#harry is the only ‘ex’ she is truly super nice to

[hshouse]

As you said you have so many thoughts on Taylor's songs I wanna ask what are your thoughts on out of the woods? I mean it's a very intense song and very well written and Taylor still connects to that song. She wore that outfit even in LWYMMD. So you really think that being with Harry gave her anxiety? As she said this song is about that? And this song is definitely about harry as there are direct references.

Hi bby,

First, I loveeee OOTW. I don’t have a set theory on what exactly happened between them. As in, I think the songs are about him, but I don’t think they dated (obvs). I think she may have signed up for bearding w/o any clue of how messy it will be. To me all the songs that are about him feel like she is sad for him? like they are never mean to him, they never blame him in angry way. It’s always like this didn’t work but you are nice and you’re okay and it will be fine. OOTW is to me very clearly about the insanity that ensued dec 2012 and how it was so fucked up and she was the one that had to be like “harry its gonna be ok take a breathe”

[watchmegetobsessed]

Don’t Worry - Harry Styles

a/n: i’m so excited about this!!! this fic is my take on the song Don’t Worry by The 1975 for @harrystylescherry ‘s Playlist fic challenge! it took me a lot longer to finish this one, mostly because i chose to write about a topic that’s painfully close to my heart and life and i hope to help those of you who are struggling with similar problems. it’s a touchy subject and i really hope i can at least help just for a little by putting this piece out! also, huge thanks to Nat for this challenge and i can’t wait to read all the other fics!!

warning: eating disorder, lots of self-hatred but even more fluff and love!

word count: 3.8k

masterlist

Your teeth sink into your bottom lip a little harder than they should, it’s starting to feel painful but you don’t even realize. You’re way too fixated on the Instagram post in front of you, swiping through the same four pictures over and over again, crippling anxiety crawling up your spine, clouding your every thought.

Oh how you wish you could say that you’re not the jealous type. Well, in a way, you are not. You don’t think your boyfriend would ever cheat on you or leave you, that’s just not him as a person. Your jealousy roots in your insecurities about your body and it creates more of a confusion in your head about why Harry, your boyfriend of three years is really dating you when he could have anyone, any model or super gorgeous singer, actress out there, yet he settled for… you.

Your thumb swipes across the screen again as you keep staring at the bikini photos Kendall Jenner has recently posted. She is stunning, the perfect model type with her long legs, skinny torso and snatched waist. Hell, she could make you question your sexuality on other days even, but today she is feeding your burning insecurities.

The thought that at one point in life, your boyfriend was with her makes you feel sick, because you are simply nothing like her. In every sense, you are what others like to call curvy, however you often use other terms, some not too nice ones on your worse days. Your hips are wide, holding quite some meat on them, your full thighs never heard of such thing as thigh gaps, not even when you were a kid. Your tummy brings you a headache sometimes when you want to wear something tight, the urge to hide it stronger than your fashion sense. It’s been ages since you last dared to step out of the house without a bra on, your full breasts always need the support if you don’t want them to sit a little lower on your chest than what you prefer. There are rolls, extra skin, stretch marks and all that jazz on your body and has been for a long time. No model looks like this and you are more than aware of that. But if your boyfriend can get any of them, why did he settle for you?

Tears are threatening to roll down your cheeks when you finally close the app and stop staring at Kendall’s perfect body. You ball your hands to stop them from shaking as you make your way to the bathroom in need of some freshening up. The cold water in your face feels nice, but the moment your eyes fall on your reflection you almost cringe at your own sight, as if it’s a reminder of everything you thought about in the past hour.

What is Harry doing with someone like me? The question keeps playing in your head on repeat and you wish you had a relevant answer, but your tainted thoughts keep bringing you back to the same point: He surely will realize it himself and leave me.

You try your best to shake it all off your mind, but it’s not easy. Sitting at the dining table you busy yourself with some work you brought home, hoping the files will keep your wandering thoughts at bay, however the attempt is not quite successful. And then you hear the front door open and close, followed by Harry’s sweet greeting.

“I’m home, baby!” he calls out and you can tell he is in a great mood just from his voice. You force your best fake smile to your lips, not wanting to ruin his mood with your petty party. He walks in, eyes falling on your sitting figure at the table and though you don’t know it, his heart flutters, like always, even after three years together.

Harry is obsessed with you, to say the least. Every little thing about you fascinates him, he loves everything about you, inside and out, just the way you are and he vowed to never stop telling you how much he adorns you.

“Hey there, wha’cha doin’?” he asks, kissing into your hair as he scans over the papers on the table.

“Oh, just… some extra work,” you shrug, chewing on your bottom lip again, the skin is about to break soon for sure.

“Baby, you work too much. Take some time off,” he tells you, shuffling around before he disappears in the bedroom for a moment before reappearing. “Fancy taking a bath with me?” he offers with a cheeky smile.

Bath, for that you’d have to be completely naked in front of him. That cannot happen in this state of mind.

“Um, I want to finish this. Maybe next time,” you tell him with a faint smile.

“You sure? I could massage your shoulders the way you like it so much, we could try that new bath salt we bought.”

“I really want to get this done, H. You just go and enjoy your bath,” you insist, the stern voice catches him a little by surprise.

“Everything alright baby?” His eyebrows pull together as he watches you from across the room.

“Mm, everything is fine. Just… working,” you tell him, eyes on the papers in front of you, pretending like you’re reading the lines, but in reality you have absolutely no idea what the words are saying. You hear him mumble a soft alright before he disappears again, leaving you alone.

A shaky breath leaves your trembling lips once you hear the water running in the bathroom. You bury your face in your palms, feeling so defeated and lost, the only thing that would comfort you would be Harry, but he cannot know what’s been going on in your head. He would never understand the struggle.

These thoughts usually only last for a few days. You always manage to forget about them eventually and return to normality, but not this time. Days turn into weeks and you find yourself sinking deeper into the hole you created for yourself. It starts to effect more parts of your life too. You’re having a hard time sleeping, always waking up several times during the night and sometimes you don’t even fall back asleep after one point. You lose your appetite, your mind tells you that you don’t need the nutritious food, that you need to lose the fat because that’s the only way you can keep Harry. You stop wearing your favorite clothes, always opt for the looser ones that hide every inch of your body and spend way too much time zoned out. You keep catching yourself completely lost in your thoughts during the day, thinking about how Harry might be comparing you to his exes every time he sees you, especially naked.

It’s been long since the last time you were intimate with Harry and you feel so bad for it, but you haven’t been able to bring yourself to bare your body in front of him. You always blew him off with some lame excuse and though there’s a chance he didn’t catch onto whatever was going on, now you know he is suspicious.

And you’re right. Harry notices every little thing, all the changes you’ve been going through. How you leave half your plate uneaten at dinner or how he finds you lying awake next to him in the middle of the night. He also notices how your favorite dresses and shirts remain untouched through the weeks even though you always wear them whenever you have the chance. Instead, he only sees you in big hoodies and loose pants, hiding the delicious curves of your body. But what truly pains him is how you’ve been ignoring all his tries to get close to you, the way you move away from his touch.

The last straw however happens on a Friday afternoon. You are sitting on the couch, mindlessly clicking through Netflix on the TV, trying to find something to watch when Harry is roaming through the cabinets in the bathroom, looking for the lotion he only uses when his skin feels extremely dry. He is going through every drawer and shelf, not finding what he is looking for, but then something odd catches his attention. Some weird named pills are sitting at the back of one of the shelves, hidden behind your perfumes so he hasn’t noticed it, but as he takes it out to have a better look at them, he almost throws them across the room. He has heard of similar pills before, they do more harm than help in weightloss, ruining your digestive system so badly you can actually get way more serious health problems if you use them too long. He frantically tears the box open and see that one third of the pills are gone, meaning that you’ve been taking them for a little while now behind his back.

With the box in his hand, he marches out to the living room where you are still and holding the pills up, he needs everything in him not to flip immediately.

“What the fuck are these?” he grits through his teeth. Your breath gets caught in your throat, he was never supposed to find those, but the cat’s out of the bad and now you can’t think of anything to bring up to your defense, knowing well he very much does not approve these kind of stuff.

“They are… I’m doing a cleanse,” you say, but there’s no use to lie.

“Drinking juice is for cleansing, this shit ruins your body,” he spats, throwing the box to the couch and you bite into your bottom lip, feeling the tears building up already. “Why would you even think about taking these?”

“Why?” you chuckle bitterly, your vision blurry from the tears. “Oh come on, don’t be so oblivious.”

“Y/N, these stuff are dangerous!” his anger turns into despair and concern as he sits beside you on the couch. “Baby, why did you take them?”

“Because I’m desperate, Harry!” you snap at him, the hot tears running down your cheeks. “You have no idea what I go through every fucking day!”

“Then talk to me! I want to know everything, I want to help you!” he pleads, reaching for your hand but you move away from him. “Please talk to me, baby!”

“So you can feed me lies? I’m not naïve, Harry,” you shake your head vigorously.

“What are you talking about?”

“Me! I’m talking about… this,” you growl gesturing at yourself. Harry runs his gaze down your body, but he still can’t figure out what this is about. You look beautiful, you always do in his eyes, he has no idea what the matter is. “I’m not one of your exes and all those models you’ve been rumored to date, Harry.”

“Okay and why is that relevant?”

“Because how am I the right person for someone like you? I’m not skinny, I’m not pretty and I’ll probably never be anything like the girls you dated. Why are you even wasting your time on me?”

By the time you get to the end, your tears are flooding and it breaks Harry’s heart to see you like this. Feeling so unworthy when in his eyes, you deserve everything. You’re perfect.

“I’m not wasting anything on you, baby. Why do you even want to look like them? I love every inch of your beautiful body!”

You flinch at his words. Deep down you know he means them, but there’s this barricade on your mind that tells you he is not serious, that he is only saying those things because he feels like he has to say them, not because he means them. That evil little voice in your head keeps telling you not to believe anything he says.

How could he love your body? How could a man like him be okay with someone like you? He doesn’t want to be with you. He’ll realize it and leave you!

You wish you could turn it off, you wish there was a switch that would shut out all these thoughts, but they just keep coming and coming. Harry watches you break right in front of his eyes and he has no idea what to do, panic is setting in. He feels like a failure that he let you reach this point.

“Baby, I fucking love you. Everything about you. Please don’t feel like you have to change for me. I love you no matter what, I think you are the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen. If you want to change, do it because you want to do it for yourself! You don’t have to change for me!”

He is practically begging, desperate to get you to understand that you’re perfect to him just the way you are, that he is in love with every inch of your beautiful body. He reaches out to your face again and though you move away again and it pains him so much, he still goes through with the action and cups your face in his hand. His clammy palm meets your wet cheek as he turns your head so he can look into your eyes, but you are relentlessly keeping your gaze focused anywhere but him.

You can’t bear looking at him or yourself, you just want to disappear, vanish into nothing, existence right now feels like just too much.

“Love, please look at me,” he quietly begs and you shake your head no. “Please, let me see those beautiful eyes I love so much.”

You wince at his words and try to turn your head away, but he cups the other side of your face with his other hand, keeping it in place. Your eyes are wired shut, you just can’t look at him, it would break you.

Harry is kneeling next to the couch now where you are curled up, your arms wrapped around your knees as you try to hide yourself. You feel so lost, so miserable and you wish he didn’t see you like this.

“I can’t, Harry. I can’t,” you tell him shaking your head vigorously. Part of you feels so stupid for acting like this, but you just can’t help it. It’s not you anymore who is in charge of your mind and actions, you feel more like just a witness who sees herself from the outside and she doesn’t like what she sees, not even a bit.

Harry pushes himself up from the ground and takes the thick blanket from the back of the couch, draping it over you as he shimmies himself next to you, arms wrapping around your frame as he pulls you to his chest, covering you with the warm blanket as if it was some kind of shield from the world and that’s exactly what you need. A hiding spot.

You let him pull you to him, face buried into his chest as you sob into his shirt, his strong arms holding you so tight, you feel like nothing can hurt you with his hold around you.

“I love you, baby. I really do. And when I tell you I find you gorgeous and that how pretty I think you are, that’s the truth. I love everything about you. Fell in love with you the first time I saw you and I’m not even joking. Please don’t ever think that you have to change for me.”

“But I can’t stop thinking about how I’m so different from the people you’ve dated,” you whimper shaking your head. His hands squeeze your upper arm as he kisses the crown of your head.

“Different is not bad, baby. I didn’t date my previous girlfriends because they looked the way they did. If I’m thinking about it, I should feel a little offended you think I’m so shallow to care about these stuff,” he jokes, earning a faint huff that’s somewhat a laugh from you.

“I just think that you’re not blind.”

“That is correct,” he chuckles. “I’m not blind, that’s why I find you so incredibly sexy.”

“I really don’t see how you can use the word sexy to describe me,” you mumble closing your eyes as a headache is starting to form from how hard you were crying just a minute ago.

“What do you think there is on you that I shouldn’t find attractive?” he prompts the question in all seriousness.

“Please don’t get me started because we’ll never get to the end of the list,” you huff bitterly. It might have come out as a joke but there’s just plenty of the truth behind your words.

“No, seriously. Tell me what you think I don’t find attractive on you,” he nags and you give up with a sigh.

“Okay, I… I have fat rolls on my stomach,” you start off with the first thing that’s on your mind.

“Everyone has them.”

“But not as big as mine. Yours aren’t as big as mine.”

“So what? I love your tummy. It’s soft, keeps your organs safe, especially the ones that will help us start a family at one point. For me, your tummy means that you are enjoying the wonderful foods of the world, that you are well and have a great appetite. I fucking hate it when girls are just poking around their salads, complaining about calories and all that stuff. Do you have any idea how much I enjoy watching you eat? I think it might be a fetish at this point,” he chuckles, making you laugh as you hide your face in his chest.

“Please don’t say that.”

“Why? I love it when you enjoy the food, I love trying new food with you, cooking with you, see you satisfied when you’re full, you have no idea how happy that makes me.”

“Really?” you ask in a whisper.

“Absolutely. I love your tummy, it’s just even more of you to love on,” he hums kissing the top of your head. “Okay, what’s next?”

“I have so many stretch marks,” you whine with a scowl. “They are everywhere, on my thighs, my ass, my stomach, fucking everywhere!”

“I literally have nothing else to say than… I couldn’t care less. Honestly, most people have them, baby. It’s natural, your body is changing, it’s just trying to keep up with the pace. But you know what I’m looking forward to?”

“What?”

“I can’t wait till you have marks from pregnancy, Love,” he huffs dreamily and you can’t help, but smile at his words. “Those marks will be a reminder to me how much you’ve gone through for our family. I think those are just so wonderful.”

“Why are you linking everything with having babies?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” he asks chuckling. “Because I can’t wait to have babies with you. I can’t wait to see you with a big belly, so I can love on you, take care of you and that our babies, I’m so excited for that.”

“You want all of that… with me?”

“Have I not made it clear to you?” he asks, looking down at you and moving your head your eyes finally meet his. “I’m not just saying all those things for nothing, Love. I see my future with you.”

Closing your eyes you let his words sink in and for the first time in a while, your mind is not trying to convince you that he is not telling you the truth.

“Okay, next,” he mumbles, his fingers dancing up and down your arm as he holds you tight.

“My boobs are weird,” you say out loud, cringing at your own words. You hate talking about this.

“Excuse me? What’s wrong with my girls?” he gasps, making you laugh.

“They are not as round as I would want them to be, a little saggy because of the weight gaining.”

“But they are boobs,” he points out, making you furrow your eyebrows.

“Yeah?”

“Okay, so that’s all that matters. Boobs are great, nothing else matters. Men are simple, baby.”

“I can’t believe you,” you laugh swatting his chest playfully.

“What? I mean it! Do you think I think about all that stuff when I see your boobs? My mind goes: Oh my God, boobs! And that’s it. I just get excited to see your tits.”

“You are such a pig,” you laugh, snuggling closer to his side.

“Are you shaming me for my preferences now?”

“Your preferences?”

“Yeah, you are my preference,” he remarks smugly, kissing into your hair again. “I literally don’t know how to say it differently, and I’m sorry for being so vulgar in advance…”

“Oh God,” you mumble, already fearing what he’s going to say.

“But you have nothing to worry about until you see my dick getting hard at the sight of you.”

“That was highly inappropriate.”

“Yeah, but it’s true. I find you sexy and there’s evidence. I can’t really hide it,” he chuckles and when you look up at him you see a dirty, twisted smirk on his pink lips. “Please don’t ever doubt any of my feelings for you, alright?” he asks in a more serious tone. “And if you feel like this again, I want you to tell me. Those pills and bottling it up inside you don’t help. I don’t want you to risk your health just because you have doubts about me. I love you, and when I say that I mean that I love all of you. Everything.”

“Okay,” you answer in a faint whisper.

“Don’t just say okay because you want me to get out of your hair. Promise me that you won’t keep it to yourself. I want to help you, I want to be there for you like you are always there for me.”

“I promise,” you nod, sinking your teeth into your bottom lip.

“Alright. Have you eaten today?” he softly asks and you fear to give him an answer, because you haven’t been able to push anything else down than just your morning coffee. “Okay, then let me make you something.” “I don’t… I’m not hungry…” you quietly tell him.

“Mhm, then I’ll make something for myself and being the romantic boyfriend that I am, I’m gonna share it with my lovely girlfriend as a cute gesture,” he says, rephrasing what he said earlier. You don’t argue with him, just let him slip out of your hold and go to the kitchen to make something for the two of you.

It’s a tiny step on a lifelong journey and you know that. You know that your feelings and opinion about yourself won’t change from one day to the other, but you slowly start to accept it. You have a lot ahead of you, the road might get bumpy sometimes and maybe other times you’ll have to take a few steps back. But at the end, you know it’s all going to be alright, because you will never be alone. Harry will be your greatest support through it all and now you can finally see that.

Don’t Worry - The 1975

When you're in love but you don't know what to do with it When blackness hangs overhead like a cloud

Don't worry, darlin' 'Cause I'm here with you Don't worry, darlin' The sun will shine through

When you wake up and you don't know what day it is When the pain flows through your heart and your bones

Don't worry, darlin' 'Cause I'm here with you Don't worry, darlin' The sun will shine through

When you feel no one knows just what you're goin' through When your insides feel much colder than snow

Don't worry, darlin' 'Cause I'm here with you Don't worry, darlin' Oh, don't worry, darlin' Don't worry, darlin' I'll always love you You

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

[dizzydancingdreamer]

Dizzy’s Mood Boards of 2020

Honestly I figured out the perfect way to end 2020 and that’s by posting all of my favourite mood boards from this year! Y’all know I LOVE adding them to my fics for a bit of pizazz so let’s review some of them!

Note: This is just for a bit of fun, not in anyway meant to toot my own horn, I just love colourful, fun things and I add these because I hope you all do as well! They’re 110% meant as a fun way to spice up the writing and nothing more!

So, without further ado...

1. Everything, Everywhere | The Mikaelson Boys

Let’s start with my favourite! Honestly I just love blue and gold and something about this makes me want to run away?? I mean that was the whole point of this fic so, well, that worked out extremely well??? I swear I just mess around with Pinterest aesthetics and hope for the best! I do like this one though, it gives me beauty and the beast vibes. :)

2. I Need You | The Mikaelson Boys

I added this as my second favourite because if you look at the picture of the fire station it says “Fire Station 32”. Well I wrote this fic before I even made the mood board- I always do that because I never know where the story will go- but when I was looking up aesthetics for the board I stumbled across that picture and almost had a full blown heart attack. In my story I mention they’re at station 32. I have no idea why my subconscious picked that number but I rolled with it, only to stumble across that picture without even searching for it specifically. I was like no way it worked out this perfectly??? I swear sometimes I forget I was raised in a family of mediums and that made me smile when it happened. Literally added this just to say that there’s magic and energy everywhere, even in the little things.

3. Bubblegum Princess, Cherry Angel | Kai Parker

This is my newest one and I just love how soft it is and the way Kai’s face and the angel are facing the same way. It kinda makes me feel like he’s looking at her and she’s just so lost in her little bubblegum world that she can’t see how he sees her. It’s full of longing and sweetness, both things he’s not used to but deserves in my opinion. The way the quotes seem like they could be one makes me happy. I also love the kinda retro vibe?? I mean baby is from the 80′s and it all just came together so nicely!

4. The Daughter of Aphrodite | Leo Valdez

It’s just so colourful! I really have nothing more to say, I just loved how sweet and summery it came out! It matches the vibe of the fic perfectly, from the lemonade to the muddy hands to Leo’s brown eyes. It was *chefs kiss* perfecto! This was also a milestone fic; my first third person! I adore it! :)

5. What Am I | Kol Mikaelson

I like this one specifically for how the white and red contrast in the corners. It’s super symmetrical and the color scheme came out so well. I love the quotes, I think they’re perfect for Kol. This is one of my latest boards and I like comparing my first boards to my last ones because I can really see where I’ve improved! That’s another reason why I’m doing this, to show how even in small ways we have all improved this year and each little moment of growth is amazing.

6. Little Witch | The Mikaelson Boys

This one was especially special to me. My twin had made me watch all the Harry Potter movies with him and I had this idea while watching the fourth movie. I’m a Hufflepuff and I just honestly thought it was cute; the yellow and black contrast super well. I think when I don’t know what to do I try to create a focal point and the yellow scarf was perfect. Also can we talk about Klaus’ smile???

7. Best Friend Things | Kol Mikaelson

I really only like this one because it’s a good picture of Kol. I remember what I was trying to do and I think I hit the mood marginally well; a touch retro but full of tainted youth and troubled sweetness. The quote is one of my favourites of all times though: “It’s been very rare to have known you, very strange and wonderful.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald. I think it fit the fic and him perfectly.

8. “So that’s how you want to play this, love?” | The Mikaelson Boys

That picture of Kol makes me feel too many things. So does the one of the suit sleeves. I am truly a glutton for making myself pine after things I cannot have. Honestly, though, I really liked the contrast of the black and white and the orange. It fit very well with the theme I was going for- like bottling up all your emotions and then just exploding. Also the text was funny and fit too well. It’s straight up the exchange in the fic.

9. Big Decisions | The Mikaelson Boys 

I like this for many reasons but the most important of which is the contrast between the guys and the flurry of the ball. They’re shrouded in black but everything around them- especially her- is colourful; full of life and warmth and movement. The bottom left picture has my whole heart. I didn’t envision this ball as an Austen inspired, 1700′s ball but I can admit I like the idea. I would love to experience the movement of that second last image; champagne in your veins, your vision a tad blurry, and being twirled by a handsome man- or three!

10. Come Back | The Mikaelson Boys

I just wanted to point out a few things from this one. I really liked how it came out with Kol and Klaus looking one way and Elijah looking the other way and how he’s the only one smiling. I liked the orange, fiery contrast to the rest of the pictures; like the hot water from the fic. I also think this is another one where the quotes just really fit the circumstance. I wrote this when I was in this really low, heartbroken state. It’s actually about an ex of mine- not dead, just feels that way sometimes- and this helped me all pool how I felt together. 

So there we have it, some of my 2020 mood boards. I hope you enjoyed!

[ileolai]

to add: this isn’t jk’s first instance of blatant transphobia. she’s been doing this shit for nearly a decade, long before terfs had metastasized across all of mainstream social media. she only got away with it so far because until recently about three people had read her shitty crime novels.

as to whether she was once ~a nice person who fell in with a bad crowd~ ... the bigotry is reason enough to write her off, but that’s not the only troubling aspect of her books we can discuss. the weird slavery sub plot, the fact her only gay character had to choose celibacy to redeem himself of his evil ex, you could write essays about that stuff alone.

even at the age of 13-14 i thought the child abuse depicted in her books was utterly gratuitous and off-putting, and the fact that one of harry’s primary abusers [there were so many, what the fuck!!] ascended to hero status is really telling. Like it wasn’t just bad writing to put severus snape on a pedestal in the end. it speaks to her worldview, her conception of abuse and abuse victims, and a total disconnect from the audience she was writing to.

perhaps this is hard to accept bc it speaks to our own cultural brainwashing that we didn’t see the bigotry and cynical mean-spirited subtext for what it was way back when, but it was always there. she’s basically the female joss whedon. she was never a cuddly progressive who truly sympathized with her lgbtq audience or the kind of lost kid that got deeply invested in her work. we, collectively, super-imposed that image over her work bc we assumed she sympathized with her own characters as we did.

and that’s fine. you can’t expect anything more of ten year olds. but it’s time to see her recent work for what it actually is. the end result of being massively rewarded and enabled for the shit she’s been doing for decades already.

[cultofbeatles]

beginners guide to the beatles

 made one of these a long time ago but i'm surprised by how short it was. so here we go again. doing it right this time lol. 

pov: you told a bad joke and now the beatles are judging you. 

john winston lennon. later in his life known as john winston ono lennon. 

born on october 9, 1940 

i believe in astrology bc how does john just happen to be a libra 

when john was four he started living with his aunt mimi who acted more as his mother figure 

his mother, julia, remarried and would visit him quite a bit.

it was julia who taught john how to play banjo and piano. and she bought his first guitar.

they both had a deep love for music and rock n roll 

he never really thought of her as his mother but more as a cool friend i suppose 

aunt mimi was more rough on him and did the disciplining 

his father was never really present growing up and his uncle passed away when he was young 

he thought he was a curse for the men in his family 

he had five half siblings. two of them, julia and jacqueline, he was pretty close to. the other three he barely knew. 

fashion icon.

hated school but loved art 

very early on he was insecure with himself 

teachers always shit on him and said he would go nowhere in life 

he met paul at a church fete on july 6, 1957 

paul taught him how to play guitar properly.

once told paul that he didnt know how paul carried on after his mother died bc he just didn't think he could do it 

john’s mother died from being hit by an off duty policemen. john was seventeen at the time. 

 he took her death really hard and became a bit of a recluse. 

first serious relationship was with cynthia (we stan her) 

once cynthia cut her hair short and he didn't talk to her for two days. 

hate men. kill all men. 

when he asked her to dance at a party she turned him down saying that she was engaged, and so he said “well i didn't ask you to fucking marry me, did i?” 

slapped her once bc he was drunk and another boy was talking to her.

only time her hit her.

read cynthia’s books about john pls. i beg. 

once a psychic told him that he would be shot in the states.

founder of the beatles and also came up with the name.

instruments he could play: guitar, harmonica, rhythm guitar, banjo, keyboard, piano, saxophone, bass guitar, and a little drums. 

main songwriter in the beatles along with paul.

was more open minded to change in the beatles music. 

was insecure in his relationship with paul after a while bc he thought he only needed him for songwriting. 

would bitch about paul all day long but the second anyone else said something about him he’d be on their ass. 

had a lot of issues and needed a good hug. 

suffered from eating disorders, drug addictions, depression, insecurities, and questioned his sexuality bc of the time. 

was super open minded and ahead of his time in many instances. 

once he was called “the fat beatle” and after that he stopped eating as much.

truly loved his first son, julian lennon, and would buy him presents all the time bc he was excited to see him play with them.

“your famous ex husband”

he enjoyed playing monopoly. 

he once claimed that he saw a ufo.

he had written three books but he always wanted to write a children's book.

 the last song he ever performed in front of a live audience was “i saw her standing there.” with elton john.

he was afraid of the dark. 

found out later in his life that he was dyslexic. 

was also legally blind without glasses.

never could catch a break huh.

said that his best lyric ever was “all you need is love” i agree.

the first time yoko and john met was not at her art exhibit but actually when she approached him about giving away songs for free.

wanted to write a musical with paul. 

once a friend dared him to masturbate ten times in one day and he managed to do it nine times.

would hold circle jerks with paul and a few other friends. 

just dudes being dudes. 

went on a holiday with brian epstein, who was gay, and told some people afterward that they did certain sexual things. but we will never know for sure.

yoko says that john was bisexual.

once in an interview he said that he would of married a rich man or woman if he wasn't in the beatles. 

hated his voice on records. would always ask for effects on his voice for final recordings. 

made a film with yoko where it was just his penis going from flaccid to erect for fifteen minutes in slow motion. 

only beatle not to of become a vegetarian while he was alive. 

murdered on december 8, 1980.

gave his autograph earlier in the day to the man who would murder him.

died at the age of 40.

“all my loving” was played while he was at the hospital.

and its spooky bc a lot of times in interviews he would say “when i'm 40..” 

and it’s sad bc he was finally becoming who he truly wanted to be. 

honorable john moments that i love:

“thanks for the purpler hearts” he says while receiving the silver heart 

“you are the first person from liverpool that i've ever seen” “great”

eric lennon on my mind today 

this come together performance where he messed up the lyrics lol

that interview where paul was sick and john keep checking on him 

john lennon speaking nothing but facts 

when he said that he could see the beatles going separate ways but that they'd always come back together.

SHUT UP 

“shut up while he’s talking..”

this interview breaks my heart sometimes 

and this interview is great as well 

sir james paul mccartney 

born on june 18, 1942

if you ever have spare time just check out this man’s natal chart. 

idk how he’s still alive with his chart tbh. 

he has a younger brother named mike and a step sister named ruth. 

his dad thought he was the ugliest baby he’d ever seen when he was born. 

when he was young paul would kill frogs in a way to prepare himself for the war if he ever was drafted. 

the first instrument he ever learned to play was the trumpet.

I don't even want to list every instrument this man can play but trust me when I say it’s a lot.

but for the beatles he mainly did bass, vocals, and piano. sometimes playing the guitar and the drums.

the beatles was just paul moving really, really fast. 

he lost his mother when he was 14 due to surgery for breast cancer.

never really learned how to cope well with loss of a loved one tbh. 

had the cutest chubby cheeks as a kid tbh 

met john and was accepted into his band 

sometimes they'd ditch school together and either work on music or would visit art galleries.

went to paris with john and john bought him all the banana milkshakes that he wanted.

connected over their love and admiration for music, and bc they had both lost their mothers. 

had a girlfriend’s mom who he would make comb his leg hairs. 

was an ass to his first girlfriend.

kill all men again. 

almost had to marry his girlfriend dot bc she was pregnant, but she ended up losing the baby.

was the one who introduced george harrison to john.

practically despised pete best and stuart stutcliffe bc they were bringing the group down. 

got arrested along with pete best bc they lit a condom on fire in hamburg.

still felt awful and a little guilty when stuart died suddenly. 

main force behind the beatles imo. 

without him we’d have not as much beatles music as we do. 

was dating jane asher throughout majority of the sixties. 

when they first met they talked about syrup and paul fell in love.

they broke things off after she walked in on him sleeping with another woman though.

directed magical mystery tour and it was amazing and I don't care what anyone says ok?

when john divorced cynthia he was the only one not scared of john and went against his wishes of not speaking to cynthia.

was a little controlling at times. 

has a good heart though. 

mal evans had to drive him home once after a beatles sessions bc he was crying so hard. 

was talking about getting the band back to touring when john said he was leaving the group. 

everyone kind of turned against him when the beatles were breaking up and i hate it.

he just wanted what was best for the band.

married linda and had a nice little farm. 

we love that story.

linda i'm free thursday if you want to hang out pls.

started up the whole “no meat monday” thing where you don't eat monday on mondays

food meat. not the other kind of meat.

children: james mccartney, stella mccartney, heather mccartney, mary mccartney, and beatrice mccartney. 

rip martha. 

WINGS!! 

he lost linda in 1998 due to cancer.

 cried for a whole year bc of it.

still has dreams about john and says they're nice.

wrote a sad song about john called “here today.”

really loved john. like..he truly, genuinely did. 

want someone to love me like paul does john. 

“think of me every now and then old friend.”

honorable paul moments:

his story about george’s dad 

“john? he was beautiful. very beautiful.”

humpty dumpty rap 

another story about him and george.

his google search video that I watch every week 

this 

george harrison 

born: February 24, 1943 

or at least we think 

bc he use to say that his birthday was february 25, but later started saying it february 24. 

why can't we change our birthdays its not like we picked it 

he was the youngest child.

baby of the family and of the beatles awwww

two older brothers named harry and peter. one older sister named louise.

when george’s mom was pregnant with him she’d play sitar music.

his mom was super supportive of his career choice 

when he was 16 he worked as an electricians apprentice.

his dad kind of hoped he would start a family business out of it.

george said nah

would ride the bus opposite way of his house just to spend time with paul 

headbutted a kid bc he didn't think they were worthy of paul’s friendship 

was brought into the band bc of paul insisting to john 

would follow john around like a lost puppy when he first met him 

once had an eight hour erection. don't ask me how idk he said it.

was 17 when he lost his virginity and the other band members were in the room watching and cheered him when he finished 

most sex craved beatle tbh 

once walked into a girls dressing room and asked if they could stand there so he could masturbate 

he was the first beatle to go to america 

got a black eye for defending ringo once 

would make john and paul take turns sharing rooms with ringo when he first joined the band so that he felt more welcomed 

when ringo left during the white album and then came back george decorated the studio with flowers for him 

during the beatles first recording session he told george martin that he didn't like his tie

became a vegetarian at 22 

favorite candy was jelly beans and purple was his favorite color 

used the phrase “grotty” in the hard days night movie, hated it, but everyone else picked up on the slang 

met his first wife, pattie boyd, on the set of a hard days night 

was turned down by her at first 

they married in 1966

wouldn't let her do modeling stuff and was kind of an ass 

a stylish couple but not the best image for a healthy relationship 

got into eastern religion around 1965 

during the Hamburg days he would eat chicken on stage 

had an affair with ringo’s first wife maureen 

got a divorce from pattie in 1977

in 1978 he married olivia who he stayed with until his death and had one son with. dhani.

was the first beatle to hit a number one single and album. 

was buddies with led zeppelin

inspired their “rain song” 

smashed a piece of cake on john bonham’s head and then was thrown into the pool by him 

he financed and produced films. had a production company.

tom petty said that george never shut up once you started talking to him 

but he was often referred to as “the quiet beatle”

formed another band called the traveling wilburys

he’d answer questions online in the 2000′s and it’s the cutest thing ever and his answers break my heart too.

“what do you miss most about john lennon?” “john lennon.”

in 1999 a schizophrenic person broke into his house and stabbed him 40 times 

thank god olivia was there bc she was the only braincell in the room 

had to get a part of his lung taken out 

died november 29, 2001 from lung cancer 

ashes were scattered into the ganges river 

honorable george moments:

this interview he did with ringo 

“i'm sad bc i can't play guitars with john anymore. but i did that...i know we’ll meet again some day.”

when he invented reaction videos 

“the wind was blowing.” “..blowing my girl?”

“what kind of girl do you like?” “john’s wife.”

sir richard starkey aka ringo starr 

born on july 7, 1940 

oldest member in the group 

has no siblings 

naturally was left handed but his grandma thought it was bad luck so he writes right handed, and plays drums with a right handed kit 

but does everything else left handed

when he was 6 he fell into a two month coma 

was a very sick child 

when he was 13 he was in the hosiptal for tuberculosis and formed a hospital band 

grew up poor 

loves and looked up to his stepfather a lot 

his step father bought him his first drum kit in 1957

wasn't that great in school bc he missed so much of it from being so sick 

he worked for a britain railway for a while 

also served drinks on a day boat for a job 

loves dancing 

Rory storm and the hurricanes 

got his nickname from all the rings he would wear

replaced pete best as the beatles drummer 

dealt with people hating him for a bit bc they liked pete more 

had to style his hair in a bowl cut to be in the band and i'm still mad at them for making him do that shit 

ringo i'm so sorry 

george martin didn't really like his drumming and had a session drummer come in for the first album 

in 1964 he had tonsillitis, pharyngitis, and high fever all at once and had to be in the hospital for a bit.

was worried the beatles would replace him for good 

he’s a cancer don't worry

was the first beatle to try weed 

drummers always go first huh 

married his first wife, maureen, in 1965 

she kissed paul, ringo, and george.

what a champ

honeymoon was ruined by reporters 

was really insecure in his relationship and needed a lot of reassurance 

had a great relationship with pretty much all the beatles 

but a great one with john 

john felt his most relaxed when he was with ringo

was once in a movie with roger daltrey 

divorced maureen in 1975 

his wife now is barbara bach who he married in 1981 

had alcohol problems 

once gotten so drunk that he beat barbara so badly that he thought he killed her 

put himself into rehab after that 

barbara lowkey looks like jan from the office 

children: zak, lee, and jason

zak is the drummer for the band the who 

peace and love 

but don't send me fan mail anymore 

peace and love 

ringo starr and the allstar band (starting 1981)

was the narrator for thomas the tank engine 

will play at paul’s concerts sometimes now for fun 

mad bc he came on stage during paul’s last concert show and it was on my birthday and I couldn't go to it 

honorable ringo moments:

“do you want me to come with you?”

stupid barbara walters 

talking about paul 

giving us a little dance 

[nctsiren]

Thank you for turning on anon uwu for the ask game thingy can I ask these for all of the girls? daydreams, caress, ivory, golden, freckles, twilight, poppy, clouds, roses, lollipop, dimples, whisper, pencil, honey, velvet, strawberry, kiss, shampoo, lace, sapphos?

hewwo anon!!! thank u for requesting!! i’m sorry it’s late :(( hope you enjoy, nonetheless!! i enjoyed writing it 🥺

daydream-

hyeyoung: “i think i’ll say joan jett or debbie harry!! i admire them a lot, i love their music, and i think it’d be fun to be a rock singer.”

mila: “i think it’d be nice to be beetle. i’ve always wondered how his mind works. being a dog seems cool”

evie was answered in my other post!!

jimin: “seulgi unnie!! i’ve always wondered what it would feel like to be perfect ;)”

caress-

hyeyoung: “i love to snuggle... i like when johnny lays between my legs with his head on my chest. it makes me so happy.”

mila: “yes... but i play hard to get with some of the wayv members. i feel at ease cuddling with ten.”

evie was answered in my other post!!

jimin: “there are hundreds of youtube comps of me being snuggly and affectionate .. i just love my members”

ivory-

hyeyoung: “i wear matching sets. like the pants and the button up shirt? or the silk/satin shorts and matching tank tops. i love cute pajamas, i always have.”

mila: “i usually wear a sports bra and boxers or shorts.”

evie: “big shirt and my underwear.”

jimin: “usually a big hoodie and shorts!”

golden-

hyeyoung: “i cannot choose!! i own lots of stationary, and i scrapbook, as well.”

mila: “i’m not really a stationary person. just gimme some lined paper and i am all good.”

evie: “i love a good pen.”

jimin: “AHH i’m a sucker for the cute stationary cards. i like writing letters and notes”

freckles-

hyeyoung: “honestly, i have a pair of black cigarette pants that i love to pieces. i wear them often- they just go with everything and are so comfortable!”

mila: “i... honestly probably this hoodie i stole from lucas. it’s super big and comfy. if i don’t wear it at certain times i feel like something bad will happen ://“

evie: “i have this big, chunky grandpa sweater that’s striped and i wear it to the point where it might start falling apart.”

jimin: “it’s not really a clothing item, but i’ve worn the lily necklace chenle gave me every day since i got it. and my necklace that’s just my name, jimin, in cursive.”

twilight (this is their best friend outside of the other girls)-

hyeyoung: “i know it’s cheesy, but johnny, for obvious reasons... i’m also quite close to irene unnie, as well as jaehyun and taeyong. it’s hard for me to pick.”

mila: “ten.”

evie: “i legitimately cannot pick outside of the girls... maybe lucas... or yuta... or doyo... i don’t fucking know.”

jimin: “chenle- i’m stuck with him.”

poppy-

hyeyoung: “pink. i’m not even much of a pink girl, but pastel pink is lovely.”

mila: “is... pastel orange a thing? i see it in my mind, but i don’t know if anyone else can.”

evie: “green. green is my favorite color in general, all shades.”

jimin: “lavender and periwinkle are my favorite colors outside of grey and white.”

clouds-

hyeyoung: “it was me alone in a practice room, but the room had large windows in it and it was so light. i was dancing- there was no music playling, but i still was. i felt so happy, and i stopped after twirling because johnny had arrived and he just smiled at me with so much love in his eyes.”

mila: “i honestly don’t remember my dreams, but i remember how i felt during them?”

evie was answered in my other post!!

jimin: “all of my dreams are weird and i don’t have a favorite because they’re too bizarre to enjoy.”

roses-

hyeyoung: “red roses... my late grandma, who was the person i loved most in the world, loved red roses.”

mila: “i think... tulips.”

evie was answered in my other post!!

jimin: “lilies, but not because of my name. my loved ones give them to me because of my name, but i love them because i receive them from my loved ones LMAO”

lollipop-

hyeyoung: “lipstick is my favorite. nice reds and pinks. i never go dark with lipstick- only dark eye makeup.”

mila: “i love ALL makeup”

evie: “i kind of hate wearing makeup, but i guess i’d pick eyebrow stuff.”

jimin: “mascara and blush! i like the heavy blush look.”

dimples-

hyeyoung: “my favorite thing is when i see people’s eyes crinkle when they smile. smiles and lips- oh, lips- are so beautiful.”

mila: “i love the variety of expressions that people can show even in a matter of seconds. i love seeing the range of emotions and thoughts on people’s faces.”

evie: “i love noses. all noses. also, i think facial structures are so lovely and unique. everyone is different.”

jimin: “smiles and eyes. i think eyes are so, so beautiful. i’ve never met anyone with eyes that aren’t beautiful. and smiles are heavenly because seeing a person’s joy written on their face is priceless.”

whisper-

hyeyoung: “i usually get the amount you’re supposed to get. i tend to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. my alarm is santeria by sublime, like johnny’s...”

mila: “i have horrible, horrible insomnia and only get a very little amount.”

evie was answered on my other post!! ++ she also will sleep through ANYTHING even her alarms

jimin: “i either get too much or too little.”

pencil-

hyeyoung: “i bullet journal to plan, and i also write down the things that make me anxious during the day so that i can reflect and see what i could do next time to sooth myself more”

mila: “lined notebooks full of songs that i keep in a specific drawer. if i need to get out anything, it escapes my mind in a song”

evie: “my journals are 10% words, 90% drawings.”

jimin: “i have my song journals, but then i have my jimin journals which hold every intimate thought or emotion i have ever felt.”

honey-

hyeyoung: “baby or love. those are what johnny most commonly calls me. he likes to call me angel, too, and that really gets me :) .. we also call each other chipmunk.”

mila: “i used to hate being called lala, but now i love it. it’s also cute when evie calls me baozi, because i call her shumai. i also like bun.”

evie’s is answered on my other post!!

jimin: “uhh... baby, minmin (thanks, jisung), i like when people call me flower too 🥺”

velvet-

hyeyoung: “my first crush? i saw kurt cobain when i was little and thought he was the most handsome man i’d ever seen- i listened to a lot of nirvana growing up. a lot of people don’t expect me to like things like grunge or rock, but it’s very much my style!! im just shy and don’t dress to reflect it.”

mila: “i watched hercules when i was really little and became obsessed with meg. yup. it was the classic ‘i just thought i wanted to be her!’ but nope. gay.”

evie: “i don’t remember?! i think it was when i was in secondary school, because i didn’t like anyone for a while. just this classmate... and i was a cringe little fuck.”

jimin: “the first notable one i remember was when i was in second grade... i was reading twilight and fell in love with edward. yes, i was reading twilight in second grade, yes when i got to breaking dawn my mom didn’t let me read part of the honeymoon. i also had a crush on bella, and to this day, i would be in a throuple with robert pattinson and kristen stewart.”

strawberry-

hyeyoung: “cherries and strawberries, because they taste best covered in chocolate.”

mila: “mangos are so fucking good.”

evie: “grapes are arguably the best fruit and gumdrop grapes are arguably the best kind.”

jimin: “watermelon, bitchesssss”

kiss-

hyeyoung: “i mean, my first kiss was with a boy i was friends with when i was in america. we had both smoked a cigarette before it (i just wanted to try it) so it tasted bad. the other guys i kissed i weren’t proper friends with, and then johnny.”

mila: “um, ive kissed evie, like, when we were dating. i havent kissed many people to be honest...”

evie: “i kissed mila, i’ve kissed lily (a friendly peck), i’ve ALMOST kissed hyeyoung, i’ve kissed some of my guy friends and girl friends predebut- so, yes, i have kissed friends. and people who aren’t friends. i just like to kiss.”

jimin: “... sigh. renjun, chenle, evie, The Ex We Don’t Talk About, yeri (friendly, like with evie), and probably a few other friends in a non-romantic way? i dunno”

shampoo-

hyeyoung: “my favorite scent is johnny’s versace cologne, his shampoo, and his skin. definitely roses. i also love my perfume smell, clean linen, and i love the smell of champagne.”

mila: “i like the smell of cigarettes... YES i know it’s bad, but it calms me down. i’d also pick the smell of rain, or beetle, because he always smells good.”

evie: “the smell of paint and pencils is so comforting. i also like nature smells. when the air smells cold, it’s so nice. and the OCEAN.”

jimin: “home-y smells? laundry, and warm smells... lavender and florals, my perfume, and the smell of summer nights and bonfires. also any of my members.”

lace-

hyeyoung: definitely a dress person, is definitely in love with the classiness and sleeves of that first one, and is definitely happy about how sexy she looks in that second one.

mila: is NOT a dress person and prefers dresses that she can go braless with and are comfortable

evie: this is just Evie and we all know it

jimin: the first one is cute on it’s own AND with a big sweater/sweatshirt over it, and the second one make her feel like she on a european holiday

sapphos-

hyeyoung: “jiminnie :) she writes such beautiful poetry- i’m very thankful that she chose to share some with me!”

mila: “i don’t think i have a favorite poet, to be honest... i like kate bush, though, and i know she’s a singer, but she’s truly a poet.”

evie: “michael faudet. he wrote a series of poetry books, his first is called ‘dirty pretty things’ and it’s really 18+ but i thought it was gorgeous. i have all of his books.”

jimin: “asking me to pick a favorite poet is like asking me to pick a favorite member- can’t do it.”

[jlf23tumble]

My 1D-related fic faves of 2019

I've read a TON of great fic this year in all kinds of fandoms, Jeeeeeeeeeesus, there are so many talented writers out there, but I won't list it all here (or even list everything I bookmarked this year). Instead, I'm gonna stick with 1D-related works released in 2019 that pulled me in hard and made me stare at the wall and/or read again and/or scream about with other people, and I'll try to do it in cutesie number order because WHY NOT make it that extra level of arbitrary, lmao. I love fanfic because no matter what fandom I'm dipping in, something new is gonna jump up and kill me (this year in particular, I've subscribed to a lot of "new to me" writers that I LOVE, and I hope you know who you are [do you know who you are, etc.]). Thank you for the free gifts, for your time, for your blood, sweat, and tears! I owe you hugs, coffee, and my undying love, gratitude, and support! I'll put my list under the cut to avoid some v. v. real screen scroll rage--happy new year, y'all!

2 lactation kink fics

(aka the Jaerie category, nobody else is out there writing this even as Harry's tits get bigger and milkier and why am I the only one fully appreciating all of it?????)

I Think You're Already Home, by jaerie, Seeing Louis Tomlinson today, it would be hard to guess that he was ever once a member of the world's most famous boyband. These days he doesn't even the leave his own house. The truth is he can't leave his own house. (a December gift to remember for all of us! a/b/o dynamics, famous Louis, omega Harry--which is practically canon at this point--crippling agoraphobia, lactation-related sexiness, I would read at least ten (10) more chapters of this)

freaks from the internet, by jaerie. Harry sells his breast milk to freaks on the internet. Louis turns out to be one of those freaks. He also happens to be Harry's ex. (I legit can't believe this came out this year, I rec it all the time! it was anon for forever, and I was low-key obsessed because I just wanted mawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr of it, and I got it, thank CHRIST)

3 fics for meeeeeeee

(These works were gifts to me, and I am so truly hashtag blessed to receive!!!)

I Just Wanna Taste It, by @homosociallyyours​. In his mind it's watermelon and sticky strawberry sweet, and he craves the feeling of his own round, firm belly warm under his hands on a summer evening. (Megan loves to kill me with Harry mpreg imaginings, and this one feels like canon to me!)

Powerless (and I Don't Care It's Obvious), by objectlesson/ @alienfuckeronmain​. He should not be getting turned on by Harry’s full-bladder discomfort, his little twitches, his hips-stuttering. And yet. (AND YET!!! I don't even know where to start with how much I love Phoenix, what a treasure her work is in ANY fandom, how shitty this particular fandom has been to her, how much I'm gonna miss harry/louis fic gifts from her in the future, how HOT this pee kink fic is in general, dot dot dot)

Tuxedo Classic Dance Party, by Blake/ @newleafover​. Instead of flying out to meet his touring boyfriend in Madrid, Louis sticks around to be responsible and do things like dance at Lady Gaga night at the gay cowboy club in West Hollywood. (Blake has written at least five fics in various fandoms that I would say are my favorite fics of all time, but they really topped themselves with this one!)

4 fic series

(I feel like there are probably loads more that qualify, but these ones grabbed me in their own particular way)

Not That Gone, by abrighteryellow/ @a-brighter-yellow​. Louis’s 20-year high school reunion takes a turn when a celebrity classmate – who also happens to be Louis’s long unrequited crush – unexpectedly shows up. (this was inspired by Chris Evans, and both parts stand on their own, tbh)

Maybe I Miss You, by 13ways. Louis is on his way back to London after the Hits Live Birmingham concert. Harry is flying to New York for the Met Gala. They connect. (from the very first story in this series, I was HOOKED, canon angst that builds up to something truly wonderful)

There's something I want to try..., by TheMagicWord. Harry wants to try something. Louis's not convinced. Until he is. (the installments are super short, super hot)

One More Time Again, by orphan_account. On the morning of his second sold-out performance at Madison Square Garden, Harry wakes up to find that he's sixteen years old, on The X Factor, and that he has a chance to make things right. (I'm sad that this author orphaned, but I seem to recall her getting a TON of shit, which is unfortunate because this is a great read, and part two is an imagining where Louis goes back instead)

5 fics featuring holidays

(These ones are basically from Christmas and Halloween of this year, so quite recent!!)

once bitten and twice shy, by @pinkcords​. In a rush of bravery only senior year can bring, Harry confesses his feelings in a letter to his neighbor and best friend, Louis, only for the entire school to hear it and laugh him out of their small town in Wisconsin. (the notes on this one blew me away: first-time author, pinch-hitting for a fest, and damn, a knock out)

you've set my soul to dreaming, by we_are_the_same. Thirty-year-old Harry Styles goes to bed single on Christmas Eve, only to wake up on Christmas morning with a husband in his bed and a son down the hall. (I'm not always into this trope, but when it's done well? NICE, and this one did it well)

when half spent was the night, by @juliusschmidt​. I’ve skimmed your website and am interested in hiring you to be my doula. I’m 7 ½ months pregnant and not keen to do this whole labor and birth thing alone. After looking around, I thought you might be a good fit. (girl direction advent fic with pregnant Louis that’s incredibly well done, especially given how short it is, I was so sad to see it end, but the author says something about act II coming??? YES!!!)

Fictober 2019 Collection, by flowercrownfemme/ @lesbianiconharrystyles​. Features lots of monsters and creatures and Harry Styles being a general nightmare as well as a few Girl Direction drabbles and a timestamp for Fool For You and one for Treat Mothman With Kindness. (Chloe's Halloween drabbles, each of which could outrival other stories 4x the length...she's a GIFT)

Cat & Mouse, by jaerie. It's the one day out of the year that Harry doesn't have to hide and can be himself — at least he thought so. Louis is just a little more observant than he anticipated. (I'm not a big hybrid fic fan, BUT GOD THIS STORY IS SO GOOD, it's so short I wanna cry, but so good!!!)

6 a/b/o fics

(I can handle "traditional" a/b/o if it gives me my dose of omega Harry, but I absolutely adore "untraditional" a/b/o, you know, where it actually is NOT about straight dynamics being put on a m/m or f/f couple (excuse me, a/a or o/o)...these ones NAIL IT, as did the entire gaybo ficfest)

violence of my own touch, by 14hrflight/ @silverfoxlouis​. Louis hasn’t said anything, but Harry knows something is wrong. Harry’s rut had ended a few days ago, and Louis had kept him under as best as he could. (whenever I read Chi's alpha/alpha fics, I find myself internally screaming "CHI!!!" god, do they Get It, and I really hope they continue this one!)

Amor Victorious, by HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals​. Louis finds himself following Harry on a journey through Italy, complete with long train rides, greasy food, naked Christs, and too many lingering touches. They're definitely not like other tourists and he definitely doesn't have a crush on his best friend who happens to be an alpha, too. (this one came out during Thanksgiving week, so I held it to savor, and BOY, DID I SAVOR, it's so incredible, the gorgeous writing, the visceral, indescribable feeling of reading it, sighhhhhhh)

do you know me by heart, by HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals​. Harry comes back wearing alphas' scents, a pleased smile and a lace dress. Somehow, Louis still ends up making him come until he cries. (for me personally, 2019 was the year of Nina: getting to know them, catching up on all their writing, falling in love with the way they can kill us all with beautiful angst and the hint and hope of redemption...here's a tissue, you'll need it!!)

the way that you're thrilling me, by @hereforlou​. Alphas were smelly and cocky and mostly arseholes, in Harry’s experience. Or at least they were at school. He didn’t understand how his friends—lovely, soft-skinned, sweet-smelling omegas—could actually want to touch them, or be touched by them. (this is just one of the many, MANY faves I had from the gaybo ficfest, A+ all around)

Constant Debauchery, by Blake/ @newleafover​. Harry is an alpha who loves getting his mouth knotted by other alphas. Louis is happy to serve. Fun smut! But also angst and sexual awakenings. (Blake knows how to sum up their writing, lol, but YEAH, me as at least one of the comments both public and private saying they'd want to read 100k more of this)

how many nights did I crash against the waves, by Blake/ @newleafover​ Louis is going into heat and Harry thinks it's hot. (the SKILL of writing something that's 1.7k, yet builds a complete--and v. v. hot--world)

7 fics with Harry and someone else

(I still have a few I need to read in this category--I'm getting there! But these are some from my fave authors that really had me pondering some walls [heh])

I Want Your Belly, by @glasscushion​. Harry wants Adam to knock him up. Inspired by on-stage thirst, the Instagram Stories Shirt, Watermelon Sugar, and Harry’s persistent baby fever. (Adam/Harry, mpreg kink of the finest order!!)

Rachel, Nevada, by @vondrostes​. Harry has a close sexual encounter of the fourth kind. (Jeff/Harry, Rachel/Harry, and I honestly can't even BEGIN to describe this, holy WOW)

Sea Salt, by @glasscushion​. Nick's drunk, and he can't avoid his feelings forever. Set in 2013 and 2019. (Nick/Harry, rip gryles...the grylers I know had an absolute field day in terms of angst, damn!)

all my lies are safe beside you now, by HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals​. They both know what it was like to love Louis Tomlinson fiercely, irrevocably, ghosts of it on their skin, even if the traces were etched in vastly different ways. (Zayn/Harry, and FOR REAL, this is a huge ouch)

call me anything you like, but my name is, by @wishforwishes​. Some conversations are better left forgotten, some conversations are worth remembering, and some conversations you never get the chance to have. Featuring three mentors, two tea parties, one and a half recording studios, and a reference to Archie comics. (Harry/CHASM, essentially; LISTEN, I am obsessed with this fic, you don't need to read part one to really Get It, but the bits with Zayn, and James/Ben, and all the parts with Harry working through gender? SO GODDAMNED REAL)

Come Out and Play, by @dinosaursmate​. Harry and Louis discover a new kink in their relationship, and it brings all the boys closer than they could have ever imagined. (ot5 orgy, so not really Harry with anyone so much as everyone with everyone, and let's call this one canon)

Like a Rolling Stone, by @vondrostes​. By the end of it, Nick realised his tea had gone cold in his hand. He’d barely taken a single sip in the hour-plus he’d been sat there, unmoving, transfixed by Harry’s songs—haunted by the knowledge of what had inspired them. (Nick/Harry, rip gryles)

8 canon fics

(This was a VERY hard category to narrow down, but yeah, a big push this year from "newer" writers = lots of nuanced fic)

Per Aspera, by @sedfierisentio​. Louis’s throat feels tight, his heart like a hammer in his chest. You know my rot, he thinks, and I know yours. I love you still. (these achingly beautiful time stamps are centered around taste, and if this fic has taught me anything, it's that buying an author a coffee has a ripple effect)

A Nullo Amato, by @sedfierisentio​. Inspired by Harry carrying books around outside LAX, a canon-compliant, Canon AU fic set between 2014 and 2015; mostly, timestamps roped together by a common theme—literature. (this was removed four years ago and reposted, so maybe it's a cheat??? i don't care, it was brand-new to me and a lot of other people, I'm so glad the author shared it again!)

no love like your love, by @dykes4louis​. A collection of tumblr drabbles. (Hima is REALLY burying the lede on this one because each of these is short and SCORCHING, her skill, check out her other works, too!)

Dancing in My Dreams, by @kingsofeverything​. Louis doesn't mean to imply that Harry's too old to dance for him, but Harry takes it that way, and sets out to prove him wrong. (this is one that *could* go in the series pile, but I love it as a standalone...feels like canon to me, regardless!)

Sonic Sounds, by @glasscushion​. "Harry takes a deep breath, suitably embarrassed, “I’m just really...” and he can’t say the obvious. He can’t just say "really wet." Or Harry loves feeling embarrassed. Louis is happy to help. (I'll never look at those One Direction electric toothbrushes quite the same way again)

Bruised Fruit, by @glasscushion. Louis is obsessed with the way Harry smells in the heat of LA. (hey, you know what, me, too, bitch, you ain't special...the way this fic SMELLS, my god, I"m obsessed)

be my once in a lifetime, by HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals. Just like there are only four other people who will ever understand what it’s like growing up in One Direction, there’s only one other person who knows what it’s like to find your soulmate just before you’re thrown into the spotlight and forced to acknowledge that the both of you have too many flaws and vices to make it through fame together. Or: It's all about having sex and being sad. And drunk. (can u believe Nina wrote this before Fine Line???)

in this dress, by cabinbythesea. Louis is so lost in his eyes and his words he feels if a step above heaven exists, it has to be Harry. Loosely inspired by Harry’s dress from the director’s cut of Lights Up. (I sure hope we see even more fic inspired by every bit of this album/every video it produces)

9 fics by Phoenix/ @alienfuckeronmain

(This fandom doesn't deserve her, and I hope everyone's reading her other works because they're all so amazing, she's such an incredibly gifted writer, my fave of faves, my life is so much brighter with her in it...I could rec her all goddamned day, and I do slash will!!! Here are nine she cranked out this year, each one a gem in its own way)

Silver White Winters. In which Louis catches a cloud and pins it down, aka, a Sound of Music AU (the shittiness in the comments underlines why we can't have nice things, but jesus CHRIST, this is so pure and good, and she cranked it out in, like, two hours)

I don't do that dance. Harry is easily the worst ballet dancer in her whole Intro to Ballet class. Except maybe Taylor Swift. (I adore how Phoenix writes girl Harry, but the way she writes Taylor? Unparalleled...nails her perfectly!)

magic, madness, heaven, sin, by @kerasines. It’s the flashing lights painting colors on her eyelids, it’s the drumming bass competing with her heartbeat. It’s the manic energy rippling through the crowd in waves, the deafening, frenzied passion filling the stadium that remind Eleanor that she actually used to like going to concerts. (technically, this one is FOR Phoenix, from Kim, but it takes a pairing that Phoenix is making her very own, so I'm counting it, lol)

Snakes and Stones. If you call a girl a snake enough, sometimes she becomes one. Her legs lengthen and fuse, her pupils shrink to slits. She gets colder and colder, until she has to spread herself on the warm cement beside the pool, soaking in heat, sipping gin and tonics to warm her blood so she does not turn to ice and shatter to bits. (god, I'm blanking on this ship name, but El/Taylor is such an inspired pairing, and I hope that P's drabbles make it over to ao3 in full)

Something good (will come from here). Taylor does not answer, because she is too busy licking her lips and pitching forward, as if Eleanor is the sky, or the sea. (you can practically SMELL this fic, El/Taylor drabble)

I Must Confess (I Still Believe). Harry is the new girl at an all girl Catholic Girl's School, and Louis is the unattainable, dashing senior who changes her forever. (this fic breaks my heart, the entire experience of its production and aftermath will forever be bittersweet, a gorgeous swansong)

Only One at the Finish Line. “I want to be another alpha’s omega,” is what he says, and it comes out like something reckless, something wild. Like he doesn't care anymore if Louis hates him or not, if Louis understands, he just needs to speak his truth aloud to darkness, to the slender pines that surround them like a jury panel. (Phoenix was the gaybo mod, and this was her contribution, and it is PERFECTION PERSONIFIED, fest goals)

The Pink Ghost of Princess Park. The thought of the vibrator does not go away. It’s sitting there collecting dust all through January, and every time Harry and Louis have to leave town for a press event or a show or to record or what have you, they come back home, and it’s still there, the Pink Ghost of Princess Park, the fucking glittery haunting that Harry cannot stop thinking of Louis stuffing up his arse. (a very good year in general for Princess Park clapbacks)

Life Saver. Louis is a sweetheart punk with a theater background and a heart of gold, Harry is an inexperienced nerd who plays by the rules. Classmates, lab partners, and eventually friends, what happens when Louis knows he’s in love, but doesn’t know how tell Harry? (this one came out a year ago tomorrow, and it had a tough birthing process, but it's so good, so hot, my love for virgin Harry gettin’ it on knows no bounds)

10 AU fics

(yes, yes, this could be LOADS longer, but I’m sticking to my theme!)

breathless for an eternity, by cabinbythesea. Harry conquers double duty on SNL and Louis wishes he was Nick Jonas. (dangggg, this came out too late for me to rec it along with my other snl-related fic, but it joins that lofty canon!)

Pretty Baby, by @littlelouishiccups. Louis helps Harry unwind after a busy week. (I was NOT expecting a new chapter in the iconic sugar baby Harry series, but HERE WE ARE)

into another (another) serotonin overflow, by @mercutionotromeo. Sweet first time sex wherein Harry's adorably awkward, Louis is achingly cool, and Harry rides Louis wearing his jersey. (this is one of my all-time fave fics, and I'm not sure what changed in it to get it reposted, but yeah, HERE FOR IT, THANK YOU!!!)

'Sup, by @mediawhorefics. All Louis wants is to finish the play he’s been commissioned to write, but one of the regulars at his local coffee shop keeps distracting him. ft. older larry, pushy gemma, harry being a disaster gay and silver fox louis. (this is so short but so tantalizing, GOD, DO I WANT MORE OF THIS UNIVERSE)

Tan Lines and Some Memories, by twoshipstiedup. Harry Styles is the indie movie darling he’d been avoiding ever since Louis saw his movie at Cannes and harbored an unreasonable grudge against him. A unicorn t-shirt finally brings them together in person. (I honestly thought we'd get more unicorn shirt fic, but this is a wonderful standard-bearer, banter city)

Bitter Tangerine, by purpledaisy/ @daisyharry. Nine months after they break up, a twist of fate brings Harry and Louis back together at Christmas. (so much ouch in this, but wow, do you feel like you're reading fully realized, realistic, growing characters)

We're Driving in Your Fast Car, by @sadaveniren. Harry felt himself light up - both with excitement and the thrill of getting what he wanted. “Really?” “Of course, anything for you." aka Louis and Harry are car thieves about to pull off a million dollar job. (another one I'd love to read more of...how did they get here, where are they going, etc.)

remember you well, by @fondleeds. Harry’s a criminal, Louis’ a cop, and they’re stranded overnight at the Motel 6. (what's with me and my love of heist/caper fics this year?)

Tied Down, by HamPalpert/ @ham-palpert. The most interesting case in Liam and Niall's careers falls directly into their laps, courtesy of an epic fuck-up of one Harry Styles, partner to the almost-infamous drug dealer Louis Tomlinson. The investigation yields an unexpected yet satisfactory outcome for Liam and Niall. For Harry and Louis, however, things are far more complicated. (SEE ABOVE, JESUS, I THINK ABOUT THIS FIC...ALL...THE.......TIME)

Harry Styles Cooks..., by sunsetmog. Louis owns all of Harry Styles’ cookbooks, and he never intends to cook a single thing out of any of them. (yeah, it's a wip, yeah, I flatline every time it updates, what of it, I'm living my best life vicariously through it!!)

[1dsongpreferencess]

49: I WISH - CHER LLOYD (REQUESTED)

LOUIS

“Baby, I seen the chick you're with, wish that I never did Freakin' perfect and five foot ten, just wanna punch her lip, yeah”

Breaking up with Louis was hard, being part of the same group make it worst. You ended up things in the most peaceful way to not separate your friends and that was working out or that’s what you thought. Tonight, you both had a birthday party of one of your friends, it was the first time in two months you were going to see him since he was on tour. You were super nervous but did your best to look great and maybe make him regretting your break up. You came a little bit early to help your friend organize and hours later people started to arrive. Then, you saw Louis and he looked so handsome that you almost didn’t notice he was holding hands with a girl that truly looked like a model, and you almost faint. When your friend saw the whole scene tried to cheer you up and you knew you needed to keep it cool. Officially he has moved on, and well that broke your heart but tonight you will have a good time for your friends. When Louis saw you he awkwardly smiled at you and you smiled back. As you were talking with the birthday girl he came close to congratulate her and then he presented his date. “This is Madison” he said proudly and you acted your best and said hi. But she knew you were his ex, so she wasn’t very kind and everyone noticed but you didn’t pay attention. You were dancing and drinking and trying not to watch the new couple but somehow, they would always end up close to you until Madison pushed you in your back. You turned around and she tried to act like it was an accident but you saw Louis’s face and knew it wasn’t. You decided it wasn’t worth it to stay there knowing she would act like that and you went out to the backyard to have some water and try to keep it calm when you saw Louis next to you. “I’m sorry y/n, I didn’t know she would act like that and we’re just knowing each other it’s not that serious” he said. “Lou, it’s ok I get it. But yeah it’s not that nice she acts like that I wasn’t even paying attention to her. But congrats, she’s beautiful” you replied trying to be sincere. He went silent for a second and said lowly “Nobody compares to you” and you smiled trying not to act on it. Then he keeps talking “Truth is I’m trying so hard to move on but I can’t help but think about us” “This is not fair to her, Lou” you replied trying not to run into her arms because you haven’t moved on either. “Let’s talk tomorrow, please. I will be clear with her and then we can try” he said looking straight to your eyes. “Ok Louis, but I can’t promise anything” you said trying to not be that easy, knowing that maybe tomorrow you might be starting over.

LIAM

“'Cause I know I've been wasting time tryna catch your eye, uh Yeah I know that I been so blind thinking that I'm your type”

Some people can handle drinking but you were the part of the group that couldn’t and that’s why when you went out with your friends you always tried to drink as little as possible. But tonight you were celebrating, you just graduated from your specialization and you wanted to have a great time. You went to a fancy bar in LA and you were dancing and drinking when you saw Liam Payne dancing too. You were shocked, he was your celebrity crush and since you were a little bit drunk you decided to make a move, your friends tried to stop you but you were the stubborn drunk type. As you walk with confidence towards him he danced and it was good until some other girl that looked really beautiful arrived and move you to dance with him. At first, he didn’t do anything but as he saw you walking away to be with your friends he took your hand. “Hey, where are you going?” he said, a little bit drunk too. “Well, you were dancing with her now so… and well she’s more your type” you replied a little bit unconfident. He didn’t say a word and brought you closer to him to dance. Suddenly you weren’t drunk and you were having the night of your life with him. Not knowing if this was only about one night or something more.

HARRY

“Uh-huh, yeah baby, I'm gonna keep it real, boy you da one I want

I don't own any five-inch heels, just got my Nike's on”

You were probably the shyest woman in the world and that wasn’t a big deal until you had a crush on someone because you couldn’t even say hi to that person without being too obvious. But when you met Harry it felt different, for some reason you felt so secure of yourself that even though you really liked him you could talk to him about anything. Your friend worked for his crew in the advertising area and since she knew you loved his music she invited you to one private gig and she presented you to him and it felt like an instant click. He was so kind and so easygoing that you felt good talking to him. Since that day you started to hang out a lot and you felt like you could be yourself around him and you could tell he felt the same way. You feel so much trust that you decided you were going, to be honest with him, you wanted him to be more than a friend and you invited him to your place. You decided to make sushi at home and were having a good time trying to make it right when it was ready you sat together to eat and you had a moment of bravery and started talking “Ok, I’m about to be very honest with you and you will try to do the same. And if you don’t agree with me I’ll get over it” you said, preparing him and since he had food on her mouth he nodded and let you keep talking. “I really like you, Harry, as a friend and as something more and I think it’s so cool we get to be so true to each other that it might be great if we gave us a chance to date or something and yeah this is my not being shy for the first time in a while” you said looking at him trying to read his reaction he smiled and put your hand on your lips because you had a little bit of sauce soy. “You won this time because I was working in a way to talk to you about this because I have this huge crush on you and I really want us to be more than friends too” you smiled. “Loved that you took the initiative, though it makes me like you more” he said. And that’s how you ended up dating the boy that was about to make you the happiest girl in the world.

NIALL

“Never thought I was insecure, boy look at what you done (What you done)”

You always thought Niall, your best friend’s friend didn’t like you too much but after last night you were pretty sure he hated you. And you couldn’t understand why, because you were always kind to him and when you met him you even though you might become really close, he looked so sweet and fun. But, he always changed his attitude when you arrived and last night’s party he didn’t even say hello to you. Not even your best friend knew why he acted like that and whenever she tried to talk to him about it he would avoid the subject. You were done with his acting and you decided you were going to talk to him, and as he was neighbors with your BFF it was easier. You knocked on the door and he was surprised to see you there. “Hi Niall, can we talk?” you said really serious. “What do you need, y/n?” he replied. “Why do you have to be so rude to me? I’m here trying to talk to you” he didn’t say a word but made you come in. You sat and you started talking “I need to understand why you hate me so much, we have friends in common and it makes me really uncomfortable to feel like you don’t want me there. If I did something to you I’m so sorry and it’s ok if you don’t want to be my friend or something but at least be decent if we are in the same place” his face changed completely and he didn’t look mad, he was moved or something. “This is going to sound so cliché and I hope you understand me. But the truth is I do like you y/n, it’s just is more than that. Since the day I met you I had a crush on you, and you are so beautiful that I knew I didn’t have a chance with you so I decided to stay away as much as I could. But I didn’t know I was hurting you, please forgive me.” You were shocked and couldn’t talk because it was really a surprise for you that he felt that way. You stayed silent for a few seconds. “Ni, you just can’t assume that. If you showed me how you felt we wouldn’t be in this situation.” You replied nicely. “I was just afraid of rejection, you know?” he said nervously. “I’ll tell you what. We are going to start again, and we will talk and be friends and maybe if we do things good something more. Let’s give it time” you said. He smiled and agreed standing up to give you a hug.  

[guilianafms]

            new  york’s  very  own  guiliana  rasananda  was  spotted  on  broadway  street  in  gucci  marmont  logo - embellished  leather  sandals  .  your  resemblance  to  lalisa  manoban  is  unreal  .  according  to  tmz  ,  you  just  had  your  twenty  third  birthday  bash  .  while  living  in  nyc  ,  you’ve  been  labeled  as  being  doctrinaire  ,  but  also  pragmatic  .  i  guess  being  an  aquarius  explains  that .  three  things  that  would  paint  a  better  picture  of  you  would  be  the  lingering  scent  of  her  perfume  after  she’s  long  gone  ,  a  fenty  beauty  gloss  bomb  as  her  staple  to  any  makeup  look  ,  and  the  glitter  of  diamond  encrusted  jewelry  on  tanned  skin  .

            hello  ladies  ,  gents  ,  and  nonbinary  pals  !  my  name’s  jin  and  i’m  super  stoked  to  be  here  !  i’ve  seen  this  group  in  the  tags  over  the  years  ,  and  i  decided  that  it  was  high  time  for  me  to  slide  in  (  and  now  that  my  school’s  closed  ....  indefinitely  ....  i’ve  got  the  time  )  .  giuliana  is  fairly  new  so  i’m  still  working  out  some  kinks  that  may  arise  ,  but  i  have  a  pretty  good  idea  of  the  direction  i  want  her  to  go  in  !  i  can’t  believe  that  this  is  my  first  time  playing  lalisa  in  a  couple  of  years  ,  but  since  the  chance  arose  ,  i  decided  to  take  it  .  i  won’t  chat  too  much  ,  and  i  need  to  make  a  new  d.iscord  since  i  forgot  the  password  to  my  old  one  but  if  anyone  wants  to  plot  ,  feel  free  to  slide  into  my  dms  (  or  i’ll  slide  into  yours  !  )

basic  information  .

FULL  NAME  :  guiliana  kanya  rasananda  .

NICKNAME(S)  :  gigi  ,  lia  ,  liana  ,  ana  .

BIRTHDATE  +  AGE  :  february  12th  +  23  .

ZODIAC  :  aquarius  .

HOMETOWN  :  new  york  ,  ny  .

GENDER  :  cis  female  .

NATIONALITY  :  thai - american  .

ETHNICITY  :  thai  .

HEIGHT  :  5′6″  .

LABEL(S)  :  the  amaranth  ,  the  vixen  ,  the  trust  fund  baby  ,  and  the  princess  .

ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION  :  biromantic  .

SEXUAL  ORIENTATION  :  bisexual  .

LANGUAGE(S)  SPOKEN  :  english  ,  thai  ,  japanese  ,  and  learning  spanish  .

OCCUPATION  :  socialite  ,  ‘  model  ’  ,  and  youtuber  /  social  media  influencer  .

POSITIVES  :  clear - headed  ,  assiduous  ,  self - reliant  ,  pragmatic  ,  and  cosmopolitan  .

NEGATIVES  :  disputatious  ,  exigent  ,  doctrinaire  ,  selfish  ,  and  unscrupulous  .

PLAYLIST  :  roxanne  /  arizona  zervas  ,  bad  guy  /  billie  eilish  ,  body  /  loud  luxury  ft.  brando  ,  nasa  /  ariana  grande  ,  mother’s  daughter  /  miley  cyrus  ,  sway  with  me  /  saweetie  w.  galxara  ,  say  so  /  doja  cat  ,  mad  at  me.  /  kiana  ledé  ,  apeshit  /  the  carters  ,  elastic  /  joey  purp  ,  watermelon  sugar  /  harry  styles  ,  ain’t  my  fault  /  zara  larsson  ,  lemon  /  n.e.r.d.  ft.  rihanna  /  nice  for  what  /  drake  ,  sugar  /  brockhampton  ,  icon  /  jaden  smith  ,  zimzalabim  /  red  velvet  ,  come  thru  /  joji  ,  in  my  head  /  ariana  grande  ,  broke  bitch  /  tiny  meat  gang  ,  honey  /  lay  ,  deserve  /  kris  wu  ft.  travis  scott  .

biography  .

let’s  see  if  we  can  keep  this  short  ,  am  i  right  ladies  ?

ratana  saelim  has  humble  beginnings  in  bangkok  .  her  parents  owned  a  small  restaurant  in  their  neighborhood  ,  and  they  lived  comfortably  ,  but ratana  still  had  to  work  hard  to  ensure  that  she  got  into  college  and  could  stay  in   college  .  she  often  did  her  homework  behind  the  counter  of  the  restaurant  ,  and  eventually  went  on  to  attend  bangkok  university  .

she  met  her  future  husband  at  bangkok  university  ,  a  fellow  student  named  kamnan  rasananda  .  he  was  studying  business  while  she  was  studying  law  .  in  contrast  to  ratana  ,  kamnan  grew  up  in  an  extremely  affluent  home  and  was  set  to  inherit  his  family’s  company  .  he  was  a  year  older  than  ratana  ,  and  the  two  got  married  after  her  graduation  with  her  master’s  degree  .  they  settled  in  bangkok  following  their  wedding  .

the  years  passed  ,  and  the  couple  established  themselves  in  their  respective  fields  .  kamnan  started  his  own  business  in  real  estate  and  construction  ,  so  they  decided  to  expand  out  of  asia  and  into  the  states  .  they  made  their  home  new  york  city  ,  and  settled  easily  into  a  multi - million  dollar  penthouse  on  the  upper  east  side  .  since  they  were  to  focused  on  their  careers  ,  it  wasn’t  until  they  reached  their  mid - thirties  when  they  had  their  first  and  only  child  ,  a  daughter  they  named  guiliana  .

guiliana  was  a  beautiful  little  baby  who  has  an  infectious  personality  while  growing  up  .  ratana  and  kamnan  may  have  been  busy  people  ,  but  they  never  had  an  issue  with  putting  work  on  pause  to  spend  time  with  their  daughter  .  the  couple  supported  their  daughter  in  everything  that  she  did  ,  and  that  even  included  when  she  turned  fourteen  and  decided  that  she  wanted  to  start  doing  youtube  videos  . 

going  through  high  school  ,  guiliana  had  been  a  member  of  the  photography  and  yearbook  clubs  ,  and  this  was  at  the  same  time  that  she  started  to  truly  focus  on  her  channel  .  of  course  ,  her  content  at  the  time  was  quite  cringy  (  shoutout  to  that  one  song  that  everyone  used  in  morning  routines  )  .  as  the  years  passed  ,  she  obtained  the  right  equipment  to  make  her  content  better  .

by  her  senior  year  of  high  school  ,  her  channel  grew  to  massive  numbers  .  she  dropped  the  makeup  videos  since  she  found  that  she  was  more  interested  in  fashion  than  makeup  ,  and  was  comfortable  with  sharing  her  personal  style  .  she  got  a  lot  of  backlash  because  she  grew  up  rich  and  people  often  felt  that  she  was  ‘  flaunting  ’  her  lifestyle  ,  but  really  ,  most  of  her  clothes  from  the  places  that  were  often  the  rage  at  the  time  (  urban  outfitters  ,  brandy  ,  etc  )  with  the  occasional  luxury  piece  like  a  purse  or  something  .

now  ,   she  isn’t  that  active  on  youtube  anymore  since  she’s  grown  into  more  of  a  socialite  ,  but  she’ll  still  do  weekly  vlogs  ,  catching  up  videos  ,  and  her  fashion  videos  .  despite  not  being  that  active  ,  her  channel  is  still  growing  and  has  now  amassed  five  million  subscribers  .

personality  .

guiliana  has  been  a  part  of  youtube  since  she  was  a  fourteen  year  old  ,  so  she’s  been  able  to  start  ignoring  the  haters  !  quite  honestly  has  the  most  idgaf  attitude  towards  people  who  have  anything  to  say  about  her  only  showing  luxury  outfits  and  such  on  her  channel  .  that’s  all  she  knows  since  she  grew  up  in  that  ,  but  quite  frankly  she  doesn’t  care  !

out  of  all  of  her  labels  ,  i’d  say  she  mostly  resonates  with  the  trust  fund  baby  .  outside  of  her  youtube  channel  ,  guiliana  doesn’t  do  much  other  than  spend  money  and  sleep  until  eleven  so  don’t  expect  her  to  be  out  there  making  businesswoman  moves  .

don’t  give  her  a  compliment  because  what’s  the  saying  ...  give  her  an  inch  and  she’ll  take  a  mile  ?  that’s  guiliana  to  a  T  !  she  knows  that  she’s  cute  and  her  parents  have  only  ever  praised  her  ,  so  she’s  got  something  of  an  over  inflated  ego  at  times  .  she  can  go  on  and  on  ,  so  please  tell  her  ass  to  shut  up  if  she  starts  taking  it too  far  !

headcanons  .

a  born  and  bred  new  yorker  ,  guiliana  doesn’t  possess  a  driver’s  license  .  she  gets  driven  around  in  a  bentley  bentayga  and  when  her  driver’s  not  available  ,  she  exclusively  uses  uber  black to  get  around  the  city  .

her  style  is  pretty  similar  to  lisa’s  where  one  day  she’s  exclusively  wearing  streetwear  ,  another  day  she’s  a  bit  more  feminine  ,  and  then  sometimes  she’s  wearing  pieces  straight  off  the  runway  !  when  it  comes  to  her  more  feminine  style  i  think  of  the  youtuber  kerina  wang  .

she’s  most  comfortable  when  she’s  in  her  apartment  .  usually  ,  she’s  only  wearing  a  lingerie  set  (  not  the  entire  thing  )  and  lounging  around  .  she’ll  throw  on  a  robe  or  something  to  answer  the  door  ,  so  just  call  her  ahead  of  time  .

i  can’t  make  up  my  mind  on  how  guiliana  usually  has  her  hair  (  since  lisa  switches  between  long  and  short  )  so  we’ll  just  say  that  she  gets  extensions  a  lot  !  currently  ,  i  love  her  long  brown  hair  so  click  for  reference  here  .

she  has  no  real  plans  for  the  future  ?  she’s  kinda  of  taking  it  day  by  day  and  enjoying  her  twenties  while  she  has  them  .  right  now  her  main  focus  is  her  instagram  and  her  youtube  ,  and  she  has  no  real  aspirations  to  do  anything  outside  of  that  at  the  moment  .

never  leaves  the  house  without  wearing  a  pair  of  heels  ?  even  when  it’s  cold  outside  ,  she’s  wearing  ankle  boots  with  a  heel  or  the  ever  elegant  over - the - knee  boots  .  

her  go - to  drink  from  starbucks  is  a  cold  brew  with  vanilla  sweet  cream  .  she  doesn’t  drink  coffee  with  sugar  .

wanted  connections  .

            i’ll  more  than  likely  end  up  reblogging  things  into  the  tag  i  made  for  these  ,  but  since  there’s  nothing  there  right  now  ,  i’ll  just  list  off  some  specifics  that  i’d  love  to  have  !  if  none  of  these  are  to  your  taste  ,  we  could  always  brainstorm  ,  work  off  chemistry  ,  or  let  me  know  if  there’s  something  that  you  think  guiliana  could  fill  !

i  might  end  up  sending  this  in  to  the  main  ,  but  i’d  love  to  have  the  fiancé  that  she  left  at  the  altar  !  truth  be  told  ,  i  kind  of  feel  as  though  she  may  have  done  it  simply  because  she  finally  realized  that  things  were  moving  too  fast  and  she  kinda  of  needed  to  pump  the  breaks  ?  she  definitely  didn’t  do  it  in  the  best  way  ,  but  it  could  be  an  interesting  relationship  /  dynamic  to  explore  .

she’s  been  in  new  york  since  forever  so  i  just  imagine  there  being  a  slew  of  connections  stemming  from  that  ?  friendships  ,  rivalries  ,  and  romantic  connections  !  idk  why  i  love  them  so  much  ,  but  i’d  really  love  for  her  to  have  an  ex  best  friend  .  we  can  determine  why  their  friendship  ended  ,  but  i  really  love  exploring  the  demise  of  relationships  .

my  brain  is  blanking  so  🤠  .

[heyyyharry]

Chapter 2: Castles In The Air

(from the My Girl Trilogy: Be My Only)

…in which Y/N can’t stop worrying about Harry, but she isn’t the only one.

AU: actor!Harry, older!Harry, younger!Y/N, (4-year age gap).

Word count: 5k

Wattpad link

Chapter 1: Fire And Rain - Harry and Y/N go back to where it ended.

A/N: Welcome back to emotional hell. Listen to What If I Never Get Over Your? by Lady Antebellum for full experience. - Allie.

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Isaac thought he had done a great job. Y/N had trusted him enough to reveal why she'd gone back to Holmes Chapel last year, not because of her father's wedding, but because of Harry. He knew everything, from how they'd got together to how they'd ended. Though the truth was evidently unpleasant, it also made him sigh in relief, for he was sure she had officially moved on.

But last night he'd seen for himself, how she had freaked out at the party and later broken down in the hospital. He'd seen the way she'd held Harry, how she'd cried, thinking something bad had happened to him. She was usually talkative when they were alone, but had been awfully quiet on the drive back to her place. It didn't take a mind-reader to figure out what was bothering her. It was that hug they had shared, what he had whispered into her ear that nobody else would ever know. And in that moment Isaac realized, there was a place in her heart that he could never reach.

It'd been a rough night, and his loud thoughts had kept him awake until 3AM, with fear that the girl in his arms could leave him any minute. But when the morning came, everything seemed to have fallen back into place. Stepping into the kitchen with sleep in his eyes, he was greeted by his girlfriend's gleeful "good morning!" and the delicious smell of sizzling bacon and eggs. Maybe he had over-exaggerated the situation yesterday, because Y/N was still here, and she was...making breakfast?

"Y/N! The eggs!"

"Shit!" The girl nearly knocked everything off the table as she fled across the room to turn off the stove. Clouds of dark smoke erupted from the frying pan, causing the couple to start coughing uncontrollably.

"My eggs..." She mumbled with a frown when he stroked her head and burst out laughing.

"I thought my girl was possessed, but I'm glad she's still herself." His joke made her snort as she tossed the burnt egg into the bin and told him she would try again. But after what he had just witnessed, he thought he should do all the cooking from now on, for their own safety.

"Step aside. I'll manage," he said with a smirk, nudging her with his hip to steal her spot as they both giggled together.

"Okay, so you take care of our breakfast. I'm gonna finish this."

Curious, Isaac stole a glance at his girlfriend, and saw her put the tuna salad she'd made into a lunch box. It wasn't like her to wake up early, make breakfast and lunch for herself. She hated cooking more than she hated children crying on the bus, and she'd rather starve than turn on her stove.

"Hey," she spoke before he could ask. "Can you bring this to Harry later?"

"Did he ask you to cook for him?"

"No." Y/N shook her head. "Niall said he wasn't allowed to go anywhere, so I decided to make him food."

Her naive response made Isaac cackle. He told her not to worry, that Harry's team would make sure he had the healthiest, and most expensive meals, while laying in bed. But that didn't ease the wrinkles between her brows.

"These foods will help his wounds heal faster." She met his thoughtful stare. "Besides, you two have to talk to each other at one point. This is your chance to make up."

"We're fine."

"How 'fine' exactly?" She arched an eyebrow at him. "I know everything is my fault, and I'm trying to—"

Isaac didn't let her finish. He grabbed her chin, kissing her full on the mouth, and slightly pushing her backward until her back bumped into the desk. His kiss became more urgent as his hands moved to hold her cheeks. She kissed him back, fingertips resting on his face. Neither of them knew what had gotten into him, yet both went with it because, what else would they do?

Reassurance. He needed reassurance.

But this kiss wasn't it.

Slowly, he pulled away, tucking a loose strand behind her ear as his heart started racing faster. With a smile to cover up the fact that he was on tenterhooks, he said in hushed tones, "why don't you ask Niall to bring him the food? They live very near each other."

The truth dawned on Y/N as her eyes shifted away from his. She thought for a couple seconds before nodding her head, and Isaac hoped she didn't think he hated Harry. How could he? He loved Harry like his own brother, and had sacrificed a lot for him since they became friends; like his top bunk in the dorm because Harry wanted it, his 20th birthday party because Harry had failed a movie audition that same day, his first magazine cover deal because Harry's hateful ex was the model, and many other times he couldn't recall. He'd done everything, no questions asked, because he believed Harry would do the same for him.

But Y/N wasn't something they could take and give whenever they wanted. She was a person, someone Isaac truly cared about. And he'd known from the start once he'd fallen for her he could never step back, which was why he'd asked Harry if he'd had feelings for her too. If only the answer had been 'yes' since the beginning, he would've walked away for them to be together. Would Harry have done the same? Would Harry have respected Isaac's feelings for Y/N and stepped aside, instead of going after her while Isaac was in Rome? No. Harry had done the opposite. And even so, even now, Isaac would still walk away. But things weren't as simple as it used to be. He was in too deep to undo how he felt about her for someone who'd broken her heart again and again.

There were certain things in his life that he was always in control of. Feelings, just weren't one of them.

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"What do you mean you're in LA?!"

"I got on the plane as soon as I dropped Harry off last night." Niall sounded so casual, as if it wasn't a big deal to fly to a different country every time he was bored. A normal person like Y/N could never relate to it, though she guessed nothing could be too much for someone with excessive fame and fortune like Niall Horan.

As Niall rambled on about his second birthday party in LA, Y/N had missed most of it while busy sorting the books on the shelves. She would get in so much trouble if her manager caught her on the phone while at work again.

"That sounds super cool, Niall. But I really gotta go," she told him, holding the phone between her ear and shoulder. "Have fun at your party."

"Thanks! Have a nice day, Y/N!"

I wish, Y/N thought, as she hung up and headed back to the reception counter. There hadn't been a single customer that morning, so her friend and co-worker Alice was sitting behind the counter, filing her nails instead of doing whatever she was supposed to do. Sometimes Y/N truly felt bad for their boss. He had only two employees, but neither one was hardworking or at least responsible.

Alice actually got fired from her job in their university library for never showing up on time, and Y/N couldn't stay there either. Without Alice, no one would make sure she got to read as much as she wanted without getting caught. So the girls ended up finding this new job, and apparently hadn't learnt any lesson from their previous one.

"Al, I need back up," said Y/N as she threw on her jacket and grabbed her bag and lunchbox. "If Eddie comes back before me, tell him I've got some 'lady issues' and had to leave, yeah?"

"Lady issues? Wow, we've really run out of excuses, haven't we?" Alice seemed quite amused.

"He'll believe anything." Y/N rolled her eyes as she scoffed. "Once I told him my cat was sick, and he gave me a weekend off."

"You have a cat?"

"No, but he has three."

Alice giggled as she gave the older girl a high-five. They could only be mean to Eddie when he wasn't around. After all, he was the one who paid them, so the least they could do was treat him with respect...when he was around.

"You're meeting up with Isaac?" Alice asked with a massive grin, but Y/N only shook her head and said, "a friend."

Waving Alice goodbye, she left the store and walked to her car which she'd recently bought from a man living in the same building. Though it ran out of fuel pretty fast, and once left her stuck on an empty highway in the middle of the night, it was still good for a used Vauxhall. To be honest, she'd made a lot of questionable buying decisions ever since she moved to London, but that car wasn't one of them.

As Y/N buckled up her seat belt and started the engine, she only had one thing on her mind. Maybe she should leave the lunchbox at his door, ring the bells, and run away before he saw her. That way she wouldn't have to talk to him and still make sure he got her food. But on second thought, wouldn't it make her a coward? If she was so sure that she was completely over him, she should act like an adult and face him at some point. Besides, she'd said it herself, Harry was mentally and physically unwell. What he needed most at this point was someone to look after him. If not Niall or Isaac, that someone had to be her.

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When the doorbell rang, Harry didn't expect it to be Y/N.

He had too many 'friends' here in London. But ever since his accident made the news, the only person who'd come to visit him was his manager Jeff, which said a lot about working in this industry. The cameras might stop rolling but the people never stopped acting. His Bambi, however, was different from all the others. She showed up here because she genuinely cared about him, and even though he didn't deserve that kindness, he was very thankful she'd decided to come.

"I brought you lunch." Y/N showed Harry the pink lunchbox and a wide grin that made his heart leap in content. 

As she walked in and politely asked to use the bathroom, he played along, saying "you're welcome" in response to her humble "thank you". They thought it would be less awkward if they pretended that she was a stranger to this place. Pretending was easy, forgetting was hard. The memories of their last night together were still vivid as if it was yesterday. She had stood right there in the middle of his living room, in his shirt, with tears running down her red cheeks. The look she'd given him was utterly heartbreaking. And if he could go back in time, he would tell her those three words again and again until she agreed to stay.

"I guess I'm leaving now."

But he couldn't go back in time. And this was reality. He watched the smile fade from her lips as she walked right past him, straight towards the door. On spur of the moment, he said aloud what he should've said a year ago.

"Stay."

She stopped dead in her track, turning to look at him like he'd committed a crime. The last thing he wanted was to make her feel uncomfortable, so he plastered a smile on his face. "Stay for a cup of tea?"

"I have to get back to work," she replied with a sense of reluctance.

"Since when do you care about work?"

"Excuse me! I'm very responsible, alright?" She pointed to herself as they both cracked up in unison.

Harry guessed he must've looked like a fool for smiling this much, still he couldn't help it. Her presence made him feel alive. He shouldn't have spent a fortune on a therapist while he could've just gone to her instead.

"It won't take long," he insisted, this time giving her a pout. Y/N tossed her head back as she rolled her eyes, knowing for sure there was no way to deny him when he looked at her like that. So she shrugged off her jacket and hung it up by the door, making him sigh in relief.

"Only for a cup of tea," she emphasized the word, more like a reminder for herself than for him. But even so, once they had finished their tea and the discussion about how those doctors had stitched up Harry's wounds, they switched on Netflix. And that was how hours had gone to waste, only for a cup of tea. Well, it wasn't actually a waste, at least for Harry, who needed an excuse to spend as much time with his Bambi as possible. He was like a teenager on his first date, stealing glances at the girl he fancied, hoping she wouldn't notice, though he wouldn't mind if she did.

Judging by her many different facial expressions, Harry believed he might've missed a whole lot of what was happening on the screen. But he was too far gone to keep on watching while she was right here. When the last episode ended, they sat in silence, staring at the rolling credits. He was waiting for her to suggest watching something else so they didn't have to talk. But apparently, she also felt like a conversation was necessary. She turned to him, both of them parted their lips and quickly looked away at the same time. He caught a glimpse of her hands rubbing onto her thighs. She was nervous. And he was too.

"You've...changed your wallpapers." Her little discovery made him laugh a little bit. As it turned out, he wasn't the only who sucked at starting a conversation.

"I did. Thank you for noticing."

She met his eyes and they were beaming at one another. Now that the unwelcoming awkwardness had passed, Harry thought he should say something. Tell a joke, maybe. No, that poor attempt would be suicide. But what should he say? Everything that he wanted to say was all wrong. He couldn't tell her that he'd been thinking about kissing her since she walked in. That he missed her so much his body ached. That he could still feel her in his arms after last night, and now he began to wonder if she could feel it as well. Most of all, he couldn't tell her he loved her. He thought he might've missed the only chance to say it, and now his life sentence was to live with it as a secret until the day he died.

As he kept on fidgeting, Y/N's eyes wandered around the room, and spotted his new movie script lying on the desk opposite from them. "Castles In The Air," she read the title aloud, catching his full attention.

"That's not for you! It's confidential," he said quickly as she attempted to go get it.

Y/N breathed out a laugh, rolling her eyes. "What's the point of having an actor as a friend, if you still have to wait for the movie to come out like everyone else?"

Harry didn't know why he started beaming at the word 'friend'. Just yesterday they were nothing, and now she called him a friend, which meant he was gradually gaining back her trust. And that was enough to keep him happy for the rest of the day.

"You know," she began, resting her chin on her palm. "When I was little I used to think that 'castles in the air' were actual castles floating in the air. I got so fed up when I learnt the real meaning of it. Desires, ideas, or plans that are unlikely to be realized. How disappointing is that?"

He nodded to agree. "It sucks to grow up and find out not everything is possible."

His remark made her chuckle. Her eyebrows knitted together as she told him, "our 'castles in the air' are all built out of fear. They're like...our coping mechanism."

"How so?" He asked, smiling while studying her expression. He loved the way her eyes twinkled when she came up with something smart, which was almost everything that she said. The way she observed the world was different from everyone else, and he adored her for that, he could listen to her talk forever.

She began with a little smile. "We create these unrealistic ideas and believe in them to distract ourselves from our disappointing reality. For example, we talk about inhabiting on Mars, so we don't have to worry about our planet dying. We tell ourselves that something big is gonna happen to us tomorrow, because we don't wanna roll out of bed and repeat the same boring day. We believe the person we love will also love us back, because we can't stand the fear of rejection."

Harry knew she didn't include the last example on purpose, and only realized how ironic it sounded until after. As she paused to make sure he wasn't upset, he gave her a reassuring smile. "So...tell me yours?"

Y/N held his eye contact as she spent some time thinking before answering his question. "Don't have one. I already have everything I need."

Even herself didn't fully believe in those words. How could he? But he wasn't going to force her to give him the truth. He accepted that answer, and let it go, allowing the silence to sink back in. This time it only lasted for about five seconds.

"Give me your motorcycle key," Y/N said as she opened her right hand, looking dead serious at him.

"Why?" He lifted one eyebrow in confusion, at the same time, slightly amused.

"Because I don't trust you with it after last night. Come on, hand it over."

Sighing, Harry grabbed his coat on the backrest of the couch. He pulled out the key from the pocket then put it in her hand. She gave him a questioning look, chuckling nervously.

"I was only kidding."

"I wasn't," he answered to her surprise. "I already told you, I don't want you to worry again. So you can have the key."

She stared at him as if he'd said something wrong. He watched her lips tremble, not knowing what to expect while the look in her eyes was eating away at him.

"At the hospital..." His entire body stiffened once he heard those words. "You said something about...the fireplace. What did you mean by that?"

"You know what I meant..." Harry said under his breath.

"I don't. That's why I'm asking." Her voice was soft, yet stern and direct, letting him know she wasn't going to let him off that easily.

But he didn't believe her. Y/N would never forget her mother's words. She must've had figured out what he meant right when he said it. Thus there was only one good explanation.

Fear.

She was fearful of hearing those three words now that she'd moved on. So she hoped he had misunderstood the metaphor, or at least remembered it differently. It'd be easier for her if he didn't love her. Then they could pretend like nothing had ever happened. And she wouldn't have to feel guilty for being with Isaac. Harry wouldn't know for sure, but it didn't matter. Right now, he must make up his mind. He could either tell her what she wanted to hear, which would make him a liar; or tell her what he wanted her to hear, and never spoke to her again. Either way he would lose.

The sound of doorbell shot Harry right out of his seat as he took it as the universe throwing him a lifeline. Despite his injured knee, he dashed towards the front door, praying it was Niall, or Jeff, Gemma or even Isaac. Nevertheless, he was out of luck.

"Rubes..."

His gruff voice immediately washed off the beam on the woman's face. She released a faint gasp, cupping his cheeks and observing the scratches from the accident.

"I wish you'd called me," she uttered before pulling him in.

Harry didn't expect that hug. His first instinct was to push her away and turn to his Bambi, whose eyes widened in shock as she rose up from the couch. The way Ruby looked at her was far from courteous, so Harry guessed she had assumed only the worst about them. There was no possible way this encounter could end with smiles and handshakes.

"This is Ruby," he spoke, unable to look into those eyes when he was introducing her to the cause of their last goodbye. "Ruby, this is—"

"Y/N, Harry and I were neighbors in Holmes Chapel," she said, stepping forward to shake the woman's hand. 

"How long are you gonna be in London?" Ruby asked, throwing on a grin. It was scary for most people how fast she could switch from one emotion to another, but Harry had grown used to it. It was only with him that she showed how she really felt.

"Actually...I live here in London. Harry and I knew each other when we were kids, then we separated for a long time," Y/N said, still Ruby wouldn't leave her alone.

"And how did you meet again? He's never mentioned you, not even once."

"Rubes," Harry cautiously lowered his voice as a warning, but neither of the girls paid attention to him.

"It's a long story, Harry can tell you later," Y/N calmly said before picking up her handbag and placing Harry's key on the glass table. He thought she would just head out of the door without turning back, but instead she stopped right in front of him. She was expecting something, and he knew exactly what it was.

He ignored the look Ruby was giving them and pulled Y/N into his arms like he'd done the previous night. He made sure no space was left between them, and that she would have something to remember when she walked out of here. But Y/N knew Ruby was watching, so she just put her hands on his back, barely touching him though it was all she wanted to do.

"Text me when you get home safe, alright?" He whispered.

Without another word, she gave him a nod before pulling away. Then she was gone, leaving so fast he could barely finished the word "goodbye". And now he was scared to guess what she might think of him after today. The man who kept running back to the ex he said he didn't love anymore, the same man who'd broken her heart and let her run out in the pouring rain, not the man who had changed and deserved a second chance to make her happy. So much for closure and sincerity, he thought.

With a heavy heart, he shut the door and turned back to Ruby, who was waiting for him, lips slightly parted.

"Have you been sleeping with her?" She asked immediately.

"No," was his answer as he walked back to the couch. Her big cat eyes observed his every move, like she was the predator and he was her prey. In silence, she came to sit by his side and watched him open Y/N's lunchbox while acting like she didn't exist. Now she couldn't take it anymore. She pulled the lunchbox away from Harry, leaving him flabbergasted. If only he would snarl at her, or at least show any kind of emotion to prove that he cared, but all that she got in return was silence. And Ruby hated meaningless silence more than anything in the world.

"She wasn't just a friend, was she?" That wasn't a question, this was, "are you in love with her?"

"She's got a boyfriend. Are you happy to hear that?"

"No." She bit her bottom lip. "If you don't look happy to say it."

"Fuck, Rubes." Harry exhaled, causing the older woman to flinch in surprise. "What else do you want me to say? She's dating Isaac. My best friend. Can you just give me a break?"

Not a single part of that answer stated that he wasn't in love with Y/N, but that was the last thing Ruby cared about at this point. She was so hopeless that she would accept any answer showing a possibility for her to win him back. Taking a deep breath, she forced a smile, forgetting he could always tell when her happiness was fake.

"I'm sorry...I overreacted." She said quietly. He hoped she would stop there, but he knew her well enough to be sure that she wouldn't.

"I have every right to worry though," she began as expected. "You promised to give me a chance, but stopped talking to me since you came back from Holmes Chapel. Then this girl was in your house, and you started acting weird towards me. How am I supposed to feel?"

"I'm sorry...I've had a terrible week." He sighed, turning back to her. There was no reason for him to be sorry, but if it could stop Ruby from giving him a hard time, he didn't mind saying it.

"I forgive you," she whispered, laying her head on his shoulder. Harry swallowed hard when he felt her lips at his ear and soon on his neck. They used their mouths a lot when they were together alone, just never for talking. This was the only way for her to get close to him, and Harry knew exactly how this would end. The only thing on his mind when he kissed her lips, was the look of disappointment Y/N had given him before she walked out. He was also disappointed in himself, yet did nothing to stop Ruby from getting down on her knees and undoing his pants. His head tossed back, and his eyes fell shut. He just wanted to feel something other than a heartache, anything.

.

.

.

The tension in the room had escalated to the point of no return. Something had gone wrong, and Y/N could only wish she knew what it was.

It was probably a bad idea to tell Isaac about her going to Harry's place, but from her own experience, every failed relationship began with a secret, no matter how small. And they were doing so well, she didn't want to mess this up by keeping a secret from him. However, his reaction left her confused. His smile dimmed slowly before fading out, and the blue in his eyes turned ice cold.

"I thought Niall was gonna bring him the food?" He mumbled, not looking at her, even though she was sitting right by his side on the bed.

"Niall was in LA. I called him," she tried to explain, tugging harder at his sleeve to gain back his attention. "But does it matter? I was trying to tell you about—"

"Ruby. I get it." He breathed.

No, he doesn't get it, not at all. "Harry is in a bad place right now, and the last thing he needs is going back to her. I'm worried about him."

"Aren't you always?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" She asked, withdrawing her hands at once.

Isaac rose up and started pacing back and forth, until he was calm enough to stop and point a finger at her. "You're worried about him and Ruby, not because Ruby is toxic for him. But because you cannot accept that he's still the same person who hurt you before."

"No—"

"Don't." He took a step back when she got up and reached for him. Her heart was pounding, and her eyes watered in a second.

"You still love him, right?" Isaac's breathy voice was mixed with a tired laugh that made his body shake slightly.

Without a second thought, she surged forward to seize his arm. "I don't. I'm with you now," she whispered, sounding so desperate, but it wasn't enough to convince him to stay. He took her hands and pinned them to her chest. In that instant, her heart wrenched as the lump in her throat grew bigger.

"Lie to yourself all you want, but don't lie to me." His voice was dangerously low, as if even himself couldn't believe he was saying those words. "You cannot love me, or anyone else for that matter, at least not as much as you love him. But wake up, Y/N. He loves Ruby. He's always gonna love Ruby, he's not gonna change for you. I wish you could just see that...Why can't you see that?" Isaac voice went weaker towards the end, until he had nothing left to say to her, so he reached for the door handle. He told her they could continue their talk in the morning, when they were in their right mind to think this through. However, Y/N had a feeling that nothing was going to change.

Once he had left, she sat alone on her bedroom floor, contemplating his last words over and over again until her mind became numb and she couldn't continue. That was when a text lit up her phone.

⌲ H: Are you home yet?

She almost ignored him. Almost.

⌲ I am. Sorry, forgot to let you know.

⌲ H: It's okay :)

Three dots popped up to show that he was typing, only to disappear right afterwards, leaving Y/N heartbroken. She wasn't thinking straight when she wrote 'Had a fight with Isaac. I don't know what to do.' But right before pressing send, it occurred to her that having him involved might be a bad idea, so she deleted it all and put her phone on airplane mode.

At that same moment, Harry was sitting fully-naked on his bed, patiently waiting for those three dots to reappear. One minute. Two minutes. Now it'd been five, and his heart slowed down for he knew it was not going to happen. He put his device back on the nightstand, just as Ruby pulled him back under the covers. He let her snuggle into his bare chest, while all he wanted was to get out of this room because it didn't feel right. In the darkness, he imagined the girl he loved lying in the arms of his best friend, and his heart wilted to the unpleasant thought.

Little did he knew, Y/N was on her own, trying to fall asleep so she would wake up to a message from Isaac that said everything was fine. But was it really? Or was it just another one of those unrealistic fantasies she'd created for herself — her coping mechanism? Building castles in the air was easier than accepting reality. Having a perfect relationship, a perfect boyfriend, a perfect life, were certainly better than facing the same ending twice.

[meetevieinthehallway]

i wish you were the one who told me.

in which harry’s lack of memory is the part that hurts the most.

-

“do you love me?”

the question sounded ridiculous.

how could she ask him this when every day he accuses whatever higher spirit that they sent down an angel to earth instead of keeping her in their haven. how could she ask him this when he looks at her like she spun the stars into their orbits and as if she was the reason that the earth had sunlight. how could she ask— question that—

“of course i do.”

his voice was shakier than he wished it had been; he didn’t want her to believe that there was any hesitation in his response.

“as much as you always said you did?”

“yes. more than that, more than ever.”

the room was tense.

it was evidently tense and harry was looking at his love as she sat away from his body on their sofa, her posture stiff as her hands rested on her thighs. her eyes were downcast on her fingertips and her eyebrows were furrowed, hands twitching and shaking with nerves and hesitation and ultimate sadness.

“i just— i..” she was at a loss for words. “i dunno what to say, h.”

his lip was bright red because of how crazily he’s been chewing on it, the skin going on its fifth hour of abuse as he sits in front of his girl. he wanted her to look at him, to see the truth in his eyes and to see the pain in his features, because god, she has to believe me.

“love.” his voice was weak and cracking. “i promise you, she—” he swallowed as his hands rubbed at his jeans, fingers practically sore from dialing her number all day. “she came onto me, okay? she had to have because i-i don’t want— i don’t want her, you’re the only woman i could ever want.” he gasped. “i’d never do that to you— never would i hurt you.”

it had been a long night.

a long night, and now a long day.

his girl had encouraged her boyfriend to go out with the friends that invited him, not knowing that his ex would be at the same club, at the same booth. she suspected nothing was wrong, because harry had come home drunk and whining for his love and she only smiled and brought him up to bed as he kissed at her neck.

it seemed like a normal night where harry parties with his friends.

but oh, this wasn’t a normal night.

they had lied in bed in the morning giggling and kissing and it wasn’t until harry played his voicemails out that the room dropped in temperature.

hey mate, jus’ makin’ sure you got home alright! we gotta do it again sometime: super fun. i know you had fun too, ‘specially with kendall. nice to see ya, mate, talk to ya later!

harry’s eyes had increased in their size as he held his phone, staring at it and watching it roll off his fingertips and onto his stomach.

“kendall?”

his love next to him had the same size eyes but these ones were gradually watering. her lips parted as she threw herself out of bed, harry’s voice speaking her name slowly. she stood, shaking, her arm reaching out and her finger pointing at his phone. harry couldn’t move.

“what— what…” she stammered, eyes glossy. “what does he mean? what— what did you do, harry?” she whispered, the accusing finger starting to shake. “why is he saying you guys had fun?”

“i—” he was at a loss for words. he didn’t think anything happened, just that he and kendall were both present at the same table and that they barely said a word to each other. harry sat up, racking his brain for any recollection of anything that happened with her. “nothing happened.” his head shook side to side.

“it fucking sounds like something did!”

“love i—” he shook his head. “she was there, yes, but nothing happened. i don’t know why he—”

“do you know nothing happened or do you not remember something that did happen?”

and harry could never lie to her.

maybe her questions haven’t been all that ridiculous.

it’s been a whirlwind of a day.

she had walked out the minute his silence confirmed his lack of memory of the previous night, and she returned hours later with tears down her beautiful face and an article pulled up on her phone.

harry styles and kendall jenner rekindle romance with a steamy kiss and night out on the town!

she hasn’t looked at him since she walked back through their door.

“please.” he whispered. “lovie.”

“harry if you call me any name like that one more time—”

“i’m sorry.” he whispered quickly, tears starting to blind his vision and sting his waterline, but he kept looking at her, blinking excessively yet still not capable of ridding the blurriness. “i am, i am.” he murmured, his lips trembling.

“i think i should go.” she whispered, eyes on her hands. “i-i… i don’t wanna be here.”

“wait—” he pleaded as she stood, harry standing with her and blocking her path.

her voice was weak. “harry—”

“i-i’ll give you space, i swear, please… please stay.” he whispered, fingers gently holding her forearms. “please, stay until i-i figure this out—”

she ripped herself away from his hands, skin burning from his touch. “there is nothing to figure out!”

this is the first time she’s looked at him since this early morning with her teary irises, when she was trembling and her mind was dizzy. her eyes now were laced with those same tears, but mixed with anger, heartbreak, hardness. she wasn’t trembling.

“you fucking kissed another girl while i sat here, in this home in your fucking clothing daydreaming about you.”

her hands shoved at his chest, his feet stumbling backwards until he was backed against the nearest wall, his eyes leaking as he sobbed.

“i refuse to sit here any longer just because you can’t get a fucking grip on what you have done.” those tears still filled her eyes but they did not spill down her cheeks. “i am ‘figuring this out’, for the two of us. i’m done.”

she stormed out for the second time that day, the slam of the door leaving harry against the wall with tears splattered over the hardwood flooring, his fingertips and his cheeks. he wiped his face with the back of his hand, sniffling as he sagged his way to the floor. his cries were uncontrollable and soul shaking, arms wrapped around his middle as he trembled.

proper job, harry.

he was sobbing.

you just lost the best thing that ever happened to you.

—

he was still on the floor when his phone rings.

it was hours later that his phone produces a harmony that pulls him back down to reality and makes him realize that he’s been sitting and crying and thinking for this long.

he peered over at the couch, seeing the blue light from his phone reflect onto the ceiling and—fearing his legs wouldn’t work—he crawled over, grasping it quickly. he told himself before he saw his lock-screen to not get his hopes up, but the realization that it’s not her, but mitch, calling, still twists the knife lodged into his chest.  

he moved slowly, sniffling, his body acting as if it was swimming in a vat of molasses. he sat back against the wall, bringing the phone to his ear.

“hey.” he mumbled, his voice croaking.

“mate!” he was laughing, and harry pursed his lips. he looked up into the darkened living room, pondering about how he could not going have a lighthearted conversation right now. “can you believe the tabloids!” he was still laughing, and harry sniffed.

he swallowed thickly. “what’s funny about them, mitch?”

“they’re fucking ridiculous!!” he was still laughing, cackling in harry’s ear as the younger man sighed.

“what? me fucking up is just hilarious, mate?” he grunted out, eyes teary but voice hard.

his chuckled repressed and there was a pregnant pause before mitch gives off a quiet “wait a minute” through his speaker. “you don’t actually believe that happened? damn, mate, how drunk were you?”

“what?” all the air had left harry’s lungs as he peered around the room. “what are you on about?”

“i’m confused.” mitch laughed awkwardly. “uh.. we’re talking about the tabloid of you and kendall.”

“yeah, i know.” harry said, feeling sick as he thought about it. about the idea of kendall, but more so about the idea of betraying the one woman he’s ever truly loved, the one he wants for the rest of his life. “i kissed her last night.”

“uh... no, you didn’t.”

the wall behind him wrapped around his body. “what?”

“h, the article’s fake.”

harry coughed, arm coming to his mouth before his knuckles smacked to the floor. “b-but there’s photos!”

“pretty sure they’re photoshopped from a time when you and kendall were a rumor.”

silence. harry’s fingers released his phone, the device about to fall when he half catches it, fumbling greatly and cursing. his mind was spinning, a wave of nausea coursing through his bloodstream; he was staring at the couch, eyes flittering and trying to focus. “w-what? it- it’s fake?”

“yeah. i mean— c’mon mate. even if you wanted to kiss her i wouldn’t have fuckin’ let you.”

“i— mitch.” he whispered, lungs vacant of any oxygen. “this makes no sense.” he breathed. “why did jeff call and say that i ‘had fun with her’?”

“i dunno.” he said “probably sarcastic because you cussed her out.”

“i cussed her out?!”

“yeah.” he mumbled. tears sprung to harry’s eyes, confusing and watery and blurring his sight as he tried to zero in on anything. mitch sighed. “you really don’t remember anything?”

“no!” harry’s breath was picking up, his hands trembling. he pulled his legs into his chest, body feeling weak. his heart is pulsing, throbbing, a tornado of emotions swirling in his abdomen.

“oh, well.” he cleared his throat. “she kept tryin’ t’get you to go back to her place but y’stood up at the table and you yelled about how you’d never betray your girl and you would never want to do anything with her. made her cry, ‘nd she left.” he says slowly, pauses between his words as he recollects on the exact actions.

pure, utter silence.

“call my girl.”

his words were what broke the pause hanging in the air and that dropped the temperature of the room.

“mitch, call my girl.” he whispered, heart stammering as his palm came to his chest.

“what?”

“mitch, fucking call her. tell her what y’told me, please.” he sobbed. “she’s not gonna believe me. please.”

“oh shit!” he gasped. “she thinks you cheated!? oh shit, h—”

“mitch.”  he croaked. “please.”

“o-okay. yeah. let me—” he hangs up quickly, harry’s phone crashing to the floor simultaneously.

he didn’t think he had any tears left, but here they were— spilling over his lips as he sobbed into himself. he was muttering and praying, rocking and shaking because this was all too fucking much.

“fuck fuck fuck.”

he doesn’t know how long he’s sitting there until his phone pings, twice, simultaneously, one text from mitch and one from the girl he’s in love with.

all set, mate.

i’m on my way home, harry.

—

the door slammed. harry couldn’t move; it felt as if he was cemented to the floor ever since he received her message. his body wasn’t letting him function properly, keeping him to the floor so he could feel all the forces of everything that occurred that day.

“h?”

her voice was softer and more nervous than ever before, making him shiver in his place. he parted his lips to speak, but no words emerged.

“h?”

“y-yeah.” he said quietly, hesitant as he heard the growing footsteps coming his way.

he saw her feet first. loud steps with wet shoes and harry questions himself if she had been walking in the rain. her wet coat answered that for him, her body stopping in front of him. her lips parted as she stared at him crumbled in a ball on the floor.

she doesn’t remember a time where he looked worse.

his frame was slouched and crumpled into his own body, a sad look on his face.

he looked small.

small and cold and frail and his neck and nose and cheeks were flushed red, his shoulders twitching. his hair had fallen onto his forehead and curled by his temples, his lip bit as he gazed up at her. he looked like a child who’s been scolded, crouched to the floor in fear and acknowledgment of a wrongdoing.

she couldn’t stand to see him this way.

“stand up, h.”

“i-i..” he looked down and sniffled. “dunno if i can.”

when harry looked up again there was a hand outstretched in front of his face, and his eyes flicked to look at his girl. he couldn’t read her expression, her eyes weren’t teary but her skin was red, and her stance was stiff but it looked as if he could push her over with his exhale. he slipped his fingers between hers, her arms pulling him to his feet. his balance was off, so his back fell against the wall, but his eyes stared at hers intently, his arms feeling weighed down.

“i’m out of questions.” her voice was a whisper, and when her hand fell out of his, she looked down. “y-you… all of this wasn’t real.” her voice was halfway lifted into the tone of a question, sounding defeated and troubled.

harry’s feet planted themselves a little bit firmer. “d-did mitch tell you everything?”

she nodded. “i— yeah.” she swallowed. “i wish you were the one who told me.”

“y-y’wouldn’t’ve answered.”

“i know.”

the air was tense again, and although the pauses were long, the mood was not awkward; they both could feel the weakness of the other. this situation was so fucked up, causing both of them utter pain and heartbreak and for nothing.

she felt utterly stupid.

there’d always been tabloids: ones that fabricate and cheat and steal and lie and harry always told her to ignore them.

but she couldn’t help it. this one had felt different, because even harry couldn’t confirm that an article was fake or real because of something he didn’t remember.

she felt utterly, astoundingly, stupid.

harry has never given any indication that he would be the cheating type— even the flirting-with-other-women-type. his past was clean, always filled of love and admiration for her, so why in the hell did she believe a stupid story?

“mitch said you yelled at her for flirtin’.” she didn’t know how to say it, how to apologize to the love of her life because she accused him so quickly when he was just as confused as she was. she sniffled once, then her hand went to her mouth as she whimpered, her eyes flicking up to him. he sighed and her fingers fell from her lips, eyes shining and mouth open. “i don’t wanna cry anymore, harry.” she whimpered.

he pulled her into his chest. he was still leaning against the wall as he grabbed her and pulled her close, his arms wrapping over her shoulders while her arms fell to his waist.

“this is all my fuckin’ fault, h.”

“no it isn’t.” he hushed her. “i’ve made you cry.” he whispered, throat bobbing with the confession. “i hurt you.” he was sponging kisses onto the top of her head, his cheek rubbing at her hair in anguish while she cried into him. he hadn’t felt her touch for the entirety of this day, and as desperate as that sounded, his skin touching hers sent flames into his chest. “i’m so sorry, lovie.” his voice sounded drowned.

“i’m sorry i doubted you.” she whimpered, pulling back to look at him. “if i didn’t this would’ve never happened and—”

“it’s okay,” he whispered, smiling sadly. he wiped at her under eye, his thumb moving to caress her cheekbone. “i understand it—the doubts, the questions—i do.”

“but i shouldn’t’ve believed a fucking paper so quickly.” she sniffled. “stupid fuckin’ media—”

“i believed it myself.” he murmured, shaking his head. “everything is okay, now, right?”

“is it?”

harry gazed at his girl, blinking his eyes around her face as he took in all the sadness in her features.

“everything is okay.”

“everything?”

“everything.”

he waited for her to nod, then kissed her on the forehead and pulled her close, swaying her body against his gently. “all is okay.” he whispered into her ear.

“okay.” she sighed.

the living room was still dark.

“i feel like ‘ve aged ten years just today, h.”

he pulled back and placed his forehead onto her’s.

“i know, lovie, me too.” her fingers touched his cheek. “i’m sorry.”

“i’m sorry too.”

“i love you, okay?”

“i love you.”

“can we just—”

“pretend this day never happened?”

“please.”

“can we make a new pact?” she murmured. he nodded slowly.

she reached out, hand grabbing his palm, staring at his eyes intently. he brought her lips down, sponging them across his knuckles before she took her pink and hooked it through his. “never believe any articles or tweets or—…” she bit her lip. “confirm it with each other, yeah?”

“yeah.” he breathed. “absolutely.”

his voice was a whisper and the two looked into each others eyes, before harry brought their pinkies to his mouth and kissed them. 

and when she sadly giggled at the action, he held the sides of her face and kissed her lips deeply, lifting his back off of the wall.

[lcyalty]

i don’t feel like making a joke to break the ice so here’s one of my favorite tiktoks: https://vm.tiktok.com/s1rSS5/ . anyways, hiii, fed admin sabrina here :) time to check off the introductory personality checklist: i’m 20, a leo, a slytherin, a woc, a pre-law major on the east coast, uhhhh harry styles and marvel trash, i play over 10 instruments, i prefer the thigh over the chicken breast, and i’m really happy u all r here and joined my little creation :’) smack that read more to learn abt my children daisy moretti and jude valentine so we can plot !!

                                                             DAISY MORETTI.                                                  pinterest: https://pin.it/7unKPi8                                                                     the basics: full name: daisy mia moretti | hometown: the bronx, new york | zodiac: aries | orientation: bisexual | employment status: intern on the news broadcasts floor | positive traits: social, determined, hardworking, attentive, confident, smart | negative traits: rude, irresponsible, cunning, cutthroat, insensitive, selfish

the backstory:

here’s the best way i can describe daisy: take the love for fashion and luxury of carrie bradshaw and cher horowitz, mix it with the power and intensity of olivia pope, and add in all the meanness of every single rude, b*tchy person you can think of. that’s her.

daisy was born to a huge italian family who all had odd jobs; her dad specialized in fixing the batteries on smoke detectors. her mom ran the laundromat down the street. a lot of her uncles owned car detailing businesses and she had a couple of older cousins who were janitors or low-level staff members at the local middle schools. while her family was fine with this, because hey, it paid the bills, daisy, who had always had expensive tastes from the start, turned her nose at it all.

she, unsurprisingly, became the first in her family to make it past high school. daisy did absolutely every major, resume-boosting thing while she was in school, because she learned very quickly that she liked power and being better than others. there was something she loved about coming home from school and getting to brag about her debate team win while her cousins could only nod. 

she was great at school, and she made sure everyone knew. she did mock trial, debate, sga -- she even joined the environmental club just for the clout. and then one of the people in her model un group said she should run for president one day.

it made sense. daisy likes power, she likes bossing people around and always being right, and she doesn’t take shit from anyone. she’d be a fantastic fucking president. so, naturally, after finishing college and pushing through an internship she didn’t really like just so she could have another bullet point on her resume, daisy applied for an internship at masters international. she knew she’d get the gig, obviously.

daisy loves fashion and luxury. she spends majority of her money on vintage chanel tweed matching sets to wear into the office, she has red bottoms that give her four extra inches of height, and her foundation costs over a hundred dollars. you’d think she’d want to be on the floors that deal with vogue and help organize new york fashion week, but that’s not going to get her a presidency, duh. daisy interns on the floors that handle the news broadcasts so she gets firsthand knowledge on all the shit, political or otherwise, that goes down in the country.

i would love to type more but i don’t want to hint at anything that points to her secret, so i’m going to explain a little more about daisy’s personality

she’s so, so controlling and bossy. she wants to be the absolute best at everything, and the shining star of it all. daisy’s definitely an attention hog, and she’ll bust her ass on her work to make sure she’s better than everyone else on the floor with her. 

daisy’s very picky about who she hangs out with. as a future presidential candidate, optics are very important, obviously. she only surrounds herself with people she deems to be good for her image, and she’ll gladly let you know that she thinks you’re too shitty to be around. she cares a lot about how she appears to other people, you know.

daisy is selfish and rude, and truly doesn’t care if she hurts someone’s feelings. she speaks her mind and has absolutely no filter -- which gets her into a lot of trouble, i’m sure you can imagine. 

wanted connections:

enemies: if you need a bad guy or work rival in your character’s life, i wholly volunteer miss daisy moretti as that bad guy. it’s not hard for her to make enemies when you consider her personality.

ex: please please give me an angsty ex plot filled with depth and all the details. there’s gotta’ be a reason why daisy wants to be not only the first female president, but also the first president without a spouse, after all.

hookups: listen. she has needs.

                                                            JUDE VALENTINE.                                                   pinterest: https://pin.it/1dfK9dE                                                                 the basics: full name: jude lee valentine | hometown: tuscaloosa, alabama | zodiac: gemini | orientation: heterosexual | employment status: corporate attorney for masters international | positive traits: friendly, warm, sociable, extroverted, smart, witty, energetic | negative traits: compulsive, secretive, disloyal, impulsive, ignorant, desensitized

the backstory:

picture it with me: a ranch. nice pale green shutters and a huge yard. there’s cows in this picture, too, and horses. there might even be goats. there’s a tractor by the two ford trucks, a dog sleeping on the porch, and not another house for another twenty minute drive. this is what jude valentine is used to. he’s a country boy from alabama, equipped with the southern accent and everything. yes, he has a pair of cowboy boots. yes, he brought them to new york with him. yes, he pronounces creek as ‘crick’.

jude is a very sweet boy. he was quarterback in high school, got good grades, and every sunday he went to church with his family because Bible Belt things. homeboy is named after a book in the Bible. he’s all about southern manners and hospitality, about treating people kindly and always putting others first, and he always keeps his morals in check. or, he used to.

when you’re home it’s hard to stray away from what you’re used to. the same held true for jude in college, because even though he went to u of alabama (can you hear him yelling roll tide), he was still in his home state so he felt those morals still stuck with him. but then he applied for law school and got a full ride to nyu law, and whew, the Temptation

‘cuz you see, jude was always a sweetie pie. he still is! in high school he was super popular because he was tall and cute and athletic but funny and brought extra biscuits from home to hand out in homeroom. i’m not gonna lie, he’s charming af. he’s smooth and he has good jokes. the girls loved him but the little sh*t had a purity ring.

but then he got to nyc for law school and let me tell you. alabama is not close at all to manhattan, now is it. jude was fine the first couple of weeks, just worked on his case briefs in his shoe box of a starter apartment... but the women. homeboy started sleeping around a LOT after a while. y’know wet dreamz by j cole where he’s like haven’t been inside p*ssy since i came out one? yeah, that was jude until ny, and he’s very much still like that

is jude still the sweetest, nicest guy ever? yes. is jude still the type of guy to knock on your office door and ask if you want to walk to get coffee with him even though you guys have probably never met? yes. is jude the first guy on the dance floor when there’s a midnight party on the rooftop? yes. is jude the type of guy who’ll fuck with you and say no, he only listens to music made by a spoon and a blade of grass if you think he only listens to country music? yes. but he also has slept with at least twenty different interns and employees at the office, so.

he also dabbles in the occasional little pill when he’s got eight depositions to write up before tomorrow but he was too busy screwing some chick the night before. he first did this in law school. but we don’t worry about that.

stop it, i know what you’re thinking: sabrina, come on. so he sleeps around, okay. what’s the big deal about that?

here’s the big deal: he’s engaged.

lil (i say lil but he’s 6’3” while i’m only 5’0”, so lemme stfu) cupcake jude is a cheater. he’s got a whole fiancée and yet he still sleeps with other women, and each time he’s like no, okay, that was the last time for real, but then there’s a new intern at the office and the higher ups always throw the new people at him because he knows how to make people feel comfortable, and his country accent is cute and refreshing among all the new york bs, and the whole attorney thing certainly isn’t a negative, and, well. he gets tempted. and afterwards he always tells the girl okay, please, can this stay between us.

u wouldn’t know he’s engaged either bc it’s not like he’s wearing the engagement ring, now is he

i’m staying hush on daisy’s secret but jude’s is that he’s cheating on his significant other with people in the office. is he still a nice guy? heck yeah, but also, you have to be a certain kind of messed up to keep cheating on your s/o and just not tell them. that’s a lotttt of lying you’re just comfortable with. oh, what’s that? you’re threatening to tell his fiancée that you two slept together because you think she deserves to know? well. he’d hate having to do it, but... jude’s not above knocking someone down if it means his secret stays hidden.

wanted connections:

hookups: literally i will take as many hookup plots i can get. doesn’t matter if they’re an intern or an employee; jude will sleep w them and then make them promise not to tell anyone in the office afterwards because “wE’rE nOt sUpPoSeD tO sLeEp wItH cOwOrKeRs” but we all know why he wants to keep it under wraps. this also doesn’t have to be an only connection; he can be friends w someone but also hook up w them on the low too

fiancée: this one is huge for me so pls pls message me if ur seriously interested in this plot and we’ll talk !!

friends: this one is so easy bc jude will literally make conversation with a chair. he’s super sociable and fun and approachable and he loves making friends !! give me some ppl he can pester during lunch break and throw balled up pieces of paper at

best friend: he’s gotta have that one person that he just clicks really, really well with. jude talks to everyone and he’s super friendly but this person is his confidant. he goes to them w almost all of his problems and rants to them and asks for advice and likes to just be around this person. trusts them w his entire life. hmuuuuu :)

ex: listen. we all need a good ex plot and this person is probably the only one in the office jude isn’t bringing a complimentary donut to

sister: jude has a younger sister and honestly she was gonna be a npc but the idea of him looking out for her at the office and getting all (ง•̀_•́)ง when ppl r mean to her is smth i reeeeally like. or maybe they actually don’t get along that well and bicker a lot but there’s still that underlying hey i’ve got your back. you piece of shit. type feel going on !!

[modern-oedipus]

Check-List for the Goals I settled for 2019

The funny mistake I’ve made earlier lead me think about what I’ve expected from 2019 when we started it. I found a list of the goals I made while we were entering the new year’s and here is a realistic evaluation of how it went.

• First of all, I wanted to manage my depressive episodes better. I wanted to have them less frequently. I wanted not to be absolutely crashed if a trigger hit me. Here’s how it went with a rough statistics (yes, because I’m a soon-to-be scientist, I actually made a graph of my own mood swings as if I am a test subject).

✔️ January was absolutely terrible for me. I had so much anxiety because of a toxic relationship and I wasn’t sure if I could ever live without that person. I failed two classes and withdraw a third one. I was super anxious about my internships. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be on the path I was and I was also having financial troubles. Also, one of my pet birds had passed away.

✔️ February was the month I truly felt like something in me was changing for the better. I felt like something clicked after the winter break— when I was, in a funny way, forbidden from consuming sugar for three days. I used to eat a lot of sugar/sweets to cope with my stress back then, to the point I still amaze at myself for not being overweight, plus size, or developing diabetes; because I really was eating too much sweets. But then I had a conversation with my father that feels unworldy, and combinated with the tree days no sugar diet and beginning of the new semester I suddenly felt like, even if I couldn’t fix everything, I could fix something. I had to start, regardless of how little. So I started by eating carefully— so significiantly less sugar consumed than I used to be, but I didn’t force it all at once. So if I were eating 3 brownies a day I decreased it step by step to 2 brownies a day, one brownie a day, and... At November 2019, it is probably a brownie once in 15 days. With even more pleasure than eating 3 brownies at once. (Don’t worry, I still let myself be free of eating whatever I want occassionally. I’m taking care of my health). Anyway. I started to hit up gym in my college for first time ever. I was so painfully inconsistent, but I knew that much was to be expected, so instead of getting angry at myself for not being a regular I just appreciated myself for going despite not being a regular.

✔️ March was a turnpoint. I decided to be bold enough to pursue my ex hobbies that I lost because of depression, one of them being writing. I’ve had a strong muse for Norman back then. I made a new account on Facebook. I knew no one, but to my luck I made so many friends. I drowned in NorRay ship with a very nice roleplay partner. I built new friendships away from the toxic partner of mine who was seriously causing a lot of damage on me. By the end of March we broke up and— surprise, my world didn’t end. I felt so refreshed, so alive, as if I was freed of my chains, and up until this day this feeling stands. I was more eager to pursue new hobbies, talk about my interests and do crazy shit instead of worrying my ex would think. I was happier. Much happier. This too, is still valid.

✔️ April was... unworldly. Because something that relates to my society happened as a big improvement and I was extremely positively surprised. This feeling is valid up to this day as well.

✔️ May... May was wild. I got kissed by a random stranger at the spring fest party. This fucking event lead me to write Conflict. Seriously. I built stronger friendships, online and offline, during this month. I felt truly connected.

✔️ June!!! June was so weird! It was my first break after one or maybe two years of depression. It was my first free holiday in which I didn’t reall feel like I was a waste of time, space, effort, money, etc. I got to walk around streets with a burden off my shoulders after so long. I got to look forward to the next days. The insecurities hit me up sometimes, but significantly less frequently, as I aimed in the beginning of the year. At this point I have had lost a good 5 kgs and had been eating very healthily too, and I was enjoying this new healthier lifestyle I adapted. This is still valid too.

Let’s examine June a little more carefully. At the end of the June I was going to go out of town to have an internship at a very prestigious university out of town. Which meant I had to stay in student dorms. I had no background about my field of internship yet. I was going to be utterly alone and I was freaking out about it. I’ve spent last week of June extremely tense because I don’t live in dorms normally and sharing a space with people and being alone at a professional place and things like doing laundry felt terrifying. But at the same time I was proud of myself because I’ve had always wondered how life would be living in a college campus, and this school I went was the best in my country equal to the university I am attending. Overall, it was prestigious and I was very excited.

Another important thing about June was that I’ve had written almost ALL of Conflict in my head with two of my roleplay partners eagerly listening to me and encouraging me whenever I plotted.

Have you noticed this?

My story was completed BEFORE I even posted.

At the end of June, a few days before I was about to leave for the internship, I had a breakdown. I had a bad breakdown. I had first draft of Conflict completed but I could never get to edit it. I could never get to post it. I didn’t even have an account. I didn’t really expect much interest in the story either, I just... I don’t know. I think I just thought, “Wow, this plot is so feelsy. I shouldn’t keep it buried in me. Maybe other people will love it too.” and I... kept Conflict waiting... for so long. Then I had a breakdown thinking I can’t do a fucking thing right and I’ll never get to post anything because I always let my “depression” take over it— which is a funny excuse because I wasn’t even depressed at June. Scared yes, but not depressed. I hate playing the victim. Objectively speaking, I wasn’t at my best but it wasn’t my worst either. Anyway. I left first chapter of Conflict linger there for a few weeks, hopeless that I could ever post.

✔️ Then comes July. I came to the internship city! It was AWESOME. I LOVED the campus, LOVED the experience, LOVED my field, and ENJOYED dorm life. I made many friends. I had roommates. I worked out more often. I went to sightseeing. I extended my network. I did A LOT of fun stuff.

On the first night I was at dorms, my two roommates were out. I didn’t know anyone yet. I had ONE night free to do anything. I was... in an awe. So I opened the documents. I looked at the pretty sight from my dorm room and I said, “Well, let’s do this.”

It was like a torture to finish that first chapter.

I had no expectations when I posted.

But oh my god, it felt like something clicked when I posted! Getting my story POSTED was a significant proof that I was SERIOUSLY moving on from the LAST traces of depression. It was something I created. It was MY productivity. It was ME. But in a way it was everyone. I felt extremely happy. Oh— did I mention Conflict is my first fanfiction?

Anyway, then I began to look forward to updating. Living in campus had it’s amazing advantages, such as no time wasted on transport, and ability to chill at coffee shops or 24/7 open library ALL NIGHT if I wanted. Which was wayyy less depressing than the environment of my house. I wrote. I felt super engaged. The simple fact that I could exist and produce something and have other people respond to it was something I could never imagine myself doing back on my depressed days. (But I could totally imagine this BEFORE I got in depression. In a way, I was back. I am still back. And I’m so grateful.)

I wasn’t only fooling around to write, though. I’ve been learning a lot. Experiencing a lot. Living a lot. It was amazing. I even binge watched Harry Potter with my roommate— and I hadn’t rewatched it before. (I had fucking forgotten that Sirius died, lmao.)

I also briefly fell in love again. It was a nice brief summer thing. Still think she’s amazing.

I need to go now, actually, so I’m abrubtly cutting this post off halfway to edit later. I don’t know what I earn by sharing this. I’m definitely not looking for attention— maybe you’ve realized it before but I give very little fucks about what people around me say (except for constructive critism). But somehow, I felt as if someone needed to see this. I don’t know that person. I don’t know who they are and when they are reading this. I just want people to know that there is an example of a girl who seriously changed a lot within span of a year by constant hard work, gentle-self-talks, and constant push-throughs even when she’s not motivated. Right now I’m far from being depressed nor suicidal, I’ve lost enough weight to dress up all bold clothes I LOVE to wear, I’ve built self-confidence, etc, as I will edit later. I just... want you all to know... even if this is not valid for everyone if you want something to happen you have to MAKE it happen. And it actually HAPPENS when you MAKE it happen. So, you don’t have to stay stuck in a bad cycle. You don’t even need a new year’s eve to do this. I started at february, see?

So do your best! I’m cheering for you!

Edit: I’m back. So point of this post was to check whether I’ve reached my goal of having less frequent depressive episodes. (Because I know I’m human and depressive episodes can hit ANYONE, so I didn’t have an unrealistic “I’ll never experience this again” expectation but I did have the expectation of “I’ll experience this maybe once or twice in a year, move on fast w/o unhealthy coping mechanisms and I’ll stay connected to LIFE instead of dissosciation” and I’ve achieved this.

A fast summary would be,

July built my self confidence at all aspects, from my hobbies to my career, my social skills to my curiosities. It was amazing.

August-September was vacation. One month of having a blissful vacation without feeling like a burden. One month of having full bliss. No depressive episodes not even once. I was regularly working out and I didn’t gain any weight even though I eat sweets and nice food everyday because of “holiday”. I went to a dietician in the end to find out my blood sugar is very healthy and my weight is normal now.

At the end of September & beginning of October I was nervous because of school, but I handled a lot better. I have done my best. I have truly done my best. I attended almost all lectures, I engaged in the material, asked all questions on my mind, went office hours, stayed active in newspaper, continued to hit up gym regularly, built more friendships, ALSO STAGED A THEATRE TEXT I HAVE WRITTEN LIKE THAT WAS AMAZING, and— and—

I don’t know, fast through November it doesn’t feel enough. I don’t know what I’ve honestly expected. But I expected to feel smarter or something, because science is hard shit. I expected better grades than this because I have honestly given it my all best. But the fact that my friends called me to reassure me made me really happy because one of my other goals was to build friendships and to think people, online and offline, check up on me makes me tear up. Especially when they are genuniely by my side as friends. It just feels so nice. So I’m feeling bittersweet.

I couldn’t lose any more weight since June, but I kept gaining/losing in some balance and I’m stable by now. My aim for February is to... lose 10 kgs in total— in a year. Which means I’ve got 4 kgs left to get rid of extra weight. I’m not really obsessed with body image, I’ve never been, but... What will I even do if I do not eat healthy and exercise? I mean, what’ll I even do? I like exercising and healthy eating. So I should just prevent stressful eating further so I can get rid of all the extra stuff. I’m already wearing all the pretty clothes I want and I do get stares because ;; idk they look cute I’m cute. Not in a narcissitic way. But self-love is important. I’m bi anyway, I do think girls are cute so since I’m a girl why shouldn’t I be cute as well?? A very feminine girl in fact, so like, hell yes, at least Nila can now wear whatever she wants and feels like she looks good on them so ONE OF THE MAJOR GOALS OF 2019 is fucking SETTLED!!

I’m planning to meet up my dietician again soon, and say that, “Look, I’ve come this far. Let’s lose 4 kgs in next 4 months. It makes 1 kg a month. Amazingly managable right? So guide me so I don’t ruin my health while thinning.”

So, I’ve managed my three major goals: Get rid of depression (learn how to burn it if it hits you); get a body you not only appreciate but feel genuniely HAPPY to be in; and built friendships and strengthen your bonds with people.

My two other major goals are incompleted, though. To cut it short, I wanted to get a better academic standing— from my first midterm grades I couldn’t really achieve that no matter how hard I tried, which is truly upsetting, but I have no choice but to go on. I love my major. I love science. I genuniely want to stay in this field. I don’t think I’m too idiotic to be a scientist. Sometimes I do think that, okay, but that’s a common thought in STEM majors. I do want to believe that what I work on will make a difference. It will have a meaning. So even though these results... are very discouraging to the point I felt really bad today, as if I could somehow, I don’t know, have a panic attack or something (I did not, I don’t have chronic anxiety or panic attacks or whatever, never experienced this). I just felt close to it, with increased heartbeat and feeling a bit dizzy and also very... imbalanced. But that’s probably because I didn’t eat well today, I unintentionally ate very little hence probably it exhausted me combined with bad news and saturday’s breakdown. Anyway. I have no choice but to go on, believing it will be better. My last major goal was to have a romantic partner, haha. Because I just want to. I mean, I don’t think I need to justify why I’d want a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and I don’t think I worked hard for this goal lol. I mean, I didn’t go out of my way to reach people. I liked like... three people this year, I still like one of them, but... It didn’t... go far. That’s probably because I still haven’t completely shaken off my shyness and unwillingness to get out of my comfort zone.

In conclusion, I have achieved 3/5 of my goals, which is more than half of it! So good job! For the girlfriend/boyfriend part, I, haha, I may neglect it for this year I mean it’s dumb to date someone just because??? You want to date before year ends right??? I mean, I’m not exactly angry at myself for that because it’s not only in my control so I think I forgive myself for not achieving that goal.

Academics though.

Ugh, academics are extremely terrifying to me.

That’s one big thing I need to settle.

On the bright side I have— two months! Silly me thought I have just one! So... let me... work hard in these two months!!!! And I’ll update if I can get a better GPA this semester. And if I get a lover. It’s ok not to have lovers but at least let me keep the GPA high I BEG you.

I’ve got new goals settled for 2020. But I will focus on achieving my last two goals before the year ends (academics mostly) and... update!

I don’t know who needs to read this. But I don’t mind having my journey posted at this point. I still feel very uncomfortable talking about depression, actually. But it was my reality. Now that I truly moved on, I can talk about it and critisize myself for all good and all bad.

I hope, to anyone who bothered to read so long, it gave some hope. That things can get better. That you CAN make things better little by little. 2020 can be your year. Or you can start on this very day like I randomly started on February (I didn’t have a thing for February, I just so happened to decide).

I’ll always be cheering those who do their best to make a difference.

Stay safe and let’s work hard. ❤️

Disclaimer: Some of my kind hearted readers were worried about me because Conflict describes unhealthy mindsets. Don’t worry— more than half of them are not based on my real life experiences! I’m not self-harming (never did, don’t think I ever will), neglecting antidepressants (I never used any actually), have suicidal tendencies (well, that part was real but no longer valid) AND I DON’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP LIKE NORMAN/PETER sO Y’ALL CAN CHILL thank you for worrying about me I love you all

And I’ll be more than happy to be your goals-buddy if you want to change something about yourself as well!!!

[wordsandwickedthings]

A very snowbaz Halloween

Simon and penny were invited to a Halloween party. the only struggle? is getting Baz to come with them.

snowbaz

warnings: swearing, they talk about Baz’s dick for a bit...sorry

Simon Snow never thought he’d fit in in college. He wasn’t super popular at Watford but being the mysterious chosen one made him interesting or important enough he never felt unpopular; being the supposed most powerful mage made him inescapably someone. At college, though, Simon was no one, and, Merlin, he did love it.  

He did fit in – at college that is – he didn’t have a large number of social skills, to begin with, but he had made a few friends during his first chemistry class, and it was like a domino effect after that. Growing until he had a nice group of friends, and more importantly: wasn’t nearly as terrified to meet new people.

Which lead him to his current situation.

There was a party that night, more specifically a hallowing party.

The only problem? He had a stubborn boyfriend who likes huddling up of Simon’s couch with junk food and homework rather than going out and socializing with a bunch of strangers.

“why do I have to go to this thing?” Baz was indeed sitting on Simon’s couch, with a cup of coffee and a book opened in front of him.

“because,” the other boy whined while adjusting his tie, “you’re my boyfriend, and all our classes are on different sides of the school and our schedules conflict, so I never see you. And you’ve never met any of my normal friends, and they all really want to meet you!”

“they’re starting to think you don’t actually have a boyfriend, aren’t they?”

Simon whined again, this time much louder, “they keep asking penny if you’re my Snuffleupagus.”

Baz let out a chuckle, “what is that?” he flipped his book closed, finally giving his boyfriend his undivided attention.

“I don’t know something from an American normal tv show,” the golden-haired boy shrugged, except he wasn’t golden anymore. It had been charmed by Penny to be pitch black, his ocean eyes charmed green.

“what even are you supposed to be?” Baz asked him.

Simon looked down at himself; he had a school uniform on, with thick robes over top of It, and a red and gold tie peeking out from his sweater vest. He had thick round glasses on, charmed so he could see out of them, and a fake scar on his forehead in the shape of a lightning bolt.

“Harry Potter,” Simon told him, “Penny says he’s a character in a book. He’s a chosen one too, apparently.”

The vampire stands up, giving Simon a once over, “is he as bad of a chosen one as you were?”

He smiled a bit, shrugging, “Penny said kind of.”

“speaking of Bunce, where is she?”

There was a perfectly timed crash noise at that moment, coming from where the bedrooms were; Penny emerging from Simons room with her purple hair pulled back into a bun, wearing a grey button up on – the short sleeves rolled up a few times – and a pair of dark skinny jeans.

“those are my clothes!” Baz gapped, his eyes drifting down to what he hand was gripping, “that’s my wand!”

Penelope smiled wickedly, revealing a set of fake fangs over her canines, “anyone want to guess what I’m being for hallowing.” She put her arms behind her back, swinging back and forth.

“you need a new roommate, Snow.”

Simon was to busy laughing to pay attention to the annoyed vampire. “I think she’s a cuter you, Baz.”

Baz shot daggers at the freckled-boy, “no one’s cuter than me.”

Penny laughed, winking at the tall boy, “so, I’ve been thinking of what Baz could be for the party, and I think I’ve got a few solid ideas.”

“Oh, no,” Baz pointed a finger at his imposter, “I haven’t even agreed to go to this stupid thing, let alone wear a costume.”

Simon tilted his head, so it lands on Baz’s shoulder, looking up at his boyfriend, “but its Halloween!”

The vampire looked down at his whiny boyfriend, glaring at him with his jaw locked, which Simon had learned he did whenever he was trying not to give into Simons affection. The ex-chosen one counted that as a slight win.

“why should I care about a stupid, normie holiday,” he said, “and besides, I’m already a vampire, why do I need to dress up?”

“does that mean you’re coming?” Simon perked up.

“you can’t because I’m being a vampire,” Penelope butts in.

“You’re being me!”

Penny came forward, grabbing Baz by the shoulder, examining him. “now, we have a few options to go with here; Aquaman is always a good option, you have abs from sports and all, but I think my other Idea is the best one.” She clapped her hands.

Baz turned to the other boy in the room, “I thought you said you’d never do anything to make me uncomfortable.”

He cocked his head, “are you, really, truly, uncomfortable?”

“Damn you both,” Baz grumbled. He raised his arm up, already knowing penny was going to use a spell on him, closing his eyes in dread.

Simon watched from the side as penny retrieved her own wand, swishing it in a squiggle in front of the vampire. His clothed shifted from wearing an oversized hoodie and sweatpants, into a skintight black bodysuit with what looked like a blue v across his chest, a black mask over his eyes.

Baz blinked his eyes open, looking up at them.

Penny was grinning, looking over the costume – she looked pleased until her eyes traveled lower. She flung her head to the side and let out a shriek.

Baz flinched, looking down, his hands flying to his crotch, “you forgot to charm me a cup?!”

Simon burst out laughing at that moment.

Penny squealed, “how was I supposed to know you’d need a cup! I don’t have a dick!”

“it’s a skin-tight suit! What did you think would happen?!” Baz yelled. Penny had clapped her hands over her eyes, but peaked through them slightly, “Don’t look at it!” Baz screamed again.

“I wasn’t!” she lifted Baz’s shirt over, “it’s just – I mean – can’t you just make it work?”

Baz’s face was pure horror, “NO! give me my wand!”

Penny threw the stick, curling back so her arms were over her face, “I don’t want to go near it.”

Simon was still grinning wildly when Baz went for his discarded wand, giggling at the vampires attempts to move in the constricting outfit.

When a cup was charmed, and Penny felt safe enough to show her face again, Baz pointed his wand at Simon, “and you; never laugh when were referencing my dick ever again.”

The miracle boy smiled, “we're going to be late. You are coming right, Baz?”

Baz made a grumbling noise, “the things I do for you, Simon fucking Snow.”

Penny bounced up and down, going to their door, “let's go!”

When Baz turned to fallow her, Simon wrapped his arm around Baz’s shoulder, bringing the other boy closer to him, “I do like your costume by the way.” He pressed his lips to Baz’s cheekbone.

“I’m sure you do, Snow,” the raven-haired boy said, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s waist. “I still think Halloween is a stupid holiday though.”

[whistlewhileiblogit]

Red Flags/Gut Instincts

Here I go, ranting again.

But if you meet someone, anyone, and you get a funny feeling from them?

Go with your gut.

If you have been getting to know someone for say, a few months, and they suddenly say something that seems alarming.

Go with your gut.

Even if you have known a person for years. Maybe in conversation they say something troubling like, "I want to test (friend/partner/whoever) to see how much they care", I can guarantee, you are better off breaking off a years-long friendship than enduring that sort of manipulative, abuse behaviour.

People may think that is cold. And maybe it is. But I have seen and experienced people showing red flag after red flag and ignored it. And guess what? It never works out in the end.

That girl you think is kinda cute admits she wants someone that will completely dote on her, but she refuses to do the same to her partner?

That guy you like gives you a sob story about all his "crazy" exes?

The friend you have had for fourteen years doesn't listen to you when you try to explain your personal grievances to them?

DITCH THEIR ASSES.

I promise you, red flags are always real. If you get alarm bells going off for any reason, trust your instincts.

Trust them, because I wish I had.

I know what it's like to have blind faith in people. I did for most off my life. Someone every now and then might have said "hey, so and so is a bit of an asshole, Rom, Dick and Harry have all said so" and I'd be confused and wonder why they'd think that. Because so and so was always nice to me, they didn't seem like the type of person to be an asshole right?

I could give example after example, but I will give a true, personal, and probably tmi story.

So I'd been seeing this guy for a short while. And already we both were super into each other. We had spent almost every day together, literally staying awake all night to go on night rides and "aventures" (at least they were to me). I looked at this guy, this gorgeous guy, and I thought he was perfect. Perfect for me. He treated me so well. Better than anyone had before. And he was genuine, and honest. And he actually seemed to really like me. On these night drives, we'd talk about everything, and I mean everything. Stupid stuff, our interests, deep 'n meaningful things...things neither of us shared with anyone else. We'd jam out to music (particularly our shared interest in early 2000's "emo" music), and I'd laugh as he'd put on some heavy metal and headbang. We would often park near a beach or wharf, and we'd hang around there throwing rocks in the water, chatting some more, and sometimes he would pull his guitar out from the boot of his car and play music for me. More than once he did this while we sat in the back of his car and watched the sunrise together.

I felt like I was in a movie. It was so perfect. Too perfect, yet I never once bat an eye.

Until I got what I realised was my first major red flag.

So, now comes the tmi part. But I swear, it's necessary for the story.

So once night we were parked somewhere in his car again, just hanging as usual. Now, before this night, we hadn't done...well, anything save for giving each other hickeys one night. But oddly enough we hadn't even actually kissed yet. (both very shy)

Anyway so this night he finally kissed me, which was a big deal for both of us but especially for him because he'd never made the first move on anyone before (or so he told me, I can't actually confirm). And long story short...we had sex.

To clarify, this was a massive deal for me, (and supposedly him too but again, can't confirm) because I am very...picky when it comes to who I sleep with. Idc if people choose to sleep with loads of people but I personally can only ever sleep with someone I really, truly care about. So this is my long winded way of saying that I cared about this dude...a lot. And again, I believed he felt the same way. But I was especially nervous, because it had been only a few weeks. I'd usually wait much longer.

Anyway, so after that night, everything kept going fine...until a few weeks later, and surprise surprise, we were having sex again. And he suddenly stopped and said, "hey...you don't think I'm jist using you for sex, right?"

I was stunned. Where the fuck had that come from? My first reaction was, "what the fuck? No? Why would I think that?" to which he replied, "I've just had someone accuse me of that in the past." and I sorta went, "Oh okay...well I don't think that" and that seemed to settle his concerns.

And this was where I genuinely felt my first red flag pop up. A little voice in the back of my head was telling me something wasn't right about that. Why would he think that I thought that? And why bring it up and such an...inopportune time?

But, stupid, heart-eyed me just shrugged it off. I suppose I figured it was his anxiety, or insecurities showing or something.

But here's the kicker; four months down the line he suddenly didn't want to see me anymore because he "wasn't ready for a relationship". But we stayed friends (keeping in mind there was still flirting and light sexting going on in this time) because I stupidly thought that maybe down the line somewhere, he might be ready. And even if he wasn't, I didn't want to lose such a great guy as my friend. I just wanted him.to be happy, after all. A few months after that? He sent me snapchats of his new girl IN HIS BED POST...ugh. You could imagine.

Anyway, I don't tell this to get pity or whatever. But take it as a cautionary tale, if you will. If I had been smart, and listened to my gut, not my heart or my pussy (graphic but true), I wouldn't have had my heart broken. I may have been bummed out that things didn't work out with the hot guy I really liked... But I wouldn't have gotten nearly as messed up as I am now.

And honestly? I'd be lying if I said I didn't still have feelings for him. All this messed up shit, and I can't even bring myself to be proper angry with him...because of my feelings.

But if I can prevent anyone from taking a stupid risk like I did? Then maybe it'll be worth the hurt.

I mean it; the SECOND you have a friend, colleague, partner...who the fuck ever- give you red flags or bad vibes... Just do yourself a favour and avoid contact if you can. We have these instincts for a reason, and so many of us choose to ignore them just to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but is it really worth it?

If you think someone you met at a bar is creepy and you don't want to be alone with them? Don't be out of politeness.

Who knows? Creepy Gary from the bar might actually be the loveliest man you've ever met, but is it worth running the risk that your gut is screaming "something isn't right with this guy!"

I'd much rather be a little embarrassed over getting a judgement wrong rather than ignoring my judgement and getting hurt.

And let's be real; how often are your instincts wrong?

[1dsongpreferencess]

50: PERFECT - ONE DIRECTION

HARRY

“I might never be your knight in shining armor I might never be the one you take home to mother And I might never be the one who brings you flowers But I can be the one, be the one tonight”

Being the new person in a group of friends was terrifying for you. But your new friend and only friend in LA, Lisa, was excited for you to meet her friends and that’s why you decided to go to that dinner. You were shy but their friends were nice and you were feeling more confident until you saw Harry Styles arriving at the table and sitting almost in front of you. “Oh, and He’s Harry who’s always late” Lisa said, introducing you to him. You were shocked, because she never told you one of his friends was him and you now had to pretend that you weren’t a huge fan, but it was too late and you were staring at him without blinking. Lisa moved you and you reacted. “Oh sorry, I’m y/n I just didn’t know you were friends” He smiled and that calmed you. As hours passed by Harry kept talking to you all night and suddenly there were only 3 people left: Clara, him and you. And of course, she realized that she was third-wheeling so she left the two of you. When she left, he started to get close to you and of course you were having the time of your life. He smelled so good. You were laughing and having a good time and then he said flirty “Ok so y/n, I try to be always honest,  right now, I’m not looking for anything serious and I think you’re beautiful and we have chemistry. So, what I’m asking you is to have a great night together, no strings attached and befriends if you agree. No one has to now” you weren’t sure what to say, you weren’t that kind of girl since you might get some feelings, but well you were living in a new country and he has always been your crush and you decided to take the risk. You didn’t’ said anything but kiss him passionately and he followed the kiss. For tonight, you will enjoy being with him.

ZAYN “Girl, I hope you're sure What you're looking for 'Cause I'm not good at making promises”

You kinda new you were a rebound for Zayn that was heart-broken about his last relationship and well, you were ok with it because being honest you were heart-broken too. But as months passed by, you weren’t only having sex or late-night calls. Now, you were spending lots of time on each other’s house, going out for dinner or drinks even going to the movies. He became your number one person to call and you became his and it felt good because you were feeling like you were finally recovering from that terrible last partner you had. Zayn was a great friend, and of course, you also had a great time in bed so it was like you had it all. But it suddenly hit you, you were falling for him and that wasn’t good because you knew he was still missing his ex. It was late and you were at his place having some pizza, you were wearing some of his pajamas and felt so comfortable that you decided to be honest with him but as you were about to speak he talked first. “Y/n, I gotta be honest with you…” he said, now you were sure he was about to say he was coming back to her ex and you could feel your heartbreaking again. “Ok, tell me I’m ready to hear it” you said trying to sound brave and he smiled and keep talking “This months with you have been so amazing, and you knew that I wasn’t completely for you but you stayed and always make me feel better and I’ve been feeling like I’m falling in love with you… and I know we weren’t expecting that but it just happened and you know I’m not ready to a full commitment but I want to try it with you. You are so worth it” He looked at the floor nervous waiting for your answer and you couldn’t help but have a huge smile on your face. “Oh my God, I thought you were back with your ex. Zayn, I feel the same and I was going to tell all about it tonight but you said it first. Let’s give it a try, no promises in between. Let’s just do it” You replied kissing him and you could feel his smile. Maybe it was never a rebound.

LIAM “If you like to do the things you know that we shouldn't do Then, baby, I'm perfect Baby, I'm perfect for you”

You and your two best friends from college have been saving for months for this trip to Bora Bora, and you were having the time of your life. You were all day at the beach and tanning and then you were spending all night drinking and dancing at the bar hotel. You three were a little bit crazy but you loved each other so much. And you weren’t even thinking about boys so almost every time one approached you, you refused to dance except if you fancied the guy. You were hearing some waitress conversation about a famous singer staying in the hotel and you decided you have to knew who it was. Funny thing you were at the dancefloor when a boy got closer and asked you to dance. Well, it was LIAM PAYNE and of course, you agreed to dance and as your friends knew how a huge fan of One Direction you were they approved it immediately, eventually, everyone was leaving to their rooms, it was 3 am but not Liam or you wanted to go to bed and you decided to go to the beach and see the sunrise together. It was great talking to him because it felt like he was a normal man having and a good time with you. You were getting along really well and making so much noise that someone of the staff asked you to keep it quiet and you tried to but it was hard since he was so funny and charming. You ended up having breakfast together and trying to see each other in New York since you lived there. It was the greatest memory of your trip.

NIALL “And if you like midnight driving with the windows down And if you like going places we can't even pronounce If you like to do whatever you've been dreaming about Baby, you're perfect”

You were officially over with college and that made you happy. And your boyfriend of 1 year, Niall, has promised you a surprise gift and well that made you even more excited. It was your last day and Niall decided to pick you up and you were happy to see him there, when you got into the car you saw some luggage and you were excited. You loved traveling with him because you would always have a great time, and knowing it was a road trip was even greater even though you drove for hours and it was also midnight when you arrived. You were singing along to your favorite songs and letting the breeze come inside your car. Life couldn’t be greater right now. You arrived at the place and it was a beautiful cabin inside the woods. When you came in, it was even more pretty and warm since the chimney was on. You felt so loved, this was like a dream come true. And seeing all the little details, like the fact he brought all your favorite food and picked your favorite clothes, made you feel so loved. He was truly a great boyfriend and you felt the luckiest girl alive knowing he has made it all for you.

LOUIS “And if you like cameras flashing every time we go out And if you're looking for someone to write your breakup songs about Baby, I'm perfect Baby, we're perfect”

Being part of a music video has always been your dream, you were so excited to be the love interest in that video that you almost couldn’t sleep the night before. Because it was confidential you didn’t know who was the singer. You arrived and saw lots of girls trying to see him and that’s how you saw Louis face. Louis Tomlinson was the singer. You loved his music so you were excited. You were getting ready and the make up artist was doing her job when he went to say hi. “Oh, so you’re y/n. My crush today. It’s nice to meet ya”. he said super nice and with his beautiful accent. You smiled and replied “Hi Louis, nice to meet you too. I’m excited” he stayed there a couple of minutes talking to you about how he imagined the video and you feel like you were going to have a great day together. And it was, you had so much chemistry that the scenes were you were together were easy to make. And suddenly, it was a wrap, and you were done. You were saying thank you to everyone until it was time to say goodbye to Louis and to be honest you wanted to keep contact with him but you had to be professional and tried to keep it cool. “Lou, it was amazing working with you. Thank you” you said giving him a little hug. “Oh y/n I was thinking about you. I wanted to ask if you wanted to have a drink with me tonight” he said. You smiled and agreed. You went out and there were so many paparazzi and fans, he stopped and took some photos with some of them and they were nice, you weren’t used to that but it didn’t felt like a big deal since you were going to spend more time with that handsome guy.

Since it was my 50th post i wanted to make it about a song I really love of them!! :)