#i actually started using a wheelchair when I was 18 so drs were a few years off

[chronicallycouchbound]

I wish I could go back in time and give 16-year-old me a hug and tell them that when the doctors say that you’ll be in a wheelchair in your 20s, that it’s gonna be okay and you can put stickers on it!! You will love your disabled self and be so happy in your disabled body and feel the love of a beautiful community that welcomes you with open arms. You will realize you were disabled long before you used a wheelchair but never knew the words for it. You will create accessible spaces that not just allow disabled people, but celebrate disabled people. You don’t have to cry or think no one will love you. You will be okay.

[wishful-seeker]

My simplified story of my CRPS and experience with ketamine.

I've had crps for 5 years now. I developed it at 18 years old after completing a triathlon and getting tendinitis in my knee, which became crps. Over the course of 2 years it spread to both knees, both elbows, and both wrists. For the past 3 years i have been mostly bedridden. I couldn't walk for more than 3 minutes and even when i did it was excruciating, i couldn't touch a computer, any video games, i couldn't write anymore, i could barely make art anymore, i had to stop writing in my journal and had to keep it on my phone because of my pain. I cannot even sit in chairs or drive or run or jump. I use a wheelchair when i leave the house. When it was its worse it felt like i was being burned alive. I remember days when feeling okay lasted literal seconds and then it was gone. I remember days being in so much pain i couldn't pick up my phone and my mom had to spoon feed me. Days where all i could do was lay in bed and think. I remember days when i desperately wanted to go outside and feel the sun, when i walked outside i would count to 10. I would soak up everything i could in those 10 seconds, the colors of the sky and the fresh air. When the time was up i went back to bed and couldn't do that again for another few days.

I started ketamine infusions a year ago, i was diagnosed last year. I had infusions before i was diagnosed. First we did a 2 hour infusion. It worked wonders, for six weeks i actually jumped on a trampoline for a few minutes almost everyday, i even climbed the low branch of a tree and sat on it. Then we did a 4 hour infusion. The results were not the same. I tried four more 4 hour infusions every six weeks, but there was no relief. I was devastated. I thought the universe was cruel to even give me such hope. Then i got diagnosed and i was told of a place in Clearwater Florida with dr. Hanna that did infusions differently. I went there and met him, he prescribed a 4 hour infusion every day for 10 days, 5 days, the weekend off, then 5 more days, he also prescribed oral ketamine, 30mg 3 times a day on the weekend, one at night on infusion days. I did that. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through. It felt like dying a thousand times. I almost gave up and left early because i hate the experience of ketamine so much. But after the fifth day my dad noticed me bouncing my leg when i was sitting, something i did all my life up until crps which made it too painful. Thats when we realized, since the second infusion, i was in ZERO pain, none at all. That continued until i got home and i had a flair. I always get a flair after infusions, this is very normal for me, but it was scary. I worried the hardest thing i had ever done wasn't worth it. The flair ended, and i tried playing minecraft, my favorite game I've been unable to play for years. I had a system: play for 20 minutes, rest for 20 minutes, and repeat. I played for HOURS. I tried again the next day and it was the same, and the day after that, and the day after that. Six weeks after Clearwater i had whats called a booster infusion, which was 2 days of 4 hour infusions. Then i went two MONTHS until needing my next infusions, which i had two weeks ago.

Here is what my life looks like now: im still in bed most of the time, but i do not think of the pain, it doesn't distract me. It used to be 7-10/10 now its 3-6/10. I play minecraft with my best friend almost everyday often all day. Last week i painted a dresser. I have a garden i lightly care for each day. After the infusions before this one i had a day where i was completely able bodied, i baked a pie, went to the park, transplanted plants and played minecraft. Not only this, but even when the infusions wear off it still has permanent beneficial effects. In the past, no ketamine meant i was taking 4 scolding hot baths a day to soothe the pain in my knees. Now no ketamine means bath some days, maybe 2.

It's over. I made it. I made it to a life i thought was impossible and its not even done getting better. I am happy. I am not suffering. I am regaining freedom. It. Is. Over.

[angryschnauzer]

Superior Specimen - Chapter 4

Summary: One night when you are following the Archaeology tag on instagram you stumbled across a fun looking dig… and an even more interesting Paleontologist who soon follows you back. Over the following weeks you start chatting and a friendship soon grows.

Relationship: AU Henry Cavill x Female Reader (No race or body shape mentioned)

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3

Warnings: Slow Burn, NSFW, 18+, Mutual Masturbation, Phone Sex, Drunken Piggy Back Rides, Oral Sex (Female Recieving), Drama, Theft, Amateur Heroics, Hospital Visit, 

I do not operate a tag list, but please follow @angryschnauzerwrites​ and put that blog onto notifications, as you will then be notified whenever i post something new.

I don’t have a masterlist, but all my works are on AO3, link here. Usually i post oneshots to Tumblr and AO3, and multichapters exclusively to AO3, but as this is my first henry story and its going to be a short series, i’ll post to both places.

Chapter 4

 The following few days were busy; it was the weekend and you were on duty both days, plus the following Monday and Tuesday. As it was the height of summer the museum was at its busiest, tourists, locals, and school groups all filling the halls of the old building, plus with a research team now on site the underground laboratories where people could get hands on with less valuable specimens were hugely popular. 

 During one of your breaks you decided to grab a frozen treat from the gift shop, making your way down to the viewing laboratories to see what the teams were up to. Sucking on the fruity ice you peered through the window, your eyes going wide when you saw Henry at the front of the classroom, thirty school children avidly listening to his every word. He glanced up and saw you looking through the window, a sly wink in your direction and his attention was back on the class who were all enraptured by what he was saying. You finished your snack and slipped quietly into the room, standing at the back where few paid little attention to you. Henry called out to the class;

 “So, I hope you have enjoyed the presentation, are there any questions?”

 Several small hands shot up, and you estimated the kids must have been around 9 or 10 years old;

 “Do you ever dig pyramids up?”

 Henry chuckled;

 “No, that’s Archaeology. I am a Palaeontologist. Archaeology is the study of humans; Palaeontology is the study of fossils… they do sometimes overlap where settlements will have been made in the ice age though”

 “Have you ever found a T-rex?”

 “Yes, I was part of a dig in America when we found an excellent complete specimen a few years back”

 “Do you have a girlfriend?”

 Your ears pricked up at the question, and you watched as a slight blush covered Henry’s cheeks and his ears went a cute shade of crimson. He let out a low chuckle;

 “Yes, yes I do”

 “Does she like bones too?” came an innocent voice and you could have sworn most of the teachers on the trip had to stifle their laughter. Henry cleared his throat;

 “Well, you can ask her yourself, she’s joined us and is standing at the back of the room”

 At that moment thirty heads snapped around, eyes going wide when they saw you and recognised you from giving them their visitors lanyards upon arrival. Henry cleared his throat;

 “Well darling, do you like bones?” he cocked an eyebrow and you could see a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. You cleared your throat;

 “Yes, I studied Palaeontology at university and look forward to further studies on bones under Dr Cavill’s instruction”

 The kids seemed satisfied with that answer, and as you looked at the teachers you could see some of them had tears rolling down their cheeks from where they were trying so hard not to laugh.

 The class soon ended, the kids packing up their bags and visitors’ packs, everyone thanking Henry for the informative lesson, and when the door finally closed it was just the two of you in the large white room. Standing next to him you smiled;

 “So… bones huh?”

 He snorted out a laugh as he gathered up the samples into a box, nodding to a miniature model of a Diplodocus;

 “Just grab that would you, need to get everything packed away”

 Following him into the storage room you slid the model onto a shelf before suddenly a strong pair of arms was wrapped around you from behind, soft lips pressing kisses to your neck and you were practically melting into Henry’s arms;

 “Fuck… your mouth is so good…”

 He spun you around and his lips met yours, his tongue eagerly pushing into your mouth and you felt yourself  submitting completely to the skilled muscle as he kissed you deeply, his hands gripping your hips as he pulled you flush with the hard plains and curves of his body. When you finally broke apart you were both breathless;

 “So Princess, what do you really think of my bone?”

 “Well, I haven’t actually had any experience of your bone yet”

 “Dinner, Friday night?”

 A huge smile spread over your face;

 “That would be wonderful… just let me know where and when”

 “I’ll pick you up at 7”

 “Where are we going?”

 He grinned;

 “I’ll pull in a favour, but it’ll be high end… black tie, etcetera”

 -

 You’d returned on a high back to your desk, already thinking about what you would wear on your date. You worked hard, the steady flow of visitors wanting help was continual, and you were tested to the limits of your knowledge of languages with so many international visitors needing assistance.

 However at the back of your mind a synapse was firing, and your attention was drawn to a group of older teenagers, in fact they were probably in their early 20’s. They didn’t seem to be with any of the school groups and didn’t look in the vaguest bit interested in the exhibits. They were however hovering around one of the large donation stations; the large Perspex fish tanks with a slot in the top for visitors to drop coins and notes into. In recent days visitors had been very generous, and there was a large number of notes sitting on top of the heavier coins. Once you had served the visitor who needed help finding the Butterflies exhibit you grabbed the security radio, paging the security guards and calling out a code 10 - suspicious activity/suspected theft. Two of the guards near the door looked at you and you nodded to the group and the guards started to slowly move towards them. 

 As you slotted the radio back into the cradle something else caught your eye, a young man intently looking at the backpack hanging on the back of a wheelchair as its user and carer were reading one of the large displays. 

 Suddenly he snatched the backpack and was running for the door, you called out to security, but the noise of the room was too much to be heard, but you could see the person in the wheelchair look in horror;

 “My medication!” you could read their lips as they shouted and without thinking you were pushing out of the desk and yelling back to your colleague;

 “Get security, the group was a distraction!”

 Thankful you’d worn flat shoes; you were running after the thief who was struggling to get through the crowds. He was out the front doors and down the steps way ahead of you, but the curved driveway was packed with visitors which was slowing him down giving you chance to gain on him. 

 Your legs were powerful beneath you, racing through the now parted crowds and as he took a sharp left to run down the ramp to the lawns you were gaining on him. It was painfully obvious what was going on, the man was carrying a bright flowery bag under his arm, and was being chased by a member of museum staff in uniform, so when two policemen that had been patrolling the area saw you in the distance, they started running towards you. The thief spotted them, slowing his run as he attempted to figure a way out, except the lawns only had two exits; the one the two of you had entered by, and the one the two policemen were now running down. His moment of indecision cost him his lead, and as you caught up you didn’t wait to talk, you ran fully into him, knocking him to the ground and the pair of you into the shrubs that surrounded the lawns. 

 The next thing you knew the two policemen were pulling the thief to his feet and arresting him, security having caught up with the pair of you. A passer-by offered you a hand, helping you up but you felt wobbly on your feet. Someone helped you to the grass to sit in the shade, and you winced as a tissue was pressed to your head;

 “You’re bleeding”

 -

 As you sat in a treatment area of the Chelsea & Westminster Hospital’s casualty department, the lovely policeman that had driven you there quietly took your statement between visits from the nursing staff. There had been a bad accident in Covent Garden, so all the paramedic and ambulance crews had been called to that, and with a head wound you needed to be treated. As you had been helped into the squad car you’d overheard that the thief had also been armed with a knife, and it shook you, to where as soon as you were able to you’d been sat down with a cup of strong sweet tea as the Officer had gotten you to hospital.

 One of the nurses fussed around you, checking on the stitches for the thankfully small wound that was mostly in your hairline;

 “It’ll sting like a bastard - excuse the language - for a few days, but you’ll be fine with over the counter painkillers. If you show any signs of concussion make sure to call 999… do you know what the signs are?”

 You nodded and explained you’d covered it on your first aid course you’d taken for work as she went on;

 “I’ll see if we can get a doctor to discharge you soon. It would also be advisable if you could ensure you don’t spend the night alone… it was quite a solid bump you had”

 “Ok sure” you nodded as you watched her walk away, the Officer turning to you;

 “Is there someone I can call to come pick you up? A boyfriend or girlfriend?”

 “Umm… boyfriend…” using the word gave your mind a happy tingle at the thought of calling Henry your boyfriend; “But I don’t have his number memorised… and I left my phone at the museum… you could message him on Instagram I suppose?”

 He pulled his personal phone out of his pocket;

 “Sure thing… what’s his username?”

 You told him and watched as his eyebrows shot to the top of his forehead;

 “This him?” he turned his phone and you nodded when you saw Henry’s page, sitting quietly as the officer quickly tapped out a message, his phone beeping almost instantly to which he smiled; “he said he’s on his way”

 -

 Fifteen minutes later you were being discharged by the doctor when you heard Henry’s voice, the Officer with you peering out of the curtained area before ducking back in;

 “Ok he’s here…”

 Moments later Henry appeared at the curtain, rushing in and pulling you into a giant bear hug. With you still crushed to his chest by one arm he extended a hand to the officer, thanking him for helping you. 

 Soon he was walking you to his car, parked on double yellow lines outside the hospital and with a parking ticket flapping on the windscreen, he helped you into the car before grabbing the ticket and climbing in beside you. Instead of starting the car he reached over and gently cupped your cheek;

 “How are you doing Princess?”

 You went to speak but all that came out of your mouth was a squeak, the tears starting to flow as the shock and stress of the afternoon came flowing out. He leant across the car and wrapped his massive arms around you, letting you sob into his shoulder as he gently held you. When you finally stopped sobbing, he pulled away and looked into your eyes, he steel blue gaze full of concern;

 “How about we get you home?”

 “Please...” you said with a sigh; “but my bag is still at the museum…”

 “Check the glovebox” he nodded, and you pulled the handle and your bag was there; “I got your supervisor to get it for you as soon as I got the message from the police officer… and I guess our relationship just became public too with the staff…”

 “I don’t care” you said with a smile as he started to drive.

Chapter 5 >>>

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. What was the last thing you ate, and why? Wingstop because that’s what I wanted for dinner.

2. What was the last thing you drank, and why? Water because I have to get my water intake in.

3. How many tabs do you have open? What are they? I have 7 tabs open currently: my Tumblr dash, my Tumblr likes, Pinterest, 2 different LiveJournal survey blog pages, Facebook, and Google.

4. What browser do you prefer to use? I just use Chrome.

5. What are five random things on your desk besides any computer related items? My “desk” is my bed, but anyway I have Bible study book, a notebook, a pencil case, and 2 cases of colored pencils. 

6. What room are you in right now? I’m in my room.

7. What color are the walls and floor in that room? The walls are white and the carpet is tan.

8. Name the item closest to you that is...: -red: A shirt. -orange: Pumpkins on one of my throw pillows. -yellow: The little hat on my Dumbo plushie.  -green: My Baby Yoda/Grogu plushie. -blue: The label on my water bottle. -purple: The background of a Reptar bookmark I have hung up on my bulletin board. -pink: One of my notebooks. -white: The letters on my keyboard. -gray: My Dumbo plushie. -brown: The jacket thing on my Baby Yoda/Grogu plushie.  -black: Another one of my notebooks. -silver: My laptop. -gold: My giraffe necklace I have hung up nearby.

9. Out of all the things you listed above, which is your favorite? My Baby Yoda Plushie and my laptop. 10. What kind of chair are you sitting in? My wheelchair. 11. Where would you prefer to be right now? I’m good here right now.

12. Do you have any plans this weekend? Nope.

13. Are you excited for anything this month? No.

14. What is the date today? Saturday, January 23, 2021.

15. Is there anything special about today? Nope.

16. How are you physically feeling right now? Tired and kinda hungry.

17. How are you emotionally feeling right now? Blah.

18. Have you ever traveled outside of your home country? Just once. I’d love to do more traveling aboard.

19. Can you speak/read/write in another language besides English? Yeah, some Spanish.

20. What language course did you take in school, if any? I took Spanish all 4 years in high school and one semester in college.

21. What language would you most like to learn? I’d like to be fluent in Spanish.

22. What grade are you in right now? I’m done with school.

23. What would you like to get a degree in? I got my BA in psych.

24. What was your dream job when you were a little kid? I wanted to be a teacher.

25. What happened to that dream? When I was around like 13 I started realizing I wanted to help people. Like seriously, back in those days of AOL there were teen message boards that you could go on and chat about various topics and there was like an advice thread or something and there I was at that age trying to give advice to people. I don’t know how I knew about some of the stuff I knew. I mean, I watched Dr. Phil all the time with my mom haha so maybe I picked up on some stuff. I also read up on stuff online. I was also the friend my friends came to when they needed advice or just someone to talk to. I just liked helping people in any way I could. Then, my freshman year in high school I took a health and psychology class and learned about psychology. I was really interested in it and from then on I decided I wanted to pursue that and learn more.

26. Speaking of dreams, when was the last time you had a sleeping dream and what was it about? I dreamt last night, but I don’t remember what it was about. I typically don’t remember my dreams, they just vanish after I wake up.

27. Do you have more nightmares or good dreams? I generally have random, weird dreams.

28. Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? I don’t even go to bed until like 7 or 8AM... :/

29. Can you sleep comfortably in another bed besides your own? Yeah, usually.  30. What book are you reading? What genre is it? Do you like it so far? I’m reading “Autumn’s Game” by Mary Stone. It’s a mystery and thriller. I am enjoying it, I’m actually almost done. It’s 1 of 3 in a series, so I’ll go on to the next one right after.

31. What genre of books do you like to read? Fiction, Mystery, Thriller, YA, NA. 

32. Do you prefer physical books or a Kindle/Nook/other e-reader? I’ve been doing my reading on the Kindle app for the past few years now. I have Kindle Unlimited, so for a small monthly fee I have access to a TON of books. I have read numerous books these past few years alone. I had a list going on my personal Tumblr, I should try and update that but I’d have to add a lot.

33. Did you ever sometimes flip through your text books, even when you didn't need to? Sometimes.

34. What types of magazines do you read? I haven’t read a magazine in years.

35. Have you ever ordered anything through a catalog? Yeah, back when I was a kid they had those Scholastic book catalogs and those catalogs we had got like twice a year that had stuff like nuts, chocolate, and various items you tried to sell to people to raise money for school related stuff. 

36. Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie/TV show, or play a video game? Depends what I’m in the mood for.

37. What are five of your favorite TV shows? I have a lot of favorites, but 5 of them are: The Mandalorian, Wandavision, Riverdale, Servant, and American Horror Story.

38. How often would you say you watch TV? It’s on a lot of the time for background noise and I’ll tune in and out, but I do have my shows that I actually watch and keep up with as well. So, it really just varies.

39. Do you prefer to watch movies at home or to go out to the theater? Movies I really want to see and am excited about I have to experience in theaters for the first time, it just adds to the experience. Then there are movies that I think look kinda good and I might want to check it out, but I can wait until it’s available to rent or watch on a streaming service. 

40. What was the last movie you watched at home? What about at the theater? 27 Dresses the other day. The last movie I saw in theaters was The Invisible Man almost a year ago now. I miss going to the movie theater, my family and I used to go pretty regularly before the pandemic. 

41. Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theater? I always get popcorn, it’s a must.

42. What genre of films do you like the best? Horror, thriller, superhero, action, adventure, fantasy/sci-fi, and romantic comedies. A variety of films.

43. Do you like movies based off of books? Yeah.

44. Do you like video games based off of movies? I haven’t really played any video games based off movies. I do remember having a Harry Potter Playstation game back in the day haha but that’s it. I’m not a big gamer though, so.

45. What was the last video game that you played? Animal Crossing: New Horizons.

46. What genre of video games do you enjoy the most? Mario Bros games, which apparently fall under the “platform” genre. I like adventure, episodic, life simulation (like Animal Crossing and The Sims), and racing games as well.

47. Which is your preferred video game system? I’ve enjoyed my Nintendo Switch a lot. The PS4 is nice, too, I played the Life is Strange games on there.

48. Do you like playing online with other people? No.

49. How often would you say you play video games? I’ve played Animal Crossing quite regularly for the past year and before that I played a few other Switch games. So, the past couple years I’ve played a few but generally I’m not a big gamer.

50. Now that this survey is done, what are you going to do? Find another one to do.

[twinmoms]

Being Pregnant Amidst Covid-19

Being pregnant is a scary thing itself, there’s a lot of anxiety and worry that comes along with it. Even more so with this Corona virus going around.  A few months ago, we had plans in place on how to go about this. Yet everything flipped 2 weeks ago when the country started being plagued with the virus. It really shows that we can plan all we want but ultimately, God is in charge.  So we adjusted and fast forward to today, we are under ‘enhanced community quarantine’.

Yesterday was the 20th week into my pregnancy, and now it feels like I have all the time in the world for an update (something I have been putting off for too long). I need to do it so I have something to look back to before I forget the details of my pregnancy.

The first trimester:

I honestly didn’t feel any of the symptoms like nausea and morning sickness at the beginning, which made me feel like I was probably one of the lucky ones who didn’t experience those symptoms. I had regular migraines though which got really bad on some days.  But to my surprise, it was towards the end of the first trimester when I started throwing up certain food (anything oily was disgusting to me), felt the morning sickness. I didn’t have any particular food craving, except for the crunchy green mangoes from Mactan. But I only requested for those on Sundays (less traffic -because poor Johnnie was the one always driving).  My check ups during this time were always good, the babies were within normal sizes each time and there were no complications. Caffeine was restricted because it might interfere with the blood flow to the babies, and I was put on low sugar diet and thank God I’m not really into sweets so this wasn’t a torture. I do like fruit juices but I tried to keep everything natural as much as possible.  I still had those bottled juices once in a while.

The second trimester:

I’m still on my second trimester as I write, but as I entered my second trimester, that was when I got really stressed physically and emotionally due to having to move in to a new place and we had to do a lot of shopping (thus, walking), and it doesn’t help that Manila is such a large city that even malls were large-scale compared to Cebu. On top of it all, I also got scared of the Manila traffic so I wasn’t as hydrated as I should have been. Because hello, bathroom trips triple during this time. So my first check up with my new OB in Manila, Dr. Eileen Manalo, was when I was 18 weeks pregnant (just after that very stressful week of buying all the stuff).  To our surprise, she ordered a lot of tests (mostly for infectious diseases to be safe, I guess) and she ordered the 75g OGTT (Oral Glucose Tolerance Test) since diabetes runs in the family and multiple pregnancies are more prone to gestational diabetes. She also did a physical examination, and checked the cervical length, as well. This was the part where the bad news came in, she saw that my cervix was short  (which is too soon) so she said she doesn’t want me moving, she put me on bed rest, progesterone therapy and a medicine that prevents uterine contractions. She said she didn’t want to but if she has to, she would have to perform a Cervical Cerclage or cervical stitch  in which the cervix is stitched close in order to prevent a miscarriage or premature birth.  Did too much walking cause this? Yes, probably.  We’re really praying we wouldn’t have to undergo the procedure, but of course if the doctor says it’s the best decision for us I will do it, for the babies.  It was during this time when  I actually felt them move inside my tummy, it’s true what they say, it feels like fluttering. It’s amazing, and Johnnie is crazy about them.  Due to the virus, my doctor is only seeing a few patients once or twice a week, and she has asked to see me this week. I think mine is considered a high risk pregnancy, because I’m having twins plus the short cervix issue.

From that first visit, I felt that Dr. Manalo is very thorough. She’s famous for a good reason, and I’m glad that we ended up going to her because we were initially scared of the waiting time based on what we read online before coming here.  We feel very lucky to be under Dr. Manalo’s care, because from the reviews online, we read that she is one of the highly sought after Infertility Specialists in the country, and the waiting time to see her takes so many hours due to the number of patients.  But she is the one my OB in Cebu, Dr. Marivic Tan referred, so of course we trust her judgment.  The first time we went to her clinic, we didn’t wait for too long because the other 9 patients who logged their names weren’t there waiting. So I got called 2nd or 3rd, and after examining me, she told us to tell the secretary next time not to make me wait for too long (that’s a good thing but not a good sign). Her nurse told us right after to request for wheelchair. I am to see her later this week for a follow up check up, will need all the prayers.  

[readerwinterbarnes]

Motionless- 18/21

Bucky x Reader, OC’s, Avengers

Summary: Wounds heal over time, but scars remain. New memories are made while haunting ones always find a way to resurface. But by the end of the day, it gets easier.

Word Count: 6,334

Warnings: Insecurities, panic attacks, nightmares, don’t piss off Bucky, so much fluff

A/N: This part is….. a one with swapping POVs. Italics are flashbacks and Albern is a creep, oh and there’s like a huge time skip. Can you believe it guys? There are only a few more parts left. :( 

The past three months have been torture, not just for you but for Bucky as well. He hardly goes anywhere without a long sleeve shirt on anymore, even in the bedroom he makes sure that his left side is completely covered. He still sleeps closest to the door, knives and loaded handguns well within reach. Most nights he jolts up, ready to attack the intruder, only to find out that no ones there. It takes some time for you to bring him back to Earth and lay back down, even if he doesn’t sleep. He’s never told you he hardly sleeps anymore, not like he needs to, it’s quite obvious he’s not sleeping. But you’re not going to bring it up to him, he’d just deny everything and act as if nothing’s wrong, so you sadly let it slide.

He’s been spending most days down in the lab with Tony and Bruce, letting them inspect his arm. Testing what it does, the strength, what damage he can do, sense of mobility and touch. It took a lot of convincing for him to do this when the guys couldn’t get to him, they all came to you, to see whether or not you’d be able to convince him that he needs to do this, that it was for his own good. It wasn’t easy and definitely took a few days to get Bucky to actually sit his ass down and listen to what you needed to say.

“Bucky, I have no idea what happened back there and you don’t need to tell me at all or just tell me when you’re ready. Whether it’s next week, next month or next year, I don’t care just tell me when you’re ready. But please baby, please just go see Tony and Bruce. They just want to help you in whatever way they can,” you stopped Bucky before he could say anything, “and no, that does not mean leaving you alone so you can take care of this yourself.

I hate that I can’t be there for you, to help with your own progress and if you can’t do it for me, just...just do it for you.” You looked towards Bucky with wet eyes. You hated the fact that Bucky had to relive all his past nightmares all over again. You knew he was given a new arm, you’ve seen the scars, but you were not going to push him into telling you the full extent of what Albern did to him. You both had your own problems and demons to conquer and you’d stay by his side until the day you died if it meant he was getting support from you.

“I...I know we’ll never be the same ever again but, but I can’t lose you again, Bucky. I’ve already lost you too many times and I don’t know if I’ll be able to go through it again. I mean, we’re both alive and we’re having kids! ‘Course it’s not the way I wanted to find out and tell everyone, but kids Bucky, we’re going to be parents. You need to be here for that, I can’t do this alone, not without you! If you can’t talk to them for yourself, talk to them for our kids, I need-” Bucky rushed in and kissed you, stopping from whatever you were going to say next, you couldn’t remember because his lips were pressed up against his.

He hasn’t made this type of contact with you in weeks, so for him to do this was a relief. A breath of fresh air in a suffocating world. You were going to make sure you treasured this moment as much as you could. So you clung to him, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him closer to you, just needing more of...him. His tongue grazes your bottom lip but pulls away before he could go any further. His forehead is pressed against yours, shoulders drooping slightly as you soothed out the worries with your hands. His eyes are still closed, but he doesn’t make a move to pull away. You stayed like this, wrapped up in each other, holding the broken pieces together.

“I’ll...I’ll talk to them Y/N, I’ll do everything, everything they want me to do. I’ll do it for you, the kids, me, I’ll do it. Just...just stay with me when I do, please.” His eyes opened to reveal wet red-rimmed cloudy blues, “I can’t...I can’t tell you what happened, not yet. I promise I’ll tell you everything, I swear.”

You quietly shushed him, “I understand Bucky, I’m not asking you to tell me now, tell me when you’re ready. I’m not going anywhere, we’re not going anywhere, but for now,” you brushed his hair out of his face, curling your hand over his neck, “let’s focus on getting better.” Bucky responded to your small smile with one of his own, as he leaned in to capture your lips once again before leaving you to rest while he sought out the two lab brains.

But now you both were getting help and your lives should’ve returned to normal right? How wrong that was. Some days were longer than others. Days full of tests, getting your blood checked, bandages removed, cleaned, and rewrapped. Then came the days when you were ordered to go see a therapist to discuss “Your mental status to see if you’re fit for public.” This was one of the situations where you wouldn’t be able to do anything, go anywhere out in public until you were cleared from your therapist. So here you were, situated on the therapists’ couch, in a pair of Bucky’s sweatpants, his favorite sweater, and a pair of Tony’s favorite fuzzy socks - who he will confess to no one - already wanting to leave.

“Good morning Y/N, and how are we and the young ones doing?” Mr. Thompson, your therapist, asked you, as he shifted through some papers. You weren’t sure, but there was something about the man that was off. He just gave you this vibe that wasn’t exactly...comfortable. Feeling uncomfortable, you wrapped your arms around yourself.

“Fine, everything is fine.”

“And you’re sleeping fine? Experiencing any pain, having nightmares, flashbacks?” He looked up at you from the desk, looking you over. You eyed him back, wondering what he was trying to get at.

“Mr. Thompson-”

“Kyle, please call me Kyle.” Ugh, that’s why he was setting off the creepy vibes. He wasn’t eyeing you like some doe who couldn’t take care of herself, but rather like a luxurious piece of meat that should be savored.

“Mr. Thompson, as I was told, I was assigned to you to get treatment to a life event that has traumatized me in more ways than one. Now, if you’d rather stare at my chest all day and imagine what it looks like or pull your head out of your ass and actually do your job, then we won’t have any problems.” He gaped at you, frustration clearly burning in his eyes. He stood up and walked towards you, unknowing to him, you pressed the ‘panic button’ on the bracelet Tony made for you. Once you press it, it alerts one of his suits to come find you and protect you at all costs until the cavalry arrives.

“How dare you! Do you even know who I am? You are my patient and I decide what methods are best to treat you! If you ever want to get cleared to be released into the outside world, you will do what I say.” Thankfully the suit didn’t waste anytime because it came crashing into the room and advanced towards Mr. Thompson, gauntlet raised in warning.

“Please step back, sir, for your own safety.” The suit replied, well, JARVIS did.

“What the hell is going on here? We’re in a session!”

“Not anymore you’re not.” You never even registered the door opening, but Steve was there along with Tony. You were surprised Bucky wasn’t there, but you’d ask Steve that later.

“Mr. Thompson, great to see you! See, here’s the thing, since you’re working in my tower, JARVIS monitors everything. So imagine my surprise when not only do I get a report from him saying your heart rate was rising in a very sickly manner and for Y/N to use her bracelet - which I’m really excited it works by the way - only to find out what your true intentions were? Let’s just say you can kiss your job goodbye.” While Tony was giving him a lecture, Steve walked up to you and helped you back into the wheelchair, hands on your shoulders to keep you grounded.

“Bucky is staying in the Hulk containment room, Nat’s keeping an eye on him.” You whirled your head around to look at Steve.

“Why? What happened? Is he okay?” Steve smiled as he began to push you out of the office, due to Mr. Thompson started ranting and was making the situation even worse for himself.

“Let’s just say Mr. Thompson should be glad that Bucky didn’t come with. And we now know he can put a good two-foot hole in a concrete wall. Which was stupid, because he damaged some of the wires from the mere force of it. So Tony and Bruce have to try to figure out a way to fix it, but they have to wait until he cools down first.” By the end of the day, Tony found the right therapist for you, female this time, who was highly recommended by Dr. Cho. The next day, Bucky went back to check in with Bruce and Tony, but he had to make sure Steve was with him, in case he lost his temper again. It definitely wasn’t going to be an easy recovery.

You trusted Tony and Helen, but you couldn’t help but feel nervous when you were dropped off at your new therapists’ office. Steve wished he could’ve gone with you, but he had the training to do for the newest recruits that he couldn’t avoid. So Natasha volunteered to bring you. You both entered the office and as soon as Nat got you situated onto the couch, she came in.

“Hi, my name is Erica Tesla and I’ll be working with you for the next few weeks. If you want to get started, just stop me anytime if you have any questions.” You shook her hand, feeling comfortable with her already. You were very glad Tony chose her.

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to start off with reading off a brief summary. Is that alright?” You nodded and held onto Nat’s hands as she began reading. You never expected this to be difficult, as she read off past events that have occurred, up to the most recent one. You remembered what the pain felt like as the Hydra agent shot you, what it felt like when you couldn’t move. Then the joy that came afterward, when Tony was able to help you walk again. Only to have it vanish again completely when you were ripped away from Bucky then ripped apart. To be tied down, helpless, cold and alone with just him. Him and is cold, bony, greedy hands. How they ran over your skin, caressing you like the prize he always wanted. What he always wanted.

“Ah Miss Y/N, Sergeant Barnes is a very lucky man,” Albern spoke huskily in your ear as he trailed his hand down your back, “knowing you were graced with such soft skin.”

“-! Y/N! Breathe, alright? It’s okay, you’re safe, you’re in the tower. It’s 1:30 pm, it’s 75 degrees with clear blue skies. Natasha is on your left. You. Are. Safe.” You crawled out of the horrible flashback and found yourself staring at Erica’s eyes, Nat crouching down beside you. Erica stayed with you until you began matching your breaths with hers. She smiled softly when you came back, before moving back to her chair. She wrote a quick note before speaking again.

“I think we’ll be done for the day. We made some progress, but I don’t want to put any more stress on the three of you. What I do want you to do, is to go home, eat and get some sleep. You’re taking care of three now and you’ll need all the rest you can get.” She headed over to a locked cabinet and pulled out a container of cream. “I’ve already talked with Dr. Cho and it’s safe for you and the twins. It’s a stress, relaxing cream. Rub this on your temples and stomach when you wake up and right before you go to bed. No more than two times a day though. I would like to meet with you again next week and continue our sessions.” Nat helped you back into the wheelchair as Erica opened the door.

“I don’t want you to do anything else today besides resting. If anyone else says otherwise than they would have to come to talk to me.” You really liked Erica and believed she could actually help you get through this. But there were some things you weren’t quite sure you were ready to talk about to someone you hardly ever knew. You weren’t even sure if you even wanted to tell Bucky. You knew you’d have to tell him eventually, but just like him, it was going to take time and a lot of support.

Natasha brought you up to your room and helped you get into bed, which to you took forever because you were already six months pregnant and feeling like a beached whale. “Would you like me to stay, Y/N?”

You blinked at Nat tiredly. “No, I’m good, Nat. I think I’m just going to sleep for a bit, considering these two have been kicking up a storm.” She glanced from your around belly to you, smiling fondly. A hesitant hand hovered over it, but she pulled away, that was unacceptable to you, however. So you grabbed her wrist and softly placed it on the spot where the twins were kicking the most. Seeming to sense a new presence, they kicked at Nat’s hand excitedly. The assassin let out a small surprised laugh.

“They like you, not surprised about that.” You smiled at the pleased face of your friendly redhead. If there was a content look on her face and a wet look in her eyes, you weren’t going to say anything.

“Are you excited to meet them?” Nat broke out of her trance and looked at you.

“Every day, hopefully, they look like Bucky. Dark hair, blue eyes, his strength…” you let out a small sigh, thinking of the future. Nat squeezed your hand at the mention of Bucky.

“What of Bucky? Is he eager to meet them?” Squeezing her hand back, you gave her a lost look.

“Not entirely sure to be honest. If he is, he’s really good at hiding it.” Your free hand ran over your stomach, smiling to yourself as you felt a kick hit against your palm.

“Does he avoid being around you because of it?” Nat looked as if she was going to rip Bucky a new one. You knew she had her reasons, but you also knew that he was struggling more than he’d like to admit.

“Nat, I can assure you that he is very protective over us, that you don’t have to worry about. It’s just when they first started kicking, I was so happy you know? So I wanted Bucky to experience it as well, but he jerked back saying he wasn’t ready yet. I know he loves me that he loves them, but after all, that’s happened? I just want him to be able to hold me without fearing that he’s going to hurt us. I miss him, Nat, it’s not fair.” Your eyes began to water and you cursed, wiping away the tears as they began to fall. You really hated these stupid hormones, they messed up your day to day routine. Of course, your routine was already messed up, but the extra hormones and emotions didn’t help.

Your feet were killing you, not to mention your back was sore, even though you couldn’t walk by yourself. But you were stubborn and had Steve half carry you as you “tried” to walk. All you wanted to do was talk a hot bath, eat all the food you could find and sleep. Sleep with Bucky’s arms protectively around you, by your side without that nagging fear. You began to think back to the time where both of you were happy with what you had, where you were and how everything was going. But in a blink of an eye, all of that was changed. Taken away from you. Sure you were gifted with the two precious lives growing inside you, but it wasn’t the same. Their future was almost taken away from them and if it wasn’t for the team, you would have no chance at saving them from it. You knew both you and Bucky would move past this, but at what cost? He’s gone through so much and lost so much more.

“Y/N stop that, stop that right now.” Nat’s grip on your hand tightened, giving you her stern face. “You all got out alive and well. Yes, there are still challenges that need to be faced, but the most important thing is that you are here. You’re both getting the best help out there, Tony’s been working hard with Bucky every day. Same with Bruce. Bucky’s in good hands and he’s been getting good results from what Tony and Bruce have come up with. And the most important thing is that he loves you. He might not have told you this, but he wouldn’t have done this if it wasn’t for your support.” She brushed back your hair, placing a kiss and your forehead.

“So stop worrying and try to rest. I’ll go update Bucky on how you’re doing and see how his progress is.” You smiled at Nat through heavy eyes.

“Thanks, Nat, how do you always know the answers?” She smiled as she stood up from the bed.

“It’s my job, now sleep.” Your body, heavy with sleep sunk into the mattress, letting sleep take over with ease.

                                                 ------------------

                                                   Bucky’s POV

I sat silently in the Hulk containment room, leaning against the wall waiting until it was time for them to finally let me out of here. Though, I doubted it would be anytime soon considering what I just did. I glanced down at my arm, trying my best not to move too fast.

‘Stupid, you stupid fucker, just found another way to hurt yourself. Way to go Barnes.’ I just had to go and put another hole in a wall and manage to screw something up. Every major move I made felt as if needles were being pricked into my skin, but not in a good way. Surprisingly, the only thing that seemed to be damaged was just some of the wires acting as nerves connected to where my shoulder ended and everything else was in perfect condition. Well, besides the pieces of rubble that happened to wedge their way between the plates. Which was not pleasant at all, in fact, it felt as if someone was rubbing sandpaper across my skin.

I can see why they made this room for Bruce. Considering that I put a few dents of my own on the door. Tony’s definitely not going to be happy about that, just another thing for him to fix. Seems as if the only thing I can do now is break things. Everything I touch either breaks or gets destroyed. How Y/N hasn’t been hurt by me yet is surprising. I want to hold her so badly, but that lingering fear of hurting her with my newly gained strength that will for surely kill her. When I heard that bitch was making Y/N uncomfortable, the chance of him harming my kids and then when I heard she used her panic bracelet? That was the last straw, I lost it and tried all I could to get to her and protect her, but due to my anger episode I was locked away in here and had no choice but to wait until Steve or somebody came to check up on me. Which hopefully would be soon, because I’ve been locked up far too much for my taste and would rather not have to be alone with my own thoughts. That was never a good thing.

Thankfully, it wasn’t much longer until the lock clicked open and Steve walked in, a few SHIELD agents stationed outside. I frowned at the lack of trust that was going on here, ‘specially from Steve. The agents were watching me with smug grins on their faces, that was something I did not appreciate. I stood up on my feet, eyes never leaving those fuckers. I looked over Steve’s shoulder and glared at them, eyeing their uniforms carefully. They had a few tasers and they all had .99 mils with extra cartridges. Their suits were pressed all neat and proper, their hair was done just right, no, it just made me want to throw up even more. But thanks to my enhanced skills, I was able to see right through their little act.

“Seriously, Stevie?” I nod towards the agents outside, “Fury must be desperate if he’s been sending newbie agents to help escort the Winter Soldier. Or does he want me to give ‘em new faces? ‘Cause that I can do.” Steve’s stern frown, curled up into a grin.

“You jerk,” he pulled me into a hug, “apparently they’re new recruits that I’m supposed to show around. Thought I’d start off here.” Steve spoke quietly for only me to hear then stepped back and gestured towards the open door. “After you, Bucky, Tony, and Bruce are ready for you I think.”

“Great, sooner I get it done, the sooner I can get back to Y/N.” I walked out of the room and just like I predicted, one of the agents spoke up.

“Uh, Captain, sir?” Steve stopped and faced the agent.

“What is it, Agent?”

“Isn’t the prisoner supposed to be restrained? He’s a high-level assassin and should be monitored while visiting a well-respected Avenger.” Steve was about to speak his mind when I decided to make my own move. I walked right up to the agent who took a step back the more I advanced towards him.

“Stand down! Stand down or I will have no choice but to use force!” The agent pointed the taser at me while the other three pointed their guns at me. However, when I made no notion of stopping, they fired their weapons. The bullets hitting my arm, my shoulder, and abdomen, while the taser connected to my left shoulder. Their faces paled when I didn’t react at all. I stopped in front of the pale man, who tried not to shake where he was standing.

“High-level assassin? I’m the one assassin you don’t want to mess with and better be careful what you say to the assassin who happens to be engaged to that said Avenger.” I looked down to the places where they shot me and easily pulled out the bullets with my fully functioning left arm, then proceeded to watch the holes heal rapidly. “I forgot to mention, this assassin also happens to be an Avenger and someone who doesn’t answer to SHIELD. So, excuse me,” I turned back to Steve who I could tell was struggling to keep himself composed. “Let’s go, Stevie.”

I started to continue down the hallway when I stopped and turned towards the same agent as before. “Oh, I should probably give this back to you,” I handed the extra clip to him, “wouldn’t want to lose that now would we?” I grinned at him as he took the clip from my hand and proceeded to check where he placed it earlier.

“Now I’m ready to see Tony and Bruce, but seriously? That was too easy.” Steve cracked then, hand landing on his chest as he laughed.

“Ok, that was good, but give ‘em some slack, it’s only their first week,” Steve replied as we made our way up to Tony’s lab, the agents following us at a safe distance.

“First week my ass, Steve, I swear the things we went through 70 years ago was more challenging than what they’re doing now.” I fell silent as I thought back to the time of the war and what I had to go through to get prepared for it.

“Bucky stop, don’t go there, it won’t make any of this better.”

“None of this makes it any better, Steve, it just takes time to fully catch up to what’s going on everywhere else.” Steve gave me a concerned side look. “If they want to work in this type of field Steve, then they need to fucking act like it.” We stop right in front of the lab. “Because cocky guys like them, get killed and are easy targets for guys like me.” I made sure that the agents heard every single word I said. Sure, they were a bunch of overconfident assholes who think that they are the best there is, but that type of behavior could be deadly. I knew Steve understood, I just hoped the agents did.

“Let me know how it goes?” He asked before I punched in the code to the door.

“Yeah, let me know how their tour goes?” I asked him as I looked behind him at the group, who quickly looked away.

“Yeah, now get in there so you can go see Y/N.” Steve pushed me towards the door then left with the group. I punched in the code to the lab and walked in.

“Frosty! Let’s get started, we’ll run some scans, fix some things and get it all cleaned up for you.” Tony remarked as they finished setting up their station.

“Sounds good Stark, sounds good.” I got settled into the chair and just let them do their thing.

                                                     Readers POV

“Ah Miss Y/N, Sergeant Barnes is a very lucky man,” Albern spoke huskily in your ear as he trailed his hand down your back, “knowing you were graced with such soft skin.” You suppressed a shudder as his hand continued to trail down over the bandage wrapped around your lower back, then down your thighs.

“It’s a shame I had to mark up the skin this way, I’d rather prefer to mark you in a much different way, my dear,” you felt his hot breath on your neck just before he sucked a good harsh bruise onto your skin.

“Omifh!” You tried to scream out, but the gag in your mouth prevented you from doing so.

“Mmm, delectable as well. When the time is right, we can enjoy our...time together, for now, however, we have some things to do first.” He turned your face around and placed a kiss on the corner of your mouth, “The more you struggle, the greater the pain will be.” He pulled away and stepped to the side into your blind spot. Nothing happened right away, but when it did, you screamed into the gag as Albern took great joy in carving a knife into the skin of your back. Every so often, he’d stop and caress your skin and whisper words into your side.

You struggled against your restraints, but they wouldn’t give. You were helpless in this situation and the only thing you could do was hope that this pain would end quickly.

“Y/N! Y/N, please, please wake up! You’re not there, you’re safe.” You jerked awake when a hand gently nudged you. You scrambled to sit up, the person beside you helped you up and swing your legs over the side so you could lean forward to catch your breath. “That’s great doll, just take deep breaths.” A warm calloused hand slid across your cheek and around your neck. You leaned into the touch until you felt your head land on a shoulder. Pushing your nose into the neck, you breathed in the familiar scent. There was only one person who smelled like mint, leather, and Bucky. Sobbing in relief, you held onto him tightly.

“B-Bucky, oh-oh god!” As you felt two strong arms wrap around you, you couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, so you let them go. Knowing that Bucky will be there to hold you up above the nightmares that were threatening to drown you.

“I got you doll, you’re safe with me. He’s gone, he can’t touch us anymore.” You pulled him tighter against you, taking shelter in his arms.

“But it feels as if he’s still here. The world feels like it’s closing in around me and I can’t see anything.” You felt him pull away from you and kiss your mouth ever so gently.

“Stay here, I’ll be back in a few minutes, alright?” He looked at you with eager eyes, so you nodded and watched him rush out of the bedroom and heard some doors open and closing. Not sure what he was actually doing, you forced yourself to sit and wait until he came back from doing whatever he was planning. A good thirty minutes passed when he finally came back wearing sweatpants, a hoodie, and thick wool socks, holding folded clothes in his hands.

He knelt in front of you, placing the clothes beside him. “You alright if I help you get changed? It’s going to be cold where we’re going.”

“Of course I’m alright with that, Bucky.” A small smile he gave you made you feel a whole lot better. So you sat patiently, letting Bucky arrange you however as he changed you into your own pair of sweatpants, hoodie and wool socks. Once you were ready, he picked you up bridal style and headed straight towards the elevator.

“JARVIS, could you bring me to the floor, please?”

“Yes, Mr. Barnes.” The elevator headed up towards the roof, what Bucky had planned you had no idea.

“Where are we going?”

“Not much of a surprise if I tell you now is it?” Bucky smiled down at you as he held you closer. So you rested your head against his shoulder and enjoyed the ride. Soon after, the elevator stopped and opened to reveal Tony’s floor. Why the hell did Bucky bring you up to Tony’s floor? Bucky walked past the living room, kitchen and bedroom until he was standing in front of another set of doors. JARVIS being the lovely AI he is opened the doors to Tony’s private balcony. Completely set up with layers of fluffy blankets, pillows, grapes, cheese, and crackers. It was lit up well enough to see what you were doing, but also to see the stars that were beginning to shine.

“Y-You remembered.” You were blown away at the site before you. Bucky settled down into the mass of pillows and blankets, situating you right between his legs so you could rest against his chest.

“‘Course I remembered, we used to watch the stars all the time before...before everything happened.” He tensed underneath you for a split second, but it quickly dissipated. “I’m sorry for all this happening to you, Y/N. None of this would’ve happened if-”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, James Buchanan Barnes, don’t you dare.” You did your best to twist around to face him as you scolded him. “It doesn’t matter if we were together or not. He would’ve gone after anyone if it meant he had a good chance of getting you. But like you said before, he’s gone, no longer in the picture. You got to him, gave him what he damn well deserved and watched as the whole place was blown to smithereens with him underneath it all.” You ran your hand through his hair, pushing yourself up to kiss the lips you loved so much.

“Stop focusing on the past and focus on the now and what is to come. Everything he’s done up to the point he died, is gone. All information destroyed and what was worth keeping is safely put away for good. We’re both alive, sure we have more scars to bear than most, but...we’re...alive. And we have a new future ahead of us, we’re having a family of our own to look forward to.” You smiled down at your stomach, feeling them shift around, kicking against the confines of the walls. Wanting Bucky to finally experience this moment, you pulled up the bottom of the hoodie up to under your breasts and gently grabbed his smooth black metal hand.

“It’s okay James,” his eyes shot to yours when you spoke his name, “we trust you, but they really want to meet their daddy.” With slow movements, you placed his hand directly on top of where the twins were previously kicking. As soon as his hand touched your skin, the kicking intensified, leaving you breathless as you laughed happily. Bucky, however, was motionless where he sat, his hand refusing to move. His eyes, however, were telling you exactly what he was feeling. His eyes were filled with tears as they stayed locked on his hand.

“Bucky? Bucky what is it?” You were worried this was beginning to be too much for him, but when he looked at you with the biggest grin you’ve seen since your lives changed, you felt relieved.

“I can, I can feel them.” His eyes darted between your face and his hand. “I can feel their heartbeats.”

“W-What?” You weren’t entirely sure what he just said, but when he began to move his hand around, joining it with his other one, the excitement on his face only grew.

“My hand, it’s, it’s hard to explain, but I can feel their hearts beating, Y/N.” The pair of you shared a watery smile as the kicks sadly dialed down. Bucky leaned down and littered the area with kisses, smiling when he received a small kick in return. Then pulled the hoodie back down, then proceeded to litter your face with your own set of kisses. Speaking words of love and adoration with each one.

“I love your smile” kiss “your laugh” kiss “your personality” kiss “your heart and compassion” kiss, he ran his hand around your neck and pulled you into a kiss. One that was filled with love and promise. “I love you so much Y/N, some days I don’t think I’m worth it, but I’m so glad I am.”

You ran your hand through his hair, using your free hand to bring his metal one to your mouth where you kissed each knuckle, before placing it on your face as well. You closed your eyes continently as you breathed him in, feeling protected as his presence engulfed you. This moment was perfect up until your emotions decided to shoot into overdrive. He pulled you close to him, wrapping his arms around you as he held you protectively in his lap, as you cried into his shoulder.

“What’s wrong Y/N? What can I do to help you?” He spoke soothingly to you, you just held onto him tighter, not wanting him to let you go for even a second.

“Just hold me, hold me please.”

“I got you doll, I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not.”

“I’ve just missed you, missed you being around me, with me. It feels as if I can’t breathe when you’re not around me.” You finally tell him after you take a few minutes to calm down. You felt bad for telling him that, afraid that you’ll make him feel worse about himself. He just buries his face into your neck, breathing you in and touching his lips to every inch of skin he could reach.

“Y/N, the reason why I stayed off to the side is that I need to know the full extent of my own strength. I know you trust me to be around you and the twins, but I need to trust myself.” He trailed kisses up your neck and began to nibble on the patch of skin behind your ear he knew drove you wild. “And believe me doll, just having you here with me helps.”

“Alright Mr. Barnes, enough of that,” you playfully swat his face away and grab the snacks he so lovingly provided, “the little guys are hungry and there is no way in hell we are making out on this balcony.”

“Why not? I always wanted to make you hot and bothered on a balcony.” He wiggled his eyebrows at you, but you stopped him when you stuffed a few grapes in his mouth.

“In case if you forgot, we did that at Tony’s beach house remember?” Of course, you knew he remembered that day on the balcony, and the bathroom, the pool, the living room, the kitchen and the bedroom. You were pretty sure Tony had to sterilize the whole place afterward, but it was totally worth it.

“Now that was fun, maybe he’ll let us do it again.” You pecked Bucky on the lips then helped yourself to more grapes.

“Maybe, but right now I just want to cuddle with you and watch the stars with you.” Bucky wrapped a huge blanket around the both of you, food still well within reach, as you both settled in for the night of stargazing. You weren’t sure what tomorrow would bring or what the future holds for the four of you, but you were going to take this as a win. A step towards the path of healing. A step into yours and Bucky’s new future and your new life together.

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[rationalsanskar]

How to breathe yourself happier: This week doctors claimed meditation can beat pain and depression. I’m living proof… – Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World | Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World

William Bankes-Jones had spent the entire morning para-gliding above the Norfolk countryside. At one point he’d reached 1,000ft, held aloft by nothing more than powerful currents of rising air, but now he was sinking slowly back to earth. Anxious to fly for a little longer, he tried to catch a thermal rising from a nearby field, hoping it would lift him back towards  the clouds. But as William turned towards it, he noticed a line of tall trees blocking his path. Too late. He smashed into the tallest tree, hung in mid-air for a few agonising moments, then plummeted to earth.

‘The pain was excruciating,’ says William. ‘It was so intense that I blacked out. Every time I regained consciousness, the pain would knock me out again. It was horrific.’

Doctors soon discovered that William had broken his back in three places and one of his vertebrae had burst wide open. But this was just the start of the 55-year-old’s ordeal.

‘In the weeks that followed, I was highly stressed and in severe pain. I was facing the possibility of paralysis,’ he recalls. ‘I couldn’t feed myself or go to the toilet without help. I knew I was going to spend the rest of my days in constant pain and my career as an NHS physiotherapist was probably over. It felt like my life was in ruins.

‘The hospital had given me a morphine drip to help me cope with the intense pain, but it had unpleasant side-effects, so I decided to try what’s called mindfulness meditation instead. I’d learned how to meditate many years before, but never expected to use it under such extreme circumstances.

‘After I started, within a few minutes the pain had reduced by about half. After about 20  minutes, it had reduced by around 90 per cent.’

Treating pain with meditation may seem like a desperate — and unlikely — measure but it is gaining widespread acceptance. A study published online this week in the prestigious online medical journal JAMA Internal Medicine claimed meditation can indeed be a powerful painkiller. Not only that, it also said that practising mindfulness for just half an hour a day can offer people with depression as much relief as popping a pill. This review of previous studies found regular meditation could alleviate symptoms of depression as well as conventional anti-depressants.

The same study also highlighted its power to help people cope with the after-effects of cancer treatment, such as exhaustion, nausea and systemic pain. It does this by dissolving anxiety and stress while also boosting the immune system.

Dr Madhav Goyal, of Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, who led the team carrying out the research, says: ‘It was surprising to see that with so little training we were still seeing consistent effects.’

Another study published recently in the journal Neuroscience suggests mindfulness can reduce the ‘unpleasantness’ of pain by around 60 per cent. Experienced meditators can reduce it by 90 percent.

Dr Fadel Zeidan, lead researcher of the study, carried out at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Centre in North Carolina, says: ‘Meditation produced a greater reduction in pain than even morphine or other pain-relieving drugs.’

A typical meditation used in the studies involved focusing on the  sensations the breath makes as it flows into and out of the body. This allows you to ‘see’ your mind in action, to observe difficult thoughts and painful sensations as they arise, and to let go of your struggles with them. This creates a relaxed state of mind that reduces the levels of stress hormones in the body. Such deep relaxation enhances healing and boosts mental and physical health. In the case of pain, it encourages the brain to turn down the  ‘volume’ control on its suffering.

Don’t believe it? I can personally vouch for its effectiveness as a pain and stress reliever. Seven years ago, I also had a  terrible paragliding accident that shattered my right leg. The impact drove the lower half of my leg up through the knee and into my thigh. I needed three major operations and intensive physiotherapy to repair the damage.

Throughout my ordeal, I used mindfulness to help me cope with the intense pain and stress, which was accompanied by more than a little anxiety. And it worked to an astonishing degree. My pain gradually subsided and I was able to reduce my intake of painkillers by two-thirds. I also developed a more contented outlook, seeing my injuries as temporary problems that would gradually subside, rather than as limb-threatening ones that might confine me to a wheelchair. Equally, it gave me the mental  stamina and clarity of purpose to persevere with the more conventional treatments such as physiotherapy.

Mindfulness meditation is, I’m convinced, why I recovered in double-quick time. My leg actually healed in six months rather than the predicted 18. I became so convinced by the power of the technique that I began to train as a meditation teacher, and then  co-wrote the bestselling book  Mindfulness, with Professor Mark Williams of Oxford University.

This has now sold almost 200,000 copies in 19 languages and is  currently America’s bestselling meditation book. One of the reasons for the book’s popularity is, I believe, because of its focus on sound science and medicine, rather than spirituality. Although mindfulness meditation has its origins in ancient Buddhism, it is now an entirely secular practice. It is no more religious than yoga. This allows people of all faiths, and atheists, to follow the simple practices with a clear conscience.

This secular approach was begun in the late Seventies by Dr Jon Kabat-Zinn of the University of Massachusetts Medical Centre. He saw the potential healing power of meditation and was determined to bring it into the medical mainstream. Professor Williams, and his colleagues in Cambridge and Toronto, then turned it into a powerful  treatment for depression known as Mindfulness-Based Cognitive  Therapy (MBCT). This is at least as effective as drugs or counselling for severe depression. It is so powerful that it’s now one of the preferred treatments recommended by the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence.

Professor Williams says: ‘Scientific studies have now shown that mindfulness not only prevents depression, but that it also positively affects the brain patterns underlying day-to-day anxiety, stress, depression and irritability. This means that when distressing thoughts arise, they dissolve away again more easily.

‘Other studies have shown that regular meditators see their doctors less often and spend fewer days in hospital. Memory improves,  creativity increases and reaction times become faster.’

Nor do you need to meditate for hours each day to gain these  benefits. According to Professor Williams: ‘Just 10 to 20 minutes per day of mindfulness meditation can have a significant benefit on overall mental health and wellbeing.’

Perhaps the most surprising thing about these benefits is that you can actually see them taking root in the brain. Imaging studies show that the brain lays down extra connections and tissue in areas associated with attention, memory and empathy in proportion to the hours of meditation practised. You can also see stress reactions in the brain dissolve once people begin to meditate.

Variants of MBCT are proving to be effective for treating a wide range of other mental and physical health problems. Hospitals have now started prescribing it to help patients cope with the suffering arising from a wide range of diseases such as cancer (and the side-effects of chemotherapy), heart disease, diabetes and arthritis.

It is also now used for back  problems, migraine, chronic fatigue, irritable bowel syndrome and even multiple sclerosis. Mindfulness appears to help IBS sufferers by reducing inflammation. With MS, meditation seems to promote healing while reducing such distressing symptoms as pain, pins and needles, balance problems, anxiety and depression.

Professor Lance McCraken, clinical psychologist at King’s College, London, says: ‘It has now become a vital part of our treatment  programme at Guy’s and St Thomas’ Hospitals. Mindfulness infuses everything we do.

‘Our patients tend to become very keen on it. When they have a little taste of mindfulness, and see how it can transform their lives for the better, they become very committed to meditation.’

It’s not just beneficial to adults; when applied in schools, mindfulness increases both children’s self-esteem and performance in class. This is largely because it reduces stress and enhances clarity of thought.

With all of these benefits, it’s hardly surprising that many businesses have begun offering in-house mindfulness classes. Apple and Google are the most prominent. Apple’s co-founder the late Steve Jobs was a Zen Buddhist who encouraged his employees to take up meditation.

Google offers its employees a mindfulness-based training programme called Search Inside Yourself, that aims to enhance kindness, integrity and compassion. And it’s not all about the individual: the programme’s founder says these qualities are also beneficial to the corporate bottom line.

William Bankes-Jones has experienced  all of these benefits first hand. He made a surprisingly good recovery from his 2010 para-gliding accident. When he returned to work, he began to teach mindfulness to his physiotherapy patients.

‘It can help them heal faster,’ he says simply. ‘The more at ease you are within yourself the better you heal.’

HOW TO DO IT IN FIVE EASY STEPS

 Meditation can be simple and does not require any special equipment. This meditation demonstrates the basic technique and takes just a few minutes. It should leave you profoundly relaxed.

1 – Sit erect but relaxed in a straight-backed chair with your feet flat on the floor. Or you can lie on a mat or blanket on the floor, or on your bed. Allow your arms and hands to be as relaxed as possible.

2 – Gently close your eyes and focus your awareness on the breath as it flows into and out of your body. Feel the sensations the air makes as it flows through your mouth or nose, down your throat and into your lungs. Feel the expansion and subsiding of your chest and belly as you breathe. Focus your awareness on where the sensations are strongest. Stay in contact with each in-breath and out-breath. Observe them without trying to alter them in any way or expecting anything special to happen.

3 – When your mind wanders, gently shepherd it back to the breath. Try not to criticise yourself. Minds wander. It’s what they do. The act of realising that your mind has wandered — and encouraging it to return to focus on the breath — is central to the practice of mindfulness.

4 – Your mind may or may not become calm. If it does, this may only be short-lived. It may become filled with thoughts or powerful emotions such as fear, anger, stress or love. These may also be fleeting. Whatever happens, observe without reacting or trying to change anything. Gently return your awareness back to the sensations of the breath again and again.

5 – After a few minutes, or longer if you prefer, gently open your eyes and take in your surroundings.

The post How to breathe yourself happier: This week doctors claimed meditation can beat pain and depression. I’m living proof… – Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World | Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World appeared first on METAMORPHOSIS.

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[podcastdx]

POTs Posteural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome

Jean: [00:00:15] I. am so excited to talk about today's topic. I already started the application process online. [00:00:19][4.9]

Lita: [00:00:20] Wait a minute. What application process? [00:00:21][1.1]

Jean: [00:00:22] For medical marijuana. [00:00:22][0.7]

Ron: [00:00:24] We're not talking about marijuana today. [00:00:25][1.5]

Jean: [00:00:26] Oh but I thought you guys said we were talking about pot. [00:00:28][2.0]

Lita: [00:00:28] No Jean we're talking about POTs. [00:00:30][2.0]

Jean: [00:00:34] OK. POTs, Well then on with the show. Hello and welcome to podcastdx the show that brings you interviews with people just like you whose lives were forever changed by a medical diagnosis. [00:00:44][10.7]

Lita: [00:00:45] I'm Lita. [00:00:45][0.3]

Ron: [00:00:46] . I'm Ron. [00:00:46][0.9]

Jean: [00:00:47] And I'm Jean-Marie. Collectively we are the hosts of podcast X this podcast is not intended to be a substitute for a professional medical advice diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment and before undertaking a new health care regimen and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you've heard on this podcast. [00:01:18][30.5]

Ron: [00:01:18] After all, we are not doctors. [00:01:19][1.0]

Lita: [00:01:20] We don't even play them on TV. [00:01:21][1.0]

Jean: [00:01:22] But if we were to be TV doctors I'd like to be Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. [00:01:25][3.2]

Ron: [00:01:26] And I'd be.... [00:01:26][0.4]

Lita: [00:01:27] Ummm no, now back to the show. [00:01:28][0.9]

Ron: [00:01:29] Right. On today's show we'll be interviewing one of our own PodcastDX host Jean Marie. Jean had a condition called POTs which stand for postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. POTs maybe a condition our listeners aren't familiar with. Please allow us to give you some background. Jean this is a condition you acquired when you were injured while on active duty. What did you tell us about it. [00:01:54][25.2]

Jean: [00:01:55] Well Ron POTs is a condition that affects your heart rate and blood pressure with change in position from like lying to standing or sitting to standing. But it isn't really a heart disease or a heart disorder rather it's a disorder of the central nervous system that regulates the heart rate, blood pressure and the rest of the parasympathetic nervous system; breathing, digestion those are all part of this same system and could be affected as well. [00:02:19][24.4]

Lita: [00:02:20] Thank you for the background info Jean and thank you for being a guest instead of a host today. [00:02:25][4.7]

Jean: [00:02:26] Yeah I didn't know I had a choice in the matter. [00:02:27][2.0]

Ron: [00:02:30] hmmm hmm I understand it's been 10 years since you were diagnosed with POTs? [00:02:33][2.7]

Jean: [00:02:33] That's right. I was injured in 2000 but it took about eight years to sort out all of the resulting conditions from that accident. [00:02:40][6.3]

Lita: [00:02:41] Well Jean, you look great. POTs isn't something that people typically see as a disability or a condition there might not be outward signs but being active enough to join us tonight might be a really big thing for somebody with POTs. Can you tell our listeners how POTs affects you personally in your everyday life. [00:03:03][21.9]

Jean: [00:03:03] Sure. Every time I change positions like from moving from sitting to standing or lying down just sitting I get a headache but it only lasts for a few seconds. In addition I tend to faint quite a lot. I passed out while drying my hands. I fell into a bathtub and fractured my kneecap and my cribriform plate. I had CSF or some cerebral spinal fluid leaking from my nose and I was on bedrest for about two weeks or a month afterwards. [00:03:32][29.0]

Lita: [00:03:34] Well Jean what symptoms first led you to the doctor. [00:03:37][3.0]

Jean: [00:03:38] I kept fainting having dizzy spells and the like. [00:03:40][2.5]

Ron: [00:03:41] Well how long did it take for you to get a diagnosis. [00:03:42][1.3]

Jean: [00:03:44] My symptoms were bothering me for about eight years before they diagnosed me with POTs. [00:03:47][3.5]

Ron: [00:03:48] Wow. Can you recall any specific symptoms that really stood out. [00:03:53][4.4]

Jean: [00:03:53] Well I actually thought my symptoms were normal for someone with a head injury. And then one day I was waiting for my nephews to finish up their sailing lessons on Lake Michigan when I felt very dizzy and when they got back to shore we all went to the hospital and I was very surprised to see how low my blood pressure was. It was around 50 over 40 and it took hours for it to come back to normal for it which is for me is about 120 over 60 for me. [00:04:19][25.1]

Lita: [00:04:19] What tests help diagnose your condition. [00:04:21][2.1]

Jean: [00:04:23] The tests for this condition are a bit odd. There's the tilt table test and for that the doctor or technician straps you to a table and then the table literally tilts up until you are in a standing position. And while they're doing this they're monitoring your blood pressure and pulse throughout this test. And then there's a couple other tests that they actually monitor your perspiration based on chemical and electrical stimulation. [00:04:47][24.0]

Lita: [00:04:48] Did anything help relieve your symptoms before you were actually diagnosed. Anything that you could help yourself to feel better. [00:04:56][8.1]

Jean: [00:04:57] Moving slowly taking time to get up slowly and staying hydrated. And then my doctors also prescribed support stockings and an abdominal binder to help keep my blood pressure up. But I had no control over when I would faint. [00:05:11][14.1]

Ron: [00:05:12] Well how bad did it actually get before the doctor diagnosed you. And what was the worst symptom you had to deal with. [00:05:19][6.3]

Jean: [00:05:19] Well when I would faint I would often get hurt as I said before I fractured my skull and my kneecap. I also tore all of the tendons and ligaments off of my ankle. And last year this time I bruised my spleen when I fainted into a fire pit. [00:05:33][13.5]

Lita: [00:05:35] Did anything help with that symptom at the time. [00:05:37][2.1]

Jean: [00:05:38] I was told to limit my activities and they actually prescribed that I use a wheelchair and sug, suggested that I use a wheelchair for transportation. [00:05:46][7.7]

Lita: [00:05:48] OK well moving ahead to when you actually were diagnosed. How did you feel when you found out what was actually going on. [00:05:55][7.8]

Jean: [00:05:56] I was relieved. They said that medication might help and that I needed to drink more caffeine and increase my salt intake. So coffee and fries with salts. [00:06:05][9.2]

Ron: [00:06:06] All right. Now I understand that POTs is a type of dysaoutotomia a dysfunction of the nerves that regulate the body's involuntary body functions such as the heart rate blood pressure and sweating. There are many causes from autoimmune disease to inherited disorders and viruses that damage the nervous system. Also mass cell disorders to spinal injury. And that's just naming a few of them. Did you discover what caused your condition and was there an actual starting point for this disorder. [00:06:40][33.3]

Jean: [00:06:41] Yes I suffered a rather serious head neck and shoulder injury and that was when I started having my symptoms and that is what caused me to get POTs. [00:06:51][9.4]

Lita: [00:06:52] What types of doctors or specialists did you see before you were actually diagnosed. [00:06:56][4.2]

Jean: [00:06:57] I have over the past 18 years I've seen a wide range of medical specialists from almost every discipline. [00:07:03][5.2]

Lita: [00:07:04] Okay. Now you're from the Chicago area as we know and we have a good selection of health care providers close by. Did you find what you needed here close to home or did you have to travel looking for expertise. [00:07:16][12.0]

Jean: [00:07:17] Well although there are amazing physicians right here in Chicago I did receive a lot of care out-of-state as well from everywhere from Stanford, Walter Reed. All the way to the east coast and in New York. [00:07:32][15.4]

Ron: [00:07:34] Was there a time you had to be hospitalized either because of the POTs or because of an injury you occurred after passing out. [00:07:40][6.6]

Jean: [00:07:41] Yes I have been to the E.R. and hospitalized and more than one occasion. [00:07:44][3.1]

Lita: [00:07:46] And do you have to take a lot of medication. [00:07:47][1.2]

Jean: [00:07:48] Well I am more than some people less than others I take medications that actually help keep my blood pressure up and I actually take salt tablets every day. [00:07:57][8.8]

Ron: [00:07:58] Has anything else changed since your diagnosis. [00:07:59][1.4]

Jean: [00:08:01] Well unlike most people I have to load up on caffeine and salts. And so that's a little bit unusual because most times they tell you to cut those two. But walking is still very important and I just have to be very careful. And then there are certain diet restrictions I drink about one hundred and forty four ounces of water a day which is a bit more than average I think. And I have to you know monitor my blood pressure Maintain a healthy diet and take the time extra time when I'm getting up from either lying or sitting down to standing so that my blood pressure doesn't fall and I don't faint. [00:08:36][35.5]

Lita: [00:08:37] OK. Does anything make your life easier. [00:08:40][2.5]

Jean: [00:08:40] Well last year I received a recumbent bike from an organization called Ride to Recovery and that's allowed me to get you know the chance to get outside feel the fresh air and have a bit of fun. [00:08:50][9.1]

Lita: [00:08:50] Well sure why not. Everybody should. I think they call it recreational therapy don't they Ron. [00:08:55][4.7]

Ron: [00:08:55] Yeah I think you're right. [00:08:56][0.8]

Jean: [00:08:57] Oh- from the two recreational therapists. [00:08:58][1.5]

Ron: [00:09:00] You're stuck with us. [00:09:00][0.6]

Lita: [00:09:00] Yeah. What would you like our audience to know about POTs. [00:09:03][2.8]

Jean: [00:09:05] I guess that it's good for everyone to keep in mind that you're not always going to see someone's health condition or problem that some problems are as they say like invisible. So don't judge people just on what you see. [00:09:15][10.6]

Ron: [00:09:16] All right since you're the expert here what advice might you have for our listeners. [00:09:21][4.7]

Jean: [00:09:22] Well I definitely think it's a good idea to keep a list of all your symptoms. And even though it sounds a bit redundant go over the same list with every single doctor you see. [00:09:31][8.5]

Ron: [00:09:32] OK Jean thank you so much for sharing your story on today's show. If any of our listeners out there have POTs we'd love to hear from you. [00:09:40][7.8]

Jean: [00:09:40] Or pot. [00:09:41][0.1]

Ron: [00:09:42] Oh no. [00:09:42][0.1]

Lita: [00:09:42] no, no pot. I umm, We might be doing an episode on pot. [00:09:45][2.3]

Jean: [00:09:46] OK. [00:09:46][0.0]

Ron: [00:09:47] But that would be later. [00:09:47][0.5]

Lita: [00:09:48] Yes. [00:09:48][0.0]

Ron: [00:09:48] Today we're still talking about POTs. [00:09:49][0.6]

Lita: [00:09:49] Yes. Yes. [00:09:49][0.2]

Jean: [00:09:49] Oh OK sorry. [00:09:50][0.6]

Ron: [00:09:51] OK. on with the show. If you would like to suggest a future podcast topic maybe pot. Visit our website at podcast D X dot com. [00:10:00][9.0]

Lita: [00:10:00] And if you have any questions or comments related to today's show you can contact us at podcast D X at Yahoo dot com through our Web site or on Facebook Instagram Pinterest or Twitter. [00:10:13][12.4]

Ron: [00:10:14] And if you have a moment to spare please give us a five star review on iTunes podcast app. We'd really appreciate it. [00:10:21][6.8]

Lita: [00:10:21] Thank you. [00:10:21][0.0]

[534.4]

Check out this episode!

[phawareglobal]

Kevin Lee Burger Transcript

Kevin Lee Burger shares his story about being diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension, the importance of PH awareness and the reasons that led him to create an online support system to meet the needs of men diagnosed with this rare disease - The PH Men's PHight Club on facebook. 

This interview was recorded in June, 2016. Kevin passed away on December 15, 2016.

Listen to “I’m Aware That I’m Rare: the phaware™ podcast” at www.phaware.global/podcast. Learn more about pulmonary hypertension at www.phaware.global. #phaware #phawarepod

  I'm Kevin Burger, from Lockport, New York, Niagara County. I was diagnosed 2008, with IPAH, after several years of fighting it, not knowing what was going on. Although it's been undetermined, I was ... became ill through the military, actually, exposed to chemicals. Since then, I've been working towards getting better. My diagnosis came about after several attempts, several hospitals in the Buffalo, New York, area, unable to find my reason for not being able to breathe, and the chest pains. They told my father and mother that they were sending me home. My father, actually, got quite upset, and said, "No, you're going to find what's causing this."

The doctor told me, we have one test that you've never been given, and, that's the right heart cath test. He explained to me what was going on with it and how it would work, but, he ended our conversation that day with, "I highly doubt you have what this test is going to show. You're too young, you're in too good a shape, and, I just don't feel in my gut," he said, "I don't feel like you have this condition." I never thought to ask the condition, I was just glad somebody had found a new test to do.

The next morning I went in for my right heart cath, very early in the morning. They had the results by 10:30 in the morning. The doctor came in, stood over me in the bed, and his exact words were, "Mr. Burger, we found the cause of your difficulty in breathing, and your chest pain." Of course, I was ecstatic, I said, "Finally, we have a cause. If you find the cause you can find the cure, right?" My exact words. His response was, "No." With tears in his eyes he said, "I'm sorry to tell you there is no cure for this disease."

I said, "Come on, there's always got to be a cure for it." He said, "No, not only is there no cure for this disease, but, even more so, you probably have about three years, on the outside, to live." Needless to say I was quite shocked. Not the outcome I had expected. Not the outcome I had hoped for. We finished our conversation with him telling me I not only need to get my affairs in order, but, he would like my family that I could get gathered, to come in so he could speak to them and tell them the seriousness, and, explain to them the seriousness of the disease.

I laid in bed that day until my family came ... literally crying. I couldn't believe they were telling me I had three years to live. We had our meeting with the family the next morning. My daughter flew in from California. They sat everybody down, explained to my parents, to my daughter, my wife, myself, what was going to happen from that point forward. From that point forward, in the Buffalo area, there was no doctor's available for pulmonary hypertension. Closest doctor was Rochester, New York, about an hour away, but, other than that, my other option was Cleveland Clinic. We had just moved to the Buffalo area, not even a year at that point, we had lived in New York. Not knowing exactly how far Cleveland was, I opted for the hour drive, versus what turned out to be a 3-1/2 hour drive.

 I went to see Dr. James White. His very first words, and, I'll never forget ... he looked at me and he said, "Forget what you've heard. If they told you three to five years to live?" He said, "I guarantee you ... I guarantee you, I will make you live longer." I just finished my eight-year anniversary two days ago. My pressures went from 115, I believe, 118 ... I'm now at 50. I feel great, although I still wear oxygen, I don't always need it. I went from having to use a mobility scooter, and a wheelchair continuously, to being able to walk upwards of five miles in a day.

 I have difficult days. It's not that the PH has gone away, because it won't go away, but, with the new medications my life has improved tremendously. After four years of struggling with the fact that I was sick ... Struggling with depression ... Struggling with the idea that I was alone in my community ... that no other people had this. Being told it was a very rare disease. I met a young lady, Colleen Schnell, who ran a support group. She invited me to the group meeting. I'm not a big person, big fan of going to support groups, but, she convinced me to come. I went to the first meeting, and, it was very helpful.

After that, for a few years, I continued to meet some people via social network, but, I wasn't meeting anybody my age, I wasn't meeting any men with pulmonary hypertension. We had no network. There was no way to know what men had PH, and who were caregivers, who were just visitors. There needs to be more for men. Within a few weeks I started a social network group on Facebook, called, "The PH Men's PHight Club." The PH PHight Club, the Men's PHight Club, is designed to bring men together that have pulmonary hypertension, and, to help us each deal with our own condition. It's evolved into quite the group. The PHight Club has evolved into not only a friendship of guys, but, a wealth of being able to learn what others are going through, and we each help each other out with our condition. We have members from all over the world. We have members, all ages ... 18 and above.

We don't spend a lot of time, necessarily, talking about the negatives, but we spend a lot of time being positive and joking, and having a good time. I learned in the course of all this from a counselor, that, laughter, truly is the best medicine. So, in the PHight Club, we do a lot of joking, a lot of teasing, but, we do have our moments. When a member is down, we rally behind that member. I've learned how to counsel men. I've learned how to be a mentor to men. I've learned how to listen to men, because, that's the big thing, is being able to listen ... not even, necessarily, provide any advice, or, even say anything, but, just be there. I've learned that I have the capability to be compassionate, and to be caring.

I always knew I had that, having the family, but not towards strangers. The camaraderie has brought us very close together in the group, and I've learned what it means to be a part of something again. Awareness is everything right now. Being able to get out there and reach the men who are struggling, reach the men who felt the way I felt. Being able to raise that awareness, and let the men know that there is somebody out there. There's a group of us out there, that, we're not like the women, we're not like the children of PH, we're a different animal, without a doubt. By that, we support each other in different ways.

I'm a huge supporter of phaware, I'm a big supporter of the fact that they use social media to reach out, and connect with people. I would like to see more men get involved with phaware. It's very important for me to say, right here, and now, that phaware has a lot to provide this community. We are one community. We might be from different groups, but, we are one community. We need to stick together as that community, no matter what our personal beliefs, whatever, our political beliefs, our religious beliefs ... we need to stick together as a community, because that's the only way we're ever going to beat this thing.

My name's Kevin Burger, and I'm aware that I'm rare!

Check out the office phaware™ podcast site

[rationalsanskar]

How to breathe yourself happier: This week doctors claimed meditation can beat pain and depression. I’m living proof… – Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World | Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World

William Bankes-Jones had spent the entire morning para-gliding above the Norfolk countryside. At one point he’d reached 1,000ft, held aloft by nothing more than powerful currents of rising air, but now he was sinking slowly back to earth. Anxious to fly for a little longer, he tried to catch a thermal rising from a nearby field, hoping it would lift him back towards  the clouds. But as William turned towards it, he noticed a line of tall trees blocking his path. Too late. He smashed into the tallest tree, hung in mid-air for a few agonising moments, then plummeted to earth.

‘The pain was excruciating,’ says William. ‘It was so intense that I blacked out. Every time I regained consciousness, the pain would knock me out again. It was horrific.’

Doctors soon discovered that William had broken his back in three places and one of his vertebrae had burst wide open. But this was just the start of the 55-year-old’s ordeal.

‘In the weeks that followed, I was highly stressed and in severe pain. I was facing the possibility of paralysis,’ he recalls. ‘I couldn’t feed myself or go to the toilet without help. I knew I was going to spend the rest of my days in constant pain and my career as an NHS physiotherapist was probably over. It felt like my life was in ruins.

‘The hospital had given me a morphine drip to help me cope with the intense pain, but it had unpleasant side-effects, so I decided to try what’s called mindfulness meditation instead. I’d learned how to meditate many years before, but never expected to use it under such extreme circumstances.

‘After I started, within a few minutes the pain had reduced by about half. After about 20  minutes, it had reduced by around 90 per cent.’

Treating pain with meditation may seem like a desperate — and unlikely — measure but it is gaining widespread acceptance. A study published online this week in the prestigious online medical journal JAMA Internal Medicine claimed meditation can indeed be a powerful painkiller. Not only that, it also said that practising mindfulness for just half an hour a day can offer people with depression as much relief as popping a pill. This review of previous studies found regular meditation could alleviate symptoms of depression as well as conventional anti-depressants.

The same study also highlighted its power to help people cope with the after-effects of cancer treatment, such as exhaustion, nausea and systemic pain. It does this by dissolving anxiety and stress while also boosting the immune system.

Dr Madhav Goyal, of Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, who led the team carrying out the research, says: ‘It was surprising to see that with so little training we were still seeing consistent effects.’

Another study published recently in the journal Neuroscience suggests mindfulness can reduce the ‘unpleasantness’ of pain by around 60 per cent. Experienced meditators can reduce it by 90 percent.

Dr Fadel Zeidan, lead researcher of the study, carried out at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Centre in North Carolina, says: ‘Meditation produced a greater reduction in pain than even morphine or other pain-relieving drugs.’

A typical meditation used in the studies involved focusing on the  sensations the breath makes as it flows into and out of the body. This allows you to ‘see’ your mind in action, to observe difficult thoughts and painful sensations as they arise, and to let go of your struggles with them. This creates a relaxed state of mind that reduces the levels of stress hormones in the body. Such deep relaxation enhances healing and boosts mental and physical health. In the case of pain, it encourages the brain to turn down the  ‘volume’ control on its suffering.

Don’t believe it? I can personally vouch for its effectiveness as a pain and stress reliever. Seven years ago, I also had a  terrible paragliding accident that shattered my right leg. The impact drove the lower half of my leg up through the knee and into my thigh. I needed three major operations and intensive physiotherapy to repair the damage.

Throughout my ordeal, I used mindfulness to help me cope with the intense pain and stress, which was accompanied by more than a little anxiety. And it worked to an astonishing degree. My pain gradually subsided and I was able to reduce my intake of painkillers by two-thirds. I also developed a more contented outlook, seeing my injuries as temporary problems that would gradually subside, rather than as limb-threatening ones that might confine me to a wheelchair. Equally, it gave me the mental  stamina and clarity of purpose to persevere with the more conventional treatments such as physiotherapy.

Mindfulness meditation is, I’m convinced, why I recovered in double-quick time. My leg actually healed in six months rather than the predicted 18. I became so convinced by the power of the technique that I began to train as a meditation teacher, and then  co-wrote the bestselling book  Mindfulness, with Professor Mark Williams of Oxford University.

This has now sold almost 200,000 copies in 19 languages and is  currently America’s bestselling meditation book. One of the reasons for the book’s popularity is, I believe, because of its focus on sound science and medicine, rather than spirituality. Although mindfulness meditation has its origins in ancient Buddhism, it is now an entirely secular practice. It is no more religious than yoga. This allows people of all faiths, and atheists, to follow the simple practices with a clear conscience.

This secular approach was begun in the late Seventies by Dr Jon Kabat-Zinn of the University of Massachusetts Medical Centre. He saw the potential healing power of meditation and was determined to bring it into the medical mainstream. Professor Williams, and his colleagues in Cambridge and Toronto, then turned it into a powerful  treatment for depression known as Mindfulness-Based Cognitive  Therapy (MBCT). This is at least as effective as drugs or counselling for severe depression. It is so powerful that it’s now one of the preferred treatments recommended by the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence.

Professor Williams says: ‘Scientific studies have now shown that mindfulness not only prevents depression, but that it also positively affects the brain patterns underlying day-to-day anxiety, stress, depression and irritability. This means that when distressing thoughts arise, they dissolve away again more easily.

‘Other studies have shown that regular meditators see their doctors less often and spend fewer days in hospital. Memory improves,  creativity increases and reaction times become faster.’

Nor do you need to meditate for hours each day to gain these  benefits. According to Professor Williams: ‘Just 10 to 20 minutes per day of mindfulness meditation can have a significant benefit on overall mental health and wellbeing.’

Perhaps the most surprising thing about these benefits is that you can actually see them taking root in the brain. Imaging studies show that the brain lays down extra connections and tissue in areas associated with attention, memory and empathy in proportion to the hours of meditation practised. You can also see stress reactions in the brain dissolve once people begin to meditate.

Variants of MBCT are proving to be effective for treating a wide range of other mental and physical health problems. Hospitals have now started prescribing it to help patients cope with the suffering arising from a wide range of diseases such as cancer (and the side-effects of chemotherapy), heart disease, diabetes and arthritis.

It is also now used for back  problems, migraine, chronic fatigue, irritable bowel syndrome and even multiple sclerosis. Mindfulness appears to help IBS sufferers by reducing inflammation. With MS, meditation seems to promote healing while reducing such distressing symptoms as pain, pins and needles, balance problems, anxiety and depression.

Professor Lance McCraken, clinical psychologist at King’s College, London, says: ‘It has now become a vital part of our treatment  programme at Guy’s and St Thomas’ Hospitals. Mindfulness infuses everything we do.

‘Our patients tend to become very keen on it. When they have a little taste of mindfulness, and see how it can transform their lives for the better, they become very committed to meditation.’

It’s not just beneficial to adults; when applied in schools, mindfulness increases both children’s self-esteem and performance in class. This is largely because it reduces stress and enhances clarity of thought.

With all of these benefits, it’s hardly surprising that many businesses have begun offering in-house mindfulness classes. Apple and Google are the most prominent. Apple’s co-founder the late Steve Jobs was a Zen Buddhist who encouraged his employees to take up meditation.

Google offers its employees a mindfulness-based training programme called Search Inside Yourself, that aims to enhance kindness, integrity and compassion. And it’s not all about the individual: the programme’s founder says these qualities are also beneficial to the corporate bottom line.

William Bankes-Jones has experienced  all of these benefits first hand. He made a surprisingly good recovery from his 2010 para-gliding accident. When he returned to work, he began to teach mindfulness to his physiotherapy patients.

‘It can help them heal faster,’ he says simply. ‘The more at ease you are within yourself the better you heal.’

HOW TO DO IT IN FIVE EASY STEPS

 Meditation can be simple and does not require any special equipment. This meditation demonstrates the basic technique and takes just a few minutes. It should leave you profoundly relaxed.

1 – Sit erect but relaxed in a straight-backed chair with your feet flat on the floor. Or you can lie on a mat or blanket on the floor, or on your bed. Allow your arms and hands to be as relaxed as possible.

2 – Gently close your eyes and focus your awareness on the breath as it flows into and out of your body. Feel the sensations the air makes as it flows through your mouth or nose, down your throat and into your lungs. Feel the expansion and subsiding of your chest and belly as you breathe. Focus your awareness on where the sensations are strongest. Stay in contact with each in-breath and out-breath. Observe them without trying to alter them in any way or expecting anything special to happen.

3 – When your mind wanders, gently shepherd it back to the breath. Try not to criticise yourself. Minds wander. It’s what they do. The act of realising that your mind has wandered — and encouraging it to return to focus on the breath — is central to the practice of mindfulness.

4 – Your mind may or may not become calm. If it does, this may only be short-lived. It may become filled with thoughts or powerful emotions such as fear, anger, stress or love. These may also be fleeting. Whatever happens, observe without reacting or trying to change anything. Gently return your awareness back to the sensations of the breath again and again.

5 – After a few minutes, or longer if you prefer, gently open your eyes and take in your surroundings.

The post How to breathe yourself happier: This week doctors claimed meditation can beat pain and depression. I’m living proof… – Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World | Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World appeared first on METAMORPHOSIS.

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