#hink about myself which is why i just wanted to let

[hobismilitarywife]

.

[cleostoohot]

hey cleo! i just wanted to share some of my recent success stories and a little bit of background info about my journey.

so i found out about subliminals back in june 2021 and started using them since july 2021. at first i was very doubtful and constantly checked the mirror for proof so that’s why i never saw any result.

in late august i was scrolling through youtube and found hyler’s channel and that’s when i found out that you could manifest with your “thought” (at first i thought subliminals were magical audios or some sort).

i over consumed so much info on youtube till late december 2021 when i finally decided to just start applying. mind you that during those 4 months i had affirmed (constantly), scripted etc. but nothing happened. anyways, i remember that i had downloaded the app “self pause” where you can basically record your own affirmations and i put myself on a time crunch; by the start of the 2022 i would have my desired appearance.

on jan 1st tho, nothing had changed, but i never lost faith and kept going. long story short, during all these months till now i never really manifested anything “big” only a few small things, but i can definitely say that now my mindset has changed. for the past few weeks, i would only have to hink about something that i wanted without even “manifesting” it and it would show up in the 3d. that’s when i realized how freaking easy it actually is to manifest.

i also forgot to mention that for six months i stopped using subliminals, but now i want to use them again because i know that they’re going to bring me my results fast and quickly and also because i kind of miss summer 2021 and i actually loved listening to subliminals! I’ve been listening to eggtopia’s “goodnight darling” subliminal and played it on loop overnight and these are the few things that i’ve noticed have been changing so far;

-my skin; i used to break out a lot (when on my period, if i would eat chocolate), but now my skin has been visibly clearing up and no pimples are showing up on my face.

-my voice; i’ve been jamming to my playlists lately and let me tell you, i can sing so much better now! i can do vocals almost like ariana which is amazing.

-my body; i used to have a “door” body type (small boobs, wide ribcage and waist, hip dips and stomach bump) but recently i haven’t been bloating when i eat, my stomach is visibly flatter and my mom even complimented me about my waist after i stayed a week in france with my cousins, which is becoming way smaller day by day.

i have to admit that i never had a bad self concept, but if i didn’t see results right away, i would always justify it by saying that i didn’t see movement in the 3d because of my doubts. what i’ve learned is that all it takes is persisting. persisting, persisting, persisting. i have now assumed that “i have everything i want regardless of everything” and i’m persisting with that assumption everyday and i actually feel like i’m getting closer and closer to the day where i’m waking up with all my desires. i’m sure of it.

i would like to thank you and @halokisses for inspiring me to move forward and persist in my journey. thank you a lot for everything, i really hope you didn’t find this too long or annoying. love you so much 🧡

ilyyyy and i’m soo proud of you! our journeys are so similar too. i’m glad you’re finally manifesting your desires <3 you deserve it! 💗

[black-rose-writings]

Reading Siege and Storm because I hate myself

To begin, I’d like to state that this is my first read-through and I only have vague idea of the plot I’ve gathered from fanfics and tumblr posts.

Long post ahead

Chapter 1

So... at first I was like - huh, this isn’t as bad as I thought, but the moment Alina gets introspective, it all goes to hell.

Like, she’s being physically made sick by not using her powers, which is making her feel useless - like, she says, pretty much verbatim: “The only thing I was ever good at was being a Sun Summoner and I’m not that anymore.”

I’m gonna beat those paragraphs over the head of anyone, who says Alina got a good ending.

I’ve also noticed just how often the like “I pushed that thought away” is used and more often than not, it’s used on thoughts that should probably not be pushed away.

Ah, yes, here he comes, my boy Darkles, being the dramatic bitch he always is. We get it, you’re the hot villain, tempting the good and pure heroine away from being good and pure.

And I’m just now realizing how many times in this chapter has Alina lamented their lack of privacy. We have to ensure the reader doesn’t hink she’s *gasp* sleeping with Mal.

Chapter 2

What?

Alina is tripping balls while being put under by a Heartrender, got it.

Darkling is being the voice of reason, but I’m getting the distinct feeling it won’t last.

Ivan gets one point, because Alina is in fact a traitor, but he’s also being a cunt, so it doesn’t really count.

Alina at Sturmhond: Do you even care about Ravka?

Me at Alina: Do you?

Chapter 3

“Mermaids are not real”. I’m pretty sure they are in the Grishaverse.

My boy Darkles is still making sense, but Alina is dedicated to being against him just for the hell of it, it seems.

Did this bitch just throw a tantrum, because he told her, what we can assume is the truth? Okay. Like, I get that she’s at best 18, but still. Not exactly the type of protagonist whose head I like being in.

And in that moment, dozens of smut fics were born.

Chapter 4

Wow, that was quick.

Aaand. What had just happened?

Chapter 5

Sturmhond is a funny bitch, I’ll give him that.

And this entire conversation, it seems like Mal’s entire purpose is to stand behind Alina threateningly and repeat what she said, lol.

I’d like to remind Alina (and LB) that a king in an absolutist monarchy (which is what Ravka appears to be) is very much a tyrant. Don’t make it sound like Ravka didn’t have a tyrant before. And at the very least, my boy Darkles seems pretty competent.

A man calling himself a Storm Dog likes dogs. No shit.

Chapter 6

I hate Mal. Dude, this is your girlfriend, maybe like... listen to her? Don’t bludgeon her with the one other guy she was kinda-sorta with, when you are a well known manwhore?

I don’t know man, I don’t like him.

Everyone: You can’t have more than one amplifier, it’s dangerous.

Alina: Haha, sparkles go brrrr

Chapter 7

In other news, pirates are funny.

Holy shit, they have a plane.

That was... a lot. And we’re crossing the Fold again, yay.

Chapter 8

You feel bad for the Volcra but not for the people you’ve left for dead in the Fold last time? Okay.

Baby Volcra. Am I supposed to say “ew” or “aww”? If I tried doing both at the same time, it would probably sound like one.

Jesus fucking Christ this book is a ride.

Did Alina really just have an “oh no, he’s hot?” moment? *sighs*

Puppy boy has a title longer than Daenerys, jesus.

Alina, my dear, you could have waited for a bit before doing that. There’s like thirty soldier with guns around you and you’ve just punched a prince.

Then again, you’ve never been smart, have you?

Chapter 9

For once, I completely agree with him. I know you two have lost your one shared braincell on that first crossing of the Fold but still, that was very dumb of you, Alina.

I’m starting to get why people were calling Nikolai “Darkling light”. Definitelly seems appropriate.

Mal, calm the fuck down, that was the least romantic proposal I’ve ever heard and you know it.

You two didn’t even let Alina get a word in for the last page. What right do you have to her, Mal, huh? Nikolai is making sense and you’re being an idiot.

What’s your deal Mal? What the fuck do you want?

And why in the hell are you the endgame love interest?

That’s an awful lot of guilt-tripping you’re doing there, Mal. No need to be pissy about it.

Chapter 10

The bones thing is definitelly yikes.

Saints, Mal, are you on your period or something? Alina doesn’t belong to you. Alina can make her own choices. Get a grip.

“You think I’m like the Darkling?” Yes. The Darkling isn’t all bad. You’re at war. No need to get your panties in a twist over a few fingers.

Oh, look, Alina has a cult now, nice.

Chapter 11

Your “dad” is a rapist, Nikolai. Quite possibly a pedo. He got exactly what he deserved.

I’d go for the second option. Especially after that stunt. Jesus, you could have asked her beforehand.

At least Darkles had the decency to make out with her in private.

Also like... why is every single person in this series so far an asshole?

Chapter 12

We meet the King again, unfortunately.

Alina gets Darkles’s old job.

This should be a total disaster, but let’s see where it goes anyway.

Chapter 13

Alina’s nuts, yay.

(I know they have a Force-bond-thingy. I also know they did it before Reylo did.)

Chapter 14

Oh boy, Alina’s not doing as bad as I thought.

For the 100th time in this book, I wish I had Nikolai’s confidence. Though it is getting a bit too much.

Puppy boy is dropping some truth bombs. Nice.

But he doesn’t realize that my boy Darkles has very good reasons to not align with Fjerdans - a) they think he’s a demon and b) they want Grisha dead.

I’m not gonna say she was, but like... the monarchy is very much corrupt.

Oh, boy, Baghra. This one’s gonna go well.

Yep, Baghra’s as pleasant as ever.

So... Baghra’s plan in book 1 really had been to just have Alina run away and hope for the best? Jesus Christ, lady. I’m not saying she deserved to have her eyes taken away, but she is definitelly a trash person and I’m not surprised her son turned out the way he did.

Also, I’m fairly certain that Baghra is literally slowly killing herself - that the reason she looks so old and frail is because she’s started to supress her power and it’s literally killing her, because, you know, she’s bonkers old.

Chapter 15

Nerd Alina > Self-pitying Alina

Also, I’m just saying, Alina comments on Zoya being attractive a whole lot - I get that she’s meant to be insecure, but I’m interpreting it as her being gay, because I need some happiness in my life, okay?

Just kill the sleazy old Rasputin-wanna-be. There’s plenty of them to go around in this series.

Chapter 16

Vasily takes after his father in creep factor.

Why not the Darkling being courted by a horny prince? Be a bit creative.

Chapter 17

Nikolai has big ADHD energy and I love him for it. Fits right in with the heavily autism-coded Fabricators.

*sighs at heteronormativity again*

*sighs at improper gendering of titles*

Date night with Mal. This is gonna be a disaster, isn’t it?

Chapter 18

Fun night of cultural appropriation, yay.

I hate cultists.

LET. ALINA. GO. FERAL. Please.

You two are going to give me a headache, I swear.

Darkles cockblocking Alina. And Malice threw a tantrum. Nice.

Chapter 19

You’re way too harsh on Genya, Alina.

Horny Alina rights.

They have a laser, now. Cool. Or, well, enormously hot.

Mal is being a drunk a-hole. Great. When does he become likable? Does he ever?

Banter between Mal and Alina? Kinda weird, always somehow comes back to either of them being insecure.

Banter between Alina and Nikolai? I’m all for it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a Darklina trash, but like... Nikolai is fun. I could see him and Alina having an arranged political marriage and ending up falling in love years into it, that’s all I’m saying.

Chapter 20

Just let this one go, Alina, please. You two are not working out. Please, end it with him. You’ll both probably be happier. (I’m saying this with the full knowledge that Malina is endgame).

Jesus Alina, get your shit together. You have every right to be mad, because you two didn’t actually break up, you didn’t kiss Nikolai and also, I don’t like Mal.

Sooo... when is Alina going to realize her manchild of a boyfriend is an amplifier?

Chapter 21

Alina has the horny sickness, lol.

Jesus Christ, girl, I don’t want to read your vaguely suicidal thoughts.

Mal, you fucking idiot.

Alina, stop defending Mal.

Chapter 22

Alina has a logical thought? Impossible.

Finally, some action.

Chapter 23

Oh, boi, this is going great.

Oh, boi, Alina’s having another martyr moment.

And, we’re done.

Finally.

That was a ride. Nothing really happens for like ten chapters and then everything happens in one and a half.

[frobin]

Hi! Ok, I know it isn't very related to Frobin (except if you decide to mention them in the answer), but I am curious about your opionion on this thing. If the end of One Piece have someone of the Straw Hat crew that can die, who can be? OBVIOUSLY I hope nobody, that this thing doesn't happen, but never say never. There're people who say Luffy to recreate Roger's connection. Someone else Usop (but I miss the reason). Or Jinbe, who has also some problems and enemies from previous experiences?

Hey there anon!

No worries about asking questions. This is a FRobin blog but it's also a One Piece blog so it's fine to ask all kind of questions about One Piece. Even though I wouldn't consider myself much of an *expert* so everything I write is very much influenced by my own impressions.

But you're asking for my opinion anyway so that disclaimer is not necessary in this case. XD

---

Okay, first of all: I'm no fan of death flags. I never see them and when I read about them I feel like people pull them out of nowhere.

So I don't think any of the Strawhats will die before or even while the big end fight. Also it's not like they will reach their goal and then just drop dead (don't forget the dream are very different too but more about that later). Like what kind of life would that be?

Also we can't forget that Oda still believes he is writing this story for 14 year old boys. So, even though death is and will be a theme I don't think he will kill off the main crew.

That would not be very clever story wise and is not how to tell a story about adventure and fulfilling dreams for young boys.

Right now it's very "fashionable" to let characters die for shock value. But the more it's done the more annoying it becomes and less of a shock and Oda won't stoop so low to use this kind of element. Why do I think that?

So far we had three deaths in OP and they all shocked us a lot. But they were also used as motivator for other characters. Whitebeards death was a motivator for a whole new Generation of pirates, as well as his crew to try to save Ace and his little brother. Ace's death was a launch of character development for Luffy, Sabo, Garp and even Sengoku and probably more. Pedros death was a motivator for Carrot and other Minks. (Even the fake death of Pell was a huge motivator for Vivi. Interestingly compared to other deaths his sacrifice did not stop the war, which would have been an adequate impact. So him coming back alive actually makes sense.)

But look how few and far between they are. Of course there was more death but the important ones are kept as those.

Why am I talking about that? Who would benefit from a Strawhats death?

Literally no one. They are all already motivated to go until the end for each other. It's more likely that a death would cause Luffy to just give up, him becoming catatonic again.

Who would Luffy fight for if he even loses one of his crew mates? Or maybe two?

If I were a Marine I would try to make Luffy think that his friends are dead and then catch him but that is beside the point.

But for One Piece, a Strawhat death it would not move the story further. There is no additional motivator needed and that would be the only reason to kill one of the crew.

Killing a Strawhat makes no sense in my opinion.

A death would only make sense after they reached their goal.

So it is possible that we see the Strawhats die but long after the story came to an end, them reaching Laugh Tale (if that is the end). And yes, I think all of them will die of natural causes and/or sickness. Most of them at an old age. I think Luffy, Zoro or Usopp being the firsts because of the trauma their bodies had endured would make most sense.

I hope that answered your question anon... and anyone who does not want to read even more about my nonsense can stop here.

But let me break down why I think that all Strawhats have plot armor against death flags, behind the read-more.

-> It is very important that I think the huge clash with the Blackbeard Pirates, which will be the end fight, will happen right before Laugh Tale. And Laugh Tale is the end-goal and the end of the main story. (I MIGHT BE WRONG!!!)<-

Everyones own story can only end after they reached their goal so let's look why I think that these dreams give the Strawhats Plot Armor.

Luffy: Become the king of the pirates. That means he has to reach Laugh Tale. I often hear that Luffy will die early because of the parallel to Roger. That does not mean he won't reach his 40s or 50s. Even after reaching Laugh Tale Roger lived a bit longer and even had time to "make a child" so, killing off Luffy in the end fight makes no sense. So maybe dying after the fight, on Laugh Tale? That could happen and would be the earliest death of any Strawhat imo.

Zoro: Become the strongest sword fighter. That means he still has to kill Mihawk. I don't think Mihawk will go and look for Zoro. So, Zoro has to survive and then return to Mihawk and have his duel. No sense in killing off Zoro. I am 100% sure that he will survive until then.

Nami: Drawing a world map. For that Nami has to travel the world many times more. After they reached Laugh Tale, Nami has only finished part of her dream. She has to visit all of the Blues, travel the Grand Line and the New world multiple times. Drawing a Map of the world will take a lifetime. Her dream will take the longest to be fulfilled.

Usopp: Become the great warrior of the sea. Now here we have a dream that is not really tangible. Usopp will be a great warrior as soon as he realises that he is one. In my opinion he already managed to become a great warrior. Time and time again he has shown how amazing he is but this is all about his own self image and so hard to grasp. This actually makes Usopp the most likely to have a death flag BUT we can't forget that he still has to return home and tell his stories to Kaya and the Usopp pirates. It's part of a promise that is only secondary but for me it's enough to think Usopp too is safe until he did that.

Sanji: To find the All Blue. Sanji thinks that the All Blue is something physical. We can't know that and if it is physical we can consider that it's maybe a part of the New World near the Red Line where all seas somehow come together. So again, until Sanji found that place he hasn't fulfilled his dream. And since I think that would be BEHIND Laugh Tale, again I think Sanji is safe. Alternatively the All Blue is just a metaphor for something completely different but I can't hink about what.

Chopper: To cure all illness. Here too, this is something that takes time. Chopper is still only at the beginning of his career of being a doctor. Finding a magical cure for every illness that exists is not something that just happens. Logically he would need to talk with many other medical experts and together they might be able to find it. When and how and if that happens is impossible to say but again that would be something that would fit best in the time after reaching Laugh Tale.

Robin: To find the truth of the void century. Right now we figure that she will find that at the end of their travel, on Laugh Tale. Maybe it will happen earlier in case the Strawhats storm the World Government. Either way she will learn the truth. But that will not be the end to her. After learning the truth it's up to Robin to bring it to the world, to write it down, to teach, to make people understand that they can't erase history and that they have to learn from it. Again, that is something that takes time and so, truly fulfilling her dream.

Franky: To travel the world in the ship of his dreams. Again that is a vague dream. But it would mean to at least return to Water Seven, so that Sunny has traveled the world once. But even then it's only been a small part of the world and traveling the world would mean to visit at least every of the seas. So far, Sunny had been in two to four, depending on how much you take the movies into account. But to fulfill Franky's dream he needs to survive a bit longer and so does Sunny.

Brook: To meet Laboon again. This is simple. But for that Brook has to reach the end of the New World and then get over the Red Line again. What he will do after that is hard to tell. But again, the Red Line is behind Laugh Tale and so I'm sure Brook too, has to survive... even though he is already dead YOHOHO!

Jinbe: Equality between merfolk and humans. Again this is something that is no easy feat and will probably take more than one generation. Also it is not only up to him and more to Shirahoshi and the World Government. This dream is about teamwork too, but who could be a better ambassador for the merfolk than him? Losing Jinbe would be a huge backfire for the cause. Jinbe too is safe in my opinion. If you have reached the end of the post, let me tell you again my headcanon about FRobin: After the main adventure Franky and Robin return to Water Seven where Franky helps to turn W7 into a boat and after that is done, they travel to the island where Ohara used to be and there they rebuild the island. More people return and it again becomes a hub for scholars and history.

[when-residents-are-evil]

Entry #4

A/N: Aaaaaand, with this chapter, the Bestiary and House Beneviento’s entries updated! You don’t actually need to read them, they’re note my OC is taking to help them go through this mess. Notes that I need to organize better, too.

23th April 2018

07h47

Today's missions:

Find a doctor

Learn more about Lords and Miranda

Stack up on provisions for the day I'll escape (long lasting food, medical stuff, weapons (?), money, etc)

I think I need to investigate about Miranda. Iulian isn't really talkative, but I guess my already-dead rabbit and the two fish I bribed him with yesterday must have impressed him, because he agreed to let me know a few things.

According to him, I wouldn't be the first tourist to 'disappear' if anything were to happen to me. Villagers disappear from time to time, mostly when they want to leave the village for good. Apparently, they need to ask for her blessing so they won’t get torn up to pieces on their way out.

But tourists? Sometimes, people will end up here, like I did, for various different reasons. Maybe they heard about spooky rumors and wanted to have a good scare and brag to their friends about the place. Or maybe they just got lost and tried to roll with it. I'm case number 2, by the way. A few escape (or at least, leave the village and are never to be seen again).

Most of the time, if they get an audiance with Mother Miranda, they don't come back.

Now, if I never got attacked by the lycans, I would brush it off as some lame ghost story or hink that Miranda, for some reason, agreed to help them leave or something ike that. But then, Iulian said these people weren't taken by the woods. And it's weird, because I'm almost sure the lycans are the n°1 death cause around here, and that no one from the 'outside world' would want to stay here. But he insisted it wasn't them, and he said they didn't left. So I have two theories:

1) Miranda killing those people, for some reason. That would explain why everyone is so damn scared of her.

2) There are other kind of monsters here. Aside from the lycans, I mean. I'm also thinking it could be the Lords?

I don't know which one would be worse. There has to be a reason Miranda is feared like she is. She must be either incredibly powerful, or… All these people are brainwashed. I don’t think she’s the kind and generous protector they all claim she is. Why wouldn’t she get rid of the lycans if she truly had good intentions?

And why am I not dead yet? I'm 100% sure she knows I'm here and trying to escape, so why isn't she kiling me? Is it because she likes watching people fail or something?

Because I could understand. I ran into a tree on my way back home last night because I was too scared to see straight. I'm sure she's entertained.

Or maybe I'm too insignificant to be worth the effort. I hope it's that one.

_____________________________________________________________

09h36

Okay, I need to write this down.

There's a weird old lady that's been following me around for at least 3 days. She's really sneaky, and I can't hear her despite the bones rattling at the end of her staff. The only reason I noticed her is because I'm becoming paranoid and keep randomly turning around. That's how I caugh her. Also, not a big fan of feeling observed.

She keeps lurking at the edge of my sight. It's freaking me out. I think I should comfront her, but again, I'm not good with people and don't want to be rude to an old lady. I get she's creepy, and weird, and she follows me everywhere I go, but is it a reason to call her out? She didn't technically do anything bad, in the end she's just observ

... She's hiding behind a tree again. Okay, no, it's freaking me out. I think I'm going to talk to her.

_____________________________________________________________

10h12

She’s so fucking weird. She asked me what would I sacrifice for Miranda and I didn’t know what to answer, so I returned her question. She laughed, didn’t answer, then left and threw some ominous warning abover her shoulder. I don’t remember what exactly. What the fuck. What’s her problem? I think I need to ask the Duke about her. Not sure he’ll tell me what I really need to know, but I can still try.

_____________________________________________________________

14h55

I met the doctor on my way to the Duke. He used to be a herbalist and learned the most… gruesome stuff on his own. He gave me a cream of his own making for my arm, and was kind enough to give me the ingredients. Apparently, these herbs grow near the windmills, but it’s in Moreau’s territory, so it’ll have to wait.

Now, about the Duke.

As expected, he didn’t really tell me a lot about that old lady, aside from the fact that she’s weird and old. Nothing I didn’t knew. Either he doesn’t want to help me, or he just doesn’t know as much as I thought he did. Or maybe he works for Miranda and doesn’t want me to escape ? I don’t know. I don’t know if I can trust him, I just…

I want to go home.

_____________________________________________________________

21h23

I have good and bad news :

Bad news: I got attacked on my way back from Hous Beneviento’s territory. Yeah, I know. I shouldn’t have gone in the first place. I’ll get to that later. Anyways, I’ve got three huge slashes on my face, cutting my lips open. It’s going to leave a nasty scar, and it hurts like hell. Every time I open my mouth to eat or talk, it reopens the cuts. I couldn’t stitch myself up, as I didn’t have any suture and couldn’t find my needles (I used all of them on my arm). I tried putting tape instead. We’ll see how that turns out.

Good news: It wasn’t a lycan! Which means I got to observe a new kind of monster. They were after the suspended bridge, behind the door leading to Beneviento’s territory. I also learned more about this place, I think.

I know I shouldn’t have been there. I knew it was a bad idea. But no one would tell me why and I had to figure it out. The thing is, if I’m ever going to run away from this place, I need to know what I’m up against. I don’t regret going despite what happened.

The door was open. Maybe Lady Beneviento was in town ? Something tells me I’m lucky I didn’t see her on my way back. And it’s a good thing I had the map with me (knowing myself, I’d be able to get lost on a straight path). There were breanching paths, but they were closed off my vines. In any case, I kept going, slowly but surely, and at the end of the path, I could see Lady Beneviento’s house from afar. I didn’t dare come closer, just in case she came back.

There was something odd about this whole thing (aside from the monsters who chased me on my way back, I mean). At first, I thought it was my nerves, but the whole time I was in her territory, I felt… Sick. And watched. I don’t think it was just my anxiety acting up. I kept seeing things at the corner of my eyes, moving shadows and things I still think were fake to some extent, despite everything I’ve seen here.

But I kept going. I wasn’t stupid enough to go inside the house, but my self preservation senses aren’t exactly... developped. I felt dizzy, too lightheaded, and I know there was something inside. I tried looking through the windows but it was way too dark. I left immediately after sending a few glances inside, I really wasn’t feeling well. It felt like I was drugged, somehow. I don’t know. I still feel weird from that whole fiasco. Maybe it’s more because of the burning gash on my face, but I don’t think so.

I ran as fast as I could, hid behind a tree during when my asthma was acting up, and then ran some more. Then some weird ass… Monsters... Zombies things came out of the ground. I thought I was hallucinating at first, and then I felt a horrible burn across my face as my head got sent to the ground, and it got me right back on track. I didn’t even bother fighting back. My poor little knife wasn’t going to damage them, and there were too many of them.

I ran all the way down to the village, and saw the Duke here. He gave me some bandages and herbs for free when he saw me come back. He also held my hand when I told him about what happened. I don’t know if I can really call him a friend, but I’m still glad he was here. I still don’t know if I can really trust him, though. I hope I can. I need someone I can trust.

He said he’ll answer my questions once I’m feeling better, that I wasn’t in the right state for it right now. I think I’ll just go to sleep.

[bimtoes]

THE SAGA OF MY SEX LIFE

Until I was about 9 or 10 years old, to me, my cock was just an appendage used for urinating. Then we had a teenage male servant at home, who introduced me to the wonder of masturbation and sucking cock. Since then, I think I would have masturbated thousands of times. I did not know the name used for the stroking of the cock but just knew of the pleasure the action gave me.To do this, I have used many kinds of lubricants: Spit, Body lotion, Olive oil, Baby cream, toothpaste, shampoo, even shit during masturbation. However, I prefer the dry act.

At school, I was in the boarding and I am sure, at this age, no other boy in my dorm knew about masturbation. There was no seminal emission but the beautiful tingling sensation when the climax was reached still makes me wonder!!

I had thought that the penis was a cylindrical object and the frenelum really bothered me at a young age. I was under the impression that my cock was deformed and was really upset about this. Years later, I learned what a frenelum was and that normal cocks were like that. What a relief I felt at that time!!

I was afraid that others would know about my secret and I masturbated when in the toilet or at night after lights out. The only problem was my penis became erect very often and I wore no underwear. You see, my father never wore underwear in his life and he could see no reason why I should wear them either. I was afraid that others would see my erection. Later on, I got to know that others cocks too became erect very often due to the onset of puberty. However when they learned about masturbation, the term they used made me wonder what it was all about and I wondered whether it was something else. This was a trying time for me as my cock used to get erect at the drop of a hat and it showed by the bulge in my short pants. I was afraid the tip might come out of the botto of the pants legs!! I HAD to do something about this!! The first remedy was to pull my vest down and pin the front and rear ends together. This was effective to some extent but I wanted something better. I started going down the dorm at night pilfering other boys’ jock straps.

I masturbated in the toilet, on my bed, in boarding and at home during the vacation, later I masturbated in the dark classrooms at night, sneaking into them during study hours, in the terraces overlooking the school ground and wherever it was possible to do so. There was some homosexual activity too in the boarding, but I had no involvement in it.  Anyway, I remember sneaking to the bed of a dorm mate, his name was K******* loosening his sarong and masturbating his cock! When the ejaculation came with the semen spewing in his clothing, he woke up and started shouting in annoyance but by that time, I was safely in my bed!!

OK I’ll continue later. let’s take a break.

I’M BACK!! LET’S START WHERE i LEFT OFF….

By this time, I was so horny and was attracted to women but I did not know of any sexual action further than masturbating. I had heard of the term fucking but did not know of what it was!! I then proceeded to travel in crowded public transport pressing myself against female forms, if possible squeezing their boobs or asses and when I got back home re-lived the experience and got it off by masturbation.That was the furthest I was able to go. I tried sneaking up to houses to get glimpses of women and slog off there but this was too risky. so I gave it up.

During this period I urinated into bottles and hid them behind my bed at night and disposed of them in the morning. One day I forgot to throw the pee away and my mother saw the bottles and she was upset about this abomination of mine. I used to poop into my hand and masturbate with it applied on my cock and balls. I also smeared my entire body from neck downward in shit and washed it off later. That was as low as I coulld get…..

I worked as a volunteer of a social service institute. There was a boy of about 12 years who slept in the same room as I did.On about three separate occasions, taking extreme care not to wake him up, I took his cock in my mouth and twirled the head around with my tongue. Then topped it off my getting back to my bed and masturbating. At this same place, there were some international volunteers and they were talking about some woman being good for 69. I asked them what they meant by 69. They laughed for a long time and said that you had to pump 69 times in a woman to ejaculate. I was that ignorant. I cane to know about what 69 really meant YEARS after that!!

I continued masturbating almost daily, sometimes even two or three times a day!!

My next escapade was when I had a small boy working for me in my house. (Now I was living alone). I had this boy lie down near my bed and stroked his cock. He had no objection to it and I used to do this for some time.

Sometimes I used to go to the vegetable fair, not to buy anything but to squeeze against female asses. I used to put my hand between the legs of women bending to select vegetables from behind whilst brushing against their asses and squeezed their cunts. It was exciting to see their surprised and shocked looks around trying to see who did that!! I almost got caught when I squeezed the cunt of an mature woman in this way but managed to evade apprehension!!

My first experience with a real, live, naked woman was when I was about 24 years old!! We were on the bed naked but I did not know where to put my cock. I did not know how to put it into her vagina or where exactly a cunt was me either!!. We just lay naked together and I was stroking and touching her only hink she would have had a laugh talking about this with her friends!! sometimes I met her on the road home in the evenings and pulled her to the roadside but for the life of me could not find her cunt!!

I wanted to fuck so badly that I got a servant to somehow get me a broad. One day, a renowned prostitute (T*******) and her understudy came along the road passing my house and from the way they were behaving, it appeared that they wanted to come in. I got them in and that was the first time I had sex with a woman. Wow!!

There were other women who came to my house like R*****, M****S******, Y******** and others . I loved to fuck Y******** and R***** was a sweet one whom I fondled and loved to cuddle. We never fucked. This I regret to this day.

There were other women in my life, some casual fuck affairs I don’t even know their names!!

Sometime later I had N********* an elderly woman who was also cock crazy. She came to my house almost every night and went off to work in the mornings. There was another dame T********** who also wanted to fuck but we never got the chance to work it out. She used to rub her ass against my front when I was going past her and also she used to send me love poems!!

At the same time, there was another young sexy girl at this same place, P******V**** who was in love with me. Her mother used to send her to my house in the hope that I would get her pregnant and then they could compel me to marry her. But this girl never removed her panties.She took off all her clothing but not the panties. She had superb juicy lips and a beautiful bosom and lovely fat ass. She used to laugh commenting about my somewhat flat buttocks. I was never able to fuck her. Some times when she was asleep, I removed her panties but she almost immediately woke up. Sometimes I would put my thumb on her lips and she sucked on it. I would immediately replace this with my cock which she sucked for some time and then realizing what it was, pushed me away!!   I miss her. She was really broken when I had to move on.

There was another girl who used to come to my house called P**** L***** but it never got sexual!!

I had no women other than S******* at my next posting and the only day I got her into the house there was big trouble which my boss helped to negate at great loss of face to myself. This went to the Police Station too but was covered up.

At my next billet I had a sexual affair with a girl named B*** M*****. She usd to visit some people she knew passing the turn off to the place I lived in. Why I started this was I had heard persons saying she was a good Fuck and I was sex starved myself!!!! I used to hang around the gate of my place when she passed by and somehow she got the idea. I watched until she was returning from her visit to her friend’s place and switched off the garden light.   This enabled her to come into the house from a side entrance which I had kept open. When she came inside, on came the light!! She stayed the night with me and we had all sorts of sexual experiments.She left early the next day before dawn.Thishappened for a long time. Some time later, she said she had missed her periods. This was someting I had not bargained for!!With some difficulty we parted….

I fell in love with S****** M********!! I was just crazy about her. She was a girl from the village of E******* and I first saw her on the road leading to the bazaar alongside a tea field. We had organized a New Year festival and she came with some other girls to sing the welcome song to the chief guests. Later I invited the girls to lunch to my abode t in appreciation of their contribution to the above event..She also came there. I had invited a friend of mine to lunch too. It was only later after some time that I got to know that my friend had earlier deflowered the girl I was in love with.

I used to meet her at the next town and we talked. We also used to write to each other. I was so crazy about her, that I didn’t realize that she was not compatible to my family or professional life!! After some time I was posted to a place over 100km from her on a promotion to K*************a. We continued correspondence. Even SM’s younger sister used to write to me.

Continuing from there……on 25032017

Within a short time, I was promoted again to a place off R——–a. This meant I had a four wheel vehicle too!! An Isuzu Trooper!!

I had continued my correspondence with SM and we soon made arrangements to meet again. She suggested C*****o and I agreed to meet her near the C*R station at F**t. By this time, she was working somewhere at M********a.

I cannot remember when I updated this story last but this is all I was able to recover. Will continue on from here….19072018

Continuing from there..finally on…09082018…….. at the arrranged date and time I came to C*****o and when passing by the station, there she was waiting….. It would be impossible to meet like that in the present day but this was 28 yeaars ago and the crowds and traffic waere not like this!! She got into teh vehicle and we went along the Galle Road, and turned off into a side road where we talked for some time. We parted with her promising to come to R*******a to stay over with me. Sure enough in January the next year, 13th or 14th 1991, I went down to the R*******a bus stand and as before, there she was..……She came t my residence and whe she got down from it she was stunned seeing A******m my Cook wh knew her from the E******a days. ANyway, she had no choice but to get down. She was assured that this man would not talk about her to anyone. This was the first time I had sex with her!! e to see me on about three occassions when I was here.

Once when I had gone out for the week-end with a friend and his family and I was coming back I had an urgent feeling this girl had come to my place and I was in a hurry to get back. Sure enough, when I got there, She was there in all her beauty. she had hidden herself to surprise me and when I saw her, I ws so filled with desire, I could not bear it!! We had an exciting time that week.

In the mean time, there was another girl called I*****i whom I just said I wanted to meet her, in passing and that afternoon, she turned up at my residence. She aplogised profusely for coming and I replied that it was I who invited her!! Boy!! Wasn’t she great!! She was crazy about fucking and she had the juiciest cunt with lovely long labia!!!! Unfortunately, I was able to enjoy her for only about three months off and on before I went on my way!!

16112018

While on the move,a thing happenned which I thought was prophetical. I had no contact at all with SM for some time and I thought tht it was all over. I had got transfer orders to another billet and my personal stuff had already been sent on their way ahead. As II got my vehicle onto the road there was a bus coming along it and the driver put his hand out signalling me to stop. WOW!! who should come tumbling oout of the bus other than SM!!

My vehicle was full with certain stuff and there was just enough room in the back for her to get in.

10122018

So in she got and we went to the regional office where I had to pick up another vehicle as I had to return the one I was using. My driver got into that vehicle and I drove to K*********a with SM by my side.

I was wondering if it was destiny for me as I spent my first night on this property with her and we had sex that night enjoying every second of it!!

After a couple of days, she left.

I continued with my usual practice of masturbating at any available time.

Dec 4th, 2018

[mistyyygoode]

Enough Love - 1

After a five-year, long trip through Europe, I was headed back home, and my first stop was to see Lily for a couple of weeks. I thought if I got lucky, the stay could be as long as a month. I knew by now, Jill was five. And I knew she wouldn't remember who I was other than what Lily had told her about me, which wasn't much or anything at all.

The taxi pulled up to Lily's two-story vintage home. I could see Lily on the porch with Jill next to her. As soon as the car stopped, I jumped out and ran straight toward them. I practically tackled Lily to the ground as I hugged her.

"Oh, it's been far too long." I murmured into her neck as I held her flush against me.

"It has." I heard her laugh.

I pulled away and knelt, so I was level with Jill. "Hi, there."

"Hi," she said shyly, holding onto a baby blanket, and it looked like she had just woken up.

"I know you don't know who I am, but I brought you something."

"Really?" her blue eyes lit up.

"Mhm," I hummed as I dug through my bag. I pulled out a purple bear and handed it over to her.

Jill smiled at me as she held it close to her chest. "My favorite color! How'd ya know?" she asked.

"It was a lucky guess." I smiled as I glanced up at Lily to see her grinning.

"'Hank ya!" Jill said.

"Why don't you go inside while I help Alex with her bags?" Lily said as she rested her head on Jill's back.

"Okay, Mommy," Jill said before running into the house.

I stood back up and Lily walked with me back over to the taxi, where the driver was pulling my bags from the trunk. "Where are you headed after this?" she asked me as she grabbed one bag.

I grabbed the other as I replied: "Sarah's."

"She'll be really happy to see you."

"I know. She might come here for a few days towards the end of my stay." I said.

"I'd enjoy that." Lily smiled.

She guided me inside and straight to the spare bedroom upstairs, where I would be staying. "Hamish is at work, and I will be downstairs starting on dinner. If you need help, I can help you unpack first."

"It's okay, I think I got it." I smiled at her. "Thank you, again."

"You don't have to thank me, Ali. I've been waiting to see you." She said before walking towards the door but stopped and looked back at me. "Oh, and I like the blonde." She grinned before leaving.

I smiled to myself as I looked into the mirror on the dresser. You could see a hint of my natural brunette hair peeking through, but for the most part, I was a bottled blonde now. I once dyed it for a job and decided to keep it that way.

After unpacking, I headed to the bathroom to set my things up and took a quick shower. After getting dressed, I walked around, getting familiar with the house. I found Jill's room just on the other side of the bathroom that was next door to my bedroom. I stood in the doorway and smiled at her. She was sitting at a small table with a tea set and various stuffed animals and dolls around the table with her.

"Can I come in?" I asked.

She nodded softly as she looked up at me.

I walked further into the room and sat down across from her on the purple rug. I looked around the room, seeing various posters decorating the walls; Fleetwood Mac and the Beatles to Barbie and some other kid things I didn't recognize.

"So, how's your mom?" I asked as I picked up one of the teacups.

"Good," Jill said as she filled it for me with imaginary tea.

"Anything special going on around here?" I asked.

"No," she shook her head. "Where ya come from?" she asked.

"I was in Europe for a while."

"Why?" she looked at me with a tilt of her head.

"I got a chance to go there for work, so I took it, but I'm back now. I think you'll be seeing a lot of me." I explained.

"Why?"

"Don't you want to see me?" I asked with a small frown.

"I 'hink tho, but why?" she asked again.

"Well, before you were born, and your mommy still lived in the city, I did a play with her. We became really good friends, Then, I met your Auntie Sarah, and we became even better friends." I explained to the best of my ability, without giving too much away. "I want to be around again."

"Oh, tho, you like Auntie Tharah?" she asked.

"Yeah, if you want, I can be your Auntie too."

She looked at me with a wide smile. "Okay!"

I heard a small knock and looked back to see Lily in the doorway. "Jill, you need to get ready. Dance is in thirty minutes."

"Okay, Mommy," Jill said before she got up from her seat.

I got up as well and walked over to Lily. "Can I come?"

"Of course, you can." Lily smiled.

I followed after her into her bedroom. I looked around in awe of it. It was decorated with her simple yet elegant aesthetic, just like the rest of the house was. I saw her sit down at her vanity and unzip a makeup bag.

"You know, you don't have to put makeup on. You're already beautiful, all on your own." I said as I plopped down on her bed.

"Alexis, I'm not thirty-five anymore. I do need makeup." She told me.

I sighed dramatically as I laid back. "I don't think so, but Sari never listened to me either."

"She never will either."

"You guys aren't even old. No wrinkles, nothing... I don't get the big deal."

"We think so."

I rolled my eyes before I sighing again. I never understood them and their excessive need for makeup.

"So, how was your trip?" she asked me as she started applying foundation.

"Amazing." I smiled. "I got so many amazing, wonderful pictures. I got to work with this one magazine while I was in Paris. I even did a show in London!"

"Really?!" I could hear the excitement in her voice.

She always wanted to do a show in London.

"Yes, and of course it was Shakespeare."

"Of course," she laughed.

"They told me if I ever wanted to come back, I could."

"Will you? Go back, I mean?" Lily asked me, somewhat hesitating with her words.

"I don't know." I shrugged. "It was fun, but I really miss things here. I know a lot has changed, but I wanted to move back.

"And... did you meet anyone?" her tone was timid.

"Yes, but it wasn't anything serious. I didn't stay anywhere for too long, except for Paris. That was my last stop, and I was there for a year... she understood that I probably wasn't coming back, so we said our goodbyes." I explained. It was going to come up sooner or later.

"I'm glad you had someone over there."

"Yeah," I sighed. "How are things here? You and Hamish?" I asked.

"We're good. He wants another kid because he wants a boy, but I'm not having another kid. One and done." Lily said.

"Oh, God." I laughed. "Who wants a boy? They're the worst."

"From a lesbian's standpoint, yes. But, for those of us who play for both teams, they're okay at times."

I sat up on my elbows and looked at her through the mirror. "You didn't always think that way," I smirked.

Lily blushed before looking down. "Shut up!" she murmured. "Where are you going after Sarah's?"

"I'm not sure yet. I mean, I'll be here for maybe a month, and then there for a month. I guess I'll figure that out when I have to. Right now, I just want to enjoy my time with you guys." I explained.

She looked back up, and I could see that perfect smile of hers, and I smiled back.

"If you want, you can always come back here. There's a good magazine in the city and I'm sure with your resumé they would hire you... and we have an extra bedroom until you get a place of your own."

"I'll keep that in mind. I might move back to New York and see about working on stage again. Photography was so much easier in Europe."

"Well, whatever you choose, just know that I support you."

I stood up, walked over to her, and placed my arms around her shoulders. "I know, that's something you always showed me," I said before kissing her cheek.

I know I shouldn't have done that, but it had been so hard not to kiss Lily since I first saw her from the taxi window.

I saw her cheeks turn a bright red, but her lips held a smile. She leaned back into me and looked up. "I did miss you." She told me softly.

"I missed you too, lovepants."

She scoffed and rolled her eyes at the nickname we all used to share. She zipped up her makeup bag and stood up from her vanity chair. "Let's get going before Jill yells at me for being late... again."

"Lily Rabe being late? Since when did this start?" I teased.

"Since I had a kid."

"Mommy!" we hear.

"See!" Lily laughed and I followed after her.

___

After dance was over, we headed back home, and Lily started on dinner.

I headed upstairs and pulled out my computer to hook it up to the internet. I clicked on FaceTime and called Sarah.

Within seconds her face popped up on the screen. She was smiling bigger than ever. "Alex! You're finally back!"

"I am," I smiled back at her.

"I can't wait to see you next month."

"Me too!"

While I had been to Europe, I had barely any contact with either of them, and I never saw their faces other than on the internet, in new movies, or shows.

"How was it?" Sarah asked as she placed her chin on her hand.

"Magnificent! Of course, it could have been better with you and Lily there, but I know you couldn't come really." I explained.

She smiled softly. "No, but I'm glad you had fun. How are you settling in?"

"Good so far. I went to dance with Lily and Jill. Seems good around here so far. I haven't seen Hamish yet. I'm a little nervous about that." I said before biting my lip.

Sarah rolled her eyes with a sarcastic laugh. "Yeah. I'm sure it won't be bad. He's over it."

"I hope so. I mean, I left right before they had Jill. I wasn't really with Lily then, as much as I was with you towards the end..."

"I know, but I think it bothered him. But, as I said, he's over it now." Sarah said again.

"Yeah... anyways, I can't wait to see you next month." I said again. "Do you have anything special planned for us?"

"Of course, I do." She smirked at me.

"Great," I smirked back.

"Ith that Auntie Tharah?" I heard behind me.

I looked back with a smile as I saw Jill peeking into my room. "Sure is, munchkin. Wanna say hi?" I asked.

"Yeah!" Jill said before running into the bedroom.

"You have no right to call her munchkin with how short you are." Sarah laughed.

"Oh, shush!" I laughed as I picked up Jill and set her on my lap.

"Hi."

"Hi, baby girl. How are you?" Sarah asked with a wide smile on her face.

"I'm really good! I loss my first toof last week!" she smiled before showing off the gap between her front teeth.

"Wow! How much did you get from the tooth fairy?"

"Five whole dollars!" Jill said as she held up all five of her fingers.

It made me smile to see how happy Jill and Sarah both were during their interaction. I knew Sarah had always wanted a child of her own, but never got the chance.

"Alright, princess, I'm sure you need to go get washed up for dinner. I need to talk to Alex a bit more. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay! I love ya!" Jill smiled.

"I love you too," Sarah said.

The girl hopped off my lap and ran out of the room. "Want me to clothe the door?"

"Yes, please. Thank you." I said. Once the door was closed, I looked back to the computer. "You're really good with her."

Sarah smiled as she looked away. "I love her like my own."

"I can tell," I said with a lopsided smile. "What else did you need to say?"

"I just wanted to say that I'm really glad you're back. I can't wait to see you next month, and..." Sarah looked back up at me. "And I love you, lovepants."

I felt my heart swell with joy. I had been so scared that they wouldn't love me anymore after I left. "I love you too, lovepants." I smiled brightly at her.

"You should get going. I'll text you later, okay?" she asked.

"Okay," I said with the same smile on my lips before we ended the call.

I grabbed my phone off my bed and opened up iMessage. I clicked on Sarah's contact 'lovepants 🥰' and started typing away.

I'm glad I'm back too. I'm sorry I didn't say that. I'm really glad you're not mad at me anymore either. I really do love you, I always have, and I always will

I hit send and went downstairs. When I reached the kitchen, I saw Hamish standing next to Lily. Part of me wanted to run straight out the door as he looked over at me.

"And I got to talk to Auntie Tharah. The was talking to Alith on the computer, and she theemed happy!" Jill said to them.

"That's great, princess," Hamish said.

I walked further into the kitchen, smiling as Hamish walked toward me.

"Welcome back." He said.

"Thanks. It's good to see you." I said softly.

I was lying.

"You too, Alex." He said before walking back over to Lily.

I sat down next to Jill at the table. "If you want, you can call me Ali, or Al. I've noticed it's hard for you to say your X's and S's."

"Yeah, I have a lithp." She told me.

"I can tell," I said with a small smile. "Just like Sari does."

"Mhm," she smiled brightly at this.

Soon, dinner was served, and it was one of my favorites: chicken parmigiana. "Thank you, Lily," I said as I looked down at my plate.

"You're welcome."

"Ali, why did you go to Europe?" Jill asked me.

"Well, a few reasons. The first was that I'm a photographer. I took a lot of pictures of a lot of different things and different places." I explained.

"Like what?" she asked.

"People, building, plays. I was in a play too while I was there."

"Nuh-uh! That's cool." She smiled.

"Yes!" I smiled at her enthusiasm. "I can show you later if you would like?"

"Oh, yeah!" she nodded before shoving some pasta into her mouth. "What elthe?"

"I saw some plays. Modeled for a few people. I met some very nice people and worked for a magazine." I explained.

"That's so cool!" she grinned.

After dinner, Lily got up and started to gather up the dishes.

"I can help you," I offered as I got up as well.

"Please?"

I gathered what she couldn't and headed toward the sink. I looked back to see Hamish walking up the stairs with Jill in his arms. "He seems different than I remember," I whispered.

"He changed after we had Jill," Lily said as she started washing off the dishes as I handed them to her. "A lot of things changed after that though."

"Like?" I asked.

"A conversation for when they're not here." She told me.

"Okay," I nodded softly.

After we got done with the dishes, we both headed upstairs, and I went to my room. I got changed, got into bed, and put Netflix on the TV. It was still a little early, but jetlag was going to be the death of me.

[thinking2muchh-blog]

#1 (Nov 8, 2018)

So this is basically where I’m gonna come to clear my mind - kinda like a journal that’s public enough where I feel like people can see, but not public enough to the point that people in my personal life know.

A little bit about me: I’m 18, a girl, Canadian, ISTP personality (basically what this whole post is about), in university, and am slightly feeling down right now :(

In regards to my personality type, I took the Myers-Briggs personality type and my result was ISTP. Introversion, Sensing, Thinking, and Perception. I think this represents me very well as I was reading more about it and I truly found that I could relate to so much of the stuff they were saying. The traits that stood out to me included insensitivity and how difficult I find it to emotionally connect with people - especially in a romantic setting. That’s mostly what I want to talk about today... 

So I’ve kinda been talking to this guy since June but wasn’t really into him (I think, I don’t really know) and recently by best friend started talking to him more. Initially, she just wanted to talk to him about me, but since she’s much more extroverted than I am, she finds it very easy to open up to people and therefore, people feel more comfortable opening up to her too. The talk between me and this guy definitely slowed down, which was fine because I wasn’t that into him, but also I think I like the chase?? I’ve never caught feelings for anyone in my life before so this is all new to me. Anyway, this morning, he admitted that he may be catching feelings for her and that kind of stung. I don’t think it stung because I had feelings for him or anything like that, but I think it stung because it felt like he was choosing her over me (which is kind of stupid). I’m not mad at either of them or anything because no one did anything wrong so :/ Just a little touched. 

The thing is, I want to be able to open up to people and be more comfortable around people like my friend is, but that’s just not me. Also I’m kinda just saying whatever’s on my mind so there’s probably no cohesion to this at all. But yeah, most of my friends are all long term or childhood friends because I find it so difficult to let people into my life on a more personal level. I have many acquaintances, but not many friends to hang out with and such. Well, I guess I would if I wanted to but I find it so difficult to gain the want to hang out with people other than the 3-4 that I’m comfortable with. I can also be blunt/insensitive/a little mean sometimes which I’m trying to fix about myself, but sometimes that’s my humour, but it doesn’t translate when the words come out of my mouth because of the tone I say it in :/ It’s something I’m really trying to fix because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but always end up doing... 

When it comes to romantic relationships, I find it difficult to allow myself to like guys. I don’t know if “allow” is the right word, but I definitely have a wall up. Tbh, I probably have a gate, wall, moat, electric wired fence and anything else you can think of. I don’t know why I have such a guard up?! My best friend has NO guard up when it comes to guys and can start to like someone within hanging out with them a couple times. She the type where the minute she catches feelings, any rational thought flies out the window. Whereas with me, I’m overly logical and I think I purposely find any flaw I can find as a reason to not like them. 

That’s pretty much it for now... I’ll spill more about my life slowly!

[murlinxmaverick]

Dear Erika

No more horsing around. I want you to be my valentine. but not just today, i want you to be my valentaine for the rest of our lives. No more horsing around, its valentinmes day

No more horsing aroud its valentaines day! you gave me this valentines day card 7 years ago today and asked me “ Do you get it?” i replied with yeah bc its a horse.” you said “no do you get it?” and in truth, I did but i was too emotionally imature and lacked the to know how to put it into words what i was feeling; How I felt about you. Ive held on to this card for all this time because dont want to let it go. You demonstrated such courage that day and all i could do in responce was to deflect your question and avoid the answer you wanted to hear. There’s alot that has changed about me but one thing remains the same, im a terrible liar. i didnt want to tell you the answer i thought you wanted to hear bc i didnt want to lie to you. i hate liars and i always have, but i have become a really good one over the years. this card is really important to me and im giving it to you today

theres always a moment when you hear someone talking about a biggest regret or maybe you hear a song about 

Unfortunately 7 years is a long time and we are no longer the same people we were back then. the little things i do remeber have have stayed with me and you pop int . but what i do remember has stuck with me. Every holloween i think of spooky Erika because you onve told me it was your favorite holiday. I remember that you hate cheese and every time i eat cheese i think of you which is very often. every time i look at furniture or pass a interior pass the funiture section at a  store i think of how you wanted to be an interiior designer and do you still hate your floor? and that you would watch anime and watched to be a voice actor, i actually decide I wanted to make a short animated fim and always had planned to ask you to be apart of it and voice act in it. but tthings have probably changed i mean you just got into a masters program and im sure those things arent on your mind anymire by the way congrats on that! ihad decide to writ you this before you posted that on the 11th andf i wanted to reach out so bad but i thought that would be weird and out of the blue. 

I was on instragream and i saw a tweet that said something like “after relationships boys learn how to treat the next the next girl but the girl is left broke for the next guy” or somthing like that. i thought of you when reading that and thinking that relationship taugh me so much about myself and i feared that the second half of that tweet was true just how the first [part was.  i was angery with myself and hating the fact that i cant go back to change it or the fact that i never appoligized and told you how i felt i kept telling myself shes moved on and woulkd rather not think of the past. ive tried to appologize before but everytime i would type out an apology i kept hinking to myself shes probably doing just fine without it and would rather not hear from me. ive doubted myself alot when it come to you but i want to change that. I dont want to hesitate osting something on social media just to avoid seraching for you name under the likes or views, i want to not care about that because ill have something better then a simple like, ill have y ou.

last year wasnt the best for me, i got in to a new relationship at the beginning of the year and the more i got to know her the more she reminded me of you. i making the comparison and eventually told her about you and what you meant to me and how i can never make it past the threee month mark whenever i am talking to someone new because Thats around the time we broke up and i just want our relationship we had to be the most impoortyant to me. when i broke things off with her and told her my reson she told me “I am erika and youre running away from something you want.” her words got me angery because i felt she had no right comparing herself to you and that she was wrong. months after the relationship ended i was going throw the things she had givven me to toss them out when i found this valentaines day card from you and when it came down to it i could let it go the way i was letting go of the things she had given me. i treated you so poorly and its my biggest regret but i cant change the past. i can only choose my future and i am choosing you! I am so sorry for what i did in the pastand i honestly feel like i dont deserve another chance but if you give me another chance i promise to never make that same mistake again! this card means alot to me, thats why ive held on to it for all this time, and today i want to give it to you.

I dont want to make any promises i cannot keep so i wont promise to never hurt you or to never disappoint you, but what i will promise is to always do everything in my power to make you happy. there are going to be times where you get fustrated with me and want to stranggle me because i am too “boy” to understand something you want from me but i promise to always try to give you the future you deserve. the future that i left in the past 7 years ago. i can only contol my actions and i am choosing to do everything in my power to dserve another chance at making you my valentine. not jsut today but everyday feburary 14 from here on out. I want to be the one who gets to know you entirely inside and out! i want you to always feel safe with me where vulnerability and love is communicated with our words, our gaze, our touch, and our embrace. theres so much i missed out on in the last 7 years and i dont want to miss anything else. Im leaving the card with you but I’d like it back. If you give me this chance, return the card to me and I will keep every promise i have and will make to you.

 Erika, will you be my Valentine?

[jagarledsen]

I have not addressed my tumblr in quite a while. Let’s go over today’s findings. 

“I get exhausted from overthink” 

* easily “distracted” It feels a lot like how I would imagine ADHD in myself if I had it. I know that I have traits from multiple mental health diagnosis, and my depression is supposed to mend those as well, but I am starting to think that the depression is lifting up and allowing me to express who I am and I might be someone with ADHD. Which is okay. There is a long history of zero tolerance for mental health issues in my up-bringing. To “admit” to having ADHD is like admitting I failed as a human and mental illness makes me feel like my dad thinks he failed as a parent. 

I struggle to find the line between “my father is” and “my father isn’t” the source of my trauma. I do not understand when I became so scared of him. Why his opinion mattered so much to me that my reality twisted into my entire life being to please him. It’s exhausting and tiring trying to live in a way that is acceptable to him but I can’t ever successfully live on my own because my depression was/is heavy and I can’t hold down a fucking job or keep relationships with any of my friends and it causes any live-together situation to go south and then bam I’m right back to dad’s. Every failed relationship and sour attempt to run away so I could breathe became a battle between who I wanted to  be and “LaKota”. I do not want to be her because she is literally depression. She is negative and hateful, has no empathy and gets off to the thrill of other’s suffering. She’s angry and careless. Gives no fucks to maintain anything about herself. All she wants is to get lost from reality. Part of me always wanted to go off and have a bunch of wild sex, do a shit ton of drugs, experience the darkest holes of society and have a true “human experience” but that freedom I desired was ripped away from me by my father at a very young age. I was not capable of digesting his intentions when he said “Only good/bad people do *this* and *that*” - For example;

“Young ladies wear underwear and bad girls don’t.” “Bad people smoke cigarettes and bad people drink beer.” “Bad people are always late. Good people are on time.”  This constant narrative that only bad people could do those things, and. I honestly think that... the reason I did all that shit I did when I was younger was because I thought I was bad. I sincerely believed that I was a worthless piece of shit that was completely undeserving of all things good and it spiraled out of control. I lost my mind. Something in me broke. 

I did the things I did - drinking, smoking, drugs - because I saw people who I thought were good people doing it too, and it made me curious - are the people who do those things bad, or are the things what make the person bad? LIke “good people can make bad decisions” - good people could smoke cigarettes. That would be the case if I thought I was a good person, but they only added into the depressing reality which became my life. When I started drinking, when I started smoking, when I started smoking weed - everything. Every major life event has lead me into another substance abuse issue. The thing is - when it was time to quit, I quit. I quit  I asked Wife if I could ask her questions. I want to know how our conversation went when she confronted me about my drinking and poor decisions.  I feel so guilty. How could I have done the things I did? How could I have ever thought any of my actions were okay? But that’s literally the point. I was a child lost in a world of adults I couldn’t trust and my only support system was other fucked up people. Except Rylan and Wife. They were the only two constants in my entire life and I think it’s because they are sincerely good people.  Wrote Rylan a message. Will post it after.  ------------------- “by remembering everything. its like utilizing the “voices” in my head which are basically just me/one me now but two constantly.  It isn’t like I’m thinking of extreme random things that have no relation. It’s, “I need to do task A but in order to do that, Tasks B and C need to be completed. I cannot complete C without first finishing H which requires two people--” and so on. Or - “I’m going to look up a leash walking video. This video promotes another video unrelated to leash walking, but a good video to watch along with leash guide. Open link - watch non-leash related video. See another video about dog tricks and training next level commands. Wait is that a hamster trick video?! Oh hamsters are so cute, I miss my hamsters. Now I’m going tot hink about my hamsters and go to facebook to look at old photos which takes me to replying to messages and the whole thing starts over when I start to google things I talk about with other people to educate myself and have information to bring forward XDDD 

[whimsymuse]

🌻85 TRUTHS TAG🌻

— rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

Thank you @notsoguiltykpop for tagging me in this. I’m sorry this took my so long, I wanted to answer sooner, but I didn’t have time and then it completely slipped my mind and stayed as a draft.

 I’ll tag @zigzagkyung, @jinsbangtan and @ibangtanthings if you guys want to do this. I wadded an 85th question because there wasn’t one and I wanted to know more stuff. :P

• Last:

1. Drink - Some creamsoda sodastream concoction

2. Phone call - My friend so that we could freaek out about something

3. Text message - My sister. We texting eachother after my mom yelled at her after someone else almost hit us with their car while my sister was backing out of a parking space.

4. Song you listened to - Don’t leave me ~ BTS

5. Time you cried - A few weeks ago I think, when I watched Coco with my sis

• Ever:

6. Dated someone twice - Nope (what is date???)

7. Kissed someone and regretted it - Yes. I kissed one person and I regret that being my first kiss.

8. Been cheated on - No, Ihaven’t dated sooo. People have cheated on my tests before. (If I wasn’t already nerdy enough)

9. Lost someone special - Yes

10. Been depressed - Yeah

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up - No

• Fave colours:

12. A deep cerulean

13. Maroon

14. Peachy pink

• In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends - Yes

16. Fallen out of love - Yes, I think? Not sure if what i felt was love but ://

17. Laughed until you cried - Definitely

18. Found out someone was talking about you - Yes

9. Met someone who changed you - For sure

20. Found out who your true friends are - Yes

21. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list - Nope

• General:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl - Almost all of them, they’re all my family and friends.

23. Do you have any pets - No , but I have many plants

24. Do you want to change your name - Yes! My parents did this thing where they gave me two names and called me by my second name and I din;t know I had a first first name until I was 8 and it started mesing up my school files. I live both of my names, but now that people are calling me by both, I feel so detached from both names.

25. What did you do for your last birthday - Went to a board game cafe with some freinds. Let’s just say I will not be eating cake again anytime soon and that I am just as clumsy as my bias.

26. What time did you wake up today - 7:40 and its a weekend =.=

27. What were you doing at midnight last night - Reading fics probably.

28. What is something you can’t wait for - For me to be done all of these exams!!

30. What are you listening to right now - Distant cars driving down the highway and my fingers type on my laptop.

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom - I spoke to a Tomas. I don’t think I met a Tom, but odds are I have.

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves - When people dragg metal across metal, or glass. Omlll I’m cringing just thinking about the sound.

33. Most visited website - Instagram or Tumblr I think

34. Hair colour - Dark brown with some lighter brown around the bottom

35. Long or short hair - Medium. I recently cut it myself for the first time beace I was bored.

36. Do you have a crush on someone - Nopee

37. What do you like about yourself - My ability to see the bright side of situations and people. It just makes life simpler and happier imo.

38. Want any piercings? - Yess! I want a couple small ones on my left earlobe and maybe a cartillage piecing.

39. Blood type - A+ (my parents asked why it doesn’t show in my math marks)

40. Nicknames - Bittah bittah, Caramel Macchiato, Brokoro, Half of the full moon (the better half)

41. Relationship status: Single

42. Zodiac - Aries

43. Pronouns - she/her

44. Fave tv shows - Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, Avater the Last Airbender and Game of Thrones

45. Tattoos - No my parents would skin me alive

46. Right or left-handed - Right

47. Ever had surgery - No, though considering the amount of times i’ve hurt myself I should have by now.

48. Piercings - One in each ear, but I’m hoping to get more!

49. Sport - Yes! I used to by on my school’s volleyball team, until people got good and I couldn’t play at all in high school. I ADORE dodgeball (with the soft foam balls cause I refuse to whip the big rubber ones at people).

50. Vacation - I’m going to Europe for the first time this summer!

51. Trainers - No

• More general

52. Eating - Nothing, but now I’m hungry

53. Drinking - Nothing

54. I’m about to watch - My computer turn off casue I’m too lazy to get the charger

55. Waiting for- My exams to be over so that I can finally relax.

56. Want - To pass my exams and BTS tickets

57. Get married - Hopefully in the future. I want a family, but I also want to explore the world first, so we’ll see how things go.

58. Career - I want to work in something pertaining to international relations. I adore learning about and encountering different cultures and I reallyy want to help as many people as I can around the world.

• Which is better

59. Hugs or kisses - Hugs!

60. Lips or eyes - Eyes

61. Shorter or taller - I’ve fallen for both, so I don’t think that matters to me.

62. Older or younger - Older, but again, not a big deal to me. As long as you’re sweet and we’re both mentally on the same maturity level.

63. Nice arms or stomach - Arms. I see abs and the first thing I think is, ‘this person watches what they eat... Idk if we’ll do we’ll together’

64. Hookup or relationship - Relationship.

65. Troublemaker or hesitant - Troublemaker, but i keep falling for hesitant people.

• Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger - No

67. Drank hard liquor - Yes?

68. Lost glasses - No

69. Turned someone down - Okay, so quick story time: A guy approached me in the store while I was listening to my music with both earbuds on. I only realized he was talking to me and managed to take out my earbuds when he was already half done what he was trying to say and all I caught was, “very beautiful, and I just wanted to know if you were single.” And me being the awkward egg that I stuttered out a ‘s-sorry no’ and I wanted to just casually say that I’m not interested, but immediately after he said ‘oh you’re not single’ and stupid me said “N-no, I’m not interested.” GODDD it’s been a week and I still feel so bad!!!

70. Sex on the first date - No

71. Broken someone’s heart - Doubt it

72. Had your heart broken - Yes

73. Been arrested - No

74. Cried when someone died - Yes, it was for my grandma when I was 4, but I barely knew her so I was only crying becasue my mom was.

75. Fallen for a friend - Everyone I fall for starts off as a close friend (With one exception)

• Do you believe in

76. Yourself - Most of the time

77. Miracles - Yes

78. Love at first sight - I believe in profound attraction, but I think love is only felt after seeing someone at the best and worst and then caring for them so deeply regardless.

79. Santa Claus - Of course! My presents are on the line

80. Kiss on a first date - If I really like the person, sure. But I’m so awkward so probably not.

81. Angels - Sometimes. I’d like tot hink someone is watching over me.

• Other

82. Best friend’s name - Abby, Sharon and Sharu

83. Eye colour - Dark rown

84. Fave movie - Princess and the Frog/Tangled (I’m a child, but a child with taste)

85. Anything you recommend to check out? So I’m a huge nerd and recently got into dnd. If you’re into that, I’d check out The Adventure Zone podcast. If you’re into crazy medical history I’d recommed the Sawbones podcast!

[swanqueeneverafter]

08. True North, Pt.4

Storybrooke. Present. Mr. Gold's pawnshop. (Emma enters while Mr. Gold is cleaning an oil lamp.) Mr. Gold: “Emma, how lovely to see you. (Puts down the lamp:) I'm flattered to take time off your busy schedule for me. What can I do for you, sheriff?” Emma: “Deputy.” Mr. Gold: “Of course, my mistake.” Emma: (Puts the compass on the table in front of Mr. Gold:) “I'm looking for information on this old compass. Any idea where it could’ve come from?” Mr. Gold: (Picks up the compass:) “Well, well, look at the detail. You know, this is crystal. This jewelled setting. Despite the rather unfortunate shape it's in, this is actually quite an unusual piece. (Puts the compass down to the table again:) The person who owned this obviously had great taste.“ Emma: “And where would someone like that buy it?” Mr. Gold: “Right here, of course.” Emma: “You know it?” Mr. Gold: “Indeed. Piece like this is difficult to forget.” Emma: “Do you happen to remember who bought it?” Mr. Gold: “Well, I'm good with names, Miss Swan, but (Walking to another side of the shop:) maybe not that good. However, As luck would have it, I do keep quite extensive records. (Opens a drawer and searches in it:) And, yes, (Takes out a white card:) here we are.” (He then holds the card and says nothing.) Emma: (Understanding what Mr. Gold wants:) “What's your price?” Mr. Gold: “Forgiveness.” Emma: “How about tolerance?” Mr. Gold: “Well, that's a start. The compass was purchased by Mr. Michael Tillman.” Emma: “Anything else?” Mr. Gold: “Just a name. But I generally find that’s all one needs. (Emma nods then turns and walks towards the door:) Good luck with your investigation.” (Emma looks back then continues to walk. At this time, the card Mr. Gold took out is shown to be blank.) Storybrooke. Present. Michael's automobile repair shop. (Michael is reading the file about Ava and Nicholas that Emma gave him.) Michael: (Gives the file back to Emma:) “Not possible.” Emma: “Actually it is.” Michael: “Sorry. But Dory, she wasn’t my, my… It was just once.” (Turns back and walks to continue tending a car.) Emma: “Sometimes that’s all it takes.” Michael: “I met her when I was camping. And, we um… No, it’s not possible. I don't have twins.“ Emma: “Yes, (Michael turns his head and look at Emma:) you do. You have twins that have been homeless ever since their mother passed away. Your twins have been living in an abandoned house (Michael continues working on a car:) because they don't want to be separated from each other. Your twins are about to be shipped off to Boston, unless you step up and take responsibility for them.” Michael: (Hand gets injured by accident:) “Look, I can barely manage this garage. I can’t manage two kids. (Walks back to his working table:) Why are you so sure they are mine?“ Emma: (Taking out the compass:) “Besides the timing? Have you ever seen this?“ Michael (Walks towards Emma and receives the compass:) “I lost this.” Emma: “Let me guess, twelve years and nine months ago? (Michael looks up:) I know it's a lot, believe me, I know. A month ago, a kid showed up on my doorstep I gave up for adoption, asking for help with… something. I ended up moving here for him.” Michael: “I heard about that. It's the mayor's son. But staying in town is, a lot different from taking him in.” Emma: “I don’t have my kid, because he already has a home. They don’t. Those kids did not ask to be brought into this world. You brought them into this world, you and their mother. And they need you. If you choose not to take them, you are going to have to answer for that every day of your life. And sooner or later when they find you, because believe me they will find you, you are going to have to answer to them.” Michael: (Pauses for a while:) “I'm really sorry, I am, (Puts the compass back into Emma's hand:) I don't know anything about being a dad. If it’s a good home you’re looking for, it's not with me.” (Walks into a back room and shuts the door.) Storybrooke. Present. Blanchard Apartment. (Mary Margaret, Henry, Ava and Nicholas are having fun while Emma calls and Mary Margaret picks up the phone.) Mary Margaret: “Hello.” Emma: “Hey, it’s me. I need you to come outside right away.” Mary Margaret: “Is everything okay?” Emma: “Don't say anything to the kids, but no, it's not.” (Mary Margaret turns to take a look at the kids, who are all smiling.) Storybrooke. Present. On the street. (Emma is talking to Mary Margaret.) Emma: “He doesn't want the kids.” Margaret: “And you don't want to tell them.” Emma: “I can’t. Because all I'll be telling them is that false hope I gave them is exactly that.” Mary Margaret: “The truth can be painful, Emma, but it can also be cathartic.” Emma: “I agree on the painful part.” Mary Margaret: “Hey, look, you told Henry the truth that his father is dead and he’s handling it great.” Emma: “I didn’t tell him the truth.” Mary Margaret: (Confused:) “What?” Emma: “Henry's father was no hero and trust me, he does not need to know the real story. Maybe we can hide the kids, just until we can find a family for them, someone to take care of them.” Mary Margaret: “Yes, hiding a twelve-year-old is a good plan(!)” Emma: “You have a better idea?” Mary Margaret: “Emma, maybe there isn’t an idea, maybe you just have to…” Regina: (Suddenly coming from behind:) “Deputy, shouldn’t you be on the interstate?” Emma: “What are you doing here?” Regina: “Seeing to it that you do your job.” Emma: “You know that you don't need to check up on me. I know what I have to do.” Regina: “Really? Because those kids are supposed to be in Boston tonight.”

The Enchanted Forest. Past. At the Gingerbread House. (Hansel and Gretel are put behind a metal cage.) Blind Witch: (Locks the gate and tries to grab a child with her hand between the metal bars:) “Where are you? (Touches Hansel's arm:) Oh, yes, nice and tender. Succulent roast you’ll make.” (Walks to the oven and feel the temperature of it.) Hansel: (To Gretel:) “God, she’s going to cook me. We gotta do something quick!” Gretel: “Stay calm. When she opens the cage, don’t try to fight. (The Blind Witch walks to a table and cuts some ingredients:) Then you must grab the keys in her pocket and toss them to me through the bars.” (The Witch puts down a knife and walks back to the cage.) Hansel: “She’s coming. She's coming. I can’t do it. I'm gonna die.” (Gretel pushes Hansel out of the way wanting to replace him.) Blind Witch: “Gravy or butter? Which shall it be? (The Blind Witch reaches for a child through a bar and touches Gretel. Gretel steps on Hansel so that he makes a noise. Thinking there's a fat boy for dinner, she opens the gate and pulls Gretel out:) Come with me, little boy. (Gretel gets out and the witch locks the gates again. Gretel takes the keys from the witch and throws them to Hansel. Hansel opens the gates and escapes. The witch is tying Gretel's hands up while Hansel goes up the stairs to try to find a weapon. He finds a cane but trips over when getting down the stairs. Hearing Hansel, she turns to him:) Gravy or butter? Gravy or butter? (She hurls Gretel to the front:) How should I baste you? (Hansel tries to hit the witch with the cane but she uses magic to fling the cane out of Hansel’s hands. Hansel wants to step back from the witch but he's reached the wall already.) Butter it is. Time to cook.” (The witch grabs Hansel and he tries to fight. Gretel unties her hands and pushes the witch onto the tray for baking. Hansel and Gretel push the tray into the oven and close the oven door.) Hansel: “Right, Gretel, lock her in.” Blind Witch: “Let me out! (Hansel gets back the satchel and they escape from the door:) Let me out! You come back right now! Let me out! Don't leave me here. Let me out!” The Enchanted Forest. Past. Dark Palace. (The Evil Queen watches the Blind Witch through the Magic Mirror. Then she hurls a fireball to the oven through the magic mirror and the Blind Witch screams in pain.) Evil Queen: “I would've gone gravy.” Dark Palace. Night. (Hansel and Gretel arrive with the satchel.) Evil Queen: “My dear children, were you successful in your task?” Gretel: “Yes, your majesty. Though we were almost made into dinner.” Evil Queen: “Oh, how barbaric. (She signals to the guard behind Hansel and Gretel and the guard leaves:) Now, if I could have my satchel. (Gretel hands the satchel to the Evil Queen:) I've waited for a very long time for this. Let's hope you didn’t let me down. (Puts her hand in the satchel and takes out an apple:) Oh, you did it.” Gretel: “Yeah, we did.” Evil Queen: “You've got a strong heart, girl. (Reaching to Gretel's chest:) You remind me of myself at your age.” Hansel: “We did all that, for an apple?” Evil Queen: “Oh, trust me, dear boy, this is not just an apple. It's a weapon, (Walks to her dressing table:) a weapon for a particular and devious enemy. One who’s still under the illusion, (Puts the apple into a small chest:) that she's safe.” Gretel: “Whatever your plan is, we did what you asked. Now you have to keep your promise and find our father.” Evil Queen: (Walking back to Hansel and Gretel:) “Of course, to reunite your family so you can live happily ever after. You were left alone in the woods. You deserve better than a father who’d abandon you.” Gretel: (Sadly:) “But he is all we have.” Evil Queen: (Bends down:) “Perhaps it doesn’t have to be.” Gretel: “What do you mean?” Evil Queen: “You and your brother have impressed me. You aren't the first boy or girl that I've sent into that sticky, sweet house. But you are the first to emerge. And as a reward, I've decided to invite the two of you to live with me, here.” Hansel: “You mean, that we get to live in a castle?” Evil Queen: “Yes, you would have your own rooms of course, personal carriages, valets, too. All of your dreams could come true.” Gretel: “No. We want our father back. He would never abandon us. (The Evil Queen starts to get angry:) And even if he did, we would never want to live with someone as terrible as you.” Evil Queen: “Is that so?” Gretel: “Yes. We're going to find him, with or without your help. And when we do, we're going to prove you wrong.” Evil Queen: “We'll see about that.” (She creates a black smoke that envelopes Hansel and Gretel.) Storybrooke. Present. On the street. (Emma tells Ava and Nicholas to get into her car while Regina and Henry watch them.) Emma: “Come on. It's gonna be… (Takes out the compass and gives it back to Ava:) Here. I'm sorry. We gotta go.” (Ava and Nicholas get into the car in silence. Emma shuts the door with anger.) Regina: (To Henry:) “Let’s go, Henry.” (Henry shakes Regina's hand off his shoulder and runs to the car’s driving seat.) Henry: (Through the window to Emma:) “No, you can’t take them. They can’t leave Storybrooke, Emma, they can’t. Something bad will happen.” Emma: “Something bad has already happened.” (Emma starts the engine and drives off. Regina watches with a mischievous smile on her face.)

[randomfanficlounge-blog]

Antisepticeye Dossier

A/N: Vix here with another dossier! These are more or less just thoughts I've been thinking to myself. For me, that's kinda what makes certain fanmade characters of YouTubers interesting to me. You get to sit there and try to discover what makes the character tick and all that. I have seen a lot of people, not all but a lot, of people pursue more of either 'what' and 'how' a character came to be.    

Which are very good questions but most of the time, people forget the 'why' portion of the character's existence. Why do they exist? Why do they do what they do? Why are they like this? And so on and so forth. And figured it'd be best to write it all down in case I forget important details and such. Also acts kinda like a FAQ... depending on the question. Also it is subject to change as I tweak it here and there in the future. Remember, I did not create Antisepticeye this is all just my collection of thoughts of how he came to be. Why he came to be as he is now. Anti is relatively new to me but caught my interest and after watching several videos, mostly one that show all the Antispeticeye moments… I sat here and thought about it. Hell I'm listening to the original song, Anti Personality by SecretlyMarkiplier'sBarry, right now as I'm writing this. Fucking good song to be honest.  

But since Anti is still new to me, there's not going to be very much information on him here, until I finish my analysis of the character. Enjoy.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Theme: Anti Personality by SecretlyMakiplier'sBarry Name: AntiSepticEye Aka: Anti, AntiSeptic, Anti-Jack Age: N/A (depends on when his concept 'creation' was made which I don't know) [but for now his age is equal to Jack's which is: 27 years old] Height: Exact height as Jack Weight: Exact same as Jack's weight Hair: Exact same as Jack's style, if only a bit more wild and the green fluctuating between a darker or lighter shade than Jack's Eyes: Blue but can at will turn them into a solid jet black Clothing: Originally, he was clothed in dark hoodie and jeans. Currently wears a slimming black T-shirt, skinny black jeans and black shoes. Possibly a type of boot. He also wears a pair of black stud earrings, gothic in type. Unsure if they are the magnetic types or bar bell. Personality: Erratic and demented, Anti is twisted in nature, often giggling and laughing maniacally between bouts of ranting and raving. He has a strong desire to harm others by any kind of means; be it physical, emotional or psychological. He pairs that desire with his desire in scaring others, often interfering Jack's videos with his presence and sliding his beloved knife across his own neck to generate that fear; which he takes great delight in.

But he also harbors a great amount of anger and hatred for the fanbase and Jack himself… as well as a hatred for Darkiplier. Perhaps even a wicked streak of envy a mile long, perhaps jealous of the love Jack receives from the viewers; the fan-base thinking less of the evil entity and Dark being the more popular dark entity.

Granted, that is… debatable. He never truly states his reasons why he's angry. He's also quite intelligent, just because he's insane doesn't mean he's a fool. [Edit:] His intelligence is proven in a recent video 'Kill Jacksepticeye Bio INC Redemption' where he reveals that the entire time the fan-base had believed they had gotten Jack back from Anti, that it had been Anti who was in control and fooling them from the start. Not does make it amusing for him in fooling the fan-base but also agitated that they once again, threw him aside for Jack and mocked him. To which he threatens more harm on Jack 'next time', should the community forget about him or mock him again. He seems to also threaten Jack's other alter egos with harm should they step out of line once more. Anti is growing more confident in his powers and abilities, conducting control over Jack and the other alter egos like a puppeteer. He openly taunts and challenges the Jack's community to 'rescue' Jack themselves, as the alter egos are under his control and power. Weapons: Currently only known to have his beloved knife, but its possible he has multiple blades hidden on his person. Fighting Style: Close quarters with his knife (or knives) as his weapon of choice. Possibly a defensive fighter. Strengths: Aside his possible expert skills with the use of a knife; Anti possesses great agility, similar to Jack obviously. This also gives him great flexibility to dodge attacks and strikes, paired with his knives and possible defensive style; Anti can twist his way around oncoming attacks and slice at his opponents with his knives. It also gives him better chances at striking vital organs and if he manages to get behind his target, go right for slitting the throat.

Be mindful, however, that attacking him at close range is not recommended at the highest degree. With his glitchy movements, striking Anti is almost impossible and even harder to read his movements. Even mid-range and long-range attackers are to be wary, his speed and agility will allow him to close distances in short bursts.

Its gathered that he's able to create illusions and generate fear with those illusions to work in his favor. Its likely he is able to glitch warp in short distances and can interfere and control electronic equipment, namely cameras, computers and microphones. It is uncertain if he can warp into the internet like Virus!Cry can or not; but it is proven that he can cross to other dimensions as shown in Darkiplier VS Antisepcticeye video. Which could lead to possibly have the strength of a tulpa, like Darkiplier.

[Edit:] Anti's powers and abilities are growing in an alarming rate. He has exceeded prediction with his hold on Jacksepticeye. He refuses to let him go and it is concerning that he has been active this entire time since October of last year. It seems that he can control his host and his alter egos like a puppeteer, making them walk and talk as he wishes, or able to interfere with their doings if they attempt to help Jack escape his grasp. Extreme caution is warranted, Anti is a wild card and enjoys every minute of it. Weaknesses: Uncertain. It is not known what exactly are his weaknesses. So only those we deem as 'weakness' will be listed for now. While its possible that Anti can appear at will if he wishes, it seems to only last for a short amount of time. It also seems he can take control much better and faster, if Jack is under stress or terrified and possibly on Halloween. But Anti can also appear if he so much as feels as if Jack or the fan-base 'forgot' him or cross some invisible line with him.

As he is, for now, listed as a defensive fighter, its assumed that he does not have much in attack power, making him more towards a defense/evasion speed class fighter. So its possible for more powerful enemies to overwhelm him if they manage to get a hit in.

[Edit:] It seems there is another weakness Anti shows. His strong desire to be recognized and seeking attention… this is possible that he needs the viewers to pay attention and keep in him in mind for his strength and power to grow. As well as his overconfidence, that could lead to his downfall in the near future… but he is intelligent. His eyes never leave the viewers, his 'puppets'… even if he fails this time, he will learn and grow stronger. Relations: Jack (JackSepticEye) as his host for possessing and lighter counterpart; Mark (Markiplier) destests the man; Dark (Darkiplier) absolute hatred

Fears: Unknown Backstory: Unknown

Theories: 1) I was thinking along the lines that Jack is still alive, because... you know, Anti would have difficulty controlling a dead body and no amount make up and cologne would cover that up. But its possible that, Anti made us and Jack think he died, because there's not enough 'blood' to show that Jack bled to death for his evil counterpart to posses. Remember what Anti says as Jack was playing one game, "Forgotten? Or too afraid to remember?"

Jack could've been SO scared about the action Anti was making him commit in front of the camera so much in Say Goodbye, that he passed out; allowing Anti to take control without realizing it, hence his 'last words' "Help me..." Which could imply Jack was calling for help in the hopes of someone walking into his room and snatch the knife from him or attempt to rescue him before he thought he was dying. So this could mean that Anti needs Jack to be alive (until fans start to think of him as an entirely separate entity like how we recognize Darkiplier is) but unconscious or weak from fear or stress to take control for more than a few seconds. But this is just all in theory, yes I posted the theory in Antisepticeye page in Fandom wiki. 2) Given Anti's ranting in Say Goodbye then in Always Watching, it sounds like he's angry at the fanbase for he assumes to be 'walking all over' Jack… and angry at Jack for being 'too weak' to put his foot down. So its possible that Anti had wanted to protect Jack but with Jack suppressing him and keeping him inside 'for too long', he was denying Anti the right to do so. Locked away and chained where he couldn't lash out, Anti could have gone insane with his desire to help and his rage at the fanbase and then later towards Jack, has cracked his mind. And lost all care of 'protecting' and went for harming and generating fear to get people and Jack to listen to him. Again, all in theory. 3) With the same videos… as listed previously, this theory tilts toward the idea of Anti being a tulpa, a manifestation of the minds of the fan-base and Jack himself, thus being the evil and insane counterpart of the Irish YouTuber. But… no one paid attention to him and became jealous and angry of being 'created' for no reason but to be a whimsical fantasy… perhaps merely a 'copied' idea fans had thought about in relation to Darkiplier.

That could be his source of hatred for them all, just nothing but a copy and not treated equally.

And in his jealously, he sets out to take the attention he believes he deserves… one way or another, doing things that others couldn't do. Possessing Jack and 'killing' him to prove his power (which is very likely an illusion he created to gain easy access to Jack's body) ; and directly challenging Dark for position of 'King' of the… dark realm they're in, to prove he is better and assert his existence to others. [Whether it be Raspy Hill (given that Dark had shooed him away and told him he 'didn't belong' and to 'go home'…) Or YouTuHell (or YouTuDark… whatever the hell the darkside of Youtube is called) or some other dark realm Dark rules over currently.]

The actions he does, the interferences with Jack's videos to openly confronting Darkiplier, could be ways of him not wanting to be taken lightly, thought of as second best or perhaps to not be forgotten. 4) Combining theories 1 and 3…

Anti seems to be a tulpa, a manifestation of the minds of the fan-base and Jack himself, thus being the evil and insane counterpart of the Irish YouTuber. But… no one paid attention to him and became jealous and angry of being 'created' for no reason but to be a whimsical fantasy… perhaps merely a 'copied' idea fans had thought about in relation to Darkiplier.

That could be his source of hatred for them all, just being thought of nothing but a copy and not treated equally.

And in his jealously, he sets out to take the attention he believes he deserves, one way or another... doing things that others couldn't do. Forcing Jack to believe he was dying to easily possess the unconscious and terrified YouTuber. After all, he enjoys harming others, you can't harm a 'dead' person. But he can harm him more than physically, letting Jack suffer in trapping him in his own mind, unable to communicate with the fan-base freely. Even going as far control his movements, watching him with a sharp eye.

This action allows Anti to prove his power as well as instill fear, dominance and control over Jack, his alter egos and the community. Anti seems to grow in power the more people think of him and he continues to fuel that thought to gain that extra strength. This strength allows him keep control over Jack, pretending to be him to fool and taunt the community. Of course, it doesn't take long for Anti to be upset as people don't think of him often as he likes… which is to be evil and extremely feared.

In the video, 'Kill Jacksepticeye Bio INC Redemption', Anti interferes with Dr. Schneeplestein's attempts to save Jack. Taking control of his actions to stall and make things worse, even go as far as nearly getting the doctor to strangle himself with the headphones' wire. This proves his strength in power and being able to take control of others aside from Jack.

Though this is probably because Dr. Schneep is an alter ego Jack has.

Anti rants about being in control and tired of the fan-base ignoring him. Its possible that while in Jack's body and searching around to see what people thought of him (Anti), he sees that people… do not fear him. Instead, they romanticize him and turning him into, what he calls, a 'glitch bitch'… which he doesn't like being seen as and sees it as an insult.

I mean, I don't blame him really. You're an evil counterpart of someone and people think of you as a romantic figure and basically whipped… you'd be pissed too.

It's also possible that he's angry at being mocked in the 'Darkiplier vs Antisepticeye' video. Doing it with Mark, in thinking it would be more serious, only to see it was a mockery of what he wanted to do. Which is directly challenging Dark for position of 'King' of the… dark realm they're in, to prove he is better and assert his existence to others.

This is kinda proven when Anti mocks 'Dark' to 'put on' more make-up; cunningly insulting Mark that he was as weak as Jack and that the world is Anti's since Jack isn't there to stop him. As well as taunt Mark that his best friend is gone and he doesn't even realize it. Though that is merely an assumption. But its still scary to think about… all the youtubers pretending to be their evil personas and yet there was a true one among them.

The actions he does, interfering with Jack's videos to openly taunting the community, could be ways of him not wanting to be taken lightly, thought of as second best; and most importantly, to not be forgotten. [These are currently the theories made so far by this mind… more could be made as more information is found. For the current moment, this report on subject: AntiSepticEye is up to date.] [The document is subject to change as more information is brought to light. And as subject: AntiSepticEye grows in power… there will be more to come.]

[kimbapcrying]

Journalism!Jimin

jimin is such a radio-television-film nerd

he loves broadcast so much especially during football season when he gets to run the technical board for the big screen

he even gets to go with his friend taehyung, who’s the photographer for the newspaper, to these events and it’s just all around a good time

he also just loves telling the camera people what to do (highkey lowkey he loves the power)

but even though he’s super passionate about broadcast and he loves the class he’s in and the friends that are in it, he really just wants to do film and be a cinematic bitch

it’s always been jimin’s dream to make a cool feature length film, but when he tried to sign up for the film class the scheduler messed up and put him into broadcast and his optimistic ass was like “hey u know what that’s okay”

this boy is just all smiles and happiness and everyone in the program loves him because he’s always making news packages and feature stories that look AMAZING and he is just such a kind soul yes

he also loves being on air and he’s definitely the most well known person at school because on air he’s such a cutie and everyone is like wow! that’s the broadcast guy

he’s also pretty well known bc he’s on the dance team and he’s amazing and people are like wtf ur just perfect?

he’s just always willing to learn new things and he’s open to so many options

even though he’s pretty well known, the school is pretty big and there are teachers who are like “oh, the announcements are on let’s just shut it off and use these ten minutes to do more work:)”

(bc like the broadcast runs everyday for like 10 minutes at like 10:45 am)

(just to... be clear)

and you happen to be in one of those classes

your teacher is like we have more important things to do than get information on the school :)

and you were like :/ because you didn’t want to do work, but you honestly didn’t care too much since you didn’t understand anytHING in this class so any time was good time to catch up

but one day your teacher wasn’t in class bc he was sick or something and the sub just kind of let the announcements run and you were like okay whatever i’ll just ignore this and keep doing work

but like you hear the softest and most a ngel ic voice in the world and immediately you’e enraptured

like your eyes are glued to the screen and the cutest person you’ve ever seen in your life and he’s cute with his orange hair all swept back and his smile eyes and you’re like “wow! would ya look at that”

you didn’t catch anything that he actually said though

but like you’re essentially i n  l o v e  with this boy now

but you straight up don’t know his name or shit about him

so late you’re at lunch with ur friend hoseok and you’re talking about the cute boy with orange hair on the broadcast and he’s like “OH YOU MEAN HIM?” and turns and like points to him and ur like fuck hoseok what the fuck

so like hoseok being Hoseok catches his attention obviously and he like looks over with his cute wide eyed confused face like “what who me?” and ur like god damn it he’s still cute

and he looks at hoseok pointing and you trying to shove his hand down and gives a big eye smile and you’re melting

but he just looks back at his lunch and hoseok turns back and everything is like normal except your face is burning from embarrassment

hoseok: his name is jimin

you: thanks you didn’t havE TO EMBARRASS ME TO TELL ME THAT

the next day your teacher is back and he shuts off the broadcast like normal but now you’re kinda sad that you’re missing out

like u got a taste of jimin

and once u jimin you cant jimout

you kind of give up on the idea of seeing the broadcast again and go back to doing your work but now your mood is like :(

but then you remember snapchat exists bc hoseok sends you a snap of jimin on the announcements with like 400 wink emojis all over it

and immediately you’re like “pleASE ke ep sendi ng me snaps of hi m”

and hoseok is like “okAY gosh...”

so that’s how u get ur daily dose of jimin

which is admittedly a little weird but hey listen ur school work load does not allow very much time for cute broadcast boys

so you always go to cafes to study bc like u have a lot of work that u need to get done and you need a shit ton of caffeine to stay awake and every time u go u got like bags under ur eyes and u probably look like you’re on the verge of a breakdown but this is what u get for wanting to take the hardest damn classes

and you’re sitting there trying to type ur 1000 word essay that’s definitely due at midnight and tbh you actually are about to have a breakdown

and you’re so concentrated on your essay that you don’t even notice someone set their stuff down across from you until there’s a tiny hand waving in front of your screen

you’re super annoyed like who the fuck is breaking your concentration and about to curse at this guy

but u look up and make eye contact with none other than pa rk jimin himself

and your mouth is kind of hanging open like wh at is happening am i having a fever dream i s this real have i becom e so tir ed that i am hallucinating?

and he’s like “hey, the rest of the cafe is full, is it okay if i sit with you and work? I won’t bother you” and he gives u a cute shy lil smile and you’re like ho w could i even t hink to say no

so he plops down and pulls out his laptop and starts working and you’re like flustered but you gotta keep working

so yall just sit there in silence for like two hours doing your own respective work

and you’re kinda glad jimin is there. his presence relaxes you for some reason

after u finally finish your essay and you feel good about it and submit it you like shut your laptop and start packing up and you’re super satisfied like yes i really did that 1000 words bitches take that professor

“are you leaving?” jimin is like giving u a damn cute look like his elbow is on the table and his head is leaning against his hand and he’s smilin and you’re like “...... yes?”

and he closes his laptop and packs up too and you’re like “wh at” and he’s like “let’s get food!” and you’re like “w h a t”

jimin: there’s a burger joint a few doors down let’s go

you: you don’t know me?

jimin: i wanna get to know you ;)

and you’re like wtf... is he flirting? (also that was cheesy as fuck who does he think he is)

but you end up going to get food with him anyway

and you’re like why and how is this happening?

yall order and sit down and jimin is being a damn cutie just all smiley and shit

(he’s so fucking cute i don’t think anyone would be able to handle it)

and he’s talking to you and you’re kind of responding, but you don’t really know how to handle this situation because you definitely didn’t expect your night to go like this

eventually you’re like “why are you doing this, i don’t think you even know my name?”

and he’s like “yeah i do! it’s Y/N right? hoseok told me lmao we’re buddies on the dance team”

and you’re like “oH” and also in ur mind like god fucking damn it hoseok why didn’t u tell me

and then you’re like “you’re on the dance team?”

and he lights up like yeah! i love dancing! it’s super cool and fun and i love everyone

and you kind of fall in love with the way he just lights up

and he just keeps talking about how much he loves dance and then it becomes how much he loves broadcast then he’s like talking about how he wants to become a filmmaker and a director of photography and he’s all over the place but it’s really cute and you listen to every word he has to say

and at the end of the night yall are walking back to ur cars and he’s like “waIT fu ck i wanted to get to know u and i literally just talked about myself the whole time” and he looks so sad ? and you’re like wtf ? stop being cute?

and you kinda giggle like “here lemme give u my number and we can talk more”

and he fucking lights up like a damn christmas tree again and you’re like yeah im dead for this boy

he hands u his phone and u put ur number in and ur like there :) it’s all good

and he looks so happy he like leans in and gives u a kiss on the cheek and is like awesome! i’ll catch u later and runs off

and again you’re like w hat

and once you get home u have like a ton of texts from jimin

all of them have winky faces in them

he’s like “tonight was fun ;) let’s do it again some time ;)”

after that he’s always inviting you to e v e r y t h i n g

especially his dance practices and the sites he has to film at

you: i have homework

jimin: do homework while i’m dancing! we can get food after

and you guys start spending ALL your time together

bc when you two are working both of you are so concentrated, but yall just enjoy each others presence so much it’s relaxing and easy (which u really liked bc ur literally always stressed about school)

and he never officially asks you out, but everything just kind of falls into place?

like one day yall were back in the cafe and he was editing a video and you were doing ur calc hw and he was probably like “hey babe can you grab me some napkins” and you were like “babe?” and he was like “ho ld on that jus t slipped ou t” and you were like “omg... it’s fine i mean... i can be your... exclusive babe?” and he was like “;)” and you were like “stop that”

and yall become the chillest couple in the world

yall push each other to do the best u can do like he always supports you with ur work and ur like “yeS that is my BOYFRIEND on the announcements”

and even though u don’t actually get to watch the announcements, jimin would definitely try to sneak tiny shoutouts to you, even though the teacher is like don’t do that. he’ll like type a tiny “love u” in the corner of a graphic bc he’s a cheesy motherfucker

at one point jimin invites u to one of his film contests and ur like yell heah i’ll go

you also want to go bc he never shows u his films like he’ll show u the stuff that he works on for broadcast but when it comes to cinematic stuff he’s like “it’s a secret;)” and ur like fuck u

and u didn’t really know what to expect bc like what is a film contest even like

you hadn’t even watched his film yet bc he REFUSED to show u

but at the event, they were screening all the films and u see this one that’s just like so cinematically b eau tiful and it just immediately draws u in and ur like hol y shit and jimin is like haha guess who made that

and ur like “hol y shit u did that?”

and he’s like “yeAH i did that” and ur just so proud of him

when they announce winners jimin’s film gets first

and he’s like so happy he picks u up in a hug and twirls u around and yall are like “yEEAH”

in the heat of the moment he gives u a big kiss

and you’re like !!!

and he’s also like !!! bc tbh neither of you expected him to do That

but you’re like fuck it and pull him in for another kiss

he’s all skinship after that

he loves giving u light kisses while ur working

you’re like “ur distracting” and he’s like “;)” and you’re like “stOP DOING THAT”

one day yall are just laying around and cuddling (damn cuties u two) you’re like why’d you even sit with me at the cafe that one day like what made u do that

and he’s like “well u know that one day when hoseok was being loud and pointing at me or whatever” and ur like “oh god yes don’t make me remember” and he’s like “well, i thought u were cute and i asked hoseok about it and he was like lmao they’re into u, but like i didn’t actually decide to get close to u until i saw how cute u looked concentrating on ur work in the cafe and u also looked like u were about to cry so i wanted to keep u company”

and ur like okay that’s cute stop being cute? and hes like no

and you two are just the cutest and most hardworking but lowkey couple. you guys just understand each other really well and work hard for what yall want and it’s good it’s just a good time and you guys love each other so much it’s ridiculous

yall are probably the type of couple that’ll be like laying on opposite sides of the room doing your own respective work and jimin would probably look up at u and see u workin real hard and he’ll be hit with how much he cares about u and he’ll just be like “god i love u” and ur like “i love u too” bc it’s just so natural for yall

Journalism!Taehyung (link)

[bubwagon]

this weekend was a trip

i went to oregon again

i spent this weekend feeling anxious and nervous about whether or not someone i used to sign off with an “i love you” to wants me around, likes me, or cares about me. yes, that’s the wrong tense. i’m too nervous to place it in past tense.

anyways, that’s probably indicative of a bad relationship, but i don’t think my relationship with ian was ever bad, just not exactly what either of us needed at the time. i definitely need someone who’s more emotionally available, and he needs someone who doesn’t live so far away from him. it’s fine that we broke up. i’m emotionally intelligent. i don’t really want to pine for what i can’t have right now, or what isn’t good for me. but i love him. i always love people. it’s pretty unfortunate. my gay ass just wants to emotionally connect with everyone i meet. i don’t know what circumstances led me to choose someone so closed off and emotionally distant, but they happened. i love him! and i’m comfortable loving him as a friend but i just need that reassurance that he feels the same way.

which, like, i received. i had another serious fucking conversation with him (his favourite)

i was like, hey, i really value you, and i don’t want to lose you, and i don’t know how i’m gonna still gonna be friends with you if you respond to facebook messages at a rate of 1 every 4 days.

and he gave me this whole thing about how his closest, oldest friends are ones that he speaks to once or twice a year. it’s not a big deal for him. he doesn’t feel the need to reassure people that he likes them, and people who he’s friends with don’t need that. which is fine, if that works for him. i’m a huge talker. i wanna connect all the time. it’s not about not needing to talk to someone to prove that you like htem, it’s about liking them and /getting/ to talk to them for me, because you like doing that. we both admitted that part of the problem was that we went from 0 to dating in a snap and we never sussed out the “friend territory”. at the same time, i don’t need to be update with the minutia of his life. i don’t need him to change the way he maintains friendships for me, because, well. probably because i view it as either i play by his rules or i lose him completely, because he’d never acquiesce to mine. which sucks, but it’s….. just what happens with my life sometimes. maybe a lot of the time. but, i don’t need to talk to him every day.

he assured me that he wouldn’t just ghost me and that he wants to still be my friend. he even said that some day in the future he’d want to revisit dating if our lives ever lined up. he said something about “not wanting to take it off the table completely”. don’t get me wrong, i love his skinny white ass. and i’m really happy that he likes me enough that he’d consider doing this all again. he’d have to do some like, character growth before i could see myself dating him again. he’d have to value people slightly more than WoW. He’d have to be a little better at reaching out, and be a little more comfortable with emotions. the binary of not seeing each other/living together meant that i always craved intimacy when we were apart, and he’d crave space when we were together. anyways, that’s a tangent. the point is: he /must/ like me if he’d want to date me again, especially considering we broke up. he /must/ not ghost me or lose contact with me forever because he said he wouldn’t. right?

when i approached him about this i waved for him to come over because i needed a hug and he did give me a really nice hug. he kinda joked about being exasperated, it hink. but he held me for like the amount of time i needed. and he let me let go first.

(warning gross intimate stuff comin right now just skip this paragraph)

i slept in his bed this whole weekend which some people (read: everyone) think is weird. it was honestly really nice. he’s shit about communicating vocally, but he’s not bad physically. he’s pretty cuddly, which is funny because he’s not the kind of person who craves physical intimacy. on the last night i laid my head on his stomach in bed and he put his hand on my shoulder and kept his other (the reddit phone hand) on my head. it was just kind of a tentative shy touch, but he did it because he wanted to, which was relaxing. later, when we were getting ready for bed i asked if he’d be the big spoon for a minute, because i normally spoon him. and he did and it was nice. he always puts his arm under my neck and i hold his hand. he kinda scoops me in with the other. sometimes we’d switch and i’d lie with my head on his shoulder and his arm around me. every few minutes he’d hold me extra tight for a second. he’d press me into his body in a half hug. i don’t know why because he had class the next day and shoulda been trying to sleep. eventually, i spooned him, and he like, nestled his body all the way flush with mine. i don’t remember him doing that when we did date. he reached behind him and stroked my leg. sometime during this whole night i got half up to adjust a pillow and to give him a kiss. i propped myself half up and dipped to give him a lazy little smooch. to my surprise he held me there and we ended up having some really bomb sex. since i’m getting all the way confessional here: he does this thing i fuckin love where it’s like doggy but he keeps his back flush against mine, one hand around my neck, the other on my clit and his heads close enough to growl in my ear and it’s like, a slow burn of a fuck sorry guys i’m really writing this so i remember what happened and well, THIS HAPPENED. oh, another thing thta happened: i was going down on him and i kissed my way down his chest and he would not stop shaking so i asked him if he was cold, he said a little so i threw a blanket on top of him, but he kept shaking it was satisfying. honestly i’m proud of him he’s gone from a shakin little vigin boy to Fun to Fuck in the span of a few months. @the next girl he dates: YOU’RE WELCOME. god imagine if the next girl he dates is still me.

okay the main point of that was he would not have held me if he didn’t like me. he wouldn’t have hugged me when he was trying to go to sleep if he didn’t care, because he cared enough to lose sleep making me feel good. or making himself feel good. especially because we talked about just, physical affection in general, and how ian is not the kind of person who CRAVES it. like, he’s very cuddly when it’s presented, but he doesn’t seek it out and doesn’t feel the need to do it when it’s presented. so like, he’s because he wanted to, right? it’s not because he was craving touch, he wanted to touch me? sounds dumb to say. ian’s not the kind of guy who is gonna spend a lot of time talking about how he feels about you. (before, when we were on honeymoon high he’d tell me every night that he thought i was funny, and cute, and pretty, and nice, and beautiful, but that was ALl the Way Back TheN) but maybe he’s more comfortable expressing it physically. i guess it’s fucked up that i need to reassure myself he likes me or that he cares about me. i thinik today in the car i was trying to be like “well that’s just how he is” and ellis was like “fuck that do not make excuses for him” which i fucking appreciate. i guess my insecure newly anxious ass needs to write this all out and point to evidence that tells me that without a doubt in some ways he feels about me the way i feel about him.

that’s honestly all i ever want! just to feel like someone feels about me the same way i feel about them. i rarely feel like i get that because i feel like i love everyone way too intensely. which is like, stupid, because i don’t know how people feel. they could like me exactly as much exactly as much without showing it in the way i do (i.e: with no subtlety) or care about me exactly as much without having the resources i do to be generous about showing it (i’m a people person, it’s easy for me to be there for people, it’s easy for me to care, it’s easy for me to lend people financial, physical, and emotional resources because i have access to them) and that’s just a thing i have to deal with and get over. and it can suck? because i feel like i’m the one compromising or lowering my expectations or ignoring my own needs for the sake of others. it’s not their fault, but it’s not mine either. like, i’m being dramatic, this isn’t EVERYONE, but it’s been one of the mainstay problems i’ve had throughout my life that i’ve never been able to fix because it feels like the answer is “love less and be more selfish” and even though i’m certain it’d make my life easier i don’t wanna do it!!

some other things i want to remember:

he looked out for me in small ways. if i laid my head down and turned off my phone he’d turn off the light. when it came to dinner plans i had mentioned i didn’t want curry, ellis walked in and when we asked him what he wanted he said curry. we had been going on for so long about what we wanted to eat i wasn’t gonna say anything but ian spoke up and said “bob say she doesn’t want curry”. we were talking about some stuff and it went kind of like:

me: i was gonna say something shitty

him: what

me: it’s not shitty in a way that’s going to be fun for you

him: i can take it

me: (bitterly) something about how i’m glad i was useful, like a tool. like a screwdriver, or a good shotglass.

him: right, like that’s all you were here for. could you give yourself some more credit PLEASE?

me: can you not say this gay shit to my face liike this?

him: you’d be more like a hammer

me: why?

him: it’s like a tool that kindergarteners would know

here’s another thing i should remember: nick told me ian said he was stressed about dealing with someone being so sad all the time. he doesn’t have a lot of bandwith for stuff like that, and he got busy in school, and he just got out of a deep depression a little big ago. he needed to be further away from it, not closer. i told nick that it was because i was more depressed this year than i’ve ever been before, and it’s because i had a breakup w/ a boyfriend who was always there for me. my life was just More Stressful and instead of getting more support, i was getting less, and that that was making it worse. i just needed to feel like someone cared. and it coulda been in little stuff.  if once a day ian asked me how i was, i guarantee it wouldn’t have been like this right now. anyways, this not a big deal. i said, it’s not his fault, but it’s not mine either. and nick said, it sounds like it’s more his fault than yours. O one last thing I was like worn out about dealing w/ emotions and he was like, yeah I can tell, so even if he doesn't speak up he notices?

a lot of this sounds like he just didn’t… really…. care in any significant sense. and it’s kinda weird? a lot of the stuff that people have told me about him line up with what i know. he’s emotionally distant. he shuts down. he doesn’t know what feelings are. he doesn’t know how to be there for other people. he experiences friendships and relationships on a surface level. he’s shitty at girls, sometimes to girls (holla @ my girl erica) he won’t get real with you. he’s shitty at communicating. the way i met him was with us talkiing for 10 hours a day about whatever shit was going on. we’d trade traumatic life event stories as a way to bond. one night, i told him that after i was raped 3 times in my freshman year and just the way i dealt with it and thought about myself afterwards, that i had self confidence falling out of my asshole, but i didn’t give a shit about myself either. if i died i wouldn’t care. and later he admitted he cried after hearing that, because it made him so sad. we used to skype a lot, and if i was upset i wouldn’t look into the webcam because i don’t meet people’s eyes when i’m sad. when i did finally look at the screen, he’d always be looking at me. not at his phone or other screen, which is what he usually did. but at me. not saying anything, but it was all i needed to feel like someone was connecting to me and that they cared. all of the stuff i know from him int he beginning is out of line with what i’ve learned about him now and from this weekend. maybe this means i’m special (never the conclusion i really want to draw) or that he tried. honestly, i do think he tried his hardest. 

this has been an astoundingly long post. i’m at a friend’s house in seattle and he pulled an all nighter so he’s in bed so i’m just in his guest room waiting to feel tired.

i’m gonna tl;dr it:

what i want:

- reassurance that ian likes me, cares about me, and wanted me at his house this weekend

- the comforting knowledge that this won’t be the last time i ever see him and that he cares enough to continue our friendship. i want him to want to see me again.

- to visit corvallis again and see my cool new friends and maybe while i’m there continue this friends-with-benefits thing which will hopefully be easier with more emotional distance from our breakup (sorry i’m a huge ho lmao it takes me so much effort and trust to find someone i’m comfortable hooking up with i don’t wanna stop a good thing you know!!)

- reassurance that my relationship with ian was a positive thing in his life, and that he enjoyed his time, and maybe learned something about himself or people

- and maybe one day, to date him again when he’s worked out some stuff on his end

what i know:

- he told me he wants to be my friend still. he told me he would want to try dating again. i asked him several times if he still wanted me to come over, and he said yes every time. he held me at night which is a language i can loosely translate to mean i value your company, i want you here, and i care about you.

what i need:

- to accept our new relationship in whatever form it takes, and to do it with as much grace as i possibly can

[moondropcavernsanctuary]

Never Give In|| Ryōma || TRIAL 4.5 || Re: MIUN, Kazuo, Tsurugi, Imoo|| Attn: Coco

Things weren’t going anywhere with thinking like this so he figured it was best to try and change the way the conversation ought to go. If not he was looking at pretty dire straits. And as he pulled on his scarf he tried to organize his thoughts out. “Okay, look, let’s try and knock out all the hypotheticals and the weak evidence. What we really need to know or look for is evidence that shows if anyone in particular went to the Sporting Good Store, or the Food Court. While we’re at it let’s cut down the suspect list. I’ll go as far and say that I don’t think Shiba-san or Tsurugi-chan were involved over the hair thing. So that’s two people off the suspect list. And we can be assured that Koko-san, Shiba-san, and Shinichi-san are innocent because they found the body. You want to add strength to the matter? Then you’d probably have to cut out Psalm-chan, Nona-san, and Hibiki-san” He repeated himself a bit but that’s besides the point. He gripped his scarf, the tension continued to mount against him. Why did everything want to pile on him and suggest that he was the killer? He was being cooperative, he gave his alibi, he was doing his best! “So where does that leave us? That leaves Myself, Miunhosei, CoCo-san, Kazuo-san, and Imoo-san. So then let’s talk about Alibis, so far we’ve all given then. Sans Coco-san… and there’s one other thing that It hink ought to be brought up that’ll make things easier for us all hopefully.” He feels some relief as a sudden thought rings in his head. “The only thing that I haven’t brought up are these broken glass shards that I found in the ice cream place. There are some shards that are missing, probably some that were cut in order to make the trap with the fishing line. That and the fact that for some reasons I smelled violets or lavender in the food court. Does anyone here know of anyone that wears perfume or cologne that’s got that kind of scent? Well regardless there’s a more important issue.” For once he lets go of his scarf and puts his hand to his side.. “The sound that Imoo-san heard was probably the sound of the glass cup breaking. So that would mean that the culprit was probably in the food court around 3…” He taps his temple and manages a small smile. “There’s my proof! There’s no way I could’ve been in the food court around 3AM and at the lake. Kazuo-san saw me leaving around then, I’d have to be blitzing to make it all the over there and even then I was sick as hell! It wasn’t me! It couldn’t be me!” He seems almost radiant that he manged to find some kind of solution that would prove his innocence. “I guess by association that probably means that Kazuo is also innocent too.” There it is, a more relaxed tone comes from him as he hopes that he’s able to go and convince others. “Which means we should be looking at people who don’t have alibis for 3 AM. Out of the people listed I believe that only Coco-san isn’t accounted for. I trust Imoo-san,” He has to because he’s really his only logical out here. “And as much as I don’t like Miun, I don’t think he did it either. So I want to hear from Coco-chan. She’s strong, in fact we talked way earlier about how strong she was. She could totally do it to.” He doesn’t mean to sound so accusatory, but when it’s his head on the line he has to get aggressive somewhere. “But for everyone else that wants to somehow put the blame on me fine, I get that a trap seems like something I’d do. I am smart, I won’t deny it, and I’m very technical in the work I do. So fine… if you have to at least I can understand that much. But my alibi makes sense, and if you want details fine! I’ll give them to you. I wanted to be alone, so I went to the lake. That’s all I wanted, so obviously I moved away once I realized that KAzuo was there and that he might’ve killed me. After that I went to the gym, why? BEcause I was so tired, I wanted to sleep but couldn’t. I figured that I could workout there and make myself so worn that I’d fall asleep. It didn’t work, all the running, and weight training, and everything I did only made me more pumped up and awake. Want to know what happened next? I saw ghosts, yes ghosts! I saw the dead, all of them! Haunting me and corralling me to the old cooking area, and they haunted me there I was too scared to leave because they would get aggressive and stare at my face whenever I tried to leave. It took me a whole hour to muster up the courage to leave and go to the old tent area cause I figured no one would be there. I felt horrible, I felt like I was going crazy, that I was going to end up some insane shell of my former self.” He clutches his hair and leans over his podium. “And now I feel like I’m expending every possible out just to explain how and why I didn’t kill Yongliang-san. I didn’t do it dang it! I don’t want to die! So can you please stop just trying to explain every small detail in a way to blame it on me!?”