#i could tell you about how my adhd makes it very hard to get motivation unless im helping people and improving their lives measurably

[butchlifeguard]

seems like you want to be a doctor for the wrong reasons… it shouldn’t be about being able to be “pretentious” someday

this is a one piece blog

[avelera]

Headcanon: ADHD Hob and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

So I went down the rabbithole on ADHD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria (and found this lecture that legit made me tear up if you have or think you have ADHD, go listen to it here) and it got me thinking, as everything is wont to do, about Hob Gadling and how if he had ADHD, which I think there's lots of fun in-text hints at that at least allow that interpretation, what are some other ways that could manifest besides his ebullient and never-ending love of life in all its endless variety?

So as sufferers of ADHD know, it's not all fun and games. The flip side of living with a dopamine-starved brain that's always seeking out new experiences and seeing the world through that lens is that other emotions slam us hard too, like rejection sensitivity dysphoria aka, "the most minor criticism can feel like an actual knife in the chest, no I don't mean mildly bummed out, I mean full on fight-or-flight brain meltdown because someone told you a comma is in the wrong place in your manuscript (not that I'm speaking from personal experience yes it's that dumb)".

ANYWAY, so I'm thinking about Hob and RSD and specifically 1789.

Specifically the line, "It's just how it's done," referring to horrific practice of human trafficking and how Hob basically shrugs while, to his minor credit, looking suddenly uncomfortable and guilty, about the fact he actively profits from this industry, and the way he cringes in on himself when called out kinda seems to indicate that he knows it's a vile practice and isn't super comfortable with being reminded of his fact by someone he respects, like Dream.

A couple notes on that little exchange between Hob and Dream:

1 ) The face Ferdinand Kingsley-as-Hob makes in that moment is absolute textbook adult ADHD rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Namely, the point where you know criticism hits you like a knife in the heart, particularly from people you respect, and you just have to cover that flinch of literal physical pain with a careful poker face.

The way Hob's tone suddenly goes cold and with his very genteel, received-pronunciation manners he levels Dream with perhaps the closest he's ever come at this point to lashing out, "You're giving me advice...?"

I'm not saying that canonically it's RSD, or that neurotypical people don't suffer pain and disappointment when receiving disapproval, but to my eyes at least, Ferdie Hob takes Dream's comment very seriously, much more so than the comic counterpart did (who needed multiple nudges before he even realized what Dream was trying to tell him about getting out of the shipping business and still seemed a bit clueless about why Dream would want that or care by the end).

2 ) Going into proper headcanon territory, I personally chart Hob's journey from destitute to wealthy slave trader as the product of someone who stopped giving a shit about others after everything he suffered in the 1600s. To be perfectly clear, this is not a fucking excuse for it, it's an examination of motives.

Because technically, after everything Hob suffered in the 1600s, he could have emerged with more empathy for the plight of others. But clearly that didn't happen. From an entirely human motivation level, that leads me personally to the conclusion that since no one helped Hob when he was at his lowest (not even Dream, though I dearly wish it was otherwise and wrote extensively on what would have happened if he had) that led him to the belief, put simply, that fuck the world so long as he got his. Why should he care about anyone else if no one cared about him?

But to go back to the topic of this essay, RSD, there's an additional element to that theory on why and how Hob leaned into not giving a shit about others, and that missing factor from what's described above is the element of everyone is doing it. Specifically worded as, "It's just how it's done."

Another really fascinating lecture I listened to on ADHD talked about how the most common trauma reaction ADHDers have to their sense of rejection, shame, and guilt that comes the way our brains react to the world is by hiding. And that also got me thinking about 1789 Hob in this context.

Because Hob as we see him in 1589 is loud in his happiness. He's sitting there, bold as brass in the middle of the White Horse, showing off his wealth with a banquet, loudly declaiming about how he pretended to be his own son twice, worked in the Tudor shipyards (what would have been 50+ years before) and just how he spent the last 100 years working his way up to his knighthood. The man does not have an ounce of caution in him. But, he is also by far the happiest we ever see Hob (up until Dream ditches him in the middle of their date).

This is important because to my eyes, Hob is living openly and unashamed and with only the barest hint of caution typified by pretending to be his own son every couple decades. The way he describes his last 100 years sounds like an ADHD dream, basically getting a boat load of money from Caxton's printing press (basically the first tech startup unicorn of the modern era) and then running around wherever his interests took him where he also made money hand over fist, kept climbing, and eventually reached the point where he could purchase the acclaim and regard of a member of the (albeit minor) nobility. All of this after being born a peasant. That's just validation and money and prestige and getting to pursue your special interest and live as your authentic self all over the place. And I do mean authentic, Hob doesn't even seem particularly worried about talking openly in the White Horse about being 200+ years old, a strong case could be made that he's not that careful in his personal life either.

So anyway, Hob has this amazing century literally followed by the worst century imaginable, filled with the sort of horrors that can tear a man's soul asunder. Losing his family, his beloved wife in childbirth with their new baby, his adult son, his home, his money, everything he spent a century building. His title and name are gone too because of the nature of how he lost it with the accusation of witch craft, which also means he can't just fake being his own son again to get it all back because they're explicitly going to notice that this time.

And how did this all happen? Because Hob got noticed. He lived there 40 years, overconfident is his own words. Which is a wild thing to say about a bunch of witch hunters showing up at his door! He blames himself for being drowned as a witch. On the one hand, I imagine he has to think that way because otherwise he has to admit to the sheer brutal randomness of life, so in a way he's trying to take control of the narrative by blaming himself.

But it also smacks of ADHD again because ADHDers very commonly shift the blame onto themselves after years of their unique nervous system response making them a round peg in a square hole of wider society. We learn over and over that the mistakes we make are our fault, because of "laziness" or "apathy" which isn't apathy at all but deep agony over our inability to accomplish tasks in a neurotypical way without the support we need, but I digress. But it sure sounds like Hob may have been paralyzed by grief for literal decades and then blamed himself for not getting the mental spoons together in that context to move on and reinvent his life after losing his wife and child. Which would be a very ADHD thing to do.

So after this absolutely brutal smackdown by reality for living too openly, too loud, too ADHD, getting paralyzed by the powerful emotions he felt (if we follow the headcanon) over the grief and loss in his life, what is Hob's next step?

Hiding.

Blending in.

Not rocking the boat.

And again, not excusing it, there's plenty of other industries he could have gone into to blend in that didn't involve human trafficking. That said, if he went to sea, which we know Hob did on many occasions from the comic, it would be seen by his peers there at sea as a normal way to make one's fortune, and then.... well, we have as evidence that this is his current peer-group the sort-of pride with which Hob announces how he's making his fortune these days in the "shipping business", as if he's expecting Dream's approval.

That to me, reads a bit like the people pleaser/social chameleon aspect of ADHD. Hob is expecting to be praised for being successful by Dream the way he would likely be praised by his peers in the shipping business or among the wealthy privileged men of England. He's so steeped in that world now that he's clearly taken aback when Dream takes the (at the time more radical but not uncommon) stance of, "This is wrong."

And Hob knew it. But he was blending in. He was going along with how things are done. He wasn't rocking the boat. He has other hints at trauma responses too, "salting money around the world" in case there's political upheaval, for example. This is not the loud, boisterous Sir Robert Gadlen untouched by loss or trauma. He has been humbled and tempered and, indeed, made afraid by what happened to him.

This sort of wild swing towards protectiveness? Again, also ADHD. As the lecturer I linked first noted, ADHDers are textbook defenders. They are always defending themselves from the world that can suddenly, unexpectedly, plant a knife in their heart because of a perceived rejection. From a world that wants their brain to work in a way it doesn't, so they have to come up with myriad painful coping mechanisms to fit in, blend in, mask, and function. Hob was forced to protect himself after the 1600s, so he did, with money, and with not caring about other people, and with insulating himself from privilege, and becoming a social chameleon.

1589 Hob tries to earn back Dream's interest, but he doesn't fawn. Dream shows interest in Shaxberd and Hob, already starting to get irritated, tells him no, Shaxberd is crap.

And you can tell in 1789 that Hob is thinking about that day again when he gets Dream's disapproval, because who does he reference? That lad, Will Shaxberd. He's fearing rejection and abandonment again, or at least it's crossed his mind after Dream's admonishment. But this time, Hob is fawning more, very nearly flirting. He's trying to play the game better this time, trying to keep Dream's interest, social chameleoning the subject onto safer topics, things he thinks will interest Dream, as Shaxberd so clearly did, so let's talk about him if that's what you care about. Again, another ADHD social chameleon, people pleaser aspect. We are nervous empaths, we are constantly picking up a bazillion signals both real and imagined. And we're so fucking terrified of that RSD knife in the heart, we become people pleasers to avoid it. After the shipping business brag fell through, Hob pivots to talking about Dream and what, in his experience, Dream seems to like and talk about favorably.

So anyway, many many ADHD-esque rambling words later, there's a few more little details I'd add to the list of "possible ADHD behavior, not just the fun parts" for Hob Gadling. Is it canon? Maybe not. But it does make for a great headcanon, in my opinion.

[urlocalnonbinarybastardwrites]

Hiii! So, I'm kinda nervous to try but I wanna try the whole matchmaking thing for DC if you don't mind?

So, I'm 5'1, have shoulder length fluffy black hair, I have brownish yellow skin, have a scar above my left eyebrow from some stitches I got there, and dark-ish brown eyes.

I'd say I'm an energetic person, but at the same time have almost no energy for anything if that makes sense? I'm energetic if it's something I like, tired 24/7 otherwise. I'm self diagnosed with Autism and ADHD, waiting on an official diagnosis when I have the money for it. My favorite colors are green, blue, purple, red and black. I like dancing, singing, am super into music, learning how to skateboard right now, I love riding bikes, I am obsessed with reading, I enjoy theatre and am probably a theatre kid. I also like watching anime. I don't really have any close friends, but I do have a lot of friends and acquaintances! I'm a social butterfly and can Yap about anything I'm passionate about. I'm bisexual (masc leaning) and Genderfluid. I love animals and currently do ballet. I'm also a math whiz and a science whiz.

My fashion sense leans on more goth, punk, emo, alt, and Cottagecore. I constantly wear platforms and spiked rings, sometimes dangly earrings. I also wear fingerless gloves a lot. And I mostly wear black.

I dunno what else I can use to describe myself, so I hope this is enough?

Your DCU Ship: Tim Drake

Explanation: starting off with physical attraction, I think he would be very attracted to you. He’s not much taller than you. He’s about 5 inches taller than you and I think that he likes that you’re shorter than him because it’s often hard to find a person that is shorter than him.  he would also probably find your scars pretty bad ass cool and definitely ask lots of questions about where you got them and if you were ever insecure about your scars, he would just tell you how cool they make you look. he also thinks that your brown eyes are really pretty, and if you ever tried to insist that they were just plain brown eyes, and there was nothing special about them then he would definitely start comparing them to all sorts of pretty brown things like the rich soil of the earth or the darkest chestnut wood, chocolate, and coffee or things like that. yes this does make sense. I’m kind of a similar person and also I think that you and Tim would be a great balance. He’s always kind of tired and he doesn’t really sleep or he’s alarm clocks and he’s always kind of drained so I think that you guys will make a good couples, especially with your constant energy. I feel like it would energize him a bit, and he would make you a little bit less chaotic and give you a little bit more motivation to do things. If you were ever tired because it was a boring day then I’m sure he would make coffee with you and then try to cheer you up a little bit and you guys will be just cute little coffee, grumpy people together. He would also totally do a lot of outdoorsy activities with you even though he’s more of a stay and read person. He’s more of an introvert so I feel like your social butterfly would kind of bring him out of that a little bit and he could help you kind of not overwhelming yourself with social interaction. also, if you’re into math and science, you guys would totally geek out together like I feel like you would be so cool. You guys could just go into a room and talk for hours about that stuff and never get bored and I feel like he’d be very happy that you share some of those more similar hobbies to him and I mean he is literally a better detective than Bruce Wayne himself. He’s extremely intelligent so he would love discussing those things with you, as a kid, he listens to musicals. I feel like not a theater kid himself, but he would listen to musicals with you, and I feel like he would listen to his musicals on his own anyway, and he would come to all of her shows and always be super supportive. he also really loves your fashion taste and I feel like that’s kind of what made you stick out to him in the first place as he was like oh my gosh that person is so cool and I’m such a nerd. I’m such a dork like and he was super awkward approaching you and then you approach him and started talking to him and he probably got pretty flustered and awkward and I don’t know. I just feel like it would kind of be a really funny interaction for you to guys to have because I mean, I have a theory that he’s incredibly confident as red Robin his superhero persona but when he’s Tim Drake, he is so awkward man. He cannot hold a conversation and then red Robin. He’s like so smooth talking that’s my theory. anyway yall r cutieee 💙

[simp41ida]

Tenya would be after me 24/7 just to make sure I'm actually taking care of myself honestly-

If at all possible, I'd love a fluff/comfort fic of Tenya taking care of someone with the daily struggles I have. Mentions of slightly poor hygiene, poor eating habits, and depression related things.

So I get really bad depressive episodes, the kind where I don't shower for long periods of time. Now when I do shower, my skin gets really peely and it's the absolute worst, but I hate the feeling of lotion on my skin, and want to avoid more water contact so it's hard to actually do anything about it- I also get sick a lot, mostly really bad nausea, shortness of breath, and muscle weakness. This makes eating, and tasks as simple as walking to the other side of my home, very difficult. Another reason I hate showers since it makes me so exhausted I get light headed and all that jazz. I also got the big ADHD, making schoolwork nearly impossible if I'm not in a school setting, cause there's too many other things I could focus on. Cleaning is an issue cause of motivation, but I'm getting better with that at least!

No pressure at all to write about this, but tysm if you do! Even if you don't, but get to this point, just wanna say I love your writing, and keep up the great work!

warnings: depression symptoms

notes: thanks for liking my writing! it means a lot <33

iida will help you with anything if you ask him to

that’s why you and him are at your house trying to finish homework

the good in him won’t let himself tell you all the answers, but he will most definitely try to make it make as much sense as possible

especially if you haven’t been to school for a while

he wanted to respect your boundaries and let you come back to school on your own, but deku said it would be better if he checked in on you to make sure you’re doing okay

while he’s at your house, he’ll tidy up your room for you and anything else that needs tidying

this all goes without asking him to

he’ll ask you where you want something to go just so you know where it is the next time you look for it

he’ll make food for you and feed it to you as soon as he gets into your room

he’ll ask you if you want to eat it there or in the kitchen, and if you want to eat in the kitchen, he’d be more than happy to help you get there

he’ll also do research and buy special soap for you that’ll help with anything that’s happening with your skin

he’ll also help you shower

he doesn’t care if he gets his whole body wet doing it

it’s his pleasure, really

that way, if you get light headed in the shower, he can get you out as quickly as possible

if you text him that you’re sick, he’ll come over and help you until you’re well again

it doesn’t matter how long it takes

he just loves you too much to see you like that and will do anything in his power to make you feel better

[cloud-somersault]

Soul anon here, stalking your blog

I hard agree with you. I dislike so much of how the fandom treats the LMK characters. I don't understand how the fandom loves the show so much and doesn't seem to be able to grasp the characters at all.

Mk isn't written hardly with respect. He's so often reduced to empty air head adhd silly guy when he does have a lot of serious moments or otherwise when it's shown that he is intuitive, intelligent, and has a lot of good instincts.

Macaque is either constantly character bashed or woobified by the fandom, and so many fucking people in the audience fall for the facade he puts up. Like holy shit it's so bad. He's such an interesting character and a joy to watch and people just...seem like they hate him or love him and there's hardly any room for analysis on his motivations and behavior in a way that makes any sense when given full context.

Wukong is like...so loved by the fandom but ALSO is treated with zero respect somehow? Like they think he can't read? And the whole fandom sometimes feels like he can do no wrong when it's shown that he's still making mistakes but he is learning and growing (still! Even after his journey!) And that's a lot of the point to his character too! He's a silly little guy yes, but he's not a baby that the fandom makes him out to be who never does anything wrong. I don't get how he's so beloved by fandom and yet so many fan depictions are so...bad.

And Mei? Oh my god she has such good characterization in the show and so many good moments and yet I can't think of a comic, character analysis or fic where anyone gets her? She's shown to be strong, compassionate and analytical and yet so many people don't bother to let her be any of those things.

(I could keep going. Red Son. Pigsy. Tang. Etc.)

The fandom is small and there's great fanmade art and fic, but it always feels like so many people will get a couple of characters right and then just. Shit on the rest of the characters they don't like. I think it's partially due to that it's a small fandom and lack of people who can view any media with any level of nuance. All that said, it's why I love your fic so much, it feels like you nailed the monkey boys so well.

ohh yeah. there's a lot of younger people in the fandom (not that that's a bad thing but uh) so they're kind of lacking that critical thinking and life experience. not trying to be mean, but that's. literally how growing up works. and y'know, not being able to see the complexity to characters, thinking things are very black and white, etc. It's very frustrating!

MK will always be a great example of this, because the hints of deeper character he has in the show are just outright ignored for funnies and silly haha's for the fandom to enjoy. And Macaque isn't seen for who he truly is. like MK called him out explicitly in the show, and it's like everyone forgot about that. Like all it took for Macaque to drop his facade was someone looking at him for who he is and understanding him. and saying that...who he is okay.

it's just really sad because. you know it's a writing technique/literary device to put these sprinkles of character in, especially when you're working on a show that runs so short. that means every instance of dialogue matters. it's intentional. if they had more time, they could be more forthcoming with this stuff, but that's why there's a lot of things built into the background, too. they're literally using every trick in the book to tell a story BEHIND the story to make up for the small amount of time they have. and dealing with constraints and mandates. like "there has to be a big bad so we can sell sets with the mechs and weapons each season" and they writers are like "okay let's come up with a seasonal villain and everything. again."

But getting back to it -- yeah, Mei, too, is mischaracterized and it's such a shame. she's SO COOL. I love how out there and bright and funny she is! I love that she's so protective and determined. and she CARES about MK, they are best friends they get into some stupid shit together. i'd love to write their friendship, i wanna do that SO BAD PLEASE.

how the fandom treats wukong is part of what inspired me to write this big long fic in the first place. if they're not grossly misinterpreting something he's said/done, they're diluting him down to his cuteness and sweetness and ignoring everything else. and it SUCKS because I LOVE how the show demonstrates that he's not perfect and still needs to develop. Like he IS NOT a good mentor and is actually terrible LMFAO but he's trying!! he's trying. that's why there's so many sunburst duo moments in my fic because, after season 3, i really just see wukong going "okay, i have to take this seriously. for real this time. I don't like how I've been doing things and I need to do better"

and you know, a lot of the time in fandom, people don't know how to respectfully tackle these subjects? so they just focus on the good and ignore the bad -- much easier to handle the good. but straight up ignoring it isn't the way to go, either. ignoring a character's flaws is ignoring half of the character. take away wukong's flaws and that's not wukong anymore. people don't get that. they see flaws as this purely negative thing when they're essential to making characters be characters.

and there's also this tendency to just. take what one person says and parade it around as fact. that's how we got that "wukong can't read" thing going on. when i first saw that, i was so confused because it went against canon. we've seen him read...in the show...he has a laptop i don't. how did we get here LMFAO

and yeah, it extends to every character. it takes time to get characters right. you really have to like. study them. that's why roleplaying is a good way to like develop those characterization skills, but it only works if you're roleplaying with someone who has a good grasp of the show. or just being able to discern a good interpretation from a bad one. discernment is so pivotal. it's just like how, in film and television, you watch bad shows to learn what NOT to do. same thing here. you look at bad interpretations, you look at good ones. then you decide what's good.

not to say that's not what's happening, because that's how we get variance in interpretations. and you know, some people may not care about characterization and are having fun with their dolls. because that's also what fandom is. and it can be a good thing! but it can also be an aggravating thing.

I actually don't think the fandom is small at all. listen -- i know what a small fandom is. on my main, it's a small fandom, because it's me and 9 other people regularly making content for this pairing. like, every day in LMK land, there are new fics. like there are multiple artists making fanart! not so in where i came from

on main i think i'm one of ... five fic authors making content atm LMFAIJOWLMKA

thank you for saying you enjoy my fic! i'm doing my best, and i mostly wrote it out of spite LMFAO but i'll get into that more during my podcast whatever thingy. but thank you for sending this. it's nice to feel seen, i'm glad you agree! that's why you gotta follow/support people who do make content that suits you and makes sense, because then THEY feel encouraged to continue and do greater things!

[mental-health-advice]

Hello,

I have ADHD and I’m really having trouble with getting things done. Not just school, but also my own personal things, like writing for my blog and drawing/doing art projects. And this is stuff that I really, really want to do, but I just can’t force myself to start even when I really want to. Even if I do manage to open the document or set up the art project, I get distracted or procrastinate, and end up getting very little, sometimes nothing done. It’s really starting to affect me; I haven’t posted on my blog in months and I have asks to fill out, and I can’t get better at drawing because I can never make myself do it even when I really want to.

Do you have any tips on how to get started when you have ADHD?

—🍄

Hi there!

Thank you for getting in touch with us here at MHA! Living with ADHD and the way it affects our daily lives can be really difficult and I really relate to your struggles of finding the motivation to get projects started. Hopefully, I'll be able to give you a little bit of advice!

Firstly I think it's important to break things down into separate tasks and only focus on one thing at once - I mean that in two senses. So, you said a few things you want to get done, writing for your blog, art projects, and improving your drawing. When dealing with ADHD it can be really easy to get overwhelmed by having too many things to do, it gets stressful because you want to do all of those things at once but don't know where to start. So begin by picking one thing and focusing on that, the other things can go on a to-do list for another day! Then only one thing is your main focus for the day. Next is to split up that one task into little ones, and make a step-by-step plan. This way you only have to do one small step at a time, then you can go and do other things and take a break and not be overwhelmed by having to do everything at once. Having that structure and seeing all the bits you need/want to do can really help with motivation to want to start doing little bits to tick off your list. I have found lists to be so helpful, I do them for nearly everything now!

The next thing is when you want to get a task done, approach it when you're feeling good and calm. If you're already feeling not so great and/or stressed, trying to start a project can just make it worse. So before you want to get on with something, take a little time for yourself, make yourself a cup of tea, have a nice long bath, and get nice and relaxed. Once you're relaxed and in a good headspace then motivation can be much easier to find.

In terms of procrastinating and getting distracted, is there somewhere you can go where there won't be any distractions? For example, when I want to study, I go to the library rather than at home because I know it'll be quiet and there won't be so much to distract me. I also find positive reinforcement can be good for battling procrastination. Tell yourself 'Once I've got task x done then I can watch an episode of my favorite show' or something like that - reward yourself for getting something done because you should be proud of yourself!! You could also consider finding a friend or someone to do things with - like you and a friend could do a little art project together. I find having someone else involved really helps me with my motivation.

I think most importantly, don't beat yourself up about it. It can be frustrating and we can feel down and a bit useless if we can't get done all of the things we want to - but be kind to yourself as much as you can. Living and coping with ADHD on a day-to-day basis can be hard, so show yourself some patience and celebrate every bit of progress you make!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way! Keep smashing it!

Take care,

Rhiann xo

[schizosupport]

I'm a DID system with MADD, but lately I've been catching on to other symptoms that don't really fit into these categories as far as I can tell. It took me a long time to catch on due to dissociative amnesia. The biggest thing is visual hallucinations, usually in the form of fluttering shadows, but I've had times where my brain convinces me that it's something there that's dangerous, and even if I know it can't possibly be real, the fear is still real. I occasionally get auditory hallucinations too I think, I have a hard time telling with those though. I don't have paranoia as far as I can tell, anxiety, but that's as far as I've ever seen it go.

I read through some things on your blog, and some things click together in ways I never even thought about before, which just serves to confirm suspicions I've had for a while about being psychotic on some level.

All of that being said, I have a few questions.

How does psychotic and schizo spec disorders work with DID and MADD? Can those things cause/effect delusions (such as the content of them, things like that)?

What's the difference between psychosis and schizo spec? (If there is any, or is one more like a sub-category?)

Hi there! Welcome on the blog :) I'm glad it was helpful in terms of clicking some things for you!

I could ramble a lot, but I'm gonna try to stick to answering your questions to the best of my understanding (feel free to ask follow up questions, i may also be able to do a bit more research for you later).

First off, how psychosis and schizo spec disorders interact with maladaptive daydreaming and DID is a very big question. There's been some interest in the intersection between trauma, dissociation and psychosis for sure.

One of my former professors recently was an editor and contributor in a selection of articles collected in the book 'Psychosis, Trauma and Dissociation : Evolving Perspectives on Severe Psychopathology'.

I'm very interested in reading some of those articles, and I recently found a pdf version, so once I push through the inertia I hope to have gained a better understanding of new and different perspectives on the matter. It's safe to say that the sharp distinction between psychosis and dissociation often seen in popular psychology is actually a lot more complicated, messy and unclear in reality. MADD, as well as DID, as well as psychosis, reflects something about yourself, your life and your culture. The brain can't come up with anything that you couldn't come up with, so to say. And beyond any diagnostic categories, these are all your experiences. They cannot be separated into neat boxes, and as such they can and do interact. How so is individual, of course. And I would need a bit more info to say something more personal about the matter.

The difference between psychosis and schizo spec.. keep in mind that there's different ways to understand schizo spec, but this is how I use these terms:

Experiencing psychosis for any reason makes you psychosis spec. Psychosis spec people may not have anything other than psychosis in common with many schizo spec people. Non-shizo disorders that can cause psychosis are plentyful. Classics include depression and bipolar, but depending on who you ask it also can be a part of ptsd, ocd and more.

The schizospec disorders, at the most basic, are the disorders that are called schizo-something. Schizophrenic, schizoaffective, schizotypal, schizophreniform, schizoid..

The schizo spec disorders, while different, usually involve some level of psychosis, but they also come with other stuff that sets them apart. Ofc everyone is an individual, but common things include: strong negative symptoms (lack of motivation, energy, etc), cognitive difficulties (ala adhd or a learning disorder), social cognitive impairment and sensory difficulties (could look like asd), and a bunch of hard to explain, diffuse 'ways of relating to yourself and the world', such as overreflecting and questioning everything and feeling distanced to the world or like there is no difference between you and the world..

Interestingly, many of these can feature during/just around psychosis in non schizo people, but for schizo spec people it's often just how we are.

While some things like negative symtoms and cognitive symtoms often get worse after a big psychotic break, most schizo spec people have been more or less visible neurodivergent always, in a 'schizospec flavour' that is easier to notice in retrospect. Many get diagnosed with autism or adhd.

I don't have much data on this, but anecdotally it's quite rare for me to run into a schizo spec person who hasn't always -even before noticeable psychosis- struggled with reality on some level.

Out of the schizo spec disorders I mentioned, schizophrenia and schizoaffective are always included. I include schizotypal as well bc while it usually doesn't involve full blown psychosis, the patterns of experience and thinking are often quintessentially schizo spec in nature. Schizoid pd I also include, but I think it's quite individual whether a schizoid person feels kinship with the schizospec community. That said, many do, given that the symptoms of schizoid pd can be much like negative symptoms of other schizospec disorders, and there are often many other shared attributes.

So you can be schizo spec without having psychosis (fairly rare), and can be psychosis spec without being schizo spec.

There's obviously a huuge overlap in experience. And one of the reasons I am very careful to include both most of the time in my writing, is because I don't want anyone to feel excluded based on the categorization of their experience. The differences outlined above are statistical in nature, and cannot be used to predict any one singular person's experience.

[blueywrites]

Hi Bluey, I hope you're keeping well and congratulations on the wonderful news of your little Eggo! very cute nickname btw

I'm relatively new to your blog but I've been ploughing through all of your writing. I haven't finished your entire masterlist yet but I've loved everything I've read so far(turtle dove and the crow is my fave, I'm sure you get that all the time). Even to know you're mine which was a little tough for me to read only because I'm a monogamous person and the thought of my partner being with someone else, even in a swingers situation makes my heart twist. Those early scenes of Steve getting with Chrissy right in front of us had me on the verge of tears. Actually I did cry a little bit haha. And then a lot after. I could feel my stomach drop so hard and I thought for a moment, okay this one fic might not be for me but I couldn't stop thinking about it and I had to know what was going to happen with those characters. Such a worthwhile read and a very well written series with a lot of complex themes. It's one of the more memorable things I've read on here too because it pushed me past my comfort zone.

You should be proud! I know I would be if I were able to write like you.

I wanted to ask if that's okay, what do you like most about writing? and how do you stay positive on those days where you don't feel good about your writing for whatever reason?

You don't have to answer of course but please know that you have a new fan 💜 💜

First, thank you so so much for such a lovely and lengthy comment and for your congratulations! 💙💙 I'm so glad that reading TKYM was worth it in the end for you because I know parts are very hard to read - they were hard to write, too, honestly. I am very proud of that story and its thematic complexity. I think it's definitely my crowning achievement (turtle dove and the crow is closing in as a quick second though imo, and is def my favorite right now too!).

What I like most about writing... So, my husband has said multiple times that I should be writing scripts for TV shows because I always predict what's gonna happen lol, but I tell him I wouldn't wanna do that bc I just enjoy crafting too much -- coming up with prose and imagery that paints vivid experiences readers can really see and feel. It's very satisfying to see something in my head and translate it onto paper in such a way that it immerses people in the story.

I think I suffer most from internalized (and sometimes externalized) pressure to just keep creating constantly and compulsively, and that tends to make me freeze up and I get frustrated. I originally was afraid to ever stop creating bc I thought I'd lose my inspiration and interest if I took a break, but now I just try to remind myself that creativity never really leaves you, and in fact taking breaks is an important part of the creative process. I care a lot about writing and I didn't want it to become a hobby that I did for a time and then abandoned like many others in my life (thanks ADHD lol), but I'm not afraid of that anymore.

Thank you for reading and again for your lovely message. People like you help keep me motivated to keep creating, too 💙💙

[cydie]

services australia vent

[[MORE]]

i'm on a benefits payment that allows me to study full time

throughout the past few years, my record has probably passed through tonnes of people and when something like that happens - where one job is passed through multiple people, it's not always done to the right standard

services aus has made plenty of life altering mistakes that have cost me hours of my time to chase up

these are benefits that keep me alive, and dealing with it has been more than stressful

over the past several years, i have struggled with abusive relationships, psychological damage, and heavy mental health issues

because of these, it has stopped me from studying many many times and i have struggled so much to finish my degree

in light of recent events spanning from july 2022 to now, my life has been on an up and down spiral, mostly down

and the way i feel about my life right now is very much sincerely complete despair and dread

i think about suicide every second day

when i cross the road i think i could be selfish, ruin someone else's life and end mine and i would be done. finally

my heart and soul has taken so so many hits over the past couple of years that i am so fragile and i'm not who i used to be anymore

i care too much, give too much, get scared too easily, and i have nobody

i'm trying so hard to live the healthy girl life but my house is a MESS

it's just clutter in boxes

and maybe that's a psychological clue to say that i need to overcome whatever is going on in my head so that i can find the motivation to overcome what is going on in front of me

they think i have adhd. maybe i do. but maybe its just trauma.

will the psych be able to tell?

i always present to psychology whenever i have trauma or when i'm in a rough spot, but never when i'm good. so my diagnosis has always been a reflection of me when i'm not me

but whenever i talk about me, i feel like an imposter, like i won't be believed

i'm not lying, but one of the worst feelings is when you know you're telling the truth but nobody will believe you

and so you feel hopeless because you're like "how tf do i prove this?? i wasn't lying to begin with so its not like i was prepared to prove it???"

anyway i digress cos holy shit this wasn't supposed to be a giant tangent on how my life is shit

anyway

i called services australia today

and thanks to my myriad of medical certificates, withdrawn study periods and the length of my study, my record is a hot mess

i was on the phone for half an hour trying to figure out my benefits payment issues

the lady i spoke to on the phone was kinda defensive in the beginning which to be fair, she probably deals with a lot of arguing but she went through my record and maybe she realised that i was getting stressed

and that my record is like 50 medical certificates and a lot of people have touched my record and changed things that haven't been my fault

she said she would look at all of my medical certificates, and match them up to the correct dates

and reassess my allowable time for study tonight

and call me tomorrow

and the fact that she was willing to do this for me i was touched

but when she said "i wouldn't be worried about this, bc i'm pretty confident about this. i just need to make sure everything is there and matched up, and if this ever comes up again, they're all in one spot."

"i just want you to breathe, i promise it sounds a lot more overwhelming than it is. i just think there's a lot of people that have been on your record and done things, i think it would be easier if i just redid it all so it's one person's work on there instead of a bunch of different people"

i'm sobbing

"try and relax tonight, try not to think about it, i promise it sounds more overwhelming than it is"

it is so relieving to be seen and to be treated with kindness

[loisroo]

For the soft asks: 1, 2, 7, 8, 12, 24, 25, 29, 30

thank you for the asks!!! I really really appreciate you sending me all the numbers!! 🖤

from this post

1. what song makes you feel better?

ahhhh i got the adhd so it’s really hard for me to pick favorites or just one of anything honestly, if I try to categorize anything i get sucked in and will just tell you the pros and cons and why i like it so much— my brain is messy 😂

i also tend to cycle through a lot of music and it’s usually based on my situation or feelings in that moment.

so all that to say I think right now my feel good song is free me by anees

2. what’s your feel-good movie?

goooooo i’ll have to pick two! i love grandma’s boy because it’s so very stupid but it always makes me laugh. and the lady from everybody loves raymond is in it so that was nostalgic for me too. and the other one is the original overboard (i did like the new one too but nothing beats the old one) because goldie hawn was a babe and the character was fantastic!

7. what color brings you peace?

brown!! it’s my favorite color right along with black but I think brown brings me the most peace. it always reminds me of wet earth, loud silence, connectedness and the feeling of dirt in your hands, it makes me feel very content!

8. tag someone who makes you feel good.

@tiffanylamps she’s just so wonderful, she’s always kind and thoughtful whenever i interact with her. she also encourages my writing and lets me scream at her in her inbox about the ten new ideas i have 😂

@evil-moonlight evil my beloved!! 🖤 not only is she absolutely beautiful (i still remember that photo she shared and she was so freaking pretty!!!) but she was also the first person in the beyond evil fandom to really interact with me and make me feel welcome, i always love when i see her in my notifications

12. how are you?

ohhh i will save you all the gory details but i am exhausted. i haven’t been sleeping most nights which makes my days super difficult… and the days i’ve been having range from cancer diagnosis of a loved one to heartbreaking breakdowns via my 8 year old, and then doing all the regular life things in between. but!! not all of it is bad, i do get a break soonish and hopefully a med change

24. what’s something you do to de-stress?

i’ve been trying to read more recently and i set up a little safe space i can go to calm down or get a break. it’s not a lot yet but i’m working towards less stress in my everyday life so hopefully i won’t need to de-stress as often.

25. what’s the best personal gift someone could give you?

playlists are wonderful, anything by hand especially like knitted stuff!! also i love random little ‘made me think of you’ gifts (homemade or not). nothing makes me feel better then knowing someone thought of me or associated something with me and was like… ‘huh, I should get this for her. ‘

29. morning, afternoon, or night?

oh definitely night! nighttime is just more peaceful and things feel less hectic, i also struggle to sleep at night so i spend a lot of my time doing some things for myself then. plus it’s hard for me to motivate in the morning and i really need food and silence before i interact with others. i also have an 8 year old so i don’t have afternoons right now 🤷🏼‍♀️

30. what reminds you of home?

the color brown, the smell of bonfires, when my body feels weightless in water, jigsaw puzzles, the way my partners arms feel wrapped around me, the sound of my child’s laughter, all the dog and cat noises, and the smell of oil and garage.

[watmalik]

LSAT

Hi! Saw ur post about ur delayed lsat score (I am manifesting for u)

How did u study? Was it self studying??? Like, plsss help. Idk where to start. I already completed my undergrad, and while i don't have any motivation, the overwhelmingness of not knowing how or where to start studying freaks me out. Help lol

Hi! I took a year off from undergrad. I’m low income/first gen immigrant so I was able to get a fee waiver which I was able to get 7Sage for free essentially and their tier 2 for like 6 months.. I’m not a big believer of sitting there just taking a practice test so I drilled plenty using their app. LR is my worse section of to date, it goes either way.

I had studied before but not seriously, I worked full time and was very active in school with honor societies and clubs/internships so I couldn’t take it same time as my peers big discouraged here for me but I got through it.

I started with a 145 cold diagnostic and of the five actual PTs I did the last 2 were 160’s from studying 3 months.

I also did blueprint at the start, personally I thought I blew my money off with them. I just wasn’t feeling their live classes but I did learned a few tricks from them ngl. (I got it through Afterpay lol and I’m still paying for that ugh)

I also read their lsat booklet, it helped me with the understanding of foundations! And I also read through the Mike Kim Lsat book (lsat trainer)….psttt there is a free pdf online somewhere.

Drilling worked for me bc I easily get burn out. My motivation was my dad and a friend of mine who also was planing to take the LSAT. My dad is a tough love kind of guy so I specifically told him to act like that one coach from that one women baseball movie… NO CRYING IN BASEBALL. I thrive for competition so someone telling me I’m crap at something helps me keep going to prove them wrong 😭😂

On test day, since I got nervous bc one of my LR’s was just so hard and I guessed!! for the first time whilst taking the test ever. They were educated guesses but just the idea of guessing made me feel like crap.

If i could do anything different I will take more full time PT’s online. I thought I was going to get accommodations for my adhd but never got approved so I thought I could do the test in pen and paper. This was a big changer because I could bore you and argue some sections are easier on pencil and paper and much faster than online (cough cough RC!)

I would say always go on a run or do some sort of thing to stay active and not burn out/get motivation when studying. Hype yourself up or make someone do it if nothing else work. Don’t lose hope. You got this!

Good luck!

Ps: if you’re not seeing any improvement/hitting a plateau don’t get discourage or shut down. This means you’re starting to get burnt out so do something else. Take breaks. It’s a marathon not a sprint

[theway-itwas]

20221218

for jonghyun,

five years is a long time.

this fateful day that i dread every single year is finally here once again. five years. half a decade. one thousand eight hundred and twenty six days since you left.

it’s surreal. it’s crazy to think about. it’s been so long, and yet it’s gone by in the blink of an eye.

there’s still nothing i wouldn’t do to bring you back. i miss your bright smile, and your eyes that twinkle like they house billions of stars. i miss your voice. i miss the way you’d laugh with your entire chest, or how your whole body reacted to just about anything. i truly, deeply miss you, jjong.

so much has happened in just a year, and i can’t even begin to think of the person i was five years ago.

desi and i just hit our one year anniversary on the 7th. they’ve been really good to me and for me, i hope you’ve been able to see it. we’ve been talking about moving in, and it just about seems like it might be something happening very soon. i love them, i really do. they make days even as gloomy as these feel okay. they’re amazing, and i wish you could’ve been here to see.

i recently adopted a(nother) cat. yes, desi’s cat piper is technically mine too, but i hardly see piper. i don’t live with her yet, i don’t get to call her mine because she’s technically desi’s. but this cat, he’s all mine. the cat rescue my neighbors have, they asked me to take care of it for a month while they’re in the amazon. of course i wanted to, and i can’t say i didn’t expect to get attached to all of the kitties, but this one really won over my heart. his name is cloud, like cloud strife from final fantasy, and it really fits him. he’s a real cutie, just a big sweetheart. i think you’d love him, and i could totally see you wanting a cat someday. i’ll make sure to tell him all about you later tonight.

i’ve made and lost a bunch of friends. i haven’t necessarily lost many, but some distance has grown between us, and that’s okay. i don’t hate them, but i’ve grown to realize that what i think is good for me and what i want to constantly surround myself with just isn’t them. as for the friends i’ve made, they’re pretty great. i’ve also grown a lot closer to some friends, and i can say i’m happy with my relationships right now.

i got a new job, too! my last job was horrible, that’s for sure, but this new one isn’t so bad. i’ve never worked in retail before, so it’s definitely been a new, stressful experience for me. nevertheless, i think i’ve definitely grown to love the people there and the state i’m at. though, i am late quite often and i put myself in a lot of sticky situations. i have many flaws as a worker, but i’m trying to fix them, i swear.

i tried to contact my doctor for an adhd assessment. it’s been something i’ve struggled with for the longest time, and i finally pulled the trigger, just to be told there’s a countless number of hoops i have to jump through just so i can actually get the help i need. they basically need to treat me for my “severe anxiety” first (their exact words) which doesn’t really help because i needed help with my inattentiveness, but it’s okay. i’ll call them back eventually, i just need to find the motivation (and also not forget on the days which i am motivated). i’m getting it all sorted out, slowly, but it’s a work in progress.

this time of year always gets a bit gloomy remembering you’re not around. i try to have fun and make the most out of days like these, and i try to stay positive around the holidays, but some nights are harder than others, naturally. i just hope you’re doing well wherever you are.

i love you, jjong. i miss you endlessly and i really hope you’re happy. you did well, and you worked hard. you are always in my heart. thank you for letting me love you.

[squirrel-the-adhd-mom]

Chapter Six- A little heart broken.

10/01/2022

Saturday. The first day of October. Gloomy. Rainy. Me myself is very sad. Meatloaf passed away this morning. I know, I know that it isnt my fault. I did everything I could for the little thing. But I am still just sad. I feel like I messed up. I didn’t do something correctly or I missed something and it’s eating me up. Deep down I know it’s not my fault. This is toxic trait in my opinion and coincides with ADHD. No matter how much it’s not my fault I will pick myself apart until there is nothing left to pick at. Right now I feel defeated.

The worst part of being at the point of being defeated is it doesn’t just up and go away. It’s like a shadow that lingers in your soul for an unknown amount of time. Sometimes this feeling comes for weird reasons for example not getting enough positive stimulation. Not to mention everything else just setting you off throughout the rest of this prolonged period. Is this day over yet?

Been working on getting the house clean. Daunting is an understatement but I’m getting there. Laundry is going to be difficult I HATE laundry. Theo is board so getting anything done is hard because he follows you around like a lost puppy telling you how board he is. There’s a million things to do. None of which he wants to do. So he is cleaning the back door windows. Not sure what I’ll have him do next. Five minutes later he’s done and now wants to clean every single window in the house… Hyper fixation. It’s difficult to handle as an adult. Getting a six year old of that state of mind is border line impossible. Insert eye roll here.

Spent most of the day cleaning felt nice to have the motivation to do it. My husband, kids and my babysitter helped me! It looks so much better. Tomorrow is going to be laundry. Oh how I truly hate laundry. This chapter won’t be very long because I’ve been distracted trying to get stuff done. If your wondering how cleaning goes when you have ADHD let me just say it’s not easy. We jump around like kangaroos from one room to the next. Making the process 10x longer than it needs to be. I also have another toxic trait. Imagine that I probably have a lot. Anyways I like things being done a certain way. So although I appreciate my husbands help I have to refrain from watching how he’s doing things because it just isn’t the way I do. Which is okay but the OCD/perfectionist side of my brain can get overstimulated if I pay to close of attention. I appreciate you honey I do and I’m sorry if I micromanage you to much while we are cleaning.

Made dinner tonight. Butter and garlic seasoned ribeyes. YUM! My aunt and uncle came over. Over the past past three years I have gotten very close with them. Especially the last six months my uncle and I have been working together again. When I first moved to Casper he helped me get on with Prairie Field Services. I went to CDL school and then worked there for about 9-10 months. I loved working in the oil field. Now I haul trusses and I love it also. It’s much more of a challenge which my brain sometimes craves. If everything is the same every single day it gets boring. I know how to do it and well I don’t want to do it anymore. So doing what I do now is always different and it fuel my brain. Anyways they are some of my favorite people. I’m going to clock out! I am exhausted.

[lovrre]

Could you do Eddie Munson with a stuttering partner who has adhd?

The presentation~

Summary: you’re very nervous about a presentation coming up and your boyfriend knows just what to do to motivate you.

Author note: sorry this took forever, I didn’t know if you wanted smut or not so it’s just fluff. Btw…REQUEST ARE OPEN!!

Word count: 1k

Warnings: nothing really there’s like one curse word just a little fluff

You were sitting at your desk in your room, coloring in the letter on your poster. Eddie sat a cross from you on your bed flipping through a magazine from off your dresser.

“These m-m-markers are dull as fuck” you say aggressively, dropping the marker down on the poster Board. “Do you got anymore?” Eddie asks, looking at your annoyed expression.

“Ya over there,” you say pointing to a shelf holding up a pink pencil case (the hard plastic glittery kind) Eddie places the pencil case down on the desk next to you.

“What’s bothering you y/n,” Eddie says, sitting on the edge of your desk. “It's This dumb ass p-p-presentation” you had been stressed all week about the presentation not just because you were scared you wouldn’t finish it but because you actually had to present it. Meaning, you would most likely stutter in front of the whole class. Everybody already knew you had a stutter, it used to be a lot nastier before your speech exercises. It’s still really hard for you to pronounce words that start with S or p, and occasionally, you hum on m’s, Not to mention it worsens when you're nervous.

“I don’t wanna p-p-p-present my-” you pause before attempting The next word. “Project so everyone can laugh at me” Eddies face falls a bit. “Have you asked the teacher if you can get a pass on this one ?” “Of course, I did and of course, she said no, MMMM-Mrs” you take a deep breath before continuing. “Mrs. Helton hates me”. Eddie stays silent for a second before talking,

“Let's practice then!” Eddie Announces

“No, thanks,” you say, shaking your head in disagreement. “Practice is good,” Eddie tells you, “I'm not doing it” you reply sternly

~~~

You stand against your room wall, poster in hand, while Eddie sits on the edge of the bed pretending to sit at a desk. “I don't wanna do this,” you say grudgingly. “Go on,” Eddie says, shooing you forward to continuing. You roll your eyes and continue “I decide to do m-m-my project on” you take a deep breath again hoping not to mess up the next sentence too much. Not that Eddie would care, he’s always understanding of your stutter and your struggles with ADHD. “On how colors coordinate with emotion in film,” in mm-Many movies, colors are used to portray emotion. Most commonly blue, yellow, and red.” You continue with the rest, but before you can finish Eddie starts clapping “LOOK AT YOU” Eddie says smiling ear to ear. You laugh and roll your eyes. “ SHHH BEFORE MY DAD HEARS YOU,” you say, quite yelling.

“Sorry, sorry,” Eddie says lowering his voice, “But you did really good at the “how the colors coordinate” part” “I did” you reply walking back to your desk. “You’re Not gonna finish?” Eddie asks, turning his head in the process.

“No forget it, I don’t think i-I-I-m gonna do it,” you say placing the poster on the desk before walking towards the mattress and plopping next to Eddie.

“Why not,” he asks, turning his head to face you. You don’t answer right away, still staring at the ceiling. “Because…” you say trailing off

“I think you should” Eddie interrupt, you turn to face him this time. “Hmm, I think I should……NOT” you say smiling to yourself.

“Are you really gonna make me bribe you?” Eddie asks, lifting a brow, “Am I?” You ask, pretending to be clueless.

“I’ll take you to Cherries?”

You instantly sit up, “are you serious!” Eddie nods, sitting up on his arms. “Pinky promise?” You say, extending Your smallest finger. Eddie does the same interlocking pinkies. “No, take b-b-backsies? Cherries is a serious P-p-promise”

“Cross my heart” he responds giving you a small smile and making an x gesture over his chest.

And cherries was a Big promise, and you mean Big. Not only was it the best ice cream place in the world with over 75 flavors. It also was 7 miles away, so you rarely got to go. But it was the place to go after a celebration.

“Ok then deal”

~~~~.

Today was the day of the presentation, and you were up next to present. Instead of listening to your classmates present like you probably should have. You were making up fake romantic scenarios in your head while mindlessly biting your nails. “Y/N” your teacher called making you jump. “Huh?” You say, still a little dazed, ripping your hand from your mouth, “it’s your turn to present”:

“Oh yea, sorry,” you say, picking up your poster that had been resting against the legs of your chair. You walk up to the front of the class and give your classmates a sarcastic simile that hides your lips. “I did my-” before you can finish your sentence, you see someone out of the corner of your eye. Eddie gave you a little wave through the window of the door. Your teacher follows your eyes and looks towards the door. Eddie quickly ducks down to hide.

You return to speaking, and you see a figure reappear in your peripheral. Instead of looking again, you continue with the presentation hoping not to get him caught. “Umm… I did my presentation on how colors coordinate with emotions in film” you show your poster and point to A drawn scene from a movie you colored in.

I don’t know if y-y-y-you guys have ever seen (A little lam) but in the mmm-movie. You take a deep breath “when Molly is happy everything is yellow, but after her lam dies everything is gray and monotone”.

You continue on with the rest of your presentation, you stutter a little here and there but pretty much smooth sailing. When you finish a couple of people clap, and you walk awkwardly to your chair, sitting down quickly.

You start fidgeting with your nails when your classmate across from you taps your shoulder. “You did fantastic!” she says smiling, exposing pink braces That matched with her quirky hair clips. “Thanks” you reply with a genuine smile before watching your next classmates go up to present.

~~~~~

When you get out of class, Eddie picks you up and spins you around. “You did so good,” he says after placing you back on the ground. You roll your eyes before speaking, “you’re so dramatic, all I did was read” you say trying hard not to smile. “I’m just happy you’re overcoming your fears,” he says quietly his eyes darting to your lips, You lean in for a kiss “thanks to you,” you say smiling against his lips.

“Oh my gosh eewww,” some random girl says in a preppy high-pitched voice. You quickly flip them off, not breaking the kiss.

~~~~

In the long line at cherries, you couldn’t help but smile ear to ear in anticipation of being the next’s one’s up. “Hi, welcome to cherries What can I get you today,” the lady says behind the counter in a high pitch southern accent. Before we get to say our orders, she starts back.

“If it’s hard to choose, I suggest the walnut Winkle or the berry cherry sorbet. If you don’t like any of those, we also have over 75 different flavors. Nana's banana, Rocky road, wacky walnut, very berry blueberry, Mono-“

“ we’ll willtake a sugar s’more in a waffle cone and swirl in a cup,” You says cutting The woman's list short, she smiles “ok that will be $5.36” Eddie hands her the money, A minute later she hands him the swirl in a cup and me the s’mores cone.

“It’s cute you know my order” Eddie says rubbing your head and messing up your hair.

You and Eddie sit on top of A picnic table close by, eating your ice cream. You give your ice cream another lick “ delicious” you hum closing your eyes land slowly shaking your head. Eddie puts down his now empty cup of ice cream. “You still aren’t finished?”, Eddie asks watching you take your time on your cone. “I actually wanna taste it, unlike you.” You say laughing, Eddie doesn’t say anything, just Silently admires you with a smile on his face. “What?” You say, quickly whipping cream off your face with your finger and putting it in your mouth.

“Just thinking about how much I gotta love you to wait in a 35-minute line for Damn ice cream ”

“a lot” you respond pecking him on the lips, “and don’t act like you don’t love this ice cream”

[boncorner]

Karamatsu and Rejection

[Character analysis, as well as some ADHD and Depression HCs]

So hear me out, I'm sure I'm not the first one saying this but... the reason why Karamatsu doesn't even try to get a job in season 2's ending, is because he was rejected over and over in season 1. Like it makes sense that it's a direct result of that, especially after the book about getting qualifications poofed (cus Ichimatsu took it), it just slammed down his motivation even more." I can't find it so I'll just not bother."

Not like he has a phone to just Google with either... If it's gone, it's gone. Changing is hard and exhausting, and if he doesn't even have something to motivate him, why try at all? He even outright is the one telling Osomatsu that getting a job is a pain in the ass.

You see everyone working hard to change in this episode, but when it cuts to Karamatsu, he's just staring into the ground, lost in thought.

And maybe he's scared of being alone again, just like in season 1, and just like in the movie, where he lost his only support once already. So it makes sense that he surrounds himself with new friends instead of actually becoming independent. So that he's not alone when everyone else leave.

Then in season 3's ending, he does want to change, even if by just a little. He considers getting a driver's license. He goes to check out the driver's school, and he looks at the cars that are for sale, but he ultimately decides to not do what he set out to do.

They're too expensive, where would he even get the money, nobody wants to hire him, so in what reality would he get a car? He even drops the thought of getting a job immediately on favour of the lottery, making excuses as he does.

Also I just don't think he believes in himself all that much. I think he wants to, really bad! That's why he acts like he's the hottest shit, because then maybe, that can become him. Maybe that confidence will rub off on him, maybe the act will one day become him... But that's not how it works.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is a part of the ADHD experience, so let me just slide this note into my "Karamatsu has ADHD" corner cough. This means that you're much more sensitive to rejection, and you may even develop "learned helplessness", which can cause you to become stagnant.

I can't do it. I'm not good enough. Why do I even try? It's not even worth thinking about, I can't pull through.

I'll just do nothing instead.

And we already know that Karamatsu is depressed. Through season 3, he's repeatedly seen struggling to get into his persona and play his usual schtick, because it's just not that fun anymore. And this used to be his entire Thing. He'd burst out into dramatic acts and ridiculous outfits, he was having fun doing this, but he feels... Dulled down, this season. Like he's trying harder than before to be this person, but at the same time, also like he doesn't see the point in trying anymore. He couldn't even keep his mask on in "Pizza".

In the episode where Jyushimatsu finds a coin, you could say that he's sitting around admiring his reflection, but it almost feels like.. practise.

When Jyushi comes around, he takes this opportunity to ham it up, trying to be dramatic and ridiculous, because he's confident he can practise on Jyushimatsu, but... It feels kinda forced, doesn't it? And he wasn't prepared for Jyushi to have his own struggles, who probably came to Karamatsu, the other one who's over the top, to try out being more sensible.

But it's a perfect example of how he's out of practise.

He feels lost and useless, and the loneliness of being stuck in your own head, being on your own in a room full of people, is wearing him down.

It's sad because he's been alone for so long, that he no longer opens up to his brothers anymore. In "Pizza" he snaps at them, because he's annoyed that they criticize him for not speaking up when they never usually care, but it's not like not a single one of them cares about him.

Choromatsu wants to help him stand up for himself.

Osomatsu repeatedly lets him know that if he's got something on his mind, he shouldn't be afraid to say it.

Ichimatsu seems to listen intently and wants to understand what Karamatsu is thinking, showing genuine interest when he does tell them. He's very perceptive of Karamatsu. Maybe because they're much more similar than he initially thought, and they both struggle with depression. They just handle it very differently.

I'm looking forward to seeing more of this explored in season 4, I feel like there's a build-up to all this...

[meloswifeyyy]

Relationship Alphabet

A - Attitude

Who often has the worst Attitude ?

Well, you obviously. Most of the time because you are hungry or you and Melo just got out of an argument. Melo usually fucks the attitude out of you anywhere, anytime tho.

B - Baby

Who wants Babies the most - first ?

Melo. He often jokes about having kids or when you are having sex he would whisper in your ear  “You trynna have my babies?” or  “You boutta have my babies ” when he nuts in you. He says that he wants 3 or more. You only want 2. You arent rushing into it.

C - Crying 

Who Cries the most in the relationship ?

You. You often cry alone when you miss Melo when he is at away games for so long. Or when your BP triggers, Melo would comfort you. When watching sad movies, or when someone you love dies. Tears of joys appear here and there. Or when you get into arguments and Melo says something wrong or disrespectful out of madness.

D - Dates 

Who has the best Date spots ?

Melo. He would often take you to fancy restaurants in L.A or Miami, or wherever you guys went. Or take you shopping at an expensive place. He would do dates at home like watching movies, have you cook dinner because he cant cook for shit, or he would have a bath waiting on you. 

E - Eat 

Who Eats the most ?   

You. You know damn well you cant survive without food. Its the 2nd best thing that has ever happened to you besides life and Melo. Cant even survive a night. If you would wake up in the middle of the night and get hungry and go to kitchen and try to sneak some food without waking Melo up, he would hear it and go to the kitchen and scare you, picking you up over his shoulder with one arm, and with the other putting the food away carrying you back to the bed because its a little to early in the morning to be eating. 

F - Freak 

Who is the Freakiest ?  

Both of you. You being the only girl that can fuck Melo like you do, and being the only girl Melo is sexually, physically, and mentally attracted to no other girl can do it like you.10/10 in bed. Now Melo on the other hand is a demon in bed. His strokes, hitting your G - Spot constantly with you feeling it in your guts. His 9 inch is almost  always on hard when he is around you. And his tongue is crazy, going in and out and on the pearl AT THE SAME TIME. Crazy right. Spelling his name out on you. He loves when you scratch his back up or give him hickeys everywhere. 10000/10. Makeup sex is the best. 

G - Games 

Who wins the most games ?  

Melo. He would always dare you to a game of Call of Duty or Fortnite to see who would win first. And he would always win. When you would play a game of Uno you would often win and he would be mad the rest of the day due to his competitiveness. But any other game he would win.

H - Happy

Who is the Happiest in the relationship ?  

Both of you. You are always happy when you guys are around each other. Even when you guys just got done arguing you are still happy that he is in your presence. Melo on the other hand is always happy with you around him, he loves to cuddle with you. Its one of his favorite thing to do. He just loves that you are in his presence. You are his other half.

I - Irreplaceable

Who is the most Irreplaceable ?  

You would say Melo but Melo would say you. Melo knows how to deal with you more than anyone else does. He knows all your spots and what you like and dont like. He notices all of your flaws and sees the good and beautiful in them. He knows your body, mind, and soul. No man has a better or brighter or bigger smile than him. He always brightens the mood. You on the other hand are different. A big beautiful smile. You know how to deal with Melo when he is sad, looses a game. You can tell when he is lying or telling the truth just by looking through his eyes. You know how to make him happy. You are the best he has ever had.

J - Jaded 

Who gets the most Jaded after doing something ?

Melo. He usually gets really bored after sitting in the house all day. He really wants to leave the house and do something fun but usually its night time and you would be taking a nap or would be sleep. 

K - Kisses

Who gives the most kisses?

Melo. He is always so clingy and that comes with all the kisses in the world. He kisses you all over your face in your sleep, even when you are sleep he gives you kisses. He loves to kiss all over your body.

L - Love

Who fell in love the fastest?

Melo. He had always had a crush on you and everyone knew you were the one for him. You just didn’t know it until you two started dating. He’s always making sure you are good. He loves your hugs. He was the first one to say “I love you”. He want kids you to have all 10 of his kids.

M - Motivation

Who gives the most motivation?

You. When melo is going to a game and is not having a good feeling about it you motivate him to push through it and win for you. 9/10 he will win or get a lot of points for you.

N - Night Owl

Who is more of a Night Owl?

Both of you. Sometimes when his ADHD is on 10 you guys stay up and listen to music, play games, go on ig live, or just fuck for 7 hours straight. Sometimes you have to tell him to got to sleep or put him to sleep (😏) because he has a game tomorrow and needs all the rest and energy he can get. It also the same for you.

O - Oral Sex

Who gives Oral Sex the most?

Melo. Trust me, you give him head a lot and it’s amazing, 10/10. But melo loves giving you head. He loves to spell his name out on you. Loves to see the faces to make you scream and shout. Loves sharing your cream with you (🥲). He loves to climb under the blanket while you are sleep for some breakfast in bed. Maybe even dinner. His lips make it even better. So glad he don’t got them white genes in his lips (😋😭).

P - Perfect

Whos perfect?

Obviously, no ones perfect but God (🙏🏾). But in your eyes no one else is better for you except melo. You couldnt imagine living life without him. Cant imagine what anyones elses kids would look like with you but. No relationship is perfect. Melo sees you as perfect. Your body. Your style. Your personality. He absolutely loves your touch. He loves touch but for you loving your touch is an understatement. He couldnt imagine his kids with anyone else but you. Cant imagine getting married with anyone else. When you guys get into arguments and sleep in seperate rooms. You barely get sleep because all you can think about is each other. How perfect you guys are for one another.

Q - Q? (Cant find a word, Tell me one and ill edit it.)

R - Relate

What traits do you guys have a like each other?

A lot. Both of your favorite food is Chicken tacos. You both love a good game of Uno. You both love sex. Duhh. Both of you guy’s love language is touch. Love playing fortnite together. Love listening to music and taking drives together. Both love lil uzi (we pretending yall💀). Just in general you guys are very alike.

S - Sex

(No question for this one lol. Y’all already know how we is round hea nahhmeannn😭)

The sex. Omgggg. The first time you and melo had sex was. So amazing. Can’t ever forget that moment. Melo is always so horny. Morning sex is the best. Sometimes a little top at the red light can turn into a few rounds in back of the McDonalds parking lot. Lucky enough all his windows tinted as hell. Or in the Victoria’s Secret fitting rooms. You guys could be listening to Chris Brown and he would really take you down, fuck you back to sleep, switch up the tempo, or make you wet the bed (i’m laughing hard ash). The hickeys. The high sex. Drunk sex (drunnnnkkk in lovvveee). Car sex. Balcony sex. All over the house sex ( i got bars.) Mad sex and Make up sex. I could go on. Sex with me so amazinggggg. (i was listening to this song while writing this one💀😫😫😫)

T - Trips

Who likes taking trips internationally?

Melo. He love to take you and a yearly or even monthly vacay. Just you and him. Turks and Caicos. Bora Bora. Jamaica. Iceland. Japan. Africa. Anywhere where you can get away from the world. The different places. The hotels. Being able to fuck anywhere and everywhere. The pools. The different air. (united states ait is so boring). The new food. The animals. You guys love the new places. He loves to see you happy and with a smile on your face.

U - U (Cant find a word, Tell me one and ill edit it.)

V - V (Cant find a word, Tell me one and ill edit it again.)

W - Right the Wrongs

Who rights their wrongs after an argument?

Usually it would be you first. If you said something that was out of pocket or melo didnt like you woukd quickly apologize. He would forgive you and still cuddle and kiss you and stuff because thats what he does. Tease you. But he would ignore you until he actually forgave you in his head. Melo would apologize and give you some bomb ass d for and apology. Or make that cute face that you can’t resist.

X - (Can’t find a word for X. Give me a suggestion and i will edit it)

Y - Young

Who acts like a Young ass child?

Both of you actually. That’s what makes you love each other the most. The laughs and jokes, the tv shows, everything you could think of. It’s nothing wrong with it at all. Y’all are always gonna bust a joke out at the right time. Maybe sometimes even the wrong time. (damn, double homicide). You guys love laughing with each other.

Z - ZZZ

Who has the worst sleeping habits?

Probably Melo. If you scooted over him even a little bit, he would probably scoot back closer to you or pull you back over to him. And the only con of that is he snores a lot. (Why this nigga snore with his mouth open?🤨💀). Sometimes if he was awake and you werent he would kiss all over you. He loves to lay on your 🍒.

Y’all welcome. I haven’t pose the one of these in a minute. This took me a whole month and a half. I’m tired as hell. 💀