#i didnt feel well at all yesterday and im just looking after myself after that

[toastsnaffler]

ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(

[quaranmine]

Hi, not sure if you remember me, but i sent an ask a while ago saying how i love the Incadescence of a dying light and that i talk about it with my friend and how we both really liked the story and are juts you know discussing it well update to now. we still do that lol. i cant stop thinking about it, i listen to the firewatch OST on the daily, resonating with each track at a time. I love it. I live it. I am enamored. Everytime Im studying Polish (my native language) and revising each epoch for my upcoming finals i cant help but connect themes and motives to that wonderful story of yours. If i land on a fitting topic in my oral final exam (like pop-culture, creativity and arts, certain themes in modern media) you BET Ill be talking about this fic (with all the credit I can give of course!) cause USARWSETDYRVUHUISC I cant get it out of my head. Its such an amazing example of how the media of fanfiction elevates the story to its maximum potential. How knowing the characters makes it so much easier to connect and resonate, even though Mumbo is absent from the majority of the fic, we still feel hurt after finding out whats happened to him. Like, its such an amazing creative medium I love fanfiction and TERSSXEFJNKVCRXSERARXSXERCDJNGIKKDc :thumbsup: oh gosh The Incadescence of a Dying Light. yeah so fun fact i actually had to look up what it means cause i didnt know the word before and oh. oh. oh its so much worse and more painful. really love it, i do, oh i do! I now have acquired (idk how to spell it lul) the never subsiding lust for nature and outdoors and hiking and being a part of it. I love it, you made me regain my love for it. I loved it before, yes, but i was caught up in my own head and had so much stuff i had to do, but now i love to look out my window even more, i love strolling in my garden. i love it. thank you, thank you, thak youuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :thumbsup: So yeah, this fic is one of my faves of all time, i like it a lot, it has inspired me to live more and be alive basically and also. and for the end a fanart of an alternative ending where Mumbo somehow survives and just lives in the forest like a wild animal, living his best life, eating berries (i decided on drawing him eating berries [peace love and plants] instead of chowing down [is chowing a word??] on some rabbit lol) and then grian finds him and its super awkward

HI! Yes, of course I remember you! First of all, had a really wild day yesterday at work, but I read this at soooome point on my phone during the middle of the day and it made me smile :)

This ask is just so??? AAAAAAA???? I almost don't know how to respond, because it's just SO wonderful to hear this about something I created. Like I did that? I made a thing that is sticking deeply with people? I'm just soooo <333333

I like your point about how fanfiction can maximize story potential! I think it'd make a wonderful essay topic honestly. I have thought about this in connection with fanfic a lot--specifically, the divide between original fiction and fanfiction. In original works, you have to make the audience care. You have to introduce me to a character, setting, and story I will be interested in. I've read a lot of negative book reviews that start off with "the author didn't make me care about the characters" (i have also...said this myself about books I ended up not liking.) With fanfic, you skip that step! It lets you jump right in. I don't have to explain Mumbo and Grian's friendship or demonstrate it to you. You just Know. Someone reading it fandom blind would get the implication about how important they are to each other simply by seing the depth of Grian's grief, but for my intended audience, I can do whatever I want because I trust you to already have the background information you need.

The title is from a line I really like in a song (Post Humorous by Gus Dapperton). It just...painted such a nice word picture. Especially for a story about grief death and fire!

I just. Love that this fic helped you regain a desire for nature? That just makes me feel...warm, I guess, to know that I was able to spark that with something I created. I hope it goes well for you, and you get to take many walks. This spring I've been using the trails near my aunt's house (not.....hiking paths. too urban.) much more. I wanted to walk this week but I was too busy lol. I hope you have many wonderful experiences out in the Great Outdoors <3 one of these days, I swear I'll up and move to a place with "better" nature and "real" trails close by.

Also, SKFJSLFJSKFLSJKF your fanart made me laugh so much. I have like. Entertained this idea. Not as an actual or serious part of the story but I was like man wouldn't it just be off-the-wall if he was just vibing Out There 😭😭😭 You've caught the vibe perfectly LOL

this was all around such a special message to hear, thank you SO much!

[dappersautismcreature]

here, maybe. a small masterpost abt this furniture/caging bad thing.

this IS imprisonment without trial, without justice. bad was entirely willing to talk this out with people, it wasn't like he was running. even when things were turned against him in early conversation he did not run. there was no point to caging him asides from some idiotic idea of cop vs robber that people had about this situation. they didnt have any evidence, even richas' testimony isnt strong evidence. theyve had evidence of further damning things on other people and have never resorted to this.

and thats another point. nobody besides the federation has ever trapped or hurt another islander like this. you HAVE to admit this is a crossing of a line not previously crossed.

im not calling anyone in this situation 100% in the wrong, 100% the villain, or 100% the thief. and neither should literally ANYONE when doing character analysis in this. until we have concrete undeniable proof of action without remorse, i will not condemn any of these characters to posts about 'how evil they are for doing such and such'. i expect you to agree, if you dont, i do not understand you.

cc!bad could still be pulling a fast one on all of us, i agree. in fact im still not calling for his innocence. but i will admit there are many factors to this that are in favor of him. i think i can say i know q!bad, and how cc!bad plays him, preeeetty well? of course im no egotistical idiot, i can be wrong, but so could anyone at this point -___-

it is very odd to see q!cellbit acting like this, and i know many things point to his time as f!cell having an impact on his actions now. so i would like yall to also consider that cellbit may be biased and not completely in his right mind right now. i think that is an intentional character choice on the cc!s behalf.

most of this is intentional, thought out roleplay. do not harass any ccs in this, keep harsh venting against characters to their proper neg tags and mostly in private. and id also like to say, especially to white americans, look at your posts through a lense of anti-racism, anti-xenophobia, and a sense of worldwide politics and democracy vs just american politics and democracy. i myself have had to examine my posts and actions and learn new things. it is better to correct your internal xenophobia and misunderstandings in the draft phase, learn from it, and move on, rather than doubling down. listen to hurt brazilians about this PLEASE. we do not want tumblr to become a twitter cesspool.

overall, very excited. i was feeling down after yesterdays arguements with seemingly no ends but now that actions have finally been made i am so excited. qsmp truly is about to enter a new era and i am inspired! revolution time babyyy!

[dylanmunson]

\ Joseph takes a liking to you /

requested via wattpad

part one wattpad | P2 / wattpad \ tumblr | P3 / wattpad \ tumblr

Master of Masterlists | Masterlist | Wattpad | Request

part two

so i had an idea, and its kinda to do with this request, and yes im using comic con as an example, and stfu, im using my cosplay and shit as examples and uhh yeah stfu. let me live my moment. 

wordcount: 1.3k | not sure how i feel about this but we move, mega word vomit. 

/////////////

It was comic con, and i had a photo op with joseph quinn. I had also managed to get an autograph signing for the following day, deciding against getting todays autograph slot as i knew today was going to be so much busier then tomorrow. 

Standing in the queue to get in, i see a bunch of stranger things cosplays, grinning to myself, the excitement fully setting in as i get my bag checked before entering the centre. Walking over to the big time table sheets on the wall i glance at my phone to check the time, knowing my photo slot is this afternoon, i decide to have a wonder around before making my way up to the photo area. 

Seeing the centre full of hellfire shirts and stranger things cosplays brings a stupid grin to my face, only having seen very few harleys, im quite happy with my cosplay of choice. I go round to a few tables looking at all the things for sale, deciding to buy a few things. 

Its now coming up to my photo op and im nervous, im about to meet the gorgeous man that is Joe Quinn. Making friends in the queue before my batch number is called, i get my ticket ready on my phone and make my way over to the staff member so they can scan it for me. Walking into the photo area i see joe smiling for photos with the other fans, trying to interact with them for as long as he can before the next comes along for their photo. Pushing my nerves aside as it soon comes to my turn. 

"Hi" i grin up at the beautiful man, his eyes even more gorgeous in real life, "hello love" he smiles, "could i get a cuddle?" i chuckle "yeah of course" he  grins wrapping his arms around me "how are you?" i mumble as the photos being taken, "im well, overwhelmed but well" he smiles down at me, i nod "thank you for taking time with everyone here, it really means alot" i smile, he puts a hand to his chest and smiles "its a pleasure love" he smiles. 

Im being ushered away, his hand slowly leaving my back "take care love" he says as i leave "bye!" i grin back at the man, he half smiles waving before the next fan is grabbing his attention. I wait for my photo to be printed before leaving the photo area and walking over to the friends that i had made during the day. 

"i fucking love that man" i sigh, putting my photo in a protective frame "hes so fucking pretty" i laugh. 

After that we walk around a little more, before deciding to head home, calling it a day as we're back tomorrow. 

/////

The next day, i didnt cosplay, i just wore a home made hellfire tee, since everywhere and i mean EVERYWHERE had sold out. A pleated skirt and my docs, i meet up with the people i had met yesterday stopping in a corner shop to grab some breakfast and drinks before heading to the centre. 

Upon entering the centre, you can already tell its going to be a some what of a quieter day. Going back to the big time table sheet on the wall, theres nothing about autographs, so we head straight to the autograph area since Joe doesnt have anything till lunchtime. 

The queue for him is moving, so we join at the end, showing the staff our tickets as we wait to see Joe again. Having packed my photo from yesterday for him to sign, i rock on my heels waiting for our turn. 

He comes in to view and he looks happy, tired but so happy to see all the support. It quickly becomes our turn and i let my friend go first as i stand back and film their interaction. "Hey sweetheart" he grins standing up, opening his arms, i bite my bottom lip, cheeks reddening as i walk forward into his arms, giving him a hug "how are you today love?" he smiles letting go, putting his hands on the tops of my arms. "I'm well, how are you" i smile at the curly haired man. "im well" he chuckles, i nod and pull out my photo "i didnt catch your name yesterday love" he smiles grabbing a black sharpie popping the lid off. "y/n" i smile, he nods "there you go beautiful" he smiles, resting his hand on top of mine. He looks to the staff member next to him, nodding his head. 

I frown, but dont say anything, not having a clue whats going on. "care to join me sweet?" he smiles standing up again, "uh sorry what?" i chuckle, he just smiles down at me "care to join me for a drink?" he smiles "i uh" "you dont have to i just" he stops "no id love to, but dont you have more signings?" "having a break before my talk" he grins, running a hand through his hair. I nod "ohh, makes sense." The staff member giving me a look before leading us to the celeb area. 

Quickly sending my friends a text to let them know i'll find them in a bit, i pop my phone back in my pocket and look up at joe, as he moves in front of me holding the door for me "why thank you kind sir" i giggle "a pleasure darling" he smiles putting his hand on my lower back as he enters behind me. We sit at a table in the corner, as he gets us both a cold drink and begins eating. I smile at the man and lean my head in my hand, elbow on table. 

"not that im not loving this but do you not want some quiet time" i say biting my lip, feeling my cheeks redden a bit. He smiles softly "i had to take my chance" he grins, i frown "what?" he lets out that little giggle he does, you know the one, you know what im talking about. He bites at his nails and looks at me again before saying "i'm not going to lie, you caught my eye, so" he grins, his cheeks now going a pink shade. "then when i saw you in the line, i knew i had to yano get to know ya" he chuckles running a hand through his hair, before wiping his hands on his jeans. 

"me?" i mumble pointing to myself, he nods. I scrunch up my nose covering my face feeling a massive blush take over. "adorable" he grins. 

"10minutes Joseph" someone says in our directions, he nods his head, letting out a little sigh. "do you maybe wanna grab a drink after?" he says finishing off his water. "uh, sure" i smile, handing him another bottle of water. "You gotta stay hydrated" i grin "its warm" he smirks "of course, here" he says handing me his phone, i frown taking it but realise hes set it up for me to put my number in. 

The heat not leaving my cheeks as i type my number in before handing it back to him. "i'll send you a message when im finished" he smiles, standing up i nod standing up beside him. "i'll see you later ok?" he mumbles pulling me in for another hug, i nod against his chest "see you later joseph" i mumble, "wait do you prefer joe or joseph?" i smile looking up at him, him smiling, like the smile where his dimples show. 

"i dont mind love, but i do like how joseph sounds" i nod, my cheeks now slightly aching from all the blushing and smiling. "Joseph" a man says walking over, "i'll see you later" he chuckles letting go of the hug, i nod "stay hydrated joseph" he chuckles saluting me as he leaves the celeb area. 

Munson Taglist @alicefallsintotherabbithole @steves-robin @onlydruig @tenderhornynihilist @itsyouimagines @witchsbitchestime @kyomiite @girl-with-an-orange-cat @flatoust11 @udontcarethisshit @chloepricerk800 @kellysimagines @caitfrogs @get-me-to-wonderland @bdpst-massacre @lagataprrr @goldenharrysworld @oo0lady-mad0oo @presidential-facts @qu7nn @pleasantlycrazyworld @ladyapplejackdnd @little-cupcake17 @meaganjm @dixontardis @megsrose @chaos-incorp @sourbutcalm143 @lieblingsmenzch @kbakery @positivevibesnlif3 @stcastwh00re @greatfandomsgalore @eddies-gf-86 @mariar597 @lothiriel9 @lesliemcawesome @chrisevansmarvelmcu @zdarie @notbeforelong @jayy-sins @witchy-bisexual @stephanie-lkj

[thephloxbayou]

Im so fucking angry.

I wasnt going to talk about going per protocol but this was so fucking lame it doesn't matter. It was never a threat or a blink on existence.

I went to a local vigil for Aaron Bushnell.

Now, a few things. This is my first time getting to go to anything like this. I have a sleep disorder, and I work nights. Usually activist groupings tend to happen last minute/you find out last minute. I'm far from Boston, on Cape Cod (I've mentioned where i lived generally before hence why I dont mind saying it here), and it's an ordeal to go even for fun. Things rarely happen on days I have off, and if they do, i probably worked the night before or have to that night. I cant take work off, im poor and its hard to get last minute coverage without my job being at risk.

But I found out yesterday about the local vigil. I rested up well before my shift, did it and came home and got very little sleep. But I could manage and that was the point, I could so I should. I had clothes prepped, black bloc even though i didnt expect anything to happen, and dressed for the cold and rain (its closer to 50 today). My phone was at home, my ID and house key in the car, parked some ways away and walked, only had my car key, a water bottle, and a few fruit snacks on me. It started at 1pm but I got there at 2 (lack of sleep plus making sure to eat a good meal just in case rather than run out on a near empty stomach).

I didnt expect a ton, this area is wealthy and white, but I wanted to be ready if anyone of color got harrassed because I have my privilege as a white person. Good to practice anyways. I also felt like maybe the gathering would have more energy, given that it came out that Aaron was a Cape Cod native. Either way, I was prepared to stand outside all day even if the rain that was forecasted was pouring down.

Well I walk up at 2... and they're wrapping up. Everyone (like 45 people) is standing around with signs, but theyre chatting and holding the signs down at their sides. They took a group photo with their signs calling for an end to this horribleness while smiling. I finally managed to say hello to the organizer, and mentioned that I didn't realize everyone would only be here for an hour. "Well it started to rain really hard." People stood around and talked about their anger at our government, and the horrors of whats happening in Palestine, then left because they were cold and it was wet (was listening to conversations and goodbyes. I was wandering on my own, everyone else was with friends). I heard the organizer talking about how he just vacationed in Costa Rica and was going back, then going to some other vacation spot.

My husband was surprised when I came home basically right after I left. I am so deeply angry by how comfortable these people out here are. This is not the first time Ive complained about that, i grew up with a hard life, we came out here on an opportunity, so I wouldnt off myself in the bad situation we had been in, and with his mother's help where she could (he grew up here). Ive never felt comfortable here because these people are living in a different world than I do, and even people who are just normal people and not some rich asshole look at me weird when I say stuff that I consider perfectly normal given where i grew up/class level. You're so angry over this, over the pain the people of Palestine are going through, that you go through the effort of organizing an event, and you stand around and talk about your "anger," and then you LEAVE after an hour because it's a little cold (warmest day we've had in weeks) and it's raining, which was forecasted and you could prepare for???

I havent calmed down. I cant go back to sleep cuz I already took my adderall which i need to stay awake on any regular day with that sleep disorder. I went ready for a fight, I wasnt expecting one but I was prepared, and expected at least a little energy from the group. But nothing. You accomplished nothing but making yourselves feel better.

I wish I could do more. I wish I had money to donate. I wish I had the ability to go physically support activist movement. All just like I wish I could during the summer of 2020. Im constantly torn between recognizing my position and suffering as valid and not a reason to beat myself up for not being able to do more, and feeling like I'm not doing enough and it's just excuses. But I just... cant fucking believe everyone I saw today. I mean yeah, i believe it, i know, i knew, but im just still furious. This is why we're in this fucking position people.

[peri]

suicide tw a little later in the post, kinda heavy, kinda long. sorry i just need to talk about this

i was on youtube yesterday while trying to calm down from spiraling, and before i could find a video i wanted to put on, a 9 year old video my brother posted popped up. it didnt have any more than 10 views. knowing it'd be bittersweet, i clicked.

i was in 90% of the videos he posted. we'd be playing everything together. gaming videos, of course, if you dont know my brother, he's a gamer first person second. but in a well-adjusted way lol. he's like, really good at every game he plays and can beat them really quickly.

on one hand, it was really weird seeing my old self, even in video games. my typing style, the name i used, my character styles, etc. on the other, seeing my brother, young and so close to me, typing slow, awkward... it made me smile.

he and i used to be really close. we'd do everything together. he ... looked up to me. he talked to me. these days we've drifted. we don't ever text unless its a birthday, and then its just to say happy birthday, no conversation. i don't think we've had an actual conversation since i left. but even before then, the last time we really talked was when i was heavily suicidal and opened up about that to him finally. this was in late 2019, i believe.

he was caring, understanding, said he's struggled with it himself in the past, told me everything. and he said he would always be there for me.

it.. broke my heart, one night. we were all drinking, and he ended up getting emotional but none of us knew why. until eventually he started crying and just calling my name over and over. "oh, [deadname].... [name], [name], [name].... [name]! [name]! [name]!" it ripped my heart out, and just recalling it is painful. i knew exactly why he called my name. he was scared. he thought i was going to kill myself, and soon. and to be fair, at that point, i thought i was going to as well. i didn't tell him that, but he knew.

i'm crying lol. no one else ever knew why he did that. but i did. he was drunk out of his mind, so i ended up walking him back to his room and putting him to bed. he made me sit on his bed until he fell asleep. he fell asleep fairly quick, as he was very drunk and out of it. but he didnt want me to leave his side, so i stayed a little longer anyways.

that was the last time we were ever truly close. i wonder if he remembers that.

during my visit back to texas last year, i asked if he was mad at me. if he was ever upset that i left. he said no, he would never hold that against me. which was nice. but it did mean that the reason we drifted was just... for nothing. i mean, dont get me wrong, we'd been drifting for longer than that, the last few years i lived with him, he stayed alone in his room most of the time, and i never knew what to say. he's always been awkward, quiet, anxious, so talking wasnt easy. and i guess growing up made that feel impossible.

he eventually got a girlfriend, after years of me questioning if he was even into the idea of dating and romance at all lol, and she ended up living with us. im glad for her, coz she really turned his life around. but it did mean that i saw him even less. he was occupied with her.

theyre still together btw. his first ever relationship and its been years. good for him.

but anyways... i guess all of this just to say i miss him. i never thought we'd drift. it's hard to think about. hard to acknowledge.

looking back at those old youtube videos made me face that again. he was so young. so happy. so enthusiastic.

he had no idea what would happen.

[snaileo]

gonna write this post to reflect upon things before the year ends - it will be long

i dont know how to start this - or how to even express my thoughts. but this year was hard - very hard and i wish i could remember what i was doing last year. last new years eve, but i cant remember. i wish i could tell my past self, that in a few days time, you would learn that your mom's cancer came back and then 8 months after that, on the dot, she'd pass away. obviously i cant. this last month has been especially hard, not that i was excited for christmas anyway, but it was my first one without her. one thing id do every year is check everyday for xmas music to come on the radio, which i did excitedly??? this year, and on nov 10th, it started and my excitement was cut abruptly when i realized i was alone in the apartment, without her to exclaim it too. it hit me all over again. its so hard to go into her room even though i have too bc the washer and dryer are in that particular closet, and it still feels like shes there. its eerie. its hard for me to associate this absence of her with being gone because this is just what her room looked like when she kept having week long hospital stays every month since may - so it was no different right? but i gotta keep telling myself that it is, that shes not coming home. Well she *is* home but not how I knew her.

both my dad and i felt this time was different, long before the complications began. i remember having that conversation with him, anxiety gripping every part of my being, something just felt different about all this - and it wasnt until months later that our fears would be confirmed. one of the things i struggle with most is guilt. feeling like i couldve done more, that i shouldve done more, that i was her caretaker and she died - i feel like i let her down, i feel like maybe if i had done this or that, it would be different, that she would still be here. i try to tell myself i did all i could but its difficult. i simply feel like i failed. i failed her. she deserved better than what she got -

she had seemed so invincible to me, with all that she had survived in her life, the way she carried herself with each thing she overcame - but in that final week, the one she spent in the ICU till she passed - i saw her slowly break down, her body slowly give in - i was really hoping she would Bounce Back, like she always did, so many close calls in her life, but she always came back - i was anticipating the next week when she would be out of the ICU, back at the apartment, talking about how she survived yet again -- but that didnt happen.

i completely broke after her passing, and had a solid month of feeling, disassociated from myself - deep within an existential crisis and grief - really truly grappling with what death is - and it took a while to realign myself. im still not okay - but im better than i was then. im still very lonely. the amount i spoke to my mom, daily, was something i never even realized until after she passed. i cant talk to my dad the way i talked to her - she had a near photographic memory and could recount stories and tell them in such an engaging way that i hate that i do not have a single fucking recording of her telling any story. that i no longer will hear her recount her life to me, tell me as if it happened yesterday.

im finding new things everyday that i didnt even realize i'll miss.

she believed in an afterlife, in spirits and heaven, and i hope, for the sake of the terrible hand she was dealt, that there is an afterlife, that she gets the happiness and peace she deserved. i found a lot of comfort in reading people's stories about seeing deceased loved ones in dreams, ones that feel like a visit, whether or not theyre truly a visit or just what the heart needed - it was comforting. one thing i didnt foresee was how painful the dreams she appears in would be. how painful to see her or hear her, or just knowing shes there - and then i wake up. reality hits. one odd thing to note is the first time i had dreamt about her after her passing, i wasnt allowed to look at her, i knew she was there, somewhat in my peripheral but there was a voice telling me "do not look at her, dont look at her" it was a strange feeling, it was so vivid. most of my dreams now that consist of her are typical dreams, tho a portion of them have me baffled that shes even there and i try to ask her How??? i thought you were dead, and she would come up with some excuse or some way how she survived. its a strange feeling. dreams are strange.

realizing this is getting too long. if you stuck with reading this whole post thank you i guess. this was meant for me to vent and reflect. especially since my mom was born in the year of the dragon, and 2024 will be the year of the dragon.i dont know how to end this post.

[zhuhongs]

hhhhh so im on a ridiculously long ride home and just my phone so tumblr diary entry time lol. if you have my instagram this will make more sense but yk. anyways. so yesterday was the last day of the semester and i was tbh pretty normal abt it. but leading up to it i was a mess and tbh i think my stomach issues actually came more from the stress of knowing im leaving but the alcohol seemed plausible enough an explanation so i ran with it. but nah i was just. hhhh overwhelmed. bc anytime i was out with ppl it disappeared and as soon i was alone and not busy i was like. oh theres the stomach pain. LOL. but yea. so i decided my going away present to everyone would be a drawing of them plus a message bc like. i always said i liked art but never rlly showed my classmates my art so i was like. welp lets go out with a bang. and it felt good bc i really wanted to do smth like this sooner. my initial plan to make a good impression was to print stickers of my art and put my IG on it and get close to ppl that way. but i was just far too stressed and thought itd be weird. so i just. Didnt. and i regret not putting in enough effort at the beginning. but i also feel like its okay, especially given my upbringing. i needed that time to myself to figure it out, and now i really know that i can just. talk to ppl. and not be afraid. bc the ppl i got closest to were the one i swore would judge me most bc of my own preconceived notions, but i told the the parts of me i hid the most and they accepted it. and could at least sympathize and actually relate and i just. why was i so silly. why was i so mean to myself to be convinced that i was so unacceptable that no one except for those who already knew me could accept me and enjoy my presence? i was so silly. i wont do that again, but if i do, it will still be easier than doing it this time bc I'll recognize the patterns and quickly snap out of it.

in a way, i really do feel like i needed all this time alone to process myself and rlly look myself in the eye and recognize the ways ive lived that i can just stop doing now that i have the freedom to be free of my past. and part of me feels like I'm saying that as copium bc i didnt connect sooner and i possibly could have also had a better time with others and still have come to realize the same things and more through the help and company of others. but i also know that i cant live life always thinking so much. so i just need to live and let the regrets be what they are, and move forwards. but the regrets do indeed linger. like i made the decision not to stay in taiwan. bc of well A. money and B. i felt like if i had more time I'd just fucking waste it like i wasted the first 4 months. i might as well force myself into a corner and see if that would make me do things i was too scared to do otherwise. and like, it worked! i did say fuck it and rlly just let loose bc i was gonna leave but now its worked too well. and like i wish soooo bad that i had those 3 months to fully enjoy every chance working out. Part of me says that its best to leave with that hope. rather than have taken that chance and it fizzled out. the thing keeping me from extending the most was honestly knowing I'd have my birthday there. and i could not take the possibility of spending my birthday alone... i legit couldnt stomach it. in the past i used to spend every bday alone but in recent years ive had a mazing friends that actually made my bday special and i just. I'm so used to having that day be nice that i really couldnt take the possibility of it being awkward. but now i realize that it wouldn't have been like that. it couldve been wonderful. but thats okay, in another life. or maybe a few years. who knows. im considering doing smth like this again in like 2 years after I've worked a bit. i have nothing but time. but man. sometimes i just wonder yk.

and last night i had a rlly good one on one talk with my classmate and that was amazing, but i got home and checked IG like a dumbass and say another group of classmates partying til 3am and i was like.... man i should've done that. but like, logically no. i had a great night regardless and i partied with those classmates last week. ive had my fill, and i had things to do today that i needed to be coherent for. but i couldn't help but thinking what if. and i know its not so easy to kill that voice inside my head. its always gonna be there. its not just me, thats the devil of SNS like instagram. bc you see the best parts of everyone's lives at all times and feel like you're missing out but you're not. you only see a sliver of what it really was..but yea. its okay. I'm still so very young. and i just need to treasure now and take whatever chances i get to nourish the connections i have right now and put yourself out there to make new ones when the chances arise. its okay, there is not life that can be lived without saying goodbye. but damn, yesterday at the school gates two of my classmates hit me with the さよなら and that. man i felt it in that moment. theres so much i wish i couldve said in all that time we had to spend together but i just held my tongue bc i was scared. but this was really playing social interaction on hard mode, like the cultural differences, the language barrier, the introversion, the fact it was my first time on my own fr, just, there were soooo many factors working against me specifically. and fuck man, i still did it. and i am still so young, i really can do whatever i want. it feels so weird. ive only been here 6 months but in a way it feels like this is how its always been. like the fact that im going home feels so strange. like i havent been there in years, i honestly cant fully grasp that im gonna be in a place where i speak the language fluently and am fully aware and familiar with my surroundings. like, why does that feel so odd. it does, i legit dont even know how to feel besides strange. i just have a strange pit in my stomach. but its okay. it will pass as everything does. but these days will always live on inside me as everything does. even if i can't fully recall it. so i just have to keep going as always. god. life is trippy man. but yea. Yea. thats it. i think

[honeyblve]

i had a huge milestone happen yesterday in my health journey and i wanted to vent and document it for myself, kind of like a journal entry, because this is the end of a chapter and beginning of another for me. its kind of a selfish post that nobody else will probably care about but i think it will be nice to have to look back on. im not sure if adding trigger warnings to this post is needed but im going to add them just incase anyone takes the time to read this if you do read this i appreciate it sm.

tw: injury, mistreatment from doctors, mental health issues, su*cide

for the past year ive been dealing with a serious back injury that has wreaked havoc on my life. i had to quit my job and was basically bed ridden for months. its effected my mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing in such a horrible and traumatic way. i've seen numerous doctors and tried multiple types of possible solutions with no resolve in my pain, been rejected by a doctor for surgery due to my body type (dont even get me started on that bs. it was fully a him problem and not a me problem), and essentially lost all quality of life. at one point i was so exhausted and overstimulated from all the pain that i didnt see any point in living if the rest of my life was going to be consumed with an unimaginable and unbearable amount of pain. i spent many nights crying myself to sleep, feeling very isolated and alone, taking insane amounts of medicine for a small amount of relief, unable to rest due to pain, and missed out on some very important moments in my life and others around me lives as well. i graduated college earlier this year after 5 years of working full time, going to college full time, and dealing with health issues on top of it and was unable to walk across the stage and celebrate my hard work all because of this injury. i bottled up a lot of the stress and sadness i was experiencing because i didnt want to add another thing on to the list of problems to figure out for myself or my family. which in turn caused me to start having major issues with anxiety and depression. a year in my life that was meant for growth, transition, and finding my footing as a proper adult was completely overtaken. to say it was a hard year is such an understatement but truly the only way i can really put it.

yesterday, i saw a new specialist and was finally approved for surgery after being turned down by another specialist back in september ‘22. a surgery that takes 45 minutes and will almost instantly relieve any pain im experiencing. a surgery that i was told would usually be suggested 6 weeks into experiencing symptoms a year and two months after i started experiencing symptoms. for the first time i was shown my mri results that i had done 9 months ago and explained just how severe the injury in my back is. my jaw was on the floor at how horrible it was. i could finally understand what was happening inside my body. it helped my brain justify everything that ive been experiencing and proved to myself that i wasnt crazy. when i was asked if i wanted to move forward with the surgery it was the first time that i felt like i wasnt just being observed and passed along for someone else to make the decision for me. i finally felt like i was given the opportunity to speak for myself and make a decision for my own body. i wasnt seen based only on my outer appearance or a number on a scale. i was seen as a human being who is experiencing pain 24/7 for over 400 days and needed help. finally my advocacy for myself worked and a doctor is on my side. when he left the room i immediately started sobbing and felt like i could breathe for the first time in what felt like forever.

looking back i think in many ways this year was meant for internal growth. there were a lot of things i had to learn about myself and begin to change. either through therapy or by opening up to family and friends. so even though it was not necessarily growth in the literal world, i grew up a lot within myself. for some reason in all of my circumstances i always feel the need to learn something. maybe its just blind optimism. whatever it is though it helps me put one foot in front of the other. what i learned through all of this is valuing myself and knowing my self worth. i learned how to advocate for myself and not take no for an answer. i learned how strong i am in multiple areas of my life. but i also learned how to accept help and know that i cant do everything by myself. and that doesnt mean that i'm weak.

if anyone reads this i hope that you know its so important to learn to advocate for your wellbeing and dont allow anyone to mistreat you, use you, or demand that you meet their expectations before being treated as a human being. its okay to take a step back and take care of yourself. and when it comes to doctors and medicine, trust. your. body. it knows when something is wrong. doctors are just people and sometimes dont know wtf theyre talking about. they are not all-knowing deities. they dont live in your body. not agreeing with them is not against the law. it is okay to seek out care from someone else. and if you feel stuck with someone who is not listening to you or who doesnt see you as a human being, there are doctors out there that truly love what they do and want to help you. they dont see you as a statistic or a box to check off on a long list of things to do for the day. they truly want to see you thrive and be healthy. sometimes it just takes a little work to find them.

anyways this was much longer than i expected it to be. if you read this far down i am so grateful that you took some time to read this post. it means a lot. and if future me reads this, i hope i've continued to learn how to value myself in all circumstances and not take any of lifes bs.

[kael-writ]

CW: sexual violence and medical trauma

yknow, I wanted so badly to be able to entirely blame myself for bolting from the gyny yesterday. If it was just a problem with me, I can have total control of it.

but I dont think the way they handled it was ok. I had a crying panic attack about a vaginal exam and said "well it seems like I dont have a choice". They also knew I hadnt been to a gyny in 20 years. I barely looked at them. I hugged my body. It was really obvious I was very uncomfortable and scared and upset.

I think it would have helped a lot if they had done things to help me trust them - like say it was my choice, I could take breaks if I needed, and talked more about the procedure. Talked to me more about making me comfortable.

Also, I dont know that this procedure even WAS necessary when they were just "seeing for themselves" what the ER had already found.

Instead they just kinda said, we need to do this, and not much else- and then with two complete strangers staring at me, ordered me to undress from the waist down. Just like that, right there in front of them. They couldnt offer me a gown, to undress in private, or something? My last gyny was that long ago but I swear that's what she did then.

I panicked and bolted. And yes, I could have acted differently. Im not saying I dont have ANY responsibility or way to make the situation better. Im just saying, I think gynys ought to change how they deal with people who may be severely uncomfortable.

After talking to two female friends, BOTH of them mentioned feeling panic of the gyny. I bet this is really common, especially with young people.

When I was in the ER, and at Planned Parenthood, they did a lot more to make me comfortable and feel safe. I refused a pelvic at PP, and the lady did just kinda assume I was having a pelvic instead of asking, but they didnt push me to do it.

In the ER they presented it as my choice, they talked about taking breaks, they talked me through it, they offered breaks, they offered aftercare when I was crying and working on my breathing to prevent a panic attack. I felt safe, understood, and respected.

I was supposed to get my surgery from that hospital, where I had built trust, that week, and then insurance got declined. And that made me have to start all over. And this is hard.

It hurt to have to feel like I am not allowed access to a great care team because Im too poor, and being poor in part because of medical disabilities that include mental and physical chronic illness. What a sick joke. American healthcare.

I didnt even really go through any major sexual trauma, nothing that happened to me in terms of actual sex was even entirely non-consensual, just kinda not having my full consent fully respected the whole time and stuff like that. And stuff like getting groped at parties or whatever, frankly really normal stuff. I also do have some history of being mistreated by medical people in the past, mostly due to being queer and mentally ill. but nothing really major. I cant imagine what this would be like for someone who had survived something much more extreme. 

The last person I trusted with my body I knew for a year, and he scared me very badly (trigger warning for this, but - he expressed a fantasy of killing me, during sex, out of nowhere. /TW). So why should I trust a woman I JUST met?

I want to survive, I dont want to suffer, I dont wanna get more disabled, I dont wanna lose my job. I am worried and scared, sad, exhausted, ashamed, lots of big feelings, I need help and support, and it falls on me to do this. I have therapy in a few hours, and I will come up with a plan. but I would like to not be the only one who learns from my experience. I would like some doctor somewhere to hear my story some day and learn.

[autistic-ace-bee]

ask game: 13 23 31 34 37 ! pick whichever ones u want asgdfg

13: what are three things you did today?

I did the washing, I played valorant, and i did some pushups! I didnt really do much today on account of accidentally skipping school asdllsad

23: how have you felt today?

I've felt somewhat anxious today, waiting to get told off for skipping school but that never happened lol. I didnt get nauseous today! :D well actually i did but i think it was because i hadnt eaten yet and once i ate i was fine oh no wait that was yesterday askdkdk

31: what were you doing an hour ago?

i was playing valorant with my cousin! also i think i was messaging you. i was kind of going back and forth between messaging you and playing asdkasdk i was like i am dying but talking to you is more important askdks

34: are you a patient person?

not at all. I hate waiting, and it makes me anxious. So at least, I'm not patient in the sense that I don't like waiting in lines, or waiting for my turn to use the kitchen, or the shower, my turn in a game, or whatever it is I want to do. But with people I'm patient. Like if someone's talking to me about a problem or something I'm patient. But if it's not serious I do tend to try to hasten people and finish their sentences for them asdkasd so yeah, no, im very much not a patient person askdsk

37: did you have a dream last night?

yes and my god it was a wild one. i dont really remember anymore but im pretty sure people died. wait. i was forced to do something. i dont remember what but it was weird lol. i remember i woke up and messaged my cousin "bro i just had the weirdest effing dream" but never elaborated lol

and bonus! im putting a readmore bc it got pretty long and also personal which i dont mind lol but also wooooh mystery >:O

01: tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?

honestly, I'm not entirely sure what made me start liking you! I guess its just because you were so easy and so fun to talk to. I love talking to people, but honestly its a lot of effort for me a lot of the time. The only people im really comfortable holding a conversation with at length are you, my cousin and my sister. and i felt that way with you after only a few interactions! i just found you so interesting and cute and sweet and kind and funny and awesome and just you are so great to talk to and we always have a good time together!

i remember like, it was the second week i had known you and i was in the middle of a soccer game and i just couldnt stop messaging you. my coach called me off the pitch and i just immediately grabbed my phone and started texting you because i just so much wanted to talk to you!

and one of my happiest memories is that day i had my first job interview, but its because that day was the first time we played 20 questions, and it was sunny and warm and we ended up talking for like 4 hours and it was just so much fun and i felt so happy and so present and i took photos to show you because i thought, yeah im comfortable with you, i want to show you! i love you and im comfortable being vulnerable and open with you.

that comfort being vulnerable with you was still a little thing then, and now im a lot more comfortable! like yesterday i had a therapy session and i ended up mentioning you because i was like. i know its stupid (in the sense of the immensity of my feelings about it) but not getting to go to that party really upset me and left me feeling pretty depressed for the rest of the week, to the point where i kind of basically wrote like a really long kind-of-poem journal entry where basically i more or less just listed all the things i hated about myself, but i was also like, if you like me there must be something worth liking askdkasdk anyway once i vented i was like okay thats out there whoo and then i messaged you looking for comfort and you were great and i felt so much better and my little depressive episode was over!

and i dont think thats ever really happened before. or like, not so quickly?? like usually when i end up that upset, i usually just cry and sleep. but this time i cried and then i was happy, because i got to speak to you and idk chemical shit in my brain go brrr happy chemicals <3333 and yeah in any case. you make me happy and thats why i love you <33

i originally wrote this as one long block of text but i went back and put as many line breaks as i could bc i know adhd brain is shit at reading long paragraphs askdkasda

[pinnithin]

work got me down as usual so i gotta ramble

a master sergeant who works in my flight apologized to me yesterday for something i didnt even take offense to. long story but its annual award season so a lot of our time right now is spent workshopping the award packages from our squadron so they'll be competitive at the wing level. and this guy wrote one for an airman who'd done really well this year, but due to a misunderstanding it looked like he'd plagiarized the previous year's, and we discovered this in the middle of the meeting in front of the other flights and it just kinda made us look dickish.

anyway, i didn't really care, because i didnt do it. felt bad for the airman but she'd earned a pretty significant early promotion like a week prior so it was probably fine if the award got tossed (it didnt - they let us rework and resubmit it). but in the end nobody died, nobody got hurt, whatever. it wasted like 3 hours of everyone's time but we're salaried so its not that big of a deal. the master sergeant in question was not present at this meeting to defend himself, but my superintendent called him to give him a piece of his mind because he made us look like assholes in front of the other flights. i didnt get into it because i didnt really care.

this week rolls around, the guy catches me to apologize and explain that it was a mistake and he thought he was copying valid bullets from past awards (common practice - theres only so many ways you can explain that a guy inventoried a warehouse real good). he told me he felt like shit all weekend because of it and he dreaded coming to work this week after "putting us through that" in front of the squadron. and i was like, man. thats a really small silly thing to feel like shit over.

and i was all "man its okay, they let us resubmit it, mistakes happen, nobody got hurt etc etc" and he was like no but you still had to defend your reputations in front of the other flights and my mistake put you in that situation and i was like, really? thats what youre upset about? MY reputation? you realize i dont care what any of these people think about me, right? and i didn't even make the mistake - that was you! and if people think im a jackass because one of my guys made a mistake that was easily fixable then thats their problem. there are way more important things to worry about.

he looked relieved and then got really quiet and was like, how are you like that?

like what?

how do you just let this stuff go all the time? i beat myself up all weekend over this and youre just... fine about it?

this isn't the first time someones asked me this, albeit more casually like "youre so chill LT i wish i was as chill as you" yknow but he seemed like genuinely concerned and i had to pause for a second before being like. therapy? its therapy. im like this because im in therapy.

i mean its also the constant exhaustion and being jaded and desensitized to this hellish war machine, but i can cope a hell of a lot better with it. i have to actively work at it to maintain a healthy mindset or ill go berserk. this is not my natural state i had to build this.

this guy is ten years older than me, has been in the air force for, i wanna say 13 years? crippled with anxiety and guilt over, what, embarrassing (not really) his boss? i just felt so fucking bad for him.

and theres so many people here who are like him, who hold themselves to these impossible standards because of the weird mind games this brutal industry puts everyone through. i have met more people with work induced neuroses in the three years here than ive ever seen anywhere else in my life, and im sure i have a collection of my own that im blind to as well. this job is merciless and will grind you into dust with no remorse if it means making the jets fly faster.

like, duh, its the military, what did you expect. obviously working for the business that kills people will mess you up. but it still sucks, right? ive met really good people here who have been irreparably damaged in their service and they wont even get help because theyre too afraid to damage their career in the job that hurt them in the first place. it sucks. it sucks to see.

not just people who've been here a long time, literally everyone i know here deals with some kind of trauma (mild though it may be for some of the newer kids, youre still getting shipped away from your family and everything you know for a job you might not even like, in a cruel profession, and thatll upset anyone just a little at least). i know people who've been here 3 months who are like this is the lowest ive ever felt. i know people who are 3 months from retirement who are like i put my life into this job and all it did was chew me up and spit me out.

once again. military. it should be obvious. i can still be sad about it though i think. maybe nobody whos a good person voluntarily joins the military, so maybe we all kind of deserve it, but i think we're still allowed to be kind of upset about it.

i have one year left. i have complicated feelings about it. ive also been irreparably damaged here, but at the same time im at the point where i really like the person i am and i would not be that person without having to go through the fucking pits of hell in this shitty ass job. i know part of it is because of my own efforts to unfuck myself after i got horribly fucked over and had a nervous breakdown in mid 2021, but now i kind of have that point of reference to ground me? like anything i do from now on has never been as hard as that part of my life was. and i dont think i would have taken therapy and recovery as seriously if i wasn't dealing with ptsd. so i dunno.

im not sure where im going with this its just like. fuck this place. fuck this fucking job. i only care about the people ive met here and i feel like im abandoning them by getting out next year, but if i stay inside a burning house i'll die too yknow

[klonoadoortophantomile]

this ended up super long but i still wanna share cuz why not so uh putting it under a readmore. sorry in advance (its just some rambling abt an animation thingy im making)

actually though speaking of that animation i didnt even expect myself to like actually start it yesterday but i just.. kept making progress XD

probably had smthn to w me trying a completely different process from what ive normally done for like.. pretty much as long as i have been animating now that i think abt it

normally i just make them in chronological order which is Not a very good idea but i was always super intimidated by the idea of blocking things out beforehand for some reason so i always just drew things as i went along and hoped i remembered what my plan even was (never animated much long stuff so this wasnt too big of an issue for the most part which probably contributed to me sticking to that approach for so long) but with this one i kinda wanted to draw finalized stuff in an actual art program (for most of my life ive only ever animated on fucking. scratch. cuz i started doing map parts n stuff as a kid on there and now its kinda the only thing that makes sense to my brain.. more recently ive used ibispaints animation thing but really only for short loops.. i hate doing big stuff in strict frame by frame it drives me crazy) so i kinda avoided working on it for a while after i got the idea but yesterday on a whim i decided to open up turbowarp nd like super roughly sketch the Basic Idea of what i wanted it to be and then i started coding in the timing and i kept adding frames and now i have a nearly complete skeleton of the animation if that makes sense..

on the one hand it feels so cool cuz i have so much actually just. done. and the concept is much more solidified. ive made a lot of progress. but on the other hand.. my coding skills kinda suck and i skipped over two little segments cuz im still figuring out exactly what visuals i wanna have so now im worried my timing will get messed up when i add that in (i think the way i have it organized is okayish especially in comparison to what ive done in the past but it still isnt great) but then also.. i feel like it just wont turn out very good idk. like in all honesty this is one of the more ambitious animations ive tried doing in YEARS that ive actually made decent progress on but even then i still have so much left.. some of my sketched out stuff turned out weirdly really good nd im worried itll be lost when i actually draw things out properly and then on the flipside some of it is super jank in a way i cant totally tell of the frames just dont flow well or if i timed it out poorly (i dont use actual framerates its awful i just tweak the wait time between frames until it looks good) oh god okay this is getting stupidly long uh ill just cut this off here i dont really know what else to say now XD maybe ill actually go work on the damn thing

[irregulardiaryposts]

20:40 07/03/2024

okay wow well its been well over two years since i updated this 'diary' blog lol

so weird seeing all those old posts about being a teenager with existential thoughts lol i dont really think like that anymore, at least not so much. i guess an update is in order then lmao okay so im in my 3rd year of uni now and im doing my year abroad! doing it in a small city in spain and i really quite like my job, ive only got 14hrs, i have a 3 day weekend, the city is small so i can walk everywhere and this job really gives me a sense of purpose that ive been missing in my life. makes me really realise that university is NOT for me lmfao i was so depressed during my second year i probs went to like 20% of my classes loool. im pretty sure i mightve almost failed aswell but since the professors were doing a marking boycott they released grades without marking the final exam and so since i was already doing well enough in all my classes i passed! quite lucky i think cos i wouldve been so entirely embarrassed and ashamed if i had to repeat a year cos of mental health. i think things are better here tho my issues havent disappeard completely like eg i have these evening classes 6-7.40pm tuesdays and thursdays and for the past like month i havent attended :/ at first it was cos i was sick (i think it was covid lol either from glasgow or on the plane back idk) and then i just didnt go back to class. i think my main excuse is that that is dinner time for me and i dont wanna move dinner time lol. but also i think the class itself is just not for me i dont feel like i learn a whoooole lot while im there and learning on apps is easier for me? but i always felt better for going to the classes cos i was like ha! im not depressed would a depressed person do this!? but of course depression doesnt work like that and i think i need medicated ! but that seems too scary to say. but at least i found someone to do a language exchange with! ive only had one hour with her in spanish, which was yesterday, but i already feel like ive improved lmaooo like i literally dreamt last night in a mix of spanish and english ahahahah cos when i think about it i literally have not ever regularly spoken spanish, ive only really spoken for activies in class or speaking exams so no wonder i have 0000 confidence in my speaking abilities but im hopeful that this will really improve my speaking :) about my job i guess- i work in a high school and i really enjoy interacting with the kids they really do make every day different and more interesting so i am grateful for them but sometimes damnnn sometimes i wanna jump out the window especially with this third year class they are the class KNOWN for being a bitof a pain lol and sometimes i have to lead the class by myself lmaooo mid u ik im 20 but i dont look it and they certainly dont treat me like an adult or a teacher and ngl they are a bit disrespectful at times but also what are u gonna do they are 14 and i have no proper teaching experience to help them by myself i can only hope that im actuallt helping them learn english lol. it is quite difficult tho with my scottish accent to try and sound as clear as possible because i pronounce almost 100% of the vowel sounds differently than rp english which is what i think they are used to so i have to realllyyyy annunciate all my words and man is it tiring lol.

what else. im going to madrid this weekend with bestie and im really looking forward to having a relaxing and fun time but i still havent packed my bags looooooool i alwyas do this tho and its fine not a big deal at all but i def need to do it tonight cos im leaving tomorrow immediately after work so ill have to have an actual breakfast and take snacks with me. im really enjoying my time in spain or at least im trying to but i feel like i have pushed myself enough out my comfort zone to be able to look back on this and say yeah i really took advantage of that. like i think i need to be more personable (is that a word yes it is i used it right) in teaching and be more interactive with them and stuff also i feel like i shoulve arranged a language exchange sooner cos i think this will really help, and i need to interact more with the other assistant but the thing is is im just not a sociable personnnnnnn aghgh. any way cutting this short cos i need to pack my bags for my trupppppp

[lavand4punk]

So yesterday after a month and a week since i started the x files i finished watching all 9 seasons. Many thoughts, but above all right now im feeling kinda empty, the final season was so tragic lol. I still have the second movie and the later seasons/spinoff(?), 10 and 11. I think i’m going to take a break if i can though, just a couple of weeks till i come back from my trip. Well this is me just rumbling, but i needed to write something and im still im not looking into any x files content bcause i dont wanna get spoiled (i dont know how i didnt spoil myself anything considering the years it has). anyways Mulder Scully i miss youuu

[shoeshoesho]

1/1/24

i was so sad after new years today. and i really dont know why. I let out a good cry and i really couldnt stop crying. I think i was angry. I was mad at tyler. And come to realize it ive been mad at him for a long time. I just dont know why. I think i do but it doesnt seem to make anything better.

I was upset yesterday because we went to this party that had nothing going on and we didnt know anyone and quite honestly i was bored. At some point i thought we should do something else but he didnt want to. But when i really think about it im not upset about these strangers we met randomly for some dumb new years party. I actually dont care. I was mad everyone all week since i worked for all of christmas. I was tired. I was going everywhere. I had a moment before we went to his parents house when he said we were sleeping over- i literally yet out a small yell in pure frustration.

I feel like ive been running on nothing for the holidays. giving everyone everything. Had an decent thanksgiving- tyler had a horrible one and i felt like i owed him somehow. Somwhere in that "owe" it attributed to some horrific holiday following that for me. Mostly accounted to working so much/working early and not sleeping enough. I just feel like ive been faking it for so long. Faking how things are going. Trying to give him a good holiday and everyone else.

Truth be told we have been fighting since we got engaged. Well, since i started wedding planning actually. not after engagement. It has nothingto do with us getting together but everything to do with how well we work together when im stressed. We have never been good together when I am stressed. We have never communicated well. And it shows during the planning and discussing. You seee clearly we are different people, different places.

I dont know how to bring this up. but me crying on new years day by myself is a red flag. I was so mad that we slept at bryans and had breakfast there. I honestly cant tell you why cause looking back at it now it was cute and it didnt take that long. It was nice. But why was i so upset?

I started frantically cleaning. and i began to be angry at him. i was angry that he didnt think to wash the big pot in the sink. That i was washing every fucking blanket and towel in the guest room. Why was i doing this? I was mad that i was basically his maid. I was mad that he didnt think maybe he should help me out.

I felt like i didnt actually do what i wanted to do. this is what i always do. I felt like i was loosing my identity. I felt like i was taken for granted.

(next morning)

i dont know why i was so upset. It has dissapeared like a wind. But i really need to know what i was that upset me. maybe a breaking point? Maybe i am unhappy? Im not too sure