#here please listen to nebraska

[shellshocklove]

does anyone know where the love of god goes? | joel miller

pairing/AU: joel miller x female!reader – post breakout & no ellie AU

summary: crossing the country alone as he searches for his brother, joel stumbles on a farm. winter is closing in, and against his better judgement he's convinced to stay. as the frost covers the land like a blanket, a warmth ignites in his heart for the young woman who's home he finds himself in.

warnings: this is an 18+ fic so minors dni!!! canon-typical violence, age gap (reader is mid to late twenties), swearing, dead animals, joel being a sad man, masturbation, no use of y/n

a/n: i soft launched this ao3 last month and it flopped lol so i'm gonna keep my expectations low for this series. anyways this has been a story i've been thinking about since probably october. this is the first part of what i'm hoping will be 3 parts. happy reading i guess

main masterlist / series masterlist / ao3 / playlist

from the river to the sea, palestine will be free 🇵🇸 this account stands with palestine. the creator of tlou is a zionist, and the second game is largly based on israel/palestine. please, everyone who interacts, educate yourself about the genocide happening right now, and support/donate.

The leaves rustled against Joel’s boots with every step he took. The sun had turned traitor cold, and he couldn’t feel its kiss against his cheek no more. The trees shivered above him in the wind – the only sound for miles except his heavy steps.

Did he still exist, with no one around? Joel had never minded being alone; after the breakout he’d found that he sometimes preferred it. People could be… well, when you’ve seen the worst of humanity, maybe it’s best to leave it behind.

And wasn’t he the worst of humanity? The things he’d done. The people he’d killed, and killed for. The people he’d lost.

But he had to keep going. For Tess. He promised.

Every night as he stared into the flames his thoughts would drift to her – the memories flickering in the fire. They should’ve never gone through that museum – it was supposed to have been empty – they should’ve never left Boston in the first place. Now Tess is gone because of him, him and his stupid plan to find his brother.

And for what? How is he ever gonna find Tommy?

Joel didn’t even know where he was. Nebraska? South-Dakota? Maybe he’d made it to Wyoming and just didn’t know it? Abe had told him ‘Cody Tower’, but Joel hadn’t seen anything other than mother nature for weeks.

Everything had started to look the same. Trees and more trees, a mountain in the distance, a grey and heavy sky above him. He’d been walking for forever. Slowly he moved west– or at least he thought he was. On the days where the sun hung high in the sky and wasn’t shielded behind a cloudy partition, he liked to watch it as it dipped below the earth. As the days turned shorter and shorter, the display of color had started to get more vivid. Joel would watch the light blue turn red and bloody, fiery tongues of flames licking over the horizon while the sharp edges of the mountains, and the triangular shapes of the trees faded into an intense black– like the shape of the mountain and the trees had been cut out with scissors. There wasn’t much to stay alive for anymore– but Joel lived for those few moments where nature painted with fire. Humanity might’ve gone to shit, but the cyclical regularity of mother nature gave Joel a small sense of peace.

But he missed the kiss of the sun against his cheek now. He’d moved into a large forest a few days ago. Tall trees hovered over him like giants and cast shadows down at him. It was colder here than out in the open country, but at least he’d been somewhat shaded from the rain pouring from the grey cover above his head the last few days.

Thwack. Thwack. Thwack.

The sound stopped Joel in his tracks. Muscle memory worked on its own, gripping the shotgun slung over his shoulder. He listened for the sound again, to the steady rhythm echoing through the forest.

Thwack. Thwack. Thwack.

With slow calculated steps Joel walked in the direction of the sound with the shotgun held tightly to his chest, his finger hovered over the trigger. The chopping sound got louder as he closed in on a man. He couldn’t tell his age with the man’s back turned – but he was strong – Joel could tell from how hard the man’s axe hit the tree trunk.

Taking another silent step, Joel got in position, “How ‘bout you slowly turn around and place that axe on the ground.”

Joel’s voice was hoarse after no use, but still cold and calculated as he spoke his order. He could see he’d startled the man, probably thinking he was alone, just like Joel had thought mere minutes ago.

The man obeyed, turning around slowly. He was older than Joel, maybe mid-seventies, maybe older if the wrinkles and creases around his eyes and nose were to be believed. His hair was white as snow matching his unkempt beard. Joel caught his eye. Strong and steady, no trace of fear one would think a man would feel while having a gun pointed at them.

Joel’s grip around the gun tightened. He wasn’t afraid to pull the trigger if that’s where this was headed. The man watched him calmly before he bent his knees, throwing the axe haphazardly on the ground.

“Kick it over here,” Joel commanded again, and the man obeyed, kicking the axe clumsily towards Joel.

Slowly Joel crept closer, gun still pointed at the man. He locked the heel of his shoe against the shaft, dragging the axe behind him and out of the way.

“Hands where I can see ‘em.”

“Are you going to kill me, son?”

The man’s question puzzled Joel. He said it so calmly, like how you’d ask someone to pass the salt.

“That depends on you.” Joel’s answer pulled at the old man’s lips, a small huff of a laugh escaping them.

“Well, you’re the one with the gun. I think it depends on you.”

Joel tightened his grip on the shotgun again – he didn’t know why –to frighten the man? He didn’t seem very frightened.

“Are you alone?” Joel asked.

“Not anymore,” the man answered.

“Don’t be a smartass,” Joel gritted through his teeth, “who you travelin’ with?”

“No one,” the man’s eyes never left Joel, “I live at a farm about a mile away.”

“Take me to it.”

The man walked with a limp Joel noticed. It was barely there, you wouldn’t see it if you didn’t pay attention, but it was there. The man acted tough enough, but his body revealed his weaknesses. It would be easy to kill him, Joel thought, if it came to that.

He followed the man through the trees with his gun pointed at his back. When they reached the end of the forest a clearing revealed itself. They followed a path through a field of, tall but wilted, brown grass until they reached an overgrown gravel road with a fence running along it. Looking out in the distance, Joel could see small spots of white and black wool. The gravel moaned under their feet as they closed in on a small farm. A two-story house sat in the middle of the barnyard where it was surrounded by a barn who’d seen better days, a silo, and a smaller farmhouse – a stable – Joel noticed as they walked closer.

The man trudged up the front stairs of the main farmhouse, a hand on the handrail keeping him steady.

“Put that gun away would you, son? I don’t want you frightening my wife.” The man broke the silence between them, speaking for the first time since they left the woods.

Joel’s grip on his shotgun didn’t loosen. How could he be sure that this man’s ‘wife’ wasn’t some gang of raiders hiding behind the front door? A question he asked the man through gritted teeth when he turned around to look at Joel.

“There’s nothing of the sort around here,” the man said, “we don’t even see any infected.”

When Joel didn’t say anything, and didn’t lower the gun, the man spoke again, “Who are you?”

“Just someone passin’ through,” Joel answered, making the man chuckle.

“You’re something else, passer-througher,” the old man smiled before he turned around again and stepped inside, leaving Joel on the porch alone.

Abandoned outside he lowered his gun slightly. Inside he could hear muffled voices, a deeper one, definitely the old man, and a brighter one, a woman’s voice. He listened, trying to make out their words with no prevail. The man seemed to have spoken the truth up until now. He most definitely lived on this farm – a seemingly normal farm. This man was just someone making an honest living – even after the apocalypse.

Lowering the gun completely, Joel put the safety on before he slung it over his shoulder. Taking a hollowed step towards the front door, movement in the window to the right of him caught his eye. It was there and then it was gone – just a ruffle of blonde curtains. Then, the door opened revealing an elderly woman.

The man’s wife.

“Welcome, traveler,” she greeted, stepping aside to let Joel in.

He passed through the doorway with a “Thank you, ma’am,” never forgetting his manners even after pointing a gun at her husband.

Inside it looked like a picture taken straight out of a Homes & Gardens magazine. The house was cozy, but it was small. He’d been welcomed into what probably used to be a parlor, but now served its purpose as their living room. It was hard to get a read on the house. Not like those open-floor plan houses he’d built too many of back before the outbreak – this was old, maybe hundreds of years old. The floorboard creaked under his shoes as he walked deeper into the living room, the rest of the house locked away like a secret behind three closed doors. The man was seated in a lounge chair by the fireplace, watching Joel with an expression Joel found it hard to decipher.

“Would you like some tea?” the woman asked, “It’s peppermint from our garden.”

Joel turned his head to the woman. She must be around the same age as the old man, Joel thought. He cleared his throat before he answered with a nod, “Thank you, ma’am.”

She pointed to the sofa, urging him to sit down with a smile before she disappeared through one of the doors to what Joel thought must be the kitchen. He felt the old man watching him as he slid his backpack off his shoulders, placing it on the creaky wooden floor behind the sofa. Joel hesitated for just a second when placing the shotgun up against the back, but decided he wasn’t in any imminent danger.

Joel almost groaned as he sat down. He’d been walking for so long, slept on the hard ground for months, he’d almost forgotten what a comfortable chair was. It almost felt surreal, being invited in for tea, like the outbreak had never happened. Here, it was like the time had stood still.

“So,” the man started, “where are you heading to if you’re just ‘passin’ through’?”

Joel cleared his throat again, “I’m lookin’ for my brother,” he answered truthfully, “last I heard he was somewhere in Wyoming.”

“If you’re going to Wyoming, then what you’re doing all the way up here?” The man queried with a chuckle.

Annoyed, Joel grinded his teeth, “Not many signs in the fuckin’ woods are there?” He huffed.

“I guess not,” the man shrugged, “but you’ve made a heck of a detour… where did you come from? Texas? You sound it.”

“Boston.”

“Boston?” the man didn’t hide his surprise, breathing out chuckles in disbelief, “I’ll give it to you, that’s one long trip.”

Joel only huffed in agreement, turning his head from the man to the window overlooking the barnyard.

“Well,” the man broke the growing silence between the two men, “you’re more than welcome to stay for dinner and for the night– you look like you could need a hot meal and a warm bed.”

Joel’s instinct was to say no, but before he could the front door opened, revealing a young woman. You.

You stopped dead in your tracks as you laid your eyes on Joel, “Oh!”.

The door slammed behind you. Under your arm you were carrying a metal bucket filled with apples. You were beautiful, young, but still beautiful – Joel couldn’t deny it.

“This is…” The man paused.

“Joel.” He cleared his throat, introducing himself, “Joel Miller.”

“Mr. Miller is just passing through– he’s looking for his brother,” the old man explained to you.

You nodded at the information, sat the bucket down before you reached out a hand for Joel to take, introducing yourself. Your hand in his was warm and soft while his own dwarfed yours, rough and calloused. He couldn’t help but think about what his hands had done, the people they’d killed. He shouldn’t be tainting yours, painting them red. Joel quickly drew his hand back, balling it into a fist at his side.

Joel looked over at the old man, “Your daughter?” he asked with a tilt of his head in your direction.

“Oh, no,” the man answered with a playful smile, “You’re not the first person ‘passin’ through’ who’s shown up on our doorstep.”

The door to the kitchen opened to reveal the old woman with a teapot in her hand, and a stacked tower of teacups in the other.

“Let me help you Alma,” you said, taking the teacups from the old woman’s hand before placing them on the table; one in front of Joel, a second in front of the old man, “Here you go Arthur,” and a third next to Joel.

“Did you also want some tea, sweetie?” Alma asked you as she placed the steaming teapot on the table.

“Yes, please, but I can grab a cup myself– sit down,” you smiled and padded the old woman’s shoulder, then you grabbed the bucket of apples and disappeared into the kitchen.

Alma started pouring the tea as a silence fell over the room. A small, “Thank you, ma’am,” left Joel’s lips as she moved on to pouring tea for her husband.

“So,” the man started before taking a sip of his tea, “what do you say Mr. Miller? You staying for the night?”

That night as he laid in a real bed for the first time in months, Joel had trouble falling asleep. He wasn’t used to this. Hadn’t been used to it for a while. His belly full, soft fabric against his skin, feeling warm, and clean. The old couple had offered him one of the two bedrooms on the first floor, the two mystery doors in the living room now revealed. Laying in his new bed he tried not to think about who he was sharing a wall with.

You.

You were something else, helpful and kind. Everything Joel hadn’t seen since the outbreak. At the dinner table you’d asked him questions and listened intently – even when his answers were short and brisk. There was a glimmer in your eye, and it touched something inside him he hadn’t felt in a long time. But you were young, mid to late twenties he reckoned, maybe a little older– anyways, he shouldn’t be harboring anything for you, it wouldn’t be right. Especially now, now that he’d agreed to stay.

After the dinner plates had been cleared, Arthur had folded a big map out on the table. “Here are we now,” he’d pointed a finger at the map. Montana. Southern Montana to be precise. “I’ll give it to you Mr. Miller, if you’ve made it this far on your own you probably won’t have any trouble making your way down south to Wyoming.”

“But?” Joel watched the grimace pulling at the old man’s face.

“But,” Arthur had said, “Winter is just around the corner and… well, going back out there in the wilderness alone during our winters is a dead trap, I’ll tell you that much.”

Joel had let the man go on about the far below freezing temperatures, the heavy snow, and the tough wind, but Joel wasn’t stupid. He knew the winters up here were harsh. It wasn’t even winter yet, but every day he’d felt the temperature drop lower and lower, and the last few of nights he’d even had to get a fire going, against his better judgement.

So– the deal was: Joel would stay over the winter. Just for the winter, he’d been adamant on not staying longer. He’d get a place to stay, a warm bed to sleep in, and food in his belly on one condition – he’d help out on the farm.

The fire crackled loudly, red tongues licking up the chimney as Joel fed it another log. He watched as the fire caught in the new log, devouring it quickly and with no mercy. It was really starting to heat up now. A small flicker of pride sparked in Joel chest. He’d always been good at building a fire. It was one of those things, Joel had come to learn, where you needed to pay attention, to have patience.

When he was younger, he’d take Tommy out camping sometimes, just the two of them. Mostly they’d go during the summer; Tommy wasn’t a fan of sleeping outside in the cold, though cold had meant something different back then in Texas. But Joel remembered one time he’d managed to convince him to go with him. It was right after he’d gotten his driver’s license, and his parents had given him a beat-up truck for his birthday – for sharing – they’d told him, “You need to give your little brother a ride when he needs it!” Joel wasn’t exactly thrilled about his future as Tommy’s private driver, but it didn’t mean he didn’t love his brother.

A few weeks into October he’d managed to convince Tommy to go camping. They’d packed the truck with their tents, sleeping bags, and fishing equipment, before they’d gotten on the road, driving to a lake where they knew there were fish to catch. Finding a place to camp was always difficult with Tommy. They’d parked Joel’s truck at the edge of the forest before they’d followed a hiking trail. Joel was convinced they’d walked at least three quarters of the way around the lake before they found a spot good enough for Tommy.

It had to be flat, but also shielded. There couldn’t be too many rocks, but there also had to be enough rocks to build a hearth. Tommy wanted it to be private, but he also wanted it to be open enough that he could see if someone would stumble upon their camp. Joel knew not to argue with him when he got like that, opting instead for a defeated, “Whatever.”

Setting up camp went relatively easy. They’d worked together building the tents, collecting rocks for their fireplace, and even managed to find a fallen tree to use as a bench. When the night slowly started to cover them in darkness, Tommy decided to get the fire going. Joel watched him work the logs into a pile as he started on filleting the fish they’d just caught.

“You’re doin’ it wrong,” he’d told his brother, “You’re suffocatin’ it.” He’d washed his hands in the lake, ridding himself of the slimy smell of fish, before crouching down next to Tommy.

The fire was one big bowl of smoke, and Joel caught himself wondering what messages Tommy must’ve been sending to the heavens. He removed some of the heavier logs, and the fire could breathe.

“See?” he’d looked at Tommy, “It just needed air.” Joel had shifted the smaller pieces of wood around and not long after the fire was alive.

That Joel, that green boy who liked to take his little brother camping, that Joel didn’t know how much those skills would come in handy in a few years when the world would get turned upside down.

“Do you have any mittens, Joel?”

Your question pulled Joel from his memories. He turned his head slightly, meeting your gaze from where you were huddled up in the corner of the couch. You looked cozy, but he knew you weren’t. The house was cold this morning, outside a thin layer of frost had stuck to the grass during the night. It was early too, the sun not having climbed high enough yet to peek over the mountains. You looked tired where you sat, clad in a wool sweater with a blanket pulled over your knees. Under the blanket Joel remembered you were still wearing your pajama pants, and in your hand you held a steaming cup of tea, peppermint, Joel knew, his own cup abandoned on the coffee table.

“What?” Joel answered, eyebrows furrowed.

“Do you have any mittens, Joel?” you repeated softly, like the way people tended to speak in the mornings, like they were afraid they’d wake up the world.

His calves were starting to burn from the strain of being crouched in front of the fireplace for a moment too long, and he tried his best to hide his groan, biting his teeth together as he stood to his feet, knees cracking loudly.

“Um, no,” he said, confused about your question.

“I’ll knit you a pair then,” you smiled before putting your cup down next to his.

“That’s… that ain’t necessary,” Joel hurried, but you waved him off.

“Sure it is,” you smiled again, much to Joel’s annoyance. He didn’t deserve your kindness, but you gave it away like it cost nothing. “If you’re gonna be helping Arthur out in the woods this winter, you need some mittens.”

Joel watched as you got up from your home on the couch and vanished into your bedroom. A moment later you appeared in the doorway with a basket under your arm.

“Also…” you gave him another smile as you sat back down again, placing the basket in your lap. It was close to overflowing with yarn, balls of black and white in varying sizes peeking over the top, the homespun ends fraying against the rough edges of the basket. “I’ll have something to do during the evenings,” you winked before you rummaged through the basket and fished out a measuring tape.

Joel shifted his weight from one foot to the other as he watched you. Mittens? Joel can’t remember if he’s ever owned a pair of mittens. Gloves, sure, but mittens?

You patted the cushion next to you, urging him to sit down, kind smile hanging off your lips like always. Sitting down, he folded his hands in his lap, suddenly very aware of how close you were sitting. It wasn’t like he hadn’t sat next to you before; he’d been here a few weeks now, and he was starting to know you, but for some reason, this felt different. Maybe it was the early morning, the quiet house, or the fact that Alma and Arthur were still sleeping upstairs, but it felt like it was just the two of you, alone, and Joel didn’t know how to feel about it.

You shifted towards him, the blanket slipping slightly off the couch with your movement, in your hands you held the measuring tape while you looked at him expectantly.

When Joel didn’t move, a smile quirked at the corner of your mouth before you grabbed one of his hands resting in his lap. You uncurled his fingers slowly, one by one, making Joel hold his breath.

“I need to see how big I need to make them,” you whispered, holding his hand very gently.

Joel’s heart hammered in his chest. Your hand was warm and soft, like the last time he’d touched you as you’d introduced yourself to him. Joel didn’t dare look at your face, or he’d say something stupid, so he didn’t. He looked at your joined hands, his brain trying to remember the last time someone had held his hand as gently as you did, your thumb running over the back of it soothingly.

He can’t remember. His hands are always empty.

With your other hand, a finger curled around the measuring tape, you slipped it around his wrist before leaning closer to look at the numbers.

“Is this too tight you think, or do you want them to be looser?” You asked through your lashes, eyes sparkling in the low morning light.

Joel cleared his throat, “No, that’s fine.”

“Okay,” you nodded, slipping the measuring tape from his wrist to write down the measurement. He hadn’t noticed your notebook until now. It was a little rough around the edges from use, the spined cracked and the paper a little yellow. Placing the pen in the seam, you grabbed the measuring tape again.

Loosening your grip on his hand you placed it over the thick of your thigh. Joel drew a quick breath, his heartbeat hammering in his ears, under his hand he could feel the warmth of you through the soft flannel.

You continued taking your measurements. You didn’t say anything, so neither did Joel, but you looked up at him through your lashes sometimes, and Joel thought that maybe the most useful thing one can do with empty hands, is hold on.

The creak of the stair made Joel jump, and like he’d been burned his hand retracted on reflex, as Arthur’s heavy steps got closer.

“Morning,” Arthur greeted as he ducked his head through the door to the living room.

“Mornin’,” Joel mumbled, head lowered as he gathered his hands in his lap.

“Good morning!” you smiled, always with that kind smile, “Did you sleep well, Arthur?” you got up from your seat before grabbing your teacup to follow Arthur into the kitchen, leaving the yarn and Joel.

Taking a deep breath, Joel pinched the top of his nose. He needed to get it together. You were just being your regular kind self; your soft touch was nothing more than that. Standing to his feet, Joel grabbed his own cup, trudging into the kitchen.

In the kitchen Arthur sat in his usual spot at the dining table, the chair closest to the window. “I need to get on with this barn soon,” Joel heard him say as he sat down opposite him. “It’s gonna fall apart come spring if we get as much snow as we did last year.”

Joel tried his best not to look at you as he heard you hum. You were stood at the kitchen counter slicing the bread Alma had baked yesterday, readying breakfast. Instead, Joel opted to gaze down into his teacup, where the peppermint leaves had all gathered at the bottom.

“Um,” Joel cleared his throat, “what needs fixin’?”

“What doesn’t need fixing in that barn?” Arthur sighed, peeling his eyes from out the window to Joel.

“I can uh,” Joel eyes shifted quickly to you before he cleared his throat again, “I can take a look at it, if ya want?”

Arthur’s eyebrows met in a furrow as he looked at Joel.

“I used to be a contractor,” Joel explained with a shrug, before taking a last cold sip of his tea.

“So, you know a thing or two about buildings I reckon?” Arthur asked.

“Yeah, well I used to,” Joel leaned back in his chair.

“Well, that would be very helpful Joel– I’d appreciated it!” Arthur smiled before leaning back in his chair making room for you as you started setting the table. Joel gave him a short nod in return, trying to fight the urge to look at you as you placed the food on the table.

Arthur had downplayed the state of the barn – it was a mess – it was dangerous, and had Joel told him as much. But it was nothing Joel couldn’t fix, as long as he had the right supplies, fortunately for him the forest would provide them with what they needed.

Thwack. Thwack. Thwack.

The axe dug a deep wound into the bark with every swing. Joel’s breath was heavy, and his arms ached, but it was a welcomed form of tiredness. A month into it, he was starting to get used to the work. There was something so satisfying about manual labor, of using his hands, of making something – he’d almost forgotten.

The routine of the work felt good. Waking up at dawn, then breakfast, he could use his body for something useful for the first time in twenty years and end the day with a warm meal for supper. This new temporary life was simple, but it was strangely normal.

Originally, Joel was only helping Arthur out in the woods for firewood through the winter– but now with the barn, they’d changed course. The last few days they’d started to become more selective with the trees; looking for the tallest and straightest ones that would fall safely.

A frozen sky hovered over the men as they worked. This morning when Joel had woken up, the thinnest layer of snow had fallen like powdered sugar during the night, turning the world bright with winter. Earlier in the week the frost had perched on the farm, and Joel had known winter was closing in. He’d lost count of the days and months passing while on his own, but Arthur had told him it was late October.

“It will start snowing properly soon,” Arthur said, breaking the silence between them.

Joel hummed before taking a bite of his packed lunch. They’d worked all morning – Joel felling the trees and Arthur cleaning them up and removing the branches. Now they were sat on a fresh tree stump each, their first break of the day.

“I have an old logging sled in the barn– used to be my father’s,” Arthur explained, “I think we should leave the trees here until the snow gets deep enough for the sled and have the horses pull them back to the farm.”

“Fine by me,” Joel took another bite of his lunch.

“The logs will have to dry out over the winter,” Arthur mused, “Then come spring we can start the repairs on the barn.”

Spring. If everything goes according to plan, Joel won’t be here come spring. He needed to find Tommy– he couldn’t, and he wasn’t gonna stay on the farm for any longer than necessary. He’d already decided– when the snow finally started to melt, Joel was gone.

Joel hummed, a non-committed answer. It was easier that way, to not get Arthur’s hopes up. He liked Arthur, he was a good man, a hard worker even in his old age, and silent when Joel wanted him to be. Joel liked Alma too, but her age shined through more easily than Arthur’s. Joel couldn’t help but notice her repeating herself more often and forgetting where she put things. It made life harder for you, Joel could see it. Your responsibilities were already a lot to handle as you took care of the animals mostly by yourself, but as Joel had discovered Alma starting to struggle with the housework, he’d noticed you starting to help her more often. In Joel’s mind it was unfair to you, but it wasn’t like he could blame Alma for growing older, in this world it was a feat.

Still, he’d try his best to help you when he could, like doing the dishes after dinner as you dried them off and put them away. The first few times you were both quiet, it was strangely intimate, only the sound of splashing water filling the space between you. One night he'd gotten brave, breaking the comfortable silence and asked you ‘What you thinkin’ about, sweetheart?’ You’d looked at him with big eyes, searching his own for something, but before he could figure out what it was, you’d answered him with a shrug. It was unlike you, unlike you to be this silent, but Joel didn’t push. The next night the silence persisted, and he’d thought adding ‘Sweetheart’ had been too much, but then the next night you’d sighed quietly and whispered, “I’m worried about Alma.”

Looking down at the mittens in his lap, the guilt gnawed at him. The look of worry in your eyes, Arthur’s hopeful wishes, and Alma’s aging. Joel couldn’t have anything tying him to this place. He was supposed to find his brother.

Suddenly, a black and orange butterfly landed on Joel’s knee. Joel stopped breathing, body going rigid as he tried not to move. How the hell was this butterfly still alive? It sat quiet on his knee, wings slowly retracting and widening behind it. Memories pushed its way to the forefront of Joel’s mind then.

Sarah. Another year had gone by, and the thought made his chest tighten.

“That’s quite a sight at this time of year,” he heard Arthur say, “Beautiful, aren’t they?”

“Y-yeah,” Joel stammered out an answer, afraid his voice would scare it away.

The longer Joel watched the butterfly he found his guilt started to slowly melt away. It’s okay, dad. It was like the rustling of the trees carried her voice with them. You’re on the right path.

“I can do that f’you want, sweetheart.”

Joel’s boots creaked under him as he walked across the barnyard. You looked up at the sound of his voice, smile blossoming across your face as you tightened your grip on the shovel.

“It’s alright,” you said with a grunt as you picked up more snow, adding it to the growing pile, “Good for me to get some physical work in.”

Joel nodded as you straightened up, hand going to your hip while the other leaned on the shovel, your heavy breath curled in small plumes out of your mouth. You took him in for a second, eyes flickering over his form before they fell on the rabbits hanging over Joel’s shoulder.

“Where’d you get those?” you asked, and Joel shrugged.

“Shot ‘em,” he said simply, “they walked right by me as I was choppin’– seemed too good to pass up.”

“Not for the rabbits,” you muttered, and Joel had to fight the urge to smile.

“You a vegetarian or somethin’?” he asked with a single raised eyebrow, and you waved him off.

“No,” you said pointedly, but a teasing lilt lingered, “Just stating a fact... we don’t eat a lot of rabbit around here, is all.”

Joel nodded slightly; it made sense. He knew there was a gun in the house, but it was a revolver– too small to do any real hunting, and Joel didn’t even know if there were bullets for it. So, Joel didn't ask further. Lucky for him, you did.

“So, you just shot those?” you asked, a frown pulling at your eyebrows, “Aren’t they fast?”

Joel made a nonchalant sort of face. “Ain’t that hard when you can aim straight.”

“Well, how do you aim straight?”

“You learn to shoot.”

You let out a small laugh, one that pulled at Joel’s lips. “And how did you go about learning that?”

Joel felt his smile drop, the leather strap of his shotgun weighing heavy on his shoulder, “Practice.”

You didn’t seem to notice the change in his demeanor as you dug the shovel into the snow, so it stood by itself like a watchman. “Can you teach me?” you asked, the snow creaking under your shoes as you took a few steps closer.

His lips pulled at the corner, “No.”

Your eyes widened with disappointment, eyebrows pulling together in a frown as you asked, “Why?”

“Nothin’ good ever comes from it,” Joel shrugged.

“Okay,” you huffed a laugh, “that’s sinister.” Then you narrowed your eyes at him, gearing up for an argument no doubt with the way you rested your hand on your hip. “What if I also wanted to go hunting?” you posed, and Joel shook his head.

“That ain’t happenin’, sweetheart.”

“Okay, but now you’ve brought us rabbits– and what if I end up really liking rabbit?” you bit down on your bottom lip, unconsciously showing off you own rabbit teeth.

Cute.

“Then I’ll shoot as many rabbits as you want,” Joel countered with a teasing smile before tightening his hold on the rope slung over his other shoulder (the one he’d tied the rabbits to), and walked towards the kitchen door at the back of the farmhouse.

He heard you huff in defeat behind him, your creaky steps following him up the stairs and inside. Walking into the kitchen Joel placed the rabbits on the table before he pulled at his mittens, stripped off his jacket, and hung it neatly over the back of one of the dining chairs. Grabbing one of the rabbits he brought it to the kitchen counter to start dressing it, fighting the urge to turn his head as he heard you enter the room.

“Come on, Joel,” you whined, “Why won’t you teach me?”

“Told you already,” Joel replied, “Nothin’ good comes from learnin’ to shoot things.”

Shifting the rabbit around on the counter he reached for the butcher knife in the knife block.

“You know, that’s a really stupid way of saying you don’t want to spend the time,” you told him, your voice closer now as you leaned against the kitchen counter.  

“When exactly did ya hear me sayin’ I don't wanna spend time with you?” Joel asked, his eyebrows pulled together in a frown.

“You won’t teach me to shoot,” you teased, and Joel could hear the smile in your voice.

Joel huffed out a laugh, “Damn right I won’t.”  

He heard you let out a whiney huff, before you turned on your heel, muttering out a curse under your breath when you accidently bumped your hip into the counter and Joel couldn’t help the smile teasing at his lips. You sat down with an overdramatic sigh, and Joel still didn’t look at you – he knew he’d cave eventually if he did, say yes against his better judgement – so he kept his eyes on the knife in his hand.

“How’s Arthur?” Joel asked as he worked.

“I don’t know,” you sighed, “The same I think– Alma was up there looking after him last time I checked.”

This time Joel allowed himself to look at you. You sat sideways on the wooden chair, legs crossed and tucked under your chair with your head hanging, eyes glued to your lap. Gone were the teasing, and gone were the smiles.

“He’ll be fine,” Joel said, his eyes back on the rabbit, “it’s just a cold.”

“Yeah… but he’s been getting sick a lot more often,” your voice was low, like you didn’t want them to hear you upstairs, “you can’t help but think the worst you know?”

Joel put the knife down and moved over to the sink. He quickly washed his hands before grabbing a towel to dry off, twisting it in his hands as he approached you. Placing the towel on the counter, he hesitated for a moment as he watched you, watched the way you twisted your hands in your lap with no sense of purpose or intent. It was like the worry dripped down your body. Pushing off the counter Joel knelt in front of you, a grunt escaped him as his knees clicked loudly, his balance slightly off on his haunches.

“Shit,” Joel huffed out a laugh, and you followed. Your palms landed on his knees to keep him steady, warmth spreading like jolting electricity.

“Sweetheart, I’ll tell you what–” he stopped himself when you looked at him through your lashes, trying to ignore the way your eyes focused on his mouth as he spoke. “’s just a cold, he’ll be up ‘n walkin’ tomorrow– man’s got gumption.”

“Yeah?” your eyes flickered upwards, meeting his.

Suddenly, under your gaze Joel felt brave. His hand moved on its own accord, cupping your cheek in his hand. He let his thumb ghost over your skin, still cold under his fingertips from being outside, but warming under his touch.

“Yeah, sweetheart.”

You didn’t say anything for a moment, you only watched him with glimmering eyes, like you were under a spell. Maybe he was too.

“Still,” you sighed, “Would be better if I could pick up more of the slack around here... Arthur does a lot, and I wish I could do more to support them.”

“Like what? You take care of the animals all by yourself– that’s more than enough.”

“Well, I could learn to shoot rabbits,” you told him, before the corners of your mouth pulled into a pleased smirk as he rolled his eyes at you.

Reluctantly, he pulled his hand away, making a move to stand when you grabbed his wrist, stopping him.

“I’m kidding, Joel,” you smiled, before a more serious look washed over your features. “I mean it’s… It’s gonna be empty here without you,” you said, “I’m starting to really like having you here, Joel.”

Joel turned his hand to rest the back of it on your thigh, your hand fitting in his.

“I uh,” his eyes fixated on your joined hands, then he cleared his throat, “I’ll stay as long as you need me to. I’m not leavin’ you alone, sweetheart.”

Your eyes lit up at his words, smile growing large across your face. Joel’s heart drummed in his chest as your eyes flickered down to his mouth again.

“Thank you,” you said in a low voice, and then you did something Joel thought was gonna make his heart stop beating. You leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. It bloomed against his skin, and made wings flutter against the walls of his stomach.

“You’re a good man, Joel Miller,” you whispered before you pulled away, looking at him with kindness in your eyes.

If only you knew, Joel thought, if only you knew the blood on his hands.

He couldn’t look at you when you looked at him like that. Like you believed your own words. So, he cleared his throat awkwardly and stood to his feet, his knees clicking as your hand slipped from his movement. He walked back to the counter, fingers grabbing the towel with no other purpose than to calm himself down.

After placing the towel back where it usually hung, he grabbed the knife again, turning his attention back to the rabbit, allowing himself to steal a few glances at you where you sat looking out the kitchen window.

“Hey, uh,” Joel broke the growing silence after a few minutes, “how ‘bout rabbit stew for lunch?”

Your head snapped to look at him as he spoke, a smile ghosting over your lips as you said, “I’ll go get some vegetables from the cellar.”

Joel wouldn’t necessarily call himself a good cook – he wouldn’t even call himself a cook in the first place. Back before the outbreak he’d been forced to learn the basics as a fresh single dad, but he’d never been able to provide Sarah with gourmet meals very often, and when Sarah had gotten older, he’d been embarrassed to say that her food was always better than his – eggshells and all. One summer he’d bought himself a nice grill– one of those way too expensive gas grills with too many fancy accessories for Joel to regularly use. He’d had a job that ended up paying well, some rich guy’s mansion that needed renovating, and decided to treat himself for once. That summer all their meals had come from that grill, well mostly, and afterwards Joel looked at himself as a pretty good griller, if nothing else.

You on the other hand, you knew what you were doing, it was clear in the effortlessly way you moved beside him as you got the vegetables ready for the stew. Joel seared the meat to the best of his abilities, making sure it was properly browned on both sides before setting it aside. After that, it was clear that you were in charge, and Joel let you boss him around and tell him what to do. It made his heart warm around the edges, watching how you put so much love and care into everything you did.

An hour later you finally sat down to eat; two hearty bowls of stew each as light snowflakes covered the world outside. You’d let the pot simmer on low over the heat as you’d wanted to bring up a bowl for Arthur and Alma later.

“So…” you started, watching as Joel dug into his bowl, “How’s the stew?”

“’s good!” Joel nodded through a mouthful, and he wasn’t lying. It was good, really good in fact.

“Yeah?” you bubbled through a smile, before you dug into your own bowl to see if he’d spoken the truth. He watched as you face brightened as you chewed, nodding your head to confirm his verdict.

“I think I really like rabbit, Joel,” you said through a teasing smile, and Joel couldn’t fight the chuckle from spilling.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you nodded, teasing smile not going anywhere, “So… when are you teaching me to shoot?”

“Shut up.”

The living room was quiet, safe for the cracking of the fire. It had almost died out when Joel had stepped out of his room. He’d been twisting and turning again, counting sheep, but nothing had been able to pull him under the blanket of sleep. He was plumb tired too, that was the worst part. The embers hummed with a low light, and with a small stick Joel had spread them out before placing a small piece of wood on top. No less than a minute later the fire fed on the log.

Taking a seat and leaning back in the lounge chair, Joel looked out the window with tired eyes. The moon looked down on him, big and bright, it shone its white light over the barnyard like a spotlight. His thoughts were clouded over as he gazed up. A billion little lights turning into bright spheres in the sky.

On nights like this, Joel felt like he was barely breathing at all.

His thoughts didn’t stray for long before they found you again. Lately, you were always on his mind. He thought about how you’d looked mere hours ago, when he’d sat in this same exact chair, only this time it was facing towards the sofa and not the window.

You’d been sat curled up in the corner, blanket thrown over your lap with a book in hand. You’d told him you’d read all the books in the house already, but it didn’t stop you from coming back to your favorites. Joel had been reading his own book, an old western he’d found in the bookshelf in the upstairs hallway a few days ago. It was entertaining, but not enough to hold his attention. He found his eyes had a mind of their own, slipping over the top to steal a peek at you as you read, feeling a smile tug at his lips at the barely there furrow of concentration between your eyebrows.

“Joel.”

Joel perked up at the whisper of his name, the memories fading like ripples in still water. He looked around the room –nothing. He sat quietly in his chair for a moment, listening, as his heartbeat quickened in his chest. It had been your voice, hadn’t it? Or was he starting to lose it? His eyes fell to the door of your bedroom. He hadn’t noticed it until now, but he could see it was slightly ajar.

“Joel.”

The voice was louder this time, almost strained, but it was yours. A thousand scenarios flashed before his eyes then at your tone. Was there someone in your room? Were you in danger? Seconds later Joel crossed the room, a mix of fear and protectiveness overcoming him.

Leaning up against your door he listened for the intruder as he readied himself. The soft crinkling of your sheets combined with your strained whimpers was all it took for him to push the door open, fearing the worst.

And…

It was empty, your room, you were alone. Joel immediately felt stupid– the only intruder here was him.

He was about to step out, embarrassed at his actions, when he heard it again, his name falling from your lips. It was all Joel needed to finally take in your body, squirming under your sheets, still asleep. The realization of what he’d just walked in on made Joel’s eyes widen.

Laying on your back, the duvet had slipped down your torso from your movements to reveal the thin t-shirt you wore to bed. Like this he could see your perked nipples through the fabric, as your chest quickly rose and fell, making Joel’s imagination start to run wild.

“Joel.”

In his pajama pants, Joel could feel his cock come alive from the soft whimper that left your lips along with his name. He couldn’t move, like some farm elf had glued his feet to the floor while he wasn’t looking. He watched as you scrunched your face together in pleasure, another whimper falling from your lips, and all the blood in Joel’s body rushed down south.

As if the soundwaves from your voice had broken against him, he took a step backwards, and then another, and another until he crossed the threshold of your door. He tried his best to be quiet, to not wake you and have you catch him in your room in the middle of the night.

The image of you squirming under your sheets, dreaming of him, didn’t leave him as he closed the door to his own room. With a sigh his head fell against the door, a strong hand gliding down his front to hover over his aching cock.

Joel Miller was no saint, but what he was doing– what he was about to do, was bad.

“Shit,” he quietly hissed, running his hand up his clothed cock. He hadn’t touched himself properly in a long time, not since he left Boston.

His cock reacted to his touch, growing harder and harder until he couldn’t take it anymore. He hooked his finger around the hem of his pajama pants, pulling them down to the thick of his thigh, freeing himself. He hissed at the cold air hitting his length, as it bopped with the movement of being freed. Bringing his hand to his mouth, Joel spat, before he wrapped his spit-soaked hand around himself.

His mind found you again as he started stroking himself, slowly at first, pumping himself with a practiced hand, squeezing himself at the base before bringing his hand up to thumb at the tip. Joel couldn’t get the way you sounded out of his mind. Couldn’t forget how you were squirming in your bed, dreaming of him. Couldn’t shake the thought of pulling those moans and whimpers from you with his hands, and his mouth, and with his cock.

“Fuck.”

Joel tried to be quiet, but he couldn’t fight the moan from slipping from his lips. Fuck, he wanted you. He wanted his hands all over you. Closing his eyes his mouth dropped open as he imagined what he was dying to do to you.

How much he’d wanted to help you out of your t-shirt, run his hands over your breasts and tease your nipples. Take his time to pull those moans and whimpers from your soft lips as he teased you with kisses down your body, down the valley of your breasts, your tummy, down to you to your–

Another low moan fell from Joel’s lips. He squeezed himself tighter as he jerked himself off, precum pearling at the tip, and slipping down his length, mixing with his spit.

The sound of the slick rhythm of his hand filled his bedroom as he increased the pace of his strokes. He had to bite down on his lip to strangle a groan when thoughts of getting between your legs, spreading them open and getting his mouth on you filled his head. He fantasized about how you’d taste falling apart on his tongue–Fuck, how you’d sound falling apart around his cock.

His eyes fell shut as he fisted himself faster. Joel could feel his orgasm quickly building, coiling tight in his tummy. With his free hand he cupped his balls, and then he couldn’t help but imagine it was you, a picture of you on your knees before him flashed behind his eyelids, your tongue lapping at his balls while your hand pumped his cock.

“Shit.”

With a strained groan, thick ropes of cum spilled over his knuckles and down his length, coating him in his release. His breath came out ragged, as he continued his strokes, milking himself of the rest of his release.

Fuck.

His cock softened in his hand as he calmed down from his high. With a quiet groan he pushed himself off the door, looking around his room for something to clean himself up with.

The guilt of what he’d done washed over him quickly, settling in his chest like a heavy weight. You were so young, and beautiful, and Joel just an old man. He shouldn’t want you like this, shouldn’t want you this much.

Climbing under the covers, Joel couldn’t shake his thoughts of you, of you dreaming about him in your bed, about your smiles, and your touch. A supercut of you rolling like a tape in his minds eye. A supercut of you bundled up under a blanket on the sofa, knitting him his mittens. Of you, your own knitted hat pulled tightly down over your ears as you stepped out into the snow to check on the animals. Of the way you’d looked at him for the first time, with the bucket of apples under your arm, and the sweet taste of them as you’d offered him one later, after dinner.

Finally, Joel could breathe.

next part -> here! i hope someone liked this? if you did a comment, reply or an ask is always welcome and they make me super happy <3 other than that thank you for reading!!

© shellshocklove, 2024 i do not give any permission to repost, translate, feed to AI or redistribute any of my writing, with or without credit!

[nemesyaaa]

a house in nebraska ! rafe cameron x fem!reader

summary ; you were the reason he won't come home but you still call home. this story is based on the song of ethel cain.

warnings : it's angst. fully angst. it's about toxic relationship. so violence, arguing and fighting, sick behavior, daddy and mommy issues, the urge of love and being loved, mentions of drugs, the feeling of being misunderstood and unsteady. home is used as a metaphor of relationship. it's about inner rage too. slight of smut but very little. both rafe and reader being fucked up. southern goth/small town coded.

author's note : it's my first time writing angst so be easy one me please ! as i said, it's based on " a house in nebraska" by ethel cain (because she's my favorite artist and my muse.) and a lot of her songs make me think of rafe, but i also take inspo of her others songs like crush, strangers, and hard times. also a hint of bet on losing dogs by mitski.

i dont know how many words are in this works, but i think around 3k ? it's a one-shot ! BETTER TO READ IT WHILE LISTENING TO A SAD SONG. (a house in nebraska (live version)or anything else)

you lived in the nebraska with rafe, he was your man and you were his girl. it was a small town that allowed you to be just him and you against the world, to be safe from the rest. but the ugly truth was that your house had become a raging mess. the mattresses had become dirty, the silence too comfortable, the night too long, the emptiness too deep, the love too absent and the violence too present. everyone was angry here, even demons and the silence.

rafe was a storm, and every time you tried to calm it, you became further worse. no, you weren't becoming like him, you were becoming him, the mirror of his emotions, full of rage and inexpressible feelings. like a bomb, you needed it to come out, to scream and explode. like a bomb, you needed to hurt, and destroy everything in your way.

you had built this house together, when he still worked with his hands, oh god, how much you loved those big and strong hands, the dirt and bruises on his skin. the softness of his palms when he touched you, the pulsating veins engraved. they were made to love you, to caging you. they were always rushed with blood and wounds because of his work, but despite how dirty they were when he came home, they were always pure and clean on your body. but you also were so in love with his messy sweaty hair, caressing by the wind. he was tall and handsome, the kind of man who worked all day, and drunk at night, some whiskey or bourbon. but never missed to please the needs of his girl.

when he smoked his red marlboros on the porch, you were sitting on his lap like a sleepy girl to take a nap on his heavy arms that managed to hug your body. when he took a sip of his cold beer, while you had nothing to do but being his own pretty girl. when he allowed you to bathe him, cleaning the mess and the sweat. when you used to learn him how to play some classic music on the old piano, and he was just turned on by the way you used so damn well your fingers, and making you sit on the board, and fuck you right there, even if the windows were wide open.

at this time, you would have die for him.

when he still listened to what you said, when he still answered your calls and did not make you sick by his silence, when you laughed every time he came home . but now you were starting to hate the fact that he was coming.

how did the man who was supposed to make you so happy manage to break you so easily? but you weren't an angel either, oh far from it, you had neither wings nor halo on your head, you didn't even have god in your heart. you made him, like all men, your enemy.

it was four in the morning, it was still dark, you were waiting in the living room.

the tv wasn't on. rafe had broken it during an argument. that wasn’t the only thing he shattered, you had to be the hardest thing he does. not even with his fists, with just the force of his words, the way they were murderous, the way they had the force to tear your heart open and crushed it into pieces.

most people would say that this man was not the type to cry, that a man doesn't cry, but rafe cried. and you had seen him a couple of times, and the first time you saw him burst into tears, you knew straight away that it was the real him. that behind all this hatred, this anger, there was a hurted little boy. and who grew up with an open wound, a wound impossible to heal, even with all the love in the world.

rafe was the kind of man who screamed, who cried, who bled, a fallen angel who had lost god along the way, who had been ignored, but mostly, never heard.

when he opened the door to the house, you hated the strong smell of alcohol, but also of blood. you never asked him for anything, the only thing you wanted was for him to come home on time for dinner, to go to bed with you. but no one, absolutely, no one tamed a dog like him. and you rathered not bet on losing dogs.

“where were you ?? ” you had already started shouting due to lack of patience, getting up from the chair to confront him.

you had seen him sigh, making that bored face, like you had no reason to be upset, that face that made all women become even worse.

“if you had the same energy to scream when we fuck, we would have a fantastic sex life.”

“seriously, rafe? you want to play the asshole, right now ? ”

“ it will suit your bitch behavior, so why not ?”

you slapped him very hard in the face. what obviously rafe didn't find this very amusing, he crushed you in the wall, pinned your hands above your head.

“ don't you dare slapping me again. you want to be mean, sweetheart ? i can be meaner. let's see....oh this is the necklace that your mom offered to you before leaving ? how sweet. maybe, i can sell it for a good price. ”

“ rafe. don't. ”

he shushed you, by putting his other hand on your mouth. “ you're not allowed to talk right now. you had your turn for, now, it's my fucking turn. and i will do whatever the fuck i want ! it's my house, my rules. ”

he unhooked the necklace, as you tried to break away from his grip but he closed his fingers tighter against your wrists.

“I'm going to kill you, no matter what you do, i'm going to kill you. ”

“murder me” he said with a louder voice. “i’m asking you to murder me! it’s probably the only good thing you’ll have done well in your life. you know even if i die tonight, i will die yours. even if you kill me, i will always be here.”

he released you, and you exploded. “you have exceeded the limits, rafe! ”

” since when are there boundaries between us, sugar? we're freaks, remember? ”

you threw away the first object you found, it was an empty coffee cup. you threw it at his face. but he had dodged it with a sick smile. your jaw clenched, eyes blazing with fury, you were out of control. you were what he wanted you to be every time he came home late

” oh you can do better than that baby. i'm sure i taught you how to shoot better than this when i showed you how to kill? do you remember? ”

“ this, this fucking attitude, rafe is why everybody leaves you ! ”

“ yes. and do i fucking care, y/n ? do i fucking care ? i grew up in a family where nobody loved me, nobody reached after me, nobody looked after me, nobody dared to pay attention to me and you tell me i have to care about everyone leaving me ? no, it's not fucking fair ! so do you understand ? i don't care. if you want to leave, you know better than me that the door is open because you're the only one to be stucking in front, waiting like a fucking dog that i come come. ”

“ fine. i leave ! ”

you took the keys of the car, even if rafe hated that you drove, especially at midnight. but you were too upset, too mad.

your man wasn't done with you. he stood in front of the car you were driving.

“if you think i'm afraid of killing you, when you were the one who taught me how to do that, you're wrong. ”

" yes ? then show me how well i did my job. kill me. ”

“ rafe, i’m not kidding. ”

“ perfect, we are both serious then. ”

you moved the car forward, pressing the pedal with your feet. you hitted him with the car. it was strong but not violent either.

you got out of the car quickly to check on him. but he was smiling, a little blood on his face.

“are you sick!? ”

“ i raised you well, i fear. now, lick this face. i can see in your eyes how pretty you find me covered with blood, so please yourself, lick it all. ”

“ wait, i will find some tis….”

“ no, with your tongue. clean my whole face with your tongue. don't waste anything. i want to be able to kiss you right after, and recognize the taste of my blood all over your mouth. you want to be sick ? make me feel sick too. ”

maybe you were too young to realize that some loves could be bad. but this relationship was toxic. you had both destroyed each other, and it was complicated when you saw this world, this universe only through your union. you felt like you had lost a lot, like you had lost everything, like you had failed. maybe, you were the failure, and rafe, the problem. but also, maybe, he was the failure and you, the problem.

and you hated not knowing what was going on in rafe's head, you hated that no one on this earth could figure it out, and that even rafe himself didn't know it. he was crazy, he was sick but that wasn't all, it couldn't be just that.

you gave up the fight, going to the bathroom to take a bath. you needed some peace because the house didn't feel like a home anymore.

sometimes wheezie would call you to see if you were okay, she had grown up, and you lied to her all the time. because it hurt so much to be two in a relationship, but not feel like you were a part of it anymore. and the worst part of it all was that you could kill yourself for just one minute of affection, just one second of happiness, just one moment in the past when everything was okay. where rafe was still the sweet little boy you knew. but the stories were not meant to have a happy ending.

it was hard this feeling, this lack when he still lived with you in this terrible house. but one day you'll be the reason he won't come home again. but you would always call home. you promised yourself. because it would always be yours.

rafe had joined you in the bathtub. and you could tell by his red and empty eyes, his blank stare that he had been crying. he cried and he was not the drugs, he was you, only you.

and you didn't mention it. you didn't say anything. you preferred to stay smart and not start another fight.

“the walls could break down with so much screams. ” you said, laughing slightly.

“maybe we should sell the house. ”

“i like this house. i feel at home here. i have nowhere to go. ” you lied for the two first, but not for the last.

and it was true. you had built everything, paved everything here. you had remade a world. you couldn't leave, you couldn't leave anything. and above all, you were too tired to leave.

it would be a lie to say that you didn't had sex in the bathtub, that you didn't feel his tears on your shoulder, that you didn't feel his thrusts get harder each time a sob broke out his empty eyes, that you didn't feel how much he was breaking every time you took pleasure. because, it was hard for him to seeing you being happy. because it was so hard to take care of you. because it was so hard to feel loved and being loved. you were both too young, too stupid, too sick for love.

and rafe wanted to make you happy without sex, without all this selfish sex. no, he wanted to make you happy by some casual things. but sometimes, you pissed him off so bad to the point, he wanted to leave. but how can a man who hoped to be loved can leave the woman who promised to cherish him ? it was too tired, too angry, and too unsteady to leave. you broke him too. and it was sad for him, because you were the only one he was not scared to tell it hurts.

but at six in the morning you were fighting again as if it were a ritual, a need, a desire to destroy each other, as if sometimes love needed to be violent and destructive to work. actually, for freaks like you, surely.

“why did you throw my fucking drugs down the toilet?! ”

“because you don’t need that!” ”

“you don’t know what i need, you barely know what i want! you had no fucking right to do that. ”

“ don't be a crybaby ! ”

“ repeat. i dare you to repeat. ”

“crybaby! you're a fucking crybaby, rafe! your new personality changes nothing about the boy you were and will always be! what, you don't like the truth ? bad for you, i'm about to tell you what everyone doesn't want to tell you. because i'm not scared at all of you ! you're a fucking crybaby ! ”

“ but you're still here, you're still fucking here. because you know what ? i'm maybe a crybaby, but i'm a river worth wading. and this is why, you're standing in front of me with all this confidence. you wanted a broken man, you wanted someone to fix ? then come on baby, i'm here, i'm watching you, i'm listening, i'm literally at your feets, fix me ! fix the little boy you wanted, make him better. ”

“ rafe…”

“no, i'm asking you now who do you think you are? do you think that because you have this attitude, it doesn't make you a little girl who needs her daddy? because damn, yes, you need him. but i fear daddy was the only one who didn't need you because guess what ? he left. and you make all the men leave around you ! but the difference between us is that you care. when i fucking dont care.”

“ you're sick, a sick asshole. and don't touch me ! ” you pushed him away, but he came back, his hand on your throat. “ but you're the sick one who loves me, remember that ?” he answered.

“ but do you think i still love you ? ” you said with a smirk, taking pleasure to see his widen eyes. “ i'm asking you right now, do you think i still love you, and if one day, someone will like you like i do ? it would be so hard for you to find happiness after me, i can promise you this. you will fight a lot. because ? can you see ? can you see i can breathe without you, i can live without you ? but you, can you do this ? yes, you can fight, you can scream and shout but what else ? ”

“ it doesn't hurt, y/n. it doesn't hurt. and you can't break me, as you can't fix me. ”

“ then why are you crying, big boy ? why are those tears for, if not for me ? ”

“ i built a home for you, i did everything for you. ”

“ and then what ? ”

“ don't make me regret it, y/n. don't make me regret the only good thing i've made well in my life, just don't make me regret...this. you don't understand. why did every house i'm in never felt like home ? ”

“ you destroy everything, rafe. but me too, i guess. the difference is that you have an excuse, a reason for being like that. your dad fucked up with you. and i hate him for that. if he had loved you correctly, you would have known and learned how to love people, how to be attached to them. but you don't know any of that, you don't know what it is to love, and to be loved. everything i do for you, you could call it love, even when i'm mean. but it's false, love is tender, it's beautiful. but you know, i think i'm sick because i also like the way you love me, this violence, this rage, this impulsiveness, it drives me crazy but it makes me alive. so, do you think you could do it again? ”

“ why you didn't leave, why you never leave ? ”

“ because it's our house. we're stuck in forever. this is our house in nebraska, our only heaven. now be a good boy and cry a little for me, i think i'm going away a little...” you said, taking him in your arms, your hand placed on his back, and your hand pressed to his cheek. “don’t worry, i cry a lot too. all the time, even when you make me happy. ” you shushed him, bursted in tears in the hug.

you kissed him on the corner of his lips, your mouth meeting his tears, before he joined you in this kiss, you felt his sad and salty tongue against yours, his hands came squeeze your waist.

but now in the present, you were alone. the house still existed but it was just you.

you weren't sleeping anymore, because you kept hoping that he would come home, you were hoping that he would come home late at night.

but you were alone in a dirty and cold mattress. and you prayed for him hoping he was okay. the phone was broken but you were hoping to hear it ring, the door was open and you were waiting for a sign.

nothing was right, everything was wrong. you just wanted to say to rafe that he had you, that he had a house, and his home missed him, like nobody ever does in his life.

you didn't realize that you had been lying all this time, and that you were silently dying. but at least you died, only his.

[evolnoomym]

Bigger than the whole sky 🌌

Dbf!Joel Miller x f!reader

Pt.2🌠 | Main Masterlist | Joel Miller Masterlist

Summary: You meet Joel and well of course you fall for each other. It’s a bit bumpy since he’s your Dads best friend. But things seem to work out until they don’t anymore. One event changes everything.

Rating: 18+ mature content mdni!!!!

Word count: 5.1k

Warnings: no use of y/n, pov switches that might be confusing, female reader, reader has hair, reader wears makeup, reader can get pale, weight loss, implied childhood abuse, trauma, angst, heavy angst(?), implied smut, alludes to pregnancy, funerals, coffins, reader has no name only a bunch of nicknames, size difference, dbf!Joel Miller, mentions of throwing up, loss of a loved one, grief, depression (?), food and eating issues are mentioned, talks of having a baby, Blood, dark thoughts, intrusive thoughts, age gap, readers age is not exactly mentioned but Joel is 44, talks of getting married….

If I missed anything please let me know 🙏🏻

Authors note: this is for @almostfoxglove ‘s Angst Writing Challenge. Shoutout to her she created the moodboard, it’s sooooo beautiful. 🫶🏻

Shoutout to @thecutestgrotto and @cafekitsune for the dividers 💙

Disclaimer: English is not my first language so if you come across mistakes it might be due to that. This is also only my second time posting writing for a specific character. I’m totally here for constructive criticism or feedback on how to improve. In general I appreciate comments, likes and reblogs greatly. This not beta read btw only by my eyes and they hurt after starring at the screen for so long 🌌🫶🏻

And lastly I’ll leave some songs i listened to while writing <3

loml by Taylor Swift

Black Friday by Tom Odell

This is what the drugs are for by Gracie Abrams

I guess by Mitski

Present by Lloyd Vaan

Je te laisserai des mots by Patrick Watson

Home by Daughter

Allowed to be Happy by Gustavo Santaolalla

Song on the Beach by Arcade Fire, Owen Pallet

aisatsana [102] by Aphex Twin

Fourth of July by Sufjan Stevens

Francis Forever by Mitski

A House In Nebraska by Ethel Cain

Medicine by Daughter

Youth by Daughter

I can barely say his name by Patrick Jonsson

listen before I go by Billie Eilish

You remember exactly how you met Joel Miller, it was so simple. He was the one to give your Dad a job at the construction company he led together with his younger brother Tommy. In the beginning you only heard how great of a boss he supposedly was through your Dads stories. 

Joel and him seemed to have grown into real good friends in the span of mere weeks. You always had wondered what the man from his stories was like in person, up close. 

When you had to drive to the construction site to bring your Dad his lunch he had forgotten due to being a bit busy that morning. It seemed like your wishes to meet Joel would become reality. You didn’t think the big boss would spend his precious time with the actual building process but as you'd figure out in the future, Joel is a hands on kinda guy. 

You must’ve looked super out of place and quite lost when he approached you. His Texas drawl still echoed through your head hours later. „Well Hello Darlin, lookin for someone?“ and if that alone didn’t completely blew you away, then certainly his stunning looks. When you turned towards the voice a tall, broad and awfully handsome man looked back at you.

After an awkward beat of silence he stretched his hand out towards you “Apologies sweetheart, should’a start with the name, huh?” Tilting his head slightly “Name’s Joel, Joel Miller.” At that you let your hand slip onto his outstretched one. His hand was so huge, warm and calloused. Shaking his hand kinda calmed you down Joel Miller was absolutely lovely. “Nice to finally meet the famous Joel Miller that my Dad keeps yapping about nonstop.” You giggled while cheekily winking at him. 

That must’ve been a key moment for everything that was to follow. You’d see Joel again and again. Whether due to your Dad inviting the single, 44 year old Man over or due to you having to deliver your Dad’s forgotten food. 

The tension was slowly building higher and higher between you two until one day in Joel’s office you could no longer hold back. 

Joel stood in his office with you by his side, in front of a pinboard containing all sorts of information about his newest project. He was animatedly explaining processes you’d never understand in a million years. You actually kind of tuned him out and just enjoyed being unbelievably close to him. 

Then his face kinda looked confused. Oh no he must’ve asked you a question. Shaking your head you say  “Mhhh sorry, what did you just ask?” Joel tilts his head towards you the way he always does and then states “Ya didn’t listen to a single word I just said, right Sweetcheeks?” 

He always comes up with the most ridiculous nicknames that cause a vicious pull in your lower stomach. You lost count of how many conversations with him ended in drenched panties. 

“I….i -of course I was listening to you, why wouldn’t I?” You stammered a bit offensively, surely he’d see right through you. 

“Hm kay, so what was I talkin bout, gorgeous?” He’s teasing at this point. 

“Ok I wasn’t listening but that is a lot I don’t get anyway so can you really blame me, Miller?” You fired back. 

“So, whatcha thinkin bout inside of that pretty little head of yours, instead of listening to me?” You just scoff at him “Let’s not pretend you don’t know exactly what I was thinking about Joel.” Pointing one accusing finger at his broad chest. At that motion Joel enveloped your wrist in one of his massive hands, pulling you closer that way. Until you were right in front of him, only a tiny space left between your faces. “Why don’t ya tell me whatcha thinkin about Baby?” 

He must know, just by seeing how your eyes keep slipping down to glance at his pillowy lips, what is going through your head. You’ve been dancing around this topic, the tension, the pull towards each other, how forbidden it is for all of this to happen. Joel is your Dads Best friend and he’s twice as old as you are but you know that if you don’t kiss him right now you’ll go insane. It’s all you think about, kissing him and then some more. 

For the first time in years you actually consider letting someone get so close again. Joel would never hurt you like the ones before him did, no, he’s mature and wouldn’t play any of those stupid games. You know how kind, considerate, protective and caring he is for the ones he loves. Sure it won’t be easy to explain any of this to your Dad but you can’t think about that right now, no, you have to kiss Joel, it’s the last thought before leaning up to push your lips against his. 

One chaste kiss that erupted into a full blown make out session that only got interrupted by some frantic knocks at Joel’s Office door. 

From that day on those meetings became a routine, in his office, his truck, his house or sometimes he’d take you out of town for a super secret Date. The thrill of hiding with the possibility of getting caught soon turned into shame for lying to your Dad so much. You wanted to tell him even though it scared you more than anything how he might react. 

Surprisingly though he didn’t completely freak out, of course he was shocked and confused how this combination came to be. More than anything he took the lying personally and made clear that as long as you are happy, so is he. If Joel was the one then so be it, besides your Dad has a lot of respect for Joel and knows you're in good hands. 

After 3 months of being an official couple Joel asked if you’d be happy to move in with him. You had to think about it for a long time, feeling quite guilty about leaving your Dad behind but he reassured you that he would be fine on his own. He told you that a grown woman like you shouldn’t have to live with her boring old man anymore than you already did. 

So you moved into Joel’s house. And what followed were months filled with wonderful memories. Many barbecues were held, your Dad and Joel always standing at the grill together, each nursing on their beer bottles. 

Whenever you wanted to try a new recipe your Dad was invited over so you could make sure he still ate enough, the night always ending with you sending him home with a bunch of Tupperware's filled to the brim with deliciously homemade meals. 

When you wanted to paint the walls in the living room a new shade your Dad came over to help. 

Making sure his baby girl is happy and content was your Dads number one priority. 

Then one day you went over to his house to catch up a little bit, just you two having some Dad and Daughter one on one quality time. 

He was so excited when you told him that Joel and you want to have a baby. 

He told you what a great mother you’d make because of how wonderful you always have been with kids and how much you always wanted to have kids of your own. 

To others it might’ve been weird to share such an information with their Dad but you have such a close bond that it’s not weird at all. 

You were so happy on the drive home cuz you know what great grandpa he’d make. 

It must've been exactly one week later when you woke up with an indescribable feeling in your chest. As if the world spun a little slower, or the air felt more compromising…whatever it was you couldn’t stop feeling like something had happened. 

Your intuition only perked up more when your Dad didn’t show up for the usual Sunday’s breakfast you recently started doing. 

After 8 calls that nobody picked up you told Joel you would drive over there and as if he knew that you would need him for whatever was awaiting you there, he came with you. 

The closer you got to the house the worse you felt. Hands sweaty, heartbeat racing and your stomach felt like turning over at the sight of the house. Usually he would be up by now playing his obnoxiously loud music that you’d hear on the street through the open kitchen window. Instead it was eerily quiet. 

When Joel had parked the car he told you to wait for him but you couldn't. You just ran up the steps, unlocked the door with your spare key and bolted through the house as if on instinct you skipped up the steps to his bedroom. You flung the door open and there he was. Just laying on his designated side with his glasses still on and one hand on his chest across his heart. He looked like he was just sleeping but deep down you knew he was not. You can’t remember a lot, only that you immediately bolted towards the bathroom to empty your stomach out, Joel came up too and tried  comforting you through the heaving. Then he tried to get you away from the scene. Joel took care of everything while you just locked up inside of yourself. No tears, no screams, no words, not a singular reaction just nothing. Joel had never seen you look so…empty. 

Later on the authorities would say it’s just natural cause, he simply passed in his sleep, nothing dramatic. Not the kind of closure you would have wanted. It didn’t matter how “normal” it was, your world stopped spinning entirely. Everyone seemed to go one but you just stopped. 

Suddenly without any foreshadowing everything was completely flipped on its head. You loved him so much, he was your best friend. He told you all the time how much he loved you even with all your struggles. You’d never have to prove your worth to him; he'd love you no matter what. In his eyes you were a gift, opposite to your mother that looked at you as a burden. You never felt loved by her. She took away your precious childhood and forced you to grow up quickly. So you could take care of her. Even when you told her how close to the edge you were she always made everything about herself. Out of your parents the one person that actually wanted you, died and with him so did your willingness to continue with the fight against all your inner demons.

You lost yourself after that. For weeks you just slept, barely moving, only getting up to use the toilet and perhaps eat something small and drink a bit. Joel had to shower you, otherwise you wouldn’t have done it yourself. Who you were before losing your Dad was gone, as if you died with him. 

Joel tried everything in his power to make you feel better. One time he wanted to paint with you since you loved to do that, but the moment your eyes caught sight of the little paint pots you ran for the toilet to empty out your stomach. Later on he realized his mistake, you used to paint with your Dad a lot all the way back in your childhood so of course that would not make you feel better. Then he tried playing music for you either your favorite songs from your playlist or on his guitar. Nothing, you just continued to be completely catatonic. 

Then the funereal came, a day Joel dreaded he was not sure you’d be able to handle it. In the morning he made your hair and applied a bit of makeup, he watched you do your little routine often enough to know what he was doing. Afterwards he dressed you in a simple black dress and equally black flats. Walking only worked since Joel kept you upright. 

Sitting in the front row bench at the chapel you looked like a ghost. Pale and sunken in. You were asked to do a speech about your Dad but that would’ve been impossible. So Joel went up to do it instead. You just stared straight ahead at the coffin, not sparing a glance towards Joel. 

And once everything was over, the people, mostly his colleagues, paid him their respects. When everyone was gone you stayed and just laid your head on the coffin silently sobbing, which was the most emotion Joel had seen in weeks from you. Only he was to witness this vulnerability. 

Staring at the completed grave was just as daunting. His name is written in cold stone. All that’s left is this hole in the earth and a stone on top with his name. 

You walked away without sparring another glance toward the grave.

Then it seemed like you were getting better. You spoke more, ate more and slept less. You even searched out body contact with Joel, though it was just some cuddling and gentle kissing. But he took it as a step in the right direction. 

You almost fully returned to your old self but Joel could have not predicted how wrong he would be. 

He should’ve listened to his gut that told him something was off when you didn’t kiss him goodbye before he left for work that morning. 

You know how hard it will be but there’s no other choice. You have to get away, you have to leave so he can find someone better, someone who deserves a man like Joel Miller, someone less troubled, someone normal. 

Those fears you have now, always were inside of you but with your Dad passing they just all came to the surface. Grief killed you, it took everything, it’s as if you're in a room with a beautiful glowing bulb and some dark entity just rips it away. You're left in the dark and not even Joel’s light can make it better. 

You lost something nothing can replace. 

All your life you feared what would happen if you’d lose someone like this without any way of getting closure, he died without any warning just poof and gone he was. 

Your final goodbye was never said. 

Now you can’t remember how he used to be, you only remember him laying in his bed without moving a damn muscle,dead. You were the one to find him and even though it was not some unsettling scene it’s not leaving your head. You try hard to remember how he spoke that sarcastic tone he usually used. 

You can’t remember his face anymore, not even looking at pictures brings him back and at the same time he’s all you think about as if he’s haunting you. You hate him for leaving you so early. Why him? What kind of curse was laid upon you that everything always seems to fall apart when you think it’s finally working out. 

It’s as if some higher up can sense that you are happy and content with your life and they don’t want to give you that sorta life. 

The moment your brain processed what had happened you fell into the darkness like a big hole that sucked you in without any way out. Anyone around you could be another loss so what do you do? You leave, you disappear so no one gets hurt by whatever is wrong with you. 

Looking at yourself hurts because it’s him you see and it’s him you hear in your head he’s everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Sometimes you feel like you’re hallucinating because you swear to see him round the corner, you can almost hear him call out but when you try to look there’s nothing. 

Sometimes but much rarer than you’d like to admit you’ve visited the grave, sometimes you speak to no one. Sometimes you scream in agony till you almost lose consciousness from the lack of oxygen. Sometimes you just stare. 

It’s a sick twist of events considering how often he walked on cemeteries with you as a child. You didn’t understand the meaning behind them back then, you only loved to admire the beautiful flower ornaments laying on top of the graves. Your dad always told you how soothing these walks seemed for you. 

One time he took you and you had so much fun admiring the flowers giggling and smiling. Your dad wanted to tell you off since it’s a place where people grieved especially with a woman sitting nearby crying. He went to apologize to her on your behalf but the woman told him not to. She thought it was an uplifting sight to see little you having so much joy about the flowers, that’s a story he always kept telling you again and again. 

All your life those walks soothed your frayed mind. The quiet somber energy is something no other place could compare with. Now it’s the last place you’d wanna be in. The moment you step foot on the property, the panic starts to creep up on you. The closer you get to him the worse it gets. 

Sometimes the voices in your head scream to just start digging into the earth to get him out of that godforsaken coffin. Look at him, do something to bring him back. If the devil would show up to take you instead of your dad you’d do it. He was a troubled man but he tried so hard. He did not deserve any of this, he should’ve been here for all the good times yet to come. 

You imagined him walking you down the aisle, having that stupid first look with him where he’d surely try so hard not to cry but looking at his baby in a wedding dress would’ve been way too much for him to stay strong. You imagined having your first dance with him. 

You imagined how excited he would’ve been to hear that he was going to be a grandpa. In your head you can see him with a little baby that looks just like you. But none of this will ever happen; he's dead. 

Sometimes it’s hard to even look at Joel. He's connected to him as well; he was his boss and one of his closest friends. It’s not fair you know but in your head you see Joel and your dad laughing on the porch about some old men shit like always making their awful dad jokes. Or drinking a beer together or looking to fix something around the house. 

The house, Joel’s house and a place your dad spent a lot of time in. Walking through the hallways is not pleasant anymore, the couch is avoided as best as you can. He used to sit here all the time watching soccer games with Joel. The chair at the dining table he always sat on had to be removed simply seeing it made you sick and eating was already a hefty struggle since he passed. 

He left a mark anywhere and all of it was getting too much. The pressure in your head becomes more and more unbearable. 

Even though you tried to push all those negative festering thoughts away the voices could not be shut up no matter what you tried. 

The worst was when they started to go for Joel, suddenly all you could think of was how he’d die. Joel is only 10 years your dad’s junior. So if he died then why not Joel too. 

So many horrible scenarios played out inside your mind. Car accident, some freak accident on a construction site, getting attacked by multiple people, torturing him slowly, beating him to death, his head all split open, blood everywhere, or what if he gets shot by some crazy Texan who loves guns. There really was not a scenario left to imagine. 

Nightmares in the most cruel ways destroying you slowly from the inside out. And that just proved how one thing can make an avalanche of events happen. He was your purpose for most of your life, you only continued to play this game called life because you could not leave him. And now he left you. 

One time he told you how if it weren’t for you he’d be dead or in jail since there would be no reason to give a damn about his life. He was just like you, living for others instead of for himself. No one understood you like him. Somewhere deep inside you know he wouldn’t want you to blame yourself so much but that singular fact does nothing compared to all the ever suffocating darkness. 

You’d give anything to have him back, feel his warm embrace one more time, hear him say how much he loves you, have him tell you one of his stories, have him tell you it’s going to be alright, take one more look and inhale his signature scent. You have one of his shirts doused in his favorite perfume, it’s what you used to do in all those years you lived far away from him during childhood. Now it does not help like it did back then. What remains of him? Nothing, all of his stuff shoved into a storage unit looked up, buried just like him. 

You know Joel tried hard to be supportive and not push you too hard. Sometimes you wished he would’ve just screamed at you, slapped some sense into you and told you to stop being such a disgraceful mess. That’s what they would’ve done. 

But Joel is not like that,  he helped you so much. Putting himself so far behind. So much so that you feel sorry he has to deal with an ill girlfriend, that’s what you are, a mental wreck. 

He deserves better treatment than the lackluster one you have given him in the last months. He deserves to be free of your weight dragging him down towards the abyss. Even though he told you in the beginning that he loves you with all the baggage and all the challenges, you cannot let him continue to waste his time. 

Besides you’re convinced he’d leave you anyway like everyone before one way or another you end up alone. You have no control of the situation but if you leave then you have the control it still hurts but it’s the only option in your head. 

The decision was made weeks ago, it felt wrong to lie to Joel to keep him thinking everything is fine only to then rip it all away but perhaps it’ll make him hate you so it’s easier. If he hates you then he will be able to move on with his life. Burn all you build together down.

 And then you knew today would be the day. You couldn’t bear to kiss him in the morning; it would only make everything harder. Some time after he left you got up. One last time using the shower you both occasionally used together having foam party’s, giggling, washing each other and then kissing, touching till it leads to you with your cheek squished against the tile and Joel behind you ferociously hitting that special spot inside of you, till you both reach your high. Now you’re alone staring at that specific spot in the tiles, too much so you turn away. 

One last time looking at yourself in the mirror above the sink, the mirror Joel and you both looked into while brushing your teeth. You dry your hair, put on fresh clothes, nothing too dramatic, just some simple black leggings and a black cotton shirt. 

Then you start packing the most important stuff into two big suitcases. Basically only clothes, some hygiene products and a few trinkets that you don’t want to leave behind. The rest can be either sold by Joel or thrown away. You don’t care, the less holding you back the better. 

Once the suitcases are packed you haul them down the stairs towards the front door. And then you just wait. For hours you sit at the dining table just staring ahead at the wall opposite where so many photos of Joel and you hang so many memories and you’ll destroy it. 

You should feel bad but these days you barely feel anything, numb is what you think you feel most of the time. Maybe that’s what your ex meant when he said that you don’t own a heart, that you’re a cold blooded mean person. Someone who plays with people until they stop serving their purpose, that's what he said. 

It’s almost 8pm, Joel should be home soon. You have practically studied the words you’ll say. An Uber already ordered to arrive 15 minutes after he should get home. Not much to talk about the less the easier so you can just walk away. 

Then you hear it, Joel’s truck driving up the driveway and coming to a halt. How he gets out and slams the door shut behind him. His keys jiggling while he searches for the right one. Unlocking the door and closing it behind him. You don’t turn towards him although you know he must be looking at you in astonishment. He can not miss the suitcases and something about the lack of his words tells you he knows exactly what this means. 

Joel cannot believe what he walked into, he knew something was off but just thought that he was starting to imagine things but here you are sitting like an empty shell of yourself and the packed suitcases can only mean one thing, he tries his hardest not to freak out that won’t make anything better. 

He starts walking towards you, slowly, once he reaches the threshold of the living room he speaks up 

“Moon, Darling what’s goin on?” He immediately continues “What’s with those suitcases, huh?” He can’t even hide the nervous quiver in his voice. 

You turn to finally look at him with empty eyes, get up and walk up to him and then “I have to leave.” And with that you move to walk past him but Joel stops you by reaching for you arm, you immediately pull your arm away hissing “Don’t fuckin touch me Joel.” 

He’s stunned by this harsh rejection, his expression full of hurt. Yet he persists by getting close, grabbing your face with both hands, his warm calloused hands that you love- loved so much. He urges “Talk to me baby, what is going on, why would ya need to leave?” Even with everything he tried to be gentle, his voice panicked yet almost just a whisper. 

He can see in your eyes some sadness creeping in when you mutter “Joel..-“ you take one deep inhale “-…this House no longer feels like home.” He can tell even with how hard you try to appear collected that it pains you to say those words. “Wh…what do ya mean? If- if the house is the problem we can just move.” You cut in “No Joel, no i..I don’t love you anymore. Ok? I can’t stay here any longer.” 

It’s a punch right into his gut there’s no way you are serious. “Baby all ya stuff is here you can’t just leave.” He tries to find something to buy him time. “I don’t care Joel just…just throw it away or sell it or I don’t know fuckin burn it. I won’t need it anyway.” He’s so shocked that you use that to continue your path towards the front door and the waiting suitcases. 

On top of one suitcase lies a tote bag containing your phone, a jacket and your wallet sits. You swing it over your shoulder, you can hear that Joel has started crying, his huffed breaths are all you can hear. 

That’s when a car starts honking outside, the Uber is here, you go to open the front door twisting the knob you can hear him walking up behind you with heavy steps. You open the door anyway with him at your back and you move the suitcases out onto the porch. Joel’s trying his hardest to contain his sobbing to a minimum but it’s hard he loves you so much, he thinks about the ring in his wardrobe hidden behind stuff you’d never go for and he thinks about the talks you two had of having a baby. If only he knew 

His heart is breaking watching you walk away from all of it. You turn to him, one last time, he looks shattered, you've never seen Joel like this, you give him a nod as if to give him the ok to touch you one more time if only to give some kind of closure. He moves closer without hesitation and takes your face in his hands once more and leans his forehead against yours. His frantic breathing collides with your face and then “Wh…why Baby just why?” He sobs A simple question and you decide to give him at least something you reach up to put your hands over his to get him to open his eyes. 

“Joel I’m not myself anymore, i-…i feel so all over the place and I’m so scared.” Tears start clouding your sight. “I need to be away from everything. I need to be alone far away to just maybe find some peace. I need to be gone.” And the tears start falling “No matter where I look I can’t stop seeing him and it’s crushing me.” Now you're full on crying. He’s processing what you’re saying and somewhere in his mind he understands that, still he can’t believe this is it. 

“Ok-….if ya need to go at least promise you’ll give some sorta sign ya alright?” He looks desperate “Please Baby….please just a text something anything.” You only nod and then pull out of his grasp, take the suitcases and shakinly make your way to the Uber. Joel can only watch and hope you’ll stick to your words, hope that you’ll find some kind of way back to yourself. 

The Uber driver gets out as you approach and opens the trunk helping to put the suitcases in there. Then you walk to the right door on the back, open it and hesitate for a moment. Joel holds his breath but you continue to slip into the backseat. Closing the door and off the car goes. Joel doesn’t know for how much longer he stood on the porch long after the car was gone. What was there is no more. 

Npt: @almostfoxglove @joelmillerisapunk @aurorawritestoescape @milla-frenchy @joelslegalwhre @thundermartini @studioghibelli @sizzlingcloudmentality @vivian-pascal @strang3lov3 @xdaddysprincessxx @mountainsandmayhem @mrsmando @joelsgreys @janaispunk @the-mandawhor1an @rivnedell (honestly I’m tagging pretty randomly, sorry) 💙

Please don’t repost, copy, translate, or feed into any AI, thank you 🙏🏻

[khytal]

ok gamers I rewatched tristamp one more time in order to write a post about the soundtrack, and some of the stuff I found blew my socks off (even though I've seen every episode like 6 times) so buckle up because oh my god. oh my god

this will cover most of both volumes of the OST (which you can find on spotify), with a focus on wolfwood, and a little bit of vash, meryl, and the eye of michael

...and a very thorough breakdown of "drain arm" :)

notes before I get into it: -I won't be analyzing the plant song because I. already wrote an entire separate thing about that haha (a link to that doc will be in the replies section of the notes if you're interested)

-you won't need to know anything about music theory, because I'm just pointing out where certain themes come up (with the exception of "duet", but I'll explain terminology there). timestamps will be included so you can listen for them as you read

-if you're obsessed with the OST like I am, most of this probably won't be anything new x) but I hope it's enjoyable regardless

-my credentials: I was a pianist for 10 years and an oboist for 7.5 years and I only had 1 semester of intermediate music theory but I got to analyze the 1st mvt of tchaik 5 and I think that permanently altered my brain chemistry

-the tracks I recommend being familiar with to have a better grasp on this post are: -> "whistling/blues harp in the wasteland" (vash's leitmotif) -> "reality" -> "childhood memories" -> "duet" -> "human subject" (eye of michael, or EoM, leitmotif) -> "drain arm" (technically optional)

-please don't take any of my interpretations/speculation as fact! you are absolutely free to come to your own conclusions I just have a lot of thoughts about the soundtrack lol 👍

here we go :]

EP1: -you can hear a variation of the plant song in "immigrant space explorer" (0:36-1:00)

-vash's leitmotif is first heard in "no man's land" (0:41-0:48)

-only about half of "mystery man" plays, and his leitmotif (0:38-0:51) is actually cut from the scene so it's not heard at all

EP2: -"escape" has vash's leitmotif from 0:18-0:31. they also took out the lyrics in the episode's version of the track x)

-it's possible that we'll hear "might is right" or a new arrangement of it if we get to see the rest of the nebraska family in future episodes, since there were posters of marilyn. I think people largely associate the song with EG the Mine but due to the track title and the fact that it first played in this episode, I feel like it's more about the nebraskas

-I'll talk about "childhood memories" in ep12 because it's related to rem's themes

EP3: -the plant song can be heard in "compatriots" (1:01-1:11)

-"reality" is first heard here, right before the episode in which wolfwood is introduced. keep this in mind for later :')

EP4: -"undertaker" has a dissonant sax part (0:48-0:54) that's similar to the one found in "irritation" (1:05-1:11), but it's an ascending passage rather than descending. it doesn't show up anywhere else so it might become a motif we'll hear in the future, but there's no way to know until the next part is released

-"planet zaji", from 0:55-1:04, has that one part from "time left" (1:02-1:09). it's heard while wolfwood's spinning the punisher around but I think it's just something that sounds cool, and you can't really hear it anyway because of the sound effects/dialogue. if zazie gets any additional themes in the future I might have more to say on this

-vash's leitmotif kicks in in "hungry !" (0:21-0:43) when wolfwood introduces himself at the end of the episode. I really like this track I hope we'll get to hear it again x)

EP5: -I don't think there's any meaning behind "shadow" borrowing from "worms network". I'm pretty sure it was just for mood (and to be fair it is a cool track)

-you can hear vash's leitmotif at the beginning of "boy and vash". this is the part where vash is escorting rollo back to the village

-"cyborg" introduces a new 4-note pattern (0:07-0:14) that I'm calling the eye of michael leitmotif. if hearing this reminds you of episode 6 then you already understand what I mean

-"dud" has vash's leitmotif as well (2:20-2:59), which starts playing when vash is begging rollo to wake up after wolfwood kills him

-only a small part of "human subject" (0:25-0:35) is used for the final scene, right when the windmills start turning. using the EoM leitmotif as a sendoff to the empty village is. really haunting

EP6 (this is a long one I'm sorry): -the EoM leitmotif can be heard in "reborn" (0:09-0:14, but it's easier to hear in 0:26-0:30). this is the opening scene where wolfwood guns down the deserter

-they do reuse "worms network" when livio first opens fire on vash but that's more for mood in my opinion. you could say it hints at zazie monitoring the sand steamer though

-we're probably going to hear "the desert rogue" again when the bad lads gang shows up in a future episode, possibly with a new arrangement for brilliant dynamites neon (this is one of my personal favorite tracks actually. it's a shame they didn't get to use the whole thing because 0:45 to the end is really cool)

-"boyhood" contains the EoM leitmotif and it's very in-your-face in this song (1:15-2:19). in the episode itself the track gets cut at around 2:10, but in the OST the piano motif from "orphanage" can be heard one more time right at the end of the song at 2:18-2:20. which is an evil thing to do. anyway

-"nicholas the punisher" is an arrangement of "reality". let that sit for a second, maybe go listen to those two tracks or something.

okay so we can look at this in a few different ways:

-> the end of episode 3 is of course a reality check, supported by the corresponding track being titled "reality" (even though it's fabricated by nai: to suggest and then prove to the people of no man's land that vash is indeed deserving of the $$6mil bounty; and to tell vash that his presence will pose a threat to humans). you know who else is supposed to be* grounded in reality? the pragmatic nicholas d wolfwood, who's introduced at the start of episode 4 *tristamp wolfwood hasn't quite found his resolve yet, as shown by his hesitation when livio appears

-> in the scene where "nicholas the punisher" is heard, vash is insistent on rescuing livio while wolfwood pushes back and says it's too late for him. he's clearly wishing he wouldn't have to eliminate livio though, and with "reality" as the foundation of this song, it presents wolfwood's inner turmoil in a new way for the audience: vash, who is physically right there trying to persuade him that there's still hope for his brother, vs his role as "nicholas the punisher" in sound, in his mind, and the "reality" that developed along with it (death is/can be a mercy, and sometimes it's necessary to sacrifice one life to save many)

(I also want to add that while legato's dialogue shows he intended for the orphanage to be eliminated through livio's death, it seems wolfwood didn't even realize that killing livio would mean more kids would be taken by the EoM for experimentation. he thought he had to choose between livio or the children, but it was a "test" of loyalty; and legato was attempting to obtain said loyalty by force)

-> outside of the episode, if you were to just listen to this track within the OST it's very representative of his character. contrary to "undertaker", which is fairly laid-back and....honestly kind of playful (and equally reflective of wolfwood's personality, when he's relaxed), "nicholas the punisher" is a more somber and contemplative piece. the fact that it's built on "reality" already suggests that he's someone whose beliefs conflict with vash's; and even without knowing that, both of wolfwood's themes contrast with the energy of "vash the stampede" quite clearly (even if I personally don't consider that track to be vash's official theme, it's still associated with him). I think it's really interesting that vash, the quieter one, has more raucous songs while wolfwood, the one with a sharp tongue, has calmer tracks :)

you might be wondering if "orphanage" is in "nicholas the punisher" and the answer is......yes, but actually, no. but kinda if you're delusional like me. this little pattern from 0:29-0:42 in "orphanage" is found in the low brass from 0:57-1:11 in "nicholas the punisher" (although it's in a different key and has a slight variation in the 2nd half). it's not quite the same, but both phrases start by going down a half step, then down a P5 interval (D->C#->F# for "orphanage", F->E->A for "nicholas the punisher"). lastly the sand steamer's leitmotif (I guess) is also present but that's. obviously because this is happening on the sand steamer lol

-"whom to kill, whom to let live" is just a faster/more tense arrangement of "orphanage" with saxophone over it. starting at 1:07 you can hear the worms leitmotif (1:31-1:34 in "worms network")

I can't say whether or not legato is already represented in the OST because he's currently not associated with any unique tracks, but they might tie the dissonant saxophone passage from "irritation" to him. it's first heard when legato stops wolfwood from escaping the facility, and as far as I can remember it's not played anywhere else. if he plays a bigger role in the next season, which I'm sure he will, I'll be keeping an ear out for this x) (I only mention the sax thing because I don't think he's represented by the sax solo that plays in "whom to kill, whom to let live")

EP7: -a little more of "the desert rogue" is heard when the bad lads make their way onto the sand steamer but it's very hard to make out over the gang yelling in the background lmao

-we're treated to the entirety of "human subject", for the scene where livio briefly returns to himself. if you somehow weren't convinced that those repeated 4 notes had anything to do with the eye of michael, this is the last instance where it's heard: the moment livio's overcome by whatever brainwashing was used on him by the EoM

-I think most people associate "time left" with ep12 but it's first played in this episode and I believe that it was primarily composed with the ion cannon sequence in mind (though a majority of the tracks in the OST only play once for specific scenes, with some songs being cut short and getting different parts played across 2+ episodes. "irritation" and "human subject" are examples of this)

EP8: -this one's a little hard to hear because the 1st note is implied in the C drone but vash's leitmotif starts at around 0:09 in "complicity" and runs all the way to 1:06

-it's also in "home" (1:38-1:57), playing at the moment luida hands vash the red coat :)

EP9: -I've talked about this before but I really like that there's 4(?) measures of polyrhythm (2 or more differing rhythmic lines that are played within the same time signature) when vash joins in, before the brothers come together on the same even rhythm. you can see how vash's quarter-note pattern doesn't line up with nai's quarter-note triplets, and in fact, neither of them ever land or start together:

(for the sake of comprehension I wrote it out with a faster tempo to stretch the polyrhythm part over 8 bars instead of the slow tempo/4 bars. I'm not sure what the official tempo is. I think a sane person would write it at a faster tempo so that the part doesn't look stupidly cluttered but a good musician would be able to play it regardless. anyway-)

it sounds even more stilted because vash is playing on the offbeat. polyrhythm's such a great way to represent the brothers' relationship because it seems so chaotic but both lines are still in time together, following the same beats. they're so different but in the end they're still brothers who (are trying to) understand each other. and I love that vash is playing secondo, a more harmonic/supportive part, while knives has primo, where the melody/ornaments are. it says a lot about their personalities :')

since I don't know what the original sheet music looks like I can't say if this is true but you can hear that the plant song at 1:03 is played in octaves (2 notes that're the same pitch with one higher than the other). because of the nature of a duet, and the fact that this was played by the twins when they were little, the octaves were probably split between the parts. so vash was playing the lower octave of the plant song with his right hand, and nai played the upper octave with his left hand (we don't get to see this because it cuts to nai playing the song alone at that point). also: vash favors his right hand while nai favors his left

-now for something far less interesting: "last run" is a medley combining "ethics and morality", "compatriots", and "millions knives"

EP10: -"a cruel sight" seems to be unused. it was probably intended to lead into "bio-power reactor" in the scene where meryl and roberto meet elendira in the tank (given that it ends the same way "bio-power reactor" starts), but they cut it and just played a version of "bio-power reactor" without the melody

-elendira's themes ("elendira the crimsonnail" and "which is the monster?") seem to have some lyrics that're most audible in the beginning of the tracks but they're almost impossible to make out without some kind of editing software, which I don't have lol. they're already very quiet in the background and they echo, on top of sounding like they were put through autotune

also this is entering speculation territory but it makes me wonder if elendira's theme is going to evolve with her. we've seen some concept art with her having a more teenage appearance, so I think it'd be really cool if the vocals also changed accordingly

additionally she doesn't have the EoM leitmotif anywhere but she DOES have a proper 4-note chromatic pattern that descends from D in "which is the monster?" (1:32-1:35), which is the same note that the EoM leitmotif starts on. if we consider EoM's broken chromatic passage to represent the failed experiments, then elendira, with an actual chromatic passage in her theme, is a success

-"meryl's regrets" is ALSO an arrangement of "reality" :') this is the track that plays during roberto's final moment, which was. you know. the consequence of meryl running off in pursuit of the truth. the "reality" roberto had warned her about several times prior to episode 10. interestingly, while "nicholas the punisher" expands on the original track, "meryl's regrets" is a reduction--it's mostly just the baseline with some notes here and there. she doesn't have a theme yet, but 1:23-1:33 might be something we hear again if/when she gets a track associated with her

EP11: -"nicholas and meryl" is an arrangement of "boy and vash", with erhu echoing vash's leitmotif. I think it's a neat way to show through music that both of them are here because of vash :]

-the tracklist goes slightly out of order at this point for some reason. after "memory retrieval", "memory of geranium" is what plays in the final memory, when nai decapitates rem

EP12: -"memory of rem" is a combination of "childhood memories" and "memory of geranium". "childhood memories" is also found in "knives's piano", which is based on "duet". one fun way of interpreting this is that the "childhood memories" part of the duet is actually from rem, if she was the one who taught the twins how to play piano, which would make "duet" a musical representation of vash and nai's roots (pun intended. sorry). this also suggests nai misses rem, with how often he plays the piano, even if he thinks he hates her.

but "childhood memories" can also simply be seen as a theme that's associated with rem, nai, and vash's brief time together x)

-okay this is the part where I get to rant about "drain arm" because THIS SONG was literally the reason I decided I needed to rewatch stampede. I was listening to "drain arm" a couple weeks after the finale aired and I heard vash's leitmotif near the end and I was like "NO WAY!!!! HOW DID I MISS THAT"

as it turns out, it was cut from episode 12.

:)

not to worry though, I still have plenty to say about it. even if I'm a little disappointed. just. a little.

-> from 1:13-1:25, you can hear vash's leitmotif in the cello. this DID make it into the scene, and it plays when vash rises through the clouds

-> 2:44-3:10 is where some of the lyrics from vocal version of "millions knives" play: "remember how / we used to be / no turning back / sky's (skies??) falling down". although you can't actually hear the "remember how" in "drain arm" (at least not without blasting the song into your ears, which I don't recommend), it starts right when the image of vash and nai sitting in the geodome appears

-> we finally get the plant song at 3:36, when the condensed energy starts to leak out/charge. and then after it fires, but before nai dives into the beam, we hear "I still care for you" (3:44-3:52). and while it's originally from the vocal version of "millions knives", in the context of the scene I think it's a sentiment from both brothers: vash, who pleads for nai to let go and releases the energy away from him; and then knives, desperately reaching for the cube because he believes the success of his plan will ensure his family's (and especially his brother's) safety, the only ones he's ever cared about

in other words: plant song in cello = vash -> "I still care for you" -> continuation of plant song in low brass = knives. they're connected by this single sentence

-> knives's leitmotif (I didn't talk about it because it's only found in songs that signal his appearance, so it's really obvious, but yes he's got one of those) plays at 4:03 for the "nai is dead. you killed him" exchange

-> it goes back to a variation of the plant song at 4:29 (I LOVE the piano at 4:40-4:49 btw. it's so good. I could cry about it. probably)

if you've read my plant song analysis you might be wondering how to tell when it's being associated with the name millions knives instead of the plant race. since we know that a good chunk of the songs in the OST were written like a film score, the visual context (and/or the song titles themselves) can clue you in. "drain arm"'s use of the plant song is meant to highlight that vash and nai aren't human, so it's the latter

-> now here's the part that was removed, probably due to the runtime: vash's leitmotif in the cello again, from 5:03-5:09. if you revisit the part right before nai lets go of the cube, you'll hear that it skips these 6 seconds and goes straight to knives's theme ("but that's the plant song!" yes. we'll get to that in a sec). this missing bit right here?? fucks me up EVERY time. it's the most mournful his leitmotif has ever sounded, appropriately so, and it's absolutely criminal that it wasn't included. especially because knives's theme, the plant song melody, follows it up on violin as the cello continues to play a line in harmony.

and it's knives's theme because in this moment it's about him dying, not the plants. they spent a whole season tricking us into thinking that the plant song was knives's theme, and then they used it to send him off.

-> and then july city explodes o7

as much as I'd love to hear "drain arm" again for another chance to let the weight of vash's motif come through, I think it's too intertwined with this scene to be recycled. like. maaaaaaaybe they could use it for fifth moon if that's supposed to be the climax of the next part but they kinda?? already did the "fire a really big laser at the sky" thing? anyway yeah I'm totally normal about "drain arm". so normal

Extras: -the punisher and the double fangs have these cool sound effects when they transform and it kinda makes me think that their guns are built from lost tech, if the punisher's laser cannon wasn't evidence enough of this

-there's no equivalent of "sound life" in stampede, and I don't think there's going to be one. however, I do think that it would make a lot of sense if rem taught the boys how to play piano, because we could get something like:

-> rem asks vash about the plant song (the memory in ep12) -> she gives the boys piano lessons -> she helps them compose "duet"

-they didn't use "stampede out" for this season but I really hope we'll hear it in the next part. I know it's just a longer version of "escape" but it's a fun song :]

-this is. obvious but you can hear "gate" in "millions knives". no idea if they'll put "gate" into more songs, especially for vash now that he seems to have some control over it

-there's also something kinda fun with key signatures too: -> "millions knives" is in b minor -> vash's leitmotif is in d dorian (of course this changes depending on the key signature of whatever track it's used in) -> "undertaker" is also in d dorian -> I think songs associated with no man's land/humanity are usually in some dorian scale or specifically the key of a minor but this is solely based on jeneora rock since july city had its own unique theme so I'm not totally sure yet. "duet" is in a minor by the way -> "nicholas the punisher" is in d minor. if "undertaker" is tied to humanity (which is tied to vash) then "nicholas the punisher" is linked to the other side: knives, through the EoM. it adds another interesting layer to the contrast between wolfwood's two themes, but I don't consider this to hold any meaning lol -> I WILL say that b minor is the relative minor of D Major, so having knives and vash's songs be written in those keys was likely deliberate. and what makes it really interesting is that to get d dorian, you take a D Major scale and lower the 3rd and 7th notes by a half step

-I'm not 100% sure but I think plucked piano strings were used to create the low, scratchy string sound effect in some of the songs (one example is literally at the beginning of "irritation"). I think it's really cool that piano is everywhere in the soundtrack, but not necessarily by hitting the keys

-I am unbelievably excited for livio's/razlo's themes because they have the opportunity to do some REALLY COOL things with the music for them. we might not get them in part 2 (though I think we will) but whenever it happens I'll be so ready for it >:)

and that's all!! o(-< thank you for reading! if you actually took the time to go through all of this with the soundtrack pulled up, I'm. impressed. i think. anyway I'm a big fan of OSTs with strong storytelling and tristamp's OST is no exception :]

if you've got questions, feel free to ask ^^ I definitely didn't cover everything I just picked out whatever I thought was worth mentioning. which was uhhhh quite a bit x)

(also again if you're interested in reading the plant song analysis I did it's in the replies section of the notes 👍 I recommend reading it on a computer though)

[sunflowercider]

Speaking of getting used to new worlds, here's a handful of dumb things I think about when I think about Suho!Lloyd getting used to being in Lorasia:

There's no plumbing in your faux fantasy medieval world buddy. I imagine he stares grimly at the room's chamberpot the first day, and he tries not to think about the servants handling it other than making sure to compensate them WELL

Another no plumbing thing - no showers in Lorasia. Lloyd probably has no problem taking only baths for the rest of his life, but feels for the servants who have to draw up the water for him and then heat it up. When he learns how to make ice with the orcs I bet he immediately realizes he could also heat up his own water now too. One less task to make the servants do.

The novel actually briefly touches on this a few times but everything being horse powered mustve taking some getting used to. For one, everything is MUCH slower. It takes 15 days to get to Cremo, the city that used to technically preside over the Frontera barony. Lloyd loves getting things done quickly (though safely) so I bet he was pulling his hair out when he first realized that 30 miles would take a full day of travel. Additionally, it's much bumpier. Whether you're on a horse or in a carriage, there's not much cushioning.

It's much much quieter in Lorasia than Seoul. There's no cars or planes going by, there are far less people, and there's no background hum of electricity. I once drove across the US and pulled over in field in the middle of nowhere Nebraska. The silence was startling, but then became very soothing. And I grew up somewhere far smaller than Seoul. I imagine it probably felt the same for Lloyd - weird, then really nice.

Wanna work late? No electricity dude. You know our chronic all-nighter Lloyd would be SO irritated working by candlelight. Yall, candles are not that bright.

It wouldn't be difficult, but I bet it was odd getting used to the clothing. I don't mean the style, I mean that things like elastic and zippers would not be a thing. His pants are probably laced or buttoned together, tailored exactly to his size or with a belt. His shirt has those strings for the Style, but also because that's how you tighten the collar to fit. The underwear, my friends, is probably old school long undies.

Lloyd canonically misses the internet. Fair dude.

Thank goodness Lloyd gets a Title preventing anyone in Frontera from catching disease because I imagine the medicine in Lorasia at the time is. Bad. -thinks about cpsm-

Music is strictly live. No helpful tunes to listen to while you work - if you want music, you need to ask another human to play it for you. Lloyd can't sing worth a damn obviously, but he canonically hums quite a lot when he's pleased or working, so I bet he's a bit bummed there's nothing to hum along with.

I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting, but I just love thinking about the small ways that life is completely different for him, good and bad.

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

Hi!!! I’m here for some music rec 🫣 I’ve realised that I mostly listen to British singers or boy bands and as you know, they’re mostly male. 95% of the music I listen are male if I’m honest, probably even 98% and I was wondering if you could recommend me some artists. I listened to boygenious because of you so I know we can of have the same taste. Thank you 💕💕💕

ooooooh nice!!! ok here are some artists i love that do not fall into the category of male(-fronted). i've taken the liberty as well to add my fav song

the last dinner party (portrait of a dead girl)

paramore (let the flames begin + part II)

chappell roan (california)

ethel cain (a house in nebraska)

MUNA (stayaway)

if you love boygenius and you haven't checked their solo stuff, there is a treasure trove there (phoebe - i know the end / lucy - please stay / julien - favor)

wet leg (chaise longue)

lizzy mcalpine (doomsday)

camp cope (lost)

pale waves (change)

rachel chinouriri (if only)

fleetwood mac (very unknown super underrated.. lol i had to put them in here ofc) (rhiannon)

mitski (should've been me)

holly humberstone (lauren)

florence + the machine (queen of peace)

the cranberries (linger)

avril lavigne (i'm with you)

and then artists where i haven't dug deeper yet but love the songs i've heard, like arlo parks (devotion), L7 (pretend that we're dead), allison ponthier (faking my own death), eisley (a song for the birds) ............

that's a good mix of genres i'd say!! i hope you find some stuff in there that you like :)

[semperamans]

western nights

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hello all! this is my first time posting something i've written to tumblr in well over ten years. for context, i was a 1D writer back in the golden days. i don't quite know how to do anything on here now, so please offer me grace! i posted this story to ao3 (semperamans) a while ago and wanted to bring it here, too!

bones and all has become my new obsession, so, i hope you enjoy!

blood and gore implied, but it's not graphic! pining for one another but make it as obvious as possible. lee is a soft boy in this one. oc doesn't have a name, so could be read as self-insert but there are a few descriptors. didn't proofread, so be gentle with me.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

The summer sunlight, despite her weakening, danced upon the blacktop as the beat-up Chevy rambled eastbound. A sentimental sadness filled the cabin as a sweet-scented breeze carried the whisper of night across Lee’s cheeks. With the sky as his canvas, God himself must’ve hand-picked the clouds that raced over head. They were perfect. Toy Story clouds, Lee had called them. Who knew when he’d see them again?

Electric green numbers flickering on the dash declared that it was 8:15 in the diminutive town of Paxton, Nebraska, meaning that most everyone was tucked away in their single-story homes. The road, including the visible miles that stretched beyond, was nearly barren. There wasn’t much to look at in this part of the country, but the sun had a magical way of casting everything in gold. Every blade of grass shimmered. Every bird flapped auriferous wings. Every run-down John Deere seemed to emit a copper radiance. Lee was entranced. With his head hanging out of the open window, he watched as the sparse scenery barreled into view, then quickly disappeared. Tree bled into tree as the wind tangled his curls into tornado-like spirals. The ripping zephyr blasted against his eardrums, and he allowed himself to relish in the moments in between. He was with and without. He was in the truck’s cabin and soaring miles above with the whooping cranes. He was experiencing this moment in isolation, yet the girl sat inches away on the bench seat. This was Lee’s purgatory, served with the scent of wheat. After a while, the novelty began to wane. He pulled his head from the window.           

                    “Perfect timing,” the girl said. Lee only looked at her. Bathed in twilight’s orange and periwinkle luminosity, she was ethereal. Strands of her thin brown hair had fallen from the knot atop her head. The wispy strands cupped her cheeks in a way he wished he could. She peered over at him with a grin. “Listen.” Her long fingers splayed outward. The truck’s radio had two knobs, one for volume and the other for tuning. She fiddled with both of them momentarily, and then he heard it.

                  “Amarillo by morning,” George Strait crooned through the static. The girl furrowed her brows and shifted the dial to the right the slightest bit. The next line was clearer. “Up from San Antone.” She appeared pleased as she glanced at her passenger. Lee gave her a smile and began to sing along.

                  “Everything that I’ve got is just what I’ve got on.” Like all good Kentucky boys, the lilting wail of forlorn cowboys had been the soundtrack to Lee’s childhood. He had mentioned it to her once as they curled for warmth in the truck bed, their chattering teeth harmonizing with serenading cicadas and crickets. The girl’s battery-operated radio had lain between them, emitting staticky white noise for upwards of twenty minutes, when an unexpected voice came through. George Strait. Lee chuckled. His breath made a Toy Story cloud. He explained to the girl how this had been the song he had his first real slow dance to. Even with half her face tucked behind a blanket, Lee registered her disbelief. He smirked at her, eager to show his prowess, and up he jumped. The girl giggled, Lee turned the volume higher, and in the dim glow of the Chevy’s headlights, he demonstrated the way he had twirled and dipped and romanced his childhood flame.

                  “Amarillo by morning. Amarillo, I’ll be there.” He sang, reaching over to push the girl’s hair behind her ear.

Lee liked singing to her. Lee liked touching her. Lee liked her even though he knew he shouldn’t. Their kind didn’t make friends often. They couldn’t. Lee figured this out the hard way when he was venturing out on his own. He tried to ward her off. He met her friendly advances with cold shoulders and clipped responses, but it was no use. On their first night together, Lee fished pieces of Barry Cook from between his teeth, and he watched her every action. She was lithe and intentional. Lee caught himself grinning as she plucked records from Barry’s stand, belittling his choices and then begrudgingly admitting he had taste. Her eyebrows rose as she peered at Lee from over her shoulder. 

                  “Well, I wouldn’t know. But surely you can attest to that, yes?”

She was witty. By the end of the night, Lee had bitten the inside of his cheeks raw to keep from smiling.

                  “You can sleep with me in the bedroom.” She told him that night after ensuring that while she did bite, she wouldn’t take more than a nibble out of him. Lee didn’t respond. She blinked absently at him. “The couch is covered in jizz, and the recliner has springs that will go up your ass. So, it’s either the floor, or,” She took a running start, then flung herself onto the bed. It wobbled beneath her. Her smile stretched from ear to ear. “The waterbed.”

Lee couldn’t help himself. He propelled himself forward, bellyflopping onto the polyvinyl with a thwack. The girl laughed, then rolled onto her side to look at him. She didn’t say anything, not at first anyway. It wasn’t awkward. Not for Lee. He realized in that moment that he liked looking at her. She had freckles, quite a few of which concentrated primarily over the bridge of her nose. Her eyes reminded him of the lake back home—a shimmering blue green with a depth that made him nearly uncomfortable. Her hair, clean of grime and blood, hung in loose, wet spirals. Runny droplets raced down her arm. Lee dampened his lips.                

                  “You’re staring.” Her voice was melted chocolate. Lee wanted to drink it.

                  “So are you.”

Silence. Then,

                  “Can I draw you?”

Before Lee could answer, the girl had nearly toppled off the bed to grab her bag. She rummaged through it, making a pleased sound when she pulled a moleskin from the deep recesses. Lee still hadn’t given permission, and so she waited, blinking up at him expectantly.

                  “You can draw?”

                  “Sort of.”

Lee gave a curt nod, then watched as she etched his face onto a yellowed page. She was sort of a liar. She could do more than draw. She could create works of art. Watching her sketch quickly became his favorite past time. On long stretches of highway, he would gaze over frequently. She never failed to amaze him, often capturing the smallest of details that he had long forgotten, like the mole on the waitress's cheek or the glint in a toddler’s eye. Somewhere in Missouri, they stumbled upon a mom-and-pop art supply store. Lee, who was usually so good with their money, placed a box of colored pencils on the counter after the girl had vacated the aisles. Six dollars. They’d have to ration their meals, but the smile on her face was worth it.

He was falling in love with her.

He was lying to himself.

He was already in love with her.      

                  “Are you feeling okay?”

Lee could no longer hear George Strait’s voice. The song on the significantly quieter radio was a Patsy Cline classic. He’d gone quiet some time ago. The girl appeared concerned. With an easy grip on the large steering wheel, her eyes continuously darted from the road to his face.

                  “I’m fine.” Lee said. He ran a hand through his hair. “Tired.”

                  “There’s a state park entrance somewhere up the road. Weather is nice. You okay with sleeping in the truck bed?”

Night had fallen quickly. Gone was the golden brilliance of the day. Deep blues and blacks coated the void in isolation.

                  “Sounds good to me.”

Silence. The girl pulled into the left turn lane.

The meandering path, lit only by the Chevy’s headlights, felt as though it had been plucked from a horror story. It was impossible to see more than a few feet ahead, but the girl expertly guided the truck onward. They both knew that they were likely the scariest things in this part of the woods. As they ventured forward, Lee watched the lightning bugs littering the vast expanse of darkness overhead. They were mesmerizing, their somber glow churning the darkness. Lee couldn’t wait to settle in and watch them with the girl pressed against his side.

The gears whined as she put the truck in park. They had stumbled upon a meadow that Snow White herself would have felt right at home in. Flowering bushes bordered the expanse of mashed grass. Hordes of hooting owls and night birds nested in nearby trees, keeping them company as they prepared to bed down for the night.

As Lee fluffed their blankets and lined the truck bed, he watched the girl collect purple columbines. She had an affinity for flowers. There were quite a few detained in the pages of her journal, and even more hung on a strand of jute across the back window. There was something so whimsical about her, despite the griminess that came from life on the road. Lee found himself wondering how she had been as a child.

                  “Oh, I don’t really remember.” It was only after she spoke that he realized he had asked the question aloud. “Most of my childhood is a blur.” The pair had known each other for a week, and suddenly Lee realized they didn’t know each other much at all.

                  “Mine too.” He said, tossing their makeshift pillows atop the blankets. “I remember when my mom brought Kayla home, though. Best day of my life.”

The girl smiled. Like the flowers, she had planted herself on the moon-soaked ground. Her fingers were weaving the columbines together. Lee went on.

                  “She’s five years younger than me, but you wouldn’t be able to tell. The girl grows like a goddamn weed.” He let out a contented huff. “She was a tiny little thing back then, though. My mom said she was born too early.”

                  “Really?”

                  “Yeah.” Lee, who was leaning pieces of firewood together, nodded. “Mom thought I’d be upset because she wasn’t a boy, but I didn’t care. I was so fuckin’ excited.” He canted back on the vamps of his worn sneakers, evaluating his work. “I loved her so much. Right from the start.” He fished for the fire started lodged deep within his pockets. “My mom was in a car accident so the doctor prescribed her a bunch of pills. She slept a lot, so I took care of Kayla. She felt like she was mine from the very beginning.”

The girl didn’t speak. She couldn’t tell if the warmth she felt came from the fire now blazing before her or the power of Lee’s love for his baby sister. Regardless, it felt good. She had never been in the presence of such devotion.

                  “Kayla never cried, which was a blessing because our dad was a real piece of shit. He beat my ass more times than I could count for crying.” Lee’s blue eyes were awash in flame. “Kayla rarely did.” He pulled at a few strands of grass. “Girl is a fuckin’ mystery.”

                  “You made her feel safe.” The girl’s hushed voice was near silent beneath the popping wood. Lee turned to see that she had drawn her knees to her chest. The crown of columbines sat abandoned near her boot. Their eyes met. “She had no reason to cry. She had you.”

There was something buried in her sentence. It was a whisper wedged too far beneath the ground for Lee to grasp. The girl gave him a sad smile, propping her chin atop a kneecap.

                  “It was just me and my grandma growing up,” she said, picking her dirty fingernails. “We moved around a lot, because, you know.”

Lee could imagine, but he didn’t know, and he told her that. She was amazed. Had he not felt it since birth? Had he not had to battle the burn? The urge?

No. Lee told her that up until puberty, he was what anyone would have described as a clean-cut country boy, but at 16, he became the devil. The first was a girl from his neighborhood—a blonde who picked at Kayla until she bled. It happened suddenly. Lee had gone over to set things right. To ask her, as he had before, to leave his sister alone. Lee knew something bad was going to happen from the moment she opened the screen door. The breeze wafted her scent over him: perfume and lemon pledge. He wanted to get closer, and closer he came until suddenly he was bathed in crimson. Despite her deplorable actions, the blonde’s blood was sweeter than honeysuckle. Lee’s veins positively thrummed in delight as he took the life that had not belonged to him. The sin was second nature. The next kill was easier. Cleaner. More efficient. Unlike reaching second base or driving, Lee did not need a manual to learn this debaucherously sickening feat. It came naturally.

A flash of ire lit the girl’s electric blue eyes. How did he get away with it? Lee shrugged. It was too easy, really. In their neck of Kentucky, people disappeared often. Age-old adages of fathers leaving to get milk and never returning were true. The impoverished area was stricken with depression and drug addiction; no one cared, and no one accused Lee of any wrongdoing until...

The words became thick in his throat. Too dry. Too real. He was too close to the truth, which he simply could not face.

                  “I was seven.” The girl said. She must have sensed his trepidation but mentioned nothing of it. Lee had skidded to a stop, but the girl was slowly beginning. In a near-embarrassed murmur, she recounted her descent into what she called madness. It was a boy who lived next door. Her eyes fluttered shut. Lee knew she was drawing him. Reanimating his dead limbs. Filling his cavernous chest with stolen breaths. His hair was the color of the sand on a New York beach. His eyes were driftwood. He had been kind to her; he was the only one in class who didn’t stare with wide, judgmental eyes. “He cried.” She said it with open eyes. Nothing more came from her, and Lee knew she would not speak more of it, and he didn’t blame her.

                  “Come ‘ere.” He patted the cool metal of the tailgate, his rings clattering against the ridges. There was a moment of nothingness. Nothing appeared to move. Nothing stirred within her eyes. “S’okay.” His voice was even. Delicate. She turned her chin, contemplating him for a moment before ambling onto fawn-like legs. The crown of columbines dangled from her index finger as she neared.

As she came to a stop before him, he studied her face. Dusky plum circles ringed the delicate skin beneath her eyes. He wanted to run his thumbs over them. He wanted to brush the exhaustion from her features. Instead, he reached for her hand. It was a first. It was tip-toeing to the end of the diving board, and, blessedly, the girl chose to jump. Her hands were smoother and softer than Lee could have imagined. There was no biting this smile away. There was no tamping this feeling down.

                  “Let’s go to California.”

The girl’s eyebrows furrowed. Lee had been headed for Wyoming when they met. He wanted isolation and solitude; he had told her that. What had changed? Lee was honest.

                  “You.”

Lee wanted everything with her, but he wouldn’t say that yet. Maybe one day. In the meantime, he squeezed her hand. She was grinning at him in a way that made monarchs flutter within his gut.

                  “What do I have to do with California?” The girl placed the crown atop Lee’s greasy curls.

                  “You said you’ve never seen the West Coast. I think you’d like it.” It was the golden state, and she was a golden girl. He knew they’d make a lovely couple. The girl dropped her eyes, then pulled her hand away. With the fire’s warmth wrapping around her ankles, she moved closer to the flames. Lee traced her silhouette. He would never be an artist. Where she was creativity and beauty, he was destruction and brimstone. He would never be an artist, so he would brand this image into his mind. She smiled from over her shoulder.

                  “Can we be people in California?”

                  “People?”

                  "Mm," the girl said, turning to face him. “Get a place. Get jobs. We could just-” She hesitated, her eyes bouncing back and forth between his. “Be people.”

                  “Yeah.” Lee nodded. His smile was wide. “Let’s be people.”

[perspectivestarters]

Perspective's Sentence Starters; Preacher's Daughter by Ethel Cain (Part I)

TRIGGER WARNING: Violence, abuse, suicide, religious themes, ect.

FAMILY TREE (INTRO)

These crosses all over my body remind me of who I used to be.

Christ forgive these bones I'm hiding.

He cannot escape his mother's blood.

He'll never escape what he's made up of.

The fates already fucked me sideways.

You know I raised you bеtter than this.

Leavе me hanging so they all can laugh at me.

AMERICAN TEENAGER

Putting too much faith in the make-believe.

The neighbor's brother came home in a box.

He wanted to go, so maybe it was his fault.

Another red heart taken by the American dream.

I feel it there in the middle of the night.

I'm all alone again.

Say what you want, but say it like you mean it.

Just give it one more day, then you'rе done.

I do what I want.

I said it was fun.

I don't need anything from anyone.

It's just not my year.

I'm all good out here.

I'm sorry if I sound off, but I was probably wasted.

Didn't feel so good.

Head full of whiskey but I always deliver.

If you're listening, let me handle my liquor.

If you're there, why do I feel alone in this room with you?

I'm still standing here.

I do it for *Name*.

I'm doing what I want and damn, I'm doing it well.

A HOUSE IN NEBRASKA

Sing it to me all day long.

The aching sound of silence used to be our favorite song.

You and me against the world.

You were my man and I your girl.

We had nothing except each other.

You were my whole world.

I still call home that house in Nebraska.

We found each other on a dirty mattress on the second floor.

The world was empty, save you and I.

You left, and I cried.

Even if we died tonight, I'd die yours.

These dirt roads are empty.

Your mama calls me sometimes to see if I'm doing well.

Really I'd kill myself to hold you one more time.

It hurts to miss you.

It's worse to know that I'm the reason you won't come home.

I died there under you, every night, all night.

You know, I still wait at the edge of town, praying straight to God that maybe you’ll come back around.

I cry every day, and the bottles make it worse.

You were the only one I was never scared to tell I hurt.

I found photographs of our school, on the day we met.

I thought that you were so beautiful, it was love, I guess.

You might never come back home, and I may never sleep at night.

I just hope you're doing fine out there.

I just pray that you're all right.

I feel so alone.

I feel so alone without you.

WESTERN NIGHTS

He's never looked more beautiful.

I watched him show his love through shades of black and blue.

Show me how much I mean to you.

I'd hold the gun if you asked me to.

If you love me like you say you do, would you ask me to?

Trouble's always gonna find you baby. but so will I.

Hold me across every state line.

I'm never gonna leave you baby, even if you lose what's left of your mind.

'Cause you know I'll be right there beside you.

I haven't spoken to my daddy in a long, long time.

I don't want him to worry.

The neighborhood keeps getting smaller.

All starved out when the money's paper thin.

All that's left are your walls and you'll die there.

I should have known that there's no getting in.

I'll still be alright.

Clinging onto you like some love blind addict.

I'll be screaming your name.

Please don't love how I need you.

Know that one day, you and I could be okay.

FAMILY TREE

I'm just a child but I'm not above violence.

My mama raised me better than that.

Daddy said shoot first then run and don't look back.

Take me down to the river and bathe me clean.

I've killed before and I'll kill again.

Take the noose off, wrap it tight around my hand.

They say heaven hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Hell don't scare me, I've been times before.

HARD TIMES

Lay it on me.

Tell me a story about how it ends where you're still the good guy.

I hate this story.

Happiness ends and dies with you.

I thought good guys get to be happy.

I'm not happy.

I am poison in the water and unhappy.

I was too young to noticе that some types of love could bе bad.

I still do, and that scares me.

I'm tired of you.

It's just the way that you are.

I just wanna sleep.

[neos-schlond-poofa]

Resident Lover x Ethel Cain I

Which song fits each RL Character the best, and why? Only featuring songs from Preacher's Daughter; any other Ethel Cain albums and EPs will be in another post if I feel like it. And also, you don't need to know any Ethel Cain lore to get this post.

BELA DIMITRESCU: Sun Bleached Flies

Listening to the choir, so heartfelt, all singing God loves you, but not enough to save you

A song about one making peace with their fate; not so fitting for Bela, is it? The one love interest who never stops fighting for MC?

But what if the she's accepted that her fate is fight for MC. Her fate is to always be there for them, even when the universe tries to tear them apart, even when everything is utterly terrible. And all throughout the song, it is clear that what Ethel wants is just her lover back, just as Bela hopes to have a wonderful life with MC without the fear of Miranda ruining it all.

I'm still praying for that house in Nebraska By the highway, out on the edge of town

CASSANDRA DIMITRESCU: Gibson Girl

You wanna love me right now You wanna get alone with me

Arguably the hardest character to assign a song to, Cassandra is the Gibson Girl not due to the specific lyrical nature of the song, but the interpretation others have from it when listening to it without knowing its full story.

Those who don't know the story of Preacher's Daughter just believe this is a song about being hot and sexy and getting around. Just as some believe that is all there is to Cassandra. But truthfully, Gibson Girl is a dark song hidden behind the sound, with so much more to be read into than just "this song makes me feel so good." And like the song, there is so much more to Cass than just her looks and her relationships... she's her own character going through her own things who doesn't just want these small flings, she wants a relationship, she wants someone to love her.

Then I would show you something You can never have

DANIELA DIMITRESCU: Strangers

I tried to be good Am I no good?

The forgotten sister who just wants to the best version of herself as she can. The one who wants to please everyone even when she doesn't know how to. The one who has so much expectations put onto her.

This song, similar to Cassandra's, is a bit of a stretch, but I'm not basing it directly off the story, am I? Dani is Strangers as even in her darkest moments, she cares for others, even the ones who haven't been the best to her or the ones she has complex relationships with. It's as simple as that.

Found you just to tell you that I made it real far And that I never blamed you for loving me the way that you did

ALCINA DIMITRESCU: Televangelism

You see, this is hard, because there are no lyrics, so it really messes up the layout. However, I don't need lyrics for this. This song is all about Ethel's journey to the afterlife and her acceptance of such. And for Alcina, is appears she has just accepted her life to being one of Miranda's tools for getting MC back. She barely fights for herself or her daughters unless the player pushes for it.

ANGIE BENEVIENTO: American Teenager

Head full of whiskey but I always deliver Jesus, if you're listening let me handle my liquor

I promise I didn't just pick this song because of its mentions of alcohol. But Angie, out of all the members of the cast, is the most similar to American Teenager, even if she isn't American. Angie wants to have fun, she lives an idealized life where she parties every day and has little to worry about. Out of all the songs on the album, this is the happiest sounding one, but just like Angie, there are somber undertones to it.

Angie's life really isn't ideal. She's a doll. She can't go anywhere far or she will basically die in a weird, non-permanent way. Her life isn't all that great, and neither is the place that she lives in. Just as Ethel grew up with an amazing view of the world, only to realize it's not great and had been glamorized.

It's just not my year But I'm all good out here

DONNA BENEVIENTO: House in Nebraska

We had nothing except each other You were my whole world

A torch song. Fitting for Donna, who has gone through multiple timelines where her love is unrequited after a previous one where she experienced the happiest moments of her life.

At the core of this song is truly a sense of longing. Ethel misses her lover who left her before the events of the album. Time has passed, yet she can not accept that he is gone. As for Donna, years could have passed since her time with yet MC, yet she still loves them. She almost always remembers what they had and what they didn't. The pain both of them went through, but the love they still had for each other afterwards. The nights they had in the flower shop and the mornings they had waking each other up with kisses. And yet, it's gone. And Donna will never truly have that back due to the loop. She will never have her love. The person that helped her with her mental health and allowed for her to become an even braver person than she ever would've been before.

She's alone without MC. She has Angie, of course, but that's her niece. As for the Dimitrescu sisters, she isn't that close to them as she is with Angie, and Bela, with whom Donna has the closest relationship with out of them, will forever lose her trust in Donna. Alcina and Miranda aren't that great figures in her life either; MC was her light, and it was taken away from her. She understands she doesn't own MC, but she still wants them. She loves them so much and hates the thought of them being gone. But ultimately, she has to accept that there is no happy ending with MC.

But God, I just hope you're doing fine out there I just pray that you're all right

MOTHER MIRANDA: Ptolemaea

Heard you, saw you, felt you, gave you Need you, love you, love you, love you

Miranda is not a good person. In this case, she is not Ethel in the song. Ethel can easily be viewed as any other character in the game. Instead, Miranda is the haunting voice of Ethel's murderer. And while Miranda does not murder everyone in the game, she does ruin their lives for her own sake.

Miranda is the figure that harms everyone else. She manipulates them and makes sure none of them gets their happy ending with MC. She owns MC and she loves the idea of having a relationship with MC. Miranda has done so many terrible things just to have MC, who will truly never be in a happy relationship with Miranda. MC had no choice in what would happen to them, they have no choice in being in a relationship with Miranda, as even though they "choose" Miranda in her route, that is only after countless resets by Miranda to get MC for herself.

Run then, child You can't hide from me forever

MIA WINTERS: August Underground

Another song that ruins the layout. Mia might seem a bit of an odd choice to be included, but she is just as important as the other characters. However, that doesn't mean I have a good reasoning for her being this song. It's just an ominous, creepy song that matches up with Mia being crazy.

MC: Thoroughfare

And you said, "Hey, do you wanna see the west with me? 'Cause love's out there and I can't leave it be"

A long song dedicated to Ethel falling love with her ultimately doomed lover. What could be more fitting for MC? After all, to be loved by MC is to be doomed by the narrative. And that includes for MC.

MC will have the most passionate romances imaginable, but they mean nothing. They will always be taken away from them or end terribly, such as being murdered by their lover or watching them just leave for someone else. MC never even intends to fall in love, just as Ethel didn't mean to fall in love here, but they both did. And it seemed so amazing for the both of them. Just a wonderful moment of bliss that didn't last long.

'Cause in your pickup truck with all of your dumb luck Is the only place I think I'd ever wanna be

[writercole]

I Can Still Make Cheyenne

Squares: “I won’t stop you” @mfbingo // “I won’t leave you here” @supernatural-jackles tell me a story bingo

Summary: Rhett Abbot isn’t an easy man to love but when he’s about to lose everything, his head is finally clear.

Words: 930 Warnings: attempted breakup, fluff, implied smut Credits: @wildbornsiren who called me a monster and @princessmisery666 who threatened to fly down here // Unbeta’d // Based on the George Strait song ‘I Can Still Make Cheyenne’

A/N: I was called a monster when I announced this idea and, honestly, two paragraphs in, I believe I’m a monster. But it gets better and I feel much better at the end.

Tag lists are through. Please follow @coleslibrary and turn on notifications for updates.

Rhett Abbot was a difficult man to be with. He was closed off, quiet, and inconsistent. When he would be out on the road, he’d call sometimes but she never knew when, or what he’d say when she answered. 

He’d been gone for weeks now; she’d lost count. He hadn’t written once, had never called. She expected the worst, that a bull had finally gotten him. She wasn’t his wife so they wouldn’t have notified her. But when her phone rang at a quarter to nine, her heart leapt. 

“Hello?” she answered, a little excited, a little nervous. There was no telling who was even on the line.

“Hey, angel,” Rhett sighed.

“What’s wrong?” 

“It’s cold here,” he started, “I miss you. I’ve been so lonely. I didn’t make the short run so I’m coming home. I’ve been away far too long.”

Silence met his confession and he continued. “I know I haven’t written or called or anything but this rodeo has been hard. I’ll be home soon though.” 

“Don’t bother coming home,” she drawled. “I’m leaving, Rhett. I can’t do this anymore, the not knowing, the long rodeo season. I just…I can’t.”

“Is there someone else?” 

“Yes,” she whispered, “his name’s Bradley.”

“I’m sorry it’s come down to this,” he choked out, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I, uh, is there anything I can -”

“Rhett, no,” she interrupted, “just go finish your run. It’s only a couple more weeks in Nebraska and when you get back I’ll have found somewhere to live.”

“A couple weeks?” he questioned, hope filling his chest when she mentioned that she didn’t have anywhere else to live yet.

“Yeah, I mean, I haven’t gone out with Bradley yet so I ain’t moving in with him. I wasn’t sure what I wanted until I heard your voice tonight.”

“Listen, don’t make any decisions, I can still make it to Cheyenne tonight,” he begged. 

“Rhett, I don’t…” She trailed off when she heard a clattering sound, the sound of a distant door slamming. “Rhett?” she called, yelling when she didn’t get a response.

Rhett was already out in his truck, throwing gravel as he sped out of the parking lot, heading home to Wyoming. He was barely across the border in Nebraska and if he pushed it, he could make it home before midnight. He couldn’t lose her.

Rhett watched the minutes tick by on his dashboard clock, the only steady light in his truck. It was just past eleven thirty and he had about forty miles to go. He pressed the accelerator harder, praying his old Chevy would hold out until he turned in the driveway.

At eleven fifty-five, she was giving up. Another broken promise, another classic Rhett line that she’d fallen for. She switched off the lamp and started to make her way upstairs, stopping when a light flashed across the walls, illuminating the pictures before plunging them back into darkness.

Boots thudded up the front walk quickly, the pounding sounding like someone running as if their life depended on it. The front door swung open and Rhett appeared, his stetson teetering on his head as it swiveled around, looking for her. 

As soon as he spotted her silhouette on the stairs, he rushed over, scooping her into his arms and kissing her with a passion that left her weak, a passion she hadn’t felt in a long time. He broke away too soon, her lips still chasing after him as he backed up.

“I know I have taken you for granted and I’m so fucking sorry for that but please give me another chance. If you don’t want to, if you still want to leave, I won’t stop you but I’m done with the rodeo life. I’m done with leaving you behind. I already talked to the boss and quit. I’m not leaving you here. I ain’t going back on the road ever again,” he begged, his voice threatening to break as he spoke. 

Tears flowed down her cheeks at his promises, knowing that he meant them, that he wouldn’t break another promise again. She could feel it in the way his voice trembled, in the way his chest was still, in the way he clung to her like a lifeline.

“Rhett, all I ever wanted was to be your first choice. If you can promise me that, you can have me,” she told him, shrugging her shoulders in the dark.

“My first choice, my only choice. For the rest of my life,” he breathed out, pulling her into his chest as he tucked his head into her neck. 

She felt a wetness from his tears and held him tighter, cocking her head to the side when his words registered. “The rest of your life? Rhett Abbott, did you just propose to me in an apology?”

“Yes,” he sighed as he straightened, “I mean, no. I mean…no, that wasn’t a real proposal. But it’s coming. Soon.”

“You know I don’t need some fancy plan and some huge diamond, right?” 

“I know,” he smiled softly, “but I have a perfect idea in mind. Just trust me.”

“Okay.” Her arms wrapped around Rhett’s neck and she pressed herself against him, tilting her head back to look up at him. “Are we going to stand here on the stairs all night or are we going to go to bed?”

“Oh, we’re going to bed,” he chuckled as he swept her up bridal style. “We ain’t leaving that bed for several days, either.”

“You promise?”

“Angel, you won’t be able to walk when I’m done.”

[jewishzevran]

9 Ship Songs

I technically wasn't tagged by anyone specifically but @isayashai did a catch-all tag, and I'm finishing up a big project which means I'm getting back into the writing headspace, which inevitably means more Pippa/Fenris content. So let's rock and roll. If you want to listen to their ever-growing playlist, it's available here.

1. Sea Meets Earth // Fever Fever

Your skin touched my skin And I could feel the breaking of my cold, stone heart Was about to begin The moment that we Locked eyes

2. Fascination // Nat King Cole

It was fascination, I know Seeing you alone with the moonlight, above Then I touch your hand and next moment, I kiss you Fascination turned, to love

3. House a Habit // We Are the Guests

Wide open skies ahead Here's where I lay myself down and Wait till rivers rise up over my own head Oh please don't imagine a life without me at least not yet This house is a habit and it's lovely to live in it Comfort stirs inside my bed

4. She Knows // John Fullbright

Where could she go that I would not follow Leaving my sorrow behind She knows a thing or two about love She learned long before me The day is already done before it has begun She's the only one that commands the sun With her I will be She knows a thing or two about me

5. Stayaway // MUNA

No one ever told me leaving was the easy part I gotta stay away Leaving you was easy, now I gotta do what's hard I gotta stay away Any little misstep I'll be at your doorstep Talking 'bout forgiveness Giving you my heart back

6. Paperweight// Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk

Been up all night staring at you Wondering what's on your mind I've been this way with so many before But this feels like the first time And you want the sunrise to go back to bed And I want to make you laugh

7. About You Now // Meadowlark

All that it takes, one more chance Don't let our last kiss be our last Give me tonight and I'll show you I know everything changes I don't care where it takes us 'Cause I know how I feel about you now

8. Nebraska // Oh Wonder

Been to Nebraska, I've been to Rome I've walked the desert and swam below Climbed many mountains, traveled the skies I've been to Heaven, oh, how I've tried To get you out my mind but You're still home

9. Things Are Better // Tyler Lyle

You are my sunshine You are my red wine You are my reason to sing And if that day comes, when a song is not enough I will learn to paint

[maguro13-2]

Andy : I wonder if there's any of the food left? Hey, You got any of them can of beef or what?

Gina : Nope, but I do have some good tomato soup.

Andy : Good luck with Grilled cheese with that.

Gina : Well, this is all the food that we gathered but I did make tomato soup for grilled cheese.

Andy : You would think about grilled cheese, but didn't you think clearly about all the food.

Gina : I would like to have all the food and drinks that we serve today, but some or most of it is crap here in Japan.

Andy : Hey, do you know what we need something, a good old fashioned drink that isn't Blood or ketchup. Red sugary stuff from Nebraska. (calling out) Hey, Kool-Aid!

*SMASH+BOOM!*

Kool Aid as a Zombie : Oh-Yeah!

Gina : Oh my God! *screaming in horror*

*Alternate Take*

Gina : Where do we have some kind of food left here in Japan, but didn't you noticed, we could order take outs since we don't have any kind of SLOP in prison! And do you know why? EVERYBODY WANTS CHILI FRIES!!!

*Chili Fries is echoed*

*Wind Gusting+dillweed passing by*

Andy : Chili fries from where...?

Gina : I do mozzarella if you like me some Cinderella...

Andy : Of course, Cinderella would be nice of you if you would please tell me about-MY MOZZARELLA STICKS!

Gina : Yes, we do believe have Cheese sticks. But there's can of cream corn.

Andy : Cream corn, but I can't even eat that-SLOP! Where is all the food did you put it!?

Gina : I am so sorry, some pink puff turd ate all the food that we have left.

Andy : What pink puff that responsible eating all the food?

Gina : Well...*twiddle her thumbs*

*scene cuts to Kirby*

Andy : Alright, roundy food eater, where did you put all food in somewhere!? Fuuko! Get some extraction to give this little turd some slack!

Fuuko : I am Fuuko, I hadn't eaten everything since my body couldn't take it.

Andy : Really? Then who ate all of the--

*Stomach gurgling*

Andy : Was that you?

Fuuko : I only needed one to eat to stay lean and green, but I only needed to eat one a day. And look! Look at me! I am huge and looks like that I didn't gain proper weight because...

*stomach gurgling*

Fuuko : Oh crud.

Gina : *gasped in shock* YOU ATE ALL THE FOOD! How can you even think about...

*Cartoon SFX :Quack*

Gina : Are those your thighs?

Fuuko : Yeah...I am so sorry for what I've did. I thought I needed an appetizer, but it happened during cartoon logic, did not think that I would be this much of over my size.

Gina : So then...what's gonna happen to your's?

Fuuko : And then I'll...I'll...

Gina : You'll what, Fuuko? What are you trying to do with those thighs in your glucose levels?

Fuuko : ...I'll blow up.

Andy : Wait, blow yourself up from your thighs?! Are you crazy!? The fu-

*DBZ SFX : Loud Explosions*

*later in heaven*

Gina :I told you about eating all the stuff that we had left for the whole group and you didn't listen.

Fuuko : I said I was sorry...I didn't mean to eat all the food there is!

Gina : Well...You have officially read my mind...THANKS TO YOU, WE'LL NEVER EAT ANYTHING FORM YOU AGAIN!

*Again is echoed*

*Imaginary scenario ends*

Gina : And I warned you two, I got all the food that you needed to feed yourselves, make your lunch, go do anything about your business, and whatever you do, do not touch my desserts from last year's birthday at the cheesecake factory, but if I see you two doing things recklessly at my place, you'll be costing me a lot. Anyways, I'm off to my date, no hickeys! *door closes*

Fuuko : Wanna go grabbed a couple of cold ones, can of root beers that we brought from the store?

Andy : You know it! *fist bump*

Fuuko : Let's try something different this time, club sandwiches on us!

Andy : This idea makes so much sense!

Fuuko : Agree!

[idlestxrs]

Western Nights (Part 1) | Spike Spiegel x Reader

Genre : Angst, Romance, Runaway

Warning(s) : Swearing, Violence, Stalking, Blood, Kidnapping.

Summary : You’re on the run from your small town. Freeing yourself of your religious cult, or so you thought as you caught news they were hunting after you. As you’re on your escape, you run into Spike Spiegel, and once push led to shove you knew you’d never be the same.

Note : This is somewhat inspired by Ethel Cain’s album, Preacher’s Daughter. However it won’t follow that story, just the religious aspects of it. I suggest giving it a listen! It’s a masterpiece.

You had been on the run for what seemed like forever. Long enough to have made it from Nebraska to Texas. Gas stations were your best friend. Only the ones with showers for travelers. You had been saving up money for over a year now to make this bold move, and paying for a stay in a hotel would’ve zapped it all in 3 days.

You found a train station that had tickets straight to California. That’s where you always wanted to go, but the ticket would cost half of your money. Being left with $100 to survive on after getting there didn’t sound very…appealing or manageable. Then again after phoning your friend Nathanial and finding out that people from that cult were hunting you down and planned on hanging you upon bringing you back there, sounded a lot less appealing.

You bit the bullet. “One ticket to California please.” You asked the lady in the booth. You coughed up the money. “The next train won’t be here until 10:30 tonight toots.” The lady spoke, her voice was raspy probably due to all the cigarettes she smoked.

You looked up at the clock…it was only 12:00 in the afternoon. You groaned as you sat down in the lobby with the few belongings you brought with you. You sat back on the wooden bench seating, staring at the grey, cracked ceiling. The place had dim florescent lighting, in reality the sun beaming through the windows did more than the lights themselves.

You couldn’t help but find a strange sense of serenity in it, and sighed. The feeling of being alone was scary yet satisfying at the same time. Nobody to tell you who you should be, but nobody to tell you everything is going to be ok either. Except yourself. You learned a lot about yourself on this journey so far. After everything you’d been through, finally felt content with yourself despite being totally alone. Sure there were people hunting you down, but they always thought you wanted to go to Florida. If anything they’d just lead themselves on the complete opposite end of the country and give up. You realized you could be a lot smarter than what you gave yourself credit for.

Your thoughts eventually blurred together leading you to feel drowsy, passing out on your bag next to you. You weren’t sure how much time went by before getting woken up by a poke on the shoulder. A man with messy black, green tinted hair stood in front of you. As you looked around, you noticed the place had suddenly filled up. Your eyes got a glimpse of the clock…2:00, dammit. You sat up and grabbed your bag, yawning. “Good nap?” The man asked with a slight smile on his face. “Decent.” You responded through another yawn. The man chuckled and spoke once again. “Mind if I take this seat next to you?” You sat your bag on the floor beside you, allowing him to sit. “Not like you had any other options.” You replied, giggling a bit yourself. He shrugged and sat down next to you. “There were some other options, but you seemed like the most pleasant person to sit next to.” He smiled and looked over at you. “So where are you headed?” He inquired. “Somewhere.” You responded dully. You weren’t sure why he’d come be so friendly with you, but your paranoia spiked in this moment. You didn’t want to risk anything at all.

He raised an eyebrow at your response. “Well…I’m headed to California. On my journey to the west! My name’s Spike, by the way. Spike Spiegel.” He shot you a big smile. You smiled back at him. “Y/N. I’m headed to California too.” You weren’t sure why you told him that. Your paranoid mind told you no, but something in your gut spoke for you. He seemed trustworthy. He’d find out you were going to the same place when you boarded the train anyway, so it really didn’t matter if you’d told him or not. Might as well be friendly.

“You know…our train doesn’t get here for another 7 hours.” He said with the hint of an idea in his voice. You hadn’t even realized you both had been talking for an hour straight. “Why don’t we go to the café downtown? It’s only about a 10 minute walk there.” Spike suggested. “Why not. It’s better than sitting and staring at the wall.” You sighed and stood up. As you both walked for the door, Spike sped up and opened it for you. “After you.” He said with cheesy grin on his face. “What a gentleman.” You weren’t as amused as he was, and all he did was laugh. “So, what set your sights on California?” Spike asked you as you both were walking down the brick sidewalk of the small down. Small business to window shop in littered the path to the Cafe, and it was times like these you wish you had more money. “To get away from my small town back in Nebraska.” Spike raised his eyebrow at your response. “Too small of a town for your liking or what?” He inquired. “To get away from the religion I was brought up in. It was cultish and there really wasn’t any other way out then to get shunned out of town, or get murdered before you got shunned. I’d been planning this for years.” You take a deep breath before letting out a deep sigh. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you all of this. I just met you.” You stared at the ground, a feeling of guilt washing over you for suddenly dumping all this on the stranger who was starting to feel like less of one. A look of concern washed over Spike’s face. “Don’t apologize, really! If everyone in your town is like that I doubt you’ve really had the chance to get any of this off your chest to anyone without the fear of it coming back to bite you in the ass later.” He paused for a second, then suddenly his concern turned into shock. “Okay so wait. You ran all the way here to Texas from Nebraska?” All you did was nod, gesturing towards your backpack. “Wow...you’re a really strong willed person. I admire that.” He grinned. For the first time in your life, you felt like someone actually meant what they said about you. For you, and not some fake persona you put up to survive. “I really appreciate that.” Your voice seeped of a deep feeling of gratitude. You smiled back at him, and right after that you were walking up a small set of steps. You had made it to the Cafe. “After you.” Spike held the door open for you again. “Thanks.” You smiled at him again as you walked in. “Spike! It’s great to see you again!” The girl standing in front of the cash register shouted. It made you feel a lot more at ease about Spike considering people in the community liked him. Normally that would be a bad thing. Preacher’s usually were held to high esteem back in your town but were the most evil people in the town, but Spike was obviously a free spirited person. Free spirits that are well-liked are typically amazing people, or whatever that book you read back at home said. “Tabitha!” Spike called out. “Always a pleasure to see you too.” He smiled. “I’ll just get my usual. And whatever my new friend here wants.” He motioned to you and pointed at the menu. “I’ll just get the plain black coffee. It’s cheaper.” You spoke to the bubbly girl taking your order. “Don’t worry about the price, it’s on me.” Spike spoke up. “No. I appreciate it but I’ll pay for my own.” You attempted to convince him, but it really wasn’t any use. “You worked so hard to get here. At the very least you deserve whatever coffee you want. I’ve got plenty of money right now. I insist” He wasn’t going to give this up. “Fine I’ll get the cinnamon latte.” You quietly spoke. “Now that’s more like it.” He gave his signature cheesy grin and a thumbs up. You’d known him for what...4 hours now? Yet you already were familiar with one of his expressions. You’ve always loved cinnamon. It was a flavor that brought a strange sense of comfort to you, and you really needed comfort more than ever. As you both sat down at a table to wait on your coffee, your paranoia was rising for some reason at this moment, and it was written all over your face. “Everything okay?” Spike questioned. He read you like a book. “One thing I didn’t mention is I got word that people from my town were looking for me. I’m just nervous they’ll somehow follow my trail and find me. Apparently they want me dead.” You whispered. He nodded in understanding, and nothing could’ve prepared you for his next words. “Even if they do find you, I won’t let them take you. Trust me.” He looked serious about this. “I might not know you that well yet, but I’ll be damned if I miss the chance to get to know you better. Not only that, but I won’t allow you to go back there to die when you’ve only just started living.” You felt a weird sense of relief somewhat wash over you. You were still on alert, but his words made you feel safe. “I...wow. Thank you, if you really do mean that I’ll make sure I pay you back for this someday.” He chuckled at your response. “You wanna know how you can pay me back, yeah? Live and enjoy your life once you’re free from all this. That’s the only payment I need.”  As Tabitha brought your coffee and you sipped on it, the mixture of the taste of cinnamon and Spike’s words made your eyes sting with tears. Your parents always warned you about strangers, claiming anyone not in the religion was trouble. If Spike was trouble, then trouble you’d get yourself into. The bell ringing from the door of the cafe interrupted your thoughts. A woman in all white, wearing a golden cross necklace walked in. Standing next to a man in a white suit, wearing the same necklace. You felt yourself get nauseous. You stared into Spike’s eyes with panic. “What’s u-” You cut him off by shushing him. “They’re looking for me. I know them.” You whispered in a panic. Luckily where you were both sat, you weren’t immediately visible upon walking in. “What do we do?” You were clearly shaken up, not really able to think. “Do you trust me?“ Spike whispered. You didn’t totally trust him yet, but it was either trust him or risk using your own thinking, which wasn’t really rational right now. “Yes.” You responded, and he nodded. He stood up, throwing his coat over him and motioning you to stand in next to him. He untied a string and it dropped the rest of the jacket. Was this guy a spy or something? It covered your legs, and he pulled you in close to him. You were hidden by just a piece of fabric in a dream. You prayed this would go well, but quickly realized how ironic that thought was. “Hey Tabitha! I’m ready for my shift. Where should I hang my coat up?“ You saw Spike wink, and Tabitha got the hint. “Just take it in the back!” She responded, as she then greeted the two people you desperately were trying to avoid. Spike walked into the back and left you back there as he put an apron on, making sure he blended into the role until they left. He gave you a brief hug and whispered, “It’ll be okay,” before walking back up into the front. You awkwardly sat in the back as you eavesdropped. “Have either of you seen this person on the side of this milk carton? This is my cousin.” The posh lady spoke up. You knew she was talking about you. “I haven’t. I’m so sorry.” Tabitha spoke up. “Well, someone saw them come in here today...” The posh man spoke up. “We asked someone, and they swore up and down...” He was gritting his teeth. “Well I hate to break it to you, but even if this person was here today, they’re gone by now.” Spike had a stern tone in his voice. “And you won’t speak to us like that.” You heard the two looking for you gasp. “Who are you to speak to us in such a fashion?” The woman spoke. “The same person who’s kicking you out of this cafe for talking to us the same way. Scram.” Spike demanded. You heard Tabitha gasp. You hated not being able to see what was going on up there. “You’ll learn not to speak to us like that again boy.” The man spat. “Go ahead and pull the trigger. We’ll see what God thinks of that.” Spike retorted. You felt sick to your stomach hearing a gun got pulled. “Let’s see who meets him first.” You peeked and saw Spike holding a gun to the man now. It was a stand off. “What’s the sour face for?” Spike taunted. “Do it. I fucking dare you.” Right before the man fired his gun, Spike ducked and popped back up, putting a bullet between the man’s eyes. The woman with him screamed. Luckily for them, nobody else was in the cafe. She bolted out of the cafe and a car screeched down the road. “The coast is clear.” Spike called out to you. Tabitha was locking up the cafe doors. “We’ll need to clean this up somehow.” Her breathing was all over the place. It was as intriguing to you as it was odd that Spike was calm. Blood was all over the floor. After what felt like hours of cleaning, there was no sight blood had even been here. Tabitha said she “knew a guy” who could take care of the body for them, and so you and Spike made your way back to the train station. “How were you so calm during all of that?” You blurted out. “Inside I was a nervous wreck, I just know how to not show it.” Spike sighed. “In reality I’m still shaken up too, but hey. Better him than you, right?” He patted you on the back. One hour was left until the train would be arriving. You had fallen asleep again, Spike allowing you to use his shoulder as a pillow. The nap was short-lived however, Spike was waking you up. “Hey, it’s time to board the train. Sit next to me, yeah?” He smiled. You weren’t going to leave his side now. He just killed for you. It would be downright cruel to tell him no. He let you sit on the inside next to the window. It was dark out, but you still stared out of the window at all the dimly lit sights. “Hey...I’ve got a question for you.” Spike broke the silence. “What is it?” You turned around and looked at him. “Wanna go see the west with me?” He smiled at you as he asked. “I’m not exactly sure what you mean.” You responded awkwardly. “What I mean is why not come travel with me? Stick by each other’s side, you know? After everything that happened today, something doesn’t feel right making this train ride the last time we see each other.” He looked down at the floor for a minute before looking back up at you, staring into your eyes. Your shaken up mind was screaming no, but your heart and gut were telling you to accept his offer. After a life of listening to your mind, it was time to start listening to your gut and your heart. Those were the things that gave you the nerve to run away in the first place. If you listened to your mind, you’d still be in Nebraska. You nodded as you spoke, not breaking eye contact with the man who had proven himself to you as someone you could trust. I mean, come on. He did just kill someone for you. “I agree. I can’t imagine this just being some one off moment with a stranger after everything that just...happened.” He smiled, not one of his cheesy ones, but a soft one. “I’m glad to hear that. I’m looking forward to getting to know you even more.” You both stared into each other’s eyes for a few seconds longer before chuckling awkwardly, turning to look back out of the window. You felt yourself getting sleepy, and as your head fell back to your seat, Spike caught you with his arm, gently moving you to lean against his shoulder instead. Eventually he let out a yawn, his head resting on top of yours as you both fell asleep on the train ride to California. After two days of travel, Spike was once again waking you up. You’d finally arrived in California. You sprung awake in excitement and held onto Spike’s arm. You didn’t really seem to realize you’d been doing it, and he didn’t really seem to mind, so you both walked off the train like this. “We’re actually here I can’t believe it!” You squealed. Spike led you both to a place to rent a car, then soon after pulled up to a hotel. After checking in, you both went up to your room. Two queen sized beds and finally some good air conditioning. You hadn’t slept on a bed in weeks, but you were too excited to sleep right now. “Can we go and explore?” You asked him. He happily nodded and you both ran out into the town, admiring all the city lights. However the part of you that explored back home kicked in and managed to find a quiet spot on a trail. You sat down, and Spike sat next to you. Staring up at the stars. “Look at those starts, it’s like they make a rose.” You were in awe at how pretty the sky was here too, just like back at home. “That one looks like a lion.” Spike chuckled. You both sat and admired the stars for hours, talking about whatever came to mind. Neither of you knew when it happened, but Spike’s arm was around you and you were leaning into him. “I finally feel like I’m living.” You sighed out in a relived and content way. “That’s what I like to hear.” He pulled you into him a little closer and you both kept soaking in the beautiful night sky above you.

[bexreadstoomuch]

Magic Man - Chapter 11

After Winning your local Battle of The Bands competition, you don’t realise it’s your old school crush’s band that’ll you’ll be supporting for the next 4 months. Can you put the past behind you and forgive?

It's time for the new years eve party, buckle in - let go have some fun!

NSFW — slow burn, fluff, flirting, reader has weight/image issues light angst, 18+ overall for eventual smut, drug/alcohol mention/use/language, angst, smut, fingering, confessions of attraction, EddiemunsonxReaderHenderson

A/N - So it says eventual smut, and the smut has arrived, it's only slight here, warning are above. This chapter also contains one of my favourite Scorpions songs - Still Loving You! I hope you enjoy

Masterlist Part 11/? [wc 6.1k] a/n - please please like, share and comment, your comments make me so happy and encourage me to write more! thank you <3

11 - Still Loving You

Sitting at the window of your motel room, you watch the snow slowly falling covering the parking lot out front in a blanket of crisp white snow.

Arriving early couldn't have been timed more perfectly, as you were expecting a large cold front and even the possibility of a blizzard here in Nebraska.

Looking across at the venue across the street, your face is illuminated by the blue neon sign of the motel, hiding the blush that was rising in your cheeks at the memory of Eddie's hands on you only a few hours earlier.

“please promise me, I'll see you tonight after the show for the party? So we can speak some more?” his words echoed in your head. Of course you’d see him, you were not going to miss out on this. 

Of course you were still worried that he wasn’t being fully truthful but you had promised Dustin you would give Eddie a chance.

“Listen y/n, Eddie was in bits after that night, kept asking me why you weren’t around anymore, I’d never seen him like that before” Dustin had explained to you back at christmas in the garage.

 “He kept asking about you every single day, I never even saw him get mad, he just went quiet after a while. Once he finally graduated, he packed up his stuff and moved out of Hawkins. I didn't know where he was going, but I heard a rumour he’d gone to California, I don't know maybe in hopes to find you”

The show had gone amazingly, you kept seeing Eddie on the side of the stage watching you closely with a smile plastered on his face, watching his eyes roaming over your body. When you'd notice him doing this you would bluff a few notes, causing him to stifle a laugh and mouth “sorry” in your direction.

Laughing to yourself you get up from your position in the window making your way to the shared bathroom to grab a shower. Upon returning to the room, Lula comes bounding in with a large bag with a logo you don't recognise. 

“OK don't get mad, but we got you something for tonight” Lula places the bag on the bed between them, tipping it upside down letting the contents cascade all over the bed.

Your eyes went wide at the sight. All you could see was a sea of black. Black Leather and cloth, and the glint of silver.

“What is all this?” you look up at your friend confused.

“So Gareth may have spilled the beans to me about what happened at thanksgiving and tonight with Eddie - please don't get mad” Lula throws her hands in the air seeing the shocked look on your face.

“So with that in mind, I was saving this for your birthday, but I thought tonight would be better,” Lula explains, picking up a few pieces to flatten them out.

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing and seeing.

“Lula, im, WOW, i mean look at these, they are beautiful but i'll look ridiculous in this” you say holding up the leather jacket which you now see is encrusted with small silver diamontes.

“Now remember what we told you before we left for this tour? No self doubting y/n, you are gorgeous and beautiful inside and out and we are gonna to show Eddie what he's been missing all these years,” Lula had made her way around to you, hands on your shoulders looking you dead in the eye. “You got this?” She may be small but she can be intimidating when she wants to be.

“Yes, YES, ok let's do this” you beam back at her. “Where's Jack anyway?” you ask 

“I don't know, she said she had some stuff to do after the show but would see us later back at the venue for the party”

Jack had been disappearing more so recently after shows, coming back to the bus in the early hours. She didn't think you’d both noticed but you had. You know not to question her about it. Like when she came out to you both it was on her terms, she told you when she was ready. And that's the rules you've taken ever since, Jack will tell you something when she is ready.

After about an hour or so of Lula backcombing your hair, applying more mousse and hairspray to your head, that it would even make Harrington jealous, you were starting to get really nervous, and she could see it. 

Squeezing your shoulder from behind you Lula gives a small smile and nod. That's the great thing about true friendships, you don't need to say much, and they will know what you need.

After applying your makeup it was time for your outfit. 

Lula had hung it up ready for you in the bathroom to get changed into while she finished off her own makeup.

Closing the bathroom door behind you you looked at the outfit hanging there and your body was awash with self doubt.

Thought came flooding into your mind of all the things that could go wrong. The pants wouldn't do up, even worse they would split.

You thought back to what Lula had said “we are going to show Eddie what he's been missing all these years”

Taking a deep breath you set upon getting dressed, trying your best to get those negative thoughts out of your head. 

This isn't just for Eddie this is also for you! You deserve this!

“LULA WHAT THE FUCK?” you shouted pulling the bathroom door open brandishing the bag in front of you.

“Oh yeah that, well you never know” lula trailed off raising her eyebrows up and you going back to the mirror to do her makeup.

“How do you know it’ll fit?” you ask annoyingly.

“Don't worry we know your sizes and made sure it would - you'll look amazing”

You shook your head at your friend making your way back into the bathroom, to examine the bag again. Inside were a set of black lace and ribbon bras and panties.

Putting it against your body you wouldn't believe you were going to do it, but you promised her.

Once your outfit was on, you couldn't stop moving your hands up and down your thighs, across your stomach, all the areas you hated. 

Taking a deep breath you make your way out of the bathroom, your new heeled boots clacking across the tiled floor.

“OMG Y/N you look amazing! He's gonna die!”

Looking at yourself in the full size mirror you start to feel a sense of power come across you. The outfit made you feel powerful, like you could take on the world.

You take in the leather trousers which are encrusted with stars made up of diamantes which matched the leather jacket which covered your torso which was in a tight black Harley Davidson tee, with a double buckled belt.

Lula had retired her plaid and vans for the evening and opted for a short little black dress, fishnet tights and borrowed your dr martens boots.

“Lula, aren't you going to be cold when it's snowing?” you express your concern looking at her outfit.

“Oh I'm not worried, hopefully someone can warm me up later” she giggled.

“Oh you are gross!” you laugh back at her. She had expressed that her and Gareth haven't gone all the way yet and she was hoping tonight could be the night. Looking like she did, I'm sure it’d be hard for him to say no.

Making your way over to the venue to get more and more nervous, walking a few steps behind Lula trying to take as much time as you could. Maybe thinking that if you walked slow enough you wouldn't have to go.

“Y/N, come on whats up?” Lula calls over her shoulder, noticing you behind her.

“What if it happens again?” you say in an almost whisper, “what if it's like halloween again? I mean look at me!” your hands gesturing across your body.

“Honey, it’ll all be ok, Eddie wants you to be there, he’ll be next to you, and if he doesn't he’ll have me to answer to ok?” She tries to reassure you, but you cannot push the daunting feeling away.

You nod slightly taking in what she was saying, you trusted her. It was everyone else you didn't.

Walking back into the venue, you see the room now transformed ready for the new year. Slivers of multicoloured foils hanging from the ceiling, lights flashing between different colours and the music so loud you could feel it vibrating in your feet.

Looking around you recognise a few people from Wyatts team back in California, over at the bar, he waves over to you both to join him, Jack already in conversation with him.

“Hello Ladies, you both look wonderful” Wyatt gushes, tipping his hat to the both of you.

“As do you Wyatt” Lula comments 

“So ladies, I wanted to have a quick chat with you before the party gets into full swing. I've been chatting with the boys and they are in agreement with me. This tour so far has been a triumph and once it's over, me and the team would love to sign you to add to our label, join the team! What do you say?” 

You all must have had the same look on your face as Wyatt quickly says “no need to rush to a decision now, but let me know as soon as you can ok?”

You all nod, watching Waytt turn and walk away back to the rest of his team.

“Oh my god what just happened?” you say exasperated grabbing both the girls arms.  

“I think we did it, we finally did it” Jack quickly responds.

“What do we do?” Lula asks, looking at you with a worried look.

“We say yes right?” you answer.

You're all looking between each other and slowly all nod in agreement.

No more words were needed between you all, this was it, you made it. Your only concern was you'd be on the same label as Eddie, no doubt working together, was this such a good idea?

You must have willed him into existence thinking of him, because as you turned around so your back was against the edge of the bar, he walked in the rest of the band in tow.

Tight black jeans, chains, black boots and a black sequined shirt, ludicrously open very low exposing his chest tattoos, with a chain dangling around his neck which you noticed had a pick attached. You wonder if this is the same one from high school he always had on.

You notice him scanning the room as though looking for someone, and as soon as your eyes meet, you notice him let out a breath, looking up and down at your body, raising his eyebrows in awe. This alone was making your cheeks heat up. 

He looks flawless, and there was that knot in your stomach again, making you shift your weight from side to side.

Your heart sank as you saw the band disperse but Kelly appeared next to him in a tight corset style black top with a long skirt attached, a large split going up one side. He must have noticed this in your face as he leaned over to Kelly whispering something to her, which must have not been good as she had a face of thunder as she stormed off.

Eddie looked back over to you with a look on his face as thought he was apologising on her behalf. Making his way over towards you, you were feeling hotter with every step he took.

“Hey sweetheart, you look, just wow, you look amazing” Eddie extends a hand out to you which you slowly take letting him spin you around so he can look at the rest of the outfit.

“Where have you been hiding this?” he asks you, his voice seemingly deeper than usual.

“Lula got it for me, early birthday present” you quickly respond looking down trying to hide your embarrassment.

Eddie's hand suddenly whips up, taking your chin with his thumb and pointer figure, tilting your head to look at me.

“No need to be shy sweetheart, you look beautfiul”

His words made your heart hurt, you always thought people were saying things like this just to make you feel better but never meant it. This must have been showing on your face, giving you away as he moved his hand from your chin to your cheek giving it a gentle rub with his thumb, leaning in close to your ear.

“I mean it y/n - i've always thought you were beautiful” Eddie's voice was soft and full of sincerity.

Your breath hitched in your chest when he said this. Taken aback by his honesty, you blurted out “I always thought you were too”

Eddie let out a little chuckle moving his hands to your waist guiding you towards the bar. “Ladies, how about you?” he asked Jack and Lula. You had completely forgotten they were still standing next to you, completely lost in Eddie.

“Thanks Eddie but were ok, i'm going to go find Gareth” Lula tells you both, making her way past you, whispering to you as she past “It’ll be ok y/n, you got this, don't forget he's got me to answer to if he hurts you again”

You give her a nod as you watch her glide across the room straight into Gareth's waiting arms, placing herself in his lap, on some of the leather chairs that were dotted around the room.

“You want shots again, or are you going to take it slow this time?” Eddie is asking you as you watch your friend leave, and noticing Jack was now missing too.

“Oh sorry” you quickly turn back around facing him “No, ermm, can i have a cranberry and vodka please?”

Eddie learns over the bar and orders your drinks. You feel awkward standing there. You feel like everyone is looking at you. Judging you. Talking about you.

“Y/n? You ok?” Eddie's voice from behind you makes you jump back to reality, standing there with a beer in one hand and your drink in the other.

“Shall we sit?” He tilts his head over to an empty booth area of seats.

Nodding you follow him to the secluded area and sit down opposite him, hands clasped tightly around your glass, knuckles almost going white.

Looking up you see Eddie's hand also tight around the bottle he was holding.

“I'm glad you came tonight” he says breaking the silence between you “I should of done this a long time ago”

“I spoke to Dustin over Christmas, he saw the letter you gave me and explained things to me, but I don't know what to believe. I was a mess that night, I felt so hurt, I felt small, I felt foolish. Foolish for thinking someone like you would like someone like me.” you thought if you never said it now you never would, taking a large gulp of your drink feeling the alcohol burn down your throat.

Leaning forward in the booth taking a drink from his beer Eddie have a defeating sigh “I thought you wouldn’t want to been seen with someone like me - like I said this afternoon I was an idiot teenager who didn’t know any better”

He reached a hand over the table between you reaching for one of your hands. You looked down at his heavily ringed open hand for a moment debating whether to take it or not.

You slowly extend your towards him, allowing him to encase his large hand around yours.

“Eddie, why did you react the way you did when you first saw us back in California?” You asked him with worry. You had been wondering this for sometime, not really wanting to know the answer.

“Oh that, well, I really don’t know” Eddie's grip on your hand becomes tighter and he searches for an answer lowering his head as though ashamed 

“I regret how I acted, I was a complete fool, you no doubt thought I was being some pompous rock star” he laughed the last few works trying to lighten the moment

“But I think it was the shock of seeing you after so long, you looked breathtaking standing there and I was afraid I was mess things up again”

You watched him try and explain himself, watched his eyes searching your face for forgiveness. Lowing your eyes you watch him adam’s apple bob in his throat and he swallows trying to find the words.

You didn’t say anything, just looked back at him moving your free hand to cover his that’s encased around your other hand.

“I’ll be right back” Eddie says as he moves out of the booth making his way over to the DJ booth. You watch him point to something behind the man and have a quick conversation and nodding between them both. 

Watching him make his way back over to your booth you see the man behind the desk place a record on the deck moving the needle carefully into place.

You instantly recognise the first chords of the song now playing over the speakers. It was the song Eddie was playing this afternoon when you saw him playing alone.

Scorpions - Still Loving You 

“Will you dance with me?” Eddie's voice is low as he extends a hand out waiting for you to accept it.

Taking a moment to consider your options you throw caution to the wind, shifting out of your jacket leaving it in the booth you stand taking Eddie's hand in yours letting him lead you to the dance floor.

Pulling you tightly towards him he placed both hands on your hips giving you no choice but to place your arms around his neck under his hair.

He let out a little noise from the bottom of his throat at the feeling of your hands on the back of his neck.

“How did you know?” You asked him looking up at him as he swayed with you to the music 

“Know what?” He looks down at you with a small crooked smile.

“This song, it’s my favourite, you were playing it this afternoon weren’t you?” You replied, questioning him.

“Ah well that would be telling, but I have my ways of finding things out” he learned forward pressing his forehead against yours.

The knot in your stomach was growing tighter, you felt like you had hundreds of eyes on you. You thought you could hear people talking about you.

Suddenly you felt the room was spinning, you felt your breathing get rapid, you were starting to panic, eyes darting around the room. 

You felt something on your face, snapping you back into reality you could see Eddie's face still in front of you, one hand still on your hip the other on your face.

“It’s ok y/n it’s ok, you're worrying again aren't you? Just breathe it’s all ok, I’m here I’m not going anywhere” His voice was calming, and soothing. You felt yourself settling again. 

“Eddie I feel such a fool” you lean your head into his chest fitting perfectly under his chin, which he rested on your head.

He didn’t say anything, just held you tight while still moving with the music.

He lifted your head of face him, wrapping his arms tightly around you, leaned into the side of your head and sang long with the song to you,

“If we'd go again, All the way from the start, I would try to change,Things that killed our love. Yes, I've hurt your pride, And I know what you've been through, You should give me a chance, This can't be the end, I’m still loving you”

For a split moment you meet his large brown eyes seeing them full of all the emotions he was trying to express. the knot in your stomach had gone, you felt calm and in control.

Wrapping your arms quickly around his neck again you pulled him down to you crashing your lips together in a hungry kiss.

No one else mattered but you both. You felt like you were the only people in that room for a moment. It was peaceful. Eddie responds with the same hunger, grazing his tongue over your bottom lip asking for access. The kiss was more intense than the one you shared this afternoon, both of you fighting for dominance over the other.

Breaking away from the kiss for only a moment you stared intently at each  other.

“I meant what I said this afternoon, I’m so sorry about what happened, but please let me show you how sorry I am” The tip of Eddie’s nose touches yours as he brings his face in closer again to capture your lips.

Letting your guard down you let out a small moan escape your mouth as he kissed you with more ferocity.

His hands moved from waist down to hips letting his thumbs graze your sides. You could feel his fingers slipping underneath your tee so his fingers could trace your skin.

The song was coming to an end, but you didn't want this to end. Eddie's hands still on your sides he pulls you closer, bringing your hips close against him.

He moves a hand up to tuck some of your hair behind your ear and whisper “follow me”

Your feet had a mind of its own to follow Eddie's command willingly. Passing the guests in the party you see a few faces looking at you with confusion, whispering to the person next to them. Your stomach sinks, and you abruptly stop, your arm stretching out, as Eddie still had hold of it.

Looking around he looks at your concern, slowly making his way abc to you.

“Are you ok doll?” His voice was full of concern.

“Everyone is staring Eds” you answer so quietly it was barely a whisper.

“It's ok, look at me” Eddie's hands are now on your shoulder, turning to face him. “Focus on me ok? Let's get out of here, get some air?”

You quickly nod your head and you allow him again to lead you out of the venue. 

To your surprise you're standing outside beside Bertha. Eddies reach into his pocket and bring out a key unlocking the door.

“How do you have a key for Bertha?” you ask

“Bertha?” his head spins around looking at you amused.

“Yeah she's called Bertha, we thought it was a good name, she's sturdy, albeit a little unreliable” 

Eddie just chuckles at this explanation going back to opening the bus doors.

“Lula gave me a spare key at the bar before just incase” he explains walking up the bus steps pulling you with him.

You’ll be having words with Lula later about that. Everyone seems to be talking about the pair of you, except to you.

“It's nice in here, homely” Eddie remarks looking around, touching the wooden panels on the walls and making his way to the bunks at the back, sitting down on the bottom.

“Yeah Lulas folks helped us set it all up, they're great” you say as you kick off your boots into the corner and grab your blanket wrapping it around you sitting next to him on the edge of the bed.

“Y/n?” Eddie's voice is quiet, his hands move back to your face, bringing it to meet his.

You could barely respond to him as he crashed his lips into yours again. You felt his tongue graze your bottom lip asking for entrance again and you oblige.

Your hands moved from their position in your lap wrapped in your blanket to rest on his jean clad thigh. Feeling your hand on him he pulled away from the kiss leaving you wanting more. He slowly moves so he's facing you ducking slightly so he doesnt hit his head on the bunk above. You move yourself from the edge of the bed moving in further as to give him more room next to you. Seeing what you were doing he dove across so he was now positioned above you.

“Is this ok?” he asks tenderly, looking at you for reassurance.

“Yes” you whisper to him, leaving all inhibitions behind you, reaching up, grabbing him around his neck, pulling him into you to kiss him once more. 

Your both breathless moans, and messy wet heated kisses. He moves his lips from yours, moving his way to your neck, leaving hot kisses in places you didn't know could make you feel this good.

His hands started to roam your body, tracing down your arms and you tense up when he reaches your stomach. Feeling you he stops looking up at you.

“Are you ok y/n? I don't want us to do anything that you're uncomfortable with, we can stop and I can just walk away” Eddies says, looking at you reassuringly.

“No, no please dont stop, its just….. just , oh god, now I feel stupid” you shuffle form underneath him bring your knees up to your chest, hugging your arms around them.

“Sweetheart, I know what you're gonna say, and please, don't worry. I think you're beautiful and I want to show you how beautiful you are, will you let me?” Eddie inches back towards you, placing his ring clad hands on yours.

“You're not just saying that? You mean it? I've had people say these things to me, just because they can then brag they've been with a Fat girl, and, and” your starting to feel your body shake as tears start to form in your eyes. 

Eddie's hand flew up to catch the tear before it fell, wiping it away.

“Please sweetheart, I'm not that type of person. I see you for you, nothing else. Like I said before, I see before me a beautiful, talented woman. A woman who can belt out a song like I've never heard before. You have no idea how long I've dreamt of kissing you, feeling you in my arms, holding you, I was an idiot in school, I wish I had told you sooner, helped protect you from those who would hurt you, will you let me?” You had waited for Eddie to say something like this to you all those years ago.

Unfolding your arms from your legs, you crawl your way closer to him. Leaning in to the side of his face you whisper in his ear “show me, please”

Without another word Eddie dove at you, pinning you beneath him to  continue the assault on your neck. Hands roaming down your sides squeezing your hips making his way down grazing your thighs. His kisses become more heated on your neck, biting down slightly, making you moan at this touch.

His hands tugging at the bottom of your shirt, he makes his way under grazing his hands up your torso, the coldness of his rings causing goosebumps to form. He grazes the underside of your bra feeling the lace under his fingers. 

“What's this?” he comments breathlessly from his position in your neck.

“Another gift from Lula, she said to me ‘you’ll never know’” you stifle a giggle.

“Can I see?” you nod as you lift your frame helping him raise the tee above your head revealing your ribbon and lace bra, your breasts heaving over the top threatening to spill.

“Oh my god doll, you're gorgeous” Eddie's mouth moves quickly from your neck to lick across the peaks of your breasts making you involuntarily hitch your hips up. Feeling this you feel him smirk upon your skin and move himself so he is positioned between your legs.

“If you want me to stop, you need to tell me ok? Do you know the traffic light code?” he asks you quickly, face flush, hair wild. 

You nod, which he raised his eyebrows at.

“Don't forget, green is carry on, amber is slow down and red is stop ok?” he makes sure you remember, you nod again.

“I need you to use your words sweetheart” 

“Yes, Eddie” you reply, raising your hips towards him again to reiterate your answer.

“Good girl” his voice was an almost growl as he dove back towards your chest, nipping and sucking at your skin causing you to throw your head back letting out a small moan.

Eddie would continue to ask you if it was ok for everything you did and you answered promptly gaining more praise from him.

Hands roaming each other, you reach down to the buttons on his shirt, opening them up and pushing the shirt off his shoulders.

Your hands stoke down his chest to one of his pierced nipples, asking him “when did you get these?” 

“When I left Hawkins for California, you like them?” his answer muffled from between your breasts.

“Yeah I do, a lot” your fingers grazing over the bar, causing Eddie to let out a guttural moan, the feeling vibrating through you.

Moving his hand down lower to feel him undoing the buttons on your leather trousers, asking for entry. “This ok?” he asks.

“Green, please Eddie” you reply breathlessly looking down at his position now between your legs.

Eddie's hand pulls down the zip and gestures for you to lift your hips to help him pull down your leather pants.

“Oh wow, I'm gonna have to thank Lula when I see her next” he says, kissing his way across your inner thighs.

Before you could respond you feel him tracing his fingers across the frilly edge of your panties, continuing to kiss closer to your warm core making you squirm.

“Oh doll, keep still, you have no idea how long i've dreamt of this” Eddies voice is full of want

“Me to Eds, please… don't stop” you encourage him by tracing your arms up and down his bare arms.

“Don't forget, traffic lights” With that you feel eddies fingers move to rest above your clothed heat finding your small wanting bud beneath, rubbing slowly in small circles. This action caused you to cry out a small moan. 

“Eddie please dont stop” you reached for his free hand beside you bringing it to your covered breasts helping him manoeuvre the fabric down exposing yourself to him.

“My god y/n your so beautiful” Eddie moans as his hand massages your large breast tracing over your nipples making you gasp.

His other hand doesn’t slow down rubbing tighter circles on your now swollen bud.

“You have no idea what you're doing to me doll, can I feel you?” Eddie looks up at you from under hooded eyes.

“Yes, yes please” your stutter your words out to him 

“So polite for me” Eddie grins up at you as he moves his hand under the waistline of your black lace panties moving lover to your folds. Moving his body back up your body you feel his cold rings against your hot skin sending a jolting sensation up your body.

Eddie places kisses against your skin making his way to your now heaving breasts quickly taking your nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it, as he pushes his fingers through your warm folds at the same time.

“You're so wet for me sweetheart, let me look after you, like you deserve” Eddie's voice was a low growl full of lust. 

Your head feeling all fuzzy from the sensations you were feeling just nodded, making Eddie stop.

“Your words doll, don’t forget” 

“Yes Eddie, please I want you too, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time too, please” you hurriedly said, thrusting your hips up into his waiting hand.

“Good girl, my good girl” Eddie growled as he continued his cruel pace on your swollen bud. 

His girl. His words sent your head spinning, lifting your hips to match his movements, wanting more. You could feel a coil in your stomach getting tighter and tighter with every move he made.

Stopping suddenly, Eddie makes his way up your body capturing your lips with his, reaching for the straps of your bra to manoeuvre it down completely. He looks at you with a silent question, eyebrows raised.

“Green, please green” your voice breathless.

Eddie is quick to remove your bra completely, moving his lips down to capture your nipples in his mouth sucking and licking, making you make noises you never knew you could.

Your hands move around his neck pulling at the nape of his neck letting him know you want more, pulling him toward your face. Moving a hand back down to your soaked panties he pushes them to the side tracing a finger up and down you, causing you to mewl.

“Can I feel you? I want to feel you wrapped around my fingers” Eddie asks seductively, not leaving your gaze.

“Yes, please I want to feel you, I want to come around your fingers Eddie please” you are practically pleading him at this point.

This was all the encouragement he needed, slowly pushing a digit inside of you causing you to moan loudly, pressing your forehead against Eddies, rutting your hips upwards matching this pace.

Dragging his finger slowly in and out of you, teasing you was torture, you wanted more. He must be reading your mind as he inserted another digit, slightly curling upwards hitting the spongy spot deep inside, manoeuvring his thumb to rubbing your clit quite vigorously.

You shut your eyes tight leaning your head back at the feeling of him pumping his fingers in and out of you, the coil was starting to get tighter in your lower stomach and Eddie could tell.

“Are you close y/n?” Eddie asks as he feels you getting tighter around his fingers, the moans and whimpers coming from your mouth encouraging him in speeding his pace up a little, making your legs start to shake.

“Y.. ye…yes” you could barely speak, concentrating on the feeling in your lower stomach thinking you might explode. No one had ever made you feel like this before.

Eddie learns down capturing your lips in an open mouthed kiss, tongue fighting for possession once more. Moaning into the kiss you try to find your words.

“Eddie please, i'm gonna come” you were now panting holding onto his shoulders tightly.

“Let go sweetheart, come for me” Eddie's tone was desperate, encouraging you.

With that, you could see stars behind your eyes as you came with so much ferocity, your legs were trembling, making Eddie grab one with his free hand stroking your leg to calm your muscles down. Pressing his forehead against your you open your eyes to meet his large chocolate brown ones. A smile spread across his face, one which you shyly returned.

As he pulls his fingers out of your aching centre, you sigh at the empty feeling, clenching around nothing.

Sitting up to reposition himself next to you he suddenly hits the top of his head on the bunk above.

“Jesus H CHRIST!” his curses rubbing his head with his hand, squeezing his eyes closed tight at the sudden pain.

“Eds you ok?” you sit up moving close to him, taking his face in your hands checking him over.

“Yeah, yeah I'll be good” he chuckles look back at you.

“That was err, that was amazing y/n, are you ok?” he's looking at you with concern on his face.

“Yes Eddie im more than ok, i just never thought we would do anything like this” you now sitting pulling the blanket back around you feeling exposed sitting there in just your now ruined panties.

“Well I hope we can do this again and maybe more?” he asks shly rubbing the back of his neck.

“I'd like that yeah”  you learn forward giving him a soft kiss on his soft lips.

“We should get back to the party, people will wonder where we’ve gone '' Eddie gets up, reaching out a hand to help you up, passing you your clothes.

“Eddie, can I ask you a favour? Can we not tell anyone what happened here? Maybe keep this quiet for a bit? I don't want to rush things too much” You felt foolish saying this considering only a few moments ago he had given you the best orgasam you've ever had.

“Of course doll, anything you need, just as long as I can kiss you at midnight?” wrapping his large arms around you pulling you close you giggled nodding at this request, leaning into his warm chest.

A/N - We finally got there, BUT how's Y/N gonna feel? Hope you enjoyed

tag list - @corrodedcoffincumslut @themrsmunson @emmalee-01  @bohemianrhapsody86 @jennk182

[dollestte]

A House In Nebraska: My Thoughts ౨ৎ

This song, by Ethel Cain, has undoubtedly been one of my favorites since early last year. Although it isn't exactly the most popular off the album it's on, Preacher's Daughter, it's definitely still the one I've listened to and liked the most. Now, with that being said, let's continue!

First off, I'd like to thank Hayden for giving me an opportunity to cry the most I ever have in one night, all to this song. If you're out there, you're amazing and I love you. Special mention goes to @ddepressedbookworm for introducing me to this impactful album. Okay, enough dilly-dallying, let's go.

The song starts with some, frankly, insane piano. It's dark and gloomy, setting the atmosphere for the rest of this seven-minute song. Hayden uses many past tenses in the lyrics, allowing us to visualize the impact of Ethel's lover leaving her.

These lines of the chorus, "Where the world was empty, save you and I/Where you came and I laughed and you left and I cried" really resonate with me. The fact that Ethel's misses her lover Willoughby Tucker (canon name) so much is just so insane to me because I've felt that before. Again, this song really hits me hard.

Skipping the next few verses of this very very slow song, we have the bridge/ending. I suggest you read the entire last two verses as I will NOT be quoting them here (it's too long). However, I will never fail to emphasise these lines "And you might never come back home, and I may never sleep at night/But God I just hope you're doing fine out there, I just pray that you're alright" I'm genuinely so hurt by this.

It's so awfully good because Willoughby isn't going to see Ethel again, but Ethel still hopes he's doing well. That is so painful, as a listener, to hear.

Overall, if you didn't want to read all that yapping, I rate the song a solid 98/100- the first time I heard it, I genuinely shed tears of pure anguish. I know a lot of people wouldn't do the same, but it's just my personal opinion, please respect that!

Once again, thank you for reading! I love all my devoted followers. Even if you're not my follower. Maybe I don't love you then.

Xoxo,

iz ౨ৎ

[backburnerdio]

OC Kiss Week – Day 2 Food

WIP: Time Borrowed Pairing: Beau & Garnet cw: Language, romance Words: 2357 Tag List: @irnalia, @waysofink, @ashen-crest, @spacetimewraithwrites,@dustylovelyrun, @idreamonpaper, @abalonetea, @jaimistoryteller, @kaiusvnoir, @writeouswriter, @reininginthefirewriting, @concealeddarkness13, @winterandwords (Used the Time Borrowed taglist, please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed from this event or the main taglist)

It had been a week since Garnet’s suspension and Beau found himself oddly excited to see him again. He didn’t know why. He kept fidgeting with the safety belt in Valetta’s hatchback, idly watching traffic as they zipped across town.

“You know, Beau, if you don’t wanna go over to Garnet’s, I don’t mind keeping you another week.” Valetta offered, lowering the music.

“I’m okay,” he nodded, turning his attention to her.

“You sure? You look kinda nervous.”

“No, I’m okay. I want to see him.”

“Yeah?” She grinned going strangely quiet before slowing them into the turning lane. “You know what he’d probably like? Some Pączki.”

Beau took a moment to identify what that was. “Donuts?”

“Ooh, yeah, no.” Valetta grimaced as they pulled into the bakery parking lot. “Cops eat donuts, Garnet eats Pączki. But between you and me, they’re the same thing. Just kinda like donuts on steroids.” She pulled them around to the drive-thru and was asked to wait to place her order. Valetta’s car was small, perfect for the way she zipped around traffic, but she was even smaller. She half pulled herself up into the window to be able to see out, drumming fingers on the door.

“Valetta?”

“Yep?” She twisted around to look at him, bottom lip pouting as she played with one of her piercings.

“How long have you known Garnet?”

“Ooy, uh, lemme think,” she sat back in her seat, staring out the windshield in thought. “Shit, I guess twelve years now. Couldn’t stand him at first. Kinda became friends out of sheerly trying to piss each other off.”

“Can I take your order?” A voice from a speaker asked, whipping her back around. It wasn’t the answer he expected. Of course, he knew Garnet was exclusively friendly. Valetta, Ryker, and Nebraska were the only ones Beau had only ever seen him kind towards. But it made him smile.

There’s a chance.

“I tell him all the time he’s too damn mean, but eventually he’ll give it up and be nice. You just gotta give it back to him. Don’t let him scare you.”

“He doesn’t scare me.”

“Tough guy now, huh?” Valetta playfully punched his shoulder, rolling them up to the window to be handed a paper sack. She bumped her wristband to their terminal before driving away. “Here, you hold these. But listen, for real, if at any point he annoys you and you need a ride or a place to stay, just let me know. I got you.”

“Thank you, Valetta.” He stopped playing with the safety belt, focusing on keeping the Pączki warm instead. It wasn't long before Valetta pulled them up to the curb of the apartments to park.

“Want me to go up with you?”

“No, no, I should be fine. I know which one it is.” He was careful not to drop the bag, getting out to get his bookbag from the back seat. “Thanks again for the ride.”

“Don’t mention it,” she leaned over, offering a fist. Beau reached in, gently bumping it with his own. “And, hey, don’t tell Garnet I bought those. He’ll be mad at me for spending money.”

“Are you not supposed to spend money?” Beau frowned.

“No, no, just Garnet thinks I shouldn’t spend money on him. Because, you know, I have a tattoo and piercing habit. Just, yeah, do me a favor and don’t mention it was me.”

“Okay,” Beau agreed, beginning to step away when he remembered something, “Oh! Lora really wants to go see that new murder mystery movie, but she’s too scared to go by herself. She says movies like that make her feel like she’s going to get killed in the parking lot. You should ask her out.” Valetta stared at him, brown cheeks catching a red tint as she gaped. “Okay, goodnight!” Beau hurried to the stairs, making it all the way up to Garnet’s floor before he saw Valetta’s car pull away from the curb.

He hoped she would take her.

The excitement he’d had in the car became something acidic without explanation. But it wasn’t fear. He wasn’t afraid of Garnet– had never been. Beau just kept thinking why Garnet wasn’t at work, that it had been over what happened with Bryant –because of Beau. When Garnet had brought him back after the scuffle and taken him to his SoulMedic appointment, Beau had hoped they really were friends.

But after being suspended, he wondered if Garnet regretted it now.

He paused outside the apartment door, cradling the Pączki, listening to the thrum of music coming from inside the apartment. What if Garnet hadn’t been serious about still having him over? What if it had been some type of sarcasm Beau didn’t get?

Well, I can’t eat these, and they can’t go to waste. He stared down at the bag and knocked on the door. After a while, when there was no answer, he figured Garnet couldn’t hear over the music and started to knock again when the gate was pulled open.

Garnet stood there in sweatpants, his usual defensive scowl easing into surprise as he scanned Beau over. “Oh, hey,” he answered, leaning out to check the hallway. Beau was momentarily distracted by the strange markings on Garnet’s skin, black segments running down his middle, designs covering one shoulder that spread to the elbow, his other arm wrapped in solid bands.

Garnet has tattoos too.

“I didn’t know you were gonna be here this early,” Garnet cut himself off as he checked his wristband, cursing lowly, “Oh, wait, I didn’t realize what time it was.”

“Should I come back later?” Beau offered.

“No, uh, no. It’s fine, I just…” He shifted his weight in the doorway, slightly pulling the door to behind him. Beau had never seen him fidget, drumming fingers on the trim as he glanced at the ground. It made it difficult for Beau not to smile.

He’s nervous too.

“Okay, I’m just gonna be honest with you, I, uh, I have no idea what I’m doing. Okay?”

“Okay.” Beau agreed.

“So, I was gonna…” he paused again, scowling before waving him in, “You know what? Fuck it. Lemme just show you.” Bumping the door open he led Beau inside, locking the door and hurrying past him. “I don’t know if you’ve ever tried reading an instruction manual, but you can’t judge me. This is a judge-free zone, and criticism isn’t allowed.” He paused at the end of the foyer, scratching at the side of his head.

Beau followed him in and stopped, thankful his gyroscopic systems acted as a safety net. Along the windowed walls that made up the back of the den, a tiered tower of shelves stood, complete with an overhead lamp. Some of the shelves weren’t attached, still on the floor spread around Garnet’s work area. But Beau didn’t miss the potted plant sitting on the top shelf.

“Okay, so, listen,” Garnet’s voice came through, having stepped into the kitchen to turn off the music. He hurried over, scrambling to explain himself. “Okay, no, don’t freak out. Nothing’s wrong with it. Okay? I’ve just never really had plants, you know? And I know, with how the rotation works, you spend more time elsewhere than you do here. That’s like, what? Five weeks gone compared to one week here. So, I was doing some research, and it’s winter, so I know it’s not getting enough sunlight, so I got a light for it.

“And then I needed something to put the light on, and it looked stupid on the coffee table –and I got to thinking, what if you end up with your own place? You’ll need something for it, right? So, I found this stand, and figured if you ever wanted, you’d have room for more plants.” Garnet stood by it, turning on the light to display. He made a little ‘ta-da’ motion before stepping aside. There was a moment his hands shuffled about awkwardly, fumbling to find he didn’t have pockets and instead hooked them on his hips.

Beau could only stare. Even from where he stood, he could see the flowering plant was already sprouting new growth since the last time he’d been there.

Garnet has been taking care of it.

“Oh, fuck,” Garnet hissed, dodging around the couch as he hurried over. “I’m sorry, Beau. It’s okay. Look, if you don’t like it, that’s fine. I can use it for like… I dunno, something. You don’t have to like it.”

“I like it,” he got himself to say, still staring.

“You’re a shit liar. Okay? I can see those lines on your face. I know you don’t like it.”

“I do like it.” He defended, reaching up to absently feel his cheek. The stress lines were back.

“Seriously, you’re not gonna hurt my feelings or anything. I didn’t even ask your opinion of it. I can take it back—”

Beau acted before he could finish, reaching for the nape of Garnet’s neck to pull him down for their lips to meet. Garnet tensed, exhaling as if he’d been punched in the gut, grabbing at Beau’s sleeve. It was approximately .29 seconds after the fact Beau realized what he’d done. He instantly wanted to collapse in on himself and disappear.

Only Garnet didn’t pull away. His other hand pressed to the side of Beau’s neck, sliding beneath the collar of his racer jacket and further to thread fingertips into his hair. The hand on his sleeve fisted the material, his turn to pull Beau closer. It caused Beau’s processes to kick into overdrive, trying to keep up with all the sensations and define what was happening.

He blinked rapidly when Garnet leaned back, hands staying in place. Beau’s HUD made him aware of the way Garnet’s pupils were dilated, mouth slightly open from his increased rate of breath.

“I like it,” Beau said without thinking, drawing Garnet’s gaze up from his mouth. “I like the plant stand. Please don’t get rid of it.” The hand in his hair loosened as Garnet leaned back, the sensors in Beau’s fingertips documenting the topography of scars, muscle, and bone as his hand slid around the side of his neck and down to Garnet’s chest when he returned to his full height.

Weight was missing from his free hand and he looked down.

“Oh no!” he stepped back, panic surging. The paper bag he’d been carrying was now on the floor, crinkled and abandoned. He quickly reached down to get it, carefully opening the crumpled top, hoping he hadn’t ruined the treats. “Are they okay? I didn’t mean to drop them. I didn’t ruin them, did I?”

“Wh-what?” Garnet blinked as if dazed before catching up to speed. He tilted closer, peering down into the bag when it was offered.

“Are they broken?” Beau scrambled for what he would do if they were. He could call for a delivery order. But what if they didn’t travel this far? Maybe he could take the tram back. But what if they were closed already?

“You got Pączki?” Garnet looked up at him, eyes wide.

“Did I ruin them? I didn’t mean to drop them.” It was a swirl of emotion that pulled heat into his chest, wanting to laugh and cry at the same time. He wasn’t sure which was appropriate and chose to keep both at bay.

“They’re fine. They’re okay.” Garnet chuckled softly, patting his back, “Jeez-o, they’re not like eggs. They’re probably rougher than that at the store.” Beau nodded, passing the bag to him in fear he may end up crushing them. “You, uh, you got these for me?”

“Valetta said you liked them.” As Garnet took the bag Beau noticed the redness starting in his face.

The realization of what they’d done came crashing down.

Beau couldn’t look at him, instead, he crossed the room to the shelving. The top shelf was almost at eye level, pulling his potted plant off the shelf surprised to find one or two of the tiny forget-me-not blooms.

“You shouldn’t be spending money buying me food,” Garnet chuckled nervously.

“And you shouldn’t be spending money buying me furniture,” Beau said without thinking, turning to assess the damage when there wasn’t a response. Garnet laughed, soft and airy, idly rubbing his mouth as he looked down at the bag.

“Fair enough,” he quietly said. And paused, “So, what do you wanna do tonight? It’s supposed to rain later, but we could still go out if you wanted.”

“Can I help you finish putting this together?” Beau cradled the pot to his stomach, schooling how tightly he held it to not crack the ceramic.

“C’mon,” Garnet snickered, turning to place the Pączki on the counter of the bar. “You don’t have to pretend. Alright? Serious talk, do you actually like it?”

“I told you I did!”

“Yeah, but are you just saying that to be nice?”

“I’m saying it because I like it. I’ve never had… things like this before. Things that don’t fit into a bag.” Things that make a home. His vocals couldn’t manage that, having to mute them at the strange whine they made instead. To distract himself, he looked down at the pot, only finding the sight of the flowers and new growth nearly made him cry.

“Okay,” Garnet whispered, close enough now to touch Beau’s shoulder, neck, the side of his face. “Hey, it’s yours. You can do whatever you like with it, I just don’t want you to feel like you have to keep it.”

“I want to keep it,” Beau said defiantly. “Are you not listening or do I need to kiss you again?” It caught Garnet by surprise, bursting with a chuckle.

“I mean, I’m not against it,” he grinned shyly, glancing away. “We’re gonna have to decide on one of those things because I don’t think that’s something I can multitask.” It made Beau smile as well.

“Let’s start with putting this together.” Beau decided to place the pot on the coffee table.

“Start,” Garnet echoed with a laugh. “Okay, you got jokes. But I gotta warn you, the instructions don’t make any sense."