#i definitely would have regretted it my whole life if i hadnt

[sisusen]

.

[spookypotato]

Wow I loved that ankle fic!! If you are still looking for fics I would really enjoy one where Sirius is caught skating before he’s been cleared, maybe with a couple of the other boys and he gets in loads of trouble, lol dw just ignore if it’s bad idea 😄

1. Thank you! I'm happy you liked it.

2. Oooh yess! I hope I can do this idea justice, because I like it a lot. That's such a Sirius thing!

3. Also I love requests. I have quite a hard time coming up with good ideas but I love to write, so thank you!

Characters by @lumosinlove 💙 Thank you for this universe!

Sirius has been on the ice once, since the 'accident'. It went about as good as watching a toddler take his first steps, but in the end he was able to skate slow laps without falling down. It was stupid. He did this for a living. He had been - not to brag, just stats - one of the best. And now he was sitting on the bench waiting for the team to clear out, so he could go through the pain of skating in a circle for half an hour.

After their practice was over, Sirius went back, to the lockerroom with the boys. He could at least help them theoretically. James asked, how he was doing, as he did each week sometime more than once. Sirius - as he did each week - answered with a: "too slow for my liking". James responsible-motherhen-instict was now, nowhere to be found, when he suggested going skating later that day once even the staff had cleared out.

"You want me to risk my recovery to skate properly now instead of in a few months? Are you crazy!?", is what Sirius should have said.

"So when and where are we meeting?", is what came out of his mouth in a whisper.

That's how after the 10 laps, he did with (almost) ease today, he told Loops, that he was going to stay and do some more streches.

"You can overdo it, you know?", Remus told him, "just be careful alright? I know you'd be devastated, if all of your progress was ruined. And I would be the one having to listen to you whine."

"Firstly, I dont whine. Ever." -thats a lie and both of them knew it- "and secondly, thank you so much for your concern about my well-being, but I'll be careful, mum", Sirius added theatrically annoyed.

"This is literally my job. To tell you to be careful, so that you can play next season."

"So you dont really care about my well-being then, Loops?", Sirius gasped dramatically.

"Dont overdo it. See you tomorrow, Cap."

"Bye, Re."

The rink was silent. It was just him.

Then he nearly fell over as James jumped on him from behind.

Correction, it was just him and James.

"So, you're feeling up to playing?", James asked, standing on his own now.

"Do you really think you can win a one on one against your Captain, Potty?", Sirius challenged.

"Yes. But also I was thinking we wait for the others to join first. They should be here in a second."

"You told the others? If anybody finds out we'll be in so much trouble.", Sirius was beginning to regret his decision.

"So you dont want to play with us?", Finn's voice came out of the tunnel.

"Betrayed by our own captain?!", Logan's voice followed.

The cubs and Kasey stood in front of them now.

"Did nobody of you think it was a bad idea to come?!", Sirius asked.

"Well, our captain thinks it's fine, apparently." "And we found out about it a minute ago that someone will be blocking the rink during goalie-practise times", Leo completed Finn's thoughts.

"So we thought we'd stay with Nut and see if you suck now.", Logan added.

And because Sirius was already excited to just play a little, he answered an "Oh, it's on, Tremzy!" from where he was lacing his skates a bit tighter to give his ankle at least some stability.

Kasey hadn't been much for the idea of his Captain playing again. He knew from his thighs, that disregarding Loops orders, would only lead to a longer break. But since he would have been at the rink because of his goalie-practise anyway, he decided he would stay. Just to keep an eye on them, of course.

Definitely not, because he was missing his captain as much as the rest of the team on the ice.

Once they were all on the ice, James let Sirius choose his Teammates in a three on three. It ended in Potts, Logan and Leo against him, Finn and Kasey.

They all got their sticks and let Sirius' team have the puck first. And so his first after-recovery-game began.

He knew they went easy on him and for the first time he was glad about that. It made the game easier. He got less competitive than usual and thus put less pressure on his recovered ankle.

They passed the puck easily between one another. It felt like he had never been gone. Skating had been so had the first time afterwards, but as soon as he held his stick, he felt like this was were he always belonged.

Sirius got it to Finn and he shot it back. Kasey acting as a player now skated through the middle. He got the puck from Sirius and went for the goal. It hadnt been a bad shot at all, but for Leo there was no fun in letting the puck go in on purpose, so he blocked it and shot it to Logan.

The game went back and forth a few times, Sirius always staying on his good side. He even scored twice. He felt good. It was the first time in a long the he felt truly happy, even.

"Sirius!", came a shout from the boards. It was Lupin. A Angry-Faced Lupin. A kind of Lupin he hadnt seen in a long time. So Sirius decided to better skate over quick but carefully. The others luckily got the hint to be quiet. Or the just wanted to eavesdrop who knows.

"Sirius.", Remus repeated. "I told you to not overdo it-twice, might I add- and you decided playing a game with the team would be a good idea? I'm checking you again and yes, that is absolutely necessary. What were you thinking? You could have undone all you worked for so hard. Not just the last few months but your entire life. You could have never been able to play, do you know that?"

"Yes", Remus was never usually this angry. But Sirius thought he also saw something else in his eyes. Something between relief and excitement, he guessed.

"I hope I scared you enough with that whole speech, for you to not do it again unless I tell you you can, okay?", Loops actually waited for an answer this time. He seemed a bit more relaxed now.

"Ouai, pardon"

"No need to say sorry to me, it would have been your- Well, I do have more work now- actually yeah, say sorry, but it's no problem. I'm honestly just really glad your not currently on the ice with another broken bone.", Remus told him warmly. "Still, dont tell Arthur any of this. All of you!", he shouted to the rest still standing there. " And I will look at your ankle again, if something happens it's better to know sooner than later. Will you wait in the in the medic room?"

"Thanks. Yeah, I'll just take off the skates first.", Sirius answered, while making his way dont to the locker rooms. It was- if he hadnt broken anything again, which it didnt feel like- totally worth it. For the first time in months he actually felt like all the work had made a difference.

"Potts", he heard Loops again, while walking through the tunnel, "Potter, I know this was your idea. Come here and explain yourself."

[brelione]

Not as Terrible (Rafe Cameron X Routledge!Reader)

Warnings:Not proof read, swearing

Being John.B’s older sister was definitely and adventure.You were only older by a year but that one year age gap did a lot for you.Whether it was arguments or discussions on who would do a dangerous task you could always pull the older sibling card.

Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didnt but it was always worth a shot.But then again being the older sibling and John.B’s only family meant that you had other responsibilities,including messing up anyone that messed with him.

Rafe kissed you gently, a grin on his face. “I love you.”He grinned,hands in your hoodie pocket. “I know.I gotta go soon,JB’s gonna get made at me.”His face fell,pouting. “He shouldnt be your responsibility.”He grumbled,holding you tight.

You simply shrugged, not wanting to go through your life story and how it was now your job to take care of him.He could never understand the situation, he didnt really give a damn about Sarah.He also had a father, a shitty one for sure but he still had a father at least.He couldnt understand being a pogue either.

You guys were completely different in pretty much every way imaginable but ‘opposites attract’ or whatever bullshit. “I know….I’ll see you tomorrow though, right?”You asked,sitting up.He nodded,pulling you into another quick kiss before kissing your forehead lightly.

 “Dont forget to hate me.”You reminded him,opening his window and sliding down the fire escape,feeling his eyes on you as you hopped the fence.He sighed, becoming tired of the little game you guys had to play.

Because Rafe was the direct enemy of your brother and his friends that meant that you were supposed to avoid him entirely.It was just the rules of life.But that being said if you ever came across one of your brothers enemies you had to mess with them.

That included messing with Rafe,randomly showing up and flicking the back of his head,disappearing before he knew it was you.It started as you being an annoying presence to ruin his day,spitting gum onto his windshield or placing fake tickets on his car.

But slowly you started falling in love with him because of course you did.It was fucked up but you couldnt stop it, him eventually falling for you too.Thats when this little game began, sneaking out of your house and over to Rafe’s to cuddle and watch movies together,coming home late at night when John.B and his friends were having a fire.

JJ would pull you onto his lap, asking where you had been.He had a thing for you, claiming that it would be fine if the two of you guys got together because you were only eight months older than him so it wasnt that strange.

The age gap itself wasnt strange, it was the fact that he was your brother’s best friend for the last eight years that made things strange.You were fine with sitting in his lap while he whispered jokes into your ear in attempts to get you to laugh.

Of course it felt a little wrong because you were dating Rafe but you couldnt exactly tell him that without John.B finding out too, instead just letting JJ mess around with you because you knew nothing was going to come from it.

The next day you were decided to go with them to the beach, regretting it when you saw Rafe with Topper and Kelce, sitting in beach chairs with beer bottles in their hands.You saw JJ’s jaw clench, John.B rolling his eyes.

 “Why are they here?This isnt fair.”You brother grumbled, Pope nodding in agreement.The five of you decided to sit in the sand for a while,JJ’s hand on your knee almost like he was trying to protect you from Rafe’s eyes.If only he knew.Rafe kept looking over to you, a blush on his cheeks as he did so.

Eventually they left, leaving you and your brothers friends alone on the beach. “You know, I think im just gonna head back home.I have a headache.”You told them, making your way up the sandy hills before they could question it.As you began your walk down one of the dirt streets to get back to the house a bike pulled up next to you, your boyfriend being the one riding it.

 “Hey pretty girl.”You could practically hear the smile through his helmet.You sighed, stopping your walk to stare at him as he took off his helmet,leaning down to give you a quick kiss. “You coming to my house tonight?”He asked, twisting the fabric of your tshirt.

You shrugged, not sure what your brother was going to be doing. “I dont know if I can, John.B and the others might want me to go get groceries with them or something.”You replied,feeling his grip on you tighten,humming. “I havent messed with them in a while.”He muttered, glad when you smiled. 

“Thats good, I would have beat your ass if you did.”You teased with a roll of your eyes. He chuckled,kissing your forehead. “I would've liked it though.”He admitted.You laughed,smacking his arm lightly. “Shut up.”You grumbled, unaware of JJ watching you guys. 

“Is he bothering you?”JJ asked, coming out from his hiding spot in the trees.Your eyes widened, your stomach tightening.Shit. “Uh...no, everythings fine, JJ.Just go back to the beach.”You told him,hoping you didnt sound too suspicious.His blue eyes fell to your hand, the one that was holding Rafe’s.Fuck. 

“Is something going on that I should know about?”He asked,glaring at Rafe like he was trying to make his head blow up. “No, just go back to the beach.”You told him, a sort of assertive tone to your voice that was reserved for John.B when he wanted to do something dangerous.JJ’s eyebrows furrowed, not used to you speaking to him like this.

He nodded,walking away, sending you a look of disappointment before disappearing into the trees, most likely about to tell John.B what he had just seen.Rafe noticed how uneasy you were,hugging you. “Hey, dont stress about it.He’s got nothing on you, whats he gonna do?Complain that we were having a conversation?”He asked, not really helping.

“So I just saw (Y/N) talking to Rafe.”JJ grabbed a beer from the cooler, all eyes falling on him. “Cameron?”John.B asked, not really believing that you’d ever talk to such a vile human being.JJ nodded,sipping the alcoholic drink.

 “They were all over eachother, it was weird.”He grumbled, a slight jealousy in his voice.Kiara raised her eyebrows, a little mad about the situation. “What do you mean they were all over eachother?”She asked, looking over to Pope.

 “I mean they were holding hands and shit,giggling and he was like,I dont know.Its weird.”He tried his best to explain,realising it didnt sound as serious as it was. “(Y/N) doesnt giggle...she just...she just stares at people.Are you sure it was Rafe?”Pope asked.This was out of character for you.You had joined their conversations before, all of you talking shit about the Cameron family.

You had called Rafe a “Cruel, disgusting bitch.” it didnt make sense that you’d willingly talk to him.Meanwhile you were on the back of Rafe’s bike,arms wrapped around him tight as he pulled into his driveway, trying to figure out the best way to sneak you inside.

You ended up being hidden by him as you guys shuffled up the stairs, nearly getting caught by Ward.Luckily he was too busy on a call, not paying attention at all as Rafe pushed you inside his room, locking the door with a sigh. “What do you wanna watch?”He asked,falling on the bed next to you, grabbing the tv remote.

You shrugged,wrapping an arm around him with your head against his chest. “Doesnt matter.”You replied, watching as he picked a random horror movie,knowing that hed probably end up squealing and holding onto you.Your phone dinged, vibrating against your thigh.

You sighed,picking it up to check what someone could want or why they were trying to talk to you.It was a text from Kie, asking why the hell you were at Rafe Cameron’s house.There was no way in hell she actually knew that, she was probably just guessing.You sat up,taking Rafe with you, his chin on your shoulder and a frown on his face.

You:????

Kie:Your snap map is on.What are you doing with Rafe?

You:Im not with Rafe

Kie:Seriously like are you ok

You:Im fine lol

Kie:But why are you with Rafe?

You sighed,turning to look at the kook king. “What should I tell her?”You asked, unsure what to do.If you told her that you in Rafe were dating then she would obviously tell John.B and that meant that you would be in deep shit and would never hear the end of it.He sighed,kissing your shoulder lightly.

 “I dunno, baby.Tell her whatever you feel comfortable telling her.”That wasnt really helpful.You couldnt exactly lie to her.There was no other reason that you’d be at the Cameron’s mansion if it werent for Rafe.You hated Sarah because Kiara hated Sarah so you couldnt exactly use that excuse either.You were anxious the whole time you typed, praying that she wouldnt tell the others.

You:Can you keep a secret?

Kie:Yeah

You:What would you do if I told you I was dating Rafe?

Kie:You dumb idiot

Kie:Rafe??Really?Out of all people?

Kie:Hoe you could do better

Kie:So like youre cool with him hitting JJ and Pope?

Kie:Shit you need to tell JJ

You sighed,biting the inside of your cheek. “Why do you need to tell JJ?”Rafe asked,curious.You groaned,leaning against him. “He’s got a thing for me.”You explained, hoping you hadnt made him feel insecure.

You:He’s nice to me,ok?Plus he hasnt beat anyone in months and im happy and I just need you to not say anything

You waited for an answer, only seeing a ‘read’ receipt. “Shit.”You sighed, realizing that you had probably made the wrong decision by telling her about your relationship. “What?”He asked, not understanding exactly what had happened. 

“Watch her tell everyone.”You tossed your phone down onto the blanket, laying on top of your boyfriend. “It wouldnt be so bad,would it?”He asked, knowing that you were probably embarrassed to be with him. “I just...you know how they feel about you.”you reminded him, hearing him sigh. 

“I know.”He replied as he rubbed small circles along your stomach. “Im trying to change though.”He muttered, pressing a kiss to your neck.You nodded, understanding. “I know you are but they dont.”You grumbled,your leg resting at his hip as he continued leaving kisses down your neck.

You didnt leave until four in the morning, staying up with him the whole night.Ward and Rose had gone out on a date, leaving the two of you with his house to yourselves.You sat on the kitchen counter,your legs around his waist as you shared a pint of icecream.

 “This is the expensive kind.”You noticed,coming across brownie chunks and bits of chocolate truffle.He smiled, nodding. “Yep, its just kook life I guess.”He replied, not really caring. “This shit is like...ten dollars a pint.”He only laughed, not understanding how you hadnt grown up with the same things he had.

He just couldnt wrap his head around the fact that not everyone was like him.You couldnt exactly blame him, he had been isolated most of his childhood and if he wasnt by himself he was surrounded by kooks. 

“You can go to the grocery store with me next week if you want.We can get all the expensive icecream you want...maybe we can get some for John.B too, you know, to win him over.”He explained his idea.You shrugged, not sure how to feel. 

“You dont even do your own grocery shopping, remember?”You asked, seeing him roll his eyes. “I’ll go grocery shopping for you, baby.We can get cookie dough and mix it into brownie batter.”He continued,scooping another spoonful of icecream.You bit the inside of your cheek, thinking about it.It sounded fun but most grocery stores wouldnt be open at the times you were with Rafe.

“I gotta go, i’ll see you tomorrow though.”You promised,kissing him quickly.He backed away to let you slide off the counter, putting your phone in your pocket. He tugged at your t shirt, bringing you close to him so he could place a kiss on your lips, enjoying the feeling that he knew he wouldnt feel for a day at least.

He knew that the second you left his happiness would leave with you, making his mood a bit dull as he hugged you.“Do you want icecream to go?”He offered.You were quick to shake your head, leaving quick so you could get home.He pouted, wishing you two could be together more often.

You tip toed into the house,turning on your bedroom light only to see The Pogues all sitting in there, staring at the door. “Rafe Cameron?”John.B asked, sitting up on your bed.You sighed, sitting down. 

“Really,Kie?”You asked, looking over to the brunette. “JJ took my phone!”She exclaimed, making your eyes travel to JJ. “Are you serious?”You asked the blonde, noticing him pouting. 

“I thought he should know.”He muttered.Pope just seemed mad. “How long has this been going on?”Your brother asked, glaring at you. “Im not doing this right now.”You shook your head, going to leave the room when he grabbed your wrist.

 “(Y/N).What would dad think?”He asked.You scoffed, unable to believe that he went there. “Dad would want me to be happy, unlike you.He hasnt bothered you guys in months!Cant you see that he’s changed?”You asked,all of them avoiding eye contact.

 “No!People like Rafe Cameron cant change, (Y/N)!Do you think he actually likes you?”John.B asked, regretting it the second it left his lips. “Oh, fuck you!”You exclaimed, leaving the room and slamming the door behind you. 

“What the hell, John.B?”Kiara shouted, angry with her friend. “I didnt mean it like that!Lets give her a minute to cool off.”John.B grumbled, feeling JJ and Pope glaring at him.

 “What the fuck is wrong with you?”Pope asked, just as angry as JJ.John.B just sat, listening to their cursing and anger. “I didnt mean it!”John.B shouted eventually, tired of their yelling.JJ shook his head, going to find you.

You werent in the bathroom or living room, leading him to think that maybe you had left until he looked out the kitchen window.He saw you in the hammock, leaving the house with a slam of the screen door and going to lay down next to you. 

“What do you want?”You asked, not looking at the blonde. “Does he really make you happy?”JJ asked,waiting patiently for your answer.You nodded, turning to look at him. “Very much, yeah.”You answered,seeing a grin on his face. 

“So then why does it matter what we think?I mean, im definitely the better choice here but if he makes you happy then go for it.”He chuckled, looking over to the house. “John.B is mad.”You muttered, wrapping your arms around JJ’s torso as the sun began to come up.

 “He’s always mad, doesnt matter.If he can hook up with girls all the time I dont see why you cant have a healthy, loving relationship.It seems dumb to me.”He shrugged.You laughed quietly, not understanding when JJ became a life coach. 

“Yeah, I agree.I just dont want him to be mad at me, you know?Its not like if he’s mad at you, you can just leave the house but I cant.Im stuck with that bitch all the time.”You ranted, earning a small laugh from him. 

“Yeah, true.I think you should just live your life how you want to live it.If you want to be with Rafe then be with Rafe.Personally im not a fan of him but that doesnt mean I can just control your relationships.I mean, youre right.He hasnt really bothered us in months and I havent seen him around The Cut looking for trouble so maybe he has changed.As long as its healthy and everything is consensual.Everything is consensual,right?”He asked, looking down at you.

You hadnt really seen this side of JJ before, usually only seeing his flirty and joking side. “Of course.”You replied, flicking his stomach. “Right, so thats good.If John.B’s mad then that sucks but there’s nothing you can do about it.”He sighed, staring up at the sky through the tree branches. 

“Are you mad?”You asked, curious for his answer.He bit his lip, thinking about it. “No, not really.I just cant believe you like him of all people.”He chuckled, feeling you flick his head. “I didnt like him at first, it kinda just happened.”You replied.JJ nodded, not saying anything else.

You fell asleep in the hammock next to JJ,waking up at noon.There was a note on the kitchen table saying that they had all decided to go out on the boat for the day and that there was pepsi and yogurt in the fridge.You could tell by the handwriting that Pope had written it, everyone else had probably forgot about you.

At eight the next night things werent as tense as they had been before.John.B had even driven you to Rafe’s house, ranting about safe sex and telling you to give Rafe a slice of ‘humble pie’.You rolled your eyes,getting out of the van and telling him to fuck off before walking up to Rafe’s front door, knocking lightly.

He told you that you didnt have to climb through his window anymore.Since you had to tell the pogues about your relationship he had decided to tell his family about it as well which meant he didnt have to hide you anymore.

John.B watched from the van as Rafe embraced you in a hug, smile on his face as he kissed your forehead.He had never seen Rafe look like that, the only smile he’d ever seen on Rafe Cameron was the kind that belonged to an angry sociopath.

But now he kind of just looked like a squishy, smiling gremlin.You and Rafe stood in the doorway for a moment, talking about how things had gone with John.B.Rafe had noticed the van sitll in the driveway, sending a quick and awkward brave towards your brother.A grin came across John.B’s face as he backed out of the driveway.Maybe you dating the Kook King wasnt as terrible as he thought.

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[aint-a-babe]

Caroling, Kim Seungmin.

Warnings: none, just some fluff and another confession, holiday season themed :).

Word Count: 1312.

Tags: fluff, soft, Shy!Seungmin, Pining, holiday confession.

Posted originally on my insta (@staybabe_).

A little holiday fun.

Other Seungmin stories: none yet.

“All I want for Christmas is you” Seungmin said softly, looking deeply into your eyes, his heart thumping faster by the second. He gripped his sheet music harder when you took your time to answer him, he hoped that you could see his intentions behind all of this, he hoped that you would welcome his undying love for you and love him back. 

Your eyes twinkled at his words, a smile creeping onto your lips as you couldn’t help yourself. Your cheeks flushed a light pink and you giggled as you responded. “That’s your song choice?” Your mind started running wild at the thought of Seungmin performing that song.

“Yah, why are you so surprised?” Seungmin whined, covering his face with his glove covered hands. He needed to make sure you couldn't see how flustered he is. You chuckled at his actions and his heart stopped for a second hearing you.

“You’re right, this is stupid” He sighs, he hadnt even started and yet his plan had already failed. His plan being confessing to you with that song of course. He had waited a whole year and the timing was perfect, he needed to sing you a song and finally say how he feels about you. 

“I didn’t say that, not even close to what I was thinking” You smacked his arm lightly, trying to get his attention. “I kinda wanna sing it with you” You speak softly, embarrassed of what you've just said. “What, really?” Seungmin immediately lights up after hearing you say that.

All of his worries wash away when you speak and excitement starts to fill in him. “What am I saying? I’ve never done a solo, let alone a duet. No, I can’t do this” Seungmin’s face immediately falls. “Yah, you have to do it with me. No going back” He tugs at your hair, whining that you made him believe he wasn’t going to sing alone. 

“Min, that’s so embarrassing why would I do that?” You shriek covering your eyes with your hands, while you were explaining why you shouldn’t do it you were making Seungmin more nervous. He gained some courage and grabbed your wrists, pulling your hands away from your face. “Because”

He gulped, noticing how close you two were, your faces only a few centimeters away, if someone were to look at you the angle would make it seem as though you were kissing. He got flustered once again, but he decided to ignore it and blame it on the cold in case you were to ask. “I won’t do it without you”

You pondered the idea in your head, maybe it’ll be embarrassing but you’ll be supporting a friend, and not just any friend; Seungmin. “Alright, Minnie. I’ll do it” You sigh, instantly regretting your decision when Seungmin hands you the sheet music and you see all that you have to sing. 

“Oh no” you whisper, noticing your state Seungmin tries to encourage you. “You’re going to be great Y/n, you’re by far the best singer here.” He smiles down at you and you can’t help but feel more inspired to do this. “Of course I am” You laugh as Seungmin glares at you. 

Time goes by as you prepare to sing with Seungmin. Your group had already met up at the town plaza where you always start your trajectory and then make your way to neighboring houses and shops. You had joined this group 3 years ago, when you had started your singing lessons and your teacher had recommended you to the group.

Seungmin, however, had only joined this year. The reasons remained unknown to you, but boy are you happy to have met him. He made rehearsal much more fun than it was before, and since you had become such good friends your everyday life was less boring as well. 

Unfortunately you didn’t go to the same school, so that meant going out after school and weekends whenever you had the time. Seungmin was far more studious than you, so when you had to study he’d tag along and help you with any concept that you found hard. 

Seungmin had quickly gained the title of your best friend and you weren’t complaining at all. But he definitely was, all he had done to show you how much he liked you only came off as friend behaviour and that boiled his blood. Not that he didn't love being your friend, it’s just that he felt like he was constantly lying to you and he was afraid you were going to take everything the wrong way.

It was finally time, the group was all warmed up and it was soon your turn to sing your duet. You bit down on your lip as you looked around, you had grown nervous once again and you were ready to back out at any moment. Suddenly, you felt Seungmin hold your hand, looking up to him he gave you a reassuring squeeze, and you felt better. 

Before you know it, Seungmin was already singing his part, his amazing vocals blowing everyone in the crowd, and the group, away. He was such a natural and you didn't need to be a professional musician to see it.

You sighed watching him, you wish you were as free as him. Your stage fright was a constant blockage for you over the years and you were trying to outgrow it. Seungmin of course was one to help you past it, you wouldn't be singing this duet with him if not.

Your part comes up and your voice couldn't help but tremble a bit as you sing, you try to remain strong but as you look at the crowd fear breaks in you once again. You quickly look down towards your feet, trying to avoid the staring. Tears fill in your eyes when you hear people laughing but, you feel someone tap your shoulder and a smile grows on your face when you see what's going on. As always Seungmin was there to save you.

He was dancing, rather goofily, to your singing encouraging the crowd to pay attention to him rather than your nervous figure. For some reason, he thought doing the robot to a Mariah Carey song was an excellent idea, and the crowd found it charming. You soon forget your fears and join him in his crazy antics, taking his hand and allowing him to spin you around. 

The crowd had now joined in on the singing, but Seungmin couldn't pay attention to anyone but you. The way you glowed, singing and dancing along to the music. How your smile was brighter than all of the Christmas lights out together. Seungmin felt as though he was in heaven, having you in his arms on this snowy night.

He spinned you around one last time so that you were looking into his eyes, he couldn't help but grin at you. "I just want you for my own" he sang softly as the song was coming to an end. "More than you can ever know" He continued to sing as he grabbed your hand and placed it over his heart. "Make my wish come true" He looked deeply into your eyes, once again hoping you would see his true intentions.

The music kept ringing but you paused in your tracks, taking your time to look at Seungmin. How he was the one who was now so nervous his voice trembled as he sung, the roles drastically changing as the song ended. Your smile grew wider as you gained courage to end the song. "Baby, all I want for Christmas is you" You sing softly as your heartbeat grows faster.

Seungmin didn't know what to think or do, but then all his thoughts were quieted down when you gave his cheek a small peck, finally returning all of his feelings.

[mousehole5000]

tgcf chapters 107 - 120 this is one where i give some Opinions. i do overall like hualian a lot but i have some quibbles

wait why am i still taking screenshots? i can copy/paste again afskldfjasad

It really was hard to tell whether people would feel happy after watching such performances. However, in truth, slaughter and the sight of blood did create excitement in people. Whether or not there was fear, after the initial shock was over, a rush of adrenaline would be produced in the heart- me watching horror movies

“Shi Qingxuan said. “Then, Your Highness, Crimson Rain Sought Flower! I order you to—to immediately strip each other’s clothing!” - djslkadjlsd WHY DID HE SPECIFICALLY SAY THEY HAD TO STRIP EACH OTHER THISALSKDJ is this a normal thing is it a wingman attempt what is happening

“I’ll tell you what it is,” he said softly. “To watch with your own eyes your beloved be trampled and ridiculed, yet be unable to do anything. That’s the worst suffering in the world.” ... “Ming Yi asked, “What’s the biggest regret of your life?”- when truth or dare gets a bit too real

On the side, Hua Cheng was still only observing, and was already bored to the point where he’d changed back into his red robes. Then he changed to black robes again. Then to white robes. Almost every time Xie Lian looked back, he would be donning a different appearance, and with every new look there were different hairstyles, and different accessories, and different boots, and so on; sometimes playful, sometimes elegant, sometimes deadly, sometimes glamourous. Xie Lian was growing dizzy from all the colours and kept looking back, unable to look away. - THIS ISNT THE TIME HUA CHENG. YOURE PRIMPING. THE WINDMASTER HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED AND YOURE PRIMPING

obsessed with xie lian not being able to figure out to use the windmaster’s fan and just. using it to SMACK

also windmaster??? whats going on??? :( i know some things from spoilers like who is not to be trusted but i really have no clue whats happening rn

anyways back to puqi shrine lets check on those kids also can we PLEASE get some funds for this restoration smh. hua cheng and xie lian doing mundane hard labor together to fulfill prayers.... :pleading:

jailbreak in the heavens 2: dig a tunnel

Sure enough, the moment Ming Yi put pressure on his shovel, a hole opened up before them. With the shovel raised, he burrowed crazily ahead while Shi Qingxuan, in the middle, cheered him on crazily. As the only non-crazy person, Xie Lian brought up the rear. That treasured shovel of the Earth Master was indeed magical, and with only a few strokes, a new tunnel of over ten meters was dug. - anybody remember mulch diggums from the artemis fowl series? this is much more dignified than that but i think this is only the second time ive read a character just starting digging a tunnel as a plot point

okay so much is going on i wish i hadnt spoiled who certain characters actually are for myself but i have no one to blame but me for a) not blacklisting spoilers at all and b) just having a little freefall through the tags. oh well. anyway heavenly college admissions scandal except way worse. the corruption extends to the heavens and the windmaster is having a very bad day

i guess we’re having a high seas adventure now?

im gonna keep it real im getting tired of how often we get told how handsome hua cheng is. i know its all xie lian’s pov and while im not terribly familiar with it i know what genre we’re working with and im assuming thats pretty typical. its something i dont much care for in general and idk maybe it sounds better in the original but ngl its starting to make me roll my eyes. love you goth king but god okay we get it.

i guess what i will say about hualian so far is that overall i like them and i like how they interact in general they have a lot of nice moments and they just genuinely seem to like each other which is really nice to see EXCEPT for when it actually comes to things that could be romantic or sexual which is a shame bc i dont think it has to be like this. again disclaimer that im only reading a translation and dont know everything might not have all the knowledge necessary to accurately criticize etc etc and im assuming a lot of this is expected from the genre (disclaimer to this disclaimer that i cant say that for sure its just based on things ive picked up about the bl genre over the years) but idk like xie lian was so distressed after their underwater kiss scene. it was kind of uncomfortable to read and maybe im being unfair i know his cultivation is based around abstinence or whatever but idk i dont care for it. and that scene alone doesnt have to be a bad thing like idk i guess its his first kiss ever (?) and it would make sense if he feels weird about it but i just have my doubts thats going to be addressed or resolved in a satisfying way. also im like. dude everyone is like centuries old. xie lian’s been on earth for 800 years. has he really never met or heard of a gay person during all this time? maybe he hasnt idk what he got up to yet maybe that’s actually a thing. also same thing with the reactions from the immortals to xie lian in a dress and characters like the windmaster like again you’re all centuries old and its not uncommon to be able to just completely change gender presentation. why are you all weird about a man wearing a woman’s dress? i just feel like that shouldnt be a big deal to these characters idk

also again not going to lie part of this that im not really a big fan of reading romance in general. yes i am reading this book. yes i do read and write a lot of fanfic that includes or centers romance. im multifaceted. but really what im talking about is the like physical side of it and descriptions im extremely picky about it. ill give an example. early on in the torture pit (or whatever it was called i cant remember lol) when xie lian kind of accidentally felt up hua cheng in the dark when he was being carried. i dont think thats a bad thing to have happen between the two romantic leads i think thats fine and good to include that early but i just did not enjoy reading it when it happened idk maybe it was the wording and i do think that moments like these work better in a visual medium. ive definitely read het romance that reads like this and i wasnt a fan of that either lol same with fanfic i get tired when writers go on and on about how hot one characters finds another character. this isnt a huge criticism of it like i said im picky but again like with the way that hua cheng is described it just makes me roll my eyes sorry kings

okay back to the reading. this whole saving the fishermen thing feels like a big set up for something narrative-wise. hua cheng specifically insisted on coming and i know one of the characters involved ends up dying im wondering if thats now it would be a good time tbh if things get just a bit too unfortunate during this heavenly calamity... and the brothers are notably not having a harmonious time... also tho it feels very likely we’ll just have another Hualian Moment (tm)

In such a situation, Pei Ming still acted the same. In the evening, when they rescued a few fishermen girls, so scared their eyes were blurry from tears, he held them in his embrace and soothed them with a gentle voice; a true show of honeyed romance, affectionate and charming. - pei ming please get pickled again.

also its funny that hua cheng is just kinda hanging out and everyone else just has to deal with it

Looking down from above, the entire area was painted in a terrifying black. It was easy to see the collision between the two different-coloured currents. Their fierce battle was what formed this enormous whirlpool. As the eye swallowed the ship whole, the two currents of water separated. However, the battle was far from over. Like two venomous vipers, they continued to snap at each other. Each collision was followed by a mountain of angry waves. - this pretty dope ngl. also love our wind and earth masters just chilling on a shovel i dig it. hehe

Yet, other than discovering Hua Cheng had a fine body, there were no other finds. Xie Lian was at his wit’s end and started to worry. - okay see this one’s funny im just also irritated bc im like WE KNOW!!! WE GET IT HE’S HOT AND XIE LIAN THINKS HE’S HOT OKAY GOT IT

okay kiss #2 again its not the kisses themselves its xie lian’s reaction it just bothers me idk im not saying i need him to be super into it and completely unconflicted about it rn but he’s just so freaked out about it and idk i just dont really like it just feels weird i dont care for that aspect of it. also dude hua cheng is a ghost and he did this exact same thing for you before just chill. i wish instead of xie lian literally running away while screaming that hes sorry he was just like “oh haha youre fine thats cool im gonna go look around the woods i dont feel weird about this at all haha” like idk its kind of funny but when its literally our two romantic leads i just feel like its confusing like it kind of makes me feel like they shouldnt be together if one of them freaks out this much again considering the fact that they are both CENTURIES old. i know i know xie lian is an 800 year old virgin but. he hasn’t been like this about anything else so yeah idk like it still could have been awkward and funny i just dont think it needed to be so :/ that being said it was funny that xie lian was then internally like “oh i did it wrong? perhaps i should ask him for more.. instructions....” if that actually happens i might like it bc it would complete this little watery theme

Before he finished, he immediately remembered. Coffin wood. There were trees here everywhere; and a deceased? There was one right before his eyes. Sure enough, Hua Cheng smiled. “Won’t it be fine once I lie inside? - love that hua cheng just sat on the fact that he can turn anything into a coffin. that would have been really useful information earlier but no he just waited until everyone but xie lian was gone afjaklsdjf

also i do think that oblivious xie lian thinking “wow whoever it is that hua cheng fancies is an idiot for not liking him back theyre totally taking him for granted :/” is kind of funny and sweet. actually the whole conversation they have at the campfire is good and im bookmarking it to think about later

“...You on top and me on the bottom,” Xie Lian replied. “Isn’t top and bottom the same?” Hua Cheng asked. - okay im sorry but. mood whenever theres discourse about top/bottom dynamics for a ship im just like jesus christ i dont care. tbh i rarely read fanfiction if its just sexual and ngl if i see a fic specifically tag characters as top or bottom i wont read it lmfao. especially when people have really strong opinions about this stuff when theres nothing canonical to back it up like headcanon all you want but whenever i see people argue about it im just like no offense but go work out your own sexual issues and dynamics instead of arguing with strangers on the internet about who’s a top and who’s a bottom. sorry to be mean but just thats how i feel lol

this was mostly a ramble with a few excerpts but im getting sleepy im going to TRY to take a break from this for like a day but we’ll see how that goes i do very much want to know what happens. anyway if you read this whole thing hiiiiii sorry for subjecting you to my opinions on top/bottom discourse

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

[ingayderzim]

not to be that person who asks a googleable question but wtf is hazbin hotel bc i googled it and the only “critical” thing i could find was a typo-ridden article of someone saying it has good animation and its haters are stupid. i was able to glean what it is/what it’s about but idk about the discourse lmao

Im actually so glad u asked this. Here's the lowdown, this is my definitive answer to hazbin shit from here on out, unless new info comes about of course.

Hazbin hotel is an independent cartoon by vivziepop. Most people (that ive seen) have agreed that the pilot of the show really isnt that great but the reason it has so many fans is bc of the entertaining livestreams, massive amounts of canon content produced (she has had these characters for years), unique art style, and the characters. (Ass ugly but unique.)

Its haters are totally justified bc of some of the "controversial" (read: bad) things vivziepop has done. Here's the conclusion that my friends and classmates (several of whom are Black, one Hispanic woman, and one trans woman...nellie if ur reading this i 💜 u) and i came to after discussing this stuff. I am NOT saying "well my black/trans friend said it's ok so i dont have to think about it!" this is based on a few different conversations that my friends and i have had about this topic so what im saying is that my opinion was formed by talking about this situation with multiple people affected by the controversy.

One controversial thing is a drawing u can easily find on google (called beastiality.jpg i believe?) It's a cropped (chest and up, but hes obv naked) drawing of vivziepops character, drawn by vivziepop, moaning, with a snake around him. The character is 17. Many people have interpreted this as child porn. I dont think this image is pornographic, i think it's a stupid joke (it was even tagged as a joke iirc) and completely inappropriate but since it's 8 years old on top of not being porn, i think it's just an example of a dumb drawing. That being said, i would NEVER argue that someone who is uncomfortable w the drawing (im uncomfortable with it! It's gross just not porn) or considers it porn is wrong. They are entitled to that opinion and i would never expose them to vivziepops work or talk about her stuff around them if they expressed to me that they disliked the image.

Another thing is that she drew a doodle of two racist TERFs. This is the one where my friends of color, my friends who are black, and my friends who are trans women took the lead. I sat back for this part and here's their and my opinion on this after talking about it and verbally going through this whole situation.

She was following these women (who had done blackface and stuff) and drew art of them. The art was a "quick doodle" that she did apologize for and she said she didn't realize the extent of their beliefs. She knew they werent great but hadnt consumed much of their content in depth. I believe her bc while ive never followed anyone as bad, ive certainly followed some pieces of shit and didnt notice for months simply bc im not online all the time and bc of the volume of people i follow, combined with the non chronological algorithms lately.

At the risk of screwing myself, im going to admit that there was about a year or so of my life where i enjoyed The Amazing Atheist. I was even subbed to him. I was a nonbinary lesbian (2 things he cant stand lmaoo) in catholic school and therefore i strictly watched his videos about theological stuff since thats what was frustrating me at the time. I had no clue the type of evil racist, transphobic, homophobic (yes ik hes bi), misogynistic things he thought, said, and did, bc i didnt watch those videos. I literally only watched select theological ones that could be of use to me while edgily debating my teachers (sorry mrs macdougal but u had it coming). I was about 15 at the time and im 19 now. Im sorry to everyone i hurt by ever having supported him. I had one of his quotes written in the inside of my religion notebook in high school. I regretted it and ripped the page out the moment i discovered the truth about him. I cant stress enough how much I HATE HIM. Thats an example of what i think happened here tho.

One of my friends who is a trans woman said (paraphrasing) "i think the worst thing shes done is that terf art but i believe the apology especially bc it was a quick drawing."

That being said, i would NEVER argue with someone who wanted nothing to do w vivziepop bc of this. That's their right. 100%. I would never expose them to her work after that.

The last thing i remember is something about a pedophilic couple in a comic but i heard it was a 17 year old and a 19 year old. Im 19 and if one of my peers did that i wouldnt say pedophile but id say ur a fucking weirdo, BUT, the kids were fake and being written by an adult so i can totally see her thinking that age gap is much less of a big deal than it really is. Like she forgot what it's like at this age. Idk how true any of that part is tho, i heard that info entirely secondhand.

Another thing to do with racism is that there's a joke within the show where one character says to the other

"don't get your taco in a twist"

"Was that supposed to be racist or sexist?"

"Whichever one pisses you off more"

I thought that was gross but one of my friends pointed out that vivziepop is of el salvadorian descent so that's her business. Like if i made a lesbian joke of equal or greater offensiveness than that and someone tried to call me lesbophobic over it id be like "that's literally my territory."

Oh speaking of which that character's name is vaggie and shes a lesbian but it's not pronounced w the same G you'd hear in "vagina." Vivziepop seems to name characters weirdly (like how in helluva boss theres a guy named blitzo and the o is silent) so maybe it's a pussy joke but i have no idea.

The animation was.................better than i could do, i wanna say the faces and gestures were good but god i remember there was a part with a car and my gf had to pause so i could laugh my ass off at it. I wouldn't describe the animation as a highlight but i liked the style in motion i thought it was a fun change. Vivziepops style is not appealing imo but i appreciate it as an art student and as someone whose friends all like she ra and steven universe where every character looks the goddamn motherfucking same, and while its chaotic and i dont care for it, the style actually works way better in motion than you'd think.

A good rule that i def use is to assume hazbin fans are guilty until proven innocent. If someone says they dont care about the discourse surrounding it and like it no matter what, RUN! They would support the show even if the creator was in fact a pedophile, or had done the blackface/was a terf herself! They probably support some horrible ppl and are probably "anti antis." A lot of them are minors tho so i'd say block and move on.

So, do i like it or not? Im an art student and all my friends like it so while i didnt think it was funny, i do fuck with it. At the convention this weekend my friends and i had a convo that led to me drawing an ahego hoodie where the faces were angel dust (a character's) face. It was a joke that i could make a killing by selling that in a booth at a con.

Theres really nothing compelling about the show but my friends like it so i join in on their conversations, and i do have a soft spot for angel dust bc he's like a worse, less amazing and gorgeous version of one of my characters, Candy, the love of my life.

A lot of people say the show was edgy/offensive and maybe im just desensitized but besides the taco thing i didnt pick up on that whatsoever??? The Archer episode "Swiss Miss" is worse than helluva boss and hazbin combined and even archer isn't offensive.

Im probably not aware of all the "discourse" (aka people being reasonably uncomfortable by weird and bad shit this random woman has done, and other ppl saying their opinions are wrong when it's literally just an opinion about a show) so if anything she's done isnt included in here it's not to defend vivziepop, this is genuinely all i know. I wouldnt describe myself as a fan of hers.

[calucadu]

Love Bites - Chapter 1

Love Bites, a Boku no Hero Academia/My Hero Academia Fanfic. Chapter 1 - Desire to bite.

Summary: In which Bakugou “does Midoriya a favour” and bites his neck, claiming him to be his mate for life. But this is still a Kiribaku/Bakushima fic. Omegaverse.

Pairings: Bakugou/Kirishima, Bakugou/Midoriya

Characters: Bakugou Katsuki, Kirishima Eijirou, Midoriya Izuku, Sero Hanta, Mina Ashido, Kaminari Denki

Rating: Explicit

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It had been two years since Katsuki had claimed Deku. The omega had gotten better. So much better that Bakugou was almost regretting having ever bitten him. The little shit had not only been accepted into UA, but he was also in his class. He wore a collar, specially designed to make sure no alpha claimed him, even if he’d already been claimed by the best alpha there was.

Izuku was strangely screwed up for life. He’d have to live with the fact that no other alpha could touch him if it wasn’t Bakugou, but if Katsuki hadn’t done what he’d done when he’d done it, Midoriya wouldn’t have been able to get into UA, to follow his dream. So, even if he couldn’t mate with another alpha, and even if his love life was now totally ruined for everyone else, Deku owed everything to Bakugou. And Katuski loved it.

Luckily, Midoriya took his medicine diligently and Bakugou never felt the pull of his heat call him in. He was sure he’d make himself physically sick if he were to ever touch that omega in any type of sexual context.

He’d always been a strange alpha when it came to omegas. All his life, Katsuki had felt that omegas wouldn’t do anything to him. He’d never been interested in them, and rarely felt the attraction caused by their pheromones. That’s until he met a certain redheaded someone. Bakugou didn’t want to admit it but he felt things when Kirishima was around.

And it seemed like it was mutual for the omega. Which made everything very easy. Katsuki started slow. He scented the other and was even bold enough to mark him with his own scent in front of his friends. Eijirou had almost lost it and had reacted extremely well to the touches, his excitement showing in his trousers as he gasped, moaning about how Bakugou was really manly.

And Kirishima wasn’t even a normal omega, which definitely pleased Bakugou. He was strong and determined, like he’d been made for him. He respected Katsuki but took no shit from him, which was incredibly admirable.

It was more complicated than a simple crush, the blond noted. It was more of needing him around to feel safe, to feel well. The scent Kirishima radiated made him feel better, soothed his troubled soul and his wrinkled brow. And he was sure he had a similar effect on the omega.

It turned out it wasn’t as easy as Bakugou had anticipated. Mainly because he was prideful and didn’t know how to deal with his feelings or use words to express things he thought were obvious. But Kirishima was still always by his side, even when they didn’t go past slight teasing and rubbing their scent over the other. It was still a good way to claim him, Katsuki tried to reason with himself.

And then he’d gone and got himself kidnapped, and when he was close to losing hope, Eijirou’s hand was in the sky, waiting only for the perfect grip that would match his. Bakugou didn’t want to admit he’d been saved, but he had. And thanks to that incident, things got a little weird. They held hands now, and it wasn’t strange at all for them to go places together, their hands intertwined.

Sero, a measly beta, was the first one to get tired of it out of the Bakusquad, which come as a surprise to Katsuki. He was sure the first one to voice his awkwardness would have been Pikachu, given the amount of glares he sent their way every day.

“Well, are you official or not?” Plain Face whined after watching them go hand in hand to the cafeteria.

Baugou just answered with a low growl, which was a warning to stay away from the subject.

“I wanna know too!” Mina shrieked, shoving herself in between Katsuki and Kirishima, breaking their hands apart. She was an alpha, too, which obviously didn’t sit well with the explosive blond. She was far too close to something that wasn’t technically his but had been made to be, sooner or later.

Eijirou blushed, almost the colour of his hair. Bakugou didn’t fail to notice how his lips quivered as he tried to come up with an answer. His stupid heart was pounding with emotions he was better off without, thank you very much.

“I don’t know, Bakugou, are we?” Kirishima almost whispered, his voice low. The blond frowned, his eyes narrowing. Was this some sort of game? A test? Was he supposed to just say they were? Maybe it was an alpha thirst that the omega had and he had to prove it. But he honestly didn’t know what to do.

“Whatever.” He growled, as if that was answer enough, and he left, hoping no one had noticed the panic in his voice.

A few steps ahead he was met with Eijirou’s hand in his and they shared a warm look that could only mean one thing.

It had happened by accident. They were studying in Bakugou’s room and Kirishima was squirming around in his chair, looking uncomfortable. His smell was stronger than usual and Katsuki couldn’t help himself, having caught himself leaning in towards the omega, getting closer to his neck than he should be.

Dangerous.

But good.

So good.

Eijirou moved suddenly. Like a twitch. And with the sudden spasm of his body, he let out a moan. One that resonated inside of the alpha, snapping him away from reality. His senses sharpened immediately and he could tell the other boy was hard and leaking.

Was this the effect Bakugou had on Kirishima? Or was the omega simply close to his heat? It didn’t matter, Katsuki had to do something, anything, to get him out of those clothes and into his bed.

A closer look at the redhead disclosed that he was panting, his breathing troubled, his mouth open to facilitate the intake of air. His face was nearly the colour of his hair and he was emanating such a sweet smell and a lot of warmth.

The image alone was enough to push the blonde over the edge, and, resting his hands on either side of the other’s cheeks, he dove into a kiss.

As their lips crashed together, he felt something he’d never felt before. Sure, he hadn’t kissed anyone before, but he was sure this wasn’t just a regular kiss. He was sure this went beyond, that this topped everything. The omega’s mouth fitted so perfectly into his he was sure he’d been created surely to make him happy. His sharp teeth prodded at his lips and Bakugou let out a moan before opening his entrance and letting Kirishima’s tongue inside of him.

It hadn’t crossed Katsuki’s mind that not only was Eijirou going along with it, but he was also very keen, initiating the movements himself.

Fuck, he’d found the perfect omega.

He didn’t need one of those wishy-washy, submissive little shits. He didn’t want that. He wanted a strong partner, strong in mind and in will, capable of doing things for themselves, not afraid of going against Bakugou if they had to.

And Kirishima was the one.

He’d gone as far as to save him, what more proof did he need to know this omega was his soul mate.

His fated pair.

Katsuki just had to sink his teeth in and make sure the rest of the world knew that this one was his.

The redhead was not afraid of him, unlike everyone else. He wasn’t afraid of telling Bakugou what he was doing wrong or telling him what he wanted. And Katsuki really admired that. He pretended he hated it, but it sat well with him on a level he couldn’t understand.

The fact that he’d found an omega to match him made him feel different.

Special.

And they were sharing such an intimate kiss that he was melting into his cute omega. He couldn’t let him go, not now, not ever.

The tongue in his mouth grew bolder and Bakugou felt hands on his shoulders, wrapping around his neck and pulling him closer.

He had initiative and was willing to do things to get what he wanted. And right now it seemed that what Kirishima wanted was Katuski. And the blond would kill to give him everything he desired.

He led him to his bed and gently pulled him onto it, not wasting time on pressing himself against him.

Finally they’d gotten somewhere, and it was Heaven. The omega beneath him was panting and moaning, his little touches were like fire, but in a good kind of way. In a way he now knew he couldn’t live without.

His kisses were dangerous but good. His sharp teeth posed a threat he was all too glad to assume and he let Kirishima nibble on his sensitive lips, maybe even let him draw blood. In all honesty it felt too good to stop, the heat increasing between them.

Bakugou felt the omega rut against him, his clothed cock hungrily searching for pleasure, blindly following instincts. Oh god. The blond almost felt his brain melt. It was all nearly too much. The smell the other was emanating, which he was rubbing all over the alpha, to make sure other omegas knew who this one belonged to, plus his sharp teeth marking his skin, leaving bite marks and blood as his lips travelled Katsuki’s neck were all making the blond feel elated, like never before.

It was time the alpha took over and he pressed his mouth against the redhead’s neck, forcing the other to throw his head back, gasps and moans spilling out of his cute lips, his whole body thrashing with the urge to keep Bakugou’s head pressed against him. He acted on the impulse, burying his hands in blond hair, hardening them slightly as he pressed on the locks, forcing them down. The male hissed at the feeling, but was secretly loving it.

And all the while they’d been playing this pseudo dominating game, their cocks had been rubbing tightly against each other, their trousers interfering with their pleasure, the smell leaking from Kirishima’s tip enough to make Katsuki’s head spin. He smelt so good, so edible, so fuckable. Which was exactly what the blond was planning. He wanted to dig his fingers up the other’s arse and leave them there, make sure everyone knew he was not available to mate anyone else. Because he was Bakugou Katsuki’s precious omega and fuck anyone else who decided to lay eyes on him.

Maybe he should do something about it.

Maybe he should claim what was rightfully his.

He licked the neck, covering as much skin in saliva as he could, trying to assess where the bite mark would look better. He wanted somewhere visible, and maybe he’d bite more than once, make sure the message was well received by everyone who glanced at Kirishima’s neck. Bakugou Katsuki’s. Don’t touch. Don’t look. Leaving a lot of angry red marks would definitely make everyone know who the alpha behind the damage was.

And Kirishima could leave one on his skin as well. Those scary shark teeth of his would definitely be good at marking, at showing the world that he had his mate and his choice had been made.

More licking, followed by slowly inhaling the deep, rich scent that was so obviously Kirishima. It was making him roll his eyes back in pleasure, goose bumps appearing all over his body, and small shivers nearly making him loose his concentration.

A new scent filled his nose as he realised that being this close to being mated was making Eijirou wet. The image in his brain made his heart skip a beat. He had such an influence over the omega he could hardly believe it.

Bakugou needed to make sure his realizations were true and he quickly stuffed his hand into the other’s underwear, pulling them down slightly. His fingers started tracing soft, warm skin as they searched for his entrance. Finding the slick hole nearly made Katsuki cum in his pants. With the boxers down he could now properly smell the divine liquid oozing out of the omega and it was making him want to knot him very, very badly.

The boy underneath him was obviously enjoying himself as the blond toyed with his entrance. He was slowly rubbing a finger over the ring of muscle and that was enough to make Kirishima groan and moan.

It made Bakugou want to bite him.

Claim him.

Take him.

Make him his.

No one else could hear him like this.

No one could see him like this.

No one should smell him.

He had to be his.

His.

Forever.

Katsuki’s mouth was back on his neck and his teeth pressed lightly against the skin, applying mock bites as he stuck a finger into Kirishima.

A long whine came from the redhead, which made the alpha want to claim him with more force. He’d never felt this before, never understood all the things he’d been told about normal alpha behaviour, but it all suddenly made sense.

This omega had to be his. He had to make him his or he would regret it eternally. He opened his mouth wider, preparing himself for the claiming bite as he stuffed his finger in to the second knuckle.

“Uh… I don’t know if you should bite me, Bakugou.” Kirishima panted underneath him. The blond had been so engrossed in his fantasy that the voice of the other shook him slightly, but wasn’t enough to ease him out of his dream-like state.

“Hmmmmnn, why not?” He hummed, barely noticing what was said between them.

“I mean, I really like you, but I think it’s kinda early and it’s a big deal and…”

“S’not a big deal, though.” Katsuki was pressing his tongue against the redhead’s jawline, moving his finger in deeper into the omega’s arse, which forced a loud moan from the other.

“What do you mean, it’s not a big deal, it’s forever, you know!?” The blond could feel Kirishima’s discomfort in between his pants and groans. He could tell he was uneasy and something inside of him warned him to calm him down. His mind seemed to be somewhere else, however, and he was finding it hard to think. Whatever could he say to make it better?

“I’ve done it before, it’s easy.” He managed to say, opening his mouth wide and pressing his teeth against soft skin, gleaming thanks to the amount of saliva he’d added. He couldn’t continue what he was about to do since he noticed Eijirou tense underneath him and he registered what he’d said. He pulled out of him, noticing the change in the omega.

“You’ve done it before!?”

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Bakugou’s mind raced, hoping there was something he could do to save the moment. He felt hardened hands push him away from the neck he’d been trying to dig his teeth into, and suddenly the situation was more real than before. He’d been brought back down abruptly, and he knew he was in a very delicate situation.

“You’ve bitten an omega, Bakugou? You’ve claimed someone? You are someone’s mate?”

All the things he was saying were true but Katsuki didn’t want to admit them. It wasn’t what it seemed and he had to make it right somehow.

“Yes, but…”

“So you’re someone else’s alpha?”

“Yeah but no, look…”

“There’s another omega? There’s someone fucking else? I knew this couldn’t be true! I knew this was too good for me! I knew something would happen!”

“Can you listen to me?” Bakugou was close to loosing his cool, to boiling over.

“You’ve got a pair!?”

“It was just a bite, Kirishima. It meant nothing!”

“AND YOU WERE GOING TO DO IT TO ME TOO! AND IT WOULD MEAN NOTHING AGAIN!”

“No! It’s not what you think!”

“HOW IS IT NOT WHAT I THINK? YOU MARKED ANOTHER OMEGA. YOU CLAIMED SOMEONE ELSE AND YOU WANTED TO DO THE SAME TO ME!”

“Kirishima, It’s-”

“WHAT? IT’S WHAT? What are you going to say exactly? You bit Midoriya when you were small when you were playing alphas and omegas and you think it meant nothing!? Because news flash for you, Bakugou, that still fucking counts!”

Katsuki stayed quiet, dumbfounded. He’d heard of cases like that, were kids screwed each other over by playing adult and biting other’s necks. It fucked kids over completely. Some entered premature heats, others ended up, strangely enough, infertile for life. They all paired, except if they’d been bitten or had bitten betas, and had had to live with the consequences of their actions.

Kirishima understood what the silence meant completely.

“You…bit… Midoriya. That’s why he’s so… different. You… claimed him… He’s your omega!”

Well, they weren’t lies, but they weren’t truths either, but Bakugou could feel the pain in the redhead’s voice as he spoke.

The blond sighed, getting ready to start telling the story which he was so ashamed about. Yeah, he’d been smug about it up until now, but now, now he just felt bad. He felt like he’d screwed over more than just Midoriya.

He’d screwed himself up.

He’d fucked up whatever he had with Kirishima. And if he wasn’t careful, he’d fuck Kirishima up too.

“I can’t believe you!” Eijirou spat at him, his face contorting in disgust. His eyes were oozing hatred and betrayal and he was shacking as he was trying to get the alpha off of him. Bakugou tried to stop him from doing so but he eventually decided that struggling with him would make matters worse.

So he let the omega push him away and watched as the redhead left his room without even trying to dress himself properly.

How was Katsuki going to get himself out of this one?

It didn’t help that the Bakusquad prevented Bakugou from actually interacting with Kirishima. At least they didn’t seem to know what was going on, but they knew the omega was upset with him.

He’d tried to talk to him in class, but Sero got in his way and smirked at him while pointing at his elbows. Bakugou got the message.

He tried to get close to him at the canteen but Kaminari threatened to electrify his water and while the threat in itself wasn’t a big deal and the beta didn’t frighten him in the slightest, he could see Kirishima watching, and he was not in a position to scare the omega away further. So instead of getting angry he just walked away.

He tried to get into his dorm but Mina opened the door to Eijirou’s room and just shook her head before closing it in his face.

But Bakugou was prepared to fight acid, tape and electricity if it got Kirishima to listen to him.

Kirishima was trembling in his bed. He’d managed to stop the tears from flowing for a day now and his friends had been extremely supportive. None of them knew what was going on, and even if they did, they wouldn’t understand. Betas had it easy, they didn’t have to deal with mated pairs and shit like that. And Mina was an alpha, but the omega couldn’t be sure she wouldn’t immediately back Bakugou up, taking his side.

He wasn’t exactly alone but he felt very lonely. Like no one could understand him. The idea that maybe Midoriya did crossed his mind, but he didn’t want to think about him. Whenever he did he just imagined Katsuki balls deep into another omega, one who was more of an omega than him. One who was soft and warm, and nice and brave, and confident, and smart and everything any alpha would ever want.

It wasn’t just jealousy. It wasn’t just that Bakugou had chosen what nature intended him to choose. There was hurt, since he’d been interested in him. He’d been stringing him along, making him believe he was wanted by alphas. And not just any alpha, but the best in class. But no, he’d been lied to, used. He was mated to an actual, real omega. Not one that was just a miserable mess, not strong enough to even get over his own past.

Fuck, it hurt. Kirishima hadn’t expected rejection to hurt so much. But then again, it wasn’t just rejection. It was self-doubt and jealousy, and a little bit of heart break.

He’d had a crush on Bakugou for so long and now all he could do about it was cry! And he still had so many things he wasn’t sure about. When had Midoriya been claimed? Was it before Katsuki met him?

A small ray of hope opened up for Kirishima. Maybe the blond hadn’t been lying. Maybe he’d regretted pairing up with Izuku. He didn’t seem to like him at all and didn’t even interact with him aside from snarling and looking down at him.

But maybe it was an act.

Maybe they had agreed to keep it like that, to pretend. Or maybe it went beyond that, maybe it was some kind of roleplay that got Bakugou off. Or maybe he was just into hate-sex so he had to claim someone he really despised?

And maybe they’d been fucking for months, every time Midoriya got his heat. None of them were absent during his heats, and Kirishima hated how he hadn’t noticed before. Of course there was a reason Izuku the omega wasn’t suffering during his heat week. Because he’d been claimed. Nature knew he had a partner, and only his alpha would be affected by his pheromones.

Eijirou, instead, along with all the unmated omegas, had to stay in his room every time his heat came. That or it could end up disastrously for them.

Kirishima cursed himself. Cursed his luck. Cursed how oblivious he’d been. Cursed how he still felt that Bakugou was the one for him.

Of course they’d been going too fast. Maybe that was Katsuki’s intention from the beginning. Maybe he was one of those omega hoarders. He needed to claim as many omegas as he could to feel superior. Kirishima was a lot of things, but he wasn’t just an omega that would be used to be claimed uselessly. Maybe Midoriya might have let him do whatever he wanted with him, but he wasn’t about to let Bakugou do as he pleased.

The redhead bit hard, his sharp teeth clenching tightly as new tears fell down his face. A new determination swept him away from his misery and forced him to look ahead, unashamed.

Bakugou could be the biggest shit he wanted to be, but he would never fuck with Kirishima.

The omega hardened his body as he let out a frustrated whine, throwing his head back. These pathetic feelings he had for the disgusting alpha could not last. Would not last.

Eijirou raised his head and decided he loathed Bakugou Katsuki.

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

[barelylivinblog]

We Went to Canada to See A Lot of Water

After driving through what seemed an endless route to the north pole, my boyfriend and I were crossing Lake Erie and heading across the border into Canada towards Niagara Falls. 

Traveling there wasn’t as bad as I’m letting it off to be, but being in a car for six hours definitely put a toll on my childlike soul. I spent almost an hour of the ride harassing my boyfriend by wearing his sunglasses and being ridiculous, which I now realize was a lot funnier in person than written out. 

If there’s anything I can tell you about taking a road trip, it’s very simple: Pack Snacks. 

Had my boyfriend’s mother not supplied us with a sandwich bag crammed with two breakfast bars, a nutty butty, and two bags of popcorn, I would have perished. We made the mistake not to stop when we saw food, and when I say food, I mean the shady gas stations along side the highway to nowhere. This was the best option because after so far along when we were actually hungry there was NO WHERE to eat until we got into Buffalo. At that point it made no sense to travel into buffalo when we could just wait until we got into Canada. 

Starving, we hurried along to our hotel and then quickly settled to eat at the Apple Bee’s right down the street from our hotel. Had we not been so hungry, I’m sure we wouldn’t have settled for the most American option. However, as my boyfriend said, it was easier knowing we were going to a place where we knew we would enjoy the food.

BUT.

To my horror upon looking at the menu: Canada’s Apple Bee’s DOES NOT SERVE BONELESS WINGS. I am an expert when it comes to American Apple Bee’s because if there was one close to my house I would eat there every day. The menu at the Canadian one was, to my surprise, much smaller. They didn’t even offer two for $25. 

Another thing I picked up on quickly was how expensive everything was. Even with the conversion I ended up spending double my anticipated amount just from eating and sightseeing. The only free part of the trip was seeing the Falls themselves. My boyfriend even had to pay to park his car for the weekend. 

Anyways, after paying what seemed like a million dollars for a meal at the facade that they called Apple Bee’s, we headed down to the Falls for the first time in the dark. In order to get there you had to walk down this steep hill (which continuously killed me when we hiked back up it) and walk under this bridge that still had been decorated for Christmas. The whole city was still decorated for Christmas which was nice considering our trip was a “Christmas” trip. 

Once you got so far down the hill there was a picture view of what I believed to be the only Falls. You see, there are two waterfalls in this area: The American side and the Canadian side. In my head the two falls were facing their claimed countries, but it turns out they were both facing the Canadian side. 

So I was staring at the American side, lit up by colorful lights, and thinking that this was the big sight to see. To be honest, I hadn’t even realized what I was looking at until my boyfriend said that the Falls were straight ahead. They, especially in the night, looked like projections of water. It was unreal. 

And then I saw the Canadian side, or the Horseshoe Falls. Which, again, looked like a large projections. My eyes could almost not adjust to what I was seeing because it was so unbelievable. 

After the magic of the falls and being showered in positive ions, my boyfriend and I headed back to our hotel. Below is a list of things we discovered about our hotel:

1. You cannot use bath bombs in the hotel tub or else they will charge you $350.00

2. Channel 4 is the fireplace channel

3. The vending machines only take dollar coins, HOWEVER, the dollar coins they have set out for you are a three dollar charge. 

4. The pillows were garbage. 

5. Hotel IHop was delicious but I paid 13.00 dollars for a meal I get at Denny’s for 4 dollars. 

6. The curtains that would make sense to be able to move DO NOT move.

7. The elevator will smell like weed.

8. The hotel gift shops snacks are very pricey. We lucked out after I spotted a general store directly across from our hotel and got snacks for a little bit cheaper. It was a good business, still selling stuff obnoxiously priced but not as pricey as the hotel. 

Our second day we went behind the waterfalls, and climbed over to Clifton Hill in search for something to do. We ended up at a glow in the dark indoor mini-golf course. It was a good way to waste some time and I think was worth the admission price. I was worried it was going to be crowded but everyone was good about waiting their turn which made it a cool experience.

That night, however, my boyfriend took me to the casino.The casino was really dazzling to the eye, but once you looked past the fancy decor and colorful flooring, it was scary how hypnotized some people were. I watched people who looked like their lives had been sucked out of them from hitting a button and betting away a lot more money than one should to a computerized slot machine. I had never been to a casino because in America I’m not old enough, but here all I had to do was show two forms of I.D. and I was stamped and sent on my way.

I ended up not gambling because it was a weird concept to me, but my boyfriend did. He was laughing and carrying on and all the older people were giving us dirty looks. It was fun to watch him, but now I fear he’s hooked (not really, I just like to give him a hard time).

The best part of the casino was the buffet. It was beautiful inside, the food was all very good, and it was one of the cheaper meals we had. We ended up eating there twice because of this, so I strongly recommend that if you are in a touristy area where food is expensive, look for that casino buffet. 

On Sunday, we explored a wax museum. It was the worst idea I’ve ever had. Like, I’m ashamed to admit that I was the one that suggested it. The museum was about the size of a house, but laid out in a way that made it seem larger. In order to appear this way, each room was sectioned off by doors rather than archways. At one point I felt overwhelmingly claustrophobic because we were in a small room with about five different figures. The figures themselves looked to be completely real or like creepy dolls -- there was no in-between. I thought this uneasy feeling of being scared that one of them was going to come to life was just me and my overactive imagination, but once leaving I found out that my boyfriend was also pretty spooked about the whole experience.

So to calm down we went and sampled beers. The servers never carded us or looked at us strangely, which made me uneasy as well but also reassured that I wasn’t being illegal. My boyfriend and I argued for which beer was best, but to be honest I don’t really care for beer at all. 

Speaking of servers and overall employees, they will never be paid enough to deal with rude tourists. I watched numerous encounters where tourists were being unreasonably rude to staff members and if there’s any advice I can give you about traveling: be nice to the workers and they will usually give you a nice experience. It’s the famous “treat others the way you would like to be treated.”

When Monday morning came, we headed back to the States and I took a well needed nap while my boyfriend played Smash Brothers to make up for his lost gaming time.

Overall, Niagara Falls was beautiful. I assumed that because of winter there wouldn’t be as many people, but it was pretty crowded over the weekend. However, we never ate a bad meal or experienced anything negative (other than the spooky wax museum but we have erased that from our memory). My only regret is that we didn’t explore as much as we should have. It was very easy to do things that we were familiar with instead of taking risks. My prime example of this was the Apple Bee’s, and although the buffet was amazing, next time I would enjoy to explore what Canada’s menu has to offer, food and experience wise. The most exploring we did was nearby, and we typically stayed close to what was familiar to us. The farthest we went was to a Hershey Chocolate World only to discover that it didn’t have the Hershey Factory Tour ride that our beloved Hershey Park has. In the long run however, we did a substantial amount of walking around and had a very relaxing trip.

To summarize: pack snacks, have a lot of spending money, and enjoy the view because it was the best part. 

[pigstepmp3-moved]

dear duckling

i missed you as well. im sorry my absence had such a negative impact on you.

to answer that first question. every single situation is different.

and the other question, yes, i have been in your situation. i think everyone has been at some point in their lives. we all love and need to be loved so differently, of course its going to cause some riffs. thats what i love about mankind so much, every single person is so, so individual. when you first grasp that, it can feel so lonely and cold. but your individuality is yours, and only yours. you can share that with anyone you want to. it's all yours.

her name was emmeline. she was shorter than me, her hair was a beautiful blonde that i can only describe as sunshine. really, i can only describe her as sunshine. she was my best friend, i was in love with her.

i was cruel to her, really. i'd ditch her to hang out with arrows, i was rude, i pulled her pigtails and pinched and poked. because i knew she'd always be there at the end of the day. she'd be there when i needed her, with open arms and a smile on her face.

one day, she was consoling me after a freak accident. she held me together, id been shattered for two seconds before she taped me back together with the swiftness of hermes. and it hit me, oh did it hit me. my heart shattered, i couldnt breathe. i had treated my best friend and the love of my life as if she was disposable. i sobbed, i choked, i apologized until my face was blue. for hurting her, for treating her like less than she was. and she said it was okay. she was gentle with me, she didnt hate me, she was too forgiving. she'd never leave me.

and she didnt, for a few more years. till she moved away. and we lost touch, sadly.

truthfully, i didnt think about her often after we lost touch. once a month, if that.

then i'd moved, and somehow, we both ended up volunteering for the same organization. it was horribly awkward. we brushed shoulders, shared awkward hellos, but nothing more. and i'll tell you, it hurt. it hurt like nothing ive ever known. i did not know this emmeline. she had interests i didnt know of, she had stories id never heard. she was a new version of herself, that i didnt know.

a few months later, i had to move due to some personal issues. not too far, but far enough that i couldnt be a part of that organization anymore. and then, i didnt know her again. that was okay. again, i didnt think about her for years.

and then suddenly, one day, i did. i thought about her all day. and then the next day, the next week, the next month, until i had thought about her every second of the day for a year. day or night, awake or dreaming, consciously or subconsciously. i caught myself making a birthday wish to know her again.

so one day, i wrote a letter to her. i poured my heart and soul into that letter. and i sent it off. even if she didnt reply, it was amazing to get that off of my chest. i didnt expect a response, i wasnt even sure if she still lived at that address anymore.

but hell if she didnt! the letter fell at my feet, jumped into my shaky hands. i was fucking elated. i read it with weepy eyes, so unbelievably happy that i had a crumb of who she was now. i wrote back, she wrote back, we talked for months. and then she flew out to the city to see me.

would ya believe me if i told you we've been together ever since?

i hope you do, because its the truth. we're older now, of course, but she's still the embodiment of sunshine. she got way too stoned with me the other day when i hadnt stopped by sooner.

now, back to what i said in the beginning. every situation like that is different. emmeline and i, we were only kids when i was that way to her. and we're older now, her and i both know that what went down was a learning experience, and i was a traumatized child who didnt know what was good for me. neither of us have negative feelings towards our younger selves. do i regret how i was to her? of course! but it doesn't consume me. because thats not who we are anymore.

sometimes things cant be mended. and thats okay. i think the advice i can give is, the both of you will have to accept that any outcome is possible, but dont hope for a reconnection. hope for growth in your individuality, and work towards that before you try again. sometimes you're connected with someone at the wrong time, just so you can grow and meet them again when youre both better, older. oh, honey, i know it hurts. but youre so, so young. you have years to let this relationship unfold. id say move on, to the best of your ability. take it slow, or take it abruptly, whatever will work better for you. dont force closure, itll never work when the wound is still so fresh. meet new people, i know thats hard with whats going on now, but im serious. invest in yourself before you try to invest in this relationship anymore. and dont do nothing. find things to do. i know im saying this to a depressed teenager, but i mean it, you need to keep yourself busy, give yourselves things to look forward to. you're going to be okay, my love.

if she was more than a best friend, the way emmeline was more than a best friend to me, it might be harder to do this. but itll be okay. your first love is supposed to hurt, but it shouldnt kill you.

i hope any of this helped you. if you have more questions, i'll be up for a couple more hours. ill try to answer faster this time.

love, marjorie.

i wouldnt necessarily say it was a negative impact, having you not around, but its definitely very nice to hear from you. and im very glad youre back! you have a very comforting way of words.

im very glad that things worked out between you and emmeline in the end. you sharing that whole story really means a lot to me. it makes it a lot easier for me to relate and understand the lesson youre trying to teach me, i guess. (sorry im not able to give a very eloquent response, my brain doesnt allow me to be good at responses).

i really hope that me and my friend can be like you and emmeline and that we can reconnect someday. ive always felt like she was my platonic soulmate, and i still feel that way. ive been doing my best to accept that this could very well be permanent and that i might not talk to her again, and sometimes its easier to deal with that than other times. its been very much a rollercoaster. i try to let myself just feel things as they come and i try not to force myself to be okay, but its hard. i try to focus on myself and i try not to think about her, but its very difficult. i have made new friends since then, though. and i like to think that im handling things a little better than i was a few weeks ago, and i like to hope that itll get easier soon. but i do my best to just hope to get through each day instead of hoping for things to magically get good. its hard to not do that, though. and its hard to focus on other things, but ive been doing as best as i can. i do know that i plan on sending my friend a letter like you did, because i didnt really get a chance to apologize to her like i want to, and i figure a letter is the safest bet - that way theres less pressure for her to respond or even acknowledge that she read it because she can just pretend like it got lost in the mail or something, yknow?

thank you for all of this. this was a very helpful message. i suppose the only question i can think of right now is what made you gravitate towards me? what made you decide to take me in and start giving me advice and everything? dont get me wrong, im appreciative that you chose me and you chose now, but ive been very curious about that

[helenlee2000-blog]

Luddy Wore A Ring #

This is technically my first time to get my hands on fanfiction writing.

I speak English as my sec language so plz correct me if I have made any mistake in picturing my story out.

In this story Ludwig is Feliciano’s boss and Feliciano works as an inhouse designer for Ludwig.(I know the definition is cliche hahaha)

I basically have hatred for the character ‘Japan’(or Kiku whatsoever),so please dont even mention him in area I could see in my page,Thank you so much for cooperation!

Thank you for reading!!!

Feliciano owned a cat, which probably got the eye of Jesus and subsequently has rare bueatiful blue&grey fur.Feliciano loves cuddling him because he felt like when Luddy’s gaze landed on his face while Luddy’s being cuddled,something unique was planted or grown or giving power in his heart.

Feliciano has also loved his cat’s simple but enjoying play with orange-colored balls from his orange-colored carpet.Feliciano considered his cat’s serious facial expression after breaking things funny,and never will the funny time ends at just once.

Luddy is such a cutie,who wouldnt love him?And as Luddy grew from a tiny soft baby into a fit-sized one,entertainment indoor might not satisfy Luddy’s needs,even though Feliciano used up all his mind’s strength to build a grand cat amusement-house,Luddy was so ready to being took for a daily walk outside.

None would have imagined people walking their cat on roads,Feliciano had deep affirmation for the opinion,but also he was thankful to Luddy for bringing him the ‘first walk experience’.Because there he made an incredible first off-work connection with his current boss,Ludwig Beilschimdt.

To be frank Ludwig never had left deep impression on Feliciano.If Feli was forced to make a comment on his boss,he would possibly just state that ‘Mr Beilschimdt is a prudent,responsible,thorough person who is extremely capable in social occassions except for the private ones.’

Though he felt quite afar from his boss,he knew that he had feelings for Beilschimdt.And if the feelings need to be sorted out,Feliciano would put them into the ‘normal in casual times but burning after being considered’ list.

But the feelings never advanced into actions for a few months,Feliciano paused everytime when proposals to offer a conversation with Beilschmidt popped into his head.Sometimes he blames himself, because for his whole life ‘An active and easy-to-talk-to handsome boy’ has been comments for him,and he felt not deserved for those comments when he reaches the ‘Beilschimdt Issue’.

Feliciano didnt know whether Beilschimdt has a social media,or Beilschimdt’s having a cool but obedient golden retriever,neither did he know Luddy would create an opportunity for him at dawn time.

That is exactly why Feliciano is thankful to his cat Luddy.

As he couldnt have expected,meters away stood his boss Ludwig Beilschmidt.And as he could have expected,Beilschmidt wore a only-one-button-off black shirt even though he was just walking his dog.

Ludwig is so capable for people to rely on yet so good looking for people to speak compliments to.

You have got to stay calm,maybe it’s your lucky day today.Feliciano spoke to himself.

And he adjusted to his personal warming smile and confirmed to approach Ludwig in a socially comfortable distance.He knew his voice sounded brisk and gentle.

‘Good evening Mr Beilschmidt!’

He noticed tiny surprise sparked in Ludwig’s eyes when Ludwig saw his hands being tied to a kitty.But the surprise died down in 1 second and he heard Ludwig greeting back.

‘Good evening Mr Vargas.’Then Feliciano thought Ludwig’s smile as a part of the greeting too familiar,for it was exactly the same polite ang commercial smile given to everyone,concluded from his daily observation.

His eyes met with Ludwig’s and though cliche he invited,’It’s been such a great night, would you mind joining me in walking pets?’He wouldnt want to receive a no though a ‘no’ could be a reasonable prediction.

Ludwig didnt turn him down,he took Feliciano’s offer with a polite answer.And at that moment the sun hadnt been all set,Feliciano could still see the incredible beautiful reflection in Ludwig’s blue eyes.

Feliciano couldnt remember much of what he had seen that day,but he remembered clearly that Ludwig had shown interests when talking about the golden retriever Andrew,well made good quality beer,Hazelnut chocolate cakes and some Italian cuisine.

He had used up all conversing skills he learned in his career life and didnt regret a bit of the energy sent for baiting the information about Ludwig.

His boss Ludwig Beilschimdt,lives in a gardened house near his apartment,owns a golden retriever called Andrew,stores much beer at his vintry,has preferences for sausages and hazenut chocolate cakes.It was the first time Feliciano felt that his crush was not afar from him.

When they walked to Ludwig’s door,he was like every single humanbeing who has a crush in heart,bearing irrantional fantasies that the day might not end this quick and that the converstion would not stop this quick.But he had to be prepared to leave a nice impression,for the sake of next enjoyable meeting.

The stars glowed in Feliciano’s eyes,he said to Ludwig,’It was such a nice time shared with you.Im already looking forward to our next meeting.Good night,Mr Beilschimdt!’

How he wished Ludwig could someday kissed him goodbye,but that would defintely not happen if he didnt work hard chasing after Ludwig.

In light dawn Ludwig stood still at his door until Feliciano disappeared from his sight,he has the charm in every polite movement for people to be in awe.And later when Feliciano recalled this scene while washing,he had firmer conviction that in this period everything of Ludwig would make him fall for this man.

He and teenage boys filled with hormones were truly alike,merely relaxing in sofa and thinking about possible expereineces he might have made him smile and satisfied.

Luddy lying beside him comfortably stretched himself.Feliciano caressed and kissed him gently,and then he shut the warm lights off.

Chapter one is finally finished!!!!Hope I contributed to gerita;)

[magical-agatha]

saw a post that was some dumb meme about reminiscing about a happier period of ur life and something clicked 4 me.

my whole life has been shit. there were happy moments sure but by and large i have nothing prior to feb or march this year worth remembering. almost nothing fond to remember before 2018.

i wonder if the reason i never regret anything has to with having nothing to remember prior to 2018.

but that last sentence feels wrong. i do have a few regrets i guess. i regret that my life was so awful until now. but thats not rly a regret. i cant regret something done to me by someone else. i can wish it didnt happen.

but then i start to think. if id never had my life destroyed.. i might not have met my girlfriend. so im not happy i was abused, but i can almost appreciate that what happened to me led to me meeting her.

i wish i hadnt been abused tho. i wish i didnt get reduced to nothing. i wish i didnt have ptsd and bpd and trauma.

if i had the chance i would definitely save myself. if i could travel back and save myself i would. but id make sure i met josie. id save her too.

i feel guilty. bc what i have with josie is unique, and changing my past and hers would change our relationship. it might lead to us never getting together. or maybe we'd love each other even more. but i know she wouldnt take the chance and go back. so i feel guilty that i would. i love her more than anything. but if i could undo what was done to me of course i would. i feel so guilty bc those two things conflict. risking what i have with josie to save myself from getting abused and molested and groomed and treated like dirt for my whole life.

i dont want to lose her or jeopardise what we have. but i also hate the things that were done to me.

thankfully i dont have to actually make this decision lol.

i love my girlfriend. scared of talking about this. scared that if she reads this itll hurt her somehow. i dont want to hurt her. im sure she will be okay. if you read this babe, text me and lets talk about it.

[chipsanddespair]

Clinton Naik

Argh, Im so angry today.

I dont know where this anger came from, but Ive just been cranky all day. I woke up and I just felt bored, and angry because of it, and so complacent and dissatisfied. My whole life, those who are in my life, my body, my bank account, where I stay…just, e v e r y t h i n g made/makes me unhappy. I want it to be better than it is right now. I just wanted some fun activity to wake up and do this Saturday. I wanted a partner to get up with me and motivate me. I wanted a house to myself to wake up and dawdle around in whilst I still woke up. I dont want a dog but I cant let him go. I do everything I can to make sure he is well taken care of still, but at the expense of my own happiness. He is a handful. He is too active and eats anything for any reason. Hes a bulldog but looks like a pitbull, so people judge him by his breed and I can tell they look at us like we are a part of a gang or something and it really pisses me off. It hadnt even reached midday yet and the downward spiral was beginning. I dont have that much money in the bank thanks to my obsessive need to pay back things and not be in debt. Even though Ive set it aside, as in most of what I earned this payday, I still feel snowed under and I will have to use my credit card and thus in turn, pay that back in the future. Earlier I was shown a bit of attitude from Beau about sending him some money to pay back for the times hed paid on my behalf. I thought I sent enough, I cant be sure because I didnt keep track of all the times and what that added up to in the end. Just know this, I have spent well enough on behalf of him too and havent seen compensation for that - it just set me right off to notice this ungrateful trait. I gave what I had left to him. He is the one that quit his job to pursue his passions and cannot control his impulsive preference for fresh cooked food (i.e. take out). This is a personal rant that probably wont make sense. Im not writing it to make sense to anyone. Im just letting whatever needs to come out, come out. Im still pissed off. I dont feel like this relationship works anymore. I dont want to take care of anyone else except myself, maybe I should re home the dog for my well-being. I try my best with him but its just getting too much. It does not help that we live in a small place unsuitable for dogs and we make do with the space we have but its just, no backyard equals poop stops out on the roadside. Anyone reading this would probably judge me, people tend to do that, and I totally get it. I kind of walk the same line as well sometimes. But argh, I just need to complain, pettiness and all. Because Im feeling better as I do it. I had a long phone call today with my Dad. I hadnt spoken to him in ages and it was nice to catch up. I got mad though, he has a knack for not listening. Or you say something and hell say something different as if he wasnt listening. Or hell retell a story hes told a thousand times. I need to be easier on the people who retell me stuff, I just have a big ego and that ego doesnt want to be seen as stupid. Im still mad, but better. I just want to get out of here, I want to drive a thousand miles in one direction and not have to worry about anyone else or any responsibilities. I caught my reflection in the mirror, I exhaled and relaxed my stomach and it spilled out. I look like Im pregnant and my back hurts because of all this weight. Does anyone ever get caught in that pit of despair where they just cant talk. I dont want to cry for help because Im angry at every single person I think Id meet, but I most definitely need some kind of help, or something, I dont know. Conflict is the worst. I need to hold on to hope, and cut this rage in half. Sit down with it for a bit and let it tell me what it needs to. Im not mad at anyone, I truly am not. Im disappointed, maybe, that people cant read my mind, or they arent empaths so they cant understand what I feel and give me what I need. So in turn, I need myself. This is just a slump. A rough patch on the windy road to happiness. They say happiness is a choice, and okay, I choose to be happy now. I have identified my anger, I have identified my dissatisfaction with my current relationship. I have identified that what I am doing now makes me feel somewhat better. I go back and forth still, angry and okay, angry and okay. An annoying song always played on the radio echoes in my head and it only serves to irk me. Is it wrong of me to want the hurricane to come down here and devastate. If it were only me, I would be all for it. No one else would have to get hurt. Im weird like that. I feel like I have such a mundane life that anything like fire drills, floods, tremors, anything that will rip me out of everyday life, those things will liberate me and I will have something else to live for. My basic needs will be more important than my need to go to work and pay bills and expenses. That I will have to survive and experience the thrill of survival rather than crawl through this oppressive corporate world. When I had a freak out like this, mid-January some time, or February. I remember just collapsing in on myself. I couldnt speak, I couldnt feel anything good. I lay down, I wasnt even sleepy, I cried and cried and every emotion was just desolate and I couldnt get up or eat. Beau was there however he could be, but its never quite what I think I need? I appreciate what he does, in all his limited knowledge, but theres something thats missing, compared to someone who has had years in this world and lived an involved and rich life, does that make sense? I need someone, who knows what its like to suffer and have come to terms with their torment, not someone who has known anxiety all his life and not fully reflected upon it. Its not his fault though. Nothing that happens to me is anyones fault, I must remember that. I choose who is in my life, and because of how I have chosen to go about things, I have no one close to me anymore. They are overseas, and available by message but I cant bear to be askedHow are you? How are things? Because I have so little going on right now and I am just not in a mentally healthy space to hear about all the great things others are doing. Does that make me horrible? If it does, Im quite used to being horrible.

POSITIVE. Got to remain positive. Things that are getting me down is: EVERYTHING. BUT, what can I do to fix it?

I am okay for funds. I need to buy me food for the week but I can try and make that a total cost of $50. In that case, I will only have to repay the credit card $100 and that is doable for when the time comes. I will have to pay for gas soon, $60, $160. That is okay. Im taking Beaus rainy day fund for a ticket he racked up using my car and I will also use that for board and pay it back slowly because Im still mad he even dared call my contributionlittle given our circumstances. I will check out the gym tomorrow, have a look around, and when I have the funds, I shall join asap and proceed to go to group fitness classes after work. By the looks of it, the best classes start from Wednesday through to Sunday. Four days of seven is okay! Monday and Tuesday can be swims or dog walks. I need to get my Fitbit charged so I can monitor my calories burned. That being said, before even going food shopping, I need me a caloric diet plan and I will stick to that like no other. Its funny, my biggest personal growths are always from moments between Beau and I that further separate us. I dont know if thats actually good or not but personally I feel motivated to get myself sorted the more he makes me regret wanting to be associated together. That does actually sound really toxic, well see how we are by the years end. I should do a weight loss progress report after this. I need my weight and measurements, do some calculations for calories and then think about what I like eating and fit that into my caloric diet. What I learnt when I was having fun with this last year was that even though 1700 calories is pretty hard to stay at or under, if you go and burn a few 100 at the gym, youre all sorted! You can eat more, you dont feel like youre starving and you get to ride the wave of endorphins because of the exercise - win win!

I feel like theres something missing.

I could tidy the room a bit. I need to buy more tights - they are usually $6 a pair. I think I could get three. $178.

Oh my gosh. I owe a friend a banner designed on photoshop, and because I take a long time to do things, especially creative things since Im not bursting with ideas, that is low key stressing me out because I dont want to let him down. Oh wow, maybe thats why I have such salty feelings :o

I have to set aside some time to do that tomorrow.

On an consistency achievement note, I have been diligently salt water soaking my piercing that was giving me trouble and it looks like its settling down :)

I already feel better. You know what would make it even better, a nice hot shower. Oh yes, I feel way better. Oh hey, and why not stop there, Im going to make me a perfectly tempered hot cup of tea and tune in to a Netflix movie before I say goodnight to my subscription. I feel like rewarding my eyes and brain with the talents of Heath Ledger and his amazing portrayal of the Joker.

So, tonight:

caloric diet to be made

weight and measurements to be taken

tidy room a bit

shower

watch The Dark Knight after cup of tea is made

Tomorrow:

design banner for friend

scope out gym (maybe sign up if they offer something beneficial for me in my circumstance)

check out this yoga/pilates place near house

laundry! clothes, sheets and blankets

give $200 board to landlord

Next three days:

pay off $150 ticket

cancel Netflix

pay car rego $13

Letting out the bad unfiltered helps to clear way for the good. And planning how to get the good gets your mind thinking of how to be productive.

Thank you, blog <3