#i did this until probably high school?
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i probably have some sort of dissociative disorder but i have a job so idrc about that rn
#icarus speaks#like#i’m thinking back to all of middle/high school#where i just kept telling my doctors ‘yeah the depression medication is working like i’m chill now’#‘but i do not fucking feel connected to myself still’#babes i don’t think those were depressive symptoms 😭#i do not think it is normal to feel dissociated 24/7 king#but also this is not on me considering i explained what i now realize is dissociation to a T to my therapist at the time#and she literally went ‘wow that’s weird. never heard anyone feel like that before’#so i don’t think me not realizing this is probably a bigger issue and not me being hashtag quirky#for like 10 years#still insane to me to think back on that#my exact description to her was something like ‘there’s a glass wall between myself and the world including my own body and memories.’#‘i can see them but something is keeping me from being able to connect with them like everyone else seems to be able to’#AND SHE REACTS LIKE THAT???#WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR LICENSE FROM HELLOOOO 😭#she genuinely set me back at least 8 years considering i did not accept that whay i feel is dissociation until like last year 😭
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actually stunned by how gay The Beatles has been all this time and I just never knew
#like its always just been there in my life but i just never paid attention#my university roomie was obsessed w them and had several beatles posters that i looked at every day#so stuff like the pictures of them from the let it be album are like engrained into my brain#and yet i never knew the lore??#nor did i know until recently that they were actually all high school buds nor did i know they wrote their own music#nor that they genuinely basically invented modern bands n using the studio the way they did etc. so all that was very impressive and cool#but THEN on top of that omg the angsty gayness of john and paul#like all i knew previously basically was that john was a thing w yoko ono and paul had a young wife recently#i had at one point heard of people shipping j&p together and was just kinda like wow i guess people will ship anything#I DIDNT KNOW#that they were actually like that cute and that insane together and that their song writing together was like an actual marriage#anywayz the old pictures and videos of them are just like jesus look how they look at each other i dont think it was just being bros#i am sort of in the camp of they prob didn't act on it for real but there was def some insane tension/chemistry going on#and then ofc once youre aware of this their songs take on so many possible meanings outside of just singing about their gfs and wives....#anyways i just have to vent about this somewhere bc im actually shocked at how this has just passed me by all these years#and it definitely was not on my bingo card for 2024 to fixate on the beatles but here we are lol#more proof to me that my ultimate fave trope or wtv is 'besties to enemies when really they actually probably wanted to be lovers'#gets me every time!!!!#whats been fun about this rabbit hole is how just every single one of my expectations has been reversed as well#i went in assuming i would like them best in this order:#(1) george (2) ringo (3) paul and (4) john#i was sure i would hate john i thought he sounded so pretentious and like such a douche#but no actually he is my fave one and it's literally in reverse order for me i find george my least fave#(i like his music and feel bad for how he got ignored in the band but i like him the least)#and then i literally am john paul ringo george in order of faves now#i just love when i get surprised like that idk it keeps me on my toes and keeps things exciting and fresh#and yes john is indeed pretentious and a douche but i didn't know he was also funny and vulnerable and that i like his voice and songs#the most in the bunch almost every time as well#the beatles#p
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hes doing linear algebra👍
danny design is mostly from the amazing @/nicktoonsunite !
#danny is just wearing basically what i was wearing today lmao. sketched this IN my linear algebra class#trying to explore different coloring styles... and fun poses!#ok now fun details u get if u like to look at tags: dannys shirt is the album cover of earthhammer's single arboretum dance#which i listened to while drawing this. hes doing matrix multiplication but the writing is pretty crunched so u cant tell#i think danny would enjoy learning at his own pace/style once he graduates high school. i dont think hed go to college immediately or even#consider it until hes years older - i think hes more kinetic and maybe goes into a trade.... mechanic maybe?#i totally project tho so danny loves math <3 he rlly enjoys discrete whereas jimmy is more into calculus.... they argue over this a lot#also danny should probably be wearing glasses as per iz's design buuuut i got lazy :P#anyways <3 i did avoid MY linear algebra hw to color + polish this....#ok tags now:#danny fenton#nicktoons unite!#<- ostensibly - this is set in the NU! aged up au from nicktoonsunite so its going in the tag#danny phantom
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i don't know how well-versed you are with the japanese language but i'm curious so i thought i'd ask it anyway: what pronouns would kuroba use for themself?
i'm not super well-versed in japanese, but i do some rudimentary knowledge about things like honorifics or pronouns! i mentioned it very briefly on their af page, but kuroba would use " boku " when referring to themself. they've always felt more comfortable using it over more feminine-assigned pronouns like " atashi. "
#i could see them using '' watashi '' in high school though#like in some attempt to conform better and avoid comments that'd only add to the gender discomfort they're already starting to deal with#they did other stuff like that in high school like pitching up their voice since it's naturally deeper#( also those would probably be two more reasons why kara didn't recognize them until much later on )#asks#oc : kuroba#mj rambles
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I’m always writing these damn breakup texts at 4 in the morning
#I didn’t realize how pissed I was until I was like hmmm it’s probably not normal to fantasize about your ‘friend’s’ apartment burning down#love her but I hate her but I love her etc etc#I hope something fucking horrible happens to her she deserves it#and yet I want nothing but the best for her#god I hate toxic friendships#anyways she has not initiated a conversation like literally all year#I think I’m well within my rights to block her#I’m just mad I didn’t do it sooner#lea talks#you have one unhealthy friendship in highschool and it sets you up to be fucked forevermore#every time I think I find someone who’s going to be a real friend#they do something terrible#I actually can’t believe she knows how bad I hate being ghosted due to the aforementioned high school friendship#AND THEN SHE DID IT ANYWAYS#why do I get stuck with the worst fucking communicators#girl TELL ME WHAT I DID TO PISS YOU OFF#i really did think we were close and then she just cut me out of her life and I don’t even know why#like even some of our last conversations#god#I don’t even know#vent post#urghhhh#lmao on the off off off chance she sees my blog#fuck you#if you didn’t want to be friends you could’ve at least said goodbye#I can’t believe I got a shit grade on my chem exam because I was comforting you through your stupid breakup
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I may be mildly aromatic
#wordstag#no real talk I've always brushed it of as pssssssshhhhhhh I'm much too romantic for that#but I think I'm romantic in a. In the literary movement way. Yknow.#whatever that was years ago anyhow. Surely I've grown and changed. Kind of Miss Her#on god sometimes i forget that was a real thing that happened to me for real in a 'it felt unreal' sorta way until my Friend brings it#up as some sorta proof of something. Like no!!! You're better at romance than me look at this weeklomg#relationship you had with this girl in high school . Horrid#honestly. Real talk. The real reason I broke off (broke up is a strong word) from her is probably jsut#the distance? Literally and emotionally. Have never been big on labels and such and she like#was REALLY excited to slap a label on the whole thing. Scary stuff. Do i love you? Sure. What does that make us?#I don't know. Didn't know. And I didn't really..... care? My Fault!#Anyways what were we talking about? Was going through my email ( as prompted by sy post) and it was like waooooh. That happened for REAL#Bro did NOT handle that well XD#bros scared of not only facing but also admitting its feelings... what a fool!#ok. What were we on about. Anyways goooooooooodnight. Average night at the least.
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was anyone gonna tell me that attraction does not, in fact, “kick in” once you’re 13 and is, in fact, supposed to crop up as early as 6 and I think around 10 years old
or was I just supposed to look it up on a whim and get blindsided
#it speaks#aromantic#asexual#aroace#seriously though I straight up thought it would suddenly appear when I was 13#bc like. ok. my knowledge of romance and related things was entirely based on film/tv#and every high school thing has relationship drama right? so like#be me. tiny and oblivious. watching this.#what else was I supposed to conclude?#also yeah I did the thing and went “I probably won’t worry about that until college anyway I guess I can start doing it then”#if you’re reading this no allo people do not#apparently#pick a time to start dating people
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whenever i hear a song that i would like if it weren’t for the fact that it was too long, i think about this:
like you can afford to write tangentially if you/your music is already popular and you know that people are going to listen to you no matter what and in fact laud your longer pieces as being genius etc but can you really be releasing 5+ minute long songs without a built-in audience?
#idk. thinking about this because of the new lana album and i think i’d like a lot of these songs better if they were shorter lol#some of these songs drag so much especially when she includes these long sections of like one repeated line over and over again#or like when taylor swift releases the extended version of all too well and everyone freaked out#that’s all good and well but she HAD to release the shorter version first#and she knows she has this huge fanbase that will eat that shit up no matter what she does really#part of it is nostalgia admittedly but i also think the shorter version is just a better song#that song is on the longer side to begin with but 10 minutes???? why#(i did listen to both songs back to back to make sure my opinion was still the same as when the 10 minute version was released & it is lol)#idk! obviously i’m bad at this myself because i write so fucking much to express a simple point but it is more skillful to be able#to say things as effectively and precisely in a more concise way#not saying this ONLY applies to mitski because she’s the one this article is about but she is a good example of it#like being able to express a feeling in just a couple lines that would probably take a less skilled writer like a novel to express#it also reminds me of how my high school latin teacher described how in college he took a class about museum design or something like that#and their first assignment was to write a description of an artifact to tell museum visitors what it was#and every time he submitted a draft the professor would tell him to make it shorter while still communicating the necessary information#until he literally could not make it any shorter than it already was#because you have to assume that people are not gonna read all that! because they won’t unless they have some kind of external motivation to#idk there IS something to be said for including ‘unnecessary’ parts of writing etc obviously there’s nuance#but a lot of the time i think if there isn’t a reason to include something then why include it!
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My fragile artistic little brain cannot handle Senior High Gen Math :,D
Wish me luck on my QT exam next week T-T
#senior high school#stem#fuck my life why did I even chose STEM#fyp#still will probably be worthit once I graduate though#this is just the tip of the iceberg#Our Grn Math professor just told us we were supposed to have 10+ LESSONS IN#THE FIRST QUARTER WHAAT??!#yh we only had 4 lessons on our first quarter thanks GOD#Correction “Grn Math...” =》 “Gen Math...”#Think this one's easy? Just wait until we had to apply Piecewise Function on every types of function.
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tbh i don’t believe ppl who say they shave bc leg hair gives them sensory issues or whatever bc *i* actually get sensory issues from shaving so like. what is the truth.
#obviously my experiences are universal (slash ess)#but literally i quit shaving my legs permanently after having a meltdown abt not being able to get it complete/perfect/symmetrical#continued to shave my armpits until i finished high school bc i was in dance and i did get a little insecure onstage#but more than that i was afraid my teachers would make me shave. i was already pushing it w my haircut lmao#(i didn’t do any intensive classes or competition it probably would’ve been fine but. the owner was mean#i barely interacted with her but i was afraid she’d single me out)#ANYWAY shaving my armpits def was worse for my sensory issues#like they’re a little uncomfortable sometimes snow but never as bad as when the hair was stubbly and growing back out#i also have upper lip hair that i’ve never done anything about <3#that’s the only thing i’d actually consider removing but idk how i would#that’s one of those things where i always felt like everybody else knew something i didn’t#like i’m i’m not supposed to have a mustache but how is everybody else getting rid of it that they’re not telling me.#i’m aware of different ways but i don’t want to do that Wrong One#that’s not the issue now so much as i don’t want to learn to shave my face and don’t want it to grow back more visible (i know it doesn’t#grow back thicker but if it was stubbly it would be noticeable.)#i also have a unibrow and i love her <3#r.txt
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It's not too late to start being kind to yourself today 💕✨️ but i hope tomorrow is a better day for you if today wasn't so great 💖
So sweet of you to say that 🥺 I'm afraid I've already fallen into that vicious "I can't do this" cycle so today's lost, but as I said, maybe tomorrow will be better
#i need to prepare a 15 minute teaching ''sample'' for the job interview tomorrow#and i'm actually full-on panicking about it every 10 minutes#i'm probably just trying too hard and should just keep it simple#because i was told they mostly want to see my teaching style etc.#but i feel so self-aware about the fact i've never taught on this level#of course i had never taught on high school level either until i did but that's totally different#on high school courses they have pre-selected course books that the teacher should utilize in their teaching#in uni they obviously don't have that#i had to teach a ''bookless'' content learning course in my previous school and it was a total disaster and i was so stressed out#which doesn't really make me feel any better about this job tbh#if i can't put together one 15 minute sample then how could i put together a whole fucking course from scratch?#i'm just not qualified enough i can't do this i can't do this i can't i can't i can't#this is not a feeling it's a fact supported by evidence#that's the problem with my life: i don't have enough good experiences to convince myself that i got this#no feelings of success equals to no feeling of being good enough#this goes for almost everything in my life btw not just work stuff 🤷♀️#anon asks#answered asks
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I am straight up NOT having a good time right now
#adhd hell brain trying to do schoolwork at the last minute#this is so stupid because technically I'm ''studying''#but actually I get GRADED on this stupid REVIEW SHEET based on how detailed it is#which isn't how I study at all but whatever#straight up just feels like the stupid busy work they gave me in high school#that used to take me like 6 hours because it was so boring I couldn't focus on it#and college courses basically never make you do stupid shit like that but this professor is built different <3#honestly with the state MY fucking brain is in right now I'd probably just try my luck with the test#maybe just study a few of the things I'm less sure about because that's all I've got the mana for#I got fucking MARKED DOWN for my LAST study guide for ''not being detailed enough''#like what do you want from me? this is how I study and I got a 92% so CLEARLY it works for me#also not for nothing the specific part I got marked down for was the material we covered in the class I had to miss#because I caught covid IN HER CLASS#and I'd emailed her to ask what I should do to catch up on that material#because she deliberately doesn't put the information from lectures on her slides#and she didn't answer me until AFTER we'd already taken the exam for that material#also not for nothing (again) but I'm pretty sure SHE also caught covid because she was coughing for like two weeks#around the time there was a known exposure in our class#and not only did she continue doing class in person#she didn't even wear a fucking mask!!
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vent
#vent#don't think i have seasonal depression but i hate the end of the school year being during spring#because then i have to think about the fact that i'm not even close to graduating#it took me 3 years to finish core classes because i kept failing and having to retake some due to procrastination that i feel is controllab#le but probably isn't and i think i have an underlying issue but i don't have a diagnosis. and i don't think i'm getting one anytime soon#because my sister is going to college next school year and our family is going to be short on spending money#and i feel guilty that it feels like im wasting my parent's money#whenever we visit family they always ask when i'm graduating and next year will be my fourth year but i'm not and i feel like a fucking#fool. and yes i see a lot of posts about college positivity and that it's a marathon not a race and that it takes everyone different#amounts of time to graduate but it does nothing if it feels like im wasting it all away over something i can easily control but what if#it's not that easy to control? i need a psychiatrist but the last time i tried to get an appointment they put me on a 6 week wait list that#i never heard from besides one call asking if i still wanted to be on it#and i can't go to my previous doctor anymore because i'm 21 now and have to go to the one my parents use#previous doctor told me i seem fine and didn't have anything wrong with me#and i feel like she's right#but this excessive procrastination didn't start until high school and where did everything go so wrong? why can't i complete school work in#a timely manner anymore? i was able to do it just fine in my first semester but ever since i went on a 2 day vacation it's all been downhil#and i can't seem to recreate the success of getting A's and B's that semester again
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Nothing like uncovering levels of mental illness you hadn't realized you'd reached while sorting through stuff to move. Next therapy session in 3 weeks (cause move and my therapist is on vacation) should prove interesting :)))))
#i'm fine atm#but hot damn was teenage me Not Okay & I should probably talk about that with someone#bc it has yet to be properly addressed#also have more to add to the ongoing 'I was very much failed by the public school system & the adults in my life in spectacular ways' file#brought to you by discovering that at 16 i thought it important to save things such as a psat student guide#which i again kept at 18 when heading off to college#and again at 23 when i moved out of my parents house for the first time#and only just threw away now#i am 32 and this was a 17 year old psat guide book#why did i keep it at all let alone this long???#great question#i'd love to tell you#but i don't have an answer#i don't know why i kept things like that or “all of the decorations from my 16th birthday party”#but i *did*#and while they were not in this particular box i remember also keeping 'every magazine i got from age 10 until i graduated high school'#and like damn i knew i was autistic and mentally ill#but this is extreme#i felt *guilty* throwing away the damn psat booklet and it's for a version of the test they no longer give!!!#“what if i want it again?”#hey me i can absolutely promise that won't happen#you won't want your high school id either#pls chill & speak with a therapist
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i sent vacation crush the pictures from the trip and thanked me n said he didn't even know i took most of them and i said im like google earth always takin pics (forgetting he has zero pop culture knowledge like. i know he was born during their time but i had to explain who the spice girls are? anw google earth is maybe funnier without knowing im quoting leslie knope) ANYWAY my point here was that he sent and deleted like a triple text of replies?? i think there was another thank you, sth else innocuous and one that started with "you're making" im what, making his day? to which i would've said him saying that made my day but it was gone when i clicked the notification
#this is a longer post than i meant it to be but ive said what i was gonna say so#(if ur lost check the last post in#vie#i can't believe i MISS HIM#like he's a sweet kid (having used that word i need to clarify that while the age gap is. a gap he IS legal)#although - i didn't even mean to segue into this but it's just so funny - my brother told me he tried to rizz up a girl who turned out to#be a 30+ year old woman - she asked his age and after he answered said im probably your mom's age - that conversation ended there but the#next night she danced and chatted with him for half the time we were all in the dancefloor area#and my brother said he's got that statutory rizz GJDKSK#we didn't get to tell him bc she was there until we said our goodbyes and that was our last night and well. im certainly not saying that#i haven't let on to him about anything just been overly friendly - well i did touch his arm that one time what were we talking about#oh he brought up some mildly disappointing situation and i said something supportive and sort of squeezed his arm#i did also compliment his shirt - this is all that last night - but i feel like saying well it's a good shirt in response to some comment he#made abt it not being ideal to dance in is neither here nor there#i just can't believe dina 'im your mother's age' lastname got to dance with him but there's always someone like this#(see also: andrew from elementary school st the party earlier this year and the high school crush our mutual friends all knew about)#more on that (and other things)#in the#lore#tag -and vie im sure-#ANYWAY i have to go to sleep!!! yes i am rambling bc im sleep deprived i went to bed at 3am that night and couldn't get back to sleep after7#bc that's what happens when i stay up! then i had a flight later in the day.....#i did have one of my nice productive soeep deprived days tho after an appointment i bought gorg dip bowls in that area and looked at#lil personal item suitcases at another mall (ended up getting one id seen online) and swimsuits on sale bc i was lacking in both this trip#i will never wash a swimsuit in a hotel shower again (or at least just one per trip max instead of 3) and i simply cannot carry a big#shoulder bag so ive been bogging my dad or brother down with theirs and mine but now i'll have one on wheels instead!
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Why would YouTube recommend me this lmao. I have a medical condition (several technically). I cannot overcome it with “study tips” and I will never again behave like I’m a middle school student who has no choice but to do homework. It actually isn’t shameful to fail a course, even if it’s on purpose because you’re tired
#I never look up study tips and this did genuinely hurt to see#so I’m just a little mad at the algorithm for assuming my interest in planners and stickers translates into wanting study advice#probably aimed at high school students at the oldest#because ‘after school’ for me could be 10am or 5pm (not that I’d be home until about 6:30pm at the earliest)#and many days I’ll have no courses at all
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