#getting vivid flashbacks of 7th grade

[extremelycompressedjpeg]

what fuckin year is this

[granulesofsand]

We dissociate hard when we’re around family — which we are currently (not by the time you see this) — and it includes a heavier denial of our multiplicity. This is like rewinding to before we knew we were a system but after we learned about CDDs.

Getting ready for an appointment that happened over a week ago, never once doubting where I was (not where the appointment was)

Trying to go to class over spring break (and packing my bag and locking the door) despite not being on campus

Walking to school (we haven’t attended this school, or any school in walking distance, since the 7th grade) on a weekend

Always having the date wrong, sometimes by every digit, and blaming it on ADHD

Zoning in without any idea where I am, chalking it up to regular forgetting

Coming to with a mouth full of meat, which makes me queasy to even smell, and feeding it to the dog — didn’t try to excuse it, just thought it happened to everybody

Making a bowl of food without meat, ‘suddenly’ has beef in it — I pass off most blackouts as kinda weird and move on

Having fully immersive conversations with other system members down to the details of the building and the dust in the light, simultaneously believing that everyone there was a person and that all of us were the same person (we couldn’t agree on who, that was the conversation)

Walking a littlie through a vivid flashback, feeling the heat of the fire and smelling the rotting trash, then slamming into front and deciding it was a dream

Thinking I’m not acting myself and then waking up two days later

Got into a fight about whether I had a country accent (with outsiders, and I don’t, but a few of the others do)

Checking in to a fight about whether I was resisting closing the garage door (we might’ve, seems weird though)

Blips of scenes from outside, switching in and out and feeling that this is fine and how everybody remembers ‘boring’ life events

Disoriented mood swings, remembering one moment and not the next as states came and went

Most of these were me, but not all of em, and this was within the last week only. And we were much worse before we were medicated for ADHD, and when the collective opinion was that we did not have amnesia.

We’re going to have to beg professors for extensions for all the switching, and most of them will say no because we aren’t registered with the disability office. They know we have DID, and we’ve filled out the registration form at least three times, but we have to meet with someone in person and we have the luck of a CDD system.

[loveisbraveandwild]

i just had this like weird vivid flashback of being in artclass in 7th grade right after red came out and getting in a fight w 3 ppl at my table who were saying taylor isnt country. like my 13 year old ass sat there for 10 minutes defending taylor being country. i cant believe i forgot about that wow

[looking-beyond-hate]

please read and comment or message me. greatly appreciate opinions!!!

The Eyes of a Self Conscious Introvert

  I'm not going to lie, i had to look up in the dictionary for the words; 'Self-Conscious' and 'Introvert' just to make sure i had the correct terms. im not the most sure person when pouring out my thoughts on paper. i tend to keep most of the words i want to say in a safe upstairs with the key right out of arms reach because i dont want to make a mistake in conversation with anyone. i often stutter on most things i say when i give any second of thought of what to say. my life is tough in this aspect.

 i suppose it all started when i started middle school. my school district in particular grouped together 4 elementary schools into the middle school. not sure if thats how most school districts do it but mine did, anyhow, i learned quickly what 'cliches' were. you couldnt just go up to anyone and befriend them simply by saying hello. i dont wanna sound like it happened immediately, but i felt like i had been kicked to the bottom of the totem poll. which hit me hard as a 13 year old or how ever old i was starting out in the 6th grade. i wasnt weird in elementary school, i had a normal friend base. the only thing i can think of that possibly made us out of place is we all loved the WWE, we had action figures and we would bring them into school and play with them whenever we had the chance. it wasnt a bid deal. but going back to the start of middle school, so many new faces and you didnt know how they were going to act when you said something to them. eventually i started to get picked on in any good nature kid fun. im not bothered by it now and by that i mean, i dont blame my insecurities on that. if anything i believe it taught me how to grow up and grow from it. sure i was bothered by it then but thats besides the point. my most vivid memory of middle school though was feeling bigger than the other kids. i wore a sweater everyday of 7th grade because i felt chubby and i didnt want people using that as an excuse to pick fun at me. if i have carried anything from middle school, it was my body image. which as i type this is complete nonsense because i weigh 140lbs and i goto the gym just about everyday. even back then i wasnt classified as obese or even 'big'. i just wasnt as skinny as the other kids and i always wanted to be.

 in the 8th grade, i stopped wearing sweaters all the time and i felt great. i had my own pride and it was growing, then high school hit and i started back from step 1. it took me until my junior year to reclaim my own personal pride again. i started befriending just about everyone i cared about trying to be friends with and it was great. but even then, i was still shy and kept certain things to myself. i was never 100% open to anyone and then the worst thing happened to me that year. i lost my mother to stage 4 lung cancer, that was the toughest thing i ever had to deal with. in some sort of way though, losing her made me just stop caring, about anything. my grades dropped dramatically, i didnt care what anyone thought about me. basically the end of junior year i didnt care about anything, i was just going to do me and that was it.

 next thing i know is my senior year started and i actually tried in all my classes and i did so much better than i had ever done in any class in prior years. everything was going so right. i was friends with a lot of people and i was open. some might read the word 'open' like any other word but i felt so free to say anything and do anything. i was literally free from my head, my conscious or that little voice in your head that says no. he wasnt there, it was a great feeling. the ability to walk through those hallways with your head up and not a care in the world, i cant explain it enough. eventually though, i had graduated high school and back again it was to step 1. back to being quiet and monitoring everything that would come out of my mouth. i went the summer without a job and just hanging out with friends and it was great, didnt see anyone i didnt know and i didnt have to really care what came out of my mouth but then i started a job at the local Target and i went back to being shy and really careful of what i was saying. i didnt want anyone on my bad side simply because i dont know these people. i dont know how they are going to act if i said something a little out of place. so i kept to myself until i felt comfortable , eventually i did and i came out of my shell and i was friends with just about everyone at that establishment. 

 i believe my problem is i never feel comfortable around people i dont know. i can never be myself and that limits me beyond belief. back to the flashback though, before a year even hit, i quit that job because the work was bullshit for the pay i was receiving. i went a whole year plus before scoring a job with a state university as a summer painter. let me just tell you, the disgusting dorms we had to paint was horrific for only $12/hr. these college kids need their mothers to rub their face in the trash a few times because it was the nastiest, hottest, sweatiest, summer i had ever had. but at the end of the day, " a job is a job" i was saying to myself. that being said, it was a whole new experience with a whole new group of people i wasnt comfortable around. back to step 1 it seems is the story here. i worked there as a temp painter for just under 2 years, and even after all of that time, i never opened up. kept to myself and just listed to my music on my phone for the most part. eventually a decision came to where i either needed to be let go or get switched to the kitchen appliance shop due to funding issues. so i went to the new shop and a whole new experience with a new set of people and i was quiet for a good year before i started opening up. i still work in that same shop and i still monitor everything that comes out of my mouth because im terrified i might sound stupid. there were times i had, and those times still haunt me not to do so again. its really tough trying to be open and not sound like an idiot.

 this issue is terrible for trying to meet new people, for example like at the bar. i go with friends and we have a good time but every time usually i see a incredible girl there and i have absolute no confidence to go and talk to her because my issue gets worse with a few drinks in me. i really start to overthink everything i might say and that is when the stuttering starts. oh boy is the stuttering bad when i start to think of things to say. i can start but it starts to sound like a b-b-beat to a song trying to get the word out. so now i dont even try. it makes sure my relationship stays single for sure. i get so mad at it because of instead of having a potential great conversation, i never take the chance. i see my one friend can talk to 10 girls a night and he always gets a number to continue it later and im just sitting there like "wow this is a pretty average drink for $8", while a twiddle my thumbs waiting to leave because i just dont feel like i fit in. parties were never for me either, at parties i literally just hang out near my friends and follow them around. sure i had fun at times but it was the same outcome every time, "i dont feel like i belong", "when is it 6am so i can head home?". 

 being the way i am, is avoiding answering phone calls from numbers i dont know because i dont know who it is and i dont have anything planned to say, not applying to better job positions because i cant sit through a interview because i dont want to sound like an idiot knowing they are judging me on everything i say. i mean i dont even answer certain Facebook messages from people I KNOW simply because i havent talked to them in while and i cant figure out why the hell they would message me in the first place. I HATE MYSELF. but until i can figure out how to act in public with people i dont know, i will keep calm, quiet, insecure, and carry on. 

[paigehahs]

Friday June 29, 2018

- My roommate, Sydney, moves out tomorrow and my new roommate, Vivi, moves in. It’s gonna be so bittersweet seeing Sydney go, but I’m excited to see what’s in store for Vivi and me. Although I don’t know everything about her, I’m excited to get to know her as the months go on. - Greta Gerwig is directing Litte Women and the cast, so far, is Meryl Streep, Emma Stone, Saorise Ronan, and Timothy Chalamet!!! AHHH! Excited to see it when it’s complete, but confused as to why they’re making ANOTHER version of this movie! There’s been several movies, the 1994 one is The Best One and the one I grew up on. There’s also been a television series on it, so like... why make another one when the 1994 one is practically perfect?! Wynonna Ryder, Kirsten Dunst, Claire Danes, Christian Bale... what more could you want??? Oh, Meryl Streep, yeah, probably the best actress of all time, but Susan Sarandon is The Perfect Marmee!!! Ugh I can’t wait until the movie finally releases so I can write an in depth analysis of the new movie compared to the 1994 movie and the book since I read the whole book back in 8th grade in Mrs. Roberts class LOL Mrs. Roberts class with Kaelin, Brandon, and Josie, I miss those carefree days. - I need to go to bed earlier!!! Really. - BLAKE AND BECCA BLAKE AND BECCA BLAKE AND BECCA!!! Blake told Becca that he’s falling in love with her on The Bachelorette!!! And THEN!!! Becca said that she’s falling in love with him, TOO, but she’s felt that way from the very beginning!!! AHHH! They are the perfect couple, well in my eyes they are. But. UGH! I really hope Becca ends up with Blake because he seems like such a genuine and charming guy. I haven’t found any flaws in him yet, but it’s only week 5 so there’s still some time to find them, but maybe I never will. Oh and also. Garrett, yeah, I think he’s also a good fit for Becca, she seems, REALLY into him! Just watch, it’ll be Blake and Garrett at the very end. - I like Drake’s new song Don’t Matter To Me. - I don’t know what I’m doing for The Fourth of July :( - I’m gonna attend church this weekend. - I need to work more and sleep less!!! - I haven’t talked to my sister in MONTHS :( I miss her. - I always feel guilty when I say no to hanging out or going out with friends, but you know, sometimes I need to be alone and have some time to myself. Although I do love being social, I don’t want to waste my time hanging out with people I barely know. - I’ve been having series of vivid flashbacks like Lake San Antonio, Hume Lake, family dinners at Mexican restaurants, sitting in 7th grade history class with Mr. Arvizu. And although these memories are happy ones, whenever I think about them too long and don’t let them pass, they really begin to affect my mood. - Lonely and it’s summer :) - I’ve been thinking about my capstone and I don’t know what I want to do yet :((( I have 2 months and 20 days to decide. AH! - I spoke to my mom the other night on the phone and she asked if I was okay and I said yeah, but I really wasn't and I wanted to pour out everything I had bottled up inside if me, but I didn't (oh here comes those vivid flashbacks this one was when I used to watch Sagwa, you know, that cartoon cat on PBS well when I used to live in Calabasas, I would watch it all the time at my friends house anyway) and as the result of that, I cried for a good 10 minutes then woke up the next morning with puffy eyes and then I had to go to a work meeting where I felt so embarrassed because my eyes were the size of ping pong balls (metaphorically, okay). But yeah I wanted to tell my mom exactly how I was feeling in the moment, but my roommate was home at the time and I really didn't want her to know my entire business. Half the time I really don’t care who knows my business, but when it comes to my mental well being and my inner thoughts, I sometimes like to keep those hidden and confidential. And I know my mom was aching to know what was stirring inside of me, but I just couldn’t tell her. Not there. But ah, maybe I’ll tell her soon. - But overall, this was not what I expected my college experience to be. Now that I’m officially a senior, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and looking back, I intended college to be the place where you find your people who like the same things as you do where you find your life long friends where you find the love of your life where you find your passions and I really haven’t found all of those things during my time here. And I can partially take the blame for this one because in my underclassmen years I definitely was not the most gregarious and outgoing person. Yeah, I attended functions with my sorority every now and then and I attended frat parties when I was invited or when I could go, but I wasn’t consistently putting myself out there like I should have. Making those friendships, building those connections. It all had to happen from the start so something beautiful could flourish, but I didn’t initiate. I had multiple people in my life at the time who I knew and were close to me and I wanted to get to know better, but did I ever reach out? No. And I never reached out because I was so focused on my grades and making sure my designs look perfect for class... what I’m really trying to say here is that I suck at maintaining friendships with people that mean the most to me. And I think the reason why it’s so difficult for me to keep friendships alive is because of other people in their life who come before me like a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a best friend. Yeah, I find myself almost always coming in second place and half the time when I want to hang out with someone and get to know them, all they want to do is watch vine compilations and shows on Netflix, which is fine, but I want those friendships where we can just hangout and talk about life over coffee or on my living room couch in our pajamas. Where we can discuss our fears and cry together where we can build each other up and discuss our passions and where we need to improve. And what I really want... wow this has gone on a tangent sorry but yeah what I really want are Christian friends. I see my sister with all of her close girl and guy Christian friends and I say to myself I want that. I want what they have. Because it’s kinda hard to explain it, but I want to surround myself with people who have the same values and morals as I do. I want to be friends with people who are interested in my life like I’m interested in theirs. UGGGHahhh this whole friend situation is so difficult for me right now because whenever I have something on my mind or I see something cool, I never really have a group of people to turn to. Yeah, I have my family, but they’re scattered around coast to coast... I need someone, people, really anyone, here and now who is ready to listen. Wow this paragraph made no sense I’m sorry. - Okay so yeah the whole finding the love of your life during college is a myth. And so is college boys are cuter. Because here I am, still single :) And I’m slowly becoming okay with it. These past 3 years, I’ve cried and tweeted and moaned and tweeted and cried and groaned about not being in a relationship or about never having my first kiss... and now that I’m 21, and I think I finally have my head screwed on right, I’m starting to find that I’m at peace with being alone. I can be happy in my singleness. I can find ways to make myself happy until the right guy comes along... And going off of that, I’ve kinda changed the way I perceive/look at guys. Instead of listing off trivial characteristics and attributes, I find myself thinking about what I want to feel like and look like when I’m with them. Yes, I still want a guy that’s still taller than me and wears stylish outfits, but who do I want to be when I’m with him? How do I want our relationship to flow? How do I want to feel when I’m with them? - Welp, this post made no sense whatsoever. Just a wall of my incoherent thoughts. Glad you stuck around to read it all. If you didn’t that’s okay, maybe next time. Because I can 100% tell you there WILL be a next time. And that next time might just be tomorrow. (It probably will be.)

Okay, TTFN, ta ta for now! (I love Tigger!) All the love as always, Paigey :)

[ghostgloss]

in history class we have reached…….the big business era. we’re talking about unions. strikes. child labor. and i know….i just know……it’s coming. it’s coming. we’re going to get to the newsboys strike and my dumb ass who loved newsies (1992) more than i loved my gd SELF between the ages of 12 and 14 is gonna get hit w/ such vivid flashbacks they might actually be physically painful. my teacher is talking, i should be taking notes, but all im hearing is “SUMMER STINKS AND WINTERS WAITING / WELCOME TO NEW YORK / BOY AINT NATURE FASCINATING / WHEN U GOTTA WALK” and all im thinking about is all the spot conlon self-insert fanfic i read in 7th grade