#goddamnit why is there so much good fan art

[fatuifucker]

second stream: so empty that it's full

[art cr: kuroume_1024 on twt]

dom trans! streamer! scaramouche x sub fem-sex reader (they/them pronouns used for reader)

SUMMARY = period cramps and body dysphoria are not a good combination

WARNINGS = please view the sucker series masterlist for the full warnings! minimal smut more angst, toys (vibrator), period, suicide threats, cutting mention, copendence, unhealthy relationship, body dysphoria

W/C = 1.2k

A/N = no beta read this time or a lot of smht but there is a lot of toxic scara

TAGS = @midnxght-sweet-time, @zen-daydreams, @edenialucas, @huboi, @nejibot, @lovediluc, @yumixxn, @teallapril

kuni @kamikuzushi

FUCK MY CRAMPS ARE KILLING ME (NAME) HURRY UP AND COME BACK

kuni @kamikuzushi

goddamnit do I really have to stream like this

kuni @kamikuzushi

oh whatever at least this celebration stream is gonna make me feel better

scara-sama @/06ScaraBalladeer

Today I want to show my appreciation for 10k subscribers! I’ll be looking through all your fanart and responding to all your questions on stream! Don’t be weird, okay? ^-^

—

Scara starts the stream with her signature smile and catchphrase. “Good day everyone! How is everybody doing?” Her mind whirls up thoughts of an expensive celebration dinner as red superchats start ringing in. “We’ve reached 10k subscribers! Thank you so much for all your support! Today, we’re going to be looking through your fanart on Twitter!”

Scara opens up the page and clicks on fanart tag. Her ever-present smile nearly morphs into a frown.

“I…I can’t show this! You know I can only look at wholesome fanarts, right?” she forces a laugh, immediately scrolling past the provocative fanart only to be met by more. “I’ll just…keep scrolling until I can find ones I can show.”

Thankfully, there are a lot of tasteful ones. But it isn’t enough to get rid of the bitterness in her throat at all those…other fanart. Men really do see women as fuck toys, huh? As Scara takes a sip of water, she accidentally catches her reflection in the mirror. Her dress — although conservative and shows no skin at all — somehow does enhance the size of her breasts. It usually doesn’t bother her but…

He swallows the bile in his throat, trying to silence the growing darkness in his head as he forces her finger to continue scrolling.

—

[You received a text from Kuniku<3!]

Kuniku<3: my head hurts like a bitch

Kuniku<3: so fucking loud

Kuniku<3: hurry n come back idiot

Kuniku<3: i wanna throw up

Kuniku<3: i wanna die

Kuniku<3: if you don’t come back quick ill fucking kill myself

Kuniku<3: do you want me to kill myself?

Kuniku<3: come back home

Kuniku<3: hurry

—

The door to the room creaks open. Kunihiko jolts, darting his eyes over to the figure. He relaxes upon realising who it is. "You took so fucking long. It's like you want me to die."

You sat next to him. "You know that's not true.”

"No. No, I don't know that,” he mutters, clenching onto the hem of his shorts. “You left. Why would you leave for so long? You know I despise it.”

“I’m sorry.” You wrap your arms around his tiny frame. “I’m here now. You can cry on me.”

His quivering arms return the hold, fingers digging into the fabric of your shirt. He doesn’t say anything for a while and you return the silence.

“Do you think it would be better if I died?"

“No.”

“Why? There’s nothing for me here. Nobody would give a shit if I kill myself.”

“Your fans would.”

Kuni scoffs. “Maybe. Maybe not. They care about Scara anyway. Not me.”

“I would care.”

“...Yeah, I guess it does matter to you," he laughs; a pathetic, hollow laugh. “You’re not being very convincing.”

“Sorry, do you wanna try something else?”

He releases you, a distant look in his eyes as he reaches for a remote beside him, placing it in your palm. “Turn it on. You know what to do.”

Kunihiko tenses up the second you switch it on, going back to wrap his arms around your neck. You stay still, allowing your boyfriend to rest his head on your shoulder while you hold him tight. Sweat drips down his brow, a slight pain sending a shock down your spine when his teeth bites into your skin. You crank up the speed, and Kuni moans in delight. “Fuck, that feels good. God, I wish you could fuck me right now.”

You move to kiss him but before you could do anything, he seizes your jaw and shoves his tongue inside your mouth. You nearly choke at the intrusion. He’s aggressive, much rougher than usual, as if he is trying to forget his thoughts by indulging in you. As usual, you don’t mind, letting him do whatever he wants with you. You prefer he manhandle you than cut himself again.

"(Name),” he pants as soon as the two of you separate. “Do you still see me as a girl?"

"I have always seen you as Kuni,”

Kuni cackles. “Yeah right! You suck on my boobs everytime we have sex."

"Because you said you like it?” you say, tilting your head. “If it makes you feel uncomfortable, I'll stop."

“No,” Kuni’s voice drops, laced with ire and a hidden shade of anxiety at that notion. “What’s the fucking point of me getting nipple piercings if you’re not going to play with them?”

“Sorry,” you mutter, planting a kiss on Kuni’s forehead. “But just know that I love you no matter how you present yourself.”

“Then,” Kuni pushes you away, indigo irises lacking the usual scorn and air of superiority, “don’t ever leave for that long again. Or I’ll kill myself. Understood?”

A shiver — no, more like a dangerous electricity — rushes down your spin, your survival instincts forcing a quick nod from you. All of a sudden, the tension dissipates and Kuni smiles warmly at you again. He slides his tongue in your mouth again, his hand finding yours and moving it to max out the speed of the vibrator.

“Fuck! Ho-holy fuck, this thing is amazing...” Kuni moans, mouth hanging open in a euphoric expression. “Shit, I–! (Name)!”

“I’m here, Kuni,” you reassure him, pulling up his shirt to leave lovemarks on his collarbone. “I’ll always be here for you.”

“(Name), I can’t–!”

Kuni’s nails dig into your back as he twitches, puffing for air before his legs give in and he lands on your thighs. You turn off the remote before patting him on the back.

“You okay?”

“Mm...” he mumbles groggily. “Go and run me a bath.”

Scooping him into your arms, you lay him on the bed, watching as he turns over and hugs one of the pillows before leaving him to recover.

—

[You received a text from Kuniku<3!]

Kuniku<3: did u buy a bath bomb lol

Kuniku<3: smells nice

Kuniku<3: we should bathe together when im off my period

Kuniku<3: oh ya can u heat up my heat pack

Kuniku<3: before that cook me instant ramen

You’re typing…

You: Anything else?

Kuniku<3: oo yes answer this in ten seconds

Kuniku<3: what would u do if u could make time stop forever?

You’re typing…

You: I would cuddle with you

Kuniku<3: wow

Kuniku<3: that was a setup for a joke i had but thats so disgustingly wholesome that i forgot

Kuniku<3: is this the same bitch who asks me to choke them with my thighs? LMAOOO

Kuniku<3: kinda cute tho

Kuniku<3: fineee since ur so needy n im a good bf lets go out

Kuniku<3: my sis' cultural fes is this friday

Kuniku<3: apparently her class is doing a maid cafe lollll

Kuniku<3: would fucking love to see the look on her face when she sees us

Kuniku<3: if thats too lame we can sightsee around asakusa

Kuniku<3: or…we could go to a love hotel

Kuniku<3: so? which will it be?

[Your answer]

[aggressive-positivity-network]

I feel like people focus way too much on perfection in media. Not just movies, but also, like, YouTube videos, animations, art and written works…especially from content creators.

Like, think about Game Theory. He ends every single video with, “But that’s just a theory.” Not a working timeline. Not a full-fledged narrative. A theory. In other words, you take what you can find and run with it. If it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it sure is fun to think about! And isn’t that the whole point of online entertainment? Same argument with things like CinemaSins. They aren’t SUPPOSED to be super logical. They’re supposed to be entertaining. They’re supposed to hit the ground running with humor, no matter what form that takes. And those are the more supported ones…what about those that are just starting out?

And animators! God, animators get a lot of flack. People pause frames and laugh about how funny the resulting image is, then say it’s a result of poor animation. Fans complain about how long videos take and what videos are about. If you’re going to spend at least a month making something, don’t you think you want it to be something YOU want to talk about? Imagine making a 1000 slide PowerPoint about cement, or paint drying! That would suck, wouldn’t it? Now times that by a thousand, and you’re on a schedule. Not fun, huh?

And my homies, my writers, my fanfic gang. People think that because it doesn’t have a timelapse, that the headcanons and one-shots you read are slapped out and sent to the masses. Have you ever stared at the same paragraph for fifteen minutes trying to remember a different word for “walk this way” or “said quietly” or “went from here to here specifically, with an angry look on their face”? All while your inbox is filling up with requests like “Blorbo x Blorbo ❤️” and “This but with this Blorbo specifically” and “Part 2???🥺” and “When next part??????????”

And for FREE, goddamnit! Some of the bigger creators might have backing, but a lot of them don’t. If you can eat a meal someone made for you even if it isn’t very good, or compliment someone’s art because you believe that their confidence should be built, then you can maybe think twice before you send a snarky comment on an AO3 fic or make a cringe compilation of V-Tubers.

Is it funny to pick things apart? Yes. Is there humor in taking things a bit too seriously? Absolutely. But does that mean you need to take out your holier than thou consumer magnifying glass and stroke your chin while you scrutinize every part of every new media you or others consume? No.

Because, sooner or later, you are going to realize that after your arrogant tirade, there is nothing left to enjoy. “Why aren’t there any good _____ anymore???” Because you burnt every opportunity to branch out in your tastes and then salted the earth so that nothing could grow again, dumbass. And anyone that would have made content for you has been bullied off the face of the planet.

You can be conscientious of your time and energy, but don’t scoff at the progression of entertainment.

(Let me watch my animated mukbang in peace.)

[essayofthoughts]

2020 Creator Wrap: Favourite Works

Tagged by @tobermoriansass​ - I’m so sorry - TWO DAMN YEARS AGO. This is why I am where tag games go to die.

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (or so) favorite  works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link  them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world  in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original)  so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

I repeat, I am tagging no one because I am where tag games go to die.

I know this is two years late, but I’ll still limit this to whatever I wrote in 2020 - which isn’t as much as I thought. Makes sense tho, that was when I was shifting from Maximoff twins to Campaign 1 of Critical Role.

Favourite five of those would be...

--

That balance may return - Critical Role, Percy Whump, 34k - AO3 Link

You know when you have an idea and start writing it, realise it’s going to be longer than you thought, stall in a panic because you don’t write longfic and then manage to finish it anyway and have it be (what you think is) a pretty good study of trauma recovery? Yeah. That’s this. I’m incredibly proud of this fic, possibly because I used this fic a lot for my own processing of a few things; rereading this fic I don’t really recognise the person I was when I wrote it, which is interesting!

“Believe it or not,” Anna Ripley says, peeling off a bloodstained glove, “I rather like you alive, Percival.”

She smiles down at him and, with the light behind her, her hair is like a dark halo.

“Chin up,” she says, patting his cheek with metal fingers. “I’ll take good care of you.”

The premise is pretty simple - at some point after the Briarwoods Arc and with no dragons to cause Chroma Conclave Trouble, Ripley captures Percy and proceeds to fuck with him for a while (tw: being creepy, boundaries being crossed, persistent trauma-induced bad headspace, rape) but gets found and Percy freed by the end of the first chapter.

The whole rest of the fic is Percy recovering from that.

Ripley’s Assistant - Critical Role, VM AU, 58k - AO3 Link

Gods, I’m desperately proud of this fic. Proper fucking longfic! The chapter lengths are all over the show (still proud as all fuck of the Anders chapter though, thank you so much to @chamerionwrites​ for helping me find the right angle to approach it from). Just as with balance this fic is me processing certain things just from a very different angle.

“Percy,” Ripley says. Her hand is tight on his shoulder.

“They’re going to kill them,” he says.

“Yes,” she says. “And they’ll kill you too if you’re not careful. Come with me. Your family will listen to you. Talk to you. Maybe if they tell you what they know and you tell us, they might just live.”

This fic is an AU of canon where instead of Anders as Percy’s tutor, it’s Ripley. Things go a bit differently as a consequence. There’s two more arcs as follow-up, because the healing process is complicated, as well as side fics.

Gods, I’m proud of this fic.

needs not be spoken - Critical Role, Cassandra & Desmond, 1.6k - AO3 Link

A present for the wonderful chamerionwrites, sometimes you have a Thought when a friend mentions characters of interest and you proceed to write something with far more meat to it than you expected. I love the parallels you can make between Cass and Desmond - both shown kindness and cruelty by the Briarwoods, both with reasons to hate or resent Percy, both around the same age (Desmond is said to be around 18, like Cassandra) and Desmond’s fate is kind of left open, though the wiki states he lives. 

Some think it strange, that Cassandra, as a Lady, is waited on by a manservant and not a lady’s maid.

So in this AU, Desmond returns to Whitestone with the Emon refugees with a maimed hand and a letter to ensure employment. Cassandra looks at this, realises Percy’s responsible and decides that if a de Rolo wronged Desmond then a de Rolo has to set it right.

And goddamnit, Percy, she’s going to set it right. It’s a character and relationship study from the two, when they’re still new to working with each other, and it’s just lovely and quiet and platonic.

kindness to cruelty - D&D, OCs, Hurt/Comfort, 20k - AO3 Link

So this is what I started to write for an exchange before I realised it had got vastly out of hand, wrote a shorter thing with similar bones to submit for the exchange, and then finished this because why not at that point. It starts with some pretty hefty hurt, the comfort is more slow and emotional than anything else - though there is some actual healing - and there’s some poking about the nature and stances of drow culture and the kind of indoctrination that’d go on from that.

If they keep their word then - perhaps - he can convince them he will keep his.

An adventuring company in the Underdark gets attacked by drow, they take one prisoner because the party member who took them down isn’t down with coldblooded murder, and they all slowly get to know each other. Also, there’s a language barrier.

finds and shall find me unafraid - Critical Role, Percy Whump, 9.7k - AO3 Link

@sparxwrites has an incredibly mean little oneshot called comprehension, and lack thereof where Ripley rapes a Feebleminded Percy where Vex can see. The concept of the aftermath of this didn’t leave me, especially given there’s no way Vex, furious as she would be, would just let it stand.

So I wrote aftermath.

It says something, Vex thinks, that even after the sickly green magic of Ripley’s wand of Feeblemind, after the cells and what Ripley did, after so many things that could so easily leave someone curled in a corner and avoiding all contact, Percy still so clearly trusts her.

The first chapter is them breaking out of the dungeons, Vex cajoling the still feebleminded Percy into helping her. The next chapter is Vex killing Ripley and getting in contact with the others. The chapter after is Keyleth restorationing Percy and Vex gently keeping Percy company. Chapter four is questionably healthy smut and chapter five is after-aftermath. 

[yostresswritinggirl]

I was peacefully drawing my brain rots when i decided to check my spotify wrapped, and i wish i didnt as i have never been humbled so much in my entire life.

"You seized the day with Comforting Angst Rebellious"

Well god damn of course i get angst why wouldn't i 😭 so to commemorate the day i was put on blast by spotify i decided to draw smth angsty well somewhat angsty.

ALSO i saw your spotify wrapped and omg you also listen to mother mother, my favourite song from them is Arms Tonite and Problems, idk what they put on the songs but god damn are they addicting.

Idk if you'll like these songs but TUYU songs are a infinity out of 10 with "What if this isn't a slave," "Even tears withered," and "I'm getting on the bus to the other world, see ya!" as my top 3 (and totally not on my top 5 songs)

- Lady in the lake

L-Lady in the Lake, DeviantArt won't let me see your art?! It won't show up no matter what I try, even everyone else's art won't show up either what do I do AAAAAAAAAAAA

Everyone has such funny and cracked Audio Days thank goodness mine's pretty passive, but goddamnit nothing's showing up still huhu

Also yes!! I'm a huge mother mother fan, those are good bangers too (problems is my top 4 apparently) but my absolute fave is Very Good Bad Thing, actually that whole album is full of hidden gems so I recommend that song, Mouth of the Devil (this one's so good too hhh) and Monkey Tree! I don't know how they do it either but I'm here for it alfndownos

And more recommendations! I haven't heard TUYU despite being an Eve fan (actually in my YouTube Recap, Eve is my top artist) so I'll be checking her out in my spare time too!

[stevenbasic]

This is so fucked up, Marisela Vazquez thought to herself, standing at her desk and looking over Melissa’s shoulder as they browsed through the new page designs for the practice’s website, How was I able to do all this?? In, like…two hours?!?

Marisela had spent the morning at her desk programming, writing code, and was now showing the results so far to her new Office Manager. She had always been pretty good with tech; it just sort of came naturally to her - just like her art, drawing, sketching, painting, sculpting. She’d just taken to it, since she was a kid. Web design had been a casual little hobby, and in fact she’d been the one who’d put together the site for Far Horizons a few years ago. But what she’d done this morning, after being asked by Melissa to work on the thing and add in pictures of all the new staff? It made her spine tingle...

It was really just over the last few nights that Marisela had begun glancing at her book on HTML6. If she was going to do this right she’d known she’d have to remake the entire site from scratch to get it up to current web standards. It was shocking how easily the new content came to her. She’d used premade templates before, and now this morning she’d found herself making embeds that she personally encoded for maximum streaming efficiency. She just somehow knew how to do…it all. Her fingers worked like virtuoso magic over the keys.

“I love how you arranged all the new pictures!” Melissa praised, turning to look up at her over her right shoulder with a secret, conspiratorial smile that - goddamnit why is this happening?? - made her heart flutter. Yes, she’d gotten a weird thrill from that, from feeling like she was quietly part of some “movement”, some covert revolution. She’d liked how she’d made his picture smaller than hers, how she’d surrounded him with his women.

“I, uh, still have a few girls to add in, once they get me their pics…” Marisela answered, eager from the praise, Ugh! What is wrong with me! she scolded herself. Marisela had always been a girl who prided herself on living a bit outside the mainstream, working and thinking to the beat of her own drum. Even being a bit surly: she embraced it. She’d been called “goth” and “e-girl”, “punk” “emo” and “scary” and all that - the jet black hair, the piercings, the dramatic eyeliner and tattoos - and had carefully cultivated the persona over the years. Not as much at work, of course - she couldn’t in a medical office -  but nonetheless she liked being different. But here she was, suddenly part of some hot-girl posse, finding herself buying new push-up bras and doing her dark lipstick in ways that she knew would draw his eye. Yuck, right?

right..?

She was changing, she knew it, they all were. Not just in their attitudes, either. For one thing - though weirdly no one was really talking about it yet - there seemed to be some sort of second puberty drifting through the office. The thought was repulsive, at first. I don’t need any more fucking cup sizes! she remembered thinking, already being naturally too busty for how thin she was. But there were other changes that came along with the new mommy-milkers as well or the extra inches some of them had seen on their hips and inseams. For example she would’ve never been able to design a website like this two months ago. Or, like, she was able to do things with the office’s networks that would have baffled her in the past. She felt, basically…smarter. And, also - her art, her sketching had improved. Even that balloon thing that she did. She hadn’t worked with balloons for years, since art school, and yet it was the biggest, best thing she’d ever made.

But, Marisela had to admit, these last couple of months - since the practice had begun to change as Melissa and her friends set up shop - had been good. They had been strangely…exciting. She wasn’t a fan, at first, of the new girls. These people were mostly morons, Melissa the worst of the bunch. As a medical practice the place was becoming pathetic, a hot mess. But, jesus. She found herself slowly coming around, seeing the potential for the shit they could accomplish…and make him miserable in the meantime, as a bonus. There were storm clouds gathering, building energy…

…and it all seemed centered around Melissa.

Good god look at her, Marisela marveled, as she watched her young Office Manager stretch her arms up above her head, Who the fuck is this superwoman?? Melissa’s jaw-dropping upper torso was on full display in a tight blue tank; her business jacket had been laid down off to the side. She was somehow both athletically muscular and perfectly, wasp-waistedly luscious, bosomy and built, at the same time. So tall, she was an insanely perfect specimen.

“The girls are going to love this..!” Melissa lauded, oblivious to Marisela’s reverential gaze and continuing to scan through the photos of the staff that she’d asked the girls to contribute, assembled, and sent on to Marisela. “They all look so pretty!”

Just then, on the desk, Melissa’s phone buzzed.

Marisela had to admit that - as she watched her big-haired, big-boobed boss pick up her phone to check the text - she was getting to enjoy Melissa’s company. As much as it pained her to acknowledge, she knew that being around her was making her a better person, or at least a better woman. Because ‘better person’ may have been a stretch, with the way she was feeling, the thoughts she was having towards him and men in general. Those sorts of thoughts made her feel fucking evil; they were not the musings of a ‘better person’. She’d always despised him, since his affairs with the other girls in the office, being a married man. And the way he looked at her at times? She’d always thought it was gross. But now, she didn’t quite exactly know how to put into words how she felt about him. Part of it was, yes, wanting to crush his fucking nuts. Like, literally. She wanted to crush his nuts, under her new thick-heeled Docs (size 9!). But she also wanted to, well -

“Oh, haha, sorry Marisela,” Melissa said, typing out the last of a text in reply, “That was Vida. Sounds like he’s not feeling well, still at the hospital on his rounds.” Marisela saw Melissa bite her lower lip, squirm a little in her seat. She seemed a bit taken, excited, trying to keep herself together and gather her feelings. “She’s going to go cover his patients there, but it sounds like…”

At that, Marisela watched Melissa shudder, and then smile in ill-contained rapture. She then quickly stood, picked up her suit jacket, checked for her car keys.

“I’ve gotta go get him,” she said, with barely contained enthusiasm and a sparkle in her eye, “…it sounds like he needs me.”

=======================================

Thanks to SaulJinzler for the boob morph in the image. Check out his DeviantArt, full of goodness here

[a-lil-perspective]

Really not trying to be a pendulum of emotions over here but I am very bothered by the current trajectory of things and there’s no other way for me to make sense of it then to talk it out in good ‘ole ramble.

I don’t even know where to start. To say that I am hurt by the events transpired—transpiring—is an understatement. I am frustrated and beyond saddened. I don’t know what I expected from the series, but it wasn’t… this. Whatever “this” is.

To be clear, I’m not one of those people who hate on a show that just started. I’m not hating on it at all, actually. I’m just trying to make sense of it. Because I truly don’t understand it. Subtlety is an art until it’s a headache.

And right now, it’s a goddamn migraine.

Fans should not have to jump through hoops to scrupulously analyze every single scene in order to make sense of it and create some pseudo-development that probably isn’t there but goddamnit if it isn’t our wonderful, wishful thinking. As the show progresses, I get the increasing feeling that there wasn’t much forethought applied to the narrative. It’s already nine episodes in and we’ve made, by my accounts, no headway whatsoever. I think that’s a pretty profound indicator right there; especially given the overt themes on display: i.e. ‘Dad’ Batch, Imperial!Crosshair—there’s no fine distinction between the two. They’re both pretty clear (though bland) and established at this point. And that’s where my problem lies.

I like this show, I do. It’s nice seeing the boys in different settings, but I can’t be the only one who’s left ringing a little hollow come the roll of credits. Everything was set in stone right off the bat: Crosshair is bad, Hunter and Co are good. I keep hoping for, anticipating, a building momentum that will be glorious once it peaks, but a larger, more perceptive part of me says that we won’t get that; at least not in the way I envision.

My mind wanders a lot to several paths this show could veer down; I theorize a lot on each character’s individual fate and their fate as a unit, a family.

It’s painful to think about.

At this point I can’t confidently predict how this will all pan out, but from what I do suspect, there will be a large rift and division. Division between brothers, between loyalty (willingly), between family.

It makes me utterly heartbroken to think about.

Because when it all goes down, all I can think about is Crosshair, once restored his mind and freed from the inhibitor chip, walking away from his brothers. For good.

How could you stay with people who were so quick to discard you for something you had no control over?

You wouldn’t.

Crosshair wouldn’t.

They’ll call it “independence”. “Character development”. Crosshair trying to “find his way”. Mark my words.

It’s breaking apart a family.

How is that fucking character development.

Sure, maybe it’ll all turn out fine and Crosshair will be reunited with the bunch, they’ll make amends and heal, it’s all good.

But it will never be the same.

That’s the thing. No matter what happens from here on out; there will always be a void, a missing link, a part of Crosshair that knows he was left behind by the only people he thought never would. And there will always be a part of Hunter that knows he is responsible at large.

Look. I’m gonna say it: Angst is overrated. I’m sick of it. Truly. I’ve gotten to the point where my brain doesn’t like to process it, can’t process it, because I’ve had my own real life exposure to it for such an extensive length of time that it’s absolutely fucked with my cognition and it’s something that is a constant struggle for me to work around, everyday.

No, I’m not saying everything should be sunshine and rainbows, or that it even remotely is. I don’t live in a fantasy (and the ones I do, like all my Dad Batch glory, I can set aside a sec for the larger picture) and I fully realize life is full of aches and trouble.

But that’s the thing: life is full of it.

When is enough, enough?

When is there going to be happiness, healing. Why is pain glorified for shock factor time over again.

It’s getting old, fast.

Words of advice from your fellow trauma victim: You don’t have to experience suffering in order to grow. You can absolutely learn through healthy means. You deserve to.

Crosshair deserves to.

The familial connection at stake here is what bothers me most. (Not to be personal but) As someone who has never had a semblance of stability or a whole, healthy family unit, I crave that more than anything.

I thought I found that with the Bad Batch.

All I want is families who come together. There is so much rich nuance that comes with healthy relationships; I don’t understand why it isn’t explored more. To me, that’s where it’s at. Unity, stability, support. Sticking it out when things get rough. Growing together, becoming better, healing. When will that become normalized the way heartache and gut-wrenching angst is. I’ll never understand it.

My heart really hurts tonight.

[rebloged-content]

Recommended Sanders Sides creators

Marry Christmas, everyone! And a wonderful December day to all of you who don’t celebrate Christmas, too. Let’s be honest right off the bat, though: I’m only using the date as an excuse to do this list anyways.

So. Throughout the time I’ve spent as a part of this wonderful corner of the sanders sides fandom over here on tumblr, I’ve often found a new creator and wished I’d found them sooner. It kind of makes me wonder who else I might miss. If you do to, here are a few creators I’d love for you to check out. You’ll probably recognize some of the names, if not all, but maybe you’ll find a new favorite creator here?

And to the creators in question, I really love your content. If you’ve made it onto this list, you’ve definitely cause one or two sleepless nights of reading for me, because who needs sleep if I can have this, right? XD Whatever you’ll find written next to your name is the impression you’ve left on me and… Well, just know that you’ve made some days of my life at least a little happier, all of you. And I hope to repay the favor by telling you how much I appreciate you releasing your content into this world… Well, repay the favor at least a little, I suppose.

Let’s begin, then, shall we?

@5am-the-foxing-hour Because this? This is who you go to if you want to read good Janus-content. You are in a mood to read sympathetic Janus? Wanna see the danger noodle just casually interact with other sides? Go to their short stories. I mean, “the cult”? Prime example of how to tell a story with impact in just a few words. 8 paragraphs, but boy did I read that one on repeat. Or “water spray bottle”, this one is fun, short and will make you laugh. An energy drink for the fander heart, so to say.

Then there’s their mafia-au, “there’s more in me than precious metals”. Six are out so far, and I adore every single word of every single part of this. Protective Remus, sassy Janus, angst, comedy relief, destruction, Roman-Remus-sibling-rivalry, braincell Logan, survival instinct Virgil, working together over a common enemy… This fic has it all, believe me. Take your time and read it, because you will read the entire thing in one go once you start. At least I did, and I didn’t even notice.

And their advent writings? Those had me squealing and jumping around in a way I will deny if anyone ever sees it. I don’t even know what else to say, they are fucking fantastic and that’s that.

So, yeah. Go check them out, before I start fangirling about them even more. You know my personal favorites now, so just go there. You won’t regret it.

Next up is @coconut-cluster. Ah, yes, Lexi. Lexi, whose uni-AU started as self indulgent and has become the loceit story on tumblr. We all know her, or at least most of us do, and we all love her too. And while I also drop everything I do at any point of time I possibly can once I realize the uni-au has any form of new addition, there are a lot of other fics created by her that you should check out as well.

Did you, for example, ever want a sappy prinxiety one-shot with the sappiness only being implied, a mutual understanding of “we’re-not-saying-we-care-but-we-both-know-we-do” born from joking reassurances and a not-a-date-nope-only-a-break? While that may seem to be a tall order, that is exactly what “before the sun goes down” is. Plus there’s ice cream. Or maybe you’re more of a logince fan? Do you want a fic where Roman isn’t the prince but serves His Highness? Do you like sincere talks while you’re procrastinating showing your face to the subjects you don’t really want to rule over? In that case, you really should read “Viva la Vida”. Careful, though, this one is so sweet you’ll probably get a toothache… There also is an analogical fic that I’ve enjoyed very much: “Cracks in the Ceiling”. I love it, because it’s just calm. Fears creeping up on you, thrown away by a trusted friend with a few words, just by being there and playing into the metaphors you head created this time around. It’s calm, and there’s not really a climax or anything, but it doesn’t need one. Because it’s just a glance into everyday life. It’s beautiful in its own right, really.

What I’m saying is, Lexi has a lot more wonderful stories to tell than the uni-au. It’s the most popular one, sure, and it’s one of her best works. But you really should check out her other fics as well. Lexi herself once said that she writs fics she’d like to read. I would figure it’s because of this, but her stories are mostly things you don’t really find anywhere else. Dynamics, stories, world building, all of those are aspects you may find somewhere else. But Lexi is just one of those people who see what they miss in a fandom and create it themselves, and among these creators Lexi is my favorite. She just has that certain skill that makes that approach to writing result in the most enjoyable reading experiences. Lexi’s fics are special, because they’re different, because they are authentic and you can feel that when you’re reading her work.

@djpurple3 is another talented individual I want to talk about. I have to confess, DJ is, as far as original content goes, almost exclusively locked in my brain with the fiction “I just keep loosing my beat”. 23 Chapters so far, one better than the last. It’s a bitter-sweet story following Remus and his children, after the bitch of a mother has been brought behind bars. Abusive piece of shit. Yeah, I don’t like her much. But the story is so full of love and support, everyone trying their best, everyone seeing how much the others deserve the world and wishing they could give it to them… Roman and Remus have a sibling-dynamic I would die for here, too. Patton is just the most adorable friend to Deceit - here Damion - Virgil is a precious bean, Logan is cute and the teacher we all wish he’d had ourselves and… god, I could keep gushing about this fic forever. I’ll stop now, though, before I’ll start spoiler things. Wouldn’t want to do that, especially since I really, really, really want more people to give this a go. It’s not underrated, I just think everyone who doesn’t is missing out by a lot, so… Go over there and read DJ’s fic right fucking now, if you haven’t already read it at least once. Thank you.

@delimeful​, our wonderful lime-friend with a cute cat making a terrifying face in his header. First of all, there is the WIBAR universe, short for “Watch it burn and rust”. 5 chapters in act one, 4 intermissions (one of those with three chapters), one chapter of act two, as well as three extras and an au of this au called “the end of being alone”, and I’ve lost count of how many nights I spent reading those instead of sleeping like I should. (Or interacting with family. Or being productive. Or… It’s really a good story, okay?!) WIBAR is a deathworlder au. So a space au in which humans are regarded as dangerous deathworlders who can survive on a deathworld like earth. In other words, Virgil is the only human, and boy does that scare everyone around him. And the best part? You can feel the development, the shift in mentality regarding Virgil, feel the moment approach in which he isn’t a threat but a companion instead.

And, apart from the fic that inspired me enough to start writing “TINND!R?” over on my writing blog, there are a lot more amazing fics to read on lime’s blog. He wrote “How easy you are to need”, for example. It’s soft, it pulls at just the right heartstrings, it’s achingly hopeful and, god, the ending still has me in tears, even after the fifth - ? sixth? something among those lines - reread. This one’s a werewolf au, actually. Virgil is the werewolf, Logan, Patton and Roman are the humans.

Do you want yourself some of that pre-AA dynamic? I’d recommend “to taste your beating heart”. In this, Virgil gets separated from the rest of his group of vampire hunters and gets turned into a vampire himself, loosing his memories. And he’s “Anx” now, not “Virgil”, goddamnit! He isn’t their friend anymore, why don’t they understand that? Well, probably because they can still see Virgil’s old habits shining through. There’s a lot of tension, a lot of angst and a whole lot of frustration involved in this.

He also wrote some amazing one-shots. They’re mostly so well written that I’m almost sad not to be waiting on a continuation. There’s “the littlest mermaid”, in which Virgil goes to investigate a noise, finding a scared, tiny mermaid in need of help. In “community gardens” we have Remus being Remus, gaining the interest and friendship of the forest’s giant Logan. “Magical mutualism” tells the tale of a witch and a demon making a pact beneficial to both parties and opening the doors neither could have gone beyond alone. The way we’re all confused about our ships not actually having set sail yet comes to a hight in Virgil in regards to his friends in “amateur matchmakers”. And this is the point at witch I stop talking before I actually recommend every single one of lime’s fics instead of just my favorites as I had planed because I started to gush too much… XD

Let’s move on to @muppenthings​. Mupp is an amazing artist and she created a giant mermaid au. There’s this one orca who’s just… We love her, but I actually don’t think she’s the brightest. I really, really love her, though. Virgil himself is being a little protective over his human friends and casually so. I love this comic series for the art style, but I also love the way it makes me crack a laugh at least once per work. Or appeal to my mother-instincts, if it’s about baby Virgil. Too cute for his own good, I tell ya! And the facial expressions! The detail, the jokes, everything about this is wonderful. You should at least take a look.

@whenisitenoughtrees​. Cat got me with “This cup of yours tastes holy (This lie is dead)”. “A slow voice on a wave of phase” was next, later “Infinity and beyond”, “we are not alone in the dark with out demons” and “changing of the guard”. And then, suddenly, the night was over. I’ve read almost all of the fics in one go, and I’ve been semi-frequently visiting her master post ever since. When “There’s an endless road to rediscover” came out just a little while back, that lead to me re-reading through almost the entire list. I don’t regret it, my plans for that weekend would like to disagree.

These six fics I mentioned here are, by no means, the only ones I enjoyed. Those are just the ones I’ve found myself opening up again and again in sleepless nights. Those are the ones that pop up in my head and have me smiling to myself in the middle of god-knows-whatever-I’ve-been-doing-at-the-time.

Angst, fluff, hurt-comfort, you’ll find everything in that list. And something I’ve grown to like about Cat’s fics even more than anything else is the quick change between feeling perplexed, a startled laugh at certain wordings (you’ll know what I’m talking about when you see it) and apprehension. These fics will have you at the edge of you seat, swooping you away on an emotional roller coaster. And, god, the way Cat writes from Remus’ perspective? The introductions of her stories and the way she redirects to the main topic after going into detail on something? I saved a few paragraphs as screenshots on my phone because I love them and I want to read them again when I’m down. I just… Cat’s great.

Next up is @eliemo. Because Elias Virgil is the royalty of Virgil angst. From the touch-starved Virgil we’ve all had a head cannon of at one point in “Heart of Ice”, over ace Virgil panicking over telling his boyfriends that he his ace and didn’t think to tell them before in “Love our way” to so, so much more.

Mostly EV follows the story arc of an underlying feeling of dread at the beginning, which slowly grows into panic, exploding in a storm of angst and concludes in everyone, or at least whoever is around, coming to the rescue and helping to calm down, with the end being the hope for getting better in the future. They always manage to convey the confusion, fear or just the general thought process so well that you can’t help but get absorbed in the story. They know exactly what to say and what to leave between the lines to get the maximum effect. And, your heart will definitely be shattered after their angst. Still, the way the sides comfort each other and support each other so well every time is just… I love their stories, a lot.

I want to make two more suggestions if you want to check out this creator. A Janus angst fic, which can only be described as “ouch” you’ll find under the name “snake bite”. It hurts in the best way possible, because Janus gets the comfort he deserves.

The other suggestion gets a lot darker. It’s about Virgil having been abused by the “others” before he got accepted into the light side. The others are shocked to find out what has gone on behind their backs and they help Virgil in every way they can to recover. Of cause it’s a rocky path, though. This would be “Learned Behavior”. The series/au has twelve stories so far, one of which has two parts. You’ll find the master post for this pinned to the top on their blog.

If you like angst, you should also give @maybedefinitely404​ a look. Ly has a soulmate-au going, in which they use the concept of “you hear the music your soulmate listens to”. "Music in my head” is a prinxiety fic, but the two of them have yet to meet. Four chapters and two mini-fics in. The reason I mentioned angst is because in this - spoiler alert for the first few chapters here - , Virgil gets put through conversion therapy. Luckily Janus and Logan are better foster parents than the ones who did that to him.

They also have a master list for all their soulmate stories, featuring different ships. Apparently they participated in soulmate month, if I understood that correctly. And to be honest, that was how I even found their account. I absolutely adore their anxceit fic, which takes place in a human au. It’s starting off pretty sad, but the bonding moments are absolutely wonderful. It’s a lovely story, and the ending is one of the best ones I’ve yet to read. Their logince fic took my breath away, too. A flower shop/tattoo artist au, and Logan is the tattoo artist. Stunning writing, wonderful world building, just the right amount of backstory to have everything make sense without overwhelming/drowning the reader in unnecessary details. Their moxceit fiction… Well, this one had me in tears within the first few paragraphs. It’s terrible and you feel for Janus, whose perspective this is written from. The ending, though… Gods! The ending was so indescribably cute. To be honest, all of the soulmate stories are great, these three are just my personal favorites.

Concerning their one shots, you’ll probably have to figure it out on your own concerning this. I haven’t been able to read all of them yet, as sad as that makes me. Definitely palling on doing it in the future, though. I did read two of them, though. “Pippity poppity” really was amusing, and I am so looking forward to the second part of “The Boy who sings next door”. The way they write the dynamics between the sides? I live for that.

Another creator I would like to recommend is @maybe-im-tired.They don’t have a master post, as far as I could see, but they only post their content anyways, so… “Can’t take my eyes off of you” is my favorite out of their fics so far. I mean, the way they managed to fit the sheer chaos that is intrulogical into this one short fic is amazing. And you could take about two thirds of what Remus said and put it up on your wall as out-of-contexts-quotes. Don’t worry, he says them out of context anyways, and they will definitely make you laugh. 

The series of short stories for the human au that starts with “Glowing stars” is another au by them that you will almost certainly like. We have Logan and Virgil as kids (about 7 I think), Remus and Patton as single parents, Roman as the most adoring uncle, Emile as babysitter and Remy as his amazing partner. Remus is a great father, wonderfully chaotic as well. And a teacher! Imagine that, Remus as your teacher... He’s great with kids though, as long as they aren’t entitled villains come to make his precious Virgil feel bad, that is.

They also wrote a bunch of “random one shots”. They are all amazing, but my favorite has to be this one. It’s a logince one, once again human au. Patton may or may not tell his big brother’s crush about the feelings he wasn’t prepared to share yet. You know, as small kids do. It’s soft, it will make you smile as much as Logan does, and I love Remus in it. I generally like how they write Remus, okay? I know how much I’ve said it, but I’m not even exaggerating. They always write him differently, and all versions they write him as are so, so lovable and just… I wanna hug the life out of all Remus versions they wrote, okay? Take a look, you’ll know why.

Anyways. Let’s continue with @figurative-siren-song. This is the last account I’ve followed and I’m still sad about it having taken me this long to find them. Little salty, to be honest. (I’ll stick to they/them because they said just not to use she/her, and, well… consistency, you know? Don’t have much, so I have to get what I can XD). When I finally did find them, I went through their entire master list (at least all of the ships with characters I actually know. I’m kinda bad with the shorts characters, so I usually just… avoid them? Idk. Personal preference, I guess), and, well… I would honestly recommend every single fic on that list. They call themself “Repair Fluff King™️” and they deserve that title. But when they warn you that a fic will be angsty, it will be angsty.

I found them through the anxceit fic “A Deal”. Well, through an animatic by their friend on youtube that had linked the fic, but details. I’ve been reading this fic up and down again and again. It’s just so good! And when they talk in the second part and Janus explains why he proposed that deal. Or in the continuation, which i can’t talk about because I will probably spoiler things! So wholesome!

 Also, their losleepxeity fic “We’re worth it”. So soft! The nicknames, the plot, the everything. It’s softer than clouds look, and we all know that means something.

But, really. Everyone will find something for them by this creator. So many ships, all incredibly well written, and soft and fluffy without getting boring in the slightest. It’s as energizing as coffee, actually. And, let’s be honest, this whole fandom drowns itself in angst most of the time. Take a break from that, repair your broken hearts with goof fluffy content that you’ll want to read over and over again. Go check this creator out. You will love them. 

Last but not least… @myfriendsasthesides​ A blog by a creator who just takes the wonderfully chaotic dynamics of a friend group and using that to give us content of incorrect sides quotes. Maybe it doesn’t fit with me going on and on about fics here. I don’t care. Follow them and turn on those notifications, please, because seeing even one post of theirs on your dashboard will make your day. It’s funny, it’s absurd, it’s chaotic, it’s making you jealous of them for having friends like that. Believe me, you will want to see those posts. It’s just… the random shots of serotonin and dopamine out generation needs really fucking desperately 100% of the time. 

That’s it with the list! Eleven creators I absolutely adore, and I’m sorry I was babbling so much all the way through, but… Well, actually I’m not sorry. And actually, half of the reason I even made this post is to tell them how much I love them and fangirl about them a bit. So… Yeah. Well.I love you guys and hope you’ll have a wonderful day! And to everyone else reading this: I hope this helped you ind some new creators you can enjoy. And a good day to you too, of cause.

Sincerely, Joy 🖤

(@joylessnightsky/@sanders-sides-fic)

[novantinuum]

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: Teen Audiences (TW: language)

Words: ~3K

Summary: Lars has no idea what he was expecting the moment Steven texted him in the middle of the night to ask if he could come over, but being immediately tackled in an intense vice-grip of a hug the second he opened the door probably wasn’t it.

Set mid SUF.

I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to write Lars’ POV before this, but it was really fun! If you read this and enjoy, I’d greatly appreciate your support through reblogs here, or kudos/comments on AO3. Thank you! <3

____

Besides the quiet lull of the TV and the electric hum of the attic’s rickety old heater, all is silent in the Barriga household. The nighttime streets outside are vacant. Not a soul roams through his section of town, not even the newer Gem arrivals, who thankfully have been informed of humanity’s biologically mandated curfew by now. Sheesh, it’s about time.

After all, silence is peace. And in this day and age, in a world where the barriers between human and intergalactic politics are becoming increasingly blurred by the hour, peace is a gift.

Which is why having free time to play whatever old video games he wants in complete and total solitude at one AM is probably the single thing keeping him sane at this moment.

Lars’ fingers expertly flick at the joysticks of the controller as if by innate memory. It genuinely feels like forever since he’s been able to lose himself for hours in a solo campaign like this, and quite honestly, if given a choice he prefers it to any other leisurely activity. Chatting with his online friends or with that Gem gang of his is fun, sure, and working the counter at his bake shop can often be emotionally satisfying, but pushed too long and any kind of social interaction feels draining. He shifts on his bed, paying little to no attention to the slight chill against his bare chest. He’s pretty sure it’s like, near freezing outside and yet somehow it’s no more an annoyance to him than having to pause to reload an ammo clip in this game. It’s weird. Really weird. But then, at this point everything about his dumb life is.

It’s the Steven effect, he thinks with a soft scoff. Weird practically orbits him and his moms, and inevitably, every person he comes in contact with is brought into the fold. He’s a good kid, though. Don’t get him wrong. Steven always tries his best to be thoughtful when dealing with people he doesn’t understand— even when initially those people just act like dicks in return— and he for one is grateful for that, for the gift of a... a second chance. He knows full well he didn’t deserve it, (he still doesn’t), but he’s grateful.

The kid’s still on his mind when his phone lights up on the nightstand beside him, like the now familiar glow of Gems synchronizing to fuse.

(And goddamnit, does a part of him still balk almost two years later that it’s so normal to be casually relating everyday things to outer space Gem stuff anyways. What is he, with his pink hair and alien friends, the main character of an anime?)

Eyes skirt away from the grainy television set he’s been playing his favorite Immortal Combat on, and glance at the new notification.

Steven, the name at the top of the text reads. Well, lo and behold. The true shounen protagonist himself. Somebody’s ears must have been burning. Though, hmm. Come to think of it, that’s actually unusual. They pass bullshit memes back and forth sometimes, yes, but he never sends him anything this late at night.

Lars frowns, failing to obscure that annoying, instinctual worry that seizes him like the long lost sensation of hunger rising from the pit of his stomach, and scoots forward on his bed to grab his phone. What’s he want at this hour, anyways?

Steven: hey, sorry i know its late but can i come over ?

His frown deepens as he glances down at himself, clad in only a pair of boxers. He doesn’t mind having an unexpected visitor— after all, it’s not like he requires sleep anymore— but he’s not exactly dressed for company, here.

yeah but gimme a mo, he types back. kinda need to put on a shirt

Steven: k

Yawning out of sheer habit, he leans over the other side of the bed and grabs the first decent smelling tee he can find off the floor. It’s got an overlapping triangular emblem on it, a symbol from one of the game series he used to be obsessed with as a kid. He quickly shrugs it and a stray pair of sweatpants on, then returns to his phone.

decent now, he updates him.

The response is almost immediate.

Steven: be there soon

With a heavy inhale, he leans back against the headboard and begins to mentally prepare himself for the passage of One Whole Teenage Boy through the portal in his hair. For the most part he’s grown used to the changes caused by Steven’s literal magic resurrection, but not this. Who the hell knows how his pet lion puts up with it all the time. Quite frankly, how that creature has remained so docile and patient after years of interloping within Steven’s chaotic world of Gems eludes him, ‘cause it sure as hell isn’t a side effect of all the death-defying space voodoo.

Also, he’s like, 97% sure that “docile” and “patient” aren’t words anyone would pick to describe him at any stage of his life, ever.

And yet, yawning in his boredom, Lars waits.

And he waits.

And he waits.

And when eventually he breaks his stubborn streak and dares to check the time on his phone to see how many minutes have elapsed, how many minutes of his thrice-damned maybe infinite lifespan he’s wasted sitting up against the far wall of his room waiting for that kid to tumble right out of the literal inter-dimensional door hidden amidst the curls atop his head, he’s mildly surprised that his first emotional response to this delay is... dare he admits... disappointment.

It’s been nearly fifteen minutes. For whatever unknown reason, it seems as if Steven may not be coming over after all. Huh. He wonders what changed his mind. Pressing his lips into a thin line, Lars decides to check his texts. It’s possible the guy wrote something else and he just didn’t see it. But when he pulls up his latest conversation, all that comes up are the last messages they sent to each other. Be there soon, he said.

He hovers hesitant fingers over the keyboard, caught in the midst of trying to decide whether or not it’s too invasive and prying to send some sort of casual check-in, when he picks up on a very timid knock on the front door downstairs. And given the lateness of the hour, there’s really only one person it could be. He blinks for a moment, his mind still doing somersaults in order to process the mere concept of Steven not gleefully taking the opportunity to explode out of his hair for once in his life, and then drags himself up to his feet. Walks out of his attic room and down the stairs, being careful not to disturb his slumbering parents. Unlatches the locks on the door.

Truth be told he has no idea what he was expecting the moment Steven texted him at one fucking AM to ask if he could come over, but being immediately tackled in an intense vice-grip of a hug the second he opened the door probably wasn’t it.

He struggles not to stumble backwards at the initial force of the teen’s silent yet yearning embrace, eventually regaining his stability and... slowly, delicately... hugging him back. Honestly, he’s never been much of a hugger himself, but eh. He’ll give the guy this one. After a brief moment Lars gives him a few awkward pats, clearing his throat.

“Uh, Steven? You good to let go, now?” he asks quietly, still keeping his voice in a whisper for his parents’ benefit.

“Oh! Y-yeah, yeah,” his younger friend stammers, immediately pulling himself away. His eyes are drawn to the floor as he wrings his hands together. Timid. “Sorry, I just— I just needed somewhere I could clear my head tonight. Thank you, by the way.”

“No problem,” he throws back, gesturing for him to follow up the stairs. “‘S not like I ever sleep a wink now anyways. So I might as well have company.”

The two of them tiptoe towards the attic, a familiar setting for both. Steven’s been in here quite a few times before, so— already knowing the lay of the land— he plops himself down in the beanbag chair Lars keeps at the foot of his bed. They don’t talk about much of anything at first, merely passing back and forth brief updates about their lives. Small talk, nothing more. As expected though, Steven’s update is infinitely more interesting than his. Apparently he went on some mission to an alien planet with that Lapis friend of his the other day and had to deal with the attitude of some stubborn terraformers who didn’t want to stop working on their shitty old Homeworld assignment. (Meanwhile, the only update he has to offer is how he’s teaching Blue Lace Agate the art of bad baking puns while at work. Gotta leave behind some sort of legacy before he leaves with his fellow Off-Colors, of course.)

When the small talk finally dries up, (which seems... uncharacteristic, given the typical enthusiasm of his current visitor), Lars offers him a second controller.

“We can play the go-kart one, if you want,” he says, knowing full well that his friend isn’t a huge fan of all his war-themed combat games. Still, he figures the guy could probably stand to blow off a little steam. He looks super stressed, with his brow all creased and his stare unnervingly glassy.

The sixteen-year-old nods, adjusting his hands around the grips of the controller as Lars switches out the disk.

They race a few rounds in relative quiet, wholly insulated by the reassuring stillness of the night all around them, before Steven decides to open up again.

“Where do you think the line is?” he asks when they finish their current course.

His whole face scrunches in confusion. “Huh?”

“Between like, doing bad things, and outright being bad?” he continues, seemingly unaware of the comedic pulse of Lars’ initial response.

Lars blinks.

Considers these words deeply and thoroughly for a moment, as any good friend should.

And then...

“Where the heck did you pull that question from?”

Steven merely shrugs, his shoulders drooping a bit lower than they had been when he first entered his house a while back. “I dunno, just musing, ‘s all.”

The edges of his mouth curl downwards as he lets this corker of a conversation starter wash over him, not so much intended as a frown at Steven, but a frown at... whatever force of this universe would lead his friend to start musing about such depressing philosophical quandaries in the first place. Acting numb and brooding at the rest of the world is supposed to be his job, not this kid’s! And sure, yes, yes, yes, he knows he can’t exactly call him a kid anymore— at least not to his face— and that he’s been a teenager for a good three years now. It’s just that... well. For all his complaints about it earlier in life, Lars kinda grew to respect and feel uplifted by his cheery, upbeat, never-give-up-hope outlook. Dare he says, he kinda misses it.

(And for Steven’s sake, he kinda hoped he’d never discover the burnout and cynicism waiting on the other side. Alas, he fears that ship has probably sailed.)

“Sorry,” the sixteen-year-old mumbles upon noting his extended silence, his cheeks flushed with shame. “Probably not something anyone wants to think about at two in the morning. Just- forget I said anything, okay? Let’s play one more round, and then I can lea—“

Eyes widening, he holds up a hand to intercept that train of thought. “No, that’s— you asked an interesting question. Deep, but interesting. It’s fine, I don’t mind. I...”

He inhales deep, collecting his wits and whatever years of wisdom he may or may not have accumulated ever since dying and coming back to life.

“I suppose in my mind, people aren’t truly bad unless they intend to cause harm, y’know?” he begins, meeting Steven’s eyes. “You can still hurt others without meaning it, and like... that’s still not great, and you should still try and make up for it however you can, but... life’s complicated. People are complicated. It’s all a huge mess of emotions and ethics and beliefs all the time.”

He pauses, a twinge of melancholy rising within his chest as he catches a glimpse of a photograph hung on one of the wooden support beams at the far wall. It’s a selfie of him and Sadie he printed out a few years back when they were still low-key dating, one that— for the life of him— he can’t bear to take down. She’s kissing his cheek. He’s caught in the middle of laughter, playfully trying to nudge her away. They look... so young.

So naive.

(So human.)

“And sometimes it can be so, so easy to convince yourself that you’re always in the right,” he continues, quieter, “that people feeling hurt because of something you did is just their problem. In that case, it’s not that you wanted to harm anyone, it’s just... that you were blind to it, I guess.”

(And he was blind for a long, long time.)

“Like I said, it’s messy.”

Lars sighs, willfully averting his glance from the photographic reminder of all the ways he ignorantly fucked up with Sadie as a friend and partner, and with everyone in his life, making the same stupid mistakes over and over with nearly no improvement until he literally died to his old self.

“So, yeah. There. I guess that’s my opinion,” he mumbles, absentmindedly fiddling with the collar of his graphic tee. “Everyone makes bad choices sometimes, but you’re not actually a bad person unless you literally want to harm others. I don’t think people are bad once and bad forever, though,” he adds, pulling his hand away from his shirt.

Inhaling deep, he splays his palm wide, admiring those same old loops and whorls at the tips of his fingers, identical in every detail to his old, living, human self... but now pink. It's haunting, sometimes.

“People can change, y’know? If they make the effort to.”

When he finally glances back at Steven, he seems thoroughly spaced out by all his impassioned rambling, his gaze walleyed and void of any identifiable emotion. He scowls, unsure whether or not he should feel offended, and gives an exaggerated shrug to defuse the sickeningly earnest atmosphere out of this room.

“But hey, I’m biased,” he mutters, letting that instinctual, age-old self-depreciation coat his tone once more. “For all I know, everything I said could be absolute bunk, and I’m still just an asshole.”

“I don’t think you’re an asshole, Lars,” Steven finally speaks up, his expression still perplexingly unreadable.

“I—“ His eyes blow wider, the sheer frankness of this comment catching him entirely off guard, overturning all of his once-impenetrable defenses. “...Thank you. I’m trying not to be.”

The conversation doesn’t advance any further from there, both parties content to fade back into the understated comfort of silent companionship. They play a few more rounds of their racing game, Lars beating Steven handily each time. (Truth be told, he’s not confident he’s bringing his A-game, though.) Then, sometime around three AM, his friend drags himself out of the beanbag chair and announces that he should probably head home and get some rest. Apparently he’s got a lot of planning to do for Little Homeschool's graduation ceremony that’s happening in a few days, or whatever. Which, is fair. Not everyone is blessed enough to be a sleepless zombie like him.

“Y’know, it’s been nice, getting to hang out, just us,” Steven says— quiet, but genuine— as Lars leads him back down the stairs. “We should do this more often.”

Purposefully, given the unusual emotional atmosphere of this whole visit, he decides not to mention the fact that he's planning to leave Earth again when his all Gem friends finally graduate. Later, he thinks, when everyone's in a better place.

“Well, if you’re ever bored, you know where to reach me,” he replies as they reach the bottom step, fondly rolling his eyes. “The good ol’ inter-hair-mensional express. Just, y’know— text me. And not during work hours.”

The teen gives his thanks once again, and then exits out the front, making sure to be extra gentle shutting the door on his way out for his parents’ sake. Huh. Seems that even when he’s (seemingly) in a funk, he’s capable of being uber courteous like that. Goodness, how does he do it?

Lars stands motionless at the entryway for a few moments after he’s gone, staring blankly at the now empty space the sixteen-year-old just occupied. His brow furrows, his fingers curling in perplexion at his side. He doesn’t have enough insight into Steven’s inner life to claim anything for sure, but he can’t help but feel like something with that boy was... off, tonight. Like, beyond your standard teenage moodiness. His demeanor, his bizarre and specific question, his relative silence... it all seems to be pointing towards something, lurking in the background. Still, there’s little he can do for a person who’s not volunteering information. And it ain’t his job to drag it out of him, either. He always hated when his parents tried to do that when he was younger, and it almost ruined their relationship entirely. That’s the last sorta scenario he’d want to force upon Steven. He’ll open up when he’s ready, in the end.

And until then... well.

He just hopes that the kid knows that— beyond the bizarre magic portal in that pink lion’s mane— he’s always got a brother on the other side who’s willing to at least listen. To be but a small source of support.

If he wants him to be.

[beebubb]

I read your LJ and will headcanons and i really love them! Can you perhaps make some headcanons of when LJ had to take care of baby william? Like how would he treat him when he hated him and then when he actually grew to like him?

Ahhhhhh!!! Yessss!!! I'm gonna make this a post of LJ taking care or will from newborn to now

LJ taking care of william grossman headcanons (childhood all the way to now) + a bit of will's back story

Will as a baby

Will was assigned to LJ before will was even born

So while everyone was celebrating the pregnancy, LJ was just pissed

"GODDAMNIT THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T USE PROTECTION!!"

no one could hear or see him obviously, so he could say what ever he wanted

He just look at the dad be like "i bet that brat isn't even yours!"

He would just DREAD the day will was finally born

When will was born, and his mom finally came back home with will in her arms, was when he finally met him

".....he looks exactly like fucking isaac goddamnit!!!!"

He wouldn't take care of will and could care less about him

He would appear to will whenever he was alone in the nursery room and just say the meanest things to him or just hate anything will did

".....you're the cum shot your mom should have swallowed...."

"can you shut the fuck up?!?"

*carrying him* "go to hell you annoying waste of space"

"i wish I could take your eye out like I did to your fucking grandpa....."

"you know I can gut you whenever I feel like it"

Or just make dark jokes

"i can knock all your teeth over just like isaac! Wait, you don't have any! Hahaha!!"

LJ doesn't admit but, when he was watching over will, he just started crying, he was just so overwhelmed by everything, especially knowing he was stuck with his enemy's grandkid "i hate that i'm stuck with you!!! Why the fuck would you even want me?!? You're just going to abandon me just like your damn grandfather!!!"

With time though, he started growing fond of him

Will was really close to LJ. He would just smile to him, laugh, grab his pointy nose, and even if jack rarely carried him, you know those feathers jack has on his shoulders? Will would immediatly fall asleep with those

Once LJ was a bit more ready to care for him, was when he actually started trying

"Alright, i'm your guardian! I hate it! But if i'm stuck with you, i'm going to raise you MY way!"

"I'm the one protecting you so you BETTER say my name as your first word, got it?"

It took him a bit to warm up to him but it eventually came along

Will was a cuddly baby, so he loved to sleep on LJ's shoulder and grab his nose

"let go of my nose before I kill you"

When he was finally attached to will, he was acting more of a parent than anyone.

He would hate it if someone didn't take proper care of him

"you're holding him wrong!"

"he doesn't like to be held like that!"

"you're supposed to put 2 scoops of formula! Not 1!!"

"goddamnit I'm doing most of the work here!!!"

"if yall wanted a kid you should atleast know to care for it!"

Will's first word was JJ.

It was his attempt at saying LJ

"holy shit!!! That's not my name but it's close!! I knew it!!"

His mom and dad saw it as insignificant and thought it was just those weird baby noises that babies make

But LJ knew what he meant and was more happy than ever

"he likes me more!! In your face assholes!!"

Will as a toddler

LJ was there for his first words, so he was also there for will's first steps

Will was also a very energetic kid, and once he started crawling and walking, it was more chaos for his parents

They had to baby proof a lot of things

But LJ could keep up with his energy, and sometimes even tire him

Though there was this one time when will called him "daddy" and his dad thought he was calling him but actually, he was talking to LJ

Many think that LJ might hate to be called that sense well, you know, he hates children, but he honestly didn't know how to feel. He was a bit surprised, a bit happy, and confused

He didn't deny it, it was just like

Toddler will: daddy! Daddy!

LJ: um....uh... Lets keep playing ok?

LJ loved will and was happy to care for him and pretty much the hate he had towards him was pretty much gone but, he didn't really know how to feel

He let it slide but will called him that a lot

LJ would get a bit emotional sometimes but he would just try to ignore it and keep playing with will

Or he would just slightly smile

Will as a kid (4-11)

Will was now more aware and way more energetic

Which was more fun for LJ

Will didn't have many friends, except for LJ

Even if he was happy and energetic, will was a shy child at school.

Also he didn't play with anyone except jack

The teachers thought that will was weird and called his parents a lot

The teachers would always say stuff like "he doesn't play with any of the other children, and talks alone like if he were talking with someone else especially someone he says is called" jack", is everything OK at home? Have you seen a family psychologist?"

Will was actually taken to a few therapy sessions but he wasn't diagnosed with any mental illnesses. So people just assumed that will just had a really active imagination and that jack was just an imaginary friend

Though will being "weird" just meant he was gonna be an easy target to get bullied

But jack wouldn't let that happen. He wouldn't let some asshole kids ruin will's childhood

Sometimes when the kids would go to the bathroom or just go to the hallway to the drinking fountain, he would scare them by turning the lights on and off

Or he would even follow them home and would make his claw like hands appear from inside their closets or under their beds.

Sometimes he would even grab their legs which would terrify the kids

They soon stopped bothering will because "jack will come and get you!"

So will had a pretty good childhood thanks to Jack sense he would protect him of pretty much everything

When will was in kindergarden they had arts and crafts, he would sometimes draw his mom and his dad together but mostly his drawings were of jack

The teachers thought the parents were irresponsible because lets say that sometimes will's drawing were a bit graphic or creepy and they thought that it was because will watched too much horror movies

Teacher: what are you drawing, William?

Will: it's Jack and I!

Teacher: oh that's nice! But.. What.. What are you doing with Jack?

Will: We're using the stuff inside the guy's belly to make balloon animals! *keeps drawing* jack said that I'll be a killer when I grow up!

Jack was just a proud clown guardian

Jack's prized possession was a drawing that will made of the two of them. It just made him feel really appreciated. Also he encouraged will to play with the kids but will just preferred LJ

LJ: you know that you can play with the other kids right?

Will: i don't want to! I don't like the other kids! I want to be with you, you're my best friend!

It was just fun with will that someday jack would spend days laughing and laughing that sometimes it felt like he would get his colors back

Also will learned to cuss at a young age. And everyone can already guess where he got that from

He was a horror movie fan

Which is why he always said "i want to be like Jason when I grow up!"

"i want to do what leatherface does!"

"I'm going to be just like ghostface!"

But when LJ told him about the pastas, is when he started admiring them

"when I grow up, I'm going to work for slenderman!!"

Also you know in that one comic page where will was at the institution and said "i am the one and only grossman! And I will become the greatest killer the world and the underworld has ever seen!"

Well he had been saying that ever sense he was a kid

Will's mom was a really caring and nice mother but she would soon start getting angry every time will said he wanted to be a killer

Everytime the family got together or the neighbors would ask will what he wanted to be when he grew up, will's mom would always get embarrassed and try to change the answer

Neighbor: what do you want to be when you grow up?

Will: i want to be a killer!

Mom: AN ACTOR!! he wants to be an actor!! He just.. Um... Has seen so many horror movies and well he likes the actors! So he wants to be one!

Will would always get scolded by his mom or get grounded

"William, i told you a million times!!! Stop saying you want to be a killer!!! That doesn't exists! Just choose something normal!!"

William would sometimes just stand or sit in the corner and cry

LJ was always there to comfort him

"Don't cry buddy! Don't listen to that bitch! You will be a killer!"

His mom would get annoyed a lot of will talking about LJ

"You're six!!! You're old enough to know that jack is just an imaginary friend!"

"He's not imaginary!!!!"

And ever sense will knew about the underworld, that's the only place he would talk about.

Will: LJ please take me with you!! I want to go to the under realm! I want to meet jeff the killer! And ben! And masky! And slenderman!

LJ: i can't take you now but i promise i will when you're older!

Will loved his parents but he slowly started disliking them.

His mom always seemed embarrassed of him and his dad was becoming distant

The day that his parents got divorced, he did cry a few days.

He would always ask LJ "did dad leave because of me?"

But jack was there to reassure him it wasn't his fault.

"He's just a deadbeat bitch dad! But i'll be here for you! You don't need him!"

LJ pretty much took a fatherly role to will but never realised it

In will's school he had this "bring your parent to school day" thing and he didn't tell his mom, he wanted LJ to come

LJ didn't have a human disguise like the other pastas sense he was technically an imaginary friend. So he had to consult the rulers of hell to give him a temporary one or grant him that ability

LJ: Come on please! He really wants me to attend! Lend me a fucking hand here!

Paimon: i don't know, your job is just to protect him, you don't NEED to attend something as simple as a school event, he has his mother

LJ: i know but my boy wants ME to come! He doesn't want his damn mother to go!

Yeah, LJ called him "his boy"

He was more of a father than ever even if he didn't admit it

Bael: *sighs* fine, we'll give you a disguise just for today

LJ: yes! Thank you!

And LJ was able to go to will's school, he just presented himself as will's uncle

Will was happier than ever

Jack tried to act normal so he made up lies of his career

"Oh um i'm a....surgeon!"

Being a surgeon was the closest thing to his actual job. I mean, they both take out people's guts right?

Will as a teen (13-17) (basically now)

Will had a bit of an emo phase but not completely. It only appeared whenever he was with his mom

Only when he was with his mom he was distant and always seemed annoyed

He became the typical angsty teen. Started drinking, getting piercings, dying his hair, wear black, eyeliner, etc

Mom: another piercing?!

Will: yeah! Why do you care!?! I'm already an embarrassment to you aren't i?!

They would get into arguments a lot

Especially because of his sexuality

His mom didn't respect will's privacy so he would always check his texts, pictures, etc

"You're talking with girls AND boys?!?!"

Will was bisexual but only LJ knew obviously.

"If my boy likes guys then fucking let him!!! Stupid bitch!!!"

Though no matter who won the argument, it always ended with will crying or just laying on his bed listening to music

William would run away a LOT

Him and LJ had found an abandoned hospital where they would always hang out.

Will could be himself with LJ

His mood and attitude completely changed there.

They would drink beer together, tell jokes, prank random people in the streets, or just do random things

"Look at this street sign i stole!!"

But how did will finally go to the underworld? A family argument in will's 16th birthday

His mom invited everyone to the house.

But will was uninterested

And his mom like always, didn't want to "be embarrassed" by will, so he forced him to wear something else besides black, to take all of his piercings off, and didn't let him dye his hair

Everyone was there eating together

But will, like always, was distant

Uncle: so how are things in school?

Will: everything's fine

Cousin: what college are you going to?

Will: *shrugs*

Will hated his party.

LJ: enjoying your sweet 16? Haha!

Will: i hate it....

LJ frowned seeing him upset in his own birthday, but he gave him something

LJ: hey, i got you a little something! I know you want to be a killer so here!

He gave will the bird mask

Will: ! My...my first killer mask?!

LJ: yep!

Will: holy shit!!! Thank you! *puts it on* i love it!! I look like an actual serial killer!

LJ: i knew you would like it!

Will was super happy with his mask but he was called outside to cut the cake

"Cut your cake bud! Once this party is over, how about we go get some drinks?"

Will smiled "alright!"

He went out to cut his cake.

A few hours later though, everything was ruined

Will had another argument with his mom.

Will: I'M your son!!! Not them!!! Why do you like them more?!

Mom: i do like you will! I just...i just want you to be normal like them! I want you to want a normal career! To do better in school! To dress differently, and like girls!

Will: i DO like girls!!!

Mom: then why were you talking to boys?!?

Everyone just looked at will in shock

Will: b-because.....because i'm fucking bisexual!!! I like boys AND girls!! I'm not gay!!! There's a difference!!!

Mom: but you like boys!! That's not normal!! Nothing of you is normal!! Liking boys isn't normal! And being a killer isn't normal either!!

Will: oh so you hate me for being me?!?! I fucking hate you!!! You make my life a living hell!!!

Will stormed off to his room and locked himself and started sobbing.

Jack saw everything. He would have killed will's mom but everyone was there, plus he wasn't allowed to (a disadvantage of having a deal with the rulers of hell)

Will felt humiliated infront of the whole family

Jack saw how upset he was, so that's when he finally made up his mind

LJ: hey, remember when i told you i was bringing you to the underworld one day?

Will: *wiping away his tears* y-yeah?

LJ: well, that's today!

Will: wait, really?!?

Will immediately sat up his a smile on his face

LJ: yep! How about we leave this place? Let's go to to the underworld! You won't have to worry about your mom anymore! Or that shitty family of yours!

Will: yes!!!!! Yes I'd love that!!!

LJ: then pack your things and lets go!

Will got up from his bed and started packing. And once he was done, he just stood up smiling with his bags in hand

Will: let's go!!

LJ covered will's eyes with his hands.

And before Will knew it, he was in the underworld.

And that's when will finally started a new life.

LJ didn't have a luxurious life to give will but will loved it. Even if they lived in a shitty apartment, will was more happy than ever.

Will was still underage so LJ took care of getting him registered as an official underworld citizen and getting all the paper work done to have full custody of will as his guardian

So he basically adopted will

Will: i can actually be a killer here right?

LJ: yep! There's actually an institution for killers! So I'll start working on enrolling you in!

Will: yes!!!

And that's basically how their lives started

[okaybutlikeimagine]

can we get a thing where the day before, steve and billy had an almost kiss and then billy ran away and avoids steve. the next day steve finds billy out in the quarry at night drunk off his ass and steve is like “stop avoiding me! you can’t hide who you are” and billy just keeps drinking and kinda crying and steve’s like “what? you wanna hit me to feel like a man? do it coward!” and then billy does and he hits steve but then he breaks down and steve gets up and tells him it’s okay and kisses him

Hi Billy would 150% do this bc he’s Dumb and Scared and Anxiety Ridden.

TW: internalized homophobia, swearing, light blood

Like……. The boy…………………………….. Is terrified.

The boy has fear in his bloodstream and he doesn’t know what to do about being in love bc he’s had crushes on boys, sure. Back in Cali he knew where to go and who to talk to. There was a lot less (metaphorical) broken glass to be wary of in Cali. he knew he wasn’t going to get tarred and feathered out in San Diego.

But like….. He’s falling in love.

And damn is it terrifying. It’s completely terrifying.

And some part of him feels like it’s not supposed to feel this way. He’s not supposed to get this much anxiety over having Emotions but there’s a hell of a lot of stuff that has led to him getting freaked the fuck out over this so…. Yeah. here he is.

He’s been hanging out with Steve for a couple of months now, laughing and enjoying himself and poking fun at the boy and it’s been a lot but it’s been fun as hell and maybe that’s the scariest part?? Is how fun it’s been.

Bc everything that’s fun has to stop. Life isn’t constant fun or constant pain, it’s mostly constant emptiness. That’s how Billy has seen it. Felt it. Constant emptiness with a swirl of pain folded in, sprinkled with some fun on top. Not a lot of promise, not a lot of hope, not a lot of excitement, just something There. Something to keep him bobbing above water.

But this has been fun. Running around at night on the streets is fun. Driving fast down the straightaways near the farmhouses on the outskirts of town is fun. Visiting 24 hr. diners with greasy food that gives him a stomach ache is fun. Blasting music as they race through the night or as they walk through the streets or as they sit in the woods and smoke like they’re not afraid of the dark, not when they have the flames of their lighters, is just so much fucking fun.

But the thing is, now he can’t look into Steve’s eyes without wanting to drown in them. He doesn’t wanna just barely bob above the water anymore, he wants to sink in. He always thought the sinking was the pain but hey, maybe now the water he’s treading is the fun. The excitement. The thrill he just has to succumb to. Maybe the pain is being pulled out of that. Away from that. Not being given that.

The thing is, he can’t let himself drown in it bc he needs to stay cautious. Alert. In a shit town like this, people are the scariest things. There are actual monsters that look like fucking eldritch horrors and people are still the scariest things of any small town in the Midwest. That’s how Billy sees it.

But…

But this new home Billy has, with Hop and El... is like… making him feel safe or some shit. Making him feel good. Feel comfortable. Feel at home.

And it makes him a little dumb.

Dumb enough to let himself make stupid decisions. To get drunk off the light of the evening as it hits Steve so prettily. As the smoke of the joint they’re sharing floats it’s way out of Steve’s pursed lips and into the air. Slips around the warm breeze like it’s a waltz but Billy’s barely paying attention to that bc the real art is Steve’s fucking mouth. His eyes as they flutter a bit in the orange setting sun. the dark fan of his eyelashes on his pale cheekbones. The way he leans back, tilts his head back, chuckles a little into the light of the setting sun like he always does bc weed makes him giggly and free.

And Billy just can’t fucking take it anymore.

“Do you think bugs get scared?” Steve asks.

It’s that chocolate hair. It’s gotta be. When it breaks loose from its hold and starts to fall into his face. When a soft, little strand gets caught at the corner of his mouth and he smiles. He always smiles when that happens. Licks at it a little sometimes when he’s really high out of his mind bc he thinks it’ll help dislodge it. It drives Billy out of his mind.

“Not scared… what’s the word….” Steve continues.

It’s his eyes. Those doe eyes. Fucking Bambi-like doe eyes. The boy could be a goddamn Disney character. It’s almost sickening. Billy’s so obsessed with those eyes he thinks he’s been poisoned. There has to be some kind of spell. There’s no way he’s lost his cool this hard just because of a normal boy with normal eyes. They’re different. Special. Some kind of fucking witchcraft.

“Like when you’re all worried and stressed…” Steve is still going on.

It’s everything. It’s his fucking hair and his eyes and his eyebrows and his nose and his chin and his cheekbones and his lips holy shit his lips. He didn’t want to get caught up in his lips like that but just... . just the sight of them. They look so soft and warm and inviting and pliable. So pink like there’s gloss on them or something. They always look like that. He’s always licking and biting at them for whatever reason. Billy’s pretty sure it’s to drive him nuts.

“Anxiety. Do you think bugs get anxiety?” Steve’s still talking.

It’s absolutely everything. It’s what his lips do that draws Billy in. It’s the little smile that curls across them, it’s the way they’re bitten when Steve is nervous, it’s the way they’re licked when Steve is thinking hard about something. It’s the things they say, like the jokes they make and the compliments they pay. It’s the things behind them and inside of Steve that really melt Billy and seriously, maybe that’s the scariest part. This isn’t just physical. It’s not just because Steve is pretty.

It’s because Steve is special. Every part of him is special. The way he talks and looks and acts and carries himself is so fucking special. AND pretty.

“Something interesting worth looking at, curly?” Steve’s voice is so far away it’s too far away.

He’s so goddamn pretty. So pretty it’s magnetic and Billy’s being pulled in, dragged in, pushed in, rushed in. So pretty it’s insane and honestly? Should be illegal but Billy’s not gonna sit here and complain. He’ll become a fugitive with this boy- the prettiest boy in Hawkins.

He’s being pulled in and his eyes are lidded bc he’s so fucking amazed and he’s sitting up and Steve is sitting up with his head turned to face him and Billy needs to touch. Needs it so much, so badly, especially now that they’re so close they’re sharing each other’s breath and-

“Uh… Billy?” Steve asks on a whisper on Billy’s tongue.

… Shit.

 That’s what breaks him out of it.

His mouth is open slightly, waiting for something he can’t give himself now bc shit shit shit he’s too close. He’s so close Steve is breathing on his mouth right now, right onto his tongue he’s too close.

His breath is labored and in an instant, he’s pulling away. Leaning back so far and so suddenly that he nearly falls backwards and he can just vaguely make out Steve looking for all the world shocked out of his mind.

Billy scrambles.

He’s usually pretty graceful and sure of his movements but at this very moment he’s become a newborn colt. He’s all limbs and wobbly knees fueled by one viciously racing heart as he scrambles up and into his car, ignoring Steve all the way, not even registering until he’s halfway home that the boy was yelling about not having a ride back.

He walks into the house a storm of fear and… and anxiety. Right now Billy knows for fucking sure that bugs don’t get anxious bc he has all of the world’s anxiety in his chest and that is not overdramatic, thank you. he snaps at Hop and refuses to eat dinner and wraps himself in a blanket and just barely remembers to change out of his jeans before he’s rushing to the bathroom to shuck all of his clothes off and change bc damn he doesn’t want anything to ever remind him of this night or that moment where he… where he lost the only goddamn true friend he had in this shithole town goddamnit.

He’s pissed at himself.

And he can’t face Steve ever again.

So he avoids him. Fullheartedly avoids him. If he ever catches Steve’s eye, he’s out of the situation in an instant. He’s not sly about it, but he’s not sure how to be. He runs around any chance of seeing him until he finds himself at the liquor store on the edge of town that lets him buy alcohol even though he’s underage and (now) the son of the Chief. Buys as much alcohol as he can with the money he has and drives out to the quarry. He does it on habit, mostly. He feels idiotic, but he… he hasn’t been able to get his mind off that night and he… goes right out to where they were that night. Where they were when he nearly kissed…

He’s just feeling sadistic. He just wants to feel the memory of it burn in his chest right alongside the alcohol bc that’ll make him think he’s not insane for feeling so utterly fucking broken these past couple of days. So he sits and he drinks. Drinks himself dizzy- until the lines between what hurts and what doesn’t blur and he’s wobbling while sitting down and getting loose and isn’t this supposed to feel better why doesn’t this feel better and-

“Ha. Knew I’d find you.”

Billy’s chest jumps and halts. His joints go weak, even while he’s sitting. His legs have cold pinpricks in them.

Steve is here. He hears the footsteps come closer.

“If you wanna hide from me, you shouldn’t be so predictable.”

He’s probably talking about the fact that Billy is sitting exactly where they were that day.

Shit.

And Billy thinks maybe his heart has the right idea; beating so wildly it feels like it’s going to leave his chest. And then Billy is following his heart, scrambling to get up, walking away quickly, careful not to run bc his biggest fear is looking desperate and that includes being desperate to walk away and if there’s one thing Billy isn’t, it’s desperate.

“Billy?”

Billy’s walking quickly.

“Billy cut it out!”

Steve’s footsteps are getting faster. He’s jogging to catch up with him.

“You idiot, stop running away! What are you even running from?”

Billy’s shaking. His mind is running faster than he is, the words circling his mind because he doesn’t know. He knows he’s running from something, as slow as possible, really, but he doesn’t know. He doesn’t have answers for him, he doesn’t have answers for himself he just… he doesn’t know. But getting out of this situation feels like the best idea… at least like it’ll relieve some of the pressure building in chest and at this point that’s really all he wants he just wants out he wants away he want out out out out-

“Hargrove! You know, it’s a pretty dick move to almost kiss me and then run away-”

And that does it. That does Billy in immediately. He rounds on Steve, as quickly as he can in his drunken state, stumbling just a bit, world going even fuzzier than it was before, pain coming in quicker, filling every corner of him, mixing in with fear and… and…. And-

“Shut up.” He growls, teeth bared, feeling feral. Maybe he should have smoked instead of drank. But smoking isn’t what he wanted. He knows it’s not. He knows what he wanted was that familiar feeling of boiling over. What he’s feeling right now. In some odd way he wanted suffering. And he’s getting it. At the hands… no, at the tip of Steve Harrington’s tongue... he’s getting it.

He’s boiling with it. With suffering and something else… something that feels more dangerous, more poisonous, more angering.

“Or what?” Steve spits back, face blooming red with anger, even by the moonlight. Eyes harsh and hard, teeth clacking shut with aggression.

Billy’s boiling. Every inch of him on edge, hanging by a thread. He’s gonna…. he’s gonna-

He’s gonna fall over. The world is liquid beneath him. He’s stumbling.

“I didn’t kiss you.” Billy growls with as much anger as he can muster as he tries to find purchase on the ground again. He hears his own voice, miles and miles away from right now, hissing to “plant your feet”

“I know you didn’t, you asshole-”

“I’m not a fucking fairy.”

Billy spits it out. Spits some actual spit out too, afterwards. He feels a little sick.

He’s so wobbly, he doesn’t even see Steve. Not clearly. Doesn’t see the look of shock on Steve’s face.

Because Billy doesn’t know. He doesn’t know how Steve has been up every night of the week, staring into the darkness, tossing in his bed, wrestling with himself and his thoughts and the feeling of Billy’s breath on his lips. How close they were. How he didn’t even notice, not until it was too late and Billy was scrambling away and out of his fucking life…? For some reason? With no discernable reason bc they were alone and he didn’t say anything and... 

He’s figured that he did something wrong. He scared the boy away. He somehow egged the boy on to do what he did… or nearly do what he did and that grossed Billy out and made him run. Made him so ashamed of Steve that he can’t even look at Steve without feeling grossed out again. He feels… he feels…

Ashamed. Like the fairy Billy swears he himself is not.

“Oh yeah?” Steve asks darkly. He feels dark. He feels angry. He’s not sure at who yet.

“Yeah.” Billy growls again, fists clenching tight. Steve’s eyes shift down to notice them.

“What? You gonna hit me?”

Billy’s growling heavily, mad at everything, shaking out of anger.

…. Yeah it’s out of anger. It has to be out of anger. He can’t fathom it being anything other than anger it’s anger.

“You wanna prove something?” Steve growls back, biting at the air, irritated to high hell, furious. Furious and frustrated. “What’s it gonna prove, huh? That you’re a man?”

Billy’s short fingernails are digging into the skin on his hands. His muscles are aching from how taut they are. He’s strung out.

He doesn’t have an answer. He doesn’t have any answers.

“You gonna hit me?” Steve’s voice is lower… more dangerous. It lights Billy’s blood on fire and suddenly he’s being shoved. Incited. Steve’s hands give Billy’s chest a quick push and it sends sparks through him in the wrong ways, the wrong wrong ways, the ways that don’t make him actually angry. The ways that make him want him to touch him more and maybe he is mad maybe he just wants it all over maybe…

“Well? You gonna hit me or what?”

… maybe Billy is gonna hit him. He’s getting shoved again.

“Hit me, you coward.” Steve says again, a weird lilt in his voice that sounds like a chuckle. Steve can’t help it. He’s over this he wants it done with he wants… he wants…. Hewantshewantshewants-

“Hit me!”

Billy sees red. His fist swings. His world is blurry. It’s blurry and red and angry and-

And….

He makes impact. Steve is stumbling. Billy’s sure bc he finally has his feet grounded. Steve’s face is turned away, hand at his face, hissing obscenities quietly and…

He pulls his hand away and it’s blood. Billy’s world is red and slowly turning blue. Slowly coming back to match the hue of the moon and the water and the clear sky as Steve looks down at his own blood on his hand.

Steve looks up at Billy.

Billy looks down at his own hand now. At his ring. At Steve’s ring, technically. Steve’s class ring that Billy “stole’” from the boy. As “collateral” Billy had said when he picked the ring up off of Steve’s dresser. Collateral for taking Billy’s favorite leather jacket for some stupid party he was going to that Billy wasn’t able to be at. Something about looking tough or cool. Billy had rolled his eyes.

Billy hadn’t been aware at the time of taking it, exactly what it meant to other people. How… domestic it was to give your ring to someone else… how…

How stupid.

Billy’s world is turning blurry again and for a second he’s not sure why. Without his consent he’s being pitched into a blue, blurry world and there’s Steve’s blood and it’s from Steve’s own ring but Billy’s doing and Billy’s going to hurl.

He stumbles backwards, watching Steve’s eyes soften and he wants to be mad at them. Mad that Steve is soft in this moment that’s supposed to be razor sharp. Supposed to be shattered and dangerous. Supposed to cut them on it’s jagged edges.

But then Steve shifts to something tinted blue. His eyebrows shift and he’s… he’s sad. It’s the only thing Billy has seen clearly since he’s been here. Steve is sad and it’s hurting Billy’s heart and he’s going to run again, he’d rather run than be here, he’s so mad he really is mad but it’s at himself and he’s mad at that too but he can’t help it he just hurt Steve and his mind rushes in circles, floods itself with the memory of Steve beaten and bloody, again by Billy’s hand.

Billy’s world is blurry and he thinks it might be from tears.

And now he’s thumbing at the ring, twisting it around his finger and feeling sick. And… and guilty. And like all the weight of every decision he’s ever made is on his shoulders and damn this alcohol! And his heart is racing again, desperate to jump into the quarry desperate to run back home desperate to steal away into the woods and find an otherworldly monster desperate for anything. Anything other than this, anything that will get him away from this boy that he bloodied and he hates these tears he hates them.

“Billy-”

Billy turns..

“Billy!”

Billy wants.

Wants to be out of here wants to get away wants to find something to ease every burning part of his body.

So he slides the ring off his finger and throws it on the ground and leans his body forward, goes to rush away, gets his feet stuck for a second in the twigs and leaves underneath him, and then he’s really stuck bc his arm is being held and he’s being pulled back and he wants out please please please-

“Billy stop-”

“Get off of me- get off.”

“Billy cut it out!” Steve insists, gripping Billy’s wrist tighter as the muscled boy thrashes harder. and then he’s being pulled back, stumbling again and Steve’s arms are around him and he’s crying and he doesn’t wanna be. He’s thrashing and he doesn’t really wanna be doing that either. What he wants is… his bed. He wants to lay in bed his head is throbbing and all he can think about is shame and-

“It’s okay.” It’s Steve’s voice. Hushing Billy quietly.

“I’m sorry.” It’s out of Billy’s mouth without thought. It falls out like teeth in a nightmare. Helpless and frightened and vulnerable.

“It’s okay, Billy, it’s okay-”

Billy’s shaking and something about Steve’s arms around him make his blood settle a bit and then he’s being spun around and his head is still so insanely foggy.

“I’m sorry… fuck-”

“Billy shut up.” Steve chastises, blood smeared on his lip and then Billy can’t see that anymore because he’s being kissed and he melts.

Absolutely melts. Grabs Steve like he’s keeping him afloat, like he’s the only thing he’s made purchase on all night and the kisses he returns are sloppy and near frantic but this is it this is what he wanted what he’s been thinking about what he’s been battling with and if it ends he’ll have to think about it again. He’ll have to re-evaluate everything again and he doesn’t want that so he keeps Steve attached to him as much as he can, grabs at Steve like he’s going to stop existing if he ever lets go, fists at Steve’s shirt and then his hair because he needs to keep constant awareness that this is real he can’t float back into his mind again he can’t.

But then the need to breathe wins out and Steve pulls away first because he’s the clear headed one here and Steve is staring at Billy, eyes soft again, blood nearly smeared gone, looking at Billy like he’s the one that’s bleeding like he’s the one that’s broken and it does something to Billy that doesn’t necessarily make him angry. Not even in the slightest.

“Are you okay?” Steve asks like Billy shouldn’t be the one asking that very same thing.

Billy grabs Steve enough that he hopes it hurts.

“You fucking moron, I punched you like a minute ago.” Billy slurs out, pulling Steve back in for a kiss. It’s semi-subconsciously.

Steve rolls his eyes and holds back.

“I’m just… worried. Because you’ve been an idiot all day and… I dunno. I don’t want you hating me.”

“Don’t hate you~” Billy slurs again, stumbling a bit and causing Steve to grab on tighter.

“Yeah, well, I was worried. After you… and I… I was worried you, like, hated me or something. Because of… us… liking each other? Maybe?”

“Sick.” Billy garbles and Steve feels his face flush immediately. He knew he was right he knew he hated him he knew-

“Sick?” Steve asks feebly, gripping tighter at the boy in his arms who’s still swaying.

“I’m sick.” Billy mumbles, looking at the ground. It fills Steve’s chest with heat. Billy’s chest feels the same way but-

“No! No no it’s… well I dunno, really. But I don’t think it’s sick. I don’t think you’re sick, Billy, I think we’re just… why can’t we just be happy, y’know?”

“I’m… I’m... “ Billy starts again, swaying and heat in his belly and chest and-

“You’re okay, Billy, this is alright. I think it’s a happy thing-!”

“I’m gonna be sick.” Billy mumbles out before puking. Loudly. All over the ground, getting some on Steve’s shoes but he can’t see bc he’s still wobbly and Steve is grossed the fuck out.

“Ah!” Steve calls, jumping his feet back a bit while still keeping a hand on Billy who is now doubled over, puking on the ground. “Oh my god, asshole! I hope you didn’t puke on my ring!”

And so Billy wanders over to a large tree to puke next to it and Steve looks down at the ground, thinking absently about how his ring is definitely down there and he would look for it but… uhm… ew.

So he doesn’t. But he does drive Billy back to his house so the boy can rinse his mouth out and shower and have a couple of cups of coffee to hopefully sober him up a little bit. He calls the cabin to let Hop know where his son is. (Hop sounds a little less than happy about it but Steve assures him he’s safe.) And he gets a bit of food in Billy’s belly along with a couple of glasses of water and then, by the end of the night, they’re snuggled up in bed with each other, comfortable and warm and… happy. Good god so happy.

So happy that it almost permeates Billy’s raging hangover the next morning.

Y’know… almost.

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Im about to finally watch that NC review of The Wall after watching a bunch of videos about it and Im just gonna put my thoughts during it in this post

Okay I just checked this review has 85k dislikes, 22k likes and 1.5 million views Im scared

I also havent watched actually watched The Wall btw, but I did watch Folding Ideas video if that helps

Oh god I really liked NC in like 2019 and even the beginning of 2020 and his greeting is giving me vietnam flashbacks

I hate Dougs voice already

Okay a bunch of shit is happening

Now theyre just showing clips from the original movie but as a horrible montage with fire edited over it

Dougs face makes me uncomcortable and I hate looking at it

Hes singing again goddamnit

Thank god, an ad

He stopped singing again thank god

What the fuck is that

I hate those giggles theyre awful

Why is Doug Walker a vampire

The costuming is straight up awful what is the budget on this

The cg is so bad and outdated why did they even bother

What are these dance moves

Theyre mentioning twitter now???

I just watched that 3 musical minute sequence and I have no idea what Doug is even trying to say

He spat out a bird? Huh??

What

Bro the animation is so bad

This would literally be completely incoherent without the on the nose lyrics

"So long Oscar-bait song/smoke a bong and it'll feel less wrong" bro what

I havent even watched the fucking movie and even I know hes missing the point, how did I ever think his reviews were good

I didnt not need to see Doug Walker wailing about being Jesus while shirtless in front of badly edited stockphoto water

What is that

His acting is so bad and I still hate his face

Im not even halfway through

I just wanna go back to working on my AU while watching actually good longform reviews

I cant even read the comments bc I wanna focus on the review itself I hate it here

This frame is very blue. I love the color, but its kinda out of place and was probably not done on purpose

What now

What

Why

I wanna commit crimes

Have I mentioned that I hate looking at Dougs face

That was, without exageration, the worst sponsor Ive ever seen

ITS NOT OVER???

I too call the people I am writing a love letter to whiny and pretentious

Oh god

What in the world

I didnt think it was possible but Dougs singing voice just got worse

Dude they drew on his head with like, marker or something and I can see it smudge

He got all these people and all these props and had these wholeass songs written but he couldnt even brush his fucking teeth before going on Youtube

Okay theyre doing a full on twitter song

What is this shit

This is the most boomer centrist thing I have ever seen in my life

What the fuck was that

The eye imagery going on is geniuienly very unsettling and kind of disorienting but I cant really appreciate it bc its just so bad

What is that

AND AD THANK GOD

Back to the bullshit

What is that

The greenscreen looks so bad

Only 11 minutes lets fucking gooooooo

Doug Walker standing in that hallway doing a power stance is my new sleep paralasis demon

Dude what are they even doing

What is that squirrel thing on this random guys counter

I dont understand whats going on

What in the world is that furry nightmare squirrel in the studio

Why is the edgy cowboy furry OC lecturing me about The Arts

I legimately cant understand most of the words being said and I have no idea if its because my brain has been fried or because they just went with the first take of every line

This part of the review is usually praised as "the best part" so Im both intrigued and really scared

Oh god its another furry OC

Okay I actually quite like the design of the grey furry with the big hat and six arms I just really hate the way he moves, I think it would look better as a static model or preferably a 2d drawing

Another Ad!

I also like the black one with the white horns and red accents

Okay what the fuck is that

I mean the one with the way too many antlers is a bit better than the one before it but it looks like the designer kinda gave up at this point

This feels like an acid trip but in the worst way

I think this is the first thing Ive seen that had a dragon in it, that didnt make it better at all

I mean. i guess this is very impressive but why

I feel like every single voice actor for these creatures recorded the lyrics with a completely different mic

Hey, what the fuck

Well this sure is all happening

What

"Well, the movie ended on such an open vagueness that it only makes sense the the review end on such an open vagueness" hey fuckface, thats not how reviews work

Thank you musician guy who had no lines up until now (I think his name was Corey??)

All of this bullshit and for WHAT

Theyre singing the spongebob squarepants theme song

These 30 seconds where the most I enjoyed myself consecutively during this entire 40 minute video

I dont know how, but Doug Walker somehow manages to stay unlikeable even while hes shouting out a charity that probably does wonderful work

In conclusion, there is a total of 5 Things I Enjoyed in this 40 minute review:

That gray furry with the hat and six arms

That black furry with the horns and red accents and eyes

The shade of blue during that one very blue shot

The spongebob squarepants theme

Apparently Griff Taylor (the son of the musician guy, Corey Taylor) is a fan of NC for some reason and his dad pretty much did this for him, and I can appreciate that on some level

[javisjeanjacket]

CREATOR TAG GAME

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

Thank you for the tags @corellians-only and @din-damn-djarin !! 

1. Moon Song (poe dameron x fem!reader) I am really proud of this one because it was the first time I actually wrote authentically on this blog. I wrote using emotions that I felt in real life and that helped me create a better story. I am proud of myself for being vulnerable on the internet I guess! Lol

2. Splinter  (ezra x fem!reader) This one I just really love! Lol I think that I did a pretty good job of conveying a realized emotion in not very many words. 

3. Saturated Filter  (ezra x fem!reader) This is another one where I really pushed myself to dig into my own emotions and examine why I felt the way I felt. I think doing that made for a really compelling piece and helped me deal with my own shit in a way that I hadn’t been able to before. 

4. Hoops (javier pena x fem!reader) I know this seems like a weird one to put on my top 5 fics of 2020 list since it’s smut, but hear me out. I started this blog with a smut piece and it was almost as ~shy~ as you can be and still be considered smut lol. Comparing that one to this one is just a testament to how far I’ve grown this year and how much I’ve worked to accept that you don’t have to be afraid of any part of yourself. You are you and you deserve to take up space and you are allowed to want things GODDAMNIT.

5. Meet Me at Our Spot series (frankie morales x fem!reader) I'm really proud of this one because it was the first time I set out to write a series centered solely around fluff and happy feelings. Writing fluff is difficult for me and so writing a whole series full of it was something I thought I would never do! I guess mostly what I'm seeing is that I grew a lot this year, not only in skill level, but emotionally as well. :)

If you wanna: @mndalorians @oloreaa @anakinswhore @wasicskosgirl

[superthiccthighssavelives]

Give Me a Try Chapter 14

Surprise, surprise, Next chapter already! I made you all wait so long, I figured I would just post as I go along.instead of waiting at set times. Please enjoy.

@linseykalynn @alyss–in–wonderland @primaba11erina @autumnslovex

Chapter 14 - Excuses

I realize I was being irrational, crazy even. I mean, who has a fit over ice cream? I don’t know why he affects me so much, or why I keep running into him. It’s some weird, sick joke. Like I need another distraction, I need to focus. Yeah yeah yeah, I keep saying that don’t I?

I didn’t even look to see what I grabbed before I rushed off and threw my childish tantrum. Now I’m stuck with raspberry ripple, and goddamnit, I hate raspberry. I need to get this article finished, so I can get him off my mind, for good. And I did just that. The article, not the latter. Unfortunately.

I spent a few days busy at work, as usual, I asserted myself for once, and had a meeting with Noreen and Justin. I wanted them to know I appreciated everything they’ve done for me, and I am happy to continue, but I need to know that there’s room for me to grow. I ranted, raved, and pleaded my case for more meaty work. I knew being an intern, there wasn’t much of a guarantee in anything. They talked to Melanie, and she agreed to a meeting with me. Again, I went over everything, I practiced everything I wanted to say so many times in the mirror, I knew it by heart. 

Melanie seemed impressed, she deemed my article regarding the play, and the interview, worthy of being published, and assigned me a probationary column, about art, lifestyle, small events. I could not have been more excited. It not only gave me a chance to show off my writing, but to be able to get out more and enjoy the culture and happenings around my neighborhood. 

My weekends were finally a bit more relaxing. I took a walk down the street, to a cafe I’ve passed many times, it looked cozy enough to relax and get some work done, and scribble down some ideas and plan out some events to hit up. 

I was enjoying some music filling up my ears, eating a bagel, scouring facebook and the local lifestyle paper for goings-on, jotting them down in my calendar, when my eyes met with his. Seriously? Is he stalking me? I thought maybe he came to find me about the article, but that isn’t out until next month, closer to the opening of the play. 

I guess I should be glad he hasn’t come talk to me. I wonder why. I mean, I don’t know what I mean. His smile was distracting me, even if it wasn’t directed at me, but some fluttery girl babbling on to him. I got nosy, and had to take a pass by. She was asking him out. I tried to seem oblivious, still with my earbuds in, but the music had stopped. I felt a painful twist in my stomach hearing her speak and seeing the smile plastered on his face. I’m chalking it up to the cream cheese on the bagel. Or the coffee. Coffee never agreed with me. 

I felt strange. I just wanted to bolt. I couldn’t be there. I made a detour back to my table and escaped as fast as I could. I didn’t want to stick around for the outcome. 

My Saturday afternoon seemed a wash. I went home, and just sat on my futon staring at the wall. I don’t know why I feel like this. Yes I do. I just don’t want to admit it. I fought it with every single molecule inside me. I made excuses to myself, I’m probably going crazy. I needed some social interaction. I took a nap instead.

 I felt slightly better when I woke up, I made myself a real meal, I took a shower, and without even thinking I was getting dressed for a night out. My neglected eyeshadow palettes were put to use. I almost didn’t recognize myself, I don’t know if that was a good or bad thing. I remembered a band with a cult following was playing tonight a few blocks away, besides enjoying some music, I could collect some article info. A few drinks wouldn’t hurt either. 

The band was decent, typical alt-rock, nothing to write home about. I never considered myself a music snob, but I tended to sway toward the more obscure and unique. I threw back a couple drinks, jotted down my thoughts, and felt a strange loneliness. I looked at my phone, but realized I didn’t really have any friends here, or anywhere really. My friend in the states was so busy, we barely spoke. I don’t know if I could consider my work colleagues friends? Maybe. But I don’t think I could text them just to gossip. 

I did chat with a few of the band’s fans, getting their thoughts and what they liked so much about them. They were sweet, and after a few minutes, I decided I'd hit my threshold for the night and carried myself back home. 

I was hoping I’d be tired enough to sleep, but no dice. I picked up my abandoned sketch book and hoped for inspiration. The last thing I had attempted were hands. His hands. Sigh. 

I spent the rest of the weekend watching old black and white movies, and eating too many snacks. 

Having a column was pretty awesome, I’m not gonna lie, even if I haven’t had anything published yet. I was given enough freedom and time to get things together, so the lesser time making phone calls and yelling at people, the better.  But that also freed up time to think more. Not so sure that was a good idea. 

I ventured to a bookstore to see about finding some inspiration for my sketching. That would at least curb the thinking/feeling nonsense going on. All the books I needed were, of course, on the highest top shelf. I wasn’t tall by any means, and there was no ladder in sight, nor anyone to ask for help. I took it upon myself to do a little climbing, only the bottom shelf, standing on the very tips of my toes, my arm stretched as far as it would go, my short fingers trying to just reach a corner to pull it down. 

I felt my legs start to shake, I was extending myself too much, I tried to clutch onto anything in my grasp. Before I could hit the floor, something, or someone, had caught me. 

“Oh god, thank....” I shouldn’t be surprised, really. He must be stalking me.

“You.” 

“Me.”

“Are you stalking me?” 

He chuckled, shaking his head, obviously amused. 

“Sweetheart, don’t flatter yourself.”

“Funny, I see you everywhere I go.”

“How do I know you’re not stalking me?”

My eyes rolled involuntarily. His smile was starting to get on my nerves.

“Sure, I have absolutely nothing better to do than follow a…” I didn’t want to finish the sentence, because I really had nothing to say. My annoyance had no reason, not really. His presence just gets to me, and he totally knows it. He’s so, so, so...UGH!

His eyebrows were raised, an expectant look on his face, waiting. “A what?”

I shook my head. My mouth was closed, my eyes just boring into his. 

His gaze didn’t break either. It seemed like an eternity. The book I was so desperately reaching for was in his hands, tightly gripped.

“Can I please have that book?” I tried to use my most calm voice, even though inside I wanted to yet again, throw another tantrum.

“Only if you tell me what I apparently am, I am dying to know, come on then, out with it” He was definitely still entertained, his sly, irksome, stupid smile still spread across his face.

“Ugh! You’re so infuriating!” I couldn’t do this anymore, these feelings were getting stronger, and I wasn’t entirely sure if I wanted to choke him or throw myself at him. Maybe a little of both. The kiss flashed in my mind, and my eyes moved to his lips. I felt hot. I needed air. I couldn’t look away. My mouth watered. If I didn’t force myself out of here, this situation...I have to go.

I turned on my heel, attempting to just leave. I was caught by his hand gripping my arm. It set me on fire. Just that small touch. Fuck. 

I turned, facing him again, unsure of what was about to happen. 

He handed me the book, nodded and walked away.

Why did I feel so disappointed?

Chapter 1 - The London Underground

Chapter 2 - Theater

Chapter 3 - The Agenda

Chapter 4 - The Shoot

Chapter 5 - Back to Business

Chapter 5 ½ - Sketchy

Chapter 6 - Tired

Chapter 7 - Drinks

Chapter 8 - Temptation

Chapter 9 - Close®

Chapter 10 - The Interview

Chapter 11 - Strange Birds

Chapter 12 - Exhaustion

Chapter 13 - Mint Chocolate Chip

[theuntamedproject]

"If the face says nothing, listen to the heartbeat" - Lan WangJi, Mo Dao Zu Shi (Weeks 3+4)

https://zhtheuntamedprojec.wixsite.com/theuntamedproject 

... those who have read the novel know the real context of this line in the scene BUT taken out of context and used in a completely different (*cough* our) scenario..."If the face says nothing," translates to "Even if we seem calm on the outside,""listen to the heartbeat." translates to "we're so stressed to the point of ventricular fibrillation." (dunno if that's even a likely story but the overly exaggerated point still stands: we just handed our uni applications in and we're dreading admission tests and awaiting interviews...)

Quick overview

So aside from school work and university prep, TUP has taken up whatever spare moment either one of us has. However since Zara's Physics coursework began (good luck Zara!!) and both of us prepping for our respective admissions tests, we've decided instead of marching onwards with research on architecture and other food science related stuff, to settle on more relaxed Google seshes on MDZS (and totally not using this as an excuse to read the source text again) and beginning to design the buildings on CAD and paper.

So I'm going to introduce to you the barebones framework of what we plan to include in the design: characters, buildings and effects~ apologies in advance for not including the accents/tones in names (I cba tbh ;-; )

Characters

Because all these little dudes are just going to be cut out gingerbread men, we could include as many characters as possible (we did say we're making a universe are we not?). Those in italics are "maybe" characters depending on the dough remaining (or whether we like them to be part of the universe or not...) or how much gingerbread we're willing to eat ourselves (though huge shout out to everyone thats offered to eat our spare and broken gingerbread during materials testing - which I will get to a bit later :3)

Gusu Lan (the pretty sect)

Lan XiChen / Lan Huan (Sect Leader - simped so hard for his sworn brothers that both of them ended up dead)

Lan WangJi / Lan Zhan (repressed gay but we love him still)

Lan Yuan / Lan Sizhui (he's part of the Lan sect now goddamnit)

Lan JingYi (the most unLan Lan yet has the highest chance of being the next sect leader lmaoo)

Lan QiRen

Lan Yi / Lan An

QingHeng-Jun (Twin Jades' father)

Madam Lan (Twin Jades' mother)

Yunmeng Jiang (arguably the only "normal" sect here...)

Jiang Cheng / Jiang Wanyin (Sect Leader also an "angry grape" as put by Zara)

Jiang YanLi (OUR QUEEN)

Jiang FengMian (loved Wei Ying more than Jiang Cheng lol jk xd)

Yu ZiYuan (BAMF)

Wei Ying not included here since technically he defected from the Sect (; - ;)

Qinghe Nie (fans and sabers my bros)

Nie HuaiSang (Sect Leader - yeah, I can't believe it either)

Nie MingJue (noooooooooo)

Honestly, I swear this clan is either "big muscles or big brain?". If you have neither, you can't be part of their clique. I mean sect.

Lanling Jin (rich rich rich rich rich)

Jin Ling / Jin RuLan (Sect Leader - totally not named after Wei Ying's crush/ husband's family)

Jin GuangYao / Meng Yao (*smiles*)

Jin ZiXuan (peacock but JYL's husband nonetheless)

Jin GuangShan (gross)

Jin ZiXun (double gross)

Mo XuanYu (literally did not sign up to any of this. He just wanted to end his suffering at Mo Manor)

We decided against including everyone from Mo Manor since they literally died within the first few chapters of the novel / first episode of the drama so were kinda irrelevant. Also, we don't care about them like we care for the Lan Sect members either.

Off topic side rant, Zara has been on my case whenever I bring up Jin GuangYao. I have to say, he's way more lovable in the drama than in the novel (didn't really leave much of an impression on me in the novel, NHS did a better job at that). I'm here to briefly explain why this boy is misunderstood and deserved more than what he got (and also why you should love him because he deserves love).JGY is a poor soul who's goal in life was to please others because no one was ever satisfied with him. His mother wasn't satisfied. His father wasn't satisfied. Hell, even his sworn brother NMJ wasn't satisfied with him eventually. BUT GUESS WHAT Xichen the angel is the only person that showed any love or thanks to JGY that's why he didn't kill him in the end - he wouldn't kill people that actually cared about him. IF ONLY EVERYONE ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION TO HOW CLEVER AND CUNNING THIS MAN WAS, THERE MAY NOT EVEN BE WENS THREATENING THE WORLD. end of brief rant.

Qishan Wen (too hot, hot damn)

Wen RuoHan (Sect Leader - could have taken over the world if his children weren't incompetent)

Wen Qing (half the reason why included this sect)

Wen Ning / Wen QiongLin (the other half of the reason)

Wen Yuan (WE NEED THIS BABIE ALONGSIDE SIZHUI OK)

Wen Chao (questionable)

Wen ZhuLiu (also questionable but less annoying than Wen Chao)

Rogue cultivators (including people we didn't really know where to put)

Wei WuXian / Wei Ying (Can work out how to cultivate resentful energy, fight against the biggest cultivation clans in the world and gain a formidable reputation as the Yiling Patriarch yet can't figure out that Lan Zhan has a crush on him. Makes it look like cultivating resentful energy is easy as pie.)

CangSe SanRen (Wei Ying's mother)

Wei ChangZe (Wei Ying's father)

Xiao XingChen (honestly, the nicest guy ever. Could rival Xichen in terms of kindness. But then again... where did that kindness lead either of them? Moral of story: screw kindness)

Song Lan (Wen Ning's dead buddy~)

Xue Yang (he was cool in the novel, a bit questionable in the drama ngl)

A-Qing (didn't report her situation to the police...)

Baoshan Sanren (without knowledge of her existence, Jiang Cheng may have given up on life after he lost his golden core)

Ouyang ZiZhen (I didn't know who he was at all from the novel (ie he left no impression) but since he's technically part of the juniors, we have to include him)

Wang Ling Jiao / Jiao Jiao (just so Wen Chao has a friend perhaps... I don't know if we're that kind)

Su She (ew. just. He's not our favourite. The whole thing could have gone smoother if he didn't exist)

Luo Qingyang / Mian Mian (that one girl that made Wei Ying think Lan Zhan was straight)

Whew! That's all the character's we've considered! We have yet to come up with individual designs for the clothes and what not but at least we know there are going to be straight up cutting them out using the gingerbread man cutters.

Also! let's not forget:

Li'l Apple (didn't sign up for any of this either)

Fairy (gift from JGY to JL, also good doggo)

All the bunnies in Gusu (yes.)

All the fans and sabers in Qinghe (it's part of their aesthetic)

Locations and Buildings

This section's going to be MUCH shorter than the previous one haha since we've basically come up with 5 main buildings and in 7 locations. We're planning these buildings to be architectural masterpieces (okay, that's a slight exaggeration but that's the point). These buildings will take SIGNIFICANTLY more time than the gingerbread characters and is the reason we've put so much effort into researching what would make the most stable type of building. This is because we've planned to mirror the buildings as close as possible to the drama. We haven't yet drawn 2D sketches as I've left that job mostly to Zara (sorry!) so it's sort of hard to describe in words but by next post, we hope to have these down~ (though please see the mood boards from Zara's post previously)~

Gusu Lan - Cloud Recesses

The Wall of Discipline

The Courtyard

The Orchid Room (the main classroom/hall)

Yunmeng Jiang - Lotus Pier

The Main Pier

Lotus Pod Lake

Qinghe Nie - The Unclean Realm

The Main Courtyard and stairs

Lanling Jin - Koi Tower

Koi Tower

Qishan Wen - Nightless City

Main building and stairs

Yiling - Burial Grounds

The Mountains (and farms/Wen settlements)

Demon-Slaughtering Cave

And of course, Yi City.

We don't know if we want to include any more places but we'll let you know if there are any changes to this list. Plus the effects of LEDs and other arts and craft jazz besides gingerbread, we plan to make sure each Sect get's their own spotlight~

Please enjoy our baby Cloud Recesses, they're going to grow up and be a fine specimen of society worthy of the Lan name :D

The plan going forward

Although unfortunately, things haven't gone totally to plan due to fairly busy circumstances, we still have some major events along the way before starting to build the whole thing (which would probably be around mid-to-end of December) which have indeed started preparing for. Including:

Material testing gingerbread and icing (ie finally, bringing our research to the real world) - a lot of gingerbread will be made, so thank you to the willing volunteers who wanted to eat our failed experiments!

Finding / creating a suitable recipe for the gingerbread people

2D and 3D sketches of the buildings

Designing costumes for the gingerbread people

Another thing that we kinda want to do is to make this project benefit the wider community (we wanted to set up a GoFundMe at some point and raise some money for charity~). But we don't know how to do that as of yet T-T . Any ideas, feel free to contact us and let us know! We want to help others through this project (if at all possible haha)!

[letterboxd]

How I Letterboxd #5: Will Slater.

Talking mullets and other manes with the man behind the internet’s definitive ‘exploding helicopters in movies’ catalog.

“Man cannot live on helicopter explosions alone. Even I need some occasional intellectual nourishment.”

A London-based PR man by day, by night Will Slater has a thing (and a podcast, blog and Twitter account) for movies that feature exploding helicopters. According to his Letterboxd bio, it’s “the world’s only podcast and blog dedicated to celebrating the art of exploding helicopters in films… as well as shaming those directors who dishonor the helicopter explosion genre”. As Will tells Jack Moulton, he also loves film noir, Wakaliwood, masala movies and much more. Just don’t get him started on the one action movie cliché that never fails to disappoint.

Sylvester Stallone takes aim in ‘Rambo III’ (1988).

First things first, have you ever had a ride in a helicopter? Will Slater: What, do you think I’m mad? Of course I’ve never flown in a helicopter! If I’ve learned anything from watching hundreds of films where helicopters spectacularly explode, it’s that they are a singularly dangerous form of transport. You never know when Sylvester Stallone is going to pop up with an explosive-tipped arrow and blow you out of the sky.

I’m going to say the words ‘the definitive action hero/heroine’. Who pops into your head first? No runners-up. Go. Snake Plissken, no question, for a number of good reasons. First, there’s the look: that eye-patch, the beaten-to-hell leather jacket and Kurt Russell’s lustrous mane of hair. Second, there’s the attitude: his contempt for authority, the drawled sarcasm and all-round bad-assery. And I also like that he doesn’t have any special abilities. Action heroes generally tend to be either musclebound slabs of beef—Arnold Schwarzenegger, Stallone—or martial arts specialists—Jean-Claude van Damme, Jackie Chan—Plissken is just a pissed-off, angry dude who’s trying to stay alive. He’s very relatable. Plus, I’d argue he pretty much invented the whole anti-hero formula that rules our screens today.

Kurt Russell as Snake Plissken in John Carpenter’s ‘Escape from New York’ (1981).

When did you start your podcast and which film got you into looking deeper into the topic? It was while watching the cheesily bad Cyborg Cop that I first had an epiphany about the weird and wonderful ways in which helicopters seemed to continually explode in movies. But the film that convinced me to start documenting the phenomenon was Stone Cold. If you’re not familiar with the film, it was an attempt to turn former gridiron star and mullet-king Brian Bosworth into the next big action star. It goes without saying that Stone Cold did not transform ‘The Boz’ into the next Arnold Schwarzenegger, but the film wasn’t a total failure as it features a helicopter explosion that is as brilliant as it is gloriously stupid.

And that was the prompt to start the Exploding Helicopter. I launched the website in 2009, and the podcast followed 2015. Since we started, our aim has been a simple one: to celebrate the strange and inventive ways that helicopters explode in films.

Motorcycle crashes into helicopter in mid-air, ‘Stone Cold’ (1991).

When did you join Letterboxd? What are your favorite features here? I’ve been around since 2013. As for the features, the stats are very cool. When you dig into your viewing history, you can learn some very revealing things about yourself. For example, I generally like to think I have a commendably broad taste in film, and watch only the most important and influential works from every decade, genre and country. But then you look at the data and find you’ve watched Thunderball nine times in the last five years, so maybe you’re not as cool as you thought.

We noticed that your profile faves are low-key and explosion-free, given your theme of choice. Why these four and not Die Hard four times? Man cannot live on helicopter explosions alone. Even I need some occasional intellectual nourishment, between watching whirlybird conflagrations. There’s a little bit of nostalgia tied up in The Ipcress File. I first saw it as a kid, and it made a big impression on me. It’s very stylishly directed, has a great John Barry score and a star-making turn from Michael Caine. I’m a big film noir fan and Sweet Smell Of Success is a beautifully sour tale of cynicism and manipulation. To borrow the words of Burt Lancaster in the film, it’s a “cookie full of arsenic”.

Jean-Pierre Melville is my favorite director and Le Samouraï was the first of his films that I saw. What Melville does so masterfully in this, and his other crime films, is distil the elements of film noir. Basically, he takes the genre’s iconography—the gun, the trenchcoat, the fedora—and familiar plot tropes—the betrayed assassin, the heist gone wrong, the criminal doing one last job—then elevates them above cliché into something almost mythic. And what do I really need to say about Taxi Driver, other than it’s a masterpiece?

Now you say you shame directors who dishonor the art of helicopter explosions? Which directors did you dirty? Well, one of the biggest names in our hall of shame is Tony Scott. For a man who specialized in hyper-stylized, pyrotechnic-filled action movies, he flunked every helicopter explosion he filmed. In our eyes, one of the most egregious offences you can commit is failing to show the helicopter explosion. And in both Spy Game and Domino, old Tony cheats the viewer by having the chopper fly out of sight before it explodes. Now, I can accept such visual chicanery in a low-budget film, where they presumably don’t have the money to stage the scene, but what’s Tony’s excuse? If you look at his filmography, at one time or another he’s wrecked trains, planes and automobiles in spectacular fashion. But for some reason, he repeatedly couldn’t be bothered to give us a satisfying chopper conflagration. At a certain point, it starts to feel like a personal slight. Tony, what did I ever do to you?

In your immortal words, “a film is always improved by a helicopter explosion.” When has this been especially true? When you see lists of worst-ever directors, Uwe Boll is a name that always seems to turn up. And, according to the internet, one of his worst-ever films is the video game adaptation, Far Cry. Now, I’m not going to try [to] convince you that the film is a neglected classic, but it does have a very imaginatively staged exploding helicopter scene. It’s too convoluted to explain here, but take my word that it wouldn’t be out of place in a Fast and Furious movie.

What about the unsung heroes; the stunt artists, the pilots, the pyrotechnicians, the VFX wizards who have worked on numerous iconic action moments, all of whom deserve a shoutout? Personally, I don’t understand why the Academy doesn’t have a stunts category. But if they did, I’d be lobbying hard for Spiro Razatos to get the first award. These days, he works as a stunt coordinator on the Fast and Furious and Marvel films, but I’d like to draw people’s attention to some of his early work. Back in the nineties, he did a lot of work with PM Entertainment films, an independent company that made low-budget action films for the home video market.

They might not have had much money, but they put every cent on the screen with glorious, raucously inventive set pieces that were often more spectacular than big-budget Hollywood offerings. And remember: this was in pre-CGI times, so every death-defying detail was absolutely ‘real’. Go back and watch films like The Sweeper or Rage, and you’ll can see why Super Spiro has now graduated to these more prestigious gigs.

Narrow this list down for us: which is the ultimate most spine-tingly epic “we got company” movie moment? As you may have gathered, I do like an action movie cliché. When you encounter one in a film, it’s like meeting an old friend. And one of my favorites is when someone uses this classic line of dialog to signal that a car chase or a gun battle is about to start. I’ve heard people deliver the line in all sorts of ways–funny, scared, angrily and often just badly. But if you want spine-tingly, then you can’t beat Harrison Ford in Star Wars. He drops the line during the detention-block scene after failing to bluff an imperial officer. As soon as he says it, John Williams’ iconic score kicks in. It gives you the ‘feels’ every time.

“Boring conversation anyway.” Han Solo and Chewbacca in ‘Star Wars’ (1977).

And which action movie cliché can you simply not stand? Stop it: my hackles are raising just thinking about it. For me, the trope that never fails to disappoint is the ‘reluctant’ hero being convinced to take up arms and join the fight. You know the scene. Invariably, the hero has hung up their spurs and is living a bucolic existence ‘off the grid’, when a gruff buddy shows up asking them to risk almost certain death by taking on ‘one last job’. Now, dialog is rarely an action film’s greatest strength, and these beefcake actors generally are not cast for their dramatic chops. Which means we get subjected to the same perfunctory and uninteresting scene over and over again: “I told you, I’m out the game”, “Goddamnit, we need you”, “OK, I’ll do it”. These scenes just never work and are never less than painful to watch.

Which up-and-coming action director are you most excited about? In terms of up-and-coming action talent, I’d pick the director Stefano Sollima. I first noticed his work on a couple of TV series: the fantastic Italian crime dramas, Romanzo Criminale and Gomorrah. The way he composed shots really stood out, and it was clear he had a very cinematic eye. He rather reminds me of Michael Mann. He’s now on Hollywood’s radar and got to direct Sicario: Day of the Soldado the other year. And he’s lined up to make a Tom Clancy adaptation with Michael B. Jordan. I can’t wait to see what he comes up with.

Have you witnessed the glory that is Wakaliwood—Ugandan DIY action filmmaking—three of which make Letterboxd’s official top ten films by black directors? Which international films do you feel out-match Hollywood? I love the Wakaliwood films I’ve seen. It’s fascinating to watch action films from around the world and see their different styles and flavors. Recently, I’ve been trying to investigate Indian cinema and, in particular, what are known as ‘masala movies’. These mix action, comedy, drama, romance and dance numbers into one big, crazy, entertaining mess. They’re a unique experience. If you want to check one out, I’d suggest Dhoom 2. It’s bananas.

Can you believe there are only two female directors represented in your exploding helicopter list? Do you believe that’s due to systemic or thematic reasons? You have to say it’s systemic. Men have dominated filmmaking for more than a century. Until women have the same opportunities to direct and make films as men, it’s impossible to know what their interest may or may not be in blowing up helicopters. [Will has previously written about the search for “true gender equality in the world of exploding helicopters”.]

To address the elephant in the room, how has Kobe Bryant’s unfortunate death earlier this year changed the way you look at these scenes? Obviously, I appreciate that Kobe Bryant’s death was very shocking and a tragedy for his family and fans. But basketball really is not a thing on these grim shores, so it didn’t register with us unenlightened Brits other than [as] a sad headline about a US sports star.

What was your most anticipated movie event of 2020 before Covid-19 pushed every tentpole back? That’s easy: No Time To Die. I’m a huge Bond fan and as soon as tickets were available, I booked myself in to see it on opening day at an IMAX. But if the Daniel Craig era is synonymous with anything, it’s lengthy delays between films.

Freerunner Sébastien Foucan in the opening scene from ‘Casino Royale’ (2006).

What’s a fond memory you have in theaters related to the Bond franchise? I remember going to see Casino Royale. I was excited, but also nervous to see it. The Brosnan era had ended with the risible Die Another Day: invisible cars, kitesurfing and, worst of all, John Cleese’s awful Q. Since that had come out, we’d had Mission: Impossible, Bourne and the Triple X films, so it wasn’t beyond the realms of possibility that Bond might be finished. Then the first ten minutes of Casino Royale happened. And while that outstanding parkour-inspired chase was terrifically exciting, it also hit me like cinematic Valium. I suddenly realised I could sit back and relax, safe in the knowledge that 007 was going to be just fine.

Are you planning on returning to theaters as soon as you can? When would you feel comfortable? I’m taking a wait-and-see approach. I’d love to see films back on the big screen again, but I want to know more about how cinemas are going to maintain social distancing inside.

Finally, what three Letterboxd accounts should we all be following? Why not give Todd Gaines, Jayson Kennedy or Fred Andersson a follow? If you’re interested in genre films that are a little off the beaten trail, they’ll likely all steer you towards some hidden gems.

[bloody-fists-beating-hearts]

It’s a Fallout76/Bethesda rant

Bethesda just released Fallout 1st, a horseshit pay-to-win subscription system for their absolute cum-bubble of a game, and while it’s getting the flack it deserves there are people already putting on their kneepads so they can gobble down Todd Howards entire turgid cock, and as someone who likes rpg’s way too much this irked me, so have a massive and barely coherent rant i took off the discord because why not.

I want to start off with this:  Every good thing about current fallout comes from the fanbase. The stories people tell, the headcanons, the fanfics, the art, everything fans do for it is made with more love, and more thought, than anything Bethesda’s writing and games design team has done in the last 10 years

Now first of all, I haven’t bought or played 76. People are gonna stop me right there and go ”well you haven’t bought it how would you know its bad!!” yeah, I’ve never eaten dog shit either but I can pretty well guess that I ain’t gonna fucking like it.

I knew the second he said "there are no npcs" with actual enthusiasm that this game was gonna be shit. And if you give me 2 seconds to gloat, I never bought the game and I knew this was gonna happen and I was RIGHT so suck my fat hairy nuts all those fanboys who pre-order things mindlessly just because there's a brand name attached to it. If there is anything you take from this its DO NOT PREORDER. BRAND LOYALTY IS FOR BOOMERS AND BOOTLICKERS. FOR FUCKS SAKE BE SMART WITH YOUR MONEY.

Games like this are fucking 80-90 dollars or more in Australia so I actually have to think about whether this momentary distraction is worth almost an entire days paycheck, and I’m still looking for employment which means I actually haven’t bought shit in a while (side note, anyone wants to commission me for 10 dollars I’ll draw damn near anything. God I need to make rent)

Every executive at Bethesda seems to be playing catch-up to EA's monetisation scheme. Beth has abandoned their model of single-player rpg's in favour of a "games as a service" model. Fallout 76 seems to me like its a weird experiment for just how far they can stretch this and still make money. It actually makes me wonder if they are 

 a) just completely unaware of fanbase response [no idea HOW]

b) are running into financial problems and are doing this out of desperation

 c) todd howard is still mad that obsidian made a better fallout than he ever could and he's doing this out of spite 

  Games as a whole has become much like the movie industry where publishers will throw big buckets of cash around to development teams, and those teams have CEO's and higher ups that throw lavish meet n greets and have nice fancy suits and cars and then treat their development teams like shit, overworking them to the point of exhaustion, because the product has to be on time for release dates that are scheduled to be the most profitable (christmas is a notable one). 

And those products are consistently bland, shitty, shallow experiences. Narrative cum-dumpsters that are purposefully made to toe the line as safely as possible, to be open to as wide as an audience as possible so they can make the most money, and Bethesda is a huge offender. Skyrim was fun, sure, but it was watered down to fuck, it had shitty dialogue, it had bland one-note characters, it had a simplified skill system. It was impossible to lose. Seriously, try and fail a fucking quest in skyrim, other than one or two, it's a hand-holder of an rpg, but it has a huge community of fans that put in monumental effort, for free, because they like the Elder Scrolls, and they like the world bethesda made. 

  Then Bethesda goes "hey, that watered down thing we made got huge! lets release it about 12 more fucking times, with some of the SAME bugs, with the SAME content, with the SAME limitations and Yes, we absolutely expect you to pay for it, again. Then they release the remastered edition which, to their credit, is free to anyone who already bought the legendary edition (on PC), and does actually have updated 64bit capability and some graphical enhancements (that aren't anywhere near what some goober in his basement cooked up in his spare time, but whatever). Then, seeing that Skyrim was so popular, with kids especially, and made money, they turn their sights to fallout 4, a game that was so anticipated that someone made a fake countdown and caused a small meltdown on tumblr/social media when it was revealed to be fake (i was part of that fiasco, i remember the hype, i was there goddamnit)

So Fallout, a franchise that literally has its theme as its FUCKING TAGLINE, an ADULT game that is equal parts crude, gory and humorous. A game that satirises the cold war era of american my-country-tis-of-thee blind loyalty and openly mocks the way war was idealised, and shows that not even the literal end of the world could either stop humanity's lust for blood or its desire for conquest. Games that showed you the growth of the world - from shady sands to the NCR, from the vault dweller to arroyo, shit actually happened in the games, the world didn't just stop turning when the bombs dropped. A game where you you become a porn star for fucks sake, and it's funny. 

So Bethesda sees that, makes something like it (fallout 3) which is good, but a little rough around the edges when you look at it too hard. But the way they suck you into the vault, the way they build a relationship with your dad and your way of life is immersive as fuck, so when you leave the place you actually feel like you're leaving something important, not just finishing the tutorial

then they outsource a Fallout game to obsidian, because hey, we saved your franchise by buying it off you, but if you can make an entire game in one year and get a metacritic score of 85 we'll even throw in a bonus. And fuck me sideways and in the ear, if the obsidian devs didn't work themselves harder than a 4-armed hooker. And they made a game that on release was a clusterfuck of bugs, because they were given an unrealistic time limit and missed the metacritic score by ONE POINT so bethesda goes "nhey heh sucks to suck" and fucks them off the franchise forever. EXCEPT (and I admit I'm biased here) the game is good. The game is actually really good when you remove those bugs, and people start forming attachments to it, and mentioning how bad fallout 3's writing is by extension. 

  So Todd and Co. in his infinite wisdom, decide that the only thing a fallout rpg needs is 50s aesthetic and fuck all else, and he releases a game so watered down it can't even be called an rpg. And its not. There are no skills. There are barely any dialogue checks. Instead of dialogue, Nate/Nora is a flat, samrish individual that is either "yes sir right away sir may i have another", "yes but i'm gonna make an unfunny quip about it" "this option pretends to say no but its gonna give you the quest marker anyway". 

The game drops any pretence of difficulty by giving you a deathclaw, a minigun and some power armour in the first 10 minutes, allowing you to effectively reach late-game power levels with some minor scavenging for ammo or cores. Then the game ropes you into some inter-faction war that realistically you wouldn't give a shit about, because some spud in a cowboy hat fucking deputizes you into a military general because you shot like 4 raiders from a rooftop (with a minigun. in power armour. making you nigh-invulnerable to bullets). You're sad about your son about 3 times the whole game and then you're on your merry way to mowing down humans left right and center without a care in the world. God fallout 4's writing is so stupid it gives me an aneurysm.

 Remember the part about resources wars and america only having the veneer of a strong country while riots, inflation, and resource shortages tore it apart from within? Bethesda doesn't, have an eerily stepford pastel coloured glimpse at a world that was totally fine, nothing wrong here, shame it got nuked oh well moving on

Your spouse? yeah you love them, they're said 2 whole sentences to you then they died, be sad because you totally loved them and it is totally sad that they are dead. Your weird play-dough son shaun, you love him so much, you even tickled him on the chin once, okay he's gone off you go to chase him - woah now, don't chase him too hard we have all these side quests for you to do! What would be the narrative reasoning for a supposedly distraught parent to fuck around boston instead of finding their goddamn child? fuck knows! just go pick up some goddamn wood and get to base building sonny-jim! 

Companions? yeah, they're fun, we gave them a romance questline and it's thus: if you pick enough locks and pass a minor charisma check maccready will be ready and willing to tell you about his sick child, and then he'll ride you like a stallion. Talk to him like, 4 times, and he will be your bosom buddy for life in about 3-5 days if you just pick locks like a fucking madman, because character growth is hard and counting beans is easy.

 Also your son is a part of the faction we were talking about! something about synths, remember that one questline from rivet city that barely anyone actually remembers and was an interesting time waster at best? Well get ready to do that same quest but about! 15! more! times! because we could not think of anything else to write about synthetically produced humans that assume peoples identities other than having them as a hamfisted metaphor for slavery. Why do they take over people's identies? Well because the institute needs them to aasdkfjdh kshshshsh t9oe of course. 

Speaking of hamfisted metaphors, here's the underground railroad, named after the underground railroad that actually mattered, except this time its the same thing but synths. They are so top secret that the only way to find them is to follow the only bright red line in a street that is exclusively green-brown otherwise, and then enter their super secret password, which is "password"

They are then, like every other faction, absolutely willing to trust you, at face value, no questions asked, because have to actually do something or require a skill check might make this hard for people under the age of 12 to play. Then you go do whatever fuckin shit you do, I stopped playing at this point, and then you find out your son is actually 60, you guys have a tearful, 10 sentence reunion, then he diesthe whole reason you were out here in the first place dies, and you react appropriately, which is to say you say his name really sadly, and then go back to mowing down raiders with reckless abandon

And then 76 gets released, bethesda drops all pretense of fallout still being an rpg. You want a story? Fuck you, pay up. Its retro future and thats all that makes falloutSatirizing war mongering? You can nuke things in this game and its totally fine, its actually the goal, because fallout has nukes in it right? Pay us 10 dollars and you get army olive drab spraypaint because hurrgh war is fun and great, wasnt that the tagline from the first game?The more i rant the more angry i am because people put their heart and soul into writing this. The lore and dialogue is actual work that someone researched and loved and felt proud of and now  it's becoming a hilariously meta parody of itself. 

Honestly FUCK bethesda and and fuck todd howard for his pisspoor cash grab. Not even worth calling it a video game anymore