#fuck meds and fuck therapy what i need is for the world to get it's shit together and start fucking gardening

[davidtennantpussytulpa]

when you literally live in a world that wasnt made for you 😆🔫

[nimomo-mo]

Vent

[bugpov]

i'd go like actually insane and throw myself out the window or smth if i didn't have any screens to entertain me like damn i got my phone taken away a lot when i was younger cuz i guess i was on it too much, so i just sat in my bed with all the dust and spider webs crying cuz i was alone with my anxiety and darkness and nothing to distract me cuz my family hardly talked or interacted with me and all my friends just liked to clown me and never wanted to hang out. like my family didn't even fucking feed me properly when i was little and they yelled at me and treated me like shit cuz i didn't wanna wash a sink full of their nasty ass dishes fuck u im not ur fucking child slave

[bitchesgetriches]

Take care of your body

Why You Should Take a Break: The Importance of Rest and Relaxation

I Think I Need to Go the Emergency Room?

Run With Me if You Want to Save: How Exercising Will Save You Money

Your Yearly Free Medical Care Checklist

Ask the Bitches: Ugh, How Do I Build the Habit of Taking Meds?

Blood Money: Menstrual Products for Surviving Your Period While Poor

On Pulling Weeds and Fighting Back: How (and Why) to Protect Abortion Rights

Ask the Bitches: How Can I Survive in an Apartment with No Heat?

Take care of your mind

Our Master List of 100% Free Mental Health Self-Care Tactics

How Mental Health Affects Your Finances

Ask the Bitches: “How Do I Protect My Own Mental Health While Still Helping Others?”

Kurt Vonnegut’s Galapagos and Your Big Brain

Everything Is Stressful and I’m Dying: How to Survive a Panic Attack

Stop Recommending Therapy Like It’s a Magic Bean That’ll Grow Me a Beanstalk to Neurotypicaltown

Making Decisions Under Stress: The Siren Song of Chocolate Cake

Ask the Bitches: I Know How to Struggle and Fight, but I Don’t Know How to Succeed

Ask the Bitches: How Can I Absolve Myself of Financial Guilt Over My Pricey PS4?

The Frugal Introvert’s Guide to the Weekend

Update: I Know How to Struggle and Fight, but I Don’t Know How to Succeed

Take care of your time

Stop Measuring Your Time in Beyoncé Hours

Help! I’m Procrastinating and I Can’t Get Up!

You Won’t Regret Your Frugal 20s

Actually, Fuck Big Goals

How to Insulate Yourself From Advertisements

I’ve Succeeded at Every New Year’s Resolution I’ve Ever Made. Here’s How.

Romanticizing the Side Hustle: When 1 Job Isn’t Enough

8 Free Time Management Systems To Try in the New Year

My 25 Secrets to Successfully Working from Home with ADHD

I Am So Over Productivity Porn

Take care of your career

High School Students Have No Way of Knowing What Career to Choose. Why Do We Make Them Do It Anyway?

The Actually Helpful, Nuanced, Non-Bullshit Way to Choose a Future Career

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Are You Working on the Next Fyre Festival?: Identifying a Toxic Workplace

My Secret Weapon for Preparing for Awkward Boss Confrontations

Freelancer, Protect Thyself… With a Fair Contract

I Hate My Job and I Don’t Know How To Leave It: A Confession

A New Job, a New Day, a New Life, and I’m Feeling Good

Season 1, Episode 9: “I’ve Given up on My Dream Career. Where Do I Go From Here?”

Take care of your space

How to Successfully Work from Home Without Losing Your Goddamn Mind (Or Your Job)

Leaving Home before 18: A Practical Guide for Cast-Offs, Runaways, and Everybody in Between

Ask the Bitches: I Want to Move Out, but I Can’t Afford It. How Bad Would It Be to Take out Student Loans to Cover It?

How To Maintain Your Car When You’re Barely Driving It

Take care of your people

How Dafuq Do Couples Share Their Money?

Ask the Bitches: “How Do I Protect My Own Mental Health While Still Helping Others?”

How Can I Tame My Family’s Crazy Gift-Giving Expectations?

Ask the Bitches: I Was Guilted Into Caring for a Sick, Abusive Parent. Now What?

Love in the Time of Coronavirus: How to Protect Your Community and Your Soul from COVID-19

Be Somebody’s Eliza with a Simple Yet Life-Changing Act of Kindness

Take care of your financial well-being

Ask the Bitches: How Can I Make Myself Financially Secure Before Age 30?

How to Save for Retirement When You Make Less Than $30,000 a Year

Ask the Bitches: Is It Too Late to Get My Financial Shit Together?

Slay Your Financial Vampires

Should Artists Ever Work for Free?

Don’t Spend Money on Shit You Don’t Like, Fool

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Financial Math

Share My Horror at the World’s Worst Debt Visualization

Stop Undervaluing Your Freelance Work, You Darling Fool

[czrpenters]

mine | gf!sam carpenter x reader

summary: it's very hard to sam fight against her instincts. so, maybe she should embrace them.

pairings: ghostface!sam carpenter x mackenzie!fem!reader.

warnings: mentions of mental disorders, blood, death of a character, suicide, dark themes.

word count: 3.2k words.

masterlist | request rules.

Sam felt guilty. She felt dirty. Disgusting, even.

Ever since the attacks in Woodsboro, she felt a switch turn inside of her. I mean, she always felt a little different, ever since she was a kid; she hated sharing, hated when things didn't went her way. Hated pretty much every person alive except her sister. And she never found peace. She had to reccur to drinking and drugs to forget about those feelings, even if for just a second. It was raging. Like it was tearing her chest from the inside out. The hallucinations with her real father, the voices she heard telling her to do things, all the anxiety and panic she felt daily. It was torture, to her.

And that got so freaking worse when she met you.

Sam met you through her sister, Tara. The attacks in Woodsboro were very personal to you. You lost your sister there. Your best friend, your Liv. You guys were closer than everything. Both of you were almost the same person, like two peas in a pod. Losing her was losing a part of you. And Sam pretty much saved you back then. Physically and emotionally.

When Sam fell in love with you, she thought that all of the horrible shit she felt would go away for good. She was innocent, of course; thought that love was the solution to all the problems in the world. And it was, for a while.

She felt peaceful, she felt at home. Everytime you kissed her, she forgot about everything bad that was inside of her. It was calm. Something she didn't even remembered how it felt. After Richie, Sam never thought about dating again; she couldn't even trust people enough to let them in. But she trusted you; she loved you. There was something about you and your personality that captivated her, and Sam couldn't even figure it out what it was. She didn't wanted to. She was too busy loving you to even think about these things.

That was the scenario for the first few months of your relationship, of course.

She definetly felt a switch turn inside of her after the attacks.

Why did she felt like that? Why did it feel good? When killing Richie, stabbing him, his blood splattering all over the floor and against her face. Seeing his life fade away in her bare hands. Why did it felt right?

It was too much, for her. She had to go to therapy, against her own will. It was scary. She had to switch therapists every now and then everytime she spoke about her feelings. It was too much for them, as well.

These thoughts haunted her. She had dreams about Richie, about the feeling of his blood in her hands, the smell of Amber's burnt skin, the knife piercing through Richie's flesh. And it wasn't helpful when her father decided to show up every now and then to have a little chat with her.

"You know you wanna do it." Sam turned around, scared that someone had broken into her house, but it was just him. Billy Loomis. "It's a human instinct, Sam. It's our instinct."

She took a deep breath, deciding to ignore him, getting back to her chores. It was almost like she could feel his presence in the room physically. She heard him laugh, but promptly ignored him; getting back to cut some vegetables for dinner. "Look at you, Sam. Look how the knife fits perfectly in your hand. It's like you were made for this."

She closed her eyes shut and threw the knife angrily at the sink. "Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" She screamed, turning around and realizing he was finally gone. That was her life now, day after day. The meds were barely working, and therapy was pretty much useless. So, in a last attempt to save the last bits of her sanity, she decided to leave Woodsboro. Maybe that was the solution all along, she thought. She needed to move on, to forget about the trauma, to live a normal life with her family. And maybe, just maybe, New York City would erase all of the past.

--

Sam woke up breathless. Her heart was pounding out of her chest. Another nightmare, like usual. And as always, about you. Dreaming about your death. The thought of you dying was terrifying to her, she felt this need to protect you from everything and everyone at all times and it could be too much for her own sanity sometims.

She looked to the side of the bed, her body shaking when she realised you weren't there.

"(Y/N)?" She got up the bed and looked for you in the bathroom, feeling dizzy and anxious. "(Y/N)??"

She ran to the kitchen, hoping to find you there; which she did. You were making yourself some late night snack with your headphones on, not even paying atention to your surroundings. Her heart finally slowed down, holding the chair next to her to calm herself down. You turned around for whatever reason and saw her there, looking like she ran a marathon. "Baby? Are you okay?"

"I'm- I'm fine." She looked at you, breathless. You took your airpods off, worried. I mean, it was a common thing to see her waking up in the middle of the night; you knew she had nightmares all the time, probably everyday. You made her sit down, holding her head between your hands. "Tell me, what happened this time?"

"You were there... You were-" She didn't even had the guts to say it. She couldn't even think about you dying. "It felt so fucking real."

"I know, baby. I know." You soothed her, sitting in her lap and holding her in your arms. She felt a kiss on the top of her head, and your smell quickly invaded her nostrils; she finally was at peace now. "It was a bad dream, ok? Remember what I told you: These are only..."

"...Only dreams. You're right." She finished the sentence, looking at you, feeling finally at peace. You kissed her head again, getting out of your embrace.

"I'm gonna get you some water, baby."

"No... Stay with me." She whined, like a baby. You laughed and kissed her lips quickly.

"I'm literally 10 steps away from you. I think you can handle a couple of seconds without me, huh?" You answered, going to the fridge to grab her a water bottle. She looked straight at you, waiting for you to be done so she could finally hug you again. You handed her the water bottle and she promptly drank it; nightmares made her really thristy, for some reason. You were getting ready to sit on her lap again but your phone started ringing, making you go in its direction. "Who the fuck is calling me right now?"

You were intrigued, until you saw the number's id. It was your friend from college, Rachel. The two of you got very close ever since you moved to New York. And that bothered the shit out of Sam, mainly because you were talking to her all the time. Laughing with her, going to places with her. She should do all of this stuff with me, she thought.

"Let me guess... Rachel again?" Sam asked, kind of annoyed. The feeling she hated the most started to build up inside of her. She hated sharing.

"She's not that bad, baby. I get that she can be too much sometimes, but you really should give her a chance." You said before answering the phone. You were so naive, Sam thought. You were innocent to the point where you thought that the reason Sam hated her was because of her personality (rightfully so, because Rachel really could be unbearable sometimes). She could be the nicest, friendliest person in the entire world, and that wouldn't change a thing.

To Sam, she was competition. She was the enemy.

You turned away so you could talk to your friend more privately. It wasn't even something that important, probably just some late night movie session that Rachel was having on her own and she called to say how it was going. It was the love for movies that brought you two together; and also your shared hate of Van Helsing and the second triology of Star Wars.

Sam frowned and got up, going to the bathroom to wash her face a little bit. She was stressed. She was angry. This isn't how it was supposed to be.

Stupid. She's so stupid. She can't even wait until morning to call her? Fucking bitch.

She washed her face with a little bit of cold water, but when she was finished and looked herself in the mirror, she saw him again.

"She's so inconvinient, am I right?" He said, blood splattered all over his face and clothes. "Calling your girl at 3 AM, as if she didn't had anything better to do... As if she didn't had a girlfriend to take care of."

"Stop it." She said, quietly. She didn't wanted for you to know that Billy was back.

"Why do you let this happen, Sam? It isn't right. She's yours. Yet here you are, letting her waste your guys' time to talk with another chick. Oh, I thought you were better than that..."

"Please, shut up."

"You know what you need to do. This has gone way too far." He said, seriously. "You need to take her out of your way, Sam."

"I'm not gonna do shit." She took a deep breath, remembering all of the things you said to her when she was anxious, but this time they weren't helping.

"But you should. She's gonna take your girl away. Are you gonna let that happen, Sam? That's not how we do stuff."

"I'm not like you..."

"Don't be like me, then. Be better. Sneak away in the middle of the night."

"Stop."

"Grab your knife with you. Tie your hair in a ponytail."

"Please, stop."

"Slice her wrists and make it look like a suicide."

"Please..."

"Wear the mask, Sam."

"STOP!" She yelled, and looked up. Billy was gone.

"I'll call you later, Rach." You turned off your phone and ran into the bathroom, where you found Sam crying in front of the sink. You took the girl into your arms and caressed her hair softly.  "Baby, I'm so sorry... You're gonna be alright, okay?" Sam nodded in your arms, still crying. She was scared of herself. Scared of him coming back. Scared that this plan would, maybe, come true one day.

And the worst part about all of this is the fact it seemed like a very good idea.

--

It was eating her alive. Everytime you grabbed your phone to talk to her, everytime she called. Or worse, when you invited her over to watch some stupid sci-fi movies. She could do all that shit with me. She should do all that shit with me. That was all she was thinking when she was on her way to her therapist (which, surprisingly, didn't leave when Sam opened up about her feelings). It didn't take long for her to get to the therapist's office; that was something Sam loved about NYC. She would just take the subway and go pretty much everywhere in the city.

"I don't know if I can keep doing this." She said to her doctor, whose name she didn't even bothered to remember at the moment. Other than being a shrink, he was also a psychiatrist, and to Sam, it meant that his hobby was to fill her up with meds she didn't need.

"Doing what, Sam?" The man asked. He was a nice guy, Sam thought. Mid 50s, a velvety type of voice, and was one of the few people in the world that actually listened to her.

"Sharing her. I just, I can't. It's too much."

"She's not your possession, Sam. You know that, I know that." No. He was wrong. You were hers.

"I know." She lied. "But still. It bothers me."

"And how it makes you feel, exactly?"

"Like I'm about to die. Everytime she's not with me. Everytime she spends time with another person, I wished I was dead." Another lie. She didn't wanted to die, she wanted to kill. And deep down, she knew it. She knew Billy was right; it was her instinct. But she couldn't let them take over. She had to be good. For you, and you only.

"She's a grown woman. Don't you think she is allowed to have her own life?"

"I know that. But she could do all that stuff with me. I'm capable of making her laugh, watch some stupid movies with her, or take her to fucking Madison Square Garden or some shit. I'm enough. I'm all what she needs." She said that last part in a whisper. The doctor wrote some things down, before looking at her again.

"How are the meds going, Sam?" She took a deep breath, relaxing in the chair.

"They suck. But I'm still taking them." The therapist smiled.

"That's the spirit." He wrote another thing down. "I know they can be a little bit hard on your body, but you know they help. Are you still having hallucinations?"

"Sometimes. Not like in the past, but still." She looked at the ceiling, unable to make eye contact with the man. It was a tough topic.

"When do you have them, mostly?"

"When I'm angry, or alone." The doctor nodded, making Sam confused. "Why is that?"

"These are the moments that you feel the most vulnerable, and unfortunately that's how this works; it attacks you when it knows that it can get to you." He said, without even using the term that Sam feared the most. "You can't let that happen, Sam. When you feel angry, or when you're alone, try your best to not listen to it. To not listen to him. If it gets really bad I could prescribe you something, but-"

"No. No more meds." Sam interrupted him. "I can handle it."

He nodded. The consult ended quickly, and Sam was already roaming New York City's streets after a couple of minutes. She needed to forget about all of this, in a healthy way. She promised you and Tara to stop drinking, so the only solution she had to forget about all of her shit was to walk.

She grabbed her phone, hoping you'd had texted her. Nothing. Why she wouldn text me? She always texts me after my consult. Sam thought for a second. Opened Instagram, trying to see if you posted anything. She clicked on your stories. Her heart sank to her stomach, seeing a picture of you and Rachel. Of course she was with Rachel. Stupid, fucking Rachel. She didn't even knew you were gonna be with her tonight.

"Why didn't you tell me you were gonna be busy tonight?"

You didn't take long to respond. "I thought I told you, baby. I'm just watching some tv shows with Rach."

Just reading her name made Sam feel nauseous. Rachel. Such an ugly name.

Sam responded your text lovingly, but feeling the opposite inside. All of that anger and fury came back to her. And that was only one thing in her mind right now.

--

Sam waited. 30 minutes, 1 hour. 2 hours. Nothing. You got home after 3 hours of waiting, which made Sam freaking pissed. She was supposed to be with me.

"Hey baby, I'm home! Sorry I took too long..." You got into the apartment, and Sam gave you a fake smile. You walked to te couch, where she was sitting, and sat on her lap, kissing her entire face dozens of times. "I'm sorry, okay? I know that friday's are our nights, but I'll make it up to you. I promise."

"It's fine, baby. Don't worry."

It wasn't fine. Sam wasn't really proud of what she did next, but it was the only solution she could think at the moment. She put a few drops of some allergy meds in your water, to make you sleepy; which happened in about 30 minutes. You both were cuddling while watching some stupid reality show, when you fell asleep. It was te perfect oportunity; Tara was at Chad's dorm, Quinn was at some hookup's place. It was just the two of you. She would be back before you woke up.

Sam changed her clothing. Put on the most generic outfit she could find, nothing special. Grabbed a hair tie. Put a surgical mask on, along with some reading glasses. She felt like fucking Clark Kent. She put some stuff in her backpack and made her way into the streets. She was calm. You wouldn't find out. Never.

Sam was a smart girl, she did her research. She knew Rachel's address by memory, and with a little internet help, she also found out that Rachel was freaking depressed. Damn, how can this be so easy? Thankfully, Rachel lived in a small house right near Brooklyn. It was late at night, no one was walking the streets except for Sam. The whole way there, she felt anxious, but in the best fucking way possible. Sam never felt this good before, only when she was with you. She always felt happy with you.

It didn't took that long for Sam to get there. Sam tied her hair, looking at the girls body right at the window. She was hidden behind a car, which made it easier for her to change into the outfit she brought. A ghostface's outfit.

"Put on the mask, Sam." She heard Billy's voice in her head, making her shiver. "Listen to me this time."

And she did.

Sam entered the house with no difficulty, the girl lived by herself and had a poor security system. She got inside, and did what she was yearning to do for days.

"Sam? What are you doing here?" The girl asked, after Sam revealed herself. She wanted Rachel to ser her, she wanted for her to know who was her killer.

"I'm here to gut you, Rachel."

Sam took the girl down, immobilizing her. Putting all her body weight on the top of hers. She tried to fight back but it was useless, Sam was stronger.

With a razor, she slit both of the girls wrists vertically.

The blood splattered all over the floor, all over Sam's body.

She felt a rush of dopamine immediately. It felt so fucking good. Seeing her life fade away right in front of her. Now (Y/N) would spend all of her time with me.

Sam spent some 10 minutes just looking at the girls dead body, like if it was a piece of art. She took a deep breath, grabbing a wooden pick she brought with her to clean under Rachel's nails, trying to erase each and every bit of Sam's dna that could potentially frame her. She knew it wouldn't have any, but still.

Sam got up, went to the girls computer. Wrote a suicide letter. It was pretty convincible, to be honest.

Before leaving, Sam looked at her lifelesss body one last time, her mouth watering at the sight. Right next to her, was Billy, looking pleased.

"Good job, Sam. I'm proud of you, kid." Sam took a deep breath. "No one is taking your girl away now."

⠀

tags: @laenordeservedbetter @attaccadq

[kitthepurplepotato]

Chapter 13 - You are my Number One.

Summary: Katsuki is more freaked out about Y/N’s appointment than Y/N herself.

Warning: Swear words, nothing too cheeky this time!

First Chapter Master List

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

It’s 5AM in the fucking morning but Katsuki is already freaking out.

He’s not worried. He has no reason to be; he’s not a fucking doctor but he knows there is no way Y/N’s appointment will bear anything but good news; she’s healthy and full of energy, her movements are back to normal even without the meds, so really, there is no reason for him to be a big ball of anxiety right now.

No reason.

But… he still can’t stop spiraling about the ‘what if’s.

What if she only looks fine and after a few tests the doctor decides to put her back on the meds? His woman is strong, the strongest person in the world but she would break down to hear that after all the work she’s done to get better.

What if the doctor tells him to wait another year before she goes back to actual hero work? Again, she would loose her shit. She would probably burn the whole hospital down out of frustration. Katsuki is not a big fan of rescue missions and it’s also way too fucking early for that shit. He does miss the adrenaline of being on the field but he definitely does not miss the smell of burnt flesh and he might be the number two hero, but he definitely can’t save more than 3000 people in one go, especially as at least half of them are disabled and incapable of running.

“Woman.” Katsuki shakes his still sleeping girlfriend with a manic face. “Whatever happens today you can NOT burn the hospital down.” He yells with a serious face but his woman only snorts at him.

“The fuck, Katsuki?” She laughs and oh god, he absolutely fucking loves her sleepy little laugh. “Why are you the one freaking out? You look I just went into labor.” Honestly, Katsuki wishes that was the case. Even though, now that he said that, Y/N would probably burn the hospital down due to her frustration from being in so much pain for so long. Okay, no kids for Katsuki then. It’s a small sacrifice for the greater good. “What the fuck are you muttering about?” She giggles at him so Katsuki decides to change the topic by pushing a big cup of coffee into his girlfriend’s hands. It works every time. Nothing is more important than a morning coffee. Not even mass murder. Good.

Katsuki feels like he’s about to throw up. His face must be really pale as the Menace looks at him with worry etched into her features.

“We need to leave in twenty minutes, hurry up.” Katsuki makes a hard turn and stomps towards his dresser to find something normal. What do people wear to hospitals at all? His usual attire in a hospital usually consist of a hero suit soaked through with his own blood. Or ridiculously oversized trousers and a hoodie three times the size of him topped up with a cap and a face mask or at least that’s what he used to wear when he was forced to go to therapy.

This time, Katsuki wants to look… well… proper. He’s not going there alone, he’s going with his partner, his future wife (probably?!), the woman he’s so fucking proud of; he wants her to be proud of him too. It’s stupid, he knows, but somehow, it feels like this is important; this is the first time they attend an important appointment together. This is the first time he’s going to be seen as Y/N’s boyfriend. Katsuki feels like he’s about meet her parents or some shit.

“You don’t need to come with me, I’ll be fine alone.” She mutters, but that’s the last thing Katsuki wants to do.

“Do I fucking look like I’m capable of sitting on my ass right now, you idiot?” Katsuki lashes out. “I want to be there, I want to hold your hand and shit. I want to… fuck, I want to be there with you. I want to share the burden. You see, I’m already freaking out so you don’t have to. You can just giggle and be fucking adorable while I shit my pants. I’m perfectly fine with that.”

“Katsuki, you don’t make any sense but… thank you?” She giggles again and Katsuki swears he would be able to survive without water and food and get his nutrients from Y/N’s laughter instead. He’s so fucking fucked, isn’t he?

“Put some clothes on and let’s go.” Katsuki takes a plain black T-shirt and some tight jeans out of his dresser and makes a beeline to the bathroom. “If you don’t have proper clothing on by the time I come back you are going to the hospital in your pajamas.” Katsuki threatens but it doesn’t have an edge.

“Roger that, boss!” Y/N salutes before Katsuki slams the bedroom door aggressively.

~•💥•~

“Keep your eyes on the road, Kats, I won’t disappear.” You smile at your boyfriend who’s absolutely freaking the shit out right now, for no reason at all. It’s a little bit endearing.

You always knew he cares so much more than he’s willing to admit; he’s secretly a big softie for all his friends, even though he does nothing but yell at them all the time, but this is the first time Katsuki feels safe enough to actually show his affectionate side to anyone else and it makes you so fucking proud to be on the receptive side of it even if it’s a tiny bit annoying.

You don’t want to know how has Katsuki felt when you were gone for a day of this is how he reacts to a doctor’s appointment. Maybe you should thank Todoroki and Midoriya for keeping him alive while you were away back then.

“Technically…” Katsuki is about to give you shit and go all nerd on you, but you don’t let him finish.

“Technically, I can disappear, yes, but it doesn’t matter if you stare at me or not, I can literally do that anyway.” You retort scoldingly.

“Sorry, I’m just really fucking worried.” Katsuki sighs, his eyes finally back on the road. You sigh and move your your hand to caress the blond’s thigh, drawing soothing circles on his jeans to calm him down.

“You have no reason to be. It’s over, Katsuki. I’m over it and I know I won this fight, I just need a stupid paper from the doctor that makes it official. I trust my gut and my gut tells me I’m good. Don’t you trust me, KitKat?”

Katsuki visibly shakes at the new nickname you just gave him; thank god you two were waiting for the light to turn green, otherwise he would’ve caused an accident by stepping on the brake so suddenly.

“What’s with you and your stupid nicknames?” Katsuki mutters with the most adorable pout on his flushed little face.

“I can’t help it, you are so fucking cute.” You giggle and Katsuki is about to explode out of embarrassment when a loud honk coming from behind startles you both; the light turned green and you didn’t realize. Oh fuck.

“You are insufferable.” Katsuki mutters in front of himself and the rest of the ride is silent. You know your boyfriend well enough to know that nothing will calm him down right now anyway, so you just let him mutter to himself for the rest of the journey.

For your surprise, Katsuki intertwines his fingers with yours right when you stand by his side after the ride. His hold is downright painful, but you decide to not speak up about it; Katsuki clearly needs this right now and seeing him so stressed about something that doesn’t even affect him in any way makes you realize how important you are for him. Bakugou Katsuki can’t seem to stop surprising you these days, in a good way.

“Hello.” Katsuki mutters at the entrance; it looks like it literally pains him to be nice to someone else for once, but he does it anyway. Why? You have no fucking idea. Katsuki looks at the amused lady at the front desk with a constipated face. “Appointment. For Y/N.” Katsuki mutters again, his face red as a tomato. You don’t have the heart to tell him that he doesn’t need to do this at all as everyone knows your face by now.

“End of the hallway, right side, 235. Good luck!” The lady gives you a thumbs up and you can barely smile back as Katsuki is already pulling you towards the fore-mentioned door. He knock three times aggressively and the door opens; the nurse’s face pales at the sight of the number two hero towering against her at 6AM in the fucking morning.

“Ahh, Y/N! Come on in, your guest can wait in the waiting room until we finish!” The nurse gives Katsuki a forced smile, already knowing there’s gonna be drama.

“I’m not a fucking guest, I’m her boyfriend! I took care of her fucking ass this whole week! I should be allowed to come in!” Katsuki almost yells at the poor nurse, but his voice gets quieter as he finishes his sentence. Fuck, he’s trying so hard.

“Sir, I understand but we need your girlfriend’s full attention. We need to do some tests as well today. Please, take a seat outside.” She points at the bench on the hallway. “Would you like some tea, or some coffee? We have some pastries as well if you are hungry!”

Wow, you do get a different treatment when you are the number two hero in the country.

“Do I look like I need caffeine, woman?” Katsuki mutters under his nose, his hands still in yours. “Just fucking… go…” the blond mutters, slowly letting you free from his grasp.

“I’ll be fine. I love you.” You hug your boyfriend tightly, hoping he can feel how grateful you are for everything. The nurse steps back into the office and leaves the door open for you to come in when you are ready. You didn’t miss the tiny fond smile on her face as she left.

“You are invincible. Whatever fucking happens today… you are… you are my number one.” Katsuki’s head is about to explode. Your heart skips a beat.

“I’m the luckiest fucking bitch to walk this Earth. Fuck, Katsuki.” You can’t stop yourself from jumping on him and kissing him fiercely in the middle of the thankfully empty hallway like your life depends on it. It takes him a few seconds to reciprocate but when he does it gets even harder to let him go; he kisses you with the same fervor, his touches hot and full of desire. He pulls away rather abruptly, takes a few deep breaths then he finally speaks up:

“Go before I devour you in the middle of this stupid hallway that smells like cheap bleach.”

“I’ll be out before you know it.” You smile and leave a last, lingering kiss on the blond’s lips before you close the door on his cute, anxious face. You’ve never been into the whole marriage thing but you kinda want to elope with him right here, right now.

“Let’s get this over with.” You sigh as you sit down in front of your doctor, who can’t hide his amused face as he takes in your red lips and disheveled hair.

“I really want to tell you off for coming to my office looking like that but I’m actually quite impressed. So who’s the lucky guy?” The doctor smirks at you; your cheeks flush, making you look like a ripe tomato but he only laughs at that.

“See it for yourself after we are done here, sir.”

This is it. This is fucking it.

Oh shit, you haven’t been anxious at all before but now it kicks you in the face as you take in your doctors office, the white walls and all the equipment he’s about to use on you.

“Whatever happens, you are my number one.” Katsuki’s words play in your head like a mantra as your body slowly lets go of all the tension that suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

It doesn’t matter what the doctor says; it might sound super cheesy but even if you can never be a hero again, having Katsuki by your side, saving people for the both of you is more than enough for you.

So this is what people call “love”. It’s so powerful it changes even the strongest, most determined people.

You can’t help but giggle to yourself from your own silly thoughts.

You really are the luckiest person in the world, aren’t you?

… Next chapter!

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Potato ramble:

- This story is about end in a few chapters. I gave this a lot of thought and I realized I don’t need to write down every single idea I had for this one otherwise this story will never end and I have so many other stories in my head I want to share with you all, so I made the executive decision to try to finish this in 5 chapters (you guys know me though, that will be 10 lol).

- My plan is to finish this one, take a bit of a break and continue posting only the Deku one for a few weeks then come back with the Kirishima spin-off and then later with a new Katsuki x Reader series. I already have a few chapters ready for both but I’m trying to aim for having almost the whole thing written out before I start posting to not overwhelm myself but I might change my mind about that as I really enjoy to hear your thoughts and add some things you want to see and I absolutely love to listen to your feedback and make the next chapters more enjoyable. It’s hard to be an adult, I just wanna write and read your comments 24/7 😂

- Ah, also! I got over excited and I already have edited the header for the Kirishima spin-off! I hope you like it!

Yes, there is a typo in it, I’ll sort that out later shut up 😂

- I hope you guys had a lovely week and sorry for being so late; I got some bad news from the doctors and it messed up my head a little bit, I also did several extremely early shifts in a row and was dead tired in the afternoon so I had a hard time writing this week. Next week will be even worse so yeah… sorry in advance 😂

TL: @sixxze @iwannahaveaprettyaesthetic @hanatsuki-hime @cloroxisadelectabletreat @cheesenmax @coffeent @smolsleepybat @therealpotatobish @qardasngan @canarystwin @unofficialmuilover @nanamomo1 @mikestuffffs @p4ndawrites @yao-ai

[saintjosie]

I'm gonna jump in the discourse lol, I don't pass as a trans woman and I don't think I'll care to. But demilypyro was advocating for living as your best self, she happens to be in a country that funded her transition? But other than that she's like poor too. Idk it feels like everyone's just looking for trouble because she was responding to hate with snark

okay people really don’t get this so i’m gonna tell y’all a story. my story.

i’m a trans woman with a fuckload of privilege. i’m pretty, i’m passing, and i have a platform, but most importantly, i had the privilege of starting my transition when i was financially stable on my own in largely supportive environments. and i recognize these things now but i didn’t always.

i started my transition in may of 2020, during the height of lockdown. and at that time, i was working a cushy corporate salaried desk job with full benefits which included both therapy and gender affirming care. i got on hrt quickly, and because of good genes, because masculine asian features are regarded as feminine in western beauty standards, because i’m really fucking good at makeup, and because i was working from home and there was no where to go, i was able to stop boymoding by october of 2020, about 6 months after i started hrt.

and then around that same time, i had another stroke of luck. i made a tiktok about coming out at work, which i did in the most extra way imaginable, and that tiktok went viral. it got 300k views and overnight i went from having 150 followers on tiktok to several thousand. and a less than a year later, that grew to 100k.

that year was rough as hell. i transitioned during a time where going out into the world to find community was impossible. and i lost my job. and i got divorced. and i cut out my family. and because of all of that, i felt like i was doing better than a lot of other trans people. cause i was facing hardships and still doing incredible.

but even so, i was longing for community that would validate and accept me the way that i was validated and accepted online. and so over the next year, i moved across the country three times, something i was able to do only because i was able to afford it

during that year i finally started to get out and meet queer people as the pandemic slowed down. and as i connected with queer and trans people in varying stages on their own journey, i realized the enormous privilege of being able to transition, afford therapy, afford my meds, afford moving to a place where i could find community. i wasn’t just “better at being trans”, i was just luckier than most.

being able to accept being trans is so dependent on having the support structure around you to process what you are feeling. being able to socially transition is dependent on having the people around you who will accept your identity and being in a place where you are able to do so safely. being able to medically transition is dependent on having the physical health and financial stability to do so.

privilege is something that needs to be constantly dismantled within our community because privilege is the main weapon that is used to oppress us.

the fact that this demily person made a snide sarcastic comment doesn’t change the fact that she sought out a person without a following to shit on someone without a following. the inherent privilege of saying something like, “i’m better at being trans” even if she didn’t mean it seriously, shows that she doesn’t recognize the privilege of being in a place where you can learn to accept yourself.

and on top of all that because she’s a person with a following and a platform, the danger of that kind of thinking compounds and is worth calling out.

i’m not misunderstanding her intentions or the context.

you are misunderstanding privilege.

[lansplaining]

You know, in modern aus I feel like JGY gets done dirty a lot.

Like, this man is hardworking. Say whatever you’d like about anything else; not even the worst of takes try to claim that he’s anything less than dedicated and talented. In canon, this comes to nothing because the system is. The system is VERY not good, like, even more not good than usual.

But JGY is hard-working and very good at PR (look at those children! playing as the Noble War Hero Lianfang-zun! everyone saying ‘god i hope we don’t lose this guy for that brat teenager’ which is not the highest bar I admit but still works for my point!) it’s just that no matter how good he is at PR, his image is stained and destroyed by the default. He has to work against that shit.

He’d probably still have to work against it in a modern AU but also, like, his father isn’t the only possible source of an actual powerbase. His father isn’t his only way to power (and more importantly: safety), here! That alone does a fuck-ton, even if I’m halfway sure he would still end up trying for fatherly approval. But even just that lack of being permanently and irrevocably stuck on a ride that fucking hates you would do wonders for him.

He’d probably still end up as a scandal but there’s a difference between Modern AU magazines constantly airing out your personal life and people refusing to touch you because they believe you’re inherently tainted. Like, people will be assholes, but there is a real possibility of power all on his own merits, and I don’t think I can buy any version of Jiggy who would not desperately wish to have that. He wants to be RESPECTED! He wants to be SAFE! He wants to RUN A BUSINESS and by god, he is good at doing it.

Just. If NMJ can be less rage-poisoned, can JGY not get to be…you know. Valued a little more. You could scrap up replacement for magic murder via the switching of meds for a chronically ill man, after having erased all the original reasons why Jiggy did that murder in the first place, but you could also just simply NOT do that. If NMJ is not actively deteriorating due to rage disease then why is JGY the exact same way or pure cackling evil??? You do not think (comparatively) more equitable set-ups would…have an effect on him as a human being. You do not think that a society in which bureaucracy is a more valued skill than the ability to swing a sword around would have an effect on him?? YOU THINK A WORLD WHERE STARTING A BUSINESS IS A THING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY AND SUCCESSFULLY DO, WOULD HAVE ZERO EFFECT????

TL;DR — JGY should not be JGS’s cronie in Modern AUs, not if NMJ is out here with no degenerative evil disease, personally cuddling the souls of sick baby bunny rabbits back to life. He should be a middle manager struggling his way up at worst. Ideally, he should be a rival business to his father’s, about to crush him beneath his heel, and carry LXC off into the sunset.

YEAH MAN THIS DRIVES ME NUTS

why does modern AU NMJ always apparently get access to therapy to become a well-adjusted nice guy, but JGY's out here scheming and sometimes still literally murdering people

whatever crimes JGY actively commits need to not be that far outside the scope of what everyone else in his society is doing. literally everyone in the jianghu kills people-- that's the point. if JGY's doing actual murders, then everyone else had better be members of the mafia or FIFA executives or something

[magpiemoon6]

Extraction point

Simon Riley x Y/N

Sad fluff !!!

Warnings: PTSD, depression, mental health issues

( I'm sorry if there is any writing mistakes I'll fix them tomorrow)

Reminder people, you are loved and deserve happiness always <3

A thousand tones feel like it’s on my chest, I cannot breathe. Like the world has chosen this exact moment to swallow me up in my pain and stress. My mind betrays me and falls in its own trap of self-doubt. I’m so far behind where I’m meant to be and the guilt of not living up to my own expectations for my inner child is eating me up. And in this moment every single mistake or failure seems to pile up in my head. I’m drowning even though I’m on land.

But he seems to be a light in my darkness, I need Simon, and before the guilt stops me, I reach for my phone under the pile of covers and duvets. Searching through the stuffy warmth till my hand claps the cold object. Pulling it to my chest, my eyes are swollen from crying and my nose is entirely blocked from my crying till my vision goes blurry.

I search for his name in my phone, I just want to hear his phone, the warmth of his voice is like a drug and the euphoria should shield me from my pit.

Si <3

“Hey, are you free a second? If not no worries x”

I feel so wrong for relying on him, but I promised Simon, that if it gets bad, we won’t shut each other out not again. That we can be each other’s extraction point.

Buzzing snaps me out of my brain unravelling in my hands. He’s calling and my heart drops because if he hears I’ve been crying he will come running and I can’t do that to him. Clearing my throat, I click to answer.

“Hello lovie” Simon says, and it feels like the flood gates are getting harder to hold shut, I just want him here and I’m so fucking selfish for that.

“Hey baby, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have texted you” I respond, I don’t want him to panic so I’m praying that my voice sounds calm, and my breathing is even enough he won’t realise.

“What happened? Tell me please y/n? I’m here” I can hear the anxiousness in his voice creep in, shit he knows and when he says that everything in me that was protecting him from my pain breaks from his kindness.

I’m crying again silent tears and my breathing stops trying helplessly to hold it in.

“I’m fine, I’m fine Simon, it’s stupid I’m sorry for disturbing you. I’m a big girl I just needed to hear your voice,” my voice is breaking as I say it, my grip on my phone is too tight. I need to let go. But I cant.

“Y/n?” the softness in his tone is so different from his voice yet hearing him say my name gives me more comfort than the dozens of duvets on top of me.

“Yes Simon?” I need to get control of my sadness, it kills me knowing he has to hear me like this.

“It’s going to be okay love” and that makes me sob harder, holding the phone away from myself so he is saved from my pain.

“Okay, thank you. Bye Si” and that’s all I can say because if I say anything else it will involve me pathetically asking him over and he deserves better than the mess I am in this moment.

So now I’m sat here in my cold dark room alone. Submerged in my pain. I’m so tired of this, I want to be better, to get better and no more need for meds and therapy and other people to hold me together. I feel pathetic as if I’m dragging on everyone’s life. I want to live without all my sadness.

I’m too sucked into my own depression to hear the door of my flat opening and shutting. Too distracted to recognize the footsteps moving towards my room.

Simon opens the door, and I don’t know how to cope with my emotions. My heart practically burst knowing he came over, giving me some hope that maybe I am worthy of his love. But then he has to see my darkness, the hypocrite I am knowing I’ve seen him where I am and gave him all my love I possibly could.

“Hey love,” he’s quiet even for him, moving through the room like he is terrified he may break something or me.

“You didn’t have too” the guilt stays heavy on my shoulders.

Knowing he is staring at me, someone who is normally so full of light now covered in darkness that fills the room and holds it down. He begins to move onto the bed gently, moving himself silently under the covers with me. My heart hurts. Loving him gives me air in my lungs, everything about him gives me hope and love. I could stare at him for a thousand years and still not get enough.

“Y/n, I love you, okay? I will be here if I’m dead or alive, a million miles away or next door.” Pulling me into his chest, the heat of his body makes the blankets feel cold.

I cant stop crying even if I wanted too, pushing my face into his chest and curling into him, I let him hold me and begin to pull away all the darkness that doesn’t seem to drown me as much now. I feel him large hand begin to gently stroke my hair, moving through it as he soothes soul with his love.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble into his chest, this makes his hand stop its rhythmic pattern of brushing through my hair. Tilting my head to his eyes.

He stares back and I fall in love all over again, those honey eyes are only filled with compassion and understanding. Before him my loneliness was my company, and everything was always so violent. But with him now I’m learning to live without violence and less loneliness.

“What’s our promise?” he asks me, still holding me tightly letting my pain wash away his love flooding me and bring me back to the now.

“That we will always be each other’s extraction point,” the quote we made up before we even started dating. The quote that we held onto before we knew our love wasn’t one sided.

“Exactly,” he says and goes back to stroking my hair and listening to my hiccupping breathing, never judging just existing with me.

“Thank you, I love you” and I mean it, the same way I know he does too. Our darkness still haunts us both, but we have learnt to comfort each other and hold out the light when we need it.

“I love you too”.

[seraphicleanings]

FEBRUARY 2023 CROWDFUND: i wanted to avoid crowdfunding on here again but several things have happened since november. 1. i had to fly to the state my mom is in because her cancer has worsened. i was assisting with handling getting her moved out of her apartment as she is now in a care facility, all of this cost money 2. on january 20th i had a physical altercation with a family member resulting in me having to get a hotel room for 2 nights then fly back to the state i live in (the flight change was $400 which i can’t afford to have that lost) 3. my mental health physical disabilities are worsening due to stress and compounding trauma so i need to seek treatment($75 physical therapist copays + any possible copays for therapy and psych/meds) 4. i have not worked since january 20th (it is now february 2nd) because my job has to replace my work computer and the situation has not been handled efficiently so my next check will be almost nothing. i am quite honestly on my last resolve and have practically given up. i do not have much hope for my physical and mental recovery currently so i haven’t been saving the little money i have because it’s felt pointless. i am begging for help, because i don’t want to give up on myself. i believe i deserve better than what the world has given me. my c*sh app is $JSMNRN and the best option for donations under like $25. thank you for any help

like my work computer got delayed again an hour ago.. i have missed 9 consecutive shifts now. i get paid biweekly so my check will be literally abysmal. at the very least i’d like to raise $400 to replace what i had to spend on my flight change 2 weeks ago after i was punched in my fucking jaw, and had nowhere else to stay

[sigridstumb]

Hey. Gen Xers, hey. Hey.

I want to translate a few things for you. When people, when The Youths, when they say something is traumatizing, or they have trauma, it doesn't mean what it meant when we were teens. It doesn't mean that a person is going to be nonfunctional the rest of their lives. It doesn't mean they will be institutionalized. It doesn't mean thorazine and straitjackets. It means that the person has reactions and does things that are counterproductive to the life they want to lead, and they can have therapy to fix it. When folks say they have PTSD, it doesn't mean hallucinating their way through the streets screaming until a group of huge strangers in white uniforms bundle them into a van and haul them away. It means they have trauma, see above, that is difficult to overcome completely, and they need to learn some workarounds to manage their own responses to the world. When people say that were abused, they don't necessarily mean being starved, beaten with a belt, and locked in a shed for years. They mean that their caregivers as children, or their partners as adults, the people they trusted to care about their needs and help meet those needs, did not do so. That the people they trusted to care about them broke that trust in ways that make it difficult from them to have healthy relationships now. Therapy helps with this. And if you've read this far, my dear Gen Xers, my comrades, my peers, my dudes, if you have read this far, I want you to know, you might could have some trauma too, and you can have a bit of therapy, for morale, to make your life easier.

It's okay to want to make your life easier now. It doesn't mean you deserved it, before. It doesn't mean your parents were monsters, people who are doing their best can fuck up and it's okay if those fuckups hurt you. It probably isn't going to ruin your life to ask for some help figuring things out, and if that ruins your life, well, something was fucked-up in your life that needed fixing.

Being tough and figuring shit out for yourself got you through. Past-you was a fucking champ, and they did everything they could with the tools they had to protect you and get you to where you are now. But there are better tools now. Dialectical Behavior Therapy wasn't a thing when we were kids. Nobody knew fuckall about ADHD or autism when we were kids. There are meds now, meds that WORK, for a lot of shit that we white-knuckled our way through. And, yes, you have a System now, and it mostly works, and I am so, so fucking proud of you for that. You did all of that, alone, and I am so, so very fucking proud of you.

But you can let go a bit. You can let it down. You can make your life a bit easier. You can get some help, some real help that works, now.

:fistbump:

Take care, my dudes. Take care.

[vole-mon-amour]

3x12, Jamie edition, part 4.

Jamie is basically ruling this game at this point. My wonderful, wonderful boy. All this training. All that development through the seasons. I am so fucking proud of him.

You know what this reminds me of? "Hey Jamie! JAMIE! 🖕"

It was what, 1x022? 1x03? When Ted wanted Jamie to be like this and Jamie was like, "Is this a fucking joke? But no one is laughing. I'm not fucking doing this." And now? NOW??? LOOK AT HIM GO!!!!

They fit sooo many callbacks into this ep. I love it.

Jamie in the center of attention again. Jamie celebrating with Sam and the entire team cheering them on. Beard running towards them. I want to grab them all in one huge hug.

Just what, a day or two ago a was begging for them to win, in a post about how important it is for me for Jamie to score? They did it. They fucking did it. ;_; I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

Ted celebrating with his previous team. Ted celebrating with this team. And look at Jamie. My boy.

Guys. How am I supposed to just let this show go? The thing that Jason created... Tears, just tears. The only piece of media that I was able to consume in 2021 and that got me through that year after my parents died. My goodness, it's everything.

He. Him. I'm gonna ignore the circumstances bc fuck that. Jamie deserves better.

But while I'm at it, Jamie needs therapy just as much as Roy. With his depression and PTSD it would only be right. Jamie probably needs meds, too. I want him to get better (and remove his abuser from him! Who fucking thought this was a good idea? Who thought to "forgive your abuser" is the right thing to do? I have questions to the writing room.)

Knee to knee, kiss already. I can feel so much Brett in this Roy, but I'm glad the boys are having fun together and seem to genuinely be very good friends.

Ooh, you make me live Whatever this world can give to me It's you, you're all I see Ooh, you make me live now, honey

That kind of thing. :) Now I can make edits, hehe.

Jamie being good friends with Rebecca? Are you kidding me? This is perfect. The height difference so that he has to tip toe :')

Also, Keeley in sneakers instead of high heels is such a wonderful development. Hell yeah, babe! Let your feet rest!

Roy was turning so for a second I thought he was going to join the hug and hug Jamie from behind. *deep sigh* Almost a kiss this season, almost a romantic hug. If only.

Soft boy. :') Such uncharacteristic, unusual look but yeah :')

So you can canonize this but not RJ and/or RJK? Really? Where did all the talk about Roy and Jamie being the best couple of the show go? Phil? Phil, I have questions.

But hey, for better or for worse, by weird feeling of Roy, Jamie, and Keeley all staying single seems to be working? Sure, they showed them all together, we can take it any way we like it. But I definitely see it more like Roy x Jamie at best and Keeley is focusing on her work. Roy and Jamie are sitting next to each other, very, VERY close & Keeley is a bit away from them. Hugging Phoebe :') She still loves that girl, obviously.

Lots to process, but if it IS the end of the show, I can basically make anything I want out of this. Which is still better than what they could've done, for which I'm still a tiny bit grateful. Didn't ruin it completely and thanks for that.

This isn't final thoughts, just some after the first watch. Gotta think on it and sleep on it and live for like a week on it.

[bullet-prooflove]

Kismet - Connor Rhodes x Reader

Tagging:  @cosmic-psychickitty    @brianbabygirlzvonecek    @ikbenplant   @rosaliedepp   @mrspeacem1nusone   @daniacat    @htariq    @sowrongitslottie   @readingbookelf    @earthtolottie    @crazy4chickennuggets   @cixrosie   @202rosebudd   @halsteadloversworld   @i-spaced-sorry    @lxna-mikaelsxn​   @1234-angelika��   @wolfers-stuff    @katia-01-05   @voidsteffy   @formulapierre    @aaronhtchnrs​

Being here at Chicago Med brought back a lot of memories, some good and some bad.  Connor remembers the thrill of it all, the surgeries, the challenges, the family that he’d never had. The people had been vital to him and truthfully, they still were, which was why he was here today. It’s been four years since he’s stepped foot in this place and now, he’s decided to return. He thought that the memories would fade over time, that the anxiety he had would subside, but the truth is it’s still as prevalent as the day he left.

His tenure here at become a horror show towards the end. A litany of stress and anguish. When he looks back, he wondered how he survived what Ava Bekker put him through. Therapy has helped but at the time he had thought he was drowning in the insanity of it all.

“We’re alike you and I, we’ll both do anything to get what we want.”

Her words ring in his mind as if she had just spoken them. He’d believed her at the time, they were both hungry, both ambitious but he was driven by the desire to learn and Ava, she was driven by ego. They were a matching pair until they weren’t.

“The ends justify the means.”

He remembers the tone of her voice as she said it, the look in her eyes. Everything was calculated down to the final detail even her escape from justice. There had been a moment when she picked up that scalpel where he thought she was going to kill him, he saw the glint of malevolence in her and he thought, this is it. This is how it ends.

But it didn’t end, not really.

He’d been fucked up for a while after she’d committed suicide and that was the point. It had been a final fuck you because she knew, no matter what she had done he would still try to save her. It was a form of torture, he’d held her life in his hands, tried to bring her back but she had escaped like a thief in the night. He had gone home and cried that night. Not for her but for everything she had taken away from him. There was cruelty in what she had done and it damn near broke him.

He was lucky you’d been around that night because the desolation, the loss it had all been too much. When he called, you’d come running, you’d taken one look at him, and you had known what he needed. You hadn’t been anything more than a friend at the time, someone to share a drink with at the bar but he trusted you with his thoughts, his feelings. He had been shaking when you’d gotten there, he hadn’t been able to stop. When you had held him, he had fallen to pieces, his face buried in the curve of your shoulder as he clung for you to dear life. You were his anchor in a sea awash with sorrow, the only thing that could bring him back to himself when he felt so lost, he could barely see through the darkness.

“You doing ok?”

Your voice broke through his thoughts as he sat on the bench in front of hospital. You were still as beautiful as the first day he had laid eyes on you, he felt that swell of heat in his chest as you held out a takeout cup of hot chocolate with a gloved hand, the mitten still buttoned to the back of it. He’d bought them for you at a Winter fair last month, they were sunshine yellow with threads of red and orange woven in. Autumnal colours. They reminded him of the first time he kissed you in Millennium Park, the leaves falling from the trees before the winter chill set in.

“Yea.” He answered automatically before taking his drink from your hands. He paused for a moment reconsidering his answer. “Actually no.”

You were the only person he couldn’t lie to. He put on a brave front, but you saw through all the armour he built up between himself and the rest of the world. you always did. His thumb caressed the indentations of the cardboard cup as you sat down along side of him. You nudged his shoulder gently and he took solace in your proximity. You were a safe haven for him. He could say anything to you, and he knew he wouldn’t be judged for it.

“It’s a lot being back here.” He told you, his dark eyebrows furrowing into a frown before he took a sip from his drink. It was perfect two shots of vanilla, whipped cream. He could already feel the warmth of the sugar soothing over his jangling nerves. “It feels like this place is haunted, my dad, Ava, Doctor Downey, it feels like they’re all just in there, rattling around the halls.”

“You have a lot of memories here.” You said softly, your hip pressing lightly against his. “It’s natural to feel a bit overwhelmed.”

He tilted his head to look at you, those brilliant blue eyes meeting yours as his hand came to rest upon your knee.

“There’s a lot of good ones here too.” He informed you. “It’s where I met you. I was in the right place at the right time.”

He wasn’t even supposed to be on shift that day, he’d finished an hour before. But Marcel had been out sick, and the nightshift needed cover and there you were hurling in Ruzek, because he had cut his arm on razor wire while chasing down a suspect. It had been a couple of nights later the two of you had caught up at Molly’s, he’d asked after his handiwork and sparks had flown.

He had been weary after he’d broken up with Ava, he hadn’t been looking for anything that night, but he’d found it. You were easy to talk to and you made him laugh.  His job kept him serious and all the shit with Ava, game playing, the suspicions…

It had been a very long time since he’d actually laughed out loud, he almost didn’t recognise the sound of it. Drinks, turned to dinner, dinner turned to tender nights wrapped up in one other, making love until the sun came up. Before he realised it you had become as important to him as oxygen.

“Kismet.” He said quietly as he recalled the early days.

“You believe it was fate that brought us together?” You asked him, a small smile playing across your lips. His fingers entwined with yours, he could feel the edges of your wedding ring through the material of your glove.

“I think if we hadn’t met here, it would have been another place to another time.” He told you earnestly. “The way I feel for you… I think we were always meant to find each other.”

“I can’t tell you how much I value you Connor, what the two of us have…” You trailed off, your cheeks colouring as you looked into his eyes. “I think we were written in the stars.”

He smiled then and it was like the sun was shining for the first time in the bleakest winter. It warmed you somewhere deep inside because you knew he felt it too.

Love Connor Rhodes? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[bitchesgetriches]

MASTERPOST: Everything You Need to Know about Self-Care

Take care of your body

Why You Should Take a Break: The Importance of Rest and Relaxation

I Think I Need to Go the Emergency Room?

Run With Me if You Want to Save: How Exercising Will Save You Money

Your Yearly Free Medical Care Checklist

Ask the Bitches: Ugh, How Do I Build the Habit of Taking Meds?

Blood Money: Menstrual Products for Surviving Your Period While Poor

On Pulling Weeds and Fighting Back: How (and Why) to Protect Abortion Rights

Ask the Bitches: How Can I Survive in an Apartment with No Heat?

Take care of your mind

Our Master List of 100% Free Mental Health Self-Care Tactics

How Mental Health Affects Your Finances

Ask the Bitches: “How Do I Protect My Own Mental Health While Still Helping Others?”

Kurt Vonnegut’s Galapagos and Your Big Brain

Everything Is Stressful and I’m Dying: How to Survive a Panic Attack

Stop Recommending Therapy Like It’s a Magic Bean That’ll Grow Me a Beanstalk to Neurotypicaltown

Making Decisions Under Stress: The Siren Song of Chocolate Cake

Ask the Bitches: I Know How to Struggle and Fight, but I Don’t Know How to Succeed

Update: I Know How to Struggle and Fight, but I Don’t Know How to Succeed

Ask the Bitches: How Can I Absolve Myself of Financial Guilt Over My Pricey PS4?

The Frugal Introvert’s Guide to the Weekend

Take care of your time

Stop Measuring Your Time in Beyoncé Hours

Help! I’m Procrastinating and I Can’t Get Up!

You Won’t Regret Your Frugal 20s

Actually, Fuck Big Goals

How to Insulate Yourself From Advertisements

I’ve Succeeded at Every New Year’s Resolution I’ve Ever Made. Here’s How.

Romanticizing the Side Hustle: When 1 Job Isn’t Enough

8 Free Time Management Systems To Try in the New Year

My 25 Secrets to Successfully Working from Home with ADHD 

I Am So Over Productivity Porn 

Take care of your career

High School Students Have No Way of Knowing What Career to Choose. Why Do We Make Them Do It Anyway?

The Actually Helpful, Nuanced, Non-Bullshit Way to Choose a Future Career

Woke at Work: How to Inject Your Values into Your Boring, Lame-Ass Job

Are You Working on the Next Fyre Festival?: Identifying a Toxic Workplace

My Secret Weapon for Preparing for Awkward Boss Confrontations

Freelancer, Protect Thyself… With a Fair Contract

I Hate My Job and I Don’t Know How To Leave It: A Confession

A New Job, a New Day, a New Life, and I’m Feeling Good

Season 1, Episode 9: “I’ve Given up on My Dream Career. Where Do I Go From Here?”

Take care of your space

Leaving Home before 18: A Practical Guide for Cast-Offs, Runaways, and Everybody in Between

Ask the Bitches: I Want to Move Out, but I Can’t Afford It. How Bad Would It Be to Take out Student Loans to Cover It?

How to Successfully Work from Home Without Losing Your Goddamn Mind (Or Your Job)

How To Maintain Your Car When You’re Barely Driving It

Take care of your people

How Dafuq Do Couples Share Their Money?

Ask the Bitches: “How Do I Protect My Own Mental Health While Still Helping Others?”

How Can I Tame My Family’s Crazy Gift-Giving Expectations?

Ask the Bitches: I Was Guilted Into Caring for a Sick, Abusive Parent. Now What?

Love in the Time of Coronavirus: How to Protect Your Community and Your Soul from COVID-19

Be Somebody’s Eliza with a Simple Yet Life-Changing Act of Kindness 

Take care of your financial well-being

Ask the Bitches: How Can I Make Myself Financially Secure Before Age 30?

How to Save for Retirement When You Make Less Than $30,000 a Year

Ask the Bitches: Is It Too Late to Get My Financial Shit Together?

Slay Your Financial Vampires

Should Artists Ever Work for Free?

Don’t Spend Money on Shit You Don’t Like, Fool

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Financial Math

Share My Horror at the World’s Worst Debt Visualization

Stop Undervaluing Your Freelance Work, You Darling Fool

[dee-the-red-witch]

The Monthly Roundup

Okay, normally, this is just a free monthly post over on my Patreon, but I figured I should push this out into the wild as well, because this kind of stuff's always needed. Want this, and a bunch of weekly readings from a cursed tarot deck, media reviews, and other content including fiction and the occasional build post? Maybe consider adding me over there as well. Anyways, like I said, it's a monthly roundup- in this case a bigass collection of links and resources for folks interested in pursuing gender transition one way or another. And while a bunch of it is transfem specific and sometimes medical transition specific, because it's stuff I dug up while hunting down things for myself, there's also things in there good for anyone of any gender, and resources for legal/social transition as well. And this is long enough to deserve a cut for once, so...

Hey! What If *I'M* trans?

The Gender Dysphoria Bible- https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en Wondering if you're experiencing Gender Dysphoria? This may be a good place to start. Realize the GDB is slanted largely towards transfem folks, so it doesn't necessarily apply evenly to everyone, but it does cover a lot of ground that folks may identify with.

Trans Medical Resources

DIY HRT- https://diyhrt.cafe/index.php/Main_Page (for legal reasons, I'm going to tell you to at least try to see a licensed physician or endocrinologist before starting to DIY your own hormones, but keep in mind, I'm not your responsible adult, and if you don't choose to listen, that's on you) This is the main, best hub for sourcing and getting info on doing your own hormone therapy. Keep in mind, it's once again slanted towards feminizing methods, because testosterone is still a controlled substance in most of the world (which is bloody fucking stupid, but that's a rant for another time).

GALAP- The Gender Affirming Letter Access Project- https://thegalap.org/ While we may have new WPATH guidelines with the Soc 8 updates that dropped a little bit ago, most providers and insurers are still on outdated requirements that insist on letters from mental health providers for transgender-related care. Which can affect access to surgeries, HRT, and more. GALAP exists to connect folks with providers who'll give those letters,m in some cases free of charge even.

Gynecologist List- https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1Djia_WkrVO3S4jKn6odNwQk7pOcpcL4x00FMNekrb7Q/htmlview This one's more for uterus-owners in general and less trans-specific, but giventhe number of folks with uteri who'd can end up with a hard time finding a willing doctor for some procedures, it's important for everyone. This is a Google database of hundreds of gynecologists, listed by location, willing to perform sterilization procedures with informed consent, without secondary authorization from anyone else. The list is patient-vetted, so your mileage may vary, but for those seeking sterilization and/or hysterectomies as part of their transition it may prove to be invaluable as a resource, because doctors willing to do this work can be few and rare in some areas.

Transfeminine Science- https://transfemscience.org/ Articles, journals and all sorts of researching into, well, just what the name says, transfeminizing science. A lot of medical professionals simply don't have knowledge in the field and are acting on what they learned in med school, which may be way out of date. If they're willing to listen, there's stuff in there to help bring them up to speed. Better yet, it;'s also a great resource to educate yourself so you can advocate for your own care a bit better.

Other Transition resources (legal, social, etc)

NCTE's ID GUIDE- https://transequality.org/documents The National Transgender Center for Equality's guide to changing your legal identity, in a handy format that lets you break it down by state or territory, or even federal documents (United States only, sorry.) and links to the right paperwork to use. Rainbow Passage- https://rainbowpassage.org/ It sucks that we need organizations like this in these times, but I'm glad to see there's people already stepping up to the task. Rainbow Passage is an organization dedicated to helping trans youth get out of trans-hostile states and relocate to safer areas. And if you can, volunteering for them is a great way to help improve safety for trans folk in general.

Seattle Voice Lab- https://www.seattlevoicelab.com/ if you've seen me on social media much lately, then you've seen me talking about this place. This is who I'm (through February and March at least) taking voice lessons through to feminize my own voice more. They also have a bunch of online resources, a discord server, and other help if you need to figure your own vocal chords out a bit better.

Strands For Trans- https://strandsfortrans.org/ Need a haircut, or color or other beauty services you're using for the first time ever as an out trans person and you're not sure where's going to be safe to go? Strands For Trans is the first comprehensive database of Aesthetics businesses for hair and everything, AND THEY VET THE BUSINESSES, to ensure your safety and comfort.

TLC's Life-Planning Guide- http://transgenderlawcenter.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/TLC_Life-Planning-Documents-Transgender.pdf The Transgender Law Center put this guide together specifically for planning end-of-life details. Yes, it's a depressing and tragic thing, but protecting and making sure our identities are still properly preserved after we die is still just as an important part of what we're fighting as anything else is. This guide will help you with establishing a Living Will, controlling hospital visits, and setting up proper Powers of Attorney, so that nothing potentially falls back into the hands of people who might refuse to recognize who you truly are. (In many states, you can designate someone other than your next of kin to take charge of your body when you die (next of kin is defined by law, not by preference). If you need to do that, go to nolo.com and look up article on "[your state] funeral law" to get a rundown on if and how to do this.

Trans Media

The Digital Transgender Archive- https://www.digitaltransgenderarchive.net "The purpose of the Digital Transgender Archive (DTA) is to increase the accessibility of transgender history by providing an online hub for digitized historical materials, born-digital materials, and information on archival holdings throughout the world." (In short, this is one of several free libraries of trans history.)

Totally Trans- https://www.patreon.com/totallytrans/posts Hey, look at that, it's another Patreon! Except, no, wait, it's a podcast! Totally Trans looks at media both historical and modern with a transgendered lens. Sometimes it's silly fun, other times, it's great insights into queer and trans history, and all around it's a great show to add on whatever service you're already getting podcasts through- or you can hit the link above to help support them at the same time for early access.

Trans News, Blogs, and Notes

Erin In The Morning: https://www.erininthemorning.com/ Erin's newsletter runs almost daily these days, mostly with updates regarding trans legislation all around the US. It's a good way to stay up to date, but it can also be a drag these days, largely because it's practically just a constantly expanding list of bad news thanks to the GOP right now.

Stained Glass Woman: https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/ aka Doc Impossible/Zoe. I first discovered her work and writing when WPATH released their new SOC 8 guidelines, because she was one of the few people that could make the thing actually make sense in non-legalese. But I subscribed andkeep following here for regular updates both because she presents a trans coming out narrative that was just a joy to read, and also covers interesting  news in the field of trans medicine from time to time. Definitely worth adding to your feed.

A Self Defense Study Guide for Trans Women and Gender Non-Conforming / Nonbinary AMAB Folks: https://www.silversprocket.net/2021/09/13/a-self-defense-study-guide-for-trans-women-and-gender-non-conforming-nonbinary-amab-folks/

This is, quite honestly, one of the best self-defense guides I've seen for gender-nonconforming folks (and one of the few, to be honest), short of private defense instruction. AND it's available to read in full for free at that link, or in print for just a 5$ donation. Go check it out.

Other general roundups

Grassroots GAC Resources- https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19kSzBLo_hjpiBjHN8tvK73sVHU25NKWjMau2vNl8uuM/edit#gid=778305468 Google spreadsheet of links in general, from therapy help and hrt assistance, to all sorts of other info, some of which are repeats from here, but there's also a bunch of others I haven't had time or opportunity to vet yet.

[possibilistfanfiction]

prompt literally anything footy au

[teeny tiny ch5 teaser]

//

group stage, game 1

'hello,' you say, answering your phone the second coach superion calls. you leave your hotel in ten minutes, so you had scheduled it precisely, to be able to hopefully talk to ava before you leave.

her face is slightly pixelated on screen, but you don't care. 'hello, beatrice,' she says. 'ava is just waking up from a nap, so i thought i'd call and then hand it off.'

'yes,' you say, relieved that, so far, it seems like your meticulously crafted spreadsheet has been working: ava has yet to be left alone at the hospital, and when you have talked — between training and recovery and team meals for you; scans and pain meds and physical therapy and a lot of naps for her — there had always been someone to help hold the phone, to situate her favorite blanket you'd had michael get from your house. to love and comfort her: not as well as you would, not like you desperately yearn to do, but enough so that she knows she's not alone. she's cared for, deeply, and always.

'she had a good day,' coach superion says. 'i think she's just a little worn out. plus, she wanted to nap so she'd be awake for your game.'

'okay. well, that's positive overall.'

'the doctors say she's doing really well. they want to transfer her to the rehab facility soon.'

you ache again: you aren't there. you can't sit with ava in the ambulance; you can't hold her hand; you can't sleep overnight in her new room, just so that she wakes up to someone familiar. to someone she loves. 'i knew she would,' you say around the lump in your throat.

coach superion smiles gently. 'dr. reya will call you tomorrow, she said, to go over all the details. but let me get ava for you, yes? i knew you leave soon.'

you wait, as patiently as possible, for coach superion to go into ava's room and your heart constricts and then releases when you see her in her bed, sitting up slightly with a few pillows propped up behind her, the big back brace they'd put her in still and uncomfortable-looking but doing its important job. her hair is greasy, pulled back into a bun — you make a note that, next time, you should have chanel come in a day earlier to wash it for her; you'll have to shift around some things in the schedule but you know you can make it work — and she looks exhausted, but when mother superion holds the phone up for her, she smiles bravely.'

'hey, susperstar,' she says. 'ready to kick some ass today? set the tone for a masterclass world cup?'

there's no one else around: it's not an interview; there's no need to be modest because ava never has been — about you, especially, and her utmost trust and faith in your as a player, a captain, a person. 'i want three assists,' you admit, and she grins.

'that's my girl.' she laughs and there's a part of you that heals. 'you would want an assist hat trick instead of goals.'

it's fond. you shrug. 'start the tournament off the way i want to finish it, right?'

'fuck yeah,' ava says. 'if you score a goal at any point, though, do a little celebration for me or something, okay? just for the gay drama, if nothing else.'

you roll your eyes, but, 'okay, i will.'

'amazing.'

'i have to go soon.' you frown. 'but coach superion told me you had a good day so far? they feel like you can move to rehab soon?'

'yeah,' ava says. 'i sat up in a chair today for, like, a whole minute.'

you don't care, at all, whether ava is paralyzed, completely or partially; you don't care if she plays football again: you love her; you love her. but you know her goal is to get back on the pitch if she can, so you smile. 'that's incredible, darling.'

she shrugs. 'not quite like you, but it's something. and my hands worked well enough for me to cut a whole steak.'

finally, for the first time in days, you laugh. 'who brought you a steak? for lunch?'

she grins. 'yasmine. isn't it all on your little schedule?'

'well, yes, but not what anyone is bringing.'

'sure, sure. but, anyway, i finally don't feel nauseous, and she asked what i wanted, so, you know. go big or go home, right? and, bea, that steak fucked, okay? took me a little time to cut it but i did it, and it was so good. so worth it.'

'i'm really proud of you,' you say, aching to reach out and touch her. you would if you could.

she blushes. 'i think that's my line, right now.' she sighs. 'okay, go be the best in the world. i'll be watching, so, you know, if you could wipe sweat off your face with the bottom of your jersey when a camera is on you or something, that would make my day.'

you laugh. 'how about i send you a... quality picture... afterward?'

she groans. 'yes please. i need to increase the abs spank bank for when i finally get cleared to masturbate again.'

coach superion clears her throat and ava glances behind the camera.

'my bad,' she says, then looks back at you. 'but seriously, please do.'

'bye, ava.'

she laughs. 'bye, bea. can't wait to see your abs later, one way or another.'

you roll your eyes. 'i love you.'

'yeah, i love you too.'

and, well, if you notch four assists, just to show off a little, and send ava a mirror selfie in just your sports bra and compression shorts — you are certainly starting the tournament exactly how you want to finish it.