#i am scared what if they just felt bad rejecting me. which isnt what you should think when you get a job

[mihai-florescu]

How many weeks into a job would it be appropriate to start wearing my wataei itabag to the office?

[alaskasmonsters]

(Un)deserving | Nishinoya Yuu

requested by @kyonsh​: Hii! I was wondering if you could write a Nishinoya angst with a fluff ending, in which they are childhood friends but Nishinoya feels he isnt enough for her. The plot can change if you feel like it! Thank u so much just for paying attention to my request!

pairing: nishinoya yuu x fem!reader

w.c: 3.343

warnings: angst (with happy ending), noya being hella insecure

a.n: i wonder if i’ll ever manage to finish requests quickly...thank you for being so patient with me <3 i’m finally finished and i really hope it’s what you imagined and i hope you like it! :3 (it’s like 2 am lol (what is sleep).)

If Nishinoya Yuu had to describe you in 10 words or less he’d say: “The most important person in my life.” And he’d say it with his whole chest.

Since early childhood you’ve been by Nishinoya’s side, as his best friend, and he couldn’t imagine you anywhere else other than beside him. You were his partner in crime, his ride and die, his...too precious to lose.

The two of you had met in kindergarten, at the playground. Little Nishinoya had made it his mission to become your best friend after he saw you punch another kid in the face for making fun of a girl who kept bringing her pacifier, seated in between her lips. The kid had called the girl a baby and mocked her making fake crying noises, fists wiping at his eyes as he pouted and frowned. He hadn’t stopped, not even after the girl had started sobbing, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. Nishinoya had gotten ready to be her knight in shining armor, standing to his feet tall with his chest puffed out, when you had already swept in. You hadn’t wasted any time and lunged at the boy, sucker punching him in the face.

Little Nishinoya had watched with wide eyes and a gaping mouth, the sight of a petite girl knocking down a boy older and taller than her had been absolutely world changing to him. In the matter of seconds, you had gone from “girl he goes to kindergarten with” to “most amazing person in the whole town” in his eyes.

You were cool! Not taking any shit from other kids, but you were kind and protective over your friends.

Ensuring your alliance had been of utmost importance to him, the top priority on his list of priorities. He hadn’t realized it back then, still too young and green behind his ears to understand the feelings already blooming in his chest, but he’d been smitten with you since then.

And when you’d agreed to be friends with him, because he was fun and you wanted to play pirates with him, little Nishinoya had lit up like a christmas tree. Since that day he’d stood a little bit taller than before.

That was the first of many times he’s received some kind of approval from you. You liked to give compliments, especially to him (and that wasn’t making him feel all warm and fuzzy inside! No!) But the feeling he’d get when you did, the warmth he’d feel enveloping his whole body and the feeling of growing a little taller with every nice word you fed him, nourishing to him like water to a plant, never dulled.

With you next to him he had felt like the tallest boy on the playground.

You’d been best friends ever since and still Nishinoya couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d won the lottery of life, whenever you’d show up to one of his volleyball games wearing his, his, sweater or every time you’d laugh at one of his joke and you’d laugh at all of them! Even the bad ones.

He felt so lucky that you’d chosen him back then and never gone back on it. Why you’d chosen him he had no idea, but he wouldn’t dare to question it...

If Nishinoya Yuu had to choose one reason why he’d fallen in love with you, he’d remain quiet.

It would have been a betrayal to his feelings for you if he’d spoken up since everything you did and everything you were, all your little tics and habits and quirks, everything that made you so blatantly you, was why he’d fallen so deeply he’d never be able to recover from it. There wasn’t a singular reason, it was all of them.

He’d fallen in love with your different smiles. The way your lips quirked up when you were watching their team train, the soft curve of your lips when the two of you were being silly with each other, the wide stretch of your mouth when you were so happy you could run and dance and scream. He knew what all of them meant and he thought of every single one of them as beautiful.

He loved your silliness. He loved your excitement. He loved your annoyance. He loved your frustration.

The face you made when Nishinoya let his indifference towards his grades show, all scrunched up and displeased, he loved that one, too. And then you’d scold him because if he was performing badly in school he wouldn’t get to participate in the training camps!

He loved that a single nudge to your side could turn you into a giggling mess.

He just loved you...

If Nishinoya Yuu had to name his biggest fear, something he was feared more than anything else, he’d say: “Losing Y/n.”

It was the same answer as to the question of why he hadn’t confessed his feelings to you, yet, told you how he felt, asked you to be his girlfriend.

Because he hadn’t.

What was he so afraid of? Nishinoya, the boy who’d chosen not to be afraid of anything because fear was a waste. Fear stopped people from learning and growing, gathering new experiences and gaining more knowledge. It’s a lesson his gramps had taught him.

So why did he let fear stop him this time?

Well, it was pretty simple.

You were you and Nishinoya was...Nishinoya.

You were well liked by everyone, since you were smart and pretty and honest and kind. You could probably get every boy you wanted in Karasuno High, there was no reason for you to choose him

He was too loud and too passionate, he knew that, and not exactly popular with girls either, partly because of that. Girls didn’t like him because of his height, being 5’3” wasn’t exactly what most girls imagined the ideal height for their boyfriend. They’d rather go for someone like Tsukkishima or Asahi, although those two were awfully awkward with receiving the affections.

You didn’t seem to mind his loud personality or his small built. After all, you were his best friend. Though, Nishinoya couldn't possibly imagine you found it endearing (in a romantic way) or dare he think even attractive.

You were cute, adorable actually, and he wasn’t on your level.

You were pretty, so beautiful and he wasn’t on your level.

You were the most amazing girl he’d ever had the honor to meet….and he wasn’t on your level.

He didn’t deserve you. Not in the way he wanted to deserve you.

He wanted to be good enough to be by your side, not just as your best friend but as something more. He wanted to hold your hand while walking home, kiss your cheek, call you his girlfriend.

He knew he stood no chance, Nishinoya was fairly optimistic and too ambitious for his own good, but he knew when it was time to back down. You would never see him as more than just your best friend and even if you did, you deserved better than him.

Realizing this hurt, a lot, the thought to never be with you...it ripped him apart. Thinking of you smiling or laughing at anybody elses jokes, wearing somebody else's sweater...it made anger swirl through him, hot and unsettling and ugly.

So he put a plan into work, a bad one admittedly, but it was better than no plan at all. He’d try to keep his distance, just for a little while, until those feelings he harbored for you eventually faded into nothingness. He hoped it would hurt less then, him and you, since he wouldn’t be pining after you anymore and you weren’t in danger of him possibly spilling his feelings to you and putting you into a situation where you were forced to reject him.

You wouldn’t like that, you were too kind, knowingly hurting him would end up hurting you just as bad. He wanted to prevent that.

Keeping his distance made sense. It would spare the both of you a lot of pain.

He’d been wrong about that, very wrong...

If Nishinoya Yuu regretted one decision he made in his life more than any other it would have been this one.

The look on your face was heartbreaking, as you stood before him, in front of his door. He couldn’t be all too happy to have you here after weeks of barely talking to each other. Your eyes were red and puffy and your lips were trembling, but you stood before him with your back straightened and your chest puffed out, just like you always did when you were afraid.

Nishinoya’s heart sunk in his chest when he noticed.

“Noya?” your voice was soft, almost swallowed by the wind.

He hated hearing you sound so scared, hated the crack in your voice. He couldn’t stand it.

“Why are you avoiding me? Is it something I did?”

So you noticed. Of course you noticed. You weren’t an idiot, no he was the idiot. For not being able to push those nasty feelings aside that were slowly eating away at him.

He averted his glance, shifting until he’d found a crack in the mural he could focus on, anything was better than having to look at your sad face.

He couldn’t stand it.

“I’m not avoiding you...”

He knew you wouldn’t buy it, not when he sounded this dishonest and looked all uncomfortable and clenched up. You were smarter than that.

You frowned at him, angered by his denial of what he’s so clearly done. Which was ignoring you, for weeks that was. And he hadn’t been very subtle either. No, Yuu had kept making up excuses, telling you he couldn’t hang out with you because he was busy with homework (not a very believable excuse), or he had to visit his gramps (usually you’d go with him?) or he had to help his mom with groceries or...there were too many too count. And all of them had been bad.

During school, he had talked to you less. He’d find excuses not to eat lunch with you as often or convince you it wasn’t necessary to watch the boy’s volleyball training all that often. Usually you’d stayed almost everyday after school, heck, you were an honorable manager at this point, before Yuu had started acting weirdly around you that was.

At first, you’d tried to push feelings of concern and worry away, thinking maybe Yuu was just having a weird day...or week maybe. But your best friend hadn’t stopped acting strange and he hadn’t stopped reducing the time you saw and spoke to each other to a bare minimum.

And now you were standing in front of his door and he was acting like nothing was wrong at all?

You wouldn’t just keep on ignoring this.

You pushed past him and inside the house, quickly throwing your shoes off and stomping to the kitchen, letting your bag drop to the ground near the counter. You turned around to see Yuu had followed you, looking at anything but you. Such a coward.

“Talk to me!” you urged him, your voice still hoarse from all the tears you’d shed because of him.

The boy let out a heavy sigh, scratching at his neck as he tried to find another excuse to tell you. You just knew it, you could see it in how his eyes still refused to meet yours.

“It’s nothing, Y/n. Look, I promise.”

New tears pricked at the inside of your eyes, daring to spill over because damn this was so frustrating.

“Yes, it is something! Tell me!”

“No, really it’s-”

“Tell me.”

“I swear it’s-”

“Tell me.”

“Y/n!”

“Nishinoya!”

The boy froze up, his eyes darting up to stare at you in shock. You held his glance, happy you had at least made him look at you properly, although the weight of his glance felt heavy as his eyes began to look glassy.

You had never called him by his last name before.

Nishinoya bit his lips, clearly distressed now that he realized how hurt you really were by his unjustified avoidance of you, that despite your silent submission to his distance you hadn’t been okay with it, in the slightest.

He reached out to you, the urge to be close to you and cheer you up again was huge, but you turned, denying his touch. He let his arm drop unceremoniously to his side again.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled because he was.

This had been a stupid plan. He should have never gone with avoiding you in the first place, not when he should have known it would probably lead to this…He thought he could prevent both of you from getting hurt, but his approach had achieved the complete opposite.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Yuu,” you started again, rubbing your cheeks to remove the wetness the tears had left behind.

He hated seeing you cry,

“I can’t.”

“Why not? We don’t usually keep secrets from each other.”

“I just can’t.”

Your shoulders dropped a little and you looked away, instead staring out of the window.

“Oh,” you sounded discouraged now, tired even.

Nishinoya was afraid of losing you, he’d rather hack off his arms and say goodbye to his healthy limbs than say goodbye to you. That’s why he would never tell you about his feelings, because if he did he’d end up losing you. Not immediately, but in the end he would. You didn’t return his feelings and although you’d surely be okay with staying friends it would soon become awkward between the two of you. You would hang out less, talk less until you were just strangers who were once best friends.

The thought was depressing but necessary to motivate Nishinoya to keep quiet.

“No, screw that!!

Your angry voice ripped him out of the spiral of dred he’d found himself in. He blinked, shaking himself out of his thoughts, eyes falling to your face automatically.

It was all scrunched up, your eyes twinkling with determination. It was the same face you had made just before you had punched that boy on the playground back there and for a second he was sure you’d do it again. Punch him for being so stupid and hurting you. He would have deserved that.

You didn’t.

“Even if you can’t tell me you still should! You’re my best friend, we always tell each other everything and i don’t want that to change!”

Your hands were clenched to fists as you stared him down, daring, no challenging him to respond. But Nishinoya found himself unable to.

Your words left him feeling cold, the dooming realization that whatever he’d do, refuse to talk or admit his feelings for you, the dynamic between the two of you would forever change, washed over him like icy water

You wouldn’t just take his silence. If he didn’t talk, didn’t tell you the reason, the real reason why he avoided you, you wouldn't forgive that. Not purposely, but a part of the trust you shared would forever be gone. On the other hand if Nishinoya spilled the beans and told you that he was in love with you for quite some while and had avoided you to try and make those feelings go away before they could ruin your friendship...he couldn’t even imagine how you’d react.

You wouldn't be happy. Would you be scared, sad, empathetic? He didn’t know which would be worse.

“Yuu, please!”

He didn’t have a choice. He had to tell you. That was the only possibility he had that might lead to a better outcome to the first one. He just had to be straightforward with you, you'd appreciate that.

“I love you.”

A little too straightforward.

You stared at him in silence, face blank. Before he could regret his words and paddle back Nsihinoya straightened his back and puffed out his chest, hoping he’d gain just as much bravery doing that than you always did.

“I love you and I have for a while,” he continued, standing a little bit taller than before, “I didn’t tell you because i didn’t want to pressure you or make you feel guilty for not feeling the same, so i avoided you. I thought maybe it would get rid of the feelings, but I still think you’re the most beautiful and smartest and kindest and funniest girl I've ever met and that probably won’t change either.”

You were still only staring at him so Nishinoya decided he’d just go on.

“Every time I'm with you I feel like I'm the tallest person on the planet. You make me feel strong and brave and like the best version of myself. I know i’m not your type and i know i don’t deserve being with you, that’s why i tried the avoidance thing, to make it less awkward but now-”

Nishinoya hadn’t caught you moving until suddenly you were standing right in front of him. The words died on his tongue as he was met with the look in your eyes, unshakable and sparkling with a confidence he’d never seen with you. It had rendered him speechless.

There was no hesitation in your movements as you reached up to twist your fingers into his shirt and pulled, no... yanked him down until his lips were tightly pressed against yours. His heart skipped a beat, no several beats, as he was frozen in his shock. Hot and cold shivers ran down his spine in time your lips started moving against his. Softly. Uncertain.

Then you pulled back again, just as his brain started catching up to what was happening. Your cheeks were flushed and when Nihsinoya tried to meet your eyes you lowered your head to stare at his chest instead.

“You’re such an idiot, Yuu. Saying stupid things like that,”you murmered and he saw the tips of your ears turn red.

“You kissed me,” he had blurted it out before he was able to stop himself.

You huffed, your fingers tightening their grip around his shirt and Nishinoya realized in amusement that you were embarrassed at your own straightforwardness.

“You kissed me!” he repeated, the confidence slowly returning to him at the premise that you must return his feeling to do something as bold as kissing him….on the lips!

“Shut up, I know,” you whined, hitting your forehead to his chest.

It was like a weight was lifted off his shoulder, like the invisible thread that had been separating you before, one only Nishinoya had been able to see had been severed. You had kissed him after he told you he loved you.

You returned his feelings!

Nishinoya hugged you, eyes wrapping around your form with ease and his head resting on top of yours, your face still hidden in his chest.

“I love you,” he repeated softly, testing the words once more and felt you visibly relaxing in his arms when his voice reached your ears.

“I love you, too,” you replied quietly, words muffled against the fabric of his shirt but still it was enough for him to hear.

He pulled back, just enough so you couldn’t hide your face away anymore and he grinned at you, a grin you’d return with just as much intensity. You really were the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.

“I can’t believe you kissed me just like that,” he teased you, remembering how bold of you that was.

You playfully hit him in the chest, whining once more, but Nishinoya just laughed gleefully at the blush gracing your cheeks, before he leaned closer again. Close enough so both of your noses almost touched. Your eyes went wide and he could swear you stopped breathing, too, for a second. Nishinoya watched your reaction in amusement.

“Do it again!” he whispered, the challenge made your face light up again.

And you didn’t let him tell you twice.

If there was one moment Nishinoya Yuu would never want to stop it was definitely this one.

Taglist: @crystal-lilac​

[menalez]

Idk if this is something welcome to say. If not, please delete and do not worry about it. 🌹

My experience as a teenager with sex was similar. I have come to call it nonconsensual through feeling unable to say no, with verbal OK but no desire.... only enduring something horrible I thought I had to endure... which people seem to get more. Also it makes me feel calmer? To see all the pressure for what it was and call the fear, if “anyone” my assaulter in that situation. Otherwise nobody understands and will minimize it and also I almost feel like I don’t understand myself either. Though like you I can’t hold the boy to be a rapist I can hold him to be unaware of all the frankly obvious signs of my distress. I have considered if this was willing “unawareness” and I would not put it past men but in this case no, i think it was real. But it was superhuman to put it one way... beyond the natural how unaware men get. Not a coincidence, not a bug, a feature of male supremacy. Not something he chose but something he didn’t at that point manage to see and opt out of. Same for myself and the pressures on me at that time. Though our abilities to question and not expect immediate violence were of course, unequal.

Regardless of how it is said or any detail someone could think they need to scrutinize (which, can that please not be considered acceptable? To those who would argue, please examine what we lose vs what we gain by having the expectación... expect society weight of coercion as the norm for those uncomfortable attesting in specific) I mourn for the freedom we should have had. I don’t know how else to say that so hopefully it makes sense

I am glad you are well and have good company with your gf ...!! To end with the good 💗

yeah tbh sometimes i do look back at it and i feel quite baffled bc i dont think its that hard to tell that i didn't want it. i was deeply traumatised and often acting out bc of that, and i was visibly distressed literally every time afterwards. there was also a clear pattern where id harm myself or attempt suicide after it would happen. but at the same time i feel bad bc he wasn't a horrible person, he definitely is shitty in many ways (like he was prosecuted for posession of child porn and he had these excuses for it back then but then i learned his version of the story isnt the truth bc its just not how things work; or his fetishising my age regression which is a common response to CSA, or the fact that the relationship was causing me visible distress & id keep trying to leave and hed refuse. even after i came out he tried to convince me that he could change my sexuality etc etc etc) but he wasn't the worst person i had come across. back then i had practically no one, most of my friends left bahrain by then bc of the arab spring and the ones that were still in bahrain were fake friends who turned against me once my rape became common knowledge and i became the laughing stock & school whore bc of it. and at that time he was one of the only people who opposed my rapist and would defend me from him, since we were all at the same school. i felt indebted and thankful and i knew he wanted to be w me bc he had been obsessed with me for years at that point so i was just thinking.. well my boundaries are meaningless and what i want means nothing and if i say yes then im reclaiming my body and empowering myself somehow and hes nice to me & everyone has been calling me stupid for repeatedly rejecting him sooo i should just go for it. i had such a weird mix of emotions bc i was scared, i was trying to regain my power, i felt obligated, and i was also appreciative. i think if i had said no, he wouldn't have done anything but maybe hed try to convince me to change my mind, but i cant imagine myself saying no back then tbh. there were just too many factors playing into it. i think had i not been raped at all, things would've turned out extremely different for me and none of that 'relationship' would've have happened at all but..... it did happen and im still trying to make sense of it all. either way it doesnt feel right framing it as if it wasnt consensual. and esp when even while i say it was consensual, people online already try to pick apart my story and try to reframe it as if it was enthusiastic consent and like i victimised him somehow and will take bits of what i said a decade ago to argue that im lying now that im out of that situation and more mentally healthy & aware. makes me feel like even being open about my story is somehow a bad thing yanno

[kelieah]

shut up, darling (tom holland x reader)

request: @elsie512: Would you be able to write a fluff that leads to smut? The reader, Tom, plus a few friends are all quarantined together in one house and Tom and the reader are friends and are always teasing each other and lowkey flirting. Then one night, the reader goes into the kitchen and Tom walks in and kinda confesses that he likes her and it leads to smut? Thanks, you’re awesome :)) 🙊🙈

warnings: fluff, flirting, cursing, smut 

words: 2.1k

a/n: one, i’ve never written a smut, and two im a virgin (physically) lmfaooasjdfjjsd so im sorry if this isnt the greatest! but love the request, thank uuu

pov: first, y/n

masterlist

-

Drinking is the one thing we all have been doing for the past couple of weeks, and maybe a little bit of dancing. Well, a lot of dancing. Quite honestly we’re just all over the place.

Tom, Harrison, Tuwaine, Tuwaine’s girlfriend Maya, and I are all stuck in the same house together because of the shelter in place order due to the recent pandemic. Although we all didn’t plan to spend this much time with each other, we’re all growing onto it.

“No fucking way! How the hell do you get a perfect score five times in a row on Just Dance!?” I breathe heavily, looking over at Tom who had a smug look on his face.

“Lip sync battle,” Harrison pipes up from the kitchen.

“Shut up!” Tom rolls his eyes, “Sorry darling, it’s not my fault you can’t dance as good as me.”

I gasp dramatically, “Oh, it’s on.” 

After some intense dance battling, we were beat. I place my hands on my hips, “Now I know how Zendaya feels.”

“Funny,” he rolls his eyes, tired of the lip sync battle references.

I fall onto the couch, bringing a water bottle to my lips. Tom grins and slaps the bottle, making me spill some water on myself.

“You asshole!” I hiss, grabbing the bottle and splashing the rest on him.

“Y/n!” he groans loudly, picking up the bottle. I made a run for it before he could take another step, “Bad idea,” I heard him call out.

I snicker but let out a quiet squeal as he easily caught up to me and grabbed my waist, picking me up.

“Tommy, stop!” I whine.

“Children, I swear,” Tuwaine walks into the living room with Maya.

He walks back to the living room and drops me on the couch, tickling my side. I burst out in a fit of giggles, attempting to wiggle out of his grip.

“Stop! Thomas Stanley Holland!” I yell, and he instantly stops.

“Sorry gosh, just don’t ever say my full name like that again,” he whines and lies on top of me, squishing me.

I huff, “It’s cute though.”

“You’re cute,” he hums, making me blush.

“Would you two fuck already?” Harrison groans loudly. Tom and I’s faces heat up, we both sit up and glare at him.

“Seriously, the chemistry is loud between you two,” Maya hums, leaning against the counter.

“I ditto that,” Tuwaine grins.

I hide my face in Tom’s chest, “Kill me, right now, please,” I feel Tom chuckle quietly and rub back.

“Honestly, I agree with you guys. I just think Y/n’s a bit scared of what the old web shooter can do,” he winks.

“Tom!” I gasp loudly, pushing him away. He and everyone else bursts out laughing.

“I’m only joking, love,” he sticks out his tongue.

“Right,” I roll my eyes, throwing a pillow at his face.

It’s been like this between Tom and I for the past couple of weeks, constant flirting and quarreling. Not going to lie, I like it. I like him, I like Tom a lot. I mean who doesn’t?

After some nice dinner all together, we all went into our own rooms. Tom and Harrison had their own rooms while Tuwaine and Maya shared the guest room. While me, on the other hand ending up on the couch. Tom insisted on swapping places, but I kindly rejected.

Though being right next to the kitchen isn’t the greatest idea for someone like me, who’s constantly hungry. I glance over at the clock with squinting eyes and notice it was almost two in the morning.

One snack won’t hurt, I told myself. I sit up from the couch, managing to slip and stumble on my way to the kitchen. I cringe, hoping I didn’t wake anybody. I shuffle over to the fridge, and squat down looking for something to munch on.

“Hungry?” I hear a familiar voice ask from afar.

I jump at the unexpected presence, “Jesus, Tom! Scared me, and yes. Yes, I am,” I sass grabbing some fruit. He lets out a quiet chuckle, shaking his head while running a hand through his messy hair.

I close the fridge and lean against the counter, “What are you doing up?” I look over at him, feeling my heart pound at the sight. He was leaning against the wall, casually crossing his arms which flexes his muscles. His dark gray shirt slightly shows small details of his fit body, and his red plaid sweats fit loose on his hips. Fuck.

“Heard you fall or something,” he yawns, “You alright, darling?”

I feel my lips curve into a small smile at the nickname, “Yeah. Haven’t really been able to sleep not going to lie,” I pop a strawberry into my mouth.

“Why’s that?” he asks. I practically could feel his eyes on my lips.

I shrug tucking a hair behind my ear, “Dunno.”

“Ah, well I haven’t been able to sleep either.”

“Why not?” 

“Thinking,” he shrugs, mimicking me.

“About?” I tilt my head to the side.

“You.”

“Oh cool,” I say nonchalantly, eating another strawberry, “Wait what?” I cough slightly on the fruit.

“I’ve been thinking about you, for a while honestly,” he says sheepishly, standing up straight as he rubs the back of his neck.

I watch him becoming more flustered by the second, “W-why?”

“Well, I like you. I like you a lot,” he smiles nervously.

“Seriously? Is this a joke? Where’s Harrison,” I stifle an awkward laugh, looking around thinking he’d be hiding somewhere with a camera.

“It’s- it’s not a joke love, I like you.”

“More than friends right? Because if you don’t, I think I’ll go jump off-”

Tom laughs softly and cups my face, stepping closer to me, “More than friends. I mean, isn’t it kind of obvious?”

“W-well, I like you too. I just never thought someone like you would like someone like me,” I feel myself heat up at the gentle gesture.

“Don’t say that darling, you’re worth more than you think,” he pouts, “Can I kiss you?”

I place down the package of strawberries and nod, “Please.”

He presses his lips against mine, dropping his hands from face to my waist. I wrap my arms around his neck pulling him close leaving no gap in between us.

I let out a quiet gasp as I felt him lift me up onto the counter. He stands in between my legs, watching me in adoration. I kiss him deeply and run my hands through his hair causing him to emit a low groan. He tugs at my bottom lip softly and I quickly oblige, letting him explore my mouth.

“You taste like strawberries,” he murmurs quietly.

“Good,” I say in between kisses.

“Y/n,” he breathes out, leaning his forehead against mine.

“Yeah?” I whisper, looking into his eyes while nudging my nose with his.

“Can I take you to my bedroom?” he smiles, playing with the hem of my pajama shorts.

“Please do,” I hum. I giggle as he picks me up once again, rushing over to his room. He closes the door behind us, and places me onto his bed. I sit up, watching him flop onto the bed next to me.

“You’re so beautiful,” he says, propping himself up with his arms.

“You too Holland,” I push him back, straddling his waist. His arms snake around my waist and I run my hands through his tousled hair.

“Do you want to?” he asks softly.

“I’d love to,” I murmur, slipping my shirt off. He sighs in content and roams his hands around my body.

“We could do whatever you want. We don’t have to have sex, w-we could just cuddle and kiss. Whatever makes you comfortable-” he stutters.

I smile warmly at his concern, “Tom?”

“Yes?” he looks at me with puppy eyes.

“Shut up, darling,” I tilt his chin up and press my lips against his.

He chuckles, kissing back. He grabs my waist and flips us over so he’s on top. He grins cheekily at me, slipping off his shirt.

“Absolutely stunning,” he sighs, kissing me on my lips all the way down to my stomach. I feel my breath hitch, as he inches closer to my heat. “May I?” he tugs at my shorts.

“Mhm,” I nod eagerly, watching him.

He slowly pulls them off, peppering my thighs with warm kisses. I sigh at the feeling, biting my lip in excitement. He takes off my underwear slowly and I kick them off, tired of his teasing.

“Eager aren’t you,” he chuckles, lowering himself down to press a kiss against my heat.

I let out a sigh of pleasure, “Very.” He looks up at me with eyes asking for permission and I giggle, nodding.

His fingers slid up and down my folds, eventually moving against my clit. I throw my head back at the touch, “Please Tommy,” I mutter.

He fills me with his fingers and tugs at my clit with his lips. He continues at it until my breathing gets heavier and my moans get louder. He pulls his hands away and I whimper at the loss of contact. 

I breathe heavily and stare at him. “Fuck!” I gasp as he dives into my heat, lapping at my juices. I feel my stomach tighten and I grip his hair, edging him to keep going.

I feel him smirk against me, going even faster while holding down my hips that kept moving. “Close baby?” he hums, sending vibrations through me.

“Yup,” I breathe out, “God, Tom!” I moan quietly, as he adds in his fingers once against pushing me off the edge. I let go and release all over his fingers. 

He grins and brings his fingers to his lips, “You taste divine,” he praises.

I bite my lip, sitting up and place my hands on his chest, bringing them down low to his bulge, “Can I return the favor?”

“How about next time flower,” he pushes back down on the bed, “I just want to be inside you. If you don’t mind, of course.”

“Of course not,” I bring my hands to the hem of his pants, helping him take them off.

He slips off his boxers causing his shaft to spring out. I watch in shock, making him blush.

“Let me grab the condom,” he mutters, still a bit flustered from my gaze. I only hum in response, as he reaches over me and grabs a condom from the drawer next to the bed.

“Can I?” I ask, holding out my hand.

He gulps and nods, handing it to me. I rip the package open and prepare the condom. I press my lips against his, kissing him deeply and slide the condom agonizingly slow on his shaft. 

He moans into my mouth, “Shit, that’s so hot darling.” I wrap my arms around his neck and he lowers us both back down on the bed, “Hundred percent sure?”

“Hundred percent,” I connect my lips with his once again and he slides into me slowly, grunting. I whimper at the feeling, “Oh fuck.”

“You’re so,” he breathes out not being able to finish his sentence, placing his forehead on my shoulder and continues to slide back and forth inside me.

“So good Tommy,” I moan, my hands finding their way into his hair, “Mmph, go faster please.”

“Yeah?” he mutters and I nod, “Okay,” he groans and begins to pick up the speed.

I mewl at the sensation, gripping and tugging at his hair. “I’ve been dreaming of this,” I mumble.

“You mean this isn’t a dream?” he chuckles airily, continuing at a good pace. “Because you’re a dream,” he begins to bottom out.

I feel my eyes close and my back arch, “Such a sap, just kiss me,” I giggle.

He listens and kisses me, his hands massaging my breasts as he begins to slam into me. I moan out loudly and he glances at me warningly, “It’s late.”

“I know, but you’re so fucking good-” I hum. He chuckles and presses his lips against mine passionately, shutting me up.

“God, I’m so close,” he pulls away from my lips, moaning.

“Me too, almost there,” I squeak.

“Fuck,” he groans into my ear, burying himself inside me.

“Thomas!” I whimper feeling my legs shake and my stomach tightening, coming for him once more.

He collapses next to me breathing heavily. I turn over to him, curling at his side, “See, I’m not scared of the old web shooter,” I grin.

He laughs softly, wrapping his arms around me, “I’m so proud,” he teases, kissing my forehead. “We should clean up now,” he walks off to his bathroom and grabs some towels.

After doing so we get back in his bed. I pull up the covers over our bodies, “Maybe quarantine isn’t that bad,” I cuddle into him.

“Maybe,” he holds me close.

taglist

@rcmxnoff , @annamckayla , @elsie512 , @zoey-one-oh-fun , @spideyparkerstark , @lidixbug , @tomholland-mcu , @cyrusandhiscollaredahirts , @holywater-burns , @pluckypete , @lovewolfspirit , @sky-cosplay , @janieavalos , @averyfosterthoughts , @ivvitm1109 , @yoinkyourheart , @tomsppsleeve

[welcome-to-jupiter]

I decided to keep a piercing log because I have a few and Im planning on getting alot more, so if people are getting a piercing they can read real time issues and perks

(I have a nose piercing but Im going to hold off writing that one because it's really old and im not sure how well i'll remember it and I am planning on getting another so ill write that one in real time)

Lobe: most basic piercing, got my seconds done within the last year so I felt confident I could remember. Total pain at worst: 1/10

day one: Got it done at claires, was a little scared because I prefer needles over guns and my last gun encounter was with my firsts which i got as a wee baby but all together you really dont feel it go in. site was a little sore but v easily tolerable, sleeping was a little no bueno because it was done on both sides so if you are a side or stomach sleeper it hurt, but easy solution I found was get an airplane neck pillow, then you can sleep with your ear in the hole

Day 2+: felt sore for 3-4 days, had to clean for 2 months but I stopped after about 1 because Im lazy and forgetful, took about 2-3 weeks for everything to look and feel normal, no swelling, redness, or pain

Industrial: Got this one about 8 months ago, along with the daith it's considered to be the most painful ear piercing you can get also considered to be the most prone to rejection. Total pain at worst: 7/10

Day one: definitely felt the needle going in, but still tolerable, right afterwards it felt really really hot, and it was super achey, I definitely complained a lot. It would be a good idea to not get an industrial on the same side you sleep on, but I did, I had to change the side I slept on for a while

Day two+: it was really hot for 2-3 days and still sore for 2-3 weeks, it was fine for about the first month but then I started to develop keloids on every exit point both insides and outsides, I treated them with tea tree oil, both the back ones and the outside front one went away in a few weeks with the tea tree oil. the inside one on the front was a different story though, I learned shortly after the others were gone that that one was in fact infected, and i learned that because while i was cleaning it i pushed on it harder than usual with the qtip and it popped, resulting in some gross liquids coming out, but it proceeded to shrink up after that so i suppose all it needed was to be emptied and in the picture you can see its still working on repairing itself. It was definitely rough having long hair, that liked to get tangledin it so be wary of that. Had to clean it for at least 6 months, I stopped after about 3 or 4, it took about 4 months for everything to go back to normal

Sternum: got this two days ago, also what triggered me to start writing a piercing log. I got a surface bar. Total pain at worst: 6/10

Day 1: Needle pinched a little, not as easy as lobe but not as bad as industrial, this one was probably the most painful when it came to putting the jewelry in because with a surface bar they put the bar in first then put the jewelry tops on, and the bar kinda tries to sink into the skin so my piercer has to pull it up so its tugging on the freshly pierced skin. If you are a side or stomach sleeper then at least on the first night, sleeping will be damn near impossible, I think i got in maybe 2 hours, because you have to sleep on your back, ibuprofen does help after the first night but that first night will be awful. Another note, Ive never felt that I NEEDED to have perfect posture before now, when you slouch it tugs the piercing and it looks as though its like receding back into your skin which is not ideal. Four month update: unfortunately because i got mine so low on my sternum it had just too many complications, i had to remove it, but i will be getting it repierced higher up at a later date

Day 2+: In terms of post piercing soreness it definitely isnt as bad as the industrial, but this is the first piercing ive taken ibuprofen for, because the sternum has alot of movement with it so i was essentially rendered icapacitated for the first day as I fought with my pride on whether or not i needed the ibuprofen. By the third day I was having some issues with it, I am by no means a small/boney girl, I have a heafty layer of fat, so mine was having issues because it wasnt sitting right on the bone instead it was suspended in my skin, so it started to sink, I had to go in and get the top jewel swapped out for something bigger that could hold its own better. 3 weeks in Im finding it to be a bit sore, not your typical fresh piercing soreness, it only seems to happen when i sleep on itor on my side even though its three weeks old, hopefully it will get better as it heals more.

6 week update after sternum: It feels completely fine for the most part now ive stopped cleaning it every single day and more just when it looks like it needs it, one downside to the sternum is unlike other piercings when you accidentally knock it or tug it and the area is completely isolated, this is in the middle of your chest and it causes like an achey pulsing feeling to spread all over your chest

As a final note, this post is just to explain the process and feelings I went through with each of my piercings, I know I always hate it when I have a friend who has a piercing i like and want and I ask them about it and all they say is "it didnt hurt at all and you should definitely get it" no piercing doesnt hurt at all so I wanted to point out just what to look forward to if you are getting any of these piercings, its not to turn you away just to help you learn whats in store, I would still get all of these all over again,

[arckyy]

Day 35

You said you texted me on discord but i never received it. It didnt appear for you either. I was waiting to hear from you for a long time. It's only 5 days but it felt like eternity for me. I said this "And the more i think about it, The more i questions myself why. Why would u reject something healthy just to start something new with someone who is toxic? Ur used to toxicity. You and my sister are the same. Her husband beats her up, She's not happy with it but she still stayed because she loves him but she lives to question herself every single day. Sooner or later, She'll fall into depression. Nothing i can do about that too. I gave you everything. Everything was handed to you. Everything i told you wasnt a lie. But you chose to not believe me. You chose to overthink. Those times that i was overthinking, I didnt say anything. Worried you might leave me the moment i open up my mouth. Im a straight forward person. But im becareful with what i say because i know ur fragile. I am even more fragile than you are. You made mistakes, I blame it on myself. You overthink, I made it my problems and still blame it on me. I loved you more than anything else in my life. Now im suffering. Havent paid my r1 installment also. I didnt tell you i needed money because you had alot on your plate. I cared for you. I defended your name when everyone else wanted you out of my life. I couldnt live without you and i told atiq something which made him super upset. I told him im sorry but months or years down the road if she wants me back, Im gonna accept her no matter what. That's the love i have for you. Because this is really my last. Im not moving on. I gave you my all but you break me in two. You chose to believe things that isnt true. Whatever you said, I read it through properly and know that ur overthinking but again, I put the blame on me. No matter what you did, I let it slip and loved you again and again. But you dont believe anything i say because ur overthinking. I didnt do anything to put us at risk. I did everything to make everything right including throwing people away. Now im stuck here forever.."

"Communication is key but only when you understand it". I understood it. I just couldn't be away from you for too long. I just wanted to talk to you. Know how you're feeling. Even though you wanted to be away from me for a little while. I mean no harm..

I didnt mean it in a bad way again. The reasons why i blamed it on myself, is because i hurt you in the first place. I told you before that whatever pain you're feeling, I was gonna put myself in that too. But i guess you misunderstood me. I didn't mean that I'm blaming you for becoming like this. I was just trying to understand why you did what you did and at the same time telling you to know what i've done too. Scared you're overthinking thinking that there is someone else again. I told you what i did because basically it's just me telling you indirectly that there is no one else but you. That i mean when i say i'll break when you're gone. I understand what you're going through. I understand that you want to be alone. But i just can't let you be. I've grown so attached to you. I'm obsessed with you..

You've deleted discord or i think you did. You unfollowed me on twitter. You unfollowed me on instagram. You blocked me on facebook. Normal call and text messages are blocked. You've blocked me on telegram too. There is no way i can find out how you're doing now.. It kills me..

I dont know if you're reading this. If i stopped writing, It means that i'm gone. It's not because of you. It's because of me. No one will ever replace you, D. I love you till the end of my days and when there is no hope left for me, I'm sorry sayang. I will wait for you as long as im still here. Before i bury myself 6ft deep and 2ft wide, I hope they keep my hands to my heart. Imagining you and azka are in my hands. I'll watch both of you from above. Keeping you both safe at all times. If i get to heaven first before you, I'm saving you and azka a seat. Till then my baby, Take care <3

Take your time little one. Im still here. It will be okay

[semi-friendly-emo]

About Me~

1. Full name

Ashley Marie D (not putting last name)

2. Zodiac sign

Libra

3. 3 fears

Being Rejected, Spiders, and The Unknown

4. 3 things I love

My pets, Forensic/Crime cases, and Music

5. My best friend

Sgt. Henrald....my little hedgehog who I recently lost. He was my parrot on my shoulder and my comfort. I was planning on getting him certified as an Emotional Support Animal because he made me feel so loved.

6. Last song I listened to

Kill the DJ--Green Day

7. 3 Turn ons

Confidence, neck kisses, and Loyalty

8. 3 Turn offs

Self-Centered Attitudes, No Career Plan, and Inconsistency

9. What colour underwear I’m wearing right now

Gray and White

10. How many tattoos/piercings do I have

2 Tattoos: Rafiki from The Lion King on my right ankle with his quote “it doesnt matter its in the past” & A Heart on my left foot by my pinky toe its made of a cat and dog with rainbow watercolor behind it (its a memorial for my pets)

4 Piercings: First & Second hole, 2 Cartilage on my right ear

11. The reason I started blogging

I felt so alone and when I feel rejected, I hyperfocus on my interests so blogging let’s me do exactly that without having to be me.

12. How I feel right now

Sad, Alone, Scared, Confused, Unloved, and Heartbroken because I’m watching AHS and Twisty just died in the last episode I’m not over it.

13. Something I really really want

To be loved

14. My current relationship status

Single

15. Meaning behind my URL

I love roses and the rain. I was listening to “Still Breathing by Green Day” and a lyric said “'Cause I'm still breathing on my own My head's above the rain and roses” and I just had this feeling that I needed to make that my label to recover.

16. My favourite movie

Iron Man....First one the second sucked the third is great but OG for the win

17. My favourite song

Lately....Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea by Fall Out Boy

18. My favourite band

DON’T MAKE ME PICK....It’s between Panic! At The Disco and Fall Out Boy

19. 3 Things that upset me

Being Ignored, Talk I am Dramatic/Lying, and Failing

20. 3 Things that make me happy

My Pets, Music, and The Night Sky

21. What I find attractive in other people

Eyes!!!!! A persons eyes will never change and they will tell you all there is to know about a person.

22. Someone I miss

Sgt. Henrald even though he was a hedgehog. I also miss my ex from my posts, he has been there for me through so much this past 2 months so his lack of presence hurts.

23. Someone I love

Pete Wentz. Let me explain: He is also Bipolar 1 so his lyrics tend to express his inner demons that I also have. He attempted suicide early in FOB’s career and has since talked about it to help those who feel death is the answer. He wrote “What a Catch, Donnie” to promise Patrick that he’d never try suicide again. He loves his children more than the world and has said they are his happy pills they cured his sadness. He saw Patrick be uncomfortable in a photoshoot because Patrick was heavier at the time and gave him the classic fedora telling him that he would be safe under the hat and that built up Patrick’s confidence. He was signed talent most known Panic! At The Disco (2018 Went is 38 and Urie is 30. When signed Urie was 17 so Went at 25 was signing on such young talent). I can go on forever but the point is, Pete Went saved me. When I was diagnosed Bipolar 1 a few weeks back, the only thing that made me feel human was the MANIA album because it explained what I was dealing with.

24. My relationship with my parents

Comical. Parents never married so visitation all my childhood. Turned 18 my dad walked out of my life and has since called ONCE in 2 years only to demand an apology from me. He knew of my massive surgery and never once asked me how I was doing. My mom, let’s just say once I graduate college next year I am moving out of state.

25. My favourite holiday

HALLOWEEN

26. My closest blogging friend

@dying-inner-light tbh emos gotta stick together

27. Someone famous I’d date

So many...Sebastian Stan or Tom Hiddleston if I have to limit it down.

28. A confession

I am completely numb and I know I will stay this way till I feel loved in any sense. Since losing my hedgehog I have gone blank.

29. 3 Things that annoy me easily

Loud Noises, Not Listening, and Repeating Myself

30. My favourite animal

Pandas or Turtles

31. My pets

Jet (aka Pudgy Butt yes he answers to this more than Jet) he is my rescue dog 8years old breed ????

Hunter (aka Boogie/Booger/Jimbo Jones): I only say Jimbo Jones when I'm pissed at him thats his name from the humane society. He is my cat and  will be 11 years old in May but sadly his twin sister left us last May which he became distraught over.

Holly (aka Buddha): she is my 10 year old forever kitten. her legs are stubby so she looks dwarfed but shes THICC hence Buddah.

Flora (aka Florence when she is bad): THIS IS MY BABY shes my kitten who will be 1 year on April 2nd. She is a ‘special snowflake’ she has grand maul seizures with no medical explanation (brain MRI’s and tests not one answer to the seizures or her ‘specialness’).

Cotton & Candy: my sisters little hamsters but Cotton is mine.

32. One thing I’ve lied about

Being Okay

33. Something that’s currently worrying me

Being Alone Forever

34. An embarrassing moment

Food running once and I have the plate in my hands and when I turned around the sandwich and chips when flying across the kitchen and the whole BOH saw.

35. Where I work

TGI Friday’s

36. Something that’s constantly on my mind

Why people walk out?

37. 3 Habits I have

Turning off all the lights no matter the time, Getting to a place crazy early, and Having music on 90% of the time or else I get anxious

38. My future goals

Move to PA, Be a Forensic Anthropologist, Get married, Have kids, and Hope for the best.

39. Something I fantasise about

Wedding Day

40. My favourite store

Hot Topic (are you shocked though ?)

41. My favourite food

Mac and Cheese

42. What I did yesterday

Watched Netflix because I was sent home from work.

43. Something I’m talented at

Remembering fact about serial killers and forensic identifications

44. My idea of the perfect date

Movie Night in with take out and fairy lights

45. My celebrity crush

No shame....Robert Downey Jr.

46. My favourite blog

I don’t really have a favorite? Any blog that isnt racist, sexist, condoning, and hateful is my favorite.

47. Number of kids I want

2 or 3. I am also going to say the names I like because why not: Alice, Nova, Roseline, Stella, and Dahlia. Dominic, Anthony, Orian, Sebastian, and Levi.

48. Do I smoke/drink

Smoke no unless you count armomatherapy pens but its not actual smoking just looks like it.

Drink: fuck yea

49. One word that describes me

Odd

50. My favourite quote

Remember Who You Are-Mufasa

[vesii]

http://www.newsweek.com/kansas-gops-vote-against-transgender-people-part-worrying-trend-821087

What the actual hell? Transitioning saves the lives of trans people. Not to mention that this is violating their pursuit of happiness, life, and liberty. non "passable" trans people are at a very high risk of sexual assault, physical assault, and murder. Theyre also at risk for serious, SERIOUS major depression, anxiety agoraphobia, etc. But lets just pretend all of that doesnt exist. Its just the person and their body. Gender Dysphoria (also known as a living inescapable lifelong nightmare, but we'll get to that.) is a thing that most trans people experience, which is the mind rejecting the physical body because of either aspects that are too feminine, or too masculine. Cis people can experience this, to an extent, when parts of their body is either too masculine or feminine. Say a man gets gynecomastia from a medication  and grows C cup breasts. Do you think hes just gonna say "well it is what it is" or is he gonna be really uncomfortable with his body and try to get rid of or hide his breasts? Probably the latter. Or imagine a woman around puberty starts growing a full blown beard (not just some stubble under the chin, i mean an actual full face of hair). This does happen to some women, some are okay with it, others are made very uncomfortable by it. Do you think that shes just gonna let it grow despite feeling like her body is wrong and was not made for her, or do you think shes gonna shave and pursue laser hair removal while trying to balance out her hormone levels?   Okay, now to my own experience. Basically my experience with gender dysphoria is this. I didnt realize anything until about puberty when my depression skyrocketed and i didnt know why i felt so hopeless and trapped inside of my body. I didnt know why i hated it so much, my hands got bigger, my feet got bigger, my shoulders got wider, my voice got deeper. It only took me a couple of months to realize why i felt so horrible, but when i did i was terrified. I didnt want to grow into a man's body. My brain isnt meant for that. I didnt know there was anything i could do.I was just so terrified that i was gonna grow up and be one of those ostracized hairy men with the dress and hooker makeup who get made fun of on tv. I literally didnt want to live in my skin. I was terrified. So for a couple more months with this dwelling in my mind, i tried to use the internet to find out how i could ever look like a woman without the people around me thinking or saying "ew an ugly man in a dress" or "hideous shemale tranny" whenever i left my house. All i could find was crossdressing websites meant for performing drag queens. (this was only in 2015 and the lack of resources for people like me now who are scared and confused is terrifying.) I also tried to stop being trans and ignore it, which just made everything worse. But then i finally found something worthwhile. I found that theres a thing called hormone replacement therapy, where they either replace testosterone with estrogen by blocking androgen receptors and adding estradiol hemihydrate/valerate. I literally was astounded at the discovery of this, and i started looking up youtubers who had done this. and for most of them, you could not tell unless you had a very trained eye that they either were born as a man or as a woman. I was astounded at this. it was 2016 and i literally couldnt believe this existed. But then the doubt hit me again. "this is probably really rare" or "this is probably dangerous" or "this is probably just for really liberal areas, nowhere near me" all of these things were wrong. There was a clinic an hour north of me, my family insurance covers it, and in 2 years when i turned 16 (which i am now) Ill be allowed to. Its effective, safe and cheap. Now i have an appointment set for just over a month in the future for counseling. If 2 years ago I hadnt found out that there was hope for me to be even slightly happier in the future and to live my true self, i literally wouldnt be here. Thats not an exaggeration. That alone kept me going for another year. Itll fix some parts of my body that make my head scream at me when i see them. Itll make my hips wider, chest bigger, skin softer, relocate facial fat, make my hairline go down some, change the way my emotional center in my brain responds to things, and i will love ALL of it. Itll make me feel like myself. But if i were that 13 year old confused and depressed kid searching the internet for a strand of hope that i could feel, look, and be normal and happy, just to find that literally everything that would have ever helped me is now illegal? Hah. Nope. Bye. Literally cant even explain how terrible that would have been. I would have probably died on the spot of cardiac arrest. This is not okay. This is not ethical. This is going to kill thousands of trans people and trans kids. This is genocide, in the most deceptive and heartless way possible. By making them do it themselves by taking away every hope and dream that they have to feel okay with themselves. This is very bad.

[mikecardenmpreg]

recovery, etc.

so its been just about a year since i got back into therapy and i just want to say this because i didnt make it clear enough when it happened. when i went in for my intake session last december, they wanted to hospitalize me. like. that day. right then. they didnt even want to finish the interview. they just wanted to admit me. because people reporting numbers like mine were in hospitals on suicide watch. they did not want me to leave the premises. i had to assure them that i wasnt going to kill myself (even though i knew that wasnt a promise i could make). i had to sign a CONTRACT promising i would not kill myself before my first therapy session. the intake specialist was skeptical but he let me go (though he had no idea how i was able to function on a daily basis - jokes on him though because i wasnt functioning at all). he had a look in his eye that told me he wasnt sure letting my leave was a good idea. when i went to my first therapy session with ann a few weeks later, she also wanted to hospitalize me and again i found myself assuring someone i didnt know that i wasnt going to kill myself (and that still wasnt a promise i could make). a year ago i was so sick that i was nearly hospitalized for my own safety and for the safety of others. i smiled and joked and laughed through it all. i reblogged relatable sad posts. i tried not to make it seem like it really bothered me. but i was barely hanging on. 

i got my diagnosis on december 13th. i didnt talk to ann much but i told her just enough for her to deduce i had bpd. its something i knew for at least two years. i sat with my knees to my chest the entire session, uttering a few words here and there, picking at the fraying knees of my jeans. she took notes. she told me my numbers were concerning, that people with numbers like these are generally in inpatient care. i stared. nothing behind my eyes. i was a shell. she said “hopefully next time we meet youll be more comfortable with me and we can talk some more”. i felt like an asshole for sitting there and wasting her time. i thought i was a lost cause. i thought there was no way i was gonna get better.

and for the longest time i didnt. i was hurting so much. i was separated from all my friends and still dealing with the aftermath of not one but two absolutely devastating (at the time) rejections. i wanted to kill myself so badly but didnt have the means to do it efficiently and effectively (ive always been too scared to actually try to kill myself in case it didnt work - something ive told my therapist). i felt like the biggest fucking loser. i remembered the summer of 2012 and thinking (back then) that there was no way i could feel worse than i did then. i was wrong. how i felt in december 2016 through january-march 2017 was the worst ive ever felt in my entire life. looking back its mostly static. dont remember a lot of it. all i remember is being angry and suicidal and wanting to hurt everyone around me.

in april i started dbt. it took awhile for me to get into the class. ann had me take other classes to help cope with my other problems (anxiety mostly) and helped me process some of my issues until i could get into dbt. borderline is a little out of her area of expertise but she knows how to listen and is very very good at validating all my little hang ups (i love my therapist).

it took me a few weeks to see the value in dbt. for the first few months all it did was dredge up old shit and trigger me until i was hollow and numb. every week it felt like i was being ripped open and flayed. every week i got to relive a different traumatic memory. every week i disassociated to keep myself safe in this room of strangers (who were also disassociating to keep themselves safe). (disassociation is not a healthy coping mechanism) 

but then i went on medication for my depression and anxiety and the combination of that, dbt, and regular therapy sessions actually began to like work? like? thats wild? and i started to see changes in my life because i was learning how to communicate appropriately and deal with my trauma effectively. and i stopped dwelling on the things that made me feel bad and started diving in to the things that made me feel good. i started spending more time with friends and reaching out and actually putting an effort into being a better friend. i started being honest and open with my parents about my progress rather than being super secretive and hiding things. and somehow the constant stress dreams and nightmares and violent thoughts and suicidal ideations stopped. i was finally able to enjoy things again. i was even able to spend time with my parents and actually enjoy it. hell i even looked forward to seeing them and talking to them (which is a really fucking big deal).

there have been slip ups along the way. things have happened that have really bent me out of shape. but i was able to deal with those things and recover. last december i was prepared to ruin every relationship i had. i told my parents to not come to my graduation. i almost deleted all my friends phone numbers and unfollowed them on all social media so i never had to speak to them again. i was ready to isolate myself from everyone so that when i killed myself (which i was getting ready to do) i wouldnt hurt anyone.

im not gonna say that i cant believe that person then and the person i am now are the same people because i can absolutely believe it. there are times when i want to go back to my old ways because regressing is a lot easier than constant progress. and getting better doesnt always have 100% positive results. ive learned a lot about myself and others along the way. ive had to sever ties. ive learned that some people arent capable of change. ive learned that sometimes taking a break from the people you love the most is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for them). ive had to have hard conversations because getting better has forced me to learn that you gotta actually work for what you want. 

i havent been perfect this whole time either. i still havent learned how to value my own feelings over the feelings of others or how to accept that other people care about me. im sure some day i will. a year of therapy isnt going to fix everything. but some day ill have a breakthrough.

the whole point of this though is that if i can make it through my darkest moments and turn my shit around....anyone can. but its important to know beforehand that its a process. nothing happens overnight. nothing happens in a month. recovery is something you have to work at day and night for the rest of your life. its something you have to want. it doesnt come easy and its not pleasant. its not all soothing baths and flowers and handwritten journals. its crying and screaming and addressing your past traumas and welcoming them into your home like theyre family (and then accepting that they happened but not letting them dictate your every move). its being honest - brutally honest - with not only yourself but with others. its letting go of people you love and learning to exist in the void of loneliness (until the people you love learn to accept the new you). its showing up every week (or month or whatever) and saying something for once, even if you think its stupid, even if you think its irrelevant. recovery is ongoing. im about to finish my first year. i still have a lot of work to do and im actually kind of excited to do it? which is cool considering my contingency plan has always been to kill myself.

anyway. i just wanted to say that. i dont pat myself on the back very often but ive accomplished a lot this last year. and not gonna lie but ive referred to myself as “most improved patient” in my head multiple times these past few months. im in a pretty okay place right now. im glad im still here (despite the world getting worse literally every day). im glad i have people i can share that with. and i hope some day soon i can return the love and support ive been given tenfold :)

[sad-mamas]

so i was thinking about writing this all day but i didnt have the chance or whatever. anyways i woke up this lovely morning in a depressed ass mood. nothing out of the ordinary, right? well yeah but there was actually a reason for it. that reason is the reason i dont get cute anymore or go shopping, or interact with really anyone anymore. Drugs. it sucks to admit but i am addicted to drugs. now i wont get to specific on what types of drugs but the point is its the hardcore shit. i never thought i would ever get mixed up in any of that and for a while i was actually enjoying doing the drugs.even now that i am out of my mood i feel like it aint too bad. but anyway many people think there is like some deep hidden reason people do drugs and honestly sometimes theres not. i started because i was bored. i dont wanna hear that its the people i associate with or any other bullshit like that. i have a choice, i always do. anyways i was thinking about all the shit ive binged on such as drugs, weed and alcohol. my favorite being alcohol but the drugs make me feel really shitty if i drink so i dont drink anymore. i replaced one habit with another. weed is always great but yesterday the drugs really fucking hit me and not like a good hit from this shit but like a revelation type shit. i was physically feeling ill and yet i kept hitting this shit cause it made me go fucking numb. like mentally numb. like all the shits i ever gave about anything went away. I was physically feeling so sick that i think i could’ve overdosed but luckily i was out of money. I am not ashamed to talk with people about the shit im going through its me and its real. So the point of this post isnt to talk about my drug addiction necessarily but its interrelated with my mental issues. I have borderline personality disorder. this shit sucks, i would suggest you look it up for a deeper knowledge on it or not. idc. but I was starting to wonder why i was getting so depressed again even though ive been taking my birth control to help with all that (I have pmdd too). Its the drugs fucking up my perception of things. people with bpd find themselves attached to people for a sense of security yet those same people are the one they bash on and hate. this is called idealization and devaluation. this is why i never leave or cling onto people. youre the greatest person in the world until youre not. i have this person in my life rn and people confuse it with obsession or being in love and thats far from it. it makes me feel secure and when this person validates me i feel on top of the world but the slightest change in tone or behavior that resembles anything to rejection can send me down a spiral. these people are called “favorite person”. i dont like this at all but i cant help it. ive tried trust me. having bpd means i get bored easily. i find that i am trying to find my identity yet it doesnt seem to exist. I have this strong fear of abandonment. i know everyone will leave its just a matter of when. there is so much to my behavior that if you really stopped to look at it everything about me would make sense. Idk if you believe in mental illness or not but for me this is my reality. I fear that my favorite person is going to leave me someday and it scares me to think about that. so i sabotage it by being a bitch so they can prove me right. i dont mean to be like this but i am. now in relation to the drugs when i a under the influence of anything that is when i can talk about my feelings and not be scared of rejection. thats why i continue to follow that kind of life. my goal is to stay as clean as possible. my mood changes so much that all of this might be up in smoke by the time you read it. i dont know how else to talk about what i feel. which is why i am always quite when youre around. and i know that you hate this shit cause i wont talk to you directly but i dont want to be rejected. and i hope my favorite person reads this and can understand better because otherwise i wouldnt know how to bring this up. no i am not in love with you or even have any type of feelings for you romantically anymore i just need you to help me feel secure in this world and all that means is being understanding rather than making it seem like i am crazy, tho i do recognize that already. and maybe youre not up for that and i get it no one is. i picked you as my favorite person unintentionally it just happens. there is something i see in certain people that draws me towards them and makes me want them around forever even if its abusive im trying very hard to work on that but i havent done a very good job.

sorry if this seems scattered or idk whatever but i felt like i needed to get all of this out.

[ace2light]

felt so down..

i wanted to talk to people so badly. by people, i meant those whom i am close with. super close with, esp him. i do have ppl whom are extremely close to me. but i dont dare to approach them due to as follows: 

poon: he is with his friends, he wont have the time to entertain me also, well, there were times i couldnt control myself and texted him, i got a single word ‘ok’, i know where i stand, i backed off. i switched off my phone literally. idw to have more disappointment in my alrdy bad and sad mood. rather than unknowingly text him and anticipate he would at least ask how i am. i rather not meet with such a disappointment. well if he knows that i am really trying my best to cope with my feelings and thoughts, he would auto read this without me telling him. cos if i dont spam him, i go to insta, if i dont go to insta, i come to tumblr. these are the ways i penned down how i feel and what i think when there is no one to talk to me, no one whom i can chat with. 

steph: in gasglow, i dont want her to be burden with my issues. she will know when she returns when we catch up anws. 

chanel and jiawen: we are drifting apart. they are the ppl i joke ard with but no longer the ones whom i find to rant about. as i always hang out with poon, i dw them to feel i treat bf more than i treat my bff. i dont want them ti feel they are spare tyre. 

sheena and sam: i scared i make them feel overwhelm with my issues. plus sheena is no coping well alrdy, idw to add to her problems. 

mum: she no longer is my close listening ears. i nvr tell her many things, in fact, i nvr say much about myself anymore, except rant about dad to her. other than that, nth. idw her to worry about me, esp my studies. i didnt tell her i wasnt coping well in school lately also. she’s too busy dealing with my dad anws. 

dylan: he is a gd friend, but then i am not comfy telling him too many things. 

xx: i lose the position to rant to him. before i got into a relationship, he was always there when i was feeling down. be it normal classes whereby i am feeling sad or stress, he will buy me oreo (altho he say his house got unlimited supplies, so many times, he think i believe meh). he can chat with me for the entire night when i was feeling so lost about some issues in the past. he takes care of me like a little sis. often he is the one who can notice i am sad and try ways to make me happy. i always treated him as my bro. he is like my younger/older bro. because of many reasons, i distant myself from him. i dont want poon to be jelly about xx and me, neither do i want to make xx feel sad, so the best way is to distant from him. 

it has been long since i felt like cutting myself. thankfully that feeling happens when i was on a cab, i have no access to pen knife. if not idk what would happen to myself. honestly, i just wanna just rot in bed tmr, i dont feel like meeting anyone, but cos i promise alrdy, i have to appear.. 

it is getting worst, i overthink. i overthink in my sleep also. idw to. idk how to tell my brain to gimme a break. i really wanna break free from overthinking. i even woke up from a worst case scenario about poon me and my parents. i was awaken by this dream today, it scares me but i didnt share with him. 

what i feel now. towards poon. yes, i am his gf. apart from saying ‘i love u’, he technically did nth thru out the entire day i was down. i understand that he is with his friend. but i am feeling too low to even be considerate about it. at least, talk to me abit? make me feel a bit btr instead of just ‘i love u’? i know u love me and you mean it, but in times of this, too much of such phrases makes me feel i am not impt. i am just a person whom you have to say ‘i love u’ to a few times a day. for so long, i havent felt so lonely on terms of texting. i am a heavy texter to ppl whom i am comfortable in. he is one of them. i always felt a bit sad that when i am awake, he is asleep, why cant fate let him have a normal sleeping time? i really wish he was at least awake to text me when i am on my way to school or in school.. yes, he blame me that i didnt call him up or wake him up, but certain things, it doesnt comes from me, it takes his effort, not just mine. i mean if a person is asleep, what for wake him up for a casual chat esp when the reason is i am bored? this is so unreasonable. 

just ytd issue. btn poon and me. when i started to put in more trust in him, he shakes it again. i trusted him to come meet me with monster also, in fact, i anticipated that, that was the encouragement i told myself, the only reason that keep me awake. the thought of my bf visiting me and delivering a drink i needed so badly that day. end up, he did come (make me feel i am his priority but i was guilty). before that, i was comtrolling my temper not to rage at him. honestly, what does he mean. well if i was in his shoes, it is very simple. come to the gf then meet his friends afterwards. cos he promise the gf to come alrdy, but didnt promise the gf to wait for her after her test. what was promise first should be carried out, what is so hard about it? for me, personally, whoever i made a promise with first, i go with the promise first. unless that person is fking impt to me, which is him, whenever he wants to meet last minute, i have to push some of my plans away just to meet him. i really hope he knows it is hard for me to lie all the time, i dont have so much lies in me to hide from my parents all the time. and in order to make a lie, i have plan ahead, if it is so last minute, i cant think of a perfect reason to lie. but he doesnt get it? he seems to take it for granted that i can meet him any time sometimes, that is what i feel. sometimes, i have to get back home early cos i cnt go home too late. one is my fears of going home alone late at night, second is i cant see shit at night, three my mum is worried for me too. one more thing, shouldnt he pull me into the conversation instead of asking me to try on my own? isnt it easier for him to pull me into a conversation with his friends rather than i awkwardly ask them weird qns? i just hate it when he force me to talk, and if i dont, he would get upset, like srsly, i didnt talk for a reason okay. 

well i do appreciate his efforts, waking up before i go and caring for me. but if he’s gonna ignore me or forget about me when he is with his friends, i rather he dont show me i am his priority. cos it is fking hard to deal with when he isnt there to reply me all the time, reply as in a continuous conversation not a single word of trying to brush me off, yes, it might be a form of acknowledgement of it to me. but then, if i rant to him, do i really need an acknowledgement? hmm, i doubt so. i hate spamming him my feelings my thoughts cos he reads but dont reply me one by one, i hate that. if i tell you my feelings and thoughts fking reply, rants, at least tell me sth instead of a word ‘i reply later cos i chatting or gaming with my friends’ is still btr than a word, but ofc, make sure he replies afterwards lah, if not the words has no meaning. 

it is so hard to not text a person whom you text all the time a day. it is not i didnt wanna text, i am so fking tired and disappoointed at the nonchalant, okay not even nonchalant reply, just a word answer seems like i am disturbing him and brushing me off. i tried to text him, but if i am gonna get a word, what for i continue, sometimes it is not i didnt wanna spam. it’s just i know he wont reply to every single thing, so i am avoiding that disappointment. it takes two hands to clap, he want me to do this, then prove to me, it is worth it. like spamming, you want me to spam, then reply everything lah, i know i say b4 he need not necessarily reply everything but who doesnt want to be replied, if not send for what? 

he always wanted me to text him ‘i want him now’, why would i text a person asleep that? does he knows how much courage it takes for me to ask for things i want?  for almost 10 years, i havent been living for myself, i live for others, i nvr really requested a lot of things. idk how and i fear rejections, imagine mustering tons of courage then got rejected. hell no am i gonna make myself suffer that. best eg, first time i asked him to bring me sth that is extremely out of his way for me, he came but didnt fulfil the things i want. seeing him makes me not angry but the sadness doesnt disappear. 

i am like this now cos i want him to talk to me, even if it is for 2 mins, show that he tries to understand how i feel now. but nah, nope, i had enough of dissapointment today. i aint gonna on my phone until tmr. if he is late for tmr, i am so gonna ignore him for a day. 

as much as i wanna blame him for having fun and forgot about me. but i cnt. 

enough of him.

what cause me so sad and down. it is like i am awake but i aint doing my work. i dont have the energy to do so. i am so tired of everything. 

academic failure. is extremely strong when i failed my CT. 

stress. i m dealing with so many in schools but no one exactly knows what i am going thru. 

home: i have to smile to maintain i am okay feels. one not to let my parents worry and not to anger them. 

friends: i dgaf about them alrdy. i dont have the mood to deal with them. 

him: i am just idk, extremely sad and dissapointed about it, how he acts/ treats me these 2 days, esp today. 

wtv happens next, tonight, i wont gurantee. whether i harm myself or not. i cant be sure. controlling it is so hard. death to me aint scary, what i am scared of is the sadness ppl felt if i harm myself. 

dont blame me to disappear. if he shown more effort, i wouldn't have disappeared due to sadness and disappointment. actually, would he even know i disappear? 

or maybe, i havent been okay, cos i felt neglected by him... apart from my parents, only one more person can me feel so dead when i am alrdy unhappy, which worsen my sadness. 

IF HE HAPPENS TO FIND TILL HERE, I SALUTE HIM COS I DONT EXPECT HIM AT ALL. which implies he knows how to find me when i dissapear. 

[unpopular-bishop]

i've realized why i'm still upset with duen and all it took was an awful night's sleep!!

the bohn and mind situation reminds me so much of the khai and chingching situation!! in both cases, our "playboy" characters get kissed against their will and then get blamed and dumped for it. and in the end, they are the ones to apologize and continue to take that blame. this scene in my engineer rubbed me so wrong bc i am still chafing about it from theory of love!!

putting my thoughts under a read more bc it turned into 2k of bullshit. tw: consent and assault

i'm not a khai apologist okay, i get it. as much as i adore him now, the first handful of tol episodes were hard af for me to get over bc i just!!! wanted!!! to beat him up!!!! and let third go find a good boyfriend (and friend) who would appreciate him. but khai won me over with how obviously he was trying his best to change. i know some people maybe think that it was too sudden but imo it wasnt because a whole lot had just happened to make him want to be a better person:

he'd just had his world turned upside down from finding that video confession; he felt like he was losing third, who has been his stable best friend literally since their first few days at college, and he didnt understand why bc honestly in his own selfish stupid way he did that awful shit to try to save their friendship; he nearly died after a fight with third where third told him to leave him alone and his last thoughts were of third and how badly he'd fucked up. like he got into a major accident and walked back to third just to see him again. when he woke up, third was there but there was still such distance between them. and he hated it. all of those things happened to make him realize exactly how much he loved and valued third, and how badly he had treated third thruout their relationship.

so khai tries. he tries to be a better person, a better person for third. you know what old khai would have done upon meeting chingching? you best believe he would have been all over that. but instead he was polite and kind but distant to her. all he did was give her a ride to the faculty and not out right reject her when she auditioned. that was it. that was it! (honestly khai began to treat girls politely but distantly upon falling for and pursuing third. even jam on the beach, he was never rude or mean. polite and distant is his new way of dealing with people who may upset his relationship with third. he also treated milk this way when she showed up and harassed him at his apartment which i also have feelings about).

khai says he put himself in the situation to be kissed. but here is the situation: he went out with his friends. that's it? that is the situation. he went out with the sound crew (kind of reluctantly even), and was again polite and distant with chingching. he was happy and feeling good because he was making progress with the person he finally feels secure and loved with, he's changing the way he lives and treats people. he's happy.

and then he gets assaulted by a girl he has done nothing to encourage. then he tries to leave and finds third kissing another guy. and then third blames him for being assaulted (bc being kissed against your will is assault, and i'll get back to that with bohn), and then when he finally catches up to third, third throws a glass bottle at him, yells at him and, in the end, tells him he thinks khai is unable to love.

and of course third is allowed to feel this way about all of these things, but he is so ready to believe the worst of khai. he is absolutely ready and willing (to the point of getting upset with two for trying to convince him otherwise) that khai is the same khai that has hurt him time and time again. he has been hurt too much and he just cant stick his already sliced neck out again like that. which is valid and understandable! khai has hurt him! (and khai assaulted him too, which i could also get into. but khai kissing third against his will doesnt mean that chingching kissing him is in any way acceptable as some sort of karma imo).

what got me though was just how miserable and vulnerable khai was when he talks about this with third finally. of course third wouldnt believe him. of course he put himself in that situation. of course its hit fault that a girl kissed him bc he has a reputation. nevermind that all he did was go out with friends (and alongside his current love interest) and drink? is khai supposed to be on guard at all times now, just in case someone who knows he is a playboy decides they wanna forcibly lock lips with him against his will?

all of this is to say that i just wish third had told khai it wasnt his fault that he was kissed against his will. is it his fault that there is a severe lack of trust between them? absolutely. but khai is not responsible for chingching's bad actions. he was assaulted and blamed for it and felt like he couldnt say that because no one would believe him due to his reputation which just....reeks of real life parallels that i dont think the writers meant to stumble upon but sure did.

now onto bohn and mind.

khai and bohn being playboys is portrayed so very differently, which i think is why i'm a little more upset with duen than i am with third in this situation.

where the first like five episodes of tol took time to set khai up as a serious playboy, its only mentioned with bohn. bohn meets duen within the first handful of minutes if my eningeer and the rest is history. the closest we get to onscreen playboy behavior is *gasp* bohn going to a birthday party for a girl he doesnt particularly like but is willing to go along with to the point of buying her a present, holding her cake, and dragging his friends to an awkward and bad party. she is never seen nor mentioned again after leaving (lmao dont worry tho she is set up as a slut so u dont have to feel bad for her! haha love that thanks bl writers).

the rest of the episodes sets it up to show that bohn shows affection through acts of service and physical affection. he is awful at communication and will do bad things to get attention (bc he was a lonely rich kid who only got attention by doing these things i'm sure) from duen bc to bohn it seems like duen wont give him the time of day most of the time. duen rejects his primary love language (physical affection) but occasionally accepts his secondary (acts of service) (bohn giving him space to study, hunting down that specific book for him, doing those dumbass tasks that duen's friends came up with).

cut to the planting trip. so far, the series has set it up as bohn being as open as he is able to be about his feelings when both his ways of expressing himself are commonly rejected and/or misunderstood by duen. he's tried to have a couple real conversations but has been dismissed or ignored (which i'm sure duen didn't mean to do on purpose but also i am on bohn's side bc nobody else is and i seriously need his friends to step up!!!). he feels insecure in the relationship and like duen does not even like him, let alone care enough to be jealous.

we have also set up the fact that if someone comes onto bohn, duen will be upset with him. when mind is first introduced, its him cornering bohn in a bathroom and aggressively pressuring him into going out with him. bohn rejects him (not nearly as politely and distantly as khai has interacted with girls post-getting with third) but is still blamed by duen when "caught". this is used as a set up for why duen doesnt trust bohn, duen using the rumors of bohn's playboy lifestyle to explain to himself why bohn is bad news (nevermind that the only proof he has is his friends telling him rumors and the one bday party where bohn is bored and obviously more interested in fucking around with duen than anything or anyone else).

and then bohn is sexually assaulted in the woods. which he is only alone in becaus he was cooling down from a fight with duen. he feels insecure and disrespected and unheard, and then he gets stalked by a man who he knows doesnt respect boundaries and spooked (and i'm sure is disappointed it's not duen that came to find him). mind disrespects duen, which is what makes bohn really mad imo, and then forces a kiss on him. bohn has to struggle to push him off, and then only manages to get mind to leave him alone by threatening to hit him. (notice that he did not actually hit him, which would have been a valid and understandable response? bc bohn isnt really as tough as he appears i think).

bohn's first thought is not "i have just been assaulted, i would like support in this processing time." its "if i tell my boyfriend i was kissed, even tho it was against my will, he will be angry at me. i dont want him to be angry at me."

again, he does not even think duen likes him. duen doesnt show it at all in ways bohn can understand (i think duen's love language is gift giving but if bohn told him to give him the gifts i dont think bohn really understands that). he is already insecure in his relationship and he doesnt want to tell duen someone else came up and forced a kiss on him bc he is scared duen will blame him for it and be angry.

unfortunately?? he is right. while i really appreciated king's advice on not lying, i really wish it had been more along the lines of "you should tell duen what happened so he can support you alongside us, your friends. and if he does not support you, thats fucked up of him and we will support you even more."

i cant blame bohn for not telling duen. a) he is scared he will be blamed. b) if someone cornered me in the woods and kissed me against my will i'd be fucked up about it too! i also might want to keep it a secret! c) he may be feeling embarrassed and ashamed. he is a grown man who was just kissed by someone else and he couldnt stop it from happening. we already known bohn feels insecure in his manhood (he is insecure in a lot :( ) and i'm sure this wasnt like. the most stellar feeling in the world! he needed some time to process!!

the point is, bohn goes to tell duen what happened. and he doesnt even get to? he gets told that duen saw it (and i guess we can pretend that it didnt look like a full on fight if that's what duen wants to think bc of his own insecurities) and then gets dumped. so from bohn's pov he was like. assaulted in the woods, violently shoved his attacker away, and then finds out his boyfriend saw it and........didnt come to help?? pretended he didnt see it and talked to bohn normally when he found him??? literally tested him and then got upset about his lying??? didnt check in with bohn at all to see if he was okay?

and then in the end when they make up, its again bohn going through a task (this time hunting duen down at night in the woods) to apologize to duen instead of the other way around? bohn was not lying to duen bc he did something wrong and wanted to hide it. he was lying to duen bc he a) needed time to process what happened b) was scared of exactly what happened happening and c) didnt even think duen would care about him enough to be jealous.

this got so long and i'm so sorry to anyone who decided to read this whole thing oh man. i guess my final thoughts are that the reason i'm still dissatisfied with where bohnduen ended up this season is because i feel like bohn and khai were blamed for something that was in no way actually their faults. neither of them invited people they werent interested in to kiss him. neither of them deserved to be blamed for it. yes, it was just a kiss and some may feel like i'm overreacted but to me it isnt just a kiss. its that both of them were essentially sexually assaulted and neither felt like they would be believed if they said that they werent at fault (khai actually believed he was and i'd bet bohn thinks he should have been more careful too).

it just makes me sad bc i know it was never be addressed, it was used as a way to break trust for both couples but? it only highlighted that third and duen werent willing to trust, not that bohn and khai were actually untrustworthy in this regard!

[drfitzmonster]

friend it is 3:05am here and i dont even know how much use i could be at a normal hour but i just wanted to send you this (im sure) badly worded ask to tell you. that youre loved. and seen. and valid in all the hurt that you feel. im so heart shatteringly sorry that youre experiencing that and being triggered in that way bc i know it too well from similar trauma and im just so sorry its hurting you sm rn. 1/3

you are never whats intrinsically wrong and its not the thing either so ik that feeling of carrying poison. but its not you its what you went through. which informs so much of the pain and devastatingly difficult work you have to do to heal. but its not your identity. ik its such an awful feeling but you yourself arent awful. and ik it feels herculean and burdensome to reach out and share or ask for help. but the people that love you, love you. they love y o u. all of you. 2/3

bc they also see that the pain youre in isnt you. but its what you are going through. its whats happened to you and what youve felt about it. and they want you to feel comfort and safe more than they want to consume whatever content is hurting you. your comfort and emotional safety is more important than any content or conversation and ik how brave you are (you inspire the shit out of me with your strength) so if you call out that youve tripped, im sure they would run back to help you up 3/3

anyway its like ten min to 3:30am and ik my asks were useless and im just sorry about that. im sure if i had slept in the last 24hrs i could have worded that better but just. basically, i love you ok? and ik it doesnt feel like anythings ok rn but that feeling wont last. and you dont have to feel an oz of guilt or shame about being in pain rn. youre just super loved buddy and im sending a hug through the ether (west coast lol) to you if thats ok.

--

thank you so much for this. it’s not useless. not useless at all.

it’s so hard. i have so much guilt and shame wrapped up in this. and fear. sometimes it seems like it’s better to just stay down in the dirt than to ask for help and be rejected or hurt even more. i’m not good at trusting. i’m so used to being hurt, that even when i know people love me and would never reject me or be cruel because they genuinely love me, all of me, like you said, even when i know that’s true, i don’t feel it.

i just feel the fear, and the shame, and guilt. i don’t want to make anyone feel bad for expressing themselves and their sexuality freely (especially not a whole group of people in a safe space that was designed just for that), just because some little thing upsets me, and no one else. 

that’s not fair to them

it makes me feel like a buzzkill, and who would want to be friends with me, with my fifty thousand hair trigger trip wires that are constantly being set off?

who would love me?

i’m so scared i can’t even talk to them directly. i’m talking to you, who have been very, very helpful and supportive, but you’re not who i need to be telling this to. that’s why i’m even able to tell you in the first place.

thank you so much for your kindness. it makes me feel less alone, even if i am still lying in the dirt

[ixxixixxi]

fuk

my best friend now is telling me how shes eating kiwi and she may be mildly allergic to it but she likes it anyway and it reminded me of my best friend in 8th grade who i was mildly in love with who would eat oranges but she was def allergic and her mouth would get blotchy and sting and her tongue would get itchy and she’d run around fanning at herself but liked oranges too much to stop and im pretty sure the first time i saw her do that was idk if the first but def one of the most memorable memories i have of her i think because i realized i was def in love with her and wanted to kiss her but sdkjfhshjdfsf obviously my repressed little ass did Not do that bc i just am not sjdhfshdf someone who wants to tell people i like that i like them esp not her but anyway i shdjfhsdf 

i just got rly sad and then it also really does not help that lately ive been wondering like am i also kind of in love with this friend???? i dont know i genuinely dont know??? sometimes im like no theres no way bc its just not the same as jhdfshjd with other people but at the same time the two times im somewhat certain i was in love before didnt feel exactly the same either but this i mean with this friend i ?? am i repressing my own feelings, am i too scared to let myself feel that?? i dont know and if i did feel that would i want to tell her I DEFINITELY DONT know about that either 

and like one of my biggest fears is it turning out that im just lonely and pushed romanticized daydreams onto her bc shes like the only person i talk to and if that was the case i could never tell her that and hurt her somehow or make things weird bc like a few years ago she tolkd me shdjsahds shjdsad hsshdjhshdh yknow........ she felt that ffffff for me but we dhfsjhd i was i  was just i literally at the time wasnt even processing romantic feelings like i was just rejecting them left and right whenever i felt them and not letting myself think abt that stuff at all and i literally was going through a crisis like am i ace?? am i just aromatnic?? but since then i think i settled on the fact that i probably am not aro im def bi in p much all aspects but i have so much anxiety and intimacy issues bc of my garbage father that the idea of someone else liking me makes me want to be sick a little bit.... which is something i still have not let myself think too hard about bc i feel like itll open an entirely new part of my insecure brain that i dont want to face probably...BUT ANYWAY. 

flirting is so good and fun but its also awful bc it makes me like people and then the thought of them liking me genuinely and not just joking around makes my stomach turn and idk if its in a bad way or good way yknow?? i remember there was also this girl i liked before (ok what the hell i swear i typically like guys more and end up crushing on them more often than girls but all my crisis’ are over girls....why? also idk why im so fixated on which gender i like more often when im still attracted to literally anyone regardless of gender despite gender factoring into how my attraction feels....is this internalized biphobia) who as soon as she proclaimed her love 2 me i was immediately shaken and couldnt talk to her out of fear AND ALSO like she was sort of manipulative and awful sometimes which led to me not liking her but still the fact that as soon as she said she liked me i felt sick and scared and like couldnt speak to her why. why????

anyway what was i saying oh yeah idk THE FRUIT THIGN. it made me sad. it reminded me of when i realized i loved my 8th grade best friend and lately ive already been thinking about if im in love with this best friend or if im just hdfjhsfd i dont know i dont know what the fuck WOULDNT I KNOW FOR SURE THO if i was like wouldnt it be a definite yes or no? so since it not that must mean im not and im just being dhfjsdhf weird right?? am i just feeling extra gay lately and am projecting it on her? do i just want attention??? 

i dont know what the fuck is going on but i care abt this friend way too much to fucking mess with her emotions in any way and like i dhjfhjdf when she talks about this guy she liked i would get jealous sometimes but im not a very jealous person so its not like jshdhjsf intense jealousy but is that bc i dont rly like her and im just jealous of her giving attention and wanting to talk all the time to someone else OR am i jealous bc she liekd him i genuinely DONT KNOW? bc like sometimes i wouldnt be jealous tho except i still would be but hjsdjhsdf i dont know. do you see? i cant even understand my own intentions behind feelings. also like when things were going poorly between them i would get rly upset for her and definitely not happy about them not getting along, not even a little bit and if i liked her wouldnt i be glad shes talking to me instead of him? not rly tho bc 1 i would never want someone i like in any way be it romantic or platonic to be on bad terms with someone they care about, even if it benefits me somehow or makes them hang out with me more, thatd be awful and i get why other people feel that way sometimes but im grateful that i dont, and 2 i dont get jealous that way, the only time i get jealous is if someone is completely changing their attention from me to another person entirely, but if i still have some of their attention and theyre also friends/into/etc someone else its not rly an issue at all for me but is that bc thats just how my jealousy works?? or would it be different if i did love her in that way aND LIKE AM I CONFUSIGN romantic love with platonic love and ?? what the fuck

the thing is with a romantic partner i’d mostly just wanna do platonic things anyway?? and the only time i think of s** is in relation to my kinks which is weird i guess but shdfsjhdf i dont picture anything like that with someone i’d be romantically attracted to...do i? i dont know? ive never thought about it? in all my daydreams/fantasies/etc whoever im involved with s*xually hasnt ever been anyone specific just like a mix of everything im attracted to but isnt that normal? but then again love was definitely not involved in any of those fantasies, oh god. then again thats just ?? stuff in my head its not an indicator of what i’d like or be like in reality right with another person I >SDF?SDF SD?F AAAA what the fuck. 

maybe all of this will become clearer to me when i move the fuck out and am able to be myself and think clearly without worrying about what my idiot parents or brother will say abt anything i express. then again moving out seems like it will be another lifetime away, it doesnt even seem like a possibility right now which makes me want to fckn kneel over and die. AAAAA WHATEVER BYE

what the fucdjksdcsdkjsd i hate being a person with weird undecipherable emotions i wish i was a fucking dog or raccoon or god damn ROCK 

[the-little-red-noodle]

1/11/19 3:25am

I’m getting upset again, what am i doing?

I kept telling myself, especially today, to pick your battles with him.. so why are you now getting upset with him and you don’t have anything to say?

I just know that I’m upset and I’m frustrated with him for not picking up on it and asking me about it and then it gets worse because he’s not trying to help and then I’m upset that he spends all this time with women and getting high with these girls and it’s not that i don’t trust him necessarily, it’s that i don’t trust them. I don’t trust these bitches he hangs out with.. idk. I’m just frustrated.

I’m sad right now because i feel like he should rush to comfort me when i keep hinting that I’m upset but the logical and rational part of me is like, ok, maybe the hints you drop aren’t as obvious as you feel like they are, and text is hard to pick up tone from so like let it go? Ya know?

But like once i get this overwhelmed sadness from a situation like this it’s hard to turn it off and not freak out.. it’s not like i want to start arguments with him! I just can’t reign it in perfectly all the time and I’ve been wanting to start this argument for weeks and there was never a good time cuz he was on vacation and now I’m on vacation but then i just told him i was upset right after he went to bed and now I’m frustrated with myself and wishing i hadn’t done that..

I just feel a lot right now but icant actually explain what it is that’s upsetting me, like i just am.. so that would go to indicate that it’s not necessarily him or something he’s done wrong, like I’m just having my own spiral and was looking to him for some reassurance and he was too dense to pick up what i was putting down.. which then frustrated me and exacerbate the bad feelings, which again, like isnt his fault, but i take it personally and then i don’t know what to do with that new feeling cuz it feels similar to like rejection or betrayal and it hurts and i don’t like it and i know he doesn’t mean to do it but now I’m here and i don’t know what to do

I want to call him and talk to him and cry on the phone but that would just annoy him and make him worry and i don’t want to do that..

I want him to fucking respond on fb messenger is what i want but agh i know he probably just put his phone down and he won’t see it till tomorrow or he already saw it and doesn’t want to deal with it rn and i so badly want to keep texting him but I’m crying and would only make it worse, like the damage is done. I told him I’m upset and he’s dense but i want to talk and then i didn’t know what i wanted to talk about and that just made me sad..

I don’t like feeling insecure about his friends. I have guy friends that pose no threat to him. I hang out with my ex for christ sake, in person just us two for like hours, which spencer doesn’t know cuz he doesn’t ask.. maybe he doesn’t want to know who I’m hanging with? Idk. But i wish i didn’t care as much about the females he spends his time with. Cuz outwardly to him i don’t care, but like of fucking course i care? Women are crazy and he’s pretty and nice and he’s a pushover and i know he has trouble saying no to people and i have like nightmare daydreams about these girls he’s friends with just deciding one day that they want to be with him and making moves on him and he’s a sweet little pushover and he might just let things happen and not stop them.. and then he’s terrified of letting people down and terrified of upsetting me so he might just not say anything to me about it and part of me prefers that, but then what if it’s a regular thing? What if he’s in love with them? I can’t compete with girls he’s known for years and smoke and can hang with his other friends, i can’t compete with that, and I’m frustrated that he doesn’t give the kind of reassurance that indicates that i stand any kind of competition to these other women in his life..

Ya that’s probably what I’m upset about.

He spent 2 days with this girl, who I’ve met, and she stayed the night and they spent a lot of time together and i know, I KNOW they are just friends, I KNOW.. but the crazy girl brain acts up sometimes and i don’t know how to handle it! And then he didn’t respond since 4:30. In the afternoon, and it was driving me crazy. Not till like 3am did he respond with a short ass little response and I’m feeling like nooo? U spent the whole day with some chick and ignored my text messages? Um no? And then liked my insta pics and ignored my texts? The fuck? The actual fuq? No?

The thing is, i feel like this a lot when he hangs out with women. I feel jealous and frustrated, and kind of helpless? But i never say anything because the logical part of me is usually the louder voice in the room than the crazy jealous girlfriend voice. I rarely let her talk to spencer because i want to keep him, ya know? And she scares people off. And I’ve been really good about it lately, I’ve felt stable and comfortable and yes i would still get jealous but not enough to say anything.. but now I’m just upset and frustrated and selfishly want to tell him that i feel like this even though i know it won’t change anything.

Telling him that I’m jealous about his female friends will just make him feel hesitant to twll me what he’s doing, or remind him of his crazy ex and i do not want to be compared to her anymore than he already does I’m sure.

It won’t help. He’s not going to stop hanging out with them, he’ll just start hiding it from me. Which then now that i say that I’m like hm? I feel like i would rather not hear about the girls he hangs out with.

So lets rationalize an answer, cuz he’s gunna wake up tomorrow and be like um wtf? What’s wrong? And i gotta be like oh um ____?

So i could either cover it up and be like it was nothing drop it, or i could be honest and be like I’ve been feeling i secure lately, and that’s not your fault, but i gotta be honest, hearing about you spending all your time with girls is kind of getting to me right now and id just prefer not to hear about it.

That’s how i feel. That is how i feel. I feel insecure about myself lately, and feeling like I’m not really good enough and not really keeping him satisfied and then i worry about how you’re a bit of a pushover and you surround yourself with strong, pretty women, and i just don’t like thinking about it.

And I’m sorry that i even brought it up because the logical and rational part of my brain is usually louder than the jealous side.. and it’s not that i don’t trust you necessarily, it’s more that i don’t really trust other people that i don’t know and i know how you’re a bit of a pushover and that you don’t like upsetting me and i don’t want you to feel like you need to keep things from me, it’s just a feeling that comes up sometimes when i feel insecure and then i can’t reach you and then i get the kind of spiral down thought thing and just worry..

And also this isnt just about yesterday, I’m not mad that you were mia, it happens. I’ve actually been feeling like this for a while and i didn’t know how to bring it up, and it wasn’t a big enough deal to talk about? Like i didn’t feel like i needed to talk about it, because for the most part, i genuinely do not care who you hang out with, it’s just harder to hear about when I’m not feeling the best or feeling like insecure about where we stand, not that we’re in a bad place right now?

Ok i need to stop writing now because it’s upsetting me more. I need to cry and try to sleep. But at least i know what the problem is now? Breath. Calm downnnn

[fanfiction-mania]

I Didnt Ask For This (Chapter 5)

P.o.v Riker

Rocky and Rydel were arguing and meanwhile i stood there in Rocky’s arms hiding my face away in his chest crying. I just love how comfy Rocky is. All of a sudden I felt Rocky’s grip around me tighten. “it’ll be okay Rikey bear, i’ll make sure of it.” He told me and then lightly kissed my temple. With that the two of us made our way back to our room. Once we got there i crawled into my bed and Rocky Crawled into his. I got really comfy and i ruined it only because my sexy boyfriend called me over to his bed,I thought to cuddle with him but apparently he had other plans. I crawled onto his bed and he pulled me into his arms. He rolled me over so I was on my back and he straddled my waist. He kissed my lips roughly but it was still filled with passion. There was something else within it too. There wasn’t only passion within the kiss but there was also lust.

P.o.v Rydel

I think at this point they have made it pretty clear that they wont give up on me easily. I fid the idea really sweet but i have to keep telling myself all of the things that i know would happen if anyone knew because quite frankly that is the only thing stopping me from barging into their room and doing unspeakable things to them. Sickening, I know… The sad thing is, I can currently hear their make out session going on because the walls in this house are so damn thin. The next thing I knew, before I could even stop myself, I made my way to the door of Riker and Rocky’s room. You would think with the heat of the moment that I would just barge right in but instead i stood there in front of the door anxiously for a moment and then knocked. I could feel my stomach begin to turn. It was such a sickening feeling that I would back out right now if i could but we all know that isn’t an option at this point. I was then pulled by my thought by a disheveled Riker. it didn’t seem like a bad disheveled either. he looks like he just came from a make out session which i know for a fact that he did. “Delly… is something wrong?” my brother asked me. “uh… well can i talk to you and Rocky for a moment?” I asked quietly. “yeah, sure” he stated hesitantly. with that he opened the door and let me in passed him.

P.o.v Rocky

I heard riker talking to someone at the door. I couldn’t quite make out who it was at first but after less than a minute I was able to make out who it was. It was Rydel. God, if only she would give into her feelings… I want to be with her so bad. Just imagine the stroke of luck I would have if Rydel was actually talking to riker to tell him that she was finally going to give into her feelings… Who am I kidding that’s like a one in a million chance… The next thing I know Rydel and Riker walk in. I wonder what Rydel wants. “I need to talk to the two of you…” Both Riker and I nodded for her to continue. “I can’t take it anymore!” She yelled. “You can’t take what anymore Delly?” Riker asked with a confused expression that was to die for although I was very confused as well. “I can’t take not being in a relationship with the two of you anymore… I mean the thought of being with you two scares the shit out of me because I have no idea how much shit the three of us could get into but quite frankly I don’t give a fuck anymore because all I can think about is how much I want to be with the two of you.” She said with a loud voice that neither I, nor Riker have heard her use in quite a long time. Our jaws dropped.

P.o.v Rydel

After I finished talking their jaws dropped slightly. After I could see that at first they were trying to form words I kind of giggled slightly. “what im trying to say is… if it isnt too late, i would love to be in a relationship with you two.” i said and i waited for their responses. i stood there with my eyes closed waiting for one of them to say something but no words came. I had almost felt as if they rejected me until i felt two pairs of strong arms wrap themselves around me. “im… im sorry for interrupting your little moment before…” i said awkwardly. “its okay, it was totally worth it” Riker replied. “I love you boys more than either of you will ever understand” i said while hiding my face away in Rocky’s chest. Meanwhile Riker had his face hidden in my hair from behind me. Rocky put his fingers under my chin lightly, lifting my face up to look into his gorgeous brown eyes that i am bound to get lost in. He leaned in slightly and kissed my lips. the kiss was somewhat rough but still very gentle. i actually quite enjoyed it. once we pulled back rocky lightly pulled himself away from me knowing that i would want to turn around to look at Riker. I looked up into Riker’s eyes after turning around and i noticed something i had never noticed about him before. his eyes had the most breathtaking gold tinge to them. I could feel myself getting lost in his eyes when i all of a sudden felt his lips press against mine. his lips are very soft. I mean Rocky’s lips are soft too but in a different way if that makes sense. My kiss with Rocky wasn’t exactly rough per say but there was definitely a noticeable difference, and quite frankly if i was told to pick which kiss i liked more i would not be able to decide at all. after Riker and i pulled away the three of us just decided to curl up on the couch for a while.