#i am being financially abused by my mom lol

[alygator77]

ᰔᩚ motherhood and matrimony - mlist ᰔ

ꨄ︎ pairing. au ceo! satoru gojo x single mom secretary fem! reader

ꨄ summary. satoru gojo, the arrogant and irresistible heir to a billion-dollar corporation and the son of your boss, the ceo... but when satoru’s father dies unexpectedly, his inheritance hinges on a stipulation: he must marry and have a child, but the child doesn't necessarily have to be his, right? together, you strike a deal: a fake marriage that promises financial stability for you and corporate control for him. as the lines between business and emotion blur, you must decide if your partnership is purely contractual or if it could evolve into something real.

ꨄ︎status. ongoing

ꨄ︎ warnings/tags. 18+ MDNI, nsfw, enemies to lovers, opposites attract, fake marriage, slow burn, smut, fluff, bit of angst, reader is single mom who recently broke off her engagement, satoru being a cute step dad, naoya is your crappy ex, some triggers of domestic abuse (it is emotional but it can be a bit suggestive/interpreted as physical, note this is from naoya not satoru)

ꨄ︎ words: currently 67k

ꨄ︎ a/n. hello ya'll, my name is aly and if you read my fic thank you so much from the bottom of my heart! this story really hit the ground running, originally it was a request from a lovely anon ♡ and apparently i cannot write short fics for the life of me because it turned into something big lol, halp.. i'm unsure how many chapters it will have because i am just seeing where the inspiration takes me :') i will update tags/warnings as the story progresses. thanks for reading <3 (also this will have a happy ending)

ꨄ︎ taglist: closed (ao3)

ꨄ series tags #mhm #motherhood and matrimony

♬︎ playlist

ꨄ︎ chapters

ch 1 // circumstances and commitments

ch 2 // under the spotlight

ch 3 // fractured realities

ch 4 // shadows of doubt

ch 5 // a leap of faith

ch 6 // drenched in truth

ch 7 // pending..

[astrophileblogs07]

ASTRO OBSERVATIONS PT.20

⚫ Opposite to the stereotype of Leo being a narcissist, its the Aquarians who are more narcissist than ANY other zodiac. Esp its the Dhanishta naks out of the Aqua naks who are so.

⚫ I have seen 3 Aquarian moons (of Dhanishta nak) who had a poverty stricken first half of life (childhood, teenage years) but then they become well off like rlly very well off in their second half (esp after marriage). They marry rich 🤑 too. What i am saying here is the dramatic transformation of their financial life.

⚫ Pisces men are physically abusive. That's it. Esp the March Pisces. They literally are a bully. (Dont be fooled by the beautiful doe eyes lol)

⚫ "WOW What voluminous and luscious hair he's got!" -my ♌ rising and moon mom commenting on a side character with insignificant role in a movie 🤣. I wasn't noticing that at all...but she seemed to be stuck on that feature 😂.

⚫ Martian influence on a chart can actually have a liking to dangerous weapons and ammunitions. (Like idk I weirdly love them 😂😂)

⚫ Females with Ketu ruled naks are the first group of people whom male perceive as "threat". (Second is mars btw). Like if the other person is a typical male (egoistic, chauvinist) they will literally hate you to the core coz they know you equal them in all ways (except you know what LMAO 🤣). So they'll try to pin you down or belittle you etc. (sad, but since I have experienced I wanted it to share w you guys)

⚫ Also I love the way Ketu Nak women get along becoz mostly they have so much in common. And by that I mean how the society (male dom) treats them. I am not saying they're an "outcast" but the reaction they face just coz the male species get intimidated by us which has an cascading effect on our mental peace is beyond tolerance.

⚫Ketu naks are sexyyyyyy 🖤👁️🫦👁️❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

(I always imagine a smokin hot biker girl 👩🏻‍🎤with leather jacket and smoky eyeshadow whenever I hear "Ashwini, Magha and Mula")

⚫ I have seen a Chart which was totally "Mars" chart and I'll tell you, that person has Aries asc, Moon, Mars and (Mercury ig is in Scorpio?idr) along with Scorpio sun. And that person is like personified version of the planet itself. So cunning and so shrewd, potentially be a mastermind. Statergic. Secretive af. (Might be their middle name to exaggerate). Close to their mom. Loves friends (friends over anything). Also they have a "reddish" tint to their skin (no health probs, but yeah that planet does that). Knows how to tackle any embarrassing moment in public and deal with it. (I am jealous of him coz i wanted to be like him in every way 😂)

⚫Lilith and Pluto aspects in natal chart can actually survive 8H synastry. Almost same energy and themes. 💀

⚫Why are Maghas the "scapegoat" of the family? Like they be framed in a situation with which they have no relation with. Its annoying to see. Its like you're locked in your room chilling and as soon as you step out, everyone in the family is blaming you for something or the other. Now you're the "bad guy". (Yo wtf 🤡). Added to the generosity of Leos, people target you often. 😕

⚫Libra men CANNOT stand loneliness and being ostracized at all in any way. I have seen this in every Libra I came across. For eg: if you're the "black sheep" they won't talk to you and will go with what the crowd says. And if people have outcasted them just becoz they're with you/involved with you, they'll drop you like hot potato. People say and stereotype Capricorns for being the one who cares about reputation and all, but her 'Venus-ruled-Saturn-exalted' sister also is same. 💀

(no wonder they're besties lol)

P.S: I read a post here which said "Eye contact with 8H synastry hits different" ( i am not copying, i don't remember the username) and boy is that true 💀💀💀. Like I was -->😯😳🫣. Coz I have experienced that 🤣🤣. It does, than any other eye contact I have seen. Lmao 🤣🤣.{Edit: its @zeldasnotes 🖤😁}

Hope you liked it 😁😊. Until next time! 👋🏻

Love you y'all ❤️❤️❤️

[byemambo]

4Minutes EP. 4 - My Takeaways

For the sake of organization: my future takeaways will be under #mambo.4minyap (get it? hehehehehe) cause it seems to be hitting the radar for lots of folks. It's also an interesting series, and I like talking and taking the scenic route while doing so!

Compositional Framing: The Relationship of Oppression

We got the most information about Korn's character and status within the story from this episode thus far: but the visual devices popped out the most for me (I am an artist after all LOL). I mentioned camera angles, specifically bird's eye view in my episode 1 takeaways, but we're met with a different element: shot sizes! I'm not a filmmaker so please go easy on me (my credentials include my storyboarding and animated illustration classes so my knowledge is limited), but what remains consistent throughout this episode is Korn's relationship with authority and power through the usage of establishing shot size, which lots of his scenes with various characters have varying heights.

Tonkla (Authoritarian) vs. Great (Equals)

The way Korn approaches these two characters have their obvious differences in relation to himself, but the common thread is that these two characters are individuals Korn should love. It's expected to love your family unconditionally, and arguably, love your partner even more than that. But as we've seen the story play out, starting from Korn and Great's family dynamics (which I've also covered in episode 1!): love has always been conditional.

Their relationship is revealed from a flashback that Korn and Tonkla are established boyfriends since their university days, however, dating in secrecy. This further contributes to Tonkla's stress and anxiety within the relationship, slowly escalating once he realizes the mistreatment he's tolerating. I found the symbolism between the pet cat's collar and Korn's "senior chief" sash interesting: there is ownership involved, which is mistaken for partnership.

From the jump, Korn doesn't view Tonkla as an equal partner to him, but someone who he can assert dominance over (which is primarily physical but also emotional). By displaying acts of love such as helping Tonkla through his first time and being present during Tonkla's loss with his deceased pet cat, what seems innocent and kindhearted on the surface actually has more context (which due to the 30 image limit, y'all are going to have to watch the episode for yourself and take my word for it LOL).

In the university flashback, Korn mentions keeping the cat's collar as a memento, but he's not the one reaching in and taking the collar off the cat: Tonkla is. Tonkla also isn't the one who puts on the "senior chief" sash himself: Korn is. In both scenarios, Korn is the one making decisions for Tonkla during his moments of vulnerability (both in a state of grief and during a sexual act). I checked out this article to make sure my facts are straight (got too many fun facts up my sleeve), but this approach is how cults target and recruit their victims:

Possible situational vulnerabilities include illness, the death of a loved one, breakup of an important relationship, loss of a job, or moving to another city, state or country.

Is this deliberate, or is it Korn's act of kindness? We can only infer at this moment where Korn falls on the value spectrum, but he's definitely a morally gray character (you can argue with your mom idc). During the after care scene, Tonkla mentions his father (which is alive during this flashback, but not presently living during the funeral ceremony) and moving to a new place with his younger brother due to his father's alcoholism (and possible physical abuse but this is only an assumption). Korn handles this interaction by providing financial stability (cough cough financial abuse) for Tonkla in the meantime, establishing a relationship rooted in give-and-take, debt and IOUs, under the guise of a caring romantic relationship. Given that Tonkla and his brother have suffered from trauma relating to family dynamics and enduring dysfunction into adulthood, I can see why Tonkla had become completely blindsided to this level of power imbalance that is simply all too familiar.

Once Tonkla realizes that Korn is only present in his life for his own self-interest, and access, he stands up against his oppressor, recognizing that there is another individual that is displaying signs of love and care (which isn't 100% healthy, but it's progress nonetheless) that Korn has bread crumbed him for all these years.

This confrontational scene is highly intense and emotional, which is reinforced by Korn's physical stature towering over Tonkla in most of the scenes we've seen thus far in each episode and usually ending with Korn continuing to be enabled. These scenes are usually shot at angles such as panning from above to reveal Korn's power over Tonkla, who's usually shot from over-the-shoulder and panned down. However, once Tonkla finally takes his stand against him, the camera follows him and frames the shot as a close up, tightening the gap between Korn as the oppressor and Tonkla as the oppressed.

Once Korn leaves and returns to question Nan about the leaked information: we're shown a similar staging of Korn physically towering over his victim, but from a cowboy shot slightly panned upward. However, the framing suggests from size relationship alone: Korn is nothing more but a victim himself playing the role of the villain. He is in the same predicament as his own victims, but living in a state of falsehood and denial as he has been trained to believe it is his birth right to take over his father's business (not even taking the time to question the morality behind such a business). What remains behind choosing moral righteousness over injustice: the disappointment of living as a failure and abandonment of his family system, the only consistently good thing in his life that is his younger brother Great. It's heartbreaking because we can see somewhat of goodness from his beaconing of retrieving information without the reliance of violent methods (which is unsuccessful and out of context, rather pitiful?), and I really do hope that he will be able to redeem himself (but I wouldn't completely write off the series if he does not deserve redemption).

However, the greatest loss is Tonkla's revelation of his own entrapment: reminiscing the memories held by the collar but in an entirely new perspective. The composition of him looking at himself in the mirror is hauntingly beautiful but full of melancholy: the mirror serves as a moment of literal self reflection, the collar reminding him of living as a possession rather than a person, the frame of the mirror serves as a metaphorical cage. Now it's a matter of whether or not Tonkla will reclaim his power again and recognize that he's simply a bird confined in his cage, but the door is now wide open. Will he realize soon that he has his own wings to fly?

Moral Value: A Hidden Responsibility

We've seen in this episode Great having a better understanding of his gift, establishing his moral compass and duty to act with integrity and with a strong sense of justice. Seeing such strong character development within these past few episodes is breathtaking (especially if you've been a long time supporter of Bible and just his journey as an actor). We have a good sense of Great recognizing his autonomy and relationship with free will, contrasted to how passive and reluctant he was in doing the "right" thing and being given a second chance to make a different decision.

Tyme's motive reveal (I love being right hehe) after being confronted by Great's demand for why he attacked his brother became a turning point for Great to finally tap in and establish his innate desire for moral justice, especially after being told about Nan's captivity and being foreshown her demise once he found her location. What I found most interesting during the initial rescue of Nan from Samarn was just how "normal" his conduct was when addressing Great as the son of his upper head. How polite his language was while holding a gun and standing next to a pool of his victim's blood, to just before Tyme's appearance where Great becomes the voice of reason amongst the chaos.

"Why can't I?"

It's such a simple response, but it's so loaded with depth and hidden meaning: it makes you sit back and also wonder...why can't I?

Great becomes an individual questioning the circumstances surrounding him, enabling himself to experience change. When his "friend" attempted murder and brought him along for the ride, when he experienced his first few heart attacks and hitting the woman seeking unalivement, when he is confronted by his brother's attacker and doesn't blindly dedicate his loyalty to his brother for the mere fact that he's family, when he sees Nan's predestined death in the hands of the enemy (which you can say that it really be your own people).

What makes Great such a fascinating character to me is just how dynamic and determined he's become after being gifted with foreseeing the future. Having such excitement in his awareness to his free will makes me enjoy him more as a character, that our lives are not predetermined to live and die for, that we have morals and values that must be considered and analyzed for its legitimacy, that we have integrity to do what's right without entitlement to self-interest, that we have the shared responsibility to criticize the world in which was built for us, but our jobs to upkeep and maintain. I'm excited to see what's in store for Great moving forward, and I'm so happy for Bible and Jes to play such characters.

Even though the lighting is similar to how Korn and Tonkla's flashback was, the visible warmth is even more obvious with how these two established their relationship. That in contrast to KornTonkla's ownership, TymeGreat is partnership (we haven't reached boyfriend status yet but it's coming!) How Tyme is willing to accept and make room for Great's excitement and passion, to hold it gently, to cherish it as a fleeting moment. Their NC scene in comparison to KornTonkla and WinTonkla is simply ethereal: the level of shared vulnerability and intimacy warmed my heart. From the lighting to the shots and down to the chosen score, the director does a fantastic job of creating such dissonance between all the pairs (which lots of people like to write off NC scenes as unnecessary and vulgar but it's just blatant purity cultural standards imposing on all of us and I need to dedicate another time to talk about it). The visual storytelling thus far has me anticipating more from the story as the details continue to establish the worlds revealed to us.

Tonkla's Brother: The Arrival of Home

I'm sure we all saw this coming but the reveal is heartwrenching. To see such a sweet face and scene filled with hope and longing with its immediate contrast to harsh reality, my heart goes out to Tonkla. Some may infer that there's a separate timeline that exists alongside reality, but I think it's possibly a hyperrealistic hallucination or dream by Tonkla (since the last scene we see of him was just before heading to bed for the night but also his intense codependency on drugs). Of course on the surface, people can infer that this is simply Dome returning home from recovering from his injuries: however, I interpreted it philosophically. Dome arrived home for his soul to rest.

We're shown in the first half of the episode of Tonkla mourning after Dome's body is cremated (I'm also Buddhist but I'm nationally American and ethnically Vietnamese so my interpretation of the religion will have its differences), which now establishes Dome's physical remains returning to the earth which his soul can no longer return to. I imagined Dome's soul has reincarnated and given access to the Western Pureland (since Tonkla was physically outside in the warm sunlight versus his more cool toned coloring within his scenes), only hoping that he actually experienced resting on his deathbed ready to enter the afterlife with a smile. Now we know that Tonkla's fingerprints were already in the investigation database: we need to know why and what crimes he had already committed before the murder shown as the opening in episode 2. This is definitely going to affect Win's current dynamic with Tonkla, given that they're now living together and he has access to Tonkla's home and possessions. Maybe we'll experience another shift in character development like how Great was, but possibly targeting Korn if the company is involved in Dome's case somehow.

Honorable Mentions: Heart Attack Transition

This scene was literally so fucking cool. The match cuts and in and outs of the inversion (def going to have trigger warnings for future GIF sets) were literally out of this world, especially when I find out it's from the freaking painting within the hospital hallway that is just a prop on the surface. I wonder who suggested such a transition and I wonder how they'll depict Great's future heart attacks and visions. The VFX team is working overtime and I'm so impressed so please give them their flowers!

[atonalginger]

It's Snippet Sunday! What a fun day! Thanks for the tag @therealgchu, @silurisanguine (on discord), and everyone else who urged folks to share. I will also urge those who see this and have something they've been working on to consider picking a small peek, just a snippet ;)

Anyway this snippet comes from Reclaiming Home, my DocCoe fic that has been slow to get off the ground after that spicy explosion of a first chapter. ...they needed some rest...lol

TW for discussions of past emotional abuse, attempted kidnapping. Placed under a "read more" cut

“It’s fine, Sam,” Jamie chuckled, “it’s not a secret.”

“Then why is he acting like it is?” Cora motioned at her dad.

“It used to hurt to think about it,” Jamie admitted, “but that was a long time ago.”

“So I am being nosy,” Cora frowned.

“No, you’re curious. Being nosy would be snooping and digging where you didn’t belong even after being told to drop it,” Jamie reached out and smoothed a stray curl back into place, “Fox took me away from Dodgewood when he did to save me from our parent’s plans for me.”

“What were the plans,” Cora leaned in.

“To stop me from being independent. My mom found out I’d been working with the history teacher at the school, filling out college apps and applying for financial aid. Neither of my parents wanted me going to college because, to them, that wasn’t meant for me. They were saving for Jasper’s college and were banking on Fox’s time in the militia to pay for his higher education.”

“But why not? You’re a genius!” Cora exclaimed.

Jamie let out a quiet laugh. She said it didn’t hurt anymore but the truth chewed a raw spot on her heart, “because my success would draw attention and they didn’t want that. They didn’t like people remembering I existed because it meant they had to act like they liked me.”

“But…” Cora stopped herself, absorbing what Jamie had said, “what were they going to do?”

“Dad knew a freight pilot from Hopetown who had a son a few years older than me looking for a wife. Wanted to move to Akila hoping to find better work. So my dad offered the guy a job on the farm and he and mom started working on convincing me he was just perfect for me. They hoped to browbeat me into marrying him, getting rooted in Dodgewood, and continue to be their little maid.”

“Oh, their those people,” Cora said quietly.

Her response made Jamie chuckle a little harder, “Yes they are.” “I don’t get it, it’s the 24rd century, people!” Cora threw up her hands.

“For some traditions and personal believes run deeper than any fact could hope to sway,” Jamie looked up to Sam. He was now standing behind Cora, leaned against a locker watching his girls with that worried look he wore so often nowadays. She looked back to Cora, “but Fox learned about their plans from Jasper, who was so excited to see my dreams crushed he couldn’t keep mom and dad’s secret. Baby brother’s animosity for me is what saved me in the end.”

“He wasn’t worried about you like Fox?” Cora asked.

“No, Jasper hated me with a fiery passion. As soon as they could get away with it my parents dumped all parenting responsibilities onto me. ‘Good practice’ they called it, for when I one day had my own.” Jamie looked over to the desk and took a deep breath, “I didn’t let him do every little impulsive thing his potato brain thought up and so he hated me.”

Cora’s hug caught Jamie off guard, causing her to jump slightly as the girls arms wrapped around her. She turned and hugged Cora back, rocking them back and forth slightly. Into her shoulder Cora asked, “so that why you both changed your names and kept lots of details vague in your writing.”

“Partly,” Jamie nodded and gave Cora one more little squeeze before sitting up, “We hadn’t planned it initially. We hoped some distance and time would give us a chance to prove to them it was the right call. Fox was the golden one, he did no wrong in their eyes, so he hoped he’d be able to convince them. But we learned fairly quickly how wrong we were on that front.

“Family came out of the woodwork to let us know what horrible children we were. Luckily by boss at the Rock was able to get security to keep an eye out for me when Fox and your dad were out of town. But even that started to fail and it’s one of the reasons I abruptly left the city. I couldn't risk my move being discovered by our family too soon.”

“What’s they do?” Sam asked, a heat on his words, his blue eyes burning as he looked down, hiding them from his girls.

“My Univeralist Uncle showed up with the potential suitor asking around for me, introducing the guy to others as my fiancé. People who knew me or your dad knew that was bogus but that didn’t stop the talk and then a few days before I left town they accosted me near the Rock. Deputy Monroe, well deputy at the time, he interceded and I was able to slip into the Rock but I knew I couldn’t stay after that.” A low growl rumbled in Sam’s throat. They’d need to talk about it later, when Cora went to bed. About why she never said anything.

“Seems like a lot of work when they could have just let you go,” Cora said as she sat back down. She held onto Jamie’s hand, seeming to want to keep some tether to her.

“It was embarrassing and reputation meant everything to them.” Jamie said with a tired smile, “Us leaving Dodgewood was the talk of the settlement when it happened. It’s a tiny settlement in the ass end of nowhere, it was all people talked about for a weeks. Speculation over why it happened and talk about how dramatic it looked: Fox had come home for a week of leave, was seen talking to Jasper near the spaceport, stormed home, and within an hour we were spotted loading into the militia transport he landed with and were gone. And we never came back. It was juicier than any shows they could download.”

“But couldn’t they see they were hurting you?” Cora asked.

“They didn’t care about my feelings on the matter, sweetheart,” Jamie said softly, “there are people in this world who only care about themselves. Everything they do is in service of making themselves look good to others. The jobs they take, the friends they make, the families they have, all of has the end goal of making people like them and nothing else. Most people won’t pick up on it because they aren’t personally affected by it, they’ll only see the good deeds, the kind words, the selfless charity.

“But that also means nothing can ever go wrong. Nothing can ever look out of place for them, because if it does it will let people see other cracks in their facade.” Jamie gave Cora’s hand a pat, “they wanted me to come back so they could say, ‘look everyone, we’re still a happy family and everything is fine’. As time went on and I completed my degrees, changed my last name, started making a name for myself in the Starfield, they backed off more and more because those that knew I was their daughter praised them for my success, making them look good. And those that didn’t know my family couldn’t judge them anymore.”

“Ew,” Cora scrunched her nose, “they tried to lock you away and then got to brag about your successes?

“Yup,” Jamie nodded, “and agreed, Ew.”

“Why not put them on blast? Tell everyone exactly what they did? Make sure they can’t steal your successes for themselves?” Cora asked.

“I’ve considered it,” Jamie admitted, “and every time I get close to doing it I remember that it won’t fix any of it. They won’t admit their fault. They won’t apologize. What it would do is let them play victim to those around them. Allow them to ‘woe is me, look at how my own daughter speaks of me after all I did for her’. Far better to allow my absence and silence weigh on them. If anyone asks after me and how I’m doing in my daily life they won’t have anything. And from what I’ve heard from the few people I’ve stayed in touch with from Dodgewood, that burns them the most. Sure, they love the praise of being parents of Doc Melody but when people ask questions…”

“That does sound like a better revenge,” Cora admitted.

[bekkathyst]

Sometimes it really hits me how much has happened since I’ve been on this website and have had my little shop. Idk if it’s nostalgia or just procrastination of my current to-do list but I feel like writing out a little synopsis of what’s happened over the years lol. Also for any new followers, you can catch up haha

Also there will be some vague mentions of rough/traumatic circumstances, so just a warning!

I opened my first tumblr account when I was still in high school in like 2009 because all my friends were on here. I had like a fashion blog at one point, a recipe blog at another, but eventually I settled into my little witchy nature crystal niche where I felt the most at home.

In 2013 I was living in a horrible studio apartment in central Los Angeles with my now husband Antonio and we were living in poverty. He was being paid under the table below minimum wage and I was an unemployed high school dropout. I was struggling to find any kind of job and I also knew that it would be impossible for me to keep one because of how I am. (Which at the time I didn’t realize was the result of neurodivergence and a lot of trauma). I was just happy to be away from the abusive home I grew up in and I was really determined to make things work somehow, as impossible as it seemed. Eventually I decided I needed to just work for myself. A job wasn’t going to fix anything for me, and where I was wasn’t safe for me to be walking to and from a job anyway. I dealt with a lot of harassment every time I left my apartment so I pretty much became a hermit for the years I lived there.

One weekend with $10 from our grocery budget I went to a little shop that sold tumbled stones on the Redondo Beach pier and decided to buy a couple and some wire and make some pendants. I also had quite a few stones from my collection from childhood and I used those, too. And I opened my first Etsy shop! I honestly cringe when I look back at pictures of my work from this time, I’d really like to think I’ve come a long way lol.

It took several months to get a single sale and at least a year before I had any kind of consistency. For the next couple of years I worked on my little shop while Antonio went to work. In 2015 we decided that my shop was making just enough for us to work on it together and move somewhere else. So we ended up finding a mobile home for rent on some lady’s horse ranch in the mountains of unincorporated riverside county and we moved there.

We planned to stay for quite a while, but before even a year had passed, life drastically changed again. In early 2016 my little sisters came forward about the abuse they were facing and our father was arrested and a years long criminal court case began. Because my mother was undocumented and had spent the last 20 years pretty much just hiding at home, all their care fell on me. We took in my mom and my 3 sisters and had to move. We found another manufactured home in the same area and we all moved in together. I was truly not financially or emotionally prepared for this and it was extremely difficult. On top of that we were all very traumatized. I had not yet been open about the abuse I had faced because I wasn’t ready.

Amid that struggle is when my mom decided to start working with us as well! And she helped us grow our shop some more until we were a little more stable. Eventually we realized we had to find a bigger home and in 2017 I finally got to realize my goal of living in the big mountains and we found a lovely big house in Big Bear.

Actually during this time I have gaps in my memory so there are some things I start to mix up, but shortly after we moved I also decided to come forward about the abuse I faced which unfortunately further complicated the court case. We were looking at a trial date in 2018 which would eventually get pushed to 2019. But during 2018 my niece was born and I also ended up taking in one of my half brothers as well. So our household was now 9 people that were all surviving off of my shop’s income. Also during this time (I think it was actually 2017) we had been talking to one of our suppliers about taking over their wholesale warehouse near Los Angeles. It was presented as a huge business opportunity and I saw it as a chance to better things for us and hopefully ease the struggle. Taking this opportunity actually did the exact opposite. We were quite honestly deceived and ended up being straddled with a failing business. I lived 2017, 2018 and most of 2019 in a haze. Like I mentioned, I really don’t remember much and sometimes I see posts I made during that time and I’m really surprised by them. I think it was just the combination of extreme stress, burn out, sleep deprivation from trying to run 2 businesses and taking care of a massive household, and the trauma of having to recall all these repressed memories from my childhood.

But, somehow I survived. The plus side of coming forward about my abuse is that it gave me access to free therapy and I ended up finding the most incredible therapist that helped me start my healing and recovery from burnout.

Eventually in early 2019 our court case happened and we all testified in front of a jury, and our father was found guilty and is now serving a 300 year plus sentence. It took me the rest of that year to come out of the haze I’d been living in. After the court case, I decided to take the leap and open our brick and mortar shop in Big Bear. It was the thing I actually wanted to do with all my heart.

Then… 2020 came around. Covid hit and it was the final nail in the coffin for our warehouse business. We closed it and gave up. My other half sibling that was working at the warehouse ended up moving in with us as well and so did a friend of mine, so at this point our household was at 11 or so people and we were beginning a pandemic. I had also found out that I was pregnant.

Finding out I was pregnant caused the biggest flip of a switch in my brain. I knew I couldn’t keep living the way I was living anymore. I couldn’t keep burning myself out and over extending myself to people. I had to put up some kind of boundaries and create a healthier environment. With the help of my amazing therapist supporting me, I made this a reality. It’s also when I finally decided that as soon as we could, we’d be moving to Austria, the country my mother was from, where I had also lived as a young child. I knew I had to make life better, I knew I had to release all of this chaos.

In early 2021, still of course in the middle of a pandemic, our landlord said he wanted to sell our house so we needed to move out and he would not be renewing our lease. This was right when the housing shortage really started to hit our area. I had an infant daughter and all these people in my care and I was very scared. By some miracle we found a listing for a house in the high desert, about a half hour away from our brick and mortar shop and we went for it. We knew we had no other options. At this point most of my household went their own ways and found their footing. So me, Antonio, our infant daughter, my mom, my youngest sister, and my toddler niece all moved to this house in the desert. I knew that this was temporary and I told myself I would not be here for longer than a year. Once our year lease was up, we’d make it to Austria.

It was a lot of work and honestly I probably could have made some smarter choices now that I look back, but early 2022 we sold all our inventory from our brick and mortar shop to a wholesaler and closed it up. And then we moved!

And now here we are, a continent away from where we started. Much happier, much healthier. Now we’re not selling nearly on the scale as we were before, but I know that with time we’ll be back to the level we were at. And I really hope to open a brick and mortar store somewhere in Austria sometime soon.

It really amazes me that some of you have been here from the beginning. It feels like several lifetimes have passed, but it also feels like it all happened in the blink of an eye.

I’m really so thankful for the opportunity I had to grow and learn so much and heal. I feel like I’m a completely different person than the desperate girl who started an Etsy shop in 2013.

And… this is just the tip of the iceberg. There’s still so much more that happened. When I first started seeing my therapist she encouraged me to write my story in a book, and it’s definitely something that I plan to do one day. I don’t think a younger version of myself would believe everything we survived. 🙏💜

[pinkkittysaw]

I agree with your tags on that rb btw angel!! I don’t shame anyone’s decision to have a kid. Hell, every mother in my family except for one has had at least two kids before 22. And that’s fine!! I think at least for me my gripe is the social media aspect of it. So much of the content coming from family vloggers / family tiktokers is making profit off of children without the kids consent or even having children for the sake of views… or putting kids personal info / medical info out there… and I do feel like a lot of what we see paints a certain lifestyle that statistically is unattainable for most young families (unless they convert to Mormonism akdjskdj that’s a whole other topic) idk something about the social media aspects of it rubs me the wrong way in a “Christian fascism conspiracy” kinda way LOL.

But I did see some tags on that post that are just shaming young families and that’s just not right.

- aleks

for context, i deleted a reblog to this tumblr post here but i will share the tags of that post under the cut since i took a screenshot of them then deleted the post after i got this ask

i definitely didn’t mean to imply that you didn’t agree with my tags. my problems with the post were honestly from other people who reblogged it, not with that you said in particular /lh

i agree with you on your points in regards to the social media aspect of it all and the harmful effects of “influencers” showboating their children online for views/interactions. i think it’s very weird…to say the least.

obviously this is a lot more nuanced than a simple brush stroke of, “it’s all bad or it all isn’t”. there’s a million and one factors and a million and one scenarios to each individual situation and that’s why it can be difficult to articulate points on a particular situation, especially on social media.

i do think the people on social media who paint staying at home and having kids as something that should be ideal for every “woman” and romanticize it as well are also harmful. especially if said people making these posts are earning an exuberant amount of $$$, when that’s not the case for most people today.

(i don’t want to be negligent of the fact that women aren’t the only gender who can and do give birth but often times when consuming media where these social norms are praised, cis women are often the target audience specifically although these social norms do effect all people who can give birth)

social media heavily influences people, i definitely won’t deny that.

there are people and institutions in place that are abusive and preach/push this rhetoric that staying at home and raising a family while still being young is the most fulfilling/best/only option one can have. i don’t want to take away from anyone’s experience from the harm that’s caused.

i am very much a proponent of educating people on sex, birth control, pregnancy, financial independence/literacy because unfortunately, some of these stay at home moms/wives/girlfriends are put in abusive situations and have nothing to fall back on to help themselves rebuild their life.

I GET that is the point with a lot of posts like the one i initially reblogged are ultimately saying.

I GET that they’re criticizing world views that have kept women in an oppressed position for so long.

(not to say that they aren’t still oppressed in today’s society but hopefully you (general) get what i mean with my point)

my biggest biggest problem with all these posts is that they don’t critique the harmful institutions that create scenarios where domestic violence/misogyny/ general harm may arise, they just broadly critique all young parents (and mothers especially).

that’s truly my main issue with it all. not every young parent was forced to have children and to imply that the only “valid” (for lack of a better term) reason for people to have children that young is if they were in a position where they were forced to is also…wrong.

my mom had me when she was in her teens (later teens but still) she wasn’t forced or coerced into choosing to keep me, does that then make her decision “wrong” or make her a shameful person for choosing to keep me? even though she was young? and “didn’t have a future” like so many people in the reblogs love to say. i should surely hope not.

not everyone’s life stories look the same. i too wanted kids. back when i was eighteen i genuinely thought my future was going to contain three little kiddos and a husband. it was only little over a year ago, that i realized that wasn’t really the life i wanted to have, at least for the time being (granted, the time gap between 18-21 isn’t really a large one). me choosing to not pursue a life with children does not make me a better or worse person and that’s the root of what i think all these posts are about.

“you’re inherently wrong and bad for choosing to have kids at a young age” except now it’s repackaged to seem more feminist than before when really, it’s the same exact branding of shame that teen moms have been getting for years and it’s that same shame that prevents people from reaching out and getting the resources they need.

it doesn’t matter what my personal views on teen/young adult pregnancy are because there are always going to be young parents regardless of the amount of education we give them. some people just want to have kids at a young age and that doesn’t make them inherently bad people.

if people who make posts like that want to critique trad wife culture, christian conservatism (which is indeed a whole other can of worms), other systems in place that take advantage of vulnerable girls/women and force them into give birth at a young age, i’m all for it. i just wish they wouldn’t go about it in the most obtuse way possible because then you get a thousand people in the tags being like “i feel sorry for my friend who’s having a kid” “you’re young and stupid too why bring a kid in this world”

the shame that these posts create and endorse is what i have a problem with, not the actual message behind it.

ANYWAY, this was all very long winded but i wanted to make sure i got out everything i wanted to say. also this was more of a general post on my whole thoughts on the matter, not specifically to you aleks /lh

i never meant to imply that you held the beliefs that i was criticizing in that initial reblog and i apologize if it came across like i was.

[imarawbu]

It looks like I will be coming into contact with F soon unfortunately.

His mother requested us to bring an item from my husband's home country. It's easily available on Amazon, which I've told her and its the exact same product. So I actually ordered from Amazon because our suitcases were full. I asked her when she wanted my husband to bring it to her and she wants to invite us and her son and daughter in law. It may be tomorrow or it may be next week. It will definitely be soon and I do not want to see any of them or interact with them. It also gives them the chance to poke and find out more stuff, since they are not safe people, I don't want to discuss it and it gives F an opportunity to tell my husband or whatever. This will be a disaster if that happens. I am unsure what to do, I don't interact much with F anyways, so there is no chance he will ask me anything beyond, "how are you doing." His wife may ask though, his mother doesn't know as far as I know.

I have had a bad feeling and a sense of impending doom since yesterday. I don't think this is it. This is very minor. I think something else is going to happen. Things are either going to escalate or he's going to do something to me. Or maybe it's just that I've been watching too many crime dramas and true crime...

It's very clear I am slipping further into depression and hopelessness. There really is no way out of this once Ino longer have a job. Yes, I like the idea of not having to work shitty slightly above minimum wage jobs, remote or not. But this is not how I wanted it to be. I wanted to enjoy being a housewife. Trying new recipes, playing with my daughter, finding new experiences for her to try, increasing my knowledge in other areas. As it is, I barely have the energy to do the basics. And I have to deal with basically being treated as a slave, emotional and verbal abuse, etc. I will effectively be trapped. I will be totally financially dependent. Let's be realistic. Getting a second job is more realistic than my husband getting a half million dollars in investments to pay off the house. Now, this is probably my only hope, which is nothing lol, it will certainly not happen in the next year or less, if ever. But I have no job, no hope of getting one, and would have a new set of challenges as a single mom. Very honestly I just want to cease to exist. It's clear I am not a good mother, I would damage my daughter the way my mom damaged me. I have no chance of improving my life with a small daughter: no going back to school, no chance of remarriage (not that I am even remotely interested in that), no friends or making new, good ones, nothing. My life is wasting away anyways. I will be turning 26 in a month.

[piercingsandfangs]

List of things I'm not allowed to do as sum1 in a mildly abusive household:

1. Cry ( lol ).

2. Be in the same room as my mother when she's mad.

3. Have financial independence ( every purchase I make my mom gets a notification for ( I'm 16 ) ).

4. Date people ( my mom gets annoyed at me if I do but she gets over it.

5. ( For context I'm autistic ) She does not believe that loud noises affect me. I am not allowed to be affected by loud sounds. She will scream and blast nightclub music to hurt my ears.

6. Be in pain. My mother has disabilities that put her in pain on the daily. Because of this any pain I experience in my life is invalid to her.

7. Go to the doctor's. Don't really understand this one, she sometimes lets me, other times she's anti me seeing a doctor at all even for things I really need.

8. Dislike anyone she knows. She however tries to make me hate and ignore my friends. She has used my own money against me because I dislike my aunt ( who has said pedophilic things. )

9. Be on phone calls. Again I don't get this one. They cost her nothing.

10. Watch shows she personally dislikes. That being; Doctor who, Twilight, Strictly come dancing, ect.

11. Watch YouTubers. If she walks in when I'm watching one she will tell me I I watch " stupid shit " and scream at me until I put something else on.

12. Go to cafés, restaurants, ect. Only allowed to when my cousin is coming ( my mom prefers her to me. )

13. Paint my nails. My mom doesn't like nail polish.

14. Be feminine in any way. I'm trans and she thinks trans men shouldn't be at all feminine. She sees cis men being feminine as empowering however.

15. Have interests. Uhhh yea !! I'm not allowed to talk about my interests to her and she gets mad if I tell anyone I know about them. She thinks they're boring so I needa change them or just shut up.

16. Go on public transport. She's only just started letting me get on busses. Always trying to tell me I'd have a panic attack if I tried anything else ( fear mongering ).

17. I used to not be allowed to like my little pony ( I grew up with the show, it's my comfort show because of that ).

18. Go places! Yea I'm not really allowed to go places, she doesn't let me go places alone then refuses to come with me ( she goes places for my cousin whenever asked ).

19. Misplace things. If I do I get screamed at. She once destroyed over 60 dollars worth of my things because of this.

20. Go to school. Wasn't allowed to do that for a few years. She decided to not let me do mainstream even though I would've been fine. I now lack important things in my education and résumé.

21. Say ANYTHING nice about my father to my mother. Oh boy.

22. Say anything nice about my mother to my father. Lel.

23. I have sh scars, they're very visible. I'm not allowed to have them on show too much.

24. Not allowed to draw scars. My mother says they're ugly.

Last but not least !

25. Tell someone about what happens at home. Because of course.

[windsongs2]

Most people when they hear someone's been abused thinks it's physical and yes it can be physical but also could be emotional mental and financial plus other types of abuses

Mine was all of the above plus verbally abused

What I'm going to post is the verbal abuse, the emotional abuseand mental abuse I got from my ex husband.

Even though I make light of his threats in this post that I posted on Facebook.

It's very serious cuz it doesn't always start out with physical abuse and people need to realize that.

unfortunately I didn't and not only why I was abused this way, so was my child that I dearly love she was abused too in all ways.

I forgiven my abuser my ex for what he did to me and my child but I will never forget it.

I will never like the person and I will never tolerate that with anybody else in my life.

Here's the post:

"Laugh away.... number 4 always gets me a chuckle. Lol

Things the ex used to say ( and yes he meant them...and I did laugh out loud and/or told him how stupid it sounded)

1. If I die before you (no matter what age) you have stay unmarried to show respect for my family...... plus you have to go live with them. <<<<< gag

2, a woman can't drive trucks

3. No matter what i say you must always agree with it, in public and private <<< yeah, like I am a mindless empty headed person...lol

4. You had a boy instead of a girl cause you didn't think girl thoughts ( you all can stop laughing now..lol)

5. Women can't live without a man , they need to be told how things are done ( about 6 months before the divorce he said that one and o am doing fine without a man telling me..thank you very much)

6. Women aren't made to be bosses, they will fail. <<<< ok tell that to the women run companies..like Avon.

7. In public I would never put you down, I would wait till we are home. <<< in which I rapidly replied " like hell you will, you can forget that idea"

8. No matter what my mom will always be number one over you, you don't mean anything in my family <<<<< thats ok your family isn't worth me thinking about and your mom tried to kill me 3 times so I really think shes not going to be missed by me too

9. You need to start being a vietnamese person now your are married to me. <<< hmm.. white skin, blue eyes, red hair, a mind of my own I don't think that's going to work to well plus we live in the USA not Vietnam

10. Once your past 50 you have to be serious minded, can't party, be a stay at home type person <<< you haven't got a clue of what I am like do you?

11. I want a all white house... walls, furniture, carpet and floors. <<< you do know we have 1 year old right???

12. Your family hates you, they don't want you or love you, I am the only one that can love you. Don't listen to them . <<< he said that many times .

<<< so I promptly told him that it's his family that is the one that's screwed up and he can go to hwll with that notion.

13. God is nothing , I am above him.<<<< well I guess god will set him straight about that.

I don't know how one person could be so so screwed up.... but I didn't pay him any mind . And lucky for my daughter I was there to tell her that "whatever her father said do not to believe him and always ask me about it.""

One of my hashtags says fight back. This doesn't mean physically fight the person because more likely that person will kill you.

It means do what you must

what I did to protect me and my child is I told him what was what, not with my child is around because I didn't want to her to hear mother go off on her father.

Fight back means be strong stand against what they're trying to be with you, know that you are not the victim, know that you did not cause this abuser to be angry with you, know that you are better than them.

fight back!! Don't let the abuser get inside your head and change you and make you weak.

I didn't.

[vizthedatum]

Sigh, more complicated feelings: my brother was informing me over video chat about how my mother read some shit on the internet and thinks I should be going to rehab for "marijuana-induced psychosis" (I haven't been taking weed in weeks) because last year I told her I used it for pain and anxiety since my increased NSAID use had caused so many GI issues. My doctors know I use cannabis, and the majority of my friends use it.

To be honest, it's better to use cannabis than opioids in the long run. Whatever though. All my doctors know that I have a medical card and that I've used it for both medical management and also for recreational. I'm also living in a state that's working toward recreational use. My usage has also dramatically gone down since I left my ex-spouse (admittedly I did use it way too much when I was in that relationship).

It's honestly so infantilizing because she has accused me of being an addict since elementary/middle school (she was convinced that people were giving me drugs at school or mixing them into my food)...

She's telling my brother this because she doesn't think I'm autistic. That's part of the whole reason she's saying this (and also, she's probably offended that I'm trans *sarcastic gasp* and that I'm not talking to her, and that I've been financially insecure ever since my divorce and blah blah blah).

Anyway, it's complicated because at the end of my video chat call - my brother got a call, and my mom fell down in her driveway and is going to the hospital.

It's hard - my mom has had a lot of health crises. I love her a lot, but she was also my original abuser. I suffered a lot at her hand (literally) and also emotionally - she could tear me down like no other. I was beat until I was a teenager, and I tried my best to be the "best daughter" I could be... while masking my neurodivergence, gender, and trauma... what more could I do? I literally went to an Ivy League, learned a bunch of skills, ended up getting a PhD, and I manage (I struggle but still) my own life. Yes, I am struggling because I'm chronically ill, traumatized, and still grieving... but what the actual fuck. (She's calling me a "marijuana eater")

But I still feel for her when she's like this, even though she thinks I'm an addict who needs to go to rehab (which isn't a bad thing morally ofc - but like... lol, what's gonna happen when they take me to rehab? Find nothing in my system? Ridiculous). I hope she's okay.

[tinamaetales]

You’re on your own, kid

“Life is emotionally abusive“ - Taylor Swift, Snow at the Beach

I am no stranger to adversity; things have never been good to me since I was young and now that I’m an adult, being in chaos seems to be an equivalent to being at home. Chaos is home. And it sucks because life should not be that way.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to say that life should not have any difficulties but what I am trying to point out is life is not fair for everyone. While others get to recover and heal, there are people like me who falls deeper and deeper into rock bottom; it seems like no matter how hard you try, you just can’t win. 

This blog post might end up as trauma dumping but idc. I do not have anyone to tell things....not even family or friends so I decided to just unload my emotions here. 

There was a tiny spark of hope in me when 2023 started. I thought I could make this year my year. My plans for 2023 was actually simple:

1.) Fix my relationship with God.

2.) Work on acknowledging my emotions and expressing them instead of bottling it all up.

3.) Recover financially.

4.) Go back to therapy.

I thought that in 2023 I can start my recovery process but since it’s me that is not possible, at all. Few days into 2023 and my life is already fucked. I cannot believe that until now I still have to suffer the consequences of someone else’s actions. It sucks how my father was given the liberty to fuck around and then made me, my mom and sister suffer the consequences. So now I have all this burden to carry and not have someone to depend on. Not even family. Not even my friends. Not even God. In the end, I only have me. Taylor Swift’s right when she said “You’re on your own, kid. You always have been”

When things get overwhelming, I have this habit of isolating myself from the rest of the world and obsessively find myself something to hold on to. Lately if I’m not watching Miami Heat games, I watch series or rewatch iKON contents. Miami Heat games, iKON music and other related contents, music from Taylor Swift, EXO, 5 Seconds of Summer, series and docus on Netflix are my safe haven; they provided me this kind of safe space that no one else can. Investing myself way too much in them makes me forget my problems. However, you cannot fully shut down the world from yourself right? I still have to leave that space from time to time and good Lord it’s so exhausting facing the real world.

Lately, I have been watching this show that seems to challenge me mentally and emotionally because I can see myself in most of the characters. The show is called BoJack Horseman. It was so difficult for me to get through some of the episode not because it was bad, the show was actually well written, but because it gets so real at times. And, sometimes facing the truth is really difficult. I’m on season 2 now (it has six seasons), and I plan to finish this until the end. I guess there’s a reason why I ended up watching this show; maybe I need to learn how to face the truth as well as I need to learn how to actually work on making myself better. Let’s just see if there will be progress for me.

I have absolutely no intention of opening this account today and even writing something so I guess that explains why this entire blog post looks like a collection of paragraphs that were only put together so I can trauma dump lol. Anyway, I want to end this by sharing some quotes from the show: 

"The universe is a cruel, uncaring void, The key to being happy isn't a search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead."

“That’s the thing. I don’t think I believe in deep-down. I kinda think that all you are is just the things that you do.”

x,

TinaMae

[stone-below-the-water]

my moms rants are so fucking predictable, i always know exactly what she’s going to say next or in response to a statement of mine. i mention something about how fibromyalgia feels and i say immediately after ‘i know in a few minutes you’ll be yelling at me for not having a job yet because i mentioned a symptom i’m having of something and the two correlate in your mind’ and sure fucking enough that’s where she took the conversation & started essentially saying i’m lying about my pain and can work an at home job where i have to sit for hours because i “sat for 14 hours and was laughing and having fun” with my friends. like no i got up every single hour because of the pain from sitting, and i sure was!! and it was the first time i’ve genuinely laughed hard in a year!! and i was in excruciating fucking pain by the end of it like. because i found one good moment in this dogshit world i can be off making money. what kind of prick correlates the two? i’m already trying to look for a job i can handle, i don’t need good moments being spoiled because they’re all i got. why listen to me and give me care, not even sympathy or empathy necessarily but just understanding or acknowledgement- when you could read my mention of pain as an excuse or threat to your bank account and start yelling. not to mention SHE went out to a concert i begged her not to & brought covid home to me, ruining my fucking life for a year and giving me the symptoms i have now. so it’s her fucking fault originally for not giving enough of a shit to believe me when i warned that i would get covid hard. i’m so fucking angry, blaming me for something she fucking caused by not caring or listening, as fucking usual. i don’t care if i’m a leech or if it makes me a bad person, i don’t give a shit who you financially support because it doesn’t give you any right to emotionally and mentally abuse that person. no matter how much of a fucking leech they are. fucking emotional desert of a person no wonder i am the way i fucking am. can’t show emotion to people because i’ve never witnessed that at home in all my 20 years! i wouldn’t even know what that LOOKS like. won’t listen to shit i say even when i’m fucking right, who cares what i say about anything ever because she already has her mind made up about everything and there’s no point in even responding. wish i could move far far away and just be by my fucking self, at least i understand and listen to my own fucking thoughts. i should learn to just not fucking talk to her but of course i keep trying to form some connection because i’m a fucking moron. just a complete fucking idiot. years of emotional neglect and all i feel, and all i can express to other people (let alone allow them to witness me feeling,) is anger. which of course she blames on fucking testosterone lol. because of course she does, of course she’ll blame something that was entirely my choice that doesn’t correlate at all. of course, of fucking course. other than that it’s a big numb wall. i can’t show compassion, or genuine sadness, or any heartfelt emotion at all because it feels like the inside of my skin is being clawed at. i told her she is impossible to emotionally connect with and she swung it around on me saying i never show gratitude or yada yada and it’s like yeah i fucking wonder why!!! wonder where i fucking picked that up from lol!!!!! i’ve never seen you do that either beyond the most simple “thank you”!! she fucking wears on my very being dude i’m blaming 3 specific people for the dumb piece of shit i have became today. i’m tired of my entirety just being spiked shells formed in moments of defense

[cinewhore]

Realizing my party is next Saturday which means my birthday is next Sunday I-

[calicostorms]

it has been. a day

vent under cut bc i dont want all of u to read this unless u rly r committed to it lol

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH this has been such an eventful n exhausting day

someone fucked up all of our tills n since im the only one who understands wtf is going on in the cash office ever i had to fix it and i was also training someone at the same time so i was ALSO socializing and trying to Be Normal

was still overstimulated n exhausted and i just wanted to do my stupid job n go homeeeeeeeee ugh

then when i got home my abusive mom wanted me to drive her 30 minutes to her boyfriends place in a whole other town so i had to do that and she inevitably asked n poked n prodded abt everything bc she wants information to use later

and she got upset w me that im prioritizing a literal surgery with a 3 month wait time over my cousins high school graduation which i didnt even know if i was gonna go to ANYWAYS bc im immunocompromised n dont wanna catch anything for some stupid event

tried to guilt me abt it as if i was being self-centered for it

poked n prodded abt why my partner doesnt come over n i couldnt tell her its literally bc she effectively made them homeless by kicking them out . i am so exhausted

n there is financial shit going on and im looking for an apartment and handling a potential surgery in the next 3-4 months, things are Happening So Much rn

[well-in-all-honesty-i]

TW: Suicide

OKAY SO- I wanted to talk about Mafuyu and Yuki’s relationship and why it ended the way it did. I should preface this by saying that the majority of this, although somewhat supported by canon, is my own personal headcanon and speculation. I’ve been surrounded by a lot of people who I believe Yuki to be similar to, but I am not 100% accurate or well versed and this is mostly just from what I’ve gotten from those situations. Also, a lot of questionable grammar-I type like I speak, which doesn't translate well haha.

So I want to chunk this into 3 big pieces because I enjoy organizing things: Yuki’s childhood, how that affected his personality as a young adult, and how both of these lead to his eventual death.

Starting off with his childhood:

This one is heavy speculation (as most of this is-but this bit is particularly so) since there isn’t much canon to support this-or provide a lot of insight. But, what little we do know is that 1) Yuki’s father wasn’t present in his life-probably even before Mafuyu’s father had been jailed-and that, 2) Yuki and his father shared the same bull-headedness (?) and pride that Saeko believes led to his death.

I personally believe that Yuki’s father was someone who might have struggled with some sort of mental illness, as well as has had a problem with alcohol abuse. I also imagine that he probably disappeared or passed-either due to some sort of alcohol-related problem or suicide.

Saeko, from how she is characterized in the story, seems to be a very strong-willed and assertive person. In the aftermath of Yuki’s death, she's relatively composed and seems to have almost expected this to happen, although maybe not in the specific way it did. [Ex: When she tells Mafuyu that Yuki was always the type of person to die in a chicken race (a competition of pride, of sorts, that usually ends badly) and when she mentions him being similar to his father in that sense.]

In the flashbacks in the anime, when Mafuyu tells Yuki that his father beats him when he talks, Yuki’s response of ‘You know, a real father doesn’t do that.’ doesn’t sound like something a small child’s first response would be. It’s a bit of a reach-but considering that, as well as how prompt the response from his mother seemed to be (when Mafuyu’s father was jailed-not much time seems to have passed, and since both of their mothers are present, I've always assumed that Yuki's mother found out through her son and acted accordingly.),- it would make sense that Yuki might have some prior experience with this. Especially if his mother had gone through something similar-she probably would’ve warned him very strongly against the ideal his father had set, making Yuki want to be very far from that.

Speaking of which-I assume that Yuki probably had a very rough-if short-lived-relationship with his father when he was around. Given the stuff above, his father was probably someone who was emotionally volatile and tended to lose control when upset. If he had an alcohol problem, he might’ve caused a financial strain that fell onto Saeko as well.

Since his father was out of the picture and Saeko herself wasn't around as much as Yuki might've needed, it would have made him both very independent from his parents and adults in general, while also heavily reliant on Mafuyu (Hiiragi quotes both Mafuyu and Yuki to have been latchkey kids who found comfort in each other), both of which twist into the situation he found himself in later in life.

Leading into his teen years:

Yuki, as a young adult, is very independent-he works multiple jobs to pay for the expenses of being in a band, makes a point to avoid drinking, and is very affectionate towards Mafuyu. I'm not too sure about the reasoning behind why the four friends chose the high schools they did, but if Yuki's mother didn't directly influence that decision it's likely it was a choice made in direct relation to their band.

There's also very little interference from any adults in Yuki's life-namely, his mother. As someone who was probably very busy working as a single mother to support the two of them, her mentality was just to support him monetarily and let Mafuyu provide the emotional support in her place.

I think she also assumed her attempts wouldn't have been well received-most people noted how close Yuki and Mafuyu were and seemed to always assume that they had each other handled and that nobody had to worry about either of them because of it. In every way, it was simply easier to show Yuki she cared by not interfering and letting him hold the reigns of his own life.

A big indicator of this idea for me what when Saeko talked about how Yuki ordered his own ramen, the type he liked. It's a small thing, but it started me to read because it highlighted the amount of input his mother had on his life; which was very little. I don't know if he even used her money or chose to use the extra from his jobs to pay for it, but either way, it sort of put their relationship into perspective.

The impact it had:

Yuki probably had a lot of resentment towards his father, or, at the very least, a desire to turn out different. And oftentimes when a person is very strongly trying to avoid turning out like someone, they ignore or avoid acknowledging the similarities, rather than accepting and working on them to properly change. Without a strong parental/adult figure in his life, he wouldn't have considered insight beyond his own experiences. He's characterized to be moody and domineering, and Mafuyu is too soft-spoken to have brought up most issues until it reached its boiling point.

I believe Yuki might have had Borderline Personality Disorder to a mild extent. Some symptoms of BPD are mood swings, impulsivity, impaired social relationships, and a distorted self-image. They usually have thoughts of suicide or self-harming tendencies. When they feel insecure in relationships, in which they’re usually very, very invested, they tend to lash out or do rash things to keep them close.

Based on my relationships with the borderline people in my life, I've noticed that they usually bounce between having great confidence in themselves, to being incredibly insecure. It's hard to explain specifically, but they walk a fine line of being insecure and also maintaining a painfully strong ego, which makes them react very strongly when provoked, intentionally or not. Yuki and Mafuyu have a different type of relationship than I do with those people in my life which, for the two of them, means that Mafuyu probably had to provide lots of emotional support for Yuki, while also under the mild threat of Yuki coming to harm by his own actions.

Being with someone with these tendencies who is also unaware of them is very draining, especially for someone as mild and soft-spoken as Mafuyu is. Yuki tended to lead their relationship and was probably very noticeable when upset-and for someone who might not be used to speaking up or someone who has low self-confidence, it is difficult to bring up things. It doesn't feel safe if you don't know exactly how it would be received. Especially if they are the person you are closest to, it can be anxiety-inducing to try and bring up problems that don't seem to be incredibly important or unavoidable.

So, long story short-Yuki was closed off to receiving any kind of proper advice or criticism that would've saved him. Another symptom of BPD, as mentioned before, is suicidal ideation. So, if all these things are combined, it's a lot easier to see how he, surrounded by only his thoughts and ideas, would make the choice to take his own life when provoked.

It wasn't specifically that Mafuyu had caused his death, but more that he just sent him over the edge he had been teetering on for a long while. He was like his father in the sense that they had the same flaws that just came from different places. Yuki's pride came from the flip side of his insecurities and his own early independence, and his mental health issues as a whole are probably hereditary. The specificities of his death, where Yuki drinks after avoiding alcohol for his entire life, feels like he failed in his effort to avoid being like his father. He was different as a person but in the end, their flaws aligned and brought them to their end in parallels to each other.

Calling back to what his mom said-it doesn't feel unexpected. It is shocking, but not a surprise. Yuki was fiercely independent and wanted to learn and do new things, all on his own-including his own death and whatever follows after.

[I wrote this a while back and didn’t really like how most of it was speculation and hard to prove-but decided to post it anyway because I spent too much time on it lol.

Like I said before, most of this is just my head canons, but I hope it made sense! Feel free to add on with your stuff/arguments/headcanons :)]

[gossip-girl-of-middleearth]

Hello! I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfy but I was wondering if I could get a bit of advice? From your recent posts, you said you left your home from toxicity and just bad things in general.

I’m in a similar situation, but my dad will be taking me away from my mom. And I just know it’ll be a shit show. And I’m absolutely terrified when we tell her and what the backlash will be afterwards towards my brothers and me and dad in general

How did you do it? How did you take the leap? Do you possibly have any advice on how to deal ?

Hello, friend!! ☀️

Thank you so much for reaching out, it means a lot that you value my advice <3

Hmm, okay from what I can tell of your situation, that is indeed a tricky one, but nothing can’t be overcome!

It’s important to remember, though, I was 19 when I left (now 20), so the way I handled things is going to be a lot different than how a minor can handle things (legally at least, feel free to replicate my insane stunts lmao)

Advice below the cut! (family violence trigger warning, I suppose?)

My entire family was and is extremely volatile, and I don’t speak to any of them anymore except for my older brother, but I’ll be cutting him off in 3 weeks too when I move.

Fortunately, my dad and brother were both kicked out of the house years ago due to violence, which left me with my mother, who’s quite insidious herself (just watch any Conjuring movie and that’ll give a good idea of what it was like living in that house lol)

I get the same feeling watching this scene as when I was around her in that house. Granted she didn’t try to change my gender, but the hatred for my father getting taken out on me is pretty accurate lol, paired with the immediate “motherly love” afterwards (she never hit me though, pleased to say — she wasn’t physically violent, just emotionally, financially, mentally and verbally. She did try to run my dad over once though, so, there’s that too)

Yikes…yeahh the same eerie feeling for sure, still makes all my hairs stand upright in memory.

(For further context this clip reminds me of my father and this one of my brother)

In the clip about my father, he definitely reminds me of Frank Gallagher, except he despises my mother instead of revering her. He’s a workaholic instead of a drug addict, too. But the mannerisms are the same. I always handled him in the way Fiona does.

Regarding my brother, I think everything about our family hit him the hardest, despite being the oldest. He developed a very violent streak, and has very poor impulse control. I love him dearly but he’s a snake in the grass, and has thrown me under the bus multiple times to get ahead in life. I mostly just pity him, since I know what our life was like growing up. But still, I can’t defend him forever, especially not at the cost of myself. Literally yesterday I woke up to a text from him asking me to come pick him up because he got arrested for starting a fight at a bar and smashing their windows.

When things started getting pretty bad with my mother earlier this year, I started to realise in my heart that there was no way I could go forth in life with her in it. I focused on the future relationships I would have one day when far away from this town — romantic partner, children, friends etc

I sort of realised one day I’d care about them a lot more than I care about my mother, because those future people would care about me. That in turn got me realising that I do deserve love, despite how my mother made me feel, and that I don’t want her to deprive another second of that in my life.

Something very unique that triggered this too was going to go visit an old family psychic, who’s basically just the Gandalf to my Frodo (ily, Chris <3). He very accurately predicted my birth years ago after my mother was told she was infertile — he got the date, year and time right three years in advance, and even knew ahead of time what my personality would be like, which he was spot-on about.

Well, I went and visited him a few months ago because I was lost with my direction, and he ended up pausing and had a sudden feeling, which led to him telling me that he’d just found out I would be having twin boys one day.

Normally I don’t buy into that stuff, but this Gandalf dude…well I knew he was right.

Knowing I’d have sons of my own one day took me from a scared daughter mindset and into a maternal mother bear in an instant, and I knew I didn’t want any children of mine around my mother or the rest of my family, for their safety alone, which made me realise, “Well, if I wouldn’t allow my own children near them, why do I allow myself?”

I started grey-rocking her in the lead-up to me leaving, which of course frustrated her (she’s a malignant narcissist), but it was a necessary step to start emotionally detaching myself from her.

It all bottled over one night after a pretty distressing argument (I had locked myself in my room to avoid it, but she was still at my door carrying on).

My cat, who’s been my best friend for years, was sitting on the floor next to me, and sort of looked up and I swear he spoke with his eyes, saying, “You know we can’t keep doing this, right? You know this abuse has an expiry date?”

I agreed with my cat and knew right then and there that I’d be leaving that night after my mother fell asleep.

Well, when she was finally done (with threats that there’d be more in stock in the morning, mind you) I went to bed early and set my alarm to 3am (was a little inside joke with myself, since that’s biblically the “witching devil hour”)

I started quietly packing my quilt and cat up (I’d already been secretly packing the boot of my car up with all sentimental and important items weeks in advance, except she caught on and took all my baby albums and more to her boyfriend’s house, so I don’t have any baby photos or information on me when I was a baby anymore, like first words, size and just general things I’d have liked to compare to my own kids one day, rip)

Once that was all in my car, I quietly said goodbye to the old family dog and cat (they weren’t mine to take, not that I could’ve anyways, since it was troubling enough taking Buddy, who’s actually my pet and not the family one). That was pretty heartbreaking, as I knew that’d be the last time I’d see them (I grew up with them and was the only one who took care of them — mother neglects kids and pets alike lmao).

Once that was over, I looked around my house with my hand on the front door and was very melancholy, but knew Buddy was right: it had all reached its expiry date.

I left very quietly and drove to McDonalds for a coffee, as I had a long drive ahead (I had organised to be a nanny in this rich family’s house far away in the city — two hours drive). Luckily they were away on their country farm 4 hours away, so I had time to sneak Buddy in.

The nanny thing recently backfired horribly because they discovered Buddy, which led to more AM escapes with my car, but I’m staying with my older brother and his gf for 3 more weeks only. Something I’ve been working towards for months now is moving to a wilderness island to live in my country’s equivalent of Bag End — a beautiful country cottage, amazing job and fantastic study opportunities.

Best feature yet: it’s 60 hours away from my hometown by car, and then you’d have to take a boat for 10 more hours!! They shall never find me hahaha

One of my friends has also told me recently that my mother has started spreading horrible, defamatory rumours about me around town, but I don’t care anymore because I’m almost out.

So, although I can’t offer any practical advice (idk if you’re a minor or not, but regardless it’s great your dad is helping you!) this is the best advice I can offer:

Find a dream and hold onto it, one that doesn’t involve your immediate family. For me it’s moving to that island and enjoying all the fresh air. It’ll push you forwards and remind you of what you’re fighting for when at your lowest.

Remind yourself there will be other people in your life, whether a spouse, friends, children or even a dog! (I’m getting a golden retriever next year 🐾) And then remember that you deserve all of them and the unconditional love they offer you.

Remember that if you don’t want your mother/family screwing those people over by proxy of her/their relationship to you, then there’s no way in hell you alone should put up with it either, as I guarantee those future people only want good things for you ☀️

There is a good life after abuse, I’ve seen it, and I know you can achieve it, too!

Be prepared for tons of backlash and bullshit — it’s inescapable when dealing with people like this, but I recommend educating yourself on narcissistic parents and tactics to deal with them.

Finding a good therapist who deals in PTSD regarding childhood abuse is important, too. I found an amazing one in the town I’m moving to, who had nearly the same upbringing as me!

So while I’m still struggling with a lot of fear (scared my mother will find where I’m working and living one day) and guilt (I feel horrible about leaving the family dog and cat behind, especially when they need veterinary help, only to then go and get myself another puppy) I understand I’ve done the best I can in a very abnormal situation, and that I can only do better from here.

Also, this song has been a saving grace when going all angsty over wanting to leave your current situation:

It’s from my favourite Broadway Musical, “Newsies”, and lemme tell you — discovering this as a 17-year-old when I was just starting to realise the severity of my situation was pure divinity.

Jeremy Jordan, my beloved Broadway Bard <3

When I finally get my cottage, I’m getting a wooden plaque with the name “Santa Fe” engraved on it, and am hanging it on my front door.

I wish you much luck and love, my little anonymous friend! And please know my inbox is open any time you need anything — vent, advice, a laugh or something else, ANYTHING, it feels good to know my past can maybe help someone else’s present ☀️

Please update me, too! I’m following your story along ardently now! (Also, be sure to take your sentimental items and store them somewhere safe away from your mother — ie baby albums, birth certificates, other paraphernalia/memorabilia etc).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must hit the road. DESTINY AWAITS!