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atalossofwords · 27 days

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YOU TASTE THE SILVER - IvanTill WIP (Part 9)

Guys, I don't normally post here unless I have at least another POV ready, but I'm gonna admit this last Ivan POV is NOT working out. I rewrote it three times, and it's still fighting me. Hopefully I can dig myself out of the ditch, but oh well. Y'all can enjoy Till's POV while I suffer.

ON AO3 - part one - part two - part three - part four - part five&six - part seven - part eight

Till's life is going well. He's used to the new house, he's found new inspiration to write and mix more songs ever since Mizi's concert, so he's going live more often, which means his audience has been growing steadily. Dewey got a promotion at work and Isaac is doing an EMT course that will guarantee him a promotion as well.

He's also started chatting more often with Navi, enough so that they are... almost friends? He doesn't want to assume, but Navi is always so happy to talk about anything Till wants that the conversation flows easily. Navi especially likes to know what Till is eating, all the boring details that Till finds himself... eager to share. Till has never been overly chatty, and idle conversation is awkward, but somehow Navi shows so much interest in what he has to say that Till finds himself invested in expressinging himself more, in looking for things to talk about.

Navi likes knowing what Till thinks of the weather, and actively engages with him over which brand of ramyeon is better. Somehow, they can get into discussions over the most innocuous thing, and end up discussing music and lyrics and mixing for hours on end.

They have an ongoing discussion about the use of english in lyrics, which frequently comes back up whenever one of them thinks of another argument, and also an untold pact of sending animal pictures to each other; Till sends pictures of any dog he sees on the street, because Navi said it's his favorite animal even if he can't have one, and Navi sends back cat pictures, since his sister has one and cat pictures are easier than snake ones, which are Till's favorite animal.

Till feels... warm, about it. He's never had many friends, being a lone wolf throughout his school years; he was always in detention, or going directly home after school. He'd always had a temper, something that only really cooled after he left school and was allowed to focus on music. Dewey was his brother, not his friend, and Hyuna was more of an acquaintance than a close friendship.

Till also felt. Guilty, maybe? About the amount of money Navi kept spending on him. He wasn't a friendship expert, but he was pretty sure friends didn't send you almost 50$ dollars when you complained about picking between ramyeon and tteokbokki and told you to pick both.

(Till knew it was a mistake to migrate over from texting to Kakaotext, since now Navi could send him money directly through that. But he also had to admit the amount of stickers Navi used was beyond cute.)

Navi had also sent him some other gifts, beyond the spontaneous kakaopay transfers and normal stream donations; he's sent Till a collection of rings after bothering Till for a week straight to give him his ring size, a comfy sweater that Till didn't take off for a week due to how soft it was, and so on.

Till felt a weird tingling feeling on his stomach, a blush taking over his face whenever Navi sent him anything. He's normally fine ignoring it after a token protest, too practical to actually deny money.

He thinks he should feel bad about it, or something. Dewey told him, a few weeks into his streaming career, that he'd feel awful about getting so much money and not giving it back. Till thinks it's an exchange; he streams and people give him money for entertaining them. For a little while, the same applied to Navi. Why should he care if someone wasted their money on Till? He didn't think gacha companies were at fault for people's spending habits.

That was until they started texting. That was until Navi stopped being just a name on the screen and became a person who liked dogs, did spicy challenges for fun and had strong opinions about the conservation of endangered animals.

Till thought he might start to feel guilty, then, or at least want to pay Navi back somehow.

Instead what he gets is a warmth throughout his chest and an entirely undignified urge to squirm in place. He likes it when Navi spends money on the most mundane things, when Navi tells him to get himself some food. When Navi sends him money with instructions to get something specific Till scrambles to get it, and enjoys the treat with red cheeks and an unknown tightness in his chest.

He doesn't get it, and he's too embarrassed to talk about it with anyone else.

(Reviewing the memory, later on, will show Till the following; the weird warmth, the urge to squirm, it is arousal. Till likes it a lot, when Navi gives him things and tells him what to do with it. He feels spoiled and taken care of and confusedly horny about it all.)

He's doing his best to not care much about it, but his weeks-long wave of good luck seems to have run dry, because he ended up sick some two days ago. He's had to cancel three streams already, and is miserable enough he's debating actually going to a doctor about it.

Luckily for him, he's not coughing or nauseous, which are his least favorite symptoms. He is congested and his nose is running all the time, and he does feel feverish, but there's not much he can do about that except sleep it off.

He's currently huddled into his couch, slowly eating the samgyetang Isaac made for him and watching a show Hyuna recommended. It's a simple, no-thoughts-necessary show; the female MC is a former yakuza member that's trying to leave her past behind and live as a teacher, and the two competing love interests are a big executive type who has a child on the school and is an ass to her but is able to afford a pretty luxurious life as long as she goes along with his plans, or a old member of the Yakuza who fell in love with her when he was a child and is now reforming himself to be able to stand besides her "in the light", as he put it.

Till is cheering on the yakuza guy, mostly because he's a lot sweeter than the asshole executive.

He's also live-blogging to Navi, who has been hovering so badly that Till gave up and allowed the other to get his actual address so Navi can buy him some soup and energy drinks. He thinks he'll regret it later, but he's not complaining right now, when Navi is making sure he has food delivered for every meal and also all the necessary meds.

You [ 5:47PM ] Oh look, the asshole is going on a business trip. Maybe we'll get some good scenes with the yakuza guy now.

Navi [ 5:47 ] You're really invested into this, aren't you? What do you even like in this character?

You [ 5:48PM ] He's just so much better than the asshole. I don't get why girls would ever go for someone who's so rude to them.

Till huffs, looking up at the TV as the in-between episode extra starts. They're always funny, showing the behind the scenes and some interviews with the actors. He likes the main actress well enough, and by what he saw the actor for the asshole is a well-established star that he had no idea existed until now.

Well, the same can be said of the younger yakuza guy. His actor, someone named Ivan, is talking about how he prepared for the role, and Till can't help but be interested. The asshole guy only talked about his physical conditioning, but Ivan is talking about how he talked things over with the director, watched former-yakuza interviews and did his best to research about the motivations of his character.

He's also very handsome, in an endearing way, and Till can't help agreeing with the interviewer when she tells Ivan his fans will love the role, and that seeing him do such an earnest character will get all the girls swooning.

You [ 5:48PM ] Also, seeing the interviews, this Ivan person is just a lot better than the other actor. He cares a lot more about his character, which I think is way more important than how you look.

The interview ends, and Till decides to send another commentary before getting up to fetch more tissues for his nose.

You [ 5:48PM ] I bet Ivan would look cute doing aegyo. He's got the face for it, at least. Though I don't know if actors do that, I've only seen Idols do it on command.

Message sent, Till puts his phone to the side and gathers his little mountain for tissues and shuffles to the trash can, dumping them before refilling his water bottle and getting a new box before snuggling up again.

Navi still hasn't answered.

He frowns. He knows Navi can be busy, he definitely has other things to do rather than keep Till company, but he usually sends a BRB text if he'll be away from his phone for more than a minute.

He's still a little sick, and fervish, and miserable, so he doesn't think too hard about it and messages Navi again.

You [ 5:50PM ] Navi?

Navi [ 5:51PM ] Sorry, hyung. I just got surprised. My name is Ivan as well.

Till makes a little surprised noise. Ivan isn't that common of a name. What are the odds?

You [ 5:51PM ] Wow, it must be weird to share names with someone famous.

Navi answers quickly, but with far poorer grammar than what Till is used to.

Navi [ 5:52PM ] haha yeah well, I got used to it. do you like Ivan?

You [ 5:53PM ] I haven't seen much besides this series, he seems pretty good. Did you have any recommendations?

Navi – or, well, Ivan. Till quickly goes to change his contact name before he forgets – takes some more time to answer, and Till decides he must be busy, so he puts the show back on, doing his best not to sneeze into his soup. It's only as he's almost napping that he gets a text.

Ivan [ 5:52PM ] "Creating Heaven", "So long, not enough" and "Kamera" are tolerable, but hyung should watch some more and tell me what's your favorites!

Till is too sleepy to type, so he just takes a picture of himself giving thumbs up and snuggles back on his couch, Ivan-the-actor's soothing voice talking with the MC lulling him to a nice, dreamless sleep.

part ten

#writing #wip #alien stage #ivantill #you taste the silver

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i-need-some-advice-on · 4 months

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CW mentions of death, suicide, mental health issues

What am I supposed to do when my parents die? I (F25) have severe mental health issues including ADHD, anxiety, autism and severe dyscalculia (basically dyslexia but with math instead of numbers, my math is at like a 3rd grade level).

I've always been extremely clingy and dependent on my parents, especially my mom. Every time it's her birthday I can't even feel happy anymore when celebrating because I know it's another year closer to her dying and leaving me forever.

I feel like a pathetic, disgusting leech. The only "jobs" I've ever had have been working for my parents. I try to make art but no one cares about it. Due to my ADHD and anxiety I absolutely refuse to drive. The last time my mom let me drive her car I almost immediately crashed it into a tree because I got distracted.

I don't know how to pay bills. I don't know how to use a credit card. I don't know how to use a bank account. I have severe memory issues from my ADHD and constantly forget things, and my even with medication my executive dysfunction is so bad I can barely do any work around the house. I don't remember the last time I brushed my teeth or washed my hair.

Growing up I always assumed that everything would be okay, because I would have a husband/wife who can help me with things. But due to my autism I can barely make friends. Pretty much every friend I like either gets angry with me because I phrase things wrong and piss them off, or they get bored and leave me.

Why should I try dating or get married if they're just going to get rid of me eventually like everyone else. And besides, no ones going to want to date someone who's too stupid to survive on their own. Who looks at someone who doesn't know how to pay bills and says "Yeah, I'd love to spend the rest of my life with them!" People want a wife, not a child in an adults body.

When my parents pass I'm not going to be able to handle a funeral. I'm lucky that we're not poor, we own our duplex and my dad has a successful business. I could rent out the other side of the duplex but again, I can barely take care of myself, let alone deal with tenants.

At this point, when my parents pass away I'm either going to:

Try to survive off of the money they have and hope for a miracle

Find a safe place for any pets we have and then kill myself.

A group home is not an option, I would rather die than be treated like a prisoner and told what to do, not allowed to leave or stay up as late as I want, and be forced to live with a bunch of other strangers.

#mental health #suicide mention #death mention

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meret118 · 5 months

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2023 Review

This has been the worst year in my life. (Long post.)

Nicholas died in February. I thought he was just constipated, but he was 20 years old and my vet insisted I take him to the emergency clinic. I didn't like the place even then. They have all this fancy equipment, and they overcharge and overtest to pay for it. They insisted he stay overnight, which I didn't want, and wouldn't let me say goodbye to him. They called later to say I was right. They'd given him an enema, but wanted to watch him overnight. I should have gone to get him then. They called at 2 AM to tell me he'd died.

He started living under my car and following me around shortly after I moved into my apartment. He had horrible health problems, including stomatitis which made his breath and saliva smell horrible. I think that's why his previous people abandoned him. The idea of him dying alone in a cage thinking I'd done the same torments me. If I'd just followed my instincts it wouldn't have happened that way. I don't think well under stress anymore. I miss him so much.

That was my winter. This past spring I almost died myself. (I'm not going into the details about what happened.) I've read the hospital notes, and my oxygen rate got so low they even called my uncle at one point to see if he wanted them to try and resuscitate me if my heart stopped. I was in the hospital for weeks, but I only remember the last 4 days or so of being there.

I ended up losing the use of my non-dominant hand from a compression injury, and have been in constant pain ever since. The muscles from mid-forearm down have wasted away. You don't realize how much you need that hand until you can't use it anymore. I've always been healthy before this, and it's been a huge adjustment. I feel like I've aged about 10 years. Crafting was one of my main hobbies, and I can't do that anymore. It takes me forever to type anything out now too. ETA: The non-stop pain has been the worst thing.

Everyone except my mother knew she's had Alzheimer's for years. (She refused to believe it.) She lost touch with reality completely while I was in the hospital. The neighbors had to call the police, and they took her to the hospital where she lives. I don't know if the stress of my being in the ICU pushed her over the edge, or if it was just a coincidence. She had already started hallucinating some before that. My father has been in assisted living for Alzheimer's since 2018, and now she is too.

Contrary to what a lot of people think assisted living is paid for completely out of pocket. Regular health insurance doesn't pay for it, nor does Medicare. It requires long term care insurance, which they don't have. It's not cheap either. Hopefully they will have enough to last as long as they need it, but it's not a sure thing. If they do spend all their money, they'll end up on Medicaid in a government funded nursing home.

Assisted living is like living in a small apartment with daily activities, and even trips. (I moved them near me into 2 really good ones. ((They don't get along.)) My father is even gaining weight, and doing so much better. I go see them once a week.) A nursing home is like living in a hospital.

My father had a good job, (upper-middle class), but was forced into early retirement at 55 due to bad-mouthing the new exec at HQ. He was used to being the (regional) boss, and never got another job. That's 10 years of income he didn't earn.

What's even worse is they made each other their POA's instead of someone younger. After my father was put in assisted living, my mother met a man at an Alzheimer's support group who conned her into allowing him access to all her accounts. Everyone told her not to do it, but he's a CPA, and she had no experience with handling the finances.

I know he had a wife with Alzheimer's because Janice met her when she helped him find an assisted living for her. So he was there for a real reason, but I guess he saw an easy mark and decided to go for it. He made sure never to be around when I was there. She and I don't get along anyway, but I think he was also poisoning her against me based on some comments she's made.

It all came to a head late last year as her Alzheimer's got worse. I found out by accident that he has been stealing from them ever since he was given access to the money. He had romanced her into doing that and leaving everything to him in the will, a new will he wrote. As well as I can figure out he told her he just wanted to be friends as soon as he got what he wanted.

I tried to get a new will written, but her Alzheimer's was too bad at that point, and lawyers refused. My uncle saw a lawyer earlier this year, and he said we're screwed. When she dies the guy gets everything, even if my father is still alive. She's a narcissist who has ruined my life over and over ever since I was born. Now she's going to ruin things after death too.

I'm having to go through their 3 story house crammed with decades of things to get it ready to be sold. The basement is so full you can barely walk through it. I'm single, with no kids or siblings so it's just been me.

At the moment I'm pretty sure I finally have COVID. I have to stay isolated since I was exposed over christmas anyway, so I don't see the point of getting tested right now to find out for certain. I'm fully vaccinated, and my symptoms are very mild. My fear is of developing long covid.

#2023 #Nicholas #Health

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smimon · 4 months

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😮‍💨😮‍💨

Maybe the reason I always sucked at PE isn't that I'm just bad at having a body. Maybe that was just because I was always hungry.

Oh fuck, I need to get this out. You know why I was always hungry at school?

Every day my mom packed me one cheese sandwich for the whole day. And at some point in elementary school, the cheese sandwich became unexplainably disgusting to me and I couldn't eat it anymore.

When I told her, she reminded me that I like cheese and told me to stop being ridiculous. And it's true, I love cheese, but having exactly the same sandwich every day for years will finally make your body reject it, even if it's your favourite flavour.

(I might also have some medical issue with digesting fat and that cheese she used was very fat, I still have to get a diagnosis here)

So mother kept packing me the same sandwich every day, and I couldn't eat it most of the time. When I got hungry, I would try to eat it, but even looking at it made me lose all appetite. Sometimes I forced myself to eat it because I knew I need some fucking food, but just one bite made me feel sick.

I kept bringing the sandwiches back home, and every few days mother was taking them out of my bag, some already moldy, and just looked at me disapprovingly without saying a word. And then she packed me a new one.

She made it clear that I won't get anything else to eat because in her opinion a cheese sandwich is the perfect lunch, and I am not eating it specifically to make her look bad. She also assumed I was stuffing myself with snacks from the school store, even though I did not even receive pocket money.

A few times I asked if she could put something else in my sandwich for a change, and she snapped at me that what else could she possibly use for a sandwich? I suggested ham maybe (I wasn't that good at making sandwiches but I was just a kid ok) and she just rolled her eyes because ham is too expensive and cheese is cheap and I like cheese and this discussion is pointless and I'm only trying to make her angry 🙃 (same when I asked if I could get dinner at school canteen - she won't spend money on food if I can get dinner after school)

In middle school I learned how to press my stomach so it doesn't growl, I didn't want to hear it during tests, it was just so embarrassing.

(Then I went to boarding school at the age 15 and started getting five meals a day and the world suddenly started to seem like a nice place)

And this is probably the main reason I can't really trust her with any problems, as every time I tried to tell her about anything she just said this wouldn't be a problem to her if she was me, and I should just stop having this problem, and I am probably having it on purpose of just making things up to bother her because she is a good mother who has everything under control so if she says I have no real problems then I am not allowed to have problems.

Also the reason I still struggle to talk to anyone else about my problems up to this day, because there was no other adult in my life who I could talk to, and my friends were just kids so they couldn't really help me, they only felt sad, and I don't want them to be sad so I just kept quiet.

It's all connected you know. My inability to talk about my problems, leading to internalizing, then having them resurface in my writing. Trust issues, communication issues, eating disorders. Shame, alienation, worthlessness. But I'm already healing.

My mother basically said "fake it till you make it" and never asked for anyone's help with parenting, even though she should.

Oh and in high school I finally had fun at PE, because we had two hours weekly of a sport we chose individually, and I picked handball because I love handball. I still sucked at it (probably from never having been able to learn how to move properly) but I had fun anyway (I don't play to win, I play to move okay) and I guess it's not a coincidence it was at the same time when I started to get, you know, nutrition.

#vent post #diary post #food

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vadapega · 1 year

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Rummaging through my old room I find this, a traditional flip note of Pantufa the Cat from 2011 or earlier, with rusty staples and, according to the numbers on the corner, missing frames.

For detailed ramblings of hidden memories this unlocked, click for more

I've always wanted to be an animator and, while I didn’t have the software or hardware for digital animation, I wanted to practice is as much as I could. This was the best I could put together at the age of 16.

I would do small scale animations at the edges of notebooks or draft ideas in comic form with notes before I knew what a Storyboard was. Back then I didn't even have a stable internet connection in the first place, this was around the time I had to share a PC with my older brother who would kick me out at any opportunity and hog the PC for the entire day, only letting me on at the last minute, where I would get an earful from my parents and be told to go to bed, it was a nightmare to do anything digitally...

The first drawing tablet I got was considered scrap the moment I got it for Christmas. No screen, wobbly inaccurate pen (can't draw a straight line without it looking like lightning), Silvercrest branded (basically, LIDL), it was as cheap as it could be but it was my introduction to "not using the mouse to draw" which it did not help with as even today revisiting it makes me want to draw with a mouse more.

Things were very strict and if something did what it needed to do, it didn't need to be replaced. "That's what I had been taught"If it ain't broke, don't fix it" was the motto for my family and that mentality stuck to me even to the present day. I still find myself using MSPaint for Pixelart or drawings, as spending for anything greater is hardwired in my brain as "unnecessary" or "wasteful", hell, I wasn't even allowed to spend money outside of school purchases such as at the cafeteria (they had a kickass card charging system which made the school I attended in Germany around 2016-2019 look medieval in comparison which is incredible since Portugal isn't the first thing you think of when it comes to technological advancements), so any money I would get for Christmas or birthdays was practically useless and I never learned to manage income. I would sometimes find my mom take the money off my piggy bank for groceries and other goods when she was running low, she didn't try to lie, she had no reason to.

Anything I can get for free is what I stick by and I'll only spend money if I absolutely have to or, more recently, if it benefited close friends in any way, as I've learned to have no regard for my own well being and should be ashamed for even considering it, others always take priority.

So when it comes to animation today, I have a "yar har" version of Toon Boom Studio 8.0 for bigger things (I've tried OpenToonz but it's very crash happy and I've lost hours of animation with it even with the backup and auto save features on, back in the day I had a a copy of Flash CS4 I grabbed from the school computers that I got to work after some tinkering and a well placed crack) and for Pixelart I just use Windows XP's MSPaint and abuse scroll-wheel and window resizing shenanigans to advance frames. I don't get much time to practice animation and I get easily excited to have a chance at it.

I'm under my own mental shackles at all times and that's not going to change, only further cemented by the elitist mindset the Sonic Hacking community and SRB2 had taught me, a mindset I regret adopting and one I catch myself going back to and feeling ashamed of every now and then, leading only to depressive episodes that are best left for a psychologist to deal with... should I ever find the opportunity to seek one without time and language barrier issues.

As the years go by and I find myself doing or just refining Pixelart than to do animated pieces, I've given up hope in being an animator in the foreseeable future, only dedicating animation to those done in private between friends, never allowing myself to clean up or refining it in any meaningful way unless asked for because I shouldn't. It's why I tend to ask for suggestions or characters to add for animations I plan to do, cause I don't want it to be for me, I want it to be for those I can make happy to see it.

---

Before I hit "Post", a reminder that there are people much worse off than I am, these are just memories and 1st world problems and should be nobody's priority. Please support growing young artists and animators, they need it more than some washed up wanna-be animator that is known for nothing else but basic Sonic ROM hacks disguised to look impressive via a coat of MSPaint.

#pantufa the cat #pantufa #animation #traditional art #traditional animation #flipnote #2d animator

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goblinpaladin · 1 year

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So Why Did I Ghost Everyone And Abandon This Blog? And Why Did the DSMP fall apart? And how are these two things related?

This is going to get long, but it's been eating away at me for years, so I think it's time to rip the bandage off.

So, in mid 2020, I [Dave] was introduced to a guy named Clay (who stated he was at least 21) by an at-the-time mutual friend. I didn't think much of him, but he managed to worm his way into my personal life and friend group.

Cut to late 2020, Clay manipulated my partner [K] into falling for him and coerced me into agreeing to polyamorously date him (also allowing the two of them to date). During this time, Clay was telling us that he was the minecraft youtuber, Dream, and provided us with screenshots (which were quickly deleted after we confirmed we saw them), and even seeing him log into the minecraft server we shared As Dream.

At the end of 2020, following the Dream Cheating Scandal, Mr. Beast bought out the Dream Name and actually replaced Clay (so this guy and the guy who face revealed are two different people) - after which he showed up to our home basically unannounced and moved in with us, without giving us any choice.

Notice that this is also around the time that the DSMP wound down and eventually fell apart, and all of Dream's friends mysteriously quit the SMP and started their own thing. Also notice that he did post a picture of himself sampling merchandise (I think it was a hoodie?) and think: This is NOT the same person who did a face reveal. It's clear that the bodies and hands are totally different.

Also note: The voices in his old videos versus his new videos are totally different. He was using an audio filter to pitch down his voice and "disguise" it.

Within a week of him forcefully moving in with us, Clay began raping me. Despite my having told him that I was asexual and not interested in sex (which he said was fine), he barged into my room naked after I had gotten out of the shower and DEMANDED we had sex, and proceeded to threaten me until I complied. The bedroom was on a second story and he blocked the door. I had no exit and no way to defend myself.

This is how I spend the next ~ 6 months of my life. Hostage in my own home, not allowed to leave without his permission.

He was with us for about 6 months, all of which was spent threatening us with legal action, doxxing, financial crippling, emotional and physical abuse, and assault. We lost thousands of dollars trying to house him while he freeloaded off of myself and my partner - we're both disabled and my partner is actually dying from kidney failure.

He held the promise of money, housing, and even a working kidney over both our heads. It also turns out that he had freshly turned 19, and he admitted that his brother had lied on all of his paperwork to get him his license early. So I have no idea how old he really was.

He isolated both K and myself from nearly all of our friends, tried to isolate us from family, and even went as far as to bring cocaine into our house, despite asking him many times not to bring any illegal drugs in. (We literally live in a city where weed is totally legal and he had no problem stealing our weed and alcohol, so what the fuck)

After several severe psychotic breaks, we finally managed to kick Clay out - but not after months of being severely traumatized, abused and gaslit daily.

Three years later, this shit still haunts me. I will never be the same. In truth, the person who originally inhabited this body [Dave] underwent such severe psychological trauma that he/we/I developed acute DID, underwent several splits, and the original person completely vanished. I'm actually writing this as a totally different person now [Derek]. He still sends my partner and I threatening texts, his parking tickets and violations in the mail, etc.

As recently as a few weeks ago (today is 4.5.23) he was sending K harassing texts.

TLDR: I got raped and abused by Dream Minecraft after he was bought out and replaced.

Please don't harass the current Dream over this, as he has nothing to do with what Clay did.

Shit he did:

Raped me and K

Financially abused us

Stole possesssions from us

Attempted to hoard animals in our home

Brought cocaine into the house

Threatened us with physical violence and assault

Threatened us with emotional abuse

Threatened us with legal action

Threatened us with Mr. Beast and his Youtube Connections

Tried to Bribe us with youtube connections

Gaslit us

Outed a closeted trans friend to his entire friend group

Beat K with a door

Chased teenagers and threatened them

Pretended to pull a gun on people multiple times

Reckless driving and endangerment

Stole food, items, money and alcohol

Promised to help financially support us, only to financially cripple us

Held the promise of money, medical support and housing over two severely disabled people

Refused to let people sleep if he was Upset

Purposefully triggered us in order to get a reaction out of us so he could turn around and yell "abuse"

PHYSICALLY Held K hostage several times

Tried to get us to both elope with him separately

I've also since connected with quite a few of his ex-romantic partners and friends. They confirm and corroborate the fact that he exhibited the exact same behaviors with them.

Maybe one day I'll compile all the discord chats and texts and shit into a google drive and post it for the world to see, but considering now I'm basically completely physically and mentally incapacitated - today is not that day.

Reblog this, don't reblog this. Blow this up, don't blow this up.

I don't fucking care anymore - I've paid my dues for this. I just want it off of my chest and off of my mind.

If you still have me on discord, feel free to ask about it.

Otherwise, people I haven't spoken to in over a year, I'll be removing you within the week.

Best Wishes to everyone except Clay,

Derek.

#dsmp #dream smp #dream #dream minecraft #mr. beast #mcyt #dreamwastaken #dreamminecraft #dreamsmp #minecraft youtuber #minecraft #youtube #youtuber

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eoinmcgonigal · 4 months

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if you want some idea of the irl shit rn

my appeal to the funding decision was rejected (the scottish student funding shitfuckers fucked up my disabled student allowance, which forced me to drop down to part time, and now they've withdrawn all the course funding because they won't fund anything part time in england, at all, ever, no matter if it's on them that i'm in this situation or the course isn't avaialbe in scotland - and to say nothing of the fact that a lot of disabled people cannot attend scottish universities due to accessibility issues)

i've been left to somehow pay a ~£4,500 fee. I will not be able to finish my masters because there's no way I'll be able to find £4,500 for next year as well

if i drop out now then i'll also be liable for the DSA stuff which they finally have started sorting out (i applied in august, support should have been in place in september/october)

july/august: applied for funding for full time august: finally got DSA application sorted (had to rely on uni, who kinda messed up a bit but did send it/sort it) end of november, still no DSA support in place because SAAS fucked up: had to drop down to part time just to stay on the course december: SAAS told me they were withdrawing the loan (but said nothing about the tuition fee) end of december: DSA 'approved' but nothing happened (turns out they fucked up again and had some sort of block on my account, so I couldn't receive anything) january: overdue payment with uni so talking to them, the guy looks at his spreadsheet and tells me the tuition cost has been revoked by SAAS so it's actually a miracle i found out at all, i put in an appeal to SAAS late january: finally got the money for the DSA items, but i won't get the stuff for who knows how long late january: the reply to my appeal is basically 'we fucked up but we're hiding that in huge paragraphs of narative shit, and also fuck you we don't fund these things for any reason ever'

I started a full time masters with no fucking stupport in place. The whole time I've been spending every last shred of energy I have trying to chase all that shit up and stay afloat. It has not worked.

I got a fuckin fist class honours degree for my undergrad. I CAN DO THIS. This is the ONLY thing I can do ffs. I'm physically trapped in a shitty house with shitty people who neglect me and abuse me and I have nothing else I can do, or to work towards, or look forward to, or fucking live for tbh. My mind doesn't function 'normally'. I can't even look after myself, but I can do academic stuff and I can write.

But no. Scotland does not believe in supporting and funding students to do well academically.

I've escalated the appeal. I know it will be rejected again, and then I face the ordeal of taking it to the ombundsman. In the meantime, what I owe the university grows, and my will to live just... disappears.

I've rarely been so unhappy, I just want to do well at studying but instead I'm having to fight for every fuckign breath with these cunts. It's inhumane, actually. It's evil. I should not be penalised for their fucking mess. No disabled or disadvantaged person should ever have to endure this, or be excluded from further education because of circumstances outwith their control (i.e. if someone can only manage part time because of a disability, they should have the right to education just the same as a fully abled person, and you bet your ass a lot of people who are also disadvantaged will be minorities who can only afford part time)

The SAAS discriminate. There are no two ways about it.

#get a masters! they said #you'll be good at it! they said #i'm sure i'd be great if the funding cunts didn't shoot me in the neck and leave me to bleed

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weirdstrangeandawful · 8 days

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I'm thinking of getting an 'emotional support animal' that I can train into a service dog... (I can't just have a normal pet because of housing rules here so I need to get a fancy pet with)

I really don't have the energy to train one myself but I desperately need one and the closest service dog organisation to me that is actually active for non-veterans and not seemingly just for show like PADS is, is in the US and even if I could make the 3-5 hour trip without upending my life, I wouldn't easily be able to get the dog back and forth across the border.

The problems is that I just got told I'm not allowed to drive anymore and I can't take a pet dog on the bus so I don't know how I'd make vet appointments before I start training tasks and behaviour in public... A few years ago I would have just walked the 6 ish kilometres but that is no longer an option. God, why do service dogs cost $30 000 ;-; What disabled person has that sort of money?!

On top of all this, I'm not allowed to have a puppy as an ESA with my housing rules so that basically guarantees I have to get a rescue which is going to be such a pain because now not only do I need to spend energy I don't have learning to train and training a service dog but I need to first deal with this dog's trauma... despite the fact that part of this dog's tasks will have to be dealing with my own PTSD symptoms (that is one thing I will have to do myself because according to service dog organisations, only veterans can get assistance for PTSD). And after all that... the dog will be an adult so I'll have to do this all over again in a shorter amount of time because it's career will be shortened.

Apparently I just can't have nice things

(nice things = medical equipment by the way)

#not whump #disability #service dog #ableism

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dausy · 9 months

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I never uploaded here, the other week I uploaded this. Some weeks ago, Grabie reached out to me and sent me some of their art products to review. Which was super cool. I am so thankful that so many companies have found me to let me try stuff. Lord knows I dont have a big following, I just really enjoy hoarding art supplies. It is just like the coolest thing ever this day and age to receive stuff like that via the internet. My hobbyist self is so thankful.

I just haven't felt like turning the internet on recently. I skipped this last week uploading to youtube and part of that was I just didn't feel like it but the other part was I worked a lot these past 2 weeks even though I put my foot down and said I wouldn't pick up extra anymore..I did end up picking up extra. Also, I had to do some boring adult chores and phone calls all that just takes so much time and effort.

I had to take my dog to the vet for her annual stuff last week and I would have rather have gone to the dentist for myself twice than do that again lol. I liked my old vet before we moved and I didn't jive with this place. Then on the way home my car started giving me funky warnings. So I had to take it to the shop. They told me a lot needed to be fixed which was already a fortune on top of paying for the dogs stuff. This is annoying but murphy's law states that if your spouse is gone for work, everything breaks. So I was already waiting for things to break and already had money set aside for when these events finally occur. So I had to spend half my day at this car place because I'm alone and have nobody to chauffeur me around. That zaps your energy.

My blessed coworkers were super sweet though when I told them about my car ordeal. They demanded to see my receipts and car (like they were physically at my car after work) and told me to never spend money like this without referring to them first because I probably got ripped off and they were concerned about my gullible-ness and lack of car education. I actually thought this was a really nice gesture. I didn't know that I could use coworkers as this sort of reference and I probably still wont. But nice people.

we had an accreditation survey at work. And I'm overly loud and oversharing of all things. They probably should have locked me away somewhere. I don't know why they allowed me on the premises during this survey or why I've grown this way as I've gotten older. The place I work is pretty sketch as it is.

Also got a concerning phone call from my spouse about a health incident re my MIL and I thought I was going to have to drive to Arizona for a minute. Everything is fine I think.

otherwise I just work, run home and turn on Disney Dreamlight Valley. Its kinda sad. I'm kinda tired. I have a terrible headcold too. I had to sleep last night with a paper towel tied to my face because face juice just kept leaking out uncontrollably.

#sketchbook #illustration #sketch #drawing #traditionalart #realmedia #watercolors #mixedmedia #animalart #grabie #grabiewatercolors #tiger #whitetiger #animalillustration #butterfly #artblog #artistblog #lifeblog

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aladaylessecondblog · 28 days

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Faal Hah Wuld, pt. 16

Sadrith,

We found the brush. It's yours when you next visit.

-Vex

----

Dear Sadrith,

I hope this letter finds you well. I write to you now from Solstheim, where I have now been living. I had thought I might continue to travel with the khajiit, but it seems my age is catching up with me. After solving a particularly unsettling situation in Raven Rock, I found myself gifted with a home, and it is here I have settled. Settled, me! It is a ridiculous idea, really, to think that after a lifetime of roving, both with the Urshilaku and the khajiit, I am finally inclined to stay in one place.

Yet here I am. The letter you provided was quite handy when I encountered a brother of that Mallory fellow you spoke of, as it turns out his brother is the town blacksmith, and he showed me how to put up one of those marks your guild is so fond of. So everyone knows I'm not to be stolen from. The guild takes care of their own, he says.

I know you don't do well with long passages so I will end this letter as I always do. Remember that you brought me hope as you brought it to all of Skyrim.

- your loving mother

----------------------

Sadrith gave a slight smile as she looked over the second letter the courier had delivered, and tucked it away with some of the others from her mother. Whenever she was having a particularly bad day she would reread some of them, and...it would help. Sometimes if the day was especially bad it wouldn't be much, but a little spot of light was better than none when her mind darkened.

"What's this about a brush?"

She had been so focused on reading the letters that she'd hardly noticed Torovan as he slipped up behind her.

"None of your--" she tucked away the first letter as Torovan sat down next to her, "Has anyone ever told you that it's rude to look over another person's private letters?"

"My apologies for wanting to know if you were looking over anything more you might have fond on those...golden bandits we encountered."

Sadrith took a deep breath. "Just...don't sneak up on me like that. And it's...a delicate letter. From someone I'd not like you to yap about. Oddly enough, it's from someone a lot like you."

"And how might that be, exactly?" Torovan took a sip from the mug she ordered for him and gave a brief wince.

"Stick up her ass. S'pose she's got a reason for it, though, so I imagine you do too." She shrugged, and went on nibbling at the meal before her. Her appetite was deader than dead, but she was forcing food down knowing they'd have to go through Helgen and the mountains...if she didn't eat, there'd probably be hell to pay later.

And she could not show weakness to this one-eyed mer. Whatever reason he might have for acting the way he did.

"Sadrith!"

"Ugh," Torovan said under his breath, "Do you know everyone in this forsaken village?"

"As a matter of fact I do." She gave him a brief smile, which seemed to surprise him. She looked off to the side to see Camilla, emerging from the room that had once led to Delphine's secret staircase. "Camilla! I've heard congratulations are in order."

"Oh...yes." For a moment her face shifted about. "Well, after seeing the games Sven and Faendal were playing, I realized...I wanted someone unlikely to do that."

"Orgnar is a man of few words, but all of them are straight-forward. You couldn't have chosen better. Orgnar, you happy?" she looked to the bartender.

"Happy as a man ought to be when he's married," the man replied, without looking up from the glass he was cleaning. There was a slight mote of emotion--small, but there. He was happy, despite not showing it very well.

"I'm glad to hear it. Perhaps you'd like a wedding gift?"

"You're spending money here, that's all the gift I need."

"Fair enough." Sadrith gave a little laugh.

Torovan sat beside her a little while longer as Camilla chattered about how things were going. How Orgnar had built a basement and how being allowed to actually DO things to help out had been wonderful. Sadrith struggled to pay attention to it but she nodded, and smiled, and retained enough to make small remarks now and then. On the whole, when Camilla left to head to get some salmon from the river, she seemed quite pleased with the conversation.

"She seems happier now. You're lucky, Orgnar."

"Sure am."

Sadrith went back to trying to eat. Torovan said something about going to pick over the meager offerings at Lucan's shop, and after denying her saying she'd go with him, he waved off her concern and left.

Something else is going on here, it must be. He doesn't seem to need or want me taking him to Riften. Why am I here?

He was clearly an enemy of the Thalmor, as was Sigurd...so there was no purpose in having her along. Unless it was simply to have someone else to watch his back. But in that case, why not simply hire any random mercenary? There would be plenty of them who would be happy to take a few hundred gold to make the trip. Perhaps they wanted to make contact with the Thieves Guild and saw her as the in...or...

As no answer revealed itself, and the matter wasn't especially pressing to her mind, she eventually drifted back to forcing herself to eat the meal she'd already paid for.

She managed to get down the rest of the salmon, and sat sipping at a mug of ale, still thinking over Vex's letter. The brush. Finally. After months of searching and paying for information and shelling out damn near the entire fortune she'd amassed from the scales and bones of dragons--the brush was hers.

"Strongest you have."

The voice was all khajiiti accents, and sounded off so suddenly beside her that she nearly dropped her drink. The khajiit--a calico dotted here and there with dark spots, clad in a black robe that seemed to shimmer with stars -- took a seat beside her and gestured to Orgnar.

A lone cat that isn't M'aiq...?

"That'll be the argonian bloodwine. Expensive."

Some gold was produced. Orgnar took it and got out the large aqua bottle, then poured a small glass.

"That's always a good choice," Sadrith said, raising her mug slightly. "Useful for breathing underwater..."

"Not that I need such things." The khajiit finished the glass, and poured himself another. He turned to her, and gave a toothy grin. "Perhaps you'd like to share in it?"

Something about him felt...off. But that was a feeling she had fairly often, so she brushed it aside.

"Ah, no, I don't want to take something so expensive," she waved absently, "You've paid some pretty coin for that..."

There was a feeling that she'd missed something. Forgotten something, and she hated that she couldn't figure out what in oblivion it was.

"And it's rude to refuse a gift."

"You're right," she replied, and slid her mug over. "Not too much, though, I've got to get on the road soon."

And, she added mentally, for the skooma to actually work, I need to be sober. Trying to drink while taking skooma never ended well; she seemed to get drunk faster and stay drunk longer.

She shut her eyes momentarily, and found herself taking in a sharp breath when upon opening them she saw the hands holding the bottle of bloodwine were covered in black fur instead of the mottled color they had been before.

"The scent is a bit strong," the khajiit said, "Perhaps I should have let it breathe for longer."

"It's fine." Sadrith gulped hard, and forced herself to look up at his face. It was dark too, just like the hands...paws...she'd just looked at.

Gods, not again. This isn't supposed to happen unless I take too much. It's fine. It's fine, it's only his fur color. It's FINE.

Deep breath. It didn't help. It never did.

"And what brings you to Riverwood?" she asked, in a vain attempt to stave off her sudden bout of nerves. "It's not often one meets a khajiit that's not part of a caravan."

"A job," he replied, gesturing after slowly draining another glass of the bloodwine. "There's someone I mean to keep an eye on...track."

"Sounds a hazardous job. I hope your quarry's not hard to track." Perhaps this was the one Sigurd had warned of? Maybe it wasn't only the Thalmor he'd been worried about.

"On the contrary, my quarry is quite easy to track."

A blink. Now he was no longer a khajiit, despite the persistence of the accent, but now an Altmer. Yet the robe remained the same, distracting in its dark way, glittering here, darkening there...

"...so obvious, a child could do it."

"Oh? Then why have you not yet caught them? Assuming you wish to, I mean. It's not really my business, I'm sorry, but you've piqued my curiosity."

Keep it together, keep it together

"I take no offense." Another grin. "In fact, I should be glad of your help."

For a brief second Sadrith swore his teeth were longer. She shoved the thought back. This was a skooma hallucination, nothing more.

Act as though nothing is wrong. You can do this, Sadrith. You must. If Torovan returns and you're still in this state--

"You are the dragonborn after all, as much set to wandering as any caravan of khajiit."

White fur, black spots. The fear was peaking and she reached for the bottle.

"How can I help you, then?"

The khajiit took the bottle from her, and poured her out a bit more bloodwine.

"Tell me how I might deal with someone on the run, once they are caught? I never fail to catch my prey. Either I find them sooner due to a combination of skill and luck, or later, when they become aware I am following..."

"And begin to panic? They get more dangerous that way. I should know, with all the bandits I've collected bounties on. Got a few scars from...from cornering them."

"Yet you always come out the victor." Again that toothy grin that unsettled her. "The magnificent dragonborn...bandit killer, dragonslayer, feller of foes from Markarth to Windhelm. A bloody force that Boethiah herself would be proud of."

"Because I am here, and they are not." Sadrith thought of the book regarding the summoning of Boethiah, desperate to think of anything but the chaos unfolding before her. "I would prefer to avoid killing if possible, but...some people make it necessary."

"You see it as a duty, then. Perhaps the Dark Brotherhood would suit you."

"I hardly think a group of assassins know much about duty. Devotion to sending people to the void by bloody murder, maybe."

Another glass.

"And I eliminated them. I don't care for Sithis and his ilk."

Sadrith blinked, and the khajiit's fur changed again, back to the black.

"No, clearly not, if you so eagerly move to commit such a feat. But I am curious...do you have no fear of death? Most would balk at the danger."

"Danger is in my blood." She laughed nervously, trying desperately to shake off the rising anxiety. "I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of not living."

It's only your mind playing tricks on you. That's it. That's all. He's a normal man and you're just seeing things.

"Everyone is afraid of death. Everyone wants to go in their bed, at a great age, surely you are no different."

Why do you CARE?

It didn't matter. There was nothing outside her head that scared her more than what was inside, anyway.

Blink. Tan fur, white hands. Paws.

What is HAPPENING? Has Shegg--Sheogorath come to claim my mind?

"Excuse the dark and dreary talk," the khajiit finally said, "I've taken so many bounties my mind thinks mainly in metaphors of death...however chaotic they might seem to those with a heroic bent, like yourself. But tell me...I am curious, I ask this question of everyone. How do you imagine you will die?"

"In glorious battle defending someone, or something, I imagine," Sadrith replied easily. "I spend a lot of time adventuring...so it only makes sense it should be how I leave the world."

"A woman of Shor's own heart."

Orgnar dropped something, and as he muttered bent over to clean it up. Sadrith finished what remained of her drink, and took another deep breath.

"Dragonborn!"

Torovan's voice rang out suddenly from the doorway. Sadrith looked back, and waved him over, turned--

--and dropped her own mug.

The seat beside her was empty. The only hint that anyone had been there was the cup beside her own, and the half-drunk bottle of argonian bloodwine. She handed the mug back to Orgnar and muttered some excuse of needing to get moving.

I was seeing things. Hearing things. That's it. That's all. I just--don't remember ordering the wine. I must have done that myself, and just...I just forgot. ...keep it together, keep it together!

"If you're sufficiently pickled, we should get a move on."

"Right. Right, yes." Sadrith was for once glad of Torovan's stern orders; they simplified things quite a bit. She gathered her things and headed for the door with him.

"I hope you've not made yourself unfit for travel."

"Some ale and not even half a bottle of bloodwine won't do much to me," she replied, and glanced here and there as they went outside, wondering if the hallucinations would stop with that khajiit. "Your concern is...is touching, of course."

Sadrith saw nothing more, though she was still looking for anything out of the ordinary.

She forced a smile for him. Not until they passed through Riverwood's back gate, on the road to Helgen, did he speak again.

"Tell me," he said, "How is it you are so undaunted by insults or slights against your character? Where is the desire to defend your honor?"

"I grew up in a khajiit caravan. The petty things you throw at me don't compare to the things I was called as a child. Or the things I've heard from Thalmor."

The gentle sound of the running river near them soothed her mind just slightly, and she tried to focus it to further ease her unsteady mind. But Torovan spoke again, breaking her fragile concentration.

"Do you often provoke them, then? No...no, don't bother answering that question. Perhaps what I should ask is what you've done to earn their ire."

Sadrith latched onto the topic eagerly. A distraction, that was what she needed. Something to put the khajiit from her mind--a strategy she often employed in distressing circumstances like these. "Are you sure you want to hear? Will you insult me over that also? If you do...I beg you to do better at it."

"I would be pleased to hear it, actually. They have not made themselves popular, and it is always good to hear of such people being...taken down a peg."

"You? Enjoying humiliating one of them? I'm surprised you wouldn't simply leave that sort of thing to the Archmage. The nords have more of a cause to hate the Thalmor than we do."

"The enemies of my friend are my enemies also," Torovan stated evenly. "His devotion to my welfare is such that it could be no other way. I would not be standing here before you if he hadn't taken such pains to save my life."

She thought again of Lydia.

"And how do I know that you are not some part of a Thalmor plot, hmm?" She then realized her error late, and quickly tried to correct herself, cover it up, with, "The letter we picked off that group seems a point in your favor, of course. But you did say I shouldn't trust you, and I hesitate to do it anyway. Tall, dark, brooding - you are the sort of man I read of in novels, who usually has some danger attached to him."

"Brooding!" Torovan laughed. "Now you have gone too far. I do not brood. Will you answer my question or no? What have you done to upset the Thalmor, besides that business with the embassy?"

"I broke a nord out of one of their fortresses," she replied, "His mother asked I look into his disappearance...and some clues lead me to a fortress in the Northwest."

"Ah, so Sigurd has YOU to blame for their increasing presence in the Sea of Ghosts."

"For WHAT?" Sadrith burst out. "Are the Thalmor skulking around Winterhold? If he needs them cleared out, I could do it as easily as I did at the fortress."

"All of them on your own?"

"If need be."

"You are every bit as foolish as Sigurd once was. He too is eager to take command and right the wrongs and ills he sees before him. Do you think it your responsibility as he does, or do you simply like the glory?"

"Both," Sadrith replied. "To see a smile, or relief, on a face and know I was the reason for it - that is what I want to see when I enter a village, or one of the cities here."

"You could settle right now and be satisfied with all you've done...and still see those looks when you receive visitors." Torovan went on in the same vein, but she tuned most of it out. "You killed the World-Eater, and need do nothing more."

"If I don't, then who will?" Sadrith shrugged. "I'm not made to be idle...stay in one place. I get an itch under my skin to move if I try. Natural, considering I grew up in a caravan with a mother who herself hailed from an ashlander tribe. Wandering is in my blood."

"Indeed it is."

They were silent until reaching the Guardian Stones.

"You clearly do not need me," she said suddenly, stopping to look at the Thief stone, "And I know you won't tell me the reason for my being here...but I know there must be something else."

"The reason is that my friend is overprotective of me, and wants me looked after more than I feel is necessary. With the dragons about, he wanted extra caution taken."

"You do not mean me harm, do you?"

"Of course not."

She stared a little while. The anxiety was finally receding but all she could think was--the hallucination of the khajiit was so contained within the Sleeping Giant and nothing else outside it had been seen, perhaps it was merely having met Delphine there that kicked it off? The unpleasant memory of that woman, maybe, that stirred her skooma-addled mind into a frenzy without her even realizing it? At times her body seemed wholly disconnected from her mind, and where she felt no inward worry her body would refuse to believe the fact and feel its effects anyway. But she hadn't felt any such thing in the inn...no nausea in her stomach or ache of the head, nothing of the sort.

What then had caused the hallucination? She wasn't worried, truly, she merely wanted to understand. To prevent it happening again.

"If you meant me harm, you would have done it already, with all the chances you've had. You could've drained me dry and left me in the Barrow and no one would have been the wiser. Hungry as you were..."

That reminded her of something else. Another subject to stop herself thinking overmuch on the hallucination.

"I'm curious," she said, "I've never had the...appetites that those like you have. Never had to tell the difference between difference kinds of blood...what makes mine any different than the regular? Is it more filling?"

"In a way," Torovan replied, as she turned and lead him further up the path. "I cannot strike the feeling from my mind that I have tasted it somewhere before."

His tone here made her wish she could see his face.

"Unless you have preyed on me in the night some time ago, I doubt it. Not that I would say no to your bowing over me as you did before."

"I say again: you trust too easily. You seem aware of the danger I pose and yet you flaunt it as a less experienced mercenary would. Do you think yourself safe from harm?"

"I think what is outside is less frightening than what is inside." The words were out before she could stop them, and the hope she felt that he hadn't heard her properly was immediately dashed when he turned to face her. She hunted frantically for something to say and settled on, "Think what you will of me, but if I should set the safety of an entire province on your shoulders I'd wager your mind would not be as pleasant a place as before."

Torovan didn't seem to have a response.

"At any rate," she went on, "I prefer to think of more pleasant things, if I can. It keeps the mind busy, stops it from taking all the weight at once. Joy in little places - that helps me bend, rather than break."

"And here I thought you to be the sort of person information must be coaxed from," Torovan replied, "I see now I need not have worried. Information gushes from your mouth like a river. Reckless, talkative...it is a wonder you have maintained a reputation for discretion with qualities like these."

"Secret keeping is not my job, and there hasn't yet been something too important that I must keep quiet." Aside from Delphine and Esbern's locations, of course. "I leave that to others of the Guild."

"Suppose you came into information that would enable you to relieve Tamriel of some Thalmor? Would you share THAT?"

"If the one from whom I learned it desired me to. When I hear of Thalmor, however, I tend to..." She drifted off. "I have said enough."

"No, tell me," Torovan said, his voice suddenly sharp. "When you think of Thalmor, you do what?"

"Why should I, when you tell me nothing of yourself? Am I being judged, is that what this is? You want something more to..." She took a deep breath, and tried to calm herself down. Getting worked up could only end poorly. Maybe she'd see that khajiit again, or maybe as a treat a dragon that wasn't actually there. "Fine. When I hear of Thalmor...I get angry. A bully should be smacked down, and if no one else has the wherewithal or ability to do it, then..."

"Then it shall be you?"

"Then it shall be me." She gave a momentary grin, wider than her usual. "Not that I would say no to aid or guidance, but who would be willing to help me? Certainly not General Tullius or any of the Imperials."

Sadrith could not stop, could not make herself stop. Her mouth refused the very idea.

"Ulfric is being led by a leash he cannot even see, so he is no better. Not to mention the dislike his ilk have for mine. He would be the better choice for..."

And then just as suddenly it shifted, and she could find herself just as unwilling to speak. On a septim it pivoted, and she felt all the embarrassment of it.

"You've give this a lot of thought, haven't you? Perhaps the imperial dogs and Stormcloaks should let YOU figure this all out."

"I'm not a leader," Sadrith said, "That is the problem of this whole thing. I could sort it, but I don't want to be king or queen or anything like that. I don't wish to lead armies, perhaps a charge, but not the whole army. I'm more of a soldier than a general. A weapon to be turned against the one who needs reminding what happens when you poke sleeping dragons."

Oh, yes, how she would love to show the Thalmor that...

As they approached Helgen, her mind was alight with possibilities for scaring them--what good would it be to defeat them without some element of terror to make them regret all they'd done? All they were trying to do?

Torovan brought her back to reality.

"I see I shall have to get back out my larger fur robe," he said, grumbling at the cold around them as he stopped and reached into one of his bags. "I will be surprised if you can make it half the way across this accursed back way before you start ruing the day you took this job."

"Pay no attention to any grumbling. I complain, but I do what must be done anyway." Sadrith shrugged. "The issue will be seeing once we get farther up."

She took out her map, and pointed to a spot on it, which he leaned over to glance at.

"There's a cave called Haemar's Shame around this spot. We might not entirely NEED to stop for a night's rest there but it'll be a good spot to stop and warm up before we go on. Shake the chill out of our bones and all. I'll gather up some kindling as we go and we'll have ourselves a good little fire."

"And then?"

"We can make a quick stop at Ivarstead." Sadrith looked up then, towards the gates of Helgen.

"You picked a bad time to get lost, friend!"

"And a stop here to get you something to eat."

The gates swung open, and two bandits charged forward.

Torovan raised his hands, charged a fire spell, and gave a dark laugh that left her tingling.

Tall, dark, and deadly

She shoved the map in her pocket and readied her sword, eager now to blot out not fears of hallucination, but the mental image of the torso beneath Torovan's robes.

#voryn is a grumpy old man #vampire voryn dagoth #dagoth ur #dragonborn #skyrim #hallucination or not #fanfiction #tes #tesblr #elder scrolls #thalmor #sigurd #nord nerevarine #last dragonborn

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m0nsterqzzz · 2 months

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alr ima rant and it's genuinely gonna make me sound crazy.

so when i was 13, my mom told me if i got in one more fight, she'd throw me out on the streets. (she uses that a lot. don't ask) anyway, me being me, i said, "DO IT! I DARE YOU!".

that night, i came up with a plan.

this is my thought process at 13:

pack a big but not to big bag with clothes and other necessities. If i leave at like 2am, I'll be far gone by the time anyone notices.

we lived in a small town, and i knew a lot of people, which meant I knew several highschoolers willing to sell me burner phones for cheap. I will get only important numbers. as much as it hurts, my siblings aren't part of that. destroy my old phone because they easily track that.

we have a Amtrak 25 minutes away. I'll bike there. I'm athletic, so i can get there fast and not be too tired. It doesn't cost extra to take my bike on, so I'll take that with me.

A ticket cost about 50 dollars just to get on the train according to my cousin, and it's possible to get one just to get on and then ride it until i run out of money.

you need verification of identity to get on, so show them your military id. thats government verification. They'll ask questions about your age, but unlike the airport, they allow people over 13 to get on without parents.

so thats that. I'll set aside a certain amount of money, and once I'm out of that, I'll get off the train. Hopefully I'll be a bit away.

im trans (known since i was 11) so i would just go by my boy name (current name) CJ and tell everyone I was a boy. I'd cute my hair, and everyone will know me as CJ. it'll be harder for people in my old life to find me.

Homeless shelters ask for verification and won't give you help if you don't tell them your info or your parents info, so they can't help.

a hotel is the same way, but a motel is a lot less stern.

my druggie aunt used to stay at this trashy cheap one near the freeway, and according to my mom, it was about 35 a night. That's at least a few nights I can stay, and during those times, I'll find work.

Obviously, since I'm young, nobody will hire me, epically without parents around.

So a babysitter, gardener, or pet sitter is the choice. One of those. I have two dogs at home (this was the hardest part of the plan. i didn't wanna leave them, but you cant bring dogs that aren't service animals onto the train and i couldn't even pretend they were) so I'm good with dogs, and I'm just naturally good with kids.

though it's unknow, these actually pay quite a lot. About enough to pay for one night at the motel after every job and food from dollar tree. no need to be fancy.

I may have to spend a few nights on the street, but I will sit in a 24 hour Dennys until they kick me out and then I'll sleep outside it. There is always people in that, so they can probably protect me. If not, I've been taking karate since I was 3. I can defend myself, and truly just pray all goes well.

a few years later, I'll be 16, and it'll be easier to get a better job to afford a better life (probably a little hard because of no school but it's fine). I'll still live in the motel, but at least I won't be surviving off scraps and garbage. At that point, I may have sold my bike for extra money. if not, that's how I'll get around.

then, at 18, I'll have been saving up money for a few years and will probably have enough to splurge on a fancier motel thats less dangerous. By then, people will have hopefully stopped looking for me, and I can live in peace.

Me now:

and did you think about taxes kid?

so in conclusion, I know we all had a time when we walked down the street with a suitcase and stuffed animal and said we were running away. this was mine.

#CJ rants #now realizing just how crazy i sound #please tell me someone else did this too.#please.#DO NOT TAKE THIS AS ADVICE.#I NEVER ACTUALLY DID IT #SO I DONT KNOW IF IT WORKS.#DONT RISK GETTING IN MUCH TROUBLE WITH THE LAW

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abbatoirablaze · 2 years

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Tig's Daughter, Chapter 4

Word Count: 3.1k

Juice’s POV

"Hey sweetheart," one of the girls smiled at me. I shrugged her off, rolled my eyes and went further into the strip club. I needed to forget what went down tonight. All of that bullshit.

Def Leppard came on just as I sat down, and I watched as the next girl started her set. She danced along the pole, doing some tricks. Her body was grinding against the pole as she removed her top. As the second verse hit, she was sliding down the pole. She rolled onto her stomach for a brief second and a few guys threw bills at her because they saw her tits get pushed together. She rolled over onto her back and by the chorus she was looking me dead in the eye.

Her back arched and she slid out of her skirt. I continued to watch her through her set. Not putting any bills down, her attention went to other 'customers.'

Enjoying simply being a voyeur in the situation I put a drink order in. I watched her until her song ended and she moved down to the next pole after collecting her money. A few of the guys moved to the next stage with her.

I felt a little jealousy in the pit of my stomach as she continued to pay attention to the guys.

'they're paying her bills you asshole.'

I hadn't even noticed that she was gone until two songs later, when a waitress asked if I wanted another beer. Shaking my head, she left me alone.

"So, is staring at strippers a hobby?"

I looked to my left, and there she was. She had wrapped herself in a robe and was smiling at me.

"More or less."

She laughed and sat a shot down next to me.

"Well, it's nice to see a new face."

"What are you staring at?"

"That girl?" I asked the prospect. He looked to where my hand went, "she been here long?"

"Alex?" Her name sounded like a surprise coming out of his lips. I gave him a look.

"Yeah, you know her?"

He shook his head nervously, "uh, no, not really. Got in town a few weeks ago. Just moved here."

"She with anyone?"

"I don't think so…at least not officially," he chuckled, shaking his head yet again while taking a sip of his beer. I raised my brow as he smiled at her, "I think her-"

"KIP!"

He immediately ran over to her, and I couldn't help but feel jealous again.

How did he know her? Were they friends?

He left her at the bar, but only for a second. He came back a few moments later with a case of beer which she began loading into the back of the cooler. He repeated the process a few more times and then came back with a bucket of ice before someone else pulled him in another direction.

"I don't think I've ever seen you give any of us any money."

"Just a place to unwind."

"Most men unwind with their wallets here," she laughed. I smiled as she leaned forward, "you know I've seen you here every night I've worked...none of the other girls have seen you when I'm not here...you following me?"

"Just a fan."

"Well do you have a name, just a fan?"

"Can I tell you it over a private lap dance?"

"That sounds amazing."

The prospect came back with a beer for me.

"What's this?"

"Alex noticed yours was empty," he said, referencing the empty bottle I held in my hand, "she told me to get you another one."

I took it from the prospect and handed him my empty and he was on his way. I watched as she smiled and chatted up members from her spot behind the bar. It wasn't until two beers later that I'd managed to get one for myself.

"Was starting to think the prospect was gonna deliver em to you all night," she laughed as she saw me amongst the crowd at the bar, “want another?”

"Figured I say hey."

"Nice to see you outside of work, Juice."

Her lips met mine as she ground her hips against me.

"Wait," I paused, pulling away from her, "are you single? Is this allowed?"

"No one is watching us, Juice," she giggled, leaning forward. She caught my lips again. And for a second I caved and met her intensity, “I don’t think it matters behind this door.”

"Wait. Are you single?"

"For the moment," she laughed, "I don't exactly pull everyone into a dance and then spend that time making out with him."

"Well, I mean this is what, our fourth date?"

"Are you counting every time I give you a dance?" she asked curiousy, "are you calling them dates?"

"Shit, I-"

"It's cute," she smiled, cutting me off. Her hips ground against mine again and I groaned. She smirked so I pulled her hips down even more so she could feel how hard I was, "fuck."

I smiled as she moaned.

My jeans and boxers and her lingerie were the only material between us. But it all still felt like there was too much there. I wanted to be closer to her.

"Do you have a problem with that?"

"No," she said, shaking her head, "not at all."

My lips caught hers as I pulled her into my room. The door slammed behind us and I slammed her against it. She moaned and bit my lip playfully.

"Fifteen minutes, right?"

"Juice that's only at the club," she giggled, “we’re obviously not at my club.”

I smirked as I felt her hands go down to my jeans, "what are you doing, sexy Lexi?"

"Don't you want this," she whispered against my ear. She began kissing down my neck and I had to stifle a moan when she started nipping at my collar bone, “isn’t this what you’re looking for, Juice?”

"Oh I do," I moaned, gripping her hips a little bit more, "I just want to make sure you want this too."

"What date?"

"Tonight, makes six?"

"Yeah," she whispered softly, “I want this.”

Half-Sack’s POV

"Hey, where'd you go?"

"Just talking with one of the guys," she shrugged. I leaned against the door frame, not entirely believing it, “What…”

"I was starting to think you didn't want to do movie night."

“Of course I want to do movie night with you,” She smiled at me, "you really wanna…even after our last conversation?"

“I can’t keep doing this,” she muttered sadly as she drew little shapes on my chest, I looked down at her and my heart broke. I pulled her closer against myself, “Kip…”

“We have to keep it a secret,” I muttered, “you-“

“I’m eighteen now…have been for weeks…that’s how we got here,” she said delicately, her nails dancing across my chest. I felt my heartstrings tug as I looked at her bare form against mine, “Kip…I want more.”

“Alex…we can’t…”

I nodded, "Of course. I still have feelings for you, Alex…that didn’t change."

"Give me two minutes," she offered. She reached into the dresser and grabbed something and then ran into her bathroom, "you can pick the movie."

I chuckled as she ran into the bathroom. I walked into her room and closed the door, "do you have any preference?"

"No," she yelled through the door, “it’s up to you.”

I went over to where her movies were and started looking. What did I want to watch? What would she want to watch?

"So what'd you pick?"

I turned to look at her and lost my breath. She had changed over into a simple cami and sleep shorts, but she was beautiful.

"Kip?"

"I don't know," I admitted, knowing suddenly that this would end up just like every other time the two of us had spent together alone since she became legal. I cleared my throat and shook my head, trying to push the image of her moaning beneath me from my mind, “wh-what um, what do you want to watch?"

"Pick something scary," she giggled, "I want to see something good."

"You see the last Saw movie that just came out?"

She shook her head. I smiled and ran over to my room, grabbing it quickly. When I came back, she was gone. I got the DVD popped into the player and fast forward to the title screen. A few minutes later she came back with popcorn.

"I could have gotten that."

"You were getting the movie up," she smiled, “it’s no big deal.”

I nodded, ignoring the pang in my stomach. I hope the other guys didn't see her like that. Jealousy began to surge through me.

"Come on," she smiled, leading me to her bed. She laid down and put the popcorn on her night table. Removing my shoes and kutte I sat down on the edge of the bed, "come on Kip, I don't bite."

"You can call me Eddie you know," I smiled, "Kip and Half-sack are nicknames. You don’t have to only call me Eddie when we…”

"Edward Kip Half Sack Epps," she smiled, poking my cheek. I could see the slightest bit of sadness behind her eyes as she snuggled up with her blankets, "somehow that fits you."

"Yeah."

"I like it," she sighed. When I started the movie, she looked at me, "come closer. Lay down. We're watching a movie."

I nodded, delicately moving closer towards the middle of the bed. When I made it far enough, she put the popcorn in my lap.

The movie opened up with some guy being strapped to a table, a pendulum ready to cut him in half if he didn't crush his hands. I wasn't too focused on it. I mostly stared at my lap.

Alex had snuggled up to me. That wasn't the issue. She had been eating popcorn, but her other hand was resting on my thigh. It wasn't until she jumped and gripped my thigh that I actually looked at her.

"I’m sorry, I didn't expect that."

"You okay?"

She nodded, and snuggled up to me even more, putting the bowl on my side of the night table.

"You sure you’re okay?"

I wrapped my arm around her so that she could cuddle up into my chest a little more.

"Yeah."

"We don't have to watch it if you don't want," I offered, “I just thought…”

"No," she said, shaking her head at me, "I want to. "

"Listen," I chuckled, pausing the dvd, "if it's too scary we don't have to watch it. Especially right now. We can watch something else. I won't get mad."

"I want to watch it," she said, sitting up and staring at me, "Please Eddie?"

Shit.

The way she said my name was a cross between a plead and a moan, and it sent a pulse straight to my cock. I was quick to change the subject, trying to avoid my now growing problem.

"Okay," I sighed, tucking her back under my arm, "but if it becomes too much, you tell me, alright?"

"I will."

I smiled again, pressing play on the dvd again. I continued to mostly ignore the movie, and instead, found myself studying her. There was just something about her. I couldn't help but feel like this was so right.

Fuck the fact that she's younger. She gets me. And she's the coolest fucking girl I've ever met.

"Eddie?"

I felt her shift slightly, but she wrapped her arms around me even more. Her legs intertwined with my own, and she was partially on top of me. My breath hitched in my throat as her thigh brushed over my erection.

"You okay?"

She looked up at me through sleepy eyes. She nodded softly and I felt all my worry washing away. She hadn’t even noticed. She was so exhausted that none of it mattered.

"I can pause it and we can finish it tomorrow."

"I'm fine," she yawned, "you're just so comfy."

I paused the movie, but she didn't seem to notice. "What are you thinking of, Alex?"

She shrugged, but her hand reached for mine. I let her hold my hand as she pulled it closer to herself. She inhaled deeply and I felt myself relax into her.

“I love you, Eddie…”

"Eddie."

Her voice was soft.

Her hand brushed my cheek. The warmth of her skin against mine made me not want to open my eyes. Maybe if I pretended to be asleep still, we could pretend this was okay for a little bit longer.

"Eddie."

When I didn't respond she shifted, but my body wanted hers close. The warmth left and I felt myself roll onto my stomach, grabbing her pillow so I could at least have something that smelled like her.

"Why do you have to be my best friend?" she whispered. It almost sounded sad. I felt her lips against my temple, “god…I wish you wanted to be more.”

A few seconds later I heard the door open and close.

Fuck.

I sighed, sitting up, wiping the tiredness from my eyes. When I checked my phone, I laughed. 6:45 AM. We'd fallen asleep just a few hours ago, and no one was going to be awake yet, but here she was, up this early on a Saturday morning.

I got up, grabbing the kutte of her desk and started putting my shoes on.

"Where are you going?"

I looked back. I hadn't even heard her come back. She had a tray in her hands that smelled heavenly.

"I-I made breakfast if you wanted it," she began, "I remembered you had to work at the garage today and I wanted to let you sleep bu-"

"You made this for me?"

"Of course," she smiled. She sat it down on the night table, "I uh-I was gonna shower, but there's pancakes and some hash browns there. I didn't make any bacon or sausage because you're vegetarian."

"You remembered that?"

"Of course," she laughed, ruffling my hair, "you're my best friend, Kip."

God I wish you were more.

Juice’s POV

I smiled to myself. Hell, I couldn't stop from smiling all damn week.

Ever since the party I couldn't wait to see Lexi again...I just had to wait until her next shift at the club and then I could chat her up. I could ask why she was gone by the time I woke up.

I could ask if I could see her outside of the club and outside of a club party.Maybe take her to my place and show her a good time...and actually remember it this time.

"So tell me about this girl."

"What?"

Sack looked at me, "you've been daydreaming damn near all day. Any time anyone's talked to you you've been out of it. It's gotta be a girl, right?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure," he laughed, "but you've been giddy since the party a few days ago."

"It's been almost a week."

"Exactly."

Shit.

I shouldn't have corrected him.

Now he knows it's a girl from the party, "So what about her?"

Maybe if I play it cool, he won't think that much about it.

"Well, I was running errands for people all night," he shrugged, "Just thought maybe you'd wanna talk about it. Was she a crow eater?"

"No," I said quickly, "I wouldn't make a crow eater my old lady."

"Ahh," he said curiously, "so you wanna make this chick your old lady."

"Shut up prospect."

We walked through the gate of fun town together. Looking around it seemed like a good time. This would have been a good place to bring Lexi.

I wish I had her number.

"Hey, yeh made it," Chibs smiled, wrapping an arm around my shoulder, "took the two of yeh long enough."

"Sorry," Half sack grumbled, "Tig had me detail his bike before I was allowed to come down. Then Bobby had me do the same."

"Well shite prospect, if I knew yeh were doing the bikes I'd have left mine there and had yeh jump on er."

"I can do it when I get back," he sighed, “If you want.”

I chuckled, "add mine to that list, would ya?"

"An what about you Juicey boy?" he asked, "everyone's here. You'll finally get to meet Tig's youngest, Alex."

"How many kids does he have?"

"Just the three," half sack commented, "Alex has been staying with us for a while now. I'm surprised you haven't run into her."

"She's barely legal," Chibs laughed, "the only one that hangs out with her is you prospect. An that's because you're her chauffer during the week."

"I've been wondering why they pulled you off mechanic shifts."

"Sack ere has been payin his dues by driving Tig's kid around."

"Speaking of." Sack smiled. He jogged up to Tig stopping in front of someone I couldn't see

"E's become quite smitten with her," chibs laughed, turning around and leading us over, "you know if she wasn’t Tig’s, I'd be all over that. She's a little sex kitten for sure."

"Tigs kid?" I laughed, "Yeah. Okay."

"Hey Juice, Sack said you haven't met Alex yet."

I looked from Tig to the woman he'd had his arm around.

"This is Alexis."

"She goes by anything really," Tig chuckled, "I call her Alex. Few of the guys call her Lexi."

"I answer to most anything," she smiled, pretending not to know me, "Juice did you say your name was?"

But my breath was caught in my throat. Somehow, she looked younger. But there was no doubt in my mind that this was her. Her brunette bob. The flower-patterned dress which stopped at her thighs. She wasn't innocent but she sure as hell looked it today.

"You?"

"Hi." she smiled, acting innocent as ever.

"How old are you again?"

"Woah Juice," Tig growled, "That's my kid."

"She's eighteen brother. Just turned it a few weeks ago," Chibs laughed, trying to make a joke of it, "Lexi here is off the table for a few years, least til Tig finally kicks the bucket."

I felt like my heartrate was going a million miles a second. I made out with her.

Fuck.

The party. I don't remember it. Did we do more?

"You okay Juicey boy?" Chibs asked, "ye look a little green around the gills."

"Sure he's fine," Tig shrugged, "Come on Alex. Let's go on some rides. I remember you loved the little coaster when you were little."

"Okay dad!"

I felt sick to my stomach as the two of them walked away.

"Come on juicey lets get ye some water."

"Yeah,"I nodded along, "Water."

Chapter 5

#soa #sons of anarchy season 1 #sons of anarchy season 2 #sons of anarchy #motorcycle clubs #motorcycle #mc #charming #tigs daughter #soa tig #tig trager #alexander trager #soa juice #juice ortiz x reader #juice ortiz #soa half sack #half sack #eddie epps

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