i had a dream that there was a genuinely benevolent man who wanted to give away $400,000 no strings attached to someone who truly needed it, and for some reason he considered me in the running, and i was like, "oh, i would have been last year, but i'm not anymore. like i need to be honest with you, i'd LIKE the money but i can't in good conscience take it from someone else. i'm able-bodied now and nearly back to full independence"
and he was like "okay, show me. climb these stairs."
and then he brought me to a staircase made up of about 60 incredibly steep steps. that were so sheer it was like a vertical rock climb.
my right hip was already hurting but i was like "yeah lmao, no problem :)" and started to climb. it became Immediately Apparent that i couldn't put my full weight on my right side, so i carefully hobbled up each step using my left leg and the railings.
halfway up my hip fully gave out.
the guy was like, "okay, okay, stop, i've seen enough. oh my god no. hey. STOP" and i was like "NO, I CAN FUCKING DO IT. I TOLD YOU I CAN DO IT AND I'M GOING TO DO IT." and then i pushed myself up the remaining steps by using my arms and hopping on my good leg.
which was difficult but achievable! i was incredibly proud of myself. i am the hulk. i am buff. i have the arm strength of a god.
sadly no one else was nearly as impressed. at the top there were a couple women who i guess worked with the mysterious benefactor, and they grabbed me and hauled me onto the upper landing like "WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING DO THAT?? WHY DID YOU DO THAT" as i Finally got to sit down.
anyway.
i then woke up with my right leg twisted well over 90 degrees. and pinned beneath me.
because my hip had subluxed worse in my sleep than it has in probably, like.... Over A Year.
so.
this is what two weeks without PT does to a motherfucker.
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for real i’m just gonna recommend to everyone of any age at all to start stretching at night. at the very least do some back stretches if you sit all day!! i have a squiggly scoliosis back which is prone to acting up, so right before bed i do some cat/cow and cobra stretches along with toe touches—or attempts at them when i first started out. took some time but i can touch now! it’s definitely helped me out!!
right now i’m trying to improve my hip and calf flexibility by continuing the toe touches to be deeper and even trying to work towards splits with deep lunges and cobbler’s pose. we’ll see if that goes anywhere, but the point is if your back hurts even a little bit of light stretching can probably help you out!
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..:: What Else Is There? Weekly :: 2024.03.14 ::..
// Lndn Drgs recruit Leven Kali and Compton's Most Wanted to do some laid-back late night wayfaring atop a classic Tyrone Davis sample on Amalfi Drive.
// Willow plays some enchanting piano before bowling us over with rapid fire vocals about the light and dark within us all on Symptom Of Life.
// Ariana Grande doesn't mind being haunted as her angelic voice breathily floats across Max Martin's expertly rounded bass synths as they buzz and hum on Supernatural.
// Girl In Red fires off some piercing stabs of guitar and even a bit of a banjo while proclaiming she wont be slowing down anytime soon on Doing It Again Baby.
// Meatbodies get down to work singing of the bleakness of heartbreak with a bundle of fuzzed guitars before transitioning into an outro jam of fuzzed synths on Hole.
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There is just this rage that comes with realizing your body is just completely fucked while still outwardly looking Fine.
And then garnering the judgement of family who have convinced themselves you’re not trying hard enough.
And still waiting for a finished diagnosis to try petitioning for life-long physical therapy, pain management (that are NOT opioids when you can’t take nsaids, and you’re deemed too young for steroid injections especially as it is never brought up as an option), and ssi disability. Because what else are you gonna do. Especially when you’ll always be a burden. Capitalistic life isn’t designed to allow you to rest so you can still do Something within your limitations and not get injured, anyway. Or have energy left for yourself.
(No one is really clever enough to help, either. Is it even worth the risk to try contacting rehabilitation services when you need to stay on medicaid for a eventually-debilitating auto immune disease that has to have very expensive injections twice a month, all the while it’s the hypermobility that makes even being a student or hobbies or chores so iffy?)
And then trying to befriend some people. But there’s this wall there. They radiate concern. Sometimes affection. But I don’t want pity. (I don’t know how to accept actual sympathy to my face by their vibes and tone and body language, anyway.) I just want secure friendships. I just want—for once in my adult life, or my life period if including neurodivergence’s and the resulting cptsd from not even remotely accepting environments—to not be my Problems. Someone else’s Problem.
I just want to be human. I want to have fun and feel capable and not blunderingly or intentionally reminded that I’m not.
(Am I even worth being someone not pitied? Not judged? Will I ever be fun?)
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Next in Fashion Season 2
Next in Fashion is a Netflix reality show that features up-and-coming designers competing for a chance to launch their own collection with Rent the Runway and win $200,000. The second season of Next in Fashion premiered on March 3, 2023, and is hosted by Tan France and Gigi Hadid12. The season consists of 10 episodes, each with a different theme and guest judge. Some of the themes include…
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