#I’ve been waking up at 4 am the past few weeks and it just makes sense

[stuckinapril]

Honestly I’m such an intrinsically morning person that I really do cringe at my teen phase when I’d stay up all the time against my circadian rhythm/natural inclination to be knocked out by 8 pm

[mrsharrington83]

Code Blue

Summary; The aftermath leaves Y/N second guessing everything in her life. Losing friends and witnessing her boyfriend of two years getting closer to his ex is enough to push her over the edge. Will they be able to pull themselves out of this hole that’s darker than the Upside Down itself? (For the sake of this fic, what happened at the end of the last episode of season 4 hasn’t yet happened)

Warnings; usual Stranger Things, things. Swearing, blood, injury, alcohol consumption, mentions of death and suicidal thoughts. If any of this is triggering, please don’t read.

A/N; I haven’t written anything in so long! It’s a long fic! 6.5K words, my longest on here yet. I apologise if this is bad, I’ve just been in a writing mood so thought I’d let out a lot of angst and fluff (we love it) I am a British writer (England) so sorry if things don’t make sense to you! Thank you for stopping by, hopefully my writing streak stays strong. Requests are always open. Love to all xoxo

The aftermath of the supposed earthquake had everyone second guessing. Some people left, other people were packing to leave. Having known what really went down, you sat in silence staring into your vanity mirror as everyone else you knew went to help the community at Hawkins High.

You just couldn’t stomach it. Cuts and grazes over your skin, tiredness evident in your eyes, your hair still clumped with dirt from the Upside Down, dried blood. You hadn’t even showered yet. You didn’t know how to process anything that had happened over the past 72 hours. You were accustomed to this kind of thing having it been a big part of your life for the past few years, the most recent battle however, took the biscuit.

Small Polaroid pictures littered around the back wall of your desk. Smiles, memories, better times. Max and Dustin when she stole his cap. They were in mid laugh so it was blurred a bit, but a happy memory that was stuck in time. That same Max was now in hospital, fractured bones, blind, unresponsive. Not laughing and joking with her friends, not happy, not anything. Doctors didn’t know if she’d ever wake. She was such a selfless soul, way beyond her years, but still so young. Too young. You all were.

Pictures of the group, you and your boyfriend Steve. A picture of you and Eddie during a D&D game. His hair all over the place, tongue sticking out, you laughing, Dustin in the background pulling a stupid face.

Memories.

Eddie.

Your best friend.

Gone.

Just like that.

He didn’t run this time, and fuck. You really wished he did.

The tick of your small clock dragged you away from the pictures, the light ticking mocking you, “shut up! Shut the fuck up!” you screamed from deep in your lungs, a howl so painful from your chest, putting what was left of your strength and upset from the past few weeks into knocking the blasted thing to the floor, hearing the glass and mechanics hit the floor in one swoop. It was a gift from Eddie one Christmas as you were pretty much always late. Bittersweet.

Guilt built in your stomach as you stood up fast, pushing your stool back with your legs, failing to the floor, cupping the bits of broken glass as sobs wracked your body, not realising your hands were clenched around the shards, the all too familiar claret running through the lines in your palm and down your fingers, dripping into a pool on the wooden flooring of the bedroom.

Your breathing hitched as you remembered Eddie die in your arms, the way blood trickled from his mouth. The look of pure terror on his face. He knew he was dying, but he kept it together till the very end for the sake of you and Dustin. His best friends, the people that were there for him no matter what everyone else was saying. You didn’t want to believe it. Dustin’s screams and sobs as the light left his eyes. You saw them gloss over. The way you both shook him, screamed into his ear, telling him not to leave you both behind. Your hands covered in blood. His blood.

Dropping the bits of glass on the floor, you pushed your feet and newly cut hands against the floor, the small slitters of glass that were still on your palm slicing deeper into your flesh until your back met the wall, your hands and body shaking, the tightness in your chest getting worse and you struggled to fill your lungs with air. You felt like you were about to pass out.

The past 72 hours had been, by far, the worst time of your life. You’d witnessed what you thought was your boyfriend of two years get closer to his ex, eyes can be deceiving, but there was something in his own eyes that glimmered whenever he spoke to Nancy, deep down you always wondered what Steve saw in you. Maybe you were just a knock off version of Nancy. Someone to keep him grounded in all of this. A warm body to forget all the wrongdoing in the world. Someone he knew cared about him. Perhaps more than he cared for you. You didn’t know that of course, it was just what your mind was telling you.

Your best friend had died for a town that hated him, Max, the girl who had adopted you as a cooler older sister after Billie died was lying in a hospital bed with the looming same fate, Vecna was still out there somewhere and you were sure there was even more danger on the horizon.

Even after everything that happened, your mum hadn’t bothered coming home. She was always away with her new man for weeks on end. She had called up one night before the phone lines cut out to make sure the house was still standing after witnessing the news, but other than that all you got was, ‘with everything that’s happened in Hawkins, I’m going to stay with carl for another few weeks, maybe more. Be careful out there.’”

You’d never felt more alone. You didn’t blame your friends or Steve. They wanted to help out, of course they did. You did too, but you were in no way the right frame of mind to be seeing people crying for their loved ones, talking to people that had lost others whilst you were reeling from losing your own.

You pulled yourself off the floor with great difficulty. It felt like you had a ton of bricks weighed down on you. Metaphorically speaking, you did. Though it wasn’t bricks, it was the weight of hurt and anger, of death piling up one by one. “Get yourself together Y/N. get your fucking self together.” Rummaging through your dresser, careful not to get blood on everything, you pulled out some comfortable lounge clothes that were bigger in size, purposely avoiding one of Steve’s t-shirts as you dragged yourself to the bathroom.

Putting down the toilet seat, you placed your clothes and rinsed your hands under the cold tap. Water on open cuts made you wince, but at least you felt something other than emotional pain. Watching your fresh blood mix with water and into the sink like a mini whirlpool was almost mesmerising. Picking out the last few shards of glass making the water redder with each bit. You were lucky water was still running. There were some parts of Hawkins that had no water.

Turning the dial on the shower you undressed. Peeling your clothes from your skin. Clothes you wouldn’t bother to wash. They would go straight in the bin. You had enough awful reminders on that night, you didn’t need more. Stepping into the shower, careful not to slip, you submerged yourself in warm, running water and closed your eyes, feeling old blood, mud and debris leave your tired body.

Steve had come home early, with both of your parents almost always being away you basically lived with each other. When your mum was away, he’d stay with you and if his parents were away, you’d stay with him. He had his own keys to your place, and you had your own to his.

Steve kicked his shoes off in the hallway, tiredness in his bones. The house was silent apart from the sound of water from the shower, you were at least out of bed. When Steve left this morning you were curled up in a ball with covers over your head, blocking out the world. He leant down and burrowed his head in your blankets kissing the top of your head, saying how much he loved you and that he’d be back as soon as he’d helped out in Hawkins High, with a running car it was easier for him to pick up robin and bundle Dustin, Will and Mike in the back of along with all the supplies, it was a squeeze, but not a long drive and with everything that had happened, the kids didn’t mind being on top of each other, breathing, alive. In truth, Steve didn’t want to get out of bed either. His temples ached, his bones felt heavy and the wounds he had were still throbbing, not letting him forget about the events.

He sighed and flopped onto the sofa, leaning his head back hoping to get the knots out of the muscles in his neck, tension. He didn’t want to disturb you in the shower, even though all he wanted to do was bury his face in your hair, your skin, breathe in the only place he felt safe, the only thing that made sense to him. Seeing everyone at Hawkins High, the missing persons post filled with faces he knew, faces he didn’t, the heartbreak of all of Hawkins. All he wanted was you, but instead he just sat there.

You pressed your head against the cool tiles in the bathroom as you turned off the shower, the familiar car engine shutting off in the drive, you knew Steve was back, yet you didn’t think you could see him face to face yet. You breathed out heavily and stepped out of the shower pulling a towel from the back of the door, wrapping it around yourself and another for your hair. Red staining the white cotton as you’d opened old wounds as well as your still bleeding palms that stung. You bent down to get the first aid kit from under the sink as you got to work on your wounds. You at least looked cleaner, your split lip and eyebrow not looking as bad now you’d washed, half of these injuries you didn’t even know when you’d got them, from fighting demobats to being thrown across the floor by Eddie when you tried to help, bruises from being pulled away from your friend as his lifeless body lay motionless, wounds from yourself from hitting the wall in desperation. You looked how you felt. Completely broken. You wrapped bandages around your hands and left it at that. Drying off and throwing oversized clothes on, you reached for the door handle, your hand visibly shaking.

Going back into your room you sighed at the mess. Somewhat thankful that Steve had stayed downstairs. Glass and blood everywhere. You grabbed a dustpan and a brush from a small closet next to the bathroom as well as the small towel you used for your hair, sweeping up the small shards of glass and discarding them in a small bin next to your bed. Wiping the claret up with the small towel and putting that in the bin too. You sat on the end of your bed once again staring at the pictures behind your vanity desk.

“Y/N?” Steve called up the stairs noting that the shower had been turned off for a while, worry lacing his voice. You could hear it.

“Yeah, I’m coming down.” You stood up and dragged yourself to the top of the landing. You could just throw yourself down the stairs and hope for the best. Hope you’d have an ounce of peace from your racing mind, but you couldn’t do that. You couldn’t bring yourself to take yourself over that edge, to make the people that cared about you lose another. You’d all lost too much. Begrudgingly you walked down the stairs, the illuminating light from the sun almost blinding you, you’d been living in darkness for the past few days, being in the Upside Down and then closing all the curtains upstairs as soon as you’d got back home. You’d almost forgotten how bright daylight could be.

Steve was waiting in the kitchen for you, his eyes visibly glowing when you walked into the room, as though you lit up the small space when you stepped in. A smile tugged on your lips that suddenly dropped when you remembered he was looking at Nancy exactly the same not too long ago. The same nagging thoughts you had earlier pulling you back. Knock off version of Nancy. Now that Johnathan was back, of course he came running back to you. Steve looked down to your hands and frowned, he didn’t remember you hurting your hands so much they needed bandaging,

“Sweetheart? What happened?” Steve was by your side in an instant his hands gently over yours as he inspects the bandages,

“I dropped some glass, not a big deal. Just got a little cut up in the process of cleaning it up.” You lied through your teeth, you couldn’t be bothered to talk about Eddie again and how you’d broken the last gift he would ever give to you out of anger. Steve continued to look at your hands, careful not to disturb the bandages around them,

“Do you want me to have a look? I can bandage these a bit better for you, make sure there’s no glass and...” you cut him off with a, ‘I’m fine.’ And pulled your hands away from his warmth, Steve looked a little deflated, but understood. All of you had patched each other up countless times that it was almost routine now, you’d learnt how to stitch wounds, what ointments and antiseptics to use, you basically had a mini pharmacy under your sink for things that people would never believe.

“Honestly, I’m fine Steve.” You forced a smile and went round the Kitchen Island feeling his eyes burning through you. Your house wasn’t the biggest, it was snug. The kitchen was weirdly one of the bigger rooms and probably the nicest, it was one of the only rooms your mum put any effort into before she started gallivanting around the globe. It was bright with several flowers littering the windowsills, yellow lace curtains to match some of the décor. How the flowers hadn’t died yet, you didn’t know. You never watered them.

You and the rest of the group had spent ample time in this kitchen cooking cookies and brownies for movie night, Max and Lucas always managing to burn popcorn, Steve rushing to open windows and flail a tea towel at the fire alarm to stop it beeping whilst Robin was toppling over laughing at Dustin with brownie mix all over his mouth, You’d also spent ample time in here with the older lot of the group, your mum had quite the alcohol stash. Probably enough to open a bar downtown. From several different bottles of vodka, gin, whiskey to wine, beer, cider and god knows what other potent liquid that did the job, which is exactly what you were heading for now.

Steve was slumped against one of the dining chairs as he watched you move around the island, he knew exactly what cabinet you were riffling through, “Ahhh, there it is.” You picked out an unopened bottle of vodka and put it on the side as you went through a different cupboard to pick out a decent glass.

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” Steve sighed as he watched your every move, “I know things aren’t great at the minute, but we really need to pull together.” You opened the vodka and poured a small glass, turning around and leaning against the counter with your ankles crossed, the glass of vodka in your hand. You shrugged and took a gulp, the burning from the alcohol igniting your insides.

“Look, sweetheart, please.” Steve ran a hand through his hair, the lack of product evident, no one ever saw Steve walking around with no product in his hair, probably because without it, it was so fluffy and never sat in the right place according to him, “this isn’t the answer, that isn’t going to help. It’s not going to bring...”

“Shut up!” you screeched, smashing the glass back onto the counter, thankfully not breaking it, “you think I don’t know that, Steve? For goodness sake! How stupid do you think I am?!” Steve is taken aback, he’s over stepped a line and he knows it, “I know it’s not going to bring Eddie back it’s not going to stop what’s going on here,” you look around the room, “it’s not going to stop Max from being in hospital, it’s not going to stop those poor kids dreaming about what happened over and over again, how fucked they’re going to be in years’ time if they even make it that far, from losing countless people and battling these things over and over again, but maybe, just maybe it will stop my racing thoughts, the hurt, the anger, the resentment I have for this stupid fucking town for five goddamn minutes, okay?! everything is falling apart at the seams, we’ve all lost so much, I even thought you were getting cosy with Nancy again!” you bite your tongue getting caught up in the rift, Steve looked towards you bewildered. You turn back to the vodka bottle, filling your glass halfway, drinking it down like water and filling it up again, “I’m not asking you to understand Steve, I’m not even asking you to deal with this, you know where the fucking door is.”

Steve stood up from the table and walked over to you slowly, turning you to face him, moving the hair that had fallen so effortlessly over your features, “I love you Y/N, whatever you thought you saw between me and Nancy was not that. I’m happy for her and Johnathan, really. I’m so glad were now with the right people, the people who ground us and make this stupid crazy life worth living, you’re my muse. I would never do that to you, sweetheart. Not ever,” moving his hands over your covered arms, to your hands, holding them gently in his, “I’m not going anywhere Y/N, just please, I don’t want to lose you too. I can’t.”

You looked Steve dead in the eyes, his glassed over, tears threatening to fall. The beautiful honey eyes you’d got lost in time and time again, “Maybe you already have.” His hands let go of yours as he visibly slumped, and took a step back, you might as well have been holding a gun, a bullet to his chest with the way he was looking at you. Turning your back to him, your own tears threatening to fall, you grabbed the bottle again unscrewing the cap, pouring yourself another glass.

“What do you mean?” Steve is silent again, his presence still behind you, feelings of uncertainty heavy in the air, “Y/N, look at me please...” the defeat in his voice made you feel awful, this was your boyfriend of two years, the person that had stayed by your side that whole time, through everything. The good times and the bad, the way you both laughed, the random dates he took you on, sometimes even after work, some of which ended up being group outings as one of the kids had seen you both and then got on the walkie talkies as quickly as possible, they ended up calling that ‘code blue’ as the first time it happened Steve was in his Scoops Ahoy uniform, the movie nights, the late night talks, walks, your safety net, the countless jokes that weren’t even funny. Helping him with his hair, the days he was sick and you’d take care of him, and the days he would do exactly the same back for you. He never faltered, he was always brave, always stayed strong for you, for everyone, but here he was, seconds away from breaking down. A painful ache in his voice that cut you in half, the same ache breaking the last pieces of your heart that were still intact, you wiped your tears away with the back of your sweater, turning around to see Steve once more, pain drowning his features,

“I’m sorry, Steve. I can’t do this anymore.” he sucked in a shaky breath as a sob broke from his lips. Pain. Pain that you had caused. You finished your glass of vodka, keeping your back to Steve, you couldn’t watch him break, you couldn’t see the sadness and heartache on his face. As if he hadn’t been through enough recently,

“Y/N, please,” his voice was low, strained, as though he was bleeding out on the spot behind you, “don’t do this, we can get through this, we can get through anything, please just don’t...” you turned round to Steve his eyes visibly blood shot probably from tiredness and the tears that were free flowing down his cheeks,

“I’m sorry Steve.” You walked past him, a slight sway to your walk from too much alcohol in a short space of time on an empty stomach as you tackled the stairs, all you wanted to do was sleep, before you even got half way up the stairs you heard the front door close causing you to stop on the spot, your own sobs now tearing way through your body, this pain was tearing you apart, so much loss, but you had caused this last one.

You found yourself sitting on the end of your bed looking at the pictures behind your desk once again, would you ever feel that kind of happiness again or was this the new norm? A burning hole in the middle of your chest that was once whole and pushed together in the shape of the people you loved. All of those memories seemed like a lifetime ago, how time and life could be fleeting, oh how you took it all for granted.

***

Two weeks had passed.

Two long weeks.

Probably the longest two weeks of your life.

In those two weeks you’d had almost everyone knock on your door, mainly Robin and Dustin, “Y/N, open this door right now or I promise you I’ll put a brick through your window and climb in there myself.” Dustin shouted as he looked through the small glass patterns on the front door for signs of movement, “I’m not joking Y/N.” Dustin looked around your drive and picked up half a brick, “ten seconds, Y/N!” finally he saw movement and put the brick down on the grass, you opened the door and huffed,

“Dustin, every day for two weeks, ae you not bored yet?” He pushed you aside gently and kicked his shoes off before throwing himself onto the sofa and turning on the small TV as if he lived there, “and how can I be of assistance today?” you stood in the doorway of the living room, you no longer had the bandages on your hands, the cuts on your hands were hardly visible now, your other physical injuries were also doing much better, some might not even scar, not that you cared about a bit of scarring,

“You look like shit,” Dustin looked back at you and scoffed, he wasn’t wrong, you’d been wearing the same kind of clothes for two weeks, anything you could get your hands on. Mix matched sweats and sweaters, sometimes Steve’s t-shirts, on a very rare occasion you treated yourself by wearing a pair of jeans. Your usual full of life hair was lifeless and scraggly from the lack of brushing, your eyes blood shot from lack of sleep, red lips from gnawing at them constantly,

“Well, love you too, Dustin,” you rolled your eyes and went to the kitchen fetching juice and cookies on a tray, “so what is it today?” Dustin cleared his throat and made his way into the kitchen, taking a few cookies off the tray as he took a seat around the table drinking juice you’d bought specially for him,

“It’s Steve,” your breathing hitched as you looked to the floor, biting at your already raw lips, you pulled a second chair out and sat opposite Dustin, taking your own cookie and nibbling at it. You hadn’t eaten well for two weeks now,

“What about him?” you took a swig of your own juice and sit looking towards your younger friend,

“Don’t give me that, Y/N. I know you still care, Robin tells me things, y’know, and you’re not someone that doesn’t care about people,” Dustin shook his head, “this act is bullshit, Y/N. Steve is over there wondering what he did wrong, what he can do to help you, he’s broken, Y/N and none of us can get through to him, ne needs you and you need him and we need you both. We need our kick ass non babysitters back. We need to stick together. We can’t all break otherwise what do we have?” you bit the inside of your cheek letting Dustin talk, you had been unfair, everything in this world was so wrong and you were breaking the only good thing in it,

“I’m scared, Dusty,” you looked to him and he nodded, not wasting time to eat more cookies, all the kids loved your cookies,

“We all are, Y/N. you know this isn’t over right?” you looked down knowingly and started to play with the patterned table cover, “Steve needs you, I need you, we all need you. You know Eddie wouldn’t want this right?” you breathed deeply at the mention of his name, “you’re the bravest person he knew, he told me, and do you know what else?” you looked up from the table, “he loved you and Steve together, he saw how happy he made you and that’s what he wanted for you. He wanted you to be happy.” You sighed, breath shaky as a tear fell from your lashes onto the tablecloth you were playing with moments before,

“Well he got one thing wrong, he was the bravest.” Dustin put his hand over yours and gave it a light squeeze,

“Please just come and see Steve? Everyone is round there trying to cheer him up and he looks just as shit as you, if not more. If you don’t come with me, the others are going to try one by one, I’m the nicer one.” He stood up from the table, hopeful,

“Dustin I can’t,” disappointment clouded his eyes, “I can’t go over there empty handed, help me make some cookies?” the usual toothy grin from Dustin was back, one you hadn’t seen for a such a long time, one that made your heart swell. You loved those kids so much and you’d do anything to protect them, you felt bad for wallowing in in your own self-pity when everyone you cared about was going through the exact same thing as you. You’d nearly lost the one thing that made sense and you were going to try and not let that slip any further. You and Dustin got to work on the cookies, not failing to get flour all over the surface and yourselves. Once the cookies were in the oven and cooking, you looked over to Dustin, “Keep an eye on the cookies for me? I’m going to try and sort this out a bit,” you pointed to your mop of a hair as he grinned and nodded, picking up his walkie as you left the room,

“Guys, it’s Dustin, over.” He waited for the usual static of the walkie patiently as he pressed more buttons hoping to hear from the others,

“Hearing you loud and clear, Dustin, what’s the status, over.” Mike was on the other end, uncertainty in his voice, but hugged by hope, Will, El and even Lucas in the background hugging over the other walkie talkie hoping for a shred of good news. Max was still in hospital, though in good hands. There was hope that she’d still wake up, she was strong and a fighter. Lucas sat by her bedside every chance he got, but he too needed fresh air sometimes, to see his friends. Being cooped up waiting for someone to wake up wouldn’t do anyone any good if it was constant. Same four walls day in, day out. It took some time for him to realise that however.

“Guys, we have ourselves a code blue. Over.” Dustin chimed excitedly as the rest of the youngsters screamed in joy, they were out of ear shot from Steve and Robin, all around the pool as it was such a lovely day in Hawkins, warm with a light breeze hitting the trees and pool every now and then causing small ripples, birds still chirping. Even amidst all the uncertainty and heartache, life could be beautiful.

You looked into the mirror having put a little bit of makeup on, an extreme rarity for you with everything that had gone on the past few years, you’d finally put a brush through your washed hair and changed into something more you, high waisted jeans, a black t-shirt and a light denim jacket you could take off if you wanted, you felt the warmth through the bathroom window as you looked at yourself in the mirror once more, “presentable.” You could smell cookies downstairs signalling Dustin had kept to his word and kept an eye on then, not letting them burn. You hurried down the stairs with a skip to your step and twirled to Dustin who was standing in the hall with a cookie jar in hand, ready to pack them once they’d cooled a little,

“There’s the Y/N I know! Yes!” Dustin fist bumped the air with his free hand wishing the cookies would cool down faster. You gathered your shoes and a small bag to put your keys and anything else you needed in,

“what if he doesn’t want to see me?,” you stopped in your tracks, looking at Dustin unsure, “what if I’ve hurt him too much and he never wants to see me again?” you play with the hem of your denim jacket, backtracking, wondering if this was a good idea after all,

“you’re the only person he wants to see, Y/N. we just invite ourselves in and he’s too nice to tell us to get out,” you shake your head,

“You know that isn’t true, he loves you guys as much as I do, even if he’s in the worst mood possible, he’d always rather have you guys around, you know that,” Dustin nodded, putting the cooler cookies into the jar sealing them tightly, “did you bike over here?” you questioned as Dustin shook his head,

“I didn’t,” he grinned and dug his hand in his back pocket, pulling Steve’s car keys out and waving them in your face, “he doesn’t know, obviously,” Dustin shrugged as you shook your head and put your head in your hand laughing in disbelief, a real laugh, something you forgot you could do,

“Dustin! You could have caused an accident!” you tried to sound serious over your laughing that just wouldn’t stop,

“well, you don’t see many cars on the road these days after what happened, maybe people are too scared,” he shrugged once more, “not me, now. Let’s gooooo!” Dustin ran for the front door, cookies in hand, and his small backpack you didn’t realise he had draped over a shoulder,

“Ahhh. Not so fast, keys!” you extended your hand to Dustin, Steve absolutely loved that car, sometimes you wondered if he loved that car more than you and okay, Dustin got there safely, but now he was in your care he wouldn’t be driving that thing,

“Spoil sport,” he ginned as he handed you the keys stepping out into the outside. You took a deep breath. The smell of the outside you hadn’t seen in weeks. The light breeze through your hair the sun tingling against your skin, butterflies and birds, nature. Things you hasn’t stopped to look at for such a long time, “earth to Y/N,” you shook your head and walked towards the car, opening it for you both.

 You hadn’t driven in forever, was it something you could forget? Fastening your seatbelt, making sure Dustin did the same, starting the car and opening the windows, you pulled the sun visor down, a small Polaroid falling onto your lap. You turned it around to see a picture of you and Steve, your heart beating against your chest as you ran your finger over the photo. It was the first one you took together, before you were even official. Halloween 1984. That stupid party, the night Steve and Nancy broke up. You found Steve crying on the back step, you spent the rest of the night trying to cheer him up. One too many beers, weed and a stupid camera, “he kept it...” Dustin looked up at you as you put the photo in the dashboard opposite Dustin,

“Of course he did, he keeps everything,” you didn’t know that, you didn’t say anything further as you pulled off the drive, it wasn’t a long drive. It was actually an easy enough walk, you didn’t live far from Steve. The nights he would randomly turn up at your house and throw pebbles at the window even though no one else was in the house, small memories making you smile.

The drive was quiet, Dustin looking out the window the whole way there, your heart still hammering against your chest, would people be happy to see you, would they hate you, would things be the same, what the fuck were you going to say to Steve? Pulling onto his drive, things got too real, you heard laughter from the other younger people of the group outside as you locked up the car, Dustin rushing to the back gate with cookies, though before he could you were tackled by El, Mike, Will and Lucas, “Y/N OH MY GOD YOU’RE HERE!” mike exclaimed as you laughed with the kids, some of them sopping wet from the pool, of course they still loved you, “we all missed you so much, it’s so good to see you” you ruffled everyone’s hair, something you always used to do when they were younger, something you still hadn’t stopped, tears in your eyes, you smiled, for once they weren’t sad tears,

“I’ve missed you all so much, I’m sorry I haven’t been around, I’m sorry I haven’t been stronger for you all.” They all hugged you tighter, understanding, when did they all grow up?

“we all understand,” Lucas looks at you empathetically, “Max would want us all together, so would Eddie,” you hugged them all just that little bit tighter as they lead you into the back gate, not much had changed in Steve’s back yard except the grass was unkempt, the pool still clean somehow, “we will let you talk to Steve now,” you took a deep breath and looked towards the back sliding doors Robin leaning against them smiling as she ran out to hug you,

“Oh praise the heavens you’re here, I cannot deal with him in there for one minute longer,” you looked towards robin apologetically and she shook her head, “none of that, Y/N. Go see him, bring our Steve back, yeah?” she smiled and sat next to the kids, stealing one of the cookies you made.

You made your way into the house, the house that had so many different memories, you kicked your shoes off and put them where you always do before poking your head into the living room, Steve’s back was towards you as he was staring at the TV something you guessed he’d been doing for the past couple weeks, a lot like you really. His hair was too dishevelled and free of product, but oh fuck did he look like home. “If you’re there to try get me outside in the pool again, Robin I swear to fuck I will change the locks on this house.” He signed defeated and tuned round, his pupils dilating, shock on his face, the evident bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, “Y/N?” he scrambled off the sofa as fast as he could, scared you were a figment of his imagination, “is... is it really you? You’re here...” he stood opposite, reaching out to you,

“Steve...” tears welled in your eyes, “I am so, so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you, I didn’t want what I said, I was so lost in my own mind,” he pulled you into a bone crushing hug, “please forgive me, I’m so sorry,” you pulled away to look at him, tears in his own eyes as he brushed your free falling ones away with his thumb, “I love you so much, I was so scared of losing you too that I fucked up and lost you anyway,” he pulled you back into him, the smell of cedar, bergamot and a slight hint of cigarette smoke, home.

“You didn’t lose me, sweetheart. I love you, more than anything,” he pulled you into him, lips crashing together, cola Popsicle and a small hint of your home cooked cookies that Dustin must have been bringing to him secretly. Everyone loved your cookies. He pulled away and smashed his lips against yours again over and over, the taste of salt now from both of your tears, small lazy kisses planted all over your mouth as he pulled away, your lips slightly swollen, his honey eyes full of life once more, he was never going to let you go. He pulled you flush with his body, your head resting against his chest, as he ran his fingers through your hair, “you’re my home, Y/N. Wherever you are. That’s home to me. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, okay?” you kissed him again, your cherry chapstick smearing over both of your mouths,

“you’re my home too, Mr. Steve ‘the hair’ Harrington,” you looked up to him, a smile on your face, no longer crying as you knocked your hip with his. The emptiness in your heart glazing over a little, the pieces of your broken heart slowly reconnecting, the feeling of life, love, family.

“Have you seen my hair right now?” he ran a hair though it, washed, but lifeless. “Give me a minute, yeah? Put a movie on.” He kissed you softly before sprinting out of the room. You sat on the sofa you’d sat on countless times as you went through old rentals that would probably never be returned as the video store was one of the places to be destroyed, you placed a VHS in the TV as Steve bounded down the stairs, his hair no longer lifeless and messy, but perfect. Your smile so big your jaw could dislocate, “better? The hair is back,” he grinned and jumped over you on the sofa, “Return of the Jedi? One of my favourites.” He pulled your legs over his lap, both of you draped over the sofa like nothing had changed, his hands caressing your knee, smiles not leaving either of your faces.

“GUYS, CODE BLUEEEE.” Dustin shouted from behind the sofa as everyone else bundled in, “and look at that, Farrah Fawcett spray,” Dustin grinned,

“That’s top secret, dude!” Steve shook his head, a genuine laugh falling from his mouth as everyone pulled blankets and cushions around themselves, your cookies in hand. A good old fashioned movie night, things were going to be okay, you looked over to Steve, his eyes glistening as he squeezed your leg. The people you chose as family, Robin in the corner of the room beaming for the both of you. Both of her best friends back together, where they belong. There was a long road ahead for all of you, but at least you’d always face these things together. You were all so much stronger together. A team. A family.

[morgana-larkin]

Alright peeps! So I took a look at the poll and saw that most of you wanted the second part of 'Don't Call Me That' the most so here it is! There's everything in this one, heartbreak, angst, smut and fluff. A bit of a rollercoaster so good luck!

On another note: I'm working on part 4 of 'Mine' as that was the second most voted on. I also realise the poll is still open for another 4 hours but idc, you can still vote though!

Part 1

Don't Call Me That - Part 2

Warnings: Smut, angst, lots of fluff (Not in that specific order lol), happy ending

Words: 4.2k

Melissa didn’t get any sleep last night. Everytime she closed her eyes, all she imagined was you kissing her, and nothing was on her mind except the thought of you saying you love her. You still love her, even after her breaking up with you.

Melissa walked into Abbott a little earlier, she needed extra caffeine considering she got 0 hours of sleep last night. She barely survived the day, not only from lack of sleep, but seeing you multiple times, and everytime all she thinks about is your lips on hers.

The next day she barely got any sleep, about 2 hours. The next day was the same. She thought that at least it was Friday and she could sleep in on Saturday. On Friday, everyone can clearly see the bags under her eyes as they’ve darkened over the week, and the way she can barely stay awake. Melissa thinks that it’s good her students have a test to do today and a book report coming up, and a couple other things she can get them to do instead of teaching.

At the end of the day, you go to walk to your car and you pass by Melissa’s classroom and you can see her asleep at her desk. You walk in and you see there’s no one else there, so you walk over to her and shake her a bit. “Melissa?” you say and she groans but doesn’t wake. “Melissa!” You just about yell and she opens her eyes but doesn’t move her head. You kneel down to her level and look at her. “Hey, saw you sleeping, you ok?” you ask her and she looks at you with the saddest eyes you’ve ever seen.

“Am I dreaming?” she asks you and you tilt your head.

“What makes you think you’re dreaming?” you ask her.

“Because you’re here, you wouldn’t talk to me otherwise. If I was awake then you would just avoid me because I’m an idiot.” she says and you look down and sigh.

“Ok, come on. I’ll drive you home and then you can continue dreaming ok?” you tell her and help guide her up from her chair. You take her purse with you and help guide her to your car, as well as buckle herself in as she didn’t have the strength to do it herself. “Why have you been so tired this week?” You ask as you get in the driver’s seat and start the car.

“Because I’m being haunted by my stupidity.” She says and you snort, you then back out of the parking spot and pull out of the parking lot.

“What stupidity have you done?” You ask her.

“Breaking up with my girlfriend, Y/n.” She tells you and you then realise she has no idea where she is and might still think she’s dreaming. You know you probably shouldn’t but this might be your chance to figure out what’s really going on with her.

“Why was that a stupid decision?”

“Because I still love her so much. All I think about when I try to sleep is her kissing me or her saying she loves me. I can’t do this anymore, I need her.” She says and a few tears slip. “I’ve barely slept these past 4 days, I probably got no more than 8 hours of sleep combined. I’ve barely eaten as well. I broke up with her 3 months ago and I was still able to sleep and eat, I don’t know what changed.” She says and you think about it, you should probably help her out.

“Do you feel guilty all of a sudden?” And she lets out an airy laugh.

“I’ve felt guilty ever since I thought I should break up with her?”

“Ok, so not that then. What about the fact that she told you she loves you?” You ask her and she doesn’t say anything. “Maybe you thought her feelings for you would disappear when you broke up with her cause you thought that she would just find someone else?” You tell her and she still doesn’t say anything. You thought maybe she fell asleep so you glance over at her and she’s still awake. “Melissa?” You say and she looks up at you. “Did you really break up with me because you thought I should be with someone else?” You ask her and she sighs.

“Ya.” she says and takes a deep breath. “I was holding you back from everything you’ve wanted so I let you go so I wouldn’t be in the way because I love you and I want you to be happy, even if I had to watch someone else make you happy and give you what you want.” she tells you and her eyes slowly close and she falls asleep.

The rest of the car ride, you think about what she said. You’re honestly surprised by what she said. She thought she was doing something selfless for you, but instead just ended up hurting you both, she never meant to hurt you so much. And now you see the toll it’s taken on her to stick to her decision to try and make you happy. She’s willing to sacrifice her happiness for yours, you never thought anyone would do that for you.

As soon as you pull into her driveway, you gently wake her up. “Come on Melissa, you’re home, we should gotta get you to your bed and you can sleep comfortably, ok?” You tell her and she nods. She unbuckles herself but can’t open the door fully so you do that for her. You unlock her door with her key and you help bring her inside. You set her keys and purse at the door and you close and lock her door while she attempts to take her shoes off. You end up helping her with her shoes when she falls down and you help her back up and to her room. She falls on the bed when you get there and then you tuck her in, you go to leave after but she grabs your arm and you turn to face her.

“Will you stay with me?” She asks softly and you sigh.

“Ok, but only until you fall asleep.” You tell her and she nods. You get on the bed but stay on the covers instead of under and she wraps an arm around you. You admit that you do miss this and you miss her and her craziness. You turn around to face her and she’s still awake and looking at you.

“I do want you back, y/n.” She tells you and strokes your hair.

“What’s stopping you?” You ask her and she yawns and is slowly closing her eyes.

“The fact that you won’t be happy with me.” She says and falls asleep. You stay looking at her stunned and go over everything she’s told you, thinking that you weren’t you or she was dreaming. You then slowly crawl out from her hold on you and you replace it with a pillow so she doesn’t wake up.

A few hours later Melissa wakes up. She opens her eyes and realises she’s in her bed and has no idea what happened this week that well as she’s been so tired that the whole week has been a blur. She looks at her phone and sees that it’s 5:43pm and it’s Friday. She gets out of bed and hears some noises downstairs, she then grabs her bat and carefully goes downstairs. She gets to the middle of the stair when she sees you on the couch watching tv and she tilts her head and stares for a few seconds. She then continues down the stairs and you look over at her and chuckle.

“Were you planning on hitting me with a bat? You were friendlier when you were falling in and out of consciousness.” You tease her and she looks confused. “Do you remember anything from the end of the day to how you got home?” You ask her and she stares at you then shakes her head. “I found you asleep at your desk and then I drove you home. If you want I can drive you to the school parking lot to get your car and then go home.” You tell her, you don’t want to scare her if what she said while on the verge of sleep was true.

“You drove me home?” She tells you and you nod. “W-why?”

“Because I want to make sure you didn’t fall asleep at the wheel or stay at school overnight.” You simply say. “I bet you’re hungry since you also haven’t been eating, so I made you some mac n’ cheese.” You tell her and you go and get it.

“How do you know I haven’t been eating?” She asks when you reappear with a bowl.

“Cause you told me.” You tell her when you hand it to her and sit back on the couch. “Come sit.” You say as you pat the couch cushion.

“I wouldn’t tell anyone that.” She tells you as she obeys and goes to sit beside you on the couch.

“Wow you really don’t remember anything you told me.” You say and she freezes as she was about to take a bite.

“What do you mean?” She asks and takes a bite of the food.

“I mean we had a whole conversation while you kept falling asleep. In your classroom, my car and here, at your house.”

“What did I tell you?” She asks and prepares for the worst.

“Now I don’t want you to get freaked out ok? Cause you had no idea where you were or who I really was.” You tell her and that makes her feel worse.

“Y/n. What did I tell you.”

“You told me that you still love and miss me and you want me back.” You say and her eyes go wide. “You also told me the whole reason you let me go.” You add and she drops her fork. “And why you haven’t been sleeping, and you confessed that you’ve also barely ate in the past 4 days.” You finish and she’s just staring at you. After about 10 seconds she gets up and walks to the kitchen with her mac n’ cheese and you follow after her. She puts the bowl on the counter without much thought and she puts her hands in her hair. “Melissa?” You say to get her attention and she turns around looking scared and concerned. “What’s going on with you?”

“With me? It’s the fact that you weren’t supposed to know anything that I told you.” She tells you and she’s breathing hard like she’s on the verge of either a breakdown or lots of tears.

“Why? Because I’m just supposed to be happy with someone else as you suffer?” You tell her.

“YES!” She shouts and then looks surprised when she catches up with what you told her and what she confessed. “Since I already told you then I might as well say it. All those things that you want, you won’t get with me. But you will with someone else, someone else who wants to get married, have a family with you, wants to go out and be young and stupid with you. I don’t want those things anymore, and yes I do love you very much and do want you back. But I’m willing to put aside my happiness, if it means you get everything you want.” She tells you and you burst into tears, she immediately wraps her arms around you and hugs you. Your knees buckle and she guides you both to the floor gently and she keeps her arms around you the whole time. When you get to the floor, you place your head on her chest and she brings a hand to your head and strokes it soothingly.

You slow your crying down and sniffle a few times before you speak. “I don’t deserve you. You’re willing to give me everything at the expense of your own happiness. I really don’t deserve you.” You tell her.

“No, it’s me who doesn’t deserve you. You have been the bestest friend to me for 2 years before we got together, and after we got together you have shown me the best of love and care that I could ever ask for.” She tells you, and you look up at her and immediately kiss her. She automatically kisses you back before she has time to think. Once her brain catches up to what she’s doing, she doesn’t have the willpower to pull away, she used it all trying to stay away from you. Before she can register what she’s doing, she leans forward, bringing you back until you hit the floor of the kitchen. You make out on the kitchen floor for a good minute until you both pull away for air and you look at each other. Melissa suddenly is aware of what she did and she gets up before you could stop her and she scurries to the living room, you run after her.

“Melissa, would you stop running away from me!” You tell her and she’s turned away from you with her head down.

“You should leave y/n.” Is all she says and you walk up to her and spin her around.

“If you want me to leave then tell me while looking at me.” You say and she raises her eyes to your face and she’s crying.

“I can’t.” She says and you put your hands on her cheeks and wipe the tears away.

“Melissa, I want to be with you. If being with you means that I don’t get married, have kids or go to the bar every now and then with you then so be it. Because I’m only wanting to marry the right person, and that person is you. So if I’m with you or not, I’m not getting married. I don’t need kids to feel fulfilled, or to be able to say I have a family. I mean we can always get a pet like a dog, but you’re all the family I need. And I can go to the bars with my friends and be young and stupid with them from time to time if I really want.” You tell her and she starts crying even more.

“You shouldn’t have to sacrifice everything just to be with me.”

“Melissa, it’s not a sacrifice if what I’m getting is a life with you.” You tell her and you kiss her. Melissa immediately pulls back and looks at you, her hands on your head.

“Are you sure? You have to be 100% sure y/n.” She tells you and you think it over for all of 2 seconds and you nod your head.

“I’m 100% sure, I want to be with you Melissa.” You tell her and she smiles.

“I want to be with you too.” She says and this time she goes to kiss you. The kiss deepens and you start putting your hands all over her and you think you want to touch her skin and she’s wearing too much clothes, so you put your hands under her shirt. Melissa immediately pulls her shirt off so you can touch her and you unclip her bra and take it off. She’s always been the dominant one but at this moment, all you want to do is kiss her all over, so you walk forward until her back hits a wall and you go down to her neck and kiss and suck all over and she’s gasping under you. You then travel down to her chest and leave kisses all over until you attach your mouth to her nipples and start to suck and lick them. 

She’s bucking her hips under you and you know she’s not far away from pulling all her clothes off herself and guiding you inside of her. You’re working on her second nipple when she pushes you off and guides you to your knees. You go immediately into submissive like always and you pull her pants and underwear off. Melissa leans back against the wall and spreads her legs a little further so you can put your mouth there.

You attach your mouth to her clit and she starts bucking her hips right away and you pin her to the wall. Her hands go to your hair and she’s gasping and moaning at your touch. “Oh god, Y/n, that feels so good baby.” She says and when you know she’s getting close, you pull away and stand up. You push your body into hers and immediately insert two fingers in her and put your thumb on her clit. “God Y/N, I missed you so much.” She says and kisses you. She’s so close as she starts shaking but she doesn’t pull away from your lips like she usually does, you aren’t complaining though, you missed her as well and you’re enjoying kissing her again.

She comes not long after she starts shaking but you don’t stop, you keep fingering her and circling her clit and she lets out a high pitched gasp. “Oh god baby, yes, omg, don’t stop.” She says as she pulls away from your lips and gives into the over sensitivity.

She comes again not too long after the first and then you withdraw your fingers and put them in your mouth to lick them. She looks at you as you lick your fingers and you moan and that’s when she takes action. She picks you up and brings you to the couch, you’re so glad that she decided to remove the plastic as this wouldn’t be comfortable. She put you so you’re sitting in the middle with your back resting on the back of the couch. She starts kissing and sucking your neck and pulls your shirt off. She unclips your bra and yanks it off  right after then immediately brings her mouth to a nipple. You’re moaning and gasping under her and she smiles as she’s so happy that she’s back with you, she’s fully aware of how lucky she is right now and she won’t take it for granted. She takes more time on your nipples then she usually does and your patience is running thin as you’re dripping wet and you have a strong ache between your legs. 

“Melissa, please, I need you inside of me, please.” You tell her and she pulls back from your chest and smiles at you. She gives a quick kiss on your lips then leaves a trail of kisses from your chest all the way to the top of your pants. She quickly removes your pants and underwear, spreads your legs, leaves a few kisses on each thigh and then attaches her mouth to your entrance. You gasp as soon as her hot wet tongue is where you need her the most and she starts moving her tongue all over your entrance before entering her tongue in you. You moan as she starts sliding her tongue in and out of you and you're holding onto her hair for dear life. You start grinding into her mouth to try and get more friction so you can come and for once she lets you keep doing it, normally she would pin you down when you start grinding. Even in the middle of amazing pleasure, that fact is not lost on you, you notice it immediately then start to think of everything else she’s done differently. 

She kept kissing you when she was about to come and even when she came, when she usually pulls away as you love to hear her when she comes. She let you keep fingering her after she came and it seemed like she needed it as well, she only lets you make her come once as she usually ends up grinding your thigh when fingering you as she loves to watch you and it turns her on. She spent more time on your nipples then she usually does, to the point that you begged her to continue, and now letting you grind against her mouth. You put it all together and came to the conclusion, she’s letting you do whatever you want and making sure you feel good as she feels guilty. You reluctantly pull her mouth away and she looks at you confused,

“What is it baby?” She asks and her lips and chin is covered in your juices.

“Stop doing things differently, you don’t have to feel guilty ok. I feel really special about why you did what you did. No one has ever been willing to sacrifice their own happiness for mine.” You tell her and she smiles shyly.

“Of course, I’d do anything for you.” She tells you and you lean in closer to her.

“Then stop fucking me differently and start being yourself again.” You tell her and something flickers in her eyes before she pushes your head back to lean on the back of the couch then dives down to your clit and starts licking and sucking on it. Your fingers are still in her hair and you start grinding against her again, but this time she does pin your hips down. Then she does something she’s never done before, she snakes her hands around your hips and hooks her hands on your ass then pulls you up a bit and that gives her a perfect angle with your clit and you gasp her name out as you come.

She then immediately comes up and positions herself so her clit is on your thigh and she slides a finger in you and you moan as she starts sliding it in and out of you slowly. She then adds two more fingers and starts going faster while her thumb is on your clit and she brings her mouth near your ear.

“Unfortunately the strap is upstairs and I don’t have the patience to go get it, so we’ll have to make do with my fingers.” she says then adds a fourth and you cry out.

“OH MY GOD!!” You cry out as she fills you up with her fingers then her mouth goes to your neck and so much pleasure is coursing through you right now and you feel like moving but her grinding on your thigh is preventing you from doing that. So you do something else that will help stabilise you, you put your hands on her boobs and squeeze them. You don’t feel like that’s enough so you wrap an arm around her back and pull her into you more.

“Ooo” She says as she’s caught off guard by your actions. You come again about 5 seconds later and she doesn’t stop, she just keeps going until you come again and again and then you pull her away.

“Melissa, I can’t take anymore.” You tell her and she nods and gently pulls each finger out at a time. 

“Sorry I got lost in the moment.” She tells you and you smile but your body is shaking from the amount of times you came. She notices and then goes to your side and brings you both to lay down while she cuddles you to give your body the chance to calm down. You turn around in her arms then nuzzle your head on her neck and chest and she holds you tighter. “It’s ok baby, I got you, and I don’t plan on going anywhere again.” She tells you and you only nod as you’re falling asleep. She notices that you fell asleep and she gently strokes your hair. “I promise I won’t leave you again.” She whispers to you. “I won’t make that mistake again.” She says and presses a kiss to your forehead.

*3 years later*

You and Melissa are both standing in front of the house as you unlock it then Melissa grabs your waist before you walk in and she pushes the door open.

“What are you doing Mel?” You ask her as you’re smiling at her and she smiles at you.

“Well shouldn’t I carry my bride across the threshold?” She asks you and then picks you up bridal style and you let out a small squeal and then she carries you inside then gently puts you down. She wraps her arms around your waist and you lean into her touch and she puts lays her chin on your shoulder. You both then hold out your left hands and smile at the ring on both your third finger.

Melissa kisses your neck and then your puppy comes running in and Kristen Marie running after her. You and Melissa decided to adopt a little puppy a few months ago and you both are really happy with your lives now. Melissa re-thought her decision about getting married and proposed to you a year and a half ago, much to your surprise. Then you both agreed on adopting a dog and Melissa named her Bella. Kristen Marie takes Bella out one more time before leaving her with you guys. 

“Are you still alright with the fact that we got married?” You ask her.

“Oh, it’s more than alright baby. Cause I got to marry you, my happily ever after.” She tells you and you both kiss.

Taglist: @esposadejoyhuerta

@imaginesmultifandoms

@idonothingalldays-blog

@sexysapphicshopowner

@dvrkhcld

@lilfartbox1

@ricejucie

@unicorniusfallapatorius

Let me know if you want to be added!

[piratefalls]

“You are", he says, "the absolute worst idea I've ever had.” - me @ ao3 after watching the movie and thinking "there's probably fic for this."

i like lists. i've lost sleep reading fic like it's gonna disappear the second i look away. i'm making my problem yours. i'm sure a lot of these won't be new to people since they pre-date the movie and it's far from comprehensive but. i'm late to this party. i also can't make gifs, so enjoy the basic canva header.

(baby) don't make me spell it out by extasiswings

One night near the end of first semester 1L finals, just a few weeks before the two-year anniversary of their first kiss, Alex finds himself looking up from his desk with its messy piles of color-coded notes and tabbed textbooks to see Henry asleep on the couch, clearly having dozed off waiting for him to come to bed, and unbidden he thinks, God, I’m going to marry this man. It startles him, the spike of adrenaline that floods through him waking him up and bringing the parts of his brain turning over concepts like proximate cause and strict liability to a standstill as he stares at Henry. I want to marry this man.

God Save the Blessed American President Mom by zipadeea

["June stopped by at lunch; she showed me a delightful channel called Hallmark, which repeats the same story every hour after they swap one round of white, straight, small-town conventionally beautiful actors for another. It was entertaining.” “June and I used to play a drinking game with those. Take a shot every time someone goes ice skating, sledding, or leaves the big city for their tiny hometown.” “Good lord, you must’ve been sloshed in the first ten minutes.”] -- On December 4, 2021, an attempt is made on President Ellen Claremont's life. Alex gets shot instead.

Familiar Gravity by cmere

“Yeah,” Alex breathes, and he pulls back to look Henry in the eyes. “I’ve been fantasizing about you fucking me in this chair for, like, weeks. Every time you sit down here with your stupid book.”   Henry likes it when Alex speaks Spanish and Alex has a request.

Am I the Asshole? by everwitch

AITA for spending Valentine’s Day with my roommate instead of my boyfriend? It’s well past midnight on a Saturday and hardly the first time Alex has scrolled aimlessly on his phone instead of trying to sleep, but it’s definitely the first goddamn time Alex has discovered his roommate has made a lengthy post about last night’s curry debacle to r/AmItheAsshole — a post that’s apparently gone fucking viral. -- In which Alex and Henry are college roommates, and a few thousand strangers think they should fuck.

Everybody needs good neighbours by railmedaddy

To nora(9.37pm): So a funny thing happened My hot neighbour brought me the mcflurry i ordered and we fucked From nora (9.38pm): WHAT DETAILS NOW Which neighbour? Wait, you only have one hot neighbour. Alex, did you fuck a guy?!?!?! ALEX Or Alex meets a hot new neighbour. Shenanigans ensue.

A Picture on Your Corkboard by bleedingballroomfloor

It happens on a random morning in May when Alex, age fourteen, pads into the kitchen to greet his mother and steal a waffle from June's plate and sees a man sitting at their breakfast counter, reading a newspaper, a cup of coffee raised to his lips. Like he belongs. Like it's the most natural thing in the world. June doesn't seem to give the man a second thought. She merely flicks Alex on the forehead and takes back the waffle. Ellen isn't worrying, either. In fact, she's talking to him. Asking what his schedule is like. Making plans for dinner. Alex has never seen this man before in his life.

this is the worthwhile fight by dearhappy

It's not that Henry's scared of their future, he's never been more sure of anything in his life. The thing is they're still trying to figure out how that future is going to look. And he worries about how it'll affect Alex's career in politics.

Déjame Ver Cómo Es Que Floreces by 14carrotgold

Oscar gets in close and bluntly asks, “Earlier. In the bathroom. Did you do it?” Alex scoffs, “No. Don't be a perv. Why would you wanna know that anyway?” Oscar rolls his eyes. “Mind out of the gutter, chamaco. Did you propose?” Ah.  - Henry is introduced to the extended Diaz side of the family at their matriarch's birthday. Shenanigans (and romance and feelings) ensue.

Please Don't Let Me Be So Understood by chamel

“I’m glad you both see it that way,” Dr. Chen says. Then she closes her notebook and folds her hands on top of it. “I think I’m starting to get a sense of where the issues lie. The good news is that you’re both here, and you’re both willing to work on this relationship. That’s promising. Not all of the couples I see are even at that point.” “Sorry, what?” Henry says, voicing Alex’s stuttering thoughts as well. (After one too many fights at work, Henry and Alex are assigned mandatory reconciliation therapy by their boss. Except the therapist thinks they're there for couples therapy... and surely, a bet on who will break first makes more sense than actually correcting her, right?)

Such a Burden, This Flame on My Chest by allmylovesatonce

Alex Claremont-Diaz is relocating back to Austin to join his dad's firehouse. His days as a firefighter in Washington D.C. ended badly, but no one knows that, or knows why. And he plans to keep that close to his chest. He has to shove it back down if he wants to seem like a normal person, if he wants to do the job, if he wants to get along with his new crew, and most of all, if he wants to get to know the hot British firefighter on the squad. No one can know what really happened.

thinking (about last night) by rhosyn_du

“I hope you know that I am literally never going to stop reminding you that you said that. I’m going to, like, take out an ad in the student paper. Maybe hire a skywriter or something. I am definitely telling Pez." "I hate you," Henry tells him. "Lies," Alex says, still laughing. "You know you love me." Henry lets out a heavy sigh. "Well," he says softly, "that's rather the problem, isn't it?" “What, you think we’d be better off if we still hated each other?” “I think," Henry says slowly, "I’d be better off if I could figure out how to stop being so stupidly in love with you.” It takes a few seconds for the words to really register, as distracted as Alex is by the heat of Henry’s breath and wondering how much it would cost to actually hire a skywriter. Once they do, it takes a full minute before Alex can move. Can breathe. Can think. Finally, he forces out a whispered, “What?” When that gets no response, he tries again. This time, his voice actually cooperates. “Wait, what?” The only response he gets is a soft snore and Alex realizes that Henry, the utter fucking asshole, has passed out on his shoulder.

you're the reason i let myself fall by perfect-porcelain (tedddylupin)

Alex doesn't quite know what to expect when he walks into a room with a glowing screen separating him from the person in the other pod. The entire experience makes him skeptical. How can you fall in love with someone you've never met? Or: Love is Blind AU

Sharper Head, Wilder Heart by Dawg1515

"This could work out,” Henry offers. “It could,” Alex replies. “That’s good, then. Someone’s going to have to walk me through the brilliance of Empire Strikes Back, after all.” “Sweetheart, if we’re legitimately dating now, I’m forcing you to watch every movie that has Harrison Ford in it.” “Duly noted.” Or: When the Queen decides it’s time for Henry to settle down with a woman, she arranges a courtship between him and Alex Claremont-Diaz, closeted political powerhouse. Alex secretly tells Henry he’s trans, and Henry tells Alex that he’s gay. To say they become an amazing couple would be an understatement—but nothing is ever that easy for a prince and a president’s son.

every version of you (i love) by coffeecatsme

“So,” the voice narrates as the man squishes the dog’s cheeks and laughs at himself. “There’s this guy that lives next to me with the cutest beagle in the world and this little guy climbs to the fence every day to drop his toys off at, like, 5:30 on the dot, I’m not kidding.” The camera shows the man boop the dog’s nose and press a little kiss to his forehead. There’s a ball in his hands that he hands to the dog, but it slips from his mouth all over again, making the man reach down to grab it. He glares at the dog, but even then he’s still smiling. “And this guy always walks by and picks up the stuff and it’s the cutest fucking thing ever you have no idea.” The camera zooms in farther into the man’s smile, genuine and wild, as he pushes his wild curls away from his face. His eyes flicker up when another figure walks into the frame, his blonde hair falling over his forehead in waves. The man’s smile, impossibly, widens. “Oh. I’m also pretty sure he has a crush on my neighbor.” Or, 5 times David greets Alex with something that belongs to Henry, and 1 time he greets Alex with something that belongs to both of them.

The Duke Who Loved Me by annesbonny, Inareskai, schmulte

This Author knows as well as anyone how much you, gentle readers, enjoy a scandal and a love story. And what could bring more delight that two young gentlemen who bring both of those wherever they go? Join the Duke of Mountchristen and the, untitled, Mr Claremont-Diaz as they attempt to find a Love Match amongst the gossip of the ton.

The Edge of Glory by politics_and_prose

Subject: CD-10 To: Alex Claremont-Diaz (acd@cdlaw.com) From: Natasha Wallace (nwallace@txdems.com) Alex - You know how you jokingly told me to let you know when Mayfield was vulnerable and/or not seeking re-election? Tash

lying in the low light by smc_27

The thing about having a one night stand with the guy your sister is close friends with and gatekept from you is that it becomes really fucking important that she never knows. Or, Alex and Henry have a one year stand. Or, Alex and Henry are in a relationship, only they’re the only ones who don’t know it.

what we might do (if we stop keeping a secret) by indomitablelove

'This isn't how I wanted to tell people. I thought we'd get the chance to do it right.' - Red, White and Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston, p.327 --- or, in another world, Alex and Henry get to do it right.

Who Could Love You The Same as I by MariaDmitrievnaLikesSundays

Inside was exactly what Alex had found himself dreaming about ever since that night at Kensington. The kind of dreams that he forced himself to forget once he woke up, but dreams all the same. A gold band, simple and smooth, with a single square diamond embedded on top. It was small, modest, exactly to Alex’s taste. ”Holy shit,” he said again. “Holy shit.” That was a ring. That was, unmistakably, an engagement ring. Hidden in his boyfriend’s coat. And he had just found it.

—— Or, Alex finds the engagement ring that Henry had hidden, and does exactly what you’d expect him to.

As the World Falls Down by 3bowtruckles

So while we all knew that the 2020 written in the book would be glorious fiction, we didn’t realize that reality would throw us something to take 2020 even further away from the book’s events. This story is where I attempt to merge our 2020 reality and the fiction of RWRB, using research (a LOT of research) to try to figure out what the trajectory of reality might have been. The story starts picking up the timeline after their late-February trip to Paris. After that, it's strictly AU, but I try to keep a lot of the intents of the events in the book (for instance, Alex's trip to confront Henry in Britain after the lake) while still making them fit the narrative I've created.

We'll Change the World Yet to our Dessire [sic] by cresswells

Alex and Henry are engaged and ready to share their announcement with the world, but after the media circus surrounding their forced outing Queen Mary wants them to do things properly this time. To Alex’s surprise, ‘properly’ apparently means taking a Royal Tour around Europe as an official couple. Ten days, five countries and lots of unnecessary wardrobe changes. What could possibly go wrong?

where clouds look like mountains by weather_stained

Four months after the election, while still learning to navigate the complexities of being in a public relationship, Alex finally has the chance to show Henry around Austin.

We'll Invite Something In by smc_27

Alex is grinning a little too hard.  This is absolutely idiotic and pointless and fun.  The cover of Hello UK with a photo of him pulled out and a photo of His Royal Highness Prince Henry Fox-Mountchristen whatever the hell the rest of his names are (Alex knows; he being a dick) with the admittedly stupid but flattering headline which reads: His Royal Highness: He’s just like us and crushes on Pres ACD.

Henry's Cold, Empty Tower by DracoWillHearAboutThis

“I want you,” Henry said, slowly but clearly, “to leave.” When Alex storms Kensington Palace, Henry sends him away. Then, their relationship gets leaked, and it's Henry's turn to fight for Alex.

behind the diamond-shaped glass by Celaestis

Five times Alex and Henry used tea and biscuits to communicate, and one time they don't need to.

The Byline by rosetintednerdglasses

Press Secretary Alex Claremont-Diaz serves at the pleasure of the President, and he does it excellently until a new White House correspondent darkens his press room: Henry Fox, The Guardian.

we've been here forever (here's the frozen proof) by r_holland

Objectively, I am aware that you – a stranger – cannot tell me my own sexuality any better than I can, however... Can you, please? Tell me? It’s 4am and I have been thinking about this for hours, and I can’t sleep. Warmest regards, ACD *** It’s four in the morning, and Alex Claremont-Diaz has managed to follow a research spiral straight down into a personal crisis. It isn’t the first time.

words on the tip of your tongue (but please don't say them) by viciouslyqueer

So close. He was so close to saying those words that have lived inside him for so long, and now it's gone, a moment that slipped right between his fingertips before he could grasp it. Now he’s floating in the middle of the lake alone, the ghost of Henry’s touch still lingering on his skin and an unknown, heartbreaking feeling in his chest. — Or: canon-divergence where Henry doesn't leave the lake house.

The Grand Tour by lucky (revolutionbarbie)

When Henry returned from an audience with Queen Mary looking stony faced and grim, Alex had immediately feared the worst. She had requested to see Henry – and Henry alone – the moment their plane had landed at Heathrow on a visit to Pez’s new shelter in London.  Alex had suggested that they go to see her together just to spite the old hag, but Henry wanted to keep the peace. Since moving to Brooklyn, they had entered into an uncomfortable détente with Queen Mary and Henry was loathe to be the one to break it.  “She wants us to go to Australia. It would be an unofficial Royal Tour, of sorts, with stops in several cities and a short visit to New Zealand. Three and a half weeks in total.”  “She wants to send us on an all-expenses paid Australian getaway? Count me in.”

come and get me by rizcriz

The email arrives 8 days after Henry left the lake house. He contemplates deleting it without reading, but it sits in his Alex inbox, where there are over seventy emails favourited, and somehow it feels wrong and weirdly impersonal. As if leaving without a note were any different. He stares at the from line with an aching longing that seeps into his veins. It settles on his heart like a tangible thing; something warranted and cruel that casts shackles around the aorta and locks them tight so that he might never love again. -- or, alex sends an email instead of flying to KP.

Never Did Run Smooth by clottedcreamfudge

"You and me? Best friends. Stellar. Love that for us. But we could absolutely fake being in love. Dating. Whatever. I know literally everything about you—" (No you don't, Henry thinks firmly) "—and you know everything about me. We would absolutely fucking annihilate the other contestants.” "You're too drunk to apply," Henry points out, like he himself isn't about as wasted as it's possible for him to be without curling up and going immediately to sleep. "I doubt you could spell your own name right on the application. Or mine." Alex grins and pulls something up on his phone; it looks like it takes him a few tries. "Wanna fucking bet?" *** Or: Henry's life is a comedy of errors; a patchwork of oopsie-daisies; a quilt stitched together with hauntingly terrible mistakes. And at the centre of it all is his best friend, Alex Claremont-Diaz; director of said comedy, threading together his oopsie-daisies into a flower crown, rolling around in the quilt of his own making, and this analogy is going to shit because Henry's so in love with him he wants to die.

idk I'll do a part two if anyone wants.

[butdaddyilovehim-hs]

Tolerate It II

"What would you do if I break free and leave us in ruins?"

Read Part I here

Quite frankly, Harry isn’t sure how much longer he can take this. He listens to Y/N’s request for space for all of 4 days.

On Sunday, Harry finds the whiskey he put away when Elle was born. He finishes the bottle. 

On Monday, he works himself into a frenzy looking at pictures of Y/N at their wedding. The smile on her face sends him spiralling as he realises he hasn’t seen her smile like that in a while. 

On Tuesday, Anne calls him and boy does she let him have it. She doesn’t yell but she knocks some sense into him and Harry’s heart breaks. She tells him Y/N has barely said two words since she arrived and if he doesn’t act soon, he’s going to lose the two things that are supposed to be most important to him.

So he breaks out his rock records, blasting the music as loud as he can to drown out the screaming voices in his head telling him that he’s lost his wife forever. Oh and he also drinks himself into oblivion. Again.

On Wednesday afternoon he’s hungover and slightly delirious. And so naturally, he texts her. 

Harry: Y/N I’m so sorry my love. I hope you and Elle are ok at mum’s. She told me you were there. I know you might not be ready but I’m here when you want to talk. I’ll be home for the rest of the week love. Come over when you’re ready. 

He waits by the phone like a lovesick teenager for 20 minutes, almost falling off the bed when the status of the text changes from delivered to read. He waits for another 20 minutes willing for the three dots to appear and when they don’t, he turns the music back on, quieter this time, ignores the pounding in his head and closes his eyes. 

He sleeps the rest of the day away, waking around noon on Thursday, his heart jumping out of his chest when he sees a new message notification. He sighs dejectedly when he realises it’s not Y/N, his eyes widening as he realises the text is from Kendall.

Kendall: We need to talk H. I’m so sorry about the articles. I’m on my way over, hope you’re home.

Harry rubs his faces tiredly before forcing himself out of bed. Kendall is the last person he wants to see right now but he knows there isn’t any point in telling her not to come if she’s on her way. 

So he cleans (barely), shaves and showers, in an effort to make it seem like he hasn’t been living on his couch and off takeout for the past few days.

There’s a knock at the door and Harry drags his feet over to the front door. 

“Hi…” The woman at the door speaks in an almost whisper, timidly shifting from foot to foot. 

Harry thinks his mind is playing a sick joke on him. 4 days of drinking his life away and he’s suddenly seeing visions. But the woman in front of him doesn’t seem to disappear no matter how many times he blinks and so he comes to the conclusion that she must be real.

“Y/N? I... What are you doing here?” Is all he can think to say. As soon as the words are out of his mouth he regrets them. He winces as his wife’s face contorts into a look of hurt and slight annoyance. 

“What am I doing here? In my house? Good god Harry I left for space, I didn’t move out. Can I come in or are we going to keep having this conversation in the doorway?”

“I didn’t mean- Of course come in love. I just didn’t expect to see you so soon.” He steps aside to let her through and follows her as she walks to the couch and takes a seat. He sits beside her and the silence is loud.

“So…” Y/N begins, shooting a tentative look at Harry who’s looking at her intently. 

“How’s Elle? I miss my little bug. I’ve missed you both.” 

“She’s good. Loved the extra grandma time the last few days. I’ve missed you too H. But we need to figure this out before we keep going. I don’t know how many more chances I can give, I don’t know how many nights I can stay up waiting, hoping for you to call. I shouldn’t have to hope you’ll call, you’re my husband you should want to call.” Y/N sighs, wiping her hand over her face quickly to stop the tears from falling. Harry intertwines their fingers squeezing her hand in his. He does it twice more and Y/N gives him a watery smile. It was something they used to do when they were first married; whenever they were in public they would squeeze each others hands three times.

 I. Love. You. 

He lifts her hand to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to it. 

“Y/N, I fucked up. Multiple times. I haven’t been there for you and I wish I could tell you that it’s simply because work was mental but I was overwhelmed and so I looked for distractions. It’s no excuse I know that. But I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone and sometimes I wish I didn’t love you so much because I need you like oxygen. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’ve been an idiot to take you for granted. I’m going to be home by 5 every day from now on I promise. We’re going to have dinner together every night. We’re going to get a nanny so that you and I can go on dates like we used to. I’m going to-“

“Slow down cowboy.” Y/N grins. A bright smile that reaches all the way to her eyes. 

“We’re going to be ok?” It’s supposed to be a statement but it sounds more like a question when it comes out of Y/N’s mouth. 

“We’re going to be ok.” Harry affirms. He leans in to kiss her, pulling back at the sound of the door opening.

“Harry? You home? The door was unlocked so I just came in. Oh! Y/N, hi.” Kendall’s stilettos click against the wooden floor as she walks into the living room, taking in the couple sitting on the couch. 

“I just wanted to come by to-”

Y/N cuts her off. 

“Did you invite her over here Harry? Is that why you were so surprised when I got here? For fucks sakes.” She looks heartbroken. 

Harry is silent. It isn’t what it looks like. He knows that, Kendall knows that. Y/N… doesn’t know that. It seems he’s silent for too long because Y/N is suddenly standing and grabbing her bag off the coffee table. 

“Kendall, get out. Y/N let me explain. Please love, after all we talked about you have to know I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Kendall leaves, muttering a plethora of apologies as Y/N stares at him with red rimmed eyes, her bag gripped tightly in her hand as though she’s planning her escape.

“Two minutes Harry. You’ve got two minutes to explain yourself before I walk out this door and this time I won’t be coming back.”

Read Part III here

A/N: Thoughts?! All your comments and reblogs are appreciated I love youuuuu ✨🫶

Tags: @lukesaprince @harryspirate @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @lilyrmason12 @styleslover-1994 @stylesfever @kathb59 @indierockgirrl @bxbyysstuff @gills-lounge @lomlhstyles @opheliaofficial07 @behindmygreyeyes @gem1712 @stylesmoonlight12 @babyiamperfectforyou @harrysrockstarsgf

[jpmarvel90]

PR Relationship

Masterlist Scarlett Masterlist

Word Count: 3110

Relationship: Scarlett x Singer Reader

Summary: Y/n and Scarlett are in love with each other and have a secret relationship that only a select few know about. Things change when Y/n finds out that Scarlett may have her eyes on someone else.

(I do not own the rights to the lyrics, I just think this sounds fits the story perfectly. It’s Secret Love Song by Little Mix.)

Y/N’s POV:

For the last 3 months, I have been dating the beautiful Scarlett Johansson. However, as she hasn’t come out yet, it was a complete secret with only Lizzie Olsen knowing the truth. At first it didn’t bother me at all. It was exciting. The sneaking around was fun and trying to sneak dates and kisses without being caught was exhilarating. But the last couple of weeks have started to get tiring. If ever I stay over, she’s kicking me out at like 5am so I don’t get caught by the paps, we never travel anywhere together and I’ve lost count of the amount of times she’s totally changed her demeanour around me because someone has walked by us.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand that Scarlett is scared of coming out. I’ve already done that and it wasn’t easy. I would never push her to do anything she’s uncomfortable with. But it’s starting to hurt, it feels more like she’s hiding me rather than protecting herself. Thing is, I love her and I’m willing to wait for her. Which is the problem, I’m scared this might break me.

So here I am, 4:30 in the morning tiptoeing around her bedroom getting ready to sneak out. I don’t want to wake her, she’s been so busy at work she deserves a good rest. I throw on some sweatpants and a hoody whilst picking up my underwear from the floor after last night’s activities. I leave a gentle kiss on Scarlett’s forehead before slipping out of the house, unheard, into the early morning.

As I’m sat in my car I can feel the exhaustion seeping through my body. I had been spending most nights at Scar’s which meant I was only getting a few hours sleep and it was starting to catch up with me. I’ve got to be at the studio at 8am so I decide there is no point in heading home. Instead I make my way to the beach to watch the sunrise and go for a swim. There’s no better way to start my day. Well other than getting to sleep in my girlfriends arms past 5!

I get to the studio early and I start having all of these thoughts in my head which I start to collate and write down. Lyrics forming as I write. I’ve not felt this inspired for a long time

We keep behind closed doors

Every time I see you, I die a little more

Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls

It'll never be enough

It’s not until I start to pull the lyrics together that I realise how much this whole situation is hurting me. By the end of the day it’s all starting to come together, the quickest that I have ever written a song. My team love it and are already planning for me to sing it on Jimmy Kimmel. I push back though. It’s not fair to Scarlett to hear about my feelings through an interview. But writing the song has helped, I’m feeling better already.

As I get into the car I check my phone. I’ve not spoken with Scarlett all day. That’s not unusual as for us though. But a smile forms on my face when I see a message from her.

Scarlett:

Hey Babe, thanks for this morning. I really needed that sleep. I know you’re in the studio all day so can’t talk. I’m working late but perhaps you could come over tomorrow? Love you xx

Me:

Hey Scar, no problem, you need your sleep! Tomorrow would be great. Love you too xx

The next evening I’m sat on the sofa in Scarlett’s living room her legs draped over mine as we watch TV. She has her laptop resting on her legs finishing up the last bit of work before she’s done for the day. I’m just sat scrolling through my phone when I seeing articles popping up about Scarlett and her new partner. We’d been so careful to not been seen together in more than a friendly capacity. In fact, by the way we act in public you wouldn’t think we were that close as friends.

But then my heart stops, the articles aren’t referring to me but Chris Evans. What the fuck?! I can feel my heart beating faster like it’s going to beat out of my chest. Then I click on one article, “Co-Stars Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans spotting kissing on a dinner date.” A photo accompanying it. That was yesterday! I sit up with a jolt feeling like I was going to be sick. My God she’s cheating on me and she’s not even trying to hide it!

“Hey what’s wrong Babe, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Scarlett says concerned looking over her laptop to me. I try to speak but I can’t form words. I can see her starting to get worried as she puts her laptop down on the table and goes to put her arm on my back. I’m quick to pull away and just throw my phone in her direction. She looks at the screen and her eyes grow wide.

“Y/N this isn’t what it looks like, I swear. Please..” Running my hands through my hair I stand up not even able to sit next to her. “I mean it looks like you’ve got your tongue down Evans’ throat. Not sure what else it could look like Scarlett!” I say coldly trying so hard not to yell. “Is this why you hid me? Not wanting anyone to know. Am I the dirty little secret to keep until you have Evans?” Pacing round the room I can feel my chest get tighter and my breathing becoming erratic.

“NO! I’m not cheating on you Y/N, I love you!” “THEN WHAT IS THIS!” So much for not shouting. I can feel my heart breaking in two. “Please just let me explain. With the new Avengers movie coming out our teams thought it would be good PR if we got some rumours going about being in a relationship. We had lunch and dinner dates here and there making sure to look like a couple for the paparazzi. I promise you Y/N there is nothing going on.”

I immediately stop my pacing, turning to her in disbelief. “So you can’t tell anyone about me, but you’re happy to go along with a fake relationship for you movie. Great, good to know where I sit in your priorities. Did you even consider telling me, it’s weird but I would have understood? Instead I find out by finding a picture of you kissing!” I can’t stop the tears anymore, but I won’t let her see me sob.

“Y/N please…” Scarlett grabs my hands trying to get me to look at her. “I-I can’t do this anymore.” I whisper pulling my hands away. “Wait, what do you mean? Y/N?” she says in a scared tone. “I’ve spent the last 3 months doing everything you ever asked. I never pushed for you to do anything you were uncomfortable with, even if it was at a detriment to me. I was waiting for you to be happy in yourself that you could share us with the world. I have always put your first. I knew this could break me and it has. I need to put myself first this time as it’s evident you won’t.” Turning my back on her I grab my things and walk towards her door.

I can hear her running up behind me and she grabs my shoulders spinning me around. “No, you can’t go. I’m so sorry Y/N, I love you, please you can’t leave me. Don’t go we can work this out.” Looking in her eyes I can see the pain. Her cheeks are stained with tears. “We don’t need to work anything out Scar, you do. I just hope you find happiness one day without having to hide yourself way.” With that I walk out, my heart tearing from my chest. A part of me just wishing that one day she might be ready for this relationship as a whole.

Scarlett’s POV:

I had really fucked this up. I hadn’t slept for days and had shut myself away, calling in sick to work to avoid seeing anyone. I had never felt pain like this. Y/N was my world. I love her with all my heart. I had always intended to tell the everyone but it just felt too hard and she was so great at giving me time. But this PR relationship with Chris was by far the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. This isn’t me, I don’t intentionally hurt people but it feels like I did with Y/N.

Whilst in my cave of self-pity and depression I hear banging on the door. Dragging myself up I find an angry Lizzie stood there with her Wanda head tilt. Shit that’s terrifying! “What the fuck Scar?!” She huffs pushing herself into my house. “Well hello to you too Lizzie” I half chuckle. “You broke her when all she has ever done is put your first. I warned you that you needed to be honest with yourself or you’ll lose her.” She’s angry but her tone softens when she sees the state I’m in. “Geeze Scar when was the last time you slept?” She said pulling me in for a hug. “I can’t sleep without her.” I whisper tears starting to form in my eyes.

We move to the sofa and she takes my hands in hers. “From what I hear, Y/N didn’t get much sleep with you. Staying up til God knows when with you then being kicked out at 5am. Did you not notice how tired she’d been?” I just shake my head in shame. “I’ve screwed up Lizzie and I don’t know how to get her back. I’ve told my team I won’t go ahead with the fake relationship anymore but I know I need to do so much more than that to show her I’m in this for the long run.” I don’t dare even speak that I’m terrified that I’ve lost her forever, in fear that speaking it will make it true.

“Scarlett, you need to decide what scares you the most. Coming out and fearing people will see you differently, or losing Y/N, the woman you are madly in love with, for good. Just don’t take too long in making that decision or it could be too late.” She pulls me into a hug and we lie together on the sofa. “I miss her Lizzie” I sniffle. “Well, she’s performing on Jimmy Kimmel. How about we watch that?” I nod and she grabs the remote switching over to her performance.

Y/N’s Performance:

Jimmy: Performing her latest single, please welcome to the stage, Y/N Y/L/N!

The lights dim with a sole spotlight shining on Y/N who is sat at a piano. She starts to play as the notes ring out through the studio.

We keep behind closed doors

Every time I see you, I die a little more

Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls

It'll never be enough

As you drive me to my house

I can't stop these silent tears from rolling down

You and I both have to hide

On the outside where I can't be yours and you

Can't be mine

But I know this

We got a love that is homeless

Why can't I hold you in the street?

Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?

I wish that it could be like that

Why can't it be like that?

'Cause I'm yours

Why can't I say that I'm in love?

I wanna shout it from the rooftops

I wish that it could be like that

Why can't it be like that?

'Cause I'm yours

It's obvious you're meant for me

Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly

Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep

But I'll never show it on my face

But we know this, we got a love that is homeless

Why can't you hold me in the street?

Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?

I wish that it could be like that

Why can't we be like that?

'Cause I'm yours

Why can't I say that I'm in love?

I wanna shout it from the rooftops

I wish that it could be like that

Why can't we be like that?

'Cause I'm yours

I don't wanna live love this way

I don't wanna hide us away

I wonder if it ever will change

I'm living for that day

Someday

When you hold me in the street

And you kiss me on the dance floor

I wish that we could be like that

Why can't we be like that

'Cause I'm yours, I'm yours

Oh, why can't you hold me in the street?

Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?

I wish that it could be like that

Why can't it be like that?

'Cause I'm yours

Why can't I say that I'm in love?

I wanna shout it from the rooftops

I wish that it could be like that

Why can't we be like that?

'Cause I'm yours

Why can't we be like that

Wish we could be like that

The lights faded as the camera zoomed in close enough to see that Y/N was crying before the stage went dark and the audience erupt in applause.

Scarlett’s POV:

Lizzie and I just sat there in silence. I could hear the pain in her voice and it hurt me to know that it was me that caused it. I was pulled out of my trance by Lizzie squeezing me into a tight hug whispering in my ear. “If this didn’t help you decide then I don’t know what will.” She was right, the only person who I care about is Y/N. I’m not scared anymore. I’m going to win her back.

I’m up all night with Lizzie working a way out that I can come out and show my love for Y/N. An Instagram post didn’t seem like enough and a press release was too impersonal. It needed to be something special, and that’s when Lizzie came up with a risky but perfect plan. I just hope that she could forgive me and we can start out lives together a fresh.

Timeskip

It was a week later and here I am sat in the back of Y/N’s limo. She just doesn’t know it. It’s the night of the Grammy’s and Y/N is up for an award. I’m so proud of her and it’s time to show her that she is my number one priority. Lizzie’s grand plan so far had worked. We spoke with Y/N’s team and I explained the whole situation. Her manager was surprisingly nice about and said that it explained a lot about her behaviour recently. She had agreed to arrange a secret plus one for Y/N. I would wait in her car to surprise to walk down the red carpet with her, as her girlfriend. I just hoped she wouldn’t kick me out on the curb.

My heart rate starts to pick up as I hear her talking as she walk towards the car. God I’ve missed that voice. The car door opens and she gets in letting out a slight sigh as she sits. It takes her a moment before she notices me sat there with a nervous smile on my face and she jumps “Jesus Scar, you scared the shit out of me.” We both let out an awkward chuckle. “What are you doing here?” She asks not quite able to maintain the eye contact. This is it, the moment I win my girl back.

I put my finger under her chin and lift it so she’s looking at me. My God she is breathtakingly beautiful! I then take both of her hands in mine taking a deep breath “Y/N. Since the day I met you, I knew I was going to fall madly in love with you. Every day I spent with you I fell more and more in love. No one has ever made me as happy as you do. I know it’s only been 3 months but I know you are the women I want to spend the rest of my life with. I screwed up, I know I can’t take that back. I was so paralysed with fear about coming out and people’s reaction to it, that I didn’t think about you and our relationship. I just let you carry on making the sacrifices for me. But today that changes. I love you with all my heart and I’m not prepared to lose you again. I am so fucking proud of what you have achieve this last year. You deserve everything you are going to get tonight. And…. If you’ll have me… I want to be there for you every step of the way. No more hiding. I want to walk down that red carpet on your arm as your proud girlfriend. And then I’m going to spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you.”

There is a long silence as her eyes flicker between my own trying to get a read of me. I hope she can see how sincere I’m being, that I mean every word that I’m saying. “Don’t hurt me again. I don’t think I can survive if you do.” She whispers. The biggest smile appears on my face as I reach up and put my hand to her cheek wiping away the stray tear. “I promise I won’t. Can I kiss you?” I ask. “You never have to ask Scar.” And with that I pull her into a passionate kiss. I have missed her lips connecting with mine. It makes me feel complete. “You look absolutely beautiful Y/N. I’m so glad I get to call you mine.” She laughs and pulls me in for another soft kiss.

As we pull up to the venue Y/N grabs my hand. “Are you sure Scar? I don’t want you to do something you’re going to regret.” I look at her and smile. “The only regret I have is not telling the world how much I love you sooner. Let’s do this.” The fear is gone, I’m only excited now. As the door to the limo opens, I see the start of our new life together. ��

[enjoythesilentworld]

Wille's Month - Voicemail (Free Day)

day 31 @youngroyals-events thank you for everything (more coming in a separate post bc i have a lot of thanks to give)

A collection of voicemails left by Wille.

read below or on ao3 (G, 800)

Simon’s phone. March 29th, 2027, 4:29pm.

“Hi baby! I’m on my way home, I’m just about to stop at the store. Did you say we needed more milk? I’ll grab some anyway, I think I have a coupon. Oh my gosh, you’ll never believe what I saw on my lunch break today. I took a walk around the park and there was this little mama duck, and she had a little trail of babies following after her. I nearly cried. I was late getting back to the shop because I stayed to watch them swim around in the pond. And I- Oh, I just remembered I sent you a video of that. Well, I’m telling you again because it bears repeating. One of these days when we move out of the city, we should get a bunch of animals or something. I think I’d make a good farmer. Or would that make us ranchers? Anyway, I’ll see you in a few. I love you!”

Felice’s phone. November 11th, 2029, 7:13am.

“Felice, we have an issue. I’ve been following this recipe you sent so closely but I’ve managed to screw it up. Why do my egg whites look like this? … I just remembered you can’t see them. I’ll text you a picture. They’re all grainy and weird, though. Are you busy right now? This would be so much easier if we could do this on FaceTime or something. I’d owe you big time. I guess call me when you wake up, if you can? Love you. Thanks in advance.”

Linda’s phone. October 20th, 2027, 5:32pm.

“Hi Linda! Simon and I are running a bit late. Someone had to spend an extra thirty minutes fixing his— Hey! I’m trying to explain to your mom why it’s not my fault we’re late! Sorry, Linda. We’ll be there soon, I promise. Simon is being very safe, though, and definitely not taking his hands off the wheel to try to steal my phone. I made some new cookies with a recipe Felice gave me, too. I’m excited for you to try them! You have to actually give me a sincere review this time. I appreciated all your kindness last time, but I want you to be brutally honest about these ones. Okay, we’re about five minutes out. See you soon!”

August’s phone. February 1st, 2034, 9:48pm.

“Hi, August. It’s Wille. I saw a short clip of the ceremony today. Sorry I couldn’t make it. Mamma seems confident in you, and I actually think you’ll do a good job. I’m not calling you ‘Your Royal Highness’, though… I wish you the best. Bye.”

Sara's phone. July 15th, 2025, 3:06pm.

“Okay, I grabbed what you said. I think— Oh, sorry. Hi. It’s Wille. You know that. Listen, I am worried he’s getting suspicious. I’m bad at keeping secrets from him, you know this. I still think no one should’ve told me and this party could’ve been a surprise for both of us. Sorry, rambling. I think I managed to find everything on the list. They only had two packs of purple balloons left, so hopefully 50 is enough. Oh! The cake looks awesome, too. Felice did a great job. He’s going to love it. Okay, I gotta go, he’s coming. See you— Hi Simon! … No, just a scam call. How—”

Kristina’s phone. September 5th, 2032, 6:11pm.

“Hi Mamma. I’m sorry I missed your call earlier. Things have been really busy over here. The movers showed up on time, thankfully, and everything went smoothly. We managed to get a lot unpacked already. Simon and I just had our first official dinner at our new kitchen table! Let me know when you and Pappa want to come visit. I’d say give us a few weeks to at least get the majority of the boxes cleared out. You’re going to love the view of the lake. It’s so beautiful, Mamma… I’m really happy here. Okay. Call me when you can… I love you. Say hi to Pappa.”

Erik’s phone. June 1st, 2026, 1:52am.

“Hi Erik. It’s your brother. Wille. Um… I graduated today. I didn’t end up finishing at Hillerska. It got shut down. You may actually know a little bit about why. I don’t want to talk about that… The past few years have been really tough, Erik. There are a lot more good days than bad ones now, but it still hurts every day. I miss you a lot. I hope you’ve forgiven me for stepping down from the throne. I think you have. You knew I never wanted it. I’m starting at uni in the fall, and Simon and I are going to live together. I’m really excited, actually. Normal life, and all that. Maybe I’ll even get a job. Imagine that. Former Crown-Prince working as a barista. Um, okay. I should probably get back to sleep. I’ll call again soon. I love you, big brother… Bye.”

[cherryaxiel]

Kiss Me (Sequel to 'Misunderstood')

Character: Chester Lake

Description: You and Chester go on your first date!

Rating: Mature - Strong language

Monday

7:00 am

Ever since THAT happened, I've been thinking about him for the past two weeks. Daydreaming and coming up with dumb scenarios. I can't help it. We've been texting, but haven't gone on a date because of our busy schedules. I'm trying to get ready for work, but he's still running through my mind. I'm imagining different scenes, waking up in bed with him, him making me breakfast, cuddling on the couch, watching movies together, late night dates- okay I need to focus. It’s Monday, and it’s going to be a long work day. I get dressed after a shower, eat breakfast, feed my cats, it’s my usual morning routine. I work at a thrift store which is just a few blocks from my house so it’s quite convenient. I’ve always loved clothes but I am someone who is big on sustainability, hence why I chose to work with preloved clothes specifically. 

While walking to work, my mind remains plagued with thoughts of him. I sent him a good morning text, wishing him a good day at work. I’m listening to music, allowing myself to seep into my desires. Once I arrived at work, I put down my headphones and prepared myself for the day.

3:00 pm

Oh my god, it was a disaster of a day. The only way I managed to go through it was thinking about him. I’m so fucking pathetic. Oh wow, a guy helped me go through the worst day of my life by invading my brain without even meaning to. Whatever, my shift is over, I’m going home. I packed my shit and left the store. I looked at my phone to see if there’s any messages from him, nothing, not a single message from him the entire day. I feel a certain sadness in my heart. I shrug it off and start walking home.

3:30 pm

When I reached home, I flopped on my couch, stretching all over as my body aches from the day’s labor. My cats came over to me, one loafing on my chest and another laying between my legs. I looked at my phone again, my eyes widened. A text notification from him. I sat up so quickly, shocking my cats. They jump up and about from the sudden movement. “Omg, I’m so sorry,” I blurt out to my cats, before unlocking my phone and pressing on the notification. 

‘I’m so sorry for not texting you the whole day, got held up with a case but no excuses. Let me make it up to you?’ The text from him reads.

I’m giggling and kicking my feet. I calm myself enough to reply, ‘It’s okay, I understand! How are you going to make it up to me?’

‘How about I take you out on a date? Dinner’s on me.’ Free food with a cute guy? Why not, right?

‘Sure! When?’ I replied.

‘Tonight, I’ll pick you up at your place, 6 pm, wear something cute ;)’ 

My cheeks are red, ‘Alright! Here’s my address :) Looking forward to tonight <3’ I managed to send out before turning my phone off and burrowing my face into the couch pillow. My heart’s beating fast. Oh my god, I need to figure out what to wear. 

4:00 pm

I’m stressing out, laying on the floor in defeat with piles of clothes scattered around me. I literally couldn’t find anything to wear. I decided to get back-up and called Selina. Thankfully she lives nearby, so she was able to get to my house quickly.

“OMG babe, did a hurricane come through this place?” Selina walks into my room, seeing the mess I made, and carefully making sure she isn’t stepping on my clothes.

“I don’t know what to do! I have nothing to wear!” I sat up on the ground with my face buried in my hands.

“Don’t worry, I got you.” Selina gets to work almost immediately. 

5:45 pm

Selina managed to get me cleared up and dressed, having enough time to clean up the mess I made earlier in my room. It’s 15 minutes before Chester arrives and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s my first date in a long time after all. Selina is comforting me by providing me positive affirmation and making jokes. 

15 minutes later, I could hear the sound of a car parking in front of my apartment building. It doesn’t take long before there’s a knock on my door. Selina does one last check of my appearance. I walk towards the door, prepping and hyping myself up. I took a deep breath and exhaled, opening the door to Chester holding a bouquet of flowers and a cheeky grin on his face. He’s wearing a black blazer, trousers, and shoes with a white dress shirt that has the first button unbuttoned. He looks me up and down. Oh my god, he’s checking me out. 

“Good evening, love.” He says in such a sensual voice that I feel like I’m about to fall to my knees but I stood firmly.

“Good evening, Chester,” I smiled with my cheeks all flushed, I tried very hard to hide my infatuation even though in my brain, I’m screaming.

“These are for you, flowers as beautiful as you,” he passes the flowers to me. I took the flowers and enveloped it into a slight hug while smelling it.

“Well, well, look who’s here,” Selina approaches from behind me and stands beside me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder, “Take care of my sibling, will you?” She plays it off as a joke, but there’s a hint of aggression in her voice to show she actually means it.

“Of course, I’ll take care of your precious gem.” He extends an arm out to me, prompting me to hold his hand, which I do. “Shall we?” He asks, I nod. As we walk out my door, I look back mouthing ‘Oh my god’ to Selina, who gives me an encouraging smile and two thumbs up.

As we approach his car, he opens the passenger seat door for me. I thanked him and sat inside with the bouquet of flowers in my hand. I’m nervously picking at my fingers as he gets into the driver’s seat, putting his seatbelt on after helping me with mine which was totally unnecessary but he did it anyway. I thanked him again. He gives me a smile before we drive off.

6:30 pm

We parked near the restaurant and it didn’t seem too crowded. Chester was able to get a reservation from this place since it was a Monday night. He opens the car door for me again and I get out of the car, leaving the flowers in the car and giving my thanks to him again. He closes the car door and locks his car before extending his arm towards me, wanting me to hold his arm closely. With me practically clinging onto him, we enter the restaurant.

Once we’re inside the restaurant and the waiter seats us at our table, we go over the menu. “Been here before?” Chester starts the conversation. 

“Nope, it’s my first time, what about you?”

“Same here, I heard good things about this place so I thought it was a good idea to experience it for the first time with you tonight.” His eyes were sparkling in the candle light and the way it made him look was making my heart flutter.

“Ah, I see.” I looked back down to the menu. I didn’t want to meet his gaze again, it was so captivating that I thought I was going to be pulled into him like being drowned by the thundering waves of the deep blue sea.

After a while, we ordered our food. I felt awkward in his presence. I’m not sure what it is about him but I’m anxious and I’m picking at my fingers again. He notices this, so he takes my hand in his, laying it gently on the table and caresses it. I let out a light gasp but all he does is give me a reassuring smile. For whatever reason, it comforts me. My heart slows. Maybe it’s also the calm atmosphere, or the jazz music playing in the restaurant, but I start to feel comfortable and my body relaxes. 

7:45 pm

We’re sitting for about an hour, talking about our backstories and lives. We eventually talk about our love life and how it has been. At this point, I’m sitting next to him, caressing his arm, and we’re looking deeply into each other’s eyes.

“How many dates have you been on?” I asked him.

“Too many to count, honestly.” He shrugs.

“Really? Can’t relate, it’s hard for me to find anyone I’m interested in.” I look down at his arm, drawing hearts on it with my finger.

“Oh? So, I’m interesting?” He jokes, making me lightly smack his arm.

“Were any of them bad?” I looked up, waiting patiently for his answer.

“This one time...” He recalls a story.

“Oh my god, that’s so bad.” I laugh at his story, appalled by it.

“Is my pain funny to you?” He laughs, which makes me laugh a bit harder. We tried to silence our laughter as we remembered we were in a restaurant and people were starting to stare at us.

“Hey, I'm craving ice cream. I noticed an ice cream place nearby, let’s leave and buy some. The desserts here don't sound too good.” He chuckles at my last comment and agrees. We left once he had paid for our meals.

8:15 pm

After getting ice cream, we decided to walk through a nearby park. The sky was so clear that we could see the stars and the moon. Other than the crickets chirping loudly, there was silence in the park. It was just us, and I found profound peace being next to Chester.

“Let’s sit here.” Chester gestures to a bench, holding my hand and lightly pulling me to it before I follow him. We sat down on the bench and finished off our ice cream. We looked up to stare at the starry night sky. The night was becoming colder, and I realized I was starting to shiver from it. I’m guessing he was feeling cold too because unconsciously, we got closer to each other. It was almost as though our bodies were seeking and moving towards each other for warmth. Chester notices that I was shivering, so he wraps his blazer around me, our faces closing into each other. So damn close. He looks at my eyes, then to my lips, and back to my eyes again. I did the same to him. His hand reaches to cup my face, holding me so gently. I sink into his hand, into his warmth. Before I knew it, he’s leaning in, we're both leaning in. Our lips meet, and my heart bursts like fireworks sparked on New Year's. Butterflies swarm my stomach. His other hand holds my waist, and my hands are on his chest. His lips are so soft, a juxtaposition from the rough hands on me. In each second, we deepen the kiss as if we're going to swallow each other whole. His hands move to my back to pull me closer, like he doesn't want me to leave his grasp, as I cup his face with both of my hands. After a few while, we pull away, breathless. All we could do was look into each other’s eyes as we catch our breath before we laughed at how flustered the other looked.

“Let's get you home, love.” He sees my tired eyes, and stands up, extending a hand to me once again. I nodded and held his hand. We walked back to his car, he opened the car door for me, I gave my thanks, and we drove back to my apartment.

9:00 pm

We arrived at my house. I tried leaving the car first with the bouquet of flowers but he told me to wait, wanting to open the car door himself.

“Aren't you tired of that?”

“Of course not, anything for my love. It's only the bare minimum.” I blush, giving him a peck on the cheek as a ‘Thank you’ after leaving the car. We walked up to the front door of my apartment.

“I had a wonderful time, we should do this again, Chester.”

“Me too, I hope to see you again. Have a good night, love.” 

I give him a kiss on the lips before bidding him farewell, making the both of us smiley and giddy. Chester leaves as I open my door with my house keys to see Selina on the couch with my cats, watching a movie. 

Once I closed and locked the door, placing the bouquet of flowers onto a nearby table, Selina urged me, “Oh my god, spill the deets!” Selina and I spent the night talking about the date with snacks and movies before passing out on the couch, with me still wearing his blazer.

[bisamwilson]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💜

hello! thanks for the ask!

i did this a few weeks ago BUT i have more than five fics so here's five more!

(some nsfw text below the cut!)

i just met you (and this is crazy), M, 19.2k, complete

Sam finds the Winter Soldier ordering an americano in Paris. The rest of the patrons are drinking tiny plain espressos, as whatever God that rules over Europe intended, but Sam can hear the voice he recognizes from old audio tours of the Smithsonian asking for “café Americain” while the barista turns up her nose. Sam watches as he receives his drink and an éclair, walking calmly over to a small empty table and pulling out something that resembles an iPad. “Didn’t know being a fugitive afforded the salary for tech like that,” Sam says, sliding into the chair across from him. 

2. la vie en rose, E, 6.1k, complete

They mostly stay out of the drama, and they’re both more than charming enough to keep Lexie Grace happy, so they both pass through the next three rose ceremonies with flying colors, no doubt at all that either of them would make it through. Sam thinks it might be a little strange that he looks forward to being with Bucky more than Lexie Grace most days, but he chalks it up to the fact that they spend way more time together due to living together and the impersonal nature of group dates. He’s gotten to know Bucky in a way he hasn’t with Lexie Grace yet; he’s sure his feelings will change when they get more solo dates going. When Bucky follows him to an empty bathroom, turns on multiple showers to drown out any noises from the microphone outside the doors, and backs him up against a shower wall, lips brushing against his neck, he thinks he might’ve made a miscalculation.

3. tell him that his lonesome nights are over, E, 1.5k, complete

They’d figured this out a few months before, after entirely too many mornings and nights and three AMs where Bucky would wake up hard and needy, caught between waking Sam up and letting him get some much needed rest. Usually, they’d end up with the worst of both outcomes: Bucky trying and failing to get himself off quietly by rutting into his hand or the mattress, but too keyed up by that point to do it quietly. It would wake Sam up anyway, already too late to join in any of the fun.   They have a long discussion about consent and boundaries after the eighth or so time this happens, ending up with the perfect solution: Bucky fucks Sam without waking him up first.

4. one of those nights, E, 3.8k, complete

There’s a kind of greasy man holding up the bar near Sam’s normal spot, and he’s admittedly not too happy about it. “Come here often?” he asks once he reaches the bar, words flirty but tone irritated.  The man turns around and blinks, giving Sam a full view of his face. He’s entirely clean-shaven, a surprising look considering his just-past-shoulder-length dark hair, and his lips are cherry red, likely from being constantly bitten. His expression is entirely blank, almost unsettlingly so, but when he notices Sam’s discerning look he snaps on a charming smile, his blue eyes brightening. If he’s looking for a partner to bite him tonight, more power to him, but Sam’ll be damned if he does it from his barstool.

5. from ear to ear, E, 7.1k, complete

Sam mindlessly pinches at his ears again, and Bucky only barely keeps himself from banging his own head against the back of the diner booth to physically chase away his thoughts. “Yeah, I usually only push an earring through to keep ‘em from closing up; it was a bitch to get them done the first time and I’d rather not do it again.”  He switches to the left ear, and Bucky thinks he might just melt into the booth. “It’s been awhile since I’ve done that, though. Kinda surprised they haven’t closed up yet.” He tilts his head, a little tic that Bucky has started labeling as “considering,” and then nods whenever he’s apparently made up his mind. “I’ll throw some studs in when we get home tonight, wear ‘em around for a bit. No use keeping them open this long only to let them close up now.” Bucky takes a sip of his beer and, for once, feels grateful that he can’t get drunk. He’s pretty sure he’d say something not so platonic to his very platonic earring-wearing best friend if he was just a little less sober.

[lovesosweeet]

better left unsaid // cth

chapter twenty three

in which orion has leukemia, and calum doesn’t know.

calum hood x fem!oc

read other chapters

september 4, 2018 los angeles, california orion 

Being alive right now is exhausting. If I could, I’d sleep 10 hours every night, but the fact is, I wake up every few hours to throw up or with intense body aches that make it impossible to lay comfortably. It’s not comfortable to do anything, but it’s far too uncomfortable to sleep. 

My body is at war with itself, or, I guess, with the chemotherapy drugs coursing through my veins. Just like I’m fighting for my life, my body itself is at battle, too. It’s an awful feeling to know that even my organs are working against me now, on top of dealing with being in a temporary long distance relationship. The blood coursing through my veins contains the evidence of my impending death, and the poison mixing with it is there to make my life just a little bit longer, but far more painful.

Sometimes I wonder if going through with treatment even matters. 

Leukemia is a death sentence. There’s no way to sugarcoat it. Is it worth feeling like pure shit every day until I die? How much better is my life if all that I’m doing to extend it is also making me feel worse?

My mind is at war with itself too. 

I can’t figure out whether I’m excited for or dreading the day that Calum and I reunite in San Diego. I am looking forward to having him as a support system in everything after dealing with this without him for over a month now. I am looking forward to getting to spend time with my favorite human being on this planet. I am looking forward to seeing his smile and smelling his cologne and holding his hand and watching him perform and hugging him as tight as I can.

I���m not looking forward to crushing him with the fact that I’ve been lying to him, by omission, about my life. I dread the look on his face when I tell him that I have cancer. I dread having to hear him fall apart while the fact that I’m dying settles in. Calum is going to be devastated, just like everyone else in my life has been. He’s going to be generally upset with me for not telling him. He’s going to wish I’d told him as soon as I’d found out and he’s going to go into recluse mode, mulling all the facts over in silence and battling all of his feelings about the news. 

There’s still a piece of me that wants to call him right now and beg him to come home. What wouldn’t I give to have him here right now? In some alternate universe, he’d be taking care of me 24/7, coming with me to every chemo appointment and bringing me fresh water whenever I ask. He’d be up with me at all hours, holding my hair back while I vomit for the twelfth time each day. He’d have saltine crackers on autoship to arrive every few days. I wouldn’t have to do anything for myself and I wouldn’t have to do anything alone.

That’s one of the worst parts. While I’m in emotional turmoil with my choice not to tell Calum and him on tour and my body is processing both cancer and poison, I feel so alone. 

Emelia helps. My family helps. Macy helps. People are showing up for me constantly, consistently, but the majority of my time is still alone. I wish I could talk about everything and have someone with me just to keep me company, but I can’t. I’m alone. I’m lonely. I’m dying. I’m depressed. I feel awful, mentally and physically. All I want is Calum, but everything I’ve done for the past month has been putting space between myself and him.

I’ve fucked myself over, plain and simple. 

Today is my final round of chemo for this cycle, and while I know I’ll still feel like pure shit for a few weeks, it’s nice to have reached this mile marker. 

I take my shower before I get ready to head to the hospital. I woke up at 5 am, puking a few times before giving up on trying to go back to bed. I took a long shower, standing under the near-boiling hot water for almost an hour. It was nice to feel something, even if it was the sensation of almost burning my skin with water. 

Then my heart felt like the most fragile scrap of paper when I got dressed.

I’d gone to Calum’s side of the closet, as I have almost every day since he left, to grab a hoodie. It’s a random Liverpool football hoodie that he’s probably worn a grand total of two times in my presence, but it’s clean and it’s thick and cozy, so it meets my criteria. It doesn't smell like him, but it's not hard to imagine that it does. I can pretend it smells of faint cigarettes, coffee, pine needles, and honey: everything that reminds me of him.

As I grab the hoodie from his shelf of things, a piece of paper falls to the floor. Apparently it was hidden in the folds of the worn-out green cotton. I recognize Calum’s favorite blue pen scribbled on a scrap of notebook paper and pick up the note instantly.

O,I guess you’ve worked your way down the stack of hoodies. I don’t know how long it’s taken you to get to this point, but know that that means we’re that much closer to being able to be skin to skin, hand in hand, eye to eye, and heart to heart. 

I know it’s hard to believe, since I’m writing this before I leave, but I swear to you: I miss you so much. I haven’t even left and I already miss you.

Fuck, how pathetic am I? Do you see my tearstains?

I am irrevocably and inconsolably in love with you. I will miss you any second of any minute we spend apart. I can only imagine — dread — how much I will be missing you by the time you read this.

I know hardly any of this will be news to you, but I can’t leave without having pieces of my love for you buried around our home. I’m guessing this will be the first you find, but hopefully you’ll find the others soon.

Can’t promise the others won’t be as sappy as this. Just need you to know just how much I miss you.

I am infinitely yours. With all my goddamn love,Cal.

next chapter

[deiongill]

Today I am 8 days into quitting vaping after 4 years. To be honest, it was a lot easier than I expected. I’ve done my fair share of googles on what quitting vaping and nicotine all together is like, so I assumed that I would be in a constant state of panic for 2 weeks straight with some of the worst symptoms known to man. Was I being dramatic to think that? Yes. Was I crazy to think that and also be so down to white knuckle it and quit semi-cold turkey? Maybe. Now I’ve had a few days in the past week where the motion sickness, irritability and constant background headaches were a lot to handle, but I honestly made it through pretty smoothly.

It was a very simple and quiet decision that I made to quit entirely, and it was in 3 steps that I made it happen and got to the point where I’m typing this without the urge to pick it back up again after only 8 days. The first step was no longer buying new vapes, so I could only hit the near-empty ones I had lying around the house. Not a very glamorous thing to say out loud seeing that I had about 15 of them hiding in random places in my apartment and car, but nonetheless it helped to get the process started. The faded and worn out flavor, plus the disappointing lack of “smoke” exhaled from each hit felt like it was training my brain to no longer rely on vaping to give me the same sense of satisfaction that I once received from it. The experience was now a lackluster excuse for a bad habit. Did I continue to do it? Absolutely. I reluctantly used up all 15 of the near empty vapes in about 2 weeks, and by the end of it I was almost glad to be done with them.

Step 2 was a huge jump, but somehow it felt easy. Here’s what happened leading up to it in reality… I cheated the process, but not without good reason. I finished my last used vape on the way to the airport to fly out to Atlanta to see my family for 2 days during Christmas. When I landed and got picked up, I had already decided in my mind that I was going to buy one last vape for this trip, because I couldn’t bear to let the withdrawals kick in while I was with my family. That was just something I didn’t see going well. So I purchased myself a cheat day vape and went about my holiday before throwing it out as I left for the airport to head back to LA. Step 2 was now in effect. This was the rule of no longer having any vapes to myself, and only being able to take 1 hit of my best friend and roommate Crispin’s vape per day. Luckily I was in the studio for the majority of my time during this phase, so I would either come home around 9pm and hit it once after a full day, or, if I wasn’t in the studio, wait until about 3pm after I had already worked out or hiked before allowing myself to knock on his bedroom door and be met with his answer before I even asked the question.

Step 2 lasted for about a week and some change, and on January 5th, something miraculous happened in perfect timing. I was in an all-day session until 10-11 pm that night and returned home to take a nap before needing to drive Crispin to the airport early in the morning. He was already asleep and I didn’t want to wake him up with my nicotine junkie tendencies, so I refrained from knocking on his door. Somehow, without even noticing it, the clock had struck midnight and I had officially made it a full 24 hours without vaping at all. Not even a single hit. It didn’t occur to me until I was getting back up out of bed to leave for the airport, but when it did I was surprised and proud. I decided that there was no turning back from it, and I would go without my Elliot Smith-esque last hit moment. There was no fond farewell to a friend. I had officially quit vaping for good. It was time for step 3.

This past week has been strange when it comes to the specific experience of completely quitting. I remember moments of nausea, headaches, lack of focus, and compulsive eating, but never once did I feel the urge to make all the discomfort disappear by taking the easy way out. I stood on the word that I gave to myself and refused to budge. I gained a lot of respect for myself this week, respect that was earned by choosing my future over my present. I showed myself tough love, real care and kept a promise. I don’t know what version of me is going to be able to see that promise come full circle and be able to say “I’m so thankful I made that decision”, but I’m looking forward to being that version of myself, no matter how far away that is. I proved that I’m worth being looked out for, taken care of, and respected, even if only by myself. I showed myself that I matter by doing this, and I set an example for all the other parts of me that I want to work on and improve. If I can do this, what else can I do?

[scribbling-dragon]

Watcher’s Nest Café Masterpost

COMPLETE!

(ao3 link)

“I want you to know that I hate everything about this.”

Scott hums into his drink, sipping at it before throwing the whole thing back like it’s a shot. The bitter taste is enough to wake him up at least a little more. “You're here on time, at least.”

Jimmy’s staring at him when he looks up, apron held in his hands as he squints. Scott stares back at him. “How much espresso was in that?” He asks. Scott doesn't actually know, he measured it more with his heart than his eyes.

*

Or: I’ve finally cracked and written a coffee shop au.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

The man came back.

The man walks into the café the next morning, smiling cheerily as the bell twinkles merrily above the door, announcing his arrival. He is far too happy for a man whose stolen fiver is still sitting in the tip jar.

Chapter 3

“Aren't you cheerful this morning,” Jimmy slips the tablet from his  hands then promptly almost drops and smashes it. It would be funny if it  hadn't made Scott feel a little bit sick as he thought about explaining  how that happened. “Rough night?”

He hums. “Something like that.”

Chapter 4

“Morning sunshine!”

“Martyn,” he turns to face the man. The man that has, unfortunately, become a fixture at the café over the past few weeks. He’s even taken up residence along the front bar when Scott is working. Which is always. Martyn’s greeting catches up with him a moment later, brain lagging several seconds behind their conversation. “Sunshine?”

Chapter 5

It’s a slightly warmer day than the past few days have been. Which isn't actually that much of an achievement, but it’s something, and so Scott is taking a moment to enjoy the sunny weather. Even if he steps outside and it would still threaten to freeze his scales off, the slightly warmer weather is enough to put him in a mostly good mood.

“Thank you,” he smiles at the customer, handing their drink over to them. The cardboard of the take-away cup is warm beneath his hand, even through the leather of his gloves. The customer glances at him, taking their drink with a squeaked out “thank you” before darting away to join their friends.

Chapter 6

“It’s open,” he calls, just loud enough to be heard.

He waits, and then a moment later the door creaks open, the sound of feet shuffling over carpet reaching his ears. “Take your shoes off.”

“What if I’d been a murderer?”

Chapter 7

“I don't know,” Tango stands by the door, both drinks in hand as he waits for Jimmy to finish his conversation. He smiles at Scott when he catches his eye before looking away again, watching the people outside, on the street. “Maybe you will! How am I meant to know? I don't think you even know what you're gonna do half the time.”

“I’ll be there,” Scott settles a hand over the back of Jimmy’s hand, patting it a few times before pulling back again. When he looks up, Jimmy is regarding him with suspicion.

“I know where you live.”

“I am well aware.” He smiles at Jimmy’s frown deepening, bordering on the edge of a scowl.

“I have nothing against dragging you, kicking and screaming, out of your apartment.”

Chapter 8

The café was quiet.

The customers inside were sitting contentedly at their own tables, each lost in their own worlds as they spoke quietly amongst each other. He didn't know what he expected, really, from a café that relied on the local student populace. And with several final deadlines yesterday, there wouldn't have been many people willing to get up this early, let alone make the trek to the café with the miserable weather outside

Scott wishes that a few more people would come in, only so that he might have something to do.

[taintmansion]

Alright so here goes a big personal mental health post…

As I’ve posted about since august, I developed a terrible anxiety induced insomnia which through finding a very helpful community online now identify as “sleep anxiety” which sort of accidentally happens to people when sometimes even one sleepless night sends them into a fight or flight mode. My brain now gets confused and thinks I should not sleep. I am often on 2-4 hours at most, often broken up and requires me to work hard to make myself relax and just wake up feeling unrested.

I’ve had ups and downs, one medication that seemed to work a while but made me feel like shit (while still working a stressful job that set this whole thing off) and then took myself off it and figured I probably need to be on an actual anxiety medication and have 2 family members on lexapro so hey, let’s ask for that. Was given that by a rando telehealth doctor because with shit insurance didn’t know where to go. Got through 2 days on it with what felt like heightened insomnia and anxiety zero appetite etc.

I stayed at my mom’s for half a week after my job took me off the schedule shortly after I gave my 2 weeks notice but told them I’ve been sick and may not make all the last shifts. That was the 2nd day of lexapro and felt I would lose my mind if I kept taking it at that point especially without a psych to follow up with. So, at my mom’s and trying a stress relief supplement, I started sleeping better and better. Went back home, had one bad night but then oddly on an air mattress slept good again.

Just as things were going so well for me, I went to a shitty dentist office i already didn’t like but wanted a tooth filled, and this dentist dropped a drill in my mouth cutting a hole under my tongue. Didn’t even know things like that happened to people! My anxiety was skyrocketed and every day since then sleep has been a struggle again. Actually I only slept decent the 2 times I’ve taken a Xanax which I got prescribed to help me get through the first few weeks lexapro because a trusted dr (gynecologist tbh) at least told me to keep trying. I signed up for better health insurance but it won’t kick in until November 1st. I’ll find an actual psychiatrist.

Anyway. After getting through a wedding out of town that was a big stressor for me, it went pretty well all things considered, I’m starting lexapro once again tomorrow morning and committing to getting through at least 2 weeks and see how it goes. Even though a top side effect is. Insomnia. 😑 This time I have the xanax to take as needed.

Just felt like typing this all out I guess because this has been the biggest mental health challenge of my life. Somehow worse than when I had panic attacks for months when I was 19. This has had me feeling beyond broken, confused, not myself, like I’ll never be ok again… totally scared and lost. So going forward all I have is meds hopefully helping me and the help of this yt channel and the guy’s book that arrives in a few days. This could be a continued struggle or it may get better soon. I’m scared and don’t know when I can work again. I only have so much funds and help but also very very blessed with my family which helps a lot. I hope I get past this and have a good 2024.

[wreywrites]

Tiger Shark

Part 4: The Anchor

Chapter 21

I don’t knock. It is too quiet in my room, and he’s been living here for a month. I just let myself in and crawl into bed next to him.

“Hi,” he mumbles.

I pull the blanket up to my ears. “Will you tell me something?”

“Can’t sleep?”

“Too quiet. I can hear them.”

There is a long sigh. Finnick rolls over and we are nose to nose. “You promise?”

“It’s the usual for a reason, Odair.”

“Listen, honey, we have very specific rules on nicknames, and if you’re going to backpedal on your end…”

“Sorry. I’m just frustrated and tired and I can’t sleep.”

“And you want me to solve your problems.”

“You’re already awake.”

He sighs again. “Fine. Close your eyes and imagine it: a ten-year-old me, about to be stung by his first jellyfish.”

I can’t help it. I open my eyes and raise an eyebrow. “You were ten before you got stung?”

“Yes, and I could have been older, but I was distracted, now let me finish.”

I close my eyes again.

“It was the first really hot day that summer, and my mom took me swimming. We went out past the reef up by the Traps and swam out to the drop off. Mom loved going over the drop off. I did not. But the reef was so jaw-dropping up there, with all the fish, and no fishing boats to scare anything off or to have to watch out for. So Mom was swimming a few yards past the drop off, and I was on the shallow side…”

~~~                               ~~~                               ~~~

I wake up the next morning earlier than I would like to. This means I am once again alone with my thoughts, which is what I was trying to avoid last night. Oh well. A deal’s a deal. We’ve been doing this for almost a month. At night, when everything is quiet, I can’t sleep. It’s when my fades get really bad, because there is nothing to block out the sounds in my head. So for a while I asked Finnick to sit in my room and talk until I fell asleep. Once I was asleep, he would walk across the hall and sleep in one of the empty rooms. And then one night we both remembered how well we slept that night the week before my shortened Victory Tour, so we tried it out, and now we’re hooked.

I still try to sleep alone. And sometimes I can, but most nights it doesn’t happen. Thankfully I’m not plagued by nightmares—once I fall asleep, I usually sleep through the night. Finnick, not so much. He has terrible nightmares, and he never wakes up without thinking he’s back in the arena. So the deal is that he talks until I fall asleep, and then I stay in bed until he wakes up. Thankfully, he’s not one to sleep in to excess, because the silent mornings sometimes prove troublesome as well.

So I watch him sleep. It’s a little creepy, but he looks so different asleep that I can’t help staring. He looks younger. Or maybe he just looks his age and I’m used to seeing him have to act like someone much older, bearing more responsibility than any twenty-year-old should have to bear. In sleep, he doesn’t hold life and death for some luckless teenagers in his hands. In sleep, he has no Capitol to despise, to obey, to fear. In sleep, he is not a victor, not a Capitol toy, not a celebrity, he is just Finnick Odair, the boy who wasn’t stung by a jellyfish until he was ten, the child who was convinced that his mother forgot how to tie shoes, the man who seductively ate strawberries just to make me uncomfortable. And in this moment, I can almost forget the horrific things I’ve seen and done, the blood on my hands, the loss I’ve endured. In this moment, I am content.

He snuck up on me all right.

~~~                               ~~~                               ~~~

I’ve learned what to look for when Finnick is about to wake up. He doesn’t look relaxed anymore. His eyelids twitch, and he squirms and moves a lot. It is midmorning when he starts turning his head from side to side and mumbling.

I take a deep breath. One day last week he punched me when he woke up, so it takes a bit of mental preparation now. With one hand, I take the closer of his hands. I put the other on his cheek. It occurs to me that puts me in prime biting position. I hope he doesn’t bite me. I hope very much he doesn’t bite me.

“Hey,” I say quietly. “Finnick, you can wake up now. You’re home.”

His eyes snap open and his free hand grabs my wrist. I wince as his fingers clamp down. If he ever went off the rails in a fit of nightmare-induced irrationality and tried to kill me, he could do it.

“Hey,” I say again. “Good morning.”

He blinks, then closes his eyes and lets out a slow breath, letting go of my wrist.

I run my thumb over his cheek. “Bad dream?” I don’t know why I ask. The answer is always yes, and he never wants to talk about them. But what else am I supposed to say in this situation?

He nods.

I start to pull my hand away, but he grabs it, holding it against his cheek. After a second, he opens his eyes to look at me. “Stay?”

I smile, nod. “As long as you want.”

~~~                               ~~~                               ~~~

I actually fall back asleep, apparently, because the next thing I know I am waking up again. This time Finnick is already awake. Or maybe still awake. And this time he is watching me sleep.

I grin and wrinkle my nose at him.

He smiles back. “I wish it was raining.”

“What?” I laugh. “Why?”

“Because it’s going to feel weird just laying in bed all day if it’s nice outside.”

“You want to lay in bed all day?”

“I do!” He brushes a stray hair behind my ear. “I want to lay in bed all day and do nothing but look at you and remember exactly what you look like right now and exactly how I feel and…” He trails off, shaking his head. “Damn it, you keep sneaking up on me.” And then he kisses me.

It’s surprising, but somehow also not at all. I should have, could have, seen this coming a mile away and months ago. Actually at several points in time I did see this coming, but I did nothing about it. I didn’t alter course, I didn’t steer around the reef. Snuck up, my foot.

And yet… I would’ve steered far away if I saw this coming. In fact, at the first sign of danger, I had panicked. Only to learn later and the hard way that it was already too late. For better or worse, I need this man in my life, and it took me a long time to realize that. But now that I know, I’m not letting go of this any time soon.

I’m the one that breaks off. I don’t want to, but I do. Because there, still in the back of my mind, always there, is Mako. And this seems wrong. And I am hungry, which is a convenient excuse. But I’m hoping Finnick doesn’t follow me to the kitchen, because I need to sort through the shoal of thoughts crashing against each other in my mind.

Sadly, frying some whale bacon doesn’t help. I’m still confused, and the smell brings Finnick to the kitchen.

He starts to apologize.

“Don’t.” I cut him off. “It’s… I need to figure myself out.”

He nods. “I’m still here either way. I’ve decided I like sleeping through the night.”

I smile. “I know what you mean.”

~~~                               ~~~                               ~~~

So he starts sleeping in his house again. It goes poorly for both of us, because I spend my nights lost in a haze, drifting between reality and the arena, and I’m confident his nightmares follow him. But we do spend our days together. Reading, drawing, tying complicated trick knots, learning how to bake (Finnick is surprisingly good at this, I am not good at all), napping on the couch. And the whole time, in the back of my mind, I wrestle with memories of Mako.

Winter stretches on, and then spring comes. I am looking forward to lobster diving, even to just being able to swim without threat of hypothermia. And on the first warm day we get, Finnick and I go up to the Traps.

We spend the morning lounging on the beach, waiting for the heat of the afternoon to swim. I doze off for a while, but soon it is warm enough for swimming, so we swim out to the drop off.

I’m floating on my back when Finnick calls from a few yards away, “Right here. This is the very place I was stung by my first jellyfish.”

I return to an upright position and swim over to him. “How do you know this is exactly that spot? There’s no way.”

“There’s a rusty anchor just to the left here, and I- you fell asleep before I got to the part where the jellyfish stung me, didn’t you?”

“I might have. Your stories tend to get long-winded.”

“Well you tend to take a long time to settle in and fall asleep.”

I shrug. “So this is the place?” I clear my throat and put on my best Caesar Flickerman impression. “History was made here. In this humble yet beautiful part of District Four, a boy became a man.”

Finnick rolls his eyes. “I don’t know why I share intimate details of my life with you.”

I laugh. “That’s not intimate. And please don’t take this as an invitation to share the actual intimate details of your life—I don’t want to know. But enough of this reminiscing, let’s go over!”

And then he does one of the few things he has ever done that truly surprises me. His eyes widen and he shakes his head rapidly. “No, no, I’m fine staying here.”

“What?” I feel a smile creeping across my face. “Are you scared?”

“No!”

“Then just come with me!” I grab his arm and pull him toward the drop off.

He pulls back. “I don’t have to prove myself to you!”

“No, you don’t. And you won’t be proving anything, you’ll just be swimming.”

But he doesn’t budge, and we’re equally matched when it comes to swimming, so I have to leave him. I drift over the edge. It is scary, being in twelve or fifteen feet of brightly-lit water one minute, and the next having blue-gray eternity stretching down below you, but I love it. The rush of the unknown, the feeling of being so small and insignificant, the knowledge that my very presence is a challenge to the sea. I love it. And as I grin back at Finnick, I can see he does not.

“Will you just come back?”

I laugh at him, shake my head, roll onto my back and float over the abyss. And I don’t know why I feel so recklessly safe here, but I do.

But Finnick looks lonely, like a lost puppy, so I drift back to the shallow side of the drop off.

After a while we go back to the beach. I draw in the sand while Finnick looks for oysters. They’re hard to find here because the whole point of the Traps is that it’s where the Capitol socialites stay when they visit Four on vacation, so the beach is perpetually picked over. It takes him a few hours to give up, and by then I’ve drawn and erased a shark several times, trying to get the teeth right. Not that sand is the best medium for detail.

The afternoon turns to evening, and we head for home. I lay awake late into the night.

Things seem to make sense now. All the nights we’ve spent sitting up, talking, all the days relaxing on the beach and lobster-diving, all the jokes, the laughing until we cried, the quiet moments when we got lost in our own terrible memories, the afternoons he’d fallen asleep on my shoulder while I read, the nights I curled up next to him and listened to endless stories until I finally fell asleep. I think I might have been in denial for a long time, but now, lost in thought as I frequently am, I wonder about what Mako would think of everything that’s happened since I won. He wouldn’t be proud, that’s for sure. He would have wanted me to live my life to the fullest, and that eventually leads me to the realization that he would expect, maybe even want, me to move on. He would certainly want me to be happy again eventually, and dwelling on all the horrible things I’ve seen and been through and all the things that can’t be isn’t making me happy.

So I decide to live as best I can.

****

****

PREVIOUS CHAPTER

NEXT CHAPTER

Tag List:

@avoxrising @snow-dragon-rider @anakins-ride-or-die

[findingmypeace]

4/21/2023

So I am also experiencing some other medical symptoms but I don’t think they are related to the eating disorder. I’ve been doing maintenance ect (ever 2-3 weeks) for 4 1/2 years and I am concerned these are side-effects of that. First, I feel like my mind isn’t as sharp as it used to be. I’m finding that a lot of the time I’m forgetting what I was planning to say and I am make sure to double and triple check everything I write for work, just to make sure it’s all good. I’m also noticing I’m having to more frequently use spell check as I clearly know how to spell a specific word but in that moment my mind is blank. Many times I end up remembering is few seconds later it’s just easier to use the spell check.That’s probably a good thing to do anyway. Obviously losing mental sharpness could also be related to malnutrition but another side-effect of ect is memory loss and I’m worried it’s related to that. I don’t have a direct number to my psychiatrist but I could probably reach out to the agency he works for and find a way to connect with him to talk about this.

The other thing I’ve been experiencing is (and again I have no idea if this related to ect or my ed) is that the past few times I’ve had ect waking up from the anesthesia has been an absolutely horrible experience. Because I’m still kind of out of it at first I’m not fully aware of exactly what is happening. I did have ect this morning and as the anesthesia was wearing off what I remember is that I couldn’t stop shaking and the shaking was really intense. I think I was also struggling to breath. I remember they put a cold compress on my head, gave me a cup of juice, and had me eat a muffin. As I became more fully aware I started to feel better but they still had me sit in a wheelchair when it was time for me to leave and walk out to my ride. I’ve never had to do that before.

So in addition to the other things I am experiencing I’m worried about these too. I’m beginning to wonder if it might be time to stop ect. That’s really scary since I feel like in some ways it helps but I also don’t want to lose any brain functioning.

[somediyprojects]

The Tapestree Project is a memory cloth/tapestry stitched and designed by Rachel Samek (née Piso). This is an ongoing project in which she documents her life in cross-stitch. She stitches memories, current events, and anything that especially interests her. She keeps an online journal to recount why she chose certain motifs. The tapestree is stitched on 45ct. ivory Graziano linen with a range cotton embroidery thread. The cloth measures about three feet wide by two feet high.

[Reddit | Blog | Instagram | Facebook | Tumblr | Twitter]

Descriptions under the cut.

pics 1 & 2— I stitched these little gold scissors this week to remember the foggy, intense few months immediately following the birth of my boys. If you knew me around that time, you know that when I was just about 7 months pregnant, I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and received an emergency C-section at 31 weeks. All three guys were incredibly tiny (Charlie was 2 lb 12 oz) and as expected, they would go on to spend long (long, long) stretches in the NICU. Also expectedly, I was a wild mess. I was spending long days at the hospital in the middle of winter, feeling powerless, and as a result, I was killing myself trying to pump enough to keep up with three infants. During those delirious nights of waking up every few hours, I would collapse in front of Hulu (probably rewatching The Handmaid's Tale) and Hulu would do what Hulu did best: repeat the exact same commercial every 20 minutes. During those first weeks, that commercial was a trailer for the upcoming horror movie "Us." The score of the two-minute trailer is so unsettling that even though I would sometimes scramble to switch it off, it was also weirdly comforting to be shocked out of my weepy, helpless state of zombiehood. This came with the price of scaring myself shitless when I had to walk back to bed at 3 AM with the slowed-down, beefed up version of "I Got 5 On It" on repeat in my head. These scissors, a symbol from the movie, represent those weird, difficult postpartum nights. Whenever I hear the first few chords from the trailer, I'm immediately back in 2019, freezing cold on our old couch, fully panicked at life.

pics 3 & 4— I added more hairwork to my tapestree! Last fall, I cross stitched a tiny design using my boys’ hair. I tried again this weekend, using my own hair to make this equally tiny bird. One of the questions I get a lot with this project is whether I get burned out working on the same thing for so long. Yes, I get sick of it, mostly due to the pressure I put on myself to include things (like current events) out of obligation. This bird was one way to bring “me” back into it. If you know anything about the Victorians, you know that they loved crafting with hair. One way was braiding a lock and placing it in a book with a poem underneath—creating an ode to a person’s essence. Since it was fashionable to be sentimental, they made similar keepsakes as jewelry and other textile art. I’ve talked in the past about how much of a nightmare it is working with hair, but if you’re interested in seeing my process, you can find a highlight on my page that covers my last attempt. I also included a picture of the back of my stitching (first time ever!) so you can see the ridiculous knot it creates.

pics 5-7— I have a new tapestree addition! It's the weird little quilt at the very bottom! I have a bin in our basement with a bunch of the boys' preemie onesies. I have plans to make a quilt with them, but since that probably won't happen for another 20 years, I wanted to add something small to my tapestree. Half of the quilt blocks are snipped from the clothes with patterns that have the strongest memories of the boys being in the hospital (the white parts are fabric, for example). The rest is filled in with solid cross stitch. It's been a crazy few weeks! I recently started working full time again (from home, fortunately!) and we're starting to plan the boys' third birthday on December 14th. I can't believe it.🤍