#god I hope tumblr doesn't block this from the tags again

[unknownpisces002]

Bleed me dry, Make me blue

" She was born in limbo, with the, need to be as simple. As her, makers and the made up things she dreamed."

Shuri Udaku x Reader.

Summary

Fairly different from your peers around you? You're labeled as an outcast. For being far too incompetent to complete certain task and request from your leader, K'uk'ulkan.

As well as from your sister, Namora. Who doesn't make it easy, or let you go without knowing that you'll never be as dexterous, predominant, or treasured as she is.

Which you learned how to accept and live with after while. Because being reminded that you're nothing but a powerless individual everyday, who'll never be anything more except the useless being that you are? Tends to brainwash you and cause you to start believing that those assumptions might be true. Until you find yourself being intrigued by a prisoner, that is. And one of royalty from the surface world, who's encounter will leave you questioning everything you believe in–as well as yourself.

Word count: 6.7K

Themes: friends to lovers to enemies, and then lovers again, angst, eventual sexual content later in the series, slight violence, verbal abuse, reader just wants to be accepted and seen for who she is, forbidden romance i guess you could say?, reader is Talokanil, but we can pretend that she's black, because i wasn't 100% sure if they had any black Talokanil people during the movie?, eventual fluff, and etc.

Tag list: @inmyheadimobsessed @vixentheplanet @shurismainbxtch @pinkwright ( this is my first story ever on tumblr so as we grow together and embark on shuri and the readers journey? just let me know if you'd like to be tagged, and i'll be glad to put more names here in the future ❤️ )

Divider by: @firefly-graphics

Author's note

hi, i'm niy! and i'm a new writer who's decided to branch out from wattpad even though i love writing on there? to tap into something new and write about what i've been interested in lately? which is shuri/letitia. this story will be a series with idk how many parts yet? but i've been putting some thought into this for a while before actually typing anything out? so most likely? there will be a decent amount of parts lol. i don't really know if i have anything more to say, except that i hope you all enjoy part one, and if so? please feel free to follow me and things of that nature. as we proceed to experience this journey of shuri and our kind hearted reader together. 🥹

inspiration for this story period, came from jhenè aiko's souled out deluxe album. which you all probably would've noticed had i not said anything? because majority of the upcoming chapters? will feature a song from there and possibly her other albums she has. but this song specifically? really helped me piece everything together and it got my inspiration and ideas flowing.

but now with further ado? let's get onto the story!

There was an uproar occurring within the city of Talokan, as you paced around nervously in a circle, with knitted eyebrows and an accelerated heartbeat. Outside the front of Namor's cave, where you were being watched like a hawk by the guards who blocked the entrance. As you awaited for him to send some kind of message or bless you with his presence himself.

After Namora had showed up into your quarters unannounced, looking highly displeased and angry, like she always does. Whenever she's forced to take time away from her second in command duties? To be a sister to you–which she hates. And you know that she hates it.

Because she reminds you of it every single time, when the two of you are alone. And far away from other ears to hear, like they've done in the past. Which you were honest to God? Quite a bit thankful for. Knowing that she finally decided to belittle and tear down your demeanor in private? Rather than carelessly doing it around others, and ruining your chances at forming normal friendships or acquaintances with other Talokanil people, who were close around your age.

" Y/N?" Your breathing stilled along with your heart, at the sound of your name rolling off Namor's tongue. " K'uk'uklan." You kneeled before him, holding out both your hands in front of you, as you paid him your respects.

" Ba'ax ts'o'ok in meentik ba'al k'aas?" Rising to your feet slowly after he returned the hand gesture, you tried to steady out your ragged breathing. Seeing that your question had gone unanswered, and that Namor's eyes were boring into yours, with a glint of what looked like disappointment in them?

Translation: Have I done something wrong?

" In ch'ujuk ch'ùupalo' yéetel talamilo' ob?" Namor's eyebrow raised slightly, as he tilted his head to the side. Continuing to stare at you intently, as if he could see straight through you. " Are you unhappy here?"

Translation: My sweet troubled child.

" Because if you are unhappy, and not completely satisfied with the way that things are here? You know there are ways, for me to put you out of your misery and discomfort, Indefinidamente."

Translation: Indefinitely.

A tremor of fear rushed throughout your entire body, once the realization of him threatening to kill you? Had settled inside of your crowded up brain, that was full of thoughts and many different scenarios. As you found yourself trying to imagine what he would do to you, and how he would do it? If you were to continue being the failure that Namora had cursed you to be.

" I am not unhappy, K'uk'ulkan." You responded to his question with a shaky tone, after standing and being silent for what felt like forever.

" Bey u, much sa'asik in." Translation: So please forgive me.

" Much sa'asik in tumen decepcionar, in Ajaw." It didn't take long for the warm feel of tears to come rolling down your face. As you fought to maintain eye contact with Namor, despite it being very intense. As he circled around your small body, as if he was a lion stalking his prey, preparing to pounce.

Translation: Please forgive me for disappointing you, my king.

" Shh, shh, it's alright." His hands came in contact with your skin, as he cradled the bottom part of your chin. Using the pads of his thumbs to dry your face free of the tears. That kept spewing down your face uncontrollably-nonstop, like a waterfall. Or a dam that had been broken and left unfixed.

But at a time like this? You couldn't keep your emotions in tact and prevent your evident occurring sadness from showing, like you'd normally do? Whenever you'd failed at completing a special task that Namor requested. After he'd given you a warning not to screw up or disappoint him. 

Which for some odd reason you blamed the God's and Namora for? Seeing that whenever you attempted to try and redeem yourself for all the fuck ups and mistakes you'd make, while trying to be as great and respected as your dear loving and kind big sister? That you always ended up failing.

And digging yourself into an even bigger hole, that not even Namora couldn't save you from, after you had messed up and displeased the king. " Y/N?" Namor called out to you once more. Allowing you to be snapped out of the small trance you were in, as you continued to weep in front of him softly. Hoping that he'd forgive you for what felt like the hundred millionth time.

And spare your life, instead of putting you out of your misery. Despite your small disliking for your home and some of the people who lived here. Who'd make existing and trying to find your place and what was meant for you? So much harder than it already was. When you had an unsupportive and callous older sister. Who already did that regularly, as if she got some sort of satisfaction, out of making you feel like you were nothing more than an ungifted and worthless individual.

That would never amount to anything or ever be anything. Except for the person that you were right now. Which hurt a lot at times, if you were being completely honest? But over time you grew accustomed and numb to her vile words, and derogatory attitude that she'd show towards you.

And despite how deeply it made you want to put yourself out of your own misery, with the way that her and others had treated you? You refused to let her or anyone else who'd defied and depreciated you in the past, and even still now in the present? Push you to the point of no return.

" Y/N, I need you to take the initiative that I know you have? And that I've distilled inside of you? To be more like Namora. And try harder, way more harder than you do now? So you can be prepared and take charge, like everyone else. So when I call out to you in a time of need or if we're at war?"

" That you'll be ready to stand beside me, Attuma and your sister. And assist us in fighting for our people."

Hearing the word try come out of Namor's mouth, caused your tears to come to an abrupt stop. As you struggled to mask away your apparent frustration and anger, that was slowly beginning to settle over your features. Try, you thought to yourself.

He wants you to try, and be more like Namora? When you've given and lost almost all sense, as well as your peace of mind, trying to force yourself to be a person that the universe and God's above? Clearly didn't want you to be. Seeing that whenever you did attempt to follow up with Namor's commands, as a way to try and regain his trust and respect? That you failed.

Every single time.

No matter how hard you pushed yourself, to be more like your sister or Attuma? 

You've always failed nevertheless. But with a forced smile and eyes full of determination? You nodded and told him you would. Which made him release the hold he had on your face, and smile back at you warmly.

After detaching his lips from the top of your forehead. " In wa'alike' u meent nukuch ba'alo'ob, waal mía." He stepped away from you, inching back near the entrance of his cave.

Translation: I believe you will do great things, my child.

" Kux betpajal ichil le ba'ax yaan Máax ku ya'alik yóok'ol a Buka'aj u ba'al tu beel nojoch? Chúuns tu intentndo yéetel Ma'atech a desanimes, tuméen kolnáalen le k'áate' u páajtal juzgar máak waye'."

Translation: And despite what anyone says about your capability of being great? Keep trying and never get discouraged, for I am the only being allowed to judge anyone here."

" Yes, K'uk'ulkan." Kneeling a second time, you repeated the hand gesture from earlier. Bowing your head down slightly before him, as he did the same. Before disappearing back into the entrance of his cave, where he probably was finishing up a wall mural or painting a new one, as he normally would.

But as quickly as the assumption came? It had faltered away much faster. When the special guest, who you're assuming was the one of royalty, from the surface world. That had the entire Talokan city, as well as the people murmuring and gossiping about? Came walking out of the entrance way of the cave, shortly after Namor had entered back inside of it.

As she was followed behind closely by the guards, who shot you a look of distaste, that clearly meant get lost. And not to watch where they were going, which of course? You ignored and instead went with your instincts, that always led you to get into trouble at times.

But how could you not? After being blessed by the sight of an actual being from the surface. Who was cloaked and wearing a white gown, which you recognized from seeing earlier. When Namora had came into your quarters, and stated that Namor had wanted to see you. After you failed to complete your mission he'd sent you out on.

When a U.S ship had came and tried to steal away vibranium, that was detected outside of the Talokan city walls. And had it not been for Namora coming to save you in time, after a bullet had wounded your side? While you were attempting to fight off one of the U.S agents, who had caught you off guard and snuck up behind you? When you were attempting to fight off another one?

Then maybe you wouldn't have been alive. And of course? Namora wasn't going to let you live without knowing that she'd been the one to save your life. But her doing that and holding it over your head? Was already something you expected she'd do. And despite how annoying it was that she felt the need to bring it up, whenever the two of you talked since the situation occurred?

Apart of you felt grateful to her nonetheless, that she had saved your life. Instead of leaving you to die, like you assumed she would? With how mean and unloving she always acts towards you.

The walk down the hall of the cave was quiet and a bit nerve wracking. As you crept slowly and stealthily, trying your hardest not to look too suspicious if you were caught. Or seen by anyone who'd realize you were somewhere you weren't supposed to be during the moment.

As you approached one of the cells, that had a guard on the outside. Who held onto a staff tightly, as she stood up straight. With her shoulders upright, facing her head forward. In the direction of the entrance, which had allowed you to catch a quick glimpse of the well familiar slightly curled hair, from the female you had seen earlier.

Along with the shaved sides she had, as well as the white gown that was embroidered with teal colored beads. That Namor had made specifically for her, as you watched her from the shadows in awe, from where you were currently standing, with your body slightly crouched as a way to hide yourself from being seen.

Which let you know right away that you were in the correct place.

Seeing how many guards were on patrol. And standing on the outside and inside, which also confirmed that she must've been from a line of great royalty. With how closely her and the other individual, who she was standing beside. And having what looked like an intense or secretive discussion? Were being watched.

" Ba'ax juntéen! Ba'ax ka beetik husmeando ti' le nu'ukulil le áaktuno'? Xeen tu xíik, Wa informaré k'uj. uk' ulkan." One of the guards who stood outside the entrance shouted at you, with her hand pointed in your direction.

Translation: Hey! What are you doing snooping around this part of the cave? Leave at once, or I'll report to K'uk'ulkan.

" I-i was sent down here by my sister, Namora." You spit out quickly, with your hands raised in the air in surrender.

" Yaanten permiso utia'al u yaantal waye'." Taking small steps forward you inched closer towards the guard.

Keeping your eyes locked on hers, as a way to show that you were being honest. Despite the fact that in actuality? You weren't. But of course she'd never know that. And you prayed to the God's up above? That she'd never find out either, once she stepped aside and granted you full access to enter inside of the cell.

Translation: I have permission to be here.

That honestly in your opinion? Wasn't really like one. Nor did it give off an imprisonment vibe, with how the other guards that were located inside? Were offering fruit to both the Princess and the smaller female beside her. While being kind and doing small gestures that you would have never expected them to do, being that they were supposed to be prisoners after all.

But due to the Princess's status of royalty? You assumed that Namor had ordered the guards to treat them both with kindness. And not to bring any harm unto either one of them. Which still felt quite odd and unusual? Especially for him to do? With all the rumors you'd heard about the person standing to the left of the Princess.

Who'd apparently created the machine, that had detected the vibranium, that was located outside the Talokan city walls. " Oh shit, behind you!" The smaller girl shouted frantically.

Alerting the Princess of your presence, as you approached the both of them slowly. With wide eyes full of curiosity and astonishment. And a bit of amusement, as well? At the sight of how afraid the girl who shouted had looked, once you made your way directly in front of both of them.

With a blank expression settled over your features, and crossed arms. That soon unfolded and went down by your sides. As you extended out your right arm, with your hand held out.

" Hi." You said slowly, gazing upwards at the Princess. " I'm, Y/N."

" And you must be the scientist, who created the machine that detected our vibranium?" You turned your head in her direction next, feeling a small smile tug at the corners of your lips. At the sight of how much more afraid she looked now? Than she did just a moment ago. When you were beginning to approach them, after entering inside the cell.

" I made that machine for class man, and I had no idea that the U.S were going to use it to detect vibranium." She held her hands up in surrender, stepping behind the Princess shortly after making that statement.

" I-it was just a class project–"

" And I didn't mean to upset anybody." Continuing to blabber on about her innocence and not knowing that the machine she built, was to detect vibranium? You found yourself letting out a light chuckle at how frantic she'd gotten.

Before extending your hand out to the both of them once more. " I'm not angry." You told her, speaking in a light voice.

" Namor might be angry? But I'm not angry at you."

" And I'm sorry that you're in this situation. Because it's fairly obvious that you're innocent and knew nothing about the machine, being used by the U.S? But I'm not here to bring any harm unto either of you."

" Then why are you here?" The princess muttered out questioningly, raising her eyebrows at you in suspicion.

" To meet and greet you properly." You answered quickly, halting in your footsteps when she stepped back away from you, when she had felt that you were getting far too close.

" Meet me?" She let out a chuckle next, tilting her head towards the side.

" Yes." You nodded your head up and down, continuing to keep your eyes locked with hers.

" I've never met anyone from the surface world before, well? I have actually. But it was a U.S soldier who almost killed me. So, I guess that doesn't really count as actually meeting one and greeting them properly? Like how I'm trying to greet the two of you."

" But if my presence is making the two of you uncomfortable? I can leave." Turning on your heels, you let out a deep sigh. Feeling foolish all of a sudden for coming down here, and thinking that the two of them would be delighted to see you?

When you were nothing but a stranger, who lived in a place that neither of them would be able to survive in. With a completely different appearance than they had as well, but even still? You had hoped that they'd be a bit more welcoming.

Seeing how they weren't so uptight, with the guards who were currently still inside, before you approached them. " No..wait." You paused immediately upon hearing that, with your backside still facing the two of them.

" I am, Princess Shuri. Of Wakanda." She spoke aloud. " Daughter of Queen Ramonda, and King T'Chaka."

" It's a pleasure to meet you, your highness." You turned back around facing her, proceeding to bow and greet her properly, like you were taught to do by Namor. When being in front of the presence of royalty.

" And it's also a pleasure to meet you too." You glanced over at the scientist next, hoping that she'd tell you her name. And quit being so afraid as if you'd hurt her? When in reality? All that you wanted to do was get to know them.

And possibly learn more about their life on the surface world? Before Namor decided to do whatever it was that he'd do with them. " I'm, Riri." She finally revealed her name, after a long awkward moment of silence.

" Riri Williams."

" Nice to meet you, Miss.Williams." Another smile settled over your face, as you clasped your hands together nervously, and averted your focus back towards the Princess. Who was already eyeing you intently, as if she was in deep thought about something.

" So.." You trailed off, taking a seat against the floor. " What's Wakanda like?"

" Because I've heard Namor mention, that the air there? Is pristine. And how the water is nothing compared to the water, here in our ocean."

" It's beautiful." The princess spoke quietly, smiling a bit to herself. At the thought of her homeland and the people who lived there. " Beautiful and peaceful."

" But your home here in Talokan? Is quite beautiful too." Her gaze returned to your face, when a small, cheerful laugh–had erupted from the back part of your throat. Which puzzled her and Riri for a moment? As they wondered what is was, that you found so funny.

When Talokan, was just as beautiful and full of joyful individuals? Like Wakanda.

" Have I said something that's amused you?" Shuri questioned, with confusion settled across her features. " No, and yes." You answered, taking this time to pick with the bottom part of your mouth mask, that had covered up your mouth and nose.

With water being on the inside, that allowed you to breathe properly. 

" You don't think that Talokan is beautiful?" There was a hint of amusement and disbelief in Shuri's tone. As she watched you closely, looking as if she were trying to read you. And figure out why you had given the response you did.

" I do." You nodded. " But some of the people here? Aren't quite as joyous and kind as you think." Mumbling the last part of your words so lowly, that both the Princess and scientists had glanced at one another afterwards. As a way to see if either of them had heard what you said.

Made you laugh for what felt like the thousandth time, as you rose to your feet again slowly. And smiled cheekily at the both of them, before repeating yourself. Once you saw how stressed they both had looked, while trying to decipher what you had muttered out moments ago.

" I love being from Talokan, and living underwater. With the fish and whales, and all other beings that exists here. But..sometimes? It gets a bit overwhelming. Trying to exist inside a place, where you'll never be able to fit in or be accepted? Regardless of how much you try to make other's, see you as an equal."

Opening up about your troubles to strangers? Had never been something you'd think you'd ever do. With how much other Talokanil people your age? Had judged you off the mistakes you've made. While trying to be as great as Namora, who never had to try too hard, to be respected or treated fairly.

Unlike you, on the other hand? Who went through hell and back, just to have someone smile at you. Or acknowledge your existence, on the days that you walked alongside of your sister, with eyes full of hope and admiration? That you could be as gifted as she was some day.

And be the one that Namor called out to, for help and to be a listening ear. But of course? You knew that those dreams of being as great as Namora, Attuma, or any other guard here? Would never be an actual reality.

Because you were ungifted. And far too incompetent, to be as great as any of them were.

" I know how that feels." Riri glanced up at you, with eyes full of sincerity. " To want to be accepted and fit in with others? To the point that you work yourself to death and jump over mountains, just to please them? When all they'll do is reject you and laugh in the end."

" But you wanna know what helped me get through that?"

" Yes, please." You nodded eagerly, with eyes full of desperation.

" I said fuck them, and chose to do what it was that I wanted. Because I realized that being like others? Was lame as hell and unoriginal. When I could just be in my own lane. While doing something that made me genuinely happy? Instead of forcing myself to be someone? I knew that I wasn't."

Her words of advice were kind, as she flashed you a warm smile. Before placing her hand atop your shoulder hesitantly. Causing fresh tears to rush to the brim of your eyelids. As you threw your arms around her tightly. Which had caught both her and the Princess completely off guard.

But she returned the gesture despite that, making your heart pump with happiness. For what felt like the first time in forever. Being that for once in such a long time? You had been seen and understood for who you were, without having to do anything to show them that you were worthy of receiving their kindness and respect.

" Thank you." You sniffled, stepping back from the hug after a while. With your hands wiping away at the tears, that were falling continuously down your cheeks. 

" So, so much."

" No problem." She patted your shoulder once more, offering you the sleeve of the robe she wore, to clean your face. Causing you to smile and shake your head, declining. Before you shifted your focus back towards the Princess.

Feeling your stomach go into knots, when the corners of her lips curved upwards. And she smiled at you. Allowing her perfect, pearly white teeth to be seen. And the sharpness of her jaw to pop out, and catch your attention. Sending you shying away from her gaze and inching near the exit of the cave, so you could leave.

And be gone, before Namora or even worse? Namor showed up unexpectedly.

" It was a pleasure meeting the two of you." Turning around a final time, to face them and wave goodbye. You couldn't help but avert your gaze back to Shuri. Who had already been watching you as you were proceeding to leave.

With an unreadable look in her eyes, that had left you wondering what she might've been thinking about? But you figured that there was a possibility she could be homesick? Since she had been taken and brought into a place, full of people and things, that she wasn't so familiar with.

" Same to you, entle." Shuri was the first to speak back, a surge of confidence and amusement filling her body. As she watched your brows knit together in confusion, while you tried to figure out what it was, that she had said to you meant.

Translation: Beautiful.

" And perhaps maybe one day, if you're allowed and granted access to leave? Then you can come to Wakanda and visit. So I can show you just how beautiful and pristine, the air is there."

Nodding on that note, you said a quick 'yes', with a voice full of excitement. Hoping and praying to the God's, that Namor would allow you to visit her? And experience being in another place, that was far more different and clearly advanced than here? Seeing how the black beads on the bracelet, that was wrapped around the Princess's wrist? Began to glow a light blue color.

Which you're assuming she hadn't noticed? With how closely she was eyeing you while smiling uncontrollably, with a smile so infectious and warm? That you found yourself returning the expression. And soon your cheeks began to grow sore, with how widely you had spread your lips, to mirror her exact grin.

" The two of you, might as well go ahead and fuck each other. Instead of doing the shit with your eyes." Riri let out an exasperated sigh, plopping down to take a seat against the cot that was behind her.

Fuck? You thought to yourself with a frown. Growing confused at what the smaller girl had meant. As you wondered why the Princess had began shooting her a glare, with a face full of what looked like embarrassment?

" Please excuse Miss.Williams, vulgar language." Shuri turned back around to face you, speaking in an apologetic tone. " She has a tendency of being very..blunt? And talking without thinking about what comes out of her mouth."

" If I'm being honest? I have no idea what she said even means, but I have to get going now. And I hope to see the two of you again soon? If Namor grants me access to leave, that is. Oh, and Riri?"

Your eyes glanced over your shoulder, watching as she sat up from her slouched position and raised an eyebrow questioningly. " I hope Namor forgives you, and allows you to go home."

" I hope he allows the both of you, to be reunited with your families. Because the two of you are far too kind, to be held here? When neither of you have done anything wrong."

And with that, you walked away. After waving goodbye a final time. Feeling much more lighter and happy? After being in their presence and experiencing their kindhearted energy. Which was something you were going to miss, very much.

Had Namor decided to get rid of them, like he'd been telling Namora he would do? If the Princess hadn't complied with whatever wishes he had. For Riri, the scientist.

You're awoken out of your slumber, by a rough hand being pushed against your shoulder. Which causes your body to shoot up, and your eyes to open on automatic. As you rubbed your hands against them lightly, trying to get used to the bright lighting that was now on in your quarters. Causing you to squint slightly, and rise your body upwards from it's curled position.

When you made out Namora and Namor's faces, being not too far away from your bed. As looks of anger and dissatisfaction? Were evident in their intense gaze upon you.

" Jump'éel guardia kíinsa'abij le áak'aba' tuméen juntúul intruso." Namora approached the side of your bed, urging you to stand. Without caring about how rough she was handling you. As you struggled to catch your balance, after she'd shoved you onto your knees. Allowing you to be directly in front of Namor.

Translation: A guard was killed this evening by an intruder.

Who had stooped down to meet your level, as he cupped your chin tightly. And gave it a light squeeze, making you squeeze your eyes shut in fear of what he'd do to you? After he opened his mouth and spoke the next words.

" Ba'ax seguramente k'a'abéet a yaantal jump'éel extraña inclinación? Ka lela' p'u'ujul, in waal."

 Translation: You surely must have a strange penchant? When it comes to upsetting me, my child."

" And before you deny being anywhere near the caves where the cells are, this evening? It has already been told to me? That you were there. So please, Y/N? Make this easy for all of us. And most importantly? Yourself. And tell me exactly why, you were seen conversing with the Princess and the scientist? In the first place."

Each of his words hit you like a bullet, with how harshly he was speaking. All while keeping a neutral like facial expression present, which honestly? Had to be one of the things that you feared about him the most. The way he could be threatening your life? And not look angry or frustrated.

Unlike Namora? Who allowed all of her rage she felt right now? To be showcased off. So you'd be able to know that she was pissed at you, and of course? Disappointed–as always.

" In ajawo', Sa'asik in, Béet." You pleaded, turning your head away in discomfort, when his grip on your chin had tightened.

" I was only curious and I wanted to meet them." You added.

Translation: My king, please forgive me.

" I knew nothing about the Wakandan's plan, to come and retrieve them. In ts'aiktech in jach t'aan, I knew nothing about it!"

Translation: I swear to you.

" I see." Namor finally spoke, as he released the grip he had on your chin. Which made you collapse backwards and fall against the cool floor. As you scooted away from him near your bedside. With hot tears rolling down your cheeks, and ragged, labored breathing. 

" And the air in Wakanda? Was very pristine." Pausing in his footsteps, he snapped his finger loudly. Making Namora rush towards his side, eager to comply with whatever task, he was proceeding to ask of her.

" Beetik a querida kiik utia'al sáamal." Namor's eyes peered down at you from the side, as you continued to cry uncontrollably. Cradling the bottom part of your chin, as your heart rate began to accelerate, upon hearing his words.

Translation: Prepare your loving sister for tomorrow.

The demanding request left both you and Namora, staring up at him in confusion. While he on the other hand, kept his same neutral like expression present. Pointing over at you as he eyed Namora closely, and waited for her to come to your side like he'd requested.

" Beetik u ba'ax, in Ajaw?" The confusion in Namora's voice was evident, as she approached your side slowly. Despite the fact that you could tell, she wanted nothing but to grab you up by the chin herself? And scold you for being so foolish and careless, as if you sneaking down to the caves, to talk to the prisoners? Wouldn't have been discovered.

Translation: Prepare her for what, my king?

" Y/N, mentioned her distaste for living in Talokan to the Princess." Namor announced what you had mentioned to Shuri and Riri aloud, the statement making Namora crane her neck. And snap her head down in your direction, which allowed you to almost feel how much her anger was beginning to radiate from off of her body.

" I-i never said I hated it? I-i just said th–"

" Chan tonta, Bix a atreves t'aan k'aas u k wotoch!" Namora raised her voice, as she gripped the bottom of your chin, forcing you to face her. Without caring about the fact that the gesture was starting to hurt you.

Translation: You foolish little girl, how dare you speak badly of our home!

" Teech jump'éel su'utalil!" Her shouting continued, and her choice of words had caused your chest to ache. As you widened your eyes and stilled your breathing. At the sound of a choked out sob erupting from your mouth, following light sniffing.

Translation: You are a disgrace!

" N-namora, please." Seeing your sister this angry with you? Was a sight you hadn't witnessed in a while. But just hearing her say that you were a disgrace? While looking at you as if she was ashamed to even be related to you? Had caused what little bit of hope you had of the two of you rekindling your bond? Shatter into millions of pieces, like broken glass from a mirror that had been cracked.

" Enough!" Finally speaking again, after allowing Namora to tear you apart with her words? Namor had motioned her back beside him, causing her to let go of your chin, all while adding a bit of force as she did so. Which made your head fly back and bump into the edge of your bed, leaving a throbbing sensation present on the left side of your head.

" Y/N?" 

" Y-yes, K'uk'ulkan?" You stammered out nervously, rising up to your feet with your chest puffed out. As you awaited for him to say what he wanted from you. " Come." He curved his index finger, beckoning for you to walk towards him.

And you did so slowly, with your hands clasped together tightly, as they shook and began sweating a bit? After you finally made your way in front of him, and his intense, intimidating eyes? Were now gazing down at you.

" Tomorrow? We will be going to Wakanda for revenge." He started off slowly, causing you to swallow hardly, and just nod. " And the Queen and scientist? Will be killed."

" Which will leave the Princess, with no choice but to be crowned Queen. And that will put us one step closer? To getting Wakanda to form an alliance with us, so we can go to war with the surface world."

" And I know what you're thinking, my child." A deep chuckle left his lips, as he began circling you like he'd done earlier. " You're thinking that the Princess won't comply?"

" And that she'll refuse my offer? Because the death of her sweet, loving Mother. Am I correct, Y/N?"

Shrugging your shoulders, you muttered out ' I'm not sure' incoherently. Feeling what little of a heart you had left? Break for Shuri. At the mention of Namor, admitting that he was preparing to murder her Mother on tomorrow, after they had just been reunited this evening.

" Ah, I see." His circling around you stopped abruptly, making you glance up at him with glossy eyes and raised brows. While Namora stood off towards the side, continuing to stare at you with nothing but disgust and disappointment, and if you weren't mistaken?

A look of hate.

" I can sense your pity for the Princess, Y/N. And I know that this is a lot of information to take in? And that you're probably angry with me, for preparing our soldiers to tear down the home, in which your new found friend lives? But I warned her Mother, before their people came and killed one of ours."

" So whatever pity or sadness you feel for them? Lose it!" Flinching from his tone as he shouted at you? You dropped your head in shame, struggling to keep back your sobs when he opened his mouth and spoke his last words, before proceeding to leave from out of your quarters.

" People from the surface world? Only care about themselves, Y/N. And as pure hearted as you are? I apologize in advance for what I'm about to request of you. But just know? That you refusing my command? Will leave me with no choice but to kill you."

There it was again, you thought to yourself. As you reflected on how your body had felt? When he had threatened to kill you earlier today, with no hint of remorse in his tone as he did it. And as you looked over at Namora, she didn't seem the slightest bit phased about Namor's threat to end your life either.

And that there? Had stung, and before you knew it? You were crumbling right in front of both of them. Not caring about how weak you may have looked, as you wept uncontrollably. With loud, painful, sobs escaping from out your mouth.

" Tomorrow when we go to Wakanda? You will be accompanying us. And when we get there? Your job is to find the Princess, and convince her to accept my offer to form an alliance with our people. So that Wakanda and us Talokanils, can go to war with the surface world together."

" And I'm also aware, that after I kill her Mother and the scientist? That she will not be too elated to have you in her presence. And maybe? She'll have you thrown into a cell where you'll be held as a prisoner? But despite that possibility? Your job is to convince her to join me."

" Ka wa leti' u niega?" You choked on your words, staring up at him with anger. That you weren't afraid to mask away, like you'd normally do. When he had taken it upon himself to make you feel in the exact same way, that Namora would make you feel.

Which was worthless. And like your feelings about things? Didn't matter.

Translation: And if she refuses?

" Then you sing to her, and you make her agree." He stated sternly, referring to your siren abilities, that helped you perform hypnosis. And place someone under a trance, that would beckon them to you, and allow you to be in complete control of them.

" Do I make myself clear?" Inching near the exit of your room, he paused in his footsteps. Refusing to leave, to go and alert the soldiers of their task for tomorrow. Until you spoke up and answered him.

" Yes, K'uk'ulkan." You said quietly, drying at your eyes with the palm of your hands.

" I understand."

Inching back towards your bed, when he remained silent. And continued to stand in your doorway, you shot Namora a look of hurt. Hoping that she'd feel guilty for not having your back, in the way that you tried to have hers–despite your lack to be as dexterous as she was?

But you knew that deep down? She didn't care. And that she'd rather watch you fail and be punished, than to assist you in being better at the things you weren't as good at.

" Oh, and Y/N?" Namor said your name lowly, as he was halfway out of your quarters.

" Yes, K'uk'ulkan?"

" You mentioned that you wished to be granted access to visit Wakanda? So despite your mission? I hope you take the initiative to enjoy your time away from Talokan. Because after one week time has passes, and I return ready to conquer the surface world? You'll never be able to leave these waters again."

" So enjoy your stay, In ch'ujuk ch'úupalo' yéetel talamilo'ob." He laughed menacingly, turning around to face you fully with a look of amusement present.

Translation: My sweet troubled child.

" And please do not fail to disappoint me, Y/N. Because if you do? Then you'll leave me with no choice, but to put you out of your misery. Like you've so desperately been wanting for the past year."

[detectivebambam]

For the choosing violence thing.

I curious about your thoughts on 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24, and 25

(Your thoughts make my day tbh)

lol i gotchu pinky

the character everyone gets wrong: Dan. she's not a badass. i mean she is, but she's not. she's a scared little girl who had to raise herself and has no idea what she's doing at any given time and i love her for it

why andrew would never top or bottom: actually he does both, and tends to enjoy it. kind of an agressive top but Neil likes it, and sometimes likes to follow orders when he bottoms 🫣 i think they do anything and everything with each other. Neil could be dominant or submissive at any given time, which gives Andrew space to learn about what he actually enjoys. He finds that as long as it involves Neil, he doesn't mind

worst tumblr take I've seen: that Andrew was a misogynist because he doesn't like being manipulated, and "manipulation is a woman's weapon" like how is THAT not misogynistic be so real

why did you block that annoying person?: kept saying that Kevin abused Riko as much as Riko abused Kevin. don't know how far they had to reach into the depths of their asshole to find that one, i just hope they didn't get stuck

i don't have discord

which ship fans are the most annoying: y'all are going to absolutely murder me for this but kevaaron. 1) where did it come from? 2) what's wrong with Katie?? 3) no hate ship what u want but also, i can ship what i want? and it's fine it's literally fine

what character did you start to hate because of fanon: i hate to say it but Thea. i adored her when I read the books originally, but after 4 years of exclusively fanon content i didn't like her. but i did a reread recently and adore her again so it's all good

common fandom opinion everyone is wrong about: Andrew being a sex god. Neil is his first consensual sexual partner. like yeah he knows how to suck dick like a dying man, which he learned in juvie (when he was 13-16?) but in terms of sex? he doesn't know what he's doing and he's probably really scared and nervous

worst part of canon: kevin and thea turning their daughter into a mini Raven 😔

worst part of fanon: Renee erasure 😔😔

fandom related words you've filtered: as of currently? anything tsc related because I don't have access to it yet and people aren't tagging properly. but I also have Rinee (rixo x renee) blocked because,,, what do you actually mean

unpopular character you like and why people should like them: Aaron. yeah he's an asshole and a little homophobic but he was raised that way and he's getting better

worst blorboification: if this means what i think it means, fucking riko. like wdym "he serves cunt" he needs to serve time

answered prev

answered prev

you can't understand why this is popular: kevaaron, any riko ship, riko himself, ichirou x neil, andreil breaking up in fics ?

there should be more of this: fic: oral fixation. sexual or non sexual idc but let's Freud these bitches. fanart: ANDREW WITH LONG HAIR PLS PLS PLS

it's criminal that y'all have been sleeping on: STUART HATFORD. LITERALLY NEXT TO WYMACK ON THE FATHER FIGURE SCALE. I LOVE HIM

you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like: i don't feel guilt I'm Presbyterian

part of canon you found boring: anytime they were in class like wdym

part of canon you think is overhyped: this one is going to get me in trouble so i wanna start off by saying that yes, Riko was a victim of abuse. I'm not disputing that at all. but the part where he got beat by Tetsuji and "was more blood and bruise than skin", while being horrible, was also because of Kevin leaving due to Riko breaking his hand. Tetsuji lost one of his biggest investments because of Riko's petty ego

fav part of canon that everyone ignores: Stuart Hatford man

ship you've unwillingly come around to: Kandreil lol. i didn't like it at first but idk the more fanfic i see I'm like yeah that could be cute

topic that brings up the most rancid discourse: picture this, if you will: Nora Sakavic says something about her own damn characters. yeah that's all

common fandom complaint you're sick of hearing: "it's poorly written" it's not. if you can get over the first chapter of The Raven King, the rest is actually written very well and it's so so beautiful and depicts traumatized characters in a way I haven't seen before that is very refreshing

ty for the ask pinky ily

[misrepresentedmorallygrey]

PROPAGANDA

Jean Vicquemare

He's a minor character with a surprising amount of depth when u look into it!! But he is also a Cop (derogatory) and I feel a lot of people take the few things we know about him and twist it into an entirely different entity separate from the source material. I think he's an interesting character and should also be catapulted into the sun <3

This could not be more of a divisive character in this Fandom, which is hilarious considering he doesn't even have that much screen time. He is either seen as the devil incarnate or a poor little baby who's so sad! Being a fan of him means it's just best to block his tag here on Tumblr otherwise you'll tear your hair out at how frustratingly people misrepresent his purpose in the story.

Dark Pit

Most of Dark Pit's mischaracterization comes from the fact that he's in SSBU- everyone assumes he's like every other nintendo clone; evil and just a 'bad' version of the original. But he's not!! Even the characters in his own game think he's just cruel by nature, when he's never actually done anything wrong. He's a dick, yes, but wouldn't you be a bit pissy if you kept getting dragged into a war you want no part in, called a name crafted specifically to belittle your own existence?

Dark Pit was created when Pit, the original, was on a mission to destroy a mirror that would copy anything that stood before it, since the villians were using it to create an army. It's incredibly important to note that it does NOT create 'evil' versions or even just copy the body and leave the personality at home. It's a 1:1 conversion. Unfortunately, the villians also knew Pit would destroy the mirror quite directly, standing in front of it (or more accurately, flying kicking towards it) and triggering the copy to be made. It was shattered midway through creation, creating Dark Pit- something the villians were hoping would happen, as Pit is the last angel to exist and they REAAAALLY want their own angel.

Immediately everyone assumes Dark Pit is just evil by default- even the villian is gloating about her new minion, but he immediately rejects that and punches the villian and helps you in the fight. He steals her power and flies away after, but its important to realize that Dark Pit could've just allied with the villians for the same result, and instead chose to be alone. Sure, he's kinda a dick to Pit, but he hasn't done anything outright evil. Just took a dead god's power in order to fly and left.

Cue the next mission where Palutena calls Dark Pit 'twisted' and 'inherently corrupt' like ma'am where??? Hes just an asshole cmon, you would be too if your birth parent is a reflective piece of glass. You go off on a mission to try and KILL him, and he obviously defends himself- once again, he's done nothing outright wrong. He's rude and aggressive, yes, but he literally doesn't want ANY part of all this war between gods shit, and here you are killing him for merely existing. During the final battle of the mission Dark Pit tells Pit that he is his reflection, and that they're the same person- Dark Pit is just more than willing to say the things Pit refuses to admit to himself.

AND HE'S RIGHT. Dark Pit believes the gods are selfish, are using Pit as a tool for their own gain, and that the world would be better off without them since all they ever seem to do is cause war and destruction. If you pay attention to how Pit reacts to the world around him, he DOES share these beliefs but instead of acting on them, he just buries it. Pit will even snap at the gods about half-way through the game, telling them outright that its THEIR war that is destroying the planet and that THEY'RE all at fault. Dark Pit is NOT an evil clone; he's an inversion. Everything Pit hides away, he wears on his sleeve, and interestingly, everything Pit openly is, DARK PIT STILL IS TOO. He, just like Pit, hides it away instead of admiting it.

After the fight Dark Pit runs away, and shows up mainly as an ally to Pit going forward. The game mentions further how kinda fucked up Dark Pit's whole situation is- if Pit's soul is removed from his body, Dark Pit just DOESN'T EXIST during that time. If Pit dies, Dark Pit dies, and he has no control over it. He never even gets his own name- its either Dark Pit, or his nickname of 'Pit two' (Pitto). If Pit ever attacks Dark Pit and tries to kill him, there's little Dark Pit could ever really do; In the game he'll defend himself and try and kill you, but at that point he's dead either way. His life is barely his own.

Worst part is, SSBU confirms Dark Pit allied with Viridi after the events of Kid Icarus Uprising. I cannot STRESS how horrible that is for his characterization so far. Viridi is the god of nature and hates humanity for even existing, with her first appearance being her dropping NUKES onto towns and cities to purge humanity. And Dark Pit now works as a commander under her. Either Viridi has to mellow out REAL damn fast and stop nuking medieval humans, or they accidentally wrote Dark Pit to be a Human Murderer (we specifically know Viridi sends her commanders to kill off anyone who survives her nature nukes). Really hope this stays in the realm of 'not canon' because holy shit there's so many better options to pick from than the 'little girl god with a hit list and a factory of bombs'.

(Not even sure WHY Dark Pit, who thinks gods are selfish and use angels like tools, would want to ally with a god. Yes, he can't fly without a god's help, but even then why ally with the most vindictive and murder-happy god that isn't Hades??? Poor dude really just needs a break from all the gods to sort out who he is and to start building his own life independently from Pit)

[chlorine-and-daisies]

i see people with internet friends who gush about each other's work and write collabs and exchange ideas, and it's beautiful

people who have found their own voice and unique takes on characters

and i enjoy it on one level but on another level it's just like

i'm not good enough to deserve to be let into that

sometimes it hurts more to know that you're not a bad writer, you're just a mediocre one.

like i usually don't get hate or even constructive criticism (which btw i would welcome) on my writing, i've received one or two very sweet comments that mean the world to me

but generally i haven't gotten much of a response in terms of hits/kudos/comments, my stuff just flies under the radar usually, which suggests that a. i need to improve my summaries and tags and b. i'm just not standing out in this huge fandom

there is so much good and unique writing out there, and i don't have super original ideas, i tend to write things that are pretty simple and short and not super original

and also obviously my mostly canon compliant oneshots won't be able to get attention next to longer aus

and i'm young with lots of time to grow comparing myself to experienced writers but god

i often leave long comments on people's work and make recommendations and analyze what they're doing, i try to support others and hope that the friendships will come but it feels like i'm just here alone

because again i can't stand out

and don't get me started on that boop day which was fun but i gave Way Way More than i received and it felt like a popularity contest in a way

i wish i had better ideas, i wish i could write something more touching

i wish i was likable

i have enough knowledge to recognize good writing but not enough skill to write something good myself

i'm so painfully jealous

even in a large fandom the world is so small and so lonely

it's a self fulfilling cycle where the lack of reception translates into lack of motivation and second-guessing myself and writer's block

i finally scheduled a consultation with student health at my college today, something i should have done years ago

and as i take steps to improve my mental health i hope that i'll start to be able to interact with others in healthier ways and stop comparing myself so much

but for the time being it's just so hard, it's so hard

it's ironic how i joined this fandom because of my connection to aziraphale, someone who is also socially awkward and absorbed in special interests, but it ended up making me feel worse about those traits in myself

bc he is an angel and doesn't care about being cringy, but i am unfortunately human

my partner says i should take a break from tumblr if it's no longer fun for me

i probably should

[fimproda]

Author talks: (Negative) Opinions and reviews

(Grab some snacks and a drink. This is a chunky boi.)

This post was a long time coming.

I wrote a version of what you're about to read back in, like, 2019, on my Italian Wattpad profile, after years spent dealing with ungrateful authors and being called rude, wrong, and whatever negative adjective you can and cannot think of.

It's time to address this topic yet again, in English, here on Tumblr, hoping to reach as many people as possible and, the writing gods willing, change a mind or two.

The straw that broke the camel's back (or rather, my back) was a series of TikTok videos, made by a bunch of Italian booktokers, either in support or in opposition to another booktoker who had dared to review a pretty popular book that had made its rounds on Wattpad before being self-published on Amazon.

It so happened that I, for one, knew the author from our shared time on Wattpad, and I also knew the book, which wasn't good back then and is not any better now; moreover, I saw the video review and I agreed with the booktoker's every word, especially with the way this girl kept an even, calm, almost professional tone and justified every critique.

So you can imagine my surprise when a veritable swarm of detractors began stitching this booktoker's video, saying that her opinions were wrong, that she was bullying the author, and yadda yadda yadda; thankfully, some other booktokers were on her side, but this also meant that this back-and-forth shitstorm went on for days, and maybe it hasn't even ended yet.

I need to add that the author blocked this poor girl on every social media, and the book's most passionate readers (the ones that the author brought over from Wattpad and the author's friends/family, I assume) flocked to the booktoker's other accounts to keep blaming and disgracing her.

All this over a negative, yes, but overall objective and respectful review.

And it doesn't end here.

Many other straws continued to destroy the camel's back.

For instance, some accounts I follow for fandom content on Instagram or even here on Tumblr, who for the most part are not authors themselves, make a point to regularly remind people not to tag authors in their negative reviews of those authors' books.

On the other side of the coin, I've seen some authors, especially on TikTok, flip their shit over a "negative" review (and I should add even more quotes around the word negative, to be honest). Some even stated that a 3 out of 5 stars rating is a negative one, saying, "What would you think if a person called you 3/5 cute?!"

I don't know about them, or about you, but I would preen like a peacock if someone called me 3/5 cute.

(It'd be different if they said I was 3/10 cute, of course, but we can't really expect basic maths from some people, can we?)

Back in my Wattpad days, I've even stumbled upon someone who said that, seeing as all content on Wattpad is free (which is not even true nowadays, but whatever), no one has any right to leave a negative review. @zoyalannister can vouch for this; in fact, I believe it was her who sent me a screenshot of that comment, and we're still shocked about it years later.

I'm sure that some authors among you will understand how utterly pissed I get when I read, hear about, or get otherwise involved with such things.

So, with all this in mind, let's clear up a few things, shall we?

None of us is writing because we've got a gun to our head. We're writing, posting, interacting with readers, and everything related to this, because we want to.

In wanting this, we make our works public.

Some websites like AO3 allow us to choose if we'd like to "protect" our stories by keeping them out of reach of the unregistered users, but for the most part, everyone can search for our works, read them, and comment on them.

These are the terms and conditions. And yes, nobody really reads the terms and conditions before accepting them, but this doesn't give us a right to bitch about the consequences when they come a' knockin' at our door, does it?

Fuck around and find out, am I right?

Granted, there's comment and comment. If I, reader, come to you, author, and start insulting you, your family, your cow, and the interior designer who remodeled your kitchen, you have every right to call me all kinds of names (I wouldn't do that if I were the author, as it would mean debasing myself to the reader's level, but anyway) and slam-dunk my opinion into the trash.

(Yes, this happened to me. I've been insulted. One girl went as far as offering to, and I quote, "shit on your head, so that you close that sewer of a mouth". Context: I had commented on a story—not this girl's story: she was another reader, the author actually agreed with me—saying that I thought something was cacophonic; in Italian, this word sounds very similar to the verb cagare, which, indeed, means "to shit".)

Same thing if I, reader, come to you, author, and correct your grammar when there's absolutely no reason for me to do so, because your grammar is already correct.

(This happened to me, too. Many, many times. I know I've got an impeccable grammar in Italian; I even scored third in my age category at the nationwide Italian language Olympics when I wasn't even sixteen years old. I've been reading since I was, like, three or four, and "seriously" writing since I was thirteen. But people didn't like when I corrected their grammar, so they felt the need to come and correct mine. One memorable occasion was when a girl declared, in all seriousness, that the second singular person of the imperative of the verb fare must be always written as fa', with the apostrophe, and that my writing it as fai was wrong, because that was the second singular person of the indicative of fare. She ignored both that 1. the indicative and the imperative are the same exact thing in most cases, and 2. fa' and fai are the exact same thing as well, with the apostrophe representing the elision of the final i.)

Or, same as above, but exchanging grammar for, I don't know, a historical event, or a certain piece of information, or that kind of stuff in general, when you author were in the right and it's my sources that were wrong.

(An author, who was in university at the time, told me that she didn't know what inflation and spending power were, and so she hadn't accounted for them in her story. This happened after I mentioned those things when I pointed to her that you wouldn't hire an assassin in the 1960s with the same amount of money you would use nowadays. If I recall correctly, that author was majoring in a STEM field.)

(As a counterpoint, I was positive, for a long-ass time, that the hip bones were in fact a hip bone—meaning, that I should use the singular word, cresta iliaca, instead of the plural version, creste iliache. A reader corrected me on this, and I'm still thanking her today.)

You understand what I mean, right? Don't let me insult your intelligence by spoon-feeding you the meaning of my words.

But.

But.

If I, reader, come to you, author, and either correct your grammar when it's wrong, or a certain piece of information you chose to include in your story that is wrong, or whatever I decide to comment that could be perceived as negative—

—but I justify my point, cite my sources, maybe even linking them if possible, and keep my opinion contextualized and objective, you must at the very least lend me an ear and listen to what I have to say.

Never, in my nine years of roaming the fandom part of the Internet, have I ever written a comment on a fic saying something that I just pulled out of my ass, without checking first if there was any merit to my words. Never.

@zoyalannister can also vouch for this, as she's known me for eight of those nine years and witnessed many, if not all, of my altercations with my fellow Wattpad authors over my opinion of their story (which, allow me to clarify, they had literally asked me for—but again, even if they hadn't, their works were public and open for anyone to comment on, and I still would've been in the right).

Alas, it appears that many authors lack the self-awareness and self-criticism I believe are needed if you want to try your hand at writing, especially if you want to do it professionally.

And, good God, so do many readers.

Why, oh, why do some readers (some non-authors) go around proselitizing that people shouldn't tag authors in their negative reviews?!

Are they close personal friends with an author who doesn't like to be tagged in negative reviews of their books? Are they being paid to push this agenda? Do they have such a terrible relationship with criticism in every way, shape, or form that they feel like it's okay to get mad on someone else's behalf and dictate other people's actions?

These people like to say—parrot, is more like it—that negative reviews either don't benefit anyone, which is such an enormous pile of bullshit that I don't even know where to start dismembering it, or could only benefit the reader, essentially working as a way to help someone decide whether or not to read and/or buy that particular book.

I think negative reviews benefit both the author and the reader.

As an author, particularly as a Wattpad/AO3 author (but, if I understand correctly, self-published authors on Amazon can edit the digital version of their book with more or less the same ease), I cherish each and every correction comes my way, precisely because I can edit my text right away and, by doing that, make it better.

Aside from "small" corrections with regard to grammar or some other objective aspect of my fics, good, chunky, lenghty, justified, contextualized negative reviews in general help me rework my stories and make them better, both retroactively and for the future.

What I just said also applies to the flip side of the coin, when it's me, as a reader, writing the negative review.

Instead, with regards to reading negative reviews, even though I myself never look at reviews when deciding whether or not to add something to my already gargantuan TBR list, I can see why some people would rather read the reviews and survey the ratings before making that choice.

I should warn you, though, if you're one of these people, that very few reviews, be they positive or negative, can be taken at face value.

(In what follows, I will be talking almost exclusively about negative reviews, but everything I say can be applied to positive ones, as well.)

In my twenty-two years of age, I've come to the unfortunate conclusion that not everyone can truly read, and even fewer people can truly write, so the first problem you could run into is this: the person behind the review either understood fuck-all about the book they just read, or they did understand something but cannot put their opinion into words, or they didn't understand the book and cannot put their opinion into words.

The second problem is that some negative reviews are written with a specific purpose in mind, which is entertainment in some cases, clout in some others. Yet again, @zoyalannister knows how many times I barged into our Whatsapp chat to tell her that a SJM detractor on TikTok straight-up invented some stuff to rant about, subsequently getting views and likes and comments and general activity on their account.

Moral of the story: don't believe everything you see or hear about on the Internet, and always, always form your own opinion based on facts, not hearsay.

(Funnily enough, this is how I got hooked on SJM: I wanted to form my own opinion about her books. The rest is history.)

And, moral of the whole story:

Readers: as long as your opinion is not a personal insult to the author or even threatens to spill into that territory, and as long as the author didn't explicitly say that they don't want to be tagged in a negative review, don't ever restrain yourself from writing one and/or tagging the author, whatever other people might tell you.

Readers: stop speaking on authors' behalf. Not every single one of us will lose their mind if confronted with a negative review. Some of us are searching for just that. Let it be, as it should, an individual decision.

Readers: contrary to popular belief, you do not need to suggest an alternative route for all the things you comment negatively on. You do not need to sweeten the pill for the author with the proverbial spoonful of sugar. You do, however, need to explain the reasoning behind everything you say (or at least that's my opinion).

Readers: I will never block, slander, or insult you if you write me a negative review, even if you don't use the same courtesy towards me and your opinion is not justified in any way. In that case, I will only get mad and refute your every point, as I believe is my right to do.

Authors: don't be a bitch and listen to your readers, if they're making sense. Don't try to convince yourself that they're not making sense when they are.

Authors: look at your works with a judging eye. Be your first critic, be your own critic.

Authors: when facing a negative review, don't hide behind half-assed explanations or apologies or, God forbid, suspension of disbelief. If you fucked up, you fucked up. Cherish the reader who told you that, who maybe even told you how to fix it.

Authors: some reviews have to be destructive before they can be constructive. If there's mold on your bathroom ceiling, you don't just paint over it: you remove the mold first, and then paint over it.

Readers and authors: conduct yourself with dignity. Keep your cool, be level-headed, turn on your brain. And always, always, tell the truth.

Aaand I'm done.

A huge thank you (and congratulations) to everyone who got this far. Unfortunately, I'm everything but laconic.

I'd like to hear your thoughs about all this!

[electroniccollectiondonut]

Monthly Rec Lists in 2024: January

Gonna be real with yall, I did not read a lot of fic this month. I was too busy reading nonfiction about the poles. But I did read enough to put together a rec list, so here are some fics I read and enjoyed in January! Again, I've tagged author tumblrs if I could find them, if not I've just linked their ao3.

100 Years of Drowning/ (So what's a Few More?) by Cheshyr

Dream doesn't want to burden Hob with the details of his captivity, but that's fine. He can work around the things that still hurt. Or. He can until Hob wants to shower together. (aka, Dream is an idiot who tries to ignore his triggers until they cannot be ignored anymore)

Other James (Fitzjames) by verybadhedgehog (@verybadhedgehog)

Neptune had had a lovely walk and a fuss from lots of people and a big drink and a wee ham sandwich. He had done particularly well out of it all. And the thing was, Neptune and James Fitzjames had got on very well. Dogs are very good judges of character, and Francis explicitly lent his trust to Neptune in such matters. So he wouldn’t delete Other James from his phone just yet.

upon your shore, sure as i can say by sunsorbit (@sunsorbit)

It is then that Dream of the Endless opens his eyes again, and Lucienne realizes, the book still firm in both her hands and never having left her grasp, her gaze still unmoving on his face, that she has stopped reading because the page has ended. In the middle of a sentence too. It is but a collection of a short few seconds which are left in the silence of the unfinished sentence and the interrupted daydream, and then the corners of his mouth lift, just slightly. “Am I distracting you, Lucienne?” Meeting under the lavish trees of Fiddler's Green for a shared moment of rest, Lucienne reads, and Lord Morpheus... listens.

Three's a Crowd by Lookingkindofdumb (@lookingkindofdumb)

Three times people thought Constance was cheating on Jacques with d'Artagnan and one time they realised they were all dating each other.

Five times Francis Crozier took care of James Ross, and one time it was the other way around by 5Runner5

“Oh, God,” James groaned. “Am I dead? I think I’m dead.” It was fortunate that the midshipmen’s berth was in the gunroom below the water line, for at least that meant there was no sunlight to contend with down here. “You aren’t dead,” came Francis’s voice, damnably smug and annoyingly close at hand. “You just smell that way.” James groaned again and tried to block out the noise with his pillow.

Dr. Hardass & Professor Sweetheart by crimandclove

After transferring to University College London, an outsider learns one of the university's funniest secrets. Alternately Dr. Brick Wall and Professor Peppy

four months, a wedding, and a funeral by wildcard_47 (@wildcard47)

In the old days, a ship's marriage was supposed to bring good luck to all aboard. On this particular voyage, the marriage of Francis Crozier and James Fitzjames may not bring the amount of luck the expedition had originally hoped. For the prompt: "With ships again iced in and their antagonistic relationship causing unrest with the crew, it falls to Crozier and Fitzjames to suck it up and bless the voyage with their ship marriage."

[fashionablyfyrdraaca]

Pretty sure amateur-stims and i-love-girlcock are the same person as this one [now banned] user who was in the precure tag over the summer losing their mind about how an underage gifmaker had blocked them and then raged again because apparently after they made that post several other content creators had also blocked them too, yelling about that the Precure fandom was "full of puritans" while they themself had an incredibly NSFW lolicon/futanari blog. Full-on meltdown [all tagged with #precure!] saying that gifmakers and artists contribute nothing and are useless and not needed yet they're "treated like gods" on tumblr.

amateur-stims literally said gifmakers were "useless fucks" which is exactly what that other user had said, so they're probably just angry their blog got banned over the pedo art and got triggered because they got called out for stealing gifs from blogs that probably had their original blog blocked. Their behavior is way too aggressive to just be lashing at Precure gifmakers for no reason so I think it's the same person, and if they truly hate Precure content creators like they claim to then they should stop obsessively scrounging through Precure blogs to steal gifs from all y'all talented gifmakers smh

this whole thing is so wild to me lmao. thank you for giving me more context on this person, i do appreciate it

it's just like... what did they think they would find when going into a community dedicated to a children's show? i would wager many of the tumblr fans of the show are underage or if they're not (like myself as i am 26 and i hope it is obvious on my page that i am), they're probably not people who want to see filth like that. it's just.... the precure fandom has always been strongly against that type of content as long as i have been in it. also, if someone who doesn't want to see those things blocks you, you should just move on. i'm sure there are many people who have blocked me because i post random stuff they don't want to see and that's perfectly fine. for example, i've blocked someone who wanted to post game of thrones without tagging it so i could blacklist it and it legit had nothing to do with that person's character. i thought they were a nice person, i just didn't want to see that show and following them wasn't conducive to that. blocking doesn't have to be a personal insult. if this person is taking it so personally that people don't want to see their sexual fetish content without consent, they really need to take a step back from the internet for a while. like that's not normal or healthy.

having an active sexuality/desire is completely fine, but forcing it on people without their consent isn't. that's not what mature adults do. if a child says they are uncomfortable with your sexual talk/behaviours, harassing them isn't the right thing to do.

also, i want to make it clear that i do not support lolicon and i do view it as pedophilia. i hope i have never come across as someone who is okay with it.

as for gifmakers being useless... like, just make your own gifs then lmao! if it is so easy, just make your own! i don't get why they feel the need to steal if it isn't a big deal to make your own. it just comes across as laziness. like i get that they don't think we should complain because we don't own the show and gifmaking isn't that hard, but yet they are still too lazy to make their own. put your money where your mouth is.

and again, i don't think any gifmaker out there wants to be treated like a god or like a king. we just want basic respect for our hobby. we don't want our gifs stolen and reposted elsewhere or insulted. it's not a tough ask in my opinion.

and yeah, it is really weird for them to be going after precure gifmakers. like i've always had great interactions with other precure fans. i really don't get it. i don't know. maybe they're just a perverted weirdo lmao. there's many of those in this world.

anyway thank you for your support of us! we really do appreciate it. every person that leaves kind comments or tells us things like what you have said makes all the difference and does help keep us gifmakers on this site in a time when so many of my fellow users have given up and left.

[fluffomatic]

Very agree with that anon has said, but there's still something left we have to discuss and as community should rn.

We all have our preferences in tickling, if we want it to be kinky or not and blah, since i've seen all the problems this community had with the harrasment there is one thing that I want to highlight from all that. All this started because they always believed that the sfw spectrum includes things that for some may be suggestive (such as torture, traps, ROPES). And there's nothing wrong with you guys thinking that I don't care anymore anyone can think whatever they want meanwhile they're not being offensive, but something that bothers me is how y'all react to all those callouts: "if you don't like it, don't look or just block us", that sentence at this point it's just disturbing as heck for people with specific preferences, tumblr has the worst blocking system because when you block someone it's to never see them again in your account, and oh surprise!, IT KEEPS APPEARING!!!

I only come with this idea so that we all calm down once and for all, why don't y'all tag ur content as it should have done? not everyone likes torture and being tickled silly while u're being restrained by stocks guys!.

i'm so tired of keep saying this that i'm not having a good time in this community anymore, i feel left out and like the weirdo, the goddamn weirdo who doesn't like tickling version most popular and questionable of sfw, be responsible for what you do for the love of god

The harassment in the community has definitely gotten out of hand. I don't agree with the idea that being restrained while being tickled is always suggestive though I can understand why people would have an issue with it. And yeah tumblr needs to fix the blocking system but from what I see the filtering works pretty well. That's why my artwork and such has a ton of tags that can be filtered out. I'm sorry you're having a bad time in the community. Honestly being such a big name in the community has me worried anout getting these kinds of asks. A lot of people look up to me and want me to know what to say but I'm afraid I don't really have a good way to fix this. I hope things get better in the community and I wish you the best. I want this community to get better

[sarcasticfina]

I posted 2,616 times in 2022

18 posts created (1%)

2,598 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@absentlyabbie

@fullmetalfisting

@sarah-yyy

@holypiercednipplesbatman

I tagged 2,606 of my posts in 2022

#queue queue ca choo - 2,532 posts

#[text] - 746 posts

#series: 911 - 307 posts

#tv: 911 - 293 posts

#[twitter] - 229 posts

#otp - 225 posts

#eddie diaz - 181 posts

#evan buckley - 180 posts

#light of my life - 134 posts

#buddie - 107 posts

Longest Tag: 105 characters

#tho i find indigenous to be a very large umbrella depending on what country of origin we're talking about

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I wanted to congratulate you on quitting! I know it’s a scary thing to go through but you will be so much happier in the long run! And I really hope your next job is one you love 💛

ref post

thank you! <3

this is 5 months late, but i just wanted to let everyone know that quitting really was the best thing i've ever done. the sheer amount of relief i had at leaving an incredibly toxic working environment that was just filled with a lot of lateral violence and an abusive manager. i sometimes miss my coworkers and the clients, but how i felt 5 months ago, not just about my job but about life in general, is vastly different to how i feel today.

i found a wonderful job that i love, that i'm good at, and that has just embraced me whole-heartedly. it's supportive, the work is fulfilling, and my team of coworkers and management are all fantastic. it helps too that i got a $5 raise, which means that i can comfortably pay my bills, create a safety cushion, and send money to my sister who has been dealing with a lot of medical issues.

my head is clearer and i'm feeling so, so good about the transition. it was scary as hell to walk away from a job i'd been doing for 4.5 years but it was so worth it and i'm so grateful that i did.

20 notes - Posted July 21, 2022

#4

fic: i'm not yours (but i can be for a night) category: harry potter ship: hermione granger/james potter rating: explicit/nc-17 prompt: pictured above tags: marauders!era; friends with benefits; first time word count:  9,806

preview:

Hermione reached an elbow over and bumped his. "What did you want to ask me?"

"Uh…" A flush filled James' face. "It's kinda personal. I probably shouldn't."

Hermione's eyes narrowed curiously. "How personal?"

"Just… I guess I was wondering if I was the only one in our year that hasn't… That's still…" He glanced at her and then away. "Everyone I know has already had, uh…"

"Sex?" Hermione couldn't help a beat of surprise. "You haven't then?"

"Have you?" he blurted nervously.

Hermione watched the pink fusing his cheeks turn even darker. "No."

read more: ao3 ↳ please try to leave a comment / kudos!

23 notes - Posted August 31, 2022

#3

i've been on tumblr for like a decade or so now, and for the most part that's been a good experience. i stick to my fandoms and my mutuals and i write my fic. every once in a while, discourse wanders my way and i get to decide to engage or not. i have no interest in engaging currently. the very idea of arguing with people over something we either love or hate in opposing fashion sounds and is exhausting. so, i fully invite anyone who just doesn't like or agree with me to block me. it doesn't have to be deep. we like/think/want/feel different things and there's this nifty option to never see/hear from each other again that can only improve both of our lives. so like... do that. ✌️

36 notes - Posted August 27, 2022

#2

finally quit a job that was sucking the life out of me

62 notes - Posted February 25, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

this whole time i thought blorbo was another fandom ya’ll were in and not a term of endearment for characters you like. that word scrapes the soft tissue of my brain. it makes me think of minions and my feral little mind wants to ritualistically sacrifice it to a pagan god.

180 notes - Posted August 31, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[shinxistudio]

Studio Thoughts 2024MAR01

I've been thinking a lot since first finding out about the MidJourney deal Tumblr is taking. I've been wanting to make this post for just as long. (This sounds ominous, but it's not.) (Cut for a giant wall of text. Massive rambling.)

I don't know what to do. I've made an infinite number of new accounts across all the different social media I can find. I had to make a sheet to keep track of all the different websites I've joined. The thought of trying to post and maintain 20 accounts minimum to cover myself depending on where people flee to is overwhelming. I'm already averse to updating the accounts I have now. It takes too damn long as it is. (I need to set up PostyBird for the love of god. It doesn't work on a lot of mainstream sites, though.)

I want to share my art, but I don't want that to mean that I'm giving up my rights to it so some fuck can shove it into his dataset to create images and act like they're superior to something made by a real human and the human experience. I've opted out of the 3rd-party sharing option that they gave us, but I know that doesn't mean anything without proof. If they were giving data over that they shouldn't have from private conversations and password-locked blogs, they're not going to give a shit if someone toggled a setting. The whole issue with these datasets is the lack of consent to begin with, so why would they stop Now. I don't even know why they plan to pay Tumblr for the data in the first place because how much of it has already been scraped before they decided to tie it up in a bow for them?

I hate that people just parrot "Nightshade and Glaze!!" as if they're not open-source software that the tech bros can reverse engineer with the available coding. (As well as being easy to remove/get around in the first place.) Not to mention the stupid amount of processing power to use them, if they even work on the type of art you're putting into it in the first place. Even if they worked for your art, they're not accessible to everyone. That's not fair to artists who don't have or can't afford the highest-end PC parts. And even if they Worked to prevent AI it would only be a matter of time before they Didn't, like the constant fight UBlock is having with blocking YouTube's new coding to prevent ad blockers.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of feeling that the modern internet hellscape is just not meant for artists because the algorithms expect you to post as much as possible in order to get seen. I'm tired of artists finding a place to settle only to feel the need to move again and again because they just want their work and themselves to be respected. I miss old DeviantART when it was still a giant hub and community for artists instead of the shell it is today. I still see a lot of people still posting when I check in every now and then.

I don't know what the answer is, because I know data scraping for generative models isn't going away. I can only hope that it cannibalizes itself into hot garbage by taking in generated images that weren't tagged as AI. I would love it if all the wild shit people post on here could make the dataset completely unusable.

At the moment it looks like the only thing I can do is continue to watermark my art heavily and post low-quality versions. I've never had a large enough following to worry about art theft, but I can't control an all-consuming bot scraping everything.

I've been toying with the idea of making my own website and it's seeming more and more appealing. I've seen that you can make your own Patreon-adjacent subscription setup and have a pay-to-access feature. I don't know if that could help prevent scraping or if there are methods to get around that, too. Can bots scrape Patreon itself?

I'll need to update my LinkTree with all the other hundreds of sites that I'm on I guess. I was hoping that this long-ass post would help me come to some sort of conclusion or peace. I think I just gave myself more work to do. I also feel bad that my only other text post here is so hopeful, only to be slapped down immediately in this one.

TLDR: I'm gonna keep posting but like, I'm Not Gonna Like It. MidJourney Sucks. Tech Bros Suck. Ya'll can eat my entire ass.

[cardentist]

I’m relatively new to the marble hornets fandom, but one thing I’ve noticed is that people don’t seem to realize just How affected jay was (by the operator and by the investigation in general) and how early on it started. which I really think is relevant when people point out some of jay’s apparent Poor Decision Making. this is Definitely because of how deemphasized it is in the show itself (Especially season 1) but you really can get a feel for it when you go digging.

I’ve talked before about how it’s Very Likely that jay already had some form of ptsd by the start of the series (Link) but what gives us the clearest picture of jay’s health is actually his twitter account. (Link)  If you’ve never taken the time to read it before then I Highly suggest scrolling down to the bottom and working your way through, it’s a surprisingly fast read! but for the purposes of this post I made a Highlight Reel of really anything I saw that was relevant to either jay’s mental health, his physical health, or his obsession with the case that you can see in full here: (Link)

I’ll be using the most Pressing screenshots from that post to make my point here, but you really do get the full Effect scrolling through.

putting a readmore down to hopefully not spam people with screenshots ljksfad Warning for spoilers, talk of chronic illness, eating issues, difficulty with unreality, and other various mental and physical health issues

just as a note: this is going to have a Lot of focus on season 1 because this is where a lot of jay’s issues are established. I definitely have a Lot to say about the other two seasons but I won’t report on every instance where he’s paranoid or sick, I’ll be focusing more on the extremes!

looking through the whole series, videos tweets and all, it becomes Very apparent that jay has a Consistent pattern of behavior where he fixates on the investigation (and the people affected by it) to the detriment of his own health and safety. from the more mundane (digging through hundreds of hours worth of footage to exhaustion) to the more Extreme (following alex into the abandoned building Knowing he’s dangerous and that he’s probably going to hurt him because he Might find some answers).

(which on that note, while it’s definitely due in no small part to the influence of the operator and the extreme stress of the situation, you could pretty easily interpret jay with adhd, hyperfixating on research and video making.)

while I knew I’d find that going in, but I wasn’t expecting it to be hammered in so Quickly. this was posted the Second Day after his twitter had gone up

this continues, with jay occasionally mentioning how tired he is from compiling entries, feeling disorganized, and not being able to sleep in between him actively posting about sifting through tapes on a near daily basis. Then in july he starts actively getting Sick

104 fever, not well enough to work for Three Days. and there’s no telling how long it’d been building up without him noticing until then. he mentions being sick throughout august for long stretches of time (at least a solid week once), and it only gets worse from there

And something of note here, while he Does mention when he’s feeling particularly awful sometimes, for the most part he mentions his health when it affects his ability to go through and post about the tapes. there’s no telling just how frequently he was sick or exhausted when it Wasn’t worth mentioning. He only mentioned the results of the doctor’s visit a week later after he was specifically asked about it

and it’s Very apparent that whatever’s going on is Pretty Severe 

it’s after this point that he largely stops giving us specific updates on how sick he feels, but it’s also still very clear that he is sick. he mentions how out of it he is or how Bad a week’s been after he goes long stretches without updates. and he’s still going to the doctors in November

that leaves me with the impression that things haven’t improved, he’s just stopped mentioning it. he tried getting help for it with no luck, the sickness didn’t stop so there wasn’t much more he could do about it besides adapt. while I’m certain that his health would fluctuate over the course of the show, I don’t believe he stopped getting sick. tim’s sickness never really went away, and jay was bad enough by the end of the series that he was having seizures like he was (there’s really no telling if that was his first or if it was just the first time it’d been Caught).

so from here on out it’s a safe guess that everything jay does is with backdrop of sickness and exhaustion.

then, of course, this is where jay starts being more open about his paranoia (which has certainly been an undercurrent for a while now)

also of note: this isn’t the first time he’s mentioned having a difficult time trying to keep things straight in his head and it won’t be the last. he was already starting to doubt his memories and his senses back in 2009.

moreover, paranoia and fear (and possibly fixation) about the situation has him holling up in his house, to the point that he’s running out of food. how long has this been an issue? and if it’s an issue in 2009, then just how bad is it going to be when he’s running himself in and out of hotels too afraid to stay in one location? how often has he been forgetting to eat while burying himself in tapes and fear?

whether it’s from the operator, his slipping memory, the results of fixating on his work for as long as he has, his frequent sickness, the paranoia, or any combination therein, we can add brain fog to the list

and again, a case for jay’s fixation on finding answer. he wakes up in his house with no memory of how he got there, confused and in pain, digs through the footage on his camera, and has the entry up the same day. this was the point where he’d visited brian’s house again, only to be teleported around and meet the operator face to face. he says in the entry that he’s never going back to the house again, that he’s done with the case, but well.

much further down the timeline jay would say that he had no idea what he was doing with his life before he started down this rabbit hole, that he was miserable and directionless and alone. He didn’t know what he would do with himself when all of this was over, he just knew that while he was taking the case on he was at least doing Something. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that this was always true, that part of his obsession with it was tied to feeling absolutely nothing for his life without it.

and sure enough, a week later and we get the idea that his paranoia is only getting worse, followed by him breaking and going back to search through the footage.

He posts more about his paranoia in february, but it’s in march that he’s scared out of his house by totheark only to have his apartment burned down. he only seems to learn about this march 24th, and he uploads the entry with the news footage on the 25th

while it’s true that he seemed to have taken a break after that upload, he’s back again on 4th with the cryptic text message. It’s between then and the 18th that he’d start his Long tradition of hotel hopping.

the final entry for season 1 is up the next day. We can’t know for sure exactly how truthful jay was when he said he was feeling better in entry 26, operator sickness tends to fluctuate with exposure just like any other mental illness. what we Can say is that jay got exactly 10 days of quiet between his apartment burning down and alex contacting him again, and after he was contacted he was afraid enough to start hotel hopping.

if 10 days is what jay merrick describes as a break, then my god. the implication that in an entire year jay merrick hadn't gone a 10 day stretch without looking at the tapes is, Something.  

this is where things take a real shift, both in the narrative and in jay’s tweeting patterns! this is the period where jay went radio silent working with alex for 7 months, only to forget everything. the only insight we have on how he was doing at this point is what came before, and the tapes he’d uncover in season 2. my best educated guess is to say that he is doing Not Great.

it’s of course after the operator wiped his and jessica’s memories that he starts up tweeting again, he doesn’t remember why he stopped at this point after all. but he’s also far less talkative between entries. in the beginning especially we’d Hear when he was sick, when he wasn’t sleeping, because he’d update frequently enough that he felt the need to explain when he wasn’t able to. this change is most likely due both in part to not feeling safe enough to be as talkative publically anymore, and on his focus on figuring out what’s going on.

that’s not to say that we don’t get Anything from this time period however.

we get quite a lot of talk about lack of sleep, exhaustion, etc throughout the beginning of the year. insomnia and jay staying up late to work on entries is to be expected, but this is the first time that we hear about jay Oversleeping. I’d say he’s long overdue for it considering how much he’s gone through at this point (and for how long), though it’s Also notable as possibly being a symptom of either illness or depression that we Aren’t hearing about.

this one just makes me sad

it’s Relatively quiet after this, with jay making light commentary here and there. the general vibe is that he’s hard at work when, of course, entry 32 comes along.

jay just Stops after jessica is taken. he doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t even start looking through the tapes for over three weeks. he couldn’t keep himself away from the tapes for that long after he was face to face with the monster or after his house was burned down. that says more about his state of mind than anything else could have.

there’s some mentions of possible sleep issues and jay feeling paranoid (more specifically, not feeling safe anywhere at all), but things don’t Really pick up until march

jay tries to upload entry 37 throughout the day, but no matter what he does he can’t remember the password for the account. this continues on into the 22 Until

“enttry #37“ is uploaded the next day, the footage of alex’s birthday, it’s linked on his twitter, and then six days later

He posts about how the footage he’d found earlier was deleted on his laptop and how he needs to get back Fast. he takes a rest stop on the 30th to charge his laptop and look through the red tower one more time to make sure he didn’t miss anything. and then Nothing until

he doesn’t get back for nearly an entire Week. now, it’s important to mention that there’s been speculation that this was going to be where the original skully reveal would take place, which is believable enough. but whether or not that’s what it was Going to be, the implications with what we have Now are, troubling to say the least. we’ll probably never know exactly what happened here but It’s Not Good. what did he eat? what did he drink? how did he sleep? Poorly, I’d Imagine.

this may also be what his earlier brain fog was leading into. losing track of the days of the week turning into losing track of the days entirely. but we’ll never know for sure

after this we actually get quite a lot about jay’s general discomfort, paranoia, memory loss, and regret scattered over the months. none of it is specific but a lot of it is tied directly to his discomfort with the tapes, which has turned into a constant with every upload. we can certainly tell that he isn’t doing well, but this message is particularly notable because it mentions a specific symptom that we haven’t seen before.

at this point jay’s paranoia and anxiety is bad enough that he can’t sit in silence anymore, and if he’s mentioning it so casually now it’s likely been an issue for a while. jay doesn’t tell us everything, and there’s almost certainly worse that hasn’t been said.

jay has Significant problems with sleeping throughout august that seep into september, to the point that he calls it “worse than usual.” but this is overtaken by his horror at entry 49. jay censored alex beating a man’s head in, but he had to watch it unedited, and it clearly took his toll. he didn’t even want to share it but ultimately decided that the world needed to have it if anything happened to him. but that wasn’t the end of it.

he spends nearly the entire month trying to find Any sign of who this man was. this is a specific aspect of jay’s personality that I think gets overshadowed by the perception of him as stupid. what he is is overworked, over his head, and impulsive, but he’s not stupid. but this is an Excellent example of jay’s dedication (bleeding into obsession).

this is obviously speculation on my part, but I think you can read this two ways (or a mix of them both): either jay is worried that something about the operator wiped away the man’s existence (like being taken made people forget about him somehow). Or he’s motivated by guilt, feeling responsible for having been there the day the man got crunched only to run away, desperately looking for any sign that Somebody had bothered to care about him.

things are relatively quiet after this until just after entry 50

something jay’s mental health really doesn’t need: more evidence of people breaking and entering while he’s asleep. what’s interesting here is that he went much quieter after this, just a handful of tweets relating directly to the next entry. I think you could either read jay being less open about how he’s doing on twitter as him being Well Aware that the people who want to hurt him (or who he Thinks want to hurt him in the case of hoodie and masky) have access to it, and in part because he’s doing so much Worse now.

the end of season two that the start of season three, of course, brings tim back into jay’s life and with it a Much needed distraction from his fear and paranoia. we’ll never know how jay reacted to the news that alex had tried to kill him in the moment, but we do know that it shifted his mindset from passively digging through the old tapes to actively trying to hunt alex down. tim was a Living Breathing lead, something he could actually Grasp Onto. and in light of what was likely something Very horrific that became a new fixation for jay.

he’d live blog about looking for tim from november 28th to march 8th, this was the most active he’d ever been on twitter and I think it absolutely speaks to how desperate he was for this to go somewhere. he even got to do some breaking and entering ! that said, having a distraction didn’t mean that there weren't a few noteworthy.

jay’s Current lack of trust is what’s going to lead to his and tim’s blowout later on. we can’t know how tim would’ve reacted if jay had been honest from the beginning (and it honestly would’ve gone poorly anyways), but tim’s confrontation with jay was honestly using his anger at being lied to as an outlet for the horror he felt at learning the truth of what’d been going on. he definitely would’ve still been angry and hurt, but he wouldn’t have had a direction for that anger. they might’ve started working together sooner.

however at this point jay doesn’t know who wants to hurt him and who doesn’t, he doesn’t feel safe talking to strangers on the street, let alone someone he already knew stalked him for two years. both of their reactions are understandable, and you can see the collision course coming when you step back far enough.

jay is Very quiet about what’s going on with him at this point. there are a few updates about his general paranoia and fear as well as him live tweeting about things relevant to the plot (thinking about coming clean to tim, posting tweets and pictures of trying to find tim after hoodie stole his medication, solving the totheark code that troy forgot to post a key for), but there’s only a handful of standout tweets that give us something new about his mental health scattered throughout the series.

this absolutely does not mean that he’s in a better place of mind, but what it does mean is that he’s being less open about it. tim didn’t know just how bad jay was and he’d been living with him. the fact that we have less to work with at this point is more an indication that he doesn’t feel safe sharing anymore (he hasn’t for a while) and a possible sign that he’s already gone into denial about his health (not wanting to connect it to the operator because of what that’d mean for him).

that said, we can take a look at what’s left for us.

this is from after jay had tim take him to the abandoned hospital for the first time and before the entry of it went up. this is notable because it’s one of if not the first time that it’s been directly stated that buildings associated with the operator can cause sickness. that or we can infer that the operator was actively strengthening its influence on them at the time (which might’ve also contributed to both of their irritability in the entry itself).

I don’t think this is notable because this is jay’s First nightmare, but rather I think it’s notable for him because his memory of it is totally gone. it’d make sense why this’d scare him at this point considering well, the entire series of marble hornets. but it does raise the question of how many more nightmares Weren’t worth sharing to him and how often they contributed to his sleeping problems.

next it’s worth noting that entry 67 messed jay up a lot. likely because it was solid evidence that alex was out there actively hunting them down (and just how close tim had gotten to being taken after he’d been throttled by the operator). He ends up posting about it Twice, as opposed to his previous strategy of not at all.

now finally, Finally. I’d like to talk about jay’s state of mind leading into his death. lets start with the timeline

jay doesn’t say anything at all between entry 74 and entry 75. tim had been running the account while jay was out of it, but jay had come to at least by august first, entry 75 was posted august 23rd. this is jay, and he has absolutely nothing to say.

he’s only just come out of his zombie state, he’s stolen the tape from tim (after trying to give him the chance to come clean), and he’s run off. we don’t get anything else out of him until september 3rd.

jay’s waited almost 2 weeks not only to watch the tape, but to even say anything at all. in my opinion? I think he’s afraid to not have anyone left to trust, let alone tim. he wouldn’t have given tim so much time to come clean himself otherwise, he wouldn’t be afraid of even looking at the tape otherwise. part of it is the sting of having his trust betrayed before, of closing himself off, and then trying to trust again. part of it is that he genuinely cared about tim. he wants to believe in tim, and he’s making it absolutely clear here.

it took him another 9 days to work up the courage to watch the tape, a full 20 days since the entry showing he got the tape was posted (and possibly longer, since we don’t know how long the video took to make). he was That afraid of not being able to trust tim anymore. of course, we know now that what’d actually get to him was realizing that jessica was gone. he’s mentioned before that he blamed himself for jessica being taken. that was what’d kept him going for years at this point and now she’s just, Gone. Gone For Good Gone.

the specific timeline here is a little harder to sus out. the gaps between some entries are too long to really make sense and what we’re getting on twitter aren’t as overt as they have been before. but here’s my best attempt to straighten it out.

jay sits on this for roughly a month, likely trying to process something that he’d used as a crutch to help him keep going bursting into smoke and grieving for someone he doesn’t really know but that he’d cared deeply for anyways. it eventually reached the point where the events of entry 82. he desperately goes back to the tunnel, the last place he saw jessica go in the video, for any last trace of her, any sign that she could still be alive, and doesn’t find any. he tries to reach out to tim, he tells him that he’s seeing things, that the world is shifting around him, that he’s sorry and that he understands why tim did what he did.

we don’t get an insight in what this month was like for jay, but it’s clear that he had a steady decline. he’s scared, he’s alone, he knows he needs help. and then the operator takes him. we never see exactly what happens to him after the seizure, and with the montages we’ve seen from tim’s titty cam it really could’ve been anything. but whatever it was it was enough to change jay’s entire attitude.

this is the last thing that jay posts before entry 77 goes up. it’s hard to say when this was posted for sure, because 77 was up 3 days later on the 16th, but I think it has to take place after jay was assaulted by the operator. jay thought he could call tim beforehand, we saw him try on video, and there’d be no reason to try to contact him through twitter if he knew he had an easier way. what this tells us is that jay woke up after the operator attack, tried to call him an unknown number of times, failed to reach him because the operator was still blocking his calls on tim’s end, tried to reach tim through twitter, and Then went out to try to confront tim likely believing that tim was intentionally trying to avoid him.

that mental image alone hurts me, but this means that even after everything jay was still trying to reach out to him.

at this point jay was in, some kind of denial just like everyone else. it hurt to feel like he was responsible for jessica’s death so he had to believe that she was still out there, he had to believe that it was someone else’s fault. he didn’t want to hurt tim like alex did, he didn’t want to push tim away like brian did, he wanted tim to laugh and pull jessica out of his closet where she’s been hiding this whole time. he wanted to believe the truth wasn’t real because it hurt.

the desperateness that he begs tim to leave his camera Also gets to me. jay’s mentioned for years that the point of recording and uploading footage was to make sure someone would know what happened if “something happened to him.” he pointed the camera away from jessica for 30 minutes and something Did happen to her. that's been weighing on him for years but never more than it has been for the past month.

then when hoodie comes for him, lets him free himself, and runs off one of the first things jay did was go to tim’s medicine cabinet and make a noise of frustration at finding all of the bottles empty. he knew that something was wrong, he knew that he wasn’t thinking straight anymore, and on some level he still believed tim. but there wasn’t anything there, everyone was gone, and he was running out of time.

now, I wanna paint another picture here. according to tim, the footage he found on jay’s laptop was dated the day before jay came to confront him. jay tried to reach tim through twitter at 8pm so it’s safe to assume that it was posted the day before he decided to meet him in person. jay spent october 13th getting his shit kicked in, he was hogtied on october 14th, and the entry showing their confrontation was up on october 16th.

jay follows tim, he searches through the school, and then chooses to keep watch in the building overnight.

jay’s had issues with food since the first day of marble hornets, Literally. it’s possible he snacked before he came to confront tim, or on the way to the school. it’s possible the upload dates are one off (the timeline certainly gets wonky going off of upload dates after this). but even still, at the time he was getting shot he was on at least day two without food (and likely much much longer), and at least 48 hours without sleep (again, almost certainly longer). On Top Of Everything.

jay merrick didn’t stand a chance

there’s so So much more I could get into, especially if I started poking more at the entries themselves or the Implications of some of the things I’ve talked about here. but that’ll have to come another time, I’m very tired jfklsd

[brett-is-afraid]

God i hope they dont think it's okay to start going through tags again like i cant stop them and i guess they can do whatever they want in their private time and i prefer it if they just forgot about us (curse everyone in donos and in chat saying to come over) but i just dont think they should tumblr . And if they do do it for other stuff not to use it as a platform to access their own fandoms (like when tb started back using tmblr he didnt come to his side of fandom he used it for sprk and general art/comics he couldnt get anywhere else)

And if they do come over they shouldbt get upset with what they find (if they look for it) because its a fandom site and fandom and creator should have their own spaces (can you tell i hate twtter?)

I also think it's very weird and a little out of touch when I see so many creators who are against nsfw and shipping getting tumblrs. Obviously, there's a huge chunk of Tumblr that isn't that, but so much of it is. If you all will remember, that was why so many creators and Youtubers used to be against Tumblr years and years ago.

For a while, Tumblr was regarded as that "weird place with all the shipping and smut"

And it still very much is.

And the problem is Tumblr doesn't give you the choice to go private. It's very much broken in other ways too. For instance, posts coming up in main tags when they weren't tagged that way. People you've blocked still being able to see your posts. And stuff like that.

I also think part of what makes Tumblr so good is that there's not that same dynamic between fans and creators as there are on other sites. Like, on other sites, fans make content and a lot of times hope creators see it. Think of all the fanart that they tag the creator in. I've seen some gorgeous Niki art with her tagged.

Other sites prioritize creators and treat them as a hierarchy with creators at the top and fans at the bottom.

Tumblr just doesn't have that. Tumblr has proven time and time again that they don't creators/celebrities on Tumblr for various reasons. I don't think it should mean creators can't come, but they should keep in mind Tumblr and the atmosphere here is entirely different. They're not going to be widely treated as above anyone and I think that'll be a culture shock for a lot of them.

I saw a lot of people saying they were getting Tumblrs based off of seeing a creator make one. And I just hope people are aware of the fact that Tumblr is entirely different to any other site.

I think people forget that Tumblr isn't a social media in the way they think of it.

I do foresee some creators (i'm vaguing a bit here lol) seeing content they are against and then trying to change that here. And I foresee a lot of drama coming from that. Twitter users and other fans coming here to purposefully try to get rid of it.