#i couldn't feel comfortable being myself anywhere else but inside my room

[cabbi3]

i really miss drawing and being silly thinking about my blorbos

[authoreetea]

𝐭𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧 (pt. 2)

pairing ; rafe cameron x reader

summary ; you come back to the obx three years later for a work thing, and rafe is adamant on trying to get you back. it's the christmas season 🫣

warnings ; i don't know 😭 THIS IS MY LONGEST WORK EVER? feminine terms maybe. reader is a fashion designer and probs ooc rafe

note! it's december, once again, so i thought why not give losing you a happy ending. part two! I'm in my christmas feels, ill make a part three. you can kinda end it at the first part but christmas feels gets me wanting happy endings so here i am 🫣

p1

Being back at Outer Banks after three years brings back the good and bad memories. It wasn't just a stroll down memory lane; it was a strong plunge into the depths of shared history. The salt air greeted me, it carried whispers of laughter and echoes of heartache.

My return wasnt purely for nostalgia, I had to be here on a work obligation. One of my clients live here, and apparently needed me here for the whole december.

Figure Eight was decorated with festive christmas lights, the holiday spirit clashing with my uncertainty that lingers in the air. I've debated with myself over and over again, that going back was a bad idea, yet I can't turn down my clients.

Unfortunately, the only hotel by figure eight is fully booked and I have nowhere else left to stay. I thought about Rafe's sister, Sarah, but I don't even know where she is now. We've fallen apart since then and I don't know anyone here, but him.

Taking a deep breath, I swallow my pride and went to the Cameron estate. I repeat 'it's for work' in my head as if it's a mantra.

The place I used to call home, the place where Rafe and I share all kinds of memories. It looked sad, it was the only house around the neighborhood that had no christmas decorations, yet it was still clean.

I compose myself, and knocked on the door three times. I hear shuffling and a slightly muffled "hold on" from the inside. I can recognize his voice anywhere, I only now felt the anxiety rushing back to me.

He opened the door, his hair damp and messy. He was in a navy blue polo shirt, with black shorts and his scent wrapped around me. Rafe smelled fresh and citrusy, my body felt comfort and resentment at the same time.

I muster up a small smile, you can barely even see it. Rafe looks shocked, his eyes were wide and his mouth slightly agape. Time had etched its mark on his face, a complex canvas of emotions hidden behind those familiar blue eyes. "You're back," he stated, his voice a mixture of surprise and a vulnerability he couldn't quite conceal. He looked as if he just saw a ghost.

I give him a curt nod. "Yes, for a work thing. The only hotel near here is fully booked, and this was the only place I could think of. I can find something else, if you mind."

Rafe shook his head and opened the door wider. "You can stay, it's just me, anyway." He said, the shock still evident in his voice. I gave him a quiet thank you, smiling at him as I walked in.

The inside felt cold, the ghost of our past danced around every corner of this place. It looked fine, it was obvious Rafe re-decorated and made it more- him.

"Thank you, really, for letting me stay. I didn't know figure eight was such a tourist spot at Christmas." I said, a slight hint of humor in my tone in attempt to lighten up the mood.

He gives a half-hearted chuckle, yet I could sense his guarded demeanor. "Uh, yeah. Ever since I finally took over, I made a few tweaks and this place became a tourist attraction." He said, scratching the back of his neck.

God, he looked so good.

I smile, trying to contain my thoughts. "You're doing really well, Rafe."

He smiles and thanks me. "Anyway, I have to excuse myself. You can take Sarah's old room for the time, you know where it is." He says, grabbing his keys, wallet, and phone, before walking to the door.

"I'm glad you're back, y/n." And with that, he left.

I felt my cheeks getting warm and I sure as hell looked red as a tomato. I think I'm gonna be sick, He looks so good and it's so hard not to miss him. In those three long years, all I could think about was if he was doing well. And I'm glad that he is.

--

Over days that blurred into nights, work obligations mingled with the tentative reconnection between us. Small talk and shared glances became the thread by which we delicately wove our way through unresolved emotions. Rafe's eyes held an unspoken plea, a desire to mend what had been broken.

It has been 14 days since I've been back, and it was already starting to get cold, only 10 days away from christmas. It was midnight at the Cameron estate as I went down to the kitchen to make some hot cocoa. I've been working all day figuring out new designs for this "gala" thing my client is asking for.

I prepared my ingredients, reaching for a mug when I was interrupted by a deep "Hey" from Rafe.

I gasped and held onto my chest. "Jesus, Rafe, don't sneak up on me like that!"

He smiles sheepishly, and mutters a soft sorry. "Sorry, can't sleep. What are you making?"

"Hot cocoa, you want one?"

He replies "sure" and sat by the kitchen island. It's been like this lately, small conversations with tension lingering in the air. It felt like something heavy was being put above our heads, threatening to fall down in a second.

Rafe looks deep in thought as I made his cocoa and mine. His eyebrows always go upward when he's thinking and he gets fidgety with his hands. Until today, I have all his mannerisms memorized. He wasn't someone I could ever forget.

"Y/n, look. I owe you an apology." He says, quietly as he still fidgets with his heirloom ring. His blue eyes carried a mix of regret and sincerity. "You didn't deserve that. My fear pushed away the one thing that mattered the most."

My heart ached, I felt like it was beating a thousand times a minute. "Rafe-" I started, yet he cuts me off

"I wasn't done, sorry. I just want you to hear me first." He says, giving me a pleading smile. I whisper an okay and handed him my special cocoa.

"I knew I would mess it up. Hell, I feel like I really messed up back then. Fear took over me and I thought that it would protect you, but it only hurt you. " He said, his gaze switching from me and the old christmas mugs I bought that he still kept.

"Rafe, it's in the past. We've both grown up and I forgive you, I can never stay mad at you forever." I say, giving him a warm smile and held his hand for a second. He eyed my hand before giving me a half hearted smile.

"In the three years I was alone, I had time to reflect and I realized that some risks are worth taking. " He pauses, standing up next to me.

Rafe was tall, and he towered over me. "I'm sorry for not giving you what you deserved, for being to scared to accept the love you had to offer." He admitted, his blue eyes finally meeting mine. We were less than a meter away and I could basically feel his warmth radiating off of him. and his scent engulfed me like a hug.

"I want to show you I've changed, y/n. I'm willing to do anything, an whatever it takes, to make it right with us." He says, his hand reaching for mine and immediately met warmth. "Come home to me, y/n."

His apology hung in the air, and I stared at him, blinking. I was shocked at how he expressed his feelings, it wasn't something he was open about before and maybe now, he's really doing better.

"Rafe, I accept your apology. But you really did hurt me rafe, and it's gonna take a lot more than this for me to come home. " I say, giving him a tight lipped smile.

What surprised me was the smirk on his face as he looked at me.

"I understand." He says, a smile on his face before getting closer to me. I felt my blood rush to my cheeks at our closeness. The mood definitely changed from emotional to frisky really quick.

"There's ten days left before Christmas, think I can win you back by then?" he says proudly, smirking at me as he maintains eye contact.

I chuckle, "Sure preppy boy. I'd like to see you try."

[zegrvshvghes]

No amount of alcohol in my system could make me forget you- VD29

Part 1/3

It was cold outside, and I was feeling numb from the weight of the world. My friends had left me at the bar, and I had no idea where I was or how to go home. I mumbled a list of swear words as I walked shakily down the street. I jerked myself to a stop, realizing that I was lost. That sudden realization hit me hard, and I leaned against a brick wall to steady myself before I fell over. Just then, I saw the neon sign for a hotel nearby, the name of which I couldn't recall. Making my way inside, I paused at the reception for a while before trudging down the hall to the lift.

Thank god it was empty when I exited on the sixth floor. I felt very disoriented, so I relied on my intuition until I saw a door that was left ajar. I entered and made my way to the bed, allowing myself to sink onto it, feeling the softness of the sheets. As I nestled myself deeper, I noticed that the room's heating wasn't working while the window was left open, making the room freeze me to the bone. So with a chattering set of teeth, I dared to walk over and close that window.

I was so drunk that none of this made much sense, but it all felt like a weird waking dream. I wanted nothing more than to curl up under the blankets and fall asleep in this unknown bed. I laughed at myself, and then I broke into tears when I couldn't forget about my problems.

I was surprised to see a man come in, a man I immediately recognized as Vince Dunn. "Hey, who are you?" he asked, his voice deep and commanding.

I whirled around, shuddering with cold and then embarrassment as he caught me off guard. I took one look at him, stunned for a moment before stuttering, "I'm… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come in here. The window was left open, and the heat wasn't working, and I couldn't think… I'm just so cold."

Vince looked startled. "Why didn't you call the front desk? Or just leave a note?"

"I didn't have my phone. I must’ve lost it on the way here and I wasn't thinking," I said, tears welling up in my eyes. "I'm really sorry. I'll just… I'll go."

"No, no," Vince said, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay? Why are you crying?"

I shook my head, turning away to hide my face. "It's nothing. Just… stupid stuff."

"Can I help?" Vince asked, concern written on his face.

I snorted, wiping away my tears. "No, I don't think so."

We stood there in silence for several minutes, and I began to feel uneasy. I was nervous and embarrassed, and I wanted to leave before Vince had to kick me out.

But then he spoke again. "You know, you're welcome to stay. I mean, if you're really cold and don't have anywhere else to go. I have an extra blanket, and I can order some room service."

I looked at him in surprise. "Really? You'd let a stranger stay in your hotel room?"

Vince shrugged. "You don't seem like a dangerous person. And, I don't know, I just have a feeling that you need someone right now."

I was touched by his kindness, and I nodded my head in agreement. "Thank you," I whispered hoarsely.

With that, Vince made his way to the phone, calling for room service, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I lay there, staring at the ceiling, feeling grateful and confused. This famous hockey player was being so kind to me, even though he had no reason to. I wondered what his life was like, what he did outside of hockey.

When Vince returned, he had a tray of food, piled high with sandwiches, fruit, and a pitcher of water. He set the tray down on the table in front of me, and then he poured us each a glass of water.

"I hope you like sandwiches," he said with a smile.

I nodded, gratefully piling a sandwich high with meat and cheese. We ate in silence for a while, but it wasn't awkward. It was comfortable, almost like we had known each other for years.

It wasn't until after we finished eating that Vince spoke up again. "So, what's your name?"

I blushed, realizing that we had been talking for a while already and he didn't know my name. Sticking out my hand, I introduced myself

Vince took my hand, shaking it firmly. "Nice to meet you, I'm Vince."

We continued to talk, sharing stories about ourselves and our lives. I learned that Vince was more than just a hockey player; he was also an artist in his free time. I was intrigued by that, asking him more and more questions about his art.

Before I knew it, hours had passed, and the dawn was slowly creeping into the sky outside. I yawned, resting my head against Vince's shoulder.

"Are you tired?" he asked, glancing down at me.

I nodded. "Yeah, a little bit. I should probably go. "

“Where?”

“I can find a place” I explained.

Vince looked disappointed. "Oh. Okay."

But then he leaned in closer, and I could feel his breath on my face. My heart was beating so fast that I could hear it in my ears. And then, before I knew it, Vince was kissing me.

It was a soft, gentle kiss, one that seemed to go on forever. I melted into it, my arms wrapping around Vince's neck as he held me tightly. It was just a simple kiss, but it was so full of love and warmth that I felt like my heart was going to burst.

When we pulled away, I was breathless. "Wow," I whispered, feeling a smile spread across my face.

Vince grinned down at me, cupping my face in his hands. "Yeah," he said. "Wow."

And then we were kissing again, our bodies pressed close together as the sun rose outside. It was a beautiful, magical night, and even though we had just met, I felt like I had known Vince for a lifetime.

As I fell asleep in his arms, I knew that this was just the beginning of something special. And even though I was still lost and confused, I felt like I had found a home in Vince's embrace.

[sweeterthanthis]

Okay I was in my feels last night but I had this thot. What if Soldat was allowed one day every year to himself, on a leash so like they watch him, but he sees a girl, in a pretty sundress and he wants her, she's his and that what she becomes for one day out of the year. And she caters for his every need because she's sees the broken man he is.

After he's free from Hydra, he doesn't come for a couple years until he shows up at her door not as soldat but as Bucky and they rekindle their love, and he makes love to her for the first time as himself 😌👀

Remembering Her

HOW DARE YOU? I hurt myself and then put myself back together again. This is absolutely not my best but I found it in my drafts and had to finish what you started Mina 🥲

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x F!Reader

Warnings: Angst, fluff, mentions of trauma and injury, memory loss/gain, vague descriptions of sex, comfort. 18+.

Word Count: 1k

All my works are 18+. If you click the read more tab, you are agreeing that you are 18 or over, have read the warnings and take responsibility for your own media consumption. I do not consent to having my work translated or posted anywhere else.

He remembers her.

The first time he inhaled the scent of her in the street last week, he remembered.

Flashes of what felt like memories, warmth flooding his gut and his heart clenching at the reality that it was never a dream.

The nights he'd wake up in cold sweats, a pretty face in his mind that he simply couldn't shake. She was real. She was real, and she was his.

"You can have me. Whenever you want me, I'm yours."

The words spin in his mind like a record he'll never tire of listening to. It took him a while to piece it all back together. He'd spent every night since he saw her laying awake on the living room floor, forcing himself to delve into the depths of his mind to find her.

To find their story.

It was painful. It was confusing. But it was the missing piece that he hadn't even realised he'd been looking for. The blank spots in his memory, the nights he'd spent being held in her soft embrace, the mornings that he'd have to tear himself away, not to return for another year.

Bucky wasn't sure why Hydra allowed it. Encouraged it, even. He'd take one day of peace out of 365. He'd take comfort in the fact for 8 years, someone, somewhere, cared for him.

Seeing her that day in the street brought it all back, watching from afar and basking in the kind smile she gave passers by.

It was like muscle memory, the way his heavy limbs carried him to her door, just as they had so many times before.

His feet are planted to the carpet in the hallway, standing outside her apartment wondering if she'll even remember him, and he takes a deep breath.

As he raises his fist to the door in front of him, he hesitates for a moment. Should he be here? Does she care like he thought she once did? Or would she take him in out of pity? Does she have a boyfriend? Maybe she was married. Maybe she had kids now.

Bucky takes a step back, shaking his head to himself, his balled up fist falling back down by his side.

She brought him peace. She brought him comfort and care during the most violent, abhorrent times. Maybe that's all it was ever supposed to be. A moment of reprieve during the worst of times.

It had been two years. Two years since Steve had found him. A lot can happen in two years. She looked happy when he saw her. She looked content. She looked beautiful.

She is grace, and warmth, and love.

She's everything he's not.

Bucky turns on his heel, shoving his leather clad hands deep down inside his jean pockets. He barely makes it ten feet before he hears the clink of a lock, the sound of a door opening behind him causing his feet to halt immediately.

"Is...is that you?"

She sounds just as sweet as he remembered. The scent of her gentle perfume consumes his senses, the sound of light footsteps behind him. She's so close. She's so close, and yet he can't bring himself to turn around.

A palm resting between his shoulder blades has him sucking in a deep breath. The kindest touch he ever felt was hers. He's sure of that now.

"I..I saw you on the television a while back. It's-it's James, isn't it?"

She says it like she hasn't been sprawled out beneath him whimpering for a feeling only his touch could bring, like it's the first time they've met. Bucky supposes, in a way, it is.

"I-", he starts, turning his head just a touch to the left, the shadow of her face in his peripheral enough to have his heart beating faster in his chest. "Bucky."

Her fingers reach for his hand, curling around his palm and squeezing them tight. He feels like he should apologise. Feels like he should say something. Anything. But he figures he's never been the conversationalist where she's concerned anyway.

"I just made dinner. Its only spaghetti, but I always make too much of that. I've got plenty."

Bucky remembers sitting at this table. He remembers the weight of her on his thigh while she patched his face up after a difficult mission. He remembers the way she kissed his eyelids as they fluttered closed at the feel of a docile touch.

"Did you know it was the same date? Every year, it was the same date. July 23rd." Bucky reaches for his glass of water, moistening his dry lips and contemplating the information.

He can't think why the date would be significant. He's not sure it was of any importance at all. "When I saw you on the television, I thought maybe I should reach out. But I-I didn't know how, and I figured you probably wouldn't even remember me."

She was right. He didn't. But of all the memories he's been forced to forget, she was one of the most precious. Bucky's said barely a word since he showed up out of the blue on her doorstep.

"I didn't," Bucky starts, his right hand trembling a little. "Remember you, I mean. They, uh, I wasn't allowed to--."

She's silent, and her facial features express patience. The quirk of her brow intrigues him. "What?"

"You have a beautiful voice. I've-I've never heard it before. Not like that." She looks down shyly at her plate, and Bucky feels his cheeks pinken at the realisation that she's probably never heard more than two words from him outside of her sheets.

Bucky's appetite hasn't been the same since 1943, but the spaghetti is delicious and she looks proudly across the table at his now empty plate. He doesn't know what to say, or how to act. He knows he wants to feel her.

He can't ignore the pull he feels towards her as he leans up against the kitchen arch, watching as she rinses off the dishes and places them in the washer.

She seems completely at ease in his company. She's not looking over her shoulder, her shoulders aren't tense, and she's humming the most beautiful tune Bucky's ever heard. She seems comfortable in his presence, and not even Steve has been as at ease as her.

He's drawn to her, and his feet are carrying him across the kitchen before his brain can kick in to stop them. He remembers the way she reached for his hand outside. The left one.

Bucky stops just a foot away from her, her head tilting to the side so she can look at him through her peripheral. He can see the faint trace of a smile at the corner of her mouth, and she straightens up and leans back just a little. Enough so that her back brushes against his chest.

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again," she whispers, reaching back with her left hand to grab his own, the two entwined down by their sides and her thumb brushing his vibranium knuckles reassuringly. "I'm glad you came back, Bucky."

He leans down to bury his nose into that soft spot behind her ear, inhaling the scent of patchouli and vanilla. It feels so familiar. So right. Every memory he'd had of Hydra was painful; torturous and cruel. But knowing that she was there, that little glimmer of sunlight in the vast darkness? It eased him more than anything else could.

Bucky remembers the passion. He remembers his lips on her skin, the way she whimpered at the feel of him opening her up. It's no different two years later, with her gentle hands caressing his shoulders and her soft thighs encasing his waist.

"Is this okay?" He asks, resting his elbows either side of her head and leaning down to brush his nose against hers. He's trembling, and a little unsure - but everything about her oozes calm. Especially when her palms cup his cheeks sweetly, pressing a kiss to his cupids bow.

"It's perfect, Bucky."

A/N: I no longer have a tag list, but if you want to keep up to date with what I post follow my sideblog, @sweetersficlibrary, and turn on alerts to be notified whenever I post something new 💕

[kim-seung-mo]

𝟚𝟜 ℍ𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕤 𝔸𝕗𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕐𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝔻𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕙 (ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕓𝕚𝕟 + ℍ𝕪𝕦𝕟𝕛𝕚𝕟)

♩ fem!reader for changbin and gn!reader for hyunjin, angst angst ANGST, crying and suffering, character death, dealing with grief, childbirth, dad!changbin, (probably an inaccurate representation of) depression (and so i won't go into detail), suicide, just a lot of pain

♩♩ word count: 3.9k (i'm so sorry)

♩♩♩ A/N: idk what to say anymore, i'm just sad...i did this to myself tho wip list here

Chan and Minho, Jisung, Felix

Changbin

(I know Stray Kids live separately now, but let's just pretend the other members still live together)

12:00 AM.

"Changbin...I'm sorry ......"

Those were the last words you said to him.

"Please don't say that baby...I......"

But you couldn't seem to hear him anymore.

Your tiny hand slid helplessly down from his palm.

The shrieking sound of the monitor filled the room.

The sound that symbolized the end of your life.

Changbin clutched your hand and pressed it tightly against his cheek, feeling the last of your warmth.

"Please don't leave me..."

He whispered.

1:00 AM.

"Changbin?"

After Changbin came out of the emergency room, Chan, who accompanied him to bring you to the hospital, hurriedly walks up to him.

"......"

Changbin lowered his head and didn't say a word.

"May I offer you a hug?"

Knowing that Changbin had just lost the most important person, Chan understood that there was nothing he could do except this.

But that's what Changbin needs more than anything else right now, besides you.

He broke down again, in his hyung's arms.

"This is all my fault......"

2:30 AM.

You weren't in very good health to begin with, when you got married, you told Changbin that you might not be able to give him a complete family.

He just laughed and shook his head, saying that having you was already a complete family.

For the first two years, the two of you were happy, the marriage was blessed by STAYs, you and he produced a few songs together and even sang a few songs together.

But one day in the third year of your marriage, you unexpectedly found out you were pregnant.

You originally thought you would be infertile for the rest of your life, so you saw this life that was conceived inside you as a gift from God.

Even though you knew your health was not very good, you insisted on keeping this child.

Changbin supported your choice, after all, it was your own body.

You were treated as if you were a fragile piece of china, Changbin refused to be more than three meters away from anywhere you went. Especially in the later months, he was like a personal pendant to you.

The other members of the Stray Kids were just as careful as he was with you.

Felix even offered to be the godfather of your child.

You laughed and agreed, even asking him to name your child.

What you didn't expect, and what he didn't expect, was...

That childbirth would be so difficult to handle.

3:30 AM.

The hospital wants to observe your child for a day and advised Changbin to go home and rest before coming back to the hospital in the evening to take him home.

Eventually agreeing, Changbin and Chan got into the car together and left.

3:50 AM.

"Come to the dorms, Changbin, I don't feel comfortable with you being home by yourself."

"......Okay, but I want to go back and pick something up."

4:30 AM.

Returning home alone made Changbin feel truly lonely for the first time in many years.

Closing his eyes and trying not to think about anything else, Changbin followed his body memory to your bedroom shuts the door behind him.

The bag you forgot to bring with you was still on the bed, the blanket was all messy and tossed around

Then he spotted the purpose of his return.

Filled with your scent, your pillow.

5:00 AM.

When Changbin entered the dormitory, the members in the living room, who were talking, quieted down.

It was dead silence.

By the look on their faces, they were already aware of what was going on.

It must have been Chan who informed them when Changbin went to get your pillow.

But that was not important to Changbin right now.

He just slowly bypassed everyone and dragged himself back to his dorm room.

He felt tired and sleepy, his heart heavy and stuffy, he didn't know how to let it out.

You used to tell him that if he ever felt sad or down, he could always come to you.

Because you would always be there for him.

You probably never thought about what he would do if you weren't there anymore.

Because he really didn't know what to do now.

12:00 PM.

He dreamed about you, you were walking in the opposite direction of him, you were getting farther and farther away from him.

He reached out to grab you, but he couldn't reach you.

He tried to take a step to catch up with you, but he couldn't move.

He wanted to call out for you, but he couldn't make a sound.

He could only watch you get farther and farther away from him, so far that he slowly lost sight of you.

12:30 PM.

Opening his eyes, the tears contained in Changbin's eyes flowed down.

"Changbin hyung, come out and have something to eat..."

At that moment Jeongin happened to walk into the room and whispered after seeing him wake up.

"What do I do......"

Changbin ignored Jeongin's words and spoke to himself.

"What the hell am I gonna do without Y/N ......"

1:00 PM.

Sitting at the dinner table, Changbin silently receives the stares from everyone.

He picks up his fork and puts it down again.

Picks it up, puts it down again.

He couldn't find a reason to eat.

It was Chan who finally broke the silence.

"Changbin...eat, we know you may not be in the mood...but even if it's for Y/N, you still have to eat."

Changbin's tears fell once again when he heard your name.

"Why couldn't I bear her pain for her......"

Felix stood up and ran away, probably because he didn't want Changbin to see him crying.

Hyunjin and Jisung also started sobbing.

Because of his words, the atmosphere immediately dropped to a freezing point.

To them, you were not only Changbin's wife, but also their family.

Losing you was the same as losing a family member.

3:00 PM.

After returning to his room, Changbin originally wanted to put on his headphones and listen to music for a while.

But when he picked up his phone and was about to choose a song, he suddenly felt he didn't want to anymore.

He didn't want music.

Leaning on the door, Changbin slowly slid down.

From next door came Felix's sobbing and Chan's voice comforting him.

"How can Changbin hyung live without Y/N noona? What are we going to do? What's gonna happen to him? To us? To Stray Kids?"

"Changbin is a strong person, he will pull through."

Him? Strong?

He'd rather never have to be strong.

He'd rather never have to be strong like this.

When you were there, he didn't need to be strong at all.

When you were there, he didn't feel any pain.

4:00 PM.

From overhead came a knock on the door, Changbin glanced down at his phone before realizing he had been sitting in the same spot for an hour.

"Changbin, I need to talk to you."

It was Minho's voice.

4:30 PM.

"I know it's a hard thing to accept, and it may take you a year, two years, five years, ten years, or even forever, but whether you accept it or not, you have to be strong."

"For the sake of Y/N, you need to be strong. For the sake of your children, you need to be even stronger."

"Do you understand? None of us will leave you, no one will. You'll always have us behind you."

Minho was not usually one to say such things, but at this moment, it was as if he had woken Changbin up.

Yes, he still has his brothers.

He still has the children you gave him with all your life.

Changbin stood up.

"I won't leave you guys behind either."

6:00 PM.

The hospital sent him a message saying that his baby was healthy and that he could take him home tonight.

Changbin looked at that message and for the first time, he broke into a smile.

After a day of being tormented by the news of your death and negative emotions, he was on the verge of even forgetting.

He was a dad now.

8:00 PM.

After dinner, the eight of them decide to go to the hospital together.

8:45 PM.

"Mr. Seo, come and meet your son."

Changbin felt the weight in his hand as he takes the tiny life from the nurse's hand.

Tears rushed to his eyes once again as he held the child in his arms carefully.

He was so tiny, only as big as his forearm, his eyes closed, sleeping sweetly.

Even after just one day of birth, he could see that the child very much resembled you.

Looking at the features on his face that resembled yours, Changbin smiled faintly.

"Hello, my little angel......"

9:00 PM.

The seven members came up after the nurse left.

Felix reached out and poked his cheek, the baby felt someone touching him and reached out to grab Felix's fingers.

Felix burst into tears as his heart melted, causing Jisung to laugh.

"I'm uncle Felix...your godfather..."

The other six members followed Felix's lead and introduced themselves.

The corners of Changbin's mouth lifted slightly as he looked around at the members, then lowered his head again.

"You are so lucky to have so many people loving and caring for you......"

10:00 PM.

After some more time in the dormitory with the baby, and after all the members had taken turns holding him, Changbin took the baby home, to your home.

Standing in the darkness in the house, it felt completely different from how it did in the morning.

What he had in his arms was now his brand new courage.

It is your gift to him, the most precious gift of all.

"Daddy will protect you for the rest of your life..."

As if in response to Changbin, the little baby coughed gently.

12:00 AM.

Taking out your previously saved breast milk from the fridge and putting it into a bottle, Changbin somewhat clumsily began to feed.

He has imagined countless times how you two will raise him together.

He had imagined countless times when your child grows up, the two of you sending him off together.

But now he is the only one left.

Gently leaving a kiss on the child's forehead, he smiled sadly.

"Don't worry angel...daddy will love you twice as much, along with mommy's share. Your seven uncles will always love you, too."

"So angel...grow up in peace and don't worry about a thing. Remember that mommy and daddy both love you so so much."

Hyunjin

12:00 AM.

He thought he could have saved you.

He thought if it was him, he could stop you.

He thought everything was conquerable if he loved you enough.

He thought if you loved him enough, you would stay for him.

He thought you would want a future together.

He thought......

12:30 AM.

"sleeping pill overdose", was the cause of your death.

He might have been able to save you if he had brought you to the hospital sooner.

If he had come home earlier and found you sooner......

Hyunjin held the letter that you held in your hand before you passed.

If only he had found you sooner...

He might, indeed, have been able to save you.

1:30 AM.

He didn't dare to go home, he would be reminded of that scene.

The way you were motionless, the silence without even the sound of your breath.

Your cold hands, your face losing its color.

The letter in your hand, your phone that had fallen aside.

He wouldn't be able to bear it.

He shouldn't have gone to the practice room.

You didn't look right this morning.

He should have stayed home with you.

He shouldn't have let you go to work.

He....he should have been there for you.

2:00 AM.

Hyunjin went back to the dance practice room.

2:45 AM.

You've never been a positive person, and he knew it.

But you were always smiling when you were with him.

Now that he thought about it, how many of those smiles were actually real?

How many of them were faked to get him to stop worrying about you?

When you reassured him that you were fine, how many times were you really fine?

Hyunjin was lying flat on the floor of the practice room, with the air conditioner blowing straight on his face.

He was cold...so cold.

Curled up into a ball, he unlocked his phone and turned it on.

Then he immediately sat up.

One missed call from: Y/N baby <3 Yesterday at 11:27 PM

One new voice message from: Y/N baby <3 Yesterday at 11:29 PM

Hyunjin faltered and clicked on the voice message that was only about 20 seconds long.

"Jinnie... I'm so tired... Really, really tired."

"I'm sorry, Jinnie, I love you, really... But I can't do it anymore."

"Jinnie, it's so hard to live."

3:30 AM.

How long has Hyunjin been crying? He doesn't remember anymore.

He only remembers that his heart hurt, that he was grabbing onto his hair so hard he could have pulled it out.

He cried until he lost his voice, but he couldn't stop, his tears kept falling like broken pearls.

It was as if he was trapped in a dark cage, he couldn't escape no matter what he did.

Finally, he got tired of crying, gave up struggling, and let his body fall to the floor. His head hit the floor and his whole body seemed to be drained of strength as he lay motionless. His hands hung down weakly, and for a second everything became quiet.

4:45 AM.

A figure walked up to Hyunjin, kneeled down, and gently stroked his hair.

The person's hands were soft and warm, Hyunjin felt a surge of comfort that he had never felt before.

He wanted to raise his hand to grasp the person's hand, he longed for them to give him warmth.

But he couldn't lift his own arm, he felt his strength draining away, his arm seemed to be out of his own.

The person covered Hyunjin's forehead with their own warm palm and gently stroked it, a tingling sensation rising upon his face.

He closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation.

He could feel it, it was your hand.

Even when struggling with depression, you were always giving selflessly to bring him warmth.

"Y/N... I'm sorry ...... If I could be with you more-"

Your finger pressed against his lips, silencing him.

"It's not your fault... Jinnie ......you blaming yourself for my death is the last thing I want."

He hears you murmur.

"If I loved you enough..."

"You loved me enough, and you were the one who gave me that little bit of light in the darkness of my life....Jinnie, thank you..."

Your hand seems to be disappearing.

Your voice, getting further away.

No...

Y/N......

Don't go......

He snapped his eyes open.

9:00 AM.

"Y/N!!!"

He screamed and held out his hand.

It was morning already, he could hear the birds chirping outside the windows.

The world without you still seemed to be functioning normally.

But nothing was the same for him.

He was drenched in cold sweat, hair sticking to his forehead.

With the events of last night, he felt sick and unpleasant, and exhausted, really exhausted.

If you were there...

You would not have resented him, you would have held him close and given him everything you could.

But it would be nice if you could share a little of that love for him with yourself.

10:00 AM.

After a full hour in the showers, Hyunjin returns to the dance studio.

The dream about you seems to be a little comforting to him.

He was more willing to believe that you really came to see him than believing that it was just "a lie he made up to comfort himself".

11:00 AM.

At eleven o'clock sharp, Minho and Felix pushed open the door of the practice room and saw Hyunjin, who was still sitting in the corner, holding the letter you left for him.

"Hyunjin, have you been up all night?" Felix asked with some concern.

"No, he went back earlier than me yesterday..." Minho came up to Hyunjin and squatted down, "Hey, are you okay?"

Hyunjin lifted his head, revealing the bloodshot eyes and the dark circles under his eyes.

"Hyunjin what's wrong?!" Felix could see the difference in Hyunjin even from where he was standing five meters away.

Hyunjin spoke dully, "Y/N..."

Seeing the letter in Hyunjin's hand, Minho tried to reach for it, not knowing this action would trigger Hyunjin.

Hyunjin immediately stood up at once and clutched the letter tightly in his arms with bitterness and despair in his eyes.

"Don't touch it! This is... This is what Y/N left for me ......"

This statement made Felix and Minho both a little confused.

"What's with Y/N?"

Hyunjin's lips trembled slightly, his pupils trembled along with him, and the tears that formed in his eyes once again fell, looking like an abandoned puppy.

"Y/N...Y/N doesn't want me anymore ........Y/N is gone, gone to a place, where I will never find them again ...... ever."

1:00 PM.

Hyunjin cried in Felix's arms for two hours straight.

He had thought all the tears had dried up yesterday, but more tears kept pouring up.

He stammered and tried to come up with a complete sentence to explain what happened yesterday, but was always interrupted by his own sobs, and in the end he could only come up with the phrase "but I still love them so much".

You have always been very introverted, and even after dating Hyunjin for so many years, you have never spoken much to his seven brother-like teammates. So what Stray Kids knew about you was all from the mouth of Hyunjin.

They didn't know anything about you, except that you were the love of Hwang Hyunjin's life.

Even if they didn't know you personally, everyone knew what you meant for Hyunjin.

3:00 PM.

Tired of crying, Hyunjin falls asleep.

While he was sleeping, Felix and Minho contacted the other members and informed them of what had happened.

With the unanimous decision of the seven members, Hyunjin was sent back to the dormitory.

What he needs now is, first of all, you. Second of all, rest.

4:30 PM.

This time when he woke up, Hyunjin was much calmer.

He clutched his legs.

He knew about your illness, he has known about it since long ago.

He has been with you through many treatments and seen many psychiatrists.

You used to seem to be getting better day by day, smiling a lot more often.

But since the beginning of the epidemic in 2020, everything seems to have gone back to square one.

Even though he was always at home with you, you didn't seem to be as happy as before.

He should have noticed earlier just how much the epidemic was affecting you.

6:30 PM.

Hyunjin looked at the letter in his hand and felt the weight of it.

Opening this letter, he might break down.

The last thing you left him, what will be written in it...

Will it be "I love you"?

If so, his heart will probably ache until he faints.

Will it be "I'm sorry"?

If so, he would probably regret it for the rest of his life.

He didn't have the courage to open it and face the fact that you are no longer there.

He just regrets.

He just keeps on regretting.

7:30 PM.

After being forced to eat by Chan and Changbin, Hyunjin went to the balcony alone, to have some time for himself, to calm down.

Looking at the night sky, he couldn't help but start thinking of you again.

You once said that his eyes glowed like the stars in the sky.

Does the fact that his eyes are full of you mean that you were now the stars in the sky?

Will you, now, be watching over him in the sky?

With a breeze blowing, his heart drifted away with the wind.

"Come see me often... even if just in my dreams, talk to me, let me sense you ......please..."

He reached out his hand, as if touching your face, and murmured softly.

"You will, won't you?"

10:00 PM.

It was getting cold so Hyunjin had to go back inside

He didn't expect to see Jisung in the living room.

Jisung patted the seat beside him and gestured for Hyunjin to sit down.

Knowing that this was his way of comforting him, Hyunjin complied with his wishes and took a seat next to him.

"I don't know Y/N very well, but I do know Y/N is a good person."

"My Y/N is the best person in the world."

He lowered his head and gave a bitter laugh.

"I don't know if you know, but you always have a smile on your face when you talk about Y/N."

"......"

"It was the thing I hated the most about you. Listening to you talk about Y/N. Every time their name is mentioned, you had this foolish smile on your face. I found it annoying, but at the same time, it got me wondering, who is this Y/N person that can make you smile so much?"

"Jisung..."

"Listen to me."

"......"

"It's the same when you talk to Y/N on the phone, when you video chat, when you send them a message, even just when you hear someone say Y/N's name. You see, it's this look you have right now."

Just hearing your name, Hyunjin unconsciously smiled.

"It's this look on you, this you who loves someone, that changed my mind about you."

Hyunjin's eyes widened slightly in some disbelief.

"If you loved someone like this, to this extent, you must not be a bad person."

"And that Y/N person who made you fall in love like that must also be someone as gentle as an angel."

Jisung was right, you were, and is now, an angel.

In the sky, free, without any worries, a pure and flawless angel.

If only you could be happier that way ......

"Thank you, Jisung ......"

"Don't thank me, thank Y/N, for making you a better person."

Hyunjin pursed his lips slightly and gave a small smile.

"Go rest, tomorrow is a brand new day."

Tomorrow is another brand new day.

12:00 AM.

After washing up, Hyunjin went back to his dorm room.

He sits on his bed and once again picks up the letter you left for him.

After holding it all day, the envelope was a little crumpled.

He smiled helplessly and slowly opened it.

You wrote it for him, why wouldn't he read it?

Taking a deep breath, Hyunjin unfolded the letter.

He was expecting a full page of words, or at least a few paragraphs.

However, you only wrote one sentence.

It was this one sentence that made Hyunjin couldn't help but smile.

"Love the world as much as I love you."

[sweetestlamb]

Flashlight

Author's note: Wasn't episode 8 just lovely? I just couldn't get this out of my head, they're becoming so dependent on each other. Be still my beating heart. They're reminding me of my MoonMun couple so much and I think that explains my obsession and the amount of fics I've written thus far lol.

Summary: Just for tonight he'll be selfish.

"Are you okay now? Is there someone there?" He moves towards the dark alley that she came bolting from looking as frightened as he's ever seen her. He feels his muscles coil ready to protect her by any means possible. But before he can move she's tightening her hold on him, clinging to him now he can feel her warmth all around him like a blanket.

"No! Don't leave me." Hearing that scared plea causes a blurry memory to resurface in his mind, he can almost feel the words swimming in his mind but the memory is foggy and it evaporates as quickly as it formed.

Strange.

"Okay, okay. I'm not going anywhere. Let's go inside." He starts to maneuver her toward her house at first she moves with him but then she stills, letting out a small sound of recollection.

"My phone." She whispers into his chest, they are pressed so closely he can feel her heartbeat still pounding through her chest into his. He strokes her back in a lazy soothing manner, shocked when she melts into his embrace further. Nothing is making sense at this moment but he doesn't care enough to stop, this.

"What about your phone?" He redirects the conversation and she continues, "I dropped it in there when I ran away."

"Okay. I'll go get it, wait here." He starts to gently untangle her hands from his flannel but she lets out a whine, gripping his shirt even stronger and moving with him.

"I'll---let's go together."

She's trembling now, positively shaking in her spot and he wants to argue with her to just go inside and wait for him but her earlier plea echoes in his ears. He can't leave her alone not right now, so he steps forward feeling her move with him, one step after another until he sees the rectangular object on the ground.

"I'm going to bend down to get it." He can feel her shifting beside him looking around wildly but thankfully no ominous figure appears, they are alone.

After a moment she nods, letting go enough for him to bend and retrieve the device and he checks the screen noting happily that it's not damaged but when he touches the screen it doesn't turn on so he tries again.

"It's dead. I forgot to charge it." She admits, taking the phone from his grasp.

He turns to her with a sharp stare, "You stayed out late after what happened and didn't charge your phone? Are you that fearless?" He chides, frustrated with her lack of awareness and disregard for her safety. If anything ever happened to her he would.... He would.......

"It wasn't on purpose. I didn't realize. I know it was irresponsible."

It's not a response he's expecting, the Hye Jin he knows would argue back, hardly taking shit from him ergo her meek uncharacteristic reply makes him feel worst, he shouldn't be blaming her especially after seeing first-hand how scared she is.

"Let's go inside now, it's cold and you're shaking." They both know the temperature has very little to do with her tremors but she doesn't disagree and carelessly he enters the code when they reach the door, ignoring the jolt in his chest that erupts as he enters his own birthday and the door clicks open. He thought she would have changed it by now.

He's grateful she hasn't.

They both take off their shoes, standing side by side now her arm around his waist and his around her shoulder. It's a small space and they can barely move but they work around it, reluctant to release each other.

"Thank you." Her voice is barely above a whisper, he thinks that he almost imagined it. He had an excuse prepared this time, he was merely patrolling and happened to pass her house. That was the lie he intended to go with, but something in her voice stops him from saying those deceitful words. He's tired of hiding and making up excuses for being around her.

"You're welcome. Here sit down, I'll make you some tea." Thoughtlessly he moves towards the kitchen, taking two steps until he can't move anymore. She's holding onto him tightly, he turns around looking at her small closed fists and then her trembling pretty face.

With a soft sigh, he takes her hand rubbing a thumb across the smooth skin.

"Just come with me." Immediately she steps forward pressing into his back, he tries to calm his heart taking the teapot and filling it with water, then he opens the cabinet retrieving a mug and setting it aside.

"I like honey. And a squeeze of lemon." He smiles at her soft demands.

Now that sounds more like his dentist. The bottle of honey is in her top cabinet and he grabs a fresh lemon from the fridge cutting it in half.

They stand silently as the water boils and he finally feels his anger boiling away as well. Angry that he was almost too late and that his town isn't safe anymore, angry that someone was able to shake this immoveable woman.

The shrill ringing of the teapot breaks him from his impasse, on autopilot he pours the water on the tea bag, then squeezes the honey in the steaming water, "I like a lot of honey." She's attached to his back her voice vibrating straight through him, he freezes when she wraps her arms around his waist. Her closeness is messing with his mind, but he tries to finish his job and get them on the couch maybe with some distance between them.

For his sanity.

"Let's go sit down." He grabs both mugs walking over to her couch, placing her cup on the far right and taking a seat on the far left putting a sea of distance between them. But immediately she sits down right next to him, leaving no space between them she might as well be in his lap. He squirms in place, standing up to get some reprieve but she grabs his hand staring up at him.

"Where are you going?" Fear bleeds into her voice and he lets go of his hesitations, tonight is not about him.

Leaning over he grabs her cup, tugging it closer.

"Nowhere, I'm not going anywhere. Drink your tea."

She blinks slowly at him before nodding and bringing the warm beverage to her lips. Her hum of satisfaction warms him all the way down to his toes.

"It's good. You really are good at everything." He preens at the compliment, thinking of all the times this week he wasn't needed or was cast aside for Director Ji. He's been swallowing his jealousy all week. So her words fill a hollow space in his chest.

He watches her drink the entire cup, ignoring his own growing cold on the table.

"I need to charge my phone." She suddenly says and he stares before nodding, taking the opportunity to drink his lukewarm tea. But then he notices that she's not moving despite having the phone and charging in her hand.

"What's wrong?" He raises an eyebrow in confusion.

She looks embarrassed now, unable to meet his eyes and he's flabbergasted at her reaction.

"Come with me?" He stares at her, feeling the same pride bloom as when she sat next to him instead of her sunbae, she's leaning on him.

He spots an outlet across the room, "Okay let's go there." She looks relieved at his lack of teasing, together they walk over to the outlet and she bends to plug in the charger and puts the phone on the ground.

In seconds the phone comes to life and he feels a sharp pain in his chest as a barrage of messages light up her phone, the majority from one person. When she clicks to open the message he instinctively looks away, not wanting to witness their conversation.

"He messaged so much." Her voice is filled with awe and childishly he moves away. He'd almost forgotten that she didn't actually need him. He was just conveniently there.

"I should go now. You're safe. Make sure to come home earlier from now on, maybe ask him to walk you home." It hurts to utter those words but it's easier than being replaced later, it's okay if he's the one that pushes her away first. "I'll see myself out."

He stands ready to leave, pointedly not looking back before he changes his mind and stays forever.

She was just scared, tonight didn't mean anything.

He grabs his fallen bagpack thrusting it on his shoulder, hopping into his boots all ready to head out. But it's unusually quiet, the silence is so deafening that he can't stop himself from looking back over at her. It's a mistake, a huge one at that. The phone has fallen from her hands, abandoned to the side and she's looking at him with the most desolate stare he's ever seen, moisture pooling in her huge round eyes.

"What's wrong? Why are you cry--"

"You said you wouldn't leave me. Why are you changing your mind? What if someone is still there? What am I supposed to do without yo--u?" Her voice cracks on the last word and his heart follows, she needs him. Nobody else has this week but here she is breaking down because he tried to leave, she needs him.

His decision is made for him in that moment.

As soon as he's close enough to touch she's clinging to him once again, he only absently realizes that she's trying to lead them to her bedroom but even he's not saintly enough for that so he stops her.

"Let's go to the couch. You'll feel more comfortable."

She doesn't question him seemingly happy to follow his lead.

The couch is comfy but definitely not intended for two grown adults, leaning over the arm rest he tries to get situated and once he stops moving she's snuggling into his side curling around him like a cat.

"Whenever I was scared, my mom used to stroke my hair."

He stares at the wall in front of them, wondering if she's aware of just how many lines they're crossing tonight- no catapulting over. But he's tired of second guessing himself so he stops thinking and just listens, bringing the hand that is curled on her shoulder up to her head before dragging his palm down her soft hair, gulping when she moans at the ministrations.

Her breathing starts to deepen and he feels her body losing its tension, she's falling asleep and once she succumbs he can finally make his escape, that's his plan. But he doesn't expect her to start stroking him too, her hand delicate on his chest.

"You've worked hard. Stopping a scammer and saving me all while recovering from a cold."

It's nothing. It's what he's supposed to do.

But it feels so good to hear those words, words that he hardly heard growing up.

"Go to sleep." He says instead of thank you, instead of kissing her like he's wanted to since he saw her outside and she ran straight into his heart.

It's a miracle but she listens to him, drifting to sleep her head heavy on his chest and he knows that he should wait a few minutes and try to extract himself but he can't, not tonight. Just for tonight he'll be selfish.

"You're making me want all sorts of things." He whispers to her sleeping face, terrified of her and all that she makes him feel. Feeling emboldened by their almost kiss initiated by her, he pushes her hair behind her ear taking a second to really looking at her face. She really is that beautiful. It doesn't seem fair. Leaning down he presses a soft kiss to her forehead, her skin is sleep warm and perfectly smooth. He presses a second one shamelessly. Her lips are right there and heavens knows that he's tempted but he can't take advantage, can't bring himself to do anything else. That's enough.

He doesn't know when he fell asleep but he wakes up to Mi-seon throwing a blanket over them, he keeps his eyes tightly shut mentally berating himself for that leaving when he had a chance.

"Just friends my ass. Just admit that you like him, look at the way you're clinging to him."

Somehow they traversed further down the couch in their sleep, both laying horizontal now with her body on top on his and her head tucked under his chin.

"I've never seen her sleep so peacefully though. She looks so young."

He tries not to think too deeply into what that might mean, listening to the retreating footsteps of her roommate and feeling himself losing the battle with sleep. She'll probably be embarrassed to find them this way tomorrow but that's a hurdle for another day.

Just for tonight I'll hold her. Until I'm not allowed to hold her anymore.

[fleurlia]

here is part two of this.

[7:13 pm] for all the phases you have been through in the past few months, all of them were disastrous. a couple of months after jeno has told you about his proposal karina and he appears with new rings, explaining to everyone how both just choose to make things more swiftly and not wait until graduation.

you already knew it but that didn't stop you from spending at least twenty minutes crying pathetically in the ladies' room.

certainly when you thought things couldn't get any worse, believe me, they did. you were convinced for the moment karina asked you to help her choose the dress. again, you couldn't blame anyone against yourself.

renjun and donghyuck stood next to you, holding their laughs as she was asking for help in the most loving way. just for when she was gone the duo were shouting loud and attempting to comfort your poor heart. following that, you saw yourself sat there watching karina trying on more than a thousand wedding dresses, for getting married to the love of your life.

it would be easier to hate her if she was a bitch and 20% less attractive. you thought.

and talking about him, you couldn't even hold his gaze without looking weepy and bitter. your friendship existed only by devices, which you believed would be turned off the moment he said yes to her.

after a year of planning and torture, the big day has arrived and even though you have created every possible excuse, none seemed good enough to not going to your best friend's wedding. including a sweet smile, your mom comforted you as you got ready for the wedding, holding up tears and making yourself at least looking attractive on the worst day of your life. you asked more than once for your mother to be merciful and to fake an accident but she keeps telling you how could you get over it if you didn't see "the dead body".

instructed to stay at least a few minutes late, you made everything possible to be delayed. not wanting to arrive and have to deal with the reception and face the bride and groom. not craving to deal with the fact that if you held more than five seconds alone with jeno, you would presumably tell him the truth that was stuck in your throat. then when you arrive everyone was already at the ceremony, your entry causing a small noise that drew attention. jeno's eyes catching yours immediately.

the couple looking supremely beautiful, like always. the dress that karina and you have picked just not fits her but makes everyone around her look poorly ugly. oh my god, i hate myself so much. that was the only thing going through your mind.

sitting down next to renjun, he sends you a glance. "it's almost ended, i thought you were not coming."

"as if i were that lucky"

he chuckles but gently takes your hands. even though you said more than a thousand times that you didn't want anyone feeling sorry for you, he tried his best to make things a little better.

while the minutes started to grow, your mind stopped a few more every time that ceremony got close for the "yes". holding up every tear you possess in your body, you almost failed as the old lady next to you smile in your direction and whispered;

"what are you from the groom??"

"i... i am his best friend, since freshman year at college."

"oh, that's why he is looking right here all the time."

quietly you agreed with her, not even daring yourself to look up and catch all of his stares. the moments pass with you staring to anywhere, you couldn't even look at them without feeling your chest squeeze in sharp pain.

"so lee jeno, do you take this woman as your wife to lover her, respect her, and looking for her?"

wishing to not stand there or even existed, you were close to starting to crying but renjun squeezed your hands and all that people heard at next was; "yes, i do."

lee jeno, the love of your life just got married... but it's was not whit you.

later on, — this including the time you spent crying and sobbing in the car — you were supposed to go to the celebration and that's is what you did as a supportive friend.

the first hour was going like a blink, you have to pretend so much happiness that the idea of the newlyweds just got blanked out of your mind. it was the last straw when jeno's sister approached you with a gentle smile, you could feel her pity just by the look on her face and you felt even more miserable when she said it in a low tone: ''i always thought that on a day like today, you would be my new sister.''

that hurt so much.

the rest of the night passed like a blur, a slow and painful blur. you had taken so many pictures and you were sure that you looked ridiculous in the picture with the bride and groom, donghyuck and renjun were there to support you but your false happiness was quickly destroyed by jeno's stares.

almost at the end of the celebration, everyone full of the food and tired from the dancing, people decided it was time for the speeches and in the crowd of invited people you hid behind your friends. if by any chance the universe hated you that much you would be chosen to give some words and you were ready to make a whole speech based on rose's in "love, rosie". it would be tragic.

karina's mother said beautiful words to the couple and praised jeno so much that you at that moment felt happy for him. many relatives passed by, all of them talking about how perfect they were for each other and at end wishing them happiness. you felt like a jealousy bitch at every second.

almost at the end of all your torture, you already agreed that renjun or one of his friends would take you home because you didn't even want to talk, it was the newlyweds' turn to speak. karina sounded so perfectly in love with every word she spoke out. you were thankful to be far away from the couple because your stomach flipped as you watched jeno stand up, straightening his suit and black hair.

you were about to get up and walk away, not wanting to hear about how much he loved her and was grateful to be married to her but after a second thought, you knew you would draw pitying and pitiful glances in your direction.

"i can give you more than a thousand and one reasons about how i ended up here, married to karina." his soft voice echoing throughout the room. "one of them is because sometimes... we don't notice that what we need is right under our noses. sometimes we even notice... but only a few people dare themselves to confess their love to that person.'' at that point nobody else understood where he was getting at with that speech. just like all evening, you didn't attempt to look at him and be unlucky enough to find him also watching you.

''one more reason why we are here, on this particular night, is that maybe i took too long to realize, waited for too long. i wish i could confess this earlier because... deep down i always knew it was you. the love of my life and my best friend.''

something inside of you clicked. back when you started to date, jeno looked you up one day and you fought, he was just being jealous that your then-boyfriend also claimed to be your best friend and you didn't say anything, the point is that he would never call karina his best friend. on that day, both promise never forgets about their besties and never, never calling anyone ''best friend''.

nobody knew about that.

"if... if i could only go back in time... maybe i would tell myself how i should confess to you.'' you looked up, getting his gaze. you stood surprised when you noticed that his eyes were tearing up. ''if only i had known that we would be here today. i never would have let your lips leave mine years ago, on new years'. i never should have walked away. i never should have panicked. i never should have lost all those years without you... because i've realized that no matter where you are or what you're doing, or who you're with, i will always honestly, truly, completely love you.''

you couldn't believe in your damn bad luck.

you couldn't discover what was more pathetically tragic. the fact that karina would watch the video of her wedding in the future and see her husband confessing his love to someone who wasn't her. or the fact that jeno had chosen his wedding day to acknowledge that he loved you.

karina never kissed him on new year's, their first one was in a cinema. only you did, once in your second year as friends. you two never spoke about it.

karina didn't like romantic comedies, she was a literature major and only liked movies that was focussed on classics. you did. you had made jeno watch "love, rosie" so many times that you both knew the script.

with tears rolling down their cheeks, the two of you stared at each other for what seemed like hours. he loved you too. you both now knew about the other's love. inaudibly while you wiped your tears you both agreed that; maybe in another time, another life, we were meant for a happy ending. but not here, not at this moment.

but it didn't matter, only you two knew how much you loved each other and always would.

ok guys, sorry for making this so long and for any mistakes. let me know if you wanted to me doing scenarios, reactions or timestamps or even let my asks open for requests.

[moon-lixie]

about a letter left to be found and a boy who disappeared into thin air.

word count: 2.046k

genre: slight angst

song: 말할 수 없는 비밀 (Secret Secret) - Stray Kids

I don't think any of you would be able to understand, not even if I sit down and speak all of my truths. Still, I think I owe an explanation.

With trembling hands he gathered his things, the notebooks filled with dreams spilling from the edges of every page, his favourite hoodies, the pair of bright red headphones he had since the beginning of high school.

From the open window a cold breeze came in and ruffled the slightly damp hair of the boy, paying special attention to the ends that were still clamped together due to the dampness.

He wasn't exactly in a hurry, but he still felt nervous and anxious, because even if it was almost impossible, at the back of his mind he was haunted by the idea of someone coming in and stopping him.

Moving quickly he reached down for the towel hanging around his shoulders and ruffled his hair a couple of times more until he felt satisfied.

First of all, I have no idea where I am going but know that I'm fine.

A loud sigh caressed his lips as it escaped, filling the room that he had always called his own, his little world nobody could disrupt because in between the forgotten comics and the piles of clothes sprawled here and there he had felt more at home than he has ever felt anywhere else.

Throwing the towel to the basket of dirty laundry at the end of the hallway, he finally finished everything he had to do, simply being left with staring at himself in the mirror and fixing the wild strands of hair that had been upset by the freshly washed hoodie hugging his torso.

He could barely muster a smile at his reflection, not because he was sad, but because it all felt surreal in a sense that left him wondering if it was still the middle of the night many years ago and the last years had been nothing but the hopeful dreams of his younger self.

Maybe it's a bit selfish of me to simply leave without a warning, but please understand that I want much more than this place could ever offer me.

He closed the front door of his house, locking it with the pair of keys his mother had given him once he turned twelve; they were still held together by the Pororo keychain he had bought one day after school with such an overwhelming excitement that made the memory pull at the corners of his lips.

It felt bizarre to walk away from the entrance of his home knowing that he was never really going to come back, that this was the last time.

Just like the very first time he had arrived there along with a moving truck packed with boxes and furniture, he felt breath leave his lungs at the sight of the white façade. It made him stop for a second and contemplate in utter silence.

Goosebumps coated the length of his arms once he turned around and kept moving forward at a steady pace, leaving his old bike behind as well.

Know that the decision to leave wasn't made in a haste, I've been thinking about it for long and now just seemed like the perfect time.

Mr. Kim lazily waved in his direction, gentle smile and downturned eyes with the familiar brown that reminded Jisung of his grandfather; maybe that's where he would go next, to visit his grandfather.

Without much thought he returned the sweet and familiar greeting, feeling a bit nostalgic when he thought back to all the summers that he had spent working with the man in his garden.

Back then a young Jisung had been happy to make a few bucks while getting to stay out all day in the yard playing with bugs and with the sun kissing the skin of his chubby cheeks and legs that weren't covered by his favourite pair of green shorts.

He couldn't help but wonder where had all that time run to because despite being the one who lived through it, he could barely make sense or when had he ended up where he was.

Time moved too fast and without a warning, it left everyone wondering.

It isn't easy to leave my whole life behind but it feels right, the mere idea makes me feel lighter because who knows who I'll get to be when I get to the end of my journey.

Perhaps I'll be braver, a little bit smarter, more mature, maybe even a couple of centimetres taller.

He could walk the streets with his eyes closed and still know where every bump and crack was in the sidewalk, he could still point where his old school was, where the closest convenience store stepped in his way and as usual tempted him to buy a snack even on those days were his pockets were empty and his tummy full.

From there he knew his way to everywhere else in town, he even knew how long it would take him to get to said places on foot or with his trusty bike.

It all felt too easy and familiar, too comfortable, and those things weren't bad at all but Jisung thought he had had enough of them. He craved discovering himself inside the walls of another place so foreign that every single one of his truths were only known by himself.

Was it silly? That he thought a change of scenery would make him a new person, one much more alike to who he truly was.

Sometimes talking to someone isn't enough, because you don't think they'll understand, you know they won't. That's why I never said anything about the deepest desires looming in my heart or the biggest fears that tied me down for as long as I can remember.

All the interrogations running leaps around his mind made him walk faster, filling him with the same dreadful excitement he felt every first day of school, one that mixed with nervousness and fear.

He wasn't sure if starting fresh would let him be someone whose fears didn't weigh upon his heart so harshly, he wasn't sure if he would get to be the person he had always wished he could be but he could only hope.

Hope had been what drove him this far and today he was giving it full control of where his feet moved to, control over how his next day would look like or where he would wake up the next day.

Never in his life had he felt more ready to wander around by himself.

But I guess, since I'm going, it's only fair that I try to sit down and talk to someone, hoping that they will understand even if my words are scarce and there will be nobody to talk back to at the end of this letter.

On the horizon the sun rushed to slumber, leaving a comforting lilac pooling around the clouds and making them stand out even more.

Night hovered over his shoulders making him breathe with much more ease because if there was something that portrayed hope and tomorrow with an uncanny resemblance and lack of effort, it was the night sky with its endless stars and its shining moon.

In his childhood days he had discovered that there was no better cure for uncertainty and a nostalgic heart than staring up at the night sky; there was something about it that made him feel like time stopped for an instance, that time wasn't quite as unforgiving while the veil of darkness covered everything.

If he could go anywhere he wanted —which he was already doing— he would wish to go to the sky, not the endless and uncertain space, but the idea of the sky that humans have in their ignorance, a canvas that goes no further than our eyes can see.

Ever since I can remember I've felt like there was a place for me somewhere out there, a place I always called home without knowing what it really was.

It wasn't like I didn't feel at home here, there was just a feeling in my chest that told me out there I could feel completely free in the way I've always craved.

For him it had always felt unfair, how everyone got to live and walk around without the things that kept him back. Of course when he grew older he understood that everyone had their own problems but sometimes that was easy to ignore when one's own darkness loomed around their heart.

He had spent many years wishing, praying to whoever was listening, that he could just be himself without the voices in his head and the uncertainties that made every single one of his steps be cautious.

Nobody seemed to have listened as years went by and things got harder, still, he never gave up and even though he could never really say that there was nothing else bothering him he could at least say that he had everything under control.

If time is unforgiving it also is healing, and for him it had healed many wounds that couldn't be seen.

Unknowingly I spent a lot of time wanting to go to that place, craving to find where it was.

Some years ago I understood that it perhaps wasn't a place but a version of myself that could bring such soothing feelings. That's where I'm going to, that's why I have no destination.

He wanted to believe that nothing had been planned, that his savings carefully stuffed at the bottom of his backpack had just been him being responsible about his money and having enough for the impulsiveness that one day had won over reason and had driven him to this adventure.

He wanted to pretend but it was stupid to do now, there was nobody around to judge him or question his motives, so there was no use in not being honest with himself.

Thinking back to all those evenings spent running around the small restaurant in which he had found a job, he could see that perhaps this plan had been many years in the making.

Unconsciously he had always been hoping for a moment like this, a moment of unadulterated freedom.

Hopefully I do get there, hopefully I get to be happy and everyone I left behind does too.

The journey to happiness, to authenticity, to being unapologetically himself, had taken him to the airport, another thing that wasn't as spontaneous as he had tried to make it seem.

Passport in hand and trembling self, the whiteness of the place and the various people walking back and forth made him realise that this was really going on, he was really leaving.

For the first time in his life overthinking had no place in his plans.

I wish to be who I am meant to and disappearing was perhaps the thing I had always been destined to do. A boy who disappeared into thin air, that's who I am, a boy with secrets that weigh down on my heart and that I'm unwilling to carry with me on this journey.

Approaching the desk he was met with a young woman, in her mid twenties or early thirties, sweet but practised smile covering her lips as she recited the words that he must've learned a long time ago when she first started working there.

"I want a ticket for the next flight available," Jisung said, offering a reassuring smile after the confused look the woman gave him.

He looked around as the sounds of typing filled his ears and before he had time to start regretting something the ticket had been placed on his palm and his savings were short by a considerable amount.

I'm afraid that wasn't much of an explanation but it was my truth.

Good luck and see you whenever we're meant to cross paths.

The last thing he saw before falling asleep were the clouds from above and the sky now completely dark like the many nights he had wondered where he belonged.

Now he had an answer, he belonged wherever he felt free and right then in that comfortable plane seat he felt the freest he had ever been.

[animatedrapture]

RINTOBER: [to love and to be loved ]

suna rintarō x gender neutral reader

tags: fluff, comfort, established relationship, slight angst, mentions of feeling unwanted and sadness. reader feeling the bigsad™️

word count: around 1k+

a/n: didn't proofread ): queued. hope this is turned out alright. like, i suck at writing fluff and it shows shows ;( almost sure i flopped suna's characterization here and idk why.

Suna always thought that he was good at memorizing things—it was an advantage brought about by his observant nature.

But there's something about you today that's not clicking in his head; there was a wall put up around you that he can just feel, like you're locking yourself inside an invisible space you wouldn't let even him get through.

He lets it slide during lunch. There's only very few things that can unsettle Suna, but perhaps something he'll forever dislike is how absent you feel when you're actually sitting in front of him. It's not like you were the loud type, nor were you like him—mostly silent and apathetic, but you weren't usually like this either. You seemed ghostly, Suna never would've thought he'd be so unsettled by it.

In fact, he was so unsettled that it urged him to pull you in his arms right before he lets you go back to your class after lunch. Nevermind that you were in the hallways still littered with people, or that it was uncharacteristic of him to express such affection in public. He keeps you in his arms long enough for your tensed body to melt into his before he squeezes your hands, a silent notion to let you know he's going back to his class, and then lets you go.

Maybe it's because he knows that he doesn't have you all figured out in his head, he doesn't know what to do when you're simultaneously there but also not. He doesn't have every inch of you memorized in his head and that makes him fail from knowing that he shouldn't have let it slide during lunch.

Suna curses in his head after class when Kita walks up to him, telling him that you'll go ahead for today instead of waiting for Suna until after their volleyball practice like you usually would. Kita doesn't question it any longer when he doesn't see Suna in practice. Your odd demeanor when you approached him earlier was enough to let him know what Suna was bound to do.

You were about to fumble for your keys but the door was open when you came home. It took you a longer walk than usual today, you felt exhausted—not even in a physical sense but more so in a sense where breathing is hard and functioning is difficult. You don't understand what clicked in you today that made you just want to disappear, if even for a moment; you felt like you could vanish from this earth, cease to exist, and it wouldn't matter—the sun would continue to rise and fall, all the planets would continue to orbit around it, everything would follow through as it always did.

God, how you wanted to just tell someone—anyone what was wrong, how you just wanted to be held for the longest time and find a speck of comfort from whatever pit you've fallen into. You couldn't, though, and you hated it so much. You hated how you felt like a bother for even the most miniscule of movement you make, the smallest sound you'd create.

But when you push open your door to find your boyfriend, Suna, already there and staring at the door as if he's been waiting for you—it's like the cogs in your head slowly started to turn backwards in an attempt to redo how it's been moving.

"Hey."

"Rin? What are you—? You have practice…"

You watch him from your own doorstep as he makes his way towards you, watch him pry your bag from your hands and pull you inside, pushing the door closed.

Your question remains unanswered as he brings you to your room, placing your bag to where you usually would, helping you out of your school blazer. Then, he pulls you to your bed along with him, placing you between his legs, your back pressed against his chest.

It's his own, unspoken question that lingers in the air after that. What's wrong?

Suna leans in and rests his chin on your shoulder. You can feel his arms around you hold you closer, providing so much warmth you didn't know had been slowly dissipating out of you the past few days.

"I—" you try to speak, only to wince at the crack in your voice. You grit your teeth as you feel hot tears forming from the corners of your eyes.

"'s okay, baby. Take all the time you need," he murmurs. You feel him press his lips to your shoulder, as if to comfort you.

"I… Feel disgusted with myself, Rin? Feel like… I ask too much of you—? Take? Too much of you," you choke in a sob. Suna swallows a lump in his own throat that grows from the words you tell him.

"I-I feel like… I've been too clingy with you? Like… D-do—do you want me around? I feel-I feel like I'm being stupid for feeling like this but I just—" you feel him shake his head. Your tears continue to fall, staining your cheeks with its tracks. 

"I feel like… I shouldn't be around, y'know? I don't understand it but I just–I feel like no one would want me around?" your words come out in between sobs, in the same uncertain tone, trying to find the right words to string together.

"I love you, y/n," his voice comes out thick and coarse, like he's struggling to wrap his head around how you've been feeling and what he should do about it.

"'m sorry, Rin. I shouldn't be burdening you with—" You feel him flinch against you.

Suna gently lifts you from between his legs to sit on his lap, cupping your cheeks to make you face him. His eyebrows were furrowed, a small frown on his lips, and he shakes his head again.

"You're never a burden to me, baby," he tilts his head, sighing, "I want you around, always. Want you near me, always. 'm not sure if you're clingy 'cause I love you exactly as you are, yeah?"

You only stare at him, dumbstruck, "I'm not sure what's going on in that pretty little head of yours but 'm always gonna be here for you, y/n. Always gonna love you, always gonna hold you for as long as you need, always gonna want you around, yeah?"

When you don't answer, biting your lip as your tears continue to fall, he brings his lips to your forehead, offering a lingering kiss. Then, he mutters, "Please tell me you believe me."

You never heard him so worried, so concerned before. You nod fervently, "I believe you, Rin."

Suna lets out a sigh of relief, his hand stroking your hair. "You can tell me whenever you feel like this, yeah? 'm right here, I'm not going anywhere."

You nod. "I love you, Rintarō."

"I love you, y/n," Suna's reply was immediate.

"Even if I'm a bit too much sometimes?"

You hear him scoff, pulling back to look at you. He flicks your forehead, "You're never too much for me. I mean, who else is gonna want to always hold my hand and nap with me?"

You pout at him, "Like, a ton of other girls!" You answer him, emphasizing the amount.

He rolls his eyes at you, pulling you closer to him, "They're not you."

You let out a loud laugh, a laugh that resonates in his own chest and eases his worry. "That's so cheesy, Rin!"

"You're cheesy."

"Nu-uh."

"Just shut up and let me love you, y/n."

You smile. As if he didn't already make you feel like the luckiest person in the world to be loved by him. It's absolutely ridiculous how simply being in his arms was reassurance enough, ridiculous how he tried his best offer you what you needed when you needed it—even when it's usually so out of character for him.

But maybe that's what you're missing—knowing that Suna Rintarō loved you like the heavy water currents of the deep sea, loved you like no novel of love penned in history would have the ability to express.

"Only if you'd let me love you, Rin."

There's a chuckle that erupts from his throat, the corners of his lips curling to a smile.

Of course he would let you—as if he would have it any other way.

[headinthestaticsky]

Frozen Within the Night Wind: Jasper Hale x Fleur Swan, Chapter 5

None of the characters in Twilight belong to me, all rights go to Stephenie Meyer!

"Home is where I want to be Pick me up and turn me round I feel numb, born with a weak heart So I guess I must be having fun"

This Must Be the Place by, Kishi Bashi

I stormed off, too mad to talk to anyone, I wanted to get to her... to get her to feel the frustration I had felt. But it seems something would get in my way. I shouldn't be doing this right now... I should be sitting with Rosalie and Alice talking about wedding plans. I should at home with my father, sitting outside in the backyard and talking with him. I wanted to spend eternity with Jasper but, I didn't want to turn so soon... It felt like someone had come by and punched a hole straight through my chest or swept the rug out from under me when I least expected it. It felt like I had no control of my body whatsoever. I heard the footsteps of someone else approaching me slowly, I whipped my head around to see Rosalie staring at me.

"Hey, honey."

"Hey..."

"We'll get her soon Fleur..."

"It's not just that, I'm just frustrated, about a lot of things."

Well, I'm here to listen."

"It's all just too much right now... I mean from 4 days ago to today everything just... changed so quick... I went from driving home to my dad to chasing after a psychotic, revengeful, woman. I mean...I planned on going to a creative arts school after I got married..."

"I felt the same way when I first turned...I remember the things I wanted, how comfortable I was in my life. And then I was left in the street for dead and turned into something I didn't have a choice in doing."

"I just...feel like I don't know who I am anymore...I can't even cry if I wanted to."

"You'll get control of yourself eventually...You just need a little guidance."

"I gotta stop moping... it won't help me at all."

"C'mon let's get back to the house before Jasper uproots every tree trying to find you." Rosalie joked and held out her hand for me to help me up.

Timeskip: 1 week later

The 2 weeks of my "vacation" were up, and Bella had just come home from spending time with Renee in Jacksonville. It turns out, Bella had gotten pissed with Edward over him not telling her Victoria was looking for her. So she took off with Jacob back down to the reservation. I also found out through Emmett that some tension was going on between Jacob and Edward... over Bella. Jasper and I were playing a game of chess... I rubbed my eyes quite frequently as I had just started to wear contact lenses. Emmett meanwhile was watching a football game. Edward had run into the house with a concerned look on his face.

"What-" I started

"There was an intruder... in Bella's house." Jasper and I shot up, already making our way down to Jasper'ss car. We both got inside when Jasper looked at me with concern and grabbed my hand.

"Are you sure you can do this? It's might be hard being around your father in this state."

"I'll be fine... besides, I can distract dad while you guys search the house," I said.

"I don't mean to constantly remind you of how unpredictable you can be I'm just... worried."

"I take no offense to it, my love"

The drive to the house was quick, being a vampire whose tracking abilities were getting better meant that I found the fastest routes to each location I was going to. As soon as I pulled up in the driveway my dad ran out, a huge smile was plastered on his face.

"Fleur! I missed you so much!" He said, running up to me.

"I missed you too dad, Canyon City Oregon is great!"

"Jasper told me you were thinking about going to an art school around the area."

"Oh yeah I was but, I think I'm going to say here for a little while longer."

"You don't have to stay here because of me you know."

"Dad, I would miss you too much to leave now." He smiled and then pulled me in for a hug. I breathed in slightly...his blood didn't seem to... alluring to me.

"Thank god." I thought to myself... I might be able to stay here a bit longer. I turned slightly to Jasper, he was smiling at us but I could tell he was shocked with how well I was doing.

"Do you two want something to eat?" He asked.

"No, we ate something before we came down here," Jasper stated.

"We'll come on in you two."

After we sat and caught up on everything that happened on my "vacation" Jasper had made an excuse to use the bathroom to investigate where the intruder might've gone.

"So... how's wedding planning going?" Dad inquired.

"It's going good, Rose and Alice have been helping me out a lot... it's definitely going to happen in the woods."

"That'll be nice."

"Yeah...and I planned on moving out after the wedding."

"Yeah, I know... it's just going to be weird, not having you here all the time."

"It'll be weird for me too... heck being away for 2 weeks was strange for me... But don't worry dad, I'll always be around."

He looked over at me and smiled. Before he could say anything else, the front door swung open. Bella came stomping into the house but stopped when she saw us.

"What are you doing back here?" She inquired, her voice wasn't very welcoming.

"Nice to see you too, I just got back from Oregon Bella...I do live here still."

"Wish you would've stayed down there." She mumbled to herself.

Dad heard her and gave her a glare.

"Oh don't worry about it dad... I've gotten used to it."

Jasper walked back into the room and his face looked confused.

"Well, it was good to see you again Chief Swan but I better get back to my place. My family is eager to see me as well."

"Good to see you again Jasper, have a goodnight."

"Goodnight sir."

Jasper pecked my lips before leaving the house.

"I better get to bed dad, I'm tired. Goodnight."

"Love you, goodnight."

As soon as I made it up to my bedroom I locked the door and opened my window, I jumped out and ran back to the Cullen's house. I had to admit...being able to travel quickly and efficiently was a plus side to being a vampire. When I made it back to the Cullen's house they were all sitting with Bella in the lounge room. She must've gotten Edward to take her down here. Jasper and Emmett were missing, however.

"So...is it someone we know?" I asked.

"No, I couldn't recognize it." Edward replied.

"So it was a nomad passing through?" Esme inquired.

"I don't think so Esme... I don't think it would've kept my father alive." I added.

"She's right... it would've killed Fleur's father."

Jasper walked in with Emmett.

"The scent disappeared 5 miles South of Bella's house," Jasper said.

"Fleur, have you tracked Victoria at all?" Carlisle asked.

"Wait... that's your power?" Bella interrupted.

"One of them... and yes I have, she isn't anywhere near our house right now and she wasn't before either."

"Besides, I would've seen it." Alice added.

"It has to be the Volturi." Edward suggested.

"I've been watching Aro's decisions too... it isn't them."

"If it's not the Volturi then we need to keep searching, we'll take turns guarding Bella at her house."

Rosalie and Jasper looked at Carlisle with annoyance.

"Really...another protection detail?"

"Rosalie..."

"No, I really don't feel like protecting someone who has treated someone I am very close to like dirt."

"Rosalie's kinda right," Bella said.

"What? I won't leave you unprotected."

"There is no way you guys can search for the intruder...help train...her, while trying to protect me and my dad."

"And go after Victoria." I noted with an attitude.

"While trying to keep yourselves fed," Bella said while rolling her eyes at me.

"I'm not going to leave you here defenseless." Edward rebuttled.

"I won't be defenseless I'll have..."

"Have what?"

I smirked...looks like Jacobs going to have a hand to play in this afterall.

[the-melting-world]

Jezebel | Solo de la Vega

This exists because @lucigucci asked for it and I couldn't say no. Sorry it took me so long! It's basically a background/personality/daily life montage for Sascha's brother, Solo. I was trying to figure out how to work some of his experiences into Sascha's story, so this is exactly what he needed!

This fic pairs well with Sascha's "Don't Call Me Daughter" miniseries!

Music: "Jezebel" by Sade

cw: there is some nested lemony content 🍋 (some choking), emotional abuse, just very bad parenting in general

~ 2.6k words

***

~ Twenty-six years ago ~

Solo and Sascha hid. They were close enough to hear the screams and the dishes shattering.

“Get out of my house!”

“I want to see my children. Please–”

“I said, GET OUT!”

And on and on it went.

Shortly after Honore stopped making his infrequent trips to Casa Vega, the Vega twins learned to never ask about him. Instead, they protected the few mementos they had of Honore and remembered him quietly, out from under the eyes of their mother…

***

~ Present Day ~

“Nanang, why would I make any of this up?”

Solo had no more fire left in him to spat with Floribeth. He just wanted to close his eyes and become unconscious to the pain settling into his bones. But his mother wouldn’t leave. Despite her petite frame, she haunted the foot of his bed like an overfed wraith.

“You were in bed all day yesterday, Solomon. How is it that you had enough energy to traipse the town with your sister this morning, but you couldn’t even pull your weight in this negotiation? Do you plan to leave April without any assistance this afternoon as well?”

Solo’s eyes smarted as he rolled onto his side and tried to hide his head under the blankets.

“You were there. You saw how that man didn’t touch any of the swatches I brought. My charms were in those swatches.”

Beth’s response came out clipped and dismissive. “So what?”

Great, Solo groaned internally, today she wants to play dumb about how my magic works.

Solo had tried to explain this to Beth before. Why couldn’t her sharp mind sense his meaning? Why did she have to make every conversation about his magic so taboo?

“Nanang, please understand…it is… easier for me when the clients touch–”

But she cut him off. “Solo, stop. You’re whining about your condition again. For all of your devotion to our practice, you forget sometimes how spoiled you’ve become. I blame myself for that. Get your rest. I’ll fetch Sascha. But you’re to be present for April by this afternoon. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Part of him wished he hadn’t agreed, but it was the only way to get her to leave. When she finally did, Solo wanted nothing more than to blackout and let his body recover the old fashioned way until Sascha administered some relief for his pain. But all he could think about was Floribeth and how guilty she had made him feel over the years.

Even though he had nothing but devote his entire body and heart to her business.

Whenever Beth became upset or disappointed with him like this, it took him back to listening to her and Honore argue. For some reason, Solo couldn’t shake off the feeling that Beth had wanted those fights to escalate between herself and the father of her children.

“Beth. Look at what you’ve done to him. By the gods, look at his hands! Every time I come back, they’re swollen or bleeding. This isn’t right.”

“Stop being melodramatic, Honore. Solomon picked up sewing faster than Sascha and all of his cousins combined. We don’t let talent go unhoned in this family.”

"He is just a child!"

"He will heal! His hands will form calluses in time and then he won’t be able to feel it anymore. The pain is only temporary. You really are an idiot."

"Let me at least take Sascha with me. You’re always complaining about her. She’ll be cared for. Happy for once–"

"You’re not taking her anywhere. Now go away."

When Solo opened his eyes again, Sascha was at his side.

***

Later that week...

Solo was where he was the most comfortable – in his dressing room, sewing a project by hand. He was alone until someone walked in. Solo recognized the newcomer almost immediately. Basil Jebel-something or other. He was an usher for a friend from what sounded like a collegiate past. Today Basil was there for alteration, without the entourage of the rest of the groom’s party.

“You came alone this time, Mister…”

“Jebeles.” His delivery was tired, but not unkind.

Solo, who was stretched out on his divan, looked up briefly from his work. “Yes, now I remember. We didn’t have your size. And we still don't, unfortunately.”

Basil made a face as he slapped his gut. “Figures.” Then he mumbled something blunt and self-deprecating.

By now, Solo was rising to his feet and warming his pearls over his knuckles.

“Please. You have a nice figure, Mr. Jebeles.” He came around behind the man, who smelled a lot like the inside of a tavern, and eyeballed his measurements with the help of his long string of pearls.

“And not all is lost. We may not have your size, but that’s why I wanted you to come back. For a closer look at what we’re working with–” Solo let his pearls slide down Basil’s frame before pulling them a little taut under his abdomen. Then he whispered, “We can easily correct the garment for the occasion.”

Not long after Solo finished up and memorized all of Basil’s measurements, he checked to see how the client was responding to his charms.

By the way Basil had dropped his dry humor and focused more on the path Solo’s hands took, the seamstress would have to say that he was responding very well.

Better than he expected in fact.

So well that Basil stayed afterward. They talked. Solo had one of the attendants bring them something to drink. Basil, it turned out, was quite easy to keep talking to and getting to know.

Very soon Basil’s back was against the floral wallpaper, his hands above his head, grasping weakly at nothing. His wrists strained against a makeshift binding out of Solo’s seemingly endless yards of freshwater pearls.

“Solo.” The barhand breathed. His head only grew dizzier against the dressmaker’s slow, lingering touches. Solo’s lips found his again with a rough tenderness. His hands roamed, dragging his pearls with him under Basil’s tunic, past his fly. The barhand turned hard in Solo’s grasp.

“Solo — ngh.”

There were no words to describe the seamstress’ calloused, dimpled touch.

“Mr. Jebeles, please relax,” Solo said, sneaking his tongue along the seam of Basil’s mouth. “Excitement breeds excitement. Keep squirming and calling on me and I’ll soil my nice linens for sure.”

“Gods. Slow down then! Perhaps we could both last longer if you unwrap those fucking pearls from around my cock—“

The bindings drifted up around his neck. “Oh? You mean these pearls? Shall we do something else with them?”

Basil locked onto the uneven, iridescent orbs. “Do you take those with you everywhere?”

Solo’s smirk was as soft as his question. “What do you wish to know?”

Basil suddenly felt very stupid for trying to initiate a conversation right then. He wished he could take it back and just quietly let the seamstress take him apart.

Solo’s smirk deepened as he read the meaning in Basil’s hesitation.

“Fine. We don’t need to go into any details until afterwards. Just try not to choke while I’m sucking you off. Simple enough?” Solo dropped to his knees without waiting for an answer, pulling his pearls taut around the client’s neck on his descent.

It wasn’t that strange for Floribeth, head of Vega Bridal, to be passing by Solo’s dressing room as he escorted his latest client out. It was, however, not like her to pause and study the poorly concealed familiarity between her son and the client who smelled like cheap booze and was clean shaven all but for those ungodly sideburns.

Solo saw the man out and joined his mother for a debriefing while they traveled to the main house. She noticed how easily he kept up with her and the slight bounce in his step as he walked.

Solo. Sascha.

Her children always needed reminding of what was what. When and how. That life didn’t give them joy without a little sacrifice. That no goodness came without consequence.

Floribeth knew that it was her duty to consistently remind them.

“Solo, honey,” the matriarch began, depriving her voice of as much edge as she could bear, “you know I don’t care one way or the other of the company you keep in your space. In fact, I encourage it. It’s good for business.”

Solo managed a tight smile. “So you’ve told me in the past, nanay.”

Beth chose to ignore how Solo reverted to the more formal way to address her. The way Sascha always did unless she was throwing a tantrum.

“Well, listen closely to me because I’ve never told you what I’m about to tell you now.”

She felt better once the spirit left Solo’s gait. She finally had his attention.

Eyes forward and heels clacking briskly against the sandy tiles, Floribeth began, “You know I don’t expect you to dedicate any energy to finding a suitable partner or more to marry. Unless that’s what you want. But since you’re at that age, I’ll just say a few things.”

Solo honestly had no idea where this was going. It was true that Floribeth was very diligent about avoiding the topic of a potential marriage in Solo’s future. Thanks to his condition and the value of his magic to the business, he had been excused from much of the pressure that came down on young de la Vegas to grow and expand the family as quickly as possible.

Floribeth carried on. “Your father would have never so much as caught my eye if it hadn’t been for those damnable charms. Their existence made me question everything we had…”

Solo did not expect to hear the slip, if ever so slight, of sadness in his mother’s tone. She was quick to recover from it.

“So one can assume that even with all of your charisma, in the end, it could never yield a proper marriage. Perhaps you could get someone to love you, but it wouldn’t be true love, Solo. And it wouldn’t be fair to the other person. You can never forget that. Eventually your charms will wear off and they will suffer in some way or another. You’re smart, Solomon. I’m sure you’ve figured all this out by now.”

Solo’s lip quivered.

“Yes, nanang.”

He managed to keep his voice from shaking.

“That makes a lot of sense now that you point it out. Thank you.”

He didn’t know how much longer he could keep it up.

***

Solo felt stupid and selfish for running to Sascha’s room and collapsing onto her lap. In seconds, he was sobbing, his make-up running, his outbursts incoherent and shrill.

“That’s basically what she told me, Sascha!”

Solo was beside himself. He couldn’t believe the state of anger he had allowed Floribeth to work him into.

“I’m incapable of being loved in any natural way? Because of…” He lifted his pearls up over his head and shook them in his fist. “Because of these?”

Then the seamstress made a wretched sound as he hurled the ancestral pearls at the wall.

“Well I didn’t ask for them! I just do what she wants of me all the time, but sure, Sasch – no one can love me!”

Solo could feel Sascha trying to call her magic to the surface and soothe him with it. But that wouldn’t do any good. This was a different kind of pain.

“Solo, shhh. It’s okay. It’s not true. You know it isn’t true.”

Solo barely heard her. He sobbed until he couldn’t anymore.

Later, when Solo had gotten it all out of his system and he was leaning against Sascha while she played in his hair, he whispered, “Sasch. Can I tell you something?”

He had opened the question in broken Esmeraldi. Sascha answered in the same way, signaling that whatever he said would be kept safe and just between them.

“My charms have always behaved in strange ways, yet I’m the only one who’s ever understood them. I can’t explain it, but Sascha, I know what I know. They only work to flex people’s attitude about the material world. People are people – they internalize those feelings and sometimes what they feel has the potential to carry them beyond the object. Still, whatever feeling they project out into the world came from a foundation of something inanimate. It’s all in the dress, the garment, the pearls, whatever they’re wearing or touching.” He paused to take a breath. “What I’m trying to say is, it’s impossible to generate a charm through my own... self.”

Sascha remained silent, but Solo could feel her thinking.

The seamstress added, “It makes me think about tatang–uh. I mean Honore.”

“So,” Sascha said finally, “all those times Beth claimed our father tricked her into feeling things for him that were never there... you’re saying that she was full of it?”

Solo frowned. “I don’t think she lied on purpose, but I could see her needing something to justify her own decisions to herself. The charms are an easy thing to blame.”

Sascha helped her brother off of her and into an upright position so she could look him in the eye.

“Solo, if you were to ever tell nanay this, she would just deny it.”

His gaze drifted elsewhere. “…. I know.”

Sascha gave his shoulders a gentle shake. “I don’t say that to be harsh, Solo.”

Solo reached up to pry her hands from her shoulders and cradled them between his own scarred palms.

“Not at all, Sasch. I’m... relieved that I came to this realization. It means that no matter what nanang says about me, I know it can never be true.” He paused. “I don’t get to talk through these sorts of things very often. But it’s the only way I’m able to make sense of all of it… everything that you and I have been through.”

Sascha smiled, which gave Solo hope more than anything else. “If you ever need to talk again, I’m here.”

She got off her bed and made her way across the room. She came back with Solo’s pearls and placed them around his neck.

“I needed to hear that,” Solo whispered, his voice full of emotion. “Thank you.”

Sascha glanced down and noticed that Solo hadn’t gone to reassure himself by touching the pearls.

She said, “You know, something that I’ve noticed over the years is this. Whenever our family comes to visit from Esmeralda or even as far as Catclaw, they like to dump their old, creepy heirlooms on us.”

Sascha looked up at her brother and pushed aside the bang that always managed to cascade over the left side of his face.

“Cousins and great aunts and uncles whose names we never knew and probably won’t ever remember walk through here with artifacts that look like they should belong in a museum. And who do they bring them to? Not Beth. It’s never Beth. They bring them to you.”

Before Solo knew it, his scarred fingers were walking along the lace in his dress, seeking out the ancient voices, beaded and condensed in layers against his torso.

“You know the placement of each pearl by heart and the ancestor it belonged to. Our family members come to you to feel reassured, Solo. They leave our past with you because they know it’s safe in your hands. Clients come to you to feel beautiful and cherished. So the next time Floribeth tries to make you feel low...”

Sascha brushed a tear that had escaped Solo’s dark eyes.

“I want you to remember whose face comes to mind when people think of Vega Bridal… and who it is our ancestors have always looked to.”

[jaycewrites-192000]

Growl: Chapter 9

Warning: This chapter includes sensitive themes such as language, violence, drugging, and sexual assault (nothing too extreme though). Read with caution.

Tag List: @theravencawsatmidnight @etroman @kaariqueen

Your P.O.V

I made my way through the halls to get to my next class, all day I couldn't stop thinking about yesterday. I spent the entire day with Kyotani, it really was like we were on a date, even though we're both just friends. I hated to think of it like that, but it was the truth. And it would stay the truth until I finally confess, which is very unlikely. I already made things awkward enough last night at the restaurant. I can't believe I told some random stranger that we were "dating". God, why did I do that? I'll have to apologize to Kyotani later. Just as I turned the corner to walk down the last hall before my class, I heard someone calling my name.

"Hey, L/n!" I stopped dead in my tracks and grimaced. And just when I was in a pretty good mood too. Not bothering to turn around, I respond. "Not in the mood today Chiharu. So save me the effort of wasting my time and fuck right off." I say before I continue walking. "Oh really? That's pretty bitchy of you L/n, walking away before I could introduce my friends to you."

"What friends? You mean more of Oikawa's annoying ass group of fan..." I trail off as I turned around. Instead of girls at Chiharu's side, there were tall buff guys. They looked liked third years. "Wow Chiharu, totally didn't figure you as the type to date more than one guy at a time." I smirked. Chiharu returned the smug grin. "Can't say the same for you though, huh? I saw you hanging out with that freak that came to your rescue yesterday. I bet Oikawa wouldn't be too happy to hear you were with another man." Before I could remind her for the hundredth time that me and Oikawa were not in a relationship, she continued.

"I mean, whoring yourself out to every guy you meet is bad enough. But going so low as to date someone like that freak? Ha! Now that's just pathetic! Didn't know you needed attention that badly!" I felt a vein pop in my head. I could care less if she made fun of me, but she brought Kyotani into it. He's done nothing wrong. She had no right to talk about him like that. I stormed over to her and grabbed her by her shirt collar. "Listen here bitch! Keep Kyotani's name out of your mouth or I'll-"

"You'll what!? You won't do shit! And besides, I'm not here to fight you. Like I said before, I wanted to introduce my friends." Chiharu snapped her fingers, and two of the third years grabbed onto my arms and pulled me away from her. I was going to scream, but the third one covered my mouth before I got the chance. "Come on, I think it's time we teach this one a lesson." With that, the third year that was keeping me quite, knocked me out cold.

"Ugh...What...What happened?" I groan before slowly opening my eyes. My head was pounding, and I felt dizzy. My vision finally adjusted and I could tell just were I was. I was behind the school near the dumpsters. Why was I hear and...why can't I move!? It was then I noticed my hands were tied together behind my back. All at once it hit me. Chiharu, the third years, she had them knock me out. My breathing picked up rapidly. Why? What were they going to do? I managed to sit myself up, if I could just stand, I can run back inside the school and call for help. But I couldn't, I was so dizzy, it made standing was difficult. I felt something warm hit my knee, blood. I felt it run down my cheek this time, my head must have been bleeding.

"Come on!" I say to myself, attempting to stand once again, but again I couldn't bring myself to stand, I could hardly sit up straight. A hit to the head wouldn't do all this. "They must have drugged me..." I say breathlessly. "Right we did, sweet cheeks." I gasp and look up to see the three third years from before towering over me. "W-what do you want from me? Did that bitch tell you to do this?" I ask, glaring up at the three. "Oh, she's smart. I like em smart." Siad one of the three. "I prefer them more dumb honestly. But she'll do." Said another. "Yeah, Chiharu told us to do this. But really, we would have done it sooner." The one talking to me crouches down to my height.

He looks me up and down, practically undressing me with his eyes. It felt disgusting. "You're pretty cute. How have we not met you before?" He asks. I make sure my legs were firmly pressed together and close to my body. "I prefer to keep to myself so I don't meet people like Chiharu or you scumbags. Now let me go!" I demand. The guy in front of me chuckles. "Sorry, but no. We ain't going anywhere, anytime soon, princess." He moved his finger down my leg. I kicked at his shin roughly, making him groan in pain. The other two third years laughed at his pain.

"Damn, Chiharu was right. You are a bitch." Suddenly his hand was around my throat. He slammed me back down to the ground, hovering over me. "Hey! Make sure you leave some fun for us!" One of them called. "Shut it. There's plenty of her to go around." Says the one on top of me. his free hand tugged at my uniform's tie, loosening my blazer. "No! Stop! Stop it!" I cried.

"See, I knew you didn't give her enough. She's still bitching and moaning." One of the two said, referring to what I only assumed was the drug they slipped me while I was unconscious. "Who cares? No one's gonna hear her." I yelled and cried, but like he said, no one would hear. "Would shut up already!? I promise you'll enjoy it." The guy on top of me purred into my ear. "W-why? Why are you doing this?" I managed to croak out between sniffles.

"Chiharu figured you needed to be taught a lesson. If you want multiple guys, then that's just what you'll get." I sobbed and shut my eyes tightly. 'Someone please help me...' I whimpered in my mind. Just as the man's hand began to go up my skirt, a loud cracking noise filled my ears. Soon after was a cry of pain. My eyes shot opened when I felt the man's grip on my throat loosen. "What the fuck!?" He yelled. Another cracking sound and a cry of pain, then fast approaching footsteps, and before I knew it, the weight of the guy on top of me was gone.

From what I could see, my tears blurring my vision slightly, was someone grabbing the guy and punching him multiple times in the face before kneeing him in the gut and throwing him aside. The person who saved me walked over to the guy's limp body and kicked at it, yelling out in fury while doing so. That yelling closely resembled a man's yells.

After a few more seconds, the person hurried to my side and sat me up. Now that he was closer in view, I could make out who he was. "...Kyotani?" I whimper. "Y/n...I'm sorry I got here late..." He muttered before holding me in his arms tightly. "I'm so sorry." The dizziness that filled my mind had finally gotten the better of me, and once again I fell unconscious.

I woke up again sometime after that, there was something soft underneath my body, and something warm on top. I slowly opened my eyes, narrowing them momentarily due to the brightness of wherever I was. After a minute my eyes adjusted, I was in a room this time. Not just any room, Kyotani's room. "Kyotani." I breathed. Memories of what just happened replayed in my mind, tears begin to fill my eyes. Kyotani saved me. If it wasn't for him, I might have been...I felt sick just thinking about it. I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted Kyotani. Where was Kyotani? "Kyotani..."I whimpered pathetically. From the other side of his bedroom door, I could hear his voice. It was feint, but I could just barely make out what he was saying.

"...She's not coming today, neither am I......Look I'll explain everything later just trust me ok?....Alright, see ya." After a few seconds Kyotani entered, his expression brightening when he saw me. "You're awake!" He rushed to my side. "Are you-Did they-what happend?" He fumbled over his words. I didn't respond, I just stared at him. He's done so much for me. He became my friend when he didn't have to, he helped me study when no one else would, and now he's saved me from a very horrible situation. I rose my shaky hand and gently pressed it to his cheek. "Kyotani...thank you. Thank you so much." I say weakly.

Kyotani put his hand on top of mine. "It was nothing. Y/n, what...tell me what happened. Who were those assholes?" Kyotani asked, repressing the anger in his tone. I removed my hand and turned my head away from him, not wanting him to see me cry. "Y/n?" Kyotani speaks softly. "I really don't want to talk about that right now." I tell him as calmly as possible. I felt Kyotani's thumb gentle wipe away a stray tear on my cheek. "Ok. you don't have to right now. How are you feeling?" He asked. I only shrug, still not look at him. In honesty, I was better. That damned drug wore off, my head was a lot clearer.

I felt something press down at the foot of Kyotani's bed, I glance down to see Killer. His ears were flat against his head and he was whimpering while pawing at my leg. I smile sadly. "Aw, it's ok boy. I'm ok now." I say gently. Kyotani pet killer's head a few times. "He went crazy when he saw me carry you in here. I'm glad my mom and sister weren't here to see it. They would have started pestering me." I glanced over at him. "Asking why I'm carrying an unconscious girl into the house, then having to explain what I just had to fucking see..." His hand moved away from Killer's head, and covered his eyes. He was shaking. I sat up and wrapped my arms around him. "You don't have to talk about it either." I say softly.

His arms found their way around my waist. "Right..." I sniffled. We both sat in silence, just enjoying being in each others embrace. After a moment or two, I finally spoke. "Who were you on the phone with?" I asked. "Iwaizumi. He wanted to know why we didn't show up to practice." I shifted my position to get more comfortable. Kyotani picked this up and laid me back down on the bed before crawling in next to me. He draped his arm over me and I laid my head on his chest. "I won't say a word about this to him or anyone, until you're ready. Until then, I'll be here for you ok?" I nod and close my eyes, breathing in Kyotani's scent. He was so warm. "Thank you Kyotani."

"This will be selfish of me to ask but, can I stay here with you tonight? I don't want to be alone right now." Kyotani rubbed my back softly. "Of course you can." I thanked him again before texting my mother, letting her know I'll be staying with Iwaizumi. I wouldn't have lied but my mom trusted him the most. 'Hope you don't mind Iwaizumi.' I set my phone aside and snuggled closer to Kyotani.

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[inactive-luv]

Normal

normal

normal

TW: depression, gender dun dUN DUN

word count: 2216

a/n: i’ve got a lot more gender neutral Spencer Reid fics loading :P

(Spencer's POV)

On a normal day, I would set my alarm for five in the morning and wake up slowly. I'd pour a cup of coffee and make myself some toast. I take a shower and brush my teeth and maybe listen to an audiobook on my way to work. I got this recommendation from Garcia, Ready Player One. I listened to the narrator's voice at a pace 'normal' people would read.

A part of me always felt self-conscious about myself, how I was different compared to everyone else. My mom called me special but that just made things worse. Special still sounds like there was something wrong with me. And that was just my I.Q, later on, I constantly got made fun of for the way I dressed, how I wasn't 'normal' enough. Never 'masculine' enough.

I haven't had a normal day in months. I started to wake up naturally around three am, if I ever slept. My thoughts kept me awake, thinking about the insults and taunts I got. I lay in bed most days. I told Hotch I was sick and stayed in a comatose state for most of the day. I would stare at the ceiling and wonder about myself.

I couldn't do anything. I couldn't eat, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't use the bathroom. The thought of having to stand up in front of the toilet. Washing my hands in a men's restroom, everything just made me sick. I hadn't gone to work in a week. It sounds odd but I didn't feel safe there. Work used to be where I could concentrate and use my abilities to my advantage, I watched and analyzed people's emotions for a living but now, it became so hard to think about myself.

I felt exposed in the workplace, at home I felt more comfortable using my own bathroom and I could wear my own clothes. I felt like someone else in the bullpen, someone different. Having to hear my name makes me feel imaginary. I didn't feel real in my body.

Getting out of bed this morning exhausted me. I dragged my feet across the wood and looked down at my sweater. The temperature in my house was always hot, something with the thermostat, but I couldn't stand looking at my own skin. I wore a thick sweater and a robe on top of it, long pajama pants and big socks. I knew I had to take off these clothes if I wanted to go to work today. I really did, I missed my friends, I missed having to do something.

Having a purpose meant a lot to me. I lost sight of what I was meant to do with my life, I would just mope around my apartment without doing anything and I still felt exhausted. I hated being here, I needed to do something. I couldn't just stay here for the rest of my life. I so desperately wanted my normal life again, but I couldn't even think about stepping outside my house.

I hate thinking about having to do normal things. I hated using public restrooms and wearing my normal clothes. Life becomes meaningless if you can't even look at yourself in the mirror.

A while back I put towels over all of my mirrors, this morning I lifted the one in my bedroom. I looked at myself for the first time in a long time. I looked at my eyes, the bags underneath them screamed tired and disgusting. My whole face looked blue and purple. I saw the veins in my neck, and when I touched them I winced.

Taking a deep breath, I started to remove the robe in front of me. I watched the fabric fall to the floor when I felt the ends of my sweater. A burst of energy filled my gut and flooded through my veins, causing me to haphazardly lift the shirt fully over my head and shimmied my pants off. I felt angry. Angry at myself for not being able to do the easiest things. And sad watching my body shake and my skin crawl.

I forced myself to stare at my chest. I stared long and hard at the flat shape and bare skin. I started to run my hand over my abdomen and I could feel my ribs protrude out of my skin. Tears started to fill my eyes when I glazed over my underwear. I could see the outline of my legs and the thought of what was between them made me sick. I felt like throwing up.

I rushed to the bathroom and clutched at the sides of the toilet. I quickly thought about all of the germs and bacteria and immediately lunged away from the seat. I washed my hands five or six times until my skin curled underneath the stream. I splashed the water on my face and began to sob. I ran my hands over my face and my eyes tinged from the tears.

When my hands roamed their way back to my chest I fell to the floor in a mixture of emotions. I felt depressed, gross, I felt cheated in my own flesh and blood. I felt contained to the bottom of my bathroom sink. The tears relaxed and I started to slowly lift myself off of the cold tile.

I wobbled back to my bedroom and tried to open my drawers. I reached for a dotted shirt and slowly buttoned the clothes on myself. With each button, I sniffed and let out a heavy sigh. I wanted to change my underwear but every time I slid my fingers past the waistband I cringed. I couldn't bring myself to look past my abdomen.

I just tried to pull on a pair of work pants without my eyes and slide a brown belt through the loops. I stared at myself in the dresser mirror and reached for another layer to put on over my body, a brown cardigan. I wanted to smile. I tried to force the corners of my lips to move upward but they only drooped a little lower. I swallowed my tongue and went to get my coat.

...

I walked into the lobby and saw people walking throughout the halls, I felt so out of place. I slowly slumped up to the elevator and pressed the button. It was halfway through the workday, a little after lunch. It was raining so hard outside I could hear it through the elevator walls, I heard the pat pat pat just outside the floors and I started to feel thirsty. I hadn't drunk much water in public because I didn't want to have to use a public bathroom. It wasn't a problem until one day I had to be sent to the emergency room.

I got nervous as the elevator doors began to open. I lifted my head and was relieved not to meet anyone as I stepped out. A sore feeling manifesting itself in my throat. I look up to see everyone in the conference room. I barely catch Rossi's eye when I start to walk up to the bullpen. Soon I can feel everyone's eyes on my back when I rest my bag on the edge of my seat.

J.J. walks out of the room to wave me over. I watch her walk back into the room, I look at her heels and her pretty blouse. I think back to what I'm wearing and feel gross. Why do I keep stressing about these sorts of things? Morgan doesn't worry about how he's dressed. Hotch doesn't care about shoes or what he has to wear. Rossi was the one who probably cared the most and even he didn't notice the things I do.

I rush up the stairs noticing how everyone is waiting on me. My pace slows down as I get closer and closer to the threshold of the conference room. "Hey, pretty boy's here!" I clench my jaw at the sound of that nickname. My stomach turns inside out and I think about just running out of the room and heading back home, or anywhere but here. "Why don't you sit down we were just starting." Garcia tries to talk to me in her sweet voice. I missed her so much, I missed everyone.

"No thank you," I whisper. I hadn't spoken words out loud in a long time. I don't talk to myself and I hadn't seen anyone else in days. I clear my throat gaining a sliver of strength from the anger in my gut. "No thank you I," I start stronger before pausing mournfully again, "I think I need to say a few things before I come back, officially. C- can you all please sit down." I choke in my breath and all of their faces turn worried when they look at me.

"Uhm, I know I haven't been here in a while but uhm," I turn my head to the floor, "I want to be able to come back, I do, and I uh," It gets really hard to talk without tearing up. I swallow hard when J.J tries to pat my arm, I don't mean to but I flinch and try to push her hand away. "I can't come back until," I'm afraid I'll start hyperventilating, "God I'm sorry." I move my hands up to my face and wipe away a few tears before swallowing and whispering again. "I can't come back until I figure out what's wrong with me."

"Kid there's nothing wrong with you-" "Yes there is! I- I- I can't sleep! I can't get dressed by myself! I can't even use the bathroom without feeling sick!" The words pool out of my mouth in a harsh tone and J.J. steps back when I flail my arms, "I can't look at myself in the mirror," Tears stream down my cheek when I turn my face around the room. "I need things to be different around here." Even Hotch's expression turns saddened and weak.

"I-" I choke and wipe my eyes with my sleeve. " I hate the name 'pretty boy'." I try to turn my eyes from Derek who's leaned over to see my expression, "I hate being referred to as 'Sir' or 'Mr.'" I bite my quivering top lip and draw my eyes back to the floor. "I hate hearing," I pause and clear my throat again thinking it would help stop my cracking voice, "he did this or it was him who," I sniff looking at Garcia whose eyes are also filled with tears.

"I'm not comfortable," I whisper and Emily gapes her mouth as if to say something then closes it rubbing her nose instead. "I haven't been comfortable for a long time. I don't know what I am anymore." The word 'what' sticks in the air for a minute before J.J. tries to pat my arm again and I let her. She eases in to hold me and I shut my eyes to stop sobbing.

"I- I- need," I start before shaking my head, "I'd like people to treat me differently." I furrow my brow thinking what to say next, "I looked online," I wipe my face again trying to slide J.J away from me, "and all the labels really scared me but uhm," I pause again "I think I'd like to try something I've been pushing down for a while." Rossi nods his head.

I feel awkward standing in front of all of these people, my friends. Years ago I could trust them with my life but now I felt so exposed and broken. I was scared of how they were going to react, I felt like screaming in my stance and running out of the room crying. I muttered out the first words before shaking my head and trying again. "I think," I clear my throat again, "I want to try different," I look at the group, averting my eyes off the floor while the edges of my lips curl into a saddened smile, before whispering the last word, "Pronouns."

I see Emily mutter a small "Oh," and Morgan's face turns confused. I slump into a hunched position and continue to cry softly when people start nodding their heads looking up at me. "Well," Hotch starts and people start to look at him. "I think that what you're asking for is," He pauses looking to the group then back at me.

"Perfectly reasonable and we will do or call you whatever you want" They all nod and mutter incoherent words. "Yes, yes of course we can." Garcia stammers wiping tears from her eyes looking at me from across the room. "What, uhm what would you like?" She asks rubbing her hands together, "To, you know," she shakes her hands before wiping more tears from her face.

I smile for the first time in weeks. It's not a toothy smile or a cheek to cheek grin but, it makes me feel safe knowing I can still do the things I used to. Come into work and smile. I catch my sighs and draw in a deep breath before looking at Garcia, "They/them." And the rest of the team smiles too.

...

[babylooneytoonz]

Warnings: Well, I just want to apologize in advance for what you're all about to read. Your truth is revealed, not to Bucky. You are not who you think you were.

Coffee Stains Masterlist here.

"Hey, look at me, you're alright, okay? Nothing's gonna happen," Bucky's warm flesh palm felt over your bump, and instinctively, you winced when his fingers brushed against something just underneath the base of your bump, towards the left. That's when he felt something sticky and warm in his palm.

He was pulled into the grip of silent panic, his eyes wild and his pupils dilated as he looked at the blood coating his fingers; it was only then that he realized what had happened. You had been shot. His heart had begun to race, and his temples throbbing in an incoming headache, like a bomb that had exploded in his brain.

"Buck.. I don't feel so good."

"It's just a graze, love. It's nothing, trust me, yeah?" Bucky's metal arm slid underneath your thighs and in one sweep, he pulled you into his arms, and reflexively, your eyes now droopy, you let your head rest against his chest, feeling the symphony of his breaths, that seemed to be relaxing you.

Bucky used his other hand to slide his phone out of his pocket and the first person he dialed was Steve.

"Y/N has been shot. I'm taking her to the hospital," he looked down at you to see that your eyes were almost closed now, but you were breathing, although shallow, "it's not looking good, Steve. I need you here. I need you right now. Please." 

You let out a cough, which was more of a laugh, but it sounded like a cough as air was lodged to your throat, mumbling barely incoherent words, "Winter... Soldier, you really need Captain...America..to save your ass don't you?" He just smiled, pulling you tighter against his chest, as though you were slipping away, "Fuck Winter Soldier, you know I'm nothing without you now." You were trying ... fighting to stay awake, even more so upon hearing his words, as you clung on to your boyfriend, your hand locked around his neck. You somehow managed to open your eyes, and your eyes caught the sight of a hospital.

"Bucky?"

He looked down at you, and a weak smile draped over his lips when he saw that you're awake. What you said to him, however, broke his heart into two and he wished that this hadn't happened to you.

"Will you promise me something?"

"What?" He asked.

"If something does happen to me, make sure you don't raise this one alone, you should raise them with Natasha."

He blinked, struggling to mask the tears that had now surfaced in his eyes as he bit down on his tongue, and shook his head. The two of you fought like cats and dogs, but he couldn't think of you not being here, even for a second.

"I would never promise you such a thing, because there's no one else I want to raise our kid with. And I mean, you."

You parted your lips, and all that came out was a weak sounding exhale, so you just succumbed against his chest, humming slightly so he knew that you had heard him, but just didn't have the strength to reply.

"I've seen you single-handedly take out five men, and that too, pregnant. You kicked some ass that day," he chuckled, finally letting that thick, warm tear roll down against his cheek, "And if you're telling me, it's one fucking bullet that's gonna be the end of you and end of us, you're just crazy."

He tried to make talk with you, hoping the back of the mind that you will find this urge to stay awake and to fight this for him as the hospital came into view. He muttered something under his breath; pulled out his cellphone again and saw that it was Nick Fury calling him. He received it, and was instantly greeted by a bark on the other end. The call didn’t last long, but Bucky informed him of the hospital that he had taken you into and he told him that he was bringing Y/N's doctor along, as he knew all your stats and vitals.

The instant Bucky stepped into the hallway of the hospital, a glimpse of his metal arm was enough for them to know that he was the Winter Soldier. He laid you on a gurney, and looked at the nurse who was looking down at you questioningly, “Yeah, well, my girlfriend's been shot. She’s seven months pregnant.”

“Sergeant Barnes, you’ll have to wait here, we’ll have to take her in –“

Before either Bucky could reply, or the nurse could even complete her sentence, Fury and a short heighted man dashed into the hospital, and headed straight towards where Bucky was, Fury instantly bending over the gurney so he could look at you.

“I’m her doctor,” you were wheeled into the trauma room and Fury and Bucky fixed themselves on either sides of the hallway, Bucky glancing down at his hands that were coated in your dried up blood. This was all his fault, if only he had been honest with you, honest enough that what happened today could have been avoided.

“I told her that she was making a wrong choice.”

Bucky’s strained, blood shot eyes lifted themselves and he fixed them on the man with the eyepatch who was leaning by the wall on the other end, as he continued speaking, “but she didn’t want to listen to me. She kept telling me that you were the best thing that had happened to her. Look where it’s gotten her now, Barnes.”

“Fury –“ Both Bucky and Fury turned towards the source of the voice, as Steve, Natasha and Sam rushed to where the two men were, Steve leading the way. “leave him alone. Y/N is a grown woman, who can make her own decisions. Besides, how is any of this Buck’s fault?”

“T’s alright, Punk, he’s right though –“

“Excuse me, Sergeant? Mr. Fury?” Y/N's doctor stepped out, his white gloves having turned bright red.

“Doctor, is she okay? Are they okay?” Bucky mumbled as all the Avengers crowded around him.

“Well, although things don’t look bad, the bullet did rupture the amniotic sac, which is why, we’ll have to do an emergency C  - section. Sergeant, looks like you are going to meet your child sooner than you anticipated. You can go and meet her before we wheel her in.”

“Holy shit.” Bucky took a step away, his jaw almost hanging, and his eyes wide; this felt surreal. He felt unprepared suddenly and scared. “Bucky?” Steve’s hand on his back pulled him back from his thoughts and his head snapped towards his bestfriend, Steve noticing the fearful look on his friend's face, “Want to talk about it?”

He swallowed, looking down at his feet and then back up again, almost shaking his head, “Do you think I am ready for this Stevie? I just, I am freaking out.”

Steve gave him a soft smile, reaching out and placing a steadying hand at the back of his friend’s neck, “You’re ready Buck. You’re just scared, but trust me, when you’ll have that little Barnes right there in your arms, you won’t feel so scared anymore. Now go and talk to her, I’m sure she needs you right now daddy.”

“Yeah, punk. Do not say that again.” Steve just chuckled, and Bucky kept smirking as he walked towards the operation room where you were being prepped for that emergency c section.

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

You were laying down on the operation table, your fingers delicately kneading over the fabric of your hospital gown. The bullet wound had already been taken care of, but you could feel the sting from it, along with a throbbing pain radiating from inside your belly. Bucky stepped in, his eyes falling on you, and his heart almost snapped into two when he saw the state you were in.

“I’m so fucking sorry, I’m such an idiot,” he muttered in a low voice as he made his way to you.

“Five minutes, Sergeant.” The nurse whispered, as she stepped out, leaving you and Bucky alone inside.

He pulled the stool, lowering himself on it and placed his palm on your forehead, stroking over your warm, sweaty head. You smiled, blinking at him, your eyes coated with your tears; you weakly lifted your hand and placed it on your boyfriend’s metal hand, that was resting on your stomach.

“How are you holding up, daddy?” You grinned, in a weak voice and he just snorted, leaning close to your face.

“Shit scared, I am freaking out, I’ll be honest, I thought I had two months to mentally prepare myself.”

You nodded, clasping your fingers against his metal ones. “Cold feet yeah? Listen, it’s going to be okay. Whatever happens, I know, that you’ll be there for our kid.”

“Hey, you’re not gonna go anywhere. Don’t say that.”

“Mhm, we don’t even have a name yet. Jesus, we are so unprepared. Are we bad parents, Buck? What are we going to call this one when they're here? Little Buchanan Barnes?” You drawled, squirming slightly so you could get a little comfortable.

“Its time Y/N,” your doctor stepped in, and this was Bucky’s cue to leave, so he stood up, placing a chaste kiss against your sweaty forehead, whispering, "Don't worry , this doesn't make us bad parents, we didn't know that little Buchanan Barnes will want to join us early. Now I'll be outside, waiting for you to give me a healthy little mini you." He smiled down at you, before walking out of the operation theater.

Once he had left, the doctor walked up to you, and gave you weak smile, almost shaking his head, “He deserved to know, Y/N.”

“He would have shattered, doctor. I can’t do this to him. Besides, it is my call right? I’m asking you to save my baby by doing this.”

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

“Something isn’t right, what the hell's going on in there? It’s been two hours.” Bucky ’s pacing didn’t stop, no matter how much Steve or Natasha tried to get him to calm down, and to sit and relax. Something kept bothering him at the back of his mind, something didn’t seem right. Y/N's conversation kept ringing at the back of his mind, on repeat, whatever happens, I know, that you will be there for our kid.

However, the first cry of his little child, from inside the operation room made him forget all his fears. Steve pulled his bestfriend to his chest, clasping his back in a congratulatory way, even Nick Fury was smiling for a change.

The door finally opened, and the doctor stepped out, holding a tiny, wailing bundle in his arms. Bucky swallowed the lump in his throat, his breathing hitched and he gasped, taking a step closer. The baby was so tiny, so fragile, his heart strummed inside his chest just at one look at that baby, “Is it–”

“Its a girl, a healthy little girl.”

Who could have known that the Winter Soldier would finally break at the sight of his own daughter? Tears freely fell down his eyes, and he could feel his lips quiver as the doctor placed his little girl into his arms. He was so scared, he didn’t let his metal arm near her. It was as though she was made of glass, delicate and breakable. That morning he held his new daughter, this was the most perfect feeling he had ever known as it swept through him. He knew he would do anything in the world for her. He would be her hero, her keeper, the one who gave her cuddles and kept her safe. He would be this little girl’s Winter Soldier.

“She is beautiful,” Natasha cooed, staring at the little girl, in awe. Although she wasn't her mother, and she could never be one, the sight of a newborn baby always made her heart swell. She placed her palm softly over the baby's fuzzy little hair, stroking over her matted black hair, “I’m sure you didn’t think of names?”

“I - Y/N would want to name her I think,” Bucky whispered , looking down at her, and suddenly, he looked up at the doctor. “How is she? When is she going to wake up?”

“I, uh..”

Bucky raised his eyebrows in suspicion when the doctor didn’t answer him and instead, averted his eyes.

“How is she?”

After almost a minute of silence, the doctor looked down at his feet, and then back up again, mumbling in a low voice, “We, uh, we couldn’t save her. She couldn’t make it.”

What was once whole suddenly shattered and the baby that wailed in his arms, the happiness of watching her didn’t feel as warm as before. Where there was once was peace , suddenly it was just emptiness, and now her words made sense. She knew this was going to happen, but she chose not to tell him.

“Take her, Steve.”

“Buck, it’s –“

“Not now.” He growled, his eyes raging red, as he slid his baby girl into Steve’s arms; and walked out of the hospital. He didn’t know where he was going or what he was going to do, but he felt betrayed, and suddenly, left alone.

He lost her.

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

Five weeks later,

“Oh, you’re one happy baby aren’t you?” Natasha looked down at the baby. She sat in the recreation room, the little one month old girl they now called Sasha Y/M/N Barnes, as she rocked her on her knees side by side, playing with the girl.

“He still won’t step out of his room?” She asked, when she saw Steve dejectedly step into the recreation room and he just shook his head.

“Let him be, he will be here when he feels he is ready.”

“I’m here now.” A voice called out, from behind Steve, and all heads turned towards Bucky. He stepped in, his hair a mess, his eyes swollen and puffy like he hadn’t slept well in ages but he walked up straight to where Sasha was and threw out his hands towards her. Natasha stood up, gently handing him his daughter whom he immediately brought close to his chest, rocking her slightly.

 Meanwhile, a thousand miles away, in an old HYDRA base in Hungary, you stood in a room, in a center, with almost a hundred men in HYDRA uniforms surrounding you.

“Джоанна, ты позор для ГИДРЫ.” (Johanna, you’re a disgrace to HYDRA.)

You bit your lip hard, running your hand through your short cropped hair, as you mumbled something under your breath, “ Если бы ты не продолжал посылать своих людей выслеживать нас, моя дочь была бы жива.” (If you didn’t keep sending your men to hunt us down, my daughter would be alive.)

“Твоя работа заключалась в том, чтобы заполучить Зимнего Солдата, ни тебе это не удалось, ни ты не мог дать нам ребенка.” (Your job was to get the Winter Soldier, neither did you succeed in that, nor could you get us the baby.)

You threw your hands in the air, exasperated, as you growled in frustration, “ Опять же, мой ребенок не умер бы, если бы один из йойренов не выстрелил в меня.” (Again, my baby wouldn’t have died if one of your men hadn't shot me.)

“Просто забери ее. И приготовь ее стереть все воспоминания.” (Just take her away. And get her ready to get all the memories wiped off.)

You took a deep breath, but didn’t argue or protest when you felt arms grab you by your arms and started dragging you towards the lab. But your mind kept thinking of the things that you had witnessed, before they wiped it all off.

Your name was Y/N, but HYDRA knew you as Johanna. You were a HYDRA infiltrator, working undercover at SHIELD. James Buchanan Barnes had been your mission. You were expected to get close to him, and bring him back, but little did you know, that he will get through to you, and you will end up falling in love with him. You had exploited him, exploited his past, used the torture and the pain that he went through, and fabricated everything. There was no Danny, and no Wallis. Well, there was Wallis, but he wasn’t your real husband, just a decoy that the two of you used when on HYDRA missions. You knew you had to eliminate him, to make sure no one doubted you and that your story looked believable to all the Avengers, and so far, it worked. However, when she came into your life, your little girl, you wanted nothing more than to protect her life; and the love you felt for James Buchanan Barnes grew even stronger, making you run away in the end. But somehow , Bucky ended up finding you and bringing you back, and your plan failed. You had thought that maybe you will pull yourself out from the mess you had landed yourself into and make a home here with Bucky, and your baby, but HYDRA just kept coming back, again and again, trying to get you.

You had to do something, so you could end this once and for all. And it was only one of the two options. You could tell him the truth, of who you were and risk him throwing you out, along with your baby. Or, you could leave your baby with Bucky, and leave him so he could be with the woman who made him feel human once, long time back, Natasha Romanoff.

As for HYDRA, your super serum baby was dead, atleast that's what you told everybody. You doubted now that they would find out about her for a while now, for she was safely at the Avengers Towers, with people who could protect her. You knew that she was safe, safe with Bucky, who would love her more than any other thing in the world. And you were dead, at least for the records. At least for James Buchanan Barnes.

It was a weird night, when thousands of miles away, in the city of Manhattan, Bucky and Natasha stepped into the penthouse suite that belonged to Tony Stark, Natasha holding your daughter against her chest as she cooed to her in Russian, stroking over her little head. Bucky had remembered the promise he never made to you, and perhaps, he owed you this much in death, so he decided to request Natasha to help him raise his little girl with him. At the same time,  somewhere far away from them in an icy cold base in Hungary, you were ready to be put into that memory wiping machine, and be made ready to go for your next mission, whatever it was going to be, but deep down you were at peace, knowing that the man you loved, and your beautiful little girl, were safe and together.

"Till we meet again, my soldier," You smiled, and let the doctor place a metal helmet over your head, and stuff the rubber in your mouth to bite down on.

(Well, bam. I know you guys exploded. Really sorry about that. Well she's HYDRA, and he's just .. always ready to kick HYDRA's ass. Now wouldn't it be a scandal when he finds out that you're not dead? And you're actually one of them? Keep tuned, book 2 will be following this one, and it will be a much darker theme, as compared to this one. Thank you to all of you for reading this one, and for all the love! ❤️)

Permanent Bucky Barnes Taglist :

@really-dont-forget-it @thepeakygurl @all-art-is-quite-useless @baumarvel @janajjj @chipilerendi @nyotamalfoy @skittychat @allidoiswritewritewrite @jessyballet @x0xchristine @evansgirl7 @supraveng

Want to be added to the taglist? Please fill the form on this link.

[shra-vasti]

MAKES ME WONDER [3/40] The Date

→ Synopsis : Your dream to attend a Seventeen concert was finally coming true but you weren't prepared for the events that were going to follow after Joshua made eye contact with you and chose to make you his partner for the mini game and take you out on a date as a winning prize.

→ Genre : fluff

→ Type : Idol x fan au

→ Word count : 1.3k

→ Taglist : @mngyuheart @vannie24 @uglyratlmao @rjsmochii @dwcljh @noniesgirl (let me know if you want to be added to the taglist)

→ Pairing : idol!Joshua x fan!reader

→ Main Seventeen Masterlist

→ Makes Me Wonder Masterlist

"This concert was the wild one isn't it? The girls around us kept on murmuring how lucky you had got to get noticed by Joshua twice and share a stage with him and now date."

"Believe me when I say I feel like this is some sort of dream."

You were laying on your bed beside Miu who kept saying the same thing ever since you got back from the concert. It was a fun experience, they carried on with the concert after, giving you the required information about tomorrow's date with Joshua, and everyone just left after the concert ended.

"Did you talk with Joshua when you were practicing, what did you talk about?"

You stared dreamily at the ceiling, your thoughts running back when you were with Joshua, two years ago you would have laughed at you if you decided to tell her that she'll share a stage with Joshua of Seventeen.

"Nothing much, he just told me he was worried about me since I kind of froze when he approached me to give the flower and after that there wasn't much said, just about the choreography and so on."

Miu huffed as if feeling disappointed.

"Could've complimented you or something and then asked for your number, that would have been perfect."

You looked at her with a bored expression on your face, smacking her forehead which made her yelp in pain.

"I'm just his fan, Miu, he just did a fan service, plus he did compliment me for my dancing skills if that counts."

"Well what can I say I take pride in your dancing."

You laughed nodding your head at her words, she was more cocky about your dancing than you have ever been and you were glad to have a supportive friend like her.

"Come one let's sleep, I have to get up early to prepare myself for the unexpected date that I have tomorrow."

▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️

The concert tired you out, you were fast asleep but your friend wasn't as she kept on poking you to wake up since it was morning already.

You were dreaming about sunsets and birds when suddenly there was a large tsunami which took you with it, making you get up from your sleep in shock.

"Hwang Miu what the hell?"

You looked down at yourself to see you were drenched in water and a panic stricken Miu looking at you while holding an empty, big jar of water.

"You weren't waking up, I needed to do this otherwise you would've been late."

"What are you talking about? I don't have anywhere-...holy sizzles."

You got up from your bed hurriedly making a run towards your mobile to see the time.

"Yah, it's okay 9 am and I have to be there at 1 pm."

You glared at your friend, tucking your wet hairs away from your face as you made your way towards her.

"You will get ready and do breakfast and other things it will take about 2 hours and then you will have 1 hour to get ready since going to the location where your date is will require another 1 hour of drive Miss."

Your shoulder slumped just thinking about the things you have to do but you had Miu by your side as you felt yourself getting pushed towards the bathroom door to get ready for the big day.

"I've done everything, now tell me what should I wear?"

You looked at the options given by Miu after you asked her.

"I'm going on a date with the gentleman Joshua not in the club with bad boy Joshua you always read about."

You scolded her as you picked up the short and tight black dress she gave you to wear immediately cringing at the sight of it, you couldn't imagine wearing that and going around with him.

You shook your head before going towards your closest to see if you have something better to wear and after trying countless of different outfits you took at your final outfit, sighing in relief and being completely satisfied with it you wore your shoes before giving Miu a goodbye hug you made a run towards the cab you booked.

You were nervous about the whole thing and you just prayed that the antis or the sasaeng fans wouldn't attack you after it.

You were told that the date with Joshua would be filmed and will be inserted in their concert documentary for the fans to see a different side of Joshua they never saw and that made you more nervous that you would be surrounded by cameras.

When you reached the location you were greeted by the crew members who led you where Joshua was supposed to be and you felt your heartbeat more rapidly realizing that you would be meeting him again soon.

He turned around from where he was talking with someone inside the room to look at you, his eyes and smile widening at the sight of you as he made his way towards you.

"You look beautiful today…..I mean you looked beautiful yesterday too but you look exceptionally beautiful today and I'm not kidding."

You could feel blood rush onto your cheeks as you mumbled to him a short thankyou unbeknownst that he too was trying his best to not show how nervous yet happy your presence was making him feel.

"You look great yourself."

He smiled biting his lips to prevent himself from smiling too much, you were his fan but he wasn't supposed to show you much emotion aside from generally being nice as he was.

"Thank you very much, let's go and meet the cameraman to ask him for the instructions beforehand."

"Please lead the way."

It felt so awkward talking to him with such formalities whereas you would just talk casually with each of the members in your dreams.

His laugh resonated making you look up at his face in confusion which wasn't a good idea since you felt your cheeks hot once again.

"You don't have to be so formal with me y/n, just be causal, I would love if you will be comfortable with me and don't be nervous and get overwhelmed by the cameras, if you will feel like it's getting too much you could always signal me and I'll ask the cameraman few minutes of break for you to calm down okay?"

You nodded at his words feeling a sense of relief that he was being considerate enough to look out for your comfort too.

Both of you reached towards the cameraman and waited as he talked with Seventeen's manager on the phone.

"You aren't being monitored by your manager?"

You asked him when you noticed there were just cameramen and few of the crew members.

"No, manager hyung decided it would be better for him to stay with the other twelve members and he trusted me enough to let me go alone, the members can be handful at times so he needed to be with them more along with other manager hyungs."

You nodded at his information, you knew how chaotic the members could be so it was better for them to be with the members rather than Joshua.

"Hello to both of you."

You turned towards the cameraman coming in your direction and greeted him back.

"I'll give you some instructions for the date, it's nothing much really but just heads up."

You both nodded at him, letting him continue.

"You guys will go to a cafe nearby but before we do it we will re-shoot the scene where y/n enters and you see her, Joshua compliment her a bit and have a light conversation before making your way towards the cafeteria downtown, we will shoot your first meeting near the said Cafe so you don't have to walk much."

You nodded as you hoped Joshua would handle the situation well as you felt yourself shitting your pants already.

"After entering the cafe, sit down and order whatever you want and just talk freely, it isn't scripted that much so feel free to talk about your favourite things or about Joshua's and Seventeen's life, after the scenes with the café is finished shooting we'll tell you what else you have to do for your date after that."

"Is that fine? You got it?"

"Yes, we did."

[ambivalent-anarchy]

The First 'I Love You'

Gender: Female

Pairing: Peter Parker x stark!reader

Warning: None

Prompt: “Are you sure you love me?” “Who else could I love?”

Requested by: @cyrusandhiscollaredahirts

Summary- kinda goes without saying. Peter says his first 'I love you'.

---------------------------------------

May Parker always kept a watchful eye over her nephew's relationships.

Aside from the fact that it was to be protective, it was like a little game for her. Trying to catch and determine what parts of how Peter loved were like her or Ben or his parents or just himself.

He was always incredibly touchy, like Ben had been.

And he loved to give gifts. That was May's thing.

He was a bit overprotective. Ben.

And he definitely was the jealous type. May.

Pet names were the big one that tuned May in to start watching for more in the first place. The first time she ever heard Peter calling you 'sweetheart' over the phone, May almost spat out her water. 'Sweetheart' was one of Ben's favorites.

And yeah okay Peter definitely had way more of Ben's love traits than May's. But she didn't mind. Quite the opposite.

But there was only one thing that held potential to being a problem.

May had brushed it off before due to her nephew's persistent bashfulness at first. But it really did seem now that one of Ben's most prevalent habits was about to show itself inside Peter at any moment.

Ben was never one to be patient with something or someone that he truly, deeply cared about.

If he wanted something, no matter how hard he tried to give it time, it'd just thread on him until he had to do something about it.

Which was why he was the first to say 'I love you.' And thankfully, May was ready to say it back when he did.

And May desperately wanted it to be the same for Peter.

And she didn't want to be judgmental, but she knew you were a Stark. And everything came easily to Starks, except one thing.

She'd seen how you were on the first date with Peter. How intimidated he'd been. How much your guard was up all the time.

She'd known how long it finally took you to say yes to being his girlfriend. How many times he had to ask and get an 'I need to work on myself first' or an 'I really do like you, but I'm not ready yet.'

She saw how much it broke Peter's heart even though he tried to stay hopeful. And how ecstatic he was when you finally decided that you could say yes.

You'd made lots of progress since then, but even now, with how comfortable you were with him, you were still cautious. It was almost as if you expected to be hurt. That at some moment Peter would pull off a mask and show you a 'true self'.

Normally, she'd try to sneakily butt in and ease your worries, but she knew it wasn't her place. You'd have to find out on your own that Peter would never hurt you.

And she could see that Peter was reaching that point that Ben often would. When there was only one thing on his mind and it would dominate his thoughts and it was like he was a balloon all too ready to pop.

"Give her time, Pete," May said one day out of the blue, causing Peter's head to snap up. "I know what you've been thinking about lately, and I just wanna tell you to give her some time. Trust your instinct."

Her nephew smiled, amazed at how well she could read him. He nodded. "Okay."

And true to his word, he waited until he felt the time was right.

He was walking you home, a lovesick smile on his face as you ranted passionately about some stupid tv show.

Your eyes held so much joy and wonder. He just wanted that to go on forever.

When he was little, he always thought it was corny when his uncle Ben would sit him down and tell him about his first 'I love you' with May. But now, he understood. Because this was a feeling that everyone should want to feel.

"Guess it's time to go, Pete," you said. "Thanks for tonight-"

"-I love you."

He said it confidently the first time. So sure and so certain that he wanted you to hear it.

But when you hadn't caught what he said exactly and wanted him to repeat it, it all went away. What if it wasn't what you wanted to hear? What if you weren't ready to say it back?

He looked down at his shoes. "I-i, um.." Taking a deep breath, he looked back into your eyes and said it again. "I said I love you..."

You didn't say it back immediately, and that really threw him for a loop. Instead, you shifted and looked anywhere but to him.

"I-i mean, you don't have to s-say it back. That's totally fine," he rambled. "I-i just s-sorta wanted you..to-to know..."

"Are you sure you love me?," you said, your eyes becoming a bit glossy.

You'd never heard those words spoken like that before. You never thought that you ever would.

A little confused, Peter scrunched his eyebrows together but smiled. "Who else could I love?," he chuckled a bit. "I mean, I do love Ned, and Aunt May, and Mr. Stark, and MJ... but none of them this way.. not like this," he confirmed for you.

He'd never seen such uncertainty in your eyes before. You held yourself and started to back away a bit, cluing to him that he'd done something wrong.

Maybe you weren't ready to say it back he figured. Maybe you wouldn't be for a long time. But he knew right then and there, that he wanted nothing more than for you to be, and he'd wait forever for it to happen.

"Look, [Y/N]. I'm sorry," he began, tearing up a bit, but there was no way he was gonna be crying in front of you. "You probably don't-"

He was shut up when he felt your arms tightly wrapped around him.

"I love you too," you said back, fully crying tears of joy at this point. "I love you so much Peter!"

At that, he started to cry too. You actually said it back. This was perfect. You were perfect.

"Full warning," he said, pushing back so that he could see your entire tear stained, doey eyed, perfect face. "Now that I've got you, I'm never letting you go."

All you did in response was smile widely and pull him closer. It was a confirmation of what the two of you had done. And neither of you would ever forget it.

"You're so precious, baby," he softly whispered into your ear. "I'll love y-"

"Um, excuse me why is my daughter crying?," a rough voice broke in.

The two of you looked to the side to see your father at the door with his arms crossed. He looked to Peter's face. "Oh and you're crying too," he noted. "And you're both smiling- Oh my God you didn't ask to marry her did you?"

"Their vitals show that they are happy, Mr. Stark," F.R.I.D.A.Y. broke in. "If you would like, I can play back the last five mintues recorded from the door for you; starting with the words 'I love you'. That phrase seems to have started this ordeal."

You and Peter looked to each other before you both burst into laughter. "That little snitch," you said.

Your father rolled his eyes. "Alright continue your little.. thing," he said. Then he pointed to Peter. "But you're not allowed in her bedroom tonight, underoos. Too many emotions going around and I don't trust it. You two stay in the living room."

"Oh-uh," Peter scratched the back of his head. "I actually better be on my way home for dinner. Have a nice night, Mr. Stark." He looked to you and his blush deepened. "Bye sweetheart. Love you."

"Love you too," you responded, to which your dad made vomit sounds as he walked into the building.

-

That night, Peter literally skipped down the sidewalk all the way home, humming and having spontaneous bouts of laughter.

Walking into his home, he quickly yelled out.

"May! May c'mere!"

"What's up?," she yelled back. "Did the date go well? What happened? Oh my gosh are you crying?"

Peter shook his head slightly. "No no no no I'm just...so happy right now!"

He ran to hug her, smiling brightly.

"She said it May... I told her and she said it back."

-

You walked into the game room after having a squealing fit in your room.

You walked in and was immediately met with... applause?

The entire team was sitting there looking at you and there was a cake... what?

You couldn't hear everyone because they were speaking all at once. It wasn't until you were patted on the shoulder and turned to see Rhodey standing there. "Hey kid..make sure you two have a condom when you finally...do it."

Your face scrunched up. "What?!"

"Yeah, Tony showed us the footage," Bruce said, appearing on the other side of you.

"He- what?!"

Bucky laughed, taking a big cut out of the cake. "Peter probably would've snuck into the bedroom with you too, if Tony hadn't cockblocked you. But yeah we threw you a little love party."

You blushed profusely as Sam swung an arm around you. "Hey Steve! That was a language word!"

Steve rolled his eyes and then looked to you. "Congrats [Y/N]."

"Okay, this is officially weird and I'm going to bed."

"Okay but check the room for any spiders first!," Rhodes yelled out, earning a middle finger as you walked away.

When you made it to your room, you threw yourself onto the bed with a sigh.

"He loves me...he actually loves me."