#i am trying my best to avoid a major depressive episode

[inbabylontheywept]

So: You have depression.

I'm 27 now. The last time I had a major depressive episode was when I was 16. I still have depressive episodes every now and then, but the worst tend to be a month, and most I can generally get through them in about a week. It took me a while to kind of figure out how to handle depression as a recurring thing, and so I thought I'd make a little welp-I-got-diagnosed-now-what guide.

So, first part of the guide: When I first got depressed, I thought that depression was the terrible, sad hopeless feeling that I had. It isn't. That terrible sad hopeless feeling is a symptom of prolonged depression. By the time I get to that point, I'm pretty well cooked and it takes a lot longer to bounce back. Avoiding getting to that point is a vital part of living with depression.

So what does depression feel like?

I am going to hammer this point home a lot of times while writing this: Depression is an anesthetic. It is not felt as a presence, but as an absence. The first absence, for me at least, is when life stops being fun. Every movie feels boring, I can't get more than a few pages into any book, and everything just seems... bland.

This is the best point to catch it at. I have found that consumptive patterns of entertainment do not do anything to help depression. Some people have told me that producing art at this time really helps them, but personally, I can't imagine trying. Instead, I just do tasks that I know inspire physical satisfaction. Which sounds like jerking off (I don't actually reccomend that route) but really means things like: Going for a walk in the sunshine. Working out. Cleaning the house in a fairly exhaustive way. Scrub the baseboards, wash the sink, clear the fridge, etc.

I recognize that doing those is really, really hard while depressed because depression causes physical weakness and exhaustion. The best I can do is, unfortunately, encourage vigillance. If you suspect you're getting into a funk, start on this before you get really deep into the mire. People that get into the mire can get out, but it's not self-help read-a-book type shit, it takes therapy and medication and patience and it is so much easier and cheaper and faster to just avoid letting it get that bad then crawling out once it's sunk its teeth into you.

I have found that for things that work almost by exposure alone, spending time in the sun and talking to people are borderline magical, with the caveat that talking to people about being depressed tends to make things worse instead of better. Talking about anything that cuts through the anesthetic of depression is ideal, or if it's sunk in deep enough that you're having trouble finding anything, talking to someone else about what they're passionate about. Ideally, you'd find someone passionate about a thing you know you're passionate about but are struggling to enjoy right then, and then you'd just let your mirror neurons run amok. Bonus Points

So, you're already depressed. Like, pretty fucking depressed, and you fucked up, and you let it slide. What then?

This is my I-Fucked-Up-And-Got-Big-Sad, Salvage-My-Weekend, depression routine. You'll need to make one for yourself at some point, and yours will work better for you, but this is mine and I think it'll work okay-ish for you. Until you get your own, at least.

I have to get up before 10 am. Staying in bed later than that gives the depression such a huge head start on my day that I just basically can't catch up. If I can't just brute force get myself out of bed, I will throw my blankets and sit cold on my sheets until that gives me the motivation I need. If I cannot work up the guts to throw my blankets, I will actually roll off the bed, flop gracelessly onto the floor, and then stare wistfully up until I can will myself to stand. It helps that every bedroom I've had either had freezing cold tile, or itchy coarse carpet. If you have a comfy floor, maybe buy a very scratchy rug? I cannot emphasize how important this step is. It's like, half of the whole thing.

After getting up, immediately go outside and sit in the sunshine. This provides free executive function, and getting it ASAP will make everything go much smoother.

Talk to someone while outside. If you have a roommate, they work great. Face to face conversations tend to be the best, but phone calls with loved ones are like at least 80% as effective. Calls to family members tend to be better than in face conversations with acquaintances or people you're mostly ambivalent about. Don't do chat messages. Worse than nothing.

This should have scrounged up enough free energy that you can clean something. I always start by trying to clear a part of my counter off. If that's all I got, that's all I got, and I still feel good about it. If that inspires me to do more, I'll run with it until a whole room is up to snuff. I don't do more than one room while I'm this crispy: The goal is not really to clean the house, but to work through a series of tasks that require some initial level of executive function but provide a larger amount back once completed. Life has a lot of these deals that are like, give me $10 and I'll give you $12, give me $12 and I'll give you $20, on and on, and the hard part is really just getting the $10. Some people wake up with $10. Most days, you will wake up with $10. But not when you're like this. You're gonna have to earn it. I'm sorry.

I am going to reiterate: This is what I do when I feel a funk coming on. My life and my schedule are not always this regimented. Living with depression doesn't mean never sleeping until 10, or having a weekend where you don't talk to someone, or take a break from cleaning. Living with depression just means never, ever, leaning into the depression when you feel it coming on. Even when it starts out feeling cozy. Even when you want to just snuggle into it and sleep and sleep and sleep. The first day or two will feel luxurious, and the next week will feel terrible, and the longer you wait the harder it will be to get out. You are always going to have to worry about that. Again, I'm really, truly sorry.

Bonus Bonus Points

I am not a psychologist, but I do have a theory about why depression exists. Remember how I said it's anesthetizing? I think that's what it's there for - getting rid of emotional pain when it isn't being helpful. People often get depressed after a major injury. Boredom is normally nature's way of punishing you for just curling up and doing nothing, but depression can be the emergency override on boredom. It makes sense for you to sit still and do nothing while your body is healing, so maybe nature temporarily removes all your motivation with depression and then just lets you be a limp noodle until you're healthy again. Maybe?

Back to the emotional level, though, depression might also be a way to muffle pains that would otherwise be so intense that people might not remain in control of the faculties. The pain of losing a parent is notorious for driving people so mad with pain that they ruin their lives, but depression is there to at least try and keep us sedated until the nadir has passed.

It is helpful to know what the purpose of depression is, because you will eventually get it from an "intended" cause, and reflexively fighting it then probably isn't good for you. And at the very least, knowing why this stupid thing exists makes the world feel like less of a cruel place.

There are a lot of interesting studies on the physical effects of depression - things like muscle weakness, increased pain tolerance, muscle relaxation, etc. that I won't go into, but it does so many things at once that it almost doesn't feel like a fuck up, but a feature that we just kind of lost the plot on. Not gonna deep dive on it, but it is something that probably shouldn't be confined to just a mental disorder.

[tanngonzales]

October 31 | I can do all things through prayer and coffee.

My mental health journey towards wellness and healing started back in March 2022. I was clinically diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder.

I remember that moment when I reached out to my mom asking her for help because I couldn’t do it alone anymore. It was the time in my life that made me feel like I’m not going to make it at the end of that day. I needed someone to hold me and my mom rescued me from myself. Imagine being awake for more than 24 hours and you couldn’t sleep no matter how tired you were. Having nightmares and waking up either crying or screaming and your body kept on trembling and you feel like something terrible is going to happen. You become surprisingly attached to your bed, pillows and blanket - and doesn’t have the energy to get out of it. Those are just some of the symptoms I experienced. I even had memory losses which I think my mind is trying to block out some events in my life that would seem to trigger my emotions and protecting me from spiraling in the dark. I lost track of where I am - my goals, dreams and priorities. And suddenly, all things that made me smile became the reason I was crying. I can’t feel the joy or excitement from doing the things I love. And my emotions were all over the place. My thoughts became so loud like I am watching 5 or more episodes from different tv series and I have to listen to them simultaneously. This is just a part of my battle with depression and anxiety. But I know that there is more to me than this diagnosis. I want my family and friends to know that I am diligently working on making myself get better - taking therapy sessions and prescribed medications. Today, I try to find ways to celebrate life with the people who cares and loves me for who I am. Coffee was once my passion and something I love to drink but because of my current state, I was advised to avoid drinking it like before because it raises my anxiety level. Thank God I have friends who constantly remind me of my worth and became accountable for my well-being. Today I celebrate having these cups of coffee after having approval and supervision from one of the best company, who watches over my journey and willingly takes part in hoping to seeing me get better each day. ☕️

[wandaslesbian]

| MASTERLIST / INFO :

Hello, it’s nice to meet you all — my name is Abigail, or Abby ( she / her ), and I will ( hopefully ) be posting my writing on this site / app!! 🙈🌷

| PALESTINE AND SUPPORT :

Before you continue please understand that I fully, with my whole heart, stand with Palestine, Congo, Sudan, Yemen, ECT and the fight for their freedom and liberation.

If you do not, leave.

Please, whenever you have the time, visit this site to ( for free ) raise money for Palestine and other charities with a daily click! 🍉

Also, it would mean the world to me if you could spread my LinkTree, listing Palestinian families that have reached out to me for help. Thank you for your support, I love you and Free Palestine!

| RULES :

I am a MINOR, I am under sixteen years old, please DO NOT interact if that is something that makes you uncomfortable, that is the last thing I would want you to feel.

Other DNIs are quite simple ( some are oddly specific ) : Zionists, Nazis, Conservatives, Republicans, Confederates, Wendy / MCU stans ( MCU stans are welcome however, if I sense anything problematic I will block you, sorry, my loves ), if you support someone problematic ( I’ll link a separate post ( here ) for celebrities I do not support ), ableists, transphobes, sexists, misogynists, anti-fancasts, pro-ship, bullies and anyone that is mean.

All of my work will be sapphic, with a fem reader, unless a request specifically says otherwise. A lot of the time my work is written from a perspective that doesn’t require using the readers pronouns and the ones that don’t will be linked here.

I have a list of triggers for my ocd ( here ), please try and avoid those topics ( at least the exact words used ). If you don’t I will still try and write the request, however I don’t know how long it will take me and I might not be able to do it / finish it.

I have major depressive episodes, so if I have motivation and it randomly deflates it will take me a while to post my work ( I’m genuinely so sorry for any inconvenience ).

I use fancasts for all of my posts, especially my marvel / dystopian pieces, if you do not agree with fancasting / prefer the whitewashed versions of characters, please DNI.

More rules for requesting are here!

| FANDOMS I WRITE FOR :

The Hunger Games

Marvel Comics / DC Comics ( mainly marvel… mainly wanda )

Fallout 4 ( maybe )

Stranger Things ( no Eleven, Will or Murray )

Star Wars

The Maze Runner

Divergent

I’ll be adding more fandoms as I think of them!

| THINGS I WONT WRITE :

Smut. I am a minor, please do not send me smut requests. If you do I will report and block you.

If the trope / plot is problematic I won’t write for it, some examples are : non-con / dub-con, age caps, cultural appropriation, sexuality erasure, glorification of mental health disabilities, ECT.

The MCU, Harry Potter, Disney, ECT.

| OTHERLINKS :

Fics I’ve reposted : here!

My thoughts ( shorter ) :

My thoughts ( longer ) :

| END :

Thank you so much for reading ( sorry for any spelling mistakes I’ve made )! If you have any questions don’t be afraid to ask, I’ll try and answer them as best as I can. I love you, goodbye!! 🙈🌷

[jf-md]

It's November now. here I am trying to re-discover myself again while I'm recovering. October was a challenge for me as I'm facing my social anxiety, depression, mood swing, facing my guilts/sins and on the bright side, I've learned myself that I am highly sensitive person. I've finally able to be totally vulnerable, slowly applying and control my emotions. I've been sober for nine weeks now and I'm not sure if it is a good thing for me. Despite my crying episodes reflecting the mess I've done couple months ago. My ADHD and Major Depressive Disorder is awakening again. I, actually hate to take medications, rely on them and that's the reason why I turned myself into recreational drugs and alcohol, combined them together when I was 11. I've made my GP appointment tomorrow for a referral for psychiatrist. Hopefully, it works. fingers crossed. I've been seeing reiki/shaman to heal my energy within me twice a week. They told me that I've got beautiful energy and there is energy which I haven't discover, waiting to be explode or unleash. I went 2 metal gigs. Bury Tomorrow and Thornhill. First, Bury Tomorrow, at Max Watts. The vibe was great, chaotic and I managed to break the barrier. The setlist was great, playing the old-skool metal core. Dan, awesome as always since the last time I saw him at UK 2014. LIONHEART!!! I managed to chat with him after the show with my own personal problems and struggles. He's a lovely man. Thornhill, went with DP, mental. Still, managed to break the barrier. I made Mil & Mas to do it as well. I'm still chaotic, in a good way. I bumped into B & C. B gave that freezing, stunned, grudge, hate, anger aura to me for what I've done to his best friend. Also, I bumped into Salm8, giving me the spooky, huh reaction. I, honestly, trying to avoid but I was anxious in social interaction, clenching my teeth, filling with the guilt. Bloody ell. Up until now, I'm still wondering why most the people I've known hate C? What C has done to them? I'm not judgemental person. People can be complex which I find it fascinating or else we are not humans afterall. A, the chaotic Heyoka empath, crashed to my place last Sunday. He hasn't sleep and his thigh was sore. I was helping him with dry needling and TENS machine, which contracts the muscle. He told me the goss, How HBR celebrate the 8th birthday party, the T-shirt print, OMG, so damn bloody covert-narc BNYV. I know A hates BNYV and B. He also told me how he found, a bag of K at HBR, and L, this witch apprentice , trying to be lawful and chaotic at the same time, losing her K. Well, I could gave her K for free tbh but K and Coke was my personal addiction. Coke makes me more aggressive. K, on the other hand, dissociates or alter myself. This past few days, I've discover myself that I'm able to do astral-projection without psychedelic drugs. I haven't master it yet but at some point I will.

[bisexualaliennut]

I feel like my mind is more chaotic than usual. I went to therapy today and she told me that i need to do everything I have been avoiding (which is a lot) including emotional conflicts with friends and family. I fear speaking to a lot of my friends because I dont want to be judged or feel as if I have to put a mask on in front of them. I just went through a really bad depressive episode from August 26-September 26th and for the past month I have felt better. A lot of the depressive episode was situational. Even while writing this I find myself judging myself for having thoughts that I am still wary about my boyfriend even though he has been amazing, I am still depressed but functioning yet having restless and agitated energy. I like things but do not fully love them I am a hedonist and get stuck doing mostly only pleasurable things. I have been more focused on crocheting lately I forgot about school. I have no energy to go and just want to stay in bed today. I feel so exhausted even though my mind can not stop spinning on the things I have to do yet I don’t do them. This just entails my ADHD is getting worse. My ADHD has been so bad lately and the funniest thing is I am a psychology major and I know that stress worsens ADHD. I put too many things on my plate making me avoidant of almost every aspect in my life. I lose things and in return I am losing my mind. I have no interest in trying to find it. I know I could do better in school but I have no desire to try. I feel selfish for making my boyfriend deal with me when his good friend just died. I pretty much feel like an asshole making him deal with me while I know he is going through his own shit. Why do I feel so fucking annoyed at him for talking to woman even though he loves me. He has friend who are girls and I find myself getting jealous a girl thought he was hot and then wanted to have a threesome with us. I am mad he never showed me the messages. Why do I feel this way? I miss my best friend so much I wish I could tell her all of this but she is mad at me because I never went to visit her at her college. I just want to escape my life right now more of my head because it is beating me up and i feel so uncomfortable with myself today. Maybe I should just accept that today isnt a good day. 

[pearls-and-polowraps]

30 Life Lessons from 30 Years

1. Love is a verb. Love is not a mere emotion, nor a sentiment wrapped in pretty words. It is active, intentional, and requires continuous effort. Show your love, don't just tell.

2. Prayer, without action, is useless. "What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith, but has no works? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and food. If one of you tells him, 'Go in peace; stay warm and well fed,' but does not provide for his physical needs, what good is that? In the same way, faith by itself, unless it is accompanied by action, is dead." - James 2:14-17

"Prayer in action is love, and love in action is service. Try to give unconditionally whatever a person needs in the moment. The point is to do something, however small, and show you care by giving your time ... Do not worry about why problems exist in the word, just respond to people's needs." - Mother Teresa

3. Happiness is not a goal, it's a byproduct of a life well lived. "Paradoxically, the one sure way not to be happy is to deliberately map out a way of life in which one would please oneself completely and exclusively. After a short time, a very short time, there would be little that one really enjoyed, for what keeps our interest in life and makes us look forward to tomorrow is giving pleasure to other people." - Eleanor Roosevelt

4. Success is all about perspective. For some people, success is defined by a six-figure job, a fancy house, a brand new luxury car, and all of the other trappings. Over time, even the material things we once coveted most eventually lose their luster and we're left feeling unhappy, unhealthy, and unfulfilled.

Don't mistake me - there is nothing wrong with earning money! Just know that money alone cannot bring the satisfaction you seek. For that, consider the quality and nature of your daily interactions. Are you taking steps to create a meaningful life?

5. Make a change. If you are unhappy with your current situation, you have two choices: accept your lot in life and trudge on, or make a change. Everything else is just a pity party.

6. "No" is a complete sentence. You don't have to justify every decision you make, nor do you have to seek anyone's approval.

7. Your health is an investment, not an expense. Lots of people don’t learn that until it’s too late.

8. Your job is not your mission. A career is a good thing, but not when it takes precedence over everything else. Never work so much that the rest of your life suffers for it.

9. Cultivate a passion. This is not the same as following your passion. "Following" implies a pre-existing passion that could be turned into instant fulfillment. Cultivation, on the other hand, implies that you work at building a passion for everything you do. It requires that you approach your work like a craftsman - hone your abilities and leverage your value to shape your life into something that resonates with you.

10. Relationships matter... Every relationship - romantic, professional, familial, or otherwise - is comprised of a series of give-and-take exchanges. For the relationship to work, each party must contribute and receive value from the interaction. Otherwise, someone will end up feeling exploited while the other reaps the benefits.

11. ...But you don't need to be liked by everyone. Not every relationship as the same value, and you can't expect everyone to love you in the same way. Trying to please everyone is a recipe for stress, misery, and frustration.

12. Lead a quiet life. "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your hands." - 1 Thessalonians 4:11

"Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

13. Everyone worships something; the only choice is what.

14. Growth requires a little discomfort. We all want something better for ourselves, but we are so often afraid to make a change. Change, by its very nature, brings uncertainty, and uncertainty brings discomfort, none of which sounds very appealing. Until you learn to associate enough discomfort in your current situation with some future reward, you can't compel yourself to take action.

15. Perfection is unattainable. No matter how hard I work or how much I wish, I will never be perfect. Neither will you. We are human. It is in our nature to make mistakes and we'll all run afoul of a bad decision now and then. We are, each and every one of us, a mixed bag of contradictions and shortcomings, and we are all still beautiful.

16. Learn from the past, but don't let it control your future. What's done is done. No amount of regret can undo an action or take back a careless word. Use your mistakes to show you how to improve for the next time, and always try to avoid making the same one twice.

17. There is no shame in being wrong, nor in saying you're sorry. Accepting your shortcomings and apologizing for errors you make are both necessary if you want to maintain the health of your relationships. You'll become a kinder, more compassionate person in the process.

18. SLEEP!  Seriously. Go to bed.

19. Have less stuff. The more you have, the more you've got to worry about, pay for, tend to, and concern yourself with. (This goes for emotional "stuff," too.)

20. Just BE.

21. "Our doubts are traitors... ... and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt." William Shakespeare was on to something with this one. Most of the things we fear never come to pass. If they do, they are rarely as awful as we imagined. Worrying over the future only steals the joy from now.

22. Practice forgiveness. Being angry requires an extraordinary commitment of time and energy. It's just not worth the effort. Forgive and focus your attention on something better.

23. YOU give your life meaning. A meaningful life is anything you want it to be. Decide what makes your life worth living, then build everything else around that.

24. Love people as they are. No matter how much we try, we can't change the people we love. Instead of wishing that they would get a little closer to our ideal, learn to appreciate the unique perspectives that their differences provide.

25. Gratitude multiplies happiness. Rather than dwelling on all the things you lack, consciously focus on appreciating all that is yours.

26. Do the work. A goal without a plan is nothing more than a wish. If you want something for yourself, be prepared to put forth a little effort. The work makes the reward so much greater.

27. YOU are responsible for your own happiness.

28. Good is not something you are, it's something you do. "Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as you ever can." - John Wesley

29. “Have courage and be kind.” - Cinderella (2015)

30. There is no reset button. Nothing can be undone and no word can be unsaid. Every action has a consequence, and every decision you make will have an impact on your life in some way. Make them count.

[the-haven-of-fiction]

So I followed you for hiddles, and here I am becoming increasingly obsessed with the american variant and I’ve been watching SNW all week 😂😭 are there any of his other shows or movies you’d recommend?

Hiya! Well, I guess that's a hazard of following this blog these days.

As someone who only started paying attention to him when he was on Discovery in 2019, here are my thoughts...

I am not going to sit through every B movie he's made over the years. The Anson from 20 years ago, 15 years ago, maybe even 10 years ago doesn't appeal to me. Something has happened to this man as he has gotten older. It isn't just a physical aging, it's also his growth as an actor and I am sure he has also been impacted by life experience. He's just seasoned now and it is a thing of beauty.

I haven't watched Hell On Wheels because it appeared rather dire and depressing to me when I first heard about it and as much as I usually like seeing a good actor in distress, I often avoid something when it is the current good actor who has taken my fancy. However, there are five seasons to get through, so that could occupy you for a while. :)

If you've already seen SNW, I recommend giving Discovery a try. It's very different in some major ways, so be prepared. @happycabbage and I just watched his episode of CSI:Miami and he was what I thought he would be: a sort of semi-douchy suspect. I just today watched the episode of Law and Order he was on and I remembered it. I remembered thinking that the actor (I didn't know his name at the time) was great for the specifics of the character, it was perfect casting. Give that a whirl.

To sum up, having not seen his entire body of work, I would say his best years are now and I would watch the episode of L&O, Discovery and Hell On Wheels.

Okay, fine, I have one more comment...I saw a quote from him that he never got period pieces because casting directors told him that he looked too "contemporary" and that makes me very curious which roles he wanted and/or actually got to audition for but did not get.

I lied, I have another comment...like his OG, I really hope the future offers him more comedy because he has talent for it and that aspect of his skills has been under-used so far.

Thanks for the message!

[illogicalthinking]

The Burn Within

warnings: Some NSFW language (Remus), blood/ bruises mention, hurt no comfort and self hatred 

word count: 1883

authors note: for this fic i used a prompt by @just-another-ts-prompt-blog which can be found: here 

hope you enjoy!

Whilst the ‘light’ and ‘dark’ sides preferred to keep their distance from each other, they had to share certain parts of Thomas’s mind. For example, they shared a common area, and the imagination was split into two separate realms, much like Roman and Remus: Whilst one contained multiple castles and kingdoms living in harmony with each other, the other was a prison of living nightmares. 

However, this arrangement did not bring them any closer to each other. The light sides tried to avoid the dark sides at all costs. Remus often played pranks on the others such as swapping the sugar out for salt, spiking drinks with inedible products, and stealing utensils. 

This made meal times extremely difficult to control: Virgil would hiss and hide, Patton would try and fail to diffuse the situation, Janus would watch in entertainment and Roman was never around to witness. The only side that could keep the sides from murdering each other was Logan. 

Today seemed like one of those days. 

“Virgil could you please come down from there, Remus did not do anything” Logan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. It was far too early for this, Logan muttered to himself whilst taking a large sip of coffee from his “worlds best mum” mug. 

“He walked in whilst we were making coffee, that’s more than enough reason to hide. What if he put baby powder in my drink again? I’m going to die because of him!” Virgil hissed from his place on the top of the fridge, hoodie covering his frantic eyes. 

Virgil had been more paranoid than usual after the recent video. He had fallen back into his old habit of hissing at the other sides when stressed. It concerned Patton greatly. 

“Oh please sunshine, there is a higher chance of me fucking a woman with 3 arms than there is me spiking your drink again, I just walked in!” Remus exclaimed as he passed Virgil on the fridge to the dining table. 

“Whilst Remus vocalized his argument in a very unprofessional manner, he is right, we have been awake for approximately 1 hour and 15 minutes whereas, by the looks of it, Remus has only been awake for around 10 minutes.” Logan made sure to maintain eye contact with Virgil whilst voicing his opinion to ensure Virgil knows he’s telling the truth. “There is nothing to worry about Virgil, you are safe” 

“Thanks, L” 

“You're welcome, now please come down from there, it is very dangerous to be sitting in places you are not supposed to be sitting”

-

-

After the incident this morning between Virgil and Remus, Logan remained seated in the common room, his back straight against the recliner with his laptop placed on his lap. He was researching content for a Sanders side video they will be filming in the evening. He did not do this in his room due to not wanting another incident like this morning. Logan is the only side that is willing to deal with the incidents, while the other sides (particularly Janus and Roman) are too impatient and often make the situation worse. 

Throughout the whole day, Logan continued to research the link between intrusive thoughts and depression. Thomas had recently been showing signs of this mental illness and Logan wanted to bring it up to him via a video. However, there was a small issue, Logan would have to have all the other sides present including Janus and Remus. He needed Janus because Thomas listened to him more than Logan (much to the latter's dismay) and Remus represented intrusive thoughts. It would only be fair to have Remus take part in a discussion about him, even if the light sides had a problem with this. 

Happy with his research, Logan snapped his laptop shut. Due to none of the other sides entering the common room after this morning's incident, Logan concluded it was safe to retreat into his room because he was not needed to split up another argument yet.

To Logan's annoyance, it was time to film the video for Thomas' youtube channel. After the events of putting others first, Logan had started to dread taking part in videos. This was because Janus proved he could take his role as logic, and remain loved and respected whilst providing the necessary information Thomas needed. 

“Enough of the self-loathing, Logan, now is not the time,” Logan muttered to himself as he sank down into Thomas’s living room. This evening is going to be a long one for all of the sides, especially Logan. 

-

-

Logan didn’t know how much longer he could handle the arguing. 

None of the other sides were listening to his facts or solutions, too busy pinning the blame on each other for Thomas’s current problem. Roman and Remus were currently swords to mace, about to start a physical fight, Janus remained by Patton’s side trying and failing to calm him down before he turned back into a frog and Virgil remained curled up on his side, his hoodie covered the majority of him but Logan could still see him shaking. 

 Something had to shut them up.

I will shut them up, Logan thought to himself. Logan became alarmed by the sudden aggressive thoughts. He may have a short fuse but he wasn’t usually aggressive, not without guilt eating away at him. However, this time Logan had no guilt attached to this thought and he shivered at the realisation. 

This time was different he reminded himself and with that thought, Logan snapped

“Will you all shut up and listen to what I have to say for once!” Logan all but screamed at the top of his lungs, ensuring he was heard over the arguing. 

The silence that came after was enough evidence for logan to continue:

“People who suffer from depression often get stuck with a single or even several intrusive thoughts that arise frequently. These types of repetitive intrusive thoughts are known as 'rumination'.”

 “The whole point of me organising this stupid video was to bring this statement to Thomas’ attention and guide him with the help of Janus to seek professional help. You all arguing like a group of immature school children was not part of the script, now if you would excuse me I am going to make myself useful for once and leave” Logan huffed, glad to get that out of his system. Even after snapping, the guilt never choked him like it usually would, which disturbed him greatly.

“Logan, wait!”  Virgil pleaded, but it was too late.

“I said I was leaving, now fuck off and leave me alone” Logan hissed at him, the guilt still not reaching him.

Happy with this statement. Logan sunk out of the living room back to his room, leaving six shocked and petrified individuals behind.

“What just happened?” Thomas said to nobody in particular. 

“I do not know but it’s best to leave him alone, let’s just get this shit show over and done with” Virgil muttered, far too anxious about Logan to care about the video.

Logan what happened to you. Virgil thought. 

-

-

When Logan rose up into his bedroom he could not hold it in anymore. All of the pent-up frustration from being ignored for months became too much for the logical side, causing him to slam his fists into the nearest wall. However, without realizing it, Logan’s fist struck a family photo of all the sides surrounding a very happy Thomas. 

For some reason seeing the shattered photo frame on the floor and the glass sticking out of his broken skin caused something within him to break.

 For the first time in months, Logan allowed himself to cry out all of his frustrations. 

After what seemed like hours, Logan finally got up from his place on his bed. He noted that his eyes were swollen and his hand was covered in dry blood and bruises. He did not want to get up and clean his mistake, but he knew he had to because the others would ask questions and he did not want that. Logan did not want the other side’s sympathy. It was a little too late for them and Thomas to care about him but he had to stay because Thomas needed him. They needed him.

“Do they need you though, Logan? Come on, you’re just as useful as me right now and you know it.” A harsh voice sneered into the cold room. Logan immediately knew who it was. 

“Be quiet Orange, no matter how much Thomas tries to push me aside, I won’t leave because I am his logic, and Thomas needs his logical side. 

“Come on Logan deep down you know I am right, let me prove it to you”

“Let’s just say you were correct in your hypothesis, what happens after that?” Logan sneered. He was far too exhausted to deal with this right now, and he just wanted to sleep.

“Let me show you”

“If I trusted you I would be breaking trust with the others and Thomas and I cannot do that. Thomas’s welfare is my number one priority and I cannot cause any harm to them, no matter how much they have hurt me”

“Oh please Logan, Thomas has not given a shit about you since the beginning. Where is your video, Logan? All the other sides have an episode focused on them, even Remus! And Thomas hates the guy! Do something for yourself for once in your life and listen to me, I can make them listen to you but you have to trust me,” Orange whispered to Logan. Logan knew deep down that what orange was saying was correct, he did not just want to admit it to himself. Until now, that is.

“Fine, what do you have in mind?”

-

-

It has been approximately one hour since Logan had sunk out of the video, and Janus was getting worried. No matter how much he tried to get a hand on Logan and summon, he couldn’t. Logan was unreachable

The twins were arguing and Patton and Janus couldn't find a middle ground. Finally, they summoned Logan, needing an impartial side. But when he appears, something is different.

He was wearing a long-sleeve dress shirt, much fancier than usual. He had streaked eyeliner and his glasses were different. He was not wearing a tie.

“Logan? What happened?” Thomas asked, hesitant like he almost doesn’t want to know.

Patton had his hand to his mouth. He spoke up after a moment, “Logan, you look like… like a dark side. What did you do?”

Logan’s voice was quiet and soft like if he spoke too loud he might break. “I didn’t do anything. I didn’t try to do this, I-” he cut himself off, taking a deep, steadying breath. “I have become obsolete.” His voice broke on the last word and he clamped his mouth shut.

“No, Logan!” Thomas immediately disagreed. “We need Logic!”

Logan nodded, eyes still trained on the floor. “Yes, you do need logic. But . . . you don’t want me”

And with that, Logan sank out for the second time that night, leaving nothing but a cloud of smoke that soon vanished, just like he did.

The others could not do anything but feel the burn within. 

What had they done?

[thesaltminesrph]

PSA: Be Upfront

Communication is important in RP.

Now, to preface, I am not going to use the really awful phrase "it's a hobby not a jobby" because this is a really sketch take on what is important to people. You can have a hobby mean a lot to you, be you a collector, a gardener, someone that builds model airplanes, a writer, an artist, etc. Those are all hobbies, and the fruits of your labor are NOT only valuable to you and others if you are paid for them. This saying implies that should you never be a published author, never have a painting sell, never do something that can be sold or have a time clock punched, it doesn’t at all matter. It’s a really discouraging thing to be telling people, quite honestly. I have multiple hobbies outside of RP. Kind of really sucks to see constantly they don’t matter because nobody pays me for what I do. I know I’m not the only one who has said this, but the majority aren’t willing to say it amongst the clamoring of ‘rp isn’t a job’ because then you get people jumping down your throat. Hear me out though! I’m not done.

“BUT I HAVE REAL LIFE!”

Yes! So do we all! We all have problems, and things to take care of. The RPC is littered with people with mental illness, neurodivergence, chronic physical illness (I hit all three categories multiple times, LUCKY ME!). Do not, I repeat, do not ever feel like you need to put RP before: bills, marriage/children/other relationships, your health. Literally, do not have your takeaway from this post be these are secondary to your hobby. They are not. Do not get evicted because you were too busy doing RP at your desk at work, that’s just plain dumb af.

You owe people decency means:

-if you can only do aesthetic posts this week because you are low on writing spoons, that’s fine

-if you had work/health/mother-in-law take over you life this week and you literally didn’t have time to log-in even though you wanted to, that’s fine

-if you are sick in bed and can’t bother to write, that’s fine

What it also means:

-dropping what was supposedly a years long ooc friendship because the other mun isn’t dropping their current muse for you and following you into a different fandom ‘because they’re now boring’ and telling them as much in a message...is shitty behavior.

-daily reblogging multiple memes that people are sending in to you, your wire, your discord, ignoring both those and messages to plot, then whining on the dash that no one wants to write with you (also known as trying to guilt trip interaction, obviously you only wanted it from one specific person not the people actively engaging you)...is shitty behavior.

-claiming you’re open for plots and memes, then only replying to the one or two people consistently for 6 months...is shitty behavior.

Again, in case it wasn’t clear- it’s your blog, it’s your life, it’s your health. That’s not in question.

HOWEVER- be upfront and give people some honesty! What do I mean by that?

If it’s feasible, post that you need a writing break, even if it’s going to be indefinite. Take as many fucking breaks as you need to for your physical and mental health to be the best they can be (I’m not going to say great, as I know what it’s like to just have a ‘good’ health day mean ‘it’s less shit than it could be’).

But if the situation is really you only want to write with these one or two people, just say so! It’s your blog, you’re allowed to decide you’re closed for plots, asks, etc. Just don’t lead people on. Don’t say something and mean something else. Don’t keep reblogging your promo and really you don’t want to write,  and you don’t plan on taking on new mutuals, and don’t plan on replying to dms or threads from anyone else.

I’ll repeat it a little differently to be sure it’s clear- you dictate your activity level and number of mutuals, when you answer asks, threads, etc. This should be at a level that is suited for you and your life, health, etc.

BUT when you engage in RP you are involving someone else’s free time with yours, and it is not fair to them to act like they do not matter. You have involved someone else. Until you disengage from them, be courteous.

I’ll give you an example. When you ask for that starter on both your dash, then DMs, and act super hyped, getting the other mun excited for it, and then they put the time and effort into writing it up and posting it for you, expecting a reply? Only for you to go and make new blogs and immediately ditch that muse without a heads-up? That’s not really fair to the other mun. You communicated you wanted to write this, you hyped them up, they spent their time and writing spoons on your starter...and then you told them other people were more exciting and a better use of your time.

“BUT I DIDN’T TELL THEM THAT!”

Okay, so you didn’t message them ‘Hey loser, your starter sucked, your muse is boring, and honestly, a different fandom is better! Bye!’ But your actions sure give that impression, and unless you communicate otherwise, it’s a shitty move.

Now yes, sometimes you genuinely forget a starter was written because you thought it was drafted and it wasn’t, dumblr is an ass and loses your draft and then you forgot it, something came up that day and bumped it from your mind, etc. NONE OF THESE ARE WHAT I AM REFERRING TO. I have ADHD, object permanence is the thing my brain does where often unless it’s directly in front of my face, it doesn’t exist, until I find it again. I’m aware these things happen, as are most muns, and we don’t mind! Hell, we usually have in our rules “hey if it’s been a hot minute and we haven’t replied to this, feel free to give us a little nudge to see if it’s been lost” because we all know between brains and dumblr’s everlasting fuckery...shit gets lost.

I’m talking about those times where you just up and leave someone hanging without communication. I’m also not saying it might even be on purpose. What I’m saying is you should consider how other muns feel when you do this, and if you cannot avoid it, at least communicate with them.

“Hey, I’m just no longer going to be writing this muse. Sorry I had you write that starter. Do you want to try something with this new one? This is where my brain is at right now.” “Hey I really can’t be online this month thanks to fill-in-the-blank but I do still want to write when I am able.” “Hey, I see you sent in that ask. I’m only interested in this one ship, and I won’t be taking on new threads, but you’re welcome to follow and maybe I’ll take on new threads later. I’m just writing with these two people right now.”

Communication is something that is a requirement in a collaborative hobby.

I know it can be scary. I know the mentality ‘well they reblogged that meme but it’s not for me, I know they said they want to plot but they don’t mean me’, but you really have to get past that when you roleplay to be fair to other people.

Spoiler alert: the examples of shitty behavior further above are what help feed this ‘that post/meme isn’t for me’ mentality, when you do those things you’re fostering people’s anxiety and rejection sensitivity...just saying.

If someone gets mad at you for communicating with them, they’re a shitty person and block them. Literally if someone has a problem with you for trying to start something, especially as mutuals, you’re losing nothing by not writing with them. Find nicer people. So don’t  be afraid to communicate you can’t write currently, you need a break, you’re only writing with these certain people. And don’t be afraid to send in the meme. I promise you, the right people appreciate courteous communication. The ones that don’t...

Again, no one is saying put your life on hold for RP, you’re never allowed to narrow your scope, you’re supposed to always have writing spoons, you need to produce five replies a day or you’re wrong, you always need to log-in to communicate you had a family emergency/depressive episode/etc.

What I am saying, is if you are capable of communicating, respect the time and energy of your fellow muns who may also be very low on spoons and free time themselves, and be honest about where you are at when it comes to taking on new threads, new asks, new partners, etc. Treat others how you want to be treated, and consider you probably wouldn’t like being on the receiving end of the behaviors I’ve described. If you need to be on the clock being paid to be a nice person...please re-evaluate.

[creepy-bi-day]

I'd definitely would like to know how did Hayden and Toby met and what is Hayden's trauma? Now you got me intrigued

Also, i showed this to my bf and he freaked out too. He's not into creepypasta but he knows i am, however, is a funny coincidence

*cracks knuckles*

B e t. Also, tell your bf I say hi!

SO

TW: alcohol, death, blood, slight gore, suicide attempts, mentions of sexual assault, transphobia, homophobia

Hayden started as my proxysona and kind of evolved into his own character.

He was a way for me to cope, and still is.

Majority of his trauma stems from the military, and added onto his unsupportive family.

Hayden was born Haley Mitchells, and joined the military as a way to escape the toxicity of a home of alcoholics. He does not regret this, and honestly thinks that its one of the best things he ever did.

He joined as a medic, and loved it! He enjoyed being able to treat people, help them, and so on. Including the nights of alcohol where he would stick his friends with IVs to let them drink more.

He deployed twice, and the second time was the one that ended up making him crack.

His best friend, Jack, was on a patrol with him. Everything was going smoothly until Jack stepped on a bomb.

Hayden froze, watching his best friend bleed out in front of him, and beg for him to make it go away. By the time Hayden snapped out of it, all Hayden could do was give him a dose of morphine to try and lessen the pain as his best friend died in his arms.

Going back to base was a disaster.

Jack was the only one that stood up for Hayden, and once he was gone...

Hayden did not leave his room majority of the time left, mostly to avoid harassment and assault from other soldiers.

Coming home, Hayden tried to go and apologize to Jack’s fiancé and parents, trying to make things right. He was quickly turned away, violently, at that. Being screamed at that Jack’s death was his fault weighed heavily and led him to drink, much like his parents.

Toby met Hayden during one of Hayden’s depressive episodes.

Hayden was wandering around the woods, completely plastered, and trying to hype himself up to ‘ending it’, repeatedly muttering that “it’s my fault”.

So this is where a bit of my headcanons come into play??

I have this idea that all the proxies are essentially like selling their soul to slender, and receive Gifts in turn. Each Gift is personalized to the proxy, but one thing they all have in common are Bonds. (I saw this idea on an AO3 story a while ago and I love it). So, Toby, walking around after being told someone was trespassing, runs into Hayden.

Hayden is Toby’s bond.

He beings them back to the house, and, long story short, Slender essentially decided a medic is an important proxy to have.

How Hayden met Jack was another story.

But yeah! That’s the basics of my baby boy!

[extemporaneousmusings]

2020 reflections below

To be honest, 2020 has been the best year I’ve had since 2016. Obviously on a global scale it has been absolutely devastating, and there are aspects of my life that were significantly impacted by the pandemic—I had to leave Greece suddenly in March, several months earlier than anticipated, and in doing so lost some crucial time that I was supposed to have spent with the physical materials of my dissertation—but on a personal level this year has been the most stable and comfortable I’ve been since my accident in 2017. I was not dealing with a massive physical or mental health crisis, or the immediate aftermaths of either of those things, and that is something I do not take lightly.

I spent the first 3 months of the year hiking across Greece, basically. It was really tough—I was pretty depressed, although my meds had just been boosted so I was feeling better than I had in fall of 2019, and obviously missing Ian and Macy was not an easy thing to sit with—but I did it! I had literally planned my entire life for the past 5 years around this time in Greece, and even though we didn’t completely finish the program and the scheduled trips, I still accomplished what I set out to do: I was able to do the hikes and got to explore the country that I love. After my accident, my sole goal was to be able to get my ankle to a place where I could do the program. It was really fucking hard, and there’s still so much more work I can do on my ankle (which is a source of deep resentment for me, something I’m working on) but at the end of the day, I got myself to a place where I could, with some difficulty, do this really physically strenuous thing that had been such a major goal of mine for years. I got to travel the Greek countryside and see hundreds of archaeological sites in a way that is basically impossible unless you’re doing it with the American School. Mentally I was not as present as I would have liked to be, which is something I think I’ll always regret, but I gave it all I had, mentally and physically. Even if I am hazy on a lot of the details, I’ll remember the exultant physical sensations of reaching a peak and taking in the view below, the sweet succulent taste of oranges in the height of their season, plucked straight off the tree, searching every museum for my pots, pushing myself physically to the limit every day but still being able to wake up and do it again the next, trying regional cuisine from across the country, and the camaraderie that all of us built together on that bus and on those hikes. And of course, the saving grace and defining point of the school year for me was spending time with Ev. He already was one of my best friends, so the opportunity to go on this adventure together was so exciting, but he really kept me sane, made me laugh with his stupid fucking jokes, stayed in the back of the pack with me when I was having especially bad ankle days, and our companionship brought me so much joy and support. It’s very likely that we’ll never live in the same place together again, and I will always cherish the time we had together this past year.

My life since returning to Cincy in March has been very stable and consistent. Except for having to TA on campus on Friday’s during the fall, we’ve both just been at home. E’s been out of a job the whole time, but we are very lucky that (bc Cincy is so affordable) just my grad student salary has been able to financially support us. Money is tight, all my savings are gone after Macy’s surgery in July, but we are very lucky to have support systems to rely upon should we need to (fingers crossed we won’t), and that for now, just my income alone can pay all of the bills so that Ian does not have to be on the front lines at the bar, physically interacting with everyone who is still comfortable and selfish enough to be out partying during a global pandemic.

The biggest joy for me of this year was getting to spend 8 beautiful months with Macy. We had her for 3 months before I left for Greece last September, but I feel so blessed to have had more time with the three of us as a family this year, and to spend so much uninterrupted time with her because we were just in the apartment all of the time. I’ve written what seems like a lot about losing her, so I’m not really going to dwell on it, but despite her death I am still so happy to have had the time with her that I did, and to have loved and been so loved in return. I’m hopeful that I can build a relationship with Lulu like I had with Macy, and that as she settles in and settles down, and becomes secure in this new home, that our new family of three can thrive. Another element to this is the fact that basically our only physical socialization with friends came from going on dog walks, mainly with S&D. Since March we’ve seen them almost weekly and it’s been such a good routine and way to see them safely. We’ll all be getting more of a workout with Lulu, though. She’s much more intense about walks than Macy was.

When I first got back from Greece, I needed to just luxuriate in being home, and shortly after that I fell into the hockey rabbit hole. Which has been lovely, truly! I had been feeling a bit stagnant fandom wise, and it was so nice to have a whole new world opened to me, and to see a bunch of my mutuals all going through the process simultaneously was so fun. I still haven’t written anything, and I’m definitely not as involved as a lot of people, but I’ve never been someone who is super funny in quippy posts or makes a lot of connections quickly. But I’ve really been enjoying it, and I’m hoping that in 2021 I’ll be able to post some fic and make some more friends. My ephemeral relationships with people on tumblr have been important to me for many years, but I definitely have appreciated it the most this past year. Tumblr is a really big part of my life, and I love interacting with people/when people interact with my personal posts. It’s nice to have found a little pocket of the internet where I am safe and comfortable and around people I genuinely like.

Getting into hockey did divert my attention from my mental health, and the ways it was impacting my work, for a solid two months, though. I very much used it as a crutch to avoid some bigger issues that needed my focus, which I was diverting to think about big men fucking each other. In August I started seeing a therapist again. We had worked together briefly after my manic episode, because my old therapist had gotten a new job so she took me on for like a month before I left for Greece, and working with her again has been so helpful. I am so fortunate to have healthcare through grad school that makes going to therapy extremely affordable. It’s seriously been a saving grace for me. By working on my mental health consistently I have brought myself to a better, more stable and comfortable place than I’ve been in in years, and I feel empowered to continue on this path to keep accumulating skills and mental fortitude to help me in the future.

As a result of my consistent work on my mental heath, I’ve also been able to develop a much better, healthier relationship with work/my research more specifically. This summer I was in a place where I felt like it was impossible for me to write my proposal, let alone an actual dissertation, but I did write my proposal! And I’ve been building up routines and stamina and now feel like I actually can get this PhD. Which is great. I know it’s not going to be easy, and that I have a lot of difficulty ahead of me still, but I feel very confident in my ideas, and I am so much better equipped to handle things than before.

So yeah, I think that’s pretty much it. For 2021, I want to just keep going in the path that I’ve been forging for myself. The next things I’ll be focusing on are more intentionally working with my ankle, to try and alleviate the somewhat antagonistic relationship I have with it, and to feel more physically capable. I think that re-integrating yoga into my life will be big here, it’s been really helpful for me before, but I’ve let it slip, and then we’ll see what else I can do to help with this. I also want to continue to reinforce a work routine that suits me and maintain/adjust it when I (almost certainly) make the move back to Athens in September. And finally, I really want to post some TK/Patty fic! I have some ideas, some word docs, some (imo) well-selected lyrics for titles, and I just need to dig in a little more and try and unclench my mental knot of perfectionism, as I’ve been learning to ease it with regards to work stuff.

[constablewrites]

In Which I Give Way Too Much Thought to the Sex Lives of Animated Characters

I’ve fallen off the wagon on my weekly posts here, because ::gestures vaguely at 2020:: It isn’t that I haven’t had observations to make, more that I lacked the particular motivation to actually write them up. But there’s one thing that can always drive me to the keyboard: getting nice and annoyed!

Star Wars Rebels is a deeply irritating show, mainly because when it is good, it is truly excellent, but there’s a lot of meh to wade through to reach those moments. It seems to be aimed at a younger audience than Clone Wars, and lacks that show’s advantages of both the well-established characters from the films and its urgent newsreel energy (because who needs Act I when Tom Kane can just yell exposition at you). There are a lot of interesting ideas and setups in Rebels that just never get properly explored, but the one I found most disappointing was the relationship between Kanan and Hera.

(Major spoilers after the cut. Go watch the show, it’s not terribly long and, as I said, the good stuff is really good.)

I was surprised by how much Kanan’s character grabbed me. Maybe it’s because I find the concept--someone who knows he’s unfit to be a mentor but has no choice but to fake his way through--to be highly relatable as an elder millennial, or maybe it’s just that I glom onto protector characters. He has great chemistry with Hera, and I am a shipper of the highest order. So when the final season started focusing on their romance, it should have been catnip for me.

Reader, it was not.

Oh, the interrupted kiss when they’re trying to get out of the city on Lothal is solid ship-tease stuff, to be sure. But then you get to 4x7 “Kindred” (not gonna link a video because I couldn’t find a good one and the damn things always get taken down later anyway). Kanan asks if she’s ever thought about their future together, Hera demurs and says that he knows how she feels. He isn’t so sure, so after a bit of cockblocking from the A-plot, she kisses him for the first time (that we see). The exchange is brief and doesn’t quite fit the established dynamic, but it’s fine.

The problem is, immediately after that kiss, she gets on a ship and leaves for rebel command. The next time Kanan sees her is the rescue mission that kills him. So for the [Babies Ever After] epilogue to make sense, one of these things must be true:

Force ghosts can fuck

They find time during the harrowing escape to sneak away and hook up

Hera is already pregnant when she leaves Lothal

Not only do the first two seem unlikely, but the third point works with most of the rest of the series. A show with such a young audience was probably never going to state outright that two characters are doing it, so they just have to imply it in ways that older viewers will pick up on: Hera calls Kanan “dear” in the very first episode. They talk to each other about things they don’t talk about with the rest of the crew. And Kanan being squirrelly on Ryloth? That isn’t a guy meeting the father of his best friend or even his crush, that is [recognizably] a guy meeting the father of the girl he’s boinking.

I don’t have a problem with a kids’ show not getting into detail about the love lives of its parental figures, and I honestly think more media should feature healthy, established couples. But I feel like the writers realized that they couldn’t show the impact Kanan’s death has on Hera if their relationship is entirely off-screen. So they did finally make it clear that this is a romance--but they did it in a way that makes it seem like the romance started right there at the end, since Hera’s unhappy “We’ve talked about this before” gives the impression that she’s turned him down in the past. And that just doesn’t add up. (Not to mention the sudden ramp-up makes it pretty obvious that one of them is gonna die.)

But this isn’t Fandom Bitching Wednesdays. Was there a way to do it differently?

Potential fix: Cut the kid. Probably the most straightforward, since that’s what creates the out-and-out plot hole Issues: Also the most depressing option. Kanan’s son is the thing that gives him a happy(ish) ending, allowing a part of him to live on beyond just the memories of his friends. Plus, it makes their interactions in the early seasons kinda confusing if they were never supposed to be in a relationship at all.

Potential fix: They were in a relationship but were very private about it and avoided any PDA around the rest of the crew. Conversation plays out more or less the same, but Hera’s reluctance to talk is because she’s aware that the others are watching, and the kiss is significant because she’s choosing not to hide anymore. Issues: My vote for most satisfying option, but would still benefit from a scene or two earlier in the series setting it up. Also means that if you wanted to keep the bit at the fuel depot where Hera tells Kanan she loves him as a big climactic moment, you would definitely need to establish why she’s never said it before. (Especially because she calls him “love” during the evacuation of Chopper Base.) There are plenty of options for this that would fit in with her character--perhaps something about her own parents, or how they’re in a war, or how she just thinks it’s less complicated if no one knows--but you would have to pick one and show it.

Potential fix: They were in a relationship but it wasn’t “serious,” or perhaps was even a strictly friends-with-benefits arrangement. So when Kanan is asking about their future, it’s not a new thing but an escalation, and builds more naturally toward Hera saying she loves him. Issues: This is how I tried to headcanon it initially, because it’s the only thing that makes any of it make sense as-is. And it’s easy to see how Kanan would have initially been happy with that setup (more on that in a second), but less so for Hera, with her pet names and talk of how they’re a family. As above, her reason for putting up that barrier, and for keeping it up this long, would need to be clearly established.

Potential fix: FWB but reverse this scene: Hera is the one who wants more and Kanan is resisting. I mean, come on guys, the “Jedi are forbidden to form attachments” thing was right there. It’s a stupid rule, but you have the opportunity for Kanan to acknowledge it as a stupid rule and reject it. Kanan is also exactly the kind of guy who would try to ride out the loophole of “It’s okay that I’m in love with her if I never say it or call her my girlfriend.” Variant: they were in a typical relationship but Kanan pulled back when he trained with Bendu to control his emotions, so what Hera wants isn’t something new, but rather what they had before. Issues: The dynamic of “girl wants romance, boy can’t express emotions” is pretty played out. The fact that Kanan broaches the topic by asking what would end her involvement with the Rebellion further adds an interesting angle that builds on stuff that’s been brought up before--war is all she’s ever known so she doesn’t shy from it, while he feels like he’s already survived one war and wants to be done with it--and you lose that if she’s the one who raises the question. It also follows that he would then be the one to say “I love you” at the fuel depot, which somewhat dampens the power of his sacrifice to say that for him.

Perhaps the real lesson here is that sometimes there aren’t any perfect solutions to story problems, just a series of trade-offs. This is especially true in a serialized medium, where part of the story might already be out there by the time you realize you would need to make changes to it to properly set up where you want to take it. If you missed the chance to show us a very important conversation, the best you can do might just be to reference that it happened and hope (in vain) that your audience will just roll with it instead of being nitpicky bastards.

And maybe Force ghosts just fuck, I dunno.

[humanoidmindbox]

Us Vs. Them

Abstract

In this essay, I will be assessing my personal feelings and attitudes toward different and defined groups. During this analysis, I will be breaking up the population into four groups: Us, Them, Allies, and Enemies. These groups have been formulated by and based on the workings and fields of psychology, psychiatry, individuals with mental illnesses (including me) and how societal norms fit into issues raised in this paper. I hope you find this to be worthwhile and I hope this sparks the fire of your intellectual flame.

-‐----------------------------------------

The American population, in the terms of mental illness, psychology, and sociology, fall into one of four categories which are detailed below:

US

This group of people are those who suffer from profound mental illness. The affliction must be (Your illness doesn't have to be all of these things, but it must be most of them):

Chronic; recurring; cause suffering; affect your relationships with others; make it so you cannot keep a job; make it so you cannot function in society; possibly get government compensation for your illness; *been hospitalized in the psych ward; been arrested when your symptoms were active; reckless and/or impulsive behaviors; suicide attempt(s); and became violent when your symptoms were active. 

Them

These people are the majority of the population. They blindly follow pop culture and buy into what the masses are doing, believing, and saying. They do not have severe mental illness although they may be diagnosed with the garden-variety depression and anxiety. They have never been to inpatient for mental disorders, except maybe once, a long time ago. They will try to relate to you when it comes to mental health but they are just regurgitating what the trendy treatments and hardships are (the commonplace “social anxiety” is on the rage right now). In the inpatient hospital, the Them are the hospital staff. Especially the ones who give you the shot and put you in isolation. They are the ones who pink slip you and call the police. They think drugs are bad. You can’t truly trust Them. They don’t understand you and they probably never will. Most of Them are not hateful or mean. They are just ignorant, inexperienced, and constantly lecturing you or preaching to you. Most of Them view you as less-than, whether it is intended or not. 

Allies

Imagine a straight line down the middle of a square. This divides the “Us” and “Them” that we already went over. But directly on that line, not leaning to one side or the other, sits the “Allies.” The Us’s allies have most likely not gone to the mental hospital except maybe once, long ago. But they have a mental illness that brings them suffering. They may be in mental health treatment. They struggle almost every day and their behaviors reflect that. They are a part of society and will never and have never been deemed unfit to be a working part of society. They get along with others although they feel like no one completely understands them. They do not blindly follow all of pop culture’s rules and trends. They support the Us. We can trust them somewhat. They are our allies. 

Enemies 

The Enemies only exist within the “Them” group. They are the ones we must watch the most carefully and never trust. Most of “Us'' do not have many Enemies on the outside but we have plenty of Enemies on the inside (inpatient). The Enemies at the hospital are those who give you the shot after they have to hold you down when you’re screaming and thrashing around because you’re so fucking freaked out. They are the ones who put you in four point restraints and let you “tire yourself out.” On the outside, the police are the Enemy for apprehending you while they get a pink slip. They are anyone who pink slips you. The Enemy tells you that you’re crazy when you know you are doing well. They threaten the hospital and hang it over your head. The Enemy treats you unfairly because something that you cannot control or help is wrong with you. The reason why Them can never be fully trusted is because any one of Them could become the Enemy at any time.

-------------------------------------------------------

I first felt the “Us Vs. Them” divide when I started frequenting mental hospitals. And when I started showing signs of severe  symptoms of mental illness. In the hospital, you are a “rat in a cage” (Smashing Pumpkins song) with the staff holding the only key to get out. A drastic power imbalance exists between the staff and the patient: we are the prisoners and they are the guards. All we want to do is get out. All we want to do is go home. And if not home, then at least to a different, free place. 

When I had my major mental breakdown/manic episode of winter 2019, I had been taking my medications- they were just the wrong ones. In the cage, you must take your medications, whether you want to or not. Whether you trust Them or not. If you refuse medication, They take you to court and get a court order forcing you to take your medication while you are inpatient. 

There are some key ways that the “Us” and the “Them” are different in the mental hospital dynamic. They own your body: you are forced to take medications, you are locked in a box (hopefully not isolation). You can’t hurt yourself and if you do, you will stay longer (same goes for violence against others). They control your behaviors: They deem what is “appropriate” and “inappropriate” behaviors. If you break the rules surrounding these behaviors, you will get the shot, isolation, moved to a worse ward (for the more violent and disruptive patients), restraint holds, staying longer, or any combination of these events. The worst one I can think of is moving wards up a number. They try to brain-wash you: They say: “There is only one way to live life and we know the correct way to live it.” “The correct way to live is only what we arbitrarily and subjectively call “healthy coping mechanisms” and you must abandon all “unhealthy” ones in order to live life correctly and avoid being society’s pariah.” “Your only hope to be a functioning person is to abide by the teachings of CBT and DBT. All other methods will not work.” They have the opinion that their methods of recovery always  work and if you are not having positive effects from their treatments, you must be doing it wrong- they deny that their treatments do not work for everybody and fail to recognize that the “bad” coping mechanisms are the only way that certain people can get by.

When you are mandated as an inpatient in the hospital, you have no rights. They take away your rights as a person. They tell you where to go, what to eat, and they control how long you are in there, what medication you take, and worst of all- when you get put down like a dog with a shot or when you switch to a more severe level. You are treated like an animal in a cage, and there is nothing that you can do about it. Losing control of your own body to this degree leads to something inside of you breaking  and you turning into a feral animal (hospital song). After that happens (especially if it happens multiple times), you are never the same. 

There are laws to keep other people from harming you or your property. I believe that it is a good thing that these laws are in place and that they should be upheld. But there are also laws that are made to prevent you from harming yourself and I don’t think such laws should exist. Once again, I question what the authorities, our working society (Them) and the masses (Them) deem “harmful” and ultimately illegal.

Most people in society simply follow popular culture. They just look to what the majority of others do and follow suit. But they have blinders on: they don’t see that they come up with justifications and sorry attempts at reasons to back-up their choice to blindly follow the majority.

The authorities and society says:

Drugs = Bad→ Laws against it.

Self-harm = Bad→ No laws against it but there is intense societal disapproval and shaming connected to it.

*It is the least harmful on this list because it does not alter your mood or drastically change your brain chemistry for prolonged periods of time. But, apparently, it is the most shocking and the most taboo. 

Medication = Good→ Sometimes there are laws enforcing it.  

I believe all of these things can be good or bad depending on the specific person that it affects. Everyone is different and if you simply follow what pop culture’s opinion is on these issues without looking into them further, it shows ignorance, a lack of curiosity and exploration, rigidity, and a propensity towards the judgement of others. It often signifies that the “Them” in question is too weak to think for themselves and to withstand society’s brainwashing. 

I will never think of cutting or drugs as “bad coping skills.” “Good coping skills” consist of talking about your issues and crying according to the “Them.” And according to the hospitals, CBT, and DBT, good coping skills include activities like aroma therapy and drawing. But what do these things do? Nothing. You need a release or a change in the state of mind. Talking about what upsets you is just reliving it all over again. Plus, what if you do not trust anyone enough to tell them what's on your mind? Crying is bullshit. I feel that it is pathetic for me to cry. That’s just how I feel. I have trained myself not to. So why should I do something detrimental to myself when I am already in distress? “Good” coping skills don’t really work and only the simple-minded buy into them. “Bad” coping skills shouldn’t be judged as bad or taboo just because others have all-or-none thinking about them when it's the only thing that helps some people.

Medication: Taking medication should be the mentally ill’s choice. Medication is not right for everybody; it is not always the best thing to do. Not everyone likes themselves on medication. Who are we to judge if a person is the “correct” version of themselves or not? Forcing someone to take psychiatric medications is rooted in a power and control structure that overshadows others. I believe that we should leave others alone when it comes to this and let them live how they want to live. Just because we’re mentally ill, doesn't mean we have to do what you want with our bodies anymore.

In conclusion, I believe individuals and society as a whole should look beyond the systems of the law, procedures in mental health facilities, standard practices of therapies, pop culture trends/rules , and societal norms to find each of our unique spots in this society. We need to rethink what is considered “unhealthy” and what is “healthy” and why we put actions into those categories. We need to be more open and steer clear of letting others dictate what we believe. I’m tired of being lectured and shamed. Let's move on together. 

[amandaklwrites]

TV Series Review: The Haunting of Hill House (2018)

Genre: Horror/Psychological Thriller

Rating: 10/10

TV Show Review:

Is it possible for me to give a million stars to something? No? Okay, I guess I will anyway.

Let me start this review by saying that I am in no way a horror movie person. The “worst thing” I have ever seen was CRIMSON PEAK, and even that I didn’t finish because the ending was too gory for me (I do know what happened, though). When I was a kid, Disney’s HAUNTED MANSION movie scared the living hell out of me, and now, it’s one of my favorites. So, for me to say that THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE was one of the best things I have ever watched says A. LOT.

I don’t even read horror books. I have found a few that I love—I’m looking at you Cat Winters and Simone St. James—and I’ve noticed, for me, it’s a certain type of horror. I have no care for the movies that are all about the jump scares or gory bullshit or serial killers chasing people around. To me, those stories have no substance (sorry to those fans, but that’s my personal opinion from what I’ve heard). I like the eerie, the idea that something is peering over your shoulder, and the play with darkness. I also like when stories are extremely character driven. A plot can be pretty terrible, but if I love the characters, then I don’t care if it lacks.

Which leads me into why I love this series. I love the characters, I love the vibe, I love the layers of interpretations.

For me, the characters are the best. I love the kids (Steven, Shirley, Theo, Luke and Nell), and the parents (Hugh and Olivia), and everyone else, but especially the family. I feel that they were all created so uniquely, with their own personalities and flaws and they all felt real. Like I was watching something real instead of scripted. Even how they respond to these events in their life are different (I have learned that Mike Flanagan specifically did it so each sibling represented a different stage of grief, which is SO BRILLIANT). And the strong relationship between them all, and their family unit with Hugh and Olivia as a strong couple of parents.

I loved how the story was told. That everything was unfolding with each episode, that pieces were pulled together with each siblings’ POV, and as everything started to ramp up. I like storytelling like this personally, as I don’t think it has to be told in a linear line. Sometimes, that’s not how telling your past works. So I think it reflects that idea well.

The haunting and ghosts were amazing. I loved the different kinds there were, and ones that seemed so new and original. I will say my personal favorite was the bowler hat guy, because not only is he rad, but he makes me think. Why is he so huge, why is he floating, and if he can float, why is his cane touching the ground? He doesn’t make sense, he’s a mix-match of so many things, and that’s what I love the most. That he isn’t like other ghosts I’ve heard about.

For me, I love how Mike Flanagan made the story about both ghosts and the psychological aspects of humanity. Without spoiling too much in this section, I think he made it a balance. Which is what I believe in. That there can be ghosts in this world, trapped in a house, but there is so much psychology behind it. That a house can be alive with the past and its own ghosts, but how you respond to it is up to you.

From here, I’m going to talk about some spoilery thoughts I have. So, if you haven’t seen the show and don’t want to be spoiled, please don’t continue. But if you have, or you don’t care about being spoiled, please do click on the “keep reading!”

Okay, so more on what I was trying to say with the whole ghost and psychology thing. For me, I’ve always believed that ghosts are real (I’ve lost count of how many experiences I have had, and I see ghosts all the time, and they seem to love following me around), so the idea of all these ghosts living in a house doesn’t seem unreal to me. I’ve been in places that feel like absolute rotting hell and I have to get out of there. I do believe that ghosts have a lingering bad energy and can seem evil. But to me, I don’t think ghosts possess or attack people (like, to kill them). I think at that point, there’s a psychology to it. Have you ever watched a horror movie and can’t sleep because you’re convinced there’s a ghost staring at your back? That’s how I think of it with a creepy house full of ghosts, you can be convinced that something will drive you mad. Which, for me, Flanagan created a good balance of both for this show, at least in my opinion. Because, we see all these ghosts, and after only a couple of instances, none of them attack anyone. They don’t hurt anybody. They’re just there. To them, the Crain family are the ghosts and what the devil are they doing there??

Which brings me around to Olivia. We all knew she would be brought up sometime, and her demise and descent into madness. I knew there was something with her from the very beginning (unfortunately), but I didn’t realize that she attempted to kill her two youngest kids, and actually did kill a little girl. I never even guessed it. But I knew she was losing her mind as more and more time went along. But I can see it. I mean, it does make some sense to a degree. Who isn’t scared that the world will tear apart their children, especially ones like Luke and Nell who are clearly caring and empaths? I’m an empath and I care so much sometimes that I feel like I get disappointed and hurt all the time. And I have heard my own mom talk about her concerns of me growing up that I will fall apart (and actually, I did at one point). So I 100% understand Olivia’s mindset. But I have the thought process that I don’t think the ghost of Poppy Hill controlled and manipulated her into killing her children. I personally feel like Olivia had mental illness stuff long before the house (I mean, the weird headaches??), and Poppy was a projection of those feelings and thoughts she was already having. I mean, we hadn’t even seen Poppy until Olivia was really thinking like that. I’m not saying that the ghost had no part in it, not at all. I think if you are unstable in the first place, and then you go to a place that seems to have this bad, lingering energy, your mind can spin out of control. I briefly mentioned that I have been in places that feel so haunted. I was deep inside a ship with my grandparents at one point, and I stood in one spot and I literally felt someone shove me back and then I couldn’t breathe. For like five seconds, I felt like I was losing my mind. I felt like I was dying and I wanted it to stop. (Turns out, someone had been crushed to death right where that had happened, which I found out afterward). So, I know what I’m talking about. In my opinion, that was Olivia’s case, since that was what had happened to me. I’ve also fell into such deep depression that my thoughts were erratic. So, somewhere along her time in this house, with her mind already in tatters, and listening to a maniac ghost who had been in an asylum, she lost it, she cracked. And that makes her so fascinating, doesn’t it?

I loved the kids. I loved all of them. But I do have to say, my personal favorite was Luke. He was so quiet and sincere, and he grew up and became a junkie. He was haunted by what happened in that house—and somehow, I think, he knew what his mother was trying to do to him and Nell. I know they were little and didn’t fully understand, but I think as you get older, you have to look back and think about it. This little girl with you had died after drinking tea. He may not totally realize it, but I think deep in his subconscious, he knew what happened. And how does someone live with that? Not only is he traumatized because of ghosts and his mother killing herself, but that haunting feeling? To me, that’s why his mother shows up as a ghost to him. Because he knows. But why I also connect with him is because I feel like we share similar personalities. Now, I never got into drugs, but there was a reason for that. It took me my whole life to avoid drugs constantly. Because, especially when my depression was bad in high school, I knew, knew, knew that if I had started playing with drugs, I would become an addict. I just knew it deep down inside of myself, so I stayed away from them. I consciously made a choice to not let that happen to myself. So, I think when I look at Luke, I see a version of myself that could have been. And I also understand it, even if I hadn’t done the drugs myself, if that makes sense? He cared so much that it broke him and that made me cry so much because I get it. I get it.

I’m a literature major, and in my classes, we learned that houses in stories, especially haunted ones, are huge metaphors. They represent the psyche. That’s why we find haunting houses so interesting in stories. So, to me, this house is both a physical entity that can be seen as evil, but it’s also more than that. Like Olivia had said, a house is like a body. It has its own energy, it collects memories, it sees more than any of us have ever had. So I like the idea of a haunted house collecting all these ghosts, and they’re living amongst them. Because isn’t that what hauntings are? Lingering memories, the past clawing after you? And a house perfectly represents that—how many memories, how many people and pasts has it collected over the years? I don’t see the house itself as evil, but all that has happened inside of it. I know the house and ghosts played a huge part of what happened, but we have to give Olivia some responsibility of what happened—she killed a girl and attempted to murder her own kids. I know she was mentally ill, but we can’t blame the ghosts and house itself. I mean, the kids are grown up and living away from the house, and they’re still haunted. So, it’s not only the house. It’s us. It’s humans with our grief and guilt and horror, and we’re remembering it all. But this house is important to them, because it’s where the ghosts reside, it’s where their mom—and then Nell—killed themselves. That’s their ghost.

I think where Flanagan wins is his complex characters, his complex themes and ideas. And that he creates an idea that has so many layers that anyone can interpret things differently. Like for me, I wonder how much the house and ghosts influence the characters and their actions, and vice versa. I think they’re meeting in the middle. And is Olivia evil or good as a ghost? To me, it seems still a bit deranged, because she wants her son to die and be with them. You would think that she would have let go of all that once she had died. But she’s free to choose, and that could be monstrous. But maybe she’s still living in her own hell because of the lingering ghosts and pasts in the house. Maybe you can never quite shake off your past, it’s always there, hanging out in the background.

It’s a complicated show, and that’s what I love about it. I watched it almost a week ago, and I’m still thinking about it. I’m still talking about it to my mom (who has only seen bits) and talking about the different layers and thoughts I have. I loved the sixth episode and how it was filmed in only five shots (who the hell does that???). I think this show is a work of genius, and Mike Flanagan needs all that credit.

This show is such an experience that I loved every single second of it. I want to watch it over and over to catch every little detail, to see if I experience something differently.

It makes me look a little longer at the ghosts that I see pass by me at work all the time now.

[missmentelle]

What exactly do i tell someone who is suicidal but does not want to die (eg wishes they didnt exist but doesnt want to die,has no plans on how they'll die, wtc)? Are they still technically suicidal? Do I tell them to call a hotline? What even do I say at all?

Anyone who expresses any kind of suicidal intent, no matter how mild (including “I would never actually do anything to harm myself in a million years, but I sort of wish I didn’t exist anymore”) is still considered suicidal, and they can absolutely seek help from a suicide hotline. When we are evaluating suicide risk, we start by seeing if the person has any desire to not be here anymore - whether that’s “I want to kill myself” or “I sort of wish I’d just never been born” - and then look for higher-risk warning signs from there. For the record, warning signs that might indicate a person is “moderate” or “high” risk for suicide include some of the following:

Knowing what method they would use to end their lives

Having access to a method of suicide, especially a firearm

Having a time frame for when they want to attempt suicide

Having a detailed plan for suicide

Having made at least one past suicide attempt, even if it was aborted before they actually harmed themselves

Having a diagnosed mental health condition 

Current or past issues with substance abuse

Current or past self-harm, self-injury or intentionally reckless behavior

A family history of suicide

The loss of a friend or loved one to suicide

A recent major life stress, even if it is “positive” - new job, move, end of a relationship, etc.

A recent change in their mental health treatment regime - discharge from hospital, new medication, change of therapist, etc.

Whether someone is at low, moderate or high risk for suicide, the steps for supporting them are more or less the same. Some of the things you can try are:

Encourage them to call a suicide hotline. Suicide hotlines are there as resources for anyone who is toying with thoughts of suicide, even if they feel confident that they would not act on those thoughts. Wanting to stop existing is a sign that you are in pain, and even if your life does not appear to be in imminent danger, it is still appropriate to seek help to cope with that pain in a healthy way. Hotlines are a free and anonymous resource that are available to anyone, and they can be a good starting point. 

Call a suicide hotline yourself, and ask for assistance in supporting your friend. Suicide hotlines receive many, many calls from overwhelmed family and friends asking for assistance in supporting a suicidal loved one, and volunteers receive training in how to assist these callers. They can teach you how to talk to your friend about suicide, point you to some resources, and teach you how to manage your own feelings of helplessness or panic that sometimes come with trying to support a struggling friend. 

Encourage your friend to make a suicide safety plan. You can look online for templates for suicide safety plans, but you don’t necessarily need a fancy template to make one - a simple plan can be just as effective. Basically, making a suicide safety plan involves coming up with a list of things that trigger possible depressive episodes (could include small things, like ‘didn’t get enough sleep the night before’ or big things, like ‘end of a relationship I cared about’). You then want to identify signs that the person is potentially in danger (could be as simple as ‘I start thinking about suicide’ or things like ‘I stop answering my friends’ texts’). Finally, and most importantly, come up with a list of steps that your friend can do to keep themselves safe when they are having suicidal thoughts. This might mean contacting someone (they should create a list of who to contact, with backups in case people don’t answer) or it could mean distracting themselves with TV, a hobby, exercise, etc. They should have enough possible steps laid out on their plan that they will always have at least one effective thing they can do to get them through their rough patches. 

Reiterate that you care about them. It’s okay to just be honest and say “Look, I’m not really sure if there’s anything I can say to make you feel better, but I want you to know that I really care about you and I am here to support you as best I can”. You don’t need to be a trained therapist providing formal mental health counselling here - that’s not what your loved ones expect from you. Just reminding someone that you care about them and that you’re going to do your best to be there for them can mean a lot more than you think. 

Ask your friend what they need. It’s okay to ask your friend directly if it would be more helpful for you to offer advice, or if they just want you to listen to them while they talk about their problems. They may not know exactly what they need, and that’s alright too - the two of you can try to figure it out together. Communicate openly, give them possible suggestions for ways that you can support them, and again, be open about the fact that you’re willing to try to support them in whatever way they feel they need. 

Offer them distractions. Sometimes, people turn to their friends and family when they are suicidal because they want to be distracted from their pain, and not because they want to have an in-depth conversation about all the things that suck in their life. If your friend doesn’t seem to want to talk about what’s going on in great depth, sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is just say “Would it make you feel better if we got some junk food and watched a marathon of your favourite TV show?” Offering to just be with someone and distract them with pleasant things can be more helpful than you realize. 

Acknowledge their pain, and be cautious with optimism. It can be really, really tempting to just bombard a suicidal or depressed person with as much optimism as you possibly can - everything will be fine! You can get through this! It’s always darkest before the dawn! People mean well by doing this, but it comes across as dismissive and disingenuous - it makes people feel that their pain makes people uncomfortable and that they should stop talking about it. Instead, just acknowledge that the other person is in pain and that their situation absolutely sucks right now. Listen to what they say, and let them know that you are hearing them. It’s a simple thing, but it can make a huge difference. It’s okay to provide support and express optimism, but it’s important to be careful about how you do it - instead of “Everything will be fine”, the person might feel a lot more heard if you say “I know everything is not okay right now, and I don’t know when things will start to get better, but I hope that they do and I will be here for you while we wait for that to happen”. 

Stay aware and check in on them regularly. Your friend might be in a place right now where they say they would never hurt themselves, but that can change, and it’s important to check in on them if you feel that their mental health is starting to slide. You don’t need to appoint yourself as their babysitter - their safety is ultimately their responsibility, not yours, and you are not their keeper - but it’s a good idea to just stay aware. If they are not answering messages, or if they haven’t been online in a while, or if they just seem “off” somehow, reach out to them and ask what’s up. If you can’t reach them when you usually can, network with other people in their life to make sure someone has seen them. If you know an important date or event is coming up that could potentially cause them a lot of stress, reach out before, during and after to offer your support. Take care of yourself. Trying to help a very depressed person as a loved one can be exhausting, and it’s important that you don’t also burn yourself out. Try to avoid shouldering too much responsibility here - it’s great to check in and offer support and do what you can, but you ultimately cannot force someone to get help if they don’t want it, and that isn’t your job. It’s okay to take time for yourself, and it’s okay to focus on your other relationships while you are helping this person. Have realistic expectations - this is not a problem that you can fix for someone else. You are there to hold their hand while they go through something painful and remind them that they are loved and cared for, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. Best of luck to you and your friend. Miss Mentelle

[hideawayintheimaginationworld]

I am Machine: Chapter 6

“Let's watch something together Alec!

It was 3:56 pm, Alec and Helpy had made themselves comfortable on Lefty's large bed with pillows all around. It was now obvious Lefty had a lot of pillows on his bed which Helpy had arranged into a pile for them. Helpy had set the tablet on a stand so he didn’t have to hold it in front of them.

“What should we watch?” Helpy asked.

“I dunno, I don't know what you have....” Alec shrugged.

This was the only way to spend time, Lefty was working, most likely singing a happy tune on stage while Helpy explained since the encounter with the rotten teen, going out to see guests just didn't appeal to him anymore, he even said to Alec he was also nearly torn in half once by some grubby kids but Foxy intervened.

Helpy looked at the screen, “Well we have Disney movies like Peter Pan, Winnie the Pooh, Finding Nemo, Monsters Inc., Lilo and Stitch... Ooh, I just remembered! Mike finally put the rest of Phineas and Ferb on here!”

“Phineas and Ferb...?”

“A show about two boys who invent all kinds of crazy things and their pet platypus who is a secret agent.”

“I know, I know, my sister sometimes watches it.....” Alec nodded, “It’s a thing for little kids isn't it?”

“No, me and Lefty watch it!” Helpy was kind of defensive.

“Okay, okay!” Alec did not want to start a fight at this point.

“How about we watch the first episode and you decide what you think!”

Alec never sat down and watched it with Hazel. She had asked if he wanted to watch it, but he always looked at her with a scowl and said “No”, then he'd go find something better to do.

Well he didn’t have anything important to do, “Alright. Let's watch it.”

Alec had seen the animation style before, he and Helpy were both engrossed in it by the end, when it finished, Alec felt kind of disappointed, he found it was actually more enjoyable than he thought.

“Can we watch more?” Alec asked Helpy immediately.

“Sure!” Helpy nodded.

Alec wasn’t sure what time it was when somebody knocked at the door.

Helpy paused the video as they were now watching episode 5, he then turned towards the door and called out, “Who is it?”

“It's Lewis!”

“Oh come in Lewis!” Helpy nodded happily.

Lewis walked into the room, all dressed up, closing the door behind him, “I washed this, it kind of smelled.....” He looked at Alec.

He looked puzzled, he then nervously chuckled slightly, “Okay, you weren’t broken, I suspected you weren't but I didn't know... You were so still when I held you...” He scratched the back of his head.

“This is Alec!” Helpy had introduced him. “We're watching Phineas and Ferb! Do you want to watch with us?”

“Ummmm not today...? Do you want this back?” Lewis held up the blanket Alec would drag around, “I gave it a wash because it had a strange smell on it...”

Alec walked over and grabbed the bottom of it. Lewis allowed it to fall onto the ground.

“Thanks Lewis....”

“You're definitely not a Lonely Freddy... Lefty wouldn’t let one get so close to Helpy when he’s not around..... Ever since what happened that night... The fact he left you alone with Helpy means Lefty has some level of trust in you....” Lewis spoke, sounding very unsure.

“I'm human....” Alec had wrapped himself in the blanket, “Umm... Do you remember a birthday party? For a girl named Hazel? That happened in April?”

“Not particularly....” Lewis frowned and shook his head. He had done so many parties here that he didn’t remember all of them, especially not one that happened months ago, heck he couldn't even remember the ones he did last week. They were all kind of the same.

“She's my sister. I remember you were there, you were playing a ukulele on that day...” Alec did remember seeing him strumming his ukulele.

“I do play the ukulele.....” He nodded. “I’m sorry, I don't know you are. It happened some time ago so I don't remember it, ” He shrugged.

“I was a teenager....” Alec was trying to jog his memory reasoning that he may remember something. “Blonde hair, green eyes... I... Ripped the arm of a Yarg Foxy...” He was absolutely ashamed to admit it now, especially in front of Helpy.

“Wait... I remember something,” Lewis froze, recalling back to an event he did remember happening that could be connected. “A woman with a child... She was a little girl with blonde curls and green eyes. They approached me asking if I had seen an “Alec”, telling me he ran off after he tore the arm of the toy......”

Lewis then nodded as he started to see it clear, “I did see some teenager run pass me about twenty minutes before but I wasn’t sure if that was Alec because he ran by quickly and I barely had time to react before I realise he just ran out of my vision. I saw the toy in question and said we could repair it or replace it... They chose to get it repaired at the workshop in the back of the pizzeria... I think the woman was named Meg... Is that your mother?”

“Yes! Yes! That's her!” Alec nodded.

“I saw her later, she said she found you???” Lewis looked absolutely confused.

Alec knew he must be talking about the Lonely Freddy, “She did... But I was... Helpy said mind swap was the proper term... I'm the real Alec... Lonely Freddy is in my body.”

“It explains why Lefty has left you both unsupervised... So... You are a teenager? I know a little about what Lefty does... So I guess this is magic somehow?”

“Lefty explained what happened was some sort of trance... Hypnosis...” Alec remembered that conversation they had.

“Creepy... I don’t understand this pizzeria at the best of times... Kind of strange rules..... We aren't suppose to mention the legend of the Shadow Puppet... We aren’t told why we shouldn’t....” Lewis muttered.

“Wait the doll! Is it still in the repair studio?” Helpy asked.

“No, it was fixed on the same day... We usually like to fix those things on the same day... Both so we can get that stuff out of the way and to please the customers. They were happy with the repair and I remember I said goodbye to them as they left, I remember because the little girl came up to me and thanked me for taking the toy to be repaired quickly.”

That sounded like something Hazel would do.

“I also spoke to.... Alec... But I guess that wasn't you....”

Alec shook his head, “I need to go home! I'm not suppose to be here! I was ready to apologise for being a jerk and Lonely Freddy stole that from me! He stole my body and he’s stolen my family!!!”

“Alec you need to calm down...” Lewis said.

“No, no, no, no! No! I'm suppose to be human like you! I'm stuck like this and I'm scared I'll never go home! I don't want to be here! This place is creepy at night and this... This is too much for me....” Alec held his head in his hands.

Lewis looked around, he had to take in a lot at once. All he really understood was that this thing was suppose to be a child who was trapped in the worse kind of prison. Alec, this poor kid... Was breaking apart. Lewis couldn’t possibly imagine how much pain and grief he was feeling, all at once. Anger, depression, such powerful emotions a child should never have to experience, especially when the circumstances were considered.

Lewis looked at Helpy, who looked the exact same as he did. Trying to process this and figuring out what to do next.

This was the first time Lewis had to ever deal with an intense mental breakdown, especially with someone older, he usually would tend to kids who were younger and their problems could be fixed as quick as a snap of his finger. Teenagers never would get upset.

“Alec....” Lewis started, “I... I... I can't help you...”

Alec expected that answer.

“But I will do you anything you ask of me in regards to this.”

He didn’t expect that.

“Would you like a hug? I usually allow kids to hug me when they're sad, they say I'm cuddly.”

That was really unexpected.

Lewis kneeled down and stretched out his arms, Alec slowly walked towards him then crashed into his arms, he felt himself cry but it was strange, his tears felt really hot.

“Helpy, maybe go find something to calm Alec down..? Maybe something sweet like a chocolate chip cookie?” Lewis asked.

“Okay...” Alec heard Helpy leave the room and his eyes rested on the ground.

“Alec... Are you okay?”

“No,” Alec answered.

“It's okay to feel your emotions... I’d probably have a breakdown also if I was a teddy bear....” Lewis spoke and pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, he then handed it to Alec who was using it to wipe his face.

“I can't imagine being away against my will, in a strange place, away from my family... I can't imagine how much you are hurting... Alec... When did this happen if you don't mind answering...?”

“April...” Alec answered in a weak voice, “How much time has passed Lewis?”

Lewis honestly didn't want to answer, because he knew it was going to shock him, but he did, “It's now August the 2nd... You've been like this for about four months..... I'm sorry Alec.... We got rid of the Lonely Freddy's in late April. I read the official decommissioning documentations, they were taken out of service because they kept breaking, and there were multiple complaints about them acting strange. They apparently were asking questions that they aren’t programmed to ask, things like “what’s your biggest regret?”, they shouldn’t know let alone be asking that sort of stuff... It's insensitive and rude.”

“It.. Asked me that..”

“It shouldn't have. Either it learnt that...” Lewis remembered he was told it would learn from conversations, which made it sound like a listening device. That thought always made him paranoid.

“Or bad programming existed....” Lewis muttered.

“I.... Heard you say you didn’t want to leave your nephews alone with it...”

“I couldn’t explain why I felt that way, maybe it was just a gut feeling that I always had, something inside me would always scream at me, whenever I saw a Lonely Freddy approach, my mind would scream at me: “Watch your nephews, don't let them go alone to anywhere, avoid the eyes, and keep them safe”.... I care for my nephews.... I don’t have children and I'm unsure if I want any... I would only have them with the right person... Kinda difficult though... When the majority of the people I feel love for are men....”

“So... You’re gay then..?”

“Polysexual, I'm interested in most people, it's a sexuality that's sort of on the same level as pansexuality...” Lewis explained, “I've had relationships with mostly men, non-binary people... It's kind of adventurous...”

“Is it good? Your relationships?”

“Most are good... I've instantly broken relationships when they cheat or show red flags... Kind of like the Lonely Freddy... Showing multiple red flags.”

“I was foolish to not see-”

“Lefty told me the Lonely Freddy's were manipulative, cunning and sneaky...” Lewis interrupted him to say that, “They were always hiding their true intentions... Did... Did Lefty tell you about Lucky?”

“Lucky?” Alec frowned not recalling that name ever being said.

“It was a Lonely Freddy that came into the room while he and Helpy slept.... I'm not telling you exact details.... But Lefty didn’t always have one eye..... Ask about it...”

One eye.

Did Lefty get into a fight?

How could Lonely Freddy fight a bear that was almost triple his size? Alec found Lefty intimidating still and he had known him for three days by this point, Alec had seen Helpy being completely calm around Lefty because he was super kind to him.

Something wasn’t right here. Lefty's hatred for Lonely Freddy must have started somewhere and it left Alec wondering about the existence of the lock again.

Next Chapter will contain both some answers and Lefty (It's opening hours that's why Lefty is absent).

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