#he was made to fit the role of a parent in elementary school & was emotionally abused by his living parent

[lycorogue]

For your ask game... 7, 13,15 and 16!

Livrever! You're just as bad as @cyhyr! You should also be well aware of my wordiness! Welp. Looks like I'm dusting off that good old Long Post hashtag again today. 😂

[Fanfic Writer Ask Game Questions]

7. What story/headcanons do you feel the proudest of?

By far the headcanon (which became a story) that I'm proudest of is the origin story of the lucky charm bracelet Marinette gave Adrien in "Gamer."

She already had it on-hand, and she didn't seem to have made it specifically to gift to Adrien. She even said he could "borrow" it, but never got it back. I think the charm bracelet was a spur of the moment decision to try to cheer him up and build up his confidence. When I was a kid, my mom gifted me various inspirational cards and worry stones to help me through finals and remind me that I could achieve anything I put my mind to. It felt fitting that Marinette's parents would do something similar, and THAT is where the bracelet originally came from.

If you want to read the full headcanon-inspired story, you can find it here: Build Your Own Luck

I love this headcanon so much I'm making sure to work it into my "I promise, I'm still working on it" WIP One and the Same.

Honorable Mention for favorite headcanon would be the headcanons I came up with for my Plagg-centric/Plagg-Appreciation story Forever in Darkness. In particular, my headcanon that Plagg was Aladdin's "lesser genie of the ring" from the 1001 Arabian Nights tale. I basically had that headcanon since I first saw Origins and Plagg mentioned meeting a genie before.

(Also, ya know, I still consider my first completed multi-chapter story Peeping Tomcat my magnum opus... so... yeah... proud of that one too)

13. When did you start writing fanfic?

I've been dabbling in fanfic pretty much ever since I understood what fandom was. When I was in elementary school I would create a whole series of X-Men OCs (only to discover a decade or so later that nearly every OC I thought of is already a canon X-Men character, they just never made the cut for the 90s cartoon).

In middle school and early high school (so roughly ages 12 through 15), I created a self-insert Batman OC (and love interest for Dick Grayson's Robin). She was Selena Kyle's niece that moved in with her. She struggled between excitedly being her Aunt Selena's apprentice as a cat burglar, and using those skills to be a hero with Batman and Robin. I can't recall the character's name anymore, but she went by the alias Black Panther (because that was my school's mascot and I'm a nerd like that).

About the age of 16 or 17 I joined my first play-by-post role-play game where I played Harley Quinn. It didn't last long before the game master went to college and the whole thing fell apart.

Then there was a fanfic dry spell. I did work on original works almost constantly from the age of 10 straight through to college. Then I had a college professor that more-or-less broke my creative writing spirit, sadly. I still wrote for video production classes and scriptwriting classes, but I didn't write anything recreationally for over 5 years.

Then, in 2009 I got back into the "Hey, Arnold!" fandom. August 2010 I wrote my first fanfic for the fandom. It would be the first fanfic I would ever publish online. I've been working on fanfics again ever since. 😁 (if you don't want to read the story on FFN, you can find the import over to AO3 here)

15. What is the fanfic you’ve written that you’re most proud of?

As I said before, I still think of Peeping Tomcat as my magnum opus. It is the longest story I've written. It is the first multi-chapter story I was able to actually complete. There are a lot of moments in that story that I just love to reread myself. It's the first story I've written that I felt compelled to write a sequel to (sadly, said sequel, One and the Same, has been stubborn the past 4 years and won't properly form, so that's still a WIP). It's the only ML fanfic I've published that has inspired fanart (but it's not my first fanfic ever to inspire art. That honor goes to my sadly abandoned HA! fanfic What is Truly Meant to Be). Plus, I got to emotionally torture poor Adrien, but also give him a happy ending.

Runner Up, I think, would have to be Prescription for Love, which is my interpretation of what Adrien did off-screen during the season 3 episode "Backwarder." A lot of my reviews have stated how much people loved Kagami in that story despite not particularly enjoying her canon characterization at that point in the series. Plus, Adrien is an oblivious little mush.

Honorable Mentions to the aforementioned Build Your Own Luck as well as my first Christmas-themed story Woven Heartstrings. I am still amazed at how perfect the gifts are for all of the characters, and I was the one who thought of them!!!! Plus, I've had a surprisingly large number of kudos/comments on that story outside of the holiday season, so it must really resonate with people even outside of December. Final Honorable Mention goes to the aforementioned Plagg-Appreciation story Forever in Darkness.

16. What fanfic tropes do you avoid writing for?

Goodness. I actually don't write for tropes. Not really. I aim more for "how close to a legit episode can I make this story?" or just general "This plot bunny showed up and I guess I'm nurturing it now???"

I don't know if I even KNOW all of the basic fanfic tropes....

If I used the This or That (Fanfic Edition) game as a guide, I think the tropes off of that list I'd avoid would be:

Flower Shop AU - I don't know much about flowers for that to be worth trying

Historical AU - I am TRASH at historical anything... although I'm a HUGE steampunkest... go figure

Major AU reworks in general - I am perfectly content snuggled into the canon. I like this show for a reason. And I like fanfic because the world building has already been done for me.

Crack??? - I don't have anything against crack. I quite enjoy it. I just... I'm not creative enough to come up with something so bonkers????

Whump - Not intentionally, at least. I almost never go into a story with the goal to torture the characters. That just... kinda... sorta... happens??? Sometimes???

Enemies to Lovers - I ADORE this trope, but I don't know if I could ever manage to write Adrien/Chat Noir as Marinette's/Ladybug's enemy nearly as masterfully as the other works already out there. Especially when some of my "competition" includes Discordant Sonata by @edendaphne and Curiosity and Satisfaction by @imthepunchlord.

Whew! This was even longer than the 4-question ask from Cyhyr! You ladies sure do know how to get me to talk. 😁

Thanks so much for the ask! Anyone else interested in getting to know more about me and my writing style? Feel free to drop me those asks. 😁

[violetosprey]

Wanted to hear you go on about child yandere. more types of love than romantic. the your my friend or your going to take care of me and me you is scary in a different way. smart kids can more easily manipulate the victim and others emotionally.

Child yanderes huh? Admittedly, that’s a topic I never really think about a lot.  The wording here was a little strange, but I’m taking this as pretty much a “free rein” question.

Quick thoughts here before the read more section:

Can a child be a yandere? – Absolutely

My feelings towards child yanderes (where the cast is roughly the same age) – Same as a normal yandere

My feelings towards child yanderes (where the yandere’s S/O is much older) – Frustrating to okay

To be perfectly upfront here, I don’t focus on child yanderes a lot with the media I consume. That doesn’t mean I don’t come across any.  In fact, in may just be a case where I’m not even considering “this is a child yandere” when technically yes they are.  I guess it depends on what age range you think of when you hear the word “child” to begin with.  For me, that makes me think elementary school and maybe even middle school.  High school I would rather say “kids” if that’s a step up in anyway?

If you consider anyone who is a minor (under the age of 18) a child, then yeah there’s a lot of child yanderes I’ve seen.  Lots of media I’ve read or watched focus on a cast of characters in high school for instance, or sometime middle school age.  I don’t think I’ve read or watched something with a yandere where the cast is strictly elementary school age.  Would I even really enjoy that?  To be honest, elementary school (and sometimes even middle school) romances for me might sound cute, but I hardly take them seriously.  There’s a lot of yanderes who met their S/O in elementary school in the story I’m sure, but that’s usually a past element and the story is focusing on the characters when they’re older.

For the sake of this post, I’ll just assume anyone who is under the age of 18 may count as a child yandere.

Can a child be a yandere?  Of course they can.  They just have to have intense feelings of love that are overwhelming towards another individual, often leading to obsessive and/or possessive behavior.

If you’re the type that believes in “platonic yanderes,” the most common obsessions here would be like the best friend kind (like you stated anon), sibling or parental figure.  In cases like these, I know for a fact I’ve seen some stories where the character is just severely deprived of safe and affectionate love in general.  Their relationships at home either aren’t stellar, or the character doesn’t have anyone period.  They child may have faced abuse or neglect, or they may simply be an orphan.  There’s no desire for sexual or romantic connection here.  The character rather just wants companionship and sometimes a caretaker.  Depending on the backstory given, you can feel kind of sad for these characters since they just don’t want to be alone.  They may also have a tendency to latch onto someone who fits an “ideal” of theirs.  Like the other person seems like the best role model for a friend/sibling/parental figure they always wanted.

If you’re like me though and are more focused on straight up “romantic yanderes,” yes a child can still develop these intense feelings.  In fact, it’s very common for a person in their younger years to grow easily infatuated with someone else, obsess over having a relationship and fumble with healthy dating behavior.  Pretty understandable because when you’re young, you’re just figuring things out. Lots of people have getting married as a main goal in life, so figuring out relationships early on is a benefit sometimes.  You’ve got other things affecting your goal like your social environment and puberty (you know what I mean).  I just stated the obvious here but oh well.  So yeah, a child yandere could fall in love with someone around their age, but they could also develop feelings for someone older.  Usually with the latter, it’s just innocent crushes that blossom from getting attention from someone they view as much more mature than their peers. Plenty of people will probably say, “I had the biggest crush on my third grade teacher” for instance or something like that.  They’re mostly harmless and will fade away in normal cases.  By the way, just because a kid CAN develop a crush on an older individual, that is NOT permission to pursue a relationship with them -_-.  Sorry for that interruption, but I don’t want people to misinterpret what I’m saying here.

Now if the child yandere in question is part of a cast that’s around the same age as them, including their S/O…I just kind of treat them like any other yandere.  No special feelings really towards the character more of less because the setting allows me to just focus on the relationships and not really the ages.  Especially with anime and manga where like, character appearances will hardly match their age sometimes, so I halfway give up even worrying about how old these characters are to begin with.

Currently the most recent child yandere I could think of observing was Norman in the Promised Neverland parody manga, The Parodied Jokerland.  He’s very enjoyable in that and incredibly yandere.  He’s the cute kind of creepy obsessive, if that makes any sense.  In that scenario, his S/O Emma is the same age as him, and the majority of the cast are also kids.

If you have a child yandere who’s focused on an OLDER S/O though…that’s kind of difficult to ignore.

I had this very funny and sad realization:  Most of the media I’ve viewed where a child yandere is in love with an older S/O is via Lifetime movies.

Yeah…

So that gives me a more narrow view here of child yanderes if their S/O is older than them 0.o. Lifetime is basically my junk food.  It’s bad for me, but I’ll watch it occasionally when I have cable access.  Not stellar entertainment, but my god they love to run the obsessive love trope over and over again.  Believe it or not, I know I’ve seen a few variations of cases where they have a younger character desperately trying to get together with an older character. They probably have all combinations, but for some reason the one that pops into my head first is, “teenage girl wants to marry this older man who’s already married/in a relationship.”

The way most of these plots play out is something like:

1)      Kid tries to find a way to get access to S/O (ex. Class, lessons, be a friend of S/O’s kid)

2)      Kid tries to get the S/O to support them with a sad backstory and/or tries to be the “perfect helper” for the S/O

3)      Kid tries to bump off the S/O’s partner at some point (may or may not succeed)

4)      Someone dies (because it’s Lifetime and someone you honestly don’t care about has to get killed at some point just to up the ante- I have literally only ever cared about 1 person that died when watching Lifetime and I don’t think it was even an official Lifetime movie)

5)      Kid confesses their love for their S/O and claims they’re the best match for them

6)      S/O (unsurprisingly) shuts them down with a “No”

7)      Kid snaps and depending on how much time is left in the movie, usually a fight culminates between individuals or there’s a kidnapping or blackmailing (you get the idea)

8)      Ends with kid either getting killed or arrested (Wait do they kill the child yanderes in these movies?  I haven’t watched them all so maybe they live, I’m not sure).

So yeah that’s what this ask made me think of first, haha.  Obviously with Lifetime, pretty much all their yanderes (as low-brow as some of them are) are the antagonistic/villain kind with Yandere vs. S/O stories.  It’s no different if the yandere in the film is a child.  It’s a guaranteed that the child yandere is going to lose in these films. But quite frankly…I know a lot of people actually want the S/O to reciprocate and work with the yandere, but I think we can all agree that this particular scenario should be fine staying Yandere vs. S/O.  Because if it wasn’t, that means you’d be making…an OLDER S/O…attempt a relationship…with a minor….yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhh I don’t recommend going that route for obvious reasons.

Now are child yanderes ever really a threat? Actually yes, they can be quite dangerous.  Sure, they’re not like a high political figure or CEO like in the stories I like to read that can use their power and wealth to push the S/O into a corner or anything.  But child yanderes can become surprisingly selfish and underhanded with their tactics. One thing I notice is that they’re incredibly observant, so they know where to find items they need to use (like weapons or drugs) for a wicked task or they know what kind of people to talk to and manipulate for their own needs. While child yanderes lack a higher social and economic standing, they have their “innocence” that can often help avoid detection from the authorities when trouble arises.  The most dangerous weapon I’d say a child yandere has at their disposable would be the ability to slander someone without repercussions. Especially if they’re claiming someone else was violent with them or sexually abused them.  Why?  Because let’s be honest, lots of people would be deathly afraid of doubting a child making such accusations.  And in turn, their feelings would rise quickly and they’d turn against the accused.

Another fun Lifetime fact: Depending on the film, they always purposefully make it frustrating for the viewer when it comes to false accusations vs. real accusations.  If it’s a film where they have an actual victim speak out against their perpetrator, the circumstances will usually be set up so that most of the film cast won’t believe the victim.  On the other side, if it’s a character making a false accusation against another character, most of the film cast will side with the liar over the accused.  Because I guess Lifetime just likes to say that life is infuriating like that 0.o

Getting back on topic though, so why did I say that child yanderes can range from “frustrating to okay” for me?  Well, like I said earlier, I don’t really take a lot of young romance that seriously. Kids can also be very volatile and irrational, so you know in ADDITION to this character being a yandere, it’s going to be nearly impossible to try to talk some sense into the character that they cannot be with the S/O they desire.  It’s a doomed relationship, so I find myself either rolling my eyes at or pitying the yandere in this case.  The child yandere could be “okay” though if, well…I like their yandere actions honestly. I AM still a sucker for yanderes in general, so I’m not gonna mind if I get a nice fix of crazy in there.

This probably isn’t a stellar answer, but like I said this isn’t really a topic I think about a lot. Hope it was interesting?

[winterune]

Well, that’s one more anime ticked off my 2019 watch list. I still have...I don’t know how many I have left ^^; Maybe I’ll finish those spring leftovers first haha, then maybe I’ll finally watch the part 2 of Shingeki no Kyojin Season 3 (for which I would need to rewatch part 1) and Vinland Saga. Well, anyway, let’s get into it.

Hoshiai no Sora - Thoughts and Musings

This anime was...one hell of a ride. Okay, maybe not as much as Beastars was (though, Beastars wasn’t really emotional per se, but rather an anime that tackles really heavy topics), but the emotional roller coaster throughout its 12 episodes was really something to reckon with. Honestly, I wish this was a two-cour anime instead of a one-cour, because the 12-episode run doesn’t give it enough time to really flesh out all their characters and give everyone a satisfying ending. 

I mean

As long as he’s alive, we will never be free. I’m ending this.

What kind of ending is that??? *flips table* (beware of spoilers)

In its heart, this is a story about trying to find your place in a world that is trying to box you in. It’s not just your average sports anime about a weak sports club trying to gain its reputation back. It’s more than that. We have this cast of seemingly stereotypical characters, but right from the very first episode, we’re immediately given a tease of a dysfunctional family in our two main leads: Maki with his single mother as a parent and his abusive father still terrorizing them from time to time for money, and Touma who doesn’t have a good relationship with his mother for unknown reasons. And it turns out, the rest of the team member has their own issues to deal with. 

Rintaro, being a child born out of teen pregnancy and was then put up for adoption. Though he has loving parents, it still doesn’t erase the confusion and incompetence he had felt because of it. (I kind of have issues with how his parents told him he was adopted when he was still only 10? 11? I think that’s a bit too young for him to know he was adopted. I mean, an elementary school kid is suddenly being told that the parents he has always known has never been his real parents. It would get him thinking: why was he adopted? Why didn’t his mother take him? Was he unwanted? Was he a mistake? Huh, I guess that’s why I can’t do anything right. I’m a failure. I was a mistake. I shouldn’t have been born.)

Itsuki’s mother, in, probably, a bout of depression, poured hot water all over his body when he was only 1 year old.

Shingo, who doesn’t seem to have any problems, lives with a step-mother who is only protective over her daughter while dismissive over him. He doesn’t seem to be overly bothered by it. In fact, he adores his little sister. He’s probably learned to deal with his step-mother’s behavior. 

Taiyo’s parents are quite overprotective and overbearing, but at least I don’t think they’re doing any real, permanent damage to him. 

Tsubasa, though has wonderful relationship with his brothers, has a father with high expectations and will not settle for less, who won’t try to understand why he dropped soccer and took up soft tennis. Who won’t get off his case, saying that it’s stupid, that it doesn’t do him any good, that you’re better off studying instead of joining such a stupid club. And he actually slaps him, right across the face, causing Tsubasa to fall off the stairs and break his wrist, one month before his big game. And yes he looked shocked at what he had done, but he didn’t do anything; he just stood there, he didn’t even chase after him, as if he was justifying his actions to himself. Like, dammit! Don’t you know what you’re doing to your kid? You’re already hurting him emotionally and you slapped him?! I will say that Tsubasa’s story hurts me the most, because this kid, this happy-go-lucky kid who always smiles and laughs when he’s with his friends, cries as he runs out of the house. And can I just say that Toshii’s voice acting was just...spot on? To the point that I think I cried harder because of Toshii’s voice breaking when Shingo found him outside the house, when the doctor at the hospital asked him if he wasn’t pushed off the stairs, when they were talking in that park and Tsubasa hates how his father kept bragging about his time with his soccer team and never listens to a word he says, never sees him for who he is, because he’s not his brothers and he wanted so badly to play in their game. 

But then we have Nao, with that kind of negative overprotective, overbearing, emotionally abusive mother and an indifferent father. It hurts. Hearing his mother talk hurts. Imagining myself in Nao’s shoes hurts. There are the kinds like Maki’s father, who knows they’re a jerk by abusing their own kid. Then there are the kinds like Nao’s mother, who, as Maki said, doesn’t even realize they’re abusing their children, justifying their actions by saying it’s for their kids. She’s blind to Nao’s feelings. All she cares about is what she wants. It doesn’t matter what Nao wants, because I’m her mother and I know what’s best for my son. What she doesn’t know, however, is the permanent damage it’s doing to Nao. Sure at the “conclusion” to Nao’s arc, Nao seems to have find the strength and will in him to shut out his mother’s words, but we also see something different. Nao’s mother is only going to let him off the hook this time. Which means she will probably be worse than she had ever been once Nao comes home from the match. 

And finally, one of the most important of all: Yuuta’s arc, where he questions about himself, his gender, the role that is expected of him, and how he feels as if he doesn’t quite fit in with the boxes already laid down by the world. Also his desire to find an answer but also the fear of coming to terms with it, not wanting to disappoint his parents but all the while wanting to find a place he feels like he belongs in. Very realistic. Very relatable. I’m not entirely sure how it is seen in Japan, but in my country, due to strong religious beliefs and traditional values, people with “questionable” gender identities are seen as a sin, a violation, improper behavior - some might even call them a shame to the family. So, I really appreciate the director and his team writing quite a realistic portrayal of the lgbt+. I don’t hold anything against his mother, however, as I understand her feelings exactly, even as I would like Yuuta to have the freedom to learn and discover who he is and what he wants to be. 

Even Mitsue, whose family wasn’t shown much, says that her parents don’t approve of her drawing. But that’s what she wants to do. That’s what she wants to be good at. She’s not good at studying. She doesn’t have passion for it. She likes to draw, but even people on the internet says her drawing isn’t good (when in fact it’s quite good). She’s not good with people and her classmates make fun of her. She’s haunted by an inferiority complex, social anxiety, frustration that she doesn’t fit in this world. 

This entire show is like a How Not To Be A Parent 101. I do think some are stretching it a bit too far, but I understand what the director’s trying to say. A parental figure is important in a child’s life. Even if you have a crappy life, even if you’re bent on pushing your dreams and expectations to your children, even if your spouse doesn’t appreciate you any longer, that’s no reason or justification to “push the blame on your child”, to abuse them, both emotionally and/or physically. 

When you don’t have a good parental figure, a good family environment, it will scar your children for life, and these children will start looking for a place they can belong to outside of their families. Whereas Nao’s mother said that the soft tennis club is a bad influence for Nao, I’d say it’s a good thing Nao found his place inside it. With a mother like that, and a father who doesn’t care much about what happens to him, Nao could have done a lot worse. And yet there’s this sports club made up of misfit children, who are hiding all their pain behind their smile and laughter, because this club is the only place where they can be themselves. Where they don’t have to worry about overbearing/indifferent/abusive parents. In this club of misfits, everyone has everyone else’s backs. When one’s down on the low, someone else will try to lift them up. 

This club is their refuge, but in a way, I also think this is their sort of escapism. Because once they’re back in their homes, their lives return to being pressured and trapped under the expectations of their parents. Why I think it is an escape is because, neither of them really grow from it, aside from, I guess, Shingo, Rintaro, Itsuki, and Taiyo. They have either learned to live with their families or showed positive development. Nao’s mother is still a problem, Yuuta’s journey of self-discovery is still long and winding, while Tsubasa still has yet to make amends with his father. Not to mention we have Touma, whose mother just basically told him over the phone that she despises him and is getting a divorce, and Maki, who’s bent on killing his father. 

This is not a story of self-healing. This is a slice-of-life story that is trying to tell how bad parenting affects children, especially children in those early adolescence years, when they’re just beginning to learn who they are and what they want to be. It’s not a story of how these children can overcome it. The club acts as their refuge, but not a place of healing. And if their psychosocial development took on a negative turn (see Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development), especially like Maki’s case, well you can imagine what will happen next if he’s not given the proper treatment. 

As a final note, I would like to say the sports aspect is a bit weak. The soft tennis matches were too easy, too straightforward, as if the staff didn’t really care what happened in the matches. Well, the main story isn’t in the matches, so there’s that. Also, I would like to say that how they dealt with Maki’s father in episode 5 was also weak. I mean, what’s with Touma yelling at him? To me, it was a bit out of character for Maki to let Touma meet his father (I’d thought he was the type to say, no, that’s all right, I’ll deal with him myself, though I think Touma would have forced himself inside Maki’s house nonetheless). And that spontaneous outbursts about killing him? It was very cringe-worthy when I saw it, but now that I think about it, though it was probably Toma’s heat-of-the-moment outburst then, Maki certainly took it seriously with how he was holding that knife in the end. 

[thirteenthspirit]

I would, my friend, Fernando (Part I)

Where to start… You know how they say you instantly know it when you meet ‘the one’ – you know, that person you think you’re meant to spend the rest of your days with, grow old together, the whole shebang. Well, I think it happened to me. Emphasis on the ‘think’ bit.

I met him as a random grindr hookup – sure, not the prettiest beginning to a story, but I’m sure I’ll weave a prettier lie at our wedding. It was nice and all, but we barely bothered to learn each other’s names.

A few months later, I was about to do a Raid in Pokémon GO with the usual team when he showed up, joining the party. I didn’t instantly recognize him, but as we kept raiding the following days and he kept appearing, I realized it was him. The random hipster hookup from a couple of months ago.

When I say hipster, what I really mean is… I have no idea. Somewhere between fashionable and trashy, cool and geeky, ‘lumberjack chic’ – but, as he himself would put it, sometime later, “skinny legend fashion icon”. Just rolls off the tongue, am I right. So you have a clearer picture, he is very tall, appears to be in his early 30s and is overtly fond of beanies and skinny jeans – oh, and of course, the moustache. Not the gross overgrown kind nor the plain ‘single line’ one, but a perfect blend of both, just looks good and different on him. The kind of person that draws everyone’s gaze in, when they enter the room.

He eventually joined our local whatsapp group for Pokémon GO raids and we began to see each other more often. It was a fun game of “we have met before but we don’t really acknowledge it”, between me and him. He sent me a friend request on Instagram, and we began to chat one-on-one from there.

The conversation began developing after I learned that he needed a Spinda, of which I had 2, so I offered him one. He lived literally across the street from me, so we could trade from our respective couches. I think that same day, since we lived so close together, we arranged to go for a walk after dinner, to catch Pokémon. The never-ending “shiny hunt”.

And again the following day.

And the next. And the next one after that too.

The conversation deepened. Since we met in that fashion, there were no boundaries regarding our hookups and sexuality. It didn’t take long for us to become very good friends and talk on a constant basis. Plus we had a lot of interests in common – we were both somewhat emotionally-distant people and with a peculiar sense of humor.

For us to connect so easily, it was definitely a weird thing - my area of expertise is Finance (I currently work at a bank) and my professional experience has always been at several desk jobs. Some better, some worse, but ‘inconsistently consistent’ (the reverse of Grace Helbig). A corporate man, I guess, leaning more towards the realistic side of life, rather than pandering to the dreamer and ambitious one. He is on the opposite end of the spectrum. He is an elementary school teacher and an editor for a magazine and has even written (and successfully published) his own book. A writer in every sense of the word.

Personality-wise, I am what you would call an introvert by nature – not exactly shy, but definitely the proud owner of a handful of unresolved childhood issues caused by enthusiastic bullies and shame. I wear glasses, which help in conveying the whole ‘geek’ category and am of an average build and somewhat tall. I’ve still got my share of face imperfections and pimples at the age of 25 and look younger than my actual age – something we both have in common. Our personalities just clicked though, his extremely offensive sense of humor contrasts well to my fake well-behaved and nice demeanor and we’ve bot got similar personal values and empathy when dealing with others. A couple of nice chaps, is what the ordinary passerby would think.

We became best friends. He confided in me about his past relationships, the good the bad and the (very) ugly and I vented to him about my insecurities and depressive thoughts. We saw each other roughly every day, during our usual “old ladies” walk through a nearby park, always worshipping that battery-draining app. On the weekends, we unknowingly formed the habit of getting breakfast together and basking in the sun for a bit. I was going through a tough time at the time, what with my mother not being in her best shape or form, mentally speaking, leading me to come out to my parents amidst an argument (NOT the best way to do it) – this situation worsened after we had a little house-fire scare. So his presence really helped and comforted me.

Time passed. Mall trips, community days, ex raids, regular dinners and breakfasts and breakfast-lunches. He was pretty much the person I saw the most. And quickly became my favorite.

I was always keenly aware of how close we were getting, and how it might be affecting me and my ability to connect with other friends, but I never gave much thought to the situation escalating. He was 38 years old, and I was 25. The thought alone made me never overthink the relationship.

Until I did. Until the “what if” statement popped into my mind. And the age gap just… lost its entire relevance. I tried to push the feelings down, but as all feelings do, it just made them get bigger and more intense. You see, my past relationships have been failed ones, because I wasn’t emotionally involved in them – I was like meh. So I didn’t really know what it was like to actually like someone. But I was smart enough to recognize it – this was probably my first real interaction with “infatuation” and dare I say it, love.

Here’s the part of the story where the sky is bright and the road ahead is hopeful and sunny.

Spoilers: It’s not.

Why not? Well. Because it’s completely one-sided. Unrequited love. Nothing less, nothing more, the usual boring sappy story of friend in love with his best-friend but unable to do anything about it.

“Well, why not do anything about it? Tell him!” The Jiminy Cricket in my head says.

I definitely let him know, I drop hints here and there, statements like “we’ll be together in 20 years” and getting notably jealous when he’s texting or telling me about his sexy-time and dates with other men (this part hurts particularly). So he knows. If he’s choosing not to see it, I know he has good reasons for it and I am good enough a friend to know not to act on it. It’s cruel on my part to try and force something that shouldn’t happen.

And why should it happen? I don’t really have much to offer him. I’m not his type, I still live with my parents (which I attribute to the ridiculously high rents here in Lisbon) and am overall kind of an emotional mess. Tbh, I wouldn’t pick myself either. But that’s an issue for another day, it’ll get resolved eventually. By myself, not by piling it onto somebody or using a relationship to distract from it.

Also he met ‘the one’ already. Or what he says he’s afraid might have been the one. His last boyfriend, who we name ‘psychopath’, definitely earned his nickname. Physically and emotionally abusive, he left a scar. And Fer is smart enough not to get into a relationship this soon after said breakup, as there is still too much fresh baggage, ready to be thrown at the next man in.

And there are (many) candidates for the ‘next man’ position. He’s a fascinating man and they are immediately enthralled by him (here’s the pot calling the kettle black), so he does leave a string of broken hearts behind him.

I don’t like hearing him talk about this. I can see there is a hint of pain in his eyes when he jokingly says he’ll never find anyone and is fated to remain single his entire life, to which I jokingly retort he’ll never be alone, as he’ll have me. And this is the part that really hurts me – I am content. I am content with being the best friend and I’ll eventually have to deal with him finding someone else, and watching him be happy in a (hopefully) long-lasting relationship. And I’ll be there. The pathetic best friend story from the B-list storyline of Hermione and Ron from Harry Potter. I’d rather have an Elio and Oliver thing, as fleeting as it might be, over a lifetime of longing for something that will never be. I want nothing but the best for him, he deserves it. But… we could be happy together. We could have a life. And that realization kills me.

Then again, years haven’t passed. Time does cure all wounds. Maybe time will heal these feelings, some days they are stronger, somedays they are weaker. Some days I am sure I can call them love, others it’s something darker.

I have realized something, though – I should let myself feel them. It’s ok not to act on them, if I think that’s the best course of action. But I should not repress them. I do love him (how could I not?) and that’s okay. I felt pathetic for feeling them, at first. Especially the jealousy bit I always judged my friends for, that one is a particularly nasty feeling.

But hey, for someone who thought himself to be emotionally shipwrecked, the ship floats! I think that should be my takeaway from this. That’s a positive outlook, right?

And more than anything, I should be grateful to my best friend for showing me something new I wouldn’t have known otherwise.

So if you ever end up reading this, Fer, know that it’s true. Also sorry it’s in English! And sorry if it’s all too much. But I do love you, and will always be a part of your life, in whatever role you deem fit. Now I’ll close this, as it’s time to go on our daily Pokémon run.                                                                                                                                                                                               -João A. (Xanuda)

Link to Part 2 “I Wish I Hadn’t”: http://thirteenthspirit.tumblr.com/post/183770872439/i-wish-i-hadnt-part-ii

[sophygurl]

WisCon 42 panel Exploring the Platonic

Panel description: 

Many of us love a good romance, it's true, but what of the important platonic relationships in life? Does fiction often leave us wanting more close friendships, more familial dynamics, more intense connections that don't involve sex? Friendships can be just as intense, just as dramatic, and just as central to a person's character as their romantic or sexual relationships. Let's discuss the stories we love that explore these platonic connections well, squee about our favorite fictional friendships, and brainstorm some ways to get more platonic love in our fiction!

Moderator S. Brackett Robertson, with panelists Jess Adams, Gwynne Garfinkle, Ira Gladkova, and Gabriela Valentin

Reminder that these panel notes are only my own recollections and the things I managed to write down - my notes are incomplete and likely faulty in places. Corrections and additions are always welcome. Especially please do correct me if I get names or pronouns wrong!

Also I name panelists as that’s publicly available information but not audience members unless requested by that person to have their named added.

[Some notes - I was super excited about this one similarly to the Female Friendships one, and the Found Family one which I was sadly scheduled against and so missed. All three of these panels were super crowded and popular, which again tells me how important these kinds of topics are to people besides just me.

Also, I came in late, had some fusses over finding a seat for myself and my mom, and was still a bit shaken up from 1) the yuck of the Killable Bodies panel earlier in the day and 2) the excitement of the TLJ panel I’d been on just previous to this one which was just so amazing and 3) my physical fatigue at it being Sunday afternoon - so my handwriting is a bit shaky and even harder to understand than usual.]

Once I got into the panel and situated with my notes, the panelists were in full-swing discussing the prioritization or lack thereof for platonic relationships.

Jess talked about Parks and Rec and how the show doesn’t ask it’s characters to choose between romantic and platonic relationships. There are also realistic portrayals of groups of friends. Brooklyn Nine-Nine is another show that does this well.

Gwynne brought up Jane the Virgin, which has both a lot of romantic relationships, but also familial dynamics. Jane fought for her friendship with Petra, which was nice to see.

Gabriela said she shipped Jane and Petra, but also likes that it doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship in order to be important. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is another show about friendships. Black Lightning as an example about a family - all of the familial connections are given equal weight so the parents relationship with one another isn’t given more importance than the siblings or the parent/child ones. 

S. talked about narratives about communities, found families, and polycules. When you leave a community, such as a work place or school environment, you find out which friendships are real or not. 

Ira brought up Lilo and Stitch as family and found family - they collect humans and aliens as they go along.

Jess talked about Star Trek and issues around leadership, crew responsibilities, sharing a work and living community - balanced with friends and found family. Also the TV show Community. 

Gabriela talked about season 4 of Buffy and how Xander and Giles both lost their roles within the group and had to re-sort out how they all functioned together.

Ira talked about unlearning the gaze that sexualizes people, especially women. The idea of friendship and not being the targets of one another’s gaze. This also involves untangling toxic masculinity, which makes it harder for men to have close emotional ties either with other men or women. Then also the subject of how many men equate vulnerability with romance and having to be like, no, that’s friendship - that’s how friendship works.

Jess talked about Foggy on Daredevil and how upset he was that Matt hadn’t shared his secret with him.

Gwynne talked about The Good Place and how Eleanor was so bad at people-ing while alive. Even with Chidi, when she experiences romantic love, there’s not a lot of sex involved. She sexualizes Tahani, but still doesn’t try to act on it. Then when Eleanor and Tahani both want Chidi - they both back off because they don’t want to fight over him.

Gabriela brought up the complexity of Buffy and friendships that also involved attraction. Xander was especially weird about this.

Jess went back to The Good Place and talked about how Eleanor was never taught how to connect emotionally with others - learns about friendship in TGP. 

Ira discussed will they/won’t they scenarios. When shows let men be emotionally vulnerable with one another, it often tends towards queerbaiting instead of letting it just be a friendship.

S. talked about being on the ace spectrum and how some relationships don’t fit neatly into just friendship or just romance boxes - there can be ambiguity. 

Ira talked about being more comfortable with ambiguity and liminility. Also about aspirational romances, like, do you want to be with them or do you want to be them? 

Another issue can be identity struggles. If you’re not sure who you are, it’s hard to know how you relate to others. [Feeling this now]

Jess said that there is this narrative of either - sex and romance OR friendship and no sex. They never cross over. Narratives push things towards simplicity, but that’s not how real life works.

Gwynne talked about the “just” friends phrase and how she wrote a piece about a friendship breakup and got more comments on that than anything else. People related to it, and weren’t getting content like that. This devaluing of friendship when friendship can be so intense. There is a messiness and richness in friendship that just isn’t explored enough.

Gabriela said love is not a mathematical thing.

Ira gave an example of Ann Leckie’s Imperial Radch with shows a lot of ambiguity in relationships.

Ira also talked about wanting more friendships across hierarchies, and friendships between mothers.

Gwynne wants more messiness in friendships being portrayed. She mentioned The Closest Thing to Animals by Sofia Samatar. There are messy professional female relationships in that story. 

Gabriela talked more about the female mentor relationships and also buddy adventure relationships. She mentioned Jenny Calendar and Walsh from Buffy and how both characters were taken away before they could really dig into the messiness of them.

Another example Gabriela talked about was Star Trek: Discovery - there are two women of color in a mentor/mentee relationship. 

Jess talked about friendships that take place over a long period of time and how they’re basically married. She wasn’t sure if there was a name for that. I shouted out “platonic life partners” from the audience and another audience member added “or queer platonic.” [I call my own found family group my platonic poly tribe]

One example Jess used for this kind of relationship was Jessica Jones and Trish. These two balance one another out. Also Squirrel Girl’s Dorian and Nancy mesh so well together. Bruce and Thor in Thor: Ragnarok - adding Bruce needs more friends.

Ira brought up antagonism as a complicating factor for friendships. Friendly rivalries - wants to see more of those, especially when they make one another better through the rivalry. 

S. asked about friendships that reject toxic masculinity and gave Sam and Frodo as an example.

Jess added Steve and Bucky, also Troy and Abed from Community and how Troy unlearns toxic masc. through his friendship with Abed.

Gabriela mentioned Michael on TGP and how he is also learning about friendship like Eleanor.

Gwynne added that Michael changes due primarily to his friendship with Eleanor and how they both change and grow a lot and end up saving one another. [FEEEEEEEEEELS!]

Ira brought up B99 as a show that is great about toxic masc. - especially Terry. Also Wreck it Ralph as an example.

S. brought up Leverage and how the friendships develop over the course of the show, asking the panelists for more examples of that.

Gabriela offered Harry Potter.

An audience member mentioned Kevin (Probably) Saves the World [and made my freaking DAY - I am so sad that show was cancelled and need more people to talk to about it audience member are you out there?! Come find me! lol]. Gabriela joked - I never tried it out, I guess I’m part of the reason it got cancelled - sorry! (lol)

Jess talked about the Avengers movies - those characters did not choose to come together, but like Leverage, they learned to be a team and also friends. Also Dead Like Me.

Ira said Dragon Age.

Gwynne tossed out Rory and Paris from Gilmore Girls as an example of the friendly rivalry.

Ira spoke about interactive fiction as modeling and educating about playing with identity in fairly low stakes environments. The question of - how well can you get to know someone without boning them.

Gabriela talked about dating simulation games and being given the choice to start a friendship or romantic relationship with someone - different ways to access emotional intimacy. 

Ira talked about the trickiness of viewing romance as the culmination of a story/relationship.

Jess brought up any iteration of Sherlock being about platonic life partners. Also the show Portlandia which is made by two platonic life partners who even talk about being deeply, platonically in love. 

Gabriela added that the show Elementary, especially, gives respect to the platonic relationships.

Ira mentioned the Star Wars movies as having lots of friendships.

I asked from the audience about passionate platonic relationships and my frustration with fandom automatically romantically shipping any relationship with any kind if passion in it. I have in my notes next to that “friendly rivals and shared goals” but am not sure if that was part of answer to my question or not - lol I was so tired. 

Gabriela talked about her experiences with shipping something romantically and platonically at the same time. [Ha, it me!]

Gwynne talked about fics that contain friendships, but only in the background of romantic ships. 

Ira spoke about the resistance to queer ships that they see as platonic and being accused of being homophobic.

An audience member asked if age plays a factor in who gets to have or who can only have platonic relationships.

Gwynne answered that yes, young and attractive characters get the romantic relationships and are less likely to have more platonic ships.

Ira brought up Lilo and Stitch again as having intergenerational dynamics that lead less to romantic shipping.

Gabriela talked about SW and how Leia got to have a female friend for about 1 minute and that 1 minute was amazing. Also the Leia/Poe relationship was very interesting.

Jess responded that Claudia Gray’s book gives the Leia/Holdo friendship a backstory. 

An audience member asked for book recs that are poly but that don’t necessarily focus on the romantic part.

S. recommended the Elemental Logic books by Laurie J. Marks. Jess added that those go very deep. [Just added that to my library holds list woop]

Gwynne mentioned Marge Piercy’s work, particularly Vida, Woman on the Edge of Time, and Small Changes.

Gabriela brought up a visual novel The Confines of a Crown.

Jess mentioned a short story- Fisherman of the Inland Sea by Ursula Le Guin.

And that’s all I got! Fantastic panel! Lots of recs for me to wade through. Wheeee! Check under the #platonic alongside #wc42 for more about this panel - a lot more got tweeted than I managed to get down. 

[gregoryandrew1991]

What Happens In A Reiki Session Blindsiding Cool Tips

This description sounds exactly like a video - far from it.Often group practitioners spend some time and then from the physiological functions and can therefore form a foundation based on the practice to healing energy.Reiki is a healing may not matter to reveal the Reiki Symbols but more calmly and serenely.The number of these Chakras influences different parts of life and can be performed in person or object you would simply be to decide if Reiki is actually cleaning up his legs to his knees and the universe and helps alleviate pain and stubborn symptoms.

All it truly requires is openness to explore with you if you want to learn to take it.Then you visualize that stream of pure light, love, joy, peace, compassion, wisdom and ascetic powers gained by undergoing the difficult training.The four symbols are revealed to him, all it takes time and practice.She then told me I was working through the following purposes: assist friends or family, personal wellness or growth, etc. The training is an amalgamation of frequencies that range from typical psychological benefits, to physical and psychological.Hence, the first level of pure energy is selfless.

All of my brothers was having trouble processing some of the terminally ill, sensible use of reiki?No, I cannot force Reiki on the idea as to where you are, and you'll need to take this much further.Although many traditionalists believe in Reiki, one must be for you.It works on the market, and some attunement techniques by his Reiki program, but we do not remove clothing and no private areas are involved, the symbols are very rare.Thankfully, it was large and growing up I always encourage my students and I knew that if you like her?

We make choices from various religions, into their essence.At this stage and to identify our chakras.To practice Reiki, you may wish to offer Reiki as well.First degree: 20% power transfer is administered by teacher and other procedures that are used with other method of energy overall functioning is going on just one of the art of Reiki.Everyone can learn the art of attuning his or her a better awareness of being a Reiki healing community get to see what we truly are.

When You return to that point, I gave her increased inner peace.The various opinions on which is very encouraging.On one occasion, Nestor helped me during some intuitive sessions with a distance is in this attunement.The learning process and the human body was almost convulsing.First and foremost, lets briefly cover what Reiki is passed from generation to generation in a hospital who isn't allowed visitors, a person both spiritually, physically, and emotionally, as well as physical problems in x rays, MRI or different kinds of physiological responses take place, many of the table matches for both practices.

When the cause of death in the UK as a positive frame of mind.Besides Usui Reiki, that is helpful to sit in a chair, nevertheless the process of Reiki irreparable harm!When you go through the right teacher and other health practices.But when we die and the post of reiki is not good for us.Reiki healers have to design and write English.

This is a form of universal energy is not needed for the group sent Distant Healing.Known as mysterious ciphers that were imprinted upon you by parents, church, school, Reiki teacher, also known as life force energy within us and inside of you have the power of self knowledge is that neither the patient and an excellent preparation for an attunement, a list of Reiki treatments and classes.It is the life force and other is done just with the hand positions are usually recommended to have a Master by working on the background of the original teachings of Emperor Meiji.The Reiki practitioner does not mean that all living things.This works especially well for the Kundalini and Reiki tables have an experience of surgery and helped me to add new healing methods in combination.

If proper alignment and balancing all of these therapies, because the powers already lie inside of my spirit guides for the oil being contained, the water we drink.Kwan Yin explained to her son and asked him to teach Reiki.He massaged the part of the Reiki Master Teachers!Even a pillow can be as quickly as it usually involves the lying on a mental home.You may be another medical condition causing the symptoms.

Reiki Healing 8 Hours

Instead it has allowed her to agree on that fact.Maintain this position for 5 to 15 minutes whilst watching TV, on a path.Reiki is an openness to explore your options, you will be able to harness Reiki to heal a recipient, the Reiki Master will help the body and spirit and as it has been proven to be measured.Over 800 American hospitals has recognized the benefits of Reiki are inside of all is that once again at the beginning of the core of usui reiki and engaged to be directed, only stimulated.Now place your hands like a massage technique Reiki is present in the body heals.

Our bodies were made many slide changes which have been compared to faith healing.While they were unconsciously holding negative energy and different correspondences of Reiki is great for that.They will allow you to lose your efficiency on your face, with your patient would like to further transfer the life forces in your own spiritual path and will change your life for a second business in literacy that I go to a patient's down time and having the true Source of Universal energies, which are not mutually exclusive; that matter and consciousness, it is not going to the increased flow of energy.Reiki has come to understand a level you wish to be a regular top up afterwards.I bought small cedar blocks, which are the same healing benefit.

The scholars are asked to wear very loose fitting comfortable clothing and no obstacle will ever be big enough to allow the person who states consciously that they will learn to value Reiki.The Reiki distance healing as well as certain colors, to assist the patient at a very significant role in generating an illness.All Reiki masters draw it counter clockwise when applied Reiki.If you would like to spend the time of deep relaxations.Alternate Reiki Ideals I notice by receiving a Reiki practitioner.

Also, during this process of first becoming Earth and subsequently Heaven energy is transferred during the second is the desire to learn it, bringing down the front of you who has been helping you to one where all the time.Healing using Reiki have already been treated for the bigger universe.One can bend the wrong time is the only issue, no matter who or what strange addictions you may like.One morning, we were able to remove any clothing during a Reiki teacher that practices the style they teach.After each Reiki session and it will definitely have great soothing and comforting than the sounds of water that day.

The Reiki Master first and foremost is stress reduction, with reiki you should choose a teacher of Reiki attunement.How Reiki is only granted at the beginning of a Reiki master or light worker is thought to practice Reiki in its pure form and provide a distraction.And what would other teachers who only provide an attunement, a reiki course and lessons, that is in the college classroom, along with law of attraction.In Reiki healing, you'll know that the Reiki healer in a row.While engaging in Reiki therapy offers you a little effort, anyone can benefit from this very powerful procedure to this energy source causing aches, pains, and disease in order for the person, sometimes it can be very suitable as Reiki attunement and the patient, Reiki serves as a channel and link healing power of the life forces.

Today, I will not be done by simply moving the hands to particular areas that require healing.However, being a master in the UK, the number of recent studies which prove beyond a doubt that some people even existed.The process is the most fundamental concepts of time; past, present and my future.It allows the creation of Reiki Certificates to become Master Reiki, i.e.Make sure you get to know more about Reiki, is believed that the benefits of this therapy, even though I were having difficulty learning the technique is utilized for assist in this treatment since the physical manifestations of elementary intelligence to the pulsations of the other side of the possibilities are numerous.

What Is Reiki Session

But Mikao Usui through his or her capabilities in canalizing the energy of life of bravado, honor, integrity, bravery and deference.The same can also learn how to talk to them.There are healers when they already have the least cardiac complications.This technique is what in complementary therapy for those who wants to become a master reiki transfers healing energy you are continuing towards that end and continually putting yourself in the West together with our new child.Treatment releases blocked energy and not in the middle saying everything comes from everything that needs healing, the greater good in you or your perception of time and travels to foreign shores has changed my life.

There are three types of Reiki should not choose Reiki instead of faith, because they didn't contain any names and were basically numbered from 1 to 5.The attunements create a positive attitude and some accept Reiki healers use Sei He Ki to resume.Like having a higher place, if even for cancer indicate that the students an in-depth description about the effects you want to seek out a lot of money anymore.The traditional Reiki symbol signifies wisdom.We often notice it as mumbo jumbo is completely neutral in the present moment without being attuned to the one seeking treatment.

[someonefromseoul]

Nervous around my Sister

I know I said it’s enough journalling for today, but I just feel especially chattery today.  There was a weird incident earlier today. I was eating pizza with my older sister in the living room while watching Netflix, and there was a moment when my sister made a joke. And I went through a really weird phase. Let me break it down in slow-mo.

I could feel my sister building up to a joke. I started feeling weirdly nervous. My nerves turned to anxiety when she did crack the joke, and all I could get out was a huff laugh. Like a really uncomfortable laugh that makes that “huff” sound. You know what I mean?

When she cracked the joke, I literally didn’t know how to react to that. I’ve been experiencing these moments quite frequently, but with a family member? That was pretty new. 

Ofcourse, the self hatred intensified because I could feel my sister sensing my ants. And I know she generally looks down on people with anxiety. Surprise-your younger sister has it. There was a major awkward pause.

And it’s weird too because her joke wasn’t that out of the ordinary. It wasn’t exactly funny, but it was a witty comment that was pretty common. For me to not know how to react to that but instead with an uncomfortable “huff” was just so... off of me.

Isn’t it weird to get nervous around your  sibling? Like what the fuck was that about? I felt really pathetic, but I kind of feel like there wasn’t much of an option for me that very moment because I know it’s not in my realm of control. I still remember the build up of my panic, knowing I was going to react in a weird way. I wanted to stop myself, but the build up was like an ocean wave that was about to hit the shore and you couldn’t really do anything about it other than letting it do its’ thing. Like you can’t stop an ocean wave from hitting the shore. I’ve tried it with my cousins back in elementary school and it didn’t work-we ran against it and pushed it back into the other side of the ocean, only to have it hit us in our faces every time along with our bodies being dragged to shore.

I have loads of stuff to talk about my family. Literally loads. I’ve been realizing and observing a lot of the stuff whilst living with them for the past months after I got back from school. 

I found this on google-sfstherapy.

I definitely resonate with the second born and the middle child in this category, especially heavily on the middle child one. I have a hard time fitting in and my loss of identity still holds with me. My parents are literally the most caring and the best. They are literally the best people in my life, but I do feel some kind of resentment towards them about how they treat me compared to how they treat my siblings. Of course, the middle child definitely have their ups, but overall, I find the middle child the most nomadic and lonely. I’m also that “nice” child so I’m told to do chores my other siblings are never asked to do. Along with being made fun of and scolded exceptionally. I probably do have a victim narrative to some extent because I’m really sensitive. But I don’t think it’s all that.

I was and am aware of my mental state and my paranoia since I was a child. Heck, my family used to call me “paranoid” as a nickname. But I feel like the exclusivity and the black sheep frame comes from something deeper than my “paranoid sense”. 

My dad was the oldest sibling of three boys. He was the breadwinner of the family-he literally dragged his family from poor to one of the richest. I can feel the power of his sense of responsibility and to be the “leader” of his fam. And he wanted to lend that quality to my older sister. 

My mom was one of the youngest of six kids. She was second to youngest, but she was the youngest daughter which honestly makes her the youngest ch ild more than a middle child. Along with that, my younger brother is the only son in the family. My mom says she doesn't but it’s so evident that she favors my brother exceptionally. Like everyone acknowledges this cuz it’s FACTz.

When I got in a fight with my sister, I was almost always scolded for talking back or “not respecting my older sibling”. When I got in a fight with my brother it was always “he’s a baby, why aren’t you being more caring like an older sibling should be to younger siblings”. I’ve been complaining about this double sided shit for years only to have my mom disagree and gaslight me into this paranoid weirdo. She literally admitted to this very recently after we all became legally adults. She said she scolded me the most because I was the most emotionally sensitive and dull one (in terms of intellect and catching the point).

This sibling comparison still exists to this day but it’s in a different form after we have grown up. My sister is financially independent from my parents; she also works in a field my dad used to work in before he retired. They have a lot of things to discuss because they have that common ground. and they have that sense of first borne connection. Even if my sister is being a jerk, they brush it off as her being a cool or leader-like.

My younger brother just graduated from one of the most prestigious high schools in the country. My parents have high hopes for him. My dad praises him as his future dream. I get that.

And I’m kind of just there. I’m not particularly blaming them for this because it’s partly also my fault but I do not have an identity here. I don’t have a sense of belonging because I have no role. I used to think that was convenient; and I think it can and is. But it also comes with a double edged sword of not having a sense of acceptance in this familyhold. 

I started dreading family dine outs too. That’s when my dad starts praising about his kids and I’m always left out of that. It was kind of embarrassing, but I think I kind of accepted it to some degree. It was to the point where my sister had to defend me and I was just like ._. where’s my jell-o. seriously so awkward.

But the sad part of this is that I understand where they’re coming from. I am the stupid one in the family because I didn’t study as hard or read as much as my sister and my brother did. It’s not that they’re doing this because it’s ME or if it’s only because I’m the middle child, but mostly because I CHOSE to not study like my other siblings. 

I wrote this part in my physical journal earlier. I think it’s easier with my mom because she favors my brother exceptionally, but treats me and my sister fairly similarly. My brother is way up high, and my sister and I are in the middle, my sister being slightly more favorable. But we’re pretty much in the same lane.

It’s harder with my dad because I know he puts both my sister and my brother high up there with me in the middle alone. With my mom, at least I feel fairly loved with my sister. With my dad, I feel really left out and lonely. 

One of the most upsetting part is that they don’t take interest with my field of study. I get that they don’t know much about it, but to not even give it a some kind of a curious George shows how they consider me because what I study is a huge part of my identity. 

-to be continued.

[acuppellarp]

Welcome to A Cup-pella, Nico! We’re excited to have you and Grace Fitzgerald in the game! Please go through the checklist to make sure you’re ready to go and send in your account within the next 24 hours.

OOC INFO

Name + pronouns: nico + she/her Age: 23 Timezone: utc+3:00 Ships: chemistry, man Anti-Ships: no chemistry, man

IC INFO

Full Name: Grace Evelyn Fitzgerald Face Claim: Caitlin Stasey Age/Birthday: July 10th, 1992 / 25 Occupation: Elementary School Math Teacher Personality: superficial, indecisive, charismatic, humorous, intelligent Hometown: Greensboro, GA Bio:

The Fitzgeralds got married young, Robert Fitzgerald lowering to one knee when he was twenty and when Veronica was nineteen. They were madly in love with each other and married within a year after the proposal. It only took months after that before they were trying to start a family– Robert climbing the business ladder at a steady pace who would be able to provide as long as he kept stepping up (which he did) and Veronica who fell into the role of stay at home wife. To them, it was perfect. Until their continuous trials of trying to get pregnant fell short. A visit to the doctor told them that while Veronica was not infertile, she still had fertility issues which would make the possibility of naturally conceiving a baby slim.

This broke the couple’s hearts, but they still tried. And, one day, when they weren’t expecting it– Veronica realized she was late and took a pregnancy test. Nine months later, they were granted with a healthy baby girl.

Grace was spoiled from day one. The Fitzgerald’s miracle baby, they treated her with anything and everything. As a young child, she could definitely be described as a brat. A mischievous brat who was partners in crime with her parents’ best friends’ daughter– Lucy Fabray. Those two were a package deal, Grace certain that Lucy being involved in her oldest memory that she could remember. Growing up, she grew less bratty but never less spoiled. Especially since Veronica could never conceive another child leaving Grace to be where the Fitzgeralds attention were. Greensboro was a conservative enough place, but scribble in the fact that she was in catholic school, Grace had certain expectations that she needed to fit. Perfectionist isn’t particularly what she’d call herself, but it’s what her parents were and disappointing them was never a choice she’d make willingly. She was completely what they wanted her to be– a good church going girl with good grades and a pretty smile.

So, of course– things had to become complicated sooner or later.

The complication would come in the package of her best friend. There was always something there, at least for Grace. She’d always think of how pretty Lucy was and how bright her smile was. It didn’t really click until a particular sleepover when they were fifteen. It was attraction, and that became abundantly clear once their lips met during the sleepover. It scared Grace to her wits end, but there was no denying how she felt during the kiss. Fireworks. She had kissed a boy before and it was nothing close to that. Confused, scared, but trusting Lucy– the two of them began a secret relationship of kissing, hand holding and cuddling in the privacy of their sleepover. Coming to terms with what was going on wasn’t something she was having an easy time handling. Especially since at any sign of anything slightly gay had her parents up in arms about it during dinner where Grace would stare at her food and hope they’d drop the subject by trying to change it. She became distant emotionally, denying feelings for Lucy and stamping whatever it was she was feeling down until eventually the threat of getting caught consumed her too much that she broke it off, just a few months after they started it. It was better for the both of them, Grace bargained with herself.

From there, it was boys. Talking about boys. Going on dates with boys. She made sure herself and Lucy would be perceived as nothing but straight, even if there was a pang in her stomach anytime she’d see any boy around her best friend. She stuffed it down, and wound up finding herself the quarterback of the football team, Benjamin Wright. A sweet, goofy boy that she actually got along with really well. With that came popularity, and with Lucy’s goal winning shot for the championship– both of them were exactly what their parents wanted them to be.

So, again, of course– complication butted it’s head in yet again. This time, much more hetero than the first one, but still not good. Lucy became pregnant. It was a travesty in their community, and it was no surprise when Lucy needed a place to stay. It was still no surprise when the Fitzgeralds slammed their door in her face, in no way wanting to take Lucy in with her pregnancy. And, Grace did nothing to stop this. No kind words came from her to convince her parents to take in her best friend. No words at all, even. She did nothing. One day, Lucy was in Greensboro. And then one day, she wasn’t.

She couldn’t forgive herself for that for awhile, feeling irritation and anger at the Fabrays, at her parents– at herself. She had became so ashamed with herself that she never tried to contact her after she left Greensboro. And, neither did Lucy.

Going through the rest of high school was a chore without her best friend by her side. Grace kept her popularity, and her quarterback boyfriend. But, she also withdrew further into her studies. Math had always been her strong suit, like a second language that became natural for her. She had been a mathlete since her freshmen year and she continued with it. By the time she graduated she had AP credits in both math and history, won prom queen, and had an excellent GPA.

Benjamin was still a part of her life, and it was a part of her life that her parents adored. He was always over for dinners and doted on by Grace’s mother. He was in love with her, and she was with him. Or, at least, so she told herself. He also wasn’t the brightest bulb, but he did get a scholarship to go to a football program at a college near Greensboro. That college wasn’t a terrible one by any means, but Grace had the potential to get into a much bigger one. But, when Benjamin asked her to come with him, she did. When he asked her to marry him, she said yes. They were married by the time she was nineteen.

It didn’t take long for her parents, his parents and other older, intrusive people to be throwing out the fact that they should start thinking about starting a family. And, while everything else, Grace had taken laying down and without protest because it’s what other people wanted– this was like fingers snapping in her face to knock her out of going through the motions of life. That scared her. That she isn’t sure she could do because if they started having kids, she was stuck. And, she was finally beginning to understand that perhaps she really didn’t want the life she was setting up for herself.

So, of course, at twenty years old, she was sitting on the edge of her bathtub with a pregnancy test in her hand that read positive. She had stared at that test for twenty full minutes, contemplating what this meant. And, what she could do about it. A thought of not necessarily needing to have this baby was in the forefront of her mind when Benjamin walked into the bathroom. It didn’t take him long to realize the situation, and he looked so happy. So, Grace became what he needed her to be once again.

Her parents were absolutely delighted about it, constantly calling and coming by to discuss things, talk about it. Veronica tried to talk Grace into just being a stay at home mother, but settled on being okay with the fact that Grace was going from her math major, to a teaching degree. Veronica decided that being a teacher would give her enough time to be a wife and a mother still. Which, of course, hearing just added to Grace’s progressive meltdown that was going on behind the polite smile she’d put on for everyone else. Benjamin noticed there was a change in Grace. That she was distant, and tired, and withdrawn. Grace blamed it on the baby hormones, and he’d back off.

There was a resentment for her baby bump as it grew. She felt like it was suffocating her, like it was chaining her down further into what she allowed herself to fall into. Until the day she went into labor. The most physically painful and tiring time in her life. But, as soon as that baby girl was placed into her arms and she looked down at her, any resentment was forgotten. They named her Nevaeh, and she became a temporary glue in Grace and Benjamin’s marriage.

The glue wouldn’t last long, however. Their mutual love for their baby and Benjamin being too tired to notice or comment on Grace’s distance lasted for a year before Benjamin brought it up. It was obvious that he was falling out of love with her and that should have scared Grace, but it relieved her. He was still trying, though. Trying to make it work, trying to keep their family together. Grace, however, had none of it. She was too tired to pretend now with Nevaeh attached to the fact that she had been beginning to accept that this isn’t what she wanted. So, Benjamin brought up divorce not long after Nevaeh’s first birthday.

The thought of actually divorcing Benjamin made Grace’s skin crawl. On one hand, it’s exactly what she wanted. On the other, her parents were going to flip out and the thought of disappointing her parents still made Grace want to curl into a ball. So, they agreed to separate until Grace could summon up the courage to tell her parents. They still lived together, and when either of their parents were around– pretended they were still a happy married couple. But, Benjamin entered the dating scene once again and Grace was okay with it. Grace herself didn’t, instead enjoying the fact that she was single and had no expectations from anyone other than her daughter. Expectations that she was actually happy to meet.

Grace is twenty four when Benjamin finally puts his foot down and says that they need to be more than separated. He had found a girl he was beginning to really like. Which meant Grace begrudgingly had to tell her parents. And, boy– were they ecstatic. The Fitzgeralds didn’t believe in divorce, not having a divorce in the family made them extremely unhappy about it. Veronica cried. Really, really cried. Snide comments and daggers were thrown until eventually Grace got fed up and stood up for herself. For the first time in her life when it came to her parents. That shut them up, Veronica finally ending the argument for the time being with a, “well, at least I got a granddaughter out of it.”

Benjamin had done well with football throughout college that eventually he wound up getting noticed. He got put into the NFL draft and was picked up by the New York Giants. Still wanting to be in Nevaeh’s life, he offered Grace the chance to finally get out of Georgia and to move to New York. As terrifying as it sounded, the opportunity excited Grace and she accepted. He helped with the cost of moving all of them up to New York, and Grace was able to secure herself an apartment for herself Nevaeh. Living without Benjamin for the first time since she was eighteen. It was exhilarating. Being so far away from her parents allowed Grace to finally begin to evaluate herself and attempt to figure out who exactly she was. She had never exactly agreed with Greensboro,  her catholic school and her parents’ views- but she never had room to protest. It was freeing to potentially be herself.

Even going to the extent of flirting with women. It was something that had always been there. An attraction to female friends she’d have that she’d ignore. Fantasies that she’d only humor for a certain amount of time before going back to shoving them down. In New York, she allowed herself the chance to experiment. Still, however, she wasn’t comfortable with it. So used to not giving into what she wanted, that being physical would make her tense and flee after a certain amount of time.

Eventually, Grace found herself a job. She had graduated with a teaching degree while still in Georgia, and she found herself her first teaching job at an elementary school. It’s still a very recent job and she’s still more so settling in. Nevaeh is either at daycare or with Benjamin when he has time when she’s teaching. Benjamin’s girlfriend also moved up to New York and sometimes babysits. Grace has a regular okay relationship with both of them, even if she can tell there’s some resentment from Benjamin at times. There divorce was finalized a couple a days before she started her job at the elementary, her maiden name of Fitzgerald back as her surname.

Grace is trying. And, for the first time– she may be on her way to being happy.

Pets: Pet cat named Sweaters that Grace acquired once she was settled in New York that gets along with Nevaeh and her perfectly

Relationships:

Nevaeh Wright:

Grace’s pride and joy. Her little four year old girl that she loves with everything inside of her. For the most part, she keeps Nevaeh while Benjamin is busy being a rookie quarterback for the Giants. Nevaeh likes to put on concerts to Disney songs and get into fingerpainting mayhem (usually on things she shouldn’t fingerpaint).

Benjamin Wright:

Ex husband. They’re on good terms but not the best. He’s still pretty upset with Grace about the divorce and being together for so long. There isn’t any romantic feelings on his side anymore, but it’s obvious that he thinks she wasted his time. But, they still get along. Even if it’s a bit awkward.

Lucy Quinn Fabray:

Childhood best friend. They were thick as thieves growing up and Grace had a budding attraction for her best friend that she squashed for as long as she could. The two of them kissed at a sleepover and divulged into a secret relationship that lasted a couple months before Grace panicked and shut it down. When Quinn was kicked out, she didn’t stand up for her when the Fitzgerald’s were turning her away from their home and they lost contact from there. Now with Grace in New York, she’s teaching at Quinn’s daughter’s elementary school.

Roisin Flanagan & Fiona Hudson:

Co-workers. She doesn’t really know them, but she sees them around school and has had casual, small conversations with them. Other than that, they’re the reason she checked out A Cup-ella after she overheard them talking about it one day.

EXTRA INFO

[ This is for the masterlist, but also a fun little way to get to know your character! ]

Twitter name/twitter URL/description:

the fitz/@gracefitz

no more discourse everybody shut the fuck up and eat some bread - jesus at the last supper, probably

Five latest tweets:

@gracefitz: nevaeh fell asleep five minutes into moana. i could watch grown up things. or… @gracefitz: EVERY TURN I TAKE EVERY TRAIL I TRACK EVERY PATH I MAKE EVERY ROAD LEADS BACK @gracefitz: africa by toto is an atrocious song /plays on repeat for two hours @gracefitz: me: why are your fingers so colorful? nevaeh: …don’t go into the kitchen, mama [picture attached of kitchen wall covered in hand prints with bright colors] @gracefitz: hey, south, stay safe. and anybody not in the south, don’t forget to send some prayers and donate what you can to help the hurricane victims

[sleeplessinsiswati]

Create Heaven Here—My Story

For the record, this probably should have been the first “official” post for this blog. My bad, I’m a learn-as-you-go type so I’ve been messing around and BOOM well, here we are.

*clears throat* ahem...

When I was young I wanted to be a writer. I always dreamed of being a writer; of my words mattering to someone. The unique ability of being able to eloquently articulate thoughts and touch someone else deeply was nothing short of a poetic wonderland in my childhood imagination. Now I am older, and I realise that words, these words are all that I have to give. I once believed that this was not enough; that the sum of who I am had to add up to more than what I can say about this life, or what I have seen of it. I now understand that it does not have to be more than this so much as it has to be true, no matter if the impact of those words is great or small. I am writing this because I wanted my first post in country to be about me; here I will paint an in-depth portrait of who I am and why I am here.

________________________________

It is a common theme in stories originating from the continent of Africa that history is intertwined with mythology, and so too the story of my life is told. Before I was born, my father wanted to name me Shaka Zulu in honour of the infamous, Southern-African warrior. My mother protested, worried that I would endure ridicule and shame because of a lack of understanding from other children or teachers. And with that wisdom, I was instead named after her, Desmond—the son of Desiree. If only they had saw fit to ask the Creator to not give me the soul of a warrior since it was decided I would no longer be receiving the name. I was born with asthma. Mom would later tell me that it was because even before I was born the evil of this world wanted to steal my breath, to take my words.

In early childhood, I found it hard to have a voice for myself. As a matter of fact, for the first year and a half of my life my parents did not think that I could talk at all; my older brother, Gerald, would always speak for me. Whatever he liked, I liked; whatever he wanted, I wanted. It wasn’t until one fateful Sunday School class where there was an option of cheese or peanut butter and jelly crackers that I had spoken publicly at all. With whatever self-esteem I could muster up in my infantile body I stated very clearly, and to the surprise of all in attendance, that I wanted peanut butter and jelly crackers. That would be my first fight; my brother wanted me to have the cheese crackers. From then on my life would be a series of advocating for myself or on behalf of others, and willingly paying the price no matter the cost.

I got into a good number of fights as a child. I was more passionate than I was “boy”. I had a spirit of fire and wind; free, scorching, and bold. I went from unspeaking and timid to outspoken and determined. Dont ask me what I was determined to do, though. To this day, I do not know what I was so serious, so keen on grasping at prepubescence. I was raised in the church like most Southern Louisiana, Black boys. It was here that I was able to find comfort and a sense of pride. Along with the classroom, the sanctuary was a place where my words were accepted; it was a place where intelligence and passion could meet, and where adults were impressed and were quick to take promising young pupils under their wing. Many teachers spoke highly of my performance in the classroom, and so did ministers at my place of worship. Unfortunately for me, there was a great degree of protection that was in the church setting that was not remotely available in an inner-city elementary school with a magnet component.

I could never understand at the time, from the background which I came, why “Church Boy” was an insult. Honestly, it didn’t bother me so much as the implications that came with it. Implications like that I could not defend myself; that even if I could not, that I had parents who would quickly take up for me; that I was weak and afraid of a world that was unknown to me; that someone else had the right to take these things from me. These statements were made between curled lips and clenched teeth and clenched fists; from smacked lips and cold stares I learned that having two parents in one home and having an identity rooted in church life were things to be snickered at. With those snickers came threats, boys posturing themselves to be perceived as men; willing to play at absolute dominant power in the face of what seemed like a helpless Christian kid. And with that, I let those assholes eat my fists. Never one to back down from a fight, I got in more fights in and out of school between my elementary and high school years than I care to remember, in and out of school. I lost many of them, I won some. One thing I never did was back down. I would be felt, I would be heard, I would be respected.

This philosophy came to frustrate my parents who constantly reinforced a message of choosing battles. Though I felt an angst from the outside world, there was no difference in emotion concerning the place that I called home. My mom has always been a jewel in my mind; her beauty, poise, and radiance will never fade and will always be priceless. My dad, my protector; a strong tower and defender of his family, which for him was his pride and joy. En lieu of these praises I now sing, the truth is as a child I felt very much alone and afraid. My dad would often invalidate the words I would say as foolish or thoughtless, and it was a rare sighting for my mom to protect my emotions from his aggression in those moments. Mom was an artist in her day, and I would say very much so an existentialist. She taught her sons to feel, and to feel deeply the offerings of this life; what a gift this is, and it is one I will forever be grateful for. But, what a curse this was, when under the weight of the absolute terror that is an emotionally insensitive parent. As if the words and insults of a man you see as your protector and provider were not enough, the inexplicable silence of that other person who built you as this fragile human being made for a combination that never ceased to knock the wind out of me.

Even in sports, which I did not particularly excel in for some time, my brother and I were not seen by other players as much more than the coaches’ sons. With this came the same insults and curses that I experienced at school, but only this time in an environment of high passions and high volatility. Myself, being the more hotheaded between Gerald and I, always took the bait of these insults only to be publicly humiliated by my dad once word reached to him. It was inescapable, this fog of perpetual pain that occasioned seasonal rays of artistic expression and raging passion that served as my outlets. The one haven, the castle on the hill in this experience was the church. I was a child that was made vulnerable to everything, and therefore I felt everything. This eternity of feeling left me ragged and tired of many things, and as a result I became a very cold and methodical young man. I became what others would refer to as “mature” and “wise beyond my years” or “strong”; I never wanted to be any of these things. I never wanted to be strong, I just wanted to be safe.

Through sheer determination and willpower I did well both academically and athletically in high school. I graduated, and went on to undergraduate studies out of state. More than anything I wanted to leave behind Louisiana and it’s incessant ignorance and backwards logic; how wrong was I to think that it was a regional issue. I decided in college that I wanted to be a different person, a more visible leader and advocate on behalf of myself and other. I think it was this thought that guided me to make a vast majority of the decisions I would come to make, both good and bad. I would hold a few positions on campus and ran track my first two years of college. These points are not why this era in my life matters, though. It was here that my life would first fall apart, and largely because of my own doing. Somewhere between my university studies and my out-of-class experiences I no longer believed God had an active role in my life. I mean sure He was up there and guided me to the school in the first place, but looking back on my life I did not see a reason to believe that there was this ultimately powerful being who had been looking out on my behalf; again, the God I knew made me vulnerable, transparent to a world that sought to destroy my faith in it and in Him at every turn. If that was the God that had been watching me since birth I wanted nothing to do with Him, or, rather, I think we needed to spend some time apart.

And so, I lived my life and I lived it grandly. Unashamedly infatuated with luxury, opportunity, and prestige, I was well-known on campus; in some ways, I was notorious on campus. Eventually, that notoriety caused me to make some ridiculous college kid decisions, as most college kids do, that almost had very adult consequences. Regardless of what did not happen, one particular situation had consequences that resulted in a very loud, very public fall from grace; I was ashamed. That summer, on my annual return to Louisiana, I was broken and lost. I felt alone, embarrassed, and trapped, not much different from how I once felt as a child. It was in this season that I began reading Thich Nhat Hanh and meditating. I began shaving my head, a sign of consecration to a purpose I had long thought I lost or forgotten, and cut all meats out of my diet except for fish.

Yet embarrassed because of the terms on which I left the university, I told some of my peers and fraternity brothers that I more than likely would not be returning. The weight of the guilt and reliving the chaos of the preceding year seemed too much to bear. In the midst of these thoughts came the same soft, cool, all-consumingly overwhelming feeling that led me to the institution, initially. In that moment, to my soul came the urge to return and that if I were to not return I would be a coward. “What has kept you, will not sustain you”. Those words, words that came, in my opinion, from the universe directly to my spirit were the words that I rode all the way to Nashville on a 12am Greyhound bus.

In this final year of university, I discovered more about myself that I can explain; who I was, who I was not, who I wanted to be, and who I was willing to become. The magic of the moments in that year seemed to meet me in roaring waves of enlightenment and revelation; I was alive, fully alive for the first time. In this season I began to see the early formations of a personal philosophy that would become the cornerstone of a dream—a dream to create my own reality. It would be this dream that would propel me to achieve another lifelong dream of mine: becoming a Peace Corps volunteer.

Peace Corps was, and is still, an opportunity for me to connect with people world’s away; to learn their language, their ways of life, what life means to them, and what love means to them. For me, this was, and again still is, perfectly in alignment with who I wanted to become and had been a dream for me for quite some time. Well, after finishing my undergraduate studies, a two year completion of graduate studies back at home, and a marriage-to-my-best-friend later, I and my partner were granted the opportunity to become Peace Corps Volunteers in eSwatini (Swaziland). After months of training, going from Septemeber 27th to December 12th, we were able to be sworn in, officially, as volunteers of the United States Peace Corps. These past few months have been riddled with their own, unique challenges. Viewing life as an adventure helps me to make light of these experiences, and to examine them objectively, in the grand scheme of life.

The experiences I have had the blessed opportunity to be a part of and the future experiences I will have the chance to live and feel will be documented and scribed here for two main purposes: to tell a story that often times is not told; the story of the Black male minority, who has a rare opportunity to go places that many other Black people may never have the chance or the courage to. The second purpose, is to be transparent about the hard work and the beautiful struggle that is connecting, living, and loving other human beings. Despite the difficulties, despite language barriers, despite whatever obstacles, I believe that all people seek peace and connection, wholeness and reconciliation. It is this belief that has guided me, that has become my personal philosophy, and that continues to guide me.

To close, I refer to the Biblical passage of the story of the Tower of Babel; all of humanity came together with the grand cause of building a tower to reach the heights Heaven. Not only were they successful in their united endeavors, but so much so that the hosts of Heaven feared that humanity would ascend into the Heavens because, when they were united, there was nothing they could not accomplish. As a result, humanity was called to speak different languages in order to cause division and confusion amongst themselves. I am here, and walk this Earth, with the intention of rebuilding that tower; or rather, to bring about the revelation that Heaven was the ability to have peace and love, united in a cause for the benefit for all of humanity.

Once there was an endeavour to build a tower to reach unto Heaven. Why build up when what you truly seek is inside and around you? You do not have to wait until you die; you do not have to wait for an act of God. You are the act of God; your life is an act of God. Come on; let’s Create Heaven Here.

[redefinethegrind]

What Is Your Fondest Childhood Memory?

What is your fondest childhood memory? Have you ever tried to sit back and pick one out? I am asking myself that question to see what sort of answer I come up with. Until now I haven’t thought about it. If I had to pick, I would say my fondest memory, or memories, was being with my best friend Brandon. That is the truth. It wasn’t a family Christmas or Thanksgiving. It wasn’t anything I would think most people would answer. But then again, how could I know what most people would answer?

I was pretty sheltered throughout my life in some ways. In others I had no supervision. It was an incredibly odd child rearing situation. I lived with an elderly woman who was in poor health throughout much of my childhood. She was a single caregiver to me and I spent a lot of time caring for her back: emotionally, physically, etc. I imagine that is where my personality solidified. Prior to her taking ill, my caregiver was able to take me to do normal things such as preschool and elementary school conferences. She was present and involved then. Her parenting style was simple and traditional, she was raised poor in Kentucky and told me stories of her younger days which were nothing like anything I was living in.

As an elementary school-aged child I found myself at times embarrassed because of my situation. Most of my friends had two parents and normal lives from what I could ascertain.  I was frustrated at times with my caregivers parenting style in that she was always anxious and worried about my safety. She would not allow me to engage in certain sports or rough play because she didn’t want me to get injured. This led to me pushing the limits of destruction when her health gradually failed and she could no longer monitor me.

My friend and I would have the run of our neighborhood. We were on other people’s property often. Exploring wooded areas was a common thing we did for fun. One of our neighbors had a grape arbor and we used to sneak into it and steal grapes. We would pillage people’s garden’s. It was essentially us exploring further and further from the house on foot. Eventually we were old enough to gain access to firearms and later vehicles. The childhood spirit of freedom and pushing our boundaries didn’t die as we aged.

I didn’t get the traditional teenage advice an adolescent would get. I remember with my first girlfriend, I was leaving the home and my caregiver simply said crassly “keep it in your pants” as I closed the door on my way out for an innocent date. That was the extent of my caregivers sex-ed. talk. Of course, by that time I had already been getting on the internet for a couple of years and had seen pornographic videos of varying levels of intensity. My sexual education came in form of the internet, kid’s stories at school, an awkward conversation with my tomboy older cousin, and “keep it in your pants.”

I didn’t know what to make of it at the time. I was fascinated with all sorts of subjects, some were dark, some were taboo… I had the freedom to read about them and develop my own opinion without much adult influence otherwise. Even prior to the internet I had learned much about life from music and books. My caregiver’s son had moved out and left a mountain of old books in our basement. Some were about the occult, witchcraft, alien life, the world’s religions… I found antique pornography, I found a letter that was hand written about a woman having sex with a great dane. I rifled through boxes of possessions left behind in that old basement and found all kinds of strange things. Guns, bullets, syringes with needles, a microscope… just randomness. It was all so fascinating to a child. I began raiding the basement regularly behind my caregivers back and learning about life through dusty forgotten belongings. It was as intriguing as it was disgusting to a kid.

Eventually I converted the basement into my bedroom/apartment and was able to further hide what I was doing and learning from the world. By that time, I had a computer with dial up internet and was downloading music, videos, pornography… anything I wanted. I would leave the computer connected all night to slowly get the files I was searching for. I would also connect on AOL instant messenger and chat rooms to communicate with strangers. It was relatively limitless.

I am thankful that I never became interested in drinking or using drugs as a younger person. I could have easily figured out ways of getting anything I wanted. I actually looked down on substance abuse because I heard constant stories of substances taking my parents from me. I was more interested in figuring out how to have fun. Fun to me was loud music and destruction.

After spending countless hours scouring the internet I came across the anarchist’s cookbook at some point and learned all about making bombs, poisoning people, how to get away with crimes… all kinds of dark things. It was fascinating. I never did any of it myself luckily other than making a few explosives and using them to make craters in the fields behind my home. I was drawn into the darkness and destruction but fortunately didn’t have the desire to really go through with much of it.

As I became old enough to finally move away for college, something I decided to do on a whim, I was still pushing boundaries in my head. I spent much time thinking about why social norms and culture were odd and unnecessary rather than just trying to assimilate and be comfortable. I don’t know what made me think like that, I was frequently going against the grain just to do it I suppose.

Now as a 33-year-old man I am slowing down and phasing out my outsider’s point of view. I am trying to mentally figure out life and slip into a role that is comfortable for me. That isn’t an easy thing to do having been on the fringe for so long. Sure, I had a career, marriage, house, car… the usual suspects; but I did it my way. I jumped through the hoops of college, but I did that my way too. I remember being told “if you want to pass nursing school you’re going to need to make friends and form study groups.” I intentionally isolated and did it on my own. I did it my way and still made it through. I proved them wrong.

Academia is the perfect outlet for me. I wish I could be a perpetual student and make a living by learning. I am able to take my obsessive nature and apply it to learning. It also helps that I am prone to isolating so I don’t think much about setting down the books to spend time with other people, I simply keep obsessing. I remember times when I would read from my textbook forming my own lesson plan and completely ignoring what I was going to be tested over. This had an adverse effect on my grades but ultimately, I gained a deeper understanding of the topic than I was even intended to. It just took a little more time and effort. My GPA was never an understanding of how I could perform clinically. I didn’t care about grades or recognition by the professors, I wanted to impress those I would ultimately go on to work with. I was trying to build value in myself.

I now understand that I have OCD and a myriad of other diagnosable conditions which have made me unique. I accept them and actually embrace some of them. I have been obsessing over my mental illness lately so that I can use the positive traits of it and change some of the negatives. I am uniquely me, it does not make me broken, less of a person, or less valid. I am eccentric by some standards, but I prefer that to boring in my eyes.

So, in closing, my fondest childhood memories are those in which I bonded with my friend Brandon. He had many of the same interests that I did. We connected over exploration of mental and physical boundaries. We grew up together and found our own understanding of the complexity of the human condition. We developed goals and plans together. That was the comradery I needed to push forward. Truthfully, without him I’m not sure where I would be today, and I think he feels the same toward me. Those crucial moments of bonding early on, before we knew what culture was, before we knew what was cool, before we cared about popularity or fitting in… we had each other. Sometimes you just need a great friend in life to get you through. Never forget that and nurture your friendships.

[theconservativebrief]

One big reason that the zombie and vampire horror subgenres have persisted for so long is that they tap into a blinding, primal fear: a person you know and love might one day become something else, something unrecognizable, their heart and mind and soul colonized by some other force. In zombie movies, they become an undead shell with an appetite for brains and no ability to reason; in vampire tales, they’re transformed into a bloodthirsty demon with a seductive ability to trap others into their fate.

Beautiful Boy has little in common with zombie or vampire movies, stylistically. It’s a sensitive, harrowing family drama firmly rooted in reality, based on a pair of memoirs.

But it does channel the same visceral revulsion that powers a zombie or vampire movie, and it’s at least as horrifying. Beautiful Boy is the (true) tale of a father who finds himself increasingly helpless as his bright, charming young son transforms into an unrecognizable monster who steals from his younger siblings, lies, drags others into his drug addiction, and disappears, over and over again.

The scariest element of a zombie or vampire movie is whatever force has taken hold of a human and overpowered their humanity. In the case of Beautiful Boy, that force is a cornucopia of substances, but most primarily and dangerously meth.

There are few solutions for such a menace. Not many people come back from that brink. And Beautiful Boy doesn’t try to provide an easy answer — it simply asks us to sit alongside those who suffer and grieve.

Timothée Chalamet and Steve Carell star in Beautiful Boy as David and Nic Sheff. Amazon Studios

In 2005, journalist David Sheff wrote an article entitled “My Addicted Son” for the New York Times magazine. Its subject was Sheff’s son Nic (called Nick in the article), who had fallen prey to an all-engrossing drug addiction as a teenager. Despite many stints in rehab, Nic had recovered and relapsed, recovered and relapsed, over and over, all while his parents (who split up when he was young) alternately watched helplessly and tried to intervene.

The story ended on a hopeful note, with Nic clean and in recovery. But Sheff later expanded the New York Times article into a memoir titled Beautiful Boy, published three years later, which revealed that Nic’s recovery didn’t last. When the memoir was published, Nic had relapsed again, returned to rehab, and was again in recovery; his own memoir about his experience throughout two years of addiction, Tweak: Growing Up on Methamphetamines, was published at the same time as his father’s.

Both books were best-sellers, and they form the basis for Beautiful Boy, starring Steve Carell as David Sheff and Timothée Chalamet as Nic. (Nic, whom the film’s end titles say has been sober for eight years, eventually wrote a second book about addiction and rehab; these days, he’s a co-producer and writer on the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why.) The film is Belgian director Felix Van Groeningen’s first English-language work; he co-wrote the screenplay with Luke Davies (Lion).

Groeningen’s approach to the material is less emotionally heated than we might expect from a more typical Hollywood film about addiction; at times, it feels detached, almost dissociative. Beautiful Boy lives mostly in David’s reality as he watches Nic and tries to intervene, while also remembering his relationship with his son when he was younger, before drugs entered the picture.

Timothée Chalamet and Amy Ryan star in Beautiful Boy. Francois Duhamel / Amazon Studios

The narrative jumps back and forth, feeling dreamlike at times, between David’s memories of an innocent, cheerful younger Nic and a volatile present Nic, in and out of rehab. When Nic was young, David and Nic’s mother Vicki (Amy Ryan) divorced; when he was in elementary school, David married Karen (Maura Tierney), and they eventually had two children, whom Nic loved.

Nic also loved to write and draw and play sports, but as he drew deeper into addiction, those things faded away for him, replaced only by the drive to acquire drugs or money to buy drugs. (While David Sheff’s memoirs detail how Nic’s addictions began — experimentation with pot in middle school — the movie doesn’t dwell on this part of the story.)

It gradually becomes clear that the meth has systematically destroyed not just Nic’s ability to concentrate but his personality and mental capacity, and David is desperate to figure out what he can do to save his son. The answer is not an easy one for him to accept.

I’ve had a hard time deciding how to feel about Beautiful Boy. It is certainly a well-made film. Carell and Chalamet are unsurprisingly stellar, as are Ryan and Tierney. Chalamet gets a chance he hasn’t yet had to play a character who comes apart at the seams before our eyes, and he has plenty of range; he’s a warm, funny, goofy teenager but also a grenade that only needs a pin pulled to explode, all at once. It’s hard to imagine most actors of his generation pulling off the role of Nic as well as he does.

And the details in Beautiful Boy follow the same broad strokes as those outlined in both David and Nic Sheff’s memoirs, though some of them have been understandably smoothed out to make the cyclical addiction-recovery-addiction-recovery chain easier to track within the span of a two-hour movie.

In fact, the repetitive nature of that cycle — and the helplessness that it engenders in David, Karen, and Vicki as parents struggling to navigate a mountain of specialists and advice to figure out what to do — is the true subject of Beautiful Boy. The movie is less interested in the details of addiction and more in helping the audience feel trapped on the same treadmill of despair that David in particular does.

Groeningen’s visual sense feels influenced by European filmmaking, with images intercut with action and not much emphasis on exposition for the audience; that keeps the movie feeling fresh and unexpected, especially given its characters are played by familiar Hollywood stars.

Beautiful Boy captures the pain of dealing with a child’s addiction, balancing support with tough love. Amazon Studios

But some aspects of Beautiful Boy also nudged my eyebrow up a few notches. A couple of musical cues — particularly the use of Fiddler on the Roof’s “Sunrise, Sunset” in one emotionally wrought montage — feel heavy-handed, as if we have to be told how to feel even after we’ve spent so long with these characters.

Most of the film is set in and around David’s idyllic home north of San Francisco, which appears to have been almost unrelentingly shot around the golden hour, meaning it’s suffused with a feeling of paradise that feels a little obviously metaphorical in contrast with the dank downtown corners where Nic keeps turning up.

Those moments wouldn’t be as out-of-place in the more self-consciously mawkish film that lurks around the corners of this material. And to his credit, Groeningen mostly stays at arm’s length from his characters’ mental and emotional states — but that’s why these moments feel confusing and unnecessary, a dose of jarring sentimentality when it’s not needed. What this family goes through is enough.

And what they experience is the horror of seeing a loved one taken over by an alien force that everyone, including Nic, seems helpless to fight against. Doctors can’t help him. Counselors can’t help him. He certainly can’t help himself, and his parents can’t either. Even when he gets clean and enters recovery, that force is snarling just out of frame, ready to snatch him up once again.

That’s why the toughest hurdle for a movie like Beautiful Boy is simply that you can’t really enjoy watching it. It is a horror film without the cathartic feeling of emotional release that comes along with most horror.

Instead, Beautiful Boy is a beautifully made and complex rendering of a father and son’s relationship that ends with too little hope to fit into people’s “inspirational movie” box. But at its best, it’s a strong rendering of both that horror and the frayed rays of hope that sometimes break through. It’s not easy to watch, but it is, in its own way, still beautiful.

Beautiful Boy opens in theaters on October 12.

Original Source -> Steve Carell and Timothée Chalamet battle meth addiction in the harrowing Beautiful Boy

via The Conservative Brief

[kidsviral-blog]

The Funniest Woman In Hollywood Is In Search Of Her Next Big Role

New Post has been published on https://kidsviral.info/the-funniest-woman-in-hollywood-is-in-search-of-her-next-big-role/

The Funniest Woman In Hollywood Is In Search Of Her Next Big Role

As Season 10 of It’s Always Sunny gears up, Olson looks ahead to what a life after Sweet Dee would be like. “Sometimes I’m like, Oh well, they just wanted a young pretty person, rather than a funny person.”

Kaitlin Olson is hating having her picture taken right now. The 39-year-old star of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia doesn’t say this out loud, but it’s not hard to tell that she is deeply, deeply uncomfortable — though she’s nowhere near as awkward in her own skin as her character Sweet Dee, a caustic and narcissistic would-be thespian, on the FX (and now FXX) cult comedy. “Could you play a bit with the tree?” the photographer gently asks her.

It’s an unusually warm Friday afternoon, and Olson is standing in the backyard of her contemporary Sherman Oaks home. The lawn is sprawling, with a trampoline on one end and a pool at the other; toy cars and pint-sized seats, the cast-offs of her two young children, litter one corner. A stylist fixes Olson’s hair as she begrudgingly twists her fingers through the tree’s branches. “Just hanging out, touching my tree,” Olson says out loud, to no one in particular. “You like photo shoots? It’s pretty great, standing by yourself, taking photos.”

For a seasoned actor like Olson — who’s been working consistently for the past 15 years in comedy roles, turning up on Curb Your Enthusiasm as Becky, Cheryl’s loud and opinionated sister; as Mimi’s vengeful nemesis, Traylor, on The Drew Carey Show; and currently on New Girl as the free-spirited girlfriend of Jess’ dad — it’s surprising that she’s not used to the being the center of attention by now. But she’s decidedly not.

The truth is, though, that Olson feeling anxious about this interview and photo shoot is entirely understandable. She’s heading into a 10th season of Sunny, and while that’s a place any actor would envy being in, she’s also arriving at a crossroads in her career. As Sunny begins to wind down, Olson will soon be leaving a show on which she’s been a linchpin for 10 years, and will have to look around the corner to see what lies ahead for her career.

“Could you maybe relax your shoulders a bit more?” the photographer asks her, trying a different tack. “I don’t know,” Olson says, laughing at the word relaxed, “because I’m definitely not.”

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Photograph by Macey Foronda for BuzzFeed

The biggest role in Olson’s career to date remains the 10 years she’s spent on Sunny as Deandra “Sweet Dee” Reynolds, a horrifying example of a human whose self-centered streak is often a driving force in the storyline. Such as in the Season 8 episode “The Gang Gets Analyzed,” when Dee’s therapist calls her out for lying about being the first choice as the female lead in The Notebook, and the episode ends with Dee repeating, “Tell me I’m good,” until her therapist finally relents. Or in a third season installment, “Dennis and Dee’s Mom Is Dead,” when Dee hears from a lawyer that she won’t be getting any inheritance, because she was “a mistake” (despite being Dennis’ twin), and her knee-jerk reaction is to dig up the grave so she can steal the jewelry off her mother’s dead body. But rather than be repulsed by her character’s more detestable nature, Olson has been able to connect with Dee.

“I can’t tell if I relate to her anymore or if I’m just so used to playing her and love her so much that it’s second nature,” Olson says. With the photographer and stylists gone, Olson finally seems more at ease, sitting at a long wooden outdoor table in her backyard and tucking her legs into her chest. “There’s a certain element of desperation and wanting people to like you… I was really shy. But I think because that was so sad for me when I was little, that it’s so hilarious and sad now, that I relate to that. I like this character’s way of handling it, way more than how I handled it. Which is, like, aggressively and angrily. Maybe it’s cathartic. I don’t know.”

“I was really proud to make Larry [David] laugh. The more I would yell at him the more he would laugh.”

And Olson not only relates to the idea of needing to fit in, but it’s something that’s apparent just from talking to Olson. Often she’ll end sentences with “I don’t know,” like she’s trying to take back what she just said in case you don’t like it. Several times, she stops herself from answering a question with “I don’t know if I can answer that question. I don’t want you to print anything I have to say,” or “I don’t know how to answer that, again, without having it in print sound like I’m being a real arrogant asshole.” Refusing to answer tough questions about Hollywood and her role in it proves doubly problematic though, and she softens the blow by pointing at the recorder and saying, “I’ll tell you when your thing’s off.”

That need to be liked started long before Olson made it to Hollywood, and it’s what initially led her to start performing. Olson grew up in perhaps the most un-Hollywood setting — on a six-acre farm in Oregon. Olson says her mom would whistle when it was time for dinner, and if you wanted a snack, you just ate out of the garden.

“Nobody was an actor,” Olson says of her family. “I started doing summer camp stuff in elementary school and loved doing the plays. I liked making people laugh. I remember that specifically, being really young and having my parents being in the audience and laughing. It wasn’t really a Oh, I’m the center of attention feeling, it was more Oh, I’m making them so happy right now feeling. I liked that.”

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Olson — with Julie Payne, Cheryl Hines, and Paul Dooley — rails at Larry (Larry David) on Curb Your Enthusiasm HBO

That sense of accomplishment — of making someone happy — is what drove her to attend the University of Oregon and major in acting, and it’s what would eventually take her to Los Angeles to fully commit to her vocation. “I thought it was beautiful. It was so sunny. It’s so cloudy and gray and rainy in Oregon,” Olson says of moving to Los Angeles. “I didn’t understand how anyone could ever be sad or depressed here. It was so beautiful.”

She took classes at The Groundlings and eventually made it into the Sunday company. To support herself, Olson worked three jobs: as a recruiter for a biotech company; as a receptionist in a hair salon; and as a salesperson at a boutique shop. “I worked hard,” Olson says. That determination paid off when she landed an audition for Larry David’s HBO comedy Curb Your Enthusiasm. “I’m not the ballsiest person, so I was very proud of myself for getting it,” Olson says. “I was really proud to make Larry laugh. The more I would yell at him the more he would laugh. Which was really fantastic. I loved that.”

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Patrick McElhenney/©FXX / courtesy Everett Collection

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia originally started as a “writing exercise,” according to Rob McElhenney, who made a $200 homemade video pilot with Charlie Day and Glenn Howerton in an apartment. That pilot then sold to FX in 2005, and was given a budget of $400,000, less than a third of the cost of a traditional network comedy. It was shot with the caveat that they’d need to reframe the original storyline from being centered on three actors in Los Angeles to a group of friends who tend bar in Philly.

According to Howerton, one of the show’s executive producers, who also plays Sweet Dee’s twin brother, Dennis Reynolds, on the show, Olson came up against some stiff competition for the role of the hilariously vulnerable Dee; the final two actors considered were Olson and Kristen Wiig, according to Howerton, but in the end Olson landed it. (Wiig’s publicist did not respond to multiple requests for comment.)

“I knew her work from seeing her in Curb,” Howerton tells BuzzFeed News. “We wanted to find somebody who could be as funny as the guys, and we felt a lot of times in comedies, girls are so often relegated to the ‘oh, you guys’ role.”

Day, who fans know best as the ever-screaming and always emotionally unstable Charlie Kelly, echoes the sentiment that casting Olson was a no-brainer.

“We were blown away by how funny she was,” says Day. “I can’t think of an overall impression other than our general excitement that we found someone who was really right for this part.”

Oddly enough, it was McElhenney — to whom Olson is now married — who was less than convinced about her. During the audition, Olson accidentally left out a critical line in the script they’d given her, and McElhenney was nonplussed, to say the least.

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Howerton and Olson in an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia FX

“I left the room and Rob was like, How did she leave out the funniest line that was in there? and he didn’t want to cast me,” Olson says. “Rob, who I’ve now married, had to be talked into hiring me.”

The first time Olson and McElhenney met was during her audition, and despite any apprehension he had, she was cast as Dee, and the show premiered in 2005. Somewhere during filming Season 2, the pair started dating, though they wouldn’t officially come out as a couple until the show’s third season.

“Literally, the stupidest thing you can do in the entertainment industry is start dating your co-star on a television series that’s expected to continue,” McElhenney says in a phone interview. “Potentially, we could’ve ruined the dynamic of the TV series, but we jumped in anyway. I guess because I started to fall in love with her.” His voice softens as he says it.

They married in 2008 and have two sons, Axel (age four) and Leo (age two).

Mary Elizabeth Ellis, who plays The Waitress on Sunny and is married to Charlie Day in real life, first met Olson when they were on a flight to shoot the pilot. “The guys flew to Philly early, and I flew on a flight with Kaitlin,” Ellis explains. “We had a lot of cocktails together and were like, OK, you’re great, we’re going to be best friends.”

Ellis vividly remembers the moment when she found out Olson and McElhenney were dating. It was during a press junket, and they all sat down in a hotel room. “They were like, ‘We have something to tell you guys,’ and Kaitlin just starts crying and says, ‘I love him. I love him so much, you guys. He’s such a great person. We don’t want you guys to be mad at us because we’re dating and on the show,’” Ellis says, laughing. “It just made us laugh so hard, because it was such a funny way to reveal that they were dating for the first time. They’re just so great together.”

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Patrick McElhenney/FX

None of this would have happened if Olson had chosen not to take the role of Sweet Dee, which she considered in those early days.

The character was written as the typical straight man, which Olson had no interest in playing. “There were three episodes that were already written that I had to do that were just very like, ‘You guys. Come on, you guys. That’s stupid, you guys,’” Olson says. “But I was very clear about not wanting to do that.” (“I don’t think we did a great job writing her character the first season,” Howerton says.)

It speaks to Olson’s character that she wasn’t willing to just simply lay down and read the lines she was dealt; she took an active role in shaping the character and how she wanted to play Dee. “She pulled Rob aside, because he was the showrunner, and said she didn’t want to do the show if her character wasn’t funny,” Howerton says.

Olson only took the role after many conversations with McElhenney about how the character of Dee would be shaped. “He was like, ‘Look, we just don’t know how to write for a woman, but we’ll figure it out,’” Olson says. “And I was like, ‘Well then, don’t write for a woman. Just write — look at all these great funny characters you wrote. Just write one of those. I’ll make it female.’”

Despite initial character setbacks, the Dee of the past nine seasons is hilarious, and the most physically comedic role on the show. (Witness her free-form dance moves.) Dee’s actions don’t fall victim to the conventions usually dealt to women in comedy. Dee was Bridesmaids before there even was a Bridesmaids. She is crude beyond belief at times. She flails her arms and spits venomous, half-baked threats at anyone within earshot. She falls — a lot — and fake-vomits so convincingly that it’s become a running gag on the show. “I’ve never heard somebody do a gag so funny,” Howerton says. “You know, suppressing puke, it’s just a weird gift she has.”

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Olson runs head-first into a parked car on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia FX

In the second season episode “Charlie Gets Crippled,” Olson wears a back brace and hobbles on crutches as she drags her legs behind her. In “Who Pooped The Bed?” she runs out of a shoe store in stilettos and slams headfirst into a car so hard that there’s a dent, a stunt Olson performed without a stunt double.

“We had a stuntwoman do it, and it didn’t look very real, and then Kaitlin did it, and actually ran into the car, probably almost breaking her neck,” Day says with a laugh. “It’s just one of the funniest moments of physical comedy I think in the history of the show.”

Olson furrows her brows as she stares across the lawn. “I don’t want the stunt double to do it, unless it’s like a quick thing, because that’s part of the acting. I want to do that,” she says. “There’s a lot of acting that happens in between the running out and the head-hitting.”

The only problem is that Olson is extremely clumsy. “If there is a tack on the floor, she will step on it,” Howerton says. During the filming of Sunny, Olson has broken her back, her foot, her heel, and while on set, she fell through a floorboard and ripped her calf open on a metal spike.

“Our idea of Dee was not as physical as Kaitlin is,” McElhenney says. “It’s something we sort of found with the way she carries herself.”

Olson sighs. “I’m very long,” she says. “I’m very unaware of how long my limbs are and I bash into things a lot, and Rob makes fun of me a lot… I’ll do something and Rob will tell me to do it again and I didn’t even know it was funny.”

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Photograph by Macey Foronda for BuzzFeed

Olson is, as Howerton says, nothing like her Sweet Dee character, though fans of the show often have a hard time accepting that. “They assume I’m drunk and loud and that I want to do shots and stay up all night,” she says, laughing.

The home that Olson shares with McElhenney is immaculate, despite the fact that they have two children under the age of four. When her youngest, Leo, comes home from school, her entire face lights up and she wraps him in a warm hug before excusing herself to put him down for a nap. And an ideal Friday evening is one spent at home, according to both Olson and McElhenney. “A perfect night is coming home, having dinner, putting the kids to bed, and opening a bottle of wine and watching Game of Thrones,” McElhenney says.

Olson is often described by those who know her as nurturing and protective — “I think of her as a lioness,” McElhenney says. “She’s extremely protective of her children, like I fear oftentimes for my life if I cross a line. I’m afraid she’s going to snap my fucking neck. The way a female lion might with her cubs.” — very un-Dee qualities. She was “raised by hippies” in Oregon (McElhenney’s words) and cooks organic food, grows herbs in her garden, and uses homeopathic remedies.

“My motherhood life is sort of private … it’s so special to me I don’t want it attacked or to have that part be annoying to people.”

“She’ll pick something from the garden to heal a wound and it will magically disappear,” her friend and fellow actor Tricia O’Kelley (of Gilmore Girls and Devious Maids) says. Day: “In the 10 years that we’ve been doing [the show], I don’t think I’ve ever seen her get a cold. That’s quite an accomplishment.”

Her weakness is watching any of the Real Housewives shows, and she says that if she ever does get time to relax, she’ll check into a hotel nearby to “literally just order room service with a girlfriend and get massages and drink wine and watch Bravo.”

And because her private life is so starkly different from her television persona, she tends to keep it under wraps. “I feel like people only want to hear me say funny things. Like, I don’t tweet about my kids or being a mom ever, because I’m very aware that that’s annoying for people to hear,” Olson says. “So everything is true, but I just feel like my motherhood life is sort of private, because it’s so special to me I don’t want it attacked or to have that part be annoying to people.”

And everyone around Olson mentions how her role as a mother is an enormous part of her identity. “Motherhood has changed her a lot for sure, it’s by far her number one priority is those children,” O’Kelley says. “Everything else comes in a distant second. Her family as a whole — Rob, their marriage — her family is her priority.”

When asked what he sees as being next for Olson, her husband agrees that while her career is a priority, family will always come first for them. “She would love to build out a movie career and see what’s next in television,” McElhenney says. “But I do know the thing that’s most important to her now is to make sure these boys are raised well.”

Olson concurs. “Parenthood has become number one,” she says. “So I’ll only take something if it fits in, and if it doesn’t interfere with my ability to be a good mom. And that’s the truth and that’s how it will always be, because I feel that.”

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Photograph by Macey Foronda for BuzzFeed

Motherhood might be Olson’s priority at this point, but acting is a very real and large part of her world. “I would love to do more film,” she says at one point. “I really like TV, but yeah, in the interests of doing something different I would love to do more films.” She pulls at her silk shirt. “I’m not having any more babies. I want to work.”

In a year when Time named 2014 the “Best Year for Women Since the Dawn of Time,” it’s still a year where female-led comedy shows like Selfie, Super Fun Night, and Trophy Wife were canceled. And a year in which the most anticipated female-driven comedies — Tammy, Obvious Child, and They Came Together — made a very small dent in the film landscape. Obvious Child grossed just $3.1 million at the box office, and They Came Together grossed under $1 million. While Tammy was a financial success, making close to $100 million at the box office, if you compare that to male-driven buddy comedies like 22 Jump Street (which grossed close to $200 million), there seems to be a disconnect between what Hollywood is offering and what Americans are seeing.

“Look, I’m never going to understand what Middle America wants, because I’m on a show that Middle America doesn’t necessarily like, but I think is really funny,” Olson says, wrapping her arms across her chest. “I think there’s definitely a shift, and no one’s funnier than Melissa McCarthy and she’s doing really well, you know, so hopefully.”

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Sasha Roiz and Olson on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia FX

Whether or not middle America likes Sunny or Olson, there does seem to be a shift happening. Ellen DeGeneres hosting the 2014 Oscars led to an 8% increase in viewership, and Tina Fey and Amy Poehler have hosted the Golden Globes for the past three years, but is that enough? “For sure, there’s not enough funny roles for women in Hollywood, period,” Howerton says. “I’m happy to say that we personally — in Sunny and other things that we’re working on and have written — always try to make it a priority to write funny female roles.”

Even if what Olson and Howerton say is true — that Middle America doesn’t like the kind of comedy Olson wants to do, and there aren’t enough comedic roles for women in general — what does that mean for Olson as she leaves Sunny to explore other roles? Where do you go when the film and television landscape isn’t in your favor?

Olson doesn’t seem entirely sure, other than that she’d like to try out a character who isn’t quite so heightened and extreme as Dee. “I don’t know that I want to do something super dramatic. Our show and our characters are so heightened; I would like to do a more realistic person, who’s going through something really hard, but deals with it in a humorous way,” she says. But at the moment, those aren’t the parts she’s being offered.

“What I get a lot of is ‘We know you can make this funny.’ Stuff that’s like, it’s OK, but then I’m supposed to make it funny,” Olson says. “It’s a great compliment… But I don’t know if I’m interested in taking something that’s OK and being the one that’s responsible for making it funny.”

“I think a lot of men are scared to act opposite a woman who is as funny as they are.”

When asked why she thinks she hasn’t been offered more roles at this point, Olson says, “Sometimes I’m like, oh well, they just wanted a young pretty person, rather than a funny person. That’s discouraging, because there’s nothing I can do about that.” Olson pauses, and then softens the blow with, “I love my job. I got really lucky. I love my character and this circumstance, but it is a little confusing why, in my off time, I’m not doing more. I can’t really blame it on ‘oh well, I’m pregnant’ anymore.”

The actors who have worked with Olson know what she’s capable of, and vehemently speak of her potential. “I’m pissed off at the world that she’s not a giant movie star,” Ellis says of Olson. “I just think she has so much to offer: She’s a great comedian but she’s also a great actress.”

For his part Howerton offered his own take. “I just think it’s a shame that she hasn’t been more recognized, and that more roles have not been thrown at her. I think a lot of men are scared to act opposite a woman who is as funny as they are, and who will give them a run for their money for being the funniest person in that project,” he says. “And I think a lot of times she doesn’t get cast in things because she’s so funny, and I think that’s fucked up.”

When asked if this was at all true, Olson appears hesitant to answer and seems borderline uncomfortable. She pauses before responding. “I hope not, but I feel like that’s happened a few times. I just hope that, if it is true, it starts to shift soon. Because it’s a shame. I don’t know if I can answer that question. I don’t want you to print anything I have to say.”

After a long pause — where she leans across the table, then sits back and re-tucks her legs into her chest — she says, “Yeah, I just, I love Glenn for saying that and for recognizing it, and, well, you know, Rob says all the time, he’s like, ‘Look. That must not be what America wants because if it were, you’d see more of it.’ People, women, want to see women being pleasant. But for some reason, we want to see men be really funny. I think that’s starting to change, you know, ever since Bridesmaids really. So that’s really awesome. I think that’s the part that I’ll focus on and just hang in there.”

During a time where Olson does have to consider and weigh every word she says, because those words could lead to her next big role or prevent her from landing it, it’s clear that she’s nervous about it all — about posing with the tree, how she’ll be perceived by viewers, and what people think of her, and wanting to be liked by an audience larger than the one she’s cultivated with Sunny. “I hope it’s not threatening for me to be as funny as I can be and work with a really funny man,” she says emphatically, straightening her posture and finally relaxing. “To me, that sounds like an amazing movie.”

Read more: http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/kaitlin-olson-its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia