#growing up really was realizing being up at 3 am didn’t make me cool it just made me Deprived

[stuckinapril]

Honestly I’m such an intrinsically morning person that I really do cringe at my teen phase when I’d stay up all the time against my circadian rhythm/natural inclination to be knocked out by 8 pm

[rachalixie]

hey, i got this ticket? it says “one free cute jisung thought because i said so”. can i cash it in?

a/n: anything for you <3 (gn!reader, jisung fluff, alcohol mention but it's up to you to decide if they have been drinking or not). also i did not proofread this. sorry.

11:59 pm. 

you glance at your phone for a moment, clicking it off and returning your attention to the girl enthusiastically telling a story across the room. and you wait. and wait, for what seems like several minutes. 

you glance at your phone again, and - 

12:00 am. 

how has it only been one minute? your friend, your trusted ride for the evening, was slamming down another glass of wine and giggling into her glass in a way that indicated that she should not be behind the wheel. 

you wanted to go home. you wanted to go home right now, but that meant that you had to walk the three blocks to your apartment alone, at midnight. 

was that a risk you were willing to take? as you looked around the room at the people growing increasingly more drunk by the minute, you decided that yes, you were willing to take it. no one noticed as you walked out of the room into the foyer, your friend didn’t take out her phone when you texted her that you were leaving and that she was not allowed to drive herself home, not a single head turned when you walked out of the door and closed it with a soft click. 

or so you thought. 

you didn’t make it three steps away from the building before you felt a presence behind you, approaching quickly, and you ball your hand into a fist in preparation for an encounter that you really didn’t want to deal with. your hand falls to your side when you realize that it was jisung, your friend and neighbor and, to your embarrassment, the man you were totally head over heels in love with. the man who you spent all evening avoiding, the image of him sitting next to someone else, pressed against their side, burning in your eyes when you close them. the man who was the real reason why you left. 

“where are you going?” he says, slightly breathless from how he had rushed out after you. 

“none of your business,” you quirk an eyebrow up at him, absolutely not endeared by the way his cheeks puff out with the breath he holds in before sighing out. “i’m going home, you can go back. i’m okay.”

“well, let me walk you back,” he matches your stride as you turn back towards the sidewalk. “i was about to leave anyways.”

“why?” a spark of annoyance tingles up your spine and you tamper it down. “you think i can’t defend myself?”

“well, no, i know you can,” his eyes flicker down to your hands for a moment. “but do you want to be in a position where you have to?”

and the truth was, you didn’t. the annoyance fizzles out and you realize that you’re grateful for his presence by your side, a warm welcome against the cool night air. if there was anyone whose company you would never deny, it was his, even if you put on a front. your hands brush against each other’s as you walk in comfortable silence, each touch lighting a fire inside of you. 

he walks on the end of the sidewalk closest to the street, and despite there being no cars out this late you find the gesture sweet. you imagined that if he was wearing a jacket that he would offer it to you - you wished he would offer you his hoodie, if only so you could keep it.

“well,” you rest your hand on the doorknob, sighing at its familiarity after a long day. “this is me.” 

“okay,” he falters, taking a step closer to you and running a hand through his hair. your eyes catch on a vein trailing up his wrist to his hand and you don’t realize you’ve been staring for maybe too long until he clears his throat. “i was wondering - and please let me know if i got the wrong idea but. can i come in?”

“you spent all evening next to someone else,” you’re a little confused, a little more angry, and very caught off-guard. “and now you’re asking to come into my home? what are you playing at?”

“so it worked?” he smiles, a bit bashful as the blood rushes to the top of his cheekbones. “i wasn’t sure if it would, i saw it in a movie once. make them jealous and you’ll know if they like you back by how they react, right?”

you blink at him. one moment passes, and then the next, in shocked silence. his gaze on you is unwavering, slow blinks of his eyes a tell of the passing time. his eyes are burning on you, you feel so utterly exposed in front of him and - 

“god, you’re stupid,” you blurt out, a laugh made up of relief, surprise, and embarrassment bubbling up in your chest. “i can’t believe i like a fucking loser.” 

“so, you do like me then?” his smile turns into a full grin, and you can’t help but think that satisfaction looks way too good on his face. instead of answering, you swing the door open and pull him inside by the collar.

you’ll show him satisfaction.

and then they have sex and get married yeah.

[hyunfilms]

blue side of the sky (lmh) | five.

♡ spotify playlist | series masterlist

—summary: waking up after 3 months with no recollection of your past, your friends do what they can to help you remember. except, they omit an important piece to the puzzle - afraid you would remember the heartbreak and hurt all over again.

—pairing: lee know x f. reader

—genre: (18+) exes to lovers, bestfriends to lovers au | fluff, angst, (eventual) smut

—word count: 5.3k

—chapter warning: cussing, jisung being his worried and overprotective self, small argument between minho & jisung, another deep look into minho's feelings about everything, minho dance session which should be a warning itself, smut but not super descriptive smut (implied oral - m. receiving, doggy style), also a look into minho and kat, flashback scene at the end highlighting a core, painful moment for minho, crying, oc is in a coma during flashback

"Hi." You answer the phone call coming in as you make your way to your first pottery class.

"Cielo! Are you at class now?" You chuckle.

"About to be."

"You didn't answer my text." You can hear the pout through Jisung's tone.

"Sorry, pachi. I was gonna get to it as soon as I got inside the store. What's up?"

"I asked if you found anything to wear yet. For Yuna's?"

"Oh, no."

"Wanna go look after class? I'll meet you."

"I'm, um—" You pause a bit as you enter the store and greet the boy re-stocking items at the front.

"You're.. what?"

"I'm actually hanging out with San afterwards. He said he'd go with me to check out some dresses."

"You're.. hanging out with San?"

"Yes?" You let out a small sigh due to the unexpected response from your bestfriend. You felt nervous, and even more scared. Maybe you shouldn't have agreed to hang out with San. "Pachi, you told me to go for it. Should I just cancel and go with you—"

"No, no. I know I said that. I'm sorry, cielo. I didn't mean it in a bad way. I'm glad you're hanging out with him and stuff! Seriously. I just didn't expect that day to be today."

"I don't exactly have much time to find a dress."

"Yeah, I know. You'll find something and you'll look great in it, though! Is he gonna meet you after class?"

"Mhm."

"Okay, good. Well, enjoy yourself, okay? Don't think too much and just go with the flow."

"I know, I know."

"Well wait, let me back track." Jisung lets out a sigh. "I'm sorry. Are you ready to hang out with him? I hope I didn't pressure you too much."

"No it's not that. I think I'm ready. I mean, it's casual and super harmless, right?"

"Of course. He seems cool. But if he does try anything that you aren't ready for, just call me."

"I'll be fine. Thanks, Ji."

"Alright. Send pics of what you find!"

"I will." Your bottom lip pokes out as you end the call and tuck your phone back into your bag. This morning, you felt your confidence growing. You had been confident enough to agree to a hang out with San, even though he reassured you that there was no pressure. But the call with Jisung had you second-guessing everything.

Were you really ready for this?

You know Jisung meant no harm behind anything he said, but it was hard for you to not overthink. The only thing getting you by is the reminder that you have to experience these things to continue learning and settling back into the world; to continue living.

You couldn't be stuck in one place forever.

"Are you okay, miss?" You look over to your right and see the same boy from the front stocking up some of the shelves near the pottery classroom. You hadn't realized you zoned out and stopped in your tracks before entering the room.

"Oh. Yeah, I am." You chuckle shyly. "Sorry. Was lost in thought."

"No worries, just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Thank you." You give him a small smile before finally entering the classroom. It's only supposed to be for 6 people, and you only see one other person already sitting at a wheel. You take the seat opposite from her, giving her a small smile when she glances up to look at you. She returns the smile, but her attention shifts back to her phone.

It doesn't take long before the rest of the wheels are filled and class is starting. You feel incredibly shy, but everyone in your class seems to be down to earth and just as eager to get their hands dirty. At first, you feel shy. You're barely working on the clay as much as the others are, but you remind yourself that you work at your own pace. When it's time to throw, it's a bit of a struggle before you finally find your own rhythm; receiving small praises from your instructor as she comes to your aid every now and then.

You're making a basic pot. Something to start off with, something easy.

It's fun.

You're happy you decided to move forward with class, paying some money for a membership to use the classroom during open hours. Class takes an hour and a half today, but the classroom remains open for anyone who is interested in doing another piece before the kiln gets loaded in a class or two. You wish you could, but as soon as you let your pot sit on the rack to completely dry, you catch wind of San walking around nearby aisles. He sees you looking over and he waves, a huge smile plastered on his face while you continue to clean up your space. When you've finally gotten through the last items and tidied up, you quickly wash your hands and grab your things to meet San in the store.

"Hey!" He waves enthusiastically. "How was class?" He digs his hands into his pocket while he waits for your response.

"It was good! Fun to get back into it." San nods.

"I'm glad. It's always satisfying to get back into things you've enjoyed." He nods towards the entrance. "It's beautiful outside. Ready to shop for dresses? You can tell me more about class while we walk."

"Sure." You chuckle. "What have you been up to today?"

"Well, I started off my day super early. Went to the gym before work. Got lots of things done. Now I'm here." He gives you a small smile. Over the course of texting San, you find out a few key details about him:

One, he has a younger sister and a cat that he adores. He's very family-oriented and takes everything family-related very seriously. He met JJ and their friend group in college, and they've stayed close ever since then. He also adores his friends to bits; it's quite cute. He says their personalities are all different, but they mesh so well.

Two, he was the definition of someone who took every single opportunity [especially in college] and ran with it. He aced his classes, participated in campus-wide activities and student government, volunteered, took internship after internship— that being what lead him to a huge opportunity overseas right after graduation to learn side by side from a principal architect. Years of doing so led him to a full-time position with their office back here at home.

Three, he is handsome, and he is incredibly sweet. He's laid back and caring; it's very easy to see why he gets along with people.

It's easy to talk to him.

So easy, that time flies by when you're with him. After a long, ongoing conversation about how the days have been, you've already popped into a few shops; slowly pulling hangers apart from each other to get a better view of the dresses— no particular dress catching your eyes just yet.

You eventually do find two dresses in the back of a new store you popped into that look fantastic on the mannequin, however, you feel like it'll be a different story when you try it on. Jisung says the wedding is at a hotel near the oceanside two hours away. The colors are hues of sage, green, browns and pale golds, and you're already excited to see how everything will turn out.

One dress is a taupe satin dress with a high slit, spaghetti straps and a cowl neck-line. The other is a sage satin dress with an asymmetrical high slit. They're almost similar in style— you're just not sure which color [or fit] would look better on you. San can tell you're unsure as you look at both dresses side by side, hands trailing down the fabric.

"Those are really pretty. You should try them on. You'll look great in either of those." San smiles.

"They're not too.. simple?" San shrugs.

"No. I think they're perfect for the wedding." You give him a small smile and nod, walking off to dressing room. San finds a little cushion to sit and wait on, scrolling through his phone while he patiently waits for you to be ready. He's not expecting you to show him the dresses, and quite frankly, he hopes he didn't come off that way. He does believe you'll look good in whatever option you choose, and his opinion doesn't matter much at the end of the day— it's truly whatever you feel good and comfortable in. Of course, San thinks you're gorgeous. He really couldn't help himself that day he walked into the café and saw you. Of course, his end goal would be to take you on a date and see where thing goes. But, the thing about San is that he knows about your accident. He knows the overall gist of things that have happened, but he doesn't know the fine details like your friends or JJ might know. It's not his business anyway, and he'd rather not go back to that moment in your life. So, he doesn't ask. He'll let you open up to him about it once [and if] you're ready. But, he knows. And he knows this isn't a priority for you right now, which is completely understandable.

If things happen, things happen. If it takes time, it takes time. Until then, he will continue to get to know you and be a friend.

"San?" San is pulled out of his thoughts when he hears you softly call his name behind the dressing room door.

"Yeah? You okay?"

"Yeah, I just.. is it okay if I show you the first dress?"

"Of course, whatever you're comfortable with, Y/N."

"I just need you to see them and give me your honest opinion, okay?"

"Always." He hears the door handle jiggle before you swing the door open. You've tried on the taupe dress and you shyly come forward, hands fidgeting with the fabric of the dress. San sits up a bit as his eyes light up, nodding in acknowledgement with a small smile. "That color looks great on you."

"Is the dress okay? It feels a little too much." You fiddle with your fingers. "I feel like I can't comfortably move with how high this slit goes."

"The angle too, hm?" He nods. "It looks great, but if you're not comfortable, then maybe the next dress will feel better?" You nod.

"Yeah, maybe."

"It's fine Y/N, don't force yourself if you aren't 100% on it." You give him a small smile before walking back into the dressing room to try on the other dress. You also aren't expecting much with this dress, but as soon as you slip it on, you smile at yourself in the mirror and take it in for a moment.

It feels perfect.

The slit is also pretty high, but it's not asymmetrical and at a weird angle so you can still move around comfortably. It fits nicely on your body, your figure, and the fabric isn't too heavy. Taupe color is beautiful under the light, and it's easy to pair.

"I really like this one." You say softly and San lets out a small chuckle.

"That's good. I'm glad you do." He watches as you walk out and nods in agreement when he sees how much more relaxed you look in the dress. "You look beautiful. That dress is the one!" You shyly chuckle at him.

"Yeah, I think it is, too."

"Are you set on it, or do you still wanna look some more?"

"No, I'm pretty set on this." San stands with a smile.

"Nice, it's perfect. We can go eat somewhere after, if you'd like?"

"Oh yes, please. I'm starving. I'm sorry I dragged you along on this." You say as you shut the door and start to get changed.

"No, don't apologize. I meant it when I said I didn't mind. I'm happy to accompany you." San scratches at his temple and nervously laughs. "I honestly thought we'd take much longer, so I'm a little relieved we can eat now." You laugh and gather your things, handing the other dress to the staff member before walking to the cashier.

Afterwards, San takes you to a bbq spot out of the central downtown area, roughly a 15 minute drive out. You get seated pretty quickly even though the restaurant is becoming packed by the minute. It's not too loud, but it is bustling; with busy workers and people engaging in fun conversation over beer and soju. In the middle of grilling the meat and telling you his Spain experience, you get a call from Jisung— the constant vibration on the table pulling you away from San's story.

"Sorry. It's Jisung." San chuckles and shakes his head, placing a few pieces of samgyeopsal onto your plate.

"No, please. Go for it." You give him a small apologetic smile before picking up the call. Jisung is at home, bored out of his mind and a bit worried. He knew he needed to give you time to do your thing, but as dinner time was approaching, he couldn't help but check in. He just needed to know that you were okay and at least enjoying yourself.

"Pachi."

"Hi, sorry." He says. "I didn't hear from you for awhile so I just wanted to call." You chuckle a bit.

"I'm okay."

"Yeah? That's good to hear." He furrows his brows at the background noise. "It's kinda.. loud? Where are you?"

"Eating with San."

"Oh, okay. Did you find a dress?"

"Sure did. Oops, I'll send pictures to you after." You did remember to snap a few photos of the dresses you tried on earlier.

"No worries. It's not too crazy there, right?"

"No. I'll be okay. We'll be done soon."

"Okay. Please text me when you get home."

"I will."

"Love you."

"Love you too." You softly set the phone down and look at San. "I really am sorry about him."

"No, it's okay." San shrugs. "I get it. He's your bestfriend and he cares about you alot."

"Too much sometimes." You tease, though you try to hint at the fact that you are very grateful for Jisung no matter what.

Meanwhile, Jisung finds himself getting hungrier by the minute, finalizing his delivery order that shouldn't arrive too long from now. He's home alone while his roommates are all out, so he tries to pick up where he left off in God of War: Ragnarok to make time fly by. The delivery food actually comes a half hour later, with Jisung shutting off the game before darting down the stairs to grab his food. Just as he's bringing it in, he sees Minho pull up and park— leaving the door slightly ajar for when he walks in.

"Yo." Jisung quickly looks over his shoulder as he continues to unbox his delivery food, quickly greeting Minho as he walks into the kitchen. "Surprised you're home early."

"Surprised you're home since you're usually taking all the food at Y/N's and Uncle Adrian's."

"That's not true at all and you know it." Jisung looks at Minho while he chuckles at him and grabs a glass for some water. "Seriously, why are you home early?"

"I just wanted to come home early and not do something for once. Catch up on sleep. Be lazy."

"We can play, if you want?"

"Eh." Minho shrugs after drinking some water. "Maybe later."

"I'm also surprised—" Jisung shakes his head. "Nevermind."

"Say it."

"No, you'll kill me and Y/N isn't around to save me."

"What, she's still in class?" Minho asks with a chuckle, confused at how long your pottery class actually was.

"No, she's out shopping for a dress."

"Alone? Shouldn't someone be with her if she's gonna be out for a bit?"

"Someone is with her." Jisung mumbles as he pours some of his soup appetizer into a bowl.

"And it's not you?" Jisung shakes his head. "Chan?" Jisung shakes his head again. "Seungmin? Why on earth would you leave her with Seungmin, though?"

"I didn't leave her with Seungmin. I didn't leave her anywhere, she just had other plans." Jisung grabs his food and tries to head up to his room. Which, he successfully does, but Minho is following closely behind. "Gonna watch some streams since you don't wanna play, see ya—" Minho kicks his foot out to stop his door from closing.

"Why are you acting so weird?" Minho nods at him and furrows his brows. "You're the one who told me to stop being weird when it comes to Y/N, you little hypocrite."

"I'm not being weird!"

"You are!"

"She's in good hands, alright? It's fine."

"She's with San, isn't she?"

"I never even said anything. "

"See, you're being fucking weird for no reason."

"Well, I don't know? It's kinda weird to tell you!"

"This was your idea in the first place, remember?" Minho sighs and crosses his arms. "I just wanted to know if she was okay. Besides, how do you know if she's in good hands with San? He doesn't even know anything about her like that."

"You really think JJ wouldn't have said anything to him?"

"I don't think so?"

"He's one of JJ's really good friends, I think he might know some portion of it."

"Then, he's not any better than you and I, is he?" Minho cocks his head to the side and looks at him.

"Please don't do that." Jisung sighs. "She's fine, okay? He seems cool. I think we can give him a little more than that."

"What's your plan behind this one?"

"Don't even say it like that, dude. For real." Jisung's brow is slightly furrowed, though this is something he fully expects from Minho. "I just thought it'd be cool for her to hang out with other people too. It doesn't hurt."

"Hm." Minho hums as he turns on his heel and walks towards his room.

"Where are you going?"

"Change of plans. Gonna head to the studio and work on some stuff."

"Wait, you're not upset, are you?" Jisung pouts a bit. He really didn't mean to make Minho upset even though he knows you're still a very sensitive subject to him. Plus, Jisung doesn't want this to spiral out of control. He'll give you some time, but he will tell you everything. He will.

"Upset?" Minho slings his bag over his shoulder and gives him a tiny pursed smile. "No. Can't be." There's a drip of sarcasm in his tone because of course he can't be. There's so many truths, feelings, opinions, clinging onto that statement alone. He's trying to convince himself that he can't be, but also, he knows this is the response he'd immediately get from everyone around him. And he hates that.

Because no matter what, they will never understand you two. They will never understand the thoughts, the feelings, that occupy his mind day in and day out— especially since the accident happened.

He feels.

No one seems to know that.

But to simply answer Jisung's question, yes. He is upset. He really hopes you're okay and that San is taking care of you. It's the least he can fucking do after charming you the way he did. He's upset because of many other things, he's upset because he finds himself dwelling on the past much longer than he needs to. He finds himself sinking into all the 'what if's' — finding it hard to focus on his present, to look forward to his future.

He's constantly sinking, with nothing in reach.

He heads to the studio just like he tells Jisung, but he doesn't have class. There's nothing scheduled at the studio, so there shouldn't be anyone around.

It's fine.

That's what he needs right now, anyway. Space to do his own thing, space to dance out all the frustrations. Space to shake off all this shit.

When he gets to the studio, he parks his car and unlocks the door with his own key; tossing his bag off to the side as he steps into the room. He instantly connects his phone to the speakers, blasting his more upbeat playlist throughout the room. He stretches as the mirrors vibrate to the beat of the song currently playing, lights dim and barely illuminating the space.

He lets everything go.

He just needs to, momentarily.

He lets the vibration sink through his body, letting it flow through in waves— just like with everything that's been happening. It's the only way he's been able to process. He has some choreography he needs to finish up before next class but that's the last thing on his mind right now.

The first wave, Minho felt numb. He couldn't believe how everything happened so quickly. You were just in front of him— only to be snatched away hours later. He wasn't sure what to do, how to gain power to change time, didn't know what life would be like with you. It was all too much to process knowing you were almost taken from him completely.

The second wave, Minho was angry, upset, frustrated; all the time. He had no outlet, and as fucked up as it sounds, this is how he brought Kat closer. He felt empty, he felt angry with himself, he felt like he needed some validation. Something to tell him he wasn't entirely at fault, that he was still a person who could be needed, wanted; that he wasn't a bad person although he did need to take ownership for some things at some point.

The third wave that he's currently riding, Minho has nothing else to give. Nothing else to process. He feels useless, powerless— he can't change time or bring anything back. There is simply nothing there and he doesn't know how to work with that in order to move forward. What can he change, how can he do better, when no one believes he can change and do better for you? No one wants to give him that. And quite frankly, they're slowly convincing him that he can't even give himself that.

Maybe it'll go back to the first wave and he'll go back to being numb. But Minho doesn't know what's worse— being numb because it's too much to process, or being numb because there is nothing else to process; nothing else to change, nothing to hang onto.

He doesn't know if he'll ever bounce back from this.

Minho is so into his thoughts as he dances without a strict choreo in mind, sweat dripping down his face as he takes a moment to catch his breath. He sits with his back against the mirror, regulating his breathing after consistently moving his body. He takes a quick sip of water, eyes darting to his phone lighting up on the counter. The vibration is cutting through the music, making Minho groan in annoyance at the interruption.

kat: roommates are gone

kat: lonely af

kat: can you come over? )):

He thinks about this, and to be honest, he still feels pretty shitty. It's a terrible excuse, but who else can he run to right now? Kat makes him feel good. Kat makes him feel better, at least, enough to push him through in the meantime.

minho: be over in a bit. at the studio.

Kat, however, will never be you. She temporarily fills the void, but she will never be you.

From before, from now.

kat: can u stop by for some food?

minho: i'm only coming by for a bit. i have to be up early tomorrow.

kat: yeah ofc whats new

Minho rolls his eyes as he sets his phone aside and continues to dance around the empty studio for a bit until he feels somewhat content. He drags his duffle bag to the separate staff locker room, quickly using the shower before changing into a fresh pair of sweats and a hoodie. He ruffles his damp hair a bit as he walks out into the fresh night air, tossing his bag into the trunk before making his journey to Kat's apartment.

At this point, he's not entirely in the mood to see her. But, he's here just like he says— and he only plans to stay for a quick minute before he's rushing home.

Just like he says.

"Oh, you really didn't stop by for food." Kat snickers a bit before stepping aside to let him in.

"Why would I when I said no?" Minho confusingly chuckles a bit. "Told you I was only coming for a bit. I'm beat."

"Uh huh." She says. "I missed you." She pouts. "I barely heard from you today." He watches her as she wraps her arms around his neck, kissing him on the lips even though he barely returns the effort.

"I was busy."

"You could at least tell me that." She whines as she laces her hand with his.

"Sorry." Is all he can say even though he doesn't really mean it. She is not you; from before, from now. "I'll let you know next time." He follows up and uses it as leverage to kiss her again. "I'm here now, aren't I?" He says in between kisses, sinking into her touch and her lips when she lets out soft moans against him.

This is right where he needs her to be. This is the release he needs, the temporary void he needs filled.

She knows what this is, for the most part. She knows Minho could never be serious with her, though she tries. Hoping one day, he will. Hoping one day, he'll finally move past you and give her a shot.

But, he won't. He never will. And if the accident taught him one thing, it's the fact that he will never, ever give you up again.

She takes the lead and rushes him to the room, clothes flying in all directions until they're decorating the floor. She pushes him onto the bed, legs dangling off the edge while she crouches down and wraps her lips around his length. He hisses a bit, fingers laced in her hair as he pushes her down more, and more.

More;

'Till she takes all of him.

He can't deny that it feels amazing, but he doesn't wanna leave it at that. He's not always a taker, only if Kat reassures that she wants to please him and him only. So, before he feels himself reaching his peak, Minho gently tugs her head off— praising her as he gets her on all fours. He's not wasting any time, no. He enters her and bottoms out quick, finding the perfect rhythm in no time.

He needs to get out.

He doesn't necessarily take his time as much as Kat wants him to. She's screaming his name like a mantra, head pushed against her pillow while Minho continues to do his work behind her. It doesn't take long before she's like putty in his hands and he's stupidly pulling out to spill his seed all over her ass, back.

He needs to get out. Now.

So, he comes back down from his high, regulates his breathing and hops off her bed. He's quickly throwing his clothes back on while Kat is confusingly doing the same. She's asking him why he's been doing this lately, and he doesn't really know how to explain to her that he's just feeling more and more disconnected to this whole thing— to her. She's still continuing though; arms crossed tightly against her chest as she follows Minho out to the door, tears threatening to spill over her bottom lid. He's not focused on her, to be honest, and he's exhausted. Not much is registering for him besides his lazy 'I'm sorry's' and 'I'll spend more time with you the next time I'm over.' But the one thing that does snap him out of everything is when Kat asks—

"It's because of Y/N isn't it?" He stops in his tracks right as he's about to swing the door open and turns over his shoulder to glare at her. "Ever since she woke up—"

"Don't." He says sternly. "You don't get to do that." His jaw clenches. "Do me a favor and don't bring Y/N up again." He swings the door and slams it shut, suddenly feeling emptier than he did before he got here.

Maybe this wave would be the hardest.

☁︎ FLASHBACK | HOSPITAL

"Are you going to come with us to the hospital to visit Y/N tomorrow?" Minho shakes his head at Seungmin.

"Probably not. You guys can go without me." He says softly as he scribbles some notes into his notepad for the small, upcoming café renovations.

"You sure?" Seungmin softly asks and all Minho can do is nod without meeting his eyes. Seungmin lets out a soft sigh before he grabs his keys sitting on the dining room table. "Gotta head back into the office really quickly to drop something off. See you later?"

"Yeah." Is all Minho says, still avoiding contact until Seungmin is out of the door. He lets out a deep sigh, dropping his pen onto the notepad.

He doesn't even remember what he needed to write.

He checks the time on his watch, hand close to hitting 4 o'clock. He groans to himself, shutting his notebook before grabbing his own keys from the other end of the kitchen table.

He hopes he doesn't regret this.

Though, he kinda does when he slaps the visitor tag on his sweater and proceeds to your room. Then, it grows when he stands at your doorway and sees you lying perfectly still on your bed. He digs his hands into his pockets and remains there for a moment, afraid to move closer, yet his feet aren't taking him away from your room. He musters up the courage about a min later, slowly walking towards your bed side.

Even through all the pain and hurt you've been through, you still looked so, so angelic.

"Hey." He says, close to a whisper— voice slightly cracking because he doesn't know what he's feeling right now as he looks at you. Is he angry at himself for coming here when things were't changing anytime soon? Is he angry he could've done better? Is he angry for the way the universe is playing such a sick fucking joke on him right now?

Because you're in reach and out of reach at the same time.

Minho gains more courage to pull his chair closer to your bedside so that he doesn't have to lean too far to get a good look at you. The only sounds filling the room are the beeping machines and the people passing in the hallway outside.

"Y/N." He calls your name as he gently brushes the hair back and away from your face. "Hope you're doing okay." He feels so stupid. Why would he say that? His thumb caresses your cheek before it slides down to your hand. It isn't too cold, but the warmth in your body has subsided.

The warmth in your body is fighting to stay.

"I-I—" He pauses to lick his lips. "I miss you." No response. "God, I miss you." He feels the tears welling up and his head drops. He holds your hand tightly and squeezes, hoping he can feel anything on your end.

But, nothing.

"I'm so sorry." He whispers just as he's remembering every detail about you, the moments he's shared with you, the feelings, your touch—

The way you smile, the way you laugh.

The way you always kiss his fingers and look at him in pure adoration.

The way you bring the sun and blue skies into every room.

"I fucked up and I'm so, so sorry." He continues to whisper as he cries harder, head falling near your lap as he continues hold your hand. "I'm so sorry." He repeats.

He should've kept his word.

He should've done better.

He should've protected you.

"I should've done better. I shouldn't have let you go, and I'll never forgive myself for being so fucking stupid." He looks up at you through his teary eyes before returning his head back near your lap. "I get it. I would never want you to be in pain. Or, to hurt. All I want is for you to be okay. But, if you can at least hear me right now—" He pauses as his crying intensifies. "Please don't give up on me. I know I fucked up and I know I have no right to ask you for this, but please don't leave me." It's barely audible through his crying, but he's hoping it will somehow reach you. "Please don't leave me."

☁︎ END

♡ taglist: @lotus-dly​ @jihanlovic​ @meloncremesoda​ @hoes4lino​ @skzddicted​ @skzho @edgaralienpoe​ @harui-zen​ @bestleeknowstan​ @havenwithleeknow​ @septicrebel​ @heesdazed​ @borahae-reads​ @yoontaethings​ @pearbunny​ @bintificreads​ @lukeys-giggle​ @ajxreads @everglowdaisies​ @allaboutsan​ @endzii23​ @leeknowsramen @heres-your-ramen2000​ @morningstardada​ @mal-lunar-28​ @downbadreading​ @lilysophie @feelikecinderella​ @urmomma0324​ @ddazed-lhs​ @djeniryuu​ @melanctton​ @i8rsie​ @maru-matt​ @sleepyleeji​ @taerifin​ @nattisbored​

[aphidclan-clangen]

if every adult cat had a novella, and yes, when the kits grow up, i’ll send another one of these for them!!

Pearlstar’s Company

would be about how pearlstar says “i am alone” to bliss, how pearlstar HAS no company, yk??? how pearl has nocat to hold, and how he’s lost everyone except bliss. maybe focuses a bit on his new kits? idk, we don’t know a whole bunch about em. idk if he would get that company he wants at the end of the book, but it would be how life story, about how he lost everything.

Firebeetle’s Wandering

would be about how he got lost. it would be about how firebeetle wanders with gravel, the prologue would probably be him having his kits?? idk, but the whole mini inbetween moon gravel and firebeetle things would be the whole book basically. by the end of the book, it would be nice if fire got back to camp with gravel. but yk, whatever happens in the comics!!!

Blisswhistle’s Doubt

this one would def be about bliss’s self doubt, about like,,,, everything?? bliss does doubt herself a bunch, it would go through his story of how he gains confidence over time. a major plot point would be her and gold’s fight about kits. and it would also tie into firebeetle’s story kinda, bc when gold and bliss get back to camp, fire’s gone. but it would focus more heavily on blisswhistle’s life. her relationship with her parents, her self doubt, her relationship with gold maybe?

Stormwhisper’s Sight

i’m not too sure about this one, but i wanna say that his book would be about what he saw before lilac died. it would be about his visions as a medicine cat, how it scared him, how he could confide in spark. they would be soooo close, besties. this would have maybe a bit about cresskit?

Goldshine’s Heart

would be about his relationship with blisswhistle, because they’re really cute. it could be about how he’s opening up star’s heart? how he’s getting less.... closed off? idk, i’m not really certain.

Sparkspeckle’s Guilt

maybe about, like.... her uhhhh...... idk, she’s my favorite, i just really want a novella about her.......

Shadebreak’s Light

could maybe something like, about their apprenticeship to goldshine? how they looked up to him, and how they got to be a warrior? basically shade’s life story, what they go through, what they’re like.

Icesheep’s Mind

idk man, i just like him.... i have noooo idea what his novella would be about.

Lilacpaw’s Limit

would be about how lilac’s backstory is quite different from most cats. how she came from a kittypet life (i think???). how she died and meets paradiseskies. and i want them to gossip together, that’s all i request...

Paradiseskies’ Loss

would be about how she..... ummmm... uh. i do not know. but i like her, so she gets to be on the list.

Gravel’s Choice

this would most definitely be about the metalden colony’s rule of having no closse relations. gravel having to make a choice of her colony, and fire’beetle. it would have all her hardships, and experiences, and memories. how she falls in love with fire, and how she realizes that she should’ve seen how important he was to her. how she should’ve left for him sooner. i would love if the book had some like, gravel getting used to clan life, and how she’s a bit stiff around everyone, especially her kits. but in the end, she gets comfortable with them, and loves them like a real parent, even if she didn’t know them at first. how she apologizes to everyone, how she adapts to her new life after being awkward and nervous.

Spiderglade’s Regret

would be about his relation to the metalden colony. and i think it would be cool if we spent most of the book in the dark forest, not the canon df, what YOU depict the dark forest. i dont know a lot about him. i wanna see how he copes, how he thinks and acts.

and thats all :3

Yesss I love this. I love all the names! (Especially Lilacpaw’s Limit, that made me chuckle thinking about Lilacpaw just being like “I’m at my fkin limit” hehe)

I’d love to explore this idea more tbh, especially since the comic isn’t in a written format so I can’t really do special one-off series or books focusing on individuals. Unless my plans for this change in the future, what you see in the comic is pretty much all you get (plus asks). If this weren’t the case however, I’d love to write a novella centered around Spiderglade. Growing up with bugs family in the clan, bugs training as a mediator, leaving the clan, meeting a…certain someone… his time elsewhere… his death. The people he visits after bug dies.

If there’s any other cat I would write a novella for, it’d be Gravel. Or Pearlstar. Both would center a lot around family, love, loss, and new beginnings. A Sparkspeckle novella would also be super interesting once we have a lot more of her life depicted in the comic, and Paradiseskies might be an interesting perspective to explore! Spiderglade would definitely be a more prominent character in a Blisswhistle novella, mostly during rainbows childhood growing up (before bug leaves)

[lovebvni]

what motivates me to shift?

thank u @morganshifts for the lovely idea!

so… there are a lot of things that motivate my to keep going in my shifting journey. this is a post i have made before (i’m pretty sure it was an ask) but i kinda wanna update it now, because there r more things!!

i hope this inspires u guys to keep going :)

having a regular job!

i was never allowed to have a regular job in high school :( it’s something i have really wanted to experience. i grew up very privileged, which made me upset in ways. am i grateful i have money, and i don’t struggle much, but i want to be ‘normal’ in a way. i’ve always wanted to be a barista too! i think it will be really fun!

2. friends :,)

let me preface by saying this — I DO HAVE FRIENDS AND THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY LOVELY <3 but i have never had constant friends.

growing up privileged, for me at least, meant always moving schools (primarily because of the divorce) and i have been in and out of private and public schools. i’ve never had constant friends. i want to! but i cannot here, or i haven’t.

literally my main dr is shifting back to high school to live with friends and shit bc i want to experience that

3. not being pushed into a box

wow i’m realizing how sad this sounds, but yeah! i won’t have to be forced to be someone i’m not, and i get to move at my own pace!

4. SLEEPOVERS!!

holy fucknuts, i have never had a sleepover with my friends at their houses (only once at my house in elementary school…) my parents will let me sleep over my friends houses :) like for days at a time! i just have to update them, obviously.

5. doing normal things!

going grocery shopping, to the mall, learning to cook! i’m so excited to do this bro u don’t even understand!!

6. being the center of attention (💀💀)

i’m an attention whore (TO AN EXTENT!) so my main dr, where i’m in high school, i am also a celebrity (music artist and actor) and i have celebrity friends!!! they r people i’ve looked up to for a long time, so it excites me a lot

7. HAVING EXOTIC ANIMALS!!!

dude i have 2 dogs, 2 cats, 3 TARANTULAS!, a boa constrictor and 2 white tigers (they r in a zoo but we technically own them!)

dude u don’t understand how much i love animals and how ive always wanted soooo many! my parents wouldn’t let me, as my first pets were going to be chinchillas before covid, so i have two little dogs here! in my dr i have 1 little/medium dog (a pomski) and 2 big dogs (one is a german shepard btw, bc they r so pretty ; the other is a husky — as i have wanted one since i was like… 5)

8. last one i’m doing; BEING QUOTABLE

i say the most insane things, but finally i’ll be able to get my sayings out there! i know im not always the first one to say it, but at least it will b funny for the most part!

i mean imagine a tiktok to your voice saying “shoulda, woulda, coulda? but fuckin’ didn’t!” LIKE? HOW FUN WOULD THAT BE

or people making cool ass transition videos to ur songs!! AUGH being so inspirational!! being able to keep ppl on their feet AUGHHH OK

that’s it! i may update this or do a part 2, but for now that’s all ill say, bc they r very simple and things like everyone will do 😭😭

but that’s it! love u all! trying to post more, so send in asks!

[alexanderlightweight]

Hello! For Writing Wednesday could we please have some more Spoils of War or Created for Death? I’m obsessed with both of these to an insane degree:

What I love about SoW: tentative!Alec whom Magnus has to work at gaining trust from? I love it. There’s a line in one part about Magnus having to fix how the Clave broke Alec before Magnus can gentle him and I just—gorgeous, perfect, headcannon accepted. Veiled consorts? Hooooooly that’s so cool omg I swear I heard a symphony in my head when I realized where you were going. The mask? Alec’s hesitance and obedience, thinking everything is out to hurt him but doing it anyway because what choice does he have, is so beautiful, and Magnus mourning a little that he didn’t have more time to make the experience better for Alec but not willing to risk the delay and risk Alec growing even more distant is just 😍—lmao I could write an essay about how much I love this universe.

CoD: I fucking love eldritch angel nephilim and this is giving EVERYTHING. Nephilim who are cobbled together projects of the angels, their biology so skewed by angelic power that even the nephilim don’t know what their children will look like/heal like/die like. Mostly the difference being subtle, but sometimes Not. Raised to hate and fear their full potential, anything that is Too Angelic, and Alec a living hearsay/blasphemy even when his blood was only 30/70 because if it. AND THEN. It’s not losing Jace that tips Alec over, it’s Magnus dying—demon-born prince/king of edom enemy of the Clave. So gorgeous, holllyyyy. I can’t even think too much about Magnus collaring 6-winged Alec, about Alec kneeling for him, about the terrible kindness and protection in Izzy disowning her brother, about the gentleness of Magnus hiding Alec away and covering his eyes and hushing him because even the ANGELS wouldn’t know what to do in this situation, with this new body, and then Team Immortal coming in and IMMORTALITY and wow

Anyway yeah sorry for spitting up my lovestruck brain in your asks but I had to make sure that you knew you’ve struck me deeply with your writing and that’s why I’m begging on your doorsteps for literally any content in either one of these verses 💜

i'm very glad both stories are being enjoyed so much and please don't apologize i love stuff like this! it's a huge compliment but also it's just really nice to see that other people are as into and obsessed with my verses as i am. because sometimes i wait for my sleep meds to kick in and i just plot where i'm going and end up passing out in the middle of a mental scene being written lol

so i wrote a thing for spoils of war and thank you! i'm glad it was enjoyed because i have this big headcanon about how consorts are really magically important to warlocks and magical kings if dominion magic is in the fic and a big thing about that is protecting the consorts identity. via masks but also cloaking the consort in so much magic that you can't even tell anything abut them besides what the warlock allows you to know. and there is a lot of history thats hinted at

-

for created for death

izzy was fucked up about that, okay. but she had to relinquish alec as a brother because otherwise the clave still had ties to him. since they don't need them anymore, the clave sort of doesn't let true nephilim have any rights. so alec had to be disowned as a nephilim and then magnus was basically like 'okay but my magic is on him so hes mine since i calmed him down' and izzy was like 'he totally counts as a weapon. yours now. because thats the safest thing for alec atm

so alec is actually 70/30 and most nephilm are 30/70 in a angelic/mundane equation. which is why he was being kept watch over by the clave but uh, the fear of magnus dying kinda made him lose it

i hope you enjoy this!

<3 lumine

spoils of war

—

Alec doesn’t know what’s going on.

Magnus didn’t bother explaining what the ritual was or what it did beyond that it was yet another bonding ceremony. But even their political wedding that signified the end of a war didn’t feel this elaborate.

Alec knows it doesn’t really matter, that he’ll be taking part in the ritual whether he knows what it does or not. In fact, it's almost better not to know than to know what he might need to do.

Alec can’t say no to whatever is going to happen and he knows that, so he takes comfort in the fact that he can still see. The mask has magic in and through it and Alec tries not to consider where it’s from and why he can feel nephil magic still fading from it.

Instead, he concentrates on Magnus and his magic and puts out the thoughts and details of his surroundings, like being watched by over a thousand warlocks and their companions, all hidden with their faces hidden behind a variety of masks.

It’s daunting to be here, to be taking part in something that feels so old and sacred when Alec was supposed to be no more than chattel. Fodder for a war built on the blood of innocents that Alec’s own people started.  It feels wrong to be here so defenseless and yet know that Magnus’ magic will protect him better than any weapon.

—

Carefully, Magnus uses magic to take off Alexander’s ceremonial collar and he instead replaces it with a loop of pure magic that will slowly take on more and more power until the image of it will always become whatever Magnus wishes it to be.

For now, however, it is a tight loop of deep purple magic that pulses with Magnus’ magic and power in time to Alexander's every breath.

It’s a show of power to summon a single adamas arrow — one that Alexander gave to Magnus by his own hand — and hold it without harm. Alexander sucks in a startled breath — perhaps at the sight of one of his own arrows or that Magnus can hold it with ease — and Magnus can feel him quiver under Magnus’ palm.

“My protection is absolute. When you bleed it will be because I wish it, for no other is allowed to spill your blood.” Magnus uses the arrowhead to nick Alexander’s upper lip — just as he cut the lower with the stele — and then he leans forward to lick it off and suckle the cut until he earns a whine of pain.

“The flames of Edom will devour all before allowing anyone to touch you without my permission.” Magnus promises and his fingers dance with flames that brush harmlessly over Alexander’s neck — the shard of Magnus’ soul claiming Alexander in an undeniable way that will protect him from harm in Edom.

Alexander seems torn between leaning forward and stepping away and Magnus knows his boy better now than he did when they were wed. Alexander needs no leash as Magnus first thought, just a steady hand and Magnus’ voice.

The bonds between them are the only tether Magnus will ever need with Alexander.

“Sweetheart—” Magnus teases, his voice caressing Alexander with magic and he can see how his boy shudders at the sound and feel of it. He steps forward unconsciously, he's been instinctively drawn to Magnus from the very beginning and Magnus croons and reaches out. His palm blooms with hellfire before settling on Alexander’s hip and Magnus pulls him closer still.

“Should any look at you without being graced by my benevolence, their sight shall be consumed by my magic. A payment for stealing a glimpse of what is only mine to see.”

Magnus’ vows are instinctive and there is a primal surge of delight as he takes the ritual a step further, cursing any being who would dare look at Alexander’s uncovered face without his blessing.

It’s an old tradition.

Older still than the ritual Magnus is using and it’s something that has been out of style for over three centuries. Magnus still remembers the stories of how the legend of Medusa started. A warlock desperate to protect her gorgeous consort cursed her love with a vicious, loving protection.

Magnus knows now that Alexander expects to be a spectacle.

A disgraced nephilim in the eyes of his own people, traded away for a peace bought with his soul and virginity. Alexander expected to be paraded around as a mockery, a whipping boy for the clave to offer to the warlocks and it’s clear that’s what the clave told him he was.

But Alexander is not something to be gawked at.

He is not someone who Magnus will allow others to see, not to admire and certainly not to laugh over. Alexander is his consort and if that means that Magnus veils him in magic and curses all those who dare look upon him, then so be it.

[asylum-of-dreams]

DNI if you will be hateful or mean

So basically for my whole life I have been told by other people “oh you really remind me of that Mike guy from stranger things!” and I was like “oh cool I guess”.

then I watched stranger things and at first I got so mad cause Mike annoyed me so much cause I kept seeing myself over and over again in all the things he did, especially when I saw season 3 and I was going through the same face, trying to understand myself after giving all my time to the others, finally starting to get away from bullying and I was trying to get over it but I felt like I was pushing everyone away, I had words fail, I was scared, I was sassy, cold, distant and I tried to explain myself but I felt like only bad things came out.

when season 4 came out I saw how Mike changed and I was changing too, after season 3 I realized what was happening to me, I started controlling myself, sometimes too much. Sometimes I was the bad guy even tho I was just living and trying to find my best decisions, I was trying and sometimes I wanted to go back in time, after years and years where I was trying to grow up, and being pushed to it by all around me.

and now I’m changing, I’m accepting myself, I’m sticking to what I love, I’m trying things out of my comfort zone and even tho I’ve been called courageous and brave all my life, it’s just now that I really feel like this.

before being brave was doing for the others, it was a cold feeling where I felt like I didn’t have anything to lose at all.

now bravery is hot, warm and it is very close to a genuinely feeling.

it makes me so sad when poeple get so mad over mike.

he’s just a kid, he lost his point of reference so many times, he started growing feelings that feels wrong, he felt wrong, he was wrong in his mind and yeah he definitely cares much about the others but he has separation anxiety you know and sometimes it’s hard to even get why I do say certain things but I’m just a kid?

I get what he feels like not having a place for your inner child, protecting yourself after years of being there ONLY for the others.

I get what it means to be called selfish after years of giving all to the others to the point that you were nothing but a reflection of who you love.

but he is growing.

he is feeling.

and so am I.

I’m getting better, I got so much better and I genuinely feel like this guy connected some old fragments of his past memories/trauma/experiences and he’s getting the best from them. He’s staring to feel after he was totally passive over every feeling, he started adapting and making choices.

he’s getting over anxiety and depression and he’s trying to accept it.

plus I really think he has adhd cause I do as well and I see so many things that remind me of that and yeah, it’s too long to say it all here.

I am genuinely so proud of how loving and awkward we are and I love how he’s staring to lose control over himself.

we are letting everything wash away, everything is acceptable.

[adelaidedrubman]

For the pride asks: 3. 6, 11 for both Jestiny and Jenna! 19, 20 for general Qs! 💕

HIIIIIIII CAYMAN thank you so much for sending these!!!!!! sorry they took ten million years but hey, it’s still pride month! (also sorry it’s so long as always i am thinking out loud and nobody has to Read All That disclaimer)

3. How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?

so, i’ve joked before that jestiny’s bisexual awakening was the sneakin’ around number in dolly parton’s best little whorehouse in texas. (seen below for anyone interested and unfamiliar.)

but to be more detailed i think realistically by the time she saw that movie she was actually probably well aware going in that dolly was hot and she’d had a crush on her for most of her life and was there mostly just ogling her in that lingerie then saw burt reynolds getting flipped over that bed and said “well there could be something to that also!!”

maybe the bit with the vacuum hose as well. watching it over again that might have been a pegging metaphor

6. How does your oc feel about labels? Theirs, or in general?

jestiny is very casual and relatively eager with labeling herself, but her knee-jerk reaction is always to resist external labels — in part because she’s used to having to combat incorrect assumptions, in part because she’s simply combative and will yell at someone for assuming even when it is correct.

that being said she usually follows up with protesting labels by labeling herself with her chosen term, even when the person had already used it. “WHOA you have a boyfriend?? i thought you were a lesbian after that one chick....” -> “you shouldn’t think of me at all, because you’re wrong. don’t label me. i’m bisexual.” / “you’ve been with men AND women?? that’s so cool i didn’t know you were bisexual” -> “never said i was. that’s not what that means. don’t label me. i’m bisexual. but not because of what you just said.” / “i get it so like...... you don’t see gender your heart just wants what it wants...... sexuality can be so fluid and love is beautiful.” -> “ew no. speak for yourself. don’t label me. i’m bisexual.”

11. Is your oc open about their identity? Are they more lowkey or more blunt about it? Why or why not?

[tipping her women want me fish fear me hat] absolutely open, this is one of very few things it’s really easy to learn from her from the first conversation. she will quite literally tell people she’s bisexual before she tells them her name. she will tell them she’s bisexual while actively refusing to tell them her name because they don’t need to know her like that. primarily because jestiny doesn’t consider her sexuality to be like, particularly personal? this is boring demographic information you could learn about her as easily as jotting down her hair is red. and also because she’s the classic girl who comes out because she can’t resist making a well-timed joke about her sexuality. seizing every “i could see it going both ways....” may be low hanging fruit, but it’s honest fruit.

3. How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?

jenna never had like, particularly strong expectations for herself to be any specific orientation in the first place, so to a certain degree it was just analyzing her feelings as she went while growing up. i mean she was definitely exposed to heternormative messaging but in the #Supportive and #Progressive way. cut to jenna’s straight parents explaining their grown-up friends coming over to dinner are both boys but they are married just like mommy and daddy, because boys can love boys and girls can love girls, and baby jenna being like “i have never assumed otherwise bc i am a child learning about the world for the first time but thank you for the information.” (point being she knew straight was the majority/considered default but not the only option.)

as far as a specific realization moment i am going to lean into the bit again and and say after eleven years of thinking probably only her feelings towards girls ever met the definition of “crushes” jenna kissed a girl she liked at science camp then decided she should kiss one of the boys there she found pleasant just to be sure then stopped in the middle of the kiss to pull out her journal and write down “hypothesis: lesbian”

she’s checked in with her feelings occasionally since then but it has always been “data collected confirms lesbian hypothesis”

6. How does your oc feel about labels? Theirs, or in general?

jenna LOVES labels. she’s a bit more interested in like, talking about the cultural history behind particular labels and the social practice of labeling gender and sexuality in general than she is getting into the weeds about the ones she uses for herself and why, but she does also enjoy her personal labels and will gladly talk about it as she’s rambling about generalities. (she tends to treat her own identity and feelings as secondary a global character trait for better or for worse, so.) that being said she also doesn’t try to limit anything by the available labels, certainly not for anyone else. like many things jenna values labels mostly for their present utilitarian value — they’re a means of quickly communicating via shared social meaning who she is and what she wants, and they do it very effectively.

11. Is your oc open about their identity? Are they more lowkey or more blunt about it? Why or why not?

jenna is quite open, and regularly volunteers the information before being asked, usually for the sake of clarifying interpersonal interactions. a man comes up to her in a bar and starts talking to her about a subject she’s interested in and she dives in with the preface “just so you know before we continue this conversation, i’m a lesbian.” flipside, her flirting also often reads quite dry and her interest clinical so she will clarify a compliment or question with “to be clear, i mean that in a gay way.”

AAAAAAND THE GENERALS

19. Do you have preferences about depicting homo/transphobia in your stories? What, and why? Does it vary by story?

it’s flexible, it’s not so triggering to me i absolutely have to avoid it full stop but i also definitely tend not to incorporate it into any setting that doesn’t require it, or make it the inescapable focus or driving force of things in settings it would realistically be present by no choice of my own. if it’s a fantasy world and the source material world build doesn’t specify otherwise, my go to is no -phobias of any kind. who cares there’s fucking spells and shit

as for real world settings, it tends to be there when and where it realistically would be to the degree it realistically would be, but again not the focus. like, everything i have written for fc5 has a montana 2018 degree of queerphobia as i have experienced it, but it’s mostly quick albeit dark jokes or noted generally when there’s other shit going on. (in part bc i tend to just decide i’m writing not cishet characters interacting with not cishet characters.) a few oneshots have incorporated it as one among many a notable plot/character things going on, but. i think my approach tends to always be “yeah obviously everyone is dealing with this but their entire experience of being a member of the community or a person isn’t defined by it.” i definitely don’t mind exploring Dark Themes, including the things i have experienced personally, but i only do it when it’s fun or enjoyable and this one isn’t as much.

20. Have your ocs helped you in self discovery? How?

this one kinda stumped me! i don’t know if i’ve necessarily learned anything brand new, but it’s definitely been a way to explore my experience and it has made me confident about saying loudly this is who i am, and the type of characters/relationships i want to see more of in media. it’s been self-discovery mostly in the sense it’s helped me with self-expression, a lot.

[captain-astors]

if you’re still doing 003 reqs i’d LOVE to hear what you think of tatara! he’s one of my favorite characters so i’m biased </3

I am indeed still doing these, and still thriving. Here we go!

How I feel about this character: 

So cool looking, the white trench coat and mask combo is so stupid and pretentious but it works somehow, and the fact that it has emotional value actually leans to the silly side of it in my mind. I’m not sure why, I think I’ve just wired my own brain incorrectly enough to go “haha you have emotions.” But I’m going to tell that portion of my mind to be quiet for now, because he has an excellent design, though it could stand to have a few more defining traits, and he looks a bit like a pokemon gym leader.

Oh! Also, Hands down coolest Kakuja and I wish I’d seen it before the Kakuja polls, in which I so foolishly voted Uta or something, thinking there could be no better. How wrong I was, FLAMETHROWER KAKUJA. The mere combination of words invokes awe. I could roll it around in my mind for hours. Continuing the pokemon comments, it really feels like the evolution of his normal outfit because it is also pretentious and stupid but somehow works and it’s really cool anyways. I didn’t realize how… large it was supposed to be before I saw a screenshot of the anime’s portrayal. It always felt human-sized to me, perhaps a couple feet taller but no, it apparently has the dimensions of an 8-wheeler and I don’t know how to feel about that. He definitely doesn’t really have a grand plan he’s just chilling with these comparatively much worse people while doing nothing particularly remarkable himself, he’s mostly just a functional figurehead eating grapes and providing the method to the madness that is Aogori. Eto had plans but she’s not going to take the time to carefully direct them herself. It’s a thankless job but might as well have the pale beanstalk who was-a-mask-wearing–kakuja-before-it-was-cool do it. He doesn’t seem to mind, or at least he’s just going to be in the same bad mood regardless.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: 

Just secondhand HouTata. I observe it. Live in antagonism, die alone, perfect. The golden standard. Neither of them are happy. Be like them, fictional couples. Also I like the thought of Tatara being awful at cuddling but the natural warmth makes it nice anyways. 

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: 

Ayato. “I don’t care about him at all, not worth more than the dust beneath my feet without about the same usefulness- oh they grow up so fast.” Go put what can only be described as your awkward nephew to bed, I don’t know why you thought it was a good idea to let this child into your terrorist organization Tartara, but congratulations he’s yours now.

My unpopular opinion about this character: 

I have few opinions on him and none of them are very strong so it’s difficult to find an unpopular one… his personality gives the profound impression of an undersalted pretzel stick standing upright inexplicably, and a shade of light green-grey. When lost I just spew a small piece of my constant stream of nonsensical, slightly unhinged simultaneous thought processes. 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: 

More screentime. Yeah he existed to prove points about other characters but you’d think the debatable leader of Aogori would be a bit more fleshed out.

Favorite friendship for this character: 

Eto! Mutual respect, terrible decisions, fun times.

My crossover ship: 

Maybe Rem. Or Luida. These are just my end-of-ramble thoughts now. The song I listened to for most of this has several instances of very goatlike screams and they were never where I thought they were no matter how many times I looped it. 

[stilessderek]

My Road To Becoming A Stay

According to my YT this date a year ago (7th of April 2022) marks the 1st anniversary of me first time watching anything Stray Kids. It all started with ODDINARY Main Trailer, however, it didn't make me a Stay just yet. Due to this day being a day that started my journey to finding Stray Kids and them changing my life, I decided to create a post showing my journey and lists of favorites. As you can probably see, I can’t decided on favorite songs as they have SO MANY GOOD ONES! First encounter: ODDINARY Main Trailer (thought it was BL (boys love) trailer with Felix and Hyunjin as main leads first. When I realized it was kpop I lost interested as I thought the music style wasn’t for me). Based on my YT log, I watched the trailer the 6th of April 2022. First song I heard: Maniac (kept showing up after I had seen ODDINARY trailer and eventually gave in and watched it). Song that made me a repeat listener: I watched Circus on the 12th of June 2022, along with Your Eyes that day but it wasn’t until 17th of June 2022 (according to my YT log) when I ended up listening to Neverending Story and Venom on the 28th of June 2022 (according to my YT log) that I became a Stay. First bias: Felix and Hyunjin. First ship: (I’m a shipper, I can’t help it) Hyunlix. Music videos that made me watch them over and over: (this is when I realized that I actually enjoyed listening to the music) Venom, Circus, Thunderous, God’s Menu, Back Door and Maniac. Before I knew it I was listening and watching (YouTube/TikTok) them all the time. Current bias: Felix, Hyunjin, Bang Chan, Lee Know, (that isn’t to say I don’t love Changbin, I.N, Han and Seungmin; each have something I like but those four above just makes my heart flutter a LITTLE bit more. Though I have to be honest that Han is taking up space in my mind more and more....).  Current ship: Hyunlix (the more I see of them, the more I love them; they’ve become my comfort (friend)ship), but I also really adore Chanlix. Stray Kids became my comfort place. I adore watching their chaotic videos and their music is amazing. It’s the first thing I do when I wake up. Stray Kids makes Stay stay. List of favorite songs: 1) Neverending Story (Tie) 1) Behind The Light (Tie) 2) Venom 3) Slump 4) Easy 5) Hellevator  5) Taste (Tie) 6) 24 to 25 (Tie) 6) Get Cool (Tie) 6) Lonely St. 7) Waiting For Us (Tie) 7) Red Lights (Tie) 7) The View (Tie) 8) Gone Days (Tie) 8) Circus (Tie) 8) Thunderous (Tie) 9) God's Menu 9) Back Door (Tie) 10) Maniac (Tie) 11) Charmer (Tie) 11) Domino (Tie) 11) Christmas EveL (Tie) 11) Wolfgang (Tie) 12) Scars (Tie) 12) Sorry, I Love You (Tie) 13) LoveStay  14) Secret Secret 15) Grow Up Honorable mentions: You Can Stay, Double Knot, Mixtape: Oh, My Universe, Placebo, Gone Away, Blueprint, Voices, I am YOU, Levanter, Victory Song, Here Always, HEYDAY, District 9, 3RACHA, Chill, Surfing, Ex, Wow, Airplane, Astronaut, SSick, Hello Stranger, B Me, There, Novel, Lost Me, DLMLU, Case 143 Favorite SKZ-REPLAY Songs: Deep End, Limbo, Love Untold, i hate to admit, Alien, Wish You Back, Up All Night, Drive, HaPpY, ice.cream, Piece of a Puzzle, Because, Zone, Streetlight (this is in order)

[simcardiac-arrested]

favorite part in sonic 2?

i just woke up i’m about to be the most autistic person in the whole wide world but umm. spoilers ahead obviously. for me the highlight of this movie was knuckles — i fucking love him so much it’s not funny. they were like How autistic can we make this little animal. and then didn’t wait for an answer. i REALLY like that he says stupid shit like ‘i am having the fun’ and ‘how dare you attack me in my hour of sorrow’ and ‘i only saved you because you saved me, which gave you a tactical advantage i do not understand’ (i saved the quotes that made me laugh because. well this movie was pretty funny) him being so serious is fucking hilarious especially considering he Doesn’t stop saying stupid shit after his redemption. speaking of i just think his development in general is really good as well. maybe it’s cliche but i honestly don’t give a fuck, i’m always a sucker for ‘evil’ characters realizing they’re not really evil, finding a new purpose in life and getting new friends/family. the parallels with him and sonic too ….. the way he smiles and laughs at the end of the movie….. weuhh …. wauehgghh …. sniff sniff

i really liked tails as well, i enjoyed his bonding with sonic a lot (especially when they had a danceoff with the russians to uptown funk… taht was. a thinf that happened in the movie) i kind of wish he got more moments to shine and/or more time to bond with sonic? but like. i enjoyed his little autistic ass too even if we didn’t get too much of him

in terms of favorite scenes, i think mine has to be the emotional beach scene between sonic and knuckles. not only for reasons i mentioned in the first paragraph — i see an edgy little red autistic character confused about their morality and purpose and i fucking go wild with it — but also because we really get to see sonic grow and be mature as he recognizes himself in knuckles. and then they found their family …. weuhhh ….. wahh …. sniff sniff (and also i really liked the final battle scene, it’s cool as fuck, there’s a giant robot, there’s family moments and themes of Not Having To Do This Alone Anymore, what else could i possibly ask for)

i liked more stuff but personally this is everything that makes this movie just fucking awesome to me. i think they should keep making good sonic movies and release sonic 3 next month just for me because i really like shadow and want to see him

[cherienymphe]

I had the craziest dreams last night and most were with rafe ☺️

Dream 1: the pouges were helping me escape rafe. We were on a boat getting away from him and I make it to safety I think. it was like a post apocalyptic garden where some people managed to grow all this food and it felt like a maze. I just remember him saying something about how we can protect wheezie together and I’m like “aww he’s such a good brother!” And then questioning why I’m running.

Dream 2: Christmas time with Rafe’s family and I (parents are friends I guess?) and I’m up at like 4:35 am to get ready cause we’re taking a photo soon. Suddenly Rafe comes into my room and I’m over here like “don’t look at me my makeup is a mess” and he just chuckles, shutting the door behind him. He’s wearing like a cream suit (similar to how you wrote it in the midsummers part of Amnesiac) and walks up to me and just kisses me! We’re full blown making out and I’m freaking out cause why does he like me? My mom then comes in to tell us the photo is being taken and I literally felt my cheeks burning cause I was so embarrassed. We go to the room to take our picture and I could feel him staring at me but I’m too distracted cause surprise surprise, my friends who I haven’t seen in a year are here! Rafe then becomes jealous that I’m not paying attention to him.

Dream 3: a continuation of dream 2 but different setting. We’re at a resort now on a private island and I’m trying to figure out what my friends are planning on doing because I miss them but also I’m trying to get away from rafe (idk what dream me was thinking) I also vaguely remember JJ being there…

But this whole island was cool, there were different houses you can go to where a lot of young adults went to have sex and the back of my head was telling me to with this other guy, rafe didn’t like that. And then there was this cliff jump into a pond or a river? (Is that even possible?) I also remember wearing a swimsuit and feeling insecure that rafe was going to see it but honestly I don’t even think he was in this segment cause I kept worrying about this other dude.

Back at the house, vacation is over and we’re all packing up. I say bye to my friends and decided to go to Rafes room. I think I asked him out.

Dream 4: rafe and i are in a city, like one of those cool walkable ones but also doesn’t make sense cause we’re in a car (not his truck) and it’s night. It’s cold so I’m clinging to him, kissing him and all that. Couldn’t wipe the smile off of me and it was just so sweet. We then pass a gas station and I’m hungry so I ask if we could go and he takes me (he did a u-turn) we get our snacks and decide it would be really romantic to go to a park! So we’re driving and make it to a church (idk why) also suddenly JJ is here again. And rafe doesn’t mind it….weird. We’re about to go into the park when this maniac runs towards us but we realize he’s warning us of something. Then this scary beast comes running out. Rafe decides to chase him and JJ is trying to call the cops. Idk how but they both make it back it the car and are traumatized, I remember JJs head in my lap. We were trying to explain it to our families but wouldn’t believe us.

* now was there no smut? Yes but the sexual tension was high and I think towards the end I was trying to do everything but that fucking beast cocked blocked me. I could still remember the kiss and his touch, ughh I wanna go back, minus the beast and also my mom catching me kiss rafe cause that was too embarrassing. Also rafe was so tall in this! I loved it!

Dream 1 is absolutely sending me where you're like oh he's a good brother so why tf at I running from him 😭

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

(Note: All of these asks are before episode 206 (Season 2 finale) so some may be dated.) 1. [spoilers for the most recent lore Olympus epsiode] if I wasn’t already a LO hater this episode would have been the final nail in the coffin. WHY is kronos, the ancient extremely powerful titan that rules over TIME ITSELF (and most likely the final boss), drooling over oh-so-beautiful Mary Sue Persephone like a dime a dozen perv? It’s such blatant fanfic writing and it makes him so much less intimidating as a villain. seriously what the fuck. literal wattpad moment.

2. having your favorite god show up in lo is the worst feeling in the world 

3. I truly love your thoughts on lore Olympus, I wish RS, instead of making a love/romance story, that she would have made a story based on the actual myths themselves yet make it her own “style”. Greek myths were there to teach lessons. For example, Zeus was loved by the people of Greece but was described as a asshole and cheater never getting a fair punishment for his actions. This was a way to teach the people about unfair power dynamics. RS could have made a story about this, she could have has us hate the characters at first but then, have them grow on us as we go through certain myths, having the characters grow throughout the story. Sorry- I’m rambling but that’s my take on it…

4. Eris from Billy and Mandy has superior charisma and powers change my mind

5. Honestly I’m pretty sure I saw that this is LOs last season so I’d thought I’d read up on it, because even if somethings bad I can usually still read it normally without being invested, but reading Persephones parts are unbearable. It’s so cringy and weird to me. I didn’t really notice that much but then you throw in other characters like Zeus and the most recent goddess shown and they’re so much better. I was really into Zeus’ story but it ended way too short. Maybe it’s just because I’m more into reading stories that have a established bad character and then the story goes on to explain what happened to make them bad, but it’s so much more interesting to me to see Zeus grow up unaware of who he was, raised by by nymphs of all things and try to piece together how he got were he is. The fact he was raised by nymphs but they’re treated as lesser than In the future is so interesting to me. I want more of his story because even if we know how the current Zeus is, the progression of his more meek kind character raised by women nymphs into self absorbed king who doesn’t treat women as people is way more interesting. Idk it just helped me realize how plain and boring Persephone’s story is in comparison when it shouldn’t be.

6. minthe in lore olympus >>>>>>>> hades and persephone in lore olympus

7. I actually really liked Persephone in the beginning of Lore Olympus. She, along with the slightly cool art style, were the reason I even read as far as I did. I thought she was a cool character with a fun personality in the beginning.

I never particularly liked Hades, but I thought he had potential. I thought he was an interesting character and was excited to see him develop.

I never ended up getting that far in, because I often put stuff down and don’t come back because I have a bad memory. But then I read some more about it, and was happy with my decision to stop. I am really disappointed with how the story went. I really liked the characters and their potential in the beginning.

8. I didn’t realize how much the quality of the comic has dropped until I decided to reread the first couple of episodes. Some character’s personalities have completely changed (for the worse..), the writing quality/dialogue is very bad in comparison, and the art quality has dropped tremendously. Not to mention the plot has completely changed. It’s a shame WT forced RS to make LO so long, I think a lot of the issues it has right now wouldn’t be present if the comic was much shorter. 

9. Idk if you still answer anons or anything but it is so funny to me that LO fans (particularly the ones who fastpass) are starting to turn on the comic. I've seen a lot of fans saying they haven't been happy with where the story is going/pacing/things like that. They're especially upset that webtoons is now charging 7 coins vs 5 coins for fastpass. Idk it's just funny to me. These are people who would like fight to the death any time someone dared to criticize Smythe and now they're like wait this actually isn't that good. Oh how the turn tables. 

10. I just started LO again and remembered how engaging it was at the beginning and how each character was unique in a sense. Now it is just a shell of what it was used to and feels like second rate fabrication. Honestly even Zeus became the character that make the most sense and he’s supposed to be the problematic one… He’s honestly the only one criticizing Persephone at this moment and I need that fresh perspective 

[totaldramafan-lauri]

OK, I.....I think I’m ready now! I know this took a lot longer than usual, but that’s cuz it was SO HARD to order these! With the exception of the curveball that is my number six, I had all of these pegged as favorites, but actually ordering them was a challenge! X__X There’s no major gaps, it’s VERY close! I think  the biggest gap is between my top two and the others, but even then, it’s not by a lot.....Compare this to last year, where I had my runaway favorite picked out after three days, pffff....

B-but enough rambling.....here they are:

1. Australia. I love literally everything about this song. It’s such a good pump-up anthem for me, perfectly intense, the screaming isn’t overdone, the instrumental break is a thing of beauty, and the lyrics are GREAT. Not deep or anything, but a metal song that includes shouting “PROMISE ME IT’S GONNA BE ALRIGHT” and “PROMISE ME YOU’LL HOLD ME TILL I DIE” fits surprisingly well, sounding like someone on the verge of a breakdown and needing reassurance, but not in a downer way, in a “desperate optimism” way, which is EXACTLY what I want from a song like this that I’d listen to for a motivation boost. PERFECT song for me, favorite this year, I. Love. It.

2. Finland. A VERY CLOSE second, only being held back due to some nitpicks. This song manages to be both intense and fun at the same time! Super catchy, but packs one HECK of a punch! I never would’ve thought I would like a song like this, but it completely blindsided me!! Finland, OK, I know I said to keep sending rock songs, but harder stuff in general works too. XD

3. Malta. Just SO much fun, not much else to say here. Sounds like nothing else this year, great instrumentation, great beat, makes me wanna agree to dance, and that’s all there is to it

4. Norway. This is where the ordering got hard, but I think I’m comfy calling this fourth. I’ve REALLY gotten a lot of fun outta singing along to “HER NAME IS!!” This song is really grand and leaves an impact, and has one of the best choruses of the year

5. Poland. This year’s “no thoughts, head empty, CATCHY CATCHY CATCHY” winner. Nothing really much to say, it’s just the catchiest thing this year while not being annoying, and it puts a smile on my face. I’ve been humming it a lot. Dang, Poland might be starting a streak of goodwill for me, that’s three years in a row in my top ten....

6. Iceland. And HERE it is, the major curveball of the bunch. I originally thought this song was gonna settle at borderline tier, but NOPE, it still managed to grow on me even MORE somehow??? Like, I listened to it and was like, “WOW, I got more into that than Germany’s entry today”, and then “WOW, I got more into that than Moldova’s entry today”, and I....I THINK it finally settled here, but geez......This song is the obligatory “I love it, but I have a hard time justifying why” song of the year....gotta have at least one of those. I literally have nothing to say except I just flat ADORE the vocals on this, especially the chorus. I love this lady’s voice and I’m NOT sorry. That’s enough reason for me, it’s just THAT good. Me learning the lyrics and realizing this is the kinda thing I wanna sing to the people who hurt me one day is really just the icing on the cake. I already adored it before then. Am I expecting this to be a popular song? Heck no, but it’s become a standout for me against the odds.

7. Moldova. It was a REALLY REALLY REEEEEAAAAALLLYYYYY close race for seventh between this, Sweden, and Germany. After listening to all three of them today, I finally decided that this was my favorite of the three. Really cool, atmospheric song with an almost hypnotic melody. Makes repetitive work in the same way as “SHUM” did. Probably the second-catchiest song after Poland’s.

And here are my runners-up, my four “borderline favorites” that have the potential to be favorites in the final after the cuts in the semis:

8. Sweden. I feel AWFUL that the year Sweden brought Loreen back, she didn’t make my favorites.....but at least she made my top ten! Literally the only reason this isn’t higher is just strong competition. That’s IT. This is still an amazing entry from Sweden. GREAT lyrics, vocals, and atmosphere, it just didn’t QUITE catch my attention as much as the Moldovan song. I REALLY had to shed my bias for the artist in order to be fair here, and even then, it was hard. This is an S Tier song with an SS Tier above it.

9. Germany. Another massive grower that was close to making the favorites list before Iceland happened. This is a REALLY cool song with hecka “Hard Rock Hallelujah” vibes. Another pump-up anthem, but doesn’t hit as hard as my top two. Nuff said.

10. Serbia. Biggest guilty pleasure in years. I HATE how much I love this stupid, silly song! And yet, I can’t lie to myself....this song slaps. It slaps while making me question my sanity at the same time. What the HECK is this and why does it sound so flipping good. No joking, this is seriously a song that I’d even listen to just an instrumental version of if it existed, cuz the instrumentation here is AMAZING and the real star of the show. The vocals have grown on me, though.....

11. San Marino. YUP. Nearly ALL the rock and metal songs are big for me this year, including this one. Like the Icelandic song, I don’t expect this to be a popular pick, but I just can’t help but love it. Also like the Icelandic song, the vocals are the main reason why.

So.....yeah, these are my big songs to root for this year! But even then, there are plenty of other songs I really like, just not as much. This is gonna be another huge like tier. Romania and France will probably be topping it, with Austria, Cyprus, Belgium, and Czechia up there too. It’s amazing how many songs I “like but don’t love” for no reason other than the songs I love more getting more of my attention....when any of these come on, it’s always a good time still. Even songs on the lower end of the the like tier, like Armenia’s and Lithuania’s, have parts that stand out to me now after getting to know them.

The only song I’d say I’m indifferent to is probably Estonia’s, but it’s not HARD indifference. (And my feelings toward the Dutch entry are super complicated, but I’m settling for a “like, just not always in the mood for” with them)

Literally the only two songs I don’t like this year are Spain’s and Switzerland’s. And no, I don’t mean indifferent. No, I DISLIKE both of these, and I’m really sorry.....but Switzerland’s is just a massive downer and it sucks the life outta the mood whenever it comes up on the playlist, and I personally find Spain’s just really grating. I understand that kinda vocal is technically impressive, but I don’t like listening to it. A-again, I’m sorry, but....th-this post is just my opinions.

I-I.....I think I’ve rambled enough....

In the next few days, I plan on finally ripping off the band-aid and taking my first look at the betting odds, then planning my final rankings post. I’m not quite ready ordering all the “like but don’t love” songs yet, but I’m almost, I’d say.

I-if you bothered to read all this, I-I’m sorry my taste sucks XD

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

There are a lot of thoughts in my head right now and I’m trying to unravel them a bit before therapy on Friday.

Being with my friends this week brought up a lot of memories of my past self. I felt the most me in college, even though that was my most depressed time up to that moment. We were reliving my “glory days” of when I was literally (okay figuratively) fighting guys off me. For whatever reason, I was really “popular” in college. It was interesting hearing one friend (who I only recently became friends with) tell me how she wished all through college that we could be friends and she was so jealous of the people that were close to me (funny thing, this friend intimated me back then!) and our other college friends agreed- I was part of the cool kid club. We were recounting stories of the guys I dated and how some really tried controlling me (Bible colleges y’all) and I was a spitfire. I challenged them left and right and they all ended up leaving because they couldn’t get me to submit. (Seriously. This is Christian culture)

Then I moved to Massachusetts and while that wasn’t me, the confident parts of me grew even bigger. It was a trashy time in my life that I don’t like to relive, but the values I can pull from that time are confidence, self assurance, and self advocacy. I knew who I was, what I wanted, and wasn’t going to settle.

I was super shy and unsure of myself in high school and my confidence started growing in college and then in what felt like overnight, I lost all of it when I returned to college after Massachusetts. My friends had all graduated in the time I was gone, I was older than most of them classmates, had “lived more life” and just didn’t relate to my sheltered Christian peers. I hit an all time low with my depression and didn’t leave my bed unless I had to. I started over eating and drinking to cope. I sunk back into myself and it’s been like that ever since.

Hearing peoples perspectives of me back in college, reconnecting to that confidence and strength I once held… who I am now is not who I really am I don’t think. I think I had a moment (2013-2015) of confusion that led me to be more vulnerable to awful people.

Through college, I had a crush on this kid. Looking back, it was quite toxic for us both. He took on the role of counselor and me the client. He was my first unrequited love. I was crushed when he ultimately told me it wasn’t happening and he got engaged. I took this to heart. I felt unworthy of love. He didn’t like that I self harmed and always brought this up, that I could relapse, and I did many times. He didn’t like that I was queer, I couldn’t change this and felt so much shame around it. There were so many things he didn’t like about my free spirit and confidence and I molded myself to fit into that space. If only I was quieter, straight, stopped talking about my mental health, ready to submit…then I’d find someone.

I graduated college, most of my friends were already married (again, Christian culture. You’re an old hag if you aren’t married by 23). I felt unloveable. I started negative self talking to 1) make myself believe I was unworthy so being single hurt less 2) convince myself I was ugly and that was why no one wanted me 3) convince myself that life was pointless, you live and you die and that’s all there is to it.

I met my ex-husband and he saw my vulnerabilities. I was feeling so low about myself that he truly seemed like the best option I could have. He reinforced my negative self talk by shaming almost everything I did. Threw out the cleavage shirts, anything tight, anything that made me the smallest Bit confident. Slowly started planting seeds of doubt with my friends, ultimately convinced me that my best friend was no good and ended our 12 year friendship. Make me ditch all my guy friends. Abused me sexually and mentally until I was nothing.

And I’ve been carrying that feeling/self view ever since. And I’ve known that to some extent, but I didn’t realize just how much until re-telling stories of who I used to be.

——

My therapist uses mostly Acceptance and Commitment Therapy modalities in session. I didn’t really understand it until I started a research paper on it. One of the main things is to not base therapy/healing around goals, but to base them around values you want for yourself. View your life through the value lens. And things have been shifting, but now I really see where things can go.

Unrelated but related, the dynamic in my relationship is also changing drastically. I’ve had a lot more self confidence which shifted even our “lifestyle” if you catch my drift and I’m enjoying taking more a leadership role in our relationship. M and I have always been equals, but my brain has always told me that was not true. Until recently. I’ve been more about saying what I feel and challenging him when I don’t like the outcome if it feels unfair.

—-

I have never been one to submit and accept things as they are. As a little kid, I stood up for my friends and fought bullies. Things changed in Middle school and I seemed to have found myself again in college. Lost myself again, but I’m determined to get back to myself.

Confident, unapologetic, strong.

——

I think this also plays into my issues with my name. Something that I think goes deeper than just not liking my name, something i avoid in therapy.

“Kyden” and “Jersey” have been my favorite nicknames. They were college and Massachusetts, respectively. I was “Jessica” all through middle and high school. I was “Jessica” after college. The name makes me feel very dissociated. I don’t know who “Jessica” is and I think it’s because “she” is the one who went through all the bad shit. She’s the one who’s handled her parents homophobia and unnecessary pressure, she’s the one who made her family whole again after her sister abandoned my dad, she’s the one who broke her family apart during her first marriage, she’s the one breaking them apart again for the second marriage, she’s the one who was raped and abused, she’s the one who was bullied through grade school. She’s the one who’s taken everything bad and held into it because there’s nothing else that defines her.

I hate that name because it holds every negative thing that’s happened in my life.

I’ve been leaning towards making Kyden my legal name. Kyden is who I was in college. Kyden is confident and self assured. Kyden fought her way through depression and college and came out a stronger person. Kyden had/has so many friends. Kyden fought back against homophobia and Christian culture. Kyden stood out and didn’t care. Kyden challenged professors and students closed minded views. Kyden gave zero fucks and kept going even when the depression got bad.

“Jersey” was a mess, but a fun mess. I wouldn’t go back to this part of me/my life, but she taught me a ton. She was the last part of my confidence, the unhinged side I suppose.

This is the first time I’ve been able to verbalize any of that. It doesn’t seem like that big of a realization now that I’m saying it, but I’ve been too afraid to address it.

I think you can see subtle differences. But maybe it’s just me.

Jessica 1.0

Kyden in college

Jersey in Massachusetts

Jessica 2.0 right after divorce. (Lost all photos during my marriage thank goodness)

New moments of confidence and goofiness I haven’t had in years

[nerdyenby]

netflix live action atla reaction

Ep 1

I don’t feel like the opening sequence actually added anything to the story. I mean, it gave the other nations some more agency I guess, but it doesn’t actually accomplish anything, at least not at first glance

Kyoshi voicing the opening is so random what the

I’ve heard criticism about the show starting with Aang and I agree, but I also think that the point of remakes is to give us different perspectives on the same story. I’m not a huge fan but I don’t hate it either

The bending looks so weird, not necessarily bad, just off

Idk how I feel about the southern water tribe seeming so much more built up, it kinda diminishes the first impression of what the war has done to them

Other people have already talked about them butchering Katara’s character so I’ll just say yeah and move on. Hopefully she’ll grow into herself and become more confident and proactive, but I guess we’ll see

Iroh don’t feel like Iroh tbh

Gran Gran reciting the og intro is painful, we already got this info three times in the past twenty minutes queen

Katara, kindly never liken your loss to Aang’s. You just met this kid who just found out everyone he’s ever known is dead, you don’t know him and you don’t know what he’s going through. You can empathize with his grief, but don’t act like it’s the same please

So far my expectation of “mid” has been holding true but the scenery is beautiful and the establishing shots are absolutely stunning

“Protect those who can’t protect themselves” ZANE NINJAGO?!????

Ayo Zuko kinda in character?!??? Who wudda thunk

“Let’s go save that weird kid” Yeah!!!! Sokka!!!!!!

Kick their ass Aang!!!!!

Ok but we’ve seen him fly without the glider several times now, why does he need it?

Ok, yeah, I’d kill for Sokka/Aang bromance

Ep 2

Iron’s saintly patience makes it’s debut lol

MOMO!!!! He’s so ugly I love him

If Gran Gran had the scroll the whole time, why did she only just now tell Katara about it? Her letter just says that it’s dangerous but the fire nation hasn’t come to their village in years

“But most importantly, you must have- sticky rice!” “Uncle, we don’t have time for this” oh, now we’re getting somewhere!!

This show is so stupid, I love it

Suki best character after four lines of dialogue real not clickbait????

Shirtless guy per episode: 2/2

Katara’s outfit is so pretty!!! My irl watched the show before me and said the costumes are good but feel like costumes and I second that but it’s fun seeing how they interpret the og outfits

Suki is playing with him and having too much fun with it, as am I

Aang being afraid of himself is such a good decision, really reminiscent of his reaction to burning Katara in original

Ewwww romance /hj

Obsessed with the discussion of what it’s like being a nonbender and the extra steps you have to take

Yeah ok, they’ve already done Suki better than the original

Kyoshi boutta throw hands with a twelve year old fr

Women win these

Dang, Sukka kinda cute

The cgi is decent but Momo not having a shadow is so distracting

Ep 3

That’s… that’s Azula…

A resistance??? Epic!! I’m sure everything will work out just fine for these kids

I’m so excited to see what they do with Azula

Don’t love Aang teaching Katara instead of the other way around

“What makes you think we’re outsiders?” *Katara and Sokka look pointedly at their bright blue clothes*

Teo my love!!!!!

The inventor’s actor looks so much like him, I didn’t realize he didn’t have a name in the original lol

Ewww stop hitting on her Jet istg

Ok stop, you’ve fundamentally misunderstood Jet as a character. He does not think he’s cool, he doesn’t give a shit. He thinks he’s right. He’s too angry to care about charming people. He’s a boy hardened by loss and war, he’s not a fuckboy for pete’s sake

I really like this take on Sokka: he’s smart as a whip but was born and raised to fight, he’s never had the opportunity to take himself or his ideas seriously

“We don’t need to be afraid of our pain, we just need to decide what we’re going to do with it” that’s the good stuff right there

However, it is not escaping my notice that Katara only improves when guys give her advice

The blasting jelly looks so stupid

Ep 4

Bumi time!!!! I really do wish Aang mentioned him earlier

It’s giving season 2 finale and I’m here for it

Ok I’m kinda into this, the way it’s folding aspects of different episodes of the original together is really making it a distinct story. Still against live action remakes on principle, but it’s at least doing something interesting.

Bumi my love!!!! He’s so silly and unhinged, I would die for him

Katara popping off!!!!!! Love her taking ownership of her power

I really like Bumi getting into how he’s seen all the devastation of the past century and that Aang doesn’t know what that’s like, his rage and pain is so important to me

Oma and Shu lesbians?!????? /vpos

I am so glad their getting into Iroh’s actions as a general, it hurts but it’s something I missed in the original

DAMN lil zuko deserves the world, man

THE ‘LEAVES FROM THE VINE’ MOTIF GOT TEARS IN MY EYES INSTANTLY, WHAT THE HELL???? Atla has me in a chokehold and always will tbh

I really like that we’re getting Sokka and Katara bonding in the cave of two lovers. Romance is OUT family is IN!!

Zuko is kinda crushing it

Platonic love for the win!!!!!

Katara is so quick with it!!!

Bumi getting the emotional confrontation he always deserved my beloved

Aang’s lil “is that really so bad?” I love him so much. The only way the world can heal is childlike hope and an unwillingness to sit back and accept tragedy

“Home? Everything I need is on this boat” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Ep 5

Sokka is a mess this episode, good for him

Heibai my beloved

This whole episode is so fascinating, I’m just along for the ride lol

Ep 6

Roku is so silly goofy and for what

June girlbossin’

Ew why she up in Iroh’s face???

Blue Spirit time baby!!!!!!

Zuko and Aang actual conversation time?????

The boys are bonding!!!!

What the fuck?! They made his scar less severe???? Zuko has a vision impairment, how dare you take that away

Zuko’s crew being the division he refused to sacrifice is everything, actually

Bro I thought there were only six episodes, if it ended there I would’ve lost it

Ep 7

Zhao SUCKS, man gleefully tried to murder a child

I knew the wolf was Yue

Making Yue a spiritual leader is a move I respect, idk how I feel about her being a waterbender now

I don’t know how I feel about Yue’s characterization, her personality feels weirdly unnatural

No one told Kuruk that friendship is magic ig

Kill that man Katara, you can and you should

Rare Aang L

“So no plan?” “… I’m working on it, uncle” love them

Sokka popping off!!

“Go kick his ass” how did I know he was gonna say that lmao

Did her hair fall down lol, that was so forced

Ep 8

I saw it coming but I like the other waterbending women getting a role

General Katara my beloved, I don’t see people putting her in leadership positions post-war very often but she deserves it, she’s a great leader

Don’t think I like the moon and ocean spirits only visiting, feels like an odd and unnecessary change to make

THEY KILLED MOMO?!!??!!? WHAT THE FUCK?!????!??!!!!

Nvm he’s fine

Aang telling Katara to go easy on Zuko!!!!

We’re really ending the season without Aang waterbending a single time lol

Conclusion

It was enjoyable!! Not great but pretty good!!! It starts slow but once it gets going it does some really interesting stuff. I’m not a fan of all the changes they made, but a few of them are ones I’m very glad are there. The effects are decent but whoever is doing the fake beards needs to be fired. Definitely some choices made that I don’t like regarding some of the characters (specifically Katara and Iroh) but it overall is distinct enough from the original to be a worthwhile watch and also pretty fun