#i dont deserve to be alive and waste peoples time and energy

[catnherthoughts]

not doing too well 3/6/23

how wonderful my life is. i get to go through all of this all on my own. i don't think i've ever felt this alone before. yes, i can talk to my friends about my issues but at the end of the day they don't care that much. they can't care enough to fix it. it's whatever, we ball i guess. he walks around and goes about his days. i bet he doesn't even think about me. wow. he just used me for sex. he could have just said that. why lie to me? why manipulate me? i don't think you're a good person anymore. i'm not sure i want to be a woman in business anymore. i'm not sure if i want to be a woman in this world anymore. i don't feel the overwhelming urge to keep living. what is the point? we have no clue tbh. no one knows. i don't feel like there is a point in me being here. then again, if i was meant to kms then one of my 8 suicide attempts would have worked. maybe 9th time is a charm. i am simply so sick of being alive. i do not want to do this any longer and i've been saying this for yearsssss now. just because i'm not ruining my life, im passively going through life day by day, i somehow got into college and am sitting in my macroeconomics course with a 3.3 gpa. i haven't done anything wonderful to continue living, i've just been passing by. i say to myself "lets just get through today and then you can sleep" or "just get through this week and then we can have fun this weekend". whatever. i always find myself becoming a bit nihlistic when i feel suicidal. "it doesn't matter" i chant. because it really doesn't. if someone who doesn't really want to live can get this far then does it really matter. i feel like shit, probably look like shit, and I just want to sleep forever. yet, i have midterms to study for. maybe if i fail my midterms i'll kill myself. oooo. yum. maybe i've jsut been letting life slip past me. i've been staying up really late and waking up mid day. weeks go by so quickly. i wonder who i even am anymore. also i'm sick! coping by kissing frat men is not the way to go. i hope they're not counting on me to be larger than live. live is already large enough to exist in. i hope they don't see me as a person who has it all. the perfect woman. take my spot. take my soul. i am disposable to those who know my all. im shaking. maybe its the coffee? who knows. im a cluster of energy walking through the world. maybe the angel prophecy of cat***** ******** created by someone who once loved me is true. she also left. this is a cruel worldd. the punishment i recieve has to be deserved. if im alive to be beaten down then im ready for the final punch. maybe i can be loved in death. my mom loves me? does that count for something. jesus that woman doesn't even know me. im shaking so much. why did i drink coffee? i wanted to be cool and have energy and be the one ppl envy w my dunkin cup. now my tummy hurts. man. i wonder what my therapist will say today. this is kind of a life or death meeting. maybe she'll give me some words of wisdom that will make me think this life is worth living. its either that or i die. i don't really like passing through life. yk being alive its not too fun. i don't like having to do schoolwork. although i kinda like this class. i should've come to this more often. being up before noon is so odd. its 10 am and im fully awake and i'm living. so many different people exist. i don't think a single one of them can love me. i look so bad today. i dont give sexy like usual, im giving depression. i wonder if when he saw me yesterday he knew i was down. i wonder what to do. how do people go on? these scars of this man might always be on me. that's sad. i feel nauseous. I wish i was a better person. maybe then i wouldn't be so sad. if i was like this girl who is sitting in front of me, with an assignment tracker.someone who goes to all of their classes. she also looks pretty. maybe wasting away my life by sleeping until 3 pm is not the best thing. i hope they're not counting on me. god i really hope they're not counting on me.i can barely do this for myself let alone live up to whatever ideals people have.

Tumblr dot com has it out for me i think. what if i wanted to have a fat blob of text? huh? anyways im currently in my class about close relationships along the lifespan and im talking to my roomie about how we've been in a mutual depressive episode. i miss being loved. i had a dream about her and it felt so nice. to kiss. to cuddle. i wonder if i had love if i'd crave it as much as i do in it's absence. the insane hyper fixation i have on it. i could fall in love with many people. its not like im not desired. is it sad that i wonder what he would do if i died. if the worst is true about this relationship, maybe he'll be like lol damn that crazy got the limited edition wap. im sorry. coping. i think i dragged my roomie into my spiral. sorry girlypop. i don't think this is being taken seriously. like yeah my friends know im suicidal but i don;t think they know how serious i am. taylor pyka i don't have a plan to kill myself don't send me away. i miss the gym. i should go to the gym today. is it too much to ask for a boyfriend? maybe. somehow i got reminded of hoodies and went to look for an old text from him. "are you trying to steal my sweaters miss :)". what happened. where did his love for me go? maybe i was just there to pass the time. there is a guy with a very interesting beanie on. he seems like a good man. who knows maybe he also manipulates women? i should not be mean to this random man. he looked back over. who is this man? whatever he doesn't exist. i don't like how im awake. vomiting vomiting vomiting. thinking about how he pushed my hand away that one time. why does he exist. how does he affect my karmic cycle. i miss texting him. he was such a cutie. now he doesn't exist. you will never find the same person twice, not even in the same person. i wonder if anyone has ever had a crush on me. i can't imagine someone thinking of me in a way like this.

those were my thoughts before i went to therapy slay for 3/6

[not--oki]

Best recovery tips? And Self-Care Mentality Tips!

TW ED RECOVERY CONTENT BELOW

Stop giving a shit what people think. Because unless your weight is giving you health concerns, the number isn't what influenced you to develop an ED. It was probably your desire to be treated better or viewed as more beautiful by conventional society.

Remember that the older generations are always dying, and our societal standard of skinny=better will probably die out for a while too. It's not really worth shortening your life for a beauty standard that isn't sustainable. Right now the "fit" body type is trending, and that will change too.

Never use food as a reward or punishment. It's nourishment for the meat sack we're stuck in. Listen for a hunger cue and pursue it.

Don't go crazy with food, again. You do not want to risk going from 4n4/m!a to BED or ortho. Lots of folks go from restricting to going all out with food, or perfectly measuring every portion and counting every calorie to be in a normal range. That's BED and orthorexia kids.

Love yourself if you can. But it's really fucking hard sometimes. BUT don't beat yourself up. When you start to think negative thoughts like "I'm ugly, I don't deserve to eat, I ate today so I need to starve later" just stop. Tell that negative voice to shut up. As soon as you notice that tell yourself something positive instead. Even if it's completely unrelated tell yourself your nails look great, you did good at work/school, anything.

Stay in your own lane. Hard to say because some of you want to take care of everyone. Stop wasting energy on other people when you need to turn some of that energy towards yourself. Focus on yourself and healthy progress.

If support will help you, get support. If you are surrounded by abusers or narcissistic people... I would advise to seek outside support (online recovery buddies are great, if someone relapses it can suck and trigger the other person tho) or if you think you can go alone, try that.

Genuinely stop caring about how someone might view your body, and don't obsess over other people's body. See a person that gives you skinny envy? Push that thought away. Look at their hair or smile or something else. If you're judging heavier people that is just rude, and even more toxic. People of all shapes and sizes are just trying to comfortably exist in their bodies without judgement. Once you stop caring about other people's bodies, it's easier to see that most normal people don't care about your body shape either.

If someone is negative towards your recovery progress, give them a no bullshit answer. "I'm eating because I'm trying to take care of myself." "I gained back weight I lost by eating like a normal person" "if you're unhealthily focusing on my body and what I eat maybe you need some help Barbara"

We all had low weights. There isn't really an optimal recovery weight, and recovery is not linear. You may mess up for a while and that's okay.

It might feel like a comfort blanket, but hide or get rid of your thinspo and and any pro contant on social media. Unfollow Eugenia, throw out the baby food unless you have a lil gremlin. Etc.

If you dont change your mindset, you'll never recover. Ever.

As you get older bodies change. Seems like common sense but once you hit your mid-late 20s, you start to see the changes. Don't freak out, don't relapse. Your body is trying its best to function and defy gravity on the daily. Your arms, chest, butt, whatever are not going to look the same at 18 vs 28.

I am currently 21 and kiiinda freaking out because my bods always been exactly the same, and I'm seeing teeny tiny changes I don't like. For the first time getting old seems scarier. But I have to breathe and remember the only person who really cares about that is me. My body is doing good at keeping me alive, and I'm trying to appreciate it more.

I am not in recovery at the moment but I have been before. I'm in a weird in between phase. If I trigger you, block me please.

[brendashmenda]

hi um i’ve had a really bad week and armin is literally my comfort i was wondering if you could write something where he comes home to reader crying alone in the dark and comforts and praises them i’m sorry i’d write it myself i just dont have the energy

I’m so sorry to hear about your bad week, hope you are feeling better now <3

armin set his bag down on the table, wondering why it was so dark inside, and where you were. Usually when he came home you were playing loud music, and doing your favorite hobby, but today you were nowhere to be found. Which was more than a little unsettling to Armin. he called your name, wondering if maybe you’d decided to take a nap and that was why the lights were off and it was so quiet. He didn’t hear any response, so he decided to investigate.

your shared bedroom was empty, but there was sounds of water running from the bathroom. Filled with relief, he decided to go in, you probably wouldn’t mind even if you were showering, he just wanted to ask what you wanted to do for dinner. “Y/n?” He called softly, “I’m coming in,” and he slowly pushed open the door. He was concerned to see that it was just as dark in the bathroom as it was the rest of the house, and his heart surged in worry when he saw that you were not in the shower. in fact, the water was running but it was empty, you were just sitting on the floor in front of the sink, knees tucked into you chest.

at his entrance, you’d lifted your head up, revealing tear streaked cheeks and bloodshot eyes. you coughed, wiping at your face, trying not to worry him, although it was far too late for that. he knelt down beside you, gently reaching out to caress your cheek. “baby, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?” His eyes diligently scanned your body for any signs of damage, but you shook your head, “m fine. Please, don’t worry. Just go change, and I’ll- make dinner.”

his eyebrows furrowed. “i don’t believe you. Tell me what’s wrong,“ he sat down next to you on the floor, shoulder to shoulder. you slumped into your hands, taking a deep breath. “S fine, Armin. seriously, I just- don’t worry.” he studied you for a moment, piercing blue eyes searching yours, and he knew that wasn’t true. “did you have a bad day?” he asked softly, wanting to know what was wrong. “yeah,” you sighed.

”d’you wanna talk about it?”

”no.”

”alright,” he nodded, respecting your boundaries. he smiled when you leaned your head to rest on his shoulder, still sniffling quietly. he took your hand and held it between his, squeezing tightly, then bringing it up to kiss your knuckles sweetly. “do you ever you feel like you’re just not good enough?” you said abruptly.

he winced at the question, turning to look at you. “all the time,” he replied, somewhat hesitantly. “Or at least I used to feel that way. But then I met you, y/n. And you showed me that I have value. That I’m a human being, same as everyone else, and I’m not a waste of time or space here on this earth,” he smiled softly, eyes searching yours. “and the same goes for you. You’re always good enough, simply because you’re alive, right here, and it takes guts to be on this earth. Some days are hard, and that’s what makes you so strong. We all have bad times, but you need to know that you’re good enough. And if other people try to put you down, just know that you’re enough for me, at the very least. cause I’ll always love you, for the amazing person you are, y/n,” he finished his statement, gripping your hands tightly in his. you looked down at the floor, tears threatening to spill over your eyelashes again.

“You really mean that?”

”course I do.“

you smiled a little bit, wrapping your arms around to hug him. “Thanks Armin. I really don’t deserve you. look at me, such a mess, crying on the bathroom floor,” you said with a lighter tone, joking a little now. “ah we’ve all been there,” he said, retuning the embrace., ”now how about some dinner? Im thinking takeout...I don’t know about you, but I sure don’t feel like cooking tonight...”

[spinningdreidel]

:-)-:

[holdmyhopeinyourhands]

Is it just me that feel like the more people blew the term racism the more it gonna increase? i found that the best case scenario would be treat them like haters just dont respond to them, haters gonna hate. Because you cannot treat that kind of person and you wasted more time dealing w/ them, its better be focused on your own things, improving on yoself.

Theres always bad despicable people around and theyre attack you were it hurts and if they know youve triggered on that shit, theyre gonna attacked you on that.

I know asian people get racial abuse often but the way they deal with just dont care of them ffs they just leave away from that and live their life doing on their own things try to achieve their goals instead of wasting time with the haters

It my perspective i found that the best way to end racism is stop calling people racist stop talking about it, they just jerk that dont deserve your energy on

I’m sorry anon. I don’t think I can agree with you on this one. Racism should always be called out. It should always be acknowledged and it should always be punished. Staying silent and keeping your head down never helped anyone. It only makes things worst for the discriminated parties. It’s fucked up we still have to deal with racism in this day and age, but it makes me sick inside just thinking about a black person or any person of color having to keep their heads down and let people abuse them. I don’t know if you’re poc or black or anything, so I’m not gonna pretend to understand where your experience and feeling in this matter comes from.

But I’m going to say this. As a black person, I would never, ever not react to racism directed at me. I would never not call them out and believe me. If I saw anyone else being put through that kind of abuse, whether it is racism, homophobia, transphobia etc, I would do my best to stand up for those people. 

Shutting up and allowing racist to get away with their racism is not going to “end” racism. That has never happened. Taking the moral high ground has never stopped racism anon. If people did as you said, pretty sure slavery would be alive and kicking today. So no, just no.

And the reason why Asian people “don’t speak” up as you put it, isn’t because they don’t want to, or that they are willing to just accept the abuse and get on with their lives. It’s because small minded people don’t take racial abuse against Asian people seriously. They are made fun off, put aside and discriminated against. Asian people consistently face racial abuse (the whole covid situation coming to mind) but never are their grief and pain taken seriously. Which is fucked up. And that’s why so many keep their mouth shut. Not for some noble reasons you have thought of, No, it’s because shitty people keep silencing them and turning a blind eye to the daily abuse they face. Son heung min was racially abused by a Chelsea fan not too long ago. That fan was arrested. Which was fantastic, great, wonderful. 

Tell me, what would you have wanted Chelsea, the authorities, Tottenham and Son heung min to have done differently anon? Would you have wanted them to ignore it? For Son heung min to have just kept his head down and let it go? Do you think the racist abuse would have stopped all on it’s own? Or are you saying even as the abuse went on Son heung min should have just accepted that as a normal part of life?

I’m sorry for getting heated about this, but the fact that you’re even suggesting such a thing is making me, quite frankly, very angry. 

The only people who should keep their heads down, the only people who should keep their mouths shut and fear retribution are the racists.

And personally if I had the chance, if I heard what Alvaro had “allegedly” said, I would have punched him in the mouth. Because fuck racism. We have long since been bullied, belittled and told to just deal with it. And the fact that there are people still out there willing to dish out such disgusting abuse..... it’s sickening.

You know why Alvaro was smiling throughout the match? It’s because he knew he would get away with it. It’s because he knew it would hurt and that “no racism” policy of the league was all bark and no bite.

So no. You’re wrong. Shining the light on racism doesn’t suddenly increase it. Racism doesn’t just double in numbers just because you pay it some attention. The reason why you’re seeing more incidents of racism when people call it out is because the racism becomes more visible. It can’t hide in the shadows anymore. 

People recording police brutality against racial minorities, didn’t suddenly increase the violence, it shed light on it. Made people able to fight back. Focusing on yourself doesn’t stop racism. So what if they attack you were it hurts. That’s why there are laws that are supposed to protect you from that kind of things. And if those laws fail you, guess what? You have to defend yourself. 

Not talking about racism, doesn’t magically end it. It just gives racists free license to keep abusing people. And racists are not just haters. They are toxic, vile, narrow minded, disgusting people, who should and have to be called out for their abuse. No one should ever have to stay silent about it, ever. 

I disagree with you. I disagree with you so much it hurts. So if you are a poc who’ve faced racism and this is your way of dealing with it, I’m truly sorry about that. And I’m sorry this is the only solution you have. Because you deserve so much better. You deserve to feel safe, and protected. You deserve to not hear abuse and you deserve justice if you have been racially abused. You should never have to just accept racism and if that is what you do, I’m so so sorry about that. And I wish I could have been there for you and shut those assholes up.

If on the other hand you are not poc...... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ANON! WHAT THE LEGIT FUCK! 

Are you serious? Do you know what you’re asking of minorities? You’re basically saying they should shut up and accommodate racists. ACCOMMODATE THEM! Like what? We’re back 100 years ago are we now. Where black people had to just content with the mercy of white men and women. Well fuck you. I can’t even comprehend the ridiculousness of these points you’ve made. If you’re not a minority, I am so damn pissed at you. Angry, and saddened. And the fact that you brought up Asian minorities just dealing with racism as if that was a good thing. As if they “chose” that option. As if they didn’t suffer under discrimination and just didn’t have the voice to be heard. If you really aren’t a minority anon. Hear this. 

From the bottom of my heart, fuck you. Fuck you and your racist apologetic beliefs. 

I can’t believe in this day and age there are people who still think like this. Yikes

[youcantbeunknown]

I come here to consider venting sometumes, maybe I'll actually do it today

I just feel so shit all the time, i feel like such a burden, such a waste if energy, such a failure, such a drain on everyone around me

One reason i try to avoid making friends is so that i dont burden them with myself, and then when i do have friends, i try to avoid talking about how i feel, or only when im having a good day, as rare as those are

I dont want to tell them im feeling terrible when theyre also nit doing well, because i care more about them, and i dont want to take away from them, to make them feel like there problems arent bad or that i cant br supportive because im also struggling, or something like that

I dont want to tell them when they're doing fine, or good, because i dont want to burden them with my ttoubles, i dont want them to feel worried about me when they're feeling good, i dont wsnt them to feel worse or bad or anything like that because of me

I know what it means, i know its not good and all that, but i cant help it, i dont value myself for anything other than improving the lives of others

Thats the only reason I'm here, and even then, that hasnt stopped me from trying to end it all

I hate myself because of so many things, and i dont believe I'll ever be healthy or sane or properly happy again, regardless of what im told

I dont feel like i deserve even the friends i have, i dont feel like i deserve to be alive, i dont feel accomplishment in anything i do, i dont want to be herr, but for the fact that i care about people.

I want to break down and cry and thrash and scream nearly every waking moment, but its just too much effort, to draining to woek up that much emotion any more, i could be using what little scraps i have to be making someone worth a damn feel better or feel wanted or anything

I dont want them to know because that will make the feel sorry for me or pity me and i cant stand that, i cant stand people wasting their time and emotions on me, im not worth it.

[swatato]

fat. FAT. P H A T RANT INCOMING FOR ANYONE WHO CARES TO READ THIS NONSENSE CUZ @haldidoodh ASKED

That episode literally blasted the last of my serotonin into smithereens but TBH??? WHO AM I MAD AT I should have seen this coming this whole volume has been such a headache. I cant be bothered to type up a coherent rwde essay on everything that bothered me this episode so im just gonna copy and paste my earlier yelling here instead ;A;

Team Rwby was god awful in episodes 11-12. They’re so self-righteous, entitled, hypocritical and cocky as a team and it doesnt help that they all suck as individual characters nowadays (except for weiss but even she lost best-girl points this episode also lmao blake and yang aren’t even INDIVIDUALS anymore they’re just bumbleby). It was annoying at first but now its just infuriating how rwby thinks theyre always right with their uwu energy and think they can do whatever tf they want with ZERO CONSEQUENCES.

Basically any time there is a problem in this show they have Ruby uwu at it and its solved lol.

They kept giving ironwood shit for taking on this incredible burden SO THAT NOBODY ELSE WOULD HAVE TO and rather than offer any real solution they just kept going “but mantle” like okay?? But remnant??? Like obvi letting mantle rot is bad but HE WAS OPEN TO ANY HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS CUZ HES OBVI AT HIS WITTS END AND DOESNT LIKE THE IDEA EITHER but yeah they just proceed to be the fattest hypocrites by hiding secrets of their own after being all “no more secrets uwu” and WHEN THEY GOT EXPOSED THEY JUST WENT “>:[“ (yangs self-righteous little glare here pissed me off so much oof) especially when ironwood was laying everything out in the open to them from the start. AND ESPECIALLY WHEN THE SECRET WAS FKIN “OH YEAH SALEM CANT DIE LOL” They watched ironwood make every decision he did in hopes of beating Salem while KNOWING she couldnt die??? So literallY WHERE do they get off on screeching at him with their yOu doNt hAvE to Suffer In ManTle YOu doNt kNow whAt iTs liKe bs. Wtf made ruby distrust iw at the start anyway? Because he had a bunch of ships out? They kept this CRUCIAL piece of information from him because he seemed stressed out?? Like what made ruby keep the secret from him. Someone tell me.

And the fact that rwby beat the ace-ops makes no goddamned sense. The power-scaling in this show is non-existant. We finally got to meet some pro huntsmen in this universe who aren’t teachers but are actually on the job, but because we gotta move out of the way for that 👌🏽✨ Power Of Friendship✨ and ✨rwby is always right✨ they somehow managed to beat experienced huntsmen with YEARS in the field who’ve actually graduated school??? FARM BOI OSCAR WHOS *JUST* LEARNING HOW TO FIGHT MANAGED TO LAND A PUNCH ON NEO FKIN POLITAN??? Didnt neo dance circles around yang??? Yang, who punches for a living and also beat mercury and adam??? I cant yall (and the fact that he didnt even bother to sneak up on her this boi literally screamed “no!!” as he ran down a hallway and neo didnt even have time to blink??? Pls)

Ruby’s “you were the best, until you trained us :3” -for maybe 2 days before my team went dancing ruby sis shut right tf up pls my god is this line just so. UNEARNED. Training in a room for a short while does not simply grant you the years of field experience the ace ops have and whAT IS UP WITH HER TRYING TO REASON WITH HARIETT AFTER SAYING THAT COCKY LINE AND FIGHTING HER??? WHAT and also like. The entire idea of “the ops lost cuz they weren’t good friends and were bad at teamwork uwu” is just so dumb. Ur telling me this group of high ranking hunstmen who’ve most likely been working together for at least a few years didnt have teamwork down??? Learning to work together is the most BASIC concept for a team to learn!! Its like the first thing a team has to perfect!! If the ace ops are supposed to be the best of atlas you dont think the ops would have gotten something as fundemental as teamwork down?? I dont buy it. And who gives a shit if they dont hang out after work or take selfies with eachother. Being friends doesnt necessarily mean theyre great at working together. If they succeed at relying on eachother to watch their backs, to keep each other alive (in the words of hariett herself) then Id think theyd know how to protect eachother i.e WORK TOGETHER.

And for all the ✨friendship✨ and ✨going through so much with someone✨ talk rwby like to do, the show barely displays these people acting like friends. We’re constantly TOLD how great of friends this group is, but the actual CONTENT we are shown leaves a lot to be desired. Tell me the last time ruby and blake teamed up in a fight. Or weiss and blake. Or yang and weiss. What teamwork?? Yang only interacts with blake now and weiss is only ever allowed to interact with ruby. Has blake ever said nora or ren’s name out loud? Have jaune and yang ever held a conversation between just them? Team rwby just spent a GOOD DEAL of time seperated from eachother, but when they reunite their teamwork is still somehow better than the ace ops?? Honestly its easier to believe that ruby is closer with team jnpr than she is her own team. If they showed the ops messing up during rwby vs ace ops fight due to lack of communication, then it still doesnt matter. My point is that they shouldnt have lacked teamwork in the first place.

Robyn was m e h this episode “JaMes ConTinUes to UnDeresTimAte Me” *proceeds to get knocked over in .3 seconds and is then KO for the rest of the episode* also great job for starting a fight and aiming to take clovers life in a moving airship with a terrorist on board when clover was acting PEACEFULLY and qrow was WILLING TO TALK IT OUT WITH IW and potentially work on a solution, but naw robyn is big mad and shall shoot.

Qrow made zero sense this episode too. I was with him right up until he chose TYRIAN OVER CLOVER??? THE PSYCOPATH WHO CANNOT BE REASONED WITH OVER THE RATIONAL DUDE YOU KNOW IS GOOD except clover wasnt acting rational in this fight at all and ill get to that AND IS THE ONLY FRIEND YOU HAVE WHOS NOT 19????? Qrow rly looked at tyrian- a man who is literally an enemy to all of remnant and went after ur neice- and said lets get rid of this punk together u and me bro. Like screw teaming with clover to bring down the dude you ACTUALLY have a grudge with whos also a serial killer and then trying to talk it out with clover whod be willing to do things peacefully why is this show like this

and AS FOR CLOVER. where were the braincells this episode. Qrow was trying to fight tyrian-the WAY bigger threat here, but clover??? kept knocking him away from tyrian and restraining him with his hook like??? YEAH LETS HELP OUT THE DEMON SCORPION CRACKHEAD HES CLEARLY NOT THE PRIORITY ATM nvm clover deserved to die there m8

His death scene was emotional and I feel bad for Qrow but u literally sealed his death when u ganged on him with tyrian so why are you even surprised. And on the subject of fairgame, im glad it didnt happen. Qrow was in no state for romance and I was glad he finally had a friend. He just spent the last volume thinking he wasted his life away helping oz, drowning in misery, drinking til he passed out on the street and so drunk he couldnt even be of any help during the apathy situation, when up til now hes been shown to fight just fine while drunk. I don’t see this as a “bury your gays trope” because clover was never confirmed to be gay and all their scenes added up to 40 seconds of platonic friendship. These two are grown ass men, if they had the hots for eachother then im pretty sure they could openly show it and not dance around it like theyre kids. I do feel bad for mlm viewers who were hoping for some rep with fairgame/lucky charms (cuz rt only cares if ur a cute marketable lesbian) but idc for the overly entitled fans who try to force their own headcanons on the writers and go feral when they dont get what they want. You dont just get to prance around claiming whats canon and what isnt. If rep is there then great, but if it isnt, then why not look somehwere else and let the author tell the story theyre trying to tell? Shipping fairgame cuz you think its cute is absolutely fine but not when u start getting ready to casterate crwby for not catering to you. Also, rwby sucks with lgbt+ rep anyway so what were yall expecting.

The only thing that was great this episode was the chorerography. It just sucks that the animation/choreo continues to improve while the writing doesnt. Another thing that really fell off this episode was the whole “we’re friends but we have to fight” drama. It doesnt work when its only ONE SIDE SHOWING ANY DISTRESS OVER IT. Only the ace ops (marrow, clover, the vine dude) seemed to show distress over having to fight rwby (it sucks that the only 1v1 weiss has won was because marrow was going EASY on her cuz he didnt wanna fight her fr) but rwby???? They didnt give any shits. They were so quick to turn against them and aim for their heads. They were SMILING as they ran at the ace ops, while they looked conflicted. If you oppose their UwU philosophy, you’re dead to them.

I really wanna enjoy RWBY but sometimes this show (and the fndm) really tests me. Its ironic how this episode came right after last episode, which I thought was the best chapter this volume. Anyway I rate this 10/10 cuz it gave me best character ironwood and best boi marrow and I would like to give them hugs for carrying this volume on their backs. (Also tyrian and penny and winter have been great too)

[veganfortheearthlings]

Hello Earthlings!

Today is February 6

I want to write something that I've been thinking a lot about lately. Before you read on I want to share:

> TRIGGER WARNING < mention of suicide! Some content may not be suitable for all readers and if that's the case please skip down the numbered list.

Today isn't a particularly significant day, but I realized it has been 26 months exactly since my brother passed away. Two years and two months. December 6th, 2017 was the last day my brother was alive. We didn't discover his body until two days later. After a blurry couple days of grieving the autopsy results came back:

Suicide by hanging

It was egregiously sudden. I knew my brother was going through some serious stuff but suicide??

I have my own history of suicidal thoughts and self harm in the deep dark abyss of depression and I turned to my brother for help or advice from time to time. I was finally beginning to emerge from the gripping darkness when my oldest sister picked me up from work. With my mom in the car they told me that the police had found my brother's body. The police immediately declared it a suicide and I knew in bones that wherever my brother was he wasn't happy with his decision.

It has been 26 months today since my brother took his life so today I hope I can help someone out by writing this list of "15 Reasons To Keep Living".

1.) The most said reason is surprisingly true. Things WILL get better! I remember those long nights where I'd drink alcohol and energy drinks in my bedroom at 3 am even though I had to be at work at 7 am. I cut. I drank hoping my organs would shut down or my heart would literally explode. I remember thinking it wouldn't get better, but I'm here typing this today because it did! Its hard and it's gonna hurt but I believe you can get through anything!

2.) Depression can seem lonely, like your friends and family care but they seem to keep you at arm's length. That's bullshit. If you're reading this I care about you. I've bled and been broken a thousand times and it's put me in a place where I can hopefully help you and I chose to take that chance. I am always available if you need someone to talk to :)

3.) You are the reason someone is happy! Have you ever seen a baby smile? The next time you're in a store and see a baby looking at you give them a smile. Most of the time they'll be super excited you even acknowledged them! It's the purest way to make someone else happy I've found to date.

4.) Animals. I'm vegan because I decided my existence shouldn't involve the exploitation of any other being. I have a cat (or to be honest my cat has a human) and she's delightfully sweet when I need her to be. Animals know when someone is hurting and most of them, if they're not predators, will try to show compassion. Just think of how many dogs you can make happy. If the noblest of species on this planet thinks you're worth love then maybe they're right!

5.) Books!

6.) Music!

7.) Foooood! Maybe you've lost all passion for things that used to make you happy. Books aren't as fun to read, your favorite music doesn't cheer you up, and food doesn't seem appetizing anymore. Or maybe they're an escape for you? If they are then that's a reason to keep living! Live to read new stories, hear new music, and try new foods!

8.) Maybe you haven't been able to travel and see more of the world. I know sometimes you might feel trapped in one place but opportunities to leave will present themselves in time. Suicide isn't an escape, it's a self made prison sentence that you can't escape from.

9.) Love. Okay here me out! Most people are lonely or just ended a relationship when they take their own life. I don't believe in God and I dont believe in heaven or hell but I do believe everyone in the world is compatible with someone! Not all love has to be romantic either. It could be love for a friend or even a pet. Maybe you haven't met yet but trust me please. They're there and they are waiting patiently to meet you!

10.) Art. I know I've always had an eye for art. 90% of the time I don't know what Im even looking but I appreciate all the time and energy that went into it! It opens the mind up to different cultures and different ways to do things. It might be poetry, music, sculpting, filmmaking, etc. People are coming up with new interesting stuff everyday and you can be there to enjoy it all.

11.) Little things. Petting a dog or a cat in your lap and hearing them purr. Brushing your teeth with your possible children. Snapchat filters. Singing in a goofy voice. Playing an instrument. Kindly buying someone else a drink out of the blue. Making a child smile. The little things you might have forgotten could be someone's precious memories of things you did.

12.) Regrets. You'll never get to have the satisfaction of saying you lived the life you wanted to live. My ideal life when I was depressed is nothing like the life I'm living now but that's because I changed as a person and now I've found happiness in simple things. I treasure life and I don't want to waste a second of it. Your life is precious and you should live it in a way that will make you truly happy.

13.) You can be a voice for others just like you. The world won't get any brighter if you turn off your light. My favorite inspirational quote goes like this:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness

That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

Your playing small

Does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking

We are all meant to shine,

As children do.

We were born to make manifest

It's not just in some of us;

It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we're liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

You can be a voice for the voiceless. You can be a whisper heard by the people who choose to ignore the screams of the suffering. One moment can change a day, one day can change a life, one life can change the world. That one can start with you.

14.) Nature. Humans aren't meant to be surrounded by concrete and steel. No being on this Earth can say their natural habitat is made in a factory or at a construction site. No, we are all primitive beings and nature is where our souls belong. Give yourself a reason to live by saying you're going to live how you are meant to live. School and 9-5 jobs weren't mother nature's inventions. I'm not saying quit school but there's always more to life than getting a piece of paper saying you're educated or having pieces of paper in your wallet with a made up value (money).

15.) You will never be able to see yourself smile again. Look in mirror. Chances are you might not like who you see. I certainly didn't. You have odd quirks and maybe disproportionate body parts. Maybe you have a tooth gap but that's what makes you original. There's no one else on this Earth with all the same qualities as you. I love you just the way you are. No make up and no shaving. You are naturally beautiful, it's the world who's ugly. If you took your life your uniqueness will leave this world. Don't become another statistic like my brother. I love him and he'll never be forgotten by me but the world will continue on. Only now he can't contribute and make my life or anyone else's life, including his own, any happier. You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone to fight deep and hard to show you that you deserve to be happy. I hope someday soon you'll see how special you are and you'll love yourself because you deserve the realest purest love there is.

Thank you so much for reading this! If this helped you in any way please like and leave a comment if you have any questions! I put a lot of time and thought into this today because I love you and I think you deserve to be genuinely happy and I hope you find the happiness you're looking for soon.

Anyways that's going to be it from me. I will be back again very soon. I hope you have a good rest of the day!

Bye-bye!

☮️💚🌎

[survivorbehemoth]

Episode 15: "congrats daisy for winning season 7 of celestial: behemoth!” - Jules

congrats daisy for winning season 7 of celestial: behemoth!

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JIOFEOJIFEWOJIWOJI THAT SOUNDS SO BITTER BUT DYLAN SIR U HANDED HER THE GAME! HANDED IT TO HER! GOD! and its what she deserves!

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anyways. let it be known this was NOT MY FAULT.

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let the record show, before last night's tribal, I SAID SOMETHING WAS NOT SITTING RIGHT WITH MY SPIRIT!!!!!!!!!! AND???? what happened. look what happened.

Vocaroo

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still practicing my slide puzzles WJIJIEFIJWJIFIFWJEJWIEEJWIF

OH MY GOD I HATE THIS GAME I HATE THIS GAME I HATE THIS GAME!!!

this final 4 is absolutely amazing and i literally love all of them so much, but that just makes things 10x worse. i think that playing my idol on daisy was a huge risk and the fact that it is now a final 2 makes things a bit more interesting. my ideal plan was to have daisy in the final 4 with me so that i wouldnt be the next target, but now that she won immunity it just didnt work out how i intended at all!!

voting out jules and szymon is purely going to come down to which one of them will sway my way and it's going to hurt to send one of them to jury no matter what, but i just feel like i came all this way and not making top 3 would just suck so badly. so yeah, this sucks. i hate that no matter what i do im going to be upsetting people and hurting feelings but... i guess that's just the game! at this point im not even sure if i can win against daisy but it seems like she will take me, it just depends on whether or not i stay loyal to her if i win FIC or if i take whoever is with me in final 3.

much to think about, BUT I JUST CANT BELIEVE I MADE IT THIS FAR !!!!

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Jules is voted out 3-1. She becomes the 8th member of our jury.

Watch the Cast Assessment take place below:

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Szymon is voted out by Daisy. He becomes the final member of our jury.

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idk thought this would be cute to include my voting log and stuff hehe <3 https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1RiA0RUWX4TRpqBTgRzLJJ3fHu2jBqZ-bCJozFd3HcRs/edit?usp=sharing

Jules: https://youtu.be/6zKeJuOJKeY 

https://youtu.be/5dV_-X6Rv2U

https://youtu.be/N5tnq-4QAT8

someone (zach) asked me to rank the jurors from nicest to meanest...so here we go. ily all <3 <3

1. seamus (this will def come as a surprise, but seamus was the most levelheaded and nice one on the jury. he really never made a bitter comment even though he had every right to, especially at me/daisy/dylan and really anyone who was in after him except chips. like. he was the only person to reach out in pms after and it was immediate, he really comforted me and i really admire men who can have like good relationship w/ women that are platonic??? i know he's been like terrible in the past and i did call him on some stuff in hydravivor and ill be the FIRST to admit that i called him a crackhead on a daily basis but i think he's grown a lot!!!!!! idk. i think he's also the MOST self aware!!!! im a seamus stan, what about it?)

2. brandan (while brandan was kinda irrelevant game wise this season -- but not in our hearts -- he was very objective and a peacemaker. he had good reason to be MIA too so the fact that he got as far as he did means to me that he did form some strong social connections. and he did!!! with me, i think w/ conor, so idk, he had a role like i did in the game imo. i really liked him and he really brought a fresh perspective on things!!!)

3. szymon (he's only not ranked higher bc he's pissed off rob and he stands his ground a lot more outwardly than the first two, at least in the jury chat. also he's not had as much time as a juror. but even then, i think szymon is not a bad guy like some of the ppl make him out to be. like, idk, i think he made a mistake on a game level and he even admitted it and idk he's a legend. truly. im so glad to have met him and i think he was a really nice juror to have around while he was ACTUALLY around bc he stood up for me/daisy the way seamus did)

4. lovelis (lovelis makes some pointed comments but.....he's not dumb at all and so i don't think he's been bitter. also his pointed comments have been funny and mostly radiating the energy of the other Bitter Jurors so idk. i really like him on a personal level as well and have for a while so idk. i dont KNOW KNOW him but he's never been the type to make harsh comments without them having some merit to them. so i kinda trust his judgement even though he wasnt in the game long/an early merge boot. idk i think he's open minded enough and he's also someone who admits when he's done a Lil Too Much but he's really lovely. just competitive.)

5. chips (i dont think chips is MEAN per se, in fact, i dont think he has a mean bone in his body on a personal level. like WFIJFJIFWE I DONT KNOW HOW ELSE TO SAY IT HES SO FUCKING NICE!!!!!!! but thats why it's so funny to see him in games bc he's a lil lying, a lil backstabby and sometimes he's a lil passive aggressive. but its not undeserved. its also a pisces thing WEFJIEIEJWEFJIWEF i think what i saw in the jury house was sometimes chips going along w/ things, but i dont know, i really do not know much about chips game and ill probs ask him more afterwards?? but idk he was REALLY nice to me tho so FWIJFWEWFIFW i just dont trust him in games.......i dont know whats on his mind half of the time......)

I WANNA SAY FOR THE NEXT 3 MEN THEYRE HEAVILY INFLUENCED BY THEIR FIRE SIGN PLACEMENTS SO while i know some of them do hold resentment, its a lot easier to deal with and work with and with all 3 of them we've talked it out with/are going to talk it out. only #8 has been the MOST stubborn but idk imma let him do his thing & try not to pass too much judgement u know cause i dont need to waste my braincells on that

6. conor (knowing conor's astrological placements makes this make sense to me. but i wanna say that i think he's the type of leo to like be upfront, get it out, vent, and be fine? which is why i respect him a lot and i think we do have a mutual respect for each other. some of the comments he made were kinda rude tho and him fake liking astrology for social game was SO UGLY TO ME!!!! like i'll clown him for it for as long as i know him now cause....JOKE'S ON HIM!!!!!!! WJOEFWEOWEFO but that was kinda mean but def conor's come around and seen the light / has also reached out to me to talk. he's also admitted he left a mean speech in sbbb9 and regretted it so i think he might just shoot off at the mouth a bit. but BETTER THE DEVIL U KNOW THAN THE ONE U DONT and i appreciate the transparency NOW as opposed to the fakeness of him saying he liked astrology for social game. THIS IS A HILL I WILL DIE ON!!!!! im a fan of leos tho and he's a leo moon like me. so. i think we'll be fine. )

7. rob (i actually really REALLY like rob on a personal level but i really do not know if i could play another game with him, at least survivor, id be open to playing bb. i think ill say that the best thing about rob is that he's also apologized, was one of the first to when i confronted them all, me and him have a good personal relationship tbh!! but some of the game comments he made were p harsh and he's definitely a lil bitter but again, he's admitted it, i think while he's more up front -- i dont think i ever wanna be on his bad side in a game. EVER!!! cause we didnt even have any loyalty to each other in the game but he was SO harsh on my game like it was wild bc i dont think id ever be that harsh to ANY OF THEM ABOUT THEIR GAMES LIKE THAT???? anyways. its fine bc again he's apologized and he's owned it but PHEW he got a lil bit of a sharp tongue. really eloquent tho!!!!!!!!!!! love hearing him speak)

8. gage (last but least the southern belle himself................this man an aries and i dont know his other signs but him being an aries man is enough. they POP OFF!!!!!! a lot of times there's some truth to it, sure, but sometimes they just be popping off and FOR WHAT!!!!! i do understand gage's frustrations though but even he apologized for being too mean in HIS FUTURE FUCKING CONFESSIONALSSSSSSSS TO MEEEEEE so. idk. he's got an issue with letting things go in games and miss annajane calls him on a lot of BS and it does NOT seem to really knock him down but. gage is really wht u see is what u get, doesnt really own his faults but at least u kinda know where ur at w/ him. but he's still probs the meanest one in there but i do understand from a game level why he was so fucked up about it, especially after hearing FTC. its just that. i understand his position. BUT HE NEEDS TO TAKE A XANAX SOMETIMES I S2G GAGE I WILL GIVE YOU ONE!!! girl it is NOT that serious!!!!!!)

also forgot to mention that i admitted to gage that chris from s1 was NOT actually my brother and his jaw was on the floor <3 I GOT TO DO ONE TROLL THING RIGHT!!!!!! rip me/seamus' showmance serious!!!!!!)

okay just to add onto my last confessional -- the songs i think represent me best from this playlist game wise are: - perfect for you - punchin' bag - stayin' alive - flip - femme fatale/future nostalgia (for the girls alliance that never was....rip but also me/daisy at merge vibes) - X - the shortchange - TAKE ME AS I AM!!!!! THAT SONG IS THE ONE THATS BECOME MY SONG!!!! for this game especially!!!!! - over yet (the lyrics literally speak for themselves) - tough on myself (sorry for stealing ur song vincent) - seven devils - villains pt. 1 (i dont think i was a villain but i did stuff in this game that i usually dont and would consider villainous for myself FEWIWFEJIFEW i was in my feelings!) - passion & pain taste the same when i'm weak (me coming into the jury house and realizing they'd all snatched my wig w/ the edges and the glue.....i DID cry to this song for at least 2 hours! yes i did! WIFJWJIWEIJE) - tar ('under the stars -- pull yourself from the tar'. at the end of the day, this season was fucking stacked and there wasn't one person who was a bad player at all. at all.stars, if you will. i was under a lot of stars and from all the breakdowns in my game to me actually breaking down -- i GOTTA PULL MYSELF FROM THE TAR!!!! learn!! grow!! be better!!)

TOP 5 (not 'perfect for you'): - punchin' bag - take me as i am - over yet - tough on myself - tar

good for my whole journey imo!! the last 3!!! okay this is my ACTUAL last confessional okay thank u for everything!!! bye!!!

https://youtu.be/T5wRzWwlOp8

and here's my personal playlist for the org: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2E8KGCo1SrBgoJIQ9DycfM?si=96PWq-6ERCyisacQr3zPww

it is literally an hour and a half until the winner reveal and i really just have no idea what's going to happen. like in the back of mind i just have a feeling that im losing bc, yeah you know self-deprecation woo! but yeah idk i think i really gave this game my all and while i dont think i played it flawlessly, i still think i played a strong game i can be proud of :,)

having it be a live final tribal for my first ever like, jury questioning was just--- ugh wild but i actually think it went really well. just based on what people were saying it definitely seemed as if some of the jurors didnt really want to see me and daisy at the end or like, really werent consider voting for me but i think i was definitely able to sway some people who were willing to listen and definitely gave some of the jurors something to think about. so whether or not i win i do think that i had a really great final tribal performance, maybe it was even enough to sway enough people into giving me their vote?? WHO'S TO SAY

anyways this has been such a wild experience and it's surreal to think that it's ending in like, a little over an hour but no matter what happens i can say confidently that i will be able to look back on this season fondly and will be leaving it with my head held high bc I REALLY DID THIS LIKE!!! I REALLY MADE IT TO THE END!! WOW I STILL CANT GET OVER IT HAHAHA!! but yeah bye forever <33

Rob’s Last Video:  https://youtu.be/X3krxxfJ3oo

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Daisy wins in a 7-2 vote!

[rosacevs]

All i do is hurt people and considering last night, I really think that was my last chance to get my shit together. They don't need me. They have other people. M has him, who is infinitely better than I; L has friends face to face; and S has wonderful people in his life I don't even begin to compare to. I genuinely don't see how I've positively impacted anyone more than I've hurt them

[lexuslikethecar123]

Lets be straight up

I am on this celibacy journey because a change in mindset. 

Most people break up and have time away from the ex to heal and move on. I live and have a business with mine. Since the breakup my ex and I still sometimes cuddled, had sex, and messed around. During this time I would say things like “its either you or no one else” to show that I’m not interested getting to know new people on a romantic level. I was open to working on our relationship during that time in life. 

May 5th, 2022 I found an sus email that he used to hold photos. Provocative photos of woman that were sent to him and also just screenshots of woman from Instagram and maybe other places. I even found pictures of 3 friends (these weren't sent to him). Since the breakup he has changed his phone password many times. I still have the same password since we broke up. I have not talked to anyone in a romantic level and I mention I am not interested in romance in the first conversations if I feel like someone is interested with me during a conversation. After seeing those photos all sexually lust came to a halt; why would I want to even casually sex with someone who flexes photos of woman. Why would I be interested wasting sacred energy on someone who doesn't see me for my value (in the intimacy sector). I am really trying not to judge him. I am really not trying to bring that shit up. He was hiding those photos for a reason. If I want to be with someone I want to know all about them, the good and bad and there's too many people in this word to settle for someone who hides parts of themselves. 

Sometimes we play around like touching in the moment. Sometimes I am the one who engages. I don't even want to do that anymore. I don't feel like I am desired for who I am. In his eyes I am probably just the nearest woman with holes. 

I say all the time I am not interested in even getting to know a new man because why would I want to get involved something new when I’m still knees deep in my past relationship? Like we still live together and I don’t see that changing any time soon due to convenience. I see no reason to separate honestly because it helps the business living together.

I wish he would watch what he says to me. He said that I try to act like I’m perfect. That the things I say, my truth, in reality is opposite. 

I never act like I am perfect. I am always mention I am healing from my past and I try to do the best I am with the level of knowledge I have now and when I learn more knowledge I will adjust. I am always growing upward and not letting things hold me back. I am more aware to make sure my mistakes don’t turn into patterns. I have been listening more. Talking less. 

Sometimes I feel like we are speaking different languages. 

We have a miscommunication.

Sometimes I feel like we don’t really know each other deeper and pass mannerisms, catch phrases, and details of personalities that won’t change. 

I wish what I know now I knew before. 

I wish in the beginning I could have loved you the right way.

I think I left scars on you of stories we dont want to talk about. 

I know I have put you through things that didn’t deserve your patience, calmness, understanding. 

Don’t compare me to the person I use to be if you've seen the growth. 

Maybe I sustain my togetherness with saying ideas outload as a defense mechanism before they are thoroughly committed? idk. I don't think I am defending much inward anymore.  

I have gained integrity, trust and love for myself. 

I am happy to be alive and I want this union to be filled with joy no matter the strength of the connection. I want both of our dreams and goals to come true and accomplished. I want you to be able to say this was all worth it. 

So 

Going forward I am going to work on suppressing sexual lust. I will be more aware of seductive responses. I am going to create some boundaries in our union.  I am going to say less statements to prove something because talk is cheap. Say less of what I am trying to do and just do it within myself or talk to other friends. 

[yagirlcriesalot]

tw:  “a penny for your thoughts?”

i think my psychologist classified it as a “depressive mood disorder” but it wasn’t a set diagnosis. 

i dunno what i would classify it as. i refer to it as depression but in a way it is a self diagnosis which is why i use it lazily. 

my family tell me it’s stupid to put a label to it. “you’re not mentally ill, youre just a teenager. everyone hates school. you’re lazy and antisocial.” my sisters call it an excuse. mum walks into my room to find me crying and just tells me she’s going out. like nothing’s new, nothing’s different. 

i guess she’s right. 

hannah says im fucking stupid for even questioning it. “it’s mostly attention seeking: a product of my own spite” i tell her, because seriously. i think it is. she cries when i cry. “you want to kill yourself, i think that makes you fucking depressed.” but does it? do i really? 

she cut my nails a month or two back when i told her i relapsed and i tried to keep them short. i dont have the energy to find clippers though. theyre long again. 

but i think she’s growing out of me: moving onto people who are really worth her time. people who go out with her. people who keep positive and happy. people who don’t cry on the floor of her bedroom telling her they want to jump in front of the train at the station. 

it hurts to think about. it hurts so much. because i’m such a dependent person and she’s the only one who i can touch who i can actually tolerate when i’m like this. but she deserves more than being a damn caretaker. she deserves a real life so she should chase it. 

i wouldn’t stop her. i wouldn’t be that selfish.

it’s attention seeking to be like this, attention seeking every time i call her with tears on my face, attention seeking every time she asks “how are you feeling?” and i say “how do you think.” because the answer barely changes. it’s attention seeking to cry so much and so loud, it’s attention seeking to tell people i know mental illness, it’s attention seeking to drag my nails across my tummy. its attention seeking to be writing this right now.

but i’m sitting in bed with tears in my eyes. my rooms a complete mess and mum’s been telling me to clean it for days. but i dont have the energy to do that. i dont have the energy to fold up my clothes, to hang up my shirts. i dont have the energy to pack away my make up. i dont have the energy to tidy up my desk. i dont have the energy. to do anything other. than sit here. cry. and type out my head.

my legs are folded. they feel weighted. tied down to the mattress.

i’m not getting up. i won’t shower tonight, not feeling like this. i’m itchy. i won’t clean. i won’t write. i won’t eat anything more. or drink. i won’t. i won’t. i won’t. i can’t. i can’t. 

the only thing it seems i can do is this but i’m just telling myself that. for attention probably. i’m just convincing myself.

always convincing myself. 

“be unhappy”

“think about killing yourself, you want to”

“hurt yourself, you need to”

“cry”

“cry”

“cry”

“list out your flaws”

“list out the ways you can kill yourself tonight”

“skip one meal”

“cry”

“cry”

“hate yourself”

“complain. whine. cry.”

my head feels heavy too now. my ears are ringing. i think a headache’s coming on. i’ve already got cramps. 

“how do you feel?”

heavy. 

always heavy. in my legs, my arms, my fingertips. but mostly in my chest. i have an extra 10kilos sitting inside my lungs. an extra 10 kilos of what? i’m not sure. feels like concrete. or clay. or maybe just plain dirt.

it hurts but it doesn’t. a numb pain. but it’s suffocating me and i think theres something alive there too. i can always feel it eating away at whatever else is working in there. whatever else is still, painfully, keeping me alive. i don’t know how long until it’s all been eaten through anyway and i guess i’m just too tired to care about it. 

hannah texted me. just now. i don’t know... whether to look - i’m being petty and it’s hurting her i can tell. she hates tense air. she hates it. she mentioned in class she and michelle were going to see incredibles2 and it’s childish of me to get offended but i did. i’m proud and stubborn. she was embarrassed. and although i feel bad i’m too proud to apologise. - - i sent her a photo of my costume for a party and she pulled a face. probably meant nothing, but now i want to cancel. i hate it i hate it i hate it. i’m always like this and it’s awful but i don’t care i can’t care. 

i want to be so mean that she leaves. but i’m so scared to watch her go. 

a few of my many unattractive qualities that shine brighter the more you get to know me:

- proud - stubborn - childish - a massive sore loser - bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter - spiteful and hateful

i don’t want to see her text. but i guess i’ll open it..

it’s about something else. i guess she doesn’t really care after all. time for petty grace to be bitter.

i’m such a fucking bitch.

haven’t seen my psych in a couple months. its a couple hundred bucks to see her and it really doesnt do much - merely temporary relief, but i only make promises i can’t keep. mum can’t spend the money. it’s selfish of me to say but she thinks i’m just crying for attention too. she thinks it does nothing. she doesn’t care. 

when it comes up here and there and she tries to brush it down, it’s always condescending. always. i know she’s trying to help but telling me that i’m fine when i’m crying every other day is not trying to help. it’s always on the tip of my tongue. it’s always there. but i can’t say it to her i can’t give her that kind of pain. i can’t. 

"i want to fucking die, mum. i want to kill myself! and you don’t even care that i break down once a week. you don’t care! that i scratch my skin til it bleeds!” 

but y’know, her response will probably be: “don’t swear like that.” 

and you know how i said i’m spiteful? god. the people that tell me that i am mentally healthy, that i’m just being whiny, that i’m a moody teenager and i’ll cheer up soon. 

call me petty. call me selfish. call me stupid and ridiculous and a waste of fucking space! i know i’m a piece of shit attention whore but fuck there’s so little holding me back from proving them wrong. 

and maybe that’s what is sitting there in my chest weighing so much and eating me alive. my spite. curled up and chewing on every breath of mine. deciding whether to keep my alive or label me “roadkill”. 

i’m exhausted. i have cramps and a headache. i don’t exercise. i don’t write. i don’t get out of bed. i’m an attention seeking bitch and a waste of healthy organs. 

this is my depression. if that’s what you wanna call it. 

...

keep your penny

[otterplusharchive]

I just feel im not enough, not even to my partner, to anyone Everyone feels alone with me its like i dont even count as a person, my partner always says that I am enough and theyre alway so good i feel bad that i feel like this. I feel i cant be okay. Like they're wasting their time on me. Im not special,i should've died long ago -N

mm i feel this way a lot too, but i want to remind you that there really is no universal standard that you have to live up to in order to be good enough (besides being a decent person and not trying to hurt others but thats pretty obvious and besides the point), i know its hard to believe and remember but you really are good enough just the way you are. you are good enough and doing enough by making it through every day and staying alive. and heres a secret: i can garuntee you that almost everyone has moments or extended periods of times where they think theyre not good enough either, and i for one have never found myself thinking that someone else isnt good enough especially if theyre someone i love. your partner and loved ones are proud of you and want you around, and the world is far better with you in it. you dont deserve to die and you shouldnt have died before now, look how far youve come!! look how much youve learned and grown and experienced, remember the people youve met and the things that have made you smile even a little bit. theres so much of life that you have to see, and its okay if youre motivated to live even from seemingly small things.what im trying to say here is, we are ALL good enough and we all are growing and learning. if you slip up thats okay, and it doesnt make you a failure or not good enough and you just have to keep trying. you are loved and important, and if people are making you feel badly i would encourage you to reach out and have a conversation about how youre feeling, and if they dont change their behavior then they dont deserve your energy or time. you deserve to be with people who make you feel appreciated and loved. i promise you are always good enough

[there-is-jaz-nothing-like-yu]

I am overcoming all my fears

and the way to my small 2 months goal of SGD $ 16,000 FYC is an uphill task from the start.

ok. I swallowed my fears of approaching friends. my cousins.

All the usual ones that I have closer contact.

ex-colleagues

and they have proved to me correctly based on my gut that they don’t deserve any of my time or attention.

To me, time is precious and so I dont like to waste it on stupid people.

I will continue to work on my capability if not I will end up that stupid one.

I will be the TOP OF THE TOP and so much more.

“””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””

Extract from the angry post on my phone

That the people’s eyes will change from disdain to admiration and then I’ll let them have that exact same taste of their medicines of disregard, disrespect, ignoring that will arise in them in the same way I had them 

No. I am not even doing this to show off

No, I’m not even doing this to make them feel bad

No, I am definitely not vengeful.

But this is the way the world wants to be taught

They showed me countlessly that if I was too kind, I will be eaten alive

If I take back some authority, they belittle me and dont give me the time of day

And since it is said that success attracts success

I will aim outside and attract my successes now

This is a declaration of war against my laziness and my fear of believing that I can shine and shine even more brighter than anyone else

I dont need to be in awe I dont need to compare

I dont need to be jealous

Coz NO one can be me so they can never replicate or own what I have

I dont even need to replicate someone’s success because my imagination is different and no one can fit me into a box

I have just as much power and energy and health and strength to bring my superpower out.

And I like to conquer my profession but I HATE MY TEAM.

*************************************************************************************************

I rode twice on GaB’s bike today. I am usually apprehensive.

But what came into me today?

I saw an eagle today too.

I went to see my dad, my so-called previous life lover.

He’s all evidence on the side effects of what a stupid cancer can do to you.

While my profession is halfway selling a good product but the blinded people are in the way of their own lives to get it.

And that to me, is the fun and not so fun part ( 40/60). The part of convincing. 

The part when I convinced someone is the part that I like.

Other things that I like are singing and dancing and writing and travelling to see new stuff and knowing a lot of different people.

Interesting life.

[metamorphosingbrick]

Hi, 

Its a sad day and series of moments which lead you here. i never wanted you here to be honest- it’s a weird zone. Yes it is a weird zone. Cause you are here and here i am writing about you. But alas! It’s my mistake and i wish i can paint over it but i cant. I cant rely on anyone either for a recovery so- ill have to be on my own. Nobody will help you- they can support you once but you have to learn  by yourself. Ranjan is right, even if you wont show it out loud- i know it did hurt like at one point and you are a nice guy. Best guy but just not the guy for me. and too much drama man. I came here for somethin and so did you- so let’s achieve that in unison and be cool about it. 

You were absolutely right- we come from a very different family and we cannot be together but friendship seems cool eventually. We cannot be the friends we were but lets start over. I know my actions are incongruence with my words but i really do love you as a friend and i aways will. I cannot forget how you came to help me that day- or the time when we were talking till 4 am. I dont know where time was spent along with the smile. Your smile is the best thing i have seen in this country. So bright and exuberant. It generates sparks in your eyes. I dont see you smiling like that anymore. It’s weird. I dont think i dont like you anymore but the envelope of friendship is what really matters. i wish i could yell and ask you to not behave so formally with me and just say whatever you feel like but my want for that seems unreasonable. It’s not something i can want, i dont have the authority for it. I wasted your night when you could be stdying rather than witnessing the utter bullshit that happened. I dont want to give explanation for my behaviour- it was my fault. But thats gone and i cannot change it but i can definitely not repeat the scenario. 

 It was just a reassurance that god, your presence just makes me feel more cooler because you are someone i can pour my heart out like nobody’s god damn business. It really hurts me to think that i hurt you. Probably you dont feel it but i feel like i hurt myself that day. You do mean a lot to me. I like you just like you are, the sometimes talking too much and sometimes not talking. The way you look at things, the way you arrange and keep things organised, the way you talk about everythng The way you are open to welcoming ideas, the way you are willing to help people. You are this one person i really care about in this college, I dont want to justify my immature behaviour. But if it means anything to you- I really would miss you as friend, like the way we were. Like the way you said stupid stuff and laughed our hearts out. Like the one, where i could see your blazing smile shining through and i cant remember a moment without you doing that anymore beside me. It’s like you smiled and everything felt right. I am saying this in a capacity of a friend. That’s all. We all like someone but liking doesnt mean being with that person. It can also be appreciating existence. I appreciate your existence and i am sure- you can see the picture more clearly than me. We have come here with a purpose so, i dont want to be a passerby but would love to be a part of this journey we started by taking the cab from the airport. I know you need time, i think you need it more than i do. I know you wont show it out loud, thats the sad part about knwing you, I know you feel a lot but you wont let it effect your behaviour. Thats why it hurts me more cause i didnt want to create chaos in your life, i just couldnt predict this through. 

Maybe youll see negative connotations in the entire letter but atleast you should be smiling with a thought, how cool your presence makes people feel.

We will greet each other with hifi but instead

i would want to hold you and make things right.

Days will become months, months will become years, 

We might forget each other that’s one of my fears. 

If it means a bit to you and you believe me, I heartily apologise for my behaviour. You wont tell but i feel like somewhere i embarrased you along with myself that day and i cannot take that. I can’t say anything to make things better but i give you all the time in the world to come back, in whichever way you want. 

But i want my good friend back, soon would be a good time.

I wish i could make things right and seem like it’s cool. I wish i could really undo what i did. I wish. I dont want you to have a notion that the girls you met are a representation of the population. It’s just you happen to meet the wrong ones, but you are a great guy and you deserve better than this shit. You are this amazing guy who when smiles feels like this is the right time to be alive. Thank you so much for letting me stay at your place and being the perfect host. I couldnt be a good friend to you. I dont want to rush you with anything, we both are sane enough to give each other the space. I am really sorry.  

That very morning, you seemed to look down onme. Like i failed you, it didnt feel good to be honest. It looked like you didnt want to explain or try to explain. I dint seem to be getting it properly perhaps but it felt like you didnt care but you didnt seem to be off either. Like you were pushing me hard to say that you really dont care but deep inside you did you did. Its like you just didnt want to ocntribute any energy here towards this. It felt weird too. Like you were trying to keep distance and now i seems to far fetched to even come inside the icrcle. How stupendously hilarious i am to expect everything will be fine. I know it wont. It doesnt seem right. 

I would want to have a letter conversation with you but telegraph system works fine too. If you are good with soending two minutes of your life to contribute to our friendship - just drop me a telegraph and it’ll be cool. Telegraph every month is reassurance. 

I dont mind getting a telegraph on my birthday too. You dont have to give your presesnce, ill understand. The world is not a wish granting factory and i get it. 

[swampgallows]

something inside me has been killing me for years and i can’t pinpoint what it is and i don’t know how to make it stop.

i guess i could have been working all of this time. i’ve wasted a lot of time since i stopped working. i told my parents i was going to be working on my writing and my art and my DJing and i have barely done any of that. i havent been able to write my next chapter for months. nothing has come to me. and the story is a stupid fanfiction so it’s not really worth anything, it’s not like i’m working on the next great american novel or whatever. i havent finished the illustrations i wanted to do for my zine so i haven’t released that yet either. im barely scraping by on gift art. it took me 5 months to order the lathe cut for myself but i did finally do -that-. and im barely on the second section of coding. everything feels so difficult and i can’t focus on a single thing at a time. i’ve been trying to figure my life out but all of my avenues seem empty.

last night i thought if i could pretend to be someone else that wanted to take care of me, i would be able to take care of myself. after an entire day of not eating, around 1am i guess i finally got something to eat. i’d had “drinkable yogurt” earlier but this was actually semi-solid food i was making. soup and grilled cheese. i spent enough time outside with the dog that i got a little chilled and figured i’d have that. nothing sounded appetizing. as i was sitting outside with xena i kept seeing things move and flash in the night and froze up with terror. they werent real, of course, but i saw them anyway. little spirit beasts flitting through the darkness.

i’ve been trying to keep my head above water. part of me knows that i really wouldnt be able to have kept working. i would have snapped at somebody or been Too Ill. i would have shown too much, the non-professional me. there is no professional me. i feel like no matter how hard i’d try, even if i wanted to, i would always be tangentially askew from the pulsing Thing to which everyone else is tied. i cannot ever be part of this Thing that everyone else is part of. I dont think it’s the kind of thing that dropping E and suddenly feeling the Unity or whatever will solve. i dont think a rush of endorphins will make me feel like i belong to society. i feel like i am a liminal entity and i have to exist in an in-between state or i will cease to exist at all. i dont fully know what i mean by that except that i feel like i must always be on my way somewhere. i would rush out of work and class and anywhere else, i walk anywhere i can and listen to music and check out mentally and physically from everything else. i live in my head where it is safe, and that is not safe. the internet is almost like a real version of this; existing as a liminal, safe, curated Self, a self away from the self, a place detached from my body and lifestyle and anything else. its a great equalizer where everybody has a say no matter where or who they are. 

i have written for over ten years now that i want to run away. i suppose i want to run away from myself but i’m not sure how true that is anymore. i dont know where i want to go. i have no destinations. just “away”.  i’ve been wanting to go to rotterdam for half of my life. i had always wanted to travel, of course, but there was never anything i wanted to actually do or see except to one day go to the netherlands and go to a nightmare in rotterdam or something like that, and now it’s finally happening. and it’s bigger than Nightmare, it’s THUNDERDOME. i never thought i would have the chance to go to a Thunderdome party in my lifetime but i’m alive and it’s happening and it’s like i cant even envision what i want to do or anything. i just want to get there, and be there, and exist in a place that isn’t here, and look at clouds, and smell different air, and see different buildings, and then dance my balls off all night to some really, really, really great music. this should feel like my wedding day but instead i just feel ...hard. i feel like i dont deserve it, or like it’s not actually going to happen, or like i will just ruin everything, or that somebody else will. 

nate was talking to me about all of these self-started self-accomplished people he’s been hanging out with and how he feels so pressured by their sheer level of success. he is also self-made and successful but feels like he’s supposed to be even more so. i dont know if i want success. i dont have anything to succeed at. 

my friend, who is an older friend but i had to keep at arm’s length a while, has come back into my life recently to help me with coding. granted, he’s drunk 99% of the time he talks to me, but he’s at least trying to encourage me to stick with it. he always wants to voice chat with me but i usually dont have the energy, or i’m doing something else. he keeps telling me about all the success i could have—”it's a journey but it's well worth it, and it's just a topic that you'll never exhaust as long as you live, which is true of the best topics worthy of devoting time to, and you're super smart, you'll have no issue with this -- just keep it up over a couple of years, just chipping away at it, and the career that's ahead of you could be so interesting”—and i feel like i just... don’t care. about any of it. about anything. sure i’d like to make/have a lot of money, i guess, just to keep my comforts. but then what? im living with my parents who i know actually do care about me, but don’t seem to, or just “support” me. 

when i finally got up the courage? stamina? delusion? to pretend to be someone else and grill me a cheese, i was feeling a little okay. i was feeling proud that i took initiative to at least fucking feed myself, since i barely seem capable of doing that. i was keeping up steam until i heard my mom crying from another room, “Where’s my baby girl? is that my baby?” and i knew she wasnt talking about the dog, and my heart dropped through my chest and i just wanted to die. “What do you want?” i snipped, trying to answer her but unable to hide my contempt apparently. “I just wanted to see you” or some such shit, i dont even remember what she said. “can i help with anything?” no “may i hug you?” (at least she asked) i don’t want to be hugged right now. “okay. im sorry you’re so unha--that youre not feeling good--- i hope you feel better...” and she hobbled away.

it was like 130 in the morning and i was standing over “45 calorie” wheat bread that had been thawed. my illusion of being someone that i was not—someone who gave a shit about me—was broken, and i felt like a fucking idiot, and i felt caught in the act of pretending, and i felt embarrassed, and i felt like... how dare i try to be something im not. how dare i imagine for even a fucking moment that im not genetically and financially and whatever the fuck else chained to this fucking family and all of my inherited neuroses and everything else. that she made an appearance specifically to disrupt whatever the fuck it was i was doing. because she had offered to cook me a thousand things and i didnt want any of them, and i didnt want her to take care of me, because im never going to be able to take care of myself, and when i finally took a course of action to actually try to feed myself my mom couldnt STAND it, apparently, and had to, still, offer to “help” when im MICROWAVING A CAN OF SOUP AND PUTTING BREAD ON A PAN. how could she HELP? she couldnt. she just had to fucking make her presence there because god forbid i do a single fucking thing on my own. i’m... 27 years old... for christ’s sake... i dont need “supervision” to toast some kraft singles onto bread... and if i did, i would ask.

or maybe i wouldnt. im not good at asking for help. even when i know i need it. i dont like owing people things or asking for favors. it just proves how worthless i am and that im dependent on other people and cant do anything by myself and that anything i do by myself fucks up. at least if i fuck up whatever it is i’m doing i wont have to drag anybody else into it. 

so i finally ate and after a few hours of cramps and being unable to even eat without feeling like i was gonna throw up, i spent like an hour in the bathroom regardless, immediately purging whatever it was i dared to eat. 

i dont know how to get better. part of me is afraid of getting better. if i have a good thing it will just be ruined. all i do is hold people back and im tired of getting in people’s way. im tired of making a bunch of wrong decisions and then half the time not even being able to own them. im tired of feeling like life is just happening to me and knowing that i dont have control over anything.