#help i dont know what i'm doing anymore | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

swordsonnet · 1 year

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sorry but saying that the accessibility needs of mentally disabled people are just preferences or about "comfort" is blatantly incorrect. if i can't enter a building because the bright lights and loud noises would send me into a meltdown, then i can't enter the building, and that's not less important than me not being able to enter a building because it's not wheelchair accessible. if you genuinely think that mentally disabled people aren't really struggling, and that it's okay to mock their very real concerns, then that just shows that you've been refusing to listen to their experiences. do better or shut the fuck up.

#yeah yeah i know i said i wouldn't post about this stupid fucking 'discourse' anymore #but i keep seeing takes that make my blood boil #physical and mental disabilities are two sides of the same coin! yes there are differences but also a lot of commonalities #but nooooo expecting people to have even an ounce of fucking compassion for those who dont share their exact lived experience #is too much to ask for i guess #i've said this many times before but gatekeeping and infighting will get us nowhere #throwing your fellow disabled people under the bus won't help you #i get people's anger - i have a lot of anger too as someone who is housebound with a physical disability #but other disabled people arent your enemy #and taking your anger out on them is just a dick move #especially if you do so using the same ableist 'its all in your head' rhetoric #that mentally disabled people have had to put up with since forever #disclaimer: obviously not all physically disabled people act like that. from what i can tell its just a small (but very vocal) minority #but it's pervasive enough to make me wary of online spaces for physical disabilities #which is kinda sad seeing as i have a physical disability myself and would love to connect with others #but i'm not super keen on being told that my autism (which has significantly impacted me my whole life) doesn't matter

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grlmsgrotto · 4 months

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D0N0 post for helping my dog pass peacefully.

Cw pet death, sickness and passing

Donation link HERE

Bean is on his lasts..it's really really bad. i'm devastated and i can barely put myself together i put it better in this tweet to put it shortly, i have till tuesday to gather the total of the euthanasia and incinerating. adding the fees, it rounds up to 300 euros to have him pass as soon as possible and cut his suffering as soon as possible, too.

#grim.txt #pet death #pet loss #pet sickness #pet passing #crowdfunding #donation post #donations needed #help needed #signal boost #im genuinely desperate i dont know what to do anymore #i'm a disabled artist with no income all i can give is mediocre art in hopes of giving him respite as soon as possible

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lengthy-artery · 1 month

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#waiting to start not one but TWO immunosupressants and knowing exactly what date it's going to happen is so weird #because there's a deadline on your immune system now #and i spend most of the time not really thinking about it and then out of nowhere I'll be like #oh yeah #in just under two weeks I won't have my good immune system anymore #i wont be able to rely on it as i always have because it won't be there #and i know Exactly when it's going to happen #it's. in all honestly it feels bizarrely like being at the vets when sobi was put to sleep #it was the right thing to do it was the right time to so it and i knew it was coming #we need to do this so my immune system doesn't keep eating my intestines in its fervour #it's the right thing to do it's the right time to do it it's needed and necessary but I'm grieving all the same #yes okay maybe it's stupid to equate starting immunosuppressants with my pet dying #maybe im being overdramatic about all this #ive had people tell me it probably wont be that bad it'll probably just give me a normal system j shoudl stop stressing about all this #i should stop feeling so sad about all this #and that doesn't help one fucking bit #i do feel sad about this. i feel very sad about this. i am experiencing grief about this #dont tell me to make my emotions smaller #the nurse said i would could as high risk. that i will need to avoid people who even just have colds #this is not a small change. this is me losing something i have relied on for my entire life #something i have taken a stupid pride in for my entire life #and it feels just like being at the vets. gently stroking sobi's head as he died #putting him to sleep. putting my immune system to sleep. telling it did well #it'll come back one day i know (i hope) but for now it has a deadline

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talkorsomething · 3 months

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I have Got to get more transgender

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #transmasc #trans ftm #transgender #i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever #so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL #it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks #such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also #or like. exist in general maybe #reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically #idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again #i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this #i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian #like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty #miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes #partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it #as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once #didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.

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an-assortment-of-forks · 8 months

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there are doctors there are hospitals there are specialists there is medicine there are systems in place so people do not have to suffer and be tortured under their own chronic pain daily and yet. they're all fucking inaccessible to the people who need it most!!! to what I would argue is most disabled people!! I'm so fucking done with the medical system.

#today is an absolutely wretched pain day that makes me want to not be here anymore but guess what!#wasted a whole year trying to convince my doctors I was in significant and disableing pain daily and the best they could do #is tell me to go to PT and to wait 6 months and tell them if it gets better #to prescribe some shit like gabapentin or otc pain meds and write me off #tell me they'll get new X-rays to see if it got worse by the summer #disability exists!! specialists exist! good doctors fucking exist!! somewhere!!! I'm sure!!#but here I sit. in excruciating amounts of pain unable to convince any fucking doctors of anything #and that year I spent pushing myself to the limit is wasted bc at the very end of it all only one guy listened to me #and he said no one in their giant ass facility could diagnose me #so I'm back to square one bc I got a new job which means new insurance and new doctors to try and convince again #I just want to be on disability so i can want to be alive again #I'm so frustrated and in pain constantly #what are people like me who have to work 40hrs to afford to live but don't have any family to rely on supposed to do??#just die? am i supposed to continue to work until im too disabled to move and be profitable unless i get lucky?#bc some fucking doctor finally decides to actually listen???#ive tried ALL THE DAMN TRICKS TOO. telling them a friend has it and thats how i found out. that my previous doctor was looking into it #etc etc #I'm SO done living like this i am exhausted.#and to know that i COULD BE HELPED. RIGHT NOW. is the worst fucking part #these systems are in place so people like me dont have to fucking suffer.#but i cant even do anything about it bc i have a cat.

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kyriathanatos · 1 year

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2 in one week, huh.

#i'm in a really bad place #wahoo #i dont know how to even do cries for help on social media anymore #it just hurts #and im tired and im sad #and i dont know what to do

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eyluvu · 7 months

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AT MY LIMIT‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

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clfixationstation · 7 months

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great, just found out my constant efforts to combat my ADHD are not working and I'm still accidentally hurting the people I care about. I hate it here. I just don't want to hurt people why is that so hard...

I thought I was doing such a good job, I'm constantly trying to make sure I'm responding to people adequately because I've been yelled at so much over it and I really want to make people feel valued and make sure they know I'm giving them my attention. I work so hard to not interrupt others during conversation, I try so hard to maintain attention to conversations, I try so hard to pay attention to my surroundings so that I don't ignore friends, I try so hard to push past rejection sensitivity so that I can help people - but apparently it's all useless

I guess I'd rather know. I'll still keep trying. It just really hurts

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yesplsnothankyou · 28 days

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I only come on tumblr when I'm at the very end of my rope and barely hanging on by a quickly disintegrating thread and I don't know what that tells you about me

#boygenius #lah posting #I took the drugs again #I'm worse but better #I will not stagnate #i have therapy tomorrow #it's gonna be another one of those times when I spend the whole time crying #I don't have anyone anymore that i can rely on to hold space for me when I cry #i can hold space for my own emotions now thank you very much #i'm extremely proud of that fact because six months ago that hill felt absolutely insurmountable #but it really helps when there's occasionally someone else to help with that #sorrow shared is half the sorrow and joy shared is double joy #and all that #but i'm really scared for how this is going to end #i'm in really fucking deep at this point #and it's only getting deeper #i don't want to lose my person or the farm or our plans for the future #but it can't go on like this #no matter what i do #and i can't make him realise and i can't do it for him #but i'm afraid that instead of facing the music and turning shit around he's going to choose a much worse way of dealing with things #If this ends i don't think i could ever date again #i know that's dramatic but i'm being very serious about this #i keep thinking i'm dating someone completely different each time but then every time without fail after a year or two #they get into a deep funk and can't seem to do anything but stew and complain and be mean and ruin any chance of being in a good mood #every single time to the point where i wonder if that's just what happens to people who date me #and i can't stand it because while i'm far from toxic positivity i take pride in choosing to not behave like that when things dont go my wa #but i can't risk letting this keep happening again. I genuinely think i can now be happier loving myself than i'd ever be trusting romance.#I've come so far in my healing and I can't keep letting people derail me who have no idea how to self-regulate or have self-compassion #I'm getting sick again. I can feel it happening in my body

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mariemariemaria · 2 months

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i feel kinda crazy bc whenever i was a teenager i created this sorta imaginary older big sister who had moved out of the house so in my head i could live w her whenever i wanted bc she had survived it all and was independent and she would also just comfort me in a big sisterly way whenever something bad or upsetting happened and recently ive been going back to that at my big age 😭 and its kinda sad and also just wish fulfillment and also kinda scary bc i really used to think that by my age i'd have everything sorted but i really don't and i know that's normal and nobodies twenties are perfect but some people also have good relationships w their fathers which is crazy just to think about sooo

#is this readable? i hope not ❤️#i typed up some of my feelings about this in a word doc and just realised like damn i basically have an imaginary friend as an adult #i really am crazy lol #i just feel lonely within my family atm. bc my brother is younger than me so he could never really do anything to help #and i feel like i cant really trust my mam the same anymore..even tho i still love her a lot #and i'm trying to improve my relationship w my dad bc im realising what a hard life he had and that he's not like an irredeemable Bad Perso #and sometimes he'll look at me a certain way or apologise for something small that he would never have apologised for a couple of years ago #and i feel like im going crazy like is he becoming a better person or..? and i feel bad bc im not really doing the same #or maybe i am. sometimes i think im unfair to him considering how he is now but i also cant really reconcile what he is now w/ how he #was then. and then he'll suddenly say something to me in a certain tone of voice or with a certain sharpness and i'll go back to how a felt #as a teenager :/ i rlly dont know what to do about it but i think its because i dont really have anyone to talk to about it #i mean i sort of do. but i also dont actually know how much of it actually happened and how much of it i just made up #but having worked w teenagers yeah they can be little shits but i also cant imagine treating any of them the way my dad treated me #just bc theyre annoying or have an attitude or are a little mean or whatever #like theres actually a lot of ppl i could talk to but also how do you even bring something like this up #how do i say 'oh and i invented an older sister as a coping mechanism and sometimes i still talk to her in my head' without sounding crazy #its 2am here i need to go to bed i have work in the morning 😭 day and night and next day ruined bc my dad spoke to me slightly funny

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buppypuppy · 10 months

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#vent post essay ahead lol #having complexes about talking about your emotions is literally the fucking devil . its miserable. it sucks so bad.#the aamount of damage that is caused to someone by like #i mean im talking abou t me here obviously.#being the person whose like. overall ultimately tends not to feel horrible as often is like.#it's nice not feeling bad emotionally all the time but also it's like. i develop this complex about being like able to help.#i don't feel bad anywhere near as often as my friends so i can help them out and listen to them vent i can have the mental room to #like listen to them talk about their problems. yeah. but it makes me feel like. well this is my job now so i shouldn't fucking talk about m #i shouldnt vent when i feel bad because that's not what i'm known for. plus my friends already all feel worse than me more often than me. s #i don't want to dump any more on their plate than they have to deal with. i don't want to burden them anymore than i have to. and like it's #it's hard. i hate fucking talking about it and it's made so much worse when its like people i love . always been a fucking problem becaus #i just feel fucking horrible admitting that i feel bad i hate that so much. i don't want to like turn away people who care about me but li #i feel like if i tell them what's wrong with me i'll like do it anyways. i feel like i come off as super normal and happy go lucky and like #ostensibly fine. so when i admit this shit its like. oops the facade is cracking!!!!!! uh oh uh oh you can't help people so you feel bad!!!#because your fucking npd has made you feel self centered in a way that means you want to help people or some shit i dont fucking know #and so when i feel bad or get mad over something unreasonable it's like. well i hope i fucking keel over and die or something i dont like .#i don't want people seeing me like this or whatever. and my stupid fucking personality disorder just ruins every god damn thing its so bad.#my past experiences giving me complexes that lead to me feeling fucking left out over like small stupid stuff but god the worst part is lik #my brain categorizing something as being ''My Thing'' so somebody else talks about liking my thing AFTER my brain has designated it mine #makes alarm bells go off and feel like theyre fucking. i don't know encroaaching on my turf or what the fuck ever? it SUCKS ASS #it makes me feel HORRIBLE . and it's like i'm not gonna fucking bring it up because i don't wnt to be like a dick but also it's like well.#i feel fucking miserable about this but it's just like mean and unnecessary and cruel to like stifle people's fucking fun because of my dum #fuckin complexes. it's fucking constant. like oh look at you girl you feel fucking left out because you never get characters who really gri #you mentally and so now you have one but oops! someone else talked about them and now you're seeing red! you like this person though #so you're gonna feel fucking MISERABLE about this . you're gonna feel HORRIBLE because of this. and there's nothing you can fucking do #and it controls my goddamn life and i HATE IT i fucking HATE IT i wish i knew how to fix it. ghghrgurghrughruhg i want to fucking explode #and then you feel bad about feeling bad because you are fucking sisyphus. you're sisyphus. and your own anger is your boulder. you ingrate.#i hate this. i just wanted to have a good day.#jane mary cry one tear

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xxlelaxx · 2 months

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I don't think my husband understands that there is a big difference between the kind of sleep I've been getting and the kind of sleep he's been getting. It's starting to make me very angry

#ignore me #i only sleep for max 4 hours and then have too wale up to feed tje baby #and after that she doesn't sleep for another 4 only for max 2 #which means i barely get any of the deep sleep #and he sometimes gets like 8+ hours #and then he has tje audacity to bitch at me that he deserves to sleep in too #like boyo you slept 10 hours this week #my max was 8 including the feeding breaks which means definitely not 8???#In 8+ months i had the pleasure of sleeping without feeding duty twice #like does he even understand the level of exhaustion I have by now???#i think i wouldn't care if he didn't have the audacity to pretend that he never gets enough sleep anymore which is factually not true #he sleeps more than he did before the baby which is okay cause he's been more busy since then #but dont bitch at me please? I'm tired too... I'm trying my best with not enough rest too #I'm so tired my baby thought i was upset and tried to cheer me up #what a cutie #she always tries to cheer me up when I'm not smiling which is not necessary??? i cannot smile all the time???#but i guess for her it's weird to not look concentrated or happy #i know she isnt scared. of me cause sometimes when i get a bit more stern she goes “oh oh” so i think she does it cause she is happy so i #should be making the happy face too after all she is happy???#at least i think that babies have no concept of other people feelibg other things than them. yet #anyways being a mom is hard jesus christ how the fuck do single moms manage???#or moms with useless husbands???#not saying we are perfect but at least my husband helps as much as he can and i can leave him alone with the baby as long as he has milk #i need to talk with him about this

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sunnikko · 2 months

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Saying Goodbye to My Mask event on project sekai may have been a premonition of having my own mental health tank to the same level as Mafuyu's because well. Let's just say. The depression. (⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)

#miko talking #well. even though i try to get help it feels like my parents sabotage me more #the only comfort is realizing my feelings and wondering about it #frankly i dont like acknowledging them bc then i feel like im not playing up to the role everyone expects of me but #i want to express it in my stuff but I've been losing my will to keep drawing and writing and i guess #this is what depression is like. i just never expected to find myself actually going through it #i thought i left that era of havingthe worst time of my life but i feel like these past few years #are definitely my most worst #i think thats one thing games like pjsk has me realizing #and why i find comfort in n25 #because to me they feel like pieces of me that have been written down #idk why im ranting lol??? i just want to be honest with how i feel but i end up going back to trying to be a people pleaser #ewwwww. i hate this. in truth i dont like people all that much. neither do i like making new friends #it's crazy because I'm always saying sure! when someone asks even though i know I'm not going to feel anything from it #sorry..... but I don't care enough anymore.... maybe one day i will #but right now not really..... at least at the moment.#these friendships with followers are in truth just parasociality and i dont want it after what happened the first time #especially with how two-faced/double standards people are like #people are the worst ^^ i wish the world was a kinder place for everyone but i dont know how much longer i can keep up with this #if only people minded their own business. im not someone to be babied by people who think they know better.#what a pain (⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠)

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humblemediagenius · 8 months

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I genuinely think the mental illness is affecting me no longer in the fun quirky silly way

#seaspeak #i tried telling my therapist about it last week but she was not very helpful she just called me normal #and I didnt have therapy this week so I couldn't elaborate on this #ive been like freaking out over a damn item that's overpriced and i could be using this money for stuff that's like actually useful but #i can't stop thinking about it and I have FOMO for sure #and I like wouldn't use the money for anything else. I don't buy things very often #and I have to get a job at some point later this yesr #*year #but idk I feel like im wasting money and time over something that's important but not really #I'll move on in a month and that'll be that #i dont know what to do anymore no one ever ever helps me out and tells me the right answer #either I get told I'm normal (from my therapist) or that I'm totally obsessed (from my parents) and no one ever listens to what I think #no one understands like the panic I've been feeling just to get a stupid overpriced toy that means nothing to anyone but me

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inkedlove · 3 months

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so frustrating when you wanna be someone's friend and they just are not cooperating. I'M INTERESTED IN YOU AS A PERSON. PLEASE INTERACT WITH ME.

#literally don't even care if you ever ask me anything about myself #i just wanna know about you #stop directing the conversation back to work please #we dont even work together anymore and somehow he still manages to always make the conversation about work #if i bring up something else by text he will literally ignore it and just answer the stuff about work #and on the phone he just manages to shut stuff down so quickly unless it's about work and then he has follow up questions and everything #and it's not that he wants me to go away because he's telling me to stay in touch and keep him updated #and that he'll send me links to help with getting a good phd and restaurant recommendations #and so WHY wont he talk to me about anything else #literally something as simple as how his weekend was #he wont tell me #he just blanks the question and asks about whatever work related thing i'm calling about #fucking frustrating man #i wanna hang out with yooouuuuuuu #tell me about your day please #he must just wanna keep our relationship very strictly professional but it's so odd to me to have the boundary be like this #to the extent of not even being replying when i ask how he is like that's insane #surely it's still within the realm of professional to ask how someone's weekend was #it's just hurting my brain because he seems to care about me so much in a work sense and is making sure that im doing what is best for me #and he looks out for me #so it cant be that he really dislikes me THAT much surely????

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longratcore · 2 years

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Bad rusty lake meme posting? Hell yeah!!

#rusty lake #cube escape #roots #albert vanderboom #dale vandermeer #can anyone help im stuck on the brain bit for paradox and idk how to stop the bugs :(#i dont know what i'm doing anymore

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