#he's so shy compared to the 7th grade one! ^_^

[britishchick09]

did i just put this entire newsreel into my senpai biography? the answer is yes! ;D

[snowviolettwhite]

Still can not get over the fact Athena and Bobby are old enough to be parents of Buck and Eddie, Buck and Eddie are young enough to be their kids.

Wonder would the effects their relationships compared to the other characters?

----

What is if wrote a cute one-shot of Athena and Bobby meeting little Buck and Eddie on 911 calls? Buck being the little daredevil he is does something dangerous and hurts himself and Eddie being the shy curious little boy is wonders off from his family and get lost.

----

Athena and Bobby had their kids late compared to their peers. Many people born in the 1960s and 1970s had kids in their late teens and early 20s.

Athena was born March 22 1968 and Bobby was born in 1968.

Athena would had May when she was 33. Her birthday is December 29 2001. She had Harry at 40. His birthday is February 7th 2009. Bobby's children would have been born in 2003 and 2005. Bobby would have been 35 and 37.

Buck was born in 1991 or 1992. Eddie was born in 1992 or 1993. Him and Shannon were in the same grades school and she was born October 16 1992. You have to have turned 5 before September 1st to start kindergarten, so his birthday would have been towards the end of 1992 or sometime in 1993.

[awhoreintheory]

30 minute realization

Lance thought back to every interaction with Keith. Every snide comment, tentative compliments, awkward silences, the gloating, the arguing. Just, everything. How Keith struggled to find the right words, often forgoing them in favor of actions. How he tilted his head when he was confused, fiddled with his knife when he was anxious, snappy when he was worked up, and the almost shy smiles when he was happy.

All of it. Everything. Everything that was just so... Keith.

They'd just gotten back from a mission— liberating a society that lived on 23 different moons — and Lance had been on a roll during the mission. He'd single handedly saved 17 out of the 23, successfully did negotiations without having Allura step out of the castle. He was pretty damn proud! Got multiple pats on the back, loads of compliments, it was awesome.

And then Keith. Keith came up after everyone else, awkward written all over his face. He offered one of those shy, crooked smiles, not quite clapping Lance on the shoulder and more so... just placing his hand there.

"Nice job out there, Sharpshooter."

Lance's brain blanked out so bad he didn't even have a quip.

As soon as he had a second to himself, Lance analyzed every interaction he’d had with Keith. 

“Nice job out there, Sharpshooter.” 

“Lance, you’re… You’re an amazing right-hand man.” 

“Hey, Lance! Over here!” 

“Lance, are you ok?” 

“Lance!”

“Lance?”

“Lance.” 

Holy shit. Holy shit. Lance had a whole ass fucking crush on Keith! Keith-fucking-Kogane! 

Lance paced, chewing on his nails. This was a problem. Don’t get Lance wrong, Keith is a likable guy! (once you get to know him) He’s sure plenty of other people have had massive, all consuming crushes on Keith. The problem here was the fact Lance couldn’t hide his crushes for shit. The crush on Hunk in 7th grade? Everyone knew within a week. The crush on Allura? (which is better compared to a hallway crush, but whatever) everyone also knew within a week! 

Lance didn’t want to cut Keith out of his life and start acting weird, that would ruin the team dynamic! Which, there’s a war going on, that’s not something Lance can just ruin willy-nilly. 

Maybe if Lance just focussed really hard on how hot Shiro is, this will be resolved—

“Hey, Lance? What’re you doing out here? We can’t have a party without the Lance McClain.” Keith smiled, Lance couldn’t see it, but he could fucking hear it in his voice. Keith placed his hand on Lance’s shoulder. 

“Lance? You ok?” Lance knew (goddamn it, he knew) Keith’s eyebrows furrowed adorably, his eyes crinkling in worry, and his lips definitely twitched down in an adorable concerned frown. 

Lance was irrevocably, heart stoppingly, middle schooler level head over heels. 

And he’d just have to accept that. Lance’s chest fluttered. Not that he really had a problem with that. 

Lance turned around, grin half formed and blush full force. “Am I ok? No no, sir, are you ok?” 

Keith raised an eyebrow, and Lance wrapped his arm around his shoulder and began to lead them out of the room. Keith rolled his eyes, but played along. 

“And why wouldn’t I be ok?” Keith smiled, probably expecting the usual jab. 

Lance “mock” checked out Keith’s ass, “Because you’re carrying around that absolute dump truck 24/7!” 

Keith, actually, full body froze. He wasn’t capable of processing the words Lance had just regurgitated. “I— what?” 

Lance grinned, skipping off and leaving Keith behind, for he knew what was to come. 

“LANCE!” 

Lance began running, giggling all the way. Oh boy, was Keith going to whoop his ass. 

[epic-sorcerer]

warning: childhood suicide

a 10 year old boy named Sammy teusch was on the news because he committed suicide. Because of bullying. As someone who attempted suicide just 2 days before my 7th birthday, this story hit really, really hard. RIP sammy. I heard on the news that he spent his birthday money on gifts for his parents and his vacation time in Florida picking up trash.

I see that ther were people in the comments shocked that a 10 year old would know about suicide, one even claimed it was “fishy.” I can understand where this point of view can come from if you had a comparably easier childhood.

the rest of this post is to provide context as to what it feels to be a young, bullied kid with suicidal ideation.

the thing is, you don’t need to know about suicide to want it so desperately. I didn’t know about suicide when I was that age. But I DID know people could die. I did know that once a body is dead, there is no pain. And there are no ears to listen to horrible words anymore. Or eyes to see everyone else having fun and being friends with each other.

point is, people can suffer at all ages. So can they be desperate to end it quickly. Some of you reading this may remember the comic I made about my birthday, detailing how I commited suicide due to my greif of my grandmother dying. That is true, but god there was so much more going on that couldn’t fit on 4 panels.

at 3 my parents noticed I had something wrong with me that caused a lot of pain, but I would not be daignosed with AMPS(also known as the suicide disease, so go figure) until I was 7.5 years old. Even then, I wouldn’t really make any headway until extremely recently. I also had undiagnosed adhd, anxiety, seasonal affective disorder(depression), dyslexia and dyscalculia.

I was in constant torture in my mind and body. I was being emotionally abused at home(emotional distress and trauma feeds into amps so it was also physical in a way), had an ableist and just horrible first grade teacher, was isolated from most of my peers if not bullied, had no idea why my head was so stupid and broken, and yeah. My grandmother was dead. Still dead.

of course I wanted to die. Who wouldn’t? I had already been showing self harming behaviors by 5 or 6, so it wasn’t a thought that was out of left feild.

I have memories of my mom driving me to school in the mornings. I would go on monologues about how much I wished to die. Over and over and over. I talked about it like it was a summer vacation, or I guess, a perminant summer vacation. Because that is what it was to me. I belived I had suffered enough in my life and that I was ready to just do away with it. No more suffering. No more suffering.

On November 28th, my grandmother’s death date, I attempted suicide. I wrote a note on my white bored in my room that I was running away. But to please not throw away my stuff just yet incase I come back. Then I left my home. Thankfully my mom got to me quickly and took me home.

I am not so sure hwo to end this, I was not magically cured that day. I even graduated to cutting my feet with sharp objects soon after. But yeah, that’s my story. Questions are extremly welcome, creating awareness about this is important to me so don’t be shy. Thanks for reading

And oh yeah, ok to reblog. Actually encouraged for awareness tbh

[tannieastrology]

Ranting about my crush

This is gonna be a long rant so be prepared! I’m gonna start by telling you our placements.

He is a Gemini Rising, Cancer Sun, Capricorn Moon, Leo Venus, Virgo Mars

I am a Libra Rising, Aquarius sun, Scorpio Moon, Capricorn Venus, Gemini Mars

So about three or four years ago in 6th grade I had met him in school because we had a class together for history. At first sight I never really thought much of him. He wasn’t my type (he’s very short) and we never talked much. He was just any other boy I knew in class and I remember actually liking an upperclassman at the time.

A year later in 7th grade the feelings for the upperclassman went away and I was crush-free. Me and him joined crosscountry for the first semester and we started talking a little more. It wasn’t much, I mean, I can only remember talking to him like 3 or 4 times, but everytime we talked he was always harsh and sarcastic. Maybe it was because I was a top athlete and student at the time so maybe he was bitter because he was struggling in athletics? I’m not sure because honestly, I’m still trynna figure that out. He was always supportive when I ran though and I can remember the times when he used to cheer me on. We had no classes together and we were not important to each others lives at all. Thats all I can remember from our interactions that year.

Now the third year, which was 8th grade last year, was when things started to change. I had about four classes with him and we also had extracurriculars outside of school like choir and athletics. I used to talk to his friends and they used to tease me a lot because thats just how we talk to each other. I guess he saw I was comfortable with their bickering so he got in on it and now, that’s our regular way of talking because that’s how we bonded. Our relationship is weird to say the least. Its like provoking the other gives a certain satisfaction. The constant insults, the competitiveness, the jokes, and time spent together all eventually made me fall for him. It wasnt until my birthday in January that made me realize I liked him. No happy birthday came through from him, but then again, we’re not close. After that, everything he did started to do upset me. It made me wonder. Why does he talk to me like that? Does he hate me? Or do I hurt his ego? It was just that he actually started to insult me and started to make sterotypical racist jokes even when I asked him countless of times to stop. Cause I’m Indian and he’s Vietnamese right, so he thought it was okay to make those types of jokes because he’s asian too. The fact that I like him made me more sensitive to what he said compared to other people. Because he never talks to anyone else like that and we werent even that close for him to be talking to me in that way. Each day my mood depended on how he talked to me. I got obsessed and I used to zone out wondering if he liked me back. What made everything more complicated was that he liked 2 other girls. The first girl was my friend. They liked each other in 6th grade but they were too shy to approach each other. When 7th grade came around he started liking the 2nd girl. He was really down bad for the second girl and still is. My friend had asked him out during the first semester but he said no because he like the 2nd girl more. Throughout the year all of our laughs and bickering eventually had alot of people shipping us including my science teacher because they think we have a enemies to lovers relationship. All I can say is that he had me on edge. Ive never felt this strongly about anyone before. He was nice one day when he needed answers and then the next day he was back to annoying me. I’m not gonna lie sometimes it was really cute but a majority of the times he crossed the line. So much happened within the year that I cant even explain everything but all I know is that I’m down bad.

Now freshman year has rolled around. I have no classes with him which is great because I’m trying to move on but its not working. The girl he’s liked for three years got asked out by his best friend to homecoming and I’m sitting here hoping for more. In the summer I talked to him over text and told him to back off the insults which clearly didnt work. I tried to ignore him and be nice to him so many times but he always comes back and bothers me. And this bitch always stares at me so intensely like he wants to kill me. Its frustrating that he got me stuck in this endless loop of mind games. I dont know how things are gonna end up. Ive held this in for so long I just needed to let it out. Thank you for listening.

Heres the synastry and composite chart in case yall want to see. He’s blue and I am red

I’d love to hear about your story of unrequited crushes! Please leave a comment and tell me what you think of him and why he acts like that!

-Simi

[vegasandhishedgehog]

The fool, the chariot and the moon? 🌚

The fool: do you have any nicknames?

Yeah! Maddi is actually my nickname (full is Madison). Others people have given me are Mads and Mad Dawg. I don't mind whatever people choose to call me or if you make one up, I will answer to all of them 😊

The chariot: thoughts on astrology?

Oh, there was a good post I saw that articulated my feelings on it because it compared people who were way into astrology vs people who were into MBTI. I don't really take astrology too seriously, but I would absolutely be down to have someone draw my chart for me and even if they explain every life event and profile every person by the stars and planets I can just shake my head and respect them otherwise. If anyone would like to make a chart for me, feel free to message me, I'll give you something to do!

Someone who seriously uses MBTI to profile people and explain how they are follows an ideology based on white supremacy and eugenics, and if they are unaware of that well now is the time to do some research! I used to look into it myself and didn't really see too much harm, but then again I am white and I grew up under ideals I am constantly working to let go of and correct every day. Didn't mean to get kinda on my soap box in an ask, I just think it's really important to be aware of these things 😅

The moon: have you ever written a love letter?

Yes. I was in 7th grade, just a wee 13 year old who didn't know shit about real crushes or attraction, but I had picked a guy who was in a handful of my classes because he was funny. His family was in the military so part way through the year he moved to Japan, so I did what any teen novel protagonist would do and wrote him a confession letter describing my extremely juvenile but nevertheless grand feelings for him using the cheesiest and most embarrassing language imaginable. You could blackmail me with that thing. I would be horrified to learn it still exists in a form that is still readable. The poor kid emailed me, absolutely by the order of his parents, to thank me for the letter. To this day, that dude is out there remembering getting a letter from this shy girl he vaguely knew but barely talked to, moving out of the country, and opening that envelope to the most brain melting tween prose that indicated that there were several things wrong with her. Least of which was apparent that I didn't have a real crush because I was so ace I turned down literally everyone for years while continuing to confuse emotional attachments with romantic ones. I feel sorry for doing that to him all the damn time 😅

[meatballdonut]

Let's Go Home: Eddie Munson X Shy! Reader

Summary: the reader never really spoke and tried not to bring attention to herself, but when Dustin says something stupid at lunch she managed to bring unwanted attention her way.

Warnings: Social Anxiety, Panic attack, Low self-esteem, tiny little bit of violence, brief mention of decapitation, I think that's it.

Pairing: Eddie Munson X reader

Word count: 1,620

----------------------------------

You and Eddie have been friends since middle school, and like Eddie, school is not your strong suit. You never really cared though, because as long as you had Eddie with you school was bearable.

When you and Eddie first met, you were placed in the same music class in 7th grade. You never talked to anyone and you tried to avoid being noticed. Despite your efforts, Eddie did notice you. He would talk to you every day without actually getting a response from you as you tried to ignore him and focus on the assignments given. As time went on, he got more and more comfortable with your "talking" arrangement. He knew you were incredibly shy and got anxious when there was too much interaction between you and other people. He would leave notes in your instrument case just to get a smile out of you. Your favorite being "toot toot goes the floot" even though he knew damn well you didn't play the flute. You keep that note with you every day, along with some others that you kept at home.

You would eventually begin speaking small words and phrases to Eddie, which made him flash you the biggest smile you'd ever seen. He was happy you were starting to be comfortable talking to him, even if it was small.

It is now your senior year in high school, and you've developed the biggest crush you could imagine on the "freak" of Hawkins. Of course, you didn't tell him that, opting to keep the safety of keeping things the way they were. Things had changed drastically between the two of you compared to how things were when you first met. Sometimes you can't help but find yourself babbling on and on about things that you don't even know interest Eddie. This led Eddie to fall even more for you, not just because you were okay with being seen with him despite his reputation, but because he was one of the only people with who you were comfortable talking for long periods of time.

You sat with the Hellfire group at lunch listening to them talk about their campaign, things relating to DND, and other nonsensical things. Your favorite topic of today is the life-threating animal that would surely bring fear into everyone's hearts - a goose. You could help but snort at the accusation thrown out by Dustin. which led to everyone's eyes landing on you. this wasn't the first time everyone's focus had been placed on you so it wasnt too out of the ordinary, but lucky you, Jason happened to be walking nearby and heard you laugh.

"Didn't know you liked to hang out with barn animals freak" You hunched over trying to move the focus to anyone other than yourself. . Eddie being Eddie noticed your immediate discomfort but didn't know how to diffuse the situation. "Oh, so the piggy and the freak can't speak?" You weren't big, but you had a poor self-image and the comment went straight to your head. You could feel the tears start to build up in your eyes and your heart rate slightly began to increase. you didn't notice the insults being thrown back and forth between Eddie and Jason until Eddie called him the freak, which for some reason struck a nerve with Jason, which quickly led to them yelling loud enough for everyone in the cafeteria to give the argument all of their attention.

You tried to walk away, which everyone at the Hellfire table understood but Jason and his goons couldn't understand why you were walking away and decided to go after you while Jason and Eddie had their cat fight. "Oink Oink-where ya' going freak lover - Oink Oink" "Awwww piggy going back to the farm" As you made your way to the door two of the basketball players stood in front of the doors to block your escape. "P-please move" Your voice came out quiet and small. when you spoke you didn't dare look at them, knowing they would see your distressed state and that would only add fuel to the fire. "sorry we couldn't hear you, you're gonna have to repeat yourself" you tried to re-create your previous request, but you couldn't muster up the courage to get any words out. As you stood there, you could feel their eyes drilling holes into you, making it even more difficult to speak or move. After a few seconds they got bored of the silence, and the little effort you made to try and get passed them.

Suddenly, with a forceful shove, you were on the ground looking up at them. Tears streaming down your face from the comments that didn't stop coming, the argument happening between Jason and Eddie, and the confrontation happening between you and the two basketball players whose names you'd never bothered to learn. When you landed on the ground, that seemed to be what finally got Eddie's attention back on you. He could see your demeanor, how you slowly sat back up, avoiding anyone's gaze, and your breathing begins to quicken. He knew what was about to happen before you did. He quickly walked away from Jason, leaving him confused at the abrupt end of their argument about social status, and made his way over to you. Shoving anyone in the way and glaring at anyone who tried to stop him. He helped you up, grabbed your books, and began to lead you out of the cafeteria not noticing the two jocks standing in front of the door with mischievous grins on their faces. "Move" His voice coming out the complete opposite of yours, strong and unwavering. Your anxiety growing, and Eddies form protecting yours he quickly pushed pasted the two men and led you out. What seemed to be the end of the entire ordeal finally led to your break. You couldn't seem to catch your breath, your heart was beating out of your chest to a different unknown location, and your thoughts going a million miles an hour but at the same time they were blank.

Eddie pulled you into a tight embrace to try and distract you from the previous events. He was well versed with your anxiety, knowing exactly what to do and when to do it. " you gotta breathe sweetheart" his words were in direct contrast to how he had spoken to the men, he was quiet and relaxed. Your breathing had gotten no slower, you couldn't get enough air in. "shhh I've got ya, I'm right here" He started rocking the two of you back and forth in an attempt of shifting your focus to your movement which almost worked but not enough to bring you out of your head. You started to feel dizzy from the lack of air going into your body, and as if he was psychic, he could sense that you we starting to feel that way.

"Baby please breathe, match my breathing if you have to just please breathe" He had never called you baby before, the small comment was just enough to bring you out of your headspace and match his breathing just like he had said. slowly but surely, you had managed to get your breathing back under control. "good job sweetheart, good job" As you looked up in the attempt to say thank you you couldn't get the words out, exhausted from the ordeal, all you could do was lay your head back on Eddie's chest and sigh. He knew you were grateful but he never expected a thank you. To be completely honest, he liked being the one there for you, he liked being the only person you would let hold you like this. We started rubbing small circles on your back to let you know that he understood what you were trying to communicate.

You both sat there in silence for a bit, neither one wanting to let go, but soon enough the lunch bell rang signaling that everyone who was in the cafeteria was soon to be rushing out the doors. Eddie stood you and himself up and began to walk out towards the doors of the school "Let's go home sweetheart" Eddie knew you weren't one for skipping school, but the fact the he was leading you out by your hand left little room for protest.

The ride home was quiet, the only noise was the quiet hum of his van and the music that was almost silent in the background. You sat there thinking about how he was there for you- just like he always was. You thought about how he called you baby and how right it sounded when it was directed towards you. you were so engulfed by your thoughts you didn't even realize you had made it back to Eddie's trailer.

He led you in and gave you comfortable clothes to wear, including one of his favorite band shirts. "I vote we watch horror movies for the rest of the day and every time someone dies, we pretend it's Jason," He said with a shit-eating grin on his face. you let out a subtle laugh.

"Eddie, I love you" the second half of your statement seemed to get lost but Eddie always heard you no matter how small your voice was.

"I love you too princess, I love you too"

for the rest of the night, you and Eddie did pretend that everyone who died was Jason, which was even funnier when a character was decapitated and their head was thrown into a literal laundry basket, leaving the both of you a hysterical mess. This is how you wanted the rest of your life to be. An Eddie felt the same

[ulec-elec]

The important ocs for my AU, well the ones you don‘t already know (and with important I mean characters who are allowed to talk to cannon characters)

Dalia:

Harpy‘s Friend from Taliesin Academy. She‘s the daughter of the headmistress and therefore was chosen along with her two closest friends (one of them being Harpy) to be example students for the WP (scare school‘s witches program)

She‘s focused on good grades and being the perfect witch, a thing that she insists her friends on achieving as well.

Tempest:

She‘s the other friend of Dalia. She has a crush on her therefore she‘s pretty much ignoring her rude and toxic behaviors. She tends to be a yes man, love makes blind after all. But she has a good heart.

Merlin:

He‘s not from Taliesin Academy but rather someone who used to be homeschooled by his parents because they didn’t have the connection for this high class magic school.

He is a trouble maker and will be the reason reason why Harpy get‘s possessed by a demon. He later on will be Dalias boyfriend.

Mila:

She is the cousin of Mickey and Monaco. She has to repeat this grade due to bad grades (summer school is not a thing at scare school, you just repeat the grade you failed at)

She‘s the cool, older cousin who‘s so whise, even though she‘s only one year older.

Now that the skeleton twins aren’t a pack anymore but rather a trio it becomes hard for Monaco to stay in Mickey’s focus. Which, much like last year, forces Monaco to sit next to Wolfie (which isn’t really bad but yk sibling drama n all that jazz)

She‘s also Mantha‘s roommate you can imagine how this goes

Wave:

Wave is the rival class‘ class rep, so in the same grade as the mains. She’s the one who will found the girls Basketball team, which Mantha will join (much later). She wants to fight the „Seacreatures belong to the swimming team“ mentality.

(She will later one show up more frequent, but not a deep role)

River:

Is Wave‘s older brother and much like Mila failed his 7th year and now has to repeat it. (I just mention him for the sake of it, he‘s probably the least important one lmao, I just needed to fill some seats lmao) He likes to annoy his sister and that happens a lot by flirting with her team mates (Mantha for example yk yk)

Millie:

Mantha‘s childhood friend. She attends Summer Camp together with Mantha every year. They are pretty close, even though Mantha moved away in Middle school (the summer from 5th to 6th year)

Millie is a lot like Mantha but if you‘d compare the two, Mantha would seem calm and rational.

She‘s not a big fan of Casper (to be fair she wasn’t a big fan of Frankie either „but he at least looked acceptable“)

Sachmet (+ Chnum and Sobek):

Sachmet is Ra‘s (ex) fiancé. They are pretty good friends, they used to have a very close friendship, which losened up a little after they started attending different schools. They kept the texting up tho. Unlike Ra she knows how to talk to her dad and to get her will. Which lead to her getting to marry her crush.

Chnum, Said crush, he‘s a little shy and not at rich as the rest of the Egyptian gang. He and Ra hooked up once but neither knew each other’s names or faces, just voices.

Sobek is Ra‘s Cousin. Who used to crush on Sachmet. They don‘t have much contact besides at royal events. He‘s a little bit like spooky but unlike spooky he‘s not the golden cousin. So big jealousy.

——

There are a few more, mostly people from Thatch‘s past (like Mary) and Grover but my hand hurts

[renalyndhana]

First Letter: Me

-  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -

Dear Reader,

If you are reading this, I hope you had a nice day. I’m certain that you still do not know who I am as I have not introduced myself yet. So, If you are interested in getting to know me, please keep on reading :)

Hi! I would like to formally introduce myself. I am Renalyn Dhana Sanchez Igmen, born on the 7th day of April 2003 and now 17 years old. I am a grade 12 student at University of Perpetual Help System DALTA-Molino taking the academic strand STEM. The reason behind my choice of strand is because of my ambition of becoming a doctor, although it is uncertain whether I would pursue this dream or not. One things is for sure, though; I will be taking the course Bachelor of Science in Psychology on college. Why? I will tell you later. Let me further introduce myself, first..

I am the eldest daughter of my parents and I have one younger sister. Due to this fact, I have grown to be independent. I always run errands for my mom and do a lot of things on my own. Though I also need help sometimes, I would prefer being the one helping instead. I will call myself reliable. If you need a helping hand, you can reach out to me and I will do my best to help in any way I can. As a student, when it comes to group tasks, I like taking charge whenever there is no one else initiating. I can lead but I also make sure to listen to everyone’s opinions. I am also a responsible student. However, I prefer doing my assignments a day before the deadline or on the day of the deadline because I am more motivated knowing the deadline is near. I always make sure I did my best though. I pay attention to details and make sure my works are well-thought of. I am a visual learner. I am able to learn more efficiently when I read or write something than listening to someone talking. When it comes to subjects, I struggle in most parts of Math related subjects, perform averagely in Science subjects and mostly do well in English subjects because it has always been my favorite subject since elementary school.

As a person in general, I can’t say I am very friendly. I like having friends and talking to friends but I am not very good in conversing with new people. I am neither an introvert nor an extrovert, the term is ambivert. I may seem aloof at first but don’t let my appearance fool you because that is just me being shy. Approach me and I would love to talk to you. However, I do have a smaller circle of friends now compared to what I had back in junior high school. I like to keep it that way because of a bad experience I had back then, I was betrayed by some people I considered close friends. But, that’s all in the past now. I am very happy with how things are working now. 

When it comes to my personal interests, I have a lot of things to tell. My hobbies are reading, writing, watching movies/shows, baking, fangirling, playing mobile games. I love reading, though not always books. I own a lot of short novels and fiction books but that is only because they are affordable and accessible. For the other things I am interested in, I can only research and read about them in the internet. That is why I believe I am fortunate for being born in the time of technological innovation. I also love writing, may it be stories, or short poems. I also love watching movies (mostly romance and fantasy genres), Korean dramas and some Anime. After taking the elective Baking in junior high school, I grew an interest in it, that is why I also began practicing it at home. I am not an expert but I can bake!  I am also a fanatic of the K-pop boy group EXO, that is why fangirling is one of my hobbies. Lastly, playing mobile games is my past time and source of entertainment.

When I was very young, I wanted to be a fashion designer. I loved drawing dresses and I was very girly. Then, when I was in elementary school, I wanted to be a teacher, probably because I have a big respect and great admiration to my teachers. But, upon reaching junior high school, I started seeing what I really wanted. I want to be a doctor and I also found myself interested in things related to Psychology and Abnormal Psychology. For some reason, I just grew a deep interest in mental illnesses and this is also what opened my eyes to the importance of mental health. I want to advocate on Mental Health Awareness as it is a relevant issue that is still being overlooked by most people in our society. That is why, I want to study B.S. Psychology in college. Whether or not I will go to Medical School after getting my bachelor’s degree will depend on the state of my life during that time. 

I am very sorry for the long introduction. But, I do hope you have an idea about who I am now. Take note that this is only my first letter to you and there are more to come. <3

Before ending this letter, I want to share my motto in life: “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.” Drop your worries and let time flow. You don’t have to rush things because life is not a race and we all have our own pace. The person you are meant to be is not like a treasure that you will find buried in a chest, rather, he/she is created and shaped throughout your journey. So, keep in mind that the person you will be is all up to you. 

Yours Truly, Dhana

[kezibun]

Random SF headcanons

So I've had the SF bros on my mind recently. Tbh they probably are my most thought out characters, with them kind of being a mixture of many different versions of them with my own twists, they might just be my favourite pair of brothers. I mean I love Red and Edge but Black and Rus' sibling dynamic Is just awesome. 

When in the underground they were the Malevolent Sans and his loyal but deadly Mutt, no one dared to cross them, yet at home they were just two loving brothers. 

I headcanon that they managed to pull off the boss and underling facade without affecting their sibling relationship as much as the UF bros did. Mostly because one Black is the older brother who looked after Rus all those years so he had a good measure of his respect already and two Rus was already the quiet (shy) mysterious type who's always looked to his older brother for protection and orders, and Black has always given him exactly that. It just worked for them and all it took was a little extra training to make Rus the ultimate weapon, he was already strong and more than willing to execute every single order barked at him. So as soon as Black figured out a plan to get into the Royal guard and for Rus to play his part as his minion it was set in motion. 

Rus was more then willing to do a lot of the dirty work and have his big bro take all the glory (he's never been much for fanfare and attention) tho it wasn't long before people recognised Rus as Black's loyal minion and began calling him Sans' Mutt, no one dared to even look at the brothers in the wrong way, they were the dream team. Rus didn't mind his new title but Black? He hated people calling his brother Mutt, despite seeing the need to use this new nickname, he felt it down graded and insulted his brother but that's why it was so perfect, this is what was needed to protect his little brother… Soon after came the need for Rus to call Black M'lord. Yet again Rus didn't mind, Black felt a little iffy about it but not half as much as calling his brother Mutt… even tho it was part of the plan to make everyone see Rus as his lower minion and as if he was nothing compared to himself he still loved his brother and didn't like the feeling of degrading him and he could see the toll it was starting to take on his brothers already rather low self esteem and confidence.

The only strain this put on their relationship (other then the fact they were so busy they didn't get much time alone to just chat...) is something that Black felt and still feels a little guilty about, it's the fact that when he escaped with his brother he had the responsibility of raising a child thrust upon him, (despite still being one himself)… but instead he trained up a weapon under the facade it would help keep them both safe (and it did), but he feels that maybe he could of just protected them both and let his sweet, innocent, shy brother stay exactly that, an untainted sweet, innocent boy… instead of the LV tainted, highly deadly, very loyal Mutt he trained him to be. Deep in Black's soul he wonders whether he really had to train Rus the way he did to protect both of them or if it was actually just a way to further his own interests, help him get into the royal guard and climb to the top. He feels like he could have done better… as if he failed his brother. . .

Well…. After all the deep thinking I started wondering about food as you do. I know Rus' favourite food and snack are those sweet potato cinnamon cookies and he likes to drink BBQ sauce, cinnamon tea and chai latte (Rus loves cinnamon and other spices), and of course Black likes burritos but does he have a favourite snack… I couldn't really think of a snack food that Black would love, he likes cake but not that much, all I could really think about was what drinks he likes, you probably noticed that he is a proper coffee snob, he just loves his coffee and it must reach all his standards, but I also thought about whether or not he likes wine? And I came to the conclusion he likes red wine but I think he might actually prefer it mulled (hot with spices for those who don't know) then of course I had to figure out how he found out about mulling wine… and I came up with a little scene… 

I've gotta give you a little background for this scenario, why? Is it necessary? No not really but I wanna ok!? Plus gives a little more weight to it... 

Well you see here Black is about 21 so Rus is 17. Black is head of the guards and anything the Queen can give him to do, he is basically second to the Queen in status and has been for almost a year now. It's a pretty tough time for the boys though, a certain little kid has been visiting and messing with time, this is about the 5th or 7th time? But who's counting? Not Black who remembers everything or Rus who has been getting Nightmares about past timelines.

 The last three routes took a serious toll on Black, before this it had all been normal pacifist routes but they had their first (and only) true pacifist route, they got a taste of the surface world but when Chara got bored they reset the universe again, they were all ripped away from the perfect surface life... then Chara decided to go and do the first of many genocide routes… and the last route was back to normal pacifist that left most happy... but not Black… remember the fact that Black was the second to the Queen? Well no one really knew what Black was to Toriel, a loyal servant? A friend? Was he like a son to her? Or was it more romantic? There were theories but No one knew... Not even Black did, all he knew was he rather liked the attention she and everyone was giving him. But what happened in this route? Well Chara had played matchmaker and brought Toriel and Asgore back together which left Black rather forgotten and cast aside, while most celebrated so he felt even more left out, alone, like nothing, a nobody,  … until the next reset that put everything to normal and him back in the centre of attention but with the feeling it didn't mean anything, it left him a little empty, hollow especially after the hard times he just lived through and all the struggles, that attention felt like one of the few things he could look forward to, that he could enjoy but now it felt fake, just not real. 

Basically Black had been dealt three rather big blows in a row so he was a little fed up… and Chara should be arriving in a day or two as usual after a reset, to do whatever the hell they wanted and Black was feeling more then a little helpless with how out of his control it always was…

OK that got deep again… um… now lets get into the scene.

"M'lord?" Rus asks as he sits on the kitchen counter.

Black looks away from his new cookbook to turn to him. "Papyrus, please don't call me that when we're alone…"

"Sorry bro… habit I guess. We don't see each other at home as often as we used to… speaking of... You're home really early. What is it about 7? You're usually at work for at least another 3 to 5 hours? What's up?"

"Yes, well her majesty sent me home early for looking unwell…" 

"You ok tho?"

Black nods before stirring the pot in front of him. "Just tried, don't worry about it brother."

"Ok… well um... what ya cooking? smells good."

"I'm trying a recipe from this new cookbook to help wind down, it's called mulled wine." He then tastes it and puts a few more spices in.

"Did you just put cinnamon in? Can I try some when you're done?" Rus chimes. 

"I guess you can have a little. And maybe we can chat for a bit with it? it's been a while hasn't it. You can tell me about your day, and put in your order for the shopping this week. Maybe we could schedule a music session? Or you can talk about anything and everything." 

"Yeah, that sounds good. Thanks bro." 

[blackhatclubblog]

Top Ten Shows with #s in the titles

Because there are many ways to divide dramas, and this is one. XD The K2 Oh, yes, let's start with the one that should have been so much cooler. What should have been the core of the story: is it possible for a good, if terribly broken (kudos to the show for portraying PTSD), man to save a bad, and equally broken, woman with the power of his friendship? Unfortunately, they thought a ridiculous lot of action, a few good actors, and the potential for awesome could save an 11th hour gutting of the best parts of the drama in favor of an absolutely idiotic (and entirely inappropriate) loveline with a actress who could not hold her own against the other leads. It did not work. I will say the action scenes are still fun and the OST is one I still enjoy, though. Right along with the glorious speculation on what could have been. XD 7th Grade Civil Servant ...'k, and this was a DNF. It was a stupid, slapstick spy comedy that even fans of such (of which I am not one) did not enjoy. I was hoping, because it had Joo Won in, but...no. I could barely make it through the beginning. Two Weeks Okay, I liked this one. It is a drama not really for children or the undiscerning...but a good story in multiple ways. It’s one of those incredible redemption stories that I adored but that which is slightly harder to recommend to everyone indiscriminately. Basically, the MC made a terrible choice in attempting to protect someone he loved, and his life was destroyed. When the story starts, he is in a very bad place, and the story doesn't shy away from the depths to which he has sunk. When his ex-girlfriend finds him and tells him that she actually had the baby he demanded she abort, and that baby is now a young girl dying of leukemia who needs him donate stem cells...his life takes a different turn. Watching him fight step by step to believe that he can change, that he can become the person those he loves need so desperately, and come to a full understanding of what exactly he has done in the past...it's incredible. {There is a scene where he ends up helping a stranger deliver her baby, and the moment it truly hits him what he almost forced his girlfriend to do and that he might never have met his daughter if his girlfriend had followed through...gah.} This ^ scene, sure, might lose a few points for why is a man on the run from the police and the bad guys helping a random lady deliver a baby of all things? and is this too on the nose in forcing him to make up for not supporting his own family when he should have done so? But it all depends on how you feel about symbolism. XD Also, I just discovered, doing my usual fruitless search for a good MV of Two Weeks, that Japan has also done a version, which stars Miura Haruma. Which A) brb, watching that now, and B) that leads directly into: 5 Minutes to Tomorrow A man enters the twisting reality of a highly concerning pair of twin sisters...which one died and which one came home as his wife?  This also counts as a DNF, I guess, because I have tried to watch this movie 2-3 times and fallen asleep promptly every time, which is not a great recommendation for any kind of murder mystery. To be fair, the Chinese or Japanese movies I have watched have been few and far between. All of the latter, however have been the fault of the following drama: Bloody Monday 1-2 This is totally cheating and I really don't care. There are rare Korean or Japanese shows with seasons, so I'm utilizing that unique aspect. XD Anyway, it's been a while since I watched it, but I highlight it for 2 reasons: Miura Haruma and Sato Takeru.   Okay, just kidding. But I keep checking out and then dropping Japanese films and shows in hopes of one or the other of these two will be in another show as brilliantly addicting as this one. So far, Sato Takeru is the only one who has managed it. What made Bloody Monday so good? Plotting, pacing, characters. It is a j-drama/dorama, so be warned that compared to the k-dramas I tend to watch it is a little more graphic in terms of language, death, clothing choices, subject matter...but if you're looking for a fight-the-terrorist-save-the-world story utilizing a genius hacker and his best friends and a brilliantly charismatic villain..this is it. The villain subconsciously inspired a decent amount of my Contract to Time Travel character Ja-Il - his intelligence, his charisma, his relationship with his siblings...but one of the main reasons I love it is that the MC is so resoundingly true. When it comes down to saving his country or betraying his principles, what choice will he make? Tactically he may be stupid, but he's still practically a child, and the strength of his convictions matters to me. Also, I loved that season 2 did not pick up with everyone the same. It showed how people were hurt, how people were changed, how people grew up, from season 1. It hurt, but it felt real. Queen for Seven Days Speaking of watching new dramas because of who is in them...Park Min Young SLAYS in every drama I've seen her in (including rom com, which I DO NOT EVEN WATCH but which I have watched for her and pretty much died laughing over)...and Yeon Woo Jin (who...now that I think about it...I have watched a rom-com with him in it too...yikes...this is not me...) Maybe I'm an idiot for wanting to ruin the two rom-coms I've enjoyed in my life by seeing two of their leads in a tragedy, but...I have heard nothing but high praise for every aspect of this drama except the trailers, and once I get past my current stack of tragic historical dramas, I'm definitely going to watch this one. Five Fingers This one is on hold...to be honest, I only ever wanted to watch it because of the opening sequence of piano music, which I watched. All I know is it's about pseudo-brothers and revenge and pianos? And there's a fire in there somewhere? Which sounds like a fun combination, but I'm not sure as a story that has enough weight to pull me completely in. I might do better with my time to just learn some piano music for myself.... 38 Task Force Okay, for something not a revenge tragedy...this weirdly named show is for fans of Leverage and Seo In Guk. The relationships weren't quite so well done as I'd hoped, and the cons (which then became the point of it all) were minimally memorable. I remember one of them involved the main conman giving a speech at a fancy place...and another involved him coming up with a car out of thin air...and another had something to do with antiques and throwing money everywhere. So. I remember enjoying it enough to watch it...but not much else. Rating: Eh. School 2013 Aw...one more drama that is neither tragedy nor romance. It's a school drama about guilt, honesty, dreams, the impact of adult role models on troubled children, and a David-Jonathan friendship that went horribly wrong. As such it is a lot less weighty than most of the others on this list...yet while you're watching it you forget that the only thing at stake is the friendship of some high school boys and possibly their futures. Which I think is something Korean dramas sometimes excel at - is the tragic destruction of a friendship going to destroy the world? No, but when you're in the situation it might feel like it is, and the drama manages to pull you in so that you feel what they're feeling. Six Flying Dragons Sooooo....back to tragedies....*cough* Caveat: I have not yet finished this. But just the first few episodes plunged me into the founding of a nation and the creation of a man - I love how Korean dramas are not afraid to spend the time setting up the world and showing you exactly what choices were made to make someone the person they became. And maybe it’s a bloody mess of history but it’s tragic and fascinating and even if largely fictionalized there is so much to learn from history, let alone about story-telling. I’m looking forward to watching this one as a whole.   What is your favorite drama or movie with a number in the title? Which of the above have you watched? XD

[zoeykaytesmom]

What is Life? (Chapter 5)

This will be my last update tonight. Hopefully I can get the masterlist figured out before tomorrow lol.

@lyssa1385​ @sweetsummertime99​ @esparza-army​ @gibbs274​ @tropes-and-tales​ @jramirezblogs​ @thatesparzacrush​ @xemopeachx​ @celebsexual-stardust​ @barbafan69​ anyone else just ask

Senior Year was beginning which meant college application deadlines would be looming, Prom would be in the spring, then it would be graduation time. They all knew it could go by in a flash.

After their little make-out session during the summer, Rafael and Izzy were more nervous and awkward around each other. Both of them were shy and it was like they wanted to ask each other where they stood but were too afraid.

It didn’t help that as soon as school started, Yelina was draped all over him, all the time.

“Just tell him you like him,” Erin told her during lunch. “And that you always have. No, screw that. Tell him you love him.”

“Erin…”

“Tell me I’m lying. The only reason you don’t have ‘Mrs. Rafael Barba’ scribbled all over your notebooks is because he uses yours to compare to his.”

“And I’m not in the 7th grade, either.”

“What are you trying to say?” Erin asked as she held up a notebook of her own with the initials “E.H + N.A” with a big heart around it.

“I’m not saying a word,” Izzy laughed as she took a bite of the chili cheese fries she had gotten for lunch.

“Lauren seems to be getting a long with Bradley pretty well,” Erin mused as she looked across the cafeteria.

“Yeah, she does.”

“You could have that, too, you know.”

“It’s not like that. I mean…I just don’t want to talk about it anymore, really.”

“Talk about it to him.”

****

“Okay, I can do this,” Izzy said to herself as she walked up to Rafael. “Hey, Raf.”

“Hey, Izz,” he smiled when she walked up to him at his locker as the school day had ended.

“You got a minute?”

“For you? I have 5.”

“Thanks. Uh, you know, what happened…back in the summer?”

“Yeah,” he said with a half smile.

“We’ve kinda…it doesn’t seem like we’re as close as we used to be.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Look, I like you, Rafael. I have for a long time. I’ve just been scared to say anything.”

“Uh, I…uh…I liked you, too.”

“Liked?”

“I mean I still do but Yelina and I are…kind of…you know,” he told her as he swallowed hard.

“Oh, okay.”

“I’m sorry, Izz.”

“No, don’t be,” she smiled as much as she could. “You guys look good together.”

“You’re still my best friend.”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “I’m gonna be late for practice so I should go.”

“Okay. Hey, maybe we can hang out Saturday or something.”

“Sure. Bye.”

As soon as she turned, he felt an ache in his stomach. If he had any idea that she felt the same way, he would’ve spoken up.

“You okay, Rafi?”

“Yeah, fine, Yelina. You ready?”

“Of course,” she said with a big smile as she looped her arm through his and they walked out of the building.

Izzy made it to her car before breaking down in tears. Why hadn’t she told him the truth? She couldn’t be mad that he was dating Yelina now. He had wanted her since he was 12 after all. She was just lucky to have at least been a contender at some point. That was the first time she had ever purposely missed a practice.

****

“Izzy!” Stella called upstairs one evening a couple of weeks before Christmas Break ’92.

“Hang on, Erin,” she said as she covered her phone. “Yeah Ma?!”

“You need to get downstairs…IMMEDIATELY!!!”

“Ugh, my mom is telling me I need to come downstairs. I don’t know what I could’ve done this time. I’ll call you back?”

“Nick’s coming over. I’ll see you tomorrow at school.”

“Got it. Later,” Izzy said before she hang up the see-through phone and headed downstairs.

“Okay, Ma. What is it that’s so…Rafael?”

It had been a while since her best friend had showed up at her house, unannounced. They weren’t as close as they used to be and were never going to be as long as he was with Yelina. His lip was busted and he had a cut above his eye.

“Rafa what happened?” She asked.

“My dad,” he shrugged.

“Izz why don’t you take him to your bathroom and get him cleaned up?”

“Yeah, okay, Ma. Come on, Rafa,” she said as took his hand and led him upstairs.

Anthony grabbed his keys and started for the door.

“Where are you going?” Stella asked her husband.

“Just…out.”

****

“Rafa, what happened?”

“I was trying to shield Mami...oooh,” he winced as Izzy dabbed the cut above his eye with alcohol.

“Sorry,” she half smiled.

“It’s fine, cariño.”

“What set him off this time?”

“He started in on how I think I’m better than him because I’m going to Harvard…”

“You got in?!”

“Yeah. Full scholarship.”

“Rafa, I’m so proud of you.”

“Yeah well. He said that I thought I was better than him. Mami said all I was trying to do was get a good education and a good career. He kept going on and on about how I would never amount to anything. Mami…she just kept trying to explain to him but it wasn’t doing any good. I snapped. I told him that I was trying to be better than the wife-beating, alcoholic, deadbeat that he is,” he told her.

“Rafa…”

“Maybe if I would’ve just kept my mouth my shut…I couldn’t let him touch my mom again,” he said as he broke down in tears and wrapped his arms around Izzy’s waist. All she could do was rub his back and run her hands through his hair. Stella had come up to check on them but saw what was taking place in her daughter’s bathroom and just decided to leave them alone.

****

“Anthony? What are you doing here?” Luis Barba asked as he answered the door to their apartment. Without a single word, Lieutenant Anthony Rossetti slammed a right hook into Rafael’s dad, knocking him on his ass before he grabbed him off the floor.

“I’m going to tell you this one time and one time only: You lay another hand on that boy and I swear to God, I’ll have my whole Fire Battalion with me the next time and your body will never be found. Do you understand me?”

Luis was scared sober at that point and all he could do was nod.

“If you think I’m playing, just fucking try me, Luis,” Anthony seethed before he let him go. Luis walked away only for Lucia to walk up.

“Anthony…”

“Lucia, go pack some of Rafael’s clothes and his books.”

“Anthony.”

“He’s going to stay in Brooklyn until he wants to come home. Is that clear?”

“Sure, Anthony. I’ll be right back.”

He waited for Lucia to come back. She came back with a small suitcase, school uniforms, street clothes, pjs, bath stuff, shaving stuff, toothbrush, the works, plus his backpack.

“He’s not as bad as he seems, Anthony.” “You keep letting him get away with this, you or Rafael are going to end up dead. Neither of you deserve to deal with this shit.”

“Here’s everything Rafael should need for a week or two,” Lucia said, changing the subject.

“Fine. Thank you,” Anthony told her as he grabbed Rafael’s things.

****

As they sat in her bathroom, Rafael went into detail about the abuse from his dad he had endured over the years. He took his shirt off and stood up to show Izzy scars he had kept hidden for years.

She knew things weren’t good but she never knew the extent of the actual abuse he and his mother had suffered at the hands of his father since he was a child. His lightly tan skin and slight chest hair made him look so sexy, even if that wasn’t the intention.

As he explained each scar, from his back to his stomach, Izzy slowly grazed her fingers over them. It got to the point they were just staring into each other’s eyes. Their hearts were beating at a record pace until they heard the front door slam.

“Rafael?!” They heard Anthony call from downstairs, taking them out of their daze. He quickly threw his shirt on and headed downstairs.

“Yes, sir?” He asked Anthony.

“Here’s your school clothes, other clothes, pajamas, and anything else you might need. You can stay here until you want to go home.”

“Anthony I can’t impose.”

“It’s not an imposition if I tell you what you’re doing.”

“I guess not,” Rafael laughed quietly.

“You know where the guestroom is. Put your stuff in there and then meet me in the garage.”

“Yes, sir,” he replied as he went back upstairs.

Rafael met Anthony in the garage to be handed a beer.

“Anthony I’m only 18.”

“So? You think I don’t know that my daughter and son haven’t had a drink on occasion? You’re friends with them so I know you do, too.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Rafael told him as he took the beer from Anthony.

“You know my father…he was a mean son of a bitch.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really,” Anthony responded. “He beat the hell out of my mother if dinner wasn’t to his liking. My brothers and I got it, too. Most of it was because we were trying to protect our mother; much like I’m guessing you were doing.”

“I was. My dad thinks because I’m going to Harvard that I think I’m better than him.”

“And you are. My kids are completely better than me. Izzy has a scholarship to USC, Tony’s going to Brown. Not that I would trade my job for anything but my kids are gonna get a better education than I ever could have and they’ll have careers that I could’ve only dreamed about having. But you know what? I couldn’t be prouder of either of them. They had goals and they’re meeting them.”

“My dad would be happy if I went to work at the garage with him, I think so he could be my boss.”

“Son you need to live your life how you want to live it. I don’t know what your plans are for the future but the fact that you got into Harvard says you’ve got some big ones.”

“I want to be a lawyer, actually.”

“I have faith that you can do it. Why don’t you go upstairs, take a shower, and get in bed? I think staying at your Guidance Counselor’s house might give you an excused absence.”

“Eh, I’ll be alright in the morning,” he shrugged. “Thank you, Anthony.”

“Anytime, son.”

*****

After her shower, Izzy got dressed in her favorite Yankees t-shirt and blue pj bottoms, blew her hair dry, and peaked in on Rafael watching TV in the guestroom.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” he looked over at her with a smile.

“I’m done, if you want to take a shower.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“Do you need anything? I’m gonna go downstairs and get a soda.”

“I’m fine, Izz. I…uh…I could use your company though.”

“Sure.”

She sat on the bed, keeping a distance between them. The silence was awkward at best, other than a repeat of “Cheers” playing in the background.

“Hey, Raf?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why did you come here and not Yelina’s?”

“Because…she would’ve have just said if I had kept my mouth shut, it wouldn’t have happened. I didn’t come here looking for sympathy. I just wanted someone that would listen to me. I knew you were that person. You’ve always just listened to me when I’ve had problems with my dad.”

“If she’s like that, then why are you with her?”

“I’ve liked her since I was 12. I mean, say Robert Downey Jr went to school with us and you liked him that long and he decided to give you a chance, wouldn’t you take it?”

“But you deserve so much better. You don’t need to be with someone that makes you feel like what you have to say…”

“Can we just not talk about it, please? I have a headache and just want to put this day behind me.”

“Yeah,” she answered quietly.

“Thank you for being here for me.”

“Anytime.”

“I think I’m gonna take my shower so I can get ready for bed.”

“Okay.”

He gathered his things and went to the bathroom while Izzy went and got him a glass of water, two Advil, and ice pack sitting them on a nightstand with a note on a piece Lisa Frank stationary telling him to take the medicine, put the ice on his lip, if he needed anything she was next door, and that she hoped he got a good night’s sleep.

He found everything as he began to get in bed. He just smiled as he took the Advil and drank the water before covering himself up and turning off the lamp.

He laid there for what seemed like hours. “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” had came on and off while he laid awake. He thought about what Izzy had said. Maybe she was right. Yelina did criticize him it seemed.

The last time he and his father had an altercation, he went to her place and all she said was, “I don’t know why you think you have to say anything to him. You know how it’s going to end and yet, you still run your mouth.” Didn’t offer to clean him up or anything. As if it was his fault that his dad was abusive.

About halfway through Letterman, Rafael had enough of tossing and turning, got out of the bed and quietly knocked on Izzy’s door. Surprisingly, she was still awake herself. She had actually been on the phone with Erin until Leno was almost over.

She got up and opened her door.

“I can’t sleep,” he shrugged as he ran his hand through his dark brown hair, a usual sign he was apprehensive about something.

She motioned for him to come in and shut the door once he was.

“You hungry?”

“Did you seriously bring the rest of the pizza up here?” He laughed.

“I had to get it before Tony did. Come on, grab a slice.”

He laid on her bed and grabbed a piece out of the box that sat on the ottoman between the bed and TV stand.

“Are you seriously gonna go to college in California?”

“USC is offering me a scholarship. We can’t all get one to Harvard,” she stressed with an affected accent.

“Stop,” he kind of blushed. “I’ve got to get out of New York and away from dad.”

“What did your mom say about it?”

“Mami was happy about it, really. That’s the only thing that worries me about leaving. I’ll be leaving her here to fend for herself against him. Maybe she’ll finally leave him, though.”

“What about your grandparents?”

“You should’ve seen Abuelita,” he laughed. “Clapping and jumping up & down. Abuelito had to tell her to calm down before she got her blood pressure up. Speaking of, they asked about you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Wondered why I haven’t brought you by to eat all the leftovers.”

“You make it sound like I just raid their fridge every time I’ve been over there.”

“Abuelita thinks you’re too skinny and makes you eat, I know. She does the same to me. Maybe we can go over there after school tomorrow?”

“Uh, sure. I have an idea.”

“What’s that?”

“Okay, I would never do something like this in a million years but how about I sneak out to the garage and get a case of beer?”

“Izz your dad would kill us!”

“All we ever do is study. We never let loose. I’ll get a 6 pack instead.”

“Peer pressure is a bitch. Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah but don’t tell Erin or anyone.”

“It’ll be our secret.”

Izzy quietly snuck out to the garage and grabbed a 6 pack of Killian’s Red of the fridge and started to walk back inside.

“Shit, Tony! You scared the hell out of me.”

“What are you doing, sis?”

“Nothing.”

“Stealing Dad’s beer?”

“It’s only 6. Don’t be a snitch.”

“Oh, I won’t be, cause you’re gonna go back in there and grab another 6 pack and I’m coming to your room.”

“Ugh, fine. Take this and I’ll be in there in a few.”

******

The next morning, Stella went to wake the three of them up, only to find them all asleep in Izzy’s room.

Rafael had taken her two bean bag chairs and made a bed while Tony was in a pallet on the floor.

The truth was, they weren’t asleep. 4 beers a piece and they had gotten drunk. Passed out was more the case with them. Stella looked all around the room, finding the one bottle Tony didn’t get rid of.

“OKAY!!! UP!!! ALL THREE OF YOU!!!!” She said as she started flipping the light off and on.

“Ugh, Ma.”

“We have a little party last night, guys?”

“No,” Tony lied.

“Then what’s with the empty beer bottle, Junior.”

“Good job, Tony,” Izzy said as she threw a small square pillow at her brother, missing and hitting Rafael instead.

“Ow!” He moaned.

“Meet me downstairs, kids.”

The three of them moved with the speed of snails as they got up from the places they had slept.

Stella had had enough time to tell Anthony what had transpired in their daughter’s bedroom before the three of them got in the kitchen. The smell of eggs cooking made all three of them sick to their stomachs.

“Have fun?” Anthony laughed.

None of them wanted to even try and answer for fear of vomiting.

Stella and Anthony both just sort of laughed. Their twins were good kids for the most part. Sure, growing up they had caused their share of trouble, been grounded because of their mouths on occasion but they really didn’t party, miss curfew or anything like that.

“Okay, since it’s Friday and Rafael obviously needed to blow off some steam so to speak, the three of you go back upstairs and sleep this off.”

“Seriously, Pop? We’re not grounded?”

“Oh, you’re grounded, Junior, for sure and Rafael as well as long as he’s in our house. You three will be putting up the Christmas decorations this weekend, including the ones on the roof.”

“Can I at least invite Erin over for some extra help?”

“No, ma’am. Just the three of you. You’ll want your rest cause you need to start around 6 in the morning if you have any chance of getting them done by Sunday.”

“Well, can Rafael and I at least go visit his grandparents today?”

“That I will allow,” Anthony said. “He probably needs to go see them, especially after yesterday.”

“Thanks, Anthony. Sorry about…”

“It’s fine. I was young once, too. Oh, and kids, your allowance is paying to replace the beer you drank. How many did you get?”

“12,” Izzy answered her dad.

“And you got that drunk off of 4? Drinking isn’t any of your strong suits, thank god. Now back to bed.”

*****

The three of them marched back upstairs and to their respective rooms. “Izzy I swear you get smaller every time I see you,” Rafael’s grandmother, Catalina laughed as she hugged her.

“I have a mouth and always end up running laps at basketball practice,” she shrugged.

“I read where you scored 15 points in your last game,” his grandfather, Eduardo mentioned as he walked up.

“I was pretty surprised myself,” Rafael teased.

“Dejar a esa chica sola (leave that girl alone),” his grandfather laughed as he playfully smacked him in the back of the head.

“Well, sit down and eat you two. Wait a minute, why aren’t you two in school?” Lina asked.

Rafael told her why they weren’t and she just shook her head.

“No quiero que te hagas el borracho como tu padre (I don't want you becoming a drunk like your father).”

“No voy a la abuelita. Sólo estábamos divirtiéndose un poco (I won’t. We were just having a little fun).”

“Bien. No sé por qué tu madre se queda con ese hombre. Me alegro de que tenga un lugar seguro para aterrizar cuando sea necesario. ¿Por qué no fuiste a casa de tu novia (Okay. I don't know why your mother stays with that man. I'm glad you have a safe place to land when needed. Why didn't you go to your girlfriend's house)?”

“Larga historia, Abuelita (It’s a long story).”

“Sabes, siempre puedes venir aquí si lo necesitas (You know, you can always come here if you need to).”

“Lo sé, abuelito. Gracias pero no me gusta ponerte en el medio más de lo que ya eres (I know, abuelito. Thank you but I don't like putting you in the middle any more than you already are).”

“Estamos siendo groseros. Hablando en español frente a Izzy así (We're being rude. Speaking in Spanish in front of Izzy like this”.

“It’s fine, Lina,” Izzy laughed.

Eduardo and Lina looked at her and both chuckled.

“I’m in my fourth year of Spanish and it is the ‘Honor’ level.”

“Well, excuse us,” Eduardo teased.

“I didn’t understand everything but enough. I asked him the same question.”

“Well, he’s better off staying at your place.”

“My dad grounded him,” Izzy laughed.

“For your little fiesta last night?”

“Exactly, Eduardo.”

“I swear,” he shook his head. “I’m starting to believe you’re a bad influence on my only grandchild.”

“Abuelito,” Rafael groaned.

“She’s knows I’m kidding, nieto.”

The two of them ate way too much before heading back to Brooklyn.

“Why you’re not with her, I will never understand,” Lina whispered as she hugged her grandson.

[brutal-out-here]

Summary of This Year+ A Thank You:

Summary:

This year started off with me obsessing over this band ccalled New Hope Club[check them out if u haven't yet]. Then in early March I started listening to another band called The Vamps[go check them out]. But really most of the first few months it was just boring 7th grade.

Then it was the end of May when I realized that my then crush wasn't worth it. If he didn't seen to even notice me anymore then I should care about him. So I had written a song called Let Things Go and moved on. I was happy!

Then my summer consisted of my being lazy and watching Hannah Montana lol. I was totally find with that.

Then it was the beginning of August when my internet friend, Sara ,made me actually sit down and listen to One Direction lol. I always said I hated them because when they first became popular and everyone loved them and I wanted to be different lol. I was an idiot kid. But u finally gave into actually amiting I liked them. And now I also listen to Harry, Niall, and Louis' solo stuff.

Then I found out I got a chance to take 2 9th grade classes!!

Then in September the same friend got me into Why Don't We[go check them out]! Zach is my favorite, Sara and I share Corbyn lol

Then on September 22nd I had the best day I'd my life. I finally saw Taylor for the FIRST TIME!!!!

And then literally on the 1st of October I realised I liked someone from one of my 9th grade classes. So there's that....

Then in November the same friend made me listen to 5 Seconds Of Summer. I love them so much now! I'm actually listening to them as type this. Michael is my favorite, my friend and I are sharing Ashton, and I somewhat like Luke. Then I feel bad for leaving out Calum oops lol.

And now it leads us to today. The same friend again, ya I owe her a lot, has gotten me to start listening to P!ATD on the 28th and I actually like the first few I've heard so far.

Overall I've realised this entire year has been mainly me finally realizing who I am. I always thought I wasn't the real me because I appeared "shy" in class compared to me being crazy around my friends. But I've realized that's really who I am. And I'm okay with that. Which leads me to say something about a post I made at the end of last year on Swifties amino:

I fulfilled my hopes. If only I could tell myself from last year all I'd realize this year. This year has really been if not one of, the BEST year of my entire life!!

A Thank You:

I've only been on Tumblr for about 9 months, but those have been the best 9 months.

I've had so many laughs and not gonna lie I've cried a few times when someone had tagged me in a post that was a thank you post or something like that.

Ya I've had some rude people come across in these past few months, but there seems to to be way more amazing people I've come across.

I want to thank everyone who came across my blog and liked a post/rebloged a post/comment something on a post[nicely wise lol]/ and/or followed me. You guys have no idea how grateful I am of every single one of you even if you have no idea who I was and just liked something because someone else rebloged something of mine.

@euphoric-swift : You're been one of my best friends if u didn't know that already. You are amazing! You're one of the few people that actually can put up with my random messages about random things lol. And you've been a big part of making this the best year of my life! If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have ever given One Direction/and their solo stuff a chance, I wouldn't have actually listened to Why Don't We, and I would have never listened to 5 Seconds of Summer. So I thank you so so much!! ♥️

@chainroundmyneck13 : we haven't talked much, but you are also one of the very few people that could actually stand me lol. You truly are a great friend! ♥️

@ontheoutsidelooking-swift : we dont talk much, but I always see you on my dash/in my notifications. You're definitely one of my favorite people on here. We really need to talk more! ♥️

@imhereonthekitchenfloor : We've only kinda just ment but I can already tell ur amazing. You being my Secret Santa was one of my favorite things about this month. You were a genius about making every first letter of ur ask spell out ur user name! So thank you ♥️

@taylorswiftdebut : I've only just met you but I can already tell you are so nice. Ur post that u made a Playlist for me was so nice and made me so happy. We need to talk more in the future!♥️

And there's so many more people that I always see on my dash/in my notifications and you all mean a lot to me!

I hope 2019 will be one of the best years of y'alls life! You all deserve it. I love you all♥️ Happy New Year 🎉✨🎇✨🎊

This year really has been the best year of my life! And I hope it continues in 2019.

After this whole amazing year I'm so so happy I can really say:

:) ♥️I'm Doing Better Than I Ever Was♥️ :)

[darisu-chan]

What baffles me about the whole I//H and R//R debacle is the phrase “He/She knew I/chigo/R/ukia first, therefore they deserve to be together!” Like, people, it doesn’t work that way. And before anybody goes blasting into my inbox about this, let me tell you a story.

When I was young, 8 years or so, I met a boy at my class. I started talking to him because of a mutual friend, then I started sitting with him and his other friends during recess. I developed a crush on him that I kept hidden. Flashforward to the next year, we had some sort of fall out and then we didn’t speak until 6th grade. We were in different classes, but we had to be in the same school event so we started speaking again. Let’s go to 7th grade, and we were closer than ever. In 8th grade, we shared all classes and activities and we were best friends. It was when I fell in love with him. Hard. Other girls were after him, but I knew we had history together. All those years of friendship had to count, right? It shouldn’t have mattered if he liked other girls, because he knew more. Because we played together as children. 

Then, he moved and we were separated. He still lives in another country. Years passed and eventually he got a girlfriend. And he’s the sweetest thing with her! He produly says she’s his girlfriend, they go everywhere together, he shares his deepest secrets with her, and they’re planning to get married one day (no, seriously, they even have the date and everything). Meanwhile, I’m single af and no one seems to compare to him. All my relationships have failed and I can’t seem to fall in love anymore. Add that to the fact I’ve loved him for a decade now.

So, if this were a manga, and you were shown this past history of him, who would you think deserves him more, me or his current girlfriend?

To give you more background, when I was a teen I was super shy and sweet and a total clutz. Ask any of my friends from back then. I was bubbly too and weird. Above all, I would’ve sacrificed anything for him.

He met this girl until his twenties. She’s a cheerleader and popular, as opposed to me. I don’t know her, but I’m the one with the tragic backstory™ and whatnot.   

If you ship the pairings mentioned above or you’re a sucker for friends to lovers, you would probably say I deserve to be with him. I’ve known him for the past 15 years. At one point, I knew him better than anyone else. We had a very strong bond. I studied the same thing his mother did. He studied the same thing my father did. He gets along with my family. He should be with the one who’s been waiting for so long for him, right?

WRONG

Quantity doesn’t mean quality.

Sure, we’ve known each other for so long, but we don’t talk that much anymore. If I were to go to him and demand him to come back home, and be jealous because he changed me for someone he arguably has just met, like a certain red-head did, I’d sound crazy. I’d be crazy to think he owes me shit. Even if he just met her, who knows, maybe his girlfriend knows him better than I ever had, perhaps they share the same goals and dreams and their persomalities compliment each other. If anything, I’m thankful to her, I’m sure that, because of her influence, he has become the man I always knew he’d be.

And yeah, it’s sad that I don’t have that love story, everyone’s favorite trope, but I’m okay with it. Because to be together, one of us would have to sacrifice their own dreams. I won’t ask him to come back to the little town he escaped from to have an average job and an average life when he can be where he currently is, living his best life. I don’t want to live where he lives, I don’t like that place, if I ever moved, it’d be somewhere else. But, going there wouldn’t help me achieve my dreams. 

This is a real life situation. This is how it played out.

Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean they have to love you back. Just because you wait for them, doesn’t mean they will wait for you. It has to be mutual. It has a lot to do with the type of life you want to live.

Why would R/ukia leave R/enji for the man she met a few times to the man she’s known for hundreds of years?

My question is: “did they communicate for 40 years?”

The answer is no.

“Did they have quality time in that time?” Again, no.

“Did they understand each other when they were apart?” Evidence suggests that’s a no.

“Why would I/chigo prefer a girl from another world to the one he’s known for years?” Evidence suggests they didn’t really talk until later on when Bleach started.

“Did they spend quality time together?” Evidence again dictates that not really.

“Did they understand each other?” No. They didn’t. Show me a panel where they truly understood each other.

They didn’t.

That’s why I’m not sold over these couples. The “he/she deserves it!” doesn’t work either. That’s not what love and relationships are about. You could be with someone for many years, and feel more for a person you just met because life’s funny that way.

So don’t come and tell me I don’t understand R/enji and O/ri. I understand them more than you cause I’ve actually lived through a similar situation, and that ending wasn’t great when it comes to couples. 

I’d rather die single with no kids than force the man I love to forget his dreams and come live here, with an average life, and be my husband. If he found the person who understands him more than anyone, who loves him just as much as he loves her, then he found what everyone strives to have and I’m happy he did. He’s the best version of himself now.

And nobody come say he’d be happier with me, cause I knew he wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t be happy either.

That’s exactly the type of life these characters would lead where they real.

Let’s be thankful they’re not.

[big-tony]

1-100 hoe

I hate you so much.

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

Spotify for sure

3. what color are your eyes?

Ugly ass brown

6. describe your personality in 3 words or less

Really obnoxious

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?

I have a black 2013 Nissan Altima 

9. where do you shop?

As much as I hate them, I do most of my shopping on Amazon. I’ve started using Thrift Books when I buy books, but I also want to start going to local bookstores since some have opened up nearby.

10. how would you describe your style?

The stereotypical person who listens exclusively to music on Bandcamp but doesn’t want to commit to buying clothes at Goodwill

11. favorite social media account

Tumblr but I’m kind of warming up to Twitter

13. any siblings?

Yeah I have an older sister

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

I would say at this stage in my life I would like to live in Spain or Argentina. I’d really like to just be somewhere out of North America where I can speak Spanish all the time. I feel like it would be a nice change of pace

15. favorite snapchat filter? 

I deleted snap like four months ago but I really liked the one that just hid all of your blemishes lmao

17. how many times a week do you shower?

Like 10-12 on average

18. favorite tv show?

Either Eric Andre or the Twilight Zone

19. shoe size?

16 which makes shopping for shoes impossible

20. how tall are you?

6′5″

21. sandals or sneakers? 

Sneakers. I only wear sandals if I’m running somewhere for less than 30 minutes

22. do you go to the gym? 

I kind of neglected that this semester but before that I was going about 5 days a week

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

$5 lmao

25. what color socks are you wearing? 

White

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?

Just two I don’t like having too many

27. do you have a job? what do you do? 

Not rn I just finished up working as a research assistant and I’ll be applying for that position again this summer

28. how many friends do you have? 

idk if I had to guess somewhere around 30 but I see about 10 of them weekly the rest kind of rotate in and out

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done? 

This girl was going to sit down when I was in high school and I thought it would be funny to pull the chair out from under her. It was not particularly funny and it still haunts me because it was so unnecessarily mean

30. whats your favorite candle scent? 

Fuck I don’t know what it’s called but when I’m home for the holidays my parents always burn this one candle that just reminds me of Christmas. Very cinnamon-y but also smells like pine needles

31. 3 favorite boy names

James, Antonio, David

32. 3 favorite girl names

Autumn, McKenzie, Maria

33. favorite actor? 

I don’t think I watch enough movies to have a strong opinion on this one

34. favorite actress? 

Same

35. who is your celebrity crush?

Shakira for sure

36. favorite movie? 

I watch so few movies that my favorite movie is basically the last good movie I watched so I’d say Madeinusa. If we’re going for movies that are so bad that they’re awesome I’d say Bloodsport

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? 

Yeah I love reading! I’d say it’s tied between The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway and 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

38. money or brains? 

Brains for sure

39. do you have a nickname? what is it? 

People used to call me Chief Keef all the time but I don’t have one anymore

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?

I think like when I was born was the only time lol

41. top 10 favorite songs

In no particular order:

Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

Sun Kil Moon - Pancho Villa

Algernon Cadwallader - Fun

American Football - Stay Home

Shakira - Se Quiere, Se Mata

Sun Kil Moon - Micheline

Sufjan Stevens - Impossible Soul

The Microphones - The Glow, Pt. 2

Frank Dominguez & Elena Burke - Imágenes

Sufjan Stevens - Romulus

42. do you take any medications daily? 

Nah

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

I’d say pretty oily I have to shower the moment I wake up because my hair looks like a mess from the oil

44. what is your biggest fear? 

Heights

45. how many kids do you want? 

If I decide I want kids, probably just one

46. whats your go to hair style?

I like to keep it pretty short and put some gel in it it’s pretty basic

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) 

I live in an apartment right now but my parents’ house is kind of small compared to all my friends’ growing up.

48. who is your role model? 

I try not to have a role model per se because every time I learn about famous people they disappoint me in one way or another. I had a lot of respect for Anthony Bourdain though

49. what was the last compliment you received?

My friend told me yesterday that I’ve made a lot of positive changes in my life this past month, which meant a lot to me

50. what was the last text you sent?

“Dead af” which is pretty par for the course

51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

I think I was 9 when I decided he didn’t exist. No one really confirmed or denied it until I was like 12

52. what is your dream car? 

I used to say corvette but I can’t fit in one lol

53. opinion on smoking?

I can’t really get on a high horse about it because I smoke when I’m very drunk but I don’t enjoy the really strong smell of a smoker’s house

54. do you go to college? 

Yeah! I’m studying history and Spanish and I should be graduating spring 2020

55. what is your dream job? 

I want to be a professor and hopefully teach Latin American history

56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? 

Since my indie folk days are behind me, suburbs for sure

57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? 

No my hair seems to hate those so I have to bring my own shampoo when I go places

58. do you have freckles? 

nah

59. do you smile for pictures?

Yeah I like my smile a lot so

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone? 

1629 according to my camera roll

61. have you ever peed in the woods? 

Oh yeah absolutely

62. do you still watch cartoons? 

I keep up with Steven Universe by force of habit but otherwise no

63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

McDonald’s. Wendy’s chicken nuggets are whack

64. Favorite dipping sauce? 

Chick-Fil-A sauce

65. what do you wear to bed? 

Basketball shorts

66. have you ever won a spelling bee?

I won this in-class one and they asked me to go to the school-wide one but I didn’t go

67. what are your hobbies?

Reading, writing, and learning languages mostly. I’d like to get more social hobbies at some point like get into playing pool but I haven’t gotten around to it

68. can you draw? 

Oh hell no. I tried super hard up until like 7th grade and then I accepted fate

69. do you play an instrument?

I am trying to learn the banjo but I need to get more consistent

70. what was the last concert you saw? 

I saw Fleet Foxes in March, which was an amazing show. I missed American Football in August which I’m still really upset about

71. tea or coffee?

Coffee, though I’d like to learn more about tea

72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

Dunkin Donuts just because it’s cheaper

73. do you want to get married?

Yeah I have a crippling fear of ending up alone lmao

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?

I don’t really have a crush but the girl I’m seeing’s initials are BS which is interesting to say the least

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married? 

No but I probably should because my last name is bland af

76. what color looks best on you? 

I think I look good in a deep purple

77. do you miss anyone right now? 

Unfortunately yes but I’m getting over it slowly

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?

Closed. I have this irrational fear that I will wake up and someone is watching me, but in all reality an unlocked door won’t stop them if that’s what it is going to come to

79. do you believe in ghosts?

Nah

80. what is your biggest pet peeve? 

People who read, watch, or hear something slightly out of the ordinary and go “WOW I WONDER HOW MANY DRUGS THEY MUST HAVE BEEN ON TO COME UP WITH THAT”

81. last person you called`

My parents like two hours ago

82. favorite ice cream flavor? 

Cookies and cream

83. regular oreos or golden oreos? 

Regular, I didn’t know people liked the golden ones

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? 

Rainbow

85. what shirt are you wearing? 

A UCF football shirt! Go Knights

86. what is your phone background?

Salamovka at Night (Judy’s Window Lit) by Lois Dodd

87. are you outgoing or shy?

Very outgoing lol

88. do you like it when people play with your hair?

Ugh I love it so much

89. do you like your neighbors? 

Never talked to em but they’re quiet so I can’t complain

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

Yeah before bed and after my shower

91. have you ever been high? 

Many times

92. have you ever been drunk? 

Many times

93. last thing you ate? 

I got a chicken tender sub at Publix!

94. favorite lyrics right now

Don’t leave home, again

If empathy takes energy

‘Cause everyone feels just like you

But that’s life, it’s so social

95. summer or winter? 

Winter because I like when it’s a bit chillier, even though Florida does not get very cold. It’s been in the 40s and 50s this week which has been incredible and I wish we had more days like that.

96. day or night? 

I like the night during summer and the day during winter. 

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate? 

Milk chocolate

98. favorite month? 

October

99. what is your zodiac sign

Libra

100. who was the last person you cried in front of? 

My ex-girlfriend about three years ago.

I still hate you for this.

[survivedposts]

I am quite shy, Non talkative person, introvert. I prefer to be alone. Most of the time i have a thought, is it all I was born with. Thinking about it I tried my best to recall all memories of childhood. But as usual no one can remember every thing from past. I was having very little memory of my childhood. Then I started gathering my memories from my relative and my parents. Of course secretly, they were not knowing the intention I was asking this details. Now its being almost 1 year analysing myself, I came to conclusion who I am. The personality i am now in and that to my childhood was totally different. Some relatives told me that I was naughty, smart most talkative and many more.... I was actually thinking to belive them or not. Because it was a totally opposite version of mine to that of now. But then i related their comments with whatever memory I was having of my past. And finally the result of this self study was that I was not born with the personality currently I am in.So there was series of incident in my life which made me like that.

I am quite introvert and can't express my feelings to anyone. Rather I fear to tell anyone what happened in my life as they can laugh at me. So I decided to write all my story step by step to express myself atleast on phone. And will continue to write this till I become the next Albert Einstein.

Till 2nd class. My life was quite ordinary like others during this phase of my life. I used to play, enjoy school and all the other stuff too. In this age, i saw my sister beaten by my mom and dad several time as she was very arrogant and stubborn.so i was quite afraid that if I do something wrong I will punished like that. The first fear of my life. But it was ok. I was able to handle it.

Then I shifted when I was in 2nd class. I had a proper school life. I was having Friends in society and school.

I was somewhat physically weak from my childhood so I was the weakest among all my friends. So I was not able to cope with there ability of playing or adventuring(climbing wall and other stuff) . But still I tried my level best. And even my voice is softer. Now all my friend use to tease me that I am like a girl. My voice is like a girl. You don't have strength. They use to call me (un-man). Initially I took it as a joke and let it go. Eventually teasing me got quite increased. I was growing along with that the teasing also increased and now it started commenting on my genitals. During that time my motivation to play with them started reducing. So I started drawing and started developing some other habits.

Some months were quite ok. But one day my Mom said " why are you sitting at home like a girl, go out and play"... That day I was in deeeeeeeep thinking, do I really behave like a girl that everyone is calling me a girl. I mostly noticed that my voice and my body language was not like a boy. Thats why it was quite noticeable by others. As my mom said I should play outside I started playing with them. But they don't stopped teasing me. I was in 5th or in 6th that time. Now at this age they found a new way of teasing me. They were forcefully showing me some nudity images and checking if there any Erection in my penis or not. And actually i was not attracted to such nudity at that age atleast so it was never happening . So now they found another way to tease me. And this was the time when I loose confidence in myself. I never discussed this problem with anyone. I was having fear talking to anyone. I was having fear that anyone will again call me girl after hearing my voice. So this was the 4-5 years journey of my becoming introvert. This is not the end of my story.

After I completed my 6th class we, whole family went shifted again as my DAD was pursuing PHD for 4 years . Actually I was relieved that I will not be tortured by my friends anymore. But the my confidence was as usual very low. The fear that someone will call me girl again was always a load on my heart. With that load I went to Nagpur. I was actually happy. Life was going ok. New school, new friend, New society. Now I was avoiding the people who can tease me. And I was trying to be like a boy which society wants. I never understood if I was weak is it my mistake. If i have soft voice is it my mistake. If I have different hobbies then where am I wrong... It was quite exhausting mentally as well as physical. Before uttering a single word i used to think atleast 100 times. Thinking about, will this word suit to be like a boy or i will be again called girl by my friends.. Some how I was building friends in school as well as in our society. And my 7th class passed OK. But what i noticed that the school I was in was the topp school in which most the students are scoring about 99% and i was an average student around 70-80%(this marks was that to because of science and maths).. Even at home parents use to compare my marks with others marks. Now the load that I have to pretend like a boy was added by another load that I also have to pretend that I am intelligent. Or i would be isolated by all my friends. And this is what happened eventually, i was isolated by other friends. So i was sitting in one corner of my class. But I was Ok with that, they were atleast not teasing me or insulting me.

Now even in our society I made some friends. I played a lot with this friends. Played throw ball, badminton etc. First year was ok. Then even this friend was calling me that you behave like a girl and all that stuff. At this stage I was totally collaped. And even sometimes some relative called me you behave like a girl. (they were telling it casually). But it reduced my morale. I was collaped mentally. I was thinking that I cannot meet anyone further.

In school along with me a pretty girl named aditi also joined the school at same day I joined. In school students actually make pair like girlfriend boyfriend on their own. And there was quite similarities in us, like skin complexion of both were quite matching. We both were fair. Even she was having mole on his face almost exactly at the same place. So all student use to tease us as a life partner. But as i was so demotivated in my life and having tremendous social anxiety that I was avoiding talking to her. Thinking even she will feel that I am Unmam.

The height happened when our class teacher ones punished our entire class to sit in a pair of girl and boy on one bench. As the student will speak less when they will sit like that. And then teacher started calling rollno of one girl and one boy randomly. And guess who was pair of mine......... My pair the the new admission girl Aditi. Now the whole class actually got the reason to tease us. I was actually not having any problem as she was sweet girl. But for the whole 2 years I was not able to gather any guts to talk to any one not even Aditi.

My routine was like going to school and sitting silently. I was not even sharing lunch. All other were eating luch together I used to sit alone. And after reaching home i used to close the door and even windows and sit alone taking book in my hand just pretending i was studying. I was actually in the phase of depression. And the main problem was no one noticed that I am in depression and even I haven't expressed it to anyone. This 2 years was without any motivation. I left all my hobbies like painting, singing, playing and the Hobbie I never known till that time was 'to find the scientific reason behind everything'. Sometime i was so feared that i was having illusion that ceiling will fall on me. I used to stare at the ceiling for whole night due to fear. My heart pumped like nothing. I was almost dead in my imagination. And I passed 10th.

Somehow I survived this depression stage. Now it was the time to go back to my place as my Dad completed his Phd. It was my 11th. I got admission in one of the college near my house. I never tried to talk to any of my friend here i was not having guts to even look at them remembering all the past. Now when I joined college even I was in depression during college. Now what I noticed that I was mentally 2-3 years smaller than everyone in college. As i was in depression for last 2 years I have not watched a single movie or match or anything normal person would do. Now I was again isolated. As I haven't talked to anyone majorly for last 2 years my communications skills was fucked up. And there was some students who were speaking in very good English. And my mind was not able to react to such high grade english.. I was always poor in English. And not communicating for 2 years made me worse.

Now i was seriously getting depressed a lot. I was literally possessed by my thoughts most of the time. The sucied thought started popping up in my mind frequently. I actually started finding ways to sucied. I actually tried some of them. But never gathered guts to complete them. And I am thankful to God that I was not having any easy way like taking poison. Or I won't be alive today to write this.

And one of my classmates named anuj who was a best friend of mine actually Helped me. Even he has gone through the depression phase. I was so relieved to find someone who can atleast understand my situation. Thanks again he was not introvert like me. Or he would never recovered from his depression. And his quality of being extrovert helped me a lot to slowly improve in my condition.

My past is only known to this friend no one else know about it.

He suggested me to write my feeling to feel better. I was writing some stuff on a paper and then tear those so no one can read it. Now after 2 years i thought of writing it again in detail in digital format, so I can refer my past. And also to remind myself nothing bad can happen than this and will help me to motivate myself.

I passed 12th with ok marks. And it was a time to decide the future. I decided to do engineering. In the beginning of 1st year of my engineering I was still analyzing myself. That friend helped to gain positivity in me. Now what I have noticed is because of my height now people don't consider me as unman. But now they call me unmatured. Because I was not good at communicating with people.

There is a very strong reason behind that. I haven't improved any of my skill in the most critical age of my life.

But i was trying to get out of my social anxiety. So I started reading about the anxiety and how to get rid of it. I found so many things about it but was not getting a proper direction to work on. I started doing meditation every morning. After doing meditation the problems of illusion was recovering. But still I was having fear of the world on one side and on other side I feel that no one in the world should be hurt from me... This feeling of no one should hurt from me make me feel guilty every single time. And even I don't have guts to say sorry or apologize for it. So this feelings actually get trapped inside me. Similarly all other emotion get trapped inside me. This emotions escapes from me only when I cry a lot... So i don't know how countless nights i have been crying. If it wasn't enough i would cry during bath. I lost contact with the 11th standard friend as we were not having phone at that time. Now I have no friends.

I actually want to discuss my feelings with someone but can't. To whom I should discuss. I really don't have a good friend to whom I can trust. I am really in a search of friend who can understand me..

I have to express myself. But i have understood that i can only express myself if i am well prepared for taking with people. If i am not prepared and if i fumble then it will again increase my anxiety.

Now I have decided to prepare myself. Thinking on what aspects I have to work. I have found the most important is the social awareness. As i rarely interacted with the society, friends there is huge gap created between them and me. I have no topic to discuss when any discussion is going on. So generally what i found out in friends the general discussion are about movies, matches, games or something like it.... So if I have to communicate efficiently with them I will have to be touch with all movies and entertainment stuff... The second problem I am facing is English. I am generally not able to express my feeling and if I have no words to express it then it becomes worst. I literally become so nervous when someone speaks in English to me. I cant even stand there. My hands and foot become cold. I shiver. All negative thoughts flashes in my mind. So if I have to overcome from this I have to work on my English without fail.

One of my friend Ankeeta reads lots of books. Just while general discussion with her I found that her English was mind-boggling. I gathered all my guts to talk to her about how she was good at english. She said she read lots of book. And one more point I found out from it was we get good knowledge and topics to talk when we read book. So I started reading a book she suggested. The English level of that book was for advanced people. I actually used dictionary after every 5 to 10 words. My interest of reading book was reducing. I was not able to complete even a single chapter. I started searching how to improve English skills. Some of the ideas i liked and was simple to implement. They suggested to start thinking in English. I tried it but it was not that easy to leave mother tongue and think in English. So I decided to summarize my entire day and planning about next day in English. I practiced it for atleast 1 month. I found that, now i was not translating from marathi to English but directly thinking in English. My motivation was building up and also my attitude was becoming positive.

Due to this positive attitude now I was able to find what potential I was having. I am having so many abilities but never looked at it. The most important ability of mine was able to analyse things. Specially related to science field. I found my hobby which was in me from childhood but never noticed it. I was always observing all machines and was imagining how it might be working. I still remember when I was in 3rd or 4th class I was trying to figure out how water cooler machine works. According to that age i imagined it. And now when I am doing my engineering in which I am studying in detail about it. I was shocked i imagined it almost correctly. If I could imaging the stuff which is taught in engineering in 4th class then I am definitely having a good ability to do something good. This thought increased my motivation to 200%.

Even I am working to improve my condition and my motivation has increased. But still in my inner mind there is some sort of fear. Because of this fear, in every situation my brain think of am i behaving like girl,will someone call me girlish again. Even While choosing cloths, same thought don't allow me to select it properly. Really this is super exhausting. I have realised that mind can really make me tired.

Giving opinion about me is different and making fun of it beyond limit actually kill us from inside this is what i have experienced from my experience. I hope this never happens to any one in the world.