#i don’t even know how to put it into words. im stuck in my life and if im not stuck im falling behind. i kinda got in trouble at work a

[pepprs]

i wish i wasn’t depressed lol

[myhappylittlesideblog]

See You When You Get Back

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Shane's a big jerk in this

Summary: Checking in with those going on a supply run creates some drama within the crew. (Season 1 ish)

A/N: My first Daryl piece! Needed some soft Daryl in my life lol. I haven't finished the show yet, currently in the middle of S.6 and it's been a long time since I watched season 1&2, so sorry for any inaccuracies.

Runs weren’t your thing. Not right now. Maybe in a few months you’d be able to stomach it- going out amidst walkers and even more twisted survivors to find food. And toothpaste. God, you needed toothpaste. But even with the protectors of the group on your side, watching your back, you knew you wouldn’t make it back to camp. Not right now. Maybe someday. 

Everybody was clear on that. The “not right now.” So those going out on the supply run would check in with you, ask if you needed anything special and then leave you be to do their laundry or clean the little dishware you had all collected.

They collected. The ones who could collect things- those going on the runs. You just cleaned. For now. 

“Hey.” It sounded more like a grunt than a word. 

Daryl pulled you from your thoughts. Like a hand dipping into the waves to yank you up into the clear air to breathe. 

“Need anythin'?” He asked once you looked at him. 

You smiled. A lips pressed together - thanks for thinking of me - smile. 

“The usual. Diamonds, meth, whatever you can find.”

He snorted, rolling his eyes. 

“And toothpaste if you can find it. But I let Andrea know that.”

He gave a curt nod. “Kay.” 

“See you when you get back,” you said to him. 

A laughing hiss came from behind you. “Damn, girl, tell 'im how you really feel.”

Shane stood behind you. Snarky. Smirking. Shaking his head. 

Though Rick was the one who found you on his way out of the hospital, it was Shane who let you join the group. At least, that’s how he saw it. You were grateful to him, he protected you, provided for you like he did the others. When you had no place to stay and no tent of your own, he let you share his. It was a generous gesture that was starting to come back to bite you each time Shane acted like he had a say in everything you did. Even more than the others in the group, that is. 

“What?” you said. 

His fingers dug into the belt loops in his jeans as he leaned to one hip. “Everybody else gets a pat on the shoulder or a hug. 'Be safe, keep safe,’” he said, imitating a whiny voice that wasn't quite yours. He shrugged. “Guess she couldn’t care less ‘bout you, Dixon.”

You heard the distinct click and jangle of Daryl putting his crossbow over his shoulder, ready to move out. Your jaw clenched at the thought of him leaving with Shane’s words in his head. 

“Why would you even say somethin' like that?” You shot at Shane. “I would never-“

“Ya don’ haf’ta explain yerself,” Daryl mumbled to you. 

“What was that?” Shane called. 

“I said she doesn’ haf’ta explain herself to you,” Daryl said, taking a step toward you, but angling himself toward Shane. Ready. 

“I think I know her better than you do, Dixon,” Shane said. “We share a goddamn tent-“

“You-“

“If you think,” you interrupted both of them, “that I’d say such a thing about any one of us, then you don’t know me at all. But Daryl’s right. I don’t have to explain anything to you.”

Shane’s eyes went narrow. He crossed the open space between you, the span of two tents, in just a few long strides. You felt Daryl stiffen at your side as Shane stuck his face near yours. 

“You be careful who you align yourself with, (Y/N). If I were you-“

“Yer not.” Daryl said. 

Shane didn’t take his eyes off you. “If I were you, I’d choose better than a redneck with a few arrows.”

Even with his harsh words, his gaze softened toward you. Then he turned away and made his way back to his tent. 

Once he disappeared, you sighed, hoping the tension in your chest would dissipate with the air, but it didn’t. 

“Dick,” Daryl mumbled. 

A dry chuckle left you as you turned to him. His cheeks were pink with anger but his face was calm now. 

“Daryl, when I said- I just meant that-“

“I know what ya mean when ya say it.” His arm snaked around your neck, pulling you into him. Fast, hard, and unexpected. “I’ll see ya when I get back.”

He spoke into your hair. You felt his lips and breath move against your skin. And then he let go, gone as fast as he appeared, and you watched him saunter toward the rest of the group going on the run, his crossbow fit to his back. 

-------------------------------

A/N: A part two may come! I can't just leave you in a tent with Shane after all that, can I?

[st4rgzer]

now playing…FORTNIGHT (spencer reid)

-“ˈfɔːtnaɪt: a period of two weeks”-

summary: in which your unlawful affair with fbi agent spencer reid must come to an end

genre: angst, flashback of fluff

cw!: allusions to cheating, kissing, inappropriate innuendos

a/n: this is acc so long but i promise its worth the read, first of many to come!

you watched as spencer methodically fiddled with his tie, a sign that no matter how loose he’d get it to be, it felt like he was choking. you grinned reminiscent, this had brought back to your mind the memory of your first date with him. except he had shorter, neater hair and a less bitter smile.

“how’s your wife” you said, pettiness laced in your words. your arms crossed over your chest, putting up invisible walls, distancing yourself mentally from him. pretending you weren’t thinking about how pretty he’d look under you.

“she’s…well.” he had given you a short, wary response. his eyes studied your face, landing on your lips, he licks his. most likely, he was trying to memorize everything, as if you were a fleeting moment. but you were. you were uncertain about his intents when his eyes wandered for a few seconds.

“how’s dan?” the word ‘dan’ came out with a petulant smile, and sour tone. flourishing the little likeness he had toward him.

the conversation bored you out of your mind. he was holding back. he could’ve said about a million things by now but he chose to keep silent, neglecting your tortured heart even more.

“i think he’s cheating on me, though im still not sure. but i have strong points on the subject, good reasoning” you say dismissively, looking down at your nails. the issue didn’t seem to faze you. after all, some could say you had committed certain behaviors that could allude as cheating.

spencer tried to bite back the grin that was forming on his face, he looked down to try and conceal it.

“i’m sorry about that…” his tone seemed untruthful. he wasn’t sorry about it, because he knew the things he’d done with you while both of you had a ring on your fingers.

you gnawed on your bottom lip. thinking of an ingenious comment that would make him laugh. a quip to start some friendly fire. something that could break through the crushing tension that lingered between the both of you, like thick vines wrapped around your neck, making you unable to speak.

‘i love you, it’s ruining my life’ was all that your brain could come up with, but of course, this wasn’t exactly the best thing to say given the setting and circumstances. but it was how you felt. you treasured every touch and every word, hanging onto every detail desperately. every fortnight that his wife would be out of town. it was unlawful, but, who were you to neglect an invitation with spencer reid? until then, your mornings are all mondays. stuck in an endless february. unable to move on from what should be yours.

you meet his gaze, regretting it almost immediately. knowing the lethal effects he had on you, like some sort of drunkenness that had turned you into a barely functioning alcoholic. his eyes change, his smile differs. he swallows, clearing his throat.

“we can’t do this anymore.” he speaks, his voice sounds brittle and unsure. you don’t break eye contact. you listen intently to his words.

“my wife…my wife knows that i don’t stay late at the BAU as much as i say i do.”

“im a profiler, i can lie but- it doesn’t take away from the fact that this can’t happen anymore.”

“i mean you know how i feel about you, i just- i just can’t keep up with the ruse. i love you and it’s ruining my life.”

your eyes widen at the last sentence, appalled. you tried to decipher spencer’s words. reading between the lines, seeking for some sort of clue that hinted towards the truth. if he loves you, why can’t he stay?

“okay…can we at least stay friends?” you ask him cautiously. even if it meant no more sneaking around, his eyes would at least stay in your life.

spencer swallowed harshly, your eyes lingering over his adam’s apple as he does so. he looks uncertain. you figure maybe his wife was the one with the real issue, not him. you wanted to kill her.

“sure” his voice was slightly above a whisper. he looked away. almost as if, if he continued to hold your gaze he’d had no choice but to give in. that’s what you wanted him to do, to cave in, like always. you wondered if this would be the last fortnight spent with him, and suddenly, realization hit you like a 10 ton truck. you looked down as well, confidence derailing.

“but you’re still my best friend, spence” your voice was nearly a whimper, sounding like a wounded dog. you look up at him with glassy eyes. tilting you head to the side slightly, eyebrows furrowed as you try to control your emotions. you look down, hands fidgeting nervously.

“yes, of course…we just can’t have those benefits anymore” he wants to do nothing more than to grab you and hold you in his arms. to say sorry for everything he had put your through. instead he looks to the waiter.

“check, please” he clears his throat and hopes the sound of his tearing heart isn’t too loud as you look up to look at him with tear rimmed eyes. you bite your bottom lip to stop it from trembling. spencer pays the tab, leaving a generous tip. you get up from your seat, incapable to look at spencer in the eye.

you don’t notice him stepping towards you. your breath hitches as you stare up at him, the closest you’ve been to him all night. his calloused hand cups your cheek, fingers tracing your face, to your under eye. you blink, cursing yourself internally as a tear slips. you look away. he sighs, wiping the tears carefully with his thumb.

“im sorry, you know what i’d do if i could…if things were different” his words are just more salt to fresh cuts. even if he sounded regretful, even if he was sorry, you still had the right to be sad.

“it’s fine, you aren’t mine, i shouldn’t be this sad” you harshly take a step back, wiping your eyes with the back of your hand. his mouth stays slightly agape at your sudden movement. he bites down at his lip, sighing, admitting defeat. you were right, he was never yours and you were never his. two parallel lines who never got the chance to see what could’ve been if the circumstances were different.

he had corrupted you, nights that belonged to only you would fade into a memory. the touches that lasted a fortnight. the feeling of his hands in your hair, your clothes on his bedroom floor.

you loved him, and it was ruining your life.

“goodbye, reid” you tone was purposefully cruel, and the choice of using his last name. you looked at him for a second, fighting the instinct of kissing him as a goodbye. he stared with pitiful eyes as you walked away, bell chiming as you opened and closed the door. for a moment he regretted everything said, wishing to just run away and live in the mountains, to follow through on that quiet life you had both talked about when the night passed 3am. tangled in bedsheets. he curses his eidetic memory for remembering your tearful expression, comparing it to the soft, sweet smile you had on every time you left him. can he erase every curve, every dimple he knew you had, every tiny change in your expression he could read like a book, over and over? no, he will be cursed with the gift of knowing, just like you’ll be cursed with the sound of his voice. soft and tender, the sound of his whispers of foreign words against your ear.

“Я тебя обожаю.” his voice is quiet, nose brushing against your neck as he places soft kisses against it. you giggle at the ticklish feeling, grabbing his face delicately to stop him.

“what does that mean?” you ask with a smile, pressing gentle kisses to the bridge of his nose, his face heating up in your hands.

“i adore you” he grins, leaning against your hand and kissing it.

“i know that but what does the sentence mean?” he rolls his eyes as you break out laughing, throwing your head over his shoulder, giggling as if it was the funniest joke you had ever told. you look up at him, both of you grinning widely as he places a proper kiss against your lips.

he loved you, it was ruining his life.

[myluvrrhea]

hey! I'm glad your requests are open, well, I wanted to ask for one from Rhea x fem!reader where the reader is a model and friend with Rhea's benefits, so when they agree to go out together the reader ends up meeting Judgment Day and Damian become interested in her which makes Rhea jealous. (the ending can be whatever you want)

Embrace Me

Pairings - Rhea Ripley x Model!Reader

warnings - Jelousy, Rhea’s kinda toxic at the beginning, oral , I think thats it but tell me If I missed any

word count - 1.6k , Gif Creds

A/N - this is my first time writting smut so it might be rlly bad. But I also wanted to say that im still taking and doing requests:)

P.S - This is not proofread

You watched as Rhea pulled a girl towards her locker room. Towards you. As she walked by , hand in hand with someone else , she made eye contact with you. A sly smirk planted in her face. God you wished you were the only one. The only one she wanted at least. But how could you be? She made everyone’s heart flutter. She just had that effect on people. And to say you were jealous was an understatement. You wanted her to be yours and her to be yours. And you would be sure of that happening.

You and Rhea were a friends with benefits type of thing. if you could even call it that. She treated you like you were the only person that mattered in her life. But of course you weren’t. She had others yeah , but she assured you that you’re her favorite. And you thought that for a while. Until you saw her laughing and giggling with another girl. That wasn’t you. Your eyes rolled as you heard the woman call Rhea Rhe-Rhe. Why was she even calling her that? Didn’t they meet a couple minutes ago? You tried distracting yourself with your phone, but it couldn’t hold in the anger that rushed through your veins. You wished you scream your lungs out when she walked past you. Hand in hand. With another woman. 

Location - home

As you washed your makeup and headed to bed , you heard your phone buzz. Looking at your phone you read the id of the message. 

Rhea ❤️‍🔥

You up rn?

You felt your eyes roll as you read the message. 

Y/N💕🫧

I wouldn’t be reading this if i wasn’t and why?

You placed your phone back down as you waited for an answer , but were surprised when the phone buzzed a minute later.

Rhea ❤️‍🔥

You wanna meet up at mine? Room 253

Y/N💕🫧 

Why are you asking me that don’t you have other girls to keep you company “Rhe-Rhe “🥺

Rhea❤️‍🔥

I see your still stuck in that🙄

Whatever its your choice of you want to meet me ,or not

And if not Ill just find someone else to keep me company 

You felt like your heart stopped for a second at the last text. Was she serious? You felt as if time stopped and you could just imagine Rhea with someone else. You couldn’t bare that thought. You rolled your eyes as you threw your phone on the hotel bed. You quickly got ready to meet Rhea. Putting on light makeup, sweatpants and a tight shirt. “Just how she liked it” you thought.

You grabbed your keycard and phone as you locked the door behind you. 

After quiet awhile , you found Rhea’s room and knocked on the door feeling a hint of sadness at the thought of what Rhea had texted you.  You were quickly put out of your trance as you saw the black haired women’s standing form in the doorway. A smirk formed on her face as she looked you up and down.

“ I see you made the right decision ,” she spoke as she led  you into her room. 

“Whatever , what did you need me here for?” you questioned.

“Well I was hoping that you could be my girlfriend?” 

“Did I hear that right?” I thought. Did she really want to be my girlfriend or would she just use me. These thoughts ran through my mind as rhea fidgeted with her hands. Trying to figure out a way for you to be hers.

“Look , I know that flirting with another girl wasnt the best Idea ,and i know I said I wasnt willing to get into a relationship, but I really want to try to be in one with you. If not we can forget it never happened I just-,” Rhea’s rambling was cut off by you attaching your lips to hers. 

“Of course I’ll be yours Rhea ,” You spoke when you pulled away from her.

Time skip

Waking up felt like heaven. And being next to Rhea felt surreal. You wished you could  be in this moment forever. Cuddling with Rhea as she slept peacefully. It was something you never thought you would imagine from her. It had only been a couple weeks that you two had been dating , but it felt like years that you two have been together and better yet known each other. 

You yawned as you looked at Rhea’s sleeping figure. You tied to sitting up, but were instead blocked by Rheas arms hugging your waist and blocking your way.

“Where do you think you’re going with ought me?” She spoke. Her voice horse and raspy , which made your heart beat faster.

“Didn’t you say we were going to meet The Judgment Day? It’s already 8:13am we have to be there by 9:00” You said as you traced her arm tattoos. As she played with your hair.

“Well then let’s get ready if then my love,” She answered back as she removed her hands from your waist. 

Time skip

Taking Rheas hand , you hopped out of her truck. You two had arrived at a nearby restaurant. You and Rhea walked hand into the restaurant and I immediately made eye contact with a man with tattoos and braids. Do I know him from somewhere? My thoughts were cut short as Rhea lead me to the table The Judgment Day was at. Which , surprisingly was the table with the guy I made eye contact with.

As we sat down , Rhea greeted the boys as she introduced me. 

“I think Ive seen you on  a magazine somewhere?” Dominik said as he took in my appearance. I smiled as I explained my modeling job to him. We made a small conversation as Finn , Damian  and Rhea talked and laughed. 

Dominik also explained his job as a wrestler as well as him finn and Damian. So thats where I know him from. I thought to myself. Although Damian was in a conversation of his own, for some reason he kept looking my way. Did I do something? Why did he keep looking out me instead of Rhea while he was talking to her?

After eating , We all walked outside towards put cars. But before I could follow Rhea, Damian asked if we could talk. I raised my eyebrow as I looked at Rhea , her giving me the okay before I walked with Damian. Before I knew it we were next to his car. 

“So what did you want to talk about?” You asked him.

“I wanted to ask for your number,” He replied.

Suddenly everything clicked. Thats why he was looking at you…

He came closer to your face as he began to speak again. “Look , I know we hardly know each other , but I just want-,” Damian was cut off by a deep Australien voice. Turning around I saw the figure of Rhea. And she didnt look too pleased by the whole interaction. But she chose to hide her anger with a smile.

“Sorry , we have somewhere to be,” Rhea spoke with a smile. Although her voice sounded anything but happy. 

I followed Rhea into the car. As Rhea sat in the drivers seat, she began talking.

“What was that about hm?” She spoke , her eyes never leave the road. I could hear the jealousy in her voice as she talked. 

“I dunno Rhea lets just talk about it at the hotel,” you replied.

- at the hotel ( NSFW WARNING )

“P-please..” I breathed out as Rheas finger brushed against my heat. I needed her. But she wasn’t going down that easily. At least not right now.

“You really think you deserve this after what happened back there?” Rhea asked you. Her voice was soft and low. Slowly Rhea’s hands grabbed the waistband of my panties as she pulled them down. 

I whimpered as the cold air hit my clit. She looked up at me as a sly grin grew on her face. Withought warning she put both her index and middle finger into my wetness, making me squirm as she pushed my hips back down into the mattress.

I led out a lengthy moan as she moved her hands at a slow pace. It wasn’t much but god did it make you go feral. You broke the eye contact from Rhea as you felt yourself getting closer. 

“Nuh-uh eyes on me ,baby,” Rhea spoke as she stopped her movements completely.

You looked down as you felt a tear roll down your cheek. You felt relief when Rhea put both fingers back into your aching whole. But this time instead of going slow, her movements were a faster than before. The sounds coming out of your mother’s were outright pornographic, making rhea smirk. She loved seeing this side of you.

You felt Rheas lips connect to your clit as she began sucking and licking. You were clutching onto her scalp as she drew out the most pornography moans.

“oh my goddddd,” you moaned as you felt your orgasm approaching.

“Demi—please,” 

She slapped your thigh at the name , making you jolt from the sudden pain.

“Try again,” She said in a stern voice as she settled herself back in between your legs. She began to kitten lick your clit as she waited for an Answer.

“Mami p-please,” I spoke, almost breathless as she began putting more pressure on my clit. Licking and sucking

I squeezed Rheas hand as I felt my orgasm Approaching. 

“Cmom pretty girl, let it out,” Rhea spoke almost immediately.

My head fell back onto the silk pillows as I came on Rheas face. 

Rhea got up from her knees, getting a wet rag from the bathroom. When she was done cleaning me up, she washed her face and laid down next to me. Holding me to her chest. God you wished you two could stay like this forever. In her embrace

[kokonut3953]

“Go to bed, Goggles!” Insomniac!Varian X Reader

__________________________

Hi, my little marshmallows! Thank you to alchemicalwerewolf for the request! This post was SUPPOSED to go out 3 days ago, on Varian’s birthday, but it’s coming out of March 27 because I’ve been REALLY sick. Like. Im struggling here 😭😭😭…AAAANYWAYS. Let’s go!!

Y/N’s pronouns: They/them

Type: Fluff, angst

Warning: Swear words

DISCLAIMER: I’m not very knowledgeable about insomnia, I might get information wrong.

__________________________

You’re over at your boyfriend’s lab. It’s 2 am as of now and you’re *trying* to get him to go to sleep.

“C’mon, goggles. When was the last time you went to sleep? I’m asking seriously.” Y/N crosses their arms.

“Hmmm…I went to bed three days ago…that’s enough, right?”

“N-No, it’s really not…” Y/N just stares.

“It’s enough for me, sweetie! I’m not even tired!” He yawns.

“V, you’re yawning. Of course you’re tired. You can’t just ignore your needs.”

“Oh please, (nickname)! I’ll be fine, no worries! It’s all worth it for alchemy!” Varian takes a sip of the hot cocoa that Y/N made for him.

“Varian, you know I can’t let you fuck around and find out what happens with no sleep. You’re going to pass out in the daytime. That’s what always happens to me. I know you only sleep like- once a week. And you know I can’t let you do that.”

Varian lets out a small yawn. “Even so, I can almost never go to sleep. I…I just can’t. Even if I could, I can’t yet. Not while my father is still encased.” An angry look is plastered on his face.

“Varian…please, listen to me. I…no matter what you do, I will stand beside you. But I can’t see you push yourself like this. You can work on freeing your dad tomorrow, okay?” Y/N brushes Varian’s hair out of his face. “Please, goggles? Go to bed?”

“Y/N…I-I’m sorry, but I can’t listen to you. I know what’s right. I’m going to free my father, I don’t care how long it’ll take. I’ll sacrifice weeks worth of sleep before I even think of going to bed for 8 hours.”

He mixes up a chemical, before pouring it on the amber…he waits. “C’mon…c-c’mon-please…” Y/N and Varian watch closely. The chemical evaporates, not doing anything. Varian’s body tenses up, before tears roll down his face. He pounds his fist on the amber.

“FUCK! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.” As Varian pounds his fist on the amber, he starts to bleed. Y/N drags him away.

“Goggles! You’re going mad! You’re not yourself right now!” Y/N grabs and hugs him.

“No…no…no no no nonononono…i-it’s not…why didn’t it work? I-I-It was supposed to work. It’s not right. I-It’s not…” Varian just stares at the chemical.

After hyperventilating for a bit, Varian hugs back.

“Y/N…I didn’t want to tell you this, but…I’m scared.”

“Scared?”

“Terrified. What if…what if I never see my father again? What if…he’s stuck here f-for years? The rest of my life, even?” *Varian starts shaking.

Y/N removes their headphones and puts them on Varian. “Varian, I know you’ll see your dad. I know you’ll find a way. You’re so smart. You can do it, I believe in you. But…out of good conscience, I can’t let you do this without going to bed. Please, Varian.”

Varian pauses “W-Will you cuddle me before I sleep?”

Y/N smiles, before kissing his cheek. “Of course I will. I won’t leave you.”

“Then…fine. I’ll go to bed…”

“Good.” Y/N picks up the 5’2 (A/N: I’M NOT JOKING, HE’S 5’2…GOOGLE IT.) boy and leads him to bed. They cuddle him tightly. Kissing his forehead.

Though Varian finds it extremely difficult, he starts drifting off to sleep.

Y/N and Varian fall asleep together. Varian sleeps for the first time in three days.

__________________________

Oooookay! We are done! alchemicalwolf, I hope that was good enough! I haven’t been writing fics for too long, oneshots are a bit tricky to me. I will get better with time!!!!

Soooo everyone, please give me more requests (in either the comments or my ask box) so I can write for you guys and improve my writing! Bye-bye for now, my little marshmallows!

[astermath]

sweet like you🍓pt. 2

pairing: carmen berzatto x fem!reader

summary: carmen helps you out with perfecting your pastries to present them to your boss. you spend time getting to know each other in the place he knows best; the kitchen. things take a slight turn when you get back to your apartment.

word count: 3.1K

PART 1

notes: I really enjoy writing carmen tbh, I guess writing him is my way to giving his character some peace outside of his usually extremely stressful life. this got suuuper long im so sorry sdfgshj i got kinda carried away.  let me know if you’d like to be added to the tag list for further carmen berzatto related content!

warnings: mentions of suicide/death, addiction, use of alcohol, cursing

Carmen hated nights.

At least during the day, he was forced to do things, be productive, talk to people, keep his mind occupied. But at night, it was just him. Alone with his thoughts. The only thing keeping him company his cynical mind and deranged dreams.

That night was no different.

Carmen woke up in a cold sweat, hand clutching at his chest as he sat up. He nearly gasped for air, and upon noticing how shaky he was, got up to splash his face with cold water. That didn’t help much either, so he went to his balcony (if one could even call it that), and lit a cigarette. The sun was already coming up, and he knew he wasn’t getting much sleep again feeling like this.

He sighed, smoke emitting from his nose as he pulled out his phone. You’d replied already, even given a time. Reading your words made him feel slightly more at ease, slightly more... Real. A reminder of his obligations to the people around him, but also, and he’d never admit this, something to look forward to.

[carmen]: absolutely, see you then

Your next shift went by smoothly, as per usual. The French themed café you worked at had become such a big part of your life, not that you minded, you were in love with it. And as much as she’d deny it, you could tell the owner had taken a liking to you. You heard from the barista that most waitresses would get fired within a month or so, but you’d stuck around for three now. 

“She said you have a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’... I think you remind her of her younger self.” Your colleague said while pouring out a cup of coffee. 

“Right,” you took a tray and readied another order. “You sure you didn’t imagine that? I don’t remember Odette ever saying something nice to me before.”

“Not to your face, no.” She grinned, putting the cup on your tray. “I’m sure you’ll get her to put some of your stuff on the menu, she just has to warm up to it.”

“Yeah, just,” you grabbed the tray, balancing it with ease. “Give me a few decades to work her through that.” You both chuckled as you walked off to continue your work.

Carmen stood across the street, looking through the window of the café. Shit, he was way too early, and that wasn’t even usually like him. He’d left the Beef over to Sydney while he was gone, telling her he had something important to take care of. And although that wasn’t entirely untrue, he wasn’t sure she’d agree if she found out he was hanging out at some café.

He slipped into the place rather sneakily, deciding that if he was gonna have to wait, he might as well do it in there. It had been a while since he’d been inside, usually just to get a quick coffee or something, and he’d never paid much attention to the décor before. He was kind of impressed, despite being smack dab in the middle of Chicago, the café had a true Parisian feel too it. Sure, he’d never been to Paris, but he could imagine this was pretty close.

He sat down at a booth near a window and stared outside. He felt a bit uneasy just... waiting. There were so many things he still had to do, so many debts to pay off, things to consider, to change--

“Carmen? Is that you?” 

Your voice snapped him out his train of thoughts, it almost felt like a ray of sunshine breaking through a dark cloud. He turned and saw you holding a menu, dressed in a cute dress and an apron. 

“Yeah, I uh... Got here a bit too early, my bad.” He gave an apologetic, halfhearted smile. 

“It’s no worries,” you handed him the menu. “You can just enjoy a coffee or something while you wait! What would you like?” You pulled out a notepad and a pen.

“Oh, uh... Christ...” His eyes squinted as he scanned the laminated menu. “Am I goin’ crazy or is this all in French?”

“Nope,” You chuckled. “It is. When I told you the menu hadn’t changed, I meant really, nothing has changed.”

“Fuck, alright, uhm... Just a regular coffee then.” He handed the menu back. “Please.”

“Comin’ right up!” You chirped, and he watched you make your merry way back into the kitchen. He could’ve sworn you damn near floated by how excited you seemed. He didn’t really understand it. You worked a waitress job where you weren’t allowed to change anything, you had to work early on Saturdays to help your family out and he could have guessed you probably still had time to maintain a healthy social life. It almost annoyed him how well balanced you seemed.

But someone as cute as you couldn’t possibly annoy him. 

He received his coffee not long after, thanking you and admiring the porcelain for a moment. The more he noticed about this place, the more... Uneasy he felt. He didn’t realize why, and he kept mulling it over until long after he’d finished his drink.

Ah.

Because the Beef looked like a garbage dump compared to this.

And he owned that garbage dump.

He hated himself a little for comparing the two, they weren’t comparable at all besides both serving food and drinks, but the fact that you were only two blocks away didn’t help. And he was about to be helping you too, his competition.

The crew would kill him if they knew where he was at.

You worked on closing up, cleaning a few last cups and arranging them neatly before walking back to Carmen’s table. “Hope you enjoyed your coffee my good sir, but I must request you to join me in the kitchen, for I have prepared a mighty array of desserts for thou.” You grinned.

“Alright, alright, I get it.” He got up, ready to follow. “Don’t I gotta pay for that coffee?”

“S’on the house. Come on, we’ve got pastries to try!”

The kitchen closely resembled the rest of the establishment, although much more homely. It was small, doable, but just a little cramped. 

You pulled out two stools for the two of you to sit on, before going to the fridge and taking out a tray. “Alright, so...” You put it down on the counter. “Here we’ve got classic cheesecake with a cinnamon cookie crust,” you pointed at each dessert, “a cream strawberry tart, and last but not least,” your fingers fluttered in a ‘jazz hands’ way, “tiramisu topped with fresh strawberries.”

Carmen scanned the tray before him. The presentation was immaculate, but he found that often with these types of desserts the looks were better than the taste. He hoped that wasn’t the case.

You sat across him, more nervous than you initially expected to be, as he tried each of the desserts. He had some notes about each one, as expected, you were just an amateur cook, but you could tell his eyes lit up a little when he tried the tiramisu. 

“Mm,” He hummed, putting his spoon back in for another bite. “Shit, that’s fire chef...”

“Chef?” You raised an eyebrow. No one had ever called you that before.

“Sorry,” He swallowed, “Freudian slip, my bad.”

You chuckled. “No, no, I don’t mind... The tiramisu is a family recipe, actually. My nana used to make it all the time.” A nostalgic smile graced your face. 

“Those are usually the best.” He thinks back at the food him and Mikey used to make when they were younger, and somehow, it makes the tiramisu taste even better. “So, anything else you wanna add?”

“Oh!” You were a little caught off guard by his question. “Uhm, well... Now that you mention it, I’d love to add macarons, to play into the French theme of the café. I’ve just never been able to get them right, and trust me, I’ve tried.”

Carmen puts away the empty glass cup. “Do you want me to teach you?”

“Huh?” You were sure you misunderstood at first, but the look he gave you was telling you he was at least expecting an answer. “Uh... Sure, yeah! I’d love to! I think we still have all the ingredients here from my last attempt too.”

“Great.” He got up, clasping his hands together. “Let’s get to bakin’, chef.”

The two of you stood next to each other at the counter. His jacket was off, now replaced with a baby pink frilly apron, supposedly the only one you had. You’d been relatively quiet, mostly focusing on taking his advice and following instructions. But as he was sifting almond powder, and you were beating egg whites, he had this strange urge to fill the silence. It was weird, usually he preferred working quietly, but it was almost strange to hear you not talking when you were there.

“So... You’re not from Chicago, are you?” He kept his eyes on the sifter.

You grinned, still whisking away. “What gave it away?”

“You smile a lot,” he took the bowl from you and held it upside down to check the consistency of the egg whites, “and I haven’t seen you light a single cigarette.” He put the bowl back and started weighing off some sugar. “So either you’re not from here, or I want whatever drugs you’re taking.”

You chuckled at his remark, finding his self deprecating humor quite amusing. “No, you’re right. I grew up on my parents’ farm, though it’s not too far from here, I never really came close to the city. Moved here about three months ago, so I haven’t explored much.” You took the sugar from him and gradually started adding it to the egg whites. “What about you? Born and raised?”

“What gave it away?” He joked back. “Born, raised, moved away for culinary school, worked in New York, now I’m back.” He sighed. Being back in Chicago was... Strange. Because after not having seen his brother for literal years, he was now constantly confronted with everything that reminded him of Mikey. Including his business.

“Interesting.” You started working together the mixture, sneaking glances at his face every now and then to gage his reaction. “So... What brought you back?”

A longer silence followed your question, and you could tell his hands even stopped moving for a moment. Suddenly he seemed tense, and you worried if your question had struck a cord. 

He swallowed, eyes fixated on the ingredients before him. “My brother.”

“Oh! Well, I’m sure he’s happy to see you back.” You offered a kind smile.

“Yeah, I uh... I’m not sure he would be.” He glanced at you, eyes quickly darting back to the vanilla extract he was measuring out, uncomfortable with eye contact when he talked about Mikey. “He died.” His eyebrow twitched slightly. “Suicide.”

You stop whisking for a moment to look at him, and you can tell his face had reddened. You feel awful for pressing him on such a sensitive subject, but you had no idea.

The two of you continue to prepare the batter in complete silence for a good minute. Both of you feel bad. Him, for dumping this information on you, and you, for even asking about it.

“I’m sorry,” you speak up, filling up a piping bag with batter, “I had no idea.”

“S’okay,” He runs his hand through his hair, a nervous tic, almost. “I’ve been trying to talk more about it. Especially since I kinda run his business now.”

“Well, if it counts for anything,” You give him another sweet smile, and this time, it does actually make him feel a little better. Silently, he wished they could put the feeling your smiles gave in pills, so he could take those instead. “I think he’d be proud of you.”

He doesn’t reply. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because he doesn’t know if he agrees. He doesn’t know what Mikey would think, and from what he’s heard from Richie, he’s not even sure if he would recognize the person his brother had become through his addiction. But the possibility is there, and you reminding him of it was enough. For now, at least.

He noticed you struggling with the piping bag and got behind you, hands sneaking over yours to help you hold it correctly. “There we go.”

Carmen doesn’t seem to notice how close he is to you. Or how warm your face had gotten. Or how the way he smelled was distracting you from listening to what he was saying. Cigarettes, coffee and sandalwood... A strange, but not unappealing mix of scents. 

You turn your head just a slight bit and catch a glimpse of his blue eyes. They were so bright, piercing almost, but they held such a profound sadness behind them. You wondered what else they held, what other stories he struggled to talk about.

Carmen noticed you weren’t watching what you were doing and looked up, accidentally meeting your eyes now. And then he realized how close he was, cheeks growing flushed like a teenage boy as he let go of your hands and took a step back, clearing his throat. “Shit, uh... My bad.”

You chuckled nervously. “It’s fine, I appreciate the help.” You leaned down to preheat the oven.

“Yeah… Anytime.”

A while after, the two of you were presented with perfect, pink tinted macarons. You smile proudly, hands on your hips as you admire the final product in front of you. “Man, we really nailed those, huh?”

Carmen smiles, a little sleepily. It was starting to get dark outside and he hadn’t even had dinner yet, but he felt bad about having to interrupt your baking session. Usually when he was in the kitchen he was focused, collected, he was making a product that he had to be proud of. But he’d been open to you, he’d laughed, he almost felt… Relaxed. Maybe that’s why he was feeling sleepy.

That, or the insane lack of sleep was catching up to him once more.

You looked outside and noticed that the sun was going down. “Shit, how long have we been here?” You checked the time on your phone. “Fuck, I’m so sorry, I had no idea it already got this late... Uh, if you want I’ll drive you home?”

“Yeah, that would be--” His sentence got cut off by the sound of his stomach growling loudly. The two of you stayed quiet for a moment as Carmen put a hand over his abdomen, clearing his throat, a little embarrassed. “Sorry, I uh... I haven’t eaten anything today besides those desserts earlier.”

Now you really felt guilty. Not only had you kept him at the café for way longer than you should have, but you were nearly making the poor guy starve. “Tell ya what,” You handed him his jacket and took off your apron. “How ‘bout you come back to my apartment and I’ll make us both dinner. I’m no expert chef like you, but I can cook a mean pasta!”

He hesitated for a moment. He hadn’t been to someone else’s apartment in so long, let alone someone he was interested in. But he supposed it was better than being alone in his apartment again, probably heating up a shitty frozen meal because he was too tired to cook.

Your apartment was nice. Well, nicer than his at least, although that probably didn’t mean much. For only having lived there for three months, he could tell you’d really added your own touch to the place.

“Welcome to mi casa!” You playfully bowed, allowing him to enter and closing the door behind you two. You tossed your keys onto the counter and took off your coat, ready to get to cooking. “You can settle on the couch, put something on, I got Netflix if you want. I’ll have dinner made in just a sec!”

Carmen moved with caution. This was... Unknown territory. He knew you were probably just being friendly, but this was a pretty big step for him. He had his boundaries, his walls firmly set, and you were jumping over them like it was nothing. It was just... Easier with you, somehow. To open up, to talk.

Not long after he’d chosen something to watch, you arrived with two deep plates of pesto pasta with mozzarella and diced tomatoes. “There we go, I always make this when I don’t feel like cooking.” You handed him a plate and a fork, before settling down next to him. Your couch wasn’t that big, so your shoulders were touching the entire time.

The two of you were watching a cooking competition, something you didn’t realize would revitalize Carmen so much. Not because he liked it so much, but because he was so focused on the mistakes the contestants were making, and felt the need to point every single one of them out to you. Your two plates stood empty on the coffee table, along with a bottle of red wine and two, very empty glasses. 

“Now, see this,” he pointed at the TV, “can’t believe they’re even allowed to air this, this is a disgrace to cooking. The fuckin’ idiot hasn’t touched a single spice this entire episode!”

The both of you were both kind of tipsy, and you were leaning against him now, smiling to yourself as you tried to withhold laughter from every serious comment he made.

“And now--” He looked at you and realized you were hanging on for dear life not to break out in giggles. “What’s so funny?” He asked with a grin.

“N-Nothing, nothing!” You chuckled, leaning away from him so he wouldn’t see your expression.

“Ah, so now we’re shy!” He poked your side, the wine doing wonders for his confidence. “Come on, let’s hear those laughs then!” He continued poking you, and you couldn’t take it anymore, the ticklish sensation making you squirm. You grabbed his arm and pulled it away from your abdomen, making him fall forward onto the couch. He caught himself, hand resting on the armrest, now leaning over you.

You looked up at him, and god, maybe it was the alcohol speaking, but you swore he’d never looked hotter. Leaned over you, curls framing his face, strong arms surrounding you. His gorgeous blue eyes staring down into yours, tension growing between the two of you.

So you couldn’t help yourself.

You leaned up, capturing his lips in yours, a hand coming up to rest on the back of his head to pull him in further.

He froze, eyes only fluttering shut after a few seconds, melting into the kiss as his hand came down to rest on your waist. His mind ran blank, nothing plaguing his mind anymore, all besides one thought;

“Damn. She tastes even sweeter than those strawberries.”

tag list <3

@beebslebobs @thatone-brightstar   @spr3id   @deadandstill  

[stuffeddeer]

hello deery, back like i promised lmao

as much as i love silly goofy buddy dazai, deluded possessive and lowkey scary dazai is my fav 🙏 he's such a silly guy with reader, then turns right around and destroys their entire life. then hes like :O omg thats so horrible, so what im hearing is you have more time to spend with me? seeing as all your friends left for reasons unknown, your family wont even look at you. but dw, i'll never leave :)

BWHAHA im not good at this stuff, but your characterization of dazai is my fav in general, such versatility, we love to see it

have a great day :D

-🩵 anon

HES MY least FAVE TOO ugh 🩵anon you get me

“I’m sorry, lovely. That’s so horrible…” Dazai’s knuckles softly rub against your jaw, his skin soothing you as you try to halt your tears.

“It just— ” you hiccup, “ —just feels like everyone’s leaving me!”

The brunet pulls you closer, practically sitting in his lap as his hands move around your torso. “Shh, shh…” He gently wipes away your remaining tears, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

You let out an embarrassed chuckle before nodding. “You’re the only one. Not even my boss wanted me around, I can tell. It’s like she was waiting for me to mess up so she could fire me.”

“That’s not true…”

“How would you know?” The words were genuine, like you were looking for him to explain that it was the work of fate or your shitty coworker you always complained about.

Well, it's because Dazai was the one to get you fired. Your boss was too fond of you, something he simply couldn't have. Plus, work hours always took up your time, time that should be spent with him. Honestly, you didn't need a job, anyway: Dazai would be happy to provide for you and make you dependent on him.

Instead of explaining any of this, he pressed another kiss to your head before pulling you in for a tight hug. “You’re a hard worker. And you’re a wonderful person. If none of your friends want to be in your life, well, I do. So I guess you’ll just have to spend time with me.”

It’s his attempt at lightening the mood, you’re sure of it. A chuckle passes your lips before you can stop it, shifting in his hold so you can hug him back just as tightly. “You’re all I have, so now you’re stuck with me.”

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

oh he’s the worst i need him

he’ll cradle you so sweetly, telling you alllll the good things about yourself!!!

n when you get all confident and hey! maybe you are good enough, maybe you should look into making new friends! ones that won’t leave you so easily 🙄

well,

he’s there to remind you just how heartbroken your last ones left you. your very own flesh and blood cut you out so easily! maybe dazai is the only one who can truly love you for who you are.

he’s not saying it to be mean! he just wants you to know what you’re getting yourself into. he’s always been so smart, too…. well, you guess he’s right.

if you’re a bit more stubborn or masochistic, maybe you don’t gaf!!! put you back in the ring you wanna try again!!!!!

ugh. okay. i mean, dazai did so much for you... y’know, when you lost your job and he insisted let you move in with him, dazai was trying to be a good friend, but... whatever, if you don’t need him anymore than you can just get your own place. oh, you still haven’t found a job? well, since you’re so sure of yourself, you can just get a new one. you can be out by tomorrow, right? you know dazai would’ve liked to go out and make friends during the time he’s been working to keep a roof above the both of your heads and keeping you company after everyone left you. maybe he’s starting to see why they did, since you’re so selfish— 

...

you decided not to go out!

that’s probably when he realizes he should begin moving your relationship along a bit quicker. he’ll flirt with you in the exact way he knows you respond to best (whether that's words of affirmation, teasing, physical touch, etc); he'll bring you back pastries and cute trinkets he saw on his way home from work… his courting is a little eerie, bc he also acts like you two are already dating???? "you're staying in my home, of course i assumed we'd be having dinner tonight. i even learned to cook your favorite— " like he 100% just assumes shit but it always works out bc . well, what else were you doing?

this includes sharing a bed btw. he probably started w having you take his and he takes the couch (a true gentleman) and then maybe he gets another bed and makes a guest room for you... but, well, since you both are so close and it's so cold in his apartment, maybe you can just spend one night with him? It Was Not One Night

if you catch on and reciprocate, oh he's over the moon!!!! his love giving him affection? oughhh.. you're staying in his room in his arms and he's just breathing you in, reminding himself you're still there... it'd be actually kinda sweet if he didn't orchestrate this whole thing

if you catch on (or don't lmao) and deny him? .............

desperate times desperate measures or whatever they say

he locks you in his room for mandatory cuddles, will not give you food if you stick to one side of the room and refuse to let him hold you, he starts pulling away and spewing words he knows will hurt you so you feel so alone and unloved only to turn around and love bomb you.... it's horrific tbh

i'm so sorry . just... go along w it for now pls ❤️

also i mentioned that he'd bring up how you don't have a job and he's the one working hard to pay for your expenses but he's just being a brat. he caught you looking at help wanted ads one time and pretty much cried in your lap about how upset he is that you don't feel his care is adequate enough and only stopped when you promised not to get another job

he's gross :( get out of there

[thetorturedbuckydepartment]

bonus - chapter eleven: he better lock it down*

pairing: Bucky barnes x plus-sized!reader

summary: Six months ago, you were appointed to be Head Nurse to the Avengers by Tony Stark. Every day, you count your lucky stars, knowing the horrible past you quickly ditched back in England. It holds you back, restrains you, from getting close to anyone when on your new job.

That's until you met and fell in love with Bucky Barnes. The supposed assassin with a heart of gold, who seems to be eager to get to know you. To peel back your layers piece by piece, but could you trust him once you're laid before him raw and vulnerable?

masterlist

PREVIOUS PART -- CHAPTER TEN: I DON'T WANT YOU LIKE A BEST FRIEND

warnings: smut(18+ PLEASE: thigh riding, one orgasm, dry humping, softdom!Bucky, praise(good girl), just soft smut tbh), feelings

word count: 3.5k

Taglist: @scott-loki-barnes @cjand10 @blackwidownat2814 @blackbirdwitch22 @laughterafter  @blackhawkfanatic @mcira @bxckybxrnes24 @rachellovesloki @toffeacademia @bean-bean2000 @lana525 @selella @lalalalokii

A/N: my first time publishing smut I wrote lol...hope it's not too bad?? idk I've never had an orgasm bc im sexually dysfunctional (yay hormones!) so im sorry if its wrong? my source is literally other smut fics! hope u enjoy the bonus chapter!! so excited for you guys to read

“Buck, I’m being serious, get closer.” You’re already shivering in bed, and Bucky just won’t budge the way you need him to. He’s helped you put on fuzzy socks, got out the extra thick duvet and has stuck to you like a second skin, and you’re still freezing.

“Doll, I can’t physically do that.” At this point, the sun’s begun to rise, the both of you still wide awake after catching approximately one hour of sleep, and you feel like you’re beginning to annoy Bucky. He kisses your hair lovingly, chuckling at how cold you are, even when you’re tightly pressed with your back to his chest. You just grumble, the past few days leaving you overly exhausted, and the subzero temperature truly isn’t helping. You’d think, having lived all your life in England you’d get used to it.

But you fear there’s no force on Earth that could’ve prepared you for the New York cold. 

“I have one idea. Do you trust me, doll? I promise, I won’t do anything you don’t want.” You grab his forearm with your free hand, the other encased in his metal one, your head resting against its bicep. The near silent whirs are extremely calming, and you find yourself wishing and praying that all of your responsibilities disappear, just so you can lay here with him. 

“Of course, Buck. Go ahead.” 

“Can I touch you?” His voice is a near whisper, a brand new edge to it that you had been teased with a few hours ago, when his thumb has pressed against your teeth as he commanded you to moan for him. 

“Yes.” After a moment’s pause, your voice comes out more breathy than expected, your heart already racing. He misinterprets it.

“Hey, don’t worry doll. It’s just me.” He rubs at your hip, kissing the shell of your ear. 

“I know. I…please, Buck. Touch me. Make me feel warm.” You feel your eyes close at he gently traces his hand down your thigh and grabbing the inside of it, almost missing the way he groans at the touch of your soft skin. You’re wearing nothing but his oversized T-shirt he all but begged you to wear, along with your panties, and dear God he’s been trying his best to act like it’s not driving him crazy for the past couple of hours. His fingers are so warm, your entire body shivers at the change in temperature. 

“Spread your legs for me, pretty baby. That’s it, good girl.” You can’t stop the whine that slips past your lips as you comply. You don’t know how you’ve gotten here, but in this state of mind you would do anything he asks, anything at all. 

He slips his thigh between the both of your legs, pressing it against right where they meet, and you suppose that’s the benefit of being a super soldier. Bucky’s body is like a warm furnace that is now attached to more of you than ever before, and you let out a sigh of relief and let your body fully relax against the mattress.

“That feel better, pretty girl?” God, his voice is so sexy, you could listen to it for hours and hours on end. 

“Uh huh. Much. Thanks, Buck. I’m so sorry I kept you up so late, I’m sure you must have so much work to do and I just wasted all of your precious sleeping time.” You pout, even though he can’t see you. 

He kisses the back of your neck again. “Not a single moment with you is wasted, doll. Plus I have the day off. I have this really sexy nurse taking care of me, right now. And she’s advised me to take a break today because of all of my injuries.”

“Mm, I think she also has a holiday. The last few shifts have been…rough, to say the least.”

It’s quiet for a while, and so you let your eyes close, finally ready to give in to the temptress of sleep, whispering so sweetly against your eyelids to just give in. 

“I’m sorry.” His voice is hard, unsteady. Heavy with the burden of guilt.

“Hey, what are you apologising for? It’s not your fault I was whisked away on a mission and then had to work a double shift the second I came back because Denise suddenly got food poisoning. Unless…you didn’t feed her that chicken did you?”

“Oh, God no. I wouldn’t touch her with a ten-foot barge pole with the way she’s treated you.” 

The both of you giggle at that, eyes still closed. You shuffle, ever so slightly to try and get more comfy against your personal radiator, and subconsciously grind your hips down. The friction is just right, and it makes you gasp. “S—Sorry, I’m just trying to—.”

“Do it again.” His voice is dark in a way that has your mouth parting, and your hips comply for you, before you can even think of a single word to move past your lips. You turn to bury your face in his arm, to stifle any noise you might make as you give in. Eager to please, eager to be pleased. 

He shudders, hand on your hip gripping tightly, almost making sure to leave a pretty bruise behind, a mark he was ever here, with you like this.

“Don’t hide your face baby. Let me hear you, let me hear all those pretty noises you make.” You’re already panting, eyes fluttering closed at his rough voice and sweet praise. 

“S—Sorry, I’m just a little shy, I think.” You don’t really know why you’re acting like this, so shy like you’ve never been touched. With a man who desires you as thoroughly as Bucky, it might as well be the case. You didn’t know that kissing him earlier tonight could feel like that, like the man is starved for your very soul. You didn’t know that even the slightest friction against where your legs meet could feel so delicious, leave you wide and aching for more. 

Even in such little touch and exploration, Bucky has made you feel a million times better that any previous partner ever could. At this point, you’re convinced he’s fucking magical, especially when he kisses the shell of your ear so sweetly, hand drifting to trace across your stomach. Fear temporarily seizes you, at the thought of what he might think as he touches you, and learns every nook and cranny of your body, the one that has been shunned and tolerated a million times over, so deeply ingrained that you almost can’t believe the next words to leave his lips.

“Don’t apologise for anything, beautiful. God, you feel so good under my hands, do you have any idea how long I’ve fucking waited to have you like this?” He ends the question with a rasp, the passion in his voice overtaking any rational thought he might want to have. His hands are practically shaking from holding back from you, knowing he wants to do nothing more than to turn you around and watch you as you make yourself cum all over his sweatpants, and finally find out which fantasies of his are true. 

“How long?” He guides your hips over his thigh yet again, and this time, your ass brushes up against something hard, and you can’t conceal the moan that tumbles out of your mouth, squeezing your eyes shut at the proof. That he wants this, that what he’s saying is true.

“Since the very first moment I saw you, balancing for dear life on that damn ladder.” He’s trying his best to control his own breath, but the sounds your making are just so beautiful, that he can barely contain himself. He’s heard these sounds before, through a paper thin wall and with heightened senses like a downright pervert, but to know that you trust him enough to lay with him, like this, and make those sounds right in front of him? He’s definitely losing his mind. Maybe he died on that last mission, maybe the Hydromanias had gotten to him and he’s dead. And somehow, somewhere, someone has granted him passage to heaven. His bed, with you.

He can’t bear it, he needs to look into your pretty eyes, to see your pupils dilate as you notice the lovestruck look on his face, to taste your moans and your lips just seconds after you’ve cum all over him. “Really?” Leaves you in a breath, as he turns the both of you around in a flash, so you’re facing him with his leg still pressed up against you.

“Yes. Why do you think I cooked you an entire meal to make sure you’d like me? If you were anyone else, I wouldn’t give a single shit.” Your hand reaches out, caressing his cheek as you stare into his eyes and wondering if another colour even exists aside from lust-hazed, love-tinged cobalt. There is no hesitation to his words, and you can’t help yourself. You shuffle in closer, your entire upper body pressed against his, and you kiss him. Softly, sweetly, like one would enjoy ice-cream on a scorching summer’s day. 

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve had a crush on you the second you didn’t let me fall off of it and break my arm.” You whisper against his lips and he closes his eyes, relishing in the feeling of you. 

“It does. You have no idea.” He kisses you again, this time it’s more passionate. You wind your fingers into his hair, softly scratching the nape of it as he moans shamelessly into your mouth, spurring you on. Maybe you don’t have to be shy.

“Take what you want from me. Please doll, I can’t take it any more. Fuck, please.” He moans against your lips and your lower body moves again, grinding against his thigh. How can you deny him when he begs so prettily? When he’s so clearly desperate for a taste, a touch of you? He pulls you in closer, cementing your chests together as he helps guide you.

It doesn’t take more than a minute for you to struggle to kiss him back, mouth hanging open as you let out a litany of sounds he wants nothing more than to absorb, for it to be the only song he ever hears for the rest of your life.

“Bucky…” When his name slips past your lips, he groans.

“Look at me, gorgeous.” He asks you to open your eyes, and you comply, grinding your hips faster and faster as the pressure builds so perfectly against your clit. 

Luckily, you and Bucky are the only two people to inhabit your floor, and so you forget to be quiet, using your voice so that he knows who it’s all for, who’s making you feel like this.

But it isn’t enough. As the hot pressure builds in your stomach and you feel yourself so close to the edge you want to cry, you just can’t do it. He mutters praises and kisses every part of you he can reach as you continue your salacious ministrations against his adored sweatpants. But still, you can’t cum, something keeps pulling you back the very second you find yourself on the precipice. 

“Bucky…please help. Please make me cum, I can’t do it by myself. Please…” Your moans get louder and louder as he smirks, abandoning the bruises he was planning to leave on your neck.

“Yeah, pretty girl? Does my pretty baby need help to make her cum?” His grin has your eyes rolling in the back of your head, being tipped back at his very words. You nod, trying your best to speed up. 

“My poor baby, so worked up…so needy…” He snakes a hand between the both of you, gently tracing your clit over your underwear. And you are so worked up in a frenzy, you’d do anything to feel his bare skin on yours, giving and taking whatever the fuck he needs. Whatever the fuck he wants. 

“Yes, yeah, all for you Buck—Only for you.” He takes you in for a brief moment, cheeks flushed and hair sticking to your forehead, yet eyes feral with a lust for only him, in a way that makes him feel like the most perfect man in the entire world. And he doesn’t even know that’s exactly what he is to you, because you can’t push it past your bruised throat from his hungry teeth or swollen lips from the way he desires you. 

And then he acts, pushing your panties to the side and finally giving you what you need, and you let out the loudest moan you’ve probably ever mustered in your entire life, as your back arches, pressing those perfect tits he’s dreamed about against his chest, his dog tags. His vibranium hand is so cold as he touches your frenzied heat, but you can’t ask him to switch, not when it feels so good. You begin to rut against his hand instead, coating it thoroughly with your arousal as he draws the most perfect circles on your clit. Your eyes gaze downward, eager to watch him as he gives you everything you’ve ever needed, eager to watch the way your thigh nudges against his erection. 

“You want me to keep going, baby?”

“Yes, don’t stop, please don’t stop, it feels so good, James, please.” You’re too focused on the glimmering gold and black dancing between your legs in the moonlight to register what you’ve just called him. 

“Fuck, say my name again, and look me in the eye this time, pretty girl.” You immediately obey, eyes flitting up to his as he rests his forehead against yours. “Your hand feels so fucking good, James. Much better than anything I’ve ever—oh.” He rubs even harder and faster, eliciting the most filthy sounds you’ve ever heard from your cunt, a wet squelching that brings heat to your cheeks. God, how does he do it? 

You watch his pupils dilate, his breath quicken as he never slows, watching you give in to your desires, ones you’ve denied yourself of for the longest time, as he too can’t hold himself back from grinding against your thigh in turn, content with just the look on your face as you’re mere seconds away from coming undone. “That’s it, pretty baby. You look so beautiful riding my hand like this.” And that’s all it takes to send your hurtling over the edge, clamping down on his wrist and still never looking away from him as your orgasm washes over you, bathing you in the most pleasure you’ve ever experienced and leaving your entire body trembling with the aftershocks.

 Maybe it’s the intimacy of having him care, of having him look into your eyes, entranced by the sight, by the person staring back at him. He swears he’s never seen anything prettier, never seen anyone look as beautiful as you do in this moment. When you come back to, he’ll tell you. For now, he’ll enjoy the way you seek more of his touch and squirm away from it at the same time as everything becomes too sensitive, but never breaking eye contact once.

That’s all it takes for him to cum as well, repeating your name over and over again like it’s his favourite prayer, his flesh hand coming up to caress your cheek gently, as it’s now your turn to watch him lose himself, staring at you like you’re the reason he can’t help but cum in his pants like a goddamn teenager. Your opal eyes are all he can think of, joining you to him in the most intimate way. He’s dreamed about this for so long, it almost doesn’t feel real. 

When a dopey grin overtakes his features and his head slumps back against the pillow, you kiss him. Gently, sweetly, like you have all the time in the world.

“I liked that.” You don’t know what else to say, burying your face in his neck. He chuckles, tugging at your hair ever so gently, an attempt to get you to look at him. 

Your eyes take him in, from his sweat-mussed hair to his parted and swollen lips. He looks ethereal. How is he not a figment of your imagination? You run your hand along the curve of his jaw, as he turns to press breathless kisses to your palm. 

You must be dreaming.

“I liked it too, pretty girl. More than you know.” You’re staring at his mouth, unable to stop the question from flying past your lips as you swipe your thumb over his.

“What are we, now?” His eyes widen, unsure how you’ve managed to miss that you’re his everything and that he’d die for you. He’d kill for you.

“Whatever you want us to be, doll.” Your eyes drift back up to their familiar resting place and you offer him a gentle smile. His heart stops at the look in them, cumdrunk and lovestruck. It’s all he wants to see for the rest of his days, until they lower him into the ground. 

Bucky suddenly finds himself wishing he were an artist, just so he could paint you exactly the way you look in the darkest before dawn, with hot cheeks and a beautiful smile, and the promise of light coming to illuminate your figure at any moment. He would paint you a million times over, from memory, in every single medium that exists as a way of wordlessly expressing his love for you. And then, he would scribble I LOVE YOU in large red letters on every blank inch of canvas, to really drive the point home. But alas, he can barely remember how to hold something that isn’t a weapon. But he knows how to hold you, soft and warm underneath his callous hands, and that’s a start.

“I must admit…I’m quite a traditional woman, James. I like being taken out on dates and being publicly acknowledged, and respected and desired. If I feel something for you, I want you to be my boyfriend. I want to be your girlfriend, even if it might sound silly to say at our big age. But I want exclusive and absolute. If…If you want something casual, it’s best that we nip this whole thing in the bud. I can’t deal with the emotional fallout of that again, you—.”

His mouth claims yours, and you relax into him, forgoing the muscles that temporarily tightened at the thought of him not feeling the same. Oh, how quickly he quells the torrid fears that wrench your soul apart.

“I want that too. Absolutes, exclusivity, you. I want you, above all else. I’d die to have you, I’d kill to have you. I want you either way, even if tomorrow you wake up and tell me you’d rather spit on my grave than spend another single second in my presence. I want you, doll. Only you. I want to be your boyfriend, I want to take you on the most cliche dates, and I want to kiss you in the rain. I want to make you laugh at all of my lame jokes all night, and most of all, I want you to know that through it all, I am absolutely enamoured by you. I wouldn’t have it, have you any other way.” 

You kiss him again. And again and again, and you just can’t stop because his lips are so soft and his words are so sweet and his desires are so tangible, laid before you raw and awaiting. You hands find his wondrous hair again, pulling him closer to you, pulling him on top. 

Not in a sexual way, but you need his weight on you. You need to feel him close, skin to skin, no barriers, in a way that transcends sex and spirituality and religion, praying to the ideation of his affections and worshipping at the altar of his lips. Finding the sacred temple in the small dips in his back, reciting the familiar hymns of love and lust and everything in between. The sun is rising, yes, but you are so entirely lost in the devotion of him, of his mouth and soul, that when the light hits, you don’t even break apart. 

And the best part? He is searching right back, for the Holy Water laced in your fingers, washing him over in colours of purity and affection. You don’t know it, but he swears you’re God when you wrap your legs around his waist, an angel when you touch him and all of his scars without hesitancy or remorse. You are pulling him apart and stitching him back together, moulding him on top of you like you are Prometheus. He swears that you are ordained, sent to save him, to fill all of his cracks with molten gold and kiss it all better if it should ever burn.

He is passion, you are devotion.

He is on fire and you are the flames.

Nobody gets him like you.

Nobody gets you like him.

And you wouldn’t have it any other way.

BONUS PART

[bubblybubbubs]

Stuck with Me (4)

Soulmate AU - Draco Malfoy x Reader Summary - Draco finally reunites with his amnesiac soulmate. She still doesn't remember him and he is sad. It gets complicated, they both have issues. Slow burn.

Word Count - 12k

AN: Holy shit. I'm sorry this took me two? years to churn out. But here it is. It's not super proofread which is surprising given it took me two years. I just knew if I didn't publish it the minute I wrote the last word it would never happen. If this is your first time seeing this series don't get discouraged by the length of this part, the other parts are a reasonable length I just went crazy here. Warnings: Smut adjacent tags : @sadgirlgiselle @flores-and-sunshine @pencilupyourass @procrastinatorofwriting @fluffybunnyu @weasleysmalfoyxstyles @bi-andready-tocry 

part 1, part 2, part 3

The rubbish that scattered the ruins of Hogwarts dug into the fabric of your pants as you both sat against the walls of what once was the great hall.

Ron and Hermoine had both left, but you were both still there. It was dark and cold, and the moon light illuminated your face in the perfect way. The same way it had when the both of you would walk around the grounds at night, the only time there wasn't any prying eyes. 

“So I got amnesia, and you ditched me?” You said plainly, breaking Draco's focus on the details of your face. He had given you a brief recap of what you should remember about him and why he had stayed away for so long, it didn't seem to be going in his favor at the moment.

Draco tensed. “Well when you put it like that..”

“What other way is there to put it?” You snapped back, the fire in your voice was so familiar to him he was almost happy to hear you upset with him.

“Im sorry I really am, I haven’t been making the best decisions as of late.”

“Yeah I can tell.” You said. “Now what?”

“You still don’t remember me?” Draco said, hoping you had remembered and were only dragging it out as a joke.

“No.” You said rolling your eyes. 

“I didn't really have a back up plan. I just assumed you seeing me would, I don’t know, kick your memories into gear.”

“Cocky are we?” You said, unimpressed.

“I’ve been called worse”

“I don't doubt it.”

Draco felt as if this conversation was going worse and worse by the second. “You know with the way you're talking to me, you’d think your memories would be back.”

“Yeah maybe they’re sitting in my deep deep deep subconscious.”

“Funny” He said crossing his arms.

“Is that really the best you could do, I mean I am your soulmate after all, couldn’t at least dress up for the occasion?” You motioned to his pajamas, the ones he hadn't changed all week.

He turned bright red, he was going to kill pansy. If this kept conversation kept going as badly as it was, he would make sure Pansy would hear about it for the rest of her life.

“Yeah well, I didn't exactly have the time to pick my Sunday best.” He said. “My friend Pansy quite literally had to drag me off my couch for me to come here.”

“That excited to see me?” You said. “I think I remember her. Pug faced, Slytherin, kind of mean?”

“I'm starting to get offended.” He said frowning. Of course, you remembered Pansy, who you likely interacted one time in your entire life, and not him.

“Im starting to think there’s a reason I didn’t remember you.”

His face visibly fell.

“Sorry, this is kind of a new situation to me, I get mean when I’m nervous.” You said kicking the dirt under your shoes.

“And here I was thinking we were bantering.”

You made a face. “Sure, if that’s what you want to call it.” You weren’t sure how to handle the situation. You knew that you were missing something, even before the moment you saw him with Ginny, something felt off. But that didn’t change the fact that you knew nothing about the boy standing infront of you, your soulmate.

You stood up, reaching out a hand to help him up which he took.

“No use in being among this depressing rubbish is there? I remember Hogwarts, what I don't remember is you.” You said. “Might as well get going, Molly is supposed to make a big meal today, you should join us.”

"Me? In the Weasley house?” Draco chuckled. “Merlin your memory really is fucked.”

-

“Mr. and Mrs Weasley, hello.” Draco said sheepishly.

Draco was assuming that you didn’t know that the both of you would be so late to dinner, or maybe you did and the awkwardness of the situation was you getting some retribution for all the times he wronged you.

The Weasley's all sat around the table, and it was all of them. When Draco imagined a big meal, he just imagined a regular dinner for the Weasleys, but it was a BIG meal, there were mini-Weasleys here he didn't even know existed.

The older ones, Bill, his wife Fleur, Charlie, and Percy tried to remain polite and kept to their conversations. 

Ron, George, and Ginny made no such effort.

Ron was about to protest his entrance when Molly stood up quickly welcoming him and magically adding two spots to the already stuffed table. Not surprisingly between the two worst options, Ron and Ginny. Y/n opted to sit next to Ginny leaving Draco to sit next to Ron, he audibly groaned when Draco sat next to him.

“Manners Ron!” Molly said to him causing him to mumble an apology. It came to no shock to Draco that Ron wouldn’t bother to hide his distaste for him, it was deserved to say the least.

“Y/n is a member of this family,” Molly said standing next to the table. “She is free to bring anyone to join our meals, especially when that anyone is her soulmate, I’d think you lot out of anyone would see the importance of a connection like that!”

“Now go on eat your food and stop gawking!” Molly tisked and mumbled under her breath. “As if they’ve never seen a Malfoy before.”

Draco awkwardly kept quiet.

“Thank you, Molly.” You responded. “We’re sorry for coming so late.”

“We’re just glad to have you, darling!” She said. “How is it going by the way, are the memories coming back?”

“It’s a work in progress.” You said smiling.

“Of course.” She said giving you a warm smile.

“Make yourself at home Draco, for as long as you’d like to stay.” Molly said. 

Draco was shocked by her hospitability, he thought he would get kicked out of the house the minute they saw him, given his history.

“I’d reckon we should get them their own room Arthur. Better than having them both staying in a cot in Ginny’s room.” She said with a laugh.

“Oh, I don’t think that will be necessary Molly.” You said nearly choking on your food with laughter. “I doubt Draco will be staying for too long.”

“Well, you never know.” Molly said.

“I think it’s about time I’ve got my room back to myself, no offense.” Ginny said with a playful grin on her face.

“Believe me, none taken.” You said. “But I feel as if I’m already imposing enough as it is I wouldn't-“

“Nonsense!” Arthur said. “It’s just a few flicks of the wand.”

“I’m starting to wonder why this didn’t come up a few months ago.” Ginny said.

“Wow I didn’t know rooming with me was such a pain Gin.” You said laughing.

“It was almost worse than when we all were sleeping in the room of requirement, remember?” Ginny said. This was a habit that Ginny had taken on, whenever she spoke about something that happened at Hogwarts she would always check to make sure you knew what she was talking about.

“Yeah, I remember.” You said smiling.

The mood at the table grew somber at the mention of the war and Draco grew stiff. Everyone at the table knew of his role in making the events unfold the way they did and he knew it too.

Bill interrupted with a story of how his baby was learning how to crawl and everyone’s focus shifted to him.

“And how did you come to that conclusion?” Draco said quietly to you. He couldn’t help the nervous feeling that flooded his senses. There had been a point in his life where he felt he couldn’t comfortably tell you anything, now here he was nervous to even speak to you.

“Pardon?”

“You said that I wouldn’t be staying for too long.” He said pulling together all the strength he had to not show his nerves. “I don’t recall deciding that.”

“You spent almost everyday of 6th year complaining to me about how Ron sat next to you in potions. Do you really think you could live here with Ron? Not to mention the rest of the Weasleys” You said it so freely you didn’t even notice that you had remembered something.

“You remember all that?” Draco said with a smile. He saw a glimpse of you, the you that remembered him, and he could almost feel the anxiety melt away. The return of the sense of familiarity.

“Yeah, I guess I do.” You said returning the smile. He missed that smile so fucking much.

“Yeah.” He said taking a spoon full of the stew Molly made. Trying to hide the grin growing on his face, it had been you. For a second maybe but for that second he felt as if he was talking to you, the You he remembered. "I think I’ll be sticking around.”

-

Molly was so excited to show you the new room, she kept going on about how it was the first room she had added since Ron and Ginny grew out of sharing a room. It was cute and looked like the rest of the Burrow.

“Thank you, Molly, this means a lot to me.” You said taking in the act of kindness. “You’ve been so kind taking me in the way that you have.”

“You are family.” She said pressing a kiss to your forehead. “We are here to help you through every step of your recovery, and then some.”

She looked at Draco who stood awkwardly at the entrance of the room.

“I’ll leave you two to it.” She said with a warm smile that Draco was growing to like.

“This is cozy.” He said.

“I hope you mean cozy in a good way.” You said making a face at him. 

“Believe me, I do,” Draco said. "This is a mansion compared to my living arrangements these past few months.”

“Who were you staying with.” You asked as you ran your finger along the books Molly had no doubt picked out for you that sat on your new nightstand that had the signature Arthur Weasley touch, meaning that it was somewhat slanted but you wouldn't have it any other way.

“Blaise Zabini, you probably wouldn’t remember him.” Draco continued with a laugh. “Don’t believe I ever got around to introducing you two.”

“Was that a joke?” You said. “Can’t really tell if something actually never happened, or if I’m just not remembering it.”

“Oh, it was a joke.” He said embarrassed. “I never introduced you to any of my friends, our relationship was, private.”

“Except for this one time.” He laughed. “You had come up to my table during a meal and sat yourself across from me demanding me to speak with you, and when Pansy told you to buzz off you told her you were my soulmate.”

“Wow, I sound amazing.” You laughed.

“Yeah. You had your moments.”

He liked talking to you again, hearing your voice was intoxicating, but still, your conversations felt so impersonal.

You still had your snark but it wasn’t you, you didn’t look at him the way you used to, and he didn’t look at you the way he used to. It was as if someone else was living in your body.

Neither of you knew quite how to speak to the other so the room was filled with tense and awkward air, something Draco had never experienced with you.

“I think it’s best if we don’t stay in the same room.” Draco said.

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.” You said. “Where will you stay?”

“I have an idea, a potentially problematic one, but an idea nonetheless.”

-

“Are you demented.” Ron squealed. “You really think I’d have you sleeping in my room? I’d prefer to not be smothered in my sleep thank you very much.”

“Weasley.” Draco had never in his life imagined himself in this position. Groveling with Ron Weasley to let him stay in his room, it was almost hysterical. 

“Don't Weasley me!” Ron scoffed. “It’s one thing you being my home, but my room! You’re out of your bloody mind, you’ve completely lost it.”

Draco wasn’t dim. He in no way had been expecting Ron to welcome him into his house with open arms, much less his room. But he was desperate, he had to be close to you. He wasn’t going to give up, not this time. He would make you fall in love with him a million times if he had to.

“I can’t sleep in the same room as her, and I don’t have any other options if I want to stay here.”

“She’s your soulmate, stay with her!”

“She’s not my soulmate, she’s not my y/n.”

“This is exactly why I don’t need you in my room.” Ron huffed. “I have no interest in any of your issues.”

“It won’t be a long time just until she regains her memory,” Draco said hurriedly. “This is me groveling Weasley, please.”

Ron let out a long and dramatic groan throwing himself onto his bed.

“If you kill me, I’ll be really mad.”

“I gathered that.”

-

“We really took nature walks?” You questioned. Stepping on the stones that lead you further away from the Burrow. The Weasleys lived fairly removed from anyone else leaving plenty of land to explore.

“Once in a while,” Draco said. “I think the stress of war really brought out our appreciation for the simpler things in life.”

Your hair was pinned up and you looked stunning, not that he could say that to you. 

"How long are you staying for." You asked. "Not that I want you to leave."

"As long as it takes." He said. "If that's alright without you."

"That's alright with me." You said smiling at him. "Better than having you go be all lethargic on Blaise's couch." Even though Draco still felt like an acquintainces, you couldn’t help but feel guilty. You had gathered from what Ginny said that he hadn’t been in a good state since your injury and it weighed on you, you felt responsible somehow for what he had gone through in the last few months. You felt even more guilty about still not remembering him.

"Fair enough." 

"You know he wrote me."

"He wrote you?"

"He wanted to make sure I was treating his best friend right." You said with a grin. "He really cares about you it's sweet."

"When you get your memories back you have to meet my friends, they've heard a lot about you."

"I wonder how long it's going to take." You say. "It's already been a week."

"Don't rush yourself." He said. 

"I know, it's just so frustrating." You said. "I remember everything but you."

"It’s just the universe getting back at me for being born, it’ll pass."

-

It didn’t pass, months went by, and as each month came and went you both were growing less and less hopeful of your memories coming back. It was eating away at you, the way he looked at you when he was referencing something you knew he was praying you’d remember and how he looked every time you had to let him down. It was the same thing over and over, you would spend time together, he would bring something up from your past, you wouldn’t remember it and then he would remember you weren’t the y/n he fell in love with, those shoes were beginning to seem impossible to fill.

The stress you were under was overwhelming, every minute of your day felt like it was devoted to remembering. You weren’t allowed to move on with your life, to create new memories, not until you had recovered the old ones. 

You tried to stifle your cries with your pillow but Ginny almost had a sixth sense with her keen readings of your emotions, so there she was at your door.

“Y/n.” She said softly approaching you, taking your face into her hands. “Hey, it’s okay.” She said continuing to soothe you. “I’m letting everyone down Ginny, why can’t I fucking remember? That’s the only thing anyone wants from me and it’s the one thing I can’t do.”

“What are you talking about.” Ginny said, “We just want you to be happy.” You took a second to catch your breath.

“Every conversation I have just seems like a test, I just want to live Ginny. I can’t keep going on like this, I’m just going to keep disappointing everyone and that’s too much for me.”

“You could never disappoint us.” She said pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “But I get how you feel, I’ll tell everyone to cool it, I promise.” “What about Draco?” He was your biggest concern. He had the most at stake with you, every day he was counting on seeing his soulmate in you and you just could never seem to do that for him. You didn’t want to let him down, make him think that his soulmate was gone for good.

“What about him?” Ginny huffed. “If he loves you as much as he said he does he’s going to be kicking himself knowing how you’ve been feeling. Everyone just wants you to be happy Y/n.”

Ginny left you alone with your thoughts, you knew you had to cool it with Draco. Maybe it was the amount of pressure you put on your relationship that wasn’t letting you remember it all.

-

You knocked on his door quietly. 

“Come in.” He yelled from behind the door. Fred, Ron, and Draco were sprawled on the floor around some sort of floor, it was certainly an interesting sight.

“We’re playing wizard skittles, you want to play?” Draco said, eager to include you.

“No way man, we’re midgame. We’d have to start all over and I’m winning.” Ron said nudging at Draco to redirect his attention, which Draco ignored. “I’m good actually, I was hoping to talk to you, Draco.” The three boys looked at you not moving. “Alone.”

“We know when we’re not wanted,” Fred said taking the game out of the room with Ron on his tail. “You’re disqualified Malfoy.” Draco rolled his eyes before turning his attention back to you. “Is it your memory, is it back?” He said eagerly, you could almost hear him holding his breath. “No. But I did want to talk about that.” You said, he patted the spot next to him on the floor cushions and you sat next to him. 

“I think it’s best for me, and my memory if I just stop all this.” Draco furrowed his eyebrows, taken aback . “I’m not following?”

“The constant questions, you walking me through every day we spent together. I just can’t take it. What if I never get my memory back.” You had already started getting yourself used to the idea. “That’s not going to happen, you’re already so close.” The thing was that you weren’t. You knew it, and you knew he knew it too. He just didn’t want to admit it.

“I’ve been close for months, this might well be the best we get and I think I need to move on with my life and so do you.”

“If that’s what you want,” Draco said looking at the ground and you counted yourself lucky for that. You wouldn’t be able to bare it, the final look of devastation and disappointment on his face.  “ I can be out by the end of the week, I just need to talk to Blaise about moving back in.” He said looking away from you looking completely defeated “I’m sure he won't mind.” 

“You don’t need to leave Draco.” You said, and you truly meant it. You liked Draco you really did, the issue was that you didn’t love him. The last thing you wanted to do was uproot his life again and make him start over. Besides where would he go? Regardless of your feelings for him, he was your soulmate, and you couldn’t let your soulmate go homeless.

“You were the only thing keeping me here.” He said sharply.

“You like it here, the Weasleys love you and besides you said you hated Blaise’s couch.”

“I do hate Blaise’s couch.” He took a long pause, still not looking you in the eyes. “I’ll let you know, thank you Y/n.” 

“I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry for the way I’ve made you feel.” -

“What the fuck mate!” Ron said swinging the door open. Draco tensed at the sound. Him and Ron had surprisingly become good friend. Admittedly, it had taken a while but he found he had truly enjoyed the company of the person he despised for the majority of his life. The issue with that is that Ron no longer had any hesitation on commenting on his personal life. “Why did Blaise just write me saying you’re thinking of moving back in with him.” “She’s given up, she wants to move and I need to let her.” Draco said, avoiding eye contact with Ron. “She told you to leave? I can change her mind.” Ron said. Draco couldn’t help but feel a bit flattered that Ron would be willing to do that for him. “No, she told me to stay.” “Then why the fuck are you leaving.” 

“Staying is going to break my heart.” Ron looked at Draco with pity. Draco hated that.

“You’re going to be heartbroken either way. Stop being stupid.” Ron didn’t get it, he and Hermoine had this annoyingly perfect relationship. 

“I don’t want to impose on your family anymore either.” “I actually had a thought about that.” Ron said. “Ginny and I were thinking about moving out. We found a great flat, with four bedrooms. Hermione and I in one room, Ginny was going to take one, Y/n would take another and we have a fourth one, for you. ”

Draco stilled, “Really?” Flattered couldn’t begin to describe how he felt. This wasn’t a spur of the moment, ‘we’ll make it work’. They had thought of him when planning this. They wanted him there. “What about Potter?”

“Tried to convince him but I think he’s going to be staying with Andromeda,” Ron said. “Your aunt, he wants to help with Teddy. Feels awful guilty I reckon.”

Draco paused. His heart couldn’t help but feel lighter. Ron Weasley liked him. He was inviting him to live together, by choice. He had never imagined what forgiveness would feel like, but this seemed to be it or something close to it anyways. “I’ll talk to Y/n about it, I wouldn’t want to make her uncomfortable.”

“Ginny and I haven’t talked to her about it yet, but I’m sure she’ll be fine with it,” Ron said putting a hand on Draco’s shoulder and nodding at him. “So you can unpack that bag, at least for now.”

-

You held your boxes of things close to your chest as you walked up the stairs of your apartment building toward your new flat. It would be hard to get used to not using magic for everything, but Hermione insisted on it. Her new job in the Ministry had her more strict on the statute of secrecy than she had been in school. 

“Need a hand?” Draco called from behind you. You were happy that he had chosen to join you, truly you were. The last thing you wanted was to tear him away from a life he had grown comfortable with, you saw the way he was happy with Ginny and Ron, and based on the letters you had gotten from both Pansy and Blaise this was the first time he had felt that way in a long time. He took a box from the top of your teetering pile before opening the door for you. 

“It’s,  nice.” You said with an evident pause. The question of how you had gotten such an affordable deal was instantaneously answered, you turned to Draco to see how he felt about the place but saw no such reaction.

“I’ll take what I can get,” Draco said setting your box and his things down. “I lived on Blaise’s couch for a year and have been sleeping a few feet away for Ron for the last few months. My own room is a blessing.”

“It’s perfect,” Ginny said entering the flat with her own boxes in tow, Harry not too far behind, helping her with her things. “I love Mum, but Merlin am I excited for some freedom.” “Like you ever listened to her.” Ron snorted, your friends fell into their comfortable banter and you wandered off toward the rooms. They were tiny for sure but you couldn’t help but like them. You were beginning to feel normal again when you first woke up and had no memory you didn’t see yourself living a normal life but here you were, back on track. Your eyes found themselves on Draco and you felt uneasy, you didn’t know how he fit into your new life. He was your roommate now,  his place in this flat was as cemented as yours. You no longer felt guilt every time you saw him, that was a step forward for sure, but still, a sort of uneasiness came over you. You pushed it aside, the whole reason you had shut down Draco the way you had was so you’d be able to have a normal life, and that included treating Draco like you would every other person in the flat, like a friend.

-

“Draco your friends are here.” Ron called from the door as Pansy pushed past Ron and into the flat.

“Sorry.” Blaise said.

“What have I said about apologizing for me Blaise?” Pansy groaned. “Which room is Draco’s?”

“What are you guys doing here?” Draco asked.

“Starts living with a bunch of Gryffindors and forgets all about his friends, typical.” Pansy exclaimed.

“I got to say I agree with her.” Blaise said.

Ron walked away from them, overwhelmingly uninterested in their dramatics.

“I haven’t forgotten about you,” Draco said. “You guys are my best friends.”

“Okay we get it,” Pansy said rolling her eyes. “No need to get all sentimental.”

Draco had really missed his friends, he liked his flat mates he really did. It took some time to get used to ‘Game Night’ but he was growing to appreciate the Gryffindor-esque of his roomates. But Pansy and Blaise had been there from the beginning, there were things about Draco that only they would understand, them and Y/n, of course, atleast the old Y/n. 

“We’re taking you out for drinks.” Pansy exclaimed excitedly, shaking Draco slightly. 

“Not my idea,” Blaise said shaking his head. 

“I’m controlling myself now, I’ll be fine.” Draco said. He really was getting better, he didn’t like to think about the mess he was before he had moved in with the Weasleys.

“So emotional, the both of you,” Pansy said shaking her head. “It’s so boring.”

Pansy fussed over both his and Blaise’s outfits for the next hour before sheathing her jacket to show off one of her clubbing outfits, only much more extravagant than anything Draco has seen her wear in the past.

“Where exactly are we going?” Draco said.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about that,” Pansy said.

-

It was worse than Draco expected, Pansy had really outdone herself. The club was packed, every few steps Draco felt the sweat of others on him and had to stop himself from physically cringing. 

“Let loose a little!” Pansy said, her own excitement visible all over her face as she leaned over the bar to talk to the bartender.

“When was the last time you had a little fun?” Blaise said.

“I have fun.” Draco said. “I like living with all of them.” “I don’t mean that type of fun.”

Draco snorted. “What to do you think.” “You depress me Draco, you really do.” Blaise said. “Do you need me to be your wingman or something? How times have changed, the Draco Malfoy needs help getting laid.”

“I don’t need help getting laid Blaise,” Drcao said, embarassed and irritated. “I just don’t really want to.” “Merlin, it’s even worse than I thought.” Blaise immediately turned to the bartender ordering drinks for the both of them.

-

Draco sits at the bar silently, Blaise had found someone else more interesting and abandoned him so he was sulking at a bar, very typical of him, he thought to himself. He tried to look as unapproachable as possible but he felt a burning stare on him and couldn’t help but turn to look who was sending it. He looked up to see a girl who was intently headed in his direction, he looked around for his friends desperate for a quick way out but they were no where to be found. 

The girl took a seat next to him, “Thanks for the drink.” She said with a slight giggle and she swirled her drink around before drinking more of it. Draco stared down at her cup completely confused before putting it together, Blaise just loved to meddle. He wasn’t sure what to say but luckily for him there was no need for that, the girl talked his ear off. 

Eventually she grew tired of sitting and dragged him to the dance floor. Draco didn’t want to offend this girl so he feigned the most interest he could while simultaneously backing away from her. He was already many drinks in and he still wasn’t able to drown out the fact that this girl was not you. Evidently the girl didn’t pick up on just how put off Draco was and he had to put an end to it. 

He pushed her hands off of his chest where they had been,

 “Hey-”

Whatever protest he was going to put up were quickly shut down by the girl all but throwing herself on Draco, her lips were smothering his and Draco was complteley frozen for one second and the next he was gagging. The girl backed away immediately in disgust, just in time for Draco to throw up all over her shoes. The attention of the entire room seemed to be on him and the girl as many of them began to laugh at the scene. Pansy and Blaise quickly found him and dragged him to the bathroom. 

Pansy tried to stiffly her laughter as Blaise scolded her.

“I thought you could hold your liquor Malfoy.” Blaise laughed. “Time have really changed.”

“It wasn’t the drinks, she kissed me.” Draco mumbled.

“Did she taste bad or something?” Pansy chortled.” God how embarrassing, for her that is.”

“She tasted fine.” Draco said as he cleaned himself infront of the bathroom mirror.

“It’s okay mate, you tried.” Blaise said. “But if you had let me be your wingman you probably wouldn’t have thrown up.” “I really don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Draco said plainly, amusment gone from his voice. He could’ve told them that this would have happened. Saved them the trouble. He was living with you as friends sure, but that didn’t mean he was over his soulmate. Pansy and Blaise exchanged a guilty look.

“We’ll take you back to your place.”

-

Draco closes the door behind him quietly, feel a bit of relief wash over him.

“Hey,” You said from the sofa, she was sat down working on some sort of craft project. “How was your night out?”

He considered being honest with you, telling you that he threw up because he couldn’t handle kissing anyone that wasn’t his soulmate. But there would be no point in that because you were not his soulmate. He wasn’t sure when it had set in but he knew that he didn’t feel the same way seeing you as he once did, so he lied. “It went great.”

“That’s great,” You said smiling up at him. Draco started to head towards his room before you called after him. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something.” 

He nodded before taking a seat on the couch, leaving a seat between the both of you.

“I don’t know how to approach this, given our situation.” You looked up while you spoke, avoiding his eyes. “I got asked on date, and I wanted to take them up on the offer. I just wanted to check with you before I said anything, I would hate to make you uncomfortable.” He didn’t understand how he felt, he thought he didn’t love this new Y/n but the thought of you going on a date with someone else made him want to throw up again. It was a constant whirl of confusion, but you seemed to know what you wanted. The only thing he did know was that he missed his soulmate, so much that it hurt.

“Go for it, I’m good.” Draco lied. “Really, I am.”

-

You posed in front of the mirror with Ginny and Hermione.

“We look so good,” She shook you with excitement. “I’m serious we’re going to kill this party.”

“This is what our last few years should’ve been like, partying, dressing up,” Ginny said shaking her head. “Not war.”

“I’m glad Parvati is having this party,” You said adjusting the straps of your dress. “Melin, we need it. I mean when was the last time any of us were able to feel our age.”

“I agree,” Hermione said. “And we look really good.”

The three of you were dressed as pirates, Parvati had called all of you up only a week ago with the idea of throwing a Halloween party and you had all been in agreement. “Can you tell Draco that he has to go?” Ron said standing in your doorway and knocking on the bathroom door to get your attention.

“He doesn’t want to go?” Hermione asks.

“No,” Ron says frustrated. “He thinks people aren’t going to want him there.”

You follow Ginny and Hermione out of the bathroom, Draco is sat on the couch arms crossed, likely already having received a lecture from Ron on the importance of Halloween parties.

“Draco get dressed!” Ginny exclaimed pulling his blanket off of him. “You’re going to make us late.”

“I already said I’m not going,” Draco said yanking his blanket back. “I’m serious, I don’t want to spend my whole night surrounded by people who hate me.”

“They don’t hate you.” Ginny said, sounding wholey unconvincing.

Draco didn’t budge off of the couch.

“Fine whatever, be lame!” Ginny said going back to getting ready followed by Hermione. Ron scoffed and went back to putting together his own costume, a mummy. You stood awkwardly in the living room, across from Draco. His eyes softened when it was just you, whatever irritation he had at his friends dissipated. 

“The point of this party is to get everyone’s spirits up after everything we’ve gone through,” You said. “You went through the War just like the rest of us, you deserve to move on too.”

You give him a small smile before heading off to the bathroom too. Ginny talked your ear off about how excited she was to see everyone and Harry who had been so busy lately. You nodded along to her recounts drifting off until a soft knock caught your attention.

Draco stood at the door, he was wearing an orange shirt with a haphazardly drawn face on it, “I’m a pumpkin.” He said, you couldn’t help but smile up at him. 

-

It seemed like your entire year had shown up to the party, it felt strange seeing everyone in the same place again. Your friends had all dispersed all having their own people to catch up with, except for Draco who stuck by your side.

“Are your friends coming?” You asked him as you maneuvered through the crowd of people.

Draco snorted, “No, Pansy told me she’d rather die and Blaise said that I’d damper his Halloween spirit.”

“I guess we’ll just have to show Blaise you have tons of Halloween spirit.” You said.

“I guess we do.” Draco laughed. “Want me to get us some drinks?”

You nodded before he walked off, you could sense his uneasiness as he walked towards the drinks, having to get past all of the people who wanted nothing to do with him. You hoped he’d be able to have a good time, you were the reason he was here after all.

You were brought away from your thoughts at the familiar nasal tone of Romilda Vane’s voice, it was the same one you heard gossiping almost every night in the Gryffindor common room.

“What is he doing here?”

“Doesn’t he look good,” Lavender said. “Merlin, how does he make orange work?”

“He’s a murder Lav, get yourself together,” Romilda said. “ How the fuck did his psycho ass even get invited?”

“Apparently he lives with Ron, Ginny, Hermione, and Y/n.” Katie chimed in. “Merlin, he’s got to have put some spell on them.” Romilda said in disbelief. “What the fuck is he playing at.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” You spun around to face them, the look on the three girls faces blanched for a second, not having seen you. “Mind your own fucking business.”

Lavendar and Katie backed away, not wanting the confrontation but Romilda only puffed out her chest and stepped closer to you, it was an intimidation tacit she had used since your first year. 

“We have the right to be concerned for our safety.” Romilda sneered. “Well, I’m telling you that your perfectly safe, so shut your mouth Romilda.” You said trying not to backdown. You were not a fighter, Ginny had enough aggressiveness for the both of you.

“What, are you shagging him?” Romilda laughed. “Is that really all it takes to get you to forget that Death Eaters are bad, it’s pathetic really. ”

Before you could even process that Ginny was right behind you, ready to handle Romilda herself, you hit her. Your fist stung and you shook it as she cried out and gripped at her face, making a spectacle of herself. Everyone was turning to look at you.

“What is going on?” Padma said. You explained under your breath, Padma had always been your friend more than Romilda’s, it didn’t take much convincing to show her Romilda was in the wrong. It was Romilda after all. Katie and Lavender had to drag her out as she cried out in protest. 

“I’m so sorry Padma, I know how much this party meant to you, and to everyone.” You were more than embarrassed.

“She was out of line, it would’ve been wrong for you not to put her in her place.” She said before leaving you on your own. The party quickly picked up, your drama no doubt firing a bit of the stir. 

“Was that awesome or what?” Ginny said coming up you with Hermione and Ron in tow. “Where did you learn to hit like that? Oh wait, I totally taught you!”

“Where’s Draco?” You asked, there was no way he had missed all the commotion. You hoped you hadn’t made him feel worse. Ginny rolled her eyes at how quickly you killed her excitement. “In some corner sulking probably,” Ron said. Hermione supported his statement, nudging your elbow and pointing towards where he was. Standing in a corner of the room while swirling his drink around. You abandoned your friends and walked towards him, already piling up the stew of apologies you owed him. “I’m so sorry Draco, I didn’t mean to bring more attention to you.”

He looked at you confused, “You hit Romilda because of me?” Your face turned red. 

“You didn’t hear all that?”

“Not until she started screaming. Shit, I knew I shouldn’t have come.”

“No, It’s my own fault. I just got myself carried away.”

“What happened?”

“She was just saying stuff she had no business saying.” You said. 

“I’m sorry.” “For what?” “Ruining your night, if I hadn’t come she wouldn’t have had anything to talk about.” “Don’t apologize. You're my friend, I’ll make a million more scenes if I have to.”

“Please don’t.” He laughed before his expression softened. “I’m glad we’re friends by the way.” Draco meant it too. Surprisingly, it was getting easier. You weren’t the Y/n that was his soulmate, you were the Y/n that was his friend and this reality was increasingly becoming less scary.

“Me too.”

“Fuck.” He said.

“What?” “Now I have to punch someone.” Draco said pinching the bridge of his nose, feigning anguish. You laughed and shoved him.

-

“What is she doing!” Ginny yelped as she pressed herself to the window trying to get the best look down from her apartment building.

“Keep your voice down.” Hermione scolded from next to her, although she was equally as curious. Even with Hermione’s shushing Draco and Ron came out of their rooms to see what the fuss was about. 

“What’s going on?” Draco said looking between the two girls and then at Ron who looked equally as confused.

Ginny let out a scream at the sight of Draco before standing on the couch making her best effort to cover the window. “Don’t look!” Draco ignored Ginny and went up to the window, it was You. You were wearing, what Ginny would call a ‘Bad Bitch’ outfit, it was new, he definitely hadn’t seen it before. It seemed like you were going to wear it to wherever Zacharias Smith was planning on taking you in that car of his. This must’ve been that date you had told him about, he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t thought it was going to happen, but here it was.

“It’s fine.” He said moving away from the window. “She told me she was going on a date.” “Did you know it was with Zacharias Smith!” Ginny exclaimed, sinking into the sofa in defeat. “That guy sucks!”

Draco didn’t know Zacharias but he was glad to have a valid reason to not like him, although Ginny’s bar for ‘suck’ was pretty low.

“It’s really none of my business.” Draco said, he didn’t miss the look of pity from Hermione and Ron.

“It its your business,” Ginny said. “You’re her soulmate!”

Draco sighed “I really don’t want to get into this right now.” “It’s alright mate.” Ron said, patting him on the back. “Leave him alone Ginny!”

Draco made his way back to his room, shutting the door behind him to try to lose the sound of Ginny and Ron arguing. He was trying to convince himself that it was fine, he had date options too! He could finally take Astoria up on that offer, Pansy wouldn’t let him hear the end of it, Astoria being Daphne’s baby sister and all that, but still. What did Pansy know anyways? If Y/n could move on, he could to. In fact he had to, he didn’t want to seem obsessed with her or anything like that. They were roomates afterall. 

Draco pulled paper out of his desk before writing to Astoria, he crumbled it up the first time. But the second time he managed a possibly too formal invitation for a date, he handed it to his owl before he had the chance to change his mind.

-

You picked at your food as Zacharias went on about what he’s been up to since Hogwarts. Working his way up the ministry ladder, or something along those lines. You remembered one of the conversations you had with Draco when you were still trying to get your memories back, he was telling you how he’d rather die than be a Ministry Man like his father, and grandfather and possibly all the Malfoy men before him. Zacharia had not no such concerns. You took a mouthful of your pasta before noticing the way he was looking at you, eyes wide with a slight smile, head tilted like he was expecting something. He must have said a joked that you missed.

“Sorry!” You said, “Trying not to laugh with my mouth full!” “No worries, it’s good for a woman to have manners.”

You held back a laugh, but this time not to have ‘manners’ but to spare his feelings.

-

Draco poured cereal into his bowl as he heard the sounds of keys jingling, outside of the door. Would it be awkward for him to be in the kitchen as you came in, would it seem like it was on purpose? It was already too late for him to go running into his room, he had to act natural.

The door opened and he could hear the voice of Zacharias carrying into the flat.

“I had a great time.” Zacharias said. Merlin he even soiunded like a prat.

“Thanks.” You said awkwardly, “Me too.” Draco wondered if you meant it, but he was quickly taken away from his thoughts by the sight of Zacharias pushing you into the door and kissing you. The door, which was already open agape, swung open at Zacharias pushing your body against it and hitting the wall. Draco really wished he had taken that chance at making a run for his room.

Zacharias moved away from your completely still form at the sight of Draco. “You live with him?”

“Uh, yeah.” You said stepping away from him further.

“Whatever.” Zacharias scoffed, clearly upset by Draco’s presence. “I’ll call you.”

“What was that about.” Draco said as you went to close the door behind Zacharias.

“Oh, well we talked about our soulmates. So I explained our whole situation, I just didn’t mention that we lived together.”

“I hope that’s not a problem.” Draco said, in reality he hoped it was a problem but you didn’t need to know that. “In all honesty, I don’t really care if it is.” You said kicking your shoes off. “Good night Draco.”

“Night.” He called out after you, the urge to go on a date with Astoria was very much gone but he knew that the Owl had likely reached her by now. He was expecting a howler from Daphne any second about asking her sister out without checking with her first.

Draco groaned and poured his cereal down the drain, he had lost his appetite.

-

Draco went on his date with Astoria, and then some. And you grew to tolerate Zacharias.

Even with the both of you being involved with other people, the undeniable fact was that it was your day. Unbeknownst to both of you, you would both lay awake at night under the same roof wondering what would happen. What if you didn’t hear eachother’s voices? Draco thought that would explain why things weren’t the same, but he didn’t want to consider that. He didn’t want to replace you. Although sometimes it felt like he was, Astoria laughed a certain way or wore a certain shirt and he was reminded of how he never meant to date again. 

You were stretching, having just woken up when you felt the tug. You were stunned for a second, one of the things you had yet to remember where the tugs, you couldn’t remember a single one and here you were experiencing it again.

Draco spoke first, “How are you?”

The confirmation that was hearing his voice somehow lifted a pressure off your chest. “I’m well. What are you having for breakfast?”

“I was going to have pancakes.” He answered.

You stepped into your slippers before making your way to his room. You knocked twice.

“Come in.” He called.

You pushed the door open and stood in his doorway. “Hey soulmate.” “Hey.” He said laughing a little, although there was a ting of sadness carried in his tone.

“Mind if I join you for those pancakes.” You said.

“Not at all.” He smiled stepping out of bed. 

You were so sucked into the domesticity of it all, the way you and Draco were able to get through everything you’d gone through and still be friends that you almost missed the way he managed to look good even after just waking up, almost. 

-

You were a nervous wreck, dinner usually had away of going sideways with the 5 of you, now with the added elements of Harry, Zacharias, and Astoria you weren’t entirely sure what to expect.

It had been your idea after all, you had made an attempt at convincing Ginny that Zacharias wasn’t the complete asshole that he had been at Hogwarts to no avail. So this dinner was to try and show them that you were going out with him for more than a free meal, and to possible also convince yourself of that as well. And if you we’re being completely honest you wanted to see what Astoria’s deal was. Draco never brought her over to the flat, the same way you never let Zacharias get past the door way. But now they’d both be in your home, fantastic.

-

The doorbell rang through the house. Everyone was here except for her, the spot next to Draco and across from you was empty. Draco stood from his chair to get the door, but not before catching the anxious look on your face. 

You turned towards Zacharias pretending to be interested in whatever he was telling Ron and Harry about, you could see it on their faces that they were about disinterested as you. You wondered what exactly made you continue to date him, he was handsome, maybe that was it. Sometimes he could be funny, and he was very gentlemanly. You supposed that was enough. 

Astoria sat across from you. You knew she was a year or two below you in school but that was about all you knew about her, but she looked exactly like you imagined her to. Her dark brown hair was blown out and framed her pale face nicely, she had light blue eyes that contrasted against her dark hair and her bold red lipstick. She was from one of those old rich pureblood families like Draco and she looked the part. Seeing them sit next to each other they looked like a perfect fit for each other, the Ministry husband and the gala-planning wife. 

You noticed that everyone’s eyes were on you.

“Sorry?” You said, clearly having missed something.

“Astoria was just introducing herself to you.” Draco said, concern etched on his face.

“Right, sorry.” You said. “Lovely to meet you, truly.” She gave you a tight lipped smile as she exchanged pleasantries with the rest of the table. 

Zacharias gave you a weird look but you missed it, instead staring down at your plate. 

The small talk was going well for a few minutes. Not that you were too engaged in it, you couldn’t help but sneak looks at Astoria and Draco. You knew you had wanted him to move on from you for so long, but it’s one thing to want it and another for it to happen right before your eyes.

“So Zacharias, what have you been up to.” Harry asked Zacharias.

“Working at the Ministry, surprised you lot aren’t there too.” Zacharias said. “Working isn’t for everyone, I suppose.” You elbowed him for his brassness. 

“Well Zacharias,” Ginny said. From the way she put her fork down you nearly wanted to cower under the table. “Some of us have a War to recover from.”

Zacharias snorted. “I went through the war too, I’m perfectly fine.” “Did you though?” Hermione said under her breath.

“What was that?” 

You wanted to scream. The worst possible scenario was actively unfolding. You felt the realization wash over you, this guy was actually just a fucking asshole. 

“Everyone saw your cowardness Zacharias.” Hermione said sitting up straight and looking directly at him. “You pushed first years into danger to get yourself out of it.”

“It’s called survival skills,” Zacharias said, not backing down. “Maybe if you lot had some this table would be a little more full, yeah?”

The table went silent as Zacharias pointedly made eye contact with Ginny and Ron.

“You need to go.” You said breaking the silence, you couldn’t even look up at him from how humiliated you felt.

“What!” Zacharias said offended, “I’m just standing up for myself.”

“Get out!” You said standing up. “I’m serious Zacharias, you need to go.”

Zacharias stood up aggressively and the rest of the table except for Astoria stood too.

You walked to the door holding it open for him. “Now.”

Zacharias angerly gathered his stuff and made his way out. “Can one of you make sure he finds his way out?” You said, tears welling up as you made your way to your room followed by Hermione and Ginny.

“I’ve got this.” Draco said, motioning for Harry and Ron to stay put. 

-

“What the fuck, are you following me?” Zacharias said as Draco got into the elevator after him.

“Just making sure you find your way out.” Draco seethed.

“Well, I’m fine, thanks.”

“Yeah I think I’ll stick around until you’re out the door.” Zacharias huffed and Draco stood in the elevator arms crossed until they reached the ground floor.

When Zacharias stood outside of the apartment building, he looked back at Draco, eyes flailing. Zacharias rubbed his face in frustration before mumbling under his breath a curse mixed with your name.

“Excuse me?” Draco said grabbing him by the collar. “You’re friend’s a cunt.” Zacharias seethed, not backing down despite having Draco at his neck. 

Draco ignored the voice of a cop down the street yelling at him to let Zacharias go. Zacharias pushed Draco off of him only to be met with Draco’s fist. Zacharias pushed Draco back and made to punch him back before Draco pushed him onto the ground.

“Cut it out!” The cop yelled getting inbetween the both of them.

-

“Merlin, fuck.” Harry said watching from the window.

He knocked on your door not wanting to disturb whatever motivational speech Ginny and Hermione were giving you. “Sorry to interrupt but, I’m afraid Draco is getting arrested.”

“What?” Astoria said standing up from the table and looking out the window herself. “Merlin, Draco.”

You wiped the tears of humiliation off your face and went to go look out the window too. “They’re taking him away! Where are they taking him to.” “Where do you think,” Ron groaned. “Most likely the police station genius.”

“I don’t need this snark right now my s-” You paused. “Draco is being arrested.”

Astoria stood awkwardly next to you, not entirely sure how to react. 

“I’ll drive.” Ginny said grabbing her keys off of the counter and making her way out of the flat.

“I think I’ll go on my own.” Astoria said, forcing a smile.

“Right of course.” You said closing the door behind her.

-

Draco’s phone call was met by voicemail so he assumed that his friends were already on their way. Merlin, what was he going to say, Astoria wouldn’t find it weird that he punched Zacharias for you would she? Would you find it weird? 

The door of the police station swung open, it was you and the rest of his friends, with a lack of Astoria that went unnoticed by Draco. You rushed to the desk telling them what you were there for, you looked so concerned. Draco found it entirely endearing. The secretary went off to talk to one of the officer and your eyes scanned the room for Draco, you waved slightly when you finally saw him, he smiled at that.

-

“We’ll let you off with just a warning this time.” The officer said, you trailing not too far behind him. “You the girlfriend?” He said turning to you. You blinked staring at Draco and then at the officer.

“No, that would be me.” Astoria said coming up next to you, because she was his girlfriend. Not you. There had been no reason for you to hesitate, yet you did.

“Just keep him out of trouble Ma’am.” The officer said. “Let there not be a next time.” “There won’t be officer,” Astoria said smiling at him in a way that made the officer turn light pink. She was charming, you never considered yourself charming. 

“Do you want to ride home with us?” You asked looking back towards your friends who were waiting by the door of the station, watching curiously on this unspoken game of tug-a-war between you and Astoria.

“I think he’ll come with me.” Astoria interrupted before Draco could answer. “There’s probably not enough room in Ginny’s car.”

She grabbed Draco by the hand leading him out of the police station without stopping to say goodbye.

Draco glanced back at you with a tight lipped smile. “I’ll see you at home?”

You nodded.

-

You fell asleep waiting for Draco to come home, the sound of the door opening woke you up. You stood to talk to him.

“Why’d you hit Zacharias?” You said standing across from him. 

Draco sighed, shaking his jacket off and throwing it onto the couch. He ran a hand through his hair before answering, “Because.” He paused. “I’d do anything for you.”

Your breath catched at the look on his face as he turned to you. His eyes were dark and all of his focus was on one thing, you. He got closer to you until you could feel his breathing on your nose. 

“Draco,” You said, “Fuck.” His finger tilted your face upwards to kiss you before he pushed you closer to the sofa, he spun you and pulled you down with him until you were sitting on his lap. His mouth was on your neck but he moved his wet kisses down towards your chest, yanking on your shirt until you pulled it off over your head.

“Y/n” He called, you only hummed in response.

“Y/n.” You blinked slowly, you were on the couch but not on top of Draco. No Draco was in front of you, shaking you awake.

“Did you fall asleep waiting up for me?” He asked, brows furrowed.

Your chest heaved with each shallow breath.

“Are you okay?” He asked, taking in your appearance.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You said rubbing your eyes as you sat up. “What time is it?”

“It’s 2.” He said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d be waiting up for me.”

“No, I don’t know why I thought you were coming right home.” You said. “I should go to my room.” 

He nodded, “Good night.” You stopped in your doorway, turning to look at him. “Why’d you hit Zacharias?” “You’re my friend.” Draco said. “And he was being a prat.” “Sorry, you got arrested.” You said.

He shrugged. “No big deal.”

“Good night Draco.” You said before closing the door behind you. You didn’t give yourself time to think about your dream, or why Draco hadn’t come straight home, you collapsed onto your bed and let sleep take you. 

-

Astoria was perceptive, but she didn’t need to be to see your obvious affection for each other. You were talking to each other animatedly on the sofa, bodies fully turned towards each other, you couldn’t get enough of each other’s presence. Draco hung onto every word you said the same way your eyes were glued to his. She wasn’t the only one to notice this, she didn’t miss the excited glances that Draco’s roommates gave each other whenever they saw Draco and you acting this way. She put down the bowl she was stirring.

“Draco can you give me a hand with dinner?” She called out from the kitchen, she didn’t miss how he lingered next to you. Obviously not wanting to leave your side, and she didn’t miss the way your hand slipped off his arm, where it had previously been. She turned away from the sight, wiping angrily at the tears welling in her eyes.

“What’s up.” He said.

“Uh.” Astoria paused. “Can you finish up dinner, I’m not feeling well.” 

“Oh yeah totally.” He said. “Don’t worry about it, you were so kind for offering to make dinner for us in the first place.”

“Rain check?” Astoria asked. “Sure.” He said leading her out the door. “Want me to walk you to your car?”

“No need.” A part of Astoria thought he would notice the tone in her voice and ask her what was wrong but he didn’t, he shut the door behind her and she heard his quickly retreating steps, most likely eager to get back to you.

-

Ginny and you laid on your bed while your nail polish dried, you were reading a magazine while she stared you down.

“What do you want to say to me Ginny.” You sighed putting down the magazine. You had known Ginny long enough to pick up on her tells, not that she was discrete with them.

“It’s not what I want to say to you.” Ginny said. “It’s what you want to say to me.”

“Okay.” You paused. “What is it you want me to say.” “When we’re you going to tell me about you having a crush on Draco!” She whisper yelled. “Do you have your memories back?”

Your face burnt bright red. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Why are you lying to me right now,” Ginny said. “I’m not going to tell him.” “I don’t have my memories back.” You said laying back down and covering your face with your hands. “And maybe I do like him, but he doesn’t like me! He’s dating Astoria, plus he’s only interested in me if I have my memories.” Ginny blinked at you. “Are you fucking blind. Even Astoria can see that he likes you.” “No, he doesn’t!” You said. “I’m the one that pushed him away remember?”

Ginny groaned in frustration. “I hate you so much.”

“Why do you choose to make your life more difficult than it has to be!”

“I am not making my life more difficult.” You argued. “I’m saving myself from humiliation.”

“He is in love with you!” Ginny said, You shook her head and picked your magazine back up. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Then when will we?” Ginny said. “When he really does stop loving you because of Astoria?”

She walked out of your room slamming the door behind her.

-

Groceries in hand you dug through your pockets for the keys to the flat. You stopped in your tracks when you saw Astoria, she was standing on your doormat waiting for a response but she started walking towards you when she saw you.

“Hi, Astoria.” You said. “I don’t think Draco’s home right now.” “I’m here to talk to you, not with Draco.” She said.

“Oh.” You paused, “Let me just put this stuff away and we can talk.” 

She nodded walking into the flat and sitting down on the sofa after you opened it.

“What’s up.” You said, taking a seat next to her.

“I need you to leave Draco alone.” She said, not looking you in the eye.

“What?” You said incredulously

“He told me what happened with the two of you.” Astoria said. 

“What-” She interrupted you. “You cut it off with him. So please let him move on.” 

“Astoria, he’s my friend.” You said, “I’m not trying to seduce him or anything.”

“ I love him,” Astoria said. “Do you know how hard it is to find someone when you don’t have a soulmate? It’s impossible, but I found Draco.”

You were silent. He was never her’s to find. You weren’t dead, he would still hear your voice every year. Did she not know that? You so wanted to drag her by her perfect hair. Who was she to tell you what to do?

“So, please. Let him go.” Astoria pleaded.

“What exactly is it that you want him to do.”

“Just leave him alone.” She snapped, then regained her composure. “By stringing him along, you’re ruining his life. You’re never getting your memories back, get used to the idea.”

Your eyes unfocused out of anger. 

“Get out of my house.” You said. She looked at you and opened her mouth but quickly closed it and stormed out. You slammed the door behind her, turning on your heel towards your room. You couldn’t believe her audacity. You laid on your bed trying to compose yourself while staring up at your ceiling.

What would Draco say if you told him she had confronted you like that? Surely, he’d be on your side. 

You turned to your others side. But Astoria was right, you did turn him down. And you aren’t getting your memories back. Even if he were to start ‘liking’ you again that wouldn’t change.

-

You felt lonely, Ginny was too upset with you to talk to you and you were trying not to talk to Draco. Even though you truly hated Astoria, she was right. Your crush on Draco would only mess with both of your lives. You weren’t speaking to the two most important people in your life. You couldn’t find a reason to get out of bed, so you didn’t.

You heard soft knocks at your door. “I’m letting myself in.” Ginny said. She took in your room and tried to ignore the mess before making her way to you. “I’m so sorry if I went too far. You’re my bestfriend. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine Ginny.”

“Then what’s wrong with you.” She said. “You’re not treating yourself right.”

You stayed silent. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Y/n please.” Ginny said quietly running her fingers through your hair. “We’re so worried about you.”

“I’m fine.” You said turning away from her.

“Is this about Draco?” GInny said, she had only seen you like this once before.

You couldn’t help the way the sobs racked your body. “Merlin, I just love him so much.”  

“Oh sweetheart.” She climbed into bed with you, hugging you tight as you cried. 

“I just don’t want to keep hurting him.”

“I know.” Ginny said pressing kisses to your forehead. “But do you honestly think Draco would be anything but happy to hear you love him?”

“I don’t want to risk it.”

“Just fucking being in the same space as him makes me happy,” You said. “I don’t want to make him want to leave.”

“Haven’t you seen how close him and Ron are?” Ginny said. “He could hate you and he’d put that aside to live with his bestie.”

You laughed at that,

“You’re my best friend.”

“I know.”

“I love you Ginny.” “I love you too.” She said. “So please get yourself together and go get your man.”

-

It took you three days to work up the nerve to talk to him. 

You stared at yourself in the mirror, your makeup was done but not to the point it would be too obvious, and your hair looked slightly cuter than usual. 

“Get yourself together.” You told yourself, you stood up from your vanity with determination.

A knock sounded through your room, it was probably Ginny asking you when you were planning on making the move.

“I’m coming.” You groaned. You swung your door open expecting Ginny but were met with Draco.

“Draco.” You said curtly, “Sorry, I thought you were Ginny.”

“Are you going somewhere?” He asked,

“What?”

“You did your makeup, and your hair.”

There goes being subtle.

“Oh- uh-no.” You said.

He nodded, stuffing his hands into his pockets. You would’ve picked up on his weird behavior if it wasn’t for your nerves.

He opened his mouth to say something but you quickly interjected. “I need to tell you something.”

He opened his mouth again but you interrupted. “Sorry no interruptions, I need to get this out or I’m never going to say it.”

You sighed and he watched you curiously not saying a word. “I love you.” You said. “And no I don’t have my memories back, and I don’t know if they’re ever going to come back.” You choke back tears and Draco hasn’t moved an inch. You so desperately hoped he’d shut you up by telling you he loved you but you continued. “And I don’t need them to come back, because I’ve met you again. I’ve fallen in love with you again, and I know you have Astoria, I know that. But I feel like you should know that I love you because what’s more soulmatey than me falling in love with you twice.” You bit your lip, not looking him in the face as you took a deep breath before continuing. “I’m you’re soulmate Draco, I know it in my heart. I know that sounds so incredibly cheesy but I do, I see you and I can’t breathe because I love you so much. Every moment I’m not with you I’m thinking about you. I don’t need my memories to know that my feelings for you haven’t changed.”

There was a quiet pause. “You can talk now.” You said.

“I broke up with Astoria.” He said.

 “When?”

 “Just now, I just came from seeing her.” 

“Why?”

 “Because Y/n. I love you too. I never needed you to get your memories back. You’re not the same person I first fell in love with but it doesn’t fucking matter because I’m still irrevocably in love with you y/n. I never fucking stopped.” 

Your heart nearly exploded. You were frozen for a second, but only for a second. You were overcome with the urge to touch him. You all but launched yourself at him which he eagerly accepted. His lips caught yours and his hands went to your waist pulling your body to his. You had unwillingly caught Draco and Astoria kissing a few times, and everytime you couldn’t help but get angry. You had felt a possesiveness, he wasn’t hers for her to be touching like that. You let that feeling control you. Things were how they were supposed to be now. Your hands went to his chest and you couldn’t help but pull at his collar. You wanted it off, you wanted to feel his skin on yours. His kisses moved down to your neck, too focused on you.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this for.” You said lustfully.

He laughed, stopping the kisses. He took your face in his hands, smirking at you. “You have no idea.” His eyes were dark and his voice was low and raspy. You could fuck him right there in the hallway.

“Let’s take this inside, yeah?” You whispered in his ear. Pulling him into your room behind you

-

“I don’t get why you need to move out.” Ginny groaned as you pushed another box out of your room.

“I’m sorry Ginny, I promise you it wasn’t an easy decision to make.” You said.

“Is Draco forcing you to move? You know just because you’re back together doesn’t mean he’s the boss of you.”

“I know that Ginny, it was a mutual decision.” You said putting down the box to look at her. You loved living with your friends you really did, and you loved seeing how much they loved Draco. Although they would deny it entirely, by your friends living alongside of you they were nursing you back to health. You wouldn’t have made it without them, and now you were better. You wanted to prove to yourself that you would be okay without them as your crutch. Besides you knew that you would see them almost everyday anyways. Not that you would be completely independent, you would have Draco. 

You were finally where your life was supposed to be.

“We’ll still talk everyday.” You reassured her, pulling her into a hug.

“Treat her right Draco.” Ginny said. “Or you’ll have to deal with me.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” 

-

You bound up, sitting up in your bed. You had an unsettling dream, but it wasn’t a bad one in fact it was a pretty happy dream. Draco was there, but he was significantly younger and you two were arguing but you could tell neither of you meant what you were saying, and you were in Hogwarts and remembering Hogwarts had began to stop hurting.

It was a nice dream. Your grogginess immediately went away and you shook Draco awake.

“What’s the matter, what’s wrong.” Draco said pushing himself up to look at your face.

He just saw you staring at him with a big grin and tears streaming down your face.

“Y/n, what happened are you okay?”

“Draco,” You said choking on your sobs and throwing yourself at him.

He was still taking in what was happening when it seemed to click. He held you tight. “You have your memories back.” You didn’t say a word just feverishly nodding as you pressed yourself closer to him. 

“I’m so sorry for everything you had to go through.” You said pressing a kiss to his cheek. He nodded and began to cry too. 

“I’d go through it all again a million times over if it’s what it took to be with you.”

[thyluvcupix]

Sakuatsu fic recs!

im very picky on what i label to be a 'good fic' most of the ones are amazing but only a few will get bookmarkerd by me and here they are! My ao3 acc that has many more book marks mostly nsfw i diddnt put here

1

A liar's truth 49k words

okay this one is just breathtaking? if you havent read this pls do i cried sm😭

summary:

In which Sakusa Kiyoomi is raised to believe that gay people go to hell but then takes one look at Miya Atsumu and thinks, then why the hell did God make them so fucking hot?

2

I'll see you in court, motherfucker 2k words

its short and funny def worth a read if you wanna giggle

Summary:

“You’re still a fraud. You’re—you’re a scammer, is what you are. I don’t know how you convinced the hospital administration that you’re my husband, or that we even have a relationship, but I have—” Fuck, what’s the word? “Lawyers,” Kiyoomi says triumphantly, “I have lawyers, and if you’re trying to con me for some ulterior motive, I’ll have you know—” “Oh my god, Omi,” Miya says, sounding equal parts exasperated and horribly fond. “How can you be so cute?”

A pleasant side effect of being down one vestigial organ is forgetting the existence of your hot Olympic athlete husband

3

The 28 post cards you left me 8k words

Honestly, if i ever break up with someone this is exactly what i want from them? Like omg?? pls send me post cards, Super cute

Summary:

Atsumu takes texting your ex to a new level by sending Sakusa postcards in Animal Crossing instead.

4

The art of the thrist trap 4k words

naughty naughty, but other than that this fic is so funny? like ask ur brother how to rizz someone up

Summary:

“Samu, I’ve got a big problem.”

“Here we fuckin’ go. What is it this time?”

Atsumu needs to think strategically about how he’s going to phrase this. One wrong word and Osamu will hang up on him and Atsumu will be forced to wade through the hell of his own mind by himself.

“I jerked off to one of my teammates.”

Osamu hangs up.

5

Problem 5k words

super cute sleepy omi is something else

Summary:

Atsumu has a problem— somehow, he finds every version of Sakusa Kiyoomi adorable.

In which Atsumu realizes that Sakusa Kiyoomi gets very quiet and very adorable when he's tired. Things simply go downhill from there.

6

Take me where the music aint to loud 2k words

Protetive sakusa>>

Summary:

Winning against the Adlers must have meant something of a great deal to Sakusa, as usually he wouldn’t even consider going out with the rest of his team after the game.

Yet, here he is, in a somewhat crowded club, wearing a black button up shirt rolled up around his wrists and sweating a little under the bright lights.

Atsumu thinks he looks beautiful.

He wanders over to where Sakusa is standing with Meian, hoping that tonight, with a little bit of influence from alcohol, he might be able to get more conversation out of him than he can usually get outside of practice.

But of course, Atsumu can’t have anything good, ever. Because, blocking the way is his ex-boyfriend.

--

or; atsumu runs into his ex in the club, and sakusa has to rescue him

7

ROAD RAGE 2k words

This is funny on so many levels poor atsumu he fears for his life

Summary:

For a man who preaches at any given opportunity about the importance of good self-care practices, Sakusa certainly displays an astounding lack of self-preservation when behind the wheel.

Sakusa Kiyoomi has a driver’s license. Sakusa Kiyoomi cannot drive.

The two are not mutually exclusive.

8

The ascent to love (or descent) 3k words

Im always a sucker for hurt/comfort and this fic gives me that, its also funny as well so its a win-win type thing

Summary:

Stuck in an elevator with his boyfriend after a fight, Sakusa Kiyoomi couldn't think of anything worse. Working through their issues?  Maybe he could think of one thing.

9

Take me home 10k words

i just cannont stress how good this is, like its soul healing on so may levels gosh

Summary:

Turns out, Miya Atsumu never did a good thing in his life – his love was one-sided. And so, he was running away, hoping to meet some friendly people, take a bunch of pretty pictures and get over Kita Shinsuke.

In which Miya Atsumu is an exchange student in Italy, and Sakusa Kiyoomi is the only one knowing Japanese, forced to take care of the new student.

10

Hope is the thing with feathers 10k words

Two dummies taking care of some birds is honestly to good

Summary:

Kiyoomi wakes to Miya banging on his door, yelling words that put the fear of god in him.

“Omi-kun, get out here, we’re gonna be fathers.”

11

In the stars 1k words

In all honesty it made me think of the other side of love i never thought about

Summary:

Miya Atsumu is a romantic. He always had been. He believes in soulmates and destiny and true love in the stars. Sakusa Kiyoomi believes none of that.

My ao3↵

[thebunnycruise]

Less of a question and more of a comment, Im sorry if its in the wrong spot lol, I just had to say this. I promise it’s not a hate comment, and sorry for the length.

I have never in my life seen something that has made me feel so physically ill. I feel genuinely sick reading this, and mentally exhausted from it. I have never read anything that has ever made me want to do something about these topics so badly. I hate this comic, and feel every fiber of my body crumble that I can’t do anything to help these women. It’s such an uncomfortable and painful feeling to see such heinous acts being done to people who i know are just down on their luck and never deserved this. I hate to sound cliche, but this was the eye opener of the fucking century.

You should be proud of your work, you’re doing something that I haven’t ever seen work as effectively and as potently as this.

One question I guess; I unfortunately can’t donate, but what else could us readers do? This comic destroyed me and I’m genuinely desperate at this point to see some happy ending come out of this, and I don’t know what I can do.

Thank you for this question! And sorry for ruining your mood, I think... TL/DR: Giving a shit is free. I recall this one lady being interviewed by a local news reporter regarding her views on the homeless problem in her neighbourhood, and she said something that stuck in my mind: "The more I have to [pick up] human feces, the less empathy I have." I think that one comment really hit home why we're at this point in society. People connect with the characters on the Bunny Cruise because we see their backstories, how they got to where they are, what they've lost along the way, what they dream of for the future, and how they've suffered in trying to reach for that dream. But, even though we know the guy OD'ing on the sidewalk passed out in his own sick must have had a life, have dreams, it's not something we think of in the moment. The difference between the Cruise and real life is that the girls have each other to support them through it, but we will walk over or side-step the heroin addict on the sidewalk without a second glance. That "mentally drained" and "physically ill" feeling is the cognitive dissonance talking. It's when we're forced to confront an perspective that challenges our way of thinking, or in this case, face a fear that perhaps the only difference between us and 67, 10, the twins, or that guy on the sidewalk, is just pure luck. For a lot of us, this is something very uncomfortable, and it's much easier to put it out of our heads and move on with our lives. And politicians take advantage of this fear and apathy far too often. Famously, Mark Sutcliffe (Calling you out, asshole), the recently elected Mayor of Ottawa, campaigned on zoning land for more large, single-family homes rather than more compact, affordable housing. He called it "preserving the community and keeping it safe", but we all know what that really means by now. Or they will call for increased police spending and promise to be tougher on crime (which Sutcliffe also did). Because having bad luck or being neglected and abused by capitalism is a crime now... I think the easiest thing to do, is to just think about it, and speak up when the issue comes up. All too often, things like homeless shelters, affordable housing projects, and safe injection sites, don't get built because people don't want to think about the people living on the fringe of society. But the thing is, people with nowhere to go have to go somewhere.

I donate to a women's shelter because I've worked with women fleeing violence in the past, and it's an important cause for me. I also realize that I am in a very fortunate position to be able to pay rent and have a little left over to put toward charity work. But speaking up and spreading the word is free. The next time someone wants to veto a safe injection site project, speak up against them, ask them what millionaire real estate firm is lining their pockets. Vote for that city councilor campaigning to build shelters and affordable homes. Have a relative who says "the homeless deserve what's happening to them"? Shut them down, ruin that christmas dinner. They sound like a dick anyway.

It's not much, but I think if we can all treat our fellow humans a little better instead of kicking them to the curb, we can make a bit of a difference in the world.

[starbeltconstellation]

HEYYYYY!!!

i hope you’re well ❤️! i just wanted to come on here for a second to express how grateful im currently feeling for your story. i found it on ao3 a couple of days ago (wish i would’ve found it earlier but now i got a nice chunk of chapters to read through and hyper fixate over 😄😄) and i have been obsessed ever since. genuinely, you’ve made my august with this story.

this story feels so special to me. i’m so excited and giddy everytime i open the website back up to continue reading it (mannn i never wanna finish it) and it’s like the best part of my day.

i just wanna say that you’re a mf-ing genius. a. genius.

everytime something happens in the story i genuinely GASP. LIKE OH MY GOSH. im going insane over this fic. (the theories are bubbling inside of my brain about melanie and what’s gonna happen later on, i also love reading about people’s theories too man its so nice to see how invested everybody is cuz girl I AM.)

this story, man, it’s GREAT. it’s not only very well written, which im sure everybody appreciates as the flow is so nice, but it is also exciting, intense and beautiful. every single character had been on point, mischaracterising isn’t in your vocabulary. it’s like you know these lot personally. but anyway, it is a pleasure to read, like i said, VERY exciting and entertaining. i love our girl mel so much, she is so relatable and honestly just so real 😭 her reactions to most things are so valid like, girl same! she’s amazing, i don’t think i’ve ever encountered an OC as interesting and cool and well written as her. her whole storyline is just insane, bless her having all of this pressure and stress on her too lol 😭😭😭 but what can she do ahah, i mean?! the scene with the shopkeeper telling her to go back to her world had me absolutely stunned i was SHAKING. but i do think she made the right choice, she’s so strong.

like despite the fact that she knows all the hell she will have to endure there, she DID chose to stay, which is such a sacrifice. man i just wanna hug her and say thanks (i am not in the star wars universe but …)

everybody else too though, like ahsoka, obi-wan, anakin, the clones, mace, etc.. are also really cool to see the OC interact with, this is such a comfort fic for me, genuinely. it feels like i know them personally through this fr 🥲🥲🥲

i love reading the other’s comments on your story, it’s so nice to see this community form😭 like i’ve found my people LOL

thank you for feeding our star wars and anakin obsessions with your lovely story, i can’t get enough of it i swear im making a playlist for melanie as we speak.

anyhoo, just wanted to let you know how much i love this story and how much i appreciate you putting effort into creating something we can all take comfort in <3 i hope to stay and interact a lot more as i go on about reading the story!

Ahhhhh, oh my goshhh. Thank you so, SOOOO much, my dear little commenter. Haha. 🥺🥹❤️ This message was a big surprise when I first received it (which was a while ago, I know. 😭😅 I’m really sorry for the delay in response. Life gets the best of me at times. I’m trying to catch up on my asks), because at that time, I was still stuck struggling on the final bit of my huge whopper of a chapter that is now FINALLY out. ✊😖 Haha. And I just want you to know that your comment was SO helpful and motivating to me. Like… I’m not even joking. 😭 Your comment and a handful of other loyal readers (like my dear @ensomniaa ! 😌😆❤️) are probably the main reason I was able to trudge through my writer’s block and depression to get out the next chapter. So, just… thank you. 😭❤️❤️❤️❤️ Thank you for taking the time out of your day to write out such a long and in depth comment with such gushing words about my work and about how I’ve been writing the Melakin romance dynamic. It makes me feel like my writing isn’t half bad. Haha.

I always like to take my time responding to comments, because I feel I should always take the time and care to write out a detailed response that isn’t just copy pasted. You all take the time out of your day to comment to me, so it’s only fair I do the same! 🥺💕💕💕 So… my point is… I’m SO sorry this response took so long. 😭 I hope the wait time won’t have discouraged you from messaging again in the future. They truly do bring me such a big smile. And while I might not get to asks or comments immediately—ALL of my reader ducklings WILL eventually see a response. 😭💕❤️ I have made that my life’s goal. Lol.

Now, onto the ask! 😁✨💕 I’ll put the rest under a read more.

I’m soooo happy to hear that you’re so obsessed with my story and that it made your August! 😁✨❤️ Haha, it’s always exciting when I see someone new has stumbled over my fic. And I feel you with that hyper fixation. 😭✊ I’m BEGGING for my brain to give the SW hyper fixation back to me so I can churn out chapters at the speed of sound like when I did first starting this massive project. Lol. 🫠 So far… it’s still not working. But don’t worry! I shall NEVER abandon this story. I swearrrr, this thing will be my magnum opus. 😭✊Loool.

The fact my writing makes you giddy??? 😭 The fact it makes you theorize (which I ADORE when my readers do and ramble in the comments so I can muah-ha-ha to them. 😈😈💕😂) and gasp out loud?? 😭😭 The fact that you ENJOY reading through the different comments and seeing other readers’s theories and reactions?? 😭🥹💕❤️❤️❤️ You are what us writers call a rare GEM, dear reader. 🥺🥹❤️ To not only LEAVE a comment, but also just how you seem to genuinely enjoy commenting/reading other commenters’s thoughts because it feels like a fan community?? (And how SWEET to say I’m a big enough writer to have a little community. 🫠 I’m cryingggg. 😭❤️❤️) The fact you think I’m… a genius?? 🫣🥺😭❤️❤️❤️ (Idk about that, but I’ll put aside my anxiety issues. 😌 It is a lying liar who liessss).

Thank you. Thank you from the very BOTTOM of my heart. Idk what else I can say besides that, because rare reader gems like you keep us starving writers chugging along. 😭✊❤️

I’m SOOO glad you feel like everyone is in character. 😭❤️❤️ I worried about that a LOT. Especially for Anakin and the clones. There’s just a certain way about them that you have to get right, or they become 2-dimensional if you don’t write their little quirks and ticks. And I LOVE getting to explore the clones’s and Mel’s sibling-like relationship. 😭 I based most of their personalities on how they act around Mel off my annoying brother (affectionate 😌💕😂). I’m also so happy you feel the Jedi are also in character as well, and that it feels like a comfort to read them, like you’re learning about them along with Mel. 🥺💕 That was actually a lot of the idea with this fic (besides me living vicariously through Mel to romance Anakin, of course 👀😂❤️) over how I would slowly write scenes to SHOW the audience the misconception about the Jedi/their culture/certain characters. I didn’t want to PREACH to them. I wanted to present them with the evidence that maybe the Jedi aren’t “repressive” and “emotionless 🙄🤢” as they might’ve been led to believe by a big chunk of the fandom’s harsh perception. It would be like it was happening in time with Anakin as his thoughts change into something better and less self centered.

And I HAVE actually received a comment on Wattpad from a reader that my fic helped change their minds about Mace and the Council! 🥰🥰❤️ And it was just… such a joy to hear. 😭❤️ That’s the idea with this fic. I hope to reach across the aisle towards EVERYONE—maybe anti Jedi fans will read my work and have their minds changed about their culture. Maybe someone who despises Anakin to the bone will read my fic on a whim and slowly grow to care about him/see the humanity underneath the surface, just like Mel has. And maybe by the END of this fic… I’ll have convinced some people that the Jedi are not at fault for their own genocide by “failing” Anakin—because the truth is that it was HIS choice. Maybe by the end of this fic, there’ll be fans who’ll read the work and grow to see that you can love a character while still criticizing them/knowing they’re in the wrong (ie; Anakin 😔💔), while ALSO still acknowledging that he went through such horrible trauma as a kid while a slave on Tatooine… but it still DOESN’T absolve him or give him the right to hurt others just because he’s hurting himself.

That’s what this fic is all about, after all. GENUINE growth and change. Not placating a man by changing a few moments that he won’t have to go through in the timeline that will suddenly make him all “warm and fuzzy inside” and see the light. TRUE redemption and change means that Anakin will have to grow and ADMIT he was wrong while not becoming defensive when his actions (*cough* the Tuskens *cough*) are brought to light. Essentially, I’m trying to “Zuko-ify” him. (Loool, I know. Pretty high hopes for myself there. 😭😂❤️)

I’m also soooo happy you love and relate to Melanie so much. 🥹❤️❤️ Almost all readers have told me similar things, and it’s so wonderful to know that I’ve made a character that has been accepted by a small portion of the “SW/Anakin fandom”. 😆😁💕❤️ Mel came about when I was one day reading over an isekai story and just… not being able to fully immerse myself, because the OC’s reactions just didn’t seem realistic to me. 😭 And so I remember sitting down and imagining how I would react in such a situation (immediate freak out/think I was dreaming/would run in terror from Anakin’s hot ass at every opportunity 😌❤️‍🔥😂), and then that’s how Melanie Bains came into being! Haha. ❤️😁

So, while Mel IS somewhat of a stand-in for the audience (it IS an isekai fic after all 😭🤷‍♀️), it was still very important to me to make her three dimensional and—while yes, very relatable—also make sure she became her own character who could grow into herself. So a hero’s journey was important, along with giving Mel an antagonist (The Shopkeeper) separate from Anakin’s antagonist (Palpatine), because it was SOOOO important to have Mel have her own character arc/story AWAY from Anakin. It was important that Anakin wasn’t ALL she was about. Mel has friends (Ahsoka/the clones), she has her own plan she’s dealing with to try and save the galaxy while barely giving Anakin a second thought besides terror at first, and most importantly—Melanie is NOT begging Anakin to change. That was soooo important to me. She doesn’t have TIME to beg him to change. There’s too much at stake already, and if Anakin changed FOR Mel, it’s not even true change in the first place. Instead, as you’ve probably guessed from my latest chapter, Mel is INSPIRING him to change himself, because of the qualities about her he is coming to admire which in turn makes him take a look at his own selfish actions. This is always where I think “bad boy/I can fix him” writers get things lost in translation. It’s not true redemption if they change FOR the girl, because—as the Marvel movie Shang-Chi has recently shown us 🥶—if the girl ever dies… then the “bad boy/villain” goes right back to being evil. 😭🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️ What REAL redemption would be is meeting someone you grow to love who INSPIRES you to become a better version of yourself—not FOR them—but because you want to become someone like them. You want to stand by their side in the light and feel proud.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve ranted a lot. 😭😂❤️ But I just wanted to thank you soooo much again for your beautiful words that were so kind and truly brought a ray of light to my dreary days! 😭😭❤️❤️❤️ I only hope my long response time doesn’t discourage you from writing me messages in the future. 😅😓😭🫠 I’m so sorry again for the long wait.

But I have ADORED rereading your comment these past few days while I’ve been writing out my response. It’s so thoughtful and long and in depth and I lovveeee itttt. 😭❤️❤️❤️ THIS is what feeds our writer brains. Haha.

A playlist sounds awesome! 💕💕💕���💕 I already made one for Anakin and Mel and the Melakin romance, as you can see from my last response. But I would still ADORE getting to know songs that you think fit with my fic and Mel and Anakin’s journey! 😭❤️❤️ If you ever do make it, please hit me up and send a linkkk! 👀👀🙏

Thank you so much again for letting me know my writing brought you such comfort. 😭💕 I hope you’ll stay and interact more as well! 😭❤️ I always love hearing theories or getting a comment to see a reader is rereading or that two readers are discussing something about my fic together. Haha. 😄✨❤️

And so, I suppose I’ll leave it here! I ADORE you and love you so much, dear reader. I am picking you up and hugging you like a stuffed animal. (Glomp!) 🤗🫂

I hope to hear from you again soon! 🥺💕 I’m so sorry again for the wait. 😭

And now… off to reply to four more asks. Lol. ✊

Gotta blast! 🏃‍♀️💨✍️👩‍💻

-

To any readers that stumble across this and are curious enough to check out my fic:

-

Tags:

@ensomniaa

@heartfairy

@fangirlteallie

@lemons-2-limes

@shoniwake

@silverwoodj

@lexskiss

@selenaftmarvel

[simmyfrobby]

i hope you don't mind me asking — but how / why did you pick the teams you cheer for currently? i just realized we don't have favorite teams in common but i love your energy and all of your poetry posts so much 🫶

oh so the penguins just happened to be the first team i found when i googled “hockey” but the bruins were an accident and also a mistake.

i don’t entirely know why i like the teams i like. i think i just tend to pick one character or dynamic i find interesting and follow that down a rabbit hole. i got into hockey after watching the pens 2009 cup documentary

(big strong manly dudes who talk about sports like it’s war and celebrate hard hits, playing through injuries, and getting into fights, who also nicknamed their little goalie friend Flower and made sure to give him forehead kisses after every game. i didn’t stand a chance)

so sid, geno, tanger, (talbot), and most of all flOWER were my first loves and ive kinda just stuck with them ever since.

at one point i tried to put together a spreadsheet to figure out which other teams to root for (based on their names, logos, place in the standings, nr of scandinavians etc). i immediately eliminated all the red white and blue teams because i thought the colour combination was unimaginative, then eliminated all the teams whose logo was just a letter because i thought that was stupid, then forgot all about the spreadsheet because a bruins fan was nice to me and i decided to root for her team just because i liked her vibe.

(dragged one friend down the marcheron rabbit hole with me and we watched game 7 together and i will truly genuinely never stop feeling guilty about putting her through all that. then bergy retiring broke me unfixable etc etc and now we’re here)

minnesota kinda became my team a few months ago, mainly because flower plays there, but also because i got to watch them play in stockholm and that was v exciting for me. the wild have been getting most of my attention lately because that’s the fandom where i have the most fun. whereas the goalies and the superstars tend to suck up most of the oxygen in other fandoms, wildblr for some reason tends to focus on the fourth liners and the losers and that’s more my vibe just in general.

hockey is only really an internet hobby for me, and none of my Real Life Friends really care about it, so i need some fandom friends to yell about these things with. im also several timezones behind and i catch most games a few hours after the fact, so if i have to scroll through a lb of a fandom that’s very negative i tend to just blacklist that tag. there’s a few teams i now see very little of & don’t massively care about for that reason.

this turned into a much longer reply than i intended but also i just really liked the question & you worded it real kind so i didn’t want to half ass it.

there’s other players i still like even though i don’t keep up w the team much (eichel, natemac, that little slutty guy from montreal, bertuzzi, tk, ej, etc etc) but there’s only so many hours in a day, you know?

[iamthat-iam]

Hiiiii, I really like ur blog and teachings and I feel like I get but I really don’t yk lol 😂 (this is crying btw).

I don’t really know how to explain this or put this in words but I think I just may have overconsumed information and all that when it is just that easy but I just feel stuck.

Like I know nothing is real and everything is just an illusion, and feels like even while writing “I” in this Im contradicting myself. Because the person writing this is just an illusion and I know that, but is nothing in this world real? Like I am the creator and I everything that I know of, the beginning of this world/illusion. Am I everyone in this planet? Am I everything or am i nothing? Or is nothing and everything the same? Are you me or am i you? I feel like Im close to getting but I just don’t see it yet. Are we all just “ “? And are we all connected to being a single it “ “?

Like my whole life is just an illusion/dream so I just don’t mind it and ignore and turn my awareness to something else? My imagination and what I have considered real are all the same thing, but are they existing all at once or only when I turn my awareness to them? Are my thoughts even real? What is imagination really? Because when I imagine things I imagine them for a short time inside my thoughts so should I just give reality to them by turning my awareness to them? And to be finally free do I just ignore my thoughts and let them be because they aren’t real anyway, just continue living the illusion. But how do I break from the illusion? Do I just turn my awareness somewhere else? My imagination? Can I just make up a new character with a new story and turn my awareness into that? How do I break free? How do I let go of my emotions? How do I just be? Because I don’t want to be this character/person anymore. I can’t barely stand seeing myself in the mirror and I feel like Im full of anger and hate, even lashing out on others. If what I see with my human eyes isn’t real then is nothing real? Is nothing real, like is the ego, dreams, imagination, tv series, books etc not real at all and just exist when I turn my awareness to them? Am I everything everywhere all at once? Or am I just nothing, a void, and give reality to things but shifting my awareness towards them? I don’t know.

Sorry for all this rambling, I just don’t know what to do anymore. Thank you for reading all this and Im sorry if I wasted your time. You must be tired from answering all these questions. I really appreciate what you do, your blog is one of the places that I go to try and understand this concept of non duality. 🩷

Hi! Thank you for the kind words.

I'm asking you to reread your ask because you answered all of your questions.

Everyone and everything that appears is you.

Without labels and ideas about what you are, you are nothing, or " "

You are " " which means everything is " "

Everything is happening at the same time, now

There is no imagination there is only " " experiencing " "

You were never the person that you want to get rid of, they're not real

Nothing is real other than your sense of being

Now is the time to see this for yourself. All of your questions and doubts will go away, but you have to experience it. You already answered your questions in the ask, now you need to trust yourself enough to take the leap of faith. It's very simple, all you have to do is look.

[razz-is-queer]

oh also anon from earlier— do you have lyrics for your songs posted anywhere? if not no problem i just wanted to stick some in my journal and want to make sure im not mishearing them

yes, for some reason my distributor is not actually uploading the lyrics even though i tried to attach them so i’ll post them here. :)

remember: i remember that night

you got so close to me

i held on so tight

would never let go

for the rest of my life

i’ve been thinking so much about what we are together

i’ve been stressing so much over you

now that you’re gone

i wish i was more poetic

i wish i could leave you alone

i wish i was a little bit better

i wish i was a little bit better (x2)

raindrops on my windowpane

remind me of you (x5)

sorry:

it’s the end of the world

‘at least mine anyways’

i’ll apologize til i lose my voice

or until you tell me to stop saying the s-word

and after you tell me to finally stop

i’ll say it one more time out of habit

so, so i’ll go, so i’ll go, far awayyyy

leave, you in peace, for the rest, of your days

tell me all your secrets

i’ll joke about them to all my friends

sticks and stones in my bones again

words stuck in my head forevermore

and so, so i’ll go, so i’ll go, far away

leave, you in peace, for the rest, of your days

you’re different, and i’m worthless

you’re awesome, and i’m worthless

you’re special, and i’m worthless

you’ve moved on, and i’m sorry

ocean:

drifting in an endless ocean of black

your picture looms over the horizon

i can run and run and never get closer

i love you so so much, but you’re gone

i can never reach you in this sea

splashes echoing but never reaching your ears

eyes darting but never meeting yours

i must have enough love to fill an ocean

a dark ocean, now that you’re gone

a dark ocean that i will never find a shore of

a dark ocean i’ll be in forever

a dark ocean i will never escape no matter how hard i try

an endless, hopeless ocean

interlude: (instrumental)

time:

time is running out

every second counts

running to my house

can’t escape it now

and i know that

this won’t last much longer

much longer (x2)

panic setting in

wonder will it end

painting on the wall

watching my downfall

but i know 

that this won’t, this won’t end soon

won’t end soon (x2)

it doesn’t feel the same anymore

your words don’t sound the same anymore

your hands don’t feel the same anymore

we are not the same anymore

glow:

bury me, somewhere i can

wake up in the pink opaque

draw the ghost, on my neck

in pink marker

hold my heart, near your chest

and hear it beat

close the lid, and cover me

cause there’s still time

i don’t want to, i don’t want to stay

i want to go away (x2)

bugs // unfinished:

will you still 

love me 

when i’m underground

will you still hold me

when im not myself

when the bugs eat my brain

they’ll see visions of you (x4)

i’m cutting out the pieces

to put you in a box

i’m severing my brain stem

so i can’t get any thoughts

i’m putting back the puzzle

we finished on the floor

so that i don’t want to

kill myself anymore

everything ends:

i wanna love you like it’s breathing

i wanna hold you like i need it

and your eyes, are so pretty tonight

and your eyes, remind me of the stars

drown me

in the sea

as i watch it all

crumble to dust

everything ends (x4)

i could see this coming a mile away

and what will writing songs do to stop it

what am i doing here

why am i here

i told you everything happens for a reason

and you told me everything ends

and you’re right

everything ends (x3)

morning: (instrumental)

[rowanaelinn]

Wires - Chapter Ten

Hey everyone! Im so sorry for the wait. It’s a very short chapter, but it’s an important one! My inspiration for this story isn’t great, i’m very sorry for this. I hope you will enjoy it :)

Warnings: Mention of death | Word Count: 1,600

Even stuck in the world between dreams and real life, Aelin knew something was strange. She felt warm, and not in the way one did when they were comfortably wrapping blankets. No, as she woke up slowly, she felt arms around her. But even as the real world started to catch up to her, she realized that she wasn’t only wrapped up in blankets. Her face wasn’t resting on a pillow, but on something warm and hard.

Her eyes opened, and it took a few seconds to realize where she was. On whose chest her head was resting. Her head snapped up, taking in Rowan’s face. He was awake, his arms wrapped around her body and his eyes on her.

Shit.

This wasn’t a sight she had beheld in years. In their younger years, on the nights they happened to share a bed, they had always found each other in the night. They woke up that way, tangled into each other. Then, it had been a comfort. She’d always pretended to sleep a little longer, if only to enjoy his embrace for longer.

But today, it didn’t feel comforting.

Well, that was a lie. It did feel comforting, but she also felt a rush of anxiety course through her veins. She sat up, passing a hand over her face and through her hair.

“Aelin,” Rowan’s voice was deep, which meant he hadn’t woken up too long ago. He reached for her, a hand on her waist. “Are you alright?”

Was she?

She had told him yesterday. Told him about everything. He knew now. Knew about the accident, about her leg. About his own cousin. He knew the darkest stains on her soul, the way she had wished Rowan would have been hurt with her if only it meant she wouldn’t be alone. He knew the truth about what happened a few weeks ago, on how she had wanted those pills and alcohol to guide her into the afterworld.

He knew everything she had spent years hiding from the world, he knew the image she had built was false. And he was still here. He hadn’t run away, hadn’t left.

She looked behind her, at the man who had once meant everything to her, only to find herself hating him after. And now… Now, she had no idea where she stood. But she didn’t push his hand away, didn’t push him away as he sat behind her, not as he tentatively placed a hand on her shoulder. “Are you alright?” He asked again.

“Why are you here?” She dared to ask.

“Usually when I’m in a bed it’s to sleep, though other times--”

She slapped his shoulder, “I can’t believe you just made that joke!” She could help it, she laughed. His face light up as he laughed too, shaking his head.

“It was just so easy.”

She rolled her eyes, her smile still spread on her face. She looked down at her hands for a second, before asking more seriously, “But why are you here? Why did you stay?”

His eyebrows furrowed for a second, and he looked down at where her nails picked on her skin. “Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because you hated me yesterday.”

“Yesterday I lacked information. I didn’t know everything.”

She bit on her lip, “So you’re here by pity, is that it?”

He leaned back, the frown deep on his face. “Don’t put words in my mouth, and don’t look for a fight.”

She pulled back, “That’s not what I’m doing.”

He sighed, eyes closing for a second before he said, “It scares me, too. To have you so close to me again. I know we haven’t… agreed on everything.” On whose fault the accident was, that was what he meant. “And I know it’s easier to avoid change but this isn’t happening today or in the days after. Aelin, there is no going back.”

She looked away, “What if I don’t want things to change?”

“You rather hate me?” She could feel the way his voice slightly quivered, feel the hurt behind it.

Did she? These past few days, hell, these past few months she had no idea what she truly felt. “I think it’s easier.”

He took it in, thinking and then asked, “But is it better for you?”

She knew she couldn’t lie. Not anymore. And even then, she had been good at lying to him. She shook her head. No, it wasn’t better for her.

A ragged breath escaped him, and he said, “I missed you, Aelin. So much. It was hard these past few years.”

She looked at him, at the vulnerability showing on the features she was so used to see hard. She swallowed and linked their hands together. “You said it. There’s no going back now.”

He smiled at her then. It was tentative, and yet sincere. “I’ll never let you go again.”

She hoped he wouldn’t, while at the same time hoping he would. Wouldn’t it be easier to hate him? Rather than to face all these strange feelings twisting her stomach?

But… She wouldn’t push him away. She would let him stay, and if he messed up… Then it’d be done. For good.

The thought was scary and overwhelming because…

---

“I fucked up,” she gasped the second her cousin opened the door. He was barely awake, his eyes not fully opened. Until she said those two words. Then, his eyes widened. She pushed him to enter the bedroom, only to find Lysandra barely awake as well on their bed. Though, Aelin hated her a little. Who the hell looked that good when waking up? Life was unfair.

“What did you ta—"

“He’s fucking back in my life,” she said, looking at him and allowing him to glimpse at her insecurities and fear.

“Rowan?” Lysandra gasped, shock and surprise in her voice as well as on her face. As if it was obvious Rowan was the only person who could make her feel that way. Maybe he was.

Aelin nodded, staring to bite on her nails until Aedion grabbed her wrist and pulled her hands away. He sat on the couch facing the bed. “Explain.”

She took a deep breath and nodded. “Yesterday… I was sleeping and he knocked on my door. He was so fucking drunk, and his room was too far for me to walk him there… I helped him, and then he saw my leg.”

“Fuck,” Aedion breathed.

“What happened?” Lysandra asked.

She looked at her friend then, and tears started to pool in her eyes. “I told him about the accident, even things I’d never… I couldn’t say those things to anyone, and yet I told them to him. Then I told him about the night you found me,” she told Aedion, and hurt flashed in his eyes. And then, he cried with me. And now, he doesn’t want to let me go anymore.”

The couple shared a look Aelin couldn’t decipher.

“How do you feel?” Aedion asked her, as if that was what mattered then.

But then, maybe it did.

She shrugged, “I don’t know. I’m afraid and fucking excited, too.”

Lysandra smiled and stood, coming to stand on Aelin’s other side. She grabbed her hand, the gesture of a friend trying to help ease her anxiety. “I think it’s a good thing,” she said with deliberate carefulness.

Aelin snapped her head toward her. Lysandra had never met Rowan, but she’d heard the little stories Aelin had told her. And Aedion himself had a rivalry going on with Rowan, as well as an explosive past because of their family. Lysandra had never been the Whitethorn’s biggest fans according to those stories. And things hadn’t changed. Rowan’s dad had… He had ruined it all. “What?”

Lysandra threw a look at Aedion and then returned her gaze on Aelin. “Alright, nobody else will say it so I will. You’re a mess, Aelin,” she said with gentleness, as if she wasn’t criticizing her. “But lately… It’s been worse. And we,” another look toward Aedion. “Noticed that it usually happened when he’s around, you know? Aelin… I didn’t know you back then, but your cousin did and from everything that he’s told me,” she took a deep breath, squeezing Aelin’s hand again. “You loved him. Maybe you still do, least of all as friends. What happened that night was tragic, but whosever fault it was, it’s neither yours nor Rowan’s.”

Aelin tried to not show any reaction at that word. Love. Because it wasn’t what she’d felt for Rowan as a teenager, at least not in the romantic sense of it. It’d been too different from what she’d felt for Chaol and her other former boyfriends for it to be love.

Aedion straightened beside her, as if he disliked the sound of this as much as she did.

Lysandra kept going. “You two have been punishing each other for years over something that affected you, but wasn’t caused by you. You were deeply hurt, and it was normal for you to react that way but… It’s been years, Aelin. Now, it’s time to heal.”

She shook her head, tears burning in her eyes. Then, one escaped as she said, “You don’t get it.”

“Tell us, then,” Aedion asked, a hand on her knee.

“I’d be betraying dad if I went back to a Whitethorn.”

“No,” Aedion said, stopping her immediately from keeping on going. “You think that if uncle Rhoe woke up today and saw you high and drunk and angry and fucking suicidal he’d be happy? He wouldn’t give a shit of who you spend your time with, as long as his little daughter is happy. And you’re not. I’ve tried to help you, but I can’t… But if he can make you happy, even if I still hate the prick, run for it. You deserve it.”

Tears were streaming down her face and she hugged him. And he hugged her back. When she pulled away, she looked at the both of them and asked for confirmation, although she had known that from the moment she woke up in Rowan’s arms again, “It’s a good thing, then, right?”

Lysandra smiled. “It’s a good thing, Lin. That night didn’t have to take that from you.”

••••••

@sheharahu // @morganofthewildfire // @thestoriesyoutell // @fromthelibraryofemilyj // @swankii-art-teacher // @itsforeverinnocent-blog // @becarefuloflove // @imnotsogoodatthis // @rowaelinismyotp // @a-court-of-milkandhoney // @feysand-loml // @elentiyawhitethorn // @live-the-fangirl-life // @story-scribbler // @loves-books // @fangirlprincess09 // @theysayitscrazy // @danibutterr // @endlessdaydream // @thegreyj // @gracie-rosee // @acreativelydifferentlove // @cretaceous-therapod // @louphantomdragon // @mis-lil-red // @backtobl4ck // @whoever-you-choose-to-love // @lemonade-coolattas // @mad-madeline-ace // @the-introverted-bibliophile // @leiawritesstories // @emilyoftheshadows // @anniesbookshelf // @rainbowcheetah512 // @astra-ad-mare // @story-scribbler // @superspiritfestival // @wordsafterhours​ // @rowaelinrambling // @black-daisy-water // @fireheart-violet // @livsdriverslicense // @charlizeed // @ladykreads // @mariamuses // @autumnbabylon // @justreadertings​ // @highqueenofelfhame​ // @earthtolinds // @bowdawn