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vixxiedust · 5 years

Text

The Scholar’s Love Ch. 1

Genre: Romance, Drama, Alternate universe

Pairing: KenxOC

Warning: none

Summary:

“Don`t you want to find a good husband and get married?” he raised an eyebrow, “Someone noble, handsome, valiant, brave, courageous…”

I narrowed my eyes. Was he trying to describe himself? My sister would probably gush over a man like him but I wasn`t really familiar with men. I never paid much attention to them and as expected I spent most of my life away from them because propriety demanded that.

“My parents will choose a husband when the time comes,” I answered flatly.

One.

I straightened myself in my blue robes trying to look taller and more authoritative. I knew that it was useless since I hardly looked the part but I could see the girl in front of me trembling with fear and it wasn`t a pretty sight. I wondered why she was so scared, none of us were going to be slaughtered, none of us was a criminal. It was Acceptance day, a day of glory for all of us. Maybe she felt small and visible because there were only twenty of us. Our line was practically non-existent compared to the men`s one. One hundred of them, advancing towards the Palace in steady strong pace expecting to have a bright future as officials, to help governing our country of Nava.

All of us wore navy blue robes with a tiny white dragon embroidered on our chest. Those who`d be elevated in rank later would switch to a bigger silver dragon but the gold embroidery was reserved only for the royal family. The robes made for the future female officials were slightly wider, made to resemble a dress but other than that the uniform wasn`t so different. The difference lied in the fact that most of us would probably never make it beyond librarians or historians. But had I been born fifty years ago I`d have only dreamed about being accepted here. I`d have remained the daughter of a third rank scholar doomed only to marry and produce kids.

I threw a glance at the male line. Some of the young men there were ogling at us. Probably not me since I rarely looked agreeable and consciously kept my face as stern as possible but there were some very beautiful daughters of scholars around me. The girl in front of me was blushing furiously from what I could see.

“Raise your head,” I whispered to her and tried to steady her when she swayed startled by my voice, “They won`t dare to say anything to you if you don`t look scared.”

She drew a weak shaky breath and tried to look at me while walking. Unlike me she was wearing makeup. She was beautiful; her hair lighter than mine and braided in the obligatory way for female officials.

“But it`s scary.”

“It`s not,” I said reassuringly, “We are going to serve His Majesty and our country. You can`t be a mess. You represent yourself, your family and the monarchy.”

She nodded hastily, and then she straightened her body a little.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

I patted the side of her arm and continued our solemn march towards the gates. Then we stopped at the parade ground in front of the House of Justice and Valor. There was the male part of the Royal family. I couldn`t see them well because I was too far behind but I could make out the ceremonial robes of our King, the Crown prince and his two brothers. On both sides there were the Ministers in robes of brilliant azure blue.

I heard the ceremonial drums and fell to my knees along with everyone around me. Suddenly I felt so small, like a tiny ant in the sea of more ants, pressing my forehead to the cold ground. I wondered how my sister was doing.

She was probably very excited for her own Acceptance day. I tried to think of her to seek some comfort and feel less alone. She wasn`t far away from here and she was probably now bowing to the Queen and the Princess in front of the House of Elegance and Virtue. I knew that she used to dream of this day for years. She always wanted to be a lady-in-waiting, and then part of the harem, a glorious concubine dressed in silk and precious stones. She wouldn`t stop dancing when our robes arrived three days ago. This is when we knew that we were approved. For me it was countless of nights of studying and writing and for her ruthlessly cultivating her beauty and talents. And in the end it all paid off. Now we needed to make our family proud, each of us in her own way.

“Future officials,” the booming voice of the King reached my ears and I quickly directed my thoughts towards the current task, “Today you begin a journey towards self-cultivating to serve your country and its citizen. From now on you shall dedicate your lives to this purpose and the this purpose alone because the nation needs you. We have the army to protect it but we also have you to help me govern it well.”

King Jiyeong, I thought, the second King of the Dragon Dynasty. My father used to describe him as a trustworthy ruler, one who never let things out of control, who looked into the details. And probably rightfully so. His dynasty was young to our ancient kingdom, his ancestors fought with King Yalta from the Crow Dynasty to get to where they were today. They had to set new customs, new rituals, new fashion, everything to erase the previous rulers and their ways.

The Kingdom of Nava was founded by too many tribes and each of them had different beliefs. It wasn`t easy to unify all of them even after centuries of settling on the same piece of land.

I sighed and returned my attention to the Kings`s speech.

“Follow the laws and keep the order. Strive for perfection and bring glory to Nava.”

There was a moment of silence so that we make sure that the King had nothing more to say. Then all of us bellowed:

“Glory to the one true king!”

I finally rose from the ground. I did what I could to rub my sore knees and looking at the other officials around me I wasn`t the only one.

We didn`t have much time to tend to our poor joints though because we were herded by people in brown robes towards three massive stone tables. I saw the long lists spreading like bed sheets. Somewhere there was my name and its assigned position. We weren`t supposed to start with any important position but it also depended on the ranks of our families. Having a third rank was neither good, nor bad, just in the middle. What was worse was the fact that I was a woman.

I was grouped together with girl in front of me. She looked a lot calmer now, as if the worst part was over when in fact it had only just began. It was up to us now to show what we were really capable of.

We waited patiently and it didn`t take much time before it was her turn.

“Name,” the man at the table demanded without even raising his eyes.

“Adra An,” she mumbled, her voice trembling once again.

“Library,” the man said, “Next.”

“Nala Ae.”

He threw a quick glance at me. Maybe he had heard of my father.

“Library. Next.”

I knew I couldn`t expect much but I still felt disappointed. Adra was there waiting for me. She looked relieved.

“We`re together,” she chimed happily clinging to my sleeve.

I wish I could return the smile. The Grand Library was the standard starting point for most female officials. Men usually got assigned to different departments at the ministries. I sighed deeply at the thought of spending my time with dusty books rather than people.

“Well, let`s go,” I did my best to look enthusiastic and headed towards the group of officials who were supposed to work there as well.

“It`s not that bad,” Adra tried to comfort me, “Many others never had the chance to come to the Palace in the first place.”

I nodded. After all she was right.

---

I slowly went down the polished wooden ladder after returning a couple of atlases to their rightful places. Then I scanned my desk where a dozen more lied stacked neatly.

Three days had passed since Acceptance day and things were going as expected. Boring. It was boring. Mornings were nice since we had lectures with renowned scholars but afternoons dragged on and on at least here in the library. It was something I had to endure for now. Later when gaining more experience I could submit a memorial to the King and eventually attract his attention. I had a long way ahead of me though. No one came with brilliant ideas three days into their new duties, so in order to outshine hundreds of intelligent men in His Majesty`s court I had to study diligently for years.

I had this dream of attending court like a proper high rank official but in the history of this dynasty there had been only one woman who was able to achieve that and she lived during the reign of the previous king. I knew my chances were low.

I grabbed a few maps and checked if they were rolled properly. And since they were I headed to the shelf dedicated to topographic maps.

It wasn`t that bad, I tried to soothe myself, I liked the smell of books. The other officials here were nice and helpful. We slept in good rooms and all of us, the new ones, had our own small court. It was quiet most of the time so I could focus on my studies and work. I couldn`t complain really.

I carefully placed the maps on the shelf and headed back to my desk. To my surprise there was someone standing there. I could only see his back but he was tall and lean and was tracing an open map with his finger.

I slowly approached the stranger and sensing a movement behind him he spun his body to face me. I stopped dead in my tracks. He was a young man with soft pillowy lips, full eyebrows and dark eyes. His robes were the color of honey and despite being sewn to be only informal attire, they were adorned with elaborate embellishments such as branches and leaves. He was what most people would categorize as charming I suppose. And noble. He was definitely noble. Probably part of the extended royal family.

I curtsied awkwardly partly because I never cared to learn these things properly. My mother used to scold me a lot for that.

“May I help you?” I asked.

He didn`t bow in return which confirmed that he was indeed way higher in the hierarchy than me. Instead he looked at me from head to toe and his eyes lit playfully. I wasn`t ugly but I also wasn`t the prettiest girl out there, so it baffled me.

“You`re new,” he stated and to my horror he casually sat on top of my desk.

I felt the urge to pull the open map away from him before it crinkles but I had to contain it somehow because I couldn`t afford to face the consequences of pushing a nobleman from his seat of choice. So I just swallowed hard and nodded.

“Which house?” he puffed his full lips.

“Ae,” I almost hissed at him. I needed him to remove his bottom from the map as quickly as possible but he didn`t seem in the mood to budge, “Do you need me to help you with something?”

“Ah, I was just looking for a map but that`s not important now,” he waved dismissively and continued mumbling to himself, ”Ae… Ae… Ah, could it be that your father is Ying Ae.”

My father has been active in court lately, so no wonder that his name was familiar to the young man.

“The very same, my lord,” I answered and grabbed the map from the desk.

He almost tumbled down trying to dodge it but I wasn`t going to care at this point. But he didn`t seem to mind it at all actually because he let out a giggle.

I rolled the map carefully and walked to its respective shelf. I heard his steps behind me. He wasn`t going to let meoff so easily.

“It must be pretty boring to work here.”

“It`s only temporarily, my lord, everyone should start their career from somewhere,” I placed the map.

“Oh, an ambitious lady!” he exclaimed. I couldn`t shake off the feeling that he was toying with me.

He leaned on the shelf casually towering over me. His body omitted a sweet musky smell.

“Don`t you want to find a good husband and get married?” he raised an eyebrow, “Someone noble, handsome, valiant, brave, courageous…”

“My parents will choose a husband when the time comes,” I answered flatly.

Many female officials never married. At least those without a proper backing. They basically led a life of a nun till the day they died. I tried to push this thought out of my mind.

“So you don`t want to choose for yourself?”

He bent a little so that his face was inches away from mine. The fragrance which came from him intensified.

I wasn`t someone who blushed easily but his closeness made me uncomfortable. Partly because I was taught my entire life that men and women go separately except if they are married. His frivolous behavior was too much for me. Yet I spent a minute studying his eyes. They were deep dark brown like bottomless pits which devoured light.

“Everyone with an able body and bearable personality would do,” I answered at last and took a step back to break the spell between us, “As long as my marriage does not interfere with my job as an official, I am fine with anything.”

He bit his lower lip to suppress his laughter.

“Every girl dreams of her future husband,” he said confidently, “Even those who take the official exams.”

I shook my head.

“I never did.”

He stared in me and I could see that he was very skeptical about it.

“Maybe you haven`t met the right man… until now.”

I blinked a couple of times. Was I mistaken or his voice sounded almost seductively?

For the first time in my life I met someone who`d openly say indecent things. I have heard that some of the members in the royal family were spoiled rotten and good for nothing but I imagined they would indulge in such behavior in the privacy of their own manors. Or brothels.

“I can assure you, my lord, that I have YET to meet such man.”

He clasped the fabric of his robes right above his heart dramatically.

“Ah, that hurts so much,” he whined, ”But the future lies ahead and I have just planted the seed of love in your heart.”

The seed of love? I wanted to say something clever to him, something to insult him in a subtle but my mind was blank. All I felt was indignation which threatened to make me faint. Luckily I wasn`t that frail.

Who was that man after all? He never introduced himself in the first place.

“We shall meet again, my lady,” he said finally making his exit, “I`ll come to keep you company some other time.”

I was ready to gladly send him off when something flashed in front of my eyes.

“My lord!” I called after him.

He stopped and looked at me. But my eyes were fixed on his chest. It has been there the entire time, hidden between the embroidered leaves in plain sight.

“I could do without your company, my lord,” I said with all the courage I managed to muster. Because, gods, I needed it considering who stood before me.

He smiled and disappeared down the staircase.

A tiny golden dragon in between the leaves. A tiny golden dragon on his chest. He wasn`t just part of the extended royal family. He was from the royal family.

The entire time I had been talking to a prince.

#vixx fanfic #ken fanfiction #jaehwan fanfic #jaehwan fanfiction #imma back in the game with my rusty writing skills cause quarantine #gotta battle depression and anxiety somehow #it`s not my best work but also i haven`t written anything ages soooo #vixx #jaehwan

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frogtanii · 3 years

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a soft jazz melody buzzed over your group’s heads as you entered craft los angeles, the pretty hanging lights casting a warm glow over your deep red suit.

the restaurant was lovely, as expected, and also very very full. scanning the dining room, you were surprised yachi had even managed to get a table at all but apparently management pulled some strings to make this all possible.

a little drop of anger pooled in your gut at the thought. the higher ups had the funds to allow the house to go to an impromptu fancy (and extremely expensive!!!) dinner but they wouldn’t give you the time of day when you were sending them letters and emails, appealing for equal pay.

“hey,” kuroo’s soft, baritone voice sounded from beside you, nearly scaring you out of your skin. “are you alright?” your first thought was to just say you were fine but dr yamada’s words rang throughout your skull, unprompted.

take a moment, assess how you feel, and only then do you share. if you don’t want to, then don’t but don’t lie either. it doesn’t do you or anyone else any good. i hope you’re actually listening brat, this is important.

you mentally rolled your eyes at the old memory. you were so combative back in highschool, never really understanding the purpose or benefits of therapy so you used to battle yamada at every turn. as time went on, his badgering and sarcastic nature pierced through your walls and the rest was pretty much history.

“yn?” a quick glance back at kuroo revealed the open concern written all over his face at your silence, his hand hovering over your shoulder as though he’d been reaching out for you but stopped himself. once he caught you looking, he quickly dropped his arm and shoved it into the pocket of his slacks while averting his eyes in embarrassment.

“sorry, i was just thinking about something negative. i’ll be okay though!” you responded with a small smile, internally cheering when the hostess came by to seat everyone before you could hear his response.

the beautiful hostess brought the group to a large table near the back, handing out the menus before telling you who your waiter was going to be and disappearing. you chose a chair near the end, swiftly flanked by atsumu and kuroo. sakusa, bokuto and oikawa took the seats across from you and everyone else filled in accordingly.

a pang of sadness shot through your heart as you watched kenma sit the furthest away from you next to yachi and osamu. you’d promised yourself that you would give him time but... how long would it take? what if he never came around? did he even want to be friends with you anymore?

your depressing thoughts were broken by the waiter entering and taking everyone’s orders. you couldn’t help but wince at all the prices on the menu ($60 steak!!!), but you took a bit of comfort in the fact it was all coming out of upper management’s wallet.

it took a moment for everyone’s courses to come out, but once they did, everyone dug in. the table would be mostly silent if it weren’t for the occasional quips from sugawara and oikawa but otherwise, a feeling of awkwardness blanketed over the group.

the blame for the uncomfortable atmosphere could very easily be attributed to meiko’s presence. she sat by yachi, clad in a lime green bodycon dress and black strappy heels, her outfit in stark contrast to everyone else’s more classy options.

when the waiter had come around earlier, she refused to order any real food, instead opting for bottomless champagne, her request causing sugawara to tense up at the opposite end of the table. before you could say anything to him, sakusa leaned over to whisper something that had him relaxing back into his seat.

you couldn’t have kept yourself from smiling if you tried.

anyway, time seemed to fly, and even under the oppressive discomfort of the room, you still managed to share a few laughs with your seat mates over the incredible food.

somewhere in between polishing off your main course and waiting for dessert, your bladder came calling your name. “hey,” you called to atsumu, his attention immediately snapping up to you in concern. “gotta go to the bathroom.” he gave you a nod and a sweet smile as you stood and maneuvered yourself to the small hallway leading to the women’s restroom.

the bathroom was silent when you entered as you quickly scurried into one of the suspiciously clean stalls to relieve yourself. a squeak signaled the door opening but whoever arrived remained at the mirror, not bothering to venture any further. you continued on your business before leaving the stall only to come face to face with...

meiko.

“oh, i was wondering when you were going to come out,” she grinned, false saccharine sweetness dripping from her words. she stood leaning against the sink counter, preventing you from washing your hands.

you barely kept yourself from rolling your eyes, moving forward to get to the sink. “wow, it’s so lovely to see you too! now, do you mind?” your patronizing tone apparently didn’t sit right with meiko because in an instant, she was on you, one of her hands wrapped around your throat.

frozen. you were frozen in place, muscles locked and unable to fight back like you knew you were capable of. somehow, this time, your fear and anxiety gripped you, keeping you still as her acrylic nails dug in and pierced your skin.

“stay away from what’s mine or this will be so, so much worse,” meiko sneered into your ear, giggling maniacally at your short, choked breaths. with you so out of commission, she dared to tighten her grip, your eyes rolling back into your head as your hands shot out to weakly fight against her hold. she studied your trembling expression for just a moment longer before letting go, allowing you to slide down to the floor as you scrambled for air.

your vision was swimming but you managed to catch meiko giving you a cheeky little wave as she exited the bathroom, the door making a loud bang as she left.

black crept up on the edges of your vision, the sheer amount of energy it took to keep yourself conscious quickly dwindling. thoughts drifted aimlessly through your head as your eyelids grew heavier and heavier.

did the boys even notice you were gone? did they even care? what if no one came to find you and you were left to die on the floor of this beautiful restaurant? what coffin would they pick out for your funeral? what music would they play? how many people would be in attendance? would anyone even come at alll?

at that, the darkness finally won over, dragging you down into a deep, dreamless sleep.

℗ poker face

frozen

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an - :O wowieee a little bit of a wild one — i wanna hear what y’all think hehe don’t forget to feed me <333

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kakashiswilloffire · 3 years

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Orange Sherbet

ao3 link

tw: suicide attempt, overdose, painkillers, mentions of self harm

words: 3.5k

He was a drain on Gai.

His students didn’t need him—they’d surpass him soon enough.

There were still villagers who called him Friend-Killer Kakashi.

He still saw faces every time he laid down to sleep.

He felt Rin’s blood splash onto his chest every time he used the Chidori.

He couldn’t help Itachi.

He couldn’t help anyone.

Sometimes he understood what must’ve gone through his father’s head.

Sometimes, the corner store doesn’t have orange sherbet.

Kakashi is suicidal and we hope Gai can help.

If there was orange sherbet at the convenience store on the way home, he’d stay alive. They always had pints of ice creams and other frozen treats—it was something he had promised to treat himself to when he felt this way. They had made him write down all these promises during his last few mental health sessions with various Yamanakas, listing three people he could talk to when he felt lonely, three distractions he could use to keep himself sane for a few minutes longer, three reasons to stay alive. When he felt like he couldn’t stand to live another day, he had to summon Pakkun, read Icha Icha, and eat something special and different. Pakkun was still recovering from their last rough battle together. He had read each volume of Icha Icha so many times they risked falling apart upon his next touch. So orange sherbet it was.

He’d never cared much for sweets, of course. But there was something nostalgic about orange sherbet, it wasn’t quite as punch-in-the-face sugary as ice cream, but still gave a slight buzz and coated his tongue. In the back of his mind, he remembered his father—or was it Minato?—buying a pint for each of them and snagging two disposable spoons so they could enjoy them as they walked back from the training grounds. Or was it three pints with Rin and Obito after difficult missions? Something Gai or Tenzou insisted on buying for his birthday one year? Everything blurred in his mind, unable to clearly break each memory apart to see it again.

He pushed open the door, hearing the dull chime of bells as it swung forward to let him into the packed corner shop. He made his way to the freezer without taking in any of the other colors, sights, or smells around him. He remembered his goal. One pint of orange sherbet. Buy one, eat it, and try life again tomorrow.

The freezer door was coated in a light fog, but he was in no hurry to see through it. It was just him and the shopkeep cashing out an older civilian woman. He skimmed his eyes across the rows, looking for the familiar orange carton.

Where was it?

He tried again, looking more carefully at each row, all the way across, then moving down to the next systematically. His heart rate jumped roughly 15 more beats per minute.

They always have it.

He opened the door, searching furiously with his eyes now that there was no frost in his way. He knelt to the ground, checking the bottom rows thoroughly.

It has to be here.

He glanced at the shopkeep, bagging the woman’s groceries as she talked animatedly about something he didn’t care enough to make out. He slid his headband up a couple of inches, barely exposing the crimson eye hidden beneath. With as much chakra as he dared use given his current state, he searched the frozen rack again.

Every flavor of ice cream he could think of, and a least a dozen more he would never consider. And toward the bottom, there was lime, lemon, and raspberry,

No orange sherbet.

He wasn’t sure how long he remained squatted down with the freezer door open, focused on the empty slot where it should be. The shopkeep, now with no other customers, cleared his throat loudly and gestured for Kakashi to shut the door. He blinked twice, then rose, hearing the door seal as he returned to his feet.

“Anything I can help you with?”

Kakashi blinked, again. There was all this noise roaring in his head, and he felt flushed. After a beat too long, he understood what had been asked and shook his head.

“No, ah… Thank you.”

He nodded and quickly ducked out of the store.

That was it. He had to write down three reasons. Reason one was currently out of commission because of him. Reason two had been violently abused so that he had something to do with his hands when he was so full of fire and anxiety that if he wasn’t holding something he’d— well, whatever came easiest or first. Digging his nails into his arms, forming tiny red divots. Scratching until the skin was raw and angry. Slamming fists into his thighs. Step one was always untying his kunai pouch and letting it fall. He’d learned that early on.

Reason number three to stay alive, and the agreement he’d made with himself today, was the convenience of dropping by the store for a small treat. Without that, he wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Walking back to his apartment, he thought about the previous weeks. Those promises had all begun the same way, but ended in a different direction. The format was simple: if blank, then I won’t kill myself today. He used to use a similar format: I can’t kill myself until blank. The problem with that was dreaming far enough ahead to find a goal worth the pain, effort, and time, and also, what to do when the goal was met. You can’t kill yourself until you make chunin. You can’t kill yourself until you complete an A rank mission. You can’t kill yourself until you make jonin. You can’t kill yourself until… what? Until I come back from a mission with no casualties? Until I can become close to someone without them dying in front of me? It spiraled too quickly to come back from.

The simpler way to go about it was short-term goals. Can’t kill yourself till after dinner. Then you’ve gotta brush your teeth. Then read a chapter of a book, or two. Then you’re tired, and you can sleep until the alarm wakes you far earlier than the sun would, and you live until you feel like you can’t again. But even that had its downfalls—if you can’t be bothered to brush your teeth tonight, you’ve gotta find something to keep going.

It had been Gai who suggested rephrasing the prompt to its latest version. On a day I challenge you, Rival, you can’t end the passion of youth! The challenges had been almost daily for a couple of months after that, until Gai had left for an extended mission and Kakashi had been thoroughly encouraged to stay a similar amount of time in the Yamanaka’s care. He’d begrudgingly admitted later that both of those developments had helped, and it had been a few years since his last bout with depression like this.

But it had been like this for a few months now, and the clouds fuzzing over his mind didn’t seem to be letting up. So he revisited some old advice. If it doesn’t rain on the way home, he’d stay alive. The sky remained cloudless. If Naruto pulled something stupid during training, he’d stay alive. It only took fifteen minutes before Sakura started yelling at him. If there was orange sherbet in the corner store—But there wasn’t.

Somehow, he made it inside his apartment, not quite recalling the rest of the walk through the dull ache behind his eyes. He slipped his unzipped vest off his shoulders, not noticing it hit the floor. Routine dictated that next was the kunai pouch, then the bandages, then—

He was sitting on the floor and wasn’t sure how he got there. Sitting was a generous term, he supposed, as his legs were fully outstretched and he was propped on one forearm with his head against the wall. His eyes slowly screwed tight as the dull ache sharpened briefly, then the static between his ears picked up in volume. He shook his head, trying to clear it, and gradually got back to his feet, stumbling into the living room.

He slumped across the couch, staring at the ceiling. He remembered the routine, drilling itself into his head. His vest was off, he needed to remove the kunai pouch, then the bandages, then the shoes, and put all of that away before removing the rest of his clothing to take a shower. After that was dinner, then two hours of free time to fill with whatever he was capable of, then bed. Lately the free time had been compromised of staring at the pile of clean laundry on the chair opposite him that had needed to be put away since Wednesday. He knew the routine. He decided to get a jump start on free time anyway.

He began counting all of the socks he could see sticking out of the collection of clothes. Organization and listing had always helped situate his mind and get him back on track. After ten or so minutes, he was finally able to unstrap the kunai pouch, tossing it across the room, taking care to not pay attention where it landed. There had been a week where Kakashi didn’t even carry the bag because Gai had taken it and every sharp object he could find in the apartment under the pretense of helping him hone his taijutsu by not relying on weapons. He had been content to let Gai keep the explanation at that. That might be something to revisit soon.

No. Gai had already done more than enough for him.

Kakashi found himself standing in his small bathroom. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed since he’d been in the living room, but he was now free of his bandages and shoes. He shrugged, reaching behind his head to untie his headband. Somehow, it had gotten knotted worse than usual and a section of his hair was caught in it. He yanked viciously at it, breathing in through gritted teeth at the sting then feeling himself relax ever so slightly. Forgoing undoing the knot, he slid it along the trapped segment of hair until the headband came free. That made it on to the counter. That never saw the floor, unlike every other part of his wardrobe had

.Next to the headband on the counter was a scattered collection of varying sizes of orange plastic bottles with thick white caps. The clinical labels all had his name, and the names of various antidepressants and antianxiety medications, as well as several painkillers and muscle relaxants and some antibiotic from the mission a couple years back where everyone returned miserably ill. Most of the bottles were empty, and he had held on to them meaning to get them refilled. He always had good intentions, but there was so many things to do in a day, and he ran out of energy usually three or four items into his list.

The one thing he could always count of having around, though, was some kind of pain relief.

Missions were hard, somehow harder now than ever with him as a jonin leader. He still had teammates, but they relied fully on him to take the brunt of every attack and to protect them at all costs. He couldn’t blame them, of course. They were children. He wanted nothing more than for them to be children and not suffer the same losses he had.

Still, he was sure to return from every mission above a D rank with at least a few nasty bruises. And any time Gai could rope him into a training session, he knew he’d come home needing ice packs and the heating pad and whatever else he could get to be able to train with his team the next morning.

And that was how he found himself glaring into the mirror, the bottle of white tablets shaking in his fist.

He was certainly in pain, that couldn’t be argued.

But how many to take?

No orange sherbet.

He shook his head vigorously again, walking back into the living room and falling onto the couch. He focused on a mark on the ceiling, breathing faster than he understood why while his vision started swimming.

There wasn’t orange sherbet.

He was a drain on Gai.

His students didn’t need him—they’d surpass him soon enough.

There were still villagers who called him Friend-Killer Kakashi,

He still saw faces every time he laid down to sleep.

He felt Rin’s blood splash onto his chest every time he used the Chidori,

Sometimes he understood what must’ve gone through his father’s head.

He couldn’t help Itachi

He couldn’t help anyone,

Sometimes, the corner store doesn’t have orange sherbet.

Sometimes, the little orange bottle that rattles doesn’t rattle any more.

He was in the kitchen, water dripping off his face and hands as he panted over the sink. How did he get here? He swallowed hard, his mouth somehow still dry, and turned the water off. The prescription bottle was laying on the floor. Then so was he. Against the cold tile, he was able to relax just a bit again.

It’d be over soon. He wouldn’t hurt anyone else ever again.

His thoughts became harder to string along, but that didn’t bother him. The thoughts he could connect didn’t sting as much as they usually did. It might be nice to put away that laundry, actually.

Every muscle was heavy. There was so much weight on him, and he couldn’t move. How much time had passed? He thought his heart was starting to race, and wondered if he was having second thoughts. But he couldn’t feel the ground beneath him any longer. He struggled for hours, days, to move his index finger to trace the hem of his shirt over and over. Could he feel it? Was he moving?

He rolled to his side, slowly bringing his knees up to prepare to stand. But his body didn’t move. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed. He couldn’t? His… It was his body. But? Was he? Could move? …Him?

Several centuries had passed before he heard the key in the door, and the door had already been sealed shut before he understood what the noise was.

“Ka-KASHI! In celebration of your return home from your latest mission, I made sure to grab a treat. Do you remember when you left the ANBU and we went to the corner store together? What a celebration to end all celebrations that day was! I was sure to grab the finest, most youthful of every snack—orange sherbet!”

***

Gai held the thin plastic bag up triumphantly, two pints rolling against each other. Normally he would have also grabbed spoons, but assuming Kakashi would be home, he was sure he could find two spoons somewhere in the apartment, even if he had to wash every dish himself.

It hadn’t gone unnoticed to him that Kakashi was on a downswing lately, but he’d always been the counter to balance his own exuberance, and he had complete confidence that they would move past this, too.

He nudged the flak vest that was crumpled on the ground at his feet. Kakashi must’ve been itching to take it off to have removed it the second he got inside. But why wouldn’t he have hung it up, or placed it at least near the hamper? This wasn’t part of the routine. Had he been badly injured on this last mission?

That must be it. He would have come home, shed his clothing, and jumped in the shower to clean his wounds and begin loosening his muscles. Much to Gai’s dismay, Kakashi seemed to be magnetically repelled from hospitals, preferring to treat his wounds himself as long as he could walk. So he must have some sort of torso injury, maybe bruised ribs or a minor stab wound, and he was surely tending to it quietly deeper inside the apartment.

The laundry he had helped Kakashi wash last week was still in the soft, cushioned chair in the dim living room. That wasn’t too surprising, he knew that was the first thing Kakashi would let fall by the wayside if something wasn’t going to get done. As long as the clothes were clean, he could wear them, even if they hadn’t been neatly hung, and that was something Gai could live with.

What he did not appreciate the sight of, however, was the kunai pouch halfway under the end table near the entry way. With such an inconvenient location, Kakashi surely must have made an effort to lose the bag and the knives it contained. He felt his heart swell with pride that Kakashi had the forethought to disregard the bag, but his heart deflated just as quickly with the knowledge that Kakashi felt it necessary to do so.

As he continued into the apartment, he called out his rival’s name once or twice. He must be home. The barrier seals hadn’t been placed over the front door, which means he either was here, or kidnapped from here, and the building still existed, so he must not have been kidnapped. So where was he?

Conscious of the rapidly melting sherbet in his hand, he turned down the hallway to the kitchen to leave the bad in the freezer while he helped Kakashi, presumably in the bedroom, bandage his wounds.

As he rounded the corner, flipping on the lights as he went, he heard a small groan. Nothing at eye level. Cautiously stepping forward, his foot sent a small orange plastic bottle skittering across the tiles.

Gai was barely aware of the sherbet hitting the ground.

Kakashi looked terrible. It was not particularly strange to find him lying on the ground, but there was absolutely no color in his face. Both of his eyes were lazily opened, and neither focused on Gai’s as he kneeled down to check his vitals. His breathing was shallow and his heart rate garbage.

“What did you DO?”

Gai yanked Kakashi up into a sitting position, grabbing for the prescription bottle. Depending on what it said, maybe this wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Maybe he’d been poisoned. Maybe even food poisoning. But the signs of an opiate overdose matched the label printed in cruelly clinical terms and he crushed the plastic in his fist. Kakashi needed to get to a hospital, and he needed to get there immediately.

He gathered his rival in his arms, not noticing his weight nearly as much as he noticed how limp he was, making no effort to not be ragdolled around. As he stood up, he took stock again of Kakashi’s breathing—shallower than a moment ago. After a second’s hesitation, he reached for the edge of his mask and yanked it down under his chin, hoping the direct access of air to his lips and nose might help. His lips had some color in them still, and he looked away, trying to respect the privacy of the man who he would kill as soon as he was saved.

***

Some time in the next twenty-four hours, Kakashi’s eyes opened. When they did, blinded by the light and surrounded by medical whites, he was shocked to find himself actually in heaven. What brought him back to earth was Gai, unceremoniously slapping his shoulder.

“What, my dear, dear rival, were you thinking?” he said, thankfully not as loudly as he could have.

Kakashi was at a loss. There were dozens, hundreds of thoughts racing through his head, but they all seemed password-protected and he didn’t have administrative access. He could barely open his mouth, covered by a thin towel, let alone form an explanation that would have made any sense to Gai.

Instead, he surprised himself by feeling the towel suddenly go cold and cling to his skin.

Gai panicked for a moment at the sight of Kakashi’s tears, then took a deep breath and slid forward to the edge of his chair. He brushed a warm, calloused thumb across his rival’s face.

“I know you’re in pain. I do. I don’t understand it, but I believe that you’re in pain and we’re going to help you get better.” He took a shuddering breath, noting that it was thicker with emotion than he had anticipated. “I don’t know what the future is going to hold for us, but the passion of our youth, and especially of your youth, Kakashi, is not close to over. So, whatever it takes, whatever the Yamanakas advise and whatever you need, we’ll make it happen. I love you, and you’re not going anywhere.”

Kakashi’s eyes widened, and Gai became aware that he had opened his Sharingan at some point to record this moment in his memory. He swallowed, feeling his throat begin to ache.

“I love you.”

Kakashi’s tears began falling in a steady stream, and Gai remained exactly where he was, brushing soft, silver hair off of his rival’s forehead. After a moment, he leaned further forward and pressed his forehead against the space he had just cleared.

In a small, scratchy voice he had not heard from the man laying before him ever in the past, he heard a whisper that nearly broke his heart.

“I love you too.”

#first fic ive written in years #hope its any good #pls let me know what you think #kakagai #kakashi hakate #kakashi x gai #kakashi angst

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imaginesfubu · 3 years

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Happy New Year + Long Update!

Happy New Year everyone! I can't apologize enough for being M.I.A. for more than six months. Like everyone else in the world 2021 wasn't nice to anyone. 2021 decided to claim four close family members and my paternal grandmother during the first week of the new year.

Trying to help my maternal grandmother battle depression and anxiety caused by nearly back-to-back deaths in the family has been understandably taking a major emotional and mental toll on myself and my immediate family, especially on my grandmother. Trying to battle my grandmother's depression, anxiety, and her stress levels along with my own has been emotionally and mentally taxing to say the least.

I've been spending more time with my family in the country (where Internetdoesn't exist) doing my best to be "okay" for them and myself. I've accepted all the deaths in my family, but please understand healing takes time and I needed that time away in order to heal.

Enough with my depressing news, time to hear some-

Good News + Small Victories

I graduated college in August

Met my long-lost older sister, her mom, and my niece for the first time

My cat Charlie is still a headass but in good health

The humor, love, and strength in my house is back to normal

Finally got my hands on the Switch OLED

Got a new professional part-time job

That's dope, but what does this mean for content?

Good question- not sure yet. Seeing as how I hadn't opened Obey Me! since God knows how long until this past weekend, I've gotta brush up on the main story and somehow get past Lesson 33-11 to catch up with the story. This may take a while as my broke 5-months-fresh-out-of-college ass with looming student debt ready to 360 no scope me any moment now is not paying real money in-game to level up my cards.

However! I will try my very best to learn more about these new characters coming out(!), while also expanding my knowledge and lore of the story and the original main cast. Until I catch up, I guess I'll try keeping up with Karasu because OMG BIRB BOI GOT LOVE WHILE I WAS GONE THANKS-!

Maybe add some of his interactions with Cerberus and Lotan and the rest of the brothers? Maybe?? Or use some of my real-life experiences as prompts for the Obey Me! cast??? Maybe???? How many more times am I gonna ask maybe????? I don't know, but please feel free to suggest what you think I should try! Or if you need someone to talk to about anything, feel free to swing by sometime. I'll do my best to get back to you as soon as I possibly can!

As always, thank you for your support and patience! Life is hard for everyone right now, and I hope to make someone out here smile, laugh, or just get away from it all for just a moment. To give you your moment of crack zen is why I'm here. Thanks for reading to the end of this vent + planning session and stay safe everyone!

#obey me #shall we date: obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me karasu #obey me swd

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corseque · 4 years

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ok I GOTTA throw in my 2￠ of lore speculation for wizard story because I love it so much lmao. I think that for the Wizard Test the wizard used a thread of the Enchanter's emotions to do the Impressive Thing he did to pass it - specifically the thread of love that the enchanter had for him (at the time) - and this spent the thread. Enchanter has had to live with this emotion magically severed, and can't heal it! Very stoked to see if we get wizard to heal it for them, this romance is delicious

Thank you so much for sending me speculation! (and before yesterday too)

Anonymous said:

Happy New Year! I don't know if you'll see this since you're taking an internet break (I wish I had the strength to do that lmao) or if this is too annoying, but here are my thoughts on the rest of the story. IT JUST GIVES ME SO MANY QUESTIONS. Like Enchanter doesn't seem to consciously acknowledge that cutting the flower means cutting away the emotion, not immediately. They only realize it later. But it's interesting that Relair just cuts without a second thought, I mean maybe he just wants

Something that belongs to/came from the Enchanter, because literally as soon as they say, I grew it, he doesn't ask any more questions, but just cuts it immediately. (Omg, wait, is it possible the leaf that he has is from one of the plants Enchanter grew??) It seems to me that what must have happened that night is that Relair kissed the Enchanter, glowing blue flowers grew, and then he cut them and used them for the potion for the queen. Which is why Enchanter says he just uses people

But the thing that I'm still hmmmm about is the level of Relair's knowledge. I mean, would he actually take advantage of Enchanter like that? The idea seems to be he doesn't fully know what he did, so does that he doesn't fully know what happens when you cut the flowers? And IF this is true, and this might mean the queen's emotions for him are technically fake, wouldn't he be more uncomfortable when she showed him her affection? That's the puzzle piece that I really can't figure out.

How much Relair knows and how much is intentional. On another note, gotta say, Gildermaine's meditating method seems actually kinda useful, despite the side effects? I mean, imagine growing your depression or anxiety into flowers and then cutting them all away. That would be cool. Also, I liked how some of the flowers that Gildermaine grew were tansies for petty hatred. Love the imagery of her quietly meditating seemingly calmly but she's actually compiling a hit list in her mind, lol.

Thank you! This is all very helpful for me. I think the only thing I can comment on is Gildermaine’s meditation method - I think it sounds helpful too, but I feel like Gildermaine took it to an extreme. And it doesn’t seem like healthy meditation, which accepts thoughts and feelings as they come to you and lets them pass without judgment. Somehow Gildermaine, in a shitty wizard kind of way, expelled every feeling and then she crushed them, until she actually accomplished the impossible in meditation, which is like... no feelings, head empty.

I think closer to what wizards do in practice is when wizards use emotion threads of negative emotions, which is powerful and also gets rid of their negative feelings, which can be good especially if they’re battle mages who don’t necessarily need to feel paralyzing fear and can stand to lose it. They practice using fear a lot, but they try to be careful not to use the kind of fear that keeps them from running into enemy lines. Enchanter did this kind of weaving with fear while healing the lady in the grove.

Sometimes wizards use a portion of a very strong positive emotion. The positive emotions are more powerful but generally people prefer to use negative emotions. It’s sort of similar to using Soul Threads.

#Wizard Story #skeelonsuniverse

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destieltropecollection · 5 years

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Destiel Trope Collection 2019 Day 15: Fallen!Cas

The Art of Sleep | @wingsdestiel Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 1631 Main Tags and Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Human Castiel, Dreams and Nightmares, Sharing a Bed, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff Summary: Castiel has trouble adjusting to being human, and has a particularly hard time sleeping. Dean helps him with his sleep issues, and if he thinks he's being subtle, he's not.

A Love of All Things That Grow | @rustling-pages Rating: General Word Count: 4909 Main Tags and Warnings: Miscommunication Summary: What Castiel does, after over a year of drama that didn’t give him time to get used to being human, is start a garden.

A New Beginning | @breathingdestiel Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 1452 Main Tags and Warnings: s14 canon divergent, angst with a happy ending Summary: After they admit their feelings and share a passionate night together, Dean is heartbroken to find that Cas has left in the middle of the night.

a walk in the park | @breathingdestiel Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 1236 Main Tags and Warnings: s12 canon divergent, fluff Summary: Dean and Cas go on a walk. It's a date, but Dean doesn't know it yet.

If Tomorrow Never Comes | @jupiterjames Rating: Explicit Word Count: 97806 Main Tags and Warnings: fallen Castiel, paramedic Dean, graphic depictions of violence, soul bond, hurt/comfort Summary: Doctor Sam Winchester and paramedic Dean Winchester work at one of the USA's most prestigious hospitals for supernatural beings and victims of supernatural occurrences. During an especially busy shift on a full moon night, Dean and his partner, Benny, respond to a dispatch for an injured celestial being. There they meet Castiel, an angel with a broken wing and a story he's not telling anyone about. After all, governmental agreements between Earth and Heaven have kept uninvited angels off of Earth for more than a century. But Castiel has willingly Fallen to Earth in order to stop a Disaster of divine proportions before it happens. And to do that, he needs the help and supernatural connections that the Winchester brothers possess.

Broken Wings | @pherryt Rating: General Word Count: 1627 Main Tags and Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Canon Divergent, Season 9 divergent, human!Cas, fallen!cas, Hurt!Cas, dean asks him to stay Summary: Sam succeeded - Crowley's cured and the Gates of Hell are closed and somehow he's still alive. It should be cause to celebrate, but all Dean can think of is getting back to the bunker as fast as he can. He's gotta find out if Cas is okay.

I Found | @cr-noble-writes Rating: No Rating Word Count: 1645 Main Tags and Warnings: fluff, angst, song fic Summary: Dean finds himself missing Castiel, and eventually comes to terms with his feelings for Cas only to find him again and wonder if he feels the same.

Worth the Fall | @DesiraeLovesDestiel Rating: Explicit Word Count: 25138 Main Tags and Warnings: Teacher Dean/Fallen Angel Cas, True love, smut, fluff, humor Summary: The angel Castiel was stationed on Earth to observe, not interact. When he takes it upon himself to intervene in an accident that would have claimed the life of Kindergarten teacher, Dean Winchester, there were consequences. Stripped of most of his powers, Castiel is forced to live as a mortal for one year. But after getting to know the man who led to his fall from grace, the angel soon discovers that he has a choice to make. Return to his post when his punishment is over and never see Dean again, or give up his near immortality to take a chance at a life on Earth with the human he has come to love.

Making love out of nothing at all | @marian-elisa Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 12758 Main Tags and Warnings: Canon divergence, human Castiel, friends to lovers, love confessions, slow burn Summary: A graceless Castiel realized he was in love with Dean. After asking Sam for advice, he decided to tell Dean the truth. From there, things didn't turn out as he would've wanted them to.

A Case of The Grumps | @lemonsorbae Rating: General Word Count: 1073 Main Tags and Warnings: Fluff, Canon Universe Summary: The angel is grumpy.

Home is With You | @thursdays-fallen-angel Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 6911 Main Tags and Warnings: Fallen!Cas, Alpha!Cas, Omega!Dean Summary: News of Heaven's forced exodus reaches them, but for the most part, it doesn't do more than graze them. They stay in the bunker, and as long as they're there, rumors of angry angels remain just that-rumors. Inside the safety of their bubble, Sam slowly begins to heal, and as Dean fusses over him and nurses him back to health, life returns to normal. An altered sort of normal, sure, but normal nonetheless. And thankfully, Dean keeps busy enough with his brother that most of his other stresses can remain safely on the back-burner. Well. All stresses except for the biggest one.

Endings Are Easy | @mittensmorgul Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 1569 Main Tags and Warnings: Episode: s14e10 Nihilism, Coda, Future Fic, Happy Ending, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts Summary: They all finally get a happy ending.

His Leather Jacket | @babybluecas Rating: Explicit Word Count: 10549 Main Tags and Warnings: canon divergent, bittersweet ending, first kiss, first time, fallen!cas, biker!cas Summary: Kicked out of the Bunker, Cas left to live his human life on his own. A few weeks later, he and Dean meet again to solve a case together and Dean can barely believe his eyes. Cas in a black, leather jacket, riding a motorcycle - that's a thing Dean's never expected to see, but he's surely not gonna complain.

There's a rule | @flurryflair Rating: Explicit Word Count: 15209 Main Tags and Warnings: Case fic, Explicit sexual content, Alternate Canon, Human Castiel, Road trip, Angst and feelings, Introspection, Denial of feelings, Mild gore, Canon typical violence, Past Dean Winchester/Lisa Braeden Summary: "He can see the sunburn blooming on Cas’s nose, the messy stubble covering his cheeks, the wet dip right above his lips, his eyes, blue and clear and staring at Dean with a longing that feels like it’s primal and raw and everlasting. And Dean wants to have him, wants to keep this, all of it, but he can’t say it. He doesn’t know how to love him in daylight, doesn’t know how to love him honest." ---- Sequel to "There's a nail", where they take the road trip and try to figure it out.

A Few of My Favorite Things | @zenmuppet Rating: Mature Word Count: 1764 Main Tags and Warnings: established relationship, blowjobs, smut, fluff Summary: Castiel has been human for seven months now, and he has found it increasingly annoying. The endless “maintenance” his body requires is his primary complaint, but he also resents the tedium of being polite, the physical weakness of the human body, and the extreme limitations of his five senses. There are a few tangible things, however, that Cas has found make his humanity bearable. These things make him happy, and he will indulge in them at every opportunity. These things are, in no particular order, coffee, cheeseburgers, driving a car, hot showers, blowjobs, kittens, and day spas.

Just a Sniffle | @almaasi Rating: General Word Count: 2027 Main Tags and Warnings: Canon Universe, Fluff, Schmoop, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Sick Castiel, Human Castiel, Affectionate Dean, Foot Massage, Light Petting, Sharing a Bed, Castiel and Dean Watch Television, Dean Watches Castiel Sleep, Sam Knows Summary: Cas is feeling under the weather. Dean skips a hunt to offer some gentle care – which apparently includes foot rubs.

Hold Your Breath | @anupalya Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 2462 Main Tags and Warnings: POV Castiel, Human Castiel, Domestic Fluff, First Kiss, Light Angst, Father Figures Summary: Castiel has the hiccups.

indisputably human | d_e_marcus (AO3) Rating: Mature Word Count: 5659 Main Tags and Warnings: Fallen Angel Castiel; Sad Castiel; Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence; Emotional Hurt/Comfort; Castiel Learns to be Human; Depression; References to Depression; Anxiety; Happy Ending Summary: When Castiel’s grace was stripped away, leaving him shockingly, indisputably human, the overwhelming number of sensations that flooded his body brought him to his knees. Or, the one where Castiel loses his grace, becomes human and is Bad at Feelings.™

I've Got The Scars From Tomorrow | @babybluecas Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 3404 Main Tags and Warnings: canon divergent, fallen!cas, first kiss, fluff and angst Summary: A slight change in Cas’s appearance triggers Dean’s memories of his short trip to the year 2014. Luckily, it’s nothing that can’t be dealt with, with a right amount of shaving cream and a razor. Cas is stubborn, Dean has a story to tell and they both learn something important.

Fall & Rise (WIP) | @blazeeblake Rating: Mature Word Count: 67714 Main Tags and Warnings: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Canon, Fallen Castiel, Dark Castiel, Mary Lives, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Canonical Character Death, Minor Character Death, Slow Burn, Angst with a Happy Ending Summary: During the war in Heaven, Castiel falls to earth and ultimately joins Lucifer as a Prince of Hell. Centuries later, he finds himself reluctantly ruling Hell in Lucifer’s stead, embittered by both his circumstances and the decisions that brought him there. But when a plan to to reignite the war surfaces, Castiel is launched into a battle of a different kind, one that pits him against those he once commanded and has him protecting the very beings whose existence led to his exile. On the night of November 2nd, 1983, Castiel’s interference in Hell’s plan brings him in contact with Winchester family, and from that day forward, as they struggle through the repercussions of circumstances that irrevocably change and bind them, they are each of them forced to reexamine their understanding of their place in the world, what they are willing to fight for, and who they truly are.

Your Story Isn't Over Yet | jscribbles (AO3) Rating: Mature Word Count: 75443 Main Tags and Warnings: sam's POV, sex swap, temporary female Cas, pregnant cas, grace baby, mentions of losing a baby, pregnancy, morning sickness, temporary character death, canon divergent, angst, grief, human Cas Summary: One morning, Castiel wakes up suddenly very lady-shaped, and Team Free Will discover that a nephilim grows inside him. Sam has no idea how this could have happened considering Cas was supposed to be human, and Dean seems uninterested in finding out how or why their friend is pregnant and female - but he seems goddamn excited. Castiel retreats into himself, seemingly more depressed than usual. Sam is determined to get to the bottom of this mystery, though the others seem reluctant to discover the origin of the nephilim. Could the answer be right under his nose?

#destiel #writersofdestiel #destielfanficnet #deancasfanficnet #destiel fanfic #tropes #destiel trope collection #fallen!cas #fallen cas

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hoseokmylovesworld · 5 years

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Picture of Love | 14 (M)

Pairing: Photographer!Hoseok x OC x Producer!Yoongi

Genre/Warnings: Hoseok AU/Yoongi AU/Includes strong language, anxiety attacks, violence, mentions of death, fluff, smut, dirty talk, rough sex, deep throating, choking, oral and vaginal sex.

Words: 9,464

Summary: Charlotte Galloway is the leader of the up and coming girl band, “She-Bang”, with a side hustle as a photographer for anyone who will hire her. She meets a fellow professional photographer named Jung Hoseok who helps “She-Bang” realize their dreams and Charlotte to make a love connection along the way.

A/N: This is the longest one yet, but please read to the end, it’s a doosey

“Leyah this is serious, come on.” I chide, yanking her back from flicking the blinds with her fingers in the empty apartment. After browsing the internet and newspaper idly for more adequate living situations for the last few weeks, the girls and I finally decided to actually take a look at some of them.

“I was just checking if the blinds were up to par...they’re not.” She flicks them again and they shake wildly, proving her accusation.

“We can always replace the blinds Leyah, what do you think about this place?”

“I think it’s way too small.” she responded curtly, looking up and around in an unsatisfactory way.

I sigh in defeat. “It’s one of the only ones we can afford so it’s gotta count as a definite maybe right now.” Leyah just hums and rolls her eyes.

The apartment we were viewing was much like the others we looked at this week. Two bedrooms, a small kitchen and a small living area. Everything was just small and as much a we needed a space to accommodate all of us and our belongings, we all made the same living and it just wasn’t enough.

“Well, maybe if you asked your loaded boyfriend nicely, he might pitch in.” Leyah muttered with her hand against her cheek as if she were telling me a secret. I slap her arm quickly.

“That’s not funny, Leyah. I wouldn’t ask him to do that, we’re not even like...together, together yet.” Leyah whips her head around to face me with a shocked expression.

“Are you serious? You guys haven’t talked about making it official yet? It’s been like...over two months.” Leyah’s eyes went out of focus as she did the math in her head.

“No, we talked about it.” I share as she follows me to check out the master bedroom once again. “He didn’t really understand why I didn’t want to be called his ‘girlfriend’, it sounds really selfish now that I’m telling this to someone else, but he understood. Like he does everything. We agreed to just be together without any actual labels. It’s like our own little ‘official’.” I shrugged, thinking back to that awkward conversation.

My breakdown in his kitchen, prompted many questions about our relationship from Hoseok that I couldn’t ignore. After going into detail about my strong aversion to the word girlfriend and relationships altogether before I met him, he decided he was content with simply being mine and vice versa.

“Wow, you are officially the luckiest girl alive.” She drawled, looking quite impressed with Hoseok herself. “Thank you, but I’m aware.” I smiled to myself and we moved onto the next apartment on the list.

After hopping all over town from Ocean Avenue to Daly City looking for apartments, Leyah and I crash as soon as we enter the apartment around 7:30 PM. I plop down onto my bed, lazily removing clothing items from where I lay and drifting to sleep easily.

“No, Char! Are you dumb or something?”

“Should you still be eating? Gimme that, you’re gonna get fat.”

“I should’ve known you wouldn’t be able to do it on your own!”

“Why do I even bother? You never do anything right!”

“God! Have you always been this dense?”

“I literally said the opposite. Fucking listen for once!”

“Gak!” I gasped as I was jolted out of my sleep by yet another nightmare. I look up at the ceiling, focusing on it’s squiggly pattern, trying to calm my heaving chest and my racing mind. The room was pitch black in most places, the only light being offered was by the moon in lines of white along the walls. I lie awake, convinced that if I attempt to go back to sleep, I’ll only be able to see his face barking at me for all of my defects and faults.

The sudden need to need to vomit that will never be relieved takes over my gut and the heaving of my chest has increased and as it was constricting tighter and tighter.

Instinctively, my hand flies to cover my mouth when the familiar sting behind my eyes begins. The last thing I want is to wake any of the girls and have them worry about me. I try and try to shake the nasty voices, but the tears keep coming and I can’t find it in myself to be silent any longer as it was getting harder and harder to breathe.

I quietly make my way to the bathroom, shut the door and climb into the tub where I hugged my knees and allowed myself to sob, but somehow still keeping the volume to a minimum.

This had to be the fourth one this week.

It would surprise no one that I am no stranger to nightmares and I that usually handled them better than most people did. That is, if you can call suppressing my own emotions and traumas handling it, then I’m your girl. But this recurring shit storm that I was experiencing was different than any of the nightmares I’ve had previously. The reason being: they were all about my past. And almost all of them were about Yoongi.

Whether the dreams were pleasant or brutal, I was always an emotional mess afterward, feeling empty from reflecting on my past. I would get them often after Yoongi left. That’s when the panic attacks started getting serious. Knowing that I was actually alone in the world with no one to call a friend or even care that I existed unleashed a lot of dark thoughts and I had to learn how to make it on my own for real this time. If I had known opening up to J-Hope was going to send me spiraling back down that dark hole, I would have shut up and ate my pancakes.

But, I can’t put the entire blame on him. He didn’t force me to say those things or revisit the past and as cheesy as it sounds, the nightmares only come when he’s not sleeping next to me. I’ve noticed over the past couple of weeks or so that J-Hope is my personal dream catcher and tonight has solidified the fact that if I didn’t have him by my side as I slept, I was royally fucked.

The pounding in my ears softened and eventually slushed to a holt. The vice grip on my heart faded at a devastatingly slow pace and my breathing evened out as I counted the tiles on the shower wall. I let out a thankful sigh once the room stopped spinning and I was painfully aware of the silence in the room. I let my body fall back and I turned to lie on my side, still letting the tears fall from my eyes silently. I debated calling J-Hope during the aftermath. Hoping my personal ray of sunshine would pull me from my depressed funk as usual.

It’s gotta be at least 3 am, he won’t answer anyway.

He might, we have to try.

And say what? Hi, I’m sad. Drop everything to make me happy?

Obviously not, but he cares, he’ll want to help.

He’ll want to go back to sleep and wish we never called.

Don’t do this. We need it.

It felt like my conscience was wrestling with itself or with me, knocking against my skull in the battle causing a pesky headache. It took all of my strength to peel myself off of the floor of the tub and drag myself back to the room, to the bedside table where my phone was. It was indeed 3:36 AM and the confirmation made me place the phone back on the desk and forget the idea of calling J-Hope entirely.

We need to sleep Char. Come on. My conscience scolded me again.

I wanted to fight back at least for the sake of my pride. I made it a point not to need anyone for anything after that asshole broke my heart and here I am needing someone else to be able to sleep. I felt pathetic in plain terms. But at this point I knew I needed to try.

I take the phone and a room key, sneak into the hall and slide down the nearest wall. I glare at the screen a while longer, hurriedly dialing the number before I could change my mind. After the third ring I moved to hang up and throw away this half-baked plan, but then I heard his beautifully, groggy voice through the phone.

“Charlotte?” he rasped. I gasped slightly, not expecting him to pick up.

“Uh, yeah. Hey.” I spoke brokenly. I didn’t take into account the condition of my throat and voice sounding like I just gargled glass. I sniffle subconsciously.

“What’s going on? Are you alright?” He sounds more awake now, coming to with concern.

“Yeah, I just…” I choked, not knowing what to do or say in this situation. I felt lost. My words were trapped in my throat that seemed to be closing in on itself again as I wipe more fresh tears from my face. “No.” I finally whimper.

“What’s wrong? Are you crying?”

I don’t answer as I am too overcome with emotion, my words being turned into snivels and moans. After a moment he tries to get a response again.

“Charlotte.” He calls out, making sure I’m still there.

“I’m sorry...for calling so late. I just didn’t know what else to do.”

“It’s fine, just tell me what’s wrong, baby.” The pet-name sends warmth through my chest and a fractured smile to my face.

“I’m…” How does one tell another ‘I’ve just had a panic attack and I need to sleep next to you’ over the phone? I scour my brain for answers.

“Uh...are you home?” I squeak through the phone.

“Yes, I am.”

“Can I...can I come over? I’m really sorry, but I-I just need to see you.”

“Of course, Charlotte.” I close my eyes and let out a thankful sigh.

“Where are you? I’ll come pick you up.” I could hear movement on his end, probably him getting dressed to get me.

“No! You don’t have to do that. You just woke up, I don’t want you to get into an accident. I’ll just call an uber.”

“It’s ten minutes, Charlotte. I’ll be there in no time-”

“No, please, just stay, I’ll be fine on my own.” I said sternly, not willing to budge this time. He figured as much. There was a beat of silence.

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.” I reply automatically.

“You know what, I’ll call it, just so I know you’re safe.” He decided.

I roll my eyes, but smile at the sentiment. “Fine, Jay.”

“Okay, I’ll see you when you get here.”

“Bye.”

I tiptoed back into the hotel room, to change into something more decent, but ready to sleep in and grab my necessities to head down to the lobby. A good amount of my clothes were already at J-Hope’s apartment, some makeup and toiletries as well so I didn’t need to bring much. I began staying over so often that it would be silly not to have my belongings over there. The girls made fun of me for it of course, but for once I didn’t buy into it. I was comfortable with our arrangements.

In no time I was knocking on J-Hope’s apartment door. I could hear faint footsteps before the door swung open in front of me to reveal him. He was shirtless and wore navy blue, checkered pajama bottoms and a comforting smile. I immediately threw my arms around him and buried my face in his neck. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into the apartment and closing the door behind me. We just stood there for a long while until I separated us. With no words yet to be exchanged, J-Hope led me to his bedroom and basically tucked me in and watched as I got comfortable.

“Do you need anything?” He asked, still standing off to my side of the bed. “Water? Tea?” He added. I look up at him through tired eyes.

“Water sounds great, actually.” I all but croak. All the crying I did took a lot out of me and I realized I needed to rehydrate. He nodded, scampering off to the kitchen.

He made it back in record time, handing me a glass of water after I sat up a bit. He finally got in bed himself and I could feel him watching me. Studying me to see if I would break down again.

“You don’t need to watch me like that you know?” I say glancing up at him, he suddenly looks down when our eyes meet. “Like I’m gonna break at any moment.” I mutter.

“I’m sorry...it’s just when I heard you crying I got worried.” He looks me up and down again while I look at my already empty glass. “Thank you...for worrying. I really didn’t know who else to go to. I’m sorry.”

He grabbed my hand from my lap and squeezed. I looked at his wide eyes.

“Charlotte, you have no idea how glad I am that you came to me. I’m always gonna wanna make sure that you’re alright. Please don’t be afraid to come to me with things like this. You can trust me...Okay?”

I looked up at his deep brown eyes so full of emotion and nodded, believing in every word. I was still very much in shock that he’s not acting like I inconvenienced him or that he didn’t turn me away in the first place.

“Okay. With that being said...Are you alright?” He asked carefully, caressing my hand in his. I think about it and I find myself nodding slowly, once more. “Yeah.” Now that I finally have you next to me, yes.

“Good. What happened?”

“Uh, I had a nightmare.” I admit hesitantly. J-Hope knows about my recent night terrors and most of their contents. No matter how much I wanted to hide it from him, it’s like he has the power to get me to talk about these things. Like a vampire using compulsion. But he doesn’t know that he’s the antidote.

His shoulders drop and he sighs disappointedly. “Again?” I nod. “And then I kind of had a panic attack.”

He makes a pitiful face and clenches his jaw. He motions for me to put the glass down and then to get under the covers. We cuddle up to one another, facing each other and he rubs my back soothingly.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” I sigh as the familiar words leave his mouth. It always seemed to help to get these things off my chest to J-Hope so I threw myself back into the mess that started this whole ordeal.

“He was yelling at me again...barking more like. All those obnoxious things he used to say whenever I did something wrong...And then I was running. Down this pitch black street that never seemed to end. Until I get to this weird looking building with one white door on it...Y-” I wince as I almost uttered his name.

“He came out and just stood by the door like he was waiting for me or something. And then I turned around to see Maeve behind me...she looked like she was waiting for me too...It was like I had to choose. And I didn’t want to, but...I chose him.” I laugh bitterly before continuing. “It was so real, like a fucking slap in the face...No matter what happened between us or what horrible things he did or said to me, I always went back to him...all while pretending like Maeve never even existed. I turned my back on her, just like I did five years ago.”

“That’s not true.” J-Hope interjected immediately. “I know you feel like what happened to Maeve was your fault, but we both know that it wasn’t. And you were coping with her death in your own way.” I let out another harsh laugh.

“Well, thanks for seeing it that way.” J-Hope suddenly scooched down to my level and tilted my chin up to look him in the eye.

“You don’t know this, but I have made it my personal mission to get you to stop beating yourself up this way and to, instead, make you smile whenever you do. You’re so much better than that. I just wish you saw yourself the way I see you.” He said sincerely. I let the corners of my mouth slide up one at a time at the statement, knowing that, that is literally what he’s been doing and well. My heartbeat increased and small currents of electricity found a home in my fingertips. I had no words and so I settled for a slow, searing kiss to get my message across. “Mission accomplished.” He whispered when we broke the kiss. We giggle and actually settle in for bed, turning off the bedside lamps.

“Night, Charlotte.”

“Night, Hobi.” A few moments of silence passed before I decide I have a confession of my own.

“Hobi.”

“Hm?”

“You don’t know this, but...you’re my dreamcatcher.” I say into the darkness.

He delivers a kiss to my wild hair and I smile once more before drifting off into a glorious, dreamless sleep.

++++++++++++

I opened my eyes lazily, adjusting to the change of scenery. I find a strong sense of comfort in Hoseok’s arms wrapped snugly around me and I nuzzle myself into him further. He does the same, pressing our bodies together firmly and tightening his hold on me. I attempt to fall back to sleep when I feel a soft kiss planted on the back of my neck, signifying that he was awake. He continued to kiss along the side and make his mark on my cheek and jaw causing me to giggle helplessly.

I turn in his arms to face him and kiss his lips hard, both of us smiling into it like maniacs. It’s not long until he tries to get on top of me and caress my body with his strong hands. I allow him to do as he pleases and arch my body into his, inviting him to grind his core into mine.

“I can’t even stretch my limbs before you’re trying to ravage me.” I laugh into his perfect mouth.

“Haha, well I had to try before you left me for the girls.” He goes to plant another kiss to my neck as my eyes widen with adrenaline. I dodge him, turning to look at the alarm clock that read 4:47 PM.

“The girls!” I push him off of me and run to the dresser in record time while Hoseok watches, cluelessly. “I totally forgot, we have a fucking gig today!”

The show today starts at eight o’clock and usually waking up in the evening doesn’t compromise that, but seeing as I only have three hours to shower, dress, beg the girls for forgiveness and travel all the way to a venue in Bodega Bay, I’m beginning to panic slightly.

I race to grab some of my own clothes in his dresser, scamper into the shower and crank up the hot water. When I return I throw on the fullest face of make-up I can manage while moving at lightning speed. I manage to buff out my foundation and concealer, slap some brown and gold eyeshadow on my lid and brush on some mascara while Hoseok finds something and freshens up.

“Uh, I’ll drive you.” He decided in his sleepy stupor.

“Thank you. I’m sorry bout this Jay, I’ll pay you back, I promise.” I peck his cheek on the way out the door. He just laughs, rushing with me to his car in our pajamas. “Don’t worry about it Charlotte, let’s just get you back.”

“Thanks, Hoseok!” I kissed him on the cheek once more before I’m flying out of the car and racing up to the hotel room, hoping to God the girls aren’t too mad at me.

I slipped into the room silently, not wanting to be seen out of embarrassment. The suite looked empty. Did they leave without me? The room was mostly silent, save for the whispering of two voices coming from the bedroom. My shoulders drop in relief as I approach the slightly ajar door, but I froze when I hear the deep, broken voice of Darren.

“So, what do you want me to do? Just stop feeling the way I do?” He huffed in his usual low register. What is he doing in our room?

“Don’t say it like that Darren, you’re making me sound like the bad guy.” I heard Leyah’s smooth voice join his and my eye brows furrow, my curiosity spiked even higher.

Darren replies, sounding defeated. “That’s what you’re saying though...isn’t it?” Leyah sighs and by the way the bed released a noise of pressure, I can tell she sat down. “Well, yeah...I guess I am...I’m sorry.” There is a moment of silence before Darren speaks up again.

“It’s just...it sounds stupid Leyah, but I can’t hold it in anymore.” My head cocks in interest at his ambiguous words.

“And I’m sorry, but I’m asking you to do exactly that.” I found myself leaning closer to the door as the conversation went on, hoping to get closer to what Darren was getting at.

“I just told you, I can’t. What do you want me to do?” He asked sarcastically with a bitterness to his voice. More silence.

“Look, I just want this to work out for everybody and in order for that to happen, I need you to-I don’t know, just somehow keep this to yourself, okay? I know I’m probably asking too much of you, but I promise you, it’s for the best.”

“So this works out for everybody but me, huh?”

“Listen to me, I know you want a second shot or whatever, but telling Char how you feel is going to help, literally no one, trust me.” Leyah pleads with her best friend in a soft, reassuring voice and my eyes widen immensely.

Holy fuck.

They were having this deep, arduous conversation about me the entire time. So, Darren really did have genuine feelings for me and knowing Darren, that’s probably what he meant to tell me the night of our fight. That was weeks ago. By then, I already knew Darren had feelings for me, but hearing that his feelings were so deep that he literally couldn’t hold back anymore was daunting. I try to keep my breathing under control and not give myself away as I continue to eavesdrop for more answers.

“Besides, Char is really into that J-Hope kid and...they’re good together.”She spoke with an apologetic tone. “You telling her how you feel would just complicate things. Or it might get you hurt and I don’t wanna see either of my friends hurt. I…I just want you all to be happy.”

“Happy-what about my happiness, Leyah? Every time I see them together, I just want to punch something. I thought you were trying to help me in this-”

“That’s all I’ve ever done, Darren! And this time is no different.” Leyah suddenly yells, causing me to jump back from the door and almost lose my footing.

“You may be blind to it because of your feelings for her, but it’s obvious he’s it for her...and vice and versa. I know you see it, you just refuse to believe it and I’m sorry, but there is no way an apology and a confession is going to win her over when all she can see is him. The way they look at each other...even Char refuses to see it, but I know you do...I am trying to help you...this is me, trying to help you. Please don’t do this.”

Silence.

I couldn’t help the corners of my mouth slowly turning up into a smile when Leyah said Hoseok and I were good together. I knew the girls didn’t mind him, but I never asked them what they thought of the two of us together. I’m glad my best friend approves because I intend to keep him around for a while. And despite how much I wanted to grimace at her saying he was it for me, I couldn’t fight the butterflies that erupted in my stomach at the thought. Day by day, I’ve been exposing myself to the wonderous world of monogamy that once disgusted me and coming closer to embracing it. It only took the most awkward encounter of my life to realize that Hoseok may actually be the one. I huffed out a laugh to myself at the revelation when Darren finally speaks.

“Damn, Leyah. Why don’t you tell me how you really feel?” He spat angrily followed by the sound of his footsteps heading towards the bedroom door. My eyes widened tenfold and I panicked slightly before tip-toeing to the hotel room door at lightning speed. By the grace of God I was able to open it and slam it before Darren barged out of the bedroom and directed his heated gaze at me, pretending I had just walked in. It quickly turned to shock and relief as he recognized it was me, his mouth opening and closing like he wanted to say something, but changed his mind. I had trouble controlling my own facial expressions, not expecting to face him this quickly.

“Darren-oh, Char. You’re here.” Leyah said, closing the bedroom door behind her and joining Darren and I. She exchanged her frown for an emotionless line.

“What happened to you last night?”

“Oh. I, um...decided to go to Hoseok’s last minute and I got...caught up-uh…I’m really sorry I’m late.” I stammer, trying to give Leyah an excuse that won’t trigger Darren in turn.

“It’s okay, Char. I called, they pushed us back, it’s all good.” She shrugged. I sigh heavily and practically throw myself at her, wrapping my arms around her.

“You are the literal best. Why are you not in charge?” I whisper into her neck. She just chuckles and says “Because you’re much better at it.”

I continue to hug her, recalling what she said about my relationship with Hoseok, helping me to realize what was literally in front of my face the entire time. “Thank you.” I whisper once more.

“Anybody coulda done it Char, it’s nothing...come on, stop being weird.” he began to shrug me off, the longer we embraced and I broke away from her smiling. I turn around, remembering Darren was directly behind me and immediately avoiding eye contact. “Okay. Where is everyone? We should head out, right?”

“They’re in the garage, waiting for us.” Leyah shares, leading us out of the room.

“What were you guys doing?” I glance at the floor, trying to play dumb.

“I spilled something in your room, while I was waiting for Leyah to get ready. She helped me clean it up. Sorry.” Darren told me robotically as we got on the elevator. The excuse created another batch of questions I could have asked, but knowing the truth, I just left it alone for fear of being found out.

My friends were all waiting in the van in the garage and had many questions for me once I finally showed up. I just apologize repeatedly and dodge their questions as much as I can until they get that I don’t have any interest in discussing what exactly happened to me last night.

The atmosphere during the gig lacked that usual feeling of giddiness and excitement due to the events that occurred in the past 24 hours. My mind was full of thoughts of Darren and this incredibly uncomfortable situation he unknowingly put me in. It was obvious that Leyah and Darren were feeling it as well, their gazes always glazed over and far away whenever I laid eyes on them, which wasn’t often as I avoiding Darren again. Whenever he happened to be standing near me, I quietly slipped away to busy myself or when our eyes met, my eyes would dart elsewhere immediately. The other members seemed as lost as ever and skeptical, like they hadn’t been let in on a juicy secret.

When the option to visit the bar at the venue presented itself, I jumped at the opportunity, in desperate need of a drink after our set was over. I take a seat at the bar by myself, not bothered or surprised that the band left me alone. I see Darren do the same at the opposite side of the bar.They most-likely noticed me acting off and decided to give me space. I actually prefer it.

I had just downed my fourth shot and was starting to feel the effects when Darren took a seat on the stool on the right of me. I tense up involuntarily. I continue to look at the counter intensely, not acknowledging him until he speaks first.

“Hey, Char.” I turn to him slowly and glanced up at him from under hooded lids. He looked worried, for which one of us I couldn’t tell, but it made me antsy. I just nod at him. “You okay?” He followed up. I just nodded again, wishing to be anywhere, but here.

“Okay, um, I was hoping I could talk to you for a minute.” He stammered.

I made a face before responding. “You are talking to me.” I drawled. He just laughed, his pearly whites on full display, reminding me how painfully beautiful his smile is.

“In that case...I wanna apologize again for everything I put you through in the past couple of weeks-”

“You didn’t put me through anything Darren, you...were trying.” I cut him off, not wanting him to beat himself up over something he couldn’t control.

If you wanna apologize for something, apologize for sticking your nose in my business all the time.

“Well, I’m thankful you see it that way, but I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting.” He said sincerely.

Then why are you doing this?

“I forgive you...I still haven’t apologized for those things I said to you weeks ago. I’m not gonna lie and say they didn’t come from a place of truth, but I really shouldn’t have said them, especially like that.” I ramble drunkenly.

“You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, just pills I had to swallow, I guess.” He shrugged. I just shake my head, thinking back to that night and how nasty I was to him. But I don’t speak on it anymore, knowing he would take my side every time.

“I also wanted to tell you something that’s been on my mind for a while.” He spoke slowly.

I turn to look at the counter again and sigh heavily and my heart beat speeds up significantly. Even after listening to Darren and Leyah earlier, I’m not ready to hear it from him for real, face to face.

“I know you were listening to Leyah and I earlier.” My head snaps up at him and the room spins slightly, my eyes widen. He just chuckles at my reaction. “I saw you run by the door to make your escape.” I wish I could laugh like him, but the severity of the situation still has me on edge.

“I guess there’s nothing to say then.” I say still trying to escape this confession.

“I wish there wasn’t” He replies.

“There doesn’t have to be.” I look up at him with furrowed brows and eyes that read ‘don’t do this.’

He makes a face, signifying that he recognizes my rejection, but he goes on.

“I know you’re into this Hope kid, but like you said, I’ve waited long enough, I have to try and I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get this off my chest to you now.” He says with a passionate stare.

My body I moves before it has time to recognize the command form my brain, getting up and walking past Darren. I just had to get away in that moment. I stumble back when I feel his strong grip on my arm, turning me to face him. My eye twitched and my hands balled into fists. “Char, wait.” he pleaded.

“Darren let me go right now.” I feel my breathing quickened as I tried to free myself.

“Char, I love you.” His intense eyes meet mine, his voice was deep and fierce. His words immediately filled me with a sense of dread and my heart pounded in my chest, I was struck again with the need to escape.

“This isn’t happening, please let me go, now.”

“No, please, just listen to me. There is no one for me, but you, I need you to know that.” I work on unwrapping his hand from my arm when I made eye contact with the bartender behind Darren. He looked me over and his face lit up with concern. He took off to the front of the club and I was left to fend for myself against my friend in this sea of people who seem blind to what’s happening in front of them.

“Darren, let me go, I need to get out of here.” I growled at him. His grip only tightened.

“Char, don’t be like this. Please, just give me a chance.” He urged, staring me down with desperate eyes.

“I don’t want to! I don’t want you!” I shout above the music.

“Darren, what the fuck!” Leyah’s voice shot from behind me. I turn to see her enraged face and a burly bouncer making his way towards us in the distance, the bartender leading him to us. I feel stinging behind my eyes as so many emotions came over me all at once because this situation has gotten way too out of hand.

“What are you doing? Let her go, you idiot!” Leyah joins in trying to separate us.

“Char, you can’t leave until you hear me out, please!”

“You’re hurting me!” I screamed just as the bouncer took hold of Darren’s arm and yanked it. Finally, I was free and clutching my arm, tears flowing down my face.

“Why are touching me? I didn’t do anything!”

The bouncer tried to restain Darren, but he fought back and the bouncer didn’t take kindly to that. In no time a fight broke out and we all backed away. Leyah tried to comfort me by wrapping her arms around my shoulders and I shrugged her off instantly, not wanting to be here anymore.

I slipped through the bodies and made my way out of the building onto the street, gulping in all the fresh night air that I could. I bend down, touching my hands to my knees, trying to get my breathing under control, counting backwards from ten. When I have enough confidence to roam, I quickly walk around the corner and hope the band doesn’t think to look for me here.

I never expected to want to hide from my friends in a time like this, but recently I’ve done it more than I would like to admit. I used to run to them for stuff like this and they would help however they could. It was never enough though. Before them I would bottle everything up because it felt like no one understood. No one does. Except Hoseok.

I would deal with the issue the only way I knew how. Sex and alcohol. I got the alcohol part down seeing as I’m still slightly woozy, leaning on a cement structure near the bar. The only thing I need now is an orgasm and all my problems should be solved.

I laugh bitterly and rub at the dry tears on my face.

You can’t fix this.

I can try.

I ignore my conscience and seek out my old method of numbing the pain as I pull out my phone and call uber to Hoseok’s place. I get myself together as much as I can in the back of the car, avoiding calls from my bandmates. My whole demeanor changed once I arrived and took the elevator up to his apartment.

I knock sternly on Hoseok’s apartment door, biting my lip in anticipation and restlessness. Thoughts of tonight's events playing over and over in my mind, making me jittery and somewhat uneasy. I shake it off, knowing Hoseok would give me just what I needed in a time like this.

He opens the door steadily, not expecting any visitors, and brightens when he sees me. “Oh Charlotte. Come in.” I do more than that.

I leapt into his arms, immediately attaching my lips to his in a feral manner, my fingers splayed out, running along the expanse of his muscular body.

“Mm, hello to you too.” He mumbled against my needy lips, but going along with it, kissing me back and caressing my body as well.

“I need you.” Is the only excuse I give, making brief eye contact before leaning down to suck at the juncture of his neck. He moans and plants kisses near my ear. I push him backwards in the direction of his bedroom, sitting myself on his lap, legs on either side of his hips as soon as he touches the bed.

“Have you been drinking?” He panted.

“Maybe.”

I suck his bottom lip into my mouth, nibbling on it hungrily as I grind my hips into his quickly hardening dick. I’m interrupted from my magical state when Hoseok takes a hold of the hair at the crown of my head and pulled gently. “You okay?” He asked slightly out of breath from our make out, seeking out my eyes.

I cup his face with both my hands and look him in the eyes intensely. “I will be…” My tongue slides out of my mouth to lick a slow stripe up his parted lips. “Once you fuck the shit outta me.” I look down at his glazed over eyes, raised eyebrows and sexy agape mouth, finding no signs of resistance, but of course everything about it said he saw right through me. But I could care less if it means getting what I want in this moment. He just nodded understandingly. “Okay.” He let his sinful tongue wet his lips before forcing my face to his to devour my mouth and the rest of my will power.

He made quick work of his plain white t-shirt, throwing it behind me and then unbuckled the overalls of my dress. I help the rest of the way, removing my shirt, leaving just my black lace bra. He takes a moment to admire the view and then he rips the cups of my bra down to suck my nipple into his mouth, flicking his tongue against it and repeating his actions on my other breast. I moan out, arching my back into him, continuing to gain brilliant friction from grinding my crotch into his.

I kiss my way down his neck and chiseled front until I’m on my knees, in between his legs. I fondle his dick through his sweatpants graciously and all-but rip the garment from his hips. He cooperates, lifting his hips and pushes down his underwear as well. I waste no time with teasing, taking his head into my mouth as soon as it is presented to me. Hoseok instinctively threads his fingers into my thick hair and tugs slightly.

“Fuck, Charlotte.” He hissed through his teeth and began fucking into my mouth. I invite him in further, relaxing my throat and jaw, letting it go slack to feel him hitting the back of my throat repeatedly. I let him do as he pleased with my body, enjoying the feeling of making him feel good. I celebrate the fact that the tears that sting the back of my eyes are the result of mutual pleasure and not from being triggered by too many built up emotions. No. The only emotion I feel now is extreme euphoria thanks to my affection for Hoseok. The yearning, the adulation, the complete infatuation I have with him. I look up through teary eyes at his angelic, gyrating form.

“Goddamn.” He groaned. “Such a dirty girl, looking at me like that while I fuck your little throat.” I moan around him and nod in agreeance as well as I could.

“You like that? Nngh...huh, baby?” He questioned as he forces my head down on his cock, my nose nuzzling his pubic hair. I gag trying to still manage a nod, my nails scratching at his thighs. He suddenly pulls my head back up by my hair, not giving me time to breathe as he captures my lips with his. Wetness pools in my underwear when he pulls my hair roughly to break the kiss.

“I almost came so hard down your throat just now.” He said heatedly, almost as out of breath as me. I whimper at the husky drawl of his voice and his fucked out gaze staring me down like he’s about to wreck me. “No, I got somewhere else I want it to go.” He looks me up and down, likcing his lips like he would tear me apart piece by piece any second now. And I was patiently awaiting that moment between his legs, loving the anticipation of it all.

“Where is that?” I rasped seductively, stroking his spit covered cock with both hands. He threw his head back quickly and regarded me cooly, almost scolding me for my actions with his eyes.

“Get on the bed.” He ordered, ignoring my question completely. I wanted to disobey, to rebel just to see what he would do. But my lust for him controlled me, forced me to rush to the top of the bed and remove the rest of my clothing at lightning speed. He just turned around and crept towards me slowly.

His hands glided along my legs smoothly, parting them further to make room for his glorious, naked body in between. He licked pleasant patterns into my thighs, moving deeper towards my incredibly wet core. He sucked one lip into his mouth before he spoke.

“Is this what you want?” I nodded eagerly. “What you barged in here demanding?” He cocks his head to the side and smirks a if to reprimand me.

“Yes.” I utter, guiltily.

“Not so bold now. Hm.” He sucks my other pussy lip into his mouth and pinches my thigh causing me to gasp.

“You know, dirty girls don’t usually deserve to get their pussy eaten. Do you?” He licks a swift stripe straight up my slit, slowing down once he reaches my clit. My breath hitches and I feel myself getting wetter at the filthy words falling from his mouth.

“Yes.” I breathed immediately. “Please eat my pussy, Hoseok. I need you, I need your mouth, making me feel good...you always make me feel so good, Hobi, please.” I pleaded, gyrating my hips into nothing in front of his face, just looking for some kind of relief and I was so close.

Hoseok seemed pleased with this performance and swoops down to flick his tongue against my clit at a vicious speed, making me throw my head back into the bed and wrap my legs around his head. He invites the gesture, dipping lower to take the bud into his mouth and attacking it that way as he held my thighs down.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Hoseok! Argh-oh my-yes!” I cried out helplessly, letting the immense pleasure take me away, his hair now in my vice grip. “Your fingers.” I blurted out, on the edge, my climax in sight. “Please give me your fingers.”

He didn’t hesitate to give me what I asked for, plunging two fingers into me and curling them forward to hit that spot that made my legs shake.

“Ah! Yes...I’m gonna cum.” I announce, the feeling of earth shattering pleasure fast approaching. Until Hoseok stopped what he was doing.

“What the fuck?” I whipped my head to look down at him and before I have time to register what’s happening, his cock was sinking into my heat and his hips were snapping into mine.

“Awk! Nnnnngh, fuck!”

I immediately fell off the edge, my body jerked as Hoseok’s dick collided with my g-spot, igniting violent explosions in the pit of my belly. My eyes cross and my vision goes blurry as I spasm against the sheets, focusing on the breathtaking pulsing of my hole around his cock. I arched my back into his chest and reach for anything to hold onto. Finding his neck, I wrapped my fingers around it and squeezed.

“Oh, shhhhit...that’s it baby, cum on my cock, just like that. So fucking good baby girl.” He growls into my ear, his gravelly voice sending vibrations through my fingers around his neck, causing warm electricity to course through my body. I gurggled mindlessly and subconsciously squeeze his cock at the erotic words.

He continues fucking into my lifeless body at a steady pace, breathing life into it with every thrust. My body recovers from before, but is inviting more overstimulating pleasure from Hoseok’s efforts to cum himself. So, I gather the energy to get him there.

I finally release my hold on his neck and grip his face to look me in the eyes. He gulps for air, still slamming into me steadily. “You fuck me so good, Hoseok. You made me cum so hard, baby. Only you.” Hoseok grunts, heavily. His thrusts becoming harder and faster, burying his dick inside me, staring into my eyes sensually.

“I can feel you pulsing inside me, ready to blow.” I purr, caressing his arms as they work and flex to propel him forward into me. He abruptly takes my legs to hike them over his shoulders, his dick delving deeper into me, creating a new delicious angle that has both of us moaning like mad.

“Holy mutherfuckingshit, you’re gonna make me cum again, fuck.” I spew, not being able to hold back with another intense orgasm barreling towards me.

“Can I cum in you baby?” He pants, his hips sputtering with how close he was to finishing.

“You can do whatever the fuck you want-uugh! Mother of fuck! No one’s ever fucked me like you do. I swear I could fuck you for the rest of my life. Oh my fucking God, I want you forever.” I whimpered, so fucking close to that white light.

“Argh, fuck!” He cums into me with so much force, I’m sent flying through time and space, frozen in this one moment dissolving into pure euphoria forever. I let out a shriek, my tense, jerking body unable to contain the pleasure coursing through it.

Hoseok collapsed onto me briefly, catching my lips in a passionate kiss before giving me room to drop my legs back down onto the bed. We couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves afterwards, neither of our mouths wanting to leave the other’s body. Moments later he pulled away from me and looked me over thoughtfully.

“What?” I whisper, the silence in the room making itself known now. He doesn’t answer immediately, still weighing whatever it was.

“Nothing.” He decides and places the covers over us, cuddling me. “We’re talking about that in the morning.” He points to the new bruise on my arm that Darren created and closed his eyes while I tried to formulate an excuse for what happened.

++++++++++++

I woke up to Hoseok tracing light patterns into the skin of my shoulder from behind me. I could feel his eyes on me, but not in a creepy way. I turn to lie on my back and regard his beautiful face with appreciation.

“Good morning.” He said, now tracing patterns on my sheet clad stomach on his side and resting on his head in his hand. His eyes were focused on what he was doing, almost like they were distracting him from something else.

“Morning.” I replied, studying his face. He looked deep in thought, his brows slightly furrowed and his lip tucked itself under his teeth as he thought of his next words.

He opened his mouth to speak, pausing in even more thought before he found the words. “Last night was very fun for me, but...what exactly happened?”

Jeez, so soon?

I too, distracted myself with his movement on my body as I tried to figure out what to say.

“What made you come over here...like that?” He wondered, concerned.

I sigh. “Uh, at the gig yesterday...Darren, he…” Hoseok’s movements stop momentarily at the mention of my guy friend/roadie and then continue again. I glance up at his face that was now filled with malice. A look that didn’t look good on his angelic features. “What did he do?” He whispered sternly.

I swallow nervously. “He...he told me he loved me.” I force out in a small voice. The words sounded so foreign coming from my mouth, a person who doesn’t even deserve love. It was like I was finally coming to terms with it after running from it since it happened.

Hoseok’s movements stopped again and his hand lifted off of my body by millimeters, in shock. He rested his hand on the bed and I look up at him to see his reaction. His face is disgruntled and conflicted. I can just see the gears turning in his head.

“And do you...do you feel anything for him?” He spoke, not meeting my eyes.

“No.” I say immediately. “Of course not...not in that way. Not when I have you, how could you even think that?” I asked incredulously, grabbing his hand and placing our joined hands on my stomach.

He just shrugs, his bothered expression gone. “Because he’s built, good looking and you could have anyone you want.” He forces a laugh.

I lift my hand to stroke his soft cheek. “Well I want you so none of that matters.” He finally looked into my eyes and smiled genuinely, swooping down to kiss me firmly. “And for the record, you’re the most handsome man I’ve ever met.” I say when we part. He blushed slightly and smiled wider in thanks.

“So that’s why you came all the way here so...excuse my French, out of it? And what happened to your arm?”

“Yes. I didn’t exactly react too well when he told me...I tried to leave, but...he held onto my arm to keep me there.” I relay calmly, analyzing the bruise that’s only gotten worse since last night. Hoseok’s look of animosity was back.

“He did this? What a fucking asshole! Who does he think he is?” Hoseok spewed a few more insults before I climbed my way on top of him. He was now on his back, my hands on his bare chest not caring to toy with the sheet that fell from mine.

“Hey, forget about him. The bouncer took care of him...I think. He just got a little passionate, we were drinking and hey, I’m fine.” I smile to convince him.

“But he hurt you and you’re okay with it?” Hoseok asked hesitantly.

“I didn’t say I was okay with it, he and I will have words, but I am fine.” I leaned down to kiss him. My lips moved against his and his hands reacted by gripping my butt. I let go after a few moments. “And I would like if we stopped talking about this for a while.” I request, giving my best puppy dog eyes.

“Okay, fine.” He relented, stroking my face with his hands and staring into my eyes. “May I ask one more hard hitting question, though?” His profound features didn’t match his joking tone, I had no idea what to expect.

“Go for it.”

“Did you mean it? What you said last night? About...forever?” His eyes were intense with curiosity, like he had everything riding on this. I do some quick thinking of my own. Hoseok is everything I’ve ever wanted in a man, that much is obvious. And as much as I say I have trouble with commitment and intimacy, I’ve already committed myself to Hoseok. We weren’t seeing anyone else, nor did we want to, plus we were infatuated with each other. I can’t ignore this fact. Even though I have some issues that needed work, that doesn’t mean I have to let it hold me back from life.

“Yes...I don’t know about forever, no one does, but...” I answer, honestly. I watch him smile brightly in front of me, basking in his warm glow. “I wanna be with you, Hoseok.” His eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“You are with me.” He grabs my hand and squeezes.

“Like be with you, be with you.” I thread our fingers together in the air, gazing into his beautiful brown eyes.

“But I thought you said you didn’t want to...you know...labels?” There it was, that look of hopeful curiosity that Hoseok wore best and that always made me grin.

“I know, I know...I’m just done with letting my issues control me.” He smiles proudly, resting a hand on my cheek and stroking, gently. “So, Hoseok, if you’ll have me, I would love to be your...your g-girlfriend.” I fought back the bile building up with the sound of Hoseok’s comforting laughter. He grasps my cheeks and brings me down to his level, putting our foreheads together fervently.

“I think I’m supposed to ask you that.” He laughed.

“Well, when you do, I’ll say yes. Easy as that.”

He nods happily. “Are you sure about this? I don’t want you pushing yourself too far.”

I shake my head. “It’s the only way I’ll learn...and I wanna learn with you.”

Hoseok regarded me with a look of longing in his eyes and kissed me once again with so much emotion, it spread warmth throughout my entire body and tendrils of electricity to the tips of my fingers and toes. “Okay....okay.”

The two of us lay there whispering sweet nothings until I heard my phone buzzing from across the room and I sigh, figuring it was time to stop ignoring my friends. Hoseok properly stretches and I dangle my body off the side of the bed to reach for my phone and check my messages.

Several calls and texts from each of the girls riddled my screen, but I was surprised to find no messages or calls from Darren. I settle back into bed and Hoseok attaches himself to me again as I call Leyah back to check in.

“Char, hey, are you okay?” She picks up right away and her troubled voice filled my ears.

“Yes, Leyah, I’m fine.”

She sighs in relief. “So I can assume you’re with J-Hope right now?”

“Yes, I’m at Jay’s right now.”

“Okay, well, you might want to get back soon.” She said nervously.

“Why is that?” My skeptical tone caused Hoseok’s eyes to pop open in intrigue.

“Uh, Darren kinda got arrested last night after you left and we’re gonna go bail him out.”

I rolled my eyes and rubbed a hand around my face in annoyance. Well that explains the lack of messages. “No, you all can go bail him out, I’m going to stay here.” I say sternly. Hoseok moved to rest on his elbows beside me, studying my stressed out face.

“Are you sure? He mentioned wanting to see you.”

“I could give a fuck what he wants right now.” I spat. She just sighed. “Okay. I guess I’ll see you...later then.” She said dejectedly. I groan, hoping I don’t regret what I’m about to do. Her depressed tone shot right through me.

I know Leyah just the best for her friends and for me to just stop hiding and get this over with, so I figured I’d do her a favor.

“Wait, Leyah...I’ll go. I’ll be there soon.”

“Okay. See you then. Thank you.” We hung up and I ran my fingers through my hair roughly.

“Is everything okay?” Hoseok asked rubbing my arm comfortingly.

“No.” I answer easily, knowing the truth. “But I have to go. I’m just gonna take a shower first if that okay?”

“Yeah of course. Is it okay if I join you?” I just pecked his lips and nodded.

The shower was quick seeing as I had somewhere to be and I threw on a white t-shirt, black skinny jeans and the Doc Martens I wore last night.

On our way out, I see the glass on the nightstand from yesterday in the same place that I left it and decided to clean it up. Hoseok continues to gather his things in the bedroom as I make my way to the kitchen. I stop in my tracks when I see a familiar figure standing at the counter with his back to me. His height, shoulders, back muscles and even his hair (that was now a tinted, dark red) were all very visceral, creating flashes of so many memories in my brain.

My heart rate accelerates and my world begins to spin when the stranger finally turns around and I find that he’s no stranger at all.

His gorgeous face scrunches up in confusion and complete awe at the sight of me. “Charlotte?” His rugged yet celestial voice traveled over to me, sending a sinister chill down my spine.

“Yoongi?” I whisper brokenly.

“Oh, Yoongi hyung, you’re back!” I straighten up and blink away the blurriness in my eyes at the sound of Hoseok’s voice behind me.

“Charlotte, I see you’ve met my temporary room mate, Yoongi. Yoongi this is my girlfriend, Charlotte.”

My heart leapt into my throat as the glass I was holding clattered to the floor, exploding into pieces.

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1358456 · 5 years

Text

Review Response, Dec 22 - 28, 2019

“28″, but I’ll be including the reviews that came in this morning. Because hey.

And... there are a lot. The most this year.

Legacy Prologue - Kalos

1) That first part DEFINITELY reminded me of the XY chapter, except Y is being the Hikikomori (shut-in) and X is trying to drag her out... It’s a good role-reversal!

I also wanted it to be like the time in XY where Y found out what happened to her mother and she got super depressed. Except this time, X tries to do something about it. Finally.

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Legacy #008

1) LOVED IT!

Thank you!

2) Poor moon. I loved this chapter

Hey, it’s you! <3 Thank you kindly.

3) WoW cool chapter. So blue confessionele next chapter hopefully? Lol have been waiting on that for the entire story so Lets hope its the case

Haven’t we all. ... Except for those that don’t like this pairing...

4) It’s nice to see platinum trying to help blue move things was a good chapter with nice interactions with the juniors and seniors all under the same roof

It’s like a big Dex Holder family! ... But not too big, since there are far too many of them nowadays! And despite Platinum not really wanting to get involved, she helps out anyways, as “foretold” by the Headcanon Chronology!

5) While Moon really should rest, the idea of her getting that Spirit of Vengeance team you posted about on your Tumblr sounds way too awesome. ...Also Umbreon bias since it's my first (and only) shiny, but yeah.

Poor Blue - it really is probably only going to hurt her the longer she keeps it in. Wonder how that is going to play out, since I guess Platinum's now put things in motion. I think the first scene in this chapter is the one I enjoyed the most.

Damn, for Moon's Pokemon to die like that...that's gotta be traumatizing. I have to admire that determination though, even though she's shaping up to be a revenge-obsessed character from what I see.

Awesome chapter as always and can't wait for the next one!

Hehe. Spirit of Vengeance. The amount of curse in that team would be quite terrifying. Hehehe... ... Only shiny, you say? Aww...

Platinum has gotten the ball rolling despite not really wanting to. MVP of the confession? Hehe... Sisterly bonds, indeed. Now, will it work out in favor for Blue??

Moon can’t be filled with a lust for vengeance if none of her friends and Pokemon have perished. And so now she rises from her agony with ice cold determination for blood to be spilled for the blood that had been shed. ... Or does that saying go the other way around? Heh. Regardless. She’s pissed, has a bow, lethal poison, and soon to be a team packed with ghosts (and Dark types).

Thank you as always! And you won’t have to wait long~!

6) Eh lucky really isnt my cup of tea but the way you write stories is pretty awesome keep up the good work!

I could tell by the anon ID you picked. To each their own. And thank you!

7) Awww blue being so shy hahahaha. Its like the roles have reversed since the first time they met thats so cute! Anyway Great story as usual

Hehe. Timid Blue~! It’s new and very cute, isn’t it? And thank you.

8) Hey man Great story looking forward to the next chapter

Thank you. It’s coming very soon.

9) Wow this is A really underrated story I really like how you keep most characters so in character!

Still underrated... in comparison to my previous stuff. But that’s to be expected, I guess. And thank you.

10) Well Colour me surprised ! A Pokemon story thats not forcing crack pairings! Anyway Where is green in this story?

Heh. Crack pairings... Only once in a solar eclipse. And... who? Heh. He’s in Kalos and thus off screen.

11) Wtf did moons Pokemon just die? Great story but damn thats fucking dark

Yes they perished in the fire. “Die, insect” and all. ... And one of them was an insect! Heh. Ahem. ... Dark? That’s not dark. Have you seen the stuff I did in SA and Destiny? Heh...

12) I mean I kinda like the story but isnt specialshipping canon? Also this is really really dark

No, it’s not canon. What is canon is that Yellow has a crush on Red. What’s also canon is that Red is uncomfortable with the idea. And of course he is. He thought she was a guy the whole time and then suddenly found out all at once that she was a girl and had a crush on him. His response is not going to be positive. And again, this is not dark. ... Though I guess that depends on your sensitivity.

13) hey sorry for not leaving A review for so long but I still really like the story lol!

Hey, you’re back. ... Then... who’s the anon with the v2 of your ID?

14) I love your writing style!

Thank you!

15) I somehow found Pearl smacking Black across the face to wake him up funnier than it should’ve been. Haha

I wonder if Blue really will confess to Red today. If so, I wonder how the opportunity would present itself.

Its quite sad that Hau, Lillie, and two of Moon’s Pokemon died. I guess this is where Moon’s overhaul comes in. I cant wait to see Moon’s viciousness unleashed when she inevitably meets the guys responsible for all that.

I look forward to more!

Hehe. Black always getting smacked around in my stories, literally and figuratively.

Will Blue truly confess on that day (which is a day before the stuff in Alola happens), or will she fail again due to anxiety? And will it end well for her??

Moon’s overhaul is happening now, yes. For that, she’ll have to go to Galar too. And I don’t know sh*t about that region, so... that’ll be difficult. Hehe. And much later in the story when she meets her foe... oho, Rage Unleashed Moon!

16) Moon and Lillie sure get burned really bad. Also, what about the kid with the malasadas? Hopefully, Blue will confessed to Red soon...

The local boy with the malasada had the same fate as Lillie. Two stretchers with a body on top, with the white blankets pulled all the way up.

17) I figured that now would be the best time to give a review for one of your works. therefore, I should review my personal favourite.

I been a consistent and long-time reader for numerous years now without ever leaving a review. I simply didn't have an account until recently just so I can give my thoughts on some of the series that you make.

Regarding Legacy as a whole, it truely showcases your ability to take the wide variety of dexholders and thiee different personalities and place them in situations that would absolutely never occur in the actual story. I have always loved the way you portray each individual character, improving thier teama and strategies and having genuine character growth. Although Sun and Moon are my uncontested favourite characters so far, I adore the way you use Platinum B in your stories, giving her a genuine personality and character traits.

You also generate a wide range of different and creative settings for each of the characters to go through. Legacy is the perfect example of this in terms of one truely coherent story setting. by using the opportunity of the highest stakes that these dexholders may ever face, you use the opportunity to explore all of the aspects of each character amazingly and how they would face this danger.

Since Sun and Moon are my favourite characters, the wait for this chapter absolutely killed me. Although it sucks that due to the lack of reviews for these characters I will get few opportunties to read your way of presenting the characters What I am trying to say is that the way you write your characters makes them feel REAL. I genuinely believe that these are the actual characters as they personalties are replicated and refined to perfection The way both Sun and Moon react in this chapter is exactly the way I would have expected them to. Being a Deliveryshipping day 1, seeing even the slightest interactions in any media, especially in your stories always brings joy to me. I have regulary reread most of your works such as Special Chronicals and Distinct Events becuase each story is chapter is amazing in its own right.

Your amazing work has inspired me to possibly start my own project one day. I am sorry for the stress that you have gone through this year and the issues with the Discord. It will get better this year. Seeing as you use reviews to indicate the popularity of a particular series, I had to write this review so that this series can get the update it deserves so that we can all see how this fantastic story ends. Thank your for all of the amazing work you have done.

Whoa, hello. Haven’t gotten a review this long since a certain someone stopped with Destiny reviews back in July.

Accounts aren’t necessary for the reviews. Guest reviews exist! And if you use the same anon ID, I’d know it’s you. But thank you for going through the effort! It’s much appreciated!

Aww, thank you very much! <3 And while I don’t know about Sun, but Moon is going to be in the spotlight quite a lot, so enjoy it! Since Platinum is my uncontested favorite, she gets plenty of development in my stories, with new character bonds, teams, battling style, etc. And unlike in DPPt, she actually gets to do things against the enemy.

Of the three major stories I’ve written (SA, Destiny, Legacy), Legacy has the lowest stakes. But I think it’s also the most personal, which I guess means it’s much more important for individual Dex Holders. Well, we’ll see as time passes. And yes, these are kind of things that would never happen in the actual arcs, so the Dex Holders get to be stress-tested. How would they react given their personalities, tics, relationships, etc, in a realistic situation?

Oh. ... Ahem. Sorry for making you wait 7 months. Ehehe... And while it’s true that Sun and Moon currently have the lowest “viewership”, that changes as time passes. Like Black and White in SA and X and Y in Destiny. As the “meh” torch is passed down to Sword and Shield, Sun and Moon might rise in popularity, thus increasing the chances of them appearing in my stories.

I don’t really know if this was how Sun would react though. But I also don’t know how he would’ve actually reacted, so this might not be outside the possibility range. I kind of had him act like Black, really, but without being as sweet... or loud. Well, there will be more Sun & Moon interactions for you to enjoy in the upcoming chapters, so... there you go!

You should start your own project! Go for it! And eh, Discord. Sh*t happens. I wouldn’t call that stress. Anyways. Yes, I use the review count as an indicator of how many people have finished the chapter. Of course, there are plenty of people who read the chapter to the end without reviewing, and the number of people who review after reading tends to fluctuate. But if there is a trend, that indicates a trend in viewership as well. And that is what I look at. Hence the charts. And yes. We’d all like to see how the story ends. Me included. Keep up with the reviews and we’ll all see it by 2021.

And thank you so much for the review and the... sweet talking. Hehe <3

18) Just found this story and am enjoying it thoroughly. Big fan of your Blue characterization as well, I used to enjoy shipping Red with Yellow, but recently, I've come to enjoy Blue with Red.

A small nitpick - Did none of the juniors comment on Red and Blue sleeping in the same room/bed while they stayed in Red's house in the last two chapters? I would assume the female juniors already know Blue likes Red and so won't say anything unnecessary, but I guess the guys are a little more tactful than we give them credit for?

Looking forward to me. Cheers.

Red with Blue works very well. And it’s cute! Hehe... ... biased.

Heh. The girls... already know, since the girls who are in the house were Platinum, White, and Y, and they already know of Blue’s crush and all that. So White and Y would just snicker at the fact that Red and Blue are sleeping on the same bed, while Platinum would just smile. As for the boys... Diamond might notice something if he spent more time talking to Red and Blue before and after. But I doubt Pearl or Black would notice anything odd. They’d probably just assume that Red and Blue are sharing the bed because a ton of guests were sleeping in the living room, so there were no other options.

Of course, all that’s assuming that the juniors know that Red and Blue are sleeping on the same bed. I don’t recall having Red and Blue give them a tour of the house, so as far as the juniors know, there might be another bed upstairs. ... Though a house tour is generally the first thing you do, but... heh. Ambiguity. No one knows for sure.

And I look forward to seeing more reviews from you!

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Well well. Would you look at THAT. Way above the average now. So... looks like I’ll have to keep my word and update Legacy again before this year ends in 3 days. Heh. Of course, I did notice a few things but... well... whatever.

18. That’s the most reviews I’ve gotten in a chapter in all of 2019. Or 2018. ... And vast majority of 2017 (Legacy Prologue - Kanto was in January 2017). If this kind of thing happened much more frequently, I would be updating Legacy like once every two weeks, instead of 3~4 times in a year.

But, there you have it! New record in almost 3 years. As a result... Legacy update in 3 days.

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DE #031

1) Sun and moon are so cute. I love them

Support the new...ish pairing!

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And with that, DE #031 is no longer in the top 4 least reviewed. Yay!

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SC #017

1) Awesome story.

Thank you.

2) Well that was...brutal alright. Thugs deserved it though. I'm mildly surprised no one died, but I think that's more because I'm used to seeing that from your old "doom hammer" chapters.

I admit the Santa part was an amusing touch, and I guess that explains why you needed to release this by the end of the year. Heh, Blue's gadgets are useful as always and very effective - that's a nice disguise. That action scene was awesome and easily the best scene in this chapter. The situation aside...it was nice to see Red be a hero even without his Pokemon.

You were right - this is an enjoyable chapter and I like this "brutal Red" experiment. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Heh. The doom hammer is for serious stories. Not comical ones. So no one dies in the hands of Santa Claus. This time.

Ahem. Well, there’s the inspiration for the chapter, and the reason behind the line of “Or Santa will go jolly on your naughty asses with a candy cane axe”. Hehe. Cheers, everyone, Santa has come to town!

And the duo of Red and Blue becomes much stronger. Mercenary Red with technological support!

Hehe. Much more serious brutal Red (instead of comical) to come up later as the experimentation continues. Ohoho!

3) holy crud, santa beating up a gang is greatest thing ever

Yep. Santa going to town on their naughty asses with a candy cane bat. What’s not to love?

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And with that, the latest SC chapter is now in the top 4 least reviewed. For now?

... Looks like the “A Day at Work” chapters are failing miserably, since they’re at 1 and 3 reviews respectively. So... I guess I won’t be doing that again.

And with this, the longest review response post of 2019 has come to an end.

#qna

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kunaigirl · 5 years

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Fuck it I’m Depression-Posting on main because lmao I gotta cope somehow. (block the tag “Depression” ahead of time if you don’t want to see this bs)

I wish I didn’t feel so stupid over my interests, I wish my art was actually worth while or mattered, and I wish I didn’t have to feel this way all the time. Everything is just making me feel empty. Even drawing isn’t doing it for me much lately and drawing is my everything, even if I’m not very good at it, it still could always at least make me happy or feel better.

I’ve already been in therapy for over a year, and it has been helping along with my medications. So, why am I still feeling this way? I guess it doesn’t help that it’s not just depression I’m constantly battling but also PTSD and anxiety too. All that fighting really tires you out, and no one can even see it.

#depression #asdhlsjsk sorry #im just #i woke up upset and now i cant sleep

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katecarteir · 6 years

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you told me that you’d wait forever

Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier (Reddie) | Mature | 2.3k

Part three of the Connection Series

Richie hadn’t moved from Stanley’s guest bedroom in three days. If it hadn’t been Stan’s dedicated care for his childhood best friend, Richie knew he very well would’ve starved to death by this point. Stan had bringing Richie meals and drinks regularly throughout the whole day, and Richie had eaten them just as regularly despite not being hungry, because if Stan was going to put this much effort into keeping Richie alive then Richie was going to stay the fuck alive.

The door to the guest room opened, but for the first time in three days, it wasn’t Stanley who came in. It was tired and puffy faced Audra, with a small plate holding a sandwich and potato chips on it. She crossed the room quickly, placing the plate on the bed and sat down quickly. Her eyes danced across his face and she shook her head slightly.

“I’ve been trying to see you for three days,” Audra said quietly, reaching out and pushing Richie’s greasy and flattened fringe away from his forehead. “Stan’s been a serious guardsmen, he won’t let anybody in to see you. Thought he was going to rip Bill’s dick off and make him eat it when he tried to get past.”

Richie smiled for the first time in days. “That’s my Stan.”

Audra chuckled, tucking the strands of her hair behind her ears. “It was pretty great, I’ll admit. I got a kick out of it. Eddie and I have been here pretty much the whole time, taking turns with the food runs.”

Richie raised his brows. “Eddie came?”

“Eddie actually slept outside the front door last night.” Audra said with a surprised look. “I thought Stan was at least telling you people were here, I… I don’t know. I always thought I was protective of your emo ass, but Stanley Uris put me to shame. I think the only reason he let me in here today was because I pointed that we’re technically catching a flight back to Cali in the morning so I actually do need to see to you.”

Richie nodded, letting his eye close. He’d known that was depression was settling in when he’d been able to sleep for sixteen straight hours after Stan brought him from the bar, and was still constantly tired. Richie Tozier had always been good at sleeping, that was true, but when he hit his lows all Richie would do was sleep if he could get away with it. He usually wasn’t, but Stan had made it pretty easy for him to get away with it the past few days.

“You’re not coming back to California, are you?” Audra said, looking as though she’d expected just as much from Richie.

He gave her a bland smile. “I’m sorry. I’ve spent so long running away from Maine and my old friends, I feel like, it’s not helping me in the long run. It’s just making everything worse. I can’t avoid my life forever, it’s what’s caused all this shit.”

“Giving my own unasked for opinion here,” Audra jumped in, frowning. “But I’m pretty sure it’s coming back to your old friends that caused all this. There’s nothing wrong with walking away from things, Richie, if they’re this hard on you.”

Richie shrugged up on shoulder. “You’re the only who’s good enough for me. We know that.” Audra held out hand and Richie reached out and grasped onto it. They both leaned forward and bit onto their thumbs. Richie supposed he must have done something very right in his life, to have earned the right to be friends with both Audra Phillips and Stanley Uris.

“I’m probably going to head out, then,” Audra said, rolling her eyes. “Gotta get my stuff together- waste of a hotel room, really.” She leaned forward, pressing a kiss to Richie’s forehead then stood up. Once she reached the door, she held her hand against the wall and slowly turned to look at Richie. “Rich?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s okay to fall off the wagon,” Audra said slowly and Richie’s stomach dropped. “I’m not like… encouraging you to drink or anything. But I think, I think you need to know that you can loose a battle and not loose the war, yeah? You can get back up. I’ve seen you do it before.”

Richie smiled at her, trying to disguise the tears in his eyes. “If uhm… You can tell Stanley that he can send Eddie in.”

Audra raised her brow but didn’t argue. There had always been a certain level of understanding between the two of them, from the very beginning. Audra didn’t need to ask if Richie was sure about anything, ever. She always knew when he was, and when he wasn’t. Maybe better than even he did himself.

Audra hadn’t been gone very long before the door was being pushed open again and Eddie Kaspbrak was tumbling inside as though he’d been expecting it to be locked. Richie could vaguely hear Stan calling after Eddie, but couldn’t make out any of the words. Heart hammering, Richie brought his eyes up to look at Eddie. Somehow the man looked almost as bad as Richie imagined he did himself, with his hair a complete mess and deep bags under his eyes. He let out harsh breath at the sight of Richie in the bed, moving closer but not taking a seat.

“Fuck, Richie,” Eddie groaned. “I keep leaving you. I swear to God that isn’t my intention, I- I’ve never wanted to leave.”

Richie just looked Eddie over, knowing that he had to choose his words so carefully. If he did what the burning in his chest was imploring him to do, they’d end up no better off than they already were. All he wanted, with every inch of his soul, was drag Eddie down to him and kiss him until his lips fell off. Though, it likely wouldn’t be any good with how disgusting they both looked, but a guy could dream. And that’s what it would be. A complete dream. Because there was no chance of Eddie Kaspbrak and Richie Tozier holding any sort of healthy romantic relationship- definitely not right now, and maybe not ever.

Eddie was still hovering by the edge of Richie’s bed, swaying slightly, and Richie let out a harsh breath and scooted over. “Would you please sit down? You’re giving me anxiety.”

“Sorry.” Eddie muttered, cheeks turning a cute little pink colour as he settled into the spot Richie had previously been holding. They were several inches apart, no contact between them outside of the bed they were both seated on. Richie pulled the blankets a little higher on himself and looked down at his hands.

“I’m not mad or anything,” Richie said through a rough throat. “I feel like I mentioned that last night, but it probably got a little bit lost. In all the rest of the shit, you know? I don’t… And I feel bad that you didn’t leave for real. You deserved better than for me to just assume you’d bailed, I don’t…”

“I should have left a note,” Eddie interrupted him. “It wasn’t fair of me to just leave and think that it would have been fine. I didn’t think that it was going to take that long, and I never really tried to reach out again after realizing you’d left.”

“I guess we both just assumed it meant nothing to the other person,” Richie laughed humourlessly and Eddie finally turned to look at him.

“I loved you back,” Eddie said in a sudden rush. “In high school, I loved you. I really did. But I young and stupid and in the fucking closet… when you, when we… I freaked out. And I’m sorry.”

Richie reached out and patted Eddie’s shoulder, and squeezed him there. “I’d tell you that I loved you back then, too, but you already knew that. It’s okay though, Eds. It was so long ago and we were fucking teenagers, it never would’ve worked out.”

“You don’t know that,” Eddie said, quietly and little sadly. Richie’s heart clenched and he shook his head.

“I can’t…” Richie said, voice cracking and forcing him to clear it. “I’m a huge fucking mess, Eddie. I spent a long as time pretending to myself that I wasn’t, and now that’s coming back to bite me in the ass. I can’t have any sort of fucking… relationship right now. Not when I’m like this, and especially not if you’re going to blame yourself every time I fall apart even a little bit.”

“That was wrong of me,” Eddie responded immediately, looking torn. Richie reached out on an impulse and tangled their fingers together. Eddie’s hand was warmer than his own, and Richie’s body shook a little bit at the contact. “I don’t think I really meant it. Well, drunk me meant it. Because I was drunk and sad and little scared, so it felt like it then. But I know that’s not it.”

“Yeah,” Richie rubbed his thumb along the back of Eddie’s hand. “I think a very small part of me always wondered what would have happened if you and I had tried to be together back then, but I can’t imagine myself not falling in love with Kate. I loved you in the way a dumbass kid loves the first person they’d really had feelings for, but Kate was my first love. My first real love, and I mean she left me absolutely fucked over and shattered, so I hope she wasn’t my true love but… You know? So, I think it’s okay that we didn’t get all over each other in high school, because just would’ve had to face those facts of loving somebody and not being in love with them.”

Eddie was nodding, squeezing Richie’s hand. “Yeah, I- My first love wasn’t you either, not really. I know what you mean about it all being.. whatever. But I don’t know if I agree with you completely. I think that our line between loving each other and being in love with each other is that we were never together. Our first loves went to somebody else, because we weren’t ready to give it to each other.”

A thick silence settled over them and Richie finally let out a shaky breath. “Eds…” He breathed out gently, moving to take his hand away from Eddie.

Eddie held onto it tighter, though. “Relax,” he said almost in a laugh. “I’m not declaring undying love for you, or proposing we get married. I’m just saying that we don’t know what would’ve have happened if we’d dated back then, but I think we’d have been really different people then we are now.”

Richie gave a small half smile, and leaned his head down onto Eddie’s shoulder. “I really appreciate this, Eddie, but I still… I don’t know what you want.”

He felt more than heard Eddie’s sigh. “I don’t want anything, Richie, except for you get better. Whatever is or was between us doesn’t really matter to me right now. You were one of my closest friends for like, seventeen years. More than that, probably. All I want is for you to be okay, and I’ll help you through it if you want me to. If you want me to just fuck off, then I’ll do that, too.”

Richie sat up and looked at Eddie carefully, almost examining his facial expressions. Eddie didn’t falter under the gaze for even a second. “I said that I wasn’t in love with you, Eddie, but I- that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be. Because I might act like a tough bitch, but I’m pretty sure I could fall in love with you pretty fucking easily.”

Eddie smiled softly, and placed a hand on the side of Richie’s neck. Warm hands, Richie noted again. “That’s okay, Richie. If it happens, it happens. And it’s okay if it doesn’t. That’s not what this is about.”

Fuck, Kaspbrak. I might be in love with you right now. Richie thinks it, but he knows better than to ever say it. He just takes Eddie’s hand away from his neck and pressed his lips to the back of it. He heard the gulp Eddie gave, felt the way it shook his upper body. Richie looked up at Eddie from under his lashes, and he was goddamn ready to let go of all the things he’d just said about not being ready and launch himself at him.

Eddie shook his head quickly, fluttering his eyes shut, and took his hand back. Both of Eddie’s hands came down to rest of Richie’s hips and he pulled Richie full into his lap. Richie gasped and wrapped his arms around Eddie’s neck, head dropping forward of its own notion and resting against Eddie’s shoulder. Richie closed his eyes and tried to keep control of his breathing.

Eddie tossed the blanket over them both and hugged Richie a little tighter. “It’s okay, Rich.” Eddie said, voice sweet and oh-so-familiar. “I’m not going anywhere, I fucking promise you that. I’m by your side for as long as you want me here.”

Richie buried his face deeper into Eddie’s neck and wondered if Eddie could feel the muscles in Richie’s face as he tried to cry.

xxx

Richie was fast asleep in Eddie’s lap when Stan opened up the door to the guest room and gave Eddie a disapproving look.

“It’s not…” Eddie sighed, brushing his fingers through Richie’s dirty curls. “It’s not what it looks like. We’re not doing anything, I’m going to be here for him. I’m not leaving him.”

Stan sighed, and leaned up against the door frame with his arms crossed. “So, you told him the truth then? And he took it well?”

Eddie frowned, fingers still tangled up in Richie’s hair. “That’s not the point, and not why I’m here. I’m just here for Richie. That’s all that matters right now.”

Stan looked almost sympathetic. “Richie isn’t the only person who can get hurt here, Eddie.”

Eddie swallowed a little roughly and shrugged, eyes still trained on Richie’s sleeping face.

#reddie #reddie fic #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #my writing #connection verse

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writingwithadinosaur · 6 years

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“Lost Battle.” - Oneshot

My Masterlist - Here

Kingsman Masterlist - Here

My Tag List - Here

Eggsy Unwin x Reader

Word Count: 2,051

Key: Y/N = Your Name, H/C = Your Hair Color, E/C = Your Eye Color

Warnings: (TRIGGER HEAVY! PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION) Self Harm, Depression, Anxiety, Addictions, Negative Thoughts,

Summary: A bad mental breakdown leads you to lean into your addictions again, causing the downward spiral to continue. A oneshot that shows that support can mean the world to someone who has to focus on individual battles that add up in a massive internal war.

Author’s Note: This is a very selfish piece. My mental health has not been in the best shape as of writing this and it's been affecting my life more than I’d like it to. I wrote this in the middle/after breaking down on the phone to @witchymarvelspacecase the other night. I actually ended up using some parts of our texts in this story. This story is personal and what I wish could happen in real life after relapsing.

If you are struggling with anything, please reach out and talk to someone. Even just shooting someone a text message can be super beneficial in the end. And if you feel like you don’t have anyone, my messages are always open. <3

If you would like to be tagged in any of my future pieces, check out my tag list above and let me know! And as always, feedback is greatly appreciated!

- DreaSaurusREX

There was no way you’d be sleeping at a normal hour tonight. Just like how your sleep schedule had been for the past two weeks. Late nights, barely any sleep, and for no reason. You were tired, but your brain wouldn’t stop reeling.

You fucked up. You fucked up. Goddamnit you’re such a fuck up. Everyone else is moving along and you’re still stuck. You can’t even get up and shower. Goddamn piece of shit.

You needed to get up and shower. You needed to eat. You needed to clean. You needed to do a lot of things today. But you ended up trapped in your comforter for a majority of the day thanks to the jagged claws, and life-sucking fangs of your mind until it was close to midnight.

You spent all day in bed? Sure, you went up and got around a little bit today. But what progress did you make? You’re still a goddamn mess.

Negative thoughts like that shouldn’t get to you. You know they shouldn’t, but here you were: Laying in your bed, listening to those thoughts, trying to figure out what to do next that didn’t involve your vices: Painkillers and razor blades.

You had talked to Merlin about taking some time off for personal reasons after breaking one of your clean streaks the night before. He agreed to it, not bothering to ask any further questions, and pretending not to notice the bandage around your wrist.

Your boyfriend, Eggsy, was sent on a mission while you were on leave. He should be back home within the next day or two, but there was no way of knowing for sure. You knew you could talk to someone at HQ if you needed to, whether that be Merlin or Harry or one of the medical professionals they had connections with. But you already felt like enough of a burden to everyone in Kingsman.

Taking a week off because you can’t keep your shit together? Wow. And they picked you to be a part of Kingsman? You somehow passed the tests? How? Maybe you should just save them the trouble and just leave. They’d all be better off without you.

You couldn’t stop the tears from flowing at that thought. You felt the thought coming, but still didn’t brace yourself enough for the impact it caused. You sobbed into your blanket, feeling nothing but sadness and numbness.

Why couldn’t you be normal? Why couldn’t you get a grip on yourself?

Everything was a blur as you untangled yourself from your sheets and found the shoebox under your bed. You lifted the top off and found what you were looking for: silver kisses and painkillers.

You slid against the wall and found yourself on your floor, fiddling with the thin metal at your fingertips. Before your thoughts could get any louder, you pressed the blade to your arm and left a horizontal line in its path. Letting out a shaky breath, you leaned your head back against the wall and closed your eyes, focusing on the stinging sensation on your arm. Without even looking, you began to cut again and again. Soon enough, you had a collection of lines on your arm, all of them with beads of blood in different stages of coagulation, stinging as you moved.

Stinging. You could feel it. You felt the dried tear tracks on your cheeks. You felt the AC coming from the vent across the room. You weren’t quite as numb as earlier. You had hoped that this would have silenced or even lowered the volume in your brain, but it ended up doing the opposite.

Holy shit… You really are pathetic. Relying on this shit to help you? How the hell is slicing yourself open supposed to help you? And let me guess, you’re gonna down some of those pills to make you forget the damage you did?

Sure enough, you grabbed for the pill bottle and downed three capsules with some water. Wishing tonight would quickly end with some sleep. But then you thought of something new to set you off:

What is Eggsy going to think? Yeah, he knows about your stupid addictions, but just think of how disappointed he’s going to be when he sees this shit.

You felt the tears welling up again. Eggsy shouldn’t have to deal with this.

Staying in your leggings and t-shirt, you slipped on your shoes, grabbed your cardigan and purse, ignoring the blood that was staining your sleeve, then walked out the door with no actual destination in mind.

~~~~

Eggsy’s mission had gone unbelievably well. It was a quick and easy interrogation and take down. Letting him come home earlier than expected. As soon as he got off the plane, he met up with Harry and Merlin for a debrief before he could go home and see you.

Thankfully, the cameras in Eggsy’s glasses caught the entirety of the mission, so there wasn’t too much for the men to discuss. After Harry dismissed everyone and said goodnight, Eggsy walked to Merlin.

“Where’s (Y/N) at? Thought she’d be part of the meetin’.” He looked around the room once more to make sure he didn’t somehow look over you.

“She asked for a few days off. I gave her a week as of the day before yesterday.”

“Oh.” Eggsy was a bit confused. You never asked for days off. Even when you were obviously sick. There was one time you had managed to come into HQ with no voice and a killer cold for half a day, avoiding everyone until Harry saw you and sent you home.

“Has she been alrigh’? Everythin’ fine between you two?” Merlin spoke in a hushed tone as to avoid anyone else from hearing.

“As far as I know, yeah. Why? Did she say something to you?”

“Actually quite the opposite. She didn’t say much of anything. I am concerned though. I don’t know if it’s anything related to her asking for a break, but she had a bandage around her wrist before she asked for time off. And there is no record of her going to medical before leaving.”

“Shit!” Eggsy sighed. Eggsy knew exactly what happened. He had been there to see the aftermath of a few of your breakdowns that ended with breaking your clean streaks. But you had just celebrated 6 months of sobriety from both of your addictions. Which meant that this break could be more dangerous than the usual.

“I’ve gotta go! Be on call if I need help!” Before he could get the last word out, Eggsy was running through the doors, yelling for other agents to move out of his way as he raced home.

~~~~

There was a small pier at the edge of a pond that was always vacant. It was a 20 minute walk from your flat if you took shortcuts. You hadn’t planned on ending up there, but you were glad you did. It was calming. You sat at the edge of the dock, leaning against one of the vertical posts, laying your arm on one of the horizontal beams. The location was the perfect mix of city noises and soothing waters.

Once you were comfy, you brought your knees up and relaxed your carved up arm on top of them. You rolled up your sleeve a little bit to see the lines in the moonlight. You could still feel the stinging, but not as much as when it was fresh.

So what’s the plan now, dipshit? Yeah you’re feeling shit again. But what now? You’re just gonna try and disappear? You work with, and date a spy. You can’t just run away. He’s going to--

Before your thought could go further, you were crushed by two familiar arms wrapping around you.

“Fuckin hell!” Eggsy was out of breath and you could hear the panic in his voice. “Thank fuck I found you.”

What the fuck? He’s not supposed to be home yet? But… SEE! You made him worry! You fucked up again! This is why you will never be--

You felt to guilty. Sobs punched through your chest and tears poured out of your eyes. He kissed the side of your head and moved you into his lap. You slowly wrapped your arms around him and buried your face into his shoulder, letting every last ounce of tears you had leave your system.

“Shh.. It’s alright, luv. I’m here. Whatever happened, you’re not dealing with it alone. Shh… Please breathe, babe. Breathe with me, yeah?”

He took exaggerated breaths to help you catch on to the pattern, until your breathing started to get back to a semi-normal state. He leaned back and looked at your face. His hands gently cradled your cheeks, wiping away the tracks that your tears had left. He kissed your forehead before speaking again.

“Whatever’s goin’ on, it is not the end of the world. You have been in this position before and you made it out. And I’m not letting you give up. Not that easy.”

You let another couple of tears slide down your cheek only to meet Eggsy’s thumb. You leaned your forehead on his and took a shaky breath before struggling to speak with your raspy voice.

“I feel like a fuck up. Everything got to be too much. I was numb and didn’t even think before getting back on this shit… I thought I was getting better but--”

“But you are gettin’ better! Maybe not as much as you’d like, but progress is progress!”

“I relapsed. I broke both clean streaks.”

“Yes, that sucks. But you can’t be angry with yourself. Try to be patient.” He lifted your head so you could see his serious, but kind green eyes. “We both know how far you’ve come. And we both know how far you still have to go. And you won’t ever be alone. Not while I’m around.”

A small smile grew on your lips. The first real smile in a while. Eggsy grinned and leaned forward to leave a gentle kiss on your smile.

“I don’t know if there is really a way to ‘get over’ any of my bullshit.”

“Even if there ain’t, I’m always gonna be here to help the best I can. I love you, (Y/N). And I want to be a part of your life. All of it. The good times, the borin’, the frustratin’, the rewardin’, the worst. All of it.”

You didn’t have any more words to say. Instead, you leaned to his lips and kissed him. He kissed back, holding onto you as if you were going to turn into ash and fall from his embrace. Eggsy’s pocket buzzing broke your kiss. He pulled out his phone and held it to his ear, not letting his sturdy hold of you lessen.

“Yeah. She’s safe. … Mhmm. … I’ll let her know. Thanks for everythin’, Merlin.” Sliding his phone back into his pocket, he stood up and held his hands out for you to grab. You took them and relied on him for support until you got some energy back in your system.

“Merlin was worried about you. He may not show it, but he actually cares about you. More than he cares about me I bet!” You chuckled at the last part. “He just wanted to make sure I found you. He also extended your time off. You just gotta let him or me know when you want to come back and he’ll arrange it.”

“Thank you, Eggsy.”

“No worries, luv. Now, let’s go home, get cleaned up, and get some much needed sleep.”

Within an hour, you were in bed with Eggsy. Your back against his front and his strong arm draped over your waist, reassuring you that he wasn’t going anywhere. Your arm was cleaned and bandaged properly thanks to Eggsy’s help. Most importantly, you both were finally feeling the wave of exhaustion taking over, letting you both drift off to sleep.

As you closed your eyes, you began coming to terms with the fact that this was going to be a war, not just a single battle. And there would be some battles that you would lose. But you didn’t have to fight this war alone. And eventually, you would come out on top.

Tags - @melconnor2007 @ashenfallsof @geeksareunique @all-by-myself98 @witchymarvelspacecase @theeactress @thomasstanleyhoelland @white-chocolate-mocha-fan

#kingsman imagine #kingsman fanfiction #kingsman fic #kingsman fandom #kingsman fanficiton #eggsy x reader #eggsy unwin imagine #eggsy fic #eggsy unwin fanfiction #merlin x reader #fanfiction #fanfictions #imagines #fanfic

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queen-of-the-avengers · 6 years

Text

Fighting Your Battles

Characters: Tom Holland x Reader

Word Count: 1,547

Warnings: Fluff in the beginning, angst at the end

Request: Could you write a Tom Holland or Peter Parker oneshot where he finds out the reader has really bad depression/anxiety & he helps her through it? (i would 100% understand of you dont feel comfortable writing this btw)

Summary: Anxiety is always lurking around the corner for you. It’s worse when you’re in the dark and Tom knows just how bad it can get. Luckily for you, he is always there to help you.

Squares Filled: Singing in the Shower // Nyctophobia

Author’s Note: This is for @marvelfluffbingo and @marvelangstbingo . If you have any requests, please send them in! I would love to hear what you have! This is unbeta’d and any and all mistakes are all on me.

Feedback the glue that holds my writing together

Tags at the bottom

Before you started dating Tom Holland, you were a big fan of his. He was in a number of shows/movies that you loved, but your favorite one was Spiderman. Being a Marvel fan didn’t help, and when you got the opportunity to join him on set for a few days, you took it. Tom was hosting a contest on his Instagram and you jumped at the chance, hoping that you would be picked.

Low and behold, you were the winner and he flew you to London where he was filming his new Spiderman movie. You got to hang with him on set and he was allowed to take you into the city, which was one of the best times you could have ever had. Tom was so nice and funny, making you feel welcomed despite your anxiety just begging to be released. Ever since you were a child, you’ve had bad anxiety. It was worse when you were faced with the darkness.

There was something about the dark that ate at your anxiety. Maybe it was just you, but your mind liked to create creatures in your head that lurked just behind the shadows, waiting to grab at you when they got the chance. Ever since you could remember, you’ve slept with a nightlight and much to your displeasure, you still sleep with one.

You’ve tried to get help before but all the psychiatrists you’ve seen couldn’t help you, no matter how much medicine they’ve prescribed to you. They diagnosed you to have nyctophobia, which is the irrational fear of night time or the darkness. Over the years, you’ve learned to accept it because it wasn’t going anywhere, and the one person who didn’t give you shit about it was Tom.

It was near the end of your trip when he snuck over to your hotel room in the middle of the night because he wanted to hang out. You two had gotten close since you arrived, so it wasn’t strange that he would do this. You weren’t expecting him to come over, so you were in your bed, nightlight in its socket, and a book in hand.

He found out about your anxiety problem and decided to comfort you rather than laugh at you. He admitted he had an anxiety problem so he understood why you wanted a nightlight. Before Tom, you never really connected with someone as well as you connected with him. When your trip ended, you were sad you probably weren’t ever going to see him again. So, much to your surprise, when he asked you for his number, you honestly didn’t know what to do. You ended up giving it to him and 5 years later, you two were dating and living together.

He was your rock, and you didn't know what you would do without him. Instead of you leaving the life you build in New York to live with him in London, he was the one who moved. It wasn’t a big deal to him since he did a lot of traveling anyway. Because of his sacrifice, you had a feeling you two would be together for quite some time. It’s not often a man would move across the world just to live with you. Thomas was something different.

Lately, things had winded down after Tom was finished filming his latest movie. It hadn’t been released yet, but you’ve seen it in a private screening. No matter the movie genre, Tom never failed to surprise you. You knew he was a good actor before you met him but now that you got a taste of his personal life, it made his acting ten times stronger.

But, he was done with filming which meant that he was able to stay home with you. The upcoming weeks would be filled with movie nights, take out dinners, and being with one another. New York was a magical place but it had its downfalls. One of them being blackouts. It didn’t really help with your anxiety, but they were rare, so you didn’t worry too much about them. You tried not to think of your anxiety too much. Singing usually helped you calm down, and since you were busy thinking of tonight, you didn't want to seem anxious.

Picking one of your favorite Ariana Grande songs from her new album, you started to sing it loudly, knowing Tom was downstairs. The words flowed easily out of your mouth as you tried to harmonize. You weren’t the best singer in the world, but you couldn’t care enough to stop. Lathering shampoo in your hand, you slathered it on your hair, massaging it gently. You continued to sing your heart out, not hearing the door open and close.

Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin' And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin' Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin' And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'

Sometimes it's hard to find, find my way up into the clouds Tune it out, they can be so loud You remind me of a time when things weren't so complicated All I need is to see your face

“You know, you sing better than you think, darling,” Tom said which caused you to jump 50 feet from your body.

“You scared me,” you said, as you quickly rinsed the shampoo out of your hair. When you were done, you slid the curtain opened to look at his face.

“Sorry, you know I love the sound of your voice,” Tom smiled at you.

“Okay, I know you’re here to sneak up on me. What’s up? I’m almost done in here.”

“I just called the restaurant to confirm our reservation, but they’ve told me I wasn’t on the list. They don’t know what happened, and I tried making a new one, but the wait time is far too long. Do you think you’d be okay with me making dinner tonight?”

“You know I don’t mind. I’d actually rather just stay in with you. We can have dinner and then a movie night? I’ve laid out the movies I’d like to watch,” you grinned.

“Yes, I saw them. So, you’d rather watch Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield but not me? I am a little offended,” Tom smiled despite his words.

“You know I love your Spiderman movie, I just like the plot line a little better in the other ones. I promise, I’m not cheating on your Spiderman,” you giggled.

“I know, I’m teasing you. I’ll be downstairs when you’re done. You should still wear the dress you have out,” Tom nodded as he walked to the door.

“You think so?”

“I know so,” he winked at you before leaving the bathroom. You chuckled and went back to your shower and your song. As you were nearing the end of the song, you grabbed the bar of soap to wash your body when the lights turned off in the bathroom. Almost instantly, fear spiked in your mind as your heart rate increased.

“TOM!” you screamed, dropping the bar of soap. You didn't know why the lights were off, all you knew is that you needed to get to a source of light. It’s one thing to be in the dark while in your room or the kitchen, but to be stuck in the dark while in the bathroom, that was a whole different ballpark. Feeling around the shower, you quickly turned off the water and pulled back the curtains.

“TOM!!!” you screamed again, stepping out of the shower. Tears brimmed the surface of your eyes as they tried to adjust to the darkness. Your hand made contact with the marble countertop and tried to feel your way to the door. Yes, you were still naked, but you couldn’t care about that.

Instantly, your mind created lurking monsters, ready to grab you at any moment. Growing up, you called these monsters your demons, and they very well could be. As you made your way to the door, you connected with a hard body just as arms wrapped around you. Almost instantaneously, a scream left you as you tried to get away. Somehow, you thought your monsters materialized and were ready to grab you.

“Y/N, you’re okay, it’s just me,” Tom said and you fell into his body, letting out the sob that begged to be released the moment the lights turned off.

“I’m scared, Tom,” you cried as your shoulders shook. “They’re going to get me. Don’t let them get me.”

“You’re going to be okay. I’m right here, I won’t let anyone touch you,” he stated as he wrapped a towel around your quivering body. He pulled out his phone and turned on the flashlight so you could see what was around you. When you looked up at his face, you could see from the corner of your eyes, the monsters shying away from the light.

“They’re all around us,” you whispered, fear gripping your voice as well as covering your features.

“Darling, look at me,” Tom spoke, turning the phone so the flashlight pointed upward, and illuminated his face. “No one is here but us. There are no monsters, that's just your mind playing tricks on you. Besides, if there were, I wouldn’t let them touch you. Come on, let’s go downstairs where the candles are. We can’t have dinner since it’s a blackout but we can order something. You’re perfectly safe with me.”

“Don’t leave me,” you cried, letting the tears fall freely.

“I won’t ever leave you. Come on, take my hand,” Tom held out his hand which you took, “I’m right here.”

“Okay,” you whispered, and if he weren’t standing so close to you, he probably wouldn’t have heard it. Tom gently and slowly led you out of the bathroom, your bedroom, and to the stairs. Slowly, he directed you down, knowing you needed to go slow. When you got like this, he had to treat you with such delicacy or else you would have a bad panic attack, and have what he calls “blackouts”. You gripped his hand tightly, and despite your efforts, you couldn’t calm your racing heart.

“Tom, I’m scared,” you shivered, but he didn’t stop.

“I know you are, darling. We’re almost there. You’re doing great, I’m so proud of you,” he encouraged you to make it to the living room. “Okay, just wait here and I’ll get the candles…”

“No, I don’t want to be alone. Please, take me with you,” you begged.

“Okay, okay, let’s go to the kitchen,” Tom didn't argue with you and took you to the kitchen. Both of you searched and grabbed as many candles as you could. The more you had, the better you would feel. Going back to the living room, you used Tom’s phone camera to set them around the room. After you were done, you sat on the couch while Tom lit all the candles. The dimness the candles provided wasn’t ideal, but it was better than sitting in the dark.

“Okay, I’m going to go upstairs and get you some clothes. Will you be okay?” Tom asked, and you nodded. You had to get over this fear and to do that, you had to be alone in the dim light. “I’ll be 2 minutes,” Tom left you alone and rushed up the stairs, eager to get back to you as soon as possible.

Monsters that your mind created, stood in the shadows, watching you. Some of them laughed, some of them sneered but most of them just stared at you. There were so many creatures around you, that you had to tell yourself they weren’t real.

“Go away, you’re not real,” you whispered to yourself, bringing your knees to your chest. The towel fell from your body, leaving you exposed to whoever was watching you. The demons hissed and sneered at you, but you covered your ears to block the sounds out.

“Please go away. I don’t want you here. Leave me alone. Tom!!” you yelled for him. He usually made them go away.

“I’m right here,” he said from behind you. You jumped, not expecting him to be this close to you. “You’re alright. I’m here.” He moved to the front of the couch and helped you put on his clothes. He knew how much you liked it when you wore his clothing.

“Make them go away,” you sniffled, staring at him with puffy eyes, “please.”

“Okay, how about this,” he started to say as he took a seat next to you on the couch. He made sure you were paying attention to him and nothing else, “what kind of date do you want to go on?”

“What do you mean?” you sniffled.

“Tell me your perfect date. Where you want to go, what you want to do, who you want to be with,” Tom smiled.

“Well, I want it to be with you,” you smiled, some of the demons disappearing. “We’d go to my favorite place to hang out when I was a kid. I’d go there all the time to be alone. There is a park near my childhood house and if you go deep enough into the woods, you’d see a tree--my tree--with a big, hollowed out trunk. I’d take blankets and books there, only to have my parents yell at me when they couldn’t find the stuff I had taken. I’d love to go back there with you. It’s not far from here, actually.”

“I’d love to go there with you. It sounds like a lovely place,” Tom smiled. You were about to say more about it when you looked behind Tom and didn’t see anything. The demons your mind concocted had been long gone. Your mind was free of the poison your anxiety filled you with.

“Tom?” you whispered.

“Yes, love?”

“They’re gone. All of them are just… gone.”

“I knew you could do it,” Tom smiled and pulled you into his body. “You did it all on your own.”

“You make them go away,” you whispered, and settled into his body.

“I would suggest we watch those movies you wanted, but seeing how the power is out, why don’t I get my laptop and we can watch something on Youtube, yeah?”

“Sounds perfect,” you smiled, and he let you go to stand up.

“You’re going to be okay while I’m gone?”

“Yeah, I go this,” you smiled, confident in yourself to keep the demons at bay.

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maxinemade-blog · 6 years

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Transitioning is Hard

(Summer 18′)

Transitioning is hard. I am a constant wheel in motion. Constant realization & change. At the moment things are stagnant, or at least for me. I have started to soak up the sun, which apparently, I need. My peeps aren’t getting up for the sun these days but for electronics. As much as I’d like to enjoy them outside, I am here with you.

My life as of late feels like a constant struggle, a quieted scream if you will; If I don’t start somewhere, I am going to continue to wake up every day holding a swell of tears in. I don’t believe any of us will be here forever and so while I am, I want to continue to work at it & push forward. It is hard for me currently to stand still. The problem is there’s a super volcano beneath me, and I’m not talking about Yellowstone. There is so much people don’t know that goes on below the surface. The result I’ll tell you is an emotional shell of brokenness…. You go to bed drained and in your head there’s a battle you ignore. People don’t get it. 5 weeks off a year (no weekends) & “I’M” expected to hold this family together on my own?

It’s been a challenge of change & acceptance I could only accomplish by disassociating my mind from my own troubles. I suck at it, but I try because I was a people pleaser & that often means you ignore yourself.

I do want to run to the ones I love the most, but they have their own stuff and I prefer them coming to me anyways. I find when I’m deep in mud I feel better pulling others out of it.

Transitioning isn’t hard from the standpoint of moving forward and bettering yourself, it’s more about discovering who you want to be and where you want to be and somehow getting there. It’s being that person to others “until” you get there. It’s about being transparent and being okay with that. It’s being okay with your voice cracking and not holding back if it’s keeping you honest. It’s being you when people try to fit you in a box. We are here for Jesus, not ourselves. Deep down we know this & need to remember it. It’s discovering pieces of your soul and removing the idea that all people don’t care. Understand that people could share in your growth, but the point of duality is being there for people who aren’t there yet, because the point is not to let them pull you into their storm but to pull them into your peace. I am good at caring for people who don’t have a care for me, not so much at letting people who love me pull me into their peace; the ones who do rarely reach out these days. If I don’t ever feel enough to accept what I might deserve that’s probably why. Plus, I’ve got so much unconditional love to give I might as well be the one giving it, right? My unconditional love has covered asses of events and people who may have broken me, but I chose to forgive them anyways; understanding that they too have brokenness within them. I’d forgotten my job was to pray for them for a moment because I’ve wanted people like myself around and got upset when I couldn’t find them (empaths), but I do it now unconditionally knowing those who haven’t reached Jesus yet need it the most. If you don’t do this, toxic energy produced by others will eat you alive and continue to make you the victim. I refuse. People have been breaking me since I was little. I listened to people when they said to bow instead of getting up and beating the holly hell out of them. Sometimes I stuck up for myself but walking away was always the best answer. I don’t know why I allowed so much static.

I am in school now and I am learning ways to better help others & myself. I don’t need noise, I need love. Support follows love. Unconditional kindness follows love. Sincerity follows love. I need love; you need love. Learn to embrace love. Stop trying to fit it into a box, stop trying to please all the wrong people, stop trying to love the people who don’t love you and start letting the people who love you in. The people you try so hard to keep in your life that make you feel like you’re hard to love have gotta go!

See…. this is the hard part about transitioning, because sometimes your heart and mind are in a battle to restrain you from moving forward. Like E. Y. Harburg says, sometimes the heart wants roots and the mind wants wings. This is because birds were not meant to be caged. Staying bitter about the things that have caused you hurt while continuing to stick around people who hurt you will wilt any birds colors and song. Girl, you can’t grow in the environment that makes you sick! How many times will you remind yourself? You get confused when people you love leave because you think that means something is wrong with you. It’s a lie. We live in a society where if we don’t conform, fit in a box, or you walk the line, it’s hard to find real peace & love, yet we seek it with our misguided hearts and with the use of our broken minds & souls. They shouldn’t be so broken.

Hurt people hurt people & the hurt in you accepts it. This is all while people spill their expectations on you… We lose our voice and don’t speak out or cry for help when we need it. Instead we internalize more brokenness that we can’t use to heal ourselves. We spill from empty cups to heal others. This makes us sick inside, physically sick, yet, we must ditch the negative energy to lift the fallen and for a fair shot not to fall ourselves. Don’t climb in that hole again.

It isn’t easy. I have been working on layers of hurt for way too long. My schooling has brought a lot of it to a head, but also realizing I could have died a few times in the past & trying to be grateful to be alive now even in sickness is a challenge. Fighting depression, anxiety and paranoia among health issues has been trying to say the least. However, this year I have given up on some people that would have normally made me crawl into bed and cry for months, but I didn’t do that; I don’t do that anymore. I hold on to the tears & repress, repress, repress. I’ve developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I fight them every time I have an opportunity to use them. I think about how far I’ve come when I look at my tattoos that stand for covered pains, and although unfinished, I’d like to think I am the same; unfinished; a work in progress, and so, I’ve embraced my scars.

I grew up with a suicidal parent whose immediate family committed suicide. It was not often but I have realized she was crying for help, and the times she didn’t, those times were probably the hardest (I wish we’d been close enough that I could have helped her). I’ve realized people normally hurt others when they are hurt and not necessarily because of you. Whether or not this is true in your story, it’s no matter because the more you internalize it, it will hurt you & no one else. In 50 years it all may not matter; the people who may have hurt you could cease to exist, and you could still be carrying that hurt. I know I say this, but I carry it myself. I can’t any longer. I love so deeply, but I push away everything that loves me, even once, even a little because I’m afraid to lose someone else I care for. Time to move forward from this.

I grew up in a nice little town with some history. My heart was & is in the sticks…. I spend 90% of the year inside. I spend the last 5 weeks out in the sun with my kids because I finally could. I feel much better getting into nature and giving my mind time to think. I never have time to write but I need to more often. I’ve been going through a lot and I talk to myself as an older mentor, sister or mother I always wanted… but maybe there’s critical thinkers out there who are non-biased, non-judgmental that may want to bounce ideas and thoughts off of one another. I need to let people in but I need people around who are fighters, who have gone through some things, who like to help others, who have hurt and have always tried their best to get back to it or to work harder to reach their goals.

Let’s help each other through life possibly?

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greyred · 6 years

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3x3

Three appointments in three days.

That’s how restoration begun.

I was pretty down mentally and physically when I wrote my last entry. But I guess you gotta hit the bottom to start all over again. Life is like a funny computer game. I remember when I was a kiddo and loved playing Tetris, when levels got too easy, I would smash the blocks to bottom randomly before fixing them up, so the game would be more interesting, would give more tension, resistance. Thrill. My whole life have been seeking for thrills. Subconsciously. And now I don’t know any better. As with past weeks I managed to get my life back on track I also ended up picking up a new hobby that is definitely thrilling and highly dangerous. I’ve been past weeks sober, in order to balance my body and mind, but my soul has still life on it’s own. And now it feeds on speed and cars. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not talking about drugs! I’m back in zero-tolerance again as I’ve always been. I’m talking about speed that you can reach with driving a machine, an automobile. New friends, new hobbies. Right now there is nothing more thrilling than driving 200 km/h while being totally sober and feeling like you will have a heart attack any second. Or you will literally crash and be dead. Heh.. lucky i’m somewhat suicidal, so I don’t really care. But on those little seconds when you think ‘Oh MY God We gonna crash!’ in that small break in a second - I feel like I do want to live after all. Because the danger of death is as close to touch, it becomes a very real thing. And something you can not really control. Depends on a way you decide to take your own life you still have a backing up time. But not at a highway! And that pure sober adrenaline that I have been enjoying lately have oddly given me back a will to live.

Now going back on those 3x3 days when all this started. The satisfaction of accomplishment is one of the best depression cures. It’s not the pills (medication for depression like AD’s) that cure you, it’s your actions. It’s not how medicated zombie you are, it’s what you do with your time all in all. That’s why I don’t believe in pills. Essentially they’re just legal drugs. I believe in therapy. Fresh, powerful, motivating ideas and ways how to accomplish tasks in your life. Or how to simply enjoy little pleasures. It all starts from little things, you get up and do one, just one thing in your house that you have been postponing. The satisfaction will give you motivation to do more. It will come by it’s own. You just gotta give it a little push at first, to get the ball rolling. Eventually you get “high” on completing different obstacles that at first seemed impossible. First you get things done, secondly you boost up your mood and confidence and in the end you feel proud, guilt-free. Accomplishments.

Sounds easy to say, right ? Let me tell you how I got my ball rolling. I knew I had appointments and responsibilities to follow, so I pulled my big-boy pants up and got myself outside. The scary outside, with people and places. Three places to be in one day, three days to follow. Everything on time. I executed them well, until it was an hour to meet a temporary social worker for my boring but important paperwork. Let’s say, sometimes you don’t click with another human being. And that’s that. This happens and it’s nothing to worry about. We don’t have to click with everyone. I think she might have lacked of social skills, because I got two panic attacks in her office, first one i dodged, the second one was unavoidable, so I had to leave the building at once. On my way back to home, counting minutes in metro, I got somehow frustrated about that unfortunate situation. I had still 2 appointment to follow after that one but I was fleeing home like a coward. Yes the understandable side of me accepted it. This happens, nothing to be anguished about, you can continue next day if needed. But I got frustrated because I felt like one unfortunate person in my day had ruined not only my mood but also my plans. And I love my plans. I love making lists, and following them strictly. How could I get the “high” of accomplishment if I will just let this happen and run away? As the metro drove in direction to home I suddenly got up and walked out. Not at my home stop. At the stop where was going to happen my next task. I was too mad to give up. I was rebelling! Rebelling against my own panic attack. Took all that anger and converted it into energy. Pure energy. Despite of awful weather, despite of panic attack and public & social anxiety, I was just a raw power that decided not to run, but fight back. And that’s how I accomplished the rest of the tasks. I did them one by one. I could have turned back to home any time I wanted, but I didn’t. With every step further, I gained more power. I was playing that life’s Computer Game with fury.

And in the end of the day I was yet again - proud of myself. It was all worth it. Perhaps that unpleasant person was a good thing after all. I try to find something good in bad moments. It sure was an efficient exercise served by life itself. And yes, there will be bad days where you don’t really feel like going anywhere and that’s fine too. But also there will be better days when you will have the strength to impress not only people around you but the most importantly - Yourself. One is sure, nothing will happen when you sit at home surrounded with your own haunting, overthinking demons. The most hardest thing to do with depression is going out, the most effective cure for depression is going out. I know the feeling of controversy. Yet.. No one will do and live your life other than yourself! Always, remember that.

What comes to my social life. If anyone can handle my sharp ups-and-downs right now being besides me then the Marine seem to be progressing in that area. Which is quite refreshing. I’m very used to the fact that it takes a few months for one to grow to know each other until you can see a person behind the mask. And I sure am one hard candy! Yet without words I feel how he really tries to understand me. We don’t have to talk about every little perspective and detail and a tail of the thought and idea as I’ve had to do in the past. It’s like a mutual understanding of each other. That’s something you can share only with a person who have seen life more than a regular bloke. Been in a long relationship as well. I’m glad he has kids from past relationship, because I sure will not reproduce. And I’m entirely aware that one day I still might fcuk this thing up. But I no longer live in the shadow of fear of that. I love the way how easy he makes everything. We just are. No restricting specific boundaries. All that corny nonsense that you have been copy-pasting from one person to another and in your brain you know it’s going to lead to nowhere. I am taking this one differently. Am lucky and grateful with a reasonable and understanding companionship. And enjoying while it lasts. And if one day shall be the last day, then that will be enjoyed in it’s full as well!

You learn from mistakes. We all do. We educate ourselves with experiences and situations, with people and time. As we grow older we learn how to adapt and overcome. And the number of mistakes, which should rather be called lessons of life, varies from a person to person. We are all different. And that is okay. You should not race your life achievements with no one else than yourself. People in your life come and go, yearning for past will only do harm. Sometimes people come and stay, sometimes they leave, sometimes they are not worth of your time and energy. For instance I tried to stay friends with ex-bf, Sancho. I usually manage to break up in good terms. But sometimes it’s simply impossible. How ever tolerable I was with his quirks, he still managed to go full-psycho on me in the end and made it simply impossible to keep any communication in future. Sometimes I have to make a hard decision and just delete person from my life. As I have done it before. He played his cards himself, no one else to blame. And it’s not just that, it’s with everyone in your life. It’s acknowledging that your time and your energy is the highest value you own. And using and directing it in useful ways. My psychologist told me - I should be more selfish and learn how to say ‘No’. As I’m disastrously selfless when it comes to sharing my time with people. Sometimes I would promise to meet someone, or go somewhere just because I didn’t know how to refuse. And later suffer in all of my politeness. I think I’m getting better in not consenting the vibe. We should all be more selfish with our time. Only so little to spend in this chaotic planet. Shouldn’t we aim for complacency. And yet still be motivated to desire for more, progress, move on. Yet not to forget to stop time to time and feel and enjoy the achievements and little beautiful moments. For the life is never done, it’s never complete. It will keep on going with it’s beautiful chaotic ups-and-downs as it did before us and as it shall continue after us. Just like people come and go in your life, it’s just the same with the whole existence.

There’s miles to pass and I’m not in a hurry. Life changes in every second and for me personally it have been rich in colors, abundant in experiences, I’m curious where it will take me. And I’m happy to share my observations with my readers.

I am once again in the verge of change. If that already hasn’t happened. I believe I have given a good push for this ball to start rolling. And I’m keen to pursue. The change comes when you want it for yourself because of yourself. I believe that is the most effective way. If you wish to change for someone else, then no matter how long you play this game - you will always be dependent of that person’s presence. Like I was once dependent of my ex-husband for so many years. Now after all those battles with life and myself I feel I have never been more independent like now. I’m able to fill my own tasks. And need no one to hold my hand. In past half year especially I have changed a lot, or maybe I should say - grown a lot. I am more selfish. And I will not drag anyone with me, nor shall i hitchhike on someone’s else’s back. I am what I am today. And tally with people and surroundings that make me feel home. That doesn’t mean one couldn’t obtain inspirations from other rooms. That is called healthy development, yes I just made up a new statement and agree with that thought of mine. I reflect and write about my own beliefs and views. I recognize and respect that people have different ways to create and cope. This right here is mine.

Last night I saw a vivid dream that I saved the world. In this real life here, one should start with oneself.

This time it started with 3 x 3 days. And have ever since multiplied. We’ll go up and down, and up and down. And heed every moment.

#accomplishment #accomplishments #mental health #depression #achievements

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