#goddamn psych majors

[not-so-rosyyy]

adele's "my little love" is currently on and i remember telling a friend a few months ago how i sobbed so hard the first time i heard this song and i didn't understand why because lol i'm not anywhere near being a parent and she was like, "well your mom raised you on her own and you're now at the age where you're experiencing a fraction of the loneliness she must've felt then which is making you finally realize she was a woman just like you before she was your mom" and all i could say was, OH.

[ironunderstands]

My reaction (or rather rebuttal) to this amazing theory by Lalody’s lore; and how I think it exposes a problem with theory making in general

Now disclaimer, I would like to start off by saying that this is not an attack on the creator of this video in the slightest. This is a very well researched and thought out theory and I 100% understand why she came to the conclusions she did, even if admittedly I believe they are a bit of a stretch. I also am not here to debunk anything, lore is not my speciality or something I really care about in general, and admittedly I’m not very well versed in it even if I know the basics.

Rather, this post is going to be discussing this theory from a thematic/charaterization perspective, and why I think it’s wrong because of that- as well as how it exposes problems with theory making in general.

This is going to be mostly a stream of consciousness-style rant, and although I recommend you watch that video before reading this (both because it’s a) very good, and b) obviously relevant to the conversation), I’m going to be speaking very generally about the content in it, so you don’t necessarily have to watch it.

Alright, on with my major problem with this theory: ie, never in a million goddamn years would it make THEMATICALLY make for our dear Veritas Ratio to willingly become an aeon

His whole character is about being human and humanity man

Ratio, in essence, is the most human character in Honkai Star Rail, and I don’t mean that literally, as there’s reason to believe he isn’t.

Rather, him (as well as Aventurine and Acheron) are characters that embody the human spirit/what it means to be human.

I could talk about them at length later, but in Ratio’s case, the story makes a point that despite how remarkable his life and achievements are, he is still at his core, human, mundane, and not unique in the face of the universe- that is what makes him INTERESTING.

He objectively has amazing accomplishments- ones which by far qualify him to be a member of the Genius Society- Lalody mentions it herself (and thank god for that).

However, every step Ratio takes, he reaffirms his humanity and mundanity- LITERALLY

He calls himself a Mundanite constantly- hell he made a whole secret society of them, he believes that any person, fool or genius is capable of living their life to the fullest, and he dedicates his time trying to help them rather than chasing the stars himself. Ratio is very self aware, admitting he’s not good with people and can be rather abrasive, admitting he knows how he comes off to others, but refusing to change despite that because that’s who he is. His opening a chest voiceline has him saying that he accepts the material offer it values- like any man would. Never in Ratio’s life has he distanced himself or put himself above others, and the quest introducing him is called the MUNDANE and the Divine for a reason.

At his core, Ratio is no different from any other person and that’s what makes his objective exceptionality meaningful. He’s a character that smacks you in the face with how even the average person can achieve great things in live- that creativity and intelligence aren’t limited to Geniuses- aren’t limited to those acknowledged by Nous, by the divine.

Hell, that’s something I ripped straight out of his first character story because at his core this is who Ratio IS

He is a rejection of the divine- not an embrace of it

To make Ratio an Aeon would take everything he stands for away, and be a direct spit in the face to how inspiring he is both in universe and for the players.

Making a character whose whole thing is saying “you do not need to be extraordinary to do great things,” and then going “hah psych he’s a god actually and this is unachiveable for normal people, just like every other genius- you know, the people he stands against!” would just suck. It would suck. I don’t have more intelligent words for this other than saying that doing THAT would suck ass.

It’s not that Ratio couldn’t become an Aeon, it’s that he would never WANT to be one. It would be the most tragic thing ever to do to him, and would hurt him in every way possible to do so. Tearing him away from the thing he cares about the most, from what defines him as a person would be worse than killing him off in my opinion, and in universe he would hate that more too.

There’s several reasons why he doesn’t like the Genius Society, and their disconnect from humanity is one of them. Hell, when Screwllum invited him to work together, Ratio instead of centering the project in aeons, chooses to focus on people instead. Screwllum likens them to both ends of the spectrum- with himself and the rest of the Genius’s exploring Divinity, and Ratio Humanity- or rather Mediocrity.

That’s also why me and my Screwllum loving friend believe that in “The Mundane and the Divine,” Ratio is the Mundane and Screwllum the Divine, so to make both of them divine would ruin that dichotomy, and the whole opposites thing he currently has going on with Screwllum, Ruan Mei, and the Genius Society in general.

If he’s an aeon- if he’s divine too, then who is left to be the mundane?

2) Why is he stealing Ruan Mei’s and Acheron’s nachos

If any of our playable characters are going to become an Aeon, it’s her for obvious reasons. From a meta perspective, pulling that same shit twice or robbing Ruan Mei of the plot line she deserves and slapping it onto Ratio is cheap and stupid, especially considering he’s her narrative foil which only again goes to prove that it wouldn’t make sense for him.

As for Acheron, the reason I mention her is because the only Aeon I can actually see Ratio becoming is the Existence- who a) probably already exists b) finding them is her storyline anyways, and if anyone is going to become them, it will be her c) although I absolutely believe Ratio’s personal philosophy is incredibly similar to Acherons, they’d actually have to interact on screen once before it would make sense for that to happen.

Either way, the theory itself is an interesting premise, but there are far better characters to ascribe it to, which leads into my final point.

3) Why the hell would the writers do this?

Just because they can doesn’t mean they should, and from a thematic and character perspective, I have already gone over why if they care to actually do his character justice, they would never ever consider making Ratio an aeon, unless it’s against his will or something.

Which is why I think this video is actually an exemplar of the problem with theory making in all fandoms now a days- ie; people don’t actually stop to consider whether their theories make sense in the story.

And I don’t mean logically. Honestly I’m going to call this the Game Theory Effect because they do it better than anyone- just because something can happen in a story doesn’t mean it should.

The writers could make Ratio an Aeon, they could go “oops it was all a dream” again in Penacony and local astrophysicists could theorize on how I managed to throw a brick at my computer at light speed. They could do literally anything and justify it in the process because HSR is a work of fiction, but that does not mean the story itself would be good.

This is more of a criticism of how people approach storytelling in general, seeing media only for their plots and not for their themes, which is frustrating beyond words, because at least in my opinion, the most interesting parts of stories are their themes. Also, I feel that when debunking theories, people should focus less about the logic behind them, and more about whether they would actually make sense or not to be involved.

Moreover, Lalody’s video raises some very interesting ideas, and it’s caused me to think of a storyline involving similar elements- but in an opposite direction.

What if Ratio was initially Divine- but willingly became Mundane. Maybe it wasn’t willing and he was forced to be this way, but either way, it would make far more sense- and be far more interesting- if we see him reject divinity rather than embracing it.

It’s no secret Ratio’s lore is sort of a black hole at the moment, which is half the reason why so many crazy theories about him exist- we barely know anything about the guy personally. However, I’d liked to see it filled in a way that doesn’t completely demolish his current character, or who he literally is currently, as I rather like Ratio in his present form, and a bait and switch might actually drive me a bit nuts, just saying.

There’s plenty of speculation to be had, especially considering that one Cosmodyssey occurrence that haunts my every waking hour game please explain, but I’d like the hsr community to move away from the “Ratio is super special and extraordinary” direction, because what makes him interesting is the fact that he ISN’T

[piratefishmama]

Nest | Part 1

A Steddie A/B/O ficlet

One of the main things that all alphas within the clinic needed to be able to do every single time without fail, was to ignore the scent of an omega in heat. It took an impressive amount of self-control, not to slip into rut, that only happened in porn, but to maintain their cool, to maintain professionalism, to ensure their patients felt safe around the stranger they’d be spending the majority of their time with during their stay, where they’d be at their most vulnerable.

They had to be able to trust the alpha they were assigned to. Trust that they wouldn’t be taken advantage of when they succumbed to their most primal of instincts.

That being said… being hit by a wall of pure earthy, woodsy scents outside the number 69, maybe he paused at the doorway for a second longer than he normally would have.

He shook his head clear, then knocked three times on the door “Mr… uh…” he checked the clipboard “Munson?” wait… Munson? He knew that name… that was a familiar name. “May I come in?” There was no bulldozing into an Omega’s space at Nest. Even if it wasn’t their home, their rooms at the clinic were their space, and would remain their space until their time ended there. Alphas and Betas alike needed permission to enter.

There was a brief shuffling sound behind the door for a moment, before a quiet “yeah c’mon in” reached his ears. Steve rolled his shoulders, took a deep breath, in and then out, then opened the door and oh… oh that…

That was… wow.

That was an Omega experiencing the early stages of heat, or pre-heat, notable by a strong scent permeating the air meant to draw a partner in. It was meant to be enticing, it was meant to cloud the senses, to rile an Alpha up. It wasn’t the first pre-heat scent Steve had experienced, working in an environment like that, he knew it was basically just a hulked up version of the omega’s natural scent, but it was the nicest one he’d ever smelled. Kind of familiar too.

Earthy. Like camping in the forest, dirt, moss, nature at its finest. No amount of aftershave or cologne could cover it and in Steve’s humble opinion, why would anyone want to?

Okay. Professionalism. He was a professional. He’d completed his qualifications, passed all manner of psych evaluations, he was basically the golden boy of Nest’s Alpha staff, he could handle a pre-heat scent, the door closed behind him.

“He—” oof was that his voice? He coughed, clearing his throat, regarding the omega in the room with a warm smile. “Hello, my name is—"

“Holy shit—Harrington?” Steve paused. Munson. Munson. E. Munson. Eddie Munson. Oh fuck. He knew that name, of course he knew that name.

Hawkins wasn’t exactly a large town. Eddie had originally been in the year above him, jumping on tables, louder than life, an off-putting kind of Omega.

Then he’d been in the same year as him, still jumping on tables, louder than life, still making Alpha’s and Beta’s alike cringe at the idea of being anywhere near him, and then he’d been in the year below him still in school after still not graduating.

Apparently he’d finally managed to graduate that third attempt.

No amount of fresh earthy scent could possibly mask the fact that this omega, was a nightmare. There was nothing soft about him, nothing homely or gentle, he was loud, unapologetically so, he was largely expressive, he was nerdy, and theatrical, he liked to be the centre of attention at all times, or at least he seemed that way, and he could be violent if provoked.

Among many other outbursts, the most notable being that he'd slammed Billy Hargrove’s head against a locker hard enough to give the guy a goddamn concussion after he’d witnessed him harassing one of his nerdy little pack.

An Omega wasn’t supposed to stand up to an Alpha. He’d just walked up behind him, grabbed his head, and slammed it against the locker. No warning, no threat, he’d just snapped. Knocked the guy out cold then hurried his pack away.

He was everything an Omega stereotypically wasn’t supposed to be. “Munson.”

“Well, uh… this is a thing that’s happening then I guess.”

Steve bristled a little at the tone, arms folding over his chest, clipboard held against his chest. “You asked for me by name.” This wasn’t how the meet and greet was supposed to go by any means, Steve was supposed to show him around the room, was supposed to walk him through the amenities he had at his disposal, was supposed to explain how things would go, how the camera system worked, but Eddie had never conformed to normal, had he?

“I asked for Steve, I didn’t know you’d be THIS Steve. Gareth didn’t know your last name, dude, it’s not like he had a lot of experience seeing you in Highschool.” Right. Eddie wouldn’t have asked for him had he known. Because why would Eddie have asked for him, why would anyone stuck on highschooler Bullshit Steve ever ask for him to help them, why would anyo— “Whoa dude! Dude, chill out, god, don’t you guys wear patches?” He was holding his nose, wafting the air in front of him as if it’d personally offended him.

Steve had never been made to feel wrong at his job before. Never been made to feel unwanted there before.

“Not around Omegas in the clinic no, because Alpha pheromones when used correctly can make an omega’s heat easier, something which obviously I’m not going to be able to do for you since you’re clearly against it being me helping you. I’ll just— I’ll have someone else assigned to you. Our patients comfort is of the utmost importance.” Surely someone else had to be free, right?

He turned on his heel, missing the wide eyed panicked expression that crossed Eddie’s face by a fraction of a second. He didn’t miss the switch in scent though, the panic. It caused him to pause just long enough for Eddie to blurt out “Wait!!” Steve turned back to face him again, brows raised, expectant. “Listen—I’m… we don’t have bad history, Harrington… me an you, there’s no bad blood there, you were never shit to anyone I knew, or me… my only gripe about you was from shit I heard second-hand an-an I know what that’s like… everyone thinkin they know eeeverything about you cause they’ve heard a few rumours. Gareth… he vouched for you, he’s one of my youngest pups.” Pup. Pup. Steve tilted his head a slight to the left, so that’s how that little pack worked, hm? “He said you took care of him, helped him make Galgrun, right?”

“The dwarf with the big hammer, yeah?”

“Haha, Steve Harrington saying dwarf. Weirdest day of my life. But yeah. Dwarf with a big hammer and a height complex, it’s a funny character” he’d ran it by Eddie the second he’d gotten back home, jumped on the phone and called him about it, went through everything with him to see if he could include it in the next campaign since his previous character had met with a terrible fate. “I’m…” Eddie took a breath, shaky, nervous—Steve read it for what it was, knew what he was going to say before he even said it “I’m scared… last time I—I nearly hurt my uncle, he—he’s just a Beta, but he tried to help and—”

Betas could help in a pinch, they could bring an Omega back to their senses in high stress situations, but they’d only continue to be of ongoing help if the Omega saw them as a mate.

Familial ties could only help so much and for only so long.

“It wasn’t what your Omega needed, was it?” Eddie shook his head “thought of him as an intruder in your nest?” A nod. “Have you ever had an alpha near for your heat?” The clipboard had said no, but… sometimes Omegas didn’t want things recorded in paperwork for their own safety.

“No… I mean, my dad was an alpha, but he was gone before my first heat so—no, an it’s not like they’re linin up…” no, they weren’t. Alphas and Betas alike tended to steer clear of Eddie Munson. Feral not so little thing that he was.

“…Okay. Are you sure you’re comfortable with it being me helping you through this?”

He thought there’d be a pause, hesitance, he thought Eddie would um and ah about it, but no, Eddie was very quick to nod, nod and say “yes! Yes, if you’re half as comforting as Gareth said you were then… yeah. Please?” He’d have to send Gareth some cookies or something, since he’d clearly been saying lovely things.

“Alright, let’s get you through the welcome packet and then we’ll start with the basics, okay?”

“Okay.”

Part 3

[cyberdragoninfinity]

wild dana spotted howling and barking about yugioh arc-v out in the parking lot

oh BOY oh boy it's bout that time again. i can't believe it's been OVER A YEAR (?!?!?) since i last did one of these 'i just finished a yugioh here's my little rambly retrospective about it' posts but we are BACK!!! Finished my first ever watch-through of Arc-V last Tuesday after some 8 months of it putting me through the spin cycle and now as it's wedging itself permanently into my psyche i need to talk about its Everything or i will explode. so LET'S SWING INTO ACTION!!! I'M TAKING CONTROL OF THIS DUEL STARTING NOW!!!

[SPOILERS ahead for this decade old anime, of course]

WOW. YUGIOH ARC-V, HUH. before i started it watching it, I knew two things: A.) every single bit of knowledge I'd learned about it from Duel Links events or otherwise had me so, so, unbeliebable fucking hyped. I was absolutely certain this Yugioh was going to be so full of Danabait and completely fry my brain like an egg on the griddle. I had to physically restrain myself for TWO YEARS to keep from jumping the gun and watching Arc-V before I'd finished all the series before it (a decision I'm ultimately thankful for--Arc-V hits kind of fuckign crazy as a chaser to four other yugiohs.). And also, B.) when people Talk About Arc-V they always talk about it in a Very Particular Way. like. it's hard to describe. I feel like you know it when you see it. There is the full range of human emotion in the way people talk about Arc-V. People talk about Arc-V like its a confusing, malicious specter haunting their living room. And this admittedly got me even more hyped to watch it.

And then I watched it and here I am and I KNOW NOW. I KNOW NOW WHY PEOPLE. TALK ABOUT IT LIKE THAT. FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT. SLASH POS. SLASH NEG. SLASH SECRET THIRD THING.

Arc-V is a fucking MESS. It starts out SO strong and then it starts setting plot threads on fire and writing conceptual checks it absolutely cannot cash. It falls down the narrative stairs like it has a goddamn death wish. It introduces 342052805 characters and then forgets to do anything with 99% of them. It does things to its girl characters that makes the back half of 5Ds's girl writing failure look like the height of feminist theory. If the stories I've heard about its deeply troubled production are any indication it is some kind of MIRACLE this show got made and aired at ALL. IT'S LIKE WATCHING A CAR WEAVING THROUGH TRAFFIC AT 90 MPH ONLY TO PLOW DIRECTLY INTO THE SIDE OF A PARTY CITY.

and goddamn if I didn't have a FUCKING BLAST watching it. GODDAMN IF I DIDNT HAVE SO, SO MUCH FUN. goddamn if Arc-V might very well end up being my FAVORITE yugioh out of ALL of them when all is said and done. WHOOOOOPSSS!!! 🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴

like. imo Zexal is absolutely from a quality/art direction/narrative/everything standpoint leaps and bounds better than Arc-V. Definitely one of my favorite cartoons I've ever seen period, and most people should give it a shot. Such a beautiful work of art. But Arc-V....... girl they put something In this one. My pre-show hype was absolutely warranted. This show is just one blast of Shit That Makes Dana Crazy after another. Every character absolutely delights me and is my best friend. I'm going to be losing my mind over Yugioh Arc-V for the rest of the year and maybe forever.

As usual I primarily watched the dub, with some sub episodes sprinkled in if I got tipped off about a big change, or just if I wanted to see what was going on back there. (glad I did, of course, for a number of reason--least of all that Arc-V's OPs and EDs are SO fun and so charming!!) (THOUGH SIDE NOTE: THE DUB OPENING SHREDS SO HARD IM SORRY. IT'S UP THERE WITH THE GX DUB OPENING FOR ME. CAN YOU FEEL THE FUCKING POWER!!!!!) Anyway, gotta say, really was blown away by this dub!! It's tied with Zexal for what's imo the 'best' yugioh dub--the majority of the voice performances were just fantastic (truly all the love in my heart for Michael Liscio Jr.'s performances as the yuboys, they all have such unique and charming voices and im OBSESSED WITH THEM.) and having watched some sub eps side by side with the dub it's really cool seeing a dub that genuinely tried to faithfully translate Most of the Original. idk it's just a really solid localization to me!! I loved it a lot!! ALSO IT'S EXTREMELY FUNNY. I SAY THIS ABOUT EVERY DUB BUT IT'S TRUE. there are line reads in the arc-v dub that have me SOBLAUGHING.

anyway. I like to do these little subsection breakdowns in these little retrospective roundups, so let's get into the weeds with it:

Stuff I Didn't Like: loooooooooong inhale through my nose. looks at you with mildly pained eyes. alright. let's get this one over with.

though I did really try to go in as blind as I could/avoid most spoilers with this one, I did inevitably get spoiled by some things from Duel Links, but in the case of. uh. Riley Getting Turned Back Into a Baby At the End. 👶🏼 I AM glad I had that spoiled for me, so I knew it was coming. Because if I didn't know that was going to happen and that clocked me over the head I would have been on the NEWS. I WOULD HAVE BEEN, SO MAD. HEY, YUGIOH: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 👶🏼👶🏼👶🏼👶🏼👶🏼 WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO RILEY!!!!

"character gets permanently turned back into a baby for Critical Plot Reasons" has gotta be one of my LEAST favorite tropes in anything, it's NEVER GOOD. AND IT'S ESPECIALLY BAD HERE!!! Riley is such a good character, he's got such an interesting arc going on, and THEY JUST RIP THAT TO PIECES. SO RILEY'S JUST FUCKING GONE NOW I GUESS. COOL. ALRIGHT. SURELY THERE COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER WAYS TO DEFEAT ZARC. SURELY. just. good GOD. it was a small miracle to me when this happened like 8 episodes before the end, it was like ripping the bandaid off early, it was like "oh thank christ i got past that. ok well whatever happens it cannot possibly be as bad as the shit they did to riley"

^ (and imo it wasnt. thank GOD. actually let's talk about that)

LIKE. MAKE NO MISTAKE ARC-V'S ENDING IS CONFUSING AND CLUMSY AND SO STUPID AND NOT GOOD. WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH DOES THIS SERIES NEED EIGHT EPISODES AFTER ITS BIG BAD DUEL.WE COULD HAVE WRAPPED THIS UP IN 2-3!!!! it feels like watching Chopped and the contestant has 20 seconds on the clock left and theyre like "i gotta make my whipped cream" like WEEEE DONT NOT HAVE TIMEEE FOR THAT!!!!! WHAT ARE WE DOINGGGG. why are we dueling jack AGAIN. FOR TWO EPISODES. EVERYONE IS YELLING AT YUYA LIKE ALL OF THIS IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY AND FUCKING IS IT??!?!??! HE'S 14. AND THEN THOSE EPISODES HAVE THE GALL TO THROW SO MANY COOL IDEAS ON THE TABLE (Gong fully exploring dueltaining, the Dimensional Highway, etc) AND IT'S LIKE. COOL!! WISH WE COULDVE HAD THIS ANY OTHER TIME THAN THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND!!! WHAT ARE WE DOINGGGG

BUT all that being said, the way people talk about that fucking last episode I was expecting some genuinely godawful 'zuzu is yuyas mom again like in the manga' tier absolute nightmare scenario. i literally made a secret prediction chart of what insane plot twist i assumed the last episode was going to drop on me.

AND THEN THE LAST EPISODE WAS JUST. FUNNYBAD. just a run of the mill whimper at the end of eight episodes we KIND OF REALLY DID NOT NEED. THE SHEER AMOUNT OF RELIEF I FELT. like absolutely i think going into it completely blind/encountering that ending watching live I would have been pissed, folks are rightfully frustrated with it, but I WAS TRULY. EXPECTING MUCH WORSE. IT ENDS LIKE A FAKE TUMBLR POST. "AND THEN EVERYONE CLAPPED" ASS ENDING. I DO HAVE TO LAUGH

^ YIPPEEEE SIX CHARACTERS HAVE EFFECTIVELY STOPPED EXISTING YAAAAAYY (😬😬😬😬)

ALSO, IN GENERAL. SPEAKING OF. GOD. THE BRACELET GIRLS. YALL ARE SO COOL AND THEN POOR LULU AND RIN DIDNT GET TO DO A GODDAMN THING EXCEPT HAVE WORMS IN THEIR BRAINS!!!! HELL ON EARTH!!!!!! WHY DID THEY DO THATTTT GAHHHHH again!! show that introduces SO many characters, so many FUCKING COOL CHARACTERS, and then does NOTHING with them. Or hits them with PARALYZING NERVE GAS FOR 20 EPISODES. CHRIST!!! WHY DO ARC-V GIRLS SUFFER MORE THAN JESUS. LEAVE MY GIRL ZUZU ALONEEEEE

TO THAT END, ARC-V JUST MAKES; SO MANY CONFUSING CHARACTER DECISIONS. AND CHOICES. why is Yuto just out of the picture for like 60 episodes!!! Let him be Yuya's brain buddy!!! WHY WASNT HE. DID YOU NOT WANNA ANIMATE HIM FLOATING NEXT TO THE DUEL RUNNER??! BE REAL. It's like. GRAHHH In general Arc-V has a pacing problem that is like. Atrocious even for yugioh's bad pacing problems. This series needed to be 400 episodes long. I like the IDEA of a yugioh with a big cast, spending episodes cutting between different groups of characters like some kind of bulky YA fantasy novel, but in practice it got. Real Muddy. RIP Xyz dimension arc you shoulda had so much more to you. And then there's that combined with this way it's trying Really Really hard to ape the themes of the past yugiohs ('dont forget to have fun,' grief/moving on after loss, classism) but it's hitting every damn branch on the way down and just completely fumbling ALL of them, it's not actually doing much to Earn being able to have those kind of themes resonate properly. IT'S SUCH A BAFFLING SHOW. IN THE THEMES DEPARTMENT. AMONG OTHER THINGS. "DONT EVER BE VISIBLY PUBLICLY SAD" IS A FUCKING INSANE MORAL. AND IT TAKES THAT SHIT WITH IT TO THE BITTER END. WHY IS THE FATE OF THE WORLD HINGED ON YUYA MAKING A BABY LAUGH. WHERE AM I!!!!

god. god. ok. ok im calm now. im sure in the coming weeks i'll have more barking about arc-v's various fumbles. but i'll leave it at that for now, i wanna talk about stuff i DID like now lol

Favorite Season/Arc: ok well. this actually is a hard question. um. hrm. LIKE. I'LL GET SHOT BY SNIPERS IF I SAY IT WAS SYNCHRO ARC BUT ALSO

IM SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYY I GOT THAT DOG IN ME (A BACK HALF OF 5D'S LIKER'S SOUL.) and unfortunately I WILL go in there and think about it that hard (the absolutely fucked to hell sociopolitical situation happening in Arc-V New Domino City and how it contrasts with the NDC in 5D's) (one thing about me I love weird fucked up yugioh old people I love those bitchass old centrists apparently governing the entire dimension and doing a piss poor job of it it's just like contemporary American politics!!!!!!) ROGET WAS JUST REANIMATING DEAD PEOPLE AND PUTTING MIND CONTROL CYBERNETICS IN THEM AND WELL YEAH SURE I'LL BE NORMAL GRIP ABOUT THAT. NORMAL. i need to make an arc-v AU Aporia so fucking bad THEN YOULL ALL SEE *talking to empty room*

YES synchro was way too fucking long. but regretfully i love turbo duels and will never not be charmed when yugioh puts guys on motorcycles that have no business being on motorcycles. DAMN I JUST FUCKING WISH YUYA AND YUGO GOT TO ACTUALLY TALK AND MEET IN THE SAME ROOM THOUGH!!!! BUT ANYWAY!!!!

im. kidding at least a little, I actually thoroughly enjoyed like...all of Arc-V's seasons/arcs at least a little (barring a lot of the Weird Post Zarc Duel 8 Episode Dead Zone.) The first 50 episodes really are just peak banger Yugioh, I do love action duels to absolute bits (though Action Spells. Uh. Need Some Workshopping 8| If I See Evasion One More Time Im Gonna Lose It) and the shit especially that first season does with the crazy Action Fields is AWESOME. GENUINELY. GO DUEL IN THE VOLCANO. DO A FLIP. RIDE YOUR MONSTER. it's practically running on Pokemon universe logic i cant NOT love it. And well Fusion Dimension arc does just have a whole lot of episodes that make me go cuckoo bananas crazy. Truly something for Dana in every crevice of Yugioh Arc-V.

Favorite Characters: god I do think like a solid half of why I think Arc-V may be becoming my top fav Yugioh is that the cast is just, really Really fucking good. Like yes so many of them are underutilized but the time we Do get with them really just shows off what delightful characters they all are. Half the reason it took me so damn long to finish was I was having so much fun and was going to miss seeing them!! IT'S GENUINELY HARD TO PICK A TOP LINEUP OF FAVS. THERE'S SO MANY DANABAIT GUYS IN YUGIOH ARC-V. YES EVEN THE SYNCHRO ARC GUYS. LUCAS SWANK I MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.

The Lancers alone are SO good, theyre up there with Team 5D's in terms of Favorite "Main Yugioh 'Friend Group'/Organization". Group of guys who kind of have horrible synergy and only like 3 of them are actually competent. Declan came up with it when he was 13. Funniest group of teenagers imaginable, I love them all. LIKE .YUYA MAY BE MY FAVORITE YUTAGONIST??? IM NOT SURE YET BUT. I DO LOVE HIM A LOT. HE'S A PATHETIC WET PAPER TOWEL AND I WANT TO GIVE HIM A NOOGIE. SLASH POS.

And I mean I'm always gonna be Z-one biased but I do like Zarc as a Big Bad a lot too... damn if I don't love Just Some Guy Has Become God and Is a Huge Tool About It <3 WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS!!!!

ah. but. of course. i'd be remiss if i didn't bring up. Rainbow Carrot Rock Your World.

hey guys. why'd it happen again. why'd the Yugioh Carrot and Company get in my head and completely fry my brain AGAIN!!!!!!!! ORANGE CARROT. PURPLE CARROT. YELLOW CARROT!!!!🥕🥕🥕🥕🥕🥕🥕🥕🥕🥕🥕🥕🥕 YUGO ISNT EVEN MY TOP FAV BUT HE'S IN MY HEART AND IN OUR HOUSE FOREVER NOW. meanwhile i dont want. to talk about what yuri is doing to me. if i think too hard about this little purple freak i'll start going bonkers ballistic chewing my leg off. I like all the yuboys but he is especially. Gripping Me. La Cucaracha Loca. My shithead gay son.

dennis needs his own post he's just. a Lot. may very well be one of the funniest yugioh characters ever. Among Other Things. his dub VA's performance needs to be marked as culturally significant. AND THEY JUST KEPT BRINGING HIM BACK.

IN GENERAL, AS I WAS COMPLETELY EXPECTING, FUCKED UP AND EVIL DUEL ACADEMY REALLY DID ME IN I love you Fusion Dimension kids I love getting sick in the head thinking about card game child soldiers.My Actual favorite Arc-V character may just straight up be Sora..... I just like him a lot. He's got a really solid character arc, his deck rules, he's a little fucker AND an absolute real one. Just 10/10 little guy.

GOD WHAT EVEN IS MY TOP FIVE FAVORITES. UHHHH Okay Sora and Yuri for sure, and Declan, I love Declan. Yugo..... god. GOD IS THE FIFTH ONE DENNIS FOR REAL. I FEEL HIM IN MY BRAIN SO BAD. AAAAUUGHHHH (Runners Up: Yuya, Yuto, GONG MOTHERFUCKING STRONG!!!!!!, Rin my girl my badass mechanic girl IM ON MY WAY. I'LL THINK ABOUT YOU THAT HARD., Riley, Arc-V Aster unfortunately a Dana Guy ever. Why Is He Here. He Didnt Even Go to DA in GX. But all of this is subject to change in coming months as the entire cast continues to hit me with weapons. An honor and a privilege to induct these characters into my Blorbo Hall of Fame)

Favorite Duel: HEY QUICK QUESTION: WHY ARE ARC-V'S DUELS SO FUCKING WEIRD. LIKE. NARRATIVELY. There's like 4352984589 ties and duels that get cut short and DUELS WE JUST NEVER GET TO SEE THE FULL OUTCOME OF ON SCREEN?!?!? WHAT WAS GOING ON THERE. It feels like another symptom of arc-v just desperately trying to bite off more than it can chew 😭 Frustrating!! And god I LOVE the zaniness of Action Duels, but we neeeeeed to do something about Action Spells... GRABBING AN ACTION SPELL SHOULD NOT BE THE CRUTCH OF YOUR WHOLE DECK.........

coughs. anyway. My actual honest to god favorite Arc-V duel is Yugo vs. Celina in the Friendship Cup <3 IVE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT IT BEFORE BUT IT'S JUST SUCH A FUN ONE. It's got some great character moments on both sides, a yugioh girl Getting to Be Cool, the colors are gorgeous, it's SO funny, I just get such a kick out of it....I think part of what I Do like about the Friendship Cup is it really shows this sense of kinetic energy that the WRGP in 5D's really needed. I also really like the Shay vs. Dennis Friendship Cup duel for just going completely off the rails. Blow Up This War Criminal and The Whole Stadium With the Giant Bird Satellite Cannon. DOES NOT GET MORE YUGIOH THAN THAT!!

for all its weirdness Arc-V has a LOT of really fun duels that i enjoy--Shay vs. Sora is beloved for a reason, it also goes hard as hell. So many Season 1 duels are just a goofy blast, I really need to rewatch the quiz show one. For as much of an unnecessary mess as those last 8 episodes are, I DO really like Yuya and Dennis's duel too (THAT GETS REALLY REALLY GAY AT THE END???!?!? ARE WE ALL SEEING THIS.)

Hell even the Zarc duel started making me kind of sick in the head--watching Yuya's friends passing around his pendulum necklace while trying to save him makes me turbo emo WHAT CAN I SAY!!!

Arc-V also has the thing I had with Zexal where there's just some individual episodes that are absolute bangers for me. i love the Prison Break episode, it's fucking INSANE. HIP HIPPO SAID FUCK COPS FUCK THE PRISON SYSTEM!!! I love the episode where Gong and Dennis duel. FOR HOW LONG IT DID DRAG SYNCHRO HAS SOME REALLY FUN ONE-OFF EPISODES which I just really enjoy. Also love when Zuzu and Sora beat the shit out of a pack of cops. Based for that for real.

i do also love Yuri and Yuya's duel. Of course.

Other Miscellaneous Gushing/Shrieking/Losing My Mind About Yugioh Arc-V For Good and Bad and Everything in Between: arc-v arc-veeeeee yugioh arc-fiveeee theres just so MUCH. TO TALK ABOUT. THIS ONE'S GONNA BE IN MY HEAD FOR EONS I FEAR. THINKING ABOUT THE EVERYTHING. The sheer amount of narrative traits that make me specifically lose my mind (in a good way. as opposed to. the babyfication making me lose my mind. in a Real Bad Way :////) that they crammed into this. It's like digging in the treasure chest of elaborate fanfics I was writing in my brain in freshman year of high school. The Sick and Twisted Evil AU Version of Duel Academy. The Trained to Be Weapons Child Soldiers. Mind Control Reanimated Corpse Brain Chip. Alternate Dimension Selves. All of the Split Different Dimension Bullshit. Soul Splitting and Soul Fusion Framed as Fucking Terrifying. It's good I didn't have Arc-V growing up it would have been doing IRREVERSIBLE THINGS TO MY DEVELOPING CREATIVE BRAIN. INSTEAD IT'S DOING THEM TO ME NOW.

(side note, re: terrifying soul fusion: Arc-V is SO FUCKING SCARY SOMETIMES?!?? Like "ohh i wish yugioh was still a horror story" DAWG ARC-V ROUTINELY HAS SOME OF THE MOST DREAD-INDUCING CONCEPTS GETTING FLUNG AT YOU AT 90 MPH. SKIP BOYLE FORGETS HIS DAUGHTER EXISTED AND IT'S ONE OF THE MOST HEARTBREAKINGLY HORRIFYING THINGS IVE EVER SEEEEENNNNN )

The shit Arc-V does with Yugioh's themes of identity, these "when does a piece of yourself stop being you and start being their own person?" "what happens when multiple free standing people are one person" type ideas, you KNOW that makes my Aporia Turbofan ass go CRAAAZYYYY. AND THEN IT HAD RELIGIOUS MOTIFS TOO <3333 YOU'RE ME AND IM YOU AND IT DOESNT MATTER WHO DOES WHAT THE DEVIL WILL COME BACK REGARDLESS 😊💞💞💞

Arc-V takes such bold swings at things and 95% of the time it misses the ball entirely and spins up and out and directly into the fireplace but that 5% of sheer genius and thematic weight hits like a truck. Is Arc-V good? FUCK IF I KNOW. PROBABLY NOT. BUT ALSO YES IT IS. BUT ALSO IT'S NOT. BUT ALSO IT'S SOMETHING SO SPECIAL, AND I LOVE IT. That first like 50 episodes makes for such a good yugioh starter course tbh, the way it goes over different summoning methods and is very engaging and energetic, and then the rest of the show is an 18 car pileup of Card Game War that makes me automatically like DONT. START WITH THIS ONE. WATCH ANOTHER YUGIOH OR TWO FIRST AND THEN COME MELT YOUR BRAIN IN HERE. AND THATS SUCH A WEIRD DICHOTOMY TO HAVE WITH ONE YUGIOH. weird like everything else with arc-v i suppose. :,)

For all the mess and all the madness there truly is so much I love, though. I love the character dynamics, even when the show isnt doing much more with its cast--Yuya and Gong's friendship may be one of my favorite 'yutag and best friend' bonds, it's SO sweet and I'm going to be mad forever that Gong isn't more popular in western ygo fandom. I love the DUEL MONSTERS!! Performapals are SOOOO sillygoofy I have to adore them, the dimensional dragons all kick so much ass I love you Clear Wing my big legless weirdo. I love Shay's increasingly bigger Bird Guns. I LOVE FRIGHTFURS!!!! I LOVE D/D/DS!!!!! SO HAPPY TO SEE THEM ON ESPECIALLY SCREEN AFTER PLAYING THEM FOR MONTHS IN DUEL LINKS. MY FREAKY DECLAN DEMONS. I love the miscellaneous callbacks to past iconic monsters and funky weird AU retrains of the Legacu character's decks. Scarlight Red Dragon Archfiend my friend Scarlight Red Dragon Archfiend

I also do love that Arc-V in theory is trying very hard to be a celebration of past Yugiohs, but it's also instead being completely fucking insane with its 'tributes.' Oh you like Heartland City from Zexal? It's a carpetbombed warzone now! LIKE... HUH!!! When Lazar showed up at the end of season 2 i SCREAMED. I WANT TO KNOW THE LOGIC OF THESE CHOICES. THEY DONT MAKE ME MAD OR ANYTHING REALLY IM JUST FASCINATED BY THEM. i cant really be too angry at arc-v I'm just. transfixed. at every baffling choice it's ever made. I've really truly never seen a show that's so thoroughly felt like some kids doing a roleplay on a forum somewhere, players dropping in and out and mods not really knowing what to do with the lore anymore as things become more and more convoluted. I watch arc-v scenes and i can picture the text RP in my head, the players' forum signatures and all. It's truly some kind of feat to achieve that inherent vibe, that's for sure.

ok im running out of steam i think... what else. god. Yugioh Arc-V is just.... such a teetering Jenga tower of a show, a complete nuclear meltdown of clumsy writing and fantastic vocal performances (dub and sub) and confused handling of its own lore and occasionally some of the fucking coolest most intense expressions and gorgeous shots of any yugioh

I held out on watching it for so long cuz i just fuckin KNEW it was going to grab me by the brain and swing me into the wall and WELL!!! I WAS RIGHT!!!! SHES A MESS BUT SHES MY MESS BABEYYY!!! IS ARC-V GOOD? MAYBE NOT BUT, BROTHER, I FUCKIN LOVE WHEN YUGIOH IS BAD ❤ ive been a disciple of Bad Yugioh for 20 goddamn years and im not stopping now!!!!! I love you Pendulum summoning you insane busted ass mechanic. I love you all four completely fucked up dimensions. I love that they localized Maiami to Paradise City. I love the little nods to past yugioh things (like fusing with a motorcycle <3 Primo Moment...2!) I hate you Leo Akaba explode and die forever (though 'parent going mad trying to bring their child back' do also go me a little bananas.) I love the kickass shots of Yuya's monsters being set in the pendulum scale.I love Sora's relationship with Yuya and Zuzu. I love every fucked up crazyass expression Yuri makes. I love the sense of character design in this show. I love the Action Duel start chants. I love seeing the Synchro Math again and the Overlay Units and the deeply unsettling fusion hand gesture kids use with Polymerization. I love that third ED thats just the Lancers dicking around in different locations and having fun. I love Declan and Riley's complicated but deeply loving bond. I love when characters RIDE THEIR DUEL MONSTERS!!! AND I LOVE THAT DESPITE EVERYTHING I ALREADY WANNA SEE THESE CHARACTERS AGAIN. THEYRE MY FRIENDS!!!!! THEYRE IN MY BRAIN!!!!! MY KIDSSSSS

I KNOW NOW. WHY PEOPLE TALK ABOUT ARC-V LIKE THAT. AND IM ABOUT TO START TALKIN LIKE THAT TOO. YUGIOHHHHHH!!!!!

[justyourtypicalwriter]

I just saw the post SERVICE DOGS HCS PLEASEEE !!!

HERE WE GO GANG! These are the one's I have so far! Feel free to suggest recs for any characters or disabilities y'all wanna see! (feel free to rec it even if it's for a character on the list)

STAN:

Service Dog: Brown Newfoundland, Delta (F)

Psychiatric Alert & Response Dog

Disabilitie(s): Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Minor Psychosis 

The hair dye oh my god. He can rarely drag himself out of bed during depressive episodes but occasionally he’ll get a random burst of impulsivity and re-dye his hair. Most of the time he does the same shitty job at bleaching it blonde

“DARLING! GUESS WHO’S BACK FROM THE PSYCH WARD” vibes

Sharon and Randy officially divorced when he was fifteen. He got a little better now that there isn’t constant screaming or the threat of a drunk or high Randy doing something stupid

Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a total mess-

Patched his relationship with Shelly

Misdiagnosis club AND public breakdown club

God his entire aura just radiates LOSER energy but he’s somehow insanely popular

Not cousins with Craig & Red in this AU but their parents are insanely close so they hang out a lot

CRAIG:

Service Dog: Irish Setter, Saturn (M)

Medical Alert & Response Dog

Disabilitie(s): Epilepsy

Lowkey autistic but Saturn isn’t task trained for anything related to that

Goes non-verbal at times but it’s pretty spontaneous. Most people outside his group can’t tell if he’s actually non-verbal or just not talking to fuck with everyone

Peru drama was secretly worked out when they were twelve. Craig was hospitalized for a while when they were running tests to get a diagnosis, it was roughly a month long stay. He told Stan he’d call it even if Stan looked after Stripe until he was out. Tweek was away for the summer and he knew Stan wouldn’t let anything happen to her since he’s a massive animal lover

Gotta maintain the bitch personality 

TWEEK:

Service Dog: Doberman, Latte (M)

Psychiatric Alert & Response Dog

Disabilitie(s): Chronic Anxiety,

“Ah fuck, the magic school bus is waiting outside to take me back to rehab-”

I kid you not, he was absolutely terrified of Latte when he first got him

Which is funny because Latte is the sweetest goddamn thing, not at all like Fable whose a fucking demon shit

CPS was called on his parents right before senior year

Placed with the Broflovski’s so he and Kyle got closer

Public breakdown club

BUTTERS:

Service Dog: Boxer, Haven (F)

Psychiatric Alert & Response Dog

Disabilities: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Depression

Public breakdown club (IN DEVELOPMENT)

KYLE:

Service Dog: Black Giant Schnauzer, Noble (M)

Medical & Psychiatric Alert & Response Dog

Disabilities: Diabetes, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID)[This one might be switched]

Tubie Kyle (I fucking LOVE this one)

For once I give Kyle an ED that doesn’t stem from body image issues

Humancentipad trauma bc I love being problematic about the episode

DESPISES his lows because it means he has to eat something

Also goes non-verbal but only during times of high stress

Noble is a program dog. Kyle got him when he was 14 and initially he was so against it. He wants to function independently but he really fucking can’t. As he grows older he learns to accept the help more

HATES mirrors. The Humancentipad incident left him with scars

Public breakdown club

KENNY:

Service Dog: Anatolian Shepherd Dog, Harbor (M)

Medical Response & Mobility Aid Dog

Disabilities: Muscular Dystrophy, Chronic Pain

Regularly hospitalized, fucking dies, and revives the next day

DUMPSTER DOG<3333

He trained Harbor mostly by himself (Wendy, Tolkien, and Kyle pitched in a bit and bought him books on training techniques)

MOM FRIEND! Bro I just love making Kenny one of the parental figures of the group. He’s just got a bag of shit he carries around for both himself and everyone else. Stan forgot to swap his bandages? Boom, Kenny’s got new ones. Kyle’s sugar is low? Boom, he’s got whatever little snack the boy is able to tolerate. Someone needs a distraction? Medical episode causes them to need a vomit bag? Boom, done. Mom friend Kenny

So fucking ADHD

JIMMY:

Service Dog: Grey Great Dane, Kitty (F)

Mobility Aid Dog (IN DEVELOPMENT)

TOLKIEN:

Service Dog: Papillon, Jax (M) (IN DEVELOPMENT)

WENDY:

Service Dog: Black German Shepherd, Nike (F)

Psychiatric Alert & Response

Disabilities: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) (IN DEVELOPMENT)

CLYDE:

Service Dog: Husky, Fable (F) (IN DEVELOPMENT)

BEBE:

Service Dog: Golden Retriever, Bucky (M)

Medical Alert & Response Dog

Disabilities: Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS)

Misdiagnosis club

Went to multiple doctors from 13-15 who all told her it was all in her head

And she’s just sitting there like “bitch please, the only thing in my head is my girlfriend and how hot she is. Now tell me why I keep experiencing these symptoms-”

HEIDI:

Service Dog: Chocolate Labrador, Isa (F)

Psychiatric Alert & Response Dog

Disabilities: Autism Spectrum Disorder

Public breakdown club (IN DEVELOPMENT)

[foundfam2754]

S17e7 live reactions!

spoilers...obviously

am i the only one who's always nervous before a new episode? i just might too invested in this show after all

i have avoided spoilers all day, let's do this thing

why hasn't this FBI director ever come back into the storyline? i feel like it means a big twist might come back in the season finale...

is this unsub connected to gold star???

oh my god his skin jfc

man you know the quiet unsubs are the scariest

WHAT THE FUCK HIS SKULL

this guy is just saying what he needs to isn't he to get out

holy crap okay what a start to this episode

i'm closing my eyes omg

how do you even build something like that in your apartment - WITHOUT getting hurt

OMG WHAT. THE. FUCK. holy crap aisha did you direct this to scare the bejeesus out of me THAT IS HIS ACTUAL SKULL

OH I JUST SAW FELICITY'S NAME COME UP - welcome, dr. jill gideon!!

damn damn damn PG's outfits this ep!! damn

where are tara and dave? and tyler? and everyone else lol

wait also is my favorite friendship group - penelope, her best friends, and her boyfriend

HAHA emily, poor tyler

ok I kinda love tyler the profiler

"flex" lol why did that sound so wrong coming out of paget's mouth

"mr. sensitive" lol buddy's getting hit left and right

i feel like....that's not a lot of files for 4 years

anyone getting "don't 'Emily' me" vibes

not sure you can say that dave - emily "died", and you were buried underground

lol "that's adorable!"

"i don't have asthma" "you will in a minute" lmao i love their friendship

that's an incredible shot omg (of them turned back from each other, holding hands in bed)

okay as a psych major, this whitepaper stuff is really intellectually interesting

OH THE STARE TO MR GREEN

"of course I am, but not with this" lol i love chaotic emily

"Garcia" ah so he's not so in love anymore is he

aww i never really connected with gideon, but I do miss him <3

EMILY YOU WERE FORBIDDEN

aww road trip!

ergh... smarmy lawyer

elias does love a good contingency

man sicarius is a good profiler

holy crap elias you are straight up horrifyingly evil

"polite. nonviolent" lol i love how funny this season is

YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS YOU LOVE HIM HE LOVES YOU PENELOPE YOU ARE KILLING ME

also don't tell me "it's why you and i are finally friends" ISN'T flirting

"thanks, friend!" "you're welcome, friend!" okay they are straight up flirting, listen to the tone, her facial expression, his facial expression, THEY ARE FLIRTING

also calm down kids, jj's right there

"how's hotch?" "what about derek morgan?" "spencer?" lol they're really honing in that our bois are gone :(

AW BB JASON IN THE CORNER IN THE PHOTO FRAME

oh there's a difference between fiancé and fianceé? i didn't think there was

"has a goatee he thinks makes him look very distinguished" lmao

oh my god he slept with her didn't he

HOW WERE GIDEON AND HE FRIENDS AFTER THAT

lol rossi was such a player

HAHA omg EMILY YOU ARE SO BAD. i love how chaotic she's being

why do i have a feeling emma may be a figment of his imagination?

sir, she's bleeding

damn luke's so hot as he's profiling

WHAT? Okay I did not see that coming

BRO I KNEW IT EMMA'S A FIGMENT

luke and the megaphone!! i repeat, luke and the megaphone!!

lol i just realized this show is always sending luke and jj into very dangerous situations

wait this ep is so good man, the plot's amazing and heartbreaking at the same time, we got garvez nuggets, em's hilarious, and aisha's directing is goddamn incredible

NO WAY, THERE'S ANOTHER KIT?

elias is such a good villain, damn

lawyer man, maybe listen to the scary man? don't open it?

and as jill walks in, we continue the trend in this show of david rossi's ex-girlfriends showing up years later to shock him (oh god they’re gonna get married, aren’t they)

tara and luke be like "who's this lady?"

OKAY I'M SO EXCITED FOR NEXT WEEK LFG

[scientia-rex]

Some Thoughts on Antipsychotic Medications

Ok, enough of you seemed interested in this when I asked in my antidepressant post (don't ask me for a link, search my goddamn tumblr for it, oh my GOD people were so lazy about my post on bariatric surgery). Once again, this is NOT medical advice, medical advice must be TAILORED TO THE INDIVIDUAL, that's the whole POINT of a professional field, literally every answer is "it depends" and without being your doctor, which I better not be because if you're my patient reading this I need to nuke my entire social media presence, I can't give you good advice and I wouldn't anyway because I already work 115% time and I'm very tired and you don't pay me.

There's a lot of crossover between "antipsychotic" and "mood stabilizer." I don't have as much experience with antipsychotics as I do with antidepressants, but more than your average bear. So you may see a med here and go "wait, what?" because of that overlap.

It's also worth discussing what psychosis is. There are a lot of media representations, and they are generally very stupid and bad. About 3% of the population will have a psychotic episode in their lifetime, so keep that in mind when you're talking about psychosis. There's about a 1 in 30 chance that the person you're talking to will actually have had psychosis, and a much higher chance that someone they know or love will. So don't be a dick about it. Psychosis involves losing the ability to distinguish what is reality and what is not. It seems to involve overactivity of dopaminergic transmission in specific brain pathways. It tends to be very frightening for its sufferers, although not always. Psychotic symptoms can range from a persistent delusion--I have one patient who is quite simply certain that they have worms in their lungs, despite all the tests indicating that they don't--to hallucinations of voices, to visual hallucinations, and any combination of those. Delusions and hallucinations are often negatively valenced, which means that they make the sufferer feel bad in some way, whether it's an auditory hallucination of someone telling you you're the devil, or a delusion that you're being persecuted by conspiracies for unclear reasons, or hallucinations of shadowy figures out of the corner of your eye. Delusions, when I see them in my patient, often reflect a patient's deepest fear. I had one patient who was a caregiver and they were fixated on the idea that there was a conspiracy of people watching them and setting up "tests" to make sure they weren't hurting patients or doing drugs.

It's also worth mentioning meth. Meth is one of the major causes I see of psychotic symptoms (especially since I'm in a rural area), and you need to understand that the longer and the more you do meth, the higher the likelihood of persistent psychotic symptoms. When I was a med student on an inpatient high-acuity psych ward, I had a very pleasant gentleman who'd been doing meth for years. It's tough to get a clear history, but my impression was that he probably hadn't developed psychotic symptoms until multiple years into daily use of meth--but now, despite being on the ward for over a week, there was no sign of the psychosis going away. He believed he could say things to passing cars and the sound would travel with the car, and someone miles away would hear it. He also believed there were indistinct white figures who hovered around his campsite. (He was homeless.) Meth can break your brain. Don't do meth.

The original antipsychotics are old school. We're talking the 1930s. Promethazine was developed in the process of trying to come up with antihistamines. First-generation antipsychotics are dopamine antagonists, and that means that they're blocking a large proportion of dopaminergic transmission both in the brain pathways related to psychotic symptoms, but also in the pathways related to reward, which sucks. When you think of "antipsychotics," this is most likely what you're thinking of unless you have personal experience with antipsychotics. First-generation antipsychotics include haloperidol (Haldol), chlorpromazine (Thorazine), and a handful of others, but it's a smaller class than the second generation.

Second-generation antipsychotics were a game changer. These are serotonin-dopamine antagonists. They include risperidone (Risperdal), paliperidone (Invega-Sustenna), quetiapine (Seroquel), aripiprazole (Abilify), olanzapine (Zyprexa), lurasidone (Latuda), ziprasidone (Geodon), and also clozapine, AKA the antipsychotic everyone hates prescribing because it can cause your white blood cells to suddenly go bye-bye and boom, you're at huge risk for infection. The only patient I've ever seen develop clear, unambiguous serotonin syndrome was on clozapine. I don't prescribe it as an outpatient family doctor; it's a medication of last resort, and more often seen in inpatient settings due to the need for frequent blood tests to monitor.

Because the brain is a great recycler, we also use dopamine in the control of our movements. This means that one of the more serious side effects of antipsychotics is a problem with movement. This is typically going to be something called "tardive dyskinesia," which means "slow messed up movement," but in Greek because we're fancy. TD is dreaded because we can't always reverse it. A medication called benztropine can help, but the better option, if at all possible, is to get someone off the medication that called the TD in the first place.

If you're keeping track, you're noticing that dopamine does a lot in the brain: the reward pathway, psychotic symptoms, movement. Your body also uses it for stuff outside the brain, like affecting gut motility and blood vessel dilation. It is really hard to come up with medications that only affect one thing, because the body will use the same messaging systems over and over. This is a big part of why there's some much cross-talk between medications that are ostensibly for one thing but used for many other things.

First-generation antipsychotics can be particularly bad about making people feel flat and incapable of feeling joy. The technical term for "incapable of feeling joy" is "anhedonia," Greek again, this time for "no happiness." This is incredibly punishing and people will often go off their meds in order to feel something. I don't want to hear any bullshit blaming people who do this. You probably would too, and learning not to throw rocks from a glass house is critical to being a decent fucking human being. However, it does mean that I have much more success keeping patients on second-generation antipsychotics. There is both a lower risk of anhedonia and a lower risk of TD, so in general, unless someone doesn't respond to second-generation antipsychotics, they won't be started on a first-generation. I have absolutely used first-gen antipsychotics for patients but they're more typical in the inpatient setting, where it's okay--and sometimes a good thing--if someone is sedated. One memorable example was in an emergency department where a woman was violent and had to be restrained with both physical restraints and a spit hood. We can't just go around sedating people these days--that's a whole-ass thing, because for a long time "treatment" in inpatient facilities was too often taken to be "sedation"--but boy howdy, she needed some Haldol.

I also work part time at the county jail, and while I again try hard not to use first-generation psychotics in patients who didn't come in on them, there are patients who actively request Haldol because they hate how being totally wound up and psychotic feels. I write for them to have as-needed oral doses. This means if they ask the jail nurse for it, they can get it, and it helps immensely.

The leading cause of death for patients with mental illness is heart disease. Antipsychotics tend to cause weight gain, and that is not only psychologically distressing to my patients because we live in a fatphobic world, it's probably related to worsened insulin function. Unfortunately, just putting everyone on an antipsychotic on preventative metformin (a medication that improves insulin sensitivity) also didn't work when we tried it, so we don't do that. But it's scary. I'm actually really hopeful that this new GLP-1 agonist med class that's in constant shortages because it causes weight loss (Ozempic, Wegovy, etc.) will be an option to help improve long-term health for psychotic patients. Some antipsychotics are worse than others for weight gain, but there are few genuine head to head comparisons of effectiveness, so I can't say "X works better than Y," we just have to pick one based on a) my familiarity with it and b) whether it seems like a good idea. I also feel it is better to be fat than dead, so if someone needs one of the more fat-inducing antipsychotics to live their life and/or have a decent quality of life, I'll prescribe it and I fucking dare you to talk shit, I will eat you.

My clinical experience has been that Seroquel and Abilify are the best-tolerated antipsychotics. I don't know why. Someone else might, but those are the ones I usually reach for unless someone is having really severe symptoms, in which case I think risperidone works faster. Data are, again, generally pretty weak.

But mostly I want you to remember that psychosis is not a funny punchline, "psychotic" is a shitty fucking insult to use, and someone you know and love probably has psychosis. Some people have a single break and it never happens again, some people can control it with medication, some people need to be institutionalized. It's a life-changing illness and people with severe psychosis, yes, even the weird ones who scare you, are still human beings whose lives have exactly the same inherent value as yours, and who deserve the exact same inalienable human rights as you do. Any other approach is garbage. Human rights are not negotiable.

[tsunderesalty]

Hi! It's my turn, dear friend!

Top five television dramas of all time :)

Oh, you have hit a major interest of mine!

1: Psych! I have never loved a show so much that I rewatch it at least once a year! I literally grew up on Psych, and it's defined so much of my humor, for better or worse. It also started my interest in the supernatural, with how Shawn is depicted as a fake psychic. Not only is it one of my favorite drama TV shows of all time, it's one of my favorite TV shows period!

2: Wednesday! It's for some reason technically classified as a comedy show, but it's very much a drama show too! As much as I absolutely despise how some things happened in the show, I can't fault it too much. I mean, it did give me my favorite ship of all time in the form of Wednesday Addams/Enid Sinclair.

3: Bones! I fucking adore Bones so much, I love so much of the plot and the characters (Booth, Angela, and Hodgins, my beloveds!) are just so absolutely incredible! I watch the show at least once every two years and enjoy it each and every time!

4: NCIS! NCIS is actually what started my love for TV dramas. Years back, my parents used to watch it all the time, and I just absolutely fell in love with DiNozzo's character, which eventually made me fall in love with the show altogether!

I'm including NCIS: Los Angeles in this entry because that show has made me laugh so goddamn much but has hit me so goddamn hard at the same time, too (Sam's wife...)

5: Leverage! Again, another show that's pretty much a dramatic comedy, but it's really grown on me since I first watched it! It's so fucking good, has so many amazing jokes and plotlines, and has pretty incredible rewatch value! Leverage: Redemption is a really good follow-up to Leverage!

[justmenoworries]

Lore Olympus Episode 252 Spoilers

Trigger Warning: Discussion of sexual assault and sexual assault mention!

Why is there never a trigger warning on these goddamn episodes until someone yells at RS???

This is the third episode where SA is thematized pretty heavily and yet RS doesn't feel the need to take two fucking seconds to warn readers who might potentially be negatively affected. Does this woman ever sit down to think about what she's written???

Also, why the hell are we pretending Persephone was ever interested in Apollo? What is with this retcon bullshit concerning Apollo lately??? @genericpuff made a post a short time ago that explains what's wrong with the Apollo-thing better than I ever could and I encourage you to read it, but to abbreviate: It's disgusting how victim blame-y the narrative has become when it comes to Apollo and Persephone. Persephone was never interested in Apollo, if anything she actively disliked him from the start. Apollo is denying that's the case, because of course he is. He's a rapist, that's what the majority of rapists do, they put the blame for what they've done onto the victim to escape consequences. The narrative should not be backing him up on his point of view like it's currently doing.

On another, slightly lighter note.

I like this comic's depiction of Kassandra. Her relationship with Apollo showcases how much a narcissist he is and how he's all take no give brilliantly. Giving Kassandra her powers largely so she can be his personal prophecy-machine, but making it so nobody ever believes her and so her powers are only of use to Apollo is a really clever way of showcasing Apollo's selfishness and cruelty.

Loved Kassandra giving him sass and I'm totally rooting for a Kassandra/Psyche friendship in the future.

So the child in Tartarus is Melinoe. That... raises several questions. Did Hades magically impregnate Persephone? How??? And why and how are Melinoe with Kronos???

[applestorms]

EVANGELION.

context: i just (as in, within an hour of beginning this post) finished watching evangelion, including both the tv series & the end of evangelion the movie. i have not read the manga, or watched any of the remake (?) movies yet (though i plan to shortly). my brain is thus running at like mach 10 rn trying to keep all of these thoughts in order, so to preserve these initial reflections while they're still fresh, here is the evangelion post. no worries if you're following me for other stuff, we'll be back to regular programming soon enough, but i can't let this shit stew on my own for much longer.

SUMMARY: 7 sections, on agency, sartre, shounen expectations, freud & generational trauma, queer shit, hope, & anime budgets. obvious spoiler warning.

1. agency (does shinji actually have any choices?)

this idea is one of the first to stand out to me while watching, and was also the most personally satisfying to watch develop since it only gained relevancy throughout the series + held major significance in EoE.

essentially: every single time that shinji has a "darkest hour" moment throughout the series, typically revolving around him not wanting to fight/kill/destroy/etc. while piloting the eva, someone around him will tell him that it is his decision whether or not he wants to continue fighting. most often this person is misato, though there is also an instance of kaji doing it in the later part of the show. significantly, while this "choice" is always framed as a decision that shinji himself is allowed to make, to join their forces and fight or not, it is very clearly not actually a decision at all- even ignoring the obvious...emotional stress of telling a 14 year old that he can either get back in the goddamn robot no matter how traumatizing it is to him and fight or single-handedly cause the extinction of humanity, shinji can never truly leave nerv and this only becomes more apparent the more time that passes.

that's all quite obvious in my mind, but what's notable here is the progression, both in terms of how the decision itself is presented to him, and how the continual fake-out of giving shinji any actual agency carves at his psyche.

in terms of the first, it is very clear, above all else, that shinji absolutely does not want to fight in the fuckign robot, which is demonstrated through the fact that every single time he is given the "choice" to leave, he takes it and runs away, no matter how dire the situation is. shinji does not want to be a shounen protagonist, dammit, but time and time again he is dragged back into the same position and, most importantly, taught that his choices mean nothing. from the first few episodes where he runs away from home, to EoE where misato drags him through a parking lot and throws him into an elevator while telling him to fight, time and time again shinji's agency is violently taken away from him in the name of the continuation? transformation? of humanity, and i think that from his complete lack of desire to do literally anything in EoE we can tell he is aware of this.

what's really significant about all of this, then, is the way that this message influences the few instances where shinji actually does have some semblance of agency. in particular, i'm thinking about the gay angel (THE GAY ANGEL) and the ending of EoE.

so, first: the gay angel. kaworu. i say "semblance of agency," since shinji is kind of just given the same decision here as everywhere else, but this one is presented pretty & executed (ouch) pretty differently so i wanna talk about it.

kaworu is a very different character from everyone else in the cast for the primary reason that he is not particularly caught up in his own bullshit. he shows up at a time when shinji basically has no one (the trust "darkest hour" of the whole series, really) and is notable in that he openly and easily gives him love and time when no one else is really able to. this could in part be attributed to his status as an angel, but i think it goes further too- more on this in the section about generational trauma.

anyways, the decision to kill kaworu is phrased very differently from the previous "choices" offered to shinji by misato. rather than telling shinji that he has a choice in the same vague terms as before, to fight or not fight, kaworu kinda just tells him straight up- either he can kill kaworu, the one person who mutually loves and cared for him at a time when literally no one else was able to and thereby give humanity a chance at continuation, or he can hold off and let kaworu live but cause the destruction he has been pulled into staving off for the entire series. loneliness or annihilation- those are shinji's two choices here, and kaworu is very open about which one he prefers, citing the good that humanity has brought forward. i actually think that misato is wrong in her interpretation of this scene (lots of misato slander here whoops, i swear i love her)- kaworu isn't offering up his life here out of a lack of care for himself, but rather an overwhelming care for shinji as an individual and humanity as a collective.

from shinji's perspective though, this is basically the same agonizing moral dilemma he has been forced to "decide" for the last 16 angels, and he knows by this point what the answer is supposed to be. it's what's so truly tragic about this moment to me- even if kaworu meant this to be a genuine decision for shinji to make, accepting the consequences of his choice fully either way, shinji was never going to be able to see it that way after having the "correct" answer forced upon him again and again. he might be able to scramble for a justification in the aftermath, rationalizing it as his own (supposedly) disgusting need for validation, but he was never actually allowed to decide any other way and he knows it. even if shinji would ultimately choose in favor of the continuation of humanity & continue fighting, the decision itself is so tainted* by this point that it doesn't really matter, since no one could ever really know the truth.

*(this lack of a decision could also be attributed to an inability for anyone to truly trust shinji- see section 2 on sartre for more on this dissonance.)

there is, however, one instance where shinji truly is given an actual choice, which coincidentally also includes kaworu but also rei at the end of EoE. here the choice is a bit different though, instead being between the continuation of humanity in its collective, gelatinous blob state or broken back up into separate entities.

since humanity has already been eradicated (hey callback to kaworu's presence marking the ultimate end of humanity, he came back for more than just to comfort shinji & be a thematic parallel to denote his "true" choices), i think shinji is able to view this decision much more clearly and thus seems a lot more satisfied with his ultimate choice. there's a lot of nuances to this of course, as evidenced by the ending with asuka, but past that i think the fact that both the tv series & EoE end with shinji coming to some sort of satisfied (if mostly theoretical) conclusion that seems to leave him with a marginally happier emotional state is pretty meaningful, especially considering just how little emotional development these characters go through in general (see sections 3 & 4).

what's particularly satisfying about all this though is the fact that shinji seems to actually engage with this idea himself in one of previously mentioned conclusions. the ending of the tv show is essentially just shinji realizing that he does in fact have agency and has had it all along, even if not in the biggest/most overwhelming situations he was forced into. personally, i read this as shinji not only becoming consciously aware of his own learned helplessness, but also the fact that he has actually been making decisions for himself all along and is able to continue doing so, that he can take back his agency for himself through the conscious decision to keep making meaningful connections with others- a very beauvoirean conclusion, which is gonna become real significant real fast as we get into this next section. up next: sartre.

2. sartre (shinji/asuka/rei as no exit, ft. good place parallels)

no exit is a 1944 existentialist play written by the french philosopher jean-paul sartre. in it, three people (two women, & one man, by the names of estelle, inez, and garcin) are sent to hell and locked in a room together, destined to torture one another for the rest of eternity. the most well known line from it is likely "Hell is other people," a conclusion the character garcin comes to near the end of the play as the group realizes the truth of their circumstances.

there are some obvious connections here- the three main characters from no exit pretty easily map onto the three main pilots (estelle -> asuka, garcin -> shinji, and more lightly inez -> rei). the cycle of torture even follows as well, with a possible interpretation of the pilots' dynamic being that asuka tortures shinji (see section 5; tldr it's all the degradation), rei tortures asuka (her silence heightening asuka's insecurities), and shinji tortures rei (less obvious, but hinted at through things like rei's emotional attachment to shinji which seems to at least scare her for how strange it is).

past that though, the sartrean elements of this story become super fucking clear in the last few episodes, coming down to two big ideas that shinji frets over: freedom as a curse, and hell as other people.

the "condemnation of freedom," idea is kind of tied up with the whole shinji agency thing discussed in section 1, and since i don't think i can elaborate on it much more here without doing a whole deep dive on the philosophy, i'll just focus on the second idea, especially since it's one of the emotional cores that the story revolves around.

the idea that "hell is other people," as stated by garcin in the original play really comes down to one main factor and that is the dissonance between how we view ourselves & how other people view us. in the show, this is presented through the hedgehog allegory (also related to western philosophy but i know sartre better so i'm gonna keep talking about him here) and the idea that in the process of getting closer to one another we also hurt each other more, but i think the sartrean idea lends a bit more light onto the whole conflict of perspectives thing that the hedgehog idea along misses out on.

it's pretty clear imo that shinji has some kind of social anxiety, or at the very least is dealing with a lot of the normal anxiety that comes with growing up and beginning to desire validation (from your peers, from your guardians, etc.). the entire point of EoE as a film and seemingly the very basis for the concept of AT fields is the idea that humanity is separate, with individual humans never being able to truly connect with one another. ignoring the more esoteric & absurd ways this is portrayed in-movie, this idea is pretty easy to get on board with- relationships change over time, people fight and become close and fall apart, and that is largely just a natural fact of life. again, the inability to accept this fact is going to be examined more in section 4, but i think shinji is key in connecting the hedgehog thing to sartre.

near the end of EoE, when everyone is getting exploded into orange goop and melted into the human soup, it is notable that the way everyone gets incorporated is by a rei transforming into the person that they seem to have wanted to connect with the most (shinji's dad with his mom, but also maya w/ akagi and hyuga w/ misato), again tying back to that theme of desiring a more "true"/deeper connection between people. at the end of the tv series, however, this is slightly different due to the look we get into shinji's mind. specifically, shinji doesn't just desire a relationship (platonic, romantic, and/or sexual) or validation from other people, but is caught up in the way that he is perceived by others. the separation between people is thus torturous to him not in how it means he can't truly connect with other people, but in how he can't control the ways that other people view or understand or react to him.

i think this is a part of why shinji seems to have a much easier time with his end decision in EoE- despite all the underlying freudian psychosexual development shit that permeates through some of the weirder parts of NGE, shinji seems to me to care a lot more about how other people view him than the specific types of connections he is able to make, e.g. he still considers his relationship with asuka to be a key point of meaning in his life, despite how turbulent/messy it is. for a kid who struggled with social interactions a lot growing up, any deeper connection is pretty meaningful to him by this point, and it shows. this also could be attributed to being a part of the greater influence of kaworu, as the fact that he cared so deeply and so meaningfully about shinji (and the opposite as well) may have been proof to him that any "deeper" connections aren't really necessary or worthwhile, even before he got mixed up into the people soup.*

*ALSO: didn't think about this until later, but there's also the whole process of connecting with the evas that the pilots have to go through to think about here.

**ALSO 2: if you didn't already know, the good place is also very overtly based on no exit. this means there's actually a kinda random parallel between tgp & evangelion in that they both happen to add a fourth individual through the introduction of a fourth dude (jason & kaworu respectively) that mixes shit up even more. neat.

so, speaking of the various endings:

3. the ending does make some sense, actually (dropping shounen expectations)

one of the things that i was most impressed by while watching evangelion, especially around the mid-point of the tv series around the time that asuka is introduced, is the fact that they were able to make what would otherwise be pretty standard anime fan service a genuinely meaningful part of the story's underlying themes, in particular those related to the freud shit (getting there soon, i promise) but also just the general connections to biology and humanity and development.

i don't think evangelion should be watched or understood like a traditional shounen show, and in fact it kind of goes against the underlying emotional core of story to try and force that kind of reading onto it. like, okay, take shinji for example- like i said a couple sections back, one of shinji's key character traits is the fact that he doesn't want to be a fucking shounen protagonist and hates being forced into that position, but keeps getting dragged back to nerv and EVA 01 anyway.

i think it's notable that the few moments where shinji has what might be considered a "traditional" epic shounen hero moment could very easily be read as not even being shinji's own actions in the first place, but the eva itself due to them 1. not showing shinji's face during the moment, just his fear before and trauma after, and 2. being motivated by shinji's extreme fear, giving more of the vibe of a mother protecting her child than shinji making progress on his own.

none of the main cast really seem to go through any super significant character development throughout the entirety of both the show and movie, actually- the closest we get is whatever the hell rei was doing and the breakthroughs in thought that shinji has at the very very end of either production, but that's about it.

what i think makes this important is the fact that it points towards what the actual emotional core that the show centers around. what sets evangelion apart from other shounen shows, imo, is the fact that it takes a hard look at the apocalyptic world that it created and really takes the time to reflect on how that kind of trauma would actually influence its characters. i haven't seen a ton of in-depth negative reviews of the ending of NGE, but i'm guessing that a major factor in the potential frustration with the ending is the fact that it drops a lot of the overt plot elements in favor of more a more abstract look into shinji's mind. but i think that look is entirely the point of the ending- it was never really about the robots, or at least not by the end of the series, so the ending focuses on the emotional payoff of at least one character instead to find the barest glimmer of hope leftover.

this is part of why i find kaworu to be such a significant character- one of the key conclusions that shinji seems to come to at the end of the tv series is the idea that "you have to love yourself in order to love other people," but i actually don't know if that's entirely true or even demonstrated in the series. kaworu is the first person to really demonstrate to shinji that he is capable of loving and being loved, and despite the tragedy of that relationship, i think it was a core part of shinji's eventual first step towards self-acceptance.

4. freud & generational trauma (everyone is ultimately just an abused child)

ok fuck it, i've been talking about this for ages, let's just fucking get to it already.

i'm nowhere near an expert on freud, really i only have a pretty baseline understanding (thanks to a high school ap psych class) of the psychosexual stages of development thing that the show references a lot in the later parts (the oral fixation thing w/ misato, etc.), so rather than looking into the details of that, i think the big thing here for me is how the use of freud influences the ideas that the show focuses on. namely, as we see through the last few episodes of the tv series: everyone is just a sad, traumatized, abused kid.

i also think that what the inclusion of all the freud shit ultimately does for this series is give it a big emphasis on biological human development and family relations, which feels especially significant in how it can tie into a more subtle, but imo still very important idea: generational trauma, told through the story of the end of the world.

what i like about this idea is that it's really where the story begins, chronologically in the timeline and in episode 1 with shinji & gendo. the idea then evolves and expands the more parent/child relationships we learn about, from misato and her father to asuka, akagi, and, at least in part, rei.

similar to how the series utilizes its religious themes & imagery to get back to the origins/sources of humanity (namely adam & lilith), i like to think of the second impact as the source of this initial trauma. because of the second impact, we are basically guaranteed that every single adult present in the series has dealt with some degree of trauma, though in many cases this expands to other things as well (e.g. gendo struggling with social connections & misato's tricky relationship with her father, both of which are established pre-impact).

what's really big though is how this initial trauma influences the next generation of kids, especially the main trio of eva pilots (& their respective mother-related machinery) but really all of their classmates as well. toji, to some degree kensuke, really every kid born after or around the time of the second impact seems to similarly deal with the echoes of this initial trauma. if you want to, you could maybe even relate back to the very first impact of the lilith egg as a source as well, each new impact being an echo of the previous through the continuation of generational traumas.

TLDR: the freud shit doesn't have to just be freud shit, the fucked up family relations can be read through the lens of generational trauma as well.

5. queer shit (THE GAY ANGEL)

when i say queer shit here i'm really talking about gender roles, which is ESPECIALLY important when talking about shinji's two main crushes: kaworu and asuka (sticking with those two for now since they're the most overt, but they're not necessarily the only ones you can read into btw).

the big thing here is that imo the main factor that makes shinji's relationship with asuka (in particular, but really all of the women in the show) so difficult is the weight that heterosexual relationships have. again, much of evangelion's imagery is heavily focused on biology, specifically in terms of development both as a baby is developed & in puberty, and i think that weight is felt in the awkward relationships shinji has with all the girls he's suddenly been surrounded by.

this is in part why i think it was so much easier for shinji to get on board with kaworu, and why the relationship itself was so meaningful to him- because there's no threat of MARRY A WOMAN BONE HAVE A CHILD REPRODUCE CONTINUE THE HUMAN RACE (the last one in particular being especially relevant in the post-apocalyptic hellscape they're all trapped in), shinji is able to focus entirely on the personal emotional aspects of the relationship and the ability to find meaning through human connection, which again is a very beauvoirean idea.*

*i think i kinda skipped over this in the sartre section but beauvoir was a contemporary of sartre that influenced a lot of his philosophy especially later on so the fact that shinji's end conclusion seems so reminiscent of beauvoir is very satisfying.

this is not to say that shinji's relationship with asuka or any of the women around him wasn't meaningful or revolving around genuine feelings on his part, just that the weight of social expectations particularly in the context of male/female gender roles is a constant factor at the back of his mind when trying to navigate all these new social situations.

this is also not just an issue that shinji deals with- asuka herself is constantly the one to call shinji out for not being enough of a real man, which shinji actually rarely mentions all that directly, only caring when asuka herself mentions it, and i personally read her struggles with sexuality and desire to be seen as an adult as a part of her deeper issues with the woman gender role. misato kind of deals with the same thing actually, and even akagi in how they all have such tricky relationships with their own sexuality and the men around them. again, i think the whole dissonance between differing perceptions idea is relevant here, especially when considering the ways that women deal with objectification, both in terms of how others view them and how they're taught to present themselves.

6. no development but lasting hope? (making sense of EoE)

i kind of already talked about this, but expanding on the idea that everyone is ultimately still just an abused kid looking for solutions to the problems they were raised to have, i think it's significant within the imagery of the show that the world post-second impact is eternally spring/summer, meaning that even the environment the characters are trapped in itself is unable to develop or grow, stuck in the same cycle of infancy & puberty with no real adulthood. the constant threat of the angels and/or third impact also adds to this, with characters rushing to get married and form relationships (as misato & akagi talk about in one episode) but never getting the chance to properly grow old before they die.

this implies however that the existence of an autumn/winter is potentially in the future, that growth can come eventually and hope is still present. i'm not entirely sure yet what to make of the ending of EoE- i actually really like how the tone shifts so drastically immediately following such an emotionally heavy, complicated sequence, but i also don't think it's entirely without hope. it's the same old as before, maybe a relapse, maybe a reaction the traumas that initially happened, but. i mean she doesn't actually die??? my big conclusion is still a work in progress i suppose.

7. bonus: this isn't low budget it's goddamn beautiful, watch utena

i've been writing this "short reflection" for like two days straight already, this section is basically just the title. watch utena for more fucked up shit with an actually low budget. frankly this video explains the low budget thing better and has a better justification so i'll just direct you there. (yes this connection is about the therapy elevators.)

[ram-to-the-ham]

The Sergeants… Different

The newest Sergeant on their little rag-tag team is an odd one to say. It’s not that Kyle thinks he’s weird or anything it’s just… he has some abnormalities about him. He mutters to himself, and is often seen staring off into space. Almost like he’s looking at someone.

One time Kyle was rounding the corner to the gym in the very early hours of the morning. When he heard a very passionate bout of whisper shouting coming from a familiar voice echoing in the gym. He discreetly peaked around the corner to catch Soap furiously pacing back and forth muttering about something or another. Kyle couldn’t really remember for the life of him, but it bewildered him so much that he made a break for it back to his own room on the base.

Another quirk was Soaps over protectiveness of this ratty bloodstained journal he kept on his person at all times. And he wished he was exaggerating but, Soap had that thing with him everywhere. The exception was for when they were in the showers but other than that, you couldn’t see the sergeant without knowing that that journal was somewhere on his person. Did he mention that Soap is extremely over protective of it? Because he very much is. Kyle watched Soap nearly snap a recruits wrist in half because the dumbass thought to try to swipe the journal from one of Soaps tac-vest pockets. He remembered seeing Soap mumble something to the other before the recruit scurried away with his tail between his legs.

The sergeant wasn’t the only weird thing going on either. Ever since Soap joined, Kyles noticed that things have been almost moving on their own? He hasn’t said a word to anyone else about it lest he bent sent for a psych eval. But cupboards he swore were closed when he saw them, became open the moment he wasn’t looking. Pencils he knew had been on the table of the common room are now over on the counter. It’s nothing major but it’s driving him up the goddamn walls. And he can’t say a fucking word about it.

It just seems an air of bizarreness seems to follow their new Scottish sergeant like a lost pup. But Kyle can’t find it in himself to blame Soap for any of it. The man isn’t mean or off putting by any other regard, and frankly he’s one of the nicest people Kyle has ever met. He’s a bit cocky and smart mouthed, but he’s insanely smart and has a bleeding heart that it makes Kyle wonder how he ever survived in the military. Despite his quirks however, Kyle thinks Soap will be a good addition to their already eccentric team.

[sysmedsaresexist]

So I saw this post going around a bit ago saying that it was endo/nondisordered systems that spread support for osddid systems and pushed for more research of traumagenic systems and idk how true that is considering back then, systems were under the MPD dx before they changed the dx in the DSM. MPD was not the same thing as an endo system, but rather most likely either a traumagenic osddid system that didn’t have a proper understanding bc psychologists didn’t get it yet or a person w bpd schema modes that people misunderstood as an osddid system. (Not to say that systems with bpd don’t exist, we’re one such system, but the two are not the same thing). Idk. I feel like it’s in bad faith for endos to say “we’re responsible for why you have research at all btw”. I’m almost positive it’s just regular traumagenic systems who did not have the same knowledge and research we have now pushing for that/fighting for ourselves.

I'm not sure if I'm misreading or misunderstanding, feel free to correct me! There's a few points I'm going to touch on, though, just to cover all the bases. Settle in.

This is actually a really common myth I see from endos-- that MPD either included endogenic systems, and/or that MPD didn't require distress or trauma, and that the change to DID excluded all these systems by... requiring dysfunction? This chart is often used to showcase the differences between the disorders and how the disorders became "more restrictive", excluding systems from the diagnosis.

Which is a weird argument-- If MPD supposedly pathologized all plural experiences by not including distress or trauma in its criteria, wouldn't you hate MPD more than DID? And yet there's a HUGE community of systems that prefer the MPD diagnosis over DID for weird reasons.

However.

The truth of the matter is that MPD and DID are the exact same disorder, renamed. Even as MPD, it still required trauma and dysfunction for diagnosis (it even still talked about it being a childhood disorder), but even back then, no one read the whole goddamn entry for MPD. From the DSM III.

It's a very frustrating running theme.

The only thing that changed was the name, and it wasn't changed because they didn't believe in the diagnosis. All five were renamed to reflect a better understanding of the mechanisms behind the disorder and dissociation in general. I guess they didn't believe in any of these disorders.

What's really interesting is the changes that were made from the DSM III to the DSM III-TR (PDF). Here's a few choice changes for those on a phone.

(Most interesting to me are the changes to the amnesia criteria)

As you can see, the changes actually significantly expanded the criteria to include more presentations.

The DSM IV is where the name was changed to DID. In less than two years, the DSM IV TR would be released where all of the "cautionary" statements about overdiagnosis of DID would be removed, and we all know what the DSM 5 looks like.

SO.

What were endo/nondisordered systems doing around this time?

Why, being fucking douchebags of course.

The DSM IV was released in 1994, and in 1995, Astaeasweb was started. They were the first major group in this clusterfuck. They were the first to describe "non disordered" plurality, and soon after coined "natural multiplicity".

This was the start of the endogenic movement.

And all they did during that time was call for the boycott of MPD and DID.

"This DID boycott in particular held significance because it caused extreme harm to people with DID/OSDD. This boycott was intrinsically tied to both the anti-psych and natural multiplicity movements. Boycotters often held the belief that DID/OSDD weren’t real and should be removed from diagnostic manuals. Pages on natural and empowered multiplicity tended to go hand-and-hand with boycotting the DID diagnosis as well as boycotting psychiatry or psychology. As a result, this boycott impacted both society’s and psychology’s perceptions of DID/OSDD, and left lasting effects on the DID/OSDD community."

Pluraldeepdive, links and archives in post, check them out, they're an amazing resource.

It was around 1998 that the divide began between "empowered multiples" and "survivor multiples". This is where the real ableism started.

The 2000s introduced the "Healthy Multiplicity" movement. "The purpose of this movement was to establish that plural experiences were not pathological. Participants in this movement often insisted that childhood trauma or abuse could not cause plurality or multiplicity." [x]

This is where we start to see the rise of what is now the endo community, built off the boycott and definitions that were continually being twisted until they lost all meaning.

It went from, "MPD isn't a disorder," to "trauma doesn't define us," to "you don't need trauma at all".

And so it goes, on and on, until today.

A lot of these groups didn't call for more research and they twisted research that was already in use. In fact, in 2003, Pavillion, one of these groups, set their sights on the DID wiki. "The Pavilion organization used a system called action alerts to keep track of various DID-related events or articles. Pavilion members would then coordinately inject controversy and natural multiplicity theories into these spaces."

So in actuality, they were actively fighting and hindering research at the time.

I don't think it matters whether they were actually DID or not-- the point remains that people in these movements had nothing to do with the research we have now, and are in no way responsible for the scientific advancements we've seen.

It's in very bad faith for them to say that.

This has gotten long! I hope I covered everything. Feel free to reach out :)

[dave2olkat]

Hey, are you up for receiving an entire freaking essay about how you write Dirk and how fucking incredible it is? That was a rhetorical question, YOU'RE GETTING IT ANYWAY.

So. Dirk Strider. The absolute moron who sends himself back every iteration, gets increasingly splintered as a result, and is way too emotionally compromised to do anything about it at this point. I've noticed a lot of the characters draw inspiration from beyond canon, so we can refer to this Dirk as a sort of Ultimate self if I am not mistaken. The guy has memories from all past iterations rattling around his skull after all, and it is MESSING HIM UP BIG TIME!

Like, the man is going by a script at this point. Do this, and this happens as a result. Say this to a person and they'll react that way. Let Roxy leave so you can stay with Dave alone, stab him in the back, and leave him for dead so he gets off the empire's radar, make sure he doesn't actually bite it, and then he'll end up in the position most advantageous to him. He has a ship! A crew! A small support system! He's living his best life this iteration, and he has DIRK to thank for that! Never mind that most of his relationships were completely destroyed in the fallout. Never mind that he has accumulated major trauma from the carapacian war, and was betrayed by someone who he thought he could count on for anything, that's not important. Oh yeah, he hates Dirk's guts now, but he always calculated with that loss. He sacrificed his brother's trust in him and it sucks, it sucks and nobody understands, but it was to give him a happy life, so at the end of the day Dirk's the selfless hero!

And with that, I've accumulated my thoughts on what I think went through his head when he went through with this batshit awful plan. Dirk's literally so wrapped up in himself, that he can only think in terms of other's gain versus personal cost. I don't think he's selfish, no, from a certain perspective, he's far from it, because he's sacrificing the few things he holds dear for the few people he actually gives a shit about in all these loops. His relationships with said people. It's just that he is INCAPABLE of seeing how his decisions and attempts at helping them cause more pain and anguish, and eventually, the doom of the timeline. It's like at one point, he stopped seeing them as real people, with psyches that can be damaged, and feelings that can be things beyond 'I hate you now because you hurt me', and instead thinks of them as merely... puppets.

Because he's the only one who remembers. He's the one who can see the bigger picture, while his friends and family are caught up in the mundanity of each loop, living lesser lives, being lesser people. If only they knew, if only they understood like him, maybe they could be on equal footing, but no, he'd never wish this existence on anyone, and besides, even if they had all that intel they'd never really get it, because they aren't him. So it falls on him to save everyone, him and only him, no Grimmage, just because you have a handy helmet that spouts bullshit about the loops at you does not mean you have all the answers. This is Dirk's mission, Sollux would just fuck it up. Everybody needs to stay out of the goddamn way, you're saving this goddamn timeline. All those previous ones you doomed? They were just test runs, you know what you're doing now.

I just... LOVE how AUTHENTIC he feels in your fic. Like, I look at this guy and say 'Ah yes, that right there is textbook Dirk Strider behavior,' but you wrote him with motivations and a mindset that I can see combined with his Ultimate status. He's an incredible antagonist, and I can't wait for him to show up again, because I need Dave to go up to this guy and somehow slap some sense into him. Unlikely but hey. I want a happy ending for him too, let me hope.

 Okay, first of all, I loved this ask! I've put a lot of time and effort into writing Gold Pilot so if anyone has other essay-length asks or comments about the fic, go ahead and submit them, this monster AU deserves the attention. For anyone who hasn't read the fic, it's a Davesolkat Rebellion/Time Loop Au but it also will go deep into the other characters as well, particularly the Strider-Lalondes, so if you're into that, give it a read!

Okay, now onto Dirk- he's one of my fav characters in Homestuck okay, he's so complex! And I felt like they did him dirty in Beyond Canon and the Epilogues but at the same time they explored some hella interesting aspects of his character that have been in the main comic there all along, same with everyone else. Gold Pilot is MY take on how everyone's true 'Ultimate Self' would work and also them reaching their 'fullest potential' in a way? The situation is much different than in canon, of course, but overall I will try to deconstruct both, the Ultimate Self thing AND the classpect of their God Tier selves. This will happen to everyone, not just Davesolkat, though we WILL focus on those three because I have Davesolkat brainrot and Dave WILL be the only POV character because ‘unreliable narrator who might not have an idea of what’s going on’ is the best trope.

But Dirk- it's funny that you call him an antagonist because he's not that in the story. An antagonist opposes the hero/protagonist in some way, they're there as an obstacle to achieve their ultimate goal, but here's the thing, Dirk WANTS what everyone else wants. He wants an end to the Time Loops, he wants to protect his family and friends and help them reach the best version of themselves, and he also wants to kill the Condesce. Mainly because she's the one who kills Dave, Roxy and Rose, but also, because he recognizes that she's the TRUE threat in this AU (as far as we know). So no, technically, Dirk ISN'T the villain and he's helping everyone else fullfill their own goals, the role they will play in the Rebellion as it is, and he knows full well that they WON'T achieve that unless he's there to provide support.

You're right that he's sacrificing everything else to achieve this. He sacrificed Dave's trust on him, and Dave IS in probably the best position he can be because of it. Does Dave realize this at this point of the story? Probably not. There's hints that Dirk's actually going to be working with them further in on the timeline, but right now? Right now Dave thinks his brother is the person who ruined his life.

You're right in saying that Dirk's so completely wrapped up in himself, but I don't think he's incapable of seeing how his attempts at helping everyone are actually hurting them. I think he's well aware of this, and a part of him is well-aware that none of them will ever forgive him, but he's fine with this because this makes him an even more selfless hero. He does treat them as puppets, but I think he knows that he NEEDS them to be certain versions of themselves so they can properly fight the Condesce. Also, he's aware that even in this, they have a certain level of personal choice. Would he have been forced to stab Dave on the back if he HADN'T become a Treschutioner? We know Dave could have become an entertainer guy instead, and he would have STILL ended up with the Rebels. We've explored this with the Iteration Logs of the Solluxes, but the timelines are less a straight road where everything always happens the same way and more a collection of choices that give out wildly different results while still ending in the same way any way because the Condesce is such a menace, with everyone dead.

And he's another fun thing, Dirk doesn't ACTUALLY know about the helmet. Sollux has specifically kept him in the dark about it because he's convinced Dirk would exploit it if he knew about it, especially because the helmet's not only a device that spouts info about the timeloops. It's a goddamn database containing the research that EVERYONE Sollux has been able to contact has done in the past, what? 286 years or so. So yes, it's quite a powerful tool, but you're right, Mage doesn't have all the answers. And you can say that Mage's actually some kind of cheat code. It allows Sollux to have access to the memories of the loops WITHOUT all the trauma and emotional baggage that come with them, so if anything, I suppose that Dirk would think of it as the coward's way out.

Sollux quite literally decided to divide himself into two different people (or as different as two people can be when one does have all the memories of the other one) and has basically locked the part of himself that DOES remember in a digital prison/dimension, where it cannot harm anyone or control anyone else. What this has done to Mage, well, I think we’ve seen it already, so yes, one could argue that this is an incredibly selfish thing that Sollux did, meanwhile Dirk isn’t afraid to live with the consequences of his own actions, which automatically makes him the better man/hero.

As far as Dirk knows, Sollux DOES remember, he's just, you know, someone who will not do what is necessary to save the timeline. He's soft, he spends so much time trying to get along with everyone that he allows the people he loves to get killed every single time (though Dirk's doing the exact same thing, one could argue). They're more foils to each other that they're enemies, and it will be a lot of fun once we actually see them interact, because while Dirk does think Sollux is as easily manipulated as everyone else, and that he doesn't have what it takes to save everyone which is why it falls on HIM, Dirk does know that Sollux is the only person who knows him in a way. Who can recognize the sacrifice he's making and just what's at stake here, if he doesn't take exactly the same path he's taken every time to ensure everyone will be able to fight for as long as they can.

You're right on the money on the 'Dirk thinking all the other iterations are test runs for the real deal', because Dirk HAS found pretty much the 'best path' for everyone to take. We'll see more of it when we meet Rose, who IS still a very powerful seer in this AU and who also takes after him in a way, but yeah, the fantastic thing about Dirk is that he IS helping everyone and he does care. He's on Dave's side. He just, you know, also Dirk. That's why I've always found fascinating about his character, and what I liked about him in the actual comic. I feel like Beyond Canon let go of that fundamental part of him (the fact that he DOES care) and I'm using Gold Pilot to basically fix that? Basically how I think it should've been handled.

As for the happy ending- I don't think it's much of a spoiler that Gold Pilot WILL have one, because it's in the tags themselves lmao. 'Earn Your Happy Ending', they will get there, but it will take them a long time, and it won't happen in this iteration even. Dave WILL slap some sense into Dirk, but who knows, maybe it'll be Dirk who slaps some sense into him too before he does.

Once again, thank you for this analysis! I wouldn't say I'm the authority on how to write any of the Homestuck Characters, but I'm glad I at least got Dirk's character right :) as I said, he's one of my faves and his relationship with Dave will be explored and milked for all of its angst and comfort in this fanfic.

[echonk3]

999 Week 2023 - Junpei

so this is from the view of a fellow college student. also this is inspired by useless equations by Pensysto over on ao3 which please go read it is so good and the fic that turned me onto writing in second person

You know it’s common for people who went missing to come back changed and Junpei, the dude who you met who was like everybody, was no exception. 

No matter how much Googling you did to try and find out what the hell happened, the most you got was maybe this blurry photo from Nevada of somebody who was definitely Junpei. You’d recognize his Marty McFly outfit almost anywhere, considering that was a common outfit for him. But you can’t bring yourself to ask him about it. Both because the main place you see him is on campus, and because the few people who had been to his apartment say that they saw the recycling bin almost overflowing with beer cans. Not to mention, the time they found him drunk in one of the seemingly rare times he’s even at his place. One of them talked about him babbling about zeroes and gas masks and weapons and fire and puzzles and numbers, though another talked of him being cheerful yet talking about some dark topics.

Though, you think him being drunk is the only way he’ll sleep, because as the days go on his eye bags become darker and it gets to the point where he falls asleep during a class. It’s as if he was simply going through the motions. Goes to classes, neglecting the work he’s given, and then is spotted wandering or at a local bar.

This all may have taken place over the course of a few months, but it felt like a few days. And all of these lead to the spiralling rumours. Waterboarding due to water aversion and the talk of submarines making him recoil a bit and especially talk of the Titanic just bringing a look of absolute fear into his eyes, that he went insane but hasn’t been diagnosed with something even if the Psych majors keep saying that he likely has PTSD, that somehow Santa Claus kidnapped him (though it was from the dude who was near constantly high and who spouts bullshit half the time).

Another visit to his apartment brings a friend of yours talking to you about it, about “like there’s this corkboard with the red strings and everything. Something about a girl named Akane. There was like a bunch of random shit there, like mentions of the dude who killed his coworkers recently.” 

Junpei’s clothing starts to change, as if he just bought a bunch of random black clothes because they match everything instead of putting effort into his kinda shitty clothing choices. Some people say it’s better, but they haven’t seen the shit he’s been going through. They don’t know that he’s come from somebody with shitty jokes and the fashion sense of somebody who didn’t care to a clearly traumatized, likely alcoholic trying to find somebody.

And one day, like any other, you watch as a car comes to the curb, right as Junpei is walking by, his shoulders slumped and his hand limply hanging onto a bag. Out comes a hulking man, a girl with bright pink hair, a man with silver hair and a pretty lady who may be much older than you but goddamn.

He looks shocked as he sees them, and you think he’s stammering but you’re not in earshot and you don’t want to get closer lest you make it awkward. They’re saying something to him, and a minute later he takes a step forward, and almost immediately slumps over into the arms of the woman, dropping his bag and his head hanging over her shoulder. She pats him on the back, and ushers him into the car as the girl plucks his bag from the ground and they all join the two.

That was the last you’ve seen of him. All you know is that he’s dropped out, and you recognize the people from the blurry Nevada photo that’s now become embroiled in the case of the man who killed his coworkers during a death game. But you’re unable to ask Junpei about that now. 

You hope that he’s doing well now at least, you think as the clock turns to 12 for 2029, just a bit over a year after the day he came back.

[incarnateirony]

You know, "Me speaking divine octopus jibberish as holy revelation isn't the FIRST time someone's challenged my sanity about this" is not, in fact, the dunk someone thinks it is.

It's time to start listening.

She "wants to learn" but will not read the works, only skimming hashtags and trite lines from tumblr, a literal memefication of a deity who can only feed her backwash from an ex, without her understanding a source, just something heard, and held.

That's Not Radio.

Never in my life have I seen someone so obsessed with their delusions that they

Claim to be a priestess of

A deity they stole a 2003 jibberish joke from someone else without being there or understanding

wanting to learn it

after having 20 years of opportunity

but then refusing to read it when provided

directly by him, out of attempted mercy, for weeks

No medium pacifies her but the one between her own ears that she has told herself

No other word of priestess, practicioner, history, dogma, religion, teaching, philosopher, or psychologist studied in those 20 abandoned years matter to her. Only the words in her mind matter.

Shealyn, I don't know how to explain, this is definitionally being mentally unwell and refusing to change something that is fully in your power to do if you admit the obvious truth.

Psychosis. The literal refusal of reality and all other perspective, especially more studied and globally accepted ones, in favor of hearing voices, especially ones disproven as hilariously faulty, is the definition of psychosis.

You do not want to look at it (being, you know, the doctrine you simultaneously claim to want to learn but refuse to open because it is inconvenient), because you know the truth of the summation of it, and always have, but you're acting like a retarded P4 character screaming "you're not me!" at a shadow of my anime obsession you made.

Also please don't show both of us, yourself included, your level of ignorance and blindness in this by saying or thinking "no u". One of us is working, and making visible acts, within his domains, according to majority and historical understanding of him in full breadth, with compliments of his works explaining it infused. The same one is also following the majority of psychology understanding and methods, for completion in both mythic and mundane schools. Someone who's path has been the open road, who does Works in Psych and Socials. That fulfills the role of Teacher--with actual material and medium, not stout claims, vague sweeps, and invitations to pay you for further mysticism once your madness is kept vague.

The other is trying to shitpost, make merch, and spew octopus jibberish while stealing her ex's jokes and calling it prophecy, says she's been questioned on sanity before, refuses to look at either mythic or psychology teachings even of the deity she thinks she wants to follow--it's like she knows, and can't face it, and no one cares enough to pull her out of it in her direct life. It's sad.

If after 20 years you are still refusing to open a god's dogma beyond tumblr shitposts because you are afraid of what lies within, perhaps you should stop pretending to follow that god.

We tell Christians the same shit.

Figure it out, dumbfuck. You're literally choosing insanity when this is inside your control. You don't HAVE to be insane. You are CHOOSING to disappear into it. That's it. That's the whole point, you fucking idiot.

Goddamn insane ass unoriginal mind-void octopus jibberish spewing cunt, oh my god. The retard had him literally drop the book she claimed she wanted to learn on her head in 3 media forms and the retard is still going 'huh i can't see' and is still such a hopeless, empty cunt she is CLINGING TO HER OCTOPUS JIBBERISH BRANDING. How fucking vapidly delusional does she have to be.

GIRL

HE AND I ARE NOT THAT INTO YOU. HE HAS TRIED TO BE AS KIND AS INHUMANLY POSSIBLE.

HE MIGHT ACTUALLY GET THE FUCK INTO YOU IF YOU CAN ACTUALLY BE ASSED TO READ A GODDAMN BOOK ABOUT HIM INSTEAD OF COPY MY ANIME JOKES FOR HIM.

HE HAS LITERALLY THROWN THE BOOK AT YOU IN EVERY SINGLE FORM BUT YOU WILL NOT OPEN IT BECAUSE YOU DO NOT LIKE WHAT IT SAYS

BUT KEEP CLINGING TO YOUR OCTOPUS JIBBERISH HORSE SHIT BECAUSE YOU WON'T ADMIT YOU'RE STILL PSYCHOTICALLY IN LOVE WITH ME WHICH IS WHY YOU WERE STALKING MY BLOG FOR THREE YEARS AND ARE SO GODDAMN PISS-YOUR-PANTS HAPPY AND SMUG TO HAVE OUR ATTENTION AFTER THREE YEARS.

It's like I've been watching a god try to calmly dump a girl that didn't realize she'd been dumped years ago, and still trying to show her how to be better for herself in the future, while fighting her own problems caused in her reflection shit she can't comprehend cuz she hasn't studied, and the dumb cunt still is picking her nose.

[zenyteehee]

They say it takes 40 days to break a habit. Yesterday, I hit 40 days sober.

Part of me still hates it. Part of me is counting down the days until my drug test (that I don’t actually have scheduled yet, but it’ll be somewhere in February). I’ve realized over the past week that if I can fix my issues with sleep, fuck with my psych meds a bit, that it wouldn’t be nearly as hard to be sober…if I had a better work/life balance. I like my work. I like my life. My baseline mood is actually pretty good. It’s just that I work around 60 hours a week right now, and beginning February 12th, I will work 70-80 hours per week for 6 weeks straight (anybody’s guess if I will get any meaningful days off), and there is not a goddamn thing I can do about that. I am already pretty burned out as it is, and it is already hard enough to do hobbies at 60 hours —the things keeping me sober and my mental health more or less tolerable— so all bets are gonna be off with 70-80hrs/week. Never mind that when you’re looking a disease in the face that only responds to your treatment when it wants to and may one day decide to kill you just for shits and giggles, sometimes making everything about a flare —from the symptoms to the mental stress— just go the fuck away really is harm reduction.

But, part of me is really, really proud that I’m now 41 days sober. On days when I’m not consumed by work and school (and fighting off a whole ass breakdown cuz the stress while sober is unreal), I’m so much more present in my life. My mind feels sharper. I look in the mirror and I recognize myself. I don’t want to be so emotionally dependent on a substance like I was before December 17th. Feeling like I had to get baked or I was gonna have a bad night. Because at the end, it really didn’t help. But like I said…all bets are gonna be off come 80hr work weeks and concomitant minimal sleep, none of which is under my control, because any help there is better than burning out even more. Because if I burn out much more, I feel like I’ll lose the drive to establish a healthy relationship with substances.

I think the long term solution is gonna be many-fold. I can’t fix everything I need to right now. So the short term solution is gonna be harm reduction, fix what I can, some of the major drives (ie sleep) to use irresponsibly. Keep looking for other things I can remedy. Reestablish as healthy a relationship with weed as I can manage if and when I do resume it. Idk.

For now, at least, I’ve got 41 days sober.