#he 100% did it because he was scared of the backlash of asking to go there during the day for his own purposes

[holocene-sims]

Things said meme number 31 for Grant and Grant's late sister situation 😭😭😭

ooh okay this is a good one 👀 a really good one! sorry it took me so long to post, though!! it's been sitting in my drafts for a hot minute lol

anyway welcome to the angst express train 🌧️

btw this is a pretty fucked up example of grant's childhood so...

tw for death mention & tw for abuse. anyone reading this, scroll right past this post please if this could be triggering for you! the part with the abuse is placed under the cut for safety as well, so you won't see anything unless you click on it!!

31. things you said at my grave

she’d given him a letter last month.

she handed it to him in the middle of the night without much fanfare. she knocked on his bedroom door, slipped the letter through the crack, and walked away with nary a word spoken.

grant picked it up, though, soon after she vanished and found that she’d sealed the envelope with a bright pink hello kitty birthday sticker. he flips it over and reads the perfect cursive inscription on the back.

“happy birthday to my favorite person <3 XOXO, elizabeth”

it wasn’t his birthday, so he put it away in the nightstand, confused, and saved it for later.

she did the same thing the next night, although that time she’d explicitly asked to come into his room, and she came bearing a beautiful wooden lockbox–almost an exact replica of their grandmother’s decades-old handmade jewelry box–and a key to go with it. she placed it neatly on top of his cluttered shelf of hockey trophies, then sat beside him on his bed where he lay awake, staring at the ceiling.

“what are you doing?”

“stuff,” elizabeth replies, her voice shakier and more fragile than ever, “don’t tell kelly.”

“don’t tell kelly what?”

“that i didn’t do this for her.”

“didn’t do what for her?”

elizabeth leans over and cups his face in her cold, skeletal hands. when he looks up, he sees a waterfall of tears pouring down her cheeks, and suddenly, he knows what all of this is about.

“the letter i gave you yesterday...whether i'm here or not, open it on your birthday.” elizabeth lingers for a moment, still cradling his face, then she abruptly sits upright and points to the box. “and all of those...you can look through them whenever you want. look, not open. but it’s just letters. you’ll figure it out. you’ll know when it’s time for each of them.”

grant rises from bed, too, and clamors out from underneath his pile of blankets to rest beside her on the edge.

“lizzie, no–” he pleads, grabbing for her wrist, “don’t die.”

“i don’t want you to feel like you’re alone for the rest of your life. you wouldn’t believe me if i say i think heaven is real and that you shouldn’t worry because i'll be with you forever, just farther away. so i had to do something, okay? keep these as a reminder of me, that i'm always here. grant, i'm–um, i'm so sorry i can’t see you grow up. i'm so sorry i can’t protect you anymore. it’s the only regret i have about this life. but i know you and i know that you’ll be fine, that you’ll live a good life, and that you’ll be happy someday when you get out of here. i can let go because i know you’ll be okay, but i can’t let you feel like you’re alone. okay? i will miss you more than anything and i know it’ll be the same for you, but keep these and, um...someday way off in the future, we’ll see each other again and we’ll have a lot to catch up on.”

and now he kneels here, sobbing, at her fresh grave site in torrential rain under the pitch black blanket of night, clutching the first letter in the safety of the inner pocket of his rain jacket. the grave is no more than a roughshod pile of unearthed dirt surrounded by mountains of flowers and signs with elizabeth’s name and pictures of her before she’d been struck by the hand of fate and the daunting c-word. the photographs are far from old, being handpicked from last year’s high school graduation photoshoot.

grant hesitates to pull out the letter but does so anyway, knowing his time here is as limited as her time on earth was. he’d forgotten to fiddle with the house security alarm before he leapt out his second-story bedroom window and hauled himself down to the ground via the nearest tall tree. the last sound he’d heard as he sprinted out the backyard and over the wrought-iron fence was the shrill whine of the alarm alerting everyone to an “intrusion.”

surely the three mile dash from his home to the catholic church’s cemetery would give his parents plenty of opportunity to discover he'd gone missing and for them to subsequently bother to care about where their least favorite child ran off to.

just as he begins anxiously working away at peeling off the sticker without damaging it, the distinct echo of footsteps in entrenched mud behind him sends his heart rate flying sky-high. he considers making a run for it again to either his uncle’s or his grandparents’ house down the hill–there’s no doubt he can outrun his 50 year old parents and unathletic older sister–but decides against it.

he’d come here on the earliest hour of his twelfth birthday to read the letter with the company of his sister, even though she's six feet underneath him. no way he’s backing out now.

“you are nothing but trouble! get up! get up right now!”

lightning strikes a tree on the opposite side of the cemetery. the ensuing bomb of thunder kills his ears and nearly drowns out his mother’s incessant screaming.

grant stays where he is, praying lightning strikes him before his mother does. finally, though, the sticker releases and he frees the letter from the envelope in record speed.

“grant, come on, just get up…” his sister kelly begs. “it’s late and it’s storming and we have to pick out the headstone tomorrow. we all miss her. now let’s go.”

his mother tries again to rattle him. “there is no need for you to go around making this all about you! i should not have to chase you down in the middle of the night when i have just buried my daughter!”

he ignores them all and reads the letter patiently.

he’s halfway through when kelly’s whining breaks his concentration.

“let’s do this the easy way, grant.”

if his father is there, he’s doing what he always does, and that’s nothing.

“alright, that’s enough!” his mother screams at the top of her lungs. “get up or help me god you’ll be in the ground next to her!”

grant immediately halts what he’s doing and glances over his shoulder, eyeing his family with suspicion. his father and sister are clad in pajamas but his mother–who is marching his way like darth vader on steroids–had apparently wasted energy and time to dress herself up in proper clothing before driving out this way.

of course she had. she can’t be seen abusing her children in anything less than the 400 dollar dress she’d worn to the funeral yesterday, can she?

seeing her coming after him, he panics and starts gearing up to run away, only to fumble with the letter and let it slip from his hands to scurry away in the harsh wind. he desperately reaches for it, only to be stopped dead by his mother’s talons gripping onto his hair and yanking him backwards. he crumbles under the unexpected weight of her strength and his head slams full-force into the solid ground. she slips up for just a moment, letting him go, but nothing stops her. she reaches down and grabs him by the shoulders and continues dragging him by hand through the mud.

“mary, let him go.” at last, his father pipes up. “that’s a bit much.”

“shut up and stay out of my way! i’ll let the child go when he obeys me for the first time in his life. he’ll learn someday!”

grant’s eyes flutter open to the world spinning like a tilt-a-whirl around him. he lifts his head and looks out ahead of him, but the poor grave just before him is a blurry mess of colors, all washed out by the horrible ache splitting his brain in half.

“i just wanted to be with her…” grant whimpers.

“well, me too, grant! but you don’t see me or your father or your sister acting a fool, do you?”

the grave slowly slips farther and farther away as he’s pulled–kicking and fighting and smashing his head into the ground every other second–towards the parking lot. but he grows tired of lashing out against his mother and his fear and hatred of her is replaced by primal, unbridled grief.

“why did you leave me?!” ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. “take me with you, take me with you, take me with you! don’t leave me! please, please, please…take me with you! or come back! please don’t leave me! elizabeth, please…”

he braces for the impact of his body on concrete just as a bright burst of yellow from a flashlight shines in his and his mother’s faces. she gasps and stumbles away, releasing her iron-grip on his body. grant stumbles forward and up onto his knees, almost careening over, but he’s caught by another set of arms.

he doesn’t even need to look up to know his grandparents overheard the commotion and rushed over to discover the source.

somewhere off in the background, his mother is engaging his uncle and his grandfather in a screaming match, but grant loses track of the words soon enough and melts into his grandmother’s warm embrace, still sobbing.

“please don’t leave me, elizabeth.” he begs once more into the void. “don’t leave me. i don't want to be alone.”

[sidespart]

For the fake fic title, if you're still doing it: Why do you hate me? (I honestly don't know where I came up with this lol)

X-Men AU!!! Found Family + Anxceit friendship. TW: child soldiers, child endangerment, abuse etc

(So typical X-men universe set up: some people are born with the X gene, which typically triggers during puberty, giving that person a mutation which normally results in cool powers. Many people hate mutants for their differences (/ bad press of people using their mutant powers for the evilz) and so most mutants live in hiding. The Xavier Institute is a school set up by an extremely powerful mutant which seeks to provide a safe space for young mutants to learn to manage their powers, get a regular education and hopes to see peace between humanity and mutant kind. The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants is a group of mutants who believe humans will never let mutant live in peace and do various anti-human, pro-mutant vaguely terrorist-y actions (there’s like a billion version of the x-men and these details may not be correct for all the versions all of the time because comics but this is the vague idea))

ANYWAY PLOT - Containment breach at the Super Secret Child Soldier Lab (SSCSL) - Subject VII has escaped. Subject VII is only 6-7 years old but his mutations were artificially triggered much younger than is normal. He can warp reality and create very sophisticated illusions, but has very limited control over his powers.

Cut too - Virgil and Dee, a couple of teenage mutants living on the street. They find a little boy with a buzzcut wandering around The Bad Part Of Town and Virgil immediately decides they need to adopt/help him (Dee makes more of a fuss about how this is not their responsibility and the kids barely even talking and do you know how hard I work just to keep you and now you wanna add another mouth to feed?? Huhh?? but obviously does not actually say no) (Dee is like. Barely any older than Virgil he’s just dramatic). 

Naturally, just as the three of them have had time to bond, the SSCSL and other assorted bad guys show up to try and take VII back. There’s a big fight, Virgil and Dee have a lot more experience with flight and would probably have ended up dead if the X-men (Patton and Logan) hadn't shown up to save them. 

But they lose VII.

Patton and Logan take them back to the Xavier institute to recuperate and offer to let them stay. They can go to school there, get some training and help the X-men track down VII and the whole SSCSL. Virgil says yes, Dee says no.

(So, reasoning - Virgil's mutation developed when he was 12. It was not pleasant. Various students at his school were injured and the media set up a which hunt for the mutant that caused the chaos. Virgil ran away from home because he was worried about the backlash on his family and about hurting anyone else again. So to him, this school full of mutants who can help him control his power, can offer him stability and a return to normal structures and routines, who are promising to help him get in contact with his parents if and when he’s ready?? This is like every fantasy he’s ever had come true

Unlike the other characters, Dee’s primary mutation is physical. He was born with it, its very obvious and its resulted in him being rejected for most of his life. He bounced around increasingly disturbing foster homes before running away when he was very young, so most of his memories are of living on the streets and surviving on his own. So, to him, number one: all adults are inherently untrustworthy idiots and number two: stay at a school? where they expect him to have a curfew? and, what - write essays? follow all their random arbitrary rules? rely on them for food and heat and all that shit? Completely ludicrous.)

It doesn't occur to either of them that the other one isn't going to agree with them. The resulting argument is epic and cruel, both hurling accusations at the other (Ungrateful /controlling are two of the big ones..) and both basically feeling hateful and 100% betrayed. Dee leaves and although they look for him, he’s got a lifetime experience of hiding and they cant find him.

CUT TO - 5 years later. Virgil is a (semi) well adjusted 19 year old junior X-men. He’s still a bit withdrawn, but is very close with Patton and Logan. He’s still holding out hope of finding VII one day and still firmly pretending he’s not listing out for any possible news of Dee (there were rumours some years ago of him joining the brother hood of evil mutants but then it all went quiet) who he, of course, hates for his betrayal. 

BUT THEN - mysterious knocking at the door in the night. Dee, now wearing a hat and cape and calling himself Janus, has returned. And he’s brought with him a little boy with a buzzcut and a tattoo of XXII on his foot.

Janus and Virgil need to put aside their resentment and work together to help XXII, who really does not seem interested in helping them, and hopefully use any clues he can give them about the SSCSL to track down VII. But that's difficult when they’re both still struggling with their own trauma and have no idea how to reconnect - both of them want to ask why do you hate me but are a bit too scared of the answer. ...

This already got way to long so mutant power/ extra back story descriptions under cut!

Patton - 22/27 years old. An extremely powerful telepath/empath. It takes him serious concentration and focus to not hear peoples thoughts and its almost impossible to not feel their feelings. Some people dislike him because of this as they feel he's spying on them. Grew up in the Xavier institute and 100% believes in and is committed to the future where humans and mutants live in harmony. Has pretty limited life experience in the real world. Sometimes floats. (inspired by professor X)

Logan - 21/26 years old. Fires destructive laser beams from his eyes. Was in a car accident when he was younger leaving him with permanent but apparently harmless brain damage - until his mutation developed and he slowly realised that no matter how much he trained he just couldn't control his power. Has to wear specialised eye guards at all times to keep himself from accidentally destroying everything around him. Had big plans to go to university and was angry at his mutation for a long time for getting in the way of that. Eventually enrolled online and is now a very dedicated teacher at the Institute. (inspired by cyclops) 

Janus - 15(?) / 20(?) His primary mutation is  lizard/snake like scales over most of his body, but especially the left side. Has oversized fangs, and yellow eye and a short lizard tail. His secondary mutation makes him immune to almost any sort of mental based mutation (so Logan could still knock him on his ass with his lasers, but Patton cant sense anything form him and Virgil cant whammy him). Spent a lot of his life on his own and got by being sneaky, cunning and charming. Initially took Virgil in because he saw that his powers could be useful for keeping them both safe, but eventually Virgil became his first real friend.

Virgil - 14/19. Shadow manipulation and ‘draining’. Virgil can make himself (and with practice, people he touches) literally disappear into the shadows. He can also direct shadows as powerful energy ‘blasts’, but in order to do so he has to drain any surrounding living things of their energy. When his mutation first developed  he took out half of the school hall where his exam was being held, leaving 15 students in a coma. (inspired by rouge/shadow cat)

VII - 6? / 11? Reality warping/illusion powers. One of the institutes first successful subjects. He was able to escape by changing the wall of his cell into a door. He finds it hard to talk but can project his ideas as lifelike illusions who can talk for him. One of his best is the image a handsome grown up Prince and he will often use this Illusion as an avatar to communicate. When he was 6 he did have some hazy memories of outside the SSCSL and expressed a desire to go home. Current status is unknown. 

XXI - 7.  Illusion powers  (reality warping has been removed from the program by his time as subjects proved too difficult to control). Has no memories of outside the institute and is extremely uncooperative with his new captors/guardians. He does not understand the affection they’re trying to show him and lashes out a lot, often by creating a lot of extremely disturbing and graphic illusions. Bites. 

[mythiccheroacademia]

Hello, Can I request headcanon for Todoroki, Shinsou and Midoriya who is dating Aizawa's daughter? She is in class 1-A but has a Quirk different from his.

hey honey! i’m assuming you want Y/N to be “Aizawa’s Daughter” so i’ll write it from that perspective. hope you enjoy this one and thank you for your patience

A/N: There’ll be a variation amongst Aizawa’s daughter’s bloodline. She’ll either be adopted or biological. Either way, it’ll be noted. 

Warnings: none!

Todoroki Shouto:

Quirk: Dream Manifestation

Origin: Biological

when you had gotten your acceptance letter from U.A., your father was equally happy and terrified

your path to heroism became all the more real and he couldn’t help but worry

he had single-handedly raised you ever since your mother passed and it was difficult considering how much of a mental backlash your quirk had on you

you could create a reality of anything you had previously dreamt

all your dreams, whether they were good or bad, stayed with you and replayed in your like an ongoing mantra--you barely slept because of it

he knew it wouldn't be easy and with him being your teacher, it just put that much more pressure on him

but you looked at him with sternness he recognized as his own

“i’m doing this. i’m strong and i’m going to prove it to you. so, don’t you go easy on me.”

he gave you half a laugh. yeah, you were his kid

but that would be kept on the DL to avoid favoritism so you went by your mother’s maiden name instead

you adjusted well to class 1-A

they were much nicer than the kids at your previous school, even if they did give you a bit of hard time about how you looked like you never slept

the quiet boy in the corner caught your attention though

he looked like some anime character created by a 12-year-old boy, but he was cute

after the sports festival, he opened up and you noticed that he was easy to talk to

he was straight forward, ambitious, and kind (underneath the hard exterior) so you took a liking to him

you found out, through an odd push from Uraraka, he liked you too

that’s when the secret dating started

because, as much as you loved and respected your father, he was always...weird when it came to boys

the first time you expressed an interest in one, it turned into an hour and a half lecture about planned parenthood and you just about died

Todoroki didn’t quite understand why you wanted to keep your relationship a secret

when you revealed that you were Aizawa’s daughter to him, he became a little more hesitant

but, he got over it. he loved, adored, and respected you too much to be scared of your father’s reaction. he was never one for attention, but he couldn’t help but want to show the world what you and he had

so, imagine your surprise when he showed up at your house with your father blankly staring him down

todoroki bowed and said, 

“Forgive me for showing up unannounced. I am dating your daughter, Mr. Aizawa, and I feel that you should know this.”

you: rip

but he kept going

“I want you to also know that I love and cherish Y/N with everything I have. I will always protect her and you can trust me to be her equal in all things. I hope we can have your blessing on this relationship.”

Aizawa stared before he nodded. “Fine. Do you want some dinner before you go?”

And that’s how you had your first family dinner with your boyfriend. It seemed like the two men were having a great time and you could barely keep your love-struck eyes from Todoroki

what a man

Hitoshi Shinso

Quirk: Time Manipulation

Origin: Adopted

even before Shinso was moved into the hero course, you two had made a strong friendship

he spent so much time with Aizawa that you around one another a lot

that’s when he found out you were his daughter, you were just adopted

if there was one thing you two connected over, it was the difficulty of having a mental quirk

your quirk wasn’t very flashy, in fact, it wasn’t anything anyone could see at first

whenever something was of a danger to you, in a 100 foot radius, time would slow down and you had five seconds to figure it out before time relapsed

it was sort of like a junked-up sixth sense

sometimes, the days were long and if it occurred too much, it made your mind lag behind your body

with the help of your adopted father, you had gotten good at analyzing your surroundings enough to control the duration of your quirk within those five seconds before entering U.A.

when shinso had moved into class 1-A, you spent even more time together

you’d eat together, train together, and study together

your classmates starting teasing you two 

Aizawa started getting suspicious 

when he confronted you about it, you felt your body flush from the realization that you like liked shinso

“so, are you and shinso dating?”

“uh...error.exe. y/n can’t come to the phone right now”

“but you’re right here--”

“i’m only here so i don’t get fined”

“....what?”

the next day, you texted Shinso to meet you before class

before he could even say anything, you blurted out

“so i might have just convinced my dad’s theory in thinking we were dating. how do i fix it?”

he blinks before going, “huh?”

“that’s all you have to say?”

“i mean--”

“do you even care about your life? my dad’s cool and all, but he could crush you if he wanted to. shouldn’t you be more scared? ugh, men, i swear”

“...i wasn’t planning on asking you out behind the gym, but why not? Be my girlfriend? 

that took you by surprise. “huh?”

“that’s all you have to say?” he teases back

 you take a minute to ingest that he just asked you out and all you can do is give an amused sigh

“you suck. now i have to go tell him he’s right”

shinso pats your head before interlocking fingers with you

“i think we’ll be alright. between you and me, i think i’m his favorite”

“but, i’m his daughter”

“did i stutter?”

you punch his shoulder and he laughs it off

when you tell your father, he’s not even upset. he’s just smug he got it right

Midoriya Izuku:

Quirk:  Aura

Origin: Adopted

becoming a hero wasn’t easy

midoriya could write an entire novel on that

that’s why, after so many failed attempts to prove yourself, he had cheered the loudest when you had won the sports festival during their second-year

it was a wonderful display of all your hard work as your bow glowed with yellow light, the life energy of your will power illuminating your shot as it shined brighter than the sun

midoriya couldn’t help but think of how beautiful you truly were

it was a beautiful finish and you were able to reign in the success of your win before you passed out

you were in and out of consciousness for three days

you had won, but it had hurt you tremendously

izuku was by your side whenever he could be

one time, way past curfew, he had snuck his way into the clinic only to see Aizawa there. he was at your bedside, pushing the hair out of your resting face

before izuku could make a quiet escape, aizawa called out to him

“you need to work on not being so flat-footed. i heard you before i saw you”

“i’m sorry, Mr. Aizawa”

“come in, midoryia. i have something to ask.”

he stumbled in and hoped you wouldn’t wake up because of his clumsiness

it would also be hard to explain why he and their teacher were over her in the middle of the night

“Mr. Aizawa?” he asked

“am i wrong to assume you’ve taken an interest in my daughter, one that goes further than a platonic friendship”

izuku almost fell over his own two feet

daughter?

interest? damn it, how’d he know?

better yet, you're his daughter????

Izuku was stuttering and blushing mess. his hands danced in weird patterns as his words failed to express his confusion and embarrassment

luckily, Aizawa was there to cut him off

“i’ll take that as a yes”

“um--I...well i just--”

“if you plan to act on your feelings, then i only ask one thing”

that’s when izuku calmed down. the change in his teacher’s tone made him blink. “yes?”

there was a vulnerability in his teacher’s eyes that made midoriya feel sympathy. his next words made him smile

“tell her she’s proved herself more than capable. there’s no need for her to end up like this by her own doing...perhaps she’ll believe you more than me”

the boy understood why you pushed yourself so hard. perhaps out of worry, your father had made you think you couldn’t be a great hero. but that was never the case 

he was just being a dad

izuku nodded. “of course”

“thank you”

but before he left, Aizawa’s eyes started to glow a threatening red

“treat her well otherwise, we'll have issues, problem child”

“y-yes sir!”

[hyukiee]

Chapter 7: Influences

warnings: heavy drug mention, cussing, if your uncomfortable with drug use i would stop reading this story NOW

at this point i’ll post when i post im sorry lol let me know if you want to be tagged though

“So do psychedelics really fry your brain?” Hoseok and Jimin have been bombarding you with question while they took a break from their practice. They really have never been around someone like you before. “Only if you do it a lot, many people do it once and never feel the need to do it again,” you will always have a soft spot for psychedelics. You’ve done them about ten times too many but you are a hippy at heart. “Hobi would actually be the most ideal person to do psychedelics, he’s very happy and open minded. I learned the hard way you really have to be in a good mindset for it.” “Wahh, that’s so cool I bet it’s a cool experience,” Jimin responded. It almost sounded like he wanted to try it, you should probably stop talking… the idea sounds fun though. Tripping with the 7 idiots. You absolutely love tripping with innocent ass people, it’s so much fun to watch but you don’t want to be a bad influence.

Psychedelics aren’t addictive though…

“How are you feeling today?” Taehyung asked hugging you tightly with his sweat covered body. “Mm, a lot better actually.” “That’s good, you look a lot better today as well.” “You really do, I thought you were dead when I saw you sleeping on the couch yesterday,” Jin piped in laughing like a window wiper. Taehyung got more and more comfortable being touchy with you around the members as time went by but it’s saying the least when you say you live with 6 cock blockers. Not even the lust inside you could keep your mind off the awful idea Jimin and Hoseok gave you. The usual you wouldn’t think twice about this but you have to admit you’ve gotten comfortable here. You don’t want to mess things up with the guys, ever. Well, maybe it could be a little secret between the three of you… No.

“So why were you so curious earlier ?” You hopped over to Hoseok’s side as he started walking out of the BigHit building. “Mm, it intrigued me, I think Jimin might actually do it someday.” He laughed shaking his head thinking about him. “Don’t you? One day..?” Hobi stopped in his tracks and looked at you. He looked up at the sky in thought before responding, “Maybe, I mean like you said, most people only ever do it once.” You felt like a terrible person right now. “I would love to do it with you, whenever you would want to… i’d be the best to be with actually.” Hobi laughed as he got into the van with you. “I’ll have to think about it.” “Really!?” Okay, maybe you shouldn’t of sounded that excited but really? “Yeah, I mean.. it’s just a one time thing,” He said giving you a small smile. “Do you think any of the other guys would want to do it?” “Oh yeah, all of them probably with a certain amount of convincing.” “REALLY!?”

Is it fucked up that you know exactly how to get the boys to do drugs with you? Maybe. Will it backlash? Probably. You already got Hoseok, Jimin will be easy, Jungkook will probably easily follow, then Hoseok could convince Namjoon and he can convince Jin and Yoongi. That leaves Taehyung. If you can manage your way into getting Taehyung to do it, your best hope would be getting everyone else on board first. You’re not really doing anything wrong, you want them to experience something awesome that shouldn’t hurt them. “Yah, y/n cut to the chase already,” Jimin teased you. You brought him and Hoseok into a room to start your mission, you were definitely stalling. “I kind of got an idea and thought it would be really cool if we all did LSD together just once,” you spoke quietly paranoid someone would walk by and hear you. “Ahh, I mean… it sounds pretty scary but i’m sure you got us covered … that actually sounds pretty fun,” Jimin basically thought out loud about your idea. Two down, five to go. “How would you get it anyways?” Hokseok asked getting a sudden realization that you are brand new to South Korea, you couldn’t of possibly found any drug dealers that fast. “Oh don’t worry, I can get that shit shipped easy,” Jimin gave you a look, silently wondering how you would know this but come on, it’s you. “By the way, how should I ask Jungkook?”

“Wah, isn’t that stuff dangerous? I mean, I don’t know what the hyung will think about it honestly,” Jungkook rubbed the back of his neck responding to the question fo the week. “Well, Jimin and Hoseok said yes,” “Really?” He responded kind of surprised, you weren’t the only one that didn’t suspect those two to be the ones to say yes. “Aren’t you supposed to be getting sober though?” He asked giving off a little suspicion. “I am, this one time won’t change that at all, don’t worry,” “Good luck convincing Tae that,” Jungkook laughed patting you on the back. You weren’t the only one that knew how impossible it will be to convince Taehyung either apparently.

The boys did you good convincing the others to get on board but now Taehyung is the only one unaware of the sceam that’s going on. If someone slips up before you get to him your screwed. He was out getting food for everyone so you were just impatiently sitting in the living room, pretending to watch TV. You kept looking at the front door before finally, your handsome man walked through the door. Yours. God, don’t fuck this up. “Hey baby, what are you watching?��� He asked kissing you on your forehead before going to set the food down. “Ah, I don’t really know to be honest,” you nervously laughed. “Tae, can we talk for a bit?” You started to play with your fingers and shake your leg. “Of course, you have your doctors appointment tomorrow by the way.. for your medication,” You almost completely forgot about that. Which is kind of a good thing, drugs haven’t been the only thing on your mind recently. Maybe you should of fled the country a lot sooner. “So basically i’m scared to ask this but literally all the other guys want to do it and it’s 100% a one time thing we can all take it to our graves-“ “Y/n.. just ask,” Taehyung slightly laughed at your blushing face. “Would you want to do LSD with me and the boys, just once?” You couldn’t read his face. It’s usually really easy to read his face but right now you just can’t. “Even Namjoon hyung agreed?” He looked surprised, but not mad. “Yeah, it’s just once it could be a really awesome and spiritual thing to bring us all closer,” you spoke quietly still on edge about him getting upset with you. “Well i don’t want to be the odd one out… if you manage to get it i’ll do it,” he said patting your thigh with a slight smile. Did you just convince all of Bangtan to do LSD with you? You’ve reached a new fucking level.

“Guess who got her drugs, guess who got her drugssss,” you sang skipping into the dorm grabbing everyone’s attention. “What? The LSD or your prescription?” Jin barely made out with all the laughing. “Both actually smart one,” you smiled flicking Jin’s forhead. Today is Friday so it’d be the best time to trip with everyone. You’ve never prepared so much just to do drugs. You have all the playlists, pillows, and water prepared for today. You couldn’t sleep at all last night, you can’t remember the last time you were this excited to drop acid. “Okay, so everyone leave the living room so I can make the place a vibe because we are tripping tonight!” The smile stuck on your face almost felt like you were already tripping. “Really?” Jungkook jumped up showing his nervousness. “Yes and don’t worry, we’ll all have a talk before it happens. Now get the fuck out… respectfully,” You hopped over to Taehyung and kissed him on his cheek before pushing him away with the other guys.

“Wah, is all this really necessary?” Yoongi spoke looking into the living room. You basically made a big fort with everything they may need or want laid out nicely. The OCD deep inside you kind of kicked in but it looked fucking awesome. The boys came in one behind the other and everyone sat in a circle so you could give the whole run down of what to expect and just simply calm their nerves. You were so nervous your first time but it ended up being one of the most beautiful experiences in your life. You told them the Dos and Don’t dos as you passed out 7 colorful tabs of paper and explained what they’ll feel and for how long. “So we doing this?” you asked looking around at everyone.

“Fuck it,” Taehyung said looking at you winking. Your favorite phrase.

“Fuck ittt,” everyone repeated.

[nad-zeta]

Hey ! I would like to request a headcanon please !! ✨💕💕 how would Nobunaga, Shingen, Masamune (and if you want kenshin) react when they know that MC is worried about whether she will be able to marry or even be in a relationship with them because she is a foreigner and perhaps his people want someone of the same nationality (since in Sengoku period people in japan were even more traditional and try to preserve the lineage) thank you !! 💖❤️💕✨

Heheh thanx so much for this request, dear! Sidenote i was too lazy to do research cause ive been playing Mitsuhide’s route lol, so if some pieces seem off thats probs why! I hope you enjoy it! In my mind these boys would marry MC regardless of what the people think and would basically tell anyone who has a problem with you to go to hell. But thats just my opinion anyway! ^0^ Much like this whole HC is lol. Hope ya enjoy it <3

HC: Nobunaga, Shingen, Masamune and Kenshin react to Marrying Foreign MC

Nobunaga

The two of you had been friends for a loooooong time now, and both of you were harboring feelings for the other

One day you finally built up the courage to confess, it was during your game of go

“Hey Nobunaga if I win this game of go, I’m going to claim and conquer your heart.”

He looked up and smirked at you “Alright then fireball but if I win then you are to be my girlfriend”

You had never taken the game so seriously in your life before, you put your all into winning that game

And believe it or not you WON, you had to rub your eyes as you stared at the board in disbelief

You were so happy you ran outside and shouted at the top of your lungs “I have defeated Nobunaga and he is now mine”. Mind you whispered that last part

The start to your relationship was tough, the Oda clan members were not happy about their lord taking a foreigner as a lover

They would especially send disapproving glances your way during banquets, lucky the warlords loved you to bits and 100% supported your relationship

One day in particular, some daimyos daughter was throwing so much shade at you for being a foreigner. Saying that you don’t belong here and that she should be with Nobu instead of you blah blah blah.

And if things couldn’t get any worse most of the Oda clan members were in attendance backing the prissy high lady

Nobunaga lost his shit at that moment; he had fought so long and hard to be head of the clan. He had killed his own brother for crying out loud, and even his own mother wanted to kill him. 

He was not going to let anyone tell him what he can or can’t do, especially not from the people who wouldn’t hesitate to backstab him at the first opening to rise in station and come into power

He stood up and in his most commanding voice proclaimed that you were the love of his life and that you were the only woman he would ever love. This whole speech ended off with him walking up to you and asking your hand in marriage

The Clan members and some allies of his were not happy, that is when Mitsuhide stated that he should let the people of  Azuchi decide who is to be the next woman worthy of being their queen and standing beside their beloved ruler Nobunaga. 

Nobunaga was a bit reluctant but agreed to it either way.

Needless to say, Mitsuhide always had his ears on the ground, and he knew the towns and farm people absolutely adored you. And after gathering the people in the courtyard, the dispute was settled and the true queen of Azuchi, was chosen. 

Nobunaga couldn’t be happier, he was practically jumping for joy

You couldn’t help but cry from happiness at the warm welcoming and approval you receive from the townspeople of Azuchi. Never again was your position questioned among the rest of the clan members.

Shingen

This playboy would spend each night in the arms of a new woman

That is until he fell in love with you

His people thought it was just a simple fling like all the woman that had come before you

But soon the realized Shingen was starting to get serious about you

They really tried to hate you for being a foreigner, cause they wanted to preserve the lineage 

But they couldn’t bring it over themselves, especially considering Yuki also loved you so much

Yuki had told everyone what you had done for them and for Shingen.

It was thanks to you that their beloved leader was healed of his illness

And it was thanks to you that they were able to go back to their homeland peacefully

Plus, you were such a warm, friendly person and everyone that spoke to you couldn’t help but love you

Sit down Yuki this isn’t witchcraft it’s just your charming personality 

If anything, they had more of a problem with you being an Oda princess rather than a foreigner

But like I said regardless they all saw you as an angel or a goddess, pure and radiant, and definitely someone who would have their best interests at heart.

TBH his clan members were all too happy the Tiger was thinking about setting down cause these guys have been pestering him for an heir and Shingen ain’t getting any younger 

You worked hard to earn their respect and trust

When Shingen publicly asked you to marry him in front of all his people you were a little stressed that someone would have a problem with you. Shingen could see the reluctance in your eyes, so he looked around and said:

“Who here has a problem or concern with me marrying my dearest Goddess over here”. Absolute silence fell. You couldn’t help but smile and accept his proposal.

That night you realized just how loved you were by his people as every second person had hugged a welcomed you to the family.

Masamune

You and Masamune had been together for a while now, and the boy was starting to get serious

He really loved you and couldn’t picture anyone else who could stand by his side and rule the date clan with him quite like you 

He made the two of you a yummo dinner and proposed. You loved this one eye dragon so much, so you instantly accepted

That night before you fell asleep you tuned around in Masamune’s arms to stare up at him

Your mind was being overactive with what-if scenarios, you really loved Masamune, but you knew his clan and people would not be pleased by the news of him marrying a foreigner

Not just that but you had seen him receive many marriage requests over the years, and there was one in particular that his clan was pushing him to accept

Masamune could see all the questions swirling in your eyes, he simply bent down and kissed your nose, forehead and then pulled you closer to him

He told you that he didn’t care what anyone else thought and that the two of you would take it one day at a time

Needless to say, Masamune’s people loved you, you had visited Masamune’s home many times and spent lots of time getting to know everyone. You were one of those genuinely friendly people who cared about people

It’s one of the traits that attracted Masamune to you, you didn’t care if someone was rich or poor you treated them equality

No no, the problem came with the higher-ups, they didn’t trust you, and they didn’t deem you worthy. After all, what did you know about history or tradition, you were just some random foreigner. 

When Masamune announced that you were his fiancé; they just said No, like they completely rejected the whole idea. Not only that, but they brought some other random princess out and told him that she would be better suited for him.

Luckily Masamune is a stubborn man, so he just ignored their “suggestions.” But like I said, the clan members and a few smaller date clan allies were not having it.

You went back home alone to Azuchi after the meeting with the date clan, leaving Masamune there to deal with them. You were honestly so upset, what was supposed to be a happy announcement turned into the worst day of your life.

Little did they know you and Nobunaga were very good friends, like you would pop into his room for tea at random times friend. The cry on his shoulder about the backlash of Masamune announcing his intention to marry you, kind of friends. 

And it just so happened that Nobunaga was one of their biggest allies along with Ieyasu, and let be real attending all the banquets got you in good with both of their clan members and if anything they were trying to convince you to marry those two idiots instead of Masamune. So, to say you were backed by two other powerful clans would be an understatement.

Nobunaga listened as you cried about everything that had been said, then he gave you a big wide smile and said: “Come fireball, let’s go scare the shit out of them to make you feel better.”

You Nobunaga and Ieyasu rode to Masamune’s home the next day, they burst into the council room doors, and saw that Masamune was still arguing with everyone over your marriage.

All heads were turned to Nobunaga as he stood by the door with Ieyasu and swiftly proclaimed that you were not just some foreigner but a princess of the Oda forces and if they have a problem with Masamune wanting to wed his sister then he would end the alliance right there and invade.

Ieyasu nodded in agreement 

Hehe you definitely had a smug look on your face, both Ieyasu and Nobunaga had claimed you as their dearest sister, not just that but Nobunaga had pulled out a letter from Kenshin and Shingen in which both also gave you their backing.

Kenshin’s letter obviously being very threatening and saying he would have no probs with allying with Nobunaga and going to war with them for refusing you lol.

Looks like you have some friends in powerful places

Lol those clan boys never questioned you or threatened you again. If anything, they blessed your marriage and stayed faaaaar away from you. They definitely didn’t want to get on your bad side

Kenshin

Kenshin had found his Goddess, of war, his soulmate, the and only woman who would ever hold his heart and soul

It was well known that you were the only woman that Kenshin looked at, the feared woman-hating Kenshin disliked all women but one.

And that would be you

If anything when Kenshin announced that he was going to marry you people were more surprised than anything else

Everyone honestly loved you, mostly they loved that fact that you were the only one who calmed Kenshin the hell down

His clan was overjoyed that he had finally found a life partner

They were honestly just starting to accept the fact that Kenshin would have no heirs

One night while cuddling with Kenshin, you voiced your concerns about not being accepted by his people because you were a foreigner

Kenshin legit looked you in the eyes and said if anyone dares oppose your marriage to him, or utter one bad thing about you he wouldn’t hesitate to kill them

Like he was pulled away from someone he loved in the past, but now it was different, now he had power. He would kill anyone that dare stood in his way! He will not lose the love of his life to anyone

Kenshin nuzzled into your neck and reassured you and then proceeded to pepper you with kisses, he loved you so much

And as if overhearing the whole conversation all of a sudden, the whole bunny army came into the room and joined in on the cuddles

Kenshin couldn’t help but laugh at the silly creatures “And love, you forget you command a whole vicious army of your own. I am sure the bunnies would not hesitate to stand up to anyone who tries to hurt their goddess”. As if agreeing with Kenshin the bunnies started nuzzling the two of you.

All your worries and anxiety were short-lived as when Kenshin made the official announcement, everyone was overjoyed. No one really cared that you were a foreigner, plus no one felt like having their head detached from their shoulders

And if that wasn’t enough, at the banquet celebrating your engagement, the bunnies all attended in celebration with the people, some of the bun buns would sit on your lap staring down anyone who might have worn the slightest frown towards you. These bunnies would not hesitate to attack anyone who made would make you sad just like their master. 

Hehehe this is probs not my best work but here it is anyways! <3

[thinkingthingsthrough]

For several days this week the veteran Swedish journalist Malou von Sivers will cover the same topic in every episode of her nightly TV chat show: the extraordinary rise in diagnoses of gender dysphoria among teenage girls.

Lukas Romson, one of the country’s leading trans activists, is prepared for the worst. “There will be no serious trans activists in the show, because none of us trusts Malou at all,” he says. “I’m afraid she’ll just use us.”

But the fact that a mainstream programme is devoting so much time to the issue demonstrates just how much the debate has shifted in Sweden over the past year. “It’s been a very big change and very sudden,” Romson adds. “Everyone – but especially young people – feels worse because of what they perceive as the media’s hatred of them.”

The immediate trigger for Von Sivers’s themed week is a report from Sweden’s Board of Health and Welfare which confirmed a 1,500% rise between 2008 and 2018 in gender dysphoria diagnoses among 13- to 17-year-olds born as girls .

But it also reflects a rapid change in public opinion. Just a year ago, there seemed few official obstacles left in the way of young people who wanted gender reassignment treatment.

In the autumn of 2018, the Social Democrat-led government, under pressure from the gay, lesbian and transgender group RFSL, proposed a new law which would reduce the minimum age for sex reassignment medical care from 18 to 15, remove all need for parental consent, and allow children as young as 12 to change their legal gender.

Then in March last year, the backlash started. Christopher Gillberg, a psychiatrist at Gothenburg’s Sahlgrenska Academy, wrote an article in the Svenska Dagbladet newspaper warning that hormone treatment and surgery on children was “a big experiment” which risked becoming one of the country’s worst medical scandals.

In April, Uppdrag Granskning, an investigative TV programme, followed up with a documentary profiling a former trans man, Sametti, who regretted her irreversible treatment.

In October, the programme turned its fire on the team at Stockholm’s Karolinska University hospital, which specialises in treating minors with gender dysphoria. The unit has been criticised for carrying out double mastectomies on children as young as 14, and accused of rushing through treatment and failing to consider adequately whether patients’ other psychiatric or developmental issues might better explain their unhappiness with their bodies. The Karolinska disputed the claim, saying it carefully assessed each case.

At the same time, Filter magazine profiled the case of Jennifer Ring, a 32-year-old trans woman who hanged herself four years after her surgery. An expert on psychosis who was shown her medical journal by her father, Avi Ring, was quoted as saying that she had shown clear signs of psychosis at the time she first sought treatment for gender dysphoria.

Indeed, the first clinic she approached refused to treat her, citing signs of schizotypal symptoms and lack of a history of gender dysphoria. But the team at Karolinska went ahead. “Karolinska don’t stop anyone; virtually 100% get sex reassignment,” says Ring.

Sweden’s authorities are starting to respond. Shortly before the bill that would have lowered the sex reassignment minimum age was due to be debated in parliament in September, it was shelved, and the Board of Health and Welfare was ordered to reassess the evidence. Its report is due on 31 March.

After being interviewed on Uppdrag Granskning, Sweden’s health minister, Lena Hallengren, asked the programme to include a text addendum to remind viewers that it had been her predecessor, and not her, who had drafted the controversial law.

On 20 December, the Swedish Agency for Health Technology Assessment, which the government had asked to review the scientific research into the recent surge in teenagers reporting gender dysphoria, reported that there was very little research either into the reason for the increase or the risks or benefits of hormone treatment and surgery.

For Romson this is a worrying turn of events. He blames Gender Identity Challenge Scandinavia (Genid), a parents’ group set up by Ring, a retired professor of neurophysiology, the Swedish toxicologist Karin Svens and the Norwegian teacher Marit Rønstad, for the change in the debate, contrasting these “so-called parents” with “real parents” who affirm their children’s chosen identities. Svens was the only Swedish parent to speak openly on Uppdrag Granskning about how her trans son announced he was a boy when he was 17, started going to Karolinska’s adult clinic when he turned 18, and now identifies as male. When asked about Jennifer Ring, he says that friends of hers have told him she found it difficult that her family were unwilling to accept her as a trans woman.

“When I started questioning this some years ago, I thought I was alone,” says Svens. “They tried to scare me by repeatedly implying that there is a high risk of suicide, especially if the parents don’t agree. Now more and more parents have found the courage to question what the doctors say.”

The recent report from the Board of Health and Welfare also found that 32.4 percent of 13 to 17-year-olds with gender dysphoria registered at birth as women also had diagnoses for anxiety disorder, 28.9 percent had depression, 19.4 percent had ADHD, and 15.2 percent had autism.

Trans people often explain the higher levels of depression and anxiety by pointing to the difficult experience living in a body that clashes with their gender identity, particularly when many in society, often including parents and friends, do not accept their identity.

One of the most surprising changes has been the growing divisions between trans activists. While Romson warns that children will have even more anxiety because of the change in the debate, Aleksa Lundberg, a trans woman and longstanding activist, is backing the call for more research.

Last October she apologised for not having been sufficiently open about the depression she had felt after her operation. “I would probably not undergo corrective surgery if I had the same choice today,” she wrote. “And I want to apologise to those who perhaps needed to hear that story earlier.”

*the bold is my emphasis, not the original source*

anyways this is so so fucked. how did we get to a place where literal children, many of whom have co-morbid mental health issues, are being given under-researched medication (with life-long effects) and even surgery!

i just can’t get over the thought of the removal of the healthy breasts of a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL. this is truly awful stuff and my heart aches for these kids and to some extent, the parents too. there is way too little information made available to them and way too much pressure to just affirm affirm affirm with the hidden (or explicit) or else. affirm or else you’re a bad parent, you’re a bigot, your child will suffer, your child will commit suicide. under those conditions, it’s easy to see how many just go along with it. 

these irresponsible clinics will have TONS of lawsuits on the way in the next few years. but so much damage will already have been done.

[lunasilvermorny]

Olivia Green

I was planning to wait with this topic until JC gives us more information, because not much is known about Olivia Green, but since I’ve decided to quit playing the game and the headcanon got completely separated from the game’s main plot after the events of year 5, there is no reason to postpone it any further.

My version would probably end up completely different from JC’s, this is 100% headcanon. No game-canon allowed in this post.

The only two things I took from the game:

Olivia was Jacob and Duncan’s best friend.

She helped them search for the vaults.

That’s it.

--------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------

Year 6.

Luna: Who is Olivia Green?

Jacob: …

Jacob: How do you know about her?

Luna: The same way I know about Duncan. You were all friends, right?

Jacob: Yeah…

Luna: Duncan didn’t seem eager to talk about her. But why, what happened? Did she die too?

Jacob: I have no idea. The last time I saw her was when I left Hogwarts.

Luna: But who is she? I looked for any record of her and couldn’t find anything. It’s as if she’s never been to Hogwarts.

Jacob: …

Luna: Was she even a student here?

Jacob: Yes, she was in Slytherin, like Duncan. They were roommates.

Luna: How is possible?

Jacob: Not many knew her as Olivia.

Luna: Oh.

Jacob: Yeah, it’s not like people here are the accepting type. Duncan got beat up constantly for being queer, so you can guess what would have happened if Olivia walked around, being herself.

Luna: …

Jacob: Duncan probably knows more than I am, since I was locked up this whole time. I hope she’s left all the R bollocks behind her and just went to live a normal life.

Luna: And that’s all you know?

Jacob: Have you missed the part about me being trapped in the vault?

Luna: Fine, I get it.

------

Luna: I asked Jacob about Olivia.

Duncan: He doesn’t know anything. Don’t listen to him.

Luna: He didn’t say much.

Duncan: Oh. Well, it’s all right, then.

Luna: What happened to her?

Duncan: Why does it matter?

Luna: Well, she helped you search for the vaults, right? That means she worked for R as well.

Duncan: No, she wasn’t involved like us. She was the smart one, you see. She knew when to quit.

Luna: Does that mean she’s-?

Duncan: Alive? I don’t know. She was when she graduated.

Luna: So she wasn’t looking for the vaults after you two... got out of the picture? No pun intended with Jacob.

Duncan: Like I said, she was the smart one.

Luna: ...

Luna: What was her name-?

Duncan: Olivia.

Luna: I mean the name she had as a student-

Duncan: Olivia! I know what you're trying to do. You want to snoop around and see if you can find her. Her name is Olivia Green. I’m sure you can run to daddy and ask him to find her for you.

Luna: I don’t talk to him about vault-related things.

Duncan: Oh, you’re not a fan of papa-Edgar either?

Luna: Watch it, Duncan.

Duncan: Touchy. I’m giving you one last chance to change the subject before I go to your room and destroy everything you own.

Luna: *sighed* Fine. Umm... Jacob is an arse, right?

Duncan: That’s better.

--------------------------------------------

So, here’s what I got so far:

It’s true that the three of them were best friends, but Duncan and Olivia were closer than Jacob and Olivia.

Olivia wasn’t able to come out of the closet, because she knew most of their classmates wouldn’t accept it. (A few people knew and Dumbledore offered her the chance to move to the girl’s dorms, to get the proper uniform etc, but Olivia was too scared of the backlash and so she declined his offer.)

Luna was determined to learn more about Olivia, even after talking to Jacob and Duncan. It was obvious that whether or not she’s involved with R, Duncan wasn’t going to tell her the truth.

Olivia was involved with the search for the vaults, but I haven’t decided yet if she was directly involved with R. My gut feeling is that even if she were, she probably cut all ties with them once Duncan died.

I also haven’t decided yet how much Olivia and Duncan have seen each other after Duncan died. Because everyone was aware he became a ghost, so it doesn’t make sense for her to never see him again.

[brianc521]

For the Love of Books

13k+ words of CEO/Bookworm

It’s been a rough week. A long, dark, rough week. With not being able to afford the electric bill, all that was left for you to do was shut down for the week. If you can’t read in the dark, then how were you supposed to buy books in the dark?

While it wasn’t making you money you also weren’t losing any either, that was the double edged sword you were fighting with. You hated it, as the owner of the families bookstore, being closed for a week was not what you wanted. Especially since you were the first family member who has had to do so.

Your Pa left the store to you when he passed away four years ago. It was his Mama’s before him, she left it to him much the same as he left it to you. It was a shock to the family when The Will read out that it was yours, and yours solely until the day you decided to bring in someone else.

It created a pretty big rift in the family, your Mom and Aunt believing that it should have been theirs, but to be honest, you weren’t shocked. It had been a discussion your Pa had with you before he made the decision. He wanted to make sure that you actually wanted the store, and that you could handle the backlash of you receiving it.

Cornered Pages was only your entire childhood. While you’re Mom claimed she loved the store, you would live there if you could. With a single Mom, working at a diner during the day and the local bar at night, left you to growing up with your Pa since he watched you while your Mom worked. He raised you off chapters and new arrivals. Your weekends were book signings and cutting bookmarks.

So having to close for a week was not only disappointing to yourself and your Pa’s legend, it also automatically made you the families disappointment because you couldn’t keep the doors open.

“I want to seriously talk about it,” Shawn shrugs as he sits across from you at the dining room table.

Shawn Mendes, 21 year old multimillionaire of his very own Mendes Printing. Also sort of known as your boyfriend of 2 years.

**flashback**

You were freaking out, literally pacing the bathroom as you whispered yelled at Lauren.

Lauren had been dating Connor since high school, but since he started his new job he had started hanging out with some new people. One of his closest friends was Shawn, and when Lauren met Shawn she set you two up almost immediately.

But now, here you are, dressed in your khaki work shorts, a cute purple tank top and your tan sandals. His schedule was so tight for making a date that you literally had to leave straight from work to the restaurant. You felt about 1000 times under dressed when Shawn picked you up in slacks and a light blue button up shirt.

“Lauren you could have warned a gal that you were setting her up with a fucking multimillionaire.” You hissed, neck vein popping in your frustration.

“I didn’t know! I swear to you, when I met him he was in a Harry Potter shirt and was bragging to Connor about how he’d been able to watch the whole series in a weekend. He was speaking in Potter quotes and all I could see was you and him getting married. I didn’t fucking know!”

“I literally look so stupid right now. He’s in fucking slacks and has cuff links? While I’m in khakis and my hairs in a cute but messy bun. The valet alone was more than I would ever be able to afford for dinner.”

“Oh god.” She groaned.

“I fucking said ‘Literally Pizza Hut would’ve impressed me,’ and he snorted.”

“Snorted?”

“Laughed at me, found me amusing, literally a lowlife compared to him.”

“What did he do to become a multimillionaire?”

“He started his own printing company when he was 18 years old. Graduated high school and started working the next day. He’s the big office building on the corner of Main and Baseline.”

“Oh shit,” She gasps. “So he’s rich rich. Homegirl lock him up.”

“Um no, it’s time to run.”

“Don’t overthink it, he’s a sweetheart I swear. He was really interested when I talked to him.”

“I have to go, he’s gonna think I died or something.”

“You’re so dramat-” You hang up on her and start to rush out the door so you can escape this nightmare you’re living.

This man was literally so far out of your league that you thought these leagues were only in the movies. He will want nothing to do with you, ever.

You whip the door open, taking a deep breath and look up to rush out but stop short when Shawn stands up from his relaxed position against the wall.

“Um,” You gape.

“Okay,” He clears his throat. “I did this wrong,” He cringes. “I was really trying to impress you. I haven’t been on a date since I was in high school. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I was just really trying to impress you and I realize I went a little too far. How bad would it be if I asked if we could start over? My place? We can order pizza and talk and be well, normal?”

You giggled, because he couldn’t stop fidgeting his hands, and glancing at you and then back at his shoes. He was so nervous, and you could see it in his features that he was scared he scared you off.

“Shawn? Just because Lauren set us up doesn’t mean we have to do this. If you don’t want to go out with me you don’t have to. It’s okay, I understand.”

“No! Are you kidding?” He asks appalled. “I’ve been so excited and nervous, and my life motto is nerves mean you care. I guess I’m just, I’m not the best at dating because I’ve never really dated. But I do, I do want to go out with you, I just want you to be comfortable.”

“I want you to be comfortable too.” You grin. “I hear you like Harry Potter?”

His eyes go wide and he nods dumbly.

“I have the series on DVD,”

“Blu Ray,” He points to himself. “And a flat screen.”

“Your place it is.”

**

“I don’t know Shawn,” You sigh, slumping back in your seat at the kitchen table, check book on the table in front of you.

“Baby, if I bought the store you’d never have to have a month like you just had. You’d never have to close for the week just to save, that’s not how a business runs.”

You were trying to be calm, and hear him out. But you really didn’t want Shawn buying the company.

“And with the money I can put into it, we can really look into more marketing. Maybe revamp the place, add a little coffee shop, demo the whole place and start over. We can start doing online sales, and boosting revenue that way. Baby I think we can do so much with it-”

“No,” You stop him, “No.”

Shawn’s stopped, shocked at your firm answer. “Why?”

“I just don’t want you buying my company,”

“Baby, but think about how much we could do-”

“No!”

All you can see in your head is that note you have stashed in your file cabinet from your Pa. The one that explicitly says that it was yours until you were ready to share with someone. You could share with Shawn, but you didn’t want to have to. You felt like you just got the place and you don’t want to give it up yet.

“I don’t understand why you don’-”

“Because it’s mine!” You snap. “It’s mine!”

Shawn’s pulling back, but letting you snap.

“It’s mine, and I know I’m not the best owner, we aren’t making much money and I can barely keep the doors open, but it’s mine. And if you buy it then it’s yours, and not mine, and I can’t-” You shake your head. “I know I’m the disappointment of the family right now, because yes, I might have to close the shop soon-”

“Baby,” He stops you, taking your hands and kissing them. “I’m trying to give you a way where you won’t have to close.” He whispers. “You’re not a disappointment by the way, the markets shit, no one’s really making money.” He shrugs. “And I know it’s yours, and if I bought the bookstore, it’d still be yours, 100%”

“No it wouldn’t because you would own it.”

“Okay, so let's compromise, let’s make a deal, let’s talk it out.” He grabs his notepad and a fountain pen. “What if we partnered, you’d have half and I’d have half? That way it's still yours but I can help,”

“I don’t-”

“Let me finish.” He writes some things down. “I’ve been looking into it, and this is what I think you could make if you at least, did the online thing,” He passes you a note with an absurd amount. The bookstore has never made money like that. “And this,” He pulls the paper back, “Is what you could make by adding the cafe.”

“Shawn.” You gasp at the amount he’s scribbled.

“It’d be a study place, in this college town. It’d be a writing place, just down the street from a publishing house. And there are so many opportunities we could have with the publishing house alone. We could work out a contract to say that we’d sponsor their new authors for a certain amount, we’d be helping them and ourselves.”

“You’ve really thought this through.”

“Yes I have, because I love you, and the bookstore, and I don’t ever want to see you have to close the doors. I want to help, and finally, I know how.”

You smile, looking down at the other ideas he has listed on his notepad.

“Can you just think about it. Let’s have a meeting, I want this to be serious. I’ll do some more homework, and you do some too. I want you to think up and draw up everything you’ve ever wanted to do at the store. Everything okay?” He waits for a nod from you, “We’ll have a meeting and discuss what we’ve both thought up and then come to a conclusion.”

“Okay.” You whisper, nodding at him.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” You look up at him as he stands and walks around the table to you.

“Okay, I’ll have my people call your people about the details.”

“You mean having Jackie call me in the morning at the store so she can tell me that you’re free Friday at 9:30 to 10:45?” You smirk up at him.

He rolls his eyes, “Yes, Jackie will be in touch. Better?”

You giggle, nodding as he leans down for a kiss. “Where are you going?”

“Home? I’ve got a meeting real early.” He grabs his jacket, slipping it around his shoulders.

You pout at him, giving him your puppy dog eyes. “Stay?”

He chuckles, “Don’t give me those eyes, I can’t say no to those eyes.”

“Then don’t?”

“I have to, seriously I have to be up at like 4, and I don’t want to disrupt you. It’s your first day back at the shop and you need to be rested. I love you, and I’ll stay over tomorrow okay? Maybe I’ll stop by the shop at lunch if I have enough time?”

“Okay.” You sigh, deflating back in your seat.

“I love you.” He steps back closer, leaning down for a kiss.

“Mhm.” You hum, turning your face to the side so he kisses your cheek.

“Miss,” He grabs your chin softly, turning it back towards him, “You got something to say to me?”

“I love you too I guess.”

“You guess?”

“I think I’d know if you were staying the night.”

He laughs, kissing your lips softly sucking your bottom lip, pulling a moan from the back of your throat.

“Now you really can’t leave.”

“See you tomorrow.” He grins, grabbing his phone and keys, blowing you a kiss as he walks out your door.

**

You laughed to yourself when you saw Jackie’s line number run across your cell.

“Hello Jackie.” You answered.

“Morning,” She cheerfully responded. “Okay, so, care to explain why I’m scheduling a meeting for you and Shawn? And not like a date or something, like an actual meeting? Here? At the office?”

“Has he said anything?”

“No he never talks about his meetings. I’m lucky if I get a ‘Mornin’.” She imitates Shawn.

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Yeah,” She laughs. “Well except for the meetings part. He really doesn’t talk about them, which is fine. It’s his business, I just schedule the meetings.”

“Well if he hasn’t said anything then I don’t think I should, but I’ll talk to him about it. He knows we’re friends, so if it’s not like confidential then I’ll let you know.”

“Alright fine,” She sighs. “He’s open, um you know, actually. When are you free?”

“Well, I just opened again this week.” You look around the store. “And I really don’t want to have to close just to go to the office for a meeting, but if I have too I will.”

“Tell me when you want the meeting, I’ll work it in his schedule. He can work around you this time around.”

You grin, mentally making a note to send her some flowers soon. “Well I usually close at 6 week nights, but I know he tries to be out of the office at 5.”

“Wednesday night at 6:30 good for you?” She asks, you can hear her typing away at her keyboard.

“Um, yeah, we’ll have to push our date back,” You giggle. “But I think this is an acceptable situation.

“Alrighty then, it’s been inputted into his calendar. Would you like me to input anything else in while I have you?”

“Yeah can you check that major birthdays and anniversaries are in there.”

“I know for a fact they are, he personally has input those. May 3rd is labeled with your name and a heart, just so you know.”

You blush, looking down at your counter, picking at the edge.

“It’s gonna be three years right?”

“Yeah.”

“He better go all out.”

“He could literally just come home with no work, and actually stay and I would be over the moon.”

“Oop, here he comes, wanna speak to him?”

“Um if he isn’t busy I guess.” You murmur.

“Alright, you’re gonna be on line 1, he’ll be with you in a moment.” Jackie says, “Meeting at Wednesday at 6:30, have a nice day!”

Before you can even respond the line clicks and you hear a husky, “Hello Beautiful.”

“Hi Handsome.”

“How’s your morning?”

You look around the store, books stocked full but empty of customers. “Slow.” You sigh, pulling your stool closer to the counter and taking a seat.

“It’s still early, got the whole day ahead of you.”

You love his ability to pick you up whenever you need it. He brought the positive to your life and always had you looking at the glass half full.

“Are you gonna be able to stop by for lunch?”

You hear him sigh, and clicking onto his computer. “No, I don’t think so Baby. Jackie penciled in this new intern? I guess it’s time for an eval, and it was my only open slot this…” He trails off, the clicking becoming louder. “Wednesday? But we have a date.” He speaks up.

“I know, but-”

“I made the reservations for 6:30.”

“Can you push them back? Or we can always have a dinner meeting I guess. Or you know what, tell Jackie to just put me in where it’s convenient for you, she tried to go by what was for me but I knew we should have gone off your sche-”

“I’ll push the reservations.” He hums.

You shut up quick, waiting a beat before suggesting, “Or we could just cancel them and go home with take out and watch The Act?”

Shawn hums again, and you can just imagine him scratching his chin as he swivels in his chair. “Or we could do that. I like that, let’s do that.”

You smile, “Okay! Since you aren’t coming to see me today can you at least come over tonight?”

“Told you last night I’d stay over.”

“I just didn’t know if that changed.”

He sighs, “I know I had to cancel the last time, and the time before, but that’s not gonna happen. I promise okay?”

“Okay.”

“I have a meeting Honey, I’ll see you tonight.”

“Okay.”

“I love you, sell some books!”

“I love you!”

The line goes dead and you sag in your stool. This was going to be a long day.

Maybe if you had more appeal to the store, like if you could see it better, or like if the sales that you had going on were noticeable from the window.

You slide your notebook over, grabbing your pen, titling the new page; ‘Meeting Ideas’.

**

You were rushing around the store trying to clean up the last bit that needed to be done before you rushed out the door. You got a little lost in building a new display for the Divergent section you had. You made some faction signs and little displays for them and before you knew it, it was time to close and your art project was all over.

You are just locking the door when your phone rings in your purse. Hands full, and keys dangling from your fingers you answer, slipping your phone between your shoulder and ear.

“Hello?”

“Hey Gorgeous,” Shawn’s voice flows through.

You sigh, knowing what this call was gonna be, cursing yourself for believing his promise this morning.

“Hey,” You sigh, unlocking your car but leaning against it for the bad news. “Not coming over?”

You hear a gasp from his end, and then him clearing his throat. “Um, I was calling to see if you wanted to make dinner or go out?”

“Oh!”

“Did you really think I was calling to cancel?” He whispers.

“Studies go to show-”

“Okay Bookworm, well let me show the studies that I am coming over, without any work, and I’ll be staying the whole night.”

You giggle at his defense game. “Okay, okay I’m sorry.”

“Dinner? Am I picking something up? Am I making you something? Are we meeting somewhere?”

“Can you just pick something up? I literally had the longest day, and I just wanna snuggle.”

“Okay, so a plate; orange chicken, teriyaki chicken, and fried rice with cream cheese ran goons?”

“I fucking love you.”

He chuckles, “I love you too Honey, I’ll see you at home with your food and a medium Coke.”

“You literally are perfect.”

“Goodbye,” He calls, laughing as you sigh.

**

The TV played softly as background noise to your cuddle session. It wasn’t often that you felt like you had time with Shawn like this. He rarely promised time without work, and you took advantage when he did.

The last few times he’s promised that he’d be yours for the night he’s gotten called in, or never even made it out of the office long enough to feed himself. You’re slowly started to become accustomed to being stood up, half the time you barely even get ready knowing that the dreaded text is bound to come through.

You shift a little against his chest, cuddling closer and humming as you look up. But you pull back a bit when you notice that his face is illuminated by his phone, and his free hand is typing away at his email, letters flying across the screen at a rapid pace going to prove how much he is on his phone.

You sigh, and roll your eyes discreetly as you pull away from him. He notices you leaving quickly, the arm that’s wrapped around you curling tighter so you can’t get away.

“What are you doing?” He mumbles dropping a kiss to the top of your head, eyes never once leaving his phone.

“You said no work.”

“I know, but I have to read this.” He answers, pointing with his chin to the device in his hand.

“It can’t wait till morning? It’s the first night we’ve had together in almost two weeks.” You sit up, turning to look at him.

He glances at you and then back at his phone as it buzzes with four new emails. You slump, blinking at him tiredly.

“Babe it’s just a few emails, and we’re watching a movie we’ve already seen. I’m not missing anything.”

You shake your head at his reasoning, as if spending time with you wasn’t even on his radar at all, he’s not missing anything new so what’s the harm?

“Fine.” You sigh, sitting back against the couch.

He clicks his phone off with a huff, “Don’t be like that.”

“I’m gonna get ready for bed.” You say as he starts to turn towards you. You stand from the couch quickly, walking off to your bedroom to start your routine before he can suck you in with his puppy eyes.

He joins you in the bathroom a few minutes later, after he’s locked up your place and turned the lights off.

“You’re so beautiful.” He murmurs into your shoulder as he hugs you from behind, watching you take your makeup off. You give him a glare in return to his comment, letting him know that trying to sweet talk you isn’t gonna help. “Don’t be mad, it was just one email.”

You scoff, “It’s not just one email, we both know that you’ll stay up to answer the rest and draft up even more.”

“I wait until you’re asleep though.” He points out.

“That’s not my point.” You whisper, tired of having the same conversation every night.

“You say that every time and then never elaborate what your actual point is, so can we get to that part already?”

“My point or question I guess is if I’ll ever come first?” You shrug, looking up at him.

His heart just about breaks when he sees your bottom lip quiver. He never ever wanted to make you feel like the work comes before you, it’s just so much is weighing on his shoulders right now, and it’s become easy for him to just know that you’re there even when he’s not and he’s taken that for granted.

“You do come first.”

“I don’t,” You shake your head, “We can’t even watch a movie with you checking work.”

He watches you turn and walk out of the bathroom, crawling into bed. You let out a deep shuddering breath as you relax with your back facing the side he usually lays on.

Biting his lip he flips the light off, following you to bed.

“Might as well go get yourself set up at the dining room table, or just go ahead and sneak out to go back to your place now. No point in staying.”

His eyes snap to you, his chest tightening, guilt panging as he realizes just how much you know what he does while you’re in bed. He didn’t think you knew about the night that he needed to be in his office to get something done, so he made your place look like he had left early in the morning and not at 11:47 pm.

He curses himself at what he’s done to make you feel this way.

“No Baby,” He slips under the covers, arms wrapping around you and pulling you flush against his chest. “I’m right here.”

He lets the sound of your deep breathing and scent of your mint and rosemary shampoo soothe him into the most peaceful sleep he’s had in a long time. He finally allows his overactive brain to slow for a minute, and for his body to relax against yours.

That night, he dreams of his forever with you.

**

Shawn was already in the conference room when you arrived at the office, Jackie meeting you at the door offering to take your jacket and a beverage of your liking.

You decline, to both, pointing to where you thought Shawn was, smiling at the confirmation nod she gives you in return.

You walk down the hall, holding your notebook of homework and ideas. You knock, slowly entering the room and smiling at Shawn, who’s head whips up from his papers.

“Hey!” He greets, standing up to welcome you in. He leans in for a quick hug, pecking your lips as he pulls away. “I’m professional I promise, but you’re my girl and deserve a hug and a kiss hello.”

You giggle, shaking your head at his antics. He pulls your chair out, the one next to his, and helps scoot you in after you’ve taken your seat.

“Okay, well let’s jump right into business.” He starts, flipping through his pages of notes as you do the same. “What to do you have there?” He points to your notebook.

“My notes?”

He chuckles, “I know they’re your notes, but what are the notes?”

“Oh,” You clear your throat, “Um well, these would be my terms and conditions.” You slide your notebook over, letting him read through it.

It’s impressive, how much thought you’ve put into every single detail.

In the end it’s decided that Shawn will invest with a 15% stake, and with his connections and his company itself now partnering with yours it’s well more of a deal for you than for him.

Next steps are to get the balls rolling with what your plans are. A website that allows your customers to order online, a cafe, and a whole store remodel. It was scary, especially because you really don’t want a whole lot to change, but it’s what needs to happen to be successful.

“Pizza or pasta?” Shawn asks as he starts to pack his briefcase up.

You stare at your notes, and the copy of the contract you both just signed. It’s like your frozen. This amazing guy was investing in your company, out of the love from his heart. This literally does nothing for him but give you the room to grow.

“Hey?” He sits back down, hand landing on your thigh. “Are you having second thoughts?”

You look at him with watery eyes.

“Baby if you’re having second thoughts then rip up the contract, we’ll-”

You quickly press your lips to his, shutting him and his anxious mind up for a moment.

“Not having second thoughts, just needing to take a moment to let this all settle in.”

“Okay,” He nods, pulling on your hand to have you stand up so he can hold you.

“I’m not gonna disappoint him anymore.” You whisper into his chest.

“Who?”

“Pa.”

Shawn sighs, kissing the top of your head, “You never disappointed him. I promise you that.”

**

“Hey Babe!” Shawn’s voice floats through the phone.

“Hey Honey.” You answer, clicking him to speaker as you box up some more books to prepare for demo day.

“So I’ve been looking into the perspective of revenue, and it might be time to start looking into some help.”

“Help?”

“Like some other workers.” He clarifies.

“Oh! I am, I have plans to meet with Lauren about the cafe this week.”

“That’s great Baby, but I’m meaning with you at the shop, not in the cafe.”

“Oh um, I don’t kn-”

“I emailed you the spreadsheet of the projected sales, take a look at it and let me know what you think okay? Just think about it? I have a meeting I needed to be in like 5 minutes ago,” He chuckles, “CEO duties. But I wanted to bring this to your attention. Anyway, I love you, I’ll see you for dinner.” He makes a dramatic kissing sound into the speaker and then hangs up before you can even think of responding.

**

The sledgehammer was a lot heavier than you were expecting now that you’re standing in front of a bare wall with a bunch of workers and your boyfriend staring at you.

You take a deep breath, take a step back, and let your years of softball takeover and swing for the fences. The wall splinters under the pressure and breaks, leaving a big hole in it’s trace.

“You did it!” Shawn cheers, running over to take the dangerous object away from you before you or anyone else got hurt.

“Holy shit, it’s real now.” You laugh as the rest of the crew then starts knocking the wall down. “That was so fun, holy shit!”

“It was really hot too.” Shawn smirks, wiggling his eyebrows at you.

“Oh my god, go away.” You push at his chest lightly.

“Hold up!” One of the workers calls, stopping everyone from there work and pulling something from the wall.

“Is something wrong?” Shawn asks, tucking you behind him.

“I found this,” He hands Shawn the note.

Shawn opens the note, coughing when the dust and debris flies around him.

“Oh Babe.” He sighs, turning to show you.

You gasp at the handwriting alone, yanking the note from Shawn’s hands and holding it close to your chest. The watery tears in your eyes as you look up at Shawn have him almost melting to the ground and vowing to protect you from everything.

“I’m gonna go-” You jerk your thumb over your shoulder to the door, indicating that you wanted privacy while reading this note.

Shawn nodded in understanding, turning to have everyone get back to work and talk some more with the contractor about the plumbing.

He really wanted to give you some time, really wanted to respect that you needed it. But damn it you were almost crying when you walked out the door, and staring at you from the window he can tell that you are crying now.

“Fuck it,” He mutters, stepping outside.

He slides up behind you, arms wrapping around your waist, chin resting on your shoulder.

“Are you okay?” He whispers into your ear.

“Yeah.” You nod, wiping your cheek. “Yeah, I needed this.” You unfold the letter so he can see.

It’s about time, this place needs the updates! I knew you had dreams for this place Pumpkin! Love Pa.

“Wait, he wrote that for you!” Shawn gasps softly. “How old were you when he redid the place?”

“I was three when he broke down the barrier wall and put in the new one,” You whimper.

“He knew all along this would be your legacy.” Shawn squeezes you closer.

“I was really struggling today with this decision, because I didn’t know if he would approve or not. But this was exactly what I needed to know I made the right choice.”

“Yeah?” Shawn asks.

“Yeah, you were the right choice. Pa would have loved you.” You turn and kiss his shoulder.

“You think?”

“I know he would have. Pa was particularly protective. You seem to have that same nature.” You grin. “I can just hear what he would say about you, and to you.”

“What would he say?”

“Well he’d sit me down and go, ‘that’s a good boy you got there, he treats you right and respects you. But if you got any troubles or doubts you let your Pa know, he’ll take care of it.’ Even though your friendship would be so tight he would side with you instead of me.” You giggle.

Shawn smiles, kissing your neck before sighing. “I wish I could have met him.”

“Can I ask you something?” You turn to face him now.

“Anything.”

“Would you like to?”

“Like to what?” Shawn’s brows furrow.

“Like to meet him?” You ask again. “Would you like to go to his grave with me?”

Shawn’s smile literally touches, ear to ear, and he squeals a little as he picks you up and spins you around.

“I’d love to.”

**

Lauren has been your best friend since you both started working at the local girls clothing store in high school. She’s a few years older than you and really was the person who showed you the love of running a store. She got you into the management aspect of the job and taught you everything you know.

She’s a big reason as to why you were so comfortable and willing to take over the bookstore for Pa when he passed away.

When you both left the clothing store she went off to become an assistant manager at Lou’s Coffee House just outside of town. She then went on to meet Connor there, and the story goes on to how she set you up with Shawn.

“So I have some news!” You squeal as Lauren sets her coffee mug down in front of her.

You’re out to breakfast for your weekly meetup at your usual diner.

“Are you pregnant?” She asks.

“No!”

“Engaged?” 

“Oh my god, no.”

“Okay then…?”

“So I’m remodeling the store.” You grin as her eyes go wide. “And I bought the toy shop next door.”

“Whoa!” She shares your excitement but then comes back to reality. “Wait, weren’t you like just closed for a week because you couldn’t afford the electric bill?”

“So about that, I, I um, I might have gone through with Shawn’s investment plan.”

“Finally.” She sighs.

“We worked through the details, sat down and had a meeting and everything.”

“Sounds very Fifty Shades here.”

“Oh my god shut up,” You blush and shake your head, no realizing that it kind of did.

“Okay,” She laughs. “So why buy the toy shop?”

“How much do you like your job?”

“Working as an assistant manager? Where I can’t make my own decisions? Where I have to get them okay’d first? It sucks, but it’s a job.”

“Wanna manage your own cafe?” You ask with a big smile.

“Excuse me?”

“I bought the toy shop to knock the dividing wall down and add a cafe.”

You’ve never seen her eyes so wide. “You’re joking?”

“And I bought it so you could run it.”

“You’re joking?!?” Her voice is starting to rise.

“Is that a yes?”

“Why me?”

“Because you’re you? You’re the best Lo, let’s be honest with ourselves.”

“I’d be in charge? Can do my own ideas?”

“Well Shawn and I have drawn up some ground rules since it’s mainly his name on it, but yeah there’s no one we’d want or trust more.”

**

Days got tough, times get hard, and people grow tired. It’s life, it’s what happens. Today was one of those days for you.

While finding Pa’s note helped, and the excitement of starting a new was distracting, you still struggled with the result that has come of you owning the shop.

It was hard to admit you needed help, and it was harder to receive it from Shawn. It was terrifying to give up some of the reign to him as well. So with his newest idea, comes your patience lost.

“You don’t get to do this.” You shake your head, putting the plates away in the cabinet and slamming the cabinet door shut in your frustration.

“You’re gonna need the help.”

“I don’t need help!”

“I’m not saying you can’t do it. I’m not saying that. I’m saying that at least one other person is going to make it easier for you. You’re gonna run yourself into the ground doing it by yourself.”

“We’ve agreed on cafe staff.” You cross your arms.

“Yes we have, but we’re not talking about the cafe. We’re talking about the shop. One other person, that’s all I’m saying. One more set of hands with you behind the counter. You’re gonna want it, gonna need it.”

“It’s my store Shawn, I can do it! This part of it is all I have left!”

“I’m not taking that away!” He raises his voice to your level. “I’m trying to give you some help here!”

“This!” You turn back to the sink. “This is why I didn’t want to do this! I knew this is how it’d turn out. You’d be Mr. Mendes, Mr. Know-it-All, and tell me how to run the store. My store!” You toss the dish towel on the counter, turning back to him. “Guess what Shawn, you’re not there. You never have been, you never will be. You don’t care enough to be there, and because of that you’re not allowed to care about who is.”

His condo is silent as your words settle. He blinks at you, face blank of an expression and your heavy breaths slow as you watch him turn and walk away from you.

“Shawn?”

He doesn’t answer, he just picks up his keys from the corner counter and walks right out the front door, leaving the slam of it to echo in your head.

**

He didn’t come home, he knew he should have and that he’d given you both enough time to cool down. But he didn’t come home.

Instead he hid away in the safezone that has become his office, his second home. He was too wired to go back and go to bed, but he was too drained to keep driving around all night, so he ended up here, checking emails and stewing over your words.

You were right, he never did spend any time with you at the store. And it wasn’t in his schedule to start doing so after the remodel. The store was so important to you, and it was so minimalistic to him that he couldn’t see how much it would mean to actually stop and enjoy the space with you.

He’s been fighting his own battle all night with how guilty and shitty he feels for walking through the doors of Cornered Pages and changing everything, flipping your whole world on its side, without actually thinking about how this truly is affecting you deep inside.

It was close to 5:30 am when he dozed off. Chin in his hand, elbow propped up on his desk. The sun had just started to rise, and he could hear Jackie out at her desk.

But it was 8:45 am when you stormed in. The banging of his office door against the wall startling him awake. His jump knocking over the framed photograph of you and him from your last anniversary.

He looks around quickly, looking for what woke him in such a way, but everything stops when his eyes land on you. Your hair was unkempt, you wore his old Harvard hoodie and some grey sweats. Eyes rimmed red with tears.

“Baby?” He cleared his throat, blinking a few times to wake himself up. “What’s wrong?”

“I need you, to come home.” Your voice shakes as you speak.

“What happened? What’s wrong?” He keeps asking, afraid something bad happened.

“Come home.” Your bottom lip quivers as he stands to come to you.

“What’s wrong? Baby what happened?”

“You didn’t come home!”

He wraps you up in his arms, kissing the top of your messy hair and breathing you in.

“You don’t just get to not come home Shawn.”

“Okay, okay.” He nods, feeling you start to relax. “Let’s go home.”

“You don’t get to not come home.” You repeat, some panic still coursing through you.

“You’re okay, I’m right here. Let’s go home.”

“I thought you were leaving, you can’t not come home.”

Your words are like a knife through his heart, he can’t handle the thought of you sitting in his home thinking he wasn’t ever gonna come back to you.

“Never, I’m never leaving you. I won’t do it again, I promise. Take me home.”

Jackie watches with concerned eyes as you both stagger out of his office, Shawn mumbling to cancel his meetings, that he needed a personal day. She didn’t ask questions, she just nodded and bidded you both safe travels back home.

Once seated in the car to go home the only thing you say is “You don’t just get to not come home.”

**

This is it, months of work, weeks of stress, days of insecurities, hours of arguing, and minutes of excitement has lead to this.

The shop was finally complete, and today was the reopening. You were nervous, the new keys sit in your hand as Shawn, Aaliyah who’s been hired to work in the shop with you, and Lauren your best friend who’s gonna manage the Cafe stand beside you as you unlock the door.

Shawn grins, pulling the new outdoor easel sign out from the entrance of the store and positioning it right out front showing that it was a ‘Grand Re-Opening!’.

“Li, can you count the register? Do you remember how I showed you?”

“Can you just watch to make sure I do it right? I think I remember, but I don’t want to mess it up.” She nervously giggles, walking with you to the counter to count the register to properly open the store.

Shawn and Lauren open up the cafe entrance, and you can see Shawn bouncing on his toes as he watches you and Aaliyah through the glass walls that divide the store from the cafe.

“Got it?” You turn to her with a smile, she nods proudly closing the register and slipping the receipt into the little accordion file you keep in a compartment under the drawer.

“Yep!”

“Perfect, now I think your brother wants to be the first dollar we earn from the cafe, so let’s go join him before we get to work.” You giggle leading her to the cafe.

“There you are! Get it taken care of?” He asks looking at Aaliyah, eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Yep! I did it all by myself and everything.” Her sarcasm drips heavily as she answers.

“Okay, what can I buy you for a celebratory drink?”

“Okay, so I have a medium black coffee for Shawn, a medium white chocolate mocha blended for Liyah, and a iced peppermint mocha, large, for the lovely owner.” Lauren sets three cups down, knowing everyone’s order before any of you have to tell her.

“And a iced vanilla cold brew, medium, added to his tab.” You give her a look eyeing her drink behind her on the counter.

“I was gonna-”

“Nope add it to his tab, I think he can handle it.” You pat Shawn’s shoulder, grinning when he nods, swipes his card and leaves a hefty tip.

“We just had our first sale!” Lauren cheers when his charge goes through.

You laugh at her excitement and lean into Shawn’s side, sighing as you let the day sink it. He leans down to kiss the top of your head and thread his fingers through yours.

It’s so weird to see him on a Monday, jeans and white t shirt instead of his slacks and a button down. He’s taken the day off to be here for the store launch, and work with you guys on the floor.

“Okay!” He claps his hands together. “Let’s get to work! What’s first?”

**

This is the slowest it’s been all day, there’s been a line practically out the door, and you’re thanking your lucky stars that Shawn wanted to be here today to help. He’s been helping people find books, or the right aisles for certain genres, he’s greeted every person that walks in the door, and talks up the cafe for those who don’t have a drink already.

You and Aaliyah are practically trapped behind the counter, not having a chance to even look to the other, that’s how many people are in line.

You’re ringing up Mrs. Cooper, gift wrapping a few books for her grand kids birthdays. “Caleb is just going to love that Harry Potter box set you had. His mother said he’s been looking for that since Christmas, and Katie has been non stop talking about that new Julie Cross book.”

“We just got that book in this morning, it came with my new shipment.” You nod, tying a ribbon around the box set. “I can’t wait to read it, the Juniper Falls series is one of my favorites.”

“Katie will be so excited.” Mrs. Cooper smiles, handing you the bills to pay for the books. You smile as you ring her up.

“Mrs. Cooper would you like to sign up for a our new rewards program? All you have to do is put in an email or phone number and we’ll track your points that way, with every dollar you earn a point. Every 100 points you get a free book or drink on us.”

“I’d love to, I’m gonna be in enough to make it worth my while.”

“Perfect!” You smile, clicking over to the page to sign her up. “While I get you signed up I’ll have Shawn take your things to your car.”

“Oh thank you Honey.” She smiles, watching you wave Shawn over.

“Hey Gorgeous,” He grins, kissing the side of your head and looking at the screen. “Need help with something?”

“Yeah can you carry Mrs. Coopers books to her car? I’m gonna get her signed up for the rewards program real quick.”

You watch Shawn’s eyes drift from you to the counter where two bags of books sit in front of Mrs. Cooper and her walker.

“Of course, where are you parked?” He asks taking the bags with a big smile.

“Right up front in the handicap parking Son, my husbands in the car waiting.”

“Perfect, I’ll be right back.” Shawn nods, winking at you before he walks away.

You get Mrs. Cooper signed up, ring up a few more people to finish off the line, and then look around at the mostly empty store to see how it looks after that rush.

It’s not too bad, but you notice it needs serious recovery and some filling of shelves. When you turn to start talking to Aaliyah to notice that she’s not standing at her spot behind the counter, but coming out of the back storage room with a cart of books, asking a few people if they’re finding everything okay.

You smile, knowing that Aaliyah was a perfect fit for your store, and everyone was loving her.

You take this quick chance to run over to the cafe and check in with Lauren, and see how she’s doing. The cafe is bustling with people, every table is full and all the chairs in the little nook are occupied with reading teens.

“Hey!” You cheer as you walk behind the counter to talk with Lauren.

She pats Becca, her extra set of hands, on the shoulder to let her know that she’s coming to talk to you.

“Hey Bigshot.”

You roll your eyes at the name, Lauren’s been calling you that since you told her about the remodel and asked her to be the cafe’s lead manager.

“How’s it going over here?” You ask, leaning against the wall, getting a glimpse of Shawn over her shoulder.

He’s talking to a group of men in suits, and you assume they must be his work colleagues.

“It’s going really good, Becca and I are working really well around each other. She’s so sweet and amazing that I’ve practically had her at register all day because she’s selling treats and the cafe card like crazy.”

“Oh yay! I’m so glad!” You nod, smiling at Lauren and then letting your eyes travel back to Shawn. “Do you know those guys?” You ask her, nodding to the guys who just made Shawn’s smile drop to a frown in less than a second.

“Oh I don’t know, they ordered a few minutes ago, kept whispering to each other and laughing as they looked around.” She shrugs, “Seems like Shawn knows them.”

“Yeah will you give me a second?” You ask, walking past her and over to Shawn. “Hey,” You lay a hand on his back, standing beside him as all three of the guys look down to you.

“Hey,” Shawn mumbles, letting his arm uncross from in front of his chest and wrap around you. “This is Tate, Blake and Zach.” He points to each of the guys.

“You must be the famous girlfriend?” Blake says with a teasing smile.

You squint at him as you try to figure out their game here, “Yeah, and you are?”

The boys look to Shawn in shock, “Um, we work at Mendes Printing.” Zach answers.

“They’re in charge of the orders and deliveries.” Shawn says looking to you.

“So, this place is, is something huh?” Tate acknowledges. “You must be so happy to have someone like Shawn who can just dump some change to those in need.”

Shawn stands up straight, jaw clamped shut. You watch as Blake and Zach snicker, looking at each other like they’re the funniest guys in the world.

“I’m lucky to have a supportive boyfriend who believes in my dreams and will help me accomplish them.” You fire back. “And you’re lucky to have such a wonderful man as a boss, who lets you take a break at what?” You pick up Shawn’s wrist to read his watch, “At 2:37 pm.”

All three boys deadpan as you give them a small smile. “We’re on our way to a meeting.” They stammer out.

“Well I’m so glad you are willing to be late to a meeting just to see our new cafe, did you sign up for the new cafe card? With every 10 purchases you get the 11th free. You can sign up while you wait for the drinks you’ve ordered.”

Shawn squeezes your hip, grinning as he kisses the top of your head.

“We’ve got to be headed back to the store, but it was nice to meet you, can’t wait to hear your stellar reviews of the drinks. Lauren’s the best barista in town.”

Shawn steers you away from the boys, smirking into your hair as he holds you close. “They didn’t mean any harm.”

“They practically said that you’re my sugar daddy and bought me my own store.”

“And we both know that isn’t true, you barely let me buy you dinner.”

“You deserved to be spoiled too, so no I’m not about to let you pay for everything just because you can. I can too.”

“I love you, you know that right?”

“I love you too.” You look up at him with a pout. His smile and blushing cheeks has you biting your lip, trying to stay professional in your business. “I really wanna kiss you.” You mumble as you turn away to help Aaliyah fill shelves.

“Oof the things I wanna do to you to celebrate the success of your store? Just wait until we get home Miss. CEO.” Shawn pinches your ass before walking away, tossing a wink your way as your jaw drops.

**

A week into the relaunch and things finally seem to settle back into the normal you’re used too. Wednesdays are always your slowest days, and while it’s not always good for business you take advantage of the free time to get some remerching done.

That’s what you’re up to this morning. You had a dream last night about what the store would look like if you redesigned the front wall and added some of the new signs Shawn’s company just dropped off the other day.

That’s why books are stacked in piles around the front of the store and shelves and knife brackets are scattered in empty spaces as you try plan out how you want it to look like. You’ve counted up 17 notches and slide a knife bracket in place, repeating on the next section. You use your right foot to help hoist the shelf up high enough to set on top of the brackets, but right as you go to lift the door opens, bell startling you and you drop the shelf.

The loud clang and yelp from you is enough to catch Mrs. Cooper’s attention as she walks into the store, eyes wide as she notices you hunched over in pain.

“Oh, Honey are you okay?” She tries to get to you as fast as she can, but with the piles you’ve set down for the time being her walker can’t get to you.

“I’m okay,” You wave her off, trying to play it cool as your foot throbs. “How are you this morning?” You clench your jaw, fisting your jeans to help hold off your scream of pain.

“Dear are you sure you’re okay? You dropped that shelf right on your foot. Where’s that boy who was here the last time I was in, he should be helping. Lord knows he’s got those muscles for a reason.”

“He’s actually just an investor, and well my boyfriend, but he’s got his own company to work for. That was just a one time thing, him working here.” You correct her.

“Is there anyone else here?”

“Not yet, but I’m okay I promise.” You stand up straight, hiding your pain behind a fake smile, to prove you’re alright and don’t need help.

“If you say so, I’m just in to get another one of those Juny Pond books or whatever that series was.”

“Juniper Falls?” You smile, trying to hide your limp as you make your way to your Young Adult sports section. “Which one are you looking for?”

Mrs. Cooper starts to tell you all about how Katie, her granddaughter fell in love with the new book she got her at the re opening, and how she wants more. You soon figure out that Katie has read all three books from the series so you go on to suggest the baseball book that Julie Cross has published that is just as good, and if not your favorite.

But as you talk with Mrs. Cooper Lauren comes in a little early, quickly notices that bare wall and everything a little disorganized up front. When she finds you two she immediately can tell something is wrong with you, and that you’re very uncomfortable.

Usually you’ll talk all day with Mrs. Cooper, but you seem to hurry her a little today and you’re limping in just the slightest bit. The second Mrs. Cooper is out the door to her husband you drop to the floor, letting out a long “owww”

“What happened Doll?” She asks, crouching beside you.

“I was rebuilding the front wall, all in my head and in my zone. The second I lifted the shelf to put it up Mrs. Cooper walked and the bell went off scaring the bejesus out of me and I dropped the damn thing on my foot.”

“Well you’re walking on it so it’s not broken.”

You slip your shoe and sock off, cringing at the deep purple and blue bruise that’s starting to form across your foot, the swelling already starting.

“Just severely bruised.” Lauren sighs.

“Will you help me finish the wall before you open the cafe? I promise to stay off it as much as I can but I can’t leave the front of the store like that.”

She agrees to help but makes you sit on the step stool while you tell her what to do and where to put things. In the end the wall looks really cool and the customers you have coming in after it’s built have nothing but compliments for it.

“Hey!” Aaliyah calls as she clocks in from the back.

“Hey Hon!” You smile as she comes out with a cheery smile, stopping when she spies you on the stool, you rarely sit.

“What’s up?”

“So, don’t tell your brother, but I got hurt today.”

“What? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine but, I might have dropped a shelf on my foot.”

“Oh my god,”

“She’s gonna sugar coat it but she can barely put pressure on her foot, so while I’m in the cafe make sure she’s being good and staying off it and icing it. Also because she’s limited to her chair she’s finally finished up the online order website and gotten all the merchandise in the website so that can launch soon!” Lauren interrupts you.

“Hey! I was gonna tell her that!” You glare at Lauren.

“Sorry, I got excited.”

“Why can’t I tell Shawn, he should know.” Aaliyah looks at you.

“He will.” You nod. “But I want to tell him later, he’ll freak out and blah blah blah.”

Aaliyah nods slowly, and you can see in her eyes, just like her brother, that she’s gonna do the exact thing you asked her not to do. So you mentally make a note that Shawn will be here in the next 15 minutes.

** 10 Minutes Later **

“Jackie, cancel it.” You hear Shawn say as the bell goes off indicating he’s just walked in the door.

“Sorry,” Aaliyah sighs when you look up at her. “He’d kill me if he knew I knew and didn’t say something.”

“It’s okay,” You smile at her. “I know I said I wanted to tell him later, but I’m glad he’s here. So thank you.”

“Emergency.” He hums as he looks around frantically for you, stopping when he sees you seated behind the counter. “Okay I will, thanks Jackie.” With that he hangs up the phone, walking right behind the counter and taking your face into his hands, eyes inspecting yours. “Which foot?”

“Right.”

“Level?”

“8.” You answer softly.

“Reason why you didn’t call?” He raises an eyebrow.

“I wanted to push through?”

“Try again.” He hums, crouching down to take your shoe off so he can see.

“I didn’t want to bother you,” You slump, telling the truth. “I promise I’m okay.”

“And what were you doing?” He asks as he softly caresses your foot, being careful not to touch too rough.

“I was building the front wall.”

He looks up at you, blinks, then turns his head to look at the wall noticing that what you’ve done is actually much cooler and seems to be attracting a lot of attention from bystanders outside.

“How’d you drop it?”

“The bell scared me when Mrs. Cooper walked in and I dropped it.” Your bottom lip pushes out at how lame your story is.

He shakes his head, letting a breath out as he tries not to laugh a little. “You kill me, you know that? How hard would it have been to wait to do that with Liyah here, or Lauren, or me?”

“You?” Your eyebrows scrunch.

“If you would have called I would have come to help.”

“But-”

“We talked about this,” He shakes his head, “We’re in this together right? You chose me to be apart of this with you? Then let me be apart of it. I know I can’t be here everyday, but I can be here to help if you need me to be. Building walls, or new displays that involve heavy lifting is something I can be here for. You just have to tell me.”

You nod, letting his fingers twine with yours on your thighs.

“Okay, next time I’ll call.”

“Thank you, that’s all I’m asking for.” He looks back down at your foot and bites his lip. “Level 8?”

You nod, showing off that you can wiggle your toes a bit but that’s about it.

“Can I take you home?” He whispers, hands sliding to the back of your calves, rubbing little circles with his thumbs.

“Can we stay till close? It’s just a two more hours? You can help me with inventory for the website launch.”

“Of course,” He smiles, jumping up to pull the other stool closer to sit with you and work on the website.

**

Shawn sets you down on the bed, convinced that you shouldn’t be putting any weight on your foot. He happily took on the roll of your right hand man, carrying your everywhere, bringing you things, spoiling you in many kisses.

“So,” He says, digging through his drawer to find you a shirt to wear. “I had a phone meeting with Horan Publishing today.” He smiles as he pulls out his Eddie Vedder, his favorite to see you in.

“Oh?” You hum as you take the shirt from his hands.

“Yeah, he wanted to discuss maybe partnering with us.” Shawn grunts as he starts to change his own clothes.

“With us?” You deadpan, looking up at him.

Shawn looks over his shoulder at the sound of your question, stopping his actions to turn and look at you.

“Yeah.”

“Us? I’m-”

“He publishes books,” Shawn grins, “We sell books.”

You nod dumbly, still confused that someone wants to partner.

“He was wondering if we might be interested in sponsoring a few of his new authors, maybe give them a shelf or two, the room to do a signing.”

“He wants to do that with us?”

“Yes,” Shawn laughs at your skepticism, “He’s an old friend but said he’s noticing the rapid success of your store and thought that maybe if he partnered with us the younger audience that your store draws might help kickstart a fanbase.”

You just blink at him.

“I’ll go over all the paperwork he sent over, but I think it’s a good deal, he’d be sponsoring us much the same we’d do for him.”

“If you think it’s a good deal then fucking do it, I trust you more than my own opinions here.”

Shawn grins, shaking his head, crawling towards you on the bed to plant a steamy kiss to your lips. “You’re so fucking cute,” He murmurs against your lips.

**

A month later your store is filled with a line out the door and wrapped around the building for the first book signing you’ll sponsor.

Niall is here, planted firmly in the cafe corner, laptop open, charger plugged into the wall to make sure he’s not gonna crash as he works through the signing.

Shawn’s here to support, ready to help in anyway he can. But the more you watch from a distance behind the counter the more you’re wishing he wasn’t here.

He’s getting quite close to the author.

She’s gorgeous, long brown hair, brown sparkly eyes, perfect eyebrows and cheekbones. She is an incredible author, and honestly you’ve become a big fan after reading the first copies of a few of her books that Niall sent over last week. But the more she’s making eyes at Shawn, touching his arm, and laughing at everything he has to say has her leaving a sour taste in your mouth.

But slowly your becoming hurt with the way he’s not pushing her off, and how he keeps stepping just a little closer.

You take a deep breath, turning to look at Aaliyah and seeing that she’s struggling a little with keeping up with the line of book hungry teens.

You decide that you don’t have time to stand and watch your perfect boyfriend flirt with the perfect girl in front of him, you’ve got work to do. So, you roll up your sleeves slip behind Aaliyah to get to the other register and start ringing up the next customer.

The store is crazy destroyed by the time you closed. Aaliyah was feeling stressed and little under the weather when you locked the doors to start the closing process, so you sent her home promising that you could handle it on your own.

Shawn had tried to kiss you goodbye, after walking Hailee, the author, to her car and giving her a big hug before she got in. You turned your head so he had to kiss your cheek, and then stalked off to start cleaning before he had the chance to ask what was up.

He leaves hesitantly, guiding Aaliyah through the door to take her home, but watches you from the windows, noticing the deep frown on your face and the way your shoulders are slumped as you start to count the registers.

“Was she like that all day?” He asks his sister, pointing at you once they’re both seated in the car.

“What?” Aaliyah looks up, and the sees what he’s pointing at. “Oh, um, she was fine this morning, really excited. But like as the day went on it was like something was constantly bugging her and bringing her mood down. I tried to talk to her about it but she just kept saying ‘I’ve got work to do, no time to waste on dumb things’.”

Shawn’s brows furrow and he watches you for a minute before driving away to drop Aaliyah off.

By the time he makes it back to help and pick you up his poor thumb nail is practically non existent, he wants to know what’s wrong and got you feeling down.

He knocks at the door, peaking through the window so you can see him to let him in. You turn and look over your shoulder with wide eyes and then they soften a bit when you recognize him.

You scramble for your keys and unlock the door, “What are you doing here?”

His eyes narrow on you in confusion, “I’m here to help, and take you back home?”

“Oh,” You look back at the cafe where Lauren was cleaning up. You had told her about Shawn and Hailee and how they had acted all day, and she offered to give you a ride home since you rode in with Shawn. “Lauren was gonna drive me.”

Shawn looks over your shoulder to Lauren, catching her glare, his heart beat picking up a bit.

“But I thought you were staying over?”

“I think I’m just gonna go back to mine, I’m really tired and just wanna sleep.”

“And what did you think you’d being doing at mine? Going to Vegas and staying up all night. I’m tired too, I just wanna go to bed with you.” He lowers his voice and reaching for your hand, but gasping a bit when you don’t let him hold it. “What’s wrong?”

You sigh, shaking your head as your turn to fix the front table display.

“Hey.” He grabs your wrist, turning to you back to him. “Talk to me, what’s wrong?”

“It’s stupid.”

He eyes you, knowing that you need some time before you really start to talk to him about what’s going on in your head. So he nods, “Well I’m here when you’re ready okay? I saw you got a few shipments in the back? Can I help move and unbox them for you?”

“Sure.” You shrug, going back to your work and trying to not let his cute little puppy look break you down.

So for the next hour, after Lauren leaves once you tell her that you can handle Shawn, it’s just the two of you. Shawn’s back and forth from the back to the front bringing out more books. But every time you go to start cleaning something else there’s a random book sitting in front of you.

The first time it’s ‘Beautiful Boss’ by Christina Lauren, and you look around confused why a romance novel would be in the Syfy section.

The second time it’s ‘P.S. I Still Love You.’ by Jenny Han, and you roll your eyes since it’s a Young Adult in the Cooking shelf.

The third time is after you’ve corrected Shawn on how he set something up, and you were a little harsh with how you told him. You giggle a little when you see ‘Disarm’ with a sticky note under the title that says ‘Please, I’m still learning.’

You look at him while he’s focusing on getting the sign just right, small pout on your lips at how hard he’s trying for you.

The final time you notice a book it’s ‘Lucky in Love’ with another sticky note that says ‘with you!!’.

You sigh, smiling as you look up at him. He’s watching you over a bookshelf, his height allowing him to spy.

“Stop being cute when I’m mad at you.” You whine, making him grin and rush around the shelf to you.

“Why are you mad?” He asks softly, setting the books he was holding down.

“I don’t know, why don’t you go ask Hailee.”

His eyes go wide and he sighs, “Oh Honey.”

“Don’t ‘Honey’ me, you seemed more interested in what she had to say than me.”

“That’s not true.”

“You know what,” You sigh, knowing that you sound ridiculous, “I think I’m just gonna go over to Lauren’s.”

“No, you’re not.” Shawn blocks your path to the counter.

“I’m not in the mood to fight.”

His eyes bug a little, “I didn’t realize we were fighting.”

“Shawn,” You sigh, looking up at him with hurt eyes.

“Baby,” He whines, wrapping his arms around you. “What’s really the matter?”

You take a deep breathe, “The real matter is that I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“I’m scared that one of these days you’re gonna meet someone like Hailee, who’s got her life figured out and is perfect and looks perfect, and you’re gonna realize that you need to be with someone like that and not someone like me. That you want someone who can challenge you, and be up to the standards that you live. Someone who isn’t prone to failing and needing you to bail her out of her life.”

Shawn’s heart drops when he hears you speak this way. He was absolutely in love with you, and he couldn’t stand the fact that you felt like he was bailing you out.

“Hey,” He tilts your chin up since your looking at his chest to avoid eye contact. “Listen to me okay?”

“Sure,” You sigh.

“No hey,” He dips his chin so you have to look him in the eye. “I’m in love with you. I’m in love with your passion, and opinions. I’m in love with the way your brain works, and the way you fight for what you want. I’m in love with the way that you don’t know what you want your life to be, because we’re fucking 21 years old, we shouldn’t have to know what our lives are. You think you don’t challenge me? You piss me off and frustrate me all the time because you make me think of things in a different way, you have different ideas to everything. And while I think one way you think another, and you’re always right. Always, so I love that side of you too, because it challenges me. Also, I really don’t care what you say, but you are perfect. You are my definition of perfect.”

“Shawn,” You whimper, looking up at him with tearful eyes.

“So no, you won’t be staying at Lauren’s because I’ve planned a late dinner and a romantic bubble bath to celebrate the first signing.”

You gape at him as he pulls you closer. Nuzzling into your neck, nosing right behind your ear.

“And we’re not allowed to just not come home, remember?”

**

Shawn wonders out of his room and down the hall to find you standing at his kitchen counter making coffee with a book in your hand. He can’t help himself but to stare for a moment. There you stand with your hair in messy bun, and his favorite nighty of yours hugging you tightly.

The tattoo on your hip teases him as you reach up onto your toes for your mug, but your eyes never leave your book, too entranced in the story to look away.

The fresh hickey on your neck flashes at him when he starts to move closer, taunting him to add more. He presses himself right behind you, reaching up for you to get your mug down.

“I love how you wear this when we fight,” He hums into your neck, planting a little wet kiss to your new purple temporary tattoo.

“It’s your favorite.” You whisper back. “And I’m sorry for insinuating the things I did.”

“Stop,” He hushes you, turning you so you’re facing him. “We did the apologies already.” He lifts you up onto the counter. “Had the make up sex.” He grins. “We’re good to go.”

“So you’re not in the mood for more make up sex?” You ask with a sly grin.

“How about some ‘you’re in my favorite negligee and I’m really in love with you’ sex?” He hoists you up, biting his lip as you wrap your legs around his waist, hands digging into his curls.

“That sounds so fucking perfect.” You moan as he sucks another bruise to your neck.

**

This time when he wakes up alone in bed he finds you in the little makeshift nook he made for you. The chair in the corner of his office big and comfy and you sink right into it.

“I’m gonna get you a house with a room line with shelves and a comfy spot for you to read in.” He sighs, flopping next to you on your chair, well it’s more of a loveseat, hand rested on your bare thigh, riding up his Sting t shirt you’re now wearing.

“Can your desk still be in the room with me? So you’re not too far away?”

“You can literally have anything you want.” He hums, taking your book from your hand, folding the corner on your page and setting it on the ground so he can lean you back and lay on you.

“Just you,” You whisper, leaning forward to kiss his nose. “Just want you.”

“Mmm, you have me.” He nods. “So let me spoil you.”

“You do.”

“So you’ll let me buy us a home? With a library ready to be filled with your favorite stories?”

“Are you asking me to move in with you?”

“We practically already live together Babe, it’s just a juggle between your place and mine.”

“So why can’t we just move into here, the condo?”

He sighs, dropping his head to your chest and groaning, “Because the house I bought has a room lined with shelves, enough room for your chair or a couch, or both, whatever you want.”

“Shawn?” “So can I give you the key now?”

“Does it have room for your desk?” You ask softly.

“Babe my office is conjoined to your library by french doors. You really think I can be away from you?”

“Really?” You let a small smile light up your features.

“And it’s got a kitchen island like you always talk about, and a room that can be made into a nursery at some point. The backyard is huge, plenty of room to build a treehouse.”

“You bought us a home?”

“I bought you a home.” He nods.

“Baby!” You sob, throwing your arms around his neck and pulling him into you. “You bought us a home!”

**

It’s early this Sunday morning, you and Shawn are walking around like the sleep deprived zombies you are.

This week has consisted of packing up your place, packing his place, moving to the new house in the neighborhood that’s exactly halfway from the store and the office, and unpacking.

Shawn through a little fit when you asked him to come with you this morning to the store to be there for the bookfair delivery, and to help you set it up for tomorrow. After you explained that you were a little nervous about how early the delivery was, and how the guy treated you the last time no one was convincing Shawn that he wasn’t going.

The back storage room is jam packed with boxes upon boxes, and displays for days.

The store was sponsoring the local elementary schools Book Fair, which is bringing in money for you and the attention from all the parents and teachers in tow.

You were standing in your new Young Adult section for the time being, replacing the John Green and making sure to have tons in backstock as well when Shawn came running by.

“Babe!”

“Yeah Honey,” You look up at his excited features.

“Check out the new printing.” He eyes the book he’s outstretched to you, ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’.

You’re a little confused because this copy looks pretty worn, the spine bent, pages creases, corners folded. “Okay?” You cautiously take the book, noticing it feels a little lighter than you were expecting. You flip open the cover and gasp at what you see.

There in the middle of all the pages, Shawn’s gone out and cut a square out of the middle of the book and placed a ring box inside.

“Oh wait,” He snaps, getting you to look up at him. “That’s my copy that I made after the night I met you and you told me that if someone ever proposed to you like this that you’d say yes times a million.” He grins as he sees the tears in your eyes.

He reaches inside and plucks the box from the book, dropping to his knee in front of you and popping the box open, revealing your dream ring. It’s a simple silver ring, cut to look like rope that meets in the middle to look like a knot.

“Shawn,” You gasp.

“Let me give you your happily ever after, the next part to your everlasting series, and the greatest epilogue to the best story ever. Baby will you marry me?”

**

It was finally the day, with the store and life changing between you and Shawn, you lost track of time since you’d asked him.

But today marks five years without Pa, and it was your tradition to have a picnic with him.

You sit between Shawn’s legs, back against his chest, head rested back on his shoulder as you trace the quote you had engraved on Pa’s tombstone.

‘Create your own happily ever after’.

Shawn kisses your neck as his hand sneaks around to rest on your small baby bump, hand just about as big as the bump itself.

“I did it Pa,” You whisper, smiling as you cuddle closer to Shawn, fiddling with your ring he’s wearing. “I made my own happily ever after.”

[galaxy-creationz]

A long and controversial fandom analysis:

I have *~thoughts~* about Stargirl and shipping and stuff but it’s gonna look like I’m trying to start beef with a certain 1 or 2 people here (one of which I follow oof) so if you’re reading this (you know who you are), I just want to say that I’m not. Though it’d be best if you didn’t read this because my opinion is very different from yours. I’m sorry, block me if you want, it’s nothing personal, I won’t be offended, but I just wanted to post this. 

Okay, if you aren’t one of the people I implied, take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is my personal opinion and I am not attacking anyone. And please read the tags.

I am open to (respectful!) debating, so here we go. Here’s the hot takes that could possibly start a ship war, though I pray that we are all mature enough to prevent it: 

My opinions on who I ship and also Courtney’s orientation, the short answer:

I ship her with both Yolanda and Cameron. Sorta. And my personal headcanon is that she’s attracted to both boys and girls (idk about specific labels tho) but she doesn’t know this until later. 

And here’s the long answer: 

I know that Camney will be canon at some point (sorry that’s just the truth), though a cast member that I can’t recall exactly who but I know is a cast member, said that their relationship will be “complicated”. Now, I have no idea how to interpret this, as said cast member was pretty vague about it.  

I know that Cameron finding out about his father’s death and (possibly?) turning evil will most likely be the reason, but I feel like there’s more.

Now, after some digging, I found out about his character in the comics. (Comic fans will probably know where this is going.) If they do bring this in, this gives another layer to the complicated-ness that the ship will be in season 2. 

In my ideal season 2, he and Courtney will date for a few episodes, then he’ll realize that he isn’t attracted to her (or not, according to what the writers decide to do with him) and break up. After this, Courtney will go to Yolanda for comfort which leads to them catching feelings for each other and then they date and Wildstar will be endgame. The end. If it doesn’t then I’m also chill with that but that’s just my favorite speculation.

Of course, this isn’t likely (but then again, I’m sure the writers won’t erase his identity for fear of backlash). Here are several other scenarios, which I’m also chill with:

1. He still turns evil but Courtney doesn’t know this until later. When she finds out, there is angst and a breakup, which either leads to them getting back together by the end of the season or Courtney ending up with someone else, whether it’s a new character or an existing one. 

2. If they don’t get back together, Courtney can still end up getting with Yolanda like in my ideal scenario. The same thing happens. 

3. Or Cameron doesn’t turn evil and the complicated-ness is all from finding out who his dad is (was) and there is less angst but he and Courtney stay together. 

Now, I might be saying this because I just dislike Camney a lot less than everyone else here, or I genuinely ship it,  which brings me to my next point:

I don’t know how I feel about the ship, or the other one. Like, at all. 

Am I just shipping it because it’s gonna be canon at some point? 

Do I actually like Camney more than Wildstar but I’m repressing that part of me for fear of being an outcast in the Tumblr fandom?

Do I not even like Wildstar and only ship them (and write a fic about  them) because everyone practically peer pressured me into it?

Do I secretly only ship Wildstar, and is my brain just tricking me into thinking I ship Camney because I ship the canon ships in other fandoms and is preparing me for when they become canon?

This gets even crazier when I factor in another one of Courtney’s potential (or just popular?) love interests, Cindy. 

Unlike most people in the fandom, I’m not a huge fan of her, especially because of what she did to Yolanda. It seems like everyone put the blame on Henry for that. Yes, he did have a part in it, but let’s not forget that it was 90% Cindy. 

I’ve seen claims that she’s coded to have feelings for Courtney, especially because of the tension (?) in their fight scenes. It was also confirmed by a cast member. People are also saying that the writers are trying to send the message that “straight good everything else bad”, but to be honest, I don’t see it. 

There are straight villains. (assuming that all those ISA pairings floating around are just crackships)

Also, Wildstar still has a chance of happening. 

Maybe I don’t like Starshiv as much as other people do because it reminds me of another ship. (Supergirl fans who follow me will know) Or maybe because I think Cindy is perfect as a villain and the only way the ship would work is if she had a redemption arc? Or because of the above reasons. Don’t get me wrong, I think she’s a good character, but just not a good person. 

I feel like in another world, if that Supergirl ship that it reminds me of didn’t exist, maybe I might’ve ended up a Starshiv shipper. But that’s not the world we live in. 

There are claims that the writers (one in particular) are homophobic. I don’t know enough about that one writer to say anything, but given that he’s an older straight man and Tumblr hates him, he probably is. But let’s not drop the H-word on everyone else. 

Which brings me to how disturbingly familiar this situation is to me. For those of you who aren’t in the Supergirl fandom, let me explain. 

Kara is the main character.  (Parallel to Courtney)

Lena (wow I didn’t censor her name for once) is a villain who is popularly shipped with her. (Parallel to Cindy but I genuinely hate Lena, and there is no confirmation that Lena is coded to have feelings for Kara)

William is supposedly Kara’s love interest. He has asked her out only once. (Parallel to Cameron but he’s 100% straight)

(I can’t find a character that’s the equivalent of Yolanda, so let’s just ignore her for this part.)

The resemblance is that I dislike Kara and Lena as a couple, but am partial to Kara and William, despite them not being my first choice as a ship. And the people who ship Kara with Lena tend to dislike William very, very much, claiming that he’s too boring.

Of course, with Supergirl being a much older show than Stargirl, this problem is 23894793847 times worse. We have people harassing the actors and sending  them death threats, and real person shipping is big, and they claim William to be abusive. 

I’m not saying that Starshiv shippers are as bad as that (obviously) but I’m scared they will be someday. Luckily, Wildstar is still more popular. 

Go ahead, hate Cameron if you want. He’s not real, so no feelings will be hurt. I am not implying that you will do this, so don’t take this the wrong way, but remember that his actor is real, has feelings, and is not the same as his character, so keep fiction and reality separate.

And please do the same with the other characters.

Anyways, to end this, let’s go back to where I started.

I feel like too many people think that Courtney can only like one gender. There’s the “fanon says it’s girls and canon says it’s boys” but like I said, she can like both so that’s what I think. 

The writers will most likely make her straight, and this is gonna make people really mad at them, causing a backlash that could potentially become like the Supergirl fandom’s. I hope not.

So, that’s my thoughts on Stargirl. Thank you for reading. I am fully prepared for a flood of anon hate coming after me. The second I get a hate ask, I’m closing my ask box for the next few days.

I’m gonna lose friends for this, aren’t I?

[nadziejastar]

How do you think Axel would have been viewed if he was a woman, but otherwise written exactly the same?

I think a female Lea (Leah?) would have been very popular. She’d be a breath of fresh air considering how stereotypical most female characters are. She’d have as many fanboys as Lea does fangirls. I don’t think she would have been shipped with Roxas as much, though. I just don’t think it would have been as popular if it weren’t a yaoi pair with an uke and seme. If anything, I think people would have assumed she was a lesbian, lol. But that’s just my speculation. I think her relationship with Saix would have been far more acceptable to see as romantic if she’d been female, whether Saix was male or female. Female/Female relationships are just more socially acceptable. If Axel had been a girl, I’d still like her with Isa.

Lea the Crybaby

“Even if we don’t see each other, it’s more important that we think about each other all the time, anyway, right? …Got it memorized?”

Roxas grinned. “It doesn’t suit you, saying things like that.”

Those words were meant to make them feel better, but… if I went into that, I’d look weak. “Shaddap,” said Axel, looking away.

Xion laughed. Roxas found it funny too, and he started to laugh.

“Is it that funny?!” Axel asked almost unconsciously.

Roxas and Xion stopped laughing for a moment, but when they looked at each other, they burst out laughing again.

If Axel had been a girl, he wouldn’t have to be written or perceived any differently. I don’t think there’s anything about his personality that couldn’t have been possible in a female character. Heck, I think many aspects of him would have been more accepted as a female character. If he were female, he would have been perceived differently, though. 

And because of that, he wouldn’t have been robbed of all his emotional depth in KH3. As a Nobody, Axel had balls of steel. He smiled even as he was disappearing. He always smiled through the worst pain. He was a total hardass. It’s a big reason why he became so popular. Most of the male fans I know in real life liked Axel because he was a total badass in Castle Oblivion. And he was. He was cold and ruthless and COOL. All of that is fine in female characters, too.

“I want everybody I meet to remember me. Inside people’s memories, I can live forever.”

“I know I won’t forget you. Believe me, I try all the time,” Isa replied with a bit of humor in his tone.

“See? I’m immortal!”

“You’re obnoxious.”

But Axel was not naturally cold and badass. He became that way because he was VERY sensitive. He was a very multi-dimensional character. You can especially see it in the novels. He was so softhearted that he became desensitized to pain. That’s how he was able to smile all the time. In BBS, you can see he’s not really “badass”. He’s a huge dork that gets teased by Isa. I’ve seen some fans (mostly male) dislike the direction they took him in Days and BBS because he seemed too nice. But that’s the real Lea. A kindhearted, lovable, childish dork.

On the sofa opposite him, Naminé spoke up instead. “Sora and Riku are best friends.”

Axel’s eyes crinkled as he remembered his own best friend—the only friend he’d ever had, in fact.

“If your best friend goes away, you’re sad, and if you get to be with them, you’re happy,” Naminé added. “Isn’t that how it is, Axel?”

“…That’s about the size of it.” Axel nodded and sat down on the remaining empty sofa, staring at the sea-salt ice cream he held.

“So you are capable of sincerity,” said Riku.

Axel only shrugged at the jab and finished his ice cream pop.

I think Axel became more flat and was reduced to mainly comic relief in KH3 specifically because the KH3 team was afraid of the backlash they might receive if they did what they were originally gonna do with him. The were scared to go all the way and take his story to its natural conclusion because he’s male. Probably because it would change the way people perceived him. He’s not really as cool and badass as people thought. If he had been female, this side of his personality would have been embraced. But as a male, it was much more difficult to pull off, and ultimately, Square was too cowardly to do it.

He’d never deluded himself that tracking down Riku would be easy, and neither had Saïx. It was just that if he went back and reported that he couldn’t find anything, he would have to deal with those attempts at “personality”—the sneers, the snide remarks, the only trappings of human emotion that Saïx ever showed. Not that Saïx was even capable of annoyance or disappointment, of course, what with the lack of a heart and all.

Heading up the slope to the station, Axel bit into the ice cream bar. “This stuff is so salty,” he murmured to himself, as he often did.

Axel was a very deep character. He had many sides. Kanemaki was a writer on Days and I think she had a lot to do with how fleshed out he became. Due to his trauma, he appeared to be very stoic and other times very carefree. But deep down, he was very vulnerable. He hated showing it. He hated it when people saw him cry. He hid his feelings very well. Roxas and Xion never saw the emotional side of him. And many fans didn’t either. Axel was still smiling the last time he saw Roxas in person, when he said let’s meet again in the next life. He only cried for the first time in KH2FM. The scene didn’t go too far. It was ambiguous if Roxas could even tell Axel was crying. Axel never allowed himself to showed true vulnerability with Roxas.

“Let’s meet again in the next life.”

At those words spoken with just a hint of a smile, Roxas nodded quietly.

“Yeah. I’ll be waiting.”

There was something funny about Roxas’ serious answer, and Axel laughed.

Same with Kairi. And that was the problem. Axel/Lea was more emotional in KH3. He had a heart, so it’s only natural. He cried with Kairi, but ran away afterwards. When he reunited Roxas and Xion, he cried again. But IMO, that wasn’t the catharsis he really needed. He was still bottling a lot of strong feelings up. He never has a scene where he has to confront his emotional baggage and deal with it. He never had to deal with the fact that he was using Roxas as an emotional crutch for much deeper issues.

Then someone else spoke behind him. “I’ve been waiting for you, Axel.”

“Yeah, I figured you’d show up.” His smirk turned nastier as he turned to see Saïx. He didn’t take his eyes off the other man as he spoke to the girl in the cage.

His final fight was robbed of almost all emotion. It didn’t feel like he had anything to fight for. He lacked passion or a strong purpose. Look how many people say that Lea shouldn’t have even gotten a Keyblade. The fight wasn’t for Axel and Saix to finally settle their issues. It felt more like Roxas and Xion were the stars. Then the stupid Subject X crap was shoehorned in. 

Lea is mostly known in KH3 for having a few quips where he breaks the fourth wall. His humor was allowed to be played up as much as possible. But, he wasn’t allowed much genuine emotion. Despite having a heart, he felt more hollow than ever in many ways. His reunion with Roxas and Xion was…cute? I guess? To me it felt forced. Lea still acted kinda “meh”. Roxas and Xion were crying, and he was still trying to play it cool. He was never allowed to take his mask off. He still never had true a moment of emotional catharsis.

You’re ultimately still a crybaby, but you don’t need the marks anymore.

The truth is, Lea needed a resolution where he wasn’t forced into the cool and aloof big brother role. It’s why the Roxas and Xion reunion didn’t provide any closure to his character arc. Lea wasn’t really aloof, like he acted on Day 96. He was super emotional. He needed someone to be truly 100% vulnerable with. The only character to know that side of Lea was Isa. And it’s obvious that “Lea the crybaby” is something that revolved around his relationship with Isa more than anyone. It’s mentioned in Isa’s Character File story.

The sunset stung my eyes. I’ve been a bit of a crybaby lately. I wonder if it’s because the upside-down tear charm is gone.

And also Lea’s Character File story called “I Will Not Forget You”. His character arc in KH3 was “resolved” by hastily reuniting with Roxas and Xion and “working it out” with Saix. But…it really wasn’t resolved at all.

Axel suddenly broke his silence. “Well, even if things change, we’ll never be apart—”

“—As long as we remember one another,” Xion finished. “Right?”

The day the ‘Winner’ stick was finally mentioned, it’s called “Sunset” and Axel told them they’d never be apart. He was acting like nothing was wrong, even though he knew there was barely any time left for them to be together. He never let Roxas and Xion know how sentimental he was. On Xion’s “Day 6″ she disappeared. It was called “Tears”. That’s the day Axel finds the white envelope with the stick in it.

Maybe, this is the last time I’ll see Saix, too.

Thinking, Axel looked at the seated Saix’s back. “We’ve known each other for a pretty long time, haven’t we?”

Ignoring Axel’s words, Saix continued typing on the keyboard.

“Say something. Have you even thought that maybe I can’t erase Roxas?” Axel said, in a playful tone, and Saix finally looked up. “It’ll be all right. ‘Cause I’m tough.” Axel puffed out his chest.

“How stupid,” said Saix, and for a moment he smiled. “Let’s hurry up and prepare. Time is limited. The hero will wake up soon, too. I’ll send you in right in front of Roxas.”

“Okay.”

Axel stood in front of the sending device. Saix rested his finger on the button.

“I’m off the~n!” Waving to Saix, Axel’s figure disappeared.

On Roxas’s “Day 6″, Axel had a very emotional exchange with Saix after looking at the white envelope. He was bonding with Saix just before he attempted to eliminate Roxas. He joked with Saix about it. That sends a very powerful message about the nature of Axel’s feelings for Saix. Axel was emotionally dependent on him. Saix thought Axel didn’t need him anymore, but that simply wasn’t true. He did. It’s obvious to me that the ‘Winner’ stick was meaningful to Axel due to his relationship with Isa more than anyone. That stick was a symbol of Lea’s tears. Yet…it was never even mentioned in KH3. Saix only briefly glanced at it just before he mentioned that Axel’s tear marks were gone. The rest is left to your imagination. 

“Oh, c’mon, it’s not that funny!” Axel scolded.

They paused, looked at each other, and giggled again.

“I don’t know why I put up with this…”

“But, I mean…it just didn’t sound like you, Axel.” Xion could barely hold in laughter long enough to get the words out.

A wish that they could always be together—was longing for the impossible. But at least they could always remember one another.

I think it was hinting that Isa originally given him that stick. It was probably so Lea would always remember him, even when he was gone. Lea cried that day. A LOT. Just like Roxas finally shed tears when Xion was gone, leaving behind nothing but the shell. Lea’s feelings for Isa were as powerful as Roxas’s feelings for Xion. 

Axel became numb by the time he became a Nobody. Then he started to grow a heart again. That’s what his entire arc in Days was about. These extremely powerful feelings for Isa got totally ignored in KH3, though. Changing Lea’s arc with Isa robbed him of all his emotional depth. It really, truly did. It hurt his character SO much. Lea had nobody to be vulnerable with. Most people could tell Axel/Lea was handled poorly in KH3, even if they weren’t not sure what exactly was missing.

I chose to disappear because I did not want to become what Xemnas had planned for me. Therefore, I had no regrets. I remember disappearing in front of the clock tower while Roxas held me. Roxas also went to sleep afterwards, leaving Axel alone. The person who probably suffered the most was Axel. Because he’s the one who forgot the most. Being forgotten and forgetting, they’re both painful.

What was missing was genuine emotion and vulnerability. Lea’s resolution in KH3 needed to be emotional. WAAAAY more emotional than a quick hug with Roxas and Xion, then going back to being comic relief and breaking the fourth wall. He needed to bawl his eyes out. Even in Xion’s Character File, she said he had more pain than her or Roxas. He needed to finally drop his cool big brother exterior and show his pain. Isa needed to be the one to comfort the “crybaby” and let him know he never forgot about him.

Lea needed a lot more from Isa than just him grudgingly admitting he was jealous and dismissively telling him to stop crying. Lea needed a shoulder to cry on. Someone he could show his weakness to. That’s something Roxas and Xion could not offer him. Without that, his character did not really grow in KH3. He remained the same as he was in Days. Static.

I think the whole idea of Lea’s character was changed because it was too “gay”. Square/Disney we’re afraid of a character like Lea. A male character with a powerful emotional arc revolving around the tears he shed for another man. The story of Axel tear drops got dropped like a hot potato in favor of some stupid retcon with Skuld. If Axel had been female, nobody would care about the subplot with Subject X. Everyone would have been clamoring for more details about how and why she got her tear marks.

[aion-rsa]

Psych 2: Lassie Come Home Easter Egg and Reference Guide

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The following contains spoilers for Psych 2: Lassie Come Home.

As fun as 2017’s Psych: The Movie was, its 2020 sequel Psych 2: Lassie Come Home will likely supplant it in Psych-Os’ hearts, because it’s got 500% more Carlton Lassiter (Timothy Omundson). But how does it stack up to its predecessor in terms of Psych callbacks and pop culture homages? Using our Spencer powers of observation, we’ve tried to catch every recurring inside joke between Shawn (James Roday Rodriguez) and Gus (Dulé Hill), plus all the episodic-specific bits. It’s a feature-length Hitchcock homage, but it’s also the toughest Easter egg hunt of your life. C’mon, son!

Psych 2: Lassie Come Home Easter Eggs and References

The title is a reference to Lassie Come Home, the 1943 Lassie movie about the beloved dog making her way home from Scotland. A German-language remake came out early in 2020.

It’s always a treat to hear the Psych theme song “I Know, You Know,” performed by creator Steve Franks and his band The Friendly Indians.

Lassiter wakes up to Shawn and Gus hovering above him at the recovery clinic is a throwback to when they kidnapped him for his bachelor party in “Deez Nups” and he came to with them screaming “Surpriiise!”

Morrissey the rescue dog reprises his role from Psych: The Movie in being adorable, incredibly nosy, and oblivious to Shawn’s hissing commands.

Sarah Chalke’s nurse character Dolores is most likely a nod to San Francisco’s Mission Dolores church and cemetery, the location for Carlotta Valdes’ grave in Vertigo.

Right out the gate, Dolores is treated to the requisite Gus nickname: “My name is Shawn Spencer, and this is my partner Bill Poopingtons.” However, Shawn and Gus take a sidebar for a very meta argument about their ongoing bit (while fitting in another bit):

“Gus, don’t be the night your dad fell asleep inside your mom. We can’t just stop doing bits we’ve been doing for ten years. We have fans, they have expectations, there’ll be a huge backlash.”

“Shawn, we are two dumbasses, we do not have fans.”

Compromise: Gus gets right of refusal until they land on a nickname he prefers. And so:

Bill Poopingtons > All the Pips in One

Ding-Dong Ditch > Claude O’Dern > Big Poppa Pump > Lemon-a Lemon-a Lemon-a Liiime

Leggo My Eggo > Norman Brown Butter > Dijon Hounsou

Gus also calls himself Jermajesty, channeling some Jackson Five energy.

“Black Jello” was Gus’ nickname in their adult dodgeball league.

The Herschel House is likely a nod to Herschel Daugherty, who directed over two dozen episodes of Alfred Hitchcock Presents…

Gus and Shawn are still bickering over driving the drivers ed car, even if we don’t see it in the movie. They do manage to be just as bad at turning the right direction when riding a motorcycle together.

“Now I know this ‘goofy little white guy/sexy black dude’ routine the two of you have going like the back of my scrubs.” Sarah Chalke played Elliot on Scrubs, whose JD/Turk bromance walked so that Shawn/Gus could run.

Shawn calls Dolores “the nurse from Color of Night,” the 1994 Bruce Willis erotic mystery thriller that won a Golden Raspberry for Worst Picture.

The boys get Jamba Juice because you never turn down an opportunity for a Jamba.

Shawn likens Gus’ pubic hair to Eddie Murphy’s mustache in his 1987 stand-up film Raw.

Shawn offers the dismembered hand to Gus to “knuck it up softly,” per their penchant for fist-bumping. 

They later do fist-bump outside the old Psych offices, but not before channeling Han Solo and Chewbacca in Star Wars: The Force Awakens: “Gus, we’re home.” “[Wookiee sound]”

Psych has become a French-themed cat café… for now, at least. It’s not an alternative universe from Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, but the current subletter’s pop-up business. The proprietor (not the girl from Orphan) is played by Allison Miller, James Roday Rodriguez’s co-star in A Million Little Things.

“I am a psychic. He is a sympathetic pooper.” Poor Gus’ intestinal system gets called out again.

Henry’s (Corbin Bernsen) put-on voice gets compared to Tom Waits, Kathleen Turner, Harvey Fierstein, and Diedrich Bader.

Shawn neglected to tell his landlord that he’d moved, which tracks with his behavior in the series finale “The Break-Up.”

Henry reveals that in addition to telenovelas, he enjoys zeitgeist-y sobfests: “You left behind a slow cooker with a three-pound roast in it. You nearly This Is Us-ed the entire block.”

“This Is Us—Dad, why are you watching that show? They have the same show on ABC but newer”: Shawn’s shoutout to A Million Little Things.

Lassiter mistakes Reese Kessler, his supposed shooter, for country music singer Conway Twitty.

Lassiter’s to-do list includes “tape Galavant,” the short-lived musical comedy fantasy series created by Dan Fogelman (This Is Us), in which Timothy Omundson played King Richard. It also includes items poking fun at Lassiter’s crankiness (“yell at nature,” “chirping bird d-day plan”) and tenacity (“solve black dahlia”), and heartstring-tugging items (“pre-register for ironman” as in the triathlon). He also has written down Shawn’s S.E.I.Z.E. mantra from his short-lived career as Lassiter’s life coach in “S.E.I.Z.E. the Day”: Seize Eggs I don’t know Zebra Eighties.

Juliet (Maggie Lawson) lying to Shawn sounds strange, though not as strange as Lupita Nyong’o—the Tethered Lupita—in Jordan Peele’s Us.

Shawn’s “romantic dinner” for Jules is the menu from A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (jelly beans, pretzels, buttered toast, popcorn, and ice cream sundaes) because it’s all they had at the gas station on the way home.

That prompts an iconic “C’mon, son!” from Gus.

Gus’ ringtone is “I’m Mr. Bootyman,” which is both Henry’s ringtone and the song featured in Buzz McNab’s bachelorette party stripper routine in “Deez Nups.”

Gus’ (technically Jules’) green snuggie bears a striking resemblance to official Psych contest merch.

Lassiter spotting mysterious bleeding figures out his window is an homage to Rear Window.

Richard Schiff (as Dr. Herschel) was Dulé Hill’s co-star in The West Wing.

Potterhead Gus wants to know if there are any people hiding in the pipes of the Herschel House, “speaking in their own tongue, perhaps Parsel.”

The Psych boys’ map of suspects briefly includes the Hell Hag from Gus’ dreams in “A Nightmare on State Street.”

Shawn has only been to Norway once with his brother-in-law Ewan O’Hara (John Cena), but they don’t talk about that… Maybe that’s where Psych: The Movie went after its cliffhanger ending?

Ova’s Norwegian song/chant toast at the Viking’s Ice Den is very similar to the Swedish toast in “Right Turn or Left for Dead.”

Ova’s violent son Per is first described as “the bearded Daryl Hannah.”

Shawn’s excuse to Detective Buzz McNab (Sage Brocklebank) for being in Santa Barbara is that he forgot a frisbee signed by German writer/director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck.

Shawn’s first reaction to Jules potentially being pregnant: “You know the windows in the loft don’t even fully close, right? I’m gonna have to replace them, otherwise this is Baby’s Day Out all over again.” As Gus reassures him, he always did get worked up over John Hughes’ worst idea.

At the old Psych offices, Shawn pulls out the jousting lance from “100 Clues”—as well as a pineapple! He looks about to ask, “Should we cut this up for the road?” (his question during the pineapple’s first appearance in the pilot, plus at the end of Psych: The Movie) but stops himself.

When Lassie believes that fellow patient Mr. Wilkerson (Kadeem Hardison) has been walking around, Shawn and Gus have to go “full Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” to interrogate the supposedly catatonic patient.

Shoutout to Jessie Spano’s infamous “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so scared!” speed speech from Saved by the Bell.

If it’s not Scrubs, the boys are getting compared to Ren and Stimpy.

Mary Lightly (Jimmi Simpson) returns in another incredible, extra-hallucinatory look into Shawn’s brain… this time as a baby, since Shawn’s got fatherhood on the brain.

“We got jackaled!” Gus shouts upon learning that Wilkerson can walk—a reference to “hitting the jackal switch,” or going into stealth mode.

Shawn has always had a thing for singer Jewel, even after the Civil War movie (1999’s Ride with the Devil) and the Bollywood song.

Of course there’s a nasty dance when Shawn and Gus figure out who they think is behind everything.

Gus declares that “I am not going to let you shoot Shules’ baby!” only for the Chief (Kirsten Nelson) to ask, “What’s a Shules?” That’s the fans’ name for Shawn/Jules, a cute nod to a series OTP.

And of course, we can’t forget the fact that Jazmyn Simon, who plays Selene, is Dulé Hill’s real-life wife.

More than once, Shawn quotes The Handmaid’s Tale in reference to Gus and Selene’s baby: “Praise be” and “Blessed is the fruit.”

Dolores compliments Lassiter’s “chest of hair plentiful enough to wake all of Destiny’s Child.”

Shawn comes up with possible names for Gus’ child: Shaft, Shaftie, or D’Shaft—just like Gus’ nickname Sh’Dynasty (with a “God’s comma,” or apostrophe) from “Santabarbaratown.”

They also both coo “c’mon son” to Selene’s womb.

Selene’s proposal to Gus includes his negotiation that he and Shawn have adjacent homes with connecting pools, a callback to Shawn and Gus talking about their dream setup in “The Break-Up”; as well as Pluto! She asks, “Will you make me the happiest woman on this planet, on Eres, and Pluto?”

Shawn tells Juliet that “you’re my person,” the iconic Grey’s Anatomy line (though one would argue that Gus more accurately is his person).

When Lassiter stands (shut up, you’re crying) to meet Marlowe (Kristy Swanson), they place their palms together—like they did when he would visit her in jail, like they did at their wedding. My heart.

Join us on the Easter egg hunt—let us know what references we missed!

The post Psych 2: Lassie Come Home Easter Egg and Reference Guide appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/2CDgzPr

[greennct]

you in chenle’s camera lens

part 2 for the ‘chenle in your camera lens’ fansite!au, as requested by a lovely anon!! you can find part 1 here!! i actually really enjoyed writing this, even though I didn't originally plan for this to have a part two I'm actually super happy with it yay! hope you enjoy 💞💖💘

(warning!! sm is portrayed as a super nice/chill company in this au which we all know is not the case lmao so just to let everyone know before y’all get triggered this is a work of fiction!! hee hee)

3.4k words, angst-y i guess ??? but mostly just fluff!!

song rec: stop thinking (about me) by alfie templeman

it had been about a week since chenle had given you his number and surprise surprise, you still hadn’t worked up the courage to text him

to be honest, you were way too pressured to try and find something extremely witty to text him for your opening line, so it was taking you ages to actually work up the guts to send him a message

it was only after seeing a not-so-cryptic tweet from the nct dream twitter account (ah~ waiting for a text is hard, czennies! 💚), that you felt comfortable enough to actually send anything, knowing that chenle was waiting for you to break the silence

deciding against trying to be overly funny or flirtatious, just in case you managed to embarrass yourself as usual, you instead decided to send a picture of chenle doing one of his famous meme faces. it was one you had never posted online before, and were sure he would recognise to be taken by you. you followed it with a short hi!

for all your week of deliberating over how to start the conversation, you received a reply pretty much instantaneously

it was a whole stream of compliments on your photography skills,,,, and on you in general,,,,,

highlights included: “this belongs on the cover of time magazine,” and, ��you put every other photographer throughout history to shame,” and even, “i’m making one of the ugliest faces known to humanity, but somehow you’ve made me look almost as cute as you do”

the banter between the two of you struck up easily, as you replied with a series of keyboard smashes, and soon enough, the two of you were pretty much texting constantly

each day, you woke up and went to sleep with a good morning and goodnight text from chenle. he was constantly asking how your day was, and sending memes at all hours of the night. it got to the point where you had to chide the boy to go to sleep, knowing he had to wake up at a ridiculous time the next day

chenle showed such a genuine and wholehearted interest in your life, always pressing you for the tiniest details about your day, simply because he wanted to know how you were

for example, the summer flew by, and you eventually started college, texting chenle all the while. to your utter delight, he turned out to be a godsend at helping to make sure that you could properly balance your education with your duties as a fansite

there were simple yet infinitely thoughtful things he did to try and help you organise everything, such as sending a quick message telling you it wasn’t worth skipping your afternoon lecture to attend a certain schedule, because they were already running a few hours, made your life so much easier, and made you appreciate him even more

and of course throughout this time, your crush on him grew and grew: how could it not?

however, you felt incredibly awkward with your emotions. you knew that chenle must reciprocate your feelings, at least to a certain extent, but you were extremely hesitant to confess

primarily, because of how awkward it would be to do so over text, but mostly because you were incredibly conscious of both yours and his reputation. after all, you had barely escaped been skinned alive the last time chenle had expressed a mild fondness towards your photos by certain fans

the sad but straightforward truth of the matter was, that a relationship with chenle was completely hopeless. nevertheless, that didn’t stop you from letting yourself indulge in daydreams where the two of you went on an endless stream cute coffee dates, uninterrupted by any of the drama that was your reality

and so, as autumn turned to winter, you found yourself stuck in a limbo, dutifully attending nct dream events as a fansite, vying for chenle’s attention like everyone else in the crowd, but then returning home to exchange flirty text messages with him all evening

and that’s how things stayed, for a while, until suddenly you received an incredibly unusual text from him

“this is a little last minute, but the photographer for our next comeback’s jacket photoshoot just cancelled on us, but we’ve got this whole warehouse rented out for tomorrow, so i recommended you to fill in!! can you make it? x”

you kind of blinked for a few seconds, just staring at the text, disbelieving of what chenle had just asked you do to 

you then came to your senses, and quickly sent back a gushing paragraph, full of typos, to confirm that yes, you would love to take photos for nct dream’s new album

chenle immediately sent back a few details of the concept, some photos of the set and even a demo of the title track, in order to give you an idea of what was expected from you 

you realised, with a small shiver down your spine, how much the boy must truly trust you, in order for him to expose so much about the comeback, knowing full well you could post it anywhere, but somehow confident that you weren’t going to

something about that small, get significant fact,,,, made your heart melt a little more for chenle

the next day you turn up at the address chenle gave you, pretty much scared shitless as you’re driven on a golf cart past countless grey warehouses until you reach the one labelled to be owned by sm

as soon as you walk in, you’re met with the title track blaring from every. corner, and a mixture of either sleepy of hyper boys wriggling around in makeup chairs

too shy to actually go up to the members before the formal shoot, you take a quick tour around the locations that you were about to be shooting in

you were incredibly nervous to get the photos right, as you were terrified of criticism from not only the company, but also all the nctzens you knew would scrutinise every photo for any indication of you somehow damaging the dreamies’ image

you heard your name being called behind you. spinning around, you were met with a beam so bright you felt it was ridiculous that chenle was so happy so early in the morning. you tried to keep up with the bright and amiable conversation he was attempting to initiate with you, however your nerves made sure you kept spacing out and glancing around nervously

however, you were suddenly shocked back into the present when chenle placed his hands on either side of your face, cupping your cheeks gently, and leaning his head down slightly to bring himself to eye level with you, lowering his voice

“you’re going to do great, you know. i didn’t recommend you just because you were cute, you’re insanely talented as well!” after the heart-stopping compliment, chenle immediately bounced off to go and touch up his makeup, whilst you were left, standing stock still with a goofy smile on your face, feeling as though every single one of your fears had suddenly been dissolved 

before you knew it the shoot had started, and you slowly became more and more comfortable with directing the dreamies, as you realised that you were completely in your element. shouting a mixture of cues, jokes, and sly digs at the boys, you made sure to have nct dream in stitches of laughter in order to create the bright concept that their unit was known for

solo shots with the boys had you glad that the camera lens hid how flushed you were at the close proximity and casual conversation with each of the members. you were still surprised that they recognised you, some even greeting you by name before striking up an easygoing banter as you snapped away

of course, chenle seemed even more ethereal than any of the other boys to you, however you had to keep asking him to be serious, as he stuck firmly to his habit of making silly faces at the camera lens, meaning that his shoot was much longer than any of the other members’

before you knew it, you had collected all of the shots that sm wanted. they were going to edit and master them privately, but thanked you for your hard work with a large amount of praise from the staff members, and a cheque that had your eyes watering slightly as you left

“we’ll keep an eye on you, from now on.” a production manager had informed you on your way out, “you’re on our call list.”

and, to your surprise,,,,,,, you actually were

you ended becoming nct dream’s official unofficial press photographer whenever sm’s other employees were unable to make it

instead of chasing behind company cars for 1 good photo out of 100 blurry ones, you found yourself being allowed to roam freely backstage, capturing the nct members however you wished, so long as you flashed your sm employee ID

though you always made sure you were careful to stay as quiet and respectful as possible, however it wasn’t long before people started to notice your name being credited on official photos, and you were quickly seen to be legendary within the fansite community

when sm didn’t need you, and you followed nct unofficially, your friends would always tease you by oohing and aahing when you turned up, creating a space for you right at the front, as they claimed you were ‘nct dream’s favourite fansite’

it was embarrassing, but honestly,,, not nearly as bad as you thought the backlash was going to be. people commended you for your success, rather than being jealous of it, and therefore you allowed yourself to not only get used to,,,,, but also start to enjoy spending time as a press photographer

that was,,,,,,,,,,,,,, until one fateful inkigayo pre-recording

you see, spending so much more time with nct dream obviously meant that you spent so much more time with chenle

and boy, if you thought you liked him before, you were sure you were pretty much in love with him by now

effortlessly sweet, buying you an endless stream of drinks and snacks and always somehow full of energy, and up for a chat, the two of you grew closer and closer

you found yourself slipping into your daydreams much more often, as it was much easier to do whilst staring into chenle’s eyes

what’s more, chenle never stopped being flirty. admittedly, at times he was awkward and embarrassed by his bold words, however never enough to stop from showering you in compliments, and offering you his jacket at any and every opportunity

that day, you had been called in to shoot some candids of the pre-recording, and dutifully showed up at 3 in the morning, yawning as you waved your press badge at the security guard before being waved through

the hour or so you spent taking shots went by quickly, as it usually did, and you returned to the empty green room to start to pack up your camera equipment

suddenly, you heard heavy footsteps bolting into the room behind you. you turned to greet whoever had entered, when you found yourself barely inches from chenle’s face

he was ecsatic, blurting out something about how happy he was that the recording had gone so well, shimmering slightly from sweat, sunlight pouring out of his eyes

and you tried to focus on what he was saying,, but you couldn’t help yourself,,,, you leaned in, and pressed a kiss to his lips

the kiss itself only lasted a few seconds, more of a chaste peck than anything else, and you drew away quickly, shocked at your own actions

chenle started to follow your lips with his own instinctively, eye half-closed as he leaned in for a second kiss, before you let out a shocked gasp, and he opened his eyes wide in response 

you had realised what you had done

not only was this probably the most unprofessional thing you had ever done, you were pretty sure that it was illegal, since you were certain he must have signed a contract that made him swear off dating

he started into your panicked eyes, confused as he saw tears well up in them

“i'm so sorry” you whispered, hardly daring to speak. you didn’t even let him finish the “why-” that started to escape from his mouth before grabbing your camera bag and basically sprinting out of the building

once confident that you were out of reach of chenle, you sunk against a back wall, head in your hands and heart racing as you realised what you had done

not only had you kissed chenle without asking if he wanted to, a detail you didn’t even think about at the time, but gnawed at your conscience now, you had completely violated the company’s unspoken trust that you would keep everything completely platonic between yourself and the members

your stomach sinking,,,, you realised this was probably the end of you working for sm

however chenle surprised you again by not speaking a word of your kiss to anyone at the company

though you never directly asked him, ignoring all of his increasingly frantic texts, you were called by sm multiple times in the upcoming months to fill in for various photographers

however, you could not bring yourself to face chenle after the incident, and turned each and every offer down

it took a few weeks for sm to realise that you suddenly weren’t photographing nct dream anymore, as you longer turned up as a fansite either, however they never asked you for an explanation as to why

eventually, the calls from sm,,,,, and the texts from chenle,,,, just stopped

after just over a month of this radio silence, you received a call from sm, asking you to photograph red velvet instead of nct during their final practice before their comeback

though you didn’t know the group very well, you admired red velvet, and had always liked listening to their songs. therefore, you convinced yourself that since it was very unlikely that you would actually have to bump into chenle since the appointment was scheduled so late, it would be okay to take the job

besides, you were a broke college student who needed that coin to live lmao

and so, the next week you snuck into the main company building at around 11:30, following signs to open the door the practice room you had been told you were needed in,,,, but upon entering you froze in shock. this was not what you had been prepared for at all

the room did not have any members of red velvet in it, instead, it was completely empty,,,,, apart from the one person you had been trying so hard to avoid these past few months

chenle stood in the centre of the room, immediately walking over to you when he saw your figure in the doorframe

the lights were slightly dimmed, and a lone scented candle was lit next to the stereo in what looked like an attempt to set a romantic mood, along with some kind of slow, 60s love song

in other words, you were in trouble

“chenle, i-” you started to protest, to apologise, to do something to at least to try and salvage the situation, and not let your heart get broken, however you were silenced by the boy stepping forwards slightly, and taking your hand

speechless, you simply let chenle gently tug you into his chest, snaking his left arm around your waist as he swayed you gently to the rhythm

,,,,,you were incredibly confused, to say the least 

after weeks of you determinedly and successfully avoiding chenle, here you were, lured into a room with the very person you were sure sm would want to keep you away from, and, without any kind of explantation,,,,, he had started to slow dance with you

eventually, chenle murmured “why did you run away?” and you stayed silent, wondering what you were going to say. you were in such a state of shock at such a dramatic turn of events that you weren't exactly sure what you were supposed to say

“you know we can't do this, chenle,,,” you trailed off, unsure of how to handle the situation

“why not? i really like you, and i'm pretty sure you like me to, what with the whole kiss n’ all, so what’s stopping you?”

“your company, chenle!” you protested, voice still small and scared, looking up at him with watery eyes “they won’t allow it!”

chenle stopped swaying and looked into your eyes with a face filled with disbelief “you’re an idiot.”

“excuse me?!” you frowned, bewildered by his sudden change in attitude

“the company don't give a monkey’s ass, so long as i'm working!”

“b-but,, your contract,,?” you questioned

“there’s never been anything about dating in there, that’s just a stupid rumour. i'm pretty sure half the staff members have been taking bets on how long it would take us to get together, since it’s so damn obvious how much i like you!”

you literally almost slapped yourself. from all of your hours and hours spent arguing with yourself about how wrong it was to like chenle, the sudden realisation that not only were your feelings completely accepted, but also reciprocated, was almost too much for you to handle

you found yourself giggling hysterically, leaning into chenle’s chest for support as you buried your face in his t-shirt 

“i'm so stupid!” you practically wheezed, finally looking back at chenle, the laughter dying in your throat as you caught him looking at you with such tenderness, and a fondness behind his eyes that you couldn’t quite describe

“can i kiss you?” he murmured, tilting your chin upwards with his fingertips

you closed the gap between the two of you instantly, feeling chenle smile through the kiss at your eagerness 

as you sighed slightly into his lips, something told you,,,, you were going to enjoy your photography gigs at sm a lot more from now on

and now,,, here you were, about a month after that eventful evening, clicking, with shaking hands, on the latest upload to the nct dream youtube channel

it was a short video, only about three minutes long, and depicted a compilation of clips set to music

you couldn’t help but gasp as your name popped up in the first few seconds, crediting you as the person who had filmed the entire video, and barely let your breath go as the video continued

the shots showed chenle going on a series of adventures all around seoul: walking along the han river, trying on increasingly goofy outfits in a thrift shop, mucking around in convenience stores,

then, chenle eating a plethora of different meals, feeding a bite of his food multiple times to the camera jokingly

chenle holding out a bunch of flowers to the lens, with a blush that matched the bright pink roses

chenle turning his phone around, face full of laughter, to show the camera a barely blurred out photo of renjun

and finally,,,, chenle taking the camera and turning it around, so that every single person watching the video could see, that the whole time that the video had been filmed,,,,,, he had been on dates with you

a tiny handwritten note popped up at the end “please support us!! i love them a lot, & i know my czennies will as well! get ready for lots more couple content soon hehehe :) love, chenle 💚💚”

you sighed contentedly, finally loosening your tight grip on chenle’s hand as you scrolled through the comment section

there was nothing but well-wishers, shipping accounts already started, fans boasting about their predictions of the fact you two were in relationship months before the video was released

“i knew they’d love you” chenle beamed, resting his head on your shoulder as he yawned sleepily - the two of you had curled up on your dorm room couch to wait for the video to be released

you didn’t say anything, softly running your fingers through his hair instead. you didn’t need to, you knew he understood how happy you were, purely from your contented silence

after all, you had a camera, an adorable boyfriend, and a small army of people incredibly invested in your relationship - what more could you need?

[toongrrl-blog]

The Mommy Myth: Threats from Without (Part One)

*TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABUSE*

This will be a doozy folks...

Razor blades in apples and cookies during Halloween. Day cares run by child molesters and Satanists! Flammable pajamas! Car seats not installed properly! Cavities from bottles! Child Porn! Kidnappers! Toys choking kids! Alar in apple juice! Peanuts stuck in windpipes! Stalkers! Rapists! Radiation from household appliances! Murderers! Gangs! Fetal Alcohol Syndrome! Car jacking! Tylenol causes liver damage! Milk Cartons with missing kids! If you fuck up just a little, your kid is screwed!

Welcome to the 1980s where childhood danger became the new obsession along with designer goods, buns of steel, big hair, cell phones, and greed being good. In many decades that traced the growth of mothers in the workplace (check the 1940s), there was moral panic about juvenile delinquents and latchkey kids going bad, there were 19.5 million working mothers by 1984, also 6/10 women with children under eighteen. Mothers of preschool children working had doubled since 1970 and it was 15% higher for African-American women because unemployment for black fathers was 10.2% compared with 5% for white fathers. And these women were not making the big bucks to afford clothes and lifestyles seen on Dynasty and Falcon Crest, where they’d mostly work in retail, clerical, service, or factory positions and daycare workers earned less than most clerks of liquor stores. 

In 1984, aside from the fictitious case of the disappearance of Barbara Holland and the re-appearance of the thought to be dead Will Byers the previous year, there were two media events that captured the public fascination with child endangerment: the McMartin daycare scandal and the premiere of The Cosby Show (it was a more naive time) which was a typical sitcom except it featured two parents who worked outside the home in white-collar professions and focused on an African-American family. It showed the contradictions of what 1980s moms lived with: you can’t trust your kids with just anyone or leave them alone, you can have a demanding job and the loving family made for tv, act as paranoid as an FBI agent, be the spontaneous mom, and be constantly aware.

These media panics also happened around the same time the Reagan Administration was a big thing; he was aided by the regressive STOP ERA and Religious Right which led to a huge anti-feminist backlash in policies and the media. Women’s magazines scared moms about what could go wrong with their kids and exploited the fears of the public. Around the same time the McMartin daycare scandal was a thing, the government refused to fund daycare centers for millions of kids and was a result of such coverage. The War Against Women had started and programs benefiting women and children were in it’s crosshairs as being “too expensive” and “trickle down economics” will help anyways. So while the Chrysler Corporation and the Savings and Loans industry were given financial life rafts, programs like WIC (Womens, Infants, and Children) were cut mortality rates for infants of color (which declined in the 1970s) started climbing again and family leave was virtually non-existent. Parents magazine published a later-debunked warning in 1982, that children in daycare will become hoodlums. Moms were also warned kids will pick up lice (also in Little League or in the classroom) from daycares. 

The roots of this sensationalization of childhood perils stared in the mid 1970s with it’s peak a decade later, where Ladies Home Journal dumped Bruno Bettelheim for Geraldine Carro’s “Mothering” column where she was a mom giving guidance to other moms where she acknowledged that “motherhood rates mixed reviews” and she promised to offer opinions rather than impose them as “For too long, we’ve been living by other people’s books” and featured short pieces with titles on how to pick a pediatrician or teach the kids to cook safely. What was meant to soothe and offer empowerment ended up striking terror with warnings about all the things that could kill kids and that summer camps were the sources of “close to 100 deaths and 250,000 accidents” in 1974 and moms were urged to investigate the camp’s accreditation, the camper-counselor ratio, the number of life preservers in boats, all the codes were met by state standards, the lifeguards had Red Cross training, and all the counselors were experienced. Imagine what happened when Friday the 13th and Sleepaway Camp came out...

If you tossed your baby in the air, you could risk whiplash and hemorrhage of blood vessels feeding into the brain. But kids can’t get new babysitter and crib on the same day or kid will freak and kids got poisoned a lot from eating plants and flowers. Also kid’s sleepwear had to be flame retardant but washed with warm water, high-phosphate laundry detergent, no soap or bleach, no fabric softener or they will be rendered non-retardant. Ages where kids need to learn swimming was disputed, even Santa was scary or teaches them to lie, buy simple toys, costumes needed to be flame retardant and have reflective tape strips on the costumes and bags, kids needed flashlights or can only trick or treat in the daylight hours, kids can’t wear masks anymore, and all treats need to be examined.  Then in 1977, Carro asked how parents can protect kids without making them fearful. Hrrrrmmmmmm......

There have been missing children before in the past, even in that sweet long ago when people hardly bothered to lock their front doors at night, one of the most notorious early cases that have been exploited by the media was the Etan Patz case where 6 year old Etan was kidnapped in downtown New York City on May 1979, before getting on his school bus, there was a huge effort to find him locally and in the media but the case has remained unsolved until 2010 when his killer was found and it was 9 years since he was declared dead. Perhaps the most influential case was that of Adam Walsh, son of John Walsh from America’s Most Wanted, who was kidnapped from the toy department at a Florida store and was made into a TV movie. In March 1984, the missing for a month ten year old Kevin Collins made the cover of Newsweek magazine. The media had exploited these tragic cases with wildly exaggerated figures soon circulated in the media, what was a small number of cases became sensationalized to make people think kids were being snatched every time they took a breath.

On March 28 1984 NBC’s Tom Brokaw reported “The fear is thick around Denver these days. A number of kidnappings have made everyone nervous--parents, children, and police.” Parents were driving their kids to school rather than let them wait on the bus stop and left the school after seeing their kid enter the building, such stories hardly explored what could be done as a society and community to protect children. No you were on your own.

Late March 1984, headlines talked about a daycare on Manhattan Beach, California, this daycare being McMartin Preschool where seven nursery teachers were arraigned on over 100 counts of child molestation. Virginia McMartin, age 76 and on a wheelchair, presided over the day care center where she and her family members allegedly drugged, fondled, and molested at least 125 children and killed cuddly animals in front of them. 90% of Los Angeles residents surveyed believed that Ray Buckey and his grandmother Virginia to be guilty. Children were interviewed by therapists where they were videotaped and used puppets. As it turned out, the children were badgered by therapists who used leading questions and threats to get the kids talking. From 1989 to 1990, California received at least 440, 000 reports of child abuse, 84% deemed to be unfounded, and 8,448 of the cases were defined as sexual abuse. Suddenly, as the media warned, you couldn’t trust very many people with your children. In other news, the founder of Children’s Theater Company in Minneapolis, John Clark Donahue was forced to resign after allegations of molesting three boys and Little Rascals Day Care in North Carolina became notorious when it was the owner and cook (owner’s conviction was overturned). There was news of fathers molesting their daughters. On May 21st, there was a Los Angeles teacher brought to court on charges of molestation at the elementary school and both ABC and CBS reported that a religious boarding school for boys in Walterboro, South Carolina had beaten and abused boys. Then in June, CBS and ABC reported on a fundamentalist commune in Island Pond, Vermont that was raided with 100 children taken from their homes because it was alleged their elders and parents abused them. The FBI got involved, saying groups of people abuse kids and circulate a book titled “How to Have Sex with Kids”. Obviously these stories had the subtext that no place was safe. In 1985, CBS announced that a church run day care had children suffering broken bones linked to violence (a total of eleven broken arms and legs) and Missouri exempted church run centers from licensing. 

Even “Rockwellian”, small-town, Christian (and White) American places were dens of abuse. Jordan, Minnesota featured 24 defendants (factory workers, housewives, and a grandma) who were part of a “sex ring” and charged with more than 400 counts of sexually abusing dozens of children including their own kids. As Michaels and Douglas noted, a central theme was the failure of government agencies to oversee day care centers and catch molestation in time but Reagan’s administration kept their fingers in their ears singing “La la la can’t hear you la la la”. Geraldo Rivera did a sensationalist show on Satanism that played on adult fears of their teens. And Priests were being outed as having molested altar boys and other young men, like a priest in Henry, Louisiana where he admitted sexually abusing at least 35 boys and was sentenced to 20 years hard labor. The media was talking childhood abuse more seriously with 22% of adults saying they were victims of sexual abuse as children who never told anyone or when they did, nothing was done to the abuser. 

Back to old Virginia McMartin, follow-up stories assuring people that child care centers weren’t dens of rampant abuse weren’t publicized for example. Raymond Buckey’s defense attorney found two doctors who said that one of the children told them that it was his own father who “poked” him in the anus and the boy’s mother Judy Johnson who circulated the charges against them was known to be mentally ill and had trouble distinguishing between what’s real and what’s not. She also accused a Los Angeles school board member of molesting her son and claimed kid was injured by an elephant and forced to drink baby’s blood. The children initially denied abuse, Kee MacFarlane the therapist had the kids name gas station attendants, community leaders, and store clerks as molesters and she came up with the name “naked movie star” for a game the teachers supposedly made the kids play. Jurors viewing the tapes of the interviews were appalled and it turned out Kee had an affair with Wayne Satz, television reporter for KABC who broke the McMartin story. After nearly 6 years and $15 million, Ray Buckey and his mother were found not guilty and there was a hung jury and still not found guilty. Sadly he was viewed as a loner who liked to go commando in shorts and a mama’s boy with more shorts than brains. Virginia died in 1995, Peggy McMartin Buckey died in 2000, and Ray Buckey who was incarcerated for five years during the trials later went to law school and changed his name and moved elsewhere to have a family. Meanwhile in Jordan, cases were falling apart with one couple getting aquitted and vowed to regain custody of their three sons. Only one person plead guilty: James Rud, who lied and implicated others. 

“It was all Momma’s fault!” I’m exaggerating but the public imagination linked day care centers with child sexual abuse, molesters targeted kids from “broken homes” (read single moms not like dysfunctional families with distant parents) and you couldn’t trust Mr. Wilson next door. The subtext clearly targeting working mothers or moms considering going into the workplace and leaving their kids in programs after school before picking them up. Of course Susan Faludi in her book Backlash, revealed that kids were twice as likely to be abused at home than in day care but media panics tend to focus on what’s juicy rather than facts. In her study of working moms in magazines, Kathryn Keller stated:

Each negative image of day care and the implication behind it that women should not be working but should be at home with their children was countered by a positive image.

Moms were surrounded by mixed messages that served them guilt and paranoia, it was nice that issues that were swept under the rug were given the attention they deserved, but it was used as an indictment of non-traditional family structures and women not feeling they have to sacrifice their autonomy at the service of their families or stay in terrible marriages for “the good of the children”. It’s best I leave this dreary part (before heading to sitcoms and humor and magazines) with Tamme Dawson from GLOW to empower all women and snap back at the powers that be.

[evilelitest2]

Do you know of any good resources on how and why Reagan won? He seemed to have a lot of resistance from the Republican old guard and all four of my grandparents absolutely despised him. But he somehow won with what sounded like was a very unpopular platform, and I don't understand exactly what happened.

I mean most electoral histories will have you covered, are you looking from a cultural perspective or an electoral perspective, or just a general overview of the 1980 election?  Personally I recommend the book “Backlash” on the larger reactionary movement of the 80s which is in no way relevant today...

But in short there are many reasons why Reagan won, many of them depressing familiar today

1) Ronald Reagan was an actor and was a really charismatic speaker, specifically he was very good at seeming friendly, approachable and non condescending.  It was extremely easy to understand Reagan’s message if you weren’t paying attention and he didn’t seem like some sort of elite who understood policies or knew where Cambodia was on a map, because he didn’t either.  With the possible exceptions of JFK, and OBama, Reagan is likely the most charismatic president in the last century and that makes a big difference in the election

2) Jimmy Carter was a bit of a mess.  I love Carter and I think he is one of the most moral people to ever be president (judging on a scale) but...his administration was extremely chaotic, inept, and really bad at messaging.  

3) Reagan cheated.  At his most famous debate with Carter, it turns out Reagan’s team had actaully managed to get Carter’s debate plans before hand, so Reagan knew exactly what Carter was going to say which is why Reagan seemed so invincible in the debate

4) The Economy.  Due to a wide variety of reasons including but not limited too the fallout of the Vietnam War, the OPEC oil crisis, the natural eb and flow of the market, and the failure of Kenysian economics meant that when the 1980 election was happening, America was in a pretty bad economic place.  Unemployment was high, inflation was spiraling and for many white people it was the first time they had ever experienced an economic downturn

This wasn’t really Carter’s fault, just like the economic boom in the 80s wasn’t really Reagan’s fault (though the initial crash certainly was) but that is how it was perceived.

5) The Failure of Kenysian Economics.  Now when I say “failure” i don’t actually mean “this is a bad system” Kenysan economics got us out of the Great Depression after all and lead to the largest economic boom in US history.  However they aren’t the end all, especially when politicians running things don’t really understand what they are doing.  So while they aren’t nearly as awful as the Free market economics that would follow, people were becoming disillusioned with the prior economic model

6) Vietnam.  Oh dear god Vietnam.  Reagan would be the first president who didn’t preside over Vietnam in any way, which meant he wasn’t tainted by the total fuck up that was that war.  America was still reeling from losing our first major war to a small nation that nobody had heard off before they started to kick our ass, and the battle over Vietnam has basically torn the country apart.  A huge amount of people felt pissed and humiliated over the defeat, and rather than question why we went to war or the morality of our tactics, blamed protesters and leftists for not supporting the war enough, a stabbed in the back myth if you will.  Also Vietnam was a Democrat fuck up, Republicans weren’t in power when it started under JFK and LBG, who collectively created the horrific circumstances of the war.  The republicans who oversaw it were the comparatively (to Reagan) more ‘moderates” of Nixon and Ford.  So American both felt humiliated and weak from looking a major war to a people we saw as inferior and was blaming everything associated with the left for it.  Reagan’s “Make America Great Again” message was extremely attractive to a lot of people, and since he didn’t have anything to do with the war, you couldn’t blame him for its failure.  

7) The Soviet Union.  The presence of the USSR hung over every US election since Woodrow Wilson, but after Vietnam a lot of Americans felt like the USSR was winning.  This was ironically utterly untrue as the Soviet Union would collapse only 11 years later, but the perception in America was that the US had been defeated by COMMUNISM and needed to get our groove back for round II.  And Reagan was by far the most aggressively confrontational anti Communist president we have had since FDR, so much so that he accidentally almost triggered a nuclear war and destroyed all of civilizations...whoops.  But that is what American wanted back then

8) The rise of the religious right.  For most of the 20th century, while religion was certainly a thing which effected politics, the US political landscape was largely secular, religion being evoked more than it made its own demands.  But due to rise of the Counter Culture movement, religious folks sort of went into panic mode and suddenly conservative fundamentalist Christianity was one the rise.  And Reagan embraced them 100%, leading to the fundementalist cancer that lives with us to this day

9) The death of the Counterculture.  At the exact same time as the Religious Right came into power, the group it was opposing had largely collapsed.  I mentioned this before when talking about the civil Rights movement, but once overt legal segregation had been outlawed, what was left were the far more serious, complicated and unclear problems, which lead to a lot of hippies burning out, falling into infighting, declaring victory and going home, or turning to more radical and largely ineffectual approaches.  And since so much of the counter culture was linked to to its fashion and aethetic, as the Hippie style/music/clothing/demeanor became lame and uncool, the causes behind them were seen as uncool as well.  Also the most dedicated leftists quickly turned to auto cannibalism and spent more time fighting each other rather than focusing on their enemy a dynamic which the left can always be counted on (cough what happened to Counterpoints cough) 

10) The larger cultural backlash.  America as a whole was feeling threaten by the left, and by extention the progressive made for women, racial minorities, and sexual minorities, and was pushing back against them.  The 60s and 70s was a moment of sudden shocking change which took the old guard by surprise and they didn’t know what to do, but once the left had burned themselves out a bit, the Right was able to reorganize, refocus their efforts, and remake their arguments to reassert the oppressive systems they so valued.  And for a lot of Americans who were passively bigoted, the incredibly fast pace of change got them scared and they sought comfort in the return of the familiar.  Again Reagan wasn’t just an actor, he was a cowboy actor from shitty kitch family films.  And as we’ve seen before in terms of Whitelash or Male Fragility, fear of losing privilege can get people to vote against their own interest (cough union workers cough)

11) America was facing a big choice.  After WWII, we were basically the only major nation with a good economy, which we were able to turn into a great economy, and had an over 20 year post war high.  But other nations started to compete with us (most notably Japan) and our status as the singular nation started to be threatened by the EU, India, China, Latin America, and our own changing history.  For the first time, Americans started to realize that maybe, not right away, but eventually, we would just be one nation among many again, rather than the only superpower.   Simultaneous, the threat of Climate change first started to be noticed, and Americans started to realize that maybe we should tone down the materialism, the consumerism, and the reliance on fossile fuels.  Carter infamously wore sweaters in the white house to save on gas and put solar panels on the roof, which was seen by many Americans (idiots) as weakness.  

Basically we had a choice, we could either 

A) Prepare our nation for the transformation period we were going for, and slowly start to move off oil as our economy changed and we had to make adjustments for it 

or

B) FUCK THAT.  THIS IS AMERICA AND WE DON”T COMPROMISE FOR ANYTHING.  YOU KNOW WHAT...LETS BE EVEN MORE RECKLESS

Americans were asked to choose between accepting an uncomfortable reality or embracing a comforting delusion.  

12) The Iran Hostage crisis.  This made Carter look weak internationally and everybody knows that America looking weak is worth destroying our own internal economy.  

13) The Democrats were in the middle of a civil war.  The Civil Rights movement and the Great Society had torn the democrats apart which means Carter was never really able to get his own party to obey him like the Republicans did.  WHats worse is that the aftereffect of the Vietnam War had basically crippled LBJ’s Great Society Program, meaning the Democrats were really chaotic

14) Finally, it is important to remember, the Democrats had held power from 1932 all the way to 1980s, the US was kind of a single party state for most of the century, and a lot of people were pretty sick of them.  Corruption, incompetence and hypocrisy are around in every party and the democratic congress in particular was widely hated, so the Republicans felt like this new exciting thing, something which could maybe bring a new era in America.  “Its morning in America”

And of course, Reagan was in many ways what white America wants, a giant self congratulatory message that lets us avoid dealing with real issues....

[starwarshyperdrive]

The Rise of Skywalker - adding my very important opinion to the internet.

Opinions are like **holes, everyone has one. Just that this isn’t true. People rarely substitute theirs with someoelse’s **hole. 

Looking back at some of my predictions I was wrong about some major plot points. I always said that the Bendemption and Reylo would make me walk out of the cinema. I thought it would be the two things that would ruin Star Wars for me and quite arrogantly assumed it’s ‘too stupid for Star Wars’. 

Now.. I stand corrected. To be honest, after the premiere I didn’t know what to think. Like everyone else I had this idea what the movie should be in my head. All the puzzle pieces I put together to a picture I liked. All the clues that lead my to my own personal conclusion. And like everyone else I saw the movie through this filter. 

I have to divert a bit to explain what I mean.

A Zen master was asked about Zen by a critical guest. Instead of answering he filled the guest’s teacup but did not stop pouring when the cup was full and the tea spilled out and ran over the table. 

"Stop! The cup is full!" said the guest.

"Exactly," said the Zen Master. "You are like this cup; you are full of ideas. You come and ask for teaching, but your cup is full; I can't put anything in. Before I can teach you, you'll have to empty your cup."

Letting go of our expectations is hard. Very hard. There is comfort in the familiar. There is stubbornness in wanting to be right. The unknown is scary and we want to be in control of our own narrative. So I watched the movie again and saw it for what it is. I’m gonna be honest. I am a ‘true believer’ and apologist. I will find goodness in every bit. If you want to find mistakes you will find them. Psychologically we mostly make up our minds whether or not we’ll like the movie before we see it subconsciously. Then we just look for proof we’re right. I didn’t really want to see Joker. I expected it to be a pretentious attempt to make a Scorsese 70ies movie while lacking substance. And that’s exactly what I’ve got. Knowing what to expect in the 2nd viewing I was able to appreciate it more. There is so much depth and love for Star Wars in it that’s not apparent if you walk out of the 1st screening snubbed about what you don’t understand. I sound like a broken record when I say Star Wars is not a Comic Book movie, not everything has to be explained or tie into everything perfectly. Just look at the Original Trilogy. Nothing is 100% clear. Obi Wan is twisting the truth and nothing aligns perfectly. Star Wars is like a Greek myth. WHY did Thetis dip Achilles in the river Styx? What was her motivation? How could she forget to dip his heel? That’s stupid. That’s RUINING Greek mythology.   

I liked the movie, very much. I’m not even sure if it might not be my favorite sequel. Before I go into my thoughts here is what I didn’t like.

I liked it, yes, but that doesn’t keep me from agreeing that it seemed like a mash-up of fan-service. And with fan service I mean the kind of parents who have no idea would give their kids. ‘You like your Nintendos, right? The man at the shop said this is as good.’ It somehow felt like a panicked corporate decision to undo the backlash after The Last Jedi (a movie I have seen 13 times in the cinema and now consider to be the weakest installment since Attack of the Clones), so they mistook the loudest voices on the internet to be the most representative for all fans. So they had to include Bendemption and Reylo because ..fanfiction.. ?! And people have long asked for ‘bring back Legends’ so throw in a bit of that. And then we need Han Solo and the Emperor to save this trilogy after we made the mistake of not overseeing what these film makers actually do and have an overall idea for the trilogy and Rian Johnson wrote the story into a corner. The Last Jedi felt more like the 3rd movie of a trilogy, so what are we gonna do? Rey has to be SOMEONE, right? How about the emperor is suddenly interested in his bloodline for some reason despite the Sith never having cared about that (what is her midi-chlorian count?). 

But I can live with all of that and I have my explanations for everything. Palpatines son who must’ve been born after his face got all f**ked up. So was he a clone? Some sort of attempt to create life like Anakin? An artificially created baby like the Nazis did to get a super soldier, just to be able to possess his body and when he ran off and fled he was more interested in his ‘granddaughter’ because her body was even younger? Did the force skip a generation like some diseases.  Not everything has to be answered, but it’s fun to think about these things. I find this to be more Star Wars than the thought he had a wife all the time, which is absolutely not in character. 

The one thing I didn’t like was the super cringy, cheap jump-scare with monster teeth during the Dark Rey scene. We have seen this too often. It’s not ‘worthy of Star Wars’. It didn’t even look good in IT or any other movie. 

And the kiss? Would I have cut it out if I’d have something to say. YES DEFINITELY. Do I think it’s romantic and actually hints to romantic feelings? HELL NO! In my opinion their bond is different. Calling it romantic undermines their connection and ridicules something that could be very deep. Kylo/Ben even says it, they are a Dyad. Whatever that means, it surely doesn’t mean something straight-out of Twilight. I see the kiss as relief, burst of emotion. Not unlike a kiss a mother would give a child that has been missing or rescued from peril. Affection yes, romance no (aka ‘no tongue’). The beauty of it is that it’s ambiguous. If you want them to be in love, then you can think that for yourself, probably wondering why she is not really grieving.

I said I’d hate Bendemption and many people have stated that Ben should’ve survived. No offense but this is completely missing the point. The way his redemption is portrayed is absolutely beautiful. The shame and regret in Ben that leads him to the realization what he needs to do is what makes his who he is. He says it himself. He can’t go back to his mother. She sacrificed herself for him. He killed his father. Everything is lost for him. He made so many mistakes. But he can do the right thing for once by saving Rey. And this is why he disappears. This is why he became one with the force. If it he’d have survived there wouldn’t have been a redemption. Ben Solo was ‘weak and foolish’ which led him to the dark side. Ben Solo is flawed, the good in him understood that to kill the looming darkness he has to sacrifice himself. Like the Terminator at the end of Judgement day. This is what made the scene so powerful and mirrored Vader. Ironically you could say he finally became like Vader in the last moments of his life.

As for the emperor being alive. Why not. If you’re that sort of badass and considering that Maul and Vader both survived major injuries with the aid of the dark side of the force it’s not that unlikely. And here is something some people seem to miss. He is desperately looking for a new vessel to transfer his spirit into because he is a corpse. He is a corpse on life support. As hinted at in the movie and as explained in the visual dictionary he is being kept ‘alive’ by a mixture of medical aids and Sith alchemy. One might argue that ‘we never heard about Sith cultists and all that’ but that’s not entirely true. Even outside of the books, comics and what not there are things you can easily retcon to fit the narrative. Just look at the emperors advisors in Return of the Jedi. At the time of The Force Awakens there have been theories that Snoke is nothing but a puppet. I have used the Wizard of Oz comparison before. When we got to see him ‘in the flesh’ in The Last Jedi we were nothing the wiser. So that somehow adds up.

Chewie got a medal now? Well that just serves to show what I always say: no one in the cinematic universe cares a great deal about books and comics. A lot of fans are always so eager to see stuff from canon in the movies and get upset when there are contradictions (also see S-foil from Lukes X-wing being used as door) but I think it’s best to consider whatever is not in the movies as ‘soft canon’ and take it with a grain of salt. This might change in the future now that Star Wars is free of the shackles of the Skywalker saga and it;’s very likely they learned from the lack of consistency, but it also opens it up to mediocracy and weird stuff like the world between worlds and space whales.

If you only watched the movie once there are many things that might have slipped by you. Which is a shame. I think some f the outspoken critics will change their minds about the movie over time. A lot of the emotional backbone of the movie was in these tiny moments, such as the scene in which Rey feels that she won’t see Leia again and has to say good bye. It is in the open whether or not Leia feels it too and just taunts her by saying ‘tell me when you're back’.

Let me just say that Rose is absolutely cool in this. I always maintained the position that the backlash against her character was mostly based on the weak costume design that made her more like like a cosplayer. Now that she looked the part she was fantastic. It’s not about quantity. Her screen time was impactful. The argument that JJ cut her screen time in favor of his buddies is ridiculous and uninformed. Everyone had their specific parts to serve the story. According to the visual dictionary Dominic Monaghans character was a former teacher and served as the ‘Sith’ expert to explain why the Resistance wasn’t collectively going ‘umm wut?’ when they heard about Palpatine being back and all that. Greg Grunberg was the link to the fleet and Rose was at the heart of operations. I can't understand how this isn’t obvious. 

And in conclusion let’s talk about the impossible task to end a 9 part saga, with the additional challenge of having lost Carrie Fisher. Can you even imagine being in that predicament? How did JJ Abrams say yes to this? Well knowing that he’d get shit from all sides. RESPECT! It is a miracle the movie turned out the way it did. I liked it and if we look at the numbers of things I didn’t like in the other movies despite liking them it might become my favorite or close 2nd of the sequel trilogy over time. Only this blade tells.

[ephemeralvalkyrie]

Dear diary,

Sometimes it gets lonely.

I'm 30-something years old and I don't really have a bestie to turn to when I'm all out of sorts. At this point it often feels like the best I can be is second fiddle to someone else's bff.

The people that I sorta grew up with, my friends from college...of course they're all different people now and they have lives of their own, so I don't expect much...but I do miss having my own group of close friends. These days it feels like I sometimes just latch on to existing relationships.

My best friend from high school...he's married now and probably planning on kids soon. He has a full and active life, I just can't bring myself to complain about these small emotional trifles I go through when they seem...less significant in comparison. I'm bad at talking about my feelings and even worse about writing them down. I can't keep a diary/journal to save my life.

At no point growing up did I ever feel like there was a safe enough space for me to write about the invasive thoughts that float around in my head, good or bad. Like many black people, I was encouraged to keep all that shit inside. Not to blame it on my upbringing...I was still fully capable of making my own decisions. It's just...at some point it became easier, or rather less hassle to not explore my feelings, especially in environments where it was common practice to turn that emotional energy into something more physical.

But, I'm...over that. I know how to push my emotions down; how to compartmentalize, I'm really quite good at it. This comes at the price of me not knowing how to deal with my feelings now, 3 decades into my life.

I feel like most people have dealt with this kind of thing already. As kids, as teens, as young adults, in places where they had emotional support in the form of family and localized friends.

Even though I only live 10 minutes away from some people I call friends now, I can't go over there "just because". But that's very much something I'd like to do.

Everything now is scheduled, gotta book time with people days and weeks and months in advance, and even then it's subject to random happenstance for that to be canceled.

It's tough for me to say it, but I really don't have what I would call close friends anymore. Not sure I really have since college, and that was well over a decade ago. I have my biological family, that I don't talk to as much, and an asian family that I'm like a cousin to. That part is fine...but I do miss just...hanging sometimes.

Especially now...i get plagued by the cycle of constant responsibility and not nearly enough chances to blow off steam. I don't have a council of peers to annoy or bounce ideas off.

I get lonely sometimes, not often, but sometimes.

During this process of taking HRT, I thought it best if I isolated myself from social media for a bit. I was so scared of the rejection and backlash in the beginning that I essentially fazed myself out of all communications; to this day I'm still not 100% on letting everyone know. Sometimes it even feels like the people that do know would've preferred if I had just stayed that way.

...that's probably untrue. I dunno if you've ever had prolonged anxiety, but it really does a number on your self-confidence.

This is all of course just a temporary set of feelings. I'm still very a-social. Not anti, just simply a-social. I'm not in the habit of seeking people out to be friends, to me being a friend is a much more intimate thing than the average understanding of the word.

Friends are hard to come by, my trust isn't given so easily.

This reminds me of an old nursery rhyme thingy that I heard as a kid:

"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, but the other's gold."

Silver is one of my favorite colors.

There's a great post that I either saved or reblogged that talks about how trans life includes this sorta constant struggle to fill in vast gaps of knowledge and experiences in a very brief period of time.

Like, I get girls asking me what my favorite summer scent is? And I'm like I didn't know I had to have a seasonal rotation?? Then they're like but you're a girl now, you should know these things!

Which leaves me like uUhhh??? Okay?

And it's not on purpose or anything but it's low-key kinda insulting, like a back-handed compliment.

I can't figure out if I'm being shaded or not, but it definitely feels passive aggressive.

For the record, I love lavender scented things and I really don't give a fuck what time of year it is.

...but I have been spending way more time in Bath and Body works.

I also don't know shit about fashion trends or what's in season. I wear what makes me feel classy, comfortable and cute.

I guess, at the end of the day, it's just hard for me to admit that this shit is difficult sometimes. I don't wanna say "being a girl is hard" because that's inaccurate. The only thing I can be is myself, whatever that is.