#how the fuck do you even unlearn it. every time i feel good i start panicking and it's gone. i can't even take a break and enjoy it

[daz4i]

saying "I've been pavlov'ed into unhappiness" is such a weird sentence i hate that it's true

[stuckinapril]

how do you fall in love with yourself

unlearn the idea that confidence is conceit. i see this belief imposed on women especially, that if they’re very unapologetic about loving themselves it automatically means they’re narcissistic / think they’re better than everybody else. that’s not true at all. you can love yourself while also acknowledging you’re not inherently better than anyone else. you can love yourself while also being kind & supportive to others. it’s okay to be both of these things at once.

let go of the scarcity mindset. women (everyone really, but especially women) get pitted/compared against each other all the time. you see it w female celebrities in the media, but it’s very prevalent in real life as well. this is very much years of societal conditioning & both women & men partake in this behavior. ignore it. rest easy knowing that there can be multiple beautiful women, multiple smart women, multiple funny women in any environment at any given time. there is enough clout to go around; you don’t need to feel like if there’s another pretty/smart girl it means you no longer have the space to also be a pretty/smart girl. instead operate from an abundance mindset: always (alwaysss) be happy for other girls when they succeed, when they’re praised, when they’re loved, whatever. see them not as competition but as inspiration. envy is such a colossal waste of time bc nobody else’s accomplishments have any bearing on your own!!

get to know yourself more. i love the analogy of dating yourself bc it’s true. i went through a rough period of being around my ex 24/7 to the point i didn’t even know myself, and then i spent the post-breakup year hanging around everyone else constantly to numb my thoughts. now i’m spending more time alone than ever & i’m getting to know myself so much. learning about my taste in fashion, music, everything. and i’ve had so much more time to invest in hobbies & skills, which is very instrumental to building healthy self-esteem. ofc there’s a more balanced way to do this, but make sure you’re not running away from yourself!

what do you like outside of everybody’s opinion? don’t interpret this the wrong way—it’s completely fine to be inspired. every single person you know has copied someone else to an extent. but if you find yourself going too far, not trusting yourself to make the simplest decisions, just following trends blindly and nothing else, you’ve left the inspiration territory and started crossing into plagiarism. move from a place of self-direction and really think about what is naturally appealing to you. it doesn’t matter if it’s not popular or nobody else likes it. if you like it & if it makes you happy, that’s all you need.

practice self-love! i had to do this lol but it works wonders. i started intentionally telling myself that i trust my own taste, that i trust my own choices, that if i think something’s cool it’s good enough, talking to myself kindly etc etc. eventually all this stuff will become natural to you & you won’t find yourself having to expend so much energy into simply loving you for you. don’t give up even if it’s hard to believe at times.

don’t give a fuck. seriously. just don’t give a single flying fuck what someone else has to say. there will always be That One Person who tries to tear you down, belittles you, gaslights you etc etc and if you know in your heart you’re not doing anything wrong, just ignore and keep it pushing. you can’t be everyone’s favorite person (nor should you want to be). think of your favorite celebrity. anyone ever. they probably all got subjected to hate. now think of how they’re successful still & how it didn’t take anything away from them. there you go <3

if literally everyone on this planet starts hating you, loving yourself is still the antidote. to clarify, how others perceive us does hold weight. but if legit every single person i know started hating me, and i still loved myself, i’d probably still live a full life bc my perception is all that really matters in the end. i don’t need anyone else to be my #1 fan—i can do that myself just fine. it technically is actually your world & everyone else is just living in it. so enjoy that! stop giving a hard time to the one person who will always be w you through thick and thin (yourself). eat good food & watch good shows & read good books & just have fun. i love u

[solar-plant-princess]

Everything I see and hear about the live action remake of Avatar is just a spit in the face. It’s so disrespectful to the characters. The writing is a mess and unfocused. And they routinely attempt to sanitize and soften all the characters, deflating the value and purpose of their character arcs.

There is nothing they can do to salvage this. The actors deserve far better than to be stuck in this poorly written disaster.

This is the end state of all soulless cash grab remakes. Gut out all the worthwhile character development in order to make room for empty set pieces and gags in a desperate attempt to replace heart with a modicum of entertainment value. They aren’t interested in telling a new or even good story, they just want to cash in on brand recognition and will take out all the worthwhile stuff and add unnecessary fluff the whole way.

Don’t give them anymore money, don’t watch the show, don’t watch the future seasons. Don’t waste your time on a show that will only ever respond to you wanting genuinely good content with a spit to the face.

Also the meta level sexism of removing ALL of Katara’s personality is just disgusting (same with literally every other named woman character, the genuine misogyny from the writers is on full display the entire time), it’s literally on par with the play episode where the actress is constantly whining about “hope” while doing nothing else, that’s legitimately where they are at.

Zuko fights back against his dad, and doesn’t even mention his honor ever, so what’s even the point of his redemption arc if he had that in him from the start?

Aang doesn’t run away from his responsibilities (or the Air Temple for that matter, he just gets caught in a storm by chance) or need to learn how to accept being the Avatar, or even feel guilt about what happened to the Air Nomads so what’s the point of his arc?

Sokka doesn’t need to unlearn his false bravado or learn how to be a real leader, literally being written out of the Jet episode where he was the starring protagonist, so what’s the point of his arc?

I’m willing to put actual money on Toph’s parents actually just letting her leave and in fact will not even condescend to her about her disability. What’s the fucking point of this show if none of the characters are allowed to have any flaws or growth or personality????

(I also simply can’t ever forgive them for the broad daylight murder and butchering of Suki. Taking a strong confident leader who humbled Sokka by force into accepting that women were just as worthy and capable as men and made him not just accept but embrace her culture. To a spoiled brat that spends her entire screen time being boy crazy, and teaches Sokka literally nothing other than some fighting moves while THANKING him for “bringing the world to me”, by which she means being a boy she can oogle at. This isn’t Suki, this isn’t Katara, the writers are beyond sexist pigs for this shit.

They wanted to improve Sokka’s reputation that wasn’t even threatened and in turn reduced every single named woman to flat-caricatures of incapable, quiet, obedient, boy obsessed little girls all of which rely entirely on the men in the show to do anything.

This is beyond the pale in overt but unacknowledged misogyny which is an insult to every member of the audience especially all the women in the audience. They make it very clear they actually just agree with not-that-covert sexism and patriarchy and it’s disgusting. Never watch this show, dear god never show this to kids who might pick up on this dogshit misogyny)

[saviorellie]

unlearn me.

pairing : abby anderson x reader

pov : second person , she/her pronouns

word count : 2.97k words

warning(s) : angst !!!!!!!! there is no happy ending unforch D: wrestler!abby mention ! abby running from her feelings ! mean!abby if you squint ! once again, the ending is not happy i'm warning you now !!!

notes : first abby fic on this acc [celebration emoji] !!!! i’m so excited to finally post this !!

abby had fucked it up. again. 

every time she met someone new, every time she let someone get anywhere near her, she fucked it up. it didn’t matter if she thought they were good for her, if they were nice to her, if they made her feel wanted. she always pushed them away.

she would always tell herself “don’t let them get to close”. they can’t know her too well or see too much or they’ll get scared. and they’ll leave. she had to make sure that she was the one who left first. ending the relationship before it even began, ghosting them after the first date, or the first time they got to see too much of her. she hated that this is how her brain had been wired, hated that she always just hurt herself before someone got the chance to hurt her in the first place.

and as hard as she had tried to fight it, your dates with her were no different. 

the first time you guys met was like a scene from a movie. you car had broken down in the parking lot of your university and abby was staying on campus later for wrestling practice. and being the gentleman she was, she offered to drive you home. she had seen you around campus before, at football games or at parties or in the dining hall. though she’d never admit it, she always thought you were cute. and who was she to make a pretty girl sit outside on a park bench all night?

as soon as the words inviting you to get in her car left her mouth, she knew she had made a huge mistake. you batted your tear filled eyes at her and smiled that stupid smile where your bottom lip gets caught between your teeth.

“really?” you asked, honey dripping from your words. and it was too late for her to say no. 

“uh… yeah,” she coughed, opening her passenger side door for you. “hop in.”

the entire ride home you couldn’t stop fucking talking. you had the sweetest voice and it was like you just had to stress abby out. like your one goal in life was the make her grip the steering wheel tighter and make sweat form on her upper lip. 

when she pulled up in front of your apartment building, she felt this giant weight be lifted off of her shoulders. get out, she was thinking. not because she was mad at you or she didn’t want to be around you. she just couldn’t. 

“seriously, thank you so much, abby,” you had smiled at her now that your feet were planted firmly on the ground, hand on her passenger side door. 

“yeah, it’s no problem,” she sighed. as much as she secretly enjoyed your presence, you needed to go. she needed to get you and your big eyes and your soft voice out of her line of sight and out of her mind.

 “let me make it up to you,” you started, eyebrows furrowing as you thought. “let me take you out! i know this great restaurant nearby, i’ll treat you. it’s the least i can do.”

her heart was racing 1000 miles a minute. ‘let me take you out’?

“y/n it’s really not that big of a deal. you don’t have to,” please don’t, “take me out.”

“abby, i would’ve been sitting out there all night if you hadn’t driven me home. please, just let me buy you dinner.”

she sighed. it would be rude of her to say no more firmly. but she couldn’t go. could she?

fuck it. it’s only one dinner.

“yeah,” she ran a hand through her hair. “fine. dinner. just let me know when.”

one dinner, she had thought. one friday night dinner. she was going to let you buy her a burger and tell her how much you appreciated the drive home and then never speak to you again. 

but she couldn’t do it. for once in her life, she couldn't find it in her heart to ghost you. you were so sweet and smart and funny and abby enjoyed being around you. normally she could do a date, maybe two, and then she just couldn’t stay. she never felt remorse, pushing it from her mind as soon as it was over. but she knows that she would never forgive herself if she did that to you.

so, two months after that drive home, you were still hanging out. you had been to dinner 9 times at that point. sometimes her treat, sometimes yours. you had been to movies and to parties and had a few study dates. your friends were starting to ask if you were together. and her friends had started to question her.

everyone knew you. you were the smart, sweet girl who tutored everybody. you were always invited to every party, every outing. you weren’t popular or anything. you were just nice. and people liked you.

so when abby’s friends saw you hanging around her, they started to get worried. they had talked with abby about her “dating” habits before. and while they could talk about every girl on campus, they always agreed that you were off limits. abby’s orders, from herself and her friends, were to avoid you at all cost. you had tutored some of her friends, shared your perfectly organized notes with a few others. and so they all agreed that you were too kind and too trusting for abby to hurt.

“abby…” her roommate had started one day after you left their apartment, “why was she here?”

“’s nothing,” abby had mumbled, “i gave her a ride home a few weeks ago and she still thinks she needs to make it up to me. it’ll be fine just- just give me a few days and i’ll cut her lose.”

tonight was the night, she had told herself. she was going to go over to your apartment, hang out like everything was normal, and then avoid you at all costs. that was the plan.

you opened the door to let her in in your pajama shorts and slippers, your hair pulled out of your face. she looks so beautif- stop. 

abby had given you a quick hug and sat on your couch and tried to pay attention to whatever movie you had put on. all she could think about was you. when she was going to remove the smiley face by your name in her phone, when she was going to take the pictures of you off of her instagram highlights. how pretty you looked, how funny you were, how you made her smile so fucking wide her cheeks hurt. 

she didn’t leave until past midnight, hanging on to ask much as you as she could before she inevitably left. you were leaning on your doorframe, the dreamiest look in your eye, looking up at her like she had hung the moon just for you. 

“i’ll see you tomorrow?”

abby sighed. “i, uh, i have practice tomorrow.”

you smiled at her. “ok… just let me know when you’re free.”

she rolled her eyes. god, can you please take a hint so she doesn’t feel like a dick tomorrow? 

“i mean i guess, whatever,” she snapped. she tried to ignore the way your eyes widened and the way your eyebrows furrowed at her sudden outburst. “i’ll see you later, y/n.” and with that she turned and walked away, ignoring the soft “bye, abby” that left your lips and the way the door closed harder than it normally does. she just couldn’t think about it. she needed to push you out of her mind. she couldn’t let you get too close.

seven days. that’s how long it had been. one week with no contact with you. you had texted, obviously. but she had turned her read receipts off and left you on delivered. maybe if she ignored you enough, was just mean enough to you that day she left your apartment, you would leave her alone. but apparently, nothing can ever go the way she wants. 

wednesday y/n :) hey ellie said she didn’t see you in class today. are you ok? i know how bad that class has been stressing you out. i can bring you dinner tonight if you want, if you’re not feeling well

thursday y/n :) do you wanna meet in the library today around noonish? i know you don’t have a class so i figured i could help you study for that exam if you wanted.

y/n :) if you’re sick let me know, i wouldn’t mind bringing you soup or the notes from your class or whatever

did i do something to upset you? if you could text me when you’re not busy, that’d be great :)

friday y/n :) abby i don’t know what i did but i really miss you please just call me

saturday  y/n :) please just tell me what i did

you sounded desperate and you knew it. but you didn’t care. you were desperate. you had become so close in the past two months and then all of a sudden abby was radio silent. if you didn’t know better you would’ve thought she had fucking died with how quiet she’s been. 

abby had read all of your texts and listened to the two voicemails you left over and over. she just needed to push through. if she ignored you for long enough, you would stop calling and stop texting. you would stop cooking her dinner and inviting her on study dates. you just needed time to grieve the relationship that wasn’t and you’d move on. abby didn’t even think she had let you get to know her that well yet. 

but even though she would never admit it, she missed you. she missed the way you laughed too loudly and spoke too quietly. she missed the way you held on to her arm at parties and when you were just sitting in her car. she missed talking and texting and just being around you. she had lost sleep over your last text message. the guilt was starting to eat her alive.

you hadn’t texted or texted since saturday. it was tuesday. abby had thought that maybe you had moved on already, meaning she needed to get over it too. she didn’t understand why she felt so guilty. 

when she heard a knock on her door at midnight, you were the last person she was expecting to see. 

you were standing here in the exact same outfit she had left you in a week ago. the same shorts and the same slippers. the only difference was that now, your face was bright red and your eyes were filled with tears. your arms were crossed and you were shaking. if abby didn’t know any better, she would think you were freezing. 

“y/n…” she started. she didn’t want to be mean to you. she didn’t want to hurt your feelings more than they had, apparently, already been hurt. “why are you here? are you okay?”

you rolled your eyes at her, hands falling to your sides. “i don’t know, abby. are you?”

abby’s eyebrows were furrowed and it was taking everything in her not to fall to her knees and apologize to you. for hurting you the way she obviously had. 

“yeah, i’m fine. it’s midnight, y/n, did you walk here?” she grabbed your wrist and pulled you inside her apartment. she didn’t want whatever you were about to say to her to be heard by the entire floor.

you rip your wrist from her grasp. “are you sure you’re fine? because you come to my house and watch a movie with me like everything is normal, and then all of sudden you’re ignoring my texts and declining my calls and not showing up to class,” you sighed. you really didn’t want to fight with her, you felt a little silly coming here anyway. you weren’t dating, she wasn’t yours, so she wasn’t obligated to answer your texts. but still. it hurt. 

your lip was quivering when you asked her the question that had been floating around in your brain for almost a week. 

“did i do something wrong?”

your voice was so small and so sweet and so… sad. abby wanted to scoop you up into her arms and kiss your face and apologize over and over again like ‘sorry’ was the only word she knew. she wasn’t angry. she just felt like a dick.

“y/n,” she ran a hand over her face. she was trying to find the right words to tell that it’s not that she didn’t want to be around you. she just couldn’t. “you didn’t do anything wrong. it’s just…” her voice trailed off.

“it’s just what?” you asked, your hands flying up in exasperation. “i’ve heard from so many people that you’re mean and selfish and that you’ll just break my heart and not look back. but that day that you drove me home i though ‘maybe this is different. maybe she’ll actually let me stick around and be her friend.’ but instead of ghosting me right after we met, you waited until i started having a fucking cru-“ you cut yourself off. now was not the time for love confessions. at least not from your end. “you waited until we became close friends and then decided to ditch me!”

your chest was heaving and your hands were shaking. you didn’t know if you wanted to yell at her more or slap her or kiss her until you couldn’t breath.

“y/n but we’re not close friends! you don’t know anything about me!” 

you were taken aback. ‘you don’t know anything about me’? how little had the two months meant to her?

“abby, i know everything about you. your favorite color is green but not lime green, forest green. your favorite food is a grilled cheese but only when i make it. you don’t want to be a professional wrestler because you don’t want to have to be rougher than you already are. you hate cold weather and phone calls, you prefer facetime. i could go on and on about all the stupid little facts i know about you! saying i don’t know anything about you is not only just not true, it fucking hurts.”

abby was just standing there. she didn’t know what to say. obviously, you knew so much about her. she knew that even before you started listing things. she knew that you saw her in a way that nobody else ever had. and that fact scared her to the point where she could barely function. 

“y/n, it’s just…” what the fuck do i say? “i just can’t be around you.”

you looked like she just ripped your heart out and stepped on it. the tears that were pooling in your eyes were now flowing freely down your cheeks. your voice was barely above a whisper when you asked, "why not?"

"because… you're you! you make me nervous! you're so pretty and smart and just so fucking nice to me and i can't be friends with you. i love you so much it fucking hurts. but," abby's eyes filled with tears. she wanted to be close to you so bad it was physically painful. she could cut the tension between the two of you with a knife. "i don't know how to love someone like you, y/n."

you just stared at her. lip quivering, biting back a sob. whatever you were expecting her to say, it wasn't that. 

"i'm sorry, y/n."

you turned your head. you hated that you were letting her see you like this. you were embarrassed and hurt and you didn't really know what to say to her. 

"ok."

abby raised her eyebrow, her mouth falling open. "ok?"

you nodded, wiping the tears that were rolling down your cheeks. "yup. if that's what you want, i'll leave you alone." you grabbed your phone off of her kitchen counter and started walking towards her door. 

abby all but lept to catch up to you, grabbing your wrist. "what? what are you doing?" she was confused. as much as she hates to say it, she expected you to beg. to wear her down so much that she unlearned the way her brain had been wired. 

"i'm leaving, abby. you said you can't be around me and honestly i don't want to be around you either right now," you pulled your hand from her grasp. "i have never been more embarrassed and ashamed-"

"no y/n don't be-"

"do not interrupt me. i am not going to be the girl who comes to your apartment to grovel and beg for you to love her. if you change your mind, or get over," you gestured towards her, "whatever this is, you know where to find me. you can grovel. because i'm not doing this with you."

you opened her door and walked out, turning around to face her one more time. "i love you. so fucking much. but i can't be around someone who refuses to learn how to love me."

you stood there for a moment, expecting her to say something. but she didnt . she just stared. 

you noded once and walked away. leaving abby and her broken heart standing there on her doormat.

[fiddlepickdouglas]

I just turned 30 and I wanted to hand down some things that'll hopefully help y'all in the future:

Eat what you want. Wear what you want. Like the media you want. You are allowed to like your things and show that you do.

Sometimes old friends come back and both of you have changed to somehow be even better friends than before and it's really beautiful.

Pace yourself. Slower. Sloowweeerrrr. SLOWER. It's okay to not always be going a mile a minute. It's okay, I promise. Say this aloud if necessary.

Drink water and brush your teeth

I have never regretted giving a big tip regardless of the quality of service

Every past version of you is both really cringe and an absolute marvel, that's just how it is

College is your choice, your time, and your money (debatable depending on how your tuition is funded but it's important to include). You can say no to it. You can start it, leave it, and come back later. You can do that multiple times. You can still find opportunities that pay well enough without having a single degree to your name. But do not waste a second making any of those decisions to please anyone else but you.

Asking is a virtue. So is admitting you don't know something.

Being unliked isn't the end of the world

You can't be blamed for what you did not know or fully understand in the past. Everyone has been problematic and it takes time to unlearn old things. You're not entitled to some wokeness award, but you can be proud of your progress.

I still have no idea how to make a fucking doctor/dentist appointment without feeling like a 5 year old who needs another adult to do it for me. Sometimes I talk to someone about it to hype me up.

If you have to consciously hide a side of yourself from someone you call a very good friend/partner/family member, please think it over. I'm not talking about being aware of what is appropriate to share at what times or actively keeping yourself safe - I mean if you cannot speak honestly about your own thoughts and feelings because you think someone who should care will suddenly hate you, that should be addressed.

BIG fan of leaving if things suck!

It's okay to do things alone. There are also some things better done with a group. You deserve to enjoy both.

Please keep at least one bank account with only yourself on it. Also learn how to do fucking online/mobile banking. I cannot stress this enough. Especially after you turn 18 and definitely before you get married.

It's okay to mourn dreams that you never achieved and even no longer want to achieve

Calling something or someone basic has done massive harm to society and there's really no good reason to describe anyone's hobbies or tastes as such, you're just being mean

Always question your assumptions of others. No one is fucking Personality Sherlock. Everyone is strange.

Listen to your body!!!!!!!!

Once you learn to recognize the many forms of ableism, you see it everywhere. Shut that shit down at every possible opportunity (keyword: possible. Choose your battles wisely)

Fandom only gets better from here, ignore anyone who thinks your presence is unwelcome by merely looking at your age

And most importantly:

STAY SILLY 😛🤓👻😽

[candiid-caniine]

Lol I have no experience with anything sex/kink related. I grew up really sheltered and I’ve never had a partner or tried anything at all. Do you have any advice in where I should start? I’m completely clueless on everything but your kinks sound really interesting. Like I want to edge myself but I don’t even know how to make myself cum-

ouuhh one sheltered kid to another I feel this hard 😭

so I would definitely start with making yourself cum!....unless the idea of not even doing that is hotter to you. I had a series of asks on here that was basically about what if I'd never even learned how and was convinced that my edges were orgasms...or something...it was super hot lol.

if you decide you want the good shit so you know what you're denying yourself, spend a lot of time w your body and enjoy it! if your home environment drove home ideas of sexuality as shameful, like mine did, unlearning that will be a must. again, unless that's. hot to you. tbh getting off on feeling guilty came long before my unlearning of the shame bc I was such a humiliation slut lmaooo.

if you decide not to cum before you learn to edge, a) you are so much hotter than me holy fuck and b) with the added challenge that it'll be hard to know if ur doing it right. my advice would be that if your core muscles start tightening/fluttering, and your heart rate picks up, you're at or near the edge. you can choose to stop there, or you can push it.

more advice on how to edge/how to find a way that works for you is under the #advice tag.

general kink safety is below the cut. it's a little overkill but I have a passion for this 💕

at the very end of the general safety advice, there's a bunch of tips for finding out more about what kinds of kinks are out there and how to find out what you like! it's just all a bit long so I spoilered it!

when it comes to kink in general...allow me to warn you. ppl like us, who come from sheltered home environments, are often the most vulnerable to abuse in sexual situations because we don't really know what we're "allowed." ESP in kink situations, where a power dynamic is an easy way for an abuser to excuse their actions or coerce consent. I've been a victim of this before. it is VITAL to your safety and mental health to learn to set firm boundaries in kink, in sex, and in relationships if you're looking for partners. for every play partner I've had since I even opened this blog, for every one who's on the level and communicative and ethical, there have been 5 attempts to coerce control or blatantly cross boundaries. I'm not even exaggerating the ratio. for every partner I play online with, there are at least 5 more I have blocked.

it's really hard if you're a sub to learn these things. but you have to be bossy and vocal and on guard before you give your submission to people. hear this: NOBODY "deserves" your submission. your submission is a motherfucking privilege, babe.

to get started on these important boundary setting skills, here are some recommended search terms:

"bdsm red flags" - mine include trying to petname/rolename me in the first interaction, issuing commands before an agreement is reached, and bragging about "convincing" unwilling subs to do certain things. and yes, they really do that, and it really is often.

"bdsm contract examples" - while contracts may seem unsexy, and they're certainly not a must, they are a good way to summarize what a conversation between two consenting partners about goals and boundaries should look like.

"how to spot abusive doms" and "how to spot abusive subs."

"how to know if I'm being coerced" and "how to know if I'm being gaslit."

"RACK vs. SSC." these are two frameworks for gauging ethics and safety in kink.

I don't want to scare you. this is a good community once you learn to filter out the bad folks, but it is very important to protect yourself. say it with me: YOU decide your sexual boundaries, not the other party. ever. even if they're your dom.

finally, some fun stuff for beginning kinksters:

the kink test - there are a few comprehensive bdsm "personality" tests. will help you gauge if you're more a sub, dom, or switch, or if that changes based on the general theme of your kinks.

browsing kink lists on FetLife - fet does require you to make a profile with some bssic info, but afaik you can choose your visibility settings. it's been awhile since I've been on there, but you can learn about a lot of kinks you didn't know existed!

finally, just browsing on here lmfao. it can be hard to navigate, since the tags for a lot of adult content are censored pretty heavily, but here's what I do: if you come across a kinky post you like, click into it's notes and then click on any blog that's reblogged it or that seems to have a username related to it. usually that person will have similar content on their blog! if you need a starting point, my side blog @basement-angel has posts similar to what I post here, many of which i found with the notes trick. an ask I answered recently has my list of recommended reading if you like this blog, under #advice!

sorry if I overwhelmed you with info haha! autist here, kink is one of my special interests and keeping subs safe in the hellhole of dominant abuse is my passion.

please, don't let this scare you. once you learn to filter out what doesn't work, the connections you make in this game are so, so fulfilling - or not! maybe you realize through experimentation that kink, or even partnered sexual interaction in general, isn't for you, but that's so fucking valuable. learning Abt your own sexuality is such an amazing journey, and I'm excited and proud of you that you get to start :)

[lyriumsings]

Ok, let’s get this over with here’s everything that was wrong with this ATLA adaptation. I’m gonna try to start from the beginning there’s a lot lmao:

I didn’t care for them showing the genocide of the air nomads. This is what i feel like what they meant by wanting to “appeal to GOT fans” it felt like it was trying to be edgy. Changing Aang to “needing to clear his head” instead of literally running away from his responsibilities because he’s a scared goddamn child was pure stupidity. And takes so much away from him. Even the scenes going back and showing Aang “being so much more special” than the other kids was so stupid. He wasn’t “so much more special” that’s the point. Up until Aang discovered he was the Avatar he was normal! He lived a normal life his friends treated him like everyone else! that’s literally WHY he ran away! Because they instantly started treating him differently after it became known he was the Avatar!!

Holy shit all the shit they tried to shove together in the arcs. From omashu to the southern air temple to sokka’s fucking ice berg trials. It was clunky, cheap, and downright disrespectful to the source material and I 100% support the creators leaving lmfao cuz this shit is a joke.

So much happens with so little explanation but at the same time core character traits are overexplained. They’re constantly saying “oh you’re so kind, you’re so fierce, etc” having characters verbally DESCRIBE other characters charter traits, instead of fucking showing it. Katara for example (just one of the many characters they fucking butchered but i digress) in the opening scene when Katara screams at Sokka for his sexist remarks and breaks the ice that showed just how unconsciously powerful she is at water bending. She is a prodigy. This is shown to you literally in the opening moments of the show. After discovering Aang in the iceberg Katara runs head first at the iceberg with Sokka’s boomerang to bust it open. This shows that Katara is impulsive and rash but kind and caring. She is literally breaking open the ice having no idea what it will do in the name of helping someone who clearly needs help (who realistically would most likely be dead) but she tried. Like that whole opening of ATLA told you so much about her character WITHOUT LITERALLY HOLDING YOUR HAND AND TELLING YOU. Then taking out Sokka’s sexism and letting him unlearn it was pure fucking lazy. Reducing Katara to “younger sister who needs to grow up” was a bad joke.

Like listen i’m not a “oh my god it should’ve been frame for frame like the cartoon” like there’s room for acceptable changes and space to add to the narrative. The way they got into Omashu was an acceptable change (not the jet part but hitching a ride was fine), adding Lu Tan’s funeral was GREAT it ADDED to the overall story and added depth to Iroh, even the bit with the Earth Kingdom soldier was good. Adding in Ozai’s little dogs at Azusa showing him pushing her behind the scenes and pitting her against Zuko was also nice imo. Like these are things they could’ve added and worked with the original creators on. Even the part where in the bar they’re like in the background easter-egging about the canyon episode like that was fine anything that was pure filler could’ve been mentioned in that way. But that’s the thing with ATLA few things are PURE filler. Almost every ep arc serves a genuine purpose, which is why shoving it all in a blender and hoping for the best was really not it.

Even Appa and Momo were reduced to like a mode of transportation (i also didn’t like this in legend of Korra bison became more like cars had less personality and purpose and were just A Way To Get Around i get why bc there were so many etc etc but still) and like a pet. When they’re not! they’re genuine characters! ESPECIALLY APPA! They play crucial roles in the plot they have a purpose and agency they’re not just “funky animal side kicks” which is what they feel reduced to, to me. Appa is so vital to the group and episode that is 90% silence and is just about his time away from aang is literally one of the best episodes in atla.

I haven’t even finished the whole thing yet this is just my thoughts so far based on what i remember rn through my disappointed rage lmao so ✨i’ll be back✨

[spacelazarwolf]

Tw for te/rf rhetoric/beliefs. Apologies in advance for how long this is lol.

I wasn’t fully in the terf cult, Ive maybe talked to one terf and then backed out when she gave me really sketch vibes about how she felt about trans men (which I wasn’t, but it felt predatory and gross and I didn’t wanna be around it). but I did fall into kink-critical radical feminism when I was a teenager because my trauma around patriarchy and extreme discomfort around any nuance within sexual dynamics made kink critical conversations feel sensible. Like of course I should be critical of kink that can take advantage of and abuse consent and condition you to let awful degrading things happen to your body under the guise of consent because the person doing that to you has no reason to be turned on by your powerlessness and if you get off on that, you’re someone we should be concerned about. I was seventeen.

Kink-critical turned into, very quickly, “if you were raised as a man/amab, you’re dangerous to women/afabs because of that gender power differential in patriarchy” which turned into “it’s pretty suspicious that trans women want an opt out of being misogynistic and sexually exploitative towards afabs” because it’s “okay now that she’s a woman” which turned into “trans men Are men but they’re still afab which means they’re basically just women still” (but not in the cool bigender way, but in the gross terf way). This didn’t happen perfectly chronologically or linearly.

While I never misgendered a trans woman and never wanted to take away their rights or ever believed she was a man invading women’s spaces, that conditioning still stuck and I’m still trying to unlearn it and it’s still really hard to undo all that programming. These days, I still have to catch myself all the time. It really seeps into you if you’re not careful. And it all started with someone validating my trauma around consent and patriarchy at 17. Terfs and radfems do not have good intentions, but their words look pretty if you’re not careful. Even if they don’t start off believing trans women are predatory evil masterminds. You cannot always trust your gut instincts about certain things because your gut instincts were not formed in a vacuum devoid of biased conditioning and if they can validate one (understandable) concern you have, they can turn that against others and they will.

It isn’t your fault if they target you but it is your responsibility to make sure you hold yourself accountable for the choices you make from then-on. Being a victim is, surprise, not mutually exclusive from holding bigoted behavior that needs to be checked. But we also need to stop alienating every single person who isn’t pure of heart and mind and soul because literally nobody is. Sorry for the ramble.

yup, like at a certain point you have to sit with yourself and figure out: do you want there to be less bad people or do you want to hate the bad people? which option will cause you less pain in the long term? the answer is probably there being less bad people. and this is where internet 'i don't owe you emotional labor' activism has really fucked us over. because should marginalized people have to sit there and explain to their oppressors why we are human beings? absolutely not. but will we have to do that sometimes if it means they get deradicalized and join the fight for liberation? yeah. and obviously, when possible, it should be allies doing this work. but sometimes you're gonna have to get your hands dirty and it's gonna suck. but sometimes you are going to change someone's mind, and it will be worth it.

[bunchacrunchcake]

Why does sexuality have to suck so much.

There's so much morality and gender roles tied around it. And this weird element of game theory.

Men are expected to ask women out. Women are expected to give signals to men. Women do this because Men can be really scary. Men follow women home. They say sexual things to women that have already said they're married. This is the tamer side of how horrible and scary men can be. Also, because men have to ask women out, they are constantly doing it, and it really makes women want to engage with that even less. However on the flip side, women are human and still do want romantic partners. So if someone they're interested in is flirting with them in a way they like, it's a good thing.

It's this interaction that sucks. It's so confusing. You can almost never know if your advances are wanted or not. For every time where you're 100% sure the other person is flirting, there's like 10 similar times where they're not. And vice versa. There are so many times where you leave a situation and you're like oh my god they were giving the biggest signals!

This is why, as a kink friendly person I really prefer direct communication. No it's NOT romantic. It can be, but it takes some finesse to make direct communication flirty. And it's only as awkward as you make it. "Hi, I think you are attractive. I would like to go on a date if you're free." "Yes/no."

But it never actually works like that. The worst part is the look on someones face like "Oh my god gross is this person asking me out right now." And then the humiliation when they say no. There are so so many times where it can be cordial and you say oh well no problem it was nice meeting you! I hope the rest of your day is great. And then you leave. And it's not a big deal. But you can literally talk to two people in almost the same way and one will be flattered but not interested. And another will be horrified, disgusted, and or embarrassed.

Do I like asking people out? No it's a chore. It's embarrassing and people are embarrassed for you when they watch you do it. It also makes things super awkward. Like if you're convinced someone you know or interact with is interested in you and you ask them out, and they rebuke you, chances are, even if you don't feel awkward about it, they do, and it's "ruined things." Your workplace will be awkward. Or you can't go back to that store. Or whatever. Even if the interaction was legitimately "Hey are you flirting with me by any chance?" "No I am not." "Oh okay, no sweat, I couldn't tell."

I'm reasonably attractive and no one asks me out. It has literally happened to me two times. I remember them. I'm not feeling entitled to a galactic shift in social norms. It's just how things are.

And yes we can all get on dating apps. If I want to pay $20/month per app for enough swipes to get a few dates on a piece of software that is explicitly designed to addict me and lower my self esteem, sure. I can do that.

It just sucks. I don't know what else to say.

It sucks that we can't live in a world where if someone thinks you're cute there's a non invasive way to do it, that is explicit so both people are like yep/nope that happened, and that the aftermath of that really simple interaction isn't HOLY FUCK I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE DONE THIS.

It's fine if you don't want to date people you aren't attracted to! It's fine if you need to set boundaries with people who are being gross, scary, stalkery!

But like ugh. Hot men can honestly be really gross to women sometimes and it's welcomed. And non attractive men (to that woman) can be really normal and neutral and it's "gross and embarrassing".

I guess as an AMAB person, we should really work hard to unlearn a lot of toxic masculinity, teach consent, and learn how to be respectful and polite when engaging with people romantically. But like, it goes two directions. Please don't treat us like we're disgusting. Or at least start asking us out so we don't have to do all the heavy lifting. I'm really freaking tired of trying to figure out whether someone is giving out enough romantic signals that I should then go for the coin flip of asking them out that might result in them hating me forever.

I don't even know. Do I expect all 8 billion people on Earth to magically emotionally mature over night? No. I just want to rant about this so I can move on with my life and stop judging myself for other people's negative reactions to me when I'm doing my best to be a good person.

[kayseed]

i *very sincerely* hope every single transphobic person-who has at this point had a chance to unlearn the hatred by which they are fueled by, whether it be by greed, lust, complacency, conformity, or just pure hatred- kills themselves. and know that i pray that not a single surviving soul will miss them. or remember them. the people who will time and time again make a roundabout attempt to display "Well, THIS person did THIS awful thing! ergo, i will encapsulate all of you to being like this" and tout it, and tell their friends about it. spreading hate. like there is, has, and will always be just *bad* people who do *bad* things. and they will *always* be an outlier. every day i see more hate in the world and it continues to make me feel more and more small. i do what i can to help people, when i can and i dont parade it around because it's something every fucking person should want to do innately. to help and make others happy. and, sure, i can be mean. but it's to people who i know, closely as a joke or for disdain for someone i know and hate. or strangers who are just rude and mean themselves. but *all of this* has lead me to be cynical and just makes it [ this ] much harder to do what i want to do to make people happy, innately. and i have such little time to do it and *incessantly* people are just so fucking awful and i dont want to be that. but when i'm told to kill *my* self (the royal *my*, seldom do i even interact with people who would speak to me this way for my own sanity for these exact reasons) it's a glowing review! because i just so happened to look in the comments on some random youtube video. or twitter thread. completely unrelated, mind you, and twisted to correlate to someone's disdain for *ANY* minority. this started with transphobia as that is what i experience and have experience but it's certainly not all i see. and so it continues to grow and fester that people are hateful. fucking awful terrible people exist and it grows day after day minute after minute that knowing people cannot and will not love people like how i do makes it, again, so much harder for me to want to love others. to see the good in people. that the people making the rules are terrible people with all the money. it's so bleak. so i want to tell someone to kill themselves, in retaliation. in as much of a defiance i can muster, in some twisted roundabout way, telling another human to kill themself to try and keep alive my want and desire to love other people and to see the good in people. and i get banned.

[dead-loch]

FIC: Missing Time

Okay, I cannot believe Deadloch has dragged me back into fic writing. It's been a DECADE. Um. So yeah. I don't fully know where this is going, I'm just following my stupid lil heart. I'll post it on AO3 soon and link it when I do. Happy to hear from people but also I haven't written anything in, yes, a decade, so be kind and all that. This is unbeta'd, the AO3 version may be slightly different once there have been edits. Just a little teaser to hold myself accountable.

Missing Time - I'm really interested in those 2 months prior to Darwin, where the town of Deadloch seemingly picked itself up and brushed itself off. Healing, learning, unlearning, all that fun shit.

"So, Collins. Were you always into women, or was it something you had to work on, like a muscle?"

"I recommend everyone give it a try at least once, see how you go."

"Ah, yeah? I’ve done stuff."

"Oh, that’s good. You’re halfway there."

—

Eddie half-carries Dulcie back to the Haddick Farm, where the women have been joined, finally, by some of the Carnage Bay cops. As soon as Dulcie’s weight has disappeared from her shoulders, courtesy of Cath, Eddie can feel the effects of an adrenaline crash begin, her teeth rattling in her skull as she shivers violently. She takes a stumbling step back, allowing Cath and Dulcie some privacy, only for both women to grip her arms and reel her back in, into the warmth between their bodies. She can feel Dulcie starting to shiver, too, likely the pain from her wound making itself known again.

The three of them stand in silence, breathing and trembling, as an ambulance arrives. They watch as that cunt James is wheeled into the back of it and Eddie can’t stop herself from smiling. She chokes out a laugh, hiding her face in Cath’s shoulder.

“I shouldn’t be so happy to see someone hurt,” Dulcie whispers, biting her lip to hold back a smile. “Are we terrible people?”

Eddie snorts. “Nah,” she whispers back. “We’re… what’s the word. Traumatized. Can’t be held accountable for anything right now. We’re not in our right minds. And that fuckwad had something coming to him, the way he’s been treating Big Eyes.” Eddie squints and catches sight of Abby, watching her ex-fiance yowl like a particularly angry cat as a paramedic slams the ambulance door shut. Once James is out of sight, Abby deflates. “Just a sec,” Eddie mutters, and both Cath and Dulcie immediately let go of her so that she can make her way over.

“Big Eyes. You okay?” She asks, and Abby starts, eyes going impossibly wider, before breathing a sigh of relief once she realizes it’s just Eddie.

“Ma’am,” she exhales, eyes darting over to Dulcie and Cath in the distance. “Oh my god, what happened? Where’s Ray? Are you okay? Do you need—“

“Breathe, Big Eyes. Everything’s fine. Ray… well. Ray’s dead. Went over a waterfall. Impaled on a sharp piece of wood like a fuckin’ kebab.” Eddie feels it hit her all at once and she stares into the middle distance. Feels herself shut down. She doesn’t realize that Abby’s speaking again until she feels someone grip her shoulders and she looks up like she’s been pulled from a trance. Abby’s hands are on her shoulders, strong and sure. “I’m okay,” Eddie mumbles, shaking her head. The adrenaline crash is really hitting her now and she’s cold, freezing, and she wraps her arms around herself to stave off the worst of the shivering. Abby looks at her steadily but doesn’t say anything else.

They stand there like that, Abby’s hands on her shoulders and Eddie’s arms wrapped up around her middle, until Dulcie and Cath approach them. Eddie forces her mind back to the present as a gaggle of cops start watching their little huddle, and she knows they’re going to come over here and fuck everything up any second now. She knows better than to expect any apologies from any of them. She knows better than to expect that they’ll even admit they were wrong, in every possible way there is to be wrong. She holds her breath as one of them takes a hesitant step towards them.

Before he can get very far, though, Commissioner What’s-his-dick is striding over, his hat under his arm, his face scrunched up like he’s bitten into a rotten lemon. “Fuck me,” Eddie mutters, bracing for impact.

“Connell, Radcliffe,” the commissioner barks, and Eddie feels Abby tense and Dulcie’s hand—she thinks it’s Dulcie’s hand— grab her by the scruff of her polar fleece, like she expects Eddie to go charging. “What’s going on here?” He demands, voice booming, and Eddie realizes how much her head fucking hurts, and she shuts her eyes against it like that will shut him up.

Several people start speaking at once. Abby, Dulcie, and Cath, a cacophony of sound that has Eddie flinching away and bringing a hand up to her ear. Fuck. She’s got a piercing pain behind her eyes, all of a sudden, and she’s still fucking shaking like a leaf.

There’s a moment of silence and Eddie knows that if she opens her eyes, everyone will be looking at her. She grits her teeth and after a long second, peels one eye open. Before she can tell them all to get fucked, however, one of the Carnage Bay boys is jogging up to them and intercepting the Commissioner. She recognizes him as one of the Steves.

“Sir,” Steve number who-fucking-knows says forcefully, putting himself between the commissioner and their huddle. “I can debrief you.” He shoots a glance at Dulcie, and then Eddie. She’s not sure what’s happening, and for a second she doesn't think his ploy is going to work. The Commissioner's face is a startling shade of red, visible through the darkness.

"The men are in the barn," Steve says, and the Commissioner allows himself to be distracted by this. Eddie would roll her eyes if they didn't feel like they were going to pop right out of her head. Steve nods at them before pulling the other man away. Eddie stares after them. When she turns to look at Dulcie, she looks bowled over.

“What the fuck just happened?” Eddie asks, surprised despite herself. Dulcie shakes her head, mouth opening and closing like a fish.

[ferventfox]

There’s an argument to be made that there’s no point in getting angry at an internet article written 15 years ago now, but like, that article was published maybe one or two years before I started developing my own anti-feminist  sentiments.

It wasn’t because I had “internalized misogyny”, or wanted male attention, or whatever the narrative is about young girls who betray the sisterhood by not being feminist: It was because this was the kind of shit I was reading. I don’t think I ever called myself a feminist before then because I was young and didn’t necessarily give myself political labels like that, but I was certainly sympathetic to feminism. I thought it was a good and right thing because I thought sexism was bad and didn’t think anyone should be allowed to tell me what to like or to do or to feel because of my gender. ( I can almost guarantee that I had classmates that viewed me as some annoying outspoken feminist even at the time my views on feminism had become very negative.) I started identifying as anti-feminist because I saw people who said they were for equality behaving really repugnantly. I realized that they weren’t actually against sexual assault and abuse and oppression; they were only against those things when they happened to women. Men’s suffering was totally acceptable to them. And it wasn’t just some feminists acting like this, this kind of callousness was very common in the spaces I was in and received almost no pushback from anyone ( (except those scurrilous neckbeard MRAs).

So the cracks started to show. I started to realize how aggressive and dogmatic feminists online would get when you challenged some of their common arguments and how flimsy their attempts to explain away their detractors’ points about men’s issues came off. I ended up unlearning the idea that women were always, 100 percent of time, the worst off and the biggest victims in every aspect of life and society. I realized their were things that men experience that I definitely didn’t envy and I couldn’t un-notice how differently, not just by feminists, but by mainstream society, would view suffering based on the gender of the person experiencing it.

Obviously, my worldview isn’t exactly the same as it was in high school, and it’s less acceptable to talk this way than it used to be which is...a start? But frankly, I’m not about to forget about how feminists discoursing online used to act like fucking animals, and I haven’t forgiven, as I’ve yet to really see anyone apologize.

[greenandhazy]

there was a post recently about Thomas and Guy living a simpler life and that + some of my own life happenings is making me think about... homemaking and the mindset around it.

and how there was such a distinct hierarchy even within service--how firmly the line was drawn between "men's" and "women's" tasks and the prestige accorded to butlers and footmen but denied to housekeepers and maids. and thinking about Thomas gradually unlearning that--or even moreso, deciding that it just doesn't apply to him anymore? he's in a new place with new rules and Guy has enough "fuck you" money that if anyone sneers at him(/them) they just get to fuck off.

anyway it starts slowly. a friendship with the cook, the only servant Guy has who is in the house virtually every day, and Thomas used to help out Mrs. Patmore on especially frantic occasions but slowly he starts to help out Hollywood Cook every day, because most occupation he has these days is chosen rather than assigned so why not? It's really quite meditative to sit at the table and pit cherries or snap string beans for a while, with the wireless going in the background. eventually he takes an interest in the more complicated things. he's really frustrated the first time he bakes a cake and totally fucks it up--it was meant to be a surprise for Guy--but the cook is patient, and grudgingly Thomas can smile and tell her about Sybil cracking him up with her own cooking woes when they worked at the hospital together.

usually on the cook's days off they go out to eat (which they do frequently anyway), but eventually Thomas declares he's going to cook, and Guy is supportive and fond, and helps him out because hey, he was a middle-class bachelor living alone for many years, he can do this, too. it becomes something they do together, more and more, whether the cook is there or not, and eventually she retires and they don't replace her.

as for cleaning--well, maybe it isn't fun and appealing the same way. maybe it also starts with just having a chat with the maid service. or maybe it starts on a day when Thomas is home and completely alone--cook's day off, maid's not scheduled, Guy is meeting a friend for lunch and they won't see each other until dinner. and he's getting used to the fact that this is his home, too, and he can do whatever he wants with it, and he has a responsibility to it that's all his own. he decides to reorganize the library, or the closets, or move around some furniture/knickknacks in the sitting room, and of course it becomes a disaster because all projects like that are disasters at some stage, and when he finally has it under control he has to do some real cleaning around it, too.

or one day he tries a kitchen experiment that goes horribly, horribly wrong and needs to clean up the evidence so the cook will never know (Guy gets recruited to help). and then he's doing little maintenance cleaning more often, because the house feels like his and it's good for staying busy, and when the Depression hits and ticket sales slump a bit they can cut back on how often the maid comes, and again it becomes something they do together.

Guy feels more at home, too, because it's been a very weird adjustment to find himself, at age ~40, the kind of person who has servants clean his giant house. there are particular chores he loves taking on because acts of service is a thing, and increasingly they relish the privacy they have, the smaller the house feels when it's not a Mansion tended by Staff, and eventually Guy eases into retirement and they downsize to a place that can host friends, sure, but doesn't have four extra public rooms and five extra bedrooms to maintain.

it's a home. it's their home. they're taking care of it, and each other, and that's what matters.

(partly inspired by the fact that I had to go to wikipedia to confirm the spelling of George Merrill's name and learned that on top of cleaning and cooking he always made sure there were flowers in every room and I'm 🥺 . relationship goals tbh. although I've always headcanoned Guy as the "brings home flowers" guy, idk what specific thing Thomas would do....)

[pridepages]

Shouldding On Ourselves

I just finished Mistakes Were Made by Meryl Wilsner. I have thoughts...

Here there be spoilers!

Forbidden romance is a trope that tantalizes readers. Lots of us want to be teased with a bite of the forbidden fruit--and Meryl Wilsner’s Mistakes Were Made is a juicy one!

Mistakes is the story of Cassie Klein, a college senior who meets Erin Bennett, a sexy older woman, at a bar. The two hook up in the parking lot and part ways, fully expecting never to see each other again. Imagine their consternation when they meet again at breakfast and discover that Cassie’s best friend is Erin’s daughter! Erin and Cassie know there are plenty of reasons for them to stop this disaster right here. But what starts as addictively mind-blowing sex deepens into an illicit romance. What will happen when their friends and family discover the truth?

Titillating taboo keeps readers along for the ride. But woven between each steamy sapphic sex scene are themes of desire and repression, particularly how they impact women in our society. To be raised as a woman is to be raised with expectations by the world that we learn to internalize and dictate to ourselves: “Oh, I want chocolate cake. But I shouldn’t have dessert.” “I want to lie on the couch all day, but I really should catch up on my chores.” “I don’t want to wear a dress, or makeup, or shave my legs. But I should look groomed.”

On and on it goes.

This insidious little word--should--triggers a learned response to ignore our natural desires. It seems inconsequential, but the repercussions can be serious and lifelong. 

One fateful day I was out at a party with friends. We were talking about our romantic histories, people we found attractive, etc. Suddenly, our resident bi queen turned to me and asked me point blank: “Are you queer?”

And my response was: “I don’t know.” Not a definitive “No.” I didn’t know. It genuinely hadn’t occurred to me that I was even allowed to ask myself that question.

That day led to some long conversations in therapy. Ones about my relationships with friends, family, and even myself. At one point, my counselor stopped me and said: “You say ‘should’ a lot. You talk about the ways you ‘should’ be feeling instead of the ways you actually feel. Fuck ‘should.’ Stop shouldding on yourself!”

That was life-changing advice. 

I stopped shouldding on myself. I forced myself to redirect every time I started to spiral over worries that I wasn’t measuring up, that I wasn’t believable in my identity, that what I wanted for my life was wrong.

So you can imagine me cheering Erin right along when she says: “Fuck should. It doesn’t matter what I’ve been trained to think I’m ‘supposed’ to do. What do I want? What makes me feel good? What will make my relationships stronger? Those are the questions that matter. Not what should I do.”

It’s not perfect. I still feel those terrible urges to please, to say the ‘right’ thing, to get an A in living my life like that’s a thing that’s possible to do. But I take comfort and courage from the fact that I’m not the only one working on unlearning this tic. Consider: during the lockdowns of the COVID 19 pandemic, a wave of women came out of the closet. Many factors probably contributed to that. But I’m willing to bet that at least one was the fact that--shut up in isolation with fewer obligations to distract and no other voices shouldding them down--many opened themselves back up to their dormant inner voices. Women began relearning how to identify their natural desires. Surprise! At least some of those desires were gay as hell!

I salute the courage of the late bloomers who have come out of the closet even if it meant upending their life. Defying the expectations of others, making choices that can even hurt others, is a frightening thing when we’re taught to prioritize everyone else over ourselves. But, like Erin, we need to remember that our courage can be a model for the ones who need it most. As Erin tells her daughter: “I want you to do anything you want to. It’s your choice...You get to find out what’s right for you. You get to make mistakes along the way. It’s your life.”

There’s no ‘right’ way to be twenty-one years old, or thirty-eight years old, or any other age along the road. Each life is a beautiful, unique work of art. But we have to remember: not every person is going to love every artwork out there. “Sometimes we have to do things that make us uncomfortable for people we love.” That’s ok. It’s your life. It’s your masterpiece.

So go out there and do whatever the hell you want. And, for the love of god, stop shouldding on yourself!

[your-hands--on-my-hips]

one of these random rambling posts. i was scrolling and i saw a post about how she's a 10 but she's healing from things she didnt deserve. then i thought am i healing from things i didnt deserve or am i healing from things i did deserve. ive done bad shit to people, i dont mean physically but ive hurted a lot of people. broke their hearts, lied to them, use them for my own benefit and to make me feel good. and i'm not talking only to lovers or people ive been with, i am talking also about friends and people who were considering me and i did as well a close one. i think one of my coping mechanism that ive developed is hurting before they hurt you, cuz you know what they cant break you or use you if you do it first. its toxic, its bad, i know. im trying to go back in my memories, at least the ones i can reach and justify why i am the way i am. how is it possible to have had a wonderful childhood and in the same time the most traumatic experiences happening to you, which i wouldnt wish anyone would feel and see in their lives. i guess i am healing from things i didnt deserve or at least the ones that my inner child didnt deserve. i never use my trauma as an excuse for my bad behaviours. i used to, but ive realised that even then i knew what i was doing and it was purposefully, even tho provoked from trauma. idk i wanna heal, unlearn all of this, start living a peaceful and full life, but i find so much comfort in my sorrows, in my depression, in my toxic traits. there is a constant battle. every fucking day.

[untothebreach]

thats it. thats proof. i finally figured out why im such a fucking failure. i cant even deal with having to learn and grow and the frustration inherent with not knowing without feeling like an abject failure and a waste of time and space.

real people, regular people, good people... they don't feel like that. they can look at something hard and see a challenge to conquer, not a pile of inevitable failures and frustrations that make them want to die. I pend 20 minutes trying to get a tutorial to work and I already wanted to throw it all away and started making self-deprecating comments about myself in the chat. And he comes in and fixes it in a second, talks lilghtly about how we're all learning anyway and it's just about quiring knowledge, and i go. oh. Oh. we're literally two different things entirely. they're all good and smart and hard working and self-sufficient, and im bad and lazy and weak willed and whiny and demand everything be done for me. it's inherent. it's baked into my bones.

why even bother fighting it at this point? why even fucking try? why not just admit im a failure of a human experiment and something went wrong with me too early to change, and taught me things I can't unlearn, and now I'm doomed to be fucking broken the rest of my life and incapable of stumbling over the biggest hurdle in front of me (myself and my own fucking ego) without crying like a tiny baby every time i so much as bump my metaphorical knee or have to make any sort of tiny effort at all.

why am i fucking like this. this isn't fixable. this isn't the kind of thing therapy can change. therapy is for people who will work hard enough to change themselves, but how do you fix that when you don't have the drive to struggle in the first place? when your instinct when faced with the first whiff of hardship and struggle is to lie down to cry and play dead? the herd will leave you behind to die. as they should, as they fucking should.

if i were a deer i would have gotten what was coming to me a long time ago. then maybe i would have learned something. maybe I'm worth more as mulch and meat than as a living human being.