#hoping this decade is kinder to me tbh

[kibasniper]

guess who hit the big 3-0? it's me!!

[magic-crazy-as-this]

fanon vs canon: we're talking (an essay)

Hiya! I've been seeing a lot on my dash these huge arguments about fanon vs canon in the DC/Batfamily univers, and it's getting pretty heated. People seem to be getting upset about what "counts" as canon, what parts of the story are "real" or "made up by fans" and what is "allowed" to be "real".

Personally, I find the entire argument to be reductive and extremely so.

Here's why:

Batman as a property has existed for 85 years. The idea and mythology and story of Batman has been handled by countless writers and artists, been seen in every kind of artistic medium, and has been changed over and over again over the past eight and a half decades. This story has never been told the same way twice and that's half the point of these stories and mythologies we've built up. We've seen Bruce Wayne be morally questionable if not outright reprehensible, a loving father, a staunch loner, a murderer-by-proxy (Batman v Superman, you know not what you do). It's okay to pull ideas from across time because, well, there's a lot of it and things are changing all the time!

There's a lot more there than we can easily comprehend (this is kind of more of a "1a, but fine, whatever, hey) This is something I see a lot where someone is accused of being "too fanon" only for it to turn out to be something pulled directly from the over eight decades of work. Maybe it's not productive to accuse people of this kind of thing when maybe, just maybe, there are sources for this.

Flattening these characters into "allowable" ideas of the character limits our creativity I mean, think about it for a moment: why should we limit what stories we tell and things we create by what other people tell us is acceptable? After all, if we said there were only certain kinds of stories and ideas allowed, we would never have Dark Knights of Steel, Red Son, or even Batman Beyond. Without taking risks, making changes, and telling our own stories, we miss out on so many amazing ideas that would never be permitted to bloom. (ok but the LEGO Batman movies make Damian this cheerful people-pleasing little ball of sunshine and that's not it tbh, there are limits)

People are more nuanced than you think - it's okay to be a little contradictory (this means you!) When I was growing up, I was in an intense and huge music fandom that engaged in something called The Great Poser Hunt of '07 (IYKYK). In what was supposed to be a loving space for the outcasts and forgotten weirdoes of every known high school, we would bully each other relentlessly for "not liking the right thing" or "not being a real fan" and we would constantly test and torment each other over it. It was stressful, it was awful, and it made me and many others like me feel like we had to fit a certain aesthetic, mindset, and media taste otherwise we would be outcast again and this time from a group already ostracised. (And these aesthetics and media tastes that were chosen for us by large corporations but whatever, that's another essay for another day) I listened to Backstreet Boys in secret with my iPod under the blankets, I could let none of my friends know about my secret love of Bon Jovi, and the parts of my heart devoted to 80s New Wave were locked away where no one could see. I felt reduced to what other people wanted from me. I hope you're reading this and thinking "man, that sucked, I don't want to be like that! I want to like all the things I like and proudly!" Which is grand! Please continue to think nice things for yourself! My question to you now is: why would we do this to fictional characters, too? Why can't Dick Grayson be cunning and clever, sometimes kinder than he is wise, friendly and funny and horribly ruthless when he needs to be and all at once? Jason Todd already embodies this kind of thing by being a head-taking badass biker who loves the classics but you know what, he can listen to Slipknot and Britney Spears! That's okay, too! And whatever it is you like, whether it fits a certain aesthetic or scene or mould, that is okay. You deserve to enjoy your things freely and without shame and without shaming others. (So leave Jason's Katy Perry CD collection the hell alone, ya vultures!)

In conclusion:

It's okay for people to make up new ideas for the things you love. It's okay for people to try new things. It's okay for you to disagree with them, too, you don't have to like everything anyone ever comes up with.

But bullying people for their creativity, especially when there's over eighty goddamn years of media to be inspired by, when limiting creativity is stifling and has us miss out on truly special things, and when people in general are more nuanced than you think?

[isagrimorie]

[initial reactions] Doctor Who - Revolution of the Daleks

TLDR: I liked it! But I do have some nitpicks. But bottom line, I liked it! Especially the exit! 

Apologies going in, if it’s rambling and incoherent.

First off, I’m going to get my criticisms out of the way:

- They really need to hire these two people:

a) Sensitivity readers

b) They need to have people of color in charge of casting. Andy Pryor has done a great job casting people but. Since they opened up casting more actors of color to be more diverse... most people in guest roles die. So it ends up being Not A Great Look.

It’s the kind of breezy: We’re hiring more actors of color without really considering the optics of it. Colorblind casting in this way shouldn’t be colorblind. More diversity behind the scenes is needed, especially in casting.

Colorblind casting isn’t representation. Execs have to consider how it looks that a black man is helping create ‘Security Drones’ for the government.

c) I get why Jack Robertson lived, and I’m actually okay with it because I know Chibbs is going somewhere and he’s interconnecting Specials to be their own kind of continuity, so next Special or series we will have Robertson appearing. But I can’t believe the Doctor believed Robertson. Unless she’s really learned from not interfering with politics, but man I wish there’s more vindication to that. I do have a sense of where this is going though, more on that later.  

d) I wish they’d gone harder with the Dalek = Police thing.

e) I really kind of wish the Doctor escaped on her own.

And now for my thoughts and the happy!

RYAN! I LOVE RYAN. I LOVE RYAN BEING EMOTIONALLY MATURE AND PUSHING BACK ON THE DOCTOR. It felt... earned that they do and, Ryan’s always been the more hesitant of the three and the more grounded. I love that it’s Ryan that the Doctor confided in, I’ve always felt like Ryan was the one Thirteen connected to the most after Grace died. And I love his development, ever since Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos Ryan is the first to quote the Doctor back to herself from the guns rule and now here to ‘New can be scary’, reminding the Doctor of her own words.

But also, I love that Ryan felt more connected to Earth, with his friends. Yaz was always the one who looks to the horizon. I like that Ryan pushed back on the smokescreen the Doctor tried to put up. Ryan was tired of the smokescreen. He had 10 months to work on his feelings about it and realized... he liked being home.

I wish we saw more what they were doing at home, like what Chibnall wrote for the Ponds in Power of Three. I did see this was his arc he was building to.

I liked that Graham was torn but eventually his loyalties are with Ryan.

I honestly think the fam thought the Doctor was just gone for a week, her time.

Also: FINALLY A COMPANION EXIT WHERE THEY’RE THE ONES WHO WALK AWAY. And because it’s time.

NO MORE TRAPPED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE OR DYING OR BEING CONVERTED PLEASE. Anyway, that is why I was vindicated because I was getting pretty antsy at all the twitter posts almost gleeful at the thought of companion death.

Nope. No more please. No more world ending, universe ending, heartbreaking ends. I want a Jo Grant walk away, and that is what happened. (Er, I hope we don’t get a Tegan leaving from Yaz, though. Sad and disillusioned walk away).

Yaz. Oh, dear, Yaz, who seems to have tossed her career away running after the Doctor’s shining star. I loved her conversation with Jack, he was a nice contrast and sounding board. Also, Jack was much kinder to the Doctor because they didn’t miss each other, the Doctor (according to RTD’s retcon) deliberately left Jack on Satellite Five.

Yaz is willing to run and jump without looking because of the Doctor and I love that we got her feelings about this.

And, of course, the Doctor. The moment Ryan said she missed 10 months, I felt she knew the clock was ticking on her ‘fam’. She’s trying to be good to them and do right by them.

(The Doctor knows Ryan’s ready to leave, she knew it. She’s trying to be in denial about it. But she knows).

It’s a small detail but when she processed the ‘ten months’ bit, she quickly looked to Ryan. Because if it’s one of the subtext things around is that she wanted to be a better father to Ryan than his real dad. But she still skipped out on him unknowingly.

The way he just brushed it off, because the worst part is. Ryan is used to it.

It’s sad that the Doctor opening up to the fam was brought on after a decades’ long solitary, and probably a promise to be better. But, she calculated wrong, or the TARDIS deliberately chose to go to that time. Whatever the case, just when she’s opening up to them is when Ryan decided his time with the Doctor was at an end.

God, the moment when Thirteen said: “Mostly... angry.”

I felt this. hard.

I think it was @ssaalexblake​ who mentioned that Thirteen acknowledging she’s angry might help with all of Thirteen’s repressed anger issues. And I think these are baby steps towards that.

She’s actually been so angry for so long, but she kept pushing it down. Like I said, Thirteen, in a way, reminds me of Raylan Givens of Justified. People think he’s mild mannered, but as his ex-wife amicably opined, Raylan was the angriest man she knew.

And I feel this for this Doctor but at least, now she’s addressing it. The first step in fixing a problem, is identifying the problem.

This was made in 2019. Thirteen being in a repeating lockdown felt very 2020 to me. The things that made me go: Oof, was the Harry Potter thing, the Doctor’s always loved HP. Unfortunately it’s post-2020 hindsight where we go: whoof.

I love Thirteen still mouthing off and being obnoxious towards other Doctor Who baddies. The Weeping Angel thing is cool and so are the Silents. BUT ALSO THE DOCTOR CALLED THE P’TING TINY! AND SHE TRIED TO EAT THE PRISON BARS. 

And then, of course, being more obnoxious with the Daleks. It’s pretty clear the difference in rawness of the Doctor’s feelings for the Daleks and the Cybermen. The Daleks’s an old ember. Her feelings for them are ice cold. A purity of feeling. The Daleks are evil and she has no compunction on killing them, the Cybermen? More personal and a raw nerve.

She’s willing to be cold towards the Daleks. 

I really like that Yaz has more skin in the game, and she knows what she can lose now. And after her talking with Jack, after seeing his perspective on it, and from his words knows that sometimes the Doctor just disappears from people’s lives.

And I love the pushback:

Skewered.

But true because she is trying to stay still and be with the fam and not leave them. But the unfortunate truth is, the Doctor does run away, and the Doctor does leave people behind and a lot of the times, the Doctor doesn’t come back because they’re an emotional coward.

The thing about Thirteen is she’s probably the longest of the Doctors to not disappoint her companions. She’s always managed to stop bad guys and always been there for them.  It’s an impressive track record for the Doctor. She’s built herself up in their eyes as someone they can rely on, and then she failed them by not getting back to them in time.

It’s not her fault, and none of them know how long it’s been for the Doctor, by the way she’s asked them I feel like they think she’s only been gone for a week.

Honestly, I’m impressed how the Doctor didn’t make it about her -- being in prison for longer than they thought. She’s looking at it from their point of view, because she already knows what big leaps in time would affect her friends.

TBH Revolution of the Daleks felt like shades of Last Christmas in that the Doctor regretted missing out time with her companion/s. In Last Christmas, the Doctor got his time back with Clara, in RotD, time passed.

Back to the Doctor and the Daleks tho.

This reminded of Twelve’s: “You are monsters. That is the role you seem determined to play. So it seems I must play mine. The Man that stops the Monsters.”

(Look, Chibnall’s Moffat references aren’t as sledgehammer, but he does reference a lot of Moffat’s things.).

Except with Thirteen, I’m actually more terrified. Jodie does this thing where her eyes goes black and she kind of disappears into herself, this is what happened here. This promise isn’t actually good IMO.

This is not a comforting face. This is a ‘I’m gonna kill a whole boatload of Daleks face and I’m not sorry, in fact I might enjoy doing that’ face.

(And, a brief aside to Robertson, I feel like the Specials have their own kind of special ‘movie’ continuity and more of his story will play out in the Specials, where hopefully he will get his comeuppance because, to me, I feel that’s where it’s going. This is more groundwork laying.

I don’t like it when the Doctor interferes with Human affairs, especially government -- because look what happened with Harriet Jones and how the Doctor broke the Golden Age. Also, I don’t want real world leaders to exist in the Whoverse because I want them to have a completely different track from us. So. Yeah, New Year’s Specials have their ongoing storyline. I’m actually not mad about it, and I enjoy Mr. Big’s performance. He’s a sleezeball. A sleezeball that knows more now. (He isn’t T rump but he isn’t better either). At least I find him enjoyable and not outright offensive. I’m okay seeing him again for the next Specials. I hope next time he does get his comeuppance.)

Now, the goodbyes:

 The HUG.

We’ve been waiting for the Doctor to be more physically affectionate with the fam, and it took the Doctor being locked down for decades (maybe?), and Ryan and Graham leaving for her to hug them. And we’re all right, Thirteen gives great hugs.

The feeling Thirteen’s been running away from is here, sadness. It’s good that Yaz decided to stay other wise... she’s just going to run headlong into forgetting her problems, Doctor Style.

And again, learning and re-learning things: ‘It’s okay to be sad.’

Oh, Thirteen.

(Before Twelve, I don’t think I was this sympathetic to the Doctor -- no wait, I was with Nine. Ten and Eleven tested my patience but it’s with Twelve and Thirteen where I’m 100% invested in the Doctor.

I also love that they’re kind of soft touching the Timeless Child thing, and as someone on twitter mentioned, this feels like an examination of an adoption story. The Doctor is going to search for their identity, their home).

I honestly wish Jack stayed in the TARDIS with Thirteen and Yaz. Jack’s a great balance, especially pushing back at the Doctor and her tactics. Her NUCLEAR tactics. I am glad that the Doctor’s still a dick to Jack, not much of an asshole as they were when the Doctor was Ten but still a dick.

Also, one thing I really love about Barrowman is that when he’s in Doctor Who, he knows it’s not his show and he doesn’t showboat, and the man can showboat. 

I’d rather Jack than random guy that I didn’t even know was gonna happen until very late.

Anyway, TLDR to all this: I enjoyed this very much! Still a lot to be parsed through in things that needs to be parsed through as I mentioned, but on the whole? I loved it.

[blorbosexterminator]

Thanks @spiny-norman for tagging me! I definitely think it's time for me to try and put an overview of my thoughts coherently in one place, instead of the cluster I've left my blog in lmfao.

For lack of better words, here's a review of s5

I'll start with the positives too! The things I truly enjoyed:

The action was really thrilling and well-done.

It was funny. That is a very important aspect to me lmfao. I was truly worried the season was going to be too edgy for its own good and sacrifice its trademark humor. Tamayo was easily a highlight of this season. I loved that man from the moment he showed up in season 3, and he only got better this season. Alicia was also one of my favorite things. She's just so hilarious, I'm rooting for her to betray everyone and fuck them up.

In la banda itself, Tokyo and Denver completely stole the show, with magnificent acting from both Jaime and Ursula and genuinely good writing for them this season (something I can't say for the other characters), and the way they stayed true to themselves and yet evolved in such an organic way will always stay with me.

Tokyo deserves a whole point on her own even though I haven't shut up about her for nearly a week now lmfao. I'm still amazed at the perfect way her arc was handled, I could have never imagined or wanted anything different for her. It was a hugely bold move to place this in the finale of the first volume because I have no idea how they'll top it with anything now. Ursula obviously stole the scene, but everyone's acting in that scene punched me in the gut repeatedly. Very few characters' deaths in all media really affected me generally speaking, but I just know Tokyo's is here to stay with me.

Now, for everything else. This is already long but it's about to get longer lmfao.

First, I genuinely disliked how the show handled its political aspect this season. It was never perfect at it tbh, with a lot of misplaced allegories, but it was fine. The reason it was fine is because, other than a few weird moments, the show stayed realistic. It was was character-driven, and most of the time, the characters didn't mold themselves to be activists. This seasons' progressive tone was very out of place. I know a lot of people took pleasure in Bogota's speech while he beat Gandia, but it took me out of the mood. It was out of character and very ill-fitting to Gandia. I disliked Martin's speech nearly as much. Again, it was very out of character and ill-fitting. The really fun and realistic thing about the previous seasons was that just because a character was a minority or in some unfortunate group for one reason or the other, it didn't change anything. It didn't make them better people. Martin was still an egotistical, narcissistic, power-hungry, misogynistic, macho piece of shit. The fact that he was gay changed nothing, it didn't make him kinder to fellow oppressed people, not once did he act or gave any indication that he thought of himself as a victim in that sense. They were very unnecessary scenes.

Speaking of the characters, outside of Tokyo and Denver, I didn't feel 'anyone'. All actors did more than an amazing job, Rodrigo and Alvaro were top notches. But it just, the story had suddenly changed from a character-driven story to a plot-driven one and the show didn't handle that change well. Raquel, Martin, Andres, and Sergio were just there. I'll come back to Andres later because he's a special case lmfao. But those three, with how huge their roles are supposedly now, literally were just there. Raquel was just going around shooting things and sometimes giving some order or the other. Martin is pretty much the same. And the only useful thing Sergio did was pull the kid out of Alicia.

Now, I get that Alex Pina said this volume will all be boom boom, and in the next volume we'll get more of the character-focused scenes, but I'm not disappointed because the scenes were few. No, I'm disappointed because they were out of character. Martin was very, very not Martin. He was just some guy lmfao. It's not that I just wanted him to be more of an asshole, which I did because he is an asshole (bless the Monica and Arturo scene tho) but also he was just very soulless. Very unrecognizable. The moment he showed up, took Raquel's order to stop the melting without even one objection or even asking her to explain lmfao, (even fucking Tokyo was like ????? and not Martin!!!), I knew that he's not himself this season. And I was right, this Martin didn't give a single shit about the gold, had no passion, no fire, no soul. It's not like he doesn't resemble 'Palermo' (whatever the fuck that means), he doesn't even resemble himself in the s3 and 4 flashbacks. This isn't healing or redemption. This is a complete personality change overnight. And it just made him a boring character ngl, he's just not entertaining or complex or intriguing anymore. He's literally just some guy with some cringy out-of-character moments that made me go ???? Not even asking about plan Roma and having no problem with not melting the gold, telling Bogota 'revenge is egotistical and bad uwu', his whole speech of being the shit of society or whatever were all highlights of how the show just threw his previous characterizations in the trash lmfo. I genuinely hope it was just because this volume needed to move without any obstacles from the characters and he'll go back more to who he is in volume 2, but I doubt it tbh.

The flashbacks. First, they were funny, and that is their only saving grace. Andres going 'LOBSTERS' in the middle of telling his kid that he ruined his life was top-notch. Other than that, they were terrible, terrible shitty writing. The show didn't connect them in any way to Andres' flashbacks in s3 and 4 and at the same time didn't connect them to bank heist (outside of the parallels of the water, diving, and gold in both heists). They were very disconnected from everything else, and even though I'm certain they'll have more meaning next volume, it doesn't erase the fact that they had none this volume and didn't establish any stones for connections. @spiny-norman Tatana isn't even my type lmfao so I got nothing from this.

Lastly, the relationship dynamics were so.....not there. We got about nothing other than the Tokyo stuff. No hermanos, no Martin and Sergio, no Sergio and Raquel, no flashbacks from the panning in the monastery, no Tokyo and Martin being a pain in each other's asses, no Martin/Andres and the plan, no Martin and Raquel beyond co-leading. If we had time for that stupid, stupid love triangle, then we could have had some meaningful interactions between the actual important relationships in the show. Monver defending each other and their relationship to other people was very <3 though.

The plan has no meaning. Sure, I enjoyed the action. But this bank plan itself was devoid of the soul it had since it first appeared. The bank plan was something like an individual character in previous seasons lmfao. It was the one true love story of Andres and Martin. I think the show could have balanced some of that with the action and thrill.

Again, I know it's all about the action. But the show had a true shining chance to have some iconic scenes between Raquel and the police now that Sergio was unable to participate, and we had absolutely nothing. No negotiation, no clever back and forth between her and the people she worked with for decades, just nothing. I loved seeing her in action, but the boom boom omg badass queen woman warrior with a gun thing gets boring. This fits Tokyo. Raquel's truest moments of really being a boss were supposed to be between her and the police. Just again, all characters were just doing the same thing. They were no longer brilliant, varied individuals each shinning through their own strengths that were already established. I only hope we'll get more of that in volume two.

I think this captures most of my thoughts about the volume. Sorry for long it is lmfao.

[shoshie]

poosie!!!!! hello smth im obsessed with lately is love :-)!!!!! like it rlly just started with watching the xfiles movie bc that was literally so. wait no i would say my reinterest in love rlly started when i read smth sunny wrote !!!!! the content of it was beautiful & it very much moved me like i think . it was when i read it i felt like i woke up again with another chance at life yk . and Then i watched the xfiles and the love!!! btwn two white fbi agents man......unreal wow the entire speech he gave and the emotion and just the selflessness of it yk!!!!! their love was beautiful and half a decade in making and i’ve been watching since november Waiting for it to happen and it Did and it was unreal and!!! it made every part of my body light on fire yk bc it was just!!!!! that satisfying to watch!!!!!!!! seeing two ppl put the other in front of themself and doing everything for their happiness consistently and it just!!!! makes me feel happy esp if i start thinking abt finding someone like that in my life yk and then i watched a youtube group and two ppl within that group are dating and it’s an unlikely pair and one of them’s an immature dickhead who Seems disgusted at emotion but he’s Not!!! he opens calls his girlfriend “honey” even though he’s like 20 in front of his friends and just . he does it where it just slips out of his mouth yk??? like it’s a common occurrence and it obvious that she’s his honey, like that’s just a fact of life bc they love each other so much !!!!!!! and the thought of that makes me cry bc could! you! imagine that!!!!! a love so domestic and everyday it makes ppl tear up!!!!!!!!!! and Then i found out the two ppl in glass animals were dating and i just????? lost my mind at their love??????? like i’m not going to go into master posts abt their life or videos overanalyzing their lives (been there, done that! :))) but just ! thinking abt it ! the idea of it ! they were like childhood friends or smth and now not only are they here doing smth they love & that they are extremely passionate abt, but they’re !!!! doing it together !!!!!!!!! they’re sharing intimate writings and beats with one another and they’re loving it and they’ve able to do that for years and it’s just . Their Everyday.!!!!! again i think abt this with my own future and !!!!!!!! finding someone to last a lifetime!!!! who’s there every step of the way and sharing our work that we poured our hearts into and getting loved??? fuck.! it all makes me so so emotional !!!!!! and there’s probably so much more i can say but there i said it! i’m obsessed with love and it makes me cry but all warm and light and happy and hopeful. i wish i could feel like this all the time and i feel like if everyone were like this we’d all be so much kinder and so much more loving and appreciative of each other and their existence !!!!! anyway . i’m so sorry this is so long feel free to delete or respond with a “nice!” or whatever!!!!!!! i just wanted to say i hope you Know you’re loved and i hope you’re loving life in any way, big or small. i just want you to at peace with whatever and for whatever you were stressing abt gone or made easier, whatever! helps in you being comfortable but yes i’m obsessed with love, i love you and i hope u have a wonderful, wonderful day 🕊🌷

um hello u are going to make me CRY this is the sweetest cutest thing ever 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 pls.. tbh this is so fitting bc recently i’ve been thinking a LOT abt how much i want that.. like a relationship so tender so caring with someone i’m so close to like i want it so bad. i see ppl who are so in love or even if they’re just rly rly close friends & love really is in the little things.. like u mentioned pet names nd sharing lyrics together nd stuff and it’s just. it’s like little hand touches or being so comfy around someone that u can just hold hands or link arms or cuddle w/o even thinking abt it..... or showing someone something u made & not being afraid that they’ll judge you for it, having little inside jokes & secrets that only the two of you understand it makes me so!!! i love you as well & i truly hope that u are someday able to find your person bc u deserve that kind of love more than anything

[cryptidsandcatacombs]

Gush about Arthur pls?

Oh hey my longest husband going on nine years this year and ten next year (i’ll have to plan something for that tbh).

Arthur has always been someone whose there for me. Always support me in everything I do and always seeking my happiness. I wish I could do half the things for him he’s done for me. To be honest, if i had to describe our marriage in one word it’s comfortable. We’ve reached this sense of comfort with each other to be honest. 

To be honest, he’s not one to always be open, but I’m always here to listen should he need it. He’s a stubborn old man and getting him to admit emotions is like pulling teeth, but to be honest he’s been a lot more open with me than most people. I’ve noticed this about him. He’s always done his best though. It’s just harder for him than most. He’s kind of like that sort of guy who would describe as a diamond in the rough. You don’t always see it, but it often takes a special something to see how beautiful he can truly be. He’s far kinder than he lets on and he’s a gentleman to a T. He’s a man with fire in his soul pretending he’s made of water. I wonder if he knows he can still be a fiery man and a gentleman.

To be honest, I’m thoroughly convinced he’d give me the shirt off his back (please don’t you need that Arthur). I always want to love him the way he deserves and Arthur is just someone who I’ve been with for so long it’s hard to pick the best moments we have together. Hell, we even have something I like to label as our song to be honest. It’s been an amazing nine years we’ve been together and I’m looking forward to next year being a decade of us being married. I love him so much and I just want him to know that. He’s been nothing but good to me and he deserves nothing but respect and love for that.I just hope I’m even half as good to him or make him even half as happy. He’s just such an amazing husband and person and I hope he realizes that~

[feelinsdumpster]

things i want to do in the coming decade

1 January 2020

1. now that the most hellish part of my student career is over and i’m given more time for myself, i want to read at least 3 books a month (with at least 1 classic every two) in 2020, and try read one more book every month in the coming years

2. write better reviews for the books i’ve read, and maybe post reading logs here

3. i want to reread some of my absolute favourite titles and finally put up my honest reviews for them. maybe i’ll post a shitpost here about how much i love em

4. i want to get over my fear of writing (and get over the trauma that resulted this) so that i can not only stop procrastinating for homework, but also start writing the shit i’ve always wanted to write

5. start carrying a tiny book around for when i have a random spontaneous idea, so that i can write them down. i tend to always have spontaneous ideas but i never remember them by the time i’m about to write them down so hopefully this will help

6. read or write as i commute instead of wallowing in sadness as i listen to music

7. post an essay here once every 2 weeks (or at least once a month) about issues i care about, and hopefully improve my writing along the way

8. wake up earlier and keep doing so consistently, like 7am or something, and not get fatigued over doing so

9. go on morning walks, heck, or even walk up the hill to campus if i have to, because your loser girl over here has been recommended to lose weight by 4 doctors over the last few years and it’s about time i tried

10. try lessen my shopping and stop being a victim of consumerism. 2019 (or at least the latter half) was probably the one year in which i spent a shitload of money on things that i did not necessarily need. it’s become a habit i cannot control where i buy things on impulse thinking ‘i need it’ or ‘it’ll be gone if i don’t get it’ when i know that is not true and i don’t need it and that the only reason i’m compelled to buy them is because i live in a very consumerism-centric society that also conveniently does not have sales tax, and live in a very image-based era where how you look online is big deal and you always ‘have’ to keep up with the trends when that’s bullshit and anyone that decides to unfriend you over such deserves to be out of your life because holy fuck is that toxic. 

11. try not only make more new friends, but also start talking again to some of my old friends/acquaintance. it could be because the old environment was gone, it could be because we’ve all matured a bit and grown up, but whereas i though it would be cringe as fuck to accidentally come across people i used to know, i was surprised to find it pretty pleasant and not as nasty as i’ve expected (this is probably because i have deep-set issues regarding how people perceive me but ye) and i think it would be nice to talk again and shit on our past lol. that, and making new friends, i need to stop giving people a singular vibe check and pussying out when i don’t like it. i want to try get to know new people more without bias and maybe gain friends instead of simply acquaintances

12. get over my stage fright and be more confident (this sorta bleeds into the next point)

13. learn to stop caring about what other people think. when you live in a society that greatly values the idea of ‘face’, this point can be really hard to do. but really, no one but yourself has any stake in what you’re doing right now or for the future, so you better do you sis

14. figure out what i want out of life and my university experience. tbh i spent a good portion of my life being pushed around by people, in hopes that i’d end up here or i’d end up there, i really never thought about what i really wanted. in 2019 i really focused on how i felt throughout with my growth and i started caring for myself more (which i honestly should have done long before because i am so emotionally unstable i don’t know how i’ve lasted this long actually). sadly enough, as i started caring more for myself, what everyone had hoped out of me were absolutely shattered. i didn’t score too well in my public exams because i didn’t want to push myself too hard; i ended up not getting into the much favoured first choice for a uni degree; and i ended up discovering that i want simplicity out of life: i don’t want to be a hero, i don’t want to be a leader, i just want to live happily and help people in tiny non-extravagant ways. this was much to everyone’s dismay lol. i also rekindled my fondness for literature and am pursuing a second major in english to the great disapproval of everyone else (i was a pretty good student at school and i did focus on science and math so this came as a shock to everyone, doesn’t help that i’m asian). but i really like what i’m doing right now. it’s more broad and i can sort of figure out what i want to do. but with that i also had this massive crisis where i didn’t know what the hell i was doing and i also didn’t want to be wasting my degree taking shit willy nilly and develop no interest or skills. so i really want to figure that out u kno

15. graduate at a healthier state mentally and physically (very easy to manipulate because, arguably speaking, i can either a) never have graduated, or b) never stop learning, and both seem wonderful to me lol)

16. stop avoiding my problems and using them as a comedic crux; actually solve them and my longheld issues; maybe actually try going to therapy or counselling

17. learn to let go of the people who have wronged me and learn to accept that i’ve made mistakes that may have greatly altered my life but should nevertheless be accepted as something that has happened and cannot be changed

18. learn to stop falling for toxic or unavailable people. self-explanatory. touche

19. learn to be kinder to myself. i don’t know how 2019 was for you, but it’s probably been one of the years where i’ve been the unhappiest i could ever be. whereas in the first half i was stressed beyond my wits and over-obsessed with some random public exam that really has no right in defining my future and self-worth, though it did (which is so shitty and stupid to begin with). in the second half, now that that fiasco was out of my head, i’ve sort of come face to face with how self-destructive my habits and attitude towards a lot of things are. you could probably tell from the shit i wrote before this point but positive self-image is not my forte, and i have essentially no idea what i’m doing or want out of life. arguably speaking, i’ve had a lot of people tell me or hint that i’m inadequate in many ways (be it because of how the education system is here, or my own complicated background), so i rarely ever hear compliments about myself or my work (or maybe i just suck in general idk). university has happened for a few months now and it’s been a bit jarring having adults tell me that i’m doing ok, or that they understand my background, or that i shouldn’t be doubting myself so much because i’m like ‘what the fuck that’s all i’ve been told to do?’. i guess it’s understandable why it’s important to know where you lack so as you can improve or like assimilate in society better (which i highly disagree with but i digress), but like holy fuckin hell did anyone ever think about how damaging that would be to a child’s self-esteem? maybe you won’t relate because you’re emotionally strong, or had a good upbringing, or didn’t lack all that much or you were a very normal kid, but if you wanted to know what it was like for someone who didn’t really have, or was, any of that: it sucked major ass, and it’s greatly affected how i ended up as an adult. i’m constantly anxious over nothing, and i have random fits of just gut-wrenching sadness, and god is it getting in the way of my daily life. now that i am doing ‘fine’ at school, i’m sole source of all negative criticism to compensate for the jarring lack thereof, and i’m terribly confused as to what people want out of me, as if that should even matter heck. never in my life did i ever let myself think that everything was going to be fine. never in my life did i ever let myself think i was adequate for whatever it was i was doing or wherever the hell i ended up. i realise i’ve spent nearly two decades of my life never cutting myself some slack even though the fact that i’ve made it this far and well and healthy, is to a large extent, completely on me and that i should be happy with myself. it’s about time i tried rebuilding my self-image and it’s about time i stopped giving myself ass when i don’t deserve it. and it sort of pisses me off that it takes a completely different environment for this to finally be clear to me and it’s baffling that i was once in such a toxic environment outside and within myself. i still am working to be kinder to myself; and the environment outside is still greatly toxic, but it is how it is and oh boy is that depressing. part of me still wished somebody taught me to be nicer to myself; part of me still wished the world would have been nicer to me; so here i am today, trying to fill the gap that was left by lack thereofs of the two

learning to be kinder to yourself is never really an easy task, especially if you’re already balls deep in being a dick to everything that you are. i’m sure it’ll take more than a decade, but i hope that the earlier i start, the better it’ll be for myself :)

20. be at a point where i’m genuinely happier with myself. i highly doubt any of you made it this far but if you have, i wish for you too: that in the coming decade, you’ll be at a point where you’re genuinely happier with yourself

extra:

21. FINALLY SUCC SOME DICK ITS ABOUT TIME IM NO LONGER SINGLE WHAT THE FU-