#i am aware i have probably depression that should be treated lol. but there is nothing much i can do abt it

[thelunaticghost]

i fucking hate birthday

[luminouslumity]

THOUGHTS ON: BARBENHEIMER

Finally got the chance to see both (specifically, Barbie, Oppenheimer, and then Barbie again) and I'm glad I did! Watching them back-to-back was certainly an experience and I'm not even joking when I say they really made me think about life and all that it entails.

As someone who grew up on the old animated Barbie movies, I had a lot of fun watching the new film, especially when it came to all the doll jokes and references had me laughing more than once (Magic Earring Ken, anyone?). Kinda mad they didn't have any references to the animated movies though, or at least none that I'd noticed.

Speaking of Ken, wasn't sure about him being the villain at first, but I can see what they were trying to do and I thought it worked pretty well all things considered, that Kens have just as much of a right to live alongside the Barbies as the Barbies do them and not just in the shadows of each other. If this film is anti anything, I'd say it's anti-Patriarchy as well as anti-Matriarchy. Preachy, sure, but understandable. Really, I'm more annoyed with how this apparently went over so many people's heads even with how blatant it was; seriously, President Barbie even says the message of the film after the Kens fail, so how anyone could've misinterpreted it is beyond me! The only thing that comes to mind is when the Narrator says that the Kens will be treated just as well as women are treated in the real world, and to be fair, that statement alone can be interpreted in a lot of ways depending on certain factors, but I don't know, I feel like that should be a wake-up call more than anything.

Barbie herself was also really interesting, though throughout the film, I found myself wondering if she was meant to be the Original Barbie with an upgraded look or just a random Barbie who's basically just an amalgamation of all the others (like she says, she's what everyone else thinks of when they think of the doll). Either way, this certainly adds a whole new layer to the relationship between her and Ken because keep in mind, when the film says that Ken was created for Barbie, they mean it literally.

Going into a bit of history here, Ken Carson was created in response to the backlash Barbie was facing two years after her own creation for the horrific crime of... *checks notes* being single. Since then, Ken has had a few jobs of his own, but it's still nothing compared to Barbie's—this even becomes a joke in the Life in the Dreamhouse series, where the Ken in that series worships the ground Barbie walks on. Probably literally. This man didn't even get his own car until 2012! Then there was the whole seven-year break-up incident because Ken apparently didn't want to put a ring on it (yeah, Barbie has in-universe lore and it goes hard!) so keeping all this in mind, it's no wonder Ken seems to be as attached to Barbie as he is in the film, all while also struggling with his own identity as an individual.

Yes, I probably am looking too deep into a children's film about dolls coming into the real world. This is my life now.

The Mattel scenes were definitely one of my favorite things about the film, especially with how dedicated the CEO is when it comes to his job and how he genuinely wants what he believes is best for everyone, but my favorite part are definitely the scenes with Ruth, which absolutely had me crying! And hey, glad to see I was at least partially right! She made an appearance, just not in the scene I thought it was going to be (also, apparently the sweet old lady on the bench isn't even Barbara, it's costume designer Ann Roth).

Narrators also tend to be hit-or-miss for me, but I thought it worked really well in this film! I especially loved how self-aware the story is and how if you're going to try and make Barbie look ugly, Margot Robbie isn't the way to go. And the cutaway to Depressed Barbie? Hilarious, but now I low-key want that to be a thing lol! And just the world in general was super fun!

Honestly, if I had any complaints about the film, it would absolutely be the pacing. Sasha in particular seemed largely unnecessary and her turnaround to at least tolerating Barbie happened way too quickly, even if she did only want to help for her mom's sake. It would've been nice if the film had had at least one or two scenes where she realizes that while the Barbie brand has its issues that deserve to be addressed, it's also not as bad as what she'd originally thought it to be. And also, it would've been great to just see more of this world in general; after all, Barbie and Ken only spend time in LA for less than a day, and even then, it's only for a few hours at most.

Basically, I wish the film had been longer, but what we got was still great.

As for Oppenheimer, I never really have much to say about biopics, but I love history in general and am always fascinated when it comes to warfare and all of the ethical questions that come with it. This is also the first Nolan film I've actually watched, so I knew this was going to be an interesting time, at least. Let me start by saying that the special effects with the bomb dropping and tense silence afterwards were beautifully done and I thought the use of black-and-white for some scenes and color for others was a really nice touch too, as well as the fact that the film went beyond just WWII and that we get to see Oppenheimer deal with the guilt he'd faced afterwards. I also always forget that Einstein would've still been alive during the time most of the film takes place, so his appearance was certainly a surprise, but a pleasant one nonetheless. I was also wondering in what context the "I am become Death" line would come up, so the fact that the film actually addresses that it comes from Sanskrit rather than suggesting it originated from Oppenheimer himself was such a great detail! Overall, a great film about a very complicated man!

[lolabangtan]

Reading Stay as a sensitive person is an experience, because after you calm down from your initial reaction of a chapter, your perspective changes... It's like "Is my feeling towards this character right, or am I also just being sensitive?" :')

The hardest part about being sensitive is that your feelings are 100% justified, but your thought process can be WAY off the charts (making one even more emotional) 😭 Stay!JK being upset after realizing his gf is alone w/ her ex bf at night in her room? Absolutely understandable. Him refusing to talk to her & rolling on his assumptions because of pride and/or fear? Not.

And w/ the MC... I was mad at Ari, Tae & Jimin right along w/ her at first. Because I understood her thought process towards them, y'know? How awful to be depressed and finally take off the mask she was wearing for so long & just be her true self (even if more pessimistic at 1st) just to be treated like a charity case who desperately needs to be happy-go-lucky again or else she'll be pitied. It's like, why can't they just accept her for who she is now? But Ch 15 made me wonder.... Is that how those three really see her? Or is that how she thinks they see her? Granted, I do think a talk was long in the works about how some of their actions make her feel. But couldn't some of her anger also be a projection of her own feelings?

I should probably reread the chapter everything fell apart again, cause it's to the point where I wonder if what the trio did was actually wrong lol. Because even if it was their idea to get JK & MC together, didn't all the magic between them happen based on their terms? From the friendship that formed after the fake dating, talking out their initial miscommunication that led them to disliking eo to begin w/ on the roof, and them falling for eo. Can anyone really say that was due to the friends? No. That was all them. Shoot, I think the two being good friends would've been enough for everybody, but that wouldve never happened w/o them being roomates, so lol.

TLDR, I hope you're aware of how brilliant your writing is! Stay will go down as one of my favorite stories on tumblr. 🌻 Excited to see how this all ends!

The FACT that this ask made me tear up???

Listen, I'm not saying you all have to love the trio, you are obviously entitled to dislike them. What baffles me is that the most common reasoning behind this hatred is that they behaved like criminals? Like, yeah, the bet was ugly. They already explained how they ended up there since there was a process. They just didn't show up betting on those two banging and decided to use it as a way to actually get them together.

But, you know, people make mistakes xd your friends make mistakes! Sometimes they say something without realising it'll hurt you, and sometimes their feelings of anger and sadness get the best of them! they're human, just like you!! Let's also ignore the fact that some of you have picked Ari as the worst of all when the three of them are equally guilty as her friends

I'm a sensitive person myself. I take things to heart and find it hard to forget about them. I get upset easily when someone raises their tone even a bit when talking to me.

What did I do? I learned to be logical about it. I can't really change the way I initially react, but I am the master of my actions. I can allow myself to stop for a second and wonder 'okay, this is how I feel, but does it make sense?' Most of the time you'll see that, well, it does not.

The MC learned this through the story, now it's Jungkook's turn.

Obviously, I wanted you all to be mad at the trio at the beginning, that was the point! Because you were reading the story from her point of view. That's the fun of character development.

They had two friends who hated each other to the guts, a dynamic that affected them every day as a group, as you could see in the first chapters. And they decided to do something about it. Their mistake? Letting the 'plan' get out of hand.

How awful to be depressed and finally take off the mask she was wearing for so long & just be her true self <...> just to be treated like a charity case who desperately needs to be happy-go-lucky again or else she'll be pitied. It's like, why can't they just accept her for who she is now? But Ch 15 made me wonder... Is that how those three really see her? Or is that how she thinks they see her? Granted, I do think a talk was long in the works about how some of their actions make her feel. But couldn't some of her anger also be a projection of her own feelings?

You're so right about this, anon!! As you can see, the more Y/N feels comfortable about her new self, the less angry she's at her friends. The less reactive she is to their acts or words. Truly, even if it was totally understandable, she was projecting her own issues onto the way 'others' saw her. "Of course they're treating me like a charity case since I AM pitiable." "Of course they want me to be back at my feet since I AM no longer as interesting or happy or valid as I used to be."

And this can be applied to jungkook's insecurities too. How else would he have jumped to those conclusions about Y/N and Jin if he wasn't sure himself that he was not enough for her? I'm sad for him because feelings are scary, and there truly is nothing worse than having low self-esteem while in a loving relationship. you're your worst enemy, and it's like you're watching yourself ruin all your chances at happiness through a peephole. it's impossible to control yourself at the moment, but your brain snaps later yelling at you for all the shit you've done.

Right now it depends on him and his ability to mature if this is a 'right person, wrong time' fic or a happy ending one lmao

MC and Jungkook are missing on the beautiful bond they've built ever since they fixed things up. How, as you said, it was all their doing. That was them: the deep conversations, the kind gestures, the effort to get to understand each other. Jesus, if that's not an act of love, I don't know love then.

[hoseokslefteyebrow]

A Royal Love Story || K.NJ

Pairing : Kim Namjoon X Reader Genre : Fluff, a sprinkle of angst somewhere too Summary : Namjoon has often imagined being the prince in Cinderella, yet he never imagined that his version would have horses in it too. Wordcount: 9.3k [ A/N: Sorry for the shitty summary lol. Anyw, Enjoy!]

You're a royal staff member of your country and you're head of the royal horse care.

Namjoon is the second born prince of South Korea. 

You two aren't really meant to meet, but accidentally do when Namjoon and his family come over for the coronation of the princess of your country, Jisoo.

Unlike the rest of the royal staff members who come to greet him and his family, you aren't there.

Not because you're sick or anything, but simply because you forgot and were busy with the horses.

Namjoon meets you when he walks off into the fields of the palace, where you let the horses graze.

The first thing that catches his eye is how good the horses look.

They look a lot more healthy than the horses in his palace, he realizes.

"Hello sir, are you lost?" 

It’s the first thing you say to him.

It takes Namjoon a moment to realize that you're talking to him and a moment longer to realize that you don't know that he's a royal.

" Ah, no. I went to take a walk around the palace for a bit of fresh air." Is what he finally answers.

He sees you nod and turn back to your own business, which appears to be cleaning up horse tack in the small building near the grazing fields.

He looks at you for a moment before one of the horses in the back of the graze field spots you, and starts neighing.

At first he thinks that the horse is about to charge at him as the animal heads his way in a calm gallop.

But then he's left perplexed as he watches the horse stop near where you are standing, dragging one of his legs over the ground to get your attention.

You complain in your own native language to the horse after a moment as you come out from the tack building, tough Namjoon doesn't know what you say.

He watches in admiration as he sees how you pet the horse and how the horse reacts to you, unlike the horses in his palace, this horse looks a lot happier.

" That's a lively horse." Namjoon comments, trying to start a conversation.

" Yes, he certainly is. His name is Winter." You smile at him.

" I assume you work here?" He smiles.

You nod.

" Yes, I'm the head caretaker of the stables. I assume that you work for one of the royal families who have arrived?" 

Namjoon's breath stutters for a moment, you really didn't know.

" Yes, I'm one of the prince's advisors." He ends up telling you.

" Cool. What country are you from? I don't think I've seen you before." 

" I'm from Korea." 

He watches as you nod along to his words before your expression looks like something akeen to having forgotten something.

" That's what I forgot this morning! The royals from Korea were arriving today! Wait, that means it's the 24th! Excuse me sir, I have to go. There's a new delivery of horse tack waiting and the delivery guy can't get in without a signed paper of mine. Bye!"

And then you're sprinting away.

Namjoon blinks as he looks after your form, that was quite a meeting.

You obviously didn't recognize him, and he's happy with how relaxed you are because you think that he's also part of the staff.

He ends up going to the stables a lot more often in his time off.

He ends up learning a lot about you, and unintentionally about your horse too.

For instance, your horse is a picky horse, and only lets you ride him with little to no trouble.

The black and gray arabian horse is happy to be pet by everyone, but doesn't allow everyone in his stable and certainly not everyone on his back.

He also almost loses his sanity when he gets chased by one of the chickens of the stables and you laugh as he comes running to you while being chased by a chicken, yelling that it wants to kill him.

You laugh and pick the chicken up as she tries to run past you.

" What did you do wrong to Nugget?"

" You named it?" Is Namjoon's only response as he turns to you when he realizes the chicken is now just complaining in your arms.

You smile and nod.

He smiles back evilly.

" The name suits her, she should become a few chicken nuggets."

Namjoon's social skills with women were never really good, but this was particularly terrible, he realizes as he doesn't see you laugh at his joke.

Instead you look at him with a deadpanned expression before putting the chicken down and letting it resume it's hunt.

He does miss the tiny smile that grows on your face as Namjoon is out of sight.

The time after that when Namjoon goes to visit you, he's surprised that Chaeyoung is there too, Jisoo's younger sister.

The both of you are just smiling and talking like normal teenage girls.

You both look like typical horse girls right now while you're both brushing your own horses.

Chaeyoung spots Namjoon before he can turn away.

" Prince Namjoon? Are you looking for something?"

And you look surprised, while Namjoon starts feeling nervous.

" Ah, no. Ehm, I'm just walking by and-"

" Prince?"  You ask, obviously confused.

" Oh, right. Y/N, this is prince Kim Namjoon the second born prince from South Korea, Prince Namjoon, this is L/N Y/N. She's our head caretaker of the stables. He's one of the princes you've missed the arrival of." Chaeyoung whispers the last part to you.

" Wait- you're a prince? You told me you're the prince's advisor." You say, now very confused.

Chaeyoung gulps and starts to feel awkward, so she decides to let her horse out in the meadow to give you two space.

" Why did you lie?" You ask, you don't sound hurt, just confused.

Cause' why would he lie over something like that? It's something you're bound to find out.

" I was planning on telling you at some point, but I like the way you treat me. I don't want that to change. I feel like a normal 25 year old. I knew you didn't know who I was as soon as you spotted me that day, so I decided to just lie." Namjoon gulps, feeling like a little kid caught stealing candy.

You nod before turning your back to him, carrying on with brushing your horse.

" So, am I still allowed to call you Namjoon or do you rather have me call you your majesty?" You ask him, and he can feel the teasing edge in your voice.

He smiles and relaxes.

" So, are you going to the ball?" Namjoon asks you a few days later while the two of you are sitting in the stables at night.

You shake your head.

" No, I'm not invited." 

" Oh, and if I'd manage to get you in, would you come?" He asks hopefully.

" Probably not, sorry. I have nothing to wear to an occasion like that and that's really outside of my comfort zone." You smile a little embarrassed.

Namjoon nods, unaffected.

" And if I get you a dress? A real pretty one. And I'll stay by your side the whole night, would you then come?" He tries.

You chuckle and shake your head.

" Nope. Why are you so set on getting me there anyway?"

He bites his lip, pondering if he should tell you the truth or tell you that it's a suprise and that you could only know if you show up.

He decides to go with the truth.

" All royals are attending the first dance during the ball for the coronation. I wanted you to be my dance partner." 

He doesn't look at you while he's telling you, instead staring at the mare who's just eating hay.

You blush, touched by his answer.

" I'm sorry, and although that does sound nice. I'll just end up feeling uncomfortable at the ball anyway. But we can have your first dance of the night right here if you want?" You smile at him as you get up, holding out your hand.

Namjoon usually isn't a dancer, but he doesn't see why not, and so he takes it.

That night he really feels like a guy his age, as he dances the most random and awkward dance moves with you.

One thing was sure, you both suck at dancing.

And even tough th both of you did, the moment was still very precious for Namjoon, and though you're not aware of it, the moment is precious for you too.

The day of the ball is boring for Namjoon.

His dad, the king, tries convincing him into dancing with the Italian princess who will be present tonight, but Namjoon really doesn't want to.

He goes to visit you in the early afternoon, but you're very busy, because there will be even more people than there already were, so you were supposed to have all your chores done by the time the first guests arrive.

He decides that he'll look for you later.

The main part of the afternoon is spend with dance practice, and him trying not to step on his dance partner's toes. 

Which he does several times, but he doesn't really find it in himself to care, she was getting paid to put up with him after all.

By the end of dance practice, his instructor Hoseok is thinking about just breaking one of his legs and using that as excuse to not dance at all.

When Namjoon looks in the mirror that evening, he realizes that he's not really happy.

He's not depressed either, just not happy. 

He doesn't want to be put under all these social standards of looking good and acting good and just being perfect.

He takes a deep breath before entering the ballroom.

He ends up dancing with a random princess from China.

She is pretty, he admits. And nice too, but she's not...... You.

His breath stops for a moment when he realizes he's got a crush on you.

After the dance he excuses himself saying that he isn't feeling too well.

That's all a lie however, and he's really just going to you.

He hopes that you're still at the stables, but he's feeling disappointed when he sees all the lights turned off.

At first he thinks you're already off to bed, but then he hears hooves and he knows that you never leave the horses outside at night.

He goes to the meadow meant for riding and he's surprised to see you riding your horse without any tack.

He ends up watching you ride for a while.

Until the moment the moment is ruined and someone else approaches the meadow.

In the most chaotic way possible.

Yelling while sipping wine and barely walking on his two legs.

Namjoon feels his heart stop for a moment as Winter raises his front hooves in the air, leaning heavily on his behind legs, the horse spooked by this new stranger

He calms down when Winter's front hooves touch the ground again, and you're still seated.

" Prince James, why are you here instead of enjoying the party?" You ask, not dismounting your horse.

" Realized the pretty girl wasn't there. Decides to come look for her. Aren't I cute?~" James, one of the two princes of England, must know you to talk to you like that.

Namjoon doesn't like it.

You cannot disrespect a woman like that, that's just, wrong.

" No, you're disgusting, honestly. Please go back to the ball." You ask him, and Namjoon sees that look in your eyes and knows the meaning, you're afraid of the prince.

" I don't think I want to-"

He spots a rope halter lying on one of the fences and decides to try and help you out.

" Hello, fancy seeing you here. I assume that there are no troubles?" Namjoon rolls in smoothly, wordlessly handing you the halter.

You seem relieved at his arrival and slip off your horse, gently putting the halter on Winter.

James seems a little less pleased with Namjoon's arrival.

He mumbles out an excuse before leaving, almost falling in the bushes as he walks off.

" I thought you went to the ball?" You asked once James was out of sight.

Namjoon shrugged with a dimpled smile.

" I was, but it was boring there. Decided to come here instead." 

You smiled at his answer.

The both of you went to lead Winter back in his box and walked a little bit around the stables, just talking.

" You know, it seemed as if you knew James. Have you met him before?" He asked at some point.

You shrugged and nodded.

" Sort of. My parents used to work for his stables until I was born, the court here was impressed by how good the horses look and promised my parents a finer stay on the royal grounds, they agreed to go here instead." 

" So, you're born in England?" Namjoon asked.

" Yeah. And I used to be friends with James, but he became too spoilt." You answered.

Namjoon nodded in understanding, he knew more royals like that.

" So, are you coming to the coronation?" Namjoon asked.

You nodded with a smile.

" Of course I am, everyone is invited." 

" That's great! Than I'll probably see you there tomorrow, right?" He asked with a shy smile.

You nodded.

" Definitely."

For the first time in what felt like forever, Namjoon cared about his outfit.

He wanted to look good in front of you.

He knew he had a bad taste when it came to clothing, but luckily his younger brother Taehyung didn't, and so he decided to bother him.

" Oh, what do I owe this pleasure too, your dear royal highness." Taehyung dramatically bowed as his older brother stood in front of his door opening. 

" Stop being so dramatic, drama queen. And I need your help with something." The elder rubbed his neck and looked at the ground, feeling shy.

" Let me guess, you found out that stable girl of yours is coming to the coronation and you want to look good?" Taehyung teased with a smile.

Namjoon looked at him in suprise.

" How do you know that?"

" Know what? Your little crush on her or the reason why you're here?" Taehyung smirked.

" Both."

" Well, I'm pretty sure everyone knows about your little crush because you spent more time with her than you ever did with me or anyone else, and I knew she was coming to the coronation too and my genius brain managed to get that all together and came to a conclusion." Taehyung said proudly.

" Wow, I didn't think your two brain cells could manage." Namjoon teased him.

Taehyung let out an offended 'hey' before getting to work and going to Namjoon's closet.

Because they weren't at home, they had a limited amount to choose from, but Taehyung was determined to let his brother look handsome.

He was supposed to look good after all, especially since he wanted to impress a woman.

Meanwhile you were in your little house trying to decide on what to wear.

You too wanted to look good, your crush was also coming to the coronation and last time you checked, you were kind of unofficial dating.

You two haven't spoken in a while as other royal families had stayed over and you were busy, but you hoped he didn't forget about you just yet. ( He also works in the palace, but he's a butler.)

For some reason, you also found yourself hoping to look good in front of Namjoon.

Whenever you thought of him, you felt shy and warm.

The gentleman has certainly charmed you for sure, but you did not know him well enough to consider him as a romantic interest.

You shook your head and focused back at the task at hand.

You decided to go with a simple red dress, with thin straps and off shoulder ruffles. 

It was innocent, but sexy.

The coronation was beautiful, and you couldn't believe how your best friend was now a real queen.

" Your majesty." You curtsy with a teasing smile as she approached you.

" Aish, stop it you." She smiled as you giggled in response and hugged.

" I can't believe you're a queen now." You told her proudly.

" I know, I can't either. I'm really afraid I'll mess something up." She said honestly.

" That's understandable. I don't know the feeling of standing in your shoes, but I'm sure you'll do great. Besides, even the greatest people make mistakes sometimes. They'll just have to learn to not stand still by it." You reassured her.

" Thank you for being my best friend." She smiled.

" Also, pretty butler at 5 o' clock." She winked before slipping away.

You bit your lip nervously and turned around, happy to see him after so long.

You smiled as you spotted him and approached him.

" Hey, long time no see, huh?" You greeted him.

" Yeah, hey. Certainly a long time yeah." He smiled awkwardly back.

Was something wrong?

" I assume it's been busy in the palace?" You try to start a conversation.

" Yeah, indeed. Not like you understand." He muttered the last part.

You raised your eyebrow at his attitude.

" Is something the matter?" You asked him.

" Yeah, no.- Look, I should apologize. I know we had something, but I have a girlfriend now. And I honestly don't want to deal with you." He huffed bluntly.

Ouch. Now that's a pang in your heart.

" Oh. I'll be go-"

" Hey baby, who's this?" A woman approached the two of you, most likely his girlfriend.

" Just a horse girl." He said it as if it's a bad thing.

You couldn't believe him right now, you felt the need to cry, but refused to cry in front of him.

" You're pathetic." You chuckled while shaking your head with glossy eyes before walking off.

" Spotted her yet?" Jin whispered in his younger brother's ear as he was still searching.

" Yah! Don't scare me like that." Namjoon huffed.

" Isn't that her?" Jin asked, ignoring his complaint, while pointing to a direction.

Namjoon followed his hyung's finger to see where he was pointing, and indeed there you were.

He watched as you chuckled while shaking your head before walking away from a couple.

You looked beautiful, he didn't know just how good you looked in a dress, and coincidentally, the dress was his style too.

" Y/N!" He called, hoping to catch up with you.

" Yah! No thank you for your hyung?" Jin complaint from behind him.

" Thanks hyung!" Namjoon yelled back over his shoulder.

Jin shook his head smiling, his brother was whipped.

" Y/N, wait up!" Namjoon yelled, hoping that you heard him, but you kept walking.

" Y/N?" He asked as he finally reached you, and put a hand on your shoulder.

You jumped at the contact and turned around, only now he noticed your glossy eyes.

" Oh, Namjoon. Hey. Sorry, my head was elsewhere." You  showed his a forced smile.

" Hey, are you okay? Your eyes are glossy." Namjoon asked.

" Sorry, it's not everyday you find out that your crush turns out to be a dick." You smile bitterly.

Namjoon didn't know how to feel when hearing that.

He was obviously not the person you were talking about, because he didn't ( and would never) break your heart, but now you were sad and he didn't like that. 

On the other side of it, he now knew that there would be a free spot in your heart, and he's willing to fight for it.

" Let's take a walk. I'm here for you." He said as he wiped a tear that fell from your eye, moved a lock of your hair behind your ear before eventually taking your hand and leading you through the market whitin the palace grounds.

You told him everything.

From the part where you started gaining feelings for him, to where you two kind of had something, to where he turned out to be a dick. 

And Namjoon listened patiently to all of it.

" Honestly, I just wish that I could leave this place but I have no guarantee that I will ever get a job half this good ever again." You groaned at the end of it.

An idea clicked in his mind.

" But what if you can?" He whispered, stopping with walking.

" What?" You asked confused.

" Come with me. We have stables too, and the horses back at home don't look as happy as they are here. So I'm sure my parents will be fine with it." He suggests.

" I don't know." You think.

" Just think it through for a few days, the pay won't be as great as here and instead of a house on the castle grounds, we've got an apartment building for staff, but if you really want to leave, just come with me. I know my stables need improvement anyway."  He smiles.

" I will." You smile back at him.

After another moment of walking peacefully in silence, the two of you resume walking in the market.

You spent the next few days without Namjoon, and end up thinking a lot about what he said.

By the end of the third day, you made up your mind.

You will go with him.

Not because you're not on good terms with your ex crush anymore, but because you want to.

You want to work somewhere different, somewhere with a challenge.

And you want to stay with Namjoon.

Going with him is easier than you had expected, sure you'll have to learn the language, but finding a replacement was pretty easy as you had all the routines written down for when you were on a day off. One of your most trusted employees will take over your work, while you'll take the same position in Korea.

Your goodbyes were a little teary, but you knew that this wasn't the last time when you'd see your friends.

Your ex-crush's face was incredibly amusing to see too.

According to Namjoon, you were just as important as he is, and so you ended up in a seat on his private jet to Korea.

Winter was on another plane, but will arrive as the same time as you. ( You had to admit that you were a little unhappy with having your horse on a plane, but the drive to Korea was much longer and would be likely less comfortable for the animal anyway.)

During the plane ride, you were sat beside Namjoon in a luxe plane chair, treated as if you were royalty yourself.

Namjoon was all too happy with how you easily got along with his parents and brothers.

Once you're there, you're instantly out exploring, for the first few hours with Namjoon, and a few hours without.

You note on how bad the horses look. They look a little underfed, and unhappy too.

You're happy to know that you'll be properly taking care of them now.

The next day is directly off to work.

Where you talk with the head caretaker who's apparently very inexperienced in taking care of horses.

You're surprised that he even managed to land a job here, this high up.

Namjoon doesn't manage to talk with you for the next two weeks, as you're both pretty busy.

He's busy with classes and formal stuff, while you're busy with creating a different diets for all horses in the stables.

Some horses had too little power food, and some too much.

You have to replace a lot of horse tack too, and some horses actually need some medical treatment.

For instance, the crown prince's horse, RJ, needed quite some medical assistance. ( Which is obviously scandalous, considering it's a royal horse.)

Some of the horses the King and Queen have for guests are already too old to be riding, yet they're very high spirited, and so you choose to send them off to a horse pension.

After the second week, Namjoon tries to visit you in some of his breaks and free time, but you're still very busy.

It's around another two weeks later when things have finally calmed down for you and you visit him in his office.

The stables aren't too far off, and so you manage to locate yourself in the castle.

Though you don't really know how to go from there.

After 20 minutes of walking around aimlessly, you turn around to find someone who's able to lead the way.

" Y/N dear? Is that you?" The voice of the queen sounds from behind you.

You turn around in surprise, quickly bowing in respect before properly greeting her.

" Your majesty, how good to see you." You smile at her, talking to her as if she's an aunt of you.

" My dear, it's good to see you too. I haven't seen you in a while. Is there too much work on your shoulders to be able to breath?" She asks as she starts to stride alongside of you.

" No your majesty, things were just a bit messy but now that everything's sorted out, I can breathe again." You tell her calmly.

" Ah, I see." She smiles gently.

" How are you your majesty?  Had it busy yourself too?" You ask her.

She glances at you before answering.

" Ah, it's been a little stressful. But nothing I can't handle." She tells you honestly.

You nod along to her words.

" I can only imagine." You tell her.

" Are you busy right now?" She asks you as the two of you stop in front of a door.

" No your majesty, is there something I can do for you?" You ask her.

" Would you fancy talking to me over tea? You don't have to of course." She asks, obviously curious.

You smile and nod.

" Sure your majesty."

And so the two of you chat for another 30 minutes. Sure, you were originally going to Namjoon, but talking with his mother is certainly not bad either. Unlike the queen of your home country, Namjoon's mother is a high spirited and curious woman.

" Mother." Someone walks in and nods in greeting to the woman across from you.

"Y/N?" The same voice asks with a surprised, but gentle tone.

" Hey Joon, I was actually on my way to you before I bumped into your mother. " You smile at him.

Namjoon takes in the pleasant sight in front of him with a surprised smile. One that reaches all the way to his dimples.

It's the first time he has ever seen his mother so comfortable to be talking with another woman, not even a princess could bring her in this deep of a comfort zone.

" I assume you want to steal her away from me?" His mother smiles at him before he can actually think of a reply.

He nods.

" Yes, but I can wait if you're having fun together." He tells her.

She shakes her head with a happy smile and shoos the both of you out of the room.

" Nonsense. Have fun together."

You and Namjoon look at each other before the both of you start chuckling.

" I don't think I've ever seen my mother this comfortable around other people." He tells you with a smile.

" How so? She's a pretty fun woman." You tell him honestly.

Namjoon shrugs and holds his elbow out for you to take as he starts walking towards his office, not that you know what it means, as you are a non royal.

You walk alongside him, oblivious to the look he's giving you by not linking your arm in his.

" Not sure." He takes it upon himself to link your arm trough his.

You blush at the contact, and look puzzled at his action.

" It's a way royals usually walk together. You might've seen my parents do so before." He smiles nervously, hoping you get the hint.

He was already crushing on you, hard. But now that he sees how you get along with his family, he's sure of it. He doesn't need a princess to be happy, he needs you.

" Oh, so like this is how you'd walk with princesses and noble women?" You ask.

Namjoon wants to facepalm at your response.

" No, no- Royals walk like this with they're- You know what, nevermind, I just like to walk with you like this. Also, I don't walk like this with a lot of people." He ends up getting flustered at his own answer.

" So, how's the work at the stables going?" He asks, changing topic before you can say something about his behavior.

It works, and the two of you end up talking for the rest of the day in his office, snacking away at his secret snack stash and at some point actually having dinner there too.

" Damn, you're whipped." Are Hoseok's words the next evening.

Namjoon is currently sat with his friends ( his brothers Jin and Taehyung, the royal advisors Jimin, Yoongi and Jackson, dance teacher Hoseok and stable boy Jungkook who they grew up with)

" Yeah I know. But she only just got off an unofficial relationship, I think I need to wait before I can ask her out." Namjoon tells the rest.

" Woah, hold up, my last braincell can't understand this. Unofficial relationship?" Jungkook asks.

Namjoon nods.

" Yes, her crush turned put to be a dick-"

" Joon, I'm sorry to point it out but I get paid for it- don't cuss-" Jackson butts in.

" - they were her exact words tough." Namjoon mumbles.

" If those were her words than she'll move on pretty fast right? I mean girls cuss out their ex when they're officially done with them do they not?" Jimin wonders out loud.

" I think Joon's right, he should be patient-"

" Yoongi, do you actually know stuff about romance?-"

" Shut it brat." Yoongi cuts off Taehyung with a good natured glare.

" I can't wait to see if she stands out to the public." Jin says randomly.

All eyes turn to him, confused by his words.

" The parade is in a two weeks. Considering she's head of the stables, she'll probably be there too right. " Jin points out.

The parade which Jin was talking about is once a year every year, it's a parade in traditional style meant to not forget where the country's origin lies.

Usually Namjoon didn't really like the parade due to the old traditional music and having to sit still for hours, but if it meant that you were there too, it might be a little more bearable.

The rest of the week goes by in a wink. Everyone is mostly busy with preparations and stuff alike. You and Namjoon only have little moments in between to talk and meet up, despite living on a two minute distance. 

It isn't until two days before the parade that he has a free spot in his schedule to meet up with you. You don't have a spot free, but he's bothered you enough to know that you're usually able to talk while working.

" Hey Kook' seen Y/N around?" Namjoon asks Jungkook who's cleaning up one of the horses' their stable.

" I think we just had some stuff for the decorations on the tack in, so I think she's working with it in the tack room." He tells the elder with a smug smile before turning back to work.

And so Namjoon walks towards the tack room. While he walks by the stables, he can see the change of the horses. They look healthier, and his very own horse Koya was actually happy to see him for once ( the mare was usually in a bad mood). Winter recognized him too, and happily greeted him and both horses happily accepted the treat he had brought for them.

" Hey. Things look better here." Namjoon greets you as he walks into the tack room.

You look up from the mess you've made on the table, where an array of white, yellow, black, blue and red decorations are spread out. 

" Hey. Long time no see." You smile as you greet him with a hug.

He returns it all too easy, his nose greeted by your gentle body mist.

" So, what's this all about?" He asks, motioning to the huge amount of traditional styled tack decorations lying about.

" Decorations for the horse tack. I'm currently sorting everything out." You smile at him.

He blinks at the mess on the table.

" This is sorted out?" He asks.

" Some of it. There's the stuff for Koya by the way, the only thing missing is her norigae but I've heard that she's supposed to wear the same one as you. I was planning to go by your office to ask you for it later, but since you're here anyway...?" You tell him, pointing to the white and red tack.

" Yeah of course. Is this winter's tack?" He asks you, motioning to the yellow and black tack which is lying beside Koya's.

" Yes. I'm only missing a norigae, so I might go to the market later today." You tell him.

Namjoon's eyes shine with an idea as he hears that. Maybe he can sneakily get you to wear his custom norigae too? That way you'd both be matching in a way too.

" Hey, if you want, we can go and get the norigae right now?" He asks you, bringing his idea to life.

You look at your work in tough before nodded.

" Sure, that way Koya's tack is all complete." You smile at him as he holds out his arm to you.

This time you don't look confused, you take it.

You miss the way Jungkook's eyes widen when the two of you walk by him, you also miss the vibrant smile on Namjoon's face as he looks at Jungkook.

Instead of leading you to his office like usual, he leads you to a different part of the castle, where the royal' family's personal chambers are.

" Hey, um, are you sure that I'm allowed in here? I don't want to cause trouble." You tell him.

He nods, unlocking his door and stepping aside to let you in first.

" Yeah, it's me who you're with, so it's all cool. Also, you're allowed here always. I'll give the guards a heads up so they'll know it too. If I'm not at my office, you'll most probably find me here." He tells you as he lets go of you arm and instead laces his fingers with yours, leading the way with a gentle smile.

His quarters are bigger than your apartment in the staff building, there's a hallway, a door to the bedroom, a door to his walk in closet, a door to the bathroom and an opening to the livingroom.

" Quite a big apartment you have Joonie." You tell him as you look all over the place.

He doesn't even realize what you're saying, the only thing that reaches his ears is the nickname you've just called him by.

" Joonie?" He asks with pink ears.

You smile with a blush.

" Oh, I'm sorry, your royal highness." You tease him.

He laughs with you, and shakes his head.

" I think I like Joonie better." He winks at you before opening the door to the walk in closet, pulling you in with him.

In the room there are rows upon rows of clothing, each sectioned. There's casual, nightwear, outdoor activities, formal and traditional.

He opens one of the doors of ( what you geuss to be) a closet full with accessories.

You're not wrong, and he pulls out a wooden box with elegant carvings, putting it down on one of the dressers and opening it.

" Pick which one you think looks best by Koyas'." He tells you as he motions to the norigae in the box. Unlike the rest, there isn't a lot of it.

Koya's accessories are white and red themed, like all royal horses' are, and just to your luck, Namjoon owns one which would suit it, the design actually much the same as the Koya's actual tack.

" This one looks nice." You tell him as you point to the white and red one.

" You can take it with you, I know you're a neat person anyway." He smiles, nervous for his own question.

" Anything which you like?" He asks you, the tips of his ears turning pink once again.

You turn to look at him with wide eyes.

" What? I'm not allowed, you know?" You tell him, your eyes holding a sadness he can't explain and turning your head away from him.

" They don't need to know." He tells you softly, lifting your chin up gently.

You blush. Hard. At his actions.

You don't make a move to look at the norigae either, and so he takes it upon himself to do so.

He takes a yellow and black one and shows it to you, the decorative accessory more of an art work.

" What about this one?" He asks you.

You shake your head.

" It's too extravagant.... If you're really okay with it, can I borrow this one?" You ask him, motioning to a minimum decorated yellow one.

" Of course." He smiles as he takes that one off and the same one in black, handing both to you.

" One for your horse, and one for you." He smiles cheekily, not looking into you eyes, but instead putting both of them into your palm.

When he looks up at you again, there's a soft look in your eyes, filled with something he can't explain.

Suddenly the room's a little hot, and his hands start to feel clammy.

Were you two going to kiss?

However, he's left a little disappointed when you clear your throat, clearing the tension with it.

" I should get back to work." You say.

He snaps out of his trance and nods.

" Yeah. Same." He responds lamely.

You look at him again before making your next move.

" Thank you." You say softly as you kiss his cheek before walking away.

The small kiss on his cheek is all Namjoon can think about for the next few days, up until the day of the parade.

The day of the parade starts off hectic as per usual. 

There's Jimin and Taehyung being serious for once ( which makes them very suspicious.) There's Yoongi looking for Seokjin every five minutes, the royal advisor tired of chasing after the future king every day. And then there's Jackson who let Namjoon sleep in for a bit.

Jackson ( Namjoon's advisor) has always been able to balance everything perfectly. Today is no different. Though Namjoon wakes up fairly early, and therefore decides to start the day by himself, he does inform Jackson of where he is and what he's doing.

He knows in the back of his mind that he doesn't really need to, about everyone knows that he's at the stables if he's not in his office or private chambers.

The stables are a mess and very busy. In fact, it's so chaotic that Jungkook doesn't even realize that Namjoon's standing there, who's standing outside and readying the carriages.

It takes around 10 minutes before Jungkook actually notices the prince, who's leaning against a stable wall.

" Oh. Morning hyung. How long have you been standing there?" Jungkook greets him, bowing his head.

" Not too long. An-" 

" Y/N's at the main stables, she's was working on getting Mangs' mane braided last time I checked." Jungkook smiles at his hyung who's speechless.

" Thanks." He says puzzled.

A few minutes later he's at Mang's stable, and you appear to be working on Chimmy's braids now. There's a Bluetooth box in the corner of the stables, playing one of the many songs you've let him hear before.

In comparison to the rest of the stables, it's pretty chill here. It's just you, and a few of your coworkers, who're preparing the tack of the royal horses. Namjoon can spot the norigae you've picked out for Koya standing proud on his bearing strap.

" It seems you've got the situation under your control." Namjoon tells you, making you turn around.

At the sound of his voice, your coworkers immediately greet him with respect, and Namjoon nods his head back to each of them.

You smile and greet him with a hug.

" Yeah, we've been preparing for a week now so we didn't have to do everything last minute for a reason. How're things going in the castle?" You ask him as you move back to Chimmy, going back to braiding.

" Pretty good actually-" He's cut off by the vibrations of his own phone, and he barely excuses himself as he takes it.

" Namjoon, Where are you? I have called you six times already. Your stylist arrived ten minutes ago. Hurry up to your closet!" Jackson's voice screams trough the phone.

" Oh, um, it appears I have to go. I'll see you at the parade?" He asks.

You nod at him, and as he leaves, one of your coworkers turns to you with a silly smirk.

" So, you and prince Namjoon, huh?" He hears her teasing voice, which causes him to leave with pink ears.

The rest of the time passes by in a heartbeat, and before he knows it, he's standing in front of the castle, waving at the press and citizens.

Soon after he's with the rest of the royal family in the royal carriage, and he can see you on Winter on the side, ready to ride off with him.

He secretly wishes that you're seated right beside him, though he knows that that's for now a lot to ask.

Winter's norigae is also proudly displayed, as is yours. He's surprised at how neat Winter's posture is. The horse's head is usually held high with his ears forward, ready to explore the world. Right now his head is bent like the dressage horse he's supposed to be.

Then everyone is setting off as scheduled.

Taehyung's eyes catch someone looking rather suspicious to the side after about an hour or two.

The male was wearing all black, standing out from the colourful festive. He wasn't smiling or cheering, just stood completely still.

He looked at the figure more carefully, not wanting to create drama out of nothing.

He changed his mind as the suspicious male catches his eyes, and smirks at the prince.

He turns to Jin, who's sitting beside him, but before he's even fully turned, there's suddenly a loud bomb going off.

Everyone sets into panic, especially the horses.

Namjoon is worried about not only his people now, but especially his staff and more important to him, you.

He can only watch as the person who's driving the carriage sets the horses loose, and is left perplexed when you run after it with Winter.

And then he's demanding to get off the damn carriage because he wants to help you.

There's the distinct yelling of his title trough his mind, but he doesn't pay any mind to it. All he can focus on is helping you.

" Prince Kim Namjoon! Listen to your king and-" His father's sentence is cut off as he closes the carriage door behind him and walks off into the forest he's seen you disappear into.

He doesn't make it far into the forest before one of the guards is pulling him back to his family, who're now sitting in a bulletproof car.

"Namjoon, what are you thinking?! You've not only put yourself in danger by stepping out of the carriage but us too! Not to mention the citizens. What's wrong with you?!" His father screams at him in anger.

Seokjin and Taehyung are worried upon looking at the panicked look on their brother's face.

"She's out there."

His mother understands what's happening by hearing that sentence.

He's in love with you.

His father gets it too, and sighs before looking at his wife, both of them sharing worried glances.

His father panics, and decides that Namjoon is to stay in his chambers for the rest of the night.

Instead Namjoon sneaks out, making his way to the staff dorms. He halts at the door, not sure on which number to ring.

After all, he's never been at your place.

Luckily for him, one of the maids who just finished her shift spotted him, and asks him if she can help him.

" Any idea what Y/N L/N's house number is?" He asks her sheepishly.

She smiles and nods.

" Yes, but if you're looking for her, She's still at the stables, inspecting the horses." She tells him.

He blinks at her before thanking her and running off.

It's around 23' at night now, and the incident was around 17' in the afternoon.

Worry fills his eyes as he spots you in the stables.

You're now talking with the horses' vet, but your clothes have blood on them.

He's got no idea if it's yours or the horses, but he just hopes that it's neither.

He hears you and the vet greet each other a goodbye and rushes to your side.

" Hey, are you okay?" Is the first thing that he asks you.

You jump as you turn around, your tired eyes making contact with his.

" Woah, you scared me there. And yeah, I'm fine, just a few scratches." You wave him off, though the blood on your shirt tells him another story.

It's not seeping through dramatically, it's mostly dry, but Namjoon can't help but worry as your undershirt is matted with dirt and there's lines of blood on it too, as tough You've been cut.

" Are you sure that it doesn't hurt? We can take you to the doctor in the castle? I'm sure he won't mind-" 

" I'm fine Joon, honestly. The cuts aren't something I can't treat myself." You smile at him tiredly yet in a reassuring way, something that touches his heart.

" Thank god. Also, why're you still here? Are the horses injured?" He asks you.

You sigh and nod, walking over to Rj's stable.

" Some yeah. Especially Rj, he's always been a bad jumper, especially today when he ended up stuck on a fallen tree trunk. And it was about 19' when I had managed to get all the horses with the rest of the staff. I dismissed them all after that and decided to help the vet myself." You tell Joon as you look at the white horse who's leaning heavily on three of his legs, the fourth being stitched and bandaged.

" You didn't even eat dinner yet?" He asks, eyes wide.

You shrug and nod.

" Yeah, but it's fine, don't worry about it. Now if you don't mind, I really want to go home. So I'll be locking up the stables, if you still want to talk, feel free to come with me to my humble home." You tell him as you collect your stuff and turn towards the entrance.

He's quick to catch up to you, wordlessly taking your stuff for you.

Moments later he's stood in the kitchen, exploring your cabinets on what to make you while you're in the shower.

You've told him to make himself comfortable while you'd freshen up, but he wants to make you something so you didn't have to make yourself dinner.

However, Joon can't cook, as he has never been taught. From the three princes, only the eldest knows how to.

And so he ends up following a recipe, which doesn't turn out great either.

And so when you step out of the shower, you hurry to the kitchen due to the smell of fire.

You're very surprised to see the prince just standing there, in front of the stove, looking more confused than panicked.

He's scratching the back of his head and you hear him mumbling "Is it supposed to smell like this?"

His question is quickly answered by you hastily turning off the stove and turning on the extractor.

" You don't cook very often do you?" You ask him dryly, folding your arms over one another.

He's lowkey disappointed by his failure of being husband material, and it shows on his face.

" Sorry. I wanted to make you dinner so you wouldn't have to after such a long day." He tells you guiltily with a small pout, which turns you soft.

You smile at him due to his antics.

" That's real sweet, but I was planning on simple ramen." You tell him.

And so the two of you end up making ramen together ( as he's very set on letting you do as little as possible.)

About thirty minutes later, the two of you are seated on the sofa, each a bowl of ramen in your grasp as he's looking for a good movie, and a blanket thrown over your laps. 

The distance between you two is smaller than it's appropriate for a prince and his staff member, and you both love it.

Moments later, the two of you are done with dinner, and Namjoon watches worriedly as you sleepily blink at the screen and keep switching positions, unable to find a comfortable one.

" You know, if you're uncomfortable, you can lean on me, I don't mind."

The words leave his mouth before he can think about it twice.

No words leave your mouth before you're snuggling against him, legs thrown over the couch, folded sideways, blanket pulled up to your chin and your head resting on his shoulder.

He's only too happy with your reaction, and wraps an arm around you in response, pulling you even closer.

The two of you watch most of the unimportant movie in silence, until Namjoon hears your light snores.

The sight that greets him makes him just realize how deep in he is once again.

You're literally drooling on his shirt, yet he still finds your visuals pleasing to the eye.

He's whipped and he knows it.

He turns off the tv before moving you to the bedroom.

He really didn't plan to sleep over, but once he's dropped you off on your bed, ( literally, almost falling on top of you himself) you don't let go of him.

And so he just sleeps over, and he's happy he came in sweats and a sweater.

The next morning, you wake up without an alarm, you wake up in the prince's arms.

Which leaves you very flustered.

Because as far as you're concerned, you're supposed to take the morning shift at the stables today.

The first thing you do is check your phone, something you haven't done since you called the vet for the horses.

You're greeted by kind messages of the other staff from the stables, and they let you have a day off as you were working from 6 am to 11 pm yesterday.

And so you set on making breakfast.

Meanwhile Namjoon's slowly waking up in your room.

Luckily for him, he's off duty until around 15', and it's now about 10'.

Pleased with the time, he reaches out for you, only to realize that you're not there.

He's not really in the mood to stay lazy in bed, and so he comes to join you in the kitchen.

The sight that greets him there makes him feel fuzzy, again.

You're not even doing anything specific, just flipping pancakes while you're wearing this huge shirt and sweats, your hair pulled up in the most unorganized bun he's ever seen.

But he loves it. He really does.

" Morning." He murmurs lowly in your ear as he hugs you from behind in greeting.

You jump, but relax soon after.

" Morning sleepyhead. Slept well?" You ask him.

He smiles.

" I did but when I woke up you weren't there anymore." He pouts.

Meanwhile his parents were figuring out on what to do.

" Well, what do you suggest? Our boy is in love. And what's wrong with that? She's a nice woman." The queen tells her husband as they're talking in one of the yards, enjoying the weather.

"Of course there's nothing wrong with that, but she's a peasant. He'd be breaking tradition, and I don't want anyone using that against him, nor do I want someone to use the woman's former title against her." The king tells her.

His wife looks at him in surprise.

"You don't have anything against her?"

" Of course not honey, why would I?" The king asks her.

" You didn't really seem to like her in the carriage ride." She tells him pointedly.

"  I admit, I had to think about it, but she's indeed nice. and Namjoon's obviously in love with her." The king said with a small smile.

" Then I suggest we let it be up to him."

When Joon came back home, a fortunate surprise was waiting for him, the 'okay' of his parents.

When he heard so, he was shook, but happy out of his mind.

Soon his group of friends knew it, and not too long after, his staff too (though they lowkey were already).

Next up he started planning everything out, and with everything, I mean like too much.

He's starting to think about on how to ask you, and on what to wear, whenether to take you on a date or straight up ask you out.

It's not until a few days later that he admits his feelings.

The two of you are simply cuddled up together, doing absolutely nothing, simply talking about life and complaining about Yoongi's horse riding skills.

It's already late at night, and it only settles the mood.

It doesn't go according to plan though, instead of being cute and asking you out with a fancy sign and everything, the two are laid on the couch, you in his arms as the two of you lay saggedly against one another. And he literally goes;

" Did you know that I have the biggest crush on you?"

It's not planned, he didn't even mean to say it.

It just happened.

All you did was laugh at a really bad joke he made, and it just came out.

He blushed hard, as you now get up to face him.

" Wait, are you serious?" You ask him, eyes wide.

He swallows, and stays silent, not entirely sure on what to say. It takes him a moment before he answers.

" I, uhm, yeah. I do."

He says it so cutely you have to keep yourself from chuckling at him.

He adjusts his position, now sitting up too, except he's leaning his back against the couch.

You don't take too long to respond, instead being pretty quick.

" You mean, I could've asked you out a whole while earlier, and you would've said yes?" You ask him.

He nods, at first normally, softly, then suddenly vigorously.

" Of course I would! Have you seen yourself? You're one heck of a woman!" He exclaims.

Now it's your turn to blush.

" Okay, uhm, wait- I know this pick up line and- I think you got your pronouns wrong, instead of he/him it should be you're/mine." You pop suddenly adding to the moment.

Joon laughs at that, throwing his head back.

He bites his lip once he's calmed down again.

" I mean, I guess you're right. In a way.- Mind if I kiss you?" 

The two of you are suddenly moving fast, very fast, but neither of you are bothered.

The two of you have been good friends since a while back anyway, and this really didn't bother either of you.

You've simply waited way too long for each other either way, it appeared.

" Oh, yes. Please do-" 

You can barely finish, before he's pressing his lips to yours.

[xaykwolf]

I wanna get into some real talk for a hot sec

As a student studying for a doctorate in psychology, I run into one of the most aggravating paradoxes I think I’ll ever encounter.

We were given a survey to fill out about personal trivia for a team bonding thing (since we can’t have a group gathering like they normally do, so our online interaction options are...limited...), and it included a couple pretty deep things that I’m honestly surprised anyone fills out. There was the usual stuff like “favorite band” and “go-to karaoke song” and other weird nonsense cute info stuff. But then there was stuff like “greatest fear” and “most embarrassing moment” and like...Y’all. There’s no fucking way in hell I’m answering those truthfully.

Because you know, I can’t sit here and expect them to still see me as safe to practice psychology in any form if I were to answer “greatest fear” with “that everything I have and love will be violently ripped away from me or be shown to have never been real at all in the first place.” Like...They’d instantly be asking themselves if they should talk to me about voluntary hospitalization. Or perhaps I could answer the seemingly innocuous “most memorable achievement from childhood” with “I was surrounded by such amazing peers and was seen as a gifted child, so anything I did that could’ve been seen as praiseworthy was regarded as an expectation not an achievement” (or, even more fun, I could just say “I made it to this age despite constant passive suicidality and multiple stints of active suicidality, which to me is a fucking achievement if I’ve ever had one”).

They tell us we’re supposed to be prepared to have those kinds of hard conversations with clients, but then the system turns around and treats the very people providing such care with vicegrip standards for their own emotionality and life experiences. I can’t talk to my supervisors about how for the last week and a half, life was a grey blur where I could’ve been hit by a semi and not given a damn.

If we can’t have those conversations within the field, how the fuck are we supposed to expect to be comfortable addressing them with people with a much more limited vocabulary and (oftentimes) insight about these things?

My colleagues and supervisors all seem like well-adjusted, mostly white, cishet (except for one...we working on calibrating the gaydar on that one lol) women and two cishet man. I’m sure they all have their own issues, but like...I look at them, and I get exactly none of the vibe I get from someone who’s personally contemplated taking their own life (which is its own kind of signal and radar...). I am fully aware that some of them will have experienced their own traumas, especially statistically speaking, but there’s a difference between having a trauma and becoming traumatized by it. I certainly know I’m the only one to have experienced transphobia, and probably also homophobia. These things tend to leave marks.

And you know what? Maybe I’m wrong. But that just further demonstrates how restrictive the field is about talking about these things, if they have to put those feelings on such a lockdown that a fellow survivor can’t even feel them. I can’t hold it down that strongly, so I know I give off those vibes, if anyone’s looking to pick them up. I’m not that good of a liar. But no one does. And quite frankly, the fact that all of them let me get away with constantly answering “how are you”s with “oh you know, just tired lol” proves to me that they probably aren’t versed in the vernacular of the depressed. Either they’re too uncomfortable talking about it, or they’re not concerned in the first place. I don’t know which I’d rather it be. But it pisses me off and it worries me.

We can’t even take care of ourselves; how are we going to take care of clients?

[purplesurveys]

932

What's your favourite sport? Do you prefer to watch it or play it?: I love pro wrestling, if you count that as a sport. I definitely prefer to just stay in front of a TV – I have never been in a ring, nor am I physically fit to even give it a shot without getting harshly injured. Conversely, I love table tennis but I’d rather play it than watch a game.

Who was the last person to send you a friend request on Facebook?: It was a stranger who, upon checking, seems to be some sort of spam account promoting a pyramid scheme. Happy to nope the fuck out of there.

Have you ever been to that person's house?: Definitely not. I don’t add people I didn’t know on any level, anyway.

How recently did you wash your hands?: This morning when I cleaned up after Cooper.

How many girls do you know named Emma?: Not a common name here, so I don’t know any Emmas.

[trigger warning under this I guess. Lots of angst going on at the moment.]

Are you upset, for any reason at all?: Yeah. I’ve been feeling very upset and under stress lately...to give you an idea, I find it a personal achievement to have gotten up and taken this survey. I’m at least self-aware that this is a temporary slump, but while it’s here hanging around, it really sucks to be in it.

How did you feel when you woke up today?: Shitty. The only reason I got up at all was to feed my dogs but otherwise I’ve been glued to either the couch or my bed.

When you're stressed, what helps you to relax or calm down?: Lately, it’s episodes of Good Mythical Morning. Rhett, Link, and their crew will never have any idea just how much they’ve helped this 22 year old, now-wondering-what-her-purpose-is-in-life fresh college graduate keep sane, but I’m glad they have hours upon hours of content and podcasts lying around to keep me company while no one else can.

What were you doing before you started this survey?: I finished another survey that I abandoned yesterday, and was watching GMM to fill up the silence in my room.

Is there something else you should be doing, that's more important?: I’ve been job-hunting 24/7 but lately I’ve been giving myself a break on weekends since no one will be processing applications or booking interviews on a Saturday anyway.

When was the last time you neglected to do something that you'd planned?: Around noon today.

Is there someone that can always make you smile no matter how bad you feel?: Apparently not. I’ve been a wreck all month so far and nothing has worked. Before September, I certainly thought animals or certain humans worked as cures for me.

Do you have any friends that you feel don't fully appreciate you?: I don’t feel that way about them. I think my friends care for me a whole lot, which I appreciate. I’ve had friends come to my DMs quite a few times in the last few days with messages of support since I’ve been a little vocal about how sad I’ve been feeling these days, so I for sure don’t feel invisible. Making me feel present is the best gift anyone could give me.

When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful?: Last week when Gab came over.

Who was the last person that apologised to you?: Myself.

What were they apologising for?: Haven’t been looking out for myself recently.

Do you think they meant it?: I guess not, because I still haven’t stopped being destructive towards myself.

Would you be embarrassed if your parents looked at your Facebook?: I have them as my friends so they see everything. But I’m 22, so while they can complain about some of my posts (and it’s usually the political ones lol), they can’t tell me to take anything down anymore the same way they were able to do so when I was younger.

Describe the personality of the person you have feelings for.: She’s very warm, understanding, generous, and immeasurably protective of the people she loves.

What does your pencil case look like? What's in it?: I have a plush dog pencilcase that I use for my pens and pencils (given by my sister) and a pink pencilcase with a floral design that holds my highlighters (given by Jane).

In your Facebook friends list, who is the first person listed under 'D'?: Some girl named Abby whose surname begins with D. She was someone from my high school and we mutually know each other, but we’re not friends and we’ve never even talked.

How did you meet him/her?: I’ve never talked to her but I’ve known of her since grade school I guess? since she’s my sister’s batchmate.

Did the last person you kissed have facial hair?: No.

You're locked in a room with your ex. Any problems?: It would just be my girlfriend too so there wouldn’t be any problems, except that I’d probably break down crying upon seeing her again because I’ve barely pulled myself together over the last week and have had to go through it alone.

Be honest. What are you most afraid of?: These days I’m definitely doubting my capabilities and achievements and all the shit I’ve put on my resumé and portfolio, and now I’m scared if any company will even give me a chance. I’m honestly holding a little bit of resentment for every employed person right now because I have seen absolutely no one talk about how brutal this whole process/waiting game is, lol. This is so SHITTY, is it just difficult for me or what???? I’m so baffled.

In the last 24 hours, have you seen or spoken to anyone you dislike?: I’ve dealt with myself, but that’s it.

What colour are the eyes of the last person that told you they loved you?: Dark brown. 

What is a word or phrase that you say often?: I like saying “I guess” because it makes me sound unsure about most things and thus makes me not 100% accountable if things go wrong hah. I do have another answer that’s more in line with the angst and depression I’ve been going through recently, and it’s that I’ve repeating BoJack Horseman’s ‘piece of shit’ monologue to himself, but this time saying it to myself.

Name 3 songs that remind you of someone special.: Sparks by Coldplay; anything by Mitski; and anything by St. Vincent.

How much chocolate do you have in your house atm, if any?: We have...a lot. We still have the chocolate cake from Nina’s birthday and we recently received an entire pack of various fun-size chocolate bars like Twix, Three Musketeers, etc. from my aunt. We also have chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream that I normally would finish up in a day, but I’ve been saving it for every future job rejection I receive. 

Who is the most intelligent person you know?: Chesca.

Do you have younger siblings? If you do, are you protective of them?: Yes. I’m protective of my sister but I don’t show it lol. We are not showy in this family.

Who was the last person you insulted?: Idk probably a politician on social media.

What are the other members of your household doing at this moment?: I have not gone out of my room all day...I did not miss this sensation. It’s been a while since I’ve locked myself up for this long.

Do you have any neighbours that you don't get along with?: There’s a house behind ours that loudly plays 80s and 90s power ballads and love songs and it gets insanely irritating and makes the neighborhood feel cheap, but I keep my feelings to myself and I’ve never actually confronted them about it and asked them to stop or decrease their speaker’s volume.

How recently did you speak to the last person you kissed?: Like 30 minutes ago. I’m not very talkative these days and it was actually just the second time today that I initiated a bried conversation. I feel bad for her, and I can’t wait to get better so I can start treating her right again.

Who was the last person you told to get lost, or something similar?: I don’t usually tell this to people.

Give me a random line from the last song you listened to.: “We know better so we’d both better go.”

Have you ever had an argument with the last person you Facebook messaged?: Lots. She’s my girlfriend lol.

Do you have any plans for tonight?: I don’t know. If I feel any better, I’d practice and review for my upcoming interview this Tuesday, but if I’m not okay by then...I don’t know. I’ve stopped planning my days out recently and just go where my legs take me.

Where were you at 9 o'clock last night?: I was at the dining table trying to take a survey, but I quickly lost interest in it.

In the past week, have you slept past midday?: Kind of. Like I mentioned, Gabie’s on the night shift so I’ve been keeping her company, which means I occasionally take naps in the afternoon.

Is there anything happening tomorrow, that you're looking forward to?: No. I’m so scared of tomorrows now.

Is there anyone you used to be friends with, that you now dislike?: I dislike Athenna only because of her attitude and the way she treated Angela during the last few days of their friendship. I don’t have any personal beef with her, at least I don’t think I have. She likes stirring up shit though and I won’t be surprised if she was able to make up a story about me to get our other friends to dislike me.

What is your least favourite chocolate bar?: Eh, I’m pretty picky about chocolate bars so I have more brands that I dislike than the ones I do enjoy. I only like Reese’s, Butterfinger, Twix, and Whittaker’s. 

Do any of your friends or relatives have the same birthday as you?: Just this girl I went to grade school with named Mitch. Otherwise, April 21 babies are a rare breed apparently.

Name the last song that made you cry.: O by Coldplay.

Who do you miss at this moment?: The me from like two weeks ago lol. How far I’ve fallen.

Where is that person?: Stuck in August, I guess.

Have you ever dyed your hair an unnatural colour?: No.

Have you had any deep conversations today?: No.

Is your television on atm?: It’s not, but I have my phone playing GMM videos on YouTube to keep me company.

If it is, what are you watching?: It’s one of their product test videos.

Are you wearing anything blue?: My shirt is blue, actually.

Who were the last 5 people to make you smile?: Rhett and Link, and that’s pretty much it.

Do you use Twitter?: Sure.

Tell me about the last YouTube video you watched. They’re pitting brand name cleaning products and natural cleaning products against each other and seeing which one is more effective. I love these videos of theirs, hahaha.

Is there anything else you'd like to say?: No, I feel like I’ve grilled myself enough in this survey.

[komatsunana]

My Yuri/wlw Manga Rec List

Heeeey I’m bored so I’m making a Yuri manga/webtoon/etc recommendation post of some of my faves that are underappreciated or deserve more love. Obviously this isn’t a comprehensive of all great Yuri series out there, just some that I enjoy & think are worth reading... And have (obviously) either read or are caught up on.

All of these are available to read as online scans, but I’ll indicate if you can legally purchase it in English as well.   I’ll also indicate if they are on-going as of April 2019.

There’s a lack of yuri series that aren’t set in a high school but I’m going start with all of those first, just to get them out of the way, but this list will mostly be dedicated to college and older aged characters.

Additionally, my recommendation of these series is not my personal endorsement of everything about the series. Don’t expect any of these stories to be perfect by any standards, much less Western standards.  Additionally, I try to give warnings for some series with dark themes: that is not me giving the series a condemnation.  Just a heads up for common triggers, that I caught and remembered to warn for.

A Tropical Fish Yearns for Snow (Nettaigyo wa Yuki ni Kogareru) by Makoto Hagino

Summary:

Konatsu Amano is a high school girl who has just moved to a seaside town in Ehime Prefecture after her father is transferred overseas for his job. Lonely and unsure of her new surroundings, Konatsu finds herself gravitating towards Koyuki Honami, an older girl at her school who is popular but is seen as out of reach by her peers who view her as too perfect. Koyuki is also the sole member of the Aquarium Club, which in turn makes her feel cut off from others. In an attempt to help ease Koyuki's and her own feelings of loneliness, Konatsu befriends Koyuki and the two gradually grow closer together.

Why I think you should read it:  This is SUCH a sweet but impactful series.  At a surface level read, it’s a beautiful and enjoyable series that I’m interested in seeing where these girls’ relationship goes, but a deeper look at the series really shows the amount of thought that went into the characters and their surroundings.  Honestly [this] YT video by Zeria is why I finally started this series and covers why this is such a good worthwhile series much better than I can so I recommend watching it, if not jumping straight to reading!

Status: On-going, first English volume will be released in late 2019!!

Their Story (Tamen de Gushi) by Tan Jiu

Summary:

Tamen De Gushi manga is a slice of life manga that revolves around two high-school protagonists, Sun Jing and Qiu Tang, and how they meet and fall in love and start dating.

Why I think you should read it:  If you’ve been on tumblr long enough and follow enough queer fandom blogs you’ve probably heard of this series.  Everything you’ve seen about it is true: it’s sweet, cute, funny, and fluffy.  It also covers topics like victim blaming without derailing from something you’re reading to distract you from reality.

Status:  This one is a webtoon and currently on-going.

Pietà by Haruno Nanae

Summary:

A story about two classmates, Sahoko and Rio. Rio is depressed and self-harms due to lack of loving relationships with her "family" -- which consists of her negligent father, selfish stepmother, and stepbrother; and Sahoko quickly becomes her only comfort in life. Sahoko on her part has a frigid relationship with her otherwise loving parents, and lives with her aunt.

Why I think you should read it:  Prior to meeting, these girls dealt with mental illness and that’s what bonds them very quickly as they come to rely on each other.  I debated whether or not this series should be with the school-girl series or the adult ones, I decided to keep it with the school-girls because... they’re high school girls! Even though the girls’ school is really only ever the place they first meet, it’s the fact they are high school girls that colors their perspectives for the best and worst.  

But the reason I think it is worth reason it is that it portrays depression, self-harm, and suicide the way you think about it as a depressed high schooler but it is narratively treated with the seriousness it deserves, and to be responded to with love and compassion.  While we’ve got Rio’s parents who don’t take her mental illness seriously and compassionately enough (or at all), but there other adults who do from the very beginning.  It’s 1 volume long and despite all the trigger warnings I am about to give for the series: I promise a happy ending. 

*Warings* Self-harm, suicide attempt, forced institutionalization, parental abuse, gaslighting

Status:  Completed, not officially in English but completed online scans are available.

Kase-san by  Hiromi Takashima

Summary:

Yui Yamada, a girl who enjoys tending to her school's greenery, falls in love with the athletic Tomoka Kase. The two eventually begin dating, and the story follows the pair as they face various challenges in their relationship

Why I think you should read it:  Another one I see on tumblr a lot and, again, it’s everything you’ve been promised: cute, fun, and a natural progressing romance.  What I think is worthwhile about the series is that it’s continued into their college years, but that hasn’t automatically made them adults. They continue to deal with the same insecurities they did in high school, but even still they’ve been maturing since the start of the series and they continue to do so. 

This series is unlikely to ever delve into darker or political themes, but we need series like this - where problems don’t linger but are resolved relatively quickly without losing the character’s defining traits and flaws.

Status:  Ongoing and available to buy in English.  Also has an OVA.

Ano Musume ni Kiss to Shirayuri o (Kiss and White Lily for my Dearest Girl) by Canno

Summary:    

In middle school, Ayaka Shiramine was the perfect student: hard-working, with excellent grades and a great personality to match. As Ayaka enters high school she expects to still be on top, but one thing she didn't account for is her new classmate, the lazy yet genuine genius Yurine Kurosawa.

Why I think you should read it:  A rivals-to-lovers story, for all my rivals-to-lovers lovers out there! <3 While Shiramine and Kurosawa are definitely the protagonists of the story, roughly only 40% of the time are chapters focus on them and their relationship, as the series spends a lot of time on their many, many side characters and relationships... which are all wlw too.  Lots of different relationships explored in the side characters, including a triad that forms together wonderfully.  

A part of the series that particularly tickled me was that male characters are barely ever mentioned, if ever.  It’s entirely possible that that men do not exist in this world.

*Warning*  One romance between a student and her aunt (though the aunt is only 4 years older).  The two chapters depicting their relationship are skipable and even then it’s vague enough that you can interpret it as a family relationship imo.

Status:  Completed and available officially in English.

Bloom Into You (Yagate Kimi Ni Naru) by Nakatani Nio

Summary:

Yuu has always loved shoujo manga and awaits the day she gets a love confession that sends her heart aflutter with bubbles and blushes, and yet when a junior high classmate confesses his feelings to her...she feels nothing. Disappointed and confused, Yuu enters high school still unsure how to respond. That's when Yuu sees the beautiful student council president Nanami turn down a suitor with such maturity that she's inspired to ask her for help. But then the next person to confess to Yuu is Nanami herself.

Why I think you should read it:  What, did you really think it wouldn’t make my list (lol)?  Of course everyone should give this series a try!  I’ve been following this series for a while so I’m glad to see it blow up in popularity recently because of the anime because it really deserves it.  This series is very far from your typical straight-forward cute high school yuri romance, it’s an awkward fumbling as the girls have their first relationship and all that comes with that - including learning consent and boundaries -  in a very unusual set-up (that I’ll let you read to discover).  

Additionally, an adult relationship between two women is also portrayed, proving the usual “lesbianism is transient” is many school-girl manga wrong, but the adults tend to mentor Nanami’s also gay friend more than Yuu and Nanami (who could frankly use some adult guidance, since they can’t seek out their parents). 

Yuu reads as very aro-spec too, if that resonates with you, and I (personally) don’t think that anything in her relationship with Nanami negates those feelings.

Status:  Currently ongoing and available in English.  Anime which covers the first half of the series.

Nameless Asterism (Nanashi no Asterism) by  Kobayashi Kina

Summary:

Tsukasa, Nadeshiko, and Mikage have been inseparable since they began junior high, but Tsukasa has a secret she's been keeping from her best friends—she actually has a big crush on Nadeshiko. Not wanting to risk their friendship, she planned to keep it a secret forever, but when Tsukasa learns that Nadeshiko has a crush on Mikage, her desire to support her friends now conflicts with her own feelings. First love blossoms in unexpected ways for these three young women and their circle of friends.

Why I think you should read it:  This one is actually a junior high school one, but I’ll stick it here regardless.  But it’s a fun series, and for a love-triangle story it’s not over-wrought at all.  More than a series about love, it’s about the concept of romantic relationships at the characters’ age as well as friendship. One of the character’s in particular thinks her feelings are transient, but it’s also rather clear that they are not and she’s just scared after a bad past experience. Despite being in a love triangle that not all of them are completely aware they are in, it’s also very clear they want to keep being friends and fear losing their friendship more than anything else.

It ends prematurely so some things are left unresolved but still a fun read and I still give it a huge rec.  YMMV on the handling of one cross dressing character, especially as he takes over the story for a bit, but it’s far from the worst handling but. ya know.  Heads up, he exists.

Status:  Completed, not officially in English but completed online scans are available.

Aaaaaand that’s about it with the light-hearted (mostly) school romances.

On to college-age and working adult yuri series which don’t get nearly enough love!

It’d be great if you didn’t exist by Carbonara

Summary:

Why did she meet her ideal girl in the worst situation?

After catching her boyfriend with another woman, Han Guk-hwa promptly breaks up with him and expects to never see him again. What she didn't expect was to keep thinking about the woman who was with her ex and develop a begrudging crush on her.

Jang Mi, the crush in question, also didn't expect to see such a beautiful girl approach her and finds herself thinking that she could do so much better than the scumbag Guk-hwa was dating.

Why I think you should read it:   There’s.... a lot of reasons I could give you about why this series is worth reading.  It’s a wonderful balance between funny and a soft, tender romance between two women, even while dealing occasionally with darker themes and topics.  The characters are both well fleshed out with flaws and a rationality to their actions.  More than that: for every bad experience they had in the past which gives them insecurities about themselves and others, they are rewarded for trusting each other with a happy, loving relationship.  Inter-relationship problems (like insecurity) are resolved with communication, while their separate personal problems they share mutual support. 

BUT ALSO, I mean... it’s pretty much like that text from last night that goes:  “ I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.”  And I just.... really enjoy and appreciate it. Because it’s like: that’s it that’s the series.

*Warnings* Stalking, abuse, bullying

Status:  Another webcomic, completed at 80 chapters all available online in English

Cheerful Amnesia by  Tamamushi Oku

Summary:

Arisa wakes up in the hospital, with no memory of the last three years. When Mari, a girl who's just Arisa's type, arrives at the hospital and informs her that not only are they living together, but they're actually in a relationship, Arisa is over the moon.

Why I think you should read it:  MC has amnesia, but as the title suggests, it’s light-hearted series.  Afterall, MC wakes up to discover she has a beautiful girlfriend!  What couldn’t be better in life?  Well, there are... like sex with your girlfriend.  Wait no, that’s way too good for Arisa to handle (lol). And it just gets better for Arisa as the story plays out.

Usually the amnesic lover trope is played for the drama, but here it is only played for laughs.  A little eye-roll-y regarding some aspects and maybe even down right stupid but still cute and a fun romp if you need mindless fun. It’s a 4-koma so it’s not particularly deep, but a fun exploration of the story’s premise.  Let’s be honest: all the jokes about sex probably won’t make you laugh and probably won’t even titillate you, but you’re not here for laughs you’re here for something cute and see an adult relationship between two women get to be fun, silly, and mindless.

Status:  On-going and not officially in English but completed online scans are available.

Ultramarine (Gunjou) by  Nakamura Ching

Summary:

Out of desperation, a woman asks an old high school acquaintance to kill her abusive husband for her. The acquaintance, having long been in love with this woman, does it, and now they are on the run from the law.

Why I think you should read it:  I’m going to be honest.  This isn’t a series for everyone or even a series that most would like and that’s ok. The summary just covers the first few pages - everything devolves from there as they avoid the police and the stakes get higher - or rather, revealed to us as the readers.  Definitely not a series for a fun, quick read and I don’t rec it if you want an ideologically pure series - but the series mostly acknowledges the fucked up nature of everything going on.  If you’re interested in story where the main characters aren’t clear-cut “good” and “bad” and you don’t mind not rooting for the main characters’ romance, give it a try.  Because this is not a series about two women learning to be good to each other.

It’s a heart-wrenching read for those that read it and explores themes that aren’t often explored without being edgy for the sake of being edgy.  I think if you can stand to read this series in one sitting, you’ll be absolutely gutted and be thinking of this story for a while.  It’s a powerful read, awful in a very necessary way.

*Warnings* for rape, abuse, dub-con (between the main characters), lots of talk of suicide, infant death, death of a wlw (not main romance).

Status:  Completed, not officially in English but completed online scans are.

Lonely Wolf, Lonely Sheep by Fuka Mizutani

Summary:

Two women with the same name happens to meet each other when they're at the same hospital for the same injury. They want to become closer, but both must overcome their insecurities and self-loathing first.

Why I rec it:  Ehehe.  If you follow me, then you probably know I’m half-way to being a NANA blog.... Well this has the basic premise of NANA, with two girls with the same name (in this case first AND last) meeting under similar circumstances.  It’s a short & sweet series, but not without a lump of angst mixed in, because despite their meet-cute they’ve still got a shared loneliness and fear of rejection to contend with.  Despite that: it’s not drowning in angst and unnecessary, drawn-out melodrama.

Status:  Completed, not officially in English but completed online scans are.

Fluttering Feelings by Ssamba

Summary:

The comic follows the life of two Business University students, the average slightly immature Kim No-Rae and the beautifully captivating Baek Seol-A but equally immature, as well as their friends and family.

Why I think you should read it:  This series is a beautiful exploration of two women slowly falling in love - or rather, slowly realizing and accepting that they are in love with each other.  A lot of will they, won’t they story get stale very quickly but here the characters are so expertly explored that you understand why they aren’t kissing right now this second and it just makes you hope that one day they will and be happier.

Additionally, just because they aren’t dating doesn’t mean that they friendship doesn’t continually progress and flourish as they continue to get closer and more emotionally intimate with each other.  As their friendship gets closer, they struggle more and more to define their feelings for each other.  

Unfortunately Ssamba passed away last year, before completing the series.  So the series will likely remain forever unfinished but I think this series is so great that it’s a worthwhile read even unfinished.  I think Fluttering Feelings maybe even is a series that especially proves that unfinished series are worth reading, because for me: the ending to a story is one of the most important parts... but not for this series.  This series is all about the journey and the journey until where it left off was worth it.

Status:  Unfinished Webcomic, available online in English

Ohana Holuholu by  Shino Torin

Summary:

Maya, who works as a translator, lives with her bisexual former girlfriend, Michiru, and Michiru's son, Yuuta. Residing in the same apartment building is an actor called Nico, who drops by for a visit almost everyday, and knows about Michiru's past. Somewhat like family, and somewhat not, their lives interweave full of warm days.

Why I think you should read it:  This one is about family, at it’s core.  A found family, in particular.  I think for many like me, that’s enough of a recommendation (lol).  The rekindling of Maya and Michiru’s relationship is an important part to the story, but just as important is the fact that they have formed a family even before then.  Michiru isn’t always the best friend, roommate, lover, or even person and she definitely isn’t the best mother, but watching over her growth through the series to take responsibility for herself and for her family is incredibly rewarding.

Status:  Complete, still in the process of being translated online into English.

Collectors by Nishi Uko

Summary:

Two women in a relationship disagree about the other’s spending habits.

Why I think you should read it:   Most of this list is comprised of series that are about before the relationship begins, but Collectors is here for everyone who desires a pre-established relationship!  It’s very sweet and very obvious how much the two women love each other.  

This is the bickering couple done right - with love, especially after the initial few chapters, and it’s honestly just a form of flirting as the characters just as often find common-ground on their spending habits.  

It’s primarily 4-koma style, so not much happens story-wise but it’s well worth it just for to see their day-to-day interactions, how much they enjoy spending time with each other, and their friend’s commentary about their relationship. Also, if you’re a collector or hobbiest that compulsively buys things related to your interests... be prepared to be called out!

Status:  I thiiiiink it’s on-going - definitely the English online translations haven’t caught up as far as I can find.

The Robot Next Door (Tonari no Robot) by Nishi Uko

Summary:

In an ordinary neighborhood, a team of engineers are developing a robot they call Praha, who looks like an ordinary human high school girl. Chika, a 4-year-old girl who lives next door, meets her neighbor and learns her secret. The two girls become friends and high school classmates, and Chika teaches Hiro—as she calls Praha—about human emotions, including love.

Why I think you should read it:   Another story by Nishi Uko!!! There is a severe lack of sci-fi Yuri works!!  It’s a short and sweet feels trip as it explores the premise - a robot and human girl having feelings for each other.  While the bulk of the series takes place while both characters are in high school, I’m sticking it here with the “adult” series because it’s not about youth so much as it is about the premise.

Anyway: one of the interesting things about the series is how Praha expresses her love for Chika, which is obviously different than how humans feel ”love” because she’s a robot.  Meanwhile, Chika pines for Praha in her youth but insists that Praha’s feelings aren’t love.  She thinks their feelings for each other are “different,” which is both true and untrue.  As it is thought, robot/human love stories are often bittersweet because the premise predicates that the human will age while the robot will not.  Honestly, the ending is not bitter in the least, but it’s something that looms over you as you, the human reader, know as inevitable future.

Status:  Completed, not officially in English but completed online scans are.

Poor Poor Lips by Gotou Hayako

Summary:

Okashi Nako is a young woman living in poverty. When she applies to work at a Gem store, she learns that store owner, Otsuka Ren, is a lesbian. Ren promises that Nako's not her type, but she may be lying.... Nako takes the job and so begins a comedic tale of rich and poor, sickness and health, for better and for worse!

Why I think you should read it:  It’s a boss/employee romance but tastefully done imo - it’s been a while since I read it but I remember it fondly. It’s primarily set-up as a comedic series (another 4-koma!) but by the end the ladies *are* explicitly in a relationship, after some “will they/won’t they.”

Status:  Completed, not officially in English but completed online scans are.

Octave by Akiyama Haru

Summary:

This story revolves around 18-year-old Miyashita Yukino and her life as a former idol. As a child, Yukino had always been fascinated with TV. And before she knew it, she wanted to be one of those idols behind the screen. At 15, she entered the entertainment industry and debuted as a member of the four-person group "She'sN." However the group wasn't very successful and they broke up shortly afterwards. Returning home in disgrace, Yukino was welcomed with people's curious looks and hurtful words. Wanting to find herself, regain her pride, and perhaps experience love, Yukino decides to move back to Tokyo. There she meets a certain woman, former composer Iwai Setsuko. Together they embark on a very interesting and mysterious relationship.

Why I think you should read it:  Don’t be fooled by the simple, minimalist art... The characters are complex and each of them realistically flawed.  The series explores themes unfulfilled dreams and miscommunication and most of all: maturing into a decent person.  A lot of people are turned off of this series because the choices Yukino sometimes makes are, but it’s worth seeing her journey imo.

The series also deals with coming out not being an entirely positive experience and... it’s gutting but real and in the end says more about other people than Yukino.

Status:  Completed, not officially in English but completed online scans are.

And that’s it for now!! Let me know if you read any of these, whether or not on my recommendation or not!  Depending on if people liked this I might do another one, because I discovered a whole bunch of series while researching plus cut some from the list last minute that I still think deserve a rec!!

[thejeksburyguy]

Warning: discussion of mental health and dark topics

I know I joke about my mental health and sleep deprivation on here. Alot. I reblog a lot of nihilistic humour and put 'lol same' or 'm e' in the tags. But in all honesty, my mental and physical health as of late is... not.. the best...

I haven't slept a full eight hours in weeks. I haven't slept for more than four hours in a few days now, and it just keeps getting worse. Recently I went four days in a row without sleeping at all, and I'm fairly certain I started hallucinating a bit before my body just hit the emergency brakes, and even then I only slept for two hours, maybe three. I might be starting to hallucinate again, actually, but I'm choosing to ignore that.

My depression has made a violent comeback, and my appetite is starting to go as well. If it weren't for someone very close to me (who I'm just going to refer to as Hyde from now on), I probably wouldn't be eating, but he pushes me to take care of myself and won't take 'I'm not hungry' for an answer. I haven't weighed myself (I'm actively avoiding looking or even touching a scale, I do NOT need to trigger my ED into waking up, I have enough on my plate (haha w o o p s) as it is), but I've probably started losing weight again.

Thoughts of self-harm and suicide are returning. It's getting harder everyday to ignore them. I have so much work to do, from school, from my parents, I haven't even had holiday breaks off because one of my teachers keeps assigning work over the holidays. Everyday more work gets added to the pile, and I'm struggling to keep up, but reaching out for help is pointless; half of my teachers treat me like I'm a burden on their life, and the other half I don't want to bother because my own mental illnesses prevent me from seeking help.

It's one of those 'it feels easier to just swim down' situations. I just want to hit the bottom and breathe out and drown. It really doesn't help that my mother completely ignored the doctor's orders and warnings and has not only made me aware of where my pills are, but has given me full access to them and trusts me to take them myself. It's tempting to overdose. It really is. And I'm scared, because I don't know how much longer I can hold out before my brain wins. Hyde helps alot, but he can only do so much.

I guess I'm writing this to clear my mind? Or maybe it's because, if I do go through with it one day, I don't want you all to wonder where I am. I don't intend this as a suicide note, not at all, and for now I'm not giving in, but it's hard. I'm honestly not sure if I'll survive finals week, heh heh. I know I've had public mental breakdowns in the past on here, but I haven't been 100% honest about how bad it is.

I have had 3 suicide attempts, only one of which my parents know about, and even then believe it was just me 'thinking about it'.

I have thoughts of killing myself and self-harming everyday, without fail.

I have high-functioning depression. Most of the people I interact with either have no idea I'm depressed, or don't know just how bad it is.

I have a lot of undiagnosed problems, things I believe are serious and need to be addressed, but as a teenager I can't do that myself.

It's 3:17 am right now. I should really go to sleep. I can't. My body won't let me, and the few times I do I have horrific night terrors. I'm afraid I'm going crazy. I know I make alot of connections between myself and TGS Jekyll, but I'm not trying to be memey or clever when I say I am genuinely terrified of being locked up in an insane asylum. My mother has already threatened to send me to one, not because of my mental health, but as a punishment or to 'scare me straight' due to a fight we had. I feel like I can't be honest with any of the adults in my personal life or I'll be strapped in a straitjacket and thrown into a padded cell. I'm probably wrong, but this is genuinely what I think of when I think 'insane asylum':

I know I probably should be in one. I'm a danger to myself, and most likely to others as well. I have a lot of tendencies and urges I suppress (alongside with my queerness; I'm openly queer on here and with friends at school, but most of it is either forced flamboyance or, when around other people, suppressing it and pretending to be cishet), most of which I know for a fact are a one way ticket to the loving embrace of medical torture. But I can't get into detail about it or ask for help or I'll be seen as attention seeking, faking it, or trying to be Edgy.

My therapist is incredibly sweet, but I'm not honest with her. I keep a lot from her. I feel like I'm burdening her, or she'll judge me. She won't, she's made it clear she cares about me, truly, but my brain won't let me progress and get the help I need. This meme I made pretty much sums up my life in one image:

I don't know why I'm even making this post anymore. I feel so manipulative, like I'm begging for pity and attention. I don't want that; I'd almost prefer getting anons telling me to shut up and kill myself, heh heh! At least then I wouldn't feel like I'm emotionally damaging people who care about me.

I sincerely hate myself for making this post now, actually. I want to delete it all, but I've spent so much time on it, it'd be wasted if I didn't post it. I can't afford to waste time, my brain might actually short circuit if it realizes I wasted time I could have been using to work. What is relaxing or free time, heh heh heh.

...I think I'm going to go cry to Hyde now.

[dailydoseofbeautiful-image]

1) IT’S OKAY TO FAIL

I’m not sure how other 34 year olds feel when their 35th birthday is coming up. As for me, I felt like my failures grew more apparent. Celebrate what you HAVE accomplished and be grateful for another day.

2) CRAVE TO BE A BEGINNER AGAIN

I’ve been wanting to try something new for a good minute. Like point number one, it’s okay to fail at something! This goes hand in hand with being a beginner. I strongly believe in being a student of life. I always wanted to learn a new language.

3) LOVE YOUR PARENTS

We are often so busy growing up, we often forget they are also growing old! If you needed a reminder to call your parents, this is it. Do it now! My mom is my world. She was my worst enemy as a teenager but now my best friend as an adult <3

4) MOVE AT YOUR OWN PACE

Fuck what everyone is doing on Instagram. Fuck what your high school friends are doing. Fuck what your college friends are doing. Live your life at your own pace. If you had kids or want kids before marriage, fuck it. If you chose your career before a man, FUCK IT. You will move at the pace that is meant for YOU.

5) SO LIVE THE LIFE AND TAKE EVERY CHANCE TO BE AS HAPPY AS YOU CAN BE..

Being true to yourself takes guts. First, you’ve got to face everything around you and figure out what is important; what you think really counts ;). second, you’ve got to interact with a lot of people who may see things differently.

6) RELATIONSHIPS

No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater... The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. and that’s the key. it’s like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot.

7) SOULMATE

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah.. too painful. soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then Leave.

8) 30S ARE BETTER THAN YOUR 20S

It’s the same! Except we’re still young enough to have fun without making dumb decisions. We’re also more mindful financially! We always have experienced and seen things and know what not to repeat. I feel a little more at ease at 30. I’m caring less about what other people think. I really don’t have energy for it anymore!

9) WEAR THE FUCKING SUNSCREEN

My mom always told me to wear sunscreen on my face. I never listened. I have a lot of sunspots on my face now! Wearing sunscreen helps protect you from skin cancer, wrinkles and sunspots/freckles. If you aren’t listening to ya mama, listen to me! lol I wear Glossier’s Invisible Shield, but they’ve been sold out for a good minute. So, I’m currently using Super Goop’s Sunscreen Moisturizer. So far, it hasn’t made me break out!

10) TAKE OFF YOUR MAKE UP BEFORE BED

At the very least, keep some make up removal wipes beside your bed! I know we’re tired af at the end of the night, but you’ll be doing your skin a huge favor in the long run. Just know that make up wipes don’t take off everything, you’d be surprised how much is still on your face! So always try to go further and do your skin care routine.

11) LIFE

This Life is what you make it. no matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes. it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girl’s will be your Friends - they’ll act like it anyways. but just remember, some come, some go. the ones that stay with you through everything- they’re your true best friends. don’t let go of them. As for Lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And i hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if yoi give up, you’ll never find your soulmate, you’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will? so keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.

12) GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT

Everyone on social media posts their highlight reels but only a few share the grit and grind behind it all. Don’t forget to give yourself credit even for the smallest things that you don’t think is “post worthy”. Pat yourself on the back!

13) BE MORE SELF AWARE OF HOW YOU REACT TO OTHERS

I strongly believe in the butterfly effect. How you treat others can leave a positive or negative effect on them. I always try my best to be kind to others. If I can’t be kind, I’m very quiet! Even if people are mean to me, I think deeper like are they having a bad day? Maybe my kind act can help them change their mood.

14) BE NICE AND EXPECT NOTHING IN RETURN

Best recipe to live by. So many people offer a lending hand but expect so much in return.

15) DON’T FORCE THINGS – LET IT FLOW ORGANICALLY

Someone who forces shit to happen is ignorant & aggressive. You can’t force relationships or friendships to work out. It doesn’t work that way if it’s ONE SIDED. Sometimes, TIME helps a situation out. Let it play out, what’s destined to be yours will be yours!!! All relationships should be bloomed organically. Always try to understand one another. Some people don’t move like you and that’s okay.

16) YOU DON’T TOLERATE PEOPLE OR SITUATIONS LIKE YOU USED TO

Enough said. Ain’t no body got time for that.

17) IT’S NORMAL TO SEE A THERAPIST

You don’t have to be “crazy” to see a therapist. I did and it was life changing. There’s a huge stigma with mental health, but it’s actually more common than people think. People struggle with it daily but hide it because of the stigma. I also found out that students who are trying to become a therapist offer free or very affordable services to those who don’t have insurance! Check out any college and I’m sure you’ll find something fitting!

18) MEDITATE.. DO THAT SHIT PLS

Practice your breathing too! Headspace is really helpful app that concentrates on various subjects: anxiety, depression, stress, etc. I don’t meditate long! It can be as little as 3 minutes. Taking a moment to find yourself again can help you in the long run.

19) NOW’S THE TIME TO SEE THE WORLD

BITCH, you better be planning to travel!!!!! I can’t emphasize this enough. If you’re a woman reading this, we MUST DO IT NOW. Before you have kids, just do yourself this favor. You won’t regret it. Seeing parts of the world has broaden my perspective immensely!

20) MARI KONDO THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR LIFE: CLOTHES, BOOKS…PEOPLE

I’m at this point in my life where I’m looking at everything and everyONE and ask myself, does this spark joy?! It’s completely necessary for you to start fresh and say thank you to things and people who no longer serve a purpose in your life.

21) IF YOU DON’T HEAL WHAT HURT YOU, YOU WILL BLEED ON PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T CUT YOU (@THEASLAYWAY)

You can’t rely on someone else to fill the void you were supposed to heal yourself first. Don’t be selfish and make sure that you are completed healed when moving on to the next partner!

22) DO WHAT YOU WANT, POST WHAT YOU WANT, LIVE HOW YOU WANT!!!!

WE AINT GIVIN A FUCK IN 2019 & MOVING FORWARD. Go ahead and post what you want. We’re not living for the validation of others.

23) DON’T LIVE SOMEONE ELSE’S DREAM

Currently trying to get through this right now. lol

24) MENTAL HEALTH IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR PHYSICAL HEALTH

This goes with 17 & 18. If I sound like I’m repeating myself, then it’s because I really am adamant about it! I didn’t always have GAD, but when I realized I had it, I learned to take the necessary steps to control my anxiety. I realized working out in the gym is not the only “exercising” I should be doing. I should be practicing affirmation, gratitude & meditation.

25) BE CAREFUL WHO YOU GET CLOSE TO

Some people really just in it for the gossip. Keep your circle tight and you’ll be aiite. For me, being in the social media industry has led me to meet several people. It’s rare to meet someone genuine, so I always make sure I keep my distance but still always show respect and give them an opportunity to open up.

26) OTHER PEOPLE MAY BE TOXIC IN YOUR LIFE, BUT MAKE SURE YOU’RE NOT THE TOXIC ONE

As you get older, accountability will help you grow. Owning up to your actions towards others can help you realize how you react towards others or situations. Before pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. I’m a strong believer of what you give this world is gonna come back to you.

27) PLEASE DON’T WORK OUT ON ONLY BOOTY AND ABS

I remember signing up for the gym and telling the membership counselor my goal was to grow a bigger butt and get abs. I’ve learned that your body works as a whole unit, not in isolation! Overall strength over aesthetic is the wave! I love being strong <3

28) RESEARCH HOW YOU CAN IDENTIFY PERSONALITY DISORDERS

You’ll come across people in your life that you can’t see eye to eye with. It could be family, your partner or your friends. I think it’s important to grasp a better understanding of personality traits/disorders such as narcissism, bipolar, emotional abusers, psychopaths, etc. They come or are in your life more often than you think! Not only do I suggest to gain insight on it, but also I recommend researching how to DEAL with it. I promise you things will come to light once you do.

29) LOVE YOURSELF – YOU CAN’T SERVE FROM AN EMPTY VESSEL

Your 20s are your selfish years. Remember to put yourself FIRST. We cannot love someone successfully without loving ourselves first. Our first love should be ourselves to know how WE want to be loved. We must feel secure before stepping into anything serious. Live life for yourself, be gracious and love yourself wholeheartedly.

30) BEFORE YOU ARGUE

Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is that person even mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of different perspectives? Because if not, there’s absolutely no point.

31) NEVER TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

never take responsibility for ppl not seing your worth. There was nothing u could have changed them. No perfection would have made them loyal. No sacrifice would have them made committed. Stop taking blame for decisions that aren't yours

32) Success is never owned.. it’s rented, and the rent is due everyday. -pacman

33) SOMETIMES

I care too much, I trust too much, I think too much, I love too much, everything about me is just too much. But even so I wouldn’t want to change that about me. Just holding onto the hope that one day my “too much” will be everything someone could ever want.

34) FROM GOOD THINGS TO BAD THINGS

From good things, we learn to be a thankful person. From bad things, we learn to be a strong person. Remember that everything will not go the way you want it to. It's a matter of learning that life isn't handed to you. Stop worrying about what others want. Think about what you want, if you listen too much to what people say about you, you will never be who you really are.

[thecaffeinebookwarrior]

Depicting Black Characters:  A Writer’s Masterpost

I’m often asked for tips on how to respectfully depict Black people, or how to write from their point of view.  Because something about my marshmallow complexion evidently screams that I’m a jackpot of insider information on Black culture.

However, I appreciate that my followers want to learn -- that’s something we all need to do!  So I decided the time has come to compile a masterpost on sources from real Black people, so you can get your information right from the source.

More to come, and happy writing!

Literature

25 Amazing Books by African-American Writers

10 Must-Read Books by Iconic Black Authors

12 Unputdownable Books by Black Authors

15 Black Writers We Should All be Reading

Websites

Black Enterprise  -- a website for Black entrepreneurship.  

For Harriet -- an online community celebrating Black women through history and storytelling.

Tea & Breakfast -- a Black-focused website bringing you the latest in news and entertainment. 

Ebony -- a highly respected resource for Black news, entertainment, and lifestyle content.

Clutch Magazine -- a mixture of news and editorial pieces.  

Racism

7 Things Black People Want Their Well-Meaning White Friends to Know

100 Ways White People Can Make Life Less Frustrating For People of Color

This is What it Feels Like to be Black in White Spaces

Growing Up Black in America

Blogs

@writingwithcolor 

@vintageblackglamour 

@ofanotherfashion 

@blackhistoryeveryday

@blackwomenworldhistory

@ukblackhistory

@blackhistoryseries

@blackhistoryarthistory-blog

Tips From Followers

I’m inviting all my Black followers to offer tips on authentic, respectful depictions of Black characters and culture.  If you have something you’d like non-Black authors to know, please message me and chime in!

Anonymous said:

I'm mixed race- black and white, and I think its important to mention the cultural closeness; a lot of black mothers are very overprotective, and restricting. Hair is important. A lot of my childhood memories had to do with my mom braiding my hair, or straightening it.

Anonymous said:

Here’s a bit too much information about me, which I’d very much appreciate if you kept anonymous: I am an Afro Latina, my grandma moved from Honduras to Ny when she was 15 and so my entire dad’s half of the family speaks Spanish (except me and my cousins lol). They’re all dark-medium skin like me, so when they speak Spanish it tends to surprise ppl, but they take pride in that. My dad grew up in Harlem during the crack epidemic and he saw a lot of people die, including his cousin who was shot in the head in front of him when he was about 8. He has a lot of unchecked mental problems bc of this and tends to lash out when he’s frustrated, tired, or guilty. His dad was also a rolling stone and unsupportive, so my dad tries very hard to be a better, more supportive father for better or worse. 

 My father met my mother when they were in college through a mutual friend. They were together for a year before they had me. They never got married. My mother’s family is what we’d call a bit bougie, so they didn’t take too kindly to this. They never outright disowned her, but a lot of the time they treat her like a black sheep. They’re a very “whisper-behind-your-back, never-confront-until-ur-drunk at-the-family-reunion” family. My mom and dad were together on and off for 23 years. Whenever my dad hurt my mom (never physically but still) and she had the means to, she would take me in the middle of the night and run to a shelter or friend. This happened about 5 times, each time my mother came back after about a half a year. 

 I have anxiety depression and add but great empathy, so a lot of the time I can understand what people are feeling but not why (basically I have no self awareness). I am an English senior that lives on tumblr. I am also very reserved but I’d like think I’m kind, if a tad childish. I love rpgs, marvel, and making characters but I have perpetual writers block. I also draw all over my notebooks. I’m not good with my hair though (an offense) and I used to be called an Oreo (white on the inside) in school, but I’m really just have always been a huge nerd. 

I also have a baby brother who I love and pick on constantly even if I’m at a dorm. I’m very protective over him and we’re nine years apart so I tend to feel equal parts caretaker and big sister. I am very close to my family, especially my mom, who I talk to almost every day. I am always tired, sometimes to the point of not eating at all, even as I write this I am in bed. However, I love shopping and walking to seven different stores around town, even just to window shop, is how I spend some days off. Like my mom’s half, I’m pretty non-confrontational, but I’m quiet and don’t like to gossip, so my friends and family tend to confide in me a lot. But I’m pretty closed off, so I don’t tend to share myself. I am bisexual but I don’t want to talk about that, bc I’m still not sure. I don’t like to touch people or have people touch me unless I’m close to them.   

 My half sister is also bisexual, as well as a preschool teacher and a single mom with two adorable girls. I don’t get to see them often bc we always lived in different states. She is a very sweet lady but is very no nonsense, and will be the first to step up if someone’s in trouble. I also have a half brother, who is mildly autistic. We live in different states too, but I never see him because my father didn’t treat him right when we were younger, bc he was “soft”. He is currently living with his mom and writing a GOT-esque epic, which he is excited to tell people about.

@trappedinfairytales said:

A Writing Account From a POC

Loving to read is a bit of a double edged sword. I love the stories, the worlds they depict, and most of all, the characters. But sometimes, I find myself disappointed that most of my favorite characters in my favorite novels are not POC (person/people of color). And if they are, they are depicted as stereotypes. And as a POC and a writer, there are ways to change that. Here are a few tips.

POC are FRIENDS, not FOOD

Now I love chocolate. I love coffee. However, if I read someone describing my skin color as the color of a cappuccino, I wouldn’t be to thrilled. Saying, “Her skin was like sweet milk chocolate, the kind you remember begging your mom for through a candy store window.” I imagine would be the equivalent of saying, “Her skin was so milky white, I could imagine dipping an oreo into it.” Ew.

Not all African Americans live in the poorest part of the city

Not all African Americans are poor and underprivileged. Some of us have gone to private schools, have parents with well off jobs, and live pretty comfortably. That being said, that is not the case for all of us. So if you want to depict your character that way, just make sure you do it respectfully, and not in a way that you would cringe reading at it you were in their place.

Don’t take advantage of our history 

African American history is filled with hatred and oppression. That does NOT MEAN THAT IT CAN BE EXPLOITED FOR A STORY. By all means, mention how awful it was, but do not use it to make other characters and or readers feel sorry for your character. We may want you to feel sorry, but more than anything we want you to understand that what happened was horrible and that it isn’t okay to use it any way you want.

So, yeah. Just respect POC. Even though you probably can’t imagine being in our position, be sympathetic, the same way you would want to be treated if you were being stereotyped.

If you have any other questions about depicting POC’s and want to ask a writer who is POC, I’m happy to help! @trappedinfairytales

[vaguely-concerned]

Let’s Read Victory of Eagles; the Prepare to Cry About William Laurence Edition

earlier temeraire let’s reads (yes I’m sticking with it)

- oh man starting with temeraire’s pov is such a good call, I don’t know if I could take getting plunged straight into laurence’s misery without some (very slight) levity first 

- lol and also crey @ laurence gently reminding these young guys how to keep him prisoner 

- temeraire on his way to revolutionize dragon politics after one damn month... I’m so proud ;___; on the other hand him thinking laurence is dead is... nope not processing this laurence is fine let’s not worry about it

- SURPRISE THARKAY! BEST KIND OF SURPRISE 

looool he just keeps coming to get laurence and finding him embroiled in some fresh catastrophe... I’m sorry ur bro is in another castle/war camp/ship wreck/prison tharkay you’re a champ for tracking him down again and again

- He has a new birb!!! good stuff. this part of them walking through the quiet ruined town is really striking too

- laurence feels like he can be just himself for the first time in months huh... cool cool cool

- “You and Temeraire would be welcome in other parts of the world. You may recall there is some semblance of civilization,” he added dryly, “in a few places, beyond the borders of England.”

fsdakhfdasdfsaflj a) I love him so much b) I  g u e s s  Tharkay kind of just asked Laurence to run away with him in his low-key sardonic way... super triple extra cool cool cool extremely admirable even if he and everyone else in the world knows it to be doomed 

resting his hand on his shoulder because he knows Laurence is gonna be Laurence about this... yeah okay just punch me in the heart

- tfw the guy you sort of have a thing for is determined to get himself killed for a government you feel exactly zero personal loyalty to and now you have to watch his back 🙄

- lol laurence is like ‘I’m not gonna start a fistfight’ 

five minutes later: granby pulls laurence out of a fistfight he started because someone talked shit about his dragon

- aw demane and sipho! good boys bein’ good boys 

- temeraire reciting principia mathematica to himself and changing his voice so he can pretend it’s laurence reading to him... that is under the belt naomi novik that is just mean

(all the funnier/more heartbreaking for knowing laurence has no fucking idea what he’s reading out loud when it comes to that book and would never have touched it if temeraire didn’t love it so much)

- “Oh,” Temeraire said, and sat back on his haunches. He was not quite sure what to say. “I am very sorry?” he offered, uncertainly. He supposed it must be very unpleasant to be a coward.

fjfjghfgj how is he so darling

- tbh perscitia is very much me when it comes to fighting; I too am small and slow and cripplingly overly aware of all the ways things can go wrong which everyone seems happy to overlook

- as a professional tharkay spotter: he is in fact present in the proceedings right now, he arrived at the same time as granby and had one (1) line of dialogue! I am not sure why everyone’s talking about this napoleon fella instead of specifying to me what precise dragon he hitched a ride with or what kind of babysitter arrangement he has put in place for his birb but y’know I’ll take what I can get

(there is a peculiar sort of satisfaction in getting reeeeaaal attached to a side character; this reminds me a lot of being nine and scrupulously scanning every page of a harry potter book for mentions of sirius, no matter how peripheral or inconsequential) 

- all of temeraire’s dragons are pure gold tbh, I especially like majestatis and his laconic competency (I may have a type)

- temeraire not getting why laurence isn’t responding to him quite as he should and laurence basically getting his affairs in order... William Laurence if you break both our hearts I will never fucking forgive you this is my stern voice

- adding a second (and tonally very different) pov is such a genius move at this point in the story; it really breathes new life into everything. 

- lady allendale is the real mvp, you can really see a lot of laurence’s good sides in a straight line from her to him

- oooooooooooooooooooooh roland dropping some truth bombs on laurence for being so very very honorable and so very very dumb

thank you jane I guess at least he’s pretty

- having to read laurence trying to convince all the people who love him to basically let him kill himself is extremely upsetting and I Do Not Care for it

- temeraire absent-mindedly putting ‘coming up with some way to let laurence live as long as me’ on his ‘to do’ list is Everything

but also he doesn’t even realize how wrong things are with his captain and I want to curl up in a ball. no bb no one is going to take him but he’s halfway through taking himself out :(

(I will say that there’s something about laurence’s incredible inflexibility and self loathing that is very relatable, which is probably why I’m so mad at him and also so scared for him. incidentally one of hanzo’s traits I really identify with. anyway onwards)

- ah of course granby was kidnapped I was wondering when something bad would happen to him in this book

- “You are not obliged -- ” Laurence began.

“No,” Tharkay agreed civilly, with one raised brow, and Laurence bowed and left it there. 

fdsfdklsalkjhfkjasdhfjkadshdsfhksdfjakh how... how can anyone be so impossibly lovely and so sarcastic in one word... my heart feels so full

but also ow b/c I think tharkay does see the state laurence is in and it must be extremely stressful to look out for all the swords your bro is determined to throw himself on 

- oF ALL THE DOORSTEPS IN ALL OF LONDON THEY HAD TO END UP AT LAURENCE’S EX’S how many mirrors has this poor man broken to end up here 

- oh uh wow I think I just murdered woolvey’s shitty racist ass with my mind I never even knew I had the power

- Tharkay seeming to suss out the whole Situation here at a glance... *prayer hands emoji*

-  Tharkay shook his head, and when Laurence looked at him said quietly: “It must be difficult to follow an officer of public repute, in the affections of a woman who loves courage.”

...

“My reputation is hardly one any sensible man would covet.”

“It does not name you a coward,” Tharkay said. “Whatever has Bertram Woolvey done?”

as observed completely impartially except for that one awful enormous crush he is developing lol

- oh no... woolvey died... this is... terrible.... *insert ‘shocked’ captain kirk reaction image here*

okay it does put edith in a genuinely awful situation, which super sucks. everything around her is like the one part of laurence’s self loathing that is sort of justified: he’s been making her life so much harder for so long. first she had to worry about her not-even-husband-yet getting lost at sea and he seems pretty emotionally distant, for all that he can be sweet, then he adopts a dragon and she is SUCH AN AFTERTHOUGHT to him in that process (because, as I have discussed earlier, william laurence should just not ask people to marry him b/c he never. actually. means. it. he just thinks he should I think)

and then, after finally disentangling herself emotionally from that she manages to marry a dude who’s a twit, but a twit who by all appearances treats her well and she’s happy -- and then Laurence shows up for three fucking hours and her HUSBAND IS SHOT DEAD 

most of laurence’s guilt is the useless self-flagellation of depression, but in this one case I’m a bit more ‘yeah okay valid bro’

- Laurence’s tendency to describe, in minute detail, what some dude is wearing even under the most dire of circumstances is so endearing. (also he barely ever does it with women; usually it’s like ‘and she was wearing idk a dress?’ lol)

- laurence’s superpower is inspiring people’s affection and loyalty and then wondering why they’re all not cool with him throwing himself off a cliff

- is tharkay like basically a scottish lord on his dad’s side and has been fucked over by either the system or the rest of his family. are you fucking kidding me jfksadflsadfj

- oh. oh okay that’s the king that’s super extra salt in the wound for our golden boy :I

- NOOOOOOOOOOO TEMERAIRE THINKS LAURENCE MIGHT BE ANGRY WITH HIM!!!!!! LAURENCE YOU BEAUTIFUL USELESS DUMBASS PLEASE SNAP OUT OF YOUR DEPRESSION LONG ENOUGH TO TELL YOUR DRAGON SON YOU’RE NOT ANGRY WITH HIM OR SO HELP ME I’LL... CRY AT YOU I GUESS

- okay so this is all very bleak and... borderline war crime-y and laurence is clearly In A Bad Way but also demane has just put every scrap of clothing he could find on his little brother, who now can barely walk for all the layers but is presumably nice and warm, and my heart is doing strange things in my chest

- “Laurence, what are you doing?” 

*ELMO SURROUNDED IN FLAMES GIF* MY BOY THARKAY BEING THE REAL MVP ASKING THE REAL QUESTIONS

this whole scene is so brief but so good fkdslahfaklsdhfaskld laurence literally slipping back out of dissociation and noticing the smells and sounds around him again... this is So Much, tharkay you fucking miracle of a man  

- there is something incredibly interesting about how laurence is just viscerally terrified by the things tharkay seems to represent to him -- that’s at least twice now that he’s thought straight out, in pretty much the same words, that tharkay’s way of living seems achingly lonely and untethered and frightening to him. (the first time is in black powder war, just as he’s about to give the offer of friendship that tharkay seems equal parts confused and touched by lol) laurence has this intense need to be part of something bigger than himself and doesn’t trust himself to know what’s right (...even tho he’ll historically still occasionally go off and do The Right Thing despite orders anyway because he’s a beautiful idiot), while tharkay obviously puts freedom and autonomy faaaar above any of that (understandably, from his background lol) 

and still it’s exactly this dude who woke laurence up to himself again and reminded him who he really is. this is the man he knew he’d be ‘sorrier to lose than yet I know’ and gooooddamn if he wasn’t right about that. I’m not ready to be coherent about it yet but uh wow this is A Lot

- the way novik writes laurence dissociating is. a bit too close to home, I’m not thrilled about this haha 

- LAURENCE IS TALKING TO HIS DRAGON SON AGAIN AND I CAN FINALLY BREATHE THANK YOU THARKAY

- also let me specify that tharkay coming in and ending laurence’s breakdown by just showing him that he, y’know. doesn’t have to commit borderline war crimes if he doesn’t want to is... yeah. when he’s like ‘yeah no bro I like you and all but this is fucked up I’m out’ and Laurence slowly puts the pieces together and goes ‘...that... is an option? F U C K’  is the Good Stuff (I’m being flippant about it but also I really mean it lol)  

- temeraire is giving the french uniforms the side eye for being boring and admiring the kilts... god bless him, focusing on the real things on the eve of battle

- gOD lien is so fucking COOL, celestial who actually knows wtf she’s doing OP pls nerf

ETA: also I’ve looked up some spoilers for the rest of this series (b/c there’s a couple of characters now who I’m so attached to that if they die I don’t even fucking care anymore lol), and apparently they never get to fight lien/meet her for too long again and can I just say... What The Fuck, why would you come up with such a compelling antagonist and not use her???  

- Tharkay, straight(hah)-faced: yeah I’m coming with you to australia on this prison ship nbd just curious about it that’s all 

Laurence, blinking back tears, barely getting the words out: cool bro 

(I think laurence has been like. crying or on the verge of crying in every single scene he and tharkay have been alone in this entire book. tharkay saw laurence through an ugly ugly divorce (with the government of england if not the land) and is still going with him to fucking australia. that’s how you know it’s love tbh, he’s done for)

also for the meme: AND THEY WERE SHIPMATES! OH MY GOD THEY WERE SHIPMATES!

ALSO also: tharkay getting granby a drink fdsafjsalkdjfh best boy, best friend 

- not connected to anything but I do appreciate that laurence is a rare extremely extroverted protagonist. he just really needs people around him and sort of wilts when he’s isolated, whether by circumstance or his own Stuff.  

- Oh man I really liked this one! the pacing worked better than the last one, the dual pov really shook things up, the new dragon characters were cool and Laurence had a lot of character development that has been in the cards since book 1, even if it was really upsetting while it happened. and Tharkay was there a lot, which is the surest way to my heart at this point, to be fair. 

[borisbubbles]

EUROVISION 2018 #5 & #4

05. SWITZERLAND ZiBBZ - “Stones” 32nd place

~*Wild Jokah On A Gole Froam*~

Yanking away the top NQ slot in this year’s ranking is, of course, everybody’s favourite Sibling alliance, ZiBZZ!! 

As you know, I looooooooove mental health awareness songs, and I particularly love those with approaches that work (*cough* NOT “Goodbye” *cough*). While most of these songs are doused in motherly, cloddlesome tones, “Stones” doesn’t beat around the bush and argues that one must confront their fears HEAD-ON. 

To transliterate the (ridic, amusing) lyrics into Common English: 

“People have always been shitbags and have treated others like crap for aeons and there’s nothing I can do about it because people won’t fucking change.. SO fucking WHAT? Why would let those assholes affect my present and future the same way they’ve influenced my past? Fuck that noise. It’s time to let the inner demons rest, grow as a person AND help others get out of the deep end while doing so.”. 

Holy fuck what an epic Truth BOMB, I can relate to all of that scalding hot tea. The best way to get around depression, anger and frustration *is* to 1) remove you from the toxic environment 2) find kindred spirits and support each other 3) find the courage to leave your past behind and build a future for yourself. Mental health is a BATTLEFIELD that HITS YOU with its best shots (did I just ref Pat Benatar twice? 🤭) while you’re struggling and “Stones” acklowedges this reality so hard. About fucking time someone lit the flares of ferocity to stand up against BULLYING and HATE. ALL HAIL COCO the ZiBB, FIRST OF HER NAME, THE UNDUN, MOTHER OF FLARES, KHALEESI OF THE DOWNTRODDEN, NON-THROWER OF STONES, BREAKER OF TABOOS, QUEEN OF THE HURT, TORMENTED AND BROWBEATEN. 

Ain’t the only one who don’t wanna throw stooooooooooones

But of course, message alone isn’t enough to get such a high ranking, but fortunately ZiBBZ delivered musically as well. “Stones” has the perfect type of melody for Eurovision: catchy,  repetitive and accessible, but never boring or tiresome because the arrangement was spot.fucking.on. The horns and tuba’s give the music so much gravitas, the backing AHEMs are excellent  and CoCo’s five-packs-a-day type of gravelly voice adds so much realness to the song. "Stones” as a whole is jarring and complex and succeeds at elliciting the emotional response it aims for. This is my favourite song of the 42, by no small margin. 

And then there’s the staging, which... I have mixed feelings about, not gonnal ie. It saddens me that even at this high a rank I must again resort to critique. I mean, the ACT was great. That motherfuckin’ flare is one of the few goosebump moments I got from this year, Coco is Minerva in a hipster body, Stee is a lovable goof, but... you have this amazing, dynamic song that is capable BLOWING EVERYONE AWAY and it  kinda... doesn’t? 

I would say that “Stones” was mostly hampered by its camerawork, which was mostly AWFUL. Which idiot [Hans Pancake 🙄] is responsible for framing such a powerful, uptempo song with slow, drawn-out shots?

I mean, shots such as this one:

(why didn’t they just focus on Stee??? or the audience?)

and that one:

(You can clearly see Coco throwing away a drumstick at the start of the preformance... Why the faraway shots?? Why no close-ups when she’s drumming happening???? NO ONE CARED ABOUT SANNA’S LIGHT CAGE SO WHY WOULD THEY START CARING NOW??? (seriously, fuck you Hans Culpepper))

This is the reason why “Stones” failed to ensnare the audience’s attention. Wrong people with the right to stage and ZiBBZ can’t do anything about it. I chose to not take it into account when I decided on their final ranking, but it’s sooooo frustrating to see Switzerland FINALLY strike the motherload and fall flat because of some moronic cinematographic decisions. Now watch Switz pick something mediocre and be overrated by the Basics/NQ once again (lol I say this without having listened to the Swiss songs, but can you blame me?). Oh well, ZiBBZ have since moved on to better things -

- and so should we :). Still praying they pull a Poli in five years or so. THE WORLD NEEDS IT

04. SLOVENIA Lea Sirk - “Hvala, ne!” 22nd place

Damn’ this is such a tough decision. Cutting entries loose at this point really hurts y’all.

So as you know, I really, REALLY fucking love Lea Sirk and even said that, in the unlikely event that she qualified, she’d WIN the ranking. However, while I am probably obliged by contract to grant her the first place, I can honestly say that... I like my top three more?  Lea could have easily won this ranking, had my opinions on Elina, DoReDos and Ieva stayed the same; but they didn’t (they went up obvi), so here we are. The above paragraph is just a disclaimer to explain why Slovenia don’t rank higher than they do, because holy fuck this "Hvala, ne!” was awesoooooooooome. Anti-establishmentarian trap-pop that was a shock qualifier and made a flashy gimmick work TWICE <3 There’s a reason why the Good Gays Fanbase (do I include myself in that? hmmm 🤔) have nicknamed it “Hvala Slay!”. 

But first, (-- Julie Chen-Moonves) let’s discuss the PHENOMENON that is Lea Sirk. My love for her predates this contest by several years, from the time when I only knew her as the botty cyborg sidekick to the heiress of the Ravenclaw Empire herself, Tinkara Kovac. 

“KEN U BEE-LIEF ET???”

who happens to be *my* fave of Outstanding Eurovision Year 2014 (Yes, over Conchita, go cry) and is a contender for fave entry of the decade. The Summer of 2014 was a fantastic experience, partly thanks to Lea and I will forever cherish her for that reason. So when this beautiful dubstep fae was selected to rep Slovenia, now sporting a lilac killer braid, a trashbag jumpsuit and a cabal of slut-dropping dance devas of destruction... like *instantly* fanning my proverbial clit right there. It only got better during Lea’s pre-show content, proving her not only cool chick onstage, but off the stage as well. Having a teenage girl crush on Waylon <3 (Confessing this IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE WHICH INCLUDED BOTH WAYLON AND HER HUSBAND lmao bless <3). Impersonating Salvador on some Slovene version of the Soundmix Show <3 There’s no way Lea couldn’t deliver in Lisbon.

And “deliver” is underselling what Lea did, holy fucking hell that live was EVERYTHING. It’s hard to even name what the brightest shining star of their performance was, since Slovenia brought an entire fucking galaxy  of them. I’d say the best thing was probably the choreography, which managed to be spellbinding, professional and hilarious all at once.  Lea and her dancers-in-crime put on an amazing, electrifying show, aided by dynamic camerawork and lighting (Take note, Hans Pancake 🙄). 

My personal fave thing about “Hvala ne!” however was that it QUALIFIED BY A COMFORTABLE MARGIN AND WOULD HAVE UNDER ANY POINTS SYSTEM <345871 I love a deserving shock qualifier (see: Albania), but when it happens to a preshow fave of mine that I considered all but doomed (and a contender for last in the semi). . . There are no superlatives in my glossary that can describe the state of elation I felt when Lea was announced as a finalist. Netta might as well cede her trophy because the Eurogaes were the actual winners of this year 💗🧡💛💚💙💜 “Hvala, ne!” more like “HVALA motherfucking SLAYS HATERS” amirite???

Granted “Hvala, ne!” was the same in Lisbon as during the preshow, with only two marked exceptions. One was Lea had added a chorus in shabby Portuguese (”OBRIGADA NAO NAO!!!” <3) which was hilar, and the other was... the break!

Granted the semi break was kinda *blah* to me. “Zomg the music dies riiiiiiight before the bridge how coincidental”. Sure, Jan. Either way, I found it moderately funny, mostly because of the random extras that were clearly being paid by production to oversell it <3 

But the best thing was that it WORKED and brought Lea to the finale where she performed a SECOND break and this one was downright epic. The audience actually sang along with her <3 <3 <3 <3 Two different instances of the same gimmick and making it work BOTH times <3 When will YOUR faves???

I suppose that, at the end of the day, “Hvala, ne!” was an experimental song that you either love or hate. Why anyone would ever hate this radiant nymph is beyond me, but whatever. My ranking, my rules, ya shallow fools. I *loved* this bizarre mix of K-Pop and Hip-Hop, sung in Slovene and Portuguese, (which is the most unique combination of languages ever featured in a Eurovision entry, I’m sure <3), with badass self-referential lyrics that SLAM DOWN musical conformity in a year that was all about rewarding it. In other words PRECISELY WHAT THIS CONTEST NEEDED. You know, there are plenty of countries out there that have never scored a top five in Eurovision and probably never will until they find their monster runaway winner (Lordi, Salvador). I *hope* the next one is from Slovenia. Raiven performing a song by Maraaya, with Lea and BQL as the back-up singers. Come on y’all, let’s make Eurovision Great Again. Hvala, slay, slay, slay, slay

 RANKING SO FAR

04. Slovenia (Lea Sirk - “Hvala, ne!”)

05. Switzerland (ZiBBZ - “Stones”)

06. Germany (Michael Schulte - “You let me walk alone”)

07. Albania (Eugent Bushpepa - “Mall”)

08. France (Madame Monsieur - “Mercy”)

09. Hungary (AWS - “Viszlát nyár”)

10. Finland (Saara Aalto - “Monsters”)

11. Bulgaria (EQUINOX - “Bones”)

12. Denmark (Rasmussen - “Higher ground”)

13. Malta (Christabelle - “Taboo”)

14. Cyprus (Eleni Foureira - “Fuego”)

15. United Kingdom (SuRie - “Storm”)

16. Serbia (Balkanika - “Nova Deca”)

17. Portugal (Cláudia Pascoal - “O jardim”)

18. The Netherlands (Waylon - “Outlaw in ‘em”)

19. Ukraine (MÉLOVIN - “Under the ladder”)

20. Macedonia (Eye Cue - “Lost and Found”)

21. San Marino (Jessika ft. Jenifer Brening - “Who We Are”)

22. Sweden (Benjamin Ingrosso - “Dance You Off”)

23. Austria (Cesár Sampson - “Nobody but you”)

24. Latvia (Laura Rizzotto - “Funny girl”)

25. Azerbaijan (AISEL - “X my heart”)

26. Israel (Netta - “Toy”)

27. Norway (Alexander Rybak  - “That’s how you write a song”)

28. Montenegro (Vanja Radovanovic - “Inje”)

29. Armenia (Sevak Khanagyan - “Qami”)

30. Poland (Gromee ft. Lukas Meijer - “Light me up”)

31. Greece (Yianna Terzi - “Oniro mou”)

32. Georgia (Iriao - “For you”)

33. Belgium (Sennek - “A matter of time”)

34. Italy (Ermal Meta & Fabrizio Moro - “Non mi avete fatto niente”)

35. Romania (The Humans - “Goodbye”)

36. Ireland (Ryan O'Shaughnessy - “Together”)

37. Croatia (Franka - “Crazy”)

38. Belarus (ALEKSEEV - “Forever”)

39. Russia (Julia Samoylova - “I Won’t Break”)

40. Spain (Amaia & Alfred - “Tu canción”)

41. Iceland (Ari Ólafsson - “Our choice”)

42. Australia (Jessica Mauboy - “We got love”)

43. Czech Republic (Mikolas Jozef - “Lie to me”)

[tumblunni]

Rambling about my new watchholder oc Mallory

* absolute gremlin child. Eats dirt. Probably more of a monster than most of the yokai.

* at the same time tho, she is like super sunshine friend! She looks kinda gloomy ominous but her personality is actually super bubbly and her biggest priority in life is making new yokai friends and loving them forever. Like, creepy in a wholesome way? She does indeed love horror movies and creepy crawlies and could probably fistfight god, but that doesnt mean she's evil!

* kinda always bored but also easily exciteable? One of her biggest recurring jokes is just ignoring the normal or sane solution to a thing and doing something more fun even if its more difficult or dangerous. Actually i guess its more "fearless" than bored? Or bored of fear, lol. Fearless and doesnt really give a shit about any rules. But again not in a mean way, she doesnt break rules because she wants to piss people off, just like "im not gonna believe this if nobody bothers explaining why its supposed to be so important". But not exactly phrased like that cos that would be rude, lol. So uhh more like just relateable autism feel of not grasping social cues but mixed with a personality thats quite outgoing and uncaring of being judged poorly for not being normal, as opposed to me who's always worried about what people think.

* oh wait thats the word for it!! Free-spirited! Trickster! Like a peter pan type of trickster tho, more than loki. Like just "i am naturally outside the obligations of normalcy" rather than "i am intentionally trying to prank/illusion/manipulate people cos its funny". Or uhh i guess "manic pixie dream girl" but without all the stupid shit that trope has got associated with.

* pretty much just wish fullfillment of "what if i was confident enough to not care what people think and just act like myself no matter what"

* anyway in summary she likes to climb trees n stuff and her reaction to yokai being real is "yay" and her reaction to seeing an undefeatable giant kaiju is to run at it and try and suplex it with her bare hands. She's kind of a badass! Tho lol also her biggest character flaw is her badassness, cos she can be reckless due to the lack of fear. But then also sometimes when everyone is hopeless she really does manage to save the day no matter what, and help inspire everyone else to be brave too!

* though i'm thinking of maybe a character arc where she starts off seeing this as just a fun adventure with no stakes, and it doesnt matter if you take risks cos nobody's gonna get hurt anyway. Like a "this isnt really real, its just my hero's story" sort of thing? When things start getting more dark and she faces things she cant just defeat with simple optimism, it kinda stops being fun anymore. And she has to realize that even if she doesnt care about her own self preservation there's consequences that could happen to her friends and family. And maybe she's already made mistakes that she can't take back, and now she's neck deep in a conflict thats a lot bigger and more insurmountable than she thought. You can't just fistfight something like the abstract concept of hatred for humanity which will continue to be perpetuated as long as the idea keeps taking root. And maybe even yokai you befriended could start to believe it too, after all you've kinda been treating them as just fun toys and sidekicks on a story that's all about you, and dragging them into danger with your recklessness. Even though you're fighting the villains, are you really doing it because you actually care about saving the day? Do you even know what you're saving it from...?

* and similar to her unflappable victoryness being shaken, i think her fearlessness and confidence could also be deeper than they look on the surface. I feel like maybe as the story goes on it could be revealed that its less being fearless and more just not caring about her own safety. You start to see her get more actual consequences from her fights, and it starts to become sort of concerning that she keeps brushing it off as no big deal. Laughing it off. Wondering why her friends are even sad that she got hurt. And maybe she isnt really happy all the time and 100% secure in who she is, she just tries to hide any signs of doubt because she feels like nobody would care. And that she has to always be the funny class clown or else nobody would want to be her friend. And like.. She doesnt even really believe that she's great, believe that she's fine as she is. She's more aware of her weirdness than she lets on. She's constantly, paralyzingly aware that everyone thinks she's a freak. She did use to try and change herself to fit in, but she kept failing at it and it never helped her get any friends. Or when she did think she made a friend they'd turn on her whenever she slipped up and showed a crack in her mask of the perfect normal person. The perfect normal person they wanted her to be.. Constantly changing into WHATEVER anyone wanted her to be. The only reason she doesnt do that anymore is that she lost all hope in it working, not that she actually gained confidence in her true self. And even when she's npt conciously doing it she's still subconciously trying to be what people want her to be. She has to always be funny, always be fearless, she has to cling to the few parts of her weirdness that people dont seem to hate. And now she has to be the hero. She has to carry all the dreams of everyone she's met along the way, while never letting them know when she's scared she wont be able to help make them come true. She's always just laughing it off and never being fully open with any of her friends, because she's scared they'll hate her. ..

* so uhh.. Yeah. Personal experience of that. Personal experience of trying to fit into negative stereotypes of autism because thats what everyone saw me as no matter how hard i tried, and also it was the only form of autism theyd treat positively, somehow. Like just be the "funny one" and dont challenge any of their assumptions ans they'll leave you in relative peace. Put up with some degree of degredation to avoid the even worse version. And i was doing all of this at a very youbg age before i even knew i was autistic or what autism was, but i could still feel how people treated me differently and how i had to friggin agree with it or else they'd never let it go. Gahhh.. It was all way too complicated and dark for a kid to understand!

* so yeah anyway her story arc is going from being a badass funny to being a funny badass? Like she just becomes more genuinely tough and cool when she's not always winning and the stakes dont seem so low and comical AND most importantly you know her real feelings and see that she will indeed continue fighting even when she's scared. And she doesnt try so hard to be cool all the time so it just lets her be more genuine. And form actual relationships with everyone with genuine feelings. So its less "she is badass because its funny" and more "she is a badass because she's a badass". But she's still funny, just in more varied ways than simply "the only reason she won this fight so fast is because jokes". Fighting legit threatening enemies in fights that arent over in five seconds. So they can contain... SEVERAL joke..!!! And also some actual fighting for once!!

* hhh i dunno i am very tired im probably not explaining this well

* oh and i think possibly she has a bit of a complex of feeling she's nothing without her yokai watch? Like the yokai are her first friends who never abandoned her. And she always felt like she was useless and it was her own fault that she didnt have any friends. She first started off being all irreverent and goofy when she got the yokai watch cos she was well into her "i dont care anymore" phase of depression and felt certain these new friends would all realise she was awful eventually and leave, so like.. Why get attatched? Just have fun while it lasts. So maybe actually she shows early signs of her depression by trying harder to be normal whenever anyone shows her friendship. Maybe something where she starts straigjtening her hair or dressing more feminine and then you just see this look on her face like her heart has shattered when someone agrees that she does look better now. (Maybe a new yokai she recently caught who was like super cool and she wanted to impress them?) And she gets compulsively obsessed with it, exaggerating it to a ridiculous degree and starting to change other parts of her appearance and everyone goes from giggling about this weird circumstance to getting REALLY DAMN CONCERNED! And in the end something something the yokai who was an asshole abput her needing to be more feminine slips up and shows his true assy colours to the other yokai and theyre like IT WAS YOU and he's like "what? You should be thanking me for fixing your shitty trainer!" And Then Everyone Beats Him Up Forever. Etc etc moral that real friends accept you for who you are and anyone who tells you you have to change to impress them is not worth impressing. Also maybe some aspect where the yokai dude thinks that mallory is trying to impress him cos she has a crush on him, and thats the moment that manages to snap her out of her depressive funk. Self hate overrided by sheer EWW NO IM A LESBIAN, DUDE i just liked ur cool hat, geez. (Wait was that entire plot idea just an excuse to find a way to foreshadow her getting a crush on hailey in yw3...?)

* and maybe i dunno some sort of dramatic episode where she loses the ability to use the yokai watch and is faced with her self worth issues all at once and its super fuckin sad and we all know eventually she will get to see all her yokai friends again cos the plots not gonna end before finishing all the games but still MEGA SUPER SAD MOMENT ANYWAY (also tearful reunions!)

* also i just heard theres a yokai called furgus thats a big adorable hairball that gives people big hair. So maybe that could be one of the comically easy victory episodes? He uses his power on mallory but her hair is already too fluffy to be floofed! Maybe it backfires and turns his own hair into a boring bowl cut, lol? And then maybe a sequel where he returns for revenge a million episodes later but it just so happens to be during the maddiman boss fight and he accidentally cures his balding. "Noooo dont thank me nooooo" *is forced against his will to become a popular advertosing mascot for hair cream* *like straight up just gets sucked into the nearest bottle and sealed like a genie* *cursed forever to fame and fortune and a million dollar salary*

* lol i dont think im as funny as the actual yokai watch writers but i have a few ideas at least. This will be fun to draw!

[mimimariet]

month 3

Not really documenting how my meds are affecting me or anything anymore. (Just did a 1 week review LOL) Cause I’m still in depressive slumps. Though now it’s like. I’ll be a manic piece of shit during work and I come home and I’m immediately depressed. This has been going on for the last 2 weeks, almost 3. I’m wondering if theres more to me than I think there is? I’m questioning my own brain now. I know my home is a toxic environment and work is just a good distraction but my god it’s soooooooooooooooo fucking annoying going back to how I was MONTHS PRIOR to this medication. I am fully aware I need a doctor in the psych field. To actually better treat my bipolar and shit. I always mention how the last time it went i was seeing a dude who would tell me I’d amount to nothing and live under the bridge I should walk over cause I was obese.

Y’know my meds now made me put on 10 pounds. My diet.. hasn’t changed. I had consistently stayed 166 for MONTHS and 2 months into this medication I’ve put on 10 pounds.

And I’m still emotionally fucking unstable and of course I’m terrified of losing the people I hold dear to me. Which. Isn’t a lot. But still. Cause it fucking happened before. “Oh I love you, your mental health won’t scare ME off!” And then you vanished, weird. I’m having deja vu.

The things I’ve noticed:

My mania is more apparent and holy shit am I annoying, my mom should’ve aborted me.

My energy is really weird.

I sleep heavily instead of lightly ? I guess. Cause it makes you sleep. So. Eh.

Optimistic at weird times.

I’ve become a little more socially inclusive whereas I was becoming extremely exclusive / isolated.

Things that seem to remain the same:

Crying every night over my own agony when I know it could be worse but my brain keeps telling me to just fucking die and reminds me of every bad interaction I’ve had with people and how my life is literally stagnant.

I am emotionally draining and I don’t know why people associate with me at all. I’m no one of high importance, I know my worth, but I’m reminded I should really fucking get a grip and stop believing that. I do know my qualities as a person: I’m fun, high energy and loving. I’m also bitter and really fucking cold when there’s been nothing on the receiving end. Which.. you know.. is when it’s time to cut out people. Really. I rather avoid any unnecessary drama. I know there’s no way to actually say “hey, I’m leaving. Don’t be mad, it’s just me. Not you. I’m still here though.” I have enough drama in this household. Life is just weird ? Like. My homes toxic. Not only mentally but jesus this house is DISGUSTING. Florida is SHITTY IN GENERAL. The people here.. god bless them.

I’ve been nothing but stressed. And terrified I’m gonna lose people from me just.. always being depressed. Reaching out all “hey i’m here if you need me” like that really doesn’t do anything for me and I’m sorry but it’s useless. I don’t really need a pep talk or a reminder either. I just need to get a grip. I just wanna be happy but I’ll never achieve that.

On top of that I worry about my love life. I know people love me and ooohh my amazing qualities ^_^ but I feel like.. I’ll never find someone who will just look at me and go “ABSOLUTELY. MINE. THE BEST. I LOVE U. WED ME.” and be comfortable with me and work with my fuckery (and my hideousness cause I’ll never be happy with whomst I see in the mirror..). I’m nooooooooot looking for anyone though. Also have trust issues. Thumbs up. (I fall in love pretty quickly, but I’ll neeever do dating sites or the such.)

GUESS I’VE NEVER REALLY LEARNED HOW TO COPE OR LET GO OF ANYTHING. I’ll hold a grudge and a heartbreak til I fucking DIE cause I’m just that unstable.

At the same time though, when people go on about never finding someone I’ll say “hey, you really don’t need anyone to live a fulfilling life. Love yaself” or some bullshit I spew. Like. I rather be alone. HOWEVER I CAN’T. CAUSE I NEED SOMEONE. I’m very.. ugh. I’m not clingy. I’m clingy but I’m not. I just want someone to claim and be claimed. I’m very devoted when I’m in love. Since for whatever reason people wanna say “clingy is toxic / abusive behavior” cool thanks I’m not abusive.. maybe a little toxic. I can’t be perfect all the time. I keep my fucking mouth shut don’t I? Not really.

I just wanna be coddled and properly loved. I’ve.. not really ever had that. Everything was restricted. I hate being touched but god damn it I wanna be held lmao. I wanna be comfortable.

With myself and with someone.

My faith is so extremely low and the other bit of all this is my focus on my art and my comics and blah blah It’s taking me So Long to DO ANYTHING. I’d step down to part time at my job but I’d lose my AMAZING BENEFITS. (my 5% discount at doctors offices cause I’ve limited travel! Lol! It cost me nearly $300 just to talk to someone about the meds I’m on and am almost out of! I still owe $100!!!! I tossed the bill out!!!!!!!!!!!) I need the full time hours especially if I want to move out of here. I’m stuck. I’M STUCK. I’m fucking STUCK. I don’t DRIVE YET. Lifes expensive and bitch I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS.

Things I’m fully aware of: I’m worth something, I have value and importance, I need to find actual help, I need to take the steps necessary for some healing process, I need to be on more than just 1 thing to keep my stable, I need to find balance and a system I can work with, I need to eat better and sleep better (Even tho my energy is very lunar fueled.) I can’t stress about the unknown, I need to do the scary things.

I don’t have an issue with opening up and vulnerability, I just get really embarrassed that I’m like this and I fucking breakdown crying when I do. Like. I can go on about everything in the book. Actually using my vocal cords for such a thing.. not entirely impossible.. Just extremely difficult.

Why even make things public? Hm? What’s the good in that? You’re just bitching for attention on the internet. No one needs to know about this! My aunt inquiring why, when I am 24 years old and am allowed to do as I fucking please.

Mental health is such a.. gently brushed on topic by a lot people and very focused on by a select few others. Acknowledgement is very important in this day and age.  As a reminder to others looking, you’re not alone. Be it bipolar or bpd or PTSD etc etc.. When I was 13-17, no one was saying shit other than my doctor talking shit about me being useless. So y’know, 24 years old, still very much so struggling but still surviving. It hurts. It sucks. Eventually it’ll get better. I know on the internet it looks like everyones queer and sad which probably so, but it’s a little comforting to know that you’re not the only sad bitch. Cause you go about your business in a world where people just emit neurotypical behaviors and don’t understand, look at you like you’re a crackhead cause you’re manic af. Hello. Hi. It’s me you’re talking about.

Anyway, I’m not happy and I want to be happy. Being some nightly ritual of crying alone in your bed.. Is sooooooooooo exhausting..

[atopearth]

Ikemen Sengoku Part 6 - Takeda Shingen Route

It’s like every line that comes out of Shingen’s mouth is flirty or a pick up line lolol. It must be so difficult for the heroine to carry on a proper conversation with him. Nice to know that she’s already smitten with his good looks hahaha. I am quite interested in this route now, especially since right from the beginning, they find out who each other are and so now there won’t be drama over that like with Yukimura. They’re aware that they’re enemies but they still get together? I am in for this drama😏

I guess the heroine learning medicine to help save lives will in turn help Shingen with his illness or at least she’ll be able to take care of him? Really cute that we’re back to learning stuff from Ieyasu haha, reminds me of his reluctance in his own route lol. I love the heroine. Imagine going back to the past and reading bedtime stories to Oda Nobunaga. I don’t even know where to start about how silly but cool that sounds lmao. Aww, I really liked how the heroine was getting along with all the warlords. Honestly didn’t expect Shingen’s supposed fourth meeting that he was talking about would be brought about by him kidnapping her…

Hahahaha I love Yukimura’s misunderstanding towards the heroine. He thinks she’s an enchantress that was capable of seducing Nobunaga and now he’s trying to keep away from her so he won’t get influenced by her. Lmao that he’s protective of Sasuke and doesn’t want her doing anything to him but he encourages it when it comes to Shingen hahahah. I guess he really thinks Shingen needs to be taught a lesson with his flirty ways lol. Trust Kenshin to be ready to slice her neck off with his sword just for approaching him lol. Honestly, I really like serious Shingen but I really hate the flirtatious Shingen that continues to say words of no substance. So, really, I want to like Shingen as much as the heroine is interested in him but yeah…nah lol.

Kenshin and Sasuke are so cute though, especially when they were discussing Sasuke’s hobby of renovating the ceiling and having put traps here and there with rest stops that provide food and a futon lmao. I am now very interested in that ceiling hahaha. It’s hard to stomach that Nobunaga and the rest will be going into danger to save the heroine and that’s something she can’t help but hate Shingen for, the fact that he’s the enemy and he will always be one. I am only liking Yukimura more and more though, especially when he bowed his head in apology for Shingen because Shingen isn’t in the position to be able to apologise for dragging her to war and the battlefield even if he wants to. I really admire the trust and respect Yukimura has for Shingen and the people around him.

Btw I want Kenshin to pour me some sake too hahaha. When Shingen told her about the castle he resided at that didn’t utilise high ground or difficult terrain to keep defences up against enemies was because he wanted to be on the same ground level as his people because they are what makes him who he is and he wants to rule together with them, rather than be high up away from them, it was touching. It’s hard to not respect Shingen when he says things like that in such a convincing way. The amount of care and love he has towards his people is admirable. Nobunaga burning down a temple that gave refuge to his enemy was what made Shingen reconsider agreeing with his ideals and causing him to now oppose them huh?

Never expected Shingen to be interested in carpentry, I can’t imagine him working with wood haha. Considering his sickness though, would it really be a good idea working with all that dust though? Lmao that he saved a bear cub and is taking care of it until he finds a chance to release it back in the wild. Bear cubs always remind me of that mini panda in Full Metal Alchemist hahaha.

(Romantic route) It would be nice to have the heroine as a neutral intermediary if Nobunaga and Shingen were to share their rule over the Kai province that Shingen is so concerned for. Although I’ve progressed through the story quite a bit, I don’t think any of it has really gripped me, which is kinda saddening since I kinda looked forward to this route.

It must be heartbreaking from Shingen’s perspective to see Kennyo become like this since they used to be good friends that would drink and chat together. But I guess how could Nobunaga burning down the temple with all the people most important to Kennyo not change him? You can really see how kind Kennyo actually is and how much he is suffering doing all this but he doesn’t give himself the choice to go about his life any other way, and that’s what makes it so saddening. Btw I forgot to say that I loved it when Sasuke couldn’t stop staring at Ieyasu and admiring him lmao, and Kenshin telling him off that Sasuke should be admiring him instead😂

Tbh, Kennyo being able to choose his own death by falling down the cliff himself knowing that Shingen will be happy to have someone like the heroine next to him is probably the happiest death he can choose right now. Much better than the other routes where he’s captured by Nobunaga and forced to live in prison to see Nobunaga succeeding with his ambition across the lands.

(Dramatic route) Shingen being betrayed by Kennyo must hurt a lot, especially since Kennyo’s decision involved hurting the lives of many innocent people. It’s depressing that things had to come to this for Kennyo… I’m glad Shingen came in time to save the heroine though! He’s our Prince!😂 Can’t blame Shingen for not wanting to leave for the future unless the war ends, he can’t betray all his comrades like that when they’re all risking their lives. Not sure how the heroine is planning to research and plan for Shingen’s arrival in the modern world properly without him and is she going to get a hospital doctor or a “private” doctor since Shingen doesn’t technically exist in the world with any form of identification. BUT, this is an otome game so I’ll just ignore that I guess lol. Oooh, Sasuke’s professor aye. I guess if they researched about time travel together, then he’d probably have connections that will be interested in examining a Sengoku period guy!

Mmm I see, in this route, Nobunaga flees because of the flooding and just gives back Kai to Shingen, whilst Yukimura captures Kennyo alive. With all the travelling back and them spending time in the future, I’d say this route is more romantic lol. Especially since Kennyo’s alive too. Lmaoo that Shingen tells Kennyo stories about him and the heroine and Kennyo thinks that’s his torture and punishment😂

In terms of the endings, both are rather romanticised tbh and have details that are missing in the other e.g. Shingen getting treated in the future is explained and shown in better detail in the dramatic route even though practically the same thing happened in the romantic one. In this case though, I have to pick the romantic one. Mainly because I feel like she’s more of her own person in that one and less crazy about Shingen. Her acknowledgement that she didn’t want to side with either and being a sort of peace ambassador was nice and made her perceived to be more caring of Nobunaga and them, rather than the her in the dramatic route that actually suggested herself that she won’t go back to see Nobunaga and them if he doesn’t want her to. It’s logical for the situation but since it was possible, I detest her for even suggesting it.

Anyway, overall, didn’t like Shingen’s route at all. It was boring, bland and I could never relate with how smitten the heroine was with Shingen since the moment she saw him. It was like they were so attracted to each other since then and so thirsty for each other lol. I still liked the heroine in this route aside from that though lol. But otherwise, didn’t care for it and am quite disappointed tbh.

[moonyxnights]

The Girl Who Wants to Die || au

(So this is basically a kinda interview thing that I wrote for the introduction and lead up to me posting my new series in the context of it being like a film- I thought it’d be cute and also kinda give insight to what the series will be like and what its morals are. The idea is something ive wanted to write for a while but have been worried about triggering people or just pissing them off but because this is based around my own personal experiences (I’m known as the director and screenwriter throughout the interview lol) I thought well its not completely made up and its happened to me so yeah hope you enjoy- series will be coming soon) 

it’s also something i’m going to be making into a short film anyway with some friends, so watch out for it as well!!!

If you have any questions about the series then drop it in my Ask; I wrote this purposely to answer/show things before I release the first part because I get the title is slightly misleading in some sense.

INTERVIEW

Question: Can you tell us a little about the story of the film and the characters you play within the film?

Finn: Hi, I’m Finn Wolfhard, and I play Oscar Miller in the film. Oscar is a pretty big film nerd, he’s obsessed with old films and if he was interested in a modern one then it’d have to be like perfect. He has this caring attitude towards very few people, only really his family and these guys’ characters. He tries to help Sophia’s character throughout the film, and really delves in the idea of mental health and how to help someone with it, along with Chosen’s character also. He always has this back up plan of films when he turns up at Avery’s house if she is having a low moment and doesn’t want to go outside or do the list.

Sophia: I’m Sophia Lillis and I play Avery Davies. The film is based around my character, she suffers from mental health issues and she’s pretty suicidal, and she has this deadline of where on a specific date she’s decided to end her life. The boys’ try to change her mind but she’s pretty adamant, so they decide to write a list of things that she should do before she does, eventually they try and help her get through her issues. It’s such a lovely friendship story and definitely based on true situations, some kind of changed to make the film. The whole idea is to bring awareness and encouragement around certain topics, most of the things Oscar says in the film are things that the director and screenwriter had been told or told herself when she went through things. She goes through friendship issues with other people at first, showing people who don’t really help and only think of themselves, and then it shows a comparison to how the boys treat her.

Chosen: I’m Chosen Jacobs and I play Roland Hughes in the film. Roland is a motivator for Avery, he gets her exercising and stuff to help get her active, and he is incredibly protective over the two. Oscar is one of Roland’s friends, probably the only friend he actually has, and their friendship is very open and it shows that boys can talk to each other about things and they shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. I like the way that it gives boys credit for being sentimental and also for trying to help.

 Question: So do you think there may be controversy about it even though the story is a true story?

Finn: Definitely in terms of the storyline, yes, but they only ever based it on personal experiences and exaggerated in some cases for obviously entertainment purposes. The whole idea is to help those going through similar situations, and to show friends of someone who’s going through something how they should be treating them and how they can and should be helping.

Sophia: Yeah, so the story is merely based on the director and screenwriter’s own experiences with her friends that she’d made and so they try to keep as much to honesty as possible.

Chosen: You’re always gonna get people who don’t agree or don’t like it but when I found out about the film I was so intrigued, because it’s not really that conventional. It’s more about the topic of friendship and bringing awareness to mental illness and self-help, which I think is important, and each character has their own story and is their own person, if that makes sense.

Sophia: Absolutely, like the director herself actually got through a lot of her issues through self-motivation and friends that she’d made through college. I think the film also really showcases how it’s okay to lose friends if they aren’t good for you. I know people who stuck with people just to avoid arguments, but it didn’t always help them out emotionally because they were never accepting of her, they always brought stuff up from the past. I think its just a very bringing awareness to what we all go through at some point in our lives.

 Question: So, your character, Sophia, wants to commit suicide, what was that like to play a character going through that kind of situation?

Sophia: It wasn’t all that challenging, if im honest, I mean it was tough. She’s definitely depressed, but she doesn’t want to die for the moral reasons of just being sad, you know, there’s a deeper meaning which I think we can all relate to sometimes, not so much as wanting to physically die, but to just scream and have the world just stop and listen. I like the depth of the character and the idea that she wants to die but isn’t entirely sure if she can actually do it or that she actually wants to, well I mean I don’t like that idea but you get what I mean.

Finn: What I like about the character as well, though, is that there are some times where you see from afar on the outside, so to speak, and you wouldn’t really expect her to be depressed if you didn’t know her. It really shows that anyone can be going through anything, you know, and it isn’t always obvious to the eye from the outside. Kinda bringing it back to the awareness concept, I liked it.

 Question: So, you said it’s kind of like a friendship story, is there any love within it as well? (laughs)

Chosen: No (laughs) Not with me anyway, my character just likes to talk about love but im forever alone, but the love he has for these guys’ characters is like beyond anything else.

Sophia: Chosen, that’s so cute (laughs) Basically, you can kinda get this vibe that there’s feelings between mine and Finn’s characters but nothing happens, the film isn’t really about romanticising situations or really even about relationships in those terms, but love is definitely a strong subject because of her parents and their love for each other as friendship.

Finn: The film is just kind of like a love fest of frustration (laughs) it’s like in some case, you want them to just get together and have this whole romantic scene where they spill their feelings, but at the same time, it’s a nice change to them never actually acting on what we see as an audience, you get the senses that they’re like “falling” I guess, but like they both know friendship is more important to them and I guess my character knows it’s not what she needs at that moment, you know.

 Question: Was there any particular scenes that you struggled with to film, like either too sad or just couldn’t get right in one take?

Finn: There’s this part where we had to run and climb things, they were gonna bring a stunt double until they were like ‘yo no they can actually climb’ because we were having races on set to climb over this fence so we kinda screwed ourselves up with that one- so we had to run without stopping and climb all of these walls and fences. There’s a bit where Sophia stacked it on the field and they kept it in and honestly I think my heart dropped out of my arse that day.

(All laugh)

Sophia: I had to learn how to skateboard which isn’t my strongest point because my balance is so shit. I had like 10 people teach me, because originally we were all going to ride bikes but then they thought it’d be nice to have like a little formation of two bikes and a skateboarder in the middle, who was going to be me because they like to be precise with things: two boys on bikes and then a girl in the middle on a skateboard.

Chosen: I had a pretty easy filming process (laughs)

Finn: (hums) Yeah what about that time you had to keep walking in the house because the door kept shutting on you?

Chosen: (cackles and claps hands) Oh my, okay so everytime I stepped on the floorboard the door just closed and it happened several times before someone had to literally stand behind and hold the door and try not to get in shot- but I think a struggle to film, and to watch actually, definitely was the hospital scene, I think it was a really sentimental scene and gave you an insight.

Finn: Took so many takes because even I struggled- (looks to Sophia) because you’re too good, if you were a bad actress I would’ve been fine.

Sophia: (laughs) Sorry guys, but yeah I’ll admit that was tough but it was probably one of my favourite scenes to film, in terms of the depth you then get from my character, like you get this side to her and he tells her that there’s a reason and that she’s meant to help people and be here, am I giving to much away?

(Interviewer nods)

Sophia: Oh god, sorry (laughs) You’ll see it, it’s fine.

Question: There’s a lot of sexualisation going on at the moment with you guys from some people, so at times in the film it can be seen that you are but can you clarify about the topic in the film, especially with your character Finn?

Finn: My character, I guess, is like Richie in terms of jokes. My character says a lot of sexual jokes, but he says them to and about Chosen as well, because they’re close and that’s their humour, you know, but it’s definitely not intended to be sexualised in that way.

Question: Is there any relation to you through your characters? Can you relate in anyway or is it completely separate?

Finn: I can relate with Oscar in being so adamant in wanting to help someone, hating to see someone so lost and down, you know, and there’s this sense of absolute desperation to care for someone. He really cares, so much that it can come across as he’s in love, but I can definitely say I relate a lot (laughs).

Chosen: Like Finn, I can relate with Roland in the sense of wanting to help someone and hating to see someone sad. I also relate with Roland because we’re both pretty big characters, personality wise, always try to motivate and have a laugh.

Sophia: I can relate to Avery with the idea of hating the lack of control of outside of our own life, not to the point of wanting to die, though. But I do understand and I really had to see it from that point of view, which was tough. I can relate with the film loving too, though.

Finn: Oh shit, yeah, (points enthusiastically at Sophia) same actually. The films we watched on the laptop, I highlighted and made sure to actually watch them in my own time.

Question: Like you just said Sophia, about it being tough to get into character, was it hard for all of you to be in a really serious topic with your characters?

Chosen: It’s a topic, and topics, that need to be taken more seriously and understood more. We all searched up about the illnesses and really got into the emotional feeling it held, and I’ll admit it was tough but it was worth it in the end. Sophia did a really great job in portraying Avery in those ways, I can’t imagine having to do it, but just seeing it and acting beside her I struggled sometimes.

Finn: Yeah, for me especially having to act alongside Sophia during the times of her being really down, it was tough but it really brought to light just how they feel and it’s so important for us to show how friends should be helping. I had to cry a lot and also have this massive amount of emotion on most days, it takes a lot out of you, but we had a supportive crew surrounding us. 

Sophia: Like I said, I had to see things from that perspective to try and get in the mind of Avery and it was tough, but it really made me think. 

Question: Have you heard the soundtrack, because I was honestly sobbing through it?

Sophia: I have, actually, and it’s so peaceful and beautiful. I cried too, it’s a proper lump in your throat kind of thing. I’m in love with it, though, but we listened as we did a script read and we had the whole room flooded with tears.

Finn: I cried, yes. 

Chosen: Elaborate, Finn. (laughs lightly) We both sat across from each other during the read and we looked up and we were laughing and crying at the same time, don’t ask me why both, but we just were. 

Finn: I was nervously laughing because I didn’t expect it, it just kinda came out of me, right out of nowhere. It was great, though, it meant that it would be powerful.

Interviewer: Well, thank you for your time, guys, and the film “The Girl Who Wants to Die” will be coming soon.