#i go into mental 'editing' mode.

[nowandthane]

him <3

[transsweet]

favs from tge aggie tonight ‼️

forest gods au - charliedzilla

musical nerds - rain-writes-fics

[lastoneout]

Ya know when people told me "when you're finally safe enough that you can leave survival mode and start to let go of and process your c-ptsd/trauma things are probably going to get really, really bad before they slowly start to get better" I thought that was reasonable. I did not understand that by "things are going to get bad" they meant "you're going to find yourself in the worst mental state of your entire life, but dw, that means it's working" and tbh I simply wish someone had been more clear.

Edit: If everyone could please take a minute and think about what it must feel like to be struggling and then have multiple strangers say to your face that they find the prospect of going through what you're going through so horrifying that they'd rather kill themselves and then stop leaving comments like that I would greatly appreciate it.

[phoenixiancrystallist]

Month 7, day 30

My stylus died while I wasn't paying attention so while it's charging I decided to go back to an old photo edit and just completely redo it since I wasn't happy with it the first time. Much more pleased with it now :D

Raw images I was working with are under the cut, as usual~

[arcaneyouth]

funniest part of having an ok grip on my mental health is that when it does tank and i cant get myself to even talk to people, i still can easily talk to people if its something i need to do for like, work. *i* may be having a mental breakdown, but business willow isn't and they need to make sure everyone is submitting their work on time and respecting all the rules

[actualaster]

Something that fully healthy people don't really seem to understand about chronic health issues is what running on an energy deficit is like long-term.  It's more exhausting than you can possibly imagine if you haven't experienced it.

How does that work? Well, it's sort of like this. Everybody has a certain amount of energy.  When you're healthy and well-rested, you feel pretty good.  There are artificial boosters that give you more energy, too.  You can do all sorts of stuff.

When you get tired, you can still do some stuff but you can't do as much and what you can do might suffer from lack of energy. Except that's essentially your every day existence with chronic health issues.  You go to sleep tired, and wake up tired--sometimes more tired!

Your energy levels rarely reach "full"--that is, there's few points where you are in a "well rested" state where you feel pretty good and have "normal" levels of energy.  You're *always* operating in "low battery" mode rather than being fully charged, and you drain *fast*.

This makes doing basic tasks much harder than need be--things that drain a little energy you notice a hell of a lot more when you're already dead tired than when you're well-rested.  Like how when your phone drops from 10% to 9% you notice more than from 100% to 99%.

You can do some stuff--but you have an upper limit of what you can do that's a lot lower than other people. And functioning while running against a deficit at all times means a *lot* of careful, conservative planning to husband your strength for when you need it most.

It means sometimes spending 30 minutes deliberating what you should buy when you reach the store because you're trying to guess "will I have the energy to prepare this food after shopping?  Will I later this week?"  You hedge your bets when you can.

It means skipping out on a lot of stuff you'd otherwise love to do because you just can't be sure you'll have the energy to do it without landing yourself in bed for the next 3 days by pushing yourself to collapse. It's depressing. And it's exhausting.

EDIT: This post is for people with physical AND mental health causes for their fatigue and exhaustion, by the way! I know there are posts that really are meant only for one or the other and it's rude to hijack them, but if you find this resonates with you then you're welcome to it regardless of the cause!

[archivalofsins]

Oh yeah, I was talking about this with friends yesterday and concluded that Shidou never goes home in Triage. He's still at the hospital just pretending he went home. There are also shots in Throw Down that show that the outside of the hospital he works at literally looks like where he's walking in Triage.

Post has been edited to fix spelling errors, add read more, and information for clarification. Edited: 02/27/24 3:17pm EST

Something Shidou purposely tries to hide as he quickly cuts away from these angles in Throw Down. Favoring showing off more barren areas like this.

The inside of the hospital is shown to have the same handrail on the wall that he walks past in Triage when he arrives home. The tile floor is spaced exactly the same as it is within the hospital as is seen in his makeshift home in Triage.

The tile wall literally turns into a window when he touches it.

Plus, literally no one else's second trial music videos have completely excluded where they committed their crimes. That's even counting prisoners like Mahiru and Futa whose mental spaces were entirely warped from what they experienced over the course of the last intermission. Even still their music videos followed a similar pattern to their first ones.

Even the train Mikoto (John) is seen in throughout Double is prominently shown in MeMe. Shidou's video is the same in this regard. Calling back to his previous one, which allows the viewer to discern between the discrepancies and figure out where he actually is, at some points.

For example, the plants outside of his house are reminiscent of the ones seen in the greenhouse during Throw Down. The shot of the greenhouse and his front door are almost the same.

Except we're seeing from Shidou's perspective.

This could be why the message machine for his house picks up near the beginning. To fully illustrate that regardless of what he tells/shows us he is currently not at fucking home. He's just not there and never went there.

Hell, even if that was his cellphone voice mail that's even more damning. Considering that from the beginning, we've been shown the use of phones is prohibited in his workspace.

Reformation of the Japanese Guidelines for cellular phone use in hospitals (August 2015)

New guidelines ease restrictions on cellphone use at hospitals (August 19, 2014)

Chiba University Hospital How to spend your time during hospitalization

Something that is common for hospitals around the world.

At least, I believe that's what this sign means. However, it could mean something else. It doesn't look like it's very cellphone friendly, though.

UPDATE

@doctorbunny has informed me about what this sign reads. In the older version of Throw Down on the Milgram App this sign was in color and clearly read.

おしずかに 通話禁止 please set to silent mode oshizuka = silent/silence ni = marks silence as the target (IE set _ to silent) tsuuwa = telephone call kinshi = prohibited So, set your phone to silent, phone calls not allowed. (Because operations are going on.)

So, yeah calls are prohibited in this area. Plus this confirms the area that he is in throughout Throw Down is one where operations are actively being held.

Oh, and as a kicker, we've seen what this man's home actually looks like.

It is far less extravagant than the presentation he shows us in Triage. I'm not saying that anyone even believed he went home. Because honestly why would he have mausoleum for his victims attached to his house. What we see in Triage at least to me is clearly an artistic rendention of his work place and showcases how he views it as his personal organ collecting spot.

Then, to add insult to injury, here's the scene mirroring this one from Triage showing us when he's actually home through the lighting and the repetition of body language.

I mean he's better at hiding it than most but not by much.

Other moments that parallel Throw Down in Triage highlighting that we are more than likely still at the hospital and never left.

The metal bars in his kitchen call back to those around the greenhouse.

The place he eats in as well within Throw Down.

And this part of Triage directly calls back to the climax of Throw Down.

[harrywavycurly]

Can I ask for more random being married to Eddie things🥺🥹💙

Hiiii lovey!! Of course you can get some more random things that I think would happen if you were married to Eddie! I hope you enjoy this and you’ve been warned they are extremely random 😂💖

What I think being married to Eddie would be like, random edition part 2:

You’d have a never ending battle with Eddie and the laundry hamper because you’re just not sure why he can’t manage to get his dirty clothes to land in it at the end of the day, the man just tosses his shirt and jeans to the side when he’s getting undressed and you swear he puts them right next to the hamper on purpose.

It’s him going on and on about a topic you have no knowledge about and him realizing it by just the look on your face and when he stops and goes “you have no clue what I’m talking about do you?” He just smiles when you answer him with a “no but I like how excited you are about it so…go on.”

You’d learn how to drive the van and you’d know all the tricks to get it to work properly when it wants to break down or just simply not start.

Eddie would have no reaction anymore when he walks into the house and you’re in a “cleaning mode” and your favorite band is playing on a speaker that’s sitting on the kitchen counter and you’re dancing around as you dust the living room, he makes sure to just greet you with a kiss and explain he’s gonna head over to Wayne’s because he’ll be damned if he ever has to hear you yell “Edward James Munson I just cleaned this room!” ever again, twice is enough for him.

It’s Eddie dropping by your work on your lunch break because he just misses you or wants to just steal you away for half an hour.

Eddie is your biggest supporter because you’re also his, he can’t even count how many shows of his you’ve been to at the Hideout or how many campaigns you’ve helped him with. He is a proud husband and doesn’t hesitate to drop the classic “that’s my wife” anytime he can.

You’d know by the way Eddie walks up the steps of the trailer how his day was, the longer he drags his feet tells you just how long you’re gonna need to hold him when he hugs you when he enters the house.

It’s how Eddie goes “oh fuck…” when he sees you calling him in the middle of the day and he goes through his mental list of things that you could be calling him about because you’re the queen of just texting him 62836 times in a row if you need something.

Eddie absolutely can not leave the house in the morning without telling you he loves you, shockingly it’s not even a you thing it’s a him thing. He can’t go to work or even run to the gas station without tell you “love you” even if it’s just shouted as he’s running out the door but most of the time he likes to hug you and give you a kiss as he mumbles “i love you” into your neck.

You two still have dates nights because it’s just a fun time the two of your get to just enjoy each others company and half the time it’s just you two getting dinner and going out to lovers lake.

[laughingogre]

The Recluse and The Huntsman

Teaser/chapter 0 for the fic I’m writing since I have Miguel ATSV brain rot and I can’t keep all this good stuff to myself anymore. This wasn’t edited or anything like that so expect possible changes to both the characters and the plot in the future. Okay byeeee! EDIT: I made a playlist to go along with this story, the first 3 tracks accompany this chapter.

Premise: Miguel has always felt like an outcast in spider society because of the way he got his powers. But after meeting Saanvi, he’s never felt more proud to be one-of-a-kind.

Pairings: Original character x Miguel O’Hara, anti-hero x hero, enemies to rivals (it’s complicated) to lovers

Warnings: Violence… and that’s about it for this piece of the story but this list is going to get much longer very quickly.

Driving rain and the slight fog that followed with it brought a neon haze upon Nueva York tonight. A fusion of colors so outstanding that memories of another life were starting to shake off dust in her mind. Flashes of memories from an annual fireworks festival sparked a little warmth in Saanvi’s heart. Less than thirty seconds went by before she snuffed it out, leaving herself icy; instincts sharp and ready. Long, slender fingers on sure hands opened the heavy black case that lay next to her on the rooftop. Satisfaction curled her lips into a small smile as the new and improved rifle looked back at her, gleaming in the neon haze.

Hellooo beautiful, she thought. While assessing all the upgrades, the multi-functional scope and walkable trigger she requested had her grinning maniacally. She made a mental note to give Drago a little more praise for his gunsmithing as she set up a stand in the darkness of the alcove. Cycling through the scope’s options allowed for eight different modes of visibility and detection, with heat-seeking sensors that stood up against even this night’s hellish weather.

Scanning the city for a few minutes allowed Saanvi’s dark eyes to adjust to the new level of detail the scope afforded them. Once her senses were fully immersed, the hunt was on. A den of data pirates had been having way too much fun with the identities of over half the city’s even-remotely-wealthy citizens. Ever the champion of fair play, she was going to bring that fun to an end by leveling their ranks. A glance at the watch face on the inside of her left wrist showed it was just before 02:00 AM. If the intel she scrubbed was accurate, a 12-person heat signature would pop up in less than 60 seconds.

Rifle loaded and ready, she took aim and waited. Intel was good—a warehouse four klicks away lit up with bodies. Once she had a count of twelve, her finger slipped into the trigger guard and onto the trigger in a swift motion. It didn’t leave the trigger until none of them were left standing. Smoke drifting from the barrel caught the light of an ad for aphrodisiacs and coiled pink and red against the shadows of the alcove. A smile cut across her face again as a leap off the building’s edge plunged her into the deluge.

Broken glass and rubble crunched underneath graceful steps as she leisurely filled a bag with data drives, cash, and whatever valuables her victims had stashed away. Once their warehouse was picked to the bones, Saanvi took a few photographs of the scene. Horrific images of bodies that were all bloated and bruising from the new ammunition she and Drago had developed. She knelt down near the worst-looking of the bodies, preparing to take a sample. As she pulled out a small vial and tool kit, the incoming presence of another threat sent her up the wall and into the ceiling’s vent system. Damn… intel must’ve been bad… there’s more of them. Sight limited by the vent grates, alarms went off in her head to escape as she felt the intensity of the aura peaking. There must be at least five more people about to walk into this room. Morbid curiosity won over her senses, so she repositioned herself in the vent to catch a glimpse of the intruders. Footsteps that seemed almost deafening from the intensity with which she listened for them indicated it was only one person. Good strategy, sending a scout. Eyes glued to the vent, she saw a massive silhouette peel around the corner. Her senses flared up at the sight of the figure beneath her: a man standing at least six feet tall, clad in a form-fitting suit that was dark blue with pulsing sections of red. The mask on his face had a menacing symbol on it that seemed to move the way facial expressions would. It started to stir a memory inside of her but an old emotion bloomed before recall could happen. For the first time in years, fear filled Saanvi’s veins. Thoughts only of escape and safety pinging in her mind. Run. Hide. Home. Run. Hide. Home. Go. Her head became a glitched mp3 but she couldn’t take her eyes off this predator. While the hulking figure below spoke in a low, annoyed growl to someone she couldn’t see, she stilled her mind and listened for the sound of pouring rain. The sound that would lead her away from this thing beneath her as fast as possible. Her crawl through the ducts to safety began with bated breath, a silent prayer that finished only after putting two klicks of distance between herself and whatever anomaly was in that warehouse.

Once back on the rooftop where her night began, her body shuddered hard, trying to fight off every feeling of the last few moments. She failed, senses made raw and primal by a hit of animalistic fear. Suddenly she could feel everything—single drops of rain and the chill that was trying to rob her of every last iota of body heat. Memories of another life came to her again, this time in echoes of her mother’s voice bewaring her of those made to be like her but not born as they were. ‘The universe is wide and more wild than our forest. You may meet something made to be even deadlier than you or I.’ The steel in her mother’s voice at that moment wasn’t lost on her then or now.

Saanvi had finally crossed paths with Miguel O’Hara that night. Only she didn’t register him as such. To her, she had come face to face with her mother’s fear made flesh: an unnatural union of arachnid and human.

***

It had been two weeks since that night and the nightmares weren’t letting up. Tonight was no different. Having been woken up by her own fearful thrashing yet again, Saanvi migrated from the bedroom to her studio. A pot of Cuban coffee brewed in the corner, filling the air with a pleasant smell. Fingers rapidly gesturing at holo-screens that were returning more of the same useless information. She knew everyone called him Spider-Man. She knew everyone (or almost everyone) considered him to be a hero. But she wanted more than just news articles and conspiracy theories from bloggers. What she wanted more than anything was to find out what Hell he came from so she could send him back to it. There was only one way to do that where he wouldn’t be pointing his fangs at her. Before falling into a deep, dreamless sleep at her desk, Saanvi had pinged a few connections. By the time the sun shone on the city again, she had unofficially launched an infiltration and intelligence gathering mission against Spider-Man.

[winterxgardener]

What makes Shourtney stand out to me (as a possible couple) is that despite all the LA influences and insane talent, they kinda seem like two people you could see hanging out in your neighborhood. They are so special but normal at the same time if that makes sense.

I also feel that neither of them are particularly great at hiding their true feelings about people and things around them - and I love that about them. I'm sure they do a loooooot of self-censoring but at the same time, have hard time maintaining a proper poker face.

Actually, there are some 2019-2020 videos where Courtney and Shayne start acting silly/flirty together, and the other person in the room (usually Ian and Damien) has a slightly amused but uncomfortable "here we go again" expression on their face. The expression is so relatable 'cause I've been in similar situations myself at the workplace and kept thinking "you guys really need to do something about this romantic tension 'cause we have a meeting with the boss in two minutes and she might have some questions". So awkward but hilarious at the same time.

Similarly to the previous anon, I also wish we could hear their own experience at some point since what we discuss here in Tumblr, is mainly just speculation/interpretation. Even if it turns out that Shourtney never happened and we shippers have been living in delulu, I'd still love to hear what their shared journey has been (bts) since it feels like they rarely talk about their friendship/something-else-ship anymore. Ian and Anthony discuss their friendship frequently in videos, Shayne and Damien make references to their shared past experiences from time to time, and I've even heard Amanda and Angela commenting on how close friends they are. But I can not remember the last time Shayne and Courtney had even a brief discussion about them as a duo, despite being one of the more iconic ones.

I actually think that it was the contradiction between their non-verbal language and verbal treatment of each other that led me to speculate (1-2 years ago) that something is going on bts. For me their "heart eyes" alone are not really a proof of anything since they keep looking at half the cast with similar endearment. However, I found it weird that they would look at each other so lovingly (at least in brief moments) but rarely ever say anything friend-like directly to each other or even act politely, like normal coworkers. Some people will explain that with their long friendship but they are close with Damien and Ian as well and rarely act in the same contradictory way with them. I just can't explain that with anything else but "something's going on".

As a background info: I started my Smosh journey with videos from 2022 and 2023, and initially, knew nothing about the Shourtney shipping that happened in late 2010s. Despite this (or because of it?) I sensed something between them and was not surprised to hear that they might be more than just coworkers. However, I def understand why shippers got a bad rep in Defy era because I can not sense the same chemistry between them in older videos and would have needed a fair amount of delulu to convince myself that they are together. Nowadays, it's the other way around: you need to make a lot of mental acrobics to explain why they are most probably just friends.

Btw, sorry for a long, not-so-cohesive ramble on this. I'm writing this in a sleepy mode, and am not sure myself what is the red thread of this anymore. :D

I am speechless while reading this. What do you mean by 'not cohesive'? This is a well-structured narrative. 🤯🤯

I agree that between 2019 and 2021, Shourtney appeared different, especially during their Twitch streams since they were unedited, unlike now, where they can easily censor or edit some of their moments.

Regarding their chemistry, from 2015 to 2018, it was just full-blown flirting as friends. (I don't know if I'm just being delusional), but something changed in 2019.🙉🙈

[beeoftheanxieties]

So, @da-proti-toku-grem kind of inspired me to make a lengthy post, sharing some positive vibes across the fandom, listing the reasons why I love each member of Joker Out and why I would go full mom-mode on them and cook for them and bake them gluten-free cookies.

Anyway:

A Joker Out, brain-rot, appreciation post

(members listed in alphabetical order)

Bojan

First up - as someone who had the chance to see them live, he is an insane performer

His ability to enchant the crowd is insane and you can tell really well that he has great acting abilities too

Watched him in Gospod Profesor too, spot on for someone who is a so-called amateur

His singing voice is... amazing to say the least, it feels really unique

Also, the way he talks, the sound of his voice, the words he uses, his pronunciation, if there were awards for talking he would get one

The languages he speaks, I want to study him, linguistically, he is truly a phenomenon

We of course love a bilingual king

He looks like he has his priorities straight

I also respect him so much for how open he is about his mental illness

I might relate to him a bit too much at times whoops

And the fact that he can somehow befriend literally anyone??? Love that

His friendship with Jere is the main one of course

Oh yeah and the fact that he literally helped people who collapsed at their gigs a few times

Bless him, he deserves all the rest he is hopefully getting

Jan

First things first, I have a soft spot for math guys

And the way he talks about math is fascinating (but you still won't get me to like it Jan)

Cat dad???? We absolutely adore Igor and a man loving cats is such a green flag

I know people say he mumbles a bit and it's hard to understand him at times, but idk, he talks nice and slowly, so it's still really easy to understand him

He comes from my home region, so I am very biased haha

Also, every band needs a guitarist with luscious locks

He absolutely owns the colour red, that colour was invented specifically for him

The nose ring suits him so well too, this man KNOWS what fits him

And if that ends up being jackets with nothing underneath when he performs, THEN SO BE IT

I know people call Kris the lesbian icon, but from what I've seen lesbians are very drawn to Jan as well

Oh, and he gives me Klaus from the Umbrella Academy vibes (I blame the hair and the pink boa)

Jure

Holy shit, sunshine in human form????

The most underappreciated one in the band imo

His surname literally means 'cat' and I am so normal that Jan has called him 'muca'

He also comes from my region haha, bias again

He's really good at filming, he actually shot a few things for RTV (national TV station) and edited them as well, god, talent

Also playing drums... I have sang, I have played guitar, played bass, but drums is something I feel like I could NEVER do, so hats off to you

As @da-proti-toku-grem pointed out, THE MOLE ON HIS LIP? weak knees, yes

He also reminds me of a good friend of mine and I vibe with him so much, I feel like I would vibe with Jure as well

I really don't like the fact that drummers tend to get ignored and I just wish there was more Jure performing content

Though I love it how every time, during Novi Val, he comes to the front and hangs with the others

His hair also looks so soft and fluffy aaaaaa

Again, biased but he resembles my bf the most out of everyone so hmmmm

Kris

The baby of the band! (and the only one in the band I could actually call 'mulc')

In case you didn't know yet, he's half Dutch

And he speaks Dutch, which, as someone who speaks Dutch (in theory, not in practice) makes me really happy

I wish to study him linguistically as well

Also his parents' story feels very close to me, as I'm dating outside of my culture as well

According to him he was menace as a kid and I think we should normalise the fact that you can become a better person as you grow up

But pls don't honk at me on the road Kris, pls, I will cry

The songs he wrote??? NGVOT and Vse kar vem??? Oh boy, I love them, adore them

His holey sweaters are also a vibe

Dutch fans, if you don't shower him and the rest of the band with gifts at their Dutch concerts, I will be mad

Also gotta honorably mention Maks

They gotta be my fav nepo-but-not-really babies out there

Kinda like Maya Hawke?

I am ranting

He also looks like the only member of the band that I would fight, and idk why

Also, I must know if he supports Max Verstappen haha

Minus points for chemistry though, I cannot with that

Nace

Okay everyone

Here we go

We have reached my beloved

I love all of them, but Nace just a bit more

It was love at first sight, I cannot lie

I have a soft spot for bassists and he might actually convince me to try and play bass again

He has been playing it for so long too??? like wow

Oh and of course; THE TATTOOS, BLESSETH BE THE TATTOOS

I will always go feral about his tattoos

At every concert

I know he was the last to join the band but it looks like he fits in so nicely, it's beautiful

Strong mom-codded dad friend vibes

He kinda is the dad of the band haha

And he looks like he gives amazing hugs (lucky all of you who had managed to get one already)

A nice addition to the band

Oh and he's apparently shit at sports which is like... felt

Plus the fact that he wanted to be a vet?

Me too boo, me too, but neither of us is there now

Anway, I'll stop now. In conclusion, this band has my whole heart and they deserve every good thing that happens to them and so much more.

[blackgirlwhowrites2k23]

Heya! Can I pleaseee get a Balde one where he comes to visit you unexpectedly in your uni dorm or flat and you have to try your best to hide him 🥲🫶

Summary: “When I dialed 6-1-1, Repair Service

She said, "Hello, may I help you please?"

I told her something must be wrong with my phone

'Cause my baby wouldn't hang up on me”

You’ve been caught up with preparations for your exams and you’ve put your phone on DND. You told your parents but you forgot to tell a certain someone. 

A/N: Thank you for the requests! More Balde is on the way !!! This one's also about 2,300 words which is more than I've written for the others so enjoy!

It was nearing midnight and your dorm room was shrouded in the dim glow of a desk lamp. The air was a mix of the vanilla-scented candle you'd lit (because who said studying couldn't have a hint of vanilla-scented goodness?), the heavy weight of late-night cramming that threatened to make you fall asleep, and the unmistakable anxiety that hung thick around these times. You were buried in textbooks and notes, fully immersed in the world of exam preparation; it was like a battlefield, and each page you turned was a strategic move. Your desk was a war room, scattered with the casualties of highlighters and sticky notes. With a crucial test looming on the horizon, you had put your phone on "Do Not Disturb" mode all day in hopes of getting all your work done and fully being prepared for your upcoming finals. With your notifications silenced, the only sounds that reverberated through your dorm were the rustling of papers and the occasionally frustrated sigh that came from the depths of your soul and empty stomach.

You had made sure to inform your parents about your temporary digital escape, not wanting them to worry and assume something bad had happened–knowing them. Thoughts of a time when they'd practically filed a missing person report because you forgot to text back for a few hours came to the surface causing a soft smile to grace your features. You were glad you had people who worried about you. Speaking of people who worried about you, you had kinda forgotten to clue in a certain someone—Alejandro, your boyfriend. With a big game on the horizon for the star football player, the anticipation was probably cranking up his stress levels so you decided it best to let him be fully focused anyway. He’ll forgive you. You chuckled at the mental image of him panicking after receiving a missing person report from your parents after you two had spent the whole day together laughing and catching up.

As the clock ticked past midnight, you were in the trenches; engrossed in your notes, oblivious to the multiple missed calls and messages from Alejandro. 

Outside your door, there was a soft melody that was almost like a distant echo, barely audible at first but gradually growing louder with each passing second. The muffled thumping of heavy bass reached your ears, accompanied by a tantalizing melody that teased the edges of your memory. You definitely knew the song, but it was so muffled that you couldn’t quite catch the words. It was the kind of tune that, under normal circumstances, would have lured you out to join the invisible party or belt out whatever lyrics were being played in the hallway.

However, irritation crawled under your skin as the music continued to infiltrate your room. At first, you tried to brush it off, but the irritation morphed into a gnawing frustration, and you felt an almost growing urge to do something about it. The fantasy of storming out into the hallway to confront the culprit played out in your mind. You imagined yourself going out there and asking if they were “out of their damn mind” and to “turn that noise down” or maybe taking the polite route and requesting to turn it down, which would be a remarkable level of self-control. Or maybe doing a little bit of both.

With a sigh and a reluctant shake of your head, you decided that enough was enough. It was time to restore the peace. Taking a deep breath, you steeled yourself for the confrontation ahead. Whether through a polite request or a no-nonsense intervention, you were not going to fail this test because you were too busy turning up to your dorm neighbor’s music.

You swung the door open, ready to give a piece of your mind, only to be met with the sight of Alejandro, a mischievous grin on his face, holding a portable speaker playing the soulful tune. Confusion flickered across your face, but before you could react, he grabbed your hand, pulled you into the hallway, and began to dance and sing.

"What in the world, Alej!? Boy, do you mind explaining why you're playing music outside my door at this ungodly hour?" you asked in a sort of hushed shout as a mix of irritation and amusement was in your tone as you crossed your hands across your frame.

He grabbed your hands again and twirled you in a spontaneous dance move, still singing, "Mr. Telephone Man, there's something wrong with my line. When I dial my baby's number, I get a click every time!"

You couldn't help but laugh at the unexpected serenade, even as your irritation lingered. "Seriously, though, what are you doing here?"

He flashed you a playful smile and continued to sing, "Mr. Telephone Man, there's something wrong with my line. When I dial my baby's number, I get a click every time!"

Your confusion deepened, and you shot him a bemused look. "Be forreal, is this some kind of weird initiation prank or...?"

With a twirl and a flourish, he sang the next line, "When I dialed 6-1-1, Repair Service

She said, "Hello, may I help you please?"

I told her something must be wrong with my phone

'Cause my baby wouldn't hang up on me!"

It finally clicks. You couldn't decide whether to be annoyed or amused. "Okay, wow. You are petty."

He finally paused his impromptu performance, looking at you with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Just thought I'd drop by since my baby doesn’t know how to answer the phone. I thought I’d add a little musical magic to your study night and bless you with my singing skills. You know, since I’m you’re good luck charm."

“I thought I was your good luck charm,” you raised an eyebrow, caught between a sly smirk and a reluctant smile. " And I thought you had a match coming up, so I thought I’d let you focus. I didn’t want to be a bother.” 

“We’re each other’s lucky charms.” He chuckled before he placed both his arms firmly on your shoulders as his face got serious, "And you’re never a bother. Don’t let me hear you say that again or you’ll hurt my feelings, man."

You couldn't help but shake your head in disbelief as you waved him off. "You could've just knocked, you know."

"But where's the fun in that?" he replied, starting to dance again. "Mr. Telephone Man, there's something wrong with my line..."

You sighed, unable to suppress a smile. "Alright, fine. You win. But let’s bring this inside. If anyone sees you making all this noise they’ll be on my head. People are trying to study."

With that, he pulled you into your dorm, the catchy tune of "Mr. Telephone Man" playing lightly and serving as a great backdrop. It was unexpected, ridiculous, and utterly Alejandro. You couldn't deny the warmth spreading through you as you joined him in the spontaneous dance, grateful for the interruption. Your initial annoyance melted away into laughter as he picked you up and twirled you around, still belting out the lyrics with an endearing off-key charm. The unexpected serenade had you in stitches, and you couldn't help but marvel at the lengths he went to surprise you.

“Oh, wait. I almost forgot.”

He put you down and darted back outside. You stood there, a mix of emotions swirling within, wondering if he was leaving. However, to your surprise, he returned moments later, holding a bouquet of your favorite flowers and a gift basket filled with snacks, comfort food, and a selection of your favorite movies.

As you peered into the gift basket, a grin spread across your face. "What's all this, babe?"

He chuckled, reaching for a snack. "Just a little something to make sure you're fueled up and relaxed for your big day. I’m also hungry though so some of these are for now."

You picked up a kisses chocolate bar and raised an eyebrow at the note attached. "Kisses for good luck?" you read aloud, a playful groan escaping your lips. "Alejandro, you're so corny."

He grinned, teasingly nudging you. "You secretly love my corniness."

You bit back a smile, holding up a Tootsie Roll with a note that read, "You'll do great, toots." "This is quite literally the corniest thing ever," you teased, groaning in affection.

He laughed, "Admit it, you love it."

You attempted to deny it with a nonchalant shrug, but the smile tugging at your lips betrayed you. "Maybe a little."

His eyes twinkled with amusement. "That smile says otherwise."

You rolled your eyes playfully, but couldn't hide the affection in your gaze. "Okay, fine. Maybe a lot."

He leaned in, planting a sweet kiss on your forehead. "That's what I thought."

The gesture left you speechless, and your eyes glistened with tears of joy. Alejandro noticed your tears and immediately grew concerned, reaching out to wipe them away. As you explained the mix of emotions that overwhelmed you, he responded with a snort, teasingly flicking your forehead and calling you a crybaby.

The music still lightly played from the speaker, and just when you thought the night couldn't get any crazier, there was a knock on the door. Your eyes quickly went over to your digital clock that read 1:30 am. Shit. A whole 30 minutes since visitation hours ended. Panic flashed across both your faces as you hastily tried to hide Alejandro. His attempts at concealment were comical at best—behind curtains, under blankets, and even suggesting he'd hide behind the door. You couldn't help but stifle a laugh at his antics.

"Hurry up, Balde! Behind the door? Seriously?" you whispered, trying to keep your voice low while conveying the urgency of the situation.

He shot you a sheepish grin, "Hey, it could work!"

You rolled your eyes, "Not a chance. Get in the closet!"

The knock persisted, and you shot a quick look at Alejandro. With a dramatic flourish, he threw himself into the closet, making you cringe at the potential noise. You shushed him with wide eyes, "Quiet! We're going to get caught."

He hushed back with an exaggerated whisper, "I'm Miles Morales, silent and stealthy."

You bit your lip to suppress a giggle. "More like Alejandro Balde. Loud as hell and clumsy. Just stay quiet!"

As you tried to rearrange the room to look somewhat normal, Alejandro couldn't resist making a joke, "If they ask, you’re going to try out for the cheer team and I was helping you practice."

You shot him a glare and pressed a hand to your lips. He returned the gesture as you closed the closet door. 

The knock on the door grew more insistent, and you quickly continued to shuffle around, trying to make everything look as normal as possible. You shot one last glance at the closet, silently praying that Alejandro could keep quiet.

You quickly adjusted yourself, doing your best to look casual as you opened the door. The RA, a stern-looking figure with a perpetual fake customer service smile, squinted suspiciously.

"Everything okay in here?"

“Hey, girl. Hey.” Real smooth. You put on your best innocent smile, "Yeah, just studying and things of that nature."

She raised an eyebrow, glancing around the room. Her eyebrows lift in appreciation as she hears the music. "Ooh, I love this song. But, don’t keep the music up too loud it’s late."

You nodded, "Of course."

She squinted, looking at the closet. Panic bubbled up inside you as she took a step closer, and you desperately tried to divert her attention.

"So, how's your night going, girlll? Any exciting plans?" you asked, hoping to steer the conversation away from the closet.

She tilted her head, seemingly amused, "Just making my rounds, you know. Checking up on everyone. I caught some people trying to sneak people in past visitation hours so I had to do a sweep of the floor."

Your neck began to get hot as you played along. “Oh wow, who would do something like that.” 

You tried to divert her attention, but she wasn't easily swayed. With a raised eyebrow, she approached the closet, and your heart raced. As she opened the door, you closed your eyes, readying yourself for an explanation.

To your surprise, she closed the door without a word, patting you on the shoulder and bidding you goodnight. Bewilderment washed over you as you rushed over into the closet, only to find it empty. You furrowed your brow in confusion, searching around.

“You need help finding something, ma’am.”

You turned to him, a mix of relief and confusion on your face. "How did you...?"

He winked, his voice barely above a whisper, "I can turn invisible, remember?"

You chuckled softly, rolling your eyes. "You're something else, Alejandro."

He laughed, "Well, we didn't get caught, did we? Now, I can think of something else we can be doing..."

You giggled but waved to him, "Uh Uh, none of that. These walls are super thin."

He pouted, "You're no fun."

You shot him a playful glare, "Says the guy who tried to hide behind the door."

He chuckled, "Fair point. But you have to admit, I added a bit of excitement to your study night."

You playfully rolled your eyes, "Yeah, yeah, Mr. Telephone Man. Let's just hope we don't get another surprise visit."

You spent the rest of the night watching movies, eating snacks, having fun, and cozying up next to someone you knew would always worry about you when you needed him to.

[harryspet]

butterfly kisses | p.parker

[Warnings] dark!grey!peter parker x reader, innocent!little!reader, daddy!caregiver!peter, dominant x submissive, blackwidow!reader, avengers compound/young avengers au, ddlg, age regression, oral sex (female recieving), dubcon!! sex, mental manipulation, reader has ptsd, grooming?, unprotected sex, little editing

A/N: [model in banner is @/enchanted_noir, gif credit to @/defendingwarrior]

In which Peter finds out your little secret and takes advantage. 

word count: 5.3k

taglist:  @cherienymphe @lovelynerdytraveler @hollandsdream @micki-smiles @buckybarnesplumwhore @arts-ismything @saharzek @what-is-your-wish @brattypeony @hermayonegg-blog @buckysugar @mischiefmanaged011 @visintaes  @watercoolerpaint @disaster-rose @slutforsebstan @doozywoozy  @oneoftheprettynerds @xoxonotme @winterbuckystan1917​ @simpformarvelmenandwoman​ @hallecarey1​

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Yelena was practically unstoppable, giving both Bucky and Sam a run for their money. She was faster than them, leaving them spinning whenever she rushed past them. They thought they had her at one point, Bucky’s vibranium arm wrapping around her neck. She was quick to bring her elbow back into his chest and then her fist to his groin. Bucky doubled over but Sam quickly approached with fists raised. She seemed to land all her punches but also take each one that Sam landed with the most grace you’d ever witnessed. 

She tried to trip him, kicking her legs behind his own, but he brought her down with him. They rolled together before he had her pinned beneath him. She thrusted her lower body up, weakening his stance, before grabbing his own arm, pushing it against his chest and pushing him into the mat. As Sam’s head hit the ground hard, he’d clearly accepted defeat. 

“The groin shots are cheap, Belova!” Bucky was still reeling in pain. She eyed you, a tired smirk on her face, as she took in her victory. 

“It’s only fair. You’ve got a hundred pounds on me and I’ve got the ability to kick you in the balls,” You smiled at her words, watching as Yelena helped Sam off the ground. 

You heard footsteps beside you and soon you were looking to your left as Peter Parker claimed the space beside you, “Did you see that?” The question became rhetorical as you noticed his wide eyes and the way he was staring at Yelena, “That was just the third round. So far Yelena’s in the lead.”

“Damn,” Peter cursed though it wasn’t very intimidating on his lips. You only really saw him as the kind, sweet guy who charitably helped you and Yelena adjust after moving to the new compound, “Are you gonna go next?”

You instantly shook your head although you realized your answer might seem strange considering the sports bra and leggings you were wearing. You’d put on workout clothes but hadn’t quite gotten the courage up to train yet, “Yelena is way better hand to hand than me,” It wasn’t a lie but you’d spent your entire life training hand to hand. You grew up in The Red Rom just like she had and were trained by the exact same people. You’d gone toe to toe with Yelena as well and you used to be able to hold your own with her. 

The look on Peter’s face was curious, like he wanted to know more, but he didn’t press the specific topic, “I was gonna box and I’m in need of a sparring partner if you’d like to help me out,” That didn’t give you much room to turn him down so you nodded hesitantly. 

You hadn’t told anyone, only Yelena vaguely knew how much you were frightened of the training room. This place wasn’t at all like the Red Room, you weren’t being beaten or mind controlled into submission. Despite all that, you were afraid of going into survival mode and never being able to escape it again. 

“It’ll be low pressure, I’m way less intense than those guys,” Peter continued, placing a hand on your shoulder, as if he sensed your unease, “Plus, I need way more practice fighting without the webs. I get so used to being in the air sometimes that I forget how to manage on my feet.”

You followed him to the wall on the far right that held all the equipment. You eyed a set of white, 12 ounce fighting gloves but Peter stopped you before you could grab them, “First, jump rope,” He held two sets of jump rope in his hand. One set black and the other green, “What color?”

“I like green,” You admitted and that seemed to amuse him. 

“Y/N!” You heard your name shouted across the room. You turned to see Yelena wrapping a towel around her neck, water bottle in hand, “I’m gonna go pass out but movie night later with Kate?”

You raised your thumb, “Enjoy your nap, I’ll see you later!”

“Enjoy Peter, I’ll see you later,” She winked very badly before she turned on her heel. 

You turned back to Peter, your face warm with embarrassment, “She’s funny,” Peter commented. 

“When she’s not being annoying,” You responded, taking both handles of the rope and stretching it out before you, “Annoyingly clever and annoyingly good at everything.”

Peter narrowed his eyes, “I heard Miss Nat recommended you both for positions in the new Avengers initiative.”

You shrugged, “So?”

“So, that means you’re probably annoyingly clever and good at everything too. You just haven’t shown everyone yet.”

“Maybe so,” Those words were all you’d give up to him. He probably had a point but this environment didn’t really allow for deep thinking for you. You thought you might turn around at any moment and see rows and rows of brainwashed agents behind you. 

You followed his lead and his pace as he began to skip the rope. You weren’t in your best shape, you could feel it already, but you were keeping up. At first, you regretted choosing to stand directly in front of him but the eye contact slowly became less awkward, “This is kinda easy, Peter” You admitted. 

“How. Are you. Speaking. So Easily?” Peter spoke through gasping breaths. Soon, you were increasing your pace as you felt you could go faster. You ended up going way faster than Peter, spinning in circles, as you tried cool tricks.

Peter was trying to keep up with your pace but eventually he had to stop, holding on to his knees as he tried to catch his breath. You slowed down soon after, not wanting to be any more of a show off, “So I was right,” He decided, “You’re good at that.”

You hated the work you used to do but you were reminded of how much you liked the adrenaline rush that came with being physically active. You were far from how you used to be but perhaps the world didn’t need another trained killer, just someone trying her best. 

After your warm up, you and Peter went on to actual boxing. You went back and forth with one person holding the punching mitts while the other practiced combinations. This exercise reminded you of the time you lost to one of the other widows in a sparring match. You were taught the importance of being fast on your feet so your opponents blows can’t land effective blows as well as how to land an effective blow despite having a short reach. She made you chase her around the mat, exhausting you, so she could overtake you. 

The punishment for the loser was always for every other widow to form a line and one by one land a punch to the loser’s stomach. You remembered the different colors of bruises that your stomach turned and how your mouth tasted like blood for days. The times when you were forced to hurt someone else were even more imprinted in your mind. 

Peter realized you weren’t giving it your all, your mind clearly having gone elsewhere, “Hey, hey,” He put down his hands, closing the gap between you. As he came closer, and despite the kind look on his face, your anxiety went through your roof, “What’s wrong? That was good!”

You nodded, “Yeah, I-I just got distracted . . . sorry.”

“That’s okay. You wanna take a break?” You were already taking off your gloves. 

“I think that’s enough for me today,” You spoke curtly, stepping away from him. You knew you’d start hyperventilating soon and you didn’t want anyone to see the person you turned into when you were stressed, “Thanks for this, P-Peter!”

His concerned eyes were on you as you walked, a little too fast, away from him. 

“Yelena! I told you I didn’t want to watch this!” You pushed her shoulder as she maniacally giggled. After a jumpscare, you’d completely spilled your bowl of pretzels and M&M’s which Kate was now on the floor cleaning up. 

“What? That wasn’t even scary!” 

You didn’t understand how a movie about a party clown killing a bunch of school aged children wasn’t nightmare material. Kate clearly didn’t like the movie either but she wasn’t nearly as skittish as you, “I’m picking next time,” Kate announced, “Something we would all actually like.”

“No fun,” Yelena pouted, rolling herself off of your bed. You all rotated who would host movie nights and tonight it took place in your room. You were always an accommodating host, having crochet each of the girls their own special blankets, and lined your dresser with bowls of their favorite snacks. Fairly lights flicker above your bed but the cozy nature of your room served as a sharp contrast to the movie you watched on the screen mounted across the room.

“I want something romantic,” You argued, “Maybe a rom com or a historical romance like Pride and Prejudice.”

Yelena rolled her eyes. 

“How about a romantic thriller?” Kate asked you, ignoring the blonde assassin’s usual behavior. You nodded eagerly, “Okay, cool. I’ll do some research!” 

“I think it’s time for me to turn in,” Yelena faked a yawn. 

Kate grabbed her arm, dragging her towards the door, “C’mon grumpy. Night, Y/N!”

You waved her goodbye, hearing Yelena shout as she was dragged out of the room, suddenly chipper again, “Night, Y/N!” 

You enjoyed spending time with your friends especially now that you and Yelena had become so close to Kate. When they were gone, you missed their company but you knew you needed your nights to yourself. You began your nightly routine, switching the TV from the credits of a horror movie to the Disney logo. 

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.? Lock bedroom door, please,” After hearing the click of the lock, you released a deep breath, “And run a bath, please.” 

You cleaned up any remnants of your friends, folding up their blankets and placing them inside the ottoman near your couch. You kept all the tools for your regression in a secret compartment of your closet. You knew it was unlikely that someone would go rummaging through your personal belongings but you liked the security of F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s system. 

Picking out pajamas for yourself, you chose a pink, care bear onesie and pink socks. You laid it out on your bed before getting undressed. When you finally got to sink into the bath, you felt the stresses of the day melt away. It was a bubble bath, of course, and you loved the mindless task of constructing figures with them and giving yourself mustaches and crowns. 

You were already slipping into your headspace. You’d desperately wanted to be here especially after training with Peter. 

After your bath, you were now trying to practice your skin care in front of the mirror. For years, you barely looked at yourself in the mirror, thinking it would be easier to live with yourself if you dehumanized yourself as much as possible. It was rare that you’d let your eyes wander to your lower stomach where you could see the straight incision scar that traveled from beneath your belly button to your public area. Your own exposure therapy didn’t seem to be working as tears sprung in your eyes everytime. 

You left the bathroom, deciding that you’d braid your hair into a protective style without a mirror. You dressed in your pajamas, grabbing your favorite stuffed animal, a green frog, and burrowing yourself into your sheets. Tinkerbell was playing on the television and at the end of the movie, when Tinkerbell helps bring spring to the mainland, almost always helped sink you into your headspace even deeper. 

It was the middle of the night and you should’ve been sleeping but you had a craving for ice cream. You’d set a rule that you’d always stay in your room when you were in little space but little you often had a mind of her own. You padded to the door, softly asking Friday to open the door, before you checked if the coast was clear. In your pink socks, you tiptoed to the kitchen, holding Prince Naveen close to your chest. 

The compound was quiet and you assumed each of the other Avengers were either fast asleep or keeping to themselves. You never knew Tony Stark but you were quite grateful for his technology … and his money. You weren’t sure what kind of life you’d be able to make for yourself if you didn’t have this opportunity. 

You rummaged through the freezer, finding a half-eaten container of sherbert ice cream. The color was pink like your onesie so it was a no brainer that you’d choose this to dig into. You shut the freezer before finding a big spoon in one of the drawers. You climbed onto the kitchen counter, making yourself comfortable, as you began to dig in. 

“Y/N?” You perked up to see a brown eyed boy staring at you from across the kitchen. He was dressed in a compression shirt and sweatpants, the former highlighting an extremely muscular chest and arms. His figure was even more exaggerated as he crossed his arms. He grinned at you, taking in your appearance, “Is this something Yelena made you wear?”

You frowned, confused, “I’m Love-a-lot Bear.”

Peter looked even more confused than you, “Oh . . . and who’s this guy?” He came closer and you felt a bit annoyed that he was interrupting your ice cream eating. You scooped a bite into your mouth, kicking your legs in happiness as you tasted the deliciousness. 

You looked down at the frog stuffie sitting beside you, “Prince Naveen. He got turned into a frog but I’m taking care of him.”

“Like in that movie …” He raised an eyebrow. 

You nodded, “Princess and the Frog. Have you seen it?”

“Once, I think.”

“I’ve seen it about …” You calculated it in your mind, “Fifty-four times. I can quote it word by word. Do you want to hear? The Evening Star is shining bright, so make a wish and hold on tight, there's magic in the air tonight-” You began to sing but Peter shushed you as your voice got louder. 

“You’re gonna wake everyone up,” He whispered and you looked down, cross eyed at the finger that was now pressed against your lips. You nodded and he slowly removed it. 

“Oops,” You whispered, “Why is everyone sleeping when there’s ice cream to eat?”

“Y/N … did something happen to you?”

You shrugged, other more pressing things occupying your thoughts, “I don’t think so … I just wanted ice cream. I better get going because I left all my other stuffies and they can get into trouble when I’m not watching them. Plus, I’m watching all the Tinker Bell movies.”

You hopped off the counter, “Do you want to come?” You felt like you could trust him and that’s why you wrapped one of your hands in his. He didn’t answer with words but he followed you, grabbing your frog that you almost left behind, as you led him to your room, “What’s your name?”

“You don’t remember?” You looked at him with innocent eyes, “Peter, my name’s Peter.”

“Like Peter Pan?” You smiled.

“Yeah, like Peter Pan.”

Peter paid close attention as you introduced him to each one of your stuffed animals. Each one had a name and a short backstory. You told him how you liked to get a new one every time you were in the city. Before he saw your room, Peter never would’ve guessed you’d like any of this stuff.  You were quieter and more humble than Yelena but Peter knew you were just as strong. He wasn’t sure why you were acting this way but he wouldn’t deny a chance to get closer to you. 

You also explained the entire Tinker Bell franchise to him, introducing him to every character and the politics of Pixie Hollow, “Did you grow up watching these movies?”

You shook your head, yawning, before you rested your head on his shoulder. The two of you sat closely on the couch, your legs sprawled over Peter’s lap, “I didn’t get to be smaller… for a long time. I like being like this, Peter.” Of course you weren’t watching Disney movies growing up as a little girl in the Red Room, Peter suddenly realized. Peter’s mind was reeling, not truly understanding how you seemed to be a completely different person. 

You fell asleep soon and Peter knew he couldn’t spend the night here. He couldn’t risk someone seeing him coming out of your room and he certainly didn’t want the other version of you waking up with him in the bed. This version of you didn’t seem to recognize him so would you even remember he was here?

Peter carried you to your bed, tucking you in, and placing your favorite frog in your arms. He held your cheek in his hands, feeling the soft skin there, and admired the features on your face. He liked you before he’d known just how innocent you could be. He imagined your hand in his again, he could still feel the softness of your hands and the warmness in his heart. 

Peter wanted to grow to love you. 

The next morning, Peter was working in the lab with Bruce. He’d skipped breakfast, not sure if he was ready to face you after what happened last night. You’d gone from sparring partners to cuddle buddies so quickly that Peter was worried he’d imagined the entire thing last night, “Mr. Banner, sir?”

The man looked up from his laptop, “Yeah, Peter?”

“What do you know about trauma responses?”

“I’m not a psychologist, Peter,” He folded his arms, his eyebrows scrunched on his forehead. 

“But you’re a genius, right?”

Bruce gave him an amused look, “Why are you thinking about trauma responses?”

“Well … would it make sense for someone who went through a traumatic event … or had a traumatic life, for them to sort of revert back to a younger age.”

“Age regression?” Peter nodded as Bruce caught on, “I’d consider it a coping mechanism maybe for illnesses like PTSD. I’ve seen it used as a therapy technique. It allows the person to go back to an earlier state that may have been less traumatizing for them. I imagine this could be voluntary or involuntary depending on the case.”

Peter sat with his words for a moment, “And how do you think someone could . . . help another person that’s age regressing.”

“If it’s a good coping mechanism that’s working for them, I imagine any kind of support would be good. Being there for that person, however they need. Hopefully they get outside support from a mental health specialist for whatever is causing the regression,” Peter nodded, “You’ve met someone like this.”

“Uhm . . . yeah,” Peter answered, “Someone I met in the city while playing Spiderman. It’s not a big deal. I’m just curious.”

Bruce didn’t push the subject further. 

Your work was interrupted by Kate knocking on the glass door that led into the room. Both you and Yelena were standing behind her and you seemed to be laughing and talking together, “Pete, we’re going to the city! You coming?” Kate shouted through the glass. 

“You all have got a big mission tomorrow,” Bruce warned, not looking up from his laptop. 

“We’ll probably be back before late,” Peter stood from his seat, a mischievous look on his face, “No worries.”

Bruce hummed as if he wasn’t sure that he believed the young Avenger. 

“I’m sorry I ran out of training so fast,” Peter was shocked to hear you say. You were sitting beside each other on the train, an awkward situation that Yelena and Kate had arranged themselves, “I get overwhelmed sometimes.”

“Right,” Peter nodded nervously, “It’s okay. I get overwhelmed sometimes too, you know.”

“Really?” 

It really seemed that you hadn’t remembered him being with you last night. Peter half expected to see you in a onesie again, chatting away about Disney movies and desserts again. Instead, you were dressed like a normal, twenty-something who was going to the city with her friends. 

“Yeah, sometimes I’ll see something or hear something that reminds me of my Aunt … or Mr. Stark, and it doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I just feel like I’m gonna hyperventilate. Like I can’t get air properly into my lungs and I start sweating … and I just get irritable and not fun to be around. And when it’s over, I just feel embarrassed.”

Something flickered in your eyes, something like understanding, “I get embarrassed too. I suppose it’s just a chemical thing. Fight or flight, I mean. Nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“You’re probably right,” Peter’s smile was weak, “It’s just hard losing people.”

You nodded in agreement, “It’s hard not having anyone to lose.”

Peter wondered if you remembered the family that you were taken from. Peter even wondered if you considered looking for them, “Friends are just as important as family sometimes. It’s good that you have Yelena and Kate.”

“That’s true. Maybe we should be better friends, Peter,” Peter’s eyes turned to you quickly, a bit of wonderment on his face, “If you want, I mean.”

“Hell yeah,” Peter spoke a little quickly but he was encouraged by the warm smile that grew on your face, “I have places around Queens I want to show you guys.”

Peter showed you all where he grew up and the four of you enjoyed sandwiches from Delmar’s for lunch. Next, Peter wanted to show you guys his favorite part of Queens. The museums. Initially, Yelena took a hard stance that going to museums would be boring but even she was entertained by the cool exhibits at the science museum Peter showed you around. 

You and Peter talked so much. Much more than either of you expected. You were practically glued to his lip just the same way Kate was always glued to Yelena. 

You went to an art museum next, joining an already established tour group in the middle of their own tour. Peter watched you walking around the gift shop in wonderment at all the handmade knick knacks that were for sale in order to support the museum. Peter approached you, a gift bag in hand, “I got you something.”

“What?” You blurted out, confusion evident in your features, “You don’t need to-”

“Just look,” Peter pulled out the miniature figurine he’d just purchased. It was of a small green frog sitting underneath a red mushroom for shade. 

Your eyes widened, “Oh, Peter!” You took the figurine carefully in your hands, your voice going up several octaves as excitement filled you, “It’s so beautiful! Look at the little mushroom! How did you know I loved frogs?”

Peter lied, “I just thought you’d like it.”

“You really didn’t have to. I don’t deserve-”

“You do,” Peter assured you, “Keep it, please. It’s for you.”

You wrapped your arms around his neck as you hugged him, “Thank you,” The way his hand pressed into your back sent shivers through you. 

“Are you gonna take good care of it?” Peter knew his words came out slightly patronizing and he could tell he might’ve embarrassed you slightly but you nodded shyly in response. 

“I will, I promise.”

When Peter knocked on your door a few nights later, the compound was quiet. All that he could see in the dark hallway were sparkling lights shining beneath your doorway. When the door opened, he was glad to see Smaller you, “Peter Pan,” You greeted him, your voice soft and sleepy, “Hi.”

“Hello, little one,” You looked pleased with the nickname, “Or should I call you princess?”

Peter closed the door behind him, taking in the fact that you were only in a white t-shirt, pale blue panties and fuzzy socks, “Both,” You angled your head at him, “But I’d like to be a fairy princess.” 

“I should’ve known.” There was something so alluring about being with you in this state. It was like being with you at your most vulnerable state and Peter liked being the only one who knew about Smaller you, “What have you been doing up so late?”

There was no Disney movie playing tonight but F.R.I.D.A.Y. was playing a soft melody of classical music. Peter wondered why you’d made that choice. You grabbed his hand, bringing him over to your own desk to show him what you’d been working on, “Drawing,” You answered, showing him the array of papers, pushing the scatter crayons out of the way, “Look at these, Petey. Look.”

Two of the photos were quite familiar. One was a drawing of a small frog sitting beneath a mushroom and the other was two people standing together near what he assumed was an art exhibit. The girl was wearing a plaid shirt just like she had the other day and the boy was wearing a black jacket. 

“It’s me and you,” Peter said.

“It is?” Your doe eyes looking up at him threatened to make him melt there on the spot, “Will you take me there?”

“Of course,” Peter agreed, “We’d look so cute together.”

“Yeah,” You beamed, “But I’d wear a pretty dress.”

“And I’d look like a frog in comparison. It would be perfect.”

“Don’t say that, Petey,” You squeezed his hand, “You look like . . . can I tell you a secret?”

Peter nodded and you motioned for him to lean down so you could whisper in his ear, “I think you like a handsome Prince.”

Peter chuckled at that, “Do you?” You nodded and Peter whispered into your ear next, “I won’t tell anyone your secret.”

You looked away shyly. You showed him the rest of the pictures and Peter encouraged you to put all the crayons back in the proper spot back in the carton. 

“Are you ready for bed yet?” Peter asked you, “It’s getting really late.”

You frowned, “I don’t like sleep. Can we stay up? Maybe we can play pretend?”

“Why don’t you like to sleep?”

You just shook your head, letting go of Peter’s hand, so you could rummage through your closet and find something else to do, “We could play a card game!”

Peter faked a yawn, walking over to your bed, “I’m really tired, Y/N. Maybe tomorrow.”

“Or a board game!”

“I’ll just sleep and you can play a game. I have some special sleepy dust I got from a fairy friend of mine. It’s gonna help me sleep,” Peter climbed into the fluffy white sheets of your bed, knowing your words had definitely caught your attention, “I guess you won’t need any, princess.”

Peter heard your feet pad over to the bed, “You have a fairy friend?”

“Yeah. I went to outer space once and I met one,” Peter shrugged, “On their planet, lots of princesses and princes have trouble sleeping because they have nightmares.”

“Oh,” The look on your face was doleful, “I get bad dreams like all the time. Would it work on me?”

“C’mere and I’ll show you,” Peter patted the spot next to you. You were hesitant as you climbed in the bed with him, “Lay down on your back for me.”

You did as he said, laying on your back with your head resting against a pillow, “And close your eyes for me, little one.”

“But I’m scared-” Peter pressed his hand to your waist, looking up and down your body. Being so close to you with so little clothing … Peter’s idea turned darker than he originally intended it to be. He was helping you, that meant he could help himself a little too. 

“I’m here, don’t worry,” As you slowly close your eyes, Peter took the opportunity to let his hands wander even further, “I’m going to sprinkle the dust over you now. Keep your eyes closed.”

Peter could feel you growing slightly impatient, “Petey, I don’t feel anything yet-”

“Of course you can’t feel anything yet, silly. I haven’t activated it yet,” Peter parted your legs, climbing over your body and settling between your legs, “I want you to call me something, okay? To help the fairy dust work.”

“What is it?”

“Call me Daddy.”

“But you’re not-”

“I am, I’m taking care of you, right?” You nodded, “Then that’s what you have to call me. Especially for the dust to work. Understand?”

“Okay … okay, Daddy,” The word couldn’t have sounded any better on your lips. Peter’s hard-on was already pressing against the fabric of his boxers. His fingers travel beneath your panties, softly feeling your folds. Before you could say another word, Peter’s lips were pressed to yours, swallowing your concerns and then eventually your whimpers.

Peter made his way down to your breasts, pulling your shirt up so they were exposed. He attacked the sensitive buds with his tongue, which seemed to bring you even more pleasure than the gentle fingering of your clit. He could feel you growing wetter, leading him to his fingers traveling to your sensitive hole. 

“You’re so beautiful, princess,” Peter said as he kissed over your stomach, including the scar that brought you so much anguish, “Daddy’s gonna take care of you. Make you real sleepy.”

When Peter first slid your panties to the side and pressed his mouth to your hole, your eyes shot open, “Stay still, little one,” Peter spoke with his mouthful. You tried your best not to squirm as the touch brought you an overwhelming new feeling of pleasure. 

You wanted to smile, to laugh, and to scream all the same time. It was his softness and wetness pressed against your own softness and wetness. He kissed you down there in a way that was difficult to describe but you could feel a slow build starting in your toes till it all completely rushed to your head. Your body was experiencing waves of pleasure and you were glad when he removed his mouth so you weren’t tortured further. 

Peter watched you ride at the orgasm. He pulled down his sweatpants and boxers with urgencies before grabbing your arms and pinning them above your head. He pressed his tip against your interest, his eyes looking darkly into yours as he slowly pushed inside, “Daddy,” You winced, “P-Peter – Daddy, it hurts!”

“I know, princess,” Peter grunted, “You can take it all, I know you can.”

Peter was right, you somehow stretched around him and that feeling of tearing soon subsided. Now, all you felt was completely full and completely at his mercy. You were trapped beneath him which meant he could set the pace for how fast he wanted to go. You started to only think of him inside you, of that primal pleasure that he was unlocking and the complete warmness that filled your skin. 

“Oh, you feel fucking amazing,” Peter pressed his forehead to yours so he was as close to your as possible. You felt his own eyelashes fluttering against yours, “You feel so good. Tell Daddy you love it.”

“I–” A hard thrust, “Love it, Daddy. I-I love it.”

You were so tight. Impossibly tight. He had to remind himself to not spill over to fast and he slowed his pace but fucked you even harder. When he felt you tightening around him, he felt safe in releasing inside of you. 

Your eyes closed as you tried to catch your breath. Peter fell beside you, and just like he’d promised, you felt like you could sleep for the next few days. Peter pulled the comforter over your body, pressing himself into your tired figure. He admired you closely, his nose rubbing against yours as his lips hovered above your own. 

“I sleepy … Daddy …”

“Goodnight, little one.”

Peter laid there until dawn and all he could think about was how pretty you looked when you came. 

[sinner-sunflower]

P.2 HH Lucifer-centric AU 12/?

STORY 1, PART 1, PART 2, PART 3, PART 4, PART 5, PART 6, PART 7, PART 8, PART 9, PART 10, PART 11, PART 13, PART 14, PART 14.5, PART 15

If you guys see any changes when re-reading a chapter, means that I'm just proofreading and editing it haha

I proofread after I post something. Anyone interested in being a beta reader/proofreader?

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Lucifer is anxious.

After his no more than 10 minute nap was interrupted by the arrival of Belphegor, they were the only 2 in the room. The Sin of Sloth all but ordered that no one enters Lucifer's quarters until she is has looked him over and deemed fine and safe.

He didn't even get to see Charlie but Belphegor in doctor mode is someone he doesn't want to be difficult with.

He could hear the rest of the Sins beyond the door, probably pushing each other to try and sneak a peak or hear something. It reminds him of the time when the Sins first came into existence and acted like clingy children to him and Lilith.

With all the experience he had with them, he still managed to fuck up with Charlie.

Belphegor: -head?

Oh, Bel was talking.

Lucifer: Hmm?

She purses her lips at his inattentiveness and type something on her tablet. This can't be good.

Belphegor: I asked how is your head?

Lucifer: Still attached to me.

Bel gave him a deadpan look.

Belphegor: Very funny.

Lucifer: I am a clown.

Belphegor: Do not let Mammon hear you say that, he might include you as one of his trademark jesters.

Bel fired a few more standard questions and despite her doubts, he was honestly feeling fine. His body and mind is just craving sleep right now but he's in not any sort of pain. Plus, it's not like Bel can cure his problem no matter how good she and her meds are.

Belphegor: Charlie mentioned stuff came out of you? Like dark smoke?

Lucifer: You have to take her word for it because I have no idea what was happening. I was basically asleep the whole time. You should check on her too though. She looks worse than I did.

Belphegor: Yes. Maybe next time, inform one of us of your whereabouts so that the princess doesn't have a mental breakdown when she finds you near dead.

Lucifer: Yeah yeah. But I was only there for a nap. Honest! You know how these Heaven trips are always so tiring, Bel.

Belphegor: Which brings me to my next question, how long have you been coming and going into Heaven?

Lucifer: Uhhh I don't know what you're talking about.

Belphegor: Don't think I did not get that slip of tongue. You said trips.

Lucifer: Did I? I meant trip. Cos this is the first time I've come back there. Yep.

Belphegor: You are supposed to be the father of lies yet you cannot even make up a good enough excuse when the situation calls for it.

Lucifer: Ouch.

Belphegor: So, how long have you been making your secret Heavenly trips without us knowing…… Your Majesty.

Ahhh ever so respectful, even when she's scolding him.

Lucifer: It looks like you already had your suspicions even before I fucked it up.

Belphegor: Opening a portal to a place that is obviously not the entrance to Heaven, having a key to open said portal to a private quarters, not one message above for a permission. It's not rocket science.

Lucifer: Jeez. I didn't even know you were watching that intently.

Belphegor: What servant would I be if I did not keep an eye on my King.

Lucifer: Ain't a good servant supposed to follow their King with no questions asked? This is feeling a lot like an interrogation.

Belphegor: You are correct. And you have mine and the Sins' unyielding loyalty. But.. it does appear like you've forgotten a simple detail.

Lucifer: Oh yeah? And what's that?

Belphegor: You are our big brother. We value you as our family, not simply as royalty.

Lucifer doesn't know what to say to that. Instead he opts to steer the subject.

Lucifer: Do the others know?

Belphegor: I do not think so. And I have half a mind to let them loose on you but.. no. I have a very good inkling you don't want anyone to know of your endeavours.

Lucifer: Just don't tell them. Not yet.

He know Bel won't but he still wants to ask anyway.

Belphegor: Very well. But you are not answering my question. How. Long?

Lucifer can't help but gulp. There's really no getting out of this one. He's a bit glad it's Bel and not anyone else. If there's anyone of the Sins who knows how to keep something to themselves, it's the Sin of Sloth.

Thankfully, she's also too focused on the fact that he's having secret meetings in Heaven than what happened back at the palace.

Lucifer: ….More or less 5000 years ago. It was Michael who reached out first. No one else knows except my siblings up there.

Belphegor: Not even the head Seraphim?

Lucifer: As far as Sera is concerned, I am still banned from setting foot beyond the pearly gates.

Belphegor: Why would the Archangel Michael take that risk then? If found out, would that not affect his standing in Heaven?

Lucifer: At first it was just to stay up to date. He said that he didn't fully trust the council but I think that's just an excuse to have me alone with no one hovering. It's not frequent enough that anyone in Heaven will be able to sense me. But I stopped going when the extermination was proposed.

He took Bel's silence as a cue to continue.

Lucifer: Long before the Fall, Michael and I promised never to lie to each other. And during those secret meetings, I still thought that. I told him everything. But he never told me about the extermination so I guess it was just me upholding that promise. I'm such a fool.

He buries his face in his hands because the he really is a fool. Michael wasn't the only one pretending everything was okay; that anything barely changed. Lucifer hopes that Belphegor doesn't take his secrecy the wrong way.

He just wanted to be the little brother again.

Belphegor: You are a fool.

He can't help but shot Belphegor a pitying look but she puts up a hand before he could say something.

Belphegor: But so was I when I kept that secret that almost destroyed all of Hell. So was Satan for antagonizing the Son of God on Earth which consequently made them think it was you. So was Asmodeus for making his crystals and allowing illegal travels on the human world. So was Mammon when he tried to sue you for the first time and sent you to one of your self-isolation punishments. So was Leviathan for picking a fight with Lilith when you were already in distress. So was Beelzebub for almost letting you drink yourself to death. And so was Lilith for leaving.

The Sin of Sloth moves in front of him so their knees are touching. Bel had never been a touchy person. Much like Alastor, small gestures of touch are her way of shouting her love for you.

He'll forever be honored to be on the receiving end of those kinds of affection because he knows that those gifts given only to people who they think they deserve.

Belphegor: We're fools and we must learn from it. Was it not you who gave humanity the gift of knowledge? Who gave us life? Who gave us free will? So now you have the free will to choose if you'll remain one.

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I don't know why but I love writing Belphegor so much. It's the way she talks that is just easy to keep writing.

Anyway, continuation of this is tomorrow!

I only wanted a Bel and Luci chapter again, you'll see the rest of the Sins and Charlie again tomorrow!

Likes, reblogs, and comments are always appreciated!

[yesisaidit]

*Edited to add plain text at bottom.*

I want to imagine for a moment what was going through Nick and Charlie's heads when they share their first kiss. The build up had to be incredible. The tension caused by their attraction a palpable and electric thing.

Charlie's inner thoughts.

Nick's inner thoughts.

Charlie, feeling hopelessly lost and all in his feelings for Nick, thinking, I can do this. I can be his supportive friend. I mean, he's my best friend. This is what best friends do right? They talk about their crushes and support each other. It's fine if he doesn't have a clue what he does to me. I can't tell him or he won't be so casual about his touches…maybe that would be a good thing? No, no, I'm not ready to give up Nick hugs or the way he grabs my hands sometimes. No. Charlie, keep your feelings to yourself. Deep breath, be his friend.

Meanwhile, Nick is sitting next to him in full panic mode.

Come on, Nick. You can do this. Just look at him and say, Hey Charlie, guess what? I think I might like boys too or at least one boy. God that's awful! I can't say that. Plus it's not the same, is it?. I don't like all boys like this, just one very particular boy. Right? God, he's so close to me I can smell his shampoo. It would be totally weird if I just sniffed him wouldn't it?

And then Charlie asks, "Was Harry being serious? Do you have a crush on Tara?"

Nick, scrambling mentally, What is he even talking about! How could he think…

"No! No. Definitely not!" That was too aggressive wasn't it!?! Too strong of a response. Oh God! Look at him looking at me. How could I not want to kiss him? Oh…kiss him. Do I want to kiss him? Complete and total yes. I might burst into flames if I don't.

Charlie glances away, feeling shy from the strength of Nick's no and the intensity his gaze. You're his friend, he is straight. He's always intense, so fucking sincere it hurts to look at him sometimes. Jesus Charlie. Get a grip. Does he know what that look is doing to me? Does he know how soft and huggable he looks right now? Does he know…

Charlie: "So… you don't have a crush on anyone at the moment?" Am I a glutton for punishment!? Apparently I need to hear Nick Nelson tell me in person that he's straight. I am pathetic.

If only he knew! "Well…I didn't say that." Was that too obvious! God! I should have Googled…how to tell your best mate that you are attracted to him…he gets it now, right? He's going to ask and I'm going to tell him and…

Fuck. It's got to be that Imogen girl then, right? Or it could be some other supremely gorgeous girl. My chest aches. Suck it up, Charlie, you knew this would happen. This is what comes of falling for a straight boy who also happens to be the best friend ever. Fuck! Don't cry!?! I am such an idiot! "Oh…um…What's she like then?"

He! What's he like?!? He's well, he's you Charlie. I'm going to just tell him. "You're just going to assume they're a she?" Hah! It's you, Charlie! You're amazing Charlie! Oh no. He looks shocked. I'm a bit shocked myself! Oh God! What if he doesn't feel like that towards me! What if he just wants us to be friends! If I keep looking at him, he's going to know, but I can't look away. He's just so incredibly beautiful. So soft and lovely and brave and amazing.

*Gay Panic* WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK DID HE JUST SAY!?! What did he just say!?! Did he just imply that his crush might not be a girl! I have to know. I have to ask! "Are they...are they not a girl?" Gaghshjdiej!!! No…Don't look away! Just tell me Nick! Don't you see what you're doing to me!?!

Stop staring at his lips. Focus! Say it! It's you, Charlie. It's you. You. Just say something! *Gay panic* "Um…" Fuck!

No, wait. I can do this! I can say it! I can't. I'm a fucking coward. Come on, Nick! If you want something you have to fight for it! Do we want this?

Yes, we abso-fucking-lutely-do!

I think I made him nervous….Christ Charlie! Coming out is terrifying. Of course he's nervous! Don't make it worse! Ask an easier question. Put your feelings on hold and reassure him! Calmly now, "Would you go out with someone who wasn't a girl?" Brilliant you twat! Because that's an easier question!

Look at him and say yes, you! Do it! (Turns to look at Charlie. Panics Forgets how to breathe.) "I don't know…" Take a breath you moron. Another one. Now tell him. Yes, if it's you, Charlie. I'd go out with a boy if it's you. I think. "Maybe...?"

Way to go, Nelson! You're a fucking idiot. Just use your words, mate! Shit! He looks…sad?…Distraught? He's looking away. Fuck! I blew it. This isn't fucking hard Nick! Right!?! I'm only trying to tell my best friend that I think I'm half in love with him!

That was an intense look wasn't it? I'm not imagining things. He was looking at me with…need? Maybe he's still unsure of his sexuality. Let's push the boundaries a bit. (Shifts closer. ) Deep breath, I'm shaking. I can do this, you can do this Charlie. (Lays hand near Nick's.) I can feel the heat of his hand it's so near mine. I can feel his heat and hear his erratic breathing. He's so close. (Closes his eyes.) God, I want to kiss him. Please…Let this work. "Would you kiss someone who wasn't a girl?"

Uhh! His voice! How can it be hoarse and soft at the same time!?! I have freaking goosbumps. Goosebumps! Only Charlie tangles me up like this. Would I kiss someone else who wasn't a girl? "I don't know."

Crap! That's not what I meant. I meant..No! Because it's you! It's all you! Ask me if I like you! Ask me if it's you. Ask me if you're what's different and special. Can't you see it in my eyes!

Be brave Charlie. Just give him a little nudge. See how reacts to the contact.

Can't you tell that it's you!?! I'm going tell him….(Charlie touches his pinkie to Nick's and Nick's brain short circuts. His breath hitches and his heart swan dives right off the deep end. His stomach clenched with equal parts nervous butterflies and excitement like he's never known.) Charlie's initiating contact! He never touches me first! Holy…fuck.

He's not pulling away…that's good, right? Oh. My. That's quite the look. Nick… Do you know what that look does to my heart? Does he have any idea…I have to know if he means what I think that look is saying.

Jesus, looking at Charlie is like looking at the world. The whole great big, beautiful, crazy world is right there in his beautiful eyes.

Here we go. It's now or never. The next moment will change everything. Be brave Charlie. I can do this. "Would you kiss me?" Oh no…Don't look away. He looked away. (Turning his head to stare at their pinkies, which are still touching.) I'm an idiot. Of course the answer is nnn…Is that him? Is that no…is he…did his pinkie,…is he touching me more…Oh My God! He is! (Charlie's brain short circuts.)

Those sparks. It's like there are sparks under my skin. Every part of me lighting up. I'm one giant fuse to a firework of feelings and life that only came awake because of this beautiful boy. Looking at him, being with him, touching him…it's like I'm breathing for the first time. It's like finally being alive. He is so beautiful. Evey. Single. Piece. Of. Him. Would I kiss him? Yes. Yes, I would. "Yeah." Really articulate Nelson! But honestly, I'm so overwhelmed with all that I feel, right now, this moment, for him, I'm lucky I could talk at all and not just nod like an idiot. We srere going to kiss now aren't we…we have to…I don't think I can keep breathing unless I know if his lips are really as soft as they look. Does he takes as good as he smells? Do I lean in? Am I supposed to initiate? I've only kissed one other person and I was 13! (His frantic brain quiets with one thought.) Charlie! Charlie will take care of it. I just have to trust Charlie. And I do, I trust him. And I need him to kiss me, just him. Just you, Charlie.

He. Fucking. Said. YES!! Slowly Charlie. Be cool. Don't freak out! This is his first kiss, with a boy. This is OUR fucking first kiss! And he's scared, but maybe excited too, I think…

I'll just, move slowly. Give him time to change his mind. Please don't change your mind! I think I might die if I don't get to kiss you. I need to kiss you, like I need air, like I need food or water. I need you. Just you, Nick.

And then, they kiss.

And it's everything!

And not enough. Not nearly enough.

So they kiss again.

❤Let me know if you want more.❤

@jason-pd you asked, so I wanted to make sure you saw it. I hope you like it.

I want to imagine for a moment what was going through Nick and Charlie's heads when they share their first kiss. The build up had to be incredible. The tension caused by their attraction, a palpable and electric thing.

Charlie, feeling hopelessly lost and all in his feelings for Nick, thinking, (Charlie's inner thoughts: I can do this. I can be his supportive friend. I mean, he's my best friend. This is what best friends do right? They talk about their crushes and support each other. It's fine if he doesn't have a clue what he does to me. I can't tell him or he won't be so casual about his touches…maybe that would be a good thing? No, no, I'm not ready to give up Nick hugs or the way he grabs my hands sometimes. No. Charlie, keep your feelings to yourself. Deep breath, be his friend.)

Meanwhile, Nick is sitting next to him in full panic mode.

(Nick's inner thoughts: Come on, Nick. You can do this. Just look at him and say, Hey Charlie, guess what? I think I might like boys too or at least one boy. God that's awful! I can't say that. Plus it's not the same, is it?. I don't like all boys like this, just one very particular boy. Right? God, he's so close to me I can smell his shampoo. It would be totally weird if I just sniffed him wouldn't it?)

And then Charlie asks, "Was Harry being serious? Do you have a crush on Tara?"

Nick, scrambling mentally, What is he even talking about! How could he think…

Nick: "No! No. Definitely not!"

(Nick's inner thoughts: That was too aggressive wasn't it!?! Too strong of a response. Oh God! Look at him looking at me. How could I not want to kiss him? Oh…kiss him. Do I want to kiss him? Complete and total yes. I might burst into flames if I don't.)

Charlie glances away, feeling shy from the strength of Nick's no and the intensity of his gaze. (Charlie's inner thoughts: You're his friend, he is straight. He's always intense, so fucking sincere it hurts to look at him sometimes. Jesus Charlie. Get a grip.)

( Nick's inner thoughts: Does he know what that look is doing to me? Does he know how soft and huggable he looks right now? Does he know…)

Charlie: So… you don't have a crush on anyone at the moment? (Charlie's inner thoughts: Am I a glutton for punishment!? Apparently I need to hear Nick Nelson tell me in person that he's straight. I am pathetic.)

(Nick's inner thoughts: If only he knew!) Nick: "Well…I didn't say that."

(Nick's inner thoughts: Was that too obvious! God! I should have Googled…how to tell your best mate that you are attracted to him…he gets it now, right? He's going to ask and I'm going to tell him and…)

(Charlie's inner thoughts: Fuck. It's got to be that Imogen girl then, right? Or it could be some other supremely gorgeous girl. My chest aches. Suck it up, Charlie, you knew this would happen. This is what comes of falling for a straight boy who also happens to be the best friend ever. Fuck! Don't cry!?! I am such an idiot!) Charlie: "Oh…um…What's she like then?"

(Nick's inner thoughts: He! He's well, he's you Charlie. I'm going to just tell him.)

Nick: "You're just going to assume they're a she?"

(Nick's inner thoughts: Hah! It's you, Charlie! You're amazing Charlie!

Oh no. He looks shocked. I'm a bit shocked myself! Oh God! What if he doesn't feel like that towards me! What if he just wants us to be friends! If I keep looking at him, he's going to know, but I can't look away. He's just so incredibly beautiful. So soft and lovely and brave and amazing.)

(Charlie's inner thoughts. *Gay Panic* WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK DID HE JUST SAY!?! What did he just say!?! Did he just imply that his crush might not be a girl! I have to know. I have to ask!)

Charlie: "Are they...are they not a girl?" (Charlie's inner thoughts: Gaghshjdiej!!! No…Don't look away! Just tell me Nick! Don't you see what you're doing to me!?!)

(Nick's inner thoughts: Stop staring at his lips. Focus! Say it! It's you, Charlie. It's you. You. Say something! *Gay panic* Nick: "Um…"

(Nick's inner thoughts: Fuck! No, wait. I can do this! I can say it! I can't. I'm a fucking coward. Come on, Nick! If you want something you have to fight for it! Do we want this? Yes, we abso-fucking-lutely-do!)

(Charlie's inner thoughts: I think I made him nervous….Christ Charlie! Coming out is terrifying. Of course he's nervous! Don't make it worse! Ask an easier question. Put your feelings on hold and reassure him! Calmly now,) Charlie: "Would you go out with someone who wasn't a girl?"

(Charlie's inner thoughts: Brilliant you twat! Because that's an easier question!)

(Nick's inner thoughts: Look at him and say yes, you! Do it! (Turns to look at Charlie. Panics Forgets how to breathe.)) Nick: "I don't know…"

(Nick's inner thoughts: Take a breath you moron. Another one. Now tell him. Yes, if it's you, Charlie. I'd go out with a boy if it's you. I think.)

Nick: "Maybe...?"

(Nick's inner thoughts: Way to go, Nelson! You're a fucking idiot. Just use your words, mate! Shit! He looks…sad? …Distraught? He's looking away. Fuck! I blew it. This isn't fucking hard Nick! Right!?! I'm only trying to tell my best friend that I think I'm half in love with him!)

(Charlie's inner thoughts: That was an intense look wasn't it? I'm not imagining things. He was looking at me with…need? Maybe he's still unsure of his sexuality. Let's push the boundaries a bit. (Shifts closer.) Deep breath, I'm shaking. I can do this, you can do this Charlie. (Lays hand near Nick's.) I can feel the heat of his hand it's so near mine. I can feel his heat and hear his erratic breathing. He's so close. (Closes his eyes.) God, I want to kiss him. Please…Let this work.) Charlie: "Would you kiss someone who wasn't a girl?"

(Nick's inner thoughts.Uh! His voice! How can it be hoarse and soft at the same time!?! I have goosebumps. Goosebumps! Only Charlie tangles me up like this. Would I kiss someone else who wasn't a girl?) Nick: "I don't know."

(Nick's inner thoughts: Crap! That's not what I meant. I meant..No! Because it's you! It's all you! Ask me if I like you! Ask me if it's you. Ask me if you're what's different and special. Can't you see it in my eyes!)

(Charlie's inner thoughts: Be brave Charlie. Just give him a little nudge. See how he reacts to the contact.) (Nick's inner thoughts: Can't you tell that it's you!?! I'm going to tell him….(Charlie touches his pinkie to Nick's and Nick's brain short circuits. His breath hitches and his heart swan dives right off the deep end. His stomach clenched with equal parts nervous butterflies and excitement like he's never known.) Charlie's initiating contact! He never touches me first! Holy…fuck.)

(Charlie's inner thoughts: He's not pulling away…that's good, right? Oh. My. That's quite the look. Nick… Do you know what that look does to my heart? Does he have any idea…I have to know if he means what I think that look is saying.) (Nick's inner thoughts: Looking at him is like looking at the world. The whole great big, beautiful, crazy world is right there in his eyes.)

(Charlie's inner thoughts: Here we go. It's now or never. The next moment will change everything. Be brave Charlie. I can do this.)

Charlie: "Would you kiss me?"

(Charlie's inner thoughts: Oh no…Don't look away. He looked away. (Turning his head to stare at their pinkies, which are still touching.) I'm an idiot. Of course the answer is nnn…Is that him? Is that no…is he…did his pinkie,…is he touching me more…Oh My God! He is! (Charlie's brain short circuits.))

(Nick's inner thoughts: Those sparks. It's like there are sparks under my skin. Every part of me is lighting up. I'm one giant fuse to a firework of feelings and life that only came awake because of this beautiful boy. Looking at him, being with him, touching him…it's like I'm breathing for the first time. It's like finally being alive. He is so beautiful. Evey. Single. Piece. Of. Him. Would I kiss him? Yes. Yes, I would.)

Nick: "Yeah."

(Nick's inner thoughts: Really articulate Nelson! But honestly, I'm so overwhelmed with all that I feel, right now, this moment, for him, I'm lucky I could talk at all and not just nod like an idiot. We're going to kiss aren't we…we have to…I don't think I can keep breathing unless I know if his lips are really as soft as they look. Does he taste as good as he smells? Do I lean in? Am I supposed to initiate? I've only kissed one other person and I was 13! (His frantic brain quiets with one thought.)Charlie! Charlie will take care of it. I just have to trust Charlie. And I do, I trust him. And I need him to kiss me, just him. Just you, Charlie.)

(Charlie's inner thoughts: He. Fucking. Said. YES!! Slowly Charlie. Be cool. Don't freak out! This is his first kiss, with a boy.

This is OUR fucking first kiss!

And he's scared, but excited, I think…

I'll just move slowly. Give him time to change his mind. Please don't change your mind! I think I might die if I don't get to kiss you. I need to kiss you, like I need air, like I need food or water. I need you. Just you, Nick.)

And then, they kiss.

And it's everything!

And not enough. Not nearly enough.

So they kiss again.

[kaelio]

Macro/micro for the fetish thing 📏

Ok, I know this ask is because of that entry in Anne Rice's journal where she watched Jack & The Beanstalk (she misremembered, I'm pretty sure this was Jack the Giant Slayer) so she could mack on Ian McShane and was annoyed the giants in it weren't hot enough, but obviously this is relevant to me because I draw micro/macro applicable stuff for a couple fandoms, or I have anyway.

The answer to this is, however, complex! Yes, in a way, but also not really, in a different way.

So first off, I like to write pornography, but it can't really get me off if I was the one who wrote it. Same with fanart. It's a writing challenge with a smack of pay-it-forward, or the sex is inherent to something I am trying to capture, but if I write it myself I'm too close to it; I remember too much of the process or mentally go into editing mode.

But as a result I tend to think of fetishes as both multipliers and ingredients.

As a consumer, I tend to think of fetishes as multipliers. Like, something that you're totally neutral on is a 1x. Something you just can't stand at all, total horny-killer, is a 0x. Hypothetically there's no upper bound but, say, 3x would mean the story is 3x hotter to you because it features that fetish. An example for me would be scat. Hard 0x. The second I see it, I'm out. No matter what else is going on, the multiplier is 0; the story is at a level of 0 hotness. The earlier answer on oviposition is like a .1x. I haven't run into a story with it that was good enough to get me off, but Bloodchild got close, so I'm saying with the deftest of hands, it can work. Micro/macro is maybe like a situational 1.2x. It's a little bump but it's not going to be make or break per se. It could be in a story where it added nothing to me.

Because that's where we get into fetishes as ingredients.

When I'm thinking about an effective piece of erotica, it's got components, right? It's expressing some notion. It'll have different ingredients in it that make up the whole, that make for a cohesive work. I do think that micro/macro can enhance some recipes a bit, but more than that, it's a virtually essential ingredient to others. Let's say you're into werewolf porn. If the werewolf is like, same-entity-size.... I dunno. Like I guess. But isn't the werewolf theme usually leaning on some sort of power dynamic that the savage nature of the werewolf highlights? The werewolf is going to be 140 lbs? Sure you don't want it to be a bit more Big? Or, to make a different point, more Small? That might take you in a funnier direction, more like a comedy premise perhaps, but something's being communicated by the inclusion of some kind of noticeable size difference.

Let's now take it over to tentacle porn. God, I tried. I have on an occasional whim thrown my lot in with Kurt Eichenwald and it just does not take. I can't get off to it. I'd love it if I could. But anyway, let's say someone's being pointedly caressed by an octopus. You can't have that be just a regular-size octopus. Kind of pathetic. Obviously, that octopus has to be bigger than an octopus should be. "Well, what if you add more octopuses, like an octopus gangbang?" Sure, that might work for some people. But for me it comes off as lacking in confidence. Oh, you had to bring all your little octopus friends to nail this twink? Sad.

Now, I am a scaley straight-up. The only limiting aspect to this, for me, is that most scalies seem to have gotten into it from like... Spyro the Dragon? And they're really cartoony. Doesn't hit. As a kid, I had books on ancient Egypt, and I was intrigued by Sobek. Also we had a caiman. And my mother would find people in the classified ads who were trying to sell giant snakes and pay for her kids to go pet (but not buy) the giant snakes so we wouldn't be afraid of snakes, like she was, so as a child I was just overwhelmingly exposed to giant (16'+) snakes. My mother would go dump us off at places where big snakes were so we could observe big snakes, like reptile shows and the reptile house at the zoo. The result of this was super funny but suffice to say I am not afraid of snakes. (Not into vore though! Does nothing for me! Responsible owners don't live-feed.) I want to be super clear: I do not want to fuck animals, never have, but I did want to nail Bleu in Breath of Fire more than you can possibly imagine. However, if I'm doing scaley stuff in particular, one simply has to admit that micro/macro is the baking soda in that quickbread. It's not the part that makes that fetish work, but it's certainly more likely to turn out the way you intended if you put a little bit of it in there. When I made Cardassians huge in my DS9 redesigns, however, that was mostly in service of it being funny since I was a major bottom-Garak advocate, the bigger they are the funnier that is. Also like, whiny old queen giant lizardman is just fun and has room to spitball where like, I don't know, a more straightforward big hot lizard man would utterly bore me. It can't all be baking soda.