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#i guess i gotta cancel therapy tomorrow after all
mordcore · 1 year
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oh i think i know what's wrong with me
i'm crashing. that explains
catastrophizing about my fatigue
lack of appetite
general bad mood & everything sucks
severe executive dysfunction
i didnt notice cause im not feeling much more fatigued than the past week of hell-hotness but that's what Caused the crash.
i also didnt notice cause besides the fatigue my other big symptom of crash is pain but ive been having relevantly more pain in general the past months and got accordingly more dissociated from it. i used to say i dont want painkillers cuz the pain makes me notice my limits but that approach doesn't rly work anymore cuz im always in pain now. and also always dissociating from it.
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fenimores-book-nook · 10 months
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~ day 8 of self care writing ~
November 26th, 2023, Sunday
Good late afternoon! (for me) It's 4:24 pm, and I am finally having time AND motivation to sit down and write a self care writing. I kept meaning to write one at the end of last week but I guess I just wasn't feeling it. But that's alright! I think that as long as I do these frequently enough, it's okay if I miss a few days. It's about taking care of myself, right? ;)
So, on with a few details about the last few days: On Thursday--yes, on Thanksgiving day--I finally finished decorating my room for Christmas!
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Featuring my adorable Christmas tree and my favorite trilogy on display; Delirium, Pandemonium, and Requiem, by Lauren Oliver. <3
And yesterday was the first snow for the cold, end of the year months! It was gorgeous.
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I spent a good amount of time playing out in the snow with my family and reading! :)
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I mainly read this one, the book I mentioned that I got at another small, indie bookstore! I was very feeling the Christmas romcom mood, today included. And of course, my mug that I found at a thrift store for only a dollar. Gotta love good thrift store finds. ;)
Now, today, I was planning on trying out the church choir at the church I go to but 1) The roads were bad and I didn't feel comfortable driving and 2) The choir ended up being canceled for today anyways! So today has been a nice, relaxing/lazy day. :) I was able to sleep in and stay in bed and finish the 14th Baby-Sitters Club book while also reading a chapter of Iron Flame and then going back to A Merry Little Meet Cute. So, lots of reading today, I love it! (there's a very good chance that I'll be reading after I finish writing this)
I watched a Christmas movie: The Best Christmas Ever, with my parents, watched the Christmas episode of Amphibia, then I continued re-watching Mockingjay Part 2*, until we headed over to my relatives house to play some games. Now, we're just chillin' at home again.
*Ever since I read and watched The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, I've been thinking of nothing but The Hunger Games. (jk, but I think about it a lot) So, I bought the set of movies that's out on DVD and started re-watching them! I'm a little less than halfway through the last one and I just know that when I finish it I'm going to want to start them over again. BUT- I will be staying at my sisters' place later this week and we're planning on seeing Songbirds and Snakes together, so I'm very excited about that. ;)
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Onto the ~ self care writing ~
How am I ~ Lessons learned ~ How to make the best of tomorrow ~ Gratitude ~ Affirmations
I'm doing okay. There are some worries on my mind but I think things will end up being okay. I had much needed therapy on Friday so that definitely helped get some things off my mind.
I learned some important things at therapy that I'm currently working on! And that my social battery does not last as long as I thought it did. I knew that it could run out quickly sometimes but it seems like lately it's been burning out faster.
Plan to do a little more than having another lazy day before working for the rest of the week. Still relax, but maybe having something to do that'll make me "work" a bit but that is still fun, will set the rest of the week off in a good motion.
I'm grateful for the snow we got! We haven't had this much snow in a very long time and it was so pretty to see again. I'm also very grateful for the Christmas romcom books because they are great comfort reads when I feel in the Christmas-romance mood. I'm also just grateful for today and the past couple days. They've shown me a lot of things I needed to know and also just gave me that good feel of being at peace and just enjoying a good book. :)
There is nothing that God will give me that I cannot handle! Some things may come my way that seem like I can't deal with and I break down, but He knows what He's doing with me! It'll all work out, I just need to put trust in My God and in myself. <3
Until the next one you lovely human,
Thalia <3
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al3x1ss · 4 years
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Just a Friend to You
Chapter 5: Sports
“Y/N! COME GIVE MAMA A SMOOCHIE SMOOCH!”
Y/N pushes open the door with a small duffle bag hanging from her right shoulder to see Kaori and Yukie running at her. Yukie jumps on her, hugging her tightly while Kaori hugs her side, squeezing her stomach.
“You guys act like you didn’t see me yesterday.” Y/N says, rolling her eyes but smiling.
“IT FEELS LIKE WE HAVEN’T!”
“PLEASE BECOME MANAGER AGAIN WE ARE SUFFERING!”
At this point, hearing their two managers crying, the boys stop what they were doing, turning to see the “reunion” between the three girls, seeing Y/N smushed between Yukie and Kaori with a bored look on her face.
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“Ya know it never gets boring to see them like that.”
Akaashi’s eyes lift to turn towards Bokuto, seeing him still looking ahead at the three. Akaashi turns his head back, once again looking at the girls. He sees Y/N trying to shove them off, laughing in his head but only a small smile appears on the outside.
“Apparently she was practicing really late last night, know anything about that?” Akaashi turns once again to see Bokuto look at him. Looking back at Y/N he remembers last night and all that occurred, slightly praying that his cheeks and ears don’t give any sort of reaction.
“No, why do you ask?”
“Just that she would’ve told you,” Bokuto shrugged, “while I’m your best friend, she’s your BESTEST friend!” Bokuto smiles at Akaashi, Akaashi giving him back a small smile, both boys turning back to see the girls finally off of Y/N’s body.
“Huh, yeah.”
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Y/N places her bag by the wall, then walked towards to the bench so see the coach smiling at her.
“Hello again, L/N.”
“Hey coach, so, how are you guys surviving without me?”
“Ugh,” he puts a hand over his heart, acting in pain, “we’re suffering.” Y/N lets out a laugh, a chuckle following from the coaches mouth.
“In all seriousness, they’re doing very well. I’m surprised Bokuto is taking on the captain role so well, along with Akaashi as his right hand man. But, Akaashi is the one to get Bokuto out of his emo mode the quickest.” Coach says, Y/N nodding along, turning to see the boys practicing again doing spiking drills. Bokuto spiked a ball, it hitting the court then flying towards Yukie.
“eY WATCH IT”
“IM SOOOOOORRY YUKIEE”
Kaori started giggling, grabbing the ball and tossing it to Y/N.
“Y/N”
“WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RESTING” Y/N whined, stomping her feet like a 3 year old.
“OH BOO HOO SERVING DRILLS, NOW” Kaori said, coming to drag her by the wrist.
“I DONT WANNA” Y/N says, pulling back while everyone watches this unfold. She can hear Konoha basically wheezing at this point, and Yukie smacking something or someone whilst laughing.
Kaori let’s go of Y/N, letting her fall to the ground. She crosses arms and legs, still pouting, when she feels two hands lift her by the armpit.
“Come come.” Y/N struggles, Akaashi basically carrying her like a rag doll, Haruki recording the whole thing while Yamato laid on the gym floor.
Akaashi makes his way to the other side of the court, Y/N still wiggling. He plops her down, her arms crossed and her eyes staring up at him. He looks down at her with a smile, grabbing a stray ball and handing it to her. Y/N let’s out a sigh, her lips finally breaking into a small smile when Akaashi pats her head.
“JESUS AKAASHI WE GET IT WE’RE SINGLE GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKIN SECOND YEAR HAVING A GIRLFRIEND BEFORE I DO!” The pair turns to see Yamato still on the floor.
Y/N and Akaashi separate, a blush basically tap dancing on their faces with how red it was. Akaashi rubs the back of his neck and goes back to his side of the court. Y/N sighs, holding the ball in her left hand.
“You get 5 serves. If you miss any, you’re doing a flying lap. Am I clear?”
“Yes ma’am.”
The boys missed two of the five serves, Bokuto even screaming at one of them, but the boys just grumbled, sucking it up and doing their punishment. Kaori walked up to Y/N with Yukie, placing her arm around the other two girls.
“It’s insane how they still respect you, despite being younger than most of them.”
“You just gotta work them into shape, but they respect you two as well.” Y/N says, leaning her head onto Kaori’s hand.
“I honestly think Y/N puts the fear of god into them since they know she hits as hard as some of them can.” Yukie says, letting out a chuckle.
“Speaking of, what was that with Akaashi?” Y/N turns to the girls quickly, both of them now standing next to eachother smirking, their eyebrows constantly raising.
“THAT was him treating me like a 5 year old.”
“THAT was him basically confessing to you.”
“I-“
Y/N starts to cough, becoming red once again, Yukie and Kaori busting out laughing at the girl. Yukie sighs, grabbing the other girls hand and beginning to walk towards the bench with them.
“You just gotta do it when the time is right, although please sooner than later this is hurting my heart.” Y/N shakes her head, slightly giggling. She stands, signaling that she’s going to go refill her bottle.
As she waits for the bottle to fill, her phone dings.
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Practice ended after another hour, the boys now cleaning up. Y/N sat with some chips as coach approached her once again.
“So, how’s your team coming along?”
“Well, their captain is a bitch, but they are confident that they’ll win tomorrow.” Y/N says, smiling up at him at he laughs.
“Maybe I’ll let off practice, let them see how they can actually play if they don’t fool around.” He says, crossing his arms and shaking his head.
“Oh? I guess I never told you about us using the volleyball net as a race line-“
“yOu DID WHAT-“
After a brief scolding from coach, the boys came over, seeing that their old manager definitely still had a knack for giving their coach a headache.
“Practice tomorrow will be cancelled, however, I do suggest you going to see the girls game. Not only should we support them as much as they support us, but also I do want to see this one as a captain. I’m sure the now 2nd and 3rd years do as well.” The boys nodded along with what coach was saying, then turned to face you.
“Y/N!! Are you a super cool captain like me?”
“No.”
“BAHSHFBF” Bokuto’s hair fell while Kaori laughed, Yukie also laughing but trying to cheer up Bokuto by patting his back.
“I’m not a great captain, I do still fall on my ass, but we both are good captains, Bokuto,” Y/N says, walking up to him and holding out her hand, “No matter how many times we fail.”
Bokuto grabbed her hand, pulling her in for a hug, tears starting to form.
“AWWE Y/NNNNN”
“Since when the fuck were you so inspiring?”
“Yeah, usually you’d yell at us or tell yourself to “pick your ass off up the ground and cry about it at therapy.”
“HEY THAT WAS ONE TIME!”
“4 times actually.”
“I- COACH!”
Y/N and Konoha kept bickering, ending up with Konoha in a headlock and Y/N being pried off by Yamato and Akaashi. Y/N huffed, grabbing her bag along with everyone else, and locking up.
As she saw groups of people beginning to leave, she saw Keiji approach her.
“Let me walk you home today?”
“KEJEHTBT”
Y/N heard a squeal, turning to see Kaori repeatedly slapping Yukie’s arm in excitement, sighing, she turned back to face Akaashi with a smile on her face.
“Fine, but my feet hurt so you’re either taking my bag or we walk slow.”
“Or.”
“Or? What do you mean or-“
Akaashi bent over slightly, putting his bag on the ground. Y/N stared at him for a while, him obviously signaling for her to climb onto his back.
“N/N I swear to god you’re gonna give me scoliosis hurry the hell up”
Y/N climbed on, wrapping her legs around his middle and arms around his neck. He had his bag and hers draped across his shoulders as she laid her head on his back.
“Comfy?”
“Yessir, indeed!”
The two kept up chat whenever something came to mind, even showing him the picture Kaori managed to get of you guys while beginning your walk home. After a while, Y/N climbs off his back, only 5 minutes away from her house.
“Akaashi?”
“Yes N/N?” She sighs, brushing hair out of her eyes. While she debated on confessing tonight, a lot of signs were saying that it wasn’t the right time. Y/N could be anywhere with Keiji and it would be magical, but if he liked her back, she’d want it to be memorable for him as well.
“Are you gonna come to the game?”
“Of course, I want to see you spike some poor girls head again.”
“Kaaasshiiii” Y/N whined, swinging his hand in frustration.
“In all seriousness, it would be cool to see you kick someone else’s ass for once.” Y/N scoffed, giving Akaashi a light shove on his shoulder.
“That’s because you deserve it, asshole.” He scoffed back, placing a hand on his chest in offense.
“I’m the asshole?”
“Mhm!”
“Nu-uh!”
“Ya-huh!”
This went on for 3 full minutes. Bystanders stared at the pair arguing like children, meanwhile they looked like they could be college students.
“IT WAS THE OTHER DAY AKAASHI.”
“OH SO WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO PAINT MYSELF GREEN? I AM NOT THE MATERIAL ✨C A S H M O N E Y ✨ Y/N.”
Y/N wheezed, smacking Akaashi’s arm as they walked into her driveway, now realizing how dark it was since they probably took twice as long. Y/N sighed, the last few giggles escaping her lips. She looked at Keiji who had a toothy smile on his face, him already looking at her.
“Thank you for walking me home, Keiji.”
“Anytime, N/N.”
Y/N sighed, turning to walk to her door.
“Y/N?”
This mf better not confess right now it was a really good time-
He lifted his arms, making grabby hands at her, Y/N’s head tilting in confusion. She makes her way back over to him, coming into close proximity. He wraps his arms around her waist, turning to stuff his face into her neck. Y/N tenses up, then relaxes, wrapping her arms around his neck.
“What’s this for, Keij?” Y/N releases Akaashi, looking up at him. He turns, beginning to walk away, but turns back to face her.
“Cuz I’m a lonely bitch, Y/N. Jesus get your mind out of the gutter. Premarital hugging? Never.” Akaashi keeps a straight face, Y/N staring back at him to see who breaks first. However, they break at the same time, laughing loudly once again. After a few seconds, the lights on Y/N’s porch flickers 3 times, signaling its time for her to come in. As she goes to go up the stairs, she runs back to him a third time.
Y/N stands on her tippy toes, kissing Akaashi on the cheek, slowly sinking down.
“Thank you once again, Keiji.”
As she finally starts to go up the stairs, Y/N turns her head to face him once again, giving him a small wave which he returns.
She makes her way into the house, slipping off her shoes and running up to her room, falling backwards on her bed with a huge smile on her face.
“Heh, cute.”
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Notes
Y/N likes Akaashi
This is not the first time Yukie has called herself mama Yes Y/N has called herself daddy
The girls attacking eachother was a usual occurrence
Bokuto DOES know that Akaashi was there with her, but just wanted to see what he would say
Coach would make Y/N do serving drills last year so that while she skipped her own practice, she was still practicing
Y/N thought the plural of goose was gooses, hence the GC name
This is not based on a true story please do not call me out I BEG 😀✊
Atsumu flirts with Y/N for fun, nothing serious
Everyone has pet names for Y/N, while Y/N just calls them “gooses” as a collective group
Osamu calls Y/N “doll” because the first movie they watched together was “Captain America: The First Avenger”
Osamu does NOT like Y/N
Y/N did not actually use the net as a race line
Akaashi is a VERY calm person around everyone and around Y/N, but once in a while Akaashi does get on the chaotic levels of Y/N, even if it just for a few minutes
Akaashi walked home with his hand on his cheek
Y/N squealed at 1am, remember Akaashi doing the grabby hands so he could get a hug
Y/N also realized that she had kissed Akaashi on the cheek as a moment of boldness Yes, she called the girls and Kuroo
Back to Masterlist
C. 4 <- C. 5 -> C. 6
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razorblade180 · 3 years
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Twin snowflakes part 24: Date Night.
Part 23 here! <-
Still exhausted, Veronica flopped back onto her bed with the help of Nick. The girl let the mattress steal all tension from her body, letting out a sigh of satisfaction. “Aaahhhh! That’s the stuff. Appreciate the help.”
“Don’t mention it. Especially after what you just did. Frankly I had no plan to get Summer to cooperate.”
Veronica chuckled the best she could. “Hehe, not often Nicholas Schnee doesn’t have a plan. I guess you owe me then? Lucky for you I take words of affirmation as payment all the time.”
Nick smiled. It was nice to see Veronica joking. Encountering Shiva always put a dread over him, but she seemed to not care much. That’s Veronica alright, refusing to take crap from anybody. “I could praise you, or how about I praise you over a nice dinner?” Nick quickly responded.
All the neurons in Veronica’s brain suddenly came to a screeching halt. Her body immediately came flinging forward to sit upright to stare at the smiling boy. “What…?” She asked, still processing the question.
“Let me take you dinner.” He said again, “I have a reservation at this place in Atlas tonight. I was gonna cancel but we could just have a night out together. You still haven’t tried much food from here right? Plus I know you still have to be hungry. This works out.”
Veronica couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Did Nick just ask her out on a dinner date? That didn’t sound right, even if it was a thank you gift. As quickly as her eyes lit up, they began to squint at him with skepticism. “What happened with Valerie?”
Now his eyes got big. He wasn’t expecting that response. “Uhhhh what?” His voice gave away his nervousness and Veronica could clearly tell.
“Don’t play dumb with me Nick. I’m not gonna call you a liar or anything, but I know you, and you know me; as well as my feelings.” She said that last part sheepishly. “You aren’t the kind of person to play with my emotions or offer a dinner date when you’re crushing on Val, so what’s up? Be straight with me”
It was becoming clear to Nick that he apparently could be read like a book. This is the third person within twenty four hours to look at him and automatically knew to ask about Valerie. This was ridiculous! His life had many things that made him bummed out. How are people guessing right on the first try!?”
“Uhhhhh” he scratched the back of his head and sighed. No point tip toeing around it. Not like it was a secret or anything, yet his stomach felt queasy all the same. “I ran into her yesterday. She was pretty upset that I didn’t tell her I got sick. I apologized and tried to smooth our recent bickering over with dinner. It was going okay, but then…Val immediately started to brush me off. I got upset, she started deflecting, people started staring, then she really started saying some things that really got me upset; kinda made a little scene out of it before walking off. Nor really princely, huh?” He tried smiling at the self jab, but failed. “Anyways, next time we meet per her request more a less will be at the tournament. We currently aren’t on speaking terms. Something she should be fine with since distance was what she wanted in the first place.”
Veronica could hear a little venom in those words. Val really did have Nick upset. He’s never this openly bitter. Though maybe it was being behind closed doors that allowed him to drop the facade of being consistently pleasant. Frankly, that made Veronica a little happy for him, in an odd way. However… “I see. So I assume that this dinner reservation was for you and her?” An answer wasn’t needed. Nick’s moment of sulking was replaced with a guilt ridden look on his face the moment she asked. “You know, kinda shitty you’re asking me to a dinner meant for another girl that turned you down. Not a fan of being someone’s second choice.”
Nick closed his eyes and let in a sharp breath like he had just been hit. “Oooo yeah, yeah that was pretty messed up for me.”
“Mhmm, big time. No girl wants to hear that you know?”
“I didn’t mean- I wasn’t trying to...sorry. That was tasteless and selfish of me.” He looked down, shamefully and with genuine guilt. It was only when Veronica’s hand lifted his head by his chin did he see the girl stare at him with an observing gaze and lips pouting to the side. She then crossed her arms and looked away from him, ears tucked and a tinge of red visible on her.
“You’re lucky you’re a good person and I am hungry. I…guess you could apologize with a good dinner?” Veronica knew he wasn’t trying to be insensitive. Still, she was more than a little ticked off at herself for letting him off easy. Darn his good qualities! Being mad towards him for long was never gonna happen. Not to mention having a calm outing together is a golden opportunity. No way she wasn’t gonna capitalize off of Valerie’s mistakes. Her eyes shifted towards Nick to see a relieved smile that only made staying upset harder.
“This place better be good! Also I’m gonna order every expensive thing possible!” Veronica declared, attempting to save face.
“Hehe, thank you, and go right ahead and order anything you want. It’s not until around nine so please, get some rest.”
“I should be saying that to you. Isn’t going out at night in the cold while moody only gonna give you more sniffles?”
“Pfft, I’m sick anymore. Just focus on healing and rest. Not that I have to tell you this, but you gotta dress nice for where we’re eating.”
Veronica smirked, pointing at a closet of designed outfits. “Careful. I may not be worth billions but I’ll make you look like a pocket change if you don’t wear you best.”
The boy let out a cocky chuckle before walking to the door. “For your information, I’m two billion.” He said puffing out his chest playfully, leaving on that note. He could hear her gentle laughter behind the door. At least he could lift one girl’s spirit. As for the other, Nick looked at his sister’s locked door. He couldn’t help himself. He wasn’t going to knock, but he had to at least walk to it. Come to think of it, Nick had a hard time remembering when this door remained open. Most days it kept either the warmth in, while shutting others out. Slowly he rested his hand against it. The wood, cool to the touch.
“Tell me what you need.” He thought, “I’m not a mind reader…” Nick could only sigh. He removed his hand and stepped back. As he began to walk, the door moved. As if something was pressed against it from the other side.
“I know you’re there.” Summer said from the other side. Nick quickly walked back to it. Somehow he could imagine how she was on the other side. One leg extended while the other was bent as she pressed her back to the door. Nick took a seat himself, mimicking the pose he envisioned.
“You okay?”
“Far from it, but that’s par for course…” Summer looked over her shoulder as if she was actually resting against her brother’s back. “Honestly I feel so fucked up some days that therapy feels like a joke. I think I need a break.”
“What kind of break?”
“The usual…” Summer let her words draw out lazily. The back of her head rhythmically tapped the door. “Care to join me?”
Nick tugged at the carpet fibers, mulling it over. “Mmmm sorry, I’m not in the mood for that kind of relief. Besides, I already have plans. I’ll cover for you though. I think venting could do some real good for ya. Just don’t stay out too long. Leave around… half past nine.”
“Will do, thanks Nick.” Even though a door separated them, Summer could feel the care from the other side. Veronica’s words back in the forest about Nick and how Summer treats their relationship struck an all too sensitive cord. “I promise not to worry you. Have fun with whatever you’re doing tonight. I’ll keep you updated and everything.”
“Don’t stress about it. I believe in you. Anyways, I gotta get going. I think I’ll do a bit of distressing in my own way.” Nick stands up. “Better go while there’s daylight.”
“Gonna pay respects?”
“Yep. Enjoy your outing. I’ll see ya tomorrow if I don’t see ya tonight before I leave. Love ya.” He walked away after that, not expecting a response. Didn’t need one. After all, Summer coming to the door said enough.
All in all, things felt okay. Life felt okay. By no means was it perfect, but Nick was thankful he had blessings to count. He’d feel better after the tournament. What should’ve been an exciting time was getting more troublesome. Training, performing, fighting Darren in the duos, and now a not so friendly rematch with Valerie. At least Eliza still had a sportsmanship attitude. He still needed to ask her favor as well. By the end of this she would certainly be sick of him. Nick was surprised she didn't block his number yet. That would royally suck.
His slow walk took down the stairs and back to the front of the manor. He heard dishes clanking from the door to the far left while he grabbed his dark blue winter coat off the rack. “That you dad?” The kitchen door swung open to show Jaune drying a cup and Yang waving in the background as she held a slice in her mouth while talking to Blake. How they managed to swipe pizza out of Veronica’s room was beyond Nick.
“What’s up?” Jaune said, noticing his son put his jacket on. “Heading out? Your mom and aunts should be back soon. Pretty sure they’d want-”
“Veronica and I are going on a dinner date later.” Nick interjected. As planned, his father was derailed. Stammering footsteps came plopping out of the kitchen in the form of a very wide eyed blonde, and a shocked ninja. Blake’s ears even did the little twitch Nick as seen Veronica do whenever she’s caught off guard. “Yeah I thought you all should now. I’d say don’t bug her about it and let her rest, but considering Yang’s feet are already pointed towards the stairs…”
Yang looked down. “Huh...how about that?” She said, walking up the stairs with Blake trying to stop her.”
“Let her rest Yang!”
“But I wanna say stuff~” she whined, “I guarantee you she’s listening to us right now.”
Yang was right on the money. Veronica was currently judging how much strength it would take to lock the door. Her odds were bad. “Okay I don’t care how cute he is. This was cruel!” Veronica thought loudly to herself.
Jaune watched Blake slowly get dragged up the stairs by trying to stop Yang. Without looking, he leaned forward and reached out to grab Nick’s shoulder, who was trying to slowly back up to the door. He faced forward and smiled. “Good attempt, but you’d need a better distraction than that.”
“Eh it was worth a shot…” Nick sighed. He was pulled forward and fell into a surprise hug. He stood silently for a minute before wrapping his arms around his dad. “You needed a hug?”
“Not really, but you looked like you did.” Jaune said, squeezing tired. “You know you’re growing up into a fine young man. Better than me by a long shot at your age. I hope you know your entire family is proud of you.”
“I know dad…” Nick said, his voice getting stuck in his throat a little.
“I know I can’t relate to some of the pressures you feel. Honestly being a part of a household with this much attention and expectation still gets me anxious from time to time. So don’t hesitate to vent to me. You’re a young adult yeah, but I’m still my son and sixteen. Weiss and I would much rather see you yell at an annoying cameraman or get scrappy with a bully than see you try to hold it in for the sake of family image. Remember that.”
How did he do it? It was unfair, downright cheating almost in Nick’s eyes. How could so many people easily call him out? “What’s the point of enduring if everyone I wanna reassure sees right through the act? So much for a brave face.” He muttered. Jaune finally let go of him. The compassionate father poked Nick right where his heart was.
“Enduring an ordeal for the sake of others is pretty brave in my book, but who said you couldn’t endure hardships and still be open to those who matter? Have you meant your friends and family? Besides your sister I don’t think there’s a soul close to you who isn’t an expert of seeing past masks. Val and Vee live with bleeding hearts and the rest have had to put up with me!” He chuckled, “Just like I’m sure you know when someone is upset.”
Nick had his doubts. “Mmmmm, starting to think I might not know them as well as I think. Val is...ugh, I don’t know she is. Learned about Vee’s traits recently for the first time, and Summer-”
“Okay, I see your point. But! Learning new things about them and knowing there’s things you don’t know, doesn’t erase what you did. Y’all are teens. There’s a bunch of things to sort through. At the end of the day though, you know them where it counts. Does that make sense?”
“....Yeah, I think I do.” Nick nodded, thanks dad. Seriously. It’s kinda scary how good at talking you are.”
“Comes with practice, specifically learning to listen and just watch closely. You may not realize it but you do this plenty. It’s a big reason people gravitate towards you. Well… people who are just money hungry anyways, but that’s more of a rich person policy than a Nick-ism. I digress! You better get going before your mother comes back and give you her own talk.” Jaune said. He opened up the door for Nick to leave. “From the way you’ve been acting I assume you’re heading to pay your respects?”
Nick nodded, “I’ll try not to be terribly long. Don’t tell mom unless she asks. You know how she gets?” Nick walked through the door, fist bumping his dad on the way out.
Jaune closed the door and went back to the kitchen. Somewhere above him he could hear giggles and a few squealing. “Hopefully nothing catches on fire up there.”
“You are starting a fire!” Blake yelled, trying to contain Yang’s excitement so the blonde’s hair would stop flaring up. “Use your words.” Blake laughed.
“Please…” Veronica groaned. This level of energy was higher than usual. “You’re more excited than me. It’s just a dinner date. Barely even that. More like a thank you gift I suppose.” That being said the blush coming to her face clearly sung a different tune. “Can we please talk about anything else? I mean mom, you’re here!”
Blake crossed her arms. “So I heard you got into a fight? Let’s talk about that.”
“Ummm, so this date, any suggestions on what to wear?” Veronica poorly deflected. Blake didn’t even respond and Yang was smart enough not to. There was no choice but to talk about it unfortunately. “Sigh….I know okay? Ma told me I should’ve eaten and I didn’t listen. I should’ve, or learn to walk away from-”
“I’ll stop you right there. Don’t think for a second I wasn’t okay with a person getting hit when they were clearing harassing you.” Blake took a seat on the bed. “Expecting you to balance instinct, emotions, and logic here in Atlas was never in the cards, because frankly we don’t know what that balance is. Not to say I assumed you’d fight here. All I wanted was for you to try and...take a break from the norm.”
“If that’s the case then school should’ve been removed right off the back. It doesn’t matter the location, people act the same. Different faces, same insufferability. Only difference is these bozos are rich and human.”
“You make it sound like you aren’t crushing on a rich human whose parents are allowing you to stay in their manor.” Yang deadpanned. “Not making you go to school would only leave you bored and gods know what you’ll do with too much time on your hands. Then again you managed to stir things up already by stealing a spot on the cheer team.”
Blake did a double take. That wasn’t mentioned earlier. “Cheer team? How did that happen?”
“A girl got cocky with me so I out performed her. Honestly I was more than a little surprised by it all. Holding pom-poms, doing flips on mats, and even the couch blowing the whistle, kinda forgot what those things were like until I was in the moment.”
“See? That’s a change from norm.”
“Pretty sure that counts as a return to form.” Veronica countered. “It’s whatever though. Just a temporary thing. Although I’ll admit that Eliza chick, Marigold’s kid, she’s pretty decent.”
Blake wasn’t expecting that easier. “Oh? Well that’s nice. Sounds like that could be not so temporary?”
“Eh, whatever happens, happens.” It was a nice thought. Veronica couldn’t deny that. “Any other thing you wanted to discuss with me? I’d like to lay down for a bit longer.”
“How’s it feel to discuss all this genetic stuff with Nick and Summer? Call it what you want, but telling them was no different from a therapy session if it made you feel better.” Blake stated.
Veronica frowned. “Not how I see it. I’m pretty indifferent for the most part I’d say. Haven’t thought deeply about it. Veronica plopped her head on the pillows and turned away.
Blake and Yang took their scrappy daughter’s hint to leave. Blake got off the bed and was more than fine revisiting the discussion later. Yang briefly bent over Veronica’s covered face and kissed her head.
“Muah! By the way, I’m pretty sure Nick would love to see you in his colors. No heels though. He’s a little touchy about his height.” Yang left after that, closing the door gently. Veronica could only lay there pondering the advice.
“Hmmmm that could work.”
xxxx
While the youth finally got some rest, Adults were hard at work trying to piece together all that’s happened. Ruby and Weiss scoped out the undisturbed frozen lake along with Winter, Nora, and Penny most importantly. Though there wasn’t much to go on. Just crushed rocks, claw marks from ferocious grimm, and a mix of blue and red blood that made Weiss particularly uncomfortable. Ruby sensed that uneasiness and quickly began rubbing her partner’s back.
“Your daughter’s fine.” Ruby reassured. “If what she said is accurate then she never actually lost control.”
“Yeah but the blue dyed snow before us means she just barely held on. That’s too close for comfort.” Weiss held her hands together gently. “It feels like things are getting worse.”
“Because you’re in the thick of it.” Nora spoke, projecting her voice to get their attention. The strong and prideful woman made her way over to them. “Every day you’re worried for her and wake up knowing your daughter is a few rooms away upset. A parent is only as happy as their saddest child, and seeing Summer so distant makes it difficult to see the good stuff. This situation is trying, yes, but Summer still fought back. Your daughter fought Shiva off and killed grimm to protect someone. Determination like that is a sign Summer isn’t done fighting by a long shot, so that means you shouldn’t mope. I mean she gets all that strength to defy assholes from you.”
Ruby gave a big smile. She couldn’t have said it better herself. “Yeah! Nora’s right. We’ll turn this around.”
“....Geez, you two ever stop being helpful?” Weiss said, smiling gently. She was happy to have them here. “Thank you, especially you Nora.”
“Considerate my way of apologizing if Valerie really upset Nick. I told her she needed to call him, especially after him having the decency to call me so I could keep her in the loop about this. Apparently she wasn’t very pleased that he was ill and didn’t mention it. She’s….a lot sometimes.”
“Hey, so were we. I’m sure she means well and I’m not oblivious to the fact Nick can be...a lot as well. I’m partly to blame. I enable some of his actions towards her from time to time. I think I’m projecting a bit. Maybe I should tell him to move on?” Weiss sighed. Perhaps she played matchmaker too much and misread things.
Nora could only chuckle. “Hehe, I wouldn’t. Believe me when I tell you Valerie doesn’t hate having Nick look her way. A little forwardness is the only way she’ll acknowledge problems she doesn’t want to deal with. I can’t say for certainty what those problems are but I don’t pin any of it Nick. Val has a way of wanting her cake and eating it too. She’s gotta learn hard ways that’s not how life goes. I just hope Nick finds it in himself to not hate her because of this.”
“Pfft, I don’t think hate truly exists in his vocabulary.” Weiss laughed. She could count on her hand how many times Nick truly despised a person. “He’ll be petty about it I’m sure, but that’ll go away. Space between them might be good. At the end of the day I at least want them to still be close. Val has a way of motivating him that I like. He actually has fun.”
“Yeah, my Little Thunderhead excels at moving people, that’s for sure. Her semblance would be pretty mediocre otherwise if she wasn’t.”
The three continued talking lightly until Penny eventually walked up with Winter. “Okay, so I’ve finished running some tests of the area and the deposit of Diamond Dust. I have….unique results.” Penny said, a bit baffled.
Ruby wasn’t a fan of that statement. “Ummm that doesn’t sound great coming from a person who reads books written in binary. What did you find?”
“This dust is less volatile than the samples in my lab, even though it’s been untouched for longer. By all means it should be more refined.”
“Well isn’t it a good thing that it isn’t?” Weiss asked. “We barely handle what we have.”
“True, but it’s strange. There’s a couple possibilities that may explain this. Summer may have used up some unintentionally, or maybe Shiva herself was syphoning it.”
Winter folded her arms, “Not a fan of that second option. Based on the story though, what if it wasn’t touched at all?”
“Panic attack.” Penny said immediately. “She hasn’t been here since the accident, right? It’s entirely plausible that Summer’s mind and body remembered the trauma. Repressed memories or outright fear and anxiety could be the basis for this entire event. I tried contacting Oscar if he’s noticed anything different in Summer’s behavior, but I can’t get in contact with him. The seas have been rather violent lately due to weather changes.”
“So what you're basically saying is we're as lost as usual?” Weiss said, falling backwards into the snow. “Juuuuuust great. I’m going to assume the pain attack option then. That’s something I can work on with her. If Shiva is by any chance stronger now then the only thing we can do is what we always do. Brace ourselves.”
Ruby looked down at Weiss. “And option one actually means we have less dust to deal with. That’s a plus!” She knew it was a small amount of positivity but every bit helped. Weiss smiled at her and sat up.
“Here’s hoping for option one as well I suppose. We should probably head back. This place creeps me out a bit.”
Ruby helped Weiss up and everyone began leaving. Penny kept staring at the data she collected and trying to call Oscar. Unfortunately the man wasn’t answering. Her displeased sigh was heard by Winter, who rubbed the girl’s back.
“Not to be insensitive, but your son and Qrow wouldn’t do anything too crazy out a sea would they?”
Winter laughed nervously. “Hehehe….I’m sorry.”
“That doesn’t inspire confidence!” Penny yelped. Now she was only going to think about them being stranded by the gods or in a storm. Hopefully she would hear from him soon. “I guess a deeper study will have to wait. Ruby, can I stay at your place with Whitley for a bit? I don’t wanna go home yet. Too lonely.
“Sure thing! Door is always open. Though I bet you’ll have a livelier time at the manor these days.”
Penny tried her best to act like that would be a good idea. “Tempting, but a certain blonde teenage girl wouldn’t like that much, considering her parents so desperately want my husband to be her therapist. Summer also sees me enough as is. Nick would be happy I was there.” She said in a happier tune.
“He’s not home if I know him well enough.” Weiss frowned. “Times like these, I’m sure he’ll visit the graveyards.”
Truly, her son was easy to read.
xxxx
Right now the boy in question walked through an alley of tombstones and snow, his and covered in pollen. Atlas’s central graveyard had become a place for Nick over the years. The wide space and solitude became a welcoming barrier that blocked out most strangers from approaching him. Even the paparazzi had enough tact to not disturb a person here. His feet carried him down multiple lanes towards an old tree barren of any leaves looming over a grave with no actual tombstone. Standing before it was Eliza, wearing a dark blue winter coat and deep in thought. He wasn’t expecting to see her today.
Nick kept approaching until he stood beside her silently. A cool breeze went by them as the air itself felt still. Eliza eventually shifted her gaze to him, completely aware he was there. She looked down at his dusty yellow hands before speaking. “Talking to your grandma again?”
“Yeah. She says I should eat more sandwiches. Afraid I’m a little too then.”
“Heh, always witty. Visited your gramps yet?”
Nick shook his head, “No that’s halfway across Atlas from here and further from my home. It’s the next stop. What about you? Didn’t expect you to be here today.”
“Haven’t been in awhile.” Eliza waved her hand to cause a brief gust that blew away the snow from the grave and several others. “It needed cleaning and I was in the area. So what brings you here specifically? You only visit here on anniversaries, holidays, and when you’re moody. Last time I checked this is a random day, soooo”
“Eh don’t worry about it. Everything is alright now. Just decompressing.”
“Fair enough.” Eliza put her hands in her pocket and went back to thinking, until she realized Nick was looking at her again. “Uhh can I help you?” She said a little confrontational.
Nick got a little defensive and spoke quickly. “No, just surprised you’re not pressing me to open up.”
“Why? Your business is your business unless you make it my business. Something you’ll do if your attitude negatively affects the preparation for the tournament.”
“Ouch...well if that’s the case then the favor I’m about to ask you shouldn’t refuse.”
That peaked her interest. Eliza actually turned around fully. “You’ve been asking a lot of favors of me lately.”
“I’ve asked like two favors, and you’re the one telling me to directly involve you if-”
Eliza covered his mouth, irritated by him being right. “I know what I said! Sigh… what’s up?”
Nick looked down at the hand on his mouth, getting Eliza to remove it. “You’re lucky I didn’t lick it.”
“You’re lucky I don’t beat you up on hollow ground.”
Nick smirked. “Oh, so you think you can finally take me?”
Eliza squinted at him as her face got a little red. Why the hell did he have to be like this sometimes!? “The next words you speak better be your favor, or I’m walking away.”
“Well I wouldn’t exactly call it a favor but if you’re training by the harbor tonight, I’d appreciate it if you swooped by the seventh dock. The one with the huge building they rarely put cargo in. Summer is going to be there blowing off some steam. I don’t think anything will go wrong but you know, if you got the time…?”
“Hmmm I guess that’s not unreasonable. Wait, how do you know I train by the harbor!?”
“Did you forget my cousin literally owns a ship? If I’m correct, one time he said his sail caught on fire when a random bolt of lightning came down one day.”
“......” Eliza put her hand back in her pocket and began walking. “You’re really annoying Nick.”
“I’ve done nothing! Also I’m not done talking! I actually do have a real favor I’ve been mulling over for about a day!” Eliza kept walking away from him. “Hey! Don’t just- Can you train me!?” He shouted, hoping to gain her interest again.
It worked wonderfully. Eliza stopped mid-step and pivoted around. “Excuse me?”
“Training, yeah uh there’s this thing Schnee’s do called the candle test. Helps with our glyphs. Long story short, I’m ass at it hehe. Summer has stuff going on and it’s not really clicking with my mom or aunt. Since your magic is sorta like what I have to do, I thought maybe-”
“We are in a contest against each other, Nicholas.” She said firmly. “You are my opponent! One of two people currently in my way from reaching the top. Why on Remnant would I help you?”
Nick’s eyes avoided contact with hers. He began to scratch the back of his head as if he’d been caught red handed in a lie. “Because… you value sportsmanship?” He looked at her to receive an unamused blank stare that was colder than the snow. “Uh, and also you helping me in any capacity will let you in on a proposition that you’d find very intriguing. But I’ll only tell you when we’re training.”
“Tsk, I would think a Schnee would know better how to do business negotiations. Why would I make a deal when I don’t know if I even care about it? You tell me now or not at all.”
“I can’t say it now! I gotta smooth out details.”
“Then I guess we’re done here.”
“Fine, then I guess you don’t want a shot at gold with a sure fire way of at least getting silver!” He boasted, catching Eliza off guard. Nick slicked his hair back and crossed his arms to intimate his uncle’s calm yet assertive demeanor. “Yeah that’s right. I’m saying I have an idea crazy enough to benefit you and I. Everyone wants gold of course. However, you got a little more riding on this, don’t you?”
Eliza remained silent. Nick began walking a little closer to refrain from speaking too loud. “Last year was your real debut to the public eye and it was pretty good one at that. Third place is nothing to snuff at in the singles bracket. However...trust me when I say I know third is the worst seat in the house. That’s where the pressure and stress is. One mistake and you're off the podium and that feels terrible when people finally start looking your way.”
Eliza began tapping her foot. He wasn’t wrong. Not by a long shot. Confident as she was, Eliza was aware of her only two options. Do better, or hit the same bar. Winning was the goal but no one was gonna give her shit for losing to the top two contests. Nick and Valerie have been dominating for about three years now, and here he was saying he can get her to second. “Get to the point.”
Nick unfolded his arms. Time to be gentle again. “I cannot get into specifics at this time, but if you wanna show up at the manor anytime this week to help me, we can talk. I can get you second at minimum in King of the Hill.
His eyes burned with eagerness. Eliza had so many questions but obviously he wouldn’t answer them. This plan clearly had to be in his favor to get first, which neither of them had earned before. However, Valerie was first. How did she fit into this? What was going through his head!? Eliza had to know what regardless if she’d actually be okay with it. Her eyes narrowed at him. “Tsk, I take back what I said. Guess you are a Schnee. I will see when I can come over and help. Now, any other obnoxious request before I get driven away from this conversation?”
“Well……” Nick could feel just how dangerous this situation was. “It’s quite a walk to the other cemetery from here….hehe.” Laughing was hard when someone’s nostrils were flaring at you in frustration. Getting closer might’ve been a terrible decision.
Eliza closed her eyes briefly, then turned around to walk away. She went a few steps before briefly stopping. “Knock the snow off your shoes before you step in.”
Nick lit up like a Christmas tree. “You’re the best!!!”
“Why did he get more votes than me!?” Eliza internally screamed.
xxxxx
The day seemed to drag on. It had taken some time for Weiss to return home with the company of her sister and Ruby. Nora had departed earlier to check in on her family. Penny had opted to head towards Ruby’s home before her. They would’ve gone together but Ruby did want to see her niece and Blake. Penny had yet to properly see her friends. Though she wanted to, she thought it best to hold off for now.
The trio walked into the house and were assaulted by the strong scent of what had to be Jaune’s amazing cooking. They could practically see the aroma of spices dance in the air. One spice in particular hit Ruby. It was subtle but sharp at the same time. The kind of spice that sent a zing through your nose and hit your tastebuds. A mouth watering smile spread on her face and her stomach growled.
“Mmmmmm” Ruby hummed, “Somebody brought spices with them from Menagerie.” She sang. Ruby and Weiss wasted no time heading to the kitchen. Inside was an apron-wearing knight stirring a pot of stew, and their favorite faunus in the whole wide world in an apron cutting vegetables.
Blake didn’t even need to turn around to know what giggling pair just entered the kitchen. She put the knife down all the same and turned around with her arms wide open. “Well-” she couldn’t even say her boastful introduction before her two cheecky smile teammates dove in for a hug. All three of them just became a choir of happy laughter as they embraced one another.
Weiss finally let her friend go to get a good look at her. “Look at you! Traveled all this way and you’re helping make dinner!? I don’t deserve you!”
“Well I saw Jaune breakout a pot and I figured he’d enjoy some help without fear of something burning.” Blake jabbed. Ruby immediately tucked her lips to stop herself from snickering at the diss.
Weiss’s jaw dropped. She still smiled however, crossing her arms. “Oh ha ha, I’ll have you know my cooking is leagues better than what you remember since last time you had it. I can cook amazing meals all by myself!”
“As long as it doesn’t involve a fryer.” Jaune added, walking over to kiss his wife’s cheek really quick.
Weiss’s face got a little flushed. “Grease is bothersome.” She mumbled. Blake could only chuckle at the remark while walking to the pot and dumping the vegetables inside. The smell of the stew intensified and reminded Weiss she is still very much the weakest in her friend group when cooking was involved. “How are you going to outdo me in my own home? Why’d you bring spices in the first place!?”
“Don’t question it!” Ruby shouted. Her body went on autopilot to grab the plates and cups for the dinner.
“Ruby, aren’t gonna make dinner at home?” The room said, thinking about Whitley.
Ruby then proceeded to grab one of Jaune’s tupperware containers. Apparently they were now feeding Whitley as well. Ruby knew they wouldn’t mind, so she felt no remorse when filling it. Her boldness knew no bonds.
“Ruby, how do you know they aren’t making enough food for the people in this house?”
“Because this household would crumble anytime Jaune did a mission and didn’t make enough food for weeks.”
“I can cook!!!!” Weiss yelled.
Jaune playfully rolled his eyes and patted Weiss’s back. “Ruby isn’t completely wrong. Anyways she can take as much as she wants. Nick and Veronica have a dinner date tonight so they won’t be joining us for dinner. Then I don’t if Summer-”
“Nick and Veronica have a date!?” Weiss and Ruby shouted.
“Oh yeah… that happened while you left.” Jaune tried to reach for the ladle for the stew but Weiss swatted his hand before turning his head back to her. Fortunately Blake swooped in to continue stirring. “Yeah so they’re going on a date tonight. I don’t know details.”
Weiss turned to Blake who shrugged. “I didn’t press Veronica too much about it. Yang should be upstairs with her trying on dresses.
“Behold! A beautiful sunflower in the snow!” Yang cried out from outside the kitchen unexpectedly.
“Or I guess she’s downstairs now.” Blake turned off the burner on the stove and moved the pot before following her friends out to the main hall. Outside was Yang standing proudly with her hands on her hips and staring up the stairs proudly. Jaune and Weiss’s eyes went wide while Winter seemed….impressed? As much as she could be. Her feelings towards Veronica in general were mixed. The girl was definitely beautiful though. That was just a fact.
Blake looked up to see her daughter all dressed up at the top of the steps. She wore a white, thin strapped dress that had a light blue sash around her waist. The skirt portion went down to about knee level and the flats she wore were also white. The bottom of the skirt brought more color in by being an intense light blue that faded to white half way up; lace snowflakes were intricately etched on to that portion to break the color up. Gloves that went just passed her elbows followed a similar scheme but started white at the hands before transitioning to blue. To top it all off, a pretty little light blue ribbon formed a bow on top of her head. It was that accessory that made Blake notice that not only wet her ears gone from sight, but so was her tail.
Veronica’s face was stricken with a decent shade of red. Her feet shuffling in place a little as she rubbed her left arm. “So….ummm thoughts?” She said anxiously. “This is just one of several ideas so no need to hold back.”
“Several? What, did you make these in a couple hours?” Winter asked.
“No. I’ve been working on a Fire and Ice collection recently. This dress in particular was already put together for the most part. Although the snowflakes at the bottom was a last minute decision I made half an hour ago.” Veronica swayed to make the skirt flow side to side. “Normally I’d say adding flames or snowflakes is a bit heavy handed since the colors of the outfit already speak fire and ice, but I don’t know. Felt appropriate. Especially since the white lace is on the blue. I even have them on the upper rim of the gloves. Made sleeve versions too.” Veronica inspected the stitching to make sure it was okay. “Hmm not my best work, but I kinda like it.”
“I kinda love it!” Yang proudly said. “Oh it takes me back to the Beacon dance a little. Back then another Schnee was outdone by a Xiao Long wearing white.”
“Ha, no! Your dress didn’t even look done!” Weiss shot back, refusing to take such slander. “This dress is ten times better than what you wore.”
Ruby nodded. “Yeah sis, your dress was pretty plain. Didn’t even have a bow.”
“I couldn’t find one!” Yang defended.
Judging by the banter, Veronica was getting positive vibes from the dress. She looked at Winter since the woman was there. Surprisingly, a thumbs up was given. “Well that was more positive than I expected from her.” Veronica thought. The only person who remained silent was Blake. Veronica turned to see her mother assessing what her daughter had on. The silence she gave made Veronica a little concerned. “What’s up mom? Not a fan of how thin the straps are? It’s not a low cut anywhere.”
“No, all that is fine. I just have to ask, why-” before Blake finished, the front door opened once again with Nick coming through it this time. Everyone froze in place by his sudden entrance. Including him!
“Uhhh why is everyone just standing in the front of the house?” Nick questioned. It was only when he looked up the left staircase did he get his answer. “Oh, that’s why. You look...wow.” He said, rather clumsily. “I didn’t think you’d get ready three hours ahead of schedule. I still gotta wash up from the grav- I mean my walk. Yeah, walk, around town. With no real location stopped at.” He had no idea why he kept saying things. The deadpanned look on Winter and Weiss’s face clearly showed they knew where he was.
Weiss gave a reassuring smile and poked his forehead. “No need to lie, especially so poorly. If talking to them brought you some form of clarity then by all means have at it.”
“Yeah it’s not my business either.” Winter added, ruffling his hair.
Veronica wasn’t exactly sure what they were discussing, but it looked like things were going well. Nick even looked like he was in a better mood then when he left. His eyes went back to Veronica and made her fidget a little. The gaze he gave her was focused, deliberate even.She didn’t know how to feel about it until Nick began to look a tad displeased. “I-Is something wrong?” Veronica asked hesitantly.
“Not wrong, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cover your ears. Tail yeah, since it can get in the way a bit, but why the bow?” He asked, pointing at it from afar. Everyone looked towards her for an answer, especially Blake. Nick had beaten her to the question.
Veronica looked down at her feet for a moment before looking at her family, crush, others. She never really knew what to call Weiss or her siblings. “Well normally I wouldn’t cover them, but while you were gone I kept thinking about this date…and how I wanted it to be a simple night out.” Heat began to rush to her cheeks. “So you know, people will stare and judge less if I’m like this. Not that their opinions matter, but I’d like to keep things peaceful as much as possible tonight. That’s all.” She looked at Blake who was looking right back at her. The answer didn’t seem to upset or surprise the mother. Veronica played with her a bit. “Is...that okay?”
“Hmm? You’re asking permission? It caught me off guard seeing it. Whether it be for aesthetic or personal reasons, I won’t dictate how you wanna design your clothes as long as it’s appropriate. After all, ribbons and I have a history. Couldn’t judge you if I wanted.”
That was a relief to hear. Veronica had completely forgotten her mother wasn’t a stranger to trying to blend in. “Well if that’s settled-”
“Hold on.” Nick softly said, his calm footsteps walking up the stairs to meet her. Everyone fell speechless as they watched him. Veronica for some reason felt as if the mood had changed. The room was quieter, air completely still. The face of the boy in front of her began to look more earnest than it has ever been as it got closer, stifling her breath. Nick extended his hand out slowly till his fingers clasped a corner of the bow, then unraveled it.
The ribbon flowed slowly into his palm and then was brought down towards Veronica’s. “If a calm night means you have to hide, then is it really a calm worth having? Like you said, those people don’t matter. Besides, I like your ears.”
Burst, Veronica felt like her heart could’ve burst. The blush on her cheeks deepened greatly and her eyes went wide from the shocking words. She had barely remembered to breathe. If she paid attention to the audience below then she would’ve been embarrassed by the grins that went ear to ear but no. Veronica only noticed Nick and his gentle smile that matched his words. Her mind finally caught up with itself and Veronica grasped the ribbon ever so slowly.
“O-Okay…” she said without thinking. Anybody else may have gotten more of a debate on it. Not him though. Not after words like those. “I’ll...make a few adjustments then.” She said, flattered and flustered as she walked back to her room without any more words.
“Take your time. You still have about three hours like I said, plus I gotta wash up.” He reminded her, not realizing just how sweet his words were. He turned back around to see smug faces and contained laughter. “What?”
“Nick…” Winter said, smiling with her hands on her hips. “And you wonder why girls flock to you obsessively. You’re too much.”
“I’ll say.” Blake said, admiring the boy. “But you know what? There’s something perfect about that. Nicholas, thank you.”
He wasn’t entirely sure what he did but he got embarrassed all the same, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. At least things finally felt relaxed in this house. “Umm you’re welcome?”
With teasing done and the mood lightened, everyone went back to doing their respective things. Jaune and Blake went back to prepping food. Weiss went with Ruby to set tables and properly catch up, while Yang decided to keep Winter company since both her son and Qrow were off adventuring. The chatter filled the hallways and even reached upstairs to not only Veronica, but Summer, who finally managed to fall asleep peacefully. Even Nick found a bit of proper rest in the bath. The soothing warm water filled with epsom salt was more than enough to make him doze off. Time steadily went forward and the adults began winding down. However, the kids were just getting ready for the night.
xxxxx
Dusk finally came. Winter leaned up against the main door waiting until she saw Nick coming walking down the stairs looking dashing. His crisp white suit, ice blue tie and handkerchief were perfectly in place along with his slick back hair.
“Hey Whitley jr.”
He groaned, “Please don’t. This is why I do nothing with my hair. One minute I look like dad, then the next I’m uncle.”
“Grow it out more then.” Winter suggested.
He shook his head. “That’s a slippery slope. Too long and I’ll be compared to you, mom, and sis. I guess my face is just too great.”
“Pfft, you just know you can’t compete with all this.” Winter sassed, turning her head to sway her hair. Nick would have objected if she wasn’t right.
“Whatever hehe. Anyways, everybody still here?”
“No, Ruby eventually headed home, but everyone else is strung about. I’m heading out myself but I figured I could drop you and Veronica off for your date.”
Nick gave her aunt a huge smile. “Awww, auntie!”
“Oh hush, don’t make it a big deal. It’s convenient, that’s all.”
“Well I appreciate it nonetheless. Veronica will too.”
Winter mumbled,“She better show it by not getting you or sister into trouble.”
“I heard that.” Veronica called from up the staircase. Winter and Nick looked in that direction to see her walking down. Nick wasn’t prepared.
Veronica had switched the gloves out for detachable sleeves that still exposed her shoulders. They also followed the same white to blue pattern. What really changed was she used the ribbon to make a high ponytail and now dawning jewelry. A pearl white necklace rested around her neck and complemented the pearl earrings she wore. Slowly she approached Nick with her hands holding each other in front of her. Veronica’s face was still a healthy shade of red. This close, Nick couldn’t help but smell of peach nectar. An interesting and oddly refreshing choice for perfume.
“Well...ummm...you weren’t kidding when you said you would out dress me.” Nick said, captivated. “I’d say you’re one billion, easily.”
Veronica chuckled nervously. “Hehe,th...thanks. I wouldn’t go that far, but I appreciate it.” Looking at him was harder than usual. Men’s dress shoes had a bit of heel, so Nick actually was a bit taller then her now since she chose flats. It could only be by an inch or two but it made a hell of a difference to her. “I had a little help near the end. These are actually your sister’s pearls.”
“Really? Oh, that’s right! I think the only reason she got them was so this other rude girl couldn’t. I don’t remember the specifics.”
“Wow. You two are….extremely petty at times.” Veronica said. Yeah pettiness was nothing new to her, but she’d never bought something to spite someone else. That’s the lifestyle in Atlas she supposed. “Anyways, if you’re ready to go then I am too. I’d really like to avoid-”
Click! The sound of a camera cut her off. The two teens looked back to see their parents all taking photos. Trying to stop them would be impossible. The only thing they could do is quietly wait for the clicking to stop, which was thankfully over in seconds.
“Gee I didn’t realize I lived with paparazzi.” Nick quipped. Another flash came from up above the second floor. Summer and her bed head leaned against the railing. “Summer!? You too!?”
“I came down to eat and saw we were embarrassing you. How could I not?” She took one more photo and then made her way down to the kitchen. “Have fun. I’m gonna eat and go right back to bed.”
Nick knew she was lying of course. That was the real reason she came down now, to announce she’d be sleeping in her room so nobody would disturb her. Summer, never missing an opening, also collected everything she needed from upstairs without anyone noticing. It was scary how far she’d plan ahead sometimes.
Winter finally decided to open the front door and head out. “Let’s move people. Rich or not, it’s rude to be late for reservations.”
“So strict. Almost think that you’re about to go drill instructor on me.” Veronica jokes, walking out the door.
“Don’t think I won’t make you drop and give me twenty just because you’re in a dress.” Winter shot back, closing the door as Nick walked out.
“The sad thing is she isn’t kidding…” Weiss nervously said. “That’s gonna be a long car ride.”
Summer came out of the kitchen with a bowl of stew and an evil look in her eye. “Why are there less left overs than usual? Who had seconds?”
“Ruby took some for Whitley. As well as had seconds…”
Summer squinted as if Ruby was there to actually receive the grumpy look before putts spoonful in her mouth and walking back upstairs.
“Ma’am, the table. Not your room.” Weiss said, using her mom voice.
Summer did a heel turn to the dining room. “Who made this stew!?” She said annoyed. Jaune and Blake both raised their hands. “It’s fantastic!” Was all she said as she continued walking.
Blake and Yang looked at each other confused before looking at their friends.
“Hangry.” Was all Jaune said.
“Ah…” the couple said together.
The moment Summer was out of sight from everyone she put the bowl down and searched around the living room quickly until she found her guitar case. Quickly, she grabbed it and opened a window towards the side of the estate and tossed it on a set of glyphs that hopefully propelled it right into her open room window. She then ran back to the dining room to sit down and eat comfortably.
“Phew! That was the last thing. And now I wait.” She took another bite of the stew happily. Nothing tastes better than an escape plan coming together.
32 notes · View notes
legends-of-shield · 5 years
Text
This is going to be a long post about why I think this season of Supergirl has been less than satisfactory. And no, it has nothing to do with supercorp not being canon.
First of all, the writers totally retconned Lena as a character. While she has always shown sign of being morally grey, she also always wanted to be better than her family. She's also too smart to think that the stupid non nocere and taking away people's will would be the answer to make people stop hurting each other. I'm all about the conflict between Kara and Lena, I just think it has been poorly handled. Sure, we had some great scenes so far, including the reveal at the Pulitzer ceremony and the confrontation in the fortress, but again, they could have those, they could have Lena swaying to a world of hurt and anger and betrayal without making her have that stupid plan and completely assassinating her character.
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Now forgetting this whole Lena and Kara conflict, we have Leviathan. A hero tv show is only as good as their villain and last season with Lex was proof of that. And this season, is honestly anyone interested in Leviathan? This plot is moving too slowly, no one cares about them and that doesn't make good television.
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We have beloved characters being sidelined or, in Kelly's case, being demoted to only serve the purpose of being the love interest (which is what happened with Floriana, probably why she quit the show and the writers keep repeating the same mistakes). Nia is a very talented journalist and powerful hero and I feel as if we hardly seen her this season. Kelly probably had a total of 5 minutes screentime so far. And what happened to the heart of the show, Kara and Alex' relationship? I miss their sisterly camaraderie. I do gotta give props for the Brainy direction however, Jesse Rath is an amazing actor and his arc of joining Lex seems like the only interesting arc so far.
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Another bad thing? Recycling storylines. Last season we had Lex pretending to be Earth's hero, people buying it and Kara doing whatever she can to expose him. This season we have, you guessed it, Lex pretending to be Earth's hero, people buying it and Kara wanting to expose him. Jon Cryer is amazing and he portrayed the best live version of Lex Luthor IMO, but this was not to best way to bring him back.
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Then we have the whole William thing. Sure, it turns out he's not the bad guy we all thought he was and he was only a jerk so that he could get close to Andrea, but he still treated Kara like sh*t. And Kara told him that she would not forget his actions even if they were pretend. By trying to force them together, The CW is perpetuating the trope that women like and are attracted to guys that mistreat them and that is not a good example to set to their young audience. It's one thing to make Kara understand his reasoning and joining forces, it's another completely different story to make her forget everything William's put her through. Also their romance just feels forced, if the writers wanted so much to bring another LI couldn't they have at least developed their relationship first?
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But what has bugged me about this season the most has been their treatment of Kara. She has lost so much, has been through hell more times than anyone could handle and the writers don't explore that. They hardly show that she has some deep issues. After watching Argo burn again the writers had the perfect opportunity to explore Kara's mental issues and anger but instead, it was treated like a mundane event. Sure, Argo was restored, the Earths were merged, but she still watched everything turn to dust, Kara remembers it, and as far as she knows, there is only one Earth left now, and just like that it's back to normal? You figured she'd need some therapy after everything that she has seen, Kara is an empathetic character and knowing how many lives are gone would take a huge toll on her. Legends of Tomorrow was the only show post crisis so far to have a character (Sara) show signs of PTSD, and yes, Legends - the show that is always making fun of itself was the one that handled the issue better.
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Edit: I don't think #BoycottSupergirl is the answer, or acting entitled. We are fans and we need to respect the creative decisions of the writers, producers and show runners. If you're not enjoying the show, stop watching it or you can let them know, as long as you do it politely. Entitlement, bullying and hatred never got anyone far.
You know people with no power of the direction the show takes? Actors. I get that David Harewood has taken some things personally and is feeling attacked by the fandom, but that is only happening because of the vocal few that decided to blame him and as a consequence tarnished the entire fandom in his eyes. Is he also acting like a petty teenager? Yes, but because of that the fandom should be better. Another person not deserving of any hatred is Staz Nair, he has always been about female empowerment, was always sweet with the fans he engaged with. He is NOT to blame for the romance between Kara and William.
So please, if you want to have your voices heard, appeal to the producers and writers on Twitter, send letters to them. Just don't demand anything. When you make your case, be polite, tell them that the show is no longer about feminism. Tell them that they are encouraging a pattern of romanticizing toxic relationships, tell them anything really. Just don't be rude.
And remember, this whole boycott thing, if it works, could maybe get the show cancelled and there are a lot of young girls who still watch the show, some who have Supergirl as a way to escape the real world. We need to think of them and try to make the show better for them.
68 notes · View notes
insporaelynn · 4 years
Text
📲 raelynn && roman
WHEN: january 24-26th 
DESCRIPTION: just best friends talking and being obsessed with each other. rae confides in him about her ex drama.
TRIGGER WARNINGS: drug mention, probably sex mention.
@romanbeckett​
Roman
Hi love of my life. I miss your face. How’s it going??
raelynn
my baby
god, i miss you too. i'm doing okay, how're you tonight?
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
it’s been an off day, not even gonna lie lol super sore and tired. I just wanna be back to normal already
raelynn
oh no
how's your scar healing up? the boys are taking care of you right??
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
it’s okay I guess bleh lol and not tonight. I’m all alone
raelynn
Where's Q? Is Aaron working?
Well I guess I should know that since I'm literally at work. Lmao.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
Q is working on music. Aaron has des tonight
raelynn
ugh. i wanna lay with you and kiss ur face.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
are you busyyy? I can burn us some cookies
raelynn
i'm working but I'd love to see you after if you're still up.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
of yeah you just said you’re at work lmao fucking weed
yes please come by when you’re done
raelynn
LMAO I KNOW THE FEELING
absolutely, i'm yours.
u know niamh was trying to figure out who rue's date was and she was like "is it you" bc i mentioned that I have a dick appt with him tomorrow night.
and i was like. dude, no, for like, a thousand reasons. like, why would that ever be me???
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚n.
oh god, I’m so out of the loop with gossip lately, it’s sad. I didn’t even know he had a date lol
raelynn
it's apparently some big secret but he's having people help him dress up and asking about flowers and candy and niamh is like "bitch is it you" and i'm like. LMAO.
like is there anything about me that says flowers and candy
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
Hahahahahhahahahahaha HAHAHA
that really made me laugh too hard.
raelynn
like, i'm not the flowers girl, i'm the sneak out in the night girl, the middle of the afternoon girl, all those things, but flowers girl???? sdkfdskksd
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
I’m 100p a flowers girl
raelynn
YOU ARE AND YOU'RE WORTH IT MY BABY
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
my parents are coming in to town this week. Gotta tell them I have two boyfriends haaaa. Pray for me
raelynn.
I feel like that should be the least shocking thing about you??? In a good way.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
yeah, I definitely keep them on their toes
raelynn
tell ur boyfriend that if he wants me to continue wearing body glitter he's going to have to pay me extra
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
omg but I love body glitter fyi
raelynn
I did an onlyfans video with Lilah earlier and I'm like 80% sure that I left glitter on her sheets. Like I'm a fucking unicorn.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
that makes me so happy I can’t even lie
I too wanna leave glitter everywhere
man I need to do only fans
raelynn
i would a thousand percent subscribe
both bc i'm a perv and also bc i'm a very supportive best friend.
we could get naked and do a body glitter photoshoot
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
and I love this about you
that sounds like a dream?? Wow
raelynn
would love nothing more than to apply body glitter to ur glorious tiddies.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
my tillies would appreciate it
Hahahaa it hurts to laughhhh
raelynn
SORRY SORRY I'M GOING TO BE VERY SERIOUS NOW
clears throat Um. The National Debt.
it is my understanding that there is. National Debt.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
hahahah I love you
raelynn
Blah blah, topics. Blah blah, smart people jargon, blah blah
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
god it’s so boring isn’t it
would so much rather talk about titties
raelynn
God same.
Like how yours are somehow bigger than mine.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
I know, I need some sort of support at this point I think
raelynn
we could get you fitted for bras somewhere maybe that'd be fun
it'd look actually so hot
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
well I already wear lingerie in the bedroom. Might as well.
raelynn
you will be the absolute death of me, you're simply too gorgeous and too sweet to exist.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
stahhpppp you’re making me blushhhh. Right back atcha my babe
raelynn
is there anything you want me to bring you when i'm done here?
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
just yourself. I’ve got good ass weed
raelynn
and for the millionth time, i realized, you are my soul mate.
𝐑𝐨���𝐚𝐧
you’re mine, lovie.
raelynn
i wish i could've had appendix surgery instead of you
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
noooo don’t be silly lol I’m okay darling.
raelynn.
no i hate that you were in pain even for like a second i hate it so much!!
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
stop it, I love you. You cutie. Oh god okay I’m gonna make us cookies.
raelynn
Dont burn the house down my beautiful twin flame
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
I always get cookie dough thinking I’ll do better next time. I still have that unearned confidence
raelynn.
Thats bc im always building you up and rightfully so
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
yes you do and I live for it. I also really love fresh cookies right out of the oven, I just want to make that happen
raelynn
I believe in you my little tropical starfish
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
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raelynn
literally you
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
hehehehe ⭐️
raelynn
i don't think anybody's ever gonna love me more than you
and i think. i think maybe that's okay?
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
that’s not true. You’re gonna find someone who is gonna blow you away
raelynn
yeah but even if i did, would I even be able to love them without being scared of them?
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
yeah, I think so. I’ve had to overcome a lot of walls and fears myself that I never thought I could. The right person makes it easier.
raelynn
idk there are a lot of people i could've loved if i hadn't been so....this lmao
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
I think it’ll just take some time!
raelynn
you have so much faith in me.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
of course I do. I think you can do anything.
raelynn
i'm not really sure.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
you don’t have to be cause I ammmmm
raelynn
and you're the smartest person in the world
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
in the whole world?? Damn. I’m not near as rich as I should be then.
raelynn
how about I stay over with you tonight and we get some breakfast in the morning? I did really good on tips tonight.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
okay!! I’d love that
raelynn
good 'cause i don't get to spend nearly as much time with you as i wanna
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
I knowwww. We haven’t had a sleepover in so long
raelynn
you can cuddle up to me and i'll feed you cookies and kiss your hair
revolutionary. better than therapy.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
Yes!!!!
raelynn
loml
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
I finished the cookies baby and I didn’t burn them to a crisp
raelynn
you fucking legend
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
I’m pretty damn proud of myself not gonna lieeeee
[...]
raelynn
extremely sad that i couldn't stay at breakfast with you all day
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
same
now I’m bored
raelynn
i swear after i left you my day went down the tubes.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
oh no I’m sorry
who do I need to fight
raelynn
well carson is back.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
oh god, tell me more
raelynn
idk why he's back but wes gave him my number bc i guess when i told him to lose it he took it to heart which like good i wanted him to
but anyway i screamed at him in the chat
everyone called me a hypocrite bc i told ivy to stop being a bitch in the chat awhile back. which tbh i didn't remember even doing, i just be saying shit.
like alex opened his fuckin mouth and i'm like what dog do you have in this fight
oh and DELILAH is moving in with carson bc he's "like her brother!!!" never mind the fact that he cheated on me bc i guess friendship doesn't mean much anymore
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
wow that’s...messy. Wtf lilah though seriously
raelynn.
So then Carson texts me bc wes gave him my number and that felt like being??? Pushed back in time against my will
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
that’s not cool
raelynn
So yeah a lot of crying today
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
*chick with knife emoji*
me rn
raelynn
Cute but lethal
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
*img attachment* 
and not at all high...
raelynn.
you're so hot jesus christ.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
I love you.
raelynn.
love u more than life itself
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
*img attachment of a keychain that says PUSSY WAGON* 
this was recommended to me on Instagram and now I want it.
raelynn
LET'S GET THEM MATCHING.
EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE A CAR
AND THEREFORE NO KEYS FOR SAID CAR
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
it would be perfect for my Volkswagen
raelynn.
omg and with me in it...it really WOULD be a pussy wagon......
big brain
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
hahahahah
raelynn
we should road trip soon
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
I would love that so much honestly
raelynn
where should we go?
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
Disney world!!
raelynn
will u propose to me there
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
wouldn’t that be romantic as heck
raelynn.
THE most romantic and also we'd maybe get free dessert
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
I never turn down anything free.
raelynn
me neither. not the taylor family way
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
hahaha I love you.
raelynn.
we'll start planning a summer trip, just us.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
yay yay yay yay!
raelynn.
i'm gonna wear a tiara the whole time.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.BOT01/25/2021
with Mickey ears?
raelynn.BOT01/25/2021
of course, i'm not a monster.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
hahahaa
[...]
raelynn
I hate dudes.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
they’re a mess aren’t they lol
raelynn
Had a temporary lapse in sanity and agreed to meet Carson for coffee lol and he canceled like 15 mins before we were supposed to meet for a probably fake meeting lmao its so typical but I fell for it
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
babe I’m so sorry
raelynn
Like im just so tired
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧
how can I make it better
raelynn.
I don't know honestly and I wish I did.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
I love you.
raelynn
I love you.
𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.
you’re my baby
raelynn
you're MY baby
1 note · View note
cosmosogler · 7 years
Text
hi guys. it’s already ten!!!
i went to bed later than i wanted to last night. then snoopy yowled all night. it woke me up 5-10 times. i lost count. i also didn’t know what time it was. i was just in limbo hell of “doze off, get immediately woken up by repeated and continuous meowing, still dark out.”
i was so tired when i got to class. i was so tired. i was only five minutes late. today i put on a light jacket and some gloves so the wind wouldn’t be miserable.
i met with my professors after class... the quantum mechanics professor gave me a Look. the classical mechanics professor told me this is becoming a problem because he can’t post the homework solutions for my classmates. it was... kinda stressful, i guess, honestly. i ended up caving and just asking suzanne for her solutions this evening when it became clear that i did not have time to sit and even start working yet again.
after my first two classes and the professor meetings my friends and i headed out for spaghetti day. it was great. we got there at a reasonable time and we had like 45 minutes to just relax in the grass and eat some spaghetti. 
every week harrison has been asking how many regretti i have at the end of each meal when i split off for group therapy. i have been slowly increasing the amount in my reply. 
oh yeah between classes luis was sitting at the desk next to me. i think one time he noticed when i was lost in thought because he held out his arm for a high five at the edge of my field of view. but anyway he said i was a northerner and i said arizona wasn’t really that far north of florida. he said i am sitting in the desk to the north of him so that makes me a northerner. i put my face in my hands.
group therapy went really well this week. the others seemed to think we didn’t talk about “anything heavy” but i think tax worries can get pretty heavy... i got to  share some of my achievements over the last week and talk about advice i’ve been trying to implement.
like when i was advised to start periodically writing down all my feelings in a notebook or a phone memo, i started stopping myself sometimes during the day and mentally scrolling through all the words for feelings that i could think of. i’d ask myself why i feel this way or that way, if that word fit how i was feeling... it’s not really making feelings come back? but it’s helping me kind of redefine the parameters i want to use for these feelings i guess. i said i haven’t been writing them down yet though, because i haven’t. i should do check ins a little more often even if i don’t put them here.
after group i went to get a hair cut!!! i just got a few inches off, to get my hair above my shoulders. on the way back to the department i noticed when people were looking at me way more than i usually notice. i was really worried something was wrong with my hair, or my face, or whatever i guess. when i finally did get back to the department i went in the bathroom to check the mirror and my brain said “oh!! it is my hair but shorter!” and that was a relief. when i was walking into the building my hair had formed a perfect ringlet directly into my eyeball so i put my bow back in. i had to wait for it to dry is all.
the other students were still all in class so i watched a youtube video. well, i watched two, since they were both around 20 minutes. after that keegan asked if i wanted to play smash and i said yes. harrison also joined us. 
we finally figured out a really good system. harrison and i are put on a team (with team attack on) against keegan and that way we win sometimes. actually as we kept playing harrison and i both got a lot better at working together and we started winning more often. we took out keegan when he was trying his hardest as, i think, marth, so he switched to captain falcon and kneed us both in the face until we flew off the edges.
i really want to switch to smash 4 but neither harrison nor keegan have a 3ds.
keegan showed me how to... jump cancel dash grab? i think that’s what it’s called. it made me actually able to grab other characters in the game hahaha. i don’t use grabs very much but with a much quicker option that helped a lot so i could hold him in the way of harrison’s attacks. or just throw him at harrison.
we played right up until the extra quantum lecture at 6. so, an hour and a half. which is not actually that long, game session wise. 
i told keegan later that i find it kind of astonishing that, like... it’s not surprising that i feel better after playing a video game with my friends. but the amount that i feel better is really something. i’ve been picking up new moves and hitting more “frame perfect” attacks every time we play and we barely even play once a week. it’s just... nice to be able to learn fast and retain a lot of information really quickly again, i guess. 
i realized a little too late that the pace of smash bros is comparable to that of fencing. i’d tell harrison to do something or to cover me and i’d feel like i gave him so much time and he just stood there, but thinking about it i probably gave him less than half a second to react before it was too late. i have to remember he’s a beginner, both to smash and to the gamecube controller. reflexes are something you build up over, you know, twenty-five years of playing video games i guess.
actually keegan was better at reacting to my communication than harrison was and i ended up missing a lot of big charged attacks because i’d try to warn the kid to get out of the way. team combos were a lot of fun though.
i do need to practice melee a little bit though... keegan said he was very interested in one-on-one fights because he would also get to do combos. i’ve gotten a lot better at them in the last few months but i still can’t take him on head to head haha.
that sure was a lot of time i just spent talking about smash!!!
i think i was the only one in our whole class who was actually taking notes in quantum at 6 pm. i was starving and exhausted though. i think everyone else (including the professor) was too. taylor may have fallen asleep.
after class taylor and i talked to harrison for a little bit and then we all went home. when i got home i popped some veggie corn dogs in the microwave and hid some cookies for snoopy. when i went to brush her i think i hit a tangle because she hissed at me again. she didn’t bite though! and i didn’t flinch away, i just moved my hand away and then put the brush down where she could see it. i’m glad that she trusts me enough to just hiss angrily instead of biting me and THEN hissing. she knows i’ll stop whatever i’m doing now. 
i cleaned her food bowl... and did some to-do list organization. i’m... worried. i feel like i took too many breaks today, even though it was only, like three. lunch, the videos after my haircut, and then playing melee for a while. everything else was class, doctor, or maintenance. 
tomorrow’s going to be just as bad. i’m teaching four hours from 9:30 to 1:45. i might get out a little less late since my slower student isn’t at my section this week... but then from 2 to 4 i’m at the drc. when am i gonna do homework...? suzanne sent me a guide but i don’t even have time to just sit down and follow that. and it’s not just blindly writing down everything because i gotta try to catch mistakes she made. and i also need to understand the material if i’m going to pass the class. it’s more like a hand rail while i go up the stairs.
i guess.
i just want to be caught up to my classmates again... i want to be part of the peer group instead of behind it. i’ve been struggling so hard with the homework that i haven’t been able to contribute and answer other people’s questions even in quantum. and i only have three weeks left to do that before finals. i’m scared. i still need to retake my quantum midterm but i haven’t had time to sit down to review my notes for that either.
sometimes i feel that if i had two more hours each day i could get everything that needed doing done. i’m starting to learn that a big part of grad school is accepting that not everything is going to get done on your preferred schedule. ESPECIALLY for me. so even with an extra two hours i probably just... wouldn’t be able to work for the whole extra two hours. i’m already exhausted by the end of the day. i can’t even do anything after like 8:30 unless it’s home-related and i can knock it out in 10 minutes. 
anyway a good thing today is that i got the self esteem boost of participating positively in group therapy today during the discussion, and also of realizing that i am remembering everything i learn during our bouts of smash even though they are kind of short and spaced very thinly.
it’s probably because i am actively doing the stuff i’m learning instead of trying to get it out of a book and lecture. it would probably help if i did physics practice problems. that’s always been a problem.
um... i guess writing it all down like this i did a lot today. it just wasn’t class work, which is what i need to be getting done. maybe tomorrow will be better. i’ll just have to try again. maybe i can bully harrison into grabbing an extra meal with me or something since hunger is a big issue when i’m thinking really hard.
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Don’t bother reading. Just me using typing as therapy.
Okay, so I started the Anxiety Medication and its only been a few weeks. I leave this Sunday. 4 days.
I’m excited and very nervous. But I’m stressed out.
Me, my mum and my siblings are away camping currently. We actually leave tomorrow morning to head home and I’ve gotta start packing for the UK.
And yesterday I had organised with a friend that she would come camping for a night. She was actually going to come on Tuesday but her BRAND NEW boyfriend asked her to go to Sydney and she said yes. She didn’t get back until later and was too tired to make the 2-3 hour trip here. My mum even offered to pick her up from the station earlier in the day.
Anyway, she said that she would come on Wednesday (today while I’m typing this) and it was all set. Then another friend said that she needed a place to stay.
So I offered for both of them to come camping. (I have my own tent and a large mattress we can all squish on) and they said yes. Sounded super extatic and confident that they would come. I was so excited!
That was all organised Tuesday night. When I woke up today (Wednesday) I messaged them because by now they would both be on their trains and I got a reply from only one friend who said that they had decided not to come. I was so bummed and annoyed that they hadn’t messaged me and had cancelled! The friend who needed a place to stay always cancels last minute so I wasn’t surprised about that but my other friend who is my best friend and I’m closest with, isn’t going to see me for over 4 months and then I’m jumping into a Diploma decided that sleeping in and her brand new boyfriend were more important.
I was disappointed. But I was gonna get over it.
Then I went to go and have a shower and for some reason walking from the tent to the bathrooms was seeming really hard. My Anxiety just peaked all of a sudden and the whole walk I was talking myself down from a panic attack.
Once I was in the shower and already getting wet I realised I forgot a towel and shampoo and Conditioner. Started freaking out again and texted my mum. She said that I was being dramatic and to just get dressed and go back.
I couldn’t do it so I just showered and put clothes on while wet and just as I was about to leave my mum texted me saying that she was bringing stuff. I didn’t reply because if I told her I was done she wouldn’t come and I really needed a hug and someone to walk back with me.
That kinda set off the rest of the day. I think mum felt bad so we went to get free waffles and she got one extra for me. We went and sat by the pool while my siblings swam and I ended up jumping in. Later we went back to the tent to just chill out. About lunch time we went to get ice creams and my mum asked if I had read an article that she sent me about how Anxiety is usually an imbalance of your levels (iron levels kind of thing, I forget what it’s called) and that that’s probably it. But I said that that isn’t it. It’s past trauma. It’s a Mental thing. I’m not denying that how your body is can affect your mental health but I know the feeling.
Anyway, she came up with counterpoints and I just felt sad that she wasn’t believing me. So I probably looked sad and she suddenly said “why do you always have that face on when I talk to you about these things?”.
Because you don’t listen!!!!!!
I started to feel like I was gonna cry so I said that I would go and sit in my tent and she got annoyed and called me dramatic.
I sat in my tent and got a text from my mum asking if I was okay.
I just replied saying that I felt like she wasn’t listening and that I need her support, not her to dismiss when I try and tell her how I feel or what I know about my body.
She just went on some speel about me being a teen and not understanding yet.
Later that evening I asked my brother (who is a real pain since he started puberty and kind of an ass) if he would walk with me and start conversations with other teens so that I could hang out with someone. And then he could leave.
He winged but my mum said that he had to go with me. We walked off and he just talked to his friend.
A group of teens were walking past and I said to come with me and him to start taking. He said no and that I could do it but I said no, you start the conversation and then I’ll talk.
We started walking towards them and he said, I’ll say hi, you talk and then I’ll leave. I said “could you stay for a bit?”
He got all huffy and stormed over to my mum who was walking back from the bathroom and started winging at her.
His friend followed and stood right next to him while my mum got annoyed.
Basically my brother got annoyed and I didn’t feel like hanging out anymore so I said that I just wanted to go back to my tent and mum got super annoyed and told him that he had to stay at the tent until tomorrow. He got angry.
As we walked back I said sorry to my mum.
We got back to the tent and she started questioning me about what I did and why didn’t I talk first.
I got upset and started walking towards my tent and mum yelled out that I was being dramatic. My brother got to go back out and play with his friend. I went to cry in my tent and when I calmed down I texted mum with why that upset me.
When we were little, my brother could never talk to anyone and I would go and talk to people for him. I made him all his friends. His friends he’s close with now I always introduced them because he was always to scared to.
This is the one time I asked him to do something like this for me. It was easy. And he was just an ass like he always is.
My mum said that if I can’t help myself then I can’t expect someone else to. And that my brother is only 14, I expect too much from him. I only expect him to not bully our other siblings, not be disrespectful to every one of my friends, to not be rude to our autistic cousin and to stop yelling at the tv!!
I also said that she is no support and instead is a skeptic of my anxiety and mental health. She never listens.
I also said that it’s really hard to try and help yourself when you own brain and body is working against you. She replied with “don’t blame other people”. I think that she meant “don’t get angry at other people when they don’t help you when you can’t even help yourself”.
Now I’m here typing this. I’ve finished crying and feel way better after writing all of that down. Sorry if there are mistakes.
I feel like such a whinger but the only therapist I kind of like is so busy I only see her a few times a year and I feel like I have no one to talk to that I don’t have to see in my daily life that I can spill my guts to.
Sorry.
I guess this is my therapy page now. Great.
No ones gonna ready this
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Welcome to the Rest of your Life
12/13/17
“Hey, how are you today?”
This has got to be the most untruthfully answered questions of all time.  But, nonetheless, you follow the script and tell them, “I’m good, how are you?”  Or in the event you’re having a really bad day and can’t bring yourself to fake it that far, you go with the “Eh, I’m okay” route.  People know what that means, but they just roll with the awkward social script and tell you “well hope your day gets better” and move on.  It’s a weird social tradition here in the great US of A. As a bartender, this question is the bane of my existence.  
I can’t have a bad day.  It’s my job to cheer up other people’s bad days, to listen to their problems, to offer them some consul.
And I’m fucking great at it.  
I can hide my emotions extremely well, so well sometimes I wonder if I’m borderline sociopathic.  But hey, it’s my job; and I’m really, really good at it.
But people asking me today, how am I.  I’m still telling them I’m alright.  But I’m really, really not.
I’m just gonna dive in here.  I found out yesterday that my mom and stepdad are both HIV positive. And it’s really fucking hard to deal with.
I’m starting this blog for a few reasons.  First, writing to me is like therapy.  I kept an avid Livejournal (which, God, is still out there somewhere) throughout my teen years when I was going through some hard times after my dad passed (a story for another time).  Just getting it out in the air really helps me relax and calm my thoughts, which are currently a fucking whirlwind.  I’m kinda all over the place, so keep that in mind if you’re reading this.  Which leads me to my next point, I’m putting this online but not linking it to anything or anybody in my immediate life.  Writing online, as if to an audience, gives me some solace that somebody out there found this and knows my story; even if they didn’t.  Because I can’t tell anybody in my life what’s going on.  
Second, I want to document the daily happenings and mark any kind of progress along the way.  If I keep a regular journal, it will be easier to go back and reflect on how things are coming along.  One thing I reflected on quite a bit from my Livejournal days were all of the little things you forget along the way.  Small anecdotes, good days, bad days, etc.  I’m really not sure what to expect in the coming months, years... and I’m really fucking scared.  Hopefully this will be a story of hope as it goes on.  Only time will tell.  But I can tell you that yesterday was the worst day of my life.... at least at this moment.
I woke up feeling extremely rested from a SUPER lazy Monday.  Work was busy all weekend, I went and saw a PHENOMENAL concert on Sunday Evening (Spoon and Real Estate, with my love Jackie), and I spent all day Monday without ever leaving the house.  PJs and Stardew Valley all day -- it was great.  But I felt bad that I didn’t go up to see my stepdad Eddie, who has been in the hospital since last Thursday.  He’s had zero energy for the last 2 months or so, and lately he’s been falling quite a bit.  So my mom decided it was best to get him checked in to the hospital to see what is wrong with him.  They’ve been running test after test -- I think he’s gone through 3 or 4 MRI’s at this point -- but they still couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him.  When I was talking to my mom on the phone on Monday, during my super lax lazy day, she mentioned that he had been sleeping all day.  “Just enjoy your day off Jasen” she told me.  “Come visit tomorrow.”
Oh boy.  If I had any idea what tomorrow would bring.
I woke up and went to the gym -- just an average day.  Trying to get in better shape, I drink far too much and eat like garbage.  But I’m working on it.  Got a good one in.  Came home, laid out my work clothes for my usual Tuesday night shift, and headed up to the hospital around 1.  When I got there, I noticed that Eddie looked remarkably frail; like he had gotten worse since Friday when I visited last.  I guess they were fasting him for a bone marrow sample, which had ran late.  I hung out for about an hour, when suddenly the nurse brought in a tray of food.  She said they cancelled the test, but we needed to speak with a doctor.  When he arrived, he asked me and my mom to leave the room.
Not good, not good....
After about 5 minutes he let us both back in and dropped the bomb -- Eddie is HIV positive.  My mom turned to me super concerned, and ran to the bathroom as if to puke.  Eddie seemed strangely complacent, as if he already accepted his fate.  But the doctor reassured us, and as I’ve heard before, that contracting HIV isn’t like it used to be.  It’s more of a manageable disease now, similar to diabetes.  Still, my mom was very obviously concerned for her own health.  I could see it in her eyes that her brain was in overload. “I gotta have a smoke.” So I went outside with her.
The entire time I tried comforting her that she likely did not have it.  Showing her odds of transmission rates, noting that she has never exhibited any symptoms, etc.  Holding her. Being there for her.  Nobody preps you for times like these.  She mentioned that you can buy an over the counter HIV test from CVS, so I volunteered to go get one.  
We met at the house, both nervous as fuck.  I told her before we did anything: God forbid this test comes back positive.  But if it does... we live in the best time to have such a disease.  It’s not like it used to be.  You can get on the meds and live a totally normal life.  But all that being said, we busted it out.
We swabbed her mouth and had to wait 20 minutes.  The longest 20 minutes of my goddamned life.  The whole time I’m telling her, “you don’t have it, there’s no way you can have it...” Steve Harvey cracking jokes on the TV didn’t make us laugh, it made us uneasy.
The time was 5:38 to check. I had the test in front of me.  I pulled back the cover to reveal 2 solid lines, a positive result.  My eyes darted at the comparison chart as fast as I could. Positive result. Positive result. Positive result.
I can tell you, and believe me: the moment you have to tell your mom she is infected with HIV is FUCKING AWFUL.
My brother Michael had shown up by this point.  We all cried for probably about 15 minutes, but it felt like hours.  We stayed with her for another hour or so after but she wanted to be alone. Understandable.  It’s a lot for all of us to take it.
I slept worth a shit last night, I can’t imagine how bad she slept. My heart is pouring with emotion for her right now.  She has to feel so scared, confused, alone. I keep trying to reassure her that it will be okay, but who the fuck am I? I’m no expert.  I know she is absolutely devastated, and it kills me. 
All I can do is be there for her.  That’s all we can do as a family.  The social stigma of HIV is crippling, and I don’t want the world to know.  But at least this journal gives me an outlet to say how I’m feeling, because I’m not entirely sure who I can confide in.  I’m sure I’ll tell some people close to me, I just don’t know how... or if I’m ready.
I’m taking her tomorrow to a local clinic to get the ball rolling on more tests.  Once we know more, we can start the road to recovery. 
I’ve never thought I’d come in contact with this disease. This is a situation unlike anything I’ve had to deal with. I’m doing my best. So many emotions.... it’s just a whirlwind in my head.
Welcome to the rest of you life, Jasen. 
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Hello friends! This is one of my first short stories, it’s a topic I’m very passionate about. Please enjoy!
BROKEN
 “I hate therapy,” I thought to myself, not for the first time that day, as I loaded myself into the car. The thought continued to swirl around in my head as I continued the short drive to Doctor Zimmer’s office. She insisted I call her Diane, even though I persistently made it clear I didn’t want anything to do with having a closer working relationship with her. Her infectious optimism was always somewhat off-putting, which is probably why my family wanted me to see her.
           I folded the arms of my hoodie around my chest as I fought to keep the chill at bay as I slid out of my car. I braced myself mentally for the next grueling hour of tedious questions.
           ‘Just one last session, just one last session.’
The thought repeated in my mind over and over again, like a toddler practicing a newfound rhyme. Today was the last day I would have to see Doctor Zimmer, excuse me, Diane, and I honestly couldn’t be more relieved.
           I didn’t have to sit in the waiting room for terribly long, thank God. The secretary brought me back and I flopped down into the squishy orange armchair I’d become so well acquainted with in the past ten weeks. Doctor Zimmer greeted me in her usual way.
           “How are you this morning, Levi?” All shiny white teeth and just a little too much mascara. I mumbled something resembling a response as I kept my eyes on my dirty tennis shoes. We then proceeded to slog through about forty-five minutes of the same garbage as the past three months. The continuous picking apart and unpacking of my neuroses, my trust issues, my emotional distancing, blah, blah, blah. Towards the end, she folded one leg over the other and fixed a look on me from over her clipboard.
           “Levi, what is it that you think is wrong with you?” She took off her glasses and looked at me more intently. Is she trying to be maternal? Comforting? I had no idea, but God did I wish she would look somewhere else, she was making me uncomfortable.
           “Honestly ‘Diane’ for a hundred and fifty bucks an hour, I’d kinda like to know what the hell you think.”
           She pursed her lips into a thin red line and was silent for several seconds. “Well Levi, I think you’re dysfunctional.”
           “Meaning what, exactly?”
           “Meaning, frankly, that you’re just a little bit broken. That’s ok though, everybody is, to some degree or another.” She said the last sentence with her token optimism and tried to reach for my hand, which I deftly withdrew into the pockets of my jacket. She awkwardly withdrew her hand back to her own lap and tried for another confident smile, which died on red lips almost as soon as it started. She settled for a look resembling that of pity, and looked at the clock above the door. “Well Levi, it seems we’re out of time for today, I’m sorry. Now, I know this is your last session and all, but if you ever need anything don’t hesitate to call and set up another appointment. Have a Merry Christmas!”
           I gave her a polite smile as I rose from the chair and walked decisively back out into the cold to my car.
BROKEN
What the hell was that supposed to mean, ‘everyone is a little bit broken’? What a load of shit. I unlocked the front door of my apartment to hear the sound of my roommate watching a movie in the living room. I shook the snow off my shoes and stepped in to see him and his girlfriend cuddled on the couch, just as absolutely adorable as could be. Lovely.
DYSFUNCTIONAL
“Hey man, how was your doctor’s appointment?” I heard from the couch as I set my car keys down on the kitchen table.
“It was fine. Hopefully I won’t have to go back. Finger’s crossed, right? If you need me I’ll be in my room doing some stuff for work.”
“Aw come on, why don’t you take a break? Come and finish the movie with us,” my roommate’s girlfriend said in a chipper voice as she made some space on the couch for me. I shot her a small smile but didn’t respond as I ducked into my room. I clicked on my computer and sat down to write. I’ve been attempting to become a writer, in the pursuit of a long awaited dream. I was well aware that my writing skills were absolute garbage, and I was strangely comfortable with that. I’d had a couple short stories published in some local magazines, but nothing very popular. My brother had gotten all the writing talent in the family, having written and published several novels already.
I should have listened to my mother and become an English teacher instead.
LONELY
I blinked my eyes several times as the word faded from my mind, and shook my head softly to clear out the cobwebs. I had been writing for several hours when I decided that I should probably take a break and get something to eat. It had been a long day and I figured that I had earned a bit of a treat, so I grabbed my wallet and coat from off of my bed. I opened my bedroom door and stepped into the living room, very pointedly making quite a lot of noise. If I didn’t interrupt them every so often with my presence I’d have to have the couch steam cleaned again, and that tended to get expensive.
I grabbed my keys off of the table and closed the door behind me as I left. I started off at a steady pace, shoulders bunched beneath the cold. I had my hands in the pockets of my hoodie, curled into fists around my cell phone and keys. I felt the short, pulsating buzz of my phone vibrating, and pulled it out to answer. I looked at the photo ID before answering and wilted ever so slightly as my brother’s name lit up the screen.
“Hello?”
“Hey! Levi, how are you? How was your appointment?”
“Hiya Daniel, it went well thanks. I’m doing fine I guess, yourself? I saw online that you just got another book out, that’s got to be exciting”
He gave a short laugh, “Yeah I suppose so. I don’t suppose you’ve gotten the opportunity to read it yet, have you?”
He knew damn well that I hadn’t, same with the last four books. For the sake of our relationship though it was easier to tell him what he wanted to hear. “I actually picked up a copy yesterday, I was just going out to grab some dinner and get started on it.”
“Hey, that’s awesome. You gotta let me know what you think, alright. Hey, have you heard from Kaitlyn lately?”
Ex-girlfriend. “No, not in months, why?”
“Funny enough I bumped into her not that long ago.” There was a soft giggle from the background, I rolled my eyes and tried to conceal my disgust.
“That’s great. Hey, I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you later, alright?”
“Sure thing brother. Call Mom, she worries. Merry Christmas, Levi.”
“We’re Jewish, Dan. We don’t celebrate-“
More giggling. “That’s great man, talk to you later!”
BROKEN
The line clicked off and I put my phone away as I pushed open the door to my destination: a small diner down the street from my apartment. It was clean, friendly, and most importantly, cheap. I picked one of the red vinyl booths along the wall and placed my order. While I waited for it to come out, I continued to think about my doctor’s appointment that day, as well as everything else that had been going on lately.
BROKEN
I am thirteen years old. I am home by myself. I am watching the snow come down outside, hoping school is cancelled tomorrow. I see a familiar car pull up outside. One of my older brother’s friends. She is much cooler than me, because she is in high school. Her name is Brandy, and she is easily the nicest of all of my brother’s friends. Most of them ignore me because I’m still pretty young, but Brandy is always nice to me. I think she is very pretty. She comes out of her car and walks up to the house and rings the doorbell, but I’m already at the door. Daniel and my parents are out of the house right now, and I am by myself. I am not allowed to have people in the house when I’m alone, but Brandy is different. I open the door.
“Hey, buddy, wake up. You’re freaking out the other diners.” I snap out of my reverie to look at the source of the voice. It’s my waiter, who appears to have brought my food. I mumble my apology and set about eating quickly so I can go home. Suddenly I’m very nervous, and I have no reasonable justification for it. I haven’t thought about her in, God how long ago was that? I thought I’d forgotten everything about her. She used to be pretty cool until her and my brother lost touch after graduation. I wonder what she’s up to now?
Hot breath on my neck. My voice is catching in my throat. I am crying, even though Dan said that men aren’t supposed to cry.
I blink again, and give my food one last look before I get up to pay. I hurriedly leave the diner and start the walk home. I should have driven instead, even though it’s such a short distance, the snow is beginning to fall even harder. I jam my hands in my pockets and pull my hood up to cover my ears. I need to get home quickly, but I don’t know why, I just fell so strange tonight. Stupid damn therapist, I never should’ve gone in the first place.
BROKEN
I can fix you Levi. Sad little Levi.
I shake my head again as I almost bump into a middle-aged woman walking briskly with her young son. She takes one look at me before pulling her son closer and hurrying away. How odd, I’ve never had that happen to me before. People are probably on edge because of the storm. I know that I am. Tonight has been weirdly reminiscent for me, I don’t normally get like this. I just need to get home and warm up before I freeze out here.
I make the rest of the journey back to my apartment quickly and quietly, avoiding other people on the sidewalk as much as possible. For some reason I scared that woman, and I don’t want to do that to anybody else tonight. I unlock the door to my apartment and all of the lights are off as I step into the living room and drop my keys onto the table. I click on a light and sit down at the table to look at the small stack of mail on the table as I warm up slowly but surely. I hear a small muffled noise come from my roommate’s room and I stop to try and identify it. Again, I hear a faint, feminine sigh, followed by the creaking of a slightly too old mattress.
DYSFUNCTIONAL
I whimper softly. I am very scared, and I don’t know what to do, and I just wish that my family would come home. “Shhh, be quiet. You don’t want someone to hear us, do you?” I try to quiet myself. Her hands are everywhere, as her mouth presses to mine. I am still crying and I cannot stop. I want to stop. I want everything to stop. I can’t stop though, I can’t stop the crying. I can’t stop anything. I am too weak.
I’ve been out too long and my hands are stiff, so I decide to warm them up by trying to write some more. I walk into my room and sit down at my laptop.
“You’re not exactly you’re brother but I guess you’ll do. Hold still.”
I open up my latest story and give it a quick scan before placing my cursor at the beginning and hammering the delete button over and over again until the page is blank. Then I open up another one of my stories and give it the same treatment. Then again, and again. Over and over until my finger is numb. The calm, rational part of my brain speaks to me, telling me that I’ll be alright. For the first time in my life however, I am able to easily silence that little voice. The only bit of rationality I am able to summon at the moment is the inability to cry. Thank God, I won’t do that again.
I stand up from my desk and grab my keys off the table. I need to get out for a bit, get some fresh air. The cold air stings my arms as I realize that I’ve forgotten my jacket. It doesn’t matter, I won’t be out for very long anyway. Just long enough to clear my head, to sort out what the hell is going on. Where are these thought’s coming from? Are these memories even mine? I haven’t thought about Brandy in so long. I haven’t remembered in even longer.
I don’t know what happened next.
I woke up in a hospital, with soft leather cuffs holding my hands to the edge of a white bedframe that reeked of sterility. My whole body was numb, and I assumed that it was from the cold. I tried to lift my left arm, only to feel the dense weight of so many white cotton gauze bandages pulling against the cuff on the bed. ‘Oh’, I think to myself, ‘I see’. I’ve been here before, but not in a very long time. Not since I was a teenager at least. The memories of the night before hammer into my chest with the force of a runaway train. A nurse bustles into the room once they see that I’m awake.
The next several days passed in a relative haze, although I never did seem to get much of a moment’s peace. Several doctors at a time would come in to speak with me about what had happened. Once everyone got all of the information they wanted, I was allowed visitors. At first it was only my parents, but slowly others came to visit as well. My roommate, my brother, some of the other friends I had grown close to in my life.
After I recovered physically, the doctor’s wanted me moved to a separate facility to sort out what happened. It took some time, but eventually I got everything out that needed to get out. Things that I had forgotten, things that I had put away even from myself. One of the psychiatrist’s asked me if I wanted to tell my parents, or if I wanted someone else to do it. I figured that it should come from me, in order to help with the healing process. Either my healing process or theirs, I’m not sure. My parents were angry, and confused, and hurt that I hadn’t said anything. I think Daniel blames himself. A small part of me thinks that maybe he should.
I have since been released from the hospital. I suppose I should say hospitals, plural. While there I was able to get help, which is probably what I needed. I am still broken. Very, very broken. I’m repairing myself though, slowly. so slowly it hurts sometimes, but I can look myself in the eyes now without fear, and that’s progress. Damn it if still don’t hate therapy though.
If you’ve made it this far through my story, then thank you! I appreciate the time and attention. If you enjoyed it, please let me know! If you have any constructive criticism, please do the same, I’m constantly trying to improve. I hope this can help some of you out there, have a good night.
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