#he's a reflection of my own trauma at this point because I too lost a dear friend of mine in an accident

[erika-xero]

REPOSTOBER, day 22: the Champion of Cyrodiil (2015-2017)

TW! this post has some TES-headcanons which might not be everyone's cup of tea, but please, don't judge a woman by her headcanons lmao

Here he is, my weird lil man. His mom worshipped Mephala and almost sacrifised her own newborn child to the Ebony Blade, but his father managed to steal the baby and hide him in Skyrim. Cero was raised in the orphanage (YES, THAT Orphanage) being bullied by the nord children for being, well, an elf. Many years later, Cero became a gladiator in the Imperial City Arena, and this is pretty much where his story begins.

He starts off as a man, who kill people for money at the start of the game, and being an assassin for the Dark Brotherhood doesn't seem any difference, so he joins in.

Lucien, being the one who brought him into the family, fascinates him. Cero soon develops feelings towards the Speaker, which he describes like some sort of a spiritual bond. He can't fully express what exactly he feels (because he is being in denial), so he keeps his feelings to himself, before it is too late.

This was a breaking point for Cero, who was already traumatized by the Purification, so he cut his ties with Dark Brotherhood and excapes, using the chaos of the Oblivion Crisis. After the series of unfortunate events he becomes the one, who carried the Amulet of Kings and the one, who saved Martin in Kvatch. They soon become friends and Martin is the one who actually tries to make Cero a better person. And then Martin dies too.

Being ceverely depressed and traumatized by losing all the people he loved and who were actually nice to him in a quite short period of time, Cero starts drowning himself in alcohol. And at that very moment, the Dark Brotherhood finally show up and capture the man and take him to Bravil for a trial. He manages to excape. And this is when the Shivering Isles storyline begins.

I wrote a bunch of fics (in russian) about Cero in the Shivering Isles, and in my AU he is literally possessed by Sheogorath who takes over his body and desperately try to fight back, and the main antagonist of the story is Haskill, who does everything so that Cero would lose himself and all his memories forever.

Eventually, he manages to take control of his own body for a few times, and one of them happened during the Skyrim timeline:

His body changed over time, he starts looking less than himself and more like Sheogorath: his hair and eyes gone white, his skin became pale and rosy, but he never actually ended up looking the way Haskill wanted him to look. Somewhere after the Skyrim timeline his former self gets in control of his body again and gets in a fight with Haskill. Cero uses the sword of Jyggalag to snap the Staff of Sheogorath in two parts and finally breaks free. He's memory is wague, his feelings are all messed up and he barely understand what is happening, the only thing that keeps him going is his lust for freedom. And this is the point when the events of my Champion/Nerevarine AU begin. Small bonus for everyone, who read it this far: Cero as Jyggalag.

And Cero with his lover - my Nerevarine Raelin, who was the first person he encountered when he finally broke free from the Shivering Isles, and the person who helped him regain all of his memories (she's also probably the only person in the universe who can handle this firce lil man).

And yes, Cero is actually his father's surname. The champion has a name, but the only person who knew his name was Martin.

[veganineden]

On the Evolution of “Happily Ever After” and Why “Nothing Lasts Forever”

A reflection inspired by Good Omens 2

One of my favorite Tumblr posts on the second season of Good Omens 2 was actually not about the series at all, but our reaction to it, primarily the ending. @zehwulf wrote, “I think a lot of us—myself included—got a little too comfortable with assuming [Aziraphale and Crowley would] work on their issues right away post-Armageddon.” We did the work for them through meta, fanfiction, fanart, and building a plethora of headcanons. Who among us AO3-surfing fans didn’t read and love Demonology and the Tri-Phasic Model of Trauma: An Integrative Approach by Nnm?

In the 4 long years since season one was released, we did more than seek to understand and repair rifts between two fictional beings: we were forced to reckon with ourselves too. We faced a global pandemic, suffered traumatizing losses and isolation, and were forced to really and truly look into the face of our atrocities-ridden and capitalistic world. The mainstream rise of Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and Justice work, and our participation in this work, showed us that the systems in place were built to oppress and harm most of us, and they are. 

So, what does this have to do with the evolution of “happily ever after”? 

My friend put it best in a conversation we had following the season finale, when she pointed out a shift in media focus. The “happy end” in old stories about wars and kingdoms used to be “we killed the evil old king and put a noble young king in his place and now citizens can live in peace” and we’re transitioning into a period of “we tore down the whole fucking monarchy.” 

If we look at season one, written to follow the beats of a love story, it comforted us by offering a pretty traditional happy ending pattern: you get your fancy dinner with your special someone, the romantic music plays, and you have a place to call your own. Season one’s finale provided a temporary freedom for Aziraphale and Crowley, the “breathing room,” but it didn't solve the problem that was Heaven and Hell, or the agendas belonging to those systems of oppression. 

Is it good enough to keep our heads down, pretend the bad stuff isn’t happening, and live our own personal happy endings until we die? Moral quandaries aside, if you don't die (or if you care about the generations after you), then, like Aziraphale said, it “can’t last forever.” There’s a clear unpleasant end to the “happily ever after” that’s based on ignoring our problems– it’s the destruction of our relationships, and humanity. 

Ineffable Bureaucracy can go off into the stars because they do not care about humanity. 

You know who does?

Aziraphale. 

And Aziraphale knows that Crowley cares about humanity too. (He knows because Crowley was the one who proposed sabotaging Armageddon in the first place, who only invited him to the stars when he thought all was lost, because Crowley would save humanity if he thought it was possible, and Aziraphale knows Crowley has survived losing Everything before, and he will do all in his power so that Crowley does not need to experience that again.) 

In season one and two, we see how much they care about humanity, beyond their orders, to the point The Systems begin to frown at them. Aziraphale hears Crowley’s offer to run away together in the final episode of season two, to leave Earth behind, and just like the first time that offer was made in season one, he declines. He knows choosing only “us” is not a choice either of them can live with for the rest of eternity.

I believe season 3 will provide an opportunity to “dismantle the system,” but I don’t know how it will play out. I worry that Aziraphale has put himself in the now-dead trope of the “young noble king.” (I wish Crowley had told him why Gabriel was dismissed from his duties.) I worry that he would martyr himself as a sole agent for change. I worry that he doesn’t actually know how to dismantle anything by himself: because you can’t. He needs Crowley. He DOES. He needs Crowley, and Muriel, and other angels and demons and humans without fixed mindsets to help him. Only by learning to listen and making room at the table for all can they (and we) move past personal satisfaction to collective liberation. 

Crowley was right when he said that Aziraphale had discovered his “civic obligations.”

So, I think we will get our modern-day happy ending– and it’s going to involve a lot of pain and discomfort, communication, healing and teamwork– and in the end, it’ll all be okay. There will be a time for rest and a time for “us.” 

And most likely a cottage. 

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

 - Maya Angelou

Support the SAG-AFTRA strike and other unions. Trust @neil-gaiman. Register to vote if you haven’t yet. Hold yourself and others accountable with compassion. Read books. Keep doing the work. Rest. Then watch Good Omens 2 again.  

[lina-studen]

"something floral": literature student blabbering about the usage of flower symbolism in "nevermore", how it ties to the theme of insanity and a little bit (a lot) about shakespeare.

from lenore's perspective, flowers are closely associated with isolation caused by her trauma and supposed "hysteria". floral pattern wallpaper accompanied her loneliness for days, months, even years. image of the flowers signaled that lenore's position would remain unchanged, that she was stuck, that she would continue to slowly loosing the clarity of her mind.

having torn the wallpaper off the walls, lenore believes that she will never see this image again, but flowers continue to accompanying her. lenore sees them again during her first meeting with annabel lee. and during the last one, too. she may have managed to get out of her lonely room, gain more strength in her legs, find a new friend, but lenore is still trapped. she's the daughter disowned by her parents, a stain on the family reputation that must be hidden forever. the image of flowers doesn't let her forget about it.

similar symbolism is also not alien to annabel lee. episode 66 is interesting in particular, because it directly quotes ophelia's monologue. I'm a big fan of shakespeare, it was he who instilled in me an interest in floral symbolism. a year ago, for a conference on foreign literature, I wrote an article about flower language of "hamlet". it's not available in english, but I'll list down some points that I considered relevant regarding "nevermore".

• rosemary can serve as a keepsake between lovers and also between the dead and the living. it could be seen at both weddings and funerals. in the old days it was also believed to be helpful in mental illnesses treatment.

• pansies, just like violets, symbolize innocence and devotion. ophelia doesn't consider the people around her worthy of violets, since she blames them for the death of her father.

• rue is a symbol of eternal suffering; grieving over her murdered father and the loss of her beloved hamlet, ophelia leaves some of the flowers for herself.

• the image of daisies has a close connection with the concepts of innocence, fidelity and eternal love. in shakespeare's tragedy, this symbol is overshadowed by the fact that in the world around ophelia there's no place for these beautiful things. for "nevermore" the symbol is also not so positive, since the readers are already familiar with daisies. they were on that wallpaper in lenore's room.

it's impossible not to note that annabel lee recites the monologue while in the bath, in the water. ophelia decides not to resist the river flow. her life turned into a tragedy: she was left without a father, her lover has seemingly lost his mind. her own sanity is also called into question. ophelia sings cryptic songs, goes into the field to weave a wreath, gives flowers to other characters. in the eyes of those around them, hamlet and ophelia seem crazy, while being the only sane and honest people among them. there's no place for tender, innocent ophelia in a cruel, deceitful world, so she drowns.

annabel lee also reflects on how both she and lenore are considered madwomen. her meeting with "leo" is accompanied by floral pattern on the annabel's dress. their madness is contextual, they both are perfectly sane, but don't fit into the system that could be leading to real madness with time. "all madwomen die twice. at least twice".

now about the arboretum. it obviously has a lot of flowers, but in my opinion this place is interesting in a different context. lenore and annabel visited the arboretum twice to discuss upcoming plans and such, and there are many parallels, both visual and narrative. not much time has passed since last time, but their situation has changed. they seem to look on their past selves from the upper level, having their conflict more acute now. I'll make a more detailed post about it later.

and now I'll just focus on how the characters in this arboretum full of roses behave as lost and confused as in the phobia-inducing flower labyrinth from earlier episodes. “the closer you get to beautiful flowers, the closer you get to their thorns,” says duke in episode 38. the flower imagery haunting the main characters doesn't let them forget that their sanity is always on a verge of slipping. and once a flower falls from its stem, it cannot be fixed.

p.s. guess which writer’s works I chose for a new article this year?

[celaenaeiln]

Absolutely agree with your post. My friend once told me something like “it’s interesting to see how there are a lot of narratives within dick grayson’s stories that can be read as metaphors of rejection of someone’s autonomy—which is many times it happens towards/explored in female characters, e.g the robin mantle being ‘ripped away’ from him without his consent, his should have been ‘fate’ as talon, a tool for CoO” and when you add it with his canonical SA and the many times he gets objectified, another thing that media throughout the times write happened to/explored in female characters, it further cements the point of him occupying the (traditional) female character role.

OG post in reference

Thank you!!! Those are all excellent points to bring up!

You guys did a fantastic job of identifying core examples of where Dick is written for the female role. Every time I read him, I'm amazed time and time again how beautifully DC has written him. He's undeniably written as a man but he's unique in the way his characteristics overwhelmingly reflect typical female personality traits and his entire life story is written as if he were a woman. The relationships he has with people, he always subtly ends up in the female role.

Take the scene of him being objectified -

JLA/Titans Issue #3

This is exactly what it's like to be catcalled.

It's humiliating, uncomfortable, and scary. It needs to be addressed.

But here's where I oppose fandom's view on this. Fandom basically blames DC for scenarios like this where Dick is being harassed by other characters for his beauty or suggesting that Dick somehow encourages this behavior, but I think we should restructure our outlook.

Dick being objectified should be considered as one of his trauma's like his SA is. Like the way Jason death affected him, Stephanie's death affected her, or the way Tim's depression did him, Dick's constant sexual objectification should be analyzed as part of canon problem because it's relates to once again to how women feel in these exact situations. Note the way he is uncomfortable - the writers know what they're doing. They know it's wrong and if they're bringing up his reluctance time and time again, then this should be explored not as a fault of DC but as a problem he's forced to face.

DC uses Dick as a soundboard to broadcast the issues women face in a way that wouldn't be as problematic as if they did with other major female characters. Because doing such things to female characters is a little too political for a comic book and a corporate company so they take liberties through Dick instead. Some of the times they've written him seem intentional and other times it seems unintentional, but even with the way the later is written, it's because they're following Dick's standard characterization which was written to be the balance between men and women.

Another major, MAJOR point you bring up is autonomy.

Autonomy is the essence of his character.

Quick definition: autonomy is the right to self-govern. This means you're in control of your own actions, beliefs, and HERE IT IS - Freedom to do what you wish to.

From the moment Dick and Bruce started fighting, the problem with their relationship boiled down to one thing and one thing only. Freedom.

Given my other Bruce and Dick posts, I've mentioned how Bruce felt an increasing need for control over Dick while Dick felt increasingly furious at his freedom being taken away.

Even Azrael when he lost it for a moment. Batman!Dick

Batman (1940) Issue #709

Another point: For Bruce, all his enemies want him to break. They want him to turn evil but for Dick's, his enemies always want to him to follow them.

Yet the fact that Dick faces all this and continually fights this - he's girlbossing so hard.

That's why I like Dick so much. He breaks the gender roles. Because breaking gender roles isn't just painting your nails pink and saying you respect women. No. It means playing the traditional role of men and women both.

A man's typical role is strength, power, and competitiveness.

A woman's typical role is vulnerability, empathy, and intutition.

But Dick? Dick is one of the strongest fighters in all of DC, he's considered the best leader, and he's so brilliant he always wins his fights. But at the same time, he cries when he's heartbroken. He cares for children that aren't his own and citizens he doesn't know. He anticipates the emotions of his family and friends and loves them for who they are.

That's also a core difference between Bruce's treatment of the batfamily vs Dick's. Where Bruce rages at their disobedience and differences, Dick accepts them and encourages them. Another why Bruce is viewed as the father role of the family while Dick is viewed in the mother context. Evidence of this is pretty clear in Red Robin Issues #23 - 26 with the way Dick treats Tim vs the way Bruce treats him.

DC made Dick pretty on purpose and they wrote him like a woman on purpose while building him up as a man.

I'll iterate agin, he was built to fight male toxic masculinity and we should be looking at him through those lens. He's a complex, deep character that was meant to break gender roles by embodying both male and female characteristics and that's beauty of him.

[fastcardotmp3]

Oh would you so kindly expand on your Murray/that plotline™ thoughts? Btw I didn't remember it as a cheating situation but since it's been so long since watching that season i was taking other people's word for it. And yeah i don't think Murray did anything even if it was. like he didn't make them have sex.

I started to type out an answer to this ask, forgot to save it as a draft, and lost all of my thoughts, so apologies if this is a little disjointed but! I will do my best to give my thoughts coherently <3

I really do think the Murray thing is maybe a mischaracterization of his intentions, but also not the thing I care most about when it comes to narratives that deal with Steve/Nancy/Jonathan situation in season 2, because at the end of the day it's just another reframing of the same tired take tbh

I'll stick it under the cut though because I know I can be wordy

There's this, like, company line in this fandom that Steve and Nancy were just two teenagers who hurt each other, which I one hundred percent agree with, only that tends to be the company line everywhere except for the Steve-centric fics that get written about that plotline, which instead seem to frequently make an argument that "Nancy cheated on Steve, was cruel enough to cause long-term emotional damage, and then either is forced to grovel for forgiveness or be shut out of his and his friends' lives forever" which is. Not that. Right?

Fandom cultures at large, not just this one, are more willing to do empathetic, in-depth character analysis of male characters than they are female. This is something we know to be true and this is something that is noticable in how Nancy gets treated by fanon, especially when it comes to her relationship with Steve.

Because here's the thing, we could debate it all day (and I won't, for the record, if anyone's thinking about starting a fight) but for my part, what she did wasn't cheating. From the very first time I watched season 2 when it was released, I always read the Halloween fight and the morning after as a breakup.

HOWEVER, even if Nancy did cheat on Steve? It doesn't warrant the downright malicious Nancy characterizations that often feel ubiquitous to this fandom.

Even if Nancy did cheat, there is a refusal to look at the situation from her point of view, something which even Steve is canonically able to do by the end of season 2 (we'll get to that). Because there's more nuance here to take into account than just Nancy making a choice to specifically hurt or break Steve and there's more nuance here than Steve being incapable of moving on from this breakup.

In fact, if you really look at the choices both of them are making, it has very little to do with each other and everything to do with their own reactions to immense personal trauma and grief. Nancy has spent a year suppressing a mourning she's not allowed to experience out loud, and you expect her not to snap eventually?

Does personal hardship mean cheating is, like, a good thing (if that's the takeaway you're going with from canon)? No. Does it still wildly differ from the cruel and intentionally malicious version of Nancy that shows up in far too much fic? Yeah.

She's a teenage girl whose best friend died in a violent and preventable way at sixteen years old. Nancy tried to fit herself into Steve's coping strategies, tried to let it all go back to normal, and was visibly hurting in the process. She sought out comfort. Understanding. A chance to be heard.

It's a disservice to both of their characters to treat this like there's a "good" and "bad" guy, when the way they handle it in canon, the way Steve comes to terms with it (literally within days he is telling her to go with Jonathan, by the way), is all vitally important to their growth.

When Steve says "I may not be a very good boyfriend" that's not about him being down on himself or having low self worth, it's a moment of growth and self reflection/ awareness for him to acknowledge that in his efforts to make himself feel better, he also hurt Nancy. It's about him no longer being in the same bitter headspace of "what am I apologizing for?" that he was at the start of the season, and having the maturity to see that they don't work as they are at their current mental states, no matter how heartbreaking that may be for him.

And Nancy choosing to go with Jonathan is really just a continuation of everything she was doing in trying to get justice for Barb-- she's choosing to follow her heart after being trapped away from acknowledging it for so long.

In other words, not only does he not have reason to, but Steve doesn't hate Nancy, Steve doesn't hold a lifelong grudge against Nancy, Steve doesn't think Nancy is a cruel and unfeeling bitch, but fic authors sure seem to.

If it were just a handful of fics here or there, I wouldn't be so adamant about it, but it's such an ingrained narrative in this fandom that sometimes I think people have genuinely forgotten the canon context.

Don't strip them of their agency and everything they learn from getting together and falling apart by making Steve less emotionally competent and Nancy more borderline abusive than either of them are.

It's boring and it's sexist and it shouldn't be the norm.

but that's just my 2 and a half cents peace and love anon, hope this answered your question <3

[i-heart-hxh]

Hi! I really liked your thoughts on your last post, and if you're willing to answer, what are your thoughts on Gon's feelings towards Killua? I do think it is requited (somewhat) and Killua's feelings are pretty clear at this point. Anyway, it probably could be Gon not realizing what he's feeling towards Killua, or the more popular interpretation of him being oblivious, or even the idea of him being on the aromantic spectrum. I think it's subtly gets lost in everything else that is happening in canon, which disappoints me sometimes because Gon is such a well written character.

Hi anon, thank you so much for asking! I love thinking about the nature of Gon's feelings for Killua, so it's nice to have a chance to talk about it from my own perspective.

The short version of where I keep ending up after thinking about it a bunch for several years now is that I think Gon does have romantic feelings for Killua, but I don't think at this point he recognizes them as such for a few different reasons.

The first is just that they're young, and I don't think he has enough context to see his feelings that way. For one, Killua is his first real friend so I think it might be hard for him to see where the line gets blurry/goes beyond friendship, and with his direct and straightforward personality he's less prone to picking apart all of his feelings than Killua. In Chimera Ant Arc, his innocence is repeatedly emphasized--he thinks going out with Mito counts as a "date," he is good at handling Palm on their date but he seems oblivious about the larger context of dating/having a relationship with someone, he doesn't get what's going on with Killua insinuating that Meruem might have a lover in his chambers, and so on. There's examples of this before CAA as well. I'm just not sure he's reached a point yet where he can distinguish what his feelings towards Killua mean exactly and how they might differ from those of a normal friendship.

I feel like because Killua's feelings become so apparent in CAA and Gon's attention gets directed away from Killua at that point due to all his trauma and pain, people are quick to discount all of Gon's affection towards Killua before that--"キルアじゃなきゃダメなんだ/It has to be Killua," from the dodgeball match in particular is a line with a lot of romantic subtext in Japanese, how hard he fights to get Killua back in the Zoldyck family arc, all the verbal affection he gives him, the fact that he's proud to have him as his friend and that he wants to show him off to Ging, it just goes on and on. Gon clearly thinks the world of Killua and trusts him above anyone else.

And sure, with Gon it's possible to read his feelings as just platonic. I personally think it goes beyond that, both from what I see in canon and my own interpretation. But I do think it's not debatable that Gon loves Killua (in whatever way you choose to see that love), and even in CAA when he's lost in the darkness, we repeatedly see that Killua is the only one who can bring him back from that. He's Gon's last lifeline and the one who means most to him. Killua sees Gon as his light, but I truly believe Killua is Gon's light, too. Even if Gon hasn't said as such like Killua has, this is conveyed metaphorically by Killua saving Gon's life while literally glowing from his electricity.

It's also worth noting that Gon doesn't see so much of what Killua has done for him and how strongly Killua feels about him. This is something we as the audience see multiple times and in multiple ways, but Killua puts up defenses constantly around Gon, deflects his affections, and hides his emotions and what he does on Gon's behalf. I don't think Gon is completely clueless because they're so attuned to each other, but he definitely doesn't have the full context either, so it's not as though he's had a chance to react to Killua's true depth of feelings for him.

Now that he's apart from Killua, this might be a point where Gon starts reflecting on and maybe piecing together how he feels about Killua. It's hard to say what will happen in canon (though I do anticipate an eventual reunion between them for reasons I'll get into in another post), but Ging's words emphasize the importance of the people who are with you on your journey, and with Killua bringing him back from the brink and then the two of them separating, this is a point where I think Gon might start pondering what kind of connection he wants to have with Killua in the future.

I could go on and on about this topic (and there's a good chance I will talk about it more), but I'll stop there for now. Thanks again for asking!

[intoseaa]

write about jeff the killer

ok so basically one fun thing about me is that every original creation ive ever made has had Jeff the Killer in it because hes public domain and i find it unimaginably funny to think that he's in every setting ever

in the process i have thought about how id improve the original jeff the killer (including elements of other "fixes" and retellings with my own spin of hereditary nonsense and generational trauma) . jeffin it up under the cut . Sorry if i repeat his name too much its just really funny to read out loud that way

content warnings: sh, extremely lightly implied incest, homophobia, implied parental neglect, Jeff the Killer

When grandpa died, Jeff, 7 years old as he recalled, as if he could ever forget every little moment of his birthday, heard a lot of terms to describe it. Though no celebration before had been especially glamorous, Jeff's excitement for the day was bashed rather fast when there was not only not so much as the scent of cake in the kitchen, but the grim news of his grandfather's passing and his mother weeping in the kitchen.

Around the point he found out that what had occurred was apparently hereditary, in hindsight, Jeff thought that was probably the point where his life began to go downhill.

Fatal familial insomnia is a rare genetic condition, provoking dementia, muscle twitching, and most prominently, total inability to sleep. Like many prions, there is no treatment, prevention, or really anything you could possibly do if it happened.

He knew because the days he was allowed on the computer were mostly spent researching what happened to his grandfather. Something about it scared his little mind so much that it generated what his mother titled an "obsession." His older brother Lou was kinder, dubbing it an interest in learning or some other equally flowery way of saying Jeff was thinking way too fucking much about this goddamn disease.

His father did not notice. Indeed, the whole ordeal from his grandpa's death to Jeff randomly getting too scared to sleep (counterproductively...) seemed lost on the salaryman.

----

Somniphobia is the irrational fear of sleep.

As stupid as it was, Jeff found the news that his blood may carry something that will kill him through the lack of something so inoccuous to be a vessel to avoid it completely.

The standard age of onset was 50 or so, but it could be as early as 13, and Jeff's constant self-torture went above and beyond in developing paranoia that he had finally gotten FFI. At that point Lou's endless empathy had somehow been expended, and even he had to giggle when Jeff opened up about it.

Jeff didn't like being laughed at.

Lou shooed him out of his room, and the young Jeff went back to reading case after case from Reddit to 4chan to forums with inconceivable names he didn't even remember, all throughout the night, up until he inevitably conked out whether he wanted to or not. Little awaited him but nightmares.

----

Jeff's first time seeing a dead body was rather formative. At 14, he and some friends (far be it from him to remember their names,) went out into the woods, and there it was: a dead boy around their age, charred beyond recognition. They gazed at it wordlessly, and when each went home, the image stayed in most of their minds in a place of horror, a reflection of something that could happen to them.

Not for Jeff.

Jeff saw the closed eyelids, and in a moment of awareness admittedly rare for the boy, he saw rest he noted he was keeping himself from getting. Every day was marked by the lack of it, and for a moment he envied that dead boy, not in the sense of death, but in the sense that he looked like he was asleep.

That night, his nightmare consisted of his grandfather, finally waking up in the coffin he was buried in. Not dead.

Merely an unfortunate subject of sleep debt.

As he clawed at the wood, as his nails sloughed off in his desperate attempt to escape, as blood began dripping down onto him, Jeff got closer and closer to waking up, but, well.

For a nightmare, when he eventually did shoot up in his bed, he noted he got such restful sleep.

----

Lou was frequently bullied. The poor guy had a birthmark that made it look like one half of his face kinda smiled all the time but not really. It was actually kind of uncanny to look at to a few kids.

This bothered Jeff. He cared a lot, maybe a little too much about his darling brother, and seeing it really upset him.

Because Jeff didn't like to be laughed at.

So it was up to a few dumb ideas on his part. He admitted it wasn't a very smart plan, and he would probably be caught. A cop was gonna come to his house and take him away for the rest of his life, maybe. But on the off chance that that wasn't true, he decided to play a little prank on the main 3 guys that picked on his darling brother.

Contrary to his expectations, there were no survivors.

Secondarily, there was no suspect.

The case went cold. Maybe Lou had an idea, but of course, his loyal big brother chalked it up to paranoia.

Jeff didn't like to be laughed at.

----

Jeff had problems making friends.

He didn't have a good memory (symptom 2, dementia), was frequently tired (symptom 3, total insomnia), and came off as what a teacher might refer to as "special." His mother disagreed, and he listened to his mother because she was always right, even if she was clearly wrong.

A misplaced "hey Charles" to a delinquent named some shit like Bob might have even gotten him hit. He didn't want to be hurt, nor did he want to have to hurt someone. He saw that as a rather steep inconvenience that took a lot of planning, one that can easily go wrong and send them straight to what he referred to, in his mind, as sleep.

He was scared to send the rest of them to sleep. Jeff was afraid of sleep.

Eventually, though, the band of delinquents at his school invited him to a party. Admitting it openly, he kind of idolized them. They found him kind of funny and almost cute, and more than one boy stared at him a little too much. Jeff didn't understand because he thought that was what boys did to girls, and Jeff wasn't a girl. Maybe the long hair made him look like one.

He appreciated the attention in any case. He liked to stare at that boy too. He actually bothered to remember that boy's name (or he did back then.) He couldn't tell you now.

----

At the party Jeff sat on the other side of that boy during spin the bottle, next to some guy named Bob apparently or some shit like it. He mostly recognized him because he had brought this bottle of whiskey for him and only for him. No one noticed or pointed it out, but he could hear his mother at the church going on and on and on and

The bottle landed on him, and the delinquent bunch started laughing.

The boy in front of him looked hopeful for a moment, but that disappeared with the first chortle and the bottle quietly spun again. Jeff felt disappointed.

He didn't know why.

It showed on his face, because first the girls started laughing and then went the boys and then went his mother in his head going on on and on and on and on. He was getting very tired of it.

Jeff didn't like to be laughed at.

He pretend to giggle as well for a moment. "I need to pee."

Blurting it out really awkwardly seemed to convince them. It sounded repulsive to him, personally.

Coming back from the bathroom, some girl had left. The boy he liked more than the rest and the boy apparently named some shit like Bob were, for whatever reason, squabbling.

He couldn't tell you now what they were going on about, but he remembered what he said.

"It seems like you're overreacting a little bit."

The boy named Bob(?) stared right at him, eyes like the headlights of a car, as he wrestled his lighter out of his pocket after unscrewing the cap on his bottle of whiskey.

"You little shit, I'll make you pay for that," he slurred.

----

At the hospital, he was informed his burns were relatively mild. Lou hugged him and sobbed and Jeff let him even though he thought he was just overreacting a little bit.

Jeff didn't like to be cried over, either.

He wondered if the boy he liked more than the rest would see him.

Of course he didn't.

When he was released, the looks he had originally boasted were fading. His hair was no longer the natural, deep black it originally was, and suddenly it seemed entirely ashy and generally upsetting and gross. The scars pockmarked his body, and they reminded him somewhat of a fractal he saw once, at least in shape. He looked awful.

Jeff stopped coming to school about as soon as Lou stopped forcing him.

He didn't really feel the same. He felt like there was a big wad of burning cotton stuffed in his skull, something the alcoholic flames had set alight.

The night he was discharged from the hospital, he took a good look at his darling brother. He saw a certain beauty in the "smile," and in the unblinking, teary eyes. He felt bad.

He felt ugly.

Standing before the bathroom mirror with a knife, he thought he could make it better. His pale face was reflected back at him with such a hideous series of scars that it felt like mockery.

Jeff didn't like to be laughed at.

----

Right as Jeff felt beautiful, his mother saw the devil.

He felt safe now that it hurt to close his eyes. The cuts on his eyelids burned, blood in his eyes, and dear god, what a radiant smile!

He would never have to sleep again, the way it hurt.

As she called for a priest nearby, his father finally looked at him as if Jeff mattered. Armed with a baseball bat, he saw the devil in his son and-

----

Blood on the floor. His mother face down, and his father face up, eyelids forced shut. He decided to give them smiles they didn't have in life. Jeff liked to make people smile.

Unfortunately, as Lou gazed down at Jeff, he was so unimaginably scared that not a single thing even comparable to a smile graced his face. He looked almost like one of those split masks, between tragedy and comedy.

Jeff cared a little too much about Lou. Killing their parents had felt good, but it felt a lot worse now that Lou didn't like what he had done.

"You see?"

Jeff uttered. The smoke in his lungs gave the quiet boy a rasp.

"I look just like you now."

His darling brother was too beautiful to kill.

As he turned and walked out the door, Lou waited for the police to arrive. He didn't run. Jeff's loyal brother didn't do a thing.

He saw his parents, sound asleep.

The police had taken him, but when more and more bodies turned up just like the ones they'd found, the cops found it harder and harder to justify keeping the catatonic boy.

[dotthings]

And now, a bit of screaming about the spn UNIVERSE

It basically feels in my head like...hm...think of any cinematic moment that has the same feel as "there's a lot more of us." It's like that, only for the narrative potentials of the spn universe. And I love the og series dearly, I've always thought that timeline alone should be able to burst out into infinite stories. However going multiverse is not surprising and doesn't mean it won't also expand along the timeline of spn prime world too.

I had one hesitancy on if TW turned out to be an AU world timeline. However in execution, I'm getting a story value trade. Let me explain: What’s lost is unreliable narrators and how family histories get told and how trauma and grief impacts that to explain discrepancies. There are variations between TW and the mothership that seemed due to lack of having the full story, and context, a few things that seemed like trivialities, at no point did I think CMP creatives actually screwed up. Those things were all there on purpose. They perfectly well know spn mothership canon. While I’m sorry to lose that layer about unreliable narrators, same thing is true, they know spn mothership canon.

I’ve also maintained right along that the TW timeline is protected. Turns out it is. Not because it’s actually THE timeline leading to the spn mothership events. TW is still not going to be undone. It is not going to be wiped out, it's now been set free running on a more hopeful track that it would have been on if Dean hadn't meddled. These new characters, this series, linked to the spn mothership, has its own life.

That’s the trade. Put something in the portal, get something back. I still feel like going multiverse as explanation is more simplistic that I hoped for, there's so much complex narrative stuff going on I don't want to dwell on that.

It’s also still very much a rumination and reflection on spn prime, a reply to it, a loving tribute to it, and even a criticism of it. There’s a whole complex dialogue going on between TW and SPN for those who want to listen.

The stories of Carlos, and Lata, and Ada, and Millie, and that John and Mary, have their own journey and are worth loving on their own. It’s too late to go back, I love them for them, not just how TW was a delivery system on Dean’s story and that’s the dual role TW S1 was meant to have.

Oh and btw ROBBIE CONFIRMED CARLOS MENTIONED ON SPN IS THE SPN PRIME VERSION OF THIS ALT CARLOS THEY ARE THE SAME CHARACTER DIFFERENT WORLDS. I'm gonna cry again, Sam and Dean had a Carlos, we don't know that version. Yet.

And there’s also just something about the fact that DEAN HIMSELF CREATED THIS STORY.

This timeline in this alternate earth, this kinder rumination on trauma, and contemplation on the mothership, this inclusive spn world show. Getting into the metatextual level, Dean is the avatar for Jensen, Robbie, everyone at CMP. In story, look what Dean gave birth to.

Also I cannot believe that here I’ve been rewatching Fringe and lacing a bit of that into my TW meta and pointing out TW has a producer who worked on Fringe S1 and somehow??? I really thought????? TW WASN’T GOING MULTIVERSE. If I start thinking metas on Dean and Peter Bishop and Walter Bishop my head just might implode and it’s already imploding

ALSO?? WORLD BETWEEN WORLDS??? THEY JUST STAR WARS REBELS AT ME ON MAIN WTF.

So, this kind of multiverse, just blew the spn universe wide open. Beyond opening up Dean’s story, it opened up the spn universe. I’m used to this from DC and Marvel (and being a Fringe fan). There are pitfalls to that kind of opening up. Robbie’s written for Marvel and DC, he knows how this works and what he’s doing.

I read Robbie’s EW interview. They've broken the spn universe open in every direction on potential canvases for stories.

1.13 in execution and the implications of what this could lead to is incredibly exciting to me as someone who wanted an expanded spn universe.

[raisedbythetv89]

It will always be so funny to me (in a hahahaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!😭😭😭😭 kind of way) that j*ss wh*don, a man famous for ensuring Buffy suffers literally as much as humanly possible, watched Veronica Mars, a show where in just the pilot we learn:

A girl and her dad are social pariahs, who were abandoned by her alcoholic mother. Her best friend has been murdered. They lost their home after her dad was fired because of said murder. Her ex boyfriend basically ghosted her while still going to the same school - just ZERO words or explanation as to why or that they were even broken up. Her first sexual experience is SA that isn’t taken seriously and MOCKED by law enforcement and she can’t even tell her dad because she’s worried what he’ll do. Her dead best friend’s boyfriend, who used to be her friend too, has now made it his life mission to make her miserable. She lost her entire friend group, and she has to work as a PI seeing the worst of the worst of human behavior to help pay the bills that often puts her in danger.

And wh*don went:

“Now THAT is television!!!”

So much so he made reference to Veronica Mars season 2 in the comics and he did a guest star appearance 💀

Don’t get me wrong I love Veronica Mars but I just KNOW it’s for completely different reasons than j*ss does.

I am just so sure he was absolutely THRILLED by all the horrors and pain they were able to dump on a young girl in one fell swoop (like I can literally picture him cackling like a supervillain like he did after writing the angel to angelus storyline, at the evil genius-ness of it all) when it took him many seasons for all the trauma and hardships to really pile up on Buffy. It’s just so obscenely on brand for him it becomes comical in a “I have to laugh so I don’t cry” kind of way while also pointing to the larger issue of how most male writers and directors use their female characters and more specifically - their pain and trauma - to move a story along

This is made even worse if the woman is a person of color which is a whole other conversation that I as a white woman don’t really feel it’s my place to delve into the history of the exploitation of racial based trauma by a predominantly white run hollywood because that would be just another white person talking about an experience that isn’t mine but it felt important to acknowledge that this post is about two white women characters and I know it is so much worse for women of color which we even see examples of in both shows.

Seeing our own pain reflected in media is important and valuable in many ways but so is seeing joy and love and I didn’t realize how bad things were until I watched the movie “Ibiza: Love Drunk” several years ago and the entire time I was holding my breath waiting for someone to get kidnapped/sa’d/tricked by a fuck boy/fight amongst the group of girlfriends - because it was about a group of girls traveling, having fun partying, and meetings boys and hooking up with them and that literally ALWAYS ends badly in media!! And it didn’t this time and I didn’t realize how much I needed it and how RARE it was until that point 😭😭😭 which no surprise it was written by a woman who’s goal was to show women’s JOY in media and that bad things don’t always happen when we live our lives and have fun.

[sisterofficerlucychen]

in this essay i will explore why halo by beyonce fits chenford perfectly because i’ve lost my damn mind, yet again. i mean what else is new, really? anyhow, buckle in and enjoy the ride! ♡

Remember those walls I built? Well, baby, they're tumbling down And they didn't even put up a fight They didn't even make a sound

who had walls when we first met him? who was utterly broken and just trying to survive? tim. while lucy didn’t necessarily come into tim’s life trying to break his walls down, she definitely succeeded in doing so. she helped bring back the light inside of him and reassured him that he was safe through her action and words. every single moment they’ve had since the beginning has progressed in tumbling down the walls tim built because of all the trauma he’s endured. while it was something that he probably didn’t realize at first, once he did, there was no going back. because he’s the thing, who has tim always listened to? lucy — stopping him in front of isabel’s apartment, making him reflect back onto the experience with the gardeners, fixing things with genny, even encouraging him to listen to ashley. she’s always been his voice of reason and the one person he’ll listen to even if he’s moping or arguing about it. 

but here’s the thing, this also fits lucy. as self-aware and as much of an open book as she is, lucy has walls. they’ve just been so much more well hidden than tim’s. she’s always had commitment issues. jackson points it out once when he tells her he knew about her and nolan; tim points it out twice, once after she’s dealing with the break up with emmett then again when chris ambushes her about moving in. relationships aren’t her strong suit and my take on it at least is that it stems from her relationship with her parents. for two psychologists and a psych major, the chens are their own little bubble of complicated but it’s so easy to see how this has affected lucy and caused her to put up her own walls. tim being the exception to this rule. he may have decided she was worth his time to train but she definitely decided that he was worth her time to understand. which i think kind of comes into play with tim being the only person to break down those walls. 

“if we do this and it doesn’t work, i’ll have ruined the most important relationship of my life.” it wasn’t until this moment that both walls completely fell. they both jumped into relationships with other people and stayed in them because it was safe, because the stakes were to high for either of them to even think that being with each other was a possibility until lucy said that. it placed them both on the same page. 

It's like I've been awakened Every rule I had you breakin' It's the risk that I'm takin' I ain't never gonna shut you out

which brings us to this part. tim’s reaction when lucy confessed this. TIM’S REACTION WHEN LUCY CONFESSED THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s like he saw his life flash before his eyes in the sense that a. it confirmed she had feelings for him too and it wasn’t one sided and b. that for once in his life, he was someone’s top priority because even though nothing romantically had happened until this point, lucy saying this was so crucial because everybody else had put him second: isabel (to drugs), rachel (to a dream job), and ashley (to not wanting to be afraid of the what if’s). anyway, i guess what i’m trying to say is tim’s reaction was that first lyric. though him leaving lucy’s apartment in 4x22 also gives the same vibes. BUT THE IMPORTANT THING HERE IS HOW THIS VERSE IS ESSENTIALLY 5X08. because here’s the thing, this is: “some things matter more”. tim does not break the rules. ever. except this was perhaps the biggest risk he’s ever taken and the man didn’t even blink. the “unless it is” when he tells her that thEY ARE WORTH THE RISK. THEY ARE WORTH THE EFFORT. for someone who pushed everyone away at his lowest point, who tried time and time again to push lucy away, this was the moment where he welcomed her with open arms and embraced their future together knowing it was the beginning of something that mattered more. 

Everywhere I'm lookin' now I'm surrounded by your embrace Baby, I can see your halo You know you're my saving grace

they’ve saved each other, time and time again. there are so many moments in the literal and figurative where they have saved the other: lucy pulling tim out of the line of fire when he was shot on her second day; tim giving her the ‘bradford special’ which probably saved her life when she was shot and it caught the bullet; the entirety of day of death; lucy believing in tim enough that she recorded an entire audiobook for him; lucy helping him with the ordeal with his father; tim giving her ring back and the survivor speech when she was still struggling. they’ve always had each other’s back, no matter where they fall from they know the other person will catch them. 

not only this but they are 100% the other’s safe space. one thing that always has me on the floor sobbing is any time lucy feels like she’s stuck, it’s tim she literally turns to. i keep thinking back specifically when they were in their ‘pining/angst era’ and despite things being awkward between them, lucy turned to tim immediately when she felt cornered. remember when bailey was in the tank asking for nolan? lucy got stuck, she didn’t know what to say or how to lie and she desperately turned to tim to save her. same thing when grey asked if there was a reason they couldn’t ride together. she awkwardly tried to come up with an answer and ended up turning to tim for him to answer the question. 

Hit me like a ray of sun Burning through my darkest night You're the only one that I want Think I'm addicted to your light

lucy is absolute sunshine. she is a literal ray of light that sees the best in people, she’s compassionate and empathetic, she doesn’t give up on others too easily. this is important because of when she came into tim’s life. she saw the worst version of him and decided that he was someone who was worth the effort in trying to get to know and understand. the more she learned about him, the more compassion she showed him. 

every obstacle tim has ever faced since they’ve met, she’s been by his side. obviously, the range of her involvement depends on the season and where the progression of their relationship is but nonetheless, she’s been there for him. the beautiful thing here is that it works both ways. 

he’s also always been there for her. from when he stayed with her in the hospital after she was rescued to when they learned rosalind escaped and his immediate reaction was to comfort her as he squeezed her hand before taking them somewhere private to check on how she was doing. tim may be a ‘grump’ but it doesn’t mean his light doesn’t burn just as bright because he is also sunshine in his own way. which is something lucy knows. the way she’s been sticking up for him since season 1. she’s said it too, comparing kojo to tim, when abigail commented that he was all bark with no bite, coaching little league. tim is just as much sunshine as lucy is in parallel ways. 

they are who the other needs in the toughest, darkest times because they know how to support each other. they are each other’s light and each others rock. 

I swore I'd never fall again But this don't even feel like fallin' Gravity can't begin To pull me back to the ground again

who tim dated after isabel is interesting because of how it can be linked to lucy. his relationship with rachel was a direct correlation to lucy getting involved. they made a bet with each other and she won short sleeves, he momentarily won the girl. his relationship with ashley is a little more complex to tie to lucy but i’d argue you still can because the green dress callback basically confirmed that there was clearly something there when they saw each other at wopez’s wedding at the end of s3. by the time tim met ashley, tim and lucy had already fallen for each other and both were denying or hiding their feelings. did he date ashley because he couldn’t be with lucy? i don’t know. he seemed to genuinely like her at first but i do think he stayed with her because of lucy. that double date should have been the biggest red flag for all of them, especially chris and ashley of not getting invovled with them. yet nonetheless, they both continued to explore their respective relationships. 

except neither relationship was clearly meant to last. they both stayed in them because it was safe and it was perhaps easier to be with someone they did care about but not were in love with than to be alone and without the person they actually wanted to be with. 

but going back to that first line of the verse. i don’t think tim considered falling in love again with someone who truly loved him back until lucy. rachel was fleeting, the job in new york was more important than her relationship with tim; ashley didn’t want the same things he did and would tim have settled? maybe, who knows. but lucy. she’s worth the effort, she’s worth the fight, she’s someone who wants what he does. this is the part that at least gets me because i do think tim had resigned to not having the life he wanted and here’s this absolute ray of sunshine who has basically confirmed to him that she wants that same life too and that he is worth the effort, that he matters more. 

additionally, i think this also ties back to the slow burn. the way they fell for one another happened in a way where you can’t really point out where they fell but rather when they knew. every little moment, every scene captured something new with them. it was unexpected and while it was scary, once they realized where they stood, they were both in it without a doubt. i know we’ve yet to see them test the “you deserve to be with someone who’s worth the effort” but even in what we’ve seen like when they were struggling about how working in the same chain of command affected them, breaking up was never an option. they were going to work through it one way or another

in conclusion because oh my god i wrote a novel??? but also if you’re still reading this i love you so, so, so much?? i feel like i should buy you coffee or something for reading my late night ramblings. ANYWAY, i think this song just perfectly embodies how they decided to take the risk and is essentially the cumulation of their slow burn. it feels very much like the “some things matter more” because despite the obstacles that they’ve faced, they’ve made it to each other. they are the other’s light, they are the other’s person, they are the other’s love of their life. 

fin.

[sxbaist]

~ Character Info Sheet

name: Lovisa Göta Sjögren

name meaning: 'Lovisa' is a Swedified form of Louise, which originates in Louis and has been used in Sweden since the 17th century. It means "renowned warrior". / 'Göta' derives from the Old Norse “gautr,” which in turn derives from the Proto-Norse “gautaz,” meaning “Goth, Geat, from Gautland “Götaland, Gothia in southern Sweden.” Though Vega was named specifically after Göta älv, a Swedish river with the largest drainage basin in Scandinavia. / 'Sjögren' is an ornamental name composed of the elements sjö 'sea lake' + gren 'branch'.

alias/es: Vega, Commander

ethnicity: Swedish

one picture you like best of your chara:

three h/cs you've never told anyone:

Her two favorite teas are Maofeng and Organic Silk Dragon Jasmine. Ming Long introduced her to both, and she's loved them ever since. Three centuries later, they're luckily still easy enough to find on Terra. She may or may not have gone on super intricate and comedic undercover missions just to obtain some as a Starfleet fugitive.

Girl can cook. She doesn't do it very often, and usually burns food intentionally so no one asks her to again, but she can absolutely whip up a beef wellington, macarons, consommé-- though she is by no means a professional. Just someone that has hyperfocused on some things in the path of perfection. Someday she wants to master making decent Suodui.

I truly cannot recall if I've ever written about this or not, oh well. The reason she forsook her birthname is due to a metamorphosis, a way to break the cycle of trauma that had plagued her since childhood. Vega believes that by going by a new name, she was able to shed the vilest parts of herself. As far as she is concerned, Lovisa died on earth, in a remote forest, screaming her throat raw with ghost and man alike. This obviously isn't the case, unfortunately: now it's Vega that wakes up from night terrors, freezes at certain mannerisms and words, stares holes into blank spots yards away. The only truth is that she's older now, with more control over herself (some, in any case) and a tendency to repress.

three things your character likes doing in their free time:

Painting. The one every knows, because it's her thing. If she can't paint, she'll sketch or doodle. This is also a sort of idle habit for her.

Sudoku. Shocking that the astrophysics nerd would enjoy logic game. Yet she does, and she can spend hours going through the gazillions of puzzle books she's amassed.

Solitude in nature. That doesn't happen so much anymore, though when she's planetside, she enjoys exploring and discovering the local fauna and flora.

eight people your character likes / loves: She doesn't even have eight in her life RIP, unless one counts the augments in general. That's more of a general I love my people/kin/crew than anyone too specific.

Ming Long: Her first love, on Earth in the 90s. Vega lost her to the war, and it planted the seed that lead to her resentment of humanity.

Levi: Her brother, for better or worse. While he's mostly a thorn in her side, she does love him. After all, he's gone through most of the same awful things she has., even if they cope with it in very different ways.

Most other characters are verse dependent (@rickgrimesdoingrickthings, @vuulpecula, @respondedinkind specifically :p). She doesn't get attached to others very easily.

two things your character regrets:

In a way, she regrets her relationship with her brother. She wishes that she could have been a better sibling to him, helping him instead of closing herself off, and essentially leaving him to be as lonely as she felt. That's why she lets him into her life so often, speaking solely for modern verses, because she's trying to make up for something she really hadn't actually done.

In her main verse, she eventually regrets her distrust of Khan's vision, of having even toyed with the notion of betrayal-- or even of defection. It's a point where she's able to self-reflect and realize that her own ideas were invariably flawed. Whether she realizes this too late or not depends on the thread/verse, of course. :p

two phobias your character has:

Choosing two of the least intense/trigger worthy (she needs therapy ;_; ).

Monophobia: the fear of being alone. Strange, as she prefers solitude, yet cannot reconcile the idea of losing everyone around her.

Trypanophobia: the fear of needles, particularly in a medical setting.

Tagged by : sorta stolen from @ssolessurvivor <3

Tagging: @respondedinkind @rickgrimesdoingrickthings @invictasol @vacantwar / @juramentum (t'pring or qu ming because i'm smitten) @dreamsofalife @mediical-trek @mehrere-musen (shelby!) @pcrfumebcttles / @triiiplegoddcss @madeofstxrs (aev!) / @trailofstxrs (saavik!) @vartouhix and YOU!

[incarnateirony]

Making sure I’m getting where you’re pointing us - Roxy (Dean) needs the ostium because it’s needed to open the door (to the axis mundi so Dean can go up it to get to heaven)?

Yes. I don't know if they're literally going to call it the Mundi in the final text, but "The road through heaven", as was named the mundi in older texts. The name of the road itself is not, itself, hugely relevant.

When I say "Dean is in Nihilism", I mean it. I don't mean like, in his story timeline.

I mean the mental boxes of thoughts and dreams are the same as the boxes of heaven. It's all the same thing guys. (check my heaven meta if needed)

So like, think of Nihilism. When they went in his head there was just empty space. trauma. regret. Contentment looked like The Dream. a roadhouse of his own. It wasn't real because there weren't other souls there with him, but he was perfectly capable of manifesting complex shit.

So Pamela is akin to Roxy there. And yes, the Door, The Way.

The problem is, exhisting in Nihilism, Dean hasn't let the light in, so he doesn't perceive a door or anything outside of it. One of those, even if I opened the door, it's empty out there. Just regret.

So The Door is more than just the literal door. That's a huge part of it and the narrative elements will tie together. But The Door, The Way, it's more than just some space vagina to jump through. It's realizing that it's not empty out there. It's choosing to NOT be a rugaru and NOT seal yourself out. But you gotta let it be full outside.

Frankly, I hate the word "heaven", because it comes with a lot of baggage to the average reader. "make it to heaven", if you mean in the term of like, The Garden, Where The Family Is, yes. But technically he's already "in heaven", it's just not the way people think of heaven. Everything is heaven. Even earth is part of the heavens. That was just Chuck's personal thoughtbox he shoved people in. We all got one, he's just the dick that called first.

The Axis is just the road of thought through endless mental boxes of potential, and people used to fear those boxes because they were colonized and caged, but the doors are open. Problem being, Dean literally won't open his own.

His subconscious, his Anima, is projecting out there because he's lost his own view of himself or his face. And yeah, s/he wants the way out.

On the other hand, Cas is calling, and Dean won't pick up the phone, because he's too busy staring at his own reflection and projection that is Roxy, because CLEARLY that must be the queen, his queen. She's rock and roll and leather and horny as fuck. Oh, wait, that's. not my queen?

Yeah. Rocky's looking for the door he just has to stop looking PAST it first.

[imsailorpluto]

The Eighth Sense; a tiny post-finale ink spilling session (spoilers included)

Hello, first boy love kdrama I've ever watched. I started watching this with zero expectations and a huge dark cloud above my head. Cloud being this worry whether or not the ending would give me a major heartache. Well, even if it had, I wouldn't mind at all.

Finale made us all feel safe and calm, I'm pretty sure of that. But! If you haven't watched this one already, then get ready for a wild ride. The series is heartbreaking, the entire fandom was not well, not until the very end. Every single person who truly enjoyed this drama and saw their own reflection in one of the two main characters - I'm so sorry (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

T8S is about student life, new cities, friendships, relationships, emotional complexity, inner battles, depression, bravery, justice, moral, love, survival mode, desperation, devotion, guilt, overcoming mental obstacles, acceptance...

Just like linear algebra. It isn't just a cute romantic drama, even though our main hero Jihyun is incredibly cute, romantic character. He's one of those you'd wish to meet irl. Or one of those who make you want to become fictional, whatever works better.

Jihyun is a lovely ray of sunshine and the filming crew makes it clear to all the viewers throughout the entire show. He's introduced as an important piece which lights up the whole space and whose lack of presence gives you withdrawal symptoms. And no, that's not an overexaggeration.

Then we have Jaewon. It might seem like Jaewon is the one who pulls people in his orbit, but if you watch carefully enough, soon it becomes very clear that's actually not the case. People surrounding him are extremely vain and value him for his family's social status, nothing more, nothing less. The only time we see him shine is when he's reflecting lovely rays of sunshine and then we get this dim, mellow, soft illumination. A lot like moonlight, right? And for it's very nature, all that's required to turn its light off are a few dense night clouds.

So many lines this character delivers are in fact extremely realistic. However, behind their simplicity there are hidden many complex thoughts. Obviously, having a big heart also means carrying an excessive amount of burden too. I find his fight with depression faithfully depicted. His mental state after a loss or seemingly irreversible damage such deep trauma does to a human psyche can't just disappear, even with the passage of time.

Superficial relationships (as in general relationships with other people, not only intimate/romantic kind) don't help at all, on the contrary. They can't cure one's solitude or feelings of isolation and in fact might even lead to acts of desperation. One does start thinking like something is very wrong with them, which, again, leads to accepting whatever life throws at them, good or bad, without taking any action. Pushing oneself towards being numb. Because numbness and indifference, even if it's only "fake it till you make it" , oftentimes seems like the only effective way of self-perseverance.

What caught my attention is that mindset, that shadow which keeps lurking and following Jaewon the entire time. It keeps him convinced that he's not allowed to feel any true happiness and heartfelt joy, and if he does he has to pay a huge price for it. But it gets even better. Not only does he pay the price, but those involved have to pay, as well, now tenfold.

I can't keep wondering if it's universal experience. It certainly seems so. Sure, it all depends on the point of view; it takes all sorts to make a world. But it's interesting how severe accidents always happen and if you've ever lost a dear person before, you can't help but take the blame for all the bad things happening afterwards. As someone who has chosen the path of self-destruction once, it's interesting watching Jaewon coming back to his senses, choosing a person he cares for in the end and not allowing his fears to rule his life. It's very brave, getting back with Jihyun. I think it's the bravest thing he did.

That's why this is fiction and why it's right and well done in so many ways. Let's be honest, there's not many people who've led tragedy-free, accidents-free, loss-free lives. Especially if they're Jaewon's age (or older).

I believe that people who go through severely traumatic events, events which alter their psyche for 180°, won't really go through their recovery journey all the way. We see it with Jaewon as well. The dread of that shadow I've described above doesn't really go away easily, even after a conversation/therapy sessions with a person you deeply trust/professional. It's a paralyzing feeling which can stuck to a person for years. Thing that is not addressed (at least not directly), which I believe exists even in this work of fiction, is Jaewon's dread towards surfing and the ocean, since that's where the accident took place. Is there any therapist who could've helped him with that and make him go surfing just like before? I think not. There's always this distinctive reverence towards places which made a person lose their mind.

“And when you're ready, think about what to do next. I really want to protect him. But for now, I think this is for the best.”

For some, this is just a 10 episodes long bl story, cute, packed with angst, followed by an idyllic happy end. For some it's a blah, "really nothing to see here", shallow story of some college kids. For some this is an exploration journey of their own insecurities, challenges, smaller internal battles which seem like the worst thing in the entire world at the moment. For some, it's staring at a mirror which tells a story of what would have happened if they actually went to therapy, had a supportive partner and let go of unhealthy coping mechanisms. And for some it's just their journey right there on screen. Oh, and the group I must not leave out, since they are the most important ones here: the artists - the backbone of The Eighth Sense fandom. I can't say how they look at this piece because their analyses leave me completely speechless. There's plenty of their wonderful texts all around this platform, and they're fairly easy to find as well.

Still, how certain content finds its audience, and not the other way around is beyond me. Thank you🌻 to the one who recommended this piece, even if they don't like hearing thank yous and compliments of any kind. This kdrama piece was much needed in my little universe.

There's still so much to say about this drama, but maybe it's best not to go overboard. It would be a delight to see how life is going for our protagonists after some time. Who knows, maybe fans talk screenwriters into preparing another season. (no matter how unlikely it seems right now). Well ... That's all from me for now. Have a lovely day, it's finally spring so I hope you get to enjoy some sun. For me, I'm super excited may is right around the corner (⁠✿⁠ ⁠♡⁠‿⁠♡⁠)

Till next time,

Pluto

xo

[sir-yeehaw-paws]

🍉💌

(Sending good vibes 🔆🌻)

Real Writer Asks

Aww how sweet. Right back at you Anon!

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

Interesting ask this one is. Because I feel like I'm the kind of person who hasn't used fic for trauma processing. Yet I know that isn't fully true, either. I definitely incorporate some of my own life experiences into my fics, and as a reader, have sought out media with topics I find too difficult to take to a table IRL. But I also spent over 20 years in therapy so I was lucky enough to have that space. I could say that, much like when I'm a player character in a video game, writing men in particular has helped me tremendously with the long, uphill battle of being trans. But I don't actually write trans characters that much. I feel as if perhaps I prefer the point where all the negotiating aspect is gone, and I can just fully embrace the final package. Fully-formed men or, whatever you want to call it. I am an incredibly intense daydreamer, for instance. I talk to myself regularly, I am constantly finding myself in a daze. Fantasizing. Looking at things in reality and being reminded of the media I enjoy. I am a creative, but I can struggle to stay consistent. Writing is a constant in my life. And one that has provided an outlet in so many ways. I've made brief mentions of the incident before. How in a huge fit of mental breakdown I wiped all my creative works (My original AO3 works, my tumblr, live journal etc) from the world. I did this all within days of my inpatient admission to the hospital, and when I came out of it realized I'd just dumped a huge portion of things I'd created over years of hard work and friend interaction out the door. I erased a large part of myself when I did that. And have promised myself no matter how bad it gets, I am never-ever doing that again. It is not worth it. But I acknowledge I wasn't thinking clearly, either. That I was in a place where my head was nowhere on earth; and the decisions I made that night. Offline and online, were a sign of something bigger. Beyond me. Art, creativity, outlets. These are so important in our world. But everyone gets something different out of it. I have been writing fanfic since I was 17. I'm now 32. Huge parts of my personal growth have come with writing, and some of my life events took place around it. That's crazy to think about sometimes.

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

Sure! You can have some snippets of this BBKaz fic I'm writing right now that is from BB's POV. I almost never write BB, and never his point of view because I find him so hard to write. So I feel like, for once, I'm developing some confidence about doing so. Which is exciting. He feels almost obtainable to write out for me and I'm excited to see how I do and how it comes across.

Tidbit's Below Cut:

“An enemy, a friend. Incapacitate, when possible, Jack. Just because we have strengths does not mean we need to abuse them.” But she was wrong, wasn’t she? She was the deadliest force he’d ever known.  How true. How easy. They’d have turned on him. Against the pile, the thick cloy of blood, John listens for the kick of weak feet up ahead. The tallest man of the lots sagging hard. From his vantage point, glancing down his smoldering barrel, John can make out that bright blonde hair. Matted, sticking to his scalp from blood, mud, and trickles of tissue from a comrade or two. His men. The ones John slaughtered in the counted heartbeats charging up his lungs. Three broken fingers scramble for a nearby machete, John takes a leisurely stride. “You’re lost, Commander.” He knows the man speaks English. The contract hinted at it. Aviators, cracked with John’s own wild-mane hair, blood-stained cheeks in their reflection slip down a haughty nose. “Then kill me!” such an odd voice. High pitched, scratchy. Incredibly, the man continues to make demands, “The machete, take it. Cut off my head!” Intrigued, John wanders towards it. Steps over the crumpled form of the man’s deceased second in command. Feels the strong heft and weight in his calloused palm. One of the man’s hands is defiantly held under his back, John only manages to catch a tell-tale grip on something round and solid, clearly bumpy in that fumbling grip. Complete, utter defiance. A trick up his sleeve. Bastardized hope reaches into the deep crevice in his hollow heart. A sudden burst of CPR adrenaline thick. Water in his desert. Light in his tunnel. “I don’t think so.” John thrusts the machete up, pushing the flat of the blade hard against the man’s side. Sends those shattered frames to ground as he rolls him to brace on his hip. Pins his wrist with that threatening edge, digs into those fine, tender bones and new blood coats it’s shiny-dented steel. His captive thrashes, whines with angry fear when John leans over him, wiggling the grenade he wrenches free of his palm in his face. Face to face with a cracked skull inches away, the Commander sneers, sputters. “It was a good try.” John’s breath stumbles as he wraps an arm about the captive’s throat, imagines a man with such fire. Such pride. Clever and desperate.

[thegirlwhowrites642]

Little awkward question but you think Harry and Ginny had sex in Hogwarts during HBP? Because many people saying that and some saying Ginny lost hers with Dean. I was so mad when heard and think both are unreal and nonsense. What's your thoughts on this?

Ok, I'm going to answer to this one and I'm going to be very professional about it.

I can do it. I'm old enough.

Let's go in order.

Did Ginny sleep with Dean?

I know that there are people who say this, none of them are very well-versed in these books and especially in Ginny's character, but I think they say it because they think that believing the opposite would be naive or something of the sort.

When I was Ginny's age I had two friends who both had been with their respecting boyfriends for a year. One had done all that one can do and the other had never yet felt ready to do anything of relevance.

When you are fifteen being in a relationship for some months doesn't really mean automatically anything, and whatever Ginny hypothetically did or didn't do would absolutely be her own business. But seeing that we need to find an answer let's examine her personality and relationship with Dean.

Ginny has an enormous trauma linked to opening up to someone she shouldn't have trusted. She doesn't trust easily and she is very guarded as a person.

She gives importance to touch. Harry and Ginny share a love language that is mainly based on looks and touches. For her physical affection bears meaning.

She is a romantic. Ginny's character is based on the combination between a quite harsh side and a very sweet one. A lot of people like to ignore this, because apparently a woman having a full spectrum of emotions is too much for their brains, but Ginny can be very sweet. She is in love with the legend of a hero, she writes love poems, she makes singing get-well cards, she decorates lavishly her house for Christmas, she goes around with a purple pigmy puff, and more importantly, she never really gave up on Harry.

Now her relationship with Dean. It seems to be better than the one with Michael but the good days don't last that much. They got together at the end of her fourth year and didn't see each other for a whole summer, so they basically started dating in September, by Christmas they were already having problems. And in regards to physical touch, there's never any indication of Ginny being particularly affectionate with Dean outside the snogging context and she seems unnerved by the small gestures she's instead so comfortable within her relationship with Harry.

In conclusion, Ginny didn't sleep with Dean. Shocking revelation, I know.

It's made pretty clear in the books that Harry is the one person she allows to break into her emotional sphere something that is also reflected in how she is way more comfortable when touch comes from him rather than Dean. She is also a romantic, someone who would give value to her first time. When you consider all this, combined with the fact that she never gave up on Harry, the answer is clear. It's not like she was 25 and worried she would die a virgin with a hundred cats. She not only would've wanted her first time to be with Harry but he also was the only one she would've been comfortable enough with.

Did Harry and Ginny sleep together in HBP?

JKR is a great writer from several points of view but world buildings and timelines are definitely not her strong suit.

There's a bit of a problem when it comes down to understanding how long Harry and Ginny dated in HBP. The match should be on the 10th of May, or even if not precisely that day, it was still the start of May and from DH we know that Dumbledore died on the 30th of June. This would mean that they dated for more or less seven weeks.

But Harry talks about a few weeks in the break-up scene. Now, I'm not an English native speaker but when I read "few weeks" my brain understands something like three, maybe four weeks? Seeing the context maybe we can interpret it as simply Harry saying that it was not enough, or maybe it just sounded more poetic that "not even two months"?

Anyway, depending on how we want to settle this problem we can discuss how further they went but they didn't sleep together. There's no way in hell that these two would ever do that before saying "I love you", which we know didn't happen. But more importantly, if we read the scene of the kiss from DH, Harry says she was kissing him like never before, if they had sex I doubt he would've said that.

[bunnidid-reviews]

DID TV Series Review

Facts -

Series name: United States of Tara

Run time: 2009 - 2011

Fiction or Nonfiction: Fiction

Was there a diagnosis of DID? Yes, it’s mentioned several points throughout the show that Tara was diagnosed sometime before the show takes place

Was the person with DID presented as evil for having DID? No

Major Trigger warning list:

-          Suicide mentions and self harm, and a suicide attempt

-          Drug use, smoking, alcohol

-          Sexual scenes, exploration of teenage sexuality, underage sex/fetish work(nomexplicit but pretty gross)

-          Mentions of varios kinds of abuse, mostly sexual abuse

-          Grooming and stalking

-          Minor violent scenes

-          Emotional abuse, neglect from mentally ill parents

-          drowning

-          Ableism

-          Homophobia

-          General dark humor?

-          Some pretty explicit language and swearing

-          (If there are more trigger, please let me know!)

  Subjective Review(this is how I felt about it) -

Personal triggering scale from 1 to 10 (1 being not triggering at all, 10 being a badly overwhelming experience that might cause personal harm): Maybe a 4?

Personal relatability scale from 1 to 10 (1 being unrelatable, 10 being OMG THAT’S ME!): 8

Personal avoidance scale from 1 to 10(1 being eager to get on with it, 10 being impossible to finish): 2, last season is a strong 9(I don’t usually push thru it)

My interpretation of the media(Includes spoilers):

United States of Tara is the trashy DID show and I actually unapologetically love it. If you take it from the perspective that this is a dark comedy with a lot of drama thrown in, I think it’s actually very fun to watch so long as you keep the triggers listed in mind. I know it’s known to be the ~super stigmatizing show~, and maybe it is in some ways we’ll discuss in a moment, but I’m asking you to see it from this perspective: literally everyone in the show sucks. Even the minor characters have some shitty qualities to them, so Tara doesn’t hugely stand out as being evil for having DID. She just happens to have many shitty qualities and her parts reflect that, honestly.

A basic summary: Tara, a mother of two teenagers, struggles through daily life both in normal parent-y ways and in having Dissociative Identity disorder and the effects it has on the people around her. Her husband believes he can fix her. Her son is struggling with discovering his sexuality and complicated attachment, her daughter wants to grow up too quickly and chase after her romanticized dreams. Her sister can’t seem to figure out how to grow up, struggling with her own repressed trauma.

It's a three-season series so I can’t talk too extensively about each episode, so I’ll try to summarize it up by season, mostly focusing on Tara

Season 1 thoughts: On the surface level, right away, it seems like Tara’s alters are used as a gimmick or an excuse. In many ways they are. Heavily stereotyped and a bit ridiculous and as if they don’t have the entire self in mind when they act out. But to me it makes some sense because the amnesiac walls are obviously very high for these alters and they all have opposing views on how they want to live their life. By the people around her, they’re seen as a hassle, a burden, and something everyone wants to get rid of. No one is asking ‘why are you here’(well they are, annoyedly), they’re more asking ‘When are you leaving already?’ The saving grace from this season is probably the proof that suppressing Alters is not how you help them heal, and the therapist makes that very clear as well. The show writers knew what they were doing, I think.

There’s some interesting points of accuracy to my own dissociative experience even in season 1. Buck is ridiculous, but he’s protective in his own right. He has a reason for being the way he is. It especially resonated with me when Tara and Max were setting up to make love, and when Tara lost her nerve, Buck was there to take her place in a protective way.

We see substitute beliefs portrayed in Alice’s episode about wanting to have a baby and believing It to be true. Even the therapist points out what this means and again, Max isn’t listening but the show writers understood what they were doing here.

We see Tara telling people about how DID works time and time again. She has a very up-to-date understanding of her disorder and explains her experiences in such a way that it punches me with accuracy to my own feelings.

What I don’t like about season 1 is all throughout, the characters around her act as if Tara’s disorder isn’t just a burden, but a sacrifice to live around. I think in some part this is due to, yknow.. all the characters being shit. But in the last couple episodes of Season 1, in a DID-specializing psyche ward, the goal of many patients is to fully integrate their alters in a way of ‘getting rid of them’, as if they’re a burden to deal with across the board. I’m warning you on this because while I love United States of Tara, this mindset really snakes its way into my own and plays up a lot of my insecurities about being a burden, especially to my fiancé. : (

Season 2 thoughts:  I believe this season boots off after the confrontation with a past abuser and finding..Deeper truths are still stubbornly hidden. Tara gives up and suppresses the Alters once more. Obviously this doesn’t work, though it is seen as ‘everything’s moving smoothly now that I’m pretending the problem doesn’t exist’. It doesn’t last for very long of course.

I like Season 2 a lot. This is the season that Tara and her sister Charmaine are finally coming together to find out the truth and try to heal together. The way the writers handled the weird sisterly bond of growing up in trauma together with both fierce protection and resentment is.. Extremely accurate to how it’s been for me and my siblings. The way that Charmaine gradually goes from calling the alters an excuse to becoming understanding is.. A weird deep healing thing for me. I recommended my also possibly-probably-most likely multiple sibling to watch the show just for those episodes. I think it’s one of the many things I watch the show for comfort though.

There’s also that last scene in the last episode of season 2 where her husband Max, under the altar, declares that he’ll be what each and every part of her needs him to be for them from here out and I just 🥺 I’m sorry, this isn’t really part of the review, but it was a lot like the many loving binding promises words my fiance’s said to me and it made me tear up a little, okay?

As for the DID handling in this season, I’d say it was a good continuation from the first. They really delved into the topic from a knowledgeable perspective and no longer treated the audience like DID is a New and Special thing. I think the ‘burden feelings’ were less for this season as we moved into an actually healing arc. There was nothing fantastical or dramatized that wasn’t already in the first that I can recall.

Season 3. Oh boy. This is known as the horrible and bad season and I have to unfortunately agree. I believe the show was run by someone else at this point, and since there wasn’t a season 4, they had to cram a lot of finished ends where there wasn’t room for them.

I think Bryce is a bit more intense than other persecutor parts I’ve seen in media. I (sort-of) have an abuser introject and with my experience, even at his most intense down moments, the intent for how he behaves is still protective in nature. Can we make the argument with Bryce? Maybe? But I fail to see his protective motives, even if I pull back the layers of ‘these characters are just shit’ and ‘this is written to be an interesting tv show most of all’.

I think what they needed with season 3 was a season 4. More time to actually peel back their own layers and explore what it really means to be a persecutor part. It’s unfortunate that it got cut off so short and the actual answer to healing herself in the end was.. A suicide attempt and literally killing Bryce off. Which as we know, doesn’t work.

I think to cover up for the cut season, there was a lot of misinformation strewn in to the DID presentation. The alters were stripped back to be stereotypes again.

The only good thing from this season was probably the other character’s developments and one of the first episodes having a scene where all the Alters are coming together in co-consciousness.

Overall, I think United States of Tara takes a bit of unneeded flack. As being The Worst Show For DID. I don’t know yet if that’s true. I think a lot of it is down to it being one of those shows where everyone sucks, a bit like Sunny In Philadelphia. There is a lot of stigmatizing trash, sure, but when I take it with a little bit of salt, I come out really enjoying the show.

 What they got Right in my opinion:

-          No childhood trauma shown explicitly onscreen, no screaming or horror music for switches. You don’t know how much this shit bothers me

-          Multiple counts where misconceptions about DID are corrected and talked about openly. They refer to it as Dissociative Identity Disorder. Even if the characters aren’t getting it right, there are many points where a therapist has a stronger understanding of what’s going on(in the first season at least)

-          The parts relationships as they come together and the amnesia barriers lower. I’m really partial to Buck and Alice and how they’re shown to have some complexities behind being a part of a system. (I think T has some of this merit too, but they really do her dirty)

-          The subtle ways in which trauma effects the characters everyday lives and attachments. Tara struggles to have intimacy, Charmaine struggles to have a stable relationship. All of it is very rooted in trauma responses

-          Suppressing your disorder may look like it works for a little bit but it doesn’t, really.

-          Handling introjects and substitutes beliefs. Though I think Moon Knight did it a little better, it was nice that they went into this too.

-          That the lack of something important from a parent(love, stability, protection, ect) can also cause major trauma

-          -They had Gregory and the Hawk start off one of the episodes and I just hold that close to my heart, haha <3

What they got Wrong in my opinion:

-          Killing Alters off doesn’t mcfuckin work my dude

-          The whole ‘Host is the True Person’ narrative throughout. (Imo, no part is more important than the other, no part is a ‘hassle’ or a ‘burden’.)

-          Integration/fusion ‘gets rid’ of parts

-          Although they may feel like it, introjects of abusers are not actually abusers and shouldn’t be ‘killed off’ as a means of healing.

-          Just…Avoid season 3

Would I recommend this to someone with DID to watch?: Tentatively, yes. There may be more triggers than I listed. I really like the show myself because it’s like the junk food of DID content. Easy to watch and not all that good for you, probably

Just really keep in mind that ‘burdensome’ theme, it might get in your head too.