#i dont know how much more i can deal with

[houseofevanbuckley]

Part 1 : here

Tommy left. Of course he did.

Who would stay when Evan “Buck” Buckley fucks up again, uh?

He’s back in his room now, in his bathroom, getting ready for a shower and he’s wondering if he can avoid cleaning his lips and his birthmark so he can pretend to still feel Tommy’s touch. Tommy’s lips.

What a teenager.

He slams the door of the shower behind him and lets the water drop on his face, visualise it erasing Tommy’s kiss, his touch, like it never happened.

He doesn’t cry. It’s not his first deception. He knows how to deal with it.

He knows !!

Ok, maybe he doesn’t know. It’s been 2 weeks and his eyes still wander around every rooms he goes into. Around every venues.

Maddie has been on his ass as soon as he dropped his mug at the news of Tommy’s leaving.

And everyday she looks at him suspiciously. She even pulled his best friend Eddie and his son to try to have Buck to come out with it, whatever it was.

Her words. And he almost lost it laughing at the “come out” part. If she knew.

Maybe she should.

It’s been 3 more weeks. Five weeks in total and he called Maddie in his room.

“He kissed me.” He blurts as soon as she’s sitting down.

It’s a sign of how close they are that she doesn’t even need anything else to know what and who they’re talking about immediately.

“Did he force you?” she asks serious.

“What? No, no absolutely not! Why would you even think that?”

“I dont know Evan, maybe because you’ve been hurting for five weeks and now you tell me your bodyguards kissed you before running away and-“

“I liked it Maddie, I liked it so much,” he says, and his eyes fill with tears.

She looks at him for a few seconds before her face finally clear. He knows she gets him. He knows she already knows or guessing what he’s not saying yet.

“Oh Evan,” she says before standing from her seat and comes around to hug him.

They stay like that for a while, before she breaks the silence of the room.

“What happened ?”

“He kissed me. He came into my room, I was freaking out because I said “he” during that show. Because I couldn’t stop thinking about him, and he knocked and he came inside. And he kissed me. And when he asked if it was ok I… I just told him that I was sorry. And then he left. And he really left …”

They stay like that for a long time.

“Why did you say no?”

“Please Maddie… it’s been hard enough for us. Yes mom and dad helped a little but we struggled. YOU struggled so I could have my music lessons, my voice training, my recordings. Everything you did for me…. If I come out now? As what? Bi? People will freak… they’ll hate me. And through me you. They’ll destroy what we built together. What we fought for.”

Maddie looks at him and instead of the understanding he thought he’d see on her face he only see sadness, “Evan … do you truly think that your happiness is not my priority? That I wouldn’t drop everything here if it meant that my baby brother could have all he wants?”

“Maddie… you shouldn’t sacrifice anything for me.”

“And I don’t intend to, but I’d do it in a heartbeat. And I’m sure many of your fans would still love you. Yes maybe we would have shows in smaller venues, but you always said that you liked them more, that it gave you a better bond to your fans. Or maybe you’ll be the first bi-icon of country music here and you’ll explode. We don’t know what the future holds. But we know what you always looked for. We know why your eyes always wander around in a room. What if Tommy is that person that will always be here for you ?”

He can feel the tears sliding slowly down his face.

“How was that kiss, Evan?”

“It was like when I first played on my first guitar…” he says looking at his sister, silently pleading for her to understand what’s the significance of it is. And he sees on her face that she gets it. Like she always does.

“Let’s get your man”

It takes some time. They know where Tommy works easily enough but the tour is now in Canada and Tommy is all the way back to California, to Los Angeles where he works apparently for the Rams.

The fact that they’re away and can’t come back ends up working for them as Maddie put a plan together so Buck can talk to Tommy, and convince him for a second chance.

They’re finally hitting a two weeks break in the tour and they’re back in LA. Buck is looking outside to the game being played.

They’re close to the halftime and he’s getting ready. He knows Maddie is around there, texting Chimney consistently while her husband has the job of keeping Tommy focused on him and close to the playfield so he doesn’t try to run away when he realizes who’s singing.

Of course Chimney was made aware of their plans and it was only his love for romance that probably kept him from blurting it all out to Tommy already.

When the halftime is finally announced and they say that a surprise entertainment has been put together Buck leaves the room and goes outside to get on the stand they put together for him.

He knows where Chimney and Tommy are supposed to be. He knows exactly where to watch. And for the first time he’s scarred of what he’ll see if he let his eyes wander around to find Tommy.

But he still does it.

And here he is. Looking back at him.

Even from where Buck stands he can see how tense Tommy look, and he still drowns in his blue eyes.

He hears the music start and the years of training and experience make him act. He grabs his guitar and start to play.

This time when he says “he” it’s not a mistake.

This time when he says “he” it’s with intention.

This time when he says “he” he shouts it.

And he shouts it again. And again. And again.

His voice never wavers. His eyes barely blink, scared of missing any hints of Tommy’s reaction.

When he switches to a second song, a silly little song just to distract the crowd he sees Tommy moving his head a little. Like he did when he took care of Buck at the venues.

He always pretended to not like Buck’s songs. To not like music at all, but Buck saw him enough time mouthing the words of his songs to know it was just an act.

And when he starts the third song, he can see Tommy singing words for words. He only stumbles a little when Buck says “he” again and he smiles. He smiles at Tommy, and he shouts louder. And louder.

He.

He.

He.

The last notes are still resonating when he shouts a thank you to the crowd that applaud. This time he doesn’t care. The show wasn’t for them.

It was for him.

And he leaves the stand and he walks toward Tommy. He walks across half the field. It’s not what he’s supposed to do. It’s not how the artist is supposed to leave. He had an exit. The same that he used to enter the field.

But Maddie is supposed to have cleared that with them. He doesn’t really care to be honest.

Not now that he’s in front of Tommy and he sees Chimney walks quietly away.

“Hey”

“Hey,” answers Tommy, his face inscrutable.

“I’m so sorry,” says Buck, taking the few more steps that separate them. He can feel the heat from Tommy’s body now. “I’m so sorry,” he repeats.

“Evan”

“I made a mistake. It was ok, Tommy. It was so ok. The okayest”

Tommy huffs, his lips quirking up, “the okayest,uh?”

Buck nods, he’s not sure what he should say now. The plan was to sing for Tommy. To meet him again. To tell him that kiss wasn’t a mistake. That he liked it.

But now in front of Tommy, he feels his lips moving but no sounds leave them.

He doesn’t have to. Not when he feels Tommy fingers rub his jaw, retracing the same pattern they did after their kiss. He rubs his face on that hand like a cat, closing his eyes and then he feels it again. Tommy’s lips.

This time the world goes silent. It goes still. Only Tommy is here, Tommy and Buck.

And when they separate to breathe, the first sound he hears is the little exhale from Tommy and he vows to one day be able to recreate it through music. But now he just pulls Tommy closer to kiss him.

[hypnostouched]

Tell me about his insecurities and what is his idea of love

Insecurities? all of them From a physical standpoint i think Riko is insecure about his height - especially with TSC repeating again and again how important height is to an exy player. Riko is somewhere between 5'3 to 5'5 - standing on the same line as Kevin who is at least 6'. I've always liked to think that Tetsuji and ichirou are a fair bit taller than him too, that his mother was short and he takes after her. But he doesn't know that, because all he knows is that he is at a disadvantage due to his height and has to work through it. I think he would rely more on speed - which is why i draw him slimmer, too much bulk slows him down. shorter, quicker, able to move through gaps others cant. he'd hate neil for being the same height but faster and everything he's been aiming to be. I think thats part of why he forces him back into defence. He's also incredibly insecure about his dynamic with Kevin. He knows deep down that Kevin is better than him at Exy. (and better than him at academics, and dealing with people, and controlling his emotions, and many little things that dont matter as much as the exy) He knows the tattoos are wrong, and he knows Kevin is holding himself back. Riko is nothing if he's not the best, if he's not perfect, and all of this spills out as violence. Lashing out at Kevin for being better, lashing out at others to remind himself he's better than them. Riko isn't perfect. Nobody is. He can't stand it. Ofc his insecurities are exy based because theres nothing else in his life.

Love is. Belonging. Acceptance. Its something to attain, something to deserve, something to earn. His father looking at him even once would be love. Its proof that he's worth anything. Love is the praise he got when he was younger. love is the title of king that was given to him by the team he wasnt even part of yet. Sometimes tetsuji's corrections are love. sometimes they arent. He knows Tetsuji doesn't love him but the actions can be loving. The pain can be from love. Sometimes when Riko corrects Kevin its love. sometimes its not. It used to be, a lot of it now is just anger. Riko loves Kevin with gifts. he takes history because kevin asked. he lets him get away with distractions - his studies, the decorations, the books. He tried to give him Andrew. He gave him his number. Kevin loves Riko in ways that Riko can't understand. Kevin tries to protect Riko from pain that Riko has long since accepted and understood as necessary. love isnt real

[daffodilsonaprettystring]

I just had a thought about Buddie potential in S8: AND THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR 911 S7 FINALE SO DONT LOOK IF U HAVENT SEEN IT YET!!!!!!! (Which is funny cuz I still haven’t watched it but I’ve seen the clips relevant to this thought so. Eh.)

Let me just say right off the bat that I love Buddie, and would love to see them together, but I also really like Tevan and how happy Tommy makes Buck. So this speculation is not me wanting Buddie over Tevan or saying Tommy needs to go, because honestly the chance that we’ll actually get Buddie is still very slim so I’m just happy that Buck got confirmed bisexual and is living his best bisexual disaster life now!!

However, that said… So with Chris going away for a while Ryan said this leaves Eddie way more isolated than ever right? And Buck obviously is Eddies best friend, he’s been there for Eddie throughout this whole ordeal trying to help in any way he can.

Now based on the sheer amount of ✨drama✨ this show put on Eddie this season and the amount they USUALLY put on Buck (and suspiciously let him get off scott-free of this season) I can sooooooooo see this show taking the route of having Eddie do the cliche thing and realize or think he likes Buck once he doesn’t have Chris around to distract him from his ready-made-family fears, and once Buck and Tommy have broken up (I refuse to have Buddie start on a CHEATING ARC HELL NO especially not with bi buck they will NOT reinforce those stereotypes again) Eddie and Buck get together… and then Chris comes back.

Ohhhhhh I can sooooo see them MILKING that drama, because I just know they could have Chris be so angry at Eddie because what if this goes wrong and he loses Buck too? I feel like they’d totally take the road of Chris not being happy for them at first, not because his dad is dating a dude but because he’s dating BUCK, and Chris doesn’t know how to deal with that when he’s seen how his dads other relationships have ended, and he doesn’t want this to go badly and lose Buck in the process, because idc what anyone says Buck is someone extremely important to Chris just as much as Eddie, wether that be another dad figure or just his best friend. 911 is first and foremost a drama show, so I can totally see them taking this very dramatic route if they decide to make Buddie canon and break the internet.

[astroyongie]

Zerobaseone June Reading 2024

note: please take it lightly and have fun

Hanbin

love: he is still single at the moment and honestly things aren't the best for him. In January he was rejected. Yet he is stilç very conflicted. there’s this one person he also has a crush on but this person has been beefing with them? to a certain point. where their conversation is only arguments so it's kind of annoying him  

career: things are going okay for him, this comeback to come also helped him progress when it comes to his own artistic talents. i feel like Hanbin has been trying to expend more of himself. he wants to tour, to travel and to be friends with other people 

self: he is okay. his health seems to be okay and he is mentally strong as well despite the difficulty he has to manage his anxiety. he hasn't been worried much about things since he is taking a more positive perception on life overall thanks to his therapy 

Jiwoong

love: he is still dating the same person as before and things seem to be doing rather well. their relationships as expended and they are also trying to search for more depth. At the moment their partner is probably overseas tho. 

career: he is extremely frustrated with the comeback. mostly because he believes that the company hasn't put any light on him and he feels like he has been sabotaged or at least not as appreciated as the other members. his actions are also hasty which can cause some issues 

self: overall he still struggles a lot when it comes to his own feelings. everything that has happened to him as impacted him a lot and he still doesn't know how to deal with all of that 

Hao

love: ah! remember Hao was in love with someone and he thought that the person dont love them back. seems like he was wrong because from january to now they finally got into a relationship and things seem to be doing rather okay so far. 

career: career wise things are a little more complicated for rhim. he knows he has a lot of burdens whenever there are comeback preparations and lately he feels like he has too much on his shoulders. Hao understands that he needs to release pressure but he is scared of things 

self: mentally, it’s not the best. There's anxiety and some fears, but mostly I see Hao using unhealthy coping mechanisms in order to be able to survive through his days. 

Matthew

love: It seems like his relationship with his sponsorship has been cooling down and things are a little bit better to him. Matthew is currently searching for love, and he truly wishes to be closer to other people because he feels the need to be loved and needed 

career: things are complicated here. like his work is overall okay and he is happy with everything. it's just that matthew has such a hard time managing his anxiety and his stress when it comes to comebacks that he often will self isolate 

self: he has been spending a lot of time out whenever he can, in environments that sound like gatherings or parties because he needs to put his mind out from the everyday stress that the idol life brings him. He has quite a social circle.

Taerae

love: Not really much luck in his life. He is single at the moment and he isn't seeking for anyone since his heart is a little fragile since the past person he has liked. at the moment he is trying to make amends with his love life and reconcile himself with his feelings 

career: people might have a very negative opinion of Taerae (those who work with him). He has the type of personality that is very frontal and because of that, peoçel see him as someone cold hearted and even bitchy/asshole like. he doesn't seem to care about that 

self: there’s a lot happening in his life and he doesn't give himself time to process anything. instead Taerae is the type to just push forward and keep his mind focus on his work 

Ricky

love: single as well and not really focused on his love life to be honest. At the moment Ricky is focused on his career and on the money he is earning which for him, is the most essential thing. after his break up, it seems like he closes his heart

career: he has been self limiting himself a lot in this comeback. He wants his members to have some spotlight as well and he has been helping them, even if that means to put himself on the side. Ricky knows that he doesn't need to put much effort on himself due to his looks so he is trying to help his colleagues instead 

self: he is okay and he is actually enjoying his life. Ricky, like I said, has been spending a lot of his time with his members, creating strong friendships with them and learning from them and also bringing his own teaching and experiences. 

Gyuvin

love: he is still single and still super harsh on himself. Gyuvin believes that he is someone that can’t do things properly. the thing is, because of his demanosu and his way of being, the people around him also sem him as the typical “manipulative victim” which does not help him 

career: things seem to be doing well. Out of all the members, he probably has a great relationship with people he works with and with his members. Gyuvin will also be super communicative with his fans because that's something he loves to do 

self: the same harsh energy is seen in his self. Gyuvin has been the typical impulsive guy that gets angry easily. that can make him quite ruthless with his words but it seems like his close friends don't take it personally 

Gunwook

love: he is still single and still having the same attitudes that he had before (which means being a little bit impulsive and weird around feminine people which ends up scaring them). Gunwook isn't the most oblivious person ever 

career: i feel like this comeback that is being prepared has kind of taken a turn on him but he is holding on. What worries me is the co dependent relationship he has with his mother, a manager or a sponsor. 

self: his physical health seem to be a little bit more on the fragile side but he is also taking care of it already so he doesnt get sick midway through the comeback 

Yujin

love: Yujin isn't in a relationship anymore. The breakup has been very very complicated with him. He hasn't been getting any sleep lately, I feel his energy to be quite gloomy. there’s a lot of fear of benign alone, a lot of things he lied about and his inner turmoils that are killing him inside 

career: he is so scared of this comeback, mostly because he doesn't feel like he is enough for it compared to his teammates. he also feels jealous toward some members that have it “easier” than he does 

self: his physical health seems to be okay but the rest is quite challenging. his biggest enemy at the moment is himself which isn't easy to deal with everyday 

[just-a-mod]

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

if 9&10 were "dont wander off", and 11&12 were "the doctor lies", 13s rule #1 is "dont question me"

"have we not had a good time together" shes pointing yaz to the rule that yaz very well knows is there: we can travel if you dont ask me any difficult questions. yaz knows this is the rule - "because you ask too many questions", "this team structure isnt flat" - but she also was the one to invite the doctor into her home so im pretty sure she also knows shes not gonna kicked out that easily. she has some leeway. which she has been using between revolution and flux, which is why the doctor reminds her of the rules

i dont think she'd kick her out though. she wouldnt. i think it's just that the more you break the rule, the more unpleasant she becomes to be around, and eventually youre gonna walk out on your own. she doesnt want you to, she'd rather you stay and dont ask questions. but if youre gonna try to ask questions anyway, i think thats whats gonna happen

and yaz must think so too. because she does back off. because she doesnt want that to happen either. and it does anyway

[skunkes]

i have soooo much more i cld say abt him, and have explored more thru other doodles, but quick summary of talon's whole deal, which is subject to change still as he's only almost 2 yrs old as an oc

[bunnihearted]

lately i've been finding it so so hard to be positive and hopeful. and it's making me so bitter and hateful. i hate it but i dont know what to do about it

[myriadsystem]

Any lovely witchy friends out there have advice for reaching out to a deity?

[slutdge]

anyways my mom stole the spare key to my apartment and refuses to give it up because she wants to be able to "check on me" (come over, break in and harass me when i try to set a boundary with her) so i guess i gotta change my locks. again.

[warpolomewdarkmatter]

cumbersome and heavy body

[mxdotpng]

the progression of events in this arc is so so good and great and i love how you can just clearly see where and how each characters thoughts begin and progress throughout each chapter as it goes on. while steven was probably set in stone about his view on how to handle the situation i earnestly believe zed and zapp set out to disobey steven's request. and then they make it very easy to understand leo's point of view and why hes doing what he is - its why they show us that flashback and don't tell anyone else, and why he speaks very little after zapp threatens him - and then immediately cuts to klaus, who knows absolutely nothing about the situation currently but he can figure it out just by looking at whats in front of him. and because klaus is so unflinching when it comes to upholding what he believes is morally right he does so without anyone needing to tell him whats going on. he sees this percieved 'monster' protecting someone else and immediately goes to protect it, too. and even though a lot of them disagreed with each other at the beginning there is still the scene afterwards where they all come together to try and catch each other when they begin falling. i think nightow should pay me for what its done to my mental health

[ganondoodle]

sorry about that last rambling post, i didnt mean to sound like its worse than it may be, but i got no ... lense to view it through but my own, and the main reason i wrote it out anyway was bc i needed to get it out (even if posting it might be not the greatest idea) .. and bc it kinda showcases, i think, how my stories kinda write themselves, involuntarily in a way? its not like im not putting in any effort- but its like .. i cant STOP it always keeps going and even the dumbest idea stays in some form, its very hard to get everything in place bc theres so much going on all the while i am very slow at making anything, writing or drawing anything, especially anythign coherent is very hard bc not only do i get constantly distracted, i get distracted by my own thoughts suddendly skipping to a certain scene and me having to go throguh imagining in detail NO MATTER how many times i have done it before for the same scene that i already decided on how it goes, when theres a new idea it can take over my entire day bc i cant let go of it-

not trying to sound either like im the only that has that sort of problem, but i think its a big part as of why i start tso many projects without being able to finish them, or even start them bc i constantly have to fight my own thoughts from derailing into another daydream session, thinking of too much too fast than i can ever draw or even write about and not knowing what is worthwhile and what isnt (im telling you i have no idea what is good and what isnt, idk why but for all i know all things i do could be trash, or they all could be bad, maybe the one i thinnk is decent is actually worse than the things i deem not good enough and once i start to think no this isnt good enough i stop having fun making or thinking it bc im trying to do better

honestly its kind of impressive that i can get anything out at all, not to pat myself on the back there but even if i hate how long it takes me, considering how much im having to work just to start working on something at all, the fact that i could post stuff coherent enough for some people to understand AND LIKE is something i should be a little more proud of

[nerosdayinanime]

wait. random idea. Pathetic(blame candy) muzan & kokushibo are exes from Centuries ago and he has Complaints hed like to talk about w him but all hes getting to now is Nakime. hes so sick of his bullshit and just enduring it and goes to kagaya like 'i have to kill kibutsuji. ill help you kill him & the other upper moons just PLEASE im so sick of this shit. i need to kill him' 'well you arent killing me so ill give you the benefit of doubt-'

since they broke up he's hacked at the curse to the point he can snap it Whenever without muzan noticing, he finally did so & went to kagaya bc he can Feel shit's gonna pick up soon. he has his memories but he Ignores Them bc hes ashamed and kinda projecting it onto muzan. he has to kill muzan to kill his shame kinda fucked up coping mechanism yk?

the hashira try to kill him On Sight together but he calmly deflects everything while explaining hes working with them to kill kibutsuji. reluctant acceptance with the note from kagaya giving him a pass. most of them fully believe its a trap tho.

koku seeing tanjiro & his earrings and starting to approach, giyuu already has his blade lodged in his neck as a warning/threat & tanjiro staring at him in shock like 'HUH?? THE MAN FROM MY DREAMS?? HES A DEMON NOW? WAIT WHATS HE DOING HERE-'

[syrasenturi]

scribbly amphibbies

bonus christmas garfapillar

[doctorwhoisadhd]

hmm thinking about the idea of love songs. i think the idea of what a love song is that we have in our culture is inherently a little bit flawed because we have the idea that any song written about romantic feelings is a love song and im thinking thats not exactly true because there is a difference between "romance" and "love". what i'm saying is not that love is a broader category and applies to things that are not romantic in nature. this is in fact true, but it's not what makes the important distinction here. the true distinction between "romance" and "love" is that romance is a societally defined type of interest in another person, whereas love is, essentially, a promise that you make when you build a relationship.

as such, what i call "love" here might be better defined as "care", as that implies more time and effort, but that's a different suitcase to unpack and largely unimportant to my point here, which is more about the societal conventions of what we call love songs. the point is, relationships can be built with other people, yes, but also animals, places, organizations, ideas, so on and so on, whereas romance requires another person, hence the difference between the ideas of "romance" and "love".

with that in mind, there are two types of songs we in western, english speaking, society call "love songs":

1) songs that are about a person's romantic interest in someone that is either definitively known to be unrequited (existing monogamous relationship, sexuality that doesn't align, etc) or simply not requited (aka romantic interest being unknown); and

2) songs about an existing relationship (keeping in mind my points about relationships not just being with people, but also places, things, etcetera) as is.

(some examples of the latter category: mountaintop by relient k, which defines the relationship in question as non-romantic; or i miss my mum by cavetown, which is - as the title implies - a song about the singer missing their mother.)

now, the thing that makes distinguishing these two difficult is the fact that songs about an existing relationship CAN be about wanting certain aspects of that relationship to change. in these cases, determining that a song is one or the other will hinge either on a) authorial intent or b) whether the song is more about what the singer wants (thereby implying #1) or the lack thereof in that relationship (which would imply #2).

to get back to the subject at hand: the term "love song", as we think of it, is an umbrella term that include both of these two categories, and i think that perhaps it is reductive to do so. with that in mind, i think perhaps it would be more appropriate for "love song" to mean only the latter, whereas the former is a category of its own. WHICH is not to say that the two can't overlap — just that if a song is about a person with whom the singer has no relationship, it cannot be considered a love song due to the fact that it is a song about infatuation, not love.

(another interesting wrinkle this provides is the fact that a song might start out in the first category and, as the writer develops a relationship with a person, might move into the second category as they write more.)