#i dont want to reread it again because i might begin to hate it and end up just deleting it and i need to get it out here | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wishful-soda · 2 years

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OMG Before I start talking I just wanna say that I haven't disappeared I actually did leave comments about last chapter idk what happend to that but whatever hahahah moving on also this has spoilers sooo 😗

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE CHAPTER. FAVOURITE. And this is coming from a person that is very indecisive. Holy shit.. THANK YOU FOR GIVING US THIS BEAUTIFUL STORY. The emotions that I've felt during this chapter.. I LITERALLY CRIED.. This is SO SO perfectly written. They really evolved from the beginning. And I'm not talking just about the statement friends. I'm talking about them ACTUALLY talking.

“Will you tell me about them? Your parents?” - I ALMOST FUCKING CRIED 🥺🥺🥺

The way she didn't even hesitate to tell him her story. That's growth. We would never see her do this few chapters ago. But now it just shows how much charecter development she had. She actually wanted to tell him about it. The way she couldn't said what she wanted and Daniel took her on his lap 🥰🥰🥰 that movement was so cute, hugging her and giving her the courage to continue.. It was on of the moments were my insides were melting.

Daniels little speech how he's so proud of her 🥺🥺🥺 im bawling my eyes at this point

THIGH RIDING 🥵🥵🥵 YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW LONG I WAS WAITING FOR THIS. HOLY SHIT IT WAS 100× BETTER THAN I EVER IMAGINED. WELL DONE

"that he’s noticed you for much longer than just these past few months, longer than just this season" this what I was saying for a while now. This man knows a lot more about her than she thinks. I'm so glad that we are finally at that point where he can confirm it, say it, give her a compliment and and not act all stupid, not say it as I joke. Actually mean it, every single word.

“You’ve got me right in the palm of your hand and you don’t even know it…” ohhhhh he's soooooooo closeeee. Almost c'mon Daniel figured it out!!! You can do it!!!

So she rememebered saying to Max 'i think im falling in love with him' and she was waiting to feel panicky and horror because Max MIGHT POTENTIALLY know about them but she didnt felt panicky because she just kinda admitted that she is falling IN LOVE with HIM. Okay missy I see you.

I FUCKING KNEW IT!!! I FUCKING KNEW IT. I KNEW THAT DANIEL DOESNT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING WITH THAT ARTICLE. I've said this for last chaper and I'll say it again. I feel like Daniel wanted always to be her friend but then she was the one who started hating him and he was like better something then nothing so that's why he's been hating her. I feel like he doesn't really have any big reasons like she does. He was like if hating her, making fun of her, teasing her, making her life miserable means that I can be close to her then I'll take it. Better that than nothing. I feel this is exactly what happened.

“We did. Mutual hatred.” she just confirmed that they don't hate each other anymore. I don't think she even realized that 🤭 yes they said that they are friends but they never said that they dont hate each other anymore..

HOW COULD YOU END THE CHAPTER IN THAT I LITERALLY SCREAMED AND ITS 3AM I NEED TO KNOW.. I NEED NEXT CHAPTER ASAP... I SO DESPERATELY NEED TO KNOW WHY SHE SAID THAT (althought i might have hunch 😏)

Like I said this was SO PERFECT.. Loss of words honestly.. Also just wanted to say that I LOVED Max pov. That's something I didnt know I need it. i can't wait to reread it tomorrow and to come back if I noticed something new hahahaha. Thank you thank you thank you. I actually didn't expected this chapter to be published now and after the day we all had (looking at those mf from that team 😡) it was perfection. Hope you enjoyed my rant 😐🙃 lysm ❤❤❤❤

- introverted little bitch

Hi my dearest!!

I love hearing that it's your favorite chapter because it was one of my favorites to write!! I'm also so like...glad...that you cried? That sounds incredibly mean, but I don't mean it like that I promise!! I'm just so like...happy that my writing could invoke emotion like that? Y'know? I hope that makes sense and doesn't make me sound like a total bitch 😅

You're absolutely right, there's no way that she would have told him a few chapters ago. She would have been like 'fuck you gtfo' and resorted to being mean. I was a little worried that it was TOO cheesy and TOO soft and TOO over the top...? Maybe? I'm still worried I overdid it tbh.

I really loved writing his little speech about being proud of her, like honestly it felt genuine Daniel to me. I imagined how I'd feel being told similar things by Daniel and it made me feel like I was going to die so I ran with it.

I'M SO GLAD THE THIGH RIDING MET EXPECTATIONS BECAUSE I REWROTE IT SO MANY TIMES!!! AGGGHHH!!!

Also; YES bby. You 100% called it. He has paid attention to her all of this time because he's never actually hated her like she thought he has. How else is he supposed to respond to her hating him? Just ignore it? No way, he's going to play the game right back because like you said, it's better than nothing!

You're also onto something with the Max situation! She's not worried that it's true, she's just worried about others finding out!

PLEASE LET ME KNOW YOUR HUNCH. I live for the predictions. Seriously, please tell me!

I'm glad that you enjoyed the Max POV! It was so refreshing and fun to write, it felt like something new, flip the script y'know? I planned on doing it and kept forgetting and it just fit so well for this chapter I think. Like I could have written it from hers, but it felt so much better from his? Idk! I'm glad you liked it though!!

I ALWAYS enjoy your rants so please continue to send them in or send any asks at all because I love to hear from you 🥰 ILYSM!!!! ❤️❤️❤️ MUAH 😘😘😘

#sotd spoilers #speak of the devil spoilers

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bloodgulchblue-blog · 7 years

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In The Shade - a RvB fic

Grif can tell Sarge what they weren't doing parked in the shade for 2 hours.

Rating: M // Length: 2549 words // Pairing: Grimmons Tags: some sappiness, some nsfw, some angst, who knows where i was going with this one? not me!

“What were you doing parked in the shade for two hours?” “Well, I can tell you weren’t doing...”

"I'm stopping here, I need to catch my breath." Grif said, driving back behind a huge pillar of rock and into the shade it created. "You know, you have a really good arm with that stuff. I never would have thought you could hit that foot-shaped boulder with the dynamite. Where did you get that stuff anyway?" "Sarge keeps a large stash of it by his nightstand... I always thought it was kind of odd, but since I'm the only other one allowed in his room since he hates you and Donut can't even find his way around the fucking base, I can borrow some whenever I want to," Simmons was speaking with a matter-of-fact tone as he fidgeted with his helmet. He stopped as he finished his sentence to face Grif again. "Why does he hate you so much, anyway?" "Some people just make mistakes, I guess. I'm pretty awesome, so I mean, it's his loss." Grif was crossing his arms now, and Simmons narrowed his eyes behind his visor and sighed dismissively. "Yyyeah, nevermind, I remember why.. Okay. Anyways, I'm starting to get a bad feeling about parking here." Looking down at the floor of the jeep below him, he couldn't pinpoint what was making him feel weird. "What? Why? Simmons, don't tell me you miss Sarge that bad already, we've been gone like fifteen minutes." "Huh? No! Don't be stupid, it's the jeep, it sounds different." "Sounds different? Man, you're hearing things now. You're losing it for real." "No, I'm not." Simmons was losing patience for his orange-armored teammate. Though, honestly he had none to begin with. "Loosen up, Dimmons. We're just stopping for a little bit anyways." Grif was having none of it and slid down in his seat, putting his hands behind his head and closing his eyes. He fully intended to take a nap. "Wait, 'Dimmons'?" Simmons asked, unsure whether to even be offended. "Yeah, Dimmons. Like, dim. As in not bright. See? You didn't even catch something simple like that. Dimmons." The maroon-armored man just stared at him. "That is the dumbest thing you've ever come up with. It's almost impressive." he remarked. Grif didn't respond, just sunk lower in his seat. So the silence began. It had been about five minutes and all the sound there was was the low rumble of the Warthog; And five minutes of silence is a long fucking time in Blood Gulch. Simmons was fidgety from the feeling of anxiety regarding the Warthog, but Grif couldn't be more relaxed. Simmons looked around for something to do. His sight caught the dynamite again for a second, but he decided that wasn't the best idea. He briefly thought about how he wished Grif was even capable of having second thoughts like that. The Warthog shifted as Grif sat up some. "I'm bored." "Let's go back then. The jeep is being weird." "It's the same as it was ten minutes ago, Simmons. Just let it go," "I'm serious!" "You're always serious, could you take it easy for a while? Jeez, I should expect nothing less from the kiss-ass." Grif sneered. Simmons groaned. "Fine, but when something goes wrong- not if, when- you do not get to blame it on me. And I get to say I told you so." "Fine. Tightass."

Ten minutes went by. Vague conversation led to deeper questions and discussions about things going on in the Gulch. Simmons seemed way more into the discussion than Grif unless Grif was the one talking. It was actually sort of nice; It was refreshing compared to the constant ridiculous grumbling and bickering. They were both thinking it.

“So, what I’m saying is, honestly, who fuckin’ cares which side of the canyon we’re on, whichever color we’re wearing or anything like that?” Grif threw his hands up in a heated shrug, nearly knocking one into Simmons’s helmet. “Jesus... Yeah, I mean you’re right, it’s pretty goddamn stupid.Especially given that it’s a canyon, with no fucking merit to have control over anyway. Not to mention the fact that you’d do the same amount of not working on either side.” Simmons agreed, holding Grif’s hand away from his helmet. The orange tinted soldier pulled it away and shifted in his seat to face him more.”Dude, I don’t even know what you guys look like.” he stated with a voice of discontent. That clearly had been on his mind for a while. There was a pause.

“Take your helmet off.”

“What? No! Why? You take your helmet off!”

“Okay, fine. Show me yours, I’ll show you mine.”

“Don’t say it like that. Why would I do that? I’d probably die if I did.”

“Why would you die? Stop being a baby and take it off; Look, same time,” Grif put his hands on the sides of his helmet, ready to pull it off. Simmons knew Grif may be lazy, but that never stops him from being stubborn as hell when he wants something. He can be stubborn as hell about being lazy as hell. But right now, he wanted him... Wait, that sounded weird. Scratch that. Simmons caved.

“Fine, same time. God this is so fucking stupid.” he remarked, but his hands went up to his helmet anyways. “Ready?”

“Okay, one... Two... Three!” Grif counted down and Simmons pulled off his helmet. Only Simmons.

Grif hadn’t pulled hard enough to get it off the first time, and then stopped trying as he got... Distracted. Simmons’s tan skin and red hair are what he saw first, then his out-of-focus brown eyes, then, oh god, his freckles. Grif’s eyes were wide behind his visor, and suddenly his helmet was really hot. Simmons was just pissed off and embarrassed, glaring at him for fooling him into being the only one without his helmet. He reached over and put his hands on top of Grif’s on his helmet, ready to pull it off. “No, I’m not being the only one to do this, fuck you. Take that thing off, asshole. That’s not fair!” Simmons was pulling on the helmet, but from his angle it wasn’t exactly easy. Grif snapped out of it. “Okay, okay, fine, Jesus... Let go of me! I’m taking it off!” he knocked Simmons’s hands away and slid his helmet off of his head. His brown hair bounced down in a fluff. Simmons grabbed his glasses from where he’d put them in his armor and slid them onto his face.

Their eyes met, and there was silence. Simmons looked him over; His dark skin and the hazel eyes capturing him in an instant. Grif had a couple of tiny moles on his face, one under his left eye and one right above his jawline... It was cute, Simmons thought. Then he realized what he was thinking and now both of their faces were hot.

Staring at eachother was a strange experience. Both of them didn’t want to look away, but also didn’t want to seem weird. Not to mention now both of their cheeks were hot. It was getting to where they were aching to put their hands on the other’s face to closer examine it. Grif cleared his throat. “Uh. You wear... Glasses?” he asked, speaking up after what seemed like ages. That made Simmons look down and away a bit. “Yeah, my visor has the prescription I need though, so I only carry them around in case my visor cracks or something. I’m honestly surprised it hasn’t with you guys around. It’s good to be prepared.” he explained. Grif was amazed to finally put this voice to this face. Simmons thought the same. “So,” Simmons said, thought he started it and had no idea where he was going with it.

“Yeah. So. Uh, this is usually the part where I’d initiate truth or dare or something. If you were a girl.” Catching himself with that remark, it sounded more forced than ever. Are you kidding? Who knows how many years of sexual tension they had built up with their bickering and with Grif’s occasional gay remark, and how could we forget Grif’s calling Simmons gay. Of course he’d propose something as childish as that. Simmons knew something like that was coming eventually. He rolled his eyes, looking away from him and crossing his arms. “That’s the dumbest thing you could have said right now.” he said, not meeting his eyes. He looked troubled. Grif furrowed his eyebrows and looked at him, trying to see his face better again. “Uh, are you okay dude...?” he asked, kind of confused, but sounding more impatient as he wanted to see his face more and now the guy’s fuckin’ hiding it or something.

“Yeah, of course I’m fine? Why wouldn’t I be okay?” Simmons replied defensively. He seemed insecure about his appearance, though Grif had run into some hints towards that before. “Is this like... Like when you hide in the bathroom and cry, and then I go in there and the mirror’s all cracked up from you punching the shit out of your reflection?” he asked bluntly. Simmons tensed. Ouch. Grif sighed. “I don’t know why you do that. I think you look good, honestly. You know, for a dude.”

Simmons bit the inside of his cheek, looking back at Grif as he put his hand on his shoulder. Grif patted there, looking at him. “Cheer up, jackass. I mean, look at me. You could be this unlucky.” he said with a little laugh. “This is the only time I’ll admit you’re hotter than me. Hope you recorded that because I’m not saying it again.” Simmons’s face was hot again.

“Oh yeah. I got that on recording for sure.” he said, and Grif huffed.

“Good, then now you have something new to jerk off to when Sarge won’t tell you ‘Good work, Simmons!’“ he teased.

Simmons groaned. “God, you’re unbearable.”

Grif moved a little closer to him. “Hey, uh.” he had no control over the words that were leaving his mouth, they poured out like a waterfall pieced together from rash thoughts, “So, I mean, we’re alone, and I know you like what you see, and if I admit that so do I, do you think that maybe uh... We could do something about that?” he was looking at Simmons while he leaned kind of closer. Simmons’s eyes widened.

“What? Dude, and you call me gay all the time? That was gay. You want to do gay stuff with me?” he was in awe, taken aback by Grif’s proposition, but Grif took it as him shooting him down.

“Fine, okay, yeah, nevermind.”

“No,wait I uh. Okay, sure, I’m not really... Opposed. I guess. God, this is stupid.” his cheeks were burning, and he didn’t even know what Grif had in mind. Grif didn’t hesitate to take advantage of the yes before Simmons changed his mind, grabbing the ginger by the front of his armor and yanking him closer, kissing him immediately. God, they’d both forgotten what human contact felt like, and, well, Simmons never knew. Not kissing anyways. And definitely not more than that. Simmons was so tense that Grif broke away from the kiss to speak again.

“Dude, chill the fuck out, we’re the only two in the middle of this desert. Your secret is totally safe with me.” he said mockingly. A look of bewilderment crossed Simmons’s already distressed expression.

“What? My secret?! This was your idea!” he argued, and Grif of course ignored that completely and kissed him again, closing his eyes. Simmons couldn’t help but give in, allowing himself to, as Grif said it, ‘chill the fuck out’. He melted into the contact and his eyelids fell half shut. He leaned in slightly closer and put his hands on the sides of Grif’s face, then moved one to the orange soldier’s hair. This wasn’t happening, he thought, he’d wake up with a boner any minute now, he was pretty sure of it. Though, it just kept happening. It was still happening. Still. It’s really happening. Oh god, he thought, this is really happening and I have no idea how it works. Simmons grew tense again and Grif just moved his hands to wrap around Simmons’s middle and pull him closer. Simmons broke away and opened his eyes, looking at Grif, who then also opened his eyes.

“Are you okay?” Grif asked him, not trying to overstep any weird boundaries with him or something... Boundaries were something Simmons had a lot of, many of which Grif overstepped on a daily basis. But these would be in a whole new category.

“Yes I’m... I just don’t really, uh. Know how to do this.” he admitted, though he was aware that this was common knowledge.

“You’re doing fine, just-” Grif was interrupted by the Warthog sputtering under them and promptly falling out of commission completely. “Oh, god damn it. You have got to be kidding me.”

Simmons’s eyes grey wide and he moved back from Grif, though he stayed in his arms how he was being held. “I knew it! I knew there was something wrong with the jeep and you didn’t believe me, and now it’s dead! We’re dead!” he yelled in his usual panicked voice that came out when anything went wrong. Grif held onto him tighter. “It’s. Fine. Jesus, Simmons, you’d think by now you’d learn how to let something go but here we are, in the middle of sharing a fuckin’ moment, and you’re intent on yelling about something that doesn’t matter.”

“It does, matter, Grif! A lot!” he was this close to jumping out of the car and running back on his own, but something was keeping him from that. And it wasn’t the fact that Grif had a hold on him like he was the last person on the planet. It was the fact that it was Grif, and that we was in this situation. With him. “It’s... Fine, it’ll be... Okay...” he slowly calmed down, resting back to where he was before.

“Thank Christ... Uh, so where were we?”

“Don’t say it like that.”

A while later, and I mean a while, they arrived back to the others. They had a few more marks under their armor than they did going in, and under their helmets they wore wide, knowing grins. They both knew it’d be back to normal soon, though. Approaching them was none other than Sarge.

“Grif, Simmons, where’ve you two been?”

Simmons straightened up. “Our patrol didn’t go exactly as planned, Sarge.”

Yeah, I’ll say, Grif thought with a dumb smirk on his now chapped lips.

Sarge furrowed his brows beneath his visor and was paying closer attention now. “Did you find something? Wait a minute, where’s the jeep?”

Grif took a breath. This was gonna be interesting to explain away. “Yeeeah, it’s like this.”

#red versus blue #red vs blue #rvb #grif #simmons #grimmons #rvb fanfic #this might be inconsistent #i dont want to reread it again because i might begin to hate it and end up just deleting it and i need to get it out here #i forgot about it for a bit actually

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spicyfloaty · 4 years

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Give & Take | Chapter 4

pairing: kacchako

genre: slowburn/fluff

words: 2.4k

summary: Ochako's grades are slipping. Bakugo is dangerously nearing suspension, or worse, expulsion. A certain twist of fate pairs them together for tutoring sessions. He teaches her math. She keeps him from getting suspended. A simple exchange, but what if this only brings them closer than necessary?

header credits: @alexbenedetto

[READ ON AO3]

Chapter Three

Chapter Four: Bakugo’s Fingers

If you told Ochako that her first tutoring session with Bakugo Katsuki was going to be as dead silent as it was right now, she would have laughed and thought you were crazy. A scenario she had been playing over and over again in her head consisted of flipped tables, burning paper, and repetitive yelling. She had expected all of these and more, but Bakugo just loved to prove people wrong, didn't he?

She could have heard the tiny footsteps of an ant, if anything, she bets that she could have counted its breaths in this deafening silence. In all honesty, she’d much rather have Bakugo say absolutely anything if it meant that he would at least talk and give her something to work with. She felt as though she had been having a discussion with a brick wall for the past 20 minutes, given that the brick wall plopped himself on the other side of the room, chin cupped in one hand, looking out a window completely uninterested.

Ochako looks down at the bulk of text on her book and begins to read it out loud. She modulates her voice just right, properly enunciating each term to give off an air of confidence around her even though in reality, her head could hardly keep up with what she was saying, “So basically this means that I should...factor it out?” She asks.

The air of confidence she had while reading almost instantly diffuses after trying to make sense out of what she just read using her own words. She hated the way she sounded so unsure with every concept but asking these kinds of questions out loud was the only way she could get some kind of affirmation that Bakugo was still in the same room as her.

He grunts, not even bothering to look at her. This sound usually meant that she got it right...or wrong, she wasn’t sure, she still had a ways to go in decoding this new language Bakugo had introduced her, he was really fluent in I don’t care. Ochako resists the urge to ask him if he was even listening to her because if there was anything she would dislike more than the painstaking silence, it would be a screaming match with Bakugo. Then again, at least he’d have to say something if that were the case.

She sighs, then proceeds to read the next few paragraphs. The tone of confidence in her voice falters as each topic she comes across becomes exceedingly harder to comprehend, “This means um,” she quickly rereads the last portion to make sure she has it right, “I factor it again?” Ochako looks up at him hoping for some kind of reaction this time. Unfortunately, the view from that window was still ten times more interesting to him compared to this conversation, if you could even call it that.

“No.” Bakugo says flatly. She waits for an explanation that should usually follow that kind of response, but to nobody’s surprise, it never comes. Ochako almost throws her hands up in frustration, but instead, she just rests her forehead on the palms of her hands. She knew that massaging her temples won’t resolve the steady decline of her patience, but she goes ahead and does it anyways. This way, the not-so-proper things she’d like to say to him right now, bouncing off the walls of her mind, won’t cause an unwanted migraine.

She lifts her head to sneak a glance at the blonde mess that was the back of Bakugo’s head, what goes on in that mind of his, Ochako will never know. She thinks back to Aizawa discussing his situation and how these sessions were quite literally the only chance he has of not being suspended, or if worse comes to worst, expelled. Bakugo’s behavior so far surely wasn’t that of someone who cared about any of that, but one thing’s for sure, he’s here, which meant that he did care. Well, at least to some degree.

Bakugo might think that all he had to do was show up for this agreement of theirs to be fair game, but Ochako couldn’t just let herself be used as his one-way ticket out of trouble when she’s sitting here wasting her time not learning anything.

“Bakugo,” she starts, and for the first time, he actually looks at her, but only for him to glare at her as if saying his name, let alone, speaking to him directly were a mortal sin. Ochako feels herself shrink under the intensity of his gaze, but she doesn’t back down. She wanted his attention, she’s got it right now.

“I don’t think this is working.” she says this in the gentlest way she could possibly put it, her heart rate races as though she was getting ready to poke a sleeping dragon with a wooden stick. One might say that she already did.

“What?” Bakugo snarls. Oh, the dragon was definitely awake now.

Ochako chooses her next words carefully, but she just stumbles over them with nonexistent grace, “I um, I don’t think I can learn just by,” she struggles to find the words to describe the ineffective mess they were doing, “this.” Great job, Ochako.

Bakugo’s eyebrows knit together so closely she’s surprised they don’t start knitting sweaters, “And why the hell not?”

Ochako decides that she’s gonna have to be more specific if she wants to get her point across, even if it means increasing her chances of getting barbequed by flaming hot dragon breath, “It’s almost been an hour and you haven’t said anything to help me understand any of this yet.”

She tries to cushion the slight harshness of her words with a soft expression, but this doesn’t stop Bakugo from narrowing his eyes into slits. He might as well have had trails of smoke fuming from his nostrils judging by the look of disgust on his face, “I don’t know what gave you the idea to talk to me like that, but you shouldn’t”

The point must have missed Bakugo’s head and flown straight out the window along with the rest of the restraint Ochako had been using up until this very second, “You can’t just expect me to not say anything when you’re supposed to be helping me with this,” she dares rival his intense stare with her own, “and I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re not.”

Bakugo grimaces, his scowl sinking deeper into his face as he shifts his whole body in his desk to fully face her, “Listen, round face, I dont know know what the fuck your problem is, but things were going just fine before you chose to complain about it.”

“Fine?” She almost laughs, “You think me talking to myself is fine?” Ochako doesn’t normally raise her voice to anyone, she had always considered herself to be someone who could stay calm and collected in any given situation no matter how stressful it was, but there’s something about him that makes her blood boil to temperatures that would make Endeavor jealous.

“Who says I have to say anything for you to learn something?”

Ochako wasn’t proud of it. Maybe it was all the stress and pent up frustration from her job, her studies, hell, maybe both, that finally snapped the last thread of patience keeping her composed and rational, “Ugh! Why do you have to be so difficult?”

She sends her eraser flying towards Bakugo, but without even flinching, Bakugo catches it before it hits his face, the corner of his mouth lifts to give her a shit eating grin, “Wanna try that again, round face?” He tosses the piece of rubber back and she catches it just in time before it reaches the floor.

Ochako takes a mental step back to close her eyes, taking a few deep breaths to calm herself down before they spend the rest of the hour bickering, and before she runs out of stationery as ammunition, “Don’t you think it would be best if you actually explain these concepts rather than just having me read these over and over again?”

Bakugo lifts an eyebrow, “You got some kind of problem with reading?”

She releases the tightening grip she had on her eraser, she knew better than to do that again since it won’t even have the chance to crash land on where she wanted it to, “No! I--god, how do I put this, it's just that,” She gestures towards her textbook, “I’m not getting anything.”

“Why?” He asks as if she just told him that she didn’t know how to count to ten. Ochako decides that she didn’t want to argue anymore, she had already exhausted enough energy from just trying to make herself make sense to Bakugo and resisting the occasional urge to throw an entire desk at him. The last one took every single cell in her body not to do.

“I don't know, okay?” She exhales, “I’ve already tried reading all of this stuff on my own, I wouldn’t be here if I could understand it just from that.” She attempts to give him the most earnest look her face can muster, “So can you please just try and help me out here?”

Ochako momentarily catches a flicker of surprise in Bakugo’s eyes, maybe she looked a bit too earnest, just before his face twists into another scowl as he turns away to direct his attention to the wall. Bakugo’s eyes seemed to dart everywhere except her direction, but after a few moments of contemplation, he throws his arms up in frustration, “Fuck, fine!”

She expected him to pull out his own textbook from his bag, but nothing could have prepared Ochako for Bakugo making his way towards the other side of the room until he was right in front of her. He grips the corner of her desk with one hand and flips her text book to face him with the other. Red eyes peek at her from behind the blonde strands of hair that fell on top of them as he offers her his free hand.

Wait, is he asking me to hold his hand?

“Your pen, idiot.” He spits.

“Oh! Right, yeah, um here you go.” He was right, she was an idiot. Ochako hands him her pen and the brief contact of their fingers only add to the heat spreading like wildfire from her neck to her cheeks.

He pulls a chair from the table behind him and sits down, “Tell me what you need help with.” he grumbles. Ochako still couldn’t bring herself to string a single sentence due to the sudden change in proximity, not to mention the fact that they were also sharing a table that wasn’t exactly meant to accommodate two people.

She flips to a couple of pages back and points to an especially complicated part of the lesson. Bakugo takes a moment to read the entirety of the text, underlining a few words and phrases here and there as he goes through each page. Ochako didn’t know what to do while he was doing this, she can’t exactly read along with him since she’d be reading upside down. Instead, she quietly watches Bakugo, his eyebrows slightly furrowed, lips occasionally parting as he muttered parts of the paragraphs. She wondered if this was what he always looked like whenever he was studying with his friends or alone in his room back at the dorms.

“You done being a creep?” He suddenly asks, his eyes still fixated on her book.

Her eyes widened as she quickly looked for something else to look at, “Yes--no! I mean, no I wasn’t being a creep.” Her eyes find the ceiling. It amazed her how she could find 30 different ways to embarrass herself in front of a single person within the span of a few minutes.

“Sure.” he mutters flatly, eyes still glued on her textbook.

Bakugo finishes reading and turns the textbook again so she could see the things he had underlined along with the short notes he wrote beside some of the paragraphs. He begins to go over each concept and Ochako had to actively slide her finger along each sentence because of how fast he was going. Despite the ridiculous speed that he was explaining in, she manages to successfully keep up, the difficult terminologies and formulas slowly but surely begin to make sense, each cog in her head finally coming together for her to actually understand the examples shown after each concept.

Bakugo hands her back her pen, “Your turn.”

Ochako doesn’t miss the feeling of their fingers touching again when she takes it. This happens a few more times as she answers a set of questions in an exercise, both of them taking turns writing down solutions to each one. After the fifth time, yes she counted, she asks, “Did you bring your own pen?”

Bakugo’s eyes settle on hers once more, a familiar scowl painting his face, “You got a problem with me using this one?” He retorts. She debates on whether it was a good idea telling him that his fingers were distracting her, phrasing, Ochako, but she ultimately decides against it for obvious reasons.

“Nevermind.”

One problem in particular had her stumped for a couple of minutes and it takes all the little Ochako’s in her head to figure out how to approach it. She had been scribbling down the beginning of a solution when she feels a pair of eyes linger on her for a suspicious amount of time. It’s only when Bakugo’s staring hits the 2 minute mark that she says, “You done being a creep?” She grins, not taking her eyes off the page.

“Tch, you wish.” She didn’t have to be looking at him to know that he rolled his eyes at the remark.

An alarm goes off from Ochako’s phone, signaling the end of their session. She had miraculously gotten half of the questions right this time which was a huge improvement considering that she couldn’t even get one right before. She was about to thank Bakugo when he suddenly sprang up from his seat, hastily grabbing his bag from the other side of the classroom. He glances her way one last time before wordlessly exiting the room, leaving Ochako alone with her own thoughts that seemed to only revolve around the warm feeling of Bakugo’s fingers on hers.

#kacchako #kacchako fic #kacchako fanfiction #kacchako fluff #kacchako slowburn #kacchako week #kacchako week 2020 #bakuraka #bakuraka week #bakugou katsuki #katsuki bakugo #bakugo x uraraka #mha ochako #urakara ochako #bnha #bnha fanfiction #mha #ao3 #ao3 kacchako

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rayshippouuchiha · 5 years

Text

So first of all, I just want u to know that I adore and regularly reread everything you have ever written. I lurk on ur blog to regularly enjoy that Good Content because ur sense of humor meshes with mine, and u regularly produce god tier content like naruto doesn’t gender good and team uzumaki. And then, today, what do I see but u beginning to take an interest in what has easily stayed among the top ranks of my favorite anime since oh, about 2010? For someone as flight as me, that’s saying something. KHR is fascinating, some anons have already talked about who the concept of flames open up absolutely incredible potential for worldbuilding, and oh has the fandom taken the concept and run with it, to marvelous results. But what first made me fall in love with the manga was the characters.

When I first started KHR I actually dropped the series because the daily life arc really showed that it started out as a gag manga, and Reborn was like? A dick? And then I came back and actually watched the whole series, and saw the main character grow and develop as a person (ps the last couple chapters dont exist in my heart) and Reborn became more than that asshole who was tormenting the main character in the name of training. Because when I thought about it, Reborn is the World’s Greatest Hitman (not a spoiler, not when that’s literally how he introduces himself and its in the title) aka the best hired killer in the world so, realistically, Tsuna started as just a job to him. He needed to mold him into what his job demanded of him, and he would do so, whether the kid liked it or not. Gotta keep that record spotless, after all. And then, over time, this weak, cowardly kid, who thinks he’s useless and has completely given up on himself, refuses to really try at anything, starts to grow up. Into a kid whose still weak, and still cowardly, but is also so incredibly brave. Who is determined to do the right thing no matter how much it scares him, who only wants his friends and family to be happy, who, one day, stands up to Reborn for Reborn, even though he’s trembling and stuttering and probably certain he’s going to die for talking back to his devil tutor… and u can see in those soulless black eyes that, however u want to interpret it (parental or something else) the World’s Greatest Hitman, someone with oceans of blood on his hands who has closed himself off to any form of human connection, would absolutely die for this kid. Or more likely, kill for him. Of course, he’s still going to train him within an inch of his life, but that’s just who he is. Really, the entire cast has that “I would ride or die for Tsuna in a heartbeat” thing going on by the end.

semi-spoilers but not really ahead, really just super vague descriptions of the main cast that doesnt actually tell you anything of substance

—————–

From the hot-headed but insecure Storm who takes his life too lightly, the cheerful and seemingly oblivious Rain that sees far more than he lets on and has a cold sharp center he knows better than to let anyone see, the energetic and determined Sun who just wants to protect his family, the battle-hungry Cloud that might be violent but still respects those that prove worthy of it, the dual Mists with similarly shitty childhoods that handled it in different ways, the child Lightning sent on a mission to kill the greatest hitman (why? that’s up to how dark u want to go)… And that’s only the beginning. There are so many characters and I fell in love (or hate) with all of them. There isn’t a single one I feel apathetic towards, which is amazing considering the massive cast.

————————

Ur going to have to post once you’ve actually been through the series, because I desperately want to yell about it when I dont have to censor myself. I have so, so many fic recs for this fandom.

Rereading this, I just realized how much I typed. Sorry bout that. A little OOC considering the thought of sneding so much as a casual “ur really cool” to one of my writing idols is enough to send me into fits of anxiety but well. I guess that’s just the magic of something u love, huh. Anyway, ur really cool, lets never talk about this again, adios, ciao, enjoy your life, take care, etc. Uh, bye.

#KHR #I love this level of love and enthusiasm #you're a doll and thank you so much for the love #and the info cause hot damn i really do need this shit in my life #submission

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trenchcoatkitten · 4 years

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So I’ve been reading Temperature of the Heart, and you’ve mentioned how you have the whole thing written already. Can you describe what that’s like? What’s your writing process? How long does it take for you to write everything start to finish? Do you plan it all out or just kind of wing it? How long do you sit in an idea before you start?? Sorry about all the questions, I’m just so curious >_

bro!!! are you sure i will scream about writing for days omg

first of all THANK YOU its so freaking cool that you came to ask your questions and that you like my writing, im still sort of getting used to my writing not just being garbage that i read in the dark at 2am and never share with anybody, and i am always excited to answer questions waaaah

(THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG I APOLOGIZE IM PUTTING A READING BREAK IN CAUSE I WENT OFF BRO, IM THE WOOOOORST)

my process is pretty weird, it’s kind of all over the place? I’m kind of a halfway planner halfway pantser. I have an idea and usually make some disjointed notes about character and the main idea, in my phone or maybe on a google doc, and then a pinterest board maybe? Something to get excited about, a visualization. I ALWAYS tell myself im going to make an outline first and then i ALWAYS just jump right into writing because I’m too excited/impatient to wait. give me words on a page. give me dialogue.

Usually when I’m a little bit into the project, when i know that I’m not going to abandon it to the depths off where my WIPs go to die (rip like literally over 300 individual and unique works, this is NOT an exaggeration, you should see my document bank its gross) Ill say “ok fuck you sami its time to actually know where you’re going” and I’ll sit down and make the grossest outline you have EVER seen. like im talking, my outlines are littered with memes, me yelling at myself, actual stuff thats going to end up in the final project, and just general random garbage? its so gross. Ive literally only showed one of my outlines to one person ever (hi akira!) bc im super self conscious of them and hate the way that i write them. making an outline usually sucks up an entire day of writing. they’re pages and pages because some parts will be INCREDIBLY specific and other parts will be so vague you dont even know

From there, when im done with my garbage outline, (after going back through what I’ve written and fixing the shit that was just me going off like a psycho) I usually start writing in earnest. I’ll highlight the parts of the outline that I’ve done and I’ll go back and check it often to make sure im following through on my plans and the character arcs and such, making sure that everything ties in and such. This section is me like. every day getting home from work or whatever and sitting down at the computer and not moving until 2am, this is the section where i forget to eat and I dont sleep enough and i forget to drink water or take my vitamins and I do word sprints with myself and have days where I write 10 thousand words in one sitting. (very not healthy and also terrible i do NOT recommend) this is the section where I’ll handwrite anything i can in the back of classes and at rehearsals because im pouring out words.

during this section I go back and edit ENDLESSLY. i cannot write something and just let it be. I go back to the section I wrote the night before, I go back to the section I just wrote, i go back to the very beginning. I generally dont have to do 1st 2nd 3rd draft this way, but it is much more time consuming as Im just writing. i dont know if i reccommend this its a MESS

THeN once i finish writing the whole thing, i sit down and reread/edit the whole thing once through. this makes sure i have good flow, the paragraphs go together well, the prose feels right to me, timelines make sense. during this time i make ENDLESS paper notes with calendars, section notes, additions, drabbles, thoughts about my own shit. i have notebooks full of just garbage. im not kidding. full notebooks.

Once I finish that read/edit through I’m usually happy. only once something is completely finished will I consider posting. I go back too much, I add shit, I can’t let go of shit, not until it’s done. While I’m posting - I go through the chapter I’m going to post with a fine tooth comb, try to catch any tiny little mistake, add words here and there, but never change anything large if I can help it. Then i format it on Ao3 (this is literal hell, fuck the HTML editor it wants me to die) and then post it. Deciding to post a chapter to actually hitting ‘post’ usually takes me 1-4 hours, depending on the length, the difficulty of formatting, and how many goddamn links i wanna put in the chapter notes cause im the worst~ (insert jean ralphio voice)

~~~

LISTEN im probably super extra but I’ve been writing since I was in sixth grade (thats twelve years! time is an enigma and i hate it!) and so I have a bit of practice, i have a bit of experience and while I’m not the best me that I can be, I KNOW myself, and this is just what works best for me.

As for timing - it depends on the length of the project and how motivated I am. It took me about a month to write Royal (~50k), just a little over a month to write All Might’s All Night Shop Stop (~75k), and just about two months to write Temperature of the Heart (~115k). I try to post every few days, because as a person I hate waiting and I don’t want to do that to my readers!

~~~

As for the ‘how long do i sit on an idea before writing it’ it really depends. Some things I will receive inspiration or a sliver of an idea and start writing it in the next ten minutes, even if I have to stop working on something I’m already working on, because that was Brain Has Decided. Sometimes I will consider an idea for like. months before actually doing it. I’ve had the idea for FBoW (the newest thing im working on oops? have i told anybody about this NO cause that will make it REAL) since before I started Royal, which was like. Last november. But I just couldnt quite do it for some reason, and it wasn’t pressing. My brain is super broken, and a lot of times I get sick over ideas. I can’t sleep or eat until I’ve written, and I will repeat phrases to myself until i can get them out of my head by writing them down. (Sometimes this is something nice or poetic - “The golden hour lights up the whole world, wiggling its fingers into every nook and cranny, lighting up two people lounging on a bench-swing, someone leaned onto porch stairs with a mug of tea, the space between those walking down a dirt road, a couple of dogs laid out on the deck.” and other times its literally “Ranch Fiddlesticks.” I’m not kidding. i have a note in my phone that says ranch fiddlesticks because I was actually going to Die if i didnt write it down.)

I do wish my brain didn’t do this - but I guess it makes some fun art, doesn’t it?

WOW OKAY THIS WAS SO LONG im so sorry jesus christ. SOrry i will ALWAYS go off about my process and what it’s like to write. Writing is so so important to me, I LOVE it with every tiny atom of my weak, alcohol-infused, overworked heart. Despite how scary it is sometimes I am very glad to be sharing my work with the world, seeing peoples’ reactions and hearing things about my words, hearing how this little picture in my mind has gone into yours.

okay jfc im done now im so sorry. thank you again and again and again, a thousand times over, for reading my work and enjoying the worlds that i enjoy building. It makes me feel like I’m worth it. It makes me feel like I’m doing something good.

ily :’)

#my writing #dont open this unless you're ready #its like 1.5k words long #I WENT OFF #i have so many feelings ok #i have so so so many feelings #thank you so much for sending me an ask #i love you nonny #sami answers

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inevitably-johnlocked · 6 years

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I'm a bit embarrassed to ask this. Have you ever read a fic that, stylistically, it's beautiful, linguistically it's tight, and it's obvious the author poured their whole self into constructing the plot, crafting the world, and nailing down the characterizations, but... You just don't get it? Like, perhaps there's some insight you're missing, and it's almost there, you think maybe you're close to getting what the author is trying to portray, but you just can't make the connection necessary?

(Embarrassed nonny continued) You even reread to make sure you didn’t skip anything, but it’s like it just seems that something missing? Or that you’re the one missing something vital? So you go to the comments to see if anyone else is confused, but all you see are lovely, supportive compliments about how beautiful the story is (and it is), or how heartwrenching it is (usually so). But you seem to be the only one not getting it?

(Embarrassed nonny cont. again) Is it destructive to let the author know that I think a story is beautiful in it’s telling, but that I don’t quite understand it? I don’t want to offend the author, who has clearly worked very hard, and I appreciate them so much. But, I want to understand the story they’re telling, even if I’m the only one not getting it. If that even makes any sense. P.S.- thanks for always taking time to listen to fandom woes and fielding requests. You’re a champion! ❤

Hi Nonny!

First of all, there’s nothing for you to be embarrassed about! Stories are partly about authorial intent, and partly about reader interpretation; no two people will interpret a story the same, and no author SHOULD expect a reader to interpret their story exactly as the author intended. SHERLOCK is a perfect example of this (the writers SAY they meant it to be one thing and literally the ENTIRE FANDOM is divided on what’s actually being shown on screen), or if you want to be more classical, the works of Shakespeare as well.

In fact, Shakespeare is a perfect example of your problem: I love Shakespeare: it’s beautifully written, it sounds lovely to the ear, and it invokes imagery based on how someone interprets it. But I sure as heck have NO idea what I read until someone explained it to me, or how I SHOULD have interpreted it (which, is oxymoronic to my point, I know…). Only after I hear how someone else interpreted the work, I can then RE-READ a work and begin to understand what was meant by it, and then develop my own interpretations.

I’ve read a few fics by a couple authors in this fandom where I LOVED their writing, but I had NO idea what was happening until I re-read the fics… it’s a reading comprehension thing with me, I’m sure (my brain tends to move a bit quicker than I can read and talk, and in turn it also tends to wander when my eyes aren’t going fast enough, LOL), but a lot of times, if I just read a fic a second time I can then grasp the words my brain omitted the first time and then really enjoy and love the fic. I hate that about me, but that’s how my brain works… Perhaps it may be the same with your brain? If a fic is well written and you enjoyed it but just had some comprehension issues, perhaps a second read-through will help you as it has done with me :)

So, now to answer your question: if after reading a fic, and you don’t understand it, is it okay to ask the authorial intent of the story? Unfortunately, there is no yes-or-no answer to this question, Lovely, as every author is different. Personally – and this is just for me speaking, and what I would do or what I would not mind if I were the author – I think it’s alright, so long as you are respectful to them! Dig around their user pages and you can often find ways to interact with the author outside of their fics, or information about whether or not they want to read criticism etc. on their stories. If an author doesn’t want any interaction, they’ll be very clear about it, but most authors have ways to get in touch with them, so to ME that’s a saying “hey, if you have any questions, here’s how to get a hold of me!”.

If they have a Tumblr with asks turned on, you can even do it like you have done for me here; write exactly what you mentioned, just tweak a few things: Mention how much you love their prose and their storytelling, and you can really feel how much love they put into the story. You found it interesting, though you’re unclear on a few parts. Ask them kindly how they intended for an audience to read it. Many creators appreciate honesty when talking about their works, so just be honest and say that you didn’t understand something and wouldn’t mind a bit of clarification about something. They can’t fault you for not understanding something, and if they do, well… I find that rather ableist, in my opinion: That’s like telling someone with dyslexia to just stop mixing up letters, or someone who’s native language isn’t English to just learn one of the most complex languages in the world with so many structure rules that make no sense half the time…. *shrugs* It’s harsh of me to say, I am sorry about that, writers, but reading comprehension doesn’t come easily for everyone.

ANYWAY, back to my point: An author, so long as you are respectful (and maybe peppering in some compliments and praise never hurts either… a lot of us creative-types have praise kinks) and don’t throw a backhanded compliment (like don’t say: “Your work is so amazing! Though I think you should make it easier for people to understand it, your words are too complex”), they will be more than happy to write out their intent for the story. Let them know it’s YOU who’s not understanding (so, “I have trouble understanding this part” as opposed to “you should make this work easier to read for everyone”… make the onus on YOU). DON’T be demanding (like, don’t say something that can be interpreted as “it’s YOUR responsibility to cater to MY need to understand”), and be patient for a reply.

You can see why this isn’t an easy yes-or-no answer, LOL.

Essentially, kindness begets kindness, and respect begets respect. And – this isn’t an attack on you personally with regards to this ask, because I know my audience are adorably shy beans – it might be a show of good faith and intentions to stay off anon when you ask your question; it shows the author that you aren’t being malicious, just simply a smol bean who loves stories and want to learn more about theirs. BUT, it IS okay to stay on-anon if you are shy / worried about not the author but other people interpreting it the wrong way, just make sure you tailor your question to the author in a respectful way that it comes across as respect. Perhaps something like this:

Hi, [author]! I really love your story, [story title]! It’s well-written and I can really tell how much you love this story and how much soul you put into it. I just had a question for you with regards to [name concern here]. [state question here]. I have trouble sometimes with [reading comprehension, English/language, dyslexia, etc.], and I would love to know what your ideas and thought process was for [character, plot point, situation, etc.]. Understanding what the author intended really helps me enjoy the stories even more than I already did, and your thoughts would be really helpful for when I re-read your story! Thank you so much for your time, and thank you for blessing us with this beautiful story!

Or something like that, LOL. And if you genuinely aren’t a native-language speaker, let them know that it’s not your first language so you’re just honestly not grasping a colloquialism that’s common in English but not in, say, German. It’s more common than you think! I’ve had people ask me in private before about a phrase I’ve written or about how they should interpret a meta of mine; I’ve never taken insult upon it, and in fact I love helping people understand my work so that they can enjoy other peoples’ content in the future.

As an additional thought I just had, I think a good example of fandom-understanding-authors is, actually, the @johnlockficclub; every couple months or so we read new stories, and then at the end of the story, we ask authors our questions about their intent of the stories, and in turn the author gets an interesting (I hope) insight into how various people interpreted their stories. Even during the live-chats leading up to the author q-and-a, we all see how we each interpreted certain sections of the chapters we read that week, and see various viewpoints we never considered. So I think that is a wonderful way to see authorial intent vs. reader interpretation, and as far as I know, all the authors we’ve “interviewed” loved just getting that kind of feedback for their stories. You should join in on at least the author interviews just to see how they go and give you some ideas on how an author will take feedback. It’s so fascinating to me!

Just a fun little anecdote that oftentimes, it is a positive experience for an author because most of them love to talk about their stories – their stories are their children, and they care deeply for them, because it’s a part of them, and it’s an expression of their love. They WANT you to understand and enjoy their work. It’s a cyclical thing: if you understand their children so you can love them too, then they will love their fanbase and will want to continue to write since they received feedback that was validating to them that they produce work that people enjoy and want to know more about.

Finally, I’d love for some authors to weigh in on their thoughts about this; would you be offended if someone loved your story but would want your clarification on some things, or want to know how you intended for the audience to perceive it? Please let us know!

Sorry this answer was so long, but I hope it helps!

P.S. Aww, you’re far too kind, Nonny! me. XD

#steph replies #my advice #fan fiction #authorial intent vs reader interpretation #my thoughts #Anonymous

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closetcasefabray · 6 years

Text

ccf rereads loso /11

i honestly was looking forward to this all day. home, smoke, loso! LEZGO!

chapter 20: choose your battles wisely

But, truth be told? Lexa is here because here is where Clarke is. Even if they took the radio to Polis, she would be so distracted by responsibilities she might have no time to spend with Clarke. Here, in TonDC, Indra and Anya are well able to manage things. So Lexa can lie with Clarke, and touch her, and speak to her, and right now with her help attempt to beat Wells in this confusing strategy game.

it’s like a clexa staycation & i live for those (relatively) quiet moments between the two

Raven is standing on the other side of Anya fiddling with several pieces of metal, oblivious to Anya’s annoyance about her closeness.

[internal squealing]

“This game is most confusing,” she says innocuously, and watches as he falls for her assumed air of innocence.

“I know,” Wells assures her, moving his queen to take the pawn without looking closely, too focused on reassurance to double-check his play. “It took me years to -”

“Checkmate,” Lexa says serenely, moving her own queen.

lol wells. you fell for that like when your dad didn’t have a clue lexa was being extra af & faking a limp in disguise

She looks at Clarke, who is glowing with pleasure at watching Lexa interact with her friends.

same, clarke. same.

It is likely she will have to start from the very beginning, teaching Clarke stances and how to distribute her weight. / Lexa hopes this will require a lot of hands-on instruction.

same but damn lexa is def taking advantage of this second chance thing

The Skaikru are… not impressive, to Lexa, in the beginning at least.

i laugh then imagine myself trying & remember my body hurts regularly & jesus id be such a mess.

With some added muscle, Clarke will be formidable indeed, and Lexa glows with pride at her accomplished lover. It is a shame the presence of others means she cannot express this pride as she would like to, but later in the tent set aside for Lexa she will come up with a reason to ‘confer’ extensively with the Skaikru leader.

y’all are thirsty af & octavia is prob rolling her eyes out of her head & scoffing

There is Clarke, there, right there, in reaching distance – Clarke who knows her as no one else ever has, who knows all of her and understands all of her as even Costia could not. (Because Costia lived in the light, but her death brought darkness to Lexa, which makes her wonder if Costia could have loved this version of the Commander as much as she loved the first one). Clarke who sees this, who knows it, who has been wounded by Lexa’s duty before, but nevertheless looks at her with that impossible warmth in her Skai eyes. A Skai girl, fallen from the stars for her.

fuck. me. up.

Clarke’s gaze is overly warm. Perhaps Lexa’s staring had been a little too admiring. Lexa clears her throat and attempts to sound normal (judging by Anya’s snort, she does not entirely succeed), and says, “Of course, Clarke. Come this way?”

between anya, raven, & octavia, it’d be close but i think anya would win for best clexa roast

perhaps??? you probably never looked softer ya dumb nerd.

They are barely inside before Clarke presses against her and kisses her thoroughly. “Thank you for the training,” she says, moving so that her arms are around Lexa, so that they are entwined perfectly, so that they are one being.

[By] Titus's standards, Lexa is weak. She knows this. But she is blessed, and knows this even more.

i am blessed by this fic. i can feel lexa’s fucking happiness & joy in seeing clarke again & falling in love with her again over & over & it’s incredible.

(also all the clexa sex. they deserve 47294472925 orgasms.)

chapter 21: a failure to communicate

- finn’s a fuckboy & i dont actively hate him in this but generally roll my eyes at his mediocre existence at this point

- so i love how dramatic lincoln & o’s call out is. but outting clexa to wells wasn’t cool. at the same time, i get why O is being so reactionary. poor wells “lost” his bro for being a fuckboy AND his best friend he loves in like a few days.

“You know?” Clarke says harshly. “What do you know? You know I saved Lincoln’s life by caring for him when you threw a knife into him. You know I made deals with the Grounders to keep us alive. You know I helped Raven when she fell from the Ark. What you know, is that I have done nothing but good for our people. Have I saved everyone? No. Have I done my best with what I know? Yes. So you can either shof op, or go float yourself, Octavia.”

this is justified. good clarke. you’re doing great bb. i would’ve def gotten everyone killed by now.

chapter 22: weakness is my strength

Wells walks across the square. He pauses to stare at Lexa for a long moment, unhappiness etched into his face, then turns with a shake of his head to stalk away.

Lexa frowns, and barely avoids a blow to her head.

“Sloppy,” Anya says calmly, though she also has registered the Skai boy’s brief expression. Lexa can tell by her furrowed brow.

like wells. i love you. but wellarke was never gonna happen bro.

also awwwww lexa & anya care about those skai goufas.

“Well done,” Anya gasps, reaching a hand to her head and wincing. “We may make a warrior of you yet, yongon,” she says jokingly. Anya’s sense of humour has always been mocking quips, and Lexa is well accustomed to her deadpan delivery of these.

i want a scene of raven being like “omg you’d be such a great comedian!” & anya is just like “???” & omg raven would make a podcast & you know jasper & monty would have a comedy hour or some shit. & anya would never admit to enjoying comedy but raven def catches her laughing at one point & NEVER LETS HER FORGET IT

- wells’ approval of clexa is what i needed

She moves to lean against Lexa, resting her head on Lexa’s shoulder. Lexa smooths her hair back and kisses her head lightly, even this small affectionate touch making her heart speed up a little.

my heart eXPLODES

i want all the clexa tenderness bottled for me to consume on the daily

But then, her years as Commander have also taught her not to trust anyone. They have taught her to remove threats immediately, any threats. They have taught her love is weakness. All her instincts scream at her not to be here, not to have the warmth of Clarke at her side, not to allow the squeeze of emotion she feels whenever she sees Clarke.

[crying] sh-she just be-becomes so s-soft w-with c-clarke. s-so weak f-for her 😭

“And even if I had decided following that path was best, I do not think I could have waited for so many weeks to see you again.”

Clarke smiles, the worry in her face easing. “What happened to ‘it takes as long as it takes’?”

“Sometimes it takes too long,” Lexa says solemnly, though a smile betrays her. “Truly, Clarke, I did not feel as if I could breathe properly in this new world until I saw you again. And even then, even then it hurt to see you, for Finn was next to you and I did not know if I had lost you.”

“I’m the one who nearly lost you,” Clarke says fiercely, taking her hand so that their fingers are intertwined, clasped together in Clarke’s lap.

this entire conversation is stunning. it’s so earnest & honest & difficult & important. the showrunners would never even know where to begin writing something like this

“I’m glad you came for me so soon,” Clarke says softly, pulling away only an inch to say it. Lexa can feel Clarke’s breath against her. “Any longer would have been too long for me as well.”

“Ai hodnes, ai kwelnes,” Lexa whispers. “I could never stay away.”

“my love, my weakness”

#ccf rereads loso #fic: loso #fic: lightning only strikes once #clexa

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oppressiveliberator · 6 years

Note

What are things Ghetsis likes to do in his spare time? Does he have anything in particular that he really enjoys doing that most wouldn’t know about? (Like. Knitting or some hobby type thing like that.)

Hobbies, huh. . . .

Ghetsis is a very goal-oriented person. Back when he was Plasma Boss and all, he wasn't really one for many hobbies--he certainly enjoyed doing things in his free time now and then, but by the time he'd adopted N, he was putting most of his free time into Plasma and advancing his goals and such.

But like I said, he did enjoy things now and then!

((snip snip unless you’re on mobile in which case as always I am sorry--maybe i should start putting these into multiple posts instead of singular big ones? lmao

Also brief mentions of I think abuse, Pokémon abuse, torture?? i don’t think there was anything else triggering in there but i’m also too lazy to reread it lmao))

Ghetsis loves to read. He most enjoys nonfiction--true crime, history, religion, culture, Pokémon, human psychology, science, world news; Ghetsis really loves just about anything that can teach him something new. He's all about doing lots and lots of research, too, and he's actually well versed in old languages, too, especially old Unovan. He made a cypher for translating(and even taught Zinzolin how to read it a bit! In fact, Zinzolin is the one who has the Old Unovan linguistic work he's done atm because he can't let go of his boyfriend's old things) But he also likes a good fiction novel--crime, historic, alternate history, adventure, thriller, horror. . .he's picky about fantasy and science fiction and romance, but he'll read them now and then too.

While he's not really that into it, he does watch a lot of TV lately. He has days where he's pretty much immobile, so something he can just lie down and watch is nice to at least keep him from just sleeping all day. His taste in TV and movies is pretty similar to his taste in books. However, he's not much of a TV person and it's more something he just kind of accepts as what he 'has to' do nowadays. Sometimes he just. Doesn't have the energy to turn pages in a book. But entertainment is always better than boredom.

In his current state, Ghetsis doesn't really do much daydreaming or quiet contemplation, because ultimately it leads to a heavy slew of negative thoughts and emotions and makes him feel terrible. But in the past, he spent much of his time thinking about the world, plotting, planning. Lately if he does anything it's daydream or dissociate but. The latter isn't really, y'know, a hobby or something he really wants to do.

Music! Is one of his highest interests!! The Harmonia family is a very musical and artistic one, so he was surrounded by music and taught to sing and play instruments since he was in diapers. He doesn't think of himself as being able to play instruments nowadays. . .even though he still played now and then when he lost most usage of his arm, so long as it obviously didn't really require both hands or a need for both could be worked around. At present he's more into listening to music than anything--and his tastes are far more variant than you'd expect, as he's able to find some enjoyment in most any genre. He's started to sing more lately, too, although since his voice is often poor, he hates to do it and have to hear how terrible he sounds. But after Bede told him not to be discouraged over it and that some practice would surely restore his voice to its former glory, he's been singing to himself a bit more in an attempt to get his vocal chords back in decent condition.

(The unexpected part of this is when you find him singing old pop songs. . . . . . . .)

Ghetsis is, despite being antisocial as far as his personality/mindset/comfort levels, actually quite outgoing and enjoys people's company and talking to them, watching them. He loves social events and crowds and being around people--although he also hates it because, well, everyone is below him and the world around them is usually disgusting. But he quite likes company, especially from interesting and intelligent people, and he's playfully flirtatious too. While he prefers to do the talking and teaching, he's not against listening if somebody catches his attention and, again, Ghetsis has an insatiable desire for knowledge. Oh and socializing doesn't always have to be positive, either! He l o v e s to harass his protags. He likes to disturb people and make them afraid and uncomfortable and upset. He'd probably be an internet troll now and then if he bothered with internet socializing.

(Also, Ghetsis fucks to survive is a hedonist. So having people around means getting laid when he wants to. And how can he say no to being attended to and having his body worshipped and pleasured? To the power that comes with controlling someone else's pleasure, making their whole body respond with a mere touch, sometimes even less?)

As of late he also quite enjoys taking walks when he can--and while he's still beginning to accept it, he has started taking his wheelchair out(though, not in the regular world, only in the magic plane he’s hiding on) if he can't do his own walking and just enjoying the world outside. He. . .misses it.

He actually is very well travelled and he loves travelling, visiting new places, learning new things in person, going on expeditions and to archaeological sites and ruins and historic places. . .! Up until BW he travelled a good amount and enjoyed the bounties and interests his the world had to offer, practical or not. He likes himself a good time and experiences. Of course it lessened when he acquired his kids, especially N. And nowadays he hardly even leaves the house, let alone the region, though with the way his magic hideaway works(rather, doesn't work) he can wind up travelling by accident simply because it isn't stable enough not to move around.

And, of course there's magic. Ghetsis habitually draws little magic circles and things here and there, little spells to store magic or discourage nightmares or encourage remembering things. If he's idly tracing something on a table that's probably why. If he's idly tracing something on a person, that's probably why--in particular, he'd 'bless' N with safety when he went outside, or put magic on him that would ideally 'lock' his mind somewhat so he wasn't influenced by the outside world and had his plans ruined. Ghetsis does rituals every now and then(there used to be some cultish stuff in Team Plasma. . .maybe. . .but rituals aren't necessarily cultish, just like regularly done things) and magical cleanses, protection for his own spaces, charging the crystals and things he has around, and practices little bits of magic here and there just so he knows he can still do it. Now and then he tries to learn or develop new magic, but he's really not in the best condition for good magic usage. It certainly doesn't stop him but, y'know, tries to keep playing with fire to a minimum lest he burn his house down.

Of course, these are mostly things he does at present. . .with the strokes and the weakness in his body and the problems with his cognition and mind in general. . .his options are lessened in his opinion. His depression and lessened will to live make it hard for him to do even those things--let alone some of the things he used to do.

Sports are among the things he'd done in the past--namely basketball(just kinda happens when you're over 6ft tall.) He gave his old ball to N to teach him to play, but back then he could still play, one arm or not. Nowadays he has trouble even sitting up let along standing, running, and he's still accepting that he needs a wheelchair now and then when he can't get around so easily himself, so wheelchair basketball isn't something he'd even consider trying. Playing basketball? Tennis? Hell, any sport? He can't even consider it. He hates watching sports now. Whereas he used to love to do so because he could watch Unovan teams VS other regions and feel proud and cheer for Unova and so on, but now he can't stand it because it makes him think of how he used to be.

One of the things he did a lot up until the end of BWB2W2, was, of course, train his Pokémon, care for them, sometimes even play with them. They needed exercise and enrichment, and keeping them in fighting and killing shape was a high priority, both for enjoyment/entertainment and for the sake of having strong Pokémon. But now his Pokémon are all gone. . .and he resents all Pokémon for it and his hostility towards them all has increased. If anything at present, he takes even greater delight in hurting Pokémon than he had in the past.

Public speaking, debating, evangelizing, convincing people of Plasma's ways, giving and writing speeches was also a hobby he enjoyed. Usually, however, he winged his speeches, simply spoke from his cunning heart. Of course, if he tried to do something like that today. . .well, someone would call interpol and it'd be a whole thing. . .he does talk to himself a even more than he used to now, but it's not the same.

Punishing and teaching Plasma's members and anyone they decided to. . .host for a while, so they could learn the truths and come to know Team Plasma's might and perspective. . .being able to torment captives, seeing the hope leave somebody's eyes, god. He misses power. He misses victims. He misses taking out his frustrations on somebody locked in his dungeons, beating them and spitting on them and showing them how above them he was, torturing them--. . .expressing his power, he never really gets to do it anymore. . . . Harming others. . .even less. . .and what power, authority, strength does he have to at present anyways. . . . .

Training members of Plasma and their Pokémon, using the Pokémon they'd liberated for various behind the scenes work like building the castle, abusing people and Pokémon alike, really he found such bliss in it. Yes, it was something he kept quite quiet about or explained away until Neo Plasma--after all, nobody knew of his plans and intentions until he was defeated--but that didn't mean he didn't enjoy it.

Unexpected things. . .hm. he's pretty adventurous so I'm sure he's tried lots of things, but ultimately discarded them as things to do often for one reason or another. Knitting he can't see himself doing, one hand and all.

When N was younger, he actually took care of the human dolls and toys he gave him, since n mostly cared about the pokémon ones and was neglectful towards the human ones. Which was what was intended! But it irked Ghetsis's sense of perfectionism to see them all messed up, so he'd do their hair and dress them and so on just so they were in order and not a messy pile in the corner.

Ghetsis liked visiting dig sites and such, but he also enjoyed personally going on expeditions now and then too! He'd been planning one to the Abyssal Ruins for some time, but it never came to fruition. . . .

Since he was so well researched and did lots of discovering things himself, he’s written academic papers and things of that nature too. Spreading his knowledge is always great.

Sciences piqued his interests sometimes, although that may not be a surprise. It's probably even less of a surprise that he was interested in experimentation on people and Pokémon--he was usually eager to let Colress do as he pleased as a result.

OH RIGHT ALSO! COLLECTING STUFF!! In particular things relating to or supposedly relating to legendary and mythical Pokémon and extinct ones too and history/legends and other unique things--stuff like feathers from legendary birds or orbs or gems said to strengthen or summon them and stuff like that. . .! He has a raw keystone, but he's not super aware of what it is since Mega Evos only really have recently come into common knowledge and he wasn’t in Kalos to learn about that in particular at the time, so he just thinks it's a cool kalosian rock with a strong life energy.

Tbh idk about any unexpected hobbies for him. . .tbf i also have like. No hobbies of my own. So this is kind of a hard question for me because doing things in your spare time??? I can't even bring myself to do things when o have to do them! Lmao.

He's abandoned a lot of his hobbies and interests. It kinda comes with being old and disabled and depressed and losing your will to live. He's feeling a bit better as of the start of the blog recent--so he's getting a bit active again, but. . .he's still not used to being "incapable" and it gets between him and doing anything for fun.

But hopefully this answer satisfied! And if not, if you're curious about anything in particular, send another ask my way!!

#long post #Anonymous | If It Hasn't Learned Your Name You'd Better Kill It Before They See It #Asks | The Truth Won’t Save You Now #History | Who’d Ever Dream A Child As Sweet As I Seemed Would Be The Source Of So Much Pain And Strife #Headcanon | The Horror That He Brings The Horror Of His Sting The Unholiest Of Kings #((thank you very much for the ask❣))

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wigglywormy · 7 years

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Kiribaku | Stupid Jeans [submission]

Just a quick Kiribaku tickle drabble because I’ll probably die when the scene where Bakugou laughs for the first time ever gets animated. It’s SFW so don’t worry! Lots of cursing though lmao. (Worm, you’re the super bestest tickle blogger I’ve ever met and you’re making my BNHA tickle fantasies come to life every day so thank you for that. I’ve been following your blog for like?? A year now? I keep deleting my blogs but I always read up on your posts whenever I have the chance. Also your writing really really inspires me!! I love you lots okay!!)

worm’s notes: AHHH DUDE THANK U SO MUCH FOR SUBMITTING THIS TO ME!!! it’s super cute holy shit ive reread it like 4 times i love it!!!!!!!! <333 if you ever write any more tickle fics please dont be afraid to submit ‘em to me, or link them to me if u post it! :D (and thank you omg, im so glad my writing can inspire you!)

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Stupid. Fucking. Jeans.

Bakugou stood in the middle of his dorm room, trying to pry off the skin-tight jeans that his pro-hero teacher forced him into the other day. He couldn’t get them off yesterday, so he gave up and just slept in them. But now the circulation was being cut off from his ankles, and he hated the feeling of the belt pressing against his middle. It pinched whenever he bent over or tried to move his legs at all, really. It made using his quirk far too difficult. He needed to get these things off. Frustrated, he growled as he tugged at the pant legs, which were seemingly stuck around his brawny thighs. He went from frustrated to infuriated, throwing his head back in anguish.

“FUCK THIS!!” He shouted at the top of his lungs, stomping furiously into the floorboards. Alas, the pants felt like they were growing tighter. He couldn’t stand it. A wavering aura of sadism washed over his expression.

“I’ll burn these fuckers off before I even try to pull them off. I’m never wearing these again.” He grumbled angrily to himself, small pops of explosions crackling in the palms of his hands. Just when he was about to explode his actual leg off, there was a knock at his door.

“Get lost.” He barked, realizing how ridiculous he looked. Hunched over, with pants half-way down his legs, one hand sizzling in preparation for attack. Of course, that was his usual way of greeting people at the door, so whomever it was, ignored his warning and walked in anyway. A bit to his relief, it was just Kirishima.

“What are you yelling about now? I heard you all the way at the end of the hallway.” The red-haired boy said, kicking off his shoes and shutting the door behind him. Before Bakugou could reply, Kirishima caught sight of the other. The two had just started dating; probably a few months ago. Bakugou was used to him seeing him undressed, but this time, it was slightly more embarrassing. “Wh-?” Kirishima began to ask, before immediately bursting into a fit of rowdy laughter. He doubled over, howling.

“What the heck?! You- You look so-!” He gasped for air between each bellow of laughter, causing his knees to grow weak. He leaned against the wall, clutching his stomach. “I can’t breathe!”

Bakugou erupted into anger. Nothing pissed him off more than the sound of someone laughing at him. “Shut up!” He hissed. “Make yourself useful and help me get these things off.”

He struggled once more, beginning to rip at the seams desperately. Catching his breath, Kirishima swiped a tear away from his eye. “Sure, sure. Just calm down, will ya?”

“I’M COMPLETELY CALM.” Bakugou screeched, his palms crackling a bit louder. Kirishima shielded his face, frowning slightly.

“No, you’re not. Just relax. We’ll get these off of you, okay?”

Bakugou actually began to take a deep breath, before huffing it out exasperatingly. “Fine. Hurry up.” He looked back at the door. “And lock that door. If anyone sees this, I’ll have to murder them. And then murder you.”

Kirishima laughed at his feisty boyfriend, ensuring the door was locked before strolling back over to him, pointing to the bed.

“Lay down. It’ll be easier if your legs aren’t bent or holding your weight up.” Grunting, Bakugou obliged. Kirishima took a hold of the jeans, more towards his lower calf, tugging with all of his might. But Bakugou came with him. He gripped the sheets to keep from sliding off of the mattress, grunting again. Kirishima expected him to start cursing him out, but it seemed he was actually willing to work together on this. Bakugou pulled his leg back, trying to at least slide his heel through the tight hole, but it didn’t work. He threw his head back into the pillow, huffing.

“DAMMIT!” He punched the mattress. “I’M GONNA DESTROYYYY THESE JEANS!” His palms began to flare up, but his boyfriend took his hand gently. “Breathe, Katsuki. We got this.”

Bakugou took another shaky breath. It was rare Kirishima used his first name, but it at least proved to him that he was trying to be serious, despite how absurd the scene looked.

“Lets try again.” Bakugou muttered, guiding Kirishima’s hand to the top of the pants, which were still scrunched around his thighs. Kirishima blushed, looking away sheepishly. It’s not like he hasn’t been this close to him before; it just still made him nervous.

“O-Okay.” He hooked his fingers into the belt loops, tugging at them yet again. “Pull harder!” Bakugou ordered, leaning back more, trying to slip his legs out the opposide direction. Kirishima put more oomph into it, but the belt loop snapped, and Kirishima stumbled back a little bit. Bakugou huffed again, sitting upright. “Get the scissors.” He rasped through clenched teeth, digging his fingernails into the palms of his hands.

Kirishima rubbed the back of his neck. “Are you sure? I think Best Jeanist will be angry if he finds out you cut up his jeans.”

“Whatever. He can just make more.” Bakugou grumbled. “Like I care, anyway.” He glowered at the floor, hissing under his breath, “Why did it have to be skinny jeans?”

“Why don’t you try wiggling out of them?” Kirishima said suddenly, his face lighting up.

“I’ve tried everything!” Bakugou barked. “They’re not budging. I’m done with this shit.

“Wiggle more, then!”

“What?”

“C’mon, wiggle, like this,” Kirishima did a ridiculous jig with his legs. Bakugou only glared, his eyebrow twitching slightly. Kirishima sighed, placing his hands on his hips.

“I’ll help you.” He said, a teasing smirk lingering on his face. He reached down and pinched Bakugou’s hip. The blonde jerked back, his breath hitching in his throat. “Don’t.” He snarled, one hand gripping Kirishima’s wrist firmly.

“Don’t what?” Kirishima grinned, pinching his hip again with his free hand. “Don’t tell me you’re ticklish.”

A pause. “I’m not.”

Kirishima only laughed. “You are! That’s perfect. That’ll get you out of these jeans in no time.”

Bakugou scoffed, smoke seeping from his palms. “I will melt you into a puddle, Kirishima. Don’t fucking touch me.”

“Too late!” Kirishima cooed, activating his hardening quirk, but leaving his hands soft, as he began to dig into Bakugou’s side. The blonde yelped, trying to kick him away, but with his legs stuck in those stupid jeans, he could hardly move. The ticklish sensation shot throughout his sides, and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying his best not to smile or laugh at all. He bit the inside of his cheek, tasting blood in a matter of seconds.

“G-Get off of me!” He hollered, a grin tugging at his lips. Kirishima tickled up his sides, crawling underneath Bakugou’s arms. Bakugou snickered, trembling slightly.

“But you have to wiggle, Katsuki. It’s the only way to get these jeans off!” His damn teasing voice caused Bakugou’s face to turn red, a full smile on his face at this rate.

“Stop-” He snickered again, “Not there-” Those last words were almost whispered, before he started cackling. “S-STOP!”

“But it’s working!” Kirishima pushed his boyfriend back onto the bed, drilling his thumbs into the hollows of Bakugou’s hips. The poor blonde began to laugh helplessly, still pushing at Kirishima’s shoulders. His body was much heavier while hardened, making it challenging to force him away. Bakugou was beyond pissed off, though you couldn’t tell with him laughing as hard as he was.

“I-I’m gonna k-kill you-!” Bakugou choked between laughs, kicking his legs again. To his surprise, he felt the jeans begin to slip off a little. He couldn’t believe this was working.

“Your laugh is so cute, Katsuki. Why don’t you laugh more? It’ll help with your anger issues, I’m sure.”

“SHUT! UP!” Bakugou bellowed, his hands crackling as he shoved Kirishima’s shoulders again, without much avail. Kirishima scratched at Bakugou’s stomach as he watched the other struggle with amusement. “You’re ticklish everywhere, aren’t you?”

Bakugou couldn’t even bring himself to retort. He curled his legs up into his chest, heaving with laughter. His laugh was raspy and loud, occasionally transitioning to a high-pitched chortle. Each helpless giggle squeezed Kirishima’s heart, but it only made him want to tickle him longer. Even if the jeans slide off, he wanted to hear his laugh until the end of time. As the two rolled and struggled, the jeans slid off a little more, inch by inch, until one leg finally popped free.

“Hey, look!” Kirishima beamed, but continued to tickle his boyfriend under his arms again. “It’s working!”

Bakugou pressed his foot against Kirishima’s hardened hip, thrusting as hard as he could.

“I SAID STOP-!” He howled, melting into a pile of giggles for a split second, before returning to his regular, explosion-ridden fury. “K-KIRISHIMA!” Kirishima laughed along with him. “I like your red underwear, by the way. Remind you of anyone?”

That was it.

Bakugou sent a small blast into the air, scorching one of their posters right off of the wall. “CUT IT OUT! I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE!”

Kirishima finally backed off, his hands in the air pensively. “Holy shit, babe.” He breathed, hoping the wall hadn’t caught on fire. Luckily, the only thing harmed was a bit of paint on the wall. And, well, his All Might poster, which was now smithereens on the carpet. “We’re gonna get in trouble for that.”

Bakugou shot up, still out of breath. “You’re the one tickling me, asshole!” Kirishima smiled. “Yeah, tell that to Mr. Aizawa when he inevitably asks about the commotion.”

“I will!”

“You will not.”

“I WILL TOO, KIRISHIMA. SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

“So you’re gonna openly admit being ticklish to our teacher? Who will definitely add that to your hero database? Then everyone will know your secret weakness?”

Bakugou pressed the palms of his hands into his face, shouting into them. “GET. OUT.”

“Nah.” Kirishima brushed off some of the burned poster off his leg, yanking the other pant leg off of Bakugou. He tossed the jeans into the trash can, leaning back on the bed.

“You’re welcome.” Kirishima chuckled, patting Bakugou’s leg. The blonde had finally calmed down, and was laying back on the mattress as well, his eyes closed.

“I hate you. I hope you know that. I’m going to kill you in your sleep tonight.” He draped his arm across his face, before smiling just a tiny bit.

“I love you too, Katsuki.” Kirishima replied after a moment. He curled up beneath Bakugou’s arm, humming contently. The two lay in silence for the rest of the evening, not even paying attention to the knocks at the door from neighboring dorm mates, wondering what the explosion and yelling was about. Bakugou was actually calm for once, but would never admit the reason being from releasing his stress through laughter. But at least the torment was over for now, and that’s all that mattered to him. Just as much as the boy under his arm mattered to him.

[Thank you again for letting me submit this!! I hope you like it!!]

#submission #kiribaku #bnha #tickling

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witchofspades · 7 years

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Team Wishful Crown Update!

Thanks to Mia I’ve been thinking alot about reviving Wishful Crown somehow, even though it’ll take a lot of editing old content to remove airs trash characters

All the info i can think of under the cut.

Fortunately for me, Air’s characters show up in very few of the actual comics, so editing them out where necessary is much less difficult than I expected Unfortunately, air insisted to write a lot of the stories that I wanted to comic, so that’s unfortunately a problem that will have to be fixed in some method of backtracking, retconning or rewriting/replacing which will be the largest share of work. First and most importantly. I’m gonna be editing out Kal through all the comics with a new version of him, who’s gonna be a Kirlia and some of the dialogue will change to fit the story better (Since the whole “I’m stuck with Saroja for the rest of my life” shit was wierd and toxic in all kinds of ways) Saroja will be switched out with another Kirlia because I dont feel like making the switch between species, though i might anyway, depending on how many times she appears in the comics and how relevant her species actually is in the scheme of things. She also will not be New-Kal’s love interest so I’ll have to figure that out too. I’m also retconning everything and anything to do with Narcissus, Jezebel, Teagan, Samehk, Acacia, that other girl-frog, Bubblegum boys, and that sister team i can’t even remember anything about. (Thank god honestly they were a waste of time and didn’t do much to tell what I needed to about Astra) They will either be edited out or replaced by throw-away characters, or new relationships that I’m gonna RP to bring around. (Still can’t promise that Astra will get along with everyone but there’s more space for that kind of thing now) Also, if you had any relations to Kalaghata or Saroja, then the new versions, are unfortunately gonna be throwing that info out too. (Aka if any of the stories includes your characters I’m gonna have to start from the beginning with relation development regarding those two because there’s a lot of stuff going on there that I either dont know about or it doesn’t fit anymore.) I’m sorry if you had something going on with the character in my comics, (fortunately i dont think there were many), I have to ask you to contact me and talk it out. Astra’s relationships will stay roughly the same, but i dont remember much. Not totally sure yet what im gonna do about Ig but I have half the mind to get rid of him if I can’t figure out some kind of redemption arc for him. (Air gave me rights to his character right before i cut off relations with her, so he’s mine now and i can do whatever I want with him.) For Kalstra shippers who got yelled at for shipping them, I apologize for any hurt feelings and stuff like that, I personally kind of liked that ship but I couldn’t show it myself, and if others were to say it, it impacted the plot’s progress due to reasons I’d rather not say in the concern that someone might try to rat me out and i honestly dont want a shitstorm at this point. Again, that’s not an excuse, but it’s worth noting if it helps anyone reconcile with what i did and if not i understand. Um...what else...After Geoda im going to make some transitional chapters towards having Astra move to a new place. Either ToT’s world, or a self-designed one similar to Tao Village or Treasure Town, seeing as PMDU is dead. Also, any written pieces will be switched out with comics because I absolutely hated switching between literature and comics, since it disrupted the flow so badly. Astra’s evolution story will have an extra part coming along, and again there will be some retconned stuff. Ultimately its a LOT of work but doing it for four years makes me feel like this is little compared to what I had to do when dealing with my own workload and Air’s to boot.

All in all: What this means is that im gonna try to be more active on the Wishful Crown tumblr for RPs but I’ll also be opening up a Discord for RPs which I’ll announce here and on the WC tumblr. I’m gonna be using the tumblr where Astra is still in a team with Ig. (If that blog is there anymore, Air dropped out of it without warning and idk if I deleted it out of anger or smth) bear with me regarding Ig I dont know how to play him well. I’ll post links and more information when I have it. WWG, Wishful Crowns successor, is my main focus since it brings me money at the beginning of every month, and its good pay so I’d rather get all the money i can before moving my focus back to WC completely. I have my doubts that they will keep paying me for any longer than the end of this year but we’ll have to see. Rereading it all might be necessary but there wont be any literature left, fortunately by the time re-reading needs to happen. TLDR: Hoping to bring back Wishful Crown from where it dropped, but no promises. More info when things have cleared up.

#is2g ppl are gonna cause drama #if they are im gonna be done but #im still gonna do it #because fight me #idc #i love this story and im not about to let it fall out of my hands #esp now that im stronger #it made me happy and i want it back #Ig is the only character thats staying proper #and even he belongs to me now #i have reciepts #fight me #Kal is pretty much gonna be Kal just under a different name and design #and no more bullshit 3 ft ralts #just a regular sized Kirlia and later a normal sized gardevoir #or gallade #depends #whatever

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imsvg · 7 years

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Finding You Chapter 2: building

Fandom: Hibike! Euphonium/Sound! Euphonium Pairings: Kumiko/Reina; Natsuki/Yuuko; implied Asuka/Kaori/Haruka; Nozomi/Mizore; Hazuki/Shuuichi Summary: Two years have passed since Reina left after their second-year. Two years have passed and Kumiko is now a freshman in college. Two years have passed and she receives a letter from Reina. Two years have passed but something Kumiko thought she lost is making its way to her. Words: 4,760 Previous Chapters: 1 | Links: FF is here! AO3 is here!

i rec reading on AO3 b/c it’s much easier to read it on there. oh, and see if you can spot the two references i made in this chapter

The next letter from Reina came a week after Kumiko delivered hers.

Kumiko,

You wrote a lot more than I expected. I’m quite glad you did, honestly; it reminds me of the times you would run off on tangents on our monthly hikes. I’m pleased to hear that everyone we know from band are doing well.

That, obviously, includes you too.

What degree are you working towards? I initially planned on majoring in instrumental performance and making a living off of that, but I heard that Taki-sensei received an offer to play in a prestigious orchestra that’s based in Tokyo. Although he won’t be leaving until a few more years, I’ve decided to become the next band director for Kitauji. It’s one of the reasons I’m back in Uji.

Speaking of Kitauji, I dropped by the other day. It looks just as I remembered it, but something is inherently different about it. I honestly can’t describe it, but when I walked around, it felt so surreal. It didn't feel real. I thought that if I looked away, if I even blinked, it would have faded like a mirage.

Maybe it’s the homesickness talking, but I really missed Kitauji. Sometimes I wonder what my senior year might have been if I didn't leave.

Maybe if I stayed, I wouldn't feel this way towards it.

On a much lighter note, it seems that the company that creates those strange instrument creatures (you know, the ones that Kawashima-san loved—or is it loves? I would think that she would have grown out it, but she never fails to surprise me, if I’m being honest) sponsors the band, now. I think Taki-sensei has mixed feelings about it.

Write soon,

Reina

Kumiko reread the letter, taking in every syllable.

Reina’s words were so raw, so honest, it took Kumiko aback. She thought she would have needed to peel back layers of protection covering Reina’s feelings again, the same way she did during their first two years of high school.

It seems that wasn’t the case. Or, at least, to Reina it wasn’t.

Well, of course Reina would have it easy, Logic began as Kumiko reached out for her lukewarm mug of coffee. She was the one who left, after all.

Kumiko had a hard time forcing the coffee down her throat.

She downed the rest of her drink, and rose from her seat, leaving the letter on the table. After a quick shower, she decided, she would begin working on her reply.

Hopefully.

-X-

Call Transcript

Hazuki Katou → Kumiko Oumae

1:35 PM

HK: Ku—mi—ko—chan!

KO: Hazuki-chan! It’s been a while.

HK: [laughs] Right? It’s hard to believe that summer’s already here! Next thing you know, it’s going to be the holidays, then spring comes, and it’s a whole new school year! Then we’re going to be second-years in college? Funny how time flies, you know?

KO: [chuckles] Yeah, yeah, I get it. What’s new with you?

HK: Nothin’ much, really. Just tryna get through school. [laughs] Sometimes, it feels like I never graduated from high school. I’m still in the same place, still seeing some of the same faces, still hating studying. It’s hard to believe that’s been already a year since we left from Kitauji.

KO: [chuckles] Some things never change.

HK: I guess. [chuckles] What’s new with you? I haven’t seen you in ages.

KO: Nothing really. I mean, school ended for me too. Now I’m just…whittling the hours away by myself.

HK: Eeeeh? Really? By yourself?

KO: Well, yeah, by myself.

HK: Thought you would have gotten another girlfriend or somethin’ by now.

KO: [laughs nervously] No, no, not…yet.

HK: That's a shame. You’re real pretty, Kumiko-chan. Bet you could get any gal you set your mind to.

KO: A-ah, I guess. [nervous laughter] Thanks?

HK: You can probably find someone at the Agata Festival!

KO: It’s already that time of year?

HK: Mhm! I think it’s…in several weeks, or something. But the town’s already making preparations for it. I think they’re really upping their game this year.

KO: I don’t see why. [chuckles] The Festival’s the same every year.

HK: How would you know? You haven’t been home in ages! [laughs] Say, you should come over! Stay over at your folks’ house, reconnect with people. You know, so that you’re not a hermit for the rest of vacation.

KO: Maybe I will.

HK: You should! Midori-chan’s coming over, too!

KO: No way, is she really?

HK: Yeah!

KO: All the way from London? Damn.

HK: Oh, oh! And guess who I saw recently!

KO: Uh…Shuuichi?

HK: [incomprehensible stuttering]

KO: I’m…I’m sorry, what?

HK: K-Kumiko-chan! Ho-how’d you find out?

KO: …Find out what?

HK: Oh. O-oh….

KO: Is there…something I’m not getting here?

HK: Oh…I—[laughs nervously]—I thought you knew.

KO: Knew what?

HK: Well…er…Tsukamoto-kun and I are together.

KO: [sputters and coughs] I-I’m s-sorry—[coughing fit]

HK: [worried] A-are you okay, Kumiko-chan…?

KO: Y-yeah, I’m just—[clears throat] taken aback, is all. How long have you guys been…together?

HK: Not long. I think this is our…fourth month?

KO: [hums] You never stopped likin’ him, huh?

HK: [titters] Y-yeah, guess not. You—er—don’t mind, do you?

KO: O’course not. Why would I?

HK: A-ah—mm—no reason….

KO: [sighs] Hazuki-chan, you know I never liked him that way. You don’t have to worry about me being upset. Just ‘cause he’s my childhood friend doesn’t mean we were anything more than that. Don’t worry, okay? ‘Sides, you two make a good couple. I’m happy for the both of you. [laughs] Although, I am surprised that he managed to get someone as pretty as you.

HK: Thanks, Kumiko-chan. [laughs quietly] But that wasn’t what I was going to tell you.

KO: What is it, then?

HK: I saw Reina-chan!

KO: O-oh?

HK: Mhm! It seems she’s back from studying abroad. She was taking a walk around the river. I wanted to go up to her and say hi, but Tsukamoto-kun and I were on a date. She looks…the same, but different at the same time. I mean, yeah, she cut her hair, but there’s something more to it that I can’t really describe it. If you saw her I think you would understand what I mean.

KO: That so?

HK: Mhm. Mm…Kumiko-chan?

KO: Yeah?

HK: Mind if I ask you a question?

KO: What is it?

HK: Do you two…still talk? Like, I know the both of you had a falling out back in high school when she left, but I was wondering if…you know—a-ah, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to! I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t, you know, opening up old wounds.

KO: No, it’s fine. [chuckles] We’re talking to each other. Kind of.

HK: Really? No way!

KO: Kind of is the key phrase here. She sent a letter a week ago, and we have this correspondence going on between us. Sort of.

HK: Ooh, letters! How romantic!

KO: [stammering] I-I g-guess? [chuckles nervously]

HK: Never thought Reina-chan would be that kind of person. You know, because it’s so convenient to just call or send a text.

KO: Yeah, I get it. But, then again, she was always one for the unconventional.

HK: [laughs] Sounds just like her.

[The sound of a door opening is heard, followed by muffled speech is heard in the background]

HK: Ah? Already? Okay. [whispers] Talk to you later, Kumiko-chan. I better see you at the Festival!

KO: [laughs] Sure, sure. See you, then.

Call End

2:03 PM

Kumiko locked her phone and set it aside.

Seems like everyone’s finding love, hm? a part of her pointed out as she reached for a pen. Maybe she found someone new, too.

Kumiko’s hand froze in mid-air.

Slowly, she set her hand down and stared at the blank stationary in front of her. Kumiko would be lying if she said that the thought of Reina having another person in her life didn’t bother her.

Wait, Logic chimed in, if, hypothetically, Reina did—and I’m not saying she does—but if she did, wouldn't have she mentioned it by now? She was never one to beat around the bush.

She didn’t mention the day she was leaving.

But look! Optimism added her voice as Kumiko took a quick glance at Reina’s recent letter. Look how she wrote those words. Look at that tone. You took Literature, didn’t you? How in the hell could she have someone when she wrote like tha—

“Ah, shut up!” Kumiko cried out, silencing her thoughts. She slumped in her seat, her forehead hitting the desk with a faint thunk.

“Why is it so hard to write?” She sighed and turned her head, her cheek resting on the cool parchment.

The sight of a familiar potted cactus greeted her.

Kumiko felt a small smile curl her lips. “At least you never left my side,” she muttered.

The cactus said nothing.

“It’s dumb,” Kumiko continued, “that I can’t be honest with Reina anymore. I mean it’s not dumb—it’s understandable, isn’t it, since she left and all?—but I hate how I can’t just go back to what we had. I mean, look”—she sat up and gestured to Reina’s letter—”at how she can just open up like nothing happened between us. Why can’t I do that? Why am I so s-scared?”

Kumiko hated hearing her voice crack.

Maybe you should talk to someone, Something suggested.

The thought was sudden, but Kumiko didn’t dare argue, not when the familiar sting of tears was prickling the back of her eyes. She cleared her throat, and reached out for her phone. She ignored how her heart was pushing against its stitches, threatening to break them.

With a quick input of her password, Kumiko sent out a text.

2:09 PM

kumiko: natsuki-senpai?

natsuki: Whats up kid

kumiko: i

can i

talk to u about smth?

natsuki: Sure

But i think i remembered telling u to call me

Not txt

kumiko: you dont mind, do you?

natsuki: Ofc not

I was just playin w/ u lol

kumiko: oh okay

natsuki: So what do u need

kumiko: ah well

it’s just

tbh idk how to start lol

natsuki: Just start w/ the problem

kumiko: well reina’s been sending me letters

okay it’s only been two but still

it’s been really hard to reply to her

natsuki: Y

kumiko: honestly it’s b/c im scared

natsuki: Of what

kumiko: opening up to her again

she’s talking to me like nothing’s happened

like she didn't leave

and i cant bring myself to do the same thing

natsuki: So ur scared of talking to her

Is what ur tellin me

kumiko: basically yeah

natsuki: U no

If ur not comfortable w/ talking to her the same way u used 2

U dont have to force urself

Forcing urself to be comfortable will make u uncomfortable

But it seems u already no that lol

Take things slow and soon ull be talking to her like u used too

I no itll b hard

But being able 2 be at ease w/ the other person is important in any relationship

And thatll come eventually if u let it

kumiko: it looks like you’ve had a lot of experience w/ this lol

natsuki: Dont tell yuuko but

One of the reasons i acted like an asshole 2 her back in the day was b/c i didnt no how to talk to her

And b/c i thought she was annoying as shit

I always thought she was cute but

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

kumiko: those are very natsuki-like reasons lol

natsuki: U cant deny that yuuko is an acquired taste

kumiko: okay i guess you're right lol

natsuki: Can i ask u smth now

kumiko: yeah what is it?

natsuki: U said u were gay rite

kumiko: yeah

natsuki: Were u and reina an item or smth

kumiko: yeah

we kept it under the covers-ish

only a handful of people knew, like asuka-senpai and midori-chan and hazuki-chan

i dont think any of her family knew

but we were somewhat open w/ affection like holding hands and stuff

you know?

natsuki: Yeah i no lol

I kinda called it tbh

But it wasnt my business and idc who ppl date anyways

As long as ure happy and safe

kumiko: mhm

natsuki: She must have meant a lot to u huh

kumiko: …

yeah..

it sucks that things went the way they did…

natsuki: Yeah

It rly hurt u a lot huh

When she left

kumiko: was it noticeable?

natsuki: Kinda

U always had this zoned look on ur face when no1 was talkin to u

And u were quieter

kumiko: you're surprisingly observant

is it your vice-president intuition kicking in lol

natsuki: Lmao i guess

U pick up things after a while

kumiko: yeah i get it

natsuki: Plus i think i got it from u lol

kumiko: yeah?

natsuki: Yeah

U have this weird ability to read ppl sometimes

kumiko: wish i could read what reina was thinking back then

or when she writes to me now

so that i know why she left in the first place

natsuki: Ull figure it out

Maybe itll be clear sooner or l8r

Ask when ure ready

kumiko: yeah maybe

thanks natsuki-senpai

for letting me talk to you

i would have gone to asuka-senpai but she gets a little too blunt sometimes lol

and as much as i love her she’s useless when it comes to these kinds of things

natsuki: Anytime kid

Oh btw this is offtopic but

R u going to the Agata Festival

kumiko: i was thinking about it

are you?

natsuki: Yeah

Yuuko’s been begging me to take her

I think its so that she can see kaori again lol

kumiko: or maybe she just wants to spend time w/ you

you know

since you’re her girlfriend

natsuki: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Who knows

Anyways were planning on leaving in two weeks

So we could have a week to chill before the actual festival

U wanna come

kumiko: sure

natsuki: Cool

Ill txt u more deets l8r

kumiko: sounds good to me

i’ll ttyl then

better start on this letter lol

natsuki: Got u

Ttyl

Kumiko locked her phone, and reclined in her seat. She stared at the ceiling, noticing how, despite the summer heat around her, her chest felt considerably lighter. Like someone came and took a weight she never knew she was carrying.

Just build up to her, Something whispered. You can do that, right?

Kumiko sat up and reached for her pen again. Once the tip touched the paper, words began to form on the page. Words turned into sentences, which took shape into paragraphs, and before Kumiko knew it, she had to reach for another piece of stationary.

Reina,

I went into college undecided. Right now, I’m getting all the general classes out of the way, but I took a music composition class as an elective. It was an interesting experience; it made me remember why I loved music and euphonium so much in the first place. I might take extra classes on it.

If I’m being honest, I’m surprised that you decided to become a teacher. I never would have expected that from you, considering how well you received the underclassmen when they came in. You would always rant on and on about that whenever we went on our hikes, too. Especially when you got frustrated at the “lack of commitment” from the underclassmen during our second-year. But, you know, we pulled through in the end. We managed to get a gold at Nationals that year (but then you complained on how it was a dud gold and not real gold, and that reminded me of a particular scene back in the middle-school).

It’s hard to believe, yet at the same time, I can picture Band Director Reina perfectly. You would be similar to Taki-sensei, I think. Overly-serious, with a stoic face and straight voice. You would give tons of tough love to the slackers and the ones who weren’t improving as quickly as you would like, but your harsh words would carry good intentions.

Writing that made me realize how much I missed Taki-sensei and Kitauji. Maybe I’ll drop by when I come by in a few weeks, around the Agata Festival.

Speaking of the Festival, are you planning on attending with anyone? Me, I don’t really have plans to attend, honestly. Midori-chan is coming back from England, so I might be with her—maybe. I heard from Hazuki-chan that the Festival is going to be more lively this year. How much more lively, I wouldn’t know—I haven’t gone the last couple of years.

Maybe if you go, we can run into each other again.

Kumiko

Finishing her signature with a flourish, Kumiko glanced over her letter with a touch of pride and lots of satisfaction.

She certainly wrote much more than she had expected.

But, underneath her contentedness, there was a nagging question in the back of her mind, prodding around for answers.

Why did Reina leave in the first place?

You can ask her once you’re ready—just build up to it. Like Natsuki-senpai said, Something assured. And then you’ll be able to find the answer.

Kumiko pulled out an envelope from her desk drawer, folded the letter into thirds, then tucked it into the envelope. As she wrote down Reina’s address followed by her own, Kumiko noticed a budding feeling in her chest. It made her feel jittery at the thought of sending this letter to Reina, while at the same time, an unbridled sense of anticipation filled her when she thought about the possible replies Reina’s letter might hold.

-X-

Reina’s reply came a mere two days after Kumiko delivered hers.

Oh, Kumiko,

If that was your way of trying to find out whether or not I have someone else in my life, the answer is no, I don’t have anyone to go to the Festival with. But, if you’re in Uji for the Festival, then perhaps we can go together—that is, if you’re not busy with your plans with Kawashima-san.

(At this, Kumiko pictured Reina curling her lips into the subtlest of smirks, and she had to pause reading to gather her flustered self)

But, you know, attending the Agata Festival wouldn’t be so bad. It’s been two years since I’ve attended it, after all. I doubt that there will be any groundbreaking changes, but I think I’ll still go. For nostalgia’s sake, you know? Coming back to Japan made me realize how much I’ve missed everything. I suppose you can say that the Agata Festival is one of them. I’m not one to linger on these types of things, but when you leave the place you once knew for a whole new world, you’ll start to miss the flavor of familiarity. Sure, there’s the thrill of trying new things, but that can only last so long.

You know how they say you can never truly appreciate something until it’s gone? I think I understand what they mean now.

Anyways, it’s a pleasant surprise to hear that you’re still involved with music. Music composition is a very interesting choice of study. I remember I took a class on it in my time abroad. I didn’t find it quite as enjoyable as actually performing, but I’m still going with it. Maybe somewhere along the line I’ll actually like it.

Speaking of music, have you watched Kitauji’s performance in this year’s Sunrise Festival? I’m surprised at the rapid growth of the group, if I’m being honest. They’ve improved a lot since our second-year performance with them. They nearly doubled in size—instead of 40 people in the band and only a handful of color guard, it’s almost an 80-piece band. I didn't get a proper count of the color guard, but there was a considerable amount. Their diagonals were a bit off, but their steps were together, and all of them were on beat. The sound was amazing as well—loud, bold, yet majestic. If you ever decide to drop by Kitauji when you’re in Uji, I’m sure Taki-sensei will show you the tape. I feel a sort of quiet pride exuding from him every time I mention it. You’ll understand what I mean if you do.

Awaiting your reply,

Reina

It’s almost comical how our letters to one another are getting longer and longer. Kumiko chuckled, taking out a sheet of stationary.

Maybe it’s all part of building up to each other, Something mused. Kumiko silently agreed as she reached for a pen.

Unlike her last two replies, Kumiko didn't hesitate to work, her words filling up page after page.

-X-

Before Kumiko knew it, she established a comfortable correspondence with Reina. She received Reina’s letters at unpredictable times, sometimes two days after she sent her own reply, other times a whole week. Nevertheless, Kumiko found herself stopping by her PO box with anticipation every morning. If she was especially restless, she would even check her mailbox multiple times a day. Once that letter arrived, however, Kumiko made sure to reply and deliver right away.

Even if it meant going down to the lobby near the dead of night.

“Going to deliver something so late, Kumiko-chan?”

“Guah!” Kumiko nearly jumped out of her own skin. Whipping her head around, she saw Gram staring at her behind the counter with a smile, brown eyes twinkling in the bright light of the lobby. “G-Gram! I—uh—didn’t see you there.”

Gram chuckled. “I can tell.” Her gaze drifted to the lone envelope that Kumiko held in her hands. “Bills?”

“A-ah, no.” Kumiko scratched the back of her neck. “It’s, uh, a letter.”

“A letter?”

“Yeah. For someone.”

Gram looked back at Kumiko, her smile never wavering. “It looks like your generation knows how to write letters after all.” There was an amused lilt in her voice, and hearing it made Kumiko smile crookedly.

“Admittedly, it wasn’t easy.” She chuckled. “The first couple of times took me much longer than it should have to write.”

“That’s how it is with a lot of things,” Gram said with a knowing nod. “I was the same, you know.”

“Really?”

Gram nodded and turned to the small picture frame that sat on her desk. Kumiko followed her gaze, craning her neck to get a better look, and saw the faded black-and-white picture of a young couple., The man was meticulously dressed in a suit, hair slicked back. His arm was around the waist of a young woman dressed in a flowing kimono, her black hair tied back into an elaborate bun. While at first glance their expressions seemed stoic, Kumiko noticed that both their lips were curled into the subtlest of smiles.

“Hideo-san had to find work, oftentimes abroad, especially in the beginning of our marriage,” Gram began. “We would write letters to one another, but in the first few years, I struggled to figure out on what to write. What do I say to someone that I barely knew, yet at the same time, someone I was supposed to share my everything with? We were an arranged marriage, and we didn't get to meet face-to-face until our wedding day.”

“Sounds…tough.”

Gram laughed, her voice rich with nostalgia. “It was. Our letters to one another at first were sparse, both in quantity and quality. But over time, we—how do I say this? We—”

“Built up to one another?”

“Yes,” Gram said with a nod. “Something like that. Our responses to one another grew and grew, and so did our love.” Gram looked at Kumiko, and Kumiko noticed how her brown eyes shimmered in the light. “Love finds its way, Kumiko-chan. It always does.”

Kumiko’s stomach churned, as if it had a hard time digesting the sudden sweetness in Gram’s voice. “That so?”

Gram let out a breath of amusement. “You don’t believe me, do you?”

“Wha—I never said tha—why would you assume—”

“It’s fine, Kumiko-chan,” Gram said with a laugh. “It’s hard to believe it when love hurts, like so many things in life.”

Kumiko’s words died on her tongue.

“Love is never easy. I’ve learned that the hard way. But”—Gram reached over to cup Kumiko’s face; she melted into the calloused, yet gentle touch—”it’ll always find you. Whether it’s through a passion or a person, developed or spontaneous, love will find you. And when it does, it will stay. Do you…understand?”

Kumiko pursed her lips to keep them from quivering as she gave a faint nod. “Yeah, I—I think I get it.”

“Good.” Gram lightly pinched Kumiko’s cheek before pulling her hand away. “You’ve been hurt by this person, haven’t you?” Her eyes drifted to Kumiko’s letter.

“Yeah. She, uh, left. To study abroad. Didn’t really say anything about it, though.”

Gram hummed and gave a knowing nod.

“But she sent me a letter a couple of weeks ago saying she’s back in Japan, so….” Kumiko shrugged and looked down at the letter in her hands. “My friend told me to slowly build up what I used to have with her. I found it a little hard at first, but I’m getting used to it now. I even look forward to getting letters. But, it’s just that—I don’t know—I just I think she’ll leave again, and this time, she’ll never return.”

“Well,” Gram began, “if she came back in the first place, it must mean something, hm?” She raised her eyebrows and a playful smile tugged her lips.

Kumiko chuckled. “Yeah, I guess….”

“Is this person someone important to you?”

“Yeah,” Kumiko said, “she’s an important…friend.” Kumiko forced the word out, and ignored the way her heart winced in her chest.

“Your eyes say otherwise.”

Kumiko’s ears were suddenly ablaze, the shame of lying to Gram consuming Kumiko’s face in a red blush. “U-uh—w-well—”

“You’re still the same to me, Kumiko-chan.” Gram said with a growing smile. “Love has no boundaries. Never be ashamed of loving another person, regardless of who they are.”

Kumiko’s lips pulled into a crooked smile. “Thanks, Gram.”

Gram’s smile turned into a grin as she chuckled. “Anytime. Ah, before you go, I have something for you.” Kumiko watched as Gram shuffled off into the back of her office, rustling about, until she returned with a Tupperware container full of food.

Kumiko’s stomach growled when she saw the chicken katsu and rice inside.

“Thanks,” Kumiko said as she reached out for the food. She could feel the slight warmth of the rice tickling her fingertips as she held it. “You know, you don’t have to do this, though.”

Gram shook her head. “It’s fine. I want to do this. I love cooking because it reminds me of Hideo-san. I would always cook for him whenever I had the chance.”

Kumiko’s heart ached when she saw Gram’s shining eyes drift towards Hideo-san’s picture, a nostalgic smile on her face.

Her love never ends for him, Something whispered. Maybe she’s right. Maybe love does stay.

The thought left warm feeling in her chest.

“Thanks, Gram,” Kumiko said quietly.

Gram looked up at Kumiko. The beads of tears that were collecting in her eyes sparkled in the light, and in that moment, Kumiko thought that Gram looked like the beautiful young woman in the picture.

“Enjoy the food,” Gram said, the smallest of smiles tugging on her lips.

-X-

you remember

the first meal you cooked

together

she was home

alone

“no one’s here?” you asked

“yeah, but it’s okay,” she said

as if it was normal for her to be

alone

you tried not to let that bother you

as the both of you prepared dinner

together

the drone of the tv playing,

the clatter of cutlery,

the ruckus of pots and pans,

the sizzle of the meat,

all of that was just background noise to you because you focused on

how she looked

how she laughed

how she spoke

because it was moments like these, you realized

that she looked genuinely happy,

and sparkled in the moonlight

like an angel

flung out of space

you prepared the food

together

you set the table

together

you ate

together

laughed

together

you spoke

together

you were happy

together

“the food tastes amazing,” she said

“yeah,” you said, “it does.”

but in the back of your mind

you wondered

how often she ate her meals

alone

and how bland they tasted

whenever she ate

alone

because people always say

meals taste better when eaten

together

#oumae kumiko #kousaka reina #i write #kumirei #hibike #hibike! euphonium #sound! euphonium #hibike fanfic #fanfiction #nakagawa natsuki #katou hazuki #angst

6 notes · View notes

illyriantremors · 8 years

Note

1/3 okkkkayyy. unpopular opinion here but... am i the only one that really dislikes the nesta x cassian thing? i enjoy reading cassian individually, however as a couple and/or just nesta.... i dont like it. i also don't think it's necessarily "healthy", if that makes sense. i mean the way they seem now, they'll constantly be bickering, hating/loving each other simultaneously, and when they DO fight for real, imagine how HEATED that would get. now im not talking sexy heated

2/3 like they'll grab each other and kiss, but im talking about... lets say they argue. arguing consists of YELLING and INSULTING (generally speaking) and yet they do that all the time ?? so for them, when they're angry.... imagine how much worse/how volatile it could get ?? like if nesta says something rude, cassian thinks "BITCH" in the side story, yet imagine if they were fighting and.... yeah, HEATED. id be afraid nesta would throw something at him/hit him to be HEARD because she might feel

3/3 intimidated by how big/muscular/strong he is. but... uhm, that's abuse. regardless of if its a dude or a chick who hits somebody.... its abuse. and like i said before, they {would} bicker a shit ton. like... insulting each other regularly? verbal abuse, possibly. and no, im not throwing the word "abuse" freely. cause THAT IS WHAT IT IS. u cant disregard a FACT just because "oh that ship is just sooo SEXY. and has sooo much potential!!!😍😍" idk it just seems unhealthy for both parties involv

Hello! I feel like I am maybe not the best person to answer this, but I’ll try. Apologies if it gets incoherent or seems rambling and weird!

Your initial question - are you the only person who dislikes Nessian. The answer is no. There are definitely people who aren’t into Nessian. I used to be one of them! I’ve put a lot of effort into understanding Nesta more since summer and have really come around to the ship because of my studies (for lack of a better word), but there are still certainly people who don’t ship Nessian... or Moriel! Or Elucien! This fandom has all sorts of ships going on right now and whatever you decide to ship is a-okay, so don’t feel weird if you end up in the minority on a ship opinion. It happens all the time and it’s okay. Ship and let ship! :)

The later half of your question is trickier. I understand where you could see the potential for a ship like Nessian to become unhealthy and problematic. They certainly have a heated way of dealing with each other that is both physical and mental/emotional. However, I don’t think there is anything in the text right now that implies that either of them would become abusive or unhealthy.

Cassian, for his part, is incredibly mature and responsible and we see in the bonus chapter just by how he reacts to Nesta’s almost rape that he would never harm a woman. That fact alone coupled with how ardently he fights to give the female Illyrians equal rights in the war camps tells me that Cassian would never hurt a woman even if his life depended on it. Quite the opposite, actually. I think he’d go to the ends of the earth to avoid it. This is the man who pukes his guts up after slaughtering his enemies. He has a gift for fighting, but I don’t think that means he enjoys the violence or relishes hurting people. He has a big heart and I think at the end of the day, Cass would give up his gifts for fighting if it meant everyone could be happy and safe and loved.

Nesta I think it a lot more vulnerable than you may give her credit for? Certainly she lashes out and is harsh. That’s an integral part of her character. But she is human and she is certainly not cruel as I know I initially pegged her for. I think the portions of the bonus chapter from her POV show that she struggles a lot with being vulnerable and that her aim is to push people away, not to hurt them to give her some kind of control or power like an abuser would seek. This vulnerability is a huge challenge for her, but if she were to truly fall in love with Cassian, I think a lot of the harshness would soften in her. She would still be her good ole prickly self and trade jabs with him for sure, but when you’re in love, you’re a lot less inclined to deal out serious injuries (verbal or physical) towards your SO, especially ones that would lead to something unhealthy and abusive as you’re suggesting. And I just don’t personally even out of love with Cass that Nesta’s sharpness is anything lending to abuse to begin with. She loves and she loves deeply, it’s just hard to see.

So overall, I just don’t think either of them are motivated to lash out for abusive reasons - to gain power over the other and diminish them. I think they’re both just trying to figure out how they might fit together (and for Nesta, how she fits in the world period), so they sting with words to put space between them, but not to begin a vicious cycle of abuse or to be unhealthy. And the more they grow to understand and love one another, the more I think that the stings will become the sexy kind of fighting that we all enjoy reading as opposed to something dangerous or volatile.

I also think it’s important to note that all couples fight. There is always yelling and insults are traded. It’s not nice and it’s not good, but just because it happens doesn’t mean that couple has landed in an abusive relationship. Feyre threw a shoe at Rhys and outright hated him in the beginning, but that didn’t make their relationship abusive. I could see something similar for Nessian happening. There will be times that they fight and the words exchanged will be real and meant to wound - not the sexy hot stuff - but not because they want to forever harm or abuse. It’s just a part of working through what being together means. Again, it’s just my view that the more you love someone truly, the less likely you’ll be to want to hurt them on an abusive level even if you’re in the middle of a really intense fight.

If it ever did go too far, well then yeah, obviously it’s not meant to work out and I wouldn’t support it. I just don’t personally think that’s the direction it’s going nor do I believe SJM is going to go there. If you’re still feeling frustrated or concerned, and you’re asking because you’re trying to find reasons to enjoy Nessian more, I’d say maybe go back and reread their bits with a Nesta/Nessian lens on and try to understand where they each are coming from in their choices and words? If you’re still not feeling it after that, remember what I said in the first paragraph: it’s okay! You can ship whomever you like or not ship it and the world will keep on turning.

I hope this helps! I always feel weird answering these kind of more serious asks, so I hope this made sense?? If anyone has more to add, feel free! I know there are several of you out there who are much more eloquent at abuse and/or Nessian meta than I!

#ask #sierra answers #Anonymous

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sissy-richie · 4 years

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When I posted Chloe's blog, I took the time to read it.

I actualy had to reread it several times, and just a little while ago I shared it with my wife.

My wife and I have decide to allow Chloe to make her first post in a while because she has lately been behaving, and not rebelling or placing herself in the position of belittling herself, we are not and I think it's called regressing her.

Chloe has made this choice long before we moved in with her.

After talking with Chloe's therapist as she said, we are just supporting a decision that she has already made.

Her anger and tantrums have minimised from what they were, and she has become a lot better as far as becoming more cooperative with going to her appointments.

I asked Chloe's therapist if she might have brain damage from something she may of done to herself.

Chloe's therapist told me that she highly doubted it, but Chloe is scheduled for screening by her psychologist and her MD, and they will be able to give a better diagnosis if it's physical or not.

My wife and I have both agreed that we are not going to allow Chloe anymore to be looking at post that will put her in the position of degrading herself.

A reason we have taken her phone from her.

Chloe's therapist fully agrees with our decision on this.

Chloe is as I've said before a very sweet and loving person that only wants to be excepted, and loved.

Who of us doesn't want or need this in our lives.

I think I have a fairly good idea of what a little is. But I can't in Chloe's case say she is a submissive, as it says most little's are.

I can except a part of what I've read to a degree.

But I'm still trying to figure out exactly where Chloe fits into this world, and why she has made the decision to be a toddler girl, but I can understand how much confusion she is fighting with all that has been going on in her life.

The word sissy seams so degrading, and harsh and she deserves so more than to see herself as this.

But in my searching, and both my wife and I have been doing a lot of, we still can't find where Chloe fits into life, it is really no wonder why she is so confused at times.

We've learned that in the ddlg community most act like little kids. Being a little is fine I guess as long as there is no basis on sex because it fall under the pedifile by some.

My wife told me that she's heard a little about this because one of the guy's she works with has mentioned about his wife and him are into this.

I am really worried because apparently my wife and I fall into the care givers role.

I discussed with Chloe's therapist about this, and what would happen to her if we continued elsewhere with our lives leaving her.

I told her that I didn't want to take on a grown little girl, but that I didn't mind helping Chloe while the immediate was needed because in a way its no different than when Chloe was first injured, and I helped to take care of her.

Chloe no longer has an ability to achieve release or to have a orgasm as other adults can, so this life she has chosen isn't about a sexual desire or pleasure for her.

I dont see it either about her as being a submissive when I watch her, and how she behaves.

All we see is a little girl in a grown body behaving like any other little two or three year old girl would act in everything she does.

She doesn't even fight either of us anymore when we change or dress or bathe her, she just plays with what ever she's given no different than any other little girl would.

She really doesn't have many choices of personal underwear other than to wear diapers, she's tried so many different solutions from pads to leg bags, clamps not to mention the different treatments Chloe has been through with so many doctors, a lot with a certain degree of pain involved.

My wife and I can understand this to a degree, we've both had many discussions and taken the time to put ourselves in the position of if it was us, and how we would feel if we could no longer control our bodily functions.

There'd be no way I could ever wear some of my personal items I've become so fond of.

These are things that allow my wife and I to express ourselves with each other as well as they do help to improve how we feel about ourselves.

A part of being a woman.

What woman doesn't appreciate the finery that life offers to us.

But I try to think in Chloe's case how can she ever cherish or have this ability in her life.

To go from being mocked by society her whole life to finding out she is really okay and turning her life around to being the way it always should have been. Only to having her dreams only taken from her, and trying to find a place for herself again.

I think this is a good example of just how much expecialy my wife and I take our life's for granted. All of us for that matter.

My wife and I agree with Chloe and a part of something she's said in the past "No matter how bad I think it is, there is always someone else that has it a lot worse than I do!"

These are very important and strong words, that may be easy to say, but for her to try and live it, I at times think she is stronger than I could ever be.

If I was ever in her position I ask myself what would I do or how could I handle it.

I really don't think I have Chloe's strength.

But one thing both my wife and I see is a girl, a little girl that has had her heart ripped out of her, a little girl that has been kicked around her whole life.

Neither one of us can help but to see some how in this choice she has made, she is content, and happy, it's something else to see how happy she is when she's is playing or doing things at times. I've got to admit even I have fun when I sit down with her and play with her and her toys or dolls.

The innocence that both my wife and I see in her, as long as she's being able to live her life like a little girl would.

It's like she steps through a mirror into a different place and her problems no longer existed.

I hated talking and taking Chloe to her therapist, but I love her, and I don't want to see her hurting herself in any way.

Chloe deserves so much more in her life.

Chloe has taken so many times out of her life to help me.

My wife and I still talk about what would happen to her if in the process of taking her to her therapist that she ever lost this innocence and contentment she has, what would happen to her.

We both believe that it would totally destroy, and devastate her.

We think about the effects and what she might do.

I've been discussing what we see with her therapist and I'm looking for her therapist to give us a solid answer, but we're still at the beginning of this, but her therapist did say not to let her expose herself in public because it would cause mental anguish to a point Chloe might seriously hurt herself.

With how this society would respond or react it scares me.

We will let Chloe Marie make her post next week after she sees her therapist again.

Chloe has a lot of appointments this next week, and I hope that we will be able to have some answers soon.

And who knows in time hopefully we'll be able to look back on these posts and see a positive progress in all this.

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aitian · 4 years

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8/23/20 3:02am, sunday

think i have been going abt the way i talk & interact w ppl wrong. feels shitty that as an adult i am still so repressed. a lot has to be unspoken bc maybe i dont have words that other ppl want to hear. & otherwise i had always been scared to say what i mean. thinking today abt what it might be like to be honest w ghosts. maybe they would materialize but i wont try.

we would go to stone valley. him & i. somehow its hard to admit thats who has lived in my head for so long. i really don’t much remember what he looks like, only photos. or that feeling of being so enchanted. the heartbreak, numb, is still familiar. i think its on my mind bc i reread ganbare nakamura kun yesterday & the furious rewriting of truth inside the head (is it just me? they couldn’t.. wouldn’t... would they?) made me feel so sad. i was thinking when he feels rejected on the school trip, when hirose seems to enjoy the company of everyone else, nakamura goes to the aquarium alone anyway to see the cute octo. & he has this happy face. & he finds tako & its so cute & he becomes so frustrated, upset. of course things would end up this way. & thats where my story ended. but hirose appears, paid the entrance fee & tells nakamura he is funny & charming, & reveals an intimate moment of i would rather be with u.

the wind would blow across the water. my hair would be pulled up into a messy bun, or maybe i would just clip back the sides. i might pick him up, but i would have to practice the route. he would say, woah... you’ve changed. i might say... im not sure. is that okay? & there’s no way to say no. so we would end up by the reservoir, & i might ask why he agreed to meet me, or he might ask why i wanted to see him. i might tell him how i felt that year. how i was so upset to watch him graduate. i guess i think he would be uncomfortable around me. & i might tell him i dont have any expectations. i just wanted to see him again.

writing & rewriting endings (continuations) is a strange strategy i don’t know how to feel about. i thought deeply about it first reading eve ewing’s poetry guided by hui ying. i guess most happy stories feel like rewritings already. like there’s what an author who lives a lovelier life would expect to happen to them. but for me it wouldn’t happen that way. & that’s why i find it difficult to rewrite my own stories- because they wouldn’t happen that way. & i want them to be anything but real so bad. the real story is much more mundane & painful. so to rewrite my stories into mythology or whatever else carries a lot of weight. like, of course representations are easily imagined to be perfect, full of vigor & triumph & diversity & heroes & villains & lessons but it doesn’t make sense to me to deform my past into smth worth ingesting. its yucky to share the dirty & ugly feelings i have had as well as a sanitized retelling. maybe i just want to tell a story full of monsters.

ive started drawing a little but even that imagining of a representation is icky to me. i guess thats why i think i can only draw myself- bc im not a representation. that my image can literally be a version of me flattened onto a page. & thats different from designing characters to fit an ideal image for a story. i guess i am very unideal for my tragedy lmao. i will draw tmrw.

some updates abt the summer: - hate texting/msging ppl. did it rarely but somehow felt like a lot - sad that i don’t know what ppls lives are like who i care abt & that is a shameful contradition bc clearly i dont care if i dont know & dont want to ask but i dont want to ask bc that already embodies the contradiction of not knowing but wishing i knew - rly lonely sometimes. like now writing abt him & regretting how i have gotten to this point in my now 20′s without building the beginnings of any future that has love in it, friends, partners, comrades, children, guardians, mentors - looking forward to umibe no etranger movie i guess. tbh i rly dont like the manga characters but the art is cute i guess & voice acting from the trailer is pretty precious. been reading a lot of bl these few days & i think it is the most interesting part of my life. cis women can write these dramatic narratives abt what is feels like to be a queer boy in love. it is so easy & pleasurable to abuse imagined beings. i have to write vestigial bodies this year. - alice is home this weekend. we celebrated dads burthday today. i think 56. mom and dad both say they are not old, & alice was quick to agree. i think it is convenient for her to not have to see them every day & think abt their futures. alice made drinks & i made spocy ramen around midnight & i think this is the type of carefree activity i miss indulging in w friends, ppl who i want to eat well & be happy & see their beautiful faces & talk abt everything w. friends is such a bad, generic word. - school starts in two weeks i think - idk what else. had a period of rly enjoying the sunrise & running outside, but i am back in the slump. its so difficult to wake up when i dont know why i would want to do that shit. lol. its always not so difficult anymore once i am awake but i realized i am so upset when i am tired, & im just used to living with those feelings until i pass out. i dont need more than 8 hrs a day to feel happy but its difficult to stop the slump from making its nest - pastimes r watching one piece (im on episode 500+ & i cannot multitask when reading subs), reading bl, playing botw, playing w myself, & eating i guess. i also read sula in one day bc i wanted to prove to myself that i still knew how. obsessive. comforts & pleasures > coping. our brains r wired so weak by scarcity relations. & also idk... adhd & ocd tendencies + anxious obsessive & depressive obsessive.

goals for the end of this year i think: - 80 pgs of lianhuanhua type graphic novel - vestigial bodies essay on virtual pleasure & bodily rejection (pain, deterioration, abuse, freakishness) - maybe centered on some media? not sure yet.. thinking abt video games & comics as virtual life where representations replace bodily function, distance pleasurable simulated outcomes w the body that produces unpleasurable irl outcomes - visual novel in febuilder if i figure out what i want to do with gameplay. - learn blender. maybe construct one scene

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seniorfuzzypollo · 5 years

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Okaysobasically

The past two month since April to now I've been in the state of mind when I actually want to, yknow, die. I never really understood why people did because i always thought it was so selfish and they just needed to keep fighting, it's always gonna get better. I still kinda believe it to a much smaller degree now but I've developed this understanding of why I had these thoughts more so than often and why I have been actually considering it more and more. I believe that when I do it, when I finally go through with it I'll be fine. I'll be a pedal riding down a nice river. No more pain, no more guilt. I wouldn't have to feel like this. Confined in a test tube of my own making. I want to not feel the burden I put on myself anymore. I'd say I could change but how am I supposed to do that if I keep getting the same answers. I'm trying to better myself but no one tells me what I REALLY need to change. Now I may just be overdoing it or I haven't been paying enough attention but it still doesn't change the fact that I can't fix what's wrong.

Maybe If I just list out the reasons, or the actions that put me in this mindset. It's an pretty obvious one for my character, it's love. I want to love someone. That's what I desire more than anything. I want to have someone to sleep next to. I want to feel the warm embrace of a person who truly loves me. I just want someone to come home to. It's childish I know but that's all I really want. There's a recurring thing that's been happening to me with lovers of mine. Two main things actually. My lust, and they say they don't love me anymore. My lust I can explain, I'm not pressuring or begging for sex. When I say lust it's mainly my want to be around them, to kiss, hug, hold their hand, the works. I want to give them affection, and yes I do tend to be in the moment and do some naughty things but I never force things. It makes me sick of an idea like that. I wasn't always so affectionate, so passionate. I didn't really know how to pace myself in relationships. There was One specific one that I was in that was a wild three months. I told them about how it was going so fast but I didn't want them to feel like they were "easy". I guess that fast pacing stuck on more than I had realized..

When they say they don't love me anymore I don't really believe it. There's always another reason they never say to me but does to Everyone else and that's how I find out. I've recently found out that one of these people who's done it to me had a pretty good reason for leaving me. I never knew it until I was told. I would apologize to then but I never really did know what I did wrong until a mutual friend of ours spilt the tea as people would say. They felt pressured to have sex with me. I thought about it and I realized they did and I reread some texts and understood completely. If they just would've told me I could've fixed it, I could've avoided many other problems. Don't get it mixed up It was sophomore year of high school and my hormones were doing their thing. I know it doesn't excuse the fact I was a pig but I just wanted that to be pointed out. Then junior year was weird. I didnt really have a person I'd date. I did talk to and old flame but it fizzled out due to my overbearing want for them to just be with me. I don't blame them for it. I promised them something so great with me just for me to fuck it up and let them down. I don't pity them anymore. I know they're alright now. At the tail end though I had a fling with someone who was already in a relationship. That was stupid of me to do but they reminded me of a person from freshmen year I just couldn't help myself. Lost a friendship there. Senior year at the beginning I was talking to someone and we were kinda a thing? It was never really explained we were just untitled but it was kinda official. I had a glimpse of what I could have, we actually connected pretty well, it was great until the end. We were watching adventure time and they just kept scooting away from me and finally said they lost feelings and we should stop seeing each other. It hurt. I think she was the person who actually just lost feelings for me. Then again they were dating someone two weeks after and that felt like shit. Epic sad montage until I watched Peter Pan from the theater department. Then I saw them. After I complimented their hair, it was teal. I didn't know it at the time but they were if not the best thing I have had yet. Or will have.

I joined the set crew to actually get closer to them, not totally creepy. I would see them paint props and stuff and scurry around doing their thing and me doing things too. We got closer by doing this birdbox challenge where we'd blindfold one person and take them to McDonald's, it was fun to take them up there. I'd hold their hand all the way there and we later confessed to each other that we actually were hoping to hold each other's hand. Days go by and we get closer and closer to where I eventually slip a note in their coat. I didn't know the coat had a hole in the pocket so it slipped into the jacket. I apologized for the note and they had no idea what I was talking about until they got home and sent me a text saying "I think you're pretty cute too" cut to another montage of cute stuff like walking around, talking, then drawing stuff on my arm and long calls on the phone. February tenth is when I asked them out officially and where we kissed. It was their first kiss and we did not stop for around 2-3 hours. After that we just kept making out it was amazing. Making out on the walls, floors, corners anywhere really. It was incredible. So I lost track. Anyway, we just felt so strongly towards each other, we loved each other. It actually shook my core when I told them I loved them. It was electrifying. There was so much love, so much joy, this felt like the break, like I found the one, I found the reason, I found happiness. My feelings were reciprocated. So what happened. Easy, they lost feelings for me. Can you imagine that? Fuck me am I right? Screw me. I don't believe them. I believe I did something but they won't tell me. I'm sure I was just too handsy sometimes. Too wack. But they insist on it. I don't hate them but I really miss them. They might be a sign, a spark of hope of what I can have. Why. Why do I have to suffer like this?

I'm so fucking TIRED OF BEING ALONE!!! I DONT WANT TO STAY UP WRITING THIS, I DONT WANT TO ALWAYS LOOK AT A KNIFE WANTING TO PLUNGE IT INTO MY THROAT OR JUST SWALLOWING MIXED PILLS. WHY THE FUCK CANT I SEEM TO ESCAPE THIS FUCKING MAZE?! WHY.WHY.WHY.WHY.WHY.WHY. Why. Why. Why is what I've been asking. I know it sounds cliche for someone wanting to die because their partner left them. It's more than that for me.

I don't want to breathe because I can't face more of this. I wanted them to be the last person I call girlfriend. We even talked about marragie. It was far into the future but we both knew we were down. Am I just. Shit? Am I cursed? Is this supposed to happen to me? Is this punishment? What's the justification for all of this?

You tell me. Cause I don't know what to do anymore.

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