#i didnt read a lot of books this year but i am happy i got through what I did

[earthenterran]

Hey Terran! What were some of your favorite books you read this year 👀

Of the books I actually finished all the way through: Fifteen Hundred Miles from the Sun BY Jonny Garza Villa

^This was probably my favorite. It's a story about a long distance realtionships between two guys as they finish up highschool. It's got a good mix of conflict, it's fun, there are painful parts (there is homophobia but also a very good support system), and it's probably one of the fastest books I read through. I know the author has another book (Ander and Santi Were Here) that I definitely want to read as well when it comes out next year! I also enjoyed Parasite BY Darcy Coates. I went in knowing it was horror, and wanting to try that. It was a good dip in the genre I think.

Lastly, that I'm Glad My Mom Died book by Jennette McCurdy, she's a solid writer, and I enjoyed how she told her story. (I also reread Gideon the Ninth and enjoyed that)

OF THE STUFF I STARTED BUT HAVEN'T FINISHED: The Order of Time by Carlo Rovelli Rovelli approaches the concepts of time from both a scientific and philosophical approach, and it made the topic a lot more digestible to me that other science books I've attempted to read in the past. Sabriel by Garth Nix Okay, tbf I'm not super far into it, I've only started this recently, but it was recommeded by one of my best friends as its his favorite series but it gives me nostalgic to the books I read when I was younger, and the imagery is really good so far. I'm so eager to see where this story takes me, I already know I'm going to enjoy the rest of it.

I'm definitely excited to read more with the upcoming year, I have so many books I wanna get through. OH OH! Last thing. I did get to read the last volume of the Life is Strange graphic novel (been getting them by the volume, not the issue, so I had to wait until spring to read it) and... I've said it before but... oh, my heart. I will reread this story to the end of time, it healed my hurt from the game's... stuff. Didn't take it away tbc, but gave me new things to enjoy, new moments to love, and new characters to root for.

[t4transsexual]

when i was going through a rough breakup with someone who was very bad to me, i told my now-girlfriend (but at the time was just an instagram friend) that i had missed reading but developed depression at around 10-11 years old due to childhood abuse and bullying for being autistic and gender non conforming and since then havent picked up a book, but didnt know where to start. she then pushed me to go to the bookstore and pick out a book to read, and i read and finished that one (hell followed with us by andrew joseph white). recently i bought another book by the same author, "the spirit bares its teeth" that apparently has an st4t subplot which is very fitting for me, as well as the main character being an autistic trans man and coming from an abusive household, and ive never related so much to a character in a book it's unreal. representation is important and the first book was great but the main character wasnt autistic and i cant relate to a non autistic character. and shoutout to my girlfriend for getting me back into reading after all this time, shes a reader herself. im putting this on my t4t blog because we're trans people in love. heres a pic i took of me laying on her while she was reading (she moved her book out of frame)

its one of my favorite pictures with her, and she makes me so happy, and i really am happy. im glad she got me back into reading. i know transphobes who see my account will harrass us for being who we are publicly, but i also get a lot of trans people who are happy to see two trans people who love each other, and i just wanna remind yall that you can be really happy too, not in spite of your transness even, but as a direct result. the community ive been blessed to have as a trans person and the people ive met and have bonded with because im trans and we're trans have been so valueable and important to my happiness. this post is all over the place but if you take anything from it, its that you can be happy as a trans person and you should prioritize your community🏳️‍⚧️💜

[whovianshifts]

first shifting attempt !

(well, since my year long break)

as some of you may know, i really love reya singh's reprogramming the mind program. so, lets begin a few days before the attempt:

i identified that, whilst i believed in shifting, one of my beliefs was that shifting was difficult and that it was complicated. so i worked with that. and after trying to reset my views, i still didnt shift.

anti-climactic huh?

it's not that i didnt shift, actually. i had felt so much anticipation leading up to that day that i felt so anxious and drained that i just couldnt bring myself to. so the next day, before bed, i decided to *actually* shift.

at that point, whether my reprogramming worked or not wasnt my concern (which i suppose means that it did work, because i've stopped caring so much about the specifics of shifting). however, that night, i realised that, whilst ive become less obsessed, i couldnt let that make my shifting attempts half-arsed and lazy.

so, going back to the basics, i used a classic method: the julia method (i used the alinur one on spotify).

before you continue reading, i just want to make it clear: i didnt reach my dr. but i learned a lot, i found my footing again and if you're interested in the learning process, read ahead! it might help you fix things you've been struggling with too :)

anyway, as ive been meditating a little recently, it wasnt to hard to focus at first. compared to all the other years ive tried the julia method, this time, i concentrated with ease. i didnt have any scattered thoughts distracting me and i was able to quickly move on if they did start to show. for me, as someone who started shifting wondering how on earth i could shift if i couldnt control my simple thoughts, this was a huge win!! it might have taken a few years, but i am confident that i have already overcome all the big hurdles for myself and am on the right track.

concentrating is one thing; even last year, after a lot of meditation and yoga beforehand, i was eventually able to calm myself. with effort, i could achieve it. but visualisation? when i was younger, i was a very good visualiser. but, at some point, that all changed. i often found that my visualisations were out of my control, that for example, when i visualised a house, a tornado would suddenly appear and just destroy it. even when i did visualise, it was with a lot of mental strain and my visualisations ended up fuzzy anyway. i think, on a deeper level, it has something to do with my anxiety and my life - feeling like things are always out of my control.

so this time round, i was so happy to find my visualisations were stable. i went from being someone who thought she couldnt visualise at all, even thinking she had aphantasia to actually picturing all the prompts in the guided meditation and being able to focus on my dr. what helped me was definitely practicing visualisations during my reprogramming days - i found an image of my waking point (tigris snow's guest room, check out my other post!!), saved it to my phone and just stared at it. i visualised every detail as i went about my day - remembering little things i wanted to focus on (the blue wallpaper, the red shoes, the grimm's fairytale book, the golden bedframe). i started just by picturing the image, then slowly doing a general 360, even if was fuzzy at first before it got stronger and i had established my waking point. so when i was shifting, i could conjure these up easily.

(to anyone that struggles with visualisation - this is your sign!! dont give up! practice it! its a skill too!! you can do it and i promise, it really helps with shifting in the long run)

so, there i was. i'd gotten up to the bit in the meditation where it focused on conjuring up an object in your mind and sending it away and everything was good. but as soon as she moved on and asked for this to be applied to the dr/cr situation (send away what your cr touches and replace with dr), it was all moving too fast for me. i think this was one of the first things that threw me off - feeling out of control and suddenly unable to follow on. for me, this is when i started disconnecting. counting to 100, i had lost a bit of focus trying to catch up with myself and that didnt help.

furthermore, the counting to 100 thing freaks me out. personally, it makes me feel out of control. i would prefer if i could count to 100 myself, as, when the meditation reaches 100, i sort of feel like the method is over and that i should just start again yk? idk. maybe my issue is that i want control over something that is meant to be spiritually freeing? maybe i should allow myself to let go more. i will resolve to do that during tonight's shift then.

after that, i lost focus. even then, when i tried, i could see a light from my cr and forcing my eyes shut made me lose the flow.

overall, this shift was a 5.5/10 and the extra .5 because i, having written this blog post, realised how far i have come in the long run and so that def deserves credit. i felt few symptoms, though i know that this isnt necessarily a prerequisite of shifting, and i didnt really feel connected to my dr? as it was my first shift, however, i dont mind.

anyway resolutions for my future shifts:

meditate a little beforehand to allow myself to be more detached and let go of my anxieties. trust the process more. maybe use guided meditation as a relaxation technique (because as a meditation i liked it) rather than as a method.

things i want to try out:

shifting in the hypnagogic state - i usually set an alarm for like 4am and try the hypnopompic method - but i am going to try and just stay awake until i'm really sleepy. i find that i have the most trust in this method, as last year, i had many vivid dreams and close lucid dreams after trying this. in terms of a method, i might just affirm a little and trust the process.

on a side note, writing out all my shifting thoughts helps with finding direction instead of being caught up in my own confusion. would recommend.

anyway, happy shifting

tish :)

[youngestdaughtersyndrome]

Tagged by my darling @glassangels <3<3<3

1. Are you named after anyone? Im named after a kinks song which is a massive win for me personally. They almost named me rosa after the pixies album (which wouldve made sense bc we do in fact surf) but one of my moms friends was already knitting a sweater with the kinks-name on it and she convinced them to keep it. My middle name is also my paternal grandmas middle name so i guess that counts too

2. When was the last time you cried? No idea tbh. That thing where you lie down on your side and then your eyes start leaking happens to me a lot but a proper sadness-induced cry hasnt happened for months. I will say that sometimes i say something made me cry, and although it technically didnt due to no tears falling, it did make my soul hurt and crying is the closest phrase that expresses that <3

3. Do you have kids? Thank god no

4. What sports do you play/have you played? Soccer, ran track for a bit, ultimate frisbee, swimming, fencing, fighting (mma, kickboxing, cage, etc), equestrianism (im including my brief and unimpressive time vaulting here), did some stuff with a circus briefly (contortionism, aerial arts, lyra), and then the usual outdoorsy shit (surfing, bouldering, hiking, skiing, and since caving is technically a sport, caving). Also danced for a bit (ballet, contemporary, and jazz). Yeah man idk either

5. Do you use sarcasm? Technically yes but its less "sarcasm" and more "inability to express a truth about myself without making it into a joke". A bit of sarcasm when the time calls for it is always fair game though and i will indulge

6. What's the first thing you notice about someone? The way they carry themself says a lot about their temperament and emotional state and whatnot so thats typically where my eye is drawn. Second place goes to wherever theyre keeping their valuables on them and how expensively theyre dressed though

7. Eye color? Blue but ive got a bit of yellow central heterochromia so they tend to look green if its bright out

8. Scary movies or happy endings? Kill them <3 scary movies 4ever

9. Any talents? Party trick-wise i did retain some contortionist ability and so thats always a good one to break out. Also can spit water up to 30 ft for tooth gap reasons. I am the type of person whos just naturally good at a lot of things (sorry) so i consider that a talent too

10. Where were you born? The top left corner of the USA, not including alaska

11. Hobbies? Writing, journaling, watching movies, reading, various textile arts, going for walks, playing assorted instruments, and occasionally traditional art (im particularly fond of ballpoint pens and oil pastels). Would say listening to music but thats a job to me and i clock into that shit like i get paid

12. Any pets? Maeve the most anxious dog in the world who i love very much <3

13. Height? 5'8/172 cm

14. Favorite school subject? I was a school hater so it really depended on the teacher... in high school i did have the same teacher for like three years in a row (she taught me english in freshman year, history in sophomore, + health in junior) and she was totally awesome so all those classes were great. Typically the classes i had the most fun in were english and history just bc there was more room for fucking around. In the single semester of college i took i did have crazy amounts of fun in my film class though which i will say was mostly because my professor rocked and i got him on my side early so i could kind of do whatever

15. Dream job? Due to the Issues and also common sense mainly i just wish the government actually took care of people and i wouldnt need to work. But if i have to chose a job than itd be a) writing a book or two that are good enough i could live off the royalties and film rights and whatnot for the rest of my life or b) pulling an enya (dropping some widely beloved and largely incomprehensible music and then disappearing totally from the public eye to live in a castle in the middle of nowhere)

Idk whos already done this so ignore me if you have lol @supersonic1994 @nothingrhymedwithcircus @hauntedwoman @halogenstreetlight @evebabitzgf @serethereal and anyone else who wants to <3<3<3

[annot8]

Fools fate is done! And so am I!

(Spoilers and ramblings for Fools Fate below)

Forgive any typos, i am writing through tears :)

First things first, I am thick’s number one fan. I too would hate a long boat journey and would want only for dry land and pink sugar cakes. Despite everything else that was going on, i actually laughed out loud when fitz realised Thick had stayed on Asevjal and tricked everyone (including Chade). I hope they treat him well at Buckkeep, and that his life is simple and happy.

As for Chade - I have never been so frustrated with a character I once loved. I still love him but he makes it so difficult. The dynamic between him and fitz was such an interesting and infuriating thing to read. To realise that the wise, all-knowing, old man that had always guided you is actually just… some guy - crazy. I don’t trust Chade very much, and there were times in this story that I really hated him, but it’s hard not to see him through fitz’s eyes and forgive him. He does what he judges best, even when that thing is cruel and callous.

The fool broke me with every line. Seeing him waiting there for them all on Aslevjal was brilliant but I was surprised by how quickly he forgave fitz. Though, after Golden Fool, I was happy to see them get along.

Obviously, I know there are more books so I knew he wasn’t actually going to die (though I got less confident in that when he very much did die and was dead for quite some time). But seeing him so afraid of death was heartbreaking - especially when he put a brave face on for fitz. All the stuff with the pale woman was so so awful. Him literally being crucified before fitz, with his rooster crown placed mockingly on his head?? What am I supposed to do with that???

Fitz taking care of the fool after bringing him back healed something in me. It was so soft and gentle, and sad. I knew that somehow it would not last, and so I was not surprised when he told fitz he wasn’t coming with him. I know they will meet again, but still it was very sad.

As for Fitz… I think because it took me so long to read assassins apprentice, I will always see him as a little boy. And because of that, I will always make excuses for him, and love him. He is maybe my favourite character ever, in anything. I did not realise how much being forged had affected him, and was very happy to see him restored.

The ending felt a little quick, and everything was tied up maybe a little too neatly, but I still like it. I imagine that a lot of people probably didnt like the ending very much but I did.

I’ve learned that apparently people generally don’t like molly very much. I am here to make it clear that I am not one of those people!!! I love molly. I love that she is angry and difficult and stubborn. She was right to leave fitz all those years ago and she was right to accept Burrich’s love and help. Like with the fool, I was surprised she forgave fitz so quickly. But I am happy she did.

For me, I know that the fool is fitz’s great love. I know that they would be so happy together. But the fool ventures out and fitz goes to rest. Molly represents a normal, mundane, life, with love and children and simple pleasures. And I am glad that fitz, with all his memories restored to him, can enjoy a life such as that.

I love nettle for a lot of the same reasons I love her mother. And I love that it is Nettle’s Coterie. Her involvement was another thing I was mad at Chade for, for I had hoped nettle would never have to be sacrifice for the Farseers, but in the end, she needed to know who she was.

I expected to cry at this book, but not as much as I did. I mainly cried over burrich, who was always a favourite. I think, as readers, we latch on to him the same way fitz does in the beginning. I was hoping for a slightly more emotional reunion between him and fitz, but actually, the one we got was more in character. It was so good to have him back, but as soon as the stone dragon started charging towards swift, I knew what was going to happen. And despite how much I love the fool, I was a little disappointed in fitz that he was not by burrich’s side when he died.

I am trying to think of what else to say but I think I am too close to it all. I cried a lot over patience. I am happy that the six duchies once again has a king-in-waiting and a strong, foreign born wife. Hap’s ending was a surprise, and I feel his story was a little neglected throughout, but he’s happy so I’m happy. I had hoped to see jinna again but I suppose that part of the story had already ended. Ooo and the last line about Lacey was so unnecessary!! I didn’t need to know that.

All in all, I liked this book very much despite the pain it caused me. I am happy that fitz is happy - in his father’s holdings, with his wife, the children he cares for, and his eccentric mother. I am sure it will all soon come tumbling down, and that I will have to blame fitz for it.

I am anxious to see the fool again. And if fitz’s peace cannot last, then I hope at least that in the trouble he’ll no doubt find himself in, his Beloved will be by his side. For even though I like molly, neither she nor even nighteyes could make fitz whole, the way that his fool does.

I am going to bed.

[lazulian-devil]

I start this year with 20K words in a Pokémon Fanfiction. Now, that by itself doesnt sound like a lot.

But last year and the year before that was a a year of depression. I didnt write anymore. I used to write endlessly, ferociously, as if simply putting a pen down would already be losing the fight. But it became such a chore. It became something bitter and painful, because I wasnt able to do it anymore. And I simply sank deeper and farther away from it, until there was no word anymore. Not read, not spoken and definitely not written.

And then I went and got therapy. Stayed in a clinic for 2,5 months. I arranged it myself after several meltdowns. I could have just walked up to the frontdesk and be admitted, but for some reason, I needed to be able to do it myself. The last cry of a dying elk can only be made by its own vocal chords.

During that time, I also read Skulduggery Pleasant again. I wrote three breakdowns of the first three books for Tumblr. I met some cool people.

But mostly, I started writing again. It was slow at first. A trickle of ideas, a memory of the skills I learned, of the books I had written and wanted to live up to. My mind wasnt used to it anymore.

And now I drown in it.

All the ideas of two years are crashing down on me. Thats what I believed in the beginning. But it isnt like that at all.

I simply started seeing the world through the eyes of a writer again.

Even more than that: I started seeing the world again. A writer I have always been. The rest came naturally.

So I start my year with 20K words in a Fanfiction, standing on a flooded field of ideas. And despite that being just a small little number, I dare say that I am happy. I am surrounded by the very art I make and by all the art that I keep finding from others. A little palace worth of it.

-----

I assume someone might have read this and asked for whom it is. Its very much for me. I need to remind myself every now and again that it has gotten better. That despite everything, I am winning. Not because I achieve victory every day, simply because I am fighting in the first place.

If you, reader, struggle with anything right now, let me tell you this:

There is hope. There is always hope. And if I can do anything for you today, then that you see it flicker for only a moment.

Have a wonderful day. Take a deep breath. Stay hydrated.

[nyctarian]

ok questions stolen from This Post

How many books did you read this year? Did you meet any of your reading goals? Which ones? I am currently at 156 books read out of my GR goal of 80, so I met and surpassed my goal by a lot but i include DNFs and this year i read a Lot of short books, several short poetry collections, more graphic novels than i normally do, etc

Did you DNF anything? Why? What is the most over-hyped book you read this year? Yeah lol. If i get bored if a book if something shitty happens if a book is lame etc etc. I started the year desperate for Any book to catch my interest and wasted a lot of time reading very bad romance books recommended by various instagram reels. basically all of the really dumb ig reels romance books that had bad plots annoying characters and a million fans saying it was SoOoOo SwOoOoOnY is most overhyped to Me.

Did you reread anything? What? Notable rereads includes: keturah and lord death by martine leavitt (fun but cheesy as always), book lovers by emily henry (less enjoyable but still good), and Nimona by N.D. Stevenson (which i reread for the first time since i read it in tumblr webcomic format and for the most part held up even if my recollection of what the story was and how it ended was Not Accurate)

Was there anything you meant to read, but never got to? Yeag,. I have So Many books i intended to read but either didnt want to start at the wrong time, couldnt find, or just like. Wanted to But Didnt Want to Read.

Any books that disappointed you? yeah lots. one that was annoyingly disappoint was happy place by emily henry bc shes normally a reliable Fun RomCom Author for me but i just could not get into it at all the whole premise annoyed me the characters were annoying etc etc etc. it was annoying bc i knew the plot didnt interest me at all but i was still giving it a chance bc shes a reliable author but then i hated it. there were a few others that i was excited for bc they sounded thoughtful and weird and then they were just shallow and derivative. OH and bitter medicine by mia tsai! i wanted to like it so much and large chunks of it were reallllly good but the swapping pov was just annoying and the main characters felt inconsistent depending on whether they were the pov or not. and the relationship didnt develop well which was annoying bc i really wanted to like it. the girl who fell beneath the sea by axie oh was one that i was really enjoying until the conclusion and then i was like. Oh Okay Guess That Was The Ending, which was Very Annoying to experience lol. oh also not really disappointing comma bad book but disappointing comma not for me was I'll Go On by Hwang Jungeun which just wasnt the type of story i like wasnt enough like one hundred shadows (which, my enjoyment of that one was the only reason i tried it)

What books do you want to finish before the year is over? i have 29 books on my currently reading and i do Not think im finishing most of them before end of year and there are a bunch on there that should be on my year end best list but im just. not gonna finish. this includes stuff ranging from the idiot by elif batuman, untold day and night by bae suah, open city by teju cole, house of cotton by monica brashears, and like. a lot more lol. Trust by Hernan Diaz is on my year end list and my currently reading.....

Did any books surprise you with how good they were? One Hundred Shadows by Hwang Jungeun Please Please Please read this book everyone hey everyone have i told you how much you should read this book yet hey everyone!!! a few other Surprising Faves this year but that one is my indisputable #1 book of the year. others that were better then i expected include the invoice by jonas karlsson, mona by pola oloixarac, whereabouts by jhumpa lahiri, fever dream by samantha schweblin, and lots more lol i tried to read Good Books this year bc so many fun books were bad and unenjoyable. my only standout Fun Books That My Brain Liked of the year was the Heaven Official's Blessing series by Mò Xiāng Tóng Xiù

What reading goals do you have for next year? EYE am going to be doing a Lower goal next year even tho i read the most books since i started doing the GR reading challenge but i think im just gonna maintain a baseline goal of 50 books. also i want to clear out my Currently Reading and i want to not have it all cluttered the way it has been for months.

[spamton-addison]

okay all the questions I can think of before I have to leave

1 general backstory overview?

2 pronouns?

3 favorite food, movie, snack, book, and person?

4 an object they really like

5 sexual/romantic orientation(s)?

6 how many friends do they have?

7 cursed by the visions or doomed by the narrative

8 are you interested in maybe them hanging out with my characters sometime maybe…….

9 does their name have a meaning?

10 are they yours or did you revamp them? (Or are they just a blorbo?)

11 do they like rain?

12 favorite tv show

13 old television colorbars? Yes or no?

14 touch tone telephone or rotary dial phone?

15 why do they stand out to you so much?

16 I am out of ideas. I will send more if I think of them and pls keep writing if you’d like/can

OKAY RAPIDFIRE LETS GO

1. sale is the oldest sibling of the addison family (hes 28 usually, but around 24 in some aus . hes always the oldest sibling though) he was happy once and then his best friend got cucked by a capitalist bastard which caused him to completely shut down emotionally in some fucked up misguided attempt to protect himself and his siblings from further harm its a whole thing . he is constantly overworking himself in order to avoid thinking about what happens and refuses to let himself cry ever

2. pronouns are he/him this man is CIS

3. favourite food: nothing i can think of specifically but he used to really like sour things and meat . he hates beef specifically though

favourite movie: he doesnt give himself time to watch anything recreationally. he probably wouldve liked deadpool/deadpool 2 if hed ever watched them though (sorry. my movie knowledge is limited and im projecting)

favourite snack: coffee is not a snack but it is to him . he probably ate coffee beans before the horrors as a joke

favourite book: he doesnt give himself time to read but he probably would like fantasy books . think like the dragon stones trilogy or eragon . also maybe the hunger games

favourite person: thatd either be his (missing) best friend Loveluck, his sibling Reverb (in aus where reverb exists) or his sibling Radio (in aus where radio exists)

4. he has this one specific pen that hes used for years and never throws away . he would rather spend a fuck ton of money getting ink specifically for this one pen than just buy a ton of new ones cheap . it is his favourite pen . otherwise he has a photo of him and his siblings he keeps in his room, but hes kept it facedown since the horrors (it hurts to look at)

5. hes aroace :D

6. anywhere between zero and maybe three . depends on the au

7. doomed by the narrative but also the narrative wants to save him . he is dead set on dooming himself . but also he suffers in nearly every au so i think that counts as doomed by the narrative

8. he doesnt get out much anymore and is kind of mean to most people but ABSOLUTELY . young sale (pre shutdown) is tolerable and a fun guy to be around probably

9. take a wild guess what the name Sale could possibly mean/silly

10. sale is my oc but he was Supposed to just be a generic yellow addison to act as the scapegoat . it got a little out of hand and now hes my everything

11. ya he likes the rain its grounding . when it rains is like the only time he lets himself take a break from work because he can just focus on the white noise of the rain . its nice to him . rain is actually one of the few things he likes now that he Didnt like before

12. he hates like everything to do with tv shows . probably the pokemon anime

13. possibly

14. touch tone . he has a personal vendetta against rotary dial phones

15. CLAPS HANDS TOGETHER. HE IS MY FAVOURITE COLOUR, HE HAS SPIKY TEETH, I PROJECT ONTO HIM AN ALARMING AMOUNT, IVE HAD HIM AROUND A YEAR AND A HALF AT LEAST BY NOW I THINK? HE STANDS OUT BECAUSE HES JUST SO FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN IN A WAY UNIQUE TO HIM (and trust me there are a Lot of characters that are so fucked up around him) HE IS SO FULL OF CONFLICT AND FEAR AND HES PATHETIC AND ID LET HIM BE MY DAD BUT ALSO IM A LITTLE GAY FORHIM .

16. sale has like. two main character arcs to me, regardless of au . notably being his first arc, in which he digs himself into a terribly awfully deep hole, and his second arc being then realising he wants to get Out of it again . although in the aus where he Does get to heal he is never the same as he was before it all, he still heals and gets to move on with his life . even if it takes him literal years to get to a point where he can even start .

despite how poor his circumstances are (largely by his own fault but caused by the disappearance of loveluck) and despite how hard it is for him to keep going every day he never wants to die . he wants this hell to end but he doesnt want that end to be by dying . he wants to live . he wishes he still could . but he is so scared and he lets that fear control him and that is why he so routinely makes the shittiest decisions . he is trying his best but his best right now is terrible because of how centred he is on avoiding the past .

he means so much to me

[exnihilo-comic]

14, 21, and 22 for the art ask?

14. digital or traditional

i have NO training in digital art, everything i do is ink on paper with occasional digital edits. i respect digital artists so much though, they go from blank screen to majesty so quickly, its fuckin magic

21. something you would like to improve on

the process of formulating ideas, really. in school i visited a friends house and he showed me his desk, which he described as being his place where he "brainstormed for at least an hour a day" and i was taken aback by that. id love to have enough free time that i could just sit down and doodle with no pressure and no thought process, and just think about stuff for the sake of thinking about stuff.

22. what inspires you

other cartoons and comics, actually! i talk off my friends ears constantly with my favorite comics, animation styles, movies, cartoons, etc. i didnt realize i had such a fondness for cartooning until someone said to me "you know a lot about cartooning that ive never even heard of before" and it finally occurred to me that half the time i talk, its about cartoons.

briefly, my fav webcomics that im a huge fan of are cyanide and happiness, xkcd, smbc (which got less funny over the years and more just bleak and nerdy, finishing your degree and having kids can do that), poorly drawn lines (@pdlcomics reza is my ROLE MODEL i take so much inspiration from him) perry bible fellowship, channel ate, oglaf (NSFW), mr lovenstein, war and peas (@warandpeas), the red dot, the other end (@theotherendcomics), extra fabulous, rory blank (who deserves a lot more attention, he makes limited order t shirts every month), pictures for sad children (which if you know anything about how it ended, read this article about how the author isnt as bad as ppl say

and theres artists whom i love that arent exactly weekly webcomic artists but still cartoonists/artists in their own right, like graham annable (@grickle14, he has a new book im going to preorder) mateusz skutnik (who makes video games and comic books as well, im SO EXCITED for submachine legacy), Lev Yilmaz (@levniyilmaz, you can see one of his comics as the pinned post on my sideblog). god who am i missing...brad neely, yotam perel, keith stack and his wacky lesbian hour, sarah anderson for sure, god theres so many

[admirableadmiranda]

Just a silly rumble of words; I didn't get into any of the works till this very year (first week January), at the loving pushing of a friend who wanted to drag me into the fandom pit. I watched 28 eps of the untamed and couldn't get past that cus of how we were stuck in the past and it was all very depressing and maddening lol. I picked up the novel and had no issues finishing it. To say it was a jarring experience finishing the novel and going into fandom spaces and the overwhelming love and stans of JC, I felt like I had walked into the twilight zone. I kept reading posts on him and thinking I had gotten the name wrong because I was seeing zero link in the slightest(I would even wiki names), then it became undeniable it was definitely 'him'. The fanart was the final nail in the coffin, why was so much of it with wwx and JC speaking after the end; a thing? It was overwhelmingly clear it was a mutual cut off and neither had a desire for the other to be around them. Every form of media I wanted to engage with all had that, I couldn't read fanfics, look at most art, even written analysis posts it was so OOC. I actively went looking for posts on why they liked JC, why they thought this and that, and every time it was just 'but he objectively didnt' 'that didn't happen though' It felt very isolating and confusing because I generally wanted to take an active part in the space. I can't say the JC rewrite was the only issue but rewriting in general was a very big problem in general. I even watched scenes and videos to see if the drama held weight to create this character but even then he was written in a more pitiful and likeable light but I still personally didn't feel it was fully justified. I'm all for liking unlikeable characters but this character wasn't even a shadow of the canon character I knew and I went in wanting and willing to understand and love him. I was (am) beyond excited to find people who did analysis posts and created spaces that follow the novel, I blocked tags, followed blogs, made a little space that was limited content but it was still content. To say I'm just exhausted and frustrated over this whole 'discourse' event, is putting it lightly. I always got push over content that didn't fit my taste but I would just move past it. My friend is even a fan of JC but openly admits to not enjoying the novel so only takes the 'lore' of the drama as real and we've never had any issues, I'll even send those push over posts of JC that come on my tl to them. It feels like we created a home on a mountain, happily existing in peace and then people come storming in saying we're evil and ruining their experience and active haters out to ruin the fandom. It's just bewildering, with all this being said thank you to you and all the other content creators for the content and I'm sorry and sad you're getting harassed for creating it but pls know it's very much appreciated and wanted. (And needed for my sanity lol)

Ah anon, I understand your cql burnout there. I myself had to skip from around the fall of Lotus Pier up to episode 33 in order to actually watch it as the backstory is just too long and really ruins the framing of present day and backstory that the book does so well.

I understand your confusion and frustration there. I had a lot of those same experiences when I joined the fandom, of being confused and bewildered at all this stuff that either vaguely or completely contradicted the book. It took me accidentally stumbling across a blog that actively did not like Jiang Cheng to revive my fandom love and then stumbling into a wonderful friend group that were happy to have me too in order to finally really start enjoying MDZS fandom. Sort of the same thing you did, only with more active pushback against fandom narratives.

Thank you very much for your kind words. It is currently a very frustrating time, but I won’t give in and let them have the tag. I conceded one fight, I won’t give in on this one.

The wheel continues to turn and people move with it. It will not always be this frustrating.

<3

[1d1195]

Sam! The newest part of Most was EVERYTHING!! Now you know absolutely LOVED Lauren getting publicly embarrassed by Harry calling her out like that! I swear I was so happy knowing that she finally got exposed and she technically exposed herself lol I do think it was so right for Harry being the one to find out because I fear the MC would have just been too nice to her lol but also I think it gives him some closure? Idk if that’s the right word but I think it helps fill in some gaps for that time of the breakup. ANYWAYS loved reading that lol

Now you have been putting this couple through so much but honestly I love it! Harry was literally in shambles while driving to her apartment and he had to find out she was TRAPPED IN HER BUILDING THATS ONE FIRE?!? And she DIDNT REALIZE IT?!? I would start crying ngl if I was in his position lol I was so invested when reading the last half especially when she dropped her love confession as almost a goodbye?! I’m so excited to see how their story will be wrapped up! They are so in love I can’t! So so good bestie as always you’re killing it with these stories!

Also sorry it took so long to reply back! Had such a busy week and I’m just so tired lol my summer classes end in 3 ish weeks so this upcoming week are my midterms(so crazy 😔)! Idk when fall classes start exactly but I think the last week of September maybe? Idk I’m avoiding knowing it lol and don’t be sorry for asking questions! I love questions! I commute to school so I’ve never lived on campus. I live with my parents still so it has its pros and cons lol

Though I’m so surprised you almost start your school year again?? Idk if I’ve just lost the concept of time but I thought you still had a pretty good chunk left of summer break for you?! I can only imagine how hard it is to be “on” all the time especially as a teacher and I hope that you do set goals for not overwhelming/working yourself this year! I just know you can do it my love because you are so important! Always rooting for you💗

I LOVE that you’re having some free time to read! And honestly some smut/romance books are needed sometimes so I don’t blame you for gobbling them up! Anything that you come up for Monday I’m sure it will be great even if it’s sad lol and a check in is always nice! I love to see how the couples are doing! I was just thinking about the Zipper couple bc I saw a horse drawn carriage yesterday when I went out lol and I LOVE YOUR RAMBLING!!! I could never get tired of it or you!! Love little updates on the life of Sam lol

Hope this weekend treats you well and sending the best vibes! Love you lots!!!-💜

Hi!!!! I have been dying for Harry to figure it out. I know it took a while but I hope it was kind of worth the wait. It's funny you say that about the MC finding out 👀 It def gives him closure. I'm so glad to be done with Lauren. (Although I'm sure I'm going to have to write an extra about her running into Lauren hehehe)

I just LOVE to have drama and make Harry stress out when I write 🤭🤭 There's something DEFINITELY wrong with me its in all my romance books basically. I'm just a sucker for a protective guy getting all worried about his lady 😅 HE DEF was SOBBING. I think I wrote he was crying but it was subtle because I had to make sure he could still see but maybe that's the next part hahahahaha but in my head he was a blubbering mess 🤭 This part was SO short when I originally wrote it. I know it's pretty dialogue heavy and I just couldn't figure out how to make it any longer so I just kept throwing stuff in and I was like "she should just tell him. It's pretty obvious anyway."

I am so appreciative of your compliments as always 💕

Please don't apologize! I bet you're exhausted! 3 weeks seems like forever. That's interesting you start toward the end of September. There's NOTHING wrong with living at home and commuting. I have an apartment and I love my bf but I would move back home to my INSANE family in a heartbeat if it meant I could save more money 😅 I was lucky to live on campus because of scholarships and stuff but even still I was only an hour away from home if I needed anything and after my first year I had my car with me.

I have one more full week off but I've been SO busy I feel like I didn't really get a break :( idk. I know people complain about teachers having all this time off but it goes quick and shoving all the things you need to do into it is difficult. I haven't even seen like half of my friends that I wanted to see which I normally budget my time off with. The thought of meeting up with them is exhausting and as I've mentioned before I always do the reaching out so that's exhausting in it's own right. I think I will likely have to book myself into September and hang out with them at that time.

I actually reread parts of Zipper the other day 😭 I think they probably rotate through my top 3 couples and stories. But what's a little sad is I would love to write more about them, but I think they might be done. I feel (hope) I wrote a really solid ending for them and I could write about their kids or whatever but idk if that's worth it. I like to think of them as all wrapped up--zipped closed, if you will. 🤭

LOVE YOU hope your weekend allows you some time to yourself and your midterms are easy peasy 💕

xoxo

[michellemondares]

Memoir

Ma. Michelle Mae Mondares

12-Bookkeeping

April 14, 2006

I was born in April 14, 2006 and my mother named me Maria Michelle Mae Mondares.

When I was a month old, I got sick and my whole skin turns to red. My mother was just crying while holding me because she couldn’t afford to bring me in the hospital due to lack of money. When my grandfather and grandmother arrived at home they saw my mother crying while holding me, they ask what happened and my mother said that I am sick. They look at me with pity in their eyes and they rushed me to the hospital. The doctor said that, thankfully that I was rushed in hospital or else I would die that time because my body wont hold it. I was so thankful back then because through the years I am still alive and thats because god is good. Later on, at my age of 5 to 7 I really love to play sisira ang bulalak-bubukas ang bubulak it is commonly known in philippine as children play. I used to wear colorful dress when I was a kid and I really like to wear high heels because it makes me feel like an adult. I love playing outside of our house in mandaue city and I have a lot of friends in mandaue city, named deo, grace, maxine, love, jessa, and many more. My favorite food back then was fried chicken and I really love to dip it in the ketchup. One day when my grandmonther sell an ice candy I thought that it was for free because im just a kid back then, I called many kids around our neighborhood and gave it to them one by one. I was scolded and I cried because I was clueless and I just want to have many friends back then, but if I think of it right now its kinda funny. One day my father died due to heart attack and I cried so hard because I couldn’t afford to accept right away and in 2017 we moved to lapu-lapu city, I met new people and new friends. In 2018, I started online business on facebook. I sell clothes online and I have many customers and I earned a lot of money around 7,000pesos and I used that money for my school supplies and other personal stuff. In 2019 I graduated in junior high and in 2022 a typhoon occurred again and it hits very hard in Lapu- Lapu city. The typhone called “bagyong odette” that time I cried for mercy because the typhoon that we didnt expect that the typhoon will be so strong. All humanities in Lapu-Lapu city was affected and we lost electricity, some of people lost homes. Every night we used candles for light and a diy fan, I used to go out at night and just staring at the moon because if the night came the road is dark. We suffered at least 2-3months because of “Bagyong odette” we used to go in a lanueva or unitop to use their generator to charge our phones and flashlights. That time it is hard to use cellphones because there is no signal and there’s no electricity, so what I did I read books, paint and play with my sister and cousins. The typhoon occurred when christmas is coming, during christmas all people didnt celebrate I didnt see fireworks. I realized that in december 25, 2022, 98% of people was sad because they lost homes and cant eat properly. After 2-3 months, the electricity came back and we we’re so happy. We start to get back on our feet and start cleaning in our house and I helped my grandmother to clean our house. I learned many lessons when bagyong odette occured because if bagyong odette didn’t occurred we will always focus on our cellphone and we cannot notice what is in our environment, we will not learn how to have a quality time with our families. Bagyong odette thought me that having quality time with your family is the best part of our lives. Right now im currently studying in Asian Learning center, I joined a choir in the school called “glee club” and I practiced singing and playing piano but sadly I quit in the choir because of some reason. But through that I met my new bandmates but we dont have band name for now, I am happy with them and I enjoy every moment if were together. In 2024 I joined a singing contest in our school called “ALCI Global Idol”, I won 1st placer. Also I met a boy, he is so handsome and smarter than me. He asked me if its okay to court me and I said yes! I felt butterflies in my stomach that I haven't experienced in years. Right now Im living the best.

[indigo474]

Jan 14th- sunday sunday sunday

i meant to write all week but didnt.. so much happens, all the time.

I stopped to get gas one morning this week. Thursday? yes, thursday i know because i ran that morning and showered before work. As i was getting my gas i just happened to look over at the pump across they way from me and there were 2 guys checking me out.. it made me smile.. they were kids but still.. i looked behind me and there was another guy checking me out.. it use to make me feel a certain way.. not a good way- but this day- it made me feel good and also i get it.. i look good so i really cant blame them for looking..

tuesday i saw James and everything felt heavy. i lifted less but more reps which was fine with me. i was not feeling it..Thursday i dead lifted 200lbs.. another personal record. apparently this is what we do.. we dead lift. there is no limit as to how much we lift. my knees feel better. i ran a few times this week.. not real far.. 3miles. i ran friday morning in my neighborhood.. in the daylight. first time. i feel like i am making progress.. i have this thing about not being seen.. bizarre considering all i really want is to me seen .. but i'm also scared of being seen but i said fuck it.. i didnt have enough time to drive to the park and i really wanted to run.. so i did.. i'm not sure who saw me nor do i care.. progress.

i was in my feelings at the start of the week. there is a guy in my neighborhood who gives me an icky feeling. i know him but i dont. our daughters were friends in elementary school. i dont think he knows me.. but he smokes cigarettes and watches me run in the am. he reminds me of X.. i drove by his house one night and he was smoking with the door open. something X would have done..smoke in the door way -not really outside- smoke goes in the house.. anyway. i heard this guy leave early monday morning.. absurdly early. 4 ish. it reminded me of x, only he would leave at 3 something to go see his baby momma and his baby.. it brought back memories of the bullshit that i lived through and how messed up it all was .. i didnt deserve to be treated they way i was treated considering what X was up to. is this neighbor guy up to no good.. who knows..i'm just glad i don't have to worry about anyone doing me dirty. its kind of weird what can trigger a memory.. the great news is ..it's all great news.. the past doesnt matter- here now!!!

New York!! such a great time. Dancing in times square! Times Square.. electric.. I was so glad to share the experience with Madison. We went to a museum to see Taylor swifts clothes. MAds is going to London in Aug to see swift- and wants me to go. I am on the fence. i need to make a decision by the end of this week. I am amazed by the number of people in the city.. amazed.. it was a fun visit and i would like to go back. weird thing.. we went to lunch and the other mother we were with was super excited when she saw alcohol on the menu .. i told her i was going to have an iced tea because caffeine.. it was like i ruined the party.. i told her to go ahead and order a drink.. she declined. it made me feel weird.

i made it 10 days.. 14 days porn free and vibrator free.. it was a lot of work to make myself orgasm-i'm just happy i could do it without watching porn.

I got myself a book light and i absolutely love it.. and it was on sale. it makes reading in bed so much better.. just a little light.. i actually really love it. im still reading the Bhgavad gita.. i'm still excited for this year.. not so much this winter.. it is cold and i am over it. i think we are getting snow. i hope it isnt true. I am falling in love with myself more and more each day. it sounds weird to say, type, think, feel.. i am in a love affair with me.. i am looking forward to having next weekend off.. i am still waiting for my King... i hope he is somewhere happy. someday i will tell him about all the days i prayed for him before i knew him.

[cosmicjellies]

long and disorganised dark shadows update

once again spoilers for this 50 yo show//

first of all i am stupid and got the last episode for the dream curse storyline wrong. i think i wrote down 563 and it is actually 536? and it took me a minute to notice. decided to stop at 560 bc its a good number. the adam storyline is very long which i find daunting, so it's good that there is also that to break it up. i have been watching it fairly slowly but i will still take a medium-sized break before continuing.

i have been thinking about what the best way to watch this show in 2023 is, and how the ways we watch tv have changed over the years. i usually am kind of anti-bingeing but i feel like this weirdly benefits from it? for me at least. maybe because it was daily and not weekly. that said its funny how repetitive it is. was thinking about this especially this time around- they reaallly dragged out that dream and that tape by dr lang, i feel like they repeated each of them about 100 times i could probably recite them. luckily i like repetition but i imagine it would drive some other people (esp modern day viewers who might be bingeing this) crazy.

anyway some scattered thoughts under the break-

i love cursed paintings/art-based horror so i liked that there was a bit of that, but maybe they could have spent more time with it. was very happy to see my good friend rev trask come back as a ghost like i specifically said i wanted him to last time. please come back again! angelique magically forcing tony to be in love with her was very fucked up! again i wish we had spent more time exploring how fucked up it was. elizabeth turning into naomi was obviously great i esp loved when it got kind of incestuous with her mistaking roger for joshua- there was already an uncomfortable subtext there esp after the casting choices for 1795 it makes perfect sense to bring that out. i am not super into nicholas as a character yet- he seems mostly instrumental, to make angelique go from villain to victim, which admittedly is fun.

excited for vampire angelique and it does make sense to go there. excited for non-barnabas vampires in general. speaking of, how do vampires work, actually? barnabas is suddenly worried about the guy she attacked turning into a vampire- but has this been a problem before? barnabas has attacked many people, who just died unceremoniously. when he was feeding off maggie it did seem like she was turning, but then it stopped. and obviously biting people does have an effect on them, but so far it's been used to enslave them/make them familiars, not fully turn them (something i really liked in previous storylines). either an inconsistency or something that needs to be elaborated on.

i dont have any full thoughts on the adam storyline as a frankenstein adaptation, since it hasnt finished yet. obv the way it was tied into curing vampirism was extremely silly and nonsensical but thats great i love that. didnt really care for sam going blind but it was fun when i made the connection to the book, in which frankenstein's creature befriends a blind man. leonardo dicaprio pointing meme. found myself thinking a lot of about adam's language development, and the ways in which it is probably not realistic, and wouldn't it be cool if someone did tell a similar story but had read up on language acquisition and made an effort to model the different stages etc etc. but i realise this is actually not something anyone cares about at all.

obv adams crush on carolyn is extremely uncomfortable, and it has now gotten to the point in frankenstein where the creature kind of turns into an incel. rip. was going insane whenever matthew talked to adam about women- first carolyn and then vicky. all that stuff about "imagine if someone took away caroline wouldnt you feel bad, think about how kidnapping women makes men who love them feel :/" when you could perhaps just explain to him that vicky and carolyn are people and what about how they themselves feel. blah blah this is from the 60s.

anyway stay tuned after my break for more disorganised thoughts! i will be finishing the adam storyline next

[323398149]

Hey besties. Another happy vibes post I guess. More like major life moment has been going on slash being prepped for and I haven't been able to process it properly and then I realized yknow what I gotta just journal it out bro that's the only way anything ever comes together for me.

So

Hello future old amms.

Three weeks ago your healthy parents booked an umrah trip for you and your sister. And you guys didn't even have passports yet so that was step one. And you went and got your photos. Oh wait gotta add detail you were at the gym about to do a madfit app upper body workout when ur mom called to congratulate you and then I was like uh can I get my pictures today and go tmr? And she was like sure anyways you went to the office near the peo office gah and yeah went to pick them up in the subway a week later. And yeah then you read an umrah prep book and made notes and then you've been shopping for necessities and coaching Fatima zohra twice a week. So that's pretty much been ur life. Also you went to your first Patel cousins potlock dinner and humairaa took you guys out for dinner last weekend. So that's pretty much been what's up.

So what that means is you stopped applying to jobs, you stopped going to the gym, and you honestly haven't got as far as you'd like to have with your knowledge prep. You've been listening to an audio discussion of sealed nectar tho so that feels good oh and you purchased your first ever own Quran!

Anyways you've also reflected a lot a lot on the past year and how much you've changed since 22. Your physical appearance has changed a LOT! lol you're way stronger looooool like not to say you're strong but just strongER than you were before which was random pains. OH SIDE NOTE you also cleaned the basement donation pile. And your hair is way shorter, you eat proper meals and you're less tired cause you get to sleep in all the time. You smile and laugh and are a person with a personality who reads books and makes jokes. You're alive. And you're so grown up lol.

Your friends tell you you're more calm. Oh I ALSO spent one day with zaibaa at her classes for her big kid engineering school and that was so dope and inspiring. Gaaah that's a whole other excitement to talk about. So yeah it's been an eventful start to the year.

Anyways back to the topic. A year ago you got sick and in the moment before you passed out you called out to your mom to alert her that something was wrong and as you were dropping and everything felt far away, you thought "thank goodness I didn't do the haram thing that was dangling infront of me 2 months ago" lol and in the hours after I realized like shit, I'm so grateful that it was that thought instead of one of fear of death and regret. Like yes obvs those were still there but there was a relief. And honestly that wasnt me, that was allah that stopped me and protected me from myself and from jahanam yknow? Anyways which started you on a slow crawl journey back to your faith, a reversal of like 3 years of pulling away. Idk maybe the journey has already started and halted before that but yeah. It's been such a slow crawl which means I still feel so behind where I'd like to be but I still love being able to look back and see that there HAS been progress.

So yeah a year ago I had told me classmate that my parents wanted us to go to umrah in may after exams but no way I wasnt ready or mature enough or at that place in life and I was gonna tell them that I didnt want to go. And here I am, terrified and not at all feeling ready yet still excited kinda. So that's the thing and what I want to say. Like I haven't really let myself get excited because idk I lowkey feel so undeserving loool. But yeah I guess now I need to put myself into that excitement because I need to prepare my soul for this big life moment that's happening and now it's really here and it's happening loooooool if that makes sense idk.

The main thing for me is working on forgiveness and like letting go of grudges and hard feelings. I lowkey dont even know how to gah but imma google it and figure it out tmr morning and then just work my way through everyone I know and like let shit go in my heart.

Honestly even a few weeks ago I couldn't imagine myself even WANTING to do that looool rip but anyways now thinking about it I'm like damn that acc sound kinda nice and like I'll be lighter. I'm looking forward to letting go now which idk if you know me loool idk that hasnt been my vibe in the past. So yeah I'm excited. I hope it all works out. By it all I mean everything. This trip, getting a job, starting a life, dying, the afterlife loooool I hope it all works out haha

[cowboylikemeg]

good morning