#i don't drink but i need to rn
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Frieren: Himmel actually gave me a ring with a similar design to your bracelet (a lotus flower).
Sein: *explains what lotus means*
Me, processing everything in less than a second:
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I feel like I can never do hobbies by halves lmao. I've been learning how to make whiskey drinks lately and I'm over here like "what if I got one of those really smoky scotches and made myself an old fashioned with thistle honey and exorcism bitters. what if I used the honey to salt the rim with a smoked sea salt. what if I called it the fulton. what if I designed other drinks for my other favorite characters, too, and--"
#yes this is a sleep no more post#I don't own any really peaty scotches rn#I tried a few with dad a few months ago and really liked them though#might watch for sales on some that are relatively cheap#I don't need the fancy shit for cocktails but I'd also just... drink them... think about sleep no more... stare into the middle distance...
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thinking about older women
#hey auntie 👉🏾👈🏾#some of them b dancing on that line and i am looking respectfully (´ . .̫ . `) ♡#many such cases... giggling at how often w how many ppl aksjak family friends.. or it be ur own family 💀💕#someone's mom would joke about snatching me up like 😭😶🌫️ ma'am first of all .. would#and the touchy prima (〒﹏〒) ♡ yes please put ur hands on me i am so comfortable with physical contact ( ꈍᴗꈍ) let me hold ur hand ♡#🚶🏾♀️ being hot is nice sometimes#the forbidden fruit... hey tía (´ . .̫ . `) 👉🏾👈🏾💕#some of the exchanges I've had were so 😵💫😵💫 ma'am.. i got a lil crush on u.#← not my actual family. i do not have one. engaging in one from this perspective is a lil different yfm 🚶🏾♀️u don't have to get it#or maybe u do idk im zooted rn and feeling rly gay abt aunties and older women in general okay 😩💕#i need to go sweet talk someone's tía i know she's looking beautiful tonight 🚶🏾♀️ i see u girl. i love ur hair your nails are beautiful#i love your color coordination you have such good fashion sense ( ꈍᴗꈍ) ♡#ur earrings are so pretty i love your necklace i love your bracelets (｡ﾉω＼｡) lemme go help y'all cook or I'll make the drinks whateve#let's talk.. ♡#Lupe... what are you up to these days 😩💕 my favorite. a family friend#i kinda see family friends as family too sorta bc my fam was p small when i did have one so a friend would be a basically auntie#but also not.. technically. so ╮(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)╭ idk. they r tías 2 me though and i love them.#they r so nicey 2 me ｡:ﾟ(;´∩`;)ﾟ:｡ ♡#she wanted me to say her name n talk to her in Spanish a lil bit and she ate it up 😵💫 (｡ﾉω＼｡) ♡ she loved the way i say her name#i had such a crush on her omfg. low-key but not but yeah but respectfully..
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not to sound too horny but i want a chenford sex scene so bad.
#*carly catalogs#started giggling thinking about them running off to go have some quality naked time at nolan's wedding#because they'd probably be making love like it's THEIR wedding night sszrdftyghjkl#i can just picture the rest of the gang back at the reception sipping their drinks like 'nah not gonna go up there for awhile' 😂😂#the rookie#tim bradford#lucy chen#chenford#otp: you knkw me so well#gotta say i am insanely jealous of stellarider's and that shower sex scene they got 12x01????#even if it was a split second thing like i could almost start watching the show just bc of that#(but i'm not going to cause i don't care enough to commit anymore to 12 fucking seasons of a show lol)#(maybe if i had started it earlier)#sorry it's 3am and i'm losing sleep cause we're getting the s6 trailer today#give it to me rn i need it
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the irritable stomach and nausea are surprisingly making it much harder to stay hydrated than fed
#don't people ordinarily tolerate liquids better? it's weird.#liquids are actively repulsive rn I drink something and it's like I feel it sitting there in my stomach and doesn't want to be there#I got like. dry crunchy cereal to eat. that feels most tolerable#but like I really do need to be consuming a lot of water it's just. bleh#m#whining#diagnosed as medication side effect apparently. at least tentatively#cocktail of make me miserable#what the fuck is IN these things how do they be fucking up everything#doctor was like he had to take them too at one point and they made him so depressed he couldn't finish the regimen#like christ#but just like 1.5 weeks more we can do this gang
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i was gonna say "i shouldn't have to go to work when my brain feels like a depression slushie" and then i was like "wait but then i'd basically never ever go to work" and i'm actually doubling down on the first part now bc my god how am i supposed to heal my brain from burning out 5 years ago if i can never get an actual break
#//juri speaks#i also at this moment: do not know if i have health insurance anymore / if i will be able to get insurance#if i can't get insurance i will not be able to take classes this fall#if i can't take classes my loan repayments will kick in immediately#i already don't have enough money for anything and i certainly don't have a spare $150 a month for the government#at any rate i need to submit my tuition waiver Soon but i can't until i know if i can get into the second class#so i have to wait for the prof or my advisor to get back to me#all the while a funeral day draws nearer#and then AT work i still feel like my position doesn't need to exist#but i desperately need it to exist because i need the money#and this big mchuge data migration project we were SUPPOSED to have had done in JUNE is being pushed to the absolute last minute#not by us but by the folks in control of the software we're moving to#so we're not going to have any safety margins with the old software#it's going to be GONE and dead and unlicensed while we're trying to learn the new shit#and i'm going to have to deal with the other branch cataloger trying to do everything for us which Won't Help#and i need!!!!!! a break!!!!!!!!!! from everything!!!!!#i need the world to stop and i need to go sit in the desert for like 6 months#instead best i can do is go buy the new taz gn for a little crumb of escape. maybe a little coffee drink while i'm there#even though i've been hitting sugar hard lately and really do not have the funds to buy more clothes if i gain a few more lbs#and can't afford a walking pad/treadmill and don't want to go outside bc it is a billion degrees all day every day rn#uuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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do i really want to make individual drinks again
#reaching back into the file cabinets of my mind to remember how i made certain drinks when i worked at the cafe#in preparation for the possibility of this new job#it would certainly mean far less goofing off time than i have at my current job. and i value my goofing off time dearly#but the people here are so fucking annoying lmao. i hate them soooo much#not that the people at this new job would be any better. we're still dealing with investment bankers#godddddd. what i really would want (which would be impossible)#would be to go back to working at the cafe but like. still have paid time off and insurance lmao#but the cafe was a small business and he was not offering paid time off and insurance. and the pay was way less#but i did get to play whatever music i wanted. unfortunately you cant live on that#like i can always say no to this new job if its offered to me. but is my goofing off time worth:#2 dollars less in pay and a half hour to an hour's more commute. well i dont know#a shorter commute would mean i could sleep more. and have more time at home .#i mean i probably don't Need all this goofing off time. but its nice#i dont knowwwwwww#like even though im a bit nervous abt doing it again i know that i would easily fall back into the routine of making drinks#which i was fairly good at. my one drawback is that i cant do latte art but i dont know that theyd really care here#and (because i found the menu of where id work) theres not a ton of drink options?? just the standard stuff#its being called a starbucks cafe but 1) its not managed by them and 2) it does not have their 5 billion drink options#so thats good. less to worry about#doesnt look like i even have to make anything foodwise which i had to at the cafe#here it looks like people can just buy a pastry and thats it#the hours are like. the same i work now. also good#sorry im like using this post to think through my thoughts.#uhhhh oh i looked up the manager who looks like a weenie so im not keen on the prospect of interviewing with him#but i probably would have thought that about my current manager if id seen a pic of him prior to interviewing. i guess???#and with these kind of catering units it seems you dont often deal directly with the manager that much anyway#i just gotta see if i get good vibes#rn i have unsure vibes. but i need a sign to see if this could be good for me#oh id also save money on transportation. and taxes! bc i wouldnt be working in ny anymore#lol oops tag limit. well i hope you enjoyed my job thoughts you probably didnt i know i didnt
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now why did dazai say here he wanted to ask chuuya sth 🧐🧐...? WHAT WAS THE QUESTION SUPPOSED TO BE?! like I know it'd be probably another joke but what would he say hadn't he made that joke...
#also yk when you're scared of ur feelings / don't want the other person to know sth so you start saying sth and then stop mid sentence?#not bc u didn't realize what u were saying but bc there was some hope maybe you'd hear what you wanted to hear#or just that you wanted to live in the fake reality for a moment and imagine yourself asking that not necessarily wanting an answer#yeah that's what happened here 😍#no but tbh i think sth similar happened in ch 101#but actually not similar ahhhh I'll make a post abt that#anyways WHAT WAS THE QUESTION SUPPOSED TO BE DAZAI I NEED TO KNOW 😭#and don't tell me it would've been a joke i listened to one too many skk songs today#soukoku#bsd#okay actually im not finished bc this is another time where Dazai purposefully acts like a person / character in love with the other#(character bc how he does that is stereotypical. like an archetype from a movie) (the Book thoughts in my head rn)#so yeah like you don't say such a think to a random person or a colleague like THE BONDDDD god#and the fact chuuya really gets scared....#remember in 15 when they first met and Dazai was like 'will you let me go... if I talk?' and then he said chuuya ought to drink more milk😐#imagine if adult!Dazai's question was meant to be 'have u been drinking milk?' with that blank annoying expression of his#bungou stray dogs
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And the research is going well and my supervisors love my work but I have a surgery coming up and im scared of what will happen to me if I don't go back to baseline before the surgery and my supervisors don't know how bad I'm actually doing. They think I'm a mild/ moderate case of long covid.
#i need to stop working but i worked so hard to get there#but i got so bad because i worked so hard#i don't know what to do#but having people over every day who can help me eat and drink and move things#is giving me more energy to realize that this is ridiculous#I've been barely surviving for a year and a half#i cant believe i kept myself alive#i didn't cook from January to May this year#i still can't really cook i have to ask people to do all the cutting and stirring for me#i think im having an attack rn bc i tried to pimp up some leftovers for my friend#the denial is breaking and the reality is bleak
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Casual reminder post that all of my drabbles are tagged with "sparky writes" in case you want to make sure you've read them all 💕💕💕
#your internet mom has been drinking again#i might be an alcoholic idk#don't really want to think about it rn~~~#the hubs and i have been watching trivia videos on youtube lol#i hope my favorite son is asleep because he needs it#by which i clearly mean my irl son#obvi#definitely#probably
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i practically never drink caffeine but i just had an energy drink cause i wanna stay up late and work on cosplay stuff, and i'm not sure if it made me less tired but umm it sure did something
#so far it has made my head spin slightly#and made me have to pee#it's 1:30 am rn and i guess i'm not that tired?#but then again staying up this late isn't usually a problem so idk#i just needed some extra energy to be able to get some work done#which i guess is maybe working?#idk last time i had an energy drink it did absolutely nothing for me#you know what my arms feel really light right now#maybe that's because of the drink idk hard to tell#don't mind me
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I fucking hate it when I'm super motivated to get things done, I really want to do it, I'm excited to do it!
- but I have no energy to get up off the couch. I'm so tired. I can't move. I just want to sleep.
I got up 1two hours ago. why am I this tired, it's not fair 😭
#I woke up relatively early today and was excited about that! but I couldn't get up and then slept three more hours#I literally hate this so much#I'm trying to drink an energy drink rn but it's not doing anything at all#I'm literally tired all of the time and I don't understand how im supposed to live like this#ok now my hands ate getting really weak so I need to stop#personal
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Me, being a damn freight-train of productivity for two weeks, with only minor energy crashes once a week: "Okay, doing... Super good. Keep the momentum, just keep the momentum going, we'll be able to rest once the place is set up atleast a lil bit and Piki can come here with me-"
*unexpected delays in plans, ppl not answering my calls because of said delays and workload juggling, UPRAVNA ENOTA, unexpected expenses, and other things that kept happening in these two weeks that were building up, catching up with me*
Me, waking up very much NotOkay™️: "O-okay, let's survive this, we'll survive this, it will be fine, we can have a proper crash after this week-"
My period, that I knew was coming:
Me:
#moca grumbles#i need to buy myself some fucking blueberry/regular grape juice to get through this shit#roleplay an alcoholic so I don't become one because damn it is so tempting#got family history with it tho so no thanks. not ruining my life with cocktails/vodka/national treasures of the chicken shaped homeland#got to figure out a way to really fucking Relax without sleeping for two days in a row after a stressful active period#and drinking/getting drugged up ain't the way I will achieve that#vent#I need sleep but CAN'T REALLY GET THAT RN#fucked up my sleep schedule and want to unfuck it b4 my pissbaby comes here if possible#... which is this or next week#AND I'll have to deal with mother#*turns into a weeping puddle of goo* this is fine
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Gotta write a production report for two songs we recorded and I'm gonna have to do at least a third of it for a group of 6 after having done about half of the recording and editing work for one of these two projects...all that cause I still haven't found an internship so I can't just say : do it without me.
It's a little exhausting. I know they will work if I really push them but they'll do it super late and I'll have to revise it when I get back home from the small concert I've allowed myself to go instead of my portuguese lesson (brazilian artist so it's all good my teacher said, I still feel bad) and I'll have to run around tomorrow morning to print it and I'll assume the cost again.
It's...yeah it's exhausting. And my thesis is so far behind, and I still have no internship. I wanna keep strong but man that diploma is slipping away from me. I'm not even sure I have good enough grades at my exams now !
#yeah ok the anxiety is back#I have meds that are over the counter so like not great stuff but I'll just chug that down and hope it does something#plus I'm super stressed cause some of them are coming to a small party at my place (for once that I'm alone without my brother there)#and I was talkign with one of them (the closer one) about maybe coming out to them and he said yeah if you want :)#but now one of them is bringing his girlfriend and I am noooot doing that but also my place is a very intimate space for me#I so rarely invite people over because of that#I should stop drinking coffee it might be helping#my head is killing me#I'm so close to giving up on my studies all together and reimburse my mom#but I don't want to !! the people that inspire me the people i look up to the people i want to be like fought for it and never gave up#I'm not even sure I'm made for these studies. I have no ambition I just want to make people happy with music but the kind I love doesn't#really require me ? cause it's mostly small concerts with acoustics instruments#maybe I should have gone into idk social work but I'm pretty sure I would be way too anxious for it same reason i can't be a therapist#and the situation at home isn't much better rn#I really need to breath rn or I'm gonna be out of commission for so long that it will be even more stressful to do the reports at midnight#I'm gonna chicken out tonight as well and just stand there and listen and not talk to the artist afterwards and try to use the portuguese#I've learned nooo I'm just gonna default to english or french
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flybird strawberry margarita save me. save me flybird strawbery margarita
#i love cheap alochol that still tastes good#betweeen this and stella rosa black? it's all i need babey#tho i would kill for a lemon drop rn. i don't have fresh lemons. only lemon juice#i don't drink a lot but this margarita has been in my fridge for moooooooonths#and it hits hard. and all at once#i drank an entire bottle once. felt nothing during the entire thing. 30 minutes after finishing the bottle it hit all at once#i typically only drink when im in call with friends but it's almost 2 in the morning sooooo#what i REALLY want rn. the banana cream pie moonshine#but also specifically my moms friends peach moonshine#alcohol
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Some midnight paper doodles
Starter pack :D
Which one is your favorite? (Cabbage boi team🤙🏻)
Some close ups:
#doodles#sketch#pencil#art#my art#pokemon#bulbasaur#charmander#squirtle#i really should go to sleep rn but i had two energy drinks#why did i do that#at least i don't need to go anywhere in the morning#I'm still doing my diploma for finals and it's so tiring#i can't even draw normally#but it'll end soon
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