#i dont fucking wanna hear me anymore i just wanna be out of all of this constant mother fucking misery ffs | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

moonlit-orchid · 5 months

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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out

#vent #its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything #i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just #im fucking tired ok #and I'm sorry im a bad friend #i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired #i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it #but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit #and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them #and they can lash out on me #i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not #last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend #it wasnt my fault #that friend ghosted me #im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too #but at the same time im too done to even really care #i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day

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zoppzoop · 4 months

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GAAHAHHHHH

#venting in the tags #maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much #but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn #im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but #i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me #feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel #like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went #back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening #and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just #crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and #usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better #but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that #plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut #the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad #'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like #shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those #fuck you you bitch #i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep #tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less #ps. note to anyone reading the tags #im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.

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agayconcept · 5 months

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#oh for fucks sake #if i have to listen to my shithead of a mother bitch and whine and moan about me being disabled one more fuckinG time i s2g #she's been going on for 20 mins abt how annoying it is that i had to go lie down for a bit bc i had a migraine and a pain flare up #which meant i guess that she didnt get to make dinner when she wanted to (i told her she could just eat w/o me like who cares)#so now she's on a rampage abt how inconvenient it is to her and how i ruin her schedule and her life all the time etc etc #and when i responded calmly w 'well what would u like me to do- snap my fingers and not be disabled anymore? u TOLD me to go lie down.'#she exploded and is like 'oh noOoo ofc not nothing is ever ur fault u just accidentally do these things'#bitch WHAT THINGS ?????#exist as disabled ??? be in so much pain i spend most of my life these days in bed ??? be unable to function to ur standards ????#do u Hear urself ??#now she's sitting on the couch pouting and fuming like a toddler bc i was in bed for 2 hours instead of 30 mins (bc too much pain to get up)#and throwing a tantrum like that is in any way normal or acceptable behaviour #'u always do this! but nooo u can do w/e u want cant u ?? u dont have to consider others!!'#ma'am...#a) no i dont have to consider others when it comes to taking care of myself and my debilitating illnesses. that's an insane thing to suggest #b) nobody told u u could not do w/e the fuck u wanted while i was out of commission. u just did this to have more to complain abt #c) ah yes bc i 'want' to be bedbound in excruciating pain. that was a choice i made. for funsies. for the bit.#whaT ?????#god someone save me im gonna lose my mind w this shit #not to mention she's also belligerently drunk so like. there's that also. cant have any proper convo bc of it (not that i wanna talk to her)#jesus fUcking chrisT #i gotta get out of here #this woman is so immensely hateful #ya sorry i ruined ur life by being born this way and now ur stuck 'putting up' w me and 'my shit' (<- actual things she has said many times)#fuuuuuck me.#anyway.#negative #ableism #verbal abuse #ask to tag

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professionaljester · 7 months

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how the fuck do people make friends online lol

#abc shut it #vent #or in general #im so fucking lonely lol i cant even play games anymore bc thats cringe wow your so lonely looser #i dont draw anymore bc it doesnt fullfill me bc i have no one to share it with and no one cares #i wish my existence was acknowledge besides when im wrong and being stupid or lashing out and being mean bc ive hit my limit with being #treated lesser than those around me #for a fundamental flaw in my whole being and soul that i cannot fix and ppl wont tell me what it is #I feel like im screaming PLEASE SEE ME PLEASE HEAR ME #and everyone just fucking ignores me what am i doing wrong can someone tell me what im doing wrong #im so self aware to the point of exhaustion and i still fuck up and dont know whats wrong with me #please just someone help me and tell me #i feel like i have no one and cant rely on others please #im at my wits end #if i cant buy a house and still feel this lonely by 30 im ending it all i cant live in a world this terrible anymore #idk i feel like the people i do have in my life cant even bother to makle the time for me and i cant even have a moment to dicuss that with #them #bc they never text me back or are never around long enough to have that conversation with me #or if i cant make it known im treated like an idioit for feeling that way and i shouldnt be so selfish that ppl dont wanna make time for me #i just wanna feel like im cared and loved for in return is that too much to ask for #the people i care about i feel dont care as much for me as i do them #and if they do they dont show it to me at all #all i do is get belittled and treated like a child and talked over #i cant do it anymore

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horce-divorce · 1 year

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So to be clear tumblr is the only social media i actually bother to use with any regularly, but sometimes you crave variety. For example sometimes going on reddit is a nice distraction, and my feed is all really interesting silly low-investment type posts that i can scroll thru and be entertained by without feeling like i have to engage. and other times it feels exactly like facebook. just suggested post after suggested post that makes me say "god you people are so fucking unbelievably stupid." posts seemingly hand picked to make me so enraged, the exact kind of shit I go online to AVOID.

currently it's recommending me a bunch of posts about "why does America have so much looting?" That have a bunch of responses like, "Because of the crime wave, no one prosecutes shoplifters, people have just noticed its so easy to get a group together on whatsapp, etc" and WHY? It thinks I would want or need these posts? Idfk??? I hang out in r/antiwork and like 3 other main subs about being homeless and random entertainment topics. I don't use reddit for politics or world events. I do NOT get my news from there.

Anyway there was also one recommended thread about "why do rural folk feel looked down upon by city folks?" And all the responses were, "yeah! It's them who are rude to the city people!" And when someone mentioned the lack of resources in rural areas, another person chimed in to say "well I lived in Detroit and now I live in a rural area and we have WAY more food and resources than Detroit does!" But the second anyone brings up, you know, the socioeconomic factors that influence that shit, everyone's like whining and crying bc their little brains can't handle ""bringing race into it."" someone had a different life experience than you?! Pft, sure, and then all the bystanders clapped! 🙄

idk it's like. the more time goes on, the wider economic gaps become, the more obvious it is how effectively people are brainwashed. It's not like the answers to these questions are hidden esoteric mysteries. It's not like people having different, individual experiences in life is new. Even my grandma understands that a) people aren't actually looting that much and b) even if they were, have you bought groceries in the past 3 years? if so, why are you even asking that question?? But you try to actually talk about how bad shits getting and these fuckers go into high gear defending The American Way Of Life and blaming individual choices. Ppl are drinking the Kool aid so hard and they think water is just supposed to fucking taste like that

#me #they put the kool aid in to cover up the taste of lead.#flint still doesnt have clean water. btw.#thats such a perfect example of what im talking about too #for YEARS its been common knowledge that we are poisoning and killing the people of flint (very near detroit fwiw. related topics)#and its like #idk i feel like i meet ppl who assume that bc Everyone Knows About Flint that means that it got fixed or smth #it fucking didnt #doesn't it feel kinda like. w wages and inflation. or covid. or anything else.#we declare oh yeah X is happening! its in the media. heres the numbers. everyones talking about it. finally out in the open. here we go #its in the news cycle for a few weeks and then bam. gone. nothing.#and everyone thinks oh its gone now. i guess its over #covid is still rampant and terrifying but its not on everyones minds anymore so no one wears masks. problem fucking solved am i right #everyone knows inflation is untenable. ceos make 400x workers. rent is all of your income. no one can afford food #we wont change wages tho. and everyone is just like. well if employers dont wanna pay more thats ok. just look harder for work.#just try harder. just work more jobs. just sell your blood in addition to your time body heart and soul.#its like people are hearing 'socioeconomic factors beyond our control influence how we live our lives' and they still go #'but why dont you wanna just buy more money?'#theyre HEARING words but they arent LISTENING #ONE person in that looting threads comments mentioned police brutality. one.#and they shockingly weren't getting downvoted into the negatives but they definitely werent being heard either #i feel like thats the most glaringly obvious one #like the entire world saw our police force going apeshit and they went 'woah are black ppl in america ok?'#and everyone said NO PLEASE HELP #and... nothing fucking changed!!!#everyone supported water protectors that 1 time. but the water protectors in the great lakes region still fighting?? crickets #i dont get it. i dont get it!!!!#in the news: heres 20 current events making life untenable for disenfranchised people #everyone: i dont get it? why are they breaking stuff

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years

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#bluh. its been a long week and its not over bc i have to get this fucking manuscript done like fucking this weekend #and Sunday i have to go do fieldwork and then its Monday hhhhh #my boss: the meme of the week is productive women get shit done #and im like being called a woman in stem kills me a little more every time i hear it bleh im just trying to live my life #and by live i mean drain away all my time in the lab. uuuuh i need to rewrite these fucking methods and dun wanna #also fucking the coordinator lady who bought my plane ticket to visit one of my potential schools made it so that im gonna have to drive to #the airport at like 4am and then ill get back to my apartment at after 12am on the return. like i said my time was flexible but wtf lady?#its prob bc they were expensive tickets bc the fucking military #ugh. and the other school is like select 3 profs to meet with. and im like wtf y do i have to? if its just screening stuff y dont u just #assign it? i dont understand hhhh i dont wanna talk to them. i fucking dunno. at least i made it to the interview stage i guess #also also i was running today and randomly remembered that over the break my old bat of a nana was being stingy abt #money bc she said she was gonna give out inherentence to her kids while still alive so they would still be young enough to enjoy it #and my dad and uncle could retire a lil early and still pay for insurance and now shes going back on that bc she doesnt want taxes to go to #the government and my papa is like 85 and hes gotta b nearing deaths door and he cant reel her in anymore #anyway. point is she was talking to my uncle abt her reasons for keeping the money and she was talking shit on my mom for like the way she #spends money. like my mom has cancer u old fucking bitch. shes trying to enjoy her life a little before shes like dead or bedridden #shes also made comments abt my moms weight and like wtf lady she has cancer. shes had multiple abdominal surgeries she had a hernia for #like a real long time sorry shes not spending all her time exercising and eating tasteless healthy food like u #anyway i just think my nana is a bad person. so is my other grandma tbh my sister gets so pissed at her for ordering my mom around #like she treats her dog better than she ever did her kids. lol my grandparents just suck on both sides #and like everytime my parents r like go do things for ur grandparents im like fucking y? they're bad ppl #i dont kno how my parents r so normal #anyway wtf was i doing... ah right procrastinating #unrelated #srry for lack of drawings. just zero time 🫠#i lov my mum so much. she doesnt deserve any of this bullshit

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mourning-star-daily-comet · 11 days

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you true crime types are soooo annoying. you never let go of ANYTHING. Alex was right about you xoxo 💋💅🤭

im going to shoot you point blank in the back of the head execution style

#guys dont come for me i didnt mean it #idk if this is too far but idc #im fed the fuck up #i dont wanna hear about alex and i dont wanna get any more hate i just want everything to be normal again #im a normal fucking person just like every single one of you. i dont know what i even did anymore. so much has happened since then #i didnt think that showing my emotions one damn time on here would be so insane and change everybodys lives #and this isnt even scratching the surface of the hate im getting. thanks for nothing to all my followers i hate you guys like actually #you guys dont see me as a person you just see me as a faceless blog. which is good cause i dont wanna get fucking doxxed again #but also i feel like everyone forgets im a human being andi have feelings and i have things i need and want #i want to be okay again i want my mom to come back i want to quit my job and i want to be happy just like so many people u know #what the fuck is so diffferent about me that you guys think i dont deserve any of it #is it cause i fucked up a couple times as a teenager on the internet??? cause i had a falling out with a dramatic asshole i dated??#fuck you guys #not even joking #and if i wasnt so committed to my damn job #which is literally all this is at this point #id probably leave the internet forever but fuck me i guess

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g0thsoojin · 2 months

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🦴..

#he thought i was too emotionally fragile to listen to him :((( so he didnt come to me with his struggles #even if he wanted and needed to #which makes me so upset too bc like #i CAN hear it. i WANT to hear it i want to be there for him!!!!#but me and my fkn whining made him feel like he had to be careful with my emotions and not burden me #im just so.... i regret it all so much #so this is a big part of why i need to try to separate that blog i have sentimental attachment to and actually successfully have a #blog specifically for venting... bc i cant risk this ever happening again #i mean atm i dont ever wanna talk to anyone again bc everyone hates me and i will only hurt everyone and everyone are mean lol #so yeah.... but to think i couldve avoided all this and he wouldnt have pulled away from me if i hadnt run my dumb fkn mouth on that blog..#i regret i so much my body hurts i wanna throw up and cry and rip my hair out how tf did i let that happen #but also another reason is that... i really dont know why but last year i got more active followers and too many ppl see my blog :///#which means more assholes who are mean and rude to me #so everytime i vent im hyperaware and anxious abt ppl judging me silently #or sending rude anons and i dont feel comfortable anymore #also... there is one guy... who .. idk why but he has this weird... attachment to me #and he gets mad that i dont want him and calls me stupid for pining over someone who doesnt want me #(actually the entire problem is that the loml did want me but i fucked it up)#and he sends mean anons and want me to talk to him everyday even if he doesnt even reply to what i say when i message him and idk #i feel uncomfortable bc he looks at my blog and judges me and is mean and i hate it :/#i wish i had done this earlier..#which ive actually tried several times but i always end up fkn whining my head off on my main anyway #idk why. but i have to find a way to stop bc i just dont want this to be a source of unease for me anymore #ill always hate myself for letting it fuck it up with him tho bc i cant imagine ever loving anyone this much.... fuck i hate myself i really #i really hate myself... and already now when im like yeah imma stop #ive already made several whiny too vulnerable vent posts on that blog like can i stop??? whats wrong with me ohmyfkngod

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celestialmancer · 3 months

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⛈️ ❌ ❌ ❌ // 2:09 am, tbd ;

#this is a fucking vent so just gnore the venty ass tags but i have nowhere else to place this that feels safe other than just.#shouting into a void where no one hears. aka here ig.#bc its better i shout into a void alone than drag others down with me somehow—i dont. know #regardless… i’m just… i dont know what to think.#things are really bad lately & i’m struggling again to stop myself from sh utting down every time i try being vulnerable & opening up.#i keep clamming up & letting my mind take the reins when it tells me to just erase anything i say. to not open up.#to swallow every single emotion & experience that’s hurting me & let that poison kill me slowly instead. deal with it alone #because it feels like its wrong to open up. like its wrong to say anything. like me being open is just.#me being a fucking burden or something. i don’t know. i shouldn’t be like this. i’m supposed to be fucking better than t his.#what the fuck happened to the version of myself that could just keep suppressing & suppressing & not being a goddamn thorn in ppl’s sides.#esp bc all the things i’m having a difficult / painful time with is all fucking trigger heavy shit or things that i just don’t.#fucking know what to do with anymore because its not shit within my control.#a lot of it’s shit im still just processing that has hurt a lot & havingg to cope w that grief alone.#but then there’s also other circumtances too that are hard to navigate & my BPD having a field day w me in recent history too #i don’t know what the fuck is wrong w me at this point. & im scared & i can’t stand being fucking alone in this shit yet.#i feel like i have to. i have to. i have to. beccause this is my own issue & to dare express anything is me just. using ppl isn’t it.#that’s all it is right. & besides how many times has it been proven that ppl get sick of me for not being okay.#how many times have ppl walked away because they realize im just some fucking deadweight emotionally or something. id on’t fucking know.#am i spiraling? who fucking knows! maybe! because im fucking tired of what my life has been in general & im. overwhelmed.#overwhelmed by existence itself i fucking guess & what its meant for me overwhelmed by expectations overwhelmed by vulnerability thats just.#bleeding out through the fucking cracks of this fucking mess of a person i am.#& constantly fucking afraid that im just. too much. too much. too much for anyone.#too emotional in fucking general too intense too overwhelming for others regardless if its overwhelming them via pos or neg emotions.#afraid im going to get discarded afraid of what’s to come afraid in fucking general. fear & grief & pain & rage & hatred &.#desperation to feel anything other than this & desperation to feel loved thats got me having rly foul compulsions too #all my emotions feel like some kind of fuckihng hairtrigger & its hard to stop it in fucking general. i dont fucking know. & like i said it.#feels like shit to deal with completely alone. not bc i wanna deal with alone but bc i /have/ to bc if i dont then im just. a problem. or.#i dont know. im tired of everything tired of my emotions tired of this life tired of all that ive had to face up til this point & tired of.#fear & idk how to handle things alone anymore. my friends deserve better than this emotional burden i am to be around ig.#it feels so much like i have to apologize to those i befriend for being. well. this. for all of me & for being ‘too much’ in general.

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29121996 · 3 months

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#delayed Frontal Processing has me being pissed off w an ex bff #bc she cant ficking liaten to me nor respect Anything i ever fucking ask or say #and im over it.#she sent me a mssg abt troye con n all i did was fucming groan n go “fuck off.” like i cannot stand her anymore?????#its kne thing to . forget shit abt my life its another to completely disregard something ivw said to you 100x #only for u to follow it up with 'so when are u coming down?' like never???? i Just Told you i cannot afford nor do i even fucking want to #waste my money and time off on a trip to a city i dont even wanna visit.#either we go halvsies in ur trip up here for my birthday or u drop thenfucking subject. ans you couldnt do Either kf those ! so fuck off !#just mad n all i wanna do is vlock her lol . like im so tired of hearing from her. bc no u dont miss me.#u just wamma use me as a therapist lmao. u habe no interest in my life apart from whats goin on w my ex #and even then . i sont think tbats genuine interest i think ur wishinf on it to fail or not work Ever #god. shes a shitty fucming friend . through and through .#idc if ur going through shit. this isnt the 2st time ice cslled u out on yr bullshit and nothing has chsnged im so done lmao.#grow up. how are u 24yrs of age and still ao sheltered and selfish

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toastsnaffler · 4 months

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SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK

#i was like huh whats that noise. bc i can normally NEVER hear anything over my headphones but it was the rain fucking shattering it down #my bed is WET the window was only open a few inches 😭#anyway had no signal at work again today smfh. but at least they let me on the bus free on the way there this morning #still a bit wobbly im in the baby deer phase of post major depressive episode #roommate asked how i was doing when she got home and i very very nearly started crying but i didnt i was so brave #my insane insecurity and anger swings post rsd episode have mostly faded too thank fuck. only took 4 days which is pretty good for me #but im still so so tired it takes everything out of me...#when im recovered + can talk abt it without making myself upset again im promising myself i will talk to her abt the rsd if nothing else #but i really really dont want to make her feel bad abt it at all its genuinely not anyones fault. but its important to me that i say smth #just so we can avoid it happening again where possible bc it does really suck so bad. for everyone im sure but mostly me here #and i would like to be able to care abt ppl and have close friends without risking my entire mental (+ physical..) wellbeing 😭#i think if im still struggling w mood once my meds stabilise i might ask if there are options to help w that too #like i think ive gone as far as i can w therapeutic techniques rn. its just too overwhelmingly intense and reflexive for me to apply that #and i dont feel like i live my life around it or in fear of it anymore like generally i have been a lot better #but when im vulnerable and it DOES strike i have no defense against it whatsoever and it can tank everything for weeks #its just high stakes. and it'll help to make sure ppl know abt it and might be able to support etc but it would be nice to never worry abt #so worth trying meds for it maybe. i just dont rly wanna have the conversations w medical ppl in order to get it in the first place #like i wouldnt feel safe telling a doctor abt it bc the idea of someone with that authority having power over me is terrifying #ah well this isnt a problem for right now. plus stimulants might help me w it anyway once im finished titrating so we'll see #got so distracted typing this i forgot what i was gonna do.... i need to check my planner #and then ill probably read and go to sleep early i think zzzzz #ahhh.. and the birds are singing outside now the rain has stopped :-)#.diaries

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yongseungkim · 6 months

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#like i definitely need therapy lol #not that i havent tried in the past nothings just worked/stuck like the therapists werent a good fit for me perhaps #so im trying to reach out again because holy shit #i want to a) get out of my phd and b) have normal fucking friendships #but its so hard right now when anxious thoughts take over SO much some days like i know i cannot do this on my own #i have good friends i know who will hear me out #but man its the same thing over and over again with me but in a new font sometimes i swear #and my friends dont need to hear all those anxious depressive thoughts lol like #once in a while sure esp my closer friends but all the time? nawr #i have been trying to journal but man the emotions just bubble up and i dont feel better until ive like said things out loud #so honestly just having someone to rant about the same issues over and over again might be nice lol .#but i need to find a therapist that fits which is the hardest part #i do think ive made small strides on my own which is nice #but the emotions are just so loud and genuinely affect my day to day like its so hard battling things on my own #im at the point now where im like this cant go on for much longer somethings gotta change #if i want to have a phd in the next year and if i want to maintain friendships normally #and esp if i wanna stay roommates with this girlie cuz holy shit its been a lot harder than i expected maybe #i dont think i can do it on my own without major reprecussions #bro its also been like so long #i feel like ive always had some human i was extremely fond of for the past ?? years albeit most of them were like fake right like in the kp #*kpop world so it was fine when it becomes a real person it is absolutely terrible let me tell u .#but its also been a habit like i didnt realize how terrible my thoughts w ys were until now cuz they really wernet normal thoughts at all #like i want to break free of having these kind of attachments to people in a way cuz the only way i feel like ive been able to deal with bi #feelings is by transferring them to a new subject which isnt what i want anymore #like i just want it all to stop!#i also feel like mentally ive gotten worse ?? than before ?? in some ways like #i dont know if i want to make new friends and connections anymore #the same way i was trying so hard in the previous year which is worse bc now my efforts are like #SOLELY on this one girl in a way which is NOT. GOOD.#ive been trying to have conversations with the third roommate but i have to force myself?

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hecksupremechips · 8 months

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Idk how to even talk to anyone anymore when it’s just the same thing in a loop over and over

#i cant tell anyone anything or ask for help cuz lets see what happens #i get hit with a generic ‘just keep going keep looking for jobs keep going’#or i get *too honest* and then ive completely drained someone of life cuz thats really all im capable of doing anymore it seems #like it seems all i do is go on some sorta monologue about how miserable i am which is pointless cuz its not like anyone will do anything #and its just stressing people out too cuz its like lol if youre helpless and have to listen to me bitch over and over to you #its either annoying as hell to hear or its guilt inducing and we cant have that now can we #and im quite frankly tired of all these options like lol the very few people i actually like and enjoy are just fuckin #nothing anymore cuz im ruining their lives and being an awful friend #its really great how youre supposed to confide in people when youre feeling like shit but then doing so ruins everything #lol what am i supposed to do now you know? i cant talk about anything except myself and my misery #and its a never ending cycle cuz im still here in this unsafe environment and im just so fucking sick #of people telling me to just keep going and keep looking for jobs cuz god bitch thats what ive been doing #and i have nothing yet and lets say i get a job tomorrow its probably gonna pay like shit #and im too incompetent to work 40 hours so if i wanna like ease myself slightly itd take even longer to have money #and its just gonna take forever to save money enough to leave and god I need out like right now #because im just gonna go insane and im gonna kill myself if im here any longer every second im here breathing #feels like im being strangled im becoming a monster too and the worst friend of all time and terribly selfish and whiny #lol i guess ive just got this dumb fantasy where ill be saved by someone who treats me nice and they take me away #and i dont have to wait or lift a damn finger i can just. be safe. and get a hug and not fear my life #im so lazy and worthless and horrible I really do just deserve to die #but i guess i cant say that. cuz then itll make everyone too drained lol

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ozlices · 11 months

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our friend gifted us balder's gate, but we can't play it bc our computer can't handle it why is our suffering sincerely never fucking ending bruh

#mine #we were looking forward to having a new distraction to hyperfixate on but nooooooo #im literally just so done at this point. i just wanna stop existing if this is all it's gonna be.#i am trying as hard as i fucking can but jfc. literally every fucking corner something fucks with me.#if it's not people fucking me over & taking advantage of me #it's just life itself being a fucking dick like!#i literally haven't had any reprieve this year at all. bc the little reprieve i thought i did have was a fucking lie ig #& like! tbh! i dont even have energy to fully spiral anymore!#im sick of my own voice in my head! saying that same fucking shit! being a broken record!#i dont fucking wanna hear me anymore i just wanna be out of all of this constant mother fucking misery ffs #it's just annoying at this point. like above absolutely everything else i am just burnt out in annoyance.#literally this is fucking stupid and ridiculous at this point why is this year so fucking merciless #you literally fucking started by forcing me to watch my light go out in my arms. fuck you not giving me any peace since then #i hate being alive.

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nomaishuttle · 11 months

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no i fr couldnt... 200 dollars for the worst seats + wed have to get to ny and ill be looking for an apartment ariund that time and im already going to have spent a Lot of money to be in ky... heaviest sigh of my life

#i wanna see a broadway show one day thoufh... and definitely with lamp #theyre just so expensive 😭😭#but ill see abt the next block of tickets i might be able to seeeere abt taking us. maybe for lamps bday next year if the shows still #running then...#i dont rly care much abt broadway anymore tho like most modern shows dont do it for me. so j think the best bets for a show me and lamp #would enjoy seeing is sweeney or cats bc rhose r r autism bonding musicals... Aka i said Wouldnt it be funny to watch cats the musical and #cats the movie since were home alone rn. and we rented them out on youtube so we could have them on the big screen #and well..lives were chabged that day #and now i have the name of Every sjngle cat memorized. at least from the 98 movie...#it was also Insanely funny to watch 2019 cats immediately after 98 cats. like my brain had exploded watching 98 xats like Whys this slay #why does this slay whys this the best EVER? literally rearranged my brain . and then we watched 2019 and we oscillated between rage Tears #and losing our actual mindslaughing. it was so funny. and then we rewatched 98 again immediately after #and then three more times in the days following And then the rental expired.. all very saf #and then i went fucking craaaazy on the wiki... the psas dudee my favorite #oh and the sweeney story was i watched sweeney bc i was like oh music guy i watch and kennie jd both like this ill give it a try #and i enjoyed it and i watched it with ykw 🙄 which sucked and then i watched it with lamp which SLAYEDDD #and then we listened to every single recording together which was rly rly fun... n now 50% of our conversations are sweeney references #like we have a discord server for our calls Specifically so we could make a soundboard. 2/8 sounds are sweeney sounds. which ik 2 isnt a #lot but out of 8.. and also theyre from the same song #abd literally . the same 7 seconds kf the song. we have I hear nothing 🤨? and yyyyesssssss...#i hear nothing would be useful for when our mics arent working but instead we use barbie sound effect Balls (reverb)#bc my old headphones were weirdd and the soundboard sounds were either faint or inaudible it messed up all my audio #it was either the headphones or bc i was using web discord im not sure but its fixed now. but when i had that issue Literally the only #sound i could consistently hear was BALLS 📣#also yes it was a heavy debate between barbie Balls and nicki minaj BALLS 💥#our sounds are ummm.. balls No. from . ok random but its from the creeper rap ending b i think . the one where steve just kicks the creeper #and goes No. its so insanely funny to me me and my sibling referencenit all the time thats why its there #n then we have sweeney 2012 judges return I hear nothing 🤨 and yesss.. n then vine boom and a laughtrack and a booing crowd #i wanna replace the laughtrack with my dads phone notification sound but idk how 2 find it #tbh . im kind of tempted to get discord Solely so that i can add more sounds to the soundboard JDNFJFNFJFN

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worstsequence · 2 years

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#i need to vent but i cant even find the Words for my feelings and its so frustrating #and i just let frustration build up and up and they always say eventually youll explode but ive been #waiting to explode for like 10 years now and never have #and im just so tired of being suicidal all the time and not being able to just Do It because i fucking hate being alive and the suicidal #stuff isnt New so it feels stupid to vent about it now Because its not new so its like why are you venting on tumblr about it now #why didnt you vent the very first day of your current episode. is months long of suicidal thoughts every day an episode. and like ive been #suicidal for over a decade but theres been breaks and i feel like i havnt had a break from it in forever and im tired and i dont wanna feel #like this everyday for the rest of my life and even if it goes away it comes back everytime and the times its not there dont feel worth the #times it is and i feel like i cant do it anymore but i also cant kms or even talk about my feelings because people will be like no dont #and i dont wanna hear that and like. whatever. ill be fine #(has been saying ill be fine for my whole life. is never fine.)#whatever! i dont matter.#i finally have a psych appointment in april but like what is that gonna do. they cant fix me its gonna be like this forever #theres no such thing as no bad days and i Cant Handle Bad Days. every strong emotion i feel at the suicidal level #and im so worn out emotiobally i cant Fix Anything.#im never getting out of here im never getting out of here im stuck here forever #and its all inside my head so unless i smash it on some pavement its never going away! itll follow me everywhere #idk im good at Tolerating it i guess. still here! that counts for uh. something.

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