#how many rich powerful criminals has she pissed off????? too many!!!

[butcherb1rd]

whenever a karen page segment shows up, i get so incredibly nervous. like i support women’s rights, but she should uhhh take the hint and maybe shut up too? her ass is gonna get killed with all her poking around

[kevinsreviewcatalogue]

Review: Abigail (2024)

Abigail (2024)

Rated R for strong bloody violence and gore throughout, pervasive language and brief drug use

<Originally posted at https://kevinsreviewcatalogue.blogspot.com/2024/04/review-abigail-2024.html>

Score: 4 out of 5

The trailers for Abigail, the latest from the Radio Silence team of Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett, promised a simple, straightforward horror/comedy that inverted the premise of their prior film Ready or Not (a lone female character faces off against a group of people inside a mansion, but this time, she's the villain), and that's exactly what the film delivered. Probably the biggest problem I had with this movie is that the trailers spoiled way too many of its wild plot turns, not least of all the central hook that the little girl at the center of the film is actually a vampire, which the film itself doesn't reveal until nearly halfway in -- but then again, I was having way too good a time with this movie to really care all that much. I came for blood and some grim laughs, and I got them, courtesy of some standout performances and filmmakers who know exactly how to take really gory violence and make it more fun than gross. If you like your horror movies bloody, this is certainly one to check out.

Our protagonists are a group of criminals who have been recruited by a man named Lambert to kidnap Abigail, the 12-year-old daughter of a very wealthy man, after she gets home from ballet practice and hold her ransom for $50 million. However, once they've taken her to their safehouse, a rustic mansion deep in the woods, strange occurrences start happening around them, and one by one, they start turning up brutally murdered. Before long, they learn two things. First, Abigail's rich father is actually Kristof Lazar, a notorious crime boss who has a brutal and fearsome assassin named Valdez on his payroll who may well have been sent to take out these hoodlums. Second, and more importantly, Abigail is herself Valdez -- and a vampire. A very pissed-off vampire who quickly gets loose and goes to war against her captors, using all her vampiric powers against them.

In a manner not unlike From Dusk Till Dawn, the film starts as a slow-burn crime thriller with few hints as to what Abigail truly is, instead focusing on fleshing out our main characters, a motley crew of entertaining crooks who have no idea what they're getting into. Our protagonists may not be a particularly sympathetic bunch (being kidnappers and all), but all of them are great characters who are very fun to watch, reacting as many of us would to seeing what happens in the latter half of the film and anchoring the mayhem in something human. Melissa Barrera makes for a likable and compelling lead as the token good one/telegraphed final girl Joey (not her real name; they all use codenames taken from members of the Rat Pack), Kathryn Newton was hilarious and got some of the biggest moments in the film as the rich kid hacker Sammy, and Giancarlo Esposito made the most of his limited screen time as their mysterious leader Lambert, but the real standout among the protagonists was Dan Stevens as Frank, a corrupt ex-cop who becomes the de facto leader of the group and takes charge once the carnage begins only to turn out to have some skeletons in his closet. This was a group of people who all felt like fully fleshed-out, three-dimensional characters who I wanted to see either succeed or, in some cases, get what they had coming to them, even if the words "let's split up" were used a bit too often during the third act.

The true MVP among the cast, though, was Alisha Weir as Abigail. In the first act, she's excellent at playing an innocent-seeming little girl -- with emphasis on "playing", as every so often she lets her precocious mask slip just enough to let both her caretaker Joey and the audience know that she knows a lot more than she's letting on. After the reveal, she turns into a hell of a villain, a potty-mouthed psycho who's absolutely relishing getting to murder her captors, operating with glee as she fights them and continuing to them even when they think they have the upper hand. The film makes great use of the fact that Abigail is also a ballerina, not just in her outfit but also in how the action and chase sequences give Weir (who has a background in musical theater) ample opportunity to show off her dance skills, which has the effect of framing Abigail as the antithesis of her captors: violent as hell, but also elegant and graceful in a way that lets you know that she's probably been doing this for a very long time. I can see Weir going places in the future, if her performance here is any indication.

When it comes to scares, this film is a mess of gore, inflicted on both Abigail and her captors. The first act keeps us in the dark as to what's really going on, and did a good job building tension as Abigail lurks in the shadows and the characters find the dead and mutilated bodies of her victims, not knowing what's really happening. There are decapitations, a man having half his face torn off, lots of bites, and more than one instance of somebody exploding into a mess of gore (a gag that, going by how they used it in Ready or Not, Radio Silence seem to be pretty big fans of). There's a creepy sequence of somebody getting psychically possessed by Abigail that spices up the proceedings with a different kind of horror, especially as the performance of the actor playing the victim shifts. The climax was action-packed and filled with vampire mayhem, and while I thought the story was kinda spinning its wheels at this point, the film was still too much fun for me to really fault it too much. At this point, Radio Silence has become a brand I trust when it comes to delivering popcorn horror experiences that aren't that deep, but are still very fun, enjoyable times at either the multiplex or in front of your TV.

The Bottom Line

I came to see a ballerina vampire kick people's asses for nearly two hours, and that's exactly what I got. Abigail is a rock-solid, rock-em-sock-em good time of a horror/comedy buoyed by a great cast and directors who know how to entertain. If you don't mind lots of blood, check it out.

[powderblueblood]

ohhhh 18, 9, and 2 for your Steve and Eddie (any verse you'd like

interrogate me about my characters

you are FEEEDING MEEEEE i'm sorry this took me like a couple of days my brain had to power back up after the weekend

2. THEIR EMOTIONAL/MORAL WEAK SPOTS

hellfire & ice/sequel!eddie starts off as your garden variety drug dealer and progressively adds a couple more tools in his criminal belt as the years go on and honestly? doesn't really see that much of a boohoo about it. yes, it's what the world expects from all munsons, yes, it's bad bad work for bad bad men but eddie can't see himself working a straight job. ever. he's not equipped for it. and, he's made peace with the fact that he'll never be a rockstar (jk no the fuck he has not he's so bitter) so he's all, might as well make the wasted years i have on this stupid earth a little more interesting. he's got a little bit of a robin hood complex going on once we meet him in his late 20s.

clear cut!steve is also a criminal albeit the smoother kind, and kind of works off a similar thing of i've never been good at anything else, so this might as well be my career. except for steve, it's banking on how far he can get with that tireless, bottomless, all-consuming harrington charm. working in insurance, or whatever the fuck his father did, never quite scratched the itch of bold faced robbery that... well, robbery did. it's funny, though. steve's never had the aspirations towards grandeur that his fellow thieves have had, because he knows what it's like to grow up in a cushy rich household. steve's just doing it for the thrill of fooling everybody. and he is, by the way. fooling everybody. even you. remember that.

9. HUMILIATING MEMORIES

hellfire and ice!eddie, like.... do you mean his entire life up to this point and actually, beyond. he once got so unbelievably fucking stoned that he thought calling a phone sex line was a good idea but then once the sexy operator lady picked up, he got so freaked out that he could only talk in fozzie bear voice and he couldn't drop the bit for 20 minutes. fun conversation with wayne about that phone bill. he's also written so much bad poetry, so many embarrassing near-self insert stories (one of us, one of us) where he romances many a comely elfin lady. he once slipped one of these stories into chess club captain martha peterson's locker in freshman year as, like, an effort at wooing her but then he got pulled into the fucking guidance counselor's office because she said he was stalking him.

old hollywood!steve... again. regrets. humiliations. he has a few. one could be punching bela lugosi out after a stage production of dracula because he thought he was a real vampire (drunk). another could be punching out an extra on the set of the merry widow in 1925 because he was sniffing around mae murray, who steve was also sniffing around at the time (jilted). steve was replaced by 'that rodent-voiced bastard john gilbert' and the extra he clocked? none other than clark gable. among other embarrassments; not securing a finalized divorce from his first wife before he married his second (drunk), the time he fully pissed his pants when buster keaton played a prank on him during a seance (stoned), getting caught wailing for a second chance outside joan crawford's room at the garden of alla hotel (that woman was inside having lesbian sex).

18. THINGS THEY'LL NEVER ADMIT

old hollywood!eddie knows his entire career is based on fluke, but he's too embarrassed to nurture his real talent, which is writing. to be honest, he does stunts because he kind of has a death wish. not being able to express himself was killing him, but he was always too full of piss and vinegar and cowardice to kill himself. but now people see him, or what the studios have made of him, and it's glorious and horrifying and naked and fake and full of possibility that he's too scared to touch.

hellfire & ice/burning up & burning out!steve (moreso sequel relevant, but) has always thought lacy was a fucking weirdo honestly and blames lacy for nancy pulling away from him during his senior year, not like nancy becoming a person was a factor or anything... until they're older and steve and lacy grow increasingly fond of each other. he wishes he took the job that his dad laid out for him on a silver platter sometimes and married someone stable, like tina or whoever. steve's increasingly more anxious socially as he ages, knowing that most people see him as some kind of joke, but he has to put on the face and be the guy, whatever that means to him in 1994. he's terrified that he's built his life around constructs that are flimsy; being independent from his family, following a path when he's not sure of himself as a person, desperately trying to make the thing with nancy work when she's there because he's familiar and he's there because he's afraid.

[piermanwalter]

Jul Tambor’s single-minded goal of killing Darth Vader seems to be another of his many spoiled failgrandson delusions, but upon closer inspection, Jul has gotten himself into a situation where trying to kill Darth Vader is legitimately the best way forward. Jul has inherited Grandpa Wat’s ability to assess a situation and choose the most deranged self-destructive course of action, and it’s fascinating to see him try to apply this utterly atrocious ability to good.

From the perspective of the rest of the galaxy, Jul Tambor has spent the last 6 years yelling at gangsters: “I’m Jul Tambor! Grandson of Wat Tambor! I’m RICH AS FUCK and INCREDIBLY STUPID. My obsession with buying giant piles of garbage is frankly concerning! Find me in the Skako system.”

I think most people’s reaction to that would be along the lines of, “How far the Tambors have fallen. Jul has gone insane. I hope roleplaying commerce makes him feel better. At least I have someone I can unload tons of useless trash on.”

Those too smart for their own good would think, “Wait. He’s a Tambor. He’s Techno Union. There’s got to be something he knows that we don’t. I’ll buy the same garbage he buys in case it’s secretly valuable.” But inevitably the massive speculation bubbles that arise whenever Jul buys 50 thousand recalled air fryers burst when it’s revealed he is in fact buying literal garbage. Not to mention everyone who suddenly finds themselves priced out whenever Jul Tambor rolls through like the Mansa Musa of trash.

But imagine you and your supporters got exiled to a death world and everyone is just waiting for you all to suffocate and go extinct. It’s illegal to buy breathing equipment. So you buy tons of completely unrelated scrap instead and process it into breathing equipment.

You need to defend them, but if you buy weapons, the Empire will immediately notice and wipe you out. So instead you buy more garbage and scavenge battlefields for old droids and straight up steal new droids.

Jul managed to piss off so many criminal organisations that the Empire had mistaken them for an intentional blockade when they all gathered in the Skako system to kick his ass. Not only are they all trying to kill him, they discovered and are attacking his supporters. 

No wonder the Droid Crush Pirates have it out for him in particular. They have been fighting Darth Vader, Jul has been scavenging droids specifically killed by Darth Vader, so from their perspective, Jul has been kidnapping and brainwashing them.

Sabé’s belief that Jul must be stopped because if he attacks Vader, he will die and Vader will massacre his supporters in retaliation, is rooted in her own past experiences where she and her supporters had the privilege of walking away alive. Let’s examine Jul’s options:

As long as the Empire is in power, they will back the current ruling council of Skako. As long as the council remains in power, we are stranded on Brentaal IV. As long as we are stranded on Brentaal IV, we need to buy garbage to survive. A long as I buy garbage, pirates will try to kill me. Also Darth Vader is here.

Option 1: Retake Skako

If we win, the Empire will return to kill us again. X

If we lose, we die on the council’s orders. X

Everyone dies no matter what

Option 2: Do nothing

Pirates kill us. X

Everyone dies no matter what

Option 3: Lasting peace with pirates

If I succeed, I can’t buy scrap anymore so everyone will suffocate. X

If I fail, pirates kill us. X

Everyone dies no matter what

Option 4: Escape the system

If we succeed, we will have the same problems somewhere else. X

If we fail, pirates kill us. X

Everyone dies no matter what

Option 5: Kill Darth Vader

If I succeed, Imperial control of Skako will be weak enough for us to defy the council and go home.

If I fail, Darth Vader kills us. X

Fuck it we ball!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Judging by past trends, (Effortless destruction of the Amidalans, effortless destruction of Droid Crush, Ochi’s there, mild annoyance from IG-88, temporary distraction by Palpatine’s aides, severe emotional damage from Padme’s handmaidens, being obliterated and nearly dying from Governor Tauntaza who escapes unharmed), Vader is taking greater and greater Ls for each new enemy he faces.  Additionally, he has gone from at least cursorily supporting the Empire to killing officers on a whim and completely ignoring his official missions to continue his midlife crisis. I don’t think he’s killed a single formal member of the Rebellion in this entire comic series. At the very least, good job everyone for wasting his time, even if none of you could kill him ! Here’s what I think is going to happen:

Because he inherited Grandpa Wat’s self-preservation instincts, Jul will die horribly, but in such a way that achieves all of his other objectives. Like before he dies, he calls all the pirates and says,

“Hey guys. I got raided by the Empire and all of my

27 TRILLION TECHNO UNION CREDITS

are being held in the Skako Minor Imperial garrison. You can stop trying to kill me now. The Empire’s sending in some ships to retrieve

27 TRILLION TECHNO UNION CREDITS 

soon. Even if you catch me, I got nothing left for you. Peace!”

Whether Jul is incompetent enough to get robbed by the Empire or he’s a genius for lying is irrelevant, because this spurs the pirates into attacking the Imperial garrison. Killing Jul does nothing to stop them. He was never their commander. The pirates and the Empire annihilate each other over vast fortunes that may or may not exist.

In the resulting chaos, the Skakoans on Brentaal IV escape and the council gets overthrown. Vader’s like, “Man fuck this place. Maybe Tarkin was right about the Death Star.” and then leaves because he entirely stopped caring about the Empire’s interests.

[dlasta]

What really pisses me off is the way that bot war against Amber Heard worked. People absolutely would not look actual proven facts but instead would buy any clearly unhinged person’s opinion as ‘knowledge’ if it was defending Depp. It wasn’t even well done bot war with the obvious facts being what they are, just relentless.

I still see the same ‘facts’ thrown around to prove Depp was super innocent and Heard was somehow a criminal mastermind while not having any kind of power over Depp’s friends and staff. Not one has ever responded to me after I bring up his well documented/confessed history of violent behavior while on drugs/drunk, or the Polanski defense video, or the friendships with other abusers/rapists, or the unusual parenting choices. 

The worst of it all is that Heard defending herself/getting angry and paying back is somehow reasonable evidence of Depp being the victim? This from women, especially, is just so. SO. I don’t have words for it. We now have popular terfs and this. It’s just too much. If you don’t want to know because you want to watch his films, fine, but maybe not come in the conversation with the words ‘she did it too’ or ‘they’re both bad’ ‘but she’. There is not fair fight with this kind of  power imbalance. We know how hard it is to punish a famous white man in cases like this when they’re not filthy rich with filthy rich friends. The reason Depp got any kind of flack is because he kept hounding her and talking things people could not ignore. 

So many men getting their comeback tours right now. It’s revolting. 

[jackrrabbit]

excerpts/tasting menu of upcoming works

You’re in luck anon because this past week my dumbass brain decided to start like 5 different fics and not finish any of them, so I have plenty of things to preview (specific CWs included with each individual section)

As always, encouragement goes a long way for my motivation, so if you see something you’re interested in, give it a shoutout!

Also, all of these are super rough ;///; please have mercy on my pitiable first-draft skills

[BNHA] Spoiled Rotten /// Overhaul x f!Reader

Summary: You’re daddy’s spoiled little princess, but unfortunately daddy’s got debts to the yakuza and Overhaul’s going to make you work them off the hard way.

Warnings: restraints, kidnapping, harassment, drugging

“Do you know why you’re here?”

Against your will, your eyes flip up to the speaker. He’s the only one sitting, and somehow that gives him a position of power among the others. The leader?

Golden eyes rest steadily on yours, and you realize he’s waiting for your answer, so you slowly move your head from side to side.

“Didn’t know about daddy’s bad habits, huh?” This time the person speaking is behind you—the one who untied your blindfold, a thin man with lank, greasy blond hair. He’s the one who drugged me, you remember in a surge of panic, and you try to shift away from him only for him to step on the chain that connects your cuffs, jerking you back and pinning you in place.

“Careful, Setsuno. I told you not to leave marks. Let her talk.”

“Got it, boss.” The blond—Setsuno—fumbles at the back of your head and then he’s pulling the gag out of your mouth.

You open and close your mouth a few times to stretch out the stiff muscles. “Oh my gosh, was that polyester you just took out of my mouth? Do you have any idea how bad synthetics are for sensitive skin? I’m totally going to break out.”

A hush falls over the little room. You could hear a pin drop.

“…Are you complaining about the quality of the fabric we gagged you with?” the leader asks after a beat.

“You may be gangsters, but you don’t have to act like savages,” you reply primly, aligning your knees together and sending a proud look off to the side.

“Ohh…little princess deserves better, does she?” Setsuno coos. He edges closer to rub his cheek against yours and laughs when you flinch back from him. “Boss, you shoulda seen her bedroom. All pink and frilly, looked like royalty lived there. Bet they treat you like a real princess at home, huh? No wonder your daddy’s in debt.”

[BNHA] Sweet Tooth /// Bakugou x f!Reader

Summary: Pro hero AU—Your boss Ground Zero is an insufferable prick, but you just can’t get enough of the way he smells.

Warnings: none? arguing?

“Do you hear me? I don’t want you here. I don’t want you as my assistant. You can call yourself my ‘administrative support’ but you and I both know you’re a glorified janitor here to clean up my messes and I. Don’t. Want. You.” There’s a muffled bang and then the air is permeated with the acrid stench of burning. You don’t even have to look down to know that the papers (the report you spent three days of unpaid overtime trying to finish in the hopes that maybe this would convince him that you’re on his side) are going up in smoke.

And okay, you slip a little bit. Who can blame you?

“Well guess what, Katsuki? I don’t want you either.” You step as much closer to him as you can manage without literally touching him and jab your index finger into his chest—see how he likes it when you get up in his personal space. “I got placed here. I didn’t choose this. I don’t want to work for a temperamental brat who doesn’t know how to be appreciative of his staff, so the feeling’s mutual. So how about you shut up and let me do my job before the Commission decides you’re too much of a liability to let you run wild any longer?”

Bakugou sneers. He’s clearly not intimidated in the least, and dear god do you want to wipe that smug look off his face. “If you’re the best tactic the Commission’s got, they know they can’t touch me. I’m the number two hero—“

“—and you’re the number one expense when it comes to damage control and repairs. Seriously, do you think Deku goes around blowing up government buildings every other week? I’d kill to be at his agency instead of yours.”

“It was one stupid post office, and no one was hurt—“ Bakugou stops in the middle of his rebuttal and scarlet eyes narrow at you. “Wait. Deku? You’re saying you’d rather work for shitty Deku?”

He says it like the alias is an insult, and you frown. As a long-time admirer of Deku’s, you feel the instant impulse to come to his defense. “Of course I’d rather work for the top pro hero. Maybe if you weren’t so hot-headed you’d win a popularity contest once in a while.”

Uh-oh. Looks like you struck a nerve.

Bakugou leans into you and now you’re the one who has to shuffle back to keep your distance. He looks—well, murderous is a little too terrifying, so you’re going to go with pissed. Light shimmers out in harmless sparkles over his palms (it would be pretty if it wasn’t so foreboding) and the accompanying crackles make you shiver, but you hold the determined look on your face. He’s so close you can smell the fresh sharpness and witch hazel in his aftershave and under that—

—huh. It’s weird, but there’s a really sweet, really rich scent. Like…what is it? It’s wrong, out of place. Your brain is convinced that it’s not supposed to be there, so you can’t identify it. Without thinking, you inhale roughly, trying to get a better sense of the mouth-watering smell.

[BNHA] Runaways /// Dabi x f!Reader

Summary: Yandere—You were like an older sister to Dabi back when the two of you were teen runaways together; now that he’s found you as an adult, he’s never letting you leave again.

Warnings: unsafe piercing practices, don’t do this at home kids

When you turn your head like that, Dabi can see the tiny dots running up the side of your ear where your old piercings have scarred over from lack of use. Do you remember when he gave them to you? You did his first, running a needle through the lonely flame of your lighter (he offered to use his quirk, but it was still hard for him to control then so you declined) and then threading the metal through his ear. You promised it would only hurt for a second, and you were right, so he let you do the others.

Then, you’d offered to let him give you one. Just one on each ear—you already had an impressive collection of piercings, but you wanted to let him return the favor, so he did it. You were older than him and more experienced and had lived on the streets for longer, so when he held the needle in his hand and you told him you trusted him, it was the first time he’d ever thought of you as fragile, something delicate, something that he was capable of harming.

He’d chosen twin helix piercings for you, cresting the shell of each ear, silver band rings to match his. When they were done you’d pulled him to a mirror and asked him what he thought. It’d been a while after the worst burns on his face, the ones under his eyes and wrapping around his chin and down his neck, and he was still getting used to the knowledge that the wrinkled purple-red scars were never going to heal. “I look like…” he’d started.

A monster. A freak. A victim.

“A badass,” you’d said. “You look fucking cool. Any asshole who wants to pick a fight with you will take one look and know you’ve been through worse shit than whatever they can dish out, and that’s something to be proud of.”

Now that Dabi thinks about it, he probably wanted you even then.

[KNY] Moonrise /// Kokushibou x f!Reader

Summary: A shrine maiden is spirited away by a demon posing as a land god.

Warnings: references to Shinto religion

“Look up there, up in the mountains behind our shrine,” your grandmother told you. “Do you see the place where the earth rises into the clouds? Our kami lives there, in the boundary between the physical world and the celestial one, higher than any human can reach.”

You stopped crying just long enough to follow the direction of her gaze, staring into the hazy mist in the mountains beyond your village. “Kokushibou lives in the woods?” The idea of your supposedly beloved deity living off the land like a wild animal was unsettling to you.

The anxiety was obvious in your voice, but your grandmother just laughed and patted your hair. “In the woods, yes, but the legends tell us he lives in a mansion fit for an emperor. His house is so fine that our little temple could fit inside it a dozen times.”

“Does he live there all by himself? Isn’t he lonely?”

“Kokushibou may be alone, but he spends his days watching our village. He has three pairs of eyes so that he may look upon the human world, the heavens, and his own affairs without changing his gaze.” Your grandmother pointed to one of the stone carvings that had scared you earlier (the one you thought was so demonic with so many eyes in its face) and her wrinkled lips curled up in a smile that made her look like a girl again. “Can I tell you a secret?”

You nodded yes, too enthralled in the tale to remember that you’d been upset.

“Once when my aunt—your great grandmother’s sister—was young, Kokushibou came down from his mountain to watch her perform her kagura dance. When she first met his eyes she was afraid, but her fear only lasted a moment, for although he was fierce in temperament his face was as beautiful as the full moon.”

Your mouth dropped open. “Did she say anything to him?”

“No, he disappeared before she could speak to him. But she told me she always regretted not being able to thank him for what he does for our village.”

“But what does he do? For our village?”

Your grandmother’s rough hands closed over your small ones, pulling them to her mouth so she could place a tender kiss upon them. “Kokushibou protects us. In other towns like ours there are criminals, raids…even attacks from demons and other creatures of darkness. Our village is peaceful because the evil fears retribution from kami.”

“So he takes care of us?”

“Yes, all of us.”

“Even me?”

“Even you, little one.”

[Haikyuu] Fanatic pt. 3 /// Oikawa x f!Reader

Summary: Oikawa takes advantage of a devoted fan for some stress relief after a bad match (…and then other stuff happens, see [part 1] and [part 2])

Warnings: implied smut?, 18+, implied dubcon??, degradation

“Wait!” you gasp out again, craning your neck to meet his gaze as best you can from over your shoulder (still without the nerve to pick your hands up off the glass or move your ass away from him). “Wait, we can’t—we shouldn’t, it’s wrong—“

We can’t. It’s wrong. Oikawa rolls your words around in his head and almost wants to laugh again—and he would, if he weren’t so focused on the fact that in a few seconds, he’s going to get what he’s ben wanting for months. You’re perfect, still his dutiful little cheerleader, still so deeply in denial that you can’t even say that he can’t, he shouldn’t, he’s wrong. None of this is your responsibility, but you’re acting like it’s a decision you’re making together. Because you want it too, he knows, he’s sure of it. Just like all his other vapid fans, you’re the same except you’re lucky, because he’s about to give it to you.

“Yeah, it’s wrong.” His voice is low and so close to your ear that you can feel the steam of his breath splay out over the skin of your cheek. “It’s wrong…you’re so sick, wanting it like this. So dirty, my sick little slut, let me make it better. I’ll make it all better, hm? Just stay put and—take it.”

A/N: I also wrote a bunch of iwcb pt. 3 but I really hate what I wrote so I might have to rewrite it, pray for me :(

[spacesuitsforemergency]

I Got You, Duchess

Word Count: 3.2k

Pairing: Luke Cage x Frost! Fem!Reader

Summary: You join S.H.I.E.L.D thanks to your mother, and meet Power Man. He gives you an annoying nickname, which you definetly hate

A/N: literally no one asked but I love Emma Frost to death and I totally ship a Frost! Fem! Reader with Luke. Also I know people with the X-Gene gets passed down by the dad but Y’know. This is fiction for a reason

‘This’= speaking telepathically

“This”= speaking verbally

You were a desired woman. You were from a wealthy, dangerous, very powerful family. Your mother had built a business empire, after being Headmistress of Xavier Institute and Massachusetts Academy, a therapist, CEO of Frost International, and Chairman of the Board of Trustees, she had become one of the richest mutants in the world.

You were Y/N Frost, and unfortunately, that meant you were in danger nearly 24/7. Your mother had made many enemies over the years, business and X-Men wise, which resulted criminals sought after you to get revenge.

You somehow found yourself in trouble all the time. If you walked anywhere by yourself you were guaranteed to get robbed, stalked or threatened. You inherited the X-Gene from your mother, and her exact powers. You were just as skilled and precise with your powers as she was, but still, thank god for Luke Cage.

•

The first time you met, you had been on your way to a dinner with your mother and some board executives or something. You honestly didn’t care about your mothers work, your goals were more centered around developing your powers and becoming an X-Woman.

You had been running down the sidewalks of the busy streets of Manhattan, trying to get to the restaurant on time.

Some villain noticed your designer wear, and quickly snatched your bag from you. You chased after him, trying to use your telepathy to force him to stop. Of course, you couldn’t focus enough on it, and he quickly got away from you.

All of your daily essentials were in that bag. Your wallet, your phone, your homework, makeup, etc. You were pissed, you were tired of having to replace everything so many times just because you were wearing high end clothing. Sure, it may sound like rich people problems but...okay, so it is a rich people problem.

“This yours, miss?” A voice said behind you.

You turn around, seeing a guy your age, but much bigger than you. He had dark chocolate skin, plump lips, and he was at least a whole foot taller than you. The gaudy yellow actually worked for him, and his shades added a ‘disguise’ apparently. He had a nice yet confident smile on his face as he held out your stolen bag.

“Um...yes, how’d you know?” You asked as he handed it to you, your fingertips brushing.

“It’s a white Chanel. I assumed this could only belong to the pretty girl in the white Chanel.” He chuckled.

“Well, thank you...?” You raise an eyebrow in question.

“Power Man.” He held a hand out to you.

“Power Man?” You giggle as you shake his soft hand. “What’s your power, then?”

“Intangible skin, miss.” He grinned proudly.

“Impressive.” You smile. “Well, thank you, Power Man.”

“I got you, duchess.” He nodded.

“Don’t call me that.” You narrow your eyes.

“Whatever you say...duchess.” He winked before rushing off.

The whole time at dinner that night, you couldn’t stop thinking about Power Man. He was attractive, charming, and also had powers like you did.

Sure he had called you duchess, and that annoyed you. You didn’t like being seen as just a little rich girl, but when you dressed like you did that’s all people saw.

You weren’t a spoiled brat in any way. You and your mother donated tons of money to charities and she funded the X-Men. Yes you liked extravagant clothing and accessories, and you paid a lot to get luxurious spa treatments, but that’s what you liked.

‘Dear, what’s on your mind?’ Your mother raised an eyebrow at you from across the table.

‘Why don’t you just read it?’ You quipped.

‘I already did. Just thought I should ask. I know this Power Man, I could do something for you.’

‘Mother you better not.’

Mother didn’t listen. Like usual.

Not even 24 hours later, you were picked up by the white Frost limo after school, and it didn’t go the usual route. At first you thought maybe the driver was kidnapping you, but then you read his mind and realized that your mother had told him to take you to the S.H.I.E.L.D Helicarrier.

You weren’t surprised your mother hadn’t listened to you, but this time you were glad she hadn’t. Being a hero one day was your dream, and you knew S.H.I.E.L.D had hero programs. Sure you could always become an X-Woman, but that was too easy. They’d let you right in, you wanted to be wanted for your capabilities, not your mother.

You arrived at a small helicopter pad, where they flew you up to the Helicarrier. Nick Fury himself was there to greet you, another man with a very rectangular hairline next to him.

“Director Fury, pleasure to meet you.” You greeted him, then read the other mans mind. “Agent Coulson, you as well.”

“So, your mother tells us you’re interested in joining the hero program?” Agent Coulson asks you.

“Yes.” You nod simply as they lead you inside.

“You’ll be on a team, other kids your age.” Fury clears his throat, then goes on about the program and such.

You don’t pay attention much, since you already know plenty about their programs. You quickly scan agents’ minds as they pass you in the halls, just for basic information like how to navigate the Helicarrier and who the important people here were.

You finally arrive at your destination, a meeting room of sorts. You see a long table in front of a floor ceiling window, and a control panel on the other side. You see 5 teenagers your age, and your eyes widen when you recognize one of them.

“Duchess! What’s up?” Power Man beamed at you.

“That’s ‘duchess’?!” A shorter Hispanic boy exclaims, jaw nearly dropping. You read his mind, this was Sam Alexander.

“Power Man!” You turn back to your acquaintance. “So you talk about me, I see?”

“How could I not?” He winked, shades off so you can tell better this time.

“That’s enough of that.” Fury narrowed his eye at him. “Everyone, please welcome your new member.”

“Wait duchess, you have powers?” Power Mans eyes widened.

“I didn’t say I was officially joining.” You turn to Fury, ignoring the question for now. “My mother arranged this, there has to be repercussions of some form.”

“No ma’am, there aren’t. She only told us that you wanted to join and I’m not passing you up.” Fury said sternly. “As much power as she has on the world, she doesn’t have any here, I promise you that.”

You read his mind to make sure he was telling the truth, since you never really believed my mother would do something 100% out of the kindness of her heart. She was a lovely mother, but still a business woman. Who knows what kinds of deals she could’ve made. Once you were satisfied with your ‘research’, if you will, you sighed.

“Fine. I believe you.” You give in.

“Great. So who are you?” A boy in hideous red and blue spandex asked. Peter Parker, AKA Spider-Man, AKA Webhead, nicknamed by the Sam Alexander guy.

“I am Y/N Frost.” You introduce yourself. “Don’t bother giving introductions, I’ve already checked.”

“Checked?” Sam raised an eyebrow.

“She’s a telepath.” A guy with chin length blonde hair and the Iron Fist symbol across his chest answered for you.

“And you know this how?” Sam crossed his arms.

“You would also know if you read any S.H.I.E.L.D files.” He responded.

“Again, you’ve got powers?” Power Man, or Luke Cage, repeated.

“Yes, and this is being brought to my attention once again because?” You put you hands on your hips.

“Uh, cause you could’ve saved your purse yourself? Right?” He asked.

“First of all, I couldn’t focus then. I don’t have training. Second of all, I’m not a licensed hero so there could’ve been legal trouble.” You justify.

“Isn’t your family, like, super rich?” The girl in the white catsuit, Ava Ayala, inquired. “You could afford any lawyer.”

“Yes but I am a mutant.” You explain. “Doesn’t matter how rich I am, mutants are discriminated worse than if I acquired the powers from, for example, a mystical amulet like you.”

“Oh.” She shut up.

“Yeesh, what’s with all the big words?” Sam scoffed.

“Acquired isn’t a big word, stupid.” Ava swat him across the head.

“Now. Miss Frost, will you be joining your teams training session?” Agent Coulson asked, after glaring at them. According to his thoughts, he wanted to make a good impression with you. How cute.

“Yes, I most certainly will.” You offer a small smile.

“Great. If you need anything, ask somebody else.” Fury grumbled before leaving.

“Alright team, let’s show Miss Frost what you’ve got.” Agent Coulson ordered.

“You need a codename!” Spider-Man shouted.

“How about Duchess?” Luke snickered

“Absolutely not.”

•

Over the next few weeks, you had grown pretty close to Luke. You two were basically best friends now, you were almost never seen without the other anymore.

You two went on spa days together, and you paid for the luxurious treatments. He resisted at first, but you eventually wore him down and he gave in. You even convinced him to get his nails done with you one time.

He would come over to the Frost Mansion to do homework or watch sports games. You usually had the house to yourself and maybe a housekeeper or two, since your mother was always working. You were grateful for that now, so she wouldn’t pester you or intimidate him.

You were close to the rest of your team too of course, but Luke was different. You had already thought he was attractive, but now had started to develop a crush on him. He was alluring, considerate, selfless, diligent, valiant, reliable, you could go on.

You wanted to read his mind to see if he felt the same, but you couldn’t abuse your powers like that to invade his privacy. You two had built up trust in one another, he trusted you not to pry in his mind and you trusted him enough to not do so. Still, you were curious and it took a lot of will power to not do so.

•

Luke didn’t really get crushes on people, but when he did, he made sure not even Danny could tell. Or so he thought.

Of course Danny knew, he wasn’t blind or stupid. He knew his best friend definitely had a thing for you. He understood of course, you were attractive, intelligent, and disciplined. So what to do with this information? Confrontation of course.

“So Luke...” Danny approached his best friend during a lunch break during weekend training. “What do you think of Y/N so far?”

“What do you mean?” Luke raised an eyebrow suspiciously at the short blonde.

“Y’know, what do you think of her as a teammate so far?” He asked casually, not fazed by Luke already catching onto his plan.

“I mean...she has a better handle on her powers now. And I guess she’s very...useful?”

“I agree.” Danny nodded, grinning, then took a sip of his tea.

Luke narrowed his eyes at him. Danny never asked these questions when Spider-Man joined the team. He was sneaky and smart, Luke will have him that. It seemed like a casual conversation so far, maybe that’s all it was.

“She’s pretty, huh?”

There it was.

“I mean, uh...I mean, sure.” Luke cleared his throat nervously.

“You two spend a lot of time together. Saw you guys go to the spa.” Danny chuckled, amused at his friends reaction.

“What do you want, Daniel?” Luke set down his food and fully turned to face his friend.

“Nothing.” He shrugged. “I’m just wondering-“

“Cut the crap. What are you up to?”

“Hey, I am not one to pull shenanigans.” Danny raised a finger at him as he set down his tea. “But. You obviously have a thing for her.”

“What?!” Luke laughed. “No I-no. No I don’t! You are-You’re crazy! You sir. Are crazy in the head. No! No I don’t.”

Danny smiled, almost laughing as Luke stumbled over his words. He wasn’t as slick as he thought.

“Okay.” Danny went back to his food.

Luke sharply inhaled, also turning back to his lunch. He saw you across the room, chatting with Ava about...whatever it is you two talk about. You were drinking soda with your pinky sticking out, which he figured out was just one of your mannerisms. You were wearing your pure white X-Suit, your legs crossed and head held high.

Danny was clearly right, he definitely had a crush on you. How could he not? You were clever, generous, passionate, honest, resourceful, elegant, and hands down the most gorgeous girl he’s ever see in his life.

“Fine, you’re right. What do I do?” Luke sighed, giving in to the tense silence that finally broke him.

“Leave it to me, my friend.” Danny pat his shoulder.

“Oh no, you are not playing matchmaker.” Luke snapped. “Remember how that went last time?”

Danny thought back to their first year of high school, when Luke had a crush on this cheerleader. Danny only interfered a little, and by a little, he outright told her about the crush. Then she went onto expose it to the whole school and even went as far to make fun of him.

“Okay...so that was my fault.” Danny nodded slowly. “But this is Y/N.”

“Exactly. She’s way outta my league.” Luke shook his head as he glanced back to you and Ava, who were now arguing over whatever you had been talking about.

“She’s not out of your league.” Danny reassured him.

“How is she in my league, exactly?” Luke crossed his arms. “She’s rich, beautiful, powerful, popular.”

“Dude, you don’t have to be rich to be liked. You’re great, man. What’s not to like?”

“Aww, are you saying you have a crush on me?” Luke said sarcastically.

“Yes yes, I’ve hidden it for years but now that I have competition, I confess my love for you.” Danny laughed. “But seriously dude, you’re cool. You’re really nice, you’re a superhero, you’re dependable, you’re not half bad to look at.”

“I know I’m hot stuff, you don’t gotta feed into that one.” Luke chuckled. “Thanks, man. Maybe I’ll tell her.”

“You should.”

“I will. So no meddling.” Luke said sternly.

“Alright, alright.” Danny agreed.

•

“He is so out of my league though.” You told Ava as you sipped on your soda.

“Y/N, are you dumb, blind, stupid, or a complete ditz?” She stared at you as if you’d just said the most idiotic thing in the universe.

“First, you just used basically the same word 3 times. Second, I am not!” You said, actually kind of offended.

“But you are stupid!”

“Thanks.”

“I mean-!” She sighed. “I mean, you’re stupid, because it’s so obvious he likes you.”

“What? He likes me?” You gawked at her.

“You can literally read minds, why are you surprised?” She asked, dumbfounded by your cluelessness.

“I don’t want to invade his privacy like that. Besides, we’re just friends.” You insisted.

“Okay sure.” She scoffed. You raise an eyebrow at her.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You asked, loudly setting down your soda, making it slosh and nearly stain your white gloves.

“Y/N, come on. He goes out of his way for you. He cancels plans with us to go shopping with you or something. You think he likes baseball? He thinks it’s a boring sport, but he comes over to your place to watch them, right?” She asked.

You realized he came over everyday there was a sports game on. You never really paid attention to what the sport was, but you do remember seeing baseball a few times.

“Well, yeah.” You nod.

“People don’t do that unless they like you.” She explained, as if you were some empty headed ding dong.

“He’s...just being nice.”

“For someone claiming to be smarter than me, you are truly an idiot.” She facepalmed.

You glared at her, but only because you completely agreed. Now that you thought about it, Luke did do all of those things. He went out of his way to do things like open doors for you, he would use any excuse to come over, he accompanied you on your spa or shopping trips.

You looked over and made eye contact with him. You smile and wave, and he simply grins back. Maybe you would make your move.

•

“Nova, behind you!” You shout to your teammate, just before he gets knocked down.

You and the team had been ordered by Fury to go take down the remainder of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, which currently only consisted of Avalanche, Pyro and Toad. They had robbed another bank in downtown Manhattan, and were now escaping along the rooftops of skyscrapers.

You were familiar with them, since you grew up watching the X-Men go off on missions while you stayed back. You gave the team a run down on how to beat them before you left, but you were somehow still getting your asses handed to you.

Spider Man and White Tiger were fighting Toad, Avalanche was shaking the ground so that Iron Fist and Power Man couldn’t even stand, and Nova had been taken down by Pyro, who was now charging at you.

You quickly focus your attention on him, taking over his mind to make him stop in his tracks. You force him to turn and use his powers on Avalanche, causing him to loose focus on his powers.

Iron Fist and Power Man quickly pursue him, now able to walk properly. You kept control over Pyro, so that he wouldn’t attack again.

You cry out in shock when the ground shakes, making the building you were on sway. You look over and see Avalanche glaring at you, probably mad that you made Pyro burn him. You didn’t have time to mind control him, the building crumbling where you stood and making you fall. You quickly shift into your diamond form, hoping it was enough protection.

“Y/N!” You heard Luke cry.

You saw as he jumped from the building, not thinking of the consequences.

‘What are you doing?!’ You shout at him telepathically. ‘You could get hurt!’

‘Don’t worry about me, I’ve got unbreakable skin for a reason!’

You call out to Sam, and thankfully he’s back up. He barrels down and catches Luke, then uses his weight to go faster.

Luke grabs you and holds you to him, as Sam gently sets you both on the ground. You hug onto Luke, shaken up about how close you were to impacting the ground.

“Thank you.” You pull back to face him.

“Yeah.” He nods, out of breath as well.

You both look into each other’s eyes with deep adoration. You didn’t need telepathy to know you were both thinking the same thing.

You both crash your lips together in a desperate, hungry kiss. His arms tighten around your waist, and you grab the sides of his face. Your lips fit perfectly against his, and they taste like the orange chapstick he used on the daily.

You both slowly pull away, your noses brushing as you stare into the others eyes.

“Thank you.” You pant out, heart racing partly from falling 900 ft in the air and partly from the breathtaking kiss.

“Um, you’re welcome?” Sam speaks up from behind you two.

“Shut up, Sam!” You both snap.

He scoffs, then flies back up. You notice people staring at you and Luke, but you don’t really care at the moment. You turn back to Luke, smiling before kissing him again.

“Thank you.” You emphasize by kissing him on the forehead.

“I told you, I got you, duchess.”

[rotblut]

Thoughts on sweet home? Your rating?

.

GOD I AM PISSED OFF ABOUT THAT FUCKING ADAPTATION. that was a shitty way to adapt a perfectly paced, well-structured, written, and character-driven plot from the webtoon into a messy and confusing drama. and I am mostly speaking about the writing that was a big no from me. the biggest problem for me was the writing for 85% of the time. acting was amazing and have no problem with that (aside from 1 criminal). my problem was how it was written. 

if I hadn’t read the webtoon i would be so confused about it all. and I know the webtoon wasn’t finished while they were shooting the drama, so why didn’t or couldn’t they adapt faithfully the first 70 chapters in the first 10 eps (season1) and the last 71 chapters into season 2 (because from that fucking open-ended cliffhanger they sure as hell want to make a season 2). and I know dramas can never be as faithful to a webtoon but still :(((((((((( that shit was insulting they came up with instead.

they kept 30% of the webtoon and said fuck to the rest of the plot that was thhere. the new written plot for the drama was obnoxious af and not needed and hardly better than the plot that was in the webtoon. characters that were in the webtoon were reduced to the minimum or completely re-written, or personalities-events switched. minor side characters were terribly dumb. also, fuck the unnecessary violence. the only new character that was made for the drama who i  liked was the pregnant women (and she did a looooooooooooooooot. like they made her do a looooooooooooooooooot of stuff.) but the subplot that they specifically wrote for her??????? NAh, wasn’t a fan of that at all. the actress was amazing tho.

sooooooooooooo many fucking plotholes, the monsters conveniently disappearing and showing up when needed to show up made no sense. also fuck the director for hiring the r*pist to play a character named wook. his character was completely re-written and i hated both him and his newly written character. the only thing they kept was his name and his new subplot was fucking terrible but fuck him to the infinite for his real life crimes. (ironic how they hired a r*pist to play a character in the drama who’s after revenge and murders a guy who's a p*do and r*pist too.......................)

Park Gyu Young as Yoon Ji Su was hardly present at all in the drama the way she was in the webtoon. she was reduced to the bare minimum, even tho her character was one of the main characters but honestly she was better here than in psycho but okay......but not that exciting to me either. really liked Park Gyu Young as Yoon Ji Su too and his character more or less was the same as he was in the webtoon but in the drama he went out with a bigger banger. (also them making him an ex-alcoholic was not needed but oh well). loved the 2 old guys too they had more screentime in the drama but also at the same time they didn’t because in the webtoon they were like father figures to hyun and here it didn’t really work well because of time restrictions. Go Yoon Jung’s character was great too but she was most of the time with the r*pist so that was a no for me. 

ANYWAY THE HIGHLIGHT FOR ME was song kang, lee do hyun and go min shi. PERFECT CASTING FOR THEM. PERFECT. LOVED IT. LOVED IT. WANTED MORE. WANTED A LOOOOOOOOOOOOT MORE WITH THEM TOGETHER. the progression of her being a tsundere and all cold and rough on the outside but inside she’s hurt and she just loves her big brother and hyun so much. I did enjoy how they gave her more screen time in the drama and made her more flashed out because in the webtoon she’s more of a comedic character (aside from the last 20 chapters). and I did enjoy those changes a lot and that they focused on her as the main romantic love interest for hyun. she was really perfect and she could balance the rudeness with the tenderness and the comedy with the serious scenes so well. they did give her some plot points that belonged originally to Yoon Ji Su in the webtoon.  also the chemistry with the 2 boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I watched her act with song kang in love alarm too and i haven’t seen it there because i didn’t like the way her character was written there. but here......yeahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!)

LEE DO HYUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he did what he had to do and he’s the perfect hyuk. the way he loves his lil sister soooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE LOVE HE HAS FOR HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEST BROTHER LIKE BEST BROTHHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIM and sang tae for best bros of 2020!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that was a big part of his character in the webtoon and I am glad they kept that. I do wish that they would have made him sometimes even more of an asshole. wished him and song kang had more scenes together. sad they erased his otaku loving self that he had in the webtoon and for that very reason was connected to hyun in a way the others weren’t.  missed the frenemy scenes between them. his *ending* (sacrifice in the webtoon) was much more meaningful in the webtoon. I mean I did cry like a lil bitch at him saying goodbye to his sis and all that because i love my siblings and i love him and it was powerful but something was missing. 

SONG KANG SAID THAT HE IS AN ACTOR!!!!!!!!!! LOOK at him act and act well and I am so proud like he did his part in love alarm too but that was hardly challenging acting lmaooooo. again, i am bitter they diminished his otaku self because in the webtoon (i shit you not) he overcomes his inner greed into turning into a monster a loooooooooooooot of the time with the power of the anime-webtoon-gaming gods and his obsession and enjoyment over 1 female character and her knight sidekick. the fanboy inside him was living and the reason for him to survive that long. so I was really sad tthat hey reduced that part because aside from him playing a fps in the first few eps it was hardly important. also wished they went more into his struggle with his inner greed-filled asshole self-monster (I loved those scenes in the webtoon). his webtoon persona was sooooooooooooo rich and it was such a satisfying way to read his character progression and what made him into a hikikomori and how he struggled with his past and how he slowly overcomes it. So sad they reduced that. 

also forgot about acting king  Kim Sung Chul as the antagonist was amazing but his character in the webtoon had so much more depth but of course in 2 eps you can’t achieve that. still he did that!

I can go on and on but anyway. the ost was nice, i don’t even care about the sometimes tacky looking cgi because that wasn’t really the problem here and i expected something like that. but MY BIG PROBLEM WAS THE FUCKING WRITING FOR THAT DRAMA and for 80% of the time it failed me deeply and it hurt because i wanted to love it and i do like some aspects a loooooooot but fuck it was a mess. alice in borderland did it better. LIKE THEY DID A LOOOOOOOOOOOOT BETTER. and will i gif it? YES. disliking a lot of aspects of a drama doesn’t stop me from not giffing it. but i do wish the writing was better. I’ll give it a 3/10 because they fucked up way too much when it comes to the writing. 

[fedeipox]

The Way of Time (Rdr2 fanfic) - Chapter 5 (1/3)

Here I am! How was Christmas?

Previously on TWoT: A 2020 girl ends up in 1899 with a bunch of outlaws. First she freaks out. Then, she agrees in living with them. After, she begins to know the gang members, the way they think and act and among them a certain Mr. Morgan catches her attention. Now, she wants to go around, learn more about the surroundings and be an active part of the gang. 

Chapter 5 (1/3) - Playing and learning

Words: 3k

That morning Emily woke up with an urgent need: she needed to brush her teeth. She hadn’t done it in thee days and started wondering how could those people live without brushing. She had asked Mary-Beth, of course, who confirmed the existence of toothbrushes and paste, but they didn’t use it. Apparently in 1899 it was considered as something only rich people could do, because they had time and money to waste in personal hygiene. So Emily had to settle for an old friend: the chewing gum. They kindly informed her that gum was an old habit already and that the mint flavor variation appeared at least thirty years earlier, a fact that surprised her. 

After all the work Miss Grimshaw had given them the day before, there was nothing to do in camp, and when Emily said nothing, she meant nothing. Again, she questioned Mary-Beth, asking her what did they do when they didn’t work. Her answers was: nothing. They read something, wandered around, complained about the boredom, insulted each other. The last one seemed to be an important part of camp-life: instead of talking with each other, act like a group, like a family, at the first chance they had they were at each other’s throat.  

For example Emily soon understood Mary-Beth, Tilly and Karen didn’t like Molly, and apparently Miss Grimshaw didn’t like her, either, but Emily couldn’t understand why. They were all women living in a difficult situation, they should have sticked together, have each other’s back. Where was their sisterhood?

When Mary-Beth returned to her book, Emily started walking among the tents, preparing herself to a day full of attempts to understand those people, the only thing she could do to avoid being bored to death. After all, she had no music, no interesting books, no TV and no Internet.

As she reached the center of the camp, she spotted Miss Grimshaw sipping something from a cup right next to the pot in company of the man who Emily learned to be Mr. Strauss, the money lender. She gulped and summoned all her courage before approaching them. That woman had something that attracted her like a moth with a lantern, the same effect Hosea had on her. 

“Good Morning, Miss Grimshaw” she said shyly.

“Morning to you” she replied.

Even when she wasn’t giving orders, the inflection of her voice was strong and straightforward. 

“Morning” said Strauss and Emily nodded as an answer.

“I-I was wondering, why everybody addresses to you with your last name, Miss Grimshaw?”

The woman seemed taken aback by that strange question and for a moment she struggled with her own thoughts.

“I guess it’s a way to show respect. Even though they don’t give me much respect apart from calling me by my last name. These new generations, they’ll be the ruin of this world.”

Emily smiled at her complaining, thinking about all the times she had heard something like that in 2020. Some things never change.

“That’s a pity, you have really a beautiful name, they should use it more often.”

Miss Grimshaw frowned.

“Are you trying to make fun of me, girl?”

“N-no, Miss Grimshaw, never! I-I… you just remind me a lot of… my mother has a similar personality. She’s not as strict as you are, b-but… she’s the one who governs the house and gives orders and taught me how to take care of myself.”

Emily talked with her head low, thinking how pathetic she was sounding.

“What about your father?” asked Mr. Strauss and Emily noticed his foreign accent.

“Oh no, my father is more like a subject” she laughed.

Then, after an embarrassing silence fell, Emily addressed Mr. Strauss.

“You have a strange accent. Where you come from?”

“Austria.”

“Really? My grandfather’s brother lived for some time in Austria after the war ended and he kept telling us how much Austrians were different from Germans. He said they were more… friendly somehow.”

“Which war?” asked Mr. Strauss.

“The… Second World War” answered Emily, but while she pronounced the words she already new they couldn’t understand.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t be talking about things you still haven’t lived.”

“Oh for Lord’s sake girl. When will you give it a rest with this nonsense?” Miss Grimshaw rebuked her.

“It’s not her fault, Susan. You can perfectly tell she really believes in her delusions” answered Mr. Strauss. 

Emily lowered her eyes and felt like she had been stabbed in the back. They didn’t believe her, but what could she expect? They seemed two down to earth people, they didn’t have the predisposition to believe her.

“I’m sorry, I-I’ll go find something else to do than bother you” she murmured and without looking at them she quickly walked away.

Her legs leaded her in the back of the kitchen and she realized where she was only when she saw the prisoner tied to the tree. Again, she thought that probably he was tied there for a reason, maybe because he was too dangerous, or that he had done something terrible, and he deserved to be there. So again she walked away without looking at him twice. 

As she kept going, thinking about how many people in that camp were just not going to believe her and her story, she passed right in front of Arthur’s tent, but he wasn’t there. She stopped and looked around for a second, being sure he wasn’t in her range of sight before drawing closer. 

The first thing that stroke her was the amount of photographs: one of a woman on the table, another woman on the crate at the back of the bed, and then three on the side of the wagon. On the table by the bed there also was Arthur’s hat, which Emily took before sitting on the cot. She looked at it for a while before placing it on her head and smiling feeling how heavy it was compared to what she expected. Then, she turned around to look better at the three photos hanged on the wagon. 

There was a… dog? There was a man, who, thanks to the resemblance to Arthur and to the name written on a tablet he was holding, Emily could understand was his father. But was the third photo that shocked Emily most of all: a young Arthur with two young Dutch and Hosea! The latter was the one Emily focused on, with his very pale blond hair, and she couldn’t help but notice he was incredibly handsome! Even more than Arthur who with the years had got definitely better. 

So, that was the place Arthur slept in, she thought turning to sit straight again. Maybe he had his diary somewhere. She looked around, but the only thing she found was a little newspaper cutting dated 1887 about a bank robbery, and reading the description of the suspects, Emily recognized Dutch, Hosea and Arthur. She laughed picturing the scene in her mind, and in the end she was surprised to find out the money they had stolen, they gave it away to the poor. 

“Hey, what are you doing?” 

Emily turned to smile at Arthur as he walked closer and stood up showing him the cutting.

“A bank robbery?” she asked.

“You know you’re trespassing a private property, don’t you?”

“I didn’t think you minded too much about private property” she laughed.

Arthur took the hat from her head and put it on his with an annoyed face that made everything more hilarious for Emily.

“So, that’s your father, I got this” she said pointing at the photo while Arthur took the cutting from her hands.

“And I suppose this is your mother” she added taking the photo from the table and turning it to read the name.

“Beatrice, it’s a beautiful name.” Arthur took the photo too and put it back to its place.

“But I don’t understand who’s that woman. Your sister maybe?” she asked pointing at the other woman picture.

Arthur took her by her shoulders and made her turn around.

“This is none of your business” he said pushing her out of his tent. 

“I’m just trying to know you better. I love that picture with Dutch and Hosea, by the way. The three of you looked awesome!” she replied turning to look at him.

His pissed off face made Emily laugh, but in the end she returned serious.

“I’m sorry you’ve lost your parents. Your mum looked like a good woman” she said looking at him right in the eye. 

“I can’t say the same about your dad, because from my understanding he was a criminal too, but…”

Arthur’s hands on her made her jump and when he spoke a shiver ran down her back.

“Don’t talk about things you don’t know” he growled.

She froze on her place looking at his clear eyes. He had the same look of the day before, when they came out of the saloon, the look that had scared her, that made her understand he wasn’t joking anymore, the look that had the power to put her back into her place.

As he walked away she felt suddenly heavy. She was sorry and ashamed for what she had done. He was right, she didn’t know anything about him, she had no right to say things about him, his family and his past. She wanted to run, reach him and tell him how sorry she was, but she didn’t, scared by the fact he could get even angrier.

...

Emily was a very active kind of person, always working, always doing something with herself, and that situation was boring her, so she had to think about something. Who she wanted to spend her time with? She didn’t get to choose. As she left Mr. Morgan’s private space, Jack came running and asked her to play hopscotch again. 

“Why don’t we try something new instead?” she asked kneeling down to look at him right in the eye.

“Do you know other games?”

“Oh I know plenty of games. For example: what do you want to be when you grow up, Jack?”

The little boy frowned: no-one had ever asked him that question and for him it seemed something impossible to answer. 

“I don’t know” he said in the end.

“Well, when I was little, I knew exactly what I wanted to be. I wanted to be an explorer. So I took my backpack and went exploring.”

“What did you explore?”

“Everything. I’ve been in the African deserts, the highest and coldest mountains of Asia and the thickest jungles of South America.” “Really?”

“Yes, really. I just had to close my eyes and I could see them.”

“How?”

“Use your imagination. Come, I’ll show you.”

The process was more difficult than Emily expected. Jack was four years old, but she had never seen a more down-to-earth kid in all her life. Imagination was a strange word in his vocabulary. 

“When Uncle Hosea reads a story to you, you imagine what happens on your head, right?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“It’s the same thing, you just have to take the images from your head and bring them in the reality. Now, first of all, explorers have hats, big hats, so we have to find two.”

After they found the hats - Emily borrowed a big one from Charles and Jack one from his father - she started with her play. She brought him into the woods, searching among the leaves and dirt for traces of the ‘big mountain gorilla’, then she made him cross the 'Pacific Ocean’ on a canoe, which was a crate, and landed on the exotic ‘New Guinea’.

“Look, Jack!” she exclaimed pointing her finger at Tilly in the distance.

“She’s one of the native girls of the island. Should we approach her and find out if she speaks our language?”

...

The new girl was playing again with Jack and this time her game was even crazier than the jumping on numbers. They kept wandering around camp, or in the woods, or on the edge of the cliff and pointing at things that didn’t exist. At one point they even approached the fire, where some of the gang members were sitting, with a stealth and careful pace like they were hunting a dangerous animal, but instead the girl pointed at Uncle’s face and said: “Look Jack, this is a great shaman of the Australian desert. They say he has magical powers. We should show our respects.”

Javier, Bill and Uncle himself laughed in a snort looking at her slim figure bowing in reverence.

“Oh great shaman, please, enlighten us with your wisdom.”

“What exactly are you doing?” exclaimed Lenny coming closer to the fire.

“Oh no! They sent one of their warriors. Hurry Jack, bring me my sword, we have to defend ourselves!” she yelled to the little boy.

Without hesitation, he run away and Emily looked at Lenny who was about to sit down. 

“No, no don’t sit, please. We have to fight” she said.

“I won’t fight with you” he replied.

“Come on, Lenny! I’m doing it for Jack.”

“What? Acting like a fool?” asked Bill.

“Playing with the imagination. He needs this” she answered.

Lenny didn’t want to, it was stupid, it was humiliating, but she was begging him with the eyes.

“Here’s your sword!” yelled little Jack running towards her and giving her two sticks.

“Take your weapon, sir. We’ll see if you are as brave as the stories tell” she said with a big fake voice and handed one stick to Lenny.

He sighed and looked at the people around him as they were all wondering if he would have played that stupid game. He had no choice: he took the stick and put himself in position.

The mayhem she was causing caught the attention of more people until even Dutch came out of his tent to look at the scene.

“The hell are they doing?” he heard Arthur’s voice by his side.

“I have no idea” he laughed.

Lenny dodged and attacked again and finally succeeded in hitting Emily’s leg.

“Oh no!” she exclaimed and threw herself on the ground.

“Jack! Jack come here! I need you to take my place! Here, take the sword. Fight my faithful friend, fight for my honor!”

Everybody laughed again at her words as Jack took her place in the “fight”.

Arthur chuckled too and took a few steps towards that unusual scene. That girl had had the power to make Lenny play. Lenny, who always did everything in his power to make the others believe he was a grown up man. How had she done it?

“Well, she surely is a better actress than you, Arthur” joked Hosea showing up by his side.

“Yeah, maybe you should take her with you to the next robbery.”

Hosea chuckled.

“Maybe I will.”

...

Finally, Lenny let Jack hit him and, just like Emily had done, he threw himself on the ground and played dead. A loud shout of joy raised from the people around them for Jack’s victory and Emily was delighted by the fact that she had been able to involve all of them in the game.

“Okay, I guess it’s done. Go give the hat back to your daddy. We’ll explore more another day” she said taking Charles’ hat off.

Jack hopped away and she walked closer to Lenny as he was standing up.

“Thank you for playing the game. I didn’t know you were such a good actor” she joked.

“Never good as you” he replied.

“And also thanks to the great shaman, for his infinite patience” she addressed Uncle with another bow.

“My pleasure, dear. You’ll be surprised to know I’ve actually been to Australia.”

“Really? When?” she asked sitting on the log near the campfire.

“Australia? You?” asked Bill making Emily understand he didn’t believe him.

“Why is it so difficult to believe?” she asked.

“Ah! I’m more inclined to believe you come from the future than he’s ever been to Australia.”

“And you’re right, I never did.”

Emily frowned.

“So, you lied?” she asked.

“I’ve never been there, but I tried to. I made it as far as Chicago” answered Uncle.

Emily fixed her eyes on him, trying to understand if he was playing dumb, or he really was, before she busted out laughing. 

“Chicago ain’t nowhere near Australia” exclaimed Bill, who unlike Emily seemed annoyed by Uncle’s words.

“No… but it’s on the way.”

Emily laughed again, louder and longer.

“What’s so fun?” asked Bill.

“You can’t be serious Uncle” she said among the tears.

“Why not? That’s the way for Australia. Maybe one day we’ll all go there and live the rest of our lives as kangaroo farmers.”

Emily couldn’t believe her ears. If those people were outlaws their only crime was lack of common sense!

“Okay, I think I’ll return the hat to Charles” she said standing up and drying her tears. 

She covered the distance to Mr. Smith’s tent still thinking about that crazy conversation she had just had, the road to Australia that passed through Chicago, the kangaroo farmers… That man couldn’t be serious. 

“Here, Charles. Thank you for lending me this” she said at the man as she reached his tent.

He was making some arrows and the thing intrigued her so much that she stopped by his side for a while to look at him working. But of course she didn’t limit herself to watch, she had to ask questions. She asked him everything about making arrows, the type of feathers he had to use, the type of wood, and then she passed to bows, how difficult it was to use one, how difficult it was to make one…

...

Charles had never minded to teach people how to do things and that was the only thing that stopped him from standing up and walk away from her. She was a good girl after all, she just had one flaw: the constant need to speak. 

“I know that Natives learn how to hunt from their horses when they are very young, is that true?” she asked.

“Yeah. How do you know that?” Charles asked in turn. That was his first question.

“I read it somewhere. Is it difficult? To ride a horse, I mean.”

“You can’t do it?”

She shook her head.

“You want to learn?”

“Oh no, for God’s sake. I hate horses.” “What?”

Charles couldn’t believe what she had just said and stopped what he was doing to stare deeply at her.

“I mean… I don’t hate horses, I just don’t like them. They’re dangerous.”

“Who told you that?”

“My father.”

“Has he ever ridden one?”

She seemed to think about it.

“No, I don’t think so.” “So, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” “But they are dangerous.”

“Only if you can’t control them.”

Charles watched her carefully before he took his decision.

“Come, I’ll show you” he said standing up from his chair.

“Show me what?”

“That there is nothing to be afraid of.” “No, Charles, really, I don’t…” “Come” he said and took one of her hands to help her stand.

Arthur had been looking at them from the distance while they were seated one on the chair and the other on the ground. From that little that he knew about Charles, he could perfectly tell he was extremely annoyed by all those questions the girl was asking him, but he was behaving wonderfully, and he didn’t expect nothing less from Charles. 

As he saw them standing up and walking away, his curiosity raised and he moved away from the tree he was laying against to follow them. They reached the external part of camp and he heard Charles saying “wait here” to the girl before he drew closer to the horses.

Arthur took the pack of cigarettes and brought one to his lips, lighting it and taking a puff. Charles came back, leading his horse by the reins. What were they doing? Were they planning to go someplace? Where could Charles possibly take her?

[thattimdrakeguy]

Toxicity, gaslighting, hypocrisy, an overall just bad fandom folks on twitter.

I’m glad I’m not involved with twitter comic fandom cuz the amount of people trying  to make Tim look bad like throwing a fit cuz he’s under too much pressure or like-- not being a saint. While calling characters that constantly murder people or violate human rights “baby” is way too high.

Even just the minor lies are nutty, acting like the 90s edgy art style at the time shows Tim is twisted cuz he looks scary in it-- when it’s just dated art

But then-- complain when people say things out of context for other characters-- when the context doesn't make it better. I really can’t process those people. they confuse me.

Also one of them apparently said Tim being a rich white kid makes him a power fantasy? Which is superficial at best  when applied to Tim given when you read 90s Robin-- (Which I assume they’re complaining about, cuz he still lives away from Bruce then-- cuz otherwise Jason would technically count as a rich kid) Tim is just this dorky kid, who’s scared on  the inside, putting on a brave face and fighting crime and his insecurity problem. He’s not some masculine power fantasy, he’s a relateable kid, his wealth besides being able to spend money in his first mini was even portrayed negatively if any thing sometimes with his dad as having been away for a lot of his childhood and leaving Tim without proper social development and being pretty socially clueless to the point it‘s a problem he has no street smarts.

So pretty much just gaslighting and strawman arguments.

You’re racist if you don’t like Damian.

You hate poor people if you don’t like Jason.

You’re sexist if you don’t like Stephanie.

But I’m someone who still likes Jason a lot even if I don’t like any thing in the Red Hood era not done by Winnick (and even then there’s a scene in Lost Days  that creeps me out), and used to like Damian and Steph, I just stopped liking them because I just found myself realizing I don’t particularly like a lot of their writing.

At the same time as well, isn’t it just more reasonable that people don’t like them cuz of simple taste or their character actions?

Damian does kidnap people and violates people’s human rights currently, and did chemically paralyze and trigger Jon in their first meeting, as well as smacks him for freaking out later on that miniseries.

If you made Steph a dude, more people would be very likely to call Steph a sexual harasser for flirting with Tim past  what he’s comfortable with, even with the knowledge he has a girlfriend. Plus she has shown dangerous cynicism in nearly letting criminals die, and even tendencies found in emotional abusers given her gaslighting, ill-trust, and attempts to go behind Tim's back, and even throwing crap at him while refusing to talk as he’s trying to apologize for some thing he didn’t actually do.

Not even to say Tim is a saint, he’s shown to be insensitive, and condescending, but if you start with his origin and not Red Robin, in my experience it ‘s more likely you’ll read him as a socially oblivious boy scout-esque kid rather than an angsty jerk. Doesn’t make what he did not bad, but just more interesting, because if a character is a saint it‘s boring, and Tim's actual original character makes what he does less offending to people. He has gotten incredibly pissed off at his friends, but ... he’s a literal kid that has to lead other kids with super powers. It‘s bad that he threw fits, but it ‘s never done in a way that makes it feel like “Oh i must hate this character”. Damian is also a kid, but what he does is way more notably offending to some people. He has a bad backstory but it is fiction, people have different standards with specific actions depending on how they feel about it. It‘s not illogical to be fine with a socially oblivious kid being insensitive but not be fine with a character  that consistently does bad things even after they’re aware it‘s bad. 

(Heck, Tim even cheated on his girlfriend, but given how that whole storyline chunk was written, it‘s more out of character and an example of bad writing than anything else, given how Tim feels on the topic of cheating before and after, as well as how much he cared about Ari. It was inconsistent and even the writing breezes past reality with how Ari suddenly agrees to mutually break up. I don’t  believe the story actually treats it fully as cheating either, making it feel like they knew. So it feels more like bad writing than a thing to judge Tim on, because that‘s just something people use to criticize bad writing, quite commonly even with many shows or movies. I can still get why people don’t care. It‘s more of a writing complaint. Like Jason being a serial killer is. It‘s inconsistent, doesn't add up, and isn’t a good reflection of the character.)

If you are fine with it is some thing else, cuz that‘s a matter of tastes.

I actually started calling Tim “baby” cuz Damian fans called Damian baby-- which I find a bit more odd (sometimes honestly just worried given the crap he does in the images they say that to some of the time), cuz while I’m aware Damian is younger obviously, he’s only cute in pandering moments that‘d I’d actually deem ooc, using basic standards that it isn’t consistent with anything before and after, as well as not fitting who the character is or even built up properly if they even try. (Also cuz Aunt May called Peter and friends babies and  thought it was charming). My blog as well is about 90s Tim Drake as well, where’d he’d be a year off of the same age as Damian mainly, I may call him baby past that age, but that‘s just cuz it‘s s tuck in my head now. I really can’t picture calling RR Tim baby in fandom usage of the word (which is  the only way I use it) if that was the only way he’s ever been.

Like with characters I start from the beginning (besides Dick and Bruce cuz gosh that’d take forever) and judge what ‘s in-character from there and read, while noticing development as well as things they’ve done. i didn’t read Red Robin first, I read Robin first. I didn’t read Batgirl first I read her Robin appearances first. When I studied Jason I wen t with his post-crisis Robin run (I deem pre-crisis Jason a different character given so much is different the same way i do with the New 52 teen titans core four generally speaking besides comparing to pre-New 52 versions). When I went to study Damian for stuff I read his first appearances forward much the same. And at one point in time I liked all these characters, I judged them based off of reading them.

So I’m not someone with just a bias-- I’m aware some of my friends do, but I’m not my friends if that wasn’t obvious. I’m friends with some people that like vastly different things than me even.

All I can say in the end is that it bugs me that toxic people have convinced themselves they are some victim while spreading harassment, lies, and gaslighting, because other people just enjoy different things or read things differently.

A lot of these people bother me especially because they frame themselves or the character  they like as some victim they have to defend, and even target specific people over, when they themselves are the ones showing basic toxic behavior. they are the toxic ones yet believe they’re the victim-- cuz someone read a comic differently or didn’t like the same character as them.

That is nuts to me

I’ve even had to deal with similar people since I gotten called a racist for not liking Damian-- when I’ve even mentioned that I’ve liked Damian previously, and explained I simply didn’t like his comic or his writing enough to reasonably like him. Meaning I guess the action of not liking Damian-- in of itself-- is racist, which is gaslighting at best. I’m sure someone out there even hates Damian because they’re racist, but why treat everyone (or at least some notable chunk to be worth talking about) that doesn't like him as if they’re that person?

They’d rather believe that people that don’t like what they do must be terrible people of some kind rather than treat them as normal people.

They’ve even showed hypocritical behavior, by complaining of others not  giving context-- while doing the same thing to other characters.

As I said, I’m not on comic book twitter, I have not even interacted with these people. I’ve just seen it, and it‘s just so toxic to me. It‘s a bad thing to see over fiction.

[multifandomimagin3s]

Snippet; Erron Black x Reader Smut

AN: This is a little piece of the Erron Black x Reader smut that I’ve been working on. This is the more SFW section, but I’ll post the entire fic, including the sexy times, soon!

Summary; Erron has been sent to hunt down the reader, but she isn’t going down without a fight...

It was supposed to be a simple job: hunt down the target and bring them back. He’d done jobs in the past that felt almost impossible, to the degree where he’d considered packing up and leaving. But money was always a great incentive. Erron found himself cursing his hedonism, since the money he was being promised was beginning to be eclipsed by sheer frustration. You were one of the hardest targets he’d ever had to chase - and he’d followed different assassins and criminals from realm to realm, all for the bounty on their heads. It was getting ridiculous. 

There had been a few close calls where he almost had you in his clutches, but yet again, you slipped right through his fingers. It was as if you were toying with him, like an overly confident mouse nipping at the cat’s paws. He had an odd amount of respect for you - there weren’t many people would dare taunt a mercenary in such a way. But, he would not return empty handed. He was Erron Black, and if he wanted to uphold his reputation, then he needed to finish the job. 

You were a thief, he knew that much. And apparently, a very good one at that. According to Kano, you owed a lot of people a lot of money - most of it was either stolen, or was worth its weight in stolen artefacts. It was evident that you’d pissed off a lot of dangerous people, which in turn made Kano interested to make your acquaintance – should you live long enough. It was impressive to say the least, and even more impressive that you hadn’t been caught. Erron would have probably complimented your skills had you not been evading him for the past fortnight. 

“You lost, stranger?” Erron stopped in his tracks, slowly turning his head to peer at you over his shoulder, from the corner of his eye. In that moment, with half his face concealed by a bandana, paired with the shadow that was cast from the lip of his hat over his steely gaze, he looked threatening. Through the grape-vine, there were stories of the gun-slinger’s skills were remarkable yet repelling, which is why you’d taken to avoiding being in the line of fire when he began to hunt you down. 

“Not lost, Darlin’...’M lookin’ for someone,” His answer was very vague but held a sharp edge, as he stared you down. He wasn’t an idiot, years of working in Outworld had made him very wary – anyone could kill if they put their mind to it. And nine times out of ten, they would try. So, naturally, he was going to be standoffish. 

It was important to act aloof and friendly; he couldn’t find out who you were. You plastered a kind smile across your lips: “Who? Maybe I can help you, I know a lot of people around here.” You played coy. Of course you knew who he was looking for, you’d only just managed to shake him off your trail a couple of days prior. But you weren’t going to let him know that - the thrill is in the chase, not the capture. And you’d much rather be alive, not beheaded at the hands of someone you’d wronged.

Well, ‘wronged’ isn’t the correct word. It wasn’t as if you were using the money you’d taken for selfish splurges. If anything, the people you’d stolen from were the selfish ones. They sat in riches, living decadent lives, watching the poor suffer and wither away. It was wrong. 

“Maybe, maybe not - but, no offence, Sugar, I barely trust the people I know - let alone someone I’ve just met,” He pivoted slowly on his heels, taking a few slow steps towards you, the sandy gravel crunching under his boots. There was no denying it - he was a very attractive man. In any other situation, you probably would’ve considered dating him but, for now, he was a threat. A very handsome threat, but a threat nonetheless,” Besides, I wouldn’t wanna drag a pretty, little thing like you into the line of fire.”

“As charming as you are, you don’t need to worry about me - I can take care of myself,” You retorted, arms akimbo,” You just looked like you could use some help, but if you don’t want it then, fine.”

Erron mulled it over in his head, brow quirking in curiosity at your outburst, eyeing your form cautiously. You didn’t appear to be all that threatening, but then again, looks can be deceiving. He knew that all too well - many of the women that he’d been with in the past were beautiful, and angelic; the same women were quick to kick his ass. You were much the same – he could never resist a pretty face – but that gave him all the more reason to be cautious. 

“Have you seen someone roamin’ around these parts; wears a kind of grey unitard, a hood - steals stuff?” 

“This is Outworld, there are thousands of people here - there are probably hundreds who dress like that,” He clicked his tongue at your blunt response. It was true, he needed to be more descriptive. You needed to know how to lead him off your tracks.

“Not like this one, you ain’t,” You stared at him incredulously. It was important not to let on that you knew what he was talking about - he wasn’t stupid. One wrong move, or expression, and it could be all over,”They have abilities – powers.”

“Powers? Like what?” 

He half-shrugged, his guns jangling slightly as they jostled in their hostlers,” Don’t really know, they can control metal – which isn’t handy for a gunslinger. “

Ah, of course he would remember that. The last time he found you, he’d succeeded in backing you into an alleyway, with a dead-end;  in retaliation you had pulled away his weapons from his grasp with your powers, using the butt of his rifle to knock him out cold. Erron pulled down the lower half of his mask briefly to show you the bruised and battered skin of his left cheek; the impact must have been spot on. You feigned shock, sucking in air through your teeth,” Oh, she got you good, didn’t she?”

He paused momentarily, readjusting his mask. A glint danced in the centre of his eyes, a brief chuckle leaving his lips: “Yeah, you could say that,” Well, yeah - he’s the one with the busted face, after all,” You might’a seen her pass through here - she glows green when she’s using her powers, so that ought to make ‘er stick out.”

You shook your head,” Nah, I haven’t seen her -“

“Now, why is it that I don’t believe you?” He was quick to cut you off. Your brows scrunched together in confusion. He couldn’t have figured you out so quickly, could he? He cocked his head, eyes boring into yours; his stare was blank, it was like you were looking into the eyes of a predator.

“Excuse me? I’m trying to help you -“

“You said ‘she.’”

“What are you talking –“

“How did you know I was looking for a woman?”

Fuck.

He chuckled as he noted the recognition in your eyes. Your jaw clenched, facial expression morphing from confusion to displeasure. 

“Finally - I have been chasing your ass for weeks – but fun’s over, and I gotta take you in, Babydoll.”

You grinned with a sardonic chuckle,” Yeah, that’s not happening - sorry to burst your bubble.”

Erron reached for his gun, but was cut short when you jumped forwards, landing a hard punch into his gut. He let out a grunt, making a grab at his holster – only to find it empty. An emerald, ethereal glow emanated from your form, irises glinting a vibrant green. Normally, powerful women were his type - especially ones with a little spice to them. If it weren’t for the fact that he needed to get paid, he would probably be fawning over you. 

“C’mon, Darlin’, this isn’t personal - my ass just wants to get paid,” He tried to bargain, as you spun his revolver around your index finger, the other tucked away into the sash-waistband of your loose, beige trousers. 

“Wow - how convincing; and here I thought we had a little something-something, since you’ve been chasing me around for so long,” You pouted, mockingly,” You know how the saying goes - ‘treat them mean to keep them keen’ - but, I think that’s run it’s race.”

“Business is business, Sweetheart - man’s gotta live,” He took a slow, cautionary step forwards,” You should get that, we’re the same.”

You scoffed,” We are not the same – you are a mercenary, and I’m a thief, we aren’t even in the same playing field.”

“You’ve killed before too, can’t deny that.”

“I’m from Outworld, of course I have – being soft in this world will do you a lot more harm than good.”

The mercenary swung his rifle round over his shoulder, resting the butt in the crook of his shoulder, pointing it at your form. You rolled your eyes,” Erron, we’ve been down this road before – it’s how you ended up with a bruise the size of Texas on your face.”

He huffed,” I know – but I’m just tryin’ to warn you, Darlin’ – I suggest you come with me, before someone else gets to you, there are plenty of people out there that would love to see you hurt, and they aren’t nearly as nice as I am.”

“Aww, how precious,” You jutted your bottom lip out. His eyes narrowed,” You’re worried about me, well, bless your heart.”

His finger twitched on the trigger, it caught your eye instantly. You were obviously chipping away at his self-control. The green glow that surrounded your form began to swirl upwards, growing in intensity as you prepared for his next attack. Erron remained still, gaze lingering on the way your palms began to take on a neon green shade,” Now, I don’t want to hurt you –“

You chuckled bitterly, a ball of energy levitating in the palm of your hand,” Yeah, don’t worry about that too much, Sweetheart.”

[praphit]

CRASH - I promise no race talk

First, let me say that this particular post will be a safe space. No race talk here. Today, we're going to talk a lil "Crash".

This movie came out in 2005; I hadn’t watched it since then. I remembered really liking it. I remembered Ludacris and Larenz Tate stealing the movie as a comedy duo. 

I remembered these two ladies:

(Jennifer Esposito - not the best picture of her, and perhaps that’s partly my fault. She is pissed in this scene... probably because the person whom she is talking to is not me :)

and Bahar Soomekh

(Wait, that’s “Saw 3... hmm... she was in “Saw 3″ btw.)

Let me try again - 

(Nope. Dammit. Still “Saw”)

You get the idea. These two ladies! Yes!

I remembered watching this movie with my then girlfriend, and thinking to myself "As soon as this movie is over, I'm breaking up with her and seeking these two out, to propose to the both of them - this is my destiny."

I remembered something about Saint Christopher, who is apparently the patron saint of travelers. 

He was kinda like an Uber driver (I guess... and by the looks of this depiction, a grumpy Uber driver). He will get you safely to where you'd like to be, as long as you listen to his smooth jazz, questionable philosophies on life, and of course allow him to flirt a lil with you.

Oh, and I remembered Luda getting his ass beat by the dude from "Empire"

- no, not that dude.

This dude - (Terrence Howard).

I believe that anyone who tries to explain what this movie is about will end up sounding like they've had one too many to drink:

"It's about a bunch of people of different races/ethnicities who... have racist stuff happen to them. And they don't know each other, but they're kinda connected... and there's a crash... although it doesn't have much to do with the story... but it kinda does... maybe? Ludacris is in it. He gets his ass beat by that guy from "Empire", but not that guy...  the other guy. Racism sucks, bro."

Trying to explain it is similar to how we'll (years from now) try to explain 2020... or Trump being president.

Let's me try to break it down:

Don Cheadle is Detective Graham Waters (what a name). 

He deals with a lot of race stuff on the job and in cases. Race stuff that I'm sparing you from today (you're welcome:) Annnnd he's banging one of the women whom I thought would be my future wife. 

The first time that we meet HER (another detective), we learn that she's pretty racist.

Side note: Can one be both pretty AND racist? Does the racism overwhelm the pretty face? or vice versa? Would some of us see Trump as being racist, if he looked like Chris Hemsworth?

(and always gave press conferences shirtless)

Sorry, I promised no race talk.

What if Trump looked like this? 

Are presidents allowed to get sex changes?

So, Terrence Howard and Thandie Newton have a racist and perverted encounter with the cops. 

The more I think about it, the more I blame most of the horrible events that take place in this movie on these two cops (and their superiors). Had they worked by better standards, a lot of the bad things that end up happening in this movie wouldn't have happened. Terrence and Thandie have some race stuff going on within their relationship as well (which I won't be talking about :) Brown people also have race fights; whitey doesn't always have to be involved.

I talked about Luda and Tate already. They're kinda like hipsters in a sense (in spirit). They have a racial commentary/banter throughout the whole movie. They're right about the things that they say (which I'm still not talking about). The prob is that they're also criminals.

Sandra Bullock (who's prob the most racist character in the movie) and Brendan Fraser are also doing their thing in this movie.

They're your stereotypical wealthy white couple. Fraser's character is in politics. There's some juicy race stuff there as well. We'll just ignore all of that.

Tony Danza is surprisingly in this just to be racist. Now, TD is before my time, but I remember him being loveable - no?? That's what makes it weird. Kinda like if Stephen Colbert swung through a movie briefly just to drop an N-bomb or something.

Michael Pena is here, because... he's on the short list of Latinos that Hollywood knows. 

I think this movie was his big shot (which he killed). Look him, he’s acting his ass off. His mouth opened so wide... that’s acting! He's also the only character in this movie who's NOT an asshole. He's actually a good guy. Even in the midst of people being very openly racist towards him, he remains calm and collected. He has a daughter who is scared, and so he gives her an invisible cloak that has a supernatural, imaginary ability to make her invulnerable. She then puts it on and immediately runs into traffic... and you know... BOOM!

I'm joking. But, that could have happened. Parents, don't lie to your children.

There's a scene where she does face some danger as a result of this lie. Spoiler alert, she makes it. Maybe it was the power of Saint Chris. Though she appears to be the only one that he saves in this flick. Seems like every time the good ol saint Christopher appears, someone pulls out a gun. Patron Saint of Gun Violence.

Fun fact: Michael Pena is also a scientologist. See, they're not all like T.Cruise - don't be so prejudice:)

Watch, there's going to be a story about some awful scientology weirdness on Pena’s part, the second I post this.

That's uh... not a great summary of the plot. It's an awful summary, actually. If you look up the summary on wikipedia, it pretty much does the same thing I did - just talk through the people involved in this picture.

This movie is like a game of 52 pickup - only the game is played with a deck of race cards.

If you're a person who doesn't think much about race issues, but is open to hearing about them, then this movie will possibly be enlightening for you.

If you're the type of person who has been actively avoiding race talk (and who typically avoids deep talks like that) Then, this def isn't the movie for you.

If you are racist, and somehow keep reading my posts... Imma pray for you, cuz this movie beating you over the head with race is only going to fuel you're... "special, hateful beliefs".

As for me... this time around I was indifferent towards this movie. I can see why I adored this movie back in the day. I enjoy deep talks about this kind of stuff, and we (me and my circle of peeps) prob weren't talking much about these kind of topics, openly, in the early/mid 2000's. But, as a movie... meh.

There is a touching moment when there is a literal crash

wait... 

My finding pics game has been way off today.

CRASH!

There's real humanity. Two characters come face to face with mortality, and all of the bullshit is pushed aside in efforts to secure rescue. But, then, after that moment, we go right back to the bullshit. Nothing really changes. The movie notices that they missed a few race cards, and continue on with their game.

I remember tearing up the first time that I watched this movie. I don't know whether my girlfriend and I were fighting that may have caused those tears. Or maybe her breath was stanky with onions (while trying to make-out with me in the theatre) that brought me to fight some tears. Or maybe 15 years later, I've become a heartless SOB, but outside of that crash scene, the only time I was moved was when Sandra Bullock fell down some stairs.

- moved to laughter.

It still makes me laugh. That's my fav part of the movie for sure. I wish that they had ended the movie there.

She's spread out at the bottom of the steps. And then a silent roll of the credits. It would have made just as much sense as the actual ending. She DOES  however end up being ok, and less racist, as a result... somehow.

So, if any of you know someone who's super racist ("coughtrump") and notice that they're near some steps... do your part. We'll end racism one flight of stairs at a time.

In the end, this movie is about diverse groups of one dimensional assholes, who complain about everything (even the rich, white people... cuz we all know how hard their lives are), and through sappy music and a lack of learning from some contrived moments, make little progress towards peace.

Totally unrealistic. In real life, we get shit done!

Grade: A/D/A

A for the race talk (which hopefully I was successful in not talking about:)

D for... just about everything else...

...  and another A for Sandra Bullock’s tumble down the stairs.

[ty-talks-comics]

Best of Marvel: Week of January 22nd, 2020

Best of this Week: Amazing Spider-Man #38 (Legacy #839) - Nick Spencer, Iban Coello, Brian Reber and Joe Caramagna

I can read the headline now: Spider-Man vs. Fake News.

At least that's what it seems like this next Spider-Man arc will be about as the titular hero has to deal with his "biggest supporter," J. Jonah Jameson, and his new job as a clickbait hound in the age of modern online journalism. Who knows what hijinks will ensue?

This issue exemplified the kind of humor that Nick Spencer excels at: the hilarity of hypocrisy when it comes to some of Spider-Man’s supporting cast. This was best shown in Spencer’s hilarious Superior Foes of Spider-Man (2013) as Boomerang did everything in his power to create a new Sinister Six while selling them out at every turn and not learning from his actions as everyone in his sphere suffered the consequences of his betrayals. Spencer channels that same energy as Jameson has to face the fruits of his journalistic practices in the form of Norah Winters and the new Threats and Menaces blog office.

After Jonah launches into a (Boomer) rant about today's journalists, calling them soft, self-obsessed and lacking the edge that made him what he is, Norah tells her team to sound off about the stories they’re working on. Without missing a beat and with faces of malice, thanks to Coello, they tout their intentionally misleading headlines.

Norah explains that in the age of the 24-hour news cycle, they need to get those clicks by any means necessary and that Jameson was the inspiration for this because of his past headlines calling Spider-Man a menace usually without real evidence. She expects villains to repost it to their audiences and heroes to quote it with malice, giving them more clicks.

Everyone likes to take the piss of millennial journalists and can often come off as cringy, but somehow Spencer, Iban Coello and Brian Reber manage to really capture the essence of modern open architecture office spaces filled with young kids and their kooky hair colors. Coello draws a really good shot of this with the addition of a space for video games, two bright green vending machines and tables full of people either on desktops without dividing walls or on personal laptops. Of course, all of this comes after Jonah is nearly hit by a douchebag riding an electric scooter.

Reber colors everything in contrast to Jameson who wears a professional brown suit. The office itself is brightly lit, all of the freelancers and employees are given brighter clothes with striking reds, pinks, blues and purples. Even the basic Threats and Menaces banner is a bright red, kinda signalling how bad this company might be. It’s really fun to see how out of his element Jonah is among these kids and how much more awful they are in comparison to him… aside from creating supervillains.

As all of this is going on, Spider-Man is robbing a bank. One can see how this might be a problem as Jonah is doing his best to defend Spider-Man to Winters who wants him to write a smearing headline about the crime. Coello and Reber introduce us to the act with an amazingly dynamic splash page of Spidey zipping into the sky carrying bags of cash. The webs are slung so hard that they blur, laser gun blasts almost fly off the pages with vibrant red and orange colors and Spider-Man’s posing makes him look like he’s avoiding danger with ease.

We get a sidestory with Silver Sable trying to regain her strength with the help of (former?) Spider-Man villain, Foreigner, as the two are now lovers. After helping her, Foreigner goes to a secret casino where the use of superpowers is encouraged and there’s betting on the battles between superheroes, villains and everything in between.

Foreigner still maintains his supervillain connections, but he seems to be using it towards helping Sable. Minor supervillain and assassin, Chance, has set up the robbery and casino in order to place bets on Spidey's performance and potential property damage. Of course, he also rigs it so that surprise drones appear to make things harder. As things begin to get hectic, lo and behold we get the best shot in the entire book: J. Jonah Jameson riding in to save Spider-Man on an electric scooter.

Coello and Reber make Jonah look like an absolute mad lad as he rushes into danger without a second thought to save Spider-Man. Fiery explosions ring out behind him, his pose makes him look like he came straight out of a Tony Hawk game and Spider-Man is absolutely shocked at all of this. Legitimately, it’s a really badass panel and one that should go down as one of the best out of context shots in comic history. 

Spider-Man reacts as we would expect, chastising Jonah for putting himself in danger. Jonah retorts that he and Spider-Man were supposed to be a team after Jonah owned up to his some of his worst actions after a gang of supervillains confronted him and Spider-Man earlier in the series. Though he was supposed to keep it secret at the request of his sister, Teresa Parker, Spider-Man reveals to Jonah that the bank he robbed was a front for a criminal organization and that he needed to run because there were too many bad guys. As Jonah flees, he vows to Spider-Man that he’ll make his life easier one way or another.

Soon after, we get an amazing double page spread of Spider-Man taking down these nameless villains as Chance counts down. He thwips, kicks and smashes these clowns over the head with his signature Spidey style before Chance announces that the house wins after Spider-Man takes them all down.

As far as art showcasing goes, Coello, Reber and Joe Caramagna smash it out of the park here. The panels flow as the action moves between Spider-an acrobatic antics and Chance’s excited facial expressions. Colors are rich and switch between explosive oranges to dynamic blue skies. The lettering is truly amazing as every sound effect is emphasized and given proper placement for effect.

Spider-Man wins, but soon gets a call from Teresa, asking him if he knows what Top Secret means. He questions what’s going on and then sees the headline from J. Jonah Jameson exposing the plot and why Spider-Man is a hero for it, accompanied by Jonah raising his arms into the air with childlike excitement. This is gonna be a wacky adventure.

This book was a lot of fun and I’m glad Nick Spencer is writing it. He’s able to bring the funny and really works with his artists to give each issue and story its own identity. None of them feel exactly the same and that’s commendable. With much thanks to Chip Zdarsky, Nick Spencer continues to build on the relationships established in the Spectacular Spider-Man series with Jameson doing his best to repay Peter for all the times he’s called him a menace after revealing his identity to his former biggest antagonist. At the same time, it’s nice that Peter’s also keeping in contact with his sister Teresa, a character that absolutely has a lot more going on that people might expect.

Iban Coello is an amazing artist and makes every page look so dynamic and fun, combined with Brian Reber’s coloring, this is an awesome looking Spider-Man book. Joe Caramagna as always does a stellar job by placing each balloon so that the dialogue is easy to follow without cluttering up the pages, emphasizing words to give every character a unique voice and placing sound effects so that one can almost hear the pages as they turn. I enjoyed all of this immensely.

If there's any criticism I could level at this book, it would be the drawing out of the eventual conflict between Spider-Man and Kindred. I know Nick Spencer is playing the long game and he's very good at it, making me anticipate it with every issue the creepy villain appears in, but there has to be substantial storytelling in the mean time. Hunted was an amazing story from start to finish, but the 2099 crossover left a lot to be desired.

In between, there hasn't been much to rave about. Even the Absolute Carnage crossover and the Sinister Syndicate storyline have been on the lower levels of Spencer's stories during his time on Spider-Man. Sure they were fun, but unlike the absolute hilarity that is the storyline with Boomerang, they feel a bit disjointed from the rest of the stellar story that Spencer is telling. I get a similar feeling from this issue despite how fun it was.

But don’t let my impatience stop you from buying this book!

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

Let’s Read Comics! With Samantha and her girlfriend :D

And this week we’re just buzzing about a story with a real sting in its tail

I swear the actual riff contains Less Bee Puns

Yes it’s a tale of the Justice League vs the Queen Bee aka The Best Justice League Villain Ever

Be warned: the following riff contains gratuitous amounts of Yu Gi Oh Abridged Reference Puns

My Girlfriend: “THE POWER OF A CHRISTMAS BAUBLE I GLUED TO A STICK COMPELS YOU TO OBEY”

Me: I like how it looks like Batgirl is dangling from the Queen’s sceptre like some kind of weird superhero piñata

My Girlfriend: Of course you do…

My Girlfriend: ……

The BEE world?

Me: IT IS A WORLD OF BEES

ALIEN SPACE BEES

THEY CRAVE OUR DELICIOUS HONEY

AND OUR RICH SUPPLY OF NECTAR

My Girlfriend: So are all the alien bees humanoid or?

Me: Strangely enough only the one who is an extremely hot humanoid woman looks human

My Girlfriend: I’m shook

Me: I don’t know about you

But I for one welcome our new Space Bee Queen overlord

And would like to remind her I could be useful in rounding up other humans to toil in her giant bee hives

Our story properly begins with…

My Girlfriend: The Martian Manhunter’s name is WHAT NOW

Me: Doesn’t quite have the same ring to is as J’onn Jonzz does it?

My Girlfriend: So is J’onn not his real name?

How much else have we been lied to about

Me: This actually isn’t the real Martian Manhunter

It’s professor X of the X-men

He painted himself green and ran around the DC universe half naked in a cape for YEARS it’s one of the X-men’s many secret shames

My Girlfriend: But he can walk

Me: Oh Professor X can walk

He pretends to need to the wheelchair so he can park whererever he wants

My Girlfriend: I can believe he would do that

Me: Further proving this is actually Professor X and not the real Martian Manhunter is the fact he’s apparently looking to pick a fight with one of Spiderman’s enemies

My Girlfriend: So much potential copyright infringement in just one panel

Over with Hawkman a similar scene plays out as he freezes in mid-air and plummets like a rock…

Me: Oh no

Not Hawkman

My Girlfriend: Stop

No

Think of the children

Over with Aquaman he’s about to ram a boat full of smugglers with a dolphin declaring “Ram into it and upset their criminal schemes!”

Me: “And then severely injure yourself!

And possibly cause a horrifying oil spill that will harm many of the inhabitants of my watery domain!”

My Girlfriend: Aquaman is the worst undersea ruler ever in the silver age

Me: This is why an absolute monarchy is never a good idea

My Girlfriend: One day Atlantis will realise that true executive power can only derive from a mandate from the masses.

Not some farcical aquatic ceremony

Aquaman ALSO freezes up however…as does Wonder Woman who freezes in the middle of a new years kiss with Steve Trevor

Me: Diana actually isn’t affected at all

She just wanted to get out of having to kiss Steve

My Girlfriend: MORE THAN FAIR

Me: I love how everyone else has legitimate concerns while the Atom is just  terrified of another round of broken dishes and hurtful words from his Utterly Horrible Wife

My Girlfriend: This being Jean Loring I can absolutely understand why he’s terrified of pissing her off

She makes Katie Hopkins look kind and rational

Me: I realise Jean Loring once murdered one of her friends by stepping on her brain

But I still don’t feel she deserves to be compared to Katie Hopkins

My Girlfriend: On a subject less unpleasant than the “Relationship” of emotional abuse and unhealthy codependence the Atom is in: what the hell is a trumpeteer gang?

Me: Personally I like to hope it’s a gang who use CRIME TRUMPETS to commit daring robberies while dressed up as a marching band

My Girlfriend: I had the mental image of a roving gang of clones of Donald Trump

Me: ONE IS ALREADY TOO MANY

As the Atom also succumbs to the strange energies of This Months Plot, we check up on the person responsible for all this…Queen Zazalla, aka the Queen Bee!

My Girlfriend: She needs to do what with her what now

Me: (Yu Gi Oh Abridged Marik voice) THE JUSTICE LEAGUE MUST OBEY HER ROD

My Girlfriend: Don’t do that voice

Me: (Still doing the Marik voice) FOOLISH FOOLS!

THE ENERGY OF MY SHINY ROD COMMANDS YOU TO HEED MY ORDERS!

My Girlfriend: nO

Me: MIND SLAVES

My Girlfriend: So why exactly is the Queen Bee waving a vibrator around and calling it “Her Rod”

Me: IT’S A BACK MASSAGER HONEST

While the Queen Bee recharges her outer space marital aid, we cut to…

My Girlfriend: Barbara

You can just say “He’s climbing a wall”

He’s not “Bat-roping” he is just climbing a wall

Me: INCORRECT

Whenever Batman does anything with anything you must put “Bat” in front of it

He is not merely climbing a wall…he is bat-climbing a bat-wall with his bat-rope

As observed by Batgirl

On her batbike

My Girlfriend: I am telling you right now to Bat-stop

Me: BAT-NEVER

However in the next instant Batman proceeds to shrink down to tiny size…grow insect wings…and fly off

All of which prompts a surprised Batgirl to get out her “multi colour tracking device” to follow him

Me: I love how Batgirl’s reaction is just so blasé here

My Girlfriend: She is, at most, mildly surprised by this turn of events

Me: Her reaction is more appropriate to finding out you got a PS4 for your birthday than to what we just witnessed

My Girlfriend: “Hmmmmmmm

One of my friends appears to have turned into a tiny insect monster

How peculiar”

Me: MOST UNORTHODOX

My Girlfriend: I think the fact her “Colour Finder” is a rainbow is her subconscious trying to tell her something about her sexuality

Me: You mean her Bat-subconscious is trying to tell her something about her Bat-sexuality

My Girlfriend: I most definitely do not

Me: Again, Batman isn’t SURPRISED that someone has transformed himself and all his Bat-friends into insect creatures

He’s just curious who it is this week

My Girlfriend: “Oh god what now…”

Me: BATMAN HAS SEEN SOME SHIT

As we already know it’s Queen Bee whose behind it…and she greets them, re-introducing herself as “Queen Zazalla the Immortal!” which the League takes exception to as the last time they met her Green Lantern fixed it so she couldn’t drink the Immortality Serum she had them steal

My Girlfriend: THAT’S their first question?

Not HOW she did this

Not why she did this

They’re just going to quibble about a royal title she gave herself?

Me: THE PEDANTIC LEAGUE OF AMERICA

The Queen Bee, like any good villain, is happy to monologue to the League explaining everything…

Me: “I’m going to DRINK MYSELF INTO IMMORTALITY!

JUST LIKE JOHNNY DEPP”

My Girlfriend: The last time the League saw someone this desperate to open a bottle and get at its contents it was when they were called on to put a stop to Mel Gibson’s latest act of road rage

Me: When she’s not turning people into bee people the Queen Bee can often be found being forced to leave the local TGI Fridays while insisting that the jagermeister she’s knocked back has made her indestructible

My Girlfriend: Followed by angry shouts of “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”

Me: Whose going to tell her that’s actually just strawberry schnapps

My Girlfriend: I like how the Green Lantern corps are incapable of overcoming their rings yellow weakness…but this deranged bee woman did it in an afternoon

Me: The Green Lantern corps considers Hal Jordan the greatest green lantern of them all…should we be THAT surprised that they’re incompetent?

My Girlfriend: I stopped being surprised by anything they did after you made me read that Star Sapphire story

Me: (Doing the Marik voice again) “OBEY ME, ROD!”

My Girlfriend: Samantha did you pick this story just so you could do that Terrifying Impression the whole afternoon

Me: NYEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

My Girlfriend: That’s not a convincing denial

Me: Unfortunately this story does not involve Zazalla challenging the league to a childrens card game

My Girlfriend: A missed opportunity…

So why DOES the Queen Bee need the league?

Well….

My Girlfriend: The mighty Justice League

Perfectly willing to leave someone trapped in a horrifying fate worse than death

Unless there’s something in it for them

Me: “Sure we COULD stop you spending eternity completely paralysed

By why SHOULD we?”

My Girlfriend: “We might have considered saving you from a nightmarish existence but you were very rude to us”

Queen Bee reveals that if they don’t help her they will all become paralysed for eternity as well which gets the League to agree to help…

Me: “Well, if it’s in our own selfish self interest to help you I guess we can…”

Me: Some real altruism there

Me: IF THEY DON’T HELP HER SHE’S TAKING THIS WHOLE STORY TO THE SHADOW REALM

The Queen Bee proceeds to explain that she needs the League to seek out certain strange items throughout the galaxy so she can be immortal WITHOUT being turned into a lawn ornament

My Girlfriend: So she’s assembled the most powerful heroes on earth

To go on what is essentially a very dangerous scavenger hunt

Me: This kind of thing happened to the league ALL THE TIME back in the silver age

You’d be surprised

My Girlfriend: No wonder Hal Jordan lost his mind

However the Queen Bee’s space ship warns her of Batgirl’s approach and…

Me: Batgirl’s expression here says it all I think

My Girlfriend: This picture truly is worth a thousand words

And every one of those words are “What the fuck am I seeing”

Me: “I am just a costumed detective and WHAT IS THIS”

My Girlfriend: She really should have known when she saw the beehive spaceship she was in that type of story

Me: Still her actual “O.O” face here is more than justified I think given what is happening here

My Girlfriend: From what I’ve read of your Birds of Prey comics

I don’t think Barbara will mind a scantily attired woman using her powerful magical rod on her

Me: IT’S A BACK MASSAGER HONEST IT REALLY IS

My Girlfriend: She needs to charge her rod up

Something tells her that Batgirl will be able to take the full power of her rod and still come back for more

Me: LUCKILY IT HAS THREE SETTINGS

TO MAKE BATGIRL SUBMIT

So while Zazalla charges up her rod and plots to make Batgirl obey it, we see…THIS

Me: I present to you

The greatest fight scene ever drawn in a published comic

My Girlfriend: Is

Is she clubbing The Flash into a concussed stupor

Using the Atom as a blunt instrument?

Me: SHE WILL BEAT A MOTHERFUCKER

WITH ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKER

My Girlfriend: Now we know where Mary Marvel got the idea

Me: Your setting a bad example for the youth here Babs

But before Barbara can use any more of her friends as blunt instruments with which to kill each other…

Me: This is quite possibly the first and hopefully only time that the Flash used his “Super speed vibrations” to defeat an enemy like this

My Girlfriend: The face Babs is making here

Speaks volumes

Me: There is a good chance that she was just Orgasmed Into Defeat here

My Girlfriend: It’s hard to keep track of the number of fetishes happening all at once in this single panel

Me: You definitely get the feeling that reading this issue inspired more than one artists interests

My Girlfriend: Chris Claremont would be proud

Me: I also love that the others were all reluctant to fight Babs

And then there’s Bruce whose just

SUPER CHEERFUL about beating his friend and ally senseless with his tiny bat fists

My Girlfriend: You don’t have to be so happy about it Bruce

YOU DICK

Queen Bee shrinks Babs down to insect size with her Outerspace Rampant Rabbit and explains that since there’s a risk of becoming immobile if she goes after these items she’s sending them in her place

Me: So she rules an ENTIRE PLANET

But rather than send her loyal subjects

She’s going to trust this crucial life saving mission

To her WORST ENEMIES

My Girlfriend: I think the Queen Bee just wanted an excuse to shrink the League into insect people

Me: You can admit that this is just your fetish, Zazalla

You can admit this is a sex thing

My Girlfriend: We will not kinkshame

Queen Bee assigns the teams, cautioning them that each mission presents its own “Special problem”

What kind you ask?

My Girlfriend: Well that planets doomed

Me: It’s best chance to survive is Hal Jordan

The planets population might as well just commit mass suicide now so they can get it over with quick

GL and Atom’s story is the one we follow first and as they arrive on this planet…

Me: Okay

Hal Jordan literally NEVER SHUTS UP about his ring being powerless against the colour yellow

So what planet does Zazalla send him to?

The only planet on her list

Where the inhabitants and their weaponry are ALL BRIGHT YELLOW

My Girlfriend: She doesn’t value Hal Jordan’s survival very highly

And would you?

Me: I’m starting to think this space scavenger hunt is just her way of messing with the League when she’s bored

And waiting for her rod to recharge so she can use it on herself while she replays footage of her fight with Wonder Woman

My Girlfriend: That rod has been there for her on many lonely nights

Hal Jordan gets knocked out because of course he does…so it falls to the Atom to save the day

My Girlfriend: I have yet to read a single comic with you

Where this jackass was anything other than monumentally ineffectual

Me: True fact: In the silver age Hal Jordan got concussed SO OFTEN that that’s how John Stewart became a Green Lantern…normally a space sector only has one GL but Hal was unconscious so often the Guardians decided they needed someone to do his job for him when he’s knocked out

My Girlfriend: I can believe that

Me: Man with the most powerful weapon in the universe on his index finger…powerless against gnomes with sticks

Man with the power of becoming very small?

Able to take them all on at once

My Girlfriend: Maybe the Justice League should go with their idea to fire Hal Jordan and replace him with someone more competent and intimidating

Like the Condiment King

My Girlfriend: “Gee I guess it makes sense that these innocent people I’m beating the shit out of are a bit angry about the planetary genocide I’m about to commit

But I’ll just go on walloping them anyway”

Me: It’s okay that he’s planning to kill all these people because he’s Just Following Orders

My Girlfriend: That Makes Everything Okay Then

Meanwhile and I swear we’re not making this up, Hal Jordan nearly falls to his death…because he FORGOT HE HAS WINGS

Me: HE FORGOT

HE FORGOT

That an alien bug woman from a distant galaxy

Gave him insect wings that enable him to fly

My Girlfriend: Well that’s such a mundane and ordinary thing who can blame him for letting it slip his mind

Me: “Oh that’s right!

I’m currently a monstrous bug man…how silly of me to forget that for a minute there!”

Hal Jordan unfortunately survives and proceeds to…well

My Girlfriend: He sure is downright GLEEFUL about getting to beat up innocent people

Me: Well I mean he’s basically a space cop

Should we be surprised?

My Girlfriend: “Now remember Atom if anyone asks they started this”

Me: “PLANT THE WEAPONS ON THEM RAY”

My Girlfriend: “Hal, we don’t have to

These ones actually WERE armed when we attacked them”

Me: “Super!

Makes my job that much easier”

Me: I guess whatever else his many many flaws

At least Hal actually had a plan to save this planet

Atom was straight up just going to BLOW THE PLANET UP

My Girlfriend: Hal Jordan is a better person than somebody?

This is a dark day for the League

Me: I love how Atom apparently only needs  a little bit of encouragement from a friend to decide it’s okay to murder billions of people…and when I say love it I mean hate it

My Girlfriend: His portrayal in Cry for Justice is looking less and less out of character

Me: Now do you want the good news or the bad news?

My Girlfriend: ….

Good news

Me: Okay the good news is they save the planet!

The bad news is

Me: It leads to the single worst panel you will ever see with your own two eyes

My Girlfriend: WHAT IS HE COVERED IN

WHAT IS THIS

Me: This is going to haunt me for the rest of my natural life and beyond

My Girlfriend: I do not want to know what was going through the mind of the artist who drew this

Me: Hal Jordan did what he does best

Lose consciousness

My Girlfriend: it’s the closest thing he has to a skill

Also

Why does Superman think that an inanimate orb is going to attack them?

Me: BECAUSE IT IS

And yep sure enough the orb comes to life and starts zipping around and leading to this shameful display

My Girlfriend: Superman and the Flash face the ultimate test: Can they outthink a ball?

Me: Amazingly the answer to that question appears to be “No they cannot”

My Girlfriend: So why exactly has the Queen Bee sent them to get the Golden Snitch for her?

Me: TO STOP GRYFINDOR WINNING THE HOUSE CUP FOR A CHANGE

LET HUFFLEPUFF HAVE A TURN YOU BASTARDS

The duo try and fail to catch this Glowing Lawsuit from JK Rowling waiting to happen finally resulting in…

Me: “We have to accept our limitations Superman!

It was sheer folly to think that we could defeat a Very Fast Ball”

My Girlfriend: All they have to call on is superhuman speed that lets them break the time barrier

And gifts that make them mightier than any living being in the universe

This challenge is just too much for them

Me: Is it most depressing that they’re strategy here is “We need to outthink a ball”….or that doing so presents a CHALLENGE

My Girlfriend: No one is coming out of this story looking great

Superman’s plan involves “Herding the ball” and he declares that they have to be “Sneaky about this…like sheepdogs herding a flock of lambs!”

My Girlfriend: …..

………

Clark didn’t grow up on a farm that had animals then

Me: From his knowledge of how sheep dogs work no, no he did not

My Girlfriend: Sheep dogs aren’t actually SNEAKY about herding sheep Clark

Sheep dogs are pretty direct

Me: Also they herd SHEEP

NOT LAMBS

My Girlfriend: It’s right there in the name

The two succeed though and…  

Me: IT’S TOO HOT

My Girlfriend: HOT DAMN

Over with Green Arrow and Batgirl they’re getting some weird Alien Space Liquid into flasks when…

Me: Actually that’s not female intuition that’s Batgirl’s Asshole Sense…it tingles whenever a privileged douchebag is about to make extremely sexist comments

My Girlfriend: In the silver age?

It must never stop tingling

Me: Especially when she’s around this imbecile

It turns out Batgirl is right to be freaked out because there’s a slightly worse menace than the threat of passing out from the heavy odour of Drakkar Noir wafting from Green Arrow…namely the fact that the trees are alive and proceed to ATTACK THEM

Me: THEY HAVE ANGERED TREEBEARD AND HIS WOODLAND FRIENDS

My Girlfriend: We can now add “Tentacles” to the laundry list of fetishes in this story

Me: Let the artists go home to their partners once in a while for the love of god DC

Batman to the rescue though! With…

Me: “I thought Batman doesn’t use guns”

My Girlfriend: “This isn’t a gun

It’s a highly powerful laser…device”

Me: “A laser DEVICE”

My Girlfriend: “A device that fires a laser yes”

Me: “So you might say it’s a laser GUN”

My Girlfriend: “NO BECAUSE I NEVER EVER USE GUNS

Now free me or I’ll set this whole forest on fire with my laser…gadget”

So as Batman heroically threatens to murder a sentient race with a laser gun, the trees COME TO LIFE and beg Batman not to harm the life giving pool they need how does the league respond?

Me: GREEN ARROW

CHAMPION OF JUSTICE

BRAVELY THREATENING TO MURDER AN INNOCENT BEING FOR PROTECTING ITS WORLD FROM THREE INVADING WEIRDOES IN COSTUMES

My Girlfriend: These three showed up on these peoples planet

Started stealing the liquid they require just to live

And then try to murder them

How and why are they the stories heroes

Me: Well they’re the Justice League of AMERICA after all

What’s more American than invading a sovereign land, stealing its resources and then calling its people monsters for trying to stop them

My Girlfriend: Columbus would be proud

Fortunately Batman is slightly less bloodthirsty than Oliver is, and…

Me: I’d question HOW AND WHY he just has these in his utility belt

My Girlfriend: Batman has everything in his utility belt

EVERYTHING EXCEPT PARENTS

Me: BABE TOO SOON

My Girlfriend: I love his disappointed Batgirl and Oliver look

Over not getting to murder someone

Me: “You mean I don’t get to kill someone today?

Your taking all the fun out of being a costumed vigilante Bats”

My Girlfriend: “Oliver what is it with you and murder…”

Returning home with their missions completed the Leaguers find…

Me: She’s wisely kept her Millenium…I mean um “Magno Nuclear Rod” in defence mode

My Girlfriend: I think Batgirl is wishing she would play her in Face Down Position

Me: I AM SURE I CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT YOU MEAN

IT SOUNDS VERY LEWD

My Girlfriend: And you are NEVER lewd

Me: NEVER

Atom’s “Plan” such as it is is basically to just do exactly what Zazalla asked them to and then “Maybe she’ll keep her word” and release them

My Girlfriend: “I’m sure we can trust her to be honourable and fair in her dealings with us”

Me: “I mean if we can’t trust the megalomaniacal bee woman who wants to enslave the entire universe for all eternity and rule it as an undying tyrant until the end of time who can we trust”

My Girlfriend: Even Mohinder Suresh would look at this man and go “Good lord you are GULLIBLE”

And so we get…

My Girlfriend: “DRINK ZAZALLA DRINK!

AND WE SHALL LET YOU PLEDGE OUR SORORITY”

Me: Batgirl hastily adds that she has to let her spank her with a paddle first though

You know

As hazing

My Girlfriend: Yes

HAZING

Me: “NONE BUT I CAN COMMAND MY ROD!

NOW

WHO WANTS A HUG”

My Girlfriend: DO NOT ACCEPT OFFERS OF HUGS FROM THIS WOMAN

Me: SHE’LL HUG YOU ALL SOON ENOUGH

IN YOUR SLEEP

Me: ATOM

TAKE YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF HER SHINY ROD

My Girlfriend: Okay that is the absolute last Yu Gi Oh Abridged reference I’m allowing in this riffing

Me: I HAD MY FUN

My Girlfriend: So I’m clear

The Atom’s plan that he gambled all their lives on

Was essentially just a purse snatching

Me: YES

That is literally the best plan that a superhero and supposed Genius Scientist could come up with

Snatch and grab

My Girlfriend: It’s a miracle anyone is left alive on this planet

Me: “Never again will we be dominated by a powerful woman with a buzzing rod”

The Atom boldly claims

Little realising that this is just a normal Friday night for Batgirl when she gets Black Canary all to herself for a “Superhero Team Up”

My Girlfriend: Batgirl would very much like to take the Queen Bee’s magical space rod back home with her

For testing

Me: VERY THOROUGH TESTING AND INTENSE EXAMINATION

My Girlfriend: “You can have it back when the batteries run out”

And what of the Queen Bee?

Me: AND SO OUR HEROES BRAVELY PARALYSE A WOMAN AND CONDEMN HER TO THE SINGLE MOST HORRIFIC FATE IMAGINABLE

My Girlfriend: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Final Thoughts

My Girlfriend: NO REALLY WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

They are going to leave her COMPLETELY PARALYSED FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE

Me: I don’t think she can even BLINK in that state

My Girlfriend: WHY

PRISONS EXIST

She’s a woman with bee things and a Magic Vibrator for gods sake just put her in jail

You don’t have to destroy her life

Me: Honestly the “Heroes” came out of this story looking FAR FAR WORSE than the villain did

Like

This story makes the League look like COMPLETE MONSTERS

My Girlfriend: Zazalla’s “Evil” is limited to wanting to live forever and Commit Bee Crimes

The League considers omnicide and genocide in the course of this story and then settles for “Just” trapping the Queen Bee in a living hell for the rest of her life

Me: If it cheers you up the Queen Bee does get better and regain mobility

She then proceeds to indulge in some extremely lesbian villainy against Wonder Woman in which she attempts to “Enslave her to her will”

My Girlfriend: That DOES make me feel better lets read that story next time

Me: She also teams up with Alexander the Great to fight Superman because of Course She Does

My Girlfriend: Did anything NORMAL happen in the silver age of comics

At any point

Me: Babe

Even bank robbers in the silver age DCU are armed with “Cold Guns” and exploding spinning tops

You know the answer to that question  

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: Hey Janis: you alright? Jimmy: Are you? Janis: Obviously stressing over what to wear for community service 😱😱 Janis: nah, just the standard bullshit though, nothing unexpected or that I can't handle Jimmy: that's a good shout, I heard there's gonna be a dickhead there with a 📷 and nowt to do cos he's too 😎🚬 to do what he's told Janis: Oh God, sounds like the worst Janis: 👍 for the warning, mate Jimmy: 👍 Janis: Go on then, answer for an answer Jimmy: what are you asking? Janis: I've already asked, are you alright? Jimmy: I ain't 😭 over picking up litter, clean tables every day, me Janis: 'course Janis: 💕 it so much you wanna do it for free, right Jimmy: The CG's wage ain't nowt to write up north about Jimmy: 💔💰🎻 Janis: I'm glad you've not got a family back home you're tryna support with coffee beans Janis: might make me almost feel bad, and I can't give my family the satisfaction so fuck you, like Jimmy: that you know of Jimmy: could have a 👶 in every mine Jimmy: fit as well as mysterious, like Janis: No one is fit enough they need to reproduce on an already overpopulated planet Janis: not even you, new boy 🤷 Jimmy: never said they were wanted 👶 Jimmy: in that part of the country, who isn't an unloved bastard Jimmy: 🗬🖋 Janis: obviously Janis: in this country we had to go to yours to really do fuck all about it for 50 odd years Janis: and who wants to go to Liverpool, honestly 🤢 Janis: least if you drag it up might contribute to your funds eventually Jimmy: You don't wanna go dig up that one band they're a bit famous for then? Jimmy: proper pissed on my #datenight plans that Janis: had enough ✌ & 💕 to last a lifetime, soz Janis: photoshop me in Jimmy: but have you had enough 👻🥊? Jimmy: think on, dickhead Janis: plenty 'round here for that Janis: though too many memebers of my family are still unfortunately living so Jimmy: UGH you NEVER wanna do the things I WANNA DO!! 😣😣 Janis: 😏 fine, jump bail with me and smuggle aboard the next ferry Janis: if you're gonna be a nag, like Jimmy: now you're 🗨 Jimmy: won't have to swap you for Asia for a bit Janis: Get her to guess the band, that'd be insightful Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: Get her to do your community service, might get hit by a car or kidnapped by the twat driving long as he's got 🍬 Janis: Your attempt to get to spend more time with her is blatant Janis: 💔 she didn't show to your party, Gatsby? Jimmy: I'm just so 😍😍😍😍 soz mate Jimmy: and yeah tah for the salt in my wounds Janis: Poor boy Janis: 'least her boyfriend didn't shoot you, swings and roundabouts Jimmy: why you saying that like it's a good thing? Jimmy: born ready to ⚰ Janis: he'd not shoot me Janis: 😇 that I am Janis: wouldn't be fair Jimmy: he'd probably miss, any road Jimmy: leave me with a scar that does nowt but make me more fit and more mysterious Janis: 🙄 see, a good thing Janis: no one needs that, least of all you, so shy and retiring really, yeah Jimmy: ✔ Janis: don't you leave me on read, dickead Jimmy: or what? Janis: I won't send you a postcard when I get to where I'm really going Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: but gonna be I'm #living for the picture on the front Janis: Wish you were here has never been faker Jimmy: 💕 Janis: Wonder who grassed Jimmy: 💰 on 💀👑 Janis: Not a bet I'd take on 'cos probably Jimmy: that or your 🤵💍 wasn't as into 💔 as he reckoned he would be Jimmy: soz sir Janis: married to the job Janis: shoulda known Janis: not his school, like Jimmy: not like I fucked you on his desk, he got off way easier than he were 🗬🤤 Janis: All talk Janis: like all lads Jimmy: Oi Janis: Would you like me to tell you you're different Janis: you don't say much so it isn't untrue, on that count Jimmy: you've only got the one job, rich girl, do you seriously need me to tell you how to do it? Janis: I shouldn't put community service on my LinkedIn? 🤔 Janis: damn Jimmy: gutting I know Jimmy: you'll look proper fit in the jumpsuit an' all, all that possible promo just pissed up the wall Janis: shut up Janis: shit, I didn't ask Janis: what is gonna happen with your actual job? Janis: could you make the hours work without needing to let on to them or what Jimmy: it'll get out Jimmy: more 💰 on 💀👑 Janis: Time how long it takes her to be in your inbox with the 🖤mail Janis: make you her personal bitchboy for life Janis: ugh Jimmy: I'll just tell 'em, either they'll want me to do my shifts round it or they won't Janis: yeah Janis: sorry Jimmy: for what? Janis: if you get sacked Jimmy: dickheads need lattes all over town Janis: true Janis: shame if you don't even get a reference out of the experience though Jimmy: not sure I want one from a knobhead who's never there and reckons my name's Jamie though Janis: still devastated Janis: but not about me, being supportive Jimmy: he could be my fall guy, weren't me it were all him, shady twat Jimmy: never even set foot in a school, me Janis: Get your coworker to alibi Jimmy: he'd obvs only do it if you asked him Jimmy: like owt else Janis: don't do yourself down, babe Janis: he specifically said you seem like 'a chill guy' Jimmy: I were dragging you down if I were doing owt, babe Jimmy: but alright Janis: yeah well you've called me a slag before Janis: not news Jimmy: Have I? Jimmy: don't sound like me that Jimmy: always keep it #goals Janis: yeah, you weren't being very 'chill' either Janis: but he don't have to know Jimmy: #whenshekeepsyoursecrets Janis: every battered wife knows the drill Jimmy: @iantaylor8 Jimmy: 🤞 lad Janis: wouldn't worry, 🐷 do fuck all 'cept protect one of their own Janis: #ladsladslads Jimmy: @ my other co-workers Jimmy: been busted lads Janis: brothers in brews Janis: such a strong bond Janis: 🤞 Jimmy: making me emotional tbh Jimmy: 👮🚔💕 Janis: gotta beat real siblings, like Jimmy: speaking of, you reckon they'll let me take the 🐕 with me? Save me a job Janis: Worth asking Jimmy: 👍 Janis: I've gotta beg the speakers back from 'em so Janis: class first impressions Jimmy: I'll do it, soft lad is obvs the first impression I make as standard Janis: you saying you can bat your eyelashes better than me? Jimmy: duh Jimmy: mine are well longer than yours Janis: fuck off Jimmy: 📏 matters, Janet Janis: you'd know, fat bitch Jimmy: 😱😱😱😱 Jimmy: just 'cause I've got better tits than you, no need to start a scrap Janis: Tits don't count if you only got 'em 'cos you're obese Janis: ask your girlfriend Jimmy: I will Jimmy: properly miss her so any excuse for a 🗨 Janis: you deserve each other, truly Jimmy: Tah, my dear Janis: so you'll be pleased to know you'll be spending less time with me from now on Jimmy: why? Janis: my parents have really leaned into the narrative and have decided you're the enemy Jimmy: Bill's 👻 must've had a word Janis: Yeah Janis: might've mentioned the joyride just to really fuck 'em off and all Jimmy: You wanna call things off then? Jimmy: it weren't part of the plan, them getting Shakespearean about it Janis: nah, fuck that Janis: they'd be doing it regardless, decided they should finally give the whole parenting thing a go Janis: just saying the story can be we're being cruelly kept apart Janis: not that I'm planning to stay locked in my fucking tower actually, already made my first break so Jimmy: Alright Janis: sound more buzzing you don't have to see me, could you Jimmy: 😁😆😄 Jimmy: there you go Janis: 💕 Janis: so sweet Janis: I won't shout about my MIA status, wouldn't be #goals for you to not know where I am Jimmy: do owt for you, you know it and it's obvs vice versa Jimmy: you just proved it there Janis: 'course Janis: will say it was me and hot barista that planned it all if you need Jimmy: bollocks are you taking credit for my idea Janis: I did the heavy work Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: that's the fakest thing you've ever tried to make sound real Janis: excuse me Jimmy: you heard Janis: don't chat shit Janis: We both pulled it off but we can throw him under the 🚎 Janis: you've already taken Jamie away from me Janis: what's the point now Janis: save yourself Jimmy: shut up Janis: do you love him? Jimmy: Do you? Janis: yeah Janis: one convo and bam Janis: actually that 😍 bitch Jimmy: 💔 Jimmy: I'll see myself out Janis: 'til 💀 do us part, dickhead Jimmy: that'll be you and Mr Lucas Jimmy: I'd remember if I'd been down on one knee Janis: me too Janis: so hard done by Janis: 💔 Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: you cool with being done that dirty Janis: 📏 counts for shit when you lack enthusiasm Jimmy: ain't the first time Janis: shh Janis: don't need to know how often you were down on your knees, tah Jimmy: that don't bode well for our insta q&a Janis: fake rock my world some more then Janis: selfish Jimmy: I'll climb to the top of your white tower any time, girl Jimmy: you're the one MIA Janis: Only at night Janis: gotta be up bright and early for our date 💕 Jimmy: I don't think fucking on a pile of rubbish we've just collected would be considered very #goals but I'll give it a 🥇 spin Janis: there's no way 'round how unapproved all this criminal activity is Janis: still worth it Jimmy: Dunno about you but I'm 👏🏆 in every DM Jimmy: that 😎🚬 rep been set proper in stone now Janis: Lucky you Janis: I've been too busy getting lectured Jimmy: poor baby Janis: I know Jimmy: What can I do to make you feel better? Janis: down you go Jimmy: Alright Janis: I don't know though Jimmy: ⏲ Janis: You in a rush too? Jimmy: Got loads of other girlfriends to 👀 Janis: how many fakes one though Jimmy: That'd be telling Janis: so go on Jimmy: Why would I? Janis: have multiple fake girlfriends or tell me about the others Jimmy: Well? Janis: you could get them all to do different shit for you Janis: potential there Janis: idk why you wouldn't tell me if you did though, not like it'd fake break my heart Jimmy: There's your answer then Jimmy: not gonna give away secrets you don't give a shit about hearing Jimmy: what kind of power move Janis: You want to fake break my heart Jimmy: Why would I wanna go off script? Jimmy: The plan is you break mine Janis: I know Janis: not likely to forget what we're doing here Jimmy: Don't forget to tell me how to make you feel better then Jimmy: it's obvs all I'm breathing for Janis: just as obvs I don't really care about any of the Drama™ Janis: as long as I've got you Jimmy: 💕 Janis: just as obvs that I wanna know where you are 'cos I'm bored and dunno where to go or what to do Jimmy: [sends her a pic of him at the park by his house like oh hey] Janis: 😍 Janis: obvious, if the dog isn't with you then I'm not really interested Jimmy: [a pic of Twix because of course] Janis: colour me convinced Janis: we should probably show the fans a united front anyway right Janis: not turned on each other soon as the law got involved, like Jimmy: 🖌☻ Jimmy: not racist if it's your happy colour, right? Janis: 😂 Janis: it's NOT a free pass but Janis: not mad about it, don't tell Jimmy: 😅😅 Janis: it was alright though Janis: the party Janis: aside from doing what we set out to achieve Jimmy: Yeah Jimmy: I might throw another one Jimmy: maybe it'll be my rep next place I end up Janis: 🦋 Jimmy: 🤡 probably getting closer Janis: no fit and mysterious but Janis: maybe the next place will have less cunts Jimmy: could be fit and murderous Jimmy: 🤡🔪🔪 Janis: 🙏 Janis: keep my 👀 on the news Jimmy: I'll give you a shoutout, baby Jimmy: write your name in blood or something Janis: Carve it in a victim so I know you remember it 💘 Janis: 🤤🤤 Jimmy: like I said, owt for you, Jules Janis: Thanks Janis: just tell me when you're gonna murder-suicide Janis: can't stay dying here forever Jimmy: I promise Janis: Good Janis: 💀💕 Jimmy: 👻💕 Janis: gonna have to get as far out of this place as I can before I go Janis: refuse to be stuck haunting this shithole for eternity Jimmy: #same Jimmy: though I dunno where's gonna be any different Janis: anywhere you don't know anyone and they don't know you Janis: I reckon Jimmy: that's here for me Jimmy: still don't 💕 it Janis: you'll have to go back home then? Janis: don't know how you're getting through customs as a wanted man but you'll make it happen Jimmy: fuck that Jimmy: if that's where my heart's meant to be you can actually 🔪 it out Janis: would LOVE to have your heart Janis: ultimate goals amirite Jimmy: you can take it then Janis: hot Janis: seeing as everywhere on earth is shit then, shall we just go straight to hell? Jimmy: You said you were going 😇☁ Janis: hold onto your 😎 'cos it's the same place Janis: truth is, just a fucking bummer if you're 😈 Jimmy: What? Janis: heaven and hell are the same place, some people reckon Janis: what could be more torturous than constant classical music and having to wear white for someone so fit and mysterious? Janis: you're gonna be 💔 baby Jimmy: How could you!? Jimmy: pissed on my afterlife Janis: So soz Janis: can always subscribe to reincarnation, might be a laugh Jimmy: 🦍 actually Jimmy: Dan would be so 😍😍 Janis: 😂 Janis: Ahh Dan Jimmy: OMG you can be a 😳🐷 #fated Janis: Shut up Janis: I'm not being breakfast Jimmy: Or a 🦇!!! Janis: That's more appealing Janis: I'd do that Janis: give fuckers rabies amongst other awful diseases Jimmy: such a romantic, you Janis: you just need to avoid hunters Janis: you can be chilling up trees, when you're not kidnapping ladies Jimmy: protect me when I'm 💤 babe Janis: Cute Janis: how am I gonna know it's you though? Jimmy: What kind of signal do you want? Jimmy: 🚬☁? Janis: where are you getting 😎 from and all Janis: I'll just have to bite a lot of gorilla necks 'til one of 'em is into it Jimmy: Duh the lasses I've kidnapped Jimmy: what else are they good for? Janis: I don't know if they really discussed that in king kong Janis: I hope not Jimmy: Date night 2 after we've dug up Lennon and Co Jimmy: I've never seen it Janis: Me either Janis: I assume it's not a classic about Beastiality but Janis: might get 🍀 Jimmy: 👍 Janis: can liveblog Dan Jimmy: 🥇💡 Jimmy: in his DMs til his lass leaves him Janis: love that rep for me Janis: homewrecking then peacing out Jimmy: you have got form Janis: what are friends for Janis: free to tap that now, you're welcome Jimmy: if I wanted to 🐸 lad wouldn't have stopped me Jimmy: but tah very much Janis: yeah? Jimmy: What's your question? Janis: never mind Janis: his resemblance to pond life is uncanny Jimmy: 🎯 Janis: 🙊 Janis: I hope they're not all single now Janis: they get even more demonic when there's no dick around to distract them even for a sec, like Jimmy: Do you want me to do a poll? They'll tell me Janis: They'd lie to bone you Janis: Only Asia is stupid enough to not, God bless Jimmy: lucky me Janis: you don't have medical level BO and you can form basic sentences Janis: makes you a 🤴 to them but not special, you feel me Janis: the bar is underground Jimmy: SUCH a sweet talker, you 😳 Janis: I know Janis: just feeling #inspired by you Jimmy: you're meant to inspire me, dickhead Jimmy: gotta do everything myself round here Janis: I'll distract you Janis: make you do the wrong thing Janis: just 😇 things Jimmy: I'l see the paint coming this time, Judith Jimmy: it's the sober light of day Janis: Unfortunately Janis: my shower looked like a Pollock painting this AM Janis: and I can feel just how unsober last night was Jimmy: where's the 📷 you rookie? Janis: 😰 Jimmy: this is where us being #starcrossed falls down Jimmy: useless without me Janis: I wasn't feeling very inspired Janis: after the bollocking from the police, then from my parents, all whilst I could barely stand or 👀 Jimmy: you're 💔 me, girl Janis: I didn't even know where you were Janis: so dramatic, lowkey a stampede when garda showed Jimmy: I get it, you had your 🤞 they'd already sent me back to the grim north Janis: of course Janis: fake prison boyf Jimmy: fuck every other ldr that's the one Janis: could send you the good treats and nudes and shit Janis: so much more manageable Jimmy: you'd never be that nice to me Janis: once 👏 you 👏 kill 👏 for 👏 me 👏 Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: not got nowt else on Janis: won't even make it awkward and ask you to kill my sister Janis: pick whoever you wanna, got no preference here Jimmy: 💀👑 first Jimmy: the rest of 'em would feel it Janis: they are the flea to her rat Janis: gotta have that host body Jimmy: and I'd only have to touch her and she'd crumble to dust, an easy 🏆 Janis: How she's fucked as many lads as she has is beyond me Jimmy: 🤢🤢🤢 shh Janis: I know, it's disturbing and baffling on so many levels Janis: she doesn't even look like a good ride, who went there first and found out Janis: so many questions Jimmy: where's that q&a #content Mia? Janis: 😏 Janis: we should do one, not about the mystery of her skeletal vag Jimmy: the fans will have loads about the party and all that bollocks Jimmy: she'll have to wait Janis: gotta let the people know we made up Jimmy: can do it when you get here Jimmy: my brother's about but so's the 🐕 they're alright Janis: can keep the #content family-friendly Janis: read between the lines, lads Jimmy: yeah the 🐕 is more distracting than you Janis: Charming Janis: 😂 Janis: if I didn't feel like microwaved shit Jimmy: if you were 🥇 like me that wouldn't matter Janis: I didn't 📷 you don't know what I look like, twat Jimmy: you said feel Jimmy: nowt's been mentioned about how either of us look Janis: you sent me a pic Jimmy: and? Jimmy: you can either fake it or you can't 'cause you're either 🥇 or nowt Janis: 'course I can fake it Janis: just not gonna go that hard in front of your brother, obviously Janis: not 🥉 behaviour, that, just weird Jimmy: convenient that Jimmy: your excuse is non-existent 'cause as I said he's only got 👀 for the 🐕 Jimmy: bit like you Janis: 🙄 fine Janis: you're feeling unloved Jimmy: steady on, we're not having a therapy session on the 'gram Janis: just 😍 Janis: I know Jimmy: Go on then Jimmy: what do you look like? Janis: I've really got to send you a picture so you can tell me I look like shit? Janis: How about we get there and I just listen to all those fake compliments, like Jimmy: If I say please, will you give in? Janis: depends Jimmy: on how I say it or on something else? Janis: if you limit yourself to a word after you've seen it as well Jimmy: I can do that Janis: [we all know you look good you always do bitch] Jimmy: unfair Jimmy: there's my word Janis: okay Janis: I can deal with that Janis: more ? than ! Jimmy: I dunno if I can deal with you setting me up Janis: huh? Jimmy: I just thought you were gonna look Jimmy: and then you're Janis: well you don't look bad either so Janis: it's fair Jimmy: bollocks is it Jimmy: you heard me, I said unfair Janis: well alright Janis: but you're just as unfair then Jimmy: Nah I weren't faking I were 🧟 when I'm actually a hot 🧛 Janis: you're a 👻 Janis: if you don't get to come back as the peak hottest version of yourself, that's some bullshit Jimmy: Duh I actually were 👴 when I ⚰ you just 👀 me as 😎🚬 Janis: Best of both worlds Jimmy: that'll be why I'm such an optimist Janis: ☀ Janis: exactly what comes to mind tbh Jimmy: obvs Janis: think I might've accidentally got on a ghost bus though Janis: it's taking longer than usual, maybe I've been on here forever? Janis: who can say Jimmy: I should've offered to pick you up in Ian's car Jimmy: what kind of fake boyfriend Janis: fake boyfriend who wants to clock up all those hours scrubbing graffiti Jimmy: only 'cause date night 3 I'm planning to take you to put it all back Jimmy: if you're inspiring enough, that is Janis: 😏 Janis: keep doubting #hatersaremymotivatorsbabe Jimmy: prove it then I can't Jimmy: job done ✔ Janis: you want another picture with a 📰🗞 to prove I'm not lying, yeah Jimmy: You, lie? Bollocks would you Janis: know, it's what you 💕 best about me Jimmy: Yeah Janis: how is the actual loml today then? Jimmy: What the fuck does that mean? Janis: BABE!!! Janis: love of my life, OMG Jimmy: have you just made that up? Janis: don't be ridiculous Janis: start # me as such like RN Jimmy: [cue extra socials flirting] Janis: shit just got real, lads Jimmy: must be why I miss you Jimmy: nowt to do with how shit this park is Janis: obviously not Janis: everything's just more shit when I ain't about Jimmy: You're not wrong, bighead Jimmy: Love being bollocked by paddy 👮 me Janis: 🤤 was pretty blatant to me but don't reckon they noticed Jimmy: lads in uniform are just so 🤤🤤🤤 Jimmy: if I were american I could 🤞 Ian would send me to military school but 💔 Janis: only get your institutionalized abuse if you're rich enough to afford it Janis: or Catholic Janis: and there's a surprising amount of hoops to jump through there Janis: gutting Jimmy: 💔 about that an' all Jimmy: tah for being a pair of heathens mum and dad Janis: you could get confirmed but they'll 👀 you for being a right weirdo from the off Janis: no one JOINS Catholicism by choice, you're born to it and run away 😱 Jimmy: brb gonna have my quick 😭 before you get here Janis: Baby Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Janis: [showing up finally and pretending you checking his face for 😭 and wiping 'em away like 'you can calm down now'] Jimmy: [pretending that you're checking her for bits of paint she missed behind her ears and everywhere but we know you just wanna touch her face and hair always] Janis: [the standard get off moment but loling and loving it secretly] Jimmy: [just leaning on her and sighing dramatically like ugh what a day but it's more to annoy her and be close to her than an actual genuine fml because god forbid you're real about it] Janis: ['that bad, yeah?' and doing an even bigger dramatic sigh '#relatable, mate' we're all loving life lollollol] Jimmy: [when you're competitive af so you wanna do an even bigger sigh yourself but you can't because you've got that secret rib injury and it hurts to breathe in thanks so much Ian #gotta reclaim it from April and Steve] Janis: [simply must] Jimmy: [thank god yet again that 😒 is his default cos you gotta get on the swing for the #aesthetic of this q&a and that means she's gotta sit on you, suffer for your art boy] Janis: [definitely gonna notice though at some point you can't stop me lol] Jimmy: [she always notices things it's a blessing and a curse] Janis: [thank your mother and grandmother for that girl; getting up like ? 'did you actually get stampeded or was it garda?'] Jimmy: ['I get that you're my biggest fan but the q&a weren't planned for you' because especially can't answer that question moreso than any other] Janis: [frowns but as per makes more of a thing out of it so it's fake] Jimmy: [squish her face like she does to you like cheer up] Janis: ['I won't turn it into a game, you can just tell me' 'cos we all remember truth or dare and how well that went] Jimmy: [shrugs 'being a northern 45 has it's downs on top of the massive upsides' when you're acting like you're 👴 and did it by falling or coughing too hard from 🚬 either of which could've happened but didn't] Janis: [🙄 'so you're alright then?'] Jimmy: ['it ain't part of the job for you to worry about me'] Janis: [shrugs like give a shit, boy 'not an answer also, not sneaky'] Jimmy: ['I know how to fake it, that's the only answer you need to hear'] Janis: [😒] Jimmy: [goes to check on Bobby and Twix like look how fine I am bye] Janis: [just chilling on the bench like you're so unphased but clearly not and he's clearly not fine otherwise he wouldn't have needed to fake it at all if it was nbd] Jimmy: [Twix jumping up him cos she's so full of love and he's just in casual agony like this is fine] Janis: [just shooting up like nope and coming over to distract Twix and throw her ball for her] Jimmy: [nhs direct be like DON'T smoke so of course that's what he's gonna do, when it's a habit and you don't think about how much it's gonna hurt but you've committed yourself to the 🚬 now] Janis: [just gesturing like lemme share that when you can see the wincing so at least he can only have half] Jimmy: [blatantly knows what she's doing and why but letting it happen cos ouch] Janis: [just doing overtime on that cig lmao] Jimmy: [just giving her a look like calm down as if you remotely have followed your own advice there] Janis: ['never know where the fans are hiding' looking 'round the park as if anyone is about 'cept families and tweens] Jimmy: ['You already looked hot, no need to go overboard'] Janis: ['what's your excuse then?'] Jimmy: ['For what?' you know perfectly well boyy] Janis: [a look that says as much 'you know'] Jimmy: [shakes his head like no I don't] Janis: ['you just want me to say it' tapping her head like not thick] Jimmy: ['so go on'] Janis: ['will you let me help you out if I do? I could walk the dog for you, at least'] Jimmy: [I've said before you can have her' gestures like take that dog away please and thank] Janis: [gestures at Bobby who's probably loving upon her like case in point] Jimmy: [shrugs like he'll get over it] Janis: ['she won't' 💔] Jimmy: [🎻 mime] Janis: [shakes head] Jimmy: [🙄] Janis: ['what did you dad say, like?'] Jimmy: ['I get it, you're trying to work out how up for committing crimes he is, you being underage and all, be a better shout if you faked it as yummy mummy though'] Janis: [tuts, 'runs in the family then'] Jimmy: [shakes his head really OTT because he likes his women 👵 'one of a kind, me'] Janis: [flexes muscle IRL] Jimmy: [😏] Janis: [going back to the swing] Jimmy: [pushing her, don't hurt yourself boy] Janis: [just enjoying this but thinking the same, peeping back at him occasionally] Jimmy: [just looking at her like I'm alright cos downplaying it 5ever] Janis: ['alright, you're well hard, we get it'] Jimmy: ['I'm just such a lad, nowt I can do about it, like'] Janis: ['gift and a curse, sure'] Jimmy: [holds the swing to keep it still for a sec 'you alright?' cos even though he's only pushing her gently gotta take the piss that she might 🤢 cos so hungover] Janis: [shakes her head, dramatically 'I'm off the rails, babe and you're meant to be ride or die and you're not telling me nothing' big pout] Jimmy: [comes round the front of the swing so he can look at her dramatically like he's so OTT sorry and forlorn 'making me get on my knees'd be a bit cruel, but name owt else, baby'] Janis: ['yeah, don't' look like you better not with this mystery injury, boy 'tell me what the gameplan is, how are we doing this, how are we getting back at her for this?'] Jimmy: [sits on the swing next to her and is thinking like a winnie because hasn't had chance to even consider any of that with everything else that's going on] Janis: [nods like exactly 'obviously we wanted to get in trouble but that doesn't mean she gets away with being a snitch'] Jimmy: [nods back cos yeah fuck her 'what does she care about?'] Janis: [shrugs 'fuck all but controlling her calories and her minions'] Jimmy: ['Alright, how can we take the control off her?'] Janis: ['if you've still got your job, start melting butter into her coffees' 😏 but also seriously thinking 'not hard to get that lot having an argument...you reckon you could get her chatting shit on them to you? that'd work, love their #receipts, like'] Jimmy: [gets his phone out like let's see and gestures for her to come here even though they are only a swing apart anyway #blatant] Janis: [leaning over his shoulder like 👀] Jimmy: [imagine having to try and chat to Mia, good lord] Janis: [and god knows how you're gonna have to play this to get decent fallout fuel from her, she's not an idiot] Jimmy: [yeah we should say it doesn't work because realistically wouldn't and he'd be so fuming that he hasn't been able to do it] Janis: ['back to the drawing board' and back to her swing to ponder] Jimmy: [😒 af and such a frustrated sigh which is then like OUCH but trying not to show that 'What about that co-worker of mine you were proper willing to throw under the bus and reckon is so well fit?' Hey Pete hey] Janis: [instincitvely reaching to squeeze his hand like hey but then Pete gets mentioned and you casually have to drop it like a hot potato without being that obvious lol 'Does Mia reckon he's well fit enough too?' like I've not been there 'she harass him and all, like?'] Jimmy: ['You said none of 'em have got high standards, what were it, no BO and basic grasp of how to put words together?' shrugs and looks at her like yeah well I'm not trying to say it's a good idea just an idea and another sigh that you can't help because you hate that she cares about Pete and you're reading too much into what that means] Janis: ['might work, might be a bit weird to put across to him though' 'cos can you imagine, like hello, us again... 'she was pretty pissed off when we gatecrashed her sleepover, it'd be worse than community service but we could do more of that? get them on side so she looks as mental as she is, like'] Jimmy: ['Alright' because that's a much better and easier idea you have to admit boy] Janis: ['yeah?' makes a face 'cos what did you just sign yourself up for, you cannot stand these girls lmao] Jimmy: ['I just said it were, must be' because this is all so casual and fine] Janis: ['Remember when we couldn't do a school project with the bitch? Imagine what they're like with no parameters or focus...' rolls eyes like Lord help us all 'definitely gonna be Oscar-winning fakery'] Jimmy: ['first place or nowt, baby, it's what Mia's owed, keep that in your head and you'll rise to the challenge, right piece of piss'] Janis: ['she's not my muse, fuck off' but kicking him in a bants manner with your swingy feet] Jimmy: [raises an eyebrow like oh isn't she and is 😏 'I'll keep that to myself, case it fucks with your master plan, don't worry'] Janis: [stops his swing abruptly by yanking on the chain like how dare you 'arsehole' 😒] Jimmy: [OTT like OW even though he's as fine as he's been this whole time] Janis: [when you then have to stop yourself now to check like oh no, so then you're even more 😒 'don't do that!'] Jimmy: [holds his hands up like soz but his 👀s genuinely are we know 'you know I didn't mean owt, be my mate again'] Janis: [standing inbetween his legs and tilting his chin up with your index finger so he's gotta look at you, as if you can work out what happened to him just by staring into his 👀 really hard] Jimmy: [some amazing eye contact as per and hitting her with a 'what?' even though you know cos you always know] Janis: ['we can be mates' like okay do you wanna be any closer though] Jimmy: ['good' likewise not moving like boy if you lean in right now I'm gonna kill you] Janis: [when there's nowhere to hide but you also cannot be the first to break, torn much] Jimmy: [at least we can have Twix or Bobby or both interrupt as he's just moving her hair out of her face/needlessly touching her yet again but before he does or says something we're not ready for because seriously about to here] Janis: [this is true, you aren't alone so you can't have a total bench moment here] Jimmy: [and you defs can't be revealing your secrets or feels rn thank you sir] Janis: [just turning so fast and acting like that never happened like oh hi Twix whilst he deals with Bobby] Jimmy: [do them big brother duties because he can't know you're hurt so you gotta fake it even more] Janis: [the joys] Jimmy: [he's gonna have a ball cleaning up and working ILY Ian you're a star] Janis: [make that punishment even more punishing, we see you] Jimmy: [I also like to imagine his phone going off throughout like you better not be with that girl, try and stop me bitch] Janis: [likewise 'cos you've done a bunk so they're like where are you, you have to go community service blah blah blah] Jimmy: [sharing a look but not a LOOK like] Janis: [actual solidarity, like y'all have no idea yet] Jimmy: [Taking a selfie with Twix and Bobby to send to him like fuck you Ian I'm doing your jobs and then letting Bobby take some cos mini me] Janis: [can't help but smiling 'cos that's cute] Jimmy: [takes her phone to take a coupley selfie so she doesn't feel left out and no other reason] Janis: ['won't tag you, like'[ Jimmy: ['tag Jamie'] Janis: [lols 'start framing him now, alright'] Jimmy: [a genuine smile] Janis: ['gonna look insane when everyone realizes you were never here the whole time but I'll cope'] Jimmy: ['gutted that Bruce Willis beat us to that plot twist' and such a pouty face] Janis: [squishing it forever like 😏] Jimmy: [leaning on her like I'M SO SAD THO] Janis: ['how can I cheer you up?'] Jimmy: [looking around like we could make a run for it and start a new life, as if he's capable of running rn or ever] Janis: ['my bags are packed, like'] Jimmy: [gestures like come on then but is looking at Bobby and Twix like] Janis: [looks at 'em as well and shrugs like yep 'easier leaving kids that are yours, init'] Jimmy: ['obvs' but now he's thinking about his mum so is actually sad not fake sad #awks] Janis: [is thinking about Drew and Edie so we're all having a lil moment here] Jimmy: [drags her over to the slide like go on, cos he'd die if he had a go so can't] Janis: [looking at Bobby then back at him like 'got your duties mixed up' but obvs has a go not gonna be a spoilsport] Jimmy: [then Bobby has a go and then Twix wants a go so you gotta go again girl] Janis: [like a babby] Jimmy: [you know he's getting all the adorable pics] Janis: [putting Twix on Bobby's lap at the top of the slide 'cos she's a pup so small] Jimmy: [he's falling in love again y'all] Janis: [put twix in a baby swing, that would be hilarious] Jimmy: [they gotta so he can be 😏 instead of 😍 because you're not kissing her rn boy I forbid it] Janis: [there's just no fake rn and we all know it] Jimmy: [he doesn't have it in him rn despite what he said] Janis: [mhmm, we won't be infiltrating the flat whites any time soon lmao] Jimmy: [gotta give that more than a hot sec but I do think at some point they should run into Asia and her sisters again for the lol because] Janis: [that would be good 'cos the mood that day lolllll] Jimmy: [they can get Bobby in on the fake niceness by bribing him or something lol] Janis: [#playdate!] Jimmy: [exactly dr phil] Janis: [god bless] Jimmy: [should probably get that kid and dog back so come and chill at his gaff again girl] Janis: [your parents will be delighted hahahaha suck it lads] Jimmy: [hooray for Ian being at work so you don't actually have to see him though] Janis: [that's a blessing] Jimmy: [make tea and food for everyone Jimothy we know that's your life] Janis: don't need to tell you how to make it Janis: handy Jimmy: You gonna give me a hand though? Jimmy: I get that there's no promise of an apron but you already look 🥇 we've covered that Janis: and run the risk of you thinking I'm not a spoilt brat? 🤔 Janis: I guess I could Janis: as you're full of compliments as currency today Jimmy: 🤞 they won't take your 🐴 away for mucking in like the common lads and lasses do, rich girl Janis: Better not Janis: love mucking out SO much Janis: [does come to help like bonjour] Jimmy: and it would muck up the stable boy fantasy before we've had a go at it 💔 Janis: [lols] Janis: that's exactly what your accent is Jimmy: [says something like a cliche stable boy would idk I'm not a horse girl] Janis: [reminds me of that classic book baby mama was in with game of thrones, though he's like gameskeeper or whatever the fuck anyway, loling harder and fake swooning] Jimmy: [when you pretend to catch her fainting, shameless touching even if it hurts you is your real ultimate kink boy] Janis: [the tea, saying something stereotypically posh in a stereotypically posh voice to break the tension that is just always there now] Jimmy: [does the posh little finger thing while drinking his and loling] Janis: [making nerd glasses with her fingers at him like 😏] Jimmy: ['Oi, be nice to me' making a face like I'm so injured excuse you] Janis: ['yeah, you gone shy or you gonna show me?' gestures like kit off boy] Jimmy: [is awks af obvs because we know it's bad but does take off his top because can't admit it #challengealwaysaccepted] Janis: [breathing in through her teeth like ouch and really gently touching them, like barely, speaking just as softly 'you should take an ice bath, it'd take down this swelling'] Jimmy: ['always trying to get me in the bath, you' but his voice is as soft as hers is 'but no pictures this time, a cute filter ain't gonna make this look goals'] Janis: ['Who could blame me' but said more as a throwaway comment just to keep this feeling normal and not like you're worried about him in any way nope, a look like obviously, who am I? before moving him, gently, out the way 'I'll finish up here, yeah'] Jimmy: [a shrug like I can do it because god forbid you actually take it easy lad] Janis: ['I can make-' (fill in the blank of whatever he's feeding Bobby, lol fish fingers or whatever we know the vibe here) 'if you don't wanna get in without me, wait, like'] Jimmy: ['Calm down, no dickhead's ready for how wife goals you are' and some fake 😍 'if you're that about trying to work your magic work out how we're gonna fill the tub with the one ice tray, what would your mate Jesus do?'] Janis: [less fake 🙄 back 'fine, I'll go buy a couple bags, prepare yourself' and chucking her shoes and whatnot back on like brb, least you don't live in the middle of nowhere] Jimmy: [irl 👍] Janis: won't let you 🥶 Jimmy: not how you wanna 💀💀💀? Jimmy: I get it, nowt massively 😎🚬 about that Janis: In terms of murder, pretty good idea but nah Janis: I've done 'em before so I'm not 🙀 Jimmy: knew you had loads of bodies in your freezer Jimmy: bit rude to make me think our 💀💀💀 pact were the first Jimmy: bit ruder that you never went through with your end all the other times Janis: just waiting to meet the one, babes Janis: 🤷 can't be killing myself for every lad that comes through Jimmy: proper heartbreaker you Jimmy: knew that an' all Janis: You won't get chance to tweet that Janis: s'fine Janis: 🙊🙉🙈 Jimmy: didn't break none of my fingers Janis: you're really gonna do it whilst I'm out running errands? Janis: ungrateful Jimmy: stop begging, I'll be a good boy Jimmy: for a bit Janis: It's you with the kink for being told what to do, apparently Janis: stop complaining Jimmy: don't sound like me that Jimmy: ray of fucking ☀ or nowt Janis: wrong chat then Janis: my bad Jimmy: sort it out, girl Janis: be more memorable, boy Jimmy: 💀💀💀 you too quick if I were Janis: exactly Janis: letdown no. ??? Jimmy: piss off Janis: Calm down Janis: can't be letdown by something that ain't real Janis: only have myself to blame then and not about that Jimmy: 👌 Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: ugh Jimmy: It's a hard life, Jasmine Jimmy: crack on, we don't have all day Janis: excuse me Janis: as long as you do it within the first three days, it'll still work Janis: and you're on chef duties so you shut up and concentrate Jimmy: I can't concentrate if you're gonna chat to me like that Jimmy: 😍🤤🤤😍 Janis: blame the burning on me then Janis: we all know you're just 🥉 Jimmy: Oi, I'll be a top wife Jimmy: know how to take a punch and everything Janis: Shh Janis: busy Jimmy: 💔 Janis: Meant to be helping, so let me Jimmy: why you trying to make me 😭 then? that won't help Jimmy: bloody hurt if owt Janis: Obviously not Janis: you know I'm not good at words, it's not a surprise Jimmy: duh it's the only thing we've got in common Janis: is it cheering you to make me try and fail then? Janis: 'cos have at it but you will end up 😭 by the end of t Jimmy: I just Jimmy: wanna chat to someone who ain't 6 Jimmy: or a 🐕 Janis: 2/2 Janis: take that victory Jimmy: 🏆 Jimmy: there you go Janis: I will fill it with ice Jimmy: and a drink of your choice Jimmy: I 👀 you, pisshead Janis: just prepping myself for having to 👀 you in the tub again Jimmy: I can get in by myself, I were 👴 but 👻 me is in his prime, remember Jimmy: near as much an athlete as you at this rate Jimmy: 💪🥇 Janis: let's not get carried away Jimmy: spoilsport Jimmy: might wanna carry you about Janis: when you're recovered Jimmy: takes weeks 🤞 I'll be long gone Janis: about as reliable as 🙏 Janis: take from that whatever you want, heathen Jimmy: Tah Jimmy: or I'll just get another girlfriend who ain't as heavy as you Janis: fuck off Janis: I'm not heavy Jimmy: depends Janis: on how weak you are? yeah Jimmy: on who we're comparing you to Jimmy: but you can piss off, I'm not weak, I'm injured Janis: Know you're used to puppies and 6 year olds, obvs Jimmy: you're not the first lass I've lugged about, soz to melt your ❄ babe Janis: 💔 Janis: I'm not anorexic or otherwise as easily deluded, I know I'm skinny Jimmy: never said you weren't Jimmy: have said before that you're a 🦒 Janis: thanks Jimmy: 👍 Janis: need anything else whilst I'm here Jimmy: You're my nurse, you tell me Janis: get you some drugs Janis: don't take 'em all at once 💀💀💀 Jimmy: What if I promise to split 'em right down the middle? Janis: I'm not dying for you today Jimmy: Baby please Janis: Nah Janis: find some tiny girlfriend who'll need half the tabs Jimmy: been there, done that Janis: plenty more midgets either side of the sea Jimmy: I don't have time to go 🎣 but tah for that Janis: Busy busy Jimmy: hardworking kink ain't nowt but a curse 🎻 Janis: don't need to tell me Janis: I'm rich Janis: the less you see your missus and fam the better 🤤 Jimmy: wouldn't dream of telling you nowt of the sort, not very #goals that Janis: so needy 😏 Jimmy: shut up Jimmy: so mean today you Janis: just today? Jimmy: not thick enough to start digging myself down into that big of an hole Jimmy: and obvs too weak any road so Jimmy: 🤐 Janis: more like it Janis: though implying I was gonna get pissy about it was a dick move that did not go unnoticed Jimmy: I said what I said Jimmy: there's nowt you don't get pissy about when that's what you wanna do Janis: Maybe you're just really fucking annoying Janis: that's more than a distinct possibility Jimmy: only maybe? Jimmy: 💕 Janis: So optimistic too Janis: 🤢 Jimmy: you need to get back on it, pisshead, that'll sort you out Janis: You like me better when I'm drunk Janis: spread that around Janis: though frankly, lil rapey is their type Jimmy: I don't like you however much you drink, not a paddy Janis: Try drinking some more yourself Janis: looking for common sense at the bottom of a bottle ain't a noble pursuit but you know Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: [a selfie of him posing with Ian's stash like oh hey] Janis: and you were gonna let me buy more Janis: who's the shit host now Jimmy: I never said you should buy owt Jimmy: you went off on your own #mission Janis: you'll be grateful later Jimmy: yeah 'cause that's how you like me, I know Janis: Don't you start #kinkassuming thank you Jimmy: no need to assume it, I've 🔓 it Jimmy: got the 🎟 Janis: 🤔 Janis: Must've been wasted Janis: as per Jimmy: Or I've got the wrong girlfriend Jimmy: might do Janis: It happens Janis: what's my name again Jimmy: what kind of fish do you wanna be? that'd help me out Jimmy: I've voted already Janis: 🦈 Jimmy: #fated Janis: if you said 🐬 I'd delete and block you Jimmy: I can't, that's Asia's Jimmy: nowt I can do when she's just SO SMART Janis: can't wait 'til some screaming kid covers her blowhole and suffocates her Jimmy: 😂 Janis: shame you ain't a starfish Janis: cut your legs off see if they grow back Jimmy: What am I then? Janis: one of those lurky bastards at the bottom of the ocean Janis: just been sitting there for 10000000s of years Jimmy: that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me Jimmy: brb need to dry my eyes Janis: I know Janis: 💦💦 Jimmy: that what's taking you so long? Janis: yeah Janis: am I not allowed any privacy? Jimmy: You've heard 💀👑's stance on that Janis: you invited her over already? Janis: keen Jimmy: you wish, Jennifer Jimmy: can't have her around in my weakened state Janis: fuck off and stop being a baby Jimmy: you fuck off Janis: come get your stuff then Jimmy: you're alright Janis: it'll melt out here Jimmy: I get that I'm such a ☀ but outside ain't competing that hard Janis: Don't be awkward Jimmy: gotta teach the 🐕 fetch some time Janis: for fuck's sake Jimmy: What? Janis: I've got to go put it in your bath myself, have I Jimmy: You haven't gotta do nowt Janis: are you coming to get it? Jimmy: Am I on a ⏲? Janis: would you like me to work out how long it takes to melt a bag of ice Janis: like I said, awkward Jimmy: 🤓 Janis: I'm going to smack you upside the head with it in a second Jimmy: [comes to get it like go on then] Janis: [obviously will not lol, just shoving it at him like there you go] Jimmy: [takes it and walks off leaving her with Twix who has come like hey girl] Janis: [tryna get her in the house 'cos you were tryna leave on the low but Twix says no] Jimmy: [puts some ice in whatever bottle he's stolen off Ian and offers it to her like] Janis: ['only 'cos it'll get watered down now otherwise'] Jimmy: ['duh, that's the trick, then he dunno I've nicked it'] Janis: [🙄 @ Ian 'Amateur, I would know'] Jimmy: ['you ain't thick and northern' said over his shoulder as he's going upstairs to get in his ice bath with the stolen booze casually] Janis: [just downstairs like what am I meant to do now excuse me but definitely not going to ask] Janis: try not to go into shock or get hypothermia please Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: how long have I gotta sit here like a dickhead? Janis: do 5 minutes, if you can hack it Janis: no longer than 10 Jimmy: say when Janis: Get in and then I'll come in and supervise Janis: I'm not gonna accidentally kill you Jimmy: don't get none of this #drama with a bag of peas Jimmy: but alright Janis: it'll be more effective Janis: trust me Jimmy: if you've gotta say it, I probably shouldn't Jimmy: well suspicious Janis: it's not gonna be nice but it'll stop the damage getting worse and kickstart the healing Jimmy: 🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶 Janis: yeah, that's why you're getting in before I come up Janis: I'll listen for the scream, like Jimmy: did you 👂 or do you want me to get out and back in? Janis: Okay Janis: so tough, I get it Janis: [comes up and puts her hand to his forehead to check his temp] Jimmy: [imagine his little face please just like fuck me this is #fun] Janis: [puts a timer on her phone and is looking for the biggest, softest towel for when he gets out] Jimmy: [when you're the most caring ever on the low] Janis: ['I'm sorry' and taking the drink from him] Jimmy: [a look like ? because not gonna try and talk atm] Janis: [gestures like for all of it, I don't know but then doesn't wanna be that bitch so sucks it up and actually says why 'I didn't mean to call you a baby'] Jimmy: [puts a finger to his lips like shut up it's fine] Janis: [shrugs an alright and sits down on the side of the bath] Jimmy: [splashes but so the water just comes up and doesn't actually touch her because not that rude and also he's too cold to do a really big splash movement] Janis: [reaching in, whey but not, to get his feet out 'cos apparently your toes will be most sensitive so they don't need to be under, neither do his hands, just rubbing some life back into them with said towel like there we go] Jimmy: [saying a sincere thanks with his 👀 but then having to look away because who ever looks after him #emotions] Janis: ['I'll make you a cuppa when you get out'] Jimmy: you just want one, I 👀 you Janis: [takes another swig from the bottle like yes, blatantly 😏] Jimmy: 😏 Janis: then you can get in bed for a bit Janis: can't get straight in a hot shower, though you wanna Jimmy: how many of these have you done? Janis: enough Janis: plus I do sports science and all that shit so Jimmy: take your 🏆 Janis: will when those bruises fade, like Janis: not jealous or nothing but it is a bit rude Jimmy: don't be, nobody does 'em like you, baby Janis: might have to tweet it Janis: don't want a repeat Jimmy: [cue flirty af tweets to distract her because we can't tell her what happened] Janis: [with that we can probably get you out, to your great relief] Jimmy: [help him like the 👴 he is, girl] Janis: [get him wrapped up in that towel and in his room asap] Jimmy: [you have to snuggle him it's basically the law] Janis: [would literally be rude not to, least you can do it and be rubbing his arms like just warming you up nothing else going on nope] Jimmy: [the amount of things I have to stop him from saying or doing rn, boy no] Janis: ['do you still own a hoodie? you need to wrap up warm'] Jimmy: [a lil lol but goes to get his warmest one cos wouldn't have had that out in april so she hasn't stolen it] Janis: [control your 😍 at his cute you've got a job to do 'do you want your tea now?'] Jimmy: [when you shake your head before you can stop yourself or do your trick of not answering a q because you just don't want her to go] Janis: [just patting the bed like get back in then] Jimmy: [does] Janis: [when you have to snuggle really hard for warmth also single bed moment again] Jimmy: [god bless, what makes it even better is knowing how fuming Ian would be but it's literally your fault sir, you've done this] Janis: [you did this bitch] Jimmy: [thanks for bringing them closer together hoe] Janis: [nice try, universe] Jimmy: ['Am I gonna die if I fall asleep?' from within the snuggle] Janis: [tiniest lol 'only if you also feel a sudden urge to take your clothes off too' accidentally saucy like 😳] Jimmy: ['well now you've told me not to, I obvs do' playing it like you're such a rebel but we know why you wanna] Janis: ['then I'd have to keep you awake, it's your choice'] Jimmy: [such a LOOK] Janis: [closing his eyes like no looking 'cos literally can't handle it] Jimmy: [opening them again because 1. he's that dickhead but more importantly 2. he can give her a look like even if I fall asleep don't leave] Janis: ['you can go to sleep' in response 'but-' and not finishing that sentence] Jimmy: ['what?' because I have to every single time] Janis: [non-committal noises like idk doesn't matter forget it etc] Jimmy: ['go on' because can't and won't drop anything unless he wants to] Janis: [shrugs without smacking him in the face hopefully 'cos you are that close rn 'you don't have to'] Jimmy: [nods like alright like it's so casual but not breathing because it isn't even remotely casual bye] Janis: ['We could-' stopping to correct yourself to make it sound more fake as if we're even remotely believing that now '-I could make you feel even better, if you want'] Jimmy: ['I get it, you reckon you're a better nurse than me, eh?' throwback to that school trip moment and how hot it was 'crack on then, but nowt'll top that ice bath' such sarcasm, such wit] Janis: [smiles 'not that that's much to brag about, yeah' rolls her eyes and sighs like oh, if I must, as if she didn't suggest it, TOTALLY unprompted 'still my idea, that, so your turn for a good one again, when you're all healed, of course' doing the poor baby pout at him whilst sitting herself up and maneuvering VERY carefully so she's sat on top of him, facing away so he's looking at the back of her 'obviously, that shit about not poking bruises is true, but if we sort the rest of your muscles out, you'll feel less fucked in general' and starting a full-body-but-his-abdomen-area massage with his calves/feet and working her way up 'cos lord knows the boy is tense and she already has a decent idea of what she's doing here] Jimmy: [when that feels so good literally immediately that you have to take the piss because you can't cope 'what the fuck else are they teaching you in sports science, girl?' I can only imagine the kind of teacher they'd have for that so I'm loling] Janis: ['gutted you didn't take it now, yeah?' shaking her head like 😏 and moving up to the thighs] Jimmy: ['more inspiring than art by the looks of it, like, not that that's much to brag about either'] Janis: ['your stuff was alright' like casually bringing up that night like how much do we remember, we'll never know] Jimmy: [thank god she can't see him blushing rn 'you're a decent canvas' bringing up the paint fight because yolo and downplaying the rest of his art because thanks Ian for making him think he's not good at anything] Janis: [likewise but you are gonna have to turn 'round now 'cos you've run out of body lmao 'you too' then and now, obvs] Jimmy: [we all just dying here] Janis: [take a sec to compose yourself before turning 'cos now you're gonna be onto hands and that's like the most intimate somehow] Jimmy: [it seriously is though] Janis: [think it's 'cos you have to sit and face each other and hold hands in a sensual manner, at least he is laying down though so he could avoid the eye contact if he chose to] Jimmy: [I REFUSE to allow you to make eye contact during this sir] Janis: [awkward when it'll be shoulders after and you're gonna be so up in his face like hello, stay strong lads] Jimmy: [oh lord I'll just be screaming DON'T YOU DARE KISS the whole time] Janis: [hohaha this is just mean] Jimmy: [she'll have her work cut out though because nobody's carried this much tension in their body since teenage Tess Vickers] Janis: [since me honey] Jimmy: [the tea] Janis: [least you can really concentrate on doing a good job 'cos yeah wants to kiss him so bad[ Jimmy: [there's no denying what a good job she is doing though 🥇 legit] Janis: [fuck you Ian] Jimmy: [forever the mood] Janis: [though will be leaving before you get back, don't need you fucking up all this hard work tah] Jimmy: [bye felicia] Janis: [though not going anywhere really you'll have to deal] Jimmy: [we should say one of the flat whites are doing something so they can start their plan] Janis: [yeah, maybe Grace is forcing Mia or one of the others to have a party 'cos obvs she doesn't want everyone at Cali gaff really] Jimmy: [and she'd be hoping it'd stop everyone talking about Janis and their party but it sadly won't babe] Janis: [when y'all can't hang and we all know it] Jimmy: [I vote it's 💀#2 cos mad at her for bathgate tbh] Janis: [and she's probably got the most impressive house in a basic rich way so it's a plus to getting people to show] Jimmy: [agreed] Janis: [along with Mia obvs but we know the vibe, what a joy this will be lol] Jimmy: [I feel like Mia would never have parties at her house because such a daddy's girl and that's why you have minions] Jimmy: [at least you can kiss when you get there cos DYING to] Janis: [exactly, not gonna trash your own house, like, plus bet her mum is a cringe] Jimmy: [I just picture Regina's mum in mean girls basically lol] Janis: [tryna cry about your cheating mans with your daughter and her friends, no one needs that do they Mia, at least Ali would never lmao] Jimmy: [Ali's only cringe cos of how hot everyone thinks she is] Janis: [Mia probably does, secret gay] Jimmy: [oh girl] Janis: [will we ever know your damage truly lol] Jimmy: [we should probably figure it out one day so when we're famous everyone's not like wtf casually an Amber from Get Even situation on our hands] Janis: [true true, but sometimes people are in your life as a cunt and you don't consider why, esp as a teen so it's real that the characters don't know, even if we do] Jimmy: [yeah agreed the whole point is she knows everything about Grace and she knows barely anything about Mia because power moves] Janis: [keep them secrets] Jimmy: [it's that poor little rich girl stereotype and we all know it] Janis: [god bless, we have been distracted though, shall we skip as we are not letting anything happen now or?] Jimmy: [we can do because we very much know the vibe and like realistically they could show up to this function way early like even while the flat whites were all getting ready if they wanted because they have a plan to start] Janis: [oh yeah, like let us help you set up!!!!1 mega friendly so not suspect lol] Jimmy: [we all know they'd be ??? but still let them because Mia thinks she's so smart and in control] Janis: [this would be so painful and funny like try not to die holding in lols at them] Jimmy: [#bondingexperiences] Janis: [they should also be wearing more basic approved clothes, like not too wildly obvs but more girly for her, less alternative for him] Jimmy: [yasss and Grace can do her make up because she's actually good at it for all her other cringe so it would look good] Janis: [gotta get her on side too, keep your suspicions in the chat and not in front of your friends] Jimmy: [you're not touching her hair though, Jimmy would be devastated beyond belief] Janis: [we have to draw the line somewhere] Jimmy: [also Asia should have a new bf she's showing off for the lols] Janis: [what a delight, all the single flat whites crying in the club] Jimmy: [omg if he shows up early too and tries to make awkward #ladsladslads small talk with Jimothy the most unsocial egg in the world] Janis: [good idea ladeh] Janis: 💀💀💀 Jimmy: after I've done him Jimmy: can't be lasses first this once, soz Janis: getting on that well, are you? Jimmy: don't 😘 and tell, me Janis: Bullshit Janis: all you do 🗨❤📷📱 Jimmy: Alright, 'cause you untwisted my arm, I'll 🗨 Janis: You giving each other chinese burns? Janis: you wanted that peak homoerotic bullying moment Janis: so happy for you babes!!! 💖 Jimmy: I wish but I do reckon I proper LOVE him Jimmy: summer wedding 🤞 Janis: sending you colour-palettes as we speak OMG Janis: gonna have to let Asia down really gently or you'll all turn up at the altar by the sounds of 🙄🙄 Jimmy: You'll do it for me though, yeah? call it first duty as maid of honour Janis: take great pleasure when I have to stop playing dress up and nice, yeah Jimmy: let's swap, I'd be about playing dress up Janis: 😱😱😱 EWWW Janis: such a perv Jimmy: be more jealous that I'm prettier than you, babes Janis: you be more that you'd NEVER fit in this dress she's letting me borrow 😘 Jimmy: 😭😭😭😭 find me in the kitchen with your sister eating my feelings Janis: yeah you stay away from my sister creep Janis: focus on making Janis: Declan? Janis: Dave Janis: your bestie for the night/forever and ever 💖 Jimmy: fuck that, please come and rescue me Janis: alright Janis: as he's as bad as he looks Janis: just got to finish being tortured here without dropping that he was in my DMs a few ago, like Janis: when will she meet her 🤴 eh Jimmy: when she stops fucking 🐸? Jimmy: though he looks bit more like 🦎 Janis: More exotic? Janis: upgrade 🙌 Jimmy: more like he's shedding his skin about Jimmy: what did he 🗨 then? Janis: eurgh Janis: least you forgo'd the black for just one night Janis: asking me my skincare routine, obvs Janis: all adds up now Jimmy: 🙌 Jimmy: adds up that he's all over me, that's all any dickhead knows of your skincare routine Janis: You can't be taking credit for my skin now Janis: already feel like a barbie up here without you turning it Frankenstein Jimmy: Poor baby Jimmy: I can save you, just 💪 my way in, hang on Janis: Can hear the hysteria already Janis: if the octaves get any higher, only your dog gonna be able to understand 'em, like Jimmy: you're worth the risk to my one good ear 💕 Jimmy: [does bowl in and pull her away but not far because 👀🍿 like I need you to be with me soz] Janis: [Grace just like HER MAKEUP 'cos we know the lipstick is going everywhere] Jimmy: [soz not soz gals] Janis: [lowkey tryna make him leave 'cos this is girl's time 'cos that's always a thing like we all know you're just jelly and sad about your own lack of love ladies] Jimmy: [Mia like no boys and JJ just ignoring her so hard rn because only got 👀 for each other and it's not even fake] Janis: [cannot sacrifice him to this boy rn imagine the 'bants' good lord] Jimmy: [literally he could not be further from that #lad vibe he'd be so over it and tbh fuck you Mia we know you're the only one who actually cares if he stays] Janis: [tbh, just chilling on 💀#2 bed like you're abso besties rn] Jimmy: [god imagine her room, he'd feel so uncomfortable lowkey but we never showing it] Janis: [all white everything like no one spill anything christ] Jimmy: [I hope Grace drops some makeup like Sammi is always doing, my beloved clumsy babe] Janis: [you two try not to piss yourselves like] Jimmy: [when you have to turn it into a cough and that hurts you but at least it stops the lols] Janis: [asking if yous can smoke in here when you so clearly cannot lmao but an excuse for an actual break like brb, he clearly needs it] Jimmy: [run lads run] Janis: [a look when you're outside like Jesus fucking Christ before having the lols you've been holding back this whole time 'God, I actually NEED that cigarette, hurry up, like'] Jimmy: [100% shared and obvs he does hurry up and light hers because whipped and then his because likewise needed] Janis: [just discussing how pissed off Mia is already like lollollol] Jimmy: [and plotting how to piss her off more whilst getting the others on side] Janis: ['hope her birthday is soon, love to fuck that up' when you should know by rights but take no interest so do not lol] Jimmy: [checks her socials because there'd be a shit load of posts from last year and he'd be able to work out the date holds his phone up to her like] Janis: [🤔 then 😒 'nah fuck it, can't be around them that long' and 😏 on the exhale at him] Jimmy: ['And you can't do it without me' because still running with that narrative he'll be gone soon] Janis: ['I'd have time to audition replacements before then, come on'] Jimmy: [😒 that we're pretending is fake but isn't] Janis: [nudges him in the side with hers 'One and only, I remember'] Jimmy: [nudges her back like be careful with me even though she already is being] Janis: ['my delicate little baby' and cupping his cheeks instead of squashing 'em] Jimmy: [looks down at whatever outfit they've put her in 'dunno what I'm gonna call you'] Janis: ['but your list of J names is endless'] Jimmy: ['but those are for you, who the fuck is she?' gestures at the look like who would wear this but OTT because we know she looks good still really and we're not trying to slag her off] Janis: [looks down like yeah, ikr 'sadly their names don't all rhyme or begin with the same letter or something as appropriately cultish so' shrugs like who knows] Jimmy: [dramatic sigh/ exhale of smoke like what a let down] Janis: ['How many continents and virtues still up for grabs?'] Jimmy: [😏] Janis: [shakes head to self thinking on how many levels Grace is an inappropriate name for her 'Not Chastity, like, or Antarctica, both so not goals for the same reason'] Jimmy: ['Whatever the hottest country is, go with that one' when you're not even joking rn you just think she's that hot blatantly] Janis: [trying not to 😳 with limited success 'yeah, such a flex, could go with a vice for a name too but be a bit on the nose, I reckon'] Jimmy: 'Depends, probably don't choose gluttony or owt but' shrugs] Janis: ['Exactly, get sexier names or get out'] Jimmy: [looking over his shoulder like you can feel Mia lurking 'about time we got back in' even though that's the last thing either of them wants] Janis: [sighs not even a bit fake 'yeah' then doesn't move] Jimmy: [puts his arm around her waist like come on but doesn't move either] Janis: [puts hers around his neck 'but I just wanna be with you' and we're pretending that's fake but it's just tea] Jimmy: ['I won't leave you with 'em again' when you 100% mean that] Janis: ['Good' resting your head on his shoulder instead of moving] Jimmy: [stroking her hair nbd] Janis: [can't stay here forever lads, maybe people are actually starting to show up] Jimmy: [get back in lads and find you have a drink waiting because Mia is trying to be #fake nice too so draw the poison symbol on her arm with your fingertip and do an IRL 🤞 before downing it] Janis: [when you look for reactions with almost genuine concern she's such a snek then you down yours, cheersing at her from across the room] Jimmy: [kiss her for the romeo and juliet ref but also just cos you wanna] Janis: [we know the vibe, this could also be the party Mia bangs Pablo maybe? jussayin] Jimmy: [that's such a good idea actually because she's so mad that the squad are team jj and Asia's got a new bf and she's losing her control honey] Janis: [mhmm, that's what I thought, it's a fuck you in the bag, like] Jimmy: [I had the hilarious mental image of JJ doing whatever this era's equivalent of tiktok is with tall tammy like that's her thing™ cos Grace has youtube] Janis: [that's so funny lmao yes must] Jimmy: [hence Mia be fuming cos 💀#2 is the only one giving her the time of day rn] Janis: [truly the Lorraine of this situation] Jimmy: [and Grace is probably trying to get with someone Mia doesn't want her to because she's jealous of jj's love] Janis: [oh what a night] Jimmy: [such fun, but they should 'accidentally' fuck up the borrowed dress in some way by the end of this] Janis: [that's also an idea, plenty of ways that could happen, soz gal lol] Jimmy: [yeah they'll enjoy that and rich girl should have a heated indoor pool they can piss about with] Janis: [such a rich teen mood to jump in in your underwear, the other guests will, the flat whites just like nooooo] Jimmy: [Asia might but the rest of them would NEVER] Janis: [oh Asia, you fun loving gal] Jimmy: [get on that 🦎 bf in the pool like] Janis: [i'm loling, what other hijinks could happen] Jimmy: [I wish they could 'accidentally' push Mia in like oh soz we were playfighting and just happened to get in the way babes] Janis: [they should, 'cos then she'd also make them all go comfort her so it'd be like 1 point them but also 1 to her] Jimmy: [give jj a flat white break for a bit cos they'd all have to help her get ready all over again too] Janis: [exactly, oh how uncool of you, play it off girl, so extra] Jimmy: [if Jimmy chucked Janis in it'd be a different story, look listen and learn gal] Janis: [at least they didn't push Grace in, the actual meltdown of it all] Jimmy: [I could never, as much as she annoys me] Janis: [we all know Janis would but we're playing nice rn so no, hmm, they could commandeer her room and go through her shit lmao no shame, obvs pretending they're banging not just like 'scuse me nosy person coming through] Jimmy: [a nice throwback to school trip when they were meant to be punished but it was just fun] Janis: [exactly dr phil...bitch probably has a diary like be cliche about it] Jimmy: [take all the pics of that #goss in case you need it later, cos she'd know the most about Mia 💀 pact and all] Janis: [mhmm mhmm, you're obviously gonna find her binge stash but that's not news] Jimmy: [fatty boy gonna eat some of it though] Janis: [think Mia's helped herself lollll] Jimmy: [you're welcome for that little domestic ladies] Janis: [death pact drama, just sow all these seeds on the low] Jimmy: [just chucking her on the bed even though you're not meant to pick her up rn and tickling her/all that good messing about because you've GOTTA mess the bed up and no other reason] Janis: [we all know the show is getting put on as if people can see lowkey] Jimmy: [can't even blame them cos even if they shamelessly didn't want to, it's what they are so used to doing by now too] Janis: [we all know you do though and that ain't getting any easier lads] Jimmy: [tea] Janis: [like to think you're fresh out the pool now too 1. for max hotness 2. so her bed is soaked lol thanks] Jimmy: [100% approved] Janis: [just pondering what else can be done and said...Harry is probably here, 'cos of the Mia of it all, do we wanna do anything with that?] Jimmy: [she would 100% invite him so yeah we definitely should do something but what? hmmmm] Janis: [we could have Mia forcing a convo moment 'cos that bitch] Jimmy: [that's real because she so would] Janis: [then it's gonna be awkward between them 'cos he's gonna be mad and she'll wanna die] Jimmy: [cheers for making tomorrow's community service even more fun Mia] Janis: [just getting y'all out of that convo as fast as you can without giving Mia too much satisfaction with it, going to the garden to smoke after but being like 'I'll leave you to it'] Jimmy: [so awkward so moody] Janis: [always ending up hiding in a bathroom or spare room or some bullshit so you can have a moment] Jimmy: [at least it would be a massive house so she can] Janis: soz Jimmy: yeah I know Janis: everyone at this party is a cunt Janis: not surprising, I know Jimmy: hang on, gonna take ages for me to @ them all Janis: you gonna turn on me then Jimmy: why would I give her owt she wants? Janis: I'm not gonna dob you in to her, like Jimmy: you wanna have a scrap? Janis: Not with you Jimmy: leave it out then Janis: Alright Jimmy: 👍 Janis: take your own advice yeah Jimmy: meaning what? Janis: don't need to do a passive-aggressive 👍 just shh Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: that better? Janis: 👍👍👍👍 Janis: that much better Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: if you've got nothing nice to say, don't emoji at me, dickhead Jimmy: how about you tell me how you reckoned this were gonna go and I'll fake the proper 🗨 for you Janis: Like I said, you don't need to say anything Janis: fake or otherwise Janis: I was just saying what I had to Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: Okay, come find me when you wanna or whatever Jimmy: come find me when you need owt Janis: Fine Jimmy: ✔ Janis: If I could undo it, I would Janis: I know it makes this shit needlessly more difficult Jimmy: don't worry, this is my piss easy job Janis: easier than serving them lattes? Jimmy: make it more obvious that you've never had to Janis: At least you don't have to spend this long fully focused on them at CG though Janis: is what I mean Jimmy: I ain't focused on 'em now Janis: only for as long as you can make a 🚬 last Jimmy: nah, they don't matter that much, is what I mean Jimmy: it's just bollocks Janis: yeah Janis: but we're still doing it Janis: so it must matter a bit Jimmy: the reasons I'm doing this is nowt to do with any of them Janis: I know the main reason Janis: but we don't need to be here for that Jimmy: the main reason were not making my life any harder, her dobbing us in has done that, so yeah, we do Janis: Yeah, it's payback Janis: so it is about her Janis: her getting some of her bullshit back won't unfuck what she's already done but might make us feel better about it Jimmy: it's about us, you just said it Jimmy: feeling better Janis: Alright Janis: it doesn't matter either way to me how you slice it Jimmy: if it doesn't matter, why are we 🗨 about it? Janis: I was asking how you found it easy Jimmy: Alright Janis: You didn't exactly answer but yeah Jimmy: you dunno 'cause you dunno nowt about me or what my life's like, there's your answer Janis: It's not that deep Janis: asking how partying with them could be easier than serving them isn't a crazy question Janis: if you don't want to answer, don't, it's fine Jimmy: like I said, if you'd ever done it you'd get that it's a bollocks question Janis: Well you know I haven't Jimmy: she ain't gonna treat me how she does there, she can't unless I were here to hand round the drinks Janis: she's a cunt Janis: I'm aware Jimmy: 🏆 Janis: she's incapable of not treating people like shit, no matter who you are to her Janis: she has them, her best friends, running 'round after her as much as she does you whenever she comes in Janis: that's what she is, I know that Jimmy: me an' all Janis: yeah, so no need to talk to me like I'm thick just 'cos I've never had to clean up after her Janis: known and been around the bitch much longer, I've had my fair share, don't worry Jimmy: I don't wanna talk about her, that's what I'm trying to get into your head Janis: We're at her party, we're doing this whole thing Janis: what else could we talk about Jimmy: nowt obvs Janis: right Jimmy: 🔈 Janis: 👍 loud and clear Jimmy: [come back in and get more drinks boy you can't 🚬 forever] Janis: [just hiding forever though] Jimmy: ? Janis: yes? Jimmy: I've got you a drink, where do you want it? Janis: Eh Janis: I'll come down Jimmy: leave all that enthusiasm up there, can't even handle how #extra that response were, my dear Janis: I'll be suitably gracious by the time I arrive, don't worry Jimmy: weren't about to lose any sleep Janis: sure, what's another fight at another party Janis: not counterintuitive at all Jimmy: I'm not gonna fight with you Jimmy: just come here Janis: Maybe I don't feel like not fighting Jimmy: I'm a dickhead, don't mean you've gotta be an' all Janis: you definitely don't get to own being a dickhead, tah very much Jimmy: I don't wanna fight with you, alright? Janis: [comes to get her drink in response] Jimmy: [hugs her in response because she knows that's a thing he genuinely does lately not a fake thing like kissing her or something would be] Janis: [hugs back of course] Jimmy: [gets her to dance with him because what better way to pretend that there's nobody else here just you two] Janis: ['mates?' when you'd have to whisper that in his ear and it's low-key the only reason you did it 'cos any excuse to be unreasonably close] Jimmy: [whispers back 'best mates' but it's said in such a flirty manner obvs] Janis: [😏 but 😍 on the low 'cos we can pretend they fake thanks party people, holds her pinky out like promise] Jimmy: [does promise of course and then just holding her hand doing some of the massage stuff from earlier on it so once again she knows it's real but it looks just like they being saucy and fake] Janis: ['I wish we were still in your bed' when you can just say it 'cos it sounds right but y'all don't even know] Jimmy: ['we can go back to mine whenever you're ready' because they have community service together in the AM anyway so it's believable that she would just stay because such a goals couple who are together 24 7 clearly] Janis: ['good' but your face on the low is like yeah right/I wish 'cos Ian hates you] Jimmy: [when you read her mind so you cup that adorable little face in your hands and you're like 'my dad's nowt to worry about' because you genuinely don't give a fuck but luckily it also sounds very romeo and juliet fuck our parents vibes so #goals] Janis: ['I don't care if you don't, but are you sure?' when you can just say what you mean and have it fit, this is so useful lmao] Jimmy: ['I just wanna be with you' because she literally said it earlier and meant it so I have to because #same] Janis: [soz gonna make out with you] Jimmy: [not soz because clearly so into it] Janis: [blurred lines remix] Jimmy: [mhmmm] Janis: [so glad your plan backfired, Mia] Jimmy: [I hope you and Harry both see this cos fuck y'all] Janis: [she's always watching lmao] Jimmy: [enjoy their love bitch] Janis: [the levels of get a room they are at rn has never been higher] Jimmy: [god bless, love that for you especially because as far as everyone knows you literally did get a room earlier but you were just snooping lol] Janis: [just like they insatiable, which is true but not yet lol Jimmy: [you know nobody's ever been that into any of the flat whites, sucks to suck ladies] Janis: [when parties make you sad 'cos people being 😍] Jimmy: [the realest] Janis: [you two gonna have to tone it down 'fore you alienate them totally rn] Jimmy: [I'm trying to think what else they could do to annoy Mia/win the rest over within this party setting] Janis: [hmm maybe some kind of game moment or similar vibe where they can just be really cute about each other with their answers so the rest are like awh idk] Jimmy: [yeah drinking games are always real and they could do some cute teamwork too but also pick a flat white to team up with maybe so Mia will be fuming] Janis: [basically be up for a laugh 'cos Mia is NEVER and discourages it like no, that's lame etc] Jimmy: [exactly they'd be living their best lives, except 💀#2] Jimmy: [they gonna win you over too though girl cos nothing will annoy Mia more] Janis: [gotta get her nearest and dearest, like but gonna have to play the long game with that one] Jimmy: [when he's gonna end up having fun even though he hates everyone but Janis highkey] Janis: [the mood] Jimmy: [you deserve it boy after all that bullshit with Ian and the like] Janis: [community service in the AM baby] Jimmy: [at least they're not drunk af this time so they won't have to do it really hungover] Janis: [and it's gonna lowkey be fun we know anyway even if they don't yet] Jimmy: [you're gonna love it lads] Janis: [again, they have not thought your punishment through here and I'm about it] Jimmy: [how real is that though, oh adults] Janis: [at least Grace can tell Cali she's at his and they will be suitably fuming, get the parental hate rolling on both sides] Jimmy: [yeah we gotta] Janis: [like you don't know safer than what her actual plan was, 'scuse you] Jimmy: [Yeah Grace would be happy that she's there like thank god] Janis: [least you're not dead vibes] Jimmy: [or gone forever who knows where] Janis: [like tomorrow night is anyone's guess lads] Jimmy: [just stay with him always girl we know you wanna] Janis: [obvs but how long can you fake stay with someone hmm] Jimmy: [how long can you guys share a bed and nothing happens more like lol] Janis: [exactly dr phil, can't exactly be on his sofa can you] Jimmy: [I was thinking for tonight we could cockblock them by saying Bobby and Twix are in his bed asleep when they get back cos miss him #adorable so he wakes up when they come in and Jimmy has to go sleep with him in his room because we all know if they share a bed rn we won't be able to stop something real happening even if that's only a kiss or something] Janis: [I accept that, we can always do online messages then too so] Jimmy: [soz about the levels of frustration though lads] Janis: [we're just cockblocking 'til it's silly we all know it] Jimmy: [you've brought this on yourselves, just say how you really feel or do something undeniable when you're alone] Janis: [my boo say say it you cowards] Jimmy: [I do, I'm mad which makes no sense because fake dating is my fave and that ends it junie you silly goose] Janis: [we don't/won't push it 'til it makes no sense lol, but we can move it to a place of 'we can just be fuck buddies and carry on the fake' as if that's not even more of a headfuck guys] Jimmy: [god bless, that'll be fun and games so we simply must make that more of a thing than we did before] Janis: ['cos it's a way to admit some shit, like yeah, obvs this chemistry is real but still be like, we don't LIKE each other though] Jimmy: [a very them thing to do we all know it] Janis: [see 'let's be mates' baby steps] Jimmy: [we are sneaky gals and I'm about it] Janis: [still, not tonight sweaties] Jimmy: [we could maybe have something happen at the rave/festival whichever that we've still gotta do though] Janis: [that is a good idea, and maybe they invite the flat whites to that so they have their tent near each other whatever and it's another thing Mia would HATE] Jimmy: [yaaaaas] Janis: [hohaha its a plan, you probably can leave this party now though and skip] Jimmy: [going hard because your tent is next to theirs but then it's less and less about that we 👀 you, but yeah for now you can go lads and have your night not end at all like how you want because we're rude like that] Janis: [shameless, but Imma just say night 'cos see above lol] Janis: 🛏💤 Jimmy: chuck the 🐕 out if it does your head in Janis: she's alright Janis: passed out ages ago Jimmy: bit of a lightweight Janis: just my magic touch, like Jimmy: give her a massage an' all? Jimmy: know how to make a lad feel special you 💔 Janis: 💔 Janis: nah, if you'd settle for head pats my life would be easier but here we are Jimmy: I've never said I wouldn't Jimmy: be proper goals any road, they don't want a lad, they want a pet Jimmy: 🐸 or 🦎 Janis: 😏 Janis: well I'm with PETA on this one Janis: rather it was a lad than some totally defenseless creature, like Jimmy: must be pissed if you're admitting how 💪🏆 I am Janis: Hardly Janis: but every lad they ever get their hands on at least gets a few punches in themselves Janis: if the 😭💔 is anything to go by, even if you halved it to account for dramatics Jimmy: must be 💕 then Janis: Clearly Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: what were it you said, if you ain't got nowt nice to say, don't emoji at me, dickhead Janis: you wouldn't complain if it were a 💘 Jimmy: so go on Janis: 🖤😎🥇 Jimmy: 😏 Janis: try harder Janis: those are your favourites, like Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Jimmy: Alright? Janis: I'll take it Jimmy: [sends her a pic of Bobby asleep all over him in this tiny bed like an adorable sos] Janis: Aww Janis: crazy night here too, obvs Jimmy: if you had socks on you'd wake up without 'em Jimmy: hardened criminal that 🐕 Janis: Sounds like a dubious cover for some #kinkunlocked behaviour tbh Janis: but I'll take your word for it Janis: even if she looks like an 😇 Jimmy: might be one of hers but I've 👀 and 🖐 your feet and you're alright, tah Janis: When you broke 'em, you mean Janis: hm Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: it were your own fault Janis: You wanna go to bed on an argument then, alright Jimmy: you know I don't Janis: yeah Janis: feel a bit rude cussing you out when I know there's a kid like 😴 on your shoulder anyway Jimmy: you can always go through my shit if you're well mardy at me Jimmy: my diary's hidden proper Janis: 😏 Janis: wouldn't even be surprised if you had a diary Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: you know I can't read or write, Jenna Janis: picture book then Janis: even artier Jimmy: 🥔 prints Jimmy: get me in a northern gallery that Janis: don't be pissing about with 🥔 Janis: sacrilege Jimmy: coal then Janis: long as you keep it off your face Janis: know what you're like Jimmy: Oi Janis: I should be oing you Jimmy: we're playing nice, you agreed Janis: Don't you think I'm being nice? Jimmy: Don't make me come in there Janis: Or what Jimmy: I'll sort you out, girl Jimmy: bed time or nah Janis: yeah right Jimmy: Challenge accepted Jimmy: keep going, see if I don't Janis: You've never sorted me out before Janis: no reason to be 🙀 that tonight is any different Jimmy: [cue him going in for the flirtiest but quietest playfight they've EVER had because I have to] Janis: [what a moment bye] Jimmy: [the TENSION I cannot] Janis: [we dying boys] Jimmy: [like what are you gonna do now boy just leave like it never happened or are you gonna try and stay? I'd love to know] Janis: [lmao please tell] Jimmy: [can we let him or is that too dangerous oh the dilemma] Janis: you have slept with each other before like that but is either of you that sleepy rn hmm] Jimmy: [we know they're not tired we 👀 you] Janis: [mhmm, I'm like bitch don't you ask him to stay either] Jimmy: [I'll make him go back, we must be strong] Janis: [okay hehe] Jimmy: [unless something did happen and then it makes community service awkward oh ho] Janis: [that's an idea] Jimmy: [like if one of them freaks out somehow how they do and we've done before in other situations idk] Janis: [yeah, or is shamelessly ignoring lowkey tomorrow like that never happened, either one of them could, like] Jimmy: [yeah because y'all ain't even drunk so you can't use the don't remember excuse] Janis: [we all know you remember and there was no pretense of having a phone nearby or whatever] Jimmy: [the question is how far are we gonna let them go and who's taking the plunge] Janis: [hmm, we can save all the way for later, I think he should 'cos blatantly egging him like the whole time they're 'fighting' it's not subtext] Jimmy: [I agree with that and he's not gonna back down because the whole challenge and 'you've never sorted me out before' comment so he's clearly gotta in all the ways Harry has never] Janis: [Exactly, we know what she was saying there and so do they] Jimmy: [when he makes you feel amazing and then leaves like a sexy 👻 because the flimsy excuse of hearing someone and thinking your brother is awake again or something] Janis: [who's ignoring who tomorrow or are we both, what's the vibe of it] Jimmy: [I feel like he should ignore her because he did it so how real but how shady] Janis: [I vibe, then she can be mad and initiate the awkward convo/argument like 'scuse me] Jimmy: [yeah because she probably didn't get chance to do much to him because he was on a #mission with a point to prove so she's probably thinking it's a mmfd to be continued kind of situation like IOU boy and then he's so rude] Janis: [that's a plan, will post this one now though]

[cromulentbookreview]

Werewolves of Florida

I saw a werewolf with a parrilla menu in his hand /

Walking through the streets of Miami in the rain /

He was looking for a place called Novecento /

Gonna get a big dish of entraña /

Aaoooooo /

Werewolves of Florida /

Aaoooooo /

Sorry. 

(I’m not sorry. Aaooooooo!)

And by that, I mean: Lobizona by Romina Garber!

Well, if you’d expect werewolves to show up in America, where else but Florida?

Ha. Florida. The butt of so many jokes. It’s easy to make fun of Florida (fun, too!), so as a lifelong resident of the Pacific Northwest...I’m going to continue making fun of Florida, a state I’ve never been to and will likely never visit as I have no intention of being eaten by a gator or a python or a python gator or whatever insane creatures live down there.

I kid, I’m sure there are places in Florida that are perfectly lovely. They just happen to coexist with the insanity that is the rest of Florida. 

Anyway! Werewolves in Florida! It sounds possible. Seriously, could you imagine the headlines? “Florida werewolf brings drugs to a drug bust, gets himself busted”? “Florida werewolf charged with assault with deadly weapon after throwing alligator through Wendy’s drive-thru window”? 

In this case, however, there aren’t just werewolves in Florida, but Brujas as well! Both sound like people you would find in Florida. “Florida Bruja drops pants, licks man, dances naked in Waffle House parking lot”?

Where was I? Oh. Yes. Lobizona by Romina Garber!

Seventeen-year-old Manuela Azul (she goes by Manu) and her mother, Soledad, have been living in Miami illegally for most of Manu’s life. Manu has a strange eye condition, in which her pupils and irises look like stars so she has to wear sunglasses 24/7 to avoid freaking other people out. Though I’m certain if she walked into an optometrist’s convention with eyes like those she’d immediately be the most popular girl in the whole room, but since she and her mom are in the country illegally, that sort of attention would be very, very bad.

Soledad had to flee Argentina because Manu’s father, Fierro, was supposedly high up with some bad people who disapproved with his relationship with Soledad. So much so that they killed him, sending Soledad into hiding. If they knew Soledad was alive, and that Manu even existed, Fierro’s people would kill them both.

And, as if hiding from Fierro’s people were bad enough, Manu and Soledad are on a constant lookout for ICE. If their apartment building is raided by ICE, they could be deported, back to Argentina where they’d be sitting ducks for Fierro’s murderous family and friends. So Manu has lived a sheltered life within a tiny apartment with her mom and their elderly friend Perla, who has sheltered them for years.

And! As if being an undocumented immigrant with freaky-eye syndrome forever anxious that the next car might be full of ICE agents while stuck in a tiny apartment was bad enough, Manu also - also! - suffers from horrible periods. Joy. Every month, her mom gives her a special pill that puts her to sleep for three straight days just so she sleep through the pain. That’s shit makes PCOS sound like a walk in the park. (Note: do not go for a walk in the park right now and if you do remain 6 feet away from everyone else at all times). Also, where can I get a hold of a drug that can let me sleep through my period? I like the sound of that.

So Manu has spent much of her life dreaming of escape and a life without fear. Currently, her only hope is the knowledge that her mom is doing her best to get them both legal status. Then one day, Manu notices some strange people hanging around her apartment building. Then Perla is attacked and hospitalized. In a panic, Manu rushes off to find her mom...only to find that Soledad has been lying to her for quite some time. Soledad isn’t a maid for some rich lady - she works at an underground Miami clinic. And she never intended to apply for legal status for her and Manu. 

Just as she’s reeling from this revelation, ICE raids the underground clinic. From here, the story takes a weird left-turn. On the run, Manu leaps into the back of a truck, and, after a long ride that sounded way more comfortable than a long ride in the bed of a truck should sound (seriously, there’s no jostling, no being flung about, no wind burn...I get that Florida is pretty flat, but aren’t there potholes? Rocks? Also, isn’t it illegal for someone to ride in the bed of a truck? How did no one else not see her and call the cops?) she ends up deep within the Florida Everglades. After somehow hopping out of the guy’s truck without him noticing that she was ever in there (again, how??? I drive a truck and would absolutely notice if someone were hitching a ride back there. Hey, how come I’m fishtailing significantly less than I usually do? Oh, wait, there’s a human back there) Manu stumbles upon...

A secret school for brujas and werewolves. In the Florida Everglades. And she meets people her age who have eyes just like hers. Suddenly, the puzzle pieces start fitting together - her father must have been a part of this society, not some criminal organization. Manu is half magic. She’s living the ultimate Harry Potter dream! And, somehow, without paying tuition or applying, Manu is allowed to join the school. Finaly, Manu has somewhere that she belongs, and even begins to make friends. She even starts making eyes at a hunky werewolf named Tiago.

There’s just one problem, though. The society that Manu has found herself in has some pretty strict gender roles. Girls are brujas, guys are werewolves. Period, end of sentence. But, even though she definitely belongs among this magical society, Manu doesn’t really have the powers of a bruja. She’s something else.

And there is one thing her mom wasn’t lying about - Fierro’s people are still pissed. Brujas and werewolves are not supposed to have relationships with humans. It’s forbidden. Like, really forbidden. Ultra forbidden. If Manu is found to be half-human, she’ll be killed.

So Manu has traded living forever in fear being an undocumented immigrant in America...for living forever in fear being half-human in a world of magical creatures who think hybrids are evil.

Good luck with that, Manu! Also, there’s still the question of the whereabouts of her still missing father. Is he dead? Alive? And what is Manu, if she’s not a bruja?

(If you speak Spanish, the title is a dead giveaway. Let me give you a hint: Manu’s hair is perfect. Aaooooo!)

Despite a couple of hiccups in the beginning - the book starts pretty slow before taking that weird left-turn into the Everglades and Bruja Werewolf academy. And, as is typical in the first book of a series, much time is spent establishing everything, and less on giving us closure or answers to the big questions. Like, for example, the fate of Mimitos. See, Manu has one friend in the apartment complex, an adorable cat named Mimitos. Mimitos’s owner is a bit senile, so Manu takes care of him...only after Manu flees after Perla is attacked, Mimitos disappears and is promptly never mentioned again. What happened to Mimitos? Is he OK? Is someone feeding him or giving him water and pets and cuddles and WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MIMITOS, ROMINA?!!?! I demand answers.

Maybe he went off to live in the Cat Kingdom from The Cat Returns? Maybe? Probably? Hopefully?

Ahem. Well, my ability to render a serious and well-thought out book review in the time of COVID-19 has gone to shit, so I’ll be brief. Lobizona is gorgeously written and a fascinating blend of YA contemporary and YA fantasy. I also love the warring gender dynamics within the magical society of brujas and werewolves - not everyone loves the strict binary, or the fact that they’re not allowed to hang out with humans. Ultimately, Lobizona is a brilliant story of a girl looking desperately for a place to belong within not just one, but two worlds that don’t want her - that have deemed her wrong. Illegal. And Manu is tired of that bullshit. If the human and magical worlds don’t want her, damn it, she’s going to go off and find a place that does.

Go forth and kick ass, Manu!

Another aspect of the book that I really liked (your mileage may vary, depending on how big of a language nerd you are) is how Garber discussed how there are many different dialects of Spanish. Argentinian Spanish apparently has a sing-song quality which makes me wonder if the English dialect equivalent of Argentinian Spanish would be Upper Midwest English, you know, like in Fargo. The Upper Midwest was settled heavily by Scandinavian immigrants and the Scandinavian languages do have a sing-song quality to them, then, well...

I'd love to know more about the different dialects of Spanish. If only I'd learned Spanish. I didn’t. I learned German, Schwachkopf that I am.

Which brings me to my rant, because I do love to rant. This does have something to do with Lobizona. Kind of. Anyway:

One of my biggest pet peeves in fiction is untranslated dialog. For some reason it really irks me, mostly because it reminds me of how dumb I am and how I should have learned more than just one other foreign language. I mean, seriously, I should have learned Spanish. I never did because I was that contrary moron who, upon seeing that everyone else was taking Spanish said, “screw you, I’ll take German!” Ultimately a bad idea, but, hey, Deutsch ist eine Wunderschöne Sprache. I don’t mind bits of untranslated stuff, so long as there are context clues as to what they might be saying. 

I also find it annoying to have a sentence in a different language, and then have the sentence immediately after translate the preceding sentence. For readers that are fluent in both languages, you just made them read the same sentence twice, unless there’s a bilingual bonus in there. For readers out there who don’t speak that language, their eyes just glaze over and they skip the dialog entirely, in favor of the translation. Why not just say they were speaking in [insert foreign language here] then continue on? 

I mean, I get wanting to show off your foreign language skills, or make the reader feel good about their language skills, or give a nod to fellow native speakers who also have had to master the cluster fuck of a language that is English (seriously, one of the best descriptions of the English language I’ve read is that English is basically three children in a trench coat pretending to be an adult, but as a language). Still, I find untranslated dialog super annoying. Because I dumb.

The worst example of this that I’ve ever encountered (and probably what soured me for any other instances of untranslated dialog ever in the future) was in this terrible translation of Thomas Mann’s The Magic Mountain that I read in college - you’d think an English translation of a German book would be entirely in English...yeah no, 3/4 of the way in, I found myself facing pages - multiple pages! - of untranslated....French.

French! 

In a book that had already been translated from the German.

Damn it, translator, was there some sort of contract dispute in which you said, “well, they’re paying me to translate the book from German to English, so I’ll just leave these several pages of French conversation untranslated.”

Rrraaaage. 

I was already frustrated with that book (it’s not great) but slogging through several pages of untranslated French with zero footnotes or even a translation provided in the afterward made me want to set the book on fire.

What does this have to do with Lobizona? Very little, except there are a few instances of untranslated dialog that, even if you speak zero Spanish, you’ll be able to figure out pretty quick. It just gave me awful Zauberberg flashbacks that brought back all that rrrrrage.

Fuck it, guys, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, and I promise cromulent reviews, not good ones.

RECOMMENDED FOR: Anyone looking for an amazing blend of YA contemporary lit and fantasy that features kickass werewolves living in the Florida Everglades.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: Bigots, assholes, people who use the word “illegals” to refer to other human beings, werewolves who hate brujas, brujas who hate werewolves, non YA fantasy fans, anyone who objects to YA fiction containing actual real world problems.

RATING:4/5

RELEASE DATE: May 5, 2020

WEREWOLF RATING:

HOW TERRIFIED I AM OF COVID-19 RIGHT NOW:

Ahahahahaha I’m scared you guys. I still have to commute via public transportation to work downtown in a major city.