#going into adulthood is a bunch of heart attacks but i would NOT go back to childhood or adolescence

[khufiya-khaufnak-antariksh]

WIP

[watchmegetobsessed]

Memories - Grayson Dolan

here i am, back with another fic based on a dream i had! also, i did not proofread this so im sorry for the mistakes!

summary: You are childhood friends with the Dolan siblings and you recreate childhood photos, but one recreation results in surprising consequences.

word count: 3.8k

masterlist

“I can’t believe they made me do this,” you growl at your own reflection when you finish your already ridiculous look with putting your hair up into piggy tails. You look like someone who has fully lost her mind and acts like a child while being an adult. The denim overalls fit you loosely since you found it in your brother’s wardrobe, but it was the closest you could find to what was required from you. The striped shirt however is a little too tight, given the fact that the last time you wore it was in seventh grade. You’ve definitely gotten bigger in certain parts since then, but this is the only striped shirt you could find in such a short notice.

You feel ridiculous, but still excited. When the twins called you last night to ask if you’d be in recreating your old photos from your childhood there was just no way you could refuse. One, they sounded so thrilled and eager and two, you found it just as interesting and promising as them. You’ve been stuck at home for so long, you just couldn’t say no to some fun with your favorite neighbors. Growing up next door to the Dolan household has been one of the best things in your life. You instantly had two more awesome brothers and a big sister and friends you knew would always be there for you. When the twins left from home and Cam moved because of collage you were afraid you’d lose them since you stayed, only attending the local community college so you could help out the family business, but they proved you wrong. Endless video calls, nonstop texting and snapping and surprise visits whenever they came home to the family reassured that this is surely gonna last a lifetime.

Now in this messed up situation with the virus, they are all home with Lisa and being the restless goofballs that they are, there’s always something crazy they are up to and this time they made you join them.

“Y/N!” your mom calls from downstairs and though you already heard the quads arriving she lets you know the boys are here for you.

Taking your backpack that’s filled with your other childhood outfits you stomp down the stairs when you appear in the corner Grayson is the first one you spot. His eyes widen at you for a second before that shit-eating grin stretches across his face at your outfit, even though he looks just as ridiculous as you in his old, purple shirt with Sponge Bob on it and the hideous red shorts, socks pulled up almost until his knees.

“Look at you, Tootsie!” he chuckles and you roll your eyes at the nickname only he uses still. You couldn’t say the letter F normally until you were about seven, turning the word footsies into tootsies and everyone liked to tease you about that, especially Grayson. The name got unstuck by the time you turned sixteen, but not for him. He still calls you Tootsie whenever he has the chance. You don’t mind, it always awakens those damned butterflies in your tummy.

As you get to the bottom of the stairs his hand immediately reach up to curl a strand of hair from your piggy tail to his finger, playing with it a little before he lets it slip out of his grip.

“Woah, Y/N, you nailed the look!” Ethan shows up with freshly baked cookies in his hands that he probably got from your mom who is experimenting in the kitchen again. That’s her new favorite thing since the quarantine started.

“I know, right?” you grin, doing something that you meant to be a curtsey, but it turned out more like an awkward bopping.

Ethan has a black shirt on with striped pants, socks just as high as Grayson’s with his tennis shoes. They both nailed the vintage looks pretty well and you can’t wait to see their other outfits. Grayson sent you a bunch of photos last night that they want to recreate and he got you curious what will turn out of this.

Your mom walks out of the kitchen, oven mittens on her hands and she gasps seeing all three of you.

“Om my! How cute you all look!” she cheers and gathers all three of you into a group hug. “Time flies…”

“But you look just as pretty as you always did,” Grayson smirks at her and you can see her blushing. He never fails to make her feel better, one thing you absolutely adore in him.

She packs some more cookies for you before you finally leave, the quads waiting on your driveway. You go to Gray’s without a second thought, you always ride with him. Ethan used to make a fuss about it when they first got them, but eventually gave up on the fight and you guess he accepted that Grayson is your ride when it comes to the quads. You always told him it’s because you think he is a better driver, but in reality you just love sitting behind him, arms hugging his waist, thighs pressed together.

His sweet scent makes you smile as you sit behind him, waiting for him to start the quad and you often wish the way from your house to their would last longer, giving you more time to enjoy this little moment with him. Crushing on your childhood friend has taught you to savor these little things as if they are happening for the last time in life, because these are all you had and still has.

“Piggy tails!” Cameron greets you upon arriving, jumping down the stairs rocking the same hairstyle as you.

“We should do them more often,” you laugh as you get off the quad, unwillingly letting go of Grayson, going to hug her tight.

“We look fucking awesome for sure,” she grins.

The boys bring everything that’s going to be needed during the photoshoot into the pickup while you go inside to greet Lisa and the three of you girls have a quick little chat.

“Oh, I can’t wait to see the pictures,” she cheers happily, hips leaning against the edge of the counter. “I love these recreations.”

“We will look so ridiculous on all of them,” Cameron snorts finishing up her lemonade.

“We always end up looking ridiculous when we are together,” you smirk at her and she points at you nodding.

“You’ve got a point.”

Once the boys are done with loading the car you go to the backyard to shoot the first few pictures that were taken there. Ethan is responsible for the camera, Grayson controls the set while you and Cam try your best to nail the poses like on the pictures.

They turn out amazing. You all managed to recreate the outfits almost perfectly and you could find the exact spots from the photos, making it possible to nail them precisely. Lisa watches you work from the kitchen window, a wide smile on her lips and it makes you happy to see her like this. So carefree and full of life.

“Okay, we have one last photo here,” Ethan directs, zooming in on the picture on his phone. “Gray, Y/N, go to that tree.”

Nodding you follow the instructions, though you know which photo it is going to be. You adjust your piggy tails tugging on your shirt. You’ve changed from the overalls, now rocking a yellow polo shirt with high-waisted denim shorts and sandals. Many of the pictures were taken on the same day, so you can recreate more in the same outfits.

“Alright, Y/N has to sit on your shoulders and hold onto a branch.”

Gray nods and turns to you, rubbing his hands together.

“I’ll squat down, you sit on my shoulders, okay?”

“Yeah,” you nod, feeling a bit nervous. The guys used to pick you up, carry around on their back and shoulders a lot, but your teenage years made you super insecure about your weight, so you asked them to stop. They respected your choice and though you’ve successfully overcome this situation, they are still very careful around you.

Grayson squats down and you stand behind him, hesitant before lifting your leg up and planting it onto his shoulder. You freeze when his hand holds onto your thigh above your knee.

“Don’t worry, I got you,” he softly reminds you, thinking you froze because you’re afraid he would drop you, but in reality it’s because of his touch.

“I know,” you quietly say before placing a hand on his head for support, fingers digging into his now long hair before you lift your other leg up and finally put it to his shoulder. He counts back from three before he stands up and you suddenly tower over everyone in the backyard.

“Hold onto the branch!” Ethan instructs you and looking up you grab the first branch you can reach. Grayson’s hands on your thighs are basically burning and you can’t tell that it’s his palms that are so hot or your skin under his touch.

You manage to focus for a few so the picture can be taken and when Ethan says you got what you needed Grayson slowly descends so you can hop off his shoulders.

“You okay?” he asks brushing his hair out of his face once you are both standing on your own feet.

“Yeah,” you smile shyly as he brings a hand to your back, gently caressing it to let you know without words that you did great.

Once the backyard pictures are done you all load into the pickup and head into the forest, the place where you’ve had so many adventures growing up. You knew this recreating would be a lot of fun, but you finally feel like it’s all like before, when adulthood hasn’t set in, the twins and Cam were still living next door, making it easy to hangout whenever you wanted.

You take picture after picture, and not just recreations, you are making new ones, eternalizing this new memory the four of you share now.

“Alright, we have one more picture to take,” Ethan announces with a knowing grin and you furrow your eyebrows at him.

“What? I thought the one with the ladder was the last one.”

Walking over he shows you his phone, already laughing and your eyes go wide when you see the photo he wants to recreate.

“You did not send me this!” you protest as you stare down at the photo you’ve seen so many times before, but never thought it would cause you to almost have a heart attack.

It was taken of you and Gray, the two of you are sitting on the back of Sean’s old pickup, you were probably five, max six years old here, little arms hugging each other and Grayson is giving you a big smooch right onto your lips. This was technically your first kiss, if you count the innocent childhood kisses. Back then you had no idea what crushes or love were, you only knew that you liked this silly boy who lived next door and happened to have a clone, as you used to say it. Your feelings for Grayson originate from way back.

“Come on, Y/N! This is one of mom’s favorite,” Cam tells you grinning and you’re annoyed that she and Ethan are enjoying this more than they should while you are probably now as red as a tomato. Glancing over at Grayson you see that he is just standing there, looking nervous maybe? Eyes avoiding to look at you.

“I…”

“She would be so disappointed if this one doesn’t get a recreation!” Ethan nags you and he is such a rat, using Lisa against you. They know you’d do anything for her, she is like a second mother to you, saying no to her has never been an option for you and they know that too well.

You are defeated, so walking over to the truck you just simply hop on the back, trying not to look like you are about to pass out from your nerves. Ethan makes his brother sit next to you and it feels so awkward, you definitely did not think this would ever happen.

“You don’t have to do this because they are blackmailing you with mom,” Grayson whispers to you while Ethan and Cam are busy with setting the camera up.

“It’s fine, really,” you say forcing a smile to your lips, but it’s so not true and he knows it too.

“Okay, so Gray, you just lean in and… go for it,” Ethan laughs as if he is a kid again, talking about kissing like it’s a forbidden thing to even say out loud.

The two of you adjust your position, turning to each other a little before you hug each other like in the photo. Grayson looks deep in your eyes, giving you the chance to bail out, but you just stare back at him, ready to go with whatever is about to happen.

“Okay,” he whispers to himself and before you could even have a second though his lips are on yours.

Your eyes close immediately at the sensation, arms loosening around him, making the hug more comfortable as you let your lips part a little. Far away you hear the camera clicking, but it doesn’t sound real, your heart is beating in your throat and that innocent smooch slowly turns into a real kiss.

“We got it!” Ethan’s voice snaps you out right before it could take a more radical turn. Leaning back your eyes are met with Grayson’s startled face, lips parted, hands still on your waist.

“Great, great,” you mumble awkwardly, hopping off the trunk, out of his arms.

The mood has definitely changed because of the kiss. Ethan and Cam start teasing the two of you about it, but you just try to shrug it off while forcing yourself to forget what it felt like to have his lips on yours, because the more you think about it the more you crave another kiss… and another one… and another one…

It seems like Grayson wants to say something, or this is what you see in his eyes, but he keeps quiet on the way back to the Dolan house. Cam invites you to stay over for a movie while Ethan edits the pictures and you accept it. Arriving back to the house you are wandering inside feeling distant and dizzy when a hand slides into yours and pulls you back before you could walk inside.

“Wait,” Grayson keeps you back and you turn to him with a puzzled look. “Can we…”

“Just take her to your room, Gray!” Ethan shouts from the front porch with the most annoying grin on his face.

“Shut up!” he snaps back at his brother. “Come with me,” he nods at you and he pulls you towards the quads.

“Where are you going?” Ethan calls after the two of you.

“Where you are not there to be an asshole!” Gray retorts making you laugh. You hop on the quad behind him. “Hold on tight, Tootsie,” he chuckles as you wrap your arms around his waist.

You have absolutely no idea where you are heading, you’re just enjoying the ride, face pressed against his broad back, feeling the muscles moving under your cheek every time he takes a turn.

When he stops and you look around you immediately recognize the place. The little abandoned patio you found about a decade ago in the woods still stands, vines and plans have taken over it, the wood looks like it would give up if a harsh wind blew through it, but it still looks like a magical place. It was you secret place with Grayson, you came her often when you both wanted to escape from home, just sat on the dirty floor and watched the sky through the cracks of the roof of the patio.

“I can’t believe it’s still here,” you chuckle walking closer while Grayson turns the quad off behind you.

“Yeah, looks deadly though,” he comments scoffing.

“Probably been through a lot,” you smile back at him. “What are we doing here?”

Hopping off the quad he walks towards you pulling his phone out of his pocket with a nervous, but excited smirk on his face.

“I wanted to recreate one more picture.”

He hands you his phone, a photo from about five years ago shown on the screen. You both were just teenagers, the phone was put to the ground on a timer and the two of you sat in front of it in the patio, laughing carefree, he had an arm around your shoulders and you were leaning into him. It was just a random day you spent out in the woods when Ethan had a doctor’s appointment and Lisa asked Grayson to stay over at ours while they are not home. You wandered in the woods for hours and of course ended up at the patio.

“You want to recreate this?” you ask with a smile, looking up at him as you hand him back his phone.

“Yeah,” he nods with a shy smile.

“Let’s do this.”

He sets his phone up the same way as you sit on the floor in the patio, waiting for him to join you. He thuds arriving next to you as the timer counts back from ten. Swinging an arm around your shoulders you look him in the eyes as you lean at him.

The urge to kiss him is back, you want to feel his lips again so bad, but you don’t know if you should. The counter reaches the end and the phone snaps the picture, but neither of you moves.

“We should have laughed,” you whisper, feeling like his eyes are locked on yours, not letting you look anywhere else but him.

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.”

“Should we make another picture then?” he asks and starts leaning closer.

“I guess,” you breathe out right before his lips meet yours.

It’s so much more than the one you shared earlier on the trunk. This kiss is real, full of lust and longing, not something kids would share, but you are not kids anymore. Cupping his face in your hands you try to get as close to him as possible, pushing yourself to his lap and he falls back to the ground pulling you with him. You share a laugh, rolling around in the dirt, Grayson getting on top of you, kissing you again and again and you don’t want this moment to end.

“Sixteen year-old Grayson would be so proud of me now,” he smirks against your lips.

“What?” you smile at him pushing him a little back so you can look into his eyes.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you here so many times, I can’t even count.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Like the day the photo was taken. I was just a chicken and I thought you didn’t like me back.”

“I did. I still do,” you smile, brushing his hair out of his face but it keeps falling back.

“Sorry for earlier.”

“What do you mean?”

“The kiss on the pickup. They just wanted to urge me to do something because they are done with my pining after you.”

“What? It was all a setup?”

“Yeah,” he chuckles and rolling off you he sits up and you push yourself up as well. “Ethan planned it all out, hoping I would finally do something if I’m forced to kiss you, but I honestly thought you wouldn’t agree to take the picture.”

“But I did.”

“Yes you did,” he chuckles and reaching over he tugs a strand of hair behind your ear that escaped from your piggy tails. “Want to know something funny?”

“Mhm.” Nodding you scoot closer and kiss his lips softly, just because now you can.

“Remember how fussy Ethan used to get when you’d only ride with me on the quad?”

“Yeah. Like a baby,” you chuckle.

“That was because he used to have a crush on you too.”

“What?” Your eyes widen as you stare back at him. “He did not!”

“Yes he did,” he laughs. “We had a fight over this, because he didn’t know I liked you. But then I told him and he realized he has no chance.”

“How did he just realize it? What do you mean?”

Looking away from you he seems nervous to answer you and you give him time. You know he is going to share it with you.

“He said that… He has no chance, because he just likes you while I… I love you.”

Oh how long you’ve been craving to hear those words from him! And now it’s reality, not just a daydream in your mind. Leaning closer you kiss him, sweet and slow, taking your time with him.

“I loved you too. I still do,” you smile at him and wrapping his arms around you he pulls you down with him back to the floor kissing you all over and over again.

When you return to the house about an hour later Ethan and Cameron come out running to the front porch the moment you hop off the quad, clearly waiting for something holding their breath.

You don’t say a word, just try to hide your smile while Grayson gets off the quad too and stepping next to you he laces his fingers together with you. The moment this happens Ethan and Cam starts screaming and shouting, running to you and jumping all over the two of you.

“FINALLY! YES!”

“ABOUT FUCKING TIME!”

“Oh my god, guys!” Grayson chuckles showing his siblings off to give us some space to breathe, but you don’t mind their enthusiasm. It’s cute that they were rooting for you so bad.

Lisa appears on the front porch, confused about all the noise, but then she sees as Grayson pulls you to his side, kissing the top of your head and she immediately knows what’s happening.

“You’re not joking, right?!” she gasps walking down the stairs.

“No, mom. It’s serious,” Grayson chuckles shyly and as his mom finally reaches you she embraces both of you in a tight hug, laughing happier than you’ve probably ever heard her.

“Finally! I’ve been waiting for this to happen for so long!”

“Mom!” Grayson whines, but you find it so sweet.

“We all did, Lisa,” you admit chuckling.

She invites you all inside for dinner and you gladly join. What happened today didn’t change anything in the dynamic you shared with them. Dinner is just as heartfelt and fun like it always is, or even better. When you’re done eating you all go into the living room and watch the little slideshow Ethan put together from the photos, laughing so much on both the old and new ones.

Today surely started as a day of old memories, but the new ones you’ve made are way better than any other you’ve made with your favorite siblings, especially one of them.

[overwatch-does-stuff]

Lindholm Family Headcanon Dump!

I know Michael Chu retracted the statement that Torbjorn has a bunch of kids, but Chu just quit so I make the rules now. It’s a LONG post under the cut because I got carried away. Mostly starring Torbjorn, but featuring Ingrid, Reinhardt, and Brigitte (plus a bunch of other kiddos that exist but I don’t have headcanon names for yet oops.) There won’t be any Bastion in this one because that’s an entire other post’s worth of content.

- Torb has a big family. He and Ingrid had a couple children of their own while he had a stable position in Overwatch, but they found out that they loved having little children around the house, so after all of their biological children moved out, they chose to volunteer in the foster system! This lead to them adopting at least four more kids. - Which means they drive a huge van everywhere.  - Both Ingrid and Torbjorn are masters at driving as a result. - They’re exactly equivalent in skill with one exception: Ingrid can parallel park the van, a skill he has yet to figure.

- Their house is pretty big (the Overwatch paycheck paid well, that, along with Ingrid’s income,) so there’s plenty of room for all of them. - There’s three levels: upstairs (for the bedrooms and playrooms,) downstairs (for entertaining spaces/the kitchen and stuff,) and finally, the basement, which is Torbjorn’s personal workshop. - Most third world countries would kill to have a workshop as good as his. - It’s all because Ingrid spoils him so much. He gets just as excited for Christmas as his kiddos do. - “The latest arc welder? Aww, honey, you shouldn’t have!” - Ingrid doesn’t work in his field, but she listens to his special interests dumps, and puts in enough research of her own, that she knows just what to get him every year. - Ingrid doesn’t like getting gifts as much as he does, so for Christmas, he always makes sure to spend quality time with her. He jokes that he ‘sucks at planning dates’ but he really doesn’t! For her, it’s nothing but the top restaurants and most exciting experiences. She loves going ice skating in particular, something that he hates but will always do with her. - Torbjorn and Ingrid split the cooking equally. They’re a bit traditionally gendered with what they like to cook, with Torb leaning more towards grilling and Ingrid preferring baking, but it suits them just fine. - Their grill, along with every other cooking contraption in the house, has been upgraded in some way. In fact, Torb’s the one who grills only because Ingrid still can’t figure out how to use the damn thing since he upgraded it. - Their house is covered in contraptions of all sorts. Other than the grill, Ingrid utilizes every single one of them. Meals get served and sent around via chutes. The floors sweep and mop themselves automatically when they’re dirty. The dishwasher loads, washes, and unloads itself in record time. - You know the zany contraptions in the Addam’s family house? Think that, but more brightly colored. - However, Ingrid’s taste in interior decorating is the opposite of gothic or minimalist- she loves quirky, unique features and bright colors. - She loves thrifting.  - The huge chair they got for Reinhardt in the living room was a thrift store find that she’s still very proud of. - She also has an old-fashioned “live laugh love” wall with all of the family portraits. She knows it’s cheesy, but it’s nostalgic for her.  - She doesn’t just bring furniture home. She also brings home cats. - That’s right. Brigitte got her cat love from Ingrid. - It’s a long-standing tradition, with the first cat she brought home was over thirty years ago when they were a new couple. - Torbjorn swore that it would be her cat and that he wouldn’t take care of it. - He was wrong. - Very wrong. - He now loves his cats and calls them cutesy nicknames in whatever language he feels like in the moment. - He built them automated feeders, automated litter boxes, and even some automated toys. He spoils them rotten. - Every time Ingrid brings home a new cat it’s the same routine. He swears that this will be the last one and that he’s not taking care of this one! But that’s wrong and he knows it. - But, because Ingrid’s always bringing things home, she’s a little more tolerant when Torbjorn brings. . . a specific Omnic. . . home.

- But that’s a whole other fanfic that I would need to write, so instead, back to the parenting! - Ingrid is 100% a feral soccer mom. Torbjorn is just as bad. - They’re the ones screaming their lungs out at sports games.  - They have a house rule where their kids have to participate in one extracurricular sport. It can be school teams, club teams, or even just working out on their own, but fitness is something that both Ingrid and Torb consider important. - Torbjorn, of course, built his own gym in the basement. He trained with Brigitte, and now he trains with another one of his daughters who’s taken an interest in weight-lifting. - But this all doesn’t mean that the Lindholms discourage more creative talents! - Torbjorn crafted a giant steel board where any arts and crafts get hung with magnets. One of his little boys is an artist and he couldn’t be more proud.  - Brigitte experimented with metal art when she was a teenager, and many of her pieces are now permanent fixtures in the Lindholm home. - She crafted a particularly beautiful string of lights that hangs above the dining room table.

- Now it’s time for Uncle Reinhardt!!! - Okay, so maybe he’s called just ‘Reinhardt’ by the older kiddos, but everyone knows he’s essentially an uncle in all but blood. - He’s been invited to every holiday celebration for about. . . actually, he’s just always been there.  - He’s a true multi-generational staple. Brigitte can’t remember a holiday without him, and now the younger kiddos are getting doted on by him every Christmas.  - Rein loves telling stories for the children. He spends the entire car ride there planning his multi-hour epics. - Now that she’s older, Brigitte sometimes helps with the storytelling, contributing sound effects and such. - Something which just causes Torbjorn to laugh and shake his head. - Reinhardt also loves nothing more than being a walking jungle gym. As soon as he walks in the door, he’ll grab the nearest kiddo and put them on his shoulders. He’s often seen walking around with a kid in each arm and usually an extra hanging off his back. - Sometimes he gives Ingrid a heart attack when he starts throwing kids around, but hey, she’s known him long enough at this point that she (mostly) trusts him. - Everyone gets sad when Reinhardt has to leave, but he insists that there is justice that needs to be done. He soothes the kiddos by promising an even better story when he gets back.

- Now it’s time to get sad. . . here’s my Brigitte headcanons. . . - Brigitte was REALLY close with her father growing up. She spent so much of her time in his workshop learning from him, as one of the only Lindholm children to take a liking to machinery and engineering. - However, when she moved out. . . she found it difficult to escape his legacy. Everyone, many of the older industry professionals and the like, expected her to be just like her father. They tried to cajole her into finishing old weapons designs that Torbjorn had abandoned. - It was then that she learned the full extent of Torbjorn’s involvement in the Omnic Crisis. - She had a lot of trouble reconciling this news with her love for him. It’s still something she had great difficulty with.  - This shock played a big part in her decision to give up on finding a job in the industry and instead accompany Reinhardt on his travels. - It wasn’t a decision that Torbjorn endorsed, which hurt their relationship even further. - But it’s not like he doesn’t try to keep in touch. They call every other weekend or so to catch up, but there’s always a tension between them that neither one is ready to address.  - They will talk about it someday. They’ll figure things out. They care about each other too much for either one to give up.  - In the meantime, though, Brigitte has gotten a lot closer with her mother. She calls her much more often.  - They talk about all of the things that Brigitte wasn’t all that interested in when she was younger. Stuff like fashion, makeup, and more traditional advice, such as how to get a date or what it feels like to fall in love.  - Ingrid also makes sure to show her how the cats are doing over the online call.

- To be truthful, Ingrid isn’t too worried about Brigitte’s decision to live the rough-and-tumble lifestyle. It reminds her a lot of her own young adulthood, where she decided to pick up everything and move to the big city to get away from her parents. - She’s quick to remind Torbjorn that her own little rebellion is how they came to meet whenever he gets worried about Brigitte’s decision. - (They met at Ironclad. The only job Ingrid could find after her big move was working secretary. She fell head-over-heels for him immediately, while it took him a while to warm up.) - (Their first date was just walking around the city, with Torbjorn talking almost the entire time about random things he saw. He’d see the newest cars on the street and dive into what he knew about that industry. They’d pass by a construction sight and he’d point out what tool designs were similar to the ones he was working on.) - (When he realized that she was actually listening to him and taking him seriously, he agreed to a second date and never looked back.) - They aren’t a perfect couple- they’ve had their fair share of arguments, especially because they’re both deeply stubborn, but they’re always able to work it out in a way that makes them both happy. That skill is why they’ve lasted so long. - One thing they’ve never argued about, though, is Torbjorn’s commitment to duty. When they started dating he made it clear that his work was very important to him. Ingrid made it clear that she was willing to be patient. - It got hard when he was away for months at a time with Overwatch during the Crisis and its aftermath, but through constant online calls they managed. - The biggest surprise of Ingrid’s life was when he told her he wanted to have kids when the Crisis ended. - Turns out, having a major life crisis about how your career impacted the world makes someone want to find another purpose in life besides their career. - And thus, they dove into parenthood together. - Now they both couldn’t be happier :)

[9hwa9joong]

My Top Songs [2020]

Hi all!

As 2020 comes to an end (thank whatever higher power there is), I wanted to share a list of my favorite songs! (the following are songs RELEASED this year) (I’ve included a list of songs that I heard this year, but weren’t released in 2020, after it). These are mostly korean/chinese.

Alright, this is in NO particular order, just my favorites. I’ve mostly included one song from a group/solo act and added their other great releases in description. It is mostly music that I listened to, so if your favs are not here, feel free to rec me good music! ENJOY!

(the list ended up becoming quite long, so read under the cut)

Black swan(orchestral version) by BTS

BTS had a great year musically. 2 korean albums, 1 japanese and lots of solo stuff. My most played songs are Dynamite (listen, she did what she had to do), Stay Gold (if gold had a sound, this would be it), Black Swan, Blue and Grey (i live for melancholy), Life Goes On (spring day’s successor), Filter(park jimin is a threat), Friends (my feels!), Louder than bombs (TROYE SIVAN), UGH (murder music), 00:00, Moon (jin solos are beautiful always) and Your Eyes Tell (honestly, show me one bad japanese single, i dare you).

Ghosting by TXT

I got into TXT a lot more this year, as opposed to being a casual listener that I was last year. Many people say they have a no-skip discography and I believe it’s true. My most played songs were Blue Hour (i ADORE this song), We Lost the summer, Wishlist, Can’t you see me (the song that made me a stan), Fairy of Shampoo (ethereal), PUMA (choi yeonjun is a threat), Eternally (an ATTACKK!) and their f2020 cover.

Answer by ATEEZ

Ateez is another group i really got into this year, mesmerized by their performance abilities. My most played : Star 1117 (i’m very soft for this song), To the Beat (a true bop), Inception (holy jongho vocals), One day at a time and Good Lil Boy (does hongjoong ever have a bad rap verse?). Their Black Cat Nero cover also blew me away!! (i’m lowkey obsessed).

God’s menu by Stray Kids

I’ve been keeping an eye on Stray Kids ever since hellevator came out and this is my favourite song by them, so far (yes, i had a heart attack when i first saw Hyunjin). Most Played : Back Door (the beat drop gives me life, the choreo is probably my fav), All in, Easy (do they ever have a bad chorus?), GO LIVE (the beat??!! killer), Another Day (i am a slow jam hoe) and My Universe.

Pacman by eaJ   

I didn’t think it was possible to love him more after day6 but Jae’s solo music has proved me wrong. Yes, i love Pillows (with Keshi) to bits but pacman is my first love. Most Played : It just is (Seori and their golden vocals), LA TRAINS (vocals!!!), Pinocchio (the mv is adorable, the beat is so fun), 50 proof (the vibes man, it's the VIBES) and TRUMAN.

Left & Right by Seventeen

Another group with amazing releases this year, I’m slowly getting into Seventeen more these days. Most Played : Fallin’ Flower (so beautiful, the vocals), 24H (the beat change?!!???), 17 (Joshua, DK and Pink Sweats) and HOME;RUN (this is a brand of fun that is entirely their own).

Not by the moon by GOT7

I am no stranger to GOT7, i’ve liked their music for years now but this is one of their more lyrical releases this year and i adore when GOT7 does this type of music. Most Played : Poison (jackson opens it and the vibes are immaculate), Last Piece (the way the vocals flow into the rap) and Thank You, Sorry.

So Beautiful by DPR IAN

This is literally the first song i’ve heard from this artist, please rec me more. I also adore No Blueberries with DPR LIVE and CL.

Eight by IU, Prod. SUGA

IU is an indisputable vocal queen, and her music always comforts me greatly so when i heard she was having a song produced by Yoongi, i promptly lost my shit. It was everything I expected and more and embodies sorrow and pain with great grace. Give you My Heart from the ‘Crash Landing on you OST’ was also a loved song this year.

Cry for me by TWICE

How do i talk about the queens? TWICE is the group i go to when I want fun music with good vibes but this song has such bad b*tch vibes that i am in love. Most played : More & More (a bop), Don’t call me again, I can’t stop me (i love the way it flows), Handle It (the vocals??? How pretty this song is???) and Say Something (seriously, eyes wide open is an amazing album).

Criminal by Teamin

Where do i start with Lee Taemin? I love almost all his solo stuff. He grabbed me by the neck ever since ‘Move’ and hasn't let go. Criminal is SO taemin that i don't think anyone else could have delivered the concept with such grace and grit. Most Played : 2 Kids (the chorus is so good), Clockwork, Idea (i love the vibe) and Pansy (i'm a ballad hoe).

Maria by Hwasa

Listen, i loved Twit when it came out but i love Maria as her sound so much more. Most Played : I’m bad too (feat. DPR LIVE) (i love the beat, the vibe and the flavor), LMM and Orbit from ‘The King: Eternal Monarch OST’ (as soon as her voice comes in, i loved the song).

Breath by DEAN, Rad Museum, Mokyo

I’m not aware of many DEAN releases this year, please feel free to rec me if I missed any.

Dear my friend by Agust D ft. Kim Jong Wan (NELL)

D-2 was everything expected from the second mixtape off Agust D and yet it brought a fresh wave of singing and melodies, once again proving the man’s production genius. This song is so reminiscent in it’s lyrics and still so real, its my favorite off the record.Other songs I loved : People, Deachwita and What do you think? (i DID love the complete mixtape though).

Given - Taken by Enhypen

Yes, I watched  I-LAND. Given-Taken was a better debut then I expected at first. 10 months (the chorus and beat) and Flicker off their debut album were also played a lot. 

I just want to stay with you by Zion.T

The King: Eternal Monarch was a much awaited drama for a lot of people and it’s OST is one of the best ones this year. Zion.T’s amazing vocals really did an amazing job of expressing the love in the story. Other songs I really liked from this album were Gravity by Kim Jong Wan and the Hydrangea Instrumental by Lee Geon Yeong.

The purge by Jay Park, pH-1, Woodie Gochild, Sik-K, and others.

H1GHER: RED TAPE is my hype album of the year. All artists involved did an amazing job. Seriously, get yourself some bomb ass beats, as a treat. Other loved tracks : Telefono Remix (Woodie Gochild is great at his flavour of delivery), Closed Case and The Arrival.

Soul by Lay (zhang yixing)

Yixing’s album LIT was his best project till date, no arguments. He’s really evolved into such a refined musician, especially with how well he merges traditional chinese instruments into Hip Hop/RnB beats and I adore the vibe of this album. Although the album is great entirely, Soul is my favourite for how softly and prettily it flows. Other loved tracks: Eagle (the BEAT), Fly, Boom (bops on bops on BOPS) and Call My Name.

100 ways by Jackson Wang

It is astounding how well Jackson has formed his own style of music ever since starting off with Papillon. He’s also sort of come into himself as an artist and it has birthed some great music. Other loved tracks : Pretty Please (i love the vibe of the song!) and Should’ve Let Go (ft. JJ Lin).

SUGA’s interlude by Halsey 

Idk how else to explain it but Halsey and Yoongi have great music synergy. There’s something about their song/lyric writing that matches very well and needless to say, I adore the song. Blueberry eyes by MAX is also another great Yoongi collab.

In Your Time by Lee Suhyun

It’s Okay to not be Okay had an OST that was dreamy, gritty and very fairytale-esque, much like the drama itself. Among a bunch of great songs, this one is my favourite. Other loved songs: You’re Cold by Heize (always delivers!), Breath by Sam Kim (OST angel), Hallelujah by Kim Feel (chills!), In Silence by Janet Suhh (literally how angelic is her tone??), I’m your Psycho by Janet Suhh (it’s creepy in a dreamy way) and Brother | Her World | Through the dark Tunnel of time | Butterfly - all amazing instrumentals by Nam Hye Seung and Park Sang Hee (seriously, go listen to the album).

By my side by Junny

Another great discovery towards the end of the Year, Junny has vocals for DAYS and admirable delivery. Other loved songs: AURA ft. pH-1, edge (this is so hypnotising in it’s beauty) and I will. Please feel welcome to educate me more about this artist!!

Make a Wish by NCT

NCT always provides bops and NCT U is my favourite sub-unit, for their unique style of music, so when they came out with this song I was ready and they delivered! Most Played : 90’s Love  (the old boy band theme was so well done), From Home (i’m a sucker for slow songs), Nectar (yes, i adore WayV’s music), MAD DOG by NCT 127 and Kick It by NCT 127 (this is the flavour of NCT i LOVE).

Zombie by Day6

Day6 has always been in my daily otations and as always, they put out good music after good music. I loved both the original Korean and the English versions of this song (they do rock well, what else is there to say?). Other loved songs : Tick Tock (oh the vocals, the way the beat moves!), Love me or Leave me, Day and Night... actually the whole Album is great, go listen to ‘The Book of us: The Demon’.

Fearless by Ma Di [other chinese songs]

Chinese songs have been a surprisingly pleasant addition to my daily rotation. Fearless from the “Go Ahead” OST takes the top stop because of how well it embodies the struggles of stepping into adulthood, the melody and MaDi’s amazing vocals. Other Chinese songs I loved: Praise for Red Plum Blossoms by Xiao Zhan (the perfect welcoming of spring paired with  such expressive vocals), Remaining Years by Xiao Zhan (Joy of Life OST) and his OST for the Oath of Love.

 ____________________________________________

The following is the list of songs I heard in 2020, but were not released in 2020. Please let me know if you like them, or if you know other similar music! (I know, I know, I’m late to the game) Enjoy!

DEAN - Sometimes I hear Howlin' in my head 

Zhang Jie/Zhang Bichen - Simple Wish 

Li Ronghao - If I were Young

JJ Lin - What I Miss

Ateez - Mist | Twilight | Wonderland | Say my name | Thank you 

Stray Kids - voices

Seventeen - Trauma

Loona - Hi High

Day6 - Shoot me 

GOT7 - You calling my Name 

RADWIMPS - Is There Still Anything That Love Can Do?

Baekhyun - UN Village

Taemin - Goodbye | want

Aquillo - Silhouette

Talos - To Each His Own

Cigarettes after sex (literally everything)

__________________________________________________

I know this was long, if you read it till the end, I hope you all enjoyed it still.

Have a smooth year in 2021,

-love, c.

[kimabutch]

Shaun Gilmore seems larger-than-life and over the top, but in the glimpses we get of him, he’s also just so complex and amazing and god I love him so much that it was inevitable I’d eventually write 1000+ words of meta about him and why he’s such a cool character.

So here it goes: Shaun Geddmore is a boy from a tiny town in the desert. His parents are sweet and loving, but perhaps don’t understand him the way he’d like — they know him as “brave” but don’t believe that he would singlehandedly protect a city. Shaun cryptically suggests that it’s “taken a while” for them to be proud of him. At some point in his young adulthood, he has a boyfriend (as shown by the letters under his bed), but this does nothing to deter him from leaving as “soon as [he] had the opportunity to leave,” called to the big cities of Tal’dorei.  

At some point, before or after he leaves, he discovers his strange powers, finding runes appearing on his skin and fantastic power running through his veins. We have no idea where he learns what this rare condition means, or how he learns to keep it carefully hidden even while making his livelihood from his arcane powers. Presumably, it’s around the same time where he learned the basics of his craft, including how to fight. 

Regardless, though, Shaun leaves for a different continent. A big city, with different languages spoken on the streets, with people of much lighter skin than him, and so much colder than his homeland. He changes his name to fit in, and opens up his shop. And he loves it — seems to love flirting with his clients and making money. Single items probably sell for more than his parents made in their entire lives. And maybe he forgets his parents a little; we know that he barely comes to visit, despite the ease at which he could teleport there. Maybe it’s hard to find the time or the energy when he works so hard. Maybe he finds the difference between his life in Emon and his life back in Shandal too jolting; they wouldn’t understand what he does or why it makes him so happy. Maybe he wants to live in the moment and visiting home feels like returning to his past. 

Because if nothing else, Shaun takes life as it comes. He sees Emon destroyed — this beautiful town where he’s started a life he couldn’t have imagined as a child — and he immediately fights, taking on a one-on-one dragon just to rescue people, stumbling back to his shop, his beautiful shop reduced to rubble, with Salda and her children in tow. He spends months in Whitestone single-handedly maintaining the barrier in a state of half-exhaustion, and still fights alongside Vox Machina to defeat Thordak. 

All this time, he watches Vax, the man with whom he’s flirted, who kissed him once, who said they couldn’t be together, struggle with mortality and fear and the uncertainty of his new love. And Shaun supports him and loves him and helps him discover his wings so that he might fly away from him. He does it all with a smile and a laugh because “the heart wants what it wants,” because of his endless belief that life will be okay. Vox Machina will kill the dragons, they’ll come back, he’ll set up shop again, and they’ll keep "pimping out [his] name.” He refuses to let Vax leave his side before the Thordak fight without a “til next time” and even at the campaign’s end, when we see him in 113, he’s still reassuring Vax that “it’ll be an honour knowing you still.”

And certainly, some of this optimism is a mask, a refusal to acknowledge or admit his own feelings. Shaun values his appearance, both physically in his dress and makeup, and emotionally in his semblance of optimism, control, and happiness. He doesn’t let many people close to him; Matt jokes, when we first see Gilmore on-stream, that “no one’s on a first-name basis with Gilmore,” and, true to this, it takes dozens of episodes for Vox Machina to start calling him Shaun. Within minutes of Pike bringing him back from the brink of death after he fights Thordak, he attempts to cast Prestidigitation to clean himself up; he does the same after learning of Vax’s death in the Search for Grog. Throughout the Chroma Conclave arc, he adamantly denies his exhaustion, despite the worries of his friends. He only jokes that he wants the "dragon business” to end so that he can return to his shop, that he’s been keeping a tab for how much Vox Machina owes him.

This is another mask he seems to put on, that of a hardnosed shopkeeper who puts money over sentimentality. But a shopkeeper like that wouldn’t sponsor a "bunch of bumblefucks” who constantly forget their promise to advertise his brand, or let them haggle him down in prices just because he finds Vax pretty. 

I’d go so far to say that in the background of Vox Machina’s adventures is a small character arc in which Shaun acknowledges that he loves helping people. Despite his bravery in the initial dragon attack, he doesn’t admit how altruistic he was; in response to Vax’s praise, he responds only “I could have saved more.” It takes his service towards Whitestone to acknowledge that it “feels nice to be helping others”; he explains: “it’s been a long time since I put my energy and talents towards anything beyond making shiny things.” His appearance in the Search for Grog provides a sort of conclusion of this arc. Vox Machina find Shaun using his magic to provide entertainment for children, to help people who “have lost far more” than him. And even if he still hides his grief (he has “an audience to perform for,” after all), his open desire to help others, to travel even further than Tal’dorei to take care of people who are suffering, to use his endless charm for unabashed good — that shows real growth in character.

Anyways, that’s why I love him. Because in addition to being fabulous, funny, and powerful, he’s a dynamic, flawed, and interesting character. He gets to grow, to change, to deny his emotions, to resent his parents, to love, to be sad, and to learn. He gets to have traits that come into conflict with each other: his love for Vax and his belief that love takes its own course; his pride in his powers and the necessity of hiding their origins; his money-making ambitions and his desire to help others. And he gets to do all of this while being a “camp” gay man who wears eyeshadow and who flirts unashamedly. 

And that’s why they call him glorious. 

[jeanvaljean24601]

How to Watch Mad Men and More Great Shows for Free Right Now

Another day, another brand new streaming platform out there begging you to subscribe to its service so you can ignore your family members and binge-watch a bunch of TV shows and movies in the name of entertainment. This time, it's NBCUniversal's Peacock, which offers a free tier as well as  two premium options (one with ads and one without). The service  features a number of programs for free, including Friday Night Lights and even Parks and Recreation, but Peacock isn't the only place you can stream great shows without breaking the bank.

Below, we've gathered up a number of shows that don't require you to shell out money for Netflix,  Hulu,  Amazon Prime,  Disney+, Apple TV+, HBO Max, Peacock, and/or  whatever other streaming service subscriptions are out there. Sometimes you just need a simple freebie. And you know what? You deserve it. So check out the list below and take comfort in knowing it won't cost you a thing.

Watch it on: IMDb TV

Until recently you had to have a Netflix subscription to watch Mad Men, AMC's Emmy-award winning period drama from Matthew Weiner that was dedicated as much to style as it was to substance. The 1960s-set series, which traced the rise and fall of flawed Madison Avenue advertising executive Don Draper (Jon Hamm) through his own complicated relationship with identity, was a pointed commentary on the toxic masculinity, sexism, and racism of the era. It also changed the way we watch and talk about TV. If you haven't seen it yet, now's the perfect time to do so.

The Dick Van Dyke Show

Watch it on: Tubi (complete series), Pluto TV (complete series)

Realizing  The Dick Van Dyke Show is streaming for free feels a bit like winning a secret lottery or viewing an exceptional piece of art without paying the museum admission fee. The popular comedy, which ran for five seasons, was created by Carl Reiner and starred Dick Van Dyke as the head writer of a TV show, while  Mary Tyler Moore portrayed his wife. It's a timeless classic — one that took home 15 Emmys during its run, and if you've yet to experience it, you literally have no excuse at this point.

The Dick Van Dyke Show Photo: Michael Ochs Archives/Getty Images

Watch it on: ABC app (complete series)

Felicity is best known as the show in which Keri Russell cut her hair (not to be confused with the show in which Keri Russell wore a lot of great wigs, aka The Americans). Depicting Felicity Porter's (Russell) college years and the struggles that accompany trying to figure out who you're supposed to be, the show is also famous for Scott Speedman's whisper-talking and the ongoing battle of Ben (Speedman) vs. Noel (Scott Foley). Although the WB series was previously streaming on Hulu, you can now watch it for free on the ABC app.

A reimagining of the kitschy original series, Syfy's Battlestar Galacticastarred Edward James Olmos, Mary McDonnell, Katee Sackhoff, Tricia Helfer, Michael Hogan, James Callis, and Jamie Bamber and explored the aftermath of a nuclear attack by the Cylons, cybernetic creatures invented by man who evolved and rebelled against their creators. The show was critically acclaimed for the way it tackled the subjects of science, religion, and politics, and for the way it explored the deeply complicated notion of what makes us human. Everything from the miniseries to the two BSG films (Razor and The Plan) is currently available to stream for free on Syfy's website, so there's no better time to watch it. So say we all!

Watch it on: IMDb TV (complete series), Tubi (complete series), Pluto TV (first 13 seasons), YouTube (first 13 seasons)

For many millennials, the fourth series in the Degrassi franchise, Degrassi: The Next Generation, is the defining iteration of the long-running Canadian series. The drama series, which was sometimes so overly dramatic it was actually funny, tackled everything from date rape and suicide to sexual orientation and teen pregnancy. The series, which launched the careers of Drake (then known as Aubrey Graham) and Nina Dobrev, is streaming on multiple free platforms.

Watch it on: ABC app (complete series)

Eli Stone really had it all, which is to say it had Victor Garber singing George Michael songs, Loretta Devine singing George Michael songs, and George Michael singing George Michael songs. What else is there? ABC's offbeat two-season comedy-drama starred a pre-Elementary Jonny Lee Miller as Eli Stone, a high-powered San Francisco lawyer whose brain aneurysm gave him prophetic visions — which usually involved his friends, family, and colleagues breaking into song. Aside from a couple of ill-advised plotlines (the pilot, which suggests vaccines cause autism, is best forgotten), the show was a blast: a weird but memorable cocktail that should have stuck around for more seasons because, as I mentioned, Victor Garber sang George Michael songs. Also, Sigourney Weaver played God?! -Kelly Connolly

Watch it on: YouTube (nearly every episode)

A true Canadian treasure,  The Red Green Show was a long-running comedy starring Steve Smith as Red Green, a handyman who constantly tried to cut corners using duct tape and who had his own cable TV show. It was a parody of home improvement shows and outdoor programs and featured segments like Handyman Corner, Adventures with Bill, and The Possum Lodge Word Game. The show ran for 15 seasons, airing on PBS in the States. 

TV Premiere Date Calendar: Find Out When Your Favorite Shows Are Back

Watch it on: IMDb TV (complete series), ABC app (complete series)

Critically beloved but struck down before its time,  My So-Called Life has been praised for its realistic and honest portrayal of teenage life, not just via Angela Chase (Claire Danes), but through the show's young supporting cast as well. Now considered to be one of the best shows of all time, it tackled topics like homophobia, homelessness, drug use, and more without ever feeling preachy or like an after-school special. Also, Jordan Catalano (Jared Leto) could lean.

Watch it on: CW Seed (first five seasons), IMDb TV (first five seasons)

If you don't have Netflix but still want to watch  Schitt's Creek, you'll be happy to know you can watch the first five seasons of the heartwarming, Emmy-nominated comedy series, about a wealthy family who loses everything they own except the town of the show's title, for free on CW Seed and IMDb TV.

Dan Levy and Catherine O'Hara, Schitt's Creek Photo: Pop TV

Watch it on: Peacock (complete series); IMDb TV (complete series)

You may never know what it feels like to have Coach Taylor (Kyle Chandler) be proud of you, but you can pretend by watching all five seasons of  Friday Night Lights, a series that was as much about a Texas community as it was about the sport that united it. By the end of the show, you'll be asking yourself "What Would Riggins Do?" and tattooing "Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose" on your body, all while chanting "Texas forever!" Trust me, it happens to everybody.

Watch it on: CW Seed (complete series)

It is relatively easy to forget that The CW series The Carrie Diaries was a prequel to  Sex and the City, because the charming show, which lasted just two seasons, was able to stand on its own. The coming-of-age series that followed a teenaged Carrie Bradshaw (AnnaSophia Robb) was relatively innocent compared to the original series. The show's 1980s setting made it easier for the writers to focus on more harmless family storylines and teenage heartbreaks, but the show never shied away from the heartstring-tugging drama of young adulthood either. It's a shame the show never got the kind of ratings it deserved and wasn't able to exist beyond Carrie's high school years, but the Season 2 finale works well as a series finale, so viewers won't feel as if the story was left incomplete. android tv box

Watch it on: CW Seed (complete series)

It's a shame Bryan Fuller's saturated dramedy  Pushing Daisies, about a pie-maker (Lee Pace) with the ability to bring the dead back to life, couldn't bring itself back to life after becoming a casualty of the 2007-08 writers' strike. A whimsical delight, the show featured the pie-maker teaming up with a local private eye (Chi McBride) to solve murders by reviving the victims for a brief time. Known for its quirky characters, eccentric visual style, and Jim Dale's pitch-perfect narration, it remains must-see TV.

Watch it on: IMDb TV (first seven seasons); Peacock

Columbo kicked off nearly every episode by revealing the crime and its perpetrator to the audience, which means unlike most crime dramas, the show was less about whodunnit and more about Peter Falk's iconic raincoat-wearing homicide detective catching them and getting them to confess. Oh, and just one more thing: it's great.

Watch it on: CW Seed (complete series)

The charming and playful Forever, which starred Ioan Gruffudd as an immortal medical examiner, was the one show that could have saved ABC's Tuesday at 10 p.m. death slot. But the network still canceled the series anyway, enraging the show's fans, who have never let the sting of its death go. Luckily, it now lives on, ahem, forever (aka until the content license expires) on CW Seed.

Watch it on: IMDb TV (complete series)

It sounds odd to say The Middle, which ran for nine seasons on ABC, was unfairly overlooked, but it always felt like the series, which followed the middle class Midwestern Heck family, was a bit of a hidden gem. It wasn't as popular with Emmy voters as, say, Modern Family, and critics also failed to give it its due, but it was a real, heartfelt, reliable family comedy with mass appeal, and you can stream it on IMDb TV for free. h96 tv box

Watch it on: ABC app (complete series)

Trophy Wife's short life — it was canceled after just one season — can probably be chalked up to its unfortunate title, which was meant to be ironic but ultimately kept viewers from tuning in and experiencing the warmth of the show and the relationships at its center. Malin Akerman starred as the young wife of  Bradley Whitford's middle-aged lawyer, and the comedy explored the dynamics between the two, his children, and his two ex-wives, who were played by  Marcia Gay Harden and  Michaela Watkins. h96 max x3

Watch it on: NBC app (complete series)

Loosely based on the Biblical story of King David, Kings was a compelling drama before its time. Rudely cut down after just one season by NBC, the show starred Ian McShane as the king of the fictional kingdom of Gilboa, while  Christopher Egan portrayed an idealistic young soldier whose counterpart is David. The show also starred Sebastian Stan, which is reason enough to want to check it out.

Watch it on: ABC app (complete series)

Ray Wise portrays Satan in Reaper, a supernatural dramedy about a slacker (Bret Harrison) who reluctantly becomes a reaper tasked with capturing escaped souls from hell after it's revealed his parents made a deal with the devil many, many years before. The fact the show only lasted two seasons is a crime against humanity. Luckily, you can watch it in its entirety for free on the ABC app. h96 max x3

Watch it on: IMDb TV (complete series)

A team of experts led by a kooky old scientist (John Noble), his son (Joshua Jackson), and an FBI agent (Anna Torv) investigate strange occurrences around the country, X-Files style, in the J.J. Abrams-produced Fringe. The series is one of the best broadcast science-fiction shows of all time, particularly in its first three seasons, and perfected the art of the serialized procedural by weaving the show's deep mythology and excellent character work into weekly standalone stories, making it easy to binge or watch in spurts. And by the time the end of Season 1 starts, you'll have a hard time stopping. -Tim Surette

Watch it on: Tubi (complete series), Vudu (complete series)

Although American TV producers would eventually adapt  Being Human, the original British version, which followed three supernatural beings trying to live amongst humans, is far superior. The show, which ran for five seasons, starred Aidan Turner, Russell Tovey, and  Lenora Crichlow as a vampire, werewolf, and ghost, respectively. So skip the U.S. version entirely and watch the U.K. series for free.

Watch it on: Pluto TV (complete series),  Vudu (complete series), Tubi (complete series)

The Australian young adult-oriented series Dance Academy is not exactly what you'd call "great television," but it is great fun. Brimming with teen angst and melodrama, the series, which ran for three seasons and even had a follow-up movie, followed a handful of dancers at Sydney's National Academy of Dance as they trained in the sport they loved while also falling in and out of love with each other. The acting was sometimes questionable, but the series itself was addictive, not to mention one of the easiest binges you'll ever encounter. h96 max tv box

3rd Rock From the Sun

Watch it on: Tubi (complete series), Pluto TV (complete series), Crackle (all six seasons),  Vudu (all six seasons)

You might think a show about a group of socially awkward, 1,000-year-old aliens in human skin suits who are trying (badly) to pose as a human family and blend into an ordinary Midwest town might sound ridiculous, and, well, that's fair. But  3rd Rock From the Sun was still charming in even its most bizarre moments and gave its cast a lot of room to play up their roles and create an ensemble of weirdos that, at some point or another, start to tap into their newfound humanity and relish their new home here on Earth. -Amanda Bell.

[polar-stars]

6, 7, 22, 25, 26 for Shigeo?

Of course! Thanks for asking ! I always love talking about my evil snake-son !

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

Shigeo is a fairly intelligent kid and it does show in his grades for the most part. Putting all of Totsuki’s Cooking-Classes aside for a sec, he actually does have the best grades out of his brothers and also out of Suzume, Akio and Hiraku. He will reach his graduation and he will go onto studying business (like moi) abroad (unlike moi).  

He’s not all too excited about school but does not necessarily hate either. There are quite some things he considers a waste of his valuable time, but there’s also stuff he does kind off actually enjoy. 

His favorite subjects are math and chemistry, because this is were he has to try the least in a sense. He’s a logical dude and understands math fairly well and has also been making use of much, much math throughout consulting. Concerning chemistry, given that Shigeo’s cooking style relies heavily on knowing the chemistry of his ingredients, this is also just a piece of cake for him. He also finds enjoyment in politics and history. 

Least favorite subjects would be philosophy and anything artsy. He’s actually good at philosophy but just because philosophy, at least what you get taught in school, is not insanely hard. (Maybe that’s just me though, but I always thought of philosophy as a fairly easy subject ovo;;) But he finds everything discussed in this subject so insanely boring and a waste of time (and sometimes even downright moronic). I mean you really think Shigeo Eizan wants to learn about what Old Greeks considered to be moral? Artsy subjects are also considered a waste of time for him and he sees no point in them (also he’s not good at most of them, except for....theatrics maybe because he’s a great actor actually)

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood? 

No.

At a earlier, happier stage of his life he would occasionally chat and maybe play a little with other rich kids he’d met at parties but there was never much grand contact there afterwards meep. He was always kind off much of a Lonely Rich Kid TM. Though he did have Masashi, and later also Kei of course, around and they found plenty of things to do and to entertain each other. 

Over time, he got rather incapable of making friends actually. 

His first, true friend was Moe who he also remains best friends with to this day as we know. He was also able to befriend Kiyoko and Yoshiko, though this is pretty much were it ends. 

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

Ohoho~ An excellent question ! Gosh, were to even begin...

Overall and generally speaking, his main favorite way to go is attacking other people’s intellect. You see, Shigeo is smart and knows that he is. And he’s absolutely obnoxious about it. Shigeo is basically the TV-Trope “Insufferable Genius” and more than often makes himself out to be the most intellectual in a bunch, which in his mind gives him the right to dub everyone else surrounding him stupid. He therefore uses words like “moron”, “idiot”, “fool”, “nitwit” and such a lot. As well as describing people as “senseless”, “mindless” and “asinine” and such.

Shigeo also has to make sure that everyone knows that he feels threatened by no one. No matter how heart-wrenching your speech to challenge him was, he won’t blink an eye. You do not matter for him. Therefore, he also makes usage of words like “pathetic” or “ludicrous” or “ridiculous” or, when feeling exceptionally devilish, “pitiful”. 

Given that he also views himself as very fashionable, Shigeo insulting other male people’s looks can happen as well but not that much. 

Further than that, Shigeo is one to pick up people’s insecurities and what upsets them the most and such. And he will keep it in mind. He does often attack people through things he knows they’re sensitive about. Examples would be his constant commentary on Takayuki’s height (in form of “midget”, “shrimp or “runt”) or Hiraku’s commoner-background. 

He’s also pretty sarcastic and I don’t know if that truly counts but he’s also very known for a blunt “Die” or alternatives to such (like “Choke”) and sometimes even more brutal editions of such. 

And welp, he’s most defiantly able to confront and insult people directly. In fact, he lives for it. 

25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?

Suffering. 

He does take actual entertainment of watching people desperately trying to wriggle themselves out of a hopeless situation he drove them into. But also just smaller things, like Akio being exhausted from a day full of maniacal Hiraku-antics. Shigeo is the worst. 

As you can maybe see, Shigeo’s overall sense of humor is pitch-black-dark. And when he does truly attempt to be funny, his jokes never land because everyone hates them ahsdhd. I think unintentionally he can say a few funny things though time to time.

For one possibly a bit more nicer thing, he finds Chieko greatly amusing sometimes. Though not in a bad way at all but in a charmed, pretty much adoring way. 

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions? 

When just content how one of his plan’s went or so, he usually becomes evermore cockier and smug for the time being and also brags a ton more. Maybe he will even begin to hum. 

True, wholesome happiness is something he wouldn’t want anyone on Totsuki to see on his face and so this is something he rather attempts to hide unless he’s with people he trusts (which would be his family or the Saitos). 

[grumpy-gay-gardener]

We have had ferals in our neighborhood for many decades. We fed our original “Mama Kitty” for the first few years we lived here. She had several litters through the years and was too smart to be trapped so us neighbors could have her spayed. She was mostly very wild but would visit me when I gardened. Wouldn’t let us come near her but she would hang out at good distance. One winter morning some 10 or 11 years ago, I found her dead on our deck. We did our best to help her but it was as agonizing to lose her. We had her cremated and returned her ashes to the he main garden in back.

Her offspring have come around sporadically. Another Mama Kitty in particular made herself at home around here. A few years ago, she decided our deck was a good place to stash her kittens. We tried to catch them but failed and Mama moved them. We only saw one kitten make it to adulthood and it rarely came around.

Our neighborhood is tough for feral cats because we have a lot of coyote and fox. Coyotes hunt cats and kittens and fox hunt kittens.

Last fall, mama had another litter she moved under our deck. We tried to cautiously intervene but she moved them again. We didn’t see any of them again until one winter night, a single grey kitten appeared on our deck. We put good out and it continued to come around. We built a feral cat house, put in a heating pad, put out a heated water bowl and built a lean to shelter along the deck to protect kitten from the elements. Kitten came ever evening almost and I’d be worried sick when it didn’t show up. We were certain it was a girl so we’d refer to her as baby girl etc. We got to the point that we could lay down with our head by the the glass and baby kitty would bump up against it and purr. Next we put our hands out through the barely opened sliding glass door so she could get used to our smell.

Meanwhile, I’d see fox tracks in the backyard the next day and is dress about kitty.

Next we would bring out toys and use a laser and kitten would play and play. We named her munchkin because she had short little legs. We got so Munchkin would give us toe bean touches when we would put our hand out.

One night, I spotted the fox coming for Munchkin right up to the deck. I shooed the fox and decided it was time to intervene. We were full invested emotionally at this point. I still well up with tears even today. I prayed to any power that may exist to help me save this lovable little kitten that worked its way into our hearts. I opened the sliding glass door and began to coax Munchkin through the door into our TV room with the laser. Purring and playful, Munchin came fully through the opening. I quick closed the door and shouted for my Husband. “We got her”

This was followed by Mubxhkun freaking out. She went straight up the curtains and began pissing everywhere. My husband got a hold of her and then she got a hold of his hand and bit something fierce. We got her into a carrier and spent the night with her downstairs in the basement to keep her separate from our cats until she could be tested and quarantined. The TV room was hosed with Nature’s Miracle.

We get munchkin to the vet and find out she is actually a he. Munchkin tests negative for all diseases and didn’t even show any signs of fleas, ticks or war mites.

We get him back home and begin socializing him in the basement. The first few weeks he hides in a bunch of blankets on some storage bins. He eats well and gets lactose free milk. At first he would use the litter box so we moved it up to the far corner when he was going potty. He is litter trained from then on.

Next we set up a chair adjacent to his blanket hideout and begin to sing and sweet talk to him through his kitty cave. We take shifts doing this for hours. Next, we begin to pet him and cradle him through what we’ve now termed the purrito because there’s this folded pocket in the blanket where he sleeps like it’s a hammock. He will purr and let us hold him but doesn’t come out. We’ve taken turns sleeping in a chair didn there to get him use to us.

Finally, we start carefully pulling him out of his purrito. He will sit on our chest and purr for brief periods but then would hide. Soon enough, he’s out more and watching us from a distance. We get more toys and the laser and he begins to play again. We had an old metal extending antenna that becomes his favorite toy to attack under blankets and pillows.

In April, about 3 months from when they’d all began, we get him fixed and then introduce him upstairs to our two Siberian brothers. At first all is well but our silver Siberian Ivan doesn’t like Munchkin. A hiss fight ensues and Munchkin makes it his only priority to terrorize Ivan for the next few months. We begin referring to Munchkin as a face hugger from Aliens because he likes to pounce on the big kitties faces and hugs us while sitting on our chest with his head under our chin.

He’s now mellowed and grown so much we renamed him Xeno and in xenomorph because he’s got huge teeth, sleek grey on grey striped fur that looks like metal and a long tail that could be a weapon.

Of course, his mama showed up this same spring with more kittens under the deck. All the kittens eat when we put food out. They explore the area around the deck and play. There’s one black kitten, one thats a grey/tan striped that looks just like Mama, one with grey stripes and white paws, face and tip of the tail, and one with light grey stripes. One day, the light grey striped one followed Mama on a hunting trip and didn’t come back.

We decide to get a have-a-heart trap because we don’t want to watch all these kittens disappear. We also want to get mama fixed. Mama is well known in our neighborhood and is elusive of traps. We bait it with tuna and catch her in 5 minutes. This is around mid June

She’s very wild and having a fit. We get her in the garage and cover the cage with a blanket. It takes hours of frustrating calls to find a place that will fix a feral cat on short notice. We get her fixed and release her. Meanwhile, we set the trap for the kittens. We catch the grey/tan one first. This is the kitten that liked to dig in all my planters so we call it Digger.

Next we catch the black one and decide to call it Ebony.

The final kitten is stubborn. It holds out got a couple of days crying under the deck but avoiding the trap. After moving the trap a few times, we catch the last kitten. We name it Tipsy because of the tip of the tail that looks like it was dipped in white paint.

We set up a fencing in area in the basement and convert a dog crate to kitten cage for the 3 kitties. Ebony and Digger start to socialize quickly but Tipsy hisses when whenever we get near.

A vet visit reveals that Tipsy and Digger are girls and Ebony is a boy. Ebony has the same patch of lighter fur on his chest as his older brother Xeno does. Tipsy has pink toe beans and eyes with an inner ring of blue, followed by a ring of green followed by a ring of hazel. She has all of TFW’s eye colors. Digger is the smallest and has sienna colored spots on her belly. She has the downward folds over her big almond eyes that make it impossible to say no to.

We take several months to socialize the kittens before introducing them to the other cats. They all become huge smugglers and Ebony takes to sleeping on my chest with his head tucked under my beard. Tipsy is still a bit weary of us but becomes social and playful. They all get fixed and we finally introduce them to the other cats. Our two oldest aren’t thrilled but are okay. Xeno is thrilled to have siblings and warms up to them quickly. This was in August.

We now have 6 kitties we adore. We love them all so much.

[christophe-delorne]

Good Dog

Chapter 7

Warnings: Excessive swearing

Pairings: Gregory x Christophe

AU: Adulthood

The air port was crowded, with summer beginning, people were filing in for vacation travel. Christophe had never actually properly experienced something the average person would call a vacation, he'd never be able to enjoy himself anyways. He'd been on pretend vacations, a couple with Gregory, faking being happily together while undercover for one reason or another. He hated those times the worst. Though he was certain this whole trip was going to top the list in being the worst trip. He hated America, well more so he hated the people living in it. Gregory said he was just over reacting, well, he wasn't the one to have technically died during their little trip to America as kids.

"Come now, Christophe, grab our bags, we are supposed to check in the hotel in an hour. With traffic the way it is, we will be hard pressed to make it there in time." Gregory's voice broke through Christophe's thoughts, drawing him back to the present, which wasn't exactly what he wanted. Every so often, someone would brush passed him and it was grating on his nerves. Not to mention he hadn't been able to smoke a single cigarette in over eleven hours, he was not in the best of moods to be dealing with people.

Muttering under his breath, Christophe picked the bags off the conveyor belt and extended their handles so he could roll them. As usual Gregory had denied Christophe the right to use his tattered old and trusty suitcase, instead insisting on using suitcases that looked like they cost more than what he spent in an entire year. Or two. Gregory was always one to show off his wealth in subtle ways, elegant, refined, no need to flaunt extravagantly when everyone knew his wealth and status. Christophe pulled the bags behind him as he followed after Gregory, at least the man was useful in the way people seemed to part for him, unlike for some grungy, short Frenchman with an attitude problem.

As they neared the exit doors, Christophe tensed, his gaze flickering towards someone who was approaching them directly ahead with focus set on them. He was ready to step in front of Gregory and attack when Gregory smiled and opened up his arms in welcome. The other person, who Christophe was still trying to figure out, smiled and rushed up to hug Gregory in return. Christophe relaxed in one sense but only felt irritable in another. He turned his head, deciding in favor to observe their surroundings that deal with this shit again.

"Gregory! Its been so long since I've seen you. How was your flight?" Black hair, short but styled in a way that made the person appear male, but Christophe couldn't be fore certain. Something was off, something that maybe the untrained eye couldn't see, but for someone who was used to disguising himself, Christophe knew better. However, Gregory seemed to have been expecting them and didn't glance at Christophe to give the Frenchman any hint to be on guard. So whatever secret this person was hiding, wasn't important enough to warrant further investigation from Christophe.

"Long and dreary, I'm afraid. However, worth the trip to be here once more. So catch me up on all the details on the ride to the hotel, yes?" Gregory had already hooked his arm into the crook of this stranger, seeing how Gregory didn't bother to introduce Christophe, it appeared that his services weren't required. So he just trailed silently after them, having no inclination to join the casual banter anyways. Corprate politics and boring lives of the stranger didn't appeal to Christophe. As they reached the car finally, Christophe shoved the suitcases into the back of the car, a sleek charcoal gray color. Probably electric if Christophe had to guess, but not exactly a family car either.

When Christophe slammed the trunk closed, this seemed to finally catch the stranger's attention, scowling at Christophe in annoyance because he'd been a little too rough with their car. Christophe stared back, daring the other to say something. Eleven fuckin' hours without a god damn smoke in economy class seating, Christophe was not in the mood and was just looking for a fight at this point.

"Ah, my apologies, I got so distracted trying to catch up, I forgot to introduce you two. Christophe, this is Wendyl, Wendyl, this is my co-working, Christophe." Gregory seemed to catch onto the tension and smoothly interjected to cleanly break it.

"Christophe?" Wendyl looked over to Gregory as if trying to gain further information but Gregory provided none. However, Wendyl seemed to be smart enough to start connecting the dots as he turned his gaze back to Christophe. "As I recall, you were the one who failed to save Terrance and Phillip when we were kids. Stan mentioned it a while back, but Kyle doesn't talk much about it."

"I failed?!" Christophe fired off, slamming his fist on the trunk, causing it to dent before Christophe moved around the car towards Wendyl, or Wendy, whichever they decided to call themselves now days. He'd never met them, but when they were kids, Stan hadn't shut up about her at the time. To think that people thought he was to blame for what happened back then, when it wasn't even his fight to begin with? He'd died because of the incompetence of those three other boys, it was an insult to his very name.

"Christophe, that was a long time ago, as adults, we forgive what was done as children and move on." Gregory tried to appease for once, he knew Christophe's death had been a serious, traumatic event. For both of them.

"Fuck off, Gregory." Christophe turned his seething glare onto Gregory, infuriated that he'd bring someone from that God forsaken town here, after everything they'd done to the both of them. He didn't care about the warning look on Gregory's face, Christophe would not stand for this, he'd done so many things for Gregory, but not this, Not ever. "Fuck all, I'm out. Don't even fuckin' think about crawling to me cryin' because some salope broke your pathetic heart again." Christophe waved off, dismissing the both of them and turning on his heel before either one of them could retort.

He needed a cigarette, needed to calm his nerves and stay away from anyone that even seemed familiar in this country. Eventually, he'd return to Gregory, he always did, but he needed space. He walked. And walked. With no direction in mind, just needed to move, to get as much distance as he could from Gregory. The betrayal was still raw, as if it all happened yesterday. Gregory might be able to forgive and forget, but the scars on Christophe's body would never allow him to forget. He could remember the way Gregory had looked at him that day, a sign of weakness, one Christophe had never seen again in their years together. Whatever humanity Gregory had left had been destroyed that day, all because of the people from South Park.

Christophe enter a convenience store, blindly searching for the nearest place to buy a pack of cigarettes. Of course, he used Gregory's card, the asshole owed him a pack for his troubles anyways. Christophe was all too eager to get outside so he could at least calm his addiction down. Tossing the plastic wrap in a nearby bin, he tore into the pack for a fresh cigarette, using the cheap lighter he'd bought, he lit the tip. The tip flared as Christophe sucked at the cigarette, trying to get that fix to calm his nerves.

"Hankerin' for a smoke that badly, huh?" A voice interrupted his moment of bliss, lowering his brows and glaring a warning at the man beside him. Tall, messy blond hair, looked more like a homeless person than anything. However, Christophe didn't look much better most days, so he wasn't one to judge. "Mind if I bum one off ya?"

Annoyed, he studying the other male, appeared to be his age, blue eyed with a cocky grin. Something was off about him though, so Christophe humored him for the time being. He tapped the bottom of the pack, sending a cigarette up through the slot in the top before offering it to the homeless man. The blond took it with a little laugh, placing the cigarette between his lips, leaning forward to allow Christophe to light it for him.

"Thanks bunches, Chris."

"If you know my name then you know that you should probably get the hell away from me."

"C'mon, we're practically close buddies. What's a lil' death between friends, right?"

Christophe raised a brow and pulled heavily on his cigarette as he reassessed the man beside him, not a lot of people knew about his death. Only the three boys did and he was certain this was not one of those boys. "Since you know my name, its only fair if you give me yours."

"We both know nothing in this hell hole is fair. Buuut..." The blond seemed to grin, too optimistic, perhaps a little crazy. Or maybe that's what he wanted people to think, he'd seen those types before. People won't look closely into someone if they were someone they didn't want to be around. Overly optimistic people, homeless, acting a little odd, all signs that the average person would avoid. "I guess I owe it to ya', since we didn't get to properly meet last time. You can call me Kenny and I'm here to help you on your little mission."

So it appeared Kenny was a well informed man and that alone was enough to warrant Christophe's caution. People who had too much information were dangerous and nobody in the world helped others from the kindness of their hearts. They were always trying to gain something for themselves, Christophe was no exception either.

"What's in it for you?"

"Well, I've always fancied myself as a kind of super hero. One for justice and all. But I take it you won't be satisfied with that answer, huh?" Christophe gave a slight shake of his head, only idiots thought themselves as superheroes. "I'm doing it to save a couple people I love. You know how people do anything for that, yeah? Pluuus." Kenny went on, leaning a little closer to Christophe, he could smell old clothes but underneath there was a hint of expensive perfume. Likely to be missed by the untrained, but Christophe had his senses on high alert always. It was part of his job to collect information, who knew when it might be vital to the mission.

"I can get you all the information you need."

"Why do you need me then?" Christophe flicked a bit of ash of the tip of his cigarette, it all seemed too convent for his liking.

"This job requires more than one person to complete. Its far too big for me to handle on my own. And, as you well know, I can't really rely on my dumbass childhood friends to help me. They don't have the necessary requirements to see this job through."

Christophe considered it, Kenny was right, it wasn't often one came across someone who had the abilities like Christophe did. However, if Kenny knew about him, about the mission, he'd also know about Gregory. So why not approach the Brit instead? Gregory was the planner, Christophe was simply the worker.

"You know I only take orders from Gregory. If you want me to do something, go talk to that asshole."

"Nah, I don't like talkin' to the Man in charge, I prefer one on one with the little guys. More comfortable for me that way." Kenny dug around in his worn out second hand pockets, pulling out a crumbled up bit of paper. "Here, this is my phone number. If you need anything give me a ring, maybe I'll let you buy me a drink sometime too." Kenny gave him a wink before snuffing out his cigarette on the top of a trash can before disposing it into the cigarette disposal.

"Like hell." Christophe grumbled a reply, looking down at the paper pressed into his hand. Well, it was a start and he'd tell Gregory about the encounter later. Right now he was still being pissed at the man and going back would only result in getting punished for the way he'd acted. He wasn't really looking forward to that right now, so he might as well investigate Denver a little before heading to the hotel. He watched as Kenny waved at him before crossing the street, Christophe didn't bother to return it. He'd never been the friendly sort.

[kokobussy]

The New Guy Pt. 2 - Chen x Reader

summary: Even before Minseok came along, Jongdae’s always had a thing for you.

warnings: sub!chen, dom!reader, humiliation, pain kink, bdsm, some cock torture but not too hard so don’t let that scare you lol

word count: 6.9k

a/n: sorry it took a million years but here’s the sequel you guys wanted! I hope you like it! Link to Pt. 1 is here

Jongdae’s worked here for five years now. Unlike a lot of his peers, he didn’t have to intern in order to work for Tokki Corporation. Surprisingly enough his internet reputation got him the job more so than his official GPA. Back in his college days, Jongdae coded anything from website layouts to viruses, ranging in severity and design, just to keep his belly fed. Over time his popularity surpassed him within the coding community for doing just about anything for money. Sure it wasn’t always good, but he was struggling just like everyone else and had to find a way to make end’s meat. As graduation reared its ugly head, Jongdae realized that in the real world he wouldn’t be able to get by with popularity and occasional payments alone. Before he could even upload his application, he received an email from the Tokki Corporation asking for an interview. Their company had been under cyber attacks lately due to...a bunch of nonsense that he hadn’t really paid attention to honestly. From what he did gather it sounded like easy stuff, child’s play, and would probably only take a couple of hours to correct.

When Jongdae arrived at the corporation’s massive building, he had shakily reported that he was there for an interview. Being fresh out of college Jongdae only had ill-fitting slacks and a baggy button down from a local Good Will to wear. The secretary had eyed him incredulously, probably chalking him up to be another throw-away-hire, and made a quick phone call. His interview took place at the highest office in the building, overlooking what seemed like the entirety of Seoul judging by how high it was. A man sat behind a large glass desk, back facing the city as if it meant nothing, and looked over Jongdae’s printed out resume. Jongdae stood there like an idiot, looking around the office in awe and wondering if everyone’s office looked like this here. Despite the regality of said office, he couldn’t help but notice the small rabbits littered around. Rabbit plushies and figurines, ranging in size, littered around the book case and desk and even the guy’s writing utensils.The man, probably the interview, looked at him pointedly until Jongdae sat down in a smaller chair just in front of his desk, slightly looking up at the man. 

The interview process was incredibly quick. Some general questions were asked, questions that Jongdae “uhh”-ed and “uhm”-ed through as he shook like a leaf in his seat, but the interviewer seemed to disregard them entirely.  Finally the interviewer placed the resume down and truly looked at Jongdae for the first time since he came in and said,”I’m Junmyeon by the way and I’ve seen what you can do. We’ve been following you for a while now.” Now at that point Jongdae nearly shit himself. He’s not afraid to admit it. Why the fuck would this major company be watching him? Every conspiracy theory known to man flowed into his mind from the men in black to the Illuminati, but Junmyeon immediately debunked those. “I’m a fan of your work,” he said with a smile,”I’ve already made my decision. I’d like you to lead our IT team.” After that one interview, Jongdae had the job in the bag. So he came to this company straight out of college with an open mind and an eager heart, ready to take adulthood on by the horns. He made plenty of friends inside the company and outside, rented out a one bedroom, and even started his adult life.

Everything came a little too easily though. Jongdae did his job well and he was proud of that, but over time everything seemed to become dull. As he grew more experienced in his role, made friends at the company, and even seemingly conquered adult life and all its misfortunes, Jongdae grew bored. He got tired of the routine, tired of coming to the same sad basement every day, tired of the leaky coffee machine that - depending on its mood- would shock him, and especially tired of Oh Sehun calling the IT line to taunt him and immediately hang up before Jongdae could come up with a well thought out response. Sehun and Jongdae began officially working for the company around the same time, spending the first two weeks together during orientation in order to “bond” as a team despite them being in completely different departments. The two of them had been friends, genuinely, for a little while, but eventually they grew apart once they were sorted into their own departments. Jongdae remembers you very clearly from orientation, way too nice to be Sehun’s friend and laughing at all of Jongdae’s stupid jokes. He remembers you trying your hardest to keep the peace when things got too heated between him and Sehun. He remembers you, every bit of sweet and charming, looking at him like he was something special.

After orientation though, Jongdae hadn’t seen much of you. There was really no reason to. The two of you weren’t that close and he didn’t really have any reason to go to the upper levels of the building since he could just send any of his employees in his stead. You eventually slipped into the very corner of Jongdae’s mind, a hazy lustful memory that sometimes came up when he couldn’t sleep at night and needed to rub one out.

But, of course, one day it all changed.

One particular day after Jongdae got to work late, received a horrible sting from the terribly mean coffee machine, and spilled said coffee on his khakis, he got another stupid call from Sehun. It wasn’t so much as what Sehun said exactly, but more the fact that he almost never wants to deal with Sehun’s antics. These phone calls usually ranged from a dig at Jongdae’s fashion sense, even though Sehun hasn’t seen him in a while, to random silly names in a childish voice that grates his nerves and before Jongdae can think of a good response, Sehun hangs up accordingly. But Jongdae was already having a terrible day. So with all the anger and frustration he could muster, he headed upstairs to give the asshole a piece of his mind. When he finally got there 10 minutes later, after walking up and heaving over numerous flights of stairs due to maintenance on the main elevator (somehow the only elevator that went down to the basement), Jongdae rushed through the halls of Human Resources to figure out how exactly to handle this situation.

In his anger he didn’t think to simply call one of the managers or even shoot an email. Like an idiot, he rushed up here only to slowly realize that maybe this isn’t exactly the most professional approach. His furious stomps turn into timid steps as he grows more aware of his surroundings. Employees hustle their way back and forth from their desks, simply moving to the side to avoid Jongdae and his confusion to do their jobs. Jongdae begins feeling out of place as more and more people shoot glances his way, at his coffee stained khakis and flustered face. He’s completely out of his comfort zone, upstairs with the other departments that made this company, and it’s kind of getting to him.

The IT department is located in the very bowels of the building, far away from all the regular workers here, and the distinction is very noticeable. None of the other workers really even knew what the IT department did besides the basics like fixing computers or getting malware off of Wu Kris’ porn ridden desktop a little too often. The department itself was filled with nice enough people who didn’t really know how to socialize, much less fix their weird reputation of being “troll people”. Jongdae likes to think he’s different and loves proving these people wrong by showing how handsome, talented, and outgoing he is. While Jongdae had reasonable social skills, he did tend to get flustered easily in social situations. His social anxiety is something he constantly denies and struggles with, refusing to admit that he’s as awkward as his employees. Suddenly a familiar voice  pulls him out of his reverie, nearly making him jump out of his slightly damp skin.

“Hey! Do you need help with something?”

There are offices all around him, the amount of people flowing in and out and about them confusing him all the more, but a soft “Over here!” guides him to a large office with an open wooden door. He sees a small streetview of the city in a small window before his eyes land on you. Your suit, buttons undone a little too low to be professional, your golden name plate, bold and starking on your desk, and your smile, just as sweet as he remembered.

“Jongdae?”

Before his mind can catch up with him, Jongdae manages a smile and a friendly, “Jesus, Y/N, is that you? I haven’t seen you in forever!”

As Jongdae steps into the room, doing his best to come off as casual and not at all as nervous as he feels, he’s met with the very last person he wants to see. Sehun turns around in his chair, widening his eyes in surprise, as he says,“Kim? What are you doing up here?”

God. Jongdae can’t tell if he’s actually asking or just being an asshole, but whatever Sehun’s doing, Jongdae has entirely thought out an eloquent ‘fuck you’ that’ll send Sehun reeling. Somehow despite the eloquent and well thought out ‘fuck you’ he planned, Jongdae can feel his face flushing more and more the longer the two of you stare at him. There’s an awkward pause which Jongdae can feel in the very pit of his stomach. He doesn’t know what to say. He genuinely wasn’t expecting you to be one of the main managers now and he certainly wasn’t expecting Sehun, of all people, to be a part of the HR department.

With this sudden change, Jongdae feels his heart race, his skin prickle with nerves he didn’t realize were there. Your eyes, darker than he remembers, roll over his form and take him in for what he is. A nervous idiot who apparently doesn’t know how to talk to people. When your gaze moves to Sehun, you lightly smack his arm and nod at the door before saying,”I’ll see you later for lunch.”

Sehun’s eyes widen slightly, looking between you and Jongdae before landing on you once again, and he pouts,”Nooo! don’t make me leave. Look at his chinos. Let me have this.”

For some reason, despite his nerves, Jongdae feels the need to interject,“They’re khakis.”

“You would think that.”

You lightly smack Sehun again and nod at the door,”Goodbye, Sehunnie.” He leaves without further prodding, but not before snorting at Jongdae’s general direction and closing the door behind him. The two of you are left there, alone in your office, with the hum of afternoon traffic filtering in from outside.

“You can sit down, Jongdae.”

Your voice is more comforting than he remembers, something about it almost immediately calming the pressure building up in his body, the need to climb out of his own skin. Jongdae sinks into the very seat that Sehun previously occupied, resting against the arm chair and spreading his legs slightly. The attempt to look bigger than he really is isn’t lost on you, but you let him get comfortable without protest.

You’ve been working in HR for a few years now and have finally become one of the managers in your department. You worked very hard to get to where you are and you’re incredibly proud of yourself. A major part of your job is ensuring that everyone is comfortable in their workspace. The reason why you’re so good at your job is because of how observant you are as well as your ability to calm people down. There’s a heady lavender scent filling the walls of your office, a thick smell that lulls Jongdae’s senses. You have little knick knacks and pictures littered around the space to make your office appear more like a casual place than what it actually was. Here in the middle of everything is Jongdae, an old friend from orientation.

Jongdae sparks up small talk, trying desperately to get the attention off of him and onto something else, as he looks around the room. You entertain him, of course, and occasionally glance at the way he picks at an escaped thread on your arm chair. He’s more handsome than you remember, blonde tresses contrasting nicely with his skin.

When the two of you were new hires, you’d been attracted to Jongdae. You laughed at his jokes, went out of your way to hang out with him, and even met up with him a few times outside of work, but either he was incredibly oblivious or simply wasn’t interested. Eventually you gave up your pursuit and instead focused on work, burying yourself in your workload and sure enough coming out on top. The two of you move from small talk to actual topics of conversation to internet communities. Jongdae had entirely forgotten why he was so attracted to you aside from your figure. Your sense of humor is infectious and probably the weirdest he’s ever seen. The two of you are involved in a lot of the same online communities, Jongdae’s being a little more extreme and exclusive than yours.

So when the topic of memes came up, all of the awkwardness and tension completely dissolved. You both laughed, showing each other memes uglier and more obscure than the last, and soon time began to pass without the two of you really noticing. Soon there’s a knock on your door, signaling the actual work that needed to be done and the reason why the two of you were in the first place. As Jongdae stands up, apologizing profusely for distracting you and exchanging usernames so he could add you later on Reddit, you notice the stain on his khakis. “Oh right. what happened anyway?” you ask, eyes not really leaving his crotch.

He follows your gaze to his khakis - chinos - and huffs,”Fuck, I almost forgot. Long story short, the coffee pot downstairs fucking sucks and we need to buy another one.” As you nod along to his explanation, you stand from your desk and make your way towards another chair in the corner of your office. Now that Jongdae can see you, really see you, he almost pops a chub right there in his fucking khakis. Chinos. Whatever.  Your buttoned shirt neatly tucks into slacks that hug your frame nicely, shaping your figure into something thicker and sexier than Jongdae previously remembers. Your legs, God your legs, go on for miles and miles before they’re met with those tall black heels that bring the entire look together. Weak at the knees, Jongdae can’t help but stare at your curvaceous figure, a familiar feeling stirring in the very pit of his stomach.

You blatantly and unabashedly bend down to grab something out of your purse, pretending to dig around as the Tide To Go pen remains in your hand. After a tension fills the room, varying from the one earlier, you stand up fully and make your way over to Jongdae. You smirk as you catch the very last second of Jongdae’s gaze moving from your ass to your face before holding out the small pen. “Here,” you say as you stare down at the stain,”it’ll get just about anything off.” The two of you stare at each other for a time, not really saying a word as a mutual understanding begins to form. Jongdae takes the pen out of your hand, his own confidence beginning to fade once your professional front fades and turns into something he’s never seen before. Your eyes seem darker as they take him in now, consuming every inch of him as they roam. He loves it though, loves the attention he’s getting from you, loves that your eyes are on him and him only. There’s another insistent knock before the door opens altogether, a frustrated and huffy Sehun appearing in the doorway. “I swear to God, Y/N, if I don’t get noodles immediately I will die.”

After being reunited once again, there are a series of convenient run-ins that you knew for a fact were planned. How did you know? Because you’re the only planning said run-ins, having Sehun make a phone call to Jongdae every single time a computer so much as froze. On the days that Jongdae needed to be called, you made sure to wear your best outfits, to smile especially bright when he looked absolutely exasperated as Sehun pestered him as he worked on Baekhun’s computer, and to make sure that he had the perfect view of you walking away. When Jongdae made trips upstairs to fix computers that 9 times out of 10 weren’t actually broken, he’d see glimpses of your form walking amongst the halls or overhear your voice not too far away. No matter where he is, you’re somehow always close by.

Soon Sehun’s daily annoying calls turn into sort of productive ones. He somehow keeps having computer trouble and specifically asks for Jongdae himself each and every time. At the possibility of seeing you and the threat of a single and possibly fatal phone call to Junmyeon, who would do anything for that annoying twink, Jongdae has to come each and every time. Each and every time Jongdae goes, the “issues” that Sehun has are almost always an easy fix: turning the computer off and on again when it froze, stop downloading malware from weird websites so the computer won’t freeze, stop going on weird websites, stop playing dress up Barbie games on said weird websites, reducing the zoom from 150% to 75%, or simply plugging the desktop into the outlet. With each trip you and Jongdae got closer and closer. From saying a polite hello in the hallways as the two of you passed each other to awkward yet eager small talk to inside jokes and texting. Jongdae, ever determined, returned every hello, talked about the weather for as long as he could, and replied to each and every text in a timely manner. He’d do anything to make you smile, anything to see your ass in slacks and A-lines as you walk away with that sashay in your hips he loves so fucking much.

During this last trip where Sehun literally jammed a Wham! CD into the disk tray of his desktop, the fucker isn’t even there. When Jongdae arrives at his desk, exasperated and tired, he sees you, conveniently leaning against Sehun’s desk and scrolling through your phone. Or at least pretending to. Jongdae walks to the desk, trying and failing to come up with some sort of tsundere vibe that would impress you. All he manages is a squeaky and pathetic,”H-hey.” You already know he’s there, could already feel the tension in his shoulders from a mile away, but smile up at him in surprise anyway.

“Hey! So Sehun had to run out for a second-”

But at the mention of Sehun and his general headassery, the nervousness fades into annoyance.

“He went out for his ‘second’ lunch didn’t he?”

“-....okay, yeah. He should be back by now.”

“He won’t be back for the rest of the day.”

“How do you know?”

“Because it’s Sehun.”

After ripping the CD out of the desktop’s tray, Jongdae takes the time to look at you, really look at you, while you’re rambling about something that happened in the office today. He thinks about how months ago he had absolutely no idea who you really were. You were just an acquaintance, a faded memory for his occasional spank bank, but in the time he’s come to know you, he sees you’re much more than that. The two of you are friends, genuinely friends, and it’s something that Jongdae is incredibly grateful for. Of course he still finds you attractive, but as the two of you got closer, Jongdae realizes that he isn’t just interested in your cup size or the shape of your ass in those yoga pants you wear every single time he comes over for a Futurama marathon. While you go on and on about how Kris made a pass at you, the HR manager, Jongdae makes a reference to the sloth meme that’s been your joke for the past few days just to make you laugh. Of course you laugh, letting out the cutest and ugliest snort he’s ever heard, and that’s when he realizes it. He cares about you. Like, actually cares about you. Some time between hanging back at the office until either of you were done to get drinks after work and him teaching you how to play Magic the Gathering with old friends, he’d developed real actual feelings.

It’s a weird feeling, a weird thing to realize while you’re ugly laughing so loud that most of your office is looking at the two of you, but he kinda likes it. Kinda likes that he likes you. Maybe things weren’t so boring after all. That day Jongdae knew he had to ask you out, but just couldn’t figure out when. He had plenty of opportunities to, but he just couldn’t manage. Any time the two of you texted each other late at night or when you find solace in his coat while the two of you brave the harsh winter weather during your lunch break, or even during sorta cuddling but not really sessions while the two of you watched Firefly, Jongdae had the chance to ask you out but he was never brave enough to. He simply couldn’t gather the courage to do it.

It happens around Christmas Eve. The two of you were the only ones left in the building, save for some Janitorial staff who would also be gone soon, finishing up work that needed to be done before the New Year. With nowhere to go, the two of you decided to spend Christmas together with large cups of egg nog and a back and forth of tragic backstories that revealed the reason why you weren’t spending time with your families. When he walks into your office, Jongdae sees a mostly empty space that’s lost all remnants of you. All that’s left is the desk, a bookshelf, and one of your old chairs. All of the knick knacks and books are gone now, the fading scent of lavender being the only remaining remnant of your time there. You’re sitting in the middle of everything, working hard at your desk, as if none of your things are gone. Jongdae’s mind races to a variety of situations, most pertaining to you leaving and never coming back, so he asks,“Are you leaving?” Even though he doesn’t know the answer to this question, his heart aches something fierce. The idea of you leaving, even if he can just see you outside of work, is upsetting and so devastating that he might truly be upset by it.

You shake your head, finishing up what’s left of the possible report you’re typing, and say,”No. Just moving to the other side of the office. I’m gonna have a temporary cubicle with Sehun. Can you shut that door?” While he’s happy that you’re not leaving, his initial reaction to the possibility reveals feelings that are truly undeniable. Somewhere, in all of this, Jongdae suddenly finds a courage that hasn’t been there for most of the day. The two of you are alone in this god forsaken building at night with no Sehun or other colleagues to intervene. It’s here that Jongdae decides maybe, just maybe, this is the time to confess how he feels. To lay everything out on the table bare for you to see. As the soft click of the closing door echoes throughout the office and you get up briefly to grab your things, everything seems to finalize in that moment. He works up the courage to ask you out, thinking of all the ways you could easily reject him with a pitiful look in your eyes, but he wants to at least try. Just so he’s not left with a heartbreaking “what if” for the rest of his life. Jongdae’s eyes look away as he resigns himself to his fate and says,

”Honestly, Y/N, I’ve liked you for a while. Of course I appreciate our friendship and I understand if you don’t feel the same way, but I was wondering if we could go out some time? We could get dinner or something - I mean I know we do that a lot, but I’ll take you somewhere nice and we can just-”

“Jongdae.”

“-dress up or something. But no pressure seriously! It’s fine I get if you’re not into me. Okay you’re not answering me or giving me any sort of tell so maybe I got the wrong idea. We can just forget all of this and move on. I just-”

“Jongdae.”

“-really hope we can still be friends. We can just go back to normal it’s no big deal. Fuck fuck I shouldn’t have said anything now it’s all awkward.”

“Jongdae!”

Jongdae looks up just in time to see your familiar black dress pool on the floor, your black heels kicking the offending fabric away. His eyes wander from your heels to the expanse of your legs, covered in black stockings, to the straps of your garter belt, barely holding onto the thickness of your thighs, to your lacy thong, up the expanse of your stomach, to your matching bra, and finally to your smirk. Your red lipstick, contrasting deliciously against the rest of your ensemble, makes Jongdae almost fucking lose it. Almost. He can’t pretend anymore or brush off your advances and claim it’s all in his head.

He’s here now with you, staring at the most beautiful person he’s ever seen and popping the biggest chub he’s ever had. You reach out for him, grabbing his limp hand and pulling him towards you, and place his hands on your hips. They tighten instantly, the lace bunching up slightly under his hands. Your smirk widens as you take in Jongdae’s shock, the absolute disbelief in his eyes, and you use that to push him down to the floor until he’s kneeling. Jongdae goes willingly, kneeling down immediately, and looks up at you with all the admiration in the world. You run your fingers through his hair and say,“Merry Christmas, Jongdae.”

Jongdae maintains eye contact with you as he lifts up your leg, leaning briefly to kiss your ankle and places the long limb over his shoulder. He stares at your lace covered center, nearly tasting the heat there, and whispers a soft and unbelievable,”Merry Christmas.”

Now, Jongdae hasn’t eaten pussy in a long time. Not since one of his ex girlfriends told him he was absolute shit at it. No matter how much he tried, she’d never fail to put him down and refused to tell him how to improve in any way. She was a bitch anyway, but it always left an impression on him. There’s something about your gaze though, as you look down at him, that makes him squirm with a feeling of complete and total helplessness. As your eyes watch him kiss at your thighs and generally put off what he could only assume is the main event, Jongdae feels a sense of guidance. A sort of safety net that ensures him that you’ll be there to put him back in line if he messes up. That you’ll tell him exactly what he needs to do and how he needs to do it. For some reason there’s a lot of comfort in that fact, comfort that he hasn’t felt in a long time.

There’s a sharp pain in his back that makes him wince. He arches away from it, only for the sharp to grow harsher as it twists. The firmness of it helps him realize that it’s the very edge of your heel digging into his back. “Don’t tease me,” you warn. It’s not a statement or a suggestion. It’s a command, a rule that leaves no space for breaking. So he leans in tentatively and gives little kitten licks, eyes closing as he focuses all his attention on you. You don’t moan or arch your back right away, but you do run your fingers through his blonde tresses again. He can feel your eyes on him, watching him as his licks get bolder and longer against your core. But Jongdae starts getting insecure, starts shrinking away and thinking that maybe he should just end this before it all goes to hell, but you pull him back by his hair to cup his cheek. “It’s okay, baby boy,” you smile, a complete 180 from before.

With renewed confidence, the IT manager gives it one more try. He gives you short kitten licks, nibbling and mouthing at your folds when he gets a little more comfortable. Jongdae’s licks make their way to your clit, honing in when you moan for the first time since you two started this whole thing. From what he can tell, your moans are precious and only delved out when he’s doing a good enough job to pleasure you. So he eagerly continues, trying all types of tricks with his tongue to pull more moans out of you. A handful of them work pretty well so Jongdae performs them again and again in different ways with the same level of incredible excitement. You end up riding his face anyway, grinding against his tongue with a fervor that he can barely keep up with. Your body begins shuddering from the sensations as you cum once and then twice on his tongue. Jongdae, always willing to prove himself, licks up your orgasm and lets out a moan of his own. He sucks at your clit now, letting it go to roll his tongue over the swollen nub, and starts palming himself in his slacks. He never thought he’d be doing this. Never thought he could be eating you out on your desk and getting off to it, getting off on all of it. Just when a hot pressure builds in his tummy, tight and sweet, the very tip of your heel digs into his back again. “Don’t you fucking cum, you pervert.”

The pain alone is enough to push Jongdae over the edge, but he somehow manages to get himself together. He lets go of the tent in his slacks and looks at you, waiting for your next move. You remove your leg from his shoulder with a little bit of help and lean against your desk again with your legs spread and Jongdae helplessly in between them. You cup his cheek briefly, letting a manicured finger brush his lower lip and ask, “Are you being a good boy, Jongdae?”

Now Jongdae’s never really been into bdsm or kink or anything weird like that. He’s never considered anything passed the occasional visit of pink fluffy handcuffs on especially exciting days or spanking. He hasn’t been that kind of guy or at least he never thought he would be. Until now. You towering over him and making him feel small and weak, pathetic even, is the most sexual excitement he’s had in a long time. So now as you hover a heel over the tent in his slacks and frown down at him, Jongdae can’t help but shudder at your appearance as you demand an answer. “Y-yes,” is all he says,”I’m being a good boy.” But that isn’t the right answer. Your heel makes contact with his cock, firm enough to give pleasure but light enough where Jongdae can say it’s too much and push away. He wants to do anything but that. When he doesn’t relent or get up to leave, you press your heel down harder with a lot less room than before. Jongdae cries out, shuddering and closing his eyes tight as he goes. The wet patch forming on his grey slacks where your heel used to be is the only tell of what happened without your permission. His cheeks redden with guilt as a flush slowly makes its way from his face to his neck. The guilt and shame is overwhelming. After dreaming about this moment for months, about seeing you like this and doing anything sexually, how could he fuck up this bad? How could he cum in his pants from that?

You grab him by his hair and pull tight tight tight and Jongdae can only brace himself on your thighs as he gathers his bearings. He feels so sloppy, mussed up hair and tie in a disarray, and dirty, face still covered in your orgasm and softening cock encased in cum stained boxers. Although you’re furious with him, clearly more disappointed than Jongdae is, in the tightness of your hold his cock twitches and bobs for more. He needs more, absolutely needs to see how far the two of you can go with whatever this is, but it won’t happen unless you’re on board too. “You’re a naughty boy, Jongdae. Maybe I should just head home alone if you’re not gonna take this seriously.” Fuck. Jongdae desperately wants to fix this, desperately wants to make you proud of him again, but he just doesn’t know how. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I want it,” he tries as he looks into your slowly approving eyes,”I wanna be a good boy.” You like that answer enough to let him go, but you’re still very disappointed. You release your grip from his hair and take the time to look over your manicured nails and ignore Jongdae entirely. He takes your threat very seriously, your disinterest making it clear that he still has a chance of changing your mind.

“Please, Y/N, please-”

“Mistress.”

“What?”

You don’t repeat yourself and Jongdae’s left trying to figure out what it means in his post orgasmic haze. Then it clicks. “Mistress, please. I’ll do better next time, I promise.”

“Top shelf, towards the back.” Jongdae scrambles, genuinely scrambles, over to your bookshelf towards the door to grab a small foil from the very back of the top shelf. Just how long were you planning this? He tears the small package with his teeth and rolls the lubricated condom onto his cock. When he turns around to face you once again, you’re bent over your desk and looking over your shoulder. Jongdae stares at you for a time, wondering how on earth he got so damn lucky. He’s not quick enough, not taking advantage of this beautiful opportunity, because you say,“If you don’t make me cum, I’ll find someone who will.” Before he realizes it, his legs are moving on their own. Jongdae pulls down your thong, groaning when he has to use a little more force to get it passed your thighs, and pumps at his cock. You wiggle your ass just enough to get him going, but stop when he begins to line up his cock.

The mushroom head presses against your entrance, slowly but surely pushing until Jongdae is entirely sheathed. He’s not huge, but you can still feel him pulsing away. You’re full enough and that’s what matters. Jongdae slowly thrusts, getting used to the tight hot heat, and trying desperately not to cum so soon. He’s only had his hand for the passed few months and no matter how good his hand is, nothing compares to the real thing. You’re impatient though and don’t really care what’s going on with Jongdae. It’s not that you want him to fuck up again, but that’s exactly what you want. The opportunity to punish him, to further humiliate him, is something that you look forward to. There’s no way you’re letting him go after tonight, absolutely no way.

You reach behind you and pinch his thigh, giggling at the unabashed resulting moan he lets out. “Pain slut,” you coo as his hips stutter. The pinch works. Jongdae’s hips move faster and deeper, a concentration going as he focuses on making you feel good. You hold onto your desk and rock your hips to meet his, moaning aloud as Jongdae focuses all of his attention on you. His cock rubs against your walls, slipping out briefly due to his excitement before finding its way back inside of you with a helpful hand. This pace continues, growing more and more brutal as your moans grow louder and uncontrolled. Jongdae moans along with you, at the very feeling of you clamping down on his cock as you cum for the first time. He chases that feeling, angling his hips to hit your g-spot on every single thrust. Your moans ring throughout the office now, along with the sound of skin slapping skin. While you love that Jongdae’s absolutely rocking your world, you want to have even more fun. You bring your hand back once more to pinch and twist Jongdae’s thigh. His hips stutter again as he hisses and cries out, but continues regardless of the newfound pleasurable pain.

“Mistress,” he pants,”I can’t...I can’t do it. Please let me cum.” You’ve got him right where you want him. You smirk as you rock your hips against him and say,”I don’t know, baby. I haven’t cum yet.” Jongdae whines because he knows you’re lying. He’s felt you cum a few times already, your heat gripping his cock viciously while your body jerked and cried out, but now you’re lying.

In the heat of it all, you manage to push Jongdae away from you slightly so that you can sit up without being connected to him. You turn around to face him before sitting on the edge of the desk once again and spreading your legs. You take the time to look at him, really look at him, and smile with something like adoration as you take in his flushed form. Jongdae stands there, unsure but willing, as he looks at you in return. His hand finds his cock, swollen with need, but refuses to stroke as if he’s afraid of disobeying you. Even though he’s only just got into kink and bdsm and the like, he’s surprisingly obedient. “Do you wanna make Mistress feel good?”

Jongdae nods feverently, refusing to move neither his hand nor himself, and waits calmly for you to call him over. You stare at him for a time as his resolve cracks and breaks, whining and pleading tumbling from his swollen lips, “Please, Mistress, please. I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything you want.” In that moment, with his eyes tearing and voice watering, Jongdae is capable of doing just about anything to get what he wants. But it’s Christmas and this weird holiday confession turned into something Jongdae wasn’t at all expecting. So you motion him over, call him a good boy as he slides back into you, and run a hand through his hair as his hips start again. Giving him what he wants does nothing to calm the whines down, Jongdae’s whines get louder if anything as he nears his release. The noises he makes is enough to make you cum again as the need to take care of Jongdae fills you. “You’re doing so well, baby,” you promise, moaning yourself when he brushes against that special spot inside you again,”You’re such a good boy right? Always a good boy.” “A-always a good boy,” he whimpers back at you,”I wanna be your good boy.”

While the feeling of Jongdae grinding against you is enough to make you cum a thousand times over, it’s time to end all of this. You don’t want him dropping in your old office without even really knowing what dropping is. “Cum, baby.” The hand in his hair, the nurturing voice, the wet friction of your pussy sucking him in, it’s too much. With another “good boy” kissed into his mouth, Jongdae cums in the condom. Cums for the second time that night and the hardest time in his entire life.

Aftercare is had on Christmas at your loft downtown after a 15 minute taxi drive. Jongdae is held and cherished and asked questions about what he liked and didn’t like about the night. He liked everything, loved everything, and insisted that the two of you do it again as soon as possible. You promise him a nice date on the day after Christmas with steamed buns. For now, Jongdae is fine with Futurama marathons on Christmas with stew and beer.  Jongdae relishes this promise and all of the warm things to come while spooning you especially close that night.

But little does he know that none of these things would come to pass. You wouldn’t get to go on that date you promised. The two of you wouldn’t talk for a time. Sehun’s phone calls would stop coming in abruptly and soon you would be barely around for Jongdae to talk to. The next time Jongdae would see you, truly see you, was when you were with an old friend of his who just started working at the office.

[akar0ku]

Right now I’m working on a 100 theme challenge and a 30 kink meme, both for Radiata Stories. The first one I’m trying to get a variety of stuff and am trying to stock pile about 25 fics at a time before posting them over a 25 day period. The kink meme is just for fun and to give me a break since I’m not taking it to seriously. It’s also 100% self serving sooooo I’m just gonna dump a bunch of smut for my favorite character everywhere. If you haven’t guessed this is a part of the kink meme.

p.s. I’m seeing if I like posting the whole story to tumblr better than just sharing the AO3 link. Here’s the AO3 version if that’s easier.

Prompt 1: Cuddling

Summery: Jarvis and Jack find navigating the aftermath of a hook up to be both awkward and a little more guilt ridden then they thought.

Warning: Implied underaged sex, also I did a poor job following the prompt. Cuddling is literally the only one I had a hard time making a plot for, go figure.

Now he’d really done it. Of all the stupid things he had done in his life, in all the ways he had inadvertently fucked himself over, this really took the cake.

“You gonna be okay there?”

No, he wasn’t going to be able to talk his way out of this one. As soon as tomorrow hit, everyone would know. The kid would realize how messed up this was and tell everyone they worked with. Hell he’d probably go running to the castle guards over what happened.

“Um, Sarge?”

His life was over now. They’d throw him in the dungeons and leave him there to rot for eternity. He’d forever be known to the world as a degenerate and a pervert. People would tell stories of him to their young ones, of how his wandering soul would abduct them into the night if they didn’t behave.

“So like, is the massive panic attack a common thing for old people after getting laid or is this just a you thing?”

“Aw, can it will you! You have no idea what kind of a predicament this puts me in!” Jarvis hissed as he rolled over to face his bed mate. A huge mistake when he was met with the sight of a young lean naked boy; laying on his side and propping his head up on an open palm, the blanket barely draped across his waist, and large innocent brown eyes staring at him like he was a chore...well the boy wasn’t so innocent anymore, no thanks to him.

“Right, should have guessed it was a you thing. What’s the problem? You seemed into this a few hours ago.”

“How do you NOT see the problem?! I’m twice your age. I just deflowered a damn child.”

“Last I checked I was legally an adult. Also don’t say deflower, I’m not some virgin maiden from a story book.” Jack argued, pouting in response to the older man’s choice of words.

“Well you certainly weren’t experienced by any means.” Jarvis couldn’t help scoffing. He took a small amount of satisfaction in how Jack’s face practically glowed red in the dim light.

“Still doesn’t change that I’m an adult…”

“Hardly!”

“Hey I’m trying to help you feel better!”

“Fine! So maybe I’m not going to jail but people are still going to give me dirty looks. Plus I’ll lose my job now. You’re still my subordinate remember.”

“You’re saying that like we have to tell everyone.” It was probably the most observant thing Jack had said since they met. The thought honestly hadn’t even occurred to him.

“You’re not going to tell anyone or make some story about how I forced you into this?”

“No, why would I want to? Even if I did, who would ever believe that you could MAKE me do anything.” The look on Jack’s face was a mixture of confused, annoyed, and blissfully ignorant. The kid had no clue how precarious the situation was or how easily he could screw him over. Though despite their bickering, Jack had never proven to be the malicious type, not to his coworkers at the very least.

“Don’t paint your flagrant disobedience as a positive quality.” Jarvis huffed. Contrary to the scolding nature of his words he was very clearly relieved.

“Whatever, so what do we do now?”

That was a good question. Typically the people Jarvis brought home left not long after the fact, or if they did end up staying he had no perception of it, usually winding up passed out and waking up long after they had gone. He realized with some degree of embarrassment that this is the first sober hook up he’s had in a long time. Digressing, the sun wasn’t fully set yet so it was kind of early for them to go to sleep. Kicking the kid out seemed a bit crass and cold hearted though.

“Dunno, what do you wanna do?” He supposed he’d just roll with whatever the kid wanted. A part of him wanted Jack to stay...but the thought of vocalizing that felt awkward and needy.

He watched as Jack averted his gaze and stared upwards towards the head of the bed. The look of uncertainty was alien on his usually confident face but clearly showed that the boy did indeed have an idea of what he wanted but was struggling to spit it out. Eventually the boy moved to crawl across the short space separating them. He nuzzled his face into the older man’s bare chest, wrapping one arm around his torso and struggling for a moment to find a place for the other before settling on leaving it awkwardly curled between them.

Despite being well toned, the boy’s body felt oddly small and out of place against him. It’s not the filled out body of a fully grown man yet but he can't really compare it to the feeling of a woman either. His stomach churns when he remembers it's the build of a child, just entering into the realm of adulthood. He knows Jack is of age and is certain he won’t say anything, but he wonders if his conscience can handle keeping this between them. He hasn’t always made the best choices in life, but he wanted to believe he wasn’t so unscrupulous.

“Please stop it with the moral crisis. It’s making you tense up and I’m never going to get to sleep with you making things so heavy.”

...On second thought, why exactly was he feeling so bad about what he’d done to this brat? Whatever, if the kid was going to act so cocky and like he was doing him a favor by staying then he was going to reap what he wanted from this while he could.

He grabs a hold of Jack and rolls onto his back, bringing the younger man with him so he's laying against his chest and straddling his waist. The indignant yelp from the brunette is worth a good laugh and for the moment he’s almost completely forgotten about the guilt he had been struggling with moments ago.

“What? You ready for round two already?” Jack's tone is intended to be snarky but the red flush across his face and the slight waver in his voice clearly betrayed the mix of excitement and nerves he was trying to cover up.

“Tsk, I wish.” As if to mock him, his still overly sensitive cock gives a sad and painful twitch. “I’m not young enough to go at it so soon. You’re just going to have to settle with cuddling.”

“Didn’t think you were such a cuddle bug, Sarge.”

Jarvis knows his face is burning red at the accusation and he covers it with his free hand to hide the fact from the snickering teen. It doesn’t help either that the brat keeps referring to him in that casual honorific.

“Yeah, well I never knew you were such a pervert.” He says to draw attention to the the obvious erection he can feel twitching against his stomach. Wait the kid was seriously ready to go another round? Jeez, if only he were about a decade younger.

Jack’s laughter stops rather abruptly and when Jarvis pulls his hand away to look, he sees Jack’s face burning equally as hot. The flush is clearly not from embarrassment though, he can recognize the look Jack makes when he’s thinking hard on something from a mile away.

“You know…” Jack starts, pushing himself up with his hands against Jarvis’ chest and smirking down at him in a way that Jarvis can only guess is intended to be sultry. “I could always...I dunno, be the one...to...” Jack doesn’t need to finish the sentence for Jarvis to catch on to what he’s trying to ask. The rapid shift from cheeky confidence, to apprehension, and finally sheepish uncertainty makes it even clearer. Jarvis can’t help the patronizing smirk pulling at his lips or the laughter bubbling up from his chest.

“Hey! Stop laughing.”

Jarvis’ barely contained snorts escalated into full on laughter the moment he’s been called out. A part of him feels bad, the boy’s face is so red, he’s surprised his head hasn’t blown up and he could already feel the new erection wilting fast against his stomach. He really shouldn’t be laughing at the fumbling of a sexually awakened teen...but it was just too funny.

Now rife with embarrassment, Jack sunk back down until he was laying flat again. He glared off to the side, a pout on his face and his chin resting against the other man’s still heaving chest. The first thought that came to Jarvis’ mind was that of angered puppy that just had its ball taken away. He had to admit, it was kinda cute and fitting to the boys temperament.

“Nice try,” he ruffled the teens hair with a bit more force than was necessary, earning a disgruntled groan. “But no.”

Jarvis didn’t pay much mind to the younger's continued pouting and settled back into the mattress, keeping one arm firmly wrapped around Jack’s waist while throwing the other up over his head. He busies himself with tracing formless shapes into the younger's back, finding it oddly hypnotic to the point that he’s starting to doze off.

Jack must have found something soothing in the action as well, eventually easing out of whatever indignation he was feeling. He shifting so his cheek was pressed against Jarvis’ collarbone and hooked his arms underneath his shoulders.

Jarvis closed his eyes and savored the intimacy as he started to drift off.

“Hey…” Jack’s voice brought him back from the edges of sleep, making him hum in mild annoyance. “You’re not uncomfortable like this?” He shook his head ‘no’ in reply. If he were honest, he kinda liked the reassuring pressure of another person's weight pressing into him.

“Kay…” A long pause stretched on before Jack admitted with a slightly nervous chuckle. “This is kinda nice, actually.”

Jarvis snorted in amusement. He brought his free hand back down and affectionately combed his fingers thought messy brown hair. The action seemed to elicit a different response then expected though, bringing a sad sigh from Jack’s lungs.

“You still regret doing this?” Now that was a question that had some weight to it. Enough to fully jar the older of the two out of the half asleep state he was in. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, struggling to figure out exactly what to say. Here he had been feeling sorry for himself and worrying about the repercussions of his actions, he hadn’t really thought of how Jack could interpret that on his end. It hadn’t occurred to him that maybe Jack was looking for him to show some sign that this was something he had wanted as well.

Did he really regret what he had done? He thinks back on all the times he had caught himself staring for a little too long. The occasions where he felt confusingly overjoyed and shamefully embarrassed to the point of anger when the young corporal would occasionally drag him home when he’d had a few too many. All the moments he’s denied that maybe he felt something a little more than just distaste or at the very least amicable annoyance towards Jack. He’s pretty sure there’s substantial enough evidence to prove he’d do it again if presented with the situation all over. Maybe it’s about time he actually started looking into the nature of whatever attachment he’s been feeling lately. At the very least he needs to admit he’s physically attracted.

“I just feel bad I was your first. You honestly could have done better.” It’s not until he speaks it that it fully dawns on him what had make him so upset earlier. He’s sure if Jack had been more promiscuous by this point he may not feel as torn about the situation.

“Is that really it?” Jack looks both relieved and incredulous. “I already told you, I can make my own choices. So stop feeling bad.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Jarvis chided, not fully convinced that Jack wouldn’t change his opinion sometime down the line. “I suppose there’s nothing to be done about it now. Just do me a favor and remember how adamant you were about making your own choices before you decide to report me down the line okay.”

“Stop saying that!” Jack pushes himself back up again, this time glaring down at Jarvis with that angry puppy expression again. Again Jarvis feels laughter bubbling up from deep in his chest. God, when did he have such a soft spot for the kid. Must be some post sex magic heightening the already dubious attraction he’s been harboring.

“Just get back down here and shut up already. You're so needy.” He doesn’t really want to get too involved in the topic at the moment. He’s tired and all he really wants is to bask in the warmth of post-coital intimacy before he winds up falling too far into a guilt trip again.

“How is that being needy? Plus you're the one smothering me right now!” Jack fought against the arms pressing down into his back, but the effort was fruitless as he was simply squashed down into the other man’s chest. The only thing Jack could do at that point was glare and stick his tongue out, an action reciprocated by the second of the pair.

“See, now who’s acting like a kid.” Jack mumbled, almost getting cut off with a stifled yawn.

Jarvis doesn’t even bother with a rebuttal, instead running a hand through Jack’s messy hair, down the length of his back, and repeating the process as if the boy were little more than a tired pet. He watched as Jack struggled to keep his eyes open before eventually succumbing to his fatigue and finally drifting off.

It’s a sweet sight. One that does little to assuage the guilt that’s fighting to rear its head again. He tries with all his might to swallow it back down and has some success. But he can’t get over the fact that this was the boy’s first experience. He’d forever look back on this and even though he’s okay now, there’s little doubt Jack would eventually regret it. There’s nothing special to be had here, just a casual hook up and nothing more. Regardless of what happens further down the line, this instance was driven by little more than lust.

“Too tight.” He hears Jack mumble in his sleep and he realizes he’s stopped petting the sleeping brunette and has been clutching him to his body far too tightly to be comfortable. He eases up on the pressure but doesn’t release his hold. Again he focused on the pleasant feeling of being intimately close with someone, on how warm Jack’s body is, the gentle pressure of his chest expanding as he breathed, the tickle of unruly hair against his neck and face.

It seems to work for the time being. At least well enough that he can start feeling the fog of drowsiness overtaking him again. He supposes he’ll worry about it tomorrow instead, there’s not much he can really do about it now anyway.

[pushspacetocontinue]

Russell Tolbert TV Tropes

Below the read more (because it is a long long list) are a list of TV Tropes (because I love them) that apply to Russell. There is a list for his main verse, Gemsona/SU Verse, his TF2 Verse, and his Superhero verse (the rest haven’t had much of a chance to be used) and I plan to add more of them as I find them, along with the ones for AUs. 

So if you decided to read them, click on and enjoy. Trigger warning for mentions of abusive parents, alcohol addiction and a suicide attempt below.

Normal Verse TV Tropes

Abusive Parents: His Mother, Cassandra. He and his brothers were all victims of her abusive behaviour. While her favourite thing to do was verbally and emotionally hurt then via humiliation, degradation, and manipulation, she wasn’t afraid to get physical with them either. She was also neglectful and dismissive, leaving her oldest sons to look after the others while she did whatever she wanted. Thankfully, his Father, Jean-Luc, is none of these things.

Adorkable: Loyal? Check. Shy? Check. Kind? Check. An absolute nerd when it comes to videogames, space, and drumming? Check. 

Affluent Ascetic: Lives in a modest but nice apartment with basic furniture and a few luxuries despite having the money for more. His reason being is that he’s perfectly happy with what he has already. 

Animal Motifs: Moths and Butterflies. 

Apologises a Lot: Part of him being an Extreme Doormat. 

The Baby of the Bunch: He has seven brothers, and they’re all older. 

Bad Dreams: He has them often, usually after something particularly distressing or painful. 

Befriending the Enemy: Usually his first option. If that doesn’t work and the enemy isn’t backing down, then the switch-blade comes out. 

Beware the Nice Ones: Will not hesitate to jump in and protect someone he cares about, even if it means kicking ass. 

Bookworm: Books and games were his biggest forms of escapism when he was a child. He’s carried his love for both into his adulthood. 

Bungled Suicide: Also combined with Interrupted Suicide. He tried to die but was too drunk to make himself bleed out quickly, which gave Gertrude enough time to find him and call an ambulance to save him.

- This led to a Happily Failed Suicide, where he had managed to start turning his life around since the attempt and making positive changes. He’s not where he wants to be yet, but he’s doing better than he was.

Character Tics: He laughs awkwardly when he’s nervous or embarrassed about something. 

Chronic Hero Syndrome: He admits that he just cannot leave someone in need behind.

Cool Uncle: Viewed as such by his eldest niece, Gracie. 

Combat Pragmatist: He’s not strong, but tries to make up for this by using speed and agility, fighting dirty, and thinking quickly. He’ll go for the eyes, crotch and neck if he has to. 

Cowardly Lion: He’s shy, socially awkward, insecure, and tries to avoid conflict whenever possible, but when it comes to protecting his friends or defending himself, then he’ll jump straight in. 

Disappeared Dad: For most of his childhood and teen years, although not his father’s fault. Thankfully, they’ve since reunited. 

Extreme Doormat: Something that he needs to change.

Friends Are Chosen, Family Aren’t: While reconnecting with his living brothers again, he still chose new people as his family after his mother disowned and vowed to kill him if she saw him again, and cares for him like they’re his siblings too. 

Guilty Pleasure: Nintendo games (particularly Pokemon and Yokai Watch). While his colleagues at the cafe like them too, he still feels a little bit embarrassed about it. 

Hair of Gold, Heart of Gold: A man who tries to be good and decent to those around him. His sandy/straw-coloured locks fit the bill. 

I Am Not my Mother: Partially why he does his best to be the good man that he is; he refuses to continue any pain or suffering his Mother caused him and his brothers, especially now that she’s gone.

The Insomniac: Has trouble falling asleep and then staying asleep if he does. 

Le Parkour: One of his main hobbies and skills, having kept up the practice for years. 

Massive Numbered Siblings: Lived with his seven older brothers and mother in the same house until they started moving out. 

Musician: A drummer for a (mostly) Electro Swing band known as Midnight Swarm. 

Must Have Caffeine: He honestly has no idea what he would do without coffee or other such caffeinated substances. 

Near-Death Experience: Has experienced a few of these in his life time. The most serious left him unconscious in hospital for two days, and needing time to recover after he woke up. 

Never Speak Ill of the Dead: A mild example. When people find out his mother died, he tries to downplay it simply by telling them ‘she wasn’t a good woman’ and leaving it at that.

Platonic Life Partners: With his dear friend, Pari Vass. 

Plays Games at Work: Plays on his 3DS or Switch when it’s slow at the cafe. 

Pungeon Master: He admits that he really likes puns a little bit too much for his good. 

Rage Breaking Point: How his anger presents itself. He holds it back and if it doesn’t get vented out, one more straw will eventually break the metaphorical camel’s back. There are warning signs though, such as increased irritability. He inherited this from his mother. 

Recovered Addict: Used to drink alcohol to excess. He has since stopped and has been clean just over a year and a half.

Right Hand Cat: A non-villainous example in Misty, who he inherited from his previous landlady, Gertrude. 

Secretly Wealthy: Thanks to a very large inheritance he received from his late landlady, Gertrude. He doesn’t like to flaunt it for fear of attracting the wrong kind of attention. That doesn’t stop from making regular anonymous donations to crowdfunding sites, charity organisations and from paying for other people whenever he can. 

Self-Deprecation: Guilty of doing this a lot. 

Sir Swears-a-Lot: Having a bunch of sailor-mouthed older brothers and a foul-mouthed mother has had this effect on him. He swears even in his casual speech, although he does rein it in when around  kids or the elderly. 

Speech Impediment: He has a noticeable stammer. He has got it somewhat under control thanks to spending a lot of time practising his talking, but it still comes out on occasion. 

Stage Names: When he’s drumming for the band, he’s Luna Moth. 

Straight Gay: Is attracted to other men, but has been mistaken for straight or asexual on several occasions. 

Weak but Skilled: Is fast, agile and knows how to move. But he can easily be taken down if he makes one wrong step. 

Unfazed Everyman: Has met multiple supernatural beings, monsters, or otherwise odd people, but has already learnt to accept their presence.

Why did it Have to be Snakes?: He’s absolutely terrified of the ocean. 

TF2 Verse TV Tropes

Breaking the Fourth Wall: Has done this a few times now. It seems to be a Scout thing.

Double Jump: A Scout standard. 

Death is a slap on a Wrist: He respawns when he dies, making any kind of death this. That said, he tries to avoid it whenever possible. 

Eaten Alive: Has been a victim of this twice now. He respawned both times, but he’s been left with a deep aversion to that kind of death. 

Fish out of Temporal Water: A very mild example. He was killed and remained dead and stuck in respawn for two years. When he came out, it felt like no time had passed, leaving him very surprised to see that he really had been gone for an extended period. However, he quickly became used to the idea and accepted it. If anything, he was glad for having more movies, books, and music to catch up on. 

Fragile Speedster: Once again, a Scout standard.

Friendly Enemy: Is this to REDs when off the clock (see Punch-Clock villain below.)   

Never Hurt an Innocent: He won’t attack civilians unless absolutely necessary, and even then, he does his best not to use lethal force.

Nothing Personal: How he views his job. 

Older than they Look: While this happens in his normal verse, it happens a lot more in the TF2 Verse. He’s often mistaken for a newbie, or someone way too young to be fighting.

Only in it for Money: Why he chose to work a job killing people in an endless war in the first place. That, and getting away from his mother.

Punch-Clock Villain: Is this to the REDs. Once battles are done, he treats them like any other person; with decency and respect. 

Railroad Tracks of Doom: How he was killed and spent two years in respawn.

Stereotype Flip: Scouts are often viewed as being loud mouthed, arrogant, and bratty. He is none of those things, not even in battle. This has surprised many a merc. 

Why did it have to be Snakes: Due to a previous medic’s experiments, he has been left terrified of snakes and spiders. He’s also very afraid of being eaten, having been swallowed alive before and finding it less than pleasant.

Super Hero/ Luna Moth Tropes: 

Lunacy: The night sky, particular the moon and the stars, bring out his full abilities. While he can still fight and use his abilities during the day, his performance suffers greatly. 

Mutant: How he feels it’s the best way to describe him, due to his zombie-like traits, he way he makes no noise (no rustling of clothing or a voice), and millions of stars can be seen beyond his pupils. That said, he uses his powers for good. 

Revenant Zombie: He spent a year ‘pupating’ when his mutation occurred. He was considered dead when it happened and even now, he doesn’t need to breath, eat, or sleep. He doesn’t even have a heartbeat or bleed. However, he does feel pain, he can become injured, and become fatigued. He theorises that whatever developed in his corpse happens to possess his memories and has yet to develop any consciousness if it even has one.

Rise From your Grave: The first thing he did after he first revived as the mutant he is now was claw out of the hole he was buried in. 

The Speechless: Due to his inability to make any noise, this also affects his ability to talk. He communicates via sign language, text, typing, and a special device that reads his brain waves in his base.

Star Power: In addition to his enhanced speed, agility, and stamina, the easiest way to describe his powers is ‘summoning pieces of the night sky from within and shaping them into whatever he chooses’. 

The Stoic: Comes across as this due to his emotions being severely numbed since his resurrection into Luna Moth. 

Uncanny Valley: Has invoked in a few people if they hang around him for too long without knowing what he really is. So he tries not to get too close to them.

Gemsona/ SU Verse Tropes: 

Alas, poor Villain: Feels this for Pink Diamond. He wishes she hadn’t been shattered and that things hadn’t gone as far as they had. 

Amazing Technicolour Population: A standard among gems like him. His especially so due to being a Bornite. 

Because You Were Nice to Me: Pretty much the main reason he defected to Rose Quart’s side. After the other gems believing he was flawed and treating him as such, he exchanged Rose Quart’s acceptance for his services. 

Desperately Looking for a Purpose in Life: He was originally dismissed by the Crystal Gems, who told him they would call him if his services were needed by them again. He still feels lost even now, despite trying to fill his life with different drives. 

Dual Tonfas: Has a pair of bladed ones that his Energy Bow (see below) turns into when he ends up in a situation that necessitates close combat. 

Energy Bow: The weapon of choice he summons from his gem, the arrows are made of Hard Light and infinite. However, he needs to take time to concentrate on ‘reloading’. It splits into Dual Tonfas (see above) for close combat situations. 

Inside Job: Before the shattering, some of his jobs were to pretend he was still on the side of Homeworld and give false messages. 

Martial Pacifist: Since the shattering of Pink Diamond, he refuses to raise his weapons unless absolutely necessary. However, despite all the years he’s been dodging combat, he still has some prowess and will fight if he has to. 

Really 700 Years Old: While he vaguely looks like a young human male, he’s just over 6000 years old. And it shows.

Sure, Let’s Go With That: Early humans who happened to meet him often assumed he was a fairy or other magical creature due to magic being widely believed in. He just went along with it. The same thing happened when people assumed he had a strange skin condition, which is now the excuse he often gives. 

Super Speed: Was designed to be fast and agile, so that he could deliver items and messages as fast and efficiently as possible. 

Trade Mark Favourite Food: Even though he doesn’t need to eat, he does enjoy coffee and noodles, although not at the same time. 

Video Game Dashing: Has the ability to ‘dash’ in a burst of speed in the air or on the ground. This ability even works on the surface of water.

Wall Crawl: Has the ability to do this, most likely to get past as many obstacles as possible while on messenger missions. 

We Are as Mayflies: Makes this observation a lot, about how humans and other organic Earth species live such short lives. He finds it endearing that they still make the best of the time they have.

[cosmosogler]

ok so i gotta get up at like 6:45 tomorrow morning, so i’m writing in early. 

i’m very tired but i had a VERY PRODUCTIVE DAY!!! my head hurts very badly. the doctor ran some lung tests and stuff and said that my breathing trouble is almost definitely a muscle problem, given that my entire back is sore to the touch. along with my neck and shoulders down to the bottoms of my ribs. like i think there was one spot she poked that didn’t extremely hurt. 

so i gotta get some physical therapy. i quibbled about prices for a while and got really frustrated that the financial person in the infirmary did not know how the school-provided insurance worked with regards to covering a referral within the infirmary departments. then i went down to the office and worked and worked and worked and then i went to club and did some critiques. i went home and finished a page of the scene and did all my chores and finished my bookkeeping project and wrote a synopsis of my story. raul suggested it. so i’ve got a rough script for a 10-minute presentation now. raul is going to go over it with me on thursday and see if it needs any changes but i don’t anticipate too many. might have to change around the plot summary since i only introduce blue and nas. i’ll post it under the cut if you guys wanna read. if not, this is the end of my post for the day. too tired, my back hurts too much to keep typing.

Filling the void

 My comic ‘filling the void’ is a fanfiction based on the Mario spinoff game ‘super paper mario’ for the wii. It follows the life of the villain, who calls himself count bleck. No one else calls him that. He is joined by four others over the course of the story- nastasia the vampire secretary, o’chunks the grizzled war veteran, dimentio the spooky jester, and mimi the baby shapeshifter.

-

              The count’s actual name is blumiere. I think it’s three syllables. He started off life as a member of the tribe of darkness, which is a race of floating blue monster people. When we first meet him he’s in the aftermath of a suicide attempt, in which a girl named timpani found him at the bottom of a cliff and has dragged him to her home. They start seeing each other regularly, and over time timpani decides to shorten blumiere’s name to blue. blue’s life is ruled by prophecies and magic. He shares with timpani that he’s fated to destroy all the humans in the world and timpani tells him he should only do what he wants. They dodge threats from blue’s father and eventually blue decides that he and timpani should leave their world and find a safer one to live in. timpani has always wanted to travel and is enthusiastic about the plan.

              Blue is in the process of preparing to leave when his father sends timpani somewhere else. This sends blue spiraling into a violent depression. After a fight when his father discovers that blue is still planning to leave and find timpani, blue decides to open a book of dark prophecies called the dark prognosticus. The book tells him his name is count bleck, and he will kill his father and then destroy the world. it shows him shortcuts and glitches in his world that will allow him to destroy it before he can stop and have second thoughts.

              Destroying his world rips open a hole in spacetime called the void. Blue flees the scene and begins his search for timpani alone and with no survival skills, only the book.

              Nastasia is from a colony of vampires all working under one boss. She was killed and turned undead when she was a small child. vampires grow until they reach adulthood and then stop, so she was raised in the meantime by her fellow slaves. Most vampires have one super power, and nastasia’s is hypnosis, a rare power that puts her at a high rank in her colony. One night her colony is attacked, and in a desperate bid to save her and a few others, she’s sent away from the castle, which is when she is saved by blue.

              Acting out of self-preservation and a developing crush, nastasia immediately pledges her life to the sick and injured stranger. They travel together for a while and become close friends, which is when blue confides in nastasia that the book has shown him that he’s fated to destroy the universe. Shortly afterward, his mental illness abruptly becomes completely unmanageable. Unable to keep track of time, remember where he is, or recognize nastasia, and unable to recall any details about his life, blue eventually becomes unable to interact with the world around him in any meaningful way and has to depend on the prognosticus to tell him everything he has to say and do.

-

              The title ‘filling the void’ refers to two voids. For people who have not played the game- the plot is that a monster called count bleck has summoned an object called the ‘chaos’ heart and ripped open a void in the sky that will shred the entire universe. The only way to stop the destruction of all the worlds is to collect a bunch of ‘pure’ hearts and kill him. Mario is joined by a fairy called tippi as a sidekick, along with peach, bowser, and eventually the weeg himself. The count has convinced some minions to join him with the promise that they are building a perfect world without evil in place of the destroyed universe. When they find out the truth they take it pretty surprisingly well, all things considered. my comic follows the earliest chronological cutscene in the game to a few days after the game’s events, with the large majority spent in a time period the game does not cover except for a few sentences.

              Blue holds a unique place in the Mario rogues gallery in that he’s the only spinoff villain who is not killed as a final boss fight (or at least, strongly implied to be dead). He and his team are a very charming group of characters and I wanted to write a story exploring what goes into a forgivable villain, especially one who forces the highest stakes of any Mario game.

              With this story I wanted to spend time on developing character relationships and the process by which a kid goes from ‘crazy starving hobo’ to ‘most dangerous man in the universe with four goofball friends’. It’s a slow process; my story is about 300 scenes split up into 9 chapters, or ‘arcs’. Most of the arcs are about 20 scenes, but arcs 6 and 8 clock in at 180 scenes put together. during arc 1 I was still working out the major strokes of the story, and during arc 2 I was still ironing out the details, so the beginning is a little sparse and rocky compared to later chapters. I ended up having way too many ideas for this story, so I relegated a large percentage of them to ‘extras’ that only take a little time and I can publish between full scenes. they are canon and can elaborate on things happening in the story, but I made sure that none of them are critical for understanding major plot developments.

              For the vast majority of the story blue is stuck in a void between his incompatible goals; finding his fiancé and destroying everything, both of which he keeps mostly secret from the others. He also has to learn to manage his depression and particularly the strange comorbid symptoms that have developed. On top of that he has to come to terms with finding a family of weirdos out there in the universe and his extreme trepidation in acknowledging and communicating his feelings. Said four weirdos also are making their own journeys alongside blue, and I spent a lot of time in the story looking at how these different parallels and traits and threads would tangle up with each other as they traveled.

              What fell out of all these collisions was a story about the ways we treat each other and how that affects us. Blue struggles and often fails to hold on to his personhood, and this is strongly influenced by the way others- and especially the book- have treated him. This story is largely about growing out of abuse, and how that can tie in with forgiveness and redemption, given a willingness to change.

[ontarioyoga]

Is Mindfulness Meditation Bad

New Post has been published on https://www.ontarioyoga.net/is-mindfulness-meditation-bad/

Is Mindfulness Meditation Bad

Weve Had An Overwhelming Number Of People Contacting The Lab And Saying I Can’t Feel Anything I Don’t Feel Any Love For My Family What Do I Do Willoughby Britton

Take the effects of body scan, with the heightened activity in the insular cortex. “It’s like somebody turned up the volume knob, and the intensity of all your emotions is going to be louder,” says Britton, whose recent paper reviewed the potential ways that meditation could backfire. Eventually, your sensitivity to every slight change could become overwhelming. The result could be full-on panic attacks, as, indeed, around 14% meditators reported in a Portuguese study.

Other meditators might have the opposite problem. Studies have shown that meditation can increase activity in the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, for instance, which in turn regulates the limbic system, and the amygdala, another region where emotional salience is processed. In the right amount, prefrontal control over the limbic system can result in better focus and less emotional reactivity, says Britton. But when that’s taken beyond optimal levels, it can blunt all emotions, both negative and positive, so that they no longer feel extreme joy or happiness. In extreme cases, this can result in the unsettling sense of “dissociation” from their life – which affected around 8% of meditators in the Portuguese study.

Through Cheetah House, Britton has heard from many people experiencing this sense of numbness. “We’ve had an overwhelming number of people contacting the lab and saying, ‘I can’t feel anything, I don’t feel any love for my family. What do I do?’”

The bigger picture

Looking outward?

One Study Showed That At Least 25% Of Regular Meditators Have Experienced Adverse Events From Panic Attacks And Depression To An Unsettling Sense Of Dissociation

For those who still like the idea of contemplation, it may be time to consider a broader range of techniques. Certain religious traditions encourage practitioners to focus on things outside your body, for instance – such as a bunch of flowers on your desk or even a passage from a poem. These may be better at calming overwhelming feelings of anxiety, or coaxing yourself out of those feelings of dissociation than observing your body or your breathing, says Britton. There’s also a growing interest in meditative techniques that encourage you to think about others’ perspectives and to cultivate feeling of compassion – strategies that are especially effective against feelings of loneliness.

At the moment, some people may feel like they have to stick with one particular strategy – like mindful breathing or the body scan – without considering the alternatives. But this is a mistake, says Britton. “We should really honour the diversity of contemplative practices that are available, because they all do different things, and people would have a much better chance of matching what they need, if they had a bigger buffet of choices.” Each person should choose the best technique – and the correct “dose” – for their particular situation, rather than doggedly pursuing a plan that is not working.

And as I discovered myself with my own ill-fated attempts to gain mindfulness, this may sometimes include the decision that enough is enough.

Mindfulness Is The Ability To Be Aware Of Where We Are What We Are Doing And Directing Our Entire Focus In The Present Moment

A 2016 study by psychologists at Australian Catholic University found that practicing mindfulness by meditating, performing yoga, and breathing exercises reduce our stress, reduce depressive symptoms if experienced, improves sleep, and brightens our mood. Apart from boosting our mental health, practicing mindfulness also benefits our body, with a reduced risk of heart diseases, better digestion, and reduced chronic pain.

Guided meditation is the practice of meditating under the guidance of a trained yogi or meditation expert, thereby listening and following their instructions in a meditative state. Medical and psychological experts have recommended meditation throughout the world for better mental and physical well-being. However, unguided meditation, which is the practice of meditating by yourself, can take a negative route if not performed carefully or without training. 

However, is too much mindfulness bad? 

Mindfulness can be a life-changing experience and has innumerable benefits to the mind, body, and soul; however, it should be either practiced under an expert or after sufficient training and should not be overdone.

Importance of Professional Counseling: A friend or family member may listen to you, but they aren’t professionally, technically qualified or experienced to offer you professional advice. If you wish you can contact us at MindTribe to receive help from our team of expert psychologists.

Mindfulness Meditation May Spark Neuroplastic Renovations In The Brains Function And Structure

Neuroscientists have studied the physical effects of mindfulness meditation using functional magnetic resonance imaging and other techniques for the last two decades. Progress has followed on the growing recognition that the human brain is capable of physical changes throughout adulthood, even into old age – forming new connections and growing new neurons when someone learns a new skill, challenges themselves mentally or even just exercises. The emerging view of a brain that can be continually shaped through experience, dubbed neuroplasticity, replaced the long-held idea that after the first few decades of life, the brain’s physiological trajectory was basically one of decline. A number of brain studies suggest that mindfulness meditation may spark neuroplastic renovations in the brain’s function and structure.

Meditation activates brain regions associated with compassion and self-awareness, but it isn’t clear if these changes continue after meditation has stopped

Looking under the hood with fMRI, scientists have found that mindfulness meditation activates a network of brain regions that includes the insula .

It’s uncertain, however, whether these changes in brain activity can be sustained when the individual is not actively meditating, and if so how much people need to meditate for that to happen.

Brain wave

Meditation activates the amygdala, the same part of the brain that lights up when a mother responds to her baby’s face

Making Mindfulness Meditation More Helpful Starts With Understanding How It Can Be Harmful

A study led by Willoughby Britton, an associate professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown, shows the importance of defining and measuring the adverse effects of mindfulness.

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Mindfulness-based meditation programs have emerged as a promising treatment for conditions ranging from stress to sleeplessness to depression. In some cases, they’re even offered to people — schoolkids or employees, for example — who aren’t actively seeking help or who haven’t been screened for suitability. Yet most research and discourse about these programs focuses only on their benefits, with little investigation of the risks or the potential for adverse effects.

A recent review of nearly 7,000 studies of meditation practices found that less than 1% of them measured adverse effects. Willoughby Britton, an associate professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University, said that this is largely because assessing adverse effects in non-pharmacological treatments like mindfulness-based meditation programs is difficult to do well.

To address that gap, Britton conducted a new study on adverse effects in mindfulness-based programs that identified common obstacles to harms monitoring and, importantly, showed how to address them. The study also found that the rates of adverse effects from mindfulness were similar to those found in other psychological treatments.

The study was published on May 18 in Clinical Psychological Science.

A Minority Of People Experience Negative Effects From Meditation A New Report Has Found

Everyone has been feeling more stressed than usual lately with the relentless news about the virus, uncertainty around the future, financial or professional worries, and the constant back and forth from the government on what exactly we should or shouldn’t be doing.

One way people have been dealing with this stress and anxiety during lockdown is by turning to meditation and mindfulness which can help with both mental and physical health. Headspace, one of the world’s largest meditation apps, reported that daily downloads of the app between mid-March and the end of May. The number of monthly downloads for meditation app Ten Percent Happier also between mid-March and April.

However, meditation might not be the best solution for everyone. A new report has found that one in 12 people who try meditation experience negative effects, usually a worsening of anxiety or depression. These numbers come from a systematic review of evidence by Dr Miguel Farias, a reader in cognitive and biological psychology at Coventry University. Dr Farias and his team combed through 55 relevant studies in medical journals and, after excluding those that had deliberately set out to find negative effects, found that on average about 8 per cent people who try meditation experience an unwanted effect.

A new report has found that one in 12 people who try meditation experience negative effects

A New Study Investigates Whether Mindfulness May Have Bad Side Effects For Some People

Potential side effects are often front and center when considering taking medicine for physical or mental conditions, but information is less clear with treatments like meditation that don’t come in pill form.

Popular media and case studies have recently highlighted negative side effects from meditation—increases in depression, anxiety, and even psychosis or mania—but few studies have looked at the issue in depth across large numbers of people.

Side Effects to Meditation?

At Brown University, the Varieties of Contemplative Experience research project studies meditation experiences that are “unexpected, challenging, difficult, distressing, or impairing of functioning.” They describe these challenges in a 2017 study.

Read “The Dark Knight of the Soul” in The Atlantic.

In a recent paper featured in the journal Psychological Medicine, researchers at the Center for Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin–Madison found that people who took part in the most common and widely available secular mindfulness program did not experience psychological harm at a rate higher than people in control groups who did not take part in the program.

From the GGSC to your bookshelf: 30 science-backed tools for well-being.

As meditation joins a growing list of treatment options for stress, depression, and substance abuse, so does the need to understand when it’s effective and when it may pose risks.

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New Research Suggests That Mindfulness Can Change Our Brains And Help With Our Short

I’m of a certain age when things seem to disappear a lot. Keys, glasses, my cell phone, a favorite sweater. I put them down somewhere, and, hours later, I can’t remember where that somewhere is.

My memory—in particular, my short-term or “working” memory—is not at its peak. This is likely due in part to what researchers call “proactive interference,” where prior memories interfere with your ability to retrieve more recent information from your memory banks.

Short-term memory can be a particular challenge for older people and people suffering from mental illness. But a recent study found a simple way to potentially reduce the impact of proactive interference: mindfulness training.

From the GGSC to your bookshelf: 30 science-backed tools for well-being.

Participants were randomly assigned to either a four-week online mindfulness course or a creative writing course. The mindfulness group spent two weeks learning to focus on their breath or body sensations and two weeks learning “open monitoring,” being aware of what was happening around them and gently redirecting their attention when their minds wandered. The creative writing group wrote short essays in response to photos or text, practicing two weeks of journalistic-style writing and two weeks of academic writing.

Results of the analyses found that the mindfulness group had significantly less proactive interference during the memory test compared to the writing group, indicating an improvement in short-term memory.

Mindfulness Meditation Found To Relieve The Stress Of Waiting For Bad News

Popular music and clichés aren’t the only evidence that the waiting is the hardest part. Research backs it up as well; waiting for potentially bad news can be at least as difficult as receiving the news.

People try lots of things to mitigate the suffering that comes with waiting for exam scores, hospital test results, or the outcome of a job interview. They try to distract themselves. They try to stay positive. They brace for the worst.

Past research by UC Riverside “worry and waiting” expert Kate Sweeny has studied the effectiveness of those techniques. None of it works, her research has found. Those tactics not only fail to reduce distress – they can even backfire and make it worse.

But now, Sweeny’s research finds something that can help: supplementing those ineffective strategies with “mindfulness” meditation. That is, focusing on the present using meditation.

In the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, research funded by the National Science Foundation asserts that mindfulness is a sort of antidote to the “curse” of waiting. That curse is a focus on the past or future, represented by questions such as “Why did I say that?” and “What if things don’t go my way?”

Better to focus on the present, Sweeny said, and accept your thoughts and feelings as they arise rather than engage in tactics to avoid them. It means you’ll process your emotions differently and – Sweeny argues – more effectively.

Explore further

Mindfulness Meditation May Alleviate Symptoms Of General Anxiety Disorder

Nevertheless, mindfulness meditation may alleviate symptoms of general anxiety disorder by increasing connectivity between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex, thereby increasing a patient’s ability to regulate emotions. Meditation may also lessen the perception of pain by reducing pain-related activation of the somatosensory cortex and increasing activation of areas involved in the cognitive regulation of pain.

Work ahead

Fundamentally, mindfulness is an elusive quality to study. It’s an internally generated experience, not a drug that scientists can give to a patient. That creates a question when comparing mindfulness between individuals and especially between distinct studies.

What’s more, there is no universally accepted definition of mindfulness or agreement among researchers on the details of what it entails, Lazar and her colleagues note in the Perspectives on Psychological Science article.

There is no universally accepted definition of mindfulness, which makes it difficult to study, but scientists think it is a useful supplement to other therapies

In the context of PTSD, King says it’s likely that mindfulness meditation will continue to supplement more conventional psychiatric treatments. “I would never recommend for people to go to a mindfulness class at the YMCA or the local health centre and think that that’s going to be the same as psychotherapy, because it is not. It really is not,” King says.

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Heres A Sample Of The Rewriting Your Bad Day Guided Meditation Script:

Having a Bad Day

We all have those days where nothing seems to be going our way.

You may be feeling under the weather, emotionally exhausted, or overwhelmed withresponsibilities.

Labeling the day as a “bad day” may feel right, but it is often inaccurate—

no day is 100 percent bad;

there is almost always something good, however small.

You can train the mind to recognize both the good and the bad,

helping you see clearly that there are likely also pleasant and enjoyable moments during the day and that none of these moments is permanent.

When you do have painful moments, you can respond with compassion and rewrite the story of the day.

This practice works well when you are in the midst of a difficult day.

Find a quiet place and a few minutes to sit in silence.

Closing the eyes, begin by settling into the body.

Feel yourself sitting still, the connection of the body with the chair or cushion,and the movement in the body related to breathing.Bring to mind something difficult you have experienced today.Use a specific event, a general feeling, or whatever arises naturally in the mind.As the feeling of your “bad day” arises, pay attention to what that experience is like.Notice if there is a feeling in the body or any thought processes in the mind.Steer clear of picking it apart too much; instead, tune in to the overall experience and emotion.Ask yourself how it feels to be having a tough time today.

With awareness of how this feels, begin offering yourself some compassion.

What Does The Current Literature On Mindfulness For Psychosis Show

There have been at least a dozen randomised trials of mindfulness-based interventions for psychosis, with a combined sample size of over 1300, as well as several other trials of interventions in which mindfulness exercises are used . A recent meta-analyses of trial results indicated that interventions including mindfulness as a primary component show beneficial effects in various symptom dimensions, compared with treatment-as-usual and waiting-list conditions.Reference Jansen, Gleeson, Bendall, Rice and Alvarez-Jimenez5 This indicates that, on average, mindfulness is more likely to be beneficial than harmful in psychosis. Furthermore, examination of reports of study withdrawals showed no evidence of withdrawals arising from psychotic exacerbation during therapy, and trials have consistently shown a similar rate of withdrawals between mindfulness and control arms. Studies have also shown rates of treatment drop-out from mindfulness-based interventions to be no greater than for compared treatments. A series of studies have additionally tracked hospital admissions following mindfulness integrated with psychoeducation and found that mindfulness was associated with similar or lower hospital admission rates during and following therapy compared with control groups.

Like Many Other Desirable Practices Mindfulness Has Its Drawbacks

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Mindfulness is hugely popular these days. Once an esoteric topic only familiar to people with interests in Eastern traditions, today mindfulness is commonplace, with , magazines, videos, podcasts, and training programs readily available for consumption.

However, the popularity of mindfulness may have outstripped the science. Media portrayals generally lead people to believe that the effects of practicing mindfulness are inevitably positive, and it is safe to say that people usually practice mindfulness because they think it will improve their lives. Unfortunately, research reveals that this is not always the case. Mindfulness can be bad for you.

Mindfulness is often considered to have two main components, awareness and acceptance. Awareness involves monitoring your experiences, and acceptance refers to monitoring those experiences with an attitude of non-judgmental , making no attempt to change or avoid anything that pops up in your mind. Implementing both components, by being a non-judgmental observer of experience, is necessary to derive benefits from mindfulness.

The second , which looked at both meditators and non-meditators, found similar results. Compared to people with other mindfulness profiles, those with the “judgmentally observing” profile suffered more depression, rumination, worry, and distress intolerance.

Is Mindfulness Useful Or Dangerous For Individuals With Psychosis

Tania Lecomte, PhD, RPsych, and Alicia Spidel, MA, PhD Candidate

Reprinted from the Mindfulness issue of Visions Journal, 2016, 12 , p. 10

Mindfulness and cognitive-behavioural therapies such as acceptance and commitment therapy or meditating, to name a few.

Are mindfulness-based treatments dangerous?

For a long time, practising meditation—one of the strategies used in mindfulness-based interventions—was considered dangerous for people with mental illness, especially individuals with psychosis . Clinicians believed that meditation could trigger a psychotic episode by creating a mental state in which the person was no longer connected to reality and would let his or her mind take over. This belief was not entirely unfounded. In fact, unguided meditation practices can be harmful for people with a diagnosis of a psychotic disorder and have indeed been documented as worsening the psychotic symptoms of some individuals.4 Yet not all mindfulness practice includes meditation, and mindfulness interventions are being recommended more commonly for people with psychosis, as can be seen by the number of publications on the subject in recent years.

What does this mean?

How mindfulness-based interventions work

Most mindfulness treatments for psychosis aim to help the individual incorporate the following into his or her daily routine:

Acceptance

Taking a step back

Compassion

Mindfulness

Important adaptations to mindfulness practice

About the author

Footnotes:

Should You Be Concerned About Having Bad Meditation Experiences

Meditation is generally a safe practice that produces many scientifically documented healthful effects, especially for those with mood or anxiety disorders. It has positive impact even for many without mood or anxiety disorders. Meditation also has been associated with some negative experiences, many of which were documented in the recent study. However, based on what we know about meditation and its effects, you are more likely to experience the healthful effects of meditation than to be have negative meditation experiences described in the study.

– Mindfulness meditation resources

To learn more about mindfulness meditation in New York, contact the Mindfulness Collaborative. Outside the New York area, consider finding a class in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction or reading the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn or other authors .

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How To Transform Negative Thoughts With Mindfulness Meditation

At the core of each person is a space that knows pure peace. But as we grow, we start to be drawn away from this deep sense of self as a result of social conditioning, trauma, time, and a host of other personal factors. It becomes easy for us to feel detached and to start making choices based on external factors as opposed to being true to ourselves.

As a psychotherapist, my work is to help clients peel back these layers and uncover their inner selves — the “You” that lives inside and promotes a sense of stillness and connection. Through my work, I’ve learned one of the most effective ways of accomplishing this is Mindfulness Meditation.

What To Do When You Experience Negative Effects In Meditation

The very first thing you should do is to reduce the amount of practice you do.

As the likeliness of adverse effects increases with more meditation, reducing the amount of meditation time will decrease the negative effects almost immediately.

Once the negative effect have subsided, you can then again increase the amount of time spent in meditation. It might even be needed to stop your practice altogether for some time. Just to give your body and mind some time to recover.

However, if this does not solve your problem, you really need to consult with a qualified teacher. And also a psychologist.

There are people that unfortunately get severe panic attacks from doing extended periods of meditation.

I would recommend seeking out a psychologist that has experience with mindfulness as it is difficult to treat a problem that you are not familiar with. They might try to talk you out of meditation not because it is best for you, but out of a lack of understanding of what is really happening.

Mindfulness Backlash: Could Meditation Be Bad For Your Health

A cure-all for everything from stress to anger, or a load of marketing hype that could making you more anxious? Anna Hart gets to grips with the growing mindfulness backlash

I have a confession: meditation seriously stresses me out. I’ve downloaded apps like , and . I’ve been to meditation seminars. I’ve attended retreats.

The outcome is always the same: when I try to zone out, my brain zones in… on hopes, dreams, or things I haven’t done. Within minutes, I’m making to-do lists in my head, daydreaming about writing a trashy spy thriller, or wondering what type of boyfriend Headspace’s founder Andy would be.

I inevitably wind up cursing my brain and its runaway thoughts, because 20 minutes of fidgeting won’t deliver the promised fruits of meditative labours: a serene disposition, increased mental clarity and a compassionate soul. By the time I crossly tear off my headphones or shove the yoga mat in the corner, these rewards have never felt further from my reach.

I’ve wasted precious time that could have been spent on something I love, and I’ve failed, again, at something seemingly everyone else finds both effortless and effective. I’ve given it my best shot, but mindfulness and me are not working out.

And 2015 is a lonely time for dropouts like me, when my friends are Headspacing happily on the tube to work, celebrities rave about meditation in interviews, and mindfulness-based training is being rolled out in offices, and the emergency services.

Mindfulness And Meditation Can Worsen Depression And Anxiety

Mindfulness involves paying close attention to your own thoughts

Mindfulness and other types of meditation are usually seen as simple stress-relievers – but they can sometimes leave people worse off.

About one in 12 people who try meditation experience an unwanted negative effect, usually a worsening in depression or anxiety, or even the onset of these conditions for the first time, according to the first systematic review of the evidence. “For most people it works fine but it has undoubtedly been overhyped and it’s not universally benevolent,” says Miguel Farias at Coventry University in the UK, one of the researchers behind the work.

There are many types of meditation, but one of the most popular is mindfulness, in which people pay attention to the present moment, focusing on either their own thoughts and feelings or external sensations. It is recommended by several National Health Service bodies in the UK as a way of reducing depression relapses in people who have experienced the condition several times.

Enthusiasm for meditation may partly stem from a growing awareness of the side effects of antidepressant medicines and the difficulties some people report in stopping taking them. There have been some reports of people experiencing worse mental health after starting meditation but it is unclear how often this happens.

Read more: Lost in meditation: Two books argue over mindfulness

Journal reference: Acta Psychiatrica Scandinavica, DOI: 10.1111/acps.13225

There Are Negative Side Effects That No One Ever Talks About

Mindfulness as a psychological aid is very much in fashion. Recent reports on the latest finding suggested that mindfulness-based cognitive therapy is as effective as antidepressants in preventing the relapse of recurrent depression.

arrow-right

While the authors of interpreted their results in a slightly less positive light, stating that mindfulness was no more effective than medication, the meaning inferred by many in the media was that mindfulness was superior to medication.

Mindfulness is a technique extracted from Buddhism in which one tries to notice present thoughts, feeling and sensations without judgment. The aim is to create a state of “bare awareness.” What was once a tool for spiritual exploration has been turned into a panacea for the modern age — a cure-all for common human problems, from stress, to anxiety, to depression. By taking this “natural pill” every day, we open ourselves up to the potential for myriad benefits and no ill effects, unlike synthetic pills, such as antidepressants, with their potential for negative side effects.

We don’t know how it works

The few available meta-analyses report moderate evidence that meditation affects us in various ways, such as reducing anxiety and increasing positive emotions. However, it is less clear how powerful and long-lasting these changes are — does it work better than physical relaxation, for example? Or than a placebo? The evidence on this is contradictory and inconclusive.

Side effects

Why No One Wants To Talk About Meditations Adverse Effects

The adverse effects of mindfulness-based meditation programs are often an unpleasant topic for providers and participants alike, Britton said. For the study, she and her colleagues reviewed the most current harms monitoring best practices from regulatory agencies like the World Health Organization, the National Institutes of Health and the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. In the paper, they outlined the key considerations around assessing adverse effects, including hesitancy of participants to report negative reactions to treatment because of feelings of shame or a desire to please the researcher or instructor.

Researchers and mindfulness teachers are understandably more focused on the help they can provide than any harm they could cause. As a result, a lack of negative feedback from participants is often interpreted as evidence of absence of harm. “It’s very easy for our enthusiasm and desire to help to become a kind of blindness,” Britton explained.

Another complicating factor, she said, is the lack of knowledge of proper harms assessment.

“ In order to address risks and modify treatment accordingly, you need thorough and detailed knowledge about potential harms.”

Finally, she highlighted the fact that term “adverse” is a highly subjective judgment that can vary across people and even across the same person in different contexts.

Is Mindfulness For Psychosis Harmful Deconstructing A Myth

Kerem Böge

Affiliation:Department of Psychiatry and Psychotherapy, Campus Benjamin Franklin, Charité – Universitätsmedizin Berlin; and Freie Universität Berlin; and Humboldt-Universität zu Berlin; and Berlin Institute of Health, Germany

Neil Thomas

Centre for Mental Health, Swinburne University of Technology, Australia

Pamela Jacobsen

Department of Psychology, University of Bath, UK

Corresponding

Rights & Permissions

The Capacity To Be Mindful Is Associated With Higher Well

“In contrast, the capacity to be mindful is associated with higher well-being in daily life,” Creswell wrote in the 2017 Annual Review of Psychology. He cites a 2003 study showing a correlation between mindfulness and a number of indicators of well-being.

One study finds that the more mindfulness we practice, the better we feel

When people who meditate say they are paying attention to the present moment, they may be focused on their breathing, but maybe also on an emotion that surfaces and then passes, a mental image, inner chatter or a sensation in the body. “Adopting an attitude of openness and acceptance toward one’s experience is critical” to becoming more mindful, Creswell says. The idea is to be view these moments with a detached and non-judgmental curiosity.

Creswell first became interested in mindfulness meditation when he took courses on psychology and Buddhism in high school. Later, in graduate school, he began studying meditation in connection with reducing stress and improving overall health.

“As a scientist, I’m never convinced. I’ve been trained to be sceptical,” Creswell says. “Nonetheless, I do think that there were a number of experiences I had while on meditation retreats that really struck me as very foundational.”

Meditation is often associated with Buddhism, which holds that the practice leads to spiritual fulfilment and peace

But the scientific evidence for its benefits is still lacking.

Mindfulness Meditation Develops A Godless Spirituality

Mindfulness and transcendental meditation seek to develop spirituality. However, this spirituality is bound to the worldview of the practitioner. By practicing meditation in a secular context, we develop a secular version of spirituality. Though you might be inclined to think that someone who doesn’t believe in the supernatural rejects the notion of spirituality, this is no longer clear, as is evident from the rise of secular churches, complete with a liturgy.

Under Buddhism, the spiritual experience meditation seeks to create is mystical. Mystical theory assumes man needs to ascent into or toward God and regards the physical world as inherently evil. The spirituality we find in scripture considers the world as something good that is corrupted, but which will one day be purified and redeemed.

Regardless of whether your version of spirituality is Buddhist or atheistic, developing a spirituality that is devoid of God is a godless spirituality. If you’re a Christian, shouldn’t you be concerned about what God says about your life and respond accordingly? By rejecting a biblical approach to change and spiritual growth, we treat God as something to tag onto the side of our life for some moralistic therapy. That is not Christianity.Developing a spirituality that is devoid of God is a godless spirituality

Can Mindfulness Be Dangerous If You Are Not Depressed

Unfortunately, even if not depressed, you could experience some adverse effect from mindfulness.

A recent study found that up to 25% of people that reported to them experienced some transient adverse effects from practicing mindfulness.

Although this number is high, a few things should be kept in mind:

The severity of the unwanted effects varied greatly. Most of them were very mild, for instance an increased boredom or feeling that the time not spent meditating is wasted.

The effect were transient and mostly disappeared quickly

Most people experiencing unwanted effect learned the technique on their own. So seeking the help of a qualified teacher will improve you situation

The researchers acknowledge that is there is no proof that the adverse effect were caused by the practice since these symptoms also occur in people who are not practicing meditation.

They also acknowledge the fact that there are adverse effect to standard psychological treatments and that these are also poorly understood. The same applies here: many people have great benefit from these interventions, but some have negative effects.

It is also interesting to note that traditional Buddhist text also acknowledge the possibility of adverse effects when practicing meditation.

There, they are sometimes called and are transient somatic effects that can be both positive or negative. The advice given here is also to consult with a qualified teacher.

Why Specific Concerns About Mindfulness For Psychosis

Historical concerns about use of mindfulness in psychosis can perhaps be linked to the over-reliance on early uncontrolled case study evidence which suggested that people developed psychotic episodes after taking part in meditation retreats.Reference Dyga and Stupak1 For example, Walsh & RocheReference Walsh and Roche4 report three cases of apparent psychotic relapse in people diagnosed with schizophrenia who had taken part in intensive meditation retreats. The retreats were described as involving ‘many hours each day of sitting and walking meditation and total silence, without communication of any kind ’ and up to ‘18 hours of meditation a day’ over the course of a 2-week retreat. This bears little resemblance to the intensity and mode of delivery that would be typical of mindfulness-based interventions in mental healthcare settings. Furthermore, we know that sensory deprivation, social isolation, fasting and sleep deprivation are themselves risk factors for relapse in psychosis, and so these are likely to have been the riskiest aspects of the retreat rather than the meditation itself.

Definitions Arising In Modern Teaching Of Meditation

Since the 1970s, most books on meditation use definitions of mindfulness similar to Jon Kabat-Zinn‘s definition as “present moment awareness”. However, recently a number of teachers of meditation have proposed quite different definitions of mindfulness. Shinzen Young says a person is mindful when they have mindful awareness, and defines that to be when “concentration power, sensory clarity, and equanimity working together.” John Yates defines mindfulness to be “the optimal interaction between attention and peripheral awareness”, where he distinguishes attention and peripheral awareness as two distinct modes in which one may be conscious of things.

Why Do These Negative Effects Occur When Meditating

The traditional view is that your are experiencing these because you are dredging, and at the same time cleansing, your subconscious mind.

You are bringing forth what was already there. Meditation only brings them forth a little sooner.

The good part of this is that although meditation brings forth the problem, it is also the cure for the problem. So continuing with a lower pace will generally solve the issue.

Congratulations. Download your copy of mindfulness exercises for beginners ebook

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Practices For Improving Emotional And Physical Well

It’s a busy world. You fold the laundry while keeping one eye on the kids and another on the television. You plan your day while listening to the radio and commuting to work, and then plan your weekend. But in the rush to accomplish necessary tasks, you may find yourself losing your connection with the present moment—missing out on what you’re doing and how you’re feeling. Did you notice whether you felt well-rested this morning or that forsythia is in bloom along your route to work?

Mindfulness is the practice of purposely focusing your attention on the present moment—and accepting it without judgment. Mindfulness is now being examined scientifically and has been found to be a key element in stress reduction and overall happiness.

How To Break Bad Habits With Mindfulness Meditation

Bad habits can be difficult to break and may seem nearly impossible to overcome.  Perhaps you grab candy or chips every time you walk by the kitchen.  Maybe you swear every time a person cuts you off in your daily commute.  Whatever the habit may be, bad habits can be overcome through mindfulness practice.

The following steps can be practiced daily to overcome bad habits that are impeding you from living your best life.

Create time for meditation daily

Live in the present moment

Find a better way to deal with stress

Find motivation

Pause before reacting

Have better willpower

Before learning the intricacies of meditation, it can be helpful to learn how to meditate.  It does not require a fancy robe, becoming a mute, or removing to a remote village in India.  Just follow the steps below.

Once seated in the proper physical state, you can turn your attention towards achieving the proper mental state of being.

Mindfulness Has Some Potentially Serious Pitfalls

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As I pointed out , mindfulness practice has entered the mainstream of Western culture to such an extent that 2014 was proclaimed as “The Year of Mindfulness” by the New Republic, and futurists see “mindful living” as a top trend that will influence consumers in the years to come.

Most readers may know this already, but here’s a quick refresher. Mindfulness practice refers to a set of activities and exercises that concentrate an individual’s mind on experiencing the present moment and excluding the stream of diverse thoughts and mind-wandering that happens normally. Mindfulness practice usually involves some form of meditation, with or without a locus. Its goal is to create and maintain a nonjudgmental and nonreactive state of awareness.

To capture and keep one’s concentration in the present, the practitioner continuously focuses on a single concept for a period of time ranging from a few minutes to hours. During the practice, he may pay attention to his own breathing, counting breaths, monitoring and regulating each cycle of inhalation and exhalation. Alternatively, she may listen to a soothing, mellifluous sound or recite a chant, over and over, maintaining complete attention on the chosen stimulus, and bringing it back each time it drifts.

So let’s shine the spotlight on these findings here, so as to have a balanced understanding of the pros and cons of practicing mindfulness.

Forming False Memories

Mindfulness Meditation Treats Symptoms Not Causes

Studies indicate there are many benefits of mindfulness meditation. These include improved health, happiness, social life, self-control, productivity, and improved mood. Even though the empirical results support the practice, this doesn’t mean that meditation is the only or even the best way to achieve these results.

While there is little doubt that our mental state affects our health, happiness, social life, self-control, productivity and mood, mindfulness is more about a solution than identifying the problem. In fact, it is difficult to find psychological documentation providing a theory of why meditation is effective. Thus, while many now regard the practice as secular, it still rests primarily on Buddhist theory.

You Might Experience Some Physical Side Effects

Although some view it as a mental and emotional tool, meditation has proven physical effects on the body. Subjects in the 2017 study say they felt negative changes all throughout their systems, including pain, pressure, involuntary movements, headaches, fatigue, weakness, gastrointestinal problems, and dizziness.

Concerns About Negative Meditation Experiences

With its increased popularity have come concerns: what about unpleasant or scary meditation experiences? Does it , or cause other psychiatric problems? In some Christian quarters there are even worries about opening the door for demonic influence. These fears were often based on anecdotal evidence.

To provide a more scientific understanding of the negative effects of meditation, noted meditation researcher Dr. Willoughby Britton of Brown University and her colleagues conducted  that was published in PLOS One in 2017. The media have the study as a cautionary tale about previously unreported dangers. The study interviewed sixty experienced meditators about their unpleasant meditation experiences. These experiences were quite diverse, and included agitation, depression, changes in perception, and even hallucinations.

Ways Meditation Can Actually Change The Brain

The meditation-and-the-brain research has been rolling in steadily for a number of years now, with new studies coming out just about every week to illustrate some new benefit of meditation. Or, rather, some ancient benefit that is just now being confirmed with fMRI or EEG. The practice appears to have an amazing variety of neurological benefits – from changes in grey matter volume to reduced activity in the “me” centers of the brain to enhanced connectivity between brain regions. Below are some of the most exciting studies to come out in the last few years and show that meditation really does produce measurable changes in our most important organ. Skeptics, of course, may ask what good are a few brain changes if the psychological effects aren’t simultaneously being illustrated? Luckily, there’s good evidence for those as well, with studies reporting that meditation helps relieve our subjective levels of anxiety and depression, and improve attention, concentration, and overall psychological well-being.

Meditation Helps Preserve the Aging Brain

Meditation Reduces Activity in the Brain’s “Me Center”

Its Effects Rival Antidepressants for Depression, Anxiety

Meditation May Lead to Volume Changes in Key Areas of the Brain

Just a Few Days of Training Improves Concentration and Attention 

Meditation Reduces Anxiety — and Social Anxiety

Meditation Can Help with Addiction

Short Meditation Breaks Can Help Kids in School

Worth a Try?

How Do I Practice Mindfulness And Meditation

Mindfulness is available to us in every moment, whether through meditations and body scans, or mindful moment practices like taking time to pause and breathe when the phone rings instead of rushing to answer it.

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Effects And Efficacy Of Mindfulness Practice

Mindfulness has gained increasing empirical attention since 1970 and has been studied often as an intervention for stress reduction. Meta analyses indicate its beneficial effects for healthy adults, for adolescents and children, as well as for different health-related outcomes including weight management, psychiatric conditions, heart disease, sleep disorders, cancer care, adult autism treatment, and other health-related conditions. An often-cited meta-analysis on meditation research published in JAMA in 2014, found insufficient evidence of any effect of meditation programs on positive mood, attention, substance use, eating habits, sleep, and weight, but found that there is moderate evidence that meditation reduces anxiety, depression, and pain. However, this study included a highly heterogeneous group of meditation styles , which is a significant limitation of this study.

Further, mindfulness meditation also appears to lead to increased telomere length, which is an important finding considering that short telomeres can be a risk factor for the development of several chronic health conditions. Research has also investigated mindful movements and mindful exercises for different patient populations. Mindfulness-based approaches are a major subject of increasing research interest, 52 papers were published in 2003, rising to 477 by 2012. Nearly 100 randomized controlled trials had been published by early 2014.

Why Are People Experiencing These Reactions

To understand why people are experiencing short- or long-term adverse reactions to meditation and mindfulness, Britton says more research is needed. However, there are some theories.

Britton says that the 6% who reported long-term negative side effects tended to meditate more. Duration as a risk factor for “unpleasant” meditation experiences has been previously reported in people who go on retreats, where meditation is done 12 to 15 hours a day.

In addition to duration, context and culture should be considered. When Britton presented her research to Dalai Lama, the spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhism, in 2012, he suggested that harm could be brought on by meditation due to “the lack of fuller knowledge, a fuller picture.”

Mental Health Professionals Are Adjusting to Pandemic Demand

Although research about the possible adverse effects of meditation and mindfulness is rare, Britton notes that her study is in no way the first of its kind.

“Suddenly, we’re actually talking about it and measuring it, and it seems like it’s everywhere,” Britton says. “It seems like it just emerged and it’s happening more, but it’s not.”

What Is Languishing, and What Can We Do About It?

It’s also been documented outside of academia. ” were documented in Buddhist textual sources that are hundreds and hundreds of years old,” Britton adds, “So this is not news. It’s just that the market value of mindfulness is so high that it’s not convenient .”

Potentially Adverse Effects Of Mindfulness

We have recently reviewed some of the evidence for what we call the ‘dark side of meditation’, which includes evidence of somatic, psychological and neurological problems associated with meditation practice. This is a surprisingly under-researched area, mostly consisting of case studies, but not exclusively. A cross-sectional study on the effects of intensive and long-term meditation reported that over 60% of individuals had at least one negative effect, which varied from increased anxiety to depression and full-blown psychosis. Qualitative research on mindfulness meditation shows that it may increase the awareness of difficult feelings and exacerbate psychological problems. One individual reported being suddenly confronted with material relating to a forgotten childhood trauma during his mindfulness practice:

‘I saw the depth of the pain that is buried things that have happened to me that have not been dealt with properly. It can be very scary to know there’s that very strong thing in there’ p. 853.

Tips To Practice Mindfulness In Daily Life

As you practice mindfulness meditation, it helps to find ways to bring mindfulness into your everyday life—especially on those days when life is too busy to carve out a minute alone. Mindfulness meditation is one technique, but everyday activities and tasks provide plenty of opportunities for mindfulness practice.

Brushing your teeth: Feel your feet on the floor, the brush in your hand, and your arm moving up and down.

Doing dishes: Savor the feeling of the warm water on your hands, the look of the bubbles, and the sounds of the pans clunking on the bottom of the sink.

Doing laundry: Pay attention to the smell of the clean clothes and the feel of the fabric. Add a focus element and count your breaths as you fold laundry.

: Turn off the radio—or put on something soothing, like classical music. Imagine your spine growing tall, find the half-way point between relaxing your hands and gripping the wheel too tightly. Whenever you notice your mind wandering, bring your attention back to where you and your car are in space.

Exercising: Instead of watching television while on the treadmill, try focusing on your breathing and where your feet are as you move.

Getting kids ready for bed: Get down to the same level as your kids, look in their eyes, listen more than you talk, and savor any snuggles. When you relax, they will too.

Mindfulness Meditation And Other Practices

Mindfulness can be cultivated through mindfulness meditation, a systematic method of focusing your attention. You can learn to meditate on your own, following instructions in books or on tape. However, you may benefit from the support of an instructor or group to answer questions and help you stay motivated. Look for someone using meditation in a way compatible with your beliefs and goals.

If you have a medical condition, you may prefer a medically oriented program that incorporates meditation. Ask your physician or hospital about local groups. Insurance companies increasingly cover the cost of meditation instruction.

The 11 ‘dangers’ Of Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness meditation is a wonderful tool, supported by a growing wealth of evidence which demonstrates the many benefits of the practice. However, recently there have been a few articles in the press which have highlighted the ‘dangers’ of meditation. Therefore, it seems a good time to look deeper into what could be considered meditation dangers, and how we can not only address them but also learn from them.

On our mindfulness journeys as practitioners and teachers, we have certainly all encountered hurdles to our practice. Some of us might have unconsciously used mindfulness to force positive feelings, others might have used the technique to avoid certain situations .

Most of us, however, would probably not say that by doing so we’ve put ourselves in ‘danger’. On the contrary: If we have, for example, used mindfulness to feel good, we might have brought to awareness our tendency to chase happiness instead of trying to be with whatever presents itself to us in this very moment. Bringing this to light through practising mindfulness will then help us break free from this pattern. This potential ‘danger’ that we encounter during our practice might turn out to be a wonderful gift that helps us deepen our practice, and understand ourselves better, thus helping us grow.

Here is a list of some of the common ‘dangers’ that we might encounter in our practice. They might help to shine a light on some mindfulness meditators patterns.

1. Abandoning All Other Coping Mechanisms

Can Mindfulness And Meditation Be Harmful

Meditation has escaped both the religious cells of monks and nuns and the labs of scientists. An increasing number of people are using meditation apps to deal with mental health problems, such as depression and anxiety. Although there is no clear estimate of how many people are practising meditation, last year one single app had close to 40 million downloads.

But now my new study, which reviews over 40 years of the science of meditation and mindfulness-based therapies, suggests that these practices can also lead to negative effects in about 8 per cent of individuals — from increases in anxiety, depression and stress, to unusual experiences like hallucinations.

This sounds counterintuitive, given the thousands of scientific studies exploring the positive effects of meditation. But this study also indicates that scientists have been aware of these problems for a long time.

In 1977, the American Psychiatric Association published a statement recommending that research on meditation should evaluate both its usefulness and its dangers. And ancient meditation manuals, like the Buddhist Dharmatr?ta Meditation Scripture, likewise indicate that if meditation is not carried out properly, the mind can become unstable, restless or confused.

Read more about meditation

Michael Mosley investigates… mindfulness

What Do We Know About Harm In Mindfulness

Psychological therapy is one of the key pillars in the treatment of a wide range of mental illnesses, but the potential adverse effects of psychotherapies still remain less systematically studied than those of medications and medical devices and the field lacks agreed terminology. In this context, decisions about what to provide to whom may be more influenced by presumptions about what may happen than informed by the available data. A variety of outcomes have been identified as potential adverse effects of psychotherapy, such as a lack of clinical improvement, symptom deterioration, development of new symptoms, fear of seeking future treatment and maladaptive dependence on therapists.Reference Duggan, Parry, McMurran, Davidson and Dennis2

Duggan et al have defined harm as any ‘sustained deterioration that is caused directly by the psychological intervention’.Reference Duggan, Parry, McMurran, Davidson and Dennis2 Using this definition, it is therefore important to distinguish between short-term discomfort, which can be considered part of therapeutic growth, and serious or long-term harms and not found to be directly attributable to the mindfulness intervention.Reference Baer, Crane, Miller and Kuyken3 The review’s authors therefore concluded that mindfulness can be uncomfortable without being harmful.

Mindfulness Meditation Is Reductionistic

Mindfulness and transcendental meditation regard people as less than what the Bible says it means to be human. Part of the original concept of transcendental meditation was that the practitioner was to eliminate their desires and to enter a state of non-existence. By contrast, the Bible teaches that God made man in His image with desires and emotions. Certainly, corrupt desires lead to bad circumstances but the problem is not the affections per se, but their corruption. Desires, emotions, and feelings enable meaning and are a gift of God.

Mindfulness it’s ultimate goal. It does this by encouraging short meditation, enough to grow in self-awareness. But even mindfulness is reductionistic because it fails to provide a moral framework for our feelings. Without a moral framework, there is no framework for transcendent meaning. Without God’s objective and transcendent meaning, we lose the definition of meaning and reduce it to something less than it is. If we reduce meaning, we lessen the significance of humanity and by extension, our own lives. Mindfulness is itself devoid of a moral framework, reducing meaning to a poor self-articulated alternative. Therefore, mindfulness is reductionistic.Without a moral framework, there is no framework for transcendent meaning.

The Enthusiasm Is Ahead Of The Evidence

Contrary to popular opinion, the evidence for even the most ‘well-founded’ benefits of mindfulness is not consistent or conclusive. A recent comprehensive meta-analysis of randomised clinical trials showed that mindfulness interventions only led to moderate improvements in depression, anxiety and pain, and very small improvements in stress reduction and quality of life. There was no evidence that mindfulness had an effect on other variables, such as positive mood, attention, sleep or substance use. Further, when mindfulness was compared with other interventions, such as physical exercise or relaxation, it was not more effective. This confirms the result of an earlier meta-analysis, which found that mindfulness-based interventions did not lead to medium- or long-term better clinical outcomes compared with relaxation or psychoeducation.

The enthusiasm surrounding mindfulness easily leads to reporting the evidence in a different way. Let us again take the case of mindfulness in the treatment of recurrent depression. Its last major trial was published with great media fanfare: ‘mindfulness is as effective as drugs for treating depression’ reported the Daily Mail . What the media did not pick up on was that the study had in fact failed, as its hypothesis was that MBCT would be superior to antidepressant medication in preventing depression relapse.

Background: Meditations Health Benefits

Meditation and mindfulness practices have become more accepted in Western cultures since the late 1990’s. There are several reasons for this. A primary one is the research and writing of Jon Kabat-Zinn, a scientist who adapted a Southeast Asian Buddhist meditation practice for a Western audience. 

His work focuses on a practice called mindfulness meditation. Kabat-Zinn initially, in the late 1970s, focused on patients suffering from chronic pain. His research showed promising results for these patients. His work led to an expansion in research on what other conditions improve with mindfulness meditation. In the following years, studies showed that mindfulness and meditation produce benefit for those suffering from other conditions as well. These include hypertension, insomnia, as well as various anxiety and mood disorders.

These scientific advancements, along with more open societal attitudes toward meditation, led to an explosion in meditation and mindfulness-based practice. People understood that these practices were an effective way to maintain emotional health and to manage stress. Around the same time, yoga also became much more accepted as a healthy habit.

People came to see meditation as analogous to physical exercise — challenging to undertake, but leading to continued benefits with regular practice.

Motivation May Go Right Out The Window Kinga Cichewicz/Unsplash

If you already have trouble with procrastinating and getting work done, meditation could be bad news: The 2017 study revealed it can cause a serious lack of motivation.

And this potential change doesn’t only apply to obligations like work. According to the 2017 study, meditation can also lead to you losing interest in activities that you previously enjoyed, akin to the effects of depression.

This lack of interest could come as a result of non-attachment, a common skill many meditators strive for, according to Psychology Today. 

Christianity Provides Greater Benefits

The word of God reminds us that our greatest command is to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength” . Jesus affirms this numerous times. One significant affirmation is Matt 6:33, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.” The priority for a Christian is not “these things” but “the kingdom of God and His righteousness.”

The way we walk with the Lord is more important than what we have. Paul learned to be content in whatever situation he was in because He recognized that how we relate to and respond to the holy and righteous Creator was more important than the circumstances we go through.If all we want is a better life or life on our terms without the Lord, we probably aren’t Christian.

Separation Of Technique From Tradition

Some of the difficulty in precisely defining meditation has been in recognizing the particularities of the many various traditions; and theories and practice can differ within a tradition. Taylor noted that even within a faith such as “Hindu” or “Buddhist”, schools and individual teachers may teach distinct types of meditation.:2Ornstein noted that “Most techniques of meditation do not exist as solitary practices but are only artificially separable from an entire system of practice and belief.”:143 For instance, while monks meditate as part of their everyday lives, they also engage the codified rules and live together in monasteries in specific cultural settings that go along with their meditative practices.

Dangers Of Mindfulness When Depressed

It is not that mindfulness is necessarily dangerous when you are depressed. All to the contrary, study after study finds that mindfulness helps patients that have recurring depression.

So why do everybody always warn against mindfulness when you have depression?

The simpe reason is that most MBSR or MBCT trainers are either not psychologists, or take on a variety of clients in their groups.

This is to the detriment of patients with depression as they might see everybody have great results and they themselves not. This might strengthen their feelings of unworthiness.

So if you have a depression, I would recommend finding an MBCT program run by a psychologist, or finding a psychiatrist that also teaches mindfulness. They will be able to guide you through the exercises and keep a close eye on your well being. Something that cannot be accomplished in a regular MBCT group.

Eddi van W.

Congratulations. Download your copy of mindfulness exercises for beginners ebook

How To Practice Mindfulness On The Go

Nearly every task we perform in a day—be it brushing our teeth, eating lunch, talking with friends or exercising—can be done more mindfully.

When we are mindful of our actions, we pay more attention to what we are doing. It’s the opposite of going through the motions—instead, you are tuned into your senses, noticing your thoughts and emotions.

How To Sit For Mindfulness Meditation

Take your seat. Whatever you’re sitting on—a chair, a meditation cushion, a park bench—find a spot that gives you a stable, solid seat, not perching or hanging back.

Notice what your legs are doing. If on a cushion on the floor, cross your legs comfortably in front of you. If on a chair, it’s good if the bottoms of your feet are touching the floor.

Straighten—but don’t stiffen—your upper body. The spine has natural curvature. Let it be there. Your head and shoulders can comfortably rest on top of your vertebrae.

Situate your upper arms parallel to your upper body. Then let your hands drop onto the tops of your legs. With your upper arms at your sides, your hands will land in the right spot. Too far forward will make you hunch. Too far back will make you stiff. You’re tuning the strings of your body—not too tight and not too loose.

Drop your chin a little and let your gaze fall gently downward. You may let your eyelids lower. If you feel the need, you may lower them completely, but it’s not necessary to close your eyes when meditating. You can simply let what appears before your eyes be there without focusing on it.

Be there for a few moments. Relax. Bring your attention to your breath or the sensations in your body.

Practice pausing before making any physical adjustments, such as moving your body or scratching an itch. With intention, shift at a moment you choose, allowing space between what you experience and what you choose to do.

[fyp-psychology]

The Unmistakable Link Between Unhealed Trauma & Illness

Most of us experience trauma at some level, not just war veterans who witness and experience horrific terror, but simply by growing up as vulnerable children in a world where many parents are themselves traumatized and can’t always hold that vulnerability safe for a child. 

You might mistakenly think that you must experience incest, child abuse, parental abandonment, or living in a war zone in order to be traumatized, but trauma can be much more subtle. Psychologist Dawson Church, PhD defines a traumatizing event as something that is:

Perceived as a threat to the person’s physical survival

Overwhelms their coping capacity, producing a sense of powerlessness

Produces a feeling of isolation and aloneness

Violates their expectations

In his book Psychological Trauma, Dawson gives the example of Martie’s traumatizing event, which could have lasting consequences but might be easily overlooked if you were not attuned to the kinds of events that can traumatize a child.

When I was growing up, I idolized my older brother Gary. But he was pretty rough with me. He was six years older than I was. One day when I was three and he was nine, he wanted to have a “wrestling match.” He “won” by lying on top of me. I couldn’t breathe and I began to panic. Gary just laughed when he saw me struggling. I almost passed out. When he rolled off me, I began to cry uncontrollably. My mother came in, and I tried to explain what happened. He told her it was nothing. I was just being a crybaby. Mom told me, “Big girls don’t cry.”

While it might be easily dismissed as just children tussling, this example meets all four criteria for a traumatizing event. Martie thought she was going to die when Gary lay on top of her, so she perceived a threat to her survival. She tried to cope by pushing him off, but he was too big so her coping attempt failed and she felt powerless. Being smothered by her brother violated her expectation that her family would keep her safe. When her mother failed to support and comfort her by dismissing her emotions with “Big girls don’t cry,” she was left feeling isolated and alone.

By this definition of trauma, almost all of us have experienced multiple traumatizing events in our lifetimes. In my case, I had a fairly benevolent childhood, but 12 years of medical training caused me to experience multiple events that meet this criteria for trauma. I also was held up at gunpoint by two masked gunmen in my twenties and had full on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder afterward. Most recently, I was attacked by a pit bull and started having PTSD-like flashbacks right afterward. Knowing what I know about the link between unresolved trauma and physical illness, I wanted to be proactive about healing the trauma right away. I am lucky to have at my fingertips a variety of gifted and ethical healers who treat trauma. I reached out right away and asked for help. The flashbacks stopped and haven’t come back.

Unhealed Trauma Predisposes to Disease

As I wrote about in Mind Over Medicine, there is a substantial amount of data linking mental health issues with physical disease. This is not to suggest “it’s all in your head.” It’s absolutely in your body! It’s simply that the physiological changes that occur in the body as the result of unhealed trauma and its associated stress, anxiety, and depression translates into conditions in the body that make you susceptible to physical ailments. In a landmark 1990 study of 17,421 patients, Kaiser Permanente and the U.S. Centers for Disease Control (CDC) collaborated on the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study, which has resulted in over 50 peer-reviewed scientific articles. Patients were interviewed to determine whether they had experienced any of ten traumatizing events in childhood:

Physical abuse

Sexual abuse

Emotional abuse

Physical neglect

Emotional neglect

Mother treated violently

Household substance abuse

Household mental illness

Parental separation or divorce

Incarcerated household member

The study revealed that traumatizing childhood events are commonplace. Two-thirds of individuals reported at least one traumatizing childhood event. 40% of the patients reported two or more traumatizing childhood events, and 12.5% reported four or more. These results were then correlated with the physical health of the interviewed patients, and researchers discovered a dose-response. Traumatizing events in childhood were linked to adult disease in all categories—cancer, heart disease, chronic pain, autoimmune diseases, bone fractures, high blood pressure, obesity, diabetes, depression, smoking, and suicide. The average age of patients in this study was 57 years old, which means that childhood trauma can have a delayed effect on the body, making it entirely possible that something that happened 50 years ago may be predisposing someone to illness in the here and now. The more Adverse Childhood Events an individual reported, the sicker and more resistant to treatment they were.

The Good News: Trauma Can Be Healed

If you’re someone who checks “yes” to these and many other traumatizing events, you might be feeling anxious right about now. Does this mean that if you’ve experienced trauma in your life, you’re now a ticking time bomb just waiting to get sick? Does it mean that you won’t be healed from your chronic illness? Does it mean the damage is done and it’s too late to undo it?

No no no. That’s not what I’m suggesting at all. The good news is that we now understand that unresolved trauma, whether from childhood or adulthood, can be treated and cured. Such treatment may also have direct effects on physical health.

Psychologists didn’t always know this. They used to believe that children who experienced severe trauma were sort of damaged goods, at risk for many other challenges in adulthood—such as physical and mental illness, addiction, criminal behavior, domestic violence, obesity, and suicide. Such trauma was believed to be largely untreatable. Now, thanks to evolving methodologies for treating trauma successfully, such as Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR), Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), Advanced Integrative Therapy (AIT).

Somatic Experiencing, and Psych-K, we know better. Trauma can be treated, and if you’ve experienced trauma, treatment can be not only preventive medicine but also treatment of disease.

These cutting edge treatments for trauma recognize that talk therapy is inadequate to treat trauma. In fact, it can actually be harmful and retraumatizing, not to mention ineffective. When traumatized people are asked to replay the trauma through talk therapy, they often dissociate from their bodies, escaping into a safe witness consciousness, where they discuss the trauma from this disembodied, numbed out witness position, since that’s what they had to do to cope during the initial trauma. The newer trauma treatments make use of the understanding that trauma can only be truly healed when you stay in your body while addressing the often overwhelming emotions that accompany trauma, titrating your exposure to the trauma in small doses so as not to disembody and dissociate. Newer techniques for treating trauma often require very little talking, are careful to avoid retraumatizing, and can be very effective, quick, and permanent—with surprising and exciting effects not just on mental health, but on physical health, especially for those recalcitrant conditions that fail to respond to even the best Western or alternative medical treatment.

To Treat Disease, We Must Normalize and Treat Trauma

We know from copious data studying war veterans with PTSD in VA hospitals that, without any doubt, trauma and illness are linked. Yet in spite of all the solid scientific data linking trauma and disease, conventional Western medicine still tends to turn a blind eye to this strong correlation, and many patients are also resistant to considering treatment of trauma as part of a prescription for a healthy body. When was the last time your doctor told you to get treatment for your trauma as part of your cancer therapy, autoimmune disease, or heart disease? If you were asked to get trauma treatment as part of comprehensive, integrative medical therapy, how would you react? In my experience, even very progressive integrative medicine doctors rarely bring this up. Instead of focusing on drugs or surgery, they point you to a healthier diet, an herbal supplement, or a whole bunch of expensive functional medicine laboratory tests that aren’t usually covered by insurance.

But what if no drug, surgery, diet, supplement, or fancy lab test can cover up the ongoing, toxic effects of unhealed trauma on the body?

What if everything else is merely a Band-Aid, perhaps providing temporary relief but never fully healing the root cause that makes you vulnerable to illness over and over?

What if trauma is at the root of many illnesses in many patients, and until we treat it, even the most cutting edge medical technologies may fail to fully work?

Perhaps the block around treating trauma as part of a comprehensive medical treatment plan lies in the stigma many attach to trauma, as if it’s some sort of weakness to have survived a traumatizing event. I suspect that much of the resistance stems from shame about the traumatizing events, which is why the work sociologist Brené Brown, PhD is doing around shame and vulnerability is so important. If shame causes us to bury our trauma in a trauma capsule that we never touch, that trauma can turn into cancer. But if we cultivate shame resilience and we’re brave enough to be vulnerable and get help entering the trauma capsule, miraculous effects are possible. After all, there is absolutely no rational reason to be ashamed if you were sexually abused or abandoned or beaten or neglected. There need not be any shame around getting attacked or bullied or shamed or surrounded by war. Yet shame spirals are common, especially among children who are traumatized. Young psyches somehow translate the trauma into a story that we’re not good enough, or we are weak or unlovable.

Yet children are innocent, as are most adults who are traumatized. At the most basic level, it is our innocence that suffers the brunt of the wound, which means that our innocence needs our compassion and our nurturing, not our inner bullying, shaming, or self-violation. Human life is hard. We have to feel our pain and own up to it in order to heal it and alchemize it into soul growth. But even the most awakened people cannot typically bear to enter into the trauma capsule without loving, supportive, masterful help.

What If Science Can’t Keep up with the Cutting Edge of Sacred Medicine

When I keynoted at the Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology (ACEP) conference last month, I met a handful of cutting edge Energy Psychology practitioners, and after a series of synchronicities made it clear we were supposed to get to know each other better, I spent eight hours talking to one of these Energy Psychology practitioners in depth as part of my research for Sacred Medicine. Like many of the individuals I’ve interviewed for my upcoming Sacred Medicine book, Asha Clinton, PhD is a Jungian psychologist, mystic healer, and longtime spiritual practitioner of first Buddhism and then the Sufi tradition. Asha created Advanced Integrative Therapy (AIT) and has trained over 2000 practitioners in this Energy Psychology technique. What drew me to Asha and AIT was not only the vastness of her presence, but the fact that she is using AIT to treat cancer. Although the methodologies used in AIT appear to be quite cognitive, left brain, and rational, it was clear to me right away that something mystical was underlying this treatment. While most of the other Energy Psychology techniques are being used to treat trauma as it applies to mental health conditions, Asha created protocols that she and other health practitioners are using as part of the prescription for people with cancer—and the great news is that, for those who are ready for this kind of deep psycho-spiritual work, results are promising.

Part of what drew me to Asha was that she wasn’t trying to sell me with pseudo-science or earn my validation with muddy data. Although many people at this conference used a lot of scientific language to try to explain what happens when patients are treated with energy healing and energy psychology techniques, I often start to glaze over when people talk about quantum physics and use language that sounds like “pseudo-science” to try to gain acceptance in the world of science. Frankly, I am concluding that science is simply not advanced enough to keep up with the cutting edge of medicine, and no amount of trying to fit spiritual healing into a science box is going to satisfy the scientist in me. Perhaps science will catch up, and it’s important that we continue to try to study that which can be studied in order to protect us from the charlatans of the world. But to dismiss a particular phenomenology something simply because science can’t fully explain it seems irresponsibly ignorant. Holding this paradox of my desire for scientific proof and my openness to that which cannot yet be proven is a challenging edge for me, but one I am holding with greater fluidity as I continue this Sacred Medicine journey. From what I can garner, there is not yet scientific verification that AIT works to treat cancer, but there are a number of very compelling anecdotes, enough to hopefully attract the attention of scientists who might be able to track outcomes, much as Dawson Church and his colleagues are doing to validate the more mainstream Energy Psychology technique EFT.

The Healing Comes from the Divine

Part of my resistance around “energy healers” who try to use the language of energy to explain how their treatments work is that it feels almost disrespectful to that which is doing the healing. Is it really just yet another rational, scientific treatment? Or is it God? (Not that science-based, technologic treatments aren’t also God, but that’s a whole other blog post.) The reason I’m calling my book Sacred Medicine is because I don’t think it’s possible to separate energy healing modalities or traditional healing practices like shamanism from spirituality. I would even go so far as to say that Love Itself lies at the root of the healing.

Asha’s work felt like a good fit for this book because right from the get-go, Asha was blatant about saying that AIT is Divine work, that the protocols she has been mystically given in order to create AIT are a gift from God. She is fittingly humble in the way she gives credit where credit is due. The technique she has midwived into the world strikes me as very similar to the way some of the mystical healers who I’ve interviewed operate, but what attracts me to AIT is that Asha has learned how to teach this.

One of the challenges I’ve faced in researching my Sacred Medicine book is that many of these Sacred Medicine practitioners cultivate dependency. They don’t teach the patient how to heal themselves. Instead, they often leave the patient feeling like they need yet another hands on healing or yet another trip to John of God or yet another boost of Divine love as it flows through the healer. And often, the effects of the healing treatment don’t seem to last. What interests me is whether we can learn something from these healers that we can practice on ourselves when we are sick, such as the techniques I described here and used on myself when I was bitten by the pit bull.

After all, if the message is always, “You need to find something outside of yourself in order to heal,” I have to pause and wonder. Other than having fewer side effects, how is dependency on a mystical healer any different than depending on drugs and surgeries, or supplements and magic potions? I am more interested in learning from the healers who have reverse engineered what they do enough to teach others how to reproduce their results and ideally even teach the patient how to employ these methods at home. Is this possible? I don’t know. So far, I think it’s a paradox. The body is physiologically equipped to heal itself, but perhaps it can’t do it alone. Maybe this deep inner work is just too scary and painful to navigate alone. Maybe we are dependent, at least for a short while, on the loving presence of someone who can channel Divine Love, while facilitating and holding space so that the body can heal itself.What is Advanced Integrative Therapy?You can read the details about AIT here, but to summarize in my understanding, the technique Asha developed uses the scientifically controversial “muscle testing” (kinesiology) to run through very detailed protocols that help the practitioner assess which damaging beliefs and unhealed traumas the client has experienced, and which beliefs and traumas need to be treated in which order in order to optimize outcomes. The technique screens not only for Adverse Childhood Events or traumatizing events in adulthood, but also for generational trauma, such as the trauma descendants of Nazi Germans or Holocaust Jews might experience, which can alter DNA in offspring. Based on the premise that all upsetting events are types of trauma, and that if left untreated, they become stored within the body, mind and spirit/soul, the intention of AIT is to quickly remove the after effects of such traumatic events and clear the residue of the trauma, as it shows up as disturbing emotions, limiting beliefs, self-sabotaging behaviors, compulsions, obsessions, dissociation, spiritual blockage, and yes . . . (She had me at hello) . . . physical illnesses like cancer.

To make the claim that a psychological and spiritual treatment could be used to treat cancer treads on dangerous legal territory, and Asha is careful with her words when she talks about it. The governing medical boards are very fussy about protecting patient safety—and their turf—by going after anyone they might deem to be “practicing medicine without a license.” If a nutritionist claims that her green juice cleanse can help treat cancer, or if a psychologist or spiritual healer claims that his can, they’re at risk of getting shut down by the Powers That Be. While I’m grateful we have governing boards to protect patient safety and to hold medical practitioners to high levels of ethics, integrity, and mastery of skills, I also find it shocking that we’ve forgotten what healers have known for millennia—that psycho-spiritual healing is probably the most effective, lasting, and restorative treatment of the majority of physical diseases. To suggest that a trained and licensed psychotherapist might be practicing medicine without a license if they suggest that psycho-spiritual treatment might help treat disease seems like blasphemy to me! After all, the CDC estimates that 75% of all doctor’s visits are induced by emotional stress, and Occupational Health and Safety bumps that number up to 90%. Sure, there are some illnesses that need highly effective physical treatments, such as antibiotics or surgery. But it is often psychological issues that weaken the immune system and predispose to infection or surgical issues in the first place! (Read Mind Over Medicine if you want to nerd out on the science behind all this.)

The Link Between Psycho-Spiritual Wounds & Physical Illness

As part of my research for Sacred Medicine, I’m traveling the globe to work with shamans in Peru, Qigong masters from China, Hawaiian kahunas, Yogi Swamis, and other kinds of traditional healers, and they all know that psycho-spiritual trauma rides shotgun with physical illness. It’s only Westerners, in our Cartesian arrogance, who have split body, mind, and spirit/soul. Yet we are waking up again and remembering what traditional healers have known all along, that body, mind, and spirit/soul cannot be separated. If we treat the body without also treating the root cause of what predisposed the body to illness, the patient will likely get another illness, or the cancer will recur, or the disease will fail to respond to even the most aggressive treatment.

If You’ve Experienced Trauma, What Can You Do to Heal It?

If you’re looking to optimize your physical health by getting help for any unresolved traumas, there are a number of ways to get help. Start by checking in with yourself. What modality resonates with your intuition? Is it AIT? EFT? EMDR? Somatic Experiencing? Shamanic healing? Faith healing? A Native American Medicine Man?

I recommend doing your homework and tuning into your intuition before you choose a practitioner. If your practitioner is a licensed health care provider, like a medical doctor or psychotherapist, they are beholden to their respective medical board with regard to ethics, education, mastery, and continuing medical education. But the minute you go outside the system into the realm of traditional healers and energy medicine practitioners who don’t also have licensed degrees, you open yourself to two kinds of risks. Some practitioners have mastery but no ethic, while others have ethic but no mastery. In other words, you may bump into some highly gifted healers, but they may not follow even the most basic medical ethics, such as confidentiality, informed consent, and restraint from having sexual relations with clients. Even more common are the people who are kind, well-intentioned people trying to be of service, people who are basically ethical and mean well, but they’re simply not good at what they do and cannot reproduce trustworthy results. In my research into Sacred Medicine, I have concluded that just because someone has spiritual power doesn’t mean they have spiritual ethic. And just because someone has spiritual ethic doesn’t mean they have spiritual power. (I talked about this for 3 ½ hours in The Shadow Of Spirituality Uncensored class I taught. You can listen to the class here to dive deeper into the topic of spiritual discernment).

I don’t say this to scare you or cause you to hesitate to get help if you’ve been traumatized. I’m just advising that you activate your discernment, ask for referrals, and be ready to sniff out those who are trying to hook you with big claims they can’t follow through on or those who might be full on black magicians dressed up in white angel robes.

If you feel drawn to modalities like AIT, EFT, EMDR, or Somatic Experiencing, there are resources online to guide you to psychotherapists who have been trained to practice these techniques.

Imagine If Doctors Were Trained to Treat Trauma Alongside Disease

Doctors and other health care providers have been exploring exactly these kinds of issues in the Whole Health Medicine Institute that I founded. Those who have been certified to facilitate the 6 Steps to Healing Yourselfas outlined in Mind Over Medicine have gone through the 6 Steps themselves and have been trained to help facilitate patients who are exploring these kind of psycho-spiritual root causes of illness. (You can find a list of graduates here). But we’ve never overtly included into the training how to treat trauma directly. Asha and I are putting our noodles together to feel into whether there’s a potential for collaboration so that the doctors in my network might be trained to not only have awareness of these new treatments for trauma so that they can refer out to licensed practitioners. Perhaps they might also get certified to treat trauma directly. This bypasses the issue of “practicing medicine without a license” and opens up the potential for a whole new approach to disease treatment and prevention within our medical systems. Of course, there are other obstacles to this potential merging of worlds, including how little time doctors have to spend with patients. But as Tosha Silver would say, “It’s impossible that doctors could be trained to help treat unhealed trauma in sick people . . . without God.”

If You’ve Been Traumatized, Please Get Help

Let me just close by saying that if you’ve experienced trauma in your life and you sense that it might be predisposing you to illness or interfering with medical treatment, please know that you are not alone and that there is no shame in having experienced trauma. Most of us have trauma in our bodies, minds, and spirit/souls. We are not alone in our traumas, and we need not hide our pain or resist treating it. Trauma can be cured, and you can have your radiant, vital life back, if only you have the courage to enter the trauma capsule—with expert guidance—and begin to let the trauma dissolve its grip on your life and your body.

Everyone is entitled to their own journey, so it’s also OK if you’re not ready yet. As my mentor Rachel Naomi Remen, MD says, “You can’t force a rosebud to blossom by beating it with a hammer.” Maybe all you can handle today is admitting, “I have trauma.” That is enough for now. Be kind to yourself. As Karen Drucker sings in her song”Gentle With Myself,” “I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me is free to go.” But perhaps by gently loving the slowest part, some day you will be ready to heal. Maybe that day begins right now.

With love and wishes for your optimal health,

Lissa Rankin, MD, New York Times bestselling author of Mind Over Medicine, The Fear Cure, andThe Anatomy of a Calling is a physician, speaker, founder of the Whole Health Medicine Institute, and mystic. Passionate about what makes people optimally healthy and what predisposes them to illness, she is on a mission to merge science and spirituality in a way that not only facilitates the health of the individual, but also uplifts the health of the collective. Bridging between seemingly disparate worlds, Lissa is a connector, collaborator, curator, and amplifier, broadcasting not only her unique visionary ideas, but also those of cutting edge visionaries she discerns and trusts, especially in the field of her latest research into “Sacred Medicine.” Lissa has starred in two National Public Television specials and also leads workshops, both online and at retreat centers like Esalen and Kripalu. She lives in the San Francisco Bay area with her daughter. She blogs at LissaRankin.comand posts regularly on Facebook.

Source – LissaRankin.com

[THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN BY THE MINDSJOURNAL]

[prodicalviews]

I’ll title this fic ‘Us’ unless I come up with something better.  I always wanted to do a slow burn, but my smutty mind always said ‘no don’t do that. go write smut’.  Now I've got the opportunity to narrate a friendship between Rick and Michonne at a pure and innocent stage then into adulthood.  I guess I want to know yall thoughts on it so far.  Now, I'm not going to post the rest anytime soon, id like to complete one of the two fics I'm working on before that. 

 But thanks for all the support I get.  It means a lot, especially when i get discouraged.  all the little words remind me why I like writing even though I make mistakes and errors.  I'm not the best.

btw Issa excerpt :

Us

 New best friend

My fingers gripped the handle of my pink tricycle.  I shook my head furiously, trying to run away from my father’s words.  

“Michonne, you have to come off that bike!”  He shouted when I kept peddling.  My feet pushed down on the pedals as hard as I can.  But his legs were longer.  He was faster.  

“Noooo!”  I shouted the minute I felt his hands grab my waist. I didn’t want to meet the stupid neighbors.  I wanted to stay on the bike.  Me and Sasha always rode our bike’s in the grass.  My lips curled down when I thought about my best friend.  I didn’t want any new neighbors, I hated them already. Last night I wrote it in my diary, it was already written, therefore it was concrete.  

My legs kept flailing around in my father’s clutch.  “Michonne, stop it.”  He scolded but I knew where he was taking me.  I didn’t want to go.  I had already thrown the frilly white socks in the trash the minute my mother laid it on the bed for me.  She also took out a bushy blue dress.  I threw that away too.

I pierced my lips when my dad opened the back door; he sat me on the high chair in our kitchen then stretched his back out.  “You’re getting too damn heavy for this.”  He muttered.  I made a mental note to tell mom he said a bad word.

“Jeff!  Did you get her inside?”  My mother’s voice echoed loudly, traveling downstairs.  

“Yeah!”  He shouted back.  I wanted him to leave so I could run back outside and peddle on my bike. Sometimes he was my king the next he was just a big bully.  He regarded me after hearing me huff loudly.  “Fix your face, Michonne.”  My scowl deepened further.  I crossed my arms in anger.

“I’m telling mom on you.” He looked at me in confusion.  He was already dressed down in that monkey suit he always wore.

“Tell me what?”  My mother came downstairs; her hands were busy fixing her earrings.  When she came into the kitchen she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me.

“Michonne where are your clothes?”  She questioned then rushed over to my side.  I needed her to be mad at daddy.  Not me.

“Daddy said a bad word.” I pointed at him.  “He said ‘damn’!”   My father twisted his head at me.  

“Never mind that. Michonne what did you do with your clothes?”  I looked down at the mud on my white shorts, then up to my sweaty ‘tweety bird’ shirt and shrugged.

“Let me tell you, it’s in the trash is where it’s at.”  I glared at my father for tattle tailing on me.

“Michonne,” She admonished. “You’re going to get upstairs and put something on.  Whatever you put on is what you’re leaving out this house with.”  My mother reached the other ear, securing the backing of her earing.  She tossed her long locs off her shoulders then pulled me off the high chair.

“You spoil that girl. She’s just going to wear jeans. You know that’s what she wants.”  

“If it makes her comfortable then why not?”

“This is a ‘formal’ welcoming party, I don’t need to repeat myself, Linda.  Just make her wear something decent, I’ll be waiting in the car.” He said before stomping out the room.

My mother rolled her eyes and pierced her lips.  “That was the second dress Michonne.”  She took my hand leading me upstairs to my room.  

“I don’t want to go.” I admitted when she started rummaging through my closet.  The back of her head was shaking and she spun around with a frilly dress in her hand. It was worse than the last one I threw in the garbage.

“Why?  I thought you wanted  a new friend since Sasha left.”  I raised my arms above my head and let her pull the ‘tweedy bird’ shirt over my head.  She was being careful not to mess up the locs she retwisted earlier.  

“I already have friends. I have Abe, Maggie and Morgan.”  I told her.

“Well, maybe this one can be your new best friend.”  My nose bunched up at the thought of replacing Sasha.  

“I don’t want a new friend! Sasha will always be my friend.” I cried.

“Awe, Michonne.”  Her hand cupped my face and her thumbs wiped the tears from my cheeks.  “You’ll always have Sasha.  Didn’t you two make a promise?”  I nodded against her hands.  “And what was that?”

“We’d write letters but it’s not the same.”  I argued. “She’s the only one that played with me. You don’t let me play with Maggie, Morgan or Abe.”  The only time I saw the rest of my friends was at school and sometimes at the park.

“That’s because their houses are too far.”  She told me. Grabbing the white sparkling dress off the bed, she circled her hands around the neck of the dress before slipping it over my head.

“But what if they don’t like me?”  I asked. Mom fixed the dress on my body.  

“I’m sure they’ll like you because I like you.”  She went back to the closet and got out another pair of frilly white socks along with my glossy black shoes.

“But you love me.”  

“Then they’ll love you too. Now hurry put this on before your father has a heart attacked.”  She poked my side making me smile.  “There’s that smile I love so much.”  I took the socks from her and slid them on my feet then jammed the shoes that were a little too tight on after them.  She smiled at me again before leading me downstairs.

I kept fidgeting in the spot between my mother and father.  Everyone from town was here.  I didn’t understand what the big deal was.  I knew Sasha’s house was bigger than mines, and someone else moved into it.  Did that mean they were important?  They had to be, why else would the entire town gather dressed all fancy.   I held onto my mother, my eyes were looking everywhere until they landed on Morgan.  He had on one of those monkey suits on too.  I laughed under my breath.  

Morgan was one year older than me, he was eight yet he acted like he was a grown up.  He probably loved wearing those clothes.  I pulled my mother’s hand trying to get her attention. She stopped her conversation then stared down at me.

“Yes, Michonne?”

“Can I go over to Morgan?” I pleaded; I didn’t want to be around my parents.  They always talked about business and that was boring.

“Where is he?”  I pointed over to him.

She nodded.  “Just don’t get lost, okay?”

‘’Okay.”  I answered already well on my way to Morgan.  I stopped a few feet away from him, he had a hand in his pocket sipping a can of juice like it was beer.  He didn’t notice me and suddenly I had an idea.  I trod around a crowd of people and jumped up behind Morgan who squealed.  The juice in his hand didn’t spill, not one drop landed on him.

“What did you do that for? Michonne?”  He looked angry.  

I just rocked back and forth on my toes.  “I thought you’d drop the juice.”

Morgan made an annoyed noise.  “My Mom would be angry if I messed the suit up.”  His hands brushed the jacket off.  “It’s a rental.”  He said.

“What’s that?  A rental?”

“It’s- I don’t know.”

“It’s when you borrow something but you have to give it back.”  Maggie pitched in.  I jumped and gave her a big hug.  She had Abe towering over her.  

“Yeah, it’s what she said.” Morgan stuttered taking a sip of his juice.

“Hi, Maggie.”  We were both wearing the same shoes when I glanced down at our feet.

“Michonne I love your dress!”  Well, I hated it.  Maggie was the girly type so I was sure she’d love my closet.

“Why are we even here? I got a new BB gun to play with.” Abe wondered aloud.

“You have another BB gun. That’s cool, Mom wouldn’t let me near one.”  Morgan sulked.

Maggie rolled her eyes. “Why do you always talk about boy stuff Abe?”

“Maybe because I’m a boy.”

“We don’t know that, prove it!”  We were all huddled in our own little corner.  The grownups were paying no mind to our bickering.

Abe furrowed his ginger brows, confused.  “How am I supposed to do that?”  Maggie was always pushing someone’s hot button.

“I read one of my dad’s medical books.  So I know how boys are supposed to look down there.”  She said.

“You want me to pull my pants down?  That’s not a good idea.  My dad said I shouldn’t do that, ever.”

“Then how do we know you’re telling the truth?”  Maggie folded her arms.  I shook my head knowing this wouldn’t end well.  It wasn’t the first time Abe was challenged by Maggie.  One time we were around the ‘big’ slide and she bet her juice box Abe couldn’t slide down head first.  Everyone knew it was dangerous.  There was a deep drop at the end of the slide that always hurt everyone’s ankles when we hit the floor.  After a kid broke their leg we were told never to go on it again.  Of course, Abe just had to have the juice box.

He broke his arm that day.

“Fine, I’ll do it.”  Morgan looked at Abe in shock.

“I want nothing to do with this.”  He said stalking off with his juice box.  I was starting to side with Morgan on this one.

“Abe you’re dad’s going to beat you if you do that.”  I told him.

“But Maggie-“

“Maggie’s just messing with you.”  Maggie’s was laughing, her hands holding her sides.  “See, she’s just messing with you.”

“Damn it!”  He growled.  

“Ooooh, you said a bad word, Abe.”  Maggie's eyes were wide and my mouth fell open.

“Michonne.”  My skin jumped at my father’s voice.  “There you are girl.”

“Good evening, Mr. Jones.” Abe and Maggie said in union.  

He nodded at them before holding his hand out, I took it.  “Come one I want to introduce you to our neighbors.”  My stomach turned.  I couldn’t protest in such a public setting.  I always had to be on my best behavior.  He pulled me along with him and we got back to a roundtable.  There were six chairs around it.

“Michonne this is Mr. and Mrs. Grimes.”  I looked at the two foreign faces sitting next to my mom.  There was a woman with a friendly smile, she had a pixie cut and I thought it was weird.  Most women around here wore their hair long.  “Michonne, these are our new neighbors.  Mr. Grimes here is also the new Sheriff in town.”

I gave her a smile. “It’s very good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Grimes.”  I told them, my manners kicking in.

Mr. Grimes gave me an amused smile.  His eyes were so blue; it was hard to look away at first.  “Michonne Jones right?”  I nodded.  “This is our son, Rick Grimes.  Rick this is Michonne.”  I didn’t notice the kid sitting quietly at the table.  “I really hope you two get along.”  Rick didn’t even spare a glance in my direction.  He sat straight ahead with a blank look on his face.  He couldn’t even look me in the eyes.

I frowned, deciding I already hated him.  Dad rubbed my shoulders and pulled out the chair next to Rick.  “Have a seat and get to know Rick, Sheriff and I are going to have a talk.”  I gave him a glare. He really did want me to sit next to the kid.

Rick didn’t turn my way when I took the seat beside him.  So I just stared at the side of his face.  What else was I supposed to do?  His hands were entwined in his lap; he kept tugging at the cuffs of his shirt. “Hi, Rick.”  I said because I didn’t have anyone else to talk to.  My parents were already deep in their conversation with his and I couldn’t just walk off to find my other friends.  

He stopped tugging on his cuffs and I noticed there was a swab of cotton in his ear.  “Oh,” He sounded surprised at how close my voice was. Then he finally turned towards me.

His eyes were blue too. It was really blue, like his dad’s. “I’m sorry; I wasn’t paying attention,”  he told me. I looked at his smooth pale complexion and took in the short curls of his hair.  He held his hand out.  “Hi, I’m Rick.”   I shook his hand feeling weird all of a sudden.

“I know that.  I’m Michonne.” I pointed to the cotton in his ear. “What’s wrong with your ear?”

“Oh, that?  I have an ear infection, or at least that’s what mom tells me.”

“How is cotton supposed to help with that?”  Rick shrugged.

“I don’t know.”  He looked at me again.  “How old are you, Michonne?”

“I’m seven; I’ll be eight at the end of the year.”

“That’s Christmas.”  I nodded, hating him a little less.  “Do you have to choose between Christmas and birthday presents?”

“I do.  Mom usually buys me stuff for my birthday but dad always says she spoils me.”

“I think I like your mom. I’m eight by the way.  My dad never gets me anything for Christmas. Mom usually sneaks me stuff though.” Why would his dad do that to him? I glared at his dad over the table.

“Maybe I’ll get you something for Christmas.  If we’re friends that is.”  

He gave me a wide look. “I’d like that, for us to be friends, that is.”  

“Then it’s settled. We’re friends.”  When I got home I guess I’d have to cross out ‘hate the neighbors’.  

We talked about everything from that moment on.  He told me about his best friend he left, Shane.  I told him about Sasha.  I admitted that I was going to hate him and he laughed at me.  I didn’t know exactly why he laughed.  Rick told me that he didn’t like spiders or chocolate bars.  After he said that I started second guessing my dislike for him.  But we made back up when he said he loved strawberry ice cream.  It was a favorite of mine.  

Mom might’ve been right, maybe I made a new best friend after all.