#i couldnt even focus in class today

[pinebambi]

I wasn't a part of the COD cosplay community on tik tok, but i had many mutuals who were, and i spoke with some of the cosplayers from time to time. Inquisitor Ghost was such a lovely guy. He genuinely was always so warm and positive, and to know that one lying pieve of shit drove him to take his own life is heartbreaking. Social media has seriously corrupted and robbed us of any morals or kindness we once had. He was a real person. The false accusers thought it would be FUNNY to make very serious accusations towards him, and mob mentality reared its ugly head. Im gutted. This is why no matter WHAT you hear about someome online you shouldnt go fucking harass them. Thats between the accuser and the accused, we are not the guardians of the weak we are WATCHERS. I fucking hope AJ and that other fuckhead have the wretched lives they deserve. If you are feeling suicidal or hopeless please reach out to me or anyone, because you are not alone. Spread positivity and love. Be kind to others and to yourself. Just please stop mobbing someone because of accusations because this is what happens

[wikoymi]

shuakes doodled in class

[fuckingarataswespeak]

School stress and scary kid update for those who know whats going on:

[angelicstrawberries]

NSFW? Well I have a request!

Could you do Kyle Broflovski finding out he has feeling for Y/N (who has the same bland no bs personality as Douchebag from Sot) But the poor boy just turns into a closet perv, he knows what he does is wrong and tries to hide it from everyone but it just gets worse.

YES YES YES I LOVE THIS TY

Warnings:smut, nsfw, pervy kosher boy

Kyles POV

I never really took myself for a pervert like Cartman or Kenny, but thats when I saw her. Y/N Y/L/N, she was perfect. In every way she caught my eye from her soft hair to her personality, she didnt take anyones shit. She won every fight (granted a lot of them were with fatass but that just made her hotter) I always felt bad for having those thoughts about her, but there was no doubt in my mind that she was the one for me. I memorized her class schedule, down to every minute just so i could pass her in the halls even if I was supposed to be going the opposite direction. She sat with us at lunch thanks to Cartman, weirdly enough she met him first probably because she made friends with butters, her neighbor and he introduced to two of them those lucky assholes get to live by Y/N while I have to walk all the way down the street to find her, I bike by her house daily, occasionally catching glimpses of her changing, when that happens i speed home with a boner in my pants. I love everything about her. Shes just so.. perfect how I would love to pin her against my bed, slamming into her.

Today I decided to try and get rid of my feelings, I was going to partner with Y/N for our class project. Once I did that I would have combined my main focus in life with her, not saying she wasnt on my mind every second of every day, one time i stole her panties, that was a low day. No way to get a boner if your doing hard math problems right? Wrong.

Y/Ns POV

I always knew kyle had a crush on me, because I had a crush on him. I memorized his class schedule and noticed how he would go the opposite direction of where he was supposed to go in the halls, he would sit across from me at lunch to ogle my tits, and bike by my house every day, I made sure to be changing during those times to watch him see me, quickly u-turn and race back home with a tent in his pants. I never really thought of myself to be that attractive but it sure was a confidence boost. I really wanted him to ask me out but it seemed he couldnt manage to get a word out without getting a boner, that is until he partnered up with me for a math project. “So my place or yours?” I questioned Kyle “my brother would annoy us so is your house cool?” He asked with a shade of pink over his cheeks “That works, my parents are gonna be out of the house” you said packing up your stuff to leave, “see you after school”.

Lunch

You walked over to your table hearing the familiar sound of Kyle having a fight with Cartman, “SHUT UP YOU SNEAKY JEW” Stan explained that Cartman called Kyles mom a bitch and Kyle said his mom was a whore. Once you split up the two of them having to slap Cartman just to stop him from throwing a tantrum you finally started eating, “so Kahl, how is it having a pervy crush on Y/N” Kyle turned to Cartman and punched him square in the face and once again you had to split the two of them up. Luckily no teacher saw and you all avoided detention, but you couldnt help but think about Kyle for the rest of the day.

At Home

Your doorbell ringed, you went to open the door and found Kyle standing there, sweaty and red shifting around uncomfortably, “come on in Kyle” you said “welcome to my humble abode” you giggled with arms spread as if your house was a castle.

Kyles POV

I stood there at her door, a nervous mess I ringed the doorbell when she opened the door my jaw almost dropped, she was wearing tighter clothes than what she wears at school, what was once a baggy t-shirt was a tight shirt excentuating her curves. “Come on in Kyle” she said “welcome to m y humble abode” she giggled twirling around with arms spread, you followed her upstairs watching her hips sway as she climbed the stairs holy fuck I want to take her against the wall right now.

I decided it was no time to be flustered. I was going to test the waters.

I placed one of my hands on her thigh as carefully as possible, I looked for her reaction, her face immediately turned red and her breath caught in her throat, cute. “Hey y/n” I turned towards her “y-yeah?” She was so flustered it was adorable “about what cartman said…” she stopped shakily working, “yeah?” “He was right” she faced me “finally” she said leaning in and kissing me.

IDK what POV this is

Kyles hand gripped yours, squeezing a bit. God his hand is so big you thought he slowly inched his hand towards the hem of your leggings, tugging them down while you fumbled with his zipper, “are you sure?” Kyle breathed out in a low groan “yes Im sure kyle” you said finally getting she zipper down “wait I want to do something first’’ Kyle said laying you back on your bed pulling off your leggings and shirt, his fingers danced to the hem of your panties slowly taking them off and revealing your core, you tried to close your legs, insecure about what he thought about you but he held them open “so fucking pretty” he said leaving little hickeys on your inner thighs, making his way to your labia, he spread them and saw your hole, it was beginning to clench around nothing at all, showing him jujst how desperate you were for him, he began licking circles around your clit before dragging his tongue down to your rim, licking around it before plunging his tongue into you, eating you out like a starved man. Your hands reached to his hair, pulling him away from your pussy, “please Kyle I need you” he needed to hear no more and slide off his boxers, your jaw almost hit the ground, this man was big.

Kyle got a smug smirk on his face, rubbing the tip of his cock on your hole, gathering up the wetness before easing himself into you with a low groan, your walls clenched around him, hugging him so perfectly he couldve sworn he was in heaven, he began pumping in and out of you, and putting a finger down to rub your clit, soon enough you orgasmed around him, he kept going through your orgasm, before finally emptying himself into you, pulling out and laying back on your bed.

You guys start dating <3

I HOPE THIS WAS GOOD ENOUGH

[iamunabletothinkofablogname]

Hey what's going on friend?

You want to talk about it?

/nf /genq

i keep getting bullied but today was especially bad it is a long story, but if your okay with listening, also eitherway thank you

first these dudes in my class kept making weird comments ['do you want to [-] me', 'does she know how to talk? Do i have to sign to you?', and meowing and making yippee noises at me] and similar shit,then the girl behind me kept kicking my chair and tugging at my keychain [alastor] even after i told her to stop and so i couldn't focus on anything, the teacher moved me from my spot [i dont have any friends at the school so i wasnt talking to anyone, but she was changing up the seating plan which was kind of annoying since my brain is so used to going and sitting on that exact spot and so my brain had to load it but i could deal with that honestly, its just the combination of this and other shit]. I kept hearing my name whispered around but i didnt know why or what since i have shitty hearing so it didnt hurt as much but still wasnt exactly fun Then when i went to the bathroom girls were kicking and punching at the door to get it to open and i had to just sit there silently until they went away, and when they went away they closed the lights and closed both doors [the toilet has 2/3 mini hallways since its the 'fancy' one], and so i had to spend most of break feeling around the walls to get out and find the light because it was one of my first times using the upstairs one. and of course this triggered a fucking panick attack because why wouldnt it and of course instead of being maybe a tad empathetic, they started laughing [maybe because of how i looked? idfk]. and then we went to the assembally [assembelly?] for some random ass speech by the principal which i couldnt hear because, again, people were tugging at my bag and after i pushed a girls hand away she started insulting me and my looks/personality and started fucking meowing at me, which her and her friends found 'hillarious' and then the bell rang and so i had to just ignore that and go to the pickup area, when i was there there were already some students talking to my youngest sister and insulting her bcus they knew she was my sister and she started crying which hurt more because she's 7 and she had no beef with them other than being my sister :I this all happened today and i had to just pretend nothing happened at home because my mum wont do anything and she certainly wont let me go back to my old school and sorry if this is a bit a lot /gen i am very overwhelmed right now

[muikitoo]

OMIGASH YUICHIRO?*?*?#?*!$;$?_;!_ IM SO EXCITED TO POST ABT HIM 😭😭

ALSO‼️‼️ IM POSTING THIS A BIT EARLY BC WHY NOTTT 😭

You and the tokito twins have known eachother for a while now. You were practically inseparable, but you always felt something for the older twin, yuichiro. You would occasionally stutter around him and your cheeks would flush with a tinge of red. You didnt know why you felt like this, but you would bubble with excitement every time u and yuichiro interacted. He might have been cold and bit harsh at times, even to you and mui, but you knew he just cared a lot about you both.

(Muichiro would often sneak up on you and give u a smug smile every time u got nervous around yui, you mentally and jokingly cursed at him for that hehe)

You were currently sitting uncomfortably in your seat during your last class, looking nervously at the clock and impatiently waiting for this hell to end. You were going over to the twins house after school because yuichiro was gona help u study for an upcoming test that was quite important.

The second the bell rang, you were the first to sprint out of the room.

Yuichiro was already waiting for you infront of the school, he looked at you as you ran up to him panting.

"well took you long enough" yuichiro said with a chuckle.

"give me a break.." you said as you tried to wipe the sweat off of your forhead.

"Muichiro had less classes today, so he went home early. Shall we head there now?" He said and you nodded. Starting to walk away from the hell called school.

You arrived and you greeted Muichiro after u took your shoes off. You went into yuis room, closing the door after. You set your bags down and opened them, taking your books out.

"Alright, Lets start." Yuichiro said, opening his notebook.

It had been around 45 minutes since you started. You couldnt focus at all. You kept staring at how pretty Yuichiro looked, ugh this would be impossible to manage.. You mentally scolded yourself when Yuichiro spoke up.

"Hey, are you even listening?" He said with a bit of irritation in his voice.

"oh, yea, sorry!" You replied, sweat dropping.

Yuichiro got a bit nervous, pink blush spreading across his sweet cheeks. "Right- uhm.." he said flustered. He wanted to snap you out of your thoughts so you would finally listen to him.

He thought for a little when an idea popped inside his head, he instantly felt nervous and a chill ran down his spine. He slowly looked back at you. You were both sitting in silence for a few minutes now.

Leaning in, he fluttered his eyes shut as he planted a sweet kiss on your cheek. It was brief, but so very tender.

You snapped out of your thoughts, eyes widening in realisation. Yuichiro had leaned back to his previous spot, refusing to make eye contact as his face was atleast 50 shades of red.

"i uhm... Wanted to.. snap you out of your thoughts.. and make you listen to me.." he mumbled enough for you to hear.

"Oh.. uhm.. y-yea.. it worked" you chuckled.

"Lets just continue.." He said, tho he was unsure if he would be able to concentrate now.

Before you could nod, you both heard a small giggle coming from behind the door.

"Aww~ I cant wait to post this!" Muichiro said, door creaked open and his phone recording.

"MUICHIRO!!!" you and yuichiro said in union, absolutely flustered out of your mind as you try and stop yuichiro from pouncing on his younger twin brother to take his phone away.

AHH I ENJOYED WRITING THIS SO MUCH!! YUI IS SO CUTEE I WAS SO EXCITED SINCE I DONT RLLY SEE FANFICS OF HIM🤭 I HADD TO MAKE SUPPORTIVE MUI 👊 IDK IF THIS RLLY COUNTS AS STUDY DATE BUT OH WELL.

[bridgyrose]

I kind of want to see more of that Yandere!Cinder thing you did

(I didnt expect to go any further with it, so... here we are)

Ruby walked through the Beacon halls, swearing she was in a haze of sorts as she continued to make her way from class to class. Faces seemed blurred as she passed by the other students, voices practically muffled as she continued through the day, only really able to focus on the professors for each class. It was almost like she wasnt herself. 

“Ruby!” 

Ruby’s heart practically jumped as she heard Cinder’s voice, relaxing a bit as she still saw her as clear as day as she felt Cinder embrace her into a hug. “Hey Cin.” 

“Want to train after classes?” Cinder asked. 

“O-oh, sure,” Ruby answered, watching as the other students seemed to avoid her. Even with unclear faces, she could still see them turn away. “I-I dont exactly have any plans anyway right now.” 

“Not even with your team?” 

“Yang and-” She went quiet as she tried to figure out a way to answer Cinder, not even sure of what her teammate’s names were anymore. She couldnt see their faces, couldnt remember names or voices, but she knew she had a team. They were there every night, even if they did avoid her. “Yang and the others will be fine if I’m not around. I dont have any plans with them tonight once I’m finished with homework.” 

“That’s great!” 

Ruby put up a nervous smile as she rubbed the back of her neck, fingers rubbing over a still healing spider bite. There was something about the sound of Cinder’s voice that felt… off… to her, but she still couldnt quite place why. There wasnt anything malicious about her excitement, even if Cinder seemed to have a death grip on her hand, nothing out of the ordinary with how cautious she was as other students passed by, always making sure to keep her away from others. And yet, it all still felt as if there was something glaringly wrong with her. 

Cinder’s smile dropped to a look of worry as she pulled Ruby close. “Everything okay?” 

“Y-yeah, lost in thought,” Ruby answered as she pulled away from Cinder to get to class. “I’ll see you once classes are done, alright?” 

“Of course.” 

Ruby smiled a bit as she walked into class, sitting down near her team. Her smile fell as she listened to them speak amongst themselves, voices still muffled as she tried to pay attention to Port’s class. It wasnt til class was half over that she realized her breathing was starting to become more shallow and her arms had started to shake. 

“M-may I be excused?” Ruby asked quickly as she raised her hand. 

Professor Port sighed, but gave a small nod. “Be quick.” 

Ruby rushed out of class with her semblance and made her way to the nearest bathroom, nearly collapsing against the sink. Sweat dripped down her face as she took a few deep breaths to calm herself, eyes practically flashing as the light shined on them until the room was filled with a bright, silver light for a brief moment. 

As her vision cleared, she saw a small string of grimm ash and smoke leave her through the healing spider bite. Once she could move again, she splashed some water on her face to wash away the sweat, arms still shaking as she took a few breaths. Once she felt  calm enough, she started to make her way back to class, nearly pausing as everything seemed clear again. Faces that seemed blurry and voices that had been muffled could be heard clearly again, though names still seemed to be missing as she made her quietly into class. 

“Everything okay, Rubes?” Yang asked. 

“Y-yeah, I’m fine,” Ruby answered back in almost a half mumble, only now realizing how far away she sat from her team, three chairs between her and her sister. “I-I guess I’ve been in a bit of a funk today.” 

Weiss rolled her eyes at Ruby. “So now you want to talk to us.” 

“You can be a bit nicer to her,” Blake said in almost a hushed whisper to Weiss. “She clearly has something on her mind.” 

“That doesnt mean she had to ignore us.” 

Ruby went back to listening to Professor Port, taking notes as the haze around her seemed to slowly lift away, a few names coming back to her as she listened to her team. Though, her mind started to wander as she tried to find a few ways to explain what had been going on with her. A haze that clouded her mind, only able to focus on a few people enough to see them clearly, to hear them, only for others to think that she was pulling away or pushing them away by ignoring them. 

With a heavy sigh, she wrote down Cinder’s name in her notes, circling it a few times as she quietly wrote a small question under the name. 

What did she do to me?

Prev

[cluelylikesporn]

okay exam update cuz im actually really pissed off.

so im autistic + adhd, and only been diagnosed relatively recently, so i havent really been getting assistance until now. (autism diagnosis last year, adhd 2 years ago.)

my last exam was (still is) this period, and im going home once i finish it. one of my other exams i was sent to special ed (it’s called different things in australia and other schools but i dont wanna get doxxed) and the chick helping me (we’ll call her charlie) told me she couldnt even read the questions out to me… like i legit get more help in my normal exam conditions.

she told me WHILE HAVING A PANIC ATTACK “i think i know why your so upset, because you know you dont listen in class and just sleep and draw on your hand.” cunt, what..?

HOW ARE YOU WORKING WITH NEURODIVERGENT KIDS..?

i literally have spent my whole life wondering why i cant listen in class and hearing “just reread it.” or “your not listening hard enough.” is so fucking tiring. maybe explain it? she refused to help me because i “wasnt approved” to have a helper

the school knows im autistic so why do i have to be approved to get the help i need? like you dont have to make up all these forms and files. you have teachers who can help me literally in the building who could help me but you refuse.

okok i got rlly off topic but tldr on what happened today:

my teacher sent me to the special ed area to do my exam (last time he did they told me to go back) also shout out to my english teacher hes a legend. he gave me my sheet, i took a ritalin, said bye to the people i liked and left. (i used to take ritalin daily but now i jst take it to focus better in exams and shit)

i went to se and saw a couple kids i knew. one i hated and didnt know why he was there, one who has some mental problems so i understood why he was there. hes a sweetie. and some chick i knew who broke her wrist and had to write on a laptop.

so one by one they were assigned a teacher who would sit with them and help them/ read out questions and then the lady said “oh chloe your not supposed to be here, you have to go back to class.”

are you fucking kidding me.

i completely understand its not her or my teachers fault im not meant to be there, but im allowed to be a little frustrated. i asked why i kept getting sent here and why i couldn’t get help.

same shit about documents and boring stuff.

keep in mind i get ndis funding so i thought that would impact my education experience but nope, literally nothing. i also understand there could be things my mum hasnt done and that’s completely ok she has her own life, but also THE SCHOOL KNOWS IM AUTISTIC. that should be enough. its like i only get the help if i start ditching class and become an eshay or some shit like i shouldnt have to become a troubled kid to get help.

so the lady said my only benefit i even got from the school is like 5 minutes extra time. and she told me i could either go back to class or do my exam here( which means i could get no help/ questions read to me.)

ngl this was dumb of me but i said ok bc i didnt want to go back to class after saying bye to everyone😭

so i sat there with one airpod in, a pen that didnt fucking work, the only help i could get was eavesdropping on what the assistant teachers were saying but they were so quiet. i did manage to write some stuff but it was pretty fucking stressful. i couldnt stop thinking about what charlie said (the lady helping me with my maths the week before.)

this may sound super dumb but i saw a crow fly onto a table outside and i felt like it was watching over me. like it was looking right at me. it made me feel a bit better and i got some work done.

it wouldve been fine if those fucking assistant teachers didnt keep giving me pitiful looks like bro. i know im fucked.

anyway i finished my exam (barely) and went to the bathroom to tell my friend ab what happened, caught a bus home and am about to play dbd 😾

sorry for the long post im jst so pissed😭 but ily guys and ill post i swear🙏

song of the day:

[cheyandyukisystem-jiraiblog]

Here wo go, another list

Bad things today:

Woke up with sore throat and headache, fell asleep earlier than I wanted to the night before and missed tons of messages

Tired, ended up sleeping through all of history class

Very annoyed by everything

My internet isn't working, can't message anyone on discord

Lunch was bad so I didn't eat

Everything just feels wrong for no reason, sensory very uncomfortable

I'm not even included in conversations, people barely talk to me, I feel left out

Not doing well on rhythm games today

My legs hurt really bad

Got into an argument with my FRIEND who I found out was a fashion landmine on Reddit, ended up telling them "go die" because I was really upset and felt really really awful after, ended up blocking them on everskies and deleting my reddit account and deleting reddit itself

^couldnt focus in my first class because of that

[nevadabloodnotes]

This is the cutest thing ever. I hope you like fluff cAUSE THERE'S A BUNCH OF IT. -Mod Sanford

"Today was one of kind, one that wouldnt be classed as unusual, except if you lived in Nevada. A bright, sunny day. No one knows how the hell it happened over night, but for one, the sky was a bright beautiful pink, and the sun was shining warmly on the bloody, destroyed desert of Nevada, and you, a young yet active grunt, decided this will be the perfect to gather inspiration for your one peaceful hobby: Art.

You were recruited by the AAHW for your detailed and well drawn designs of grunt anatomy, you were hired to give ideas and draw out potential future MAG agents for the scientists to build and make, but despite you working for one of thr largest corporations of the state, all you really care is about drawing, and you have fun with it regardless, and today you wanted to create a one of a kind masterpiece.

As you were all set and ready to leave the building, something big walked towards you, it's footsteps rumbling the ground underneath you and making heavy sounds, it was Torture, the AAHW's most perfect MAG and what you consider your best piece of grunt body horror anatomy yet"

You tried to create a bond with the creature you helped to create, but since they're considered as weapons, you werent allowed to make contact with it for the fear of, and as they quote "Making it soft". You dont know why he's out of his room, or even how he knew you were leaving for that matter, maybe he was assigned to keep you company? You shrug and smiled at the giant mutated grunt"

Im going out to enjoy the nice day and draw, are you coming along?" You asked with a soft tone

It didnt answer, it just kept a stern look at you, practically emotionless. You once again shrugged and made your way out, the agent following right by your side

It took a while for your vision to get used to the bright light, but once it did, you were in awe, the desert was easier to see under the light then it is when the sky is dim and red, you giggled in glee and rushed towards your drawing spot. But as you started to happily run, you felt something hold you by the neck of your shirt, you turned and it was Torture, still emotionless

You didnt know why it was doing that, maybe it was ordered not to let you leave out of his sight? You sighed and offered his hand to him

"We can walk together if that's what you want" You said kindly

The MAG agent, without any show of emotion, took your tiny little hand onto his own two fingers, he was so gentle, you were amazed on how amazing it was

You both walked to the drawing spot, you had no trouble getting there cause every grunt you passed by was instantly intimidated by the huge MAG that held hands with you, it was quite nice not having to battle everyone in sight for once

You got to your spot, it was a little preserved area with green grass and a tree to lean under, the tree was practically dead but was good support. You sat down with your back against the tree and started the gears in your mind to create your best piece yet, the MAG agent simply stood aside and kept watch over you.

You sketch and design and let your mind work, and for a while it was going well, until you vision started getting a little blurry.. You shake your head and tried to regain focus, but you couldnt you were feeling quite hot and your eyes hurt a little bit

You realized the problem was the over exposure of your eyesight to the new sudden bright light, it was a first time since a long time and your vision has gotten used to the dim light of Nevada. You rubbed your eyes, hoping it could work, but it only made you dizzy and your head start hurting

You groaned in frustration, you werent even 20 minutes into doodling and you already feel like crap, your head wasnt hurting too much, but it was annoyingly pounding against your skull

You tried to force yourself to work with the pain but, of course, that was a stupid idea and only made it worse, to the point you had to lay down on the grass, the hot, scalding grass. Everything was also hotter now? This just killed the mood entirely, part of you wanted to go home but you were too sick and desoriented to get up, you might collapse if you did, you never had a good immune system anyways.

You were rubbing the sides of your head, trying to ease the pain, when suddenly it got.. darker? You looked around you and there was a sudden big shadow right on top, you looked up to see.. Torture, sitting next to you and using his huge size and his hand to make shade for you.

You were confused, but really flattered. You didnt think you'd spend enough time with him to create a bond strong enough for him to aid you in not only in your pain, but in your passion. Your glee allowed you to get uo and hug the MAG Agent as best as you could

"Thank you!" You gleefully shouted, the MAG Agent let out a growl that resembled a purr, using his free hand to gently pat you, you giggled at the affection

You were good as new to work again, with the refreshing shade of your assigned MAG, you doodled and sketched away with such a fiery passion, the paper could catch on fire

After some good time, it was ready, your magnum opus, you look at Torture who was still expressionless but kept providing you the shade you needed

"You wanna see?" You asked with a tone of joy

Tortune tilted his head like a cat, he looked interested. You turned your paper to reveal your masterpiece. It was a drawing of you and Torture together, in the sweet times you spend today, when he held your hand and providing you shade

Torture got closer to look at the art, and something you never expected suddenly happened... Torture, suddenly smiled for the first time, along with a tear going down his eye. You couldnt believe it, he was showing emotion, joy and at the same time, flattery

Your heart softened, you ran to the MAG to give him your best hug, which he picked you up by his hand and held him as closely as he could, still being as gentle as ever, you smiled wide in joy, your heart full with glee

"I love you too, Torture" You whispered for only the both of you to hear

Soon, the daylight was coming to a fade, and it was time to go back. You were tired from drawing, so Torture carried you on his shoulder, you absolutely had a blast, it was like one of your japanese animes

You arrived at AAHW, and Torture had to go back to his room, contained until his next mission, your heart ached a little bit, but you could always visit him when no one was around

When no one was looking, the MAG Agent turned towards you and waved with another small, but sincere smile. You smiled and waved back, happy that you're best creation yet has finally developed the last piece every masterpiece needed

A Heart.

[dausy]

I sat in the weirdest, by far, staff meeting I've ever sat in at my new job. This is when I wish livejournals friends-only mode was still a thing on the internet.

I..no comment..on the bright side I'm wasting my first paycheck on all sorts of stupid stuff. I'm so exciting and holding off until next friday!

I mentioned on twitter this was my first day off where I got to be home by myself since before the move and instead of using it wisely I instead got too excited and anxious and then couldnt do anything. I just couldn't sit still. I'd sit at my drawing table but then have to get up and move. I'd turn on the playstation and then couldn't sit still to focus. Reading would be out of the question. I did make myself some little digital stickers in procreate. I'd like to one of these days make little digital stickers of actual watercolor doodles. I don't have the patience for bullet journaling but I guess they could be used as bujo stickers. I thought it sounded fun and like a good excuse to use supplies to draw like little watercolor mushrooms or little watercolor fire hydrants and then turn them into digital stickers. Today could have been a day to do that but alas, I cant focus. I even walked my dog to the mailbox but felt like I needed to run back as if that was wasting time. So I did a lot of, probably doom scrolling but I couldn't even sit still for tiktok.

I did make an important phonecall and went to the gym though. One thing I really want to do is plow my backyard. Its full of so many stickers (what they call "goat heads" down here) that my dog cant go outside. I'd really like to be able to throw her ball out there. I sprayed a few weeds and we bought a lawn mower this past weekend. But I don't really have any other lawn care utensils or means to scour the yard for its version of doomlegos. Ive contacted a few lawn service companies but nobody services on post housing.

I'm in a studying mood again, like I want to take notes on some sort of class in a notebook.

[imnooneyouknow]

i felt everything and nothing today

right i need name labels because i dont wanna use names

friend 1: favourite person (hi there :33) i hang out with alotttt

friend 2: one of my bestest friends and my first friend in secondary

friend 3: also a friend of mine. ive started to dislike them a bit

OKAY SO WHAT HAPPENED TODAY so we were in class like first period and friend 2 was like really sick. not really really sick but they were 100% sick enough to be upset. which i absolutely hate when theyre upset, theyre the only one which i could show extremeee empathy towards, like all the times gheyve cried ive either cried or almost cried. anywaysss i asked them if they were alright (which they werent) and so did friend 3. idk but recently i feel like 3 is trying to be even closer to 2 than i am. which i get, theyre both close and match energies, but it just sucks. its like one of the reasons im alive. 3 sent 2 to wellbeing and that also just sucked because i couldnt be there. it made me feel so insignificant to them and so fucking small. i feel like km losing my best friend ir sucks.

later today i tried texting 2 to see how theh were doing and 3 also did and said j copied them. i was really stupid to scream in their ear but i was just in general really mad. then 3 and one of my other friends were talking and stopped when i came over. my friend told them to text them later. i assume they were talking about me.

3 also emphasise and talks alot about how im always with 1 and that i love them more than everyone else. they are my favourite person in the world thats why i seem more attached to them, because i am. but it just seems like thats the only thing they focus about when it comes to me?? they also make jokes about us being gay, and while i love 1 to pieces, i cant see them in any other way than platonic. i dont know how to establish boundaries and say rhat i dont like jokes like that.

anyways about today. for like half of today (since 2 was gone) i was either on the verge of tears, relapsing or dissociating. no one noticed tho. i really really wanted (this is gonna sound rlly bad) an ego boost, i thought that’d make me feel better. i didnt get one but whatever.

so in summary 3 is a better friend to 2 than me and it makes me want to cry and throw things :(

[blackvail22]

10/01/23

12:48am - i always have my hopes up... i always want the best possible outcome to happen. everything needs to go right... it just has to. i need to keep low expectations. he doesnt care, and if he wants to leave me on read on two different platforms for 7 hours, hey... who am i to judge? i knew this would happen.

im the sad girlfriend, the one that overthinks constantly. i cant help it.. its something i was taught. so many ppl around me keep lying, and im tired of it. so many things im anxious and overthinking do end up happening.

i want to be happy, but i cant let myself .. i sabotage myself, doing things i know i shouldnt, and its... killing me.

i mnew things being at a high would make my lows go even lower

at this rate ill need my counselor every 3 days after my appointments because I AM STRUGGLING

also i think i developed some sort of ... something w my science teacher last year because every time i see photos of him my heart stops and i almost start crying. i would always want to look the best esp for his class like i never wanted to be a mess near him... so thats unhealthy!

but i am struggling.... what's new!!!!

12:31pm - yesterday did have some fun parts though, and i habe to remember that. my friends visited me at work yesterday before they went to homecoming, and i had fun with my coworker. i focus on the negative a lot... its a habit i need to get rid of

2:20pm - thinking abt how my new coworker invalidated my identity like u dont have to be androgynous to go by they/them, just like u dont have to be masculine to go by he/him and feminine to go by she/her.... like...

11:50pm - im not going to lie, i really dont want to work tomorrow. that means i only have one day off this week... even though my shift tomorrow is only three hours, thats three hours i could spend in my bed after my appointment. and i have to wake up early tomorrow to do a lab that the place i went to couldnt do for my appointment tmrw... im so stressed out. oh, also, someone i went to school with and have mutual friends with said to me today they dont remmeber me at all,, and that kinda sucks! i mean, i didnt talk too much, but you still have to at least notice me... we have mutual friends... she sat behind me in lunch??? during our music department trip, we talked to each other. all well. it doesnt matter anymore, does it?

i cant stop feeling sorry for myself. if i want change with myself, i have to di it... why is it so hard? i really want to live in someone elses body... im sososo tired of mine. i want a different life and different experiences. i want to live in my ideal world, and its impossible now...

[m1dn1ghtposts]

// tw: suicide, death, self harm, sexual assault, mental illness, vent //

00:22 am

i saw a post about wondering if your 12 year old self would be proud of you today, and i really thought about everything that’s happened. i’ve done some great things but some equally bad ones too, so in this post i’ll go through some of those.

- i graduated high school early with a high gpa

i also reached record suicide attempts when i switched schools, almost succeeded a couple of times, and relapsed into self harm… something she hated. i still pick at my skin, and think about joining my love pretty often. i was physically and verbally abused because a guy that tried to rape me while i was under the influence got mad when i rejected him. yeah i skipped a grade, but i lost everyone, and nobody believed in me until my name was read off at graduation. if i didnt have my partner at the time i would have broken down completely, theres no way i could come back from that much of a dark place and been okay.

- i got accepted into the college i wanted to go to

my car, the only thing that has consistently kept me hanging on to this life, was keyed while i was there. my roommates were toxic and lied to my partner to disrupt my relationship. i couldn’t focus on my classes because they would have people over until anywhere from midnight to 3am. i couldnt get a job because whenever i would show up in my usual dark outfits and makeup to any place in the little country town i would get great reviews as far as capabilities and qualifications go, but never a call back. id also get weird looks all the time, maybe im crazy and seeing things but when a bunch of boys say im scary looking and they feel threatened i dont always take it as a compliment. not to mention the sudden and horrific passing of my partner during finals, the event that drove me to dropping out. to this day im fighting for a refund, despite it all happening within the fall of 2022 semester.

- i drive a cool car and found a really neat interest

i hardly ever get compliments, and my car is damaged, though i’ll never say exactly where. theres chips in the paint where rust pokes through, a piece missing from my windows tint, sun damage on parts of my paint, scratches everywhere either from the keying or from her previous owners… i could point out every little flaw forever. i love my car so much, its crazy to me that i never realized earlier how much i love cars, but that doesn’t mean anybody else appreciates the work and money i put into my car to keep her clean and shiny. not to mention how misogynistic the car community is. its depressing to see some of the posts ive seen, saying how women terrible drivers and dont know anything about cars. not only is it depressing to see from some of my favorite content creators, but its making me want to stop trying. stop pouring so much effort into something nobody will appreciate except me. maybe this is dramatic, but its true to me. once every month or two it takes a few of my friends to convince me to keep trying and keep building her up, but when most of what i see is negativity its very hard to ignore. i dont need everyone to like my car, i dont need everyone to be accepting of women either, i just want to feel like im a part of a community i allign a lot with. isnt the whole point to bond over wanting to modify your car and watch the progress?

- i did great in band and survived all 3 years of marching band (remember, i skipped a year)

i havent touched my trumpet in forever and started smoking sophomore year from stress, right around the school change. i know its bad and will kill me someday, but do i really care? so what, im only alive today because of pure luck. its really sad to say, but i couldnt care less about when this all ends, all i want is to feel okay. i just want to have this small vice and if it kills me someday so be it. also, for every great achievement in band i screwed up a run equally as bad or just didnt even play the music. its hard to stay motivated in a place that hates you.

basically, for every achievement i can boast, there’s an equal or greater bad side to it. at least thats what it seems like. maybe im just negative, or maybe im realistic. why should i lie to myself anyways? my 12 year old self was great at every subject and at least tried to be happy and spread joy despite the bullying. she didnt know about her own abuse, from a family member no less. she didnt know why her step brother liked touching her privates or why he kept doing weird things with her dolls. now it just keeps happening, with everybody i hold close. not even just sexual assault, but manipulation ive learned to notice, straight up abuse that i never recognized. honestly, my current self sees no real value in doing really anything, i’ll lay in bed all day if i cant get up. i could have failed out of college and i couldnt even get a job until it was fully remote. i abuse my body and i cant stop, i dont know how. i smoked weed in college because i couldnt sleep or calm down and now most nights there are a blur, its all i had to cope while 1.5 hours away from my partner… when i had him. maybe its my fault, maybe i just screw up everything i touch like the inverse of midas. i cant tell, i just know im losing it.

[recover--with--me]

Day 2, 14/10/22

I went to school today. I was only there for three periods. By the time I had to go from second period to third I could barely make it to class in time due to not being able to walk near as fast as i used to. In third period i was half asleep and couldnt even focus on what i was trying to draw or write. After i got home i took a nap for 3 hours. I cant sit up with proper posture for more than a minute, my back is too weak for it. I had the chance to attend a social event but had to pass it up due to my busy weekend, I need to conserve energy because I have social gatherings all weekend. Now after my nap, the head fog isnt as severe but is definitely still present, and as for the headache I've had it hasnt gotten any better. I've already drank two bottles of water, therefore I am not dehydrated. I dont know the cause of the headache but it could be from whatever us causing all the other symptoms.

[neobisexual]

i am so sick of being fucking insane