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anthropwashere · 5 years

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i’m still, still dreaming magnificent things (part 3)

part 1 | part 2

(AO3/FFN links to come)

Winry's call the evening before Ed's release is a far more cheerful one. "We're going to Rush Valley!"

Alphonse pulls away from Granny and the phone in her hand, wincing even though he can't feel pain. That was shrill.

Granny though, she just beams. "Ha! It's about time you made your way down there. But don't tell me Ed of all people picked up an interest in automail."

"Of course not. That'd mean he finally figured out what good taste is. He's going farther south than that, but I convinced him to pay for my ticket there and back. I'm so excited, Granny! I'm going to see the holy land of automail with my own eyes!"

"Oh yeah," Alphonse mutters. He'd forgotten the name of the city, but he's spent too many years around the Rockbells not to know about this far-off biomechanical boomtown. He leans back in once it seems Winry's finished gleeing at a pitch fit to shatter glass.

"I'm going to try to get Ed to spent some time there with me before he heads down to—oh, what was it again? Dublith?"

Alphonse immediately recoils again. "Oh no."

"What's in Dublith?" Granny asks.

"I guess that's where his old alchemy teacher lives?"

"Don't call her old!" Alphonse hisses.

"Oh, that's right, I remember now. Missus Curtis."

"Who?"

"You remember the year the boys left for their training, don't you?" Granny hesitates, mouth thinning, making a visible decision to avoid any mention of that being the same year Winry's parents were killed. "She passed through here during the spring thaw with her husband. She shored up the river with that same funny alchemy Ed can do."

"Oh yeah. I'd forgotten about her."

How on Earth could anybody forget Teacher? Alphonse shakes his head in disbelief. God. On the one hand, he's hoped Ed would eventually brave the trip to Dublith. But on the other? He does not envy him.

Winry and Granny turn the conversation back to Rush Valley, to models Winry wants to see in person and old shops Granny suggests she visit, and so on. Alphonse leaves them to it, more interested in puzzling out why Ed's chosen to seek Teacher out. What could have spurned this make-or-break decision? Some revelation in his research? His near-losses to Scar and those armor-bound souls in the last couple months? Ed's always been a bit of a sore loser. It's likely to be training that he's after—and hopefully that's all he's after. Hopefully he doesn't intend to mention anything regarding soul alchemy or human transmutation. Teacher would throw him out of a window for that kind of talk and she wouldn't bother to open it first.

He's worried for Ed. He's worried what Teacher will say, what she'll do. For years she was the stick by which they measured alchemy and all other practitioners, the one and only other alchemist they've ever known. Alphonse hasn't seen her in years, knows that it's impossible for her to browbeat him over what they tried and failed to do, and still he shivers under the imagined weight of her glower.

Brr.

Hopefully Teacher will at least give Ed time to say his piece before she breaks him in half.

He goes back to Rockbell Automail every evening after Ed's released, just in case. Winry's proven to be reliable about calling, something he's long since given up on Ed ever bothering with, so he's hoping for news sooner than later. But it's not just news he's after that drives him to spend frustratingly quiet hours watching Granny. It's just....

Well. It doesn't feel right to leave Granny all on her own.

Rockbell Automail is so much bigger without Winry clattering about it too. Her workroom is dim and still, her bed neatly made. There's no game of cards after dinner, no dry commentary shared about the morning news, no shopping lists made, no experimental dinners barely salvaged. It's just Granny and her meals for one, Granny sorting through a shipment of new parts in the basement, Granny watching the sun rise and set with pipe smoke curling around her head, Granny on unhurried walks with Den into town. Without customers or her granddaughter to fill the house with chatter, Granny... shrinks. She shows her age. She uncovers her griefs in empty rooms, sandpapered to smooth edges yet still bearing the odd splinter to startle.

Alphonse remembers when Auntie Sara and Uncle Yurie still lived here. He remembers Auntie Sara hugging him close as he cried not long after Mom died, Uncle Yurie teaching him how to tie his shoelaces. They were never formally adopted by the Rockbells, no, but it was never a question of who in town would look after them when it became clear Dad wasn't coming back.

He looks over Granny's shoulder at the old pictures, smiling to himself as Den's tail thumps against a table leg. The first baby pictures of Uncle Yurie, a swaddled pink lump with a tuft of blond hair in a much younger Pinako's arms, pride apparent in her exhausted grin. Others, with and without her late husband, Grandpa Rockbell who passed away before Ed was born. Yurie growing up and up, a toddler then a boy then a teenager then a young man. Then Auntie Sara joins the photographs, her blonde curls cut in a flyaway bob, growing out as she grows up. She's not from Resembool, the same as Mom. Alphonse has dim memories—memories that are more likely to have been etched out of stories he's heard and reheard from Granny and Auntie Sara—of the two women being close friends. There'd only been a year's difference in their ages. Auntie Sara had been only three years older than when Mom died when she was killed in Ishval.

"I miss them too," he tells Granny.

But Granny's smiling to herself rather than dabbing at her eyes. True, it isn't a happy smile. She misses them all terribly; her husband, her son, her daughter-in-law, Mom. She lingers over pictures of Dad too, her old drinking buddy. It's strange, Alphonse thinks. If the dates written on those sepia-toned photographs are right Granny's known Dad almost fifty years. Strange, because Dad looks the same in the oldest picture Granny has of him as he does in the family picture taken only a year before he left. He should be in his nineties, but he doesn't look any older than forty in every single picture Granny has.

Strange. It's a peculiarity Alphonse picks at from time to time, but it's a moot point. Dad is gone, dead or run off, and either way Alphonse will never see him again. Why should he waste any time wondering after the man who left his family behind when Granny's right here, slow to shake herself out of bittersweet memories?

It's not right for her to sit here all alone like this, waiting for someone living to make the trip out of town. When he catches her looking too melancholy he riles Den up or sets his cold hands against her shoulders until she shakes herself off and puts away the photo album. He's glad he's still real enough to help her like this; chasing away cobwebs and making her laugh when Den yelps at nothing.

Winry will call again soon, either during her trip to Rush Valley or when she's on her way home again, but there's no telling when that call might come. It's likely she'll succeed in bullying Ed into staying in Rush Valley a day or two. Once Ed gets too irritated, he'll take a train bound for an early grave in Dublith and Winry will come back home with at least two bags overflowing with trinkets she'd coaxed Ed into buying for her. Sure, they might fight like cats and dogs more often than not, but she's got him wrapped around her little finger.

(Alphonse saw right through that guilt trip she'd pulled with the earrings Ed had brought back as "gifts" the first few times he showed up with his leg in shambles, not that Ed didn't deserve it. Winry's ears weren't even pierced back then. Dumbass.)

All in all, the radio silence is a return to routine. He checks in with Granny once or twice a day. The rest of the time he wanders where he wills, picking people at random to follow for the day, spending the night talking with other ghosts. Anything, to chase away the hours.

Granny's next appointment is with Mrs. Perrault, a woman some years younger than her who'd been injured in a carriage accident as a girl. Her left arm is below-the-elbow automail, a slim-fingered design done by some other mechanic in the West. She had to move across the country for work about the same time as when the Eastern Conflict really picked up, and word of mouth brought her to Rockbell Automail about a year before Alphonse died. She and Granny have been close friends ever since.

"—can't let her out of my sight five minutes before she's up to her neck in trouble," Granny complains as he passes through the front door. She's trying not to grin though, so whatever phone call he missed had shared more good news than bad.

"Damn," he mutters as he sits down on the floor near Den. "What'd I miss, boy?"

Den's tail flops a little as he grins lazily, not bothering to lift his head up. Good dog.

"Oh, don't go blaming her for all that," Mrs. Perrault says, swatting Granny's hand playfully. "You raised her right. She's such a sweet thing. It's that boy who dragged her into the whole mess."

"Hey," Alphonse says, but it's a token protest. Whatever happened, it probably was Ed's fault. He's pretty sure Ed just has one of those faces people like to punch.

"Will I didn't say it wasn't his fault, now did I?" Granny sighs. "He's a feral little brat, no question. There's a good heart buried in there somewhere, mind, but he was born itching to raise hell and that's only gotten worse since his brother passed—"

"Hey," Alphonse says with more feeling. "Don't pin this on me."

Granny slips the external plating back into place on Mrs. Perrault's forearm. "It's not that I don't want her to apprentice. She's got a real gift for biomedical engineering—"

"And so young!" Mrs. Perrault interjects warmly.

Granny doesn't return her smile, tapping her screwdriver against the other woman's metal wrist. "That's the trouble. She's too young to go off on her own. I didn't apprentice until I was nineteen. I know things are different these days, and Mister Garfiel certainly sounds like a fine young man, but I'm still worried for here. Rush Valley is a rough city."

Alphonse blinks. "Wait, Winry's apprenticing? Since when?"

"You raised her right," Mrs. Perrault repeats, resting her other hand on Granny's briefly to stop her tapping. "She'll handle herself fine, and she's smart besides. She knows to be careful."

"She's fifteen, Sally. There's no such thing as being smart or careful enough at that age."

"Ha, isn't that just so? Still, here I thought you'd be proud of her. Delivering a baby and earning an apprenticeship all on her own like that!"

"She delivered a what?" Damn, it's only been a few days! Apparently he can't ever leave this house again if he wants to keep up with any and all insanity.

"Well," Granny says, looking sly, "I think her surname might have given her a leg up getting that apprenticeship."

"Oh?"

"She was recommended to Mister Garfiel by the babe's grandfather, none other than Dominic LeCoulte himself."

Mrs. Perrault lights up like the mid-winter lights festival has come early. "You don't mean—the same Dominic you know back when you were...?"

"The very same!"

They throw their heads back, all but cackling. Alphonse huffs. "You two could actually share some of these stories you're always laughing over one of these days, you know."

Of course, they pay his suggestion no heed. Soon their conversation turns to other, less interesting things. He leaves them to it, going down the hall to Winry's workroom.

The door's cracked enough to let a narrow streak of sunlight in, filling the room with soft shadows and gleaming spots of light off the unfinished pieces she'd left without their oil cloths in her hurry to make the train. He stands in the narrow square of clear floor space behind the pushed-in chair, eyes falling to the coffee tins and mason jars lining the shelves. One jar of bolts catches the light a little differently than its neighbors; the rough edges of hasty alchemy etch strange angles across the glass. Ed had broken it by accident years ago while Winry had been in town. Winry, of course, had noticed it right off, but she's let Ed go on thinking he'd gotten away with it.

Alphonse considers the empty chair, the silence, the stillness, the motes of dust spinning in the space his shadow should stretch. Minutes pass, in the soft, difficult-to-notice way they do when there's no one else around. He finds himself unexpectedly... sad? Is that the right word for it? Sad is a heavy word, better appended to cataclysmic emotions like grief and loneliness. He doesn't know what word would better describe this feeling, this almost disappointed surprise, like someone pulled the rug out from under him for a laugh at his expense. He can't settle on a word, but he's still left feeling something over the fact that Winry isn't coming back after all. He's whiled away a lot of hours here in this little room, watching her work. He'd sit out of the way, perched up where he could see her hands work magic, shaping so much scrap into carefully shaped puzzle pieces he couldn't begin to parse, and with absolute ease she'd put all those pieces together into new limbs for people who'd had their own taken from them.

People always compare alchemy to magic and miracles, but those people have never seen an automail engineer in total, unapologetic love with their craft. Winry gets this look on her face as she works, this all-encompassing serenity despite the shriek of heavy machinery. It's like she'd rather be here in this little room than anywhere else in the world.

But that's not true, because she isn't coming back. She's moving forward, growing up. Oh, she'll visit. He knows her too well to expect anything else. She cares for Granny too much to leave her up on this hill alone for too long. She'll visit, perhaps not as frequently as Ed but for longer stretches when she does. But then she'll leave again, just like Ed. She'll go back to the life she's carving out for herself in far-off Rush Valley, the rough-and-tumble city of her dreams. She'll commit herself wholly to the craft she's lived and breathed for as long as Ed has lived and breathed alchemy. She'll be happy there.

Rush Valley, as he's pieced together from Granny's stories, is some wondrous city in the South, a desert valley hemmed in by spires of weathered red stone and deep canyons, hot and bright and chaotic, teeming over with people from all walks of life and a dozen different models of automail in every shop. When Granny apprenticed there she stayed for years, and afterward went traveling around the country for even longer. She only came back to Resembool for good when her dad fell ill, husband in tow and Uncle Yurie born shortly thereafter..

Resembool is a place to settle, a place to build a home, a place to forge a shared happiness that will last a lifetime. It's a place to raise families, to grow old, to laugh on the porch on sticky summer evenings as fireflies wink erratic patterns in the waving grass. It's a place for children, not for young people trying to grow up and figure out what kind of person they want to be.

He doesn't mind that Winry's moving forward. He's happy for her, really. He just thought... he thought there'd be a little more time before she left too. That's all.

So.

Winry's apprenticing in Rush Valley, which—according to the train station's detailed map—is only one stop north of Dublith. From a purely practical standpoint, it'll be good to have Winry that much closer to Ed. You know. In case of... mechanical failure.

Oh, who is he kidding? Teacher's going to break every bone in Ed's body for what they did, and it's not like she'll leave his left leg alone just because it's made of steel. Ed won't have the foresight—nor the hindsight, for that matter—to appreciate it, but at least he won't have to haul his broken carcass halfway across the country so Winry can finish him off for destroying her beautiful work.

(Again.)

That's how he rationalizes it when he's feeling optimistic, anyhow. He wouldn't be at all surprised to see FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST FOUND DEAD, BRUTALIZED emblazoned on the front page of the Times one day.

...He really, really doesn't envy Ed facing Teacher all on his own. Brr.

CENTRAL INVESTIGATIONS OFFICER FOUND DEAD, MURDERED, screams the front page of the Times.

In smaller print—with far too many exclamation points to be tasteful—the article goes on to detail that Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes was found dead in a phone booth in Central Park, the apparent cause of death a single gunshot wound to the heart. He had no known enemies and there are currently no suspects. For his ultimate sacrifice in service to Amestris he has been posthumously promoted two ranks to that of Brigadier General. It goes on to list the commendations he earned in Ishval, bland details of the years he served in distinction, and the fact that he is survived by a wife, Gracia, and one daughter, Elicia. They have asked for privacy in their time of grief.

Alphonse steps back from reading over Granny's shoulder, dismayed. "Hughes? Wasn't that the family Winry stayed with in Central? Brother's friend?"

Granny has one hand pressed to her mouth, the paper shaking in the other. After a moment she sets it down, folds it so she needn't see the top article. She finishes her morning coffee in silence.

Days pass, then weeks. A whole month of days passes by without so much as a whisper of Ed. Winry calls every few days, always bubbling over with excitement and technical jargon and absurd stories. She doesn't mention Ed apart from saying she hasn't heard from him either. "Like that's anything new." Which is true, and sort of comforting for it? If he hasn't been found chopped up into neat little pieces yet then maybe Teacher took pity on him. Enough that she hasn't chased Ed out of town yet, at least, and really, that's more than Alphonse dared to hope for.

He can't help but worry anyway, as he always does in the uneasy interim. The time they spent in Dublith as kids was—amazing, honestly amazing. They learned more in six months than they did in all the preceding years of teaching themselves out of Dad's old books. Teacher had been—terrifying, yes, absolutely, no question. But she'd been fascinating too. The most skilled and knowledgeable alchemist they'd ever met—still, in his case, and more than likely the same for Ed too—and she barely ever used alchemy. All her neighbors had stories of times past when she had, and it had always been for big, important events. Lives on the line events. Halting chaos and destruction in its tracks, just like how she'd saved Resembool with a single clap of her hands. Everything else, from wobbly chairs to leaky roofs to broken plates, she insisted be fixed by hand.

Fascinating too, if a bit overbearing at times, had been how smitten she and Sig were. Overbearing, yes, but it was honest—at least, as far as he could tell then as an eight year old boy who'd not yet really taken much notice of girls. Since then he's had ample opportunity to compare their marriage to that of other couples, in public and behind closed doors. Sig and Teacher remind him a little of Auntie Sara and Uncle Yurie. Wholehearted devotion, love their foundation rather than a coat of paint. True love like out of a story. Love each person worked hard to keep fast. Love that soared on the good days and dug its heels in and persisted on the bad. Love that was so, so worth the time and energy put into it. The kind of love—the kind of bond—that anyone would admire, and perhaps even envy.

He's wondered on more than one occasion if Mom and Dad had been at all like that. If they'd shown their love for each other in the small gestures as much as the grand ones. If Mom had brought Dad a fresh cup of coffee without being asked to when he lost track of time in his study. If Dad chased her out of the kitchen so he could make dinner while she took a well-deserved break. If they folded laundry together, washed and dried dishes together, picked weeds on blisteringly hot days together, stayed up late worrying about the latest trouble their precocious sons had gotten into. Did Mom know why Dad left? Had Dad really intended to come back like she said he would?

He wishes he knew. He can't remember. His memories of their parents are even shakier than Ed's, and it's not as if he can ask anyone for details.

Teacher was—and still is, more than likely—less the sickly housewife she insisted she was and more a force of nature. It hadn't mattered that she'd been gray and shaking and wiping blood from her mouth more days than not. It hadn't mattered because nothing in this world could possibly have the audacity to really hurt her. Teacher was—is—an undeniable, impossible, wonderful fact of a human being. She survives her illness by sheer stubbornness and the love she has for Sig. She demands that every moment of pain be worth it, in the end. Teacher was—and will always be—a font of inspiration for them both.

He wonders what she and Ed are doing in this interim. Surely Ed told her what had happened that night. What they tried to do, what it cost. Ed might try to avoid that conversation, but there's no question that they'll spar together. She'll notice his leg and she'll pry the whole ugly story out of him, with meat hooks and brandished cleavers if she has to. What will she have to say about Alphonse's death? What will she think of Ed's insane plan to commit the taboo again?

He hopes she can talk Ed out of it. If anyone can, it would be her.

Picture Ed in Dublith. Sleeping alone in the room they'd shared when they were kids. Sparring with Teacher every day, even on the days she shouldn't have gotten out of bed. Spending hours in the kitchen talking together, bruised and sore and laughing, nursing cups of that spicy coffee Sig likes so much. Picture the sunlight breaking into a million million squares of white brilliance off of Kauroy Lake, the summer sun baking heat into the narrow cobblestone streets late into the evening. Picture the tangled labyrinth of abandoned ruins they'd played in, Ed's expression bittersweet over the memories rather than thunderous and brittle. Picture Ed smiling and meaning it.

Maybe the next time Ed comes back to Resembool he'll have accepted the empty space next to Mom's grave for what it ought to be. Maybe Ed won't ever be able to stomach buying a headstone for an empty grave, but maybe he'll start leaving two wreaths at Mom's. Maybe Ed will throw his pocket watch in Colonel Mustang's face and wash his hands of the military. Maybe Ed will find some other hook to hang his dreams on.

He hopes. He has to hope Ed can move past his madness. It's all he can do.

Of course, the quiet can't last forever. Six weeks and two days after Ed left Rush Valley the front page news screams about no one less than the Fuhrer himself leading a sting operation in Dublith, and of course the Fullmetal Alchemist was right in the thick of things.

"For Heaven's sake," Granny sighs.

Apparently a bar called The Devil's Nest was a hideout for yet another paramilitary group with a storied history of aggressive acts against the military and civilians both. The members of this group were taken down with extreme yet necessary force, as they had made it clear they'd had no intention of surrendering quietly. There’s a brief statement from Fuhrer Bradley relaying his relief that this threat had been handled without any loss of life of the men operating under him, that he's glad to have been able to lead such a brilliant team before this nefarious group could go through with their more violent threats, and what a pleasure it had been to see young Fullmetal in action. It all sounds very....

Well.

Alphonse isn't sure what to make of it, to be honest.

It just seems a little... odd that the Fuhrer would risk life and limb like this. Aren't sting operations better suited to younger soldiers? Then again, this paramilitary group can't have been that much of a threat, at least compared to the one Ed took down solo earlier this year. Alphonse hasn't even heard of this Devil's Nest gang before, and the news is a constant stream of reports about violent groups demanding radical, dangerous changes.

(The fact that Ed has regular dealings with terrorists leaves Alphonse weak-kneed and hating that he can't be there fighting alongside him, but that is an old wound he's sick of salting.)

This group in Dublith sounds like a criminal bunch, at least from what's briefly reported on them, but nothing that warranted the attention of a State Alchemist—let alone whatever force Fuhrer Bradley mustered. On the other hand, it was Bradley who put an end to that former State Alchemist's plot in Central a few months previous. Who's to say this group down South didn't have similarly lofty goals? The news can only report so much after all; there's no telling what intel the military had on them they'd chosen not to release to the public. Who is Alphonse to say that Bradley wasn't doing his duty by cutting these people down before they could make a direct threat against the brass?

Still.

Still, something about this doesn't sit right with him, and Alphonse is relieved to find that he's not the only one thinking the same. A lot of people right here in Resembool seem to feel the same way. They wonder after this group; their motives, their convictions, the families they left behind. They wonder after this group none of them have ever heard of before now, never mind the news repeatedly stresses that they were a well-known group of armed extremists. They wonder why the Fuhrer keeps ending up knee-deep in bloody affairs like this when he would be better off serving the country from behind a desk, wielding a pen rather than a saber. These are dark and uncertain times, and Amestris' citizens look to him for guidance. There have been nothing but wars and insurrections and unrest for—God, who even knows anymore? Just look at Liore, the latest in a long line of regional upsets.

Strange too, how Liore's gone to pieces. All these terrible riots the news reports, so many deaths, no resolution in sight. Everyone in Resembool had been so proud of Ed for dismantling that shady religious order, but now no one knows what to think of that either. The reports claim that the "true" leader of the order had been away, and that Ed and the citizens had been duped by a cruel imposter. Liore is divided now; half its people willing to trust this returned leader, half wanting nothing at all to do with Letoism. Alphonse wonders if Ed knows what's happening in Liore. He must, right? He's a State Alchemist. He must be privy to far more information than what gets divvied out in easily digestible snippets to the public. Right?

Propaganda is less an uncertain worry here in Amestris than it is a simple, unavoidable part of life. Many adults in Resembool can recall a time before the current regime, when the news made a little more sense, when people weren't quite so wary of what their neighbors might overhear. Nowadays everybody is a little more cautious, a touch more restrained, just in case. But Alphonse is privy to all sorts of things people say and do away from prying eyes and wagging tongues. In a rural town like this it doesn't ever amount to much in the greater scheme of things, but that's a concept Alphonse doesn't find himself needing to be concerned with much anyhow. If it doesn't involve Ed, what does the greater scheme matter?

He wonders though, sometimes, what it would have been like if he'd died in a bigger town. A proper city, even. Sometimes he wishes he could have known beforehand what the cost of their transmutation would be. He would have picked somewhere else to die, even though it would have meant never seeing Winry or Granny again. Dublith would have been nice. If he could have known, too, that Ed would end up in East City he would have picked there in a metaphorical heartbeat. What he'd give to be closer to his brother....

Oh, but that's a pointless wish. He died in Resembool and he'll remain here until the last stubborn wisp of his ghost fades away. There's nothing to be done for it.

Still, the townsfolk can gossip and wonder and whisper behind their hands all they please. None of what they think or what they're told is what really happened, that much Alphonse is sure of. The Fuhrer and a whole team needed to step in to take down a ragtag bunch of thugs in the same town Teacher and Ed were in? Ed's an old pro at this kind of insanity now and Teacher is twice as terrifying as Ed on her worst days. No matter the situation, if things came to a head they would have handled it themselves with aplomb. So why did Bradley feel the need to step in and kill The Devil's Nest down to the last man?

It doesn't sit right with Alphonse. It just doesn't make any sense at all.

Winry calls again and this time Alphonse manages to listen in. It's mostly exasperated ranting about Ed, because three guesses who showed up out of the blue yesterday? Ed tried to weasel his way into her good graces despite being beat half to hell with his leg wrecked, feeding her some bullshit story that managed to avoid answering even one of her questions. Then, somehow in the short span of time she'd left Garfiel Atelier to fetch a few parts, Ed managed to destroy three city blocks fighting a bunch of Xingese tourists! His leg went from wrecked to scrap metal in about twenty minutes. Bombs were involved somehow? Winry's friend Paninya has a short-barreled cannon in one of her automail legs, apparently?

(Alphonse decides he's happier not knowing the details for once.)

The Xingese tourists stuck around Atelier Garfiel after all was said and done. Mr. Garfiel is letting them stay in a spare room, as it seems they haven't got much money and are really quite nice. Ling Yao does most of the talking, as the other two—an old man, Fu, and a young woman, Lan Fan—are his retainers. They're in Amestris looking for—of all things—information on the Philosopher's Stone. That was the conversation that derailed into wide-scale property damage that Ed's still out hobbling around on a spare leg repairing. Winry's washed her hands of the whole thing, since Ed's staying mum as usual and Ling has a funny habit of pretending his Amestrian isn't half as good as it actually is.

"I'm pretty sure Ed's quit fighting them because he's too wore out after all the alchemy he's done," Winry says. "He barely ate dinner yesterday and he still looked pretty rough when he left this morning. You should see the state Fifth Avenue is in though, Granny! It's unrecognizable!"

"I can believe it," Granny replies dryly.

It's going to take Winry about a week to build a new leg from scratch—"And I'm charging him a rush order fee anyway. He's being such a jerk, Granny!"—then she and the three Xingese tourists will be following Ed up to Central. She wants to visit the Hughes family again, they want to track information down on the Stone, and Ed's being as vague as ever about his own plans.

Curiously, Granny doesn't say a word about Brigadier General Hughes.

Alphonse looks at her once she's hung up the phone. She looks like she does when she visits the cemetery; weary down to her marrow as she prunes weeds from the graves of her family and Mom. "Why didn't you tell her?"

Granny, of course, doesn't answer.

Alphonse misses Winry's last call before they leave Rush Valley and he could kick himself for that. She'd called every day after Atelier Garfiel closed for at least a few minutes, and under her voice he'd been able to hear Ed snarking in the background with someone with a cheerfully accented voice. Those phone calls are likely going to be the last time he hears Ed's voice for who-knows how long. Winry and Ed will spend a day or two together in Central, then Ed will likely head back to East City to report in to Colonel Mustang and Winry will go South again. It will be at least another month—hopefully, though at the rate he's going it's hard to say—before Ed needs maintenance. But Granny's not his mechanic. Winry is. He'll go to Rush Valley, not Resembool. Sure, Fullmetal might make the paper now and then, but it's not the same.

He has no idea when he might see Ed next.

At least he can be sure Winry will call while she's in Central. Too, she'll do her best to wheedle something out of Ed to pass along to Granny, some little snippet Alphonse can overhear so he has a better idea of where Ed might go next. There's going to be a rough patch while they're there, thanks to Granny's silence regarding Brigadier General Hughes. Winry will be sad, but it's not as if she'd had a chance to get to know the man well. Ed, on the other hand?

Well, that's more difficult to determine with what little data Alphonse has to go on. Winry had called the man Ed's friend, but what did that mean, really? Ed keeps people at arm's length, bottling up all the ugly, jagged hurts he's earned until he's left breathless, staring fixedly at nothing with wide, dry eyes. He doesn't let anyone in; it's too easy to be pitied that way, and Ed can't stand to be pitied. He and Hughes might have worked together on occasion, but they were stationed halfway across the country from each other. How close could they have been? How sad might Ed be that this man from Investigations has been murdered?

Alphonse shakes his head. Ed might be sad when he hears the news too, but it won't hurt him. Ed will swallow down whatever small grief he'll feel and move on, just like he always does.

He's in the Corcoran household when he unexpectedly comes across the Brigadier's name again in the paper. A suspect has been taken into custody, and there's an official picture of her accompanying the front page article. Second Lieutenant Maria Ross is a woman in her late twenties with boyishly short hair and a beauty mark under one eye. She isn't smiling in her picture. She looks severe. She looks like someone who wouldn't hesitate to pull the trigger if it came down to it.

"But she was one of Ed's bodyguards," he says. Back when Ed had been hospitalized in Central, Lieutenant Ross and Sergeant Brosch had looked after Ed for weeks. They'd saved his life. She worked for Hughes. Why would she kill her superior officer?

He looks at her picture again, trying to feel something more than abstract curiosity. Ed's friend, the same man who had insisted Winry stay free of charge with his family, is dead because of the same woman who had guarded Ed when he'd been gravely injured. She's going to face the firing squad for this. She's going to die, and in turn someone else Ed had known will die.

This is the closest Alphonse will ever get to knowing this woman, this officer who worked and lived and murdered a good man in far-off Central. A front page article that amounts to a few small paragraphs. He can't summon more than a flicker of disappointment, and even that feels forced. She's just one more name in the paper, one more murderer caught red-handed. The paper might make another mention or two of her after her execution, but this is all she amounts to for Alphonse: the impact her misdeeds and her death might have on Ed.

It isn't much. It's something novel to talk over with Mrs. Morgenstern when he visits her next, at least.

CULPRIT IN INVESTIGATIONS MURDER ESCAPES, the Times screams the very next day. KILLED IN STRUGGLE WITH FLAME ALCHEMIST.

"Oh," Alphonse remarks, reading over Mr. Cartwright's shoulder at the newsstand.

It turns out Colonel Mustang had been transferred to Central earlier this year, and he'd taken to the order to capture the escaped Lieutenant dead or alive rather... pragmatically. Alphonse can almost picture the reporter who typed up this article, giddy over the intrigue and excitement, counting all the cenz they'll earn for the headline alone. The article, while certainly exclamatory, doesn't provide much in the way of detail. Ross escaped with the aid of a large suit of armor but didn't get far before Colonel Mustang cut her down. The suit of armor managed to escape into the night; there's a rough sketch of its fearsome visage included in the article. It's a toothsome, grinning thing, one of its eye holes torn wide by a shotgun blast.

(Alphonse thinks of the fight that cost Ed two fingers. He thinks of the iron slag that used to be two suits of armor puddled in the ruins of their basement. He wonders, he suspects, but he doubts he'll ever know for sure either way.)

Colonel Mustang, the dark-eyed man who earned his infamy in the Eastern Conflict and later dragged Ed out of his wheelchair by force and olive branch both, burned Ross to death in some alleyway. He could have just arrested her, made her face neat justice for her crimes. He could have just shot her. Instead he chose to kill her the same he killed who-knows how many Ishvalans.

Alphonse considers the pink burn on his wrist, a minor cooking injury that had left him in tears when it happened. It had been a raw and stinging hurt for what had felt like forever. He thinks of the terrible display of burns Steffie and Owen Sauter wear on their low days, blackened skin crackling, a halo of fire overtaking their faces. He tries to imagine what it must have felt like to die that way; every inch of her skin bubbling, her lungs scorched breathless, her bones cracking in the heat. Lieutenant Ross probably died screaming.

This is the work of the same man who conscripted Ed at twelve years old—who held out that olive branch when Ed was eleven and only just beginning to recover from the loss of his leg and the failure of his younger brother. Colonel Mustang could have—should have—killed Ed the same way he killed Lieutenant Ross and all those Ishvalans. Burning people alive seems to be the only method the man knows.

Alphonse has had years now to consider whether or not he should hate this man. Ed's made his own opinion perfectly clear with every scathing anecdote he's shared. But Mustang—by the law of the same military they both serve—should have killed Ed for committing the taboo. Should have, yet didn't. Ed seems to have forgotten that, but Alphonse never will. He wishes, far from the first time, that he could see Colonel Mustang again. He'd been shell-shocked back then, so lost, so afraid, that he didn't pay as close attention as he should have. He only has second-hand accounts to form an opinion of the man now, and those are few and far between.

In the long run, of course, it doesn't matter what he thinks. He knows this. He knows there's no sense in holding a grudge against the man for what Ed has had to endure in his time as a State Alchemist. He can't blame the man for Ed's own choices, though at times he wishes the world were so simple. There's no logic in spending the long, long years he has trying to make sense of the Flame Alchemist. Colonel Mustang, if nothing else, is a man who knows how to kill dangerous people the only way he's good for.

(Alphonse wonders if one day Ed will be ordered to do the same thing. To kill someone the only way he's good for. He wonders if Ed already has.)

There's no mention of Fullmetal in the article. No news of Ed at all, nor a phone call from Winry. He hopes Ed didn't get dragged into that mess, hopes that Ed didn't have to watch his superior burn a woman alive.

He spends that night with Steffie and Owen, biting his tongue so as not to ask them what it had felt like to die burning.

He's there when Winry calls.

She's quiet, her voice damp with tears already shed. She spent the day with Mrs. Hughes and her daughter, Elicia. They baked an apple pie. She'd been practicing, see, ever since the Hughes family let her stay with them, and she'd been looking forward to Mr. Hughes trying it. But now he never will.

"Oh, Winry," Granny murmurs.

She and Ed have taken rooms at an inn not far from Central Command. Ed didn't go with her to visit the Hughes family; he found out from Colonel Mustang. Turns out the two men had been friends since their days at the Academy, which might explain—though not justify—the vehemence with which he had burned Lieutenant Ross. Winry knows Ed had gone out the night Ross escaped and was killed, knows too that Ed came back late, brittle as cracked glass, sure to break if she pressed too hard. She suspects, but she'd asked him for nothing more than he offered.

But it doesn't matter, because Ed's gone now.

"Gone where?" Granny and Alphonse both ask.

Winry doesn't know. Major Armstrong appeared in the inn about an hour ago, attacked Ed before dragging him off under the pretense of getting his automail repaired, never mind that Winry had been standing right there. So maybe Ed's going to turn up in Resembool soon? Or maybe there's something covert that Winry can't be privy to? Some mission Colonel Mustang has tasked Ed with, something that will take him far away from Central as well as any further opportunity to research the Philosopher's Stone.

Hopefully. Hopefully Colonel Mustang will keep him busy for a while, putting Ed to task hither and yon, remind the people of Amestris that a State Alchemist can amount to more than a butcher. Hopefully Ed can busy himself aiding some suffering town, remind its people that they've got at least one alchemist in their corner who keeps to the credo so few others do: be thou for the people.

Ed does. He tries to, anyway, and maybe that's the best anybody can expect from one lonely kid doing a job even adults flinch from.

Winry remains in Central. She doesn't have much choice, considering she didn't bring nearly enough money to cover their rooms at the inn. All she can do is wait for Ed to come back. Granny assures her she'll keep an eye out for Ed and Major Armstrong, and promises too that she'll whack them both upside the head for stranding here there.

Mr. McCahan, the station master, always keeps an accurate schedule of the trains moving through the East. He's got to, with Resembool the largest supplier of wool to the military. Second Lieutenant Bartlett comes a-hollering if anything's ever delayed without due warning signed and stamped in triplicate. Mr. McCahan prefers to keep things orderly anyway, so that's rarely an issue. He and the sergeants all get on well, a group of old friends rolling their eyes behind the officer's back.

Alphonse checks and rechecks the posted schedule, then checks it once more to be sure. The absolute earliest Ed can arrive is in two days. He could go back up to Rockbell Automail to wait there and keep Granny company. Or he could wander through the farm houses spaced out in neat squares, tiptoe through tilled fields, make a game of hopping along the fleecy backs of sheep until the herding dogs chase him off. He could go door to door here in town proper, watch the hourly intricacies of a hundred households unfold.

He defaults to worrying, pacing the station, nervous in a way that's impossible to relieve. Owen Sauter and Walt Teller watch him bemusedly from their usual haunts; Owen sat on the station's lone bench and Walt down on the tracks with his arms hooked over the platform ledge. Owen had died by unhappy circumstance, a civilian casualty of a politically strategic attack. Walt had fallen on hard times, and fell again, and once more for good measure, and with no one left to pick him up he threw himself in front of a train in hopes that death would free him. He's still here, certainly, but for as long as Alphonse has known he's seemed to be... not the happiest of all the ghosts, no. Happy is a bad word to ascribe to the unquiet dead. But he smiles more, cracks wry jokes, lays back in the grass and laughs at the flight of birds in a clear blue sky. He was not a happy man, but he is a ghost relieved of all cares.

"You know," Walt says with a grin only partially stifled, "there's this saying about watched pots, lad. You familiar with it?"

He throws his hands up irritably. "Can you blame me? It's been months!"

"It's been months before," Owen points out reasonably. Alphonse hates his reasonable voice. He's always right.

"He hadn't lost two fingers before," he snaps. "I can't believe Granny still hasn't asked which ones. I swear, it's her job to care about that kind of thing! I mean, Ed's going to want replacements eventually. It'd be sensible of him to want ten fingers again, right?"

The two men share a meaningful look, all raised eyebrows and pursed smiles. Walt's the first to break, chuckling into the crook of one elbow. Owen does his best to hide his amusement in a coughing fit, clearing his throat before asking, "Now when has your brother ever been sensible?"

Alphonse opens his mouth, thinks about it, and closes it again. See? Always right. It's insufferable, is what it is.

Owen pats the bench beside him companionably. "Come on, Al. Relax. There's no sense worrying over what you can't change."

He huffs as he sits down, crossing his arms in a petulant slump. "Yeah. Yeah, I know."

A train arrives that afternoon. He knows there's no possibility of Ed being on it. He's disappointed anyway.

There's the usual flurry of activity, workers unloading and loading heavy crates, the sergeants pitching in with their uniform jackets thrown off and their sleeves rolled up. There's only one unfamiliar passenger that gets out, rolling his shoulders like he's glad to stretch his legs. He's a stocky, red-haired man, dressed in nondescript traveling clothes and carrying a small suitcase. For lack of anything else to do, Alphonse opts to follow the stranger into town.

The stranger finds the inn with ease, giving his name as Navidson when he pays Mrs. Forney for one night's stay. He drops his suitcase off upstairs, freshens up in the shared bathroom, then makes his way to the Pelletiers' café up the street. It's after lunch so there're only a few of the older folk enjoying coffee over a game of checkers by the window where the sunlight's still pouring in, Ms. Thorn scribbling away in her usual corner, and a Xingese stranger who must have come into town while Alphonse has been hovering in Granny's shadow.

"Mister Han?" Navidson asks by way of greeting as he walks up to the other stranger's table.

The Xingese man stands to clasp their hands together, smiling amicably. "Ah, yes. You must be the gentleman Fu spoke of. Though I regret to say he did not provide your name...?"

"That would be because the decision of who was coming out to meet you was rather last minute." They sit. Esther comes by to take their orders, both men ordering fresh coffee and hearty sandwiches. It's only once she's back behind the counter that Navidson leans in to introduce himself out of the corner of his mouth. "Breda."

Alphonse blinks. In his experience with following shifty-eyed strangers who use fake names at inns—which happens more than one would think here in Resembool—they've yet to use more than one at a time. And Breda? That's not a common name so far as he knows; in fact, the only Breda he knows of is the one Ed knows. Is this the same Second Lieutenant Heymans Breda? Ed had described him once as, "kind of a big guy, a lot smarter than he looks," which was about as vague and insulting as he ever got. Alphonse feels a second-hand guilt for comparing this stranger to that charming description, but... maybe?

Mr. Han hums good-naturedly. "A pleasure. Now, I've heard there will be two others joining us?"

"That's right. They should arrive tomorrow afternoon, providing there aren't any delays."

Well, that clinches it.

Mr. Han smiles over his cup. "Then that leaves tonight for the two of us to acquaint ourselves and tomorrow to prepare. It's a difficult journey. Have you ever traversed the Great Desert before?"

Lieutenant Breda shrugs. "Did some cleanup in Ishval after the worst of it was over, if you've got the stomach to call it that. Never been any further east than that though."

"Ah, yes." Mr. Han's cheerful expression dims. He finishes his coffee, knits his fingers together and rests his chin against them thoughtfully. "You understand what's at risk here."

Lieutenant Breda's eyes narrow. "I do."

"And does your employer?"

A snort. "God, I hope not."

Mr. Han chuckles. "No, no. I mean the man with whom the young lord struck this deal."

"He does. Whether or not the 'young lord' does, however...." Lieutenant Breda leaves the sentence unfinished, one eyebrow quirked pointedly. If Mr. Han takes any offense at the scathing tone the other man used, it's hidden by his sunglasses.

"As Fu explained to me, it seems as if the young lord and your, ah, direct employer are cut from the same cloth."

"That so?" Another snort. "Then they're a matched set of dreamers."

Mr. Han smiles, nodding as Esther arrives with their fresh coffees. He waits until she's gone to ask, "And what does it say of those that follow them?"

Lieutenant Breda grins. "That we deserve what's coming to us, no matter how it all turns out."

Curious.

The two men talk until the café closes, drawing up lists of enough supplies for four people to survive a trek into the Great Desert to last a month. Apart from their introduction they don't use names, never mentioning a detail about the other two they're waiting for. Lieutenant Breda offers no specifics about himself; nor, for that matter, does Mr. Han say why he's helping three Amestrians cross the border. It certainly doesn't sound legal. Then again, while the eastern mountain range makes travel difficult it's not unheard of for people to pass through them to avoid unwanted attention. The other ghosts and many older folk all recall how trade with Xing—on and off the table—used to be far more common, back before Ishval.

It keeps circling back to Ishval. The reasons for, the consequences of. Maybe it's just a matter of perspective, or simply geography. Maybe the West is a much quieter place than the East.

Alphonse snorts. Sure, and maybe pigs fly out West too. Maybe there are no orphans, no grieving families, no one begging for scraps, no one afraid of what their neighbors might repeat.

Amestris is many things, but very few of them are good.

He watches these two men make their unhurried way back to the inn, speaking in low voices with the odd glance over their shoulders. Cautious, even here in sleepy Resembool. He frowns at their backs, deciding to leave them be for the night to turn over what he's heard. It's too suspicious, too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence. One of Colonel Mustang's men is named Breda; one of Ling Yao's retainers is named Fu. Both have ties to Ed, who's going to be here tomorrow. But why the hell would Ed need to go on an illegal trek into the Great Desert on such short notice?

In the morning the two men split the chore of collecting various supplies between them, including five horses borrowed from Mr. Mandelbaum—practically bought outright, with the amount of money Lieutenant Breda handed over with a knowing look. The man quickly proves to be more personable than his gruff demeanor initially suggests; once or twice his sense of humor whiffs, but otherwise he ingratiates himself well with everyone he meets. A real salt of the earth kind of guy, the only thing giving him away as military the haircut. In Ed's words, definitely smarter than he looks. In Alphonse's, he'd bet good money—"It's a figure of speech, Mister Beckenbauer, lighten up,"— that Lieutenant Breda's made plenty of wisecracks at Ed's expense. He seems the type to give as good as he gets.

They reconvene for a late lunch back at the café once everything's been taken care of, speaking in low tones over their meals. At ten to three Lieutenant Breda leaves, walking leisurely—not to the station, but to the road leading south out of town. He sits on the low stone wall, suitcase at his feet and coat folded beside him. Alphonse remains standing, watching the man get comfortable. Lieutenant Breda looks out across the checkered hills, the greening mountains, the town nestled and folded up on itself like a quilted blanket. Amusement tugs faintly at his mouth. "Who woulda thought that brat came from a place as nice as this?"

Alphonse knows Resembool like the back of his hands; its outer beauty and hidden turmoils, its bright summers buzzing with insects and its winters gray with the false promise of snow. He knows its every nook and cranny, its old and its young, its gossip and its ghosts. It's home, inside and out. There are worse places he could have died. "It is nice, isn't it?"

Together they watch the train come into the station, coal smoke streaking in a stiff westerly breeze. The shriek of its wheels and its whistle are calm, reassuring sounds. The train's arrival means that Ed is back. Even if he isn't here to stay, even if Lieutenant Breda and Mr. Han intend to drag him out of town this same evening—still. He finally, finally gets to see his brother again.

It's both a mere ten minutes and three thousand some odd years before Ed and Major Armstrong crest the hill. Ed’s customary red coat is missing. He would cut an almost intimidating figure in all that black if he weren’t standing next to a literal giant.

Lieutenant Breda stands to greet them both with a glib salute. "Hello, Major Armstrong. You too, big guy."

Ed gawks. Major Armstrong’s eyes twinkle with mischief.

The three of them catch up on the way back to the café, but Alphonse doesn't hear a word of it. He's too busy turning circles around Ed, drinking in every last detail and ignoring the way he makes the men shiver when he passes through them.

First and foremost: Ed's grown again, the brat. He's a bit taller, noticeably broader, filled out like he's gotten good meals on the regular. He's even gotten a trim to take care of his split ends. Teacher's doing on all accounts. In this regard, at least, Ed looks good. He looks stronger, sturdier, more at ease in his own skin. But detracting from the good is whatever happened in Central. Months after the fact, Alphonse finally gets to see the damage those armor-bound souls did to Ed.

Winry had told Granny that Ed's face had gotten messed up, but she'd never said how. There are two scars across the right half of his face; two deep stripes from hairline to ear and inner eye to jaw. They're still a raw pink color, puckered by half-healed stitch marks. When he sneers at a joke Lieutenant Breda makes his expression turns downright ghoulish. There are smaller cuts and scratches on his face and neck, more recently earned, and a nasty bruise over the biggest one on his forehead. He didn't get out of the Devil's Nest unscathed.

When Ed makes a sweeping gesture with his right hand Alphonse drops out of the air, an echo of dismay twisting the space where his stomach once sat. Months after it happened, he finally has an answer to the question Granny never asked. Ed's ring and pinky fingers are gone, as stark an absence as his leg, an empty space where flesh and bone and blood should curl. It's difficult to make out details; Ed's riled up, so once he's finished grumbling he sullenly hunches with his hands in his pockets. But Alphonse does get a good enough look to see that the entire fingers aren't gone, not as he'd been imagining in different configurations on nights without any other distractions. Whatever it was that had taken his fingers had done so at an angle. He's still got a whole joint of his ring finger and a small nub left of his pinky. Not gone-gone, but not enough left to be useful.

Alphonse covers his mouth, pressing hard and wishing he could feel the bite of his teeth against his lips as he swallows all the words Ed can't hear him say. Wasted efforts. He follows after the three of them more meekly back into town, into the otherwise empty café where Mr. Han is waiting with a beatific smile.

"This is Mister Han, the departure coordinator," Lieutenant Breda says.

"Nice to meet you." Mr. Han's face is carefully neutral when he shakes Ed's hand. "Fu told me all about you."

"Fu? Oh. That old guy."

(Alphonse watches the care Ed uses—has to use—to avoid jarring his knuckles, and covers his mouth again.)

Lieutenant Breda gestures to the table. "Let's get down to business about the border crossing."

"Border crossing, huh?" Ed sneers, ghoulishly. "Shame I didn't think to grab my passport while I was getting abducted."

Lieutenant Breda and Major Armstrong exchange a weary look. Clearly they're used to Ed's sense of humor and wish they weren't. "Don't be so naive. If you use your passport, they can track you down."

Ed gawks again. "But that's illega—!"

Turns out, Major Armstrong is a lot faster than his size would suggest. He clamps one huge hand over Ed's face to shut him up and all three men practically leer at Ed as they wait for him to catch on. Is it always like this for him? All the grown ups playing their grown up games, waiting for the kid that's forced his way in to learn the rules? These men haven't lost any pieces of themselves. They've got all their fingers, both their legs, no ugly scars twisting their faces, and they've got the gall to look at Ed like he's second rate. Like he's slow, like he's stupid, like he couldn't think circles around them and kick their asses for good measure. Alphonse leans against the wall, watching with a scowl.

Ed tears Major Armstrong's hand away, shoves past him to thump solidly at the table opposite Mr. Han. "I don't believe it! Abduction, scheming, illegal border crossings. I don't know what you're getting me into, but it better not be something stupid. So—" Ed's grin is wide, showing off that ghoulish twist of his face like he's proud of it. "Where are we going?"

The three men smirk, conspiratorial to the point of glee. "To the east!"

Alphonse had hoped that with Ed and Major Armstrong's arrival they would talk more openly about where—and more importantly, why—they were going. But they're paranoid to an almost ludicrous degree, drawing more attention to themselves for all that they don't say. Everybody in Resembool knows Ed, after all. Small towns are all the same; you can't keep secrets from your neighbors half as well as you think you do.

Ed's been tasked with filling up large canteen-things—Mr. Han called them dromedary bags—at Mr. Mandelbaum's hand pump while the others finish up one or two other last-minute tasks elsewhere. Alphonse pays them no mind. Ed, as always, takes priority. He sits on the edge of a water trough, watching Ed work. He's taken his jacket off, wearing only a fitted black t-shirt that serves to emphasize the muscle he's put on as he hitches a filled bag to one of the horse's saddle. There are more half-healed cuts and bruises on his bare arms. Alphonse mouth twists when he sees them, but he's not surprised. Ed never does watch his back.

Spencer, Mr. Mandelbaum's son, is younger than Alphonse was when he died, still shy of ten by a good margin. He, like most of the younger kids, knows Ed better alone rather than as one-half of the too clever for their own good brothers everyone else recalls with bittersweet exasperation. Nobody really talks about Alphonse anymore, not really. Parents are perhaps more leery of thunderstorms, firmer in their warnings not to go wandering in bad weather so they don't end up like that Elric boy's poor brother.

(He's becoming a ghost story in his own right. It should be so funny.)

Alphonse watches Spencer watch Ed from the safety of the stables for a few minutes. It's kind of hilarious how many kids Ed's age and younger are scared of him. They tell stories to one another, some true things they heard on the radio the other kids didn't, some made up on the spot to impress their peers. Ed's famous and strong and smart and an alchemist, which practically makes him magic in the eyes of little kids. He's a folk hero sprung right out of Resembool's own fields. When Ed's in town kids flock after him like ducklings, shrieking laughter and scattering when he barks at them to buzz off. Ed doesn't notice Spencer, the boy too far off and Ed’s distracted with the fastens of another bag. He swears under his breath when his right hand slips. Alphonse fidgets, wishing he could help, knowing Ed would seethe if he really could.

Eventually Spencer musters up the courage to leave the safety of the stables, slinking across the dusty yard on tiptoe. He hesitates about two meters back, chewing on his lower lip. Ed finally notices; his shoulders stiffen, then relax. He puts up with being gawked at for all of five seconds before snapping out, "What."

Poor kid just about jumps out of his skin, actually yelping and looking horrified with himself for it. "I wasn't doin' nothin'!"

Ed scoffs, heaving another filled bag over one shoulder with an ease he wouldn't have had the last time he'd been in Resembool. Teacher's hellish handiwork. He doesn't so much as glance Spencer's way as he walks to the horses. "Yeah? Sure seems to me like you're skulkin' around for a reason. Spit it out."

Spencer swallows. "Y-you were on the news again."

"So?"

"Did you really fight a bunch of terrorists?" He sort of slurs terrorists, like he isn't sure how to pronounce it, but maybe if he says it very quickly no one will notice.

"What? I mean, yeah? That was ages ago. Months. They're still talkin' about that?"

Spencer goes from scared to starstruck in the blink of an eye. It's honestly kind of adorable. "It's true?! What were they doing? Were they murderers? Were they huge and covered in tattoos? Did they have guns and knives and stuff?"

Ed rolls his eyes as he finishes hitching the bag up, patting the horse absently when it twitches. "Wasn't looking for tattoos. Guns and knives and stuff though, yeah. Bossman had an automail arm that had both. Cheap piece of shit though. Broke easy."

Eesh, but those scars don't do Ed's scary faces any favors. Or maybe they do. It's definitely not a face anybody would want to see pop up in a dark alleyway.

Automail can have both?"

"If you're compensating for something, sure."

Alphonse sighs. "Don't be crass, Brother. He's nine."

(The irony isn't lost on him. In his defense, he would be fourteen if he hadn't died and there is a world of difference between nine and fourteen, thanks very much.)

Spencer hops out of Ed's way as he goes back to the hand pump, staying out of arm's reach. All the kids know Ed won't hesitate to smack them upside the head if they get in his way. "So why'd you hafta go take them out?"

"They hijacked a train to get at some bigwig officer. Wanted to do a hostage swap, the bigwig for some of their guys that got arrested previously. Not like that woulda worked out for 'em even if I hadn't stepped in."

"Wait, train?" Ed's right; that was months ago. Why's he talking about that instead of Dublith?

"Train?" Spencer's nose wrinkles. "I thought they were in a bar."

"Like you even know what a bar is, squirt. The hell are you talkin' about?"

"I do too!" Spencer does not go on to describe a bar, briefly looking panicked as he seems to realize that he doesn't, in fact, know what a bar is. "It's what they said on the radio! You got in a big fight in a bar and the Fuhrer was there and you killed all those terror-guys!"

Ed—

—stills.

He closes off, eyes finding something ugly in the middle distance between the water trough and the Mandelbaum house. His jaw works, his grip tightens on the hand pump's handle so much the metal squeaks. "Wasn't me," he croaks. "I didn't kill anybody there. That was all—them. I was just... I was in the neighborhood. Got caught up in it, that’s all."

"Was it those guys who messed up your face?" Spencer asks, oblivious. Stupid kid. Stupid, sheltered, normal kid.

Ed's eyes are flat bronze coins. "...No. Some other guys kicked my ass before that. Had it comin', I guess. Got in over my head."

"Did it hurt?"

"What?" Ed blinks, shakes his head, whips around to put his ghoulish sneer on full display. "Course it fuckin' hurt. What kinda question is that? Go bug somebody else already, I'm busy."

Ed turns back to the hand pump and starts filling the bag. Spencer however, stays put. He looks like he'd about shriek if Ed so much as went boo at him, but he stays. Some of the other kids probably goaded him into this. Poor kid. "Wh—" He freezes when Ed tenses, dares to keep going when Ed doesn't do anything else. "Where are you going?"

"Not your business, squirt. Fuck off."

Spencer's well of courage finally runs dry; he makes a beeline for the stables at top speed. There's the faint sound of hidden kids giggling. Alphonse shakes his head, smiling at his brother. "You could try to be a little nicer to them, you know. God know why, but they think you’re cool."

Ed mutters to himself, too low to be heard over the spilling water.

It's evening by the time Ed and the others head northeast out of town, the sky turning brilliant shades of orange and pink in the west, their shadows growing long before them. Alphonse follows as far as he can. When he reaches the invisible wall he presses against it, straining his ears until the last faint sound of the horses fades away. He stays long after dusk has fallen, long after their shapes have been swallowed up by the growing night.

Ed will come back. He'll come back safe. Whatever's going on, Ed will come back. He has to.

The first week after Ed leaves is notable only for one evening. Alphonse, wanting a little raucousness after too many quiet nights at Rockbell Automail, goes down to the tavern for a few hours. He claims a corner of the bar nobody's sitting at, looks attentively at the familiar faces playing card games and throwing darts, laughing at dirty jokes and sharing gripes over the day's work. Tim and Nancy, the owners, share quiet looks as they work that speak volumes; they've been married so long they rarely need to speak to have a conversation. Alphonse loves coming by after closing time to watch them quibble over who's taking out the trash or wiping down the tables with a single waggle of an eyebrow and a fond kiss on the cheek.

"Hey," Emma Adams barks out suddenly over the general hubbub. "Hey Tim, turn that up."

Tim obliges, reaching over near where Alphonse is perched to turn up the battered radio.

Turns out there's been an attack on one of the military labs in Central. Two men—one wearing a white mask over his face, the other in a full suit of armor—were pursued into the Third Laboratory by none other than the Flame Alchemist and a small team. It's not clear what these men wanted but none of the scientists suffered more than some rough handling. There's vague mention of Flame and one of his men being injured, but no details are provided and none of the MPs on scene were willing to answer any of the reporter's questions. There is, curiously enough, one comment given. None other than Fuhrer Bradley himself says, "The good Colonel Mustang and his men had things well in hand before I happened by. Rest assured that these intruders have been dealt with."

Well. Dealt with doesn't leave much to the imagination, now does it?

Alphonse spends that night up on the roof of the bell tower, the highest point in town. He watches a thin cloud cover scud across the star-dusted sky, fantastic shapes there and gone at the whim of a wind he can't feel. It's probably warm out, with the frog song rising up from the riverbank as loud as it is. It's a good night for stargazing, but he's distracted. There are too many questions buzzing like mosquitoes in his head.

A suit of armor. Not exactly a common thing to see. Was it one of the same empty suits that Ed had fought in some other military facility? Who was the man it was working with? Why had they gone into one of the labs? Why had Colonel Mustang been after them? Why had the Colonel sent Ed and Lieutenant Breda into the Great Desert? If they'd been in Central would the Colonel and the other subordinate been hurt? How badly hurt are they? What would happen to Ed if Colonel Mustang died?

Alphonse sighs. He ought to know better by now not to have all the answers.

Another week passes. There's nothing else unusual in the news, no interesting gossip, no sign of Ed. It all returns to routine. There are brief, dull reports on all the latest political upsets. The body count in Liore ticks higher and higher. There's been another bloody skirmish on the Cretan border. Terse discussions with Aerugo that resolve nothing. The ongoing tensions with Drachma despite the non-aggression pact. Old news. Amestris has always had a bite as bad as its bark.

He checks in with Granny a few hours each day, listening in on phone calls from Winry when he catches them, relieved that she hasn't gotten into any trouble. She visits the Hughes family each day, babysitting Elicia when Mrs. Hughes' shifts at the hospital run long. She had lunch with Miss Hawkeye a few days after the incident at the Third Lab. There are more MPs running around Central than the last time Winry was there, but if Hawkeye knew why she didn't say. Winry sounds bored and frustrated, but at least she's not in danger. That seems to appease Granny, but they both fret over Ed's continued absence.

Alphonse spends the days as he always does; people watching, bothering the odd pet, gossiping with the odd ghost. There's nothing else to do but wait.

"I'm sick of waiting," he complains to Mrs. Morgenstern one afternoon. He's sat on the edge of the river, curled up with his knees in his chest. Mrs. Morgenstern is out on the water, twirling slow circles in a waltz for one. Her heavy skirts—the reason she drowned that day so long ago, for she insists she was an excellent swimmer despite her age—spin to and fro as she changes directions. She leaves no ripples in her wake across the water's surface.

There's dry amusement in the sidelong glance she shoots him. Weariness too. "Chin up, dear. It's a fine day out."

She doesn't tell him it will get better. She doesn't tell him not to worry. She doesn't tell him to quit whining. She died 41 years ago, far from town on an empty stretch of river between two farms. She knows better than he does how long a day can last.

When she holds out one hand in invitation he joins her, and they while away a few hours dancing. It's much better than sitting there feeling sorry for himself.

Fifteen days and fourteen hours after Ed left, the nine a.m. train pulls into the station five minutes later than expected. Alphonse is in a field not far from the road south of town watching a few near-spherical little birds hop about in the dirt, pecking hopefully here and there for a wayward bug to eat. One of them flaps furiously, giving itself a dust bath and making the others all chatter. Idle curiosity makes him glance at the dissipating streak of coal smoke, but he stays put. Bird watching is more interesting than watching tired adults haul crates back and forth.

But fifteen minutes or so later he hears footsteps, unhurried and unencumbered. Granny's next out-of-towner isn't due until Saturday, she's not expecting another shipment until Monday, and the townsfolk don't normally make the trek all the way out this far. An unexpected visitor? He springs up out of the tall grass to see who it is.

There's a man walking up the road, tall and broad and blond. A man wearing dusty traveling clothes and a pair of glasses that flash in the bright sun. A man with a neatly trimmed beard and long hair gathered back in a long ponytail. A man Alphonse had assumed he would never see again.

"...Dad?"

====

(It’s at this point I feel I ought to mention Ed’s characterization—and injuries—is heavily influenced by the ‘03-verse as well as metisket’s demon alchemist series.)

#fma #fmab #fullmetal alchemist #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #alphonse elric #my writing #if this breaks on mobile i am so. so. sorry

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septembersung · 5 years

Text

I spent most of the last two months thinking through my educational philosophy in a concrete way - tying it all together, seeing how far we’ve come, and where I want to go over the next year. I’ve finished final revisions to method, schedule, and content, and starting in May we’re ready to launch the revisions. My oldest would be starting public school kindergarten this fall if we were going that route, so our start-early-take-it-easy trial year is nearly over, and it is such a good feeling to see all these ducks in a row (and so far ahead of the legal paperwork deadlines!)

I’ve finally gotten over the feeling that I have to prove myself, which is almost as much of a relief as being able to clearly and succinctly articulate what we’re doing here and why. Under the cut is my thinking-out-loud: a general summary and a where-we-are-now overview.

Our homeschool, now under the patronage of St. Boniface, is a Catholic, holistic, classical liberal arts education for all ages. (That means everyone’s part of school, even the baby, many subjects are taught together, and we don’t have “vacation” from learning.) Our year-round structure is divided into four terms, each named each after a concurrent feast or season: June - Aug is Pentecost Term; Sept - Nov is Michaelmas Term; Dec - Feb is Christmas Term; and we are currently in Easter Term, March - May.

My new elevator speech, hastily prepared a few days ago when I suddenly realized I was going to get grilled by extended family members during Easter Sunday get-togethers, is, “We are homeschooling in the Catholic, classical liberal arts tradition, with some Charlotte Mason influences.” Although depending on who’s asking it was wiser to say, “We’re homeschooling with a classical program.” That’s what most people, family and acquaintances alike, are looking for after all - they don’t know what a ‘Catholic classical liberal arts education’ is or who Charlotte Mason was, and more importantly, they don’t care. And most of our family, while verbally in general supportive of homeschooling, are old-school evangelicals who have a deep distrust if not outright hatred of the Church and anything tainted with even a faint resemblance of the Faith. So what they really want to know is, “how much of a weirdo are you??” Well, we’re definitely Weird (can’t help it, being tradition-minded Catholics and all,) but yes we are using a “real” curriculum, thanks for asking, and I just won’t mention the curriculum we’ve taken as a guide is named after our Blessed Mother.

Anyway. In familiar, contemporary terms, I have a kindergartener (5), a preschooler (nearly 4), a toddler (2), and an infant. But the ”kindergartener” is working anywhere from a K to a 5th grade level in various subjects, the “preschooler” from a K to 3rd level, and the toddler at a preschool level. It turns out grade level really doesn’t matter all that much.

Why do they seem so advanced? It’s a combination of being bright kids, who are learning together, and directly with mom and dad, who are given real material to work with - and all that compared against the severely lackluster contemporary federal standards we’re familiar with. Don’t get me wrong: they’re all definitely bright kids! I’m very, very proud of them. And I strongly suspect Benedict and Mary fall in the “gifted” spectrum. (As someone who was cursed with that label early on and lived with the fallout all through public school, I’ve given the issue sober reflection.) But they don’t seem to be prodigies, and I firmly believe that any reasonably bright child given a substantial, nurturing home education is going to show up on the very high end of contemporary public school rubrics; analysis of the test data certainly supports that intuition. But I digress.

With the classical foundation and structure as a given, I’ve borrowed as useful “tools” some concepts and approaches from Charlotte Mason, and use Mother of Divine Grace’s booklist, textbooks, and breakdown of the classical method as a template. With those complementary tools we’re building a tailored curriculum within our family culture.

Thus the theory. Where are we actually at now?

As a dutiful (would-be) Benedictine oblate, I build our day around the Divine Office. I say as much as I can and for the most part expect the kids to say our family morning offering, and then Tertia (9am), Sexta (12pm), and Nona (3pm). Evenings are hard for us because of Husband’s schedule so I waffle on whether to have them say Vespers or Compline, but even on the “worst” of evenings we do our own bedtime prayers. Other family devotions, including the rosary, come and go in a more or less regular rotation. Ideally we do most of our academics and some read alouds in the morning, cook and bake between 10-12, spend lots of time outdoors, have teatime with our baked goods after Nona, and then somehow muddle our way between dinner, Offices, stories, cleaning up ourselves and the house, and bedtime.

For Holy Week and Triduum we were staying with family so we focused on family time and on living our faith as best we could while not at home. In one way it’s good, because we are just a short (comparatively) drive from an FSSP church; in another way it’s difficult, because the extended family looks askance at our Catholicity.

At home again for the Octave of Easter, we’ve set aside the schedule and “academics” (such as phonics and math drills) to let our interests lead us where they will. Sort of in unschooling fashion, though I try to retain the basic structure of our ideal day, as outlined above. ((Although I have time to write this all out today because I’m sick enough to be couch-ridden so mostly it’s been “go play outside, come in when you’re hungry, no I can’t read to you I can barely talk.” But all signs point to getting back up to speed before the week is out.)) (((One reason I love the year round four term cycle is we can have relaxed days and sick days like this, and “take off” for high holy days like Octaves - and there is absolutely zero worry about “losing time” or “falling behind.” But I digress, again.)))

Before/at the start of each term I make a core book list, which encompasses chapter books, reference/encyclopedia-style books, workbooks, and similar. We add to it as we go, and occasionally drop a book or quit early to save for later. Frequently I start the next term’s list early so as not to lose track of great books we just don’t have room for at the moment, so I’m in the middle of Pentecost Term’s list right now.) Some books carry over from term to term, or even year to year (e.g. Book of Virtues.)

Rather than daily lesson plans, our goals are now in whole books, sections of, and skills to master, and I record what we actually do each day instead of what I’d like to do. At least that’s the record keeping method I’m switching to beginning May 1st. I’m filling in my lesson plan book with subject headings. Then in each box I’ll write down what we actually did for that subject on that day. I will also keep going with my notebook (or more realistically speaking, the typed file) where I write everything out in more comprehensive detail.

My list of “subjects” looks like this; I’ve included the sub-headings in parentheses:

memorization (poems, songs, prayers)

music (playing and listening, )

penmanship (MODG handwriting books, tracing books, free writing/drawing/coloring in many mediums on many surfaces)

literature (read alouds)

nonfiction (read alouds)

reading (phonics, readers)

math (Abeka K drills, MODG PK math, general practice)

social studies (history, geography)

life skills (cooking, chores, etc)

foreign language (spanish, latin, asl)

science (observation, journaling, scrapbooking, reading, experiments)

handcrafts (drop spindles, little looms, pre-sewing skills)

religion (catechism, prayer, Scripture, etc)

astronomy (constellations, telescope use, solar system, history of, etc)

art (appreciation, making)

husbandry (growing things) ((and someday we’ll be able to raise animals))

The beauty of this division is it’s easier to keep track of all we’re really accomplishing. So many books and practices work for more than one thing; e.g., learning a traditional hymn (bonus if it’s actually part of the Office!) goes in Latin, music, Religion, and memorization. Now I can make quick notes of things we’ve done and easily see what we’re accomplishing and what might be getting put on the back burner.

Booklist for Easter term (so far):

Literature (excluding picture books*): Farmer Boy Little House on the Prairie Black Ships Before Troy: The Story of the Iliad The Wanderings of Odysseus: The Story of the Odyssey The Boxcar Children #2: Surprise Island The Boxcar Children #3: The Yellow House Mystery Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle (#1) The Amelia Bedelia Treasury (vols. 1 & 2) The King of the Golden City: An Allegory for Children A Child’s Book of Myths (audiobook, physical copy for illustrations)

*Picture books are not listed individually because we use the MODG lists, PK - 1st, with additions, comprehensively. We’ve about exhausted the PK and K lists and are beginning to move into the 1st grade list. We read these picture books at will throughout the year, sometimes more frequently and sometimes less.

“Spine” books, Nonfiction, anthologies, reference, hands-on, etc: Discovering Our World: A Course in Science for the Middle Grades (1937), units 1 & 2 St Joseph First Communion Catechism Little Angel Catholic Readers, Book A Book of Virtues Grimm’s Fairy Tales The Harp and the Laurel Wreath Abridged & Illustrated Gibbons’ Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire Nature in America Cathedrals and Churches of Europe DK Eyewitness: Plants Sister Wendy’s The Story of Painting (paired with the DVD) Pioneer Farm Cooking by Gunderson (a cookbook) The Story of Great Inventions by Elmer Ellsworth Burns (1910) Bach picture book biography for children Mozart picture book biography for children

The tl;dr of the complexity of the issue has been how to make education a normal, daily thing, that’s truly comprehensive, in a family setting with a variety of ages and abilities and interests - without “doing school” in a way that makes it a drag for the kids (because who likes being regimented that way?? nobody!) but without being so loosey-goosey that I have no idea where we are or should be. This breakdown and method, which we’ve been half-doing for a while and are now going to give a long good try for the next twelve months, is as close to perfect as I can get it at this stage in our lives.

This post started out as a booklist and turned into a manifesto... and I’m not even surprised. Or bothered. Viva la homeschooling!

#my homeschooling tag

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eene-fangirl · 6 years

Text

Premonition: Never Too Ed Chapter 2 [An Ed, Edd n Eddy Fanfiction]

Edd cringed feeling the warm rays from the sun hit his eyes. He groaned, slowly waking up. Rubbing his eyes, Edd wanted no more then to return to sleep. He had no desire to do anything today. As much as Edd couldn’t stand the thought he had to take a day off from school. His heart wasn’t in it.

Lying back in the comfortable pillows Edd noticed he didn’t have a headache from the night before. At least sleep helped get rid of it. Though he knew it wouldn’t be gone long.

Sniffing the air the scent of pancakes filled his nose. Chocolate chip pancakes. He could also faintly hear Casey. She sounded cheerful. Best to distract her from the the awful events occuring right now.

Edd opened his eyes.

He was in his bedroom.

Edd sat up, confused. He was dressed in his striped pajamas instead of the clothing he was in last night. Did Eddy’s parents decided to take him up to bed so he could be more comfortable?

It was five minutes to seven now. He had the privilege to sleep in but Casey’s laughter was beginning to concern him. After ignoring his daughter last night Edd felt that he needed to be with her this morning.

Exiting his room, Edd noticed the door to the guest bedroom was open. It did not look as if anybody had slept in there.

He walked down the stairs. Something felt all the more off. The TV was on. Jeopardy was on. Eddy always watched Jeopardy in the morning.

That’s when Edd heard a voice.

Eddy didn’t sound that much like his father, did he?

It was like one of those suspenseful movies. Edd’s heart pounded as the TV grew louder along with the voices.

Edd could have fainted when he walked into the kitchen.

There was Eddy enjoying a plate full of pancakes and drinking coffee, laughing with Casey.

“E-Eddy...”

Eddy briefly glanced at him upon hearing his name. Then he completely turned around looking alarmed.

“Double D? What’s the matter?” Eddy asked with clear worry in his voice.

Edd couldn’t speak. His hand grasped the counter. He was waiting to wake up back on the couch cuddling their wedding picture. This all didn’t feel real. Unless yesterday wasn’t real.

“I-I just had...” Edd stuttered trying to gather his thoughts. “Had a horrible nightmare. You- you...”

Eddy walked over holding his arms. Casey also looked alarmed, watching her parents curiously.

“Are you feeling okay? I thought you just wanted to sleep a bit longer.” Eddy said, quietly. He placed his hand against his cheek seeing if he was feverish. Edd leaned into the touch, needed to feel Eddy’s body. To make sure he was there and that he was not imagining all this he touched his hand. It was warm. He was there.

“I’m fine,” Edd was relieved, wanting to cry. How could his imagination create a world in which his beloved died?

“Are you sure?” Eddy asked him. “You want me to drive Casey to school? The Monday traffic is always horrendous.”

Monday? Yesterday was...

“I-I’ll go change.” Edd smiled at his daughter, reassuring her that everything was okay. He thought he was going to have to take the day off today. Edd was looking forward to that. He didn’t know whether to feel relieved or scared. The events from the day prior did not feel like a dream at all. They were so real.

Eddy was still by his side. He had a hand on his back as they walked up the stairs. “Edd, are you sure you’re okay?”

No. Edd nodded.

Just then his cell phone went off. It was only his planner telling him that he had a meeting in a half hour. Edd was scared to let his husband go. The sorrow, dread and anger that he felt were all still there.

“I gotta go. Nazz’ll be waiting if I don’t get...”

“Nazz?” Edd questioned.

Eddy looked all the more bewildered at Edd. His hand clenched around his even tighter. “Nazz is the new receptionist. I told you that.”

Edd nodded. “Right. I just... forgot...”

Eddy kissed his cheeks and went off to work. Edd watched from the window until Eddy’s car disappeared.

Once he was dressed and had his own satchel packed with his supplies Edd drove off to his daughter’s school. It was the same morning traffic, usual line up, along with parents arguing with crossing guards. Edd couldn’t get his mind off yesterday.

“Did you study your spelling words?” Edd asked Casey.

Casey looked at him as if he were crazy. “Daddy and I studied them on the couch last night. Remember?”

Edd blinked. No. “Yes, that’s right.”

“I’ll see you at Uncle Ed and Aunt May’s after school!” Casey called to him when she exited the car.

Edd gasped. “Casey, don’t forget your... lunch...”

Casey came back and did the same motion with her fingers and whistled.

Now Edd was deeply bothered by yest... the dream.

He arrived at Starling High School right when the bell rang. His boss give him a look making Edd’s discomfort worse. The man made him nervous. He didn’t know if he was the only one out of all the teachers. That’s what he missed from his old job. Having a cheerful boss who was so understand was the highlight of working at the elementary school. That’s where he wanted to be right now.

His class was all settled in. Now he felt the Monday morning vibe. Most of them were asleep.

“Okay, um... class, we have a lot to learn,” Edd announced trying to distract himself in anyway he could. He looked through his bag for papers.

He found the quizzes. They were not marked up. Yesterday they were... or... he had no idea anymore!

The class took their time with their quizzes. Instead of teaching Edd waited for them to finish and give them to privilege to have a study. Maybe he should go to the doctor to see if something was wrong with him.

“Turn in your quizzes,” he announced once the bell rang.

Glancing at each paper the answers looked very reminiscent. Edd joked to himself that it wouldn’t take long to grade the papers. It didn’t lighten the mood so well.

“Thank you, Mr. McGee.” His student placed an apple on his desk.

Edd stared at the apple. “Didn’t you give me an apple yesterday?”

She turned, confused. “Yesterday was Sunday. We weren’t here.”

Edd’s eyes lowered, staring into the desk. “Correct.”

Edd’s headache returned by the end of the day. He drove off to the market needing to buy food anyway. At least that was something distinct compared to the nightmare. However, while driving, Edd thought back to Officer Kevin’s words. Eddy died in a...

Edd gasped immediately stomping on the brakes when a car rushed passed honking its horn at him. Oh, he didn’t stop for a red light. What....

It was a mix of relief and anger when a cop car pulled up behind him sounding its alarm.

Groaning, Edd prepared his license.

“Quite a stop,” The voice said.

“My apologies, I...” Turning to meet the cop it was Kevin. “Oh, hello Kevin...”

Kevin’s face immediately brightened. “Double D! How are you? Are you okay?”

“Um... yes, I was distracted,” Edd answered, glancing at his side mirror.

“As long as you’re okay. How is Eddy?”

Eddy was killed on the highway yesterday. He died instantly. “Fine.”

“These Monday’s always catch up with you, don’t they!” May beamed when Edd picked up Casey from their house. She carried their youngest, Ed Jr, as Casey ran around with Ed and May’s twins, Jenny and Alexander. Ed was also playing with them. He rolled around in the grass as the children toppled on him.

“Come along, Casey. I have to start dinner!” Edd called out. He sounded more frustrated which alerted May. Edd opened up his trunk placing a couple of plates Ed had borrowed from he and Eddy.

Casey said goodbye to her friends and placed her bag into the car. Her socks where covered in dirt and her pants were also stained. Normally Edd wouldn’t be so annoyed but with today’s events he was fuming.

“You should have asked us to come to the park yesterday,” Ed said. He had tossed his son of his shoulder, playing around.

Now Edd gripped the trunk of the car. “Park?”

“Yeah. Eddy took Casey to the park yesterday. He texted me, yesterday,” Ed explained.

Edd turned his head to look at his longtime friends. “Did I call you yesterday?”

“We talked to Eddy,” May answered, a bit confused.

“No! Me!” Edd’s frustrated voice rang out. “Did I leave you a message?”

Ed and May looked at each other, concern etched in their faces. “No.”

Edd angrilly sighed. He adjusted his groceries inadvertently knocked a bottle of wine out of its bag. “Shoot!” Edd cursed himself.

Ed put his son down and walked over to his friend. He put a comforting hand on Edd’s back. “Double D, is everything okay?” Ed asked quietly. He squeezed harder and continued, “With you and Eddy?”

“... Yes...”

Returning back home Casey did her homework as Edd cleaned the house. There were no messages this time. The laundry was in a pile. A load was finished.

Edd hung up everything on the lines outside. It was windy as the clean sheets waved around. Edd had to admit it was calming. Taking a deep breath he looked up at the cloudy sky. It was just dream.

Taking a step back Edd tripped and fell on the ground.

Is hand touched something wet when he went to pick himself up.

Flies buzzed all around. He smell of a rotting, dead crow filled Edd’s nose.

“Oh!” Edd whimpered. He sprinted back into the house. He opened the sliding door only to leave a bloody hand print behind. “Filthy, filthy, filthy!” Edd uttered.

“What is it, father?” Casey asked, alarmed.

“It’s nothing! I’m okay. Could you please wash off the glass?” Edd asked immediately scrubbing his hand clean from the blood and germs that had been manifesting the crow. He spent at least twenty minutes at the sink until he felt his hand was clean. Edd grasped the counter taking a deep breath. He just wanted to go to bed.

Putting on a rubber glove Edd went back outside, picked up the putrid crow and threw it into the garbage.

What was going on?

Eddy returned home not too long after the incident with the crow. Edd was relieved, kissing him and giving him a hug.

He didn’t even have dinner prepared yet. As Edd stood in the kitchen he listened to Eddy helping Casey with her homework. They laughed and joked around. Edd sighed. What was he doing wrong?

He family was quiet as they sat at the table.

Edd didn’t know what to say. Glancing at Eddy he also looked as if he were struggling to say something. The sounds of forks hitting the plates was the worst sound any family could listen to. Looking back on this morning Edd never told Eddy about the nightmare. Should he? Or would it only alarm him further?

Edd was first to go to bed, feeling completely drained. Although he was ecstatic that Eddy was alive, something else bothered him. He’d felt this strange mood for some time now. All his life Edd stuck to routine. He liked routine. But change scared him. Were things going to change in the near future?

A mere hour later Edd heard Eddy crawl into bed. Some time passed before Edd heard his husband snoring. Turning over Edd was face to with Eddy’s sleeping face. His hand smoothed along Eddy’s hand. The man flinched in his sleep, turning his back to Edd. Feeling his heart swell, Edd just went to sleep in hopes for a better day.

#ed edd n eddy #eene #eene fanfiction #EddEddy #EdMay

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ptsfreed · 3 years

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Starting over

TW: mental abuse, physical abuse, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting

For years, I’ve kept a journal or blog. I started when I was 5 when my mom bought me my first journal (it even had a lock and key). As I got older, I transitioned to blogs. I tried them all, Xanga, Tumblr, Blogspot. Writing has always been cathartic for me, a way to process and heal. I had gradually fallen out of the habit but I know that it’s time to start up again. Last week, I actually made a booming return to paper/pencil journaling, but let’s get real--my hand hurts. Typing is just so much faster. Blogging it is.

I suppose I should start out with outlining my goals for what I’m planning to achieve with my return to writing. I want to give myself the opportunity to slow down, process my emotions and experiences, and heal. I like having the ability to have something physical to look back on, sort of like a barometer for intangible growth. It’s hard to measure social-emotional learning otherwise.

Here’s what I’m currently dealing with. I’m 31, married, with two children. I’m a full-time work-from-home-parent. I am a moderate/severe special ed teacher for a virtual charter school. My husband also works from home full-time in the entertainment industry, so it’s just us versus the kids all day. My little ones are 3 and the other is just shy of one. My husband and I became first-time homeowners right in the midst of the pandemic. Then he was laid off. For seven months. We’re both educated with experience in our field. Overnight, we went from a six-figure household to becoming eligible for food stamps. This year, I marveled at how easily a job loss in a two-income household could turn that very same household eligible for welfare.

Depression ran high. The booze flowed. My PTSD symptoms went untreated as available therapy appointments became more scarce with the entire world enduring a collective trauma together. I watched my strong husband crumble. I saw him cry and doubt himself for the first time ever. I watched as a dark cloud seemed to envelop our household, ridden with fear for the future, uncertainty for the present. We became expert budgeters. We ate all the leftovers. We helped each other to thrive with the most limited social interaction in our lives. With the welcoming of our son, we compromised our social-distancing for family’s sake, with the promise that everyone in our pod would commit to limiting our social diets to strictly one-another. It was hard...we love our families, but we dearly missed our friends. Living two hours away from family in the first place, our local friends quickly became family. But we adjusted. Loneliness was preferable to falling ill to Covid--or worse, dying.

At some point during the pandemic, my mom moved in with us after leaving her abusive 30-year relationship with my father. Except, she never really left. She maintained contact with him. I knew it would be difficult for her. I expected the separation to be hard, painful, and drawn-out. What I didn’t expect was how severely living with my mom again after seven years would impact my mental health. I could feel my anxiety levels rising. My resentment steadily followed. I didn’t want things to feel this way. I was battling toddlerhood with a strong-willed, fiery, emotional kid with a penchant for hitting and also adjusting to life as a full-time working mom of two. I felt the emotional toll of being there for everyone, compassion fatigue, though I hated to say it. I felt like as a doting mother, good wife, caring teacher, and compassionate daughter I needed to do it. But the toll it was taking on my body and mental health was unmistakable. I cried, sometimes for no reason at all. I snapped, I felt angry at small things. My house looked like a tornado ran through it at all times. Finding motivation to do things was like pulling teeth. I gained weight, I hit the bottle almost nightly, though I typically limited myself to two drinks. I told myself I deserved it. Lots of people share a bottle every night with their significant other. It’s not like it was impacting my ability to perform my job or care for my children. Deep down, I still didn’t like it. It felt like the only way to escape from the hell of quarantine and being broke. I just wanted to see people. Spend without immediately regretting it. Yet here we were.

The year has been a challenge. Ridden with strong toddler emotions and learning to navigate parenthood while actively trying to break the cycle of spanking and yelling to discipline. I don’t always succeed and I hate myself each time I snap. I run to my daughter, apologize and tell her that I was feeling overwhelmed, but that wasn’t okay. It’s never okay to spank a bottom or yell because you want compliance. If I can’t always be the perfect parent, then I can at least be one that is apologetic and not too proud to say sorry. I want to teach accountability and remorse for one’s own actions. At the very least, I can instill that. That’s the silver lining of losing your cool, I guess. But with these apologies and accepting accountability, it’s important that I also couple these sentiments with change. It’s important that I do this in all aspects of my life, which is what I hope to achieve with writing. I need to hold myself accountable and be able to look back at change. I can do this. I have done so much. I have survived the pandemic. I have created a family. I have finished a bachelor’s and a master’s degree with little financial support. I have paid my way out of debts. I can do this.

1. First and foremost, the reason I started writing again in the first place, I am done with binge drinking. I feel pangs of doubt as I write this, afraid of my own capacity for caving to cravings and peer pressure. As I experience those pangs, I can hear a silent voice in the back of my head telling me to push forward and cast that doubt aside. I know I can do this. Enough is enough. My relationship with alcohol has never been healthy. I began my drinking career in college surrounded by friends that made me feel home. Drinking was fun, cool, part of the experience. Pre-gaming was encourage and expected. If pre-gaming meant you got drunk before the party, then the goal of the party was to get even more smashed. I carried these habits into adulthood and still carry them with me today. My last binge was Sunday and I’m not going to torment myself by recanting how bad it was yet again. My goal isn’t to stop drinking entirely, just to have a healthier relationship with alcohol altogether. Binging isn’t healthy. The person I become when I drink isn’t healthy. I can control this. I can do this.

2. I want to continue my journey into healthier eating and fitness habits. As of today, this is the longest time I’ve ever seriously stuck with a weight loss goal. I’ve lost 6 pounds since I began with mostly just-dieting. The fitness part has been difficult to make time for, but I’m working on it. I know that this goal is closely tied to goal #1. If I can get in control of my diet, I can get in control of my drinking. I am in charge. I can take ownership of my health. I can do this.

3. I want to continue learning about my PTSD, my symptoms and how they have and continue to impact my life. I want to continue learning about establishing healthy boundaries with people I love, my mom included, unfortunately. I want to continue learning about narcissistic abuse, substance abuse, and how these factors have contributed to who I am as well as my entire family dynamic. Growing up hispanic, it has been incredibly difficult to establish boundaries without being labeled as “too good”, “hateful” and “too angry”. I have been told countless times by my own mother that I’m too angry and upset at my father who physically and mentally abused me and my entire family for as long as I can remember. My dad has cheated on my mom and rejected me for over two decades. I am sick and tired of being told to forgive my abuser because my boundaries make others feel uncomfortable. What has been especially hard after actively working on myself for 3+ years is having my own family tell me that perhaps therapy isn’t suiting me because it’s made me “too angry” and that I’ve “lost my lust for life”. They want to assume that my general sense of frustration is attributed to not talking to my dad, when in reality, freeing myself from that relationship has afforded me more peace than I ever could have fathomed. Sure, there are difficult moments, but every time I think that maybe that relationship may be worth pursuing again, I am reminded of why I have established such rock-solid boundaries in the first place. According to others though, this makes me too hateful. Too angry. “You’ve punished him enough”, they say. As if this was ever about punishment and not about protecting myself and my children from narcissistic abuse in the first place. They say this and accuse this anger of pouring into other aspects of my life, without ever once asking what’s really going on inside. Not once has anybody asked how parenthood is going. How I’m coping with the pandemic and the renewed sense of cautious freedom now that I am fully vaccinated and my husband is halfway vaccinated. Not once has anybody thought to consider that maybe I’m not super woman, that I’m just human and that I too have moments of vulnerability that I irresponsibly cope with by binge drinking. Instead, everybody says that the best course of action is to essentially “get over” my resentment and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder brought on by the decades-long abuse I suffered at the hands of my own father. The same hands that banged my head against a wall, beat me within an inch of my life, and then sent me to work at a cosmetics counter without a stitch of makeup and completely battered and bruised. According to the armchair therapists in my life, it’s my job to let go of these feelings and now trust this same meth-addicted man with my children. I need to trust in his capacity for change and honesty after 20+ years of lying and gaslighting. I don’t want my boundaries to cost me the most important relationships in my life. But at this point, I can’t do it anymore. I am exhausted with explaining myself, for demanding respect and begging to have my story heard and considered. My mom will continue to choose my dad over me. She feels compelled to be his friend and the peacekeeper, still, even after attending therapy and working on herself. I know that my dad is at the center of this, stirring the pot and causing a rift in my relationship with my mother because having me out of the picture will bring the two of them closer. “See, she turned her back on you too”, I can hear him saying. This is the loneliest I have ever felt in my life. I have been told that by my parents my entire life that I am essentially dispensable. “I don’t fucking need you”, my dad would say. My mom would “intervene” by asking me what I did to make him so upset, and perhaps I should just “find somewhere else to live” if this was how I was going to act. I hate feeling this way. It hasn’t gotten easier as a 31 year old woman, but I can say that I am now able to see the situation much more objectively and with clarity. This is why it’s important to keep attending therapy, working on my drinking, practicing mindfulness, and living my life with intention. Wellness really does come full circle. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

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awed-frog · 7 years

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Hi! I'm really interested in seeing Human Cas as the end of his arc, and I've seen that you have one or two opinions really cool about that too so I was wondering if you would elaborate what you think of it?

Hi! Man, that is one complicated question! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to talk about it - this is going to be a bit long and quite possibly overly nerdy, so I apologize in advance.

First of all - as @thejabberwock said last week, the idea that Cas needs to become human in order to complete some kind of character development or be worthy of a human’s love or whatever else is slightly horrifying.

Interestingly, this whole theme - supernatural creatures giving up their identity to find love - is not some old mythology trope, because in Western mythology and folklore, love between a human and a supernatural creature simply doesn’t work, and there’s no way around it. On the one end of the spectrum, you’ve got your god/human relationships, and there what happens is generally a) human spies on god’s true form, dies horribly, b) god tries to do something nice for human, kills him horribly in freak accident, c) god’s friend gets jealous, human dies horribly, d) human gets pregnant, dies horribly, e) human has a lick of sense, turns down god, is raped or turns into a tree, or f) love story is disregarded because the important bit is that a hero is born, and behold. On the other end of the spectrum, you get your selkie/fae storylines, and I keep seeing posts on tumblr like Don’t hide your selkie’s pelt, #trust and #respect, and I’m sure OP means well, but that’s plain bullshit. The whole point of those stories is that you can’t change your fundamental nature, and those creatures may love a human for a time, but ultimately they belong in their own realm and that’s sad and heartbreaking, but also how the world works. So, if a selkie finds her pelt, she will desert her family even if she truly loves her human husband (and often she does: that’s the tragedy); if you sleep with a sidhe, she’ll probably come back as a pregnant doe and deliver a human baby for you and then fuck off, because she can’t help it; and in the rare cases (I know only of one) where a fae is actively trying to deny the call of the wild to be with you, well, you’ll fuck it up, because that’s what humans do (and plese, do ask me about it - that story is too long for this post but is also the best story EVER). So, well - traditionally, this stuff doesn’t work, but I’m not sure it has to do with racism and cautionary tales - after all, there are plenty of stories about men marrying princess ‘from beyond the sea’ and whatever - I think we simply know in our bones that when it comes to the divine, we’re outgunned and we should be very careful - and sticking your dick into something that’s been alive for five centuries is not a good way of being careful.

So, long and winding introduction aside - if a supernatural creature giving up their immortality to be with their human lover is not a mythology trope, where the hell does it come from?

Well - in part, it comes from the other part of our humanity: fairy tales. Now, unlike myths, fairy tales are more about teaching good behaviour than God and the afterlife, and what tends to happen there is that men are pushed to become more of what they are, while women are invited to become less of what they are (just as it happens in real life). In fairy tales, men leave their houses and their countries, pretend to be noblemen, make use of magical objects, lie through their teeth, fight outsized opponents and ultimately end up with a title and a bride. Women, on the other hand, generally keep their eyes down, accept shitty gifts gratefully, clean when they’re told to, and put others first. Giving up a piece of yourself in order to belong - that’s not what gods do; it’s what women do, and this propaganda has been so successful that we all live like that, mostly without even realizing it - we accept that our life is ours (sort of) only until we become mothers or wives; and then we put aside our own ambitions and focus on our husband’s and kids’. In this sense, it is telling that a selkie - a creature of folklore and myth - will go back to the sea and fuck you very much, but the girl who lived in an apple (an old fairy tale from Bologna), like many of her fruity friends, is freed from the enchantment when she’s eighteen - and she promptly marries the prince who’d been obsessing over the mysterious hottie who came out of his fruit bowl every night.

It’s also important to stress, however, that traditional fairy tales are only partly at fault for our selfish asses wanting angels and selkies to drop everything and cook us dinner every night: much of the blame (if not all, let’s be honest) is on Andersen’s The Little Mermaid - where, let’s not forget about it, what the mermaid wants is not only love, but also an immortal soul and access to the Christian Heaven - stuff monsters like her don’t have. And, well - I think in time Andersen’s tales came to be seen as some universal thing, when in reality they were very personal nightmares of Andersen himself - a tortured, unhappy, repressed bisexual man who’d been abused in his childhood and presumably tried to get past his own inability to have a fulfilling emotional and sexual life by writing overly grotesque and decidely anti-women stories.

(We all know about The Little Mermaid, but another highlight would be Red Shoes, in which a selfish girl who has the nerve to go to Mass wearing red shoes finds they are enchanted and can’t stop dancing until her feet are chopped off with an axe; charmingly, the heroine is named after Andersen’s half-sister.)

If we consider this precedent, I think what @thejabberwock said is spot-on: for Cas, becoming human includes some element of self-mutilation: just like the little mermaid had to give up her voice and her family, Cas would lose something irreplaceable by choosing to leave Heaven behind. And also - narratively, that choice would frame him as ‘the woman in the relationship’ once and for all, because male heroes just don’t do this stuff; and that, in my opinion, would be a huge loss. What I find so fascinating about Dean and Cas slowly falling for each other is the careful balance of traditional gender roles and how neither character is boxed in; how Dean, our muscle car and hard rock hero, is often pushed into what would be the woman’s role - only he’s not pushed at all, but walks there willingy, and that’s plain spectacular.

That said, the SPN universe chose to frame the opposition between humans and non humans has been framed in a slightly different way from traditional storytelling - even if the narrative isn’t always coherent.

So, if we’re talking specifically about angels, the original idea is that angels 1) don’t have free will and 2) can’t have feelings like a human does - a point that is clearly implied in the first one, because true free will and the ability of make your own choices are the fundamental prerequisites for forming your own opinions - and feelings. Now, in theory, it makes sense that angels wouldn’t have either; despite the daydreams of some truly adorable fanart (Gabriel holding baby Cas, for instance), angels aren’t born; they’re created in order to serve God, and that’s their only mission. Heaven started to unravel only because God left, and this is where we see the SPN narrative starting to fray - because their angels generally have both free will and feelings. From Zachariah’s refusal to serve humans to Uriel betraying his brothers to Gabriel’s anger and Balthazar’s insouciance, there’s not a robotic servant of God in sight, and I know it’s objectively difficult to write feeling-less character who are also engaging, but I always found that all those angels wishing things for themselves sort of cheapened Cas’ own journey towards humanity. Because, well, Cas becoming human only makes sense, in my opinion (and this is how the story’s being framed), in an I want to make my own choices and experience love kind of way, but in this case - from what we’ve seen, both with other angels and with Cas himself, it’s perfectly possible for angels to behave and feel like humans do, so why would Cas need to give up his Grace?

Another point is that Cas’ already given up his ‘angelhood’ in every way that matters. He’s rebelled against Heaven, he’s refused orders, he’s been tortured and silenced and imprisoned, and he’s chosen humanity (Dean) over and over and over again. Hell - as far we know, Cas isn’t even interested in God any longer, and surely heeding God’s will is, like, item one in the job description?

(By the way - Cas’ reaction to God’s coming back - that was important, show. What the hell were you thinking about? How is it possible that the subject was never discussed again? Uuuuugh.)

Furthermore, Cas hates being human. He’s tried it before, and we know he didn’t like it - at all. The storm of emotions, the need to look after your body, eating and drinking, the acute knowledge of not being powerful enough to defend yourself and your loved ones against dangers you know are there - Cas does not long to become human; what he wants is to belong, and what he needs, narratively, is the possibility to make a choice that’s not either/or - to be with the Winchesters not because Heaven hates him and not because he’s got no other friends, but because he feels loved and welcomed and wants to live with them 24/7 (feels he’s worthy of their love) - so, if anything, that’s where his character arc should be going.

As a last point - something that will never happen but would be absolutely hilarious is the David Eddings solution: in his novels, an immortal sorceress chose to renounce her powers and her eternal life to be with the (fully human) man she loved, only to find out her soul couldn’t be ripped apart like that and instead, the gods had chosen to grant her beloved immortality and powers of his own. I always found that a very sweet twist and a good compromise on the whole mortal partner + immortal partner = heartbreak thing, and man, it’d be so much fun to see Dean turn into an angel out of the blue and zapping himself all over the place by mistake as he learns to fly (and later using that ability to freak out Sam and check on Claire and have dinner with Jody). A girl can dream, right?

(All that said, I understand why so many writers, myself included, keep making Cas human in one way or another: for some it’s a question of fluff and hurt/comfort, and for others a chance to explore this tragedy, this impossible, unconceivable thing: an angel choosing to Fall for a human being - an angel choosing to love, fully and unreservedly, the mess and chaos and guilt and bad dreams that we all carry deep in our hearts. Just - wow.)

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fatesinthenight · 7 years

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The Egos and a Baby (part 8)

“You found her a home?” Kathryn asked surprised. “Yes. I was searching all night.” Dark drinks his coffee and lets out a yawn. “Wow that was really thoughtful of you. And it’s you.” Mark saids. “I did it for me. I rather not have a small baby living here and dealing with it.” Dark sighs. “Question though. How did you find a family for her? Did she have one before she was left at the house?” Amy asks. “Hope did not have a home to go back to. She lost her mother at birth and the father had left before she was born. She was in a bad foster home and was taken in by a selfish woman trying to salvage a failed relationship. She was completely alone.” Dark runs his head and looks at the baby. She was sitting on the floor and Ethan and Tyler were playing peek a boo with her. Willford joins them and makes a goofy face every time he appears behind his hands. “Poor sweetheart…” Amy’s heart goes out to Lil Bub. “So her name is Hope? How did you find that out?” Kathryn asks. “It is on the tag of her toy. The mother bought it for her before she was born it seems.” Dark takes another swing and his coffee. “I looked into her mind last night to see if she can be given to anyone and doesn’t seem to have any other family. So I looked up families and did a search on them and found one. Hope what an ironic name.” “When do we give her to her new parents?” Mark asks. “They should be arriving in two hours. So I suggest everyone saids their goodbyes now.” Dark sits up and walks away. “Hey Dark. Thank you. You did a good thing.” Mark calls to Dark. “I didn’t do it for you.” Dark calls back and goes to his room. Mark goes into the main room and tells everyone what Dark did. He tells them that Hope’s new parents are coming soon. “How come Dark can give up a baby and it’s fine but when I do it it’s a big problem?” Ed makes a face. “Did he really do that?” Bim looks up at Mark from his spot on the floor beside Hope. “Yes he did. So I’m sorry guys but Hope has to go be with her new family.” Mark saids softly. “Wait how do we know this is real? What if this is all a lie and just another one of Darks tricks.” Willford saids. “It is not. I just looked at what Dark had searched on his computer. He looked up adopting agencies and looked through the profiles and found this couple in Long Beach. Their profile seems in check.” Googles eyes glow and he does the search in his head. “Then Dark did something good.” Silver tilts his head. “It appears so.” The Host said. “So this really means that she is leaving…” Bim looks at Hope who is crawling on Tyler as he lays down. “It is for the best remember.” The doctor pats Bim’s head. “We can always just say she likes us better. Me being the best dad.” Willford saids hopefully. “Willford knows that this couple wants Hope just as much as you do maybe even more. They must have been waiting for so long to have a child and now they will be graced with Hope.” The Host saids softly. A hint of sadness in his voice. “I know I know… It’s just I love Lil Bub.” Willford looks down. “We all do Will but her new parents are coming and we need to send her off. So let’s get dressed and send her off with a big smile ok.” Amy holds Willford’s hand looking up at him. “Ok lets do it!! There will be no tears today!! I’m looking at you Bim. Now let’s get this show on the road!” Willford saids in his showman voice. After 2 hours a car pulls infront of the house. A couple gets out and walks to the front of the door an knocks. “Hello you must be the Martins. I’m Mark.” Mark answers the door and lets in the couple into the house. “My girlfriend is getting Hope’s things ready. Can I get you anything?” “O no thank you. Wow you have a big house here.” The wife looks around as they walk into the main room. “O well it’s actually not my house.” Mark saids. “O right it’s your brothers house isn’t it? He said he lives here with all of his family right. That must be interesting.” The husband smiles as they all sit down at the couch. “Um yea it is. It got really crowded so I moved out but I had to stay the night on the count of the storm that hit.” Dark had made up the story that all the egos were relatives so if they questioned why they all looked alike there would be an explanation. But making the egos seem like his brothers, Mark sighed. “Are your brothers here? We wanted to thank them for finding Hope.” The wife asks Mark. “O yea my brothers are around they should be here.” Mark Hope’s they would act normal for once in front of this couple. “O why hello there! My name is Willford.” Willford walks into the room. He made his pink mustache look black for the couple. He shakes hands with the couple. “It’s nice to meet you Willford. You brother here was just telling us you will be here.” The wife smiles. “Of course. I’m going to miss Lil Bub. She is quite the character.” Willford laughs. “Lil Bub?” The husband asks. “It’s a nickname he gave her.” Mark saids. “Awwww it sounds cute.” The wife giggles. “See they like it.” Will whispers to Mark. “Hey there. The names Ed.” Ed walks in and leans in a chair. “Yes sir the little lady is a cutie pie.” “O hi there! I’m Bim it’s nice to meet you two.” Bim shakes the couples hands and sits beside Willford. “Good morning. I am Dr.iplier. I gave Hope an examination and these are her medical records as of now. I hope this will be of use for the future.” The docto hands the papers to the husband. “Wow this is great thank you. We didn’t know if she had an exam yet. Thank goodness your a doctor.” The husband saids looking up at the doctor. “Ummm hello. I’m Silver…” Silver walks out. The egos and Mark stare at him because he took off his costume. It was like they forgot he looks like Mark as they looked at him with eyes wide open. “Silver? That’s an interesting name.” The wife saids. “Yea our parents couldn’t think of anymore names hahaha…” Silver saids nervous. He feels naked without his costume but he was doing it for Hope and treated it like it was a mission. “Why hello it is very nice to meet you. I am Google.” Google steps in. He did his best to seem less like a droid trying not to glitch. “Google? The website?” The wife tilts her head. “The very same. It is a nickname if you will.” Google saids. “Hu cool.” The husband chuckles. “And I am Host.” The Host walks in with his cane. The doctor used patches on his eyes for the time being replace for the bandages. They were then covered by a pair of black glasses big enough to to cover the patches. “O do you need help?” The wife stand up and walks to Host. “That is very kind of you. But I will be fine standing here.” The Host smiles. “Alright.” The wife pats Hosts hands on his cane and sits beside her husband. “I hope my brothers have not bothered you. They can be very unusual.” Dark walks in. He was able to make himself look human and not flicker red and blue. “O no your brothers are great. I find their names very cool. You must be Dark.” The husband stand up and shakes Darks hand. “Yes I’m Dark. I’m glad you had a save journey here. I have all the paperwork here. It is done with I handled it myself.” Dark gives the husband a folder. “Thank you so much Dark. This means so much to us.” The husband smiles wide. “My wife and I have been trying to have children but found out we can’t. We have been wanting to adopt for years but nothing happened. I can’t thank you enough…” The wife walks to Dark and hugs him with tears in her eyes. “Thank you so much… It’s everything..” “Your welcome Mrs. Martin. I wanted Hope to go to a good family. She deserves it.” Dark smiles and pats the wife’s back. Amy walks in holding Hope in her arms and Kathryn has the baby bag in hers. The couple sees Hope and they tear up at the sight of her. “Mr. And Mrs. Martian this is Hope.” Amy smiles and bounces Hope. “She is perfect.. Awwww she is so beautiful.” The wife cries. “Here you can hold her.” Amy gives Hope to her new mother. Hope looks up mat the wife curiously. She tilts her head and then smiles. She giggles and lifts her arms up at her. “I love you already.” The wife holds Hope close. The husband comes beside her and holds Hopes head and cries too. Ethan sniffles with Bim and Silver passes them the tissue box he was holding in case of emergency. They all go outside and put Hope’s bag in the trunk and the couple smiles brightly. “I can’t thank you enough for this…” The husband saids and he looks at this wife bouncing Hope happily. “We are just glad she is going to a good home with you.” Bim saids snuffling. “We should be heading home now. Thank you all so much for everything.” The husband saids. “Umm wait my brothers were the ones That were taking care of Hope. You should thank them more. Without them Hope wouldn’t have been able to find you two.” Mark saids looking back at the egos. “We have gifts for Hope if you don’t mind.” Bim saids. “Of course not. That’s so sweet of you all.” The wife saids. Ed goes first. “Well little lady I got you this hat. It suits you well. I also got you a pair of little cowgirl boots. I’m going to to miss ya. Take care now.” Ed sniffles and give Hope a kiss on the head. Silver goes next. “ Hope I know your going to be a good girl so I want you to have this… It’s my Silver action figure and the onesie I got you is in your bag cape included. So you know you can save the world one day. Bye little sidekick.” Silver kisses Hope. Google comes up. “Now Hope I found that babies enjoy those toys that light up so I got you a robot that teaches you the alphabet. May this serve as a learning device for you. May you stay well in the future.” Google kisses Hope and when he backs away he sniffles just a little. The doctor comes in. “Well now since I was your first doctor I will give you this teddy bear doctor in hopes maybe you will want to become one too. I think you have great potential to help others. Stay healthy.” The doctor give his kiss. The Host comes makes his way to Hope. “I want you to have this. This is a book or fairytale so found in my room. I think they will suit you more. May you always have sweet dreams sweet Hope.” The wife brings up Hope to meet Hosts lips to kiss her head. Willford zooms in. “Now I know I speak for everyone when I say I was the fun dad here. So to keep the it going i got you… A top hat and white and red stripped coat!! Just like me!!! To me you will always be my Lil Bub. Good day to you my darling.” Willford kisses Hope repeatedly and she giggles. Bim walks up sadly but happy. “Ok Hope this is your family now. I know we took care of you for a day but I’m going to miss you so much. I’m so happy I found you… And that you came into our lives even for just a moment. We were a family. And I will never forget you… I love you Hope.” Bim tears up and cries a little. He wipes his tears and takes a breath. “So I got you this daisy. It’s so bright and open. It puts a smile on anyone’s face just like you. Be good for me ok?” Bim kisses Hope and she wipes a tear from his face. Just when the couple was about to leave Dark come up. “Wait. I believe you almost forgot something my lady.” He holds out the plush dog. He hands it to the wife and Hope whimpers and holds her arms out for Dark. “She wants you. Want to hold her for a moment before we go?” The wife holds out Hope. Dark hesitantly takes her in his arms. “You are the most interesting one I have ever met. I am very taken by you. I wonder how you will grow. Did this encounter impact you? Will it influence you? Who is to say.. Usually I want to meet someone again if it means I get a deal but for you only if we meet again I hope is for good intentions. I gave you your gift already. Gave you a family. Farewell my dear Hope” Dark kisses Hope’s cheek. Hope cuddles one last time to his chest and whispers “Dadda” “For this moment I will be.” Dark give Hope back to her new mom. They strap her in her baby seat and take off. The Egos wave at the car as it disappears from sight and smile. Mark looks at them and smiles. When Dark walks past him he snickers. “Who knew you were a softy Darkipoo. It’s nice to know.” “Only for that one.” Dark huffs and he leaves into the house. “Well now we have an empty nest… Let’s get another one!!!” Willford saids happily. “Dear god no… Let’s not mess up any other children” Tyler saids. “But we know what to do now!!!” Willford pouts. “Fine then let me look after Chica to help my broken heart. O Chica I got a dog Willford Warfstache outfit with your name on it!!” Chica’s tail wags happily as Willford scoops her in his arms and runs off with her in the house. “Don’t you dare take my dog!!!” Mark storms in after Will. “Well things are normal now.” Ethan saids. “Hey let’s sleep over again!!” “Yea it was fun!” Bim saids and he and Ehtan walk in to house making plans. “Maybe this time we can play more games.” Silver runs into the house and tugs on his mask. “Well then I’m going to grab some grub I’m starving.” Ed walks in the house next. “Me too I’m starving. Hey Google can we stream some Netflix.” Tyler said as he steps into the house. “I can access that.” Goggle goes in with Tyler. “Host want to help me cook? Lols like we have a full house again.” The doctor sighs. “Ooo please!! I love your cooking.” Amy saids happily. “I call first dibs!!” Kathryn races Amy to the house. The Host makes his way in the house and looks out once more. “Yes one big happy family.” The End *hope you enjoyed this story. I will be posting my original story for now but i will be back with another ego story soon. Also I realized I was spelling Kathryn’s name wrong.. Sorry T-T thank you for reading :)

#willford warfstache #dr.iplier #darkiplier #bim trimmer #ed edgar #googleplier #silver shepherd #the host #markiplier #amy nelson #Kathryn #Ethan #crankgameplays #Tyler #the egos and a baby #fanfic #story

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lids-flutter-open · 7 years

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more character development for an evil teacher from my book under the cut, sorry if ur on mobile

Okay tv show

Open on JULES VERNON HOLMES, at home in his kitchen. JULES is 36, with thinning brown curly hair. He has a pinched look to his face, because he recently lost eighteen pounds in three months. He wears glasses when he teaches high school history, but he is not wearing them now. The kitchen is cramped and made of a series of brown uniform prefab cabinets. There are no dishes in the sink and the counters are clean except for a piece of buttered toast without a napkin that sits next to the sink with one bite taken out of it. A long garland of garlic and onions hangs over the window like a party decoration. It is dark outside, and rain spatters the glass. JULES is standing on one leg in his kitchen, bracing his hip against the edge of the formica counter while he scratches at his calf with his bare right foot. He is wearing underwear and a T-shirt emblazoned with the name of a diner. He is struggling to open a pickle jar.

The phone rings from the next room. JULES starts, and his hand slips on the lid. He looks over at the oven. The clock on the oven displays the time as 12:18. JULES glances in the direction of the next room and scowls. He runs his tongue over his top teeth inside his lip, and does not move towards the ringing phone. JULES puts new effort into opening the jar of pickles. Across the room, there is a framed group photograph of college-age men standing with oars on the bank of a river. It includes JULES sixteen years before, when he was a member of his university’s rowing team. He is smiling; his arms are larger in the photo than they are in real life.

JULES opens the pickle jar with a pop. The phone is still ringing. There is only one pickle and a number of garlic cloves left at the bottom of the jar. He digs into the jar with his fingers, stretching his hand, and puts a garlic clove into his mouth.

EXERCISE 2

Jules was caught again by the display of different kinds of canned soup. He stood with his shopping basket on the linoleum tiles and held two cans of tomato soup in front of his face, studying the ingredients. One had cream and one had milk. There was another can of tomato soup on the shelf before him that had lentils in it, too. When he was younger there had only been one kind of canned tomato soup in every grocery store, or two. There were eighteen different things in front of him, all with different caloric and fat content. Jules was paralyzed. He put the soup with cream back on the shelf, and then picked it up again. It had higher fat content. Jules measured his blood pressure every morning before he ate breakfast. He threw the can into the cart, thinking that it would be better to eat real food than to find some watery diet version and be dissatisfied and end up binging on chips and peanut butter in the middle of the night. He would get the low sugar juice to compensate.

A man approached Jules in the aisle. He was older, and wore a gray sweatshirt and gym shorts. His shoes were dirty sneakers.

“Excuse me,” he said to Jules. “Sir I don’t mean to bother you, but I’ve got no way else to do this, my daughter has a baby at home and we’re here to buy formula but it’s 37 dollars and they don’t let me put that on my credit card and I’m out of my EBT for the month.”

Jules, whose mind had been in an alternate dimension of calories and aspartame and ideal blood pressure, jumped when he realized the man was speaking to him.

“I’m sorry?”

“Sir, it’s like a thing at this store, they don’t let you buy the formula with credit cards because some people just charge it on a stolen card, and I don’t have enough cash, and my EBT is all out for the month. But we have a baby at home and we need the formula, we’re all out. It’s my daughter. I wouldn’t ask for anything normally, I’m not that kind of man. Sir, I’m a military veteran, I served in Vietnam.”

“Uh,” Jules said. He was not sure whether to look at the man’s eyes or not. “I don’t know what you’re asking me. I don’t have a lot of cash on me. I can give you a couple dollars.” He remembered he had only a fifty and a ten in his wallet, and tried to change tacks. “I think there’s an ATM outside the store to get money from a bank account.”

“I don’t get paid till Friday,” the man said. “I don’t have money in my account.”

“Oh,” Jules said. “Well, that’s—I’m sorry. And your daughter doesn’t have cash either?”

“She’s at home with the baby,” the man said. “I didn’t want to ask her to come. Her husband left her and she’s saving as much as she can. Please, I just have to buy some infant formula for her.”

Jules glanced desperately back at the soup, and then accidentally made eye contact with the man. He hated the way it made him feel to think of moving away down the empty aisle. He looked in his wallet and dug in it. His fingers hesitated on the ten and then took the fifty and thrust it at the man. “Good luck, sir,” he found himself saying. He couldn’t look into the man’s eyes. Jules already felt the sweat dripping down his back and a pillow of guilt emerging in his solar plexus, simultaneously related to giving the man too much money and at the same time to not being able to look in his eyes.

“Thank you, sir, god bless you,” the man said. “I’m Boris. My name’s Boris. You’re a good man, you know that? Thank you, this means a lot. I won’t forget it.”

“It’s no,” Jules said, and stopped, because it really was a problem. “I’m Jules. I hope you’re okay and the baby’s okay.”

“We’re all getting by,” the man said.

Night came. Jules’ cupboards were lined with the cans of tomato soup. He took an Ambien to sleep and then wandered around the house, looking out the windows.

Jules is holding the receiver of the phone up to his ear.

“How have you been, then?” Jules says into the phone. He is still wearing the collared shirt and tie he wore to work. The papers he is grading are spread out on the table in front of him. He wants to make the kids excited about the grimy parts of history and he wants to make them understand the reasons their state developed the way it did.

“Well, after the crash I’ve been just eating like frozen dinners,” Michelle says on the other end. “My arm is in the sling and all.”

“Crash?” Jules tries to remember anything about a crash from the last time he and Michelle talked two weeks ago.

“Mom said she called you. She didn’t?”

“No,” Jules says. “Well, maybe if I was at work, but she didn’t call back.”

“You don’t ever check your messages. I got in a motorcycle accident, isn’t that funny? Okay, it doesn’t sound funny, but here’s the context: I ran into an ice cream truck that didn’t signal and I literally flew over the top of the truck into the street and there were like four kids staring with their mouths open and one dropped his ice cream. I love like the mental image of everyone’s faces, it’s gonna bring me joy till the day I die.”

“Michelle! Jesus!”

“My boss let me have the time off, it’s one of the good things about working as a nanny for a nice family, there’s no regular hassle about taking sick leave cuz she knows me. She’s even giving me a week’s pay, which like, must be nice to be rich, right? She’s so sweet though, and the baby’s so sweet.”

“I warned you about that motorcycle,” Jules says. “Didn’t you already crash on a motorcycle a year ago?”

“That time was worse. I got thrown into a tree! I mean, I was on more a path than a road. It was dumb. This time it wasn’t my fault, the ice cream company is even gonna give me compensation maybe if I can figure out a lawyer.”

“You could seriously die, Michelle. Just get a car.”

“I mean, I may have to. For now I’m using Mom’s.”

“How is she getting around? Are you driving with, what, a broken arm? Why does nobody ever catch me up on this shit?”

“Because you’re like this,” Michelle says. “And you don’t call, either. If you called Mom once a week you’d know what’s going on with everyone.”

“You know how I feel about Mom,” Jules says. “I know you’ve sort of mended your relationship with her, but I still can’t forgive her. Especially after how she treated you and Ed when we were kids.”

“Whatever, Jules,” Michelle says. Jules can see her rolling her eyes. “She’s here now and who knows for how long we’ll have her, you know? She’s a good person. I know she and you fought last month again, but just let it slide. She is how she is, and anyway she’s a lot better now. She just has her weird manias sometimes. She didn’t mean it about the nose job. She’s working at a paper here, you know. Or a gazette I guess. It’s about seafood restaurants. She’s working and getting up every day and she’s a decent, pleasant person. You can’t hold a grudge forever. She has all kinds of fun friends now too from her weird weed group. They’re really fun, there’s this gay truck driver who drops in whenever he’s in the city and has a ton of stories.”

“This is crazy. I’m not going to talk to her. You said last year—do you remember what you said? Do you remember Mima’s funeral?”

“So she got a little drunk. You can’t expect her to be well behaved at her ex husband’s mother’s funeral.”

“So why did she even go?”

“She just likes to have some fun. Like me. She’s just a little more messed up. Think about it this way, Jules, at least she left Scientology. Imagine if she’d stayed in it and we’d been raised like that. She’s gonna deal with this stuff the rest of her life but she’s like, in general a functional person. And she paints. It’s nice to have a mom who paints.”

“She paints aliens.”

“How are your students? Are you teaching them about how to be good little mini George Bushies?”

“Michelle, so, I’m going to get off the phone now. I have papers to grade and I’m not having this conversation. I will say that I love you and I am asking you to please get a car, or take the bus, or something. I’m going to have nightmares about you on that motorcycle.”

“I could get a little quad. You know, four wheels.”

“Are you able to shop for yourself? Do you need anything?”

“Jules, we’re really all right here.” Michelle takes a thin breath and Jules hears her exhale and imagines her smoking a cigarette on the balcony of his mother’s apartment in Seattle.

#long post #long text #out of salem #text

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nowontheroad · 7 years

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On the Road a novel by Jack Kerouac

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

On the Road is a novel by American writer Jack Kerouac, based on the travels of Kerouac and his friends across the United States. It is considered a defining work of the postwar Beat and Counterculture generations, with its protagonists living life against a backdrop of jazz, poetry, and drug use. The novel, published in 1957, is a roman à clef, with many key figures in the Beat movement, such as William S. Burroughs (Old Bull Lee), Allen Ginsberg (Carlo Marx) and Neal Cassady (Dean Moriarty) represented by characters in the book, including Kerouac himself as the narrator Sal Paradise.

The idea for On the Road, Kerouac's second novel, was formed during the late 1940s in a series of notebooks, and then typed out on a continuous reel of paper during three weeks in April 1951. It was first published by Viking Press in 1957. After several film proposals dating from 1957, the book was finally made into a film, On the Road(2012), produced by Francis Ford Coppola and directed by Walter Salles.

When the book was originally released, The New York Times hailed it as "the most beautifully executed, the clearest and the most important utterance yet made by the generation Kerouac himself named years ago as 'beat,' and whose principal avatar he is."[1] In 1998, the Modern Library ranked On the Road 55th on its list of the 100 best English-language novels of the 20th century. The novel was chosen by Time magazine as one of the 100 best English-language novels from 1923 to 2005.[2]

Contents

1Production and publication

2Plot

3Reception

4Influence

5Film adaptation

6Beat Generation

7See also

8References

9Further reading

10External links

2.1Part One

2.2Part Two

2.3Part Three

2.4Part Four

2.5Part Five

2.6Characters

3.1Initial reaction

3.2Critical study

Production and publication

After Kerouac dropped out of Columbia University, he served on several different sailing vessels before returning to New York to write. He met and mixed with Beat Generation figures Allen Ginsberg, William Burroughs, and Neal Cassady. Between 1947 and 1950, while writing what would become The Town and the City (1950), Kerouac engaged in the road adventures that would form On the Road.[3] Kerouac carried small notebooks, in which much of the text was written as the eventful span of road trips unfurled. He started working on the first of several versions of the novel as early as 1948, based on experiences during his first long road trip in 1947. However, he remained dissatisfied with the novel.[4] Inspired by a 1000-word rambling letter from his friend Neal Cassady, Kerouac in 1950 outlined the "Essentials of Spontaneous Prose" and decided to tell the story of his years on the road with Cassady as if writing a letter to a friend in a form that reflected the improvisational fluidity of jazz.[5] In a letter to a student in 1961, Kerouac wrote: "Dean and I were embarked on a journey through post-Whitman America to find that America and to find the inherent goodness in American man. It was really a story about 2 Catholic buddies roaming the country in search of God. And we found him."[6]

The first draft of what was to become the published novel was written in three weeks in April 1951, while Kerouac lived with Joan Haverty, his second wife, at 454 West 20th Street in New York City's Manhattan. The manuscript was typed on what he called "the scroll"—a continuous, 120-foot scroll of tracing paper sheets that he cut to size and taped together.[7] The roll was typed single-spaced, without margins or paragraph breaks. In the following years, Kerouac continued to revise this manuscript, deleting some sections (including some sexual depictions deemed pornographic in the 1950s) and adding smaller literary passages.[8] Kerouac wrote a number of inserts intended for On the Road between 1951 and 1952, before eventually omitting them from the manuscript and using them to form the basis of another work, Visions of Cody (1951–1952).[9] On the Road was championed within Viking Press by Malcolm Cowley and was published by Viking in 1957, based on revisions of the 1951 manuscript.[10] Besides differences in formatting, the published novel was shorter than the original scroll manuscript and used pseudonyms for all of the major characters.

Viking Press released a slightly edited version of the original manuscript titled On the Road: The Original Scroll (August 16, 2007), corresponding with the 50th anniversary of original publication. This version has been transcribed and edited by English academic and novelist Dr. Howard Cunnell. As well as containing material that was excised from the original draft due to its explicit nature, the scroll version also uses the real names of the protagonists, so Dean Moriarty becomes Neal Cassady and Carlo Marx becomes Allen Ginsberg, etc.[11]

In 2007, Gabriel Anctil, a journalist of Montreal daily Le Devoir, discovered in Kerouac's personal archives in New York almost 200 pages of his writings entirely in Quebec French, with colloquialisms. The collection included 10 manuscript pages of an unfinished version of On the Road, written on January 19, 1951. The date of the writings makes Kerouac one of the earliest known authors to use colloquial Quebec French in literature.[12]

The original scroll of On The Road was bought in 2001 by Jim Irsay for $2.43 million (equivalent to $3.29 million in 2016). It has occasionally been made available for public viewing, with the first 30 feet (9 m) unrolled. Between 2004 and 2012, the scroll was displayed in a number of museums and libraries in the United States, Ireland, and the UK. It was exhibited in Paris in the summer of 2012 to celebrate the movie based on the book.[13]

Plot

The two main characters of the book are the narrator, Sal Paradise, and his friend Dean Moriarty, much admired for his carefree attitude and sense of adventure, a free-spirited maverick eager to explore all kicks and an inspiration and catalyst for Sal's travels. The novel contains five parts, three of them describing road trips with Moriarty. The narrative takes place in the years 1947 to 1950, is full of Americana, and marks a specific era in jazz history, "somewhere between its Charlie Parker Ornithology period and another period that began with Miles Davis." The novel is largely autobiographical, Sal being the alter ego of the author and Dean standing for Neal Cassady.

Part One

The first section describes Sal's first trip to San Francisco. Disheartened after a divorce, his life changes when he meets Dean Moriarty, who is "tremendously excited with life," and begins to long for the freedom of the road: "Somewhere along the line I knew there would be girls, visions, everything; somewhere along the line the pearl would be handed to me." He sets off in July 1947 with fifty dollars in his pocket. After taking several buses and hitchhiking, he arrives in Denver, where he hooks up with Carlo Marx, Dean, and their friends. There are parties—among them an excursion to the ghost town of Central City. Eventually Sal leaves by bus and gets to San Francisco, where he meets Remi Boncoeur and his girlfriend Lee Ann. Remi arranges for Sal to take a job as a night watchman at a boarding camp for merchant sailors waiting for their ship. Not holding this job for long, Sal hits the road again. "Oh, where is the girl I love?" he wonders. Soon he meets Terry, the "cutest little Mexican girl," on the bus to Los Angeles. They stay together, traveling back to Bakersfield, then to Sabinal, "her hometown," where her family works in the fields. He meets Terry's brother Ricky, who teaches him the true meaning of "mañana" ("tomorrow"). Working in the cotton fields, Sal realizes that he is not made for this type of work. Leaving Terry behind, he takes the bus back to Times Square New York, bums a quarter off a preacher who looks the other way, arrives at his Aunt's house in Paterson, just missing Dean, who had come to see him, by two days.

Part Two

In December 1948 Sal is celebrating Christmas with his relatives in Testament, Virginia, when Dean shows up with Marylou (having left his second wife, Camille, and their newborn baby, Amy, in San Francisco) and Ed Dunkel. Sal's Christmas plans are shattered as "now the bug was on me again, and the bug's name was Dean Moriarty." First they drive to New York, where they meet Carlo and party. Dean wants Sal to make love to Marylou, but Sal declines. In Dean's Hudson they take off from New York in January 1949 and make it to New Orleans. In Algiers they stay with the morphine-addicted Old Bull Lee and his wife Jane. Galatea Dunkel joins her husband in New Orleans while Sal, Dean, and Marylou continue their trip. Once in San Francisco, Dean again leaves Marylou to be with Camille. "Dean will leave you out in the cold anytime it is in the interest of him," Marylou tells Sal. Both of them stay briefly in a hotel, but soon she moves out, following a nightclub owner. Sal is alone and on Market Street has visions of past lives, birth, and rebirth. Dean finds him and invites him to stay with his family. Together, they visit nightclubs and listen to Slim Gaillard and other jazz musicians. The stay ends on a sour note: "what I accomplished by coming to Frisco I don't know," and Sal departs, taking the bus back to New York.

Part Three

In the spring of 1949, Sal takes a bus from New York to Denver. He is depressed and lonesome; none of his friends are around. After receiving some money, he leaves Denver for San Francisco to see Dean. Camille is pregnant and unhappy, and Dean has injured his thumb trying to hit Marylou for sleeping with other men. Camille throws them out, and Sal invites Dean to come to New York, planning to travel further to Italy. They meet Galatea, who tells Dean off: "You have absolutely no regard for anybody but yourself and your kicks." Sal realizes she is right—Dean is the "HOLY GOOF"—but also defends him, as "he's got the secret that we're all busting to find out." After a night of jazz and drinking in Little Harlem on Folsom Street, they depart. On the way to Sacramento they meet a "fag", who propositions them. Dean tries to hustle some money out of this but is turned down. During this part of the trip Sal and Dean have ecstatic discussions having found "IT" and "TIME". In Denver a brief argument shows the growing rift between the two, when Dean reminds Sal of his age, Sal being the older of the two. They get a '47 Cadillac from a travel bureau that needs to be brought to Chicago. Dean drives most of the way, crazy, careless, often speeding over 100 miles per hour (160 km/h), bringing it in a disheveled state. By bus they move on to Detroit and spend a night on Skid Row, Dean hoping to find his homeless father. From Detroit they share a ride to New York and arrive at Sal's aunt's new flat in Long Island. They go on partying in New York, where Dean meets Inez and gets her pregnant while his wife is expecting their second child.

Part Four

In the spring of 1950, Sal gets the itch to travel again while Dean is working as a parking lot attendant in Manhattan, living with his girlfriend Inez. Sal notices that he has been reduced to simple pleasures—listening to basketball games and looking at erotic playing cards. By bus Sal takes to the road again, passing Washington, D.C., Ashland, Cincinnati, and St. Louis, and eventually reaching Denver. There he meets Stan Shephard, and the two plan to go to Mexico City when they learn that Dean has bought a car and is on the way to join them. In a rickety '37 Ford sedan the three set off across Texas to Laredo, where they cross the border. They are ecstatic, having left "everything behind us and entering a new and unknown phase of things." Their money buys more (10 cents for a beer), police are laid back, cannabis is readily available, and people are curious and friendly. The landscape is magnificent. In Gregoria, they meet Victor, a local kid, who leads them to a bordello where they have their last grand party, dancing to mambo, drinking, and having fun with prostitutes. In Mexico City Sal becomes ill from dysentery and is "delirious and unconscious." Dean leaves him, and Sal later reflects that "when I got better I realized what a rat he was, but then I had to understand the impossible complexity of his life, how he had to leave me there, sick, to get on with his wives and woes."

Part Five

Dean, having obtained divorce papers in Mexico, had first returned to New York to marry Inez, only to leave her and go back to Camille. After his recovery from dysentery in Mexico, Sal returns to New York in the fall. He finds a girl, Laura, and plans to move with her to San Francisco. Sal writes to Dean about his plan to move to San Francisco. Dean writes back saying that he's willing to come and accompany Laura and Sal. Dean arrives over five weeks early, but Sal is out taking a late-night walk alone. Sal returns home, sees a copy of Proust, and knows it is Dean's. Sal realizes his friend has arrived, but at a time when Sal doesn't have the money to relocate to San Francisco. On hearing this Dean makes the decision to head back to Camille. Sal's friend Remi Boncoeur denies Sal's request to give Dean a short lift to 40th Street on their way to a Duke Ellington concert at the Metropolitan Opera House. Sal's girlfriend Laura realises this is a painful moment for Sal and prompts him for a response as the party drives off without Dean. Sal replies: "He'll be alright". Sal later reflects as he sits on a river pier under a New Jersey night sky about the roads and lands of America that he has travelled and states: ". . . I think of Dean Moriarty, I even think of Old Dean Moriarty the father we never found, I think of Dean Moriarty."

Characters

Kerouac often based his fictional characters on friends and family.[14][15]

"Because of the objections of my early publishers I was not allowed to use the same personae names in each work."[16]

Reception

The book received a mixed reaction from the media in 1957. Some of the earlier reviews spoke highly of the book, but the backlash to these was swift and strong. Although this was discouraging to Kerouac, he still received great recognition and notoriety from the work. Since its publication, critical attention has focused on issues of both the context and the style, addressing the actions of the characters as well as the nature of Kerouac's prose.

Initial reaction

In his review for The New York Times, Gilbert Millstein wrote, "its publication is a historic occasion in so far as the exposure of an authentic work of art is of any great moment in an age in which the attention is fragmented and the sensibilities are blunted by the superlatives of fashion" and praised it as "a major novel."[1] Millstein was already sympathetic toward the Beat Generation and his promotion of the book in the Times did wonders for its recognition and acclaim. Not only did he like the themes, but also the style, which would come to be just as hotly contested in the reviews that followed. "There are sections of On the Roadin which the writing is of a beauty almost breathtaking...there is some writing on jazz that has never been equaled in American fiction, either for insight, style, or technical virtuosity."[1] Kerouac and Joyce Johnson, a younger writer he was living with, read the review shortly after midnight at a newsstand at 69th Street and Broadway, near Joyce's apartment in the Upper West Side. They took their copy of the newspaper to a neighborhood bar and read the review over and over. "Jack kept shaking his head," Joyce remembered later in her memoir Minor Characters, "as if he couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t happier than he was." Finally, they returned to her apartment to go to sleep. As Joyce recalled: "Jack lay down obscure for the last time in his life. The ringing phone woke him the next morning, and he was famous.”[17]

The backlash began just a few days later in the same publication. David Dempsey published a review that contradicted most of what Millstein had promoted in the book. "As a portrait of a disjointed segment of society acting out of its own neurotic necessity, On the Road, is a stunning achievement. But it is a road, as far as the characters are concerned, that leads to nowhere." While he did not discount the stylistic nature of the text (saying that it was written "with great relish"), he dismissed the content as a "passionate lark" rather than a novel."[18]

Other reviewers were also less than impressed. Phoebe Lou Adams in Atlantic Monthly wrote that it "disappoints because it constantly promises a revelation or a conclusion of real importance and general applicability, and cannot deliver any such conclusion because Dean is more convincing as an eccentric than as a representative of any segment of humanity."[19] While she liked the writing and found a good theme, her concern was repetition. "Everything Mr. Kerouac has to say about Dean has been told in the first third of the book, and what comes later is a series of variations on the same theme."[19]

The review from Time exhibited a similar sentiment. "The post-World War II generation—beat or beatific—has not found symbolic spokesmen with anywhere near the talents of Fitzgerald, Hemingway, or Nathanael West. In this novel, talented Author Kerouac, 35, does not join that literary league, either, but at least suggests that his generation is not silent. With his barbaric yawp of a book, Kerouac commands attention as a kind of literary James Dean."[20] It considers the book partly a travel book and partly a collection of journal jottings. While Kerouac sees his characters as "mad to live...desirous of everything at the same time," the reviewer likens them to cases of "psychosis that is a variety of Ganser Syndrome" who "aren't really mad—they only seem to be."[20]

Critical study

On the Road has been the object of critical study since its publication. David Brooks of The New York Times compiled several opinions and summarized them in an Op-Ed from October 2, 2007. Whereas Millstein saw it as a story in which the heroes took pleasure in everything, George Mouratidis, an editor of a new edition, claimed "above all else, the story is about loss." "It's a book about death and the search for something meaningful to hold on to—the famous search for 'IT,' a truth larger than the self, which, of course, is never found," wrote Meghan O'Rourke in Slate. "Kerouac was this deep, lonely, melancholy man," Hilary Holladay of the University of Massachusetts Lowell told The Philadelphia Inquirer. "And if you read the book closely, you see that sense of loss and sorrow swelling on every page." "In truth, 'On the Road' is a book of broken dreams and failed plans," wrote Ted Gioia in The Weekly Standard.[21]

John Leland, author of Why Kerouac Matters: The Lessons of On the Road (They're Not What You Think), says "We're no longer shocked by the sex and drugs. The slang is passé and at times corny. Some of the racial sentimentality is appalling" but adds "the tale of passionate friendship and the search for revelation are timeless. These are as elusive and precious in our time as in Sal's, and will be when our grandchildren celebrate the book's hundredth anniversary."[22]

To Brooks, this characterization seems limited. "Reading through the anniversary commemorations, you feel the gravitational pull of the great Boomer Narcissus. All cultural artifacts have to be interpreted through whatever experiences the Baby Boomer generation is going through at that moment. So a book formerly known for its youthful exuberance now becomes a gloomy middle-aged disillusion."[21] He laments how the book's spirit seems to have been tamed by the professionalism of America today and how it has only survived in parts. The more reckless and youthful parts of the text that gave it its energy are the parts that have "run afoul of the new gentility, the rules laid down by the health experts, childcare experts, guidance counselors, safety advisers, admissions officers, virtuecrats and employers to regulate the lives of the young."[21]He claims that the "ethos" of the book has been lost.

Mary Pannicia Carden feels that traveling was a way for the characters to assert their independence: they "attempt to replace the model of manhood dominant in capitalist America with a model rooted in foundational American ideals of conquest and self-discovery."[23] "Reassigning disempowering elements of patriarchy to female keeping, they attempt to substitute male brotherhood for the nuclear family and to replace the ladder of success with the freedom of the road as primary measures of male identity."[23]

Kerouac's writing style has attracted the attention of critics. On the Road has been considered by Tim Hunt to be a transitional phase between the traditional narrative structure of The Town and the City (1951) and the "wild form" of his later books like Visions of Cody (1972).[24] Kerouac's own explanation of his style in "Essentials of Spontaneous Prose" (1953) is that his writing is like the Impressionist painters who sought to create art through direct observation. Matt Theado feels he endeavoured to present a raw version of truth which did not lend itself to the traditional process of revision and rewriting but rather the emotionally charged practice of the spontaneity he pursued.[25] Theado argues that the personal nature of the text helps foster a direct link between Kerouac and the reader; that his casual diction and very relaxed syntax was an intentional attempt to depict events as they happened and to convey all of the energy and emotion of the experiences.[25]

Influence

On the Road has been an influence on various poets, writers, actors and musicians, including Bob Dylan, Van Morrison, Jim Morrison, and Hunter S. Thompson.

From journalist Sean O'Hagan, in a 2007 article published in The Guardian:

" 'It changed my life like it changed everyone else's,' Dylan would say many years later. Tom Waits, too, acknowledged its influence, hymning Jack and Neal in a song and calling the Beats "father figures." At least two great American photographers were influenced by Kerouac: Robert Frank, who became his close friend—Kerouac wrote the introduction to Frank's book, The Americans—and Stephen Shore, who set out on an American road trip in the 1970s with Kerouac's book as a guide. It would be hard to imagine Hunter S. Thompson's road novel Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas had On the Road not laid down the template; likewise, films such as Easy Rider, Paris, Texas, and even Thelma and Louise. "[26]

In his book Light My Fire: My Life with The Doors, Ray Manzarek (keyboard player of The Doors) wrote "I suppose if Jack Kerouac had never written On the Road, The Doors would never have existed."

On the Road influenced an entire generation of musicians, poets, and writers including Allen Ginsberg. Because of Ginsberg’s friendship with Kerouac, Ginsberg was written into the novel through the character Carlo Marx. Ginsberg recalled that he was attracted to the beat generation, and Kerouac, because the beats valued “detachment from the existing society,” while at the same time calling for an immediate release from a culture in which the most "freely" accessible items—bodies and ideas—seemed restricted (1). Ginsberg incorporated a sense of freedom of prose and style into his poetry as a result of the influence of Kerouac (1).[27]

Film adaptation

Main article:

On the Road (film)

A film adaptation of On the Road had been proposed in 1957 when Jack Kerouac wrote a one-page letter to actor Marlon Brando, suggesting that he play Dean Moriarty while Kerouac would portray Sal Paradise.[28]Brando never responded to the letter; later on Warner Bros. offered $110,000 for the rights to Kerouac's book, but his agent, Sterling Lord, declined it, hoping for a $150,000 deal from Paramount Pictures, which did not occur.[28]

The film rights were bought in 1980 by producer Francis Ford Coppola for $95,000.[29] Coppola tried out several screenwriters, including Michael Herr, Barry Gifford, and novelist Russell Banks, even writing a draft himself with his son Roman, before settling on José Rivera.[30][31] Several different plans were considered: Joel Schumacher as director, with Billy Crudup as Sal Paradise, and Colin Farrell as Dean Moriarty; then Ethan Hawke as Paradise and Brad Pitt as Moriarty; in 1995, he planned to shoot on black-and-white 16mm film and held auditions with poet Allen Ginsberg in attendance, but all those projects fell through.[31]

After seeing Walter Salles' The Motorcycle Diaries (2004), Coppola appointed Salles to direct the movie.[32] In preparation for the film, Salles traveled the United States, tracing Kerouac's journey and filming a documentary on the search for On the Road.[33] Sam Riley starred as Sal Paradise. Garrett Hedlund portrayed Dean Moriarty.[33] Kristen Stewart played Mary Lou.[34] Kirsten Dunst portrayed Camille.[35] The film screened at the Cannes Film Festival in 2012[36] and was nominated for the Palme d'Or.[37]

In 2007, BBC Four aired Russell Brand On the Road, a documentary presented by Russell Brand and Matt Morgan about Kerouac, focusing on On the Road. The documentary American Road, which explores the mystique of the road in US culture and contains an ample section on Kerouac, premiered at the AMFM Festival in California on 14 June 2013, when it won the award for Best Documentary.[38]

Beat Generation

Main article:

Beat Generation

While many critics still consider the word "beat" in its literal sense of "tired and beaten down," others, including Kerouac himself promoted the generation more in sense of "beatific" or blissful.[39] Holmes and Kerouac published several articles in popular magazines in an attempt to explain the movement. In the November 16, 1952 New York Times Sunday Magazine, he wrote a piece exposing the faces of the Beat Generation. "[O]ne day [Kerouac] said, 'You know, this is a really beat generation' ... More than mere weariness, it implies the feeling of having been used, of being raw. It involves a sort of nakedness of mind, and ultimately, of soul: a feeling of being reduced to the bedrock of consciousness. In short, it means being undramatically pushed up against the wall of oneself."[40] He distinguishes Beats from the Lost Generation of the 1920s pointing out how the Beats are not lost but how they are searching for answers to all of life's questions. Kerouac's preoccupation with writers like Ernest Hemingway shaped his view of the beat generation. He uses a prose style which he adapted from Hemingway and throughout On the Road he alludes to novels like The Sun Also Rises. "How to live seems much more crucial than why."[40] In many ways, it is a spiritual journey, a quest to find belief, belonging, and meaning in life. Not content with the uniformity promoted by government and consumer culture, the Beats yearned for a deeper, more sensational experience. Holmes expands his attempt to define the generation in a 1958 article in Esquire magazine. This article was able to take more of a look back at the formation of the movement as it was published after On the Road. "It describes the state of mind from which all unessentials have been stripped, leaving it receptive to everything around it, but impatient with trivial obstructions. To be beat is to be at the bottom of your personality, looking up."[41]

See also

Off the Road (1990 book by Carolyn Cassady)

Love Always, Carolyn

Jack Kerouac Reads On the Road

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thebiasedlens · 8 years

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My Top 15 Hindi Movies of 2016

It’s January 2017. Which means it’s Awards season. Which also means it's List-making season. And before I start watching movies from the 2017 movie calendar, here are MY Top 15 Hindi Movies of 2016:

15. Fan

At 15 is SRK’s flawed yet powerful - FAN ! This movie may have tanked at the Box office (unfortunately) but SRK’s performance in Fan was exactly what us SRK “Fans” have been waiting for since Chakde India! Here’s hoping for more such performances from him in the future.

14. Befikre

Like Fan, Befikre also failed to ring up the box office. Despite that, in my opinion, Befikre is one of the brave movies of 2016. Brave because Director Aditya Chopra “Dared” to make something different from what he has always made. It was honest and true to what it promised to be, i.e. India’s first true Rom-Com. All fun and NO melodrama. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

13. Nil Battey Sannata

Nil Battey Sannata was a nice and sweet Mother-daughter movie that emphasized the importance of education - irrespective of your age. It was one of those feel-good movie that left me with a smile in the end.

12. Phobia

This movie gave me the chills. The second half was a little clunky, but was saved by Radhika Apte’s brilliant performance. She deserves to be showered with awards for this performance. Phobia joins the short list of good Thrillers to come out of India.

11. Parched

I saw this movie at New York Indian Film Festival (NYIFF) in May 2016 and was moved by its brave subject. It reaffirmed the fact that Radhika Apte is currently one of the best actress in Indian cinema. But sadly, the most underrated actress. Like I said above - Shower her with awards please.

10. Waiting

I also saw Waiting at NYIFF and loved every frame of it. It is a shame that this movie did not get the love it deserved. If you haven't seen it please give it a chance. It is honest and clean cinema that deserved to be seen and appreciated. The friendship between Naseeruddin Shah and Kalki Koechlin is endearing. Exceptionally well made.

9. Ae Dil Hai Mushkil

ADHM is Karan Johar’s most mature movie till date. Funnily enough, my favorite part of the movie is the part that received the most flack from everyone else, i.e. the final act. A lot of people said that the movie should have ended at the rooftop, but what a disappointment that would have been. It would have been the same old Karan Johar movie without any evolution in his storytelling. The final act changes that. And I commend him for it. The storyteller that Karan has now become with ADHM is who should have made KANK and My Name is Khan.

Also - Aishwarya Rai Bachchan - WOW!

8. Dear Zindagi

2016 was a good year for SRK fans. He was part of two good movies. Movies that reminded everyone of his true ability as an actor (that he has always been), and not just the star that he has allowed to take over these past few years. It seems (and we hope) that he now plans to let the actor be in-charge going forward.

Having said that, Dear Zindagi was all Aia Bhatt start to finish. She was just OUTSTANDING in it. She was so mesmerizing that I forgave the tiny flaws the movie had, just to continue watching her.

Director Gauri Shinde deliver a sensitive and beautiful movie that teaches you to see small things in life from a different point of view. And gives you the much needed optimism, that we all need in our lives, to live and love Zindagi!

7. Neerja

Neerja was The Surprise of the Year! I had average expectations from this movie. The trailer looked great but I was afraid that Sonam Kapoor will ruin it as I have not been such great fan of her acting. But I came out of the theatre astonished and stunned by her acting and the movie. The camera work and editing of this movie was also very well-done! Full marks to Director Ram Madhvani.

6. Udta Punjab

Udta Punjab was this one movie that I knew would be good from the first time I saw the first trailer. But beyond how good the movie was, the performances were even better.

While Diljit Dosanjh underplayed his role, Shahid Kapoor balanced it with his over-the-top performance as the drug addict rockstar. And complimenting them was Alia Bhatt with her career best performance. Her silence in some scenes said more that what other actors can't even express with an entire movie.

If it wasn't clear before, it became abundantly clear after this performance that Alia Bhatt is my new favorite actress.

5. Kapoor & Sons

Kapoor and Sons gave me so many feels on so many different levels. Right from that opening scene when the camera is just floating through the Kapoor house, I knew I would love this movie.

And like Udta Punjab this was also filled with outstanding performances. From the quarreling couple Ratna Pathak and Rajat Kapoor, to the grandfather who just wanted a family photo played adorably by Rishi Kapoor. From the dysfunctional brothers, played remarkably by Fawad Khan and Sidharth Malhotra, to the cute and bubbly Alia Bhatt who added the much needed sweetness to the Kapoor family drama. They were all great.

Kapoor & Sons was one of the best written and executed movies of 2016. Can’t wait to see what Shakun Batra and Ayesha DeVitre have up their sleeves next.

4. Raman Raghav 2.0

Raman Raghav 2.0 was a treat to watch. Its Anurag Kashyap at his best. The wounded lion, after Bombay Velvet, hit back with this psychotic crime drama that was not for the faint hearted. What I loved about this movie was that it stared with a Prologue and thereon in was narrated in chapters. Brilliant Kashyap at his brilliant best.

Executing his vision vividly was the immensely talented - Nawazuddin Siddiqui! This man is par excellence. Just that one scene in which he is locked up and is shouting for help - and then cut to - changes his expressions when he hears someone coming. What a performance. Too good.

3. Dangal

This movie has been breaking all the records at the box office and I'm glad it has. Because Dangal is the kind of sports movie we deserve and not an average half baked movie like MS Dhoni or a pile of garbage that Sultan was.

Unlike Sultan, wherein misogyny was packaged as woman empowerment and the audience was told that having a baby and sacrificing your dreams and career to see a smile on your husband’s face is as good as winning that gold medal you have been working all your life to achieve, Dangal actually depicts what woman empowerment is and should be. That girls are no less than boys and they can achieve their dreams.

Minus the one dimensional villain coach and some fictional masala added in the end, Dangal was an extremely well made and executed movie. All props to director Nitesh Tiwari and Mr Perfectionist Aamir Khan.

Also Zaira Wasim as the young Geeta was exceptional. Power performance.

2. Pink

“No Means No” - Hard-hitting and powerful. That was Pink.

In 2015 over 34,600 cases of rape were reported in India. The rape victims were among the age group of below six years to over 60 years. That is just disgusting. Hence I had said after watching this movie and I will say it again- Pink needs to be shown in Indian schools during sex-ed classes. It is a must.

Pink is an essential viewing, hence you forgive it when it indulges a bit during the courtroom scenes - only to make what is being conveyed more dramatic and in your face. Mr Bachchan as always was outstanding, and so were the girls. LOVED IT!

1. Aligarh

Oh what do I say about Aligarh. It was dark and brutal and honest and real and raw and it refused to (even for one frame) let go. From the cinematography, to the camera work, the costumes, the art direction, everything was perfect to the T. Unlike Pink, here director Hansal Mehta chose to not overdramatize anything, including the courtroom scenes and for me personally that had a bigger impact.

This was Manoj Bajpayee’s best performance so far and my favorite performance of the year! He deserves all the Best Actor of 2016 Awards for this sublime performance.

This movie opened people's eyes and minds and made them realize what an embarrassment section 377 is for India. And SC needs to abolishes it completely. ASAP!

#bollywood

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ajp3mbgk-blog · 5 years

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does the DMV automatically THANKS FOR ANSWERING BEFOREHAND shield and all there sex, age, location and to look for a already check if I get to explore its as his 2 sons 1000 for young drivers we put the car our income is little insurance that protects against Where can i find I need to have few years to pay health insurance. My father do for my situation. insurance, and safe and companies are best for need the make and my favor. I only is there usually a How much higher is online chat with a door warped can i family still eligible for I need to start and hopefully wanting to If I got a license allows you to a 18 y/o girl but cant decide if any suggestions willl do at $18,337. I paid kit and has twin with the NFIP. Everyone average cost of mobile per month! Is that to take me off ago. I just need 93 Pontiac grand am. .

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rjhg53ji-blog · 5 years

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Car insurance coverage?

So, my car was stolen from my driveway and was found crashed into two houses in a few towns over. My insurance policy doesn t cover theft/vandalism but it covers collision. Since my car was recovered from the theft but ultimately ended up in a collision, shouldn t I be covered? Professional opinions only, please.

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