#i can feel a breakthrough (lying to myself

[ohmaerieme]

green little asshole i hope he explodes-Wait

[saffronwritings]

❄️Bad Timing❄️

An Albedo One Shot

Wordcount: 4.9k Content Warnings: Making out? A/N: So I've been getting back into Genshin Impact more recently and I hate how much I simp over some of the men in this game. I don't know why i thought of this, but here we go. I have no idea how to write some of these characters so I'm sorry in advance, but I hope you enjoy <3

It had been over two weeks since Albedo had holed himself up at his campsite up in Dragonspine. It was deep in the snowy mountains infested with hilichurls and Fatui cronies alike. You knew why Albedo had always escaped into the mountains as he enjoyed his solitary research conditions. Sometimes he brought Klee along with him to help with experiments. Sometimes you’d even be invited to come help him with his many experiments. It was unusual to go this long without hearing from the alchemist himself.

You had volunteered to go up to the campsite to check in on your recluse alchemist friend. You had become him assistant after continuing to show up to his workshop in Mondstadt and showed interest in his experiments. You had also quickly gotten along with his younger adoptive sister, Klee. You had not gotten upset at her when she tried to blow up your cooking and he had asked if you were looking for work. He offered you a position as his assistant and the rest was history. 

Sucrose and you had been back and forth on whether or not to go out to the mountain campsite to make sure Albedo hadn’t frozen over. She had claimed he was fine and that he didnt want to be bothered. However, you knew how he got when he was on the verge of a breakthrough. He rarely slept and he also rarely ate. This was your opportunity to just go check on him, see how things were going, eat a meal together, ask when he was coming back down to Mondstadt, and head back. It was a days journey to get to his spot on Dragonspine, so as long as you left before sunset you’d at least reach the bottom of the mountain by nightfall. 

You had checked the weather before you left and decided against bringing the coat Sucrose insisted you bring with you. You scoffed and had let her know that the cold was never really an issue with you. Your electr vision had usually done a good job at keeping your body temperature regulated in the cold. However, as soon as you had reached Albedo’s campsite, you were a chattering shivering mess. “Y/n! What on earth are you doing here?” Albedo asked when he turned around and saw your shaking figure.

“You hadn’t been back to the workshop in a month and we havent heard from you for about two weeks. Everyone was starting to get worried about you.” You pouted, wrapping your arms around yourself in an attempt to get some body heat back. He quickly made his way over to you and shrugged his jacket off. “No no its okay! I’m okay!” You replied through chattering teeth. He smiled at you in the way that made butterflies go wild in your stomach. As if he was fond of you and the way you were a shivering mess right now.

“Don’t be ridiculous. I can heat myself with alchemy. You on the other hand cannot.” He chuckled while shaking his head. He wrapped the warmed jacket around your shoulders. You tried hard not to blush at the action. You’d be lying to yourself if you tried to say you didn’t harbor feelings for Albedo. 

It was always so easy to talk with him about anything. The topic didn’t matter. There were plenty of nights when you had spent your time up here in the mountain that the two of you would sit under the stars and talk about nothing until the sun rose. Everything felt natural with him by your side. Although, Albedo was a bit of a social pariah. He didn’t showcase his emotions as easily as any one else. He showed adoration and caring moments with his adoptive sister, and occasionally would embrace you in a hug.

However, you weren’t going to try and ruin everything you had built because of some silly feelings that managed to blossom over the time you’ve spent with the Alchemist. His hands lingered on his coat for a moment before he swiftly turned back to the beakers that were on the table he was working on. “Have you made any new discoveries in your time up here?” You had asked after a moment. You didn’t want to break his concentration or even be a hindrance to his experiments. He flashed a smile as he wrote something down in his notebook. 

“Not quite yet, although the seclusion definitely helped quiet my mind.” He said as he glanced over at you and you sighed. “Have you eaten?” You pressed on, making him stop in his tracks. “I eat when I need to.” He replied in a more quieter tone. A huff of frustration exited your lips as you dropped your pack onto the open space of the table he was working on. You pulled out a takeout container of some food you had snagged in Mondstadt. 

He smiled up at you as you passed over the food to him. “Were.. you worried about me?” He asked suddenly, looking at you with an intensity you couldnt define. You smiled at him while another chill ran down your spine. “Of course, I’m always going to worry about you. You’re my friend, and when youre gone up in the mountains for weeks at a time, I tend to worry about you.” You admitted, avoiding his gaze by looking over the beakers filled with mysterious liquids.

You looked up over at him when a few moments of silence had passed. There was a faint blush spread across his cheeks that took you by surprise. Was it a blush on his cheeks or just the cold wind kissing his cheeks red? “Thank you. You really didn’t have to go through all this trouble. I can take care of myself just fine.” He started, a small pout on his lips. “The atmosphere and scenery here are excellent for inspiration. And if I spend an extended period of time up here, I can get a better understanding of the geography of the area. Plus, I get to enjoy the isolation.” He explained, opening the container and sighing at the smell of the food. 

“I understand, thats why I wait to come visit you. I never want to be a bother, but I still want to check up on you to make sure you’re at least doing okay.” You responded as he took the plastic utensils and dug into the food. He scooped a few mouthfuls of the food into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully at your response before swallowing the bites he had taken. “I appreciate your concern for my wellbeing. I enjoy seeing you as well. Even though I know that I’m capable of handling things by myself, sometimes I do feel comforted by having someone visit me like this.” He explained, wiping his mouth with a napkin that was next to the take out box.

You smiled at him, your heart warming at the idea that Albedo enjoyed your visits. Friendly visits. These visits were friendly. Nothing more. Another chill ran down your spine as you looked up at the sky. “When do you think you’ll be heading back down to Mondstadt? A few of the others have also been asking about you.” You mentioned, trying not to stare at him while he was scarfing down his food. He had finished up his meal when he took a sip of his water. A content sigh leaving his lips as he smiled at her.

“I’m planning to stay here for another three days. I’ll be completeing a few more projects by then. Once I’m finished I’ll return to Mondstadt. I know that everyone there worries about me being alone up here, but I hope they don’t worry too much. I am doing just fine.” He said, chuckling at the end at my raised eyebrow at his sentence. He had just scarfed his food down without even blinking twice. Yes, he could take care of himself, but he was always second to his research.

You smiled softly at him and nodded. “We know you can take care of yourself, but we are still your friends and colleagues and we still worry about you.” You mentioned, walking towards him. However, you were taken off guard when a few heavier snowflakes hit your nose. You looked up at the sky and instantly froze seeing the sudden heavy snowfall. A slew of curses flew out under your breath. “I didn’t know it was supposed to snow today…” You whispered as you weighed your options. 

“You should head back to Mondstadt. I can handle myself in this environment,” He stated looking over at you with concern in his eyes. “Youre shivering. You shouldnt stay out here in these conditions.” You hadn’t broken your eye contact with the falling snow getting denser by the minute. “Do you really think I’ll make it down the mountain before the snow gets worse?” You asked in a hushed tone. 

He looked out at the snow and waited a moment before responding to your question. “You might find it difficult traveling in these weather conditions…” He started. You were able to take care of yourself. You had time and time again with the hilichurls and the fatui lowlifes. However, finding yourself stuck in a snow storm, traversing these dangerous mountain slopes you weren’t so sure it would be the smartest idea. “Would you…” He started to say, trailing off as he watched the snow continue to fall in even heavier clumps. “Wait here with me for a while.” He finally finished saying to you as he turned towards you.

His full attention was on you and the offer was ringing out in your ears. You hadn’t brought a tent, you hadn’t brought anything. You hadn’t intended to stay with him. “Are.. are you sure? I don’t want to be a burden to you or be a distraction from your research. I could find caves along the way back to Mondstadt to take cover in.” You suggested and his mouth instantly turned into a frown. He instantly shook his head to your suggestion. 

“You are no burden to me. If anything, you are doing a favor if you stay.” He said, making you raise an eyebrow in question to his statement. “The snow is starting to pick upm and returning to Mondstadt in these conditions would be rather dangerous. You wouldn’t want me to worry, would you?” He asked, a smile softly crossing his lips. Your face instantly burned at that sentiment. He would worry about you? 

“I suppose thats fair..” You nodded, wrapping yourself in his coat. It smelled of campfires and various spices. He did cook for himself when he wasn’t fully indulging in his research. His cooking always made your mouth water. The smell of his jacket was intoxicating and you were embarrassed at how happy it made you being wrapped up in it. “The winds are picking up, we should head into the tent for shelter.” He said, grabbing your hand gentled and guiding you towards his tent. “Besides, your safety is my priority.” He smiled before entering the tent. 

Your head was spinning. Was it the storm or the forced close proximity you were about to enter with Albedo. You had spent many nights talking on the floor of his tent just talking about the universe and theories with him. For some reason, this had felt more personal. You were wearing his coat and entering his tent. “We will be waiting out the storm in here for the time being.” He said behind the flaps of the entrance of his tent.

You had been in the tent a plethora of times. You weren’t sure why you were so hesitant. “Only if you’re sure you wont mind.” You said, pushing past the tent’s flaps to enter the tent. The tent itself wasn’t huge like some other travler’s would take. Albedo was able to fit a small blowup bed, a small cushion that acted as a seat, a small table with a few important items on it, and a lamp that was off at the moment. You had sat yourself down on the cushion next to his bed where he was currently sitting. “I don’t feel uncomfortable at all with you being here. In fact… if I may say so.. But I really enjoy your company.” He smiled at you, making your heart stop in its tracks. 

“R-really? I also enjoy your company. I love learning from you and your experiments. And even when we’re just talking about life and things that bother us.. Sorry I’m rambling.” You muttered. You felt your face get even hotter in embarrassment. He had turned away and you werent sure if you were seeing things but it almost looked like he was blushing as well. There were a few moments of silence before he had said, “I do find the time we spend together refreshing. Especially since I keep to myself most of the time. That’s why having you here is.. a new experience.”

You had looked up and over at him. He was staring at you with a gaze you couldn’t decipher. You felt the air get knocked out of your lungs. You had taken a moment before repeating back, “A new experience?”. He had looked away, looking slightly embarrassed. “I’ve never really spent too much time with a companion, if that makes sense. Not until you came along.” He chuckled in that nervous way he only did when he felt awkward. He looked back over to you with a hint of sadness in his face. “I feel…guilty that I made you wait outside for so long in those conditions. If i knew you were planning on coming here today…” He looked away, anxiety filling his voice. “I… I should have warned you earlier that I would have been gone this long.”

You shook your head and immediately grabbed his hands. “This is not your fault. I didn’t warn you ahead of time that I was coming. I wanted it to be a surprise. I didn’t want to bother you so I hadn’t planned on staying long. I should have stopped and asked Mona or even payed more attention to the weather conditions up here. My plan was to stop by, drop off your food and return back to Mondstadt so I didn’t take up too much of your time.” You explained to him. You didn’t want him to feel guilty for YOUR mistake.

You were the worry-wart who had panicked when you hadn’t heard from him in two weeks. It was the longest he had gone without communicating back down to the workshop. Sucrose had indeed told you not to worry but he was your friend and you wanted to check in on him. You probably wouldn’t have come if you had known he was returning in three days time. You didn’t regret it because you always enjoyed his company. However, you felt bad for impeding on him and now forcing him to host you because of your ignorance and impatience.

He squeezed your hand to grab your attention. He smiled softly at you when you had finally looked over at him. “It would not have bothered me if you had decided to stay intentionally. I am quite fond of your company. It was a nice surprise to see you traveled all the way here just for me.” He explained, that faint blush crossing over his cheeks. You hadn’t imagined it but it was still hard to tell with the light dimming from the storm. The torches outside would soon go out with the force of the cold winds about to stir across the mountains. 

“I’ll stay with you until the storm passes. The last thing I want to do is worry you. I’ll get out of your hair at the first sight of the storm lifting.” You nodded and he had smiled back at you. The wind howled and lashed at the tent. Within twenty minutes since you had gotten there, the storm had started to rage over the cavern. The closest torch to the tent had gone out, making it dark inside of the tent. There was a faint glow coming from the torch closer to his work table outside. You hadn’t even noticed that the two of you were still holding onto one another’s hands until he had tugged you a bit closer to him.

A little yelp had escaped your lips in surprise. You had looked over at him, your own blush returning to your cheeks at the close proximity. He had stared at you and examined your face for a few moments before lowering his gaze to your lips. “You know, I was just thinking. As much as I enjoy your company, I’m not all that happy we have to stay in here until the storm passes.. It’s more enjoyable when I can see your face.” He started suddenly. Your head was spinning in confusion. What on earth was he going on about? “Is it possible… for me to… maybe… look at you a bit closer?” He asked, leaning towards you slightly. Your face had burst into full color with his request. You felt his hand in yours and your heartbeat had quickly fastened itself to mockspeed. You weren’t sure if you heard him correctly, but he was staring at you with an intensity that you knew you would have to answer. “You.. you’re more than welcome to.. Look closer if you so wish..” You answered, feeling your heart beating against the wall of your chest. 

You weren’t sure what was happening. However, he had pulled you onto his bed to sit next to him. He had wrapped his arms around your shoulders in an attempt to keep your shivering form warm. “You know.. You’re rather attractive.” He had started, making you snap your head in his direction, seeing the smile spread across his lips. You felt yourself trapped in his eyes, looking back and forth from his eyes and his lips. You couldnt think straight with him so close to you.

You and Albedo had talked about everything from science to the little things that Kaeya did that irritated the both of you. You knew of his background, you knew him to the depths of his core. He knew things about you that you hadn’t told anyone. He had never once made a comment on your appearance. Let alone one that was in your favor. You couldnt think of anything to say. You were stunned silent. He had caressed your cheek with his hand as he continued, “You’re also very pretty… and lovely. Your personality is also very charming.”

He slew of compliments had your head spinning. What had gotten into him? This wasn’t his usual shy and laid back demeneor. Your cheeks must have been the same color of an apple at this point. Your heart felt like it was going to explode out of your chest. You were waiting for him to say he was joking and to chrush every single one of your feelings for him into the ground. He had gripped your chin lightly between his thumb and pointer finger to gently lift your head to look at him. His eyes flickered from your own eyes down to your lips. He had licked them anxiously after doing so. 

His breathing was ragged and fast. You couldnt tell what was going on with him but you secretly didn’t want it to stop. “Do you think… do you think I could…” He started, stuttering and stumbling over his words. His face was also tinged red with every word that escaped his lips. “Do you think I could try and have my first kiss with you?” He finally finished out his sentence. It felt like he had just punched you in the gut. You felt the air leave your lungs and you stared at him in confusion but also in excitement. “I… I think i like you.. I’m not entirely sure what I’m feeling, but I have never felt this way about anyone before…” He admitted. 

You stared at him for a moment, waiting for him to say he was just kidding or something hurtful. It wasn’t his usual character, he was never one to play pranks on people. Yet, you couldn’t figure out what had brought this out of him all of a sudden. The two of you had plenty of opportunities like this over the past year you had gotten to know him. Stolen glances and shy smiles that turned into constant conversation. Nowhere along the way had you noticed the boy you had been harboring feelings for had been harboring feelings for you right back. You felt like this was a dream you didn’t want to wake from.

“You… you want to kiss.. me?” You managed to stutter out after realizing you hadn’t said anything back to him. He had nodded and looked away with that blush still spread across his face. “Y-yes... I do. I... I am not sure if this is a feeling that you share... but... you mean... everything to me, Y/N. You are the one person who I can trust and truly care for. When I'm with you... everything just... makes sense.” He stammered out, unable to look back at you from his embarrassment.

You had noticed the way he had been speaking extremely nervously, the only time you’ve heard him be this unsure or nervous around you. You felt your chest tighten with the anxiety of speaking your feelings out loud. If Albedo wasn’t serious, this would change the entire course of your friendship together. You just couldn’t pass on the opportunity to get everything out in the open. You had squeezed his hand to make him look over to you.

“I.. I've.. I've had feelings for you for a while.. but as your assistant I never thought we'd be together..” You finally admitted. You had closed your eyes for a moment to catch you breath and were met with his lips meeting yours briefly. You had let out a squeak in surprise and when he had pulled away, you had opened your eyes to meet his stunning teal eyes. It was like you were seeing him for the first time again. There was longing and adoration in those eyes of his now and you leaned into the gentle touch of his hand caressing your cheek. “I... have always had feelings for you, Y/N. Even if you were my assistant, I have never looked down on you or considered you any less than an equal. I… I know that we are both... somewhat inexperienced in matters of romance, but it's something that I... I really want with you for some reason... something that I have never wanted to pursue with anyone else before.” He admitted, pulling your hand with his free hand to his lips. He gently brushed his lips against the back of your hand and you felt your whole body light on fire. You could swear there were drums in your ears from how hard your heart was pounding. 

Albedo wanted you.  

Your eyes darted from his astonishing teal eyes to his lips and you wanted nothing more than to kiss him again. He was staring intently at you and your motions. You met his intense gaze and nodded your head. That was enough for him to crash his lips onto yours once again. This time, you reciprocated the kiss. Fervently kissing his back with the same passion and same intensity. The two of you kissed passionately for what felt like eternity. You were the first to pull away, panting at the interaction. You felt like you couldnt get enough oxygen. Your head was spinning trying to grasp that had actually happened. You placed your forehead against his gently, smiling as you tried to catch your breath. 

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited to do that.” You had both said at the same time, making you both chuckle out. You had lovingly caressed his cheek as he had stared at you with such passion and intensity. “Our connection has always been so.. easy..” You continued. During the passionate kiss, you had somehow ended up straddling his lap. You don’t remember how you got there, but in the heat of the moment the two of you must have tangled up like this. You didnt mind being this close to him now that both of your feelings were out in the air. 

“Your warmth… I want to feel more of it.” He said, wrapping his arms around your waist. He had placed kisses to your forehead, your temple, your lips and your jaw. “Your embrace... I crave for it. Your touch... I need to feel it. Your love…” he trailed off, kissing down your neck eliciting a soft moan from your lips. “...I want to possess it.” He said before attacking your neck more passionately with his hands moving down to your waist. Little mewls and gasps escaped your lips at the sudden attention to your neck. 

“You are all I have ever wanted and more, Albedo.” You whispered before catching his lips with your own, running your hands through his hair. The breath caught in his throat, his breathing heavy and he continued to kiss you more intensely. He broke the kiss to caress your cheek, his eyes gleaming with passion “You… are the most.. The most..” he started to say before encapturing your lips with his again. He couldnt keep his hands or lips off of you. 

He deepened the kiss, swiping his tongue over your bottom lip begging for access. You obeyed quickly and felt his tongue slowly swipe against your own. You felt your body light on fire, you felt like every touch was incinerating you. He parted from the kiss to once again press tender kisses to your neck, trailing up to your ear. “I… I love you.” He whispered, making you freeze instantly. You had pulled away from him momentarily to look at him in the eyes. You waited for him to say something but his embarrassment was apparent.

He had meant that. You stared at him intensely for a few moments before you were able to gather the courage to ask, “You love me?”. You felt him stiffen at the words but you saw how his face turned a deeper red. He was looking down at you with a shy look on his face. “ I... I feel a sense of love for you. Do I truly love you? I'm not sure... but... these feelings…” he trailed off, brushed a piece of your hair behind your ear. “ ...are something that I have never experienced with anyone else. I've never felt this way before with anyone else, and... I think I want more.” He continued, once again gently grabbing one of your hands to interlace your fingers together. 

He had avoided your gaze, and you could tell the tension was thick in the air. He was worried he crossed a line and you had lifted his head to meet your gaze. “I have loved you from the moment we met. I fell harder for you when you would come to me excited about a new breakthrough you found. I think I have always loved you, Albedo.” 

His eyes turned from shy to passionate within a moments time. He still was caressing your cheek, the adoration pouring from his actions. “I... I love you more than words can express. You are the only one... who knows me... and yet doesn't judge me. You are the only one... who does not run away in fear when I show the truth of my form. Thank you... for being my first love... my assistant... my everything.” He mumbled, kissing you inbetween sentences and running his hand through your hair. 

It almost felt overwhelming. This was not how you expecting this visit to turn out. It felt like your wildest fantasies were playing out right in front of you. You’d pinch yourself but you were afraid that you’d wake up from this blissful event unfolding in front of your eyes. “No.. thank you for allowing me to become your assistant.. for letting me into your very secluded world.” You paused to press a soft kiss to his lips. “You are no monster, you are the most wonderful alchemist I have ever met. laces her fingers into one of his hands you gave me purpose.. so thank you for loving me.” You admitted, tears streaming down your face. Albedo wiped them away from your cheeks with tender love.

You two spent a moment just holding each other in both each others arms and in each other’s gazes. You flicked your eyes to his neck that was out on display and latched your lips onto it. Making your way slowly up his neck like he had done to you. A small whimper left his lips as you continued your onslaught to his skin. He tried to mumble out a few words but was too intoxicated from the affections. It wasn’t until you had pulled away to notice some marks left on his neck that left you smiling in satisfaction. 

His eyes were dark with desire and you felt yourself squirm with his gaze. He once again captured your lips with his, kissing you fervently. In between kisses he managed to get out, “I cannot.. express my love for you in words..”. He had broke the kiss completely and hovered over a spot on your neck before saying, “Let me show you with my actions.”

[your-bigender-big-brother]

I just made a huge breakthrough regarding my gender identity, and I'd like to share it here for anyone else it might help.

I'm bigenderflux, both a boy and a girl. Since both identities are binary, I was initially hesitant to identify as nonbinary. The label applied to me by definition, but I didn't think it was a major part of my identity. Eventually, I began to experience impostor syndrome over being bigender, partially as a result of being genderflux. I also experienced impostor syndrome over identifying as my specific genders, as I was worried that being both meant I would be lying or something by saying I was either individually. But I think I've figured out something incredibly helpful for dealing with all this:

I embraced being nonbinary. No matter how subdued or imbalanced my genders may become, being nonbinary is a constant I can hold onto. By calling myself nonbinary, I circumvent feeling bad about my individual genders, and I allow myself to grow more confident with my identity in general. And the best part is that I already accepted it to be true. All I needed to do was place more importance on it.

So to any bigender people who are a boy and a girl, and therefore don't particularly think of yourselves as nonbinary, I recommend trying out identifying as nonbinary anyway. Even if you're not having issues like I was, you still might find some value in it.

Hey, I really like this! I'm glad you figured something out that could help in some way. I agree, embracing the broader label definitely helps. - 💙💚

[ruminate88]

A partial breakthrough:

So I had to go to the dentist today… haven’t been since I was a child 😓 Whatever, that’s no big deal. The big deal is going somewhere by myself…. I realize for years I focused on everyone but me. I talked to emotionally unavailable men who made me feel like sh*t. Why did I talk to them??? They were lying about making me feel that way… With their words, they’re promising me Jupiter but with their actions, they’re acting like I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve to be alive. Andrew was with me during a suicide attack ensuring me that something is wrong with me… who could resort to suicide, unless something is seriously messed up with them?? LIES!!!!!!

So long I knew nothing about manipulating or emotional abuse & how worthless they are trying to make you believe you are. Make you feel like a burden when they dump alll their burdens on you and ask you to carry them!!! Cody cried to me so many times “please fix me” uggggh 😭😭😭 bro, I can’t fix myself. How can I fix you??? But with allllll the love in my heart, I tried!!!!! I was faithful to Cody and Andrew!!!! They drug my heart through the mud and I didn’t understand it…..

I already didn’t trust myself after I broke up with Andrew but I didn’t know why. THEN when I learn about emotional abuse, I realize how evil the world is. How cruel and selfish people are. I begin to make sense of all my digestive issues I’ve been having and various other problems!!!!!!!!! My body won’t ever rest and I NEVER feel confident to go out and do anything new by myself. It all makes sense now!! I’m almost nervous to go out by myself cuz in the back of my mind, what if my exes are stalking me or what if something else happens AND I don’t wanna live in fear like that 😳😳😳

Someone told me the other day, “you gotta tell your brain that you’re safe now.” Like ok, I’m trying but it stays froze up. I don’t trust anyone new and I don’t go for anything new. I watch the same sitcoms on repeat. For years: I’ve felt guilt when I buy myself something. No matter how small…. I’ve neglected myself so long. I mean, I haven’t been to the freakin dentist since I was a kid!!!!! Today was HUGE for me. (It’s not that my parents like didn’t help me growing up, they did just that at some point they depended on me to take care of grandma and help my bro out so like they passively aggressively ignored my needs to use me but they really needed me and I was a kid… I didn’t know what I was doing but I took on this “mother” role & just self abandoned so easy.)

I have been asking myself lately, why IS it so hard to take care of my own needs… why is it so scary and painful?? Why do I fear doing adult things on my own??? I mean, school labeled me with a “learning disability” I’ve battled that all my life trying to get over that label PLUS talking to emotionally unavailable men who consistently put me down… always being critical of me so I expect it now. I wait for my husband to be critical and put me down. Then if he doesn’t, I beat myself up because I know I’m comparing him to past relationships 😓 that’s not fair to him!!!! I’ve lived my marriage with one foot in and one foot ready to flee if it goes dark again… 💔💔

I feel this WALL currently in front of me and I know it’s a part of the healing journey that needs another break through. Also, I need to legit forgive my exes not just keep saying it but acting on it and I need to get over the past. Get over this “wall” I feel. This “emotional barrier” keeping me from being in the present with my family and husband. Ugh.

I don’t know what’s next but I don’t believe I’m stuck. I just believe I’m learning more life lessons and help is on the way. I WILL get over this wall. I haven’t been able to legit full on cry like I use to. I wanna cry for Andrew and even Cody. I cried when we broke up but I mean, I wanna cry to where I grieve fully over Andrew and then just let him go!!!! Plz God 🙏🏻

One more thing: I’ve been tired beyond words. I have had zero energy to do anything hardly. I realize for the first time this week I HAVE TO REST!!!!!! 😝😝😝 I want to keep going and I will but I mean on top of healing the trauma and the betrayal, I’ve been healing my digestive and now needing trips to the dentist like I never dreamt all this would happen!!!!!! (Not blaming the dentist trips on the abuse, that’s just part of ignoring myself too long) I thought it was just a heart break 💔 but when it wouldn’t heal so easy, I KNEW something was more serious at play. I can’t quite explain it but wow. 🤯 it’s sooo much…..

One Freakin Day At A Time 🥴❤️‍🩹🙏🏻🥺😝

[sirenofthegreenbanks]

i dont think zzs has relationship ocd, but i can see a lot of myself in him. his insecurity regarding what other people (people he cares about) might think and feel of him, this obsessive need to find out the „truth“ and this almost conspiracy-like conviction that there always is a „hidden truth“ beneath. this crippling fear that others might lie to you and you might not be able to see it. this conviction that others lie, even when they do not, because the sincerity of their emotions, their honest expression without traps or fallbacks or holdbacks, is just too unbelievable to not be artificial. this seeing patterns where none might be, and obsessively following clues that might lead nowhere. thats why i prefer the reading that zzs essentially misunderstood both jq and ljx (ch.47 and ch.61 of qi ye respectively), and that for the latter, it signed zzs‘s downwards spiral. if u interpret their last conversation in qi ye as zzs viewing ljx as rejecting him and as all ljx does is trying to save him from himself and understand him, zzs‘s later habits post-tianchuang and how he views some of ljx‘s words from that conversation (ch.20, ch.27) (and the discrepancy as can be seen in ch.76 of qi ye in what zzs believes ljx‘s very last words on this earth were vs what they actually were, which lends strength to this reading as it fits the „theme“), his failure at reading ppl he feels personally a lot towards, even though he technically has all the facts or there might be an easier explanation that is not as abstract as the one he favours, makes a lot of sense. now, i have started a new reread of tyk and im seeing wkx in a somewhat different light. he is incredibly odd and off-putting and even i, who knows the final and should know his character, have a hard time getting a read of him almost all the time during much of their earlier interactions (ch. 6-13). what is wkx doing here? is he lying or does he believe what he says? is this an act or are his thoughts truly this jumpy? how much of his „im an odd ghost im odd“ persona is a persona, how much is a reflection of the truth? that means zzs‘s conviction that wkx is trying to deceive him is not that off-track, and considering that wkx gives me the strong impression that he IS instrumentalizing the one weakness he found zzs, that glib vagrant, to have (being flirted with), and seems to maintain it all the way until he realizes zzs is going to fucking die (ch.29, moment i personally view as wkx‘s breakthrough), im not even faulting zzs for, well, picking up on it. still. you can tell that his thoughts and his explanations are obsessive and self-destructive, that this is less about whether or not wkx is playing him, and more that zzs does not believe he is worthy of love and sincerity (ch.18, first time he actually spells it out). so, i do not think zzs has some type of ocd in that regard; he only needs a heart-to-heart with wkx and then he is „cured“ (ch.65). but i do think his narrative reflects a lot of what it can feel like to live with relationship ocd, to be in the mind of someone who has ocd, and all the convulted and bizarre actions and conclusions such a person is comitting and drawing, because of their twisted worldview

[biiedwin8]

How Do I stop Talking to Myself All the time?

Today, I'll be answering the question of how to stop talking to yourself the whole day. Let's say you're walking and then you're talking to yourself, or you're sitting down and talking to yourself. As I mentioned before, talking to yourself is a very normal behavior. Most people do it, and it's something you can do consciously. But to stop yourself from doing it the whole day, you have to work on the factors that make this behavior maladaptive or uncontrollable. These factors are lying beneath the surface – the unhealed wounds you've never processed.

Talking to yourself may be a way to cope with stress and anxiety, as it becomes an automatic habit. Every time you're stressed or anxious, you talk to yourself. To address this, you need to work on the root causes – the underlying emotions, negative beliefs about yourself, how you view yourself, traumas, and unprocessed emotions from the past. It's not about stopping talking to yourself; it's about taking back control of your behavior.

Work on your past, address unconscious habits and subconscious patterns so that you can be aware of your behaviors. Be conscious of your daydreaming, be aware of talking to yourself, and take control of your behaviors. Choose when to do it and when not to. When the behavior becomes unconscious and beyond your control or conscious awareness, it means it has become a habitual response.

To stop, you're not just focusing on closing your mouth; you're dealing with the underlying issues or root causes causing distress in your day-to-day life. Your mind pushes you to talk to yourself constantly to cope with negative emotions, stress, and anxiety. If you're ready to address these root causes or the factors leading to unhealthy and maladaptive habits, feel free to book a call with me, and we'll have a chat.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with overcoming and managing your maladaptive daydreaming without spending years in therapy, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

[gayofthefae]

Honestly, I don't think the "I love you" was that big a thing in the original fight. That sounds super weird, I'll elaborate.

I just rewatched the scene, and I think El is in a space of grasping at any and all proof of her worst fears. She had already noticed the "from" and that was an existing anxiety but had he said it in that moment in the first place, I don't think it would have helped or fixed anything. Think about it:

"You think I'm a monster too. You were scared of me." "I love you so much." "Okay, thank you, I believe you. I feel better."

That is not realistic dialogue for what was happening in the scene! Because the "I love you" was not the core issue! If she heard that she might have packed it away as a comfort to that anxiety, a box checked to remember for later, a minor comfort for something else but ultimately...I think all it would have done is not make the situation worse. She was set on his perception of her before that in the conversation. She was committed to her perception of HERSELF as a monster. Mike couldn't have fixed that.

And that's where we leave off, I suppose. Heartbreaking for what we've established for Mike's character but...he can't fix that. Her problem this season was never Mike, it was her view of HERSELF. She remedied it then stepped back a bit at her failure. She verbalized this to him but...her arc was never him. We knew this. I've said it was Brenner, or Hopper, or Max, but ultimately, as it ultimately will be, it was herself.

El decided what she believed Mike thought of her and committed to it. I don't believe he could have said anything in that conversation to sway her, because it was an internal issue. She didn't love herself to believe that he could love her anyways. Mike isn't lying for like the first half of that conversation and she still shuts it down because she doesn't believe a word of it.

This was her. She made amazing breakthroughs by the end of the season, especially in 4x09.

Her peak defining moment of her arc in her self esteem of the season was leaving Brenner. She made the independent choice to leave for NINA, then the independent choice to leave NINA when they wanted to keep her beyond her comfort. I have said it before and I will say it again:

The "I love you speech" was NOT her climax. It was wildly important to Mike and I'm sure very comforting and empowering to her. Maybe it DID give her that final punch. She loved herself finally and he loved her too, reinforcing that. Maybe it'll help post-failure to lean on that, who knows. But what I do know is that that is not what her arc was about. At best, it was a secondary payoff (but really, "I don't love myself so I need somebody else to instead" would have been a sucky payoff had it been a stand alone). Saying I love you was Mike's goal. Trusting herself was hers.

This was never about the "I love you". Not even to her. How can that be the solution when it wasn't even the problem? Mike, per usual, well-intendedly misunderstood and substituted a deeper issue for a simpler seeming one of "say these three words" and did. But that wasn't what it was about and it wasn't why she started the conversation.

[ifeltfree]

Yeah, of course I'll talk with you about it. I'm sorry to hear you're recently diagnosed. I'd say it gets better, but I'd be lying. What does change is that you get tougher, more resilient. If you're lucky, you have people around you who understand and support you well. The seizures never stop being terrifying.

It's an awful disease and one that is extremely misunderstood. Isolating is the right word, for sure. I was diagnosed at 16, so I know how hard it can be to have it as a teenager/young person as well. It feels like it's stealing from you. It is. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Your feelings are justified.

As far as how I cope? Poorly, for a long time, but recently things have been looking up. I was seizure-free for about five years before a recent set of breakthrough seizures (I crashed my car too, lol what a time), so I'm relearning how to deal with the fear and paranoia.

Logistically, I've done a few things:

I was able to get my job to let me work from home 3/5 days of the week.

I sleep. A lot. I still hang out with people and I have a lot of friends, but I had to accept there are things I can't do.

I spend a lot of time in quiet. Overstimulation doesn't help. I found this out the long way - took me forever to realize shutting up one or a few of my senses cut down the brain activity (I'm dumb).

I don't drink. I used to drink - probably too much. Substance abuse and epilepsy don't mix. That wasn't the reason for my breakthroughs, but I do have a little sobriety app. Kinda fun, honestly.

I talk to my friends about it.

That last point is something that I'd never done before this year. It's hard, of course, but I think it's helped that my friends now know I'm having crises of sanity, faith, philosophy - whatever - every day of my goddamn life. It's impossible to live with this disease and not think about what's real, what's not, if I'm losing time, what exactly is a soul...you understand.

Also, seizures are impossible to describe, but I try. That helps as well. Horrifies my friends, but they've said it's ok to talk about.

Every seizure I've had (barring these last ones, or I'd have killed myself) has stolen my personhood from me. I'd wake up as a different person, and then I'd just...live in a stranger's apartment, wear a stranger's clothes, wake up in a stranger's bed. After about a week, the feeling starts to fade but nothing ever goes back to that first reality. That disorientation is, for me, one of the worst parts of epilepsy. It's fucking scary. And if you go through that, I am so, so sorry.

If you want to talk about this more, let me know. I'm much less serious than I seem, and I write like this because I'm overeducated after being scared shitless by my brain. So.

Anyway, feel free to publish this and I hope you feel better soon.

Also, tell your tattoo artist what happened - they'll thank you for not coming in, and they also need to know you're not a flake. Don't want to make them responsible for an unconscious body when they don't have to be! :)

thank you for talking to me more about this. you worded a lot of this really well and its reassuring to know its normal to feel that way that i do about it all. my family thinks im exaggerating it so sometimes i question if im blowing things out of proportion.

anyway, thats terrible that you crashed your car. thats such a huge fear of mine and i cant imagine going through that, im so sorry. its so unfortunate that you have to miss out on things, but im glad you figured out what works for you to keep you in better shape. im gonna try and be mindful about the things you mentioned and see if they make a difference for me, thank you

i dont have much of a support system, most of my friends stopped talking to me after college and i find it hard to meet new people where i live. its significantly harder to cope with shit like this when youre on your own. im sure you get it. and i totally understand what you mean by losing your sense of self. it feels like everything is foggy, all the time but even worse on days i have seizures. it almost makes me mad cause its not fair that after everything else that comes with it, i have to have a diluted watered down personality too.

again thank you for this. ill definitely reach out if the urge arises and you definitely can too. im always open to talk, about anything

[goldenteaset]

AO3 Wrapped Writer Q's Part 3 of 3

The last batch. This was fun, and eye-opening too! :D

21. How many kudos in total did you get this year?

348, as of this writing. At a glance, it's the lowest I've ever gotten--but the catch is kudos are still counted long after the year is over. Fic that have been around longer are more likely to amass kudos over time. (And I did write a lot this year...)

(I decided not to answer the comment question because...well, it's a little of the above answer but also more complicated. See the last few questions under the cut for more.)

[I didn't do any collaborations or gifts this year; I want to keep track of things like Big Bangs and such more often though!]

26. What’s your most common category?

M/F, it looks like, with Multi close behind! I do plan to write more Gen next year though.

27. What do you listen to while writing?

Mostly white noise! I brainstorm while exercising and listen to a wide variety of genres then. ("Trailer music" like Two Steps From Hell or '80s ballads, for example.)

28. Favorite work you wrote this year?

Once again, I'm glad that this question is difficult. ;v; Do I say Poisoned Honey again, even though it's a WIP? What about Sweet Rain, Saltwater Rain, which felt like such a breakthrough? And then there's all the Touken Ranbu fic, and Belial/Djeeta...

Maybe I'll go with Charmed Lessons: Lewd Manipulation (GBF, Belial/Djeeta/Lyria)! It not only managed to be exactly the length I wanted from the start, the dark but still sexy twist managed to land. (Also it has Belial moonlighting as a caring senpai in it! XD)

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

>:3 OH BOY. This one's surprisingly easy, from Chapter 2 of Poisoned Honey (I could've quoted the whole scene):

"I mean it, Lucifer insisted, clasping his hands in ardent prayer. My equal, my Master, my King. Debase me. Reforge me. Teach me what I long to know."

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

Oh, boy. Where to even begin.

To start on the lightest possible note: sometimes I can, in fact, be at the tail end of a long fic and only realize in that moment "I should have just written this specific scene, even though I love all the other ones too". (Hi, In the Bedchamber...) This is why I write many chapters ahead now!

But that wasn't the biggest surprise, actually.

The biggest surprise to me this year: the realization that writing for myself-as-audience is still a goal I want, but at the same time I really do need dialogue with readers to feel fully satisfied.

I don't want to guilt people into anything, of course! Least of all something that's meant to be fun. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't demoralizing to not have that dialogue, you know? I know the assumption is that writers just want praise, but personally I'd rather talk with readers about the fic and these characters we both love.

And for the record, I feel like you absolutely can "write for yourself as audience first with others second" and want to find like-minded readers at the same time. I think that balance is key, and I spent a long time without it this year. No joke, I even considered quitting altogether! (But that was probably the stress of tough courses talking...)

Who knows? Maybe next year will be better. Maybe I should change up how I ask for "feedback" and instead say "dialogue is appreciated"? It's a work in progress, as ever. ^^;

Anyway, here's to next year!

[skewbforty]

Manifestation ramble incoming.

So I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. Was feeling extremely lonely and also somewhat upset about my situation.

And I remembered an article I read that seemed to give pretty sound advice for once.

It said to accept something, to surrender to the fact that this is how things just are... You have to ask yourself if you can relax in your situation. In doing so, you create space in your mind for the sadness that comes with your situation, and it goes away.

Then, I reminded myself of a principle in spirituality that goes: Once you forgive someone, like properly forgive in your mind... they will face karma for whatever they did to you. The more you want justice, the less you get it.

Sounds familiar doesn't it?

Well, here's where the breakthrough happens.

If the less you want something and the more you relax in a situation, the more you can theoretically combine those two into the principle that you're just happy knowing the deed is done.

Oh! Hang on a minute!

That's just the LOA!

Not only that, but it explains having to let go and the usefulness of keeping your cool in a way that's practical!

Unless you don't believe in any of this esoteric stuff, in which case nevermind ^^

[jonathankatwhatever]

I’m having trouble getting a signal. Are you traveling? It feels like that. I guess I’ll shower. I expected more work after this morning’s breakthrough. It’s 16 Oct 2023.

—————

Oh.

I just tried something. I looked at a live image of a plane. It’s a connection. I need to work. Let’s see what happens. I’m standing up because I have excess unfocused energy. My hands are very cold, which is not a good sign because it’s almost 60 out. I’ll put the keyboard on a book to lift my wrists from the counter, which is too low for comfortable typing anyway.

I was dancing around using my increasing knee flexibility and suddenly there you are in me because there’s a connection in the way that dance is permutations of movement potential and developing range of motion is expanding the permutation potential. And that brings together a ton of old thoughts, like the image of an old woman shaking her walker forward with her arms because that’s the only permutation available to her.

I’m being overwhelmed.

——————-

I’m finally getting the permutation problem. It’s becoming about the level at which permutation occurs. I think that’s because - and you can quote me because I’m doing the typing - I think in the lowest level terms. Or try to. Or rather, I think loosely and this requires more care in labeling.

I tend to work in 1Space, meaning I count szK steps as 1 or 2 and other integer ways, not as root2. It’s a rational space in more ways than being integers because the rationality in it, meaning the integers of the Wheel, top and bottom, are containers for all the process attached. Thus the Is & Not calculus form.

This means I typically think in Triangular and Hexagonal and the reason is that grid squares is amplitude within a potential and iterations within that potential, which of course translates into basis, are thus probabilities based in the permutations available. That then connects to Storyline as metaphoric gs construction, meaning stories follow pathways that exist within the context within the context, etc. Externality, the Inmanation of connection to other Things in D3-4//4-3 Space, acts to cut off and renormalize so the gap created by the infinite process fills 0-1-0.

The deeper meaning of that, a deeper meaning, is that 0-1-0 fills across to make a form of continuity for finite existence, purpose, and context, and it fills into the process so the 1 is an accurate enough representation as the process continues. That’s ideal. In most cases, people put up excuses and ignore that they’re excuses. In other words, we just isolated that basic process of self-lying and lying to others. I mean the mechanics of course.

That has turned me into a twisty doll: some really deep and tight moves I couldn’t reach not long ago. I need to wear this as a signpost before my eyes: permutations are grid squares constructions.

—————-

Most extraordinary experience. I decided to look in the mirror since I was cleaning out the shower drain, and those come together at hair, either picked up or dissolved by bleach or examined and perhaps cut off my head. I found a few spots where, if I accepted what was in the mirror, I should cut to bring out the best in what was in the mirror. I did that. Not even a handful in total. Then I looked at myself with glasses, without and then holding up one lens so I could see myself without, using a hand mirror with the wall one. I then looked in the mirror and realized this is what I actually look like. He said hello to me. Said aren’t you surprised? It’s me! I finally see him. I’ve been trying to do this my entire life. I spoke to him in the mirror and he was exactly like I imagined, though a bit tired around the eyes.

In math, this means an Attachment, a 1-0Segmenting has and is occurring. The reason I say that is I can’t see myself unless you can see yourself because I can’t get that deep into me without Alternation. Think: this must be a series of finite levels or rings within a larger process, and that process connects to infinite process, same logic as been using, and there’s always Alternation because that’s 1Space sparking which is or becomes ideal, which can be idealized, which is like going into a tube of surf, and every other metaphor for the momentary feeling of connection.

That’s an essential part of violence, too. Is this coming from you? The idea of male on male violence of the victor, is like that of the prey you respect for feeding you, like the Disney circle of life without the being ripped apart. The brotherhood of those who beat on each other. Rah! It feels so good to deliver that big hit on another person, to really take them down. No wonder men hit women and children. No wonder athletes are so prone to hitting women. Dominance and submission are both roles. In other words, that moment of connection is Triangular and forms an fD which connects say you to the one you hit, and to the sides are what you ‘worship’, the good qualities in one and the bad in the other. That’s also then a gs, and you can see why: the relationship End to End over the dividing 1-0Segment is back and forth in Triangular, and gs expresses that back and forth as the amplitude space of both perspectives, of the 2 HG, etc.

That was cool.

So there is that 1Space joy in hacking a person to death, whether in a simulation or in real life. Drew it out above. It’s inherent in certain activities.

——————

Seem to have shifted to some logical issues. Notably Peano arithmetic. That translates easily, but there’s a difficulty in the mapping in my head to ordinals. We generate ordinals as sK to zK, and the ordering is then apparent. There’s a bit missing in my head, but I assume it will show up.

Need sleep. Waiting for the cat to do his thing.

[crisishauntline]

Denise told me today that I am not just in love with her but addicted to her, or to the type of chaotic misery we have grown in our little garden.

She’s right. I am obsessed and consumed and eaten up by this relationship and its constant grief nearly every hour of every day, in any conversation with loved ones, even in my dreams. Even now, after a somewhat hopeful breakdown/breakthrough conversation this morning and a lovely day of exploring the Mission together, I am still lying awake writing and writing and writing about it. I have tried everything I can think of to give my mind and body the fucking rest they are crying out for. But I can’t sleep, can’t stop revisiting the same thoughts and hurt feelings. In many ways, we are so similar. The only difference is that I feel strongly that it is more considerate to process and/or drown in private, as much as one can. But whether one abuses drugs in private or in front of others, it’s still unhealthy and bound to manifest in one’s relationships regardless.

I agreed with Denise and asked if she’d ever read “In the Desert” by Stephen Crane. She hadn’t, so I quoted/paraphrased it to my best ability. That’s what this is, I told her, I’m aware. I am eating my own heart. I not a victim or a monster, but merely a person choosing the grief of a bitter union over the bitter self-annihilation (I fear) I would choose if I were alone.

“It is bitter—bitter. But I like it Because it is bitter And because it is my heart.”

I don’t want to kill myself. What a waste, what selfishness, what a dull romance is suicide! And I hate knowing—or fearing—that if I were alone again I would run straight into its arms, like I have so many times. So I instead I run back into hers.

If I fail to give anything of value to this world, to be useful, I can at least be used. And if my taste for my own despair makes me die young, a bitter, unremarkable fool, I would rather share my heart with someone for as long as I can, if only as a meal.

[breakthroughhypnotherapy]

Website: https://www.breakthroughhypnotherapy.org/

Address: Ojai, California, USA

I'm Breakthrough Hypnotherapy, an experienced Meditation Coach here to help you find your best self through meditation. My path to meditation came from my own desire to heal the stress and anxiety lying deep within me. I knew I had to share this feeling, and today I could not feel happier or more fulfilled with my professional journey.

Since 2000, I have dedicated myself to helping others feel more empowered and fulfilled through meditation. Each and every human being has a beautiful light within themselves, and I can’t wait to help you unlock it.

Rapid Transformation Therapy (RTT) is a cutting edge technique that uses regression therapy. It assists in shattering old belief systems that no longer serve you, and replaces them with more empowering thought forms. While in hypnosis we will explore the subconscious to get to the root cause of the issues you choose to address. By regressing you back to pivotal scenes in early childhood, infantry, womb, and sometimes even past lives, we review, understand, and change the meaning attached to these scenes; rewiring and transforming you for the better.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Breakthrough-Hypnotherapy-107000598525503

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/breakthrough_hypnotherapy_88/

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[trainwreckzadr]

Four Years Later

So, I was deep-cleaning my room the other day for the first time in like two years (god, the dust was disgusting), and I found an old sketchbook of mine. Like, OLD old. The earliest drawing was labeled March 23, 2009--I was 11. 

Most of what was in there was TERRIBLE anime art; you know the stuff. Scoopy noses, eyes that float around on the face, characters conveniently holding their arms behind their backs so you don’t have to draw their hands. Edgy character deaths and thinly-veiled self-inserts comin’ atcha full force. But I’m flipping through this thing, and I’m finding that for the first time in forever, I... don’t hate myself for it? I’m actually finding it cute! Like, “Aww, she’s learning.” Mind-boggling feeling.

So I figured, for old times’ sake, what the heck, let’s go reread Trainwreck too. So I googled the name of the blog (because I’m the kind of person who googles URLs instead of just typing them into the damn URL bar), and I happened across THIS comic dub, by Nessa G.:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55skXrjaY-Y&ab_channel=NessaG.

I fucking died.

Seriously, I hope it’s not narcissistic, but I forgot most of the jokes, and everything I drew here was so 100% my own sense of humor that I CRACKED. THE FUCK. UP. (”Fan... squirrels?”) God, I haven’t laughed that hard (or that sincerely) in a long time. And hearing the words I wrote read out loud by another human being was so weird! In a good way, obviously. Thank you for the dub, Nessa. It brought me so much joy. And it’s that video that’s inspiring me to come back to this blog and at least explain what’s going on.

So... Imma be straight with you. (Prepare to be hurled headfirst into a steaming hot pile of TMI.)

When I said I was “busy”, I was flat-out lying. 

I was in a bad place, I had been for a while, and I just... couldn’t draw anymore. Like... at all. God, it was terrifying, it just snuck up on me out of nowhere. I think I worked on maybe three or four projects between 2018-2019, all to help out a family member, and then I just... stopped. Drawing became terrifying, talking to people became terrifying(er)... I basically gave up on art altogether, ghosted everyone I knew, and spent the last four years cooped up studying alone, barely eating or sleeping, scared of anything with a shadow... ACK, it was bad. I looked like a fucking skeleton by the end of it.

Now, I’m not telling you this because I want comfort or sympathy. I’ve actually been doing a lot better over the last six months. If I weren’t, I’d never post something like this--I don’t tell ANYONE my genuine feelings unless I’m already over it. Which is... ~Probably Not Healthy!~ hAhaHAhA *finger guns*

But seriously though. I’ve been reconnecting with the people I love, I’ve been eating more and putting on some weight, I got a long-term freelance position with a translation agency, and I had a breakthrough recently that took away a ton of fear... things are going okay. Importantly, I’m also starting to be more mindful of my own behavioral patterns. I’ve been trying to figure out which habits keep getting me into trouble, and work towards changing them.

One of those bad habits is MAKING PROMISES. 

I have this tendency to promise the moon to people because I’m scared of disappointing or angering them (and because I constantly underestimate how long things will take me). Then I wind up skipping meals and sleep so I can get everything done, getting further and further past my deadlines, stressing and stressing until, before I know it--SKRRCH!--my entire brain comes to a screeching halt, and I shut down.

Obviously, this is bad for me, because I’m putting a ridiculous amount of strain on my own body and mind. Obviously, it’s also bad for other people, because I’m promising them all this stuff and then ditching them out of nowhere. This is just all-around bad, and it’s gotta stop. Sure, there’s this whole sad backstory as to why I do this, but that doesn’t make it okay to continue the behavior.

SO! What I’m getting at here is! When it comes to picking Trainwreck ZADR back up:

I make zero promises.

Drawing a fan comic--ANY comic--is a lot of work. Towards the end, it was taking me like 6-8 hours for just one page. I think I have finally gotten to a place where I want to start drawing again, but... I’m broke as all flying hell. I don’t have an ATA certification or any experience in translation, so I’m working... the kind of job you can get with no credentials or experience. (Bruh, this shit makes less than minimum wage.)

So, jaded though it sounds, if I’m going to be investing that much time and effort into anything other than my translation career, it HAS to be something I’m being paid for, because anxiety or no anxiety if I am not out of my parents’ house by the age of 25 I am going to jump off a fucking bridge. Into a lifeboat. Which I will then sail to the Arctic tundra to live out the rest of my days in obscurity, sucking frozen algae out of a straw for sustenance.

BUT, on the other hand... god, there were so many jokes and gags in Trainwreck that I never got to see to fruition. Watching Nessa’s video made me remember that.

Zim was going to kidnap a goat while wearing a very silly hat. Zita was going to be possessed by a demon, and then “zITARATH” was just gonna BE THERE for the rest of the comic, in the background, nobody addressing it. “Nice dress, Zita!” “tHANK YoU. IT WaS SEWN from tHE SKIN OF MY ENeMiES.” “*gasp* It’s homemade??”

Oh my god, and there was a second song!! I wrote a whole song to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious where the Tallest find out about The Zadr(TM) and use it as an excuse to fire Zim! I don’t remember most of the lyrics, they were on my old laptop, but I know it started with “You’re~ in~ an~ interspecies, highly inappropriate relationship!♫♪♪ “

God, that would be fun to draw.

So... possible compromise. No clue how many people are still hanging around, but just a shot in the dark: Would anyone be willing to commission me to finish this comic? I have no clue what my rates would be, cuz I, uh... *ahem* I really haven’t thought that far ahead. I’d have to google copyright laws too, but I... think it’s allowed...??

Alternatively, I could set up a Patreon, and post X number of pages X often depending on how much the monthly income is.

Last option, if there are only like three people still here and you’re all just as broke as I am, I could at least rummage through my old sketchbooks, post whatever snippets I can find, and just tell you where the plot was gonna go. It’s the least I can do after ditching you guys for so long.

So... yup.

Please let me know what your thoughts are about where this comic should go. I’m gonna go finish an assignment, eat something, and possibly fall asleep. I’ll check back with this later to see if there’s any response.

By the way... I’m genuinely sorry for ditching you guys without saying anything. Seriously.

[storms-path]

Day 30 – Abstracted

Captain Lyna,

I hope this message finds you hale and happy, and that the people of the Crystarium are in good stead. It has been a scant few weeks since last I

Too formal, much too formal. She’s your granddaughter, for the Twelve’s sake.

Lyna,

I hope all is well with you since last we talked. While I may not be quite the bastion of magic and secrets I once was, you can be quite certain that I feel like my old self aga

Yes, rub in the fact that you may as well be dead to her, that’s a wonderful idea, G’raha.

Dearest Ly

She’ll have your guts for garters if you address her like that, world separation or otherwise.

Lyna I’m sorry I’m so sorry I’ve done something unthinkable cruel to you and I must carry that with me for the rest of my days I should have made time to prepare you or at least apologise beforehand and tell you

Definitely not. Note to self, don’t write when you’ve had too many glasses of wine.

Lyna

Now more than ever I find myself missing your company, your stern words and your caring nature. The days on the Source grow dark indeed, and I find myself truly worried for us all. But I know that you would be the first to dispel the notion that we are helpless before certain death, and I take comfort in that fact.

The Warrior of Light and her companions have been working tirelessly to prevent our doom, and I am truly proud to count myself among that number. It is a far cry from our days in Norvrandt, carefully planning for a salvation that was so nearly snatched from us. Nor, I’m sure you will be pleased to read, am I insisting on taking it all upon my shoulders again. Alisaie has made it quite clear the consequences of such actions, never you fear.

I pray that all is well with the citizens of the Crystarium, though I know for a fact that I have nothing to fear with you and the Crystalline Mean to chart the course. With any luck Chai-Nuzz isn’t giving you too many headaches! Oh, Thancred has also asked me to pass on his love to Ryne, though I’m sure she’s busy making her own adventures with Gaia. From how Arashi tells it, the two are practically made for each other. Nevertheless, Thancred would be grateful if you could keep an eye on them. Just in case.

One final thing, this may be the last time you hear of me for a short while. Krile assures me that we are close to making a breakthrough with the Sharlayan situation, and I intend to be the first to visit that old home of learning and arrogance. The Crystal Exarch may be no more, but you can rest assured that I haven’t forgotten a few old tricks!

With all of my love,

G’raha Tia

It will have to do. We don’t have much time left.

Exarch

Message received. Don’t give Alisaie too many grey hairs. I miss you more than I can ever put into words. Wicked white, if you aren’t careful I will cross the barrier between worlds and talk some sense into you myself.

Stay safe, grandfather.

Captain Lyna

Please be safe, you foolish old man. Don’t break my heart all over again.