#i cant hold a job i dont have another way of getting income

[itsdappleagain]

i know csweekly is on hold now, but I still have to catch up on The Luchadora Tango Caper, so here it is!!

Season 3 is maybe my least favorite season out of any of them, but I still love it, so I'm really excited to get into this!

Notes under the cut as always and please ignore the fact that I'm a month late on this thx

NEW CASTLE!!! NEW CASTLE YAYYY

sometimes I think this whole series is Maelstrom just talking about shit for like 14 hours

cleo sympathizing with guys in skirts <3 she knows ur struggle boys

love how they slapped up a giant glowing green world map and copper sulfate burning chandeliers before they put in insulation or heat

brunt, girl, calm down. they were just doing their evil minion bagpipe job

british on british violence

that was such a cute nod when this season first dropped. haha theres been no sign of her all summer because of the hiatus you are so clever

they rlly thought they had something with the turn them against each other thing. i cant believe they thought they tvy7 rating would let shadowsan and carmen kill each other 🙄

"carmen is DEAD" (cheery tango music)

i mean it works because we know hes wrong and stupid but like

no offense but the tango dancers are animated in a way that is reminiscent of a kid manually moving their barbie dolls legs to make them walk

our girl <3

tell me why dropping 200 feet onto the top of the metal detector was more sneaky than literally anything else she could have done

ok. yes. but the fact she is robbing it does not negate the fact that she will be on the news for breaking into a bank dsjfsdghfkdsa

1021 is the number on the box- could it mean something? in a strictly doylist sense. october 21st doesn't seem to have any significant holidays...I can't find anything, might just be a random number set.

good god the "i...have his eyes." hits me like a truck every time

gina pulled it out with the voice acting in this one

she WAS a very cute baby

"another" link girl what else has there been you should be ecstatic

ayyy its the character literally everyone except spintrap-stan and amaryllis solely remember for being voiced by dante basco

i love how snarky carmen immediately gets. if he knows her name and what she looks like, obviously he's an operative, so she gets to have a little fun in immediately declining him while still gaining valuable information, almost immediately, about who he is and what his talent will be

everyone is very stretched today

this is not my favorite fight scene honestly (at least until flytrap gets here. dont even get me started on her fighting style im in love with it) because its literally just like ooh. he kicks. she dodges. wow. they really do try with the tango parallels but idk

wow!! other people can kick too??? who knew

she protected the face

cutely runs into oncoming traffic

those cars were not even slowing down girl they were just like HONK MOVE OR DIE

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS FLYTRAP MY GIRL

okay mini rant incoming i already did a post on this like a billion years ago but flytrap is one of my favorites because in my opinion she and paper star are the most dangerous villains we ever see in the show. let me. try to find that post actually

yeah here it is

flytrap is also so hot and has the same va as luz so she's just top tier. idk if the team put half the episode budget into celebrity voice actors and thats why we only got 5 episodes but you know what

love how carmen is literally stopping her attempts to get free to banter. girl. stop

shadowsan <3

love how they do not even bother showing the fight they just get their asses handed to them

why didnt they start in veracruz just asking

not the table

ok guys. you can stop with the tango thing now. its okay

that little conversation between ivy and shadowsan is so good

comrades??? sir its not the cold war

article from 17 years ago, thank you for that easy to understand slang

carmen plot armored her way out of getting her skull smashed in on that train so hard that she made maelstrom stupid

its canon both in and outside of the show that color theory is so prevalent that any sort of red at all immediately signals carmen

the colors are so beautiful in this scene. carmen doesnt have her coat or jacket on, everythings just a little desaturated as she searches

THE ACME GANG <3333

not the finger guns and glasses wheeze hes such a loser i love him

THE FORESHADOWING TO EGYPT WITH THE PYRAMIDS ON HER LAPTOP!!!!

love how all we get of julia this season is her being pissed off and then leaving

he was such an asshole for closing her laptop why did he do that 😭

has carmen just been ignoring vile missions for the last season of the year to research her mom or

girlie is so sad about everything

ah yes, the door, the thing you wish to have opened, the best place to lean your full body against after you knock,

i'M SOrry. did you NOT attend a school for THIEVES

HSDGGDG HEY. just broke into your house. im your long lost daughter

i love how she goes DONT TOUCH ANYTHING and then immediately drags her whole arm across the wall and cabinet

also her face when she sees the masks is perfect

okay be honest how many of you have replayed carmen saying maybe mommy at least once. who. raise your hands

shes sooo buff

love how everyone is taking this so seriously and then carmen is just completely apathetic about anything thats going on

dont deadname lupe, carmen

her hair catching a gust of indoor wind for the sole purpose of making her look sick as hell in her intro card is so iconic

as ivy absolutely obliterating zack in the foreground is so fucking funny

she got that "EH EH EH." titter of "HEY NO. DONT YOU DO THAT" down scary well

devineaux strutting im sobbing. julia was doing SO well and then she got paired with devineaux AGAIN

that cab driver looks so concerned about the hulking texan in his backseat

remember when the trailer dropped and we thought those roses were for julia. good times

everyone narrowly avoiding each other as they pull in

you just know ivy smacked zack when he protested to decoy time hdsafhadsg

gotta say the "EH?" while getsuring to the trophies is fucking hilarious. obviously julia knows she wouldnt go after those but its so funny

i do love the way carmen just shrinks any time brunt appears. she is soooo traumatized

VAMOOSE EL MASKO SHES SO ACCURATREIUSDHKFSKHFD SHES EXACTLY WHAT MIDDLE AGED AMERICAN SOUTHERNERS SOUND LIKE

LUPE IS SO FUCKING COOL

devineaux showcasing his braincells for a spilt second this episode

ah, so begins the not a good time mantra

devineaux getting absolutely decimated because he thinks coach brunt thinks hes handsome is so funny

the referee watching two apparent civilians enter the ring: 🙂

carmen is so funny here. she uncuffs herself and then just leaves devineaux to die like fuck his ass he can get smooshed

carmen getting increasingly mad at devineaux while she drags him places is my favorite part of the episode

also, either carmen got stronger or devineaux had a few bouts of crazed research where he didnt eat, but she can drag him easily now as opposed to when she was struggling back at the trap in poitiers

they put this shot in the trailer and without context it just looked like carmen was standing there glaring at brunt menacingly

the cat burglar <3

worst fucking ref on the planet i love him

was carmen stopping to listen to julia's voice i would like to think so

ah the devineaux and cars gag. i mean, to be fair, it wasnt his fault this time

starts beatboxing

carmen really just dumped her whole life story on lupe thats so funny. girlie started the day preparing for a match, got her house broken into, and then ended the day learning about a global crime syndicate

they really ended s2 going THE NEXT SEASON WILL FOCUS ON CARMENS MOM and then started s3 going well actually um okay so

theres our transition sentence

lupe's yellow and blue palette btw!! cs color theory i love you

lupe is more of a mom than carlotta ever gets to be thats sad honestly

carmens little smile ough

here is a shot that very succinctly illustrates the dynamics in the coming seasons. the three at the table stand strong- always have. roundy is basically a footnote no one cares about him and then brunt...brunt is sort of on the edge. this carries over all the way into s4 when malestrom tries to drown her

oh my god i forgot about the weird halloween thing the faculty has going on this season i love it

my analysis is right in time for spooky season >:) halloween IS nearly upon us!!!

OKAY well my thoughts on the luchadora tango caper...pretty good. honestly its kind of net zero information because we introduce the premise of finding carmens mom and then immediately abandon it but it sets up um....well....it sets up....what does it set up

anyway- not my favorite episode, even though lupe is fucking awesome. i think it suffers a little from deviating from that classic caper structure and jumping around, but it does its job as an introductory episode.

until we return, sayonara, mon amigos!

[murosakiiro]

A much needed Life Update

So, let's get to it shall we?

Lets start with projects Im working on.

As pretty much everyone is aware, I'm a published author now and the first (yes First!) Trilogy in my series is out. I'm very happy, awed and proud to finally be more than just self published and I cant wait to introduce everyone to the next trilogy.

I'm also working on a free to read story, The Fallen Rise, which I'm also grateful for all the support! Just having people read it supports me and the story and allows me to keep updating semi-daily! Yay for free support!

I'm also working on redoing my old old comic idea, Son of Nyarlathotep. It's a horror adventure comic just oozing lovecraftian lore and I am so excited to share it! I almost have a month buffer on pages, so I'll hopefully start posting that in June.

Im also working on another horror project, a untitled game I'm developing with my partner. We're still in the early concept and planning stages but with my main game project on hold, this is a nice way to keep expanding my toolset for when work on BOTA can begin again.

As far as BOTA, the project is on hold for the foreseen future. I just dont have the extra income to pay the team and despite us being so close to having a Demo. I dont believe in asking people to work for free. So, until I can pay the team, the demo is on hold.

Now for Life stuff.

So, some of you know, my life has been pretty hectic and stressful since September of last year. Well, without putting myself on blast, I'm glad to say I'm almost through it. There's only one more loose end to wrap up and fingers crossed, It'll be tied up soon and I can officially move past it. It's been stressful, anxiety inducing and definitely has changed the course of my life, but it wasn't all bad. It allowed me to meet my partner, who is amazing and taught me some very important lessons about myself and finally, finally, finally forced me to face and deal with my trauma. I'll be happy when it's over and I'll carry these lessons with me going forward.

Speaking of which, as of now, Im a stay at home parent. I can't afford a babysitter or daycare in my area so the only option for me is to watch my daughter myself. Obviously, this is a big scary step for me, so believe me when I say I appreciate the support on my projects. I'm working to secure a work from home job but until then, book royalties and rev share from The Fallen Rise is my only income.

And thats it

Sorry for the long update but I don't do these often. Again, thank you everyone for ALL the support you give me and for being my strength through everything.

[funshinebf]

i have 88 cents in my bank account. im at my friend's house staying the night, which is awesome and fun of course, but my friends dont really have a lot of food i can eat here. and im hungrier than i would like to be in this situation. i was lucky enough to get free nuggets earlier cause of a deal my friend had for fast food, but my buddy went to sleep and i also wouldnt even be able to ask them if we could get food because i Know i cant pay for anything and i dont want to just mooch off of them, which ive already been doing wayyy more than i have with people in the past, just cause of my unemployed adult status. life was so much easier when i was a teenager and could just ask my dad for 20 bucks to get food at the mall. but now i absolutely cant do that cause they already let me live there rent free and buy me groceries and food all the time. im already asking more of them than i should be at this point and it makes me feel so guilty and sick all the time. and im becoming like that with my friends too and i cant stand it. i cant stand feeling like im always the one who cant buy their own fast food or drinks or anything. i hate it so much but since i dont have any income right now im just stuck this way until another holiday family will give me money for comes around, because thatll probably happen before i even finish filling out the disability application, let alone see any money from it. and i genuinely would rather just kill myself than try to job search and hold down a job right now. the thought of doing that whole song and dance again just makes me feel like throwing up. ughhhh i dont know what to even do about this. there isnt any way to solve this because there arent any other ways for me to make money. and the only thing that can fix this is money!! god i fucking hate everything all the time

[aced0g]

gonna vent just ignore this

[katronautt]

KAT'S YEAR REVIEW & A THANK YOU NOTE

hello my lovelies! we reached the end of this year (thank god) and i have a few things to say and a lot to thank for you guys.

(i promise that the rest of my writing is not in this font lol)

this year sucked. bigtime. everyone was all over 2020, how bad it was and all but lemme tell you, 2021 wasn't that much better either. first half of this year was spent with struggling trying to find a job while spiraling down into the rabbit hole of self-pity and depression. finally in may (after 8 months of searching), i got accepted to a place that wasn't (and isn't) any better than what I had left behind in 2020. still, it is somewhat better and i least i have a monthly income for now.

but i still very much like to move on to something else in 2022 so here is the first thing im hoping for next year: a good job with a good salary, something i enjoy doing. (huh good luck you dumb biatch lol)

so all in all, i hated this year but!! there are a few things that made is somewhat bareable and it is all thanks to you guys! (here comes the soppy part so buckle up)

i (re)discovered the world of fanfiction throughout the pedro fandom sometime in november, 2020. i have all that time in my hands since i didnt have a job and i got really into it. ever since then, i find it hard at nights to go to sleep without reading anything before it (kinda became a tradition of mine if you will) and during the winter, reading fanfics helped me tremendously. they helped me escape from my miserable, jobless, futureless and lonely af life and they helped me get through the day. they brought me joy, sometimes tears in a good way and i caught myself staying up til 2 or 3 just to read "one more" chapter of a certain fic.

i still cant believe you guys are doing this for free, for our entertainment (and yours) ! sharing your wonderful works with us and expecting nothing in return (except for the obviously well deserved likes & reblogs) is truly a wonder i never be able to comprehend!

tumblr is truly a hellsite, it gave me so much anxiety since i joined back in actively yet... tumblr is also that thing that gave me the most joy this year with y'all in it.

and now for the thank you notes:

⭐ yes of course im starting with my dearest, my love, my one braincell, @queenofthefaceless. ari, you were one of the first 'big' blogs that started following me after i started making gifs again and i was all over and back and that support still holds up til today. thank you for your neverending support and for always being there for me, no matter what. ilysm. 💜

⭐ although we dont speak much lately, @keethus-arts I ll never forget your support and nice words whenever i was feeling down. thank you keeth! 💜

⭐ when @ithinkhesgaybutwesavedmufasa started following me, i was just about to go to bed around 2 am, but when i saw the notification i got so excited that i couldnt sleep for another half an hour and then the next morning i checked in there again to see if i wasnt dreaming. for a while i was intimidated by Katryn for some stupid reason (you know big blog with amazing and popular fics and all) but honestly she's the absolute sweetest and I'm so glad I got to meet you! You have such amazing & wonderful stories! i also wanna thank you for your infinite support towards my maxie gifs and towards my other works too💜

⭐ the same happened with @qveenbvtch, i was (and am) so in love with her javi series, i never thought that such a big and amazing (and intimidating) writer would ever talk to me, let alone follow me but she is also one of the sweetest person i've ever met here and i hope she is doing alright and having a nice holidays wherever she is right now 💜

⭐ @mandocrasis birdie, you know this by now but i found you and your blog through your mind blowing fic interruption which is probably something i will never shut up about, but through that smutty one piece i got to meet a wonderful person with wonderful stories & i thank you for your never fading support towards me and my gifs 💜

⭐ @asta-lily lil beans, although you are not that active anymore on tumblr (which i hope will change one day), you were one of the first people i became mutuals with and i was lucky enough too meet the sweetest, loveliest person in you. and your AOJ story forever remains dear to my heart 💜

⭐ sweet, sweet @anaaaispunk ! the first thing i read from you was the first chapter of your crazy in love series (during my summer holiday, on a beach, with people all around me... ) i was instantly blown away and sweating (and not just from the hot wheater 🤭), I just knew I had to follow you for more haha. but this way I got to meet another sweet soul of tumblr with an amazing writing talent. thank you for all the love and support you have shown towards me and my gifs 💜

⭐ MEG! i feel like i am so lucky for finding your soft max lord series, it seriously changed my life, i fell in love with the story, with max, the whole thing.. and when you dedicated your latest chapter to me with that sweet note, i felt like i could cry, because honestly, one of the best thing that happened to me lately haha. you are an absolute angel and dont you forget that @perropascal !! 💜

⭐ and i also wanna mention and say thanks to @babydarkstar! Your ezra story had blown me the fuck away, seriously, its amazing, wonderful and beautiful.. just like you anya, thank you for support and your amazingness! 💜

Alrighty, i talk way too fucking much so im just gonna tag the rest of y'all to whom i say a massive thanks because without your amazing fics i dont think i would have survived this year ( i know with some of you we are not mutuals but that doesnt stop me from loving your works):

@absurdthirst, @toomanystoriessolittletime, @storiesofthefandomlovers, @honestly-shite, @littlemisspascal, @radiowallet, @queridopascal, @just-here-for-the-moment, @softpedropascal , @javier-pena, @f0rever15elf, @danidrabbles, @lellowberry, @pedro-pascal-love, @foli-vora, @krissology @frannyzooey, @starlightmornings, @wordsnwhiskey, @juletheghoul, @dincrypt, @mandosmistress, @yespolkadotkitty, @songsformonkeys, @the-ginger-hedge-witch, @astroboots, @brandyllyn, @charnelhouse , @ezrasbirdie , @novemberrain221, @oonajaeadira

And to every other lovely mutuals I am lucky enough to have: without your support I'd be nowhere. Love y'all tremendously 💋❤️❤️

@beskarboobs, @300mirrors, @over300books, @artsymaddie, @phantomviola, @djarsdin, @sirtadcooper , @lucrezia-thoughts, @wild-at-heart-kept-in-cage

Here's to another shitty AMAZING year with you guys on this hellsite!! 🥂🎉❤️❤️❤️❤️

[patriotsnet]

Why Do Republicans Lie About Everything

New Post has been published on https://www.patriotsnet.com/why-do-republicans-lie-about-everything/

Why Do Republicans Lie About Everything

Which Came First: Republican Hate Or Gop Misinformation

Do Honest Republicans Still Exist?

Hate is a great motivator. All political parties have used it to get out the vote. Generally, those who seek elected office shape information in a way that helps a certain voting block hate their opponent. Thats how we elect people in America. That is a sad reality we just have to accept in order to fix it. Hope doesnt fix it.

Whats unique and new about negative politics in the post-Obama era is that we have this thing called the Internet and dare I acknowledge itSocial Media. ;Social media has completely isolated the Republican Party base. The Internet and social media have created hard-edged, isolated buckets of information where facts dont matteragreement;and emotion matter. For republicans, agreement with their own bias is considered fact, whereas disagreement is a lie they literally transform reality to support their own opinion: the Post-Truth Era. In order to maintain that alternate reality, they have to hate those who dont agree, otherwise their reality bubble starts to break apart.

This is the case on both sides of the aisle, but the hardliners have taken it to a new level, which is why they seem to hate everything. Theyre even taught to hate things that help them like the ACA, unions, and public education.

Social media and 1000 cable channels dont increase the information we receive they focus the information and repeat it 1000 times more often. Anything can become the truth when its repeated enough times.

The Big Lie Is Gop Gospel

Cheney is not alone in suffering consequences for challenging Trumps allegations.

Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger, who defended the states counting process against Trumps attempts to interfere with it, was stripped of his voting power on the State Election Board as part of Georgias new voting restrictions law.

In a special House election in Texas held on in early May, the Trump-critical Republican in the race Michael Wood got 3 percent of the vote.

In January, Michigan Republicans removed Aaron van Langevelde, a GOP attorney who broke with the party to certify Bidens victory in Michigan, from his post on the states Board of State Canvassers.

At the Utah Republican Partys convention this weekend, Sen. Mitt Romney perhaps the GOPs leading Trump critic was booed and called a traitor.

At the same time, Republicans who have embraced falsehoods about the election have been elevated.

Rep. Elise Stefanik , who appears likely to replace Cheney in the No. 3 spot, backed Trumps anti-election efforts to the hilt. Most egregiously, she falsely asserted that there were 140,000 illegal votes in Georgias Fulton County alone which would amount to more than 25 percent of all the votes in the entire Democratic-leaning county. The breakout Republican stars in the House of Representatives, Reps. Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert , both egged on the January Stop the Steal rally that culminated in the attack on Capitol Hill.

Why Do Conservatives Soak Up Lies

The evidence that conservatives crave lies is abundant.

Conservatives loved George W. Bush’s and Dick Cheney’s lies about “Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction” — loved them so much, that the researchers who wrote “‘There Must Be a Reason’: Osama, Saddam, and Inferred Justification” surveyed 49 conservative Republicans, during October 2004, who admitted that they still believed Saddam Hussein had caused the 9/11 attacks, and these researchers found that 48 of those 49 extreme conservatives were entirely impervious to the overwhelming factual evidence that was provided to them by the presenters contradicting this false belief they held. Then, a showed that when Republicans were offered the official 2004 Duelfer report that had concluded Iraq hadn’t possessed any weapons of mass destruction for years before the United States invaded it in 2003, the percentage of Republicans who believed that Iraq did have WMD immediately prior to the invasion shot up, instead of going down . Even all of the exposés that had already been published about Bush’s faked WMD “proofs” didn’t persuade Republican voters that they’d simply been deceived by the people they trusted and supported. They didn’t resent it at all; they just asked for more, from those same discredited liars.

So: why do conservatives sop up lies, on topic after topic?

They do it because, if they didn’t, they couldn’t be themselves; they couldn’t be conservatives. Lie-lovers is whom they are. It’s their identity.

———-

Don’t Miss: Have Democrats Tried To Impeach Every Republican President

The Gop Elite Gave Us This Party

This dire outcome was not inevitable: The best evidence we have suggests that the rise of the Big Lie is the direct result of strategic choices by Republican leaders.

A new paper by Dan Hopkins, a political scientist at the University of Pennsylvania, analyzes data from a panel survey, which looks at roughly the same group of people over time, running between 2007 and 2020. The survey asked people to rate the fairness of the US electoral system on a scale of 1 to 5, and tracked the changes over time.

What they found was a striking consistency: Support for the American system is both high and reasonably stable when assessed via this measure, Hopkins writes. Though there are some fluctuations, with partisans evaluating the system as somewhat less fair when the other party is in power, generally theyre small.

Hopkinss last survey wave was in October 2020 which means the results dont reflect the false allegations lobbed in the aftermath of Bidens victory. The stability documented here was very likely shattered by Trumps post-election actions, Hopkins concludes.

Other data confirm this supposition. A report from the Voter Study Group analyzed Pew surveys, conducted after every presidential election since 2004, on whether voters thought their vote was counted fairly. You see the same general stability documented in Hopkinss paper, with a majority of voters in both parties saying they were very confident their vote was counted accurately in every year except 2020:

Republicans Have A Good Reason Not To Want To Investigate Jan 6: Theyre To Blame

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Our nations preeminent bipartisanship fetishistsJoe Manchin, Susan Collins, and Lisa Murkowskiare deeply disappointed that they cant get Republicans to back an investigation into the January 6 attack on Capitol Hill. Indeed, they seem outright baffled that their efforts at compromise have fallen short on plans for a bipartisan panel. There is no excuse for any Republican to vote against this commission since Democrats have agreed to everything they asked for, Manchin said in an angry statement on Twitter. It would be so much better if we had an independent outside commission, Collins, a moderate Republican, told reporters Thursday. Is that really what this is about, one election cycle after another? added Murkowski, blasting Mitch McConnells anticipated filibuster. Or are we going to acknowledge that as a country that is based on these principles of democracy that we hold so dear, and one of those is that we have free and fair elections.

I kind of want that to endure beyond just one election cycle, the Alaska moderate Republican told reporters.

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More Great Stories FromVanity Fair

Recommended Reading: Did Trump Really Say Republicans Are Stupid

In 2009 Republicans Predicted That The Economic Stimulus Package Would Only Make The Recession Worse And Cause More Unemployment

The results show they couldn’t have been more wrong. The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 ended the recession after only a few months. Although 750,000 people were losing their jobs each month when Obama took office, after the Recovery Act was passed the rate of job loss immediately decreased each month and within a year the economy showed positive job growth.

Considering the severity of the 2008 economic collapse and the total opposition by Republicans to do anything at all to stimulate the economy, it is remarkable that the US economy recovered as quickly as it did.

Looking at the rate of job loss and job creation, its easy to see that the stimulus of 2009 was highly successful in stopping the job losses and turning the economy around.

Republicans Predicted That We Would Find Iraqs Weapons Of Mass Destruction Even Though Un Weapons Inspectors Said That Those Weapons Didn’t Exist

The Bush administration continued to insist that WMDs would be found, even when the CIA said some of the evidence was questionable. As we all know, the WMDs predicted by the Bush administration did not exist, and Saddam Hussein had not resumed his nuclear weapons program as they claimed. Ultimately, both President Bush and Vice President Cheney had to admit that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

Don’t Miss: Who Is Behind Republicans For The Rule Of Law

Republicans Said President Obama Would Raise Taxes Sky High

It never happened. Income taxes for over 95% of Americans remained the same or lower than they were before Obama was elected. The only people whose income taxes increased were those who make more than $400,000 per year, and their taxes rose only 3%. For most Americans, taxes are still lower now than they were under Reagan.

In 1993 When The Brady Law And The Assault Weapons Ban Were Passed Republicans Predicted Increasing Rates Of Crime And Murder

Republicans Are Lying To Themselves About Trump’s Toxicity

Thankfully, just the opposite happened. While the rate of violent crime had increased steadily from the 1970s into the 1990s, it suddenly began to drop after 1993 and continued to decline for more than ten years. What could have happened in 1993 to precipitate such a sudden and prolonged drop in crime? Thats the year Congress passed the Assault Weapons Ban and the Brady Law, which mandated background checks and a waiting period to buy a gun.

Despite Republican predictions to the contrary, the Brady Law and the Assault Weapons Ban were followed by the most dramatic reduction in violent crime since the FBI started keeping statistics. The graphs below, based on the actual numbers from the FBI Uniform Crime Reports website, show how the rates of murder and violent crime in the US dropped suddenly after the 1993 Brady Law and Assault Weapons Ban were passed.

These charts show the rate of murder and violent crime over 35 years based on numbers from the FBI Uniform Crime reports.

Recommended Reading: How Many Republicans Voted For Obamacare In The Senate

Here Are A Few More Things Republicans Have Been Wrong About:

Republicans said that Obamacare would have death panels to decide who would live and who would die. Wrong. No such death panels were ever proposed and nothing of the kind ever happened.

They said the 2009 laws to improve automobile fuel efficiency standards would kill the US auto industry. Wrong. The new standards were followed by a resurgence of the US auto industry enabling them to hire back tens of thousands of workers.

They said environmental protection laws requiring companies to clean up their pollution would create an undue burden and kill businesses. Nope, it never happened.

They said Ebola would spread across the country because President Obama allowed American Ebola patients to be treated in the US. The outbreak never happened. Only three people contracted Ebola in the US and all three survived.

They said President Obama would open our borders to illegal immigrants. Wow, were they wrong about that. Under Obama, we set new records for most illegal immigrants stopped at the border and sent home.

They said Obama would drive up the Federal budget deficit. That didn’t happen. Obama cut the $1.4 trillion deficit he inherited by two-thirds.

While someone could no doubt find instances where Democrats engage in over-the-top rhetoric, nothing compares to the consistently false and erroneous claims made by the GOP in recent years. When a political party has been so dismally wrong about nearly everything over the past 30 years, that party should lose all credibility.

‘nothing There’: More Republicans Are Calling Out Trump’s Election Lies

WASHINGTON The more we learn about Donald Trumps baseless, false and discredited claims about the 2020 election, the more baseless, false and discredited those claims have become.

Just consider the revelations over the past week from Republicans:

In Michigan, a GOP-led investigation by its state Senate concluded that it found no evidence of widespread or systematic fraud in Michigans prosecution of the 2020 election.

Regarding Arizona, a report co-authored by former Kentucky Secretary of State Trey Grayson criticized the so-called audit of the election results in that state, saying it does not meet the standards of a proper election recount or audit, and that its being conducted by an inexperienced, unqualified contractor.

And over the weekend, ABCs Jon Karl writing for the Atlantic had former Trump Attorney General Bill Barr debunking Trumps claims about the 2020 election results. If there was evidence of fraud, I had no motive to suppress it. But my suspicion all the way along was that there was nothing there, Barr said. It was all bullsh!#.

Predictably, Trump lashed out at those GOP findings.

Michigan State Senators Mike Shirkey and Ed McBroom are doing everything possible to stop Voter Audits in order to hide the truth about November 3rd, the former president said in a statement, which even included those state senators phone numbers.

Even Bill Barr doesnt buy them.

Read Also: Who Won The House Republicans Or Democrats

Get Ready For Another Possible Crisis Like 2020

This is not the first time that Republicans have declared a Democratic president somehow illegitimate. They impeached Bill Clinton on flimsy grounds, after previously accusing him of crimes ranging up to murder; there was a widespread campaign to label Barack Obama an unlawful foreign-born president . These campaigns were effective: A 2019 poll found that 56 percent of Republicans still believed that Obama was born in Kenya.

Nor is this the first time Republican elites have ginned up suspicion of voter fraud for political purposes. After Republicans won a series of statehouse elections in 2010, they spent the next few years falsely claiming that voter fraud was a serious threat in order to pass voter ID laws that were nakedly designed to suppress the vote among Democratic-leaning minority groups. Research has found that, even prior to Trump, this convinced Republicans that voter fraud was a real problem when its exceptionally rare.

These earlier campaigns laid the intellectual groundwork for 2020. Republicans were already primed to believe elected Democrats were somehow illegitimate and to believe in widespread fraud in the American electoral system. Trumps innovation claiming that an entire presidential election result was fraudulent was pushing on an open door.

Paying Lower Taxes Hurts Taxpayers

Less revenue means fewer handouts. Thats bad news for Democrats who lie obsessively year after year about how tax revenue never gets the job done in distressed communities because we still arent spending enough.

Why is it that even when the party is in power, when Democrats call the shots every single year like they do in Illinois, the poor stay right where they are most valuable in poverty?

Recommended Reading: How Many Democrats And Republicans Are In The House

Times Republicans Were Wrong

It’s no secret that politicians tend to use exaggerated political rhetoric to get people to vote for them. In recent decades, Republicans have repeatedly made very ominous predictions about the horrors that will result from Democratic policies while painting a rosy picture of what will result from Republican policies. Now we have the luxury of looking back over the years to examine those predictions and policies. Below, you will find twenty-one examples of times Republicans were blatantly wrong.

Most Republicans Said That President Obama Should Be Impeached Because Of The 2012 Attack On The Us Consulate In Benghazi

Their own investigations, however, proved them wrong. Every Congressional inquiry, including those by the Republican-led House Intelligence Committee, concluded that the Obama administration did nothing wrong regarding Benghazi, that there was no stand down order given, and that neither the President nor anyone in his administration lied about it. Each and every Republican investigation has reached this same conclusion, but Republicans continue to exploit this tragedy for political gain.

You May Like: What 7 Republicans Voted To Impeach

Truth Matters Which Is Why I’m Telling It

I take comfort in knowing that I am doing the moral thing by telling the truth to my constituents.;I also;happen to believe;telling the truth;about;the 2020 election;is good politically.

If Republicans;become the party of the Big;Lie if we encourage this madness much longer we;will lose credibility with;the majority of;Americans on issues where I believe we have better ideas.;We will do;lasting damage to our republic.

True Republicans would never dream of wasting taxpayer money to hire an unknown cybersecurity firm with no elections auditing experience to audit an election that has;already been audited.;This is what the Arizona Senate is doing with their Cyber Ninja audit.

True Republicans would not;stand idly by while auditors paid with taxpayer dollars;chased;insane rumors that ballots were flown in from South Korea to change the outcome of the presidential race, or;that;secret watermarks;on the ballots;revealed by UV lights;would;expose fraud;once and for all.

This is what the Arizona Senate is doing with their Cyber Ninja audit.

Lies Damned Lies And The Truth About Joe Biden

Saagar Enjeti: Media Lets Biden SHAMELESSLY LIE About Hunter Bidens Business Dealings

Joe BidenKentucky state lawmakers vote to scrap school mask mandate Arkansas governor pushes back against Biden’s vaccine mandate RNC vows to sue over Biden vaccine, testing mandate MORE. I know him, said the House Speaker authoritatively, and that was that.

Does Bidens record warrant such confidence? Not really. In fact, Biden has a long history of lying about himself, about his past and about events that never took place.

Democrats want the 2020 campaign to be a referendum on President Trump. Fine, but if this is to be a contest of characters, it is only appropriate that Joe Bidens history of fabrication and deceit often intended to bolster his intellectual credentials also be fair game.

Over the past year, Biden thundered that the Obama administration didnt lock people up in cages. He also claimed that, Immediately, the moment started, I came out against it. And I was always labeled one of the most liberal members of Congress. Politicos rating of all three assertions? False.

No one should be surprised. Lest we forget

A video is making the rounds in which Biden boasts at a 1987 rally, “I went to law school on a full academic scholarship ended up in the top half of my class.”

Biden also maintained that he “graduated with three degrees from undergraduate school” and was the outstanding student in the political science department.

That commentary holds up well, as today more than ever Biden blunders into conversational crevasses, with no way out.

Also Check: Who Created Social Security Democrats Or Republicans

[star-and-the-motherverse]

Chapter 3 - Earth and the Lost Soul

The Butterfly Who Lost Her Wings

Word Count: 3981 | AO3 Mirror | Previous | Next

Summary: Marco returns to Earth and sets out to right a wrong.

✧·ﾟ: *✧·ﾟ:* ☾ *:·ﾟ✧*:·ﾟ✧

A rift in space opened up in the Diaz family’s living room. Marco emerged from it a second later, dimensional scissors in hand. He was exactly where he had intended to land, in the middle of his living room. But only when the portal had disappeared did he realize that he hadn’t fully thought that decision through.

His mother, Angie, immediately noticed his arrival from her standing place in the kitchen. “Marco, you’re home!”

A cold wave of dread washed over him as he caught sight of his mother’s unknowing smile. She threw her arms around him in a hug, but he was completely lost in his thoughts, dismayed by his realization. I’m going to have to be the one to break the news to everyone in Echo Creek…

“Welcome home.”

“Hi, mom.” Marco tried to politely excuse himself to his room, but Angie wasn’t about to let him go so easily.

“Did you get everything figured out with Star?” she asked, letting up on her grasp. “I know she didn’t leave on the best terms.”

He turned around slowly, opting to stare at the wall behind her instead of making eye contact. “Actually… can we talk about it later? I’m really tired.”

Unfortunately, Angie was smarter than that. “Is everything alright?”

“I’m tired,” he repeated. “I’m really, really tired.”

“Marco?” She could only repeat her son’s name as he turned his back and ascended the stairs without responding further. “Marco!”

He shut his bedroom door behind him, trying to listen through the door. When he was certain that his mother hadn’t followed him in an effort to demand answers, he slid down the wall to a seated position on the floor and sighed heavily, his exhaustion finally starting to catch up with him.

His phone in is pocket was being bombarded by incoming messages, now that he’d returned to a place with cell service. He remained there on the floor for several moments before he was able to convince himself to look through his notifications. There were a lot of unread messages from his friends, mostly Jackie. As he was attempting to read through them, he was bombarded by several new texts from Janna.

Janna: yo diaz

are u home yet?

u better answer me

Because of course Janna somehow knew that he was back on Earth. He supposed it really wasn’t all that surprising, once he thought about it. I’m not sure if I’m in the right headspace to put up with this right now…

Marco: Yeah I am, how did you know that?

Janna: not important

ur gf has been harassing me bc u werent responding

next time maybe give some notice before u disappear?

Guilt flooded over him. She had every right to be upset with him, as far as he was concerned. Everyone did. He was the one who left without notice, and aside from a parting message to Jackie—apparently she had still tried to contact him anyways—no one else in his immediate friend group had known where he was.

Marco: I’m really sorry

I didn’t mean to be gone as long as I was

Janna: save your sorries for your gf dude

u cant just disappear for a week w/o warning and pretend nothings changed. shes got every right to be mad if she is

i kinda do too, lucky for u im not the grudge holding type

did star come back with u or is she like staying on mewni or whatever

Marco collapsed backwards onto his bed, defeated. His phone fell out of his hand, currently of little concern to him, now that he was so lost in his thoughts. There’s just no escaping this, is there? Everything had always been about Star, and everything still was about Star. Just as suddenly as she had crashed into his life, she was gone, and there wasn’t a thing he could do about it. He couldn’t stop thinking about her, about how the last thing she’d thought to do before disappearing in that explosion was to apologize.

A piece of his world had went with her, and he couldn’t help but feel that he was somehow responsible. There had to have been warning signs, right? Should he have done something differently, or done something sooner? “I hate this,” he murmured aloud, burying his face in his hands. “I hate this…”

Star probably hates this, too, he admitted inwardly. She always did everything in her power to be a positive force in people’s lives. The last thing she’d want is for everyone who cared about her to be moping around. I really hope she knew what she was getting herself into…

He finally spared another glance at his phone.

Janna: ???

Marco: Sorry

I don’t know if I want to talk about it right now, if that’s ok

Janna: yeah sure

if things are awkward between u two now thats ur business, not mine

jackie isnt mad at you fr that btw

Marco: For what?

Janna: uh

at the party?

Oh, right, Marco grimaced. Just before she left for Mewni—and subsequently vanished—Star had confessed her feelings for him in front of everyone at their end-of-the-school-year celebration. Even now, he still couldn’t help but hold some resentment towards her for how hasty that decision of hers had been, especially when she knew he was dating Jackie.

It was almost like she knew that was the last time she’d ever see him, and that her true feelings had been a weight on her chest that she could no longer bear to keep bottled up.

And yet, at the same time, his resentment felt unfair. He had no way of knowing when these feelings of hers had actually emerged, but Star never stopped trying to help him get Jackie’s attention. Even once they were finally dating, Star still went out of her way to include both of them in her lives however she could. As much heartache as it likely caused her, she must have valued their friendship over everything else, if she was able to force herself to put up with it for such a long time.

Conflicted feelings about Star aside, he still had overwhelmingly negative memories associated with that party. He preferred to forget about it where possible.

Marco: Gee, thanks for that, Janna

I’d almost forced that party out of my recent memory, but now it’s back.

Janna: sorry lol

Marco: Why would Jackie be mad at me about that? Star having feelings for me doesn’t change anything

Just wondering why you think that

Janna: i dont, im just repeating what she told me

and she told me she wasnt mad at u, sooo

i dont think shes mad at all tbh? that was a week ago anyways

go talk to her urself dude, im no therapist

Marco: Alright

Thanks, Janna

Janna: no prob

Though he did feel a bit guilty for withholding the truth of the situation from Janna, he swore to himself that he’d be honest about what really happened as soon as he felt able to. Janna was a mixed bag, and even though they were friends—at least, I think we’re friends?—he had no idea how she was going to take the information. He wanted to give himself time to come to terms with it all before trying to explain it to his and Star’s friends.

He had some things he needed to take care of, first. There was someone that he needed to apologize to, more than anything. Hopefully she was home.

His door creaked open, and he slowly made his way back down the staircase. His mother looked up from the book she was reading on the couch, her eyes lighting up with concern. “Marco?”

“I’m gonna go see Jackie,” he said quietly.

“Okay…that’s okay.” Angie stood up and crossed the room to stand in front of him cautiously. “Just… if you need to talk, I’m here for you, sweetie.” She extended her arms in an offering for a hug.

“I know.” He accepted her gesture and rested his head on her shoulder. “I just need to talk to her first.”

He headed out to the garage. It didn’t take long for him to wheel his bike out of the garage and suit up. He never really felt like taking his bike out was all that notable. Nothing would compare to when he tried to teach Star a couple months back, but she—

No, stop it, he told himself, shaking his head as if it would help unscramble his thoughts in any way. Stop thinking about her.

He was sure that the last thing Jackie needed was for him to suddenly show up on her doorstep in tears, especially when he had already done such a terrible job of communicating with her during his impromptu trip to Mewni. His only message to her about the entire situation had been incredibly brief.

Marco: I’m going to Mewni to make sure Star is okay. It sounds like something bad is about to go down there. I’ll be back soon, I promise. Love you

If he could go back in time a week, he would have done a better job of explaining himself. But it’s too late to worry about it now. I just need to focus on the present.

Once he’d shut the garage behind him, he headed off in the direction of Jackie’s house. His gaze rarely lifted from the street, and he couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact with any neighbors that he passed, out of fear of encountering someone who’d ask questions or demand answers.

It almost felt like some of the color in his life had been leeched away. The only thing that didn’t look any more faded to him was the moon, which was painted a vibrant and shadowy red, slowly climbing its way out of the magenta-colored morning sky—wait, what?

Marco rubbed his eyes fervently in an effort to snap himself out of it, but it didn’t work. No, his fears were completely correct, and he found himself staring up at the Blood Moon, hovering behind the clouds. It wouldn’t be visible for much longer before it sank behind the trees, but the fact of the matter was that it was here. It was still here, lingering in the background like a silent menace. A shudder ran up his spine as he watched it, unable to look away.

The front wheel of his bike suddenly collided forcefully with the curb, threatening to launch him over the handlebars. Miraculously, he managed to plant a foot on the ground to prevent himself from landing in a heap. He let out a trembling exhale as he stared up at it with an intense gaze.

Okay. Why it’s here isn’t important. You’re here to see Jackie, he repeated in his mind, over and over in the hopes that it would stick. She’s worried about you. You haven’t spoken to her in a week. You need to apologize.

With one last fleeting glance at the moon, he backed his bike away from the curb and continued down the road towards Jackie’s house.

✧·ﾟ: *✧·ﾟ:* ♦ *:·ﾟ✧*:·ﾟ✧

“King River has returned.”

Moon’s gaze snapped up from the book on dimensional travel she had been scouring through. Even if she had publicly said that returning Star wasn’t first on her list of priorities, that didn’t mean that she was about to drop all of her efforts. As she viewed it, her status as as queen was an entirely different person from herself. Queen Butterfly was the one who would look after the kingdom, and Moon was going to find a way to contact her daughter. But hearing the news of her husband’s return reminded her that this situation was far too great in scale to look at it in such a black and white way.

“Is he alright?” she demanded, standing up.

The guard nodded. “He appears to be, yes.”

Moon let out a breath that she hadn’t realized she’d been holding in. “Thank goodness…”

She left her notes behind and quickly followed after the guard. It was a slightly unusual scene that she walked into, as there were several large eagles perched around the foyer. But her husband was there, too, and that was all that mattered to her in that moment.

“Moon-pie!” he exclaimed, his eyes lighting up at the sight of her. Their common formalities were forgotten as both of them rushed towards each other and met with a tight hug in the center of the room. “I’m so glad that you’ve returned safely.”

“And I you,” Moon murmured, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I didn’t know how much more of this I could take...”

He pulled back from the hug to hold her hands instead. “You know, you really had me worried, leaving so suddenly!”

“I’m so sorry,” she apologized.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, because I do! But if you and Star had to leave so quickly, it must have been serious...”

She’d sworn to herself that she wouldn’t cry, but her composure was betraying her. “I’m so sorry,” she repeated, her voice choking up on the last syllable.

River frowned in concern. “Did something happen?”

“I-I tried— but I didn’t— Star, s-she— I couldn’t...” River brought a hand up to cup her cheek, and she met his gaze with sad, watery eyes.

“Moon-pie?”

She lurched forwards and buried her face in his shoulder, holding him close as tears began to flow freely.

The few knights that were left in the room lowered their heads and excused themselves from the room, granting them both some privacy.

✧·ﾟ: *✧·ﾟ:* ☾ *:·ﾟ✧*:·ﾟ✧

After a very brief internal pep talk, Marco was finally able to convince himself to knock on Jackie’s door. As anxious as he was to see her, he tried to focus on the floor as he waited, in the hopes of not overthinking anything.

When the door finally opened and he was face to face with her for the first time in an incredibly long week, he felt a grin take shape on his face. “Hey, Jackie—“

“Marco!” She darted forwards and caught him in a tight hug. “God, I was so worried about you, doofus!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m the worst.”

“No you’re not,“ she argued, holding him tighter. “I saw your message… but I sort of hoped you brought your phone anyways, just in case.”

“I can’t exactly get cell service on Mewni. Earth phones don’t work there,” he reminded her, chuckling halfheartedly. She laughed too, and it managed to brighten his smile a little. There was something comforting and familiar about hearing her laugh.

“I know! I know, it’s just… you left without much of a warning at all. First Star, and then you… you guys really scared all of us.”

“I’m really sorry. I should’ve talked to you first. I didn’t mean to make you worry so much.”

“It’s okay, Marco. I know you didn’t mean to.”

A beat of silence passed as he tried to think of what to say and she patiently waited. Where do I even start?

“Do you think we can go sit down and talk about everything? It’s… a long story.”

“Yeah, of course!” She nodded and beckoned him through the door. “Come on in.”

He followed her upstairs—after a brief hello to her parents—and took a seat in her desk chair. She sat down criss-crossed on the foot of her bed and looked at him expectantly.

Jackie was the first one that dared to break the temporary pause. Her voice was cautious. “I take it that something bad happened?”

Marco was surprised by her forwardness. “W-what?”

“I can tell you have bad news, Marco. Well, either that, or something exhausting happened. I can see it in your face.”

“Oh, uh... yeah, your first guess was pretty on point.”

Jackie frowned sympathetically. “I may not know much about this Mewni stuff, but hey, I’m probably easier to vent at than a brick wall, right?” She leaned forwards and put her hands in her lap. “So lay it on me.”

“...How much do you want to hear?”

“Tell me as little or as much as you want to. If it’ll help you feel better, I want to hear it.”

But there’s so much that’s happened! “Gosh, where do I start?”

“The beginning, maybe?”

Marco nodded, and, taking a deep breath to try and calm himself, he began his story.

“Well... there’s always been a bunch of monsters from Mewni that kept coming after Star. Their leader was named Ludo. He wanted her wand, but him and his lackeys are pretty incompetent, so they never managed to take it. Not until this guy named Toffee came along.”

“Toffee? That’s a weird name…”

“Yeah, I don’t really understand Mewni’s naming conventions, either,” he laughed. “Maybe it’s a normal name there. I mean, to be fair, most of Star’s family is named after celestial bodies, so it’s probably not that weird.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s fair.”

“Anyways, Toffee kind of showed up out of nowhere, and we could tell that this was a lot more serious than what we were used to with Ludo.”

“You didn’t ask anyone for help?”

“Star’s not exactly the type to ask her parents for help, so no, we just kind of dealt with it ourselves.”

Jackie pursed her lip. “That sounds like a really bad idea.”

“In hindsight, yeah, definitely. We had no idea who this guy was.” Queen Butterfly made it sound like he’s pretty infamous, he remembered, silently wishing he had asked for more information on Toffee when he had the chance. “He’s the only one who ever managed to take the wand. He kidnapped me, and then he tricked Star into—“

“Excuse me?!” She interrupted, somewhat outraged. “You got— you can’t just gloss over that!”

“But this isn’t about me!” Marco protested. “I’m perfectly fine now, so it’s no big deal.”

“If you’re that calm about literally getting kidnapped, I’m not sure how comfortable I am with you going to Mewni all the time...”

“It’s not a regular thing, I promise!”

“Okay, okay,” she sighed in defeat. “Fine. What happened there? Besides the whole hostage-taking thing.”

“He used me as blackmail to make Star destroy the wand.”

“I thought you said he wanted to take it?”

“That’s what we thought, initially,” Marco admitted. “He had Star use this really weird spell that set it off like a bomb. The whole castle blew up, Toffee included. We thought it killed him, but… well, it obviously didn’t. He came back.”

Jackie furrowed her brow, thinking for several moments. “Not to insult your storytelling or anything, but I’m really lost.”

“Yeah, I’m, uh... kind of skipping over a lot. Sorry.”

“It’s okay... I know there’s a lot to go over, probably.” She glances around her room once before an idea came to her. “Wait! What was up with the night of the school dance? In the graveyard, when that weird little bird dude showed up.”

“That’s Ludo,” Marco explained briefly. “Long story short... when Star tried to destroy the wand, it actually split it in two. Star kept the first half, and Ludo had the other one. That night in particular was when he stole the spellbook from Star.”

“What does that Toffee guy have to do with this?”

Marco tried to recall as much as he could about the days prior to Star’s disappearance, but the fact of the matter was that he hardly knew anything about Toffee’s involvement with the whole situation. There was obviously a lot more to it, far beyond his own knowledge.

“That spell Star used must have put him inside of the wand. For some reason, she used it again, and she got caught in the blast that time...” He took a pause, having a hard time thinking about those that few moments before she disappeared. “Toffee got out. Wherever the spell put him, it put her in his place. I think that might have been his plan all along.”

He was leaving out a lot of the details—he could tell from the slideshow of emotions on Jackie’s face that she knew his explanation wasn’t quite lining up—but frankly, he could hardly make sense of it, either. Even if he had visited Mewni several times now, everything about it and its magic was otherworldly.  He couldn’t imagine how crazy it sounded to someone who had never even been there.

It wasn’t that unlike the Neverzone, in that way, though Mewni was certainly a lot less intense. A few things had stuck with him once he left—mostly learned skills, like how to drive a dragoncycle or wield a katana—but all the rest of his memories of that place had faded in a matter of weeks. He supposed it was time shenanigans of some sort, but it was still weird to him that he had acquired these skills when he didn’t remember practicing them at all.

Jackie had remained silent, mulling over his words. In the temporary break in conversation, Marco went on, saying, “Apparently this guy has been involved with Star’s family in the past, but I don’t really know how.”

Finally, she spoke up, offering an idea of her own. “Can’t someone use the same spell, or something? Anything at all?”

Marco shook his head. “I don’t think it’s that simple. The wand seems to be broken for good now, and I think that’s the only way to get to where she is.” He stared at the floor as he was reminded of just how dire this situation was. “She’s trapped in a dimension that no one can get to, and… I can’t tell if that’s worse.”

Jackie immediately dipped her head in understanding, and her sadness was apparent on her face. “Gosh, this really sucks.”

“That’s a heck of an understatement.”

“You were there when this happened? I can’t imagine how hard that was.”

He nodded once, averting his gaze from her when he felt his eyes begin to tear up again. “It should be so easy, but it’s not… everything that could have possibly gone wrong did go wrong.”

Despite his efforts to hide it, Jackie was quick to notice his defensiveness. “Hey... come here.”

He hesitated for several second before finding the energy to move. When he got up, she stood as well and met him halfway in a hug.

“I-if I had known that was the last conversation I was going to get to have with her,” Marco mumbled, his voice never rising above a whisper, “I, I wouldn’t have just let her leave without—“

Wordlessly, Jackie pulled him in tighter, resting her head against his shoulder. “I know,” she murmured. “I’m so sorry.” Marco could tell from her tone of voice that she was upset, even if she wasn’t really showing it in the same way he was.

In that moment, he felt awful for subjecting her to all of it. She and Star knew each other, of course—it was hard for anyone not to be charmed by Star’s infectious personality—but he wasn’t sure if him dumping all of the information on her without warning was a fair way to relay it. I hope she doesn’t feel guilty about what happened.

Nobody should have felt responsible. Not Jackie, not Janna, not Marco. It felt awful to admit it, but Star had been a victim of bad circumstance, and that was all. It wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t supposed to be a mind reader.

A shudder went up his spine. But why do I feel so guilty?

“I’m so glad you’re here, Jackie,” he said, attempting to redirect his thoughts.

“And I’m glad you’re back,” she replied. “I’m so happy that you’re safe.”

At least he didn’t have to wake up for school tomorrow. That was something he didn’t think he could manage.

[blue-eyedangel21]

I’m sorry..

So I wrote a whole essay yesterday only for tumblr to be really stupid and I lost it. Anyways, I came to write out my feelings and my thoughts before being done with this tumblr.  I've mentioned this tumblr to you before and you didn't care enough to even look at it for yourself. So I'm sure me typing all this is a huge waste of time but its worth losing this amount of time to let out everything I need to, to move on. It's time I put this all in my past. So we tried again recently.  And I fucked it up. Because that's all I've been doing for years now.  I'm really sorry, truly, for how i behaved and lashed out on you. It's not okay how I handled that situation.  But I have told people time and time again that I am NOT doing well mentally or emotionally. And I was not kidding nor exaggerating, as you had to find out the hard way. I did try to calm myself down when I was mad and said how I felt and what I thought at first in the most calm way I knew how then you proceeded to be an asshole and talk to me sideways. So I lost my shit. You had the opportunity to see my ugly"asshole" side.  You say I can't handle yours  when I dealt with it for a year, but you couldn't handle mine after ONE time of lashing out on you. I did NOT ghost you. I told you in the voice clip, that I was done. YOU said you weren't listening to it. So therefore it was your fault that you didn't know i was done. Your fault that you didn't take the time to hear what I had to say and went around saying I ghosted you. In that moment of anger, I was done with you. But of course like always after my anger and feelings have calmed down, I felt like shit and regretted how I behaved and the stupid decisions I make when I'm upset. So in all of that out of control emotion, I lost you. And IT IS MY FAULT. And yes I do regret it. But what is done is done. I admitted to being the problem.  But im not all of what was wrong in that relationship.  You too had issues of your own that you did not hold yourself accountable for. And I dont find it fair that I had no problem admitting I was the issue and holding myself accountable for that and my behavior. However I rarely ever heard you own up to your shit. So I'm not taking all the blame but I can take most of it because some of it was me too and not just you. But I bet you are okay with me taking the blame for all of it. The constant leaving you was not because I wanted to but because of how you made me feel. Yet I felt like I couldn't live with you, I also couldn't live without you. And that was the confusing part. Why i probably kept going back and forth. I never felt this way about anyone . I never felt like I couldn't live with them but I couldn't live without them either. You have disrespected me many times and I bit my tongue and said nothing. My whole life I've been around drama and bullshit and narcissistic abuse.. so I dont know how to be confrontational in a healthy way or how to communicate effectively without feeling like im always the problem or im wrong or my feelings are wrong. And etc. It's hard to explain but a lot of that has to do with what I had to deal with growing up and still somewhat dealing with it as an adult. So im trying to break myself from bad, unhealthy, toxic behaviors and habits. So thats why im still doing and reacting the way i am. I am 25 years old and still dealing with that shit, its not part of my past yet, but it will be. So thats just explaining why I'm like this, not excusing it.  So the times I left were mostly YOUR fault. But you also left at least  2 times too..so it isn't all me. Every time I would for sure leave you alone, youd come running back. Just when I thought I could move on here you were. And sometimes I was the one running back. Like I said i was confused. But im not running back this time. I'm not gonna reach out to you. I dont hate you nor do I love you any less. I still love you with all of my heart and that hasn't changed nor will it ever even if that has changed for you because of how I've hurt you. But for me this is speaking my truth. And thsts the truth. I'm sorry that i threw everything we were trying to build together, in the garbage over an argument and because of my emotions and my mental health being so terrible. If I could go back and change that I would but we are better off going our separate ways. I'm sorrh I had to block you but I had to block Sierra too. I do not appreciate her posts. Feel what she may but what I wrote was honest and wasn't just about you but about others I've hurt along the way. You are not the only one. I don't care that she feels that way or if she doesn't like me anymore. She's not in my shoes nor are you, to understand or try to understand. I already admitted to being the issue so if she didn't like what I posted on my fb she could've just deleted and blocked me. But instead of reacting in a bad way i deleted and blocked her because i dont need negativity when im trying to heal and move on. I dont need her judgmentYou sent19 minutes agoNor do I need yours. You are always gonna see me as the bad guy and that's fine. But im no longer looking at myself that way. I'm seeing a woman who is trying to break herself from toxic ways and toxic behavior but is struggling to do it while also going through a lot of shit. Im flawed just like you..I'm not perfect. Not even close to it. I've been understanding and patient and always trying to see your perspective and its never really been a two ways street with you. You expect that from me but don't expect to give it back. And I'm tired of that. Been tired of that. I put it in alot of effort to make shit work when I was trying to fix things but I got tired, Bee. I didn't take you seriously because every time I tried to i didnt feel like you were taking it seriously enough to change your ways and your lifestyle. I wanted you to work so you had an income to better yourself and your future and also to help tatianna with Julian. As a single mom it is hard to take care of a kid by yourself and I wanted you to try to help her financially at least.  And not only a job but to stop drinking because I don't want you to end up in a coffin at such a young age. And to leave behind your son. How fair is that to Julian?  I love you, bee. I never want anything bad to happen to you even if you don't believe that. You're the only one who doesn't see how much i love you or how bad you have had an emotional toll on me. For some reason you're blinded by all of that. You say i didn't love you but if i hadn't I would've been done with you the very first time we broke up in November . But no I fell hard for you and put a lot of effort and love into us only for us to fall apart. So.. I hope you know i wanted a family with you too. I wanted to wake up next to you and my daughter,  and one day maybe. Not just my daughter. But a child of our own. With big blue eyes and curly hair.. that looked like you. I wanted a lil boy that looked like you with my eyes and hair and your face.  I wanted that more than i could tell you. I never could tell you that because i got embarrassed.  But I wanted that, with you. Not anyone else and now i feel like that I don't want another relationship.  Nor do i want to even bother starting over with someone else and feeling like this again. I don't even care anymore. Im so drained and exhausted. You were the love of my life. I fucked it up and now the bed I made, I have to lay in. So yeah you get the satisfaction of knowing I'm hurting and regretting what I did. But I get the satisfaction of never allowing myself to make this mistake again with another person and to focus on my issues with myself so I don't bring this kind of baggage and problems into my future relationships.  So maybe it's for the better that we move on. Maybe one day you can forgive me  enough to not hate me and maybe if I'm lucky enough to at least call you my friend.  I loved you like I've never loved anyone and it is hard to write without crying but I know that sometimes life is pain and heartbreak and that if we were ever meant to be than maybe somewhere down the road we could rekindle a friendship or more but maybe the timing is off and you were my right person but wrong time. . Maybe you'll come back...maybe you won't but please know you had my heart like no others. I felt that in my soul.  I felt it when I looked at you. When I thought about you. When i talked about you. When I looked in your eyes. When you smiled or laughed. When you were doing whatever and I was just staring at you. With every kiss. Every moment in your arms. When you were sleeping so peacefully.  When you were being you, I felt like i was home and I cant tell you the last time i felt that way. It was when my grandma was alive. So to find someone who was even close to feeling like home is a serious misfortune to lose like this. And losing you and this relationship will be a grieving process for me. I had to lose the one thing that brought me happiness, wholeness and love. So I'm heartbroken it has come to this because of my actions. But I love you Bee. Please take care of yourself.

[felidfavs]

*vibrates in irritated* spend all day at work, dealing with clients who dont understand that clay, is like, mud, and dough, and MOVES, and when u ship it, it doesnt stay perfect, that when clay freezes, its physical composition is DESTROYED, then as soon as u touch it u alter it

+ that when ur doing a very very picky process with such picky mediums that have such a high fail rate u GOTTA standardize the processing, and its going to have to be altered to make those processes possible-

not to mention when u have a massive inventory to get thru in a timely manner, and u cant AFFORD failures because ur workin with originals that CANNOT be made-as-originals again and can only be replicated

that maybe, maybe, it wont look the 100% the same, with every line of fur, after its been flattened from the slop heap the vet gave us, smoothed and detailed, cleaned and cleaned again and coated in paints and scraped and glazed etc etc etc. it might be, slightly generalized, from the original. because it has to be. 

u know. as if we arent all pet owners and poor artists who unDERSTAND this is an expensive product, a one of a kind, likely the last thing your loved one has ever touched, that if we dont fix ever air pocket a careless vet or that freezing has caused it could explode and we might not be able to replicate it if its bad enough, as if we dont understand that each unique trait of your pet is important to you, and that balancing that with fixing the damage shipping or vets have caused is super fucking important

as if we dont get lectured every fucking other shift for the unavoidable human error of a production line in such a hands on super finicky process and how as much as its unavoidable we CANT fuck up

and THEN, after spending all day at this very intense, emotionally taxing, highly attentive to detail, job, in a pandemic, where im a key staff member, with family in healthcare. 

i come home and im trying to support an artist who i care about and tell them to raise their pricing, im typing staggered because im fucking tired, and some asshole butts in about affordability and i, like a dumbass ofc, say something about how its a luxury good and when u cant afford luxuries ofc u arent gunna get expensive art and they fucking OF COURSE, take it in the “poor people dont deserve fun” way, and i just. fuck you man. fuck you for taking it there. like yea, i shouldnt have worded it that way or hit enter in the chat so soon without really typing away but fuck man. like, just. im so fucking annoyed. 

obviously i dont believe that. i dont fucking MAKE ART in the FIELD I PUT MYSELF MASSIVELY IN DEBT FOR, because i cant fucking JUSTIFY SPENDING MONEY ON IT, because ceramics CANT FUCKING AFFORD ITSELF. because people refuse to pay enough, and IG GET IT, BECAUSE I ALSO CANT PAY THAT MUCH, SO I DONT FUCKING MAKE IT. 

i literally gave the artist i was talking to like fucking. 25$ the other day. cause i was worried about them giving away art so much and just, doing too much. and then anouther 25 to another of them in that chat because they are young and stupid and overworking themselves and i care. i am many grand in debt, and giving away money, and u want to come at me for fucking ACCESSIBILITY OF ART AND AFFORDABILITY AND SHIT? i fucking give away my art all the time to people because I KNOW ITS EXPENSIVE. 

but no, asking for commissions, which are a DEAL between a person and an artist granting them their skills to create SPECIFICALLY FOR THEM to be priced fairly is just TOO MUCH

on top of u know. asking for people to maybe, maybe respect artists a tiny bit and not repost their work. 

on top of, u kno, every fucking artist i know right now PANICKING and having to like, hold suicide support groups essentially because all our incomes are FUCKED because we cant go to cons and shit right now, and because were self employed we have NO safety net

but ya know. 25 bucks for a full shaded full body is reasonable!! poor people deserve specialized individualized one on ones with artists!!!!!!!!! they are entiteld to affordable art!!!!

its not like artists arent breaking their fucking bodies and minds trying to put out enough art to stay on top of algorithms just to get ANY notice so ANYONE will pay them enough for them to have a fucking sandwich maybe

its not like we are running our own social media, finances, assets, shipping, etc etc, and not being paid for it. 

dealing with people stealing our art and reposting it, or sharing it and saying “not mine!! :)” as if that fucking helps with the fact we need to get surgery on our wrists and eyes and drugs for our chemical imbalances 

literally want to set fucking fire to the art industry and burn it to the ground and tell everyone who hasnt invested their life in the arts to just go suck it because they cant even BOTHER listening to us for 5 fuckign seconds

the god damn fucking disrespect i cant

[hedgewolf-hunters]

Diamond hunt

Bane: This is one of my recent ventures only about a year old. Here we go.

Deep in the ancient Castle Blackstone on the fourth floor in the old library a small figure flies around quickly. A baby chao with dragon like wings, horns and two small fangs is holding a scroll in its nub like hands as it searches the aisles of each book case. Lined with more knowledge of this world and others, magic of both light and dark, and countless tellings of history, plays, stories, legends and more. The Chao spots its target and flies full force at them. He raises the scroll in a sword stroke type manner and swings downward. The target in question is a five foot tall crimson furred wolf with two abnormally long hedgehog spines on his back, two quills curled like rams horns, two like dragon horns, and the two center quills being normal. They have a white stripe down their top center quill and a black stripe down each of their ram quills. They are wearing open legged jeans and steel hiking boots with fingerless steel plated leather gloves. A large double helix claymore sword stands next to them leaning on the table the Hedgewolf is resting their legs on. He is holding a book in one hand and blocks the incoming scroll with one of his own.

"Heh sorry little Toth but you need to be quicker than that if you want to land a hit on me." The Hedgewolf says. He closes the book and turns to the baby chao, grinning as he looks at the chao with his sky blue eyes, a dark blue stripe under each eye. Toth the baby chao says two quick chao's and than pulls the scroll away to swing again. The Hedgewolf chuckles blocking the swings at the last possible second playing with Toth. They both are smiling as they play fight through the library aisles.

A ringing from the Hedgewolf pocket gets his attention long enough for Toth to land a hit.

"Ow! Heh ok ok you win little one." The Hedgewolf chuckles putting up a hand to strop the swatting. Toth chao's happily and successfully before tucking the scroll into a cubby hole in the book case next to them and flying to sit on top of the Hedgewolf head. The headgewolf smiles as he reaches up and pets Toth as he fishes a crystal from out of his pocket. He taps it with his thumb twice and it hovers over his palm prodcing a hologram as it spins.

"Hey you reached Bane Darkos, what can i do for you?" Bane asks as the hologram reveals a mole with glasses on.

"Ah yes, hello my name is Oswald i have contacted you through your bounty hunter contacts here in Gradius." The mole Oswald says.

"Whats the job then?" Bane asks picking up the yawning Torh from his head and walking out of the aisle into the main floor of the library. He carries Toth out of the library and down to the kitchen.

"Their has been a recent string of robberies in many of my jewlery shops. I have contacted the police but they have yet to even fully begin an investigation. I heard you do odd jobs as a bounty hunter and was wondering if you would be so kind as to come and capture the theif." Oswald explains as Bane walks down eight flights of stairs.

Setting Toth down on a cushion bed that Bane placed all over the castle for him, he goes and begins rummaging through the fridge for a drink.

"Well considering Gradius is known to have to odd robbery every now and then thanks to your cities main professions. No offense of course." Bane says grabbing a non alcoholic malt liquor and pops the top off with his thumb.

"Well that is the issue, this past two weeks it has only been my shop and my diamond mine that have been targeted." Oswald says as Bane takes a drink.

"Well, that is rather interesting. But why not hire a local hunter than, you do know my prices for being hired personally is steeper than any local you could find." Bane says taking another drink.

"You come more recommended. Not to mention no one will take the job because the theif has a tendency to avoid almost all security measures they put into place. Almost as if they were a ghost. Please Mr Bane, im losing buisness, ive been robbed six times and cant afford to many more." Oswald says. Bane thinks for a second than sighs putting down the empty bottle.

"Wire the pre determined amount of money to my account on the hunters list. Ill be there in a few hours." Bane says tapping the stone to cut the connection. He pockets the stone and picks up Toth. Walking out the door of the castle he whistles and the doors shut and a lock appears over the door. He leans forward and his spines extend and grow out. Wings begin to sprout as the spine unfold from the bottom out.

"Time for a little flight Toth. Hold on tight." He whsipers to the dozing chao. Toth snuggles into the warm chest fur and Banes hand. He smiles and lifts off before turning east to the town and his family grill.

Two hours later after Bane has dropped Toth off with his family he finally sees the mountains of Gradius. He sighs in relief rolling his shoulders.

"You know if you cant fly for this long without aches you won't make it past your prime." A feminine voice says to Bane. He grunts as he passes over the highest peak.

"If you'd just ask for lessons I would gladly show you how to keep loose while flying." She says. He grumbles as he angles down towards the city coming into view.

"Are you still mad about me hitting on that minx back in Primous?" The voice asks.

"Well no shit Drain. You know that anything you do while in control i count as me doing as well. Jeez i know your hornier than a horned toad but keep your robe on when we switch." Bane growls out before landing with a loud crash.

"Fine lover boy. I'll keep your pants on next time. Alright keep me posted if you need any powerups." Drain says before the noise in Bane's head goes silent. He stands up and dusts himself off from the impact debris. While the cloud still covers him he extends his hand downward and grips at the air. Slowly a light grows from his palm and the helix blade he had left at the library appeared in his hand along with a holster across his back. His wings fold in as he climbs from the crater with the blade in its holster.

"Ah Mr. Bane! So glad you could join us on such short notice." Oswald says from the back of a crowd of echidnas, porcupines, moles, groundhogs and insectoids. The short greying mole slowly forces his way through the crowd to stand in front of bane. He moves his glasses to dissolve any glare from the sun as he looks up at the three foot taller hedgewolf.

"Point me to the scene and I'll set up." Bane says rotating his shoulders and neck. Oswald nods and walks back through the crowd that quickly seperates for Bane.

Three hours later the sun has set the moon was full and Bane sits atop a building over looking the jewelry shop. The shop has been robbed everyday after the mine. The mine was robbed the day before so Bane decided to watch the shop.

"Hyleia you sensing anything?" He asks. The blade shimmers slightly and a pulsating rainbow orb appears.

"Not yet my young king. But the night has only just begun." A new feminie voice says from the orb.

"Ugh stop with the King stuff. I told you when i became your wielder i had no intention of ever taking the throne. Not as a monarch or figure head." Bane says through gritted teeth.

"Can you blame me Bane? You remind me so much of King Sickle. He had no machinations of becoming a ruler with his mate. But look how that turned out eh." She says with a slight giggle to her voice. A second giggle breaks in to the conversation.

"Oh thats one story you will have to tell me in detail Hyleia." Drain says

"Hey have your girl talk some other time please. We got company." Bane says looking down at the shop. Four cloaked figures walk up to the shop window. Bane watches as they look around and pull out a gemstone each. He grins and sits up placing his feet on the ledge and holding it with one hand to balance himself. He watches as the four of them walk through the wall.

"Ahh so high grade spells like that is how the manged to get through the others traps." Bane says taking a deep breath and closing his eyes.

"Drain we need to change my sight. Chaos energy tracking would be prefered." Bane says. He feels the inside of his skull burn some as his sight is changed.

"Ok kiddo give it a try now." Drain says as she stops the burning sensation in his head. Opening his eyes Bane looks back down at the shop. He sees the four trails of the figures entering the shop and that they are still rummaging around inside. Grinning Bane jumps up and lands on a closer building. Waiting for twenty minutes Bane watches as they finally leave the shop with what seems to be quite a haul.

"Finally i was getting impatient." Bane grumbles to himself cocking his head to size the four of them up. The four of them tuck the stones away in their cloaks as they keep the bags out in the open. They quickly start running off to the outskirts of the city where abandoned buildings line every other street. Bane keeps at least three buildings between them so they dont spot him as he follows their trail.

They stop at the farthest edge of town and head into what looks like a condemned house. Signs of demolition and to stand clear litter the lawn and fence surrounding it. The four theives check to make sure they werent followed and head inside the same why they broke into the shop.

"Drain reset vision. I got our targets inside an abandoned building with walls of spells leaking energy." Bane says closing his eyes once more. He feels a quick burning sensation and when he opens his eyes the world is back to as it should be. Bane leaps from the roof he was mounted on and lands on the street across from the supposedly abandoned house leaving a sizable crack in the concrete. He walks towards the house gripping Hyleia's pommel, he sniffs and smells the gunpowder of the bombs lining the inside of the fence. He chuckles as he hops over the fence to avoid triggering the bombs.

"These guys where smat enough to set of early warning systems in case they were ever followed. Hyleia could you be a dear and scout the inside? I doubt that its only four in their now." Bane whispers before pulling the sword from his back and pressing it gently flat against the door. A quick shimmer from the sword and the outside of the house pulses. Bane closes his eyes one more time to see what Hyleia sees.

Inside the house the house the second story is barren and in no way livable. The first floor on the other hand is in fairly well condition. A functional living room and dining room along with chairs a brand new eighty five inch screen and a small trail from a hole in one of the fours bags. Following it to the basement Bane finds where they are hiding most of the time. Eight creatures in total three wolves, a fox, two cats and two hawks.

"Well this is quite a haul tonight Trigger. You guys spot anyone at the scene this time?" The female Hawk asks. A grey timberwolf shakes his head.

"Its odd really. The old fart has been hiring bounty hunters for security for the last six days. But tonight, not a soul. The security measures were in place as usual but no one to try and fight or capture us inside this time." The grey wolf says.

"That is odd but not unwelcome." The male hawk says. The female nods and points to an empty corner.

"Stack todays loot there and ill start counting it once i get some food in me." The female hawk says. Bane smirks as he opens his eyes and takes Hyleia off the door. He knocks as hard as possible to make sure they can hear him down in the basment.

"Well their goes the element of surprise." Drain says.

"Oh dont act like you wanted to do this like an assassin. You'd have burst through every trap they set here to make your presence known." Bane whispers.

"You...have a fair point actually. Glad to see you do like listening to my stories when you nap." Drain says. Bane snorts as he holds Hyleia's gemstone as he waits for an answer.

"You know they're probably chewing each other out and gathering guns right?" Drain says

"Probably. But then again what good would they do if i have control of the gun powder." Bane says. Both girls in his head chuckle as he listens and hears them trying to tiptoe up the stairs and silently load their weapons. Bane whistles and the blue marks under his eyes glow quickly.

"You guys are making me wait way to long for this. Ive got a baby to get back to by day break. So you have two options here guys. Turn yourselves into me and you'll be asleep peacefully for the next ten hours. Or fight and have me put you all into a week long coma. Your choice." Bane says out loud once he hears all eight of them arguing on the other side.

"You forgot the third choice." The grey wolf says. Bane sighs and lifts Hyleia forehand position and slices through the door. As oon as the door falls Bane steps through as all eight take aim and pull the triggers. Bane gives them a minute as they all try to fire on him.

"You kids done playing with your toys?" Bane asks. The wolves growl and jump at Bane in frustration. He looks un impressed as he side steps them at the last second sending one out into the yard to roll in the grss and stop centimeters from the bomb trap. The other two crash into the door frame and whine holding their bleeding muzzles. Bane moves Hyleia in single motion around his body blocking a stab with a knife to his back. Two more try to get him with the butts of their unusable guns. He uses his arm to block the butts and pushes the attackers back. With his reflexes he reaches for the fox that tried getting him in the back again aiming for a sweet spot. And a green aura quickly flows from the fox into Bane. He slams the foxes head into a wall before tossing the unconscious fox into the living room. Bane jumps back some as a cross bow bolt flies past his stomach. He glances at the male hawk holding the cross bow.

"Smart little birdie." Bane whsipers as he blocks another with Hyleia and pushes off towards the hawk. He catches a thrid bolt an inch from his eye as he goes over and behind the hawk and uses the flat of the blade to knock the wind from him and into a wall. Bane rushes again at the downed hawk and holds his head in his palm. Again the green energy flows from the hawk to Bane before he tosses him onto the fox in the living room. The two wolves with bleeding noses rush Bane and onslaught him with punches and kicks. He sheaths Hyleia with one hand and blocks some of their blows with his other. Once sheathed he closes his fists and pushes the wolves off of him. He growls as he pushes towards them both. Getting down on all fours Bane shifts his forward momentum to his legs and does an improvised axe kick. The wolves seperate as Bane leaves two large holes where the wolves were. They both manage to block a fist from Bane but are unable to stop him from pushing them into each other. Their skulls meet and Bane palms both of their heads quickly draining them of energy. He tosses them onto the pile.

"Four down and four to go!" Bane exclaims into the house. A throwing star flies past Banes eye just missing it. He glances in the direction to finally see one of the cats getting in on the fight. Bane growls and sidesteps as the third wolf tries again to sneak attack Bane. This time though Bane doesnt let him just fly off again. Bane knees the wolf in the gut to halt the forward momentum and than in almost the same motion round house kicks the wolf at the cat who cant jump away in time and gets knocked to the floor. Before they can react Bane pounces on them and slams their heads into the floor as he drains their energy. He adds them to the pile as well.

"Alright ladies this is your last chance. Give up peacefully and youll only be out for a couple of hours." Bane says down into the basement. He hears them talk it over for a couple of minutes. Than nothing as they start coming up the stairs.

Bane waits patiently as he keeps his eyes to the basement opening. Slowly but surely the two females come out of the basment. Ones wearing an over coat as well as the other. They have their hands up in surrender as they approach Bane. Then the cat begins to run for the door. Bane flings Hyleia at the door completly blocking the exit as the hawk tries to grab Bane around the throat and activate something under her coat.

"You know I was raised to give ladies the right to choose and to be chivalrous. But i was also taught that if they do not accept these traits than I should just not try to push it or in this case." Bane says reaching over his shoulder and grabbing the hawks head.

"Do what needs to be done. Being honest here, i really, REALLY, hate to harm women, even if they are trying to kill me so someone can escape." Bane says as the hawk passes out in his hand and he adds her to the pile. He cracks his neck and walks towards the cat who is on the floor cowering. Bane touches her head with a finger and soon she is passed out on the floor. Reaching in his pocket Bane sighs and leans against the wall. He pulls out a crystal amd double taps it to start it up. A dog in a police officer uniform appears on the hologram.

"Hey, i got eight unconscious here that need a pick up. Bring cuffs and contact Mr Oswald, tell him i found his stolen goods." Bane says to the officer who salutes before hanging up. Bane pulls Hyleia from the doorway and puts her back in the sheath.

Bane: Suffice it to say that job was actually pretty easy. Than again I am not so well known to be outside the forest so its understandable why that bunch had no idea who i was. But i got paid a little bonus. Something i plain to hold on to till the moments right. For anyone curious what it is ask in DM. Im not such an idiot to reveal what it is to the public in the open. But i hope you enjoyed the adventure. Now im off to help build a book fort.

[aheartyouonceknew]

The Love that nearly destroyed me.

This is a detailed account of my experience of my love with a blogger and ex fiance, this is my story.

 (please forgive any grammatical errors)

A bit of back story, i met her through a family member. When we first met were attracted to each other almost instantly. We drove to Vegas and saw all the casino's and had a blast. As time went on we both grew even more attracted to each other and before the end of the first night we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. On the second night we are getting ready to go out and I am looking in the mirror and I jokingly tease 'would you date me? Id date me' while doing a silly flex.  

'what are you gay or something?' She asks me.

'I say no im 100% sure im straight but I have made out with guys before and realised it wasn’t for me.'

She goes wide eyed and freezes up. I ask her what's wrong, but she refuses to look at me or even touch me. I then realised she actually may be homophobic, and I tell her im not gay. She is stone cold. I then realised she as a practicing Christian, that this was a big no no for her.

I tell her that’s all in the past, and that I am comfortable with who I am. She refuses to speak to me or look at me, so i give up and I leave the room upset. 

Later that night after dinner, I see her again, she tells me not to talk about it again and we should just forget about it. We have a blast in Vegas, get very drunk. We have this amazing connection and attraction towards her. Sadly the trip had to end but we both decide to meet again.

A couple of days later i meet in her home town in a motel, met her little one and it was fantastic. That same night i get a message from my ex gf asking how my trip was. She glares at me, demanding to know who I was talking to. I panic and casually tell her 'just an old friend.' She demands to know who it is and asks me for my phone. I oblige, she tgen scrolls and see's old texts of my ex and i.

She flips out.

Bare in mind this was less then a week of knowing each other. I didn’t even get a chance to delete my Tinder (to which she saw). I tried to explain to her that this was all moving so fast and I hadnt had the time to sort all these things or even consider them at the time.

So we are in the motel room and she flips out, grabbing her things and is ready to leave. Im on my knee's telling her im sorry etc. She looks at me and asks me what I am willing to do to be with her. I say anything. She says 'ok delete and create a new facebook'.

Im shocked, over 10 years of memories and family photos? Gone?

I tell her I cant do that cause those were too sentimental.

She then decides she wants me to block and delete any female friends I had a relationship sexual or non sexual, she then demands I delete my Snapchat and Instagram accounts. I obliged.

The next thing I regret doing so the most, is to my ex gf of mine.

She tells me to message her, and tell her that I don’t ever want to talk to her ever again (within those terms). I did so, and I felt like a scumbag for hurting thst poor girl that did nothing ill towards me.

After a long hours talk of me asking for forgiveness, we make up.

A week later she decides to bring herself and her little one to my mums house to feel how we are together. My dream is to be a father and I would love her child like my own. 

So we are at the house and it was the most perfect week of my life, it was bliss and I knew I wanted this. After the week ended I then realised I had one week left. We were both devastated as I had to fly back to Bali to work for my dad. I then wanted to prove my commitment to her (because I was in love with her at the time) .

So that night I went into my backyard while she was in the living room and dressed up in a black suit and lit an array of candles in my back yard.  I messaged her to come out, and I was standing there, she smiled beautifully and kept laughing, I grabbed her by the had and said, 'I may not have much right now, so I cant give you a ring. But what I can give you is a promise that I want to share my life with you.' I then turned to her little one and gave a solem vow to protect her and care for her as my own. 

The next day we contact her parents, and they are shocked and scared. Everything is happening so quickly, too quickly they say. But after a long talk, the father and mother gave me their blessing. I promised to take care of their daughter and gave them my word. Lots of tears of joy were shed. 

The day arrives when I have to leave, I take the plane back and meet my dad and step mum. I told my dad that I was engaged and he gives me this sour look, 'you only knew her for less then a month, what do you know of love?'.

My dad had promised me work to build echo friendly villas, to which he promised me a stable income in which I could provide for her and her little one when they were here. 

What my dad didn’t tell me was that a deal he had fell through, and that the money that was supposed to come in to build the resort wont be available so the resort building is postponed.  He tells me I can work for him as a manager, but will only pay me when the business starts to take off and I show my worth.  

I am furious.

I had this whole plan that I was relying on my dad, I believed in him to keep his word. Now that it had fell through not only did I feel like I lied to her but her family as well. I asked my dad would it be ok if she was welcome to come live here? 

 He said of course, I'll support her in any way I can. So I talked to my Fiance and she asks 'will he buy us the tickets?As I already spent hundreds of dollars on passports and luggage.'

 I tell her he said any way he can.

 I then have a conference call with my dad and fiance. My fiance asks when can he book the tickets for the trip?

I never said that he says.

He explains when he will support her anyway he can means when she gets here with her own money. (take in mind I left my old job in australia and have $0 to my name) So another lie in her eyes and to her family.

 I talk to my dad and I tell him, if she cant be here then Im going back to the US, he says ok. ‘If you really love her I'll pay for your ticket’. I tell her about me going back, she asks if there is anything I can do to make some money?  I tell her I have my camera and gopros that I could sell. She says 'good sell them' I hesitate, the camera's have sentimental value as they were the first gift my dad ever sent me. She then takes my hesitation as a message of unloyalty. She then yells abuse at me over and over, repeating my faults and telling her of her willingness to sacrifice everything. (to which I understand).

 I then promise her to sell the cameras to get my tickets to the US as my dad has proven unreliable. But I hold back from selling the camera's, I don’t tell her about this as I am hoping my dad will follow through.

That night my dad is upset at me for coming here and giving up on the family for '' some chick in the US''. I felt torn on both ends, but I do love my fiance and I will fight for her. He tells me if that’s the case then I ill receive no support from him. 

 Later that night I responded to all the well wishes of the engagement, an old french high school friend (who is a lesbian) contacted me. I say thank you beautiful as I nickname her beautiful as I have always done. I then get a phone call of my fiance yelling at me saying I shouldn’t compliment any girl, and that I should be her main focus. I try to explain my reasoning but she wouldn’t listen so again I apologies and accept defeat.

 A couple of days go by and my fiance asks if I had posted the cameras, I said not yet but I am doing so now. More hurled abuse, more fighting. I post the camera's and get terrible prices for them that would barely get me to the US.

 Later that night my fiance calls me up, she is so happy. My mum and her have decided to pitch in to get me here, and that I can sell the camera's in the US for a better price. And that it would be best if we move to Australia together and when I get settled I can pay her and my mum back for the ticket.

But there was a catch,

I have to leave the next night. My fiance urges me to tell my dad of me leaving but I don’t. I hold off in telling my dad at the last second as he had my passport in holding, I feared he would refuse to give me my passport and not let me leave.

When i finally have the passport in my hands i decode to break the news to him.

He is devastated.

I then feel sorry for him and I give him one of my best go pro's to use for his surfing and that he can pay me whatever feels right. So later that night I fly to the US.

Once I arrived, we finally met. She decided to stay at my mothers house while my mother was in paris on a holiday, it would just be me and her.  

It was as if a day had not gone by, the same feelings arose and all was well. I took care of her little one by changing the diapers, feeding, and playing. I was in bliss, I wanted to prove to her and show her I could do this. One thing that I never told her was I did feel a lot of shame how I left things with my dad, and I was quite upset, but I put on a smile whenever I could. Later that day i get a message from my dad and found out my dad decided to just pay me $100 ¼ of what the camera was worth, i kind of minded on the sale being so cheap.  

She also was not happy, she yells at me, demanding that I pay her the money I owe her by selling the camera's. The next day I successfully sell part of my camera sets and pay her back and she is happy.

 One day I am feeling very horny, I tease her and I am extra affectionate towards her. I tell her she is beautiful and does this to me and that I am so lucky to have a girl like her. As the day goes by I am still like a dog on heat. She leads me to the bed room. I get super excited and playful, she then pushes me away and says 'im going to masturbate now.'  Im like 'awesome sure let me help'.

‘No, I dont want you touching me but we can masturbate side by side’.

At first I thought she was joking, but at the same time I am extremely hurt.

I think to myself...

 'Did I do anything wrong?'

'Is she still attracted to me?'

So I am visibly upset I get up and put my clothes on and leave the room.  After about 20 minutes she comes out and I am still upset at her.  I tell her Im just going to lie down for a bit, she lays next to me and asks if im ok and apologises for not wanting to sleep with me as she wasnt feeling well. I then tell her don’t worry about it, I'll get over it.  I then jokingly told her that I kinda went to lie down so I could masturbate as I needed to release myself.

 She then leaves the room. I then emerge from the room relaxed and satisfied. She is scowling at me packing her bags.... She is furious that I decided to masturbate and demanded if I masturbated to other girls or to porn? 

I am in disbelief as I felt like there were some double standards.  It’s the hotel room all over again, I beg for her not to leave, but she decides to stay.

 *Just a note, I respect a women's choice to refuse sex to a man if she doesn’t feel like it. But I cant help to feel upset.*

 A couple of days go by my mother returns from paris and she goes back to her home town. We both plan on me visiting her family and me staying at her dads or sisters house while there. Unfortunately they both said they couldn’t house me.  She then asks to sell the rest of the gear so I could rent a motel for us to stay. I agree. After the phone call i talk to my mum and tell her everything, my mum says that its only fair i pay her back as well, since i did so with Carolyn.

Yet again I am at a crossroads, but I made a promise to pay my mother back so I agreed to pay my mum. I told my fiance that I will still be seeing her but I would only stay for during the day as I cant afford the motel. She is furious, 'what about the money from the camera gear?' I try to explain to her. But she refuses to listen. Yelling above my voice not giving me a chance to speak she tells me not to come, and that she is sick of the empty promises I never fulfil.  She removes our engagement status and blocks me on all forms of social media.

 I am devastated, im a heaping sobbing mess to my mum. I love her I really do....I cry. I decided to accept things as they were, so I decided to install Tinder (more to which to heal my wounds and insecurities of being dumped). With the app installed im staring at the swipe screen, and I just cant do it. So I uninstall the app.

 I decided to heal the bridges I destroyed and contacted my old ex. I call her just telling her i was sorry for what I had said/done. 

 'You really hurt me, you really really hurt me' she cried. I cried.

 'But I forgive you, because I don’t believe in holding onto hate.' I cry again.

  After the talk I felt better that she accepted my apology, but sad knowing things may never be as they were. But it felt good to hear her laugh again.

Later that night I was trying to relax when I get a phone call. 

Its my now ex fiance. 

 I ask her what does she want? She then tells me she didn’t feel like things ended correctly and wanted to make things right. I had enough 

Correctly? None of this has ended correctly. I yell.

 I tell her that the real reason she is calling is to mask this guilt, I told her I did my best with the cards I was dealt but it was never enough. But to know I at least tried and never gave up on her. The real person who is given up is you. 

 I then hung up. (and yes that was dramatic as it was in the heat of the moment).

 She calls me back, and I ask her. Do you really love me?  Yes shes tells me. My heart ache's.

I then tell her that i love her and that I will see her tomorrow to have a real talk.

 The next day I take the train to see her, she hops out of the uber and is skipping towards me in a joyful mood. Im cold and numb by this point, i have an emotional barrier up. She hugs me, kissing my arm etc.  

'Lets talk.'

We go into the café and sit across from each other in an awkward silence.  I tell her I am doing the best I can, and that I believe once I am in control of my own life in Australia we can finally have a normal life. She tells me she loves me and wants that too. She wants things to work, and I really felt like she does.  We make up and everything is perfect again, but then she stops and has this smile...Like she is looking forward to something. 

She then asks, 'Did you install Tinder?' 

 I am completely caught off guard and blurt out 'no', as I uninstalled the app. She pulls out the phone in this satisfied smile and ask 'then whats this?' Showing my tinder profile.

 I tell her that yes, i installed it but never used it. 

 'have you been talking to any other girls on social media?'

 I decided to tell the truth.

‘Yes, my ex...but only to sa-’,She then gets up and leaves

 'if your talking to her again why don’t you just be with her.' And she walks out.

 And that’s when I felt like I was done, emotionally just done.

A couple weeks have gone by, and she's moved on.

 Although I do look her up from time to time, I am glad that she is happy, I decided to tell this story because I felt like this is part of my healing process. I really did love her. But i dont think she ever loved me.

 I felt like she loved the idea of me being a father role, but never really loved me.

 She is a hypocrite in most cases on her stances towards men, but that is her reality. I respect her beliefs and her views to empower women but at the same time its contradictory, I dont judge her on her stance towards homosexuality or if religious views.

 I moved my life for a love that never deserved or appreciated me, the control factor is scary. The mind games of her holding onto that tinder info waiting to use it on me like a loaded gun showed me she enjoys the control over men. 

 But don’t get me wrong, this poor girl has been through so much and I understand her distrust towards men (its why I put up with everything). At the same time I do feel sorry for her because of the men in her past has left her broken, its the sad fact of one persons crazy is another persons reality. 

If any of you that read this, that has suffered from emotional abuse please dont  hesitate to reach out.

[swampgallows]

ive been taught to want romance but im not sure if i actually do want it. ive been taught to be feminine and feel only as if i consistently fail at it, even if i were to ever want it. but i was also raised by a woman who actively shunned these things out of her own shit self-esteem or used any aspect of me and my sister’s desirability or femininity to put herself down, so wanting to go clothes shopping or to wear makeup or to have mother-daughter outings became “why must you directly hurt your mother”

ive been single for over five years but i dont want to flirt or date and dont know if i desire romance, but i feel like i am a failure if i do not have it. i will fail at attempting femininity because i dont want it, but failing at it still makes me feel like i have to prove myself.

i have a lot of cool outfits i never get to wear anymore, and now im too big for some of them. i have wasted years of my life sitting in my room in my pajamas feeling too afraid of being seen. i have wasted so much of my youth locking myself away for fear of not being good enough.

i was crying last night to my mom because i said i feel guilty about not being more productive. the meeting with jnco went well and i have pretty high hopes, but it made me realize i dont have a place to host a professional portfolio. i just have a tumblr blog. then i realized my art needs to be pushed a lot further if i want to be a professional, or even pass as one. i dont know if i want to do anything, but i’m going to need to. i need money and i need to be able to start supporting myself, but i feel like even if i try it will be impossible in this economy. regardless, i was crying about my guilt and saying that i feel terrible that dad has been supporting me this long and i dont have much to show for it, and all she said was “not to make this about me, but...” and then proceeded to make the conversation about her, and how she hasn’t had an income in ten years, and “your father works so hard to support us”, and how im supposed to not feel guilty. she just says like ‘dont worry about it’.

i cant explain why this fucking hurts me so much. part of me feels like my parents either dont want me to be successful, or they dont care. my mom just says “youre concentrating on your art, it’s fine” and my dad just says “do you have any shares of the company? are you making any money?” even though it was only our first meeting to introduce ourselves and see if the guy was legit. my parents contradict each other so i dont know how to feel.

it’s easy for my mom to say not to worry and that it doesn’t matter; she’s not the one slaving away 7 days a week. i want my dad to be able to retire, but i cant even support myself, let alone him and me. even when i was working i wasn’t making enough to pay rent -anywhere-. i didnt even have to pay for transportation at my job.

i know i’ll have big expenses coming up. i think this temp crown will need a root canal after all, but either way i need it seriously looked at. and if i get my wisdom teeth out, that’s another few grand out of my savings. im holding off as long as i can on getting the wisdom teeth out, due to both the expense and out of fear. they rarely bother me but i know two are impacted and the other two are crooked and have decay, so they should come out. i’m so tired of my soft shitty teeth. my brother and sister have zero cavities, but i have my dad’s soft enamel and BOTH of my parents’ bruxism.

i’m just sick of being useless and im sick of my dad suffering

[tipsyexplorer]

12.22.21

hmmm well that didn't feel great

like a sinking feeling in my chest, knotted up immediately

or just instant tightness, maybe thats anxiety or just built up tension fro previous encounters/interactions

like why are you here then. I know why I'm keeping you around because if not then you'll have nothing? is that dramatic, you'll def need to move out and prob move back home and thats not where youd like to be, maybe you could stay with your friends for a little, they'll tend to your wounds and talk bad about me - which I guess it's what you do. What bothers me really is that they wouldn't get the truth

the unfairness of not getting the truth of the story to paint me in a bad light, but I suppose in the long run does it matter what they think?

will you tell them how patient I've been or all the things I've done for you, how I literally just pay for everyone, cook every meal while I watch you buy gadgets and gizmos. and you know, in the beginning I was okay with it because I liked spending time with you, I felt like I could talk to you about things

and now we dont even have that. its hard talking to you. its unrewarding, i feel like everytime we talk were just on a verge of a fight. i get scared and anxious about it and I dont want to do it it anymore. I send you things and you dont respond, so I wont send you things. when I text you its only logistical stuff and even then it takes you a long time to respond, like I know youre up?? unless you're napping or sleeping again then I guess you can't but like...get up and do things?

i'm just not happy and Ive written something like this letter over and over again , but never got the courage to share it with you. and honestly I will probably just delete this afterwards because onec I talk about it I think I'll be okay for a little while until the next interaction. isnt there a line about how its dumb doing the same thing expecting new results or something.

Ive given up on including you in things, I'll ask and 9/10 you say no. I dont like working with you, making things with you, or talking to you. its just too stressful, and maybe its just our history we haven't worked out or made some sort of ammends with but literally each time I try I just get flashbasck of emotions of how bad it was, doesnt make me want to

I mean this time this was just triggered by me saying "I had a weird dream" which I usually never say and you just said "uh huh" and walked out of the room...like cool I guess I wont bring that up again

there are so many more people out there that provide me with a more fulfilling relationship and it just stinks that the one Im supposed to have the deepest one makes me feel the worst

you know what I imagine? I imagine what its like to not have someone to hold me back, to not have to take care of another person and just focus on me and do what I want to do without the fear of judgement. Its not like i dont want to share the side of content creating with another person, and yeah I guess if it's too much then I should tlak to others who have the same goals and dreams as I do. I do see it working for other couples but they probably talk

and maybe you feel the same way, were just not emotionally compatible and neither of us wants to admit it. I dont want to deal w/ a flal out and you probably dont want to leave. and thats what makes me sad bc of what I provide you cant leave eveyrthing is just bearable enough or that the literal shelter and food I provide will have you endure whatever youre missing on the other parts

so im the one who has to call it, do I just call it? seems like it would be a good practice to see if i could work it out, see if I could formulate these thoughts by talking things out and list exactly what i want

I want you to find a stable job/income

I am tired of footing the financialbill, when it wasn't discussed. I feel like a fool to have this happen when I didn't agree to it

I want you to help out with food more, maybe even make some of them

I want you to plan an event or outing for us to go to heck maybe even once every 3 months, as of right now its been nothing. for the past 4?5? years

I want us to be able to even talk, I dont know how it got this bad where I just feel like I cant share anything with you or I dont want to

youre not the easiest person to talk to

to work things out with, I just go with things to keep the peace and thats just my inclination. I dont want to deal with these hard emotions and I know I will be fine at the end I always am

it shouldnt feel like I'm trapped or I'm must stuck with someone, it just feels like I cant reach my hightest potential with you here. I know I can do so much more

[transrightsjimin]

same rant as usual abt being sad abt the world and wanting to help but feeling too messed up to get anything done, but also undeserving of feeling bad nd tired when theres so many ways i could get out of this shit way easier than ppl who r in a less privileged position, so the only way to get out of this is to change myself but if theres one thing tht scares me to the bone it is the thought of ME as a person CHANGING in a way tht would make me less me, even though the current ‘me‘ is boring myself out and holding myself back from getting better mentally

started to cry nd ranted to my friend again at almost midnight bc im again / still so fucking tired of not doing enough to contribute to helping the world become a better place nd i want to know more abt what actually happens around here and i feel bad for mainly listening + talking to a diversity of friends and mutuals online, but it doesnt reflect so much in the more select amout nd mainly white ppl im friends w in this country, despite this city being so diverse like ??? what happened here? but dont want to befriend ppl as token poc or anything, rather it’s just frustrating tht it feels like the way i position myself to other ppl is too closed off nd not allowing growth? i feel the need to get to know more ppl bc g od whenever i listened to a dutch antiracist podcast and whatnot, reality rly hits me how social so many people are, who went outside nd do a lot of social stuff w others nd r just so in the know on news and whatnot and im just. standing still. not learning enough nd not reaching out.

nd i have to read more into leftist theory before even joining any collective but im also VERY bad at handling any sort of discussions or confrontation, like i just shut down / get irritated / start crying from stress if ppl disagree w one another (irl at least) or there’s tension in the air and then i ultimately end up leaving a social group every time, so how the fuck would i even endure being in an activist / political group :SSS

so my friend adviced me to first 1. work on my mental health, specifically first get in a better situation where i have more structure nd liveable income nd thus less stress nd more energy nd clarity, nd also to 2. work on trying to deal better w stressful situations nd my continuous panicking / crying through therapy. that latter idea never even came up to me bc whenever i cried at therapy, they were super empathetic and praised me for crying nd being so open nd clear abt my feelings instead of concealing them. i don’t like crying all the fucking time as an instant reaction, but bc apparently these doctors nd therapists find it healthy it was fine? but it rly is an issue i worry abt now, like crying at work nd when talking abt work or my (lack of) skills nd whatnot is not something strange to me at all, so this can rly be something that can withold me from getting a job. like i need a job to get better but i need to get better to get a job. nd figure out all these fucking things before i could ever possibly potentially join a radical organization and god i cant stop crying but i have to try to get more longterm therapy to deal w this instant sadness or being upset at the slighted things nd that never occurred to me bc it was commonly encouraged by my therapists who r much more used to patients / clients being the opposite?

[anislandintime]

I think to quit and exit is the only way left, the only way out.

Life has let me down again and each time when I have told myself it cant be worse than this, life has taken it up as a challenge and proven me wrong. Things have been just getting worse and worse. It feels like life is just laughing at me. I feel ridiculed by life.

When GF came to meet SB, it felt so nice. She had taken a bus during the pandemic travelling for 15-16 hrs just to meet him. They were meeting for the first time. Her plan was to stay for a week but ended up staying for three weeks. They had a good time. When she arrived SB told her that he decided to give their relationship a chance only after I suggested him to give it a chance and let his guards down. Both thanked me greatly. Well, while I am happy for them, I dont understand why things had to just go wrong for me in the relationship I pursued in a similar fashion?

UB came to stay with us for a night when K’s roommate’s parents were in town. That night over a long conversation he mentioned of how J’s toxic friendship had affected him deeply and its impact was seen in eroded ability to trust and connect with people. All of this, he said, changed only when K came into his life.

Life, please tell me why do you give solution and liberation to all except me? I am unable to tell how the narcissistic abuse of ND has crippled me from within. I neither get a healing touch nor do I find a shoulder to cry on. Worse, I dont even find words to explain what is happening to me. I continue to suffer in silence with absolutely no hope of recovering ever.

UB also got the job, that I too had applied for. I was instrumental in him finally getting into this stream. Now he has gotten the job I am desperately in need of. He too was aiming for it. But given his cultural capital he could have opted for another job and he had the luxury to stretch his hand and leg in those directions, which I clearly dont have. But he wants a life of comfort. Hence he is seeking this one. It is isnt crime to seek comfort. But what is a life of comfort and ease for him is my hope for a sustainable life for I do not have the cultural capital to reach out to anything else. I think I am going to be bankrupt soon, with no job in hand and no projects coming my way.

SG texted saying she and ID are getting married next month. When I saw the text, I literally jumped off my seat and gave a punch in the air. I can never forget how SG had wept uncontrollably by the sea one evening recollecting how her extended family had beaten her, her parents and her sisters when they found out that her eldest sister was dating a Christian. The memories of it haunted her every time she thought of telling her parents about ID. But now, she says her parents and sister are fully supportive of her and she doesnt care what the extended family thinks. She sounded very happy and I am happy for her.

Such news make me unbelievably happy. But at night when I finally switch off all the lights and try going to sleep... There is only one question which comes down like a lightening and strikes me hard. WHY DOESNT ANYTHING GOOD HAPPEN TO ME EVER? WHY LOVE IS SO ELUSIVE? WHY PROFESSIONAL SUCCESS OR SUCCESS IN RELATIONSHIP PERPETUALLY ABSENT IN MY LIFE?

Mother is unwell. Father is unwell. The times when Mother was hospitalized drained me out completely. I dont know how will I manage all this, with no support- physically and even emotionally- and also with no income. To add to these, my own mental health is collapsing. The severe damage caused by ND’s narcissistic abuse has made me perpetually nervous, anxious and also feel perpetually threatened. By what, from whom- no clarity. But I constantly feel I am under threat and I am about to be attacked. I feel severely insecure and unsafe. The abuse has left me in a state where I am unable to trust anyone and I feel disconnect from everything and everyone. All of these has made it difficult for me to even speak of what I am going through, to friends or even to strangers. I cant trust anyone anymore. I feel uneasy throughout. Is this what they call as PTSD? I dont know. What did I do to deserve all these? All I did was love this girl and see only goodness in her. And it turns out that she only abused me, manipulated me, exploited me and even without me realizing it, fractured my soul and destroyed me. She even had the audacity to repeatedly text me asking how my mother is doing. Wonder where she got to know about it from. I wouldnt be surprised if AN was the source of news for her. That idiot of a friend who took pleasure in turning my pain, my suffering into a spectacle- something to derive entertainment from! How foolish of me to have trusted him for so long as a friend! Was it him or was it AG? I dont know. I dont know who to trust anymore. Why did ND repeatedly text me? Even call me! She also sent a mail. I did not bother replying to the texts or even the mail. Did not answer the calls. I did not want to have any form of communication with her, especially after that accusatory mail she sent when I shared with her a paper, which I thought would be useful to her. She made it sound like I was being intrusive and pushy and also unwelcome. Later she doesnt mind repeatedly texting me, calling me. Had I called or even texted her, she would have brought down the sky screaming and shouting and unleashing violence on me. But when she does it, it is to be perceived as an act of kindness and concern. Even if it is done just so that she can convince herself that she is kind and concerned and not because she actually has any concern. What a performative life she leads; where she lies to herself and believes in her own lies! She is more interested in coming across as  a good human than becoming a good human. When I did not reply to her texts or mails and when I did not answer her calls, she made AS- her friend- call me, text me. When his father was unwell earlier in the year, I used to check up on his father’s health condition often and also extend my moral support to him. And he chooses to become a ‘flying monkey’ to a narcissist? Or may be he doesnt know of the ways in which his friend caused hurt and wound to me and the core of my being. I abruptly ended the conversation when he called me from an unknown number. I did not return the call as I promised. He texted me later on. I replied to it after a day or two. He doesnt bother replying to that. But then ND calls me. I dont know why after some days I felt I was holding grudge like ND does and in order to be not like ND, I decided to reply to her mail and I did. She doesnt bother to reply to that. Probably she was satisfied knowing that the person who she wronged and damaged, doesnt mind replying to her; which helps her showcase the world and make herself believe that she isnt a bad person and more importantly she has control over the people she has abused also. So no reply. She persistently called and texted to make herself believe that she is not ignored, not neglected. Once she gets to know that the other person, though wronged and hurt by her, still writes back to her, she is more than happy; her ego is boosted and she goes back to her silence, her way of showing her power and her control. She constantly says how abusive her father is. I dont know him but from whatever I know of him through her, I must say that if at all he endorses his way of being, then he must be super proud of her daughter for she has outsmarted him in becoming abusive, toxic, exploitative and harmful. If at all ND rejects her father’s ways of being, then she must also be disgusted by herself and must not forgive herself ever because she has been no less to her father in being abusive, toxic and exploitative. I replied to her mail not because I wanted to strike a conversation but because I did not want to become like her. So, I also wrote her a mail after few days when TV news spoke of floods in her ancestral town.  Immediately she texted me on WhatsApp, in an extremely friendly tone. I replied to that in a cold tone because I did not know how she would react. When I replied in a friendly manner to her query about my mother’s health, she went silent. When I had earlier replied elaborately to her mail spelling out how SN had plagiarized her thoughts, my long mail expressing solidarity and offering understanding was responded to with silence and later an accusatory mail! Even when in July she called wanting to clear things and sort things, when I spelled out what hurt me, she not just swung sword of words at me but also made it sound like I was the one causing hurt and told me that her therapist had advised her to stay away from me, as if I was the one hurting her! Any way, after telling me that she wants to disconnect from me, she texted me within an hour asking if she can check on me once in a while. When I responded to that in a friendly manner, saying we should probably together meet a therapist as suggested by her, she replied in an extremely hurtful way and arrogant way saying her ONLY problem in life was me! After that she blocked me on WhatsApp. Every time I have tried to be friendly with her she only attacks and accuses. Her constant flips and backflips are mindfucking and toxic. I dont know how to deal with her, nor do I know how to heal from the aftereffects of the trauma she caused... and also, I dont know how to deal with the love and compassion I still have for her somewhere deep inside of me. I hate myself for this.

Life, please be kind to me and end your relation with me this very night. I do not wish to wake up tomorrow morning. Please leave me. I wont hold you accountable at the door of death. But I beg you, please let me die and leave me. I am done. I am tired. All I sought in my entire life was some genuine love and some real deep connections. Even that was not made available to me, even if in a small percentage. I certainly deserved a better life. But it is okay, I wont complain. Now, I want to take the exit door and leave. I am tired. This pain, this loneliness, this suffering... all are just unbearable now. Death, please do not be like life. Please embrace me. Hold me in your arms and take me with you. Tonight.