#help put a label on what they've been going through that can help them understand themselves (4/4)

[poolboyservice]

no full offense, but why the fuck is r/fakedisordercringe still a thing?

[radiocrypt-id]

The bad kids haven't really looked too closely at the Rat Grinders (meta wise I know it's a commentary on different play styles and how shitty xp farming is and how op players/parties can become by doing the bare minimum if they put in the time while everyone else plays the damn game) but I find the split perspective problems absolutely fascinating. I can't wait for the Bad Kids to look at the Rat Grinders with envy and anger that the Rat Grinders got to live a normal highschool life without all this insane danger and experience being a teenager without it being the end of the world for them. Right now they just hate the Rat Grinders energy and are matching it back (which is a very high school thing to do. To have beef with a whole other group of kids and not even know why but you'll die on this hill because they started shit first)

Because to the Rat Grinders, from a purely outside perspective, the Bad Kids are fucking monarchs of the school, right? They skipped classes, ran around town, fought people, got arrested, hung out with a big devil? Every new staff member came at their recommendation? One of them has both her dads working at the school?? The destroyed school property, got teachers killed, straight murdered the coach? These fucking kids run around and are apparently scott-free? because the principal liked their chaos enough to let it go and help them avoid the police? To the Rat Grinders, the Bad Kids are untouchable. They're exempt from the law. They're liars, cheats and need to be humbled. It's unfair. From everyone elses perspective, it really does look like the Bad Kids have been given crazy favourtism.

Meanwhile, all of the Bad Kids have died at least once. They've been irreparably changed and are in a constant state of fight or flight. They assume everything is dangerous and anyone might be an enemy because for two goddamn years that was the exact case! They couldn't trust any adult first year! Literally anyone could have been infected with Kalina second year! who knows what happened with the Night Yord but I fucking bet they had issues with Yorbies pretending to be helpful just to kill them! Everyone, for two years, has been out to get them! They can't even sleep! And now they have to grind so hard or they fail. Adaine has a seemingly full time job after school basically every day because she literally can't afford to live? Fabian has taken on the most physically strenuous classes and sport one dude could and has dreams of also being a social legend because he's fucking lonely in that big house and he just wants to fill it. If anyone in the party fails or dies Riz is shit out of luck and wont ever get into a university? He so desperately wants his friends with him so he's working over time and ignoring his limits to make up for his party members not caring about the future. Fig is going through the strangest arc I've ever seen in my life? she's hard avoidant and taking three classes, so a 250% work load, because she's desperate to fill her time so she can't think about all the other work she has to do that if she ignores too long could crush her under the debt of her band from her label, or how alone she feels without her girlfriend around. Gorgug is so desperate to prove himself that he's doing four years of school work in one, trying to play catch up and also prove himself at the same time, he's taking it all so seriously but also is so fucking tired. And Kristen. Mother fucking Kristen "hey girlie" applebees. Expected to dedicate her life to a god with no direction, with the weight of failure being her gods death, while also being in school and also at your friends insistence needing to run for student body president and getting your priorities so mixed up and being completely left behind by her peers who didn't have to rework their entire world view and understanding of life in the span of a few months every few months.

The Bad Kids are in a terrible place. They're suffering. I want them to just say it out loud, to stop pretending they have it handled and are fine. I want Riz and Adaine to yell at the party to get their shit together. I want Fabian to tell someone how alone and abandoned her feels. I want Kristen to scream at Cassandra that she agrees, that it's not fair, she's just a kid, how could she be enough all on her own with no help? It sucks a god can only rely on a child, for both the god and child! They're both suffering from this arrangement! Neither is happy! I want Gorgug to beat the shit out of Porter with his inventions and rage at the same time, to make the best shit and use it in the most stunning way anyone has ever seen. I want Fig to finally get some freaking help, to have her teachers and parents reach out in a meaningful way and stop telling her to figure it out alone because clearly the pressure is too much for her to handle and she's drowning. I want someone, anyone, to look at the Bad Kids and tell them to stop. To help them. But I know it wont be that easy. I know it'll be the Rat Grinders yelling at how unfair it is the Bad kids get everything while they're on the sidelines that'll get under the Bad Kids skin and they'll yell about how awesome they are and that they didn't ask for any of this shit to happen to them and to fuck off. I know it's gonna get so much worse before it gets better. I know they'll figure it out and that it'll be a painful road there.

[rainbowsky]

Here's a bit more fandom history for everyone.

It's been a long time since I've heard this incident talked about, but I guess turtles are reminiscing a bit about the kind of things GG's fans subject him to, and this has come back up.

Back in 2019 when GG was in Nanjing for The Untamed fan meet, a hotel staff member left this adorable Jianguo pillow with a little note 'from Jianguo' wishing him success with the concert. GG clearly enjoyed it because he posted it on his Oasis.

At first shrimps were enjoying it because they assumed it was a shrimp who'd done it, but when they realized it was a turtle they freaked out and launched a major cyberbullying campaign against the turtle and flooded the hotel with hundreds of phone calls complaining and trying to get her fired. Some of them threatened to keep calling the hotel every day and overwhelm the phone lines until she was fired.

GG had no choice but to delete the photo. He replaced it with a solid black image, and put the line, "post whatever you want" in his profile.

Just imagine how awful he must have felt, that his fans attacked and harassed a sweet fan who'd made him a lovely gift, nearly getting her fired - all from a post he made showing his appreciation for this cute, thoughtful gift.

If you wonder why GG and DD don't acknowledge turtles and why GG hasn't mentioned XFX by name in years, this is a bit of a clue as to why. GG especially has a lot of reason to be wary of being too personal and open with fans (and no doubt 227 didn't help with that at all). GG and DD know that acknowledging turtles will only harm them and lead to more hate and war from solos.

And GG has repeatedly said - including in his statement on the anniversary of 227, which was the first time he made a direct personal statement about it - that he doesn't believe anyone should identify as "I am ___'s fan."

"I want to tell my fans, everyone has the right to like and hate. No matter if you like or hate, it should be respected and allowed in their own spaces. Of course, this right should be based on rationality and not hurting other people, while following accurate values. I hope that my fans can understand that no matter what field or age, your personal likes and actions shouldn't cross the line or go against that field's ethics or morals. No matter if it's on the Internet or in real life, everyone should be responsible for their own actions. Even more, hope that none of us should be represented by the label 'xxx's fan.'"

GG realizes something that XFX can't seem to get through their heads: when you speak of "fans of Xiao Zhan," that is not synonymous with "XFX," no matter how much they would like everyone to believe that they're his only fan group. Actually, turtles are GG's fans also, as are all people who love and support GG, regardless of how they identify themselves and regardless of how deep or casual is their appreciation for him.

So pretty much ever since this era, and especially after 227, you never hear GG refer to his solo fandom by name. And I don't think that's because he has contempt or disregard for them (although I don't doubt he must harbor 'feelings' about everything they've put him through), rather I think it's because he wants to be inclusive toward all of his supporters, and not let it be thought that he doesn't appreciate everyone, regardless of 'affiliation'.

[hmshermitcraft]

killer rabbit hybrid!reader x polyhernits:

the reader is new to Hermitcraft and more than excited to be in a world with so many other hybrids. one that was so safe and understanding and full of so much creativity.

on everyone’s first day, they’re bouncing around, speaking to absolutely everyone! they get their first few tools with Zed, Tango and Beef, the go caving with Grian, Impulse, Xisuma and Pearl, villager pillaging with Gem, Doc and Xb, go to the nether with Wels, Jevin, Cleo and Joe and a is always in conversation with someone.

when they’re deciding on where to put their starter base though, they get stuck. they knew the hermits were in a relationship and they knew they all had their little groups but now they felt quite outcast. they sat at spawn for a few days, drawing up and scraping every base idea they came up with. more and more hermits were making their bases, setting up their groups for the season and now they’re really feeling the whole “third-wheel to a massive polycule” thing.

then, impulse took a seat beside them, leaning over slightly to try and see their blue prints to a base.

“so… what ya doing?”

reader is obviously startled and instinctively hissed, showing off their bright red eyes and sharpened buck teeth.

“ah! sorry, sorry!” impulse put his hands up defensively, tail straightening.

reader relaxes and apologises, then explains that they don’t know where to set up and how they don’t want to encroach on the couples.

“uh… you’re kinda gonna be surrounded by couples wherever you go, ya know?” impulse teased, “why don’t i go around with you and we can see if anyone wants another neighbour?”

the reader agrees and the two of them go around and it turns out… everyone is happy to have a new neighbours. the issue now was that there were too many choices, and some hermits had been extremely excited about the prospect of neighbouring with the Fresh Meat.

that night the reader, overwhelmed and lonely, begins to burrow into the dirt side of a mountain at spawn, burrowing deeper and creating tunnels. then they realised… they could create a whole connecting system pf burrows to all the hermits’ bases!

they start just poking their head out at random intervals. on a few occasions it causes issues, like accidentally knocking into someone as they suddenly appear from the ground or accidentally interrupting moments between couples but overall it’s incredibly useful, so much so that other hermits begin using them as well.

as the other hermits use their burrows, they learn more and more about the reader. as the season goes on, they become more sure of themself and finds a rhythm with the other hermits.

no one really realises when it happens but they just fit in. they join people on mundane tasks like collecting sand, or help them to create tunnels, or start joining a few hermits on dates and one day the hermits just start kissing them (not that they didn’t ask the reader, the reader fully agreed but no one ever put a label on it.)

eventually it is discussed but everything just continues as is. the reader fits, the reader is meant to be there.

____

uhh i basically just wrote fanfiction here … i am sorry.

The hermits didn't really see themselves using the tunnels until, suddenly, they were. Reader's network had become a hub of activity! People would decorate the tunnel near their base (and even build a burrow to match for Reader), shops have popped up in bigger caverns and it's not uncommon to bump into a fellow hermit whilst going through.

The nether might be faster for those far-away bases, but they just lack something the tunnels have. And it isn't just the nice, cool temperature versus the heat of the nether. Plus, using the tunnels makes Reader happy. It shows that they have a place here, they've contributed and made their mark. The hermits like seeing them happy.

Of course, Reader's true master plan is to use the tunnels for a huge game of hide and seek so they can hunt down their partners! All in good fun, but they should be wary of red eyes in the darkness...

[hwd405]

Spyro 3 - The GameSpot Build and Lost Media

I've been actively researching and documenting early builds of Spyro 3 for something like 7 or 8 years now, and while I feel like I've made a significant impact, there's always going to be people that have never seen any the content that I've helped to document - so, every now and then, I get the urge to infodump about one piece of my research to a new group of people, to help make sure that the documentation I've done isn't only known to a very small group of people... that'd defeat the purpose of documentation, to an extent, I think.

Sometimes, outreach ends up being extremely important to the research and preservation of prerelease content - and this is no better exemplified than with Spyro 3's "GameSpot build".

On June 23rd, 2000, several websites and publications revealed early previews of Spyro: Year of the Dragon - this date was probably some sort of online embargo date.

The "April preview", an early build which seems to match the one used at E3 2000, was used by most of these publications. A few of them, according to accounts from those that wrote the previews, received exclusive gameplay sessions from the likes of Mark Cerny - these previews apparently took place quite close to the embargo date and certainly would have used a later build than the April one. We know that IGN received one of these sessions (but, according to the author of the preview article, was allegedly unable to record gameplay during this session, which resulted in IGN having to use the same build everyone else did in their preview articles), and it's a pretty safe bet that GameSpot did, too. In GameSpot's case, we actually got to see what this build looked like:

As expected, it's a later build than the April prototype - this one seems to be from around the same point in development as the earliest demo disc version, though we're not sure if it's an earlier build or a later one. Three main characteristics stick out in these screenshots:

We don't ever see what the eggs looked like in this build, but the fragments use this bizarre ornate gold texture.

The HUD uses a green egg sprite similar to some of the eggs seen in the April build; the earliest demo disc version also uses this sprite.

For some reason, transparent polygons are a solid black colour, making some screenshots look sort of ominous and weird.

Perhaps the weirdest thing about this build is that the gold egg fragments it uses, which to most players would be completely unrecognisable and unlike anything they've ever seen before, actually do appear in the final game. And they hatch from every egg in the entire game. In most cases, the fragment flies off screen before the player can spot it.

The earliest demo build, which seems to be from around May 25th, 2000, does not include this texture at all, which has called into question the timeline placement of the GameSpot build. On one hand, they might've used the final egg texture momentarily, switched to the gold one, and switched back, accidentally leaving one of the textures intact. On the other hand, there have been cases in many Spyro builds of random early assets weeding their way back into the game via means that we don't really understand. Look no further than the August 27th, 1998 localisation prototype of Spyro the Dragon, a post-final build which inexplicably re-uses an early Gnasty Gnorc model, textures, and animations, from around 2 months earlier in development:

The info we have on this build doesn't just stop at screenshots, though! GameSpot kindly uploaded 5 videos of the build - labelled "Movie 2" through "Movie 6" (thanks GameSpot. that's not confusing at all) - to their website. Most of these videos were later temporarily put behind a paywall, and in 2014, 4 of these videos were deleted during a server move, with only Movie 2 (the one never put behind a paywall) remaining. The one movie that remained didn't even play properly in GameSpot's video player for years, so I had to download the video from the API to view it at all:

While the video is an important piece of history, and did reveal to us that the early Sgt. Byrd theme heard in some old IGN videos of the April preview had a previously unheard guitar section (this was prior to the public release of the April preview), it doesn't tell us very much new about the build. If we really wanted to more precisely date the build, we'd need to know what the eggs looked or sounded like - but the egg collection section was entirely cut from the video. As of yet, we just don't have this information.

As for Movies 3 - 6? These are now lost media. They were up on the site for 14 years, we know that people saw them, and I suspect there were people that downloaded them. However, since they were deleted nearly 10 years ago, nobody has come forward to say that they have one of the videos and to show what was in it. Anyone that does come forward with this info should be met with some scepticism, of course, but I think the only way we'll ever see more of this build is with a greater outreach and more widespread knowledge of the missing videos - the videos were readily downloadable from the website, and so someone still has the videos, I'm sure.

And before anyone asks, yes, the WayBack Machine has been very extensively searched for these videos - we can't find them, there's just no trace of them on there.

Judging by the video descriptions, Movie 3 would have focused on Bentley, Movie 4 on either Sheila or Agent 9, and Movies 5 and 6 on Spyro gameplay.

I've only ever encountered one person who claims to have seen these videos, and whether they're to be believed or not, they claimed that one of the videos showed Sunny Villa using Fireworks Factory's theme (levels using the wrong themes was very common in early builds of these games! Additionally, Fireworks Factory's theme is very likely to have been present around this point in development), and another showed Agent 9 gameplay using a track that didn't sound very Spyro-like, but more like "something from James Bond".

When the April preview released later on, it was discovered that early Spyro 3 builds actually do have a number of entirely non-Spyro themes, all by µ-Ziq and Propellerheads, left unused in their soundtrack data. The tracks in these builds seem to line up with the levels present in an earlier build of the game, and by this metric, it seems that "Spybreak!", a theme from the Matrix soundtrack, would have (fittingly?) lined up with Agent 9's Lab, and possibly would have been used in that level in internal development builds. Sure enough, my contact agreed that this was the theme they heard, when I sent them the track - if this is indeed the case, then this build is very very weird indeed.

It remains to be seen whether we'll ever learn anything new about this build, but we can only hope. I've linked to an archived 7z file containing all the screenshots uploaded to GameSpot below, as well as a link to a TCRF article detailing some of the known differences spotted in this build:

Archive.org

TCRF

[ovwechoes]

hope ur having a nide day so far!!

could u do tokkitsune hcs? sfw or nsfw i dont mind :D

i main kiri and i tweak out when theres a dva but it feels like nobody cares about tokkitsune anymore :(

TokKitsune / D.Va x Kiriko Headcanons (SFW) I never see anything for them anymore so I'm happy to write some (as a D.Va main)! I'll keep them SFW and if you'd like some NSFW ones send another ask through! Thank you for the request and they're under the cut - enjoy!

Who confessed? How did it go? Kiriko did imo - she's more open to the possibility of embarrassing herself with the confession, and would rather get the whole ordeal through and done with so that if she's rejected, the blow will be softer than if she waited too long. It caught Hana off guard, and at first I think that they had sort of a situationship, not putting a label on what they were with each other before actually asking each other if they wanted to be together officially. It was a sweet confession though, and Hana teases Kiriko all the time about how nervous she clearly was, with Kiriko doing the same back for when Hana explained she felt the same way.

Do they live together or want to? I like to imagine that they want to live together, and kind of already do with them both working for Overwatch now. In the beginning, they wanted to take things slow so they avoided the conversation of living together as much as they could, but they realised overtime how much they liked the close proximity they had in the OVW HQ. It made them realise that living together fully, in an apartment or home, wouldn't be any different besides from how many people lived with them. It's something they've decided they want, and they like the idea of having their own privacy and space away from prying eyes. Hana would've been the one to initiate it, asking what Kiriko felt about it and wanting to understand her perspective fully before asking if she wanted to start saving up with her to move out the HQ.

What is their relationship dynamic like? They're definitely the to be ‘opposites attract’ - Hana's the type of person who's introverted but still friendly, and enjoys her friendships even though her social batteries are worn down and barely functioning. She enjoys being able to do simple things with Kiriko, and often finds that Kiriko recharges her energy, bringing new motivation to her life that she hasn't found elsewhere. On the other hand, Kiriko's more extroverted and has practically a brand new social battery; she's not afraid to call people out or jeopardise her friendships with others because they go against her own moral code, and she often finds it hard to forgive and forget. With Hana, she's found herself learning how to forgive, and how to move on from her grudges. Kiriko still struggles with calling people out in an abrupt, brutally honest way, but Hana's shown her that she can do that and stand for her morals without letting her emotions overshadow her intentions. Kiriko likes that they have opposite approaches to things, and enjoys being with someone who's different from her and can show her things that she might not have considered in the past.

What are some places that are memorable for them, and hold importance in their relationship? One of the most memorable would be Kanezaka - when Hana surprised Kiriko with a trip there to celebrate their anniversary, it made her heart soar to know someone remembered that important place to her. Hana was curious about all the things that Kiriko told her about in the past, and wanted to see them for herself finally, so it was a trip that made them bond even more. It was a trip down memory lane, and they both enjoyed exploring Kiriko's past and seeing things that they might've forgotten about or were fixated on in previous conversations. It helped them bond too, and now they make an effort to explore Kanezaka together for their anniversaries, making a promise to do something new and exciting each time. Another general place that's memorable and important for them and their relationship is karaoke bars - their first date was at one, and they enjoyed every minute of embarrassing themselves to each other over bottles upon bottles of soju. It was the first time that they kissed, too, and so whenever they see one it brings up small, funny memories that they tease each other with. It's sweet, and they can't help but give into the temptation of spending the evening at whichever one they saw first, re-enacting their first date but with much more confidence, trust and love for one another.

What are some things they find challenging with each other? How do they work through it? Kiriko finds that she struggles the most with Hana's stubbornness, especially when it comes to accepting help. She finds it hard to watch Hana asleep at her desk, with alarms set for 30 mins from when she fell asleep so that she can continue her work without letting exhaustion get to the best of her. Hana refuses to accept Kiriko's help out of fear of being seen as too reliant, and it's something that Kiriko finds frustrating with her. All she wants to do is lend a hand, or an ear, or anything like that, and she feels helpless knowing that Hana wont accept it. It's something they've talked about, Hana feeling as though that it's not a valid argument and reassuring Kiriko that she truly genuinely doesn't need the help, but appreciates the offers always. It's led to Kiriko teaching herself how to cope with the refusals, and processing the fact that it's not personal and that if Hana wants help, she'll come to her (which she has in the past a couple times). It was hard for her, but she's willing to look past it because the positives of the relationship make this all the more worthwhile, and she isn't going to ruin a good thing because of an issue like this. Hana finds that she struggles the most with Kiriko's recklessness. She understands that Kiriko has a strong desire to show she can protect her loved ones and prove to them that she's someone they can trust, but it breaks Hana's heart when Kiriko comes back from missions with injuries that could've been prevented if this wasn't the case. The amount of pep talks and lectures Hana's given Kiriko about being safer, not to underestimate her enemy's abilities, and to consider her safety more often is insane. Hana worries about Kiriko a lot, and she's learned that as long as she's available to protect her when needed, and help her back up when she's injured, then she's doing something good for her. She wouldn't tell Kiriko how it makes her feel, though, and would instead try and give her ways to protect herself, or talk to others on the same missions as her about keeping an eye out on her.

How often do they go on dates, and what are some they enjoy the most? With their busy schedules, they only tend to go on dates when they're off work, and even then that entirely depends on how much energy Hana has left to spare for the day. Kiriko doesn't mind it, of course, and loves to be able to spend time with her partner no matter what they're doing together. One of the most common would be karaoke dates, or dinner dates at restaurants they've frequented so often to that they have their own table that the staff always escort them to. On the other hand, they'll sometimes enjoy movie nights in, picnic dates at night, or simply spa dates where they do all the high-maintenance things they've been putting off together like waxing, skin care, lash perms, the lot. If they're on the low end of their budget, they'll usually go to the store and buy new skincare they want to try, and spend the night in their robes helping each other with them while they watch reality tv shows with some takeout. It's their way of relaxing, often finding it more rewarding that spending more money doing something they might hate in the end. Though, they're not fussy and they love to spend time with each other in any way possible.

[saltynsassy31]

This is going to be a long one, and since I just need to let some thoughts out I'm going to cut it here

I've been in a strange mood lately, I'm not as depressed as I used to be, I think, or at least I don't feel as sad, rather I feel....empty almost, I feel nothing.

I'm stressed but also just floating with time.

But I also still do feel something, like happy or angry, but only when I reach the extremes.

I stare at an empty paper feeling angry, tired, annoyed, confused, lost, upset.

I feel so much that I feel nothing at all.

It's 3 in the morning and I feel so lost? Like I'm in some sort of haze, walking through a foggy forest with no clear path to follow, the signs are broken and point at the wrong direction so by not trusting it I take the path I feel like taking but I'm insure.

I have projects due this week, yet I don't seem to bother to finish them.

I want to draw and tell my stories but they feel so foggy and distant from where I am at, i can't generate a proper time line. When I try to draw it's like my muscles become noodles, weak, lazy, and all I want to do is sleep, sleep and sleep.

I don't want to die either, there is still so much more I want to do before that happens, so much more that I need to do but I'm just so tired lately.

I don't know how to describe this feeling, really, I'm not sad, like at all, i don't feel as lost as I used to be, I know what I want to do and how to do it. Just this part of my life is not it right now, and I guess that's just part of living.

I start to wonder if all of this is even worth it, if I should just quit while I'm at it, but that would just make things harder.

There is so much I want to express but there are no words for it, it just is, and it's frustrating, I wish someone could understand how I feel, no sympathy or anything, just understanding, I don't want help, or advice, just to be seen....maybe, idk.

I'm just listening to some retrowave music as I try to go to sleep.

I want....what do I want? I want many things, but right now I want to be floating in nowhere in particular, I just want to be floating in a place where everything feels purple and blue, where the smell of wet grass overflows my senses. I want to be sitting in my porch of my house that doesn't exist, staring at the sunset or sunrise, seeing those pretty blues, pinks and oranges, the stars slowly fading away, a jacket over my shoulders as the fairy lights from my porch light me up, the waves of the beach infront of my fictional house hitting the sand and socks, making soothing noise to my ears. I want soft music that gives me that sweet taste of nostalgia, the feeling of being young and naive, of the days where it would rain so hard we'd have to stay at home, my parents napping and me and my sister would build pillow forts and make a city with our plushies, playing pretend as the droplets of rain hit our window.

We'd open it to smell it and feel the wind because our city was so dry, this was a miracle.

The days we'd get back from school and go down to our apartment's pool and swim on it, floating as we stared at the abiss of the night, only the pool lights keeping us company, until we were called from the window to come eat dinner.

I guess I just miss that.

I miss...home.

A home that wasn't a place but a fleeting feeling.

I try to convey that in my stories, I'll be honest, i hate being labelled as the angst queen, my stories being nothing but a way to torture a character. Don't get me wrong i like to joke about it, but not when I'm being serious about a plot point in my story.

It's healing to have them go through so much and still find peace, to think of them in this place I just described even though they've seen and done so much, to know that it'll be okay after all, that in the end of the day, they can still watch the sunset.

It's peaceful to know they aren't alone, that it's okay...it'll be okay.

There's a reason why I like dreamcore so much i suppose, it's....how do I even put it? Healing? Bittersweet? Scary in a safe way?

I don't know anymore.

I like to imagine my ocs just having peaceful moments, just chilling and having fun, without worrying about anything but their own enjoyment.

I'm getting sleepy but there is so much more I want to say, even when nobody is reading, it's nice to say it out loud...or write it I suppose.

Idk, I'm not sure anymore.

My eyes are burning, I should go to sleep.

I have more to say but right now isn't the time, I'm not sure when is, but oh well, maybe I'll find words to describe these feelings one day.

Or maybe it's not words i need, rather ways to show it, through story telling or drawing....I'll find a way, good night.

[katetings]

12 18 22

i tried this wine the other day: a tasty white macabeo from the south of france with a minimalist typeface and a pretty label.

after pouring myself a glass, i googled the name.

embruns.

french for 'sea spray' or 'spindrift'.

i was sitting in the pit of my depression this morning, big juicy tears running down my face, feeling nothing and everything all at once. that dichotomy is hard to explain to people who haven't experienced it.

i took a photo of myself to see whether or not my pain is something tangible or if it's this invisible thing that's silently swallowing me up. turns out, i look fucking terrible.

+ + +

i've recently vocalized to a few friends for the first time that i feel suicidal. when people hear that word – suicidal – they harden faster than you can believe. everyone always tell you to say it when you feel it, but when you do, people don't know what to do with it.

i think it's because everyone has their own experience with that word. something they've felt; something they've seen someone else feel; something they don't understand; an idea that seems so abstract – so encompassing – that it's just simply too paralyzing to navigate. my sister tried to kill herself when she was sixteen. i know that feeling in my guts: trying to make logical sense of something that is deeply psychological.

attempting to understand someone's depression or suicidal ideations is like putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound.

but, for several weeks, i've been trying to understand my own. after years of therapy and a whole lot of self awareness, it's always incredible to watch something engulf you like quicksand before you can say 'someone please help me'.

but, then: embruns. sometimes, i feel like i'm at the bottom of a wave as it crashes down and sucks me back up through its insides. those are the days where the big, juicy tears come and i've lost track of what direction is up.

other times, i'm behind the wave in calm, glassy water: sitting, observing, watching it coil, reveling in its beauty.

i really thought life would be a lot more of the ladder, but it turns out adulthood is kind of just a series of fucked up barrels that are coming for you whether you're ready to deal with them or not. + + +

maybe on your best days, you see the beauty in all of it. but on the worst days, the impending doom – the sheer inertia – is enough to make you drown. most of the time, though, i find that i'm caught in the spindrift. embruns. the remnants of the last wave. the residual shit. the slow burn.

it comes. it goes. it comes. it goes. it comes again.

it's this constant thing that does not stop. it'll whip you in the face when you aren't ready for it. it'll invigorate you when you are.

but no matter what you do, or how you feel, there it is. and, in examining this idea, i've realized that the spindrift is so much more engulfing than the wave itself. when i look at myself in that photo, i see so much pain. but i also see this passivity deep in my eyeballs. like, i don't want to die. but i don't really care if i live. i'm not going to hurt myself, but i don't care if someone else hurts me. we're all so fixated on the big, hard moments and how we'll deal with them. who will be there. what it'll feel like. but the devil is in the details, isn't it? the small moments that never stop. the feeling of being alone when you really want someone around. it's heartbreaking. i hope i'll revel in the beauty again one day. but for now, there's always another french wine to try.

santé.

[writingquestionsanswered]

How do you write when a character is in love with someone but doesn't know they are? Where neither the character nor the book itself is outright denying or confirming it (until later)

Character is In Love without Realizing It

It's important to remember that fondness, admiration, and affection can exist even when a person doesn't recognize those feelings as deep romantic love.

Someone who has never been in love before, or has never experienced real romantic love, might mistake their feelings of romantic affection as being regular, platonic feelings of friendship. Or, they might understand that those feelings go a lot deeper without being able to put a label on them. (I have typed and backspaced over about fifty OFMD references here. IFKYK...)

Someone who has been in love before or has experienced romantic love, might still mistake those feelings, but for different reasons. If they've had their heart broken in the past or if they're dealing with issues of self-worth, they might not see themselves as worthy of romantic love, so their brain does everything possible to convince them that's not what they're feeling.

So, start by figuring out which of those things applies to your character. Next, plot out all of the moments of Subtle Signs of Romantic Interest and Love, but just don't have the character label those feelings as being either friendship or love. No labels at all, just unspecified adoration and affection. That way, you're not telling the reader "this isn't what you think it is..." but you're also not telling the reader "this is exactly what you think it is." You're letting them go along for the ride with the character until the moment the character realizes the true nature of their feelings.

And, even if those feelings won't be labeled as romantic until later, the following posts will still help you know what to do and plot it all out:

Guide: Creating Romantic Chemistry Guide: Characters Falling in Love Guide: Writing a Slow Burn Romance Transitioning Through Levels of Affection

Have fun with your story!

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[ridiasfangirlings]

(1/2 songwriter Fushimi au)Fushimi uses data to make songs he knows people could get into for s4 idol group. The songs are great but nothing super special then one day, he gets sick but they need a new song asap. One of the s4 members find an old songbook and sees a song that looks good but they've never seen before and thought it'd be a good one to sing. The song was something Fushimi made after he had a falling out with his ex-bestie Yata who he had a crush on but felt betrayed cause Yata had

Thinking of this as not even just Fushimi using data but maybe while he can’t express his emotions normally he can through his lyrics. Like imagine this as Idol K-style AU, Yata and Fushimi are originally a duo and Fushimi writes all their songs. Yata thinks Saruhiko’s music is really amazing and how does he manage to write such cool songs. Fushimi claims he just uses data to figure out what the most affecting song would be but really even he isn’t aware that the reason he can write all these songs is because he’s writing out all the emotions that he can’t really grasp normally. Then when they get signed to label Homra suddenly other people are writing songs for Yata and Fushimi feels like he’s lost all his talent, the only songs he can write are depressing or angry and not at all the stuff of idols.

Eventually Fushimi breaks things off with Yata and goes to S4. Right after the whole betrayal happens Fushimi returns to the new apartment that’s been set up for him and he grabs a notebook. He starts writing out all these feelings that are swirling inside of him, how much he loves Yata and doesn’t want to leave but feels like he has to, like that person doesn’t understand him anymore and it hurts too much to stay. It’s only at this moment that Fushimi realizes he’s been writing out his feelings all along and he gives this bitter laugh, all disgusted with himself. He almost throws the song away but ends up just tossing the notebook into his duffle bag intending to forget about it.

Eventually in S4 Fushimi becomes one of their main songwriters, now he really is using data to write hits for everyone. One day there’s some concert coming up soon and the alphabet squad unit needs a new song, they intend to ask Fushimi but it turns out he’s sick. Fushimi tells them to just go into the duffle bag he left at the office and take any song in his notebook, he keeps a few extra just in case that he’s still workshopping but they should be decent enough for a live new song preview. The squad are like as expected of Fushimi-san, of course he thinks of everything. They go to look in his bag and while picking it up Doumyouji accidentally dumps out the whole thing, all Fushimi’s stuff getting messed up. Hidaka grabs the notebook on top, assuming this must be the one Fushimi meant, flipping through it. The notebook is mostly empty but there is one song there, everyone leans over to read it and they’re like wow this is so good this is definitely the one he meant us to take.

The concert goes great, the last ‘new song preview’ is a huge hit and recording for the official release starts right away. Fushimi has no idea until like a day before release and he’s irritated, like that song wasn’t meant to be seen by anybody. He can’t stop the release now though, especially because he doesn’t want to admit the reason why he doesn’t want that song sung. The song races to the top of the charts and Fushimi tells himself that it’s fine, Misaki is an idiot so there’s no way he’ll know it’s about him, no one will know but Fushimi and he’ll just wait until the radio stops playing it already.

Of course the song just keeps getting more and more popular and eventually Yata can’t help but hear it. Maybe the first time he hears it is at some joint concert, he has time before his set and he ends up listening in on S4 figuring he should at least know who he needs to be better than. The song’s lyrics immediately hit him straight in the heart, like imagine Fushimi put in all this imagery that normal listeners wouldn’t think twice about but Yata recognizes stuff from his memories of when he and Saruhiko were together. He’s like no way could this be about me, that’s ridiculous, but with every word it just feels clearer and clearer. When the song is done Yata finds himself running backstage and he grabs one of the S4 boys, demanding to know who wrote that song. The squad are all cold to him as one of Homra’s people but someone does eventually tell him that “Fushimi-san wrote it of course.” 

Yata is so shocked he just falls back against the wall,  not sure what to think. Like he knows for sure Fushimi must have meant it for him but then Fushimi’s still been acting the same as always, taunting him and being cruel every time they meet. Yata wonders if this is what Fushimi really wanted to say to him all along though and he decides that if Fushimi can only be honest in song then Yata will answer in kind. He’s never written a song before but Yata’s determined, his next song is going to be everything he’s ever wanted to say to Fushimi and he won’t stop until Fushimi listens, not this time.

[mbti-notes]

Hello. I've been reading through your blog and saw many instances where Feelers are mistyped as Thinkers. Feelers are also more proned to be mistyped as Thinkers because most societies seem to value Thinker trait more than Feeler triat. However, I was wondering about vice-versa. When Thinkers are mistyped as Feelers, whether self-typed or typed by others, what could possibly happen to make it be the case? Reading through loops/grips, which are the things that usually make Feelers seem like Thinkers, I can't really spot a clear example of those doing the same thing to Thinkers. Also, if mistyping happens in this case, what are the things that one can spot, in oneself or in others, that the person is not actually a Feeler but perhaps a Thinker with high emotional intelligence or a Thinker whose emotions got out of control? Sorry if this has been covered already, but I combed through the blog and couldn't find anything. I want to know because I want to know the variety of expressions that come with each type. Thank you very much.

You can't find anything because it rarely happens here. It all depends on the method used for assessment. Use a bad method, get inaccurate results. When people come to my blog to do a type assessment, they are required to read the guides and use them to put together a very detailed profile of themselves. It is extremely rare for Ts to not know that they are T once they've done their homework. Fs, being more sensitive, are simply more likely to get clouded and misled by various psychological issues. Thus, they often have to take an extra step to address those issues before they're able to see the underlying cognitive functions.

The majority of mistypes occur because of knowledge deficits. When your knowledge about type is superficial at best, then how do you perform a type assessment? You just rely on online test results or common stereotypes. For example, you see someone who is very expressive and passionate (ESTP), very enthusiastic and helpful (ESTJ), or very polite and soft-spoken (INTP), and you just assume that they are F. Similarly, you see someone who is very firm and distant (ISFP), very cynical and critical (INFJ), or very cold and sarcastic (ENFP), and you just assume that they are T. Your so-called "method" of assessment is to take 1-2 bits of their behavior at face value and then grab the nearest stereotype. No further explanation needed, right?

The reason people feel more confident about their type after going through my method of assessment is because the process requires them to dig very deep into themselves. That's the way to get past the stereotypes (behavior) and see into the exact mental processes at work (cognition). In the guides, I make a big point of saying that you must accumulate plenty of evidence for every function of the stack. Without doing that, you only have bits and pieces, and the functional stack never really comes together to form a coherent whole, so you can't be confident in drawing a conclusion.

A lot of newbies get into type theory with the mistaken belief that it's an easy shorthand for understanding people, and the result is that they go around slapping labels on everyone. This is not what Jung intended. Actually, type theory, when applied properly, reveals people's true complexity. Complexity allows you to understand people better by probing more deeply beneath mere appearances.

[mantra4ia]

Debris: speculation and what we know so far about...

Bryan

The character is from Texas, has no siblings, and his parents are both alive.

He served in MARSOC (Marine Special Forces) in Afghanistan, where he was in a military prison in some capacity (officer or detainee unclear, but an alternate reality he's called a war criminal, so he's likely detained).

FWIW, I'm a little surprised that in an alternative reality Bryan wasn't a part of Influx. He shares a similar kind of backstory with Anson Ash.

He carries a baseball on the plane like a momento stress ball (1x03).

He eats...a lot, literally thinks with his stomach, seemingly indiscriminately (#you could just pull up a chair to the buffet). Stale Peeps, weeks old sandwiches, rewarmed burritos, anything from the minibar, etc. Maybe he was a smoker in the time before and it killed his sense of taste. Or he just has an iron stomach from his time on active duty. In any case, food seems to be his unconditional OTP. I request a GIF supercut.

He seems to know a bunch of field operatives (Lester, Sharon, John the ME, Muntz, Beck from containment) from various Orbital teams, perhaps even worked cases with a few, along with everyone in Maddox's office. He's very cordial so presumably he likes them, but in stark contrast at least half seem to decidedly dislike him with baiting antagonism, some openly hostile. Sharon: "why are you smirking at me Bryan?" Muntz, the Laghari lab tech: "I've come across plenty like you...men who play by their own rules." Beck: "They only send in the A-team when they want the agents to survive...easy for you to say, I'm the one who had to tell his wife". No wonder he feels a bit ostracized. Perhaps his reputation (impulsive?) proceeds him or perhaps he's been labeled an "unlucky" partner that misfortune follows so he gets kept at a distance?

The exception to the above seems to be Gary Garcia, the former scientist that helps hide George. May be former partners if the audio during credit rolls is any indication, and knows about Bryan's health / injections. They appear close. Perhaps because they share a mentality: both presumably injured in their line of work at Orbital, and they know what it means to have to rely on yourself.

When we meet Finola and Bryan, it seems like they've been working together for a few weeks, stateside at least (Finola's quote 1x02: Been here 3 weeks, feels like 3 years) and that he's had at least two Orbital partners prior, one (Julian / Jules) that died on duty, and the other creepy Dutch guy still living, Niels. How many more partners has he been through? Is it protocol that they get reassigned/shuffled so often to follow the debris, or so as not to form attachments "This job is about being alone, it's supposed to be...we're a blip in other people's lives", or does his personality not play well with others, like from the pilot when he tells Finola "it's been a long time since I've worked with somebody who's looked at me like another human being."

Also in 1x01 when Bryan says, "So are we now saying the debris pulled [Kieran] from the ground and added meat to his bones" and Finola says no, he was cremated, Bryan looks almost disappointed like he was momentarily more hopeful than pragmatic. At first I thought this was just a lead up to introducing the fact that George Jones was alive, but maybe another plot point is that Bryan has lost someone in duty he wants back.

He carries a picture in his front pocket of a woman with some Persian/ Farsi(?) or Urdu(?) written on the back. It's hard to tell by the script, it could be neither. When confronted by that, his clone says "I can't let it go." Old flame that was lost? Or a partner of a fallen service member killed in action —I've lost brothers— that he couldn't save (is that part of Bryan's dark guilt / grief)? Civilian casualty of a Marine mission? In the pilot when he tells Isla "you have to tell her how much you need her, I know from experience...You will not be able to forgive yourself if you don't" is Bryan thinking of this woman?

EDIT: considering the next episode is called "Asalah," which could be a woman's name, maybe that's part of the text on the back of the photo. Pure speculation.

He counts on himself to be level and composed when it comes to his emotions and apologizes when he isn't. He loses that composure in the pilot when Isla talks about family therapy and fighting with her mother after Kieran's death: "I knew someone like her once." Was Bryan referring to himself, has he been through post-service therapy? Perhaps he developed a rift with his family or left home at an early age like she did?

Bryan would be great at pub trivia night. He always seems to have an odd fact ready about NASA tech, native legends, an article about a historical building that he read, Fleetwood PA, etc. He doesn't seem the type to keep facts on standby to impress, so perhaps he's a secret bibliophile even though Finola hassles him for not reading case files.

"Fin: Maybe we should run some more tests before we continue/ Bryan: I will cut bait if you want to / Fin; let's just look out for each other" 1x02 Bryan seems more cautious than impulsive, he does a good job of listening to Finola's concerns. Is that from experience? Did he get overconfident, mishandle debris, and get permanently injured, hence the frequent blood work and injections?

"This man saved my life." Why does Bryan trust Maddox implicitly? And when Maddox says in 1x07 "Investigate quietly. I want to keep the lights off. I don't want to lose anymore lives, Bryan, okay?" is that a word of warning specially for him? Does he have a body count? (see afforementioned question of frequent work partners turnover and having an unlucky reputation)

Bryan in protective of Finola when the CIA taps her apartment. It's the straw that turns his allegiance from his agency to his partner.

I still can't place why Bryan carries a baseball — it seems like it could be a red herring, but I can't get over the visual of Maddox playing catch with Dario and reading into it as some sort of surrogate bond — or why he has a chain around his neck (1x05). It's not service tags and probably not a ring, it's some kind of pendant: a large loop encircling a dull, perhaps tarnished, gray metallic disc. A patron saint? A piece of shrapnel? A piece of debris? Unclear, but it definitely has texture or an etching.

Top Bryan Quotes

"That's the job. Impossible." 1x01 Pilot

"We are supposed to be blips in these people's lives, not memories." 1x04 In Universe

"It's been a long time since I've worked with somebody who's looked at me like another human being." 1x01

"Zippo lighters, Pyrex glassware, Crayola crayons, and of course Peeps. Insane for peeps, cracklike...we owe the people of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania a great deal of gratitude and I am not afraid to say it." 1x02 You Are Not Alone

"I've been thinking, [about] Finola.. if MI6 knew her father was still alive they would take her out of here. We need to get home before this becomes an issue...this is going to affect her." 1x03 Solar Winds, when he's not sure how her father will affect her empathetic-based decision-making

Craig: "You hated the creepy Dutch guy." / Bryan: "He was adorable."

"Well, one of my tips for survival, Muntz, is always let the other guy touch the debris first." 1x03 So is that what happened to Garcia?

To Finola "I realize I tend to forget that there's still magic to discover in the world. But not you." 1x03

"There are things that you understand about life that I don't, and I respect that. But there are things that I know that you will not find very palatable...I am going to focus on the people that we're saving and not the ones that we can't." 1x04

"If we don't act, we might not be able to stop the terraforming. There's no way we're going to be able to win all these, and I know that every cell in your body right now is screaming for you to do what you think is right. I need you to go against that. I need you to trust me." 1x04

"Finola's capable. I trust her instincts." 1x08 Spaceman

"I'm running on sugar and coffee for the rest of the day" 1x07 You Can Call Her Caroline, but really isn't that Bryan everyday?

"When I tell you that I understand, it's not empty...I lost brothers. It destroys families. There are people who can help you with what you're going through right now...There is a way to get back from this pain. I was where you were, and the darkness almost ended me. And somebody put out his hand... I want to be there for you." 1x07

"I'm trying to get back to someone. It's very important to me." 1x09 Do You Know Icarus?

[tabloidtoc]

Star, May 3

You can buy a brand new copy of this issue without the mailing label for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Shiloh Jolie-Pitt

Page 1: Christina Aguilera at 40 -- she talks about child stardom, learning to love her body, and what she wants her daughter Summer to know

Page 2: Contents, Renee Zellweger, Phoebe Dynevor and James McAvoy at the BAFTAs in London

Page 3: Mariska Hargitay and Law & Order: SVU co-star Ice-T take a selfie during a break from shooting the cop drama in NYC, Heather Graham at the beach in Mexico, stepping into the America's Got Talent studio Sofia Vergara elevated her casual cropped jeans with strappy platform sandals in L.A., Jason Momoa cutting a rug with an unidentified partner ahead of filming a scene for his upcoming fantasy film Slumberland in Toronto

Page 4: Colton Underwood comes out -- saying he's the happiest and healthiest he's ever been, the former Bachelor clarifies his orientation

Page 5: Lena Dunham is no stranger to controversy, so it comes as no surprise that her foray into fashion design has also come under fire as she partnered with a plus-size label to create the capsule collection 11 Honore x Lena Dunham, but the kicky line quickly came under fire as critics are calling it tone-deaf, mediocre and not inclusive at all since its largest size is a 26 and some are even going so far to call Lena a grifter who gained weight in order to make money off the plus-size community but Lena, who underwent a hysterectomy at 31, has pointed to early menopause as the cause of her straight-up gut -- while Lena refuses to be intimidated by bullies, she is listening to the complaints about sizes and is planning to address it

* Once a cautionary tale of the perils of child stardom, at age 40 Macaulay Culkin is a father himself as he and girlfriend Brenda Song welcomed a son, Dakota -- he's finally overcome his demons and Brenda has been a huge influence on his life and helped him get back on the straight and narrow and he's even pursuing acting again, shooting season 10 of American Horror Story; his life has taken such a positive turn

* A year after announcing her split from Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari is seeing the upside of divorce, saying it's made her a better mom in some ways because she has her kids half the time now so when she has them for her week, she is so incredibly present with her kids Camden, Jaxon and Saylor and she is not distracted by her phone or anything else; she is with them -- Jay and Kristin each have the kids 182.5 days a year and court papers also revealed that her ex is allowed two phone calls and two FaceTime or Skype calls a week and vice versa so now every moment is precious and if someone is having a temper tantrum or something, she remains calm because she knows that she is losing them in a few days

Page 6: Gwen Stefani is widely thought to have had some help in the nips and tucks department, and as her wedding to Blake Shelton approaches, he is starting to object to her constant tweaking of her face -- she's always messing with it by getting more fillers and Botox and Blake is afraid of what he'll see at the altar and he's freaking out at Gwen's increasingly extreme beauty routine which is becoming increasingly over-the-top; Gwen can barely move her face to smile at him anymore and it looks weird -- while he frets, he's trying to reassure his wife-to-be because Blake thinks she's beautiful just the way she is

* As an executive producer on the long-running Law & Order: SVU, Mariska Hargitay has tasked the writers to come up with more storylines featuring one of her favorite characters: defense attorney Trevor Langan, played by none other than her husband Peter Hermann -- Mariska and Peter originally met and fell in love when Peter guest-starred on the show and she loves to keep that magic alive by bringing him back to play Trevor but the trouble is he is busy with his own gigs as a series regular on Younger and his recurring role on Blue Bloods and Peter loves working with his wife, but he has his own acting career apart from Mariska -- still, he may soon have his day in court because Peter understands how Mariska feels and is trying to work his schedule to allow him some guest spots in the near future

Page 8: Star Shots -- Lenny Kravitz with a guitar flaunted his well-sculpted midsection during a stroll on the beach, Suki Waterhouse with her on-the-go grub on the set in Liverpool

Page 9: Louisa Jacobson and Taissa Farmiga and Denee Benton on the set of The Gilded Age in NYC, Conan O'Brien sipped on a soda at lunch in L.A., Katy Perry in the American Idol bathroom

Page 10: Kate Hudson with mom Goldie Hawn and kids Ryder and Rani, Kate Hudson twirled solo modeling in a pal's swimwear collection, Jude Law's daughter Iris Law who will make her acting debut in Danny Boyle's upcoming Sex Pistols biopic makes a call in London

Page 12: Kelly Osbourne handed out items at a food distribution event as the Islamic Center for Southern California, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in the gym, despite a no-social warning a cheeky Nicole Kidman shared a pic from the set of Aaron Sorkin's Being the Ricardos in which she portrays Lucille Ball

Page 13: Anabella Sciorra and Donnie Wahlberg gloved up for a Blue Bloods scene in NYC, Heidi Klum and husband Tom Kaulitz started their morning during a walk on the beach in L.A.

Page 14: Travis Barker showed off his body art stepping off a Hollywood tour bus shirtless after filming a music video, a cheerful Britney Spears gave a fun look into her wardrobe in a pink floral frock, Scott Disick and Amelia Hamlin color-coordinated for a walk near the beach in Miami

Page 16: Lamar Odom and Aaron Carter put up their dukes to promote their Celebrity Boxing Match in Philadelphia, Priyanka Chopra Jonas and husband Nick Jonas at the BAFTAs in London, Ellen DeGeneres on the phone during a stroll in her main hood of Montecito

Page 18: Normal or Not? A denim-on-denim clad Jay Leno scratched an itch while filming a project in Los Angeles -- not normal, dressed in a Siggi sweatshirt Katie Holmes picked up some seasonal blooms on Manhattan's Upper East Side -- normal, Kate Beckinsale multitasked during a car ride by applying undereye patches -- not normal

Page 19: Gavin Rossdale appeared to be pleased with his Kitson purchase by doing a little dance after leaving the popular L.A. store -- not normal

Page 20: Fashion -- stars wow in statement-making capes -- Gisele Bundchen, Charlize Theron, Zoey Deutch

Page 21: Greta Gerwig, Elle Fanning

Page 24: Justin Bieber: How Love Saved Me -- the formerly troubled pop singer gives praise for wife Hailey Bieber

Page 25: Olivia Wilde and Harry Styles' romance has already cooled and the pair are giving each other space -- turns out Olivia and Harry don't actually have much in common -- the two jetted to London after wrapping Don't Worry Darling, but they were soon waylaid by their respective responsibilities as Olivia has been spending time with her kids Otis and Daisy while her ex Jason Sudeikis shoots Ted Lasso while Harry, who was spooked by how quickly intense things got, is gearing up for his role in My Policeman -- for now, the two have decided to reassess things when they're back in L.A., which leaves the window open for Jason, whose strategy was to let her and Harry fizzle out, then see where she is at, and it's going according to plan

* Jennifer Lopez calls off her relationship with Alex Rodriguez

* Carrie Underwood and Mike Fisher are better than ever after overcoming a rough patch, one that had their inner circle convinced they were headed for divorce -- Mike had a serious roving eye that made Carrie anxious and she would treat him like he was Mr. Underwood and tensions between the two were at an all-time high when the pandemic hit, forcing the two into extra one-on-one time, but as it turns out, their new routine is just what they needed because they set boundaries, divided up tasks and put time aside for fun things and they prioritized romance, which has made all the difference -- Carrie and Mike are re-committed to their marriage and they've been through so much so much and neither wants to throw it away

Page 26: Cover Story -- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's model kid -- Shiloh Jolie-Pitt the gorgeous teen is ready for her close up, but Brad and Angie are at odds about Shiloh's new passion -- Shiloh's been experimenting with girlier styles lately, including growing out her hair and she's at the age where she's starting to change things up -- Brad isn't thrilled about Shiloh's modeling dreams and idea of her walking into the lion's den gives him cause for concern -- Angelina began modeling at 16, just one year older than Shiloh and Shiloh knows that's what set her mom on her path to fame and Shiloh is constantly asking Angie about the pros and cons of the modeling world

Page 29: Model Kids -- these celeb offspring also know how to strike a pose -- Hailey Bieber, Sofia Richie, Amelia Hamlin, Lily-Rose Depp, Brooklyn Beckham, Paris Jackson, Kendall Jenner, Corinne Foxx, Ireland Baldwin, Margaret Qualley, Kaia Gerber, Leni Klum, Patrick Schwarzenegger

Page 30: Prince William and Prince Harry: Behind Closed Doors -- the estranged princes are forced to reckon with their rift as the royal family gathers for Prince Philip's funeral

Page 32: High Anxiety -- it's not so simple for celebs who struggle with panic attacks -- Emma Stone, Stephen Colbert, Amanda Seyfried

Page 33: Hugh Grant, Ryan Reynolds, Ariana Grande

Page 36: Beauty -- nail it -- self-care essentials to score the perfect at-home manicure and pedicure -- Kaley Cuoco

Page 38: Style -- cute cases -- step up your tech, and fashion, game this season with a trendy cellphone cover -- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley

Page 40: Entertainment

Page 48: Parting Shot -- Corey Feldman embraced wife Courtney Anne Mitchell as the two ventured out for a romantic outing in L.A.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

[ cw unreality / childhood trama? ] hey can i ask for some resources or adivce on something, my parents when i was younger used to taunt me about my weight and made jokes about me and how they couldn't full wrap their hand around my wrist. they fucked up my self esteem by saying my best chance at college was community college and wouldn't disagree with my sisters saying they should've stopped at two (im the youngest of three), i got blamed for having the most attention but i never really got it? and they would always yell at me if i couldn't understand something immediately and would disregard alot of asks to get medical treatment for stuff. i tried telling them before but they always disregarded it and said they never did it and now i feel like im losing sense of my childhood in a way bc i can't remember if my stories are fake or real. it's also been screwing with my memory recently because i can't remember alot of details sometimes or information, and no matter how hard i try it won't fully lodge in my brain. i want to find an way even if i can't get professionally get closure on my mental health, to be able to put a label on what my emotions are so i could feasibly find resources or anything that could help me stay solid on the ground. thoughts?

Hey anon,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's an awful situation to be in, and you truly deserve better. I'm so, so sorry you aren't getting it.

From what you've described, it sounds like your parents are emotionally abusing you. They've belittled you for your weight and destroyed your self-esteem in multiple ways--if what they were doing was from a peer it would likely classify as bullying, and that's traumatic and incredibly hard to deal with. On top of that, they're denying what they've done and are gaslighting you, which is likely why you're questioning your perception of your childhood.

If they're still gaslighting you, it may be helpful to keep a tangible list of the things they do to you, so you know it's real if you question it later. It's horrible when this is your only way to know what really happened and what you've been conditioned to believe didn't, but it really does help.

Your brain stores memories differently when you're in a traumatic environment--short-term memories, especially those related to your trauma, just don't get transferred to long-term memory, and you completely forget them. I can't remember the vast majority of my childhood until my dad moved out for this reason, including the abusive things he would do--I only know details from what my mother's told me. It's a surreal feeling, and it's very frustrating and confusing. It's really hard to deal with, but it's entirely possible that it's why you're having a hard time remembering things, and I'm so sorry.

I really hope this helps you understand what you're going through, anon. If you need any more help, please feel free to reach out to us, and we'll do our best to help you. None of this is your fault, and you truly deserve better. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Stay safe,

Mod Henrie

[jelly-space]

Here are some of my headcanons for Oliver because I adore him so much. I love how differently he is interpreted and drawn by the fandom, these are just how I tend to imagine him. Forgive the bad writing, I've only written academic essays and like one fanfic one shot when I was 12 so it may come off as awkward to read.

♡ Super self conscious about his looks. Doesnt understand how to take compliments but wont stop someone if they decide to lay on the love. Do it enough and he'll be smitten in no time.

♡ Will go to many lengths to get someone he's fallen for to do the same to him. The harder he falls the more he forgets that people typically dont like being stalked and def arent into murderers.

♡Will get upset if object of affection starts to avoid him. If they keep steering clear of him it wont end well. Will start with denial on his part and end with a mess for his "sweetheart"

♡ Vicious cycle of baking to destress and feel less lonely, not having anyone to give his treats to and then getting stressed about eating too many sweets. Will leave suspicious looking bags of goodies on random countrys doorsteps to avoid it as much as possible. America and Canada have become masters are sneakily discarding said treats when he gives it to them in person.

♡Amazing baker but not such a good cook. His food is edible, and he has a few dishes he excels at but he tends to make everything too sweet or bland. Part of that may have to do with the fact that he can not stand most spices(he's in the cilantro tastes like soap party) and because he will regularly put sugar in his recipes thinking its salt and will not taste to check.

♡ Personal space? What's that? He may be bashful to strangers but the second he gets closer to someone, personal boundries go out the window. He's touched starved so anyone that talks to him more than once should expect a lot of too close for comfort moments.

♡ Tries to be a good listener but gets distracted so easily. On the other hand he can talk for hours.

♡ Doesnt label himself as anything because he's not very up to date on almost anything nowadays, but would be considered pansexual.

♡ Give this man an inch and he'll make a mile. Tell him more than two compliments and hes already planning the first date. Many unsuspecting humans end up being a target for his infatuation, none of them have ended all that well though.

♡ Has had and still has a crush on many different countries, but considering they're a bit more volatile/uninterested, he's a lot less certain and outgoing in his affection. When hes frustrated over not being able to be with someone he'll purposefully go out looking for humans to be with.

♡Is good at hiding his emotions when he wants. Is a master at smiling away his problems, at least until he gets home. Then he will either A: start panicking to himself B: try to distract himself with a hobby C: Call up Allen, Matt or Francois to vent D: go out to "vent" his frustrations on some random human or E: Drink, and let's hope it never gets to that

♡His body is as soft as can be. Oliver is, as he would say, pretty chubby. He has a slightly protruding stomach(not a hard fat stomach but a soft fat type if that makes sense), thick thighs and fat built up in his upper arms. He also has a double chin and chubby cheeks.

♡His hands, on the other hand, are surprisingly thin and nimble. If you were to ask him what part of him is the prettiest he'd likely say either his eyes or his hands.

♡Is very high maintenance with his nails and hands in general. Lots of sweet smelling lotions, nail filling and nail polish is used to keep them looking nice even with all the work they go through with his baking. Usually will go with clear but hes got an arsenal of pastel polishes he'll use when he's feeling cute.

♡Calling him fat is the easiest way to get on his hit list. He'll except being called chubby by those closer to him but it's best not to mention it at all unless you're gonna give him nothing but complements for an hour straight.

♡Freckles, freckles everywhere. This man is covered in them and he's endlessly self conscious about them. He's grown accustom to the ones on his face since they've become quite popular in recent years and hes been getting complements on them from humans he passes by while out. But gets rather shy about the rest of his body and will usually only show his arms because he really is covered in them head to toe. He'll even avoid rolling up his sleeves while baking so he doesnt have people seeing them.

♡Speaking of freckles, there's another reason he tends to leave them alone now. Centuries ago he had used makeup to cover his face, but the ingredients used...weren't so kind to his skin. Luckly his face healed over time but now he gets flashbacks whenever he sees foundation.

♡Is a master manipulator. He may not be good at catching small details because of him getting easily distracted, but he is good at reading people in general. Enjoys messing with people's emotions and steering then into whichever way he wants. It helps that he acts and looks kind and attentive, people think he has good intentions when hes really just twisting how they feel and act to benefit himself.

♡Oliver can be very delusional in many different ways. He wasn't always like this but since he had to deal with a lot of terrible stuff growing up as a country, it's how he copes and rationalizes his life. The delusions can rang from mild to severe. Someone looks at him for a second too long? They must think he looks silly in his outfit. Person runs away when they find out he's stalking them? They're just playing coy. Allen wants to seperate from him and become independent? Francois and Matt, and who knows who else, have brainwashed Allen into hating him will have to fight to bring him back to normal.

♡Like his 1p counter part, Oliver does dabble in magic but to a lesser extent. He focuses more on potions and spells that he can use against others or to spy, but as magic can be unpredictable and unreliable at times(at least for him) it's usually a last ditch effort.

♡Can see magical creatures and has a few that he is close to. He feels a connection with the fae; he thinks they have a lot in common. But he tries to keep them out of his home for that very reason. He was afraid of them stealing away Allen and Matt when he left them home for too long. Now they both have fears of fairy's because of all the scary stories they've heard over the lifetime.

♡Gets pretty stressed when things are too loud and hectic, would probably need to excuse himself at least once during a 1p world meeting if he ever went to one.

♡When it comes to technology he is absolutely clueless and refuses to learn it. The newest stuff in his house is his new oven that took him a solid year to fully understand and small stuff that Allen has bought like his new tv. Allen is usually the first person that Oliver goes to for advice on technology since Matt is not much better than himself.

♡On that note he is a sucker for older technology, his favorite thing besides his kitchen is his gramophone that he'll use to play the massive collection of records he owns. He'll listen to music from any place he can get his hands on but he had a particular love for French music.

[carry-on-snowbazzing]

My 5 best of 2020 (in 2021 😂)

1. A summer day ☀

"Well, Baz! Do you want to move?" Penelope yelled, already in the car (a certain MG dated 1967).

Simon studied his own reflection in the rearview mirror, running a hand through his bronze curly tuft and resulting in even more messiness.

"A minute!" was the answer from a few floors above the apartment.

Penelope rolled her eyes and picked up her Iphone.

Shortly after, hurried footsteps were heard coming down the stairs and Baz, after closing the door, got into the car.

Simon leaned out of the back seat and kissed him on the cheek.

He smiled and, starting the engine, exclaimed:

"Destination: fun!"

  Later there were four of them getting out of the car: Baz with a beach umbrella over his shoulder, Simon struggling with a giant inflatable pink flamingo, Penelope with a cooler bag, and Agatha with another bag, containing beach towels and sunscreen.

"The weather forecasts were right; today’s a perfect day for the sea," Penelope commented as she slipped off her flip-flops and dropped her bag into the sand.

"Edward shines like a fairy!" Simon yelled, putting on a pair of sunglasses and pointing to Baz.

"Stop it, Snow," he laughed, "and give me my glasses back; all this sunshine stuns me."

Trying to ignore them, Agatha took off her cover-up and began to rub off the protection angrily.

"Whoever dives himself last is a pixie!" Simon yelled, throwing his t-shirt and starting to run towards the sea with Penelope at his heels.

Several splashes and laughter later, the two returned wet, smiling and hungry.

Meanwhile, Baz and Agatha had dedicated themselves to crossword puzzles and to the horoscope.

"Agatha, there must be some butter and turkey sandwiches in the cooler," Penelope said as she wrapped herself in her towel.

"I couldn't find anything better for you than beef carpaccio," she said to Baz.

He smiled making 'OK' with both thumbs.

"And for me?" Agatha asked, offended that her friend hadn't thought of her too.

"Fruit salad" she replied. "I know you're on a vegetarian diet."

Agatha blushed feeling a little guilty and muttered something like "Oh, thank you".

Everyone literally devoured their lunch, because, as Simon ruled on his fifth butter sandwich, "The sea makes you hungry."

They gossiped a bit about their old classmates, wondering if Gareth still had his belt buckle as a wand and if Trixie had a fight with his girlfriend.

  They lost track of time after falling asleep in the early afternoon sun.

It was the sound of a notification that woke Agatha, who, after seeing her mother's message ('Where are you? Coven party tonight!'), made a shrill sound that woke the others too.

"Damn, I'm in mega-delay!" she complained, sitting up and hastily gathering his things.

Seeing her so agitated, no one dared contradict her and they hurried too.

Before leaving for the return, all already in the car, Simon took out a Polaroid from the trunk (not an easy feat, given the bulky mass of the flamingo) and urged them:

"Wait! Say 'cheese'!"

Everyone posed, waiting for the flash.

Once the picture was taken, Simon reached for the film that had just come out of the instant camera, but found himself clutching a slice of Emmental in his fingers.

Baz couldn't help himself and laughed uncontrollably.

"Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch!" Simon bursted, but he couldn't bear a grudge and joined in the general laughter.

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2. Shopping (Big & Little) 🥄

"They'll be emptying the mall, those two" Agatha commented, looking at the clock on the kitchen wall and adding another egg to the bowl.

"Probably" replied Penelope, who was handling the curry risotto.

"They've been away for three hours!" Agatha insisted, "and with two credit cards!".

Penelope gave her a look like 'what can we do?' and again consulted the handwritten note attached to the refrigerator with a magnet (shaped like a scone).

"Oh, I forgot the onion!" she moaned after a quick glance, "my mother would kill me if she knew!".

She went back to the stove and for a few minutes they remained silent, one intent on vigorously banging the whips, the other busy slicing the bulb.

Once Agatha had baked the chocolate cake (wiping a non-existent sweat with her glove) and Penelope had remedied her mistake, the girls dropped onto the sofa.

They were just debating which movie to watch that night when they heard the key turn in the lock and Simon exclaim from the entrance:

"We’re at home!"

The two joined them in the living room and Baz asked:

"Curry and chocolate?"

Penelope nodded.

"Sometimes I wish I was a vampire; just smell a dish to understand if the doses are right or wrong," she sighed.

"Shopping?" Agatha asked, looking at the numerous envelopes they both had in their hands and casting a reproachful look at Simon.

"There were the sales" he tried to justify himself, shrugging his shoulders.

"Hurry up; you’ll show us your spoils of war after dinner" Penelope ordered.

  "What do you think?" Simon began, smugly showing a set of jeans for Baz and a giant jar of sour cherries scones.

Penelope seemed to try not to roll her eyes.

"I stayed on the intellectual side" Baz said, pulling a stack of books and a pack of pastel highlighters out of a bag.

"I need them for the college" he explained to Agatha, who was trying to get hold of the markers.

"And you haven't seen the piece of resistence!" Simon shrieked, grabbing a smiling Baz by the wrist and dragging him into the nearest room.

They came out moments later walking backwards (in what was supposed to be an imitation of Michael Jackson's moonwalk), so they could only see their backs.

"3, 2, 1 ..." Baz counted.

"Ta daaaan!" Simon exclaimed as they turned at the same time.

They wore matching gray sweatshirts; both had a black molded spoon.

'Big' was written on Baz's, while Simon's 'Little'.

"Awww" the girls screamed in unison, in the grip of a fangirl attack (which managed to make Agatha look adoring too).

"We have a pair for you too" Baz said, handing Penelope a black t-shirt with 'Brownie' on it, while Simon gave Agatha a white one with 'Blondie' on it.

"Thanks, guys" Penelope murmured moved and Agatha initiated a group hug.

photos references

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3. Anniversary 💞

here

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4. Ops! 🧴

 Simon knocked for the tenth time on the bathroom door:

"Occupied!" Baz yelled for the tenth time.

"And sorry, but I can't hold it anymore anymore ..."

Simon abruptly released the handle, abandoning his irritated tone.

He let out a cry, muffled by the hands that he immediately brought to his mouth.

Baz was shirtless in front of the mirror, glaring at his own reflection.

Everything was perfectly normal, except for his hair: it had turned from raven to red.

Fawn red.

"If you tell anyone about this, Snow, I will end you" he growled menacingly.

Simon stood there, speechless. When he had regained the use of his mouth, he barely stifled a laugh and intoned:

“Weasley is our king

he always lets the Quaffle in ... "

From Baz's look, he knew it would be wiser to stop, so he did it.

He approached cautiously and asked gently:

"What happened to you?".

"I wish I knew; I was taking a normal shampoo shower" sighed Baz.

Meanwhile Simon had reached the sink and was looking closely at the bottle of the citron and bergamot scented blend.

"It doesn't seem to have anything strange" he then ruled, placing it back on the shelf.

"Indeed; I went to get it from my home in Hampshire; Daphne can only find it in our town's herbalist's shop," Baz replied sadly.

"I really can't explain it" he went on, unable to get over it.

"My sister gave it to me ..." he stopped suddenly.

He clapped her forehead and turned on the lock screen of his smartphone.

"Today is April 1st," he murmured.

He took the vial in one hand and, with the ivory wand in the other, exclaimed:

"Show me your secrets!".

The writing on the label changed from 'Shampoo with citrus notes' to 'Permanent color intense red'.

"MORDELIAAAAA!" he screamed as Simon rolled with laughter.

"April Fool!" he managed to exclaim between a laugh and another.

That’s totally inspired by a fanart of @vkelleyart​ 💖 :  that 

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5. Trick or treat? 👻

 "Well, Baz! If you don't move, we'll only have the sub-brand candy left!" Simon railed.

With all the peace of mind he could, Baz went down the stairs and joined his screaming boyfriend, who was immediately silent at his sight.

"Morgana, Basilton; you really mean it" Penelope commented, watching him as she lit another candle to put in the Jack o 'lanterns carved by Simon and Baz (which occupied all the flat surfaces of the apartment).

"I've been doing some accurate researches over the last week" he began, making a theatrical gesture in his vampire cloak.

"You even have the same jacket as Gary Oldman" she observed excitedly.

He, in response, gave her a perfidious look, baring his fangs.

Simon was still in his silence and couldn't take his eyes off him.

"What's up Snow, the cat got your tongue?" Baz asked, amused.

He answered with a tongue sticking out and approached him with a raised eyebrow (in perfect Baz style).

"Wow" he commented after kissing him on the cheek.

"Enjoy yourselves!" Penelope exclaimed as they came out hand in hand.

  "Where do we go now?" Baz asked.

Simon moved with great ease between one bell and another, meticulously illustrating the specialties offered by each house.

His phrases were: "Here you can always find top quality stuff", or "No, better to avoid an indigestion".

After scouring all the houses on the first five blocks, Simon had an epiphany.

"For a thousand snakes! Baz, we absolutely have to go to the 'Spooky night' party!" he screamed, making him jump.

"Crowley, Snow! Calm down!" he retorted irritably, adjusting the cuffs of his shirt.

"You don't understand," Simon insisted.

"Our loot is loser when compared to everything you can find there; Strawberry Blood Drip, Every Flavour Beans, Pumpkin PIE, Butterbeer and, hold on ... Oreo with Orange Cream!"

Baz, seeing him so excited ('like a child', he thought), couldn’t say no to him (although he wanted to go home more than anything else; his feet protested against Count Dracula's boots).

"And where would it be?" he asked, trying not to smile.

"A couple of blocks from here; hurry up!" Simon urged him, taking him by the hand and starting to run.

  "A delusion!" Simon snapped, leaving the bag full of sweets on the doormat.

"What happened?" Penelope asked Baz, who had just closed the door behind him and limped desperately as he headed for the sofa.

"In short at that damn party they had finished everything and told us our costumes sucked" he explained.

Simon was with his arms folded, all sulking, sitting in the armchair.

"Look at their costumes! And let me have something to eat, rather!" he barked.

Penelope approached him and, looking at him tenderly, reassured him:

"We always have our repertoire of horror films."

Simon shrugged, hitting the nearby lamp.

"And I was prepared for any eventuality," she went on, snapping her fingers and popping up a pack of Oreos with orange cream.

Simon's face cleared, illuminated by a huge grin.

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Ty @letraspal​ for tagging me 💕

That’s all; hope u like it!  💜

Happy new Year! ✨