#got covid that made me feel like shit for two weeks

[uniivrz]

mic'd up

katie mccabe x reader

+ summary: reader, still on the acl squad, has been approached by the arsenal media staff asking if she'd go mic'd up in the stands for one of arsenal's games.

+ warnings: ACL injury mentions right off the bat. swearing. made up game (arsenal v tottenham). reader really embracing the WAG life.

a/n: i came across a video of katie during one of the covid matches, and due to the empty stadium you could hear everything she said— and that's where i got this idea :) my first post, hope you enjoy!

like any other football player, you hated the dreaded three letters that would take whoever was the unlucky soul out of the game for a long while.

of course it had always been a fear in the back of your mind, you just never thought it would actually happen to you.

that day you went down on the pitch had been one of the worst. not just for you, but for katie as well as the rest of your arsenal team.

everything had been fine. arsenal was up by two, and half time had just ended. it was around the 52nd minute, when a purposely bad tackle from a chelsea player left you on the ground, clutching your knee as you attempted to keep the tears at bay. (only to fail).

some time later you were holed up in one of the physio rooms of the stadium, when katie came in, the look on your face confirming her worst fear.

honestly, it was getting quite scary how many arsenal players were getting ACL injuries.

she had been by your side for all of it, constantly making sure you were comfortable and had everything you needed, as well as driving you to and from appointments.

the downside meant you weren't able to travel with the team for away games, forcing yourself to be holed up in your flat you shared with katie— often inviting the rest of the ACL squad over to watch the game together, knowing you'd be insufferable on your own.

luckily for you, today was a home game. you woke up before katie that morning, hobbling down the stairs on your good leg, (and nearly eating shit in the process), you'd prepared her a proper breakfast, consisting of pancakes, bacon, & eggs.

the brunette soon appeared in the kitchen behind your unsuspecting frame, an adoring smile crossing her face at the sight of you lightly nodding your head to whatever song came from the speaker on the marble counter.

nearly jumping out of your skin at the feeling of two strong arms wrapping around your waist, your body relaxed as you registered the familiar feeling of katie, her arms clad in her arsenal training jacket.

you leaned into her touch as you finished up with the bacon, her thick irish accent rang through your ears as her nose brushed against your neck gently. "you should not be on your feet,"

rolling your eyes fondly, you forced yourself to suppress a smile. ever since your injury, katie had been treating you as if you were a porcelain doll— going to break at the slightest touch.

while sometimes it became a little overbearing, it warmed your heart for her to be this protecting with you, and you wouldn't trade it for the world.

"i was cleared to walk without my crutches, katie," your giggled, relishing in the ticklish feeling of her light breathing against the back of your neck.

"still. ya should have waited for me." she murmured. "i could have carried you down here."

you rolled your eyes once again.

for the first few weeks/months of your injury, she had insisted on carrying you everywhere. from the bed to downstairs, from the front door to the car. no matter where it was— she wanted to carry you. wether it was bridal style, your legs wrapped around her waist, or giving you a piggy back, she didn't care.

after breakfast was finished, you rushed back up to change. you settled on one of katie's hoodie's, along with her jersey which you threw on top, and a pair of her sweatpants. nearly everything you wore was hers.

when you'd returned downstairs, she grinned widely at the sight of you dressed in her attire, and couldn't restrain herself from letting her hands roam your body as you shoved your feet into some sneakers.

"oi hands off, mccabe."

the ireland captain chuckled, tapping your rear end before you stood back up, sending you a cheeky wink when you glared at her.

arriving at the emirates with your personal chauffeur, the two of you made your way through the grounds, greeting any staff members you'd passed by and waving to the media staff as you each made your way toward your separate destinations.

you had a brief session with a physio to assure everything was still fine and dandy with your knee, whereas katie was heading off toward the locker room with the others.

as you left your meeting 15-ish minutes later, you had been wandering the halls when you were stopped by one of the media staff, claiming they had a task for you.

since you were going to be in the stands again, they had asked if you would go mic'd up, thinking it'd be a fun video idea for arsenal's youtube channel.

you agreed quickly, thrilled at the idea. they had informed you that there would be a camera a little ways away from you, to capture your reactions in both your voice as well as your actions.

one of the members clipped a small square microphone device to the collar of your (katie's) jersey, as another member held a camera and recorded your actions.

Youtube

Y/N L/N MIC'D UP • ARSENAL V TOTTENHAM

Arsenal 578K views 6:38

0:00

[Camera fades in from black to show you, stood in one of the many corridors of the Emirates Stadium.]

grinning, you gripped your shirt and pulled it closer, "we've got mccabe! katie mccabe! can you hear me?" you asked, looking into the camera that was recording you.

[Laughter is heard around you before the scene cuts and fades into a brief black screen. When it returns, the camera is unfocused, going in an out before focusing on you, looking at the camera as you don't realize it's recording.]

"is it going?" you asked with a dopey smile, the cameraman behind you nodding. "right. hi, i'm y/n l/n and today i'll be mic'd up as i watch tonight's game." you giggle, pointing at the microphone clipped to your shirt before you make your way toward your seat.

[Camera follows you down the hall before cutting to you sat with Beth, Viv, and Leah, the former two sat in the row below you. You pull a small, barely noticeable box out of your pocket. The camera zooms in on your hand, revealing the box is actually a miniature uno deck.]

"i know how we can pass the time," you grin micheviously.

0:45

[Camera cuts to the four of you playing uno, Beth and Viv swiveled in their seats to face you and Leah above them. It catches Leah attempting to peek at your cards before you shove her head away, the scene then switching to a new clip of the four women arguing.]

"absolutely not, beth cheated!" leah yells, hands dropping dramatically onto her thighs with a loud smack.

"you fucking wish! you just suck williamson!"

[Viv is seen trying to keep the peace as you laugh loudly, the four of you gaining looks from surrounding match watchers— only for them to look away at the sight of four of arsenal's own. Your laughter becomes louder as Leah slams her tiny cards aggressively onto your thigh, folding her arms and leaning back in her chair with a pout.]

"oh, cheer up captain," you pout mockingly, reaching to pinch her cheeks between your fingers.

1:02

[Camera cuts to the teams walkout, briefly showing Katie McCabe before turning back to you, a large grin on your face, never failing to leave.]

"that's my girl!" you shout, hands cupped around your mouth to make yourself louder. "let's go number fifteen!"

1:39

[Cuts to you leaned back in your seat with your arms folded. An amused look is on your face as you shake your head. Camera pans to the big screen as Katie's name is shown, a yellow card next to it.]

"it's been like thirty minutes and she already has a card," you giggle to yourself before sighing fondly, a gentle smile on your face. "that's my girl."

2:06

[Different camera shows Katie sliding her foot in front of a Tottenham player, successfully and cleanly retrieving the ball from her feet before panning to you with your elbows propped up on your knees, head resting in your hands.]

"oh my god, she's so hot." you sighed absentmindedly, momentarily forgetting about those surrounding you and the microphone attached to your collar.

[Beside you, Leah bursts out laughing, the sound picking up through your mic as the blonde discretely turning to the cameraman who has now directed it toward her, pointing at you before fake wretching.]

3:21

[Camera shows you jumping up out of your seat, annoyance clear on your face as your hands are perched on your hips.]

"oh, come the fuck on! that's so clearly a foul!"

4:38

[During halftime, the camera follows as the four of you briefly leave your seats to join the girls in the locker room. The cameraman does not enter, only filming the door, however you can be heard from inside.]

"north london is what?!"

"north london is red!" an irish voice answers you.

"hell yeah it is!" you reply, then followed by the sound of palms smacking against each other.

another voice cuts in, "alright, simmer down you two!"

"oi! put her down, she's fragile!"

4:50

[Camera cuts to you stood with your hands on Katie's shoulders, giving her your usual half time pep talk, brushing stray fly-aways out of her face as she smiles at you. The sound is cut off, so the viewers can only see the motion of both players' lips moving as you speak to each other, the final thing being Katie moving toward you, scenes changing just before any PDA is shown.]

5:47

[Camera pans from Katie running around the pitch celebrating, arms in the air and then back to you, the four Arsenal players chanting together, you being the loudest and most enthusiastic of the four.]

"we've got mccabe! katie mccabe! i just don't think you understand! she plays out on the wing! she hits it with a zing! we've got katie mccabe!"

6:25

[Video closes out with you and Katie stood outside of the stadium, her arm wrapped around your shoulder as you do the outro.]

"that was me mic'd up, i hope i was entertaining enough for you all. thanks for watching." you grin shyly, waving with both hands. "leave a comment if you think katie should get mic'd up next."

[Katie laughs before kissing your cheek affectionately, the brunette waving bye with her free hand before the video fades to black.]

Instagram Posts

ynln

Liked by victoriapelova and 51,094 others

ynln Watch me go Mic'd Up as I watch Arsenal Women's recent match against Tottenham!

Video is out now on the Arsenal Youtube Channel and the Arsenal Instagram Account!

— view all comments

katie_mccabe11 It's a good one 😉

⤿ bethmead_ We know why you think that 🙄

username petition to get yn mic'd up again, sign here

⤿ username signed

⤿ username signed

⤿ ynln signed

leahwilliamson Alternate title, YN thirsting over Katie for 6 minutes straight 🤢

⤿ katie_mccabe11 Jealous are we, Williamson?

Twitter/X

ynsmccabe that new video arsenal posted of y/n l/n is now my favorite thing

⤿ the clip of her and katie in the hall OMG

⤿ mccardlover no because they literally the only couple ever

⤿ meadema99 leah getting upset over beth cheating in uno after she literally tried to look at y/n's cards 😭😭

username pls the amount of bleeps they had to add to this video because of yn 😭

⤿ username never heard someone curse so many times in 6 minutes

katiespelova oh i need more mic'd up videos with the rest of the team now

username if my relationship isn't like katie's and yn's i don't want it

[sturniololoco]

I KNOW YOURE CLEANING OUT YOUR INBOX BUT I WAS THINKING AFTER THE TRIPLETS NEW VID TODAY

SLS where reader and chris are the only two who dont test positive for covid, so they have to hunker down in chris’ room together. except, her and chris arent as close as her and nick and her and matt, so they disagree and argue a bit before they make up and bond <33

Covid

Sturniolo Little sister (SLS) x The Sturniolo Triplets

Warnings: Sick, language, fighting, etc.

SLS/N's POV

Nick got covid right after last week's Friday video, then passed it on to Matt, so they both have to quarantine by themselves. Chris and I were still standing though, but now we had to quarantine together in his room, in the hope of avoiding the sickness.

"Hey, guys. As you know Nick got covid and now Matt has it now. So I'm stuck with this goofball until they all feel better," Chris said to the vlog.

I rolled my eyes and stuck my AirPods in my ears, not wanting to put up with his shit at the moment.

Chris and I aren't as close as I am with Matt and Nick. I'm not sure why though, I guess I just drift to people who aren't annoying little grimlins every time you try and talk to them.

-

It was finally dark outside and it was time for bed. after a day of hearing Chris talk and talk and talk into a camera has made my head began to throb.

But I wasn't going to bed anytime soon.

Chris was playing fortnight with Matt right now, and being extremely loud while doing it, banging on the table and screaming our strings of cuss words.

I walk over to his closet, yawning, pulling out one of his fresh Love hoodies and throwing it on, leaving the hood on. I snuggle under Chris's covers, getting warm, and being so tired that I fell fast asleep in the middle of my brothers bed, even with him screaming in the background.

Chris's POV

"Alright man, I'm tired as fuck. I'm signing off." I heard Matt say through my headset. I told him I loved him, then turned off my PC.

After throwing on some sweats and a sleep shirt, I walk over to my bed, ready to crash.

But I stop once I see SLS/N laying in the middle, snuggled up in one of my hoodies that was too big for her.

I couldn't help but thinking how adorable she looked, snapping a picture then sending it to Matt and Nick.

I eventually came to the conclusion that I was just gonna lift her really fast. I snaked my arms up under her and picked her up bridal style before laying down with her in my lap.

As I pulled the blankets up, I hear her mumble something incoherent in her sleep, snuggling close into my chest. I wrap my arms around her, drifting to sleep myself.

SLS/N's POV

I woke up this morning to the pounding headache that hadn't gone away over night like I hoped. I opened my back pack full of things I brought from my room and pulled out my emergency bottle of Tylenol, I climbed back into bed, popping two in my mouth.

Chris was still asleep, but I really wanted to snuggle up into his warmth like last night. I don't know why, but it felt so good getting cuddles from him. Probably because we don't hang out enough for me to ever get some on the regular.

I ever so gently lifted his arm, crawling under it before letting it go. I felt him stir as his hand hit the mattress and look up just in time to see him blink the sleep from his eyes.

"Sorry, I didn't mean too wake you up." I mumbled, kind of embarrassed.

"Its fine, I promise. Are you okay?" He asked, probably seeing the squint my face was making due to the throbbing in my head.

I shrugged and told him my head still hurt like a bitch.

"Well why don't you do your covid test then hop in the shower while you wait, The hot water will probably help your head." He said, reaching over to his night stand to grab a new test.

-

I hop out of the shower and change into some sweats and one of Chris's big t-shirts, then immediately go and check my test.

I reads negative, as does the one next to it which I assume is Chris's. I sigh in relief, not wanting to get sick at all.

-

I walk into Chris’s bedroom to see him scrolling on his phone in his bed. l’m surprised when I see him put his phone down and open his arms for a cuddle. I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his torso, the awkwardness only lasting half a second.

“hey sissy?” I hear him mumble quietly into my hair. I hum in response. He clears his throat thickly and I can hear the emotion in his throat.

“I just wanted to say that I’m glad we got to spend this time with you. I love you so so much and that will never change.”

I look up to see a tear fall from his eye, but he quickly whipes it away. I feel my own tears coming and I snuggle up close into his chest.

“That was cringey.” I say, laughing out a sob. He chuckles and wraps his arms around me, squeezing me tight.

@idkwhosnyla @babypat08 @eyelessdemon00 @christopherowensturniolo @sturnsxx @freshloveforthefit @matty443355 @sleepysturnss @emeraldgreenbeautiesstu @sunsetsturniolos @hoesturniolo @x4nd3rsukz @chr1sgirl4life @sstvrnioloo @sturns-posts @chrisstopherfilmed @kylasrealityx @zoeysturnioloooooo @comet235 @islaasblog @sturnioloblogs

[humansofnewyork]

“It was the end of a sixteen-year marriage. I’d just turned 50. I wasn’t young anymore. And I knew what it was like to be single in New York; I didn’t feel equipped to do it again. We started the divorce process a week before the pandemic hit. None of my usual coping mechanisms were available. I couldn’t get a drink with friends, or go to the gym, or go for a run. I was just doing my best to white knuckle through. I’m part of a Facebook Group called ‘Hoo’s Getting Fit,’ for Black UVA Alumni. Normally we post our fitness goals and achievements. But during COVID it became much more about emotional support. It was Bryon that had the idea to do a zoom happy hour after work. I knew him a little. We’d met once during college, at a frat party. We actually still have the photos from that night. His happy hour was well attended. And since we all had this shared college experience, things got intimate pretty quickly. People were sharing personal things: my parents are ill, my child is immunocompromised, my marriage is falling apart. Bryon sent me a personal message after I shared my story. He said: ‘I also know what that’s like, when you think you can love enough for the two of you.’ He was much further along in his divorce process, so our first few phone calls were a lot of me dumping my shit on him. He started checking in on me. We spoke every day, then multiple times a day. He was pretty open from the beginning: ‘I can’t believe anyone would ever leave you. I really want to take you to dinner.’ After nine months he drove up from DC. He’d always had a full beard in our video calls. But he showed up clean shaven. It was a warm summer night. The restaurants had just begun to reopen, so we ate outside at an Italian restaurant. I took a photo of the way he was looking at me. After dinner we took a walk through the West Village. It was a warm summer night. I was wearing a sun dress. He made me feel so feminine. He held my hand. He got me flowers. He walked on the outside of the sidewalk, which I hadn’t seen since my father. It all made me feel so beautiful, and desired, and young again. I felt courted. That’s it. I’d forgotten how that felt: to be courted.”

[fletchingbrilliant]

🌙some wildly cheap commissions!🌙

🙃 for some even wilder reasons 🙃

hey y'all. long post thingie but it's got cute pictures so please check it out

TRANSCRIPT OF POST

hey frens got something kinda somber to talk about. most of you are very aware of the existence of my beautiful fiance and co-creator of basically everything i do. zae and i are getting handfasted (marriage for pagans) in october, and have been living together for about 10 years. in 2021, zae got really fucking sick, and after a few false starts, was diagnosed with a rare for of vasculitis called granulomatosis with polyangiitis, GPA for short. it’s an autoimmune disease that causes inflammation in blood vessels and other tissues, ultimately stopping blood from getting to the parts of the body that need it, affecting many areas, but primarily the respiratory system. while the cause isn’t known, it usually presents in people in their 50’s or 60’s, but complications from a third bout of covid-19 appears to have made it emerge way earlier for our boy. at least, that’s what we think. his case is extremely aggressive, advancing faster than anyone could have expected. in zae’s case, it actually attacked his kidneys first, and then went after his lungs, causing both to threaten shutting down for good. he was extremely anemic and needed a ton of transfusions, narrowly avoiding dialysis, and we spent weeks in the hospital keeping him alive. he was placed on two different kinds of chemotherapy to combat the disorder. he lost his hair, went through even more fatigue and pain on top of what the disease had already put him through, and had to accept a plethora of changes to his life that will last forever. a lot of you out there have harrowing experiences of your own when it comes to chronic and potentially terminal conditions, too, I’m certain. “it’s not fun” is an understatement. though there were a couple of really fucking close calls, zae’s GPA went into remission. his hair grew back fuller and more luscious than it had ever been before. (i later learned these are affectionately referred to as “chemo curls.”) remission for gpa is usually expected to last at least 5 years, potentially up to 20, before any symptoms resurface. but zae’s case was particularly aggressive, so of course he’s not so lucky. he’s relapsing now. his symptoms have been slowly returning, and it’s been decided that he’s going back on chemo. it’s no surprise that this shit is expensive, even with insurance. we’re still paying off the care he received last time because ‘murca. being disabled myself, work has been… let’s call it inconsistent, yeah? yeah, that’s a nice and comfortable thing to call it. no one’s doing well financially these days, so we of course have to get creative. long story short(er), i’m doing a commission special! for the next MONTH, i am offering fast commissions at crazy-low prices to try and help us create a cushion to keep us afloat and relatively comfortable while we begin the chemo process again. there’s several options for a variety of budgets, because i really hate the idea of seeking something for nothing, and i absolutely abhor having to reach out in this way. it makes me feel vulnerable and icky and… i’m sure you all understand that, too. i can’t thank you all enough just for following me, and engaging with mine and zae’s work. it may sound trite, but that really makes a difference to us, especially when we’re dealing with something so painful. so if you can’t or don’t want to partake of the sale, please know that you are still a huge help to us, and we seriously appreciate each and every one of you. like, so fucking much. thanks y’all love, fletch

END TRANSCRIPT

Commission Options:

Flash Sketches: $5USD/character

Comics: $5USD/panel - flat color

Comics: $10USD/panel - shaded color

Screenshot Redraws - $15USD/character (complex bgs, add $20)

all of this is posted with @zaebeecee's knowledge and blessing

please DM me if you're interested in something, and thank you again

more Hungry Games, fic fanart, and Persona stuff coming soon too

[gor3sigil]

Detransition - My Story

[CW for Domestic Abuse, S*xual Abuse, Social Detransition, Misgendering, Alcoholism]

Recently, I watched “I Saw the TV Glow”, and it blew me away.

The ending really made me want to tell a story that happened to me.

Between the end of 2020 until the end of 2021, I detransitionned, mostly socially as I hadn’t started transitionning medically at the time. I did so because of many factors, and I never really wrote about it in details or reflected on it deeply as it was a very hard time for me. But I think that I now have enough hindsight as to why it happened and how it affected me to be comfortable sharing.

So, 2020 was a crazy year for everyone. I was in a T4T poly relationship, living with my partner of almost 5 years and started to go out with another trans dude. Long story short, because this isn’t about this, but I got into a physical altercation with my living partner during quarantine after years of emotional and verbal abuse, financial manipulation and isolation. I had to flee and live with my boyfriend for almost 8 months after leaving. And it was hell on earth.

I tried to not make a big deal out of what happened, but the fact of the matter was I had no place to call home, I was separated from my cat because she couldn’t live with us as my boyfriend’s place was a one room student flat and we struggled to live both of us here, and I had very little money due to not being able to work because of Covid.

What happened next to me leaving was constant harassment for weeks, the people whom I called friends siding with my abusive ex, and I felt so defeated. I couldn’t go back to my local trans community out of fear, and the community that I still had I struggled to trust again. I was supposed to start HRT before Covid hit, but it was cancelled. I got so much shit for just telling my story because so many people treated it as “slander” to accuse a trans woman of abusing me. I had receipts but never showed them, to protect her and myself. While she hurt me, she still was in a vulnerable position and it was out of the question to put her in danger. Let’s just say that I didn’t receive the same treatment in return and got lied about, harassed and bullied by people who thought she could do no wrong.

I started to totally lose trust in the community I used to feel safe in. And one day, I met a cis man. I talked to him, we got a coffee, he invited me to his place later, he got drunk and SAd me.

Two weeks passed, two excruciating weeks during which I felt so far away from everything and everyone, I coped by smoking a lot, I was in a deep dissociative state. I was disgusted, I felt so betrayed, I felt like I had no safe space. I still can’t explain why I did what I did, but after these two weeks, I still had the hoodie he handed me to go home, and I decided to meet him to give it back and talk.

He gaslighted me, using the fact that I was mentally ill to prove that I must have imagined what happened, and I believed him.

Meanwhile, I started getting nasty comments from my boyfriend and his friends for going out with a cis man.

Let me say that again.

My boyfriend was not upset that I was putting myself in danger, that I was starting a relationship with someone who had abused me, that I was in deep distress and not trusting anyone from my community anymore so I basically ran the other way, in the polar opposite way, with someone who treated me like a woman and called my desire for top surgery “mutilation”. What he was the most upset about was that I was going out with a cis man.

I became a running joke.

And when I told him that I had slept with my new boyfriend, he told me that I had “slept with the enemy”.

We had a two weeks break, after which I broke up with him for good. I had my own flat, and I was so fucking traumatized about what had happened with my ex and the vitriol I received for my new relationship that I decided it was enough. I was trying so hard to fit in my local trans community, that barely supported me when I got abused, and now what was left of it shat on me for going out with a cis man, it was the last straw.

For a year, I was having the most isolated relationship I ever had.

J, my new boyfriend, was my world. He told me that I thought I was trans out of fear. That it was a lie. That I just was scared of being abused again so I decided that to become a man was to be safe, but it was not. That all I felt was internalized misogyny I could work on, find my inner feminine self again and be happy as a woman. And I believed him. Oh, how I trusted him. I was not even in my mid twenties yet and he was in his early thirties, he must know better. I started using my deadname and feminine pronouns again. I bought dresses, skirts, even wore make up on occasions.

For a year, I killed myself. Slowly but surely. I was a full blown alcoholic, the relationship was becoming more and more abusive and isolating, I spent most of my time with him, most of the time we were drunk, most of the time things weren’t consensual, and it became my new normal.

I was retraumatizing myself. Relieving things I lived in the past because I felt so betrayed.

I had no friends left, the only one I still had didn’t hear about me until the end of my relationship with J. One time I saw her in the street, I was drunk, and J corrected her when she called me “he”. Said it was “she” now. And I said nothing.

We were in a poly relationship, and after the one year mark, after a few traumatizing hookups with random dudes on Tinder, I found my current partner. And when I started to get treated like I deserved to be, I started to snap back. I started fighting back when J acted out, I started seeing the dark place I was in.

Two things made me realize how bad I had been lying to myself.

The first one was a TikTok trend, the one with the song “My Little Dark Age”. The first time I saw a trans man doing this trend with photos of him being himself, then going back to the closet, and in present times, out. “Just know that if you hide, it doesn’t go away”. I sobbed uncontrollably for hours after seeing it.

The second one was one time, drunk, with my partner, I was telling them about the “time where I was trans”. And I was telling them about binders, and offered to show them how it was when I was wearing it. I had thrown away everything I had related to being trans in a cardboard box. I took it out and put it on. Looked at myself in the mirror. And burst out in tears. My partner hold me while I said in between sobs: “how could I do this to myself ?”, “it feels so right, why does it feels so right ? I though I’d be happy as a woman !”. And I cried and cried and cried.

Two weeks later I changed my name again. 2 months after, I broke up with J.

I wanted to tell this story as a cautionnary one. I know that I failed myself. But I can’t help but think that I was also failed in a way. By my community, by the spaces I was in both online and IRL. I am not blaming the individuals. This isn’t about “detransition”. This is about care.

This is a reminder to care. To be kind.

I don’t regret what happened. It’s part of me now. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder how things would’ve turned out if, instead of making fun of me for going out with a cis man, my then friends would’ve asked me kindly why I decided to go out with him. What changed in my mind between the night he SAd me and now. Or just offered a shoulder to cry on. What would’ve happened if I had been offered support for the trauma I was going through, if I hadn’t been told that in the end, J had won, he “have gotten what he wanted”.

“Why is it always so easy for cis men, to get what they want ?”

And in these statements, I became an object. A “want”. And I think that’s one of the main reason I lost every ounce of trust I had left in people who swore they were on my side and had my back.

You may not understand why people make some decisions. But please, before any politics get involved, remember than whose around you are people. Human. With complicated and sometimes conflicting feelings. Flawed. And worthy of your understanding.

This is about not letting politics and theories make you forget to care for one another, to protect each other, and to be here. It can change everything.

[fuck-customers]

(January 9th, 2024) Does anyone know how to get a general manager at Crapotle fired for being a bully?

There's this GM, Jen, who's quite literally one of the biggest assholes in the world. I worked with her sister first, and her sister was nice, so having to deal with Jen was like absolute whiplash.

She's rude and hostile. She consistently tries to claim I have an attitude with her -- I don't, I'm autistic and on the verge of burnout, I don't have an attitude unless someone gives me attitude first -- and is always finding ways to undermine other workers. When she was promoted to GM, she got transferred to a new store, but on the day she was supposed to be at our store for the last time, she made me come into work, despite me telling her that due to the vaccine booster I was still experiencing symptoms and I didn't feel well. I ended up being sent home.

After about two blissful years, a time period in which we ended up getting workers transferred to our store from Jen's store because she's such a shit manager, our old GM got promoted, and we were told Jen was coming back. Two of my favorite coworkers immediately jumped ship, getting new jobs and leaving within days of her return.

I'm miserable at work. I seem to be the only person she picks on. She berates me in front of customers, she leaves me to handle large lines by myself, and if I don't immediately do a task she wants me to do as soon as she tells me to do it, I get yelled at. I very recently came back to work after being out for almost a week due to catching Covid and being so sick I could barely move, and she's just been rude and condescending the entire time.

I'm trying to squirrel away money so I can move out of state, as my home life isn't sunshine and daisies either, but I don't know how long I can go trying to avoid Jen when I work with her almost every damned shift. I can't drive, and there's nowhere within walking distance that are hiring, so quitting isn't an option. I don't think any complaint I make will be taken seriously, if heard at all, and quite honestly I don't trust any of my coworkers to have my back if I ask for witnesses or help supporting my complaints about Jen. I have no way to record her either. It would essentially be my word against hers, and who would the higher ups believe? Probably Jen.

I already have bad mental health, but it's seriously tanking hard. I've been coming home lately wishing to kill myself just so I don't have to go back to work.

Does anyone have any advice? Or should I just keep my head down and hope for the best?

Posted by admin Rodney.

[whsprings]

when i think about my ed/mental illness history it's so hard to differentiate what treatments helped and what did nothing and what made things worse. my ed started in high school, but it wasn't that bad/I didn't do shit about it until 2019. that year I also moved across the ocean for 5 months and then across the country for another 3. and when I finally tried to get help I was repeatedly told I wasn't thin/sick enough to have an ed. when i did get someone to listen to me and got a formal dx, I was literally run over a week later and spent two weeks hospitalized with seven broken bones. which wasn't traumatic in the slightest 🙃 anyway i leave the hospital (and immediatly go back to school bc i am clinically insane) and get medicated for my mental health and start seeing a therapist/dietitian and my ed just. continuously gets worse. I finally get talked into doing ed iop and the week before i'm supposed to start the world shuts down because of covid. like I remember emailing my therapist in a panic bc I had no idea what I was supposed to do. and to the surprise of absolutely no one, my ed gets worse throughout iop and i end up in res etc etc.

after my second res stay I got put on pristiq and oh boyyyy that shit fucked me up. like uncontrollable emotional volatility, dramatic escalation in sh, my team thought I had bpd, and I came 👌 this close to an attempt.

there's a lot more to the story obviously but idk, was it all the extenuating life circumstances that led to my ed getting worse? was it getting medicated? was it seeing a treatment team and feeling like I needed to prove my sickness to them after being invalidated so many times? was it going to treatment and being around a bunch of other sick people and picking up new bx and ways of comparing myself? if I had never sought help would things have remained mostly manageable like in hs? or would my ed have gotten worse with time anyway? who knows not me!!

all this because I was thinking about being back on naltrexone for a few months (and how I initially fought it bc of the stigma around that particular med as it's usually prescribed to addicts) and coming to the unfortunate conclusion that it may actually be helping?? like sh has been wayyyyy down since starting the med again. but then again, last time I was on it it didn't do shit, so is it the med that helped or is it a better understanding of skills??

you see the problem??

[pastafossa]

The last day of 2023.

And holy shit has it been a chaotic ride, one which you all shared with me, or that's what it feels like!

The Major Moments:

Feb: Cato's cancer diagnosis and discovery of weird mutated cells that likely won't be explained until after he passes away. He's still with me, fortunately! No idea how much time he has left but I'm grateful for every second

April: a small leak in my dining room ceiling turned into a bigger leak which turned into a massive hole in the ceiling, at least it wasn't winter???

May: DD Born Again Photos give us all a goddamn heart attack

May: I FUCKING REACH MY OVERALL 1,000,000 WORD COUNT ON AO3. 🎊 🎉 🎊 Next stop is 1mill for TRT!

June: Went to my first con since Covid! Drove all the way down to Philly to see Charlie Cox, WHICH WAS FUCKING AMAZING, HE HELD THE RED THREAD FOR OUR PHOTO, MY FANFIC DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE, AND I TOLD HIM WHAT DD MEANS TO ME AND HE WAS SO NICE I COULD CRY

June: At that same con, I finally FINALLY got to meet my bff @wonderlandmind4 in person after many many many late nights of chatting, and we just CLICKED like we'd been friends for years, which I should have expected, but still! And then I got to meet a bunch of my readers, too! Best con experience EVER

July: enter Whoops Covid Finally Got Me After 3 Years But Charlie Was Worth It ™

July: Finally dusted off my draft of Pasta's First Dark Fic cause even if my brain was too fuzzy to write, I figured I could edit a bit. And I did! And was pretty happy with the results!

August: Shit Now There's A Long Covid Heart Issue And I Can't Be Seen Until Late November Thanks Covid ®

August: leak in the garage leads to me losing about 65% of all the beautiful, special woods pieces I'd gathered over the course of six years for carving. Within a week I am gifted a huge bin of wood from a kind soul at my local witchy shop

Sept: TRT's 6th anniversary!

Nov: I was slowly getting back into the swing of things, doing a bit of writing in between learning to manage whatever was going on with my heart (which we'll hopefully figure out in January when I get all the results of testing in Jan)

Early Dec, and the worst week of my life: mom got sick. Within one day she went from not feeling good to needing an ambulance. By the next day, she was in the ICU - flu induced double pneumonia that was interfering with her breathing and heart issues. And with one more day, she was put into an induced coma and ventilated, without any of us sure if she'd pull through. They told us she'd likely be under for two weeks, potentially longer even if she made it. The amount of messages and supportive comments I got from all of you, the talks I had with @wonderlandmind4 and @shouldbestudying41, just the general sense of having a community to help me means more than I can ever say as you all helped me through that terrible, horrible moment, even if it was just gently messaging me to remind me to try to eat.

Mid Dec: against ALL odds, Mom was off the ventilator in a week. By week 2, she was out of the ICU. By week 3? Off to the physical rehab center. She was there a grand total of 1 week before she was allowed to come home to finish her recovery. Early December was the worst moment of my life, and yet it was also bookended by the best Christmas of my life even if it was spent at the rehab center, because I got to have my mama back, and hug her and tell her I loved her and make jokes, and now she's home and we've been watching Christmas movies and eating grilled cheeses, and as far as I'm concerned, that's what the holiday is to me: not presents and snow and lights, but this moment, this time with her. 'In all the places you find love, it feels like Christmas.'

In just a few hours for me, it'll be 2024. I have no idea what to expect going forward, or even what to plan for, much less a resolution. I know I want to get back to TRT when mom's a bit better (she still needs a lot of help, understandably). I know there are wood carvings I want make; friends I want to visit; witchy events at my local shop I want to go to. But other than that... who knows? If I'm lucky, things will be calmer than this past year. But even if they aren't, at least I know I have dear friends, all of you, and my family, including Pasta Mama, to help me through it.

Goodbye, 2023. Hello, 2024.

[experiment14-12]

I'm just gonna go on a rant real quick, on

Why 2021 - 2024 are the Worst Years of my Life

TRIGGER WARNING: May contain references of violence, and illness. The reader's discretion is advised.

Ever since March 13th of 2020, about 4 years ago, the world has gone downhill because of the fear of death. The Coronavirus ruined everything. I'll give you my rundown.

In 2020, COVID kicked everyone's ass. The USA was quarantined for two weeks. Toilet paper was vanishing left and right. Everyone stayed home for what seemed like forever.

In 2021, Friday Night Funkin' became the hot new thing. I made two new blogs. I met @oogaboogaspookyman for the first time, and his actions will forever change how I see things, for the better. My boyfriend moved away to another state, so we had to part ways. My negligent sister (she was living with me, my brother and my mom at the time) whom I will call Jessica, has finally moved out of our house. Things were going great for the first 10 months, but then December 5th came. My mom was diagnosed with COVID. Now, WE had to stay home for 2 MORE weeks. My narcissistic sister (who only had 1 kid at the time) whom I will call Karen, stayed with us. Everyone was trapped in their rooms. I had my own, my brother had HIS own, my sister and her son shared one, my mom had her own, you know the drill. It was kind of cool, staying home for 2 weeks, finally having my own room after a decade of sharing one with at least one of my brothers. It felt like I could do anything without anyone looking. We were quarantined, so why not? Once the quarantine was lifted, it was already Christmastime, and we only had a week to shop. After the quarantine was lifted, I felt my first case of derealization. Words cannot describe how awful it felt. Everything was blurry, but... not blurry... at the same time. It felt like everything was shifting, but not moving. I remembered myself standing in my room, feeling really weirded out and scared that everything was losing its form. Then, it stopped. I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night.

In 2022, Sonic.EXE became popular again. I finally got a Meta Quest 2 VR headset. Karen officially moved in with us. That was her first mistake. She should've just stayed with my drunk-as-all-hell dad who lived next door. I was introduced to Ori and the Blind Forest. I loved it. It became my favorite game. Then, what clicked in my head, verified me as... a furry. That just made matters worse. People at school made fun of/bullied me for being an "EwW fUrRy WhY dOn't YoU cHoOsE a DiFfErEnT pAtH???" I became more violent as time went on. Why are people like this? Why do people call someone out for the stupidest reasons?

In 2023, I was invited to the dark side of the moon. New peeps in the world (and my house) so my two sisters, Karen, and another who I will call Georgia, had kids. Georgia and her boyfriend were driven out of their house by roaches, so they moved with us. Both of my sisters became greedy little shit stains. Now, we have 3 maggots running around the house. I suffered through my second case of derealization. This time, I'm sharing a room with my brother yet again. I hate it. But, I'm sure glad I have a Wii again. My hyperfixation is now Night in the Woods again. We went camping. It was fun. It was... fine...

Now, 2 months ago, my aunt, who I will call Dorothy, passed away due to an overdose. This rocked me to my core. Rest in peace, aunt Dorothy. The house, in shambles. My sanity, running low. Poppy Playtime Chapter 3 came out. I now have a new hyperfixation: the Smiling Critters. Things were not looking good.

It is now March 4th, 2024. I feel like absolute shit. I have too many assignments and projects to catch up on. My life is becoming more and more similar to Mae Borowski's.

I now know how @thelonelyfeline feels.

My life is starting to become the vibes of this song.

[hsfan94]

Y/n had been waiting for so long to tell Harry how she felt. They had been friends for a few years and she had been in love with him almost the whole time. But Harry leads a busy life and she’s had a bad history with telling guys how she feels. The timing was always off. But when Covid hit, they got so much closer. Being shacked up with Harry, Jeff and then she got to spend more time with him then she ever had. When he went off to shoot the movie, she missed him so much every day. She finally decided to tell him one night and snuck down to find him talking to Jeff.

“I’m serious mate, I’m falling for her.”

“And I’m telling you, Harry, it’s a bad idea.”

Y/n’s interest in their conversation piqued. She hoped they were talking about her but she was upset Jeff thought it was a bad idea.

“She makes me feel different, Jeff. She’s different.”

“Harry, she’s married. With kids.”

Her heart fell. They were not talking about her. Not only that. Her Harry was thinking about being a homewrecker.

She ran upstairs quietly. She couldn’t listen to more.

For some reason, Harry never confided in her about Olivia. She didn’t know anything else about it until Jeff’s wedding, when they showed up together without warning.

“Olivia, this is my good friend, Y/n. Y/n, this is Olivia, my girlfriend.” A shit eating grin spread on his face and how could she ruin that by showing her true feelings.

“Nice to meet you, Olivia. I’ve heard so many good things.” She gave her a hug and spent the rest of the wedding away from Harry and drinking.

What y/n didn’t see coming was how truly awful Olivia was. She had Harry so fooled. She was never outright mean to y/n but she was very fake and y/n was the only one who could see her for what she was, a bad person. Not that it was her biggest concern, but his new relationship also made less time for her. They went from seeing each other everyday in 2020 to once a month in 2021 and 2022 and he hardly ever texted or called. She missed her friend, her Harry she met in 2017, who would make it a priority to text her once a day and call once a week. Not only did they rarely speak but when he was with Camille he called her for advice constantly which hurt like hell but she loved having his trust. He’s told her nothing about his relationship with Olivia. She’s in the dark and that feels worse than anything because it’s like he doesn’t trust her anymore.

Since she’s been in the dark, she’s been tuned into the gossip sections on social media. Her heart did somersaults when she heard they had broken up around the time of the premiere in Venice. She was even more excited when he had asked her to dinner nearly three weeks after the breakup rumors started. She knew it was time to tell him how she felt.

“I’m so happy to see you, H.” She approached the table he was already seated at.

“It’s been too long,” he said as he hugged her.

“Yeah all because of you, you busy bee! Have you even had time to feed yourself?”

They sat down and chattered on and on while looking over the menu and having drinks. Y/n couldn’t take it anymore. She had to tell him.

“H. I really need to tell you something and I don’t know if my timing is perfect but I think it’ll be a little less embarrassing than any other time I could have told you the last two years.”

He sat up straight.

“Ok yeah. What’s going on?”

“I’m in love with you. I have been for like five years and I don’t know you know us we keep busy and you’ve had girlfriends and I don’t know I heard you and Olivia broke up and-“

“Sorry I’m late!” She’s cut off by Olivia’s voice.

When she looks up she sees her place a hand on Harry’s shoulder before leaning down to kiss him. This has to be the worst thing that has ever happened to her.

“Oh. Oh Um. No worries. I actually didn’t know you were coming, H didn’t say anything. Anyway, I have to go you two enjoy.”

She rushed out of her seat, messily grabbing her stuff and briskly heading to the door.

She was halfway down the block when she heard Harry call after her.

“Y/n!”

She turned on her heel and met his face with her tear stained one.

“It’s okay, Harry. I just need to go.”

“You don’t have to. You can eat with us. I won’t say anything.”

“My feelings for you are not the only problem. I don’t know you anymore. Why wouldn’t you tell me she was coming? Why don’t you tell me about her period? I don’t know anything that goes on behind closed doors anymore, I feel like a fan having to tune into Instagram to find out about your life. That was so embarrassing.”

“It wasn’t embarrassing and I’m sorry I’ve shut you out. But please just come eat with us. Get to know her, I’ll talk about it all with you.”

“I can’t Harry. I miss my friend so much but I can’t pretend everything is fine anymore. I love you so much, I don’t want to hear about your relationship and I don’t want to third wheel you. I just need to go.”

“Okay. Can I call you later? To make sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. Just give me a few days.”

They both start to walk away but she remembers something she hasn’t said.

“Hey, Harry.”

He turns around to face her again.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. For still wanting to be my friend.”

“Always. I do love you y/n.”

“I know.” She smiles sadly.

They wave goodbye again and go their separate ways.

AN: thinking about doing a part two

[wintergrew]

Actually i will say on KAYF...

The basic premise of KAYF was an idea I first got roughly ten years ago after watching various vampire media. (Let the Right One In, Shiki, etc.) Not the whole plot, but the basic premise of a (queer) couple broken up by one becoming a vampire while their town is being destroyed by...well, vampires. Originally with my friend's and my Star Wars ocs from the MMO swtor we were obsessed with and made a billion AUs for, but very quickly it became its own thing in my head with new OCs.

But at that point in my life i was not writing fiction. I was always too self conscious of my writing because someone flamed my cringeybwriting on Neopets when I was, like...8 or something. So I literally went a full ass decade without writing fiction (with the exception of a couple attempts i immediately abandoned because I hated them) until I decided to try again with South Park fanfiction because i don't even know. Which includes The Thief, which I was shocked people liked. It was a TERRIBLE point in my life, I should say, so having people enjoy what I wrote and saying nice things about it was quite literally one of the only good things I had.

But anyway I still had that vampire idea in the back of my head, but just as random scenes that played in my head of the two main charades + the person who ended up being Estella. (Though originally her and Scott's role was combined.) The plot wasn't really defined or anything, but the basic ending was in my head from the very very beginning.

Anyway...2020. i was supposed to see MCR. Then COVID postponed it. I was very sad about this. So I extra emo-ly listened to a shit ton of MCR. And listening to MCR, suddenly I was thinking about that vampire story and their music pretty much helped me put the plot into place. The terminal illness plotline. The vampire of the pairing being obsessed to save his love and the cruelty from the other vampires regarding that. And ofc the song Kill All Your Friends itself gave me the set up of an IT-like time skip where someone died and they all go back.

They were all still 100% OCs in my head at this point. I didn't really have much confidence anyone would like these idea but, I was actively writing South Park fanfiction people liked well enough. I'd only ever written fanfiction. So I was like "huh I guess I can make this idea Creek".

So I did. And then wrote three chapters and didn't update for a full year.

But then in 2021 it became my ADHD obsession. I stopped caring about The Thief Trilogy. All I could think of was KAYF and wrote the rest of it in three or so months... Over 100k words. Pretty sure the update schedule was longer than that, but I spaced out chapters by a week long after I was finished.

And people seemed to like it. It was too dark to be as popular as the Thief Trilogy, but I knew that. It was a much more personal story, though, especially with how emotional it was, so it meant SO MUCH to me that anyone liked it. Also because The Thief Trilogy feels basically just like a bloated fanfiction adaptation of the SOT game to me, while KAYF feels like mine, so the kind words for it meant even more in a way.

Until someone I thought was a friend trashed it relentlessly. Like, I'm fine with constructive criticism but they were just horrible. Spoiled the plot for people who wanted to read it directly after i asked them not to, went on condescending rants about how there was too much filler, how Tweek in it was an awful character who deserved to die, claimed characters were all too unsympathetic, joked about parts I meant in earnest, etc. And they got really mad at me that my feelings were hurt by this. It was a whole thing.

Anyway, I'm still to this day years later obsessed with this story year. I think about it every day, which is probably more unhealthy ADHD shit. And I always think about how to make it better. I hate how I wrote it so fast and didn't think about certain details or pacing or what have you. Like, once I finished writing it, I was sad because I wanted to keep writing it. I still do.

I hate that I disappoint people by not having it out there. I want it out there, just not the version I rushed in three months.

So, for now, the fic is hidden. Indefinitely.

Anyway if you read all this tl;dr rambling congratulations I guess.

[infjinthecity]

Zhang Yixing: Grandline4, Shanghai (August 2024)

Four very short days after I arrived in China, I left Hangzhou where I’m living and got on a bullet train to Shanghai. Thinking back, it was insane of me to do this. There was so much I had to organize before I started work, but this was an opportunity of a lifetime. I had been trying to get tickets to Grandline 4 quite literally anywhere in the world, but none of the dates worked with my moving schedule. I felt like the only Beiker on planet earth that was going to miss this concert series. Then, a couple of weeks before my departure from Australia, in a very China-esque fashion, but especially typical of his studio, they dropped dates and ticket sales for Shanghai. It was his last stop on the Grandline tour for 2024, so it was going to be like the Hunger Games trying to get tickets.

Fortunately, I have an army of awesome women around me in this fandom and with their help, I was able to secure tickets for BOTH Shanghai dates. I was also fortunate enough to see him when he headlined Metamoon in New York City while I was living there but he was only on stage for 45 minutes, and it wasn’t his show. Besides, everyone knows Zhang Yixing in China is superior so I was simply dying to see him on his home turf.

And oh my god, he did not disappoint.

I joined the fandom after finding him on Street Dance of China Season 3. I showed up for Yibo but left with an obsession for the introverted Krump King of China. I fell in the Yixing hole back then and I have no desire to climb out – haha! But when I joined the fandom back then, and actually since then as well, it seemed that Yixing was moving through the world with an unhealthy amount of melancholy. Maybe it’s just me, but for so long all he was talking about was how lonely he was, his age, and his fears about his unrealized dreams. Now I understand that right after I joined his fandom COVID hit and many people around the world fell into a massive slump, but it was more than that with him. It seeped into every live stream he did, every interview, and his song lyrics became about these feelings, and it painted his face for a few years.

Well, after being in Shanghai, I think the collective agreement among fans is, that version of Zhang Yixing seems gone. His body is super healthy, and it’s obvious he’s done work on his mental health and the way in which he looks at the world in front of him. He radiates joy and happiness, and it is an absolute blessing to witness. It was unexpected, but his happiness and his contentedness eminates off of him. His smile is full and genuine. It was, hands down, my favourite part of both dates. I am so thankful I got to see him like that and I really hope that whatever he’s doing, he continues to do more of it!

I made it all the way through night one and almost all the way through night two before the tears started. He closed the second night with Breathe and if you follow me on other socials you will know I’ve been screaming about this song since he dropped it. It speaks to my heart and soul right now and I feel like he wrote it about me. Isn’t it funny how music can touch us like that? Anyway, the opening beats of Breathe started and I couldn’t hold my tears in. The Chinese auntie next to me chuckled at me, but it’s fine!

I really hope I get the chance to see him in China again. Shanghai was the last stop for 2024 as he’s focusing more on his stage and screen performances for now but music is his life so I’m sure there will inevitably be more shows next year.

A quick shoutout to his studio. I know as a fandom we tend to collectively and loudly shit all over the incompetence of his staff, but they really came through for me and my friend on night one. We were sitting in different sections (like everyone in China does) and she was much further away from the stage than me. We asked security if my friend could come through to my section and take some close up photos, but they weren’t having it. Someone from Yixing’s staff saw the exchange, clocked that we were both foreigners, and came to our rescue. He made a call and escorted us down to the barrier for photo ops. It was so nice of them, and it made our night – especially for my friend who wouldn’t have had the chance for such photos otherwise. So we’re on a no-ragging-on-studio kick – FOR NOW!

If you ever get the chance to see this wonderful soul in the flesh, don’t hesitate. He is worth every single dollar I spent on tickets – and I spent a loooottttttt.

I love him I love him I love him I love him. Probably not a normal amount, but that’s okay.

I have lots of videos from both nights but Tumblr only lets you upload one video per post so I'm dropping the video in question that brought on all the tears.

Till next time, peace!

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

Oh my god I'm going to lose my mind.

Back in Fall of 2017, I auditioned for a local professional choir. I got in, I joined up, yippee. I did the fall/winter season and then returned for the spring season, and it was fun. I did choir my entire life growing up, audition/honor choir 12-18, and musical theater in college. I had missed singing with other people a lot, and it seemed like a good opportunity to be social and get to sing in a group. I even got a few solos; good times.

Fast forward to Fall of 2018. I return for the fall/winter season. Shit is hitting the fan with my grandmother and that whole situation. My mental health is in the gutter. My self esteem tanked out entirely. I was barely making it through. Then the conductor starts introducing "choreography" and I tried, I really did, but I ended up leaving rehearsals (repeatedly) in tears because I was so embarrassed. Finally I hit a breaking point and went "I can't do this anymore, I need to get myself together". So I made my apologies, notified the proper people, and withdrew from the choir. Thought about going back in 2019... didn't. Then COVID hit, and things went virtual for 2+ years. I wasn't interested. Then my mom got hurt, and I have essentially been a caretaker since then. My time was not my own. The choir started meeting in person again this January. I missed singing. I missed the people. I rejoined. Six weeks later, my uncle got sick and died very suddenly. It was extremely traumatic for my family. I became overwhelmed emotionally and in regards to time management. When it became clear I was going to miss more than three rehearsals, I made my apologies and withdrew from the choir, but always with the intention to return for the Fall season. This is something I made explicitly clear to the conductor, the manager, and the staff as a whole. Then in August, my grandmother died very suddenly. Far less emotional fallout, but my time was-- once again-- not my own. I had no idea what dates or deadlines we'd be dealing with, what all needed to be done, etc. but I knew we would have to clean out their apartment, move my grandfather in with family, and handle all of the post-death bureaucracy. The choir season started; I did not join. One week later, everything wound up resolved and wrapped up and I realized I really miss choir and will be able to make rehearsals, at least September - December... so I send a message to the conductor asking if it's alright that I return. No response. I messaged a friend who is in the choir and she told me to just come to rehearsal (something that is done all the time). I notified the manager and relevant staff, filled out the paperwork, and went to rehearsal. I had the most fun I've had in weeks. People were excited to see me, and I them. The music for this season is gorgeous and it felt good to remember that I can look at music and know how it reads and how to perform it. It felt good to remember another language I speak outside of writing alone in my room: music. I went out for drinks after with one of my closer friends in the group and we chatted for hours. I made plans to hang out with a few others, and I got excited about the prospect of the retreat this weekend, spending a whole day working on music in a beautiful building instead of the usual pre-birthday sobbing alone in my room for three straight days. And then the conductor emailed me. I am certain I'm reading too much into it, but it basically said, "You're a flake and I want you to think long and hard about the commitment you're willing to make to this choir." And she CC'd the new head of the organization, a woman who has never met or spoken to me. All the good feelings instantly vanished. I'm sad and frustrated and angry. I waited a while, and cried a lot. I drafted a few different replies. I finally returned her email (and CC'd the same person so she'd see my reply as well). I politely but pointedly said "I had two deaths in the family this year unexpectedly, which changed my schedule dramatically in a way that was out of my hands. I did ask your permission to come back, but since you didn't reply I figured it was better not to miss another rehearsal than to wait on an answer. Let me know what you want me to do. If it's preferable I'll just return the music ASAP and remove myself from the roster."

I'm not going to the retreat on Saturday. I'm convinced I made up all of the positive reactions to my presence in my head and now am wondering if people asked her to try to get me to leave because they probably don't like me, anyway. I'm reviewing and overthinking every interaction I had, and I keep coming back to standing in a group of a few of us, looking for an excuse to go out to dinner or karaoke, and one of them saying, "Well my birthday is October 3rd." I said, "And mine is September 24th!" (which is stupid and I should not have said anything and I hate that I said anything at all). And then they just continued, "Oh, yeah let's go out for (other girl's) birthday!" and that was that. And I do not like my birthday. I do not want to do anything for my birthday. It's already miserable and it hasn't even come yet. But now, of course, in my head it's like, "No shit, Sherlock. No one gives a fuck about you or your birthday, just keep your fucking mouth shut, idiot." When the conductor finally replied to my email, she basically just said that they expect singers to commit September - June, and not much else. I feel like I'm out of ways to say, "I can give you September - December, but I can't promise anything past that. If that's not ok, please tell me now." I just want her to tell me, because if *I* make the decision to leave based on what she's saying, I'll look like I'm proving her right and flaking out. But if she tells me, hey, sorry, that's not gonna work then I can at least be like, "Oh, there were logistical issues." So now I'm just stuck in this spiral of: no one likes you, no one wants you around, everyone thinks you're unreliable and a bad friend and annoying, just shut the fuck up and go away and for the love of god stop trying.

[andmaybegayer]

Last Monday of the Week 2023-07-03

There's situations but I'm handling it and everything will be fine

Listening: Missed the latest song from We Kill Cowboys, Pink Codeine. I love We Kill Cowboys but they do most of their music live and release albums almost never, and even when I still lived in South Africa they mostly play around Cape Town, so I have not heard much of their new shit barring what lands up online.

They changed labels to Mongrel Records recently. Mongrel handles a lot of the heavy rock stuff around ZA, some good bands including Acid Magus, Springbok Nude Girls, All This For Nothing, and Ruff Majik.

Reading: Kaiju Preservation Society, sci-fi fluff from Scalzi. A guy down on his luck during The COVID gets recruited to go along as grunt labour on a scientific expedition to parallel universe Greenland, where there are giant kaiju roaming around in tropical forest.

Very loose spec bio that is nonetheless fun to read about, Kaiju are giant nuclear-powered walking biomes covered in various parasites, commensalists, and mutualists that scour the nearby area for food and give some to the Kaiju in exchange for mobility and protection. Like if mycorhizzal fungi were wolves.

At its best it is a light workplace comedy on a research base, and a moderate action romp. There is a story but it's not anything special. It is fun that our Protagonist has a literature masters and is there mostly to move heavy objects. I enjoy the feeling behind scientific expedition living and I'm still a little bitter about not getting on the Antarctic expedition so I enjoy reading stories about similar environments.

Very much "I wrote this in COVID when all I could think about was COVID and I wanted to imagine a guy for whom pretty much everything goes okay." I enjoyed it enough, with modern sci-fi style snark and snappy one liners.

Watching: Nothing, fell behind on the Fast and Furious watch because it's hard to write about #4, since it's just #1 again.

Also assembling a bunch of Ikea furniture, I have a home office desk now and more than the bare minimum space to stash clothing. In a month or two I'll also have a desktop computer, but that's future me problems.

Making: Made bread as part of what will hopefully be an ongoing project to improve my breadmaking. I can almost always make something vaguely serviceable but it's always pretty random whether I can get bread to behave the way I want it to.

Playing: Also very little, did another bonus level or two in Terra Nil. The challenges are much more interesting in the bonus levels, they force you to consider some much longer view tasks like "leave enough low lying soil intact for wetlands" and "manage river access for your cleanup" but still not too challenging on normal mode.

Tools and Equipment: When I was choosing a kettle I insisted on one that had a minimum boil volume of no more than 500ml, the one my parents have has a rated minimum of 800ml which is positively wasteful when I mostly boil a single cup for tea. Anyway the one I got has a 250ml minimum boil which is so good. You can do one cup of tea and drain it basically dry. Winning. Great for my sense of accomplishment.

[hartshorn-and-isinglass]

Having some feels about the pandemic-versary this time around. Especially since I'm currently sitting in an airport as one of only three people masked up.

(so when I say the pandemic changed me I don't just mean I made a lot of baked goods and listened to bardcore...)

In February of 2020 I had surgery and was in bed recovering for two weeks and change. I literally had a hard time getting around so the only places I went at the end of February were to two doctors' appointments. The first reported cases of COVID spread in NorCal had hit the news; people were already starting to curtail their social activities and getting a bit anxious. I didn't feel great about having to go out, but the only restrictions at that point were on people who had recently traveled out of the country, and I figured well, it's just the doctor's office, it won't be too crowded, and I have hand sanitizer. Yeah, something-something Alanis Morrissette song LOL. It took a few days for the symptoms to manifest; I finally got a chance to hang out with my friends the following Saturday, the first day of March, but had to ask them to drive me home early because I very suddenly started to feel unwell. That was a week and a half before the pandemic became an official emergency. By the time Spouse and I realized what this probably was, it already seemed too late to try and isolate from each other, so we were just like... welp. Here we go.

I cannot possibly impress on people who didn't have the alpha strain just how fucking terrifying and miserable that was even if you just got the 'mild' version. I'd had the flu before, like a properly miserable flu. This was even worse in terms of the magnitude of fatigue involved. Like I don't think I've ever been as acutely aware of the weight of my arms and legs like that. There was a point where my breathing got just labored enough that I had to contemplate what it might be like to end up in the hospital when they were only just starting to set up for the pandemic. Fortunately I did not have to go. But I did literally spend another four weeks bedridden after having already been bedridden for half of February. Spouse also was a bedridden blob for the rest of the month. Friends kept tabs on us remotely and we ate a lot of delivery. God fucking bless the food delivery people who worked their asses off during the pandemic.

I was able to walk around again after a month but doing anything winded me pretty badly for about a year afterwards. Even as a longtime spoonie, the level of "oh fuck, I really can't do this" was honestly jarring. Spouse fortunately did not have the same long-COVID problems I did.

Of course, I get mostly-over the long COVID just in time to get the call that Spouse's parents' living situation has become fundamentally unsustainable for them and we needed to go out there to help them shut down the farm and move into town. Shortly after finishing that project and coming back home, we got called out again because FIL's cancer had become untreatable. After hospice, and then the funeral, Spouse decided he'd had enough with his job and the direction the industry was going and quit.

Let me tell you, I am so glad I had the option for therapy sessions over Zoom during that time and boy howdy I needed those weekly appointments.

The last couple of years have been a lot, I guess is what I'm saying. I sure as shit feel different and people around me have started noticing that I am different. I don't necessarily consider it a shift for the better, given... y'know, some of the stuff. But yeah, definitely one of those "before vs. after" kind of defining moments of my life.

[iamjustcara]

My dad died at 72 on 12/31/19 after his 2nd massive heart attack. It was hard, but as a family we got through it and even moved my mom to Memphis to live in a house right next door to me. She was out of shape and overweight but did fine in her house on her own for 2 years.

Then in Nov 2022, at 74, she fell and broke her femur, requiring intramedullary nail for the fracture and full time rehab. Rehab that isn’t going well. Rehab that has been derailed by a bladder infection that made her throw up and prevented her from eating and required 5 days in a real hospital. Rehab that was derailed further when she got Covid at the ER while waiting for bladder infection treatment. She’s finally back at rehab, free from her 2-weeks of Covid quarantine, but she’s throwing up again. And on it goes. It’s always something.

I whine about all this to say: this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life and it’s not even happening TO me. I’m powerless, I’m helpless, I’ve got no control of her treatment and it feels like I’ve got no control of my own life b/c I spend so much time visiting her and worrying about her comfort and going to her appointments.

People: stay active. Walk your ass down the driveway every day. It will make a difference. Get up, get out, move around and use your body. Sure actual exercise is good for you but movement of any kind will help. My mom will likely never walk unassisted again. My mom can’t come home and live alone and I can’t be her personal home aid. She’s going through this medically but I’m going through something too.

Being a caregiver (really I’m a care supporter) is slowly killing parts of me. And I am mad. I’m mad that my parents never followed instructions after previous surgeries to be active. All they had to do was walk around the block everyday. They never did. I’m mad that nothing seems to go right for my mom since she fell and all the lofty goals of being back to “normal” in 6-8 months have evaporated.

I’m mad that my two brothers and I haven’t met up to discuss things. Even when the older one showed up in town unannounced last week he didn’t tell me his plans so I never even saw him. I’m mad that I can’t focus on critical things in my own life because everything has become dependent on my care obligations. I wash her laundry bc she’s got sensitive skin and needs special detergent. I bought her new clothes so she wouldn’t be in the rehab gym in her ratty old house clothes. I haul shit over from her house to make her more comfortable in the rehab room. I leave work to go to appointments with her, to hold her hand when she cries. I do all this shit but it’s not enough to change any god damn thing.

Nothing is going to be changed. I’m locked into this bullshit until mom finally gives up and dies. There is no fucking escape. The brothers aren’t going to hold her hand and rush up there when she calls scared and crying it for my dead dad. My role in this position was set in motion when I was born the only daughter. And I’m fucking mad.

I love my mom. Living next door to her was a dream come true. But I’m killing myself trying to support her and I’m mad that I can’t let myself step away. I know I don’t have to be the caretaker, but if my dad ever found out I abandoned my mom he’d be so disappointed. As he died in Vanderbilt hospital I held his hand and promised him I’d take care of mom. So I have to keep going. I do my best and I acknowledge that my best changes from day to day.

I’m mad at my mom for being old and out of shape. I’m mad that she had surgery, followed by an infection, followed by Covid. I’m mad at myself for not adjusting into this new role easily. I am not a parent, I have no experience guiding someone to make good decisions and try her hardest. I’m not trained in this at all but now I’m fucking stuck in it.

I’m so mad