#i cannot describe how much i’m feeling right now. i dont know how to even start

[thebardisabird]

this is the first request ive ever made, but how would the boys react to a classic Bimbo reader? with classic blonde hair, pink clothes, expensive bags and nails, stuff like that😭 this may be a bit strange so dont answer if you dont wanna, i was just curious. thank you so much lmao 😭

We know her, we love her, she’s that girl!

So Osomatsu immediately goes gaga for you. I’m talking heart eyes, drooling, unable to think coherent thoughts kind of enamored. From your pretty long eyelashes, to your super short mini skirt to pink boot heels - he can’t seems to pick a spot where he wants to look! Every single inch of you sings sex appeal and he’s listening very intently. He knows he definitely cannot afford you tho - so he might pull off the same stunt he did for Chibimi and just about sell his soul to get a date with you. (Honestly when I think of all the characteristics you describe matched with Oso I think of @girlymatsu ‘s oc Erina-chan who is super cute and fun, please check them out, you can tell they put a lot of love in their art and you'll absolutely love their oc)

Karamatsu sees your fashion sense and instantly wants to be the Ken to your Barbie. You have this it girl factor that draws him in and with the sway of your hips and the wink of your pink, glittery shadowed eye, he’s completely under your spell. If you so choose to give him the time of day, he pays you compliment after compliment, and will take you out on a date to get coffee or a nice meal depending on what you’d like. If we’re talking about a classic bimbo trope where you’re a little on the less well-read side, then he might find it cute that you don’t really know how to pronounce some of the words of the meals or coffee drinks and he’ll try to use the opportunity to teach you some fancy words. You actually find his poses and flowery speech kinda funny, because he sounds like a poem out loud.

Choromatsu has no idea how you're even talking to him right now. He's seen you plenty of times and never ever imagined you would even say two words to him other than like... "Excuse me" if he was standing in your way. You are so far removed from all the things that encompass his life. Yet when you tell him that his favorite has super cute outfits and that you were thinking about becoming one yourself because you love the idea of all the glitz and glamour it brings, he short-circuits. You're already so gorgeous, to think of you being in cutesy outfits and dancing around? And he's allowed to talk to you? Associate with you??? The man is ready to die happy. But not as happy as when you dress up in his favorite idol's outfit - only it looks ten times better on you because your bigger chest and ass. While you don't exactly understand his love for anime, manga, and other more nerdy things, you humor him because he's just so cute when his little froggy face lights up the way it does!

Ichimatsu is intimidated entirely by you and will actively go out of his way to avoid you. You are like a beacon of light far too bright and undeserving for him to ever even get close to. Luckily for him, you notice one day that he's looking into the window of a cat cafe and you finally tap him on his shoulder and ask about whether he likes cats or not. It takes about everything he has not to throw up on the spot, but he is seriously questioning his life and whether or not some god above is about to smite him. You try to explain to him that you actually really love kitties as you point to your kitten paw choker and show him your baby pink matching kitten paw nails. At some point he realizes that you're not fucking with him and he slides out of fight or flight mode and into general nervousness. It takes a while before you can actually get him to speak (you're literally such a bombshell against his disheveled-ness, he feels very grateful that he's conscious enough to give you short answers instead of fainting like his body wants him to), but you eventually give him your number. When you part ways, then he slumps to the ground, but with the tiniest of smiles on his face.

Jyushimatsu actually makes you nervous. It's very clear that you're super attractive and bubbly, but there is a genuine sweetness to him that makes him stick out from all the other meatheads who try to normally get your attention. The yellow clad matsu isn't very subtle about staring at you and your appearance, but you honestly don't mind it when he says things like "Your hair reminds me of the sun!" or "You look like a pretty pink cloud today, haha!" The guy is just so adorable it makes you giggle. And when he smiles right back (even bigger than his usual grin), it makes you blush a bit. You end up leaving lipgloss on his cheeks all the time because you just find him so cute.

Todomatsu can't get enough of you once he gets to know you! You two feed off of each other's cutesy personalities. And since pink is both of your signature colors, you guys end up matching outfits a lot. Though the price to pay with you two being so matchy-matchy is that everyone else literally cannot stand being around you two lol. But that's fine to either of you because you both just chalk it up to them being rude and jealous and you pay it no mind...it's either that dynamic orrrrr you end up hating each others guts because only one of you can be the cutest in Akatsuka. Though that scenario ends up in an enemies to lovers situation because even though Todomatsu says he can't stand you - he definitely admits to himself (and only to himself at first) that you are positively gorgeous and the only person worthy of being at his level of pretty in pink.

[allylikethecat]

i genuinely do not think its possible for any one person to have more energy than i do atm. IM GONNA DIE. please im gonna actually die ok ok ok wait so. i promise i am sane. however.

Matty was still standing in the aisle way, the brim of his helmet casting his face in shadow. Even while wearing a crew neck sweatshirt over his show shirt and tie, George could tell that he had lost weight. He was holding himself carefully, looking up at George with wide eyes, like he couldn’t believe that he was actually standing before him.

TEARS IN MY ACTUAL EYES. george can tell hes lost weight ☹️ hes holding himself like that again ☹️ i cannot DO THIS ALLY im gonna scream and cry in a really good way but also a very sad way pls this is so ☹️☹️☹️ george u fucked up real bad and im gonna punch u for it hoe...

They reached the back of the barn and Matty turned, his arms crossed in front of his chest. George wasn’t sure if the position was a defensive one, or one meant to self soothe.

im convinced u want me dead. this is. AAAAHHH but in a sad way. just that line oh george u fucked up so so so so so so so unbelievably badly LOOK WHAT UVE DONE TO HIIIM im gonna cry. the way u described it is ☹️☹️☹️ like either way hes Not In A Good Way AND. i dont even know. im having. A CRISIS i love this so much

“You’re not my keeper,” said Matty, the ice in his voice freezing George’s veins. “That’s not up to you.”

tears in my actual eyes im srs this is so ☹️☹️☹️ (emoji of the day ong) im literally about to die pls no the one time hes confident in his words is when george has hurt him THIS BADLY that he just has to be IM GONNA SOB. 😭 thats 😭 not 😭 up 😭 to 😭 you 😭

Matty snorted, “That’s funny,” he said cruelly, “because I think you’re the one that pushed me away. You fell off Mars and somehow that was my fault and meant that I was stealing drugs from the barn. Something you went and told our boss to try and get me fired.”

every chapter i think Wow this cannot get any better. then BAM. george being completely oblivious to how badly hes hurt matty is making me want to curl up into a ball and die because of SADNESS im gonna. AUGH. pls no omfg i dont even have words like usually i at least try to say things that Make Sense but IM SO. AJSHJSJSJSH I CANT EVEN DO THAT i need u to write a book Right Now

George blinked, Matty’s words a shot to the chest. Matty loved him. Matty had loved him as in past tense. He swallowed hard.

I AUDIBLY GASPED. nononoejsiqksjswkd pls LOVED IN THE PAST TENSE im about to rip my heart out of my own chest this is the best thing ever pls george LOOK WHAT U DDIIIIIIIIDDDDDD

“You’re missing the point!” Matty shouted, “I don’t want to try.”

STOP IT RIGHT NOW STOOOPPPPPPPP STAWP STOOOPPP STOP IT NOW STOP STPPROOQOSOOWIXIOWOXOS ally. how do u. DO THIS. its eleven words and im clutching my chest and screaming silently. a way with words im sO SRS

“Everything,” said George, “I’m sorry for the way I took you for granted, for the way I didn’t take your feelings and needs into account during our relationship,” he swallowed hard, “I’m sorry for the way I let my jealousy take control and the way I took it out on you, and I’m sorry that I let my feelings about Matthew Healy, the rider I grew up wanting to compete against, overtake my feelings for Matty Healy the person. Because Matty Healy the person is one of the kindest, strongest, most resilient people I have ever met and he shouldn’t give up his dream because I’m an asshole.” George took a breath, “and I just, I don’t care if you hate me, you should hate me, but don’t let more of my mistakes keep you from coming back to Dirty Hit, don’t let it keep you from coming back home.”

THIS ENTIRE PARAGRAPH???????????? im im AWE this is beautiful and its going to make me SOB. 😭 dont 😭 let 😭 it 😭 keep 😭 you 😭 from 😭 coming 😭 back 😭 home 😭 HIS HOOOME ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️ pls im gonna start screaming crying throwing up pls slpslskqikakdkkwosoi I CANNOT DEAL. difference between matthew healy and matty healy is making me DIE

Matty sniffled. “Do you actually mean that?” he asked, his voice shaking, he had his arms wrapping around himself again.

George nodded. “I’ve never meant anything more.”

HES NEVER MEANT ANYTHING MORE MATTY PLSPLS i am genuinely fighting for my life rn this is the best ever and i love it so much and the way u write them is so Jajjanzjjwjdjjwisijs in an amazing way and im gonna EXPLODE AND DIE because of this one line. "ive never meant anything more." AKANJAJDJWJKZKQJ OKAY THEN DO U WANT ME DEAD. DO U WANT ME SOBBING ON MY FLOOR. BECAUSE I WILL. but also thats The Goal u know. emotion. ok. im going to DIE but pls pls understand i mean all of this in a very positive way and i am not telling u i hate u with this because i actually do not have the ability in my body to hate anything u have ever or will ever write and i am professionally thanking u for writing this 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️ MY JESUS U KNOW. ok. enjoy ur day and i will be screaming crying in my room over this in a Very Very good way. also i apologise for my lack of punctuation im having a horse gatty crisis

AHHH Thank you so much for reading! I apologize for being so slow in the response department 😭 Y'all are kind enough to send me asks then I take ten years to respond I'm so sorry.

Horse shows are physically hell on your body when you're like, healthy and emotionally stable... Fictional!Matty is none of those things he is struggling... and Fictional!George is so obsessed with him that of course he notices!

Fictional!George has put Fictional!Matty through HELL he is confused, and hurt and thought he found a home and a family and someone that care about him but then Fictional!George burnt it all down with his jealousy. BUT Fictional!George is Fictional!George and is so caught up in himself he didn't even realize it 🥺 He realizes it now though!! Sort of... it's a work in progress

Thank you SO MUCH for reading and for sending me such a wonderful and enthusiastic ask omg I smiled SO HARD reading it omg I'm just so grateful that you not only took the time out of your day to read my fic but to send me such lovely and detailed commentary?! Thank you, thank you thank you! I hope you liked the epilogue and I hope you continue to enjoy my works!! Have the very BEST Tuesday and a wonderful rest of your week!

❤️Ally

[antimony-medusa]

IM BACK i love your opinion on ships (sorry if youve already gotten any of these)

QSMP quackity and slimesicle

benchtrio (how could i have yet to do this!!!)

and emduo if you havent gotten them yet! (i didnt send it before because i assumed someone would seeing as you are The EmDuo Blogger in my heart, but i dont think ive seen you answer it)

Quacksicle!

I have seen people make very compelling arguments for this one and I respect it greatly, but I have a hard time spinning it up mentally personally? I can see it, but I just haven’t written Quackity that way very often. Still waiting for that one fic to convince me. :D

Benchtrio!

Ohhhh benchtrio. This is one where like, there’s the canon dynamic, and then there’s like four different fanon dynamics, and my feelings on them vary a lot. I feel like in canon they went through some really traumatizing stuff so young, and there’s no way for that not to leave a mark in you. The people you went though hell with at seventeen will be with you for the rest of your life, even if you don’t speak. And like, as a group in canon, I see them more as like a set of three duos rather than one trio.

In fanon though, sky’s the limit, I have very much been convinced in some fan works that they are each other’s GUYS all as a group. I think they should be the trio of roommates that live down the hall that got a couch stuck in the staircase and you know two of them are dating but you’re never one hundred percent sure which two are the ones dating, because they all have something more strange and terrible than simple romance going on. They’re blowing up buildings. They’re committing marriage fraud. They did terrible science in the bathroom. They adopted a very cute hairless cat. They’re on the run from the cops. They killed a man. They’re living their best lives.

Emduo oh my emduo.

I could go to other fandoms but they don’t have emduo so I guess I’m stuck here for life. My GUY, my guys, my favourite guys. I’m so normal about them. This is a thing where I respect everybody’s right to headcanon and dynamic as they wish, but also prevailing fanon makes me cry and sob and throw up, because I have done my due diligence and put in the work and like 99.5% of the time you cannot convince me of these guys as a father-son pair. Some people have pulled it off, but as a general rule, I’m just not clicking through on the fic any more because I’m just there weeping about where my BROS where my BATTLE BUDDIES are at. So, y’know, finding fan content is a trifle difficult for me. But the good thing is I just get to write them myself, so I can just keep doing that and I’m happy.

I have been variously convinced of them in various different non-family dynamics— I think someone described this duo as a Swiss Army knife of relationships? No matter the situation, you can put an Emduo there! Like, QPRs tending romantic, QPRs tending platonic, Epic Friends, Work Buddies, Morails, Romantic, Respected Enemies: I’m good with the whole spectrum there as long as you can convince me that they’re important to each other (and that they’re not related). But, y’know, as long as you make Techno funny and Phil swear I’m probably there anyways. Ueueueueueueueue. I need to go write them again actually right now.

Ship Bingo Ask Game

[paranormalbadboyfiles]

So

Y’ALL

ANOTHER WATCHER GMM CROSSOVER?!?! 

We start this episode with Daddy!Rhett yup sure okay nothing to see here (and also Shane touching Ryan’s shoulderrrrrrr). 

Dude, don’t get Shane started on cousins...

UGH LOOK HOW CLOSE THEY ARE SITTING. They’ve come so far from “two guys, just sittin’ in a tub, in their swim trunks ‘cause they’re not gay” to being so much more comfortable with each other and I JUST...BYE.

RHETT STOPS LINK FROM INJURING HIMSELF WITH THE KNIFE WITH A SINGLE FINGER ON HIS WRIST SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

Someone needed to see these two side by side as well. (It’s me. I’m someone, but I also wanna know who the someone was that edited this). 

O.O

I’m sorry...you what now?

I seriously thought it was just me being my own filthy minded self during this scene until things...well...escalated lmao.

Ryan you are a man of chaos. 

...WHY WERE THEY ALL SO H*RNY?!?!

I can’t...this is literally like some sort of start to a cheesy film made for adults. Notice Rhett’s palm flat on Link’s arm. It was such a gentle push I’m--

...AM I EVEN ALLOWED TO BE WATCHING THIS ON YOUTUBE?!?! 

Ryan follows Rhett’s example, Shane pokes at the tip, and Link is too hot and bothered to take it so he turns away. 

RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF MY SALAD?!?!

I am looking (dis)respectfully. 

It’s the (quiet guitar music) for me tbh...

JEESUS Rhett. 

AND THAT LITTLE SMIRK AFTER. THE MAN KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING. 

...is this real life right now? I feel like I need to stick the B*razzers logo in the lower right corner next to the Watcher logo. 

THIS IS NOT EVEN AN EDIT, RHETT STARTED HIS SENTENCE OFF WITH THIS AND RYAN JUST BURST INTO LAUGHTER. THE MAN KNOWS. HE KNOWS. 

Wait, what? How did we get here? How did we get from the banana to the a*us? 

RHETT DON’T YOU MFING PRETEND THAT YOU DON’T HEAR THIS ISH ON THE DAILY ON GMM AND BTS SIR. DONT YOU EVEN PRETEND. YOU JUST WANT HIM TO TALK ABOUT IT MORE. I SEE YOU.

LINK. Pls stop gesturing at the dinner table. 

...

Sir, this is a Wendy’s. 

(Yeah they are the same caption ‘cause part of the sentence is a close up of Link gesturing, and the second pic is Link gesturing as he faces Internet Jesus and his faithful disciples). 

THE WAY RYAN IS JUST LEANING INTO SHANE AS IF IT IS NOTHING. I STG THE PERSON ON THE WATCHER CREW WHO WAS LIKE “LET’S GET THE SMALLEST TABLE WE CAN FOR TWO OF THE TALLEST GUYS ON THE INTERNET WHOSE WING SPAN COULD FILL AN ENTIRE AIRPLANE RUNWAY AND THEIR BUFF COMPANIONS WHO BASICALLY HAVE FREAKING BOULDERS ON THEIR ARMS.” 

(By the way, this screenshot leads into): 

Also I cannot tell if this is a lie or not because this is where we are in November in the year of our Lord in 2022 

EX

FREAKING

‘SCUSE ME. 

SHANE GOT HIS HOLLONDAISE SAUCE ON RYAN’S LAP. I--

HOW IS THIS--

THEY MAY AS WELL HAVE HAD ONE OF THEM WEARING SKIMPY OVERALLS WITH NO SHIRT, PRETENDING TO KNOCK ON THEIR FRONT DOOR, SAYING HE’S THE REPAIR MAN WHO HAS COME TO FILL IN THE CRACKS IN THEIR WALLS. 

I have never heard this phobia phrased this way. Did he need to phrase it that way? No, but the air was so thick with UST, that here we are. 

So this is Rhett’s solution to that. I just--

WHAT EVEN WAS THIS EPISODE Y’ALL.

Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like...this...I guess...

The name of their Just 4 Fans page. 

Oh, and if you were wondering about the one word Link chose to describe this dish? It was SUBTEXT. ONE HE IS LIKELY ALL TOO FAMILIAR WITH. THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE. ON THE GHOST FILES PHONE.

And the final dish is just...okay then, we’re gonna go super blatant with this and try to ignore Shane talking about his love of mayo like some sort of Midwestern ambrosia salad making mom whose “Macaroni Madness” wins every year at the county fair. 

I mean tbf, that is the face the collective audience makes when we watch y’all but DANG Ryan you didn’t have to SAY IT in front of ALL OF OUR SALADS that you and Shane, and Rhett and Link are just off in your own LITTLE BUBBLES THAT HAVE RUBBED THEIR BUBBLY CHEEKS TOGETHER FOR THIS DOUBLE DATE OF AN EPISODE. 

Link’s word for the last dish. ;-; I JUST. I CANNOT. WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS THIS SURPRISE GIFT THAT JUST FELL IN FRONT OF MY FEET ON MY YOUTUBE FEED LAST WEEK. 

[captainaikus]

I am. I just. I cannot. BREAKING MIRRORS???? ADHKHHIJJDJHDHRHHHRHEH. Comfort? I feel like it’s been so long since I’ve read comfort on your blog 💀💀. Not that it’s a bad thing, the angst is exquisite, but like hurt/comfort is one of my favorite tropes. This was also exactly what I needed. I’ve been feeling really down abt my body lately how it’s too big and not proportioned right and how my face looks gross. Stuff like that you know? I was not expecting to be hit with this kind of comfort. It’s exactly what I needed so thank you so much for writing it.

Shirtless fictional characters are always a great motivation 😌. Oh speaking of which i might just hop on Pinterest and start looking for Izana fanart 👀👀. I WILL NEVER BE ANNOYED IF YOU START POSTING TR CONTENT ON YOUR BLOG WHETHER THEY BE FICS OR MANGA PANELS ILL TAKE THEM ALL. *ahem* Also. I went into the episode expecting to fall harder for Nagi. But no. I fell for Reo as soon as I saw him. THE HECK WHAT IS THIS SORCERY I DONT KNOW A SINGLE THING ABT HIM AND IM IN LOVE HES JUST AADGJKHFHHFRR YES. When you say you’re excited abt posting your angst wips my guard goes up immediately it’s not even funny anymore like pls I wanna say spare me but I also need more at the same time 😭💀. I read your post and I’m so excited for more Bachira and Chigiri content!!!! Bachira being my favorite character and all. And also Chigiri during the last episode shot an arrow into my heart. Even tho I had some reservations abt him before watching the episode its all good now. I have another pretty boy to love 🥰.

DUDE I NEED TO TALK ABT THE FIC CAUSE IM JUST ASTONISHED. Like Nagis was so so so sweet if made me go awww so many times. And Oliver made me giggle a lot it’s adorable. And Rins? Phew sir no need to mess with me like that 😮‍💨. I also really liked how you described all the negative thoughts of the reader. A lot of them are what I think abt myself when I’m not feeling the best so it was really relatable reading it. Thank you again I don’t think you know how much reading that meant to me it’s exactly what I needed seriously.

How are you btw? How’s uni? Also I’ve been meaning to ask but what’re some of your favorite things? Like in general? Shows and mangas and books and snacks etc? I always get on here ranting abt stuff but I wanna let you know that I wanna get to know you too. It’s a two way straight you know? Only if you’re comfortable sharing ofc. I hope you’re taking care of yourself and that you have a good day!! *sends virtual hugs*

- ✨ anon

Starry! ♡⸜(˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝ I hope yk i changed the screensaver of my phone to tr - I blame you for that (lovingly ♡)

This is gonna be a long ask ;

So i had this idea for a while and since I have a hub of angst works on my blog, I wanted to try a hand at comfort but with an angst to fluff (yeah i love that troupe as well) the reason I made this piece is cause of both, to indulge myself in writing comfort as well as to comfort people who are reading it and another element was capturing the realism of it... like. Usually when I read body positivity fics... the details of it are very vague. I wanted to put in something that was more descriptive, reasons why you hate that part of yourself- tiny details that do matter; and I ended up creating this. I was hesitant in posting this at first but then I reminded myself that it was for me and for a person on the other side of the screen who could be comforted by it when they couldn't really talk about these to someone or just in general.

And I'm glad it worked ૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ♡ And I hope you feel better now

I plan on making more editions and going further, it might include more sensitive topics as well-

Istg. When i saw kunigami without a shirt *saves image*, and Rin *saves image*, Nagi *saves image* but I really wanna see Oliver

૮₍˶Ó﹏Ò ⑅₎ა

Oh god Izana fanart. I did find one on twitter and istg the amount I- reason for my laughter. (contemplating if i should make this my screensaver or not)

I have a tr content supporter!! I had an idea in mind for the tr boys in mind- and since i got hyped for it. I'm gonna start working on that once i read the manga cause i wanna make sure this fits in the character analysis as well. Rindou came to mind for some reason

Chigiri is pretty! I can't stress enough on how he looks good and I even figured the footballer he is based on- Reo is officially Nagi's caretaker; so mature.

Oml i'm making a reputation for myself with the angst i write... but there's the thing; for every angsty piece i write, i always make sure to put a sequel that is equally satisfying and comforting (in a weird way and not in the complete lovey dovey way) it takes time to make those because if I rush it, it doesn't end well with me being angry about the low quality I wrote and the readers being unsatisfied as well... but yeah I know what I wanna write for Bachira and Kaiser (yes. Kaiser is arriving on his royally spoilt ass on this blog)

Going back to the fic, so on how I write nagi I use a lot of the "..." cause I imagine him to be a timed pause speaker; as for Oliver. He is playful and yeah that made me giggle too. (its the 'cold cup of water' isn't it?) as for Rin go to horny jail *bonk* i couldn't imagine him to be the type to talk these kinds of problems out cause he is rude. and he knows it so he dommed his way through it (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ) and i am not sorry.

So i know that my bio says 'part time model' but truth is; most of the content is based on my experience. like i mentioned before, the details of body positivity fics are very vague. But what I wanted to do was get down and dirty with it, expose everything and not keep it under wraps because it continues to be hidden yk? people can't openly talk about it when these kind of minor things do exist and they can cause a person's confidence to tarnish and maybe have other people think less of them. And I hoped that this would make someone's morning read when they're getting ready for college, uni, work etc. when they aren't feeling their best and need that kind of confidence... even if it is just from reading my works. and always, you're welcome !! it means a lot to me when my writing helps someone even in the smallest ways ♡꒰ᵕ༚ᵕ⑅꒱

i'm doing pretty well, working on some research papers and stuff, working out as well just having a slow and easy week and keeping everything in balance yk? Roomies are helping me with the weights at the gym- said i was a pussy if i didn't get another lift in. istg i'm gonna smack their ass with a wet towel this week

As for uni, new story. Another classmate of mine, lets call him victor, tall as a tree just walks up to me during recess the other day and goes 'that is one ugly shirt.' he looks like he hasn't even showered for a month and turned up to class wearing pajamas. fucking. pajamas. ugh. (I did tell him that if that's the way he flirts, I'm surprised his ex didn't break up with him sooner- i am not sorry. )

Some of my favorite things... hm. That's a tough one.

I like rainy days, dogs (i want a cerberus so badly- ⸝⸝⸝╸▵╺⸝⸝⸝; i'm good with cats but some of them like to scratch me for some reason?- childhood memory unlocked), pink shirts - i have a lot of them and my roomie steals them, warm blankets, swimming, basketball (i play), red roses, oceans, perfumes, plushies, bears and whales, music, working out, sketching, traveling, reading and just... talking to people.

Shows : I was watching skam (not the french one- the Norwegian one), normal people, extraordinary attorney woo young woo, dark (that. show.), sense8 is on my watchlist- i did watch a bit of it but never got to complete it, the tail of the nine tailed- i wanna finish it but it was stretched out and i didn't want to watch after a bit (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)

My roomies are into k drama and they think anime is 'cartoon.' - when they see the budget used int he eps tho (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)

Anime : there is a lot since I've been watching anime since i was 5, Zatchbell/ gashbell was my first and i watch it sometimes, sailormoon, bleach (never got completed), Jojo's bizarre adventure (watched it all the way to stone ocean- god. the joestar fam is so blessed, Lisalisa (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ) , Tokyo rev (i was watching it with my mom and she got mad when I watched an ep without her), death note (my dad got invested with it and then dropped it- let me see if i can get him to watch bllk this christmas cause he is a football maniac), kaichou wa maid sama (my fav misaki is my idol), blue exorcist, hanayori no dango (this was used to make boys over flowers), kuroko no basuke, Kamisama Hajimemashita (my mom loves it -), Tomie, another, naruto, yamishibai, AOT ( my siblings just have debates about the whole conspiracy on the table and this time,,, I know its gonna be about tr) - there are a lot more animes so i might have to make a separate post abt that

Snacks : Since I'm part asian... ik you guys are (probably) gonna figure out a bit of my ethnicity cause of it Guava with chilli powder and salt. It tastes amazing and its healthy too; pears, apples. Pocky, pringles, coke (yeah i have an unhealthy side too) and meiji's yan yan a lot of chocolate.

Manga/ books : Blue lock (caught up with it), slam dunk, tomie, chainsawman, tokyo rev - i think i have some panels saved, black butler, bleach, your lie in april, skip beat, nana, don't bully me nagatoro - yeah i've read one too many manga (even that hentai one that released earlier this year) and I bought one- confidential confessions

Books : my fav is probably anne of green gables - read it when i was younger but it is still fresh in my memory, reading Sigmund Freud (interpretation of dreams...), memoirs of a geisha (a gift from my aunt), verity (something that kinda but doesn't haunt me), sherlock holmes and the hounds of the baskerville was my first novel, it was kinda a picture book.

It's a mess ik. but i mostly read non fic works as i grew older. And yeah it goes both ways! idm sharing !! ꒰ᐢ. ̫ .ᐢ꒱

Tell me about you! Only if you want to tho!

*sending back big hugs*

Presenting Bachira in a b day suit \(//∇//)\

[autogynocrat]

Autism anon from earlier, here are the supposed tells/abnormalities I have:

- eating food one at a time, rather than sampling a bit of everything. Say I have a plate with e.g. steak, rice, and carrots on it. I will eat ALL the rice, then ALL the carrots, then ALL the steak. I always figured this was normal, but apparently it’s a tell in kids

- I like making feelings “even” on both side. Like, let’s say I’m walking through a door and I brush my right hand on the doorframe. I’ll immediately touch my left hand to the doorway, or I won’t quite feel right.

- lists. Fucking lists. Excel spreadsheets. I make so many lists and spreadsheets and charts and I don’t even know what I’m doing with all this data. Collating things. Like I made this playlist once of just covers of this old song, and the playlist is eight hours and twenty eight minutes long, and I individually organized the songs by year. I didn’t do it all at once of course, it was a little at a time

- tendency to overexplain if I’m telling a story, even if I know the other person knows the info I’m telling. My sister pointed this out to me, that I do this. Let’s say I were to tell a story about work, I might lead into it with “so we get paychecks, right? Because that’s why we have jobs. Every couple weeks, we get these checks that have a momentary amount, as compensation for the work we did. If you work more hours, you get more money…” etc.

- tendency towards repetitive, compulsive behaviors. I once went a year only listening to one (1) album. While I like movies, I rarely watch new ones, I just rewatch the same few movies over and over again. Some movies, I nearly have memorized as a consequence. I once frequented a specific sushi restaurant so many times that I decided to stop going because I felt self-conscious, but I went back after a week and the lady behind the counter went “you wanted more sushi!” as soon as she saw me walk in. I’m very into ritual, like I’ll eat the same thing every day for a while. Or like, I’ve tried getting into anime, but I just rewatch the same anime instead of watching new ones. Regarding compulsive behaviors, there will be things where I’m like “I need to stop doing this because it’s bad/wastes time/is evil/whatever” and will still feel compelled to do it like some phantom hand is guiding me on a chessboard

- I cannot fucking talk to people. I have no idea how to fucking socialize. I cannot understand fucking social cues. I have sat in awkward silence with so many people so many fucking times, I’ve said the wrong thing so many fucking times

- I unintentionally verbalize my thoughts and talk to myself. It’s very fucking hard to just shut my mouth and keep it shut. Usually it’s a light whisper, if I’m alone I just talk. Or I’ll mouth words, like if I’m thinking or typing. I’m mouthing this right now

- I memorize a lot of trivial facts and will regurgitate them onto people. I guess that’s kinda infodumping? I don’t know, I wouldn’t call them hyperfixations though. I just read wikipedia a lot

You mentioned doing weird repetitive things with my hands, what kind of things? I do repetitive things with my hands too. I can describe it as like, I’ll press down each finger individually one after another with my thumb, then I make a fist with my thumb inside and squeeze and it cracks my fingers, then I do it with the other hand. I click my ankles too, over and over

I don’t know, you be the judge. Surely this isn’t normal at least. I’d say most of these I thought were normal, or at least were acceptable social quirks and not signs of anything greater

when i eat the sausage egg mcgriddle at mcdonalds i take it apart and eat each piece individually with a fork and knife. i dont do this with every food but some foods are too much things at one if you dont take them apart. for curry i dont eat the rice and curry seperate i need an equal amount if curry and rice on the fork with every bite otherwise its wrong. if i have an uneven amount of sauce and other food when i finish any food it really annoy me. the iced Machiato at mcdonalds i dont like it when they stir it ib prefer to drink the caramel milk layer and the espresso layer as separate layers.

making things even i relate to this i like to arrange all the square groceries in the comveyer belt so they're perfectly packed it is literally so fun when they're aligned perfectly edge to edge

im too disorganized to makelists but i love looking at them. also wikis. wikis are my favorite media format sometimes. spreadsheets can be so beautiful but i think well indented code looks cuter and more beautiful especially in an ide with colors

i dont think i over explain things unless its something im really into

i only listen to the same music over and over and over again until i get tired of it which is usually never. i already like my music why do i need more? mili is my favorite artist btw i like them bc they make cute songs and happy songs and sad songs and the themes in the songs are cool and i like momocashews voice. i repeat certain phrases alot for no real reason other than it feels good like i say "oh no how could this happen to me" alot in a silly voice i just like how it feels in my throat. i dont feel like im guided or controlled i wish i was controlled it would be easier for me. i do however feel like an npc in a bad videogame or simulation or something. ive kinda accepted that my job is a simulation tough and i pretend im an npc with no agency i just say my pre programmed lines and focus on being a good and efficient npc its like a videogame to me and it makes the day go by easier.

i cant talk to people either they have to talk to me first most of the time or i feel like i dont have permission to enter their social circle. also i usually dont know what to say an im afraid of people thinking im weirrd

i verbalize or post almost all my thoughts i usually talk to myself more when people arent around but i still do it when people are around too. if you ever see me making lots of small text posts im probably stream of consciousness posting im basically doing the digital version of vwrbakizing every thought that goes thru my head

i dont know if anything i said makes sense sorry for the long post

[violentdelightsandviolentends]

f1 anon here! yall are so so sweet omg, ill cry rn. my current opinions on it are: i love mclaren and ferrari (what can i say, i love the color red). other than that i really dont even know what im talking abt, i really do just think its so fun to watch. at the end of the day i am a simple create, i like to see fast cars go fast. but please share and ramble abt your favs and your opinions, i would love to hear them!!

hi my love!! i’ve tagged you as 🏁 anon, so you can find all of your posts and responses in one place <3

oh you’re a girly with taste 😌 and that’s what it’s all about!! we like to see fast cars go fast <3

i’m about to ramble your fuckin socks off so be warned mwahahaha

mclaren are my favourite team!! it’s a funny one, because they’re so good to lando and oscar, were so good to carlos, but they treated danny so terribly. they’re definitely my number one team, 100%, but sometimes i do get a little angry when i think about what danny went through in a year there

I like the ferrari drivers - I don’t like ferrari as a team. or at least, I didn’t. fred vasseur (their new team principle) has come in and changed the game, which gives me hope. fuck mattia!! I just think… how are you the most successful team in the history of f1 but right now you have no strategy and no communication and a mess of a car etc etc. like how did we end up here

not huge on red bull as a team, but that’s probably because i’m not massive on checo or horner. but i adore maxie. i feel like we’d get along really well if we ever met. he’s such a complex personality but in the best way, and the most talented driver of his generation.

if I had to make a fave drivers list, it would probably look something like -

lando, maxie, daniel, carlos, charles, alex, oscar

alex mf albon!! he’s so underrated and we do not talk about him enough. he outperforms the car week after week. king shit <3

and lando is my number one, of course. we have a lot in common, and I think we’re pretty similar people. I do think I’d be able to make him laugh until he cried (not that it’s hard). he’s a ridiculously talented driver, which he’s proven again and again. he gets discredited because he’s never won, but it’s just an unfortunate coincidence that his best season coincided with maxies best season too. he’s always learning and experimenting, and other drivers have said that they watch his onboards to look at the lines he’s choosing etc etc, because he’s always pushing the limits. I cannot even describe to you how much I would love to watch him win this season.

and daniel, sweet daniel. he’s so bittersweet to watch, because he really did leave red bull thinking he’d find something better and then never found it. genuinely wouldn’t be surprised if he took checos seat next year. he’s so talented, and he’s been racing for such a long time, so it’d be nice to see him on the podium again soon. he just needs a rocketship of a car!! glad to see him back in a team that cares about him, though. he’s a ray of sunshine <3

I shall not ramble anymore… unless… 😌

anon, tell me your thoughts and faves and opinions, don’t let me talk your ear off anymore!!

[girlgerard]

2015 / 2016 / 2022

[moonchildstyles]

hello angel moony. those dwd gifs of harry and flo kissing are so older h. in the gifs jack is always in alice’s space when kissing her rubbing his nose against hers touching her face just making sure that all she can smell feel and taste are him is soooo older h. esp if he’s been working overtime and hasn’t been able to see yn finally the weekend comes and he goes to her apartment and notices that maybe she changed her makeup or did her hair a different way than how she normally does it. when he sees her he just feels so bad he just hasn’t been able to spend time with her even though she was so understanding. she’s cooking for them and he’s still at the doorway just admiring her and she sees him and instantly hugging him sososo right just hi h:) missed you :)) and he’s just sososo in love with her and he still feels so bad he crowds her against the counter and starts kissing on her leaving open mouthed kisses and just saying im missed you so much don’t ever let me go that long without seeing you okay? he’s kissing down her neck and while rubbing her legs and she’s running her hands through his hair and shoulders just being like h it’s okay you know i would never be upset that you’re working:) and he’s fully invading her space now like he’s just smelling her perfume and and her skin and just murmuring about how he missed her and just how sorry he is and he goes down on his knees to really make it up to her while he’s just “i’m sorry baby should never leave you for that long im working so we can enjoy that month long vacation we planned i’ll make it up to you baby will you let me? missed ur taste baby” then yea he makes up for it a couple times and is super cuddly w her cus he missed her so much🤭 👹👹👹🫶🏻🫶🏻

bitch u better STOP HFHSUFHSU im literally 2 seconds away from losing my shit I cannot BELIVE !!!!!!!!!!! first of all youre right it has prosecco energy........ and I love the way you like talked about him noticing her makeup is a little different or her hair is styled in a new way or shes wearing a different pair of shoes than hes ever seen and hes just....its only been a week but how could he have missed so much and the way you described himcollecteing her in his arms as crowding around her.......literally erotic hes all around her and theres nowhere to go just the countertop behind her and hes touching her hips and legs and rucking her dress up and kissing over her telling her how much he missed her that hes never allowed to go that long without seeing her that her hair looks so cute like that and god he can't do that again and shes all h its okay:) I promise:) never a bad thing to be a hard worker as long as youre taking care of yourself too!!! and hes just.....baby you dont get it I love you I never want to be away from you its not okay:( I need to make it up to you and omg .....kissing down her neck before hes skimming down her body to be on his knees in his fancy work suit and pushing up her dress w his hands going to her hips underneath and kissing her thighs and you better SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT HIM WORKINYG HARD SO HE CAN TAKE HER ON HER FANCY LONG VACATION like thats......thats p*rn rn........and missed your taste pretty girl:( and hes ducking under her dress seeing her panties all soaked and its not hard to get her to cum through them at least once before hes pushing them to the side and really Making It Up To Her and I can see his eyes peeking up at her w the end of her dress not quite covering his eyes so hes just watching her cum for him and shes just........yea he needs this everyday

[weirdmageddon]

There’s something I’ve been struggling with for a while and I was hoping to get some insight from someone in a similar situation: I’ve been feeling kind of insecure about being Jewish lately because I feel like so much of the religion/culture is tied to Israel which is, as is pretty well known at this point, a military state with a stranglehold on its original Palestinian natives. How much of Judaism is intertwined with Zionism? Is it okay to identify with a culture that’s associated with a state that’s so cruel to a culture they think don’t belong there? Please don’t take this as some sort of interrogation or attack, it’s just been nagging at me for a while now.

dont worry i feel the exact same way. i think the bottom line about it is having a sense of fairness, justice, and peace as an individual. an ethnostate violates each one of those. it’s not that i don’t support a safe place for jews i just don’t support ethnostates, regardless of who it’s for, even if i would benefit. i would not feel comfortable moving to israel knowing the policies they have in place for the people living there.

palestinians created this website and they address this. anti-zionism is NOT antisemitism!

The recent rise to prominence of a distorted and shallow understanding of identity politics has been a boon to this kind of conflation. Suddenly we see Zionism being detached from its material history and presented as an integral part of Jewish identity. This is especially popular in the West, where young Zionists who are raised on propaganda and myths of this “amazing” Zionist project come to treat it as inseparable from themselves. Here, we see the cynical twisting of social justice language to declare that only Zionists may define what Zionism is — as if it was a subjective phenomenon, with no material reality, founders, history, effects or victims — and that it was an attack on the Jewish people to oppose it or describe it as colonial.

Criticism of Israel and its founding ideology cannot be conflated with the hatred of the Jewish people. When Palestinians resist Israeli colonialism, it is not due to the religion or ethnicity of Israelis. Resistance to foreign domination has been a staple of oppressed and colonized people all across the globe. From the very beginning, the Zionist movement had the goal of establishing an exclusivist ethnic state at the expense of the natives already living there, Palestinians objecting to and resisting this endeavor cannot be compared to the odious, murderous antisemitism that plagued Europe throughout history. This is not even to mention that most Zionists today aren’t even Jewish, and many anti-Zionists are.

as a jewish person myself, zionism very much is colonial. the words zionists use to talk about it is colonialist language, including the terra nullius argument. religious text is never a good excuse to nullify the reality that is right in front of you, which in this case is living breathing people occupying that space in the present just living their lives.

in an ideal world, territorial bastards wouldn’t desire to play king of the hill on small piece of land in the middle east because an ancient text took place there. “back then” is completely irrelevant. what matters is now. things have changed. other people occupy that territory now. it’s like…girl move on. earth has been following this pattern forever: populations changing and migrating over time. religion doesn’t make anyone’s case special. settler colonialism is settler colonialism regardless of the “justification”.

this is more of a personal opinion and is only tangentially related but i’m honestly not a fan of religion in general since it creates an arbitrary distance and “us-vs-them” mentality where there otherwise wouldn’t be any. it creates a barrier to cooperation and harmony because one group has to assert their belief system over the other group as “right” when we can never really know the truth so who gives a shit. we need to look at what actually matters immediately which is resources (food, shelter, supplies) and how we can cooperate to survive. the stories of religion and whose religion is right has no bearing on that and is basically setting us up for unnecessary self-destruction instead of grounded concerns. i understand the important role religion can play for the individual but in all honesty it becomes a problem on a larger scale when people form in-group out-group based on theistic beliefs that can’t be proven or disproven. i don’t like to talk about religion much because it does not hold importance to me and having genuine discussions like this are like stepping on eggshells around many people

anyway lets get you some latkes and maybe youll feel better

[nyashykyunnie]

𝙵𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛!𝔻𝕚𝕝𝕦𝕔 𝚇 𝙶𝚗!ℂ𝕙𝕚𝕝𝕕 ℝ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕖𝕣!

The head of the house Ragnvindr, the Darkside of Dawn, the owner of the renowned Dawn Winery- Many names,.. But for you? He was only your precious father.

He wasnt really good with children to start with, so he started researching all the little details he can possibly discover. If he’s not  satisfied with that, he’d actually ask someone. 

He wants to be the best father for his child, he also doesnt want you to grow with terrible stuff. With every little or big way,he’ll make sure you’ll live your life the fullest while he guides you.

Diluc is described as “aloof, bitter, and distant.”. However, his demeanor changes in front of his child. He’s still indifferent but the thing is- he is wholeheartedly attentive. 

Diluc is also a bit too overprotective. Well, how can he not? He lost his father in a brutal way. The redhead man is basically terrifed of losing another family, let alone his own child. Danger also lurks around uninvited, with your small build- It’s natural for him to put extra caution.

Overprotectiveness aside, he’s not very good in affection. He’s not like the type of father who showers his little one with constant praises and peppers their faces with soft kisses. 

The redhead man is more on the discreet way of showing his adoration. He spoils you a lot too. He has the money, so why not? (But not too much to the point you end up growing bad attitudes.) All your necessities are always laid out and he buys stuff he knows you’ll definitely adore. You want something like that adorable plushie displayed in the shelf of that store? Two seconds later you’re already holding it. Oh, you like that beverage? Consider it your everyday drink. You want to see the stars at night? He’s already making arrangements to have your own planetarium constructed! 

Well, if he’s not spoiling you with inanimate things. He’ll sneak in a few headpats, maybe some careful pecks in the forehead. He’ll also let you sit on his lap and play with your toy as he works on his papers. Diluc wont admit it but, he definitely enjoys having you accompany him while he's working. It makes him feel less tired.

About his work, ever since you came- He made sure he still has time to hang out with you. After all, children grow so fast, why would he want to miss our most adorable days? And if it does come to a point where he really needs to pay extra attention to work- He’ll leave you to Elzer and Adelinde, maybe even Kaeya too. The Chivalry captain is still, after all- One of the few people he trusts you with.

Diluc is also most likely the type who’ll surely carry his child around when he goes on long travels with them. Kaeya will probably make fun of him, but is he ashamed? No, he’ll even feel secretly proud he carries them around.

When it comes to overall raising you to be good, he’s got his ways. One of it is being very strict. Bedtime is bedtime. No more dilly dallying around, off to bed. If you cant sleep, he’ll prepare some warm milk and stroke your heads until you are off to the paradise of dreams. (Oh, maybe he’ll even hum a soft lullaby, who knows-)

He's also a very supportive one, if you want to be an artist- That's fine! Diluc will start buying you paints, papers, pencils and all. Oh, maybe you want to learn how to fight? He'll be a bit hesitant since he doesnt want you to get hurt, but nonetheless, he'll personally teach you how.

 “Uncle Kaeya is here! Daddy! Daddy lookie! It’s uncle Kaeya!” You cheer happily as you start swaying around in the man’s arms. “Uncle! Uncle!”

“Stop moving around, you might fall” Diluc sighs as he watched the chivalry captain wave and walk over. 

“My little niece/nephew sure has sharp eyes” The cryo user softly smiles as he watches the child sling onto their father happily “How have you been lately? You’re getting a lot of sleep right?”

“Mhm! Daddy lets me sleep on his bed when bad dreams come and bother me! He makes them go bye-bye!” You giggle lightly as you snuggled on the crevice of Diluc’s neck “Daddy is the best!”

“Mn” He lightly hummed, stroking your small back with his warm gloved hand.

“Oh? But did you that there is also someone called the ‘Darknight Hero’who beats bad guys in the dead of night? If you call for him, he might just help you get rid of those bad dreams completely” Kaeya chuckled as he watched his sworn brother throw him a small glare

“You’re talking too much” Diluc scoffed at him.

“Darknight Hero? That name sounds cool!” Your eyes twinkled. “But I dont need the darknight hero! No, no, nope!”

“Why not?” Kaeya asked, leaning his head towards you a bit “Dont you want to see a real hero?”

“Heroes are cool and all but... I have Daddy!” Diluc slightly flinched at your reply. “Daddy doesnt need to wait until moon appears to be a hero! Daddy is always here and makes the baddies go bye-bye effortlessly! And daddy is really-really handsome too and-and really strong! I dont need another hero cuz I have daddy! And daddy is all i would ever want!”

Your voice was so full of innocence and admiration one could almost feel like they were walking in a field of flowers. Diluc felt embarassed since Kaeya wasnt the only one who heard- The people passing were in awe by your innocence. He sure is lucky to have such a cute child like you. Being the clueless little angel you are, you rubbed your cheeks together with a proud grin.

“That’s adorable and all... But what about Uncle?” Kaeya cooes.

“Mn... Erm... “ You thought for a bit. “Daddy is still cooler!”

“As cold as your father, you really do take after him” He shakes his head.

“Alright, that’s enough” Diluc finally says. “It’ll be dark soon, it’s best we go home now”

“And I was just beginning to have fun with the little one” He shrugs “You take care now. Be sure to listen to your daddy and sleep a lot so you’ll grow”

“I will!”

With that, Diluc started to head towards the gates of Monstadt.

“Daddy?” You yawned softly.

“Is there something you want?” He asked softly, stroking your back. 

“When I grow big... I want to be just like you... I wanna be strong and make all the baddies... Go bye bye” Your words faltered as you drifted off to sleep in his chest. 

“Not just yet, dont grow up too fast” Diluc whispered in your small ear, nosing your little head and giving it a small peck. he doesnt want that yet, let him  cherish you with all his heart. Let him handle the villains, let him protect you with everything he can. He knows he wont be able to protect you always, he knows there’s always going to be a day where you’ll have to face the dark reality of this world,... But just this once, just a little while longer... Let him cherish your inoccence. Continue to be cluless about the cruel world. Just smile brightly, so bright that even the sun cannot match it.

❄︎᯽❄︎᯽❄︎᯽❄︎᯽❄︎᯽❄︎᯽❄︎᯽❄︎᯽❄︎᯽❄︎᯽❄︎᯽

A/N

Hi! Hi! Thank you so much for taking your time and reading! I hope you enjoyed it! This is my first time writting an HC so please bare with me with all the errors ahah QAQ. I might make Kaeya and Xiao version if I feel confident enough!  I would also like to thank @araglia for the tips about Diluc! Thank you so much for the help! AND I’M GOING TO TAKE THIS CHANCE TO SAY HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR WRITTING!!!!!

[kookingtae]

falling into you (pt. 8) PREVIEW

pt 1 | pt 2 | pt 3 | pt 4 | pt 5 | pt 6 | pt 7

→scenario: Jungkook’s innocence is like a breath of fresh air in your wild life, and though you know you’re toxic for him, you just can’t seem to stay away.

→genre: college au, slow burn, mutual pining, shy/nerd jk + bad girl oc (mature themes)

→a/n: so i’m not finished with pt 8 yet, since it’s such a climactic chapter it’s taking a bit longer than i anticipated unfortunately BUT i dont want u guys to think ive forgotten about it!!! i know u all are waiting so patiently, and i cannot thank you enough from the bottom of my heart <3 i hope this preview keeps you excited for what’s to come!

Jungkook could never face Y/N again.

God, how could he, knowing that he’d not only finished in five minutes like a pubescent teenager, but also in his pants while she was on top of him?

Embarrassment didn’t even begin to describe the mortification he felt. He’d never wanted the earth to swallow him whole as much as he did in that moment. Sure, he was aware of his slight social anxiety, the way he was constantly looking to bolt from uncomfortable situations—but this was different entirely. This was new territory for him; he’d never done anything remotely sexual with someone else, period, much less with the girl who hung the stars, moon, and sun in his eyes. What was he supposed to do? There was nowhere to escape to in his own bedroom, no running away from his problems that made him uncomfortable. No, he had to stand there with his head down and his crotch dripping wet while he practically begged her to leave. He had never been so ashamed of himself. He had never felt so pathetic.

But then Y/N surprised him like she never failed to do: she’d given him reassurance, another kiss even, while telling him that she actually enjoyed the experience—went so far as to say it was the best in her life. Now he knew she was lying to spare his feelings. Of all the men Y/N had been with, there was no way a virgin cumming untouched in his pants was the best of them. She was cruel to make him believe otherwise, to give him false hope.

He wouldn’t allow himself to think any differently. He couldn’t allow himself to get hurt.

Which was why he made it his mission to avoid her at all costs—something he’d gotten very good at over the past few months, and the past few weeks, specifically.

But in the same way he’d learned from the patterns of her daily routine and used them as a means to remain hidden, she’d also learned his and utilized them to her advantage as well. It was the only explanation as to how he was turning a corner inside the art building (about to take the rear exit, since she usually waited for him out front) and suddenly she was standing right in front of him.

He instantly skidded to a halt, heart rate shooting to astronomical levels and eyes widening on their own accord. “Y-Y/N,” he stuttered out involuntarily, the sight of her causing every single detail of their time spent together to come rushing back to him like a tidal wave ready to wipe him out.

As if he needed another excuse to think about the moment they shared that had changed him forever, about the way her moans sounded in his ear and her body felt on his lap and the way she touched his cheek, his neck, the way her lips felt on his skin, god help him—

Already he could feel the beginnings of a blush start to rise to his suddenly hot cheeks, and he cleared his throat and shifted his weight from one foot to the other to keep from springing yet another boner in front of her.

He slid his books in front of his waist, just in case.

While she usually approached him with the natural ease of self-confidence and charm, today she seemed worried, unsure. She chewed at her lower lip—something he didn’t think she really ever did, as he would certainly remember the way it stirred within him—and looked up at him beneath delicate lashes that framed her eyes.

He didn’t have it in him to keep from outright staring at her beauty.

“I… I missed you,” she finally murmured, and he felt the breath physically whoosh from his lungs to join his butterfly-filled stomach all the way at the floor.

It had been a few days since he’d last seen her, since she’d been in his room that night where they opened up about their past and confessed how they truly felt about one another and shared the most life-altering moment he’d ever experienced. He missed her too, god he missed her. He missed everything about her the moment she left his side—would picture her face in his mind as soon as she left his field of vision. But for some reason unknown to him, she was too kind to him, spared his feelings despite knowing what little experience he had. There was no way he’d be able to satisfy a girl—mentally, physically, emotionally—who could have anyone she wanted. Perhaps she pitied him. Either way, if she wouldn’t put a stop to it, then he would.

Or so he’d try, but alas, nothing ever went according to his plans where Y/N was concerned. And here she was, three simple words mumbled into existence and he couldn’t even remember his own name, much less why he’d been trying to fight this.

She seemed to expect he would say nothing—either that or she’d grown used to his silence—because before he had enough sense in him to even think about responding, she was speaking again. “How have you been?”

The question was asked with deliberate, genuine curiosity and concern; she really wanted to know if he was okay, how he was handling things after what had transpired between them. And no matter how hard Jungkook tried to fight this, fight her, fight himself, he was only human.

And so he stopped fighting.

“I– I missed you too,” he breathed out, and it was like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders and relocated to his gut. He tensed at his confession, mentally berated himself for his words even though she’d been the one to say them first. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, what with the way his throat locked up.

Though the second he witnessed the smile that sprang to her tantalizing lips, he felt as light as a feather floating in the breeze.

“You did?” Her eyes lit up, sparkled under the fluorescent hallway lights that still managed to capture all of her beauty despite the unflattering lighting. He didn’t think it was possible for any scenery, not even that of a dull and stuffy university building, to make her appear any less breathtaking than she always was.

“I was so worried after I left last week,” she continued without prompt. The mention of his premature finish had him stiffening in dread, though she didn’t let enough silence fester between her words for the anxiety to claw its way up his throat. “I didn’t want you to beat yourself up. I’ve noticed you tend to be too hard on yourself sometimes.” She glanced up at him with the hint of a sheepish grin dancing on her lips.

Her expression said it all: that’s an understatement.

And this shocked him to his core, because she was absolutely right.

Just how well had she gotten to know him in their time spent together over the last few months? And how? And why?

The last question would always boggle him until the end of time; he would never understand why she was interested in him. Why was he the one she had feelings for, when she claimed she never had feelings for anybody? Though he supposed he could ask himself the same thing: why did he feel things for Y/N that he had never felt for anyone else in his life? And the answer was quite simple, really: because it was her.

He didn’t know what about himself was so special to make him stand out in her mind, and as a result he still couldn’t help but be skeptical, even after her confession. But it wasn’t like he had any choice in the matter on what to do with that skepticism—not when his heart kept leading him back to her.

At some point after her accurate description of the inner turmoil that’s been plaguing his mind, his mouth had fallen open slightly. He couldn’t hide the surprise from his face even if he tried; he was speechless.

Y/N gazed up at him, not seeming in any hurry to rush the conversation along, and for that he was grateful. He’d never met somebody so patient and understanding before—just another reason to make Jungkook’s heart flutter with endearment. And it was no secret to himself anymore that he yearned to be in Y/N’s presence for as long as possible whether he was aware of it or not.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, you know,” she continued as if she could read his mind, and that was when he realized the way his eyes avoided hers and the fact that his skin was the color of tomatoes must’ve been dead giveaways. “I meant it when I said that was the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced.”

Jungkook balked, practically choking on his spit at her forward, shameless words. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to the way she spoke her mind so openly without any fear holding her back. She’d gone through so much in her childhood, in her life—Jungkook not even knowing the half of it, he’s sure—and yet she was still so strong and brave and everything he wasn’t. He couldn’t help but admire the person she was today, despite all the prejudice and judgment he’d held for her when they first met.

He realized now that he was too quick to judge her, to write her off based on rumors and first impressions. He realized now that he was too quick to do that to a lot of people. Just how long had he closed himself off from others based on his skewed, morally righteous perspective? His whole life, if he had to say.

The epiphany that she was physically prying open his third eye with a crowbar, that he was now self aware and changing for the better for her—for himself—hit him all at once.

It was the most frightening sensation of his life, the introvert in him wanting to crawl back into his shell where it was safe and comfortable and dull. But deep down he knew it was also for the best.

“W-why?” He heard himself asking before he knew what he was doing. “Why do you keep saying that?”

He had to know why she insisted on standing by her statement that his mishap was not only hot, but the hottest ever. Why did she insist on lying to him, on giving him false hope? She spoke her mind in every other situation, or at least that’s what he assumed; why did she insist on sparing his feelings in this incident? Was he really that pathetic? Did she pity him that much?

She simply blinked at him once, twice, before: “Because I really like you, Jungkook.”

As if in slow motion, you could visibly see his eyes expand to the size of saucers at your words.

You would’ve found the sight comical had the situation been any different. But the way he continued to disbelieve that you could have feelings for him, that you could be attracted to everything about him despite who he was, despite his inexperience—it made your heart break in your chest. You now knew from where this inferiority complex stemmed—he’d told you himself about his family situation—and if anything, it made you want to rebuild his confidence that much more. He needed to see himself the way you saw him.

But you also didn’t want to overwhelm him, either. And you were more than willing to walk that fine line with Jungkook no matter how long it took.

“So are we on for a study sesh tonight?” You continued nonchalantly, wanting to return things to normalcy for him as much as possible before he ran away mid-conversation as he’d done so many times before. You wanted to ease his self-doubt so he’d stop avoiding you—like he’d been doing the past few days—as much as possible.

Jungkook blinked as if trying to adjust from the whiplash of your subject-change. “U–uh… if you want?”

“Of course I want to,” you replied without missing a beat, not caring how desperate you seemed so long as he didn’t question where you stood. You took a step forward, unable to help the intangible, magnetic draw you felt to him as you gazed up at him beneath your lashes. “That is… if you want to.”

You watched in agony as a gulp slowly raked its way down his throat.

“I–” his voice was hoarse before he cleared his throat. “I uh, can’t tonight. I have to study for math.”

You weren’t even sure how one studied for math, but you weren’t about to question the expert. “That’s fine! We could… do it tomorrow?”

Jungkook chewed at his bottom lip, an action he always did when he was internally struggling with something before he finally nodded his head yes in a slow, hesitant manner. “N–not in my room though,” he added as an afterthought, and when your gaze snapped to his he had a pleading expression in his eyes.

A mix of emotions rolled through you. On one hand, you were horrified at the possibility that he thought the only reason you wanted to study again was so that you could get in his pants. Which—okay, you’re not going to lie, you would love to have a repeat of last week—but that definitely wasn’t why you wanted to see him. He meant more to you than just a means to get off, which was what you’d thought of flings in the past. You didn’t want him to be just a fling, though.

You didn’t want to think of the meaning behind that fact right now, either.

But on another hand, you understood where Jungkook was coming from. Maybe it was because you’d studied him enough over the past few months to learn some of his behavior (for once you finally saw the appeal of studying), so you knew that level of intimacy was probably extremely overwhelming for Jungkook and he needed a moment to step back. Hell, it was even overwhelming for you, and that was saying something. Never had your senses, your heart, your body, your soul been attacked like that with such an abundance of emotional pleasure, and you hoped with all your might that Jungkook was feeling the same—that that was the reason he needed a breather from being alone with you, and not the fact that he just didn’t want to be intimate with you.

Unless…

Oh god, had you misread the situation entirely? Had Jungkook hated everything about that night?

Suddenly you were feeling sick to your stomach. The thought of you misunderstanding his confession—or worse, him changing his mind completely—made you want to escape to a dark and desolate stairwell and cry in the hidden nooks of the windowsill again; the irony that not only would you be pulling a Jungkook by escaping mid-conversation, but that the stairwell was also the place the two of you had your first real conversation, wasn’t lost on you.

“M–my roommate is staying in, studying for finals.” The sound of Jungkook’s voice was like a breath of fresh air whooshing into your lungs after almost drowning underwater. You blinked out of your inner turmoil, focusing on him. “So he’ll be there, i–in my room, this whole week.”

And suddenly your heart was warming with relief, hope, appreciation, like flowers blooming in the spring after a torrential downpour. Just when you thought you had him figured out, this enigma of a boy continued to surprise you. It was usually easy for you to hide your emotions—you’d been doing so for years, always wore a mask around others so that they couldn’t see the real you—and yet somehow, Jungkook must’ve sensed them anyway. He sensed the doubt, the pain, the fear that you vowed never to cage you crawling up your throat and threatening to consume you whole, and he eased it. He didn’t want you to misunderstand him. He wanted to reassure you.

If anything, that was just a testament to how Jungkook had broken down your walls—how much you had let him in, how well he was able to read the emotions you wanted to keep hidden. Your mask had begun to break, the real you showing through the cracks, and Jungkook was still standing here. He hadn’t run away.

You fought the urge to grab him and slam your lips onto his.

“Not in your room, then,” is all you managed to breathe out beneath a fluttering smile.

[c-kiddo]

(tw death mention)

ok ,, ramble because i listened to A Crow Looked At Me (by Mount Eerie) last night and really, i need to talk about it because its the most emotionally devastating album ive ever heard.. like, the moments/vignettes are so specific, with exact times sometimes, and so vivid.. i feel like im in the dark mossy damp forest or driving at night or the cold bedroom observing.. the grief is so raw, like the whole thing’s an open wound (makes me think of the line: standing in the frontyard like an open wound, from tintin in tibet, also by mount eerie). and its all these things So Much that it borders on frightening to listen to. like fear in a weird unplaceable way .. like, i watched anthony fantano’s review earlier and he said something about how, listening to it, he wanted so badly for it not to be happening, and yea, even years later it still feels the same way

(also, since reading and rereading geneviève castrée’s book Susceptible recently it feels so strange, same with listening to frightened rabbit, to experience art about or by someone and know that they died not too long ago and that they were going to keep making things if they could’ve. it just sucks.)

but also, i want to tell people about this part from Ravens because it gave me chills through my whole body.. its so intense.

And in every dream I have at night, and in every room I walk into Like here, where I sit the next October, still seeing your eyes Pleading and afraid, full of love Calling out from another place, because you're not here I watched you die in this room, then I gave your clothes away I'm sorry, I had to, and now I'll move I will move with our daughter We will ride over water With your ghost underneath the boat What was you is now burnt bones And I cannot be at home I'm running, grief flailing

soria moria also is so scary and intense. it kinda feels like walking forever at night and seeing a huge looming thing in the distance (sorta like the painting or just, an ending).. and like, i dont want to call it a masterpiece because its too real to be one and its not meant to be one so it isnt. .. but i also dont rly know how to describe it fully.. its so strange knowing how much the album viscerally horribly hurts and places you right into the middle of the still unfolding grief, that phil everum was feeling it so much more than any of us will understand. but like, i think he came the closest anyone could to that (understanding without rly going through it).. also i think he’s maybe one of the greatest musicians of all time and that i dont know if i could ever listen to the whole album again

[ssreeder]

heads up this one is a Chonky bOi:

ohmygod you UPDATED, you’re so lovely and so is your writing even though it makes me want to Scream (out of happiness and/or rage, it’s a mixed bag)

you do indeed make the The Most delicious cocktail, how could you ever doubt that??? also I got my own leekie tag :’) someone pls explain to me why that makes me emotional lmfao

noooo why do you always DO this sreedieeee “sokka was worried about jet finding out about who zuko really was” YOU BETTER FUCKING BE AFRAID ITS TOO DAMN LATE

“back to his rightful position as sifu hotpants” see this is the lightheartedness we need to see more of bc YOU KEEP TORTURING THE BOYS WITH NO RESPITE

also I may have forgotten that this plot point existed at all so it was a pleasant surprise

fuck you we’re back with another episode of Angst With Zuko, the most canon compliant aspect in this entire fic

lmao leave it to sokka to feel guilty about almost dying (like I Get it but also it’s the kind of situation where you have to laugh at the ridiculousness or else you’ll cry, and there’s already too much to cry about in this fic bestie)

YAY TINGLY LOVE FEELINGS our boys deserve good things <3

sreedie. I swear to fuckery if zuko is going to run away… I don’t have an adequate threat at the moment but I’m gonna be So Pissed my dude

lmfao not sokka’s ongoing shitty spirit luck-

but also >:(( about the letters LIKE THAT WAS SUCH A SMART PLOT POINT BY YOU AND I LOVE THAT YOURE A GENIUS but seriously Fuck this plot point

okay ik that “the big fire bender” is just a way to describe shen’s stature, but it makes me think of zuko being “the little fite bender” and idk the mental image of the big and little fire benders reminds me of a picture book my mum used to read to me where there was Big Mouse and Little Mouse and Little Mouse wouldn’t stfu and go to sleep bc Big Mouse was snoring too loud but the when Big Mouse put a peg on his nose to stop snoring then Little Mouse STILL couldn’t sleep bc he missed the reminder that Big Mouse was there to protect him from the scary things hiding in the dark and idk it’s cute (I’m pretty sure the book is called night noises??)

FUCK YEAH HAIR CUTTING LORE IM ABSOLUTELY THRIVING RN YOU DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND IM SUCH A SLUT FOR CULTURAL DIFFERENCES BEING EXPLAINED (also the way that zuko simply did not inform sokka of any of these implications I cannot with this boy)

smh hakoda pls accept that your son is gay, shen literally just told you they’re metaphorically fucking in public

nooOooOoOo sad bato hours :(((

also not to go off on a tangent, but I’m going to do exactly that actually. anyways. just the whole “kya would know what to do” shtick got me thinking, it’s interesting for characters to make assumptions about how things would be easier/different if another character is around but that wouldn’t necessarily actually be the case and it’s just them projecting onto their loved one the feeling of safety and dependency onto them so it can act as a source of comfort of sorts?? idk if that’s a coherent thought but it’s out in the world now

hakodaaaaaaaa jet hAS ALREADY FUCKING DONE SOMETHING STUPID I hate this I hate it I hate it I hate it why do I love your story so much I hate this

hakoda… there is No fucking way you’re gonna leave zuko behind… right. RIGHT?????? sreeder I swear on my fucking life if your separate our boys-

YO SURELY BATO WILL TALK HAKODA OUT OF BEING A BLOODY MORON SURELY SREEDER TELL ME IM RIGHT

god I love bato. also shen and zuko banter >>>

oh morrak, obviously they’re going to do something reckless this is jet we’re talking about

aaaaand that’s a WRAP

I am so torn between hating you for this ending and pumped for the next chapter bc shit is once again going to go down, and really, what else are we all here for??

anyways, in response to your proposal, I just wanna say that it feels like we’re divorced, but it was an amicable divorce and so we still celebrate holidays together so our children don’t have to choose which parent to spend time with BUT I use the divorce against you for comedic effect, such as you PULLING THE ANGST SHIT WITH ZUKKA and then I get to shake my head and say “this is why I divorced you”

love you to bits and pieces!!

leekie :)

Ohhhhhhhhh leekie I like my asks like I like my milkshakes ,,, THICK <3

Sifu hot pants takes his position extremely serious I don’t know what you mean by lighthearted?? ;)

If Zuko does run away it will be with elegance and grace and likely in the middle of the night so no one will know :D

Do you think if Zuko found out he was the ‘little fire bender’ he would kick Shen’s ass just to prove a point?

Your tangents are my world, but yeah remembering a person for their best qualities is important but it’s also important for him to at least….. TRY to do what kya would do!

If kya were here she would smack Hakoda upside the head because YOU ARENT EVEN TRYING DUDEEEE. Hakoda is lucky kya isn’t there to witness the mess he is making.

oommmgggg I love being divorced to you it’s the best decision we ever made. Mwa mwa mwa mwahhhhh. You’re the best leekie and you’ll probably hate me more after next chapter but that’s okkkkk!

[whaleofatjme1920]

Denying Feelings on the Tiled Floor (Masky X F!Reader)

[Masky X F!Reader]

[Warnings: blood, angst]

[AN: I genuinely dont think I've posted this here before but it's from my quotev and I want it here lots of love <3]

Tim can’t really describe the first moment he knew he felt something for you, only that he did. And he knew the risks that came along with having such feelings.

Hanahaki, it’s a terrible disease, really. Instead of giving flowers to the person you love, you grow them in your lungs. If the person that you’re so willingly throwing your affections at doesn’t return them, you die. The flowers cloud your lungs and unfurl, sprouting and taking root as they invade your chest, making it harder and harder to breathe until you eventually choke.

He wasn’t supposed to have feelings for anyone, especially as a proxy and even more so as a respectable group leader. His job is to guide and lead, not feel softly for someone who might never return his feelings. Tim doesn't really think he even deserves to have these type of warm feelings, if he’s being honest.

Not after he failed to protect Brian. Not after he failed to protect Amy. Not after he failed to protect Sarah. Not after he failed to save Alex. Not after he barely managed to protect Jessica. And certainly not after he failed to do right by and protect Jay. His existence was always bound to be one of suffering, not warm feelings and sly glances at someone he feels so deeply for.

He supposes that’s where the Hanahaki comes in from. He can’t just have warm feelings, he must suffer for those two. The warmth he felt for you was at first a spark, small, floating on the wind from something greater and bigger than he could ever imagine. Then, it took hold on every part of him, consuming him until it was ablaze and the flames licked upwards to the heels of the sky.

It was something he never wanted to feel, something he wanted to shove back. But sometimes, it was pleasant, and sweet, and it lured him in like sailors to a siren song.

Sometimes it was just a little smile.

“Good work today,” Tim complimented as he patted your back, watching as you tiredly stumbled back into the house. “I wasn’t sure we were gonna be able to get that guy but you? You were on it.”

You glanced over your shoulder and smiled at him. “Thanks! He was a slipper bastard, but I make it work,” you giggled.

Tim chuckled and closed the door of the temp house his group was currently staying in. “Get some rest tonight, okay?”

“Why? We have something big tomorrow?” You asked, tilting your head slightly.

He followed you into the kitchen, watching as you began to rummage in the fridge for something cold to drink. “No,” he started. “I just want you to get some rest.”

You poked your head from back out of the fridge, genuinely smiling at him. “Sure thing, Masky.”

His heart skipped a beat.

Sometimes it was your laugh.

It had just been you and Tim in the car coming back from a late night convenience store run. Apparently, the rest of your group wanted to have a movie night but the snacks were severely lacking.

There was music playing in the car but he hadn’t been focused on it all. In fact, he was more focused on you telling him things from your childhood.

“I can’t believe they just let us do that,” you had giggled. “I know senior pranks can get out of hand but I’m certain we cost them thousands in actual damage and even more in water damage.”

Tim chuckled and nodded. “I remember for our senior prank, Hoodie and I got the bright idea to steal three pigs from one of the local farms in the area with a group of other guys, and marked them with a one, two and four,” he explained, watching from the corner of his eye as you began to grin. “So, we let them loose in the school and of course, the staff and the students that weren’t in on the prank spent the entire day looking for pig three-” he’s barely able to get the rest of the anecdote out before you burst into laughter.

Tim’s heart grows softer as he joins you, fighting the desire to hold your hand. You sound so beautiful to him.

Tim knows he can’t deny his feelings. He couldn’t try any harder, and unfortunately for him, he has the inkling you don’t feel the same. It’s painful because he can feel the seeds of that terrible disease spreading further and further, consuming him slowly.

You’ve mentioned it before, not wanting to be in love. Not desiring a relationship and by extension, him.

“I just don’t think I’m up for those kind of things,” you said one night as the two of you say up on the roof together.

He tilted his head slightly to the side. “What makes you say that?”

You shrugged. “I’m a proxy, and I don’t think love is in the roster for people like us.” You giggled slightly and fixed your posture before shaking your head. “I think the only types of people who would work with people like us is people like us. But, even then, I think we’re way too emotionally unstable.” You then paused and looked over to your group leader. “What about you?”

Tim shrugged, a small, sad smile on his face. “I think I’m in agreement with you.” He said it, but he doesn’t mean it. He watched you carefully after he said it, looking for any signs that you wanted to challenge him, and when he didn’t see them, he felt the flowers bloom.

Coughing is absolutely normal for Tim. He’s handled the Operator’s influence for far longer than anyone should, which has been since his childhood. It’s just his body’s natural reaction to being poisoned all those years. But what wasn’t normal was when he started coughing up petals.

Oh how he hates the color pink now. Carnations. They’re pink carnations. He has no idea why they’re pink carnations as you have shown no type of fondness or specific admiration for the type of flower, but they smell so sweet and the color reminds him of you. He tries to smoke his cigarettes more and more in a vain attempt to smoke the roots that have taken hold in his lungs before they consume him in his entirety.

But he knows he won’t stop them, and that he won’t give into that surgery. What’s the use of living if you cannot have the feelings that come alongside it? All of the things that still make proxies human, life, death, love and birth - peace and war? Happiness when you laugh with friends, confusion, anger and somberness. It’s worth it. Every single part of it is worth it. He doesn’t want to lose the warm feelings he has to you either,

Even if it kills him.

It’s not like you haven’t noticed Tim coughing up pink carnations. The way the sparsely blood covered flowers find their ways into vases or in the trash have been greatly concerning you, and as far as you can tell, it’s not from Toby, Brian, or Kate. The only habitual cougher is Tim, and that makes you concerned.

You don’t know how to feel about Tim most days, but you know it’s something sweeter than what should be allowed as a proxy. You’re finally making your decision when you think you’ve almost lost him.

It’s a warm summer night when you finally come to terms with how you feel. You’ve just returned from some kind of ‘cooperation mission’ with Eyeless Jack and Jeff and you are more than exhausted after the mess you had to put up with.

“Anyone home?” You call out. From the kitchen, you can smell fresh pastries. Looks like Kate and Toby have been baking again. You follow the scent and see platters of brownies, cookies and other sweets laid out on the countertops with little sticky notes telling you to only take from the brownies - the rest are for other proxy groups and independents.

You’re just about to pluck one of the fresh brownies when you hear coughing. It’s soft at first, thick, but sounds like normal Tim coughing. You wonder if you should head over and see if there’s anything he needs. “Masky?” You call out again.

He coughs again. “What?” He sounds exhausted.

“Do you need some water?”

“No, I don’t-” he begins to cough violently, and you swear you can hear something falling to the floor as he does so. Tim rumbles around his room, crawling out of bed as he continues to violently cough and to the bathroom.

Worried, you exit the kitchen hastily to see what’s wrong just to see him slinking into the bathroom. “Masky? What’s going on?” You ask in a growing concerned tone, walking down the darkened hall to where the bathroom light shines from under the door.

And there you see it, flowers. Pink in color, carnations. They’re soft under your shoe as opposed to the hardwood. You feel the blood run cold in your veins. “Tim? Tim? Tim, you gotta open up please-” you rush out as you begin to pound on the door.

“Don’t you dare!” He snarls, pushing his weight against the door, still coughing. “I don’t need your hel-” he practically coughs up his lungs as he falls to the floor.

You panic. “Shit, shit, shit!” You cry out as you lean back in the hallway. “I’m coming in!” You know he can’t really hear you as he continues to hack out his lungs, but you kick the door in, bursting it from its hinges. You catch it and practically tear it out of the frame before shoving it back into the hall.

You widen your eyes upon seeing the state of Tim and immediately fall downwards, your hands sliding over his trembling form. There’s blood all over the sink, the mirror, even some of the sub and on the floor. The red drops leave trails down his mouth like snail trails. “Oh my gods,” you murmur as you rest his head on his lap, stopping his skull from knocking around on the tile floor.

“You shouldn’t-” he coughs more. “You shouldn’t be in here!” He’s not able to reprimand you because he’s practically puking up a bouquet.

“Nonsense,” you shrug off, trying to bring him comfort. “What the hell brought this on?” Your fingertips gently trace around his mouth and help claw the budding flowers out. You’ve never hated carnations so much until now.

Tim glares up at you before closing his eyes in pain, feeling the flowers cloud his lungs further. “It’s nothing-”

“Does this look like nothing?” You sound so cross, but it’s just because you’re so worried about him.

A long, pregnant pause passes between the two of you.

You continue to pull the blossoms from his mouth before looking over his form, seeing how his hand is slowly reaching up for yours. “Tim…”

“I know,” he whispers. “I’m sorry, I never meant for you to-”

You shake your head, your hand reaching out to hold his. You grip him before taking his hand warmly up to the side of your face, allowing him to caress your cheek. “Don’t.”

“But it’s true,” he barely manages to wisp out. “I never meant to throw this onto you,” he finishes before weakly coughing up more petals and full budding flowers. He can barely breathe now.

You sigh as you press his hand up to your cheek just a little firmer, letting him feel your warmth before you softly pull him back. “Open your palm, please,” you say softly as your free hand fishes out yet another bundle of carnations.

He weakly nods, closing his eyes and giving into his labored breathing as his lungs compete with the roots and sick blossoms for air.

You sigh once again, a small smile crossing onto your face before you plant a kiss on the center of his palm, remaining for just a moment before allowing him to pull away all on his own. “You always had me you idiot,” you whisper as you watch his fingers curl inwards, gripping the kiss that you had just planted.

Tim looks up at you, starry eyed before resting his hand on your cheek again.

The garden in his lungs begins to wilt.

[hes-writer]

Reign (3)

Summary: harry sees something he's supposed to have

Warnings:  angst in the beginning, angst in the middle, angst near the end

Word Count: 4881 words

A/N: @devilinbetweenthesheet-s : dont cheat and don’t do drugs, kids

Tarnish (1)  .  Halo (2)  . Reign (3) . Trial (4) .

Errors (5) . Ruin (6) . Crumble (7)

Error Taglist

____

A writer that cannot write is dead.

When one loses the ability to tell their stories and anecdotes through the mere action of swirling words together to create an imaginable atmosphere of real-world fantasy; they are dead. A writer recovering from the mundane and mediocre way of penning experiences to bounce back into what they used to be is difficult. It is easier to free fall and drown in the depths of despair. The moment thoughts and rumination fog up to form a blurry image of conviction is a warning sign, blaring at the back of their minds and sometimes even in their faces.

Harry is a writer--or, he was. Picking up the pen to style the words lingering in his head used to be as easy as blinking; quick and natural. Now, the words claw at the swell of his throat, trying to spit an adjective to describe the way he felt. It was at the tip of his tongue, waiting to be lathed into existence. It did not matter if his cognition was mingled with various chemicals aimed to be able to feel happiness.

He was sober but he had trouble placing his finger on why it was so strenuous to narrate his feelings throughout the breakup. Being high or drunk was never the answer for him. Weed made him tired and made him have a case of cottonmouth. Harry learned from a young age that he should only ever engage with alcohol if he was in a mindset and setting that catered to increase existing good vibes. He thought that maybe he was in an odd phase of perceiving the opposite, and so he intoxicated himself enough to understand that it didn’t matter if he was soaked head-to-toe in sobriety or whizzed out of his mind by the amber liquid swirling in the glass in his hand. But that wasn’t the circumstance. It also didn’t matter if he was grasping his favourite pen to write--because it was comfortable--or tapping his calloused thumbs against his phone keypad. Hell, it didn’t make a difference when he sat down and prepared his typewriter to indulge in a headspace of vintage songwriting. Maybe that would help.

It didn’t.

He had stories to tell. Everything was laid out in misty overcast yet Harry’s great ideas morphed into gentle mistakes, harsh mistakes and discoveries that had him almost ripping his hair out of the roots of his scalp. When he felt the wave of his ocean-thoughts rise and peek where the sand shifted, his fingers were ready to move and discern for the eyes to see. But with each fritter, he couldn’t seem to get even two paragraphs in to decide that it was utter shit.

Harry was old enough to understand that slumping on the wet sand was a part of life. Sometimes picking up a fistful of grains and throwing them back to the sea was a great way to release frustration. But it seemed like this plunge of his ability to write was a hole of quicksand. He was trying his hardest to displace himself as swiftly as possible but it only made his scenario worse. The muddy sand clung unto his legs like sticky glue, heftier with each effort to leave. He wanted to move on. He wanted to forget everything that occurred in the past four years. Harry wanted to erase Y/N from his life because she wasn’t around anymore to bring those memories back to sparkly existence.

What he needed to do was nestle himself into a certain depth, calmly, in order to pull a limb out and ensure that his progress on the so-called ‘moving on’ did not have any drawbacks. Until then, he cannot possibly create songs that he was well-known for if he wasn’t patient enough.

He wanted so badly to tell his side of the story. Harry craved to think as clearly as he did when he told Y/N about his plan for their future. Admitting to his feelings was a hard route. Sure, he can be vulnerable but it took a great deal of convincing on his part to immerse himself in the deepest parts of his brain to understand why he felt the way he did. He usually had the means of songwriting to help him out but that obviously wasn’t working out that good for him.

___

Harry was packing the rest of Y/N’s things in boxes to be picked up later in the afternoon. He was annoyed at first at how she depended on him to fold her clothes properly instead of doing the bundle of the work herself. But he guessed that she didn’t want to be around him for longer than she had to. To be frank, he also did not want to indulge in what might turn into an argument if they spoke about the reason for their breakup. It was just a bit confusing because he had an urge to still want her around despite their less than likely situation.

Torture. If Harry had one chance to describe the way he felt right now; it was torture. With every nook of Y/N’s side of the closet emptying into brown, cardboard boxes--he physically how much she had integrated her life with his. How much space she took up in his life. How his clothes and her clothes were so interchanged between them that he couldn’t decide if the gray pull-over was actually his or hers. And in a moment of selfishness did he tuck it away for his safe-keeping despite seeing the tag imprinted on the inside; a shop that he hadn’t set foot in so it was a guarantee that it was hers.

Her scent embedded in the thin threads of each fabric wafted to his nose; each with a new wave of memories engulfing his senses as if each piece garnered a specific scent tailored to a specific event. Like her sunflower sundress--it smelled of fresh flowers as if the print was a scratch and sniff that released a fragrance. Or their DIY-ed tie-dye shirt of pastel blue and cotton candy pink. It was a matching piece made out of the cheap dye and a simple white tee but it was theirs. Things like these made Harry want to yell in frustration because every time he thought that he was completely over her-- Y/N appears out of visibly nowhere and towers over him.

Seeing her for the first time in days was a breath of relief. She looked fine. Glowing even, and Harry did not know what to make of it. As sadistic as it sounded, he was expecting dry-stained tears and a birds’ nest of hair trampling her head. Instead, Y/N was dressed for comfort in her baggy jeans and an even looser sweater covering her body. Her lips were drawn in a thin line, giving him a nod in greeting as he gestured to the boxes littering the floor.

Harry offered to help--it was the least he could do. And somehow, silence protruded from the tense atmosphere, begging to be cut by a knife yielded through their voices nipping at each others’ emotions.

“Let go of my damn hand,” Y/N stated, her hard stare could turn Harry into stone. He just wanted her to listen before she left.

He shook his head in denial of her request, tightening his grip further. “No. Listen to me, Y/N,”

“What do you possibly have to say that will change anything between us?”

And maybe it was her fault for assuming that he wanted to fix things. The sliver of hope thinly dressed behind closed lids enabled her to think that maybe he was going to say that he wanted to make things work again. That he had broken up with Camille and he realized what a stupid he had done throwing away everything they built up to for the past four years for an affair that couldn’t quench the thirst of his desire to have a family.

Harry sighed, a shadow of mischievous smirk painted on his lips. But maybe it was Y/N’s sight in deception because she could never see Harry as anything other than sweet and kind Harry incapable of hurting a fly.

“What? I don’t intend to. We’re broken. We’re beyond fixing,”

The hitch in her breath was as sharp as the stare he was searing her with. Forcing her to please understand that this would be their last conversation--if time and fate were on their side. “You’re not something I would take the time to handle,”

“Stop saying shit you don’t mean, Harry” Y/N rolled her eyes in annoyance. His macho act was barely an act and more like a stage curtain easily pushed with a flick of a wrist.

“Things I don’t mean?”

“You heard me,” She crossed her arms over his chest in defence, leaning against the closed trunk. “Say what you will but our love was real. Don’t make me seem like I’m crazy. Don’t tell me that I’m a mistake,” Her voice was filled with confidence because she knew the affection that Harry diffused.

The cradles of his palm at the small of her back when they had to walk past a crowd. The subtle graze of the back of his fingers caressing the bare skin of her arm. Kisses pressed to her temple as she read a novel and swirling fingertips twirling her hair. These were acts of love that happened nearly every day in their relationship. A routine that felt different if it wasn’t done to or with each other.

Exasperatedly, Harry felt the same itching crawling up his spine. His ego ballooning into a delicate size and one more word from Y/N’s lush lips would have him on his hands and knees, begging for her back.

“This, us, was a fuckin’ mistake,” Harry’s accent thunked heavily in her cochlea, practically spitting the words out of his mouth as if they were poisonous. Ringed fingers gesticulated the space between them to emphasize how much of a misunderstanding they truly were. “I should’ve known the second things went further than planned,”

Y/N felt her heart drop to her full stomach. The feeling so nauseating that she instinctively palmed her belly over the fabric to protect her little baby from his harsh words. Even though they weren’t directed towards anyone but Y/N. She didn’t think that their unborn child deserved scrutiny from their own father.

“You don’t mean that, Harry.”

Because how could he? Not when he emulated sincerity through his syrupy voice. Not when he spent hours loving on her tummy and spoke to it like he would if she were pregnant. Especially not when every kiss from him felt like a buzz of electricity coursing through her veins because he was the main distributor of her happiness.

Harry truly was an asshole for making her hope and wonder of what the future held when he was unsure himself. He did want a family. That was a statement in all its truthfulness. What he wasn’t sure about was if he wanted a family with Y/N. He could have a family; kids of his own in his own time. But Y/N didn’t have to necessarily be the mother. So was he besotted with the concept of family and marriage regardless of who it was with?

“But I do,”

The rain started drizzling in frequent spurts, planting a fat droplet on her cheek that could be argued as a tear escaping Y/N’s eye. It hurt a lot to hear that from him. The man of her dreams blatantly denying each sugary word because his plans had changed.

“You’re a goddamn mistake is what you are,’

“Why are you. . .saying all these things to me? Are you trying to hurt me?” The shakiness of Y/N’s tone had Harry swallowing his words down his strep throat.

He shook his head in disagreement, “No, I’m not. ‘M just tryna make you see my side. So you can understand,” His head dipped to the side, softening his tone yet stern as though he was speaking to a child.

And that was one of the reasons why Y/N didn’t believe his all-too stoic demeanour about her. Harry was great at making others see his side regardless of how much in the wrong he was.

So why was he struggling?

___

Needless to say, he wasn’t very respectful towards Y/N any other time afterwards. He had unblocked her number months after blocking it at one point and demanded answers that he didn’t have the right to know. In retrospect, Harry was embarrassed by the way he acted. He did cheat on her and suddenly he was a saint because she moved on quicker than he thought she would? Unbelievable.

In his defence, the night he became the drunk caller was the same night he fought with Camille about having children; having a family they can call their own. Ever since that discussion did Harry notice a dispatch in their relationship. It was like they were aware of a missing link that had disappeared in their connection, but neither one of them wanted to be the one to bring it up. Harry supposed that now that Camille knew what he wanted (and vice versa)--she was feeling the pressure of giving in to him. Don’t get him wrong, Harry absolutely wanted a family and he thought that Camille was the right partner to build it with. However, he couldn’t help the voice at the back of his mind slyly whispering that he had forced her to give him what he wanted for the sake of saving their failing relationship.

___

It had been two and a half years since he mildly and miserably accepted that his dream family was being erased like a pencil on paper.

The first year; Harry still clung to the obscure hope that Camille might change her mind of having kids. Many fights sprouted between the two of them concluding in them sleeping at different places for weeks on end until they eventually crawled back to each other like an invisible string. The second-year; Harry brought up the idea of adoption. It was a hard choice for him as he desperately wanted kids of his own. A boy that looked like him and his love or a little girl that smiled at him with deep dimples mirroring his own.

And Harry liked to think that he was just on the edge of convincing Camille to consider the option when his tour was scheduled a few months after. A new dealbreaker was that Harry wasn’t going to be around much to watch and nurture the little bub they might’ve adopted. It was a sudden intrusion to think about since Harry was good with kids. He knew that. That was why he had three godchildren of his own. But what hit him the most was how sure Camille sounded when she yelled at him about leaving for months at a time and returning for a bit, only to leave again. Now, Harry hadn’t considered that part. But surely he will be ready to choose between a family and his career, right? When the time comes, he thought.

___

It pained Harry to admit that his relationship with Camille was dwindling down the drain. The knowledge that there was no future--the one that Harry envisioned--for them was getting more and more real each passing day. 

A late-night grocery trip was one of the many examples that had Harry rethinking his actions for the past couple of years. It was the time period where night owls arose and barely any customers littered the aisles. Still, Harry made sure to keep his hoodie up to shield his face.

Camille had an early flight to Milan in just a few hours later that day and she wanted to purchase some things to bring with her; in case they weren’t available in the country. So here they were at three in the morning.

As Camille walked ahead of him in her sweatpants and a plain tee, Harry couldn’t help but let his eyes flicker to the clothing section to his right The first-floor space was decorated with pastel blues and pinks; a stroller was displayed with a price would not make a dent in Harry’s bank account.

“‘M just gonna grab somethin’ over here, Cam,” Harry muttered as he pointed a thumb behind him. She nodded, “Meet me at the produce? Need to get you some fruits,”

Harry felt guilt thudding his chest because although he was losing feelings he thought were written in stone, Camille appeared to care for him the same way she always had.

He walked to the brightly lit area, puffing his cheek as a cute onesie caught his eye, “You’re so golden” with the word ‘golden’ printed in a shiny, yellow glimmer. He smiled at the thought of baby angel cooing at him as he tickled her tummy. Harry passed by the shoes next, picking up a pair barely the size of his palm. His mind flashed back to a conversation with Y/N years ago,

___

“I’m just saying,” Y/N took a bite of a pickle she held on her left hand, “Baby shoes have no business being that expensive,”

Harry chuckled from his place across the counter, “Babies need shoes too, love,’

She grabbed her fork and stabbed a piece of strawberry from her bowl, “I didn’t say the don’t need shoes. For tiny things, they could at least be a bit cheaper,”

Harry watched as she munched on a pickle on her left and took a bite of a strawberry on the other. His tongue poked out in a gag at the odd combination, resorting in glare and a huff from Y/N.

“You should try it instead of judging me,’

“No, thank you. Watching you eat it is enough for me,’

___

Harry craned his head at each aisle, hoping to find Camille and to distract himself from the endless Y/N related thoughts that somehow returned to his brain. He needed his girlfriend to remind him that he cannot just knock on Y/N’s door and ask her about the baby she has. If he could hold them for a bit because his baby fever was through the roof.

Locating the produce section, Harry whistled mindlessly as he searched for a blonde head of hair, failing to notice that there was a basket in front of his feet. He had kicked it, jolting him out of his thoughts in a hurry.

A man with brown hair sporting an outfit similar to his (sweats and a hoodie), chuckled at him as Harry leaned down to retrieve the gray basket filled with a jar of pickles.

“Sorry man,” Harry muttered, holding the handles up for the man to carry.

“It’s alright, it happens,” The guy had not seen his face yet, too busy inspecting the carton of strawberries.

He decided to continue the conversation, “Strawberries and pickles? Odd combo, huh,” Harry was briefly reminded of Y/N’s obsession with the two rival products.

“Yeah, m’lady loves ‘em. Had a craving in the middle of the night. She’s in the car right now with our lil bubba,”

Harry’s heart fluttered at the mention of a baby. He needed to get his rails in check. He cannot keep having his heart bursting with adoration at the mere mention of a baby.

“I’m Connor,” He said, finally facing Harry after choosing the best carton.

“I'm--,”

“Harry!” Both men turned their heads towards Camille carrying a basket full fruits and green veggies, “Got you some stuff to blend for your smoothies,”

Connor squinted his eyes at the couple and Harry internally screamed because he knew that he and Camille had been recognized. “Harry. Yeah, I know you,” The sudden hostility made Harry confused as Connor grasped his basket from him in a harsh manner, heading towards the checkout.

The rest of the time inside the store was filled with curiosities as Harry carried the paper bags towards the car, barely recognizing Connor’s figure heading towards his own vehicle. Luckily, Harry has parked only a few slots away and could inconspicuously watch Connor and his so-called ‘lady’.

Except, Camille was ushering him to hurry up as she still had a few things to pack at home.

___

On most days, Harry was used to waking up alone. Used to feeling the shiver crawling up his side, used to seeing the indent left by Camille’s body instead of her. He had grown familiar with the sudden cast of loneliness blanketing him thicker than the duvet on top of his body.

The early morning trip to the store had tired him out, paired with the overthinking of the man named ‘Connor’ that flipped his attitude towards him quicker than he could kick the grey basket with his feet. He flopped back to the mattress after washing his face and brushing his teeth. It was noon when he jolted out of bed again at the sound of his front door opening, voices filling the empty space that had Harry running towards the foyer in case there was an intruder.

His tense shoulders sagged in relief when he caught sight of his mum and Gemma, “Oh, s’just you guys,”

Both women looked up at him at the top of the stairs, “You forgot we were coming over for the weekend, didn’t you?” Gemma teased as she headed to the living room. Harry followed, walking down the stairs.

He scratched the nape of his neck nervously, “No. . . “

“Can you help me reach this, H?” Anne called out from the kitchen.

His mum gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek, “Yes, you did, by the way. Slept through the whole morning. Good thing Camille let us in before she left,”

At the sound of a bag crumpling and squeals echoing the hollow house, Harry scrunched his nose in curiosity, briskly walking where Gemm was currently holding up tiny baby clothes in front of her. “Who’s that for?” He thought of any possible friends that had had a baby recently but couldn’t recall any.

She immediately stuffed the clothing into the bag, nervously placing a hand on her chest, “Gosh, Harry, you scared me,” Her brows went high on her forehead in alarm, sharing a look with her mum trailing behind Harry.

“Well? Did I miss something?”

“Oh, it’s for one of my friends,”

Harry contemplated on his next words, “D-did you know that Y/N had a baby?” It couldn’t be right if his sister and mum knew about his exes baby and not him, right? That’s just plain odd to still be in touch with an ex's family. His brows furrowed in suspicion as both of them declined his question.

“What? Nooo,”

Awkward silence filtered through the air as Anne sipped water from her mug and Harry was slowly putting the pieces together. Gemme dove to the centre of the couch where her phone was when it rang suddenly, surprising all three of them. Harry was quicker, eyeing his mum and sister and inspecting the emoji substituting as a name before sliding his thumb to answer it.

"Hey, Gems! Are you coming to the park? We're waiting for you,”

Harry felt his heart drop to his stomach just as the phone nearly slipped from his clutch. That voice. He could recognize it from everywhere having spent nearly every morning for the four years that they were together hearing it lulling him out of sleep. It was Y/N’s voice calling his sister who was looking extremely anxious.

He tapped on the ‘mute’ button, “What does she mean ‘we’?”

“Nothing! Give me my phone back,” Gemma tried to reach for the device but Harry held it high beyond her reach.

“I saw the picture you sent me. I told you that you and Anne didn’t have to get me anything,” Harry felt dizzy. “Connor and I got some things a few weeks ago. But that skirt is so adorable!”

One part of him was glad to hear her voice. In fact, Harry found himself smiling too, despite what he just heard. Connor. “Harry, won’t be there right? Hello? Have I been talking to myself this whole time,” Y/N laughed a little; she had a habit of talking endlessly when she was excited. It made Harry more sombre, letting his guards down and his arm in reach for Gemma to grasp.

“Hey! I'm just organizing the clothes, see you soon!" Gemma jammed her finger on the red end call, anxiously glancing at her brother, piecing everything together.

“Who's Connor?" Could it be that the Connor he met last night was the same as Y/N’s? The one who bought pickles and strawberries--one of Y/N favourite food combinations? He mentioned that he had a little girl and Y/N just called to meet his sister and his mum at the park. And baby clothes?

Anne and Gemma looked at each other, quickly deciding that for the benefit of Harry that they should tell him at least a little bit. He was looking as if he was going insane, especially with his bed head pointing his hair out in different directions.

“He’s Y/N’s partner”

Harry gulped, reeling his thoughts to a halt, “Partner? And the baby is...?” The last bit of confirmation was all he needed to lash his feelings out.

“Is... waiting for us at the park! Sorry H gotta go,” Gemma was swift enough to gather all the bags without having Harry chase after her. His state of confusion and shock was enough to render him partially speechless and immobile.

“Hey wait!”

Anne garnered his attention, “Oh, Mrs. Q from next door wants me over for dinner. I’m sure wants to see us both. Why don’t you get ready, Harry?” Anne tugged his arm in the direction of the staircase pushing him to stumble up a couple of steps.

Harry was confused. He made the sounds of his footsteps creeping up the wooden stairs, hearing his mum quietly talking to Gemma on the phone, “Elmsway Park, you said? How long till you're home? I’m not sure how long I can keep him occupied,”

With that being said, Harry was out of his house, silently unlocking and locking the door. He was dressed in some basketball shorts and a graphic tee, slipping on the first pair of sneakers he had tossed aside. Harry jogged to his car, typing in the name of the park on his phones’ GPS. The route was only a few minutes away so he decided to take his time, gathering his scattered thoughts along the way.

He parked just beside the playground scouting the trees around the premises. Harry decided that it was the perfect day. The sun was out. It wasn’t too humid and the birds were chirping on the branches. He could see why the playground was full of children running around in delight. The green patches of grass were partially filled with picnic blankets and food to be shared. Families laughed with each other as one in particular caught his eye.

It made him smile at first, seeing just how adorable the couple was with their baby. He exited the car, making sure to lock the vehicle. With his hands jammed deep in the pockets of his shorts, Harry could feel the tethered grass rubbing against his legs. As he got closer, he couldn’t help the twinge of familiarity spark in his chest, recognizing that what he was staring at was Connor playfully chasing a little girl of about two-years-old as she squealed at how close he was getting to tagging her.

Harry stood by a tree, shielding him away from view. He tried to appear invisible without seeming too creepy. He knew that it was only a matter of seconds before his eyes found the woman he had been missing, whether he wanted to admit it or not.

Connor picked up the little girl in his arms, dotting pecks all over the girls’ cheeks, causing her to giggle and push his face away with a tiny palm. And there she was standing outside the raised platform of the playground, coming up to the both of them with a juice box in hand to hydrate the little angel. Connor turned his attention to Y/N, planting the most adoring kiss on her lips that made her smile so wide and the baby cover her eyes. They laughed together, looking like a picture-perfect family.

Gemma sat on the bench, flickering her gaze to the precious family in front of her and to the figure of her brother walking away from the scene. Her heart broke for Harry, and it cracked, even more, when he turned back. This time, watching Connor and Y/N cheer on baby angel to go down the slide. Both of them clapped their hands in enthusiasm as the girl hesitantly slid down the plastic slide. The smile on her face was infectious.

It almost made Harry smile, too.

___

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