#i feel poorly about my lack of connections on this blog.

[19mhz]

a.

[yamayuandadu]

I’ve just published my last article this year. Pretty good one if I do say so myself, though I think between the Nanaya, Tamamizu and Amaterasu articles this was a solid year for this blog in general. 

Through the second half of 2023 my focus has shifted from wikipedia to blog articles. I think it’s safe to say things will remain this way in 2024. In the wiki trenches I’ve developed a methodology sound enough to make me feel secure about my abilities, but I like going on tangents or referencing trivial matters, so these feel more fulfilling to do than wiki articles. I think I’m genuinely pretty good at what I do now; this makes most of my old articles feel inadequate, but that’s not a major issue.

I have no roadmap to offer. In January you can most likely expect 3 articles: another one focused on tengu in Touhou, this time dealing on the origin of the name Tenma and on various figures who can be considered leaders of tengu; an explanation of the term shikigami; and a shorter article introducing an obscure Heian period poet. I can promise I will have something to post each month, but the exact volume is bound to vary due to various irl duties, mood, and other factors.

I have multiple ideas and even partially written articles, but I am not sure in which order I will release them. Remakes of old articles like the one on Parsee of SA fame, or on Hecate in primary sources and how popculture handles her (spoilers: generally poorly). Hata no Kawakatsu and his (lack of a direct) connection to Matarajin. The origin of Matarajin. Mononobe no Moriya and the introduction of Buddhism to Japan. Tsuchigumo. Masakado and other famous vengeful ghosts. And much more! Stay tuned. There is also a distinct possibility that new things will catch my interest and I will swap individual projects around or add new ones to the queue. We’ll see. 

[finalshaper]

about the pro shipping post you are so fucking right. when i was 16 i had proship dni on an aesthetic blog that i ran and i had multiple people harassing me for it over months. i've also had them call me ableist and homophobic slurs and sexually harass me when i was 16-18 for untagged unsearchable posts that they had to have scrolled back months in my blog to find. i was in a fandom at the time that had a LOT of people like that and there were many other people who got worse and had proshippers being wildly racist to them. they say curate your online experience and then throw a fit when you actually do.

Hi i'm sorry I didn't respond to this sooner! I was most likely absorbed entirely in skyrim Once Again.

Yeah, the proship movement has a tendency to harbor the absolute worst people in fandom circles and when you say "Hey if your movement is Truly Safe for victims/people of color /disabled folks/kids/etc then why the fresh sam hill fuck are you harboring Actual Racists, Actual Pedophiles, And Actual Horrible People" they take it as "kys lol go die" and not a request to Actually examine how their stances on something as terminally online as shipping discourse and the culture that it founded has sheltered these types of people.

And it's this inaction and refusal to address it in favour of perceiving it as a siege in a war that isn't actually happening (for lack of a better way to word it, no, people aren't out to get you they're asking you to examine your fucking community and WHY so many people feel unsafe around it aside from other reasons) is why I, and so many others, are in dislike of proshipping culture aside from. well. gestures wildly to the rest of it.

They take it as a blow to their egos rather than a genuine honest "Hey if what you ship Truly Is Inconsequential why does the culture you cultivate harbor, say, Actual Offending Pedophiles or Those Pedophiles That Label Themselves As "No-Contact" For Some Reason As If That Makes It Less Bad that are utilizing fandom space and proship culture as a quick and easy way to get targets within their reach?"

Side tangent/note here: Over the years many people have said that I cannot be pro-dark media and anti-proship. These things are not mutually exclusive and many, and I mean MANY people in circles focussing on dark and transgressive media are FULLY AWARE of the connection between reality and fiction (and how they both affect one another, the best way I can word it is that if you focus on one color pallet soon your world will be monochromatic, you gotta learn to focus on all the colors. If you saturate your life with too much "dark" or distressing content it will color your worldview and that is not what life is about) and often emphasize the importance of this distinction.

They also do not go out of their way to overly-romanticize the content they read (the public perception/general society's consumption of Lolita [vladimir nobokov] has been a disaster for the human race. if u think lolita is supposed to be a cute romance story you're misinterpreting the book and need to step back and examine just why you think that way and actually sit down and analyze the book and humbert as a character dear god stop turning it into a cutesy coquette aesthetic, shanespeare has a fucking amazing video talking about it and as an added bonus it's shorter than the typical 4+ hour video essays I often indulge in) as they often know better to do so and shun the people who do, ESPECIALLY when you're talking about books like The Slob (Aron Beauregard, even though that novel is essentially misogyny, homophobia, gore porn, a lot of fatphobia and shit like that and is all-around poorly written)

proshipping culture also relies a lot on a fanfic/fanart medium which is a VASTLY inappropriate place to explore these things (on top of, well, the type of people the culture has a tendency to attract n shit vs transgressive/dark media corners) and People Do Not Want To See Headcanons About Their Favourite Characters Being Rapists And Shit Like That I Promise You You Aren't "Coping" You're Just Making (some not all) People Around You Uncomfortable And Fucking Miserable Because You Decided That Their Comfort Character Is A Shotacon Or Some Shit (and that is before I get into how unless that character is canonically a piece of shit, making x character into a freak is a gross mischaracterization).

People come into fandoms for escapism, or to enjoy characters and stories with people and, yes I am speaking from personal experience here not only as ex-proship but also someone who's been 'round the block when it comes to fandoms.

There is a difference between transgressive lit i.e Lolita and someone writing a fanfic about a father/daughter relationship and not in the wholesome familial way we all know and love. That is knowing your place, understanding that fandom is a WILDLY inappropriate place to explore these things (seriously people, just write an original book! you got it in you clearly! i believe in you and maybe if you do it right you'll write something that's very touching and profound and opens up a lot of conversations!) and that fiction and reality do in fact impact and shape each other in more ways than you'd initially assume.

anyways rant/tangent over, sorry I went on for so long, I'm Very passionate about this discussion despite everything that's happened to me at the hands of it.

[lowkeyorloki]

Does this mean we won't get any more asis content (like oneshots and After August etc...).

I too am mostly over my Loki stage, but I see asis as something completely separate. Really, the only connection to marvel (for me) were the names and a few references (like Principal Thanos).

I really like your writing style. There is such an undercurrent of emotion that made the whole thing come to life for me. It's very special.

I would, therefore, love to be able to read more asis content in whatever form it comes in (be it unfinished oneshots, notes or anything else).

i’m honestly not sure. after august will stay up for now, and i do have oneshot ideas, but i don’t want to promise anything. i do fully understand what you mean when you say that you see asis as something fully separate - because i do too. asis is very very important to me, and i do hope that is clear. as much as i might be ‘over’ loki, asis is always going to be part of me (if not emotionally, always practically. it’s easily the reason my writing skills have stayed sharp).

my guess is that after august will be updated once or twice a year. general loki one shots may come anytime i decide to rewatch his movies. it’s weird. the loki show really killed a lot of my affection for the character. it was hard to see my sexuality portrayed so poorly and see my favorite character’s solo show devolve into this combination of white girlboss feminism and then also just serve as setup for the rest of the mcu. it doesn’t help that i have always hated the multiverse plot, even in the comics. all of these factors add up and really set some mental barriers between loki and the passion i once had for him. i think getting older is part of it too. i started this blog when i was 17, and asis when i was 19. i’m 22 now. i’m graduating college with two degrees this year. i’m just not the same person. the reason asis withstood my lingering/waning feelings for loki is because 1) it is an AU, so it’s inherently separate and 2) i love it so much. i made an entire plot. it helps that the loki/sweetheart relationship isn’t the only thing in the fic: there’s sweetheart’s friendships with nat and wanda, loki’s relationships with jane and thor, and of course, the narvi of it all. i love those aspects of the fic a lot. i think asis made it because it’s not just a loki story.

this is all to say, there are so many factors at play with my continued interaction with loki as a character in my writing. because asis was such a large part of my life, and because i truly not only love, but feel thankful for it, i think after august is going to be sporadically updated. it will be every so often i find that spark again for loki. that affection comes a lot easier for asis loki, because it is different. but the show really did damage my relationship and perception of the character. and it feels stupid to say that, and it also feels silly because i do not go around in my normal life thinking about loki or the show or any of that. it’s just that when i think of loki - when i see someone wearing merch, when i get a comment on one of my works for him on ao3, when i log onto this blog - it just feels off. it has since the first season of loki premiered. i just powered through it because asis needed to be finished.

but now it is finished, and has been for almost a year. there isn’t much to keep me loving loki as much as i used to. the fandom is also pretty intense. people said some rough things about my fics on tiktok and i’ve gotten some weird comments on asis that have absolutely left me feeling bitter. i choose to share my work with y’all, and i don’t need, deserve, or am entitled to praise for that. but negative feedback for works i continued throughout a major pandemic? that left a bitter feeling, and i’m not going to lie about it. there’s absolutely some indignation on my part, a lack of desire to provide content for a group that has been (in my opinion) unnecessarily critical and borderline entitled at some points. that is part of the mental block as well. it’s not fair to punish all of the asis or ao3 readers for the actions of a few people, but… man. i don’t exactly want to do this fandom anymore favors (especially now that i’m dealing with people plagiarizing my work?? that’s a new one). sadly, when i think of the asis experience, it is not all positive.

this is all to say: keep an eye on after august. updates will come, it’s just that nobody - especially not me - will know when. i am also still writing, always will be. right now you can visit me over on @viridescent-din and take a look at my joel one shots. at the moment, they’re all pretty loaded and heavy. if you’re an arcane fan, i have a caitvi fic that might be my most emotional oneshot i’ve written. you can find it on ao3 under the handle arcait.

and if all else fails, send me a DM. i’d be happy to share some of my personal non character related pieces with you. i have short stories, songs, chapters of my novel that will probably never get published, essays i’ve submitted (some that have even won contests at my colleges). if it’s my writing you want, all you have to do is ask.

thank you for this message. i found it very heartfelt, so i really wanted to give you a good response. i hope you’re doing well, wherever you are.

[ro-botany]

I think the thing is, another hot take coming, that the attempt to connect Awakening to Archanea and Jugdral, failed!

It resulted in newer fans being confused over things like the Taguel or the First Exalt, whilst older fans were annoyed that nothing from the ample setting that Kaga had created was really used and it's story was contradicted.

This isn't even getting into the lack of credit to the original writers.

I feel the fandom would be much less divided if Awakening was simply its own world, like many other popular FE games, that simply took some bits from past FE games as inspiration for things.

Personally I feel Awakening's writers were subject to alot of meddling from "creepy marketing guys" that didn't know how a story was done or what the fanbase was like, let alone wanted. Like the sexualization of the female cast (particularly Nowi and Aversa), abandoned plot points and walking back of moral nuance strikes me as the result of this meddling from those kinds of people rather than Awakening's main writers.

This is just my personal opinion and not fact.

Oh, I see! Pretty sure I know exactly which anon this is now.

Anon, I have to question why you are reading this, a Fire Emblem Awakening themed blog, if you dislike Fire Emblem Awakening this much. You don't have to like this game! You genuinely don't! But it's weird of you to keep coming back to the inbox of an enthusiastic fan of it just to tell me how much you think it's poorly written and male-gaze-y.

I like having conversations about FEA. I like having conversations with people who have differing opinions to me about it, too. But you aren't trying to have a real discussion; you're talking at me about points I have already publicly disagreed with and/or said I'm not interested in discussing.

I'm allowed to enjoy the things I enjoy without displays of catholic guilt attached to every post.

If you'll excuse my French: Stop pissing in my cornflakes and either make your own posts or go read a blog about something you actually enjoy.

[xbullseye]

⌾ main ⌾ bio ⌾ face ⌾ muse ⌾ wishlist ⌾

about:

"Your internal compass isn't broken, Dex. It just works better with a North Star to guide you." "What if I can't find one?" "Then you'll rely on our structure. A tidy physical space. A disciplined vocation. You will build your life on pillars of order."

This is a sideblog, and I follow back from my main @grimmusings. Please direct IMs there, since it's easier for me to keep all my messages on one blog. It's also easier to start interactions with me there, where I regularly post open starters and meme prompts. For a full list of rules, see my main. Honesty hour questions will largely be answered IC and treated as anonymous unless signed by a muse.

All details vary based on verse, but in general I write Dex based on the Daredevil show. While I am willing to learn to write with your muse, I am not at all familiar with his comics, and I'll be choosing which of those elements to keep in my portrayal. I really enjoy the humanizing backstory of the show, which as I understand it is quite a bit different from Bullseye's mysterious comics history. Please do not assume things that have happened in the comics have happened to him without running it by me first.

And now, some warnings! Dex is a villain, and I will be writing him as such. Even when he's not actively being a villain, his interactions tend to be manipulative, stalker-ish, and problematic af. This blog will explore themes of abusive households/relationships, psychosis, stalking, and toxic relationships. If you're not comfortable with those, that's perfectly fine, but this isn't the muse for you. Realistically, most of his plots are going to end in fighting, death, or some sort of twisted codependency, but I will check with you before anything major so we can better plot things out. Likewise, if you prefer to plot Dex's death, I'm happy to work with you on that. Being a villain has consequences, but communication is key. All details vary based on verse, and I’m happy to write Dex into AUs and fandom crossovers.

wanted connections:

This is by no means a comprehensive list, and I can roll with most muses as far as basic interactions. I’m happy to ship Dex with other Marvel characters and OCs/fandom crossovers based on chemistry and likely some plotting, since he struggles to make healthy connections.

North Star: For good reason, Dex doesn't trust his own moral compass. He's been encouraged by his therapist to choose a role model for good, what he calls his North Star, to help keep him from slipping into bad habits. Naturally, this can either work very well or very poorly depending on the muse, and I'd love to write both!

Other villains (e.g., Kingpin) can take advantage of this by convincing Dex to believe in them. He feels most himself when he's using his talents and not holding back those destructive impulses.

Good muses (e.g., Julie, Daredevil) can keep Dex on the straight and narrow, whether intentionally or not. However, these relationships also tend to be toxic for the good muse, since he lacks empathy and boundaries.

FBI: Before he goes full dark/no stars, Dex is an FBI agent. Any work connections would be great, with potential crossovers with other agencies like SHIELD or fandoms like Hannibal and You.

default verses:

canon (+/-): Any events taking place during the Daredevil or Punisher timelines.

north star: An AU where Dex has someone to keep him stable before Kingpin's manipulation. In this verse, he is still trying to be good.

full dark / no stars: A post-Daredevil verse where Dex has had extensive surgeries and rehabilitation, his spine fused with adamantium to restore his mobility and make him harder to hurt. He has given up on trying to be good in this verse and seeks revenge on Kingpin.

all the way to the fbi: Any AU or crossover verse where Dex is still working as an FBI agent, with morality on a sliding scale.

multiverse!madness: Various comics universes collide, whether Marvel/DC/etc. have always existed on the same Earth, or other-dimension shenanigans are at work. Duplicate friendly!

verses by request only:

I'm happy to write these, but since they're more specific AUs, I don't default on them for asks/memes. Please feel free to request them.

hydra!verse: Instead of joining the FBI after his military service, Dex is recruited to SHIELD and is eventually a part of STRIKE, where he defects to HYDRA.

avatar credit here

[some-movies-ive-seen]

We’re doing music on this blog too now. Todays album:

Let Her Burn

By Rebecca Black

Rating 4/10. Maybe 3. TLDR: Overall the songs are mostly very short and all blend in just a little too much, I could play the entire album and almost not know when one songs ends and another begins. The lyrics are truly nothing to write home about. The production was very basic (assuming professional producers were hired), like there was no pushing the limits or actually trying to find something unique apart from some poorly executed tempo variations. Doe Eyed is probably the most well done, the production is tight, the lyrics are ok, vocals fine. I’d give this album a skip. If you’re really into keeping up with celebrities and want to know all about RB then I reckon just read the lyrics and you’ll be fine? FYI this mini review is only focussing on the tracks, I’m not sending any negativity toward RB the person.

1. “Erase You” - This one might grow on me? It’s very basic though. Terribly basic. I totally get the appeal some gays might have to it, it’s very “typical long bass with higher freq synth arpeggiations”, which I think is the reason ‘Into You’ (Ariana grande) was so popular with the white American gays. The vocals are lacking for the style she’s apparently trying to go for. But she definitely can sing, if there’s any pitch correction it’s hardly noticeable (except for where they intentionally went for an auto-tuney effect).

2. “Destroy Me” - not a big fan of this one. Sounds like something grimes would’ve written/produced back in the mid 2010’s. Actually song 1 also sounds like something from the producers of Grimes earlier songs. The lyrics are honestly.. they sound like something a very young musician would’ve written. The (Amen Break?) is not doing anything for this track, it’s a great rhythm dgmw, but I would’ve gone for something else because it’s clashing too much and not helping achieve whatever serious vibe I think they were going for?? Again her vocals are ok, in the times there’s less background sounds that take away from them.

3. “Misery Loves Company” - overproduced, but somehow underproduced at the same time. Way too many conflicting layers. The descending drone thing is really clashing with those fat juicy chords, and other elements sound like they’re just being added to account for an emptiness that would’ve been better left alone. Again the lyrics… “I got a graveyard of all the failed loves that I’ve paid in blood” :\ it sounds like the only effort put into this song was spent on the chorus.

4. “Crumbs” - catchy actually. So far this is the only song with time synced lyrics. There’s a high pitched static noise that comes frequently (again when you’re just trying to add little pieces you end up with way too much noise) and it’s physically painful, it doesn’t serve the track, the way it’s currently being used. I would’ve used it maybe during just certain sections of the song, novelty is also nice. The “bad bad bad bad bad” (refrain?) is just.. man I don’t even know. It sounds like a first year arts major was experimenting in a new DAW. It’s so jarring, it comes out of nowhere and then we just go back into the normal bop vibe.

5. “Doe Eyed” - oh I like the way this one was done. Oh yes. Someone fucked up though. From around 13 seconds in, “maybe you (weird fast forward) feel the same”, I thought it was the connection to my headphones but nah. Ignoring who RB is as a person (as far as I know, which isn’t a lot), this track is tight, and consistent. The lyrics are mostly pretty good, the production is nice and simple, there are less ‘beat experiments’, whatever they add (in terms of layering etc) fits well and really helps pace the track and give it a direction. Not a fan, but this track is pretty well done.

6. “Sick To My Stomach” - oh yay more time synced lyrics. *sigh*. It’s just safe. Some of the previous songs at least tried something (even though it probably could’ve been implemented better), but this just… some “ooh ooh” background vocals, simple synths and bass. It feels like I’m drinking room temperature water that’s been left out for a few days.

7. “What Am I Gonna Do With You” - weak lyrics. Things like “why don’t you slip inside .. my mind .. if you can find your way out I promise there’ll be a prize” it comes off as if she’s singing for a carnival but she doesn’t know it. Ok production though, mostly. But again it’s just the standard drums, guitar, some vocal stacking. This song could not exist and it wouldn’t do anything to the album.

8. “Cry Hard Enough” - interesting vox. Ok.. ok…. I swear to god that’s the Amen Break again.. or modified at least. Yea this is nicely done I like this track I’ll probably give it another listen. When they repeat the chorus though there’s too much occupying the same frequency range as her vocals though it kinda takes away. I think filling out maybe the bass a bit more would’ve served it better. Ugh but then again the lyrics bring it down it sounds like parts of it were written by a wannabe YA author “the thought of myself FEELING broken makes my heart sink and I FEEL small. As though I’m stranded in an airport (?????) I really thought that you should know”. Um.

9. “Look At You” - More TSL. Sounds like the previous songs. Actually all of them sound the same.. Nice vocals in this one though. Oh nice synths, very Stranger Things. It sounds like this was produced by whoever did that flash in the pan girl “I got my drivers license yesterday, just like you said we would” etc. It seems like that’s the vibe they’re trying to go for, but there’s elements which pull it in other directions completely. Very nice outro piano.

10. “Performer” - “I’m a performer (guitar strumming) got myself cornered”. Girl what. Oh hey Lauren Aquilina helped with this too, you should check out some of her songs they’re really neat. Oh no this song is really not it. I completely understand that many songwriters use this medium to relay what they’d write in their personal diaries, but a truly talented and skilled artist is able to transform their diary entries into powerful songs. This is not that. This is like someone giving a powerpoint presentation and reading every single word off the slide behind them. God it ends so abruptly, there was no variation (mainly vocally), it felt like the same one line being sung for 3 minutes.

[nanowrimo]

5 Tips for Finishing Your Novel

April’s session of Camp NaNoWriMo is drawing to a close, and you might find yourself nearing the end of your novel. If you need some tips on writing and polishing the ending of your story, author Derek Murphy is here to share a few! Plus, you can check out the rest of our novel-finishing resources on our #NaNoFinMo page. 

You won NaNoWriMo and have a 50k collection of scenes and sentences, but how do you clean it up and get it done? How do you make sure it’s finished, satisfying and enjoyable? Here are 5 powerful strategies for finishing your novel and some helpful writing tips that will push you past the finish line.

1. Give it a satisfying resolution.

In order to have a powerful story, your book should probably focus on a main character’s change or transformation. There’s an inner war, a.k.a. the character’s emotional healing, and an outer war: the conflict that forced the reckoning. If it’s a purely symbolic internal realization, you can mirror that with actual conflict in the real scene: the breaking of a dish, a fit of rage, a sudden ray of sunlight (or a storm… this should not be pleasant; It’s a breaking point and spiritual death/rebirth).

You can clarify the moment of change by setting up an illustrative contrast, a before and after, that shows how those internal changes have resulted in real-world consequences or benefits. Each character’s unique challenge will match their personal weakness or fear. The price for victory is the one thing they have so far refused to do, or something they cannot give up or bear to lose.

Make sure your protagonist has gone through a transformative struggle to arrive at deep insights, knowledge or awareness. Find a way to deepen the incidental scenes so that they become instrumental to a deeper purpose, leading towards an identity-shifting event.

The plot is what happens, and it’s important. But you can make it more dramatic and meaningful by making sure you demonstrate how hard it was and what it cost. It matters, it is remarkable, because it forced your protagonist to change.

Your conclusion might include:

Physical tension as allies perform a tug-of-war battle against resistance, that shows how difficult this struggle is, and how much force is required.

The consideration phase, as characters are tempted last minute or the price for victory is revealed: the sweet memories that give them awareness that this fight is worth the cost or risk (you need to show them making the choice, knowing what they will lose).

The final flashback, as the full backstory is revealed so we can see exactly why this conflict is so difficult or meaningful for the main character.

2. Add (unresolved) conflict.

Your story is made up of the events and scenes, where something happens. Each new event will push the characters further into the plot. Slow scenes where nothing is really happening can be red flags, so the first thing to focus on is increasing conflict, drama, suspense and intrigue. This is what creates urgency. The full reveal, demonstrating why THIS challenge is so difficult and powerful, should happen just before the final battle or resolution.

You want to make sure every scene, especially in your conclusion, has enough conflict. I recommend these three:

Outer Conflict (threats): Challenges or obstacles that prevent the character from achieving goals.

Inner Conflict (doubts): Moral struggles, decisions, guilt or shame, anger.

Friendly Fire (betrayal): Strong disagreements between allies or supporting characters. 

You want to extend and deepen the potential conflict, without resolving it too easily. The biggest destroyer of conflict is conversation: when your characters just sit around and talk to each other. Most conflict involves a lack of information, and a desire for clarity. A lot of conflict is perceived or imagined.

The most important information needs to come last, and come at a great price. The information that has an emotional impact, and influences their actions and decisions, should be big reveals at dramatic peaks. A surprise or twist should be treated as an event: each scene is leading towards a change or new piece of information that provokes the protagonist to respond.

3. Fill plot holes with character motivation.

After you’ve made sure that “what actually happens” is intriguing (opening questions and raising tensions without resolving them) you can focus on making sure the plot holes are filled, and characters are properly motivated – these two things are usually adjacent.

You can find and fill plot holes by asking:

Why are the characters doing this?

Why does any of it matter?

Basically, readers need to respect the main characters enough to care what happens to them, so their choices and actions need to make sense within the given information. If there’s a simpler, easier solution, readers will get stuck up on “why didn’t they just…”? To fix plot holes and gaps in logic or continuity, or make the story go where you need it to, you can add urgency, fix the mood of the scene (bigger stakes require bigger justifications), show characters in a weakened mental state, or raise concerns but have them dismissed, with an excuse or justification.

You need rational characters to make plausible choices that lead to dire consequences. You need show why they don’t do something easier, or nothing at all, or why they face clear challenges, despite potential obstacles.

They’ll also require a deeper motivation, for why they’re willing to put themselves in identity-destroying conflict, rather than just giving up or running away. Why do they stay in THIS fight, when they’ve run from similar ones? If they weren’t ready at the beginning, why are the ready now – what changed in them, as a result of your story’s journey?

Your protagonist needs to have a strong, consistent internal compass, and it needs to be revealed through incidents that establish their character. This is who they are. Without this reliable core identity, we won’t be able to tell a story that forces them to change. 

4. Let readers picture your story with detailed description.

In the final stages of revision, you can begin improving the description with specific details.

It’s smart to start – or end – a chapter with a vivid, immediate scene. You want to leave readers with an image they can see in their minds, hopefully connected to the feeling you aim to evoke. You can close a chapter with a reference back to a motif or image, with a deeper or more reflective context; applying meaning to the metaphor. This will help readers feel engaged, be moved, and leave a lasting impact.

Vivid scenes are mostly a matter of detailed description, so add the specifics about the story environment. Be precise, not vague. Instead of “she put a plate of tea and snacks on the table” you can write “she gently placed an antique porcelain teapot on the table. I could smell it was Earl Grey from the scent of bergamot. The half-sleeve of Oreos and can of onion-flavored Pringles seemed incongruous with the fancy dishes, but I knew she was making an effort to welcome me.”

Focus on the sensations and feelings; but also zero-in on any potential sources of conflict or internal emotions or states of mind. In my example above, the host might be nervous or ashamed of her spread; or perhaps she has a degenerative brain disease and doesn’t notice the incongruity. Tensions are unspoken, potential sources of negative feelings. They hover in the background of your description.

Readers will remember the pictures you put in their heads, not the words on the page.

Description should serve and be bound to the story, not distract from it.

It should be squeezed into and around the scene action, when the protagonist is using or exploring.

Show what’s different, not what’s the same.

Leave space for readers to fill in the gaps, but get them started in the right direction so they aren’t surprised later.

Sidenote: be careful about your metaphors, analogies and similes. Each one will put a picture into readers’ minds, and it can quickly get overcrowded with imagery. You’re asking them to ignore your real scene and think of something else. Use them to confirm and amplify the scene you have, and limit distractions.

5. Prepare to publish.

Typos are bad, but perfectionism will ruin you. This section is about editing and proofreading, but I don’t have time for all that, and you don’t either. The real problem with a story is rarely the number of typos. A very clean book isn’t better if people stop reading.

You can solve a lot of common writing problems, with my big list of 25 common writing mistakes, and self-edit your manuscript to make it as good as possible. After that, a copyeditor or proofreader isn’t always the best investment (and it can also be the biggest publishing cost).

Instead, use an editing software (I like Grammarly) to root out obvious mistakes, but don’t dwell on the small stuff like perfecting every word or rearranging the commas. Spending a very long time wrestling a poorly-written manuscript in shape is less effective than getting something (actually) done to the point where you’re comfortable sharing it.

This may be difficult at first, but you can’t learn and improve without genuine reader feedback (from people who aren’t your mom or best friend; nor the short-sighted opinions of a self-proclaimed literature enthusiast). You need to find readers who enjoy your particular genre, and the sooner you find them, the more valuable feedback you can get.

Shorten the feedback loop: Get over the fear and focus on learning by getting feedback early and often. However, this doesn’t just mean joining a writer’s club: writers are brutal and might focus on trivial things. The safest bet is to make it public, on Wattpad at least. Or get a cheap cover and throw it up on Kindle, Draft2Digital or even your own blog.

Making it public is scary and vulnerable, but it’s better than letting the fear of messing up keep you from the brutal, necessary experience of allowing readers to tell you what they liked and disliked about your writing. Will some people be critical? Yes! But guess what, you’ll get negative reviews even if you’re a brilliant, famous writer. Those are inevitable. And the first negative reviews may teach you more about writing than 10 years attempting to self-edit, afraid of putting your book out into the world.

PS. You can use resources, like my 24-chapter plot outline, as a way to spot story gaps in your manuscript and improve the structure (especially if your book suffers from a “soggy middle.)

Derek Murphy has a PhD in Literature, writes urban fantasy and is the founder of the alliance of young adult authors. More recently, he’s started sharing writing tips on http://www.writethemagic.com

Top photo by Adegbenro Emmanuel Dipo on Unsplash.

[veliseraptor]

Been thinking a lot lately about the twin jades and the dehumanising aspect of high expectations/perceived perfection- when people put you so high on a pedestal they don't seem to see you as a person anymore- and how that fits with the overall theme of reputation/perception within the series- and i would be interested if you have any thoughts on that bc your perspective is always really interesting

oh yeah!!! this is the good shit anon, thank you, I feel like I do not talk enough about the Twin Jades on this blog but I love both of them very much. and this is a whole thing that I also love. In general everything about MDZS/CQL and the way it looks at perception and reputation and how that can shape and define a person even against their will, that’s a narrative kink and a half for me.

and that is, you’re right, very much a part of the Twin Jades. 

Like. Lan Wangji has his whole Statue Carved of Jade thing going on where he very much is like. “I am aloof and do not engage with people and do not like people and will operate according to my own strict code of conduct as a guide to moving through the world, because I am on the inside a human being who was very poorly socialized and also just not particularly good at people, and also have a lot of feelings but that seems like kind of a problem with me as a person.” 

Lan Wangji has so many feelings, you guys. He’s just constantly trying to not express them because expressing too many feelings is bad. 

But this also means that he struggles to connect with people. Like, he would anyway, regardless, I just don’t think Lan Wangji is a people person, but also the more that people hold him up as an idol the harder that gets. It means that he’s - yeah, not human, which means that people don’t relate to him as a person. They relate to him as a symbol, or a thing to project their expectations onto. (The way that Su She, for instance, talks about Lan Wangji.) This is why I think Wei Wuxian’s persistent use of Lan Zhan is so important - for so many people I think Lan Wangji will always be Hanguang-jun, forgetting that there’s a person under the title.

So connecting with other people is even harder than it would be for Lan Wangji already. 

and then there’s Lan Xichen. Poor conflict-averse Lan Xichen, shoved into leadership too young, Zewu-jun, overflowing with generosity and grace. That near-permanent smile. Diplomatic to a fault. In some ways I think Lan Xichen even more than Lan Wangji is so very, painfully conscious of this pressure and the expectations on him. Every one of his actions has consequences, every little move he makes is potentially dangerous not just to himself but to the sect he has to lead. And his authority, too, rests partly on that reputation. If he didn’t have it, then that would weaken Gusu Lan. 

Lan Xichen is trying to carry a lot of things on his shoulders, and he has to do it while making it seem effortless. A jade statue of his own, though his is smiling, and warm. If Lan Wangji is all walls, Lan Xichen is all open doors. And of course the cost of that is a lack of privacy, is a lack of personal space, is a relative lack of boundaries. 

And he, too, is less a person than a symbol, which means that he can’t be seen to be impatient, or to be angry, or, in some ways, to have needs or wants of his own that he can’t set aside for the good of others. Ever benevolent, ever gracious, and he can’t let that image waver. Lan Xichen doesn’t get room to be a person. If Lan Wangji is too isolated, Lan Xichen could do with a little more isolation. 

I’d be interested in some analysis of the ways in which both Lan Xichen and Jiang Yanli are very much givers in the same way they’re also both conciliators. And for both of them it’s not entirely healthy. 

Anyway, that line about “fire from the front, ice from the side”? Spoken about Lan Wangji, maybe - but it fits both the Twin Jades very well, just in different ways and from different directions.

[annethepancake]

Sherlock rant

I recently rewatched BBC Sherlock for Rupert Graves, and aside from the lack of Lestrade appreciation I have a lot of problems with this series. Here are my thoughts:

1. It was all a blur

My second first impression of the show: I don't remember anything but the characters. And some characters I just blatantly forgot, like Mary. And I loved Mary on my second watch! I really forgot that at one point John actually got married and I don't even remember when I watched the show for the first time. I can still recall most of HIMYM's events and I hated that series.

2. It’s overall not a detective/crime show

Watching Sherlock for the second time, I mostly turned off my brain and just let it play in the background because (1) there's hardly anything for me to solve with the characters, most clues are taken by Sherlock off-screen anyway (especially after season 2), (2) they focus way too much on the quirks of the characters that make it almost like a sitcom that got dragged on for way too long. A crime/detective show shouldn't allow me to turn off my brain.

3. The characters just kinda fall flat

Exploring the depth of human emotions is not a bad approach to a modernized version of anything, I’m not trying to pretend I’m better than someone who gets sentimental over fictional character (if you know my blog at all, you know I am not), but at least write good characters. Sherlock is hardly a multi-faceted person; in fact, he’s kinda like the Wattpad teen fic main character sometimes. He physically fights off some terrorists with a machete to save the damsel in distress? He gets high off his tits but still got everything right all the time? John is just kinda there for most of the cases. Jim is a poorly written antagonist. Irene is a lesbian but gets the hot for our main character, surprise surprise. The only interesting characters to me are the ones who act like normal people: Molly, Greg and Mary. They are the multi-faceted characters, ones who I can actually relate to without feeling inferior to them in any way. Write characters like them, stop trying to be smart about it and stop writing Wattpad fanfictions for Sir Conan Doyle’s original works.

I get that they try to make Sherlock more like a human with emotions, making him quirky and arrogant, then make him quirky and more likable. It’s hardly a convincing character development though. He’s given over-powered deduction skills, so edgy, so high and mighty all the time. When he is finally written as vulnerable, turns out he has plans for that too. I would love to see him get it wrong once and maybe get humbled by that mistake, but getting Mary shot and killed is hardly even his fault, he is only doing his job. And killing off Mary is overall a bad idea anyway.

4. They treated the fandom like shit

I was absolutely disgusted at the start of season 3 when the showrunners just straight up shat on their fans. I wasn't there with the fandom during the wait between season 2 and 3, but I believe it was a pretty long wait (2 years, I could barely wait 2 years for my comfort series, and they have like 10 episodes per season), and they were presented with the first actual mystery of the series: How did Sherlock survive the fall? After years of waiting and having fun theorizing, they were met with a mockumentary about them, starring the most hated character of the protagonist and the fans. Those are the people who actually cared about the show for god's sake. The fact that the showrunners treated fans like crap and there's still an active fandom for the show appalled me.

Now not only The Empty Hearse bugs me, but the entire show does as well.

Allow me to digress.

Doki Doki Literature Club is a great example of audience engagement done right (Sorry for using this example I’m not actually that invested in the other franchises). After the success of the first game, the story provoked so many fans into solving the mysteries of the characters, some of them went really, really far. And that’s because of the actual mysteries that the development team took effort to plant into the plot. There is actual pay-off for painstakingly following the clues; as far as I know, only two (2!) people in the world have come close to solving the mystery of the first game (or they actually did). The game developers value their fans and their intelligence enough to have planted those clues where they did, and it’s a genuine exchange between the fans and the creators. Now even though you haven’t actually played the game, when you hear of the name and you’re only kinda familiar with gaming (like me), you’ll probably know what it is. What started as a mere open-source game by an indie developer became a sensation which left millions of fans begging for more.

Looking back at Sherlock, there are tons of logical flaws for a self-proclaimed crime series, virtually no clues for the audience to solve crimes along with their favorite detective, and when there was actually a mystery (Sherlock jumped off the building), they plainly showed him alive and well minutes later. Do we really need to see things spelled on screen to know what’s going on? Are we supposed to accept that Sherlock Holmes is an all-knowing future-predicting genius now too? Not a great sign of respecting the audience there.

So far, the only thing left that’s interesting about this series is the characters’ dynamic. Which brings me to the next criticism I have for the show.

5. The plague that infested mainstream media

Why is there still an active fandom? Queerbaiting and targeted marketing.

Community marketing is proven to be one of the best marketing methods there is, if not the best, to lengthen the lifespan of a product or service. The way they do that for shows and films and video games is usually by planting seeds of possible lores and history inside the content. Look at Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, they are franchises that ran for multiple years with a ton of history and world building that provokes fans’ imagination.

Sherlock - well, Sherlock has sexually ambiguous men.

Sherlock has a formula for success. It was an adaptation of the most iconic detective novel in the world, funded by one of the biggest TV networks in the UK and possibly the world (don’t quote me on this). Making this series means you can appeal to such a wide group of audience even before airing. Adding in the quirky smart men who live together, you’ve basically guaranteed a prime-time show with millions of loyal fans all over the world.

Fans are not stupid, and queer people don't just find queerness everywhere they go. They know a gay subtext when they see one. Sherlock came back from the literal death for John, pretty gay if you ask me.

This show is very much not just about some guys being dudes solving crimes, they have relationship that’s deeper than friendship, and definitely not platonic. They deliberately wrote a sexually ambiguous Sherlock Holmes from the get-go - literally from the very first episode, then capitalized off of the targeted demographic, never a pay-off for their anticipation. Martin Freeman said in interviews that he could recognize Sherlock fans, them being generally women from 16 - 25. No shit Sherlock, this show targets them and capitalizes off of them, being quirky and gay as hell, of course the fanbase is generally 16 - 25 and female.

Sherlock queerbaited the fandom for years for the sake of marketing and there’s never a pay-off, nor was there any recognition to the community, and to add to all that bigotry, queercoding pretty much all of the villains? Why was a show aired in the 2010′s allowed to do this? Why did Mark Gatiss, an openly gay man, a writer of the show, allow this to happen? Why are millions of fans all over the world allowing all this to go on?!

6. Conclusion

Now I haven’t read the books yet, so I’m not at all qualified to criticize the adaptation quality of the TV series; I’m just talking about the TV series on its own. Despite my criticism, I think the first two seasons did quite okay. There are quite a few nice cases there, I like The Blind Banker and The Hound of Baskerville. They did those well because the focus was on the cases themselves, and the connection between John and Sherlock was only in the background. I, like many other fans, like to figure things out on my own, to read between the lines, and to not have things spelled out for me. With the next seasons bombarded with Sherlock and John bonding it seriously felt like mere fan service for me and even though I wasn’t there when the show was on, I still felt like I was robbed and my interest in the show was abused.

Sherlock is undoubtedly super influential in pop culture even now. It has to have done something right to be in that spot (capitalizing off loyal fans?). I’m not writing this rant to change someone’s mind about the series, by all means, I’m still gonna love the hell out of Gavin Lestrade, and absolutely lose my mind over Mary Watson. So do take my words with a grain of salt, I’m just disappointed that one of the most influential shows there is is just short of my expectations.

[mbti-notes]

Hi, I’m from post 649288793015386112. I didn’t do a good job of elucidating the nuances surrounding my question. That’s my aim here. The deal is that I don’t “lack in judgement” in other areas of life. In other cognitive contexts I operate off of the framework that there is an optimal answer that can be derived by critical analysis whether it comes to which distinctions can be made, whether something is rooted coherently, or what have you. 1/8

I'm not going to copy the rest of your message because of the length. Your detailed explanation was helpful for giving me a better idea of what’s going through your mind.

If you are INTP, you should know that Ti-Si loop is a major development problem. You can conceptualize it as a closed system. It doesn't have any meaningful interaction with the external world and it isn't subject to any external forces. When a system is closed, what information moves through it? The only thing available is old information. Old info is input, reused, repurposed, recycled, regurgitated, and then output in worse condition than when it started. You try to jimmy and reconfigure what little you know, every which way, in hopes of finally discovering the solution to the problem that plagues you. The result? A recurring problem. Or worse case scenario, a recurring problem that becomes more severe over time.

When you make a mistake or meet a failure, a closed system can't learn from it. Why? Because a closed system can't get to the root of the problem. If you don't address the root cause, you can't come up with a good solution. To truly get to the root of a problem often requires a complete change in perspective, i.e., a massive structural change to the system itself. You subtly externalize the problem by believing that feelings/people are inexplicably difficult to understand when you should be asking yourself why the system that you use to understand the problem never outputs a successful solution. As you put it, you keep using T to solve F problems. It's nonsensical. Why would you use T to solve F problems when F problems are best solved by using F? I suppose the problem has now recurred enough times that you're finally reaching out to get a new perspective. That's a glimmer of progress.

If you are INTP, using F is risky because it's the inferior function. Thus, the remedy to Si loop is auxiliary Ne development (it is explained in the study guides, so read them). Ne development requires you to entertain NEW possibilities, gather NEW information, and learn NEW ways of looking at the situation. In your analytical process, you somehow always manage to convince yourself that you're trying a “new” method to tackle the problem, but it isn't really new. It's always the same T system in a bad wig. When Ne is poorly developed, you believe that you have the ability to entertain various possibilities, but you don't realize that your imagination is severely limited. In other words, the more immature Ne is, the more blind you are to new possibilities.

Most of the INTPs I've gotten close to have always been kind, helpful, and morally principled people. Sure, inferior Fe makes them quite slow to process information about feelings and social issues, but it doesn't ultimately stop them. They never use inferior Fe as an excuse to relinquish their social and moral responsibilities. You said: "I don’t know why people feel the way they do, and it really isn't an area of interest". It sounds like the real problem isn't inferior Fe but actually something more akin to willful ignorance.

"A person is commonly called willfully ignorant about a matter when he persistently ignores the topic despite its likely salience and even resists learning about it or assimilating facts that bear on it... Willful ignorance connects being ignorant of something with ignoring that thing. Ignoring involves a refusal of attention." (source: Understanding Ignorance: The Surprising Impact of What We Don't Know)

You basically say that emotional life and social life are unimportant or uninteresting to you. It is no wonder, then, that you know nothing about them. People don’t bother to learn when they don’t care. And yet you still (arrogantly) claim to know the general idea of how people's brains work when you really don't. It seems that you want to go through life only caring about the things that you choose to care about and ignoring all the things that you don't want to care about. This is called small-mindedness and it is what makes Ti-Si loop a huge obstacle to personal growth. And if you reach the point of being irrationally resentful about being “forced” to care about things you don’t want to care about, then Fe grip is not far off. If everyone was so small-minded, the world would be worse off. There would be no one like me willing to help out someone like you simply out of kindness.

I intend for my blog to be used by people who are fully ready, willing, and committed to change. Be honest. Are you really willing to change your mind? I don't offer people quick fixes. When it comes to self-help for psychological issues, if you want to learn and improve something, you must learn it for the right reasons. Otherwise, you just end up using bandaids that either don't really last or don't really solve anything. You've already cycled through "surface-level fixes" so many times. You give the impression that you fundamentally don't care about the thing that you're asking me about. You're only asking because it has come to bother you. That's not a real commitment to change.

To understand interpersonal relationships and navigate them successfully, you must: 1) understand emotional life and be committed to improving your own emotional intelligence, 2) be emotionally invested in the lives of others, and 3) have the moral capacity to see people as individuals, each deserving of special consideration (as opposed to just interchangeable objects). When you meet those criteria, you’ll have the right intention for learning. There are plenty of resources out there about improving social skills, including how to build relationships, and how to avoid relationship pitfalls. I’ve already written a lot about it and provided book suggestions for in depth learning. However, if you try to apply those ideas now, when your intention is merely for your own benefit, all the while keeping your closed T system intact, then you will have completely missed the point about what it means to be in a relationship.

To put it more bluntly: 1) If you don't want to pay attention to social interactions, then why would you expect them to go well for you? Do you think that socializing should just magically go well without any attention or effort from you? 2) If you don't care about emotional well-being, then why should anyone care about yours? Is it not hypocritical to expect people to be moral toward you when you treat them with little more than indifference?

When you don’t recognize that you exist in the social world, have an effect on the social world, and care about the social effects you produce, then you signal to people that you are nothing of note in the social world. And people treat you accordingly. You could change that at any time by choosing to care. Then the real learning can finally begin.

[omoi-no-hoka]

Hello! I'm sorry if this has been asked before, but how do you become proficient at handling conversations in Japanese/handling grammar very well? I read your post on the JLPT, and it addressed issues I have been tip toe-ing around--indeed, passive actions such as listening or reading are easier than the active ones. How did you go about that? Did you write a bunch of sentences daily? Did you have a conversation partner? What would you rec. to someone who lives outside Japan? Thank you!

This is an excellent question, and one that I get asked a lot irl by Japanese people in particular. Let’s talk about gaining fluency and the ways we can go about it!

How to Gain Fluency in Japanese (and Other Languages)

Speaking Fluency versus Accuracy

Language proficiency is divided into two separate categories:

Fluency: Although there are no widely agreed-upon definitions or measures of language fluency, someone is typically said to be fluent if their use of the language appears fluid, or natural, coherent, and easy as opposed to slow, halting use. In other words, fluency is often described as the ability to produce language on demand and be understood.

Accuracy: Correctness of language use, especially grammatical correctness and word choice.

By the above definitions, a “fluent” speaker may make grammatical mistakes, but they can speak without having to stop and think too much about conjugations, word choice, etc.

An “accurate” speaker can speak with nearly zero grammatical/word choice mistakes. However, the speed of their utterances isn’t generally taken into account, so it could take an “accurate” person twice as long to articulate the same idea as a “fluent” person. 

Ideally, you need to strike a good balance between these two qualities when speaking. I have a boss, God bless him, who is 100% fluency and 0% accuracy and…man is it hard to understand what he’s saying sometimes, but he can generally get his point across just barely. I have another coworker who is 100% accuracy and takes about 3 minutes to form a sentence because he wants it to be perfect. 

How to Increase Speaking/Writing Accuracy

First, let’s talk about the easiest thing to improve, which is accuracy. It’s also (in my opinion) the least fun thing to improve, because it means grammar books and vocabulary memorization. 

You can only use a language accurately if you know what is correct and what is incorrect, and you can only learn that by studying grammar and vocabulary (or if you’re a native speaker and picked it up innately, you lucky bastard).

So here’s some things you can do to increase your accuracy:

For example, if you’re having a hard time using the passive, you need to review that part of your textbook and find some exercises to drill it into your head. 

Say the correct thing aloud. Lots. Sometimes I just walk around my apartment and narrate everything I see/do like a crazy person, but that’s good practice. 

Write example sentences using the grammar you’re struggling with and say them aloud too. 

There’s a bunch of cool apps that connect you with native speakers that can help correct you too! I used to use HelloTalk, I think. 

If you’re a creative soul, when I was studying for the JLPT, I took 1 grammar point and 5 vocabulary words from my JLPT study books and used them to write a 2-page short story about the adventures of ネギ, a stray black cat that smelled like green onions because she napped in an onion field. Then I had a Japanese friend check it over for me and mark mistakes. I hand-wrote them to improve my abysmal handwriting at the same time. It was really fun! I sometimes think about doing it again just for funsies.

When someone corrects you, don’t feel like your entire life is over and you’re a failure and you’ll never get it right haha. I’ve seen people fall into that hopeless mindset, and that’s just nonsense. It’s a good opportunity for learning and nothing more! Say the correct thing you’ve just been taught out loud, then write it down if you can. And, if possible, find a chance to use it in conversation asap.

How to Increase Speaking/Writing Fluency

Now this is the hard one. Especially for those learners who do not have native speakers nearby. 

I’m going to be dead honest with you. I started formally studying Japanese at uni, and I had a Japanese roommate/best friend since year one. I had a 4.0 GPA in my Japanese classes (and only my Japanese classes lol) because I was and still am a MEGA NERD about it. 

...But it wasn’t until I studied abroad in Japan my 4th year of uni that I gained fluency. 

There are a lot of things that can hold us back from fluency. An interesting thing I’ve noted is that Foreign Language is perhaps the only subject in which a student’s personality can directly affect their progress. To gain fluency, you have to go forth and speak, but if you are naturally a shy person, that is going to hinder you. If you are the kind of person who takes mistakes/failures poorly, you will be less likely to take risks and try to say harder sentences. In contrast, you can get full marks in math regardless of the above personality traits. 

I’m not saying that you have to be an outgoing explosion of a human being in order to gain fluency. But what I am saying is that you have to be willing to seek out conversations, and you have to be willing to take chances. Get out of your comfort zone. Use that new word you picked up the other day. Try to explain something that is difficult for you. 

My problem was that, while I lived with a native speaker who would have happily taught me anything I asked, her English proficiency was much higher than my Japanese proficiency. And when I struggled to say something in Japanese, I’d fall back onto English. And when she told me something I didn’t understand in Japanese, she’d repeat it in English instead of Japanese, because that was easier for us both. The same thing happened when I was in Japanese class as well. I always had the assurance that I could fall back on English.

But when I elected to study abroad in Japan for 3 months, I knew that this was my big chance. So on the host family form in the “other requests” area, I wrote that I specifically wanted a host family that could not speak English. I was setting fire to my crutches, and I was scared but excited to see them burn. 

By the end of my three months in Japan, I had gone from “Chotto matte kudasai” and needing a minute to form my reply, to “Okay, yeah I see that movie too and I liked the action scenes, but I didn’t care for the story little.” (I’ve underlined mistakes that I would have made in Japanese, to show you that I sacrificed some accuracy to obtain higher fluency.)

So, in short, the easiest and quickest way to increase your spoken fluency is to throw away all the crutches you can and use the language as much as possible. Every single day. Even if you’re just having an imaginary conversation with yourself! And like I said, there are a bunch of cool apps that connect you with Japanese people who want to learn English and you can do language exchanges with them. I had a lot of fun with those in the past. 

As for increasing writing fluency...well. That’s a tough question with Japanese, because I can type Japanese at like 100 wpm, but my Japanese handwriting fluency is at a 10/100. I can read and type at the level of a native Japanese high school student, but I can only write the kanji that 7 year old can write. That’s no exaggeration.

The big reason for that dichotomy is that my work is paper-free. 100% of my work is done on screen, so about the only time I have to write out something is when I’m filling out a form, which includes my name (katakana), address, and maybe occupation. 

If you want to increase your Japanese handwriting speed, just keep on writing. Write those little short stories about ネギ like I did, or find some writing prompts (I just started a side-blog with writing prompts yesterday btw) or keep a little diary. Make opportunities to write. 

How to Have Nice Handwriting in Japanese

Okay, full disclaimer: I am the absolute LAST person qualified to talk about this, because I have awful handwriting in Japanese. 

Unless you have prior experience with a different language that uses kanji, or you lack the keen eye of an artist, you will likely struggle to develop neat handwriting. 

Personally, I really like using this app called Japanese Kanji Sensei. It’s on Android (not sure about iOS), and if you pay just a few bucks you can make your own kanji sets and stuff. Anyways, it will show you how to write the characters prettily. It gives you a good frame of reference for what nice, pencil/pen-written characters (versus calligraphy characters). It has hiragana and katakana on it too!

I get a stylus and write out the characters on this app for the muscle memory, so my hands remember the sensation of writing a certain character. (The muscle memory is different if you only use your fingertip.) This muscle memory and repetition is how Japanese people learn how to internalize kanji as well. I really enjoy and recommend this app. I’m sure that there are others out there like it too.

Summary

TL;DR: Review your textbooks, take risks, use every resource available or make your own, and just have fun with it! 💗

[nikkoliferous]

Phase One: Thor

Since I was looking up my past live-blog of the novel and realising how annoying and repetitive reading through it all is because of my having structured it as a bunch of reblogs, I’ve decided to organize it all into one long-ass post instead. In case anyone else wants to read it in the future. Or in case I decide to re-read it. Because I’m hilarious. 😅

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO

My Hilarious Yet Wrathful Overview Of Phase One: Thor, Redux

—

If your son who’s to become king requires a babysitter to not screw it all up and also the idea of him being king is stressful enough to put you into a coma, maybe, uh… reconsider doing that? Just a thought.

But you see here why Odin was so deadset on Thor becoming king, despite him being ill-suited for the role. It’s not about what’s best for Asgard; it’s about personal legacy. Thor is Odin’s mini me, and Loki is very much not. There are places within the text where Odin laments Thor “lacking his father’s wisdom” (he’s definitely inherited your humility, though, Odin!), but he hopes for Thor to grow into a “wise king” like himself. Whereas he holds no such illusions (lol, pun) that Loki will ever take after him.

now with tag commentary! #this scene is in the script and both novelizations #(though in reading this novel seems to just be a more complete version of the junior novel? #idk i'm confused because they're supposedly written by different authors but so far the text is identical) #and it drives me insane each time i read it

“Haha, I’m a warmongering piece of shit, isn’t it funny?”

I know, I know. I try to cut Asgard some slack for being such a militaristic culture because social changes happen slowly and when you live for thousands of years per generation, it makes sense that your views on things like war would be regressive. The text says Odin has ruled Asgard for tens of thousands of years (so much for taking Loki’s “give or take 5,000 years” line literally; sure, the Odinsleep would have extended Odin’s lifespan, but by that much? Idk).

Still, fuck Odin. Especially since he’ll eventually try to shame Loki for doing the same thing he’s fucking boasting about here. And on a much smaller scale too.

…is it, though?

I actually think Loki’s relationship with being the centre of attention is really interesting in its complexity and we don’t discuss it enough. I’ve said this before, but he strikes me as the sort of person who craves attention but also wouldn’t really know what to do with it if he had it. He craves it as a result of neglect, because he’s never been shown recognition or validation. This is why he seems to revel in it in Stuttgart, even in (or maybe especially in?) his brainwashed state. But he also frequently comes across as pretty introverted and has horrible self-esteem, so I think on another level, sustained, genuine attention would make him feel kind of uncomfortable. Loki seems to believe that in order to be loved or respected, he has to literally be Thor, though. And Thor has always been the centre of attention, so for Loki, attention is synonymous with respect.

I find Loki’s relationship with wanting attention especially fascinating because I too both crave and fear it. As a borderline, I need it. When no one is paying attention to me, I lose my sense of identity. I feel as though I literally cease to exist. It’s excruciatingly painful. And yet, I have no authentic sense of self; I’m just a chameleon, and the closer people get to me, the more likely it is they’ll see behind my mask. They’ll realise it’s all a show and that I’m actually no one. And then they’ll leave. I can’t help wondering if that’s how Loki feels sometimes too.

Wait, what? You mean goat. His horns are shaped like a goat’s. This is a ram: 

This is a goat:

This is Loki:

Do you see now? They’re like a goat. Not a ram. Not a cow. A GOAT.

This book was written before Ragnarok was a thing, so it may be unfair to connect the two, but it still seems worth noting that it was Thor who reduced Loki to being no more than a trickster to begin with. “You could be more,” my ass. Loki’s problem has never been that he was one-dimensional; it was always that the people in his life, including Thor, refused to see any other dimensions to him. Which makes those words particularly cruel—as if they aren’t cruel enough already, what with the physical torture and all. 

Always happy to have cause to point out that

Loki was on Thor clean-up duty their whole lives; he certainly was not trying to kill Thor.

People like to point to Loki’s attempted genocide of the Jötnar and attempted(-ish? lol) conquest of Earth as proof that he’s some kind of violent maniac. But in a little place I like to call reality, Loki was historically far less aggressive and bloodthirsty than his peers.

Question: why is one conqueror evil and the other is righteously entitled to ruling over the Nine Realms?

Asgardian exceptionalism FTW

I can’t even begin to imagine what would lead you to expect such a thing, Odin. 😂

Uh, ‘cause it is?? And also their planet is MELTING without it??

This is all only within the first two chapters, btw. Lmao

—

—

—

“Looking for answers,” my foot.

YOU WOULD THINK SO, WOULDN’T YOU??

#i mean unless you knew heimdall #he only commits treason on days that end in y

—

—

What’d I say? Thor clean-up dutyyyyy 

Just wanna remind everyone that this 

is why he’s smiling during this scene 

because it makes me laugh every time. 😂 

—

My heart breaks every time I remember that second excerpt because literally ALL OF IT happened to him when he survived falling through the wormhole. My poor boy. 😭

But also of note… Loki gets cold (and also does not like being cold). This interests me because 1) as many are aware, the prevalent headcanon that Loki has a low body temperature irritates me and 2) it possibly(?) lends weight to the theory that he may not be fully Jötun, whether by virtue of his birth or Odin’s spell.

Haha, look at this Feminist Icon™ trying to take credit for his female friend’s accomplishments! Truly inspiring. 

#for some reason the ragnarok lovers have somehow decided that thor is both a feminist and lesbian icon #whatever that means 🤷‍♀️ #and i'm still trying very hard to figure out why #is it literally just because he *says* he respects women or whatever in that dumb rambly conversation with valkyrie?

Ooh… you were so close to getting the point, Volstagg. So close. Take your tongue off Odin’s boot for just a couple minutes longer.

Also, the author just forgot the name of the Casket. How did this book get published? 😂

JUST LOOKING FOR ANSWERS, HUH?

Because fuck Loki, amirite? He, uh… he’s a prince too, you know.

Also… Fandral, you dweeb 😂

…am I reading too much into this, or did Odin just literally forget that Loki exists?

On the other hand, the author also seemed to forget Loki existed for most of this chapter, so who knows. 🤷‍♀️

lmao @ Jane immediately trying to convince herself she’s too rational to be attracted to a stranger 

Honestly, though, big mood. 

Just your periodic reminder that Thor’s sycophantic friends KNEW Loki was right and decided to throw him under the bus anyway. 

Just as I’ve always said: That was it. That was their ENTIRE rationale. That Loki *could* have done it, therefore he must have. Please tell me these people have nothing to do with Asgard’s justice system.

…lol, jk, Asgard has no justice system.

Ok, first of all, no.

Second: thank you, Fandral. You’re a self-absorbed cad, but also evidently Thor’s least stupid friend.

Thirdly, how…? First, it was, “Loki arranged all this because he’s jealous of Thor.” Now they’ve suddenly jumped all the way to, “All of Asgard is in danger.” What exactly does Sif think Loki is planning? He’s gonna, what… assassinate Odin and then sell Asgard to the Jötnar?

—

Please stop hurting me.

Just so there’s no confusion: this one sentence explains everything Loki did for the rest of the movie. It explains how a person who has been historically non-aggressive suddenly transforms into a warmonger. To prove himself a real Asgardian, like his brother and father and grandfather. 

—

…why did Odin fall into the Odinsleep in two completely different scenes in this book? I’m super confused.

Also, we really need to talk about how cruel it is of Marvel to keep forcing Loki to prove his loyalty again and again and again when he’s been doing so almost literally since we met him. And by “we need to talk about it”, I mean I need to tie Kevin Feige and co. to a chair and spend a minimum of five hours lecturing them on how poorly they understand their own fucking character.

Let’s just be clear here: they’re talking about Loki. They’re saying Loki, their LEGITIMATE king, is an enemy of Asgard, based on evidence so paper-thin it’s practically invisible. Just… please, let that sink in. Take a moment to appreciate how utterly fucked up that is. 

I’m sorry (not really), but Thor was so much funnier before Ragnarok.

This scene has always kind of bugged me. If Odin removed Thor’s powers, how come he can still control the weather? Confusing.

So what exactly was Thor’s plan anyway, before he realised he couldn’t lift Mjölnir? He was just gonna call on Heimdall to help him commit treason AGAIN, show up on Asgard against the expressed command of his king, and… Odin would just shrug and be like, “You got me, son! I guess I can’t keep you down. Welcome home!”?

…I mean, I guess that more or less is what happened in the end, but it’s hard to imagine it would have still gone down that way without all the stuff that happened with Loki. Idk.  

#look what i'm saying is... thor is not exactly a thinking person #no one on asgard is a thinking person #except loki but he's crazy now so he's also thinking somewhat poorly lol

Cool, Thor. Now imagine feeling that way for ONE THOUSAND YEARS and develop a little fucking empathy for your brother.

But you won’t.

You’ll brush off his feelings of worthlessness as “imagined slights”. 😒

Nice that somebody knows how the royal line of succession works, I guess… 

That sound you hear? Yeah, that’s just my heart breaking. NBD. 

First, they mislabelled it the Casket of Eternal Winters. Now it’s the Cask of Ancient Winters. Author must have been thirsty when they wrote this. Lol 

Look, not to nitpick, but this is not the recommended procedure when you see a storm that you don’t believe is of supernatural origin coming. I’m just saying. Lol 

Uh… ‘cause he is?? And your pals are committing treason AGAIN, Thor, so it technically is responding to a threat to Asgard. Just FYI.

Anyways, this is an important point that doesn’t get made often enough. People want to act like Loki illegally usurped the throne somehow, but even without the deleted scene that explicitly shows Frigga passing rulership to him (a scene which is, for some reason, entirely skipped over in this book, but whatever), understand this: Loki could not have controlled the Destroyer unless he was legitimately King of Asgard. The fact that he’s able to do so is irrefutable proof that his rulership is valid.

lmao you little shit

So… here’s my issue with this scene (and with Thor as a character): He always assumes that Loki’s acting out specifically to hurt him. That Loki’s entire life and thought process revolves around Thor. He does it in this scene, he does it in The Avengers… it’s just a chronic thing with Thor. Everything is viewed through the lens of Loki inexplicably hating him.

But that’s… just not accurate. Yes, Loki harbours a lot of jealousy towards Thor. But that’s not what’s happening in this scene. Loki is not trying to kill Thor here because he wants him dead; he’s doing it because Thor (and his friends) are getting in the way of Loki completing his ultimate goal. Loki tried to solve this problem non-violently, by lying about Odin being dead. It’s Thor’s friends who all but forced his hand by going behind his back and trying to bring Thor back to Asgard against Loki’s (and Odin’s!) direct orders.

For all the humility he’s learned in the past few days, this entire speech is still really all about Thor. About assuming that Loki’s doing this for personal reasons, because he holds a grudge against Thor for some unknown reason. This is implicit in his request to “take [my life] and end this.” It never even occurs to him that his friends are traitors to the Crown and Loki, as King of Asgard, is perhaps justified in pursuing them.

It also needs to be acknowledged that Thor’s apology here is hollow, even if it’s ultimately coming from his heart, because he has no idea what he’s apologising for. “Whatever I have done to wrong you” is not an apology. An apology addresses specific hurtful actions taken and commits to not repeating those mistakes in the future. Thor cannot commit to not repeating the hurtful things he’s done, because he doesn’t know what he’s done. Despite his best intentions, what Thor is doing here is actually kind of manipulative. He’s not addressing any substantive issue between the two of them; he’s just trying to talk Loki down. And it ultimately fails not because Loki doesn’t care or because he wants Thor dead, but because it doesn’t actually change anything.

Finally and only semi-relatedly, we should maybe at some point talk about the fact that Loki, who is stated to be a master tactician, has displayed a weird pattern of hardly ever being as lethal as he could be. He freezes Heimdall in place instead of killing him outright; he backhands Thor with the Destroyer instead of incinerating him; he, well… *gestures vaguely at almost the entirety of the first Avengers movie* Anytime the violence is even a little bit personal, he seems to hedge. Odd behaviour for somebody who’s supposedly super evil.

I’m sorry, I know I’ve pointed it out at least a hundred times before, but I just can’t encounter this scene in any form without taking a moment to appreciate how underrated and hilarious it is.

I also genuinely wonder how many Ragnarok stans who have accused me of having no sense of humour, have failed to laugh at moments like this one. Kinda feel like if you need to have the comedy spoonfed to you in the form of ass jokes, maybe you’re the one whose sense of humour is lacking. 🤷‍♀️

Let’s be super clear: this is not what happened. Loki did not betray Odin; he was betrayed by Odin. He did not open Asgard to its enemies; he attempted, misguidedly, to destroy Asgard’s enemies. And he most certainly did not commit suicide out of a sense of guilt.

I’m not saying Loki did nothing wrong, nor am I saying he feels no regret for the lives he has taken. What I’m saying is there’s no indication that he believes he betrayed Odin or Asgard in the process. Which makes perfect sense, because he didn’t. Everything he tried to do was for Odin and Asgard. It was misguided and horrible, yes, but it can hardly be classified as a betrayal.

The insurmountable burden on Loki is not that he did terrible things, but that no matter what he does or how hard he tries, Odin will never look at him with anything but contempt. Consider once more these passages from the very beginning of the book, at Thor’s coronation:

—

Consider that this book goes to great pains to point out that Odin favours Thor because Thor is a warrior like him. And yet even when Loki embraces that, even when he acts more war-like than ever before, Odin rejects him— just as he always has.

There is a reason why this moment is the last time Loki will ever call Odin his father. Because he realises once and for all that, no, nothing he tries will ever be good enough; no, Odin won’t ever look at him with pride. That is Loki’s burden. That is why he lets go.

The epilogue is really just two pages of making me want to vomit. 

There’s your party where Thor and a certain subset of the fandom insist that Loki was mourned. There’s barely an indication here that anyone even perceives his demise as a negative thing.

“[Sif] could see Frigga thought [Loki was dead] as well” also contradicts the tie-in comic for TDW, so I don’t know what the author is on about there. Unlike the majority of Marvel comics, the tie-in comics are canon to the MCU, so it’s a bizarre statement to make.

COULD YOU SMEAR THE DEAD* ABUSE VICTIM A LITTLE HARDER, PLEASE? Fucking hell.

No matter how many times I encounter this scene, in whatever format, I still fail to become desensitized to how disgusting it is. I realise there’s a good chance that whatever version of events Thor has been told was twisted at best; but how you can look at a man whose son has just committed suicide under any circumstances and say there will never be a better father than that guy, is utterly beyond my capacity to understand.

And Odin’s “you’ve already made me proud” line just feels like extra salt in the wound because, again, Loki let go because he realized Odin would never say those words to him. And yet they come so damn easily when it’s Thor.

Fuck this entire family so much. I think I hate them more than Loki does. Sometimes I wonder what he would think about that. How he would react to knowing that not only is he actually loved, but that he’s so loved that people are genuinely furious at the way he’s been mistreated. That there are people who regularly devolve into full-on rants because they just can’t contain how much anger they have towards the people who hurt him. I think he’d have a hard time wrapping his head around that concept, tbh.

Anyways, to end on a not-completely-depressing note, I’m still waiting for someone at Marvel to explain how Loki knew what Thor said in this scene after plummeting into a wormhole. ‘Cause he references this conversation as Fauxdin at the end of TDW. So like… ?? Did he steal Odin’s memories before he erased them? Because that would be… kind of neat, actually. And very clever. Not entirely ethical, of course, but it’s Odin, so fuck ethics.

WELP, THAT’S IT. Thanks for following along with my dumbassery, hope you enjoyed yourselves. Lol

[cheryls-blossomed]

i'm gonna stir the post and ask for your unpopular flash opinions lmao

LMAO, alright, let’s do this.

I dislike/am indifferent to season 1B for the most part. A few genuinely excellent episodes (some of the best of the show) are contained in that run, but overall it has one too many episodes and story-telling choices which infuriate me, because of how disrespectful they are towards Iris. This is also an opinion I’ve developed over time.

The season 1 finale is highly overrated. A solid finale with some great acting moments, for sure, but not the masterpiece in story-telling that some folks make it out to be. 

I like Allegra, which apparently is somewhat of an unpopular opinion. I don’t think she’s been written all that well or anything, but I feel like people tend to be harder on her, and I get this in part, because in general it’s frustrating that she was shoved onto the Team and that she’s frequently made to go to bat for Frost, when she should’ve been introduced only as a cub reporter at the Citizen and her relationship with Iris fleshed out first. But I like Allegra as a character, especially for what she brings to the development of Iris’s journalism arc and to the Citizen. 

The show is better off without the Wellses. Part of what I’ve enjoyed about season 7A is the lack of a random Wells bogging down the overall narrative. I genuinely do like Tom, and he’s great as EoWells and Harry, but the last few seasons, the Wells character tends to detract too much from the overall story-line and their plots tend to be quite poorly written (and honestly, lately, very uncomfortable... see Sherloque’s love story or the whole weird Nash and Allegra father/daughter thing). 

I really like Chester. 

Eva could have been a truly terrifying villain and one of the most effective Big Bads on the show if TPTB wasn’t so keen on redeeming her. Her story became so convoluted, with her being a Mirror clone, and her ending was incredibly lackluster. But she committed such horrific crimes against so many people, stripping them of their agency, denying them the ability to consent, appropriating their likeness... she was straight up imprisoning and trafficking people, and if the show was bold enough to delve into the repercussions of the severity of the crimes that she committed, I really think she would have been such a terrifying Big Bad.

I hate the Team construct, and I do still wish this was a Flash Family show, lol.

I really love the development of Iris’s journalism arc over the seasons.  I’m not sure if this is necessarily unpopular, but I want to talk about this, because it’s so important to me. For the record, Iris absolutely deserves more, and this show shortchanged her on so many things, including her journalism, but her journalism arc is a long-term arc on this show that truly feels earned. We see Iris start her blog about the Flash and the various other meta sightings in Central City, which becomes a very important database for so many people. She then gets a job at CCPN, but has to earn the respect of her assigned mentor, Mason Bridge (I’m still bitter that they killed Mason off so abruptly, like we deserved to see this mentor/mentee dynamic). Iris continues working at CCPN, chasing stories and carving her own path as a hero. Because of her PTSD after Savitar attempted to murder her, Iris leads Team Flash, with imbues her with the confidence and leadership skills that she’ll take with her to the Citizen. Her experience as the Flash reminds her of her passion for journalism, and she returns to her blog, choosing to run articles about what the DeVoes are doing and arming the citizens of Central City with information, which saves them. In turn, they provide information in the comments section of her blog on sightings of the DeVoes. Iris continues to report, and she then slowly launches the Citizen. She hires Kamilla as a photojournalist and then Allegra as an intern reporter (who is later promoted to full-time reporter), and we now see Team Citizen out in the field. This is such a well-developed story-line, and while I always want to see so, so, so much more of her journalism, I just find this story-line to be really earned and powerful. 

I do really like Barry’s current suit, and I appreciate how well-designed it is and how comic-accurate it is, but the season 4 suit will always be my fave. 

I’m very ambivalent towards Nora West-Allen. Like I oscillate between being simply frustrated with her and disliking her altogether. So, I can’t wait for JPK to get to play the character that she has always deserved to play. 

I don’t like 4x07. At all. 

I hate pretty much all of season 5 outside of 5x01-5x05 (I have issues with 5x04, though, in hindsight, because of how traumatizing it is towards Iris), 5x12, 5x13, and 5x22 (the second half of 5x22 only, though).

Outside of the Ralph stuff and how overbearing his nonsensical story-line was on season 4, I think season 4 is a really good season, tbh.

Season 4 Westallen > Season 3 Westallen.

I really love the portrayal of Westallen in this current season thus far: like the supportiveness, the intuition, and the strength and maturity of their marriage... it’s all so wonderful to watch. They share such a beautiful bond, and I like seeing how their marriage has evolved and strengthened over the years. The depth of their love and connection escape definition, and I think season 7 so far is doing a good job in showing us that. 

[acedhigh]

SIEGEMAS 2020 @dualrainbow​ starring: Marius Streicher, Dominic Brunsmeier, Monika Weiss, Elias Kötz. main blog: @elitejager​ note: hey to anyone who reads this, I haven’t written anything in forever and the only time I’ve ever written a fic was a request, so this is a first for me. as an Autistic person I wanted to touch on the topic a little (i.e how the world views us versus how we view others and express ourselves) and incorporate it into my prompt for this piece. Marius inspires me a lot, I know he’s a popular part of Team Rainbow so I hope you all like it & happy holidays ✌

07 December.

As an icy chill snaked its way down his nape, Marius was reminded of the changed season. Days, weeks even, inside the workroom (his 'safehaven' as he called it to himself), made time and weather and all things mundane merge together in one big negligible blur. The transition between October into November now early December had seemed so...rapid. "Getting lost in one's work" was nothing short of apropos for this revelation; Unfazed by the cold however, he merely rolled down his sleeves and resumed gazing intently at his go-to site for ordering parts - Hated the white background (far too garish) but it offered the best of the best, and a quicker delivery schedule. He'd need it. It wasn't unusual for him to spend great bouts of time in one place. Even less unusual to be knee-deep in a project or two. But it was when morning frost and Christmas music became part of everyday life to crudely round off the year, that Monika and Elias were particularly attentive to Marius and his propensity to isolate. He'd been like that as long as they could recall. It could be almost jarring at first - His quips that'd rub less-familiar colleagues the wrong way, the speed at which his social battery would fizzle out like an ember, and a subtle arrogance which stepped on many toes. In contrast to Marius' heated and bull-headed nature, even his enthusiasm and eagerness to share or contribute somehow seemed misplaced or perhaps just poorly timed; Boundaries were a struggle and frequently crossed line despite how many walls he put between himself and others. He was unpredictable to most. "Hard to decipher", as Monika once put it. She was the first out of the four to recognize he was on the spectrum, and it tugged at her heartstrings to watch him endure contempt in place of a little understanding - But she vowed to hold her tongue. She did not want to patronise or belittle someone as bold as Marius. After all, in many ways she considered him to rival herself academically, and that garnered much of her respect. He was capable, he didn't need her or anybody else to coddle him or worry. Monika did not worry about him at all in fact, until this time of year.

16 December.

Elias had a similar view. Never had he met someone so rigid in his performance, so disciplined, yet so antsy. Must be the whole chaos of creativity, he thought. He recounted several incidences where he tried his hand at entertaining Marius, to no avail. Like things just didn't connect with him or tickle him the way Elias could achieve with others. But that didn't mean they lacked a connection at all - They were close, but where other people stood Marius was always one step further away, by his own accord. It was clear from the get go that the engineer liked to do things his way and per his agenda. Elias would grant him the favour of “breathing room” because he knew that although Marius held people at arms' length, beneath that eccentric exterior there was a shining heart of gold that cared deeply about the people he would shoo out of his workroom. Today was no exception, apparently.

"Hey, Marius--" There he was, ensconced in something technical of course, and drenched in fluorescent white light.

"No!"

"Huh--"

"Don't-- You can't look. Just...I'm busy. And I'm discussing this prototype of mine with the head of BMVg, whatever it is, it can wait."

Oops, Elias. "This isn't for prying eyes, it's commission work. I'll humour you later."

"Ah, err, got it. No peeking. Just don't work yourself to death and I'll check back in tonight. See ya!"

Yeah, this wasn't uncommon he muses, as he's met with a cold hand gesture towards the door. Though Elias couldn't help but wonder if maybe Marius was pushing himself even harder as to not think about the holidays. Dominic's relationship with him was different. Not as warm to the touch. And certainly more volatile, when tension arose. A clash of unorthodox personalities. They were polar opposites in one way, but fiercely empathetic in others, because pariahs stick together even when grating on each others' nerves - It was their non-conformity that made them a good team no matter how unconventional (and potentially troublesome) the dynamics. He knew how it was to be alone like the back of his hand. Maybe that too is the reason for their kinship, once all strain dissipated. Even he occasionally considered how his comrade handled the isolation; Dominic relished it to a degree, a darker mind who co-existed with his demons. But he knew Marius and he frequently observed his drive to form relationships only for them to fall flat or worse because of that same old disconnect Elias talked about on occasion. Never brought it up verbally but nothing could ghost Dominic's perusal. "Damn. Rejected again," Elias jests as he spots Dominic taking a break from playing grease monkey on his bike - Cigarette routinely positioned in mouth and garage wide open so that snow had begun collecting on the entrance floor. This wing was probably his safehaven, too.

"You should leave him to it." Dominic takes a long drag before expelling two plumes from his nose.

"Yeah I know, I know. Just seems wrong to not try. I don't think he's going home for Christmas. Hasn't heard from his Uncle for a couple of years...Not sure why. Marius tells me that's nothing out of the ordinary. Still, doesn't hurt to remind him we're around."

"He knows we're around. If you and Monika make a fuss it'll probably backfire."

"You could be right. But hey, buzzing in somebody’s ear is better than letting them feel ignored. I wouldn't be half as fun if I wasn't annoying."

"...Are you sure 'fun' is the right word?" Dominic concealed his smirk behind another toke.

"Whaaatever. Have a good night Brunsmeier. And don't get too cold old man! I don't know how you have the place all opened up on days like this. I don't want to come back tomorrow morning and find you in cryostasis."

"Uhuh. Well, snow chains. Fitting new ones on the tires and have to put 'em to the test somehow. See you, Smartass."

23 December.

The air was cold and dry and it permeated indoors but the serenity of snow blanketing everything for miles upon miles outweighed the chill in his lungs. Even the sun couldn’t thaw the ice nor interfere with celebrants having their white Christmas. From the moment he'd woken up that morning he rushed to get stuck back into his work without so much as cranking up the radiators. No matter the climate, it wouldn't deter him from his endeavours, much like Winter itself. As he fine-tuned his latest creation Marius felt overcome with accomplishment and relief knowing he had the rest of the day to spare after hours of trial and error. Fingers weaved and arms raised he stretched up high, taking a moment to admire the fully customised apparatus begging to be used. Fishing his phone out of a denim pocket he checked the time and grabbed one of the gift boxes wrapped neatly with a lavender bow. Monika would always make a point of going home to celebrate with her family - he'd heard many stories about her mother's Sauerbraten - and was always the first to leave to ensure she'd catch her flight. Ergo, her turn came first. His soles crunched against the virgin snow as Marius made his way to the dormitories. He could've forgotten the clean scent of fresh air or the sheer brightness the day can bring after spending a majority of his time hunkered down at the workroom. Cutting it close, he was fortunate enough to cross paths with Monika, luggage in her wake while punching in a numberpass for the electronic gate. "Monika!" He called out, waving her down.

"Hm?" Immediately she turned on her heel - Perhaps he startled her, or it was the (pleasant) surprise of hearing that familiar voice in another place other than his station or dorm.

"Monika, I'm glad I could catch you. Here--" Offering the palm sized box it was clear to the both of them that neither knew exactly how to handle the situation without underlying befuddlement. "--Frohe Weihnachten." (Merry Christmas). Ah yes, he'd forgotten that part. He wasn't well-versed in the act of gift giving - not face to face, at least...

"Really? For me?"

"Of course it is. It's purple. I don't know anybody else's favourite colour."

"I'm a little speechless...! Thank you Marius, and Frohe Weihnachten. I got something for you too, so did Elias. You were too busy we didn't think to disturb you and thought we'd leave them on your desk. You're welcome to pick them up yourself beneath the tree Emmanuelle and Yumiko set up in the foyer." Something akin to a glorified 'Secret Santa' Harry suggested for Team Rainbow to build on their camaraderie but appealed little to Dominic.

"Oh, that was unnecessary, but I'm grateful. Then I'm obliged to thank you as well. I didn't expect anything - I just wanted to see what I could come up with. I hope you like it."

"No act of benevolence is unnecessary. I'm tempted to open this up right here and now, I'm very curious. I'm going to show restraint however and open it tomorrow. I'll shoot you a message afterwards, OK?" She unzipped her case and placed it delicately atop folded clothes. Whatever it was, it seemed fragile, and would need the padding. "You take care of yourself Marius. Tschüss!" She passed through the gate and left with a smile.

24 December.

With more confidence after yesterday's exchange next in line was either Elias or Dominic, whoever he bumped into first. Today was bitterly cold and much darker, grey clouds hanging overhead almost as thick as the snow. Still, it was welcomed by those who enjoyed the seasonal comforts of lounging around; Vastly preferable to these scorching Summers in recent years, to Marius' admittance. He could spy from beyond his work station window that Dominic had the garage locked up early and was now dumping fodder to feed one of his burn barrel fires. To Marius, this had grown synonymous with Winter, and was a good way to gauge the severity of the weather - Dominic explained to him that it became habit from his undercover days, and was a quick & easy disposal method of...well, anything that could burn. Which sounded vaguely ominous with the way he put it, and there was no doubt in his mind that it absolutely was ominous. But that was then. He would ponder though, what his fellow operative saw in those flames. If he thought of an array of things and memories like a haunting myriad or maybe he just saw nothing more than a warming fire and burning magazines. It was hardly worth asking either, because he was scarcely linear, and seemed to quietly take pleasure in keeping people on their toes. An enigma for sure. They both were. Joining Dominic's side he could feel heat from the fire and the barrel itself as it raged on between them.

"You've been out here a while?" "An hour, maybe less." "Can't be too good for you. It's cold & flu season. If you're going to see your nephews and nieces, that's not wise." "I've dealt with worse." "Yes, that's true, I'm sure your lungs appreciate your pack-a-day fitness ritual." "If I smoked a pack a day, BPOL would give me the chop faster than any bad habits could on my life expectancy. Besides, I can still outrun you. Did you come here to give me health advice or was there something else?" "I know you well enough to know that giving you advice often goes unheeded." Much to my dismay. "So no, however--" He presents the red giftbox to Dominic, which he'd yet to acknowledge. Or he didn't care enough to ask. There's a visible confusion that reads in his otherwise stark expression - Like Monika's the day prior. Was it really so foreign for Marius to present his generosity this way? "Oh...?" "Open it, Dummkopf." Rather than muster some spur of the moment retort Dominic does as instructed. He settled the box in snow and crouched down to examine what awaited inside. "Pure silver electromagnetic rods. In a similar vein to an EMP device, rather, a preemptive attack on them and on your target. Think of them as an extension to your CEDs. Place them around in any formation you like to create an electromagnetic field; They will go live the moment your CEDs do. I've included a remote for functionality and to check that they're all within range of each other. The frequencies will be dizzying for enemy weaponry and at the touch of a button, shock anybody standing within the field's radius." Astounded, Dominic can only look down in disbelief at the device in his hands. It's one thing to fix up an old motorcycle, or even a car, but something of this calibre was truly belonging to a prodigious acumen. And that prodigy is Marius Streicher. "Oh, there's also armbands and a 'plate' you fit to the bottom of your footwear to absorb static and safeguard you from being on the receiving end of the electrogrid. That part should be a familiar concept." "..." "Well?" "I don't know how the hell you come up with this shit, but it's incredible." "Mmhmm. Of course it is, I made it. Brave of you to finally admit that." "Don't make me regret showing some gratitude. I mean it. Is this what you've been busying yourself with the whole month?" "Yeah, calculating pulse waveforms took more work than Monika's and Elias' upgrades, I readily accepted the challenge though." "You went to the trouble of making something for them too huh. Crazy." "I did yes. Monika's was no sweat. I pulled up the files on her RED Mk III and tweaked a few things. Utilising the same technology I fitted a lens-like screen to a headpiece, so the intel she needs is always in view, and her handling of weapons isn't compromised. I think she'll appreciate the purple tint I used for the lens. That, and it can also be used for her spelunking - The new and improved Spectre can see beyond solid walls several metres thick, and it can detect hollow spaces like tunnels. If she removes the chip and slots it into the drone I made for her - I'll reveal that part to her once she's back - she can apply the Spectre to airborne recon in the same way as the lens itself." "Now, you're showing off. She's going to use and abuse that thing every chance she gets." "Good. Then I won't have made it for nothing." "What about Elias, what did you give him?" "I haven't given him his yet which works out nicely." "I'm all ears, Brainiac." "Interesting moniker. Elias gets a conal radius motion & thermal detector that bolsters his ballistic shield. This will give him an increase in tactical advantage, by alerting him to whoever is in his vicinity. If there's an obstruction or he loses sight of the enemy he can find them with ease and make his move. Like Monika's, his can mimic the technology he's accustomed to and can also be detached and used with the specialised drone made for him. He'll be able to temporarily blind at range, or cause distraction, meaning if he keeps his wits about him he'll manage to play a part from long distances." Dominic spied something else in the box as Marius gave his run down on each of the devices. Brow furrowed he picks it up and examines it closely, unable to crack what purpose it served. "Hm. And this?" "That, is a personal touch. Call it whimsical but I think you'll like it. His drone is also yours." Shooting the engineer a bewildered glance Dominic held the second remote in hand, waiting expectantly to understand its significance and what exactly made it so 'whimsical'. "I had trouble coming up with a unique quality for each of you. You're both irreverent in your sense of humour, so I decided to play on that. Elias' drone also has a compartment where something, such as a flashbang for example, can be stored and dropped at command. I'll tell him about that. What I won't tell him however is that you have full access to the drone with that control you're holding. I'll leave it to your imagination to invent shenanigans of your own design. It ought to appease your prankster inclinations," Marius smiled knowingly, but only just - A sliver of the pride gathering in his center. Dominic's was blatant and devilish; Cogs turning in his mind already. But moreso this was a gift with meaning, and understanding to a level that excelled clinical intelligence. He had captured all three of them as operatives and as people, as friends, in the best way he knew how. Each gadget was far from mere machinery. Like polaroids immortalising their merits on the field and in life. "Don't expect to hear this out of me again anytime soon but you've outdone yourself." "Hah! It's worth the effort just to wring sincerity out of you, you ornery bastard." "Yeah, yeah, pot calling the kettle black. I know you're not a drinker but come on, show me how to use this thing over a pint - and bring the drone. I want to get Elias back for all his gaudy Christmas music in the dorms. I considered smothering him with his pillow, but this will suffice." He sneered, amused by his own facetiousness. "I know you don't have anything else planned so I'm not giving you much of a choice." After placing everything back in its box Dominic stood up to give his friend a gracious pat on the back. Marius noticed a glint in his eye he hadn't been privy to before - one unlike the dispassion that most would consider default to 'Bandit' - perhaps they were both seeing each other in a different light. An aspect they kept tucked away, save for rare junctures such as these. "Fine. I'll agree, considering the occasion. Might as well get into the spirit of things a little. Frohe Weihnachten, Dominic." "Frohe Weihnachten."

[anartofblooming]

The Perils of Digital Escapism and the Power of a Digital Detox

Disclaimer: this is my own personal experience with digital escapism and I hope that sharing this experience might serve others who’ve gone through something similar, especially at a time where most of us are locked down because of COVID-19.  I’m not claiming one size fits all.

It’s been about six months since I’d relapsed into a deepened state of depression. After a series of challenging events, I was incredibly overwhelmed. At the time, I didn’t have it in me to go through the pain of processing my emotions and, as a result, I withdrew into the numbing world of my phone. I felt safe there, mindlessly playing games for hours on end, but it was a false sense of safety. The more I withdrew into my device, the harder it became for me to function and enjoy the things I once used to. 

Tasks like brushing my teeth, showering, and keeping my space clean became progressively daunting, let alone handling the greater responsibilities of adulthood. Overeating food without actually tasting it magnified the numbing effect, so I gained 16 kilos over a span of four months. I felt so uncomfortable in my own body, my need to withdraw grew stronger. I barely engaged with my partner, friends and family. I essentially became a sad potato that would migrate from my bed to the couch every single day for those months. 

This was deadening me inside. I wanted to withdraw more privately, to ease the guilt I felt when I was seen in my vegetative state. So, I slept throughout most of the day and spent most of my nights wide awake. The lack of sunlight, in turn, made my depression worse. I was quickly heading down through the vortex of a downward spiral and I knew that, if I kept going through this vortex, my suffering would ultimately become much worse.  

The Perils of Digital Escapism 

1. It prolongs recovery unnecessarily 

The longer I escaped, the harder it was for me to bounce back and practice healthier habits. It IS doable, but I had to jump through more hoops and my path to recovery was unnecessarily extended. 

2. It can take a toll on the body

The mindless activity of escaping into a device lead me to mindlessly eat too. Mindless eating leads to weight gain. The more I escaped into my devices, the more I became sedentary. I became more prone to painful infections, developed severe GI issues and sleep apnea, became a pre-diabetic and, to my disbelief, began experiencing internal bleeding that made me anemic. I felt trapped inside my own body. Every movement became uncomfortable and strenuous.

3. It exacerbates mental illness

The state of my mental health became worse. The minor benefit I got from retreating into the world in my device was akin to placing a bandaid on an amputation. It doesn’t work. In the same way that poorly dealing with an amputation can result in bleeding to death, dealing poorly with a mental illness can have horrible results. 

4. Self esteem takes a hit

Failing to take care of myself made me feel guilty and ashamed. Then, not processing those feelings only made them fester. I’d think, “wow, I’m so useless, worthless, pathetic, etc. etc. etc.” To no surprise, this negative self talk made my depression worse.   

5. Relationships suffer

I was barely engaging with my partner, friends and family. I can say, with confidence, that this was the worst side effect of digital escapism for me. I felt lonely, isolated and disconnected from the world. 

6. Purpose and meaning are stripped

The days blended into one another and I lost my sense of meaning and purpose. I had no reason to wake up in the morning, but went through the motions anyway. This created a nihilistic undertone that cast a shadow on my life, stoking a small flame of anxiety into a raging fire. 

7. Sleep loses its quality

My sleep became irregular, further exacerbating my physical, mental, and emotional suffering. On the outside, I was motionless but, on the inside, I was restless. This made my anxiety worse. 

It was time to make a change. 

I unsubscribed from all my streaming services, deleted the games on my phone and placed restrictions on my social media apps using an app blocker. I let my partner set the password so I couldn’t go back and surrender to the temptation of my devices when I felt anxious. I entered the process of a digital detox and the positive change this created for me was monumental.

The Power of a Digital Detox 

1. The discomfort of zero distractions motivates productivity

Because I couldn’t escape or distract myself anymore, I had to fill my days with other activities; specifically, those activities I avoided in my digital escape. I used the two minute rule for anything I found daunting. Washing dishes? I put a two minute timer on and gave myself permission to stop when it went off. Responding to an email? Two minutes to start my draft. Brushing my hair? Two minutes. What ended happening is this: once I started I, more often than not, finished the task working past the two minute mark. It was much easier than I had perceived it to be before starting. If I was having a really bad day, I still accomplished my two minutes and that felt good, even if I only did a single two minute task that day. 

2. Couch potatoes become sweet potatoes

I began to move more. It’s boring to sit on a couch all day without the distraction of a phone or the television. I began making to do lists for myself and moved around inside the house. I even began to go for short walks outside, something which was previously very daunting for me. All the weight I’d gained began to drop and with it my health issues began to diminish as well. 

3. Mental health improves

I began to take more interest in things again, like learning, drawing, and writing. I was listening to audiobooks while cleaning and taught myself new skills, like how to start a solid fire in a Norwegian Winter. 

4. Self esteem improves

Becoming productive as a result of my digital detox made me feel good about myself. I was accomplishing things and this made me feel useful, worthy, competent, etc. etc. etc. I was motivated to treat myself well as a result. The more I treated myself with respect, self compassion and self care, the more confident I felt. 

5. Relationships improve

 began to engage more with my loved ones. This made me feel more connected to the world. I started laughing more often, relating to others and forming new memories. The feeling of connection was the most powerful benefit of my digital detox. 

6. There’s more focus on self care I began to connect with my body in a nurturing way. I’d dance with my partner as we cooked in the kitchen, I’d apply body lotion to enjoy its feeling and scent, and I began to take pleasure in brushing my hair until it felt silky. I sought to feel good in ways that were healthy for me. 

7. Purpose and meaning is discovered once more

I became more intentional with how I spent each day, and this was reviving. I then took a step further by setting my intentions for the next day by writing them down the night before. Over time, I started to feel more excited about my life and what I could do with it.

8. Sleep improves

My sleep became more regular, giving me a bit more energy to take on the process of recovery. I started feeling more rested and relaxed. My energy began to replenish itself.

I Didn’t Forgo Technology Altogether

Rather, I am using it more purposefully now. I use my phone to catch up with friends and family, as well as make shopping lists for my trips to the grocery store. On my laptop, I’m working on writing my book, research, and creating this blog, and the television is solely reserved for movie time with my partner and step son. I do still use social media, but I’ve tailored my app blockers to only give me access for an hour a day, starting at 6:30pm after dinner and ending at 7:30pm. Disconnecting from distracting apps is allowing me to reconnect with the world and this is the radical self care I needed to become proactive in my healing journey.