#forcing myself to learn to draw real people’s faces has been really helpful

[letstrythisout4]

Chapter 2: Blaise Zabini and his newly found ability to hate a hat.

Series Masterlist

The second that Blaise steps out on to the platform he is immediately able to locate his mother. With her dark skin, perfect curls and absurdly elegant robes she draws all the attention to her. Causing Blaise to sneer at several people who refuse to stop ogling at his mother, though he quickly hides his expression when his mother notices.

“Be nice.” she pestered.

“But I’m not a nice person.” Blaise mumbles earning him an elbow to the side as his mother observes the crowd. Not being a nice person is something he’s come to accept about himself, he can’t help but notice people's flaws and make quick judgements about people’s character. “But the difference between being not a nice person and being a bad person is that I keep that to myself unlike-”

“There goes the Malfoy’s” his mother states smoothly in Mandarin, interrupting his train of thought.

“Unlike him.” Blaise finishes. 

Blaise doesn’t hate Draco Malfoy…he just harbors a deep disliking for him.

 Over the years of observing him at pureblood events that his mother forces him to attend, for publicity, Blaise has decided that Draco goes against practically every standard that Blaise holds people to. He is pompous, entitled, prejudiced against muggles and muggleborns, is incapable of forming opinions outside of his fathers rhetoric, and refuses to see his own flaws. “That’s another difference, I can admit I’m not the best person while he is convinced that there is no one better than him.” Blaise thinks to himself, shaking his head.

“I know you dislike them but it would make your life easier to at the very least be friendly to Draco. Not friends but friendly.” His mother advised in Mandarin. “Oh there is Theo, you like Theo.” she continues.

Blaise tilts his head at that, all he can think to say is “like is a strong word” focusing on his inflection and pronunciation of every word. Mandarin has always been the language he struggles with, he tried to use this as an excuse to not go to Hogwarts asking his mother to send him abroad to practice and learn about the history of magic there.

She quickly shut that down.

As Theodore Nott stood there next to his father, it was impossible to ignore the similarities. Same deep brown hair and pale skin with just enough pink to avoid looking as dead as the Malfoys. Theo was someone Blaise had formed a quiet alliance with over the years. Alliance not friendship. They don’t hangout, they don’t write to each other. They simply seek each other out during pureblood events and stand next to each other as they people watch, so they don’t look lonely. 

By the time Blaise decides to come back to the present his mother has decided that it is time to abandon him. She kisses both sides of his face and brings him into a tight hug. And switching into English, “You know I love you, right?” she asked uncharacteristically worried.

“Of course I do.” Blasie quickly answered. There were many things he wondered and doubted but never that. “I love you too, Ma.”

“Well so long as you know that I guess it's time for me to go.” leaning in before adding in Mandarin  “ I know you won’t go out of your way to make friends, but please don’t immediately reject anyone who extends kindness towards you.” she asks with the slightest crease in her brow.

Blaise hummed to himself taking in her request. He doesn’t like to lie to his mom…but he really doesn’t want to do that. 

As he prepares himself to confess his thoughts to his mother he sees how serious she is…”Okay, I’ll try.” he agrees reluctantly.

“That's all I ask.” she states with an easy smile, a real smile. 

And with that, she walks towards the fireplaces nodding cordially to those she passes. While Blaise puts his trunk with the others and boards the train. Only to be met immediately with Theodore Nott. Seeing Theo, Blaise resists the urge to sigh ‘Perfect’ he thinks to himself as Theo follows him into a compartment. He can live with this, this same silent agreement to hover around each other as to not be forced to interact with other people.

Blaise is quick to take the window seat that will allow him to see the most outside the window. But then his ears pick up on that annoying posh drawl that Blaise so desperately doesn’t want to hear.

"No no no no no no no, please Universe don’t let him walk in here.” he prays silently, turning his head up towards the sky. Only to hear the compartment door open and the owner of the drawl plop himself down and two mindless snickers following its every statement. 

He forces himself to open his eyes and face Draco Malfoy and his two lackeys. Blaise takes in Malfoys appearance one feature at a time to keep himself from saying something he’ll regret. New polished black dress shoes, clothes that aren’t wrinkled per say but not ironed to the degree that the Zabini’s ensured their clothes consistently were. Facial features so point Blaise was sure Draco was made up entirely of right angles…and not in a good way. Blaise couldn’t help but think to himself ‘his forehead is MASSIVE’ as he takes in how gelled back Malfoy’s hair is. 

As soon as the intrusive thought was processed, Blaise couldn’t stop his shoulders from shaking and the laugh that escaped him.

“What’s so funny, Zabini?” Draco antagonized.

Fortunately Blaise was saved from responding when Pansy Parkinson burst through the doors taking up the last spot next to Draco.

Parkinson was…honestly someone Blaise pitied. Younger sister to an older brother, it's clear she’s being trained to be a perfect pureblood woman rather than anything of actual importance to her family legacy. Which is rather stupid considering Blaise has seen how quick she can be in social situations, something that could make her a great head of house. ‘Especially since her brother is so damn lazy’ Blaise reflects.

Blaise sits back and observes the nonsense surrounding him. Draco is busy dominating the conversation bragging about how he spent the last couple months in Paris visiting family and “learning complex magic”. While Pansy dutifully asks just the right amount of questions to get on Draco’s good side and Goyle and Crabbe stare dumbly and nod at Draco. (Theo sits with a book, something Blaise is a bit jealous of). 

As the hours fly by, Blaise jumps at the opportunity to go change into his Hogwarts robes. He heads to the bathroom rather than switch out in the compartment like the others, just to have a moment to himself. Once changed and having exhausted the amount of time that is reasonable to spend changing in the bathroom. He takes his time walking back to his compartment, contemplating how possible it is for him to apparate home (despite not knowing exactly how) and convince his mother to not send him right back. Accepting that the plan will never work (not because he doesn’t know how to apparate but because his mother will just find some way to leave him at Hogwarts doorstep) he walks back into the compartment, immediately noticing that everyone's robes are at the best wrinkled and at worst -Crabbe and Goyle- completely rumpled. The second hand embarrassment almost makes him walk back out. And it's not necessarily because the clothes are rumpled but rather the fact that they don’t care just how…frumpy they look. It's really not that hard to fold your clothes to make sure they don’t look like a hippogriff trampled over them. 

Resolving himself to mentally complain about their laziness later he imagines what house they will all be in. Which he concludes rather immediately is a stupid topic to ponder because he’d be shocked if they were anything other than Slytherins. Theo has the quiet cunning nature, Parkinson is ambitious enough to prove herself as more than just someone's sister, kissing up to someone has to be a form of self-preservation so there goes Goyle and Crabbe and Malfoy… Malfoy is Malfoy. His father raised him to be exactly what Blaise pictures Salazar wanted when he established who should be in his house. As for Blaise himself… well he’s nothing if not resourceful.

Eventually mercy comes in the form of the train slowing down. They file out and hop into boats at the command of the gamekeeper. But apparently mercy has an expiration date because somehow Malfoy sits right in front of Blaise and talks at him all about how he’s sure that he’s going to be in Slytherin. By the end of the ride Blaise has no doubt that Malfoy wanted to convince himself that he’s going to be in Slytherin more than he wanted to convince Blaise. They meet Professor McGonagall and Blaise absorbs as much as his tired brain can of what she is saying. The sorting begins and Blaise just decides to wholeheartedly zone out.

 “I’m going to be the last called anyway”, he reasons.

Later rather than sooner hears his name called and sits on the four legged stool in front of the whole school and lets McGonagall place the hat on his head.

“Very very intriguing. Incredibly intelligent and perceptive, that is not even a question. Bravery, tch, maybe under the right circumstance but that's nothing special” he heard a small voice say  Rude, Blaise couldn’t help but think. “Plenty of confidence. But more than anything else is loyalty, you’d do anything for your mother, huh?”-Blaise squirms, the house isn’t actually considering putting him in Hufflepuff is it- “But this loyalty doesn’t extend beyond her does it? I guess this could grow. No matter, sorting is based off values, not character. Sometimes even I forget that.”, confesses the hat. How many people have you miss-sorted because of that? “Hush child, that is none of your concern. Now make your way over to SLYTHERIN!” the hat yelled out the last word to the entire hall. Generating applause from the Slytherin table. 

“Wait wait all that and you’re not going to tell me why you put me in Slytherin, what specific traits I have?!” Blaise questions instantly as McGonagall urges him away. 

“You’ll figure it out someday.” it had the audacity to say ominously.

And from the moment Blaise walked away from the hat to when he finally rested in bed after his nightly routine, all that filled his head was ways to kill that damn hat.

Author’s notes: thanks for reading, appreciate yall.

[lifmera]

Hello! I adore your writing! May I please have a match up for Hazbin Hotel, Chainsaw man and Sally face if it’s not too much trouble? I'm demisexual 27 year old plus sized woman. I’m 5"7 with fairly wide hips that dip to more narrow center and broad shoulders. My eyes are pale green bordering yellow with short almost shoulder length dark brown hair that is an orange blond from the top of my ears down. I have a septum piercing, two sets of ear piercings and glasses in sort of an aviator style that I forget to wear. I'm a little buff under all this fluff as I am a baker by trade. But I have been dealing with a shoulder injury has kinda left me feeling a bit fragile and frustrated. I've been told I'm fairly pretty but I just kinda don't see myself that by conventional standards. I'm not really self conscious about my body, I am just a large animal and people will just have to deal with that. I prefer to dress comfortably but if I can I enjoy wearing jumpsuits as well as black dresses.

I would describe my personality as caring but very direct. I Tend to prioritize others well being over my own. However, I am working on ensuring I take care of myself just as well. I tend to be reserved around other people but once I get comfortable I tend to ramble on my interests in short bursts, primarily around biology, cryptids, animation and practical effects. Honestly I enjoy being a bit aggressive with my friends- usually intimidation play or picking up people to help make them feel a little small. Admittedly when I feel comfortable around someone I prefer feeling small and protected if I’m not needed for comfort. I have many creative hobbies, primarily sketching, painting, sculpting, and crocheting. One of my favorite things to do is wildlife drawings. Though I find it difficult to hold on to my passions for prolonged periods of time, if someone I'm close to is passionate about something- I'm completely enthralled and try to be as supportive as possible. I love word play, often trying to force puns where they don't fit. I love horror and thriller movies and have a decent tolerance for gore but to be perfectly honest I have a hard time with handling prolonged scenes with people actively suffering.

This sounds a little silly but I imagine if I was a demon in hell I would probably resemble something of a chimera. I do apologize if this is a bit of a long submission! Thank you so much for your time!! 💚

I read sally face and started tweaking….

God i love sally face. AND THANK YOUUUUU.

.. I’ve decided to pair you with… ALASTOR, DENJI & LARRY JOHNSON!

Let’s be real. I think at first you’d remind him of his dear old mimzy. Before she died anyways, and obviously not dependent on him to fight your battles.

Alastor would find your rambling interesting, and he’d honestly probably learn something he hasn’t before? like “wow! Thats new.”

He’d want to learn more about your interests, also because he’s the radio demon, and doesn’t seem to really know much about the modern world- or care for it. But he IS based off a wendigo. So i’d think he’d find it interesting!

He LOVES when you paint, draw, crochet for hum! It reminds him or his own mother, and he’d probably become attached to you.

He’d also enjoy it if you did all of this, while he’s broadcasting too. He’s not able to always be there, but if he is, he’ll want to be with you.

Alastor would LOVE to watch horror movies, but if it makes you uncomfortable, or a scene does, he will pay no mind and skip it. Not like theres anything new he hasn’t seen.

If you were a chimera. He definitely would’ve been surprised at your look! Like- “oh ! Thats new.”

Ok … Denji time..

This man would NEVER JUDGE YOU. He can’t even bag someone.

Honestly i think he’d prefer someone chubbier, he’d LOVE to give hugs.

I think Denji would be a very physical touchy person, esp after what happened with… everyone. It’d help him protect you :)

When he found out about your shoulder injury? He was on your ass all day, every day. You don’t get away!

He loves that you take care of others, but this man is always hurt. He’d rather you be okay than he is!

He would love to listen to you ramble. Denji knows when to shut up, and i think he would enjoy listening!

Okay i know I’ve said this before but denji WILL make you draw pictures of you and him together- or he’ll draw them himself. Like stick figures holding hands!

If you crochet him something? Over the MOON. If its a piece of clothing he’s always wearing it. If its a plushie? He’s sleeping with it at night.

Denji would be indifferent to horror movies. I think he’d prefer comedy. He’s seen enough! :(

NOW LARRY 💛

I feel like i shouldn’t have to explain.

He’d LOVE YOU. You remind him of his friends :)

Your personality allows his to come out! He loves that you care for his friends, and his well being cause we know damn well he doesn’t.

Larry is a Listener instead of a talker. He’d love to listen to you ramble and ask questions while he’s painting! His favorite things at the same time!!

You draw with him, you paint, you crochet? Holy SHIT!!!! HE’D BE IN LOVE. Like! Okay !!! I LOVE YOU!!! 🧡🧡

I think he doesn’t mind any movie you guys watch. As long as it’s a mean of being able to cuddle with you on the couch and watch a movie.

He definitely finds your puns funny.

~~~

I HOPE THIS WAS OKAY!!!

[reejindeed]

I’ve been seeing you get a lot of Asks about your art so sorry if this is getting repetitive but I wanted to ask how you went about developing your personal style? Do you have any particular inspirations or other artists you tried to emulate with how you draw? And is there anything you’d want to change/improve on with the way you currently draw?

Don't be sorry! I actually really prefer talking about it... It gets me thinking about things I don't normally get to think about, and I also really love sharing information about how I do what I do because I really believe in making all info as accessible as possible when it comes to art!

I am gonna put this under a break tho since it got pretty long;;

1. To me, building a style is about so many different, miniscule conscious and subconscious choices. A huge part of it has to do with the act of drawing itself... Like, how heavy handed I am, how I hold my pen, what lines physically feel good for me to make. Drawing is a stim for me, so all that stuff really matters. It made drawing a very physical thing. I like doing heavy-handed lines and ink splatters and grungy ink work because it feels good to do in real life, and also it looks cool. I can also replicate it on a tablet.

This is why even though my style might change slightly depending on what I'm drawing, there are still certain things that are consistent throughout:

So as well as using elements of things I liked in other people's styles (things like eye shapes, face shapes, etc.), being able to figure out how I liked drawing traditionally and experimenting with lots of different kinds of art supplies and methods of making art really helped a lot.

2. I spent a few months trying to draw like Gerald Scarfe in college... Though before that it was Egon Schiele... And in 6th grade I tried to draw like Jhonen Vazquez... And in 5th grade I tried to draw like Jamie Hewlett....

...

I think I'm pretty happy finally being able to draw mostly like myself, now.

Not that I don't get inspiration from artists of course... I'm still inspired by all those styles, as well as other artists I see on Twitter or Tumblr or while I'm around vending. I think it's important to surround yourself with the things that inspire you, especially if those things are coming from other artists. I just don't find myself emulating as much as I used to.

3. YEAH there's TONS of stuff I wanna get better at. I know I said this before but backgrounds and colors are two big ones for me. I have my safety color palettes, but I need to find more. Also backgrounds suck and I'm bad at perspective. BUT I'm trying to force myself to draw them more.

...Coloring backgrounds is double hard...

I also want to be able to make more interesting comic pages... and I need to get better at writing comics... and I also need to learn how to flat properly and quickly so I can do it for money.

I'm also slowly trying to get better at drawing stylized animals, but it's not a main focus yet.

Also I'm trying to improve my printmaking skills, since I'm not very good at relief carving yet.

Also I want to learn how to paint someday.

That last one's mostly out of spite tho.

[mixsethaddams]

Another tag game

Thanks to @freddykicksasses for tagging me. Same as the last one, I’m not sure who has or hasn’t done it at this stage, so to avoid me tagging people who have already taken part, consider this an open tag to anyone who wants to get involved!

What I usually wear:

Pyjamas, mostly. I work from home so I don’t often actually get dressed. When I do go out, I most often wear a long black dress with some boots. I have a big soft spot for 90s grunge fashion and romantic goths, so I think my personal style is a mish mash of those. 

How tall I am:

5 foot 3 and a half babyyyyyy

My star sign. Do I know any celebrities or historical event that shares it:

I’m a March pisces, so you know, god help us all. I think Matthew Gray Gubler has the same birthday as me?

Do I go by a name or nickname:

I go by Seth online in settings like tumblr, discord, etc, where I have a more anon vibe. If someone wanted to try, they could probably string together a link between my tiktok and my tumblr, but other than that I keep my real name out of spaces where I don’t show my face. I prefer to be unhinged anonymously. 

Did I grow up to be what I wanted to be as a child:

I found an old school workbook when I moved out of my family home a few years back and there was an essay in there that I wrote when I was 7, all about wanting to be a Model slash Vet slash Millionaire when I grew up. Dear reader, I am none of those things.

Something I'm good at vs Something I'm bad at:

I’m a good cook! I can follow a recipe like a motherfucker and I’ve got enough of a foundation that I can mess around with flavours successfully. My husband isn’t vegan like I am, so I had to put a lot of focus into learning how to use my sense of smell more than anything when I cook for him too. It’s fun.

I’m terrible at doing anything in half-measures. If there’s a small, medium, and large drink option, I’ll get the large. I’ll only get the most expensive and biggest thing I can, at any time. If I can’t, I’ll be sad about it. I’ll force myself to finish a full plate even if I’m stuffed. I’m very all or nothing and it definitely comes with it’s own challenges. Especially with money, because I’m not well-off by any stretch of the imagination. I read once that growing up in a poorer situation can lead to not knowing how to manage money as an adult and boy howdy, am I a great example of that. 

If I draw or write, what's my favourite of anything I created this year?

2022 I’m guessing? I’m proud of how crushcrushcrush is turning out, despite everything. I’ve always struggling to write so much dialogue and I’m happy with how I’ve done it in this fic I think. When He Loved Me was a very cathartic thing to write for me as well. I spent a lot of time really thinking through how that mental state can manifest itself and how it can present in certain situations. Honestly though just for the sheer fun factor, I’d have to say Eddie/Hotdude Official Megathread! is my number one. 

I’m trying to work on an original story this new year so hopefully I end up being proud of that too. 

Dogs or cats:

I have three dogs and six cats so I think I have to remain neutral here.

Something I would like to make content for:

Myself! I spent years and years writing what I thought other people wanted to read and it only led to me not writing anything for a very long time. I’ve been using fanfiction to reignite my spark and so far so good!

Something I was excited about that turned out to dissappoint me:

Panic! At The Discos last two albums. They were my absolute favourites right since AFYCSO but I just couldn’t fall in love with Pray For The Wicked or Viva Las Vengeance. 

Hidden talent:

I have double joined toes and can move them like fingers. I used to be able to roll my tongue into two rolls but then I got a load of tongue piercings and can’t do it anymore

[canigetawaho]

I had just remembered some fun memories so ig now it's time for some fun facts about me yey 👐 (this is so long but it made me happy 🤷‍♀️)

1. Every sports professor had been hit in the head with a ball at least once by me. The only exception is my college one because he just calls us on the exam day so I have never touched a ball with him (I also want to point out the fact that everytime I hit them wasn't planed, just an accident)

Now, I had a professor that no matter how much both of us tried I would always hit her the moment I had a ball in my hands and it got to the point where she banned me from playing with them but she was to much of a sweetheart to do it for long so until she moved I kept on hitting her (and I felt sorry for her but I also loved playing). Years later we just happened to bump into eachother but I had forgotten how she looked like by then and I recognized her for the simple fact that the moment she saw me, she tried to protect her head with her hands(she had met her mortal enemy again, now I can't help but remember the Jojo meme with those two people approaching eachother)

But seriously, I was fortunate that she wasn't mad at me and actually thought it was a bit funny so we had a good laugh when we met again <3 :)

2. The head of my middle school in my last year there started a man hunt. For context, we have an exam at the end of middle school to see in what high school we will get in and the adults at that time really cared about reputation in general (and some did just want the best for us so, not all bad) and one of the subjects was math. Now I am very bad at it and we had at a simulation a very simple exercise that was meant to give a point for even the most stupid, we had to draw the geometric figure they mentioned in the exercise, that's it and I just so happened to be the only one that got that wrong lmao so the head of the school was pissed to say the least and because he wasn't allowed to open the sealed exam paper, he went in every class, talked to every professor and said everything he could think of to try and find the idiot but nobody snitched up so he was forced to give up. I had a field day watching that man loose his cool though and I did tell a few professors of mine the truth so they also had fun with the whole situation (also at the real math exam I had one of those professors that knew as my supervisor so it was a bit funny when he saw I was the first one to finish and his face filled with horror)

3. There was an ad with a dude that did a poor electrical job and got electrocuted cartoon style. He was called Dorel (it's kinda like a meme name in my country) and I really liked that ad as a child so when my uncle will say "Dorel do *cartoon scene from the ad*" I would do it and it got to a point where I got so used to him calling me Dorel that I wouldn't respond to him (and only him because there were other members that liked the joke but didn't do it as often) unless he would use that name and he kinda panicked but everyone had a good laugh (I was very little like 2-3? so I don't remember but my mom told me the story and I just adore it)

3. Now some Romanian language lessons yey you didn't think you will learn something new today did you? Well, in my language we use a group of sounds to form certain words: "ce", "ci", "ge", "gi", "che", "chi", "ghe", "ghi" and my mom tried to teach me words with this sounds but her attempt failed miserably because she had made 1 crucial mistake, she said a fruit as the last word before she let me try and my little self decided to also say a fruit even if it didn't use what she wanted. I was very proud of myself for that at the time :))

4. As a child, I thought that flowers were growing from the petals and I had practically distroyed my grandma's garden, planting the petals in the ground thinking it's gonna become so pretty now that I helped and then called her to look at it. Poor women, no wonder she became as white as a ghost :))

5. In highschool I had a professor that I absolutely hated with a burning passion so whenever I thought she wasn't around, I would say things like "she's a witch" and "we should throw some water on her to melt her" and every time I would come to find out that she was just a few meters away from me (but she never said anything, and because it's not in her character to not say something when she didn't like a certain thing, I just assumed, hoped, prayed she never heard me). The funniest though was the fact that I was in some random part of my town on some business with my mom and I was badmouthing that professor again only for her to spawn out of nowhere right on the other side of the street. I swear she always appeared whenever I talked about her (even faster if I said something bad). Something similar happened with another professor that caught me swearing one day the "she's behind me isn't she" style and since then I would always without fail bump into her wherever I happened to be in school until she left (and until then I had never seen her outside of class)

This is all I remember for now, just some little shenanigans that I hold dear :)

[stellarish]

Oh also while I’m artposting, here’s some Greg sketches from the other day

[travissimblr]

Sims 3 Performance Guide

Lately I have found the direction of The Sims 4 to be rather lackluster.  Let’s face it.  The game is boring.  Still looking for that “Sims Fix” I found myself going back to playing The Sims 3.  The Sims 3 can be tricky to get running correctly on modern computers so I figured I would share what I learned over the years.  I made this guide a few years ago for another forum so I’m always open to new suggestions/edits etc.  Some things may work well for others while some may not make a difference at all.  I have applied all of these fixes in my own game and I still experience lag so this is by no means a guide to completely eliminate the lag in the game but a guide to perhaps help your game run a little bit smoother.  All of these tips have been gathered from all over the internet and also some things I have picked up on my own over the years.  I own a legit copy of the Sims 3 and have never owned a pirated version so I can't say whether or not these settings will work with a pirated version of the game.  I also only have a PC so I don't know if any of these settings will effect the Mac version of the game.  If anything I hope this guide brings people back to The Sims 3 or allows people to give the game another chance.  The guide will be pretty extensive and I take no responsibility if you mess up your game  :P

Limit Game FPS - This one has been a godsend.  I was experiencing major lag especially in build/Buy mode.  My computer is way over spec for this game much like most computers today.  What would happen is that while in Build/Buy Mode my FPS would spike into the 200's!  During these spikes the game would almost be un-playable.

To fix this issue:

Download this file:  https://rd.nexusmods.com/skyrim/mods/34]https://rd.nexusmods.com/skyrim/mods/34

 I know it says it's for Skyrim but it will also work for The Sims 3.  After downloading it unzip the antilag.cfg and d3d9.dll into  X: > Program Files (x86) > Origin Games > The Sims 3 > Game > Bin if using Origin.   If you have the steam version of the game use :   X: > Program Files (x86) > Steam > steamapps > common > The Sims 3 > Game > Bin .  By default it is set to limit the game to 30FPS.  I have been using this and it works fine.  You can change it to 60FPS if you want by opening the antilag.cfg using notepad.  I haven't had a chance to test the game at 60FPS but its not like The Sims 3 is a First person shooter or anything so IMO its probably not necessary.  Run the game and your FPS should be capped at 30.  

Alternately you can try turning on Vsync in either Nvidia Control Panel or AMD Catalyst software however I wasn't able to get it working.  I'm using a Geforce 1080 and the latest Nvidia drivers.  When I turned it on in the control panel it did nothing in the game.

After installing this fix I no longer experience massive lag spikes while in Build/Buy Mode the whole game also seems to be running a little bit smoother as well.  Unfortunately there isn't much we can do about EA's terrible coding of the game so there will still be lag but this one has helped my game more then any of the other fixes as of yet.

**It also must be noted that FPS fix uses the same file as Reshade, d3d9.dll.  I haven’t tested if this works using the d3d9.dll file from Reshade but I can assume it probably doesn’t.  I do however believe there is a frame limiter built into reshade which should accomplish this same thing as this mod.

In Game Settings

1. Graphics

Resolution - You should always play at the native resolution for your monitor.  Most monitors today use a native resolution of 1680x1050 or 1920x1080.  If your game is struggling at this resolution you should always lower the graphics settings not the resolution.

Windowed? or Fullscreen? - This one is something that you will have to test.  Some people say that the game runs better for them in Fullscreen and some say it runs better in Windowed Mode.  My personal game runs better in Windowed Mode.

Object Hiding -  Enabling this can help to increase performance especially if you have a large house.  Essentially what this does is that the game renders every object on the lot you are in even if you aren't on that floor.  So if you are playing on the first floor the game is using resources to render the items on the second/third floor etc.

Reflection Quality - Setting it to Mirrors and Water will work well for most people but adjusting this lower can offer a slight performance increase.

Edge Smoothing - I personally have not noticed much of a difference in performance adjusting this setting but this is the Anti Aliasing settings for the game.  Try lowering it and see if it makes a difference in your game.

Visual Effects - According to the game "Controls the quality of particle effects on objects, Sims, and the town"   Medium would be the recommended setting for Visual effects.  It offers a happy medium between performance and visual quality.

Lighting and Shadows - Adjusts the shadow quality in the game.  I run this on high in my game as there isn't a noticeable difference in performance between medium and high settings.  Turning it to low will give a slight boost in performance but the shadows will be ugly.

Tree Detail - Keep this setting on high as there really is no difference in performance between settings.  All you end up with are some ugly trees and no real boost in performance.

Enable Animation Smoothing & Enable Advanced Rendering - Both of these items should always be checked.  Enable Animation smoothing makes no difference in performance and Turning off Enable Advanced Rendering can actually decrease performance.

Draw Distance - Keep this on high as it does not effect performance.

High Detailed Lots - With this turned up all the way I noticed a fair bit of stuttering in my game.  I have mine set to 4 lots but this is a setting that should be tested to see what works for you.

Texture Detail and Sim Detail - Most computers should be able to handle both of these settings maxed for a small boost in performance you can lower the texture detail to medium.  Sim Detail should always be set at Very High as lower this setting has only a very small boost in performance that probably wouldn't even be noticeable.

2. General Settings

Enable Shop Mode - This will disable the Sims 3 Shop from In-Game.  Turning this off can help with stuttering.

Enable Lessons - Turning this off can possibly help with performance.  I haven't noticed a difference but at this point we all know how to play The Sims.

Memories - Disabling Memories can offer a boost to performance and reduce in game stuttering.

**Alternately you can try using this mod if you don’t want to completely disable the memory system in The Sims 3

No (or fewer) automatic memories by velocitygrass on Mod The Sims

https://modthesims.info/d/446281

Enable Interactive Loading Screens - Turning this off has been said to reduce some in game stuttering.  Besides nobody wants to play that stupid game anyway.

3. Online

Keep Me Logged In & Enable Online Notifications - Turning off both of these settings will help game performance and reduce stuttering.

4. Advanced Demographics Options

Enable Story Progression - Turning this off will reduce stuttering in the game.  If you like this setting you can use the NRASS Story Progression explained further in this guide.

Advanced Settings

I will try to guide as best as I can with these but always MAKE BACKUPS of every file modified in this section.

In order to make this process easier be sure that "Hide extensions for known file types" is unchecked in the Windows Folder Options.  In Windows 10   Click on View > Options > Change folder and search options.  Switch to the view tab and under Files and Folders uncheck "Hide extensions for known file types"

Edit GraphicsRules.sgr - This setting will help the game run smoother and make for faster clothing changes.

1. Got to X:\Program Files (x86)\Origin Games\The Sims 3\Game\Bin

2. Copy the GraphicsRules.sgr file and back it up in either in a safe location or even in the same directory just name it GraphicsRules.sgr.orig.  Click yes when prompted with the rename.

3.  Now Open GraphicsRules.sgr with notepad (not the copied version)

4.  You will see four lines that look like this: seti cpuLevelUber 4

seti cpuLevelHigh 3

seti cpuLevelMedium 2

seti cpuLevelLow 1

5. Change the four lines to this: seti cpuLevelUber 4

seti cpuLevelHigh 3

seti cpuLevelMedium 3

seti cpuLevelLow 3

6. Save in Notepad and close Notepad.

Edit Sims3.ini - This is how you force the game to use more then 2GB of RAM.  I noticed a massive improvement in both CAS and Build/Buy mode with this.  Clothing,Objects etc load almost instantly when this is changed.  The Origin version of the game has already been patched to use 4GB of RAM  however adjusting this value to reflect your systems total ram amount if above 4GB can be beneficial.  If you currently have 4GB total of RAM and are using the Origin version of the game you can skip this step.  It’s questionable whether or not this makes a difference in the game as The Sims 3 is a 32 bit game that only uses 4GB to begin with but it seems to actually make a difference in my own game.

1. Go to X:\Program Files (x86)\Origin Games\The Sims 3\Game\Bin (same as GraphicsRules.sgr)

2. Backup the Sims3.ini in the same method as the GraphicsRules.sgr

3. Open Sims3.ini in Notepad

4. Under [ResourceSystem] you will see this:

MemoryUsageLimit = 20000000 (  10000000 for legacy/disc versions)

5.  Ignoring the zeros this is showing that the Sims 3 is only using 4GB of ram (2gb for Legacy/Disc versions of the game).  Depending on the amount of ram in your system you should change it to half of your total amount of ram. Examples:

8GB Total Ram  MemoryUsageLimit = 40000000

16GB Total Ram MemoryUsageLimit = 80000000

32GB Total Ram MemoryUsageLimit = 16000000

**Be Sure to only change the first number not any zeros.  For 32GB+ its the first 2 numbers.  Putting this too high could cause your system lock up or crash and possibly do damage**

Modding

First go here and follow the instructions on this page to set up your Mods folder: https://www.carls-sims-4-guide.com/forum/index.php?topic=9187.0

1.  Must Have Mods - Even if you don't plan on putting any CC in your game these Mod is highly recommended if not needed in order to keep the game running Smoothly.

NRAAS Master Controller - 

https://www.nraas.net/community/MasterController

This mod is a must have.  It fixes many of the errors in the game and helps immensely with game lag and stuttering.

Under Modules Download: (Not Required but useful)

MasterController Cheats - Adds "cheaty" functions to Master Controller.

MasterController Expanded Tatttoo - Expands the number of locations provided in Tattoo CAS

MasterController Progression - This mod adds progression related interactions to the "Master Controller" menu.   Addition to Story Progression (below)

MasterController Integration -  (Must have if you install a lot of sliders)  This mod replaces all the CAS interactions in the game with the one managed by MasterController, including the "Create-A-Sim" button in "Edit Town".

Now go to this Page and download these other “Must Have Mods” by NRAAS

https://www.nraas.net/community/Mods-List

Overwatch - (Important) Contains error correction and periodic game maintenance/clean up to reduce issues and improve game longevity.

Error Trap - (Important) Core-Mod that performs save-game corruption cleanup, while catching and reporting unhandled script errors.

Traffic- (Important) Controls autonomous vehicular traffic such as the Food/Ice Cream Trucks, and provides some minor vehicle routing settings.

Saver - (Important) Adds autosave function to the game.

Register -  (Important) Replaces the EA Role Manager with a custom version that corrects several bugs and allows for greater flexibility.

Other Useful Mods at NRAAS (Optional) Same page as above:

Story Progression - Basically a less buggy, less performance heavy replacement for the EA story progression in the game.  Be sure to tick off “Story Progression” in the In Game options as stated above.  (Install all the optional modules as well)

Decensor - We all know what this does

Dresser - Adds automated outfit control for inactive sims, adding accessories, and restricting CAS parts.

WooHooer - Alters the romance and woohoo interactions, provides greater flexibility and attraction scoring.

Retuner - Provides fine tuning of many settings in game like autonomous settings, pricing etc.  This one can seem daunting at first but there are plenty of Returner settings to be found out there and its really isn’t that difficult to change the settings in game albeit time consuming. 

Be sure to look over the other mods if you see something you like download it.  Any of these mods should be safe to add to your game with little to no performance impact.

After that extract the files you just downloaded into \Documents\Electronic Arts\The Sims 3\Mods\Packages\Overrides If you don't have an Overrides folder create one.  The “Overrides Folder”  is essentially a priority folder.  Mods put into this folder will be loaded before any other package files you may add to the game.

In-Game NRASS Settings 

These are just some settings to change to improve game stability.  This is by far not comprehensive.  For Retuner settings I would suggest a Google search of other users settings or consulting the NRASS help section for explanations of how to use this mod.

Click on the Town Hall in Map View Under NRASS

Traffic

Ice Cream Truck - I hate that creepy Ice cream truck so I change everything to false and set Max Ice Cream Trucks to 0.  If you like having it around still change the Max Ice Cream Trucks to 1

Routing

Allow Performance Career Limos - False (Limos create a lot of lag in the game)

Allow Use of Cars During General Routing - True (if disabled your sims will only use cars when you tell them to)

Always Use Taxis for Inactives Lacking Vehicles - False (Townies will no longer use Taxis)

Register

Allow Immigration - False (Random Townies wont move into your town keeping the population down and helping to keep performance from decreasing as sims move in.

Animal Control - Change the settings below for a performance boost

Maximum Deer - 2

Maximum Raccoon - 2

Maximum Stray Cats - 3

Maximum Stray Dogs - 3

Maximum Unicorns - 0  (Sorry Wild Horses and Unicorns add a good deal of lag to the game)

Maximum Horses - 0

Custom Content (CC)

Much like any other Sims game moderation is key.  The more CC you download and put in you game the slower your game will perform.  I'm not going to go into detail about how to install CC in The Sims 3 in this guide.  These are just a few important tips to take into account when installing CC,

Try to install Sims3Pack files as much as you can.  Sims 3 automatically merges these files and this leads to better game stability.

Merge you package files. Girl Meets Pixels made a great guide here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIZ2LdoT-HY]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIZ2LdoT-HY

Keep an eye on the size of your Sims 3 Folder in /Documents.  It may seem crazy to imagine but massive CC shopping sprees can lead to a massive folder to the tune of 30GB+.  Skins and Hairs are a killer.  These files are usually rather large sometimes in excess of 80 - 100mb.  My suggestion would be to find a default skin you like and just use that.  Don’t install any non default skins.  Also go easy on the hair.  You don’t need 20 different variations of the same ponytail in the game.  Clothing is usually fine but pay attention to the size of the CC.  That cute dress you found on Tumblr that’s 65mb more then likely has way too high of a poly count and will just lag and be slow to render in the game.  Sure it looks great in screenshots but it wont be practical in game.  I’m not sure of the exact cut-off for CC but eventually the folder gets too large for the game to handle and it will lead to issues like save corruption or in some cases not being able to save the game at all because the game has run out of memory.   Sadly if  this happens there is no fix for this and you will lose all of your progress and possibly your save file as well.

Advanced

World Fixes EA left many routing issues in a lot of their worlds that are known to cause lag and often times crashing as Sims bunch up in broken routing areas on the map.

All the World Fixes can be found on Ellacharmed's Wordpress page.  Follow the instructions very carefully and install the fixes for all the worlds you have installed in your game.

https://ellacharmed.wordpress.com

Other Useful Tips

Delete your cache!!  This one can't be stressed enough.  I delete mine before every game play and never have issues starting the game up.  A guide can be found here: http://simswiki.info/wiki.php?title=Game_Help:Sims_3_Delete_Cache_Files

Turn off Origin In Game - This will give a noticeable improvement.

Close all other programs running in the background.  

Turn on Game Mode or Silent Mode on your Antivirus

Useful Sims 3 Programs

s3pe http://www.simlogical.com/ContentUploadsRemote/uploads/189/

Sims 3 Dashboard Tool http://modthesims.info/download.php?t=387006]http://modthesims.info/download.php?t=387006

CC Magic http://modthesims.info/download.php?t=461888]http://modthesims.info/download.php?t=461888

Delphy's Sims 3 Pack Multi-Extractor http://modthesims.info/download.php?t=364038]http://modthesims.info/download.php?t=364038

Save Cleaner by Kuree http://www.simlogical.com/ContentUploadsRemote/uploads/1532/

[nerdzzone]

Luckless Romance

Summary: When Whitney Taylor was lucky enough to get the job of a lifetime doing a photoshoot for Marvel Studios, she didn’t expect to come away from the experience with a new friend. Especially not a friend that she quickly fell head over heels for.

Convinced that those feelings were completely one sided, she kept them to herself - until one night changed everything.

Chris Evans x OFC

18+

Prequel to: Once Bitten - Twice Shy + -More Hearts Than Mine-

Note: While this is set before the other two parts of this story, I would definitely recommend reading the other two first if you haven’t already. I know that might seem odd, but I do think it flows better that way. This is more of an aside than an introduction, I think, but it could just be that I wrote them in this order so that’s how it makes sense to me.

Anyway! Thank you to everyone who has been eagerly awaiting this part of their story. The support has been so motivating and I’m already working on more little snippets of their lives together that should hopefully be posted soon.

Please let me know what you think! 

_____

August 2015

Growing up in Los Angeles - especially with a rather well known uncle - I was very aware that celebrities were really just normal people who usually weren't deserving of the obsessive adoration they received from the general public.

That being said, it still felt very surreal when I found myself sitting around a table with some of Hollywood's biggest stars as we celebrated the end of a long and tiring photo shoot in which I was the photographer. Three weeks earlier, I had been slaving away at a department store portrait studio taking boring, uninspired family photos, so the contrast between that and where I was now - sharing drinks with the cast of Marvel's next big movie after wrapping my first real photography gig - would be enough to make anyone feel a tad awestruck.

It didn't help that it had all come together so quickly that I'd hardly had time to wrap my head around it. The photographer that they originally had lined up to do the shoot had some kind of family emergency and had to drop out at the last minute. They were going to postpone the shoot indefinitely, but my family connections with Iron Man provided another solution. My uncle Rob wasted no time in giving Marvel my name and portfolio and less than twenty-four hours later I was signing a contract for the biggest career opportunity I'd ever had.

I was endlessly grateful - the pay was far better than I was getting at the department store and there was plenty of potential for more Marvel related photo shoots in the future - but the pressure was nerve wracking. I'd hardly slept at all in the few days leading up to it and by the time we wrapped, I was exhausted. As the adrenaline faded and the relief that I survived kicked in, I was very much looking forward to crawling into my bed with a nice glass of wine to get a good night's sleep before I started the editing process the next day.

But there was no time for rest with this crowd and it was quickly decided that we were all going out for some kind of unofficial wrap party. The official one had been two weeks before when they'd finished filming in Georgia, but now that they were reunited in L.A., it seemed another celebration was necessary. I'd protested at first and tried to sneak off before they could realize I was gone, but my uncle thwarted my plan and, after a few minutes of heavy guilting about how long it had been since I'd spent any time with him, I reluctantly agreed.

Which was how I found myself sitting at a table in a private room of a popular bar with my uncle - Robert Downey Jr - my Aunt Susan, Chris Evans, Anthony Mackie, Sebastian Stan, Scarlett Johannsen and Paul Rudd. There were other cast members and their friends dotted around the room, some sitting by the bar while others played pool, and I couldn't help but take a moment to be grateful that I'd been given a chance to join this team of incredibly talented people in some small way.

I was also taking a moment to be grateful that my placement in the booth we were sitting in gave me the opportunity to be sandwiched between the wall and Chris Evans - who smelt so good that it should probably be illegal.

There'd been a spark between us all day. He was attractive - I'd known that going in, it was a pretty beautiful cast - but seeing him in person with all his Captain America muscles was really quite a sight.

But it was more than just that.

There was something about the way he looked at me, flashing me those blush inducing smirks along side his teasing comments and the way he was so genuinely kind and polite to me throughout the whole day. I was sure that my uncle had warned them that this was my first high profile shoot, but Chris had been incredibly supportive and he never came across as condescending if he offered me any suggestions. He checked in with me throughout the day to make sure that I wasn't getting too overwhelmed and it was very much appreciated despite the fact that his effortless flirting often left me more distracted than productive.

Sitting next to him now, feeling his thigh pressed against mine due to the tight squeeze needed to fit our whole group around the table, had me very distracted again until my uncle dragged me back into the conversation.

"So, Whitney, how's Trent?"

His question, or more likely the displeasure in his voice when he asked it, captured the attention of the table and all eyes were on me as I shrugged.

"He's great as far as I know, but I haven't talked to him in a while," I admitted. "We broke up a couple of months ago."

"Thank god for that," Robert grinned. "It's about time!"

"Don't be insensitive," Susan scolded him, which probably would have been deserved if I didn't know how accurate of a statement it was. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"I think she means 'what horrible thing did he do that finally made you come to your senses'?"

Susan swatted at her husband, but I cringed at the memory.

"It was really bad. I don't even want to tell you."

His jaw tightened at that remark as his glee shifted to something more like concern.

"What did he do? Do I need to assemble my team of Avengers and kick his ass?"

I giggled at the thought of that happening as all the men around the table voiced their willingness to help.

"Thank you, but no, I'd rather you didn't," I assured them. "It wasn't anything horrific, it's just embarrassing that I ever went out with someone as sleezy as he was."

Chris glanced down at me with a smirk on his face.

"Well, in that case, you gotta tell us now..."

The rest of the group nodded in agreement and I, rather foolishly, looked at my uncle for support, but all I received was a shrug and a raise of his eyebrow as if to say 'go on'. So, against my better judgment and with a sigh of shame and regret, I explained.

"He took me out for drinks on my birthday and invited some woman that he met on Tinder to join us," I informed them. "Apparently, without my knowledge, he'd advertised that we were looking for someone to join us for a threesome that night which was his birthday gift to me."

There was a collective widening of eyes and, after approximately two seconds of stunned silence, a howl of laughter came from my uncle. The rest of the group, however, seemed unsure what to say until Paul spoke up.

"Well, was that was you asked for?"

"No!" I shrieked in protest. "I mean, to each their own, but no! Absolutely not!"

My uncle looked like he was about to cry from laughter as the rest of the group joined in with him. All except for Chris, who was biting back a smile with what seemed to be a considerable amount of effort.

"Guys, c'mon, don't laugh at that!" He scolded them. "That's horrible!"

"Oh, don't feel too bad for her," Robert warned him, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. "The guy took her to Hooters on their first date and she still agreed to see him again."

It was true and looking back, I had no way to justify such a poor choice. I felt my cheeks heat up as I took a long sip from the gin and tonic in front of me.

"Shut up," I huffed. "He said he just liked the wings there..."

"That's classic," Sebastian smirked. "That's what they all say!"

"Why did you even agree to go out with a man named Trent?" Anthony chimed in. "There's no way someone named Trent isn't going to be a douche bag."

Chris laughed then, throwing his head back as his hand came up to rest on his chest.

"That's true!" He howled and, as embarrassed as I was by the situation, I couldn't help but feel a different kind of flush at the sound of his heartfelt laugh.

"Okay, okay, that's enough," Susan chimed in despite the smile on her face as well. "It sounds like poor Whitney has learned her lesson so there's no need to make her feel any worse."

Robert shrugged and gave me a pointed look.

"As long as she promises to make better choices."

I appreciated that he had my best interest at heart, but I rolled my eyes anyway in a show of annoyance.

"Don't worry," I assured him. "I'm swearing off men for a while so there will be no choices made at all, good or bad, for the foreseeable future."

Susan frowned at that information, clearly displeased by my resignation to being alone, but luckily, a distraction arrived at our table and forced a change of subject - a distraction in the form of Jeremy Renner with a very full tray of shots.

Everyone cheered at the sight of him, but my uncle nudged me under the table to draw my attention back towards him.

"This is why I call him the Lord of the Underworld," he warned me. "Be careful..."

"Don't listen to him!" Jeremy insisted, handing out two shots to everyone except my aunt and uncle who weren't drinking. "I just know how to encourage everyone to have a good time."

"Does this group need any encouragement?"

Scarlett's question earned a laugh from the crowd, but Jeremy nodded his head.

"Apparently so or you wouldn't all be sitting in a corner, nursing your first drinks!" He pointed out. "So, drink up!"

He lifted a shot glass in the air and we all copied the action, giving a 'cheers' before tossing back the sharp tequila he'd chosen. The second shot went down almost immediately after and as I felt it burning down my throat, I knew we were in for quite a night.

-

"So, how are we going to do this?" Chris asked as we stood around a ping pong table with Anthony and Scarlett a bit later in the evening. "Girls against boys?"

"No way, man," Anthony shook his head, putting his arm around Scarlett's shoulders. "I want this one on my team."

"Ouch," Chris smirked. "But whatever, I was just trying to make it fair. If you want to play against the two best players then that's your choice."

"You literally met her today," Scarlett reminded him with a laugh. "How would you know what her ping pong skills are like?"

I opened my mouth to defend myself, but my uncle beat me to it as he chimed in from where he sat at a nearby table.

"She's terrible at almost every sport, but what she lacks in skill, she makes up for with competitive spirit."

"Terrible is harsh!"

My protest did nothing to reassure Chris though as he shook his head.

"Good thing I have enough skill for the both of us then."

"I have skills!" I insisted. "Let's stop messing around and I'll prove it."

Anthony joined in the laughter at my expense as he bounced the ball on the table.

"Alright, do we all know the rules?" He asked. "The ball has to bounce once on your side of the table before you can hit it back."

"First to ten?" Chris suggested. "We'll let you guys go first."

We all agreed and Anthony bounced the ball again as he prepared to serve. He started off slow and gentle, lobbing it over slowly enough that I returned it with no trouble. However, when Scarlett hit it back, Chris made it clear he was here to play as he hit it with enough force that Scarlett had to leap out of the way to avoid being hit.

"Yes!" I cheered, reaching over to high five Chris. "Nice one!"

"Okay, I see how it is," Anthony shook his head as he tossed the ball back to us for our serve. "No holding back now."

Chris smirked as he easily caught the ball. He didn't waste any time before throwing it back with a hard serve, but this time they were ready for it and Anthony hit it back easily. He aimed it at me, which I could only assume was deliberate due to my uncle's doubts of my abilities, but I managed to send it straight back. His surprise at my success was clear as he was unprepared for it to be heading back in his direction and we scored another point.

"Beginners luck!"

Robert's interjection from the sidelines earned him a rude gesture from me, but I knew he was probably right - unless the last couple of drinks had somehow sharpened my reflexes and I seriously doubted that as I was already well on my way past tipsy.

However, the next few rounds showed that my uncle had been wrong and I, apparently, had quite a knack for table tennis. Chris and I worked together like a dream and were absolutely decimating Scarlett and Anthony. The game was almost over as fast as it started, but when we only needed one more point Chris suddenly appeared to give up. He missed shot after shot and we were quickly losing our lead which was making me lose my temper.

"Dammit, Chris," I huffed, trying to suppress my annoyance as he missed a very easy ball. "Get it together over there!"

"Me?!" He gawked. "I thought you were going to get that one!"

"It was clearly on your side!"

"If that's what you think," he started as he picked up the ball and came back to the table. "Then you need to get your eyes tested, sweetheart."

"Don't 'sweetheart' me," I shot back. "Start paying more attention before you make us lose."

"Whatever you say," he smirked at me before adding: "Sweetheart."

I shot him a glare and - without thinking - I swatted his very hard to ignore, perfectly sculpted bum with my paddle. He yelped, catching the ball that he'd just thrown into the air with the intention of serving and stared at me wide-eyed. I was almost as surprised by the action as he was and I opened my mouth to apologize, but I was interrupted before I could.

"Careful there, Whitney," Sebastian warned from where he sat with my uncle at the spectator's table. "That's Marvel property!"

"They're very protective of it too," Anthony joked. "It's one of their best assets."

"Yeah, so show it some respect," Chris demanded, looking cocky despite the slight red tint to his cheeks. "And anyway, if you're trying to get me to focus then I don't think making me think about spanking is a great strategy."

"Ooh," I giggled. "Someone get me the number for TMZ! I've got tomorrow's headline ready for them: 'Chris Evans likes to be spanked'!"

Chris barked out a laugh, shaking his head as he gently served the ball.

"Who said I like to be the one receiving?"

My mouth went dry when I realized what he was implying and several uncalled fantasies flashed through my brain. With that short little sentence, images filled my mind of him using his large hands for something entirely different to what they were currently doing - something that perhaps involved bending me over his lap. I felt a wave of heat wash over me at that thought as my gaze was drawn to him while I wondered if he was aware of the effect that he had on me. I was so pathetically distracted that I didn't even see the ball coming back towards us until it hit me on the side of my head.

-

Despite my embarrassing blunder, Chris and I managed to get ourselves together quickly enough to still win the game and our victory was promptly celebrated by another round of drinks.

My aunt and uncle left not long after that as they were eager to get home to their young children, but my uncle couldn't go without a few parting words when I hugged them goodbye.

"Chris is a good man," he informed me. "I'm not sure what his stance is on threesomes, but he wouldn't take you to Hooters on a first date, that's for sure."

I could tell what he was implying, but I questioned him anyway. The only answer I could pull out of him was a teasing wink and Susan ushered him out the door with a roll of her eyes and firm instructions for me to call them soon.

I tried to push his comment from my mind because the thought of a man as handsome, funny and intelligent as Chris Evans even considering the idea of taking me on a date seemed like insanity, but I would have been lying if I said it didn't instill a tiny flicker of hope in me. I was fairly certain that he had been flirting with me so maybe it wasn't entirely as far-fetched as my low self-esteem would have me believe.

I tried not to dwell on his words too much through the rest of the evening, but it was hard to shake the idea from my mind. Especially with how tactile he was with me. Whether it was when we moved on to dancing and he pulled me close, whenever we were walking to the bar and kept his arm draped around my waist or when we eventually settled on a pair of bar stools, sitting close enough that my knees were tucked between his.

That was how we were sat, tucked together at the bar, when I finished another drink and realized that the fuzziness in my head and the weight of my eyelids were telling me that it was time to head home. I wasn't eager for the night to end, I wanted to stay in this little flirtatious bubble as long as possible, but I could feel the alcohol induced fatigue hitting me and I knew I needed to leave before I no longer had the energy.

"How are you getting home?" Chris asked when I announced my departure. "Do you want some company while you wait for a cab?"

"Oh, that's okay," I assured him as I slid off the bar stool I'd been sitting on. "I'm just gonna walk."

"Walk?" He raised an eyebrow. "Where do you live?"

"Only about twenty minutes away," I shrugged. "It's no big deal."

I was being purposely vague, but Chris' questions persisted until I finally confessed what neighbourhood I lived in. Once I did, a worried look clouded his face.

"Really? That's not a great area..."

"It's not that bad!" I insisted. "I mean, I'll definitely move once the photography thing picks up and I would appreciate if you don't tell my uncle, but it's not that bad."

"He doesn't know?" Chris raised an eyebrow, giving me a look that could only be interpreted as one of judgment. I nodded in answer to his question and he sighed, tossing back the last of the beer in front of him before standing up as well. "Just let me say goodbye and I'll walk with you."

"No, no, you don't have to do that! Stay with your friends."

"My Ma would kill me if she found out I let a woman walk home alone and I'm guessing Robert would have something to say about it too from what you just said," he insisted, flashing me one of his dazzling smiles. "Besides, I was gonna head out soon anyway."

"Are you sure?"

He nodded in response.

"Absolutely."

I felt bad that he was leaving because of me, but I had a feeling that any arguments would be futile. I followed him around the room, saying goodbye to the few people who were still at the bar before we headed outside. As soon as the fresh air hit me, I really felt the full affects of the several drinks I'd had throughout the night and I was quite grateful for Chris' company on my walk.

"Thanks for doing this. I'm sorry you had to leave early."

Chris had pulled his baseball hat lower on his head, probably in an attempt to hide his identity a bit more, but the people bustling in the streets were too oblivious or drunk to pay much attention.

"Don't worry about it," he smiled down at me. "It was time for me to go anyway. I've had enough wild nights with Renner to know that nothing good happens after midnight."

"Oh, I see how it is," I smirked. "I thought this was a chivalrous gesture, but it's just an act of self-preservation."

Chris laughed, a deep laugh that made my smirk slide into a grin, as he held out his arm for me to take which I happily did.

"Can't it be both?"

"I suppose. I guess you must be pretty chivalrous to take on a role like Captain America." As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt my cheeks heat up. "Sorry, that was dumb. I sound like some shitty interviewer. Like, 'tell me what aspects of the character you see in yourself'."

I'd put on a bad, faux news anchor voice for the last part of that sentence and I felt Chris' arm shake as he chuckled, but he shook his head.

"Nah, it's fine. It's a fair question," he assured me. "I think I've always been pretty chivalrous. I'm close with my mom and two sisters so they made sure I knew how to treat a lady. But that is one bonus of playing a character like Cap, he has such strong morals and such a steady sense of right and wrong, it inspires me to be as much like him as I can be."

Just as he finished his thought, I stumbled over an uneven part of the sidewalk and was only saved from face planting by his grip on my arm. I flushed with embarrassment again, but the alcohol in my system had me dissolving into giggles.

"Sorry, thank you. Wow, I'd say you really do have some Captain America traits." I flashed him a smile. "Was it like a lifelong dream for you? If you don't mind me asking, last question about it, I promise."

"You can ask all the questions you want," he shrugged and it seemed genuine, not just an expected assurance. "But no, it wasn't. I actually turned it down several times."

"Really? You did? Isn't a role like that every actor's dream?"

"Probably," he nodded. "But I did the Marvel thing with Fantastic Four and even that little taste of fame was almost too much for me. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and I'm so grateful for all the opportunities I've been given, but it can be a lot to deal with."

"Those obsessive fangirls too much for you?"

"Sometimes," he admitted. " I was already having panic attacks, so I wasn't sure that I could handle taking that next step. But it's more just the total lack of privacy that comes with fame. Not just for me either, I knew it would affect my whole family."

"That makes sense," I nodded, knowing from my own experience that he was absolutely right. There'd been a few unfortunate incidents on slow news days where articles about 'Robert Downey Jr.'s niece' had popped up after some of my poorer choices in life. "Are you glad that you went for it now?"

"Absolutely! It was the best thing I've ever done. There are times when I still struggle, I don't do well at the premieres with all the pressure and the people, but the whole cast is like a family so the support is amazing."

"It's really sweet how close you guys all seem to be."

"It makes a big difference," Chris agreed as we turned off the main street in the direction of my neighbourhood. "But what about you? Have you always wanted to be a photographer?"

I paused for a moment as I tried to get my rather tipsy brain to figure out the simplest response to his question.

"Yes and no," I finally answered. "I've always loved photography, but I never really considered it as a career until about two years ago. I actually went to university to study accounting."

"Accounting? Wow, so you're a math wiz?"

"Hardly," I giggled. "It was what my dad wanted me to do to guarantee myself a solid career, but I hated it. I flunked out within a year. I'm not entirely sure that my dad has ever forgiven me for it, he was really disappointed in me."

"But surely he just wants you to be happy, whatever job you have..."

"You would think so," I shrugged. "Doesn't feel like it all the time though. He's very against the whole starving artist thing. He's not a bad person, but he's very practical and just can't understand how suffocating an office job would be for someone who likes to be creative. I get the impression that just being around me these days exasperates him."

I felt another blush cover my cheeks as I realized I was over-sharing. It could easily be blamed on the alcohol, but Chris was a good listener and I found him very easy to talk to.

"Sorry," I mumbled. "That was more information than you probably needed."

"You don't need to apologize so much," Chris assured me. "I wouldn't have asked the question if I didn't want to hear the answer."

"Sor-" I paused. "Bad habit, I guess."

Chris squeezed my arm and shot me a reassuring smile before getting our conversation back on track.

"So, what made you persevere with photography in the end?"

"I just really enjoy doing it. I love capturing those unexpected moments, like the awkward laughter in between poses, the moments when people have their guard down and don't realize how beautiful they look. Then, when I get to share the photos I've taken with people and they see themselves in a different way, the joy it brings them makes it worth any financial struggles." As I finished my explanation, a thought struck me. "I actually got some good ones today, just on my phone when you guys first came in, not doing the planned and posed stuff."

They'd all been so excited to see each other even though it was just a few short weeks since they'd wrapped the film. It was sweet and I hadn't been able to resist capturing their reunion.

"Really? Could I see them?"

"If you give me your phone number, I can send them to you," I smiled up at him. "That would actually be helpful. They're obviously different than the ones I took for the actual shoot, but you can tell me if they're any good or if you think I just got the job because of my connections."

I reached into my bag and handed my phone to Chris so he could type in his number which he did before shooting me a skeptical glance.

"Do you really think your connection to Robert is the only reason you got the job?"

"Well, it was all so last minute. I can't help, but assume it's a mix of desperation and some pulled strings," I admitted. "But I know this is my one shot. Robert really believes in people making their own way in life so if I totally blow this opportunity, I know he won't fight for them to have me back again and I wouldn't want him to."

We turned another corner, taking us just a few blocks from my apartment building as Chris answered.

"I'm sure he wouldn't have gotten you the job if there was any chance that he thought you would fail," Chris assured me. "But he is a good person to have in your corner. I probably wouldn't have taken the Captain America gig at all if it wasn't for him convincing me I could do it. He can be very persuasive."

I smiled at that information. I knew my uncle didn't like to take no for an answer so I could imagine how that conversation went.

"He can be very encouraging when he needs to be," I agreed. "Even if that encouragement sometimes comes out in the form of publicly shaming someone for their taste in men."

Chris let out another deep laugh and shook his head.

"C'mon, you gotta admit you deserved that."

"I did not!"

"He took you to Hooters and you didn't run away as fast as possible," Chris reminded me as if I could have forgotten such an embarrassing decision. "If that's not deserving of some public shaming then I don't know what is."

"Dating is hard these days," I huffed. "Maybe it would be easier if I had giant muscles like you, but it's hard to meet people."

"I think having muscles the size of mine would actually make you less hot."

I couldn't bite back the giggle that slipped from my lips as I looked up at him with a questioning raise of my eyebrows.

"Less hot?" I asked. "That would imply that you think I'm hot now."

"I do," Chris smirked confidently. "I think you're fuckin' gorgeous."

His words instantly made my cheeks heat up again. I'd baited him into the compliment, but I didn't expect his blunt and honest answer. I was stunned into a momentary silence that only made Chris' smirk grow wider until I giggled once again.

"You're just drunk."

"I am not," Chris chuckled. "Well, maybe a little, but that doesn't change the facts."

There was a grin on my face and I felt like a little schoolgirl with a crush. Chris Evans just called me gorgeous. Any woman who said they didn't swoon in that situation was probably lying.

"That's very sweet of you to say," I told him, trying to play it cool. "You're pretty easy on the eyes yourself."

Chris squeezed my arm again as he flashed me a smile.

My apartment building was in sight now, just half a block away, and I was disappointed that our evening was about to end.

I was comfortable with Chris. He was nice and easy to talk to and I'd had more fun and laughs with him in the last few hours than I'd had throughout most of my last relationship. But despite our harmless flirting, I knew he was too good for me. I knew that I didn't stand a chance with him and that when the alcohol wore off and the sun came up, he would see that. As much as I wasn't ready to say goodbye, I could hardly keep us walking in circles around the block without him noticing so I reluctantly slowed to a stop outside my building.

"This is me..."

Chris looked up and nodded slowly.

"It doesn't look so bad."

"Because it's not!" I insisted. "Honestly, this isn't that bad of a neighbourhood."

"Well, it's not that great either, Whitney."

Another giggle slipped from my lips as I pulled my keys out of my purse, reluctantly slipping my arm from his.

"Your accent makes my name sound funny," I teased. "You don't say Whitney, you say Win-ney."

Chris laughed, but shook his head.

"Now who's drunk."

"Oh, definitely me," I admitted. "But that doesn't mean I'm wrong."

"Okay, Winnie, whatever you say."

He said my name wrong on purpose that time, but there was something about it that put a smile on my face. Emboldened by the alcohol and by his flirtatious nature, I decided to take a chance.

"Do you want to come up for a bit?" I asked. "One last drink maybe?"

Chris hesitated, but after a moment of thought, he shook his head.

"Nah, I should probably get home. I think I've had enough drinks for tonight." His solid reasoning eased the blow of rejection slightly, but it still burned me up inside. "Thanks for the invite though, maybe I'll take you up on that offer another time."

"Sure," I nodded, hoping I was masking my disappointment. "That would be nice."

"Great," he grinned before pulling me into a hug. "It was nice to meet you, Winnie. I have a feeling that we're going to be good friends."

Friends.

Good friends.

His words echoed in my head as I agreed and slipped out of his grasp. We said our goodbyes, I thanked him for escorting me home and I watched as he walked back down the street before I went inside.

Friends. F-R-I-E-N-D-S.

At least he'd made himself clear and subtly let me down easy before I had chance to form any wrong ideas about what our relationship was or could be. It hurt and I would be lying if I said it didn't feel a bit like a stab in the heart, but I was glad that he'd put me in my place before I made a fool of myself by making a move.

I knew I'd been getting ahead of myself anyway. I knew he was way out of my league, but he'd called me gorgeous and walked me home. He'd even given me a nickname. Maybe I'm just easy to impress, but it felt like he was interested. I guess being a big star in Hollywood requires a certain level of charm though and he was probably just used to being naturally flirtatious with most of the women he encounters.

I sighed as I let myself into my apartment and tossed my bag on the table by the door. I'd felt like the luckiest girl in the world only moments earlier and now I was back to feeling like I was a romantic lost cause. I dragged myself through the motions of getting ready for bed and flopped down on top of the blankets - it was too hot to be under them and I didn't have the luxury of air conditioning.

Perhaps it was for the best that Chris declined my invitation to come upstairs, I thought to myself. This apartment was hardly up to Hollywood standards, it was hardly up to my own standards even if it was all that I could afford.

As my head laid on the pillow and my heart sat heavy in my chest, I told myself that it was fine. If Chris wanted to just be friends then I would be grateful that he even wanted that. I made a mental note to send him those pictures in the morning - because I'd promised to and not because I was curious to see what kind of response I would get when he was sober - and fell into a restless sleep filled with dreams of my new friend.

---

July 2016

And so, we were friends. Good friends, maybe even great friends.

I sent Chris the photos he’d asked for the day after we met and we spent most of that day messaging back and forth. Our friendship only grew from there and, whenever he was in town, we spent as much time together as we possibly could.

But we kept things very much friendly.

There was some flirtatious exchanges, but I respected his wishes and kept the feelings that I'd developed to myself.

My career really took off in the year after we met as well. That first Marvel photo shoot had gone incredibly well which led to several more contracts with them as well as other high profile jobs. It was a long, busy year, but I was grateful and relished in my success.

I'd even managed to move into a new apartment in a much nicer neighbourhood which felt like quite a big achievement and had finally silenced Chris' fretting about my safety. I moved in May, but our busy schedules kept him from seeing my upgraded home for himself until that summer, almost a year after we met. He was returning to L.A. from a trip home to Massachusetts and we hadn't seen each other in months so I was very eager for our reunion. Despite the fact that were still in constant communication, I'd missed him terribly and had been counting down the minutes until he would be arriving at my place.

"So," My friend's voiced echoed through my phone from where it sat on the bathroom counter while I finished curling my hair into beachy waves. "Are you going to finally make a move tonight?"

"No," I scoffed. "Of course not, Hannah. I've not seen him in a while now, I want us to have a good time. I don't want to make him uncomfortable and ruin everything."

"I will bet you a thousand dollars that it wouldn't ruin everything," she insisted. "Honestly, I will give you a thousand dollars if you make a move tonight and it goes badly."

I rolled my eyes as I finished the last curly wave and reached for my hairspray.

"You can't put a price on my friendship with Chris."

"Oh my god," she groaned. "He's told you that he thinks you're gorgeous, he makes time to hang out with you whenever he can and he texts you every single day. He treats you better than any boyfriend you've ever had. How can you think he doesn't have feelings for you?"

I took a moment to spray my hair and give myself one last look over before taking her off speaker and answering the question as I walked towards my kitchen.

"Because he straight up told me that he wants to be friends," I reminded her. "And he's never given me any other signs that he's interested in anything more."

"He doesn't need to give you any signs. When someone looks at you the way that he looks at you that says enough."

"Well, I'm going to need him to say a little more."

Another groan came through the phone as the buzzer to my apartment rang.

"You're impossible."

"I know, I know, and my lack of self-esteem will make me die alone," I said, repeating the words she'd told me a hundred times. "But he's here now, so you're going to have to save your criticisms for another time."

"Just tell him how you feel," she huffed. "I expect a full report in the morning."

The buzzer rang again as I agreed and said my goodbyes to my friend. I took a deep breath and a moment to push Hannah's words from my mind before pressing the button on the intercom.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Win, it's me! Let me up."

I pressed the button to unlock the door and felt my lips slide into a cheek aching grin just from the sound of his voice. It had been too long since we'd had a chance to hang out and I was very much looking forward to a nice evening together.

It took him barely a minute to get up to my apartment, knocking twice before letting himself in.

"Hey!" I grinned, rushing towards him as he held his arms open. I threw mine around him as soon as I was close enough and squeezed him tightly. "I missed you!"

"I missed you too," he smiled. "Nice place you got here, someone's doing well for themselves."

"Oh, please," I giggled, slipping out of his arms. "I've seen your house, Mr. Evans. This is a dump compared to where you live."

"Nah, this place is great!"

"It's definitely an improvement," I admitted as I led him towards the kitchen. "Would you like a drink? I bought that beer you like."

"You didn't have to do that. I would have been fine with whatever you have in," he chided me, but I waved him off and assured him it was fine. "What's the plan for tonight anyway?"

I shrugged as I opened the fridge to get a beer out for him and a bottle of wine for myself.

"I don't mind. Do you want to go out for drinks later or just stay here? It is a Saturday so everywhere around here will be packed with women in their early twenties if you'd like your ego stroked a bit."

I was referring to the last time we'd gone out and made the mistake of going to a bar that turned out to be pretty unfriendly to celebrities. A lot of places in L.A. made it easy for celebrities to go under the radar, but the place we'd gone to apparently wasn't one of them. There was a steady stream of beautiful young women trying their luck with Chris all night until we eventually fled and went back to his place just to give him some peace.

Chris laughed, clearly understanding what I was referencing, but he shook his head.

"Honestly? I'd prefer to stay in tonight," he admitted, but a smirk slid onto his face as he very obviously gave me a once over. "But you got all dressed up and it would be a shame to waste an outfit like that on a night in."

"Oh, this old thing?" I glanced down at the short black sundress I was wearing, a blush covering my cheeks from his compliment. "I just put this on in case we did decide to go out, but staying in sounds good to me. I'm well stocked with supplies."

I gestured to the wine and beer on the counter and the few bottles of hard liquor behind them.

"Then we'll stay in?"

"Sure," I nodded as a thought hit me and I gasped with excitement. "Oh, we can sit on my balcony! It over looks the park and I just got a new little couch for it."

"Very fancy," Chris laughed. "You really are doing well for yourself."

"Shut up," I rolled my eyes. "I don’t think Ikea patio furniture is a particularly high aspiration for anyone."

"Don't sell yourself short! You're finally getting recognition for your talent and that's worth celebrating."

I smiled as I led him through the living room and opened the door to my balcony with a flourish. The heat of July in California hit us immediately, but the balcony was shaded which made it a more reasonable temperature.

"This is nice," Chris nodded approvingly. "Well done, Winnie."

He sat on the couch and held his beer up towards me. I gently clinked my glass against it before sitting next to him. I thanked him once I was settled, hiding the width of my grin with my glass as I took a sip.

"So, how was Massachusetts?" I asked, curling my feet underneath me. "Do you have much more time off or are you back at it pretty quick?"

"I've actually got some time off," Chris informed me. "I think I'll probably spend most of it back home. It was great being there the last few weeks. It just feels better than L.A."

"Most places probably feel better than L.A.," I pointed out with a scoff. "This place is exhausting."

"You should come visit some time," Chris suggested before flashing me a smirk. "I feel bad leaving you here when I'm clearly your only friend."

"Excuse me, that is not true!" I protested, my jaw dropping at his insult as he chuckled at his own joke. "I have plenty of friends, thank you very much. All those liquor bottles on the counter are leftover from my very crowded house-warming party."

"Oh, no, Winnie," he laughed, his hand coming up to his chest. "Don't try and provide evidence that you have friends. That makes you seem even more pathetic."

"More pathetic than what? I have friends!"

"Imaginary ones don't count."

I couldn't help, but laugh at that insult as I shook my head.

"You're so rude. I don't know why I put up with you."

"Because you have no one else." He shot me a very over the top look of pity until I swatted his arm and he dissolved into laughter again. "Okay, okay, I'll stop. Seriously though, you should come out to Massachusetts sometime. I'll show you around."

"That would be fun," I agreed. "I'm pretty busy with work over the summer, but I think I'm in New York for a shoot in September. I could maybe tie a trip in with that if you're still out there."

"I should be if nothing else comes up," Chris nodded. "And fall is a great time to come. It's gorgeous."

"I bet. It would be nice to experience a season instead of just this sweltering L.A. heat all the time."

I made a face to emphasize my point as I sipped my drink and Chris eyed me suspiciously.

"I can't help, but get the impression that you're not loving it here at the moment..."

"I don't know," I shrugged. "Not really. I thought moving into a better apartment would help, but I'm just kinda tired of it, I guess."

"It can be draining here," he nodded. "Have you thought about moving somewhere else?"

I sighed and shook my head.

"Not really. I'd miss my family too much. I'd have to have a good reason, I think, or know someone wherever I was going."

"Well, you'll always know someone in Massachusetts," he smiled. "And my Ma would love you. I'm sure she'd take you in right away."

"Awe, Mama Evans. I'd love to meet her...Mostly so I could demand an apology for her part in raising such a horrible man."

Chris threw his head back with another chest grab worthy laugh.

"Oh man, I know. My brother is pretty awful."

I snorted a laugh at his comeback, but shook my head.

"Scott was delightful the few times I met him," I informed him. "I was clearly talking about you."

"Me?!" He gasped dramatically. "What are you talking about? I'm a total gentleman."

"Imaginary friends don't count," I repeated his words back to him in a very bad impression of his deep voice and Boston accent. "Yeah, you're such a gentleman."

"It's called a joke, Winnie," he teased. "Try having a sense of humour."

I stuck my tongue out at him in response, but I had to admit that the teasing was nice. I really had missed him while he was away and I was relieved that we fell back together so naturally that it was like we'd never been apart.

-

Our conversation continued to flow well into the night and so did our drinks. A few hours later and several alcoholic beverages down, the temperature was starting to drop a bit as the sun set, but our conversation was just starting to heat up.

"So," Chris turned to me with a smirk as he sipped the tequila sunrise I'd just made for him. He'd sworn he wouldn't like it, that it would be too sweet, but apparently he was too tipsy to really care. "How's your love life these days? Any more trips to Hooters?"

I snorted a laugh as I shook my head.

"I need more alcohol if we're going to delve into my love life."

Mostly because the biggest detriment to my romantic life was currently sitting on the couch with me, but I wasn't going to volunteer that information. Chris nudged the bottom of the glass in my hand, gently enough not to spill any but firmly enough to lift it slightly.

"Drink up then because I'm curious. Especially after a statement like that."

The irony of someone who was very vocal about how much they hated being constantly interrogated and harassed about their love life trying to do that exact thing to me wasn't lost on me, but I knew he'd keep pestering me until I opened up. I did as Chris suggested and took a large swig of my drink before answering him.

"No, there hasn't been any more dates at Hooters lately," I assured him. "But I did go on a date last week that was disappointing in it's own way."

Chris raised an eyebrow.

"Oh? How so?"

"He turned out to be a Robert Downey Jr. fanboy," I admitted, rolling my eyes as Chris let out a laugh. "It was going well until I made the mistake of mentioning that he's my uncle. He wouldn't shut up about him - stop laughing! - It was awful. Honestly, he went on and on! I eventually asked him if he'd rather be on a date with my uncle than me."

"And what did he say?"

I scowled at the memory.

"He said yes and asked for his number." That admission drew another howl of laughter from Chris and I couldn't help, but giggle along with him despite my shaking head. "Honestly, Chris, it's not funny. I have the worst luck."

"You have the worst taste in men." He corrected and I wondered briefly if he'd be less confident in that statement if he knew that he was my taste, even more so when he continued. "You're only interested in the douchey guys and then you're always shocked when they act like assholes."

"That is so not true!" I protested. "How am I supposed to know they're going to be douche bags? We talk for like two days on a dating app before we meet up and they always seem normal!"

"What was this one's job?"

I cringed and took another big swig of my drink.

"A club promoter."

"Exactly!" Chris groaned. "And hadn't the one before him quit his job to try and get famous on YouTube?"

"Instagram," I corrected. "But, so what? I struggled for a long time before my career went anywhere. You can't judge people by something like that."

"For the most part, I agree with you," Chris nodded. "But there are some careers that only attract a certain kind of person."

I huffed at his logic, but there was some truth to what he was saying.

"Dating is just hard these days," I insisted. "Besides, from what I've seen online lately, you're one to talk about messy relationships."

Now it was Chris' turn to take a gulp of the drink in his hand as he raised an eyebrow at my claim.

"Everything you read about me is bullshit, you know that. I haven't dated anyone lately, people just like to make things up."

"Oh, what I was reading the other day wasn't really about who you were dating."

That got his attention as he shot me a surprised look.

"What was it about then?"

"I thought it was all bullshit?" I smirked. "Does it matter what it was if it's not true?"

Chris shrugged.

"Even if it's not true, I like to know what people are saying about me."

"And you don't have a team to provide you with that information?"

"I do," he nodded. "But they don't tell me everything so I'd love to know what you read."

I swallowed hard, suddenly feeling shy about disclosing what I'd seen. I took a moment to figure out how to say it before telling him.

"I stumbled across an article that claimed an anonymous source, who recently spent the night with you, told them that you are not particularly skilled at going down on a woman."

Chris' jaw dropped and I couldn't help, but laugh again at the outrage on his face.

"That's fuckin' bullshit!" He protested. "Why would anyone believe an anonymous source? It's obviously not true! Why would they even write that?"

I smirked again as I tried to hold back the laughter bubbling up inside me. Of course, I didn't believe an anonymous source and I felt bad for Chris that mean rumours like that were being spread around the internet, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to tease him about it anyway.

"I don't know. She must have had some kind of proof, they wouldn't have published it without fact checking."

"They absolutely would!" Chris laughed incredulously. "They publish anything that gets clicks!"

I shrugged and tried to stifle the giggles still fighting to come out.

"It seemed pretty believable to me. I'm not trying to be mean, but maybe just take the criticism and use it to grow."

"I don't need to use it to grow!" He insisted. "I have plenty of skills in that area, I've never had any complaints."

"Until now."

"It's not true!"

"Unfortunately, I'll never know..."

I froze, hearing my words echo through my head as Chris' eyes widened in surprise for a brief moment before a twinkle appeared. It was a simple statement, but we both picked up on what it implied, especially with the hint of intrigue, almost challenge, in my voice.

Chris tossed back the last of his drink and then shifted, sitting up a bit straighter as the look of annoyance on his face had changed into something almost cocky. I took a sip of my own drink, hoping to drown the nerves that were bubbling in my stomach as the cool evening breeze suddenly did nothing to ease the heat that surrounded us.

"Well, how am I suppose to prove it to you?"

He moved his hand until it was resting on my knee and I had to stifle a gasp at the sensation. We were fairly affectionate and much more touchy with each other than many friends were, but this felt different. There was a tension between us now and I swallowed hard, not wanting the alcohol in my system to make me misinterpret anything.

"I don't know." I bit my lip as he stared me down, a smirk back on his face now. "Why don't you de-describe it?"

Demonstrate.

Demonstrate was the word that I was looking for, the word that was on the tip of my tongue.

Describe was not quite as flirtatious. It was like I'd just set him some kind of essay assignment. I cringed, but Chris was unfazed as he chuckled and nodded his head.

"Alright," he shrugged. "Where should I start?"

Before I even had time to answer, he began his explanation.

His voice was low as he spoke, sparing no detail. He described every kiss, every touch and every little tease. By the time he was describing how much he liked to watch whoever was he was pleasuring, looking up from where his face was buried to see her orgasm roll through her body, I was almost shamelessly panting. His hand was still on my leg, stroking higher and higher on my thigh and I felt more aroused from his words than I had from the last few sexual encounters that I'd had.

He was watching me when he finished speaking, a smirk on his face and his eyes narrowed in a seductive stare as I took a shaky breath.

It was now or never.

Tossing back the last of my drink, I put my glass on the table. Then, I took the glass in his hand and did the same.

He was watching me the whole time, meeting my eyes as I sat back on the couch. My mind was running a mile a minute as the gravity of the situation hit me, but I tried to push all thoughts of doubt from my head as I bit my bottom lip in anticipation. His eyes flicked down to watch the movement and that was all the confirmation I needed.

I darted forward fast enough that I wouldn't have time to change my mind and pressed my lips against his.

There was a brief moment when he froze. I felt his hand tense on my thigh and his body seemed more rigid than it had moments ago, but he recovered quickly and a low growl came from his throat before his hands moved to my waist and effortlessly lifted me into his lap.

I gasped at the movement, momentarily taking my lips away from his, but before I could even mumble out any comments on his strength, he'd pressed our lips together again.

It was a sloppy kiss. Spurred on by our mounting tension and the panic bubbling inside me that any minute now he would change his mind and push me away in disgust, our movements were frantic and desperate. My hands slid around his neck, one moving up to the back of his head as if I needed to hold him in place, but his fingers digging into my waist made me think that he was having the same thought.

Eventually though, the need for air forced us apart and I rested my forehead against his as we fought to catch our breath. The pause in our actions gave my brain time to catch up to my body and I immediately felt the nerves kick in.

Logically, I knew we should slow things down and talk about what this meant. My feelings for Chris went deeper than a drunken hook up and I was setting myself up for heartbreak if he wasn't on the same page. However, there was a more impulsive part of my brain that didn't care. I'd wanted this for so long, surely I deserved a chance to just enjoy it.

As if Chris could read my mind, his deep voice cut through my thoughts.

"Are we really doing this?"

I bit my lip, knowing this was the time to voice any concerns that I had, but as I stared into his eyes, I couldn't make myself jeopardize the moment.

"Yes," I nodded. "I'm in if you are?"

A smirk slid onto Chris' face as he nodded as well.

"I've been waiting almost a whole fuckin' year for this," he admitted. "I'm absolutely in."

I felt my heart flutter at his confession. If he'd been waiting for this as long as I had then that must have meant that we were on the same page. No one waits that long for a meaningless fuck, he would have made a move by now if there wasn't more to it.

In an effort to silence my overactive brain, I pressed my lips back against his which proved to be the perfect distraction. All worries and cares slipped from my mind as his tongue slipped back into my mouth and his hands drifted down to cup my ass. I could practically feel them burning through my thin dress and as they squeezed slightly, pressing my hips closer towards his, I could tell that my panties were already much damper than was probably reasonable.

But the anticipation was practically killing me.

My body felt like it was on fire as every brush of his tongue, every caress of my skin, every sigh that fell from his lips against my mouth, had me writing against him like a cat in heat. Often, when I'd imagined what this moment would be like, I'd assumed it would be slow - we'd take our time and savour every touch - but I hadn't factored in just how desperate we'd both be or how quickly I would be filled with the absolute need for there to be less layers of fabric between us.

Chris sucked in a deep breath as his lips moved from mine, sliding lower to kiss along my jaw. I could feel a bulge growing between us, telling me that he was as overeager as I was so, as shivers tingled down my spine from the trail his mouth was taking, I fought through the distractions to speak.

"Chris," I panted. "Let's go inside."

His lips paused their movement as he nuzzled into my neck.

"Not much of an exhibitionist?"

"Not on the first date."

My words were teasing and a shrug of my shoulders accompanied my response, earning a chuckle from Chris.

"Alright, that's fair."

I nudged his head away from my skin so I could press another soft kiss to his lips.

My intention was to then climb off of his lap and lead him into my apartment, but he had other ideas as his hands slid under my thighs and his grip tightened. With one smooth motion and an impressive show of strength, he stood from the couch and lifted me up with him. I gasped and rushed to wrap my legs around his waist for stability, but the smirk on his face and the bulge of his bicep told me that it probably wasn't necessary. He was incredibly strong and it sent another flush of arousal through me at the thought of the beautifully sculpted physique under his clothes.

"Are you bulking up for Cap again?"

I mumbled the words in an attempt to keep my mind busy and stop myself before I started rubbing myself against his stomach. With the way my legs were positioned there was merely a shirt and my panties between us and it was entirely too tempting.

"Nah, got a month or two before that starts again," he informed me, quirking an eyebrow. "Why do you ask?"

I pointed him towards the door of my bedroom before answering as I tried to keep the shock out of my voice.

"So, you're like, always this strong?"

Chris chuckled slightly as he kicked my bedroom door open.

"Well, I'm no club promoter," he teased. "But I do tend to stay at a certain level of fitness for when the job does require it."

My jaw dropped at his audacity to bring that up again at a moment like this, but I couldn't stop the snort of laughter that slipped out.

"Shut up," I demanded, letting my thumb stroke against the soft skin on the back of his neck. "Before I come to my senses and ask you to leave."

Now it was Chris' turn to laugh as he gently tossed me onto the bed before crawling over me like a lion stalking it's prey.

"C'mon," he smirked as he hovered over me. "I think we both know that the last thing you want me to do right now is leave."

With that, he pressed his lips back against mine before I had chance to argue. Not that I would have, because he was absolutely right. There was a long list of things I wanted him to do, but leaving was not one of them. In fact, as I let my arms slid over his toned shoulders, I pulled him even closer.

I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted to hear every little grunt and moan, I wanted to feel every inch of his body against mine, I wanted to see his muscles quiver and twitch with pleasure, I wanted him inside me and we'd barely even started. A year of waiting would make anyone desperate and, as much as I was revelling in his talented mouth as it moved against my own, I was eager to see what else he could do with it.

Sliding my hands down along his back, I ran them over his waist until they were at the hem of his shirt and, in an attempt to move things along, I slid them back up over his stomach, bringing his shirt with them. I paused, taking a moment to trace over his abs and he chuckled, moving his lips down to nuzzle them into my neck.

"That tickles," he mumbled against my skin as I smiled.

"Sorry, I'm just trying to wrap my head around the fact that these muscles are real."

"They are," he smiled up at me. "Are you impressed?"

"Maybe a little," I admitted with a smile of my own. "I'll be more impressed if you get these clothes out of the way and let me admire you properly."

He chuckled again, but didn't fight as I pulled his shirt over his head. The light in the room was dim and the way we were positioned didn't give me an optimal view, but what I could see was enough to draw a soft gasp from my lips.

I'd seen him shirtless and in even less from a few sneaky Google searches and watching his old movies, but seeing it all right in front of me was quite a treat. I had to double check that I wasn't drooling at the sight as I openly stared, my mouth slightly agape.

I realized I was probably ogling him a little too long when a faint blush covered his cheeks and he ducked his head back against my neck. He placed another soft kiss against my skin before he spoke.

"Now, it's your turn."

"Okay," I agreed, swallowing hard. "But just keep in mind that I don't look like that."

I ran my hands up and down his sides to emphasize what I was referring to and I felt more than heard him chuckle as he peered up at me once more.

"I'd be disappointed if we had the same upper body," he teased. "I mean, if I'm being honest."

I rolled my eyes despite the smile on my face.

"You know what I mean," I insisted. "I'm not sculpted by the Gods like you are."

His head fell back against my shoulder as he shook with laughter before shaking his head.

"You have nothing to worry about," he assured me. "You're too hard on yourself. You're fuckin' gorgeous."

His words took me back to the first night we met as the sincerity in his voice was the same as it had been back then. And there was something about the confidence with which he spoke that had me believing him.

So, as his hands slid under my dress - teasing the outside of my thighs in a way that had me biting my lip to force back a moan - I pushed any negative thoughts or doubts about myself from my mind. I even felt a hint of pride when my dress was discarded, exposing my lack of bra, and making Chris' eyes darken as they scoured over my body.

"Fuck, Winnie," he groaned as he soaked in the sight of my exposed chest. "You're beautiful."

I felt my heart flutter at the genuine awe in his voice and at his word choice. Gorgeous, hot, sexy - those are all compliments I would have loved to receive from him, but beautiful. It seemed deeper, more romantic. There was a brief reminder from the voice in my head that perhaps the importance of such a simple word was a signal I shouldn't be moving forward with this without having a very serious conversation about feelings first, but I was quick to ignore it as I pulled Chris back to my lips.

It seemed he was as desperate to move things along as I was though as his mouth didn't linger against mine for very long before it was trailing a path down my neck. He paused when he got to my chest, letting out a groan as he nuzzled the skin before sucking it just hard enough to leave a faint mark when he moved back. The sight had me squirming beneath him and he shot me a smirk before moving his lips to my nipple.

Gasping at the sensation, I arched up towards him as he continued to nip and tease me. If his current actions were anything to go by then whoever wrote the article that I read was very sorely mistaken. He appeared to be incredibly talented with his mouth and by the time he moved away from my nipple to continue his path down my body, my chest was heaving and I was sure that I was just one gentle touch away from my peak.

However, I was disappointed when he got to the top of my panties and, after licking along the skin of my lower stomach, pushed himself up and moved off of me to stand at the foot of my bed. I whined in protest, wanting him as close to me as possible, but all I got was a smirk in response.

"Patience," he mumbled as he unbuttoned his jeans.

I wanted to pout, to argue that I'd been patient enough in the last year, but any complaints died on my tongue as he pushed his jeans to the floor. As he stood in front of me, only in his underwear, my sense of urgency was replaced by an appreciation for the chance to admire his chiselled body. I propped myself up on my elbows to get a better view and he chuckled at the look of wonder that I was sure was on my face.

His underwear was the next thing to go and the anticipation turned quickly to shock as my jaw dropped at what he revealed. I could have assumed from the large bulge that he was quite well-endowed, but seeing it confirmed sent a whole new flush of arousal through me. I mumbled out a 'wow' as I bit my lip and tried to take it all in - he truly was a gorgeous man.

"Like what you see?"

His question snapped me out of my daze as he knelt back down on the end of the bed.

"Very much so," I nodded, desperate to feel his body over mine once again. "Come back up here."

"No," Chris grinned as he ducked down to place a kiss on my ankle. "Not yet."

Again, part of me wanted to argue and demand that he return his mouth to mine and get things moving, but before I could even open my mouth, he made his intentions clear - by tracing his fingers up my leg with his lips close behind.

I was quivering under his touch, still leaning up on my elbows when he reached the edge of the panties I was wearing. He glanced up at me as he licked along the lace before he bit into the material and tugged. I lifted my hips to ease his struggle as he yanked my panties down my legs with his teeth. The sight of it had me squeezing my thighs together, desperate for any kind of friction, but as soon as my underwear joined the rest of our clothes on the floor, he was quick to pull my legs apart again.

"Keep 'em open for me," he demanded, that damn smirk still firmly on his face. "I've got something to prove."

I giggled at that statement, but did as he asked. I was still watching his movements, until he dipped his head forehead and pressed his lips against me. That first moment of contact was enough to have my head flopping back against the pillows as my hands shot down to grip his hair. I was vaguely aware of him mumbling something about how wet I was, but my brain was too busy trying to process the pleasure he was giving me to take in his words.

He wasted no time demonstrating everything that he'd described to me earlier that night. His tongue was focused and precise in its movements and, contrary to what I read, he clearly knew what he was doing as he easily narrowed in on my clit. It wasn't enough though. I needed more pressure, more friction, and I pushed up towards him with a moan on my lips to urge him on. He wasn't having any of that as his hands looped under my thighs to settle on my hips, holding me in place, but he increased the pressure as he apparently understood what I needed despite my lack of ability to verbalize it.

I immediately felt a familiar feeling starting to build.

He sucked and licked with an urgency that I very much appreciated, flicking his tongue in just the right spot at just the right speed to have me trembling beneath him. I managed to gasp out a warning 'oh god' as my hands gripped his hair even tighter and I fell apart into a puddle of whimpers and moans. My orgasm hit me more fiercely than I'd imagined in my wildest fantasies of this moment and I arched up against him, his name pouring from my lips like a chant as he continued his efforts with a low groan of his own only adding to my pleasure.

As my breathing started to slow, Chris gently ceased his movements and moved his head back before resting his chin on my thigh. He cocked an eyebrow as he looked up at me.

"Well?"

"I'm going to write my own article," I told him, feeling that wonderful post peak bliss wash over me. "Because someone was obviously very misinformed."

Chris chuckled before pulling his hands from my hips to plant them on the bed and drag himself back over me.

"I'm glad I exceeded expectations."

"Mhmm," I hummed in agreement as his lips hovered above mine. "Now, let's see what else you can do."

Chris flashed me a smile and kissed me briefly before leaning back just enough to reach down and take his cock in his hand. Another moan fell from my lips as he rubbed it against me for a moment before nudging against my entrance and finally pressing inside. He moved slowly, but even so, I winced at the sensation. The slight burn as I stretched around him felt good but there was an undeniable ache as well. Sensing my hesitation, Chris paused and dropped his head for another soft kiss. I waited a moment, until the initial spark of discomfort had passed before pressing my hips up towards him.

He took the hint and continued his slow, almost torturous, movement until he was fully inside. The burning pain returned as it felt like he was taking up every inch of space I had to offer, but it felt incredible.

"Fuck," he breathed against my neck where his head had settled again. "You're tight..."

He shifted his hips pulling another gasp from my lips.

"Only because you're huge."

I felt a puff of laughter before he nipped at my shoulder.

"Thank you."

I would have smacked him for his cocky tone, but he moved then and suddenly my mind was blank of anything other than how good it felt. His movements were slow at first, every thrust dragging every inch of him against every nerve inside me, but his restraint quickly waned as his pace increased.

I let out a moan as my head fell back against the pillows and I hitched my leg higher on his hip. He moved his hand to the back of my thigh to hold it in place as he built a steady rhythm that had us both panting as I fought to match his thrusts. My fingers dug into his shoulders as his short beard rubbed against my skin.

The sensations were overwhelming. It was like he was completely encompassing me, smothering all of my senses and I could feel the pressure building again in the pit of my stomach in a way that it all felt like too much, but not enough all at the same time. I clenched around him, earning a groan of approval from Chris as I swore I could feel him twitch inside me. The pleasure was building quickly and his thrusts got sloppier and more frantic until suddenly he pulled out of me completely.

I felt empty and immediately wanted him back inside of me, my disappointment only growing as he pushed himself up to kneel back on his heels. The only compensation was how good he looked, muscles tight and his cock hard, practically throbbing and shiny from my being drenched in my wetness.

"Turn over," he instructed, his raspy voice bringing me back to the task at hand.

It took a moment for me to process his words, but I giggled as soon as I did.

"What?" He asked, a smile on his face.

"Nothing," I laughed again as I pushed myself up to do as he asked. "You just really are 'clearly' an ass man."

A look of realization crossed his face as he cringed slightly, his hand pausing from where he had reached down to stroke himself. I settled on my knees with my back to him as he answered.

"You heard about that?"

He was referring to the comments that he made on Anna Faris' podcast and I nodded my head.

"Everyone heard about that," I teased.

He chuckled, but didn't deny it as I leaned forward to rest on my hands. The wetness between my legs felt cool from the air in the room and I suddenly felt very exposed, knowing what the view must look like from his position. Again, my worries were brief though as his hands settled on my ass, kneading and squeezing as he let out a low groan.

"With an ass like this though, can you blame me?" He asked, sliding the fingers of one hand down towards the part of me that was practically throbbing with need. My head fell forward as he gently brushed over my clit before sinking two fingers inside me. It wasn't enough, not after the stretch of his cock, but he moved them with almost criminal precision against a spot that made me tense as I moaned with pleasure. "You've been drivin' me wild ever since that night we met. Those black jeans were so tight, it was like you were poured into 'em."

His words were muttered low and quiet and as much as I appreciated the compliment, I was such a puddle of mush from the movement of his fingers that I couldn't string together a sentence in response. He kept talking, whispering words of encouragement and adoration and it only added to my pleasure, but it wasn't until his thumb pressed against my clit that I felt myself start to bubble over. With a cry that I hoped served as a warning of my impending climax, I arched my back to press myself further towards him.

"Atta girl, Winnie..."

His breath was hot against the cheek of my ass and he continued his actions, placing a soft kiss on my skin. I was close, so close, but just not quite there until he did something that surprised me and sank his teeth into the spot his mouth was resting on. It wasn't enough to break the skin, but it was enough to leave a mark and it was definitely enough to send me over the edge. Moaning out his name again as I pressed back towards him, I felt myself quivering around his fingers as the pleasure tore through my body.

My elbows were quaking with effort as they tried to hold me up while he kept his fingers gently working until my orgasm came to an end. I wasn't sure how much more I could take, but I knew I wanted him inside me again so I shot him a look over my shoulder.

"Chris," I panted. "Fuck me, please."

His eyes darkened at my request, but he wasted no time, quickly shifting until he was positioned behind me and sliding himself back inside. He felt even bigger in our new position and his need was made clear as his hands settled on my hips to use them as leverage, thrusting into me at a much more frantic pace than he had before.

The stretch and feel of him deep inside me had me moaning and arching my back once again, but I was doubtful that I would reach another peak - until Chris slid one of his hands from my hip, over my stomach and back down to my clit. The sensation combined with his movements and all the noises pouring from his mouth had a tightness in my stomach forming again with shocking speed. It was just shy of overwhelming as my two previous orgasms had left me feeling rather sensitive already, but when Chris picked up the pace even more, his grunts and groans getting more desperate, I leaned into the sensation. It only took a minute or two more before he finally pressed himself deep inside me, stilling as he let out a low moan and I followed him over the edge once more.

After a few final thrusts through his release, Chris leaned forward to press his chest against my back. I could feel how hard he was breathing and soaked in the moment of bliss until my arms finally gave out underneath me. We landed in a heap face down on the bed, but Chris quickly rolled off of me before pulling me tight against his side.

"Wow," he breathed out. "Winnie, that was...wow."

I smiled as I rested my head on his chest.

"It was," I agreed. "I take back any doubts about your abilities."

He chuckled and placed a soft kiss on the top of my head.

"Thanks," he smiled as I peered up at him until he let a yawn slip out. "Mind if I stay here tonight?"

His question made my own smile widen even more.

"Of course not!"

He breathed out a sigh of relief at my words as I felt a wave of reassurance myself. He wanted to stay. He wasn't about to rush out the door the moment we were done and I filed that information away as more evidence that we were on the same page.

I felt like I should get up - to use the bathroom and offer my guest some water - but our activities had my whole body feeling like jelly. I was vaguely aware of a mumbled 'goodnight' from Chris, but I found myself drifting off to sleep before I could even respond.

-

The next morning as I slowly woke up, it took me a moment to remember why I was naked and why there was a pleasant, but very noticeable ache between my thighs. As the memory came back to me, a smile slid onto my face, but when I rolled over to find the bed empty, a flicker of worry sparked in the pit of my stomach. Especially when a glance at the clock told me that it was only seven in the morning. We couldn't have fallen asleep much before one so there was no good reason for him to be out of bed already.

I called out his name, hopeful that he would respond, but I wasn't entirely surprised when he didn't. The dread I was feeling intensified at the silence around me and I dragged myself out of bed with the intention of checking if he was in the bathroom or perhaps back out on the balcony. However, the sight of what was on the floor, or more accurately what wasn’t on the floor, made me pause. My dress and panties were laying where they'd been tossed, but his clothes were no where to be seen.

Trying to keep a level head, I quickly pulled on the oversized shirt that I usually slept in and ventured out of my bedroom, but my fears were quickly confirmed. My apartment was empty.

At first, I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I desperately tried to rationalize his disappearance. Maybe he woke up early and went out to get us breakfast and coffee? The dull throbbing in my head told me that I could certainly use a good shot of caffeine and it was a pretty safe bet that he was feeling the same. But, when he didn't return after half an hour, I assumed that theory was just an optimistic wish.

After forty-five minutes of sitting on my couch, watching the door - willing it to open and for Chris to appear - I sent him a text. I tried to keep it low key and chill, but after another hour of staring at my phone, the words "Hey, where'd you go?" started to seem more and more desperate.

By ten o'clock with no response and no sign of Chris returning, I accepted the situation for what it was.

He wasn't coming back.

It was a drunken mistake that he clearly regretted.

We'd risked our entire relationship for one night of wonderful, incredible, but meaningless sex and he didn't even have the guts to stick around long enough to talk to me about it.

One stupid night and I'd lost one of my best friends.

The thought brought tears to my eyes and, before I could stop myself, I was blubbering like a baby as I curled up on my couch. I was devastated and heartbroken. I'd let myself believe that maybe he wanted me the same way that I wanted him because we were so close and I never would have imagined that he would let it go that far just to ditch me in the morning without even a goodbye. Surely, after a year of such strong friendship, I deserved more than that.

But no matter how stupid and naive I felt in that moment, nothing would compare to the level of utter foolishness I felt later that day when I was tiding up and realized that there wasn't a condom in sight.

-

Part Two

Tags:  @maggotzombie @moonlacebeam @mizzzpink @zaylaugh @flowery-mess @flowerjewels @njrronaldo7 @hockeychick10 @partypoison00 @theladybiers @sidepieces

[ironwoman359]

You Don’t Own Me (You Don’t Even Know Me)

Chapter 4

Navigation: Ch.1, Ch.2, Ch.3, Ch.4, Ch.5, Ch.6

Summary:  As the son of a Baron, Roman Sanders always knew that when he married, it would be due to a political arrangement rather than true love. Still, when he is sent away to marry an older, more powerful Earl, he is determined to make the best of his situation. Despite the Earl’s indifference towards him, Roman forges ahead and prepares to become the best husband he can possibly be, making new friends along the way. But when his fiancé’s demeanor turns from cold to cruel, Roman must shift all of his focus to survival, and find a way out of his marriage before it’s too late.

Ships: Logince, side Moxiety and Dukeceit

Content Warnings (overall): arranged marriage, abuse, attempted sexual assault, murder, poisoning, character death, hurt/comfort, angst Chapter 4 Warnings: possessive behavior, verbal and physical abuse, angst, allusions to abuse and murder 

Word Count: 4067

Read on AO3: here!

A/N: Co-written with @5-falsehoods-phonated​, check out his masterlist here and check out mine here! 

---

“And when I tried to get down, Remus spooked the pony and it bolted, with me still clinging to the saddle for dear life.” 

Virgil snorted, then immediately brought his hand up to cover his smile. 

“You wound me!” Roman said dramatically, placing a hand on his chest. “Eight-year-old me was certain that his life was going to end, and you’re laughing?” 

“I can’t help that the mental image of you dangling off the saddle of a pony and screaming your head off is the funniest thing I’ve seen all week,” Virgil replied. 

“Be nice, Virgil!” Patton scolded, even as he fought back giggles of his own. “I’m sure it was very scary at the time!” 

“You’re telling me,” Roman agreed. “I wouldn’t set foot near the stables for a month.” 

“I can’t believe that after all that you somehow grew up to be a competent rider,” Virgil said. 

“Well, I probably wouldn’t have if it weren’t for my older brother Remy. He started taking me with him when he went out on his rides; I felt a lot safer riding double with him than I did by myself.”

“Your brothers sound wonderful,” Patton said, smiling. 

“Oh, they’re the absolute worst,” Roman said. “But also I love them more than anyone.” 

“I hope we’ll get to meet them at the wedding!” 

Roman’s smile went brittle around the edges, and he forced himself to nod. 

“I hope so too,” he said quietly. 

Patton’s brow wrinkled, and Roman knew that look, that was Patton’s “I’m worried about you” look, and as much as he had come to view Patton and Virgil as his friends, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to get into the whole “my twin brother ran away from home to escape noble life and I haven’t seen him in years and might never see him again” topic with them just yet. 

“Well this has been great,” Virgil cut in suddenly. “But it’s getting close to midday; I need to get back to work, and you need to get to your little lunch date.” 

“Excuse you, it is a perfectly professional business meeting!” Roman protested, and Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Sure it is. That’s why you meet with Logan every single day and always perk up or get this silly smile on your face whenever you mention something that he said, most of which has nothing to do with business.” 

Roman gave Virgil a deadpan look. “Do you really want me to retaliate right now?” he asked, glancing pointedly at Patton. 

Virgil’s cheeks flushed pink, and he waved Roman away. 

“Go on, then!” he said. “Go have your perfectly professional business meeting.” 

“I will!” Roman said primly, but as he stood to leave, he shot Virgil a grateful smile, and Virgil nodded in return. 

After parting with Patton at the house’s entrance, Roman made the short trek down to the library alone. He hadn’t been sure how he would manage living at the Howard Estate at first, but his life had settled into a predictable yet comfortable routine since the engagement banquet. 

Patton brought breakfast to his room every morning, and after Roman insisted several times that he preferred the company, Patton now stayed to eat with him most mornings. After breakfast, Roman changed into his riding clothes and the two headed down to the stables together, where Virgil was waiting for them with Angel. Roman took his morning ride, and Patton and Virgil did whatever it was they liked to do when they were alone together. 

When he returned, Roman helped Virgil groom Angel, and the three of them often fell into easy conversation with one another. At midday, Roman took his lunch in the library with Logan, and he spent the afternoons on his own, exploring the mansion or indulging in his creative hobbies. All in all, his days were mostly pleasant, until dinnertime, of course. 

His nightly dinner with Lord Howard was, to his disappointment, the most boring and uncomfortable part of Roman’s day. It became clear to Roman after a few attempts of engaging with his fiance that Lord Howard wasn’t even slightly interested in talking with him; what he wanted was somebody to talk at. Roman sat, night after night, and listened to the earl rant about frustrating business partners, idiotic city officials, and even tiny annoyances like a scuff on his boot or a fly in his office. It was difficult to not feel like an emotional punching bag, and Roman always left dinner exhausted from playing the polite, doting fiance that Lord Howard expected him to be. 

Roman stepped into the library, and smiled when he saw Logan sitting at a table beneath a window, the afternoon sun casting golden beams of light through his long hair.

At least there were more positives than negatives to living at this estate. 

“Ah, Roman,” Logan said, smiling as he approached. “Excellent timing, I was just beginning to review my weekly report for Lord Howard. Would you care to assist me?”

“Always,” Roman said, sitting down across from him. 

They poured over the receipts and summaries and work orders together, and Roman couldn’t help but marvel at the sheer amount of work that Logan did every single day. 

“Honestly, Logan, you do almost too much for the earl. Especially considering what he pays you.” 

Roman had seen the payroll receipts for all the staff, and he couldn’t help but be a little insulted on the servants’ behalf. One of the ways Lord Howard kept costs down was clearly at the expense of his staff. 

“While I may agree with your sentiment, the fact of the matter is that if I did not do all this, the estate would fall apart,” Logan said. “And regardless of any...personal feelings about his lordship, there are far too many people who depend on him and his estate for me to consider stopping.” 

Logan paused, frowning as he scanned a document, then sighed. 

“For instance, his lordship neglected to sign off on a shipment of new armor to the city guard, despite my reminding him to do so three times in the last week.” 

He scrawled something along the bottom of the document and set it aside, and Roman raised an eyebrow. 

“Was that Lord Howard’s name you just wrote?” 

Logan fiddled with his glasses, and he glanced around the room before answering. “This is...not the first time that his lordship has neglected his duties on what he perceives to be minor issues. I, uh...take the liberty of correcting such oversights for him.”

“You can forge his handwriting?” Roman translated, and Logan nodded sheepishly. “That’s amazing!” 

Logan blinked, looking up at Roman in clear surprise. “I...it is?” 

“Are you kidding me?” Roman exclaimed. “Of course it is...you’re so talented, Logan, really. I’m not exaggerating when I say you’re wasted as a secretary.” 

“Oh...well, thank you, Roman,” Logan said, his cheeks flushing slightly pink. “I must admit, you also have far more potential than his lordship would care to acknowledge.” 

“I’ll get him to see sense soon,” Roman insisted. “Then maybe together, we can make some real changes around here!” 

“I wish I shared your optimism,” Logan said with a sigh. “But I am glad to share your company, at least.”

It was Roman’s turn to blush, but before he could think of a reply, the sound of footsteps caught his attention, and he looked up to see Patton approaching their table. 

“Sorry for interrupting, Kiddos, but I’ve been asked to fetch Roman here and get him ready.” 

“Get me ready?” Roman asked, and Patton nodded. 

“His lordship requests your presence at a business meeting he has in an hour with other estate holders. I’ve been instructed to dress you for the event and bring you to his lordship.” 

Roman forced down the twinge of discomfort in the back of his mind at the earl choosing an outfit for him like he was some sort of doll, and grinned as he got to his feet. 

“You see, Logan?” he said. “This is our chance!”

“If it is a meeting with other nobility, then I’m afraid I won’t be present,” Logan said. “Lord Howard does not wish for...commoners to be present at such negotiations. He instructs me on what measures need to be taken afterwards.”  

“That’ll be the first thing we change then, once I make him see reason,” Roman said. “You’ll see, this is going to be the start of something great!” 

“I hope you are right,” Logan said with a small smile. “Good luck, Roman.” 

“Thank you, Logan,” Roman said as he followed Patton out of the library. 

I’ll certainly need it. 

--- --- ---

Roman fidgeted uncomfortably in his chair, shooting a glance over to the earl to make sure he hadn’t noticed. The silky fabric that his pants were made of stuck uncomfortably to his skin and made his legs itch horribly, but he had been in similar attire before and had had plenty of practice in the art of keeping his poise while screaming internally. Thankfully, even though he was seated right next to Lord Howard, he had yet to draw his attention. Howard had been too occupied bragging about his various business exports for most of the meeting to pay much attention to him. 

Even through his discomfort, Roman had been learning a lot about his fiance, dutifully keeping mental notes on everything he heard, from which parts of land he had inherited to which ones he had bought or negotiated into owning. Overseas businesses and local investments both let his power reach farther than one might first suspect, and all that put together was what kept the Howard Estate with its acres of land, sprawling mansion and extensive grounds and highly specialized staff all running smoothly. 

It was a lot to manage, so it made sense that Lord Howard had Logan figure out most of the work and only signed off on the most important things himself. Having someone as competent as Logan run things in the background so the true estate head could make the actual appearances as the business leader was a strategy many nobles used to keep their properties under control. 

Craning his neck to look up at his fiance from his lower seat, Roman furrowed his brow in thought. He wondered just how much Logan did that the earl never saw anything about until he reaped the benefits of it. Sure, Logan was extremely capable, but relying entirely on one person to manage everything seemed a bit foolhardy to Roman.

Tuning back into the conversation, Roman perked up as another lord gestured stiffly at a stack of documents in front of him, smooth calculation clear in his tone of voice. Negotiations were something Roman had always prided himself in handling, and handling well. He had often spoken circles around his own father in their practice debates, and it was rare that Roman participated in a discussion without gaining something in his own favor. 

As neither party at the moment looked particularly stressed, Roman figured with a slight twinge of disappointment that such measures shouldn’t be needed this time. He would have liked to show off just a bit and make Lord Howard see what a useful asset he could actually be in their marriage, but he supposed that could wait until a more appropriate opportunity.

“I have most of the influence in this field anyway. Signing your bit of land over to me now would cause fewer problems for you in the future; especially if I don’t have to take it by force when I’m looking to expand.”  Punctuating his statement with a firm tap to the papers, the opposing lord sat back with a satisfied smirk.

The icy glare Lord Howard fixed him with was enough to wipe the smirk fully off his face, however, and he tilted back slightly as the earl leaned forward to fold his hands smoothly in front of him. 

“I’m not in the habit of signing away what’s rightfully mine, Lord Rilken, Baron of Vilvik.”

Roman flinched slightly at the way he practically spat the other man’s title…a title he shared, and had never once felt insecure about until this very moment. The way he spoke to these men, these people in positions of power, like they were nothing but dirt to be brushed off his own much more impressive riches- it was enough to make Roman want to run all the way back to his own estate and beg for another way, plead to wait for someone else to ask for his hand or to find someone himself. He stiffened in his seat and shook the irrational thoughts away. 

No, this is how one played the game when negotiating important matters. Put up a cold and intimidating front until the other person backed down or bent to your own suggestions. If anything, Lord Howard's act was admirable; it almost immediately shut down any arguments, even if it hardly held any semblance of tact. Realizing this would be a good opportunity to show his skills, Roman leaned forward and placed his own hands on the table in front of him, gaining the attention of the opposing business owners quickly.

“It might prove advantageous to you both to simply form a partnership and share the land and business potential it holds. With as much power as the both of you hold over this branch, you’d be able to expand much faster and reap more benefits than you would if you spent all of your time attempting to take control over the others’ sections.” Pleased with himself, Roman glanced over to Lord Howard, expecting at least to have impressed him since he hadn’t really had the time to explain all that he had been trained in and what he could bring to the estate with their union. 

However, as he met Lord Howard’s eyes, ice ran through his veins. The earl was glaring, staring him down like a particularly resilient bug that he could hardly wait to smash beneath a steel-toed boot. The room went so quiet that Roman could swear that the other nobles were holding their breath, and glancing around in his peripherals, he saw everyone sitting around the table gawking at him as if he’d just committed high treason. Had he really said something so wrong? Was this not what was customary, nay, expected behavior of the soon to be co-owner of the estate? Shrinking down slightly as his ears burned red, he finally lowered his eyes as the earl turned away. Roman heard him take a deep breath before saying in a deliberately controlled voice:

“You must forgive my fiance, he hails from a country estate you see; he isn’t accustomed to the way things work here yet. If you would be so kind as to excuse us for just a moment so that I may explain a few things?” Not waiting for an answer, the earl stood and held out his hand for Roman to take. “If you would step into the hall with me, dearest?”

Recognizing the order under the request, Roman stood quickly and took Lord Howard’s hand, wincing at how tightly he was gripped and practically dragged out of the room. The door was opened just a bit too forcefully to calm his nerves in the slightest and he watched as Lord Howard seemed to barely refrain from slamming it back closed, instead closing it with deliberate calm before whirling around to face him and jerking his hand out of Roman’s to tower before him.

“Let me make this perfectly clear, you do not speak out of turn in these meetings. You do not speak above me or-”

“But I didn’t! I was only-” Roman didn’t register what the dull smacking sound echoing in his ears and making them ring was until pain bloomed and spread from his lower jaw to his entire cheek. Raising his hand to his face in disbelief, he felt a bit of wetness and looked to see blood on his fingertips. Fear and horror twisted in his gut as he realized one of Lord Howard’s rings must have caught on his cheek and opened a cut. His jaw ached and his teeth felt numb; the blow had been hard enough to rattle them in his skull. Romans looked up and flinched as he saw Howard’s hand still raised to strike should he choose to speak again, and he shrunk in on himself in an attempt to seem too small to expend more energy on.

“You,” The earl spat, “do not speak above me, or make suggestions on my behalf. You are not here to offer up useless opinions that were not asked for or needed. You were brought into that room to sit obediently and look pretty on my arm and that is the full extent that your role will ever be. Have I made myself clear?”

Roman hesitated for just a second too long, and Lord Howard reached down to grip his chin, tipping his head so he had no choice but to look his assailant directly in the eyes. “My dear, I believe I asked you a question, and I expect an answer.”

Biting back a whimper Roman nodded as much as he could with his face trapped in the steely grip. “Yes my lord, I understand perfectly. I apologize for overstepping, it won’t happen again.”

The answer, as demeaning as it had felt to say, seemed to appease the still seething man, and Howard dropped his chin and stepped back with a wolfish smile. 

“Very good, see to it that it doesn’t. Now, I believe we’ve been here long enough. If you’re done blubbering, you may join me.”

Startling a bit at the choice of phrasing, Roman hesitantly reached up to touch his face, wincing as he realized there was more than just blood on his cheeks. Taking a deep breath, he carefully wiped the tears away before plastering on a small smile and moving to stand just behind the earl. He was loath to go back into the room like this, humiliation and blood reddening his cheeks, but he didn’t dare speak up for fear of more punishment. As Lord Howard opened the door and moved back to his place at the head of the table, he hardly spared Roman another glance, and Roman had no choice but to meekly follow. 

Sitting down, Roman realized most of the people at the table were staring at him like one would a fresh kill, their expressions a mixture of pity and approval while they averted their eyes. Sinking down even lower as the meeting resumed, he realized this was to be the second part of his punishment. He was to learn and remember his role as Lord Howard’s betrothed and eventual husband. Sit still and look pretty, step a toe out of line and be punished, and make sure everyone in the room knew that the power held over him was just as absolute as the power the earl held over everything else. 

“I’m pleased to know some people still know how to keep common folk in line. Truly, the disrespect-” Roman’s ears rang as someone close by whispered to another just loud enough for him to overhear, making him want to sink down even lower and let the floor swallow him. 

The meeting continued on for what seemed like forever, but unlike before, Roman didn’t absorb a single word of what was said. The voices of the other lords washed over him as he sat as still as he could, hands clenched in his lap to keep them from trembling. When at last Lord Howard stood, Roman almost stood up next to him, but caught himself just in time and sent a questioning glance up at his fiance. 

Lord Howard’s lips curled into a smile, and he held his arm out to Roman in invitation. Roman swallowed down his revulsion and stood, slipping his arm into the earl’s and schooling his face into a pretty smile. Lord Howard covered Roman’s hand with his own, and Roman’s skin burned at the touch. 

“Well gentlemen, this concludes our discussion for the day, I do thank you all for coming.” 

One by one the nobles stood, nodding to Lord Howard as they filed out of the room. Roman’s cheeks heated as several of them swept their eyes over him as they passed, their gazes lingering on the bruise blooming on his face. When at last, every one of them was gone, Lord Howard turned his attention to Roman, all false pleasantries gone from his expression. 

“I trust that after today, any...confusion about your role here has been cleared up?” he asked, his voice low and dangerous. 

“Yes, my lord,” Roman whispered, and the earl smiled. 

“Good. Now go clean yourself up. Dinner is at seven o’clock sharp, and I expect you to look presentable.” 

“Yes, my lord,” Roman repeated, and as soon as Lord Howard dropped his arm, he practically bolted from the room. 

He hurried through the corridors of the mansion, head down and eyes stinging. When he finally reached his room, he all but slammed the door behind him, and collapsed to the floor, his shoulders shaking as he released the sob he’d been holding back for the past hour. 

He let himself cry, for how long, he wasn’t sure, not only for the sting on his cheek and the shame that came with it, but for every doubt, every grief, every pain that he’d pushed down and bottled up over the past month.  

After everything he’d been through, everything he’d sacrificed, was this really his fate? Chained forever to a man who only saw him as something to own, to display, to use... 

Roman lifted his head slowly. 

“Remember all that we've taught you, and you'll do fine." 

His father had taught him everything he knew about business, about politics, about matters of the state. He knew how to act with decorum, how to spot an opportunity, and how to charm a room while negotiating, all thanks to his father’s teachings. 

But now, with tears running down his face and a bruise blossoming on his cheek, he remembered another set of lessons. 

Lessons his mother had given him as a teenager, after time had run its course and he was no longer the slightly awkward, gangly kid he had once been. 

“You’ve grown into a handsome young man,” his mother had said to him on his eighteenth birthday. “Your father believes that when you are married, it will be purely for political reasons. You need to know that this may not be the case.” 

Roman had tried to forget the lessons his mother had passed down to him, had told himself that he would never need them...but here he was, sobbing on the floor, the first of what he knew would be many marks on his skin if he didn’t tread carefully. 

Roman learned everything he knew about running an estate from his father, but he learned everything about acting from his mother. Thanks to her, he knew how to conceal his emotions, how to smile when his stomach rolled over and how to sigh when his skin burned. He knew how to mold himself into the perfect husband, because if he did not let himself be molded he would find himself broken before it was too late. 

“Too late for what, mother?” the younger him had asked, eyes wide and horrified, and she’d smiled in a way he’d never seen before. 

“Did I ever tell you the story of how your grandfather died?” 

Roman knew what situations were most likely to result in “accidents,” what weapons were easily concealed and what poisons were difficult to detect. He knew how to pluck a nose hair to bring tears to his eyes and slap his cheeks so they appeared flushed. He knew how to appear calm and collected when he was suffering, and how to appear stricken with grief when all he felt was relief. 

He had been preparing for marriage his whole life...every kind of marriage. And now that he knew the kind of husband that Lord Howard really wanted, he knew exactly what kind of husband he was going to be. 

Even if he wouldn’t be one for very long. 

--- --- ---

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[flowerfan2]

The Etiquette of Affection

I’ve been loving Ted Lasso lately, and when I discovered that there were not very many fics in the fandom, I decided to do my part and contribute.  For your reading pleasure, have a little Ted Lasso/Trent Crimm first kiss... set mid-season two.  On A03 here.

In other news, I’m working on a David/Patrick AU, but it’s taking it’s time and probably won’t start posting for at least a few more weeks.

_________

The Crown and Anchor is boisterous and crowded, and Trent has no idea why he’s here, nursing a pint in a corner.  If he wanted to properly drown his post-Christmas sorrows and try to ignore the fact that he’s alone at the start of yet another new year, he could have found any number of less sticky establishments.

Trent takes out his phone, frowns at it, frowns at himself and at his pathetic situation, and tries to find something vaguely interesting to read.  

His moment of peace is disrupted by a group of people coming into the pub, and Trent winces when he sees who it is - Ted Lasso, accompanied by various Richmond staff and hangers-on.  There’s a cheer of welcome as they make their way in, Richmond having won its last game, appeasing the masses until the next loss.

Trent really can’t believe that Lasso has done as well as he has, despite all the odds.  Trent has a begrudging respect for the man.  And, if he lets himself admit it, a teeny, tiny, just barely there bit of a crush on him.

He lets himself gaze in Lasso’s direction.  There’s something compelling about him that isn’t captured by his aw shucks appearance.  It’s in the way he looks at you when he’s baring his heart to the world, opening up his chest to do it.  The way he tries.   Lasso brings earnest to a whole new level, and doesn’t flinch.  It makes Trent want to cry.  This, in turn, makes him want to bash Lasso over the head.  Or snog him senseless.  At this point, he’ll take either one.

Just then the man’s god-awful accent cuts through the clamor of the pub’s well-lubricated patrons, and Trent ducks his head.  He doesn’t want to be caught looking.  He doesn’t think he can take it tonight, can hold himself together if Lasso calls him over, says “call me Ted” again, and pats him good-naturedly on the back.  

Trent pays his tab and takes his leave.  Outside there are remnants of dirty snow clogging the streets, colored red and green by the winking Christmas lights on store windows.  Trent takes out a cigarette and lights it, inhaling deeply.  He’ll just calm his nerves here for a few minutes, then make the trek back to his flat.

The door opens a few minutes later, the rush of noise getting Trent’s attention.  It’s Lasso - of course it is - but he doesn’t see Trent, who has flattened himself against the wall.  Lasso looks around for a moment and then heads away from the pub, whistling what sounds frighteningly like a pop song from the 80’s, until he slips and crashes to the ground.

Trent is next to him in an instant, crouching down and letting his hands flutter to Lasso’s shoulders.  “Coach Lasso, are you all right?”

Lasso doesn’t open his eyes, and Trent fumbles for his phone, his heart racing.  But before he can dial emergency services, Lasso’s eyes blink open.  

“Coach Lasso, it’s me.  Trent Crimm.”

Lasso’s mouth quirks up in a smile.  “From the Independent.”

“Yes.”  Trent feels a traitorous beat of happiness at the worn joke.

“What happened?”

He raises an eyebrow.  “I don’t think you need me to figure it out.”

“But that’s your job.  Investigation, and such.”  Lasso struggles to sit up, and Trent wraps an arm around his shoulder, ignoring the fact that his own trousers are now soaked.

“Fine.”  He takes an exaggerated look around.  “I believe you fell on a patch of ice.”

Lasso starts to nod in agreement, but he grimaces at the movement.  “That’s why you win all the awards, I can see it now.”

“Are you injured?”

Lasso seems to assess the situation, moving his arms and legs.  “No, don’t seem to be any worse off than before I went down.  At least other than a sore head.”

“You might have a concussion.”  Trent helps him up, resisting the urge to trace his fingertips across Lasso’s head and check for a bump.

“I doubt it’s anything that impressive.”  Lasso tries to brush himself off, but the slush has soaked into his (very well fitted) jeans, and he sighs.  “Oh well, tomorrow’s laundry day anyway.”  He looks at Trent, and something flits across his expression that Trent can’t catch.  “Thank you, Trent Crimm from the Independent.”

Trent tries to suppress his answering smile, but he does a poor job.  “It was nothing.”  They stand there in silence for a strange, extenuated moment, and then Trent opens his mouth and - figuratively - leaps.

“May I walk you home?”  He refrains from explaining himself any further, although the excuses are on the tip of his tongue - in case Lasso is actually concussed, to make sure he gets some safely.

Lasso’s face brightens with unaffected pleasure.  “Why, that’s mighty nice of you.  Thank you.”

They walk in silence towards Lasso’s flat, both of them with their hands shoved into their pockets, elbows brushing occasionally when they shift to the side to allow another pedestrian to pass.  Trent knows Lasso lives near Brewers Lane, and he’s not surprised when Lasso comes to a stop a few minutes later, digging a key out of his pocket.

Trent draws in a deep breath, ready to say good night, when Lasso shoots him a shy smile.  “Want to come up?  I won’t make you tea, but I’ve got some hot chocolate, or pop.  I’d offer you a real drink, but given what I’ve learned from far too many lectures about concussions - not my own, mind you - that’s probably off the table.”

When Lasso stops babbling Trent tilts his head and nods, and Lasso laughs.  “A man of few words.  I can’t imagine you’ve ever been called that before.  Come on.”

Trent follows Lasso up the stairs and into his flat.  It’s surprisingly nice, warm and welcoming, like everything about Lasso.  

Lasso busies himself making the hot chocolate - from packets, in the microwave - and serves it with a plate of biscuits that unlike the hot cocoa seem to be homemade.

“Did someone make these for you?” Trent asks, and Lasso grins from the other side of the couch.

“Me, myself and I, I’m afraid.”

“No need to apologize.  They’re quite good.”

Trent sips the hot chocolate, avoiding the miniature marshmallows.  Lasso starts talking about a holiday dinner at Higgins’ home, how all the players brought their favorite foods.  How he’s so fortunate to be a part of the Richmond family.

Trent finds himself wishing he could have been there.

“Why’d you leave?”  Lasso asks, and Trent wonders if he missed the lead-in to this question.

“Leave where?”

“The pub.  Tonight.  You were there, but when I went to talk to you, you were gone.”

Trent finds himself held in Lasso’s searching gaze, and he doesn’t have any choice but to tell the truth.  “You.”

Lasso rears back in mock offense.  “Now, that is not what I wanted to hear.  What have I done this time?”

Trent tries to answer, he really does.  But Lasso is blinking at him so sincerely, he can’t find the words.  Throwing caution to the wind for the second time tonight, he leans in, close, until he can feel Lasso’s breath on his cheek.

“May I kiss you?” he whispers, hardly breathing.

“Always so formal,” Lasso responds, and then Lasso closes the distance.  It’s soft and tentative, until it isn’t, both of them sliding closer, Trent finally getting his hand in Lasso’s hair, trading eager kisses until they are forced to pull back to breathe.

Lasso leans his forehead against Trent’s and lets out a low chuckle.  “Trent Crimm from the Independent, now will you call me Ted?”

Trent laughs too, feeling lighter than he can remember.  “Yes, Ted.  I think I can manage that.”

[theseerasures]

Weiss's arc for the character thing and her relationship growth with rby (I love your metas they are soooo gooooood) also I hope the rest of your week is better

you weren’t the anon who sent me that ask about Weiss last week, were you? if not--hey other anon! hope this answer sates your curiosity as well.

(and the other other anon who asked about Weiss--man, it’s like y’all like her or something)

what i’m interested in right now with Weiss wrt her team (AND family) is the potential conflict that rests within the little tensions she’s engendered for herself, in terms of team and narrative role. she decided a long time ago to be The Best Teammate ever, and has lived up to that role with aplomb--in combat by taking on a support role, and out of combat by...also taking a support role. Weiss is the Steady One has been true since season 5, and she’s only extended that role outward since then. so like on the one hand this is great, good, love to see a character accept who they are, especially someone like Weiss, whose whole Thing in the Beacon Arc was that maybe she could stop making everything about her, but this also means that Weiss hasn’t gotten a lot to do for Weiss.

she’s mostly been cheering other folks on as they’ve undergone dramatic changes instead. again, this makes sense given her team role, but team support shouldn’t have to always mean “supporting character.” Yang makes a good contrast to her in this respect, because much of Yang’s arc in Mistral was learning how to be there for Ruby and Blake, and she got a ton of development as a result. Weiss hasn’t gotten that (yet), which is interesting because a) we are literally in HER playground right now, and b) Weiss might be Support for her team, but she is also The Knight--not just a knight, as in the chess pieces RWBY picked up, but the Knight, as in she can Summon a giant fuckoff one at any given moment. a core aspect of Weiss’ character is turning the princess trope on her head--she rescues herself, and saves other people. that’s been true; she certainly saved Willow and Whitley in a dramatic way this season, but only in a way that re-inscribes who she already is. part of being the protective knight requires drawing attention to yourself, but the narrative gaze hasn’t been on Weiss for a while.

and this holds true both in and out of universe for a certain extent, because entangled with the Knight-Support tension (ooooh Knight Enchanter Weiss Schnee) is the personal-political tension. here she has more in common with Blake, because they’re both public figures who came home to find home on fire and ended up having to oust the guy in charge whom they formerly trusted, but the difference is that Blake got to do all the legwork with killing Adam and fighting Ilia and getting everyone to sign her Change.org petition, while...Weiss isn’t really participating in the Atlas parts of Atlas. her siblings are instead: Whitley is using his powers as de facto CEO, and Winter is...Winter has tripped and fallen onto the position of emergency powers Supreme Chancellor. Weiss was handmaiden to both of their face turns, but obliquely, and both times she got to react only after they revealed themselves to be medium okay after all. one could argue that this is because she DOESN’T have any official power in Atlas, but still. the pendulum between “Weiss the Atlesian who cares about Atlesian politics and her family doing reparations” and “Weiss who is here to help Ruby and Penny” has swung pretty decisively in the latter direction.

Weiss has learned from her early days, but the longer it goes the more it seems like she...might have gone a little overboard with it. she won’t be able to play a supporting role forever; eventually, these tensions are going to come to a head, and Weiss is going to be forced to choose between them, or renegotiate the terms. the reason why Weiss vs. Winter is appealing to so many people (myself included) is because it gives Weiss that challenge: what if she has to choose between protecting her family or supporting her teammates? but there are other directions this could go too: is she going to keep being the backseat spare politically when it comes to negotiating with the Faunus? what will happen to her new political ideals if she or her family is faced with the threat of real material loss?

ultimately i’m left wanting more with Weiss, but only because she’s deliberately not finished. she’s not going anywhere, and the writers will eventually deliver.

[hatboyproject]

This is very long, but it might be of interest to someone, somewhere. I was asked recently about the direction I'm taking this romance in and whether or not I'll be addressing certain disability specific subjects within it. The answer, of course, is yes - I have always planned to do this in one form or another. Whilst no single piece of media can address everything I'd like to say on the subject, and I am working within the bounds of a larger story with its own pacing and focus to consider, there's still room to touch on some of these things.

I'm aware that my interpretations won't always be the same as others'. They are my interpretations, coloured by my experiences and feelings, and ultimately, this is my mod - I'm writing it for everybody who 'wears the ballcap,' so to speak! But, it's my interpretation of this character that I'm trying to share with everyone. Different people "took the helm" (laugh, I'm hilarious!) on writing Jeff across the trilogy, and as time has gone on I've been trying to convince myself that it's okay to have my turn at doing that, too - albeit in a non-professional capacity. So... Let's get into my interpretation of Jeff, where his stuff comes from on my view, and how things went to get him to where we are at the beginning of ME3, where the romance can occur.

A lot of how I interpret him comes from experiences in my own life with my own issues, and with those of my loved ones, some of whom are physically disabled in similar (but not identical) ways to Jeff. Some of this carries an element of catharsis for me.

Mechanically and narratively speaking, what draws me to writing this romance is the contrast between how these two characters are strong. It's this core idea that strength doesn't have only one manifestation in a person. That loving somebody doesn't have to be done only one way, that it can be beautiful and passionate and fulfilling - even if, when it gets physical, the headboard can't exactly be made to shatter with the force of it all. For me, it's also an exercise in insecurity and dealing with feelings of frustrated inadequacy - something that has plagued me my whole life.

Yes, yes, he's fictional - but the only way for me to really get into a character is to think about them as if they're a real being. When I look at Jeff as a person, I see many things... Some very positive, some pretty negative... I try to see him as a complete person with strengths and flaws.

On the surface he is often defensive, dismissive, sarcastic, and emotionally avoidant. But why is that? He is highly skilled, dedicated and capable, and knows it, but at the same time is a person who is constantly overlooked, underestimated, and asked to work thrice as hard to get the same considerations. Even then, his validity is questioned often by almost everyone around him. Over time, combined with the realities of living with his physical condition, this has given him some deep-seated insecurities. He feels the need to brag about his skills because they are, ultimately, the one thing about himself that he is absolutely certain has real worth. He overcompensates for this by abusing rules and technicalities wherever he can, because I think he knows that if he played life by the rules, he'd never have gotten anywhere. It's a stacked deck, so why not hide some aces up his sleeve? When you don't fit in the box provided, you question the value of every box you see.

When a person lives with this long enough, it can get hard to swim against the tide of society's expectations and still remain chipper about it, let alone not internalise some of it. It can cause a person to create a shell constructed out of distrust and untruth.

Living with a disability can really suck sometimes, and the suck is compounded when having to deal with your own frustrations plus those of others. In my personal experience, that happens a lot.

There is a certain sense of alienation that it can create, and it can become a kind of Sword of Damocles. It can be easier to anticipate rejection and others' assumptions, inabilities to understand or relate than to keep reaching out, only to have the same tired conversations about being different. I see a lot of this in him. I understand the chip he has on his shoulder.

I also see an extremely sensitive, empathetic, devoted and boundlessly loving person under all that. In fact, it's because of these things that I think he actively tries to distance himself. At the core of his being, I see Jeff as somebody who loves quickly and completely. I think he sees that as a vulnerability, incompatible with what he's learned he has to do to survive... and also with the machismo thing that comes with being a pilot. I think on some level he's terrified of that about himself, but he also can't help it. Jeff is ride or die. So, he tells himself he doesn't care and never lets anyone in. Any time anyone showed interest, he'd shut them down, alienate them, distance himself, and get in the seat of something that flies.

I think up until now, (ME3) he's seen intimacy both as a thing he longs for, but is also afraid of because of his fundamental knowledge that he is different. He thinks he can't "measure up" to what he sees all around him. He sees romance as something that will lead to his inevitable rejection and being crushed, emotionally - and if he's not careful, physically, too. I think he's embarrassed about that as well. He's very interested where it comes to all that, but the things he likes to watch, he knows he can't do like that. His only experience is second-hand as a voyeur, so some of his perceptions about that are unhealthy for him. I think any kind of attempt by the medical professionals in his life to broach the topic and offer support on, he's angrily changed the subject, or stopped listening to, because of the entire mess above. I think Jeff is kind of a lonely person, and some of it is self-imposed, though the reasons for him thinking it's the right thing to do aren't all within his control.

All this is difficult for him to reconcile with, because he has been desperately in love with his commanding officer since almost the moment s/he met him, but entirely unprepared to face it.

I think at first it was easy for him to dismiss it as a stupid crush. Everyone gets them when cramped up in close quarters in stressful situations and the Commander's magnetism was hard to ignore. But then it became clear that Shepard really hadn't read his file and really hadn't made any assumptions at all about him. S/he just wanted to know him, and as time progressed and that actually bore out, it got hard not to really feel something powerful, even though s/he was the Commander and it wasn't strictly appropriate to think that way. But, then there was that thing about not fitting in the box provided...

I think he agonised over coming to Shepard with it, but ultimately decided it would be selfish with everything they were going through. I think there was a part of him that decided s/he'd never be interested anyway, not when there were other, healthier people to choose from... People who didn't have these hangups or need special accommodations made for them. I think he decided to keep it to himself, for what he felt was both their sakes.

If/When the Commander quietly hooked up with someone else, I think he had a lot of feelings all at once. On the one hand, the person he cared for most was finding some peace in all the craziness. On the other, he wished that particular brand of peace was shared with him. Most of the time there were more important things to worry about, but during downtime, I think it was on his mind a lot.

I think he feels very sheepish about it, but occasionally his jealousy got the better of him and he interrupted Shepard at moments that got too hard to watch on the security cams. He watched the cams around the ship lot, and listened in on all the others a fair bit. I think because he saw himself as being at a remove from most people in a lot of ways, it was easy to justify that to himself. I think he saw it kind of like listening to a podcast or a soap opera or... Nature documentary, almost, or something. He got to know all of them in this way... Parasocially at first, but gradually, socially too. He felt better about trying, because he had this secret edge. Not the greatest stuff he's ever done, but... Complete person. Strengths and flaws.

And then, the unthinkable happened. He couldn't accept that the ship was dying. He was sure he could save it... But when Shepard's hand touched his shoulder, when s/he'd come back for him, he knew it was over. And then, it really was over. Shepard paid the price for his arrogance. The person he wanted to protect the most spun off out into space. The communicator between his mask and that helmet was still in range for long enough that he could hear the choking. For a long time afterward, even hearing people cough made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

The Alliance grounded him. I don't think he even had the capacity to be mad about it. I think that was a hard time for Jeff. I think between being burdened with the knowledge of the Reapers, the loss of Shepard, and the weight of his guilt, he was pretty close to the very, very edge when Cerberus knocked on his door and made him a bunch of promises. Pretty sure those promises had nothing to do with leather seats and everything to do with Project Lazarus. I'm very sure that the promise of Shepard coming back is the reason he even let Cerberus pay for the surgeries he agreed to undergo, because I don't think he valued himself much at all at that point. I'm pretty sure it was being ready to help Shepard that he was thinking about when he was learning to walk on his painful legs without crutches for the very first time. When Cerberus offered him a big shiny reset button I think he took it without hesitation because there wasn't anything else to hope for. I think seeing Shepard in the docking bay galvanised him and without ever telling them so, he pledged his life to them even harder than before. I think he told himself that he would support Shepard in every way he could. He would go wherever, do whatever, and when dealing with him, try to give them what he knew they needed; a goddamn break.

So, fast forward again, and now we are here. With all of this in mind... Shepard might have had a dalliance with someone else, or might've been too damaged by their previous love interest on Horizon, or whatever. Either way, I think Jeff saw it as not his business to even dream about that. I think the guilt tore him up every time he looked at Shepard. I think he felt like on some level, he deserved the pain of unrequited feelings which only ever got more intense. If he didn't think himself worthy of it back then, doubly so now. I think during the six months of house arrest, he tried to visit, but the Alliance denied his every attempt. Then the attack on Earth happened.

And so now we have Jeff, who, just like other humans is confused and groping about for a sense of what's up and what's down. Fortunately for him, Shepard is part of that sense of stability. He's just better at hiding it, because avoiding it and telling himself to focus elsewhere is second nature to him by this point. But things are a little different, now. Shepard seems looking around for a connection too. Future days seem short in number and the rulebook less and less important by the minute. Denying it to himself becomes impossible, and even EDI prods him about it. Shepard won't stop being so goddamn nice to him and even responds with things that if he didn't know better, he could interpret as... But then all the old insecurities come rushing back and he's walking on his own damn eggshells again. Fuck it. It's time to admit it. To come clean. S/he has to know.

So he asks. And s/he accepts. He's equal parts thrilled, stunned and terrified. He's even on some level, suspicious. Is s/he setting him up for a fall? Are they angry about his responsibility? What do they want out of this, actually? He hasn't explained what it'd be like. That what they're doubtlessly expecting of him is unrealistic. That he's completely inexperienced. I think at this point, he's a bit pissed off with himself and feeling a lot of dread because he's pretty sure how this is going to go. He realises he's got so caught up in it that he's done things in the wrong order. Damage control. He has to talk with Shepard and explain what s/he should expect from him, because it will be different. Manage expectations because he's had to manage his own. He goes in steeled.

But s/he knows it will be different, it turns out. As ever, Shepard has made no assumptions whatsoever. S/he only wants to get to know him. Wants him for everything he is, and accepts what he is not. It was never an issue for them beyond understanding how to work with it, because he is worthy just as he is, and has worked hard enough. He has to teach them about his limitations, about underestimating and overestimating... But where there's a will, there's a way. Time for a few shared moments of peace before the end of days, and through all the craziness, something feels right at last. He feels safe enough to let Shepard in properly. Thus begins his reassessment of himself and reckoning with letting go of the insecurities he has that aren't actually his own, but come from outside.

Also he totally gets to sext the Commander now when s/he's on missions. Nice.

So. There's a lot more I could say and expound upon but it's been hours and I have stuff to do. That's my direction. It's not going to suit everyone, and I doubt I can get everything across... But I'll try. I'm just one person, with just one perspective, with just one version of this story. But I hope people like what I come up with surrounding this framework, because I have lived a lot of it myself. Just a few less Reapers in my version. Not everyone's experiences and responses will be the same.

[kim-monsterlings]

Vardelk - M Goblin x GN Reader // SFW

The pictures do not belong to me. I only created the mood board. Do not repost my work anywhere.

Content: SFW/Orange, mild fae trickery, swearing, a rude goblin, mention of past heartbreak + cheating, alluding to past sex, one cute lil kiss - if there is anything below which needs to be mentioned here in future, let me know!

Wordcount: 2256

Notes: so... this isn’t really the prompt (and knowing me I will be writing the prompt again because I can’t help myself, and creating Huddle Haven just has so much opportunity for cuddly monsters) but I read it and my brain just ran off with it and thus, Vardelk was born. Credit to @monsterkinkmeme​ for the original prompt!!

Masterlist

"Nobody else is available," Lacey said. Her keen, fae-folk eyes fell to where your knuckles cracked in the uncomfortable silence. "He looks so sad. Just for an hour? He told me to find someone for him, and, well," she drew in a breath. "I'm trying."

Huddle Haven was always busiest on the weekends, though tonight was one of the busiest evenings you had ever seen. The ache in your chest reminded you that this weekend had just followed Valentine's Day. Most of the patrons crowding the small café now had come with broken hearts, from failed dates and relationships ended only a day prior, and you had told Lacey - you had, you remembered, even texted her, that more volunteers were needed for today.

You were only supposed to be staff behind the counter, helping clean and take orders, sometimes assisting in the baking, not one of the volunteers for dates. No less being a human, and not what the customer had come for.

"Double pay "

"Lacey-"

"Permanently."

Fae could only articulate the truth. If she truly offered you double pay, a permanent rise, then Lacey now was beyond desperate. In bringing you out to customers - hardly presentable under the guise of a date, too, then the patron had to be more than just “sad.”

Her unwavering resolve made you frown. "Are you trying to trick me into this?"

"Permanent double pay raise," she said - a deliberate avoidance, then she pursed her black lips, the same glossy colour as her gossamer wings. "I would owe you a favour, too."

"Deal."

Lacey’s jaw fell baring sharpened teeth, her eyes sparking at the weight of the binding deal. Though, you wasted no time on the burden of the oral contract, nor on what you could claim from it, already passing over your sugar-stained apron. An exchange of forced smiles worsened the knot forming in your stomach.

"He's in the corner booth."

Chest tight, you nodded, whispering, "what-?"

"Goblin."

It wasn't like you were seeing anyone. You hadn't for a while, and the nerves forced a lump to your throat. The only real reason you were against this was a panic beginning to cloud your thoughts. He must have come with a broken heart, and you weren't so sure how much help you would be, rusty as you were.

Lacey's gentle nod was a push out of the kitchen. The sight already overwhelmed you; booths filled mainly with couples, though some sat as more, partners hurt by another in a polyamorous relationship leaving. Today wasn't the first time you had seen someone crying on a volunteer’s shoulder, though admittedly the first time you had seen both a tiefling and harpy cry here.

The goblin in question wasn't visible above the booth until you squeezed by an octomer - one you had seen surprisingly frequently, well-versed in walking on tentacles curled together in an effort to find a mate - before hesitating just before the table to steady yourself.

Lacey was right; he looked miserable, and bitter. From first impression alone, the atmosphere he exuded was one you were reluctant to disturb, and served only to lock your body tighter. Even still, he had made an effort; smart clothes, a black shirt crisp against his dark green skin, trimmed gold at the collar like his thin septum ring. Another two gold rings sat at his thin lips, gnawed at now by sharp teeth.

He might have looked miserable, but when he looked up, the softening of his face softened yours, too, and he looked cute, with his bright eyes rounded and long ears twitching; before he scowled, and turned back to staring at his hands.

"May I?" The goblin tipped his chin, though didn't say a word, so you sat slowly and introduced yourself. In silence, too, waiting for the goblin to say anything.

Only after a minute of silence did he grunt, "Vardelk."

"So," you hummed, and his face fell. Questions raced through your mind, but each seemed too cliché, too date-like too soon. Some came to Huddle Haven for comfort, for a distraction or a date, but if you had to guess, his deadpan stare wasn't one of wanting a date. "Have you been waiting long?"

Vardelk only shrugged one light shoulder, but his eyes narrowed. They ran over you in a way that had you squirming and struggling for words.

"Are you hungry? Their sundaes are good. Cakes, too, but I prefer the brownies. Hot chocolate over coffee," you mumbled, itching to draw a response, anything from the pensive goblin, but nothing worked. With nothing coming to mind - and in a last ditch effort before you began to ramble all the more, you asked, "what brought you here today?"

Vardelk's nails tapped at the faded cloth. "You work here, don't you?"

For such a sudden change in conversation, albeit a one-sided one, you stared at him for a second before your thoughts caught up. In the moment that passed, he scoffed, and his sharp eyes pierced you. They struck you like Lacey’s had, narrowed and biting.

"They had to pay someone to sit with me, huh? Forget it. Fuck this."

Guilt twisted at you when he began to shift out of the booth, but you made no move to stop him, only speaking quietly. "We ran out of volunteers. They didn't anticipate it being so busy. I'm sorry. I usually only work in the kitchens."

His dark eyes rolled and his voice hardened. "You didn't anticipate monsters having their hearts broken? Typical. Never the humans."

The initial shock of him realising that you were, in fact, human, wore off fast. Unhindered pain replaced all guilt and lodged at the back of your throat, but your words held steady and hopefully, hit as hard as his stare. "I first came here like you months ago, not for a job, but because I'd had my heart broken. By a drider, by the way," you added, and Vardelk had the nerve to shrug. "I sat with-" breath rushed from you at the memory of the day warmed in the hug of a volunteer. "He was a minotaur, and he sat with me as I cried. We went out again on a real date. For a while, actually. Until I finally put out, as he so eloquently said, because apparently broken-hearted people make for the best fucks. So no, it isn't only monsters, and our time is up, I think."

The sting blurring your vision wasn't worth the glimmer of regret on the goblin's features. He didn't deserve to know the hell you'd been through, and you were almost from the small booth when a soft touch caught your hand.

Needless to say, you snatched back from his touch, unashamed of the tears now brimming when you finally met his dark stare again. Thick ears you had earlier thought of as cute twitched back when his shoulders hunched over.

"I'm sorry."

It was your turn to don the mask of an empty expression, voice blank. "Thanks."

“We were together a year,” Vardelk whispered. Blunt nails tapped at the cloth as he cleared his throat. “Someone else was in our bed. Goblins can’t be enough for anyone, apparently. That we wouldn’t ever be enough. I’m quoting,” he said then, finally looking up.

His eyes were misty, too. "You left?"

Vardelk's smile was pained. "The offer of an open relationship didn’t appeal after being cheated on."

"Human?" His small chest puffed out and he sunk back with a weak nod. "I'm sorry, too."

Little could be said beyond your whispered apologies. There was little you wanted to say. Silence in your booth was nothing in the warmth of Huddle Haven, soft laughs echoing among deeper conversations at other tables. This weekend would be the hardest, not only with the rush of heartbroken patrons, but the reminder of your own pain, thanks to your “date.”

"Do you… do you want a brownie?"

"Me?"

Vardelk's smile was small, but it was there. "Hot chocolate, maybe?"

With an equally tentative smile, you said, "your treat for being an ass."

Then to your surprise - and relief, the goblin grinned, small legs tucking beneath him on the cushioned booth when he reached for a menu. Your rambling hadn’t fallen ignored, as Vardelk ordered a salted caramel sundae from Lacey, then, smiling, two hot chocolates and a brownie for you.

"Let me clarify first," you said. Vardelk’s ears drooped with his body shrinking back, and you spoke softer when his hands fell beneath the table to wring in his lap. "This doesn't have to be a date. Do you want to talk about it, or do you want to be distracted?"

With the desserts laid down, Vardelk brightened. "Distract me."

So you did. Obviously, a little unfortunately, Vardelk was aware of where you worked and how you were paid to accompany him. Under your careful shift in conversation, you learned he worked only across the road in a small flower shop, one he loathed more than anything at this time of year; as much as you hated the crowding in your café.

“I’d never been interested in coming here before... before yesterday, but,” Vardelk sipped at the hot chocolate, frowning at it. “People rush here. I see it all the time, coming to buy flowers then crossing the road. I don’t like blind dates. Never have,” he bit out. "They only start in disappointment and end in wasted time."

“I’m not disappointed.”

Vardelk rolled his eyes, but you only laughed, even after inadvertently calling this a date.

Until today, dating, the mere thought of it, sickened you, and with good reason, too. Even this had come at the coercion and bargaining of a fae, which said enough about your aversion to dating.

But something about Vardelk made your cheeks warm. The longer you sat with him, the easier conversation flowed. He was prickly and pessimistic, but you laughed, and his smiles grew until enough time passed for you to return the favour - you had been a little bit of an ass, too - and you shared churros together. Over the second dessert, small mannerisms began to warm you to him, your stomach fluttering with each eye roll. His earrings would clink when his head tilted, or when they trembled and tucked back at his embarrassment, or how when he was listening, really listening, he would draw his lips rings between sharp teeth and hum quietly. It was endearing to see his legs swinging gently beneath the table, too.

Huddle Haven closed at seven. Not late, but it wasn’t a bar, only a café, and any later welcoming the heartbroken would have the café open infinitely. Lacey came when Vardelk was absent from the table with the reminder that you were still on shift, and would be staying behind as usual to clean with everyone; "so don't get any ideas about leaving just yet," she'd said, her feathered eyebrows raised, but with the way she nudged you, there would be more probing for gossip about your forced date than any cleaning.

The goblin stood tucked into the wall beside you, bundled beneath a thick coat and a scarf almost his height. He was the last to leave, and reluctantly so, scuffing his heels and fiddling with the frayed ends of his sleeves, enough that you had to turn to hide your smile when he fumbled buttoning the coat, too.

"I know I was a prick," he began, and there was no avoiding the warmth to his eyes when he looked up. He stood a couple of feet smaller than you, the difference in height more obvious when he looked down again. "But I want it to be a date. To have another date."

The inclination to continue this into the evening shocked you, the want to agree on the tip of your tongue, but you couldn’t. As much as you longed to, you whispered, "I'm not looking to be a rebound."

Vardelk flinched. He began to deny it, words stuttered and softening into whispers, before biting down on his lip with a sharp nod. This was your first date in a long while, and after a reluctance to pursue any relationship for as long a time. He had been in a year long one, too, and if he only used you to move on once you had grown attached, your heart couldn’t take it.

But...

Beyond the resurfaced pain, the initial spat and his outwardly cruel demeanor, the afternoon together had been pleasant. For the first time in a long time, you wanted to go out again, to spend time with someone knowing you could be more than just friends, and you wanted that to be with him.

And he was cute.

"Come back in a month," you said. Vardelk's teeth caught at his lip ring when he choked, a nod shaking his gold earrings. "I'll say yes in a month."

The goblin came back the next day, a small smile enough for you weaken into accepting the bunch of flowers, and he returned each week with a brighter bunch. Keeping your word was a struggle, and on the second week you may have bowed to kiss him that night, just once, and Vardelk tucked a flower against your ear when you crouched, promising you would be worth the wait.

A month to the day of meeting, you saw him leaving the florist, and met him outside with a smile as big as his.

[hikarimiyanaga]

I'll Always Be Yours (Part 4)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Fourth Song : Kung ‘Di Rin Lang Ikaw (If it’s not you)

You finally try to move on… but you’ve always had a stubborn heart.

A/N : Had to get help because google translate is making my brain hurt.

Warning : Angst Still

That doesn't get removed until the last three songs. So enjoy.

Dialogues that are in parenthesis are spoken in Japanese in this.

If you were not the reason

Will it force my heart not to be hurt?

If it’s not you then it won’t matter

I will be forced to hope for the two of us

-

It wasn’t as if you didn’t try to love other girls before… just. When you had the best, others can’t really compare. Even if you have touched others, you still remember her the most. Even if others have kissed you, it was still her lips that you crave the most. Even if others flirt with you, it was still her laughter that you want.

Loving has never been easy for you… Not when someone has stolen your heart and has never given it back.

-

“Y/N?” Silvia calls out and you hum. The woman besides you stir and you quickly wear your clothes. You sigh and open your hotel room door.

“Had a late night snack?” You groan as you glare at her.

“Where’s Miyuki?” “Right here!” Miyuki greets and she waves a box of donuts at your face. You quickly snatches it and takes one for yourself. You let them inside as the woman from the night before opens the bedroom door.

“Oh. You have visitors.”

“Yeah.” The woman, still naked, goes to you and gets a donut without a care. She goes back inside your bedroom and presumably dresses herself.

“Jesus. What the fuck?” You see Silvia has turned around while Miyuki just gets a donut from the box.

“Seriously? Are you a virgin?”

“Still! GOD!”

“She’s a gentlewoman.” Miyuki answers and you nod.

“Yeah. I got that… have you done it?”

“DAMN IT! Don’t answer, Miyuki! I swear!”

“Oh! Sp-“ Silvia screeches and you laugh at her.

-

You were listening to music as Silvia and Miyuki flirt in the other room inside the Ryokan that you were in. You decided to travel around Japan while… trying to get over Natasha. Your phone pings. Another video of her. You decide to ignore it this time and look out of the window. You hum along with the music.

“Hey, boss?” After what seemed like hours, Silvia finally checks in on you.

“Yeah?”

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You going to go in the baths, boss?” Miyuki asks and you shake your head.

“Maybe tomorrow.”

“Okay. Call us if you need us.” You nod and they close the door to your room.

-

You’ve been in Japan for a week now. And was it breathtaking. You wonder why your mother never brought you here before… oh.

-

Natalia hums as you kiss the top of her head.

“What’s that?” You ask as you sit besides her.

“Japan.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. It’ where my next target is.”

“Oh. Damn.” Natalia hums and she snuggles into you more. “I wanna go there with you.”

“For real?” You hum.

“Yeah. I want to travel the world with you. No mission, no target. Just us.”

“Is that a promise?” You smirk and nod.

“Of course, for our forever.”

-

You run a hand through your hair and sigh… that’s why.

-

“She’s in Japan right now.” Natasha and Clint groans at that.

“Damn it.”

“Oh. Her paintings look beautiful.” Natasha’s ears perk up at that.

“Paintings?”

“Yeah. Look. The highest price ever of one of her paintings is 10 million dollars… she donates most of them to charities.”

“Oh. Wow.” Natasha smiles at your paintings and her heart stops at a particular portrait… it was her.

“Nat.” Clint calls out and Natasha looks at him. “You’re crying.” Natasha quickly wipes her tears away as Tony zooms on the portrait.

“Is this you?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know her?”

“Yeah.”

“Interesting… I’ll have to go to one of her exhibitions then.”

-

It's cold and I can't move

My difficult heart wants is all you

-

You were at a club with Silvia and Miyuki, and the two were clearly grinding to each other. You were cold already but didn’t want to ruin their fun so you stayed despite your freezing ass.

(“Hi?”) A woman asks as she sits besides you.

(“Oh. Hello.”) You reply in Japanese which made her smirk.

(“So you know Japanese. I thought you were a foreigner.”)

(“I am. I just love languages… and learned some of them.”)

-

“Baby, shouldn’t you be resting when you’re with me?” Natalia bites her finger and hums. “Nat. Come on.”

“But I need to learn this!” She huffs as she plops onto you. You grunt as she settles on your lap.

“Don’t worry.” You pick up the book and smile at her. “I’ll help you.”

You learned together with her.

-

(“Oh. So you’re smart too.”)

(“You could say that.”) You take a sip of your drink and you check the woman out. She was gorgeous and sexy… but somehow you’re mind can only think of Nat tonight. (“And my friends are so drunk.”) You stand and pay your tab. (“Maybe I’ll see you around, gorgeous.”) She giggles and nods at you. You go to Silvia and Miyuki who are just straight making out in the dancefloor. You break their kiss and drag them to the Ryokan you were staying in.

-

If it’s not us at the end

Restrain myself not to fall in love again

If it’s not us at the end

Will I stop my heart to love you?

-

You hum as Silvia and Miyuki groan. The three of you are eating breakfast at the Ryokan. And while you were calmly eating yours, they were both in pain.

“This is what happens, when you two are jealous and are drinking.”

“What?”

“Silvia is jealous of that man that you called your best friend.”

“Oh. Shinichiro?”

“So many syllables.” You mumble as you drink down your green tea. Miyuki is teasing Silvia when you leave them. Your phone pings and it was an e-mail this time… from Stark Industries? No… from Tony Stark himself.

Jesus. A promise of at least a million if you reserve a spot for your next exhibition. You replied.

-

“I’m in.” Tony smirks at Natasha and tosses his phone to the table.

“What?”

“Your girlfriend? The Painter? I got her to reserve me a spot for her next art exhibition.” Natasha smiles and hugs Tony.

“Thanks, Tony.” He nods at her and gets his breakfast.

-

“Hey, boss?” You hum and look at Silvia. “A woman is trying to get past Miyuki and insists that you know her.” You turn and see the gorgeous woman from the bar.

“I know her. Let her through your girlfriend.”

“You sure?” You nod in confirmation and Silvia leaves to let Miyuki let the woman go through.

(“Your bodyguards are overprotective of you.”) You smirk.

(“That’s what I pay them for.”) She laughs then sits beside you.

(“I haven’t introduced myself yet.”) You hum and look at her. (“The name’s Yukino, I’m a curator.”) You raise your eyebrows at her. (“And you’re master Y/N Y/LN.”) You chuckle.

(“So you have any motives in talking with me?”)

(“Yes?”) You hum. (“A date, if I can.”) You laugh and agree.

-

It’s been a week since you’ve been casually seeing Yukino. She wasn’t just gorgeous and sexy. She was also kind, smart and a bad-ass… she kinda remind-

You take a sharp breath to stop your mind from going back to her… but you can’t help it. Specially when you think of how Yukino laughs. It sounds so good but. You run a hand through your hair.

“GODDAMN IT!” You shout in frustration and you rip away the sketch that has her face on it. You cry and break down. You have to break up with Yukino. She was amazing… which is why you can’t promise her a relationship. Not when Natasha clearly still has your heart.

-

You were eating ice cream while binge watching true crime documentaries… they were morbid for other people but you always loved them. Specially when you watched them with her. You had to see a teary-eyed Yukino while you told her that someone else still had your heart. Your stubborn heart would have loved her. If only you had it then you would’ve fall for her.

“Fuck you, Nat.” You mumble, bitter on missing out on a relationship that would’ve been amazing.

-

If you were not the reason

Will you choose to avoid to not get hurt?

If not you then who else?

The tears in the morning for the two of us

Releasing because I’m unable to move

Do you stop your heart that is shouting another?

-

You’ve gathered all of your sketchpads that was full of her drawings… and damn was it a lot.

“Damn, boss.” Silvia whistles when the two steps into your room.

“What are you planning to do with all of them?”

“I don’t know either.” You groan and lay on the floor.

“Want us to burn them?” Miyuki punches Silvia’s shoulder who winces.

“No.” You sigh as you sit up. “Just. I need time to myself.” They nod and leave you alone. You cry as you mourn your heart. The what-ifs. Every relationship that could’ve been happy. And you mourn your future. Because you know… you could never truly get over her.

You release all of them as you think about how easy it was for her to kiss Steve. How good they looked together. How being heroes together must’ve cemented their relationship.

You break down as you sob your heart out.

-

I’m lost and the view is distant

Preventing my heart that is forcing you

-

You stare out at the view… it was beautiful but you somehow can’t appreciate it enough to draw it.

“Boss, lunch.”

“Wha- Oh.” You get the food and thank Miyuki. They were both worried for you. You’ve been staring but were not moving your pencil.

“Are you okay, Y/N?” You sigh and shake your head at her. “Do you still blame yourself for Yukino?” You chuckle.

“No. I don’t blame me.” You smile weakly at her. “I blame Natasha.”

“Natasha?”

“Yeah. Romanoff.”

“The Black Widow?” You nod in confirmation and Miyuki tilts her head at you. You smile.

“She used to be mine.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.”

“Can’t get over her?”

“I don’t think I ever will.” You eat your lunch.

[misc-headcanons]

Gotcha, in that case I'd like to request a Bleach match-up! I'm straight, Male, Libra and an INTP! I'm usually seen as an introvert to most people at first glance, which is technically true, but I consider myself more of an ambivert. There are plenty of times where I willingly 'came out of my shell' so to speak, and I like to think of myself as creative as I write alot and have alot of ideas everywhere in my head and if someone were genuinely curious about them I would be more than happy to talk about them. I tend to also love debating with people, not the negative kind, but I genuinely love finding out what the other person feels about a certain topic and why they think that, and should our opinions conflict I'm more than up to either debate and discuss the differences in our opinions or to simply agree to disagree- as although I love debating I don't want to make the other person feel bad or make them upset- to me debating is something people can use to understand the other person and each other, allowing them to both grow, so if one person leaves feeling dejected I feel a bit confused. However, I'm also quite lazy when it comes to things that don't motivate me, and although I'm trying my best to get over that hurdle, I love sitting down and playing games. Apparently I also have a face that makes people not want to approach for some reason, which I find annoying but accepted and thus I forced myself to become more extroverted

I also love trying new things, whether it be something as simple as playing a new game or eating a new food, or something like trying to learn a new skill, such as ice-skating for example, or drawing- although my motivation for them depends on my talent for them, or how much the person I'm doing it with enjoys it themselves. I also have a strong sense of things I believe in as I'm actually studying to be a Lawyer in order to help people whom need helping. I also, thankfully, tend to think with my head, but I had times where I allowed myself to be petty to some people when annoyed, such as being sarcastic or mocking them when people outright insult me, which is a trait I'm hot very proud of but have accepted. Anyways, thank you for doing this! I appreciate it, I hope you have a great day!

I match you with...Harribel!

Harribel is also an ambivert who leans on introverted, as she doesn't talk much aside from her Fracciones, Aizen, or her opponent. Even then, she's an Arrancar of few words. I think she's very introspective and has an interest in creating things, but as an Arrancar she doesn't really know if she's able to on the same level as humans or Shinigami; they've been so focused on survival, so indulging in things like writing/art/music is something she hasn't really done before. She'd want to hear about your ideas and read any writing you'd be willing to share. She also reads any and every book in your home, just because she's so curious about the experiences humans write down and make. 

She understands video games in theory--humans simulating things they can't do in the real world as a kind of fantasy for stimulation--but she's not really into them at first. She likes watching YOU play video games though, especially the ones with a lot of story behind them. She does develop an interest in RPGs and strategy games, though!

Since she's in the Human World, she's got a lot of new experiences to try and she'd be happy you're so open to trying new things with her. Human food is especially interesting since she's in a human gigai that needs it to survive--and apparently, most humans don't hunt and eat their prey directly. Grocery stores are like...inconceivable to her. It's so convenient and abundant, unlike Hueco Mundo! She'd also love to go places like an aquarium, zoo, botanical garden, etc. with all sorts of life.

She also reads lots of your law textbooks and is interested in the history of how humans made these rules and enforce them today. As the ruler of Las Noches she doesn't really have many "laws" for her people to follow, and she can't imagine it'd end well if she instituted even a handful of the laws humans have. She views it as a profession based around strategy and diplomacy, so she admires your intelligence and how you use it to help those who don't have your knowledge.

She isn't a very petty person, but she doesn't judge you for that part of yourself. She WOULD urge you to keep your anger in check and remember that in the grand scheme of things, trivial slights mean nothing. Granted she has the perspective of a culture where disputes usually end in bloodshed, so she assumes that in the more peaceful Human World (where that can't be how things are solved all the time, being petty or sarcastic is a perfectly acceptable way to cope. You know, since you can't fucking kill and eat someone for making you upset without getting into trouble.

[sarahjtv]

BNHA Chapter 310 Spoiler Thoughts: “The First and Second Holders”

Some fan translations are out and it’s time to flex some thoughts out again!  I couldn’t do them last night because I didn’t have all the scan images with me and I didn’t want to jump the gun with only text descriptions.  Anyway, this was mainly an exposition chapter that properly introduces us to the second and third OFA Holders, especially the 2nd and what his relationship to the 1st is.  This might not be as long as others “Spoiler Thoughts” I’ve written, but let’s see:

First off, we have a colored cover page by Horikoshi-sensei himself!  It’s a solo page featuring Vigilante Deku and he looks badass!  Deku looks ready to kick ass and take names.  And, his Mid-Gauntlet is colored red like a lot of us thought and it adds to the theory that Melissa Shield did create it like she did with Deku’s Full-Gauntlet back in Two Heroes.

The chapter starts in a dark and rainy night.  A large woman (she’s like maybe 10ft tall; she’s taller than All Might who I think is 7ft) with a mutant-type quirk who’s getting attacked by some civilians because they think she’s a villain.  Deku jumps in to stop the attacks and the woman explains that she was just trying to go to one of the evacuation centers at a hero school.  Deku is kind enough to give her her umbrella back and reassure her that things will be ok.  

I gotta say that this whole situation is scarily close to real life right now.  I don’t like getting too political, but we live in a scary world where discrimination is, unfortunately, alive and well...  If you are a POC, you can be attacked from anywhere with the only reason being that “you’re a danger because of the skin you were born with”. It’s horrific, it’s disgusting, and it’s been around for a long time.  Even in the BNHA universe, there used to be cults solely dedicated to discriminating against mutant-type people (we learned this back in the My Villain Academia Arc).  So, like in the real world, this problem has risen again.  Thankfully, there are people like Deku and All Might who are more than willing to help someone in need regardless of who they are.  BNHA hits too close to home sometimes.  

Anyway, going back to the BNHA story.  Before All Might leaves to help the woman in his Batmobile, he hands Deku some Pork Katsu in a cute bento box wrapped in a bunny cloth!  Deku is visibly happy and thanks All Might for the meal.  This is so cute!  I’m so glad to see that All Might is making sure that Deku is being properly taken care of.  Boy needs to eat if he’s going to save the world.  I’m also glad that Deku can still show signs of happiness despite, well, everything.  I swear, if All Might doesn’t legally adopt Deku as his son by the time this series is over, I’m going to jump into this manga and force him to sign those documents myself. 

The next panel shows Deku standing on what looks like Tokyo’s famous Sky Tree (or Sky Egg if we’re going off what Vigilantes showed us).  He’s back to talking to the OFA Holders like they’re angels on his shoulders.  Banjo talks about how it’s like the world’s reverted back in time when things were worse and Deku responds that if he doesn’t use all of OFA’s power, he’ll never be able to defeat Shigaraki and AFO.  I know we’re in the final act, so Deku’s gotta get to 100% fast if he wants to win this war.  Last we checked, he was at 45%, but he might be at a higher percentage now since he’s unlocked En’s Smokescreen.  Also, Deku’s looking more and more like Batman each chapter and I gotta say that it really suits him.

Back to the Vestige Dream back when Deku was still in a coma after the war.  The 1st Holder begs the 2nd and 3rd to corporate with him so that they can provide their power to Deku.  The 1st calls the 2nd and 3rd “My Heroes” which causes some awkward silence lol.  Neither one is responding, so Banjo breaks the silence by suggesting that Deku learn everyone’s Quirks so that he’ll get used to them once he starts using them.  We learn why the 2nd and 3rd are the 1st’s heroes soon, but it’s actually a good idea for Deku to learn about all these different Quirks while he’s sleeping so that he’ll get a good idea on how to execute them when he wakes up.  It’s kind of a way of training for Deku just without actually using the Quirks themselves.  

The 3rd Holder (the one with the spiky ponytail and headband) starts to talk.  He says that the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd came from the “Harshest era of history”.  It was a time where AFO ruled all and peaked in power and control.  He was going to take over the whole world if the first 3 Holders didn’t step in to stop him.  My guess is that after AFO was defeated for the first time, society started to calm down and become more or less the world we knew before the War Arc.  So, things weren’t as bad during the 4th Holder’s era and so forth.  This would explain why Shinomori was able to hide in the forest for so long without being detected.  

And now the big part of the chapter: the 2nd Holder.  Who does in fact look A LOT like Bakugo.  Big difference is that he has a massive scar across his face.  I am aware of the whole “time travel” theory that people have going on with Bakugo and this dude, but I’m not on that train.  Instead, I think that the 2nd Holder is one of Bakugo’s ancestors.  Like, a really, really-great-grandfather.  Horikoshi doesn’t just design his characters for no reason.  The fact that the 2nd user looks so much like Bakugo, has a costume similar to Bakugo’s, and that future panels in this chapter straight up parallel that iconic scene with young Bakugo and Deku in the river only add fuel to this fire.  Unless Horikoshi says otherwise, this is the theory I’m sticking to: this “Ancestor” theory.

And we know of the 1st user’s real name now too, which is Yoichi!  If Horikoshi is keeping up with the “numbers in names” theme, then I’m positive that Yochi has the kanji for “One” somewhere in it.  And, if we’re going to believe AFO at all, then that means that the 1st user’s full name is Yoichi Shigaraki.  We don’t know AFO’s full name yet.  But, again, AFO could be lying with his last name, so I’m taking this one with a grain of salt.

Back to the 2nd Holder, he tells Yoichi that a lot of lives were sacrificed in order to stop AFO back then.  He believes that there is only victory or defeat in battle; that there’s no hope of saving their archenemy.  He has doubt about putting his faith in Deku because of this.  Given how the 3rd Holder still has his back turned too, I’m lead to believe that he also thinks Deku is crazy for wanting to save Shigaraki.  I don’t exactly blame them.  Really, none of us know if Deku will be successful in saving Shigaraki.  He might have to kill him in the end.  I think they should offer Deku help, but I don’t blame them for being at least a little skeptical.  

But, Yoichi reminds the 2nd and 3rd users that they saved Yoichi back when AFO locked him up to die.  They found Yoichi with the intention to kill him it seems, but the 2nd Holder showed sympathy for Yoichi and lent him a helping hand despite Yoichi being AFO’s little brother.  This is the parallel panel I was talking about.  Yoichi is kneeling down on the floor and the 2nd user is standing up extending his hand to help Yoichi.  I don’t even need to look back in the manga to know what inspired this.  Hell, I don’t even need to tell you!  We all know what Horikoshi was doing when he drew and wrote this.

Yoichi convinces him that he should believe in Deku as Yoichi does think Deku will save the day.  If the 2nd user didn’t extend his hand to help Yoichi, OFA wouldn’t have begun.  I think that the trust between these two is ultimately the reason why the 2nd user finally agreed to help Deku; the same with the 3rd user too.  And, kind of a tangent, but I really like how Horikoshi draws Yoichi and the 2nd user’s hands as they’re reaching for each other.  Horikoshi has always been really good with drawing hands like they’re facial expressions (something my ass could never do 😭) and this one shows kindness and empathy.  It’s almost like what would’ve happened if Bakugo accepted Deku’s hand for help when they were young instead of letting his pride and ego get in the way.  Oh, the parallels! 

Finally, the 2nd user speaks in present day telling Deku that they’re going full speed ahead now.  My guess is that Deku’s going to have to improve on OFA and the rest of his Quirks quickly in order to find and beat the LoV.  We are in the Final Act after all.  The chapter ends at a good place if we want to switch to the UA kids, which is honestly what I’m hoping for.  Again, I love Deku and his Vigilante adventures, but I miss the rest of the kids.  The new BNHA Exhibition in Japan apparently has a giant drawing of the main class, All Might, Aizawa, and Shinso in his new hero costume!  Which tells me that 1. Shinso probably took Deku’s place in the class for the time being, and 2. We’re definitely going to see the other kids again.  I’m hoping soon.  But, I wouldn’t be surprised if Horikoshi decided to continue focusing on Deku’s Vigilanteism and have him practice with he 2nd and 3rd Holder’s Quirks now that they’re working with him.  We’ll just have to see.

So, that’s it!  Solid chapter overall.  I’m glad we finally got to see the 3rd and 2nd Holder’s faces.  I think the “Kirishima is the 3rd Holder” theroy has been debunked at this point, but I’m still on the “2nd Holder is Bakugo’s ancestor” train.  The similarities and parallels are too strong for me to deny it.  Horikoshi-sensei, please confirm or deny soon 🙏.  We are getting break next week for Golden Week BTW!  All of Shonen Jump is actually, so no One Piece or JJK either (I’m not sure about Jump+, so we might still be getting some Spy X Family for example).  So, basically all our favorite mangakas are getting a well-deserved break as they should!  I hope they enjoy their vacation!  Waiting’s going to suck tho, I’m ngl about that...  Oh well, I’m willing to take the sacrifice if it means having healthy mangka.  Thankfully, we still have the anime and the new exhibition to tide us over until then.

Edit: OR NOT SINCE THE EXHIBITION IS TEMPORARILY CLOSED BECAUSE OF A CERTAIN PANDEMIC GOING NUTS IN JAPAN AFTER ONLY BEING OPEN FOR 2 DAYS 😭 

Edit: I went back to re-read the chapter and I completely missed the date for the next chapter (chapter 311) which is set to release on May 9th!  So, we’re actually getting a 2 week break instead.  Damn...  Sucks for us, but it’s good for mangaka to get breaks when they can especially considering their absolutely insane schedule.

Me reading this chapter: